Whitstable, Kent, England

i hate being a mentally ill adult actually. i hate that there’s always groceries to be bought and housekeeping to do and work in the morning i hate that we have no space to feel it all i hate that we walk around acting normal. there are so many people i know who are clearly deeply unhappy with their lives and we make silly little jokes that allude to it but sometimes i want to grab them by the shoulders and scream ‘i know you are miserable!! we can’t keep living like this!! this is why people break!!’ im sick of this drudgerous apathy i want us all to be dramatic like when we were teenagers i want us to sob together and scream bloody murder at each other and tell each other we want to kill ourselves not as a funny post-ironic joke but because we all feel like that sometimes!! i want us to get fucked up on god knows what til we can’t open our eyes i want us to take care of each other instead of always taking care of ourselves i want us to be vulnerable i want us to hold each others hands in the ambulance!!

i finally have a day off tomorrow, so i will be active then. but for today it's sillies & fun. sorry for no actual writing, but we have been working for the last few days, and then playing games with friends to decompress. i hope that everyone has been having a good day and continues to !!

sorry I keep forgetting about tag games and dm's etcetera I am in the not real mental state time

Gods, the team ranchers brainrot,,,, it’s real

All I’m saying is that I Belong to You by Brandi Carlile has me lying on the floor again

Correction: the whole album. All of her albums. Don’t mind me. Again Today/Hiding My Heart is also a ranchers song in my mind. So is The Things I Regret

I don't want to brag or sound too optimistic about it, but after three weeks of training at a private college, I think my lessons with this one particular immigrant student (who has serious motivational problems lemme tell ya) are finally starting to get through and there's been improvement.

Only slight improvement so far but I have spotted some, so maybe not all hope is lost yet.

Remains to be seen I guess.

Hi guess who feels like he just experienced 8 consecutive days in a matter of 2?

Haven’t had power for the past day and a half (it’s back now) and I am. So. Cold.

...

Have the best representation I can make for a dream I had.

In a dream I had, it was like any other dream where I was with our family friends at one of their houses. For some reason, like always, I wasn’t in the mood for socializing. The dads were drinking, laughing (and vomitting). The moms were gossiping, cooking, and eating. The kids were all downstairs playing in the basement. 

I make my way outside into the garage thinking I could just walk home from there. The garage is dim and outside looks gray. However, past the houses in our neighborhood and over miles away, I see a storm. Clouds forming, spinning, destroying houses and leaving nothing behind.  I’m watching, not understanding what’s going on. The eye of the storm was large but slow, but ahead of it was a smaller hole in the clouds, it was shining light down and circling around rapidly. The two holes were revolving in opposite directions. Below the clouds where the hole wasn’t, it rained. I’m still standing in the garage free from the rain. But where I stood, the house itself, the two holes coincided. 

The light shined down but at the same time the eye of the storm looked down. I looked up into the eye and all I saw was a void. The void itself is like a literal Hoover vaccuum and I felt that I would fall down into rather than sucked up. The force pulling me in, but I still stood holding lightly to the opening of the garage. Within the void was pure nothing, but at the same time I saw everything. Stars, planets, my past, possible futures, deserts, libraries, museums, the destruction and creation of the universe. And even though I couldn’t hear anything and nothing was being said, the void asked me if I wanted what I am to end and thus become the universe? So, me becoming nothing will make me everything. But to sacrifice that, I must give up what I am, where I am, right at that moment. I can destroy everything up to this point in this life to become a part everything in every life. I just need to hop in and it will end like that. 

I look behind myself at the door that led back into the house where all our friends were. I couldn’t hear any of them but I know they were still in there, having fun. I didn’t say it out loud, but I felt it in my chest that I told the storm “If when I die I become nothing and then everything, why do it now? If it is inevitable, why not keep this life going until the end.” I let go of the side of the garage and make my way back inside. The garage lightens up again and I believe the storm cleared.

When I open the door, I’m greeted by one of the dads vomiting into the toilet. Welp, this is what I chose, so make the most of it.

Important life lesson I've learned recently: Never fall in love with an anarchist.

today has been a really long and incredibly stressful day and my dad's okay now, but my mom had to take him to the ER tonight because he's been having some issues and needed to get checked out and he also fell today so they went and did that

as soon as they get back and were trying to get into the house i guess the last of my dad's energy just gave out and he just kinda sunk down to his knees and then slowly slid onto the floor and neither of us could get him up

we tried to help him grab onto his wheelchair and work with him but he just couldn't do it and neither of us were strong enough to lift him without making things worse

our family friend is out of town and my mom tried calling another friend but nobody was able to come so we had EMS come out and thankfully two guys were able to lift him into his chair and help us get him into bed and settled

he's finally resting after a long, long fucking day and my mom's going to take off work tomorrow so she can be with him

i am...beyond exhausted so i am also going to go to sleep and hope to god tomorrow's a better day

btw i think i may be attempting to enter into a long distance relationship w erik.

365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 210

Adjective: Scarce

Noun: Miracle

Definitions for those who need/want them:

Scarce: (especially of food, money, or some other resource) insufficient for the demand; occurring in small numbers or quantities, or rare

Miracle: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency; a highly improbable��or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences; an amazing product or achievement, or an outstanding example of something

the one thing i think will always be downplayed in obm is the reality of just how much of the 'silent observer' barbatos remains.