12.21.2023

The OBGYN practice that delivered Lovebug announced they were shutting down, so today was my first appointment with a new OBGYN.

I knew I wasn't pregnant, but seeing as it was technically possible and today is the day before my expected period, they had me test this morning before I came in. BFN, which again I was expecting, but it still stung.

I like my new doctor well enough. And she delivers in one of the best hospitals in the nation. So it was worth the drive.

Bittersweet that she pretty immediately agreed it was time to look into why I'm having trouble conceiving and sent me off for bloodwork. I'm glad I didn't have to fight to be taken seriously, but it's still upsetting to have that confirmation that, yes, this should have happened by now, that there is likely something wrong. She says if my bloodwork comes back normal, she'll call in an ultrasound to check that my fallopian tubes are blocked and for any other abnormalities.

I managed to make it back into town in time to shop for and attend Lovebug's Christmas party at daycare. While I was shopping for his teachers, I quickly picked out a baby blanket and some newborn clothes.

I got the baby it’s first thing today!!

I also talked with my stepmom last night and had her look at the baby photos of my possible donors and got her input on them. She told me to get them IQ tested cause that’s more important than looks lol.

I rescheduled with the fertility doctor too and will be seeing them May 16th! Very excited to get the ball rolling.

just baby making things

The hardest part of infertility for me is the desire. The desire to kiss those tiny little fingers and toes. The desire to rock a sleepy baby to sleep. The desire to have something so small need you.

I am not handling the miscarriages well. I feel pathetic for still being heartbroken since finding out I was pregnant with baby #1 and then again with baby #2. I should be moving on since it’s been a while but all I feel is sadness. Like a part of me is gone. Their due dates months were really hard and Baby #1 was conceived in august and it’s now august again and my heart hurts so much. I still catch myself touching my stomach when I get stressed or sad (just like I did when I was pregnant and would talk to babes). It’s like a subconscious move but once I realize it just makes me hurt again. I feel so pathetic for being sad. It was months ago. They were early losses. But Baby #2 was the hardest emotionally and physically. And I just don’t know how to feel better. A doesn’t understand. I can’t blame him. He didn’t have the same attachment as I did since it was my body ya know. But still I feel ashamed to still be struggling. I feel so alone

Two years of trying to conceive naturally & two rounds of unsuccessful IUIs.

Insert IVF Process:

SHOTS ✅

Endless Blood Draws ✅

Uncomfortable # of Transvaginal Ultrasounds ✅

Egg Retrieval ✅

We started with 14 eggs. 13 were mature. 8 fertilized.

We officially have 3 beautiful little frozen embryos 💕

✨ Hoping for some baby dust! Waiting to start the embryo transfer process ✨

It’s been a year. A year of buying and taking prenatal vitamins, peeing on ovulation strips, seeing the positive test, tracking my cycle on multiple apps, doing all the things, reading all the things, and ending up disappointed month after month. Except for July, because I had Covid, and now not this month because I started Clomid, which worked exponentially better than anticipated, and instead of 2-3 follicles produced an astounding 9. That means, the likelihood of multiples (more than twins) was very possible and not worth the chances according to the doctor. This left me with taking all the meds and reaping the side effects, but nothing to show for it other than an uncomfortably bloated stomach and cancelled IUI treatment. I’ve never anticipated my next period more than this upcoming month, which usually is a day ruiner. Just a few days left…

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year. We had a miscarriage in April. I said if we didn't get pregnant in August I was going to call the doctor and insist on testing. I took a test this morning and it was positive 😭 it could be a false positive and it's very faint, so I'll have to give it a few days and test again, but I have hope right now that I thought I had completely lost

I'm still so sad regarding this decision. My state so far seems to still be okay, but they haven't actually made any decisions on it. They're just keeping things the same now.

I'm filled with so much fear and anxiety. As an older woman attempting to conceive for the past 12+ years, I was excited about bringing a new life into this world even starting working with a fertility specialist.

Now, I'm so nervous and scared about what the future holds. I already spoke to my husband and told him we may need to move if our state goes the wrong way, at least during the duration of my pregnancy (if I'm able to have a baby).

We need to be prepared in case anything goes wrong. I'm an older woman who's diabetic. Anything can go wrong and it won't be my fault. I visit a blog from time to time and many people have had miscarriages. It seemed to be okay to start again when they could. Now, I'm worried about dying from infection after a miscarriage which is hilarious considering black women are already 3x more likely to die in pregnancy.

Things you should know about IVF Treatment

Want to know about IVF Treatment? listen from a fertility expert, Dr Sumita Sofat. in this video Dr Sofat will explain what is IVF, IUI & ICSI and will also talk about Blastocyst culture and embryo freezing.

09.23.2023

We officially started ttc baby number two this cycle! The two week wait starts tomorrow.

Trying to balance being positive and not getting my hopes up.

Sure, we conceived Lovebug my first cycle off birth control without tracking ovulation or doing anything special. But that was statistically anomalous to my understanding. Even when nothing is wrong with either party and you do everything you're supposed to do, any given cycle only has a 20% chance of resulting in a pregnancy.

Most of the time I haven't been stressed. I've been tracking ovulation, I've been taking pre-natal vitamins as well as folic acid, I've taken Mucinex, we've "cuddled" when we were supposed to. I've taken comfort knowing I've done everything I can. Until today, ovulation day. I know Dearest and I will bd at least today and tomorrow just to be sure. But then it's out of my hands, and there won't be anything other than keeping up with my vitamins that I'll be able to do, to take comfort in.

Anyway, rambling is what tumblr is for.

Wish me baby dust! ✨️✨️

Cycle 1 Day 4; 02.01.2023

I've been doing some window shopping in terms of donors. I think I may have already found a few I quite like.. they're all red heads!! For some reason I would absolutely adore having a little red headed bean. I talked to my psychiatrist about it and how in middle school my crushes always had red hair, which she says is subconsciously my body is making me pair up with red haired donors because my body can tell that it would be most compatible and therefore a healthier baby? NOT TO MENTION SHE SAID RED HAIRED BABIES ARE EASIER TO BIRTH?? Like there's actual studies that have proven it! She also told me that she was a sperm donor baby and it makes her feel super wanted because her parents literally picked her if that makes sense. My younger sibling texted me this morning and was like "I'd be very happy to have nephew or niece who is a ginger" lololol. I've already started thinking of names, crazy crazy.

I'm just really excited if you couldn't tell (((((: March 1st can't get here soon enough. I may aim to start trying in May? That way the baby can be born around my own birthday ((((:

Medicated cycle #2

Tomorrow is ultrasound day. Slightly nervous, slightly excited, slightly nauseas. PLEASE be large, healthy follicles! please.

I miss my angel babies so bad. Some days I can handle the sadness but other days I feel a huge loss in my heart that no words can ever explain. I want to cry all the time. I want my babies back. I am jealous of those that got to carry theirs to term. I feel pathetic. I hate my body and I don’t understand why it cannot do what others can do. I can’t really talk about this with other people. When does the sadness go away? It feels like it never will

I’ve… been given a cover line?! But my OPKs are still low and it’s so early in my cycle to be ovulating. I’m confused and a bit dubious, honestly.

FF disagrees, so I’m not entirely sure who to go with.

Everyones talking about this dumpster fire of a book. But im more interested that we've had 2-3 "response leaks" from Meghan and harry. The first two are omid and peter hunt and its a clear response to the military outrage. Everyone saw the tweets under invictus games twitter. They were bad and in my opinion the no "context to the story is going to correct that narrative". The response came to late, and the Taliban already commented. (Which makes me think they had NO idea how to handle this but were under pressure from invictius to do so). It basically confirms that ARCs went out to "squad member journalists"

The other one i find SUPER interesting is the leak he wanted to cancel it last year after spending time in the UK. So we know he came back 3 times. The stopover on the way to Invictus, the jubilee (they left early), and the queens funeral. This is the most obvious sign yet that he wants to distance himself from the book already, but also that this likely was a reaction to the Oprah interview. was he able to get his way for the jubliee when he spoke to his grandmother in feb? Like was a jubliee invitation off the table and he got it back? and then it wasn't enough for her and she wanted a balcony moment and kept putting out PR for it? If he was SO happy (enough to cancel the book) why did they leave early and miss the last portion of it? Why did they ever think that W & K and the family would make it to lili first birthday? I don't think him and william spoke at all during the jubliee so was he issued a threat?

Somethings not adding up in my eyes.

Because we are getting Harry and Meghan's side of the story which is 99.9% lies.

We can't really add up the facts here because we will only get bits and pieces from the palaces.

HOWEVER,

I guarantee Harry and Meghan DID NOT expect this reaction. They thought people would focus on William “attacking” Harold and Charles not hugging Harry after telling them Diana died. I bet it never crossed their minds that the 25 insurgents being killed would blow up this way. It was not part of their strategy so they had nothing planned to counter it, that is why it took a while for the entire excerpt of that chapter to be released by Hunt and Omid. Now, 24 hours later, the Invictus guys are running to his defense so it tells us it took a while for him to get statements together and people who would actually defend him

As for the book and the Jubilee. Honestly, he might have had second thoughts over the book after he saw TQ in June 2022. His conscience might have gotten the better of him, however that feeling didn’t last long and here we are. Plus, this book was to be released last year remember? I think it was April 2022. I think the invitation was always going to happen but the palace was waiting to see how he behaved to see if he would be a part of the ceremony.

Harry and Meghan are egomaniacs. They never once thought that the family would be busy during the Platinum Jubilee doing, you know, their JOBS! Or they assumed that everyone would cancel their plans to attend Lili’s birthday. Which never happened.

They left early because it was made clear a photo of TQ with Harry, Meghan, Lili, and Archie was not going to happen for public release. They left early because they were holding out hope of being on the final balcony appearance after the parade. Instead it was TQ, PC, Camila, and the Wales’. They left early because they were place second row 10 seats in and no where near the senior royals. They left early because they didn’t get their own processional walk into the Abbey (although they did their best to fake on). They left early because they were denied a carriage and balcony appearance with their kids for the TTC.

When they realized that being out meant actually being OUT, Harry never gave another thought to pulling that book.