#trying to get back into a pattern of posting
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Q & A
persisting, the 4D and letting go
Not so long ago I became stuck in a loop of wanting and waiting. Weeks passed by like minutes, and I was desperate to "get" what I "wanted"-- real desperate, I tell you. But one way or another, loops end. They do. Even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment, they always pass, and your higher self shines through. These are a couple of questions I had while at my lowest, and my answer to them now. Hope this post may be useful to someone!!
"How do I persist even if I don't see anything?"
"You just persist" is what I've been told time and time again. "Yeah, but how?" is what I shot back. And silence followed. Paraphrasing, there's this quote by Einstein I've seen around here saying that, it's when you sit with yourself in the silence you're so desperate to fill up, when you stop looking for answers, that's when you get them. It doesn't matter how many times people here tell you to persist (to decide, to know it's yours) if, when you close the app, you forget everything and go right back to the old story. Why keep entretaining a story that you don't like? It's like if you're watching a really bad movie -- you can just turn it off.
You are able to persist. It's not something supernatural that only a handful of people can do. Everyone persist in something. You are persisting in the old story, for example. "B-But... Why??? Why is my subconscious doing this to me? I want to change!! I do!". This is so silly. Why are you mad at your subconscious? There's no 'good' or 'bad' (or 'ugly') story, that's just something you add the meaning to later. Your subconscious doesn't know the difference.
In the end, it all comes down to choosing. Just one final choice (do I even need to tell you that you're the creator of all? You must know by now). When you choose -- when you accept that you have it in the 4D once you imagine it, that's who you are. And once you've chosen, you cannot just give it up. You don't need proof in the 3D when the 4D is the only reality that should matter right now. Accept that you have it and move on. Creation is finished.
"And how do I convince myself it's set in stone?"
Close your eyes right now and imagine whatever it is that you "want". You can see it. You've just experienced it within, you can't deny that. That being said, you now know creation is finished. It's done. Done. Done. Done.
The 4D is the only true reality. It's the blueprint, nothing would exist in your 3D if it wasn't for it, your old assumptions, thoughts and ideas. For you. All you need and want already exists within you. Your desires are not separate from you, so you can experience them within; your mind is not separate from you, so you can change your old patterns; your 3D is not separate from you, so you can control it! You are the 3D and the 4D, just -- different, in another form.
The 3D is not real; it is a reflection of your mind! It may feel real, look real... But just because you see from it, not beyond it; the body is experiencing the 3D, but it's when you start to look at it from the 4D that you can understand that and take it in. All you need is the 4D. And, within, you've already experienced your desire, and you don't need anything else in order to experience materialization. It is set in stone if you decide it is -- so choose.
"I want to experience 'x' now. What do I do everyday in order to get it?"
No. There's no "getting". There's no "in order to". There's no "want". From the moment you get involved in the imaginal act, creation is finished, and 'x' is already experienced. Therefore, it's done. If you're not focusing on the end, but rather on the "I want", you're in a state of lack. Shift your state. Why not? It's not hard; you're in a state now. But I get it. You want the -- 'real' experience in the 3D? You want everyone on here to stop talking in riddles and tell you what to do, because random people on the internet have more power over you than... you? Aren't you tired of chasing? Of trying? Maybe not -- enough.
But seriously, if you "want" "it" "now", persist in the knowing and go to sleep. Tell yourself it's done and it's done. Persist in the old story and that's what you "get". Persisit in the new one, and your reality shifts. After all, "nothing changes if nothing changes". Don't allow any other thought to distract you from the end. Just -- don't. Thoughts come and go, and doubts will come as well; observe them and let them go. The end will materialize in the 3D because it has already materialized in the 4D. The inner man is your true you, so be him. Be unbothered by the neutral 3D and focus on living as the inner man.
"Is this fail-proof? How do I know I'm not just wishing my life away?"
It's real if you assume it is! Now get off this app and do something! Because, who's going to do it for you? Be the inner man and continue being! It will happen! Trust yourself. Trust. Why not?
#manifesting#loa#manifesation#law of assumption#how to manifest#law of manifestation#master manifestor#law of attraction#desired life#dream life#affirm and persist#edward art#neville goddard#affirmyourreality
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For everyone who wanted bullfighter Nando when I mentioned it the other day, here you go :D
+ this one I don't feel like coloring yet(imagine he's in Ferrari colors!!!)
#did you know bullfighters dedicate their kill to a friend or member of the public by giving them their hat?#i really wanted to draw silly vettonso where fernando offers seb his hat#seb retires from bullfighting(yeah its an au now) and fernando in his green costume is like;#'here is my hat. now will you come back from retirement? 🥺'#but yeah feel very abnormal abt that ^ and also the thing abt them having someone who helps them get into their costume as a sacred ritual#theres just a lot of thoughts and ideas floating around in my head bcs of it#anyways i liked drawing this but it was very suffering too and took me like 5 hours#its like. you see the intricate embroidery and im like ah! omg! i love painting details!!!#and then remember im not the best w coming up with ideas for the embroidery pattern itself#so pls bear with me 😭😭 mainly i was trying to reference the diamond logo of renault#but most of it kinda just ended up being austrian knots i guess bcs thats what my mind defaults to#i thought the shoulder pad would be the most difficult but that came together the easiest and made the rest actually work in my head#aaahhh also im surprised w the angle of his face! im usually not good at side profiles as well as tilted down heads#but i think he looks pretty good honestly???#also w the sketch i just wanted to post it bcs i liked his face okay 😭😭😭#i wanted to paint it too but I realized im so naive thinking i could paint two of these horrifically detailed things in one session#but his face 🥹🥹 i like it!!! theres some renault era pic of him i really like where hes sun drenched and angry looking#^ and i think i captured the vibe well so!!!!!#well anyways mayhe ill draw more of this. it was fun but also like sucked my life force out bcs it kept going from easy to 'I CANT DO THIS'#the pictures of matadors are just...insane to me. tiny waist fat ass flamboyant costume. im dead 🫠#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#fa14#matador au
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traditional style 💖
#akoya gero#gero akoya#cute high earth defense club love#binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu love!#boueibu#my art#my akoya wanted to join in the vintage dress-up party too!! \;;w;;/#ognvuhgh i wanted to have this done earlier bc other people were doing art so fast for the new outfits but it got dragged out#it was Mostly done a few days ago and i made final edits and was going to post it just before i rushed out to work#i put it up then i was like '??? wait there's a color blob in the wrong place i thought i fixed that???'#i was down to my last minute and didn't have time to do it so i was like auuuughhgh and took the whole thing down#on the Next day i opened the file again to see what was wrong and the color blob was NOT THERE#so im like ??? why did it suddenly appear again in the png. so i looked and i made an error in naming my files#i accidentally named one of the versions 30 instead of 03 so it sorted into the last place instead of the actual most recent version (07)#so that is the reason i ended up being 1 minute late to work. and the lesson to me is i should not try to post at the absolute last minute#(i say this but if i don't get smth done i can't stop thinking about it. it bothers me constantly to have something almost finished but not#(and then it's difficult for me to focus on other tasks so this is why i feel like i have to just get it done before i switch tasks)#anyway i wasn't totally sure what era the traditional outfits are supposed to be from. im not knowledgeable about fashion actually T.T#i googled 'when were suspenders popular' and ended up just looking at old photos and clothing patterns from the 30s-40s#photos from back then were black-and-white can you believe it.. you have to actually look at drawings and paintings to find color#everyone who left me messages elsewhere: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! \>/////</ i will reply soon!! \;;W;;/
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wip wednesday: workin on some things
#1. slider gets some bad news#2. more superfluous dumb stuff#3. slowly trying to tackle the 1776-1812 top gun AU#i write backwards (from finish to start) so most of what i have is from the end#obviously can’t post that for spoiler reasons#I am incredibly excited about it#hopefully it’ll be short & sweet#10k ish? two-shot?#4. gigantic fuck-you passenger jet#(i am learning how to crochet & used a yarn with a weight 4x what the pattern recommended)#oops#my goal is to read patterns well enough to make a fighter jet sweater#so im gonna do a sweater next#anyway yeah WE’RE SO BACK BABY#haven’t left my top gun phase yet#top gun#top gun maverick#pete maverick mitchell#icemav#tom iceman kazansky#top gun fanfiction#when we get around to talking about it#looking for jobs for the summer & tell me why i hesitated over the n*******-g****** comms internship 🤨#seems bad
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> san's swimsuit isn't her usual style (she's a bit self-conscious about it); himena picked it out for her
> miyuri spends the beach trips in her swimsuit MSS + youkai kagome's event 5 seconds away from clipping into the next plane of existence
i choose to believe that himena set this up on purpose. she can do miyurin a solid AND watch the instructor try not to seem embarrassed. it's a win-win!★
#magia record#aika himena#kagura san#yukari miyuri#sanmiyu#hc post#himena gets back from the mall and sends miyu a text that says ''just went shopping! you can thank me later c:'' with no further context#i wish we got to see himena and san's shopping trip though#i keep picturing himena holding up this floral-patterned bikini like#''omg instructor this one would look soooo pretty on you!! 🥺 please??? it even has flowers on it! we'd all match!''#and san is looking at it thinking that it really doesn't suit her but... himena is so excited... maybe a change of pace would be okay......#(the feeling of ''i may have made a grave mistake'' only sets in once she gets to the beach and realizes that people will See Her)#(but she's not going to back out now so. she will try to keep what she can of her dignity.)#once i finish up my other stuff i might JSON youkai kagome's event#i need an english screencap of ''i-i'm really really sorry! san-sama's legs are just too powerful...''
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if you show me even the tiniest scrap of respect and affection, I will get the strangest most confusing feelings for you (I want you to be my friend! my lover! my partner! my owner! my parental figure! my mentor! love me love me love me! please show me i am lovable! i will do anything! love me!) which will eventually lead me down a path of jealousy over you giving others similar attention, then intense self-flaggelation for feeling this way, and will finally result in me isolating myself for your and my own good because I cannot control my own feelings and feel bad and monstrous and inhuman about it <3
#looking back on a couple of friendships over the past 15 years of my life and am starting to see a pattern#actively trying to fight it whenever i get to meet new people. trying so hard to keep a normal distance and not lose my head#and trip over myself overestimating my place in others' lives. because i knowwwww it'll only get me hurt in the end#so safe moderate distance is fine for now#i don't wanna do this awkward mounting infatuation -> realisation -> selfhate -> isolation dance ever again. i hurt many people this way...#i don't even want to be in a romantic relationship!!!! i'm aroace as hell!!! but the NEED to be someone's EVERYTHING whenever i get attache#fucking insane as hell honestly. idek what you'd classify this as. maybe one day i'll tell a therapist about it. when i find one#this post is literally 13-18 years old me's internal monologue put into coherent words
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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Marvel Mystery Comics (1939) #2
#so the Human Torch went back after the end of his first story and killed his creator?#I did not know that#in this story he hasn’t gotten himself a human identity yet but he is trying at times to blend in like here#there’s a pattern where he has to use his powers and then afterwards has to get himself new clothes#which are necessary for blending in#at one point his clothes are noted as being shabby#I am assuming he’s stealing them#also because he doesn’t wear a mask or anything at one point a bad guy he fought recognized him while he was trying to blend in#marvel#timely publications#jim hammond#my posts#comic panels
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What if Diluc actually picked up a little Khaenri’ahn, enough to even discern things from context clues should he have enough key words, bc Kaeya kept slipping up and forgetting words in common and would instinctively replace them with Khaenri’ahn until he and Diluc figured out what he wanted to say. Then kept it up like a game bc it was plus Diluc was always super intrigued by Kaeya’s birth language up until Kae realized he was risking Compromising himself if Diluc or Crepus ever realizes Exactly what it was and abruptly stopped altogether-
#hc; kaeya#//That bit just for a little portion of the post & some tags#//Brought to you by yer local bilingual who Hates English and to this day will keep replacing words in Spanish#//Either bc I forgor or it just sounds better in my speech pattern#//Bet Kae did that too#//Anywho that adds a bit of a funny for me to Diluc leaving#//Bc then it’d Hit Him one night; and mans’d wake up in a cold sweat all pissed like YOU MEAN HE WAS BEING SO OBVIOUS AND I DIDN’T NOTICE???#//Like to think it came in handy when he started dealing with the Abyss Order#//Mans hearing the mages talking and realizing he can Understand some of what they say thanks to his childhood games with Kaeya#//Mans also knowing how to cuss out an Abyss Mage bc he either heard Kae say it or Kae himself taught him#//Back when they were still on good terms & he wasn’t so cagey about the language#//His pronunciations would prolly be so Off tho ndndn; they’d prolly be more scared of him himself than his threats#//Bet Kae also tried to teach him the writings; but between his dyslexia and his lack of writing experience; it prolly wasn’t much good#//Luc’d have to clown an Abyss mage and bully them into reading the writings aloud for him so he can try and Get it jdjjd#//I like to think when they get on better terms; Kae resumes teaching him#//More people to share his language with and help keep it alive#//Plus they can shit talk people & banter all covert like that jdbdb#//Anywho; hi; irl hit me like a truck#//I have no spoons save to lurk a bit#//Ok byeee
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...
#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all#idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back#it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that#but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time#i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw#i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at#hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed#that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer#and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself#miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk#how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my#increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social#interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better#its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab#ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the#void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting#idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again#but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group#maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from#getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules#unrelated
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Robin fic snippet
Palm scrubbed over her shining cheeks, Elle sat on the ground and said, shudderingly, “Well. I know why you’re alive.”
“For you.”
It probably should have stung, but it didn’t. Not really. A magic girl born in a place magic couldn’t quite thrive, protected in the one way harsh, horrible way Gotham knew how: hope. A woman who’d come back someday, and love it still, blood and crime and chaos all, the whole festering soul of a city.
Jason had belonged to so much worse.
“What?” She blinked. Scowled, wiping under her eyes like Jason couldn’t have told her her face was still perfect, if she’d only asked. “No. Jesus, Jason. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
He didn’t believe her, and Eleanor clearly knew it, rising up on her knees and drawing closer on the uneven ground.
“You were born in the city,” Elle said, softly. Fiercely. “Magic can’t love like people can, but Gotham loves you. That’s why, god, it didn’t know how to fix you, but it tried. You came back in pieces and it put you back together because it didn’t want to let you go.”
#Jason Todd post pit who suffocated in his own coffin: fuck magic FUCK IT ALL-#Jason Todd twenty eight hours into knowing Eleanor: well. Dying did get me a supremely cool girlfriend#not Jason steamrolling right to acceptance#for the romance of it all#and then running away#Elle's day: 1) oh fucking CHRIST hot soulmate#2)yelling at soulmates stupid wonderful brother for? trying to thank her? for not being afraid of her own soulmate?#3) passing out in the back of a vintage car in the middle of fucking jersey to become warden of yet another city#4) crying in a parking lot and physically reminding herself she is NOT ALLOWED TO KISS HER SOULMATE#5) Margaritas#6) BATMAN#it's a time!#Migration Patterns of Turdidae#does this mean resurrection terribleness could happen to any of the bats?#honestly probably
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honestly besides the concern about minors writing smut in general, i find it a little troubling when i see them writing smut that includes kinks. sexually active adults doing/being into bdsm that’s consensual is fine, but i keep seeing really awful shit that includes dehumanizing the reader in ways that you definitely wouldn’t be into if you didn’t find out about it from porn first. last night i found an old sketchbook page of hunter schafer’s that she shared on instagram yrs ago (and since deleted) in which she questions her transness and sexuality, and she writes about being attracted to the idea of domination because of internalized misogyny. it really makes me wonder what people writing hardcore noncon/dubcon are thinking and it makes me sad lmao. don’t get me wrong -- i’ve enjoyed my share of dark fics, but i came across a peter fic that read like it was a real person’s genuine testimony of r*pe and it made me feel ill.
#ree.txt#another unpopular opinion. praise kink is silly to me HJKGDFJGHFD#like obviously you're getting off on someone being nice to you in bed#i'm not trying to kinkshame in this post tho i'm just commenting on patterns of writing i see across diff fandoms that feature rly violent#depictions of sex and i think sometimes we have to step back and think#why is this what i desire?#this post is a rly bad runon sentence SORRY#also my mention of hunters thing is just an added bonus of like how women think abt degradation and how we're socialized to desire that#just fyi it wasnt an attack i love ha
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sometimes days r just shit and thinking about positive things can’t quite shake it off and u sometimes just gotta coast thru the day doing what u can getting up to grab water get fruit open blinds go outside, take care of urself, til u sleep and a new day starts. and i think that is ok. i should not be so adverse to feeling shitty out of fear of not having an instant fix. sometimes things suck. nd that is ok. we are all strong enough to get through that much and there r so many happier days to await
#nightmare.personal#i know i keep posting about my mental health a lot which i try not to do super frequently#when i need an outlet i find this a decent place and i try to make this place pretty positive for myself and others#and sometimes that positivity is being like hey things suck but future mare looking back through your notifs obsessively:#hi. its going to be ok. just keep pushing through#that's kind of my rationale with it#i'm in a bit of a funk but when i get out i imagine my posting patterns will vary to more like. fandom-y stuff#i don't think people are bothered either way but i figure u all should know that#rn i need some good sleep and more frequent therapy appointments and some work ethic. not all of that is in my control#but by God i can do something at the least! nd that is to keep being a stubborn motherfucker thruout all this shit#alright alright. went on my spiel. going to read some fic and ignore my phone like a coward and get some sleep#gonna get up in the morning to shop and then tmrw i meet my nephew :]
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.
#a bit of a gloomy post so feel free to skip#but i noticed myself bottling up grief again and i feel like punching myself in the face#i noticed a pattern of me just repressing and pushing it to the back of my mind more than i did in the past months#i think i had a period of time where i let myself express and feel how much i miss jonghyun more than i do now#i feel like i was a bit more vocal (not necessarily to others in whatever form) and honest about how it felt#but now it's just such a mess in my mind#today was so weird because i took my friend to her workplace and when driving back home i played my jonghyun playlist#and all of a sudden i got very gloomy and started crying my eyes out and couldn't stop#it felt like such a punch to the stomach#i had to stop the car for a little and collect myself because it was just bad#and i felt really scared because i get the feeling i'm going back to the dark place i was in a while ago#i can't tell if it's because december is approaching or if i just have these recurring periods of time where i just cannot bear it#everytime i try to talk about it to my therapist i just freeze#the words get stuck somewhere in the middle and i don't know how many times i've attempted to talk about it and couldn't#i'm just really sad and i don't think pushing the thoughts away will do much#other than just make it pile up within me and then make me blow up like this
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i think i need a higher dose of vyvanse or smth this stuff isnt working like it used to
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anyways. the hardest part about being quarantined is not being able to go to the craft store
#im getting a little antsy working on this sweater#but ive got one skein of this gorgeous purple yarn and a cardigan pattern i want to try#but i gotta see if i can secure more of the same yarn first#but i cant leave my house!!!#obvs not the biggest problem. but i want more purple yarn#also more stitch markers cause every single marker i own is in use#im shit at front/back post crochet and require extensive stitch markers for guidance#anyone wanna mail me some of this exact purple yarn#orating!
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