#wanted to go home around 3am i think but they kept telling me to stay to pull an all nighter together | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

undercoverpena · 11 months

Text

a then he almost never had

summary: there is you, though. you who’s curled against him, breathing softly with skin like silk. the t-shirt you’d stolen from him had risen up, exposing the curve of your hip and the dip of your spine. his hand along it, fingers splayed out, keeping you pinned against his chest

javier peña x f!reader word count: 2.9k warnings: season two/three spoilers, angst, reader injury but ends hea. mentions of smut, growing feelings. softness, with Jo-angst. an: i poisoned myself with gluten last night (i'm a coeliac) so this was written at 3am, forgive mistakes. forgive me.

It burns. That’s the first coherent thought that slams into you. It rises, explodes like a firework behind your eyes. And then, it all just fucking burns.

It’s early.

He can tell because the sun hasn’t yet risen—its fingers not currently stretching out and brushing everything it can touch.

He knows this hour well, he wakes at it a lot.

As though it’s programmed within him. Inputted.

It allows for thinking, he supposes. A chance to reminisce, to replay both the good and the bad.

He watches clips from his life, as though he hasn’t already lived them. Unable to stop them from displaying on the back of his lids, the silence provided them a high quality to torture him.

He blames the silence for why they began in the first place.

During the day, they’re kept back through loudness, activity and busyness. But at night, when the moon hangs itself high, and the world sleeps, it allows the drawers in his mind to open—the ones with no organisation, haphazardly stuffed full of regrets, all to creep out and take chunks out of him.

Both memories and failures mixing, dancing—twirling… before shattering. Breaking into shards at his feet, occasionally piercing his soul.

There’s nothing to stop them, no noise, no disturbance. No reason was provided before he shoved the drawer closed and hid all his problems away, tucked them deep inside of himself along with his pride.

There is you, though.

You who’s curled against him, breathing softly with skin like silk. The t-shirt you’d stolen from him had risen up, exposing the curve of your hip and the dip of your spine. His hand along it, fingers splayed out, keeping you pinned against his chest—as if you’ve ever said you want to be anywhere else.

Often, it’s that night he replays the most.

You pleading, all blemished with crimson and trembling. He hears it, the rattle of your voice, the wheeze. Feels the helplessness as if he’s back there.

It doesn’t matter that it was some time ago now, the words hang in the silence when you’re frustrated with him. They blow through the trees when you smile brighter than the sun. Sometimes, they’re even there between moans of his name and silent pleas—just there, on the tip of your breath.

It took the forced time at home to stop seeing you covered in your own blood, to stop that pang of loss at seeing you go down.

Bogotá had tried to break him, but Laredo stitched him back.

At this hour, the time at home feels like a distant memory. So much so, it almost crushes him. Circles around him, reminding him—

It hurts, Javi—fuck it… Stay with me, Javi. Please. Don’t leave, don’t leave me, baby…

Complacency. It’s the reason he’d heard the words, to begin with. He’d taken you for granted, that you would always be there. Jibing him, arguing with him, fucking him.

Then, you’d met asphalt, choking words out he wanted to shove back down your throat. More spluttering from your lips, fingers clutching for him as though he could fill your lungs with breath and stop it all from hurting.

Fuck, he wished he had been able to. Wishes he could.

It doesn’t matter that he’s countlessly reminded himself that you’re alive. You made it. He’s forced himself to feel the pulse in your neck by brushing his lips against the vein in your neck. He’s felt you breathing, hand on your back as you took copious gasps of it, feeling it dance across his ear, blending with his name.

None of it had mattered for a while, not when he had seen you visibly hovering on the line, almost tipping the other way. Almost leaving him alone. He supposes it’s why it’s the fixed movie always showcasing in his mind.

A sick sort of reality check.

He glances at you sleeping, face blank of anything other than pleasant dreams. It settles him, for a moment. Allows him an interval to his usual tortured processing.

He’d always thought you were pretty. Had caught his eye the moment you’d tiptoed into his life.

It was only when you balanced on the line, did Javi wish he had told you that more. Thankfully, because of your grit, determination—and fucking stubbornness—he was able to now.

Whispered it, dropped it into your ears. Watching you go shy, hand batting him away.

It was what you felt for him that had helped you keep your claws in him. Allowed you to grip onto the present, providing the chance to speak before blue lights whizzed you from him.

Lazy mornings. I want lazy mornings following late nights, Javi… want to stop pretending I don’t like you being around…

When he recalls it, the present-him always wishes he had kissed you. Inwardly jeering at his former self for not doing so.

It’s why he hates this hour, how it allows him to tick over the wrongdoings, watching them but never being able to correct them.

Never able to stop noticing the smaller things. How your eyes had paled and how striking the scarlet stains were on your blouse.

How he had felt a hole open in his chest that mirrored the one gouged into your abdomen. How your hand shook in his, fear coursing through your bones—tears cruising down the curve of your cheek as you shoved more wishes and wants at him.

…I’ll make you breakfast— You burn bread, Bonita. I’ll burn it just for you.

It was only when your fingers had slid from his, both pulled and yet released (all at once), did he realise he wanted it too.

All of it.

Standing in that realisation, shirt clinging to his skin. It stained with your pain—your wound, your foolishness. Your wrong time, wrong place, and his sea of regrets. Just watching the ambulance take you, making him want to sink to his knees or sink his fist into the face of the one with the gun.

Mainly, Javi considers that he should have told you that you were going to be fine, that he’d be there when you woke up.

Maybe it would have allowed for an image that wasn’t terrified eyes being all he had for four days until you blessed him once again.

That’s what he thinks the most at this hour.

Not Cali.

Not getting the brothers. Not undoing it all.

Javi thinks about the fact he could have been here without you.

Absently, his fingers twitch for a smoke, tongue desperate for amber. His body even desperate to meet your skin, feel you writhe, feel you clutch him close with fingers, lips and—

It’s a coping mechanism—a distraction. One he used to welcome, used to bury himself in until he felt numb enough to get up again. Now he does this instead.

He ticks.

You’ve never asked me for anything. You never seemed like you had much to give, Javi.

You had a point.

It still stung.

The soft smile the words were delivered with doesn't lessen the ache they leave. If you had worried or thought over why he never stayed once he’d been between your thighs, you never said until that night. Never asked him for anything, not breakfast, not mornings.

Then your resolve had melted, dissolved as though it’d been dropped in acid, made never to exist.

I want to stop pretending I don’t want you around…

He didn’t fear commitment; he feared the risks it brought. The harm it would bring to your door, even if your door were close to his—your job just as perilous.

It had happened all the same.

It hadn’t mattered he had kept you at arms reach, had tried to protect you. You were hurt anyway.

His fears collided into him, bruising him—fracturing bones and searing something through his soul. His worst nightmare came to fruition there in front of his eyes, and he hadn’t been able to do a thing to stop it.

You were good. Too good for him. And then you were crying, bleeding out across a Colombian road, his hand doing a poor job of stopping it from spilling out.

Javi didn’t begin healing until your eyes opened after the bullet ripped through your abdomen. Not when you were out of surgery, only when you looked at him with clarity.

The bruising he felt didn’t fade until he woke with you in his arms weeks later—his bones not forgetting until he heard you whisper those three words when he was buried to the hilt in you.

Those same three words he had thought himself at your bedside, drinking coffee—soaking himself in it, keeping sleep at bay so he never missed you waking. They churned in his throat, say bitterly on his tongue as he ran his hand over his face, index finger sliding over thumb.

He didn’t say them then, though.

Kept them locked away, the key thrown somewhere within his soul.

His focus on you waking. Now, you always wake and sleep beside him. Sometimes soundly, sometimes ticking.

He wonders if you relive it. If you still feel it. If the scar on your side throbs the way his fictional one does.

You don’t flinch when he brushes it, unlike the first month or two. You don’t hide it as much as you once did, his eyes able to accept it’s healed, see the way it’s silvered from time. It still stands out, ever evident when you’re full of him, more so when you’re staring down, rolling your hips to spell his name.

Eyes full of awe and wonder, a sight he doesn’t deserve but drinks up all the same.

I love you. I know. I love you too.

He had whispered it one morning. Your eyelashes fluttered open, smothering him in kindness and hope. It was instinct, to brush his knuckles against your cheek, feeling your smile as well as watching it rise—a prettier sight than any sunrise, especially when his sun had almost been taken.

Your response hadn’t surprised him.

He’d guessed you’d know, been able to tell. Hadn’t done a good job at hiding it, really. Even if he’d poured time into not confessing it, keeping it back, just wanting you safe.

Javi had said them because he liked seeing your things mixed with his—imagined them alongside his in a case. It’s why he bought a ticket for you from Laredo to Bogotá.

You don’t have to come. I know you’re done. Do you want me to come? Yeah. I want you there, bonita. With you or working for you. With me.

Those three words thrummed in him when you walked around his place, unaware of his eyes. They’re plucked in his chest when you’re close, and even when you’re not.

At this hour, it’s too easy to let doubts swirl in.

To allow the good to have the terrible bled into it. He doesn’t need the bad to peel more from him, doesn’t need to meet each insecurity, each fear—not while he works to protect this, maintaining the two of you.

He fans his hand out across your back, hearing you sleepily murmur. It’s instinctive, how he presses a kiss to your forehead, right across the hairline. Nose taking in the scent of his shampoo in your hair, the way you’re warm, alive. Noting how your body rises and falls in slow waves, heartbeat against his ribs, all beating, loud and proud.

I’m here, Javi. I’m okay.

You’d said those for weeks in the days that passed. Healing together, growing stronger.

In time, he hopes those words replace the others—smother them until they go out with a poof. The drawer able to close.

For tonight, he manages to slide it shut.

His hold on you tightening, keeping you close—flush, no room to argue, or for fate to attempt to sneak its way in and keep you apart.

Slowly, he closes his eyes, bidding farewell to the hour—knowing there’s a good chance he’ll see it tomorrow.

Javi. That’s the second thought which collides, forcing eyelids to open. You say his name like a chorus, feeling foreign hands and voices that aren’t familiar. Javi. Javi. Javi—

There are several moments he can attest as to why he’s done.

It’s not the corruption. It’s not that winning, doesn’t feel like winning.

While he feels it should be the chunks it’s taken from him, the way his soul feels fragmented—that he prickles, unsure of who to trust and who even to believe in.

It’s not any of that. Mainly, it’s you.

You who ask for nothing, even now. Living in the same city that almost took your life.

You who doesn’t ask him to promise he’ll be home for dinner, only asking him to be safe. No requests of days that you’d like him to make sure he’s here for.

Instead, you work around him—await a call, a heads up.

I’m on my way home, Bonita. To me? I’m very lucky. Yes. To you.

Something curls out of him when he sees you, when you wrap your arms around his neck and let him taste future and happiness on your lips. It grows, widens when he slides fabric from your skin, unveiling you, allowing his eyes to drink in the sight that gets him through it all.

A sight he tries not to take for granted, but knows he does.

He does so unmeaningly. Let’s late hours slide into late nights; enacts decisions before he realises it has taken him a night in bed alongside you.

So when he’s here, when he’s able to make you his priority, he spends every second—of every minute, of every hour—showing you

Beautiful, so beautiful, mi amor.

He kisses the words across your collarbone, down your breastbone—he takes in the scent of you and flowery scent you tend to wear. Hearing you inhale when your walls tighten around his fingers.

Allows to taste your pleasure from your tongue, before parting your thighs to make you scream again.

There are other way he can treasure you, but this is his favourite—and from the way you knot your fingers in his hand, he suspects this is yours too.

Fuck, cariño—mi amor. What have I done to deserve you?

He thinks it, a lot.

Says it only when you’re atop of him, hips moving with his, hand on his chest.

It’s only when his breath is caught does it hit him. Watching your body bend at the waist, the scar moving with you as you try to dress.

That’s when he realises he’s done. The final nail. The last tally.

The acceptance of it should fill him with dread. This has been his purpose, his occupancy. His goal and his fixation. Instead, the acknowledgement allows a flicker of something in his mind to attempt to grow, bloom, and flower.

At first, it’s not clear. But then he sees you in white, a Laredo sun beating down on you. He sees flowers in your hand, and his hand wearing a ring. His mind even thinks of laughter—not just the two of yours, but one made by someone small.

A future.

Javi allows it to play. Welcoming this new movie—not one born from the past—to display across the blank wall. Tracing the tips of his fingers up and down your bare spine, rising up from his place amongst creased sheets, tasting the sweat on your skin as he kisses your shoulder.

“Cariño, I think—“

“It’s okay,” you whisper.

Knowing you, you’ve likely known for a while. Most definitely knowing from a look, a glance, you suddenly give. A mediocre smile accompanies it, one he knows you’re suppressing.

Because he knows you too.

More than he ever thought he’d allow himself to. It goes further than your coffee order or how you like your breakfast. He knows your favourite flower and that you’re a good baker (even for as bad of a cook as you are).

Javi also knows you were happy with him in Laredo—likely thinking of the same future with him as he’s just had about you.

“Is it?”

It comes out weak, like a noise more than words. Two words which force themselves up from his chest and out past his lips.

Your face cracks, shifting—whatever emotions you were holding back forcing their way through and erupting into small flutters across your face.

But it’s your hand—that same one which had once reached out for him, begging and pleading as your life dangled in the balance—cupping his cheek that lets him know. Thumb brushing over the corner crease of his lips, allowing his shoulders to slide down from his ears—

“Yes,” you whisper.

One word. Simple.

But there’s a story embedded in between each letter. A story that has chapters and sequels, that he can tell you could ramble on about until his ears bleed and his hair turns grey.

You don’t say them, somehow knowing they’re not needed—somehow always knowing him, even if he tries to stop you from seeing that side of him.

The vulnerable side. The one full of cracks.

He knows you’ve caught glimpses. Like when he’d come back from rescuing Christina.

Instead of asking him, you just took his hand and led him to the shower, running fingers through his hair as you frothed soap and kept him close. A silent exchange of words, soft kisses punctuating paragraphs he can’t say.

It’s like that now. A secret knowing. An understanding.

Things hanging, swinging in the wind between the two of you, not needing to be said, yet spelt out all the same.

“I’ll finish this, then…”

Twisting towards him, both hands cupping his face, he almost loses himself in your eyes. How the darkness makes the black larger, but doesn’t distinguish the love, the hope, the kindness…

“And then,” you whisper.

Then. He thinks.

Fingers cupping your hip, thumb brushing across your scar.

A then he almost never had.

But won’t ever surrender now.

“I love—“

“I know,” you whisper, forehead to his.

an: still love me?

469 notes · View notes

inlovewithanemo · 2 years

Text

Arrange marriage with Ran Haitani

——————————

TW: Blood, mention of abortion, death

—————————————-———————

Your family and the haitani’s family, was familiar to the world with being one of the top 3 biggest companies in Japan.

It had been decided before your birth. That the first firs born would marry the first born of the Haitani family.

To bring both company in one, it would be the biggest one in whole Japan.

Either way you and Ran have always been friends and nothing more then that. The problem is after some years being around them you got feelings for the younger Haitani.

Ran being the older brother and wishing his younger brother nothing more than happiness was okay with the relationship between you and Rin, that was of course to make the two of you happy.

Ran was already in love with you the day he met you. He never thought of you as friend and never could do that.

The marriage happened and now you’re A Haitani, of course the relationship between you and Rindou didn’t stop after being married to his older brother.

A few years ago, you found rindou cheating on you throughout texts from the girl he was seeing. When you confronted him with it he just said.

“You’re just a toy.”

It broke your heart hearing that from the male you thought you’ll be forever with. You broke up with him of course and went to your best and only friend Ran.

Ran couldn’t do much beside comforting you with listening to you, making you breakfast to bed, Watching movies with you, going on night rides.

Everything to keep you busy and to try to move on. Well whenever he could. Since he was really busy man with the gang life and as successor to his family company.

A few months go by and you find yourself crushing on your husband. It’s weird to say,

“I have a crush on my husband…”

And by that you kept your crush a secret since you knew for sure that it is one sided, Ran thinks nothing more of you than just his friend.

It was all fine till a night where you became so drunk that you couldn’t see your legs anymore, you drunkly sat down on drunk Ran. Without a second thought you brutally confessed your love to him.

You didn’t know what his reaction was, you couldn’t remember. But you know that the two of you had a passion night, then and there.

The next morning when you woke up, you found yourself laying on Ran’s bare warm chest. You got a smile on your face until you heard:

“Forget about what happened between us.”

That day you cried so much that you didn’t even get off your bed.

Two weeks had passed after that night and you found out that you were pregnant. Happily you ran to Ran to tell him about the news. But you were shocked by his respond.

“Abort it.”

That day, you decided to never speak to Ran again. Of course you didn’t have an abortion and kept the baby a secret from Ran. Since he was always out and almost never home. It was easy thing to do.

That was until it was 3AM at night when you fell your water breaking. There was such a heavy pain that you thought u were dying.

You wanted to scream to yell but ran was sleeping next to you and you were to scared to know what he’ll do.

You stayed in bed trying to not make any sound hoping that you’ll be able to give birth without help.

Sadly for you the pain was so hard that you started crying so loud that it woke up ran.

“Y/N?!, Y/N Wtf is going!?“ ran looked on the bed it was full blood and you were just crying for help.

The older Haitani immediately stood up from his place and picked you up to the hospital.

The doctors took you over immediately to the surgery room not letting Ran enter it.

After a hour and 45 minutes, a doctor reached out for Ran, who was as pale as a ghost sitting there almost dying.

When Ran saw the doctor he jumped from his seat and walked to him.

“How are you related to her?”

“I’m her husband. Please tell me is she alright?”

“I’m sorry, she couldn’t make it. There was too much lost of blood.”

Ran sank down on the hospital floor, what had just happened? Did he just lose the only girl he loved so much? Just… in a night where he was sleeping?… out of the blue?.. how cruel is this world…

“But the the baby made it.”

“Baby?” Ran asked way to confused at this point. “What baby doctor?”

“Your wife was pregnant sir. You’ll be able to see your daughter in a few minutes.”

The doctor left ran after that, thankfully he left so now that the older Haitani was alone he could think of what just happened.

What baby?

Y/n is dead?

Does he cry? Does he jumps of joy? What is he supposed to do? …

He didn’t know what to do at all… that was until they put the small baby on his hands.

He looked at the young little creature that is barely some minutes old.

He hugged his baby and tears streamed down his cheeks.

“I’ll take care of you princess… daddy is going to stay with you. He’ll be there for you.. when you need it… I’ll… I’ll tell you a lot about mommy too… I hope… when you grow up you’ll look just like her… I can already see those beautiful eyes of hers in yours…. I’m so sorry baby… I should’ve took better care of your mother…”

That day Haitani Ran changed fully. He didn’t go to parties anymore. He kept work hours only at the early morning or night shifts.

He wasn’t playing around with drugs, alcohol or girls. He didn’t put all his money on new cars or stupid bets.

His only reason to be alive was his little princess. She grew up only knowing good about her mommy. He never told her anything bad about you.

He spend his time with her most of the day. He brings her on his own to school, and picks her up again. He was never a day late.

He tried to be the mother and the father for his little girl. He attended every school activity with parents and also every of his daughter’s piano concerts.

Whenever he was on a mission and the little one would call, he would respond immediately. He stays by her side if she has a fever and plays with her when she’s bored.

Ran always remembers to tell her how much he loves her and how much she’s worth to him. That way is his way to cope with the fact that he couldn’t tell you about how much he did love you. Till this day after years passing by. He would still hate himself for never telling you how much he loved you.

There are some nights where the little angel and her papa would cuddle and she often asks him about you. He would always smile when he remembers you.

“Your mommy was such a beautiful woman. She was generous, kind and lovely. She was truly an angel to my life.”

When rin saw the little girl first time in his life, he accidentally called your name out. Ran stared at his younger brother almost breaking down in tears.

She did indeed look like her mama. ᰔ

#tokyo revengers #ran #ran haitani #haitani angst #haitani fluff #haitani x reader #haitani ran #ran x reader #ran haitani x reader

325 notes · View notes

gemini-sensei · 1 year

Text

Unedited 3am thoughts (@sensei-venus) (chubby!fem!reader)

Ok So you've heard of single-mom!Reader, now get ready for...

Single-dad!Hawk

Just imagine Hawk meeting super cute, bubbly, chubby Reader one day and thinking she's so cool. They hit it off and they're talking, but he doesn't tell her he has a kid because he's scared that will turn her away. He's also not dated anyone since his kid was born and his ex gf left. He's been solely focused on his baby boy and school, hoping to get that good education so he can provide for his kid well.

He kind of lets it slip to his mom that he met a cute girl and she encourages him to ask her out. She's been so much help to him throughout this whole transition into fatherhood and tells him he deserves to date a little bit, find some happiness for himself. Neither of them have any idea what he's about to find with Reader, truly.

So he goes through with it and asks her out, to which she says yes and they go on a few dates. He still doesn't tell her about his son, unsure of how she'll react, and he's enjoying his time with her. He just doesn't want to ruin it, precious boy.

One evening their date gets ruined and they decide to go to his place for a movie. It should be okay. His son is sleeping, his mom stepped out for a girls night after she found out he was coming home, it's okay. Everything should be okay.

It stays okay for an hour, maybe a little longer, before his son is wailing from his bedroom. Hawk and Reader are cuddling before that and he jumps up with a hurried apology, his words rushing together as he bolts upstairs. Reader is sitting there, a little in shock over how fast things changed but remains calm. However, as the crying continues, she can't sit around and do nothing. She wants to help, so she gets up and follows the noise.

When she gets to the baby's room, she peeks her head in and sees Hawk with a baby who just won't calm down. He's red in the face and fat tears are rolling down his rosy cheeks. If there's any question as to who the baby is, it's answered quickly as she hears Hawk say "it's okay, bud, daddy's here. Daddy's got you. You're okay."

He doesn't notice she's there until she's walking into the room and asking him if she can try something. He's desperate for any help he can get but nervously passes his son to her. He watches as Slshe cradles him gently and coos softly, then begins to sing a lullaby.

His son blubber a bit more but then hears her soft voice and calms down. He looks up at her and blinks, watching as she smiles at him through the song. He eventually lays his head on her chest and discovers how soft and warm she is. She's like a big heated pillow and he snuggles up to her, gripping onto her shirt.

She bounces him gently, tubs his back soothingly, and he soon falls asleep by the end of her song. She keeps humming softly as she rocks him, keeping the easy motion going until she's sure he's in deep sleep.

"Wow, you're really good at that," Hawk rasps, trying to keep his voice low. He's staring at her in wonder and amazement, also rather smitten.

She smiles at him. "Babysitter. Not to brag or anything, but I specialize in kids under six."

There's a bit of humor in her tone and he smile says it all; she's not fazed by this at all. And Hawk can be more relieved.

He helps her lay his son back in his crib and gives his head a little kiss before they tiptoe out of the room. He leaves the door cracked and they walk downstairs to get some drinks and snacks for themselves. He doesn't know what to say and she lets him take his time to say anything.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner about my son," he finally says, cheeks warming. He's a little embarrassed because he kept it a secret only to find out she's not at all weirded out by it or scared away. "I just- I didn't know if you'd still like me and this is all still new to me-"

She cuts him off. "It was never your obligation to tell me you have a child, Hawk. I would have been fine regardless of when you were comfortable telling me." She smiles at him assuredly and he didn't know how much he needed that until he got it. "And for the record, I still like you quite a bit."

They laugh.

Hawk feels great. Usually he's this tough guy that doesn't let people bother him, but when it comes to anything related to his son, he's so vulnerable. He thinks it's a bad thing because anyone could use that to hurt him, but no one has so far. And he knows deep down that it's good to have that vulnerability, it's just a matter of letting his walls down. Wellz he lets them down with Reader.

"Plus, now I know how safe I need to be around you," Reader giggles, joking with him. He blushes as she wiggles her eyebrows at him, then pulls on a smirk.

"So you think about sleeping with me?"

"Oh yeah," she admits unabashedly. She licks her lips and snickers. "But now those fantasies are detailed enough to include condoms."

Should I do more of this? I'm kind of in love with it

#dad!hawk #single dad!hawk #eli hawk moskowitz #hawk moskowitz x reader #hawk moskowitz x chubby reader #hawk moskowitz #eli moskowitz x reader #eli moskowitz x chubby reader #eli moskowitz imagine #eli moskowitz #eli moskowitz headcanons #cobra kai #cobra kai headcanons #cobra kai x reader #cobra kai x chubby reader #cobra kai x plus size reader #chubby reader #plus size reader #gemini sensei

35 notes · View notes

kanene-yaaay-o-retorno · 10 months

Text

The way that I can't stop thinking about the song Skies Forever Blue but with the eggs from qsmp...

Like, the song probably is about romance and stuff but gosh it is also about having your entire world changed because of someone, of spending your time with them knowing at every second that you're both fated to get separated, is to fight against the destiny on your own, in little ways that matter, is to enjoy and love and cry and hurt all at once and it's so beautifullll

It's just so bittersweet and magnificent and I am in a qsmp roll lately so for me it fits so well! The way that when everyone received their eggs, their sons and daughters, to take care of they weren't taking it so seriously and it was not that big of deal because, well, ya know, eggs.... but they had quests that needed to be done for them to not die and get happy and at the end when the dragon comes back there will be a huge prize for the ones that kept them safe and sound so yeah

Then they by day things get a bit more complicated than that. Day by day, they weren't simply eggs anymore, they were little companionships that followed you around and went to adventures and chatted with you and had nice ideas so suddenly you're building a reinforced room to keep them safe because they *only have two lifes* and now you realize how little that is. The room soon becomes a nice house that you both decorate together. You sing them a lullaby everytime before they go to sleep. You tell them stories. They jump and play flutes when they are happy and do their little tantrums when they're annoyed. They like to get on your nerves and leave presents and sweet words when you least expect it. You explore dungeons together. You prepare little picnics and watch the sunset everyday.

They are now your kid. They have the name you have choosen. They have a house on your heart and you mind. They are being constantly attacked by monsters that you can't defeat permanently in an island that you can't escape from. You don’t want to escape alone anymore. You have nightmares of them dying. They love you so much. There is no secrets between the two of you. You accepted that if they are spies then you would go down for them. They are family. They only have two lifes. They still jump in front of the danger to save you. You are imortal. You would do anything for them. In the end they will always be taken away.

So aaaaa! Incoherent noises! Skies forever blue!!!! Every single time I listen to that part of the song that is like "Ever since the day, we met a parcel of my mind's lost to you" I can only think about the day that Philza logged like 3am on the server to take care of Chayanne or when the players mentioned having real nightmares of their eggs getting hurt or how Forever created and built an entire system of protection so no one else would ever go thru the pain of losing their egg ever again.

Or or the part that is "Long as all the words you say are going straight to me, I'm enthralled ". I can perfectly picture Fit having flashbacks of those years he spent in that world of devastation and being brought to the reality by Ramon, his beautiful baby boy that makes his entire life worth it

I imagine Tallulah hugging and crying and showing Willbur all the letters she wrote while he was away at the part of "How you do and where you been and why you never call, say it all"

And aaaa there is so much more! Dapper and Bbh spending literal hours planning and building together and Richarlyson being a lil brat with his parents but loving them with his entire heart. Etoliess teaching Pomme how to fight and Baghera shielding her on the first day right after they met because she was in a corner scared. Vegetta and Foolish building a freaking mansion and train because Leonarda asked them for one....

And that is not even getting into how they behave w each other! Forever crying after visiting Tallulah's house, Bbh fighting in that dungeon and screaming for Richarlyson to stay back, to go home and be safe. Cellbit and Pomme always exchanging a different kind of flower when they see each other, Cellbit and Richas building a Coffe shop in homage for Bobby, Jaiden showing her secret house to Cellbit and Richas where she used to watch the sunset with Roier and Bobby. Roier and Leonarda getting into siblings fights. Foolish always teasing all the eggs everytime they see them. Felps pretending to be Richas and Richas pretending to be him. Philza protecting all the eggs that were left in his care when their parents went to explore the train. Baghera calling Bbh "bebbou" and making a room for Pomme in Cellbit's castle. Pac and Mike creating an entire room for hide and seek. Max and bbh creating more and more theories about how to escape from the island and destroy the federation. Chayanne being so protective of Tallulah. Dapper showing all his siblings how to build things they needed to complete his quests. Quackity calling Richas "mi hijo" and being sweet and spending time w him and saying "I love you more than the 1% of the parenthood I have over u". Dapper and bbh singing Happy Birthday for the eggs that have gone away. Everyone giving armor and everything else to Slime/Gegg so he wouldn’t be alone an unprotected. Baghera making an entire lullaby just for Pomme and each of them scheduling playdates w each other....

Every single time they call them MY son MI HIJA, MEU filho (idk how u say that in french :( ) like really??? That what you've all decided to do today?? To make me cry???

I just have a lot of feelings about qsmp man

#qsmp #I like to daydream about an animation w that song. Like. As if all the eggs had been taken away by the Federation that is now giving them-#-to the dragon. their ''real parent'' and Cucorucho is like 'don't worry about the players. they have been dealt w. desfruta la isla''#and all of them start having flashbacks of their times w their families and suddenly one of the walls explode and there are all the players #bleeding and fighting a bunch of mobs but the moment - the very moment they see the eggs. their kids. - they relax and start running and-#-now they are fighting 10000x more because their lil sons their lil daughters are right there and nothing else could ever matter than being #together again #and in the end the eggs put fheir armor and jump in to help their parents to fight and that is it. that is the whole daydream playing in my #head 24/7 #bless #fav #my stuff

19 notes · View notes

kjmcotton · 6 months

Text

The waltz of the ghosts-Jongdae

From the Halloween advent calendar🎃

Kim Jongdae x general!reader

Ghost!AU

Warnings:references to death,creepy content

If sensitive,please,don’t read

3:00 am

You shivered as soon as you saw the time on the clock:you didn’t want to hangout for that much,you had to work the next day;but,most of all,you didn’t want to hangout alone at such a time.

You weren’t a superstitious person,however,you couldn’t stop thinking about the old tale of the “waltz of the ghosts” your mum used to tell you when you were a kid.

She used to say that,at 3am,ghosts leave the graveyard to “dance their waltz” by haunting humans.

They would either scare them,creep them out or,if they were lucky,just fool around to have fun.

You knew very well that nothing was true,but those thoughts didn’t help you to calm down,otherwise you started fast walking towards your house.

You walked,and walked,and walked;you walked so fast that you didn’t even notice how you dumped into a man who spilled his bottle of Soju on your coat.

“I’m so sorry” he spoke,stepping back and noticing the big stain on the brown cloth

“It’s okay,don’t worry” you smiled nicely.

You looked at him under the dim light of the night:he was quite young and really pretty,but you had to admit that something was…off?

He was pale,thin,and even tho his eyes were shining with a sweet light his aura was odd,almost sinister.

“Let me help you clean it!” he said,trying to be nice

“You don’t have to!” you replied. You didn’t care about that stain,all you wanted was to go home and slide under the warm sheets of your bed

“I insist. It’s my fault,and this coat looks expensive” he said,leading you to a nearby bar. It was small and extremely characteristic.

“I’ll handle this on my own from now on” you talked,walking to the bathroom. It took you a while before successfully get rid of that stain,but,once you were done,you came back to the front where the man was buying himself a new bottle of Soju.

“What’s your name?” He asked as soon as he saw you

“Y/n” you spoke,coldly.

“What a nice name” he smiled

“Thank you I guess. May I ask yours?” you then demanded

“I don’t have one”

At those words you furrowed your eyebrows,confused,but you didn’t insist. You were now completely creeped out by that stranger,so you decided to thank him and leave.

You crossed the road and started speed walking again,head full of thoughts as you sometimes stopped and turned around:you felt like someone was following you, but anytime you found the courage to check no one was there.

With a sigh,you shrugged your shoulders and focused on the street.

Then,suddenly,someone grabbed your arm

You turned around in fear just to notice that man again

“What are you doing here?” you demanded,shrugging his hand off

“We’re going on the same direction” he explained himself.

You didn’t answer as you started walking again. He kept following you,staying a few steps behind.

Something was wrong…he was wrong. He wasn’t just following the same direction as yours,nor he was following you. You felt haunted:his presence was different. He was there but,at the same time,he wasn’t;he was silent,light,you couldn’t even hear his footsteps.

You shivered,turning around to ask him to leave you alone;but when you did he had already disappeared.

You looked around confused,then you noticed a cloth handkerchief on the ground.

You grabbed it,noticing an embroidery on the left corner:

Kim Jongdae

32 Gwanju Street

With a sigh you collected your little finding and went on the marked place the next day,regretting it immediately.

You ended up in the local cemetery and,right in front of you,there was the headstone of the said Kim Jongdae,also known to you as the stranger who spilled his Soju on your coat.

#kim jongdae #jongdae #chen x reader #chen x you #chen x y/n #jongdae x reader #jongdae x y/n #exo x reader #exo x y/n #exo x you #jongdae scenario #exo fanfic #exo imagines #kpop imagines #kpop fanfic #exo #spooktober #horror

4 notes · View notes

sapphire-wine · 1 year

Text

January 2023 Fic Recap

Hello everyone, each year I try to incorporate something new in my writing process (last year was a tracking excel sheet) to motivate me to write more. This year I’ll be trying to make a recap at the end of the month for the fics I’ve written complete with the title, summary, and some extra little thoughts on it. Since these might end up being long, they’ll be under the cut separated by rating.

Monkey brain: need to write each month so have more on list

Fics written Somewhere the Culture's Clever (G) Vocal Exercises (G) Got drunk on you and now I'm wasted (I'm gonna dream of how you tasted) (E)

General

Somewhere the Culture's Clever

“Kristoph asked me to marry him.” Phoenix reaches up to put a dried plate into the cabinet. He keeps his tone light, like he’s talking about the mail that came in that day. “About two weeks ago.” Miles doesn’t falter from his spot in front of the sink, sleeves pushed up to wash the dishes. He responds with casual curiosity. “Oh? And what did you say to him?” “‘What’s in it for me?’”

This was a fun little proposal fic that I used to get a lot of banter out of my system, Phoenix is a little shit! I had the idea for that dialogue exchange as an opener for a while so I was happy to finally get the rest of the fic written. You can tell where it just kept extending past what I originally thought the end would be because there were just so many more quips to write they wanted to keep talking. This fic actually did way better than I thought it was going to I wouldn’t be surprised if it stayed my most kudos’d for this year.

As per the endnote: if you didn’t know where the fic title was from, it’s from Paris from the 3am version of the Midnights tracks and the line before this is ‘I want to brainwash you into loving me forever’ which is a Very Feenie-Phoenix sentiment to me but I didn’t want to give the wrong impression of this fic by titling it that

Vocal Exercises

“That’s you. That’s what you sound like.” Phoenix dropped his tone and sighed. “‘Honestly Wright, do you truly expect me to believe this absolute drivel?’" Miles glared at him. “And who is that supposed to be?” “You! It sounds just like you!” “No, it doesn’t.” “You just don’t know what you sound like then.” “I can assure you I have the utmost knowledge of my diction.” “Those are just words. You’re just saying words right now hoping I’ll agree with you. But I won’t, because that sounded exactly like you.” What an idiot. ~~ In which Miles tries to navigate the fact that he is having feelings at work, Phoenix's "hidden talent", and almost breaking the man's nose, all before 1 pm.

A fic I had in my WIPs for over a year (I started it in December 2021) that I left alone for months because I could not figure out the beginning of it. This is another fic I used to just have a lot of back and forth between Narumitsu that is them at their most powerful to me. In the very first version of this idea it was a getting together fic, where all of their awkward interactions would have been a pining version instead of seeing how they are going to fit together as a couple. I think this version is much more fun to work with and people seemed to like the take on the early stage of their relationship (though I’ll admit I was not really thinking of that when I was writing it). I like seeing what people pick up on in my writing that I haven’t paid much attention to as I’m doing it. I will eventually finish chapter two.

Explicit

Got drunk on you and now I'm wasted (I'm gonna dream of how you tasted)

"Welcome home." He murmurs. Phoenix looks up at him and smiles. "I should be saying that to you, when did you get back?" "Around three." "You should have told me. I would have come home." "You were in a trial, if I recall correctly." "I could have found someone to cover for me. I missed you." ~~ When Miles gets back from a trip abroad, Phoenix takes the opportunity to ask for something new. He gets exactly what he bargained for, perhaps a little more.

Not much to say about this one, don’t look at me…

This was a gift for the lovely Samioli, because one of the things that fuels my writing is love for my friends (and also spite but that wasn’t involved here). I did in fact feel out of my element writing this but that’s how you improve. Thank you to all the people who said it was hot, I hope you followed Phoenix’s example.

And if you’ve gotten this far, a little WIP preview (from another fic that’s been in my WIPs for almost a year - a sequel even):

So, he didn’t make it home the night before. That much he could gather. He also had clothes, if the dulled rub against the sheets was anything to go by. Well… win some, lose some I guess. He was alone, judging from the lack of body heat in any direction next to him. In these conclusions, he was fairly confident he could take whatever came next. It was when he opened his eyes and saw Miles Edgeworth standing by the open curtains that all of that shakily built confidence left him.

#saph slappin the keyboard #saphs monthly fic recap #this is the new thing im trying out that i was talking about (bear with me)

11 notes · View notes

alittlebitgoofy · 2 years

Text

transgender dysphoria blues - dayasco

where did this come from? a half finished doc i decided to finish at 3am bc dysphoria and feelings, and a love of dayasco. i relate to bosco more than i really should so projection time :)

tw gender dysphoria

ao3 link

Daya felt something off as she came through the door, usually, Bosco would be around somewhere, usually on the couch watching anime or playing a game, wanting to relax after a day of work. Customer service did that to a person, she always turned to the door when Daya came home.

The silence was concerning, the leather jacket on the coat hook telling her they were at least home. Nothing was wrong this morning, she hadn’t received any texts out of the ordinary.

“Bosco?” She called out, anxiety growing at the lack of a response. Poking her head into their room and finding the girl, laying in darkness except for their bedside lamp, staring blankly up at the ceiling.

She poked their side, unsure how to approach them without irritating them. This wasn’t exactly something that happened. Daya hovered at the side of the bed, not wanting to push Bosco too much but also wanting to know what was going on.

“No,” Bosco said flatly, rolling over to bury her head into the pillow to avoid eye contact.

“Can I join you?” Daya asked, keeping her voice quiet.

“Just don’t talk to me.” Bosco’s voice stayed flat, Daya could feel the anger emanating from her girlfriend and chose not to push, instead of laying by her side, not touching them so as to not push them further.

Bosco lasted a few minutes before she moved again, shuffling over to lay her head on Daya’s chest. Daya felt their body trembling something though they stayed dead silent. She wrapped an arm around them, the other caressing her hair in the way Daya knew Bosco loved.

“You’re fucking lucky, you know that,” Bosco spoke up, leaning her head up to look at Daya, the scowl on her face holding strong as she just raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t have to try, people see you for you and you can dress and act how you want. If I don’t dress a certain way or wear the right makeup people just don’t see it. You’ll never get it and that’s a fucking blessing.”

Daya just nodded, knowing she just needed to listen.

“Why do people assume, are they too stupid not to notice a brightly coloured badge, or do they just take joy in needlessly gendering strangers? Do they get a kick out of it? It’s so humiliating to correct people but if you don’t it just hurts more. Not to mention the amount of people who think it’s easy, that you get on hormones and it flicks a switch. It takes so much fucking time but no most people just get born into the right body and you get forced to be something you’re not for your own safety. What the fuck?!” Bosco huffed, still leaning her head on Daya as they seethed.

“I don’t get it and I never will, but I’ll do everything I can to help and make sure you feel supported.”

Bosco stared back at her for a while, content with the answer and being able to voice their feelings. They stayed there for a while, comforted by the silence, Bosco knowing she was heard and Daya not wanting to push them from where they were comfortable.

Bosco breathed out a long sigh, whether it was out of contentment or tiredness Daya couldn’t quite tell. Her eyes were unfocused again, clearly consumed by thoughts again as she rolled to turn away. Staring up at the ceiling like it would answer their cries. Daya wanted to reach out and shake them, bring them back and into the moment, and just support them through it all but this was out of her control.

“You’re good. Why can’t they all be like you.”

“I don’t know, but I’ll beat up anyone who disrespects you.”

Bosco laughed weakly, at least one person had their back.

“Why after so long would they still call me that?” The anger started to crack, exhaustion clear in her voice as Bosco kept going. “I just wish it could all stop, that I didn’t have to look in the mirror and see something that looks almost right. Then something happens and it all comes crashing down again.”

Daya stayed silent, unsure how to respond without trivialising something she could never comprehend.

“It’s just….I’m so tired of it Daya. And the worst part is I can’t do anything about it.”

One of Daya’s hands snaked its way to Bosco’s back, rubbing it slowly.

“But you are doing something about it? Isn’t that what the hormones do?”

“Yeah, but they work slowly, there’s no instant fix.” Bosco’s eyes started to water, the intensity of their emotions finally catching up and spilling out. They were tears of frustration, so much pent up anger and hurt that keeping it in was no longer possible. Daya just held them, letting them burrow against her chest as if it would stop the world from existing for just a moment.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“....Tell me I’m pretty.” Bosco managed to mumble out meekly, as if they didn’t want Daya to hear it but knew she would no matter what.

“You are pretty, and I’m not just saying that because you’re my girlfriend. You’re beautiful and I honestly don’t know how anyone could see you as anything other than who you are.”

Bosco lifted their head up slightly, enough for Daya to see a smile slowly growing on their face.

“I don’t know how I got so lucky to end up with you sometimes, I always thought you were out of my league. But you were into me and we ended up here and I’m thankful for every day. The prettiest girl I’ve ever seen is my girlfriend.

“You’re such a softie.” Bosco laughed slightly, Daya relishing in the brief sound as Bosco moved to make eye contact with her.

“Only for you.” Daya cupped their face, sweeping back the hair that had fallen over their eyes with a soft smile. She gazed lovingly at the blonde, so visibly in love that it made Bosco start to feel lighter like everything was going to be okay.

She connected their lips into a warm, soft kiss. Bosco felt grounded, able to be comfortable in herself and with someone who saw her for who they really were. So many feelings welled up, warmth spreading throughout their body as Daya’s lips moved to press over their cheek over and over, murmuring how much she loved them as if the words would lose all meaning when she stopped.

Maybe it was going to be okay, eventually. The world would start seeing her for the woman she was. If not, there would always be someone there to fight for her.

One day.

#dayasco #rpdr fanfiction #daya betty #bosco #tw gender dysphoria

36 notes · View notes

ask-paradox-and-friends · 2 months

Text

Welp. You said so. So I'll make up a horror story. Just give me a second to think long term but I'll get this short plot out of the way.

UNKNOWN PLACE AT UNKNOWN LONGITUDE UNKNOWN LONGITUDE UNKNOWN TIME

'I had been here for an hour. And nothing...or at least I think it's been an hour? I can't tell'

Thought the poor soul who had been wandering the land he was in. It all started when he found a bag. A bag that was nothing too special. It was a simple purple bookbag any little boy or girl would use to walk into a school like any other person like you or me would see and not think about. They knew there was a name tag on it showing it had more then one previous owner but now. Now they were here. This place. There wasn't much different from the outside of the bag. The sky was clear and cloudless. The sun shined the grass was green. But...things made less sense the more they thought about it. There was bird sounds yes. But no matter what they did they never found the birds that made sounds. The grass was soft but never grew or died. The sky nevered moved the moon and sun were always in the sky but also never moved. The darkness always stayed and the brightness stayed till some odd..time? Chance? Event that made the "day" and the "night" swap places. The thing that baffled the traveler more was that there was the people....if you can call them that.

The traveler kept walking and saw the nearest town. They had been to 2 towns so far. The first one was a town full of people with stitches that had buttons for eyes and zippers for mouths. These people were talkative but talked like young children. Or at least a child trying to sound adult. These people were always creepy no matter they did. They could be petting cats that barely moving playing with plush toys or even counting buttons and zippers along with needles. And it always rubbed them the wrong way. This town was hopefully better...no scratch that. They're wrong too.

These people were worse. These beings don't look human. Or well if they were human they didn't look right. The "humans" had limbs or smiles too wide or moved incorrectly. One just moved their wrists and fingers like they were made of a inflatable pool noodle. Another was far too tall and boney so they were hunched over. The last one had her? Face upside down. Eventually the traveler soon finds a large map of the areas they gently pulled put a toy camera they found on a....broken toy? It was a wind-up solider with missing legs a shattered arm and a caved in face showing that the insides were gooey ink and paint in simplified attempts to recreate human antimony with drawings and more. Didn't help their bones were shattered in ways that made it look like they got mauled but whatever the equivalent of a bear was here. Their bones also looked like plastic or metals. When the traveler took a photo of the map they heard a voice. It belonged to a ragged dirty worn out and badly smudged doll. It looked like it was made of faded procaline. They remember seeing a movie based around a toy like that. Claimed they were a very VERY old brand.

"Oh hello young traveler. I take it you are headed to find our mama?"

'....'

"Not mama? Maybe mommy? Auntie? Uncle? Grandpa? Grandma?"

'...'

"Oh I'm sorry. I'm Mister Sen Say"

'...'

"You came from that bad scary place? Oh really scary makes us think there's boogeymen in there."

'....'

"Maybe people go in and never come back and we have to say bye-bye every time."

'...'

The talk was long and confusing they eventually got them to tell the point. They wanted directions to a way home. The elder doll said that the big city might have the way but the big city was far far away. They then asked that they'd ask Big Brother Freddy. But...something told them Big Brother Freddy wasn't going to like them.

As the traveler left and took a small dirt path down a certain way to go to a new town a new place to explore whatever they're in.

MEANWHILE WITH AN UNKOWN FIGURE

A beast loomed a broken toy to which it dragged the toy away that was soon put into a large box labeled 'Repair' and dragged the box away.

The beast soon loomed closer to the edge of the nearby terrain the knuckles dragged tearing up the ground showing that the very foundation of the very dirt was nothing more then course sand that seemed to work like some kinetic sand as the long pale bone thin with thinner skin wrapped around a rather thick tree made of cardboard the beast stored at the intruder and makeing tiny cracking sounds as their body moved and twisted while warped and hissing out.

"Soooonnnnnn....soooonnnn..."

#story

1 note · View note

gabechevarriaaa · 4 months

Text

NOVEMBER 9, 2017

TESTIMONIAL DINNER SPEECH

Let me start from the beginning.

Entering UP, I never really wanted to be a CPA. I didn’t even know exactly what “accounting” was. I pursued it because it has been my family’s dream for me for the longest time I could remember, and because at that time, I didn’t know what to do with my life anyway.

By 3rd year college, I was miserable. I hated it. I was failing quizzes and exams. And it was new to me, having been an achiever all throughout elementary and high school. The more I felt frustrated by my grades and couldn’t tell my family about it because they have such expectations from me, the more I turned to debate because at least it was something I felt that I was good at.

This went on over my last years in college. Failing exams, taking removals, failing removals – it goes on and on. It’s not like I didn’t study because I knew I did. I didn’t know what I kept doing wrong. I didn’t know why I still couldn’t understand. I didn’t know where to get the same determination that my classmates had. Sometimes at 3AM before a 9AM exam, you just find yourself crying.

I didn’t blame anyone for my frustrations, and I never faulted my family for letting me take up Accountancy. At a certain point I accepted I was a mediocre student and all I could do was survive, sem after sem, and aspire to graduate on time.

I did. But that isn’t the real goal isn’t it? Not the reason why you’re still all here fighting? Because deep inside, amidst the temptations to just give up, we don’t just want that sablay. We want that title.

Around a month before leaving for review, it was like a truck hit me. It all suddenly became real to me – that I was leaving home in the pursuit of a title that is the key to my future. Honestly, I was scared because I knew I didn’t know enough at that point, and I couldn’t fathom how 5 months could be enough to relearn everything. But instead of letting my fear get the best of me, this time I was resolved to claim it. No more playing around. No matter how hard, I was going home a CPA.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any more pressured and stressed at this crucial point in my life, I lost a treasured long-term relationship. It's no secret. And no words could describe the magnitude of how devastated I was. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't find the focus to study. I couldn't think through the pain and the anger. In every way, I felt lost.

But then, in seemingly a flashing moment, I realized my dreams were independent of temporary people. I am Gabriela Echevarria, and I was going to be a CPA before the year ends, with or without a boyfriend. So I got my shit together.

But it wasn't easy. You can't be strong by tomorrow and without any help. Moving on from someone, and moving towards a goal required time, prayer, and a lot of work. And on my part, a lot of drinks. I needed to constantly remind myself that no heartbreak, no temporary person, is worth losing the CPA dream for. I wasn’t going to be a CPA for a future I envisioned with someone else… I was going to be a CPA for myself. And of course my family.

I lost so much in Iloilo but it gave me back so much more. I was at my lowest point. I lost a love I thought would stay but it was also there that I learned to love even better. Myself. My family. Old and new friends. One unexpected special person…from Davao. Sa Iloilo ako nasaktan, pero sa Iloilo din ako natututong magmahal ulit. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

The girl who boarded the plane to Iloilo is not the same girl who boarded the plane back home. Because the girl that the island met carried with her a mountain of self-doubt, whether or not she could do enough to pass the boards that October. But the girl who went back home, is someone I could say, is a girl that I actually like – stronger; knows what she deserves and will not simply settle; believes in her capability to achieve what she puts her mind into; understands that the probability of failure is always on the horizon; trusts that God has His own perfect timing; and knows that everything happens for a reason and a purpose, at the time they are supposed to happen.

If I was sitting there now with you, listening to my speech, this is what I would tell my undergrad self:

First. You are not your INCs, or your failed exams. Your future self is not defined by who you are or the level you are at right now. It is never too late for you.

Second. You have your own path, you have your own journey, and you have your own struggles. Stop comparing yourself to your classmates and stop underestimating yourself. You are stronger than this.

And, third. No matter what you're going through, no matter how insurmountable it seems, and no matter how small you feel in the circumstances you are facing...find comfort in people who would support you unconditionally.

The silver lining of my journey is that success tastes sweeter now after everything I've been through. Through it all -- the cluelessness with which I entered UP, the failures in undergrad, heartbreak, homesickness, unwanted plot twists in life, but as well as all the happiness and the blessings -- CPA 2017 is real for me. I claimed it.

0 notes

up-phucked · 2 years

Text

Dear ***,

I just wanted to tell you that I liked you. We’ve only been talking for a couple of months and only hung out a handful of times, but that was enough to get me to fall for you. I’ve always found you cute, from the day we first met. It was almost like love at first sight, but I kept my distance because you were just another straight guy with a pretty face. I’ve been through this before: finding straight guys attractive and just making up scenarios in my head to entertain myself, but things were different with you – you actually took the first step and talked to me. I was surprised but thought nothing of it because why would I? Maybe you were just genuinely curious about what was happening in my Instagram stories and about what was going on in my life. But then you started to flirt and I got roped in. I enjoyed talking to you because it felt like the famous “talking stage.” We had conversations everyday that were more than just small talk. We both exchanged flirty messages and it had me thinking that you were actually interested, but I still chose to protect my heart and not get into it too much. Then came the first day we actually hung out. I was so convinced that you didn’t actually care about me and that I was just in my head, but then you messaged me asking me to hangout, just one-on-one. Maybe you were actually uncomfortable coming to chill with my friends and I, but it was nice that you preferred it to be just us. That night, I didn’t know what to think. It felt like we were on an actual date. You came over to my house to pick me up. We could’ve just met at the place but you insisted. Then you showed me how considerate you are. I know it’s small, but when you offered to eat the tail pieces because I don’t like them, it really won me over. After that, you paid for my dinner and didn’t even give me a chance to ask the waitress to split it or give me the machine. After that we spent so much more time getting to know each other. We spent an hour just sitting outside in your car at the restaurant just talking and then you drove me home and we did the same thing for even longer. It was our first time truly hanging out but you chose to be vulnerable around me. You brought up your past, your desires, and how you’ve been feeling overall in terms of companionship. What was I supposed to think? There’s no way that guys do this with their friends. Even for myself, I would’ve driven my friend home and they would’ve gotten out of the car the second we pulled up to the house. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but I had a good time. It made me feel good to think that it was a date, that maybe you were looking for something more. Then I initiated our second time. I asked you to hangout and you agreed, simple as that. This time we planned to meet at the location but you changed your mind and came to pick me up again. It was odd, however. You were literally a minute away from the place but you decided that you’d come all the way to my house, pick me up, and drive all the way back? That’s got to count for something! Our dessert date felt more like a friendship this time around but there were so many subtle things that I could pick up on. You let me play with your hands, you just randomly showed me a text from your friend asking if we were on a date. These things felt deliberate, almost as if you were trying to tell me something. Then you drove me home and we stayed outside my house, again, but until 3am. That’s pretty late. Even if I was having a heart to heart with my bestest friend, I would’ve booted her but 12am, the latest. This is when I really started to fall for you. You showed me who you were as a person. I got a taste of all of your music interests, which just so happened to be the same as mine. I got to see parts of your personality, good and bad. I just felt like we connected so much more and that’s when I realized that I truly liked you. You checked off all the boxes for the things that I want in a partner. Whenever I fantasize about my dream man, he’s almost exactly like you. Then I schemed to have you join my friends.

I asked you to hangout once more the following day, but this time you’d be joining my friends and I. Surprisingly, you agreed to this and actually came out. I really doubted that you would come but you did. This might’ve been one of the best nights I’ve had in a while because it was so fun and it seemed like you were getting more comfortable with me and what I was thinking was becoming true. You played with my hair, you put your hands on my thighs, you called me hubby material – you must be trying to tell me something. I won’t get too much into this night, but I definitely enjoyed it. A few days past and my overthinking gets the best of me and I finally decide that you don’t like me like that. I’m just in over my head and delusional. Then you replied to my story that was titled “thinking of her.” That’s when I knew. You still liked another girl and that was the end. But we kept talking and you confused me even more. You didn’t use any pronouns, no “he” or “she” to describe the person you like. Then to top it off, you immediately sent me a song by keshi called “IT’S YOU.” Now you can imagine where my head went after that. The conversation we had to alleviate our overthinking only had me doing it more. We opened up a bit more and now I was thinking I was back in the running. Fast forward to tonight.

You went on a date. I know you said the date was awful and I believed it. But the worst part was when you said that it only had you thinking of your crush more. You said, “Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her.” I didn’t have to totally abort the mission so I decided to ask one more thing, “Did you ever tell her how you feel?” Once you said yes, it all came crashing down. It was clear to me who you were talking about because I already know the history that you guys had together. But this part just broke my heart.

So now I’m wondering why. Why did you spend these past couple months talking to me so much? Why did you send me all these signals to make me think that we were more than friends? Why did you treat me like someone you were interested in? You led me on, and I’m honestly hurt by it. I don’t know if this was intentional but you can’t be that naïve. You must have known what you were doing. I don’t know if you’ll ever know what I’m feeling, maybe one day you will, but I’m writing this letter to you and to myself. Tonight’s the night that I work towards moving on. No more overthinking and wondering what we could be, because now I know the truth, and although it hurts, and I can finally be at peace.

- ****

0 notes

princessresurrection13 · 2 years

Text

Taking Care Of My Loved One's

It has been really hot these past few days. Central Texas has been under a heat advisory. Dad for some reason decides he wants to be in the garage and messing with his car. I remind him too not stay outside too long and drink lots of cold water. Apparently he was changing his spark plugs. My dad always does things like this. When its super hot he wants to cut the grass or fix his car. The other day mom accidently left the hot water running in the kitchen sink, I turned it off. My parents get so busy sometimes that they leave the stove on and I turn it off. My baby sis tells me a lot to reminder her of doctor's appointments for example, or that she needs to call the doctor. I really don't mind at all taking care of my family. The way I see it, if no one else is going to, I might as well. The other day, I noticed on the camera a man who was being nosey. He rang the doorbell and kept looking around the house. I tell my mom, and she tells me it was the terminx guy. Nobody noticed except for me. I made a comment to my mom that its a good thing I take care of the house, and she replies she cannot deny it, because its so true. I am used too checking to make sure the doors are locked or checking the house camera or telling them important breaking news. I also check the neighborhood app, and if I find something interesting I share what I saw. You can never be too careful or vigilant, with the increasing crime rate. Or silly teenagers scaring the neighbors by loudly knocking on the door at 3AM. Or fools that break into peoples cars. Some man I think a few weeks ago made a comment saying that he moved because people were putting cameras up, and that the neighbors put up cameras because of the basketball hoops in the driveways. This man lived across the street from us. First of all sir, you must not be paying attention to the news, and second of all we have a right to protect our home. If we were uncomfortable we would have moved a long time ago, we love our house and our neighborhood. Anyway just call me your princess, my guardian angel. Actually don't, that sounds so corny and silly. I really hope the heat doesn't get any worse. I am so grateful that I have a portable AC, the only drawback is its pretty loud, and I need to clean the dust bunnies from the air filters. I hope everyone stays ice cold and has yummy ice cream!

#Personal #June 14th 2022 #Long Post #Jacqueline

0 notes

kikixreverie · 3 years

Note

Hi- may I ask for an angst-mix with Bucky x reader: she had her share of abusive/toxic relationships in her past, but it was nothing she spoke of, and not now when she had James. It wasnt like she thought she was gonna be triggered again, not by him, any other guy- buy not her Bucky! Some tiny bickering evolved to a large dispute, and before she knew what was happening, she shied away from him, making herself small, awaiting the blow - that never came... And instead she was overcome by shame...

Pasts and Apologies

Bucky x Fem!reader

Word count - 3k

Warnings - Mentions of domestic abuse from ex, some descriptions of abuse, angst, trauma

A/n - Okay I definitely went hard on the angst for this one. I kinda just went off on one so not so much bickering and more just a full blown argument but I've been feeling kinda angsty lately so I kinda accidentally made this darker than I expected. Please read the warnings and do not read if you think this could trigger you.

------------------------------------------------

Love had not been kind to you before Bucky. Every decent memory of your ex was clouded with uncertainty, you would walk on eggshells around him, terrified that saying the wrong thing would set him off and you'd be calling Sam again, sobbing down the phone, cradling another bruise at the hands of your 'partner'.

You were together for years, devoted to and unconditionally in love with the man that you had met in high school. Childhood sweethearts.

He always was quick to anger and he wasn't shy about that. He never had any issues with shouting at you when you pissed him off, just as he never had issues with shouting at his mother or younger brother, but at the time, you had always stood up for yourself and defended the poor woman, making him apologise, and he let you, he always let you clean up his messes.

The first few years were spent in ignorant bliss, you constantly ignored the fear that would creep up your spine when he got angry, but you could manage a screaming match or two, you could manage it all because you loved him, you depended on him despite that he wasn't at all dependable.

The arguments were tough, but you never expected it to go further than that, but eventually, it did.

The first time he was physically aggressive was on his 22nd birthday. He had insisted that he spend his birthday with his friends, calling it a guys night, and you were fine with that, you knew how handsy he got when he was with his friends anyway, so you spent the day with him instead, making sure to keep him happy and spoilt rotten.

As the night crept on, you had tried to wait up for him to return, just as he had asked, but as it passed 3am you decided that he wouldn't mind you going to bed since you had work the next day, so you crawled into bed and fell asleep, a mistake, at the time, you didn't know you had made.

When he returned half an hour later to see you unconscious, he woke you up with his shouting, angry that you hadn't stayed up for him, convinced that you were ruining his night on purpose. The loud awakening was enough alone to trigger your fight or flight but when he threw the duvet off you and grabbed your ankle so tightly you knew a bruise would form, you were terrified. He dragged you off the bed and pushed you towards the door, telling you to fuck off, and you did, tears streaming down your face as you laid awake on the couch till morning.

It only got worse from there, when he realised that he could hurt you and get away with it, it became his favourite past time, he'd look for reasons to shout at you, make you do things that would piss him off just so he'd have a reason to be cruel.

When Sam started noticing dark bruises on your skin, he was livid, and despite how often you'd try to convince him that it's just clumsiness, Sam knew better.

There were rare days that you would have long conversations with Sam, you'd talk about how you'd lost all your friends and distanced yourself from your family but you didn't blame your abuser, you blamed only yourself, and Sam would beg you to leave him but you'd be sobbing in his arms, telling him that you still loved the man who hurt you, that he didn't really mean to hurt you and you'd feel even more guilt if you ever got him in trouble for it.

It was a long and hard journey, but the moment you told Sam that you wanted out, he was there for you, offering you to stay at his place and helping you call the cops. He gave you all the resources he could possibly find through the VA and set you up with an amazing therapist and eventually you were living in your own place, talking to old friends again, and filing a restraining order against your ex.

It was nearly two years later when you met him. Introduced through Sam, you met the love of your life on a Sunday. He was quiet and focused, with hard eyes scanning the room, looking for escape routes, analysing people's faces.

You smiled gently at him when you met, opting for a small nod in greeting instead of a handshake. You stayed near him for the remainder of the gathering, not pressuring him to speak to you, just sitting in silence. You were drawn to him, his behaviour was so similar to yours.

You knew what it felt like to want to just blend into the corner, to stay unnoticed, you understood the need to know how to escape a room, and you saw the way he hesitantly returned your smile and then struggled to chase his smile away once you had sat down beside him.

You and Bucky soon became each other's rocks, always there for the other on the hard days, days that you would spend just walking or reading together in calm silence. There was no doubt that the two of you loved each other, and after months and months of trying to hide longing glances and blushing cheeks, you finally confessed to each other, and the rest was history. You trusted him like you had never trusted anyone before.

As your relationship progressed, Bucky started to notice some strange things in your behaviour, how you'd always ask his permission for you to go out with friends, how you were always quick to apologise in any situation and distanced yourself from him when he was the slightest bit irritated.

He had tried to ask you about it, but you always changed the subject as soon as it was mentioned, ensuring him that it was nothing to worry about.

To tell the truth, you were embarrassed, you were ashamed that your ex still had this effect on you, and no matter how many times you told yourself that he would never, that your Bucky would never, your brain refused to allow you to believe it and you continued with the odd behaviour that you used as a defence mechanism when in the abusive relationship.

You never spoke out of line, you never asked him where or who he was going out with, and you never let small bickering escalate.

It was only after you had overheard Sam and Bucky in a heated conversation, Sam scolding Buck for being reckless and stupid during a mission, that you had your first argument with him.

You had called Sam while Bucky was at the store, convincing him to tell you what had happened and after a few minutes of guilt-tripping, Sam finally confessed that Bucky had practically ran into open fire, endangering himself in an attempt to shut down a Hydra base, it could've very easily been fatal, and it wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

You knew it was wrong, you knew you should've just asked Bucky about it, but you couldn't help yourself, and you knew that Bucky would've downplayed the whole situation.

When he returned home you were pacing up and down in the living room, chewing the inside of your cheeks and your nails to pieces because you could've lost him, Bucky could've died and he was acting as if it were nothing.

"Doll?" You could hear the worry in his voice as he placed the shopping bags on the kitchen counter and walked over to you, standing in front of you to stop your movement, pulling your hand from your mouth and kissing your knuckles.

It was supposed to calm you, and it almost did, but as his soft lips grazed your hand, and his eyes met yours, your mind kept wandering to the fact that he could've died.

This moment could've never happened, instead, you'd have Sam or Steve at your door, trying to deliver the news of their best friend's death, your lover.

"Honey speak to me" He looked utterly confused, but the look only made you feel angry.

How could he be so reckless?

"I just got off the phone with Sam."

He froze, eyebrows furrowing and taking a step away from you, waiting for you to explain.

Your gaze didn't move from the floor, trying to even out the anger and worry rushing through you, settling like a heavy rock in your stomach.

"He told me about the missions, about how you've been acting."

"What do you mean, how I've been acting?" He scoffed, sounding offended, and you sighed.

"How reckless you've been acting. Sam said that Tony's considering pulling you out of missions! How many times have you endangered yourself like this? How many times is it gonna take for you to realise that you could fucking die out there, James."

Your voice was stern, and the tone felt foreign against your tongue. Bucky's kept his face hard, refusing to show any emotion, but you could see the way his jaw clenched harshly, eyes glued to the corner of the room, ignoring your fiery glare.

"Were you ever going to tell me? I thought that all the injuries you got were fairly normal for the jobs you do, but when I hear that you run into open fire, that you make decisions on your own before talking to your team, that you've gotten fucking stabbed in the past, and you never told me, how do you expect me to react?"

He sighed heavily through his nose, jaw ticking in annoyance towards his friend, angry that he had told you even though it wasn't his place.

"I told him not to tell you." His voice was gruff, the words spoken harshly under his breath and you felt your anger flair again.

"What and you think that's okay?!"

His gaze shot to yours, looking at you incredulously.

"Bucky we're partners! You're supposed to tell me this shit, you're supposed to tell me when you've nearly died on a mission, you're supposed to trust me."

"You think I don't trust you?!" His voice was slightly raised and you felt your annoyance spike, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."

"Of course I'm gonna worry, James. This is a big deal, I can't believe you've been getting seriously injured and not telling me."

"Well, I don't think it's that big of a deal, Sam shouldn't have fucking told you. This wouldn't be happening if he had just kept his mouth shut, but no! Of course not!" Bucky's eyebrows were drawn in tight with annoyance, wishing you'd just drop the subject, "I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing."

"What the hell do you mean 'You know what you're doing?' You know that you're not supposed to endanger yourself to complete a mission, yet you do it anyway. I'm glad Sam told me because otherwise, I doubt I'd ever find out!."

"I don't see how what I do on missions is anything to do with you. Sam is exaggerating. I'm fine!"

As Bucky's voice raised, you started to lose focus, flashbacks of your past echoing in your mind and in his annoyance, Bucky didn't notice the way your eyes had gone distant, losing sight of the man in front of you, the man you loved, and forming the image of the man you still see in nightmares, the man you're so terrified of seeing in the street that you haven't stepped foot in Queens since leaving him.

You could almost feel the sting of his palm against your cheek, the burn of his hand, tight around your wrist, and you tried to remind yourself that it wasn't real. It had been months since you'd had an episode, and your steps to control them were hard to find with the false image of your abuser so clear in front of you.

"Are you even listening to me?" The statement dragged you back to reality and you felt yourself calm when your eyes focused in on Bucky, reminding yourself that your ex wasn't here, that Bucky wasn't like that, he would never, but as he raised his arm to push his hair out of his face, everything flew out the window and in the moment, you were 21 again and you were sure he was going to hit you, your exes face flashing behind your eyes again.

You flinched, a gasp falling from your lips as your eyes squeezed shut and your head ducked down, breathing heavily through your nose as you awaited the hit.

Time slowed.

Bucky froze completely, his eyes wide and frantic as he quickly stumbled away from you, shaking his head as self-hatred ran through his veins, disgusted at himself for making you think even in the slightest, that he would ever hurt you.

"Doll?" He sounded absolutely broken.

Your head shot up, panic flooding through you when you realised what you had done and pain replacing the feeling when you saw the agony on Bucky's face.

"Y/n, I- I would never-" He kept his voice at a pained whisper, not wanting to scare you further as he stayed at a distance.

You collapsed to the floor, sitting on your knees as the weight of the situation pulled you down. Your hands raised to cover your mouth as a sob threatened to tear through you, so fucking ashamed of what had just happened, so fucking ashamed that your ex had done this to you, and you had let him for so long, ashamed that he still haunted you.

"Babydoll I-" He struggled to find the words, terrified that he had just lost you, wanting to reach out and hold you but scared shitless of hurting you more than he already had, "I don't know what- I'm so fucking sorry y/n, I can't- I can't even fathom the thought of-"

His voice trailed off, unable to even say the words and you felt your guilt tenfold.

"N-No Bucky, I'm sorry I thought-" You struggled to speak through your crying, hot tears flowing down your cheeks as you rocked yourself gently in an attempt to self-soothe.

"Why are you apologising honey? This is on me, this is-"

"No, it isn't, I promise Buck this isn't you, it's.." You couldn't get the words out, you couldn't tell him, "Just come here, please."

You wanted him to wrap his arms around you, you needed him to know that it wasn't him, you know the way his mind works and you knew that by now he would already be drowning in guilt and self-hatred.

"I don't think that I should. I don't want to hurt you, I can't- I can't hurt you" You smiled at him gently through your tears and your chin wobbled as you saw the tears running down his cheeks too.

"It's okay. I'm okay Bucky, I just- I-I need you over here, I need you - I need you to touch me. I need you."

He was over in an instant, falling to the floor beside you and letting out a huge sigh of relief when you instantly wrapped yourself around him, tucking your head into the crook of his neck and crawling into his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible, to rid the memories of the pain, to remind yourself that his touch is good, his touch is safe.

Arms enveloped you and he held you as tight as possible, the both of you crying.

After the two of you had calmed down and a comfortable silence enveloped you, Bucky knew he would have to break it.

"Why did you think that I would hit you?" He asked, his voice tentative and gentle and you sighed, knowing that it was time for you to tell him.

"I didn't, I don't, I promise."

You lifted your head from his shoulder but still stayed on his lap, instead, resting your forehead against his.

"Then why-?"

"I thought I was better, I-I thought it was all over but I just- I lost myself again. Everything got all foggy and I lost where I was and I just, I thought I was there but-" The floodgates opened again and you knew that Bucky had no clue what you were talking about but the words just kept coming.

Bucky's eyebrows were furrowed tightly and when your vague, confusing explanation only made his worry grow, he felt himself pulling you even tighter against him.

"Doll, Did someone hurt you? Is that why you're always walking on eggshells around me? Is that what the nightmares are about?" He struggled against the words, not wanting to say them because he didn't want to believe them and he watched in agony as you swallowed hard and nodded slowly, your hands coming to rest on the back of his neck as you continued to hold your forehead against his.

He refused to let his anger show, he wouldn't do that to you, especially with you so fragile, but he couldn't hide the pained shaky breath he let out at your confession, "Fuck, I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. Was it your ex? Did he hurt you?"

You nodded again, doing your breathing exercises, and calming yourself so that you could explain your situation fully to your partner.

"I should've told you, I know, I just, I'm so angry that I'm still like this, I just wish it would all go away and I could forget about what he did. I thought I was better. I can't stand that I'm still so haunted by that asshole" Bucky nodded along as you spoke, brushing his fingers up and down your back to help calm you.

"It's okay, Doll. Things like that don't just go away. Believe me, I wish they did too, but things will get better, I promise you that. Thank you for telling me."

You scoffed in self-deprecation, "I should've told you ages ago."

"That doesn't matter, you've told me now, and I'm sure it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing" His voice was so gentle, his hands caressing your back almost making you feel sleepy.

"And Buck?" He hummed in response, letting you know that he was listening, "About the mission thing, I'm just worried about you. I can't lose you, I need you, and I need you alive."

A gentle smile lifted his frown and he nodded in understanding, feeling bad for getting mad in the first place, and you leaned back, looking down at him, your hands playing with his hair.

"I know. I'm sorry for being an idiot, It's just so hard to look at them and remember what they did to me and know what they've done to so many innocent people and I just lose it, all rationality out the window" You nodded at him, understanding how painful some of the missions must be.

"I'm sorry I got so upset with you, and I'm sorry I went to Sam instead of talking to you. Don't be mad at him, I kinda forced him to tell me" You gave him a sheepish look and he breathed out a small laugh, his nose crinkling like you always loved.

"It's okay doll, I'm sorry for being so careless and hiding the stuff about the missions, I promise I'll be more careful, I gotta make sure I always come home to my sweet girl. And don't worry about Sam, you deserved to know and I know what you're like."

You tutted at him and he smiled in response, the adorable, loving look on his face making you pull him into the sweetest, softest kiss which he instantly returned.

After sitting together in each others embrace for a while, the yawns eventually started. You were both positively exhausted from all the emotions you had both just experienced so Bucky wrapped your legs around his waist and lifted you both from the floor, discarding the groceries still left in bags in the kitchen and carrying you to bed, holding you as close as physically possible as you both drifted off to sleep.

#bucky oneshot #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky barnes oneshot #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #james buchanan barnes #bucky requests

834 notes · View notes