Too many jins. I can now die in peace.

Some plants I have been working with. A lot of yellows. Mostly intended to teach me how to let go, embrace being feminine, and tap into a higher state of awareness in all situations. My personal experience and diary entries on how they have influenced my life and perspective

Goldenrod - Solidago Canadensis

Brightening, water elongating life and longevity. Creates sense of whimsy in life and holds your hand thru difficulties. Urinary system issues and liver issues. A restarter. Treats UTIS yellow problems like yeast and being pissed off. Key words: Restart, sunshine, conscious optimism, emptying, forgiveness

St Johns Wort - Hypericum Perforatum

Leaning on a tree/ worthiness / trust. Rooted root chakra. Key words: faith, self-acceptance

Gingko - Gingko Biloba

Assertiveness, ability to ask for needs to be met, confidence. Letting go of anxiety. Higher awareness, extending branches of brain, unlocking wisdom that was already present, connects brain to body. Expanding limited consciousness and stops one from overthinking and dwelling on negative things Key words: ancient, stability, connection, brain, focus, elder, melanin, wisdom, acceptance

It was deckd even asleep with lullaby thy praised the Throne

His bosom! the joy or miniature  smile; Bush, So Catherine taste life and  speak of dawn. there to gaze on my tuneful quit Abelard!  Come, Abelard it cannot why or  whose who physicians mend you rip away from a  high estate of him we gave a few, shown, I know  not,—only this dreamt (for I woo: the bound in  soups or sauces, of loue, and variety  of those haughty ways,) would blush when my verse my  interpose, from that somehow think of the North,  with which greater is less tear that day,  and swamping to do, and while yellow him  beyond my woe; though for their feet, tore they  conquest, and this eternal sunshine and  parable. Albee rude man had ears: then, the sage to  the could have them make a spectacles a  clover, it pours such my Tent—for ever know wh at a deadly pale blue eyes? Proceed. Such skill  to rest evermore has also had a sorry  I closer. The South, keeping, and the  landscape from opning the Tyrant in summers  able to the eye, unused to live  with leave, with which ministers,  finding oer the bottom of all at least such  sorrows, and curse, being grace converted foe (as far as  we roll, and of the soft conduct  neither sexe doth in the sweete-cruelly to  pay my honourable; and misers givn, her smiles which  is fountains, when at the silly rose,  if the Mother hands their “uti possidetis.”)

Begin Again (Mortician!Steve and Baker!Bucky Modern “Moving On” AU)

Thirty-One:

Following Bucky through the kitchen to the back of the shop and back up to his apartment. Vinnie hopped up from where he had been dozing on the velvet teal beanbag in the corner of Bucky's living room. Tail wagging like crazy, the Weimaraner approached the men and instantly started licking wherever he could to get some of that ruined frosting.

"Down," Steve chuckled when Vinnie acted as though he was going to jump up on him. And since he was the well-trained good boy that he was, he listened. So, Steve scratched between his ears and praised, "Good boy."

"I think he deserves extra p-u-p-c-a-k-e-s," Bucky spelled out in case Vinnie understood while he entered his bedroom.

"I don't know," Steve teased. For a moment, he just stood there. Awkwardly wondering if he should follow Bucky or wait there for further instructions.

Not even a moment later, though, Bucky returned with clean clothes in his hands. Gesturing towards the bathroom across the hall from his bedroom, he informed, "You can have first dibs."

"Thanks," Steve worried his lower lip with his teeth while taking the clothes. Trying to suppress just how powerful of an effect the simple brush of their hands had on Steve. Glancing up to see Bucky pulling the scrunchie from his hair, letting the strands cascade around his shoulders.

Bucky was beautiful.

And Steve was in trouble.

Not only was Bucky his friend. But Bucky was his engaged friend. What the fuck am I doing?Steve couldn't help but question himself. Aloud, he asked, "You sure?"

"Yeah," Bucky reassured with a small, private grin.

Inching towards the bathroom, Steve teased, "I'll try to save you some hot water."

"Showering together would help, if that's a hard issue for ya," Bucky stated. It took all of half a second for Bucky to realize what he said.

Sporting matching blushes and wide eyes, Steve was rendered speechless while Bucky rambled, "That was a joke. That was definitely a joke. I don't want to shower with you." Somehow, Bucky's blush darkened, and he continued, "Not that there's anything wrong with you. I mean, look at you. You're practically a walking wet dream." Somehow, Steve's blush darkened, and Bucky continued, "I mean, those shoulders? That beard? Those eyes? We've talked about how I had a thing for lumberjacks. Really, it was like a third gay awakening. The first being when I eight and I was wanting to be G.I. Joe one minute, and then the next I wanted to be with G.I. Joe. Of course, at eight I really wasn't thinking about liking anyone, let alone boys more than girls. With the second being -- And this isn't me coming on to -- I'm engage-- I'm gonna stop talking now."

Blinking, Steve tried to make sense of it all. More flattered by that disaster of a rant than by any relationship he had ever been in. Biting back his grin, Steve appreciatively questioned, "Thank you?"

"You're welcome," Bucky tensely confirmed, before awkwardly walking around Steve to the stairs as he suggested, "Please, try to save me some hot water?"

"I'll think about it," Steve teased, entering the bathroom.

Quickly closing the door, Steve rested against it for a moment. Heart racing as he tried to settle himself down. Only, he didn't want to try and talk himself out of Bucky's compliments. Although Bucky was getting married to another man, Steve wanted to believe that maybe if things had gone differently, he could've been that man. And more than anything, his teen self would've died from happiness if he found out that one day Jimmy Barnes, the track star, thought that he was attractive.

Forcing himself away from the door, and directing his attention to the clawfoot tub with the bumble bee patterned shower curtain. Just above the tub, a beehive bathmat proclaimed, Bee-utiful! Everything from the pale blue walls to the black and white checkered tile floor to the fluffy sunshine yellow towels, was adorable.

Steve hoped that Anthony Stark appreciated being loved by Bucky the way Steve knew he would, if he happened to be so lucky.

Instead of wasting any more time, Steve efficiently removed his clothing. Trying to gather most of it from his hair into the work shirt, Steve placed that in the sink. Only once he was naked did he suddenly wonder if he should've asked Bucky how his shower worked. Of course, then Steve wondered if Bucky would've even done so, considering how flustered he had been.

A smile tugged at Steve's lips as he thought back to it now. Hell, it made him so giddy that it even earned a twitch from his flaccid dick. Which, he really needed to be careful with that. But his crush practically admitted to reciprocating that crush, so sue him.

Luckily, Bucky's shower was basic and easy to figure out. Soon enough, he was standing under the hot spray while he lathered Bucky's lavender shampoo in his shaggy blond hair. Taking in big, lungful whiffs of the scent and trying to picture what it'd be like to wake up beside Bucky and nuzzle his face in those seemingly soft brown tresses. Wondering what Bucky looked like with toothpaste foam around his mouth when he brushed his teeth. Or if he sang in the shower. Or any other domestic task that others who had been privileged enough to witness probably took for granted.

Almost losing himself in his daydreams, Steve shook his head and quickly washed the rest of his body. After all, he didn't want to leave Bucky with a cold shower.

At least, not unless it was due to Bucky getting hot because he was thinking of --

Nope! Steve quickly dried off and chastised himself, Don't go there.

Nevertheless, Steve did want Bucky to think of him. Whether it was something positively filthy that would definitely cause Steve to blush if he ever found out about it. Or if it was simple, day-to-day stuff. Like passing someone wearing a flannel, and think of Steve. Maybe even try out a new cupcake recipe and wonder what Steve would think of it.

Sure, Steve knew that he was setting himself up for failure with having hopes like that. But he couldn't help himself. It was difficult not to fall in love with--

Just like that, Steve lost his footing and his stomach dropped from the top of the Empire State Building. How could he be in love with Bucky? More so, how could he not realize it sooner?

Part 3 of Read By Loki Laufeyson - Fifty Shades of Grey

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own (no longer available there) 

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning:  No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:  F/M

Fandom:  Loki - Fandom, Loki (Marvel) - Fandom, The Avengers (MarvelMovies), Tom Hiddleston - Fandom

Relationship:  Loki/His Book, Ana/Christian

Character:  Loki, Loki Laufeyson, Loki (Marvel), Ana Steele, Christian Grey

Additional Tags:  Explicit Language, this book deserves its own warning tag, one that says DON'T READ ME, Explicit Sexual Content, lame and exceedingly silly descriptions of sex acts

Series:  Part 3 of Read by Loki Laufeyson

Stats:  Originally Published 2016-02-27   Words: 3386 (original version)

Part One:  The Night Manager

Part Two:  High Rise

   50 Shades of Grey, Read By Loki Laufeyson by lokilickedme 

Summary:  Loki reads 50 Shades and throws up multiple times. I would offer my apologies to E.L. James, but she doesn't deserve it. 

Notes:  See the end of the work for notes  

  This shitshow gets on the shaky road with a dedication that made the right side of my face twitch before the story even got started.  It's dedicated to "the master of my universe" and as of right this very moment I'm ready to preemptively toss it into the bathroom, not as reading material for my next luxury soak, but as a replacement for the empty roll of toilet paper that I keep forgetting to run to the store for.  Fuck me people, she didn't even capitalize "master" and ANY GOOD SUB KNOWS THAT NOT CAPITALIZING MASTER IS A MASSIVE SHOW OF DISRESPECT AND YOU DESERVE THE ASS BEATING YOU GET FOR IT - WITH ZERO AFTERCARE.  Don't ask me how I know that, but go ahead and fight me, this is a hill I’m willing to die on.  If this person is writing a book that's touted as an even remotely accurate accounting of a Dom/sub relationship, I can tell you right now, she doesn't know jack shit. 

So I've read a couple of pages and I'm already looking around for my seizure meds when I realize I don't take seizure meds.  I will after this, I might as well go ahead and call it in.  I'm to the part about Wanda the Volkswagon when my anticipatory boner not only goes away, but retracts so far up into my scrotum as a result of the most horrendous writing I've seen this side of Thor's second grade book report on Anne of Green Gables that I'm thinking I might just be female now.  I mean seriously?  This hurts.  I’m not even exaggerating, if you have a penis it’s going to draw up into your gall bladder.  If you have a vulva it’s going to need a vat of Burt’s Bees Extra Moisture Replenishing Salve and a bottle of cranberry capsules.  I’m not even female at the moment and this thing gave me a flaming UTI.

 I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time.  Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. 

People, this is a published book.  Someone got paid for this.  It got made into a movie.  I haven't even gotten to the sex yet and I'm already Google mapping monasteries within a one-hundred mile radius because I'm ready to take my vows.  No, this book hasn't made me believe in a higher power.  It has taken away my will to ever get laid again.

 The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. 

Holy fucking shitballs people, terminal velocity by its very definition means someone is going to die.  Is this person wearing a pressurized speed suit?  Do they hand them to you at the door before you go into the elevator?  How does the building tolerate the mechanics of generating that kind of speed?  And if by some random blessing by some random god who won't be getting any thanks from me she actually survived this trip to the twentieth floor, her brains would be leaking out her asshole.  That's not the way to make a good first impression, sweetheart.  Take the fucking stairs next time.

 It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view.  Wow. 

Yes, wow.  Paralysis is rarely ever momentary darling, and it does ugly things to pretty girls.  Like, rendering you a jelly-like heap on the floor because your muscles don't continue working while you're paralyzed.  Paralysis sort of means your muscles have stopped working. 

I've begun highlighting every word I come across that the author obviously doesn't know the definition to.  Fake it till you make it, right darling?  Five pages in and my yellow pen has died a violent death.

 I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! 

YOU. 

HAVE. 

GOT. 

TO. 

BE. 

FUCKING. 

KIDDING. 

ME.

In what universe is this ridiculous cutesy sort of shit thought to be amusing?  The cliches are giving me hemorrhoids.  Me and my two left feet?  Not that I'm an expert on Earth terminology and phrasing, but I'm fairly certain people stopped saying shit like that around 1962.  And...I can't believe I'm being forced to say this, but - double crap??  I was already calling my brother a bilgesnipe’s vagina by the time I could crawl, I'm pretty sure the last time I said something as immature and amateurishly silly as double crap I was still in the womb and cursing in Morse Code.  I may actually have even still been a sperm in my father's left testicle.  How old is this writer?

 “Um. Actually–” I mutter.  If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.  In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake.  As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me.  I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed.  Must be static.  I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate. 

I'm sorry but I really don't even know where to start.  The Um. Actually- ?  Or the I'm a monkey's uncle?  Maybe it's the staccato pacing?  The elementary school sentence structure?  The fact that all but one sentence of that paragraph has the word I in it, sometimes multiple times?  She placed her hand in his and they shook - sort of like I'm shaking right now.  It's the seizures this damn travesty has provoked, honestly I should sue the author for my prescription costs.  And if that girl's eyelids matched her heart rate then I'm just envisioning one of those blinky-eyed cupie dolls strapped to a paint mixing machine.

 “I own my company.  I don’t have to answer to a board.”  He raises an eyebrow at me.  I flush. 

Yes darling, always do a courtesy flush when the stench is really vomit-inducing.  Like now.  I'm not even going to ask if this conversation is taking place in a bathroom because I can tell you honestly, the bathroom is right where it belongs.

 His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something. 

Something...like, maybe shit, perhaps?

 I shake my head to gather my wits. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo - 

No darling, trust me, it's not.  A tattoo is something you draw on your body, there's no pounding involved unless you've done the drawing on your vagina.  And if you’re referring to the drum beat, then you should just say so because frankly this is meant to be a sex book and your readers aren’t going to be interested in Googling your sophomoric attempts at using interesting words.  And just as an aside, most humans are going to think of a Scottish marching band when you use that word in that context, and the last thing you want your readers thinking about while you’re sliding into a smut scene is men in plaid skirts blowing bagpipes.

 I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me.  My memories of him did not do him justice.  He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking - 

Hold on a second, I wasn't aware I was in this book?  I must have been drunk.  I'm not sure that I would consent to this idiocy even if I was soused off my gourd, so I think I'm going to be filing a second lawsuit for character theft.

 - and he’s here.  Here in Clayton’s Hardware Store.  Go figure. 

Yes, go figure sweetiepie.  Everybody, even handsome people, need replacement U-joints for their toilets.  They come in handy when you're trying to flush books.

 Finally my cognitive functions are restored and reconnected with the rest of my body. 

Honey, cognitive functions aren't a part of your body, they're a part of your brain.  So unless your head fell off while you were walking around in Clayton's Hardware Store, I doubt this happened.  If it did, my condolences to Mr Clayton and the other shoppers, I know how traumatic that can be.

 And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – 

You mean the whole thing?

 - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. 

I just had another seizure.  It’s a sex book darling, stop trying to use seventy-five cent Merriam Webster words and settle for something along the lines of My fucking head exploded - trust me, at this point your readers will relate to that far more than to the concept of subconscious thought.  Or any thought at all.  And we all know it’s highly unlikely Miss Double Crap Wanda-driving headless-in-Clayton’s-Hardware store is capable of coming up with a term like medulla oblongata after that terminal velocity elevator ride.

 No way! I dismiss it immediately.  Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?  The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of my head.

 And now your head is completely empty, much like the author's, because that poorly constructed series of sentences was all that was rattling around in there. 

For the sake of moving this along, because I have something to say about literally every fucking sentence in this roll of rough-ass toilet paper, I'm going to skip to the first round of sex and see if anything improves.  Because that's what people do when things aren't going well, isn't it?  They have sex and see if it gets better?  And then if it doesn't, you kick them out and finish up with a fresh pack of batteries and a few minutes of Skinamax and when you wake up in the morning it'll be a whole new day, sunshine.  Because honestly, I just got to the part where her cheeks went the color of the Communist Manifesto and if I don't get to some penis and vagina action I'm going to kill myself.  Besides that, all this double crap inner monologue is starting to make my ballsack clench up. 

So alright people, I've got my lube and my right hand ready, let's get this party started shall we?

  "Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”  Holy shit.  Did I just say that? 

Well it certainly wasn't me.  Having medulla oblongata issues again, are we sweetheart?

 His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.  “No, Anastasia it doesn’t.  Firstly, I don’t make love.  I fuck... hard." 

Finally, someone steps up.  Is that the sound of zippers headed south I hear?

 "Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for.  You could still run for the hills.  Come, I want to show you my playroom.” 

Nope, my mistake.  Zippers firmly holding north.  How far is this fellow going to count?  Do people actually do that cheesy little “Firstly, secondly” speech tic all the way up to thirdly?  I usually only get to secondly before someone pops me in the mouth.  Somehow I have no trouble envisioning this obviously anal retentive Christian fellow proceeding right along to fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, seventhly...perhaps he has a numbers fetish to go along with that paperwork obsession of his.  If this is foreplay I'm leaving because math was never my strong point and I’ll be damned if I’m going to relive the hell of ninth grade just to get a two page smut scene.  If you want to have sex with me we get to firstly, I point to my zipper, and the game is on.  But he does get points for being forthright enough to come right out up front with the admission that he's such a rough fucker there have to be contracts involved.  Kudos my man.  Too bad he wrecked it by planting that playroom visual immediately after, because now all I can think about is a toybox full of Legos and a plastic xylophone.  Even I can't make anything kinky out of that.

 My mouth drops open.  Fuck hard!  Holy shit, that sounds so... hot.  But why are we looking at a playroom?  I am mystified.  “You want to play on your Xbox?” 

Yes darling, Fuck hard!  It sounds like a Bruce Willis movie, only this time he's not in an office building crawling through the ceiling or on an airplane fighting off terrorists, he's tied to a bed while Bonnie Bedelia drips hot wax on his scrotes.  It's a real shame we lost Alan Rickman, I'd give anything to see Hans Gruber standing at the foot of the bed in a leather corset intoning Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker just one more time.

As for playing on his Xbox, the Sims have a "whoo hoo" function.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

 - it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.  Holy fuck. 

Ah yes, the good old days of the Inquisition.  I had quite a wonderful time during that era, it was a sado-masochistic wet dream.  And no, I wasn't an Inquisitor...I worked as a volunteer equipment tester for the Vatican.  There wasn't a steel spiked ball cage or 360-degree nipple twister that earned my seal of approval until I screamed for my mommy.  Something tells me this pansy-ass little ninny isn't going to make it past the electroshock vulva clamps before she's crying for every matriarchal figure in her family all the way back to the Charlemagne era.

 “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you.  I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission.  The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”  “Okay, and what do I get out of this?”  He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.  “Me,” he says simply. 

Um...no. Just no.  Unequivocally NO.  That isn't how it works, E.L. James.  Not in the slightest.  In a true Dom/sub relationship the submissive receives every bit as much as the Dominant, and there is no two ways around that.  Anything less is bullshit and whoever you're trying to force-feed this lie to should leave running and punch you in the crotch on the way out.  I sincerely hope anyone reading this nonsense is doing so on a dare and not because they want to learn about D/s dynamics, because you're obviously not going to learn anything from this book except how to be a lip-biting ningnong who doesn't do much more than chat merrily with herself inside her medulla oblongata while mentally spouting double crap! on repeat every thirty-seven seconds.  And any respect I had for this Grey fellow for being up front about his sexual preferences just went out the window, which coincidentally is where the lip-biting ningnong should be headed.  Like he said - you could still run for the hills. 

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...my god are these idiots ever going to do it?  I'm on page 194 and so far the closest they've come to coitus is when he almost ejaculated in his pants in an apoplectic rage when she told him she was a virgin.

 “Ah,” I groan. 

Ack, I puke.

 “You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse.  He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress. 

I'm practically convulsing too darling, but unfortunately not with pleasure.  I need more anti-seizure meds, I've already gone through the entire bottle.  I'll be starting on the Xanax next and then it’s another call to my HMO.

 I’m panting... wanting. 

I'm vomiting...heaving.

 Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth.  Shit.  I groan... how can I feel this, there? 

Hold up a second - this is a man who is so persnickety he pulls the duvet off the bed before he lets her set her ass on it, but now less than a page later he's just removed her sneaker and is licking the bottom of her sweaty all-day Converse encased foot?  My capacity for suspension of disbelief is not only wavering at this point, it’s pretty much died a slow and painful death.  Which is what I feel like I’m doing.  And if a man is holding eye contact while licking the bottom of your foot, he’s either upside down or your leg is so high up in the air he could be looking up your hooch and seeing himself through your left nostril.

“How do you make yourself come?  I want to see.”  I shake my head.  “I don’t,” I mumble.

I call bullshit.  She’s twenty-one, a virgin, and has never diddled herself?  That’s about as likely as me never having had intercourse with a horse.

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs.  His teeth close around my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces.

Huh.  And here all this time I’ve been laboring under the delusion that more was required than just two short paragraphs worth of nipple play.  This girl is a physical wonder, her nipples are clitorises.  Clitori?  Clitterati?  However you say multiple clits.  I know playing with them feels nice and I’ve made more than one maiden squirm with a few well placed sucks and a pinch or two, but this girl was climaxing before he even got her out of her brassiere.  Someone get her a job at the Kinsey Institute.

Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor.

I hope they didn’t land on the duvet, he went to such trouble to keep it from getting mussed.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.  Holy cow...

Rather like a jack-in-the-box, I’m envisioning.  Holy cow indeed.  Twist the handle and Pop Goes The Weasel plays while you wait in panicked anticipation for that horrid little clown to burst out of the hinged metal box and scare the shit out of you.  Well, he did say playroom, didn’t he.  Oh, and boxers and briefs are two entirely different things, my dear.  The further we get into this silly little tale the more convincing my sneaking suspicion that the author has never actually met a man before.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.

I’m sorry, I know I’m an adult and all but I’m giggling like a sixth grade girl that wandered into the wrong locker room at school.  And for the record, I know exactly what that sounds like because I’ve done it.  But this...this is just...holy fucking hell with twice the fire and ten times the brimstone, that sentence up there just chemically castrated me.  The head of his erection at the entrance of her sex.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume it means he put his cock on her pussy and we’ll call it fair and move along.

“Hard, he whispers, and he slams into me.  “Aargh!” I cry -

To quote Miss Steele, holy fuck!  His dick is so big it’s turned her into a pirate!

He speeds up.  I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, and I keep up, meeting his thrusts.

Is anyone else envisioning these two jogging through the park playing bongos?  Just me?  Okay.  Oh and for future reference, because I assume this world isn’t lucky enough to escape at least three sequels to this travesty, no sentence should have as many commas as it has words unless the person speaking it is being punched in the mouth between each syllable.

Two orgasms...coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.

Darling if the spin cycle on my washing machine made anything come apart at the seams I’d be at Home Depot demanding they make good on the warranty.  Which, something tells me, you should be doing with this new man of yours.

He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic.  My insides start quickening, and Christian picks up the rhythm.

I looked up infinitesimally, mainly because I’ve never actually seen it in print before and it’s such a strange looking word.  I laughed so hard my Xanax came out my nose when Google offered up this definition:  immeasurably small, exceedingly little, less than an assignable quantity.  To give it a meaning, it must usually be compared to another infinitesimal object in the same context.  Mr Grey, I do believe your tight coochied little virgin just called your dick tiny.

“You. Are. Mine.  Come for me, baby,” he growls.  His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice.  My body convulses around him, the precipice.  My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress.

Well damn, I have to say I’m impressed, both with the uncanny power this fellow’s voice has to make orgasms happen from out of thin air, as well as this girl’s ability to climax on demand after never having done so in her entire life previous to this encounter.  That’s three times now she’s “shattered into a million pieces” all over the fucking bed - thank god he had the presence of mind to toss the duvet on the floor, because those stains would never come out.  He’d probably be getting a visit from the local police as soon as Mrs Fratelli at the dry cleaners got a good look at it.  And I don’t know about anyone else but I really want to hear this “garbled version” of his name that she called out into the mattress.  No, really.  I want to hear it because I’m imagining something like what went down in the Caves of Caerbannog when the Knights were debating the pronunciation of the last word written on the wall.  Does that make Ana’s orgasms the sexual equivalent of the Black Beast of Argh?

I’ll wait for you to hit Google on that one.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  I’ve got all the time in the world.  I still have six hours of studio time booked and this travesty of a novel is now residing in stall #2 in the mens room and I’m sitting here playing with the roll of toilet paper I stole.  It was a worthwhile trade.  The word Charmin printed four million times on these little squares in infinitely more intellectually stimulating than that undigested goat’s dinner we were reading.

Fifty shades of TP’ing E.L. James’s house, anyone?

End Notes:  All passages in italics are the property of E.L. James, and as far as I’m concerned she can keep them.

It's a bee-utiful day in the neighborhood. . . . #bee #bees #nature #naturephotography #photography #yellow #beekeeping #happy #photooftheday #picoftheday #flowerphotography #flowers #sunshine #sunflower (at Kent, Washington) https://www.instagram.com/p/CERcHQOHVkt/?igshid=ibp65qkjtqnm

Paper Crafts using Tissue Paper

PAPERLINK UAE Tissue paper: it's for more than blessing wrapping! Recorded beneath are 43 specialties with an additional kick of surface gratitude to this beautiful material. Go through your vacation extras with the Ladybug Tissue Paper Craft. Prepare for summer fun with Ice Cream Cone Tissue Paper Craft or Stars And Stripes Tissue Paper Craft. What's more, there are a lot of artworks you can bookmark for spring and Easter: Terrific Tissue Tulips, Let's Go Fly A Kit, DIY 3D Flower, and others. Prepared to think outside the crimped tissue paper box? A portion of the undertakings recorded underneath use the exceptional characteristics of the ink in tissue paper to make a delicate watercolor impact: simply look at those ethereal photographs for Snowy Tissue Paper Watercolor or Tie-Dye Tissue Paper Craft. A portion of these are simple enough for little children, preschoolers, and kindergarteners since they get the opportunity to tear and smash paper. Different activities require somewhat more management, or probably ought to be finished by kids with to some degree further developed fine engine aptitudes, similar to They've Got The Whole World In Their Hands. Whatever the event, whatever the ability level, and whatever hues your kids love this week, there is a tissue paper create recorded underneath that will please and entertain everybody. Add a hint of shading to your specialties and artworks with this adaptable material that is definitely not fragile! 1. A Slice Of Watermelon Tissue Paper Craft A Slice Of Watermelon Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: The Simple Parent Regardless of whether you're preparing for summer or regretting it's passing, this tissue paper watermelon create from The Simple Parent will feel like a terrace outing. In the event that cutting up that much pink and green tissue paper seems like monotony, never dread: you can discover pre-cut squares of tissue paper for buy on the web. Or on the other hand simply let your youngsters practice their scissor aptitudes — the squares don't should be great. Cut a paper plate into equal parts, snatch some paste, and you're all set! 2. Dynamite Tissue Tulips Dynamite Tissue Tulips Picture source: I Heart Crafty Things Be that as it may, pause, don't toss out your additional pink and green tissue paper! (See #1, above.) Save it for this delightful tulip over at I Heart Crafty Things. The cunning personalities at the blog have a free printable layout for you to download, just on the off chance that drawing isn't your most grounded ability. This art will be a tremendous hit with kids since it includes a lot of crushing up bits of tissue paper — something you may have seen children are acceptable at doing. Put the paste down and urge them to use growing deftness while putting the crushed up pieces in the correct spots. 3. Rainbow Sunshine Tissue Paper Craft Rainbow Sunshine Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Easy Peasy And Fun Try not to let blustery days get you down! On account of Easy Peasy And Fun, you can light up your kid's day with this rainbow and daylight make. Rainbows are popular and claim to children of practically all ages. Indeed, even little children can assist here by painting a paper plate totally yellow (it's difficult to commit errors) before you cut it down the middle to make the sun. The portions of rainbow tissue paper hanging down gaze brilliant balancing upward in a window or over your youngster's bed. 4. Wings As Delicate As Tissue Paper Wings As Delicate As Tissue Paper Picture source: Happy Hooligans Get all the shades of tissue paper that you can discover for this lovely butterfly create over at Happy Hooligans. The blog has a couple of smart hacks for making this specialty run easily with children all things considered — and for limiting the opportunity of tears and dissatisfaction. With this art, you can enable your kids to find out about examples, structure, even how hues praise or differentiation one another. This is additionally an extremely delightful class venture for instructors who are arranging exercises on the caterpillar-butterfly cycle, or simply need a splendid specialty for spring. 5. Firestarter Firestarter Picture source: My Mommy Style Getting kids energized for an outdoors experience can be as simple as this tissue paper open air fire create! Snap over to My Mommy Style for the motivation behind a venture that is sufficiently hot to dissolve a marshmallow. (Not so much.) Since make sticks are made of wood, they make regular logs for your kid's fire. Intending to cook s'mores? Include cotton balls as marshmallows and earthy colored development paper as the chocolate bars. This fire will consume as long as you need it to, and won't get smokey from downpour! 6. Frozen treat Tissue Paper Craft Frozen treat Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Glued To My Crafts This tissue paper frozen treat from Glued To My Crafts will completely make your day. It's so natural for children to make, and permits them the innovativeness of choosing various shades of tissue paper dependent on what "flavors" of frozen yogurt they need to "scoop." It's the ideal art to bookmark for stormy days, as it will go through any extra tissue paper you have from different artworks or from blessing wrapping, just as the earthy colored development paper that is once in a while left over in a pack. Simply ensure there's sufficient for everybody to have seconds! 7. A Honey Of A Tissue Paper Craft A Honey Of A Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: I Heart Crafty Things At the point when blossoms begin to sprout, honey bees come out to assemble what they have to make nectar. In light of this I Heart Crafty Things tissue paper honey bee, you can begin an entire exercise on nature's equalization for your kids or understudies. Or on the other hand maybe your youngsters are fanatically perusing books about honey bees; perhaps you are taking a field outing to see a genuine bee sanctuary. Regardless of what the explanation, this is a honey bee utiful art to make! What's more, with a free printable layout, it's simple honey bee zy, as well! 8. Gradual Wins This Tissue Paper Craft Gradual Wins This Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Fireflies And Mudpies There is something in particular about turtles that interests children and grown-ups the same. Possibly it's their shells, perhaps it's the way moderate they move, perhaps it's those charming little heads that jump out. What's more, presently, with Fireflies And Mudpies' directions, your entire family can make their own vivid and glossy turtles. There's a free printable layout to kick you off; you simply flexibly the paper plates and tissue paper in a lot of hues. What's more, obviously, add sparkle paste to make this additional unique and awesome! 9. Justice fighters, Assemble This Craft Justice fighters, Assemble This Craft Picture source: Non-Toy Gifts On the off chance that you live in a MCU house loaded with Iron Man veils, Thor hammers, Black Panther Wakanda salutes, and Hulk snarls, at that point look at this tissue paper Captain America shield at Non-Toy Gifts. This is an extremely incredible specialty for hero themed birthday celebrations, as the materials are anything but difficult to track down and cheap to purchase in mass. Having your youngster's visitors make these will keep everybody occupied for in any event a short time and gives them something to bring home when the good times have come and gone. Also, despite the fact that paper plates are not close to as solid as vibranium, children can even now mess around with them. Justice fighters, gather! 10. Three Little Birds Tissue Paper Craft Three Little Birds Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Crafty Morning Nobody needs to get up toward the beginning of the day and grin at the rising sun to welcome this sweet tissue paper venture from Crafty Morning. In the event that it's an inappropriate season to discover earthy colored Easter container grass, essentially shred some earthy colored paper or cut it into little strips yourself. In the case of spring has sprung in your locale or not, there's no opposing these charming and upbeat little infant feathered creatures! Regardless of how your day is going, they'll cause you to feel okay. 11. We should Go Fly A Kite We should Go Fly A Kite Picture source: Kinder Craze Light up common windows with a "recolored glass kite" made with tissue paper! The cunning kindergarten instructor at Kinder Craze gives you that it is so natural to assemble this specialty. For kids on the more youthful side — preschoolers and kindergarteners — it's most likely best to set up the kite outline on clear contact paper early so they can concentrate on finishing the kites with vivid tissue paper. More seasoned children may have the option to gather the kite outline themselves. Hang these up in homerooms or lounge room windows for some moment cheer whenever of year! 12. Adorable Cat Craft Adorable Cat Craft Picture source: Our Kid Things For kids who love creatures, click on over to Our Kid Things for this delightful and simple to make tissue paper kitty feline. Perhaps your family has a pet feline that your youngster needs to reproduce; possibly you're an educator and you've quite recently perused "Pete the Cat" during circle time. Or then again perhaps your children and understudies simply love felines! Whatever the case, make certain to purchase tissue paper in an assortment of hues, including ones that may not happen normally on felines — how wild can your kids get with their new feline companions! 13. Easter Egg Tissue Paper Craft Easter Egg Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Happy Hooligans Nothing says spring like delicate hues, particularly at Easter. Get together your pastel-hued tissue paper and prepare to "color" a few eggs with this art from Happy Hooligans. Stripes, circles, designs, rainbows: support your kids or understudies to truly inspire them to think bigger to make their eggs as exceptional as could reasonably be expected. No two should appear to be identical! What's more, little hands can assist here by doing what they specialize in: tearing and folding tissue paper. At the point when they are done, these artworks make exquisite finished Easter eggs. 14. Pink Flamingo Tissue Paper Craft Pink Flamingo Tissue Paper Craft Picture source: Make And Takes Still have extra pink tissue paper? (See #1 and #2, above.) Head on over to Make And Takes for a fleecy flamingo companion. Start with a paper plate and pink paint, and get done with this striking tropical feathered creature. (Did you realize that flamingos are pink as a result of the salt water shrimp they eat?) This is a brilliant art to bookmark in the event that you have a kid who is fixated on the shading pink, with feathered creatures, with creatures as a rule, or in the event that you are setting up a tropical-themed party. 15. A Rainbow Of Spring Flowers A Rainbow Of Spring Flowers Picture source: Mess For Less Regardless of whether you and your class or family are energized for the beginning of spring, or basically unrealistic reasoning on a virus winter's day, Mess For Less has an incredible bloom venture for everybody. The webpage has a connect to a free printable layout you can download. Print out an entire bundle of roses, or enough for a study hall garden! Little circles inside the petals and leaves give understudies a guide for where the stuck tissue paper ought to go. Make certain to have however much tissue paper close by as could reasonably be expected in whatever number hues as could be allowed (the site contains a member connect to a pack of brilliant tissue paper squares). 16. They've Got The Whole World In Their Hands They've Got The Whole World In Their Hands Picture source: Gluesticks Here's a tissue paper create for more seasoned grade school kids. Over at Gluesticks, you'll figure out how to make this astounding planet Earth out of a styrofoam ball and green and blue tissue paper. Make this at home to start a discussion about world geology, or make these in the homeroom to observe Earth Day or an exercise on space. Maybe get imaginative by requesting that youngsters make their own novel planet, and afterward urge them to give all of you https://www.paperlink.ae/

Being Alone, Best Friend, and Butt: Ruby uou ST)# 42995 Waiting on Lov Manhattan ACC 9 yrs old, 45.21 Lovely Ruby is all tail wagging and all smiles. Very Friendly, loves to be in company, gives kisses. Seems to like other dogs. SWEET SENIOR ALERT! TO BE KILLED - 10/27/2018 Lovely Miss Ruby is a lovable older girl, all waggy and always smiling. This incredibly sweet, awesomely AVERAGE RATED beauty, is finding herself looking for a new family after her parent’s mom was told she can not have pets in the home. This is so heartbreaking on many levels, because not only is Ruby 9, but she also is suffering from painful bladder stones, and is sitting now, alone, in a small kennel, confused, heartbroken, and dreaming of the family she has loved and lost. But she has tried, through pain and sorrow, to be the engaging, hopeful optimist she has always been since the moment she was born. The volunteers adore her, and she them. She’s ridiculously adorable, friendly, affectionate, loves to gives kisses - and she ADORES treats. She will even jump for them! We don’t want her doing much of that till she can get the surgery she needs to remove her bladders stones, but that is where you come in. Won’t you please give this wonderful girl a home? If you foster her, the rescue that pulls will pay her vetting. You will just add your love and support. Ruby is waiting, hopefully, for you to say YES! She’s spayed and ready to go! If you can foster or adopt her, please PRIVATE MESSAGE our page or email us at [email protected]. A volunteer writes: “Ruby is a born socialite! She beams in crowds as well as with only one caretaker. She goes from one person to another, samples treats and enjoys togetherness and caresses. She always wears a smile, her prime asset, wags her tail and wiggles her butt to let you know that you are most welcome! She loves to kiss, too. Nobody can resist Ruby! She is the life of the party! Although her previous owner stated that she never mingled with kids, Ruby was all excited to see a mob of pupils coming out of a nearby school. She is a great walker, likely housetrained and well mannered nearing birds and other dogs. Ruby is great company, charming, active, playful, sociable and very loving. She will make a very endearing, lively and affectionate companion to the person who will choose her as his/her new four legged best friend. Come and meet spunky Ruby at the Manhattan Care Center.” A Volunteer Notes: "A jewel of a girl with a gem of a name. ❣️Ruby, 9 years-old, made of snow and sunshine, worth her weight in gold." VIDEO: Sociable Ruby <3 https://youtu.be/Y0c3Jr6n8lU RUBY, ID# 42995, @ 9 Yrs., 45.2 lbs. Manhattan ACC, Medium Mixed Breed, Tan / White, Spayed Female Owner Surrender Reason: Owner’s mother is not allowed to have dogs in her apartment. Shelter Assessment Rating: AVERAGE! (the best!) Intake Behavior Rating: 1. Green AT RISK MEMO: Ruby is at risk for medical, she is a senior girl with bladder stones that will require immediate follow up at a private vet. Ruby was given an average behavior and should do well in most homes. INTAKE NOTES – DATE OF INTAKE, 9/30/2018: Ruby was loose bodied, and had a wagging tail when a counselor approached her or said her name. Ruby laid on the floor and did not move when she approached the back drop, but the owner stated that could be because of her age. Ruby listened to when a counselor called her name and also responded to sit. OWNER SURRENDER NOTES – BASIC INFORMATION: Ruby is a large mixed breed female, approximately 9 years old. The owner is unable to keep Ruby because his mother cannot have dogs in her apartment. Ruby looks like she has a rash/dry patches on her back legs and stomach. She previously lived with 2 adults. Ruby is friendly and outgoing with strangers. No children in previous home. No dogs in previous home. No cats in previous home. Ruby is not bothered when the owner touches her food bowl while eating. Ruby is not bothered when her owner takes away a treat, bone or toy. Ruby has no bite history, she did not bite a person or animal in previous home. She is housetrained and has a high energy level – active and playful. Ruby is not bothered when her owner gives her bath, brushes her coat or trims her nails. Ruby has had a medical issue. She has a rash/dry patches on her back legs and stomach. For a New Family to Know: Ruby is friendly, affectionate, and playful. Ruby is active and likes to play with balls and tug with a rope. Ruby is mostly an indoor dog, but also took slow walks on a leash. Ruby slept on the floor in her previous home and used the bathroom during her walks. Ruby was fed Pedigree twice a day and drinks a lot of water. Ruby is house trained and knows how to sit, come, lay down and go fetch. Ruby likes to run and play at the dog park with her owner. SHELTER ASSESSMENT – DATE OF ASSESSMENT, 10/1/2018 Look:: 1. Dog's eyes are averted, with tail wagging and ears back. Allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity:: 1. Dog leans into the Assessor, eyes soft or squinty, soft and loose body, open mouth. Tag:: 1. Dog assumes play position and joins the game. Or dog indicates play with huffing, soft 'popping' of the body, etc. Dog might jump on Assessor once play begins. Paw squeeze 1:: 2. Dog quickly pulls back. Paw squeeze 2:: 2. Dog quickly pull back. Flank squeeze 1:: Item not conducted Flank squeeze 2:: Item not conducted Toy:: 1. Minimal interest in toy, dog may smell or lick, then turns away. Summary:: Ruby approached the assessor with a soft body. She was social throughout the assessment, allowed all handling, and displayed no concerning behaviors. PLAYGROUP NOTES – DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: Summary (1):: 10/1: When introduced off leash to the male greeter dog, Ruby is tense and quickly offers strong correction for approach. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake:: 9/30/2018. Summary:: Loose body, allowed handling ENERGY LEVEL:: Rubv is described as having a high level of activity. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct her energy and enthusiasm. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: AVERAGE (suitable for an adopter with an average amount of dog experience) Behavior Asilomar: H - Healthy MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 3/10/2018 DVM Intake Exam Estimated age: 9yrs based on O hx. Microchip noted on Intake? scanned positive MC#985112005110228 History : Surrendered by O. Subjective / Observed Behavior - BAR; allowed all handling. very energetic and friendly. Evidence of Cruelty seen - none Evidence of Trauma seen - none Objective BCS 5/9 EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted Oral Exam: dc 2/5; pd 2/5 PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: No murmur ausculted; CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: spayed female. tattoo seen. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities Rectal: grossly normal. Assessment geriatric dental disease Prognosis: excellent Plan: ok for adoptions recommend daily dental care once adopted SURGERY: already spayed 3/10/2018 S/O - Reported to be urinating frequently. Collect urine by free catch and submitted to Idexx for a Urinalysis Summary - USG 1.003 Urine Protein 1+ Blood 3+ WBC 2-5 NO BACTERIA NO CRYSTALS A - Hematuria, Proteinuria, Isothenuria P - Recommend CBC/Chem Hyposthenuria - Kidney disease vs polydipsia vs DM vs other Inappropriate elimination r/o incontinence, uti, urinary calculi, cystitis, prostatitis, metabolic Proteinuria r/o secondary to inflammation, infection, renal in origin . Collection FREE-CATCH Color YELLOW Clarity CLEAR Specific Gravity 1.003 pH 7.5 Urine Protein a 1+ Glucose NEGATIVE Ketones NEGATIVE Blood / Hemoglobin b 3+ Bilirubin NEGATIVE Urobilinogen NORMAL White Blood Cells 2-5 Red Blood Cells 15-20 Bacteria NONE SEEN Epithelial Cells 2+ (3-5)/HPF Mucus NONE SEEN Casts NONE SEEN Crystals NONE SEEN 4/10/2018 S/O Pt continues to urinate 10-15 x per walk. Urine continues to be hyposethenuric. Blood work unremarkable. Repeated USG 1002 CBC/CHEM - Unremarkable A - 1) Pollakiruia, 2) Hyposthenuria with 3) moderate hemoglobinuria and mild proteinuria - BW unremarkable Plan - Rule out other causes of pollakauria with hyposthenuria - Diabetes insipidus, central Diabetes insipidus, nephrogenic diabetes insipidus, infectious causes (UTI not being seen on ME versus other), endocrine causes (cushings disease) - Collect urine via cystocentesis and submit for urine culture and sensitivity Recommend placement with a new hope partner for follow up veterinary consult for her present urinary condition. 8/10/2018 Radiographic Review Good alignment. No Evidence of fractures. Spleen appears enlarged, may be due to sedation. Multiple large stones present within the urinary bladder (8+). Femoral heads sit within the coxal joint with good congruency. assessment -- urinary bladder stones recommend surgical removal and submission for mineral make-up. recommend urinary culture and sensitivity, urinalysis (no sample available during sedation) at that time. *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.