#what’s gayer homosexuality or whatever the fuck those two had going on
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rewatched lab rats bc I was feeling nostalgic. found out it actually has a pretty active fanbase on tumblr. found out in particular there’s a very large chase/kaz fanbase. wondered what was up with that. watched the first episode of elite force. I get it now.
#disney what the FUCK.#what’s gayer homosexuality or whatever the fuck those two had going on#dare i say it boyfriends#chase davenport#kaz nolastname#chaz#i believe in chaz supremacy#lab rats#lab rats elite force#nilla-rambles
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1, 6, and 18! 💛
💛💛💛
these will be long as hell I'm sorry lmao
1. for as long as I can remember I've felt attracted to women and drawn to the community. I grew up watching Saturday Night Live with my parents, which I think is where I first encountered homosexuality but a close second was on this other skit show (whose name I can't find for whatever reason) where girl a was getting engaged to her boyfriend and girl b, the best friend and roommate, was freaking out and it ended with girl b kissing her and I don't know why its stuck with me for over a decade but I used to spend so much time up late at night thinking about what love was or why we kiss each other but I never once considered I was anything other than normal until elementary school. Everytime my friend and I stumbled across two girls kissing in pop culture or really any gay representation for that matter we'd tell each other about it and it became this weird fixation of ours until an older girl overheard us and called us weird and gay and I remember I went home and cried and cried because being weird and gay were obviously synonymous at my Texas charter elementary school and would have a negative impact on my life if people found out.
I didn't start taking those "am I gay" quizzes till about 5th or 6th grade. I had forced all homosexuality into a very taboo box for me and when I didn't like this one (very creepy, I might add) boy back in 6th grade and I told my parents, I remember getting this really adverse reaction from my mother ("well then what are you?") that perpetually kept me fully closeted for another year. That being said, I knew I was attracted to boys too. I think I had my first real crush on a boy in 3rd grade, but before that I had liked Wilbur Robinson and Peter Pan and Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner for Christ's sake so I had it in my mind that even if I weren't fully straight I could pass as everyone else's normal and not face the repercussions of being weird and gay. I'd still marry a man and have kids like every other female role model I my life at the time. I felt a lot of guilt during puberty and had tremendous gay panic thinking I had to be one thing or another or even one thing in secret and I was lying to myself in some way about my feelings and then my dad's friend (or my self appointed aunt actually) came out to everyone after having been married to a man for several years. As 7th grade rolled around one of my friends came out as transgender. And the internet finally seemed to really give a shit about the LGBT+ community, and the world felt bigger, and I felt more comfortable giving myself exceptions ("maybe you could have a girlfriend in college but still marry a man"). I discovered flannels, I had gay ships (Harley and Ivy saved my whole life), all my friends were coming out at an increasing rate, and suddenly all sorts of people were attractive to me. The quizzes called what I was bisexual. A pretty girl I knew identified as bi/pan (I can't remember what it was at the time, she changed labels a lot those days) I had met at a birthday party just a few days before asked me over breakfast if I liked girls.
I damn near choked on my toast.
And against every voice screaming in my head to just say no and that it wasn't worth it, I told her the truth and within a few days we were dating. Granted, it was only about 3 days the first time, I finally had one thing straight: I was a legitimate bisexual (pardon the pun).
Then everyone found out and called me a lesbian and I was back in the hole. I didn't want to be a lesbian, not because somehow that was more weird and gay than being a bisexual, but because that wasn't who I was. And I knew that much about myself. I had a lot of internalized oppressive tendencies to confront but at least I had some solid footing in my identity. According to my friends my energy was much gayer in middle school and freshman year and I "struggled" with that (I didn't want to shoo away any cute guys but had to accept that even my bisexual identity was polarizing for some) and now I'm here. I'm 16. I'm very confident in my identity. I'm out to almost all of my friends (except for most of my elementary school pals (including the girl who talked about wlw stuff w me bc she's really homophobic now)), some of their families, and one other adult (she was my counselor in the hospital and after like 5 minutes she was like "and are you LGBT or am I mistaken?" and I had to make sure my mom wasn't lurking around the corner before I said yes, honestly my big gay energy is so powerful), and I may or may not tell my dad before I move out (probably not. I've never been very open with my parents about my social or romantic life. Telling him would probably only make things weird or harder for him to trust me going out and doing things lmao). I felt a part of the community for real when my friend came out to me as bisexual for the first time last month and told me my embrace of it helped her come to terms with her own feelings.
6. I don't know how popular of an opinion this is but finding a label that fit me was really empowering. I played around with the idea of pansexuality and demiromanticism and found that in my specific case they held me back more than they defined me. I felt pansexuality was an unnecessary title to hold with the updated and more fluid and forgiving definition of bisexuality and the biphobic tendencies the community had when trying to empower their base but at the same time who am I to tell someone that their label of choice isn't vaild. I don't give a shit. If it is part of you do you. Have your own normal. Everyone else is weird to everyone else anyway. It won't help to reduce yourself to something you aren't. If labels aren't your shit, splendid for you. If they are, that rocks too. Queer is another label I particularly love. It enforces this no confirmative ideal I have. I didn't even begin to rant about Gender & I. I find the word queer the most empowering label of all in the community, because in whole, we are queer, but we're queer together.
18. I love the memes. Lmao. I love feeling connected enough we can laugh about it together. Growing Up Gay memes in particular made me feel so much better about myself. Those memes where both the guy and gal are attractive. I love the sense of style/lack thereof too. There's this lez senior I already have a crush on who just wears whatever the fuck she wants and idk why but I love it and am so inspired.
#bisexual#asks#bi#bi pride#wlw#queer#growing up gay#pride#love urself!!#gay asks#coming out#lesbian#gay#lgbt#lgbtq#internalized oppression#closeted#am i gay quizzes#bi girl#bi girls#gay girl#gay girls#saturday night live#romance#sexuality#so many tags#gay panic#bi panic#u r vaild#me
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Chapter Fourteen : G AS IN GAY
GAY… MEN ?
It is quite hard to tackle what gay is exactly as it looks simple enough but the specifics are way more complex. If I use it as an umbrella term, it covers men, women, trans men and trans women who happens to identify with this sexual orientation.
Easy then. But the term “gay” was rejected by many lesbian women who wanted to forge an identity on their own aside from the shadows of homosexual men. So today, you can come out as a ‘gay woman’ but never use the word because it is still too broad and tight to people who are not exactly you and have more privileges.
Also, and that’s the really interesting thing about it , the word gay has been favored by homosexual men most of all when describing their sexual orientation. And since I’m trying to cover everyone, I think it’s quite inevitable I begin dissecting what’s closest to one category. Consider this article about Gay Men — sorry, everyone else. You did or will get your due.
SEMANTICS
The word “Gay” is an english word which made its appearance in the 12th century. It comes from the very old french word “Gai”.
“Gai” meant joyful, carefree or bright and showy. A meaning that was incorporated its english counterpart with the now famous Gay Nineties of late 19th century. Gay became a synonym of Homosexual in the 20th century. That’s when it got real sexual. Although to be fair, in certain circles, it was already the case, as someone gay could mean “addicted to pleasures and dissipations”.
One of my favorite movies of all time, Bringing Up Baby (1938) with the exquisite Katharine Hepburn, seems to be the first film to use “gay” in reference to homosexuality. Cary Grant is forced to wear a woman’s feather-trimmed robe when his clothes are sent to the cleaners. To that he says “I just went gay all of a sudden!”. And believe me, he was not in a carefree mood.
The earliest paper trail of the use of gay as homosexuals comes from Alfred A. Gross who said something so vile, I cannot NOT share it with you (as it shows how the world perceived, perceive and keep making us perceive ourselves) : “I have yet to meet a happy homosexual. They have a way of describing themselves as gay but the term is a misnomer. Those (…) are about the saddest people I’ve ever seen”.
If you really go into the specifics of what gay and straight mean, you see the world’s perspective of those “life choices”. Straight means seriousness, respectability, moral. Gay means uninhibited lifestyles and hedonistic values. And I’m not even gonna mention all the euphemisms that were created after the word gay. I already did in a previous article.
GAY AS AN IDENTITY
Gay as an “identity” is not something that is embraced by all. Some find it too clinical, focused more on the physical actions of one rather than his romantic feelings. Some rejects it because they see the undesirable cultural connotations and still-current negative slang usage of the word. Some loathes because it sounds too limited and box-like.
I find it too broad and unfair to the rest of the community. Gay was for so long everyone in the community in the eyes of the general public. Because men were the most flamboyant and out there for so long, they overshadowed the rest of their brothers and sisters and appropriated the word for themselves, forcing the slow built of the acronym L G B T Q + (One letter at a time).
As usual, men (as homosexual as they were) weren’t gonna let space for anyone else.
Now, everything “gay” is a direct reference to homosexual men. A gay bar is mostly directed at bars with men. But let’s be real for a second. As GAY MEN, it is quite hard to forge ourself a proper “identity” with this word as its use has been turn so much against us.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -
“That’s so gay”
This pejorative usage had its origins in the late 1970, as homosexuality was seen (ahah, “was”) as inferior or undesirable. it is still a common phrase for people nowadays. I honestly can’t stand it. EVEN gay people use it and I’m not even sure they grasp the irony of their words. It harms the community by using a common phrase that spreads casual homophobia. Don’t do that, it’s LAME (see, another way to say things. Isn’t it nice?)
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Gay is not an identity. If you are a gay man, or an homosexual man (whatever the term you want to call yourself), you are describing your sexual orientation. Though it is part of your identity, you have a lot more to publicly claim that your love for cock — and if you can only define yourself as a cocksucker, well you’re more narrow than my top, almost-never-bottomed asshole.
“HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF GAY YOU WERE ?”
PINK TRIANGLE
It is commonly accepted that a gay man needs to walk a certain way (or “funny”), talk a certain way (or “girly”) and dress a certain way (or “colorful” which can also describe their personalities). As television and cinema were slowly opening up to the idea of homosexuality, it was shown that a man who loves other man had to show it in every way possible. Be gayer that gay. What’s the point of all your fuss if we, straight people, can’t even recognize you ? The truth is, as I’ve said earlier, gay is not an identity. If you happen to be a homosexual, you identity traits should not be affected by it. Unfortunately, we are a group in constant renewal as we are not born into our community but later join it (or not). And since the world has mostly denied us existence, the only basic structure we have is the simplistic binary heterosexual perception the world has of us. The colorful ones.
Matt Bomer is gay. Liberace was gay. Do you see any specific identity traits between the two of them, beside their sexuality ?
That doesn’t mean you can’t cultivate your feminine traits, be flamboyant and fabulous. But just like everything else, you need to be sure that you have this inside of you because it is you, not because you adapted to the heterosexual gaze.
And that’s just the idea of gayness that has been cultivated by society in general. I now want to talk about the idea of gayness inside the “gay community” (by that I mean gay men).
2. GAY TRIBES
As I was researching the different gay tribes that a gay man can belong to (I don’t know then all by heart since I refuse to adhere to them in any away — although as a younger man I described myself as a bear trapped in the body of a twink), I immediately landed on an article from Fast Company called “An Illustrated Guide to Recognizing Your Gay Stereotypes”. The article was talking about the work of illustrator Paul Tuller who was “reclaiming and celebrating” the archetypes of the gay community. That made my blood boil into supernova-like temperature.
Among those illustrations were the following clichés :
The Bear (a husky, large man with a lot of body hair)
The Twink (a typically younger, thinner, gay man with little or no body hair)
The Twunk (a young gay man who had the face of a twink and the physique of a hunk — jesus…)
The Otter (a typically thinner, hairier gay man)
The Drag Queen (that is a JOB. Do you even understand your community ? shut the fuck up)
There’s also :
the Daddy (a man who is usually middle-aged and had a more dominant personality)
the Jock (a gay man with an athletic build who typically enjoys sports)
the Geek (a gay man with deep and enthusiastic knowledge of one or more hobbies, activities, professional fields or intellectual pursuits)
the Poz (someone who is HIV positive… )
the Discreet (a gay man who is not out)
the Clean-Cut (that’s a way of grooming!)
the Rugged (that’s ALSO a way of grooming!)
The Leather (it’s not an identity itself since it refers to a sexual fetish but whatever)
Those are terms that you can find to describe yourself on dating apps like Grindr (you can only choose one, three if you pay premium access).
Gay man, do you recognize yourself in these ? Off course you do. You can even associate those terms at will and make a comprehensive description of the image you have of yourself and/or the one you want others to have of you. Unfortunately, we are never going to advance as a community and a movement if we keep trying to put our own in little boxes. I do not want someone to come over to me and assume that because I look young and I’m somewhat thin, he gets to fantasize about me or be interest in talking to me because I’m a twink. I don’t want to put into the world that I’m in pursuit of a Daddy Bear with Leather interest ! That’s offensive and reductive.
Why are you willing to do to ourselves what others do to us ?
Don’t you see that the 50-year old cliché of the Fabulous Gay with pink feathers coming out of his ass is just the grandfather of “The Tale of the Bear and the Otter” ? (just made up that name, I need to make a children’s book out of this).
I honestly think that tribes inside a tribe are the most counterproductive artifacts a person can face and it kills the individuality one can have.
That’s just my opinion.
I haven’t even talked out the body issues that comes with the fact that you are gay.
This is what you’re supposed to look like :
That’s the picture perfect image most gay men are looking for on dating apps. To some, if you don’t look like that, you’re not even worth looking at. I mean, I already talked about racism on another article, but this is different. This is what a young 16 year-old think is supposed to be desirable. That’s the goal. Sweet boy, most people don’t look like that. I have fat. I have a little belly. I’m not okay with it but I can’t really fight it. I also believe that the gay community, NOT society, gave me the impression that my body was not enough to be considerable good looking. Sure, I’m cute. But hot ? Never felt that way. If I was a heterosexual man, I do believe that I would not be subjected to that much scrutiny from my sexual partners. And if I feel like that, I’m sure I’m not the only one.
So, “How did you know what kind of gay you were” ?
Young gay boy, you don’t need archetypes to define what kind of gay you are. You need to define what kind of human you are and the rest will follow. Don’t fit into a category put together by the community just like, previous to that situation, you decided not to fit into the category society wanted to put you in (aka straight).
It took me years to know that. Build an independent spirit that is not polluted by pre-conceived notions of gayness.
I hope you let yourself grab that opportunity too.
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