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silversatoru · 3 years

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one more day

gojo satoru x f!reader

synopsis: Gojo's been sizing you up from across the club for awhile now, so when you walk out onto the empty balcony and give him the perfect opportunity to shoot his shot, he's more than happy to do so. After charming you with his oh so eloquent words, he may or may not fuck the shit out of you in the back of his car.

tags/warnings: smut, with a little bit of plot, if you squint you might be able to see the plot, very nsfw (18+), bar/club au

word count: 2.5k

a/n: i based the plot/idea of this fic on the song HER by chase atlantic. if you know it, i love you, lets be friends. if you don't, i highly recommend it, its a bop and a half

Gojo gracefully lifted his whiskey sour up to his lips, taking a small sip and closing his eyes. The music was getting loud and he hadn’t met a single interesting person here tonight. He exhaled deeply — this would be his last drink and then he’d probably call it early tonight and head home.

He sat the nearly empty glass back down on the bar counter top and slid some cash to the bartender before turning around and scanning the club one last time. His lazy eyes shot open when he saw you standing with your friends across the room, his interest suddenly piqued. He hadn’t noticed you before, but now that he did, he couldn’t leave without talking to you.

You seemed lost in your own thoughts, aimlessly dancing with your friends with a fake smile plastered across your face. Your façade was terribly see-through, though none of your friends seemed to notice, or maybe they just didn’t care.

Eventually, you separated from your group, heading up the stairs and towards the balcony of the club. Gojo watched as you walked, a slight wobble to your gait and an expensive looking handbag dangling from your wrist.

He gave you a two-minute head start, and then made his way up the stairs and out onto the balcony as well. You two were the only one’s insane enough to go out there, the winter air incredibly frigid at this time of night. He strode over and took a seat opposite you, a relaxed expression on his face.

You lifted your cigarette from your lips, blowing out a puff of smoke and giving him a small smile, “Hey, pretty-boy, I had a feeling you’d be joining me out here”.

“I had a feeling you only came out here so I’d follow you,” His words were care-free but perfectly composed.

“Maybe,” You laugh, taking another drag from your cigarette and propping your feet up on the table.

Gojo sat back, fully taking you in now. You were wearing a silky red dress, the extravagant fabric clinging perfectly to every curve of your body. Your hands flashed with several gold rings and long, shiny black nails -- cigarettes didn’t belong in fingers that beautiful.

“Your little show you’re putting on for everyone is pitiful you know. Some improv classes might help” Gojo prodded at you.

“That’s a new one. Is this how you flirt with all girls?” You couldn’t help but laugh — a light elegant laugh that was music to the silver-haired man’s ears.

“Of course not, but I’ve also never met someone who was such a bad actor before,” He crossed one of his long legs over the other, his own lips cracking a small smile.

“I’ve never met someone who was so weirdly good at reading people. How long were you watching me?” You jab back at him, putting out your cigarette and tossing it into a nearby trash bin.

“Not too long,” He shrugged, “So, what’s your deal? Mommy issues? You seem like someone who has mommy issues”.

You laughed again, this strange man continuing to catch you incredibly off guard, “So close. My mom wasn’t great but I think it’s more of a daddy issues thing”.

“Ouch,” He clicked his tongue, “Mommy and daddy issues, you’re the total package huh? I bet there’s a couple toxic ex-boyfriend’s in there too, right?”

“You could say that,” You give him a playful glance.

“How about you let me take it all away tonight? All the pain,” He leaned forward now, his icy blue eyes practically peering into your soul.

His offer sounded absolutely perfect — you could use a nice distraction from the shit-show that was your life.

“We can do whatever you want, pretty-boy, just don’t fall in love with me, okay? I don’t do second rounds,” You winked at him, standing up from your seat and offering him a hand.

“Deal,” Gojo laced his fingers through yours and stood up, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“How big is your car?” You ask while the two of you stride through the club, hand in hand.

“Big enough if we put the back seats down,” He looked down at you with hazy eyes.

“Perfect”.

It didn’t take long for Gojo to put down the back seats of his relatively large, black SUV — and before you knew it he was swiftly pulling you inside and locking the doors.

It was too dark to see much of anything, so you flinched when he wrapped a firm arm around your waist and flipped you underneath him. You expected a rough kiss to your lips, but were taken by surprise when you felt a subtle touch on your neck instead. He left gentle, wet kisses up both sides of your neck, soft sighs of bliss slipping out from between your lips.

The gentle kisses slowly got more intense, his teeth leaving small nibbles and his tongue working furiously against your skin. You caught yourself wondering how that tongue would feel on other parts of your body.

You traced your fingers up his arms and cupped them around his cheeks, pulling his face to meet yours. You were desperate to actually kiss him, parting your lips and placing a kiss to his incredibly soft lips. He was quick to deepen it, his long fingers intertwining themselves in your hair. Sparks of electricity were going off in your head, your thoughts blurring together as you lost yourself in Gojo Satoru’s captivating kiss.

He slowly pulled away after a couple minutes, his breaths heavy.

“Can I take your clothes off, angel?”

You whisper a small confirmation, your skin tingling under his soft touches. You quickly twisted onto your stomach and he swiftly pulled the zipper down the back of your dress. He carefully removed the silky material from your body, leaving you in only your undergarments.

He ran his cool fingertips up your sides, inspecting every inch of your body with his curious hands. A heavy breath shuddered from his throat as he pressed his lips onto your torso, his breath hot against your cool skin. He left kisses all over your body, sucking hard on the sensitive spots and leaving you breathlessly wanting more.

His kisses got lower and lower until he was sucking on a sensitive patch of skin on the inside of your thigh. He lifted his head and you could practically feel his heavy breaths hitting the heat between your legs.

“I can take these off too?” He asked, slipping his slender fingers under the band of your underwear.

“Please,” you exhale, curling your fingers into his soft, fluffy hair.

After gaining confirmation, he wastes no time pulling the panties down your legs and throwing them to the side. His warm tongue was quick to find your clit, swirling in small, gentle circles. He sucked the small nub into his mouth, gently nibbling on it and sending intense shivers coursing through your body. Soft, strangled moans escaped your lips as he continued to work, his hot tongue lapping up and down your slick entrance.

Your fingers curled tighter in his hair, yanking hard when he pressed his tongue deep into your entrance. This was complete bliss — you had a terrible habit of one-night stands but no one had ever made you feel this good — and you hadn’t even gotten to the main course yet.

He lifted his head and pressed a small kiss to your lower abdomen before sitting up. His slender hands went straight to the buckles of his trousers, his fingers working quickly to get them undone. You sat up and moved towards him, ready to reciprocate the favor he just did for you — but he quickly pushed you away.

“Lay down, angel. I told you, tonight’s about making you feel good,” His words were smooth and serious, and they made your heart beat a little faster.

You were more than happy to oblige, leaning back and enjoying the show while he finished removing his boxers. Your eyes had adjusted to the dark now, and your stomach filled with butterflies when his full length was finally exposed. You sucked in a sharp breath, worried that his lengthy shaft would cause more pain than pleasure.

He pulled out a condom and expertly slid it down to the base of his cock, and when he looked up again, he seemed to notice your hesitancy.

“Relax, baby. I’ll start slow,” He whispered, leaning forward and pressing more gentle kisses to the sides of your face while he teased your entrance.

Shudders ripped through your body as he rubbed the tip of his length up and down your swollen pussy, a small snicker audible from his lips as he nibbled on your earlobe. You roughly bucked up your hips, desperate for more than what he was teasing you with.

“Relax,” he repeated, but this time it sounded more like an order.

Again, you obliged, but not without a small whimper sneaking its way out of your mouth.

He did exactly what he said he would, positioning the tip of his cock and slowly pushing it inside of you. He carefully inserted his entire length, your body tensing up underneath him. He leaned down and pressed another kiss to your cheek bone, whispering feverishly in your ear.

“You okay?”

You give him an eager nod, the initial pain of taking his massive length slowly starting to subside.

“Good,” he mumbled, beginning short, tender strokes that made your entire body feel like it was on fire.

Heavy, raspy groans forced their way out of both of your throats — your hands grasping fiercely at tufts of his hair. He gradually increased his pace as your walls adjusted to his size, and somehow it managed to feel better and better each time.

Gojo let out a deep groan, his head dipping low as endorphins exploded within him, causing a blissful feeling to wash over his body. Your light moans and scattered whimpers were filling his ears, and he decided they were his new favorite sound. He’d do whatever it took to keep those beautiful noises coming out of your pretty mouth.

We can do whatever you want, pretty-boy, just don’t fall in love with me, okay? Your words echoed in his head. Normally, that kind of thing wouldn’t be a problem for Gojo, but as he stared down at the dimly illuminated silhouette of your body — he realized he was breaking the deal. You were breathtaking, every curve of your body felt perfect against his hands, and he knew he’d need to see you again — one night wasn’t enough.

His hips began thrusting faster, forcing the tip of his cock impossibly deeper inside of you, a strangled cry forcing its way out of your lips. He groaned and threw his head back at the sound of your whimpers, his own need building stronger in his stomach. Your head felt like it was spinning, each thrust sending electrical pulses of pleasure through your core.

Gojo slowed his hips for just a moment, leaning down and whispering in your ear.

“I want you to come, tell me how you like it,” his words sent a series of shivers all the way down to your fingertips.

“Fuck, from behind, please,” You whined back, your voice shaky and filled with need.

“Okay, get up,” he instructed, pulling back and removing his shaft from inside you.

You sucked in a sharp breath of air at his sudden absence, quickly climbing into position and desperate to feel him inside of you again.

“Such a good girl,” he cooed, firmly grasping his hand around either side of your hips.

He wasted no time driving forward and sheathing himself back into your tight cunt, raspy groans ripping through his throat. It didn’t take long for that warm pressure to build up in your core, your hips shifting back against his to help him get even deeper. Your moans and whimpers got louder, more needy, filled with desperation — you needed to come so badly, and you were painfully stuck right on the cusp.

“Come for me, angel. Let me make you feel good,” he murmured — his gently, lusty voice exactly what you needed to push you over the edge.

Your body began to shake, a warm feeling erupting in your stomach as your walls clenched hard against his cock. Pleasure-filled cries filled the car, your body heaving and convulsing as the intense contractions coursed through you.

Gojo rolled his hips back, caught off guard by just how good it felt to have you come all over him. He felt his own climax suddenly wash over him, raspy strings of curse words rattling out of his mouth as he slammed hard into your hips. You whined loudly in response, the intensity of his peak greatly enhancing your own.

A few moments later you were both collapsed next to each other, the only sound being your uneven breaths.

“I think I broke our deal,” Gojo spoke between heavy breaths, “I want to see you again”.

You let out a shaky laugh, still catching your own breath, “I tried to warn you, I don’t do second dates”.

“Mhm, but this is different, right? I know no one has ever made you feel that good before,” he rolled over to face you.

“Maybe,” You shoot him a side-ways glance.

“So, let me make you feel good again,” He was practically pleading with you, “I can make your pain better, just give me one more day. And then one more day after that too. Just keep giving me one day, until there’s no more days left to give”.

You let out a heavy sigh, your heart aching at the idea of getting to know this mysterious man a little bit better.

“I’ll be honest, your offer is incredibly tempting,” You turn so you’re facing him too.

“So accept it,” he smiled, his eyes darker and heavier than they’d been all night.

“If we’re lucky enough for our paths to intertwine a second time, I’ll consider it,” You smile back, sitting up and slipping your dress over your head.

“Zip this for me?” You turn around so your back is facing Gojo.

One of his soft hands rested firmly on your hip to hold the fabric in place, and the second carefully zipped up your dress. A chill ran through your shoulders at just how gentle he’d consistently been with your body all night.

“Thank you,” You mumbled as you reached for your underwear, pulling them back up around your hips.

Gojo hummed in response, gathering his own clothes and slipping them back on.

“What’s your name, pretty-boy?” You coo at him as you slip your heels back onto your feet.

“Gojo Satoru. Do I have the pleasure of getting to know yours?” He peered over at you, lazily pulling his shirt back over his head.

“No, that’s a secret for now. But if we do meet again, I’ll tell you,” A small smirk tugged at the corners of your lips, “And by the way, I do hope we meet again, Gojo Satoru”.

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imaginesandinserts · 4 years

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Irreverent Pt. 34 - Perfect

Title: Irreverent Pt. 34 - Perfect Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: M Words: 4788

Irreverent Series Masterlist

With Aaron working late, you had decided to call it an early day, pushing aside your unread case files. They could wait. You texted Aaron as you got up to leave, telling him that you were going to be picking up Jack and he could meet you both back at your place. He'd looked up from his work briefly, meeting your eyes down in the bullpen and nodded in agreement. He watched as you walked out with Prentiss, grateful that Jack would get some time with at least one of you.

After you left, he worked quickly, hoping to make it home in time for dinner. It was funny how easily he'd started to think of your place as home too. It seemed the three of you spent a lot more time at your place compared to his apartment, which made sense as it was bigger and usually the place the team would also congregate if it wasn't at Rossi's. But it was also very you and Aaron had to admit that was part of it. Every part of that house felt like you and that made him feel at home - he'd neglected to really do that for his own apartment. Jack's room had the most effort put into it, but even then he knew that Jack much preferred your place as well.

He thought to when the two of you had told Jack that you were together. His son had kind of looked back and forth between you and him and then just nodded in understanding, asking if that meant he'd get to see Y/N more. Aaron wasn't sure what he'd been expecting truly and he had turned to gauge your reaction to it, but you'd just smiled at Jack and said that of course he'd get to see you as much as possible.

And they did - see you - as much as possible. But there was a part of Aaron that felt like he was going about the whole thing backwards. The two of you had reached this level of domesticity that made him finally feel like he had someone there, in this with him - but it also made him feel at unease because he knew there were things that you two hadn't quite talked about. You talked about Jack and you talked about your future and yet every time there was an opportunity to take your relationship further physically, he felt himself balking.

You'd both pushed some limits and there had been some heavy makeout sessions on the couch after dinner or in his office after everyone had left - but between work and all the cases that kept coming up and this odd hesitancy on his part, it just hadn't quite happened yet. He could see the question in your eyes every time as he'd suddenly notice how far the two of you had gotten and how entirely willing and pliant and soft you were under his touch and he'd force himself to stop and say something along the lines of "Oh we should wait" or "Do we really want the first time to be in the office?" And you'd accept it but he saw the question that you didn't ask in your eyes. He didn't really have an answer beyond the feeling that it had been so long for the both of you and he wanted it to be good. No, not good. He wanted it to be perfect. Because you deserved that and he had a feeling you hadn't had perfect and he didn't think perfect could happen when it was hurried and rushed and you were both worried about waking Jack or it was some hotel in Oklahoma with your coworkers in the next room.

He did in fact manage to make it home in time for dinner. He unlocked the front door to your place, letting himself in - that was another thing, who exchanged house keys before they'd slept together? He could hear music coming from the kitchen, and as he walked in he sees both you and Jack with flour everywhere, belting out Here Comes the Sun. He feels his heart swell at the sight.

His laugh turns both yours and Jack's attention to him. "Daddy!" His son runs towards him and he catches him.

"What's going on here?" He points to Jack's little apron and the mess the two of you had made in the kitchen.

"Y/N said we can bake cookies to take to school tomorrow," Jack explains as his father sets him down on the counter.

You're still mixing the batter together, just as covered in flour as Jack. He walks over to you and places a quick kiss on your cheek, swiping at some of the flour on your face.

"You're just in time for dinner," you tell him, covering the bowl and placing it in the fridge, to be baked afterwards.

"Alright, I'm going to go change and I'll help Jack get cleaned up too," he says, going to pick Jack up from the counter where he'd gotten his hands into the flour again.

You laugh and just nod as both Aaron and Jack leave the kitchen. It had been a great afternoon for you with Jack, the two of you had first gone through the recipe book and picked out the cookies he wanted. After a quick trip to the corner shop to grab the missing items, you two had set out and made a bit of a mess, but it had been fun and wholesome and it was moments like this with him that you cherished the most.

*------------*

You were on a case involving kids again. The Unsub had so far killed two fifteen year olds - a boy and a girl - and left their mangled bodies on the porch of their homes for their parents to find. The sight of mangled fifteen year old bodies on suburban porches was enough to turn anyone's stomach. The working theory was that it was another kid - probably a wronged classmate.

"Teenage Unsubs are the worst - they pretty much all profile as sociopaths," Derek says as the team finishes the briefing on the plane.

"I mean, you remember being a teenager - all that angst and drama built up in your head. Even the slightest thing could set you off," Emily responds while getting up to get something to eat from the back of the plane.

"Not everyone was a goth with mommy issues Prentiss." Derek's smirking in that self assured way that reminds you that despite everything he's been through, boy still grew up to be a popular jock.

You have to hide your snicker as Emily throws a middle finger in Derek's direction.

"You know," Spencer speaks up from beside you on the couch, "we don't know what you were like as a teenager, Y/N. I mean Derek was a jock and Emily was a goth and JJ claims she was a sweet soccer player but let's be real we all know she was a mean girl." JJ just rolls her eyes at Spencer. This was an old argument for them. "What were you like?"

"Umm, I don't know, normal I guess?" You shrug, feeling a little put on the spot - how do you explain what you were like as a teenager to a group of profilers and not have it be torn apart?

You hear a scoff and you all turn to Hotch whom the uncharacteristic sound had come from. He usually didn't let himself get drawn into these conversations.

"I'm sorry, you have something to share with the class, Hotch?" You quirk an eyebrow at him.

He looks up at you, shaking his head in a mixture of disbelief and amusement. "You were not normal. Come on." He has the slightest of smirks on his face, alluding to how much more he knows and how much better he knows you, compared to anyone else. Thin ice buddy.

"He's right," Emily chimes in, "We all know you were THAT girl."

"Who is THAT girl?" you ask, using quotation marks. They all look like they're agreeing with Hotch and Emily and you have no idea why.

"Ha! The only person who would have to ask who THAT girl is, is someone who was THAT girl," Derek answers, looking far too pleased with the turn of conversation.

Rossi is simply sitting there turning through the case files, watching the exchange in amusement, the way one might watch toddlers interact with one another as though they're adults.

"I believe what they're all talking about," Spencer explains, "is you were the person that everyone at school liked - but they didn't know why. You were nice but not too nice. You were polite and cordial but you didn't really have friends. Popular without even trying to be. Every guy probably wanted to date you but no one could have you. And seeing as you went to a new school every few years, you got to hold on to your whole mysterious stranger thing."

You have no idea how to react to that assessment. Spencer was a good profiler, no doubt, but this seemed rehearsed almost. And they were all agreeing with him. Like they'd all talked about it before…

You narrowed your eyes and looked only at Hotch. There was no way that was Spencer's profile - at least not his alone. "He came up with that by himself, did he?"

His smirk just gets deeper because he knows they have it - you haven't denied it.

"Do you all just sit around and talk about me? Is that it? You need lives." You roll your eyes, the smallest of smiles making its way onto your face before they all dissolve into fits of laughter at your expense.

*------------*

Two cases with kids back to back was a lot and its toll was obvious on everyone. You'd managed to identify the Unsub as Nathan Crest, a fifteen year old who was kidnapping classmates he had a grudge against. He'd already gone through three out of the five names on his list that Penelope had found on his blog. The fifth girl was in custody but you'd been too late and the fourth - Casey Adams - was taken that morning on his way to school.

"Garcia, have you checked any other blogs or social media he might be updating in order to track him?" Hotch is frustrated that they haven't found the Unsub yet and every second is time wasted because he dumps his victims within 24 hours.

"Sir, I'm tracking any information we have on him and if he as much as logs in, I'll know. But until he does, we don't have much."

Casey Adams' parents have been at the police station all day and JJ has been sitting with them, trying to better understand why Nathan might have a grudge against Casey specifically. Unfortunately, parents rarely think their own kids are problematic and so far they'd been unhelpful and hysterical.

The problem was, there wasn't a pattern. Every name on the list seemed random at best with no connection to Nathan, and the team hadn't been able to pin down motive at all. Nathan's parents were refusing to help the police. You'd had to draw the conclusion that these were all perceived slights by Nathan who had chosen to escalate and devolve quickly.

You were looking over the victimology again to better understand maybe where he was holding them. The first girl, Tabitha Avery had been sweet, leader of the church choir with the voice of angel apparently. Gregory Smith, the first boy, was the lead player on the soccer team, and Amy Tabot was captain of the debate team. They all had such bright and happy futures ahead of them. They were all well liked, popular but not too popular, they were all nice, good kids who didn't bully Nathan by any means. So what was the connection?

There's a small thought tingling in the corner of your brain, and so you pull out the file on Casey Adams. Casey was a seemingly good student and was lead of the school play. You also pulled out the file on the final girl, Rebecca Stump - she was safe at least. Rebecca, it appeared, was a straight A student, always on honor roll.

Funny how they're all accomplished kids in one way or another. Sports, music, debate, theatre, and academics…

"Um, Hotch?" You try to get his attention because you're pretty sure you have a thought and it might just be it.

He looks at you, eyebrows raised in question. "You have something?"

"I think so," you respond, showing him all of the kids' files. "They were all accomplished kids in one way or another - they were all y'know THAT girl…or boy I suppose."

"You're thinking, what if Nathan wanted to excel in all of those things as well?" He's nodding along and adding on, catching up to your train of thought.

"Yeah, and if that's the case and he targeted them because they have something or are good at something that he wants to be good at - wouldn't you want to hurt them in the exact place where you had to face their talent?"

"School theatre."

"Yeah."

He's already calling it in as you gear up to head out.

By the time you get to the school, SWAT has the entire theatre building surrounded and the school campus was long cleared off. Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ are entering through the front of the theatre while Rossi and Spencer take the side entrances, leaving the back entrance that leads to the stage, for you and Hotch.

As you slowly and silently inch your way in, you can see Casey Adams tied up to a chair, at the edge of the stage. You and Hotch make eye contact and he indicates to you to go from the right side of the stage and he'll go from the left. Morgan has already confronted Nathan and they're talking, with Morgan trying to talk him down from hurting Casey.

You can see that Nathan has a gun, but also a knife stashed in the back of his pants. He's waving the gun at Casey.

"Nathan," you hear Hotch try to engage him now. "You won't get anything by hurting Casey, but you do risk losing everything. Let us help you."

"You won't help me! All you'll do is ignore me and throw me away because I'm not good enough or smart enough or talented enough for them!"

He's devolved quite a bit and you feel your stomach sinking as he's not backing down.

He goes to press the trigger of the gun now pointed at Casey's head and you hear two gunshots. You see that Casey had made a valiant jump forward off the edge of the stage and just barely missed being shot. Derek's bullet was now embedded in Nathan's skull.

*------------*

The plane ride back had been muted. Both Derek and Hotch were blaming themselves for not being able to connect with Nathan fast enough to talk him down and prevent his death. You knew that Aaron would feel the guilt and the weight of the death of a kid - even if he had been the Unsub. He wouldn't focus on the fact that the other child survived - that'd be far too easy for Aaron Hotchner.

You'd all landed late at night and Jack was still with Jess. Aaron had followed you back to your place at your urging, knowing that him being alone right now would be worse.

You waited at the doorstep, for him to park, and let the two of you in. Wordlessly, he moved to the kitchen - a drink was very much needed. He reached your liquor cabinet and pulled out the scotch that was kept there for him and Dave along with two glasses. You'd taken off your shoes in the foyer and joined him, hoisting yourself onto the island, your legs dangling in front. He was pouring out the liquor for the both of you and turned to hand you a glass, before leaning against the opposite counter.

You didn't know how to help him, comfort him. He looked so exhausted and so done and while you'd tried to talk to him on the plane, you knew it had fallen flat. He wasn't going to just snap out of it because of a few words. So instead you sipped at the scotch he'd handed you, wincing at the burn of it going down your throat and leaving behind a heat in your chest.

He was drinking silently, contemplatively, his brow furrowed and his shoulders hunched. He'd dropped his jacket on the couch on the way in and the sleeves of his shirt were folded up to the elbows, his tie loosened around his neck and the collar button undone. Only the dim lights running underneath the cabinets were on and the shadows cast on his face made him so much more picturesque - like an old time Hollywood star, you think fondly.

"We should fuck." Your blunt words cut through the silence, prompting him to look up in surprise, unsure if he'd heard you correctly.

"Excuse me?" No, there was no way that's what you'd just said - he was hearing things. He watches as you slowly place your glass on the counter, a fair distance from where you're actually seated. Your body is tense and the look on your face suggests that even you were surprised by what you'd said. But your eyes - brazen and fiery - betrayed only by the slight tremor he caught as you moved your hand back towards you, your eyes told him that you knew exactly what you were saying.

"You heard me." You take a deep breath as his eyes are still on you and he's put his glass down on the counter behind him. "We should fuck." You can feel your heart beating fiercely in your chest - in fear of rejection or anticipation - you're not sure which.

Aaron's moving to come closer to you and you part your legs, allowing him to stand between them. He's not really doing much besides watching you curiously, so you reach out and wrap your hands around his shoulders and meet his eyes. He seems conflicted as he asks you, is voice soft and uncertain, "Is this because of the case?"

You swallow before pulling him closer, placing a light kiss to the edge of his face, close to his ear. The shiver that runs through him is entirely involuntary. "A little," you admit, your voice low and your breath warm against his ear. "But also because I really want to." You place a small kiss at the top of his ear. "And because I think you do too." The lightest brush of your lips touches his jaw. "And no matter what it will never be exactly perfect." Another kiss gently placed on his cheek. Your fingers are intertwined around his neck now. You tilt back so you can see his face properly. He looks dazed and his breathing is harsher. His hands have found their way around your waist, slowly caressing back and forth. "And because we should really really fuck."

His lips crash into yours almost immediately and he can feel you smile into the kiss before he invades your mouth. Your legs cross together behind him, and you pull yourself flush against him so there's no mistaking exactly where you want this to go. You break away from his mouth and move your attention to his jaw and neck, your hands fumbling with the buttons on his shirt in the quest to feel skin.

You manage to undo his tie and toss it aside, before he grunts out, "We're not doing this in the kitchen." Cupping your ass and picking you up, your legs still wound around him, he easily makes the trek up to your bedroom. By the time he arrives at your door, his shirt has been entirely unbuttoned and pulled out from his pants and your lips have scorched every inch of reachable, visible skin.

His hand fumbles with the light switch by the door, and as you pause your exploration to look at him in question, he explains, "I wanna see you." His voice is strangled and yet still firm and you find yourself nodding in understanding as he manages to get the lights on and carry you towards the bed. He puts you down to finish taking his shirt off and watches as you shimmy out of your own pants and top while you wait for him, leaving you in only your bra and underwear.

You could feel yourself growing warmer as you watched Aaron undo his belt and take his pants off, from your spot on the bed. His eyes had been trained on you the entire time as you'd shed your clothing and his gaze over your body caused a shudder to run through you. There was a part of you that had expected him to put this off again and the fact that it was happening at all - finally - felt like a miracle. You'd wanted him to feel comfortable and ready whenever the two of you did become intimate but you wouldn't lie and say you'd enjoyed the wait. You might be a prude with other men, but with Aaron you'd felt ready for so long that it had been really hard to have the tables turned and have him be the one stalling.

You tried to commit this image of him to memory, standing in your room, breathing hard, hair rumpled from your hands running through it.

Having gotten down to his boxers, he leaned down to kiss you again, gently pushing you further along the bed, towards the headboard. His hands exploring the new skin that was exposed, and the feel of him touching you after so long was nothing short of exquisite. His hand reached around to the back of your bra, pausing until you nodded, before he deftly undid the hooks, allowing it to fall forward and off.

His eyes went to your breasts immediately and he notices some writing on your skin to the side that the bra had covered - date in elegant black script. You saw the question in his eyes. "Julian's birthday," you explain, your voice low and hesitant. He nods in understanding before pressing his lips to it. No one had ever been this gentle with you.

Aaron is determined to paint your skin with his lips, ghosting over the swell of your breasts, down your stomach, until his mouth reaches the top of your underwear. He looks up at you, meet your shining, anticipating eyes, before quickly ridding you of your underwear as well. The first touch of his mouth to your heat has a moan escaping your lips. With one hand on your stomach to hold you down, he licks up your slit, drawing another moan from you. Your hands are scrambling for something to grab onto and he helps you find his, fingers intertwined with yours, while continuing to lick and nip gently at your clit.

You are so wet and everything is so warm and of course he'd be good at this. The only grounding force are his hands in yours because otherwise you've been gone since the second he went down on you. You can feel the knot growing tighter and tighter in your stomach, your breaths hard and shallow, and your toes curling. Your hips buck into his face as you feel your orgasm wash over you, his name expelled from you. He helps you ride through it, stopping only when your trembles end and your legs go limp.

"So beautiful," he murmurs, moving up to meet your mouth again and kissing you languidly, as you taste yourself on him. He truly believes it - flush with color, hair mussed, a thin layer of sheen over your body, and the slightest of lazy smiles gracing your mouth - you've never looked better to him.

You reach for the top of his boxers, eager to see all of him and return the favor, but your hands are too clumsy and he has to help, shedding them himself. You feel your eyes widen at the sight of him. You'd suspected of course that he would be big, but wow. Before he can stop you, you've leaned down and kissed the tip, licking up the precome gathered there and the reaction is instantaneous.

"Fuck." His voice is guttural and the sound is like lightning through you.

You find yourself grinning dazedly up at him. Aaron Hotchner does not swear. Not usually at least.

The sight of you bent down in front of him, your mouth on his cock is likely enough to finish him. He has no intention of that however. He manhandles you to lay back against the pillows and climbs over you, his mouth meeting yours once again. You bring your hands back to his shoulders as he pulls away from your mouth to line himself up with your slit. He meets your eyes, before kissing you again and pushing in. The way you grasp him, wet and warm and tight, has him groaning out loud.

When he meets your eyes again there's only one word in his mind - Mine. He's not sure where this incredibly possessive thought came from but it has him pulling back out and then in again with a staggering force.

Your mouth is right near his ear, lips just at his ear and this moan is meant just for him. "Yours."

Had he said it out loud? He had. He had if your lust blown eyes are anything to go off of.

FUCK.

His hands find your breasts, tweaking the nipple into a hardened bud, and it's all so much and you're not ready to come again so soon. He can feel you pushing up at him.

He pushes in again, before flipping you over, still sheathed inside. He's deeper but you have more control now. You meet his mouth and swallow his groans as you rotate your hips on top of him, using his shoulders as leverage to move yourself up and down. It's all moans and hard breathing and he's never looked this vulnerable, letting you take control like this. His warm brown eyes are so so dark and his hands are skimming down you, finding your arms and then your hands, off of his shoulders, intertwining your fingers again and helping you move.

"You're close, sweetheart." It's not a question, he can tell as your hips have lost their rhythm.

You can't respond, so you only nod as his hips take control, thrusting up into you and his thumb finds your clit. Once, twice. And you can feel yourself falling and falling. It’s hard to breathe and you come with a silent scream, shuddering through the hardest orgasm you've ever experienced.

You're pretty sure you blacked out for a moment, because when you come to, he's maneuvered you to your hands and knees and he's behind you and all around you and when you look up you can see the two of you reflected in the mirror in the corner and his hips are slamming into you towards the finish line. I wonder how many times he's thought about that. You watch, mesmerized by the sight, as he lifts you with an arm wrapped around your breasts, his chest flush against your back, his other hand finding your clit and his lips on your neck, leaving a trail of wet open mouthed kisses.

"Come on sweetheart, one more, come with me." You can feel his hips stuttering as he quickly and efficiently gets you to your third orgasm. You turn your head to meet his lips as he spills into you, swallowing his groans as he pushes you off the edge with him.

He slowly slips out of you and that incredibly full feeling leaves you. The two of you fall back towards the bed, him dragging you with him, on top.

The two of you lay like that for seconds, minutes, it could've been hours really, your mind is too hazy to remember.

"You were wrong." His hands are trailing through your hair gently and his voice is soft and almost sleepy.

You look at him with half-lidded eyes, from your place half on top of him. "About?"

"It was perfect."

The smile on his face, was everything.

#criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds reader insert #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x y/n #hotch x you #hotch x reader #hotch x y/n #hotchner x reader #hotchner x you #aaron hotchner imagine #irreverentseries

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hargrove-mayfields · 3 years

Note

Autistic max? I’m all in -🦖

yes!! Max being on the spectrum is one of my favorite headcanons! Here’s a bit of my thoughts and hcs for you anon! <3

okay so first i wanna talk a little about where this hc came from! this idea was born in my head for a multitude of reasons, but the general summary is this:

-she misses a lot of social+emotional cues! she didn’t pick up on just how annoyed Mike was with her in the gym and kept pushing until El intervened, she didn’t detect any of Lucas’ panic or frustration when he was explaining the upside down to her until he touches her, and when el is jealous and just not interested in meeting her, she seems to be completely unfazed by that until she walks away. also every scene she has with Billy, he’s very shut off and she seems to be confused about what she’s expected to say, missing that he’s angry until he’s lashing out, and idk to me it just seems like she doesn’t really have a grasp on understanding others’ emotions!

-similarly, she only seems to react in the face of immediate danger, as if she’s a lot of the time unaware of how bad things truly are around her. like when she’s helping to find dart without even knowing what’s going on, driving a whole muscle car and going down into the tunnels without a hint of fear, seeming barely concerned when the mindflayer was about to drop through the ceiling. it’s almost like she has trouble fully processing the consequences of certain things, which could also explain why she sneaks out even though she probably knows what Neil is like and the fact that it could potentially put her in danger.

-the way she dresses just screams tactile sensitivity! she doesn’t ever wear anything flowy, any scratchy materials, and even at the snowball, where we see Susan fussing over her, she’s still dressed for comfort. what young girl with a mother clearly interested in making her pretty is going to get away with wearing jeans to a school dance if she doesn’t have sensory issues?

-also, whenever she gets upset she seems to shut down. like she almost never talks to Billy after he yells at her unless it’s necessary, when her and Lucas are talking on top of the bus it definitely seems like she’s struggling to voice her feelings or put words to her emotions, when Billy’s in the sauna, after he’s activated she starts turning in on herself, and after his death she’s just sitting in his room. like maybe she doesn’t really understand her own emotions that well either.

I’m not really viewing any of this as like, solid evidence or anything btw, these are just some things I’ve noticed about her as an autistic girl her age and living in a very similar situation that I think are neat and relatable!

onto the stuff I literally made up because I love her!

-Susan gives me autism mommy vibes. Like, making it her identity that she has a child with autism, and at times that can get super frustrating for Max because she hates being her mom’s little trophy daughter, gossiped about at all the potlucks so people feel sorry for her. Her absolute least favorite thing is “She’s such a handful.” and when Susan pulls the I’m so lonely because of taking care of you card to make her feel bad. Especially because she doesn’t feel very taken care of, once she’d hit a certain age her mother decided she’d be alright without all that “kid stuff” and basically tossed her into the world on her on. (hence why she’s Billys responsibility)

-In the 80s (and still now if we’re being entirely honest) it was very normal to just throw a casual r slur into conversation and it kills Max every time her friends say it, especially Mike because she thinks he’s being mean and doesn’t like her. She doesn’t know how to explain to them that that hurts her feelings because she doesn’t even know how to bring it up that she’s autistic. Billy tells her once to try to cheer her up that he could beat them up for her but she cries even harder because that’s what she doesn’t want, is for them to think she’s overreacting. He feels bad and tries to make up for it bringing it up with some of the moms of the group and asking that they tell their kids to stop using that word ever.

-In California she was in special ed classes, but Hawkins Middle deems that not necessary for someone of her “functioning level” (yuck) and she gets landed in coed instead. It might’ve been alright if that was how she started her education, but she was already used to classes of four or five kids like her, and she just cannot learn in that new environment. So she does really, really bad in school her first year in Hawkins. She feels kind of self conscious around her friends because they’re all so smart and her grades make her feel stupid even though it’s not her fault, and that’s why she kinda drifts towards being close with El because she struggles with learning things too.

-Smells are probably her worst overstimulation triggers. Things like cigarette smoke, fresh brewed coffee, her moms perfume, cooking and baking smells, the automatic air freshener thing, candles. Pretty much anything stronger than the smell of water is just overwhelming for her, especially if there’s something else already working her up, because then a whiff of something too strong can put her straight into a meltdown. Billy decides to quit smoking for her (he’ll never admit that, he’s adamant that it was because it was messing with his lung capacity and he’s trying to work out) and he also does things like buy Susan a new, less offensive perfume for her birthday and open windows to get stuffy air out of the house. They never really talk about what that does for her but like, that’s part of how they start getting closer, is when he starts making little accommodations for her like that.

-In addition to smells, there are very specific sounds she can’t stand. It’s not all loud noises, some of them like the rev of Billy’s car or a bass guitar at an outdoor amphitheater are some of her favorites, but the ones she doesn’t like, she really hates. Things like styrofoam, dishes hitting off of each other, something scratching against ice that builds up in the freezer, TV static, the toaster popping up or the oven beeping, and people who can’t chew with their mouths closed (looking at you Billy, keep that gum in your mouth please) all make her feel gross. She’ll try to physically shake off the way those sounds make her feel but sometimes they’re just too much and she shuts down for a while until she gets to hear something else. In that case usually really quiet music or someone talking to her quietly can reel her back in.

-Her interests vary a lot! The longest she’s ever held one special interest was a Miss Piggy phase! Susan liked that she was showing interest in a feminine character because of a lot of her si’s were tomboyish, but Max liked Piggy because she knew karate and punched people who laughed at her or tried to make her feel bad about herself! She has all sorts of Piggy collectibles, like toys, bed sheets, posters, books, mugs and watches! Otherwise her interests and fixations tend to come and go pretty quickly, like one week she could want to know everything there is to know about pro skaters, and the next she’s into the history of circuses! She liked cars for a little while and Billy was really excited to indulge in that and let her get familiar with the camaro, but she shifted to video games pretty soon after and he had to let it drop.

-Another interest that’s also pretty constant for her is nature! Not only for the sensory experience of it, listening to leaves rustle and birds chirp and water rush, but also all the knowledge about it. She can identify any type of flower, grass, tree, critter, or fungus! When she’s melting down and needs to be away from the house, she asks Billy to take her to the state park so she can just sit and be quiet and calm down on a fallen tree or a swing set somewhere. They do have some woods behind their house but she’s too afraid to venture out there and prefers to be out with her brother anyways.

-Stims! She’ll fiddle with zippers and buttons and loose threads constantly to the point that they buy her three or four of the same jackets and shirts for when she inevitably breaks them. She also chews on sleeves and hoodie strings a lot. Other tactile stims she favors are string tricks and braiding and tieing knots! Braiding her and Billy’s hair is something she’ll do anytime she needs to feel grounded, and she has a whole bunch of those little wooden boards that kids use to learn how to tie their shoes to tie knots with. She also always has a pocketful of yarn, and her favorite thing to make with them is a spider web or a star!

-Sort of related to her fascination with string is that her shoelaces never ever match, she has like a whole drawer in her room full of different ones to change them out! (and she has Miss Piggy Bow Biters to put on them!)

-She’s also a very verbal stimmer at times! Giggles for days with Max, if she’s excited, happy, nervous, whatever, she’s giggling. Humming and mimicking too, like if she hears a sound she likes she’ll try to make it, whether it be part of a song or something she hears outside. But if she is sad she’ll get as quiet as a mouse.

Idk these are just like my sort of canon compliant hcs I guess? Like what I feel would be true for her in the timeline and storyline of the show!

#answered #anonymous #max mayfield #hcs under the cut because I’m long winded lol #thank you lovely anon for giving me the opportunity to ramble about this <3 #I could go on about this for eons #I actually have three fics planned out centered around Max’s autism #it just feels nice to project onto a character I relate to on so many levels #hope you like tho anon!#also always happy to share more!#<3

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 3 years

Note

Heyo can I request a hq matchup thingy? I've been all over yer blog and its cute!

I'm 5'8 (on the verge of 5'9), sorta athletic build, lanky but not really slim and more on the curvy side, she/they, light redish brown skin tone, I have shoulder length coily dark brown hair with bangs, glasses, i wear beanies to hide my bedhead and I have a slash on my left eyebrow from when i scraped it on a desk at age nine it was very fun. Totally unrelated note but my friends say i smile like Squirtle and when I'm mad i just look like a really intimidating baby duck 😞

I'm a sagittarius, I have ADHD, a little tomboyish personality wise bc i wear a lot of skirts but im nowhere near girly, I'm a bit rowdy but I'd never do anything to make someone uncomfortable, i gots mommy issues and a little bit of a temper but I'm very approachable, I speak fluent sarcasm and can come off a little rude if ya don't know me that well but I'm very respectful but i kinda swear a lot....

Despite my 'sense of instability' i come from a family full of lawers and veterans (kept separate my parents broke up before i as born), growing up I didnt have the best childhood so i always have empathy and best believe i will fact check you if your out of line 🤬. I'm the one who's willing to cheer you on and support you through thick and thin as well as being at almost every game or event your preforming/ playing at :), I'm very generous and a bit of a care giver(more of a simp if ya squint): ya want water?? "here have mine", hungry? ''oh want McDonald's? i can pay if ya want'' cold?? "here my hoodie im pretty warm already"

My hobbies include singing, playing bass and acoustic guitar, both traditional + digital drawing, dancing and i play a lot of sports like volleyball (i spike and/or set), softball (pitch), boxing + track and field (are those two even a sport???). I've always wanted to be a really big artist and if it doesn't work out i can always try out voice acting bc even though my voice is pretty low i can make it really high pitch like shoujo anime girl high pitch or become a sports journalist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I'm the memer of my friend group and i like to think my sense of humor and style are on point. I'm a big horror movie junkie... from 80s to late and early 2000s, every slashers, thrillers to sci-fi trust me I've watched it all >:), i loveeeee Pokémon i may or may mot have had a huge crush on Brock and James when i was 6 , and Sanrio, i stick kuromi stickers on everything i own 😅. I also have a really big Batman obsession (grew up around a lot of bois other than my brothers) but i prefer MARVEL...

Sorry this seems pretty long and totally disregard if yer busy but have a good day/night <3

@callmedirtbag

Romantic Matchup

Semi Eita

How Y’all Met

So you we’re new to Shiratorizawa

And you we’re just walking around campus when you found a gym

When you peeked inside you saw a empty gym

But what really intrigued you was the volleyball net and balls inside 👀

The gym looked pretty empty so you decided to mess around with the volleyballs for a bit

You got so into your practicing that you didn’t notice Semi walk in

Semi was a little confused on why there was just a random person in the gym

But he couldn’t deny that you had some skill 😗

However he saw that you were struggling with your sets

So he decided to help you 😃

Ngl you we’re very kinda embarrassed about getting caught practicing

But he assured you that he didn’t really care and that the rest of the team wasn’t coming for another 30 minutes or so

After hearing that you gladly accepted his offer to help you practice

You two actually got to know each other quite well during this time

So when the rest of the team started filing in to practice

You gave Semi your number and told him to text you if he ever wanted to hang out

You left just before Tendou started picking on Semi for blushing 👀

Anyways you guys became really good friends and would hang out A LOT

So nobody was too shocked when you both decided to start dating

But apparently Tendou and Shirabu had made a bet on it 😅

What They Love About You

He loves the fact that your kind

But will fuck someone up if needed 🙂

He knows he never has to worry about you

He loves that your a fellow musician

To him it’s just one more thing you two have in common

And it’s one more thing he gets to do with you

He loves how supportive you are

Even though you know that semi doesn’t get to play that much

You still show up to EVERY one of his games to cheer the team on

And oh god when he does get to play

I swear people from OUTSIDE the gym can hear you cheering for him

Honestly he doesn’t mind if your a simp 👀

There’s a teeny tiny 🤏 part of him that likes to be babied

Favorite Things To Do Together

Oml he loves for horror movie marathons

He absolutely loves them

Because A: he gets to watch almost EVERY single horror movie made

And B: he gets to watch them with you :D

Oh and he also loves to watch any and all marvel movies with you 👀

But other than movies

He loves to make music with you

Duh

It’s usually you both playing instruments together

But every now and then one of you will sing 🎶

Random Hc

You two write the CUTEST songs together

But you never ever sing them

Like wtf you two

One time semi offered to help you practice your spikes

And you accidentally hit him in the face 💀

Now he swears you have a better spike then ushijima 👀

Your friends mentioned your squirtle smile to him...

And now he can’t unsee it 🥲

Astrology

The security and flexibility they can give one another.

Once they open up to one another and to appreciate their different philosophies in love and in life, these two have potential for steamy relations, deep connections and heartfelt respect.

As long as they communicate and celebrate their differences, theirs will be a passionate relationship.

Both Scorpio and Sagittarius see each day as an adventure and as an endless opportunity to explore, to probe, to learn. Shared escapades bring them closer.

While Sagittarius may get fed up with Scorpio’s stubbornness and inflexibility, Scorpio could be thinking their Sagittarius mate is just a little too hotheaded.

They’ll enjoy learning together, and travel could be very beneficial for this pair.

Their relationship is always on the go!

Mars is the God of War, opening the door for Scorpio’s determined, courageous character.

Mars, when combined with Pluto, represents rebirth and renewal.

Jupiter focuses on philosophy, higher learning, expansion, optimism, luck and travel.

These planetary attributes — of growth, expansion and masculine energy — combine to create a sustainable relationship of mutual admiration.

Overall Aesthetic

90s

No Scrubs - TLC

Say My Name - Destiny’s Child

She’s So High - Tai Bachman

99 Red Balloons - Nena

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu fandom #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu matchups #semi #semi Eita #semi x reader #semi x y/n

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gerberbabey · 4 years

Text

teenagers | platonic!pogues

To celebrate reaching 100 followers I meant to post my first request but i lagged Shoutout to that anon!

Request: fem!reader is from obx BUT shes not the usual denim shorts with a cute tank top and minimal makeup yanno shes a little more alt tiktok girl style/euphoria style and shes SUPER sassy and badass. can the scenario be: at a party and stands up to rafe for kie and its her meeting the pogues? so jus the pogues x platonic!reader.

a/n: to the person that sent the request, i forgot to say in the ask: I love you and i appreciate you. hope you love this ❤️ also the hardest part about this was picking out the outfit 💀

masterlist

warnings: cussing, rafe’s a dickhead, underaged drinking, there is talk of sex no actual sex tho sorry, terrible writing (idk who editing is)

♫ Teenagers by My Chemical Romance ♫

As someone who’s lived her entire life on an island, people found it rather odd that you weren’t much of an “island” person. Despite being born and raised in Kildare County, in the Outer Banks, aka “Paradise on Earth”, there was so much about you that didn’t conform to the same lifestyle as those around you. You tended to step away from doing ocean related activities, stood out specifically in the way you presented yourself, and more recently spent more of your time on the mainland than the islands now that school was out for the summer.

“Do you wanna...go...to the....” Sarah trailed off as she stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to your ceilings. Any idea she had involved dressing down into swim wear and going out to the beach or just ocean in general. And she knew you would turn it down despite being grounded and therefore stuck on the island.

When you’d called her and told her that you were bored and in turn needed her company and entertainment, she didn’t really expect you to tell her that your parents had prohibited you from taking the ferry out to the mainland for the next month.

“Y’know, what’d you even do? To get grounded?” Sarah questioned as she lay on your bed while music played from the vintage record player your parents had copped for you a few years back.

“Me and my friends got caught trespassing,” you mumbled, “It was really stupid.”

“You got caught trespassing?” Sarah scoffed.

“Yeah and the only reason we go caught in the first place was because Andy-you remember Andy?” Sarah nodded her head despite the fact that she didn’t now who you were talking about, “Got super high off an indica strain and fell asleep! Lin and Nico got away cus they left me and TK to take care of him! Andy’s fucking huge!”

“Wha-Ok, why were you even trespassing?”

“Cus...we wanted to skate,” you explained and you rolled your eyes Sarah raised her brows at you.

“(Y/N), you got arrested because you wanted to skate?!”

“No, ok I almost got arrested because Andy’s a big motherfucker!” you retorted and Sarah threw her hands up in exasperation.

It was ridiculous but it made sense. Not only were you and your mainland friends kind of reckless, it made sense that your parents grounded you to the island. Sure they were actually extremely lax and reasonable (If Sarah were to describe your parents she would call them Hippies. Hippies straight out of the 60s.)They were understanding of who you were as a person and loved you for it but always warned you that they drew the line at two things and those things were jail time and life threatening injuries.

Sometimes she wondered how the two of you were friends, but she wouldn’t have had it any other way. You were one of the few people who didn’t make her feel trapped in the relationship you had. You didn’t have overbearing expectations for her and didn’t base her image off of the one she presented to the public. You were friends with her because of who she was rather than who she seemed to be.

“Ok well, your parents aren’t forcing you to stay home so what do you wanna do?” Sarahh questioned and you sighed.

“I don’t know...I...I literally don’t even do anything on this island.”

Sarah glanced at you and watched as you looked at yourself in your mirror. You’d been going through your closet and had already tried on 6 different outfits since she’d gotten there.

“I heard there’s gonna be a kegger on the boneyard?” Sarah brought up and you paused, looking at her through the mirror. Sarah raised her brows, “We could go to the kegger, drink, smoke, and have fun...or we could stay here...bored...while you try on more outfits,” Sarah tried to make the second option less appealing but considering you were...well, you, you only smiled at her.

“Will you tell me how pretty I look?” you fluttered your eyelashes and Sarah scoffed out a laugh as she grabbed a shirt from the pile of clothes on your bed and bundled it up so she could throw it at you.

“(Y/N) I sat here for 2 hours and watched you do your make up. We’re going to the kegger,” she finalized, “You might as well enjoy yourself while your stuck on the island.”

“Bold of you to assume I’ll enjoy myself,” you scoffed, tossing the shirt aside.

"Seriously why don’t you give anyone on this island-aside from me-a chance?” Sarah gave you a hopeful smile.

“Because your brother and his friends wear polos, khaki shorts, and moccasins,” you gave her a mocking smile back and Sarah shrugged as the two of you laughed. You could never understand why Kook boys decided to dress the way they did. Sure the clothes they wore were brand clothing and ridiculously expensive, but that didn’t mean they necessarily looked good.

“Ok, y’know what, I’ll call Topper and we could head out right now. Is that what you wanna wear-”

“Ugh, Topper Thornton? Are you talking to him now?” you groaned and Sarah gave you a look.

“What? He’s cute!” Sarah defended and you rolled your eyes.

“I just don’t trust it. For whatever reason, every cute guy on this island has daddy issues,” you undid the belt around your waist and slipped the large button up shirt off your shoulders, leaving yourself standing in your underwear and jewelry as you pointed to Sarah to emphasize your point.

“Well Topper obviously does not have daddy issues.”

“Yeah because he has mommy issues,” you snorted and Sarah couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped her lips.

“That’s not funny (Y/N)!” she chastised though she was giggling behind her hand.

“Uh, yeah it is,” you shot back and you looked around you at the pile of clothes spread across the floor. You picked up some clothes and too your time to put them on (just to irritate Sarah a little) before you turned to the mirror and looked over your outfit and how it matched with your make up.

“Are you good?” Sarah asked as she slipped her sandals onto her feet. You tilted your head and reached up to muss up your hair a little before nodding.

“Yeah ok,” you answered before you went over to turn off your record player. You stepped over the clothes you’d thrown around the room as you followed after Sarah, making sure to turn your lights off as you went.

“That’s Topper’s car,” Sarah pointed out once you turned around from locking your front door (your parents had banned you from the mainland but that didn’t mean they weren’t allowed to go live their lives) and you tried not to cringe as you noticed that Rafe and Kelce were also in the car.

“Wow, the whole frats here,” you mumbled as Sarah opened the door and let you slide in first.

“Hey (Y/N),” Kelce greeted kindly and you smiled at him, scooting a bit closer so that Sarah could fit in.

“Hi,” you greeted. Kelce was alright. He didn’t really do much aside from follow around Rafe and Topper but outside of that he wasn’t the worst. You thought that maybe if he didn’t feel the need to follow those two around you would get along with him pretty easily.

“Hey,” Topper greeted you awkwardly from the rearview mirror, before he grinned at Sarah. You rolled your eyes even as Sarah nudged at your ribs.

“(Y/N),” Rafe drawled and you tilted your head to the side as you narrowed your eyes at him.

“Rafe,” you replied pointedly.

There was an awkward, tense silence in the car before Topper cleared his throat.

“Let’s go?” he questioned and all of you mumbled back some type of confirmation.

By the time you’d gotten to the Boneyard you were overheated in Topper’s car. You’d shrugged off your cardigan, ignoring Rafe’s glance back at you as you continued to mumble to Sarah about something. Topper pulled up to the side of the road, carefully parking his car amongst the billions of other cars that found themselves at the Boneyard.

“I’m literally sweating so much right now,” you whined as you stumbled out of the car, “Why is it so hot in your car Topper?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have worn that sweater,” Topper pointed out and you gave him a look.

“Don’t knock my outfit just cus I know how to dress myself,” you scoffed before you headed off, tugging Sarah along with you. The three boys followed after you, talking between themselves. A few people greeted your lot as you made your way into the heart of the Boneyard, where the kegger was being held. There was a bonfire lit and noise all around. You and Sarah found yourselves mixing in with a group of Tourons, talking about something or another. Rafe, Kelce, and Topper were standing only a few feet away with some of their usual Kook friends.

“Should we get a drink?” you asked Sarah as you settled into the atmosphere and Sarah took a deep breath before she looked over to the keg. In the center of the beach party was usually John B and his usual crew of JJ, Pope, and Kie. The keg was currently being manned by Kie Carrera herself, her 3 friends out of sight. Sarah pursed her lips and shook her head.

“I don’t really wanna head over there,” she told you and you raised a brow.

“You’re gonna drag me to this kegger and....not go to the keg...because of a girl you kind of had beef with your freshman year?”

“(Y/N),” Sarah said firmly and you rolled your eyes.

“Ok I’ll go get us drinks,” you put your arms up and Sarah opened her mouth to protest but you only waved her off as you made your way through the beach. The sand was a little firmer around the Boneyard so you didn’t have to worry that much about your shoes or your ankles giving out on you.

You stepped into where you figured people were lining up to be handed drinks and smoothed out your outfit, ignoring the looks being shot your way. You were used to those at this point.

“Do you always walk off by yourself?”

You tried not to roll your eyes into the back of your head as Rafe stepped up beside you, following the motion of the haphazard line to get closer to the keg.

“Do you always have to bother me?” you replied and Rafe shook his head.

“Yeah I don’t know what your problem with me is (Y/N) but-”

“But?” You cut off Rafe, staring up at him as he clenched his jaw in irritation, “We don’t need to get along Rafe. I’d limit all unnecessary interaction with you if I could, but you just...keep following me around.”

Rafe stayed quiet as you turned away and stepped forward.

“Hey, can I get two?” you requested and the girl manning the keg, Kie, laughed as she filled up a red solo cup.

“Geez up for a wild night?” she looked up, half way to handing you your first cup, and stopped short as she noticed who she was talking to.

“More like an ok night,” you told her taking the cup from her and ignoring the look of shock on her face.

“Oh uh...yeah...I totally get you,” she laughed awkwardly and picked up another red solo cup to fill. You rolled your eyes while she wasn’t looking. You didn’t wanna be caught up in whatever beef these two girls had. You were friends with Sarah sure but it’s not like what Kie had allegedly done was that huge of a deal. Not like anyone had actually gotten arrested (Literally. The cops had arrived and had only asked for the noise level to go down). And you knew Kie. She and Sarah had been best friends at the Kook academy your freshman year and you had been acquaintances with both of them. And though their relationship broke abruptly, and Sarah had begun getting closer to you, you didn’t understand the need to ostracize Kie for something that you weren’t sure she even did.

“Uh so how’s that going so far?” Kie questioned glancing at you and you shrugged.

“I mean I’ve been here for a,” you checked your bare wrist, “solid 20 minutes at least and I’m not arrested or dead so it’s alright.”

“For you, 20 minutes seems pretty good,” Kie joked and she paused unsure if she could even joke with you like this. It was common knowledge that you tended to avoid the Outer Banks and it’s residents as much as you could once no longer tied down to school. Yet as you only chuckled and agreed, Kie smiled, tucking some lose hair behind her ear, “I like your outfit by the way. Not very beach practical, but still very cute.”

“Am I ever beach practical,” you responded and Kie laughed as she nodded in agreement.

“That’s true.”

As Kie reached out to hand you your second cup, a larger hand snatched it up. The lighthearted atmosphere immediately dropped to a tense one as the two of you looked up in unison.

“Oh shit thanks Kiara,” Rafe laughed and you and Kie both shot him a glare.

“Don’t call me Kiara,” Kie hissed and Rafe only shrugged, smirking smugly.

“I think I’ll call a rat whatever I want,” he spit and Kie looked down at the sand in dejection as you frowned at Rafe.

“What the fuck Rafe, are you serious?”

“Hey, I just call out it how it is,” Rafe shrugged.

“I’m not a rat, kook,” Kie’s jaw was clenched in anger.

“Just leave dude,” you told Rafe, “You’re literally being an asshole for nothing.”

“Are you seriously defending her (Y/N)?” Rafe turned to you and you squared up in front of him despite his obvious height advantage. You wouldn’t let someone like Rafe Cameron intimidate you, “I thought you were friends with my sister?”

“And this is any of your business how?” you questioned and Rafe shoulders straightened up in an obvious feeling of defensiveness. Kie’s eyes were wide in shock as she glanced between you and Rafe. Something she definitely didn’t expect was one of Sarah’s closest friends coming to defend her against Sarah’s brother. But you had always been different from the other Kooks and Kie should’ve never underestimated that aspect of you.

“Hey you got an issue or something Kook!?” a voice called out and Kie watched as JJ, with John B and Pope following after him, made their way through the crowd of people. Rafe looked at them over your head but you didn’t even glance away.

“This isn’t your issue Pogues. It’s not always about you,” Rafe huffed and you tilted your head.

“Oh and it’s about you, Rafe?” you questioned and the attention turned back to you. Your necklaces jingled as you adjusted your footing, “Of course it is right? Why else would you be hanging around a bunch of teenagers?”

“You need to watch what you say next,” Rafe breathed, a hostile smile on his face.

“You’re an adult Rafe...and you subject yourself to hanging around people three years younger than you because you have no other way of maintaining your bullshit superiority,” you spoke in a low tone, eager to get under Rafe’s nerves and Rafe’s nerves only, “Oh...sorry if those words were too big for you,” you smiled up at him as your audience chuckled at Rafe’s expense.

From the side the four Pogues watched the interaction go down with wide eyes. They had barely acknowledged the Kooks who had pushed their way to the front of the scene and Sarah, Topper, and Kelce watched the two of you with anticipation. Rafe’s jaw clenched before he licked his lips and smiled that predatory smile of his, he leaned in close to you and you didn’t make a single attempt at back down or away from him.

“Yeah I’m real sure you didn’t think that when I was fucking you on my family’s boat the other night,” he said and a glance to the side indicated that the closest people, that being Kie and her Pogue friends, had heard him. You huffed as you tried to keep your cool.

“Y’know what Rafe? Maybe I would’ve actually enjoyed you fucking me...if you weren’t so far up your dad’s ass-” You gasped in unison with the crowd’s sudden yelling as Rafe threw his cup-drink and all- onto your entire front.

“OOOH SHIT!”

“What the fuck Rafe!?”

“Rafe stop it!”

Topper was quick to pull back Rafe as JJ and John B rushed to step in front of you. You panted heavily as Pope and Kie pulled you back and away from where a fight was very likely going to happen.

You sputtered at the sudden beer that had gone up your nose and you brought a hand up to try and wipe it off of your face, your make up likely ruined beyond repair at this point.

“You are such a pussy Rafe!” JJ yelled and Rafe let out a roar of anger as he broke out of Topper’s grip and shoved at JJ. John B shoved him back and return and soon enough the first punch was thrown. The crowd jeered at them in excitement, cheering them on as Topper, John B, JJ, and Rafe pummeled one another.

“Hey hey hey, are you ok?” Kie questioned you in a haste and you huffed as you wiped at your face once more, slicking your wet hair back.

“Fine-I’m fine! It’s literally...beer and a plastic cup,” you told her to try and stop her from fretting. If she was anything like Sarah...You shook your head and tried to gently push away Pope’s hands as you turned to watch the fight go down. The Kooks seemed to have gotten the upper hand so far and though you cringed you weren’t too surprised. Rafe was a pretty big guy, bigger than John B at least, and Topper seemed to hop onto JJ when the other blonde was already down.

“I think you should be more worried about your friends,” you pointed out and Kie and Pope whipped their heads up to watch their friends fight a losing battle.

“Shit!” Pope hissed.

“Dammit,” Kie breathed, “Get the hell off of them!” she yelled fruitlessly.

“Should I call the cops or something?” you questioned and Pope and Kie stared at you with wide eyes.

“What?! No!” Pope yelled and you put your arms up in defense.

“Ok jeez relax,” you chastised and Pope shrugged, embarrassed. The three of you watched the fight for only a moment longer before you cursed and rushed into the midst of it.

“(Y/N)?!”

“Jesus what is she doing?!-”

“(Y/N) stop!”

A flurry of voices called out to you as jumped onto Toppers back and tried to get him off of JJ. Topper struggled against you, clearly disoriented and agitated.

“Get-” Topper pulled your arms from around his shoulders and you yelped as he shoved you off. You landed harshly on the sand but quickly scrambled to get back up. If you learned anything from skating, it was get the fuck up as soon as you could and pretend shit didn’t hurt.

“What the fuck are you doing (Y/N)!?” Topper yelled at you and you shoved him back to the general direction of where you figured Kelce and Sarah were as JJ tried to get himself together and Rafe and John B grappled with one another.

“Stop Topper,” you told him firmly before you turned, keeping your hand on Topper’s chest, “Rafe! Quit it, for fuck’s sake!”

JJ had gotten up at this point and was quick to shove Rafe off of John B and into the sand. John B staggered to stand up straight and you winced at the bruises already forming on his face. The two pogues stumbled back and away from Rafe and the Kooks, leaving you in the middle of their standoff.

“Alright, party’s over! Get the hell off our side!” JJ yelled and there was a murmur within the crowd as they began to disperse. Pogues and Kooks sneered at one another as they walked off toward their cars and Tourons only shrugged off the events of the night, clearly not looped into the deeper conflict of the island.

“C’mon (Y/N),” Rafe spit blood out onto the sand as Topper, Kelce, and Sarah stood behind him.

“Fuck you Rafe” you retorted, crossing your arms. You looked past him to Sarah and the girl only furrowed her brows, unsure of what you wanted her to do.

“Why don’t you just leave her alone Cameron?” JJ moved to stand beside you and everyone, including you, looked at JJ in surprise. John B raised a brow at his best friend but moved forward to stand by your other side as Rafe ground his teeth. The tall male ran a hand through his slicked back hair, pushing into a messy look that you’d usually be all over, but you couldn’t stand him right now.

“Fine, if you wanna stay here with these dirty Pogues, than be my fucking guest,” Rafe huffed and you only shrugged, unbothered.

“Better than being around you right now.”

“(Y/N)...” Sarah called and you looked at her. Her eyebrows were furrowed in distress and you couldn’t help the pang of guilt that shot through you for a moment but you stood your ground, “C’mon...please?”

“Sarah I love you but I didn’t even wanna come here tonight, let alone hang around your psycho brother. I’m not leaving with you guys,” you concluded, before you reached down to take your shoes off, “I’m just gonna fuckin’ walk.”

You ignored the calls of your name as you walked away from the boneyard and out onto the street. You didn’t really care that your socks were probably super dirty now, or that it was starting to get cold and you were drenched in beer. Alright...well you did kind of care that you were drenched and smelled like beer. You pulled your phone out and sighed at the message from your parents telling you that they’d be staying in your grandparent’s home in the mainland.

All your friends were on the mainland. Aside from Sarah. And maybe Scarlet but you really didn’t wanna deal with her right now.

The sound of a car pulling up beside you made you roll your eyes.

“Leave me alone please,” you told them, not even sparing whoever it was a glance as you continued walking.

“Not happening princess.”

You turned to look at JJ and the Pogues in surprise.

“Kie?” you questioned pausing in your trek. Their van followed as John B pressed on the breaks.

“Hey (Y/N),” Kie was leaning out the window of the passengers seat, her eyebrows furrowed in worry, “Let us take you home?”

“I really don’t-”

“C’mon (Y/L/N), it’s freezing and your dripping beer. Just get in the Twinkie,” JJ pulled the van door open even further, motioning for you to get in. It was kind of them, really it was. But JJ’s tone had irritated you and your hardheadedness so you only crossed your arms, your shoes dangling from the tips of your fingers.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because we....are offering you warmth and transportation?” JJ sassed.

“JJ. Shut up,” Pope slapped JJ’s chest and the blonde shot him an offended look. Kie rolled her eyes at them and opened the passengers side, stepping out of the car and walking up to you. She hugged herself, a bit insecure as she stood a few feet from you.

“I just..really wanna thank you. For defending me against Rafe,” Kie started, “And uh...I feel like I’ve always kind of judged you just cus you became Sarah’s friend after what happened between me and her, but you’re really cool...and you didn’t have to defend me, but you did.”

You shrugged.

“Doesn’t take much to be a good person,” you answered and Kie nodded.

“Yeah...um but..I just feel bad...that you got caught in the middle of that when you didn’t have to. So please let us take you home? I’m not even trying to...return the favor or anything...it’s just the right thing to do for someone who's always been cool with me...”

You pursed your lips and bit your cheek as Kie looked at you pleadingly.

“You are so corny...” you murmured and Kie only chuckled as she led you over to the van. She slid the door closed behind you as you made your way over to a vacant spot.

“Hey there,” JJ greeted with a grin and Pope waved at you awkwardly.

“Not gonna happen Maybank,” you told him bluntly and his grin dropped.

“Ohoshit,” Pope coughed and Kie snorted as John B shook his head, shifting the gears and driving off toward the other side of the island.

“Wha-hey you never know,” JJ teased and you chuckled.

“Hmm, the rebellious surfer boy isn’t really my type JJ. Sorry.”

“Really? What’s your type then?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” you smirked, crossed your legs and leaning back against your seat.

“I would like to know actually, that’s why I asked,” JJ quipped and you laughed.

“Ok fine...My type is Heyward here,” you nodded toward the boy and he straightened up in surprise. Pope’s mouth dropped and he floundered for a moment, pointing to himself.

“Pope?! Really?” JJ yelped as Pope smacked him upside the head.

“Screw you JJ,” Pope hissed, though there wasn’t any true animosity in it.

“Yeah I mean Pope’s really cute. Aside from Pope I’d also say Kie but I didn’t want you getting too excited.”

Pope flushed at the compliment and JJ’s eyes widened as he looked over to Kie. The girl turned to look over her shoulder in shock. She turned back to face the front, her cheeks warm, and a smile on her face as John B chuckled from the driver’s seat.

“Sorry bubba but I’d pick Pope too,” John B said and JJ made an offended noise.

“Hey!”

Your group laughed and you couldn’t help but sink into the comfortable and fun atmosphere that came with being with these Pogues. Perhaps you should’ve tried to give them a chance before.

“Oh shit uh where do you live again?” John B asked.

no part 2 sorry :/

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ofpeachez · 4 years

Photo

task 001: character introduction.

(admin tangerine, 21, est) ☼ who’s that hottie, standing outside the love hotel? it’s VERONICA LOMBARDI, a BISEXUAL CISFEMALE, who looks a lot like LEA MICHELE! NIKKI’s insta bio says SHE is an INFLUENCER and is looking for a fun time this summer. SHE is into DADDY/MOMMY KINK & GROUP SEX, but not into SCAT & BLOOD PLAY. by the way, SHE reminds me of TIGHT YOGA PANTS & COLORFUL SUNSETS.

quick infos:

full name: veronica eleanor rosemary lombardi

dob: august 23rd 1988 (she’ll turn 31 this year)

pob: las vegas, nevada.

kinks: daddy***/mommy kink, mild roughness, group sex, public sex, receiving oral (eat her out good and she’ll marry you... too soon) although she enjoys giving oral to girls and/or strap-ons/dildos, mutual masturbation, nipple play, hair pulling squirting, spanking, consensual somnophilia.

anti kinks: blood play, wax play, electric stimulation, bondage, very rough sex, scat, foot play, humiliation & extreme anal (fingering and butt plugs are fine, but there will be very rare anal sex).

3 favorite things: dancing naked at 2am to some electronic music or old rock songs, italian gelato (she’d give you a handjob for a raspberry gelato) & puppies videos on instagram.

3 things she hates: spiders or bugs of any sorts (excluding spider man or ant man or black widow wink wink), people who lack of respect & compassion, bad hair days.

+2 positive traits: easygoing & compassionate

-2 negative traits: gullible & jealous

wanted connections:

TAKEN BY LINCOLN LEWIS & HIGHLY WANTED! ex-husband: idk where i’m going with this, but i have a feeling this would be so interesting if he’d come back to the hotel and they’d reconnect after a few years of being apart and not speaking. bonus points for high sexual tension and cute stuff! suggested fcs: chris hemsworth, jamie dornan, tom hiddleston, john stamos, nick jonas or darren criss.

daddy and/or mommy: just that “caring, loving but also can please all your needs” vibe. spoiler alert, she won’t be the mommy, she’s too much of a sub for that (usually). keanu reeves, bradley cooper, jeremy renner, joel kinnaman / natalie dormer, amy adams, jessica chastain, priyanka chopra, gal gadot, olivia munn, anna hathaway.

TAKEN BY GABRIELLA PEREZ femme fatale: just a woman, preferably younger whom nikki just can’t resist. someone with dominant tendencies. or someone around her age too! suggested fcs: dianna agron, ana de armas, margot robbie, gal gadot.

friends with benefits: GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS no suggested fcs, i just want girls.

sexual tension: it says it all. all fcs!

headcanons

childhood + teenage years:

only child of a loving family of restaurant owners, veronica inherited the best conditions to become a typical italian girl from a just as typical italian family. she was loved by her parents, she loved them. she learned to cook at a very young age and had a noticeable talent. she was the preppy girl from the picture perfect family. she had a dog, alfredo, that she rescued from the streets and who became her only friend for most of her childhood.

in high school, she bonded with a pair of twin siblings who came from a completely different background. from what she knew, their parents were big gamblers and lost most of their savings in casino nights. these people had that edge and gave that down to earth vibe nikki admired yet could not completely comprehend. they were a dynamic trio that balanced one another perfectly. jack (npc) was a total artist who encouraged nikki to express herself, valerie (npc) was very analytical and had a talent at reading through nikki while nikki herself was that sweet figure who was easy to please and could easily please everyone.

when they graduated, valerie confessed she had no idea what she would be doing with her future with no money at all. they were sitting in nikki’s family restaurant and drinking beer in cask with nostalgia and a part of sadness. jack had big plans, he found an apartment in san francisco and wanted to become a graphic designer. nikki, however, was torn between taking over the family business or making a living of her own. that was when valerie drunkenly suggested to work at one of the newly opened strip clubs nearby their neighborhood.

so she did.

twenties:

she turned 18 when she realized she had lost so many years to living in a mold she no longer fit in. she was more than just preppy church outfits and cooking sundays with her mother, she was more than a daddy’s girl who washed tables when the restaurant was closed. what did adults always say? a good education promised a good future, so, veronica applied to the college of southern nevada for a degree in communications with a minor in women’s studies. she had no idea where she was heading, but it was a start.

her parents contributed by driving from class to home every day, they paid her more adult looking clothing and they finally gave her the freedom she never knew she needed until she reached majority.

although jack disappeared from her life, valerie remained very present. they did as they agreed and found a job at a high end strip club in vegas. they made good money instantly without having to do nasty stuff nikki had never been introduced to. within a few months, they saved enough to get matching tattoos, new jewelry and pay for valerie’s apartment. the club provided a living area a few blocks away, but valerie felt better living on her own. nikki tried to mingle and fit in with the other girls, but they were too different. maybe it was the education, maybe it was the background, but the trashy side of this job did not interest the italian girl more than that.

veronica worked as a stripper during college until she graduated with a degree that would soon become irrelevant and useless. with contribution from her parents who never even judged her for her job (it was true nikki did tell them it was just a dancing studio) and with her savings, veronica moved out of nevada and headed to california. she found a small place and joined a community business that organized all kinds of social and sport activities. she became a pro at all yoga, zumba, meditation and dancing activities. she loved to work with the kids, the families and the older people who were just searching for a fun time.

while she was working there, nikki started to get active on social media. she would most dance choreographies to massive songs, making hundreds of thousands of views on youtube. she liked the attention she was getting, but she still preferred her real job the most.

mid-twenties

so she met someone. randomly. they hooked up with no after thoughts, then hooked up again and again and again... it felt like love to them. everything escalated so quickly, but it felt like she was finally meeting her parents’ expectations so nikki went with it. LINCOLN proposed only a couple of months in the relationship, and they got married soon after that. he was smart, attractive, perfect, almost too good to be true. she never thought she would deserve someone like him. they lived together, and their love became very intense. marriage was not about dealing with every issues by fucking all over the place. she loved it, of course, but something was off between them. maybe they were falling out of love, maybe they did not take the time to evaluate their future together, maybe they were not made to be together. or maybe they were, just not at that moment.

they divorced a couple of years later like a couple who noticed they were better off as friends, the thing was they did not remain friends and decided to live life on their own. there was no fighting, plate throwing on the ground, ugly crying and couch sleeping. there were just goodbye kisses and passionate love making for the last time, or so they believed.

after divorce, she decided to quit her job and focused entirely on social medias.

now:

she has been an influencer and youtuber for the past 2-3 years. she posts about cooking, relaxing, fashion, and does a ton of vlogs.

she loves the sun, the vibes and the people of los angeles.

she also decided to open her own yoga and lifestyle studio, where she teaches for all ages and all kinds of people. from yoga to the basics of dancing, she loved to be surrounded with people. her well-developped flexibility from dancing served her beautifully. she hired other instructors but still runs the business while focusing on her instagram, which has 900 000 followers.

she has been divorced for the same amount of time without being able to quite erase LINCOLN from her mind. the truth is she never really dated or hooked up for the fun of it. she focused on work and on discovering new hobbies.

she heard about the love hotel through her friend, valerie, who joked about this being exactly what newly divorced nikki needed as a way to spice up her life. on a just as drunken night as the one that brought them to work as strippers, nikki called and reserved a room. it is taking her completely out of her comfort zone, but she has a feeling that this is for the best.

headcanons:

she is more of a receiver than a giver. she rarely decides to take the lead unless she really wants to or feel comfortable with the other person. she crushes and gets attracted very easily but nothing leads to serious relationships. she enjoys threesomes and being the center of attention in them. she is very comfortable in her body and would walk around naked all the time if it was socially accepted, so she does not mind having an audience too much.

outside of kinky stuff, she’s a romantic at heart. she LOVES to be treated with kindness and to be treated like a princess. she is also willing to do that for her partner, because if marriage taught her one thing, it’s that it takes two to tango. nikki’s at a point in her life when she wants to meet new people and have fun. she had plenty of it when she was stripping and dancing, but being rushed into marriage kind of made her lose herself into a world she was not completely ready to enter back then.

she volunteers at animal shelters and helps playing and socializing pets. she has a few scars here and there of times when it did not go that well with an animal. chances are she might be distracted at all times if she sees a cute puppy or kitty.

her instagram and youtube are filled with dancing videos, cooking videos, song covers, general vlogs and thirst traps. there’s a reason she got so famous from doing almost nothing at all and said reason is her perfect peach butt she just loves to show off.

she’s italian so yeah she’s all about sharing and loving and eating pasta all the time because that is her own definition of a dolce vita. she is kinda close to her parents, but their relationship became a bit rocky when a) she moved out and b) ended her perfect marriage and broke the traditional dream of building a family of her own before she hit thirty.

#lvhtl.intros #about ☼ biography #lvhtl.tasks

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temporaryforeversfanfic · 6 years

Text

Chapter 30

Queen

This was our second child but this was my first time really experiencing motherhood like this. Shai’s biological mother gave her up to Shad when she was little over a month old and I came back in the picture when she was almost four months so I missed those first few bonding months but the bond was still there of course. “Mommy can I hold the baby? Daddy said after lunch I can hold my baby!”

“Of course you can baby.” I smiled, picking her up to put her on me lap before reaching over to pick up SJ. She was so excited to be holding him. “Isn’t he the cutest?” Her smile quickly turned into a frown. “What’s wrong baby?”

“I thought you said I was the cutest!” I assured her that they were both the cutest to me but that wasn’t good enough for her. “I don’t wanna hold the stupid ugly baby anymore!” She tried throwing him but luckily I was really the one holding him the entire time.

“Shai, what the hell has gotten into you?!” I yelled, causing SJ to cry and Shad to run in the rooms asking what’s wrong. Shai started crying on cue as soon as she saw her father. He tried to pick her up but I was not having it. “Put her down now, she tried to throw my damn baby!”

“I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding babe. Right Shai?” She nodded her head with a smile on her face and that sent me completely through the roof. SJ was now calm, allowing me to put him in his crib and deal with his bratty older sister.

“Come with me Shai. I’m taking away all your toys and limiting your TV time to one hour a day for the next week.” She began weeping again. “No ma’am not this time! You know what you did and I know what you did, so go to your room don’t come out until I say so!” I took her out of Shad’s arms then guided her in the direction of her room, making sure she made it there.

“A little harsh don’t you think” I looked at Shad like he was crazy. “She was so excited to hold him, I doubt she’d try to do anything to her him.”

“Well she did! She called him a stupid ugly baby then tried to throw him on the floor!” I was so mad at Shai right now, I couldn’t even think straight. “And then she decides to lie about it once you come around!”

I don’t know what was Shai’s issue but we needed to get her straighten out.

Leeyah

Tonight was the night of my fashion line’s launch. I’ve been so busy making sure everything was perfect for the fashion show and after party, I barely had any time to spend with my family. “ I can’t wait until tonight is finally over.” I huffed, looking over at my husband whom was making funny faces in the mirror. “I really miss spending time with you and the twins.”

“I know babe.” He came over to me and started rubbing my belly. “Once tonight is over, we’ll go on that trip we been promising the kids. You know your daughter loves her some Minnie Mouse.” We promised them we’d take them to Disney World months ago but then life got just slightly a little more crazy for the Brown crew. “Plus with the new baby come, we might never get another chance to do this.”

“You’re right, this is the perfect time to bring them. I’m not too big yet and we did make a promise.” Our conversation was cut short by my assistant coming in to tell us it was showtime. “Okay babe, I’ll see you in a few.” I pecked Chris lips then got up to get this show on a road.

***

It was after party time and everybody that was anybody came out to celebrate me. The fashion show went off without a hitch and I was over the moon with excitement. “We have to make a toast!” Q declared before waving for a waiter to bring over some champagne. “Did you guys know that this was my first office outing since having SJ?”

“Me too!” Maya chimed in. “We are so happy for you Lee, seriously. This is a huge deal and we wish you all the success.” All three of us shared a group hung.

“Thank you guys so much. I know it was hard leaving your little babies at home but thank you for coming support me. I really do love y’all bitches!” Before we could get another word out, the music cut off.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen.” My husband stood on stage in front of our guest. “I just want to say a few words about my wife tonight; whom I am very proud of by the way.” Hearing him call me his wife still gave me a bubbly feeling. “When I first met my wife, many many years ago, she was this quiet girl that refused to talk to me.” The crowd began to laugh. “No seriously, all of our friends can vouch for me on that one!”

“He ain’t lying!” Shad spoke out.

“See? I told y’all!” Chris laughed along with the crowd. “Now here we are today, married. It took us a long time to get here. It took me a lot up fuck ups to get here but I don’t regret it. Those life lessons made us what we are today.” I smiled at the special attention I was receiving from my husband. “I say all this to say that Leeyah Brown, you are my everything. You’re my best friend and I am so incredibly proud of the woman you are today. You supported me when I couldn’t even support myself. You believed in me when I’d lost all faith in myself. So here’s to my beautiful wife, the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”

After that speech, there wasn’t a dry eye in the building, including mine. I mouthed a ‘thank you’ to him while he was still on the stage. Expecting him to meet me half way, I made my way over to the stage. “Before I let you guys go tonight, I would almost like to sing a song for y’all, if that’s okay.” Of course everyone yell for him to sing. “This is a song I wrote about my wife after we had our very first fight.

What the hell babe, Damn I ain't never felt this way Somebody, somebody, tell me I don't have a clue what to do When it comes to you Baby, you're so beautiful Every time I see you girl, it throw me off It's so unusual For me to be waiting But I don't want to blow it girl, But you should know this girl

I’ve heard Chris singing this song a hundred times but I never knew it was about me.

I'm not gonna be the one to mess this up Cause I done effed up in love before, I'ma be the one to take a back seat girl We can take our time and you can run this, Stay in, go out, Anything you want girl, we can do Girl are we going down, I don't know, But from here now baby I'm gone leave that up to you, I'ma leave it up to you

My husband definitely had a way with words.

Chris

I’ve been trying my hardest to contain myself all night at the Leelee’s clothing launch party. The way the dress she wore hugged her curves did something to me on a spiritual level, I just can’t explain it. Now we were home; alone, and I could finally do all the things I fantasized about all night. “What are you staring at Christopher?” She asked, snapping me out of my trance. I took that has my cue to get up from the bed and grab her by the waist.

“I’m looking at you. Is it a problem?” She couldn’t help but smirk at my smart response. “And what if I said there was a problem?” She said with that same devilish grin on her face.

“You tryna start something Mr. Brown?” Before I could answer, she pushed me on the bed with one swift motion. “You’re always the one in control, it’s my turn.”

She went over to the lights and dimmed it to set the mood. “You think you can handle that?” I knew taunting her would only make her more determined to see her plans through.

Making her way back over to me, she crawled over my y’all frame seductively, never breaking eye contact. She started at my neck, planting soft sweet kissing from my ear to my collar bone, making sure to add in a few nibbles here and there. As my hands roamed her body, I thought about how beautiful my wife is. She was almost three months along but you couldn’t really tell. She looked that good. She kissed all down my body until get got to my dick.

“Woah!” I stopped her. “You don’t have to do that babe.” I’m a man, of course I enjoyed getting my some head every once in a while but Leeyah was my wife now and I’d hate for her to fell like I was trying to disrespect her. “It’s my turn anyhow.”

Before she could protest, I gently flipped her over. Planting kisses down her body, I didn’t stop until I reached her spot. Soft moans slipped from her lips as I took my time making sure no spot went untouched. Her legs began to shake uncontrollably, that’s how I knew it was ready to cum. Before she could, she pushed me over so that I was on my back. Climbing on top, she positioned her body on top of mine, allowing me to enter.

“Shit!” We moaned together. She began bounce up and down, grinding her hips in perfect motion. Moments later we came together. She was knocked out before I could even leave to clean myself off.

***

I woke up around ten the next morning for my eleven o’clock meeting with my team. Leeyah was still sleep so I just let her be.

“We have a really wonderful offer for you Mr. Brown. I think you and Mrs. Brown will be very excited about this.” That sort of peaked my interest a bit so I nodded for them to continue. “Essence Magazine wants to do a special on the Brown family.

“Wow. That’s major!” I was truly in awe. I knew my family something like this would come up eventually but it was still a surprise. “I’ll talk things over with my wife to see how she feels about it. I’m sure she’d be excited, I know I am!”

I couldn’t wait to get back home and tell Leeyah about this.

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type-a-nomad · 6 years

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ah, to be young. Alternative Title: sometimes I’m a little crazy but only when there are no consequences whatsoever.

It’s March 23 and I don’t understand how the world is turning so fast that the days are just spinning by. The thing that’s really drawing my attention to the days passing is that Tim is leaving very soon. For me, he is kind of the person that sets the energy for this place. He has been here longer than almost anyone and it shows. He works as a kind of center for people. A role model. An example of the kind of person who volunteers at SAVE. He was supposed to leave in a couple weeks, but things changed a bit and he decided to leave early to go visit friends in Germany on his way home. It’s going to be a very sad goodbye, especially because the end of his stay here came as a bit of a surprise. In terms of interesting things that have happened in the last few days, there haven't been that many. We have had a lot of issues here with protests and riots in the townships that shut down our projects because it’s either too dangerous for us to be there or too dangerous to get the kids in and out. It means I’ve had a lot of free time because project has been cancelled for two days already and could possibly be continued next week if the pattern of rioting continues. Generally, what happens is there is a protest because of lack of resources and lack of understanding between the government and the people in the township. Then, during the riots, people drink a lot. The next day everyone is still drunk and the destruction continues. The following day there are no protests, but the day after people start drinking again and the whole thing repeats itself.

One thing I’m very tired of here is drama and gossip. I’m in house 22 and it is getting so bad and generally stressful for me that I want to ask to be moved just so i don't have to think about that energy anymore. The current issue has to do with Danni (again). Basically, she was drunk on a beach and got in a fight with another drunk girl who went and told Robyn and Shannon that she feels threatened and now it’s a whole drama and Danni wants to leave the program and is a perpetually dangerous move. She’s honestly a bully and it scares me to deal with her because she has no problem being mean to people. Usually, bullies root their anger in their own insecurities and lash out at people because it makes them feel better about themselves. Danni isn't this way. She’s confident and sure of herself and doesn’t attack people for no reason, she just is amazingly aggressive if you push her buttons. And, she has a lot of buttons. She has very long toes, they’re easy to step on. I’m scared of her, especially because a lot of my friends live in Dunbar and she has been obviously irritated and cold to me since I’ve been hanging out with her “group” less and less. I have no problem standing up for other people’s rights and morals, but when it comes to person situations for me, I avoid confrontation at all costs. Confrontation stresses me out and, even if the person in question doesn’t actually matter to me in any other situation, my brain has a real problem with thinking that people are upset with me. I am tired of this feeling like middle school and I have an entire 3 weeks left, so I am just going to walk over to reception and say my problem and hopefully they transfer me (fingers crossed super hard). The people I actually like are at Dunbar anyways. The only downside to Dunbar is that the wifi is horrible, but who cares. I didn't come to Africa for good wifi. Excluding that negative energy, I had a really really nice weekend. I spent most of my time eating and dancing. On Friday, I went to Big Bay and sat around on the beach with a smoothie with my friends. The water was absolutely freezing and I loved it. That night, we went out dancing and I had a fantastic time. One thing I notice whenever I’m in public and music is playing is how obnoxiously bad pop music has become. On one hand, there’s a brilliance to it. People have found a formula that you can follow perfectly and get your song on the radio. Further, they’re figured out that people don’t mind if all of your songs sound the same and only have about 20 repeating lyrics in them. On the other hand, I have to listen to the shît these people are making and it drives me crazy. The pop music industry rakes in millions of dollars a year. There are actually talented artists that this money could be going to who give a shît about their composition and hooks and time signature and have actually done their research and turned on their brain before stepping up to a microphone. In my eyes, it’s incredibly insulting that people listen to Selena Gomez or over people who make their own beats and have original thoughts that they then turn into music that actually sounds good and complex, even if you don’t understand the lyrics (e.g. Shoos Off, Kyle Bent, the Roots, Bleachers, Soccer Mommy, Mos Def, Samuel Larson, M.I.A, Abhi the Nomad, BROCKHAMPTON, just to name a few). That being said, I can dance to anything that remotely resembles “music” if I really want to. After we all got back, I sat with my friend Lucy in the kitchen drinking tea until 5am. I felt like such a *youth*. We talked about life and why we came to South Africa. I think I came here to travel and do good, but mainly to isolate myself from the familiar. I wanted to see if I could find calm within myself and balance that with the ambition I already access easily. It’s easy to feel calm and satisfied with where you are and stay there. It’s hard to stay calm while still learning and improving. That was the goal. I think, with every day that passes, I get closer to realizing that goal. I am becoming more sure of myself and my capabilities. Further, my values are clarifying. I am passionate about fighting for people who are in situations that make it very hard for them to have a voice. That is to say, if you are poor African-American in Oakland, being an activist and arguing with people about causes like Black Lives Matter is most likely not the first on your list of priorities. Safety and security are first. If you feel like even law enforcement is a threat to you, why the hell would you have time to try and improve that situation— you’re just looking to survive it. I think it’s too much to ask those people who are focusing on survival to try and make their general situation better on top of fighting their personal battle, whether emotional or physical, every day. There are incredible people out there who are doing both, and that blows my mind. Moreover, because I don’t have to go through a situation with that intensity, I think there is a certain responsibility that comes with, entirely by chance, being born into a situation as comfortable as mine. That responsibility is to fight for and help those who were, entirely by chance, born into a less comfortable situation. I will fight tooth and nail for those people. I feel deeply that it’s my duty, because my own shît is generally taken care of. I get to go to University and study something I love. I feel comfortable calling 911 for help. I get to marry somebody I love without worrying about the legal and social consequences. I can kiss my boyfriend in public without others being offended and grossed out by my display of affection. I don’t have to think about my race and how it affects my life. I can open my fridge and choose something I want to eat from multiple options of food. This brings me to another point: the privilege of diversity. Until I started living alone, I didn't realize how luxurious variety is. To have enough wiggle room in your life that you can do different things every weekend or night. To have enough wiggle room in your bank account that you can buy two different kinds of bread and cereals at the supermarket without worrying about wasting food I can’t afford to. When I live on my own, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day. When I go back home to Berkeley, I get to choose whether I want granola or Honey Nut Cheerios, and that blows my mind. When I go back home, Honey Nut Cheerios encapsulate luxury for me, and that’s not something I will ever fail to appreciate ever again. On Saturday, I was functioning on 3 hours of sleep and my body went into full survival mode. It was brilliant because I felt 100% fine, sort of how people who are about to die supposedly feel right after a car crash. Like I had a pole shoved through my abdomen, but was walking around and saying that everything is peachy keen, because it felt that way. I was invited by my new friends Leis and Tanya (both super cool girls who live at Dunbar, unfortunately Leis leaves at the end of the week) to go to the Old Biscuit Mill. Because I felt totally fine, I pulled on some clothes and went. I had the best steak sandwich of my entire life and it was fantastic. Even though it was 11am and I had gotten no sleep, I still got my favorite watermelon mojito. To justify this to myself I kept in mind that they put very little alcohol in it, it’s my favorite drink in the whole world, and it’s only sold on Saturdays (when the Mill is open) in Cape Town, South Africa. Might as well capitalize on the opportunity. After a few hours the other girls were super tired, even though I felt great, we decided it was time to go home. Before we called the uber to go back, I asked if we could stop in this artsy jewelry shop that looked really cool. When we were poking around in the store, we noticed they did piercings there. I asked if I could get some new piercings, but the woman who was working at the register said she needed to get her boss to com in for that and that would take at least an hour and a half. Now that I was in the piercing mindset, I turned to my friends and told them about a piercing studio in the city center that I had heard about. For some reason, this really appealed to a group of absolutely exhausted 20-year-old women. We got into the uber and went straight there.

Today, was Sunday. I hiked a mountain up to a cave on the other side of Table Mountain called Elephant’s Eye. It overlooks the Cape Flats, which is gang land and the crime and murder rates are off of the charts. It was absolutely gorgeous. The walk up and down were a bit treacherous because it is way less popular than other tourist-y hiking spots, so it’s not as well groomed and the rocks have sand everywhere around them so everything is very slippery. After the hike, I went into Muizenberg, which is like the cool surfer cousin in the family of the Cape Flats. I had an amazing burger with lots of cheese on it, fries, and a chai latte. After I had fully started my food coma, I took an uber home and started writing exactly what you’re reading now. For dinner, I went over to Dunbar to get takeout with my friends because I’m super exhausted from the bad vibes in house 22. It’s to the point where I genuinely don’t want Danni to be in the room when I get home.

While I was hanging out at Dunbar, Tim turned to me and said “I have some bad news”. Immediately I panicked, because the last time he had “bad news” he told me he was leaving over a month earlier than expected. Also, whenever there is “bad news”, I get a feeling that I’m about to get in trouble. I get kinda nervous and say “alright what’s up”, and then he has the NERVE to say “I’ll tell you later”. I’m sorry EXCUSE ME?? Why the hell would you tell me that I don’t get to hear bad news NOW. I was irritated to say the least. I might do yoga, but patience still is not a particularly strong aspect of my personality. When he finally tells me, it turns out he was messing with me the entire time. The news was that he extended his flight and is now leaving on April 9th (my baby sister’s birthday!!!!). This was the best thing that I had heard all day and I did a happy dance for several minutes. Things are getting complex here, but I think that’s natural when you start living somewhere— the more you engage the more details and complicated things get. I can handle it.

things I need to work on:

not eating so poorly ALL THE TIME. I really need to teach myself that ramen and grilled cheese is not sufficient for breakfast and lunch. learn more kids’ names. plan a road trip get back to doing yoga every morning and just getting more exercise in general.

things i’ve been doing well:

enjoying life here going to the beach lots creating space in my mind. planning for university and this summer when I have time

- Q

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parabcllums · 4 years

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⧼ zoe kravitz, non binary, she & they & he / that bitch by bea miller + bruised and broken knuckles from another righteous fight and a sore throat and hoarse voice from speaking your mind a little too loudly. kissing your daughter goodnight and softly closing her bedroom door, waiting until she’s deeply asleep before you break out the margarita mix. large shirts that didn’t always belong to you over simple bralettes, ever tangled sheets atop the mattress on your bedroom floor and a default response to criticism being an impassioned middle finger. ⧽ ━━ let me tell you a thing or two about MAKENA RENÉE THURMAN. the TWENTY EIGHT year old child of NEENA THURMAN & NATHAN SUMMERS ( LOKI ) is a BOOKING AGENT & ACCOUNTANT FOR KARMA CLUB in town, and has sometimes been referred to as THE PHILOPHOBE. they’ve always seemed very INTUITIVE & STAUNCH, though i’ve heard that they can be pretty IRASCIBLE & INSCRUTABLE, too. it’s common knowledge that they have the powers of TYCHOKINESIS & LATENT TELEKINESIS ; guess we shouldn’t get on their bad side, huh? you can check out her stat page HERE.

she was BEAUTIFUL in the way a ( forest fire ) was beautiful: something to be admired from a DISTANCE, not up CLOSE.

SECTION ONE OF THREE: BULLET POINT HISTORY trigger warning for talk of car crashes, alcohol, drugs and pregnancy

MAKENA RENÉE THURMAN. she was born by c section at 4:23 am on august 20th, 1992, for all intents and purposes the daughter born of the love shared between neena thurman and nathan summers - only the FAMILY ever REALLY knowing that in truth, she was something of their blessing, moreso than she was a MIRACLE. the techno-organic virus that infected nathan meant it was unlikely, if not flatout impossible, for he and neena to ever have a child of their own. they made the decision to go the route of sperm donation after all attempts ended the exact same way, and little makena was the result.

the truth of their circumstances was not a secret they felt was appropriate to hide from their daughters curious mind. even young, she had QUESTIONS, and to their credit, they gave her ANSWERS. the first time she asked she was four, and the question amounted to “why [she didn’t] have a younger brother or sister yet”. she LOVED hope - squealed with childish excitement every time her older sister so much as APPEARED around a corner, held onto every word she said, followed her everywhere that she went, had to be patted down for weapons every time she left. but she wanted to be a BIG sister, she said, sullenly, and nathan didn’t hesitate in explaining. MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. WE ALWAYS HAVE. AND WE WANTED YOU SO MUCH THAT WE FOUND A WAY TO HAVE YOU, EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T EASY. AND MAYBE SOMEDAY, WE’LL FIND A WAY TO GIVE YOU A YOUNGER BROTHER OR SISTER, TOO.

the next time the subject was broached, she was ten, and it was by her mother. neena sat her down to have the talk about the birds and the bees and after a previous nights discussion, had decided, with nathan, that it was time for makena to know DETAILS. she threw them in at the end. THAT’S WHAT DAD MEANT, WHEN HE SAID WE FOUND A WAY TO HAVE YOU. MY EGG, AND SOMEONE ELSE’S SPERM. YOU AREN’T HIS, BIOLOGICALLY, BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF OUR DAUGHTER.

and it was true. it ALWAYS had been. in spite of the fact that she was not born belonging to them both by blood, neena and nathan were HER PARENTS, mostly for better, and sometimes for worse. she grew up safe in the knowledge that she was LOVED beyond comprehension, and was allowed all the space that she needed, to grow and develop into a young woman who knew her own mind, first and foremost. they took in turns being the strict voice of reason, but MOSTLY, so long as she wasn’t taking the mickey, makena was allowed to make MISTAKES and learn from them. neither blew up, the first time they were called for her causing trouble in class and having to be removed. they sat her down to discuss WHY, and they worked to resolve her issues - which at the time, were to do with girls that wouldn’t BE NICE, and a teacher that refused to DISCIPLINE them. when she was scared to go to the doctors, they asked her WHY, and when she said it was because she didn’t like their USUAL, they simply changed. they made sure that makena was comfortable in expressing her thoughts and feelings, and ensured that she never thought twice about doing so. when she wanted to try a cigarette, she didn’t resort to joining friends behind the bike sheds, but simply asked whether she could. likewise, when she wanted to go ALL THE WAY with her first boyfriend, she told her mum and neena ensured the house was EMPTY - and after the breakup was there to stroke her hair and tell her that boys were rarely worth it. they were GOOD parents.

it was a double edged sword. neena and nathan taught makena to be INDEPENDENT, and this was a lesson they considered most important - because BOTH were aware that they wouldn’t ALWAYS be around. they were GOOD parents, but they also DIDN’T discipline her when it was seriously NEEDED, and they weren’t always such a steady presence in her life. sometimes, nathan would disappear into the timestream for weeks at a time, leaving her with neena. sometimes neena would take a job that required her to be gone for months, leaving her alone with nathan. sometimes BOTH had responsibilities to their teams that required them to leave TOGETHER, and though they entrusted makena to the care of xavier’s, she had been given too much freedom by them for too long to accept rules and regulations that came with living under those roofs. she caused TROUBLE. she got herself into STICKY SITUATIONS. makena had always been a girl too quick to react, and too willing to use her FISTS. they returned once to find that she had been literally locked in her room just hours before for everyone’s protection bar her own. they returned another time to discover that in their absence, she had run away from xavier’s a pro brotherhood rally - a trend that would continue for YEARS. neena and nathan operated often in shades of grey. the world was not black and white, and neither was their outlook upon it. makena took after THEM, more than they could have imagined.

she was ANGRY. she was resentful to her parents for leaving her BEHIND, and she found herself filling with rage each time she turned on the tv to see more and more people like her, like her family, like the POWERED individuals she could relate to, being prosecuted for being DIFFERENT. she acted out, because that was the logical next step - and in the process, she became the pain in her parents backsides. they were GOOD. but they were also all too quick to believe that makena could handle these long stints alone WELL. it was only when they started seeing her in the background of news reports and started receiving calls from xavier’sl for some new stunt she had pulled - such as the time she hung a crude “charles xavier, eat my ass” banner from the front of the school, or the time she turned all the ‘x’s’ on their uniforms into criss crossed dicks with sharpie - that they started to see one of their biggest parenting faults.

and then a phone call came that wasn’t about makena’s antics. and it scared them - it REALLY scared them, more than they’ve ever been able to SAY. she was YOUNGER than most of the group, on that fateful night. she had always gravitated towards the OLDER KIDS, always found herself getting along with them much BETTER. one had stolen a car from the garage, and they were all laughing and talking and singing along to music that was playing FAR TOO LOUD and they weren’t really focusing on the road, which they SHOULD HAVE BEEN, because it was ICY, and because the fog was impossible. they drove off the side of the road. the car fell into the water, below. it broke through the layer of ice, shattering the windows enough that the ice cold water begun to spray in, and makena went into SHOCK. she doesn’t remember what happened. just the water. how she ended up with a lungful. how it was dark and unrelenting and she thought, THE WHOLE TIME, that she was ALREADY dead. she remembers the burn of her throat as she had thrown up the water that had been stealing her lifes breath away, and she remembers the fog clearing and the stars above her in the sky, and then after that, she doesn’t remember anything until she woke in the hospital with her mother and father sat on either side, grasping one hand each and PROMISING not to leave.

they kept the promise. for a WHILE, at least. a few months. and they were more strict with her, too. wouldn’t let her out without knowing where the end destination was and who she was going with. wouldn’t take her back answering even LESS so than usual. but they slipped up, eventually. when she was BETTER, when she had been for a WHILE, they started to ease themselves back into work - one would leave, then the other. and then, when both had to start leaving AT THE SAME TIME… well, the only LOGICAL way around fully breaking the promise they had made was to take her with them.

they had moved around a lot, when makena was younger. they had spent months living in different cities across the states, sometimes across the world - they ALWAYS came back home. now, it seemed as if they never WOULD. she was constantly shuttled between whoever had the most free time to spend with her, their time together as a family growing less and less. they said they kept her with them, said they kept moving her from school to school and place to place because they LOVED her and wanted to keep an EYE on her, but RESENTMENT grew in her heart, unbidden. she loved to be cultured, don’t get me wrong, loved to see the sights and experience what the WORLD had to offer - but she would have given anything to stand STILL, something she had never really realized she liked doing ‘til she couldn’t.

so she rebelled. she did what she was learning she was GOOD at. soon enough, she wasn’t leaving schools behind because they were upping sticks once again, but because she was getting FORCIBLY removed. she would sneak out of whatever house or apartment or studio flat they had for the time being, fake id in hand, and she would join friends that she wouldn’t have a week later at the seediest nightclubs they could find. her parents or parent, however it was set up for a time, would return home to discover that she hadn’t returned from school that day and instead chose to head to a rally. worse: more than once, they had come home to discover that makena had RUN AWAY, joining whichever group would TAKE her. her time on the streets was often short lived, but the girl who had always used her fists to solve her problems learnt, over time, an ART OF SURVIVAL. she had always been taught to be independent. she learnt, now, how to be STRONG.

and then she was eighteen. and she realized, as the first rally that she had attended since her birthday dissolved into a maddening sort of VIOLENCE, that her parents weren’t going to come and GET her, anymore. it wasn’t their JOB. she was an ADULT. she had to make ADULT choices, and when she returned home that night, battered and bruised, she informed them that she was LEAVING.

and to everyone’s SURPRISE, it wasn’t to join those insurgents that existed, out in the world. it wasn’t to become an EXTREMIST. makena decided, ON HER OWN, that she wanted to get an education - a steady, stable education, one that she wouldn’t have to always be running to catch up on. she found a little place of her own, she got herself settled, she started attending paragon academy - and she, to NO ONE’S surprise, kept up her regular ANTICS on the side. one grown up decision does not a grown up make, and makena couldn’t shake habits of her past. she was selfish, and reactive, and she had great difficulty in keeping herself in check - and with a pretty SEVERE partying habit also on the board, it goes without saying she got herself into quite a bit of trouble. she lost almost every job she held, in college, because she was FIRED - not because she WALKED, like she so often claims. she got suspended TWICE for brawling and for indecent exposure ( it was a dare ), respectively. she got kicked out of her first ever shared flat because she and her roommate had a disagreement that there was no going back from. and she, terrible as it sounds, loved every second of it. she loved to be free. she loved to do what SHE wanted. no longer living a life on whatever whim her parents had, they were able to once again develop a CLOSE relationship, and once again, felt comfortable in allowing her to make the mistakes she needed to make, and learn from them.

and then came her ex. her father might have said, at one point, that he was the biggest mistake his daughter ever made - and when ANGRY at him, she might have agreed. but the truth is, he came into kena’s life at a time when she didn’t really know she NEEDED someone, and he taught her… so much about herself. after her one SERIOUS relationship ended, kena had settled into a life of casual dating, because it fit who she WAS, or at least, who she has always presented herself as - a free spirited, free talking, wild hearted woman. and it was CASUAL with him, at least for a long while, but then came so much more love than she had ever thought she’d feel, and SO MUCH heartbreak, too. she should have known way back when that it was BECAUSE she loved him so much that it always hurt so bad, when they ARGUED - if their explosive conflicts could even be called so, sometimes. neither were perfect. neither was the relationship. but they always came back to one another.

and then - THEN came ZARA. she wasn’t a part of the PLAN that kena had for her life, not in the least. and when she thinks back to the day that she finally bought the test that her friend had been insisting on FOR DAYS, she remembers how she had sat on the bathroom floor, eyes tightly shut and her fingers crossed PAINFULLY, wishing and hoping and even PRAYING that what she knew was TRUE wasn’t - and she feels ASHAMED. she hadn’t wanted a baby. had never really thought of herself as cut from the cloth of mothers, and felt like she had too much left in life to do - too much to achieve, too much to see, too much to drink - before she could COMMIT to such a thing. she went through all the motions, she sat through the appointments, she grinned her way through the first scan, but she was SCARED and in her mind, ALONE. and then she felt a kick. just ONE. the baby had moved before - she’d felt it fluttering at times and thought how real it all was, and how out of her depth SHE was - but she was sitting on the couch one evening, watching the real housewives, and she had shouted something rude at the tv, and where her hand had been resting atop her so far, so small belly, she felt a tiny kick. and everything changed. EVERY SINGLE THING. it was like the world had shifted on its axis, and makena asked the bump she’d felt no real connection to, to ‘do it again’ and it DID, and once upon a time, she’d thought that she wouldn’t love anything more than she had loved HIM, but god, how wrong she had been. how STUPID, and how small minded, to ever think that ANYTHING would matter more than the little life that was growing INSIDE OF HER.

she promised her bump, every night before she fell asleep, that they would make it WORK. all of them. EVERYTHING. she was just finishing up her degree - she started sending out resumes immediately, to try and secure a job for when zara had come along, and she got LUCKY. the job as BOOKING AGENT, something she had always kind of WANTED, sort of fell into place. and she promised she’d sort herself out. and no matter what - no matter what happened between she and her ex, she knew both of them would do right by their bean.

zara thurman came into the world, and makena’s WHOLE LIFE changed. her lifestyle slowed down, big time. she settled into her nine to 10 jobs. her relationship with her boyfriend came to one, seemingly FINAL end. and she kept her PROMISE. they made it WORK. she learnt, quickly, she didn’t need to hit a club every night to be CONTENT - because staying home to read zara a book was just as THRILLING. she didn’t need to drink so much she couldn’t remember or take little pills that were offered at the bar, because getting home in one piece was a PRIORITY, now. she didn’t have to BRAWL. not as much, anyway. fight club came in handy, for a woman who had always found the answer laying on the other side of her fists. her job was satisfying, at least one of them. and she and her ex - they still had their MANY differences and disagreements, but they weren’t so BAD at the co-parenting thing, if makena said so herself.

things CHANGED. she learnt, fairly quickly, that change wasn’t a BAD thing.

SECTION TWO OF THREE: HEADCANONS

owns a two year old polish lowland sheepdog that she named “mr clean” because, and only because, he reminded her of a mop the first time that she ever saw him. insists that she adopted him from the pound with that name already ingrained in his memory and often will say she “tried to change his name, but he wasn’t having it”. is lying. loves him more than life itself, weird name and all.

tychokinesis ; the ability to manipulate probability, causing unlikely things to happen or likely things not to happen. like her mother before her, makena is something of a lady luck - however, her power manifested AFTER the car accident that could have easily claimed her life, and… she doesn’t really know about it. SOMETIMES, when she’s ANGRY, things will move. she’s always known she possesses a level of telekinesis. but she knows very little about her ability to manipulate probability, little enough that she doesn’t really know she HAS that power, and hasn’t really honed it.

SECTION THREE OF THREE: WANTED CONNECTIONS

xaviers kids she grew up w !

exes cos she has ... so many. room for ONE srs high school sweetheart !

the father of her child , the love of her young life ! im putting a connect on the main lates but .. its imp

hope summers !

hr main ride n die. oldest friend. was there whn she found out abt being pregnant n whatnot

members of FIGHT CLUB !

ppl she hired for the karma klub. any char in a band welcome

current flings ! she’s tryna work thru any residual feelings towards her ex and casually dates a LOT, but she never gets as far as introducing them to zara.

ppl she still parties with

the ADULTHOOD SUX SQUAD !

ex housemate who absolutely fuckin hates her for completely valid reasons

#sidekick.intro #⌜ ･ﾟ ⸰ ･ * you’re the kind of disaster that they wrote the epics for ― biography. ⌟ / thurman.#that's the bitch ! we lov the bitch !

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puckjoey-blog · 5 years

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Character Information

Full Name. Joelle “Joey” Sivan Puckerman.

Age & Birthday. 27 | June 12th.

Gender Identity. Cisfemale.

Preferred Pronouns. She/her.

Romantic Orientation. Bisexual.

Sexual Orientation. Biromantic.

Hometown. Lemon Grove, Florida.

Neighborhood. Cozy Cove Trailer Park, Lot #1.

Family Information

Mother. Joy Young.

Father. Elijah Puckerman.

Siblings. Maternal Siblings | Jake Puckerman and Sibling #2. (Ages TBD); Paternal Half-Siblings | Noah Puckerman and Half-Sibling #2. (Ages TBD)

Pets. Glamour (Maine Coon)

Other Family Members of Importance. Nicole Young (maternal grandmother)

Please describe your character’s family dynamics. Joey’s family was far from normal. She had siblings on her mother and father’s side. Joey is considered a mommy’s girl. Joey likes to pretend that she’s so annoyed by her family but she loves them more than anything. She’d risk her life for them all. Unless it’s her father. She isn’t a big fan of him.

Personality Information

Positive Traits. clever, levelheaded, honest, loyal, empathetic.

Negative Traits. dependent, rude, vain, intimidating, envious.

Star Sign. Gemini.

Likes. Dancing, hair care, Pinterest, jewelry, traveling.

Dislikes. Loud music, her father, being called short, meat, rude teenagers.

Pet Peeves. People touching her hair.

Most Embarrassing Memory. Joey accidentally sent some very provocative photos to a large group chat in high school. She didn’t hear the end of it for a year.

Hobbies. Dancing, collecting candles, yoga, exercising.

Guilty Pleasure. Drinking pickle juice.

Unusual Talents. Joey can move her ears.

Habits. Chewing her tongue and overeating when she’s stressed.

Occupation/Schooling Information

Occupation. Dance Coach.

Place of Work. Orchard Park High.

Character Development

Joey has years and years of anger built up inside of her which is why she’s so mean all the time. In the future, I hope she learns how to deal with problems in ways that don’t make others cry. She’s taking her problems out on everyone instead of trying to better herself.

If you look up “daddy issues” online, you’ll probably see Joey. She’s always been attracted to older men who like to take care of her. She never calls them her boyfriend because they weren’t. They weren’t her sugar daddies either. They were simply friends who liked to spoil her. Friends she’d have sex with from time to time. I would like for her to date in her age group and stop seeking attention from older men.

I want Joey to make a difference in her dance team’s lives. They look up to her and I wish Joey would really mentor them instead of being strictly about dance. She has the power to motivate her team but she’s been focused on making sure they’re in tip top shape. Being all ‘kumbaya’ with them wasn’t something she was particularly interested in. It might take awhile but I believe she could alter their lives for the better.

Other. I wish Joey would be more open to having a relationship with her father or at least try to talk to him about why he was such a horrible father to him. She keeps pushing him away when she could probably have the dad she’s always wanted. Her stubbornness makes it to hard to tell.

Character Biography

Joey was convinced that her life was meant to be a whirlwind, a hurricane, or even a tornado. Joey’s mother had an affair with some man that calls himself her father. The only thing that made him her ‘father’ was the fact that they shared blood. She had never met him and wanted to keep it that way. If he couldn’t stay around to help raise the kids that he made, she didn’t need him. He could go with his other family for all she cared. Her mother, Joy, was more than enough. Joey would swear up and down that she hated her father but she couldn’t help but think about how different life would be if he was in her life. She missed out on father-daughter dances and other priceless moments that she could never get. How irresponsible could one be? Elijah Puckerman had the nerve to have all of these kids but not even stick around to raise them. Joy was Joey’s entire world. She depended on her mother a lot, maybe too much at times. Not having a father figure made her cling to her mother more than the average child. She cooked, clean and even washed Joelle’s clothes. She was definitely spoiled.

Sassy and classy was the way Joey liked to present herself. Some might say she was more than sassy and just downright bitchy but she never paid them any mind. Those were just the people who were butt hurt over her honest opinions. If they couldn’t handle the heat then they could step out of the kitchen. Even if she was “bitchy”, she was bitchy rightfully so. From having daddy problems and living in a trailer park her whole life, Joey had a lot to be angry about. Everyone would feel how bitter she felt about her life. It may be hard to believe but Joey does have some appealing qualities. Caring for others that she wasn’t related to was almost impossible but once you earned Joey’s respect and trust, she’d love you forever. Her loyalty runs deep and even though she’s mostly out for herself, she does know how to have compassion for others. Joey is actually quite sensitive but it’s something that she’d never admit. She had a huge heart but hid it from the world. No one deserved her in their life. They’d probably just leave. Just like Elijah.

Dance was a big part of Joey’s life. There wasn’t much to do in Lemon Grove so she entertained herself. Dance was a form of expression and she had a lot to express. It kept her active so that was a big plus too. Joey was a great dancer. She had won competitions and she even had a full ride to one of her dream schools. She thought that her life was finally turning around. Her life came tumbling down when she injured her knee during a practice. Joey was positive that this was the end of her life. The offer from the school was no longer on the table due to the severity of her injury. Paying out of pocket definitely wasn’t an option since some days her mother could barely put food on the table. Unfortunately, Joey was forced to go to Orchard Park Community College. Attending OPCC crushed her especially since she was so close to her dreams that she could almost touch it. This put Joey in an even deeper funk.

Her knee healed eventually but she couldn’t move like she could before. Her whole body felt different when she danced. Joey wasn’t as fluid as she was the years before. Sure she could dance but it just wasn’t the same. Eventually, Joey had come to terms that she would never dance the way she could years prior. She could teach others how to dance like her though. Joey landed a job as a dance coach at Orchard Park High easily. She hated her job (or more so where her job was) but she just had to deal with what life gave her. Teaching her dance team was one of the only things that made her happy. She was beyond tough on her team but she just wanted them to be better than her. If she couldn’t get out of Lemon Grove she at least wanted them to. Joey was only getting older and she was constantly searching for a greater purpose in life. Was being a dance coach as good as it was going to get? Would fooling around with older (married) men be her life? Would she ever be happy? These questions popped through her head throughout the days and it was obvious that it was weighing on her heavily. Joey’s father also decided to randomly appear in her life recently. Saying that he “missed out on her life and regretted it.” She could smell bullcrap from a mile of way and he was no different. A big part of Joey wondered how their relationship could be but she was torn between hating him and learning to love him. They’ve met up a few times and she almost considered inviting him to her place but decided against it. If he wanted to mend their relationship, he’d have to drop the booze and try harder.

#cchq:apply

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myjackiejackie01 · 7 years

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‘Thwarted’ Chapter 55 Review

@perrydowning I finished this at work and I just can’t right now I HOPE YOU’RE PROUD OF YOURSELF *narrows eyes*

Goodness me, so much has happened in this chapter! I have so much going on in my head right now.

Right.... where to start. Let’s start with Kes.

My poor baby Kes. I can understand where she’s coming from. Now that she has her memories back, she can’t just forgive and forget so easily what Kylo did to her. She was already terrified of him to begin with, and to find out that he had shuffled through her mind on multiple occasions and had her essentially spy and break the confidence of the only friend she has, it’s no wonder she is traumatized by the experience. And not only that, he actually hurt her; he didn’t intend to, but he knew she was hurting and still kept going. She needs time to heal and I totally get it. It just sucks that she needs time away from Rey. But I also think it has nothing to do with Rey but more with Kylo; where Rey is, Kylo isn’t far behind. She can’t really be around Rey when Kylo is sure to show up (which I’ll coin some thoughts onto later). I’m sure she didn’t mean to make it out like she has an issue with Rey. Kylo’s at fault Kes is traumatized in the first place, not her. *sigh* I’ll miss her though. Kylo really burned the bridge to that friendship with his piss-poor decisions, though. However, things can be rebuilt, and with time his friendship with Kes can be salvaged.

Now, speaking of Natan, that is an incredible shocker and game changer and I so didn’t see it coming. Natan Ren was the one that healed Rey with the Force?! *insert dramatic soap opera music* I can’t believe it! Now I have so many questions: first off, why? I mean, it’s probably obvious as to why. Kylo was acting completely insane and he thought it logical to try and heal Rey to get him to come back fully to his senses. But I have so many others. Like how skilled with the Force is Natan to be able to use Force-healing? Just how capable (or powerful) is Natan, really? And how has he been able to hide those capabilities from Kylo, undoubtedly the most powerful Force-user alive? And now I’m curious and wondering if he was the one feeding information to the Esharan radical group? Or maybe just coincidence. Or not. Or maybe you’e trying to trick me and it actually is?! Aaargh I’m not sure. He also left really quickly, so that puts his motives into question, as well. Where did he went run off to? Why’d he run off if he healed Rey? He saved her! .... but one could also say, if he was able to use Force-healing all along, why didn’t he say anything and do it sooner? So many questions and I need answers, Perry! You must tell me!! *begs on hands and knees*

Bravo to Lann Tren. I never thought I’d say that, but here I am. She’s doing the best option possible for Rey as a mother and that’s to be out of her life. She’s trouble and she knows it and she doesn’t want to taint Rey. And she’s right. Leia is the best mother Rey’s every had.

I’m really glad he actually openly apologized to Hux, as he’s important to Vitok/Shree and he obviously cares very much about her. How very grown up of him. I also snorted at how Hux was obviously too lovey-dovey to take his interrogation with Vitok too seriously. Poor love struck sap.

Also, I believe Wylan’s encounter with Kylo probably fixed his little “I’m gonna one-up you and try and steal yo girl” complex he had. Kylo probably instilled the wrath of the gods in that beating and I’m sure he won’t be a problem again... unless Kylo wants a permanent solution and decided to shoot him out of the airlock. I hope the later. Totally not cool that he tried to force himself on Rey, BUT he did get the beating of a lifetime before Rey, ever the loving woman who doesn’t want to see more violence, stepped in.

Speaking of Kylo, onto our beloved Space Cupcakes.

I’m really in love where this chapter went in terms of where Rey and Kylo and their relationship is headed... the big IT. And what “It” could that be?! No, not that terrifying clown from King’s books. Nope. The reality bomb Kylo is about to get from Rey about his delusional and overall insane train of thought.

It’s an absolute pleasure to read Thwarted!Kylo, because he clearly has fucking eyes in his skull yet cannot properly see what’s in front of him. If he were a logical being, he would have figured out waaaaaaaay long before that his actions have negatively effected Rey and would’ve set about fixing them. He would realize that Rey’s ever loving Light is diminishing and she’s growing to love/loathe him and take a step back and re-self-evaluate because maybe, just maybe his actions are the problem. Unfortunately, Kylo is none of these things. He’s not logical. He’s kind of (pretty much IS, actually) insane, especially when it comes to his love for Rey. It’s really a shame he took a few steps forward only to take several flights of steps back this chapter. It’s coming to the boiling point of where all of his actions that lead to what’s coming are going to come back up and hit him with the force of a semi-truck. Kylo has an amazing ability, and that’s to shove anything rational and logical down and not have to think about it. He’s pretty much blind to the fact that Rey is miserable now that she realizes the reality of her situation and instead of doing self-evaluating, he’s trying to fix it with other solutions except one where he realizes he’s actually the problem and source of her unhappiness. She may love him, but she also realizes she can’t ever leave him and hates him for it and he’s completely oblivious to the fact. Rey is right. Kylo absolutely gets what he wants, sometimes not in the ways he wants, but ultimately, he does, but at the cost of others and, especially when it comes to Rey, can’t even realize that. He’s the source of both her happiness and unhappiness and I can’t wait to see him get punched with all the Realness I’m sure Rey is gonna drop on him. And now Rey. Poor Rey.

Poor Rey is reaching what I believe the end of her rope. No doubt it’ll all come out once she finds out about Leia, but she’s definitely right at the cusp of having a huge blowout about how she’s really feeling. She’s had a lot on her plate, but now she’s (almost) losing one of the few friends she has on the Finalizer because of Kylo’s actions, Kylo’s irrational violent jealousy and constant freak-outs of mistrust and suspicion and just overall the dark truth about her relationship. The price she paid for love - as you put it in your comment, brilliantly - has had a very high price. She paid for it with her integrity and morals and blinded herself to some ugly truths, but now she can’t ignore it and the reality of it all is too much. She’s absolutely right. She’s given Kylo literally everything; her love, her freedom, her body, everything that she is. It’s not a bad thing, per say.... had the circumstances of their relationship been different. At the end of the day, though, Kylo is very much in charge and is her jailer. He takes and takes and takes and it’s never enough. When she gives him an inch, he takes a mile and she realizes that now. It’s not wrong that they fell in love, but the foundations that love has been built on is a false one.

And then of course, the elephant in the room of this chapter. Oh god, you’ve killed me with that last bit, Perry. Leia Organa - the face of the Resistance and the Mommy of all Mommies - DECEASED?! And just when Kylo is actually considering possibly having some kind of relationship with his mother again?! Just burn my heart, why don’t you! BUT I refuse to believe it. Leia is smarter than that. She wouldn’t just go to the First Order, even when they promised a cease fire. I’m sure if they put out a red carpet with a spotlight and a song number of “Be Our Guest”, she still wouldn’t show up. I’m going on the popular vote that she is still alive... and cuz I may just know a secret ;)

I do think Jehan’s days are officially up. I don’t see her coming back after doing the most unspeakable thing she could ever have done. She dun fucked up. *waves in funeral clothing*

But still. WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR 56 TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON AAAARGH. Perry, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US ON A CLIFFHANGER LIKE THAT?! You’re worse than Marvel with their end-credits scenes that hint at their future films to come. You leave me to WAIT and I cannot. You weren’t holding anything back this chapter, Perry. But that’s what I love about you and your writing! You can have me swooning one minute, crying the next or beating my pillow in frustration. You bring an onslaught on emotions. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Happy writing!!

#thwarted #perrydowning #reylo #fic updates #story reviews

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tosybelle-blog · 7 years

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By and Hay’s Excellent Adventure--Part V

By the time Hay woke up and joined us, sleepily rubbing her eyes, it was nearly five. While they were out, Jordan had stopped at the teen club and discovered they opened at six. We decided that, since it was still raining, we should go that night.

Vanessa jumped up and dragged Hay into the other room to start the long process of making themselves look exactly like they looked when they left the room. (I’ve never understood why it takes girls quite that long to get ready.) Adam turned on the television again and he and Jordan settled in to watch a crappy old action movie. I looked at my brothers and Jeff. “Not that I’m going to change yet, but what exactly do you wear to a club?”

Jeff was getting ready to take a shower. “The same thing you’d wear to a dance at school.”

“Yeah, but what do you wear to a school dance?”

Jeff looked up from his duffel, grinning, ready to make a joke. Then he saw my face. “Are you serious? You’ve never gone to a dance?”

I shook my head. “Not since middle school, when we all went in packs and everyone wore jeans and t-shirts.”

Jeff stared. “Your school must have had some casual dances. Why didn’t you and Hay just go one time, as friends?”

I bent over my suitcase and didn’t answer that. Adam looked up from the television. “Not really his scene,” he said.

Jeff continued to look at me. I didn’t look up from digging through my clothes but I felt myself blush. “Loud music. Crowds,” I said, as if that explained it all.

“You’re going to be in hell tonight, aren’t you?”

***

Jeff came back out from the shower, hair still dripping, a tiny, thin motel towel wrapped around his middle. I had given up on my clothes—what the hell did it matter what I looked like, anyway—and was trying to remember a magic trick an uncle of mine had once taught me to perform with a deck of cards when Jeff walked, essentially naked, across my field of vision. I out and out stared, but luckily, Jeff didn’t notice. “Okay, By, show me your clothes, and I’ll dress you for tonight.”

Adam looked over and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe you’d better dress yourself first,” he suggested.

Jeff ignored that and leaned over me to fling open my suitcase. “You basically wear the same thing every day, in different colors,” he observed. What could I say to that? It was true, even if I hadn’t noticed it before. “You must have a black t-shirt in here. Ah!” Jeff exclaimed as he removed a clean black t from the bottom of the suitcase. “Wear that with your cleanest jeans. Forget the shirt over it. You’ll fit right in.”

I tucked the shirt under my pillow. “Thanks,” I mumbled, trying really hard not to make any contact with any part his body. This was difficult, as he was basically breathing over my shoulder. His hips, barely covered, were right behind mine. I urged my body to stay rigidly still, but it was a losing battle.

Jeff straightened up at that moment, thank goodness, and grinned. “Any time, good sir.” He looked over my brothers, still lounging on the other bed. “Either of you two want me to dress you also?”

Jordan didn’t look up. “No, thanks,” he said idly, “I’ve been dressing myself since I was three. Been picking out my own clothes for almost that long, too.” Adam snickered and the two of them high fived. I wasn’t sure if that was a joke at my expense or not, so I ignored it.

Jeff rolled his eyes fondly. “Good to know. I was thinking your mommy packed your suitcase for you.” He grabbed a pair of boxers off the top of his duffel and reclaimed the bathroom.

While he was inside, I took off my shirts and pulled on the t-shirt Jeff had put aside. As I pulled all my jeans together to look at them, Jordan caught what I was doing. “Are you actually going to take his fashion advice?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, so?”

Jordan sat up straight and stared at me. “So, everyone...” He would have continued, but Adam leaned over at that moment and whispered in his ear. Jordan’s face took on an ‘a-ha!’ look for a moment, and he smiled. “Oh, now I get it.”

It was a second before I got it, too. “Adam!” I exclaimed.

Adam played innocent. “What? Was it a secret?”

I chose a pair of jeans and threw them down on the bed. “Get a billboard, why don’t you?” I grumbled.

“Naw. I prefer to tell people in person. It means I get to see you be horrified over and over again.” He smiled to let me know he was teasing, but went on anyway. “Jordan, go get Haley. I need to tell her, too.”

“She already knows,” I threw out, without thinking.

“Vanessa? How about the check-in clerk?” I took a playful swing at him, purposely missing by a mile.

Jordan was more serious about the whole thing. “Well, why don’t you just tell Jeff already?” he said in a low voice, despite the hair dryer whirring in the bathroom, mindful that the walls were not exactly soundproof.

I blanched. “What purpose would that serve?”

The blow dryer stopped, and he inched toward me and began whispering. Adam came closer, also, so he could hear. “Dude. The guy was just all over you.” He shook his head, despairing of me. “I thought you were gay, not stupid.”

“You must have imagined that.”

Adam shook his head. “Nope, I saw it too. There’s only one reason a naked guy climbs all over you, and that’s because he’s into you. Explains a lot.” He picked up a can of soda and drank from it. “Like the issues he had with his ex.”

I was going to reply to that when the bathroom door opened. Jeff stepped out, neatly dressed in dark jeans and a bright yellow t-shirt, his hair blown dry and carefully styled. “Bathroom’s free!” he called cheerfully, oblivious to the conspiring going on in the room.

I jumped up and grabbed my jeans. “I’ll just be a moment,” I said, grateful to be free of that conversation.

***

I’ve discovered that I like to bury my head in the sand and pretend things don’t exist. For a couple of years, that’s how I treated my sexuality. And then when I finally admitted to myself that I had to be gay, I didn’t tell another living soul for about another four years. And I only did that because Hay told me that I was ‘transparent.’ Otherwise, I probably would have played straight at home until the day I fell in love and had to come out. There are probably hundreds of other examples too.

The teen club was pretty much exactly what I’d expected. There was a bar serving soda and juice and water, and a couple tables where small groups could sit and rest while they drank or ate crappy, overpriced food. There was a disco ball and strobe lights and black lights, and the music was played by a bored-looking DJ and was far too loud.

The girls had gotten all dressed up and made up for the occasion. Haley was wearing a dress she’d brought along because she’d known about the club for weeks, and a pair of heeled sandals. I realized I’d never seen her wear heels before. Never really had reason to, I guess. Vanessa was wearing Hay’s favorite skirt with a tank top and her favorite Doc Martens. It was a strange combination, but thoroughly Vanessa. She’d gone back to her black eyeliner, though not as thick as usual, and she’d paired her red lipstick with Hay’s lip-gloss.

We’d gotten there right as they opened and were the first ones in. It was a Thursday night, but the guy who took our cover charge told us that the local kids were also having spring break, and the club would probably be packed before too long. And he was right.

Jordan and Adam went straight over and staked out a table, and as soon as I was done staring at everything, I joined them. Jeff snagged a bottle of water right away, while the girls went to talk to the DJ. Within fifteen minutes, all the tables were full and people were actually starting to trickle onto the dance floor. Hay and Vanessa were among the first kids out there, and they were soon surrounded by a huge group of girls, all bouncing along to some song I vaguely recognized but couldn’t even have begun to name.

I watched everyone dancing and stared. There were plenty of people dancing in groups, but pairs were also starting to form. Girls danced with boys, and with other girls, arms wrapped around waists or necks, lost in each other. After a while, more boys were up and dancing. There were even some guy-guy pairs out there, enjoying themselves. While I’d been staring, Adam and Jeff had disappeared into the fray. I couldn’t see Jeff anywhere, but Adam was on the far edge of the dance floor, half dancing, half trying to talk to a couple of girls he’d met.

I glanced over at the other side of the table, where Jordan was still sitting. “No need to babysit me,” I told him, shouting so he could hear me. “I’ll be fine here by myself.”

He shook his head. “I’m going to wait for Haley to come back,” he shouted back. “See if I can maybe get her to dance with me for a while.” Jordan grinned and went back to watching the dance floor—more specifically, watching Hay.

The girls were the first to take a break. Jordan saw them coming and rose to meet them, grabbing Hay gently by the elbow. He whispered in her ear and she nodded; I assumed he was going to get his dance, but instead the two of them went to the bar, where it was a little bit quieter, and he bought her a drink. Vanessa joined me at the table. “You going to sit here all night?” she asked.

I shrugged. “I’ll dance later.” Vanessa shrugged back at me, picked up Jeff’s water bottle, still sitting on the table, and finished it for him.

Just when I thought I was going to have to try to have a shouted conversation with her across the table, a guy at the next table rescued me. “Cool boots,” he called, pointing at Vanessa’s Docs.

She grinned at him and turned around. “Awesome eyebrow ring,” she replied.

And that was that. I was back to being all alone, watching the dance floor. Adam was still dancing with the two girls on the far side, and after a while, Jordan and Hay popped up on the other side. He had his hands on her waist, and she was holding him stiffly around the neck. He said something to her and I saw her laugh and relax. By the next time I did my sweep and came to them, his arms were wrapped around her whole back and she had her head rested on his chest. There wasn’t an inch between the two of them. Good for Hay.

It was then that I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Hey,” a familiar voice said, next to my ear. A head rested on my shoulder. “Come on and dance.” It was Jeff.

I tried to look at him, but he was too close to my face. “I don’t like to dance,” I said.

Jeff dismissed that idea. “Phooey. Everyone likes to dance. You need to expand your horizons more. Try new things. It’s Come on Eileen! Who doesn’t like this song?” Before I knew what was happening, he came around the front of me, grabbed my hand from my lap and pulled me out of my seat.

Once I was up, I let him drag me onto the side of the dance floor. I figured we’d go join Adam and his new friends, but instead he took me to a third corner, about as far away from both Adam and Jordan and Hay as we could get. There were several other guys dancing in that area, but we were further away from the speakers, so it was quieter. The guys—and they were all male—had formed a little group similar to the one Hay and Vanessa had been dancing in earlier. They were bobbing and swaying and not really doing any serious dance moves. I found I could easily copy them and not feel too out of place.

We danced on the edge of the mini mosh pit for the next couple numbers, and then a number of the others stepped off the floor, for drinks or to relax. I found myself alone with Jeff, sweating and thirsty. He put his arm around my shoulder. “Come dance with me,” he said.

I laughed and fanned myself with one hand. “I thought that’s what I was doing.”

“No, you were dancing in a group. I want you to dance with me.”

I don’t know what made me say yes. Maybe it was the heat exhaustion or the fact that everyone around us was pairing up. Or maybe it was the fact that the song was slower. What I do know is, the black lights were reflecting on his eyes, and he looked so sincere and sweet when he asked. And I just wanted to touch him so badly that even dancing there, in front of everyone, sounded like a good idea.

So against some level of better judgment, I buried my head in the sand again. Jeff put his hands on my hips and I reached up and laid my hands flat on his shoulders, stiff and formal, the way the girls back in middle school did. I spent the next few minutes focused on two things: trying to keep a pillow of air between me and Jeff and trying not to step on his toes. When I realized he was just shuffling his feet back and forth, I did the same. My senses were in overdrive; every brush of his skin against mine, or even my clothes, made me tingle. I could smell his hair products mixed with sweat, both his and mine.

I spent so much time worried about what I was doing with my body that I didn’t even enjoy the dance. After a while, Jeff leaned over with a small grin. “Hey, can I get some eye contact here?” he asked. I looked up at him, my heart pounding and my brow furrowed. “What’s the matter?” he asked, moving one hand to my shoulder.

I didn’t answer. At that point, the chorus came on the song again, and without waiting for my response, Jeff moved his hand off my shoulder. He brushed the hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ears, and then ran his fingers down to my chin. I should have seen the kiss coming, but I didn’t. Jeff put his other hand on my back between my shoulder blades, pulling me in, and kissed me gently. I was shocked for a moment, but then instinct took over and I was kissing back. My hands found my way to his hips and the small of his back, pulling him even tighter. But when I finally realized just what was going on, I backed up and released him. “Jeff, what the hell?” I asked, still backing up.

Jeff’s face clouded over and he looked confused. “I thought...” he started, but I didn’t wait for him to finish. I took off, through the dance floor, past the bar and out the door. It had gotten dark while we were in the club, and the street lights were all blazing as I barreled across the street. I kept walking down the sidewalk, toward the car. I don’t know what I was planning on doing, as I didn’t have the car keys or a jacket or anything else to wear over my t-shirt and it was definitely not t-shirt weather.

***

I was about halfway back to the car when I became aware of footsteps closing in on me. Someone was running in my direction. The footsteps slowed to a walk, and Jeff fell into step behind me. I knew it was him but I didn’t look in his direction. Although I was outwardly calm, my brain was in hysterics.

I turned a corner and as I did so, Jeff caught my arm. “I’m sorry,” he called, sounding anguished. “I just thought...” he said again.

I turned to look at him. “You thought what?”

He bit his lip. “I thought you were gay,” he finally said in a small voice.

“I am,” I said, wondering where this was headed.

Jeff looked down at his feet, still holding my arm. “So you just don’t like me then,” he mumbled, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I looked at him and years’ worth of words came tumbling out. “No, that’s not it. You have no idea. I definitely like you. I’ve wanted that kiss for a long time.” I felt a flush creep up on my cheeks, but I was glad to have said it and gotten it out.

Jeff pulled me so I was facing him. “So what’s the problem, then? Why are you so mad at me?”

I exhaled, blowing the hair out of my eyes in the process. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.” He gestured with his free hand, urging me to go on. “See, I’m kinda a late bloomer. A pathetic, gay late bloomer.”

Jeff’s brows knitted together for a moment as he thought that over. Suddenly his eyes lit up and he smiled. “That wasn’t your first kiss, was it?” he asked, sounding amazed.

I tore my arm free from his grip and started walking toward the car again, horribly embarrassed. Jeff caught up to me and walked beside me for a few steps before he spoke again. “Really, your first kiss with a guy?”

“My first kiss ever.” No sense in hiding it now.

Jeff’s face crinkled. “No kidding.” He relaxed a little but kept going. “Well, what was the matter with it? Not grand and romantic enough?” He was mostly kidding, but I could feel a sense of seriousness behind it. It was clear on his face that, if he was my first kiss, he took that very seriously and hoped he—and the kiss—was good enough.

I turned to him again but kept walking. It was too cold to stand in the dark part of the street without moving. “The kiss was amazing. I couldn’t have imagined a better one.” Not that I hadn’t tried over the last few nights. “I just didn’t see it coming. I wasn’t prepared. I felt like I wasn’t ready.”

Jeff laughed. “You can’t plan for everything, By. Some of the best things in life are what you don’t see coming, believe me.” He grabbed my arm again, stopping me in my tracks. His hands were warm on my skin, which was covered in goose bumps. He ran one hand up and down my arm, warming it up and giving me another kind of goose bumps. “See?” I shook my head, about to say more, but he stopped me. “Okay, how about I give you a do over. Ready? I’m about to kiss you now.”

Despite the tension and angst, I laughed. “Jeff,” I began, but he leaned over, undeterred, head tilted to one side. I tilted mine to the other and our lips met, carefully and delicately. He wrapped his arms around me, pinning my arms to my side, but I slowly worked one up his back, running it across from side to side. This kiss was a little longer and quickly became much more intense than the first one. Still, I had to admit, Jeff was right. There was nothing like the surprise of the first one. When he broke the kiss, Jeff stayed where he was and looked at me. I finally opened my eyes and smiled at him.

After a moment he let me go and we started walking again, side by side, my shoulder against his arm. “If it makes you feel any better,” Jeff said, “that was my first kiss with a guy, too.”

I draped my arm around his shoulder, happy to be the one making the first move for once. “Yeah, I was wondering about that,” I commented, “because you talked about being with a girl.”

He leaned over a bit and put his head on top of mine as we walked. I’d walked like that with Hay before, but since she’s shorter than I am, it had always been the other way around. I kinda liked it this way. “Yeah,” he said, his voice little more than a whisper. “Yeah, there have been a couple girls. Only one that I went that far with, but a couple that I dated or messed around with. And don’t get me wrong, I liked them well enough, and there was definitely something going on down in my pants.” He chuckled hollowly as he raised his head. “But I don’t know. I’ve never quite felt like this.”

I needed to hear it. “Like what?”

“Like I needed someone as badly as I needed air.” I turned to look at him, stunned. He smiled, despite the fact that he was now the one angsting. “I know I’m being melodramatic. But this is the first time I’ve been happy in a really long time. And I know getting away from Vista and all the drama and crap there has helped, but it’s more than that. You’re not the first person to just stare at me, but you’re the first one who did in a way that made me just want to run over and jump you.”

“Jump me in a good way or bad way?”

Jeff startled and turned to look me. I smiled wryly, and he knew I was kidding. He grinned back. “Believe me, if we’d been alone on this vacation and I’d known you were gay from the start, I probably would have done this on the first night. Who knows what would have happened by now.”

I put my head on his shoulder and he put his head back on mine. It was much slower going that way, but we were barely moving anyway, kept warm by each other’s body heat. I plugged ahead with the conversation; now that we’d actually starting talking, I was afraid of what would happen if we stopped. “How did you know?” I asked, “About me, I mean.”

“Well, the staring was a big hint,” he said, playfully squeezing my hand on his shoulder, “and then I had this conversation with Haley about you, and she said to give you time to come around. That was after I came in and you were sitting out at the car on the first night. But I was the bathroom in that gas station when you and Jordan were fighting about Haley. Those walls were paper thin. Jordan had already told me how he felt about Haley, so I was ignoring you two, until you started shouting. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you shout before, so I knew it was important.”

We’d reached the car and I considered that for a moment. Jeff tested the door handles and found that, just as we’d thought, the car was locked. “Well, what are we going to do now?” I asked. We couldn’t go back in the club unless we wanted to pay again, since we hadn’t had our hands stamped on the way out—or at least, I hadn’t.

Jeff looked at me over the car, his head cocked to one side. “I have an idea.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me over to a souvenir shop that was open late, probably because it doubled as a bodega or convenience store. Jeff fell into an animated discussion with the clerk, who promptly showed him a thick beach blanket with a waterproof bottom. Jeff bought it and took it back to the car. I laid the blanket on the hood of the car and climbed up onto it, and Jeff sat down on my other side. We pulled the blanket over ourselves but found we barely fit underneath it together. I practically had to sit on Jeff’s lap for the blanket to go over us both. Not that either of us minded.

We sat leaning against the windshield, wrapped up in the blanket and each other’s arms. There were so many other things I wanted to know, needed to understand, but for now, I just wanted to be there, under the Maine sky, with a guy who liked me as much as I liked him. Maybe more.

***

Jeff had stopped and talked to Adam on his way out of the club, so everyone knew we’d left. He had told Adam that we would meet them at the car later, so we simply sat there under the blanket, talking about nothing important. But as the time went by, I started to retract myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the others to see us, exactly. First, I suddenly understood how Hay felt about me accidentally walking in on her and Jordan. This part of a relationship was so tenuous, so delicate, so new, that I wanted to keep it all to myself. You couldn’t even really call it a relationship yet. It wouldn’t even have come as a surprise to just about anyone on the trip, but I still wasn’t ready for them to hear that what they had predicted had actually come to pass. Then there was the one who would actually be surprised. I had to find a way to tell Vanessa in my own way, on my own time.

But I’m not sure Jeff knew what was going on. We could hear footsteps approaching and Adam and Jordan singing “Mmmbop” at the top of their lungs. I only wished I knew what had prompted that—and had a video camera to record them. Instead, I pulled my arm back from around Jeff and scooted over a bit so that we were touching, but not so personally. Friends, not lovers. Jeff saw what I was doing and turned to me, hurt, about to say something. Before he had a chance, Hay saw us and shouted, “Hey, there you two are!”

I jumped down from the car to greet them, leaving Jeff looking wounded behind me. “You guys have fun?” I asked, hugging myself. It had gotten even colder while we’d been under the blanket.

“A little too much,” Hay replied. Her cheeks were rosy from cold and she was visibly shivering. “Why the hell didn’t we bring any jackets?”

For some reason, Vanessa was holding Haley’s purse. “Mind if I get the keys out?” she asked. Vanessa was wearing the least clothing of any of us and she was stamping her feet for warmth. Hay simply waved at her and Vanessa reached into the side pocket, removing the keys. She tossed them to me. “I know the others aren’t drunk, but they’re sure acting like it. You get to drive.”

Jeff was still sitting on the hood. He’d wrapped the blanket around himself completely and was staring at me. I could read his expression clearly—why was I acting like the last few hours hadn’t happened? I smiled at him and reached a hand out. “Join me in the front?” I asked, trying to telepathically get him to understand.

He unrolled himself and jumped down from the hood onto the other side of the car. “No, I’ll sit in back,” he said irritably, not looking at me, dragging his blanket behind him.

Oh, fuck. This wasn’t good. We’d only been on kissing terms for a couple hours and I’d already pissed him off. What the hell was the matter with me? “Oh. Okay.”

Vanessa climbed into the front seat with me and everyone else got in the middle. Adam looked over the seat at Jeff, who was curled up into a ball. He’d thrown the blanket to the far side of the car instead of covering up with it. He raised an eyebrow at him but Jeff didn’t notice. Instead of commenting, like he wanted, Adam got sucked into a squeaky voice contest with Jordan and Hay. Vanessa was right: it really did seem like the three of them were more than a little drunk. But maybe they were just high on life. That’s something I needed a little more of.

When we arrived back at the motel, the girls ran straight inside. I blocked Hay’s door of the car, forcing Jeff to come out the far side behind Adam and Jordan. When he did, I snagged his arm. “Help me with something, okay?” I asked as the other two followed the girls.

Jeff tore his arm away. “I’m going inside.”

“Jeff, wait. Let me explain.”

He’d slammed the door before I even finished talking. I realized I once again was locked outside without a key. I hammered on the door and it was a moment before Adam opened it. He looked at me and I realized my face must be showing exactly how I felt. “What’d you do now?” he asked.

I felt like slamming the door too. Adam was the only one in the room; I could hear Jordan talking to Hay and Vanessa in the girls’ room. Jeff must have been in the bathroom, which meant he could hear everything. I spoke up. “Something wonderful happened and I made an ass of myself as usual. Hopefully I can redeem myself later. Let’s just leave it at that.”

***

A night of sleep, even a crappy one, can make all the difference in terms of perspective. I woke up after a night of tossing and turning with a plan. First, I needed to get Vanessa alone and talk to her. Then I needed to make some sort of grand gesture to Jeff to show him I wasn’t embarrassed of him, or this “thing” we were starting, or whatever he might think. Okay, so it wasn’t a very well thought out or detailed plan, but it was a plan none the less. It gave me purpose.

Jordan was already hogging the bathroom by the time I got up, but I had to pee really badly. I knocked on the door to the girls’ room, desperate for a free bathroom. Hay answered the door in her pajamas, her eyes half open and her hair still messy from sleep. “Bathroom?” she asked. Sometimes it bothers me the way she can read my mind, but not so much this time. I nodded and she opened the door wide. Vanessa was already primped and ready to go, so I ran straight into the bathroom and did my business.

When I came back out, Vanessa was out at the car, digging around for her camera. Hay was sitting on the bed, waiting for me to finish so she could use the bathroom. I came out and sat next to her and started talking before she could jump up. “Hay, you gotta help me.”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “And what can I do for you this time?” she asked.

I lowered my head and ran the hair back out of my eyes and over my forehead before looking back up at her. “I have to come out to Vanessa,” I told her.

Hay lowered one eyebrow and left the other one up. “Have to? Look, By, I know I told you need to be more honest with yourself and others, but that doesn’t mean that you have to let the whole world know by the end of spring break. You seriously can wait until we get back to Stoneybrook and then tell her when the time is right.”

I got up from the bed and paced the room a few times before I replied to that. Hay watched me with concerned eyes. Finally I threw my arms up and turned to her, stopping in my tracks. “No, I really do need to tell her. The sooner, the better.” I took up pacing again.

Hay stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. “Stop it; you’re making me dizzy. Sit down.” She forced me back onto the bed. “What the hell is the matter with you? I’ve never seen you this antsy before. Did something happen last night?”

I turned to look at her. “No. Yes. Something. Nothing. Everything.” I shrugged at her, still confused about it all.

She smiled gently. “I take that as a ‘Yes, but I’m not going to tell you about it.’ I hear ya. Just do me a favor—let me know what’s up before I walk in on the two of you the way you walked in on me, okay?” She squeezed my shoulder and then got up. “My turn in the potty. Listen. Let me think about the Vanessa thing for a while and I’ll get back to you.”

***

We packed up some more sandwiches—all peanut butter this time, as we were out of everything else—and hopped in the car. Haley was bound and determined to walk on a seaside path called Marginal Way, no matter how cold it might be outside. And it was definitely colder than the day before.

Even with the overcast sky and gray ocean waves, the view was gorgeous. Vanessa brought her camera out right away and snapped picture after picture. She made Jordan and Hay pose together in about seventeen different spots—not that they really minded. Hay was obviously getting more comfortable with the idea of a relationship with Jordan. She even let him kiss her in front of the rest of us.

We had already lapped the whole path by lunch, but we’d decided to do it a second time after we ate. Everyone was in a great mood except Jeff. While the rest of us were eating and discussing the present for my parents, which we still hadn’t picked out, Jeff sat at the end of the picnic table. He picked his sandwich apart but didn’t eat it. He let the pieces fall to the ground, crumbled. Whenever someone tried to engage him in conversation, he gave one word answers and said ‘hmmm’ a lot. Eventually, everyone just stopped talking to him altogether, although we all kept stealing glances at him.

When lunch was over, I gathered the garbage and tossed it away. Vanessa even photographed me as I threw a sandwich baggie into the trash can. That was when Hay grabbed the camera from her. “Give me that. It’s time for a picture of you.”

Vanessa lunged for the camera, but Hay tossed it to Jordan, who held it out of Vanessa’s reach. “I don’t want you to take a picture of me,” she whined.

“But you look so great with your new hair and makeup. Don’t you want at least one photo of it before you decide to dye it black again?”

Vanessa thought about that for a moment. “Okay, one photo. Just one. And then I get my camera back.” She sat down on the table of an empty picnic table, the ocean at her back, her hair whipping to the side. Jordan aimed the camera at her and she smiled a small shy smile and looked out away from him. Click. He handed her the camera back and she shoved it in her pocket, looking embarrassed.

As my brothers razzed Vanessa about her romance novel pose and Hay snickered, I took a look at Jeff. He was still sitting on the end of the table where we had eaten, a blank look on his face. Based on the bags under his eyes, he’d slept even worse last night than I had. I worried intensely about the lack of expression. I wasn’t sure if he was half asleep or if he was feeling depressed again.

Adam took a long drink from a nearly empty bottle of cola and then tossed it in the trash can. “Are we ready to move on now?” he asked.

“No, not yet,” Hay was wearing the backpack that day and she slung it back down onto one of the picnic tables. “I have a dare for By first.”

She had my attention, and everyone else’s, too. “What?” I asked, instantly suspicious.

Hay grinned in a way that I really didn’t like. “I dare you to get up on the table and announce your secret to the world.”

I stared at her. “Secret?”

She stared back at me. “You know exactly what I mean. I want you to climb up on that picnic table there,” she pointed, “and make a proclamation to the whole town of Ogunquit.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Is this payback for me making you try out for Grease?” I asked her.

She smirked infuriatingly. “No, this is payback for making me buy that bustier and wear it to school.”

I’d forgotten about that. “Oh, yeah.”

“You have a choice. You can either get up on the table and make your announcement, or I can lord the fact that I am the queen of dares over your head for all of time.”

Well, I only had one option there. I looked at each of my friends standing there: Adam, looking highly amused; Jordan, slightly confused; Vanessa, her head cocked to the side, brow furrowed; Hay, her smirk widened to the point that I suspected it was hurting her face. Even Jeff had looked up, although he was still blank eyed and expressionless.

I steeled my resolve and climbed up on the table top. As I stood there, I saw some joggers come around the corner. If I managed to get the words out of my mouth, it really would be telling the world. Ah, but who cared? Tomorrow, we were heading back home. Joggers hearing my secrets were the least of my concerns. I needed to focus on Jeff. Once we returned to Stoneybrook, he’d be leaving for California. I needed to find a way to get him to forgive me before then. And I thought this was a start.

I found my balance on the table, which was a little bit rickety. I opened my mouth as my face blazed. Everyone was staring at me, even the joggers. “My name is Byron,” I yelled, “and I’m gay!”

I quickly climbed back down before anyone could say anything. Hay gave me a huge hug, but she was laughing. “You sounded like you were at an AA meeting,” she pointed out.

I shrugged at her. “Thanks for your help,” I whispered in her ear as I gave her another hug.

She let me go and smiled. “Any time. What are friends for?”

I looked at Vanessa, who no longer looked concerned, but rather curious. After a moment, a smile grew across her face. “Leave it to you to make such a big fuss over such a non-announcement,” she said with a shake of her head.

“Non-announcement? You mean, you knew?”

Vanessa grinned more. “Nope. I mean that it’s just not a big deal. Who cares, right? I mean, ‘If you were gay, that would be okay.’”

Hay was hugging Jordan when Vanessa said that. “Avenue Q!” she called. She picked up the lyrics there, singing. “‘I mean, ‘cause hey, I’d like you anyway. Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay!’”

I looked back to Vanessa, who was starting to laugh. “You know what?” I asked her. “I’m going to hug you.”

She backed up and shook her head again, looking horrified. “No way. You most certainly are not.”

“Yes, I am. Get back here and let me hug you!” I chased her quite a ways down the path before I cornered her and gave her a big hug with her arms pinned to her side. She screamed bloody murder but it was all for show; when I let her go, she gave me a brief hug back.

Adam had grabbed the camera and snapped a picture of us. “Blackmail!” he sang, holding the camera up. Vanessa snatched it back and glared at him, but you could still see the smile in the corners of her eyes.

Jordan and Haley followed behind him, snickering a little. Jeff was still at the table, expressionless, but he sat up a little bit straighter. Hay turned to him. “Come on, Jeff, you’re missing all the fun!” He got up and moved toward us at an extremely sedate pace. Hay dropped Jordan’s hand and rushed to Jeff, grabbing his hand and dragging him over to the group. “You okay?” she asked him.

He shrugged at her. “I slept like shit last night,” was all he said. He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand and looked at the ground.

Adam looked over at him, concerned. “Did you even sleep at all? I swear that you spent half the night sitting up.” Jeff shrugged again. “Well, let’s keep moving. We’ll tire you out so bad that you’ll have no choice but to sleep tonight.” Adam looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. I couldn’t read his expression exactly, but there was something about it I didn’t like.

***

After we’d walked the path at Marginal Way a second time, Adam suddenly ‘remembered’ again that we’d never bought a gift for Mom and Dad. I think it was an excuse not to walk the same path a third time. The six of us headed back down to the main drag and took a look at the shops. “Let’s split up. We’ll be able to cover more ground.” Jordan was in full dictator mode. “If you see something, make note of it and we’ll all meet back here in an hour to decide on what we’re going to buy. Sound good?”

No one really had a good argument against what Jordan had said, so we all started walking one direction or another. Adam, Jordan and Hay went left, and I ended up going right with Vanessa. Jeff listlessly followed us, not really looking at anything. I didn’t get too worried about him until I saw that. Until that, Jeff had spent the whole trip obsessed with looking into every store. Now, he didn’t even have a smart ass comment to Vanessa trying on every hat in one store, or a life-sized stuffed seagull that sang.

When we exited an antique shop where Vanessa had really liked a birdbath she thought might suit Mom’s garden, I decided I had to do something. The next shop was a semi- punk women’s clothing shop. “I don’t think we need to look in there,” I commented.

Vanessa smiled. “I’m going to go inside and peek around anyway. I need a few shirts. You mind waiting out here for a minute?” I shook my head at her as Jeff sat down on a nearby bench and closed his eyes. She popped into the store and I sat down as close to Jeff as I dared.

“I’m sorry about last night,” I started. He kept his eyes closed and didn’t reply to that, and at first I wasn’t sure he’d even heard me.

Finally, without moving, he responded. “Which part?” he asked, his tone slightly accusatory.

I turned to look at him. “You know which part. I don’t regret our talk or being close to you in any way. I just wasn’t ready to share that with anyone else. For one thing, I had to come out to Vanessa before she saw me sitting in your lap.”

He didn’t reply directly to my statement, but he did look at me for the first time all day. “All I know is, I poured my heart out to you. That was something that was really hard for me to say. And then, just a couple hours later, you turned your back on me.”

I thought about that for a moment, trying to see things from his point of view. “I’m sorry if I did that,” I answered. “That certainly wasn’t my intention. I never want to do anything to hurt you.” He didn’t reply, so I screwed up my courage and went on. “I’ve never done this before—a relationship that was more than friends. I don’t know what I’m doing, so I’m bound to make mistakes. I need someone who’s willing to forgive me when I make them and teach me the right way.”

Jeff had been watching me with those blue eyes of his through all of this. “I don’t know, By,” he said seriously. “There are some things you just can’t teach.”

That stung more than I think he intended it to do. I looked away, hurt. But I had to admit, he wasn’t lying.

All my life, I’ve been afraid of a lot of things. I usually get past them eventually, and then I realize that whatever I feared wasn’t so scary after all. But I miss a lot of living in the time it takes me to figure that out. In this case, I didn’t want to wake up in my forties and regret what happened when I was eighteen. So even though my instinct was to get up and walk away, I turned back toward Jeff and took a deep breath.

“You’re right,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. “There are some things you can’t teach. But there are also some things you can’t deny. And I can’t deny any more that I’ve had feelings for you since before I had words for them. I never thought I’d have the opportunity to act on them, but since I do, I’m not going to let it slip through my fingers. You’re too important.”

Jeff’s expression didn’t change at all through that. I reached out one hand to his chin, rubbing my thumb underneath his jaw. He put his hand on mine, and at first he was going to bat or pull it away. Instead, he closed his eyes and leaned forward and I kissed him. My other hand found his shoulder and worked its way to the back of his neck. Jeff pulled me closer so we were sitting sideways on the bench. He broke the kiss and then started back again without pause. I had forgotten we were on a bench on the main thoroughfare, kissing in front of the entire town of Ogunquit. And Vanessa.

I don’t know how long she’d been watching before she spoke up. “Oh, my God,” she said. Jeff and I instantly pulled apart, like we’d been caught with our hands in the cookie jar. “You’ve only been out an hour and you’re already trying to convert Jeff. And making out in front of some very amused shopkeepers.” She snickered. “I don’t have all day and we have a gift to buy. Are you two coming or what?” With that, she strode off as if she saw sights like us every day.

I stood up and brushed off my butt. I held my hand out to Jeff. “Ready?” I asked, meaning more than just the obvious. He grinned, looking happier than he had since our time under the stars, and I pulled him off the bench. We started down the path after Vanessa, our hands still entwined.

***

Well, the three of us didn’t find anything that we thought Mom and Dad couldn’t live without. Jeff did discover yet another t-shirt for his sister Gracie, and Vanessa bought herself some souvenirs. We met back up with the others, tired and pretty hungry. They had obviously been waiting for us. “Any luck?” I asked Adam.

He shook his head. “Nope. But I guess Haley has an idea. She wouldn’t bring it up until all of us were here.”

Hay jumped off the bench where she’d been sitting with Jordan. “Give me all your coins,” she demanded.

Jeff raised an eyebrow. “Yes, o majesty,” he said as he dug in his pocket.

Jordan looked over at him from where he was still sitting. “You sound like you’re in a better mood,” he observed.

I looked at him as I handed Hay fifteen cents, wondering how he was going to respond to that. “I found something even better than a night’s sleep,” he said, smiling. Vanessa made a gag face and stuck her finger in her mouth. I poked her.

“What’s that all about?” Jordan asked, looking at Vanessa.

She grinned. “Let’s just say, I got almost as much of a peek as Byron did the other day,” she said sweetly, patting him on the shoulder. Jordan glanced over at Adam, who caught on pretty quickly and was trying not to laugh. Jordan still looked confused.

Hay shoved all the coins she had gathered in her pocket and bounced over to Jeff. “Does that mean what I think it means?” she asked. Jeff simply shrugged at her, so she turned to me. “By?” I didn’t reply, but I could feel the blush creeping across my face, followed by a grin. “Oh, my gosh!” Hay threw herself on me and gave me a hug that nearly knocked me over. She’s about 110 pounds, so I’m not sure how she could have so much power behind her. “Listen. I have to go make a phone call. But when I get back, I need to hear all about this.” She let me go and rushed away, still talking over her shoulder. “Major gossip session!”

Adam shook his head. “Where does she get all that energy? She should bottle some and sell it.”

“I don’t know, but I like it,” Jordan said, smiling. He then turned to me, the smile fading. “You really are gay, aren’t you?” he asked.

I sized him up, not sure how serious he was. “Yeah, I really am,” I replied. “Did you think I made that up for fun?” I teased gently.

Jordan smiled back, a little sadly. “No. But I thought you told me that because you were mad at me for that comment about you and Haley.” He shook his head. “I realize how dumb that sounds now.”

Adam had been watching this exchange with a little trepidation. “Don’t worry about it, dude. It took me a little while to get used to it, right, Byron?” I nodded, remembering how worried I had been after I’d told him. “We’re human. It takes us a while to deal with change.” Adam paused and looked at me. “Although, I guess you being gay isn’t actually a change.”

I shook my head. “I’ve known I was gay since I was, like, nine. I’ve had half my life to get used to the idea, and I’m just now coming out.” I sat down next to Jordan on the bench and Jeff came up on my other side to sit with me. He’d been mighty quiet during this part of the conversation. Jeff laced his fingers through mine, silently, and I squeezed his hand. “If it took me that long to get used to the idea, I can’t expect you guys to be one hundred percent okay in ten seconds, can I?”

Vanessa leaned against a light pole a short distance away. “You can’t all be as cool as I am about this sort of thing,” she said. Adam had a flyer or paper of some sort in his hand and he rolled it up and bopped her with it.

He then turned to Jeff. “So, Jeff, does this,” he gestured to our hands, “mean you’re out too? Do you feel the need to stand on a tabletop and shout like my insane brother over there?”

Jeff shook his head. “I honestly don’t know what I am,” he said, sounding sad about it. “No labels. Let me sort through a few things before I get back to you on that, okay?”

Jordan nodded at him. “That sounds good to me,” he said thoughtfully. “Not that it really matters, anyway, right? We’re all just people, no matter how any one labels us.”

“Or how we label ourselves,” I added.

Adam studied me for a moment. “Yeah. Sometimes, that is the worst part.”

Hay came bounding back up at that moment. “Okay, Pikes!” she announced. “You all have been booked for a sitting with Stoneybrook Professional Portrait Studios for a session in June!”

Jordan gave her a quizzical look. “Wait, what?” he asked.

“I figured out what your parents would probably like most, and that’s for you all to stay the way you are and not grow up. Next thing you know, you’ll all eight kids be scattered across the country, working in different jobs, getting married, having babies.” Adam shuddered a little at the thought of that last one. “And so I thought it would be perfect if, in thanks for the assistance they gave in letting us go on this awesome trip, you sit down for a family portrait. All ten of you.”

I had to admit, this was a pretty awesome idea. Although there are plenty of photos of our family, and even a few of all of us together, we’d never all sat down for a portrait session together. The last time we’d had a professional picture taken had been before Margo was born, and she’s almost fifteen. My mom had vowed never to do it again, but we were all so much older and less needy (in some ways) now, so it would probably work much better than it had when I was two.

I could see the others were feeling much the same way about it. Adam grinned, and even Vanessa looked happy. Jordan looked at Haley with adoration. I had been worried about the two of them when I’d first seen them together, but I didn’t worry so much anymore. Jordan clearly treated her gently, and I knew he was so happy that she’d actually considered him that he was going to go forward slowly and carefully. He might not have known about her past, but he respected her enough to go at her pace.

Hay stood next to Jordan and put her hand on his shoulder. “Can I have my purse back, please?” she asked. Until then, I hadn’t even noticed he was holding her bag. Quite a big step for a guy who didn’t want to carry some sunscreen less than a week ago.

It looked like I wasn’t the only one growing up.

***

When we arrived at the hotel that afternoon, Jeff climbed straight onto the bed and fell asleep on top of the blankets. I noted right away that he chose the bed nearest the bathroom, right where I had been sleeping since we’d arrived in Ogunquit. I waited until I was good and sure he was asleep, and then I just looked at him for a while. So much had happened in the past twenty-four hours, and I just needed a moment to reflect. Jeff’s hair hung across his forehead as he breathed slowly and rhythmically. I brushed his hair back and headed outside. I retrieved his beach blanket from the car and covered him up with it. Jeff didn’t even stir. I was beginning to think Adam was correct when he said Jeff hadn’t slept at all the night before.

I joined Adam and Jordan in the girls’ room. My brothers and Haley were playing spite and malice again. It looked like they were gambling for nickels. They were getting worse and worse every time they played cards, I swear. Vanessa, on the other hand, was looking through one of Hay’s magazines. I sat down next to her and she put the magazine aside, her expression thoughtful. “Hey,” she said.

“Hey, yourself. What’s up?”

She shrugged. “Not much. I was thinking about what you said earlier.”

I furrowed my brow. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

Vanessa traced a design on the bedspread. “When we were talking about me and Devon.”

Ahh. Yeah. I raised an eyebrow and waited for her to go on. After a moment, I realized she was waiting for me to talk, so I plunged ahead. “I don’t know Devon,” I told her, “but he’s so not who I pictured you with.”

“So who did you picture me with, then?”

I thought about that for a moment. “Well, I don’t have a specific image in mind. But I’m seeing someone who I could have a conversation with. Someone who could sit down at the dinner table with the Pikes and not be too out of place.” Vanessa looked up from her imaginary drawing. “Can you imagine inviting Devon over for dinner with our whole family?”

Vanessa shook her head. “No, not at all.” She smiled over the image. “Honestly, I started dating him because he was the first person to ask me out. And then I stayed with him because I liked having a boyfriend and someone to hang out with.” She shrugged at me. “Does that make sense?”

I nodded. I could understand that completely. I could see myself doing the same thing—if Jeff hadn’t been interested in me, I might have found myself in the same position in college. “Yeah, I get that. But in the long run, it’s a pretty lousy basis for a relationship.”

She nodded back at me. “I’ve been thinking about that myself. And I think I’m going to break up with him when we get back.” She pulled the magazine back out and flipped to the confessions page. “Devon’s not a bad guy, but he even creeps me out sometimes.”

“Are you sure you’re going to break up with him?”

“Yep.”

“Good.” I smirked at her. “Now I can tell you how much Devon reminds me of Pugsley Addams.”

Vanessa stared me. “No, you’re wrong,” she said.

“What are you talking about?” I replied. “Devon looks exactly like Pugsley Addams.”

She shook her head, looking amused. “He doesn’t look like Pugsley. He looks like Uncle Fester.”

I thought about that for a minute before I realized she was right. And then I started laughing. To my amazement, Vanessa started laughing with me.

My brothers and Hay looked up from their card game. “What the hell is going on over there?” Adam asked.

Vanessa caught her breath. “I’m just giving Byron a lesson in the Addams’ Family tree.”

The others just stared. After a moment, Jordan said, “Some days, I don’t get either one of you two.”

***

About an hour later, our stomachs were grumbling so loudly we could hear each other. The others headed out to the car and I went to wake Jeff. He had kicked the blanket off and he lay on his side, uncovered—much the same as he had been when I’d covered him in the first place. I sat down beside Jeff and put a hand on his back. “Jeff?” I called, “You ready for dinner?”

He didn’t reply. I looked at him; he was out cold. I lay down beside him and pulled my arm across his chest. My face came right at Jeff’s neck, so I snuggled up right behind him. “Jeff?” I repeated. He stirred slightly and I could tell he was starting to wake up just a bit. I pulled right up next to his neck and kissed it lightly a few times. Jeff didn’t open his eyes, but he was clearly awake after that. He grabbed my hand and I pulled; he used the leverage to help him turn over. I put my forehead next to his and watched as he opened his eyes and looked into mine.

“Hi,” he replied with a small smile, and then kissed me. We would have stayed there for a while if my stomach hadn’t rumbled again. “A little hungry, are we?” he teased, running his hand through my hair.

“A lot hungry.” I had my hand on his cheek and I ran my thumb down his lips. He kissed the tip as it went by. “We were going to head into town for dinner. You need a few minutes or are you ready now?”

He kissed me again. “I’m ready now. Like I said earlier, a little bit of you is better than a full night of sleep.”

I beamed at him. “That is the best compliment I’ve ever received.”

I sat up and offered him a hand, which he gladly accepted. We stood up together and Jeff ran a hand through his hair, which was quite messy. “Do I look alright?” he asked.

“To me, you always look alright. But I’d understand if you want to run a comb through that before we leave.”

Jeff grinned. “Okay, sounds good. I’ll meet you outside with the others, okay?” He pulled me in for one last kiss before he headed into the bathroom.

I went outside to join the rest. “He coming?” Vanessa asked.

I nodded. “Quick bathroom stop and he’ll be out.” I was grinning from ear to ear, I know, and the others were all looking at me.

“What is with you?” Adam asked. “Do I want to know what went on in there just now?” He sounded mock-horrified, but he was smiling.

“Naw,” I replied, “You don’t really have to worry, though. We’re rated PG.”

“For now.”

My grin faded. “Yeah, but we only have ‘for now,’” I replied. Thinking about how Jeff would be heading back to the West Coast in only two days put a damper on my cheerful mood.

Hay made a concerned face and grabbed my jacket sleeve, ready to say some words of condolence. Before she could even start her thought, Jeff tumbled out of the motel. “Ready?” he asked, sounding happier than I had heard him since he was a kid.

Vanessa smirked at him. “Uh, yeah. We’ve been waiting for you for the last ten or more minutes, so I’d say we’re ready.”

“Well then, why haven’t you gotten in the car yet? It’s not exactly stand around in the darkness weather.” Jeff shivered and pulled his windbreaker tighter.

Jordan had the keys, so he and Hay got in the front. Vanessa climbed into the back, and Jeff and I took the middle row. Adam looked at the set up and then at Vanessa, who had done something funky with her jacket and looked weirder than usual. “Why do I always get paired with you?” he asked her, leaning over my shoulder from the outside of the car.

Vanessa put her face up against the car window and blew, the way we had when we were kids. “Get yourself a girlfriend and that will stop,” she advised. Adam glared at her. “You could sit in the middle with the Gay Wonders, you know.” Now Jeff and I glared at her too, but I scooted over next to Jeff so Adam could sit on my other side. Not that I really needed too much inducement to sit next to Jeff anyway.

I turned the topic to something really important as Jordan pulled onto the highway. “Where are we going to eat, anyway?” I asked.

Hay leaned over the back of the seat. “We never did get to Barnacle Billy’s. It’s supposed to be legendary.”

No one could come up with an argument against that, so that’s where we went. Jeff looked at the menu in the window and shook his head. “Lobster. What is it with lobster around here?”

Adam laughed. “Well, we are in Maine.”

Jeff wrinkled his nose. I leaned over and looked at the menu. I didn’t see a single thing on it Jeff would eat. As he continued to inspect the menu, I looked up and down the street. There was a salad bar a few doors down. Vanessa and Jordan had already gone inside Barnacle Billy’s and Adam was about to follow. Hay was still looking at the menu with Jeff. His expression was one just this side of disgust, while Hay looked excited.

I grabbed Jeff’s hand and pulled him away from the menu. Hay turned around to watch us. “I think you’d have better luck over there,” I said, pointing at the salad bar.

He looked at me, then back at the menu at Barnacle Billy’s. “I can grab something to go after we leave here,” he commented.

Hay shook her head. “Sit around starving while the rest of us eat? That’s nuts. Why don’t you and Byron go eat at the salad bar while we eat here?” She grabbed the handle of the door and opened it. “We’ll meet you guys in about an hour, okay?” And then she was gone.

I looked at Jeff, whose eyes were shining. “I guess it’s just you and me,” I said.

***

A salad bar isn’t exactly a romantic place to eat, but I was about to take what I could get at that point. After we filled our plates, Jeff and I sat down at the table. Despite how hungry we were, neither one of us started eating right away. I watched as he arranged and rearranged his silverware and then spread the salad dressing across his plate. He caught me staring and stopped, looking at me, concern growing. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

It was then I realized I was faking a smile, and he could see right past it. I shrugged at him and picked up my fork. It didn’t work on Jeff, though. “C’mon, By, talk to me,” he said.

I stabbed some salad and lifted it up to my mouth, but I didn’t eat it. “I dunno,” I said, “I feel like we’re just getting started here, and I want to be excited about that. But then I realize we’re going back to Stoneybrook tomorrow, and then you go back to California the next day, and then we’ll be over before we even get to start.”

Jeff continued to watch me without saying a word. I ate my forkful of salad and took another before he spoke. “You know, I don’t look at it that way,” he said quietly. “I figure this trip is just a beginning. I’ll be back for the summer. My dad gave me the choice of whether or not to come. I wasn’t going to, but now I have a good reason.” He put down his fork and reached across the table. I put mine down also and took his hand with both of mine. “You remember what I said about how confused and unhappy I’ve been recently?” I nodded. “One of the many, many things my shrink advises is that I find reasons to want to keep going. At first, I was seriously just going from week to week because I wanted to see what happened next on 24.” I couldn’t help but smile at that, just a little. “But now I plan to make it through the next couple months waiting to see you again.”

His face was so earnest. I let go of his hand and reached out to his jaw, cupping it in my hand. “Let’s not make it a couple months,” I said, starting to smile for real, “There are phone calls and emails and letters…”

Jeff smiled back at me and picked up his fork. We ate in silence for a while. Once our plates were empty, he took the thread back up. “I only have one question,” he said.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. What do we call this?” Jeff gestured to the restaurant as a whole.

“You mean, us?”

“Yeah.”

I thought about that for a moment. There was a large part of me that just wanted to plow right ahead. I had come so far so fast—why not go back to school and not just tell people I was gay, but that I also had a boyfriend? But I couldn’t just think about myself in this. And Jeff…well, Jeff didn’t even know what he was. I didn’t think it was really fair to him to call this a relationship and put a name on it, even if that’s what he was looking for. “Remember what you said about labels? Maybe we should just take things as they go and not worry about naming anything.” He grinned.

We refilled our plates and sat back down. After a little while, I put my fork down again. “Can I ask you a question, now?” Jeff put some salad in his mouth and nodded. “What was going on with you and Hay earlier this week?”

He swallowed. “What are you talking about?”

“The first couple days we were on vacation,” I began, “You and Hay were all over each other.” I chuckled. “I thought you liked her.”

Jeff put his fork down and laughed, a loud, hearty laugh, like I hadn’t heard him make in years. He reached over and patted one hand. “Haven’t you ever heard the expression, ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends’?”

“Jeff?”

“Yeah, By?”

“Do me a favor? Never quote The Spice Girls at me again.”

He laughed again. “For you? Anything.”

***

Jeff and I ate far too much at that salad bar, even though the place was vegan and there wasn’t a bacon bit in sight. We came stumbling out, groaning exaggeratedly, and waited for the others to reappear. When they did, it was not from Barnacle Billy’s but from a shop down the way. Vanessa spotted us first.

“Jeff! Jeff!” she shouted, “You’ve got come look at this shop.”

Jeff perked up and looked over at me. I nodded at him, understanding, as he walked away. I have no idea what was so interesting, but as Jeff got to the front of the store, he sped up. I plopped down on a bench, much the way Adam and Jordan had been doing all during the trip. My brothers were actually on a similar bench some ways down the block. While I wanted to go join them, I literally felt like I couldn’t get off the bench. Damn salad bar.

Haley appeared out of the store and stopped to talk to Jordan. He pointed down the block toward me, and Hay walked in my direction. The night was fairly cold and she had her hoodie pulled tight around her. Those silly, purple heart sunglasses were on top of her head. She smiled as she headed toward me. “Everything okay?” she asked as she sat down beside me.

I smiled back at her. “Yeah, actually. Jeff and I had a good talk. We plan to stay in close touch. He says this is a beginning, not an ending.”

“Jeff’s a smart guy.”

“Yeah.” Jeff and Vanessa came out of the shop. He was waving his arms while he spoke, making exaggerated hand gestures. The two of them stopped to talk to our brothers, then crossed the street and headed into yet another store. I shook my head, amused.

Hay was watching the exchange. “You’re starting the adventure of your life,” she commented.

I turned toward her. “And so are you, if you stick with Jordan after this trip.”

She smiled a funny, twisted little smile. “Yeah. I think I’ll tell him I’ll be his girlfriend. At least, for now.”

Something about her tone made me pause. “For now?” I asked.

She wrinkled her forehead as she frowned and looked away from me. “Yeah. You’re leaving me, both of you, at the end of the summer. Like I said, you’re starting the adventure of your life.” She pulled her hands up into her sleeves and slid her arms all the way up into the body of her jacket; I think she put her hands in her armpits to warm them up. “You’ll leave me back in Stoney-fucking-brook, all alone, and have such a good time you’ll forget all about me.”

“Hay.” I put my arm around her lump of hoodie and squeezed. “You are the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. I might not always be able to be with you, but I could never, ever forget you. You know that my sister Mallory went off to boarding school a million years ago, right?” I asked. Hay nodded, then put her head on my shoulder. She was crying a little bit again, but just a few sniffles and dripped tears. “Well, you remember Becca’s sister Jessi, too, and how she’s a ballet dancer in New York? She and Mal are best friends, and they haven’t lived in the same town in more than seven years. But they still get together when they’re in the same town, and they talk on the phone and email all the time.”

Hay sniffed and rubbed her eyes on her shoulder. “Point taken. But…”

“No buts!” I tightened my grip. “First, I’m going to need you more than ever after I leave. “Who’s going to keep me sane when my roommate turns out to be a psycho or I have trouble with my classes?” She hiccuped but didn’t otherwise reply. “Second, you can see how crazy Jordan is about you. If he could, he’d take you off to college with him.” I firmly believed that to be true.

Hay finally looked at me. “Yeah, but you won’t be there. You’ll be in North Carolina and Jordan will be in Florida. Adam’s going to be in Ohio. And I have to do another year at Shithole High School.”

“And then, the next year, you’re going off somewhere else too. Besides, what about Vanessa? You two seem to be getting closer. And what about those friends you made when you were in the play?” Hay’s arms reappeared from her sleeves and from her purse she pulled a tissue, which she used to smear around her mascara a bit. “I’m not going to dare you, but I want to suggest you try out for the musical again this year. Not just because it will be other people for you to hang out with, but because you have a talent and I hate to see it buried.”

Hay started to speak, but before she could form a word, Jordan appeared over her shoulder. I hadn’t even heard him come up. “Hey, guys,” he said as he took in the situation. Hay took one last swipe at her raccoon eyes and shoved the tissue in her pocket. “Why is it, whenever the two of you go off on your own, Haley always ends up crying?”

She looked at him. “It’s not By’s fault, Jordan. You’ve got a hot mess for a girlfriend, I must tell you. There are days I just feel so bipolar.”

Jordan focused in on a single word. “Girlfriend?” he repeated. Hay just nodded and held out a hand to him. I retracted my arm and he pulled her up and gave her a kiss, one that lasted longer than I was comfortable with. I ended up averting my eyes and retying both my shoes, despite the fact that neither one of them needed to be retied.

When Hay and Jordan were finished, I stood up from the bench. He had his arm around her and without a word, the three of us walked down the block. Adam and Jeff were standing by a lamppost. Jeff saw us coming and called to Vanessa, who appeared from a doorway. The three of them met us halfway, where Jeff’s hand found mine. The six of us walked back to the car in a companionable silence.

***

We left fairly early the next morning; it was going to be a long drive back and we wanted to make more stops than we had on the way there. We’d gone full circle on the drivers, so I found myself back in the drivers’ seat. Vanessa climbed into the back and promptly went to sleep among the luggage. Adam sat next to Hay and Jordan, which was a brave choice with the way they’d been acting. They’d had their hands on each other all morning. In fact, in the car that morning, Hay was curled up into a ball with her head on Jordan’s lap, and he was running his hands through her hair as she fell asleep. While I was happy for them, I couldn’t help but be a little nauseated. It was like they never turned off.

The car was packed; we’d eaten breakfast and used the bathroom. Still, I didn’t start the car just yet. I didn’t want to say goodbye to the trip and to all the progress we’d all made along the way. There was something magical about it. When I first got in the car, I thought maybe it was something to do with Maine. Vanessa had said something about Maine soothing the soul. Maybe that was it.

But sitting there, playing with the rearview mirror as an excuse to not drive off just yet, I realized I was wrong. This is going to sound really cheesy; I’m sorry in advance. I just couldn’t find a better way to explain it. The magic wasn’t Maine—it was us. I looked over at Jeff, sitting in the passenger’s seat. He was wearing his dark jeans, a white undershirt with nothing over it, his new hiking boots and his sunglasses on the top of his head. But the best thing he was wearing was a smile, a real one, not one of the fakes he had been producing on the way to Maine. And this smile was directed right at me.

I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Jeff turned on the CD player and put on my Beatles CD—the one we had listened to on the way up. He turned back to me as the music started and we headed back south toward Connecticut. I thought Jeff was going to say something, but instead he just held out his hand. I took one hand off the steering wheel and took his, squeezing it firmly. He pulled both hands toward him and kissed mine and we drove on toward the rest of our lives.

***

Epilogue

I wish I could say that road trip changed everything. It didn’t. Although I felt like a new person when I arrived back home, things quickly fell back into life as I knew it. There was laundry to do and chores to take care of and unfinished homework to attend to. I was working on calculus when Jeff’s plane back to California left the next day.

But some things definitely did change for the better. That evening before I went to sleep, there was an email from him, saying he missed me already and couldn’t wait to come back. I shot him a response talking about school and how I didn’t want to go back. And when I checked again in the morning, Jeff had already replied to that one.

So even though I was still the last one out the door, as always, and I still had trouble getting my locker open or paying attention in gym class, I felt a lot better about myself while it was going on. I stood up a little taller, brushed the hair a little farther out of my eyes. I don’t know if anyone else could see the difference, but I knew. And that was what mattered.

I was on my way to physics when I saw Jordan and Haley walking the other way, holding hands. I called a hello to them and kept walking. I knew he was introducing her to some of his friends, and now she’d have a life sometimes. There would be days when she’d be too busy with Jordan to hang out with me. I was glad for her.

After my morning classes, I carried my lunch bag into the cafeteria, to my regular table. Adam was already there—he must have been the first person in the lunch line, because he almost never beats me to the table. I sat down beside him. “How’s your day been so far?” he asked.

“Hell. They should just let us graduate right after spring break. It’s not like any of the seniors are paying attention anymore.” Adam nodded and took a swig from a water bottle.

I started setting out my lunch, something I take very seriously. By the time I was finished, the table was starting to fill up. Jordan and Shane were at one end, talking about something that Mr. Obrecht had done that morning in their math class. Robby sat across from Adam and they picked up a conversation. Once again, Dan Reiber sat down across from me, and once again, he wasn’t about to have a real conversation with me. I wasn’t particularly worried about it.

I took a bite of my sandwich and looked up just in time to see history unfold a couple tables over. Vanessa, who was wearing her most normal jeans and a gray long sleeved t-shirt that said, ‘Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege,’ walked up to the table, where her old friends Charlotte and Becca were sitting. She leaned over and spoke to them in a low voice. I saw the two of them look at each other and shrug, and Vanessa joined them at their table. She caught me looking at her and gave me a glare for a few seconds, but it quickly turned to a grin. I smiled back at her.

Dan saw me smile and gave me a hideous expression. I realized I was once again looking over his shoulder and smiling. That’s apparently all it takes to set him off. I looked down and took a bite of sandwich, silently willing him to let it go. He didn’t get the message. “What are you doing over there? Having silent daydreams about my dick again?”

That got everyone’s attention. Usually, I either ignore a comment like that, or let someone else answer for me, but not anymore. Before Jordan or anyone else could respond, I looked Dan straight in the eye and put my sandwich down. “Don’t flatter yourself. You are so not my type,” I replied.

Dan looked confused for a moment, but the rest of the table burst out laughing. “Way to go Byron!” Robby called. Adam gave me a high five.

Yeah. I was going to be alright after all.

#bsc fanfic 2013

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anothergirlrecovering · 7 years

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Lynn 34

I just love her. When I got in she asked how I was doing and I said that I was doing good and I asked her how she was doing. She also said she was good and asked me how my week has been. I told her that I had started my monthly cycle and that three nights ago I had started feeling sad and I decided that next morning to go ahead and try the Prozac. She asked how I was feeling and I explained that I was surprised but I had actually felt better within like an hour after taking it. She pointed out that she had looked at studies where it showed literally that the brand flow is different during the cycle and home the Prozac had really changed the brain blood flow. I said that made sense. She explained home she often has these conversations with clients in with people and how she has seen it be really helpful for a lot of people, her self included. She brought up that it is similar to help with postpartum depression hormones really affect women and that our hormone changes are constantly affecting our mood. I said not that I was glad that I’m having issues with my. But that at the same time I’m glad that she had recommended me trying that because she made me feel so much better about doing it and now I know that if I were to get postpartum depression I wouldn’t be as hesitant to try medicine at that point if I needed it. Granted I would try acupuncture and herbs first, but if it was getting to the point where I am that wasn’t enough, I would be willing to try and antidepressant. She agreed and said that it made sense and home when you have a baby you want to be able to really enjoy your time with your baby and not be crying all the time and feeling upset.

I told her about how I had talk to my husband yesterday and that he had validated that my childhood was probably a lot harder than he had realized because he spent time with my parents two weeks ago. I also mentioned that last night was the first and that he had said anything positive about anything church related and that he had commented joking about me going to a supportive group of women at my recovery group at church. I told her that I’ve also been trying to be better with my husband about how I respond to him when he’s upset and not just pushing that he go to therapy. I explained that he had been freaking out about his hair loss which he’s not even losing his hair but that he’s really anxious about losing his hair and that I had actually just tried being nice about it and validating that I was sorry that he was feeling so bad about it and I had asked if anything else was bothering him that might have been making his anxiety about that more intense and that we ended up talking about his job and he mentioned feeling like he’s not sure he wants to live in this area long term which is something that he hasn’t really brought up in a while and would we consider ever moving to Nashville. I said no and I really feel like that would be a lateral move for us and I wouldn’t want to give up the good things that we do have in this area for that but that it used to be that a big reason for why I didn’t want to go to that area was because his family is there. Regardless I really just don’t like Nashville, I know that’s an unpopular opinion but there really isn’t anything that really sticks out to me as anything that I just really click with or really enjoy. I told her that when I had done that and talk to him that he actually asked me why I was being so loving and I realize that maybe I haven’t been very loving with him when it comes to these issues and that after that he asked if my therapist had told me to do that, which she left and I explained that I hadn’t and Lynn had not told me to do anything. She said that maybe continuing to be supportive but also dropping hints everyone’s in a while and giving kind of a tough love, like do you know when he stressing being like you now therapies kind of the only thing that I know what to do for it, so I’m sorry you’re feeling bad but you know I don’t know any other way to treat that so either resume and you’re probably going to be stuck having to deal with that. She asked me if I thought that showing him case studies are letting him read getting past your past would help him to see that he could really benefit from EMDR. I said I didn’t think that he would read it but maybe if I found something really similar. She showed me one of the books on the shelves and said that it’s a really good one and has a lot of good case examples involving anxiety and she thought there may be one that would connect with him. I took a picture of the back and said that I would order it and see if there were any that really Applied to him and see if he would give it a shot.

I told her that I was really surprised because Mother’s Day was this past weekend and that it was honestly the first Mother’s Day that I really didn’t get depressive and angry when seeing peoples Facebook posts. I explained that it could come from multiple things but that you know them whether it be because we been processing it or because I’ve had support or because I’ve met other people with mommy issues so I don’t feel so alone in it anymore or because I reached out to the pastor, I don’t know it probably comes from all of the above. She agreed and thanked me for reaching out to the pastor and said that was really cool of me to do that. I said that was empowering and that I had realized that I’m guilty of getting really angry with pastors and churches for not handling mental health related issues well, and forgetting that not everyone has the same sort of knowledge or experience is that I do and they may not be aware of these issues and I can’t be mad at them for something that they simply aren’t aware of. It would be different if I had emailed to people and they still chose to be insensitive, but if I never give them the opportunity and they aren’t aware, then I’m kind of being unfairly mad at them. I told her about how the church that my husband had gone to in high school had very stupidly made the church repeat after him and the pastor said I’m too blessed to be depressed and that I ended up getting so mad and cursing and saying that literally there are thousands of people in that church and there are probably hundreds with depression or sitting there feeling shamed and that the depression is their fault and a lack of recognition for how blessed they are but that the pastor is a complete jackass and it’s likely that if I had emailed that pastor a complaint he probably would’ve just ignored my email or argue that it’s OK to say that because Jesus heals depression. I explained that the pastor at my church is really wonderful and really receptive to things and he had even asked for in a valuation of how things had gone on that Sunday. I told her about how normally I get really angry and upset when I see that people have all of the stupid Facebook statuses about how their mom is their best friend and their hero in their role model and blah blah blah and she was laughing and I was like your kids did it too right? She laughed and said two out of the three, and that one of her kids joked and said they were the bad kid but that she believes her daughter does that as a way of sort of rebelling against the dramatic ways of her siblings and it sets her apart from them and she’s always done things like that. I laughed and said so she knew what I meant about the Facebook statuses but that this year when reading them I actually didn’t really get upset and there was one in particular that I saw the next day where it was a girl I know and she was writing about her mom and how her mom is her best friend and her hero and she could spend hours upon hours talking to her, and all I could think of was you I would never want to spend hours upon hours talking to that woman and when I realized it was because this woman is a very vocal evangelical Trump supporter who has very different opinions than I do and is very adamant and delusional and really just represents everything that I hate about the evangelical Christianity, and then I kind of recognize that to an extent my mom is similar to her, not that my mom is a vocal Trump supporter because really my mom avoid all conflict and won’t talk politics with me because she knows we feel differently but that my mom and I are so different and I recognize that maybe part of the issue is that I can never have that kind of a close relationship with my mom if I don’t have to compromise who I am because my mom just isn’t an open-minded person and we don’t share the same values.

She asked me if I wanted to do any EMDR and work on it, and I said yes. She said that she was glad to hear all of this and that it sounds like really that I’m healing. She asked me to notice what is feeling hard or keeping me stuck and preventing me from letting go. I noticed that it feels hard to completely let go of that desire to want to be close to my mom because I feel guilty because it feels like if I don’t care about whether or not I’m close to her then it means I’m a bad daughter and that realistically I felt like a bad daughter for a long time because I know that I’m very different than the type of person that my parents wanted me to be. I went through a bunch of different memories, noticing that I thought about how Lynn had asked me to think about how someone like me had ended up at the college that I ended up at the last session and how it came with a lot of fighting and me being adamant that I was going to run away and go there and never come back and I didn’t care what they said and it would be a lot of screaming fights and I would slam the door and say I was going anyway and they were opposed because they really wanted me to go to Valley Forge Christian College because they really wanted me to be a music teacher because I was given a music scholarship for singing and guitar there and they’re bigger issue was that they wanted me to go there because there was chapel every single day and with my issues going on they really thought that if I just had more traveling more Jesus I would be better. Lynn laughed and said you did run away and you didn’t go back, I laughed and said I guess that was true and I noticed that she really was right that I really had gone and I really didn’t go back and I guess I had never really thought of it like that but I realized that I had made the best decision for myself. Lynn pointed out that I had good intuition and I knew when I needed. I noticed that my parents have tried to control my career choice also and that I had gone to the doctors appointment with my mom and had had so much anxiety getting my physical done for college and by that point I had already confirmed that I was going to my college and we were sitting down and Wendy’s and my mom had asked if I really wanted to deal with people like me for the rest of my life because I had said I thought I wanted to be a counselor and that I wished I could go back in time and tell my mom the answer was yes I do want to deal with people like me and I want to be able to help people like me and my grandma and people like me and my grandma are OK and that’s not bad but that at the time I had felt so awful about myself and like there was something so deeply wrong with me and so disgusting. Lynn check her head and pointed out that I was really hurting and needed help. I noticed that I had chosen the best career choice for me regardless of what my parents had thought because it was what I wanted and then I was confused and didn’t really know what made me want that. I noticed that maybe it was my competitive nature because really I had thought I would also become a youth group leader and minor in youth ministry because when I thought about people who made a difference in my life, I knew howgood it felt when Candace had listened to me and been there for me and how awful it felt when she abandoned me, and I wanted to really be able to do that for other people but not leave them. The only thing that I figured with counseling was because maybe because my first therapy experience was so bad with that one Therapist literally making me pull my pants down, that maybe I was competitive and thought I could do a better job at that but I don’t know. She pointed out that counseling give me a sense of purpose and then I saw that even then and to notice that. I noticed that out of all of my terrible negative cognitions about myself, something that has always felt true and was positive was that I’ve always been really resourceful. I explained how as a teenager I had ended up on the phone with the Harvard dream specialist because I was having a recurring nightmare and how I wished that Google had been more prominent when I was younger because I feel like I would’ve been able to understand things better about myself and it really could’ve change things. I pointed out how a lot of times my parents really didn’t do things to get me help and part of that was because I didn’t always tell them when something was wrong because I was afraid they would minimize it because they had done that so many times before, and so like even with the Hartford dream specialist I didn’t tell them about that. She asked about the recurring dream and I explained that it was a nightmare of a pair of man’s hands were going to grab mean like up by the throat area and that I would wake up in a panic attack. She asked what the guy had suggested and I said that he told me to go to therapy I think the only reason he called me was because he was probably intrigued by the fact that a teenager was reaching out. I told her about how if we were to look back at my high school email account we would see that the majority of emails in the sent box have a subject line of question because I was constantly emailing random people asking questions and trying to understand things better and get knowledge and how I had always email the authors and wrote authors and I didn’t know that that wasn’t normal until like a few months ago during bookclub when I said I was going to email the author and everybody else thought that was weird. She said she always finds recurring dreams interesting because she wonders what it is about them that is so scary that the brain triggers repeating it. I said I don’t know them and she pointed out that with the hands going to grab my throat area she wondered if it had to do at all with being constricted or not having a voice and that given everything going on in my household she could see were either of those things could be true. I agreed and said I didn’t know and she apologized for getting off on a tangent LOL. I noticed that things are better if I don’t talk with my parents about things that I know we don’t agree on and that maybe I need to except that maybe we can be close but in a very different way and that’s not my fault but just they aren’t open to anything different than themselves. I also noticed that with resourcefulness comes a desire to understand why and how and that in a way that goes against me because I’m always trying to figure out why things are the way they are and that maybe I need to except that I can’t go back in time and I can’t figure out why things happen the way that they did and I’ll never know if I really had a sensory issue when I was little or if I was just truly picky or what. She pointed out feeling that I have A stubborn temperament and that kids react in whatever ways they have to do to get control and to have a voice and that may have just been my way of doing it. I said maybe but it seems so odd because it goes against primal nature. I noticed that I’ve always had so much anxiety about not being able to reuse things that even as a kid, lotion perfume stickers coloring books whatever, I would end up not ever using them because I would have so much anxiety that if I would use it then I wouldn’t have anymore to use. I pointed out that that was similar to hoarding and that it’s very fear-based but that one looking back I wonder how much of that has to do with not having enough food. I noticed that even with my secret stash, I would chew the same piece of gum over and over and over to the point where I would literally dissolve in my mouth after several months of chewing it, and that I would often have food in my secret stash but not eat it because I was so afraid that if I eat it then I wouldn’t have anything there to eat if I really needed it. I pointed out that I seem to have such a strong will and when I was a child because when I think back to it, I was able to refuse food but somebody like my husband would’ve had a plate and food in front of him and been told if you don’t eat it you get nothing and he would’ve eaten the food because he was hungry. I explained that I have a hard time with wanting to figure out why I was able to avoid eating even when I was so hungry to the point that I was ordering food. I pointed out that when I had anorexia obviously that was very intentional with starving myself because I wanted to lose weight and to control things in that way. She pointed out that I obviously have the temperament and predisposition towards those types of issues and with controlling food as a means for controlling things. I said I just always want to know like whether or not I had an eating disorder as a kid or what because I know it’s not normal when I look back at it. I noticed then also that I felt really sad because I remembered that I would often lick my plate or lick my ball and I’m on the my parents yelling at me and telling me that it’s not good manners and feeling sad because I was probably really hungry. Lynn made a very sympathetic face and said that I was just a little kid and I was probably really hungry. Lynn randomly asked me if I had done any of the workshops on EMD ER and eating disorders and I said no and she said that she thinks that could be a really cool niche for me and she was sorry because I was off topic but I was professional thoughts that she was just thinking. I told her I would look into it more. I told her that I was think it’s so bizarre and frustrating when I consider the fact that me as a child was so so very different than me as an adult. I explained that I was really really outgoing and friendly and that my report cards would say that I talk too much in school and that I would make friends with kids at the supermarket and that I was adamant that I was gonna become famous and I took acting lessons because I thought I would do acting and I was very much a bossy independent leader, whereas now I’m very much in Indiana not a chief. I explained that I know that transition for me in seventh grade and a lot of that maybe had to do with changing schools and that not going well, but it just seems so crazy that my entire personality would change so much because I didn’t have all of the social anxiety as a kid. I told her that I’m going to a bridal shower and bachelorette party this weekend and that I have so much social anxiety about it and that I know I have the propranolol and there will be alcohol and I’m sure I will get through it and it’s not even a long time but that I keep trying to avoid thinking about it because when I do you think about it I start obsessing over feeling anxious and like I won’t fit in and that I’m ugly and won’t look good while I’m there. She pointed out that to some extent because of our jobs, it’s possible that we may be less inclined to do more social things because we get drained more easily. She pointed out that a lot of times after a long workday, she doesn’t want to go out to a party or see people she really just wants to chill in front of the TV. I said I got that LOL. She pointed out that also with being sensitive people, sometimes we are more aware when situations can be more draining. She explained that she is having to go to a lot of graduation parties right now and that there was one in particular that she was dreading because she knew that it was a neighborhood friend and the parents just got divorced and there was gonna be a lot of negativity in the air and for people like us sometimes we just don’t want to deal with that. I laughed and asked if she is sensitive and she said how can you not be in this job. I said I feel like a lot of therapists are insensitive and there are a lot of bad Therapist and she laughed and said that I was right about that so she guessed that made sense but that she feels like part of why we are good at our jobs is because we are sensitive and intuitive and can read what’s really going on even when people aren’t saying it. She said before I go this weekend, but I should consider practicing mindfulness. I told her that the problem with practicing mindfulness when I’m upset is that my brain automatically starts obsessing over feeling ugly or fat and I can’t stay present. She said there are multiple types of mindfulnes, laughed and said she wouldn't advocate that someone like my focus on bodily mindfulness, and that I should consider focusing on gratitude mindfulness and put my energy into being mindful of my gratitude of the relationship with my friend. I said it’s hard because realistically if I think about that, then I will go down a rabbit trail of thinking about our friendship and how we were best friends in college in that part of why it works so well was because she’s very similar to my mom in that she’s very avoidant of any conflict and very aloof and avoidant of issues and so we literally never talked about my being sick. Lynn laughed and said no wonder I don’t want to go this weekend. She brought up trying to focus on the general gratitude for my friend as far as being grateful that she’s getting me marry someone she loves and that I am there to celebrate with her and to focus on even generally that I’m going to spend time with her and then I will meet new people and that maybe I will need a new friend. I must’ve made a face that said I wasn’t super on board because she laughed and said that I could always give it a shot.

She asked me how things were going with private practice and I said they were going good. She said that it seems that clients come and go in waves and that the summertime things seem to always pick up. She said right now she’s getting a wave of people that want to come in and do EMDR. She said she usually cuts back on her work hours in the summer though and that she’s already pretty booked for next week. Luckily though we were able to work out a time for Thursday. She said that with their new location, they are right by all these restaurants so they are doing Thursday lunches with each other so that they are intentional about connecting with each other as Therapist’s. I wanted to laugh and point out that they literally moved like five minutes away from their old office but I held my tongue and figured I didn’t think she would laugh and find it funny even though it really is only a five-minute difference so I don’t know why they are all of a sudden so much closer to all of these cool restaurants LOL. I said that it was nice though that they are doing that and taking the time to connect with each other which is one thing that is nice about being at an agency is that you do you still stay connected with people. She agreed and said that private practice can be lonely if you’re not intentional about connecting with other people. She made a copy of my insurance card and she said who knows how insurance will change in the future. I said that in this current moment with the healthcare change that has already happened, my friend Josh actually talk to our state representative and said that they are leaving it to the states to decide whether or not they want to require insurance is to continue covering mental health issues and that our state is saying that as of right now they want to advocate that insurance keep mental health issues because there is such a big substance abuse problem and to remove that coverage would create a lot of issues for people. She said that was good and she hopes that it stays. She said that Blue Cross Blue Shield actually just cut back on their rates and we both agreed that that’s super annoying and sucks.

On the way out, she told me good work, as always and I laughed and jokingly said and good work for you to Lynn as always and she laughed and said she would pat herself on the back.

#emdr

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