Not much better...

Not really feeling any better. In fact probably worse.

I am pretty over weight due to some medication I started taking 3 years ago and because my diet and exercise suck. It has been piling on since the end of 2019 and the covid hit and lockdowns came and I just ballooned. I have not managed to shift any since then despite trying and failing multiple times.

I actually can't but clothes because nothing feels right. I simply walk around in jeggings and massive t shirts and mens hoodies because it makes me feel smaller. I hate looking in the mirror and I rarely do unless I have to put make up on for something. It's gotten so bad and I just don't know what to do.

I simply want to crawl under a rock right now and pretend I don't exist. I should not be this miserable at 31. I should be enjoying my life and actually getting somewhere.

I'm so exhausted by life at the moment. I feel like I can't get a foothold on changing anything in my life and that is all I want to do. I want to be eating better, exercising more, getting a job, taking better care of myself but each and every one of them feel like it's too much.

Just getting through the day already is hard enough. By the time I have the housework done, stuff related to the kids done, stuff for my partner done I am absolutely exhausted. I don't know why I struggle so much. I mean yes I may have ADHD. I won't find out until April. Perhaps that will change things for me if I do have it. Maybe I'll find different ways to approach things and cope. Perhaps I'll just be able to be more compassionate to myself and not have to feel like such a complete and utter failure the entire time. I don't know.

All I do know is I am struggling and that's all I seem to say at the moment.

Lost...

I am not really sure what my purpose in life is. I mean I am a full time mum to my three wonderful children. They are my whole world. My 6 year old is about to start primary two and my partner keeps saying I should get a job and I know I should but my social anxiety causes issues there and on top of that I don’t know what I actually want to do in the career aspect of my life. 

I have put everything on hold to raise my kids and support my partner through university and god knows how many family traumas in between. I just don’t know where I go now. He is now in a full time, amazing job and is doing really well with it. My eldest is about to start high school, my middle going in primary 6 and like i said my youngest going into primary 2. What about me? What do I do?

I don’t feel like I have any strengths at all to be honest. I don’t feel like I am particularly good at anything. Like seriously. I don’t know if that’s my mental health issues talking or if I am genuinely just crap at everything. I left school early so have 0 qualifications and I don’t have any work experience as I had my youngest when I was 18. He’s 12 now. 12 years of being a full time mum. No references, no qualifications, no experience, no drivers license. How would I even go about getting any job??? :/

I am at a loss...

My baby hates bullies too ♡ #Portagewearspink #pinkshirtday #wheretoturn (at Lac La Biche, Alberta) https://www.instagram.com/p/CLsKOUBFmNl/?igshid=1m20ohhsvs7s6

My boyfriend leaves tomorrow morning for boot camp in California and I still don’t know what to do with myself. I knew when we started dating this was coming and I have no clue how i’ll be tomorrow. Trying to think positive and remember he will be back home March 8th.

Let the boyfriend homecoming countdown begin!

Who hates bullies 🤚🖐✋ #Portagewearspink #pinkshirtday #wheretoturn (at Lac La Biche, Alberta) https://www.instagram.com/p/CLsGCO_FRe4/?igshid=15lz9h7a31w7n

Life as of lately

Last week I got some news that wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but with the situation I knew it was a possibility. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for two years almost three in September. 

My meds have managed to keep my mood stable and I’ve been pretty good at calming myself down over the past few months. Now my mood has been a roller coaster of emotions since last week. My mind set has been filled with the questions “What do I do?” and “What the fuck am I doing with my life?”

Some days I’m on tumblr for a long ass time and then I go a week or two without ever getting on here. Sometime life get crazy busy, but all is well with me.

Life as of lately

Since I've been working a lot lately, getting sick this past week (which was extremely horrible), and dealing with life's day to day activities I've realized it looks like I have abandoned tumblr. No worries I'm still here.

Reflecting on 2015

For these past 3 or 4 years I've always done these post. I typically do these for reference, so when December 31st gets here I can go back and look at last year's. As I look back at older post the biggest thing I've realized is how much mentally I am doing better. Its been a long journey and still is a journey of bettering myself everyday. Just three years ago in December I was hospitalized for a nervous break down and all of my struggles and secrets of self harm and depression became known to my family. It was by far the lowest point in my life. As of now I try not to think about or read my journal entries from then, but it still crazy of how far I have gotten. For the most part of 2015 was spent being a selfish year for me. I've always been the type of person to worry way more about others and typically put those whom I love (family) before me. I gotta say it feels good to think about my problems and personal situations first. As for 2016 I will focus on my physical health and continue to work on my mental health everyday(because it is a journey). I also will work on achieving my personal goals whether it be with school, work, or relationships. I wish you all a VERY BIG NEW YEAR'S. Let's kick 2016 ass!

Life Update:

Since moving I've hardly spent that much time on tumblr. I will say that I am fine and nothing major has happened. Getting settled in has taken a lot of time along with getting adjusted to a new town. One big change I have noticed since moving is how much mentally I am doing better. Everyday since the move has its challenges, but I am positively moving in the direction I want.

I’m 22 today!!!

Shout out to my mom for having me on the coolest holiday.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!