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w0w0zella · 8 months

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um hello!!! im gonna be making a. bugbo murderstuck au Masterpost of sorts! I guess! ill format it like a q&a but im making up some of these questions myself. So lets get into it :3

this is a really long post! b careful :3

"what is murderstuck?" murderstuck is a Bugbo AU that made/am making (complicated wip status lol)! its a story that takes place a month and a bit after the events of familiar foe. Very long story short, gerbo ends up getting killed (on accident), joe then kills bugbo (On purpose) and joe seeks out thomas flyswatter for help. i have a post here that goes more into the story if you'd like to see it! vvv https://www.tumblr.com/w0w0zella/728157783124574208/ill-post-these-together-awawy-from-the-rest-of-the?source=share

currently it is a well defined plot line that i and a couple other people have made art for,, and a work in progress fanfiction!

"why is it called "murderstuck"?"

murderstuck is actually (Believe it or not lol) a Homestuck thing! murderstuck is a specific part in act 5 act 2 of homestuck where one character kills someone and then someone else kills THEM, so i was like Fuck yeah that makes total sense for this au. In all honesty, i just called it that cuz i needed a name to jump back to in discord for easy finding and it. Stuck i guess GIGGLES lol.

i am currently. Semi looking for new name suggestions! so if anyone has any ideas !!! Tell me !! Please !! I have No idea!! ((by the way, because murderstuck is already technically a thing, you need to tag murderstuck posts with #bugbo murderstuck or #bugbo murderstuck au or else it will be drowned out by all the homestuck art :3

(question by geluga on discord) "where did joe get his cleaver ? is it the same way he just happened to have an axe in episode 2 or is it from something else?"

yeah no i didnt really think out him having a meat cleaver lol. lets say thaat. umm. He got it becuase he was preparing bugbo a Yummy Meal (Steak is his Favourite or some shit idk) !!!

i do NOT rmember why i gave him a meat cleaver aswell. If you want a Good answer, the reason i gave him a meat cleaver and not his Trusty Axe is because his axe would have been far too dull and bulky to slit bugbos throat. if you want the TRUE answer Its because i forgot he had an axe at all and thought the meat cleaver would look cool

(question by onyx on discord) "did gj feel bad after The thing or did he feel like totally justified"

AMAZING QUESTION !!!! Gradient Joe feels EXTREME remorse. of course when he looks back on it he knows why he did it, but if we're being completely honest; bugbo was immobilized. he did not need to kill bugbo. if he had killed him while bugbo was choking him, that would be a different story. but he killed him while he was backed up into a tree, immobilized and begging for his life.

he feels extremely bad ! Very extremely bad!

(question from ANON in my ASK BOX) "DUDE I LOVE YOUR AU SM RAUGHHHHH also question uhh where is hoppo in the au? we havent really heard about her"

So. During the events of this au. she is. away. like she usually is. Dont really know where! Shopping at grocery market. back at war. lost at sea. you decide. (More info on hoppo in the next question

(question by kets on discord) "uuhhmmmm what is the absolute WORST ending this au could have realistically?????????? like if it didn't end whene thomas was ocmforting joe idk :3333333"

OKAY i coudl see this one of a couple ways. First way is, bugbo wins. bugbo succeeds in choking joe to death, And now he is alone (til hoppo gets back) i said this one first cuz its probably not the worst possible thing, but i think it would be pretty terrible!

second worst would be if Joe waited for hoppo to come back instead of going to thomas for help. In my humble opinion, i think that hoppo is very stubborn and VERY loyal. so. (to me at least) it stands to reason that if hoppo came back, she would side with bugbo VERY hard. she would probably fucking hate joes guts, and that would be the worst thing for him after everything he already went through. Maybe they would Fight too idk…

Very first worst would be if joe just straight up killed himself after killing bugbo. I could see this as a thing he contemplated, but if he actually went through with it? Oh my god Fucking imagine. all of there corpses there for hoppo to find when she comes back. Thomas rotting away in his lair without anyone to talk to (and without knowledge of bugbos death) for years? Devastating.

other notable endings include Joe OR bugbo Killing themselves directly after gerbos death, hoppo ending up killing joe out of anger when she comes back, Or (In a silly alternate universe that We made on Disc Ord…) bugbo comes BACK to life and DRAGS himself to go kill joe HIMSELF!!!!!!

(question by DEMO on DISCORD) "is gradient joe book smart or money smart" i am going to kill myself and its your fault i think. never speak to me again (Joke)

NOTABLE INFORMATION:

as stated before, you need to tag murderstuck posts with #bugbo murderstuck or #bugbo murderstuck au or else it will be drowned out by Homestuck stuff !! i want to see all of your art and things!! Thank you!!

you are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WELCOMED AND ENCOURAGED to make stuff surrounding this au! Please Please Show It To Me!!!

if you are drawing During Fight or. During Murdering bugbo or joe, here are some things to note! - bugbo attempts to choke joe to death during a part in the fight, and he almost succeds! This causes Permanent scarring on gradient joes neck, and scratch marks all over bugbos arms from joe clawing at them!!!

- joe ends the fight with his shirt partially open and his tie missing!

- joe breaks bugbos right leg! there is a noticable gash on his inner right knee!

- joe kills bugbo by slitting his throat with a meat cleaver!- after joe is done, he drags bugbos body over to where gerbo died! (he was crushed by the fallen Stone Structure!)

thank you all so much for the love and support with this au It means so much to me. thank you from the botom of my hart. IF YOU HAVE ANY COOL IDEAS, MORE QUESTIONS, OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANNA SHOW/TELL ME, MY MESSAGES AND ASK BOX ARE ALWAYS OPEN!!!!!!

#bugbo #bugbo series #bugbo murderstuck #bugbo murderstuck au #bugbo bensilly #bugbo au #gerbo #gradient joe #thomas flyswatter #hoppo #bugbo gerbo #bugbo gradient joe #bugbo thomas flyswatter #bugbo hoppo #THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH #rambles

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sonny-whorezik · 4 months

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haiii ... like a week short of a month since i left everything.... i just wanted to use as Journal and catch up before i do Fully return to social media, gettin rid of the app after this post yet again:

has . been . rough. grief has been consistent the last month from my best friend and now ex leaving me, losing that new job due to being physically sick from grief and being unemployed an additional month, my best best friend my dog, sage, passed away last friday and although i left to drive to kansas i just didn't make it in time. She has wind chimes over her grave and passed listening to the sound of the wind chime my great grandma left for me. two days after her passing marked the First Full Year since my grandpa passed away, i had a dream the night before where we drove around looking at christmas lights with people no longer in my life and he just looked so so sad. i am consistently physically alone; i facetime a couple friends but i go outside alone, sleep/wake up alone, eat alone, this has been going on since i left arizona in november Most of my time is spent completely alone.

ive tried new habits. i meditate and stretch in the morning and night. i read a page a day of a stoicism book my dad got me last year with a propeller hat. i see a therapist weekly, wake up earlier, even floss now. The complete back to back to back grief has left me no choice but to just Do Something. while i would Love to share something with someone its best i reserve it to myself, yet here i am vacantly sharing my last month to who knows who...

my friend invited me to see stop making sense last night in a farther town, showed the original film not the remastered and general admission was all standing and everyone acted as if it was a real concert dancing and singing. this was my 6th time seeing it in a theater. did not cry once yet celebrated the experience i have had and although i will never have anything quite like i did with someone quite like them, at least i had it for a good portion of my life. had to devote this must be the place to myself, foreign. to be completely transparent, i do miss them every day. i do not cry like i used to, i dont let myself get consumed by thought and feeling, ive grown more desensitized as time has passed, but i still miss them of course. i consistently see things that remind me of them even when theyre not on my mind and when sage died i wanted to reach out so terribly; reminisce of the fort we built where she slept with us and i had no one to talk to but my mom who was with her til the end. i didnt. i havent reached out. it is not my place given they were the one to leave i just will not keep reaching out and chasing someone who sounded so blatantly apathetic on our last phone call. i tell myself it was just a form of self preservation to them but yknow. like. that's it, i have no choice but to experience grief with self compassion and continue on, wherever that goes.

i may be starting TMS treatment , having magnets zap my brain 5 days a week, 6 weeks. i see a cardiologist on the 30th since my chest frequently hurts and both ekgs have concerns in the pause between beats. my pulse at resting is consistently around 120 yet my blood pressure is fine; who knows. well i guess ill know actually in 10 days. im finishing a vape, got a full pack of cigarettes ive yet to touch yet plan to quit smoking here soon in hopes it helps. maybe after my pack to eliminate temptation yet not waste my money... i bought it an hour before sage passed. i barely drink coffee and dont use energy drinks anymore i do what i can for my heart now.

atticus still sleeps with me, most nights. sometimes he wanders the living room when i cant sleep. im almost halfway through galapagos. i washed my sheets for the first time since buying them in august. im very much alone and this is all fine i tell myself. the stoicism has encouraged me to alter my perspective on things more rationally as opposed to the wired self deprecating and depression-based "take everything personally" thought processes ive had for 18 years. im on my phone significantly less and i even wrote a piece on piano i may share after this post. ive been transposing it to cello, my grandma requested.

i have no interest in perusing anyone anytime soon still, whether its still too early or what i think i do just Need to do these things alone for a while. ive never found sole stability in others, i learned this at 6 with my dad, yet while outside aid would help, it is not a requirement to live however. forgive me for how long this is and for leaving once again there are a few of you i used to talk to daily and now ive just got a few contacts in my phone.

despite chronic mental illness, mourning, loneliness, you name it, ive never taken this approach before. i will typically have a suicide attempt yet here i am doing a pancake stretch and ommm-ing every morning. i keep as busy as i can, today i went through every single thing i own to sort donations and the day before i deep cleaned. there is a box wrapped in a blanket of some of the things that remind me of them. i went through it today and brought out some things like the books theyve given me, it doesnt hurt as much anymore to remember. im donating the mugs i never gave them and the one theyd use at my house when theyd come over. all their letters havent been reread yet sit in between the photo of us in the cave. it was nice to see. i am so honored they let me, of all people, share these experiences with them. i am more thankful it happened then miserable itll never happen again; at least i had it for a while. i say this yet if a year passes and i hear from them, i would love to reconnect: hear how their life has been, what they've been doing, how their family is and if they are doing better. if this has helped. while for 6 years i believed they were really it for me, whether we ever dated or not ive always considered them the only one who Really Knew who i was, how i worked, you name it. although im "moving on" by taking care of myself more, it is upsetting to admit if i ever have a chance again, id take it in a heartbeat. i say this yet still believe Even if i do never get a chance, that's okay too. While i would, i dont anticipate it, rely on it, sit in denial "theyll surely come back," its alright if they never do. i live each day as if they never will yet to my core do know that i would try again

a knee ways .. i hope you, whoever reads, is doing okay, that you feel alright and what not. you dont have to feel good every day, but at the least alright i hope ... not sure if/when ill come back maybe just once a month im unsure yet .was just in a solid enough state to do this for a moment . wish you all well ,

#story

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lvxybby · 9 months

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it kills me to love you (Kai Anderson x Reader) Angst (it will get better <3)

Ive been part of kais cult for about 4 weeks now. we have known each other before his cult was formed. its been 5 months since he gathered people to join, but he never told me about it until he proposed the idea for me to join. me and kai have always been big on getting things our way and if that didnt happen, there would be consequences for the person. but never killing them. or at least that idea was never in my mind. i dont know about him. i dont know much about him anymore. hes gone mad. absolutely crazy. and theres this woman. Meadow. Meadow Wilton. That stuck up bitch. And she is all over kai. i mean all over him. it goes from doing his hair. to sitting on his lap. to all out make out sessions between them. and me? im jealous as FUCK cause of it. that fucking bitch. ive loved and cared for kai for 2 years! i have given him every last bit of my attention. but he turns a blind eye every SINGLE time. but meadow. oh no...she slits some guys throat and "oh dear god meadow! your the best! you've done so much for me!" In kais eyes. fuck him. im DONE with his bullshit. "Kai!" i heard winter shout from downstairs. "Kai! meadow is here!" she shouted again. i heard very quick, heavy steps walk in front of my door than trail down the stairs. i sighed before grasping my journal to doodle in. my pencil lead dwindled as i drew on the plain white paper. i pressed harder as i drew faster. and faster. the grey color faded into a shiny black as i drew more lines. i stopped to enjoy my drawing. ive been good at drawing since i was about 13 and took art classes in middle school. the drawing was just a really detailed drawing of some spirals, something in really like to draw. but now...i wasnt feeling it. i closed the book shut and threw it across the room. i focused on the sounds around me. i focused more and more. on the sounds. "kai! oh kai yes!" i heard very muffled through the walls. why couldnt i cry out his name like that. did he not want me around? did i not do enough for him? ive been TRYING for years to please him! i cant stand to be in the same house with meadow and now im barely able to be with him. i couldnt bear to hear meadows moans for longer. i stuff my phone into my pocket and grab my tiny bag that has my wallet and other essentials in it. i walk downstairs and see winter on the couch. "where you heading?" she asked. "i dont know... anywhere but here...i cant stand your brother anymore..." i said before walking out the door. i walked for a bit before coming across a nice park. im slightly familiar with it cause they have some bird feeders, and me and kai along with everyone else poisoned them all around the city. i sat on one of the benches. after about 30 minutes my phone began to buzz. i looked at it and saw kai was calling. i also saw he left 12 messages, that i had unopened. i looked at the screen before answering. i took a deep breath in. "hello" i said. "where the fuck are you?! why havent you opened my messages?!" he shouted through the phone. "kai dont yell at me...talk to me" i said a bit angered. "no fuck that! answer my da-" he was cut off as i hung up with him. oh fuck im in trouble.

#part 2 soon #kai anderson #kai anderson x reader #american horror story kai anderson

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princemick-archive · 2 years

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uh??? okay so, 1k???? so fucking rad man god that's cool, it's been like 7 months and already being at 1k is just rad as hell so thank you all sm for the love and support!!

now I'm gonna be cheesy and give a big s/o to some amazing moots I've met if u don't care for that don't go under the cut.

then it's just a big thank you and I'm gonna do a celebration gif request thing so look out for that post later!!!

so okay so you know it, your mom knows it, we all know who I'm doing first, my two favorite people on this godforsaken website

@antogioamoremio Fran, baby, I love you so much ur the glue that keeps our lil insane throuple together you're so kind and so caring and I can always talk to you about anything and it's so incredible to call you a friend. Your creativity and love and the way you always just get me is so fucking important to me. the calls we've had are forever burned into my brain as core memories and you are just so fucking important to me I can't express it in the right words.

@gruaigruaa Niamh, the third to our trouple my wife, you're incredible and so creative and good and the braindumps we've had w the three of us about insane aus and ships and it's so wonderful to have you in my life and I'm so fucking thankful for that. I can't imagine my life without you two rn. I can always talk, rant, scream to you two and I know you'll understand, react, respond in the way i need you two and I'm so happy i have that.

@spygate Luna, ur insane in the most affectionate way possible, everytime I get that notif that just goes 'kyle' I know I'm in for at least another hour of laughing at your texts and I love having that with you and you're so fun and easy to talk to and I love having you around so much.

@oscar-piastri Cassy, I'm pretty sure I've tagged u in every single milestone celebration I've ever done on this website. we've been mutuals for I'm guessing 4 to 5 years now which is insane and we just started talking bc of F1 and it's so fun to have u around and you're so insanely creative and I can always talk to you about ideas and edit shit and that's so incredibly amazing.

@acrosstobear amanda dude, we havent even been moots for to long but U deserve a special s/o for being the mick blog and giving me updates about him on the tl and feeding me so so well you're one of the the reasons I'm insane over mick so u deserve extra love

and then I'm just gonna talk about the two GCs because that's like a lot of people and they're like a lil heap.

watchpartygc: y'all, because of them I really got into F1, I learned so much and found out the coolest shit and I was so scared and intimidated when I first got into the GC bc I was so new but I was welcomed so quickly and I'm so happy to have y'all, you're the easiest group of people to talk to and I'm so happy to call y'all friends.

chircusgc: u lot are insane, haven't been in this GC for long but the time I have has been amazing and so funny and y'all are such a funny and creative group of people who bring out the best and worst in eachother, y'all are so easy to talk to and I'm so happy to have joined yall

and then the tags of all he amazing moots who I wanna thank for being here the last months who have been amazing and kind and supportive and just wonderful most of y'all are like heaped into those GCs (if I forgeot a gc member im so sorry aksjdb) so ajdbdkd anyway ya thank u all are wonderful, those that are in here and not in the gc's so many smootches to you thank you for all the love and support

@multi-2-1 @ivettel @gnmick @estiebestieban @gewistruther @mickstart @meova101 @vettelsbitch @andysrobertson @teamgreenheart @c2stan @gncharles @albertparkgp @balaclavalines @balaclavacharles @ferrariprince @brixworthbrackley @andreagrimes

if I forgot any of ya'll I'm so sorry all my moots are so amazing and wonderful and all the gc members especially ya'll make this lil fandom worth it

#kyle.txt #kyle.milestones #so rad yall ty ty ty

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tea-and-secrets · 1 year

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July always makes me sad

In 2014 I had an online group of friends and we were as close as possible for around 2 years

We had the best of times together. We watched movies every weekend, called almost every day, the chat was always on fire. We loved each other and had a really, really strong bond

In 2015 we decided we'd meet up in July 2018, when all of us were at least 18. We made plans and looked forward to it, even 3 years into the future

But in 2016 we just... fizzled out, you know? Life got in the way, we grew older, responsibilities, we talked less and less. Some minor fights happened bc ~mental health~ and by 2017 we didnt really talk anymore. Havent spoken to them in years

July 2018 was the saddest month of my life. The plans we made, how much we looked forward for it, gone.

Now every july is bitter. I keep thinking "we were supposed to meet up x years ago", every year. The friendships were the best 2 years of my life and i still mourn the end of our group. I know its part of life, but bleh.

I just hope theyre all doing well. They were really important to me, and ill always cherish them.

July 2023: hey dudes, we were supposed to meet up 5 years ago. Time sure fucking flies

#long post

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foryourownbosom · 2 years

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Favorite Laukids headcannons?

hi anon ! so sorry im answering this just now, life has been chaos with uni and i havent had the time to properly respond 😔 BUT THIS IS MY FAV ASK EVER SKFJKSFGDSG ITS MY TIME TO SHINE .

ALRIGHT. i have LOTS of fav headcanons,,,, probably too many. based on the number i am ashamed to admit how much time i waste thinking about this family. so, im gonna *try* to pick some of my favourites and write them below! (beware, this is gonna be long. because of that, the headcanons are gonna be under a cut for anyone who might actually be interested in reading them 😭) to the ones who do, enjoy <3

SO OKAY my favourite headcanon of them all (and the one that i believe i kind of,,, developed the most?) is that each sibling had a specific flower name as a nickname, all chosen by eleanor. i like to think that based on the traits and personality she saw in her children, eleanor would pick a flower whose symbolism matched with the child in question. when calling them, she would adress the children by those flowers (eg. calling jack "my sunflower", nelly "my little magnolia", etc!)

in the case of polly for example (the last one born shortly before eleanor's death), polly had "sweet pea" as a name. eleanor knew she wasnt going to live much longer but still wanted to continue the tradition of nicknaming her babies, so she chose a flower whose symbolism typically means strength, departures and goodbyes. according to the symbolism, sweet peas mean "thank you for a lovely time”. eleanor wanted to, at least, thank polly for the time she could spend together with her last baby, as short as it was. (i wont get into details about every nickname bc i would ramble for too long 😭- i really wanna make a separate post or smth explaining that one day kdjgksdgd,,, but thats mainly the reason why the laukids have a specific flower for each of them when i drew the charts :"))

alright so thats the *main* headcanon i have. here are some other fav hcs that are not that,, extense KDJSKAF. they are pretty much random thoughts i collected throughout time:

one night, way past their bedtimes, nelly and patsy swore they saw ghosts on the graveyard while going outside to play. they swore to never sneak out and go out to play at night ever again

henri, john and nelly (ages 5, 4 and 3) would often make "mud stew" on poodles after it rained with literally anything they could find.

their favourite games were playing pirates, climbing, and playing hide & seek behind the oak trees

john slipped from a pretty high branch that bruised his knee. that left a big scar on his left leg that even as an adult was still visible

nelly was the first one of the girls who started playing the harpsicord, and patsy followed after her sister. nelly would teach her simple little melodies and play together sometimes. after nelly passed away, john usually sat by patsy's side when she played so she wouldn't be alone. he couldn't play of course, but he tried singing to accompany patsy on the little melodies she learned by her late sister

john had really good hearing and could replicate bird sounds with high accuracy. that caused the birds to usually come very near him and to not fly away. patsy called john a "bird whisperer" because of that

kids patsy and john once found an egg below a tree, and brought it home to take care of it. it turned out to be a carolina parakeet, and patsy named her iris. they taught her,,, french curse words. and thought it was the funniest thing ever. after a few months, they set her free

polly has the record for the sibling that broke jars and china cups the most (followed by jemmy, but he would argue that those were harry's fault)

also, now that we are on the topic of harry and jemmy: although most of the time they were inseparable partners in crime, sometimes they would fight over really small things (but to them of course, those things were. pretty big deals™) one some occasions, they were so crossed with each other that they would sit the furthest from one another at the table, and used john as their messenger for days bc they refused to speak directly to the other. they would exchange Very Serious Angry Letters across the room as if they were two opposed kingdoms, and john was in the middle delivering those letters. john always succeeded on the mission to cease the fights though, and as soon as he would fall for a prank, he annoyingly (but happily) knew jemmy and harry befriended again

jemmy once beat harry on a game of marbles (harry was considered the best player among the siblings) and harry was so frustrated he swore to never play again. (that promise lasted, of course, less than a week. and that jemmy victory was probably the reason why they didn't speak to each other for days)

when john was a toddler he once doodled over an entire set of letters of henry sr and he had to start all over again from scratch. that child had 0 awareness of space and he thought literally everything was a potential canvas to draw on-

he also probably drank paint water while using watercolors too many times ,, (artists' culture for ya)

the Main Kids (john, patsy, harry and jemmy) would often organize little plays where they created stories and whole worlds/kingdoms with their characters in it. at night, they couldn't be as loud so with the help of candles they played by creating shadows on the walls

harry stopped two of his siblings from eating,,, questionable AND dangerous things by pure luck . one, when toddler jemmy wanted to eat a worm. and two, when he stopped john from eating a poisoned berry. (the latter was originally a bit dark though so i wont elaborate much)

jemmy was almost 6 years old when he sailed with john and henry sr to europe for schooling (harry joined a bit later), so i headcanon that his first tooth fell around that time while on port, and he rushed to john and showed it to him :")

jemmy doodled the three of them (he and his two older brothers) on a piece of paper, and john almost cried. he kept the drawing safe on one of his books so it wouldn't get lost or damaged

eleanor would always sing lullabies to the kids before bed because it help them wind down. after eleanor's gone, the siblings usually asked john to sing to them because he was the one who knew and remembered the melodies the most. while abroad in europe, john promised harry and jemmy that he would keep singing them for as long as he could.

john finds comfort in the fact that, at least, the last thing jemmy heard was a lullaby from his mother, sang by john. he hoped that it brought him peace for one last time.

when john, harry and jemmy were finally joining patsy and polly in europe, little polly was euphoric and was literally asking every 5 minutes when were their brothers arriving. polly had no memory of them as they all sailed when she was a baby, so of course the excitement was over the roof. when she finally met her brothers, she was glued to them, specially john. polly asked for piggyback rides and races all the time, as well as asking his brother how to do "fencing with sticks" which he delightfully obligued to provide lessons.

polly also made everyone attend and wear dresses to her Very Fancy Tea Party™ once

polly is the #1 candy theft. harry, the #1 victim of her robbery.

during the war, john liked to stay up really late and sleep by the fireplace of headquarters, as he sometimes did that with his siblings. he would also keep things that reminded him of home

later on her life, patsy would tell stories and memoirs of her childhood with john to both frances and polly. her own children would listen as well and would wonder what it would've been like to have met him

this is all for now! if you made it this far, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. i love you dearly, truly 😭😭😭💖💖 thanks for coming to my TED talk my fingers are sore from typing a

#ask #laurens family #laurens siblings #laukids #headcanons #the laukids brainworms are at their peak tonight im afraid..........#these are like. 10% of them but i really didnt wanna make this immensely long😔#this is literally a laukids headcanon masterpost i swear JAHKDJDK #ALSO most of these headcanons are wips that i never finished bc my commitment is. non-existent. sorry🥲#hope you enjoyed!! and literally the biggest thank you anon for this question #it was my time to shine and absolutely infodump my silly little thoughts about them

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mrkis · 1 year

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So I have this story I want to share cause sometimes and opinion from a "stranger" can be more helpful. 😅

Basically, yesterday I received a message from an ex-colleague of mine (havent seen/talked to him in over 2 years). I had shared a funny real about "manifesting a sugar daddy" this year and he reacted to it and then asked if I find one to ask him where he can find a sugar mama, and I totally jumped on his joke and replied, however, I didnt expect for any further communication but man did he keep going. He kinda started flirting to which I started hyperventilating cause I havent spoken to him in years and it was all happening so damn fast..😵‍💫 He started complimenting me and saying I have what it takes to catch a guy's attention, that I cook well and its a full package deal (I have brought pancakes and brownie at work before and he has eaten it). And it was both flatering but also confusing. As you can tell he was making a move on me and was very clear with his intention for a hook up, cause he kept saying how he wouldnt turn me down if I asked and what not.

The crazy part comes here - he asked me how long has it been for me since the last time I had sex since I told him I dont do hook ups and I kinda lied and said that its been 5 years since I have been single for this long, but the thing is I actually still have my V card at age 25 ... 🫣 I have some experience, like I have went 2nd base with my ex (no blowjob tho) but still back then I didnt feel comfortable with him to go all the way so nothing ever really happened.

Dont get me wrong, Im not ashamed of being a virgin, but I am tired of the fear of admitting it to dudes, cause society has made it to be a bad thing when its not. Anyway, you can imagine how shocked he was at that and he even asked if at least I "help myself with the stress" and obviously I do, so there is that, but despite me saying I cant do one night stands because of this moral boundary he kinda kept going on how I should try it at least so that I dont regret it later in life and mentioned he wanted to "make me an offer". To that I said he is kinda late, cause well we dont even live in the same city anymore (I moved) and I also said that we can meet up for coffee but I cant give him what he wants from me. He was respectful of it, thank god, but my brain is my own villain. I now overthink shit and feel like I made a good and bad decision at once, cause horny me really wants to have sex and mind you I have always been sexually attracted to him. I had a crush on him for a month back in 2020 which was awoken because of a sex dream I had. I think he also had a crush on me later that year cause he kinda sorta asked me out to dinner during work but I thought it was a joke and reacted to it like a fucking loser (in my defense I was also on a call with a client /call center job). So we do have history, I also think we've always had this sexual energy and frustration but neither acted on it until well yesterday.

Moral me is saying I did the right choice, cause I want my first time to be with someone special and to mean sth, not be a hook up. Horny me is mad cause I was basically offered dick on a silver plate and said no ... 😩🙃

Sorry to drop this on you Cas, but I feel so comfortable sharing this with you 😅 I guess this blog is my safety place in so many aspects. ❤️

Also, how you doing, lovely? ❤️

for starters, his approach was kinda odd straight off the bat. don’t get me wrong, i’ve had conversations with people i haven’t talked to in awhile abt random shit and joked around with memes and whatnot, but the fact that you haven’t spoken in two years and he went into this conversation asking such personal questions rubs me the wrong way completely.

compliments are great, sometimes you cant go wrong with them and they do make you feel great, but the fact he was complimenting you just for a potential hookup is where it gets gross. there was…. no need, whatsoever. it shocks me how he was moving the conversation so fast lmao.

him asking abt the last time you’ve had sex is so…. eh. ew. sorry. it is. like, he doesn’t need to know this!!! at all!!! and it’s completely ok to be a virgin at whatever age. society shouldn’t shame people who are, it’s so silly. it has nothing to do with them. you shouldn’t be afraid of admitting it either, but of course that’s easier said than done. but trust me when i say that people (men, in your case) actually don’t give a shit abt whether you’re a virgin or not. you may think they do due to how society treats it, but they do not care. before i lost my virginity and was talking to this guy i liked, i had to admit that i was a virgin because i was scared of our relationship going further and that he might expect something from me. and he just looked at me like 🤨 and went “that’s ok? idc, it doesn’t bother me”. they don’t care! i promise! and if they do, they can go fuck themselves

“help yourself with the stress” what are these questions he’s asking😐 im so baffled rn. truly. this is unbelievable. and hold on….. tf does he mean abt “you might regret it later in life”??? what??? not experiencing a one-night stand??? tf??? why would he think you might regret something like that when you’ve made it perfectly clear you’re not into stuff like that🤨 crazy fucking behaviour.

personally, i think you made a good decision. because even though that turned on, horny side of you is wanting to have sex, that’s not exactly the real you, yk? you, normally, just wants to wait for that special someone that you connect with and that’s completely ok. you can wait for as long as you please. you control it. nobody else, please remember that.

and don’t feel sorry abt dropping this on me. i’m happy i can be some sort of safe space. you, and anyone else who is comfortable, can always come to me and vent/rant. i truly don’t mind. i’m all ears🖤

and i’m ok!!! i’ve been in my head recently and overthinking my own stuff and putting myself in bad moods but that’s my fault completely😭 i’m hoping that this new therapist i’m getting will be of help because when i get comfortable, they’re gonna hear some shit😭😭

#‣ [asks]#jaehyuns-adorable-dimples ⛧

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dancing-cockroaches · 1 year

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A bitch finally snapped. I have two friggin jobs plus the jobs of every doctor I go to apparently. Apparently I'm the only competent human within a 500 mile radius.

Every doctor I go to, the office staff cant tell their ass from their elbow but I'm just gonna limit myself getting pissed to what has happened in the last month alone. I had a Neurology appt. They sent a referral for MRI. Simple enough, right? No. My MRI was cancelled day of because they didnt receive all necessary clinical forms from my neurologist. I call my neurologist. Apparently I have no followup. I have a card on my desk for Jan 10th but nope, when I called back they said "nope you dont have a follow up. We can schedule you for Jan 15th" ok sure whatever I'll take it. I get transferred to some other dept to get them to send the clinicals. I leave a voicemail. Call back the next day, "oh it looks like you dont have a follow up. We are all booked for January, we have Feb 15th". Now I'm more mad, but not like I can do jack shit about it. Nevada sucks. They tell me they're going to send over the clinicals.

Two weeks later, I call the radiology office. They still havent received it. I get the fax number and call my neurologist back. They say "they need the referral?" "No, they need clinical forms" "what do they need?" Now a bitch snapped. I was ready to rip the skin off my body. Nice bitch left the building "I dont know, why dont you call them? Why am I doing your job for you? Why is nobody coordinating a simple fucking referral correctly? Do you need me to come in and do your job for you? Is that where we're at? What forms do they need.. ain't that yall job to know?"

I was especially mad because my dentist pulled some tomfoolery as well. I got work done. Very expensive work. It took several months to do, I just assumed it was all billed at once. I dont know, I only worked in a dental office for like 2 months, it's not exactly my strength. It's not my job to do their job, I thought they had it handled. I go in today, and they say "we see you didnt have insurance for two of your visits. The delta dental didnt cover two of the claims so you'd receive a large bill if we dont get updated info" (my work had to be done in different visits, and I had to pay a large amount of money so I assumed that was all I had to do on my end. Stupid, I know). I pull up my phone to find my insurance info for Feb/March. As I was leaving, it started to hit me. What the fuck?? Everytime I've worked with billing or insurance verification, it is done before every visit or at least before a very expensive visit. When I was in billing I literally checked eligibility before any claims was sent, everytime. It takes 5 fuckin minutes to do, if you dont have hot air for a brain. How the shit does this go unchecked for 10 fucking months??? Why was I not contacted about this months ago?? Do I really need to micromanage every office I see a doctor at now since this shit just keeps happening all the fucking time?? Can I never think "they should have two brain cells left to be able to properly bill my visit without oversight" ever again??

#and my psychiatrist overcharged me for months because they thought they didnt take my insurance WHEN THEY FUCKING DID #i ended up getting a call like oops remember when we said we were out of network well we are not HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP

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makahimetenshi · 4 months

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Two separated ways - Chapter 12 - Arthur Maxson x Female Sole Survivor x Paladin Danse Fallout 4 Fanfic

Im thinking in deleting the first two chapters and reupload them with a new title, after all I have a continuation for that story also, kinda the same love triangle where they have children in the middle but different plot. So this fic and url only will be How i meet your mother and the story of how Arya Maxson was conceived, the one already uploaded with that fic will have the note that is chapter 3, I think ill upload there the next porn chapters

If you are very very very delighted with one fic and want a continuation I didn’t write or post you can donate me at least $5 bucks, most of this fics have next chapters I don’t finish because lack of motivation but hey a $5 is a $5, I see a few reviews and comments that fics that are abandoned months laters receive comments of wanting to know what happens next. Here it is, I finished my handling with you all, enjoy the fic

Arthur called Danse for a meeting, a schedule meeting, to not being such an asshole of interrupting his dutys to talk about her, after all it wasn’t a pleasant theme of conversation for any of them for lately the same reasons.

Danse stood in front of the door, sighing, he had been walking around wanting time to pass and Arthur to give up and leave but no, apparently he was still there in his office and my god he really didn't want to talk he didn’t even liked him that much. And besides, he already knew that he was going to start this conversation again.

His failed love story, but now someonelse is experiencing it.

So he knocked, the sooner he end this chat the better.

-Welcome Paladin, I found some boxes of Junk food to share and I thought –said Arthur opening the door with his best smile.

-Go to the point Arthur, what now?

To not love her he was kinda salty about the Nora subject, and he hasn’t mentioned her yet. He missed the days were the two of them were good friends actually.

First he coughed a little to make him understand that he should go to into the damn office and not be rude. Danse sighed and went inside, taking a seat in the chair in front of the desk.

-I actually called you to apologize, asshole –now the paladin felt bad for whatever the reason was- you were right about a lot of things im just starting to see now

He sat on his side on the desk and throw the box of junk food to the paladins hands, who open it and place it in the middle of the table feeling bad about his hostile behavior

-I tried to warn you –said the paladin picking a potato crisp

-Im sorry, I thought you were exaggerating, I thank you very much for wanting to let me know

Silence, Danse eat another potato crisp.

-Its okay, she is someone you really want at your side –couldn’t blame him, Nora was a catch.

-You really try to love her over and over, try and try but then she…

-Does fucked up things, multiple times in a row –Danse hand hit a bit the desk in frustration, definitely not a planned reaction, came out of resentment-crushes all your efforts to not feel bad and disturbed every time like it was your fault that she is unbalanced

Arthur stay in silence for a moment before talking.

-I havent seen anything super bad yet but…I had some scary moments –Danse looked at him- lets keep it that way

-What are you guys up to? –ask Danse wanting to be clear and know where he was standing.

-We are pregnant right now, two weeks…-the way his nose swelled as he breathed and filled his lungs was almost comical, even his face had turned red, but he exhaled all that air to calm down and then pressed his forehead with his fingers.

-Let me guess –if he didn’t find a logical explanation he will have a heart attack- the council was pressuring you

-Of course but she also offer herself to me –said Arthur now picking potato crips to eat. Danse heard and sighted

-Truly the only reason we are not together its because im infertile

-You are? –wow he didn’t know that, not with his confirmation at least

-Remember when I passed out three years ago? I offered to enter a place with a lot of radiation in her place and sacrifice myself to activate some controls so we could get out of a chamber in which we were trapped, in the end Nora got me out of there I don't know how-he remember, it was a mess because she was screaming desperate for help when they arrived at the citadel gates that noon, the weeks she stay at his side while in treatment make him sad for her, he really rooted for Danse to get better so she wouldn’t fucking die of sadness if something happened to his friend-but I was there for about 3 weeks in treatment, obviously from then on I became sterile, I did tests not long after I was already recovered-Danse at 49 was doing fertility test to check if he could still knock up Nora and he was panicked about letting more time pass how funny- I don't know if I would have been sterile before because we had sex more times than my fingers can count and I never got her pregnant but the test is my formal confirmation of infertility, is in my medical record. Not long after I told her the news we stopped having sex together, I was very determined not to let her get her romantic hopes up so we weren't doing it but she at least stopped insisting on that aspect, she kept trying to get me to I fall in love with her many times but she no longer insisted on me in a sexual way, at first I thought she was afraid of catching some disease from radiation remnants or cancer in me but soon I realized that…

-She wanted something else –they have a long history together and he was in the middle.

-Started talking more about Shaun and how beautiful her pregnancy was, that she was having the time of her life with her baby more and more often–Danse sighted looking at the ceiling- the only reason im not hooked with her its because I cant knock her up clearly, of course if I get her pregnant I would be responsible of our kid despite our feelings not being mutual.

-You would be happy that way? A kid with her despite you don’t want anything romantic?

-Well –Danse looked at him and pick more potato crips- are you?

-Answer the question paladin –said Arthur now feeling his tongue salty and dry, damn he was thirsty.

-I think I would be a great dad –of course he will be- both will work to be great parents and protect that kid that’s for sure, it would be fun. Besides I understand your point back then, she is prewar, a kid with her genes is a guantantee of excellent health

-But to be at her side?

-If there is something that definitely does not make a couple fall in love, it is a child in between, it could even separate us more, but you are right, it is an excuse for us to be together and make everything uncomfortable, so that she can insist more on me –he saw a weird look on Arthurs eyes-don’t get me wrong im 100% sure that she is going to be an affectionate mother despite everything

-I don’t know –Arthur sighted sliding his back into his chair- I don’t know her enough

-Then why do you agree?

-The council said that the quality of my sperm could decrease if I keep waiting, and she has…such charming…

-Indeed –now Danse sighted also sliding his back into his chair- she can be nice and loving like a wastelander never experienced in their whole lifes

-Exactly! –hu this conversation was helping in a lot of levels

-It catches –Danse admitted, biting on his lip- I never wanted to give up

-What do you mean?

-Everytime she snapped and do something horrible it was like a failure to me, it hurts me that she was never stable enough for me not to feel guilty about wanting to be next to someone who did those things, I never wanted to purposely think I don’t what to correspond this woman feelings, specially if she wanted me

-the probability of finding someone to love in the wastelands and that person being strong for that love to last is so low and yet…-again, he pick a potato crisp and ate.

-I made this choice and it hurts everyday to hold it –then he looked at Arthur- im glad to see im not alone

-Like I said I haven’t see yet anything so bad…

-Eventually you will –he assured

-She is still into you

-Despite asking me to go and clarify things because I ruined everything? –the elder nodded and pick more potato scrips- are you into her?

-Not if she isn’t even going to try but…its hard –Danse get what he means, she is what every strong man wants at his side

-I am not going to advise you to try to make her fall in love with you, she has been lost for me for 10 years even though I have rejected and pushed her away repeatedly –then he picked potato crisp while stretching his legs on the floor

-It’s a waste of time then –the paladin agree. Arthur wanted to grab more potato crips but the box was not empty, they really ate everything hu

-I hope you both find what you are looking for -that came from his heart, he said it without resentment at all.

-As you will not satisfy any of her desires

-Not that desires at least –they stay in silence when noticed that the box of potato crips were empty but something snap in Danse mind- where is she right now?

-Tenpenny Tower, you sure are aware –the paladin nodded. Very aware of her plans and ambitions. She always craved for more. Being the top rank of the brotherhood wasn’t enough, he dedicated more than half of his life to the brotherhood but she wanted more than that, so much more than what he aspired.

-You should go and see her –that call the elders attention, didn’t expect it.

-Why? –he blinked, he was still a bit in love with her but yet…

-Be careful because if you are not around then she will somehow want more.

After the paladin leave he made a realization, so he showered and get on a ventibird to Tenpenny Tower.

He was received on the heliport by Nora itself who was wearing a Pre-War casualwear and that annyoyed him, she should be in some kind of armor or protection at least the last time he was here people were not happy with her presence

-Elder what are you doing here? –she said picking his hand and running away from the fuss and sand the ventibird raised up to a place were they can’t feel much the washout. He left his escorts and guards behind in the ventibird too, he planned to be inside the tower all by himself? No protection? The people who bring him here will stay back and wait until he leaves? That didn’t sound right…

-I came to dinner…our usual dinner –when he said that she sighted, didn’t expect that.

-Oh –their hairstyles were a mess right now, she raised her hand to fix his a bit on the side- it’s a bit early yet but we can walk around…-was he really going to trust her to be his guard? Weird

-Sounds like a great idea –he said but she had an odd face while touching his hair- what’s wrong?

-You are dressed too elder again, lets change your clothes

-I kinda arrived in a brotherhood ventibird –he saw how she bite the insides of her cheek but smiled anyway. There was also tincans in the back waiting…

-Well I don’t need more people assuming that the elder its here, could be any other soldier –she smiled and place his hair behind his ear, the little she can do here-lets go upstairs, I have some mens clothing of your size for sure so you will go a little more unnoticed

It wasn’t the same place of one week ago that’s for sure, it was under construction. people breaking pieces of wall, passing pipes and installing things, following plans and instructions, work groups and people sitting around resting from what seemed to be long days of work...

-Were did you get the pipes? –ask Arthur amazed

-The forge, I made lead pipes a while ago for a job so I used the plans for this, since I don't want to break the walls we will go over them, it is not very aesthetic nor will it be liked by the neighbors but I prefer that to compromising the structure of the building by breaking walls only for maintenance, after all there is no urgent humidity that is flooding anything, only the walls are absorbing it but no more of that

That sounded important, for now they were working in the reception and frankly it was the most attractive place in the eyes of the neighbors and also the most important since it was the structure of the building facing upwards.

The two of them moved to Nora's apartment upstairs, it was much cleaner than the last time he was there, severely cleaner, the floor had a different color and was no longer textured, soft and sliding to walk, the walls were still in poor condition but not having spiders made it better. It gave a touch, in addition had changed some furniture and its layout, it looked much more spacious and orderly. The windows had been cleaned and were now transparent, not opaque, totally transparent, you could see the sunset in all its splendor, flooding the room with orange light...

-This works take some time –said Arthur looking around in the room.

-At least the reception has to be finished in a couple of weeks-suddenly and without expecting it at all she was pushed against a small table that was near her, Arthur had kicked her legs to the side quickly to make her lose balance and fall, it was to be expected with those high black heels she walked with, holding her wrists behind her back and her waist in front, preventing her from hitting her torso and belly from the front with the side of the table, he pushed his chest against her back and pressed her against the cold surface. With her legs bent, unable to stand up and unable to stabilize herself with her hands, she was only suspended against the table with his body, who had her head pressed inside her neck to whisper in her ear.

-I came to talk about something today Howard –she slurped saliva and even he could hear it, good- I didn’t like what you did the other day -his hand closed tighter on her wrists. Nora was thinking about how she could stabilize her body to get out of there in the meantime but she was in a horrible position-remember when we talk about surprising me? I thought we had an agreement

She breathed in, and that’s when she understood what he meant.

-Oh -this was a conversation about respect and power, just because she has established a position and place of power that day does not mean that she is above him and especially...he had warned her about that detail of his. She knew it, and she forgot it, her ego and customs on how to dominate dangerous situations make her forgot, and he was not going to let it happen just because she was now a boss with power, he also had strength and spirit, he was not going to give in so easily-Sorry –she mumble

-I let it pass that day because I was still shocked about our pregnancy news –he put emphasis in the our, pressing his arm against her belly- and did everything in my power to not react against you

-Im sorry –she whispers, her body was tense but she wanted to relax to show him that she wasn’t a menace and neither planned to attack him

-You made me upset –his torso pressed her and his arm more against the table- didn’t respect what we agree –its okay, she understand, he was a man of power, a man with power didn’t like to summit, and she had broken his trust in something he considers very personal

-I apologize -she whispered calmly, trying to get him to calm down too, not only because she didn't want him to hurt her or for the situation to escalate but because she didn't want to take away the authority and respect that he thought he deserved and wanted to have, it was okay, she could respect his wishes-I forgot

-Do you promise to remember? –she nodded and breath out-good, or the next time ill make you remember I wont be so gentle-he removed the arm on her belly out and wrap on her waist, her tiny waist, hand with full open fingers, she breathed in again and the way her torso lift and her waist was wedged between his fingers made him breath in-I don’t want to hurt any of you –the hand on her waist moved down slowly, walked around on the upper curve of her hips and ass loving how he can feel the curves of her body, sliding in the soft fabric of the blue dress until he felt something with the tip of his fingers at the height of her thighs, something hard and sharp, not soft skin-what is this?

Nora breath out-let me show you? –she said in a low tune, he separated from her back and stand in front of her, firmly, with his feet’s very attached to the ground.

Arthur was actually surprised that she didn't seem scared at all, maybe a little submissive, calm, like she had accepted the situation, but not scared or disturbed, a violent encounter of this type would normally leave someone disconcerted even by the unexpected but she didn't seem affected at all, did she expect something like that from him? She doesn't make sense, she wouldn't have allowed herself to be immobilized if that were the case, maybe she always thought that something like that could happen with him.

Nora lift the skirt of her dress and show some Sturdy combat armor leg pieces in her thighs. And he had to admit that the view looked hot but those heels really favor her long slim legs.

-I guess it doesn’t match with the black heels –he mumble and she smiled a bit

-I had to take apart the arms because the entire piece was very bulky, but it's better than nothing, you can't tell, right? –she said while opening the first button of her already long cleavage, moving down the fabric on the shoulder to show him the green piece of armor on her arm, his eyes moved to her open chest unconsciously tho

Despite the fact that he had pinned down the woman against the table he worried, wasn’t this place safe?

-I thought it was the belts of my own suit–the hard thing he felt against his neck and shoulder hitting- well im sure you don’t expect your everyday neighbor armored to the teeth, or capable of resisting a shooting

-youll be surprised, Gustavo sells guns –using armor as undies didn’t relaxed him at all, this wasn’t what he expected as a safe environment to rise a child

-Its it safe here? –is not like he wanted to act like nothing happened a few seconds ago that would be very inconsiderate from his part but now he was concerned

About her and her safety. His baby safety.

-Let me pick you some clothes and lets go to Café Beau Monde to chat, im sure Margaret can make us some coffee and pastry’s while preparing dinner.

He looked concern at her and ask- are your sure about this? –she nodded with a small red smile, had the eyes of someone who has a lot of confidence, security despite being tackled in a table by surprise–borrow me some armor too at least

-You came here for our usual dinner after all right? –well…kinda…she laughs at his not so comfortable face-don’t worry, the worst thing that can happen is that a piece of brick falls on your head and we already had those incidents in the citadel, I'm going to take care of you-he had to do this, try to be around the woman that was going to be the mother of his child no matter how scary she was sometimes.

He sighted and she started to look for clothes in a big wooden wardrobe

-My pants size is a…

-Large, I know –how can she? –I bought my husband underwear, men for some reason doesn’t buy underwear on their own, just wait until a woman fill their drawers with new again- he look inside the wardrobe too, picking the clothes she was separating to check on what it could fit him- in my defense about the other day I first wanted to approach you in the bathroom, alone, without assistance, low guard with your pants down but all of you boys control your sphincters very well and I didn't see you all in need to do it all day, I guess Paladin Gunny trains brotherhood boys well.

Arthur frowned when he heard that, effective, but disgusting. What the fuck.

#elder maxson #arthur maxson #sole survivor #fallout 4 #makahimefanfic

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wilder-fangirl · 11 months

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I really do be a compulsive liar when customers try to make conversation with me because i work in a pseudo-prestegious place full of people who know so much about technology and I'm just a person who turned down admission and scholarship into a kinda high level college because I felt pressured by my mother and was too afraid of change to leave home and has chronic burnout at 20.

- are you into software? - what do you mean by that? - well, my daughter is going to college for software development *rambles* - oh. well I'm currently majoring in marketing [at a shitty cheap online school because i'm too afraid I won't be able to keep up with a real college because I'm so lazy] and I'm formally trained as a seamstress [i've spent the last 5 years making couch cushions and once a year i have both the time and inspiration to make a sorta kinda artistic dress or jacket with horrible fucking technique] [not to mention i studied classical piano for 12 years and then i started working full time and i havent practiced for 3 years so all that work went down the fucking drain. i used to be good at one thing. i used to have something that made it so i was caught up with everyone else.]

[when i was in middle school i was in a little inseparable trio of friends. Michael was a professional violinist at 14. He knew taught me how to play Smashbros. Bella's dad was a NASA engineer. She was the most genuinely kind person this world has ever seen, and everyone and every animal loved her. I was the kid who was obsessed with the Scarlet Witch and a christian rock band no one had ever heard of. We drifted apart. Covid happened. I sat on my ass til my mom made me get a job. I feel like that day was yesterday, and i feel like i have never left that job. i feel like i am still racing around a store, trying to keep up with everything everyone was asking from me. i would come home and my feet would ache and i would stare at instagram for hours and form unhealthy bonds with strangers and i would sleep. we came out of it and they had made something of themselves. Michael is going to some college and he has pretty friends and they seem to be really close. Bella was always a homebody. She was always happiest when she was with her family and her birds and she was drawing. She still lives in the same house, and she's a graphic design major, and she has more birds. And she is happy. Michael hasn't responded to any of my texts in three years. I tend to leave Bella on read for months at a time.

I wasted a year in a 15 by 15 foot box. i slept and i became mean and so lonely. I lived thursday to thursday when I could see the pretty boy who made my world turn and make me believe i had a future. I thought I won too. all of a sudden after wishing for them for years, i had friends who loved me and who i loved. i was a valuable and valued part of a whole, just like i always wanted. and just as suddenly as those friends came, i wanted to push them away. i've ghosted all but two of them. I think this is who i've always been. an isolated half-person who's chained to a lit screen who talks about freedom but never pursues it.

But at least I have this job, right mom? at least i have a path to a future if i don't fuck it up. but sometimes she comes out when i'm within those silver walls. sometimes the girl who says she longs for people but sits alone in the corner even when people ask her to come out appears again. sometimes the girl who spent every day in the woods and every night in the biggest pile of stuffed animals you've ever seen is in the blue shirt and looking at the ipad and she is on the verge of tears and she doesn't know why or how she's here.

I live and work in the place of my childhood's ghost and i can see every stage of my life all at once and i call feel my inadequacy so intensely. i'm the youngest and most inexperienced person there and everyone treats me like their child or their little sibling and i love it but it makes me feel like i child and i get so scared of fucking up so i work harder than anyone else and dear God help me i am so tired and i give them everything so i have nothing to give to anyone or anything else, not even you. God i am so afraid i am trying so hard God I am a child trapped in an adults body just as i was an adult trapped in the body and mind of a child GOD WHY DID YOU MAKE US LIKE THIS. why do i constantly feel like i need to check my bank account even though i live at home and hardly pay bills and why do i ignore my friends and all their love why am i too tired to even text them back why did you make me think i am a loving person when i am really just some kind of skittish, reclusive animal that sometimes has delusions of being a man why can't i breathe in my dreams? i lie and i overcompensate and i achieve and i work and i am so lazy its like a profession.

everyone i work with is so incredible and they're so good at what they do and they have lives and hobbies and jobs outside of ours and they're sociable and friendly and interesting and extroverted and have significant others and families and have dreams and work towards them and do so much with their lives. i'm nothing besides my work. i come home and i watch tv and i play my little wizard game and tell myself i'll do something soon

my cousin is in harvard medical school and i write notes that a person cracked their phone screen and i try to explain to old people that they have to remember their passwords 30 times a day. my cousin is in mother fucking harvard medical school and i am on my bathroom floor writing to no one instead of making something of myself. he's the only person my age i share any genetics with. i cant help but see how differently we turned out. his father is a lawyer who works in DC and my father is a copywriter who still thinks he can work for WWE like he's dreamed of for the past 40 years. His mother is a cancer survivor and a statistician. my mother is an abusive bipolar orphan who has lived through horrors at the hands of every person who was supposed to love her. my cousin survived prep school AP classes and i survived living in my own head after being SA'd and having no one help me cope. what a fucking gamble life is

#help #the person i am asking for help tho is god #this is not a cry for help in general #just god #hey #dad #why'd you make me this way homeslice #what am i doing wrong

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i-hope-no-one-finds-this · 1 year

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The air is stagnant with desert heat that covers my thighs with sweat as I sit on the leather-bound chair. I contemplate if i am showing too much emotional distress or not enough. Should I keep eye contact for this long? He would get even more distraught if he thought i was not taking this conversation seriously, im not. He sits comfortably in his own chair, 5 feet in front of me. I think this is the most he has said to me in over three months and its a lecture, of course it is. “It hurts that you just have that emotion of ‘i-dont-give-a-fuck-especially-to-my-dad everytime I see you.’” Hmm, its because after the emotional trauma you have put me through I really can’t afford to spare any more mental room for your nonsense anymore. “Who do i live for?” Yourself. “Me.” i say. “Uh-huh. And have you ever wanted anything? Do people look at you and go shes poor as fuck? No, they havent. I am poor as fuck, i am so poor and i do it all so that you can have the nicest things, your car, your phone, your shoes…” You can take them all back if you want, wont change anything. “I just want you to admit what you did was fucked up and apologize, you knew that we had been talking about this, yet you still just dont give a fuck about my emotions or how it would effect me at all.” Oh, I have to respond fast here. “Honestly i am sorry dad, i really did not think this was that important to you. I knew you wanted to get one together, i just didn't realize it had to be my first one.” “Baby why would I not want it to be the first one?” Baby, thats a good sign. I really wonder if he thinks that i hate him, as a person i do, as family I just want him to be good to my mom and I, not treat us each like shit. A memory of a video of a girl describing how she leaves her boyfriends after a single argument because she is used to being let down by her father who will not change pops into my head. Huh, i guess he really has messed me up. Ladies choose your men right, dont let just anyone hit cause youre not only condemning yourself but also your child of a world of hell. I am a bad daughter, ill admit it at least. Better than claiming i deserve the best dad of the year i suppose.

Statistically speaking, about 45% of American households are separated, and of all marriages in the country, about 17% of them are truly happy. Unluckily for my household, we are part of that 45 and 83 percent. My parents separated long before I can ever remember however, I vividly remember when they wanted to spend time all together seeing as they had a pretty good friendship and both shared a deep desire to spend more time with their one and only child, me. For a year and a half during high school, my parents decided to move into a house together as friends and roommates so that they both can have quality time with me while I still lived under the same roof as them till college. This friendly agreement was soon to be a terrible mistake that gave off the impression that I was living in a continuously breaking family. Imagine having to go to school early in the morning yet you can’t fall asleep because of the arguing going on apparently right outside your door. Imagine feeling guilty because you're the only reason both parents decided to do this in the first place, and now they have nowhere to go but to their pits of despair they call home. The repercussions of what was said after an especially bad argument would usually be days of silent treatment and lingering resentment clinging to the house walls. My only escape was school so when I dove into homework as soon as I got home, it would be confused as responsible indulgence, when the truth was I didn’t want to witness the confrontation my parents had with one another when they would return home from their day jobs. The house, however small it was, resembles an extremely hard time in my life, where I was consumed daily with self-destructing thoughts of why my parents argued daily, why I usually caught the backlashes of their disagreements when they would ask me if I agreed or not. That year, I finished having one of the highest GPAs I think I've had, ever. The continued hard work I put into studying and doing homework in order to get rid of my constant sadness and guilt had propelled me to set new highs for me in school.

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tiredestsleepiestgirl · 1 year

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vent.

my partner and i r long distance. when we were getting to know each other online neither one of us wanted to be in any relationship ever but were doing like casual non monogamy irl.

we met in person and he got real weird about me talking about ppl id been regularly hooking up with and after i got back home and we made our relatinship official we also agreed to be basically monogamous. the exception being i wanted to be able to makeout with ppl drunk just 4 funsies, and even this had a lotta strings attached bc he was uncomfortable with it, i laid out that it could only be in public spaces and thered b no handsy stuff.

i wasnt a huge fan of the idea of being monogamous but i was willing to do it 4 him. i also said at the same time that i wouldnt mind if he did want to screw around a bit but he said he doubted thatd happen. cut to a like six months later and he's out clubbing and asks if im alright for him to go home with someone. i say yes thats fine and he goes home with a couple. later i say ive changed my mind and imbalance actually does make me uncomfortable and i dont want it to happen again and he says he's been thinking that he actually would be alright with me sleeping with other people while we're long distance.

now during the last six months since ive been back home we've been calling for multiple hours almost daily, first couple of months it was daily and then when i started working more itd be whenever i wasnt working so at least four days a week and on days i was working we'd still try to get in a short call. and i knew he'd get angsty when he couldnt talk to me over the weekend or if i was busy so id try not to make plans in the evenings too often. and ive been sick for like the last month so havent been able to spend time with ppl in real life. and he's been out more and more with this couple he's befriended.

and im happy for him bc he has trouble maintaining stable friendships and is often so lonely. and i was always the one that felt overwhelmed by calling so often when id had a long day at work or whatever. but now i feel. jarringly alone. and also like the only reason im allowed to sleep around now is bc he's find someone he wants to fuck and the second that changes itll b back to monogamy.

i care for him so much i want to hold him and protect him and i want him to be able to find friendship and community but god it sucks that im just stuck here in bed or at working just waiting for when he'll be able to give me attention again. im happy he's making friends and spending time with them i really want that for him. everything he's doing is stuff i want for him.

but also im out here working 5-7 shifts a week. to help pay for his visit in august. and our future visa costs. and waiting on him. and when would i even find time to sleep around. sunday night i was lying in bed after working my least favourite shift on the week on three hours of sleep and my chest rattling from my stupid chest infection and i knew he was out with his new friends so i didnt bother him.

monday another shift but he was barely replying to my messages all day even whenni said i was worried and didnt know if he was okay and then find out the next day that ofc he slept over on sunday night and spent monday with them. weve talked about that and he said hell tell me when he has plans but even that makes me feel so desperate and needy that's not my usual vibe. im just. ugh.

anyway he's just asked if he can spend the day hanging out with them today, my freeest day to talk of the week. and im a cool girl. i said im so glad ur having such a good time. im so glad u have friends and r working out (theyre going climbing), i hope ull be back in the evening for me? yesyes probably maybe? probably i will have him back with me tonight. coolcoolcoolcool. im gonna be working the next three days str8. the weekends r so busy for me. 4 shifts in 3 days baby. ill miss u ill miss u.

#vent

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letterstomymothershewontread · 1 year

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happy mothers day

Happy Mothers Day. This year instead of dinner, flowers, or even an appreciation post on Facebook, you're getting a card. You're getting a blank card in the mail with the link to this blog. In this blog you'll be reading my diary essentially. This letter, like many on this blog, are addressed to you so make sure you read them all.

Recently I've got to enjoy the fun parts of life and not have to worry if you'd be mad at me and gods has it been wonderful. I went to Atlanta at the end of April to celebrate my five year anniversary with the person you and dad seem to think made me cut y'all off. I'd like to say it's funny you think that or that I'm shocked but I'd be lying. We all know I'm many things but a liar aint one. I saw you try to call me and instantly hang up on April 29th, I wonder if it was an accident or not. Regardless I didn't answer, not like I had a chance even if I wanted to, you hung up instantly. I've thought about it on and off and I just wonder if you wanted to apologize or just fake apologize. I say fake apologize because it's that apology you've always done, 'I'm sorry for whatever I did to upset you'. I so wish you did know, that would make this less painful.

I've gone through so much change in the last 5 months alone and everyday has felt uncomfortable, like somethings missing. It's because there is, my mom. I've realized I've had you on a pedestal for so long it's still hard for me to look beyond the nostalgia fog and see my childhood for what it really was, abusive. Almost everyday I want to pick up my phone and call you to tell you about my day, tell you about my plans, or just hear your voice. I don't though, I wont risk my progress in my healing, not on a phone call.

I think that the reason you were so mean was because you havent healed from or even acknowledged your own childhood trauma. It's okay to admit that your mom or dad even wasn't the best. They love(d) you there is no doubt there and they did their best but, that doesn't make them perfect or without flaw. That cycle like the one before it and before are bound to repeat, just like this one. That is until you make the conscious effort to stop it.

When I think about my childhood a few core memories come to mind, allow me to paint them for you. The first is when dad strangled me for calling him a son of a bitch and you stood there and let me struggle until I started to black out. The second is when dad would want to play a board game and we played scatagories. I thought that was fun. The third is one night when it was supper time and you made spaghetti and I was so exhausted because I was so depressed and suicidal I fell asleep and fell into my plate. It's funny how that was during the peak of my anorexia and then later my bulimia. You had no idea. The reason why you had no idea is because you do the same thing but you think it's something to be proud about.

"Oh my god you look so good! How did you lose all the weight?" they would say to you and you always reply bragging about how all you eat is a park of crackers and some peanut butter. I started copying you except all I would eat was a few spoonful's of peanut butter a day. That was in the midst of the time I would just come home and go straight to my room and be alone. I was alone so I could listen to music you hated that you think made my depression worse, starve myself, and to hurt myself. When I wasn't doing any of that I'd just sleep and hope I'd die in my sleep.

The fourth was when we would play Wizard101 together as a family. I wish I had more fond memories of happy things but I don't at least not enough that out weigh the negative. One memory that's been weighing on me lately is that of your infidelity. How you used to have me ride the bus to your work and I'd have to sit in a closet for hours cause your higher up boss was coming, or cause you were busy doing inappropriate things at a place you were supposed to be working. Dad later found out and I don't know how nor does it matter. What matters is that it led to you two separating and I was so happy you were. Yall ended up getting back together and I to this day wish you wouldn't have.

You left a lot of scars on my life as did dad and sissy but unlike theirs, I'm having to uncover yours day after day with different events I learn that trigger me. It's hard. Being in contact and without contact and maybe one day we could have an actual conversation about everything. I doubt it however, you never listen to me and actually hear me when I talk to you. You never have and I know you'll deny it cause sometimes you did but never when I needed you to. I wouldn't have tried to kill myself so many times.

All this to be said, I know you love me, I do.

youtube

#Youtube

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antiloreolympus · 2 years

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10 Anti LO Asks

1. I wish Rachel hasn’t used the gods to create the comic but rather turned them into human OCs. The fact that they’re rich, immortal and attractive make the stakes so damn low we don’t even have anything to genuinely fret over narrative wise.

2. WAIT I HAVENT READ LORE OLYMPUS IN A WHILE BUT DID SHE REALLY MAKE APOLLO THE SUN GOD?! STRAIGHT UP IGNORING HELIOS THE ACTUAL SUN GOD?????? How could Rachel say she did research and still choose to incorporate one of the biggest misinformations about Greek Mythos.

Look I don’t want poor Helios to be seen in Lore Olympus style if he hasn’t yet, but that’s such a simple thing to get wrong.

From OP: Both of them are still sun gods, the main issue is that RS also made Leto a sun goddess for some reason.

3. im sorry but the only distinguishing factors between literal gods and humans is that the gods are neon colors and thats it is so dumb?? like what about demi gods? how about exceptional mortals? like how can anyone compare psyche to a goddess then if shes not neon colored? also theres a ton of myths where gods are easily able to blend in with humans without changing anything because they are supposed to look like them, so how can they do that if humans are normal skin tones but the rest are neon?

4. I honestly feel like a big part of why LO is so bad is it's just way, WAY too long. The first few episodes were fast paced and kept you interested, but once it really pocked up on popularity you can see Rachel just started stretching everything out and dragged it back to a snail's pace. I'm all for a slow burn, but that shouldn't for the readers. If it was this long and there were months/years of progress in story I would excuse it, not at most a month in all this time. It's exhausting to read.

5. ok but why do even the humans in lo look so wonky? idk i think her more early abstractions with human forms was really so much better than this more realistic but also more cartoony look, it just doesnt mesh well. sure its technically cleaner looking but it starts to show the many flaws in the art than the previous look didn't. in the early look you could excuse it as coherent stylization, in this current look it just looks like rachel and her team either are very lazy, cant draw, or both.

6. also the disney hercules movie 1) never claims its myth accurate but also 2) its still just a fun movie?? LO in comparison is a self righteous slog that thinks its reinventing the wheel and is more legitimate than the actual texts all while being so wrong its not even"myth fanfic", its just a completely different story with greek names slapped on it for marketing. disney also had the good sense to not make the whole story about a dark topic, meanwhile LO is milking R//PE for a creepy romance.

7. ngl im even surprised rachel would even call hades anything zeus related because she seems so vindictive against anyone who isnt hades/persephone/hera that i would have thought she would make a point to say zeus would rather be be called "light hades" or w/e.

8. Omfg I just realized Hestia and Athena are an incestuous couple. Hestia is Hera's sister and Athena is Hera's and Zeus' daughter. Hestia is literally dating her niece. So the only non-stright couple in LO is incest. I just... how do fail this fucking badly at represenation?

Also, bc I know someone is gonna say it: Yes, incest was pretty much par for the course in Greek mythology, but in LO Rachel seems to actively want to avoid that particular aspect (which is understandable). Zeus and Persephone were orginally biological niece and uncle as well, since Persephone was the daughter of either Zeus or Poseidon and Demeter, but in LO this is retconned into Demeter making Persephone herself without a father being involved, making HxP still sketchy but not blood-related at least.

The Hestia and Athena-situation seems like a comedic mistake RS made. She hastily threw together two same-gender characters to counteract the accusations of homophobia and straightwashing and it just... backfired in the most hilarious possible way.

From OP: Athena and Hestia aren’t technically related in LO but it’s still really odd that Demeter, Hera, and Hestia come from Metis but have no relation at all to her other than she created them. Like, you’d think even Metis’ power would connect them in someway but I guess not. The three even used sisters to refer to each other (although, it was only retconned once and left in the other time) so I still their (Athena and Hestia’s) relationship weird.

9. This isnt just an LO thing but it's ironic Rachel is in that group of WT creators who went to art school and yet have some of the most subpar art i've ever seen, meanwhile the self-taught creators who went to school for medicine, engineering, comms, etc all have some of the most beautiful art i've seen in a webcomic. Anyway LO stans have to stop using the "she went to art school" excuse since it'd pretty clear she's not the only example where art degree =/= good art.

10. ok now im a bit sus about about the LO stats and tbh every other original bc i just saw an original creator say the actual numbers (esp for popular series) are all overinflated by porn and spam bots and webtoons wont get rid of them to make it look like they have more engagement and market them as more successful than they let on💀getting real tumblr will ban boobs but not the n//zi blogs energy from that info ngl

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

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