What about a story about a sweet, kind 30something gay college English professor who wishes to get closer to his students so he wishes to be more like them. Only he turns into the worst version of himself. His turned into this younger, dumber toxic straight bro. A total docuhebag sleazebag or something. Instead of singing showtunes he's rattling off terrible jokes or rock n roll/rap songs.

Sam McGreen was a professor. A real, actual professor. He still couldn’t really wrap his head around it. It wasn’t that Sam thought that teaching was beneath him or anything, he had never really seen himself as the teaching type. Despite being a fairly successful writer whose murder mystery series had gained him a cult following, he was terribly shy when it came to public speaking. It was why he always avoided writers panels and interviews, which had sadly only increased the amount of speaking offers he got. People loved the ‘mysterious recluse’ persona he had accidentally created, and everyone wanted to be the first to get the inside scoop. Sam wouldn’t have even thought about taking the job offer to become a professor if he didn’t desperately need money. He had come down with a horrible case of writer's block, so the writing of his next book had unfortunately come to a halt, and even with the sales and royalties he got from the books he had already written, it wasn’t going to be enough to pay for the wedding. Sam had recently gotten engaged to his longtime boyfriend Micheal, and the wedding that had planned was looking… expensive. They had tried to keep it small, but both had romantic hearts and expensive taste, so it ended up getting out of hand. So, desperate for a more steady cash flow, Sam had accepted the offer to teach. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He knew he was going to fuck this up. But… maybe he was overreacting? It wasn’t like he was teaching kindergarten. These were college students, mature adults who paid to be there. Surely they wouldn’t be that bad, right?

It took less than 5 minutes for Sam to realize how horribly wrong he was. These people were savages! He knew the school had a bit of a reputation as a ‘party school’, but he hadn’t expected it to be this bad. No one in the class seemed to take anything he said seriously. The male students, who mostly seemed to be athletic jocks, were constantly telling crude jokes, laughing obnoxiously, flexing and harassing the few students who actually wanted to be there. The few female students who hadn’t left in disgust just giggled at the nearest jocks jokes vapidly and flirted with them. No one paid attention to a thing Sam said the entire class. Sam spent all of his first class stuttering over words, getting embarrassed by his own lack of experience, and being either ignored by or laughed at by his meathead students. By the end of the day Sam felt completely lost. Every class had been the same as his first, just as embarrassing and pathetic. Sam didn’t understand what he was doing wrong? At first he thought he had just got unlucky with his first class but as the day had progressed Sam started to wonder if something was wrong with him. It couldn’t be that all the classes were filled with bad students. Maybe he was overreacting. It was only his first day after all, but he couldn’t shake this feeling that he was messing this up. Maybe if he could understand these kids better he’d be able to teach better. He had gone to college himself, but he had spent most of his free time working on his first novel. He didn’t really get the same college experience that most people did, and now it was coming back to bite him in the ass. It was late when Sam left, having stayed late to work on his curriculum. As he walked through campus to his car, he looked up at the sky and saw a particularly bright star. He stared at it for a moment, fascinated. Without even meaning to, he wished on the star. He wished to understand his students better. As he did so his eyes stayed transfixed on the star, which grew brighter and brighter.

And, in a flash, everything was different.

Sam woke up slowly the next morning, his head pounding as he did. What the heck had happened last night? He felt like he had the worst hangover ever. He got up from his bed and stumbled over to the bathroom, splashing water in his face. As his headache began to diminish into a dull throb, Sam looked in the mirror, and felt his brain short circuit. Something was wrong. Really wrong. For some reason it took him a moment to notice but… he had completely changed.

The thirty year old author looked like he was in his early twenties again, and was suddenly in much better shape than he had been before, even in his actual twenties. His eyes trailed down his strong biceps and defined abs, both in fascination and shock. He wanted to yell for his fiancée, but instead he felt himself smirk without meaning to. Without even thinking about it he lifted up his biceps and flexed, reveling in his own body. Sam didn’t understand what was going on. It was like he couldn’t control his body. Someone else was in control now.

As the other Sam, who Sam and everyone else had dubbed Green, went about his day it became apparent that Sam had gotten his wish in the worst way possible. He now understood his students perfectly, because he was just like them. A cock, arrogant, toxic, straight jock. He understood what it was like to find classes taught by pathetic professors boring as shit. He understood how it felt to party with an entire frat full of manly bros. He understood what it felt like to fuck a pussy, not caring how the bitch felt and only caring about how great his cock felt. Sam now knew exactly what it felt like to be one of his students, and he hated it. He couldn’t stop himself though. He was trapped, slowly losing himself to the new identity. Eventually Sam would forget he was anyone but Green. He convinced himself Sam was all just some weird dream. Why would he want to be some dumbass author when he was a fucking college stud?

Yet another average day in Family Video:

"Hey. Remember when you said that you'd totally fuck Jonathan."

"When...? Oh, yeah. What the fuck that was literally a month ago why are you mentioning that now?"

"Because that was the same conversation we decided to get the matching tramp stamps. And trying to hide those from my parents is a literal pain in the ass. Pun fully intended. I can't even sit straight and-"

"I'd say you can't do anything straight"

"Not like I can do anything str- fuck you"

Steve swaggers to the back and takes out the whiteboard they purchased together - on ROBIN'S SUGGESTION may he add.

"Can't believe you're losing in your own game. About bad jokes. And being gay. Which are basically your two only personality traits."

Robin's side is embarrassingly empty. He sees it as cosmic karma for her you-suck-game during their scoops ahoy era.

"Alright mister little bitch"

"And yet, this little bitch is beating you in your own game"

Robin shows him the finger. Steve bites the finger because he is a little shit and things like boundaries and personal space have already lost all meaning between the two of them.

In this moment the front doors open. The elderly man takes one look at the scene before him and leaves without a word.

"Where did the Jonathan thing come from?"

"Dunno. I was bored. Thought it'd be funny to see you go through a gay crisis."

"Not much of a crisis if I already admitted to it."

"You're no fun."

"Really? That was not what my dad said three months ago. According to him I am a fucking joke."

"Coming from Harrington Senior that's honestly a compliment"

"Please remind me of that the next time I radio you at 3 am. Who is on tape duty?"

"I did it last time."

"Alright" Steve nods towards the small pile of romcoms they have pointedly not been reshelving for the last half an hour. "Enjoy your alone time in the romance section."

"Do you think it would be an invasion of privacy if we checked who returned all that? It was either an epic girls night of an awful breakup." Her voice gets fainter as she moves to the back of the store.

"Nah. We're in the land of the free or whatever. Wait, let me do it"

"You're only saying that so you can procrastinate asshole"

"Does that mean you don't want to know who took them? Because I promise you, you really really do."

"Don't ask if you already know the answer dingus"

"Guess"

"Ummm....power bottom."

"What?"

"Like with Jonathan. Would you rather he call the shots or the other way around?"

She makes a series of incomprehensible movements that are probably supposed to represent intercourse between two men.

"This is the reason god made you a lesbian"

"And thank him for that. Amen."

"Why are you so obsessed with Jonathan anyway."

"You're deflecting"

"Yeah sure, I am deflecting. C'mon, Buckley. Resume or later?"

"Who was the one who took all the romcoms?"

"If I tell you, will you tell me what's really going on?"

"Depends on your answer."

"I thought you weren't interested in my sex life? Every time-"

In this moment the door opens again. Two girls come in, arm in arm. One is wearing a look that can only be described as disgust, the other is clearly trying to hold in laughter with moderate success.

Over the course of many painful months of customer service (plus surviving an interrogation by the actual Russian secret service) Steve and Robin have developed the ability to hold entire conversations without speaking a single word. It is a very neat talent to have when they want to make fun of someone right in front of them. It is less neat when he is the target.

Robin raises her brows. C'mon dingus, tell these random ass girls about your sex life since you're so proud of it.

Steve frowns in response. Yeah, sure Mrs. Never Even Had A First Kiss.

Robin narrows her eyes. I did have a first kiss. Even if it was absolutely horrible.

Steve puts on his most insufferable expression. You yourself said that it doesn't count. No need to be so jealous Buckley.

Robin rolls her eyes. Alright, I want to see you trying to find a-

"Do you have ET?", Robin doesn't say because, oh yeah, they've got actual customers.

Steve solemnly informs them that ET is current out of stock, but that it should be returned in two days. Robin somehow manages to force her last two movies upon them. They leave with a dazed look on their face that Steve can relate to. Sometimes Robin will start talking and the next thing you know you have a tramp stamp.

"Tommy Hagan"

Robin looks absolutely disgusted. "Tommy Hagan?! You would kiss Tommy Hagan? And then you have the audacity to make fun of my taste in women?!"

"First of all: me and Hagan? Been there done that." Robin looks as if her entire worldview was just flipped upside down. "Second: probably not, he uses a bit too much tongue for my liking. I mean that Tommy Hagan was the one who rented all the romcoms"

Robin takes a moment to process this information. Then she dramatically falls to the floor and squirms around in laughter like a bug on its back trying to get up again. Truly a drama kid through and through.

"And thirdly: for your information, I super could make out with Jonathan Byers. Unlike you, I've got game"

"You don't mean gay-me?"

Steve rolls his eyes and takes out the whiteboard again. He is still in the lead.

"And also, excuse you, I totally could make out with Nancy if I wanted to, okay?! I'm just not a homewrecker unlike some other people"

"Excuse me? I was the one who was cheated on?!"

"I'm insulting your taste, dingus"

"Rich coming from you, since we apparently share the same one"

For a moment she looks confused. Then she thinks back to what she said. Steve can pinpoint the exact moment she realizes it.

"Is this the reason you want me to be into Jonathan so bad? Because you're into Nancy?" Steve feels like a smug cat when her entire upper body grows red.

"Shut up she's just pretty okay?!"

"And badass. Don't forget badass."

"Oh my god I know. Ever since I saw her shooting I haven't been able to get her out of my mind."

"Right?! And as if that isn't enough, she has to go and be smart too! Like, c'mon, she has to have some faults. Some downsides. Nobody is that prefect!"

"Oh my god I know! And-"

They continue like that for a while. Time runs away from them and suddenly Hellfire Club is over and Steve's kids (minus Max, he notes with a heavy heart) are barging into the place as if they own it, for no reason other than to be absolute menaces.

"And like. Robin. She was so hot in that moment. I swear to-"

"Who are you talking about?". Steve is used to Dustin being a rude little shit and automatically answers without even thinking about it. "Nancy."

He realizes his mistake too late. He looks up. Mike's eyes are wide in horror. "I hate you so fucking much" he says before turning around and leaving.

Robin sighs. "I guess that is the downside."

-> the tramp stamp conversation

-> gatekeeping 101

-> breaking out of a heteronormative mindset

finally finished the profile for the danseiroido!! this took way too long just because drawing anime headshot is my biggest nightmare... and then ended up not even looking That anime LOL... i've already had a few comics up in the tag (search em to read!) but. a brief intro is that i basically just made them idols (somewhat) and threw them in the same boygroup to write sitcom/4-koma slice of life random jokes, as i always do! they also share the same universe with my entire vocaloid neighborhood setup (but this will - might - be for another day)

there isnt a deep overarching plot as for now, its just daily lives of a boygroup that doesnt really do anything idol-like and occasionally featuring others around them from the vocal synth ville. oh and idk if i can call them a polycule because they dont really think or operate that way But! i do want all of them to fool around and have their own "ship moment" (if you want to call it that? i dont really label these things and i want to write it that way) tldr they all fuck one another. every single ship in the group canon (EXCEPT the obvious anyone x len. timeout for him he got his ass kicked out whenever they do it...)

my concept/idea for it (not much tbh this is just me rediscovering my love for vocaloid - though one can argue it never went away - and started make up random shits for them so its pretty much spontaneous and not a serious project or anything) is a parody of sort on stereotypical otome/bl genres and boygroups and anime tropes and obviously the vocaloid fandom/history. but i dont think i know enough about bl nor anime nor boygroups so at the end of the day its just guys hanging out XD hm i should just tag my other vocaloid stuff something else too considering its an elaborated world now, with these guys in it, but... that... really is for another day...

wait forgot to say also making len the leader is idk vocaloid meta funny or sth since hes the most popular but here hes just a wee child not even allowed to getting involved much (to be fair its cause most of the involvement are either freakish or sexual. or both) hes already more than involved in the irl success go away little boy. but Boom! funny ass kid leading army of 6 gay ass men (one of them isnt even a man. but only when its convenient) (sometimes there are 7 of them)

also: everyone learn vietnamese to understand how funny their viet names are rn

SORRY I KEEP EDITING. but they also have a playlist... just for funsies. some of them are serious canon lore related the rest are probably all shitposts

i dreamed the succession finale was insane

- opened with roman being taunted by shiv (and her group of girl friends as if this was middle school), in shambles bc they found his diaries and the letter he wrote to his bi favorite character

- roman ran out into the street because he had nothing left (logan was dead, his siblings turned on him)

- jokes about shiv and roman fucking culminated in them actually fucking

- they decided to get on a plane regardless, to go find their old house and get their inheritance/legacy sorted out

- met ken on this tiny ass plane (they flew economy so ig they were broke atp) where roman proceeded to fuck ken (i cannot get this vivid image out of my mind and it is haunting me)

- they went into a bathroom to clean up just as the plane began to land and crashed. because the bathroom was the only extra fortified high pressure cabin on the plane, they survived the crash

- all this while roman was fully losing his mind (crying, throwing up, incoherent) because he’d just had sex with both of his siblings (here’s an idea if it’s going to distress you to fuck your sister maybe don’t fuck your sister)

- they walked through a forest to get to the old house

- shiv found out she was pregnant and had a vision wherein she kept the kid and raised her into a high-achieving girl who got harvard scholarships

- they ran into a man who’d helped logan before (drove him in a horse drawn carriage to his house) and accepted his help because it was getting very difficult to walk the forest

- they rode through a horrible snowstorm

- the man showed shiv a house and was trying to convince her to stay there and raise her child when she saw that two pairs of legs were sticking out of the river (ken and roman) whereupon she realized this man’s vision included her two brothers being dead

- they all fought back against the man. he invoked the “deathly hallows” which were objects meant to create fascism

- roman smiled when he handled one of them (he took to the fascism quickly. big surprise) but did end up wounding the man and running away with his siblings

- together they turned the corner and ended up at the old house

- logan welcomed them with open arms and hugged them and was so glad to have them back

- during an outside gathering/festival of sorts at the house, he glanced at roman and ken and said that he knew

- he was completely disgusted and promptly disowned all of them

- while wandering the party in despair, roman ran into this good-looking guy who said “i fucked the inmates at a psych ward” so roman said “i fucked my brother” and the guy gave him his number and hold him to hit him up

- emboldened, roman went up to the podium where logan was going to be giving a speech, grabbed the mic, and screamed “FUCK YOU DAD! I’M GAY”

- then there was a segment where as roman left, a lady was telling the story of a dog in a painting, reasserting that roman was still a dog, still forever at the mercy of his father despite his act of rebellion. he was never truly free of the cage because of how deep it had cut as he’d grown up in it

- i thought it was going to end there

- then roman shiv and ken were all in a helicopter, leaving their father (they’d all been shunned)

- logan suddenly showed up and said he’d found out shiv was pregnant

- logan wrote IF I’D KNOWN and then I WOULD’VE on the foggy glass helicopter window, implying that he would’ve forgiven them (specifically roman)

- logan hugged roman and roman cried so hard he threw up buckets of water, as the helicopter descended into a river and the door popped open and all of them where flooded

- there was a distinct knowledge as they went underwater, that they were dying for the last time

- roman woke up to the doctor putting little sensing nodes on all their stomachs, and to realize a yellow one was pointing at him, showing that it had been his fault, that the helicopter was a sort of suicide

- that’s it

62

1/12/24

I know a whole lot about a whole little. He was enthralled by me. I douched my ass with white wine. It bit from the inside. His finger slipped up into me, tussled with my shit. I used a credit card to split the ketamine. I inhaled in one go. Then my head was out in space a bit. All over his wall was gay art. Men and dicks took up space. We are all overly concerned about space. I am a fucking pig. I squealed with his tongue in my asshole. He couldn't find his poetry from America. He met an important poet and felt important. When my time is up, I won't have done anything important. Trust me when I say it is all for nothing, in an okay way, that doesn't engulf me. He brought out four different poppers bottles. I tried each one like a wine tasting. I inhaled so deep I couldn't feel it anymore. When he was in me I couldn't fall off the cliff of pleasure. He glanced over my body from under my pelvis, his eyes peaking out as it from the side of a bed. Our bodies were entangled. I did remember I was going to die and the words bore me. He made a Moscow mule and I was stable. I felt real for four minutes. It didn't feel good or bad. I stood naked in the mirror and thanked God for my thinness. I am not a twink. He wanted to assign me a group. He determined twunk was more appropriate. Everything felt like a joke. Everything was impossibly important. He talked about the glamor of prestige and feeling important and successful and I was bored. When he came in my bare ass his face was wretched and writhing. Pain and pleasure are homoerotic friends. He wore a suit for me to create the fantasy of power. I was upside down speaking right ways up. He fucked me with his eyes. The next step after this is literally being eaten. I wonder if he could kill me with his tongue. I thought about the Swiss suicide boxes and imagined lying yourself down into a darkness from which you do not emerge. Gay men bow to pleasure. It is a sure path. Things that are all or nothing feel good. To be entitled to pleasure. Risking sanity or safety because it feels good. He said he was smart. We said faggot speaking our gay man language. We want to be smart and thin and unbothered. The most pleasure wins. The most fuck you eyes are the sexiest. He was drawing his hand across me and watching my naked body, my lungs inflating, deflating. He thought I was beautiful. I knew we didn't have long. The words defeat themselves. I admire things that stay that are not supposed to stay. I forgive people who do not deserve it. He liked my confidence. I was talking about the idiocy of bad kissers. It was whatever. He spoke about the diplomatic academy and applying for foreign service jobs, that specific internship. He was aghast he didn't get it. I thought about Ananya and Kamille because he was stuck in the why. My why is the shape of a body and feels like the swell of a chest with my conch shell ear over the ocean of his heart. My hand inside the void. I won't tell which finger I would get rid of first. He was impressed that I am American and a polyglot. Nothing matters enough. After 22, you are 30. I smirked about twink death. My sex is going to get nasty. No one, including myself, is awake. Whatever words are coming speak for themselves mostly. I'm tagging a long behind them like a dog. I am trusting the words and to where they are bringing me. This is a good poetry trail. In the dirt path poem, footprints build a sorrowful sentence. The sentence is the music of weeping. We are supposed to be smart and useful. We are not supposed to be anonymous. If our potential is gone, the want gets smaller, like how the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere directly correlates to spider size. He says do I work at Prada or the Foreign Service Ministry. I said ask yourself what you want and why. It is 5:06pm and horribly dark. Everything was fallow gray and ashen. The light bore dust from cryptic heavens. I said in Spain lives someone I love. He said you know so many words and I said only the ones that matter. My dick was out when I answered. My throat stopped hurting from the ketamine.

I swallowed. I reached the text maximum with the last paragraph which I have never done before. I am following the words and eating their bread trail. What will I make of poetry before it's too late? No one is innocent in their attempt to be none. I lied and told my friends I was still in bed sipping the Moscow Mule and talking about being special. Hello great jaw. I am so surrounded by human beings sometimes it is hard to move. I hold a knife like monkey bars. That is my way of keeping the suffering ignited. Queue leaving the electric stove in my apartment. My austere Landlady leaves me passive aggressive notes when I err in some way. Def Herd war auf, she said. Her eyes are nervous and beating. She never ends a conversation fluidly. I always end up having to walk away to make it cease. The main reason we communicate is for her to tell me how I've fucked up which makes me hate her, but I am guessing if I put more effort in to generally talk with them, it'd be less fraught. At least my suffering, my good suffering, my burning lungs suffering, keep me huffing and puffing on. The day I am orphan, I will do a thing I have never done before. Memory is an exercise in prayer. Aren't you talking to something that you aren't sure is there? Queue being the cleverest bitch in the club. Queen faggot was kissed by enlightenment snorting cocaine off of a strangers dick. I witnessed the silence of truth. The slowness of meaning. All the cameras were on me. The day I transform the agony written here, the day I can read this back. I miss the summer rain and my dogs. I sit in this McDonalds alone, fortunately. I need to go lay down again, and try to clean.

Happy Birthday! This letter is meant to be read in chunks, like while you are on the crapper or something. Don't go through it all at once!

--

Do you have a gay bestie? Cause if you don’t i’d like to volunteer for the position. I can start today. 🙋🏻‍♂️

Every it girl needs a gay best friend bro c’mon.

—

한승주

One thing I appreciate so much about you is that even though we've only met in person no more than 2 or 3 times, you treat me like someone you've known forever. I mean you made time to meet me even though you were sick, even though you were swamped with work. You gave me the nicest hug even though I told you not to cause I was sweaty. Not only that but you didn't even let me pay for anything, and you were about ready to hop a cab over to Parnas due to a mistake that I MADE in communication. You and your drip IV'd ass said you "felt bad" that I, a military man mind you, had to walk less than a kilometer through a bit of heat to come see you.

I can only imagine how well you must treat your actual, longtime friends.

--

김치

Kimchi is storing something good away, in hopes that something great might come of it later. - JY Park, circa 2016

--

You and I have been chatting since 2014 or so. And to be honest I've always wanted to hangout with you back then, but never really felt right doing so. I think I was intimidated to be honest. You being this cool, interesting Northwestern gal. And me being a lump of coal who just went to Columbia. So almost on purpose, I kept my distance in college, then throughout the years, only making sure to check in every now and then so that we don't lose touch.

I'm quite glad I did though.

People say it's harder to make friends the older you get. I don't agree. I think finding GOOD friends becomes much harder though. All you start to want as you get older are people who you can fully be yourself with, and who will bring you up instead of drag you down.

I can tell that you are someone who fits that criteria for your friends.

For myself at least, I'm glad I can be myself with you without being judged. You've never inquired as to my background, my gender, or anything much really and yet you do show signs of care and concern, offering to send me care packages multiple times throughout the years. You've also listened and replied to my rants when I have been at my lowest points. Thank you for that by the way.

As I mentioned last time, you are one of the very few people in my life whom I wish I could swap lives with for a bit. And I don't say that out of a place of envy or anything but rather I know that If I were to follow in your footsteps so to speak, that I'd inevitably be successful one day.

That might be a roundabout way of saying that I know YOU are going to be successful.

I admire your work ethic. I admire the fact that you've worked for most everything you have the past half decade. We joke about you needing a sugar daddy but something tells me that even if you had one, you wouldn't be happy for long. You're too driven to just lie around all day. No sooner than later you'd be coming up with a business plan for a pilates club or juice bar. (I could be wrong though)

--

Lowkey I'm kinda glad I never took you up on goin out to Sound Bar or anything. I'm glad we never formally hung out in college. Sorta like 김치 (aha, you were wondering what the heck that was about) I think it's more fitting that we get to know eachother a bit more now that we're more mature and kinda know who we are.

I don't know about you but for me this is one of the most unconventional friendships I've had, period. In constant communication for almost a decade, only having met twice or thrice, and not really knowing too much about eachother but still having a sense of care for one another. Going from being an hour-ish apart from one continent to being an hour-ish apart on this continent. We're like modern day pen pals and I think that's pretty cool.

--

Before I left the other day the last thing you said to me was to check in with you alot now that I'm here. I'll try. Like I said at our age, you start to only care about having a few good people rather than alot of average people.

And you are definitely good people.

You lumped me in with Sara which I thought I really haven't deserved yet. Cause I haven't really done much for you honestly. Though now that I'm here I look forward to being able to do more and to actually be a friend rather than a pen pal.

I'm thankful that in the little time we had you were able to share some stuff with me. I learned a lot about you in that little timeframe believe it or not. In the coming year I hope I get to learn alot more. And if you ever wanna know anything about me, just ask. I'm an open book.

--

Some of my favorite things about you so far : love your gummy smile, it's the best. Love how direct and straightforward you are. It's almost uncomfortably blunt at times but definitely preferred. Love how considerate and courteous you are.

Some things I'm curious about: What's something you can talk about and never get bored of? What do your tattoos mean, if anything? What brands fill your closet the most? How many best friends do you have? What makes them your best friend?

--

Lookit I wish every good thing happens for you. I hope you make partner, and achieve every career goal you set. I hope you find the guy of your dreams who checks all of your boxes without compromise. I hope your health miraculously gets better. I hope your family are all happy and healthy. Literally I just want you to be happy, and I want you to not ever have to feel like happiness awaits in the future. Ya know what I mean? Not when you've got the position or the house or the car or the man but now. And if you ever struggle with that, do let someone know. Let me know.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday. I am honored to have been able to have wished you in person, even if a bit early. Glad I got to finally get you something other than autoshipped flowers. I look forward to spending more time with you this year! Im thinking your next birthday, for our 10 year frienniversary we could probably do something special if you wanted. Maybe a trip to a resort island or something, anything! My treat of course

--

PS

was not kidding about the gay best friend part

Auto Pilot

James was 18 and already shaping up to be a disappointment in life. After spending four years of high school slacking off, doing drugs, and not caring about anything, he now found himself a freshman in college with little prospect of where to go. He was attending the local community college - he hadn’t even wanted to do that, but his parents threatened to kick him out and cut off funding if he didn’t do some higher education. Now he found himself wandering aimlessly around campus. He had no idea what his major would be, no plans of any kind, really. He wanted to stay as distant from this college experience as possible.

To be honest, James did sometimes think about his lack of aim in life. The truth was he truly did fear committing to anything in life, for the risk of making the wrong choice, and so invented a “don’t care” persona to cope with his lack of place in the world.

James arrived at his dorm, and made his way upstairs to his room. He shared it with some guy, Clide. They didn’t talk much. As he got to the door of his room, he noticed a package sitting in front of the door. He picked it up and inspected it. Relatively small, lightweight, addressed to him. Odd. Usually this type of thing would be sent to the mail room. As James entered his room, he put the package down on his desk. Clide wasn’t there, he was probably at class.

“Might as well check this thing out,” James said to himself as he opened the box. Inside was a big red button reading AUTO PILOT.

Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly wasn’t that. It was one of those comically oversized buttons like you saw in movies. He had never seen one this big in person. And what did “Auto Pilot” mean?

Looking back into the box, James found a small booklet labeled “User’s Manual”. He picked it up and read the contents:

“INCREDIBLE AUTO PILOT BUTTON

Life can be exhausting. School, jobs, bills, food, house troubles, and countless other decisions have to be made and executed every day. At the end of the day, is all the grind really worth it? Wouldn’t you rather take the easy route? The better route?

The Auto Pilot button is simple. Press it, and your life will be set to “auto pilot”. We’ve spent decades studying the behavior patterns of successful people, and have created a formula by which we have the correct response to every obstacle and issue you will ever face in your life. Job troubles? You’ll always be a hard worker who knows how to get what he wants. Social issues? You’ll have the right line for every occasion. You’ll be more outgoing, more ambitious, and best of all: you don’t have to do any of it. When you’re on auto pilot. You can sit back and watch as your body makes all the right decisions for you. One press is all that’s needed.

Enjoy your life on auto pilot!”

James checked the back to see if there was anything else. He didn’t know what to think. He almost wanted to laugh. It had to be a joke, but the tone of the pamphlet was so certain that it could also be the delusions of some eccentric billionaire. Ah well, at least he finally had something to go on his barren desk. He slid the auto pilot button to the back corner of his desk, then paused. He pressed down on the button, just to see what those big red buttons really feel like.

Unfortunately for James, one press is all that’s needed.

*click*

As the button clicked down, James’ body slumped.

His eyes went dead.

And then he suddenly smiled.

And he kept smiling.

James was 22 and life was looking pretty great. After pressing that button his freshman year, James completely turned his life around, as if overnight. He suddenly started paying attention in all his classes. He began going to the gym, and joined an intramural soccer team. By the end of his freshman year, James had gained 25 lbs of muscle, going from a boney 150 to a beefy 175. He also ended his year, with a 4.0 GPA, and used it to apply to the local state school. It just offered him more opportunities than community college, and had better networking circles. James got in handily, and that fall found himself moving across state to university.

Almost as soon as he landed on campus, James continued his life climbing. He declared majors in international business and finance, knowing the money opportunities that lay there. The course load was nothing for James, as he always worked on homework at maximum efficiency. In fact, he had time left over to join a club lacrosse team.

Through his finance classes and lacrosse practices, James came to realize the social circle he needed to join if he wanted to get ahead: The rich preps. They were the ones who exuded the aura of success he wanted to project, and the ones with the connections to jobs after college. He modeled himself after them. He began to dress like them, in khakis and pastels, and leather loafers. Vineyard Vines, Ralph Lauren, and Brooks Brothers invaded his closet. He began to manage his hair, combing it into a neat side part every morning with pomade. He researched golf news, followed stock market trends, so he would have topics to talk about with these preps.

Slowly, by bringing up the points he now new about with classmates, and by projecting the image of a successful young preppy professional, James came to be accepted as one of their own. One of the boys. His ultimate dream. From that point it was easy: James was Mr All American, effortlessly witty and charming. By the time he was a senior, James was on fire. He had served as captain of his lacrosse team for the past 2 years, was top of his business classes. He had met several of his new friend’s fathers (all of them CEOs), and in most cases the fathers ended up liking James more than their own children. James was a professional in all aspects, and he did it all with a bright, mindless smile.

The one thing James hadn’t accomplished in college was finding a girlfriend. Of course he’d had several offers, but he never took a woman to call his own. Every once in a while he found himself staring at the guys on the lacrosse team while they changed, but these were only fleeting feelings. Certainly not the most efficient way to live his life.

But this didn’t matter to James. In just a few months he would be graduating top of his business program, and thanks to the father of a friend he had a job lined up at Plexicorp, one of the biggest marketing chains in the nation. James was only 22 and he was a consummate professional. Is this what a perfect life looks like?

James was 30 and on top of the world. After graduation he went right into work at Plexicorp, and immediately assumed the stereotype of a “young urban professional”. His work ethic was tireless, and through a mixture of countless golf matches and the perfect water cooler humor, James quickly became the most popular guy in his office, and the model employee. He rose in the ranks quickly, and was now a regional manager with a six figure salary at only 30.

With extra cash to spare, James had gone to work giving his life an upgrade. He bought clothes from extremely expensive brands, though sticking to his preppy classics. He got salon quality pomade for the classic styling of his hair (which had only gotten lighter over the years), and routinely had dermatology and dental work done to keep his face looking as fresh as possible. He bought a serene little cookie cutter McMansion out in the suburbs. Even with all this going on, he perfectly worked time into his schedule for gym and nutrition, keeping his body in peak shape even as he got older. At age 30, James was quickly approaching a DILF.

With the perfect job, the perfect clothes, and the perfect body, you’d think James would have quickly found a suitable wife, or at least someone looking for a QoL upgrade. But even over the years, James still never found himself fully committed to women, even though he knew starting a family young would be most productive in the long term. In a particular night of conflicting emotions, James made his way to a leather bar on the outskirts of town, where a nice 50 year old man with a beard and a harness taught James what he had always known. He was gay. And he loved it.

There must have been a hole in the Auto Pilot system. Certainly heterosexuality would be most efficient for a successful life, but somehow James’ base feelings came through. Of course he had no way of knowing what was going on in his body. All he knew was what was most efficient, and what felt best were in opposition to each other right now.

Eventually, with a smile, the straight James won out. After his encounter with the leather clad friend, he quickly found himself not thinking about sex at all. A life of chastity was certainly good enough for him. Letting sex be for pleasure hardly worked out, as we see. Sex should be for utility. Creating the family. And to get a family, he needed a wife.

The following weekend James took a trip to his local country club, and after a bit of scouting, chatting, and brown-nosing, James was introduced to Amber, an interior decorator. She wasn’t the most brilliant with a conversation, but she was single and looking to marry and that was enough for James. They went on several incredibly vanilla movie and dinner dates, where hand holding was the most action either of them got. After 8 months, they married and moved in together.

Now standing here at 30, James looked in the mirror. He felt his decently-sized chest push against the cotton undershirt and mint green button up sitting on top. His rotund and muscular ass was perfectly wrapped by his khakis. He looked down at the counter of his bathroom. Marble. With plenty of space. Even with his tricky sex situation, James had to admit he had a great body and a great life. He had made (almost) all the right decisions, and was reaping plenty of the rewards. As far as living life, this was a pretty good way to do it.

James was 40, and life was perfect. The shareholders of Plexicorp were so impressed by his keen business instincts and impressive management, and at only 32 offered to make him the youngest shareholder in the history of the company. From there he went from “pretty well off” to “disgustingly wealthy”. James knew how to invest his money well, and from the moment of that promotion never worried about money again. He moved into a mansion in the nice part of town and upgraded his wardrobe to suits, suits, and more suits. Now that he was one of the elites, he had to project as such. He kept his appearance as clean and refined as possible at all times. He loved to flash off in a khaki suit (a nod to his preppy roots), and with his now perfectly-blonde hair, he was the absolute image of refinement. He had certainly aged like fine wine, and there was no doubt about it: James was a DILF.

The only sore spot in his life has been Amber. After years of trying and failing to conceive due to lack of excitement, Amber eventually asked to file for divorce. James knew he had to grant her this, and handled the proceedings quietly (and generously) to let go of her gently. At 35, James was finally meeting a dead end that his Auto Pilot skills were unable to find a solution to.

Until he had an investment meeting with a local stock analyst named Robert

Robert was an image of success, beauty, and sharpness that James had seen in only one other man: himself. It was almost unnatural how beautiful and crisp Robert was. His perfectly parted hair. His well-fit gray suit and polished dress shoes. As James eyed this man up and down, it dawned on him. Robert must have made every decision perfectly in life to look like an image of success in his his 30s, because he did. Robert had help from Auto Pilot too. And judging by the lack of a ring on his finger, and the way he was eyeing James in the exact same way James was eyeing him, James had a suspicion that Robert had the same problem he had.

Robert was someone whose every value, choice, and lifestyle matched up with James’.

James knew exactly the right decision to make.

The two flashed each other perfect smiles and firm handshakes, and although the topic of their first meeting stayed on stocks, it was clear there was a mutual spark between the two. They quickly decided that weekly investment meetings would be best, which turned into lunch meetings twice per week, which turned into dinner, which turned into something much more. The two took it slow, to be safe, but it was clear they were disgustingly perfect for each other. On Tuesdays and Thursdays they met up at the gym at 6AM to exercise together. They had quickly learned they wore the same suit size, and exchanged looks on several occasions. Robert taught James just how he achieved his razor sharp part, and James taught Robert how to match pocket squares to outfits. After a few years of dating they married in a picturesque countryside summer wedding, and both knew this one would last.

Now standing here at 40, James could genuinely say life was perfect. He had gone from an aimless place in his life to the top of the world, and although it had been a bumpy road, he was now with the perfect partner living a life of gentility. Checking his suited image in the mirror one last time, James left the bathroom and walked to the front door where Robert was waiting. The two had plans to attend an orchestra show and get dinner at the nicest restaurant in town.

James flashed Robert the perfect smile, and Robert returned the favor.

“Ready to go, darling?” James asked the man of his dreams.

“Of course, love.” Robert replied in a smooth tenor. The two briefly joined to kiss, before heading outside where the driver was waiting to take them into the city for another wonderful night.

For the quiet days in the Quarter

Summary: There was no such thing as a quiet day in the French Quarter, actually, but if there ever was an exception, you and Kol made sure to keep the rest of the family on their toes.

Warnings: none

Prompt: “This plan of yours is going to get us killed. Of course I’m in.”

Pairing: Kol Mikaelson x platonic!Reader 

Word count: 1000-ish

A/N: This is my submission for @hellotvshowtrash #march2021promoptchallenge. This started off as an imagine but it was too messy, so I made it into a headcanon type thing, but I’ve never done it before, so it’s sort of trashy but I had fun, so it's okay, lol! <3 I’m also very nervous about posting it akjakjflad but I wanted to challenge myself to do it so yay :’) 

It was a well known fact that quiet days in the supernatural community weren't a common occurrence.

Especially in the French Quarter of New Orleans, where trouble lurked around every corner.

And amongst trouble seeking Original vampires.

Who also happened to be your adoptive family.

It wasn’t a secret that the Mikaelsons were masters at stirring and attracting all kinds of trouble, never having a moment of peace in their lives.

You had been proven of that repeatedly over the years.

And gotten in danger a couple of times, because of it.

But there was also a flip side.

They were incredibly loyal to their loved ones and you had somehow edned up as one.

They all adored you like family and welcomed you into their home when you reunited in New Orleans.

Growing closer with them also meant that they had allowed you, albeit rarely, to see their lighter sides.

The little moments when they shared a laugh over something mundane.

But there was one Mikaelson in particular who's sense of mischief you'd instantly clicked with.

"Thinking of me, darling?" Kol stood in the doorway.

You smirked at the Original fondly, "Always, baby."

The flirty comments and playful glances were the brand of your friendship, but it was all platonic since day one.

as you were very much gay

Because like any sane person you had no interest to get involved with an emotionally unstable Original vampire.

But you had to admit that the two of you were a great team.

Whenever there was a suspiciously quiet day in the French Quarter, you took the task to change that to heart.

But in a whole different way than the usual turmoil that echoed throughout the Abattoir.

"I have an idea." Kol walked further into the room.

Usually that's how it started. A silly joke, a random thought, and before you knew it you were being chased out of the compound by one of the other siblings.

It was always in an attempt to entertain yourselves while everyone else was busy destroying saving the city.

By the way his smirk grew wider, you knew it was a good bad one this time.

But you knew how much you could get away with.

Especially after a particular incident involving a bucket of paint in Klaus' studio, resulting in a daggered Kol.

But as he told you about this idea of his, carefully explaining what he had in mind,you weren't sure either of you were going to survive it.

But he needed a partner in crime

"No." You mumbled, shaking your head.

"Oh, come on, Y/N, I'm bored! Aren't you?" He whined sluggishly in a british accent, the previously sly glance he held over you turning into a pleading expression. The puppy dog eyes he tried to give you did little to hide the glimmer of mischief underneath.

He was dying to do this and you couldn’t blame him.

And the crime in question this time... was a prank.

A prank!

A great one, at that.

BUT

One he wanted to pull off on the worst possible person to pull a prank on. A man that had a stick up his ass zero tolerance for your childish schemes.

Who would most definitely not find Kol’s idea even remotly amusing.

Who would hunt you down and kill you, which considering the fact that you shared a living quarters, wouldn't be too difficult for him.

"So, what do you say, darling? Wanna go shopping?” Kol's crooked grin spread across his face.

A heavy sigh escaped your lips at the thought, "This plan of yours is going to get us killed.”

How could you pass the opportunity to see the look on his face, though, once the prank was complete.

Your eyes trailed over the room before a smirk graced your lips, “Of course I’m in."

You both set out to complete your respectative tasks for the plan to work.

Just like the nature of the recepient, the success of the prank laid in its meticulous execution.

Luckily, the compoud was big enough, so that you could distract the Original you needed to, while your partner in crime finished the final step of the plan.

You coaxed the man in the suit in the kitchen, offering him a freshly brewed cup of coffee.

Mustering your best acitng skills, you faked a clumsy coffee spill which was very uncharacteristic for a vampire such as yourself but oh well and before you knew it, he was headed up the stairs to his room.

Unbeknownst to him, Kol was already hiding there and you followed suit.

“What the-?”

His perplexed mutter brought you and Kol together, coming into view further inside the room.

You had to put a hand over your mouth as you stood next to Kol, both of you focused on the Original who had his back to you, facing his wardrobe.

“What in the name of God have you two done?” He turned back around, holidng up two hangers.

Before you stood Elijah Mikaelson, in his thousand dollar suit, with a floral hawaiian short sleeved shirt in each hand.

The colorful patterns and light fabric a stark contrast to the dark shadow looming over his face, and the thretaning glare settled deeply on his face.

You had really outdone yourselves this time.

You hadn't left a single item of his clothes.

It was all replaced with swim trunks, flip flops, short sleeved button downs, all of which covered in various patterns and colors, that you would usually find in the wardrobe of someoe who lived on a tropical island, maybe.

But not in Elijah Mikaelson’s wardrobe.

Despite his displeased expression, both you and Kol burst out laughing instantly at the sight.

As you had imagined, it was absolutely worth it to see Elijah's face, frowned in aggravation.

He looked as if he’d never been this annoyed in his whole life and that was definitely an accomplishment.

Turning sideways to Kol, he looked just as proud as you felt. 

You shared a high five for a job well done.

Once your laughter had died down, you noticed that Elijah was still stood there, but when he caught your eyes, his face slowly began changing.

The faintest of smirks tugged at the corner of his lips as a little spark danced behind his dark eyes.

You gulped down, the room suddenly becoming frighteningly still.

“I suggest you run.” He remarked flatly, but his eyes had turned even darker and his lips had outstretched into a haunting smirk.

....

You didn’t return to the compound for a month.

Once you did, you and Kol had a lot of catching up to do for the lost month. 

But unsirprisingly you’d had plenty of quiet time, to come up with new ideas, while you were away from the compound.

i am very curious to hear queer people's opinions on the dangai ban - i hate twitter because the 200 word hot takes don't cut it for me (and I know it's not the poster's fault). Any lamentations about losing queer representation in China seems very superficial. There hasn't been queer rep in China since 2016 ie post Addiction - so what are we really grieving here?

I've been following queer media for over a decade... I was in BL spaces since the second Boy's Love movie came out. Every single country other than China has had a very similar trajectory. low budget, bad acting, bad writing (but lots of heart!) and slowly SLOWLY we are moving up. In Japan, we are getting real queer people in mainstream straight series where they aren't the butt of jokes, we're getting short but very well made gay shows that are ultimately very chaste or pure. There are values to every avenue taken to push queerness through from murder gays to sexless gays to tropes that cater to fujoshis - in fact fujoshi's have had a big hand in creating demand and pushing the genre forward. It's dangerous for a lot of queer people to express their love and support and for a demographic to be able to be vocal about this without compromising themselves - genius. A lot of self-proclaimed fujoshi of the time (like myself) were queer but in denial/hiding.

China was very much on the same trajectory - low budget, horrible stories, bad acting until things got shut the fuck down. And then with no political changes suddenly appears dangai - big bugdet, good shows, huge commercial successes. But what's the aftermath of that? The fact that there is an untying process to begin with makes it very clear to me that dangai is there for commercial purpose and very much NOT queer or enevelope pushing purposes.

As a lover of BL having queerness being a commodity is something I am familiar with and accept but dangais seemed to have taken it to such an extreme level. Like fuck people act like Yibo and Xiao Zhan's gazes meeting would cause the world to end. There's a queerness cleanup process here that leaves us only with the commercial successes. I want all BL actors to flourish and I am happy for them when it serves as a stepping stone for them into bigger and better projects but YiZhan's new projects have always filled me with so much bitterness for the reason I just stated.

Of course Word of Honor is different: from the romance tropes unrelated to the books, this being GJs second BL to Junzhe not untying to everything that happened in promo period - this production felt like it was made for queer people and for queer rep. And well, they got punished for it, heavily. Zhehan took the brunt of it obviously but damn Gong Jun is really going through it too and still clinging on holy fuck. I will always respect Zhehan and Gong Jun for the sheer cultural impact their actions have made.

I don't think dangai was ever meant to help queer people. Because when censorship goes against innovation queer people get punished. Being a pioneer in queer things is generally pain. The dangai ban is very reflective of where things are politically in China and if that's the reality that's the reality and I trust that queer people will find their way as they have done everywhere for centuries against oppression. T/encent making money while the country is actively erasing queerness - lots of new rules imposed onto danmei itself right now too right? - is just not where queer rep is at. And T/encent allegedly being a key player behind bringing dangai down? Like c'mon. Or the fact that the ban doesn't include GL shows and is based on some messed up ideas of gender presentation? Like we're all losing here.

The reason why so much asian queer media is bad is because they have so little to work with - like the Takumi-kun series was by any standards a horrible ass show but it was still ground breaking because they pushed the envelope on what we could expect from two romantic male leads and will therefore be one of my favorite BLs of all time. It will always and forever come before The Untamed - which is by any standards a really good show. Eventual commercialization is expected and a sign that progress is happening and the ideas are becoming mainstream outside queer circles.

But commercialization first? That's not where it's at. Capitalism doesn't give two shits about queer people.

tldr; the dangai ban is just a reflection of the political sentiment on queerness in China - a sentiment that has been known for close to a decade. My reaction to it is neutral, maybe even positive because now the bottom line has been drawn. Lamenting the loss of dangai as a loss of queer representation - which it arguably has never been about that - feels hollow.

Ephemera Week (2002)

Mission Hill (originally aired on WB, 1999-2000)

Mission Hill was a perfectly good animated series from former Simpsons show-runners Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein. It was a sitcom about cool young people in a cool young people city. Andy French is an aspiring cartoonist, intended to be a Matt Groening type who would (over the course of many many seasons) eventually find success and get his own super-successful animated series called THE SIMPSONS: SEASONS 1-8.

The premise of the show was that Andy’s parents retire and sell the childhood home, displacing his nerdy high-school aged younger brother Kevin. Kevin moves in with Andy and learns how to be a cool city style guy, you know, the kind that’s always “walkin here!” and sucking off Bob Balaban in the men’s room and whatnot.

The show is at least better than the bad seasons of the Simpsons, and has a cool alt-comics style that suits the show really well. Not to damn it with faint praise, it’s a good show. There are a handful of GREAT episodes and plenty of strong jokes. There's news of a revival in the works focusing on Gus and Wally, the older gay couple in the show. It's supposed to take place in the same era the show originally aired in, which is just great.

Like Baby Blues and Home Movies before it, I did catch this show randomly on it's network of origin. I saw one or two of the final episodes to air on WB. I liked it! I was glad to see it get revived for a run on Adult Swim. I've wanted more episodes ever since.

I don't think the show is available for streaming anywhere, which is too bad. It came out on DVD with special features. That DVD set was reissued on DVD-R without special features, so... buyer? be wary. There's also a number of music replacements that ruin some of the scenes. At one point I had a bootleg set where somebody took the DVD video and replaced the audio with the as-broadcast version of of the show. Good luck finding it.

Here's an episode guide showing their debuts on Adult Swim. Bold episodes were originally unaired, making their debut on the channel. Also note: episodes had an innocuous title and a spicier in-house title in parentheses. It’s real Police Squad! shit.

12AM Monday Morning:

May 20: Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect) May 27: Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations) June 3: Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro) June 10: Andy vs. The Real World (or The Big-Ass Viacom Lawsuit) June 17: Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers) June 24: Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying) July 1: Kevin vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions) July 8: Unemployment Part 1 (or Brother's Big Boner) July 15: Unemployment Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure Ass) July 22: Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie) July 29: Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)

11PM Sunday Night:

August 4: Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag) August 11: Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)

ALSO NOTE: There are about five episodes that were in early-stages of production and if you poke around you can find scripts for these episodes ( here as of this writing). A full animatic and table read for “Crap Gets In Your Eyes” exists if you search for it. 

MAIL BAG

London Arbuckle ASKS! or, states! sorry I’m writing this lead-in without having read the whole message yet.

Another confusing Baffler Meal thing: the deleted cold open that's on the DVD. It gets called back to in the actual episode ("Between two steamed buns", "Nine dollars!? For what?") and provides crucial context, BUT it also gets contradicted in the actual episode (SG sells out for "one serious speaker" instead of owing a restaurant money). Also I remember all the ads for this episode used a clip from the cold open! It always kinda bothered me that they cut it but boys (matt & dave) will be boys!

I do think the cold open is nice and I always make a point to watch it with the episode. In my mind they are as essential as watching that boring Terry Gilliam short before Meaning of Life. The next step is pointlessly editing them together using Nero. Yeah, that’s the ticket

Here’s ANONYMOUS, baby!

It's summertime and we are talking about Adult Swim and I gotta ask when's the last time you've been to a pool. Have you ever in your adult life enjoyed the benefits of an adult swim. Tell us just how much you like splash around. Yes, that would be quite illuminating I'm sure (rolleyes).

Man, when was the last time I went into a pool? It’s been literally years. I think the last time I swam I did a bad job. I am definitely am getting “bad job” vibes off my hazy memories. Man, my memories used to be precious. Damn!

do you think theyll ever work with george lowe again in any major capacity or do you think he's just bad news.

I was about to say “isn’t he on American Dad” based on him name-checking American Dad as one of his many credits but I just looked it up and he was only in one episode. Damn. Somebody give George work he seems nice.

beakman's world, anyone? The wild and wacky world of Paul Zaloom? Hmm? Anyone?

lol you wish...

Baby Blues really was my everything back in the early 2000s, it may not have head the punk rock cred you clearly seem to crave it was a soothing balm for myself as a new father in a scary world (9/11 and all that, terrible stuff).

you raise a good point, that you’re a huge dork “with child” and I’m cool and laughed at 9/11 because it was funny to me, actually

Just read your Baby Blues "take down" and I gotta say: In the immortal words of Mike Francesca, "You're a fool. ho-kay? A total fool."

Uh huh. Yeah okay. Mike Francesca hordes pot bellied pigs in his apartment and lives in filth. He stinks, and so do youd

Baby Blue is like every animation nerd's wet dream. What if they made the rugrats with only the parents part. And here it is. Be careful what you wish for, chunky.

Yeah and it’s too bad because judging from the previous mail bags my audience is primarily made up of BABIES.

Was Jk shading Taehyung during his New Years wishes to him at GDA? Twitter people are reading a LOT into it, saying that Jk is still salty at Tae and vice versa. They seem pretty chill to me. Why do people always find reasons to believe there is Vminkook drama?Is there a reason to think they aren't repairing their freindship?

VMINKOOK...

First of all, why would JK shade Taehyung? What are they fighting about, I wonder. Has anyone known JK to be the passive aggressive king slash shade throwing one in that trio? Because, not me...

I don't see him as the, 'those two are hanging out now followed by a slight head tilt,' kind of person. The 'Jimin wants to come but JK is keeping him from coming,' the 'well, you ignore me anyway so I couldn't tell you were on a mission' kind.

Or even the, 'my friendship relationships are gold to me and it's important for me to nurture those connections' knowing damn well the elephant in the room has a possessive streak and he himself has been on record, allegedly, stating he has one same age friend and all his friends are hyungs- so what is JK to you then Jimin?

Then the whole, 'texting is not a great way to build connections and is a barrier to effective communication' -words spewed in full cognizance of the fact JK is a bad texter yet prefers texting to talking on phone anyway- that is what I call shade. Not sure what was in the water that day, but chilee Jimin was all over the place in that Be Behind video. Lmho.

I think everyone, including even the semi-rational Tuktukker, know damn well what JK meant by that statement and what had prompted it- but leave it to them to circumvent.

Ah, V hyung... we used to have a special bond. When we were trainees, we had such great chemistry. V used to be the easiest hyung to talk to, now it's awkward.

Where is the shade in this? I don't think at all that he is or was in anyway shading Tae or any one. To shade would imply he has stock. He don't.

I hate when people talk about Tae Kook as if there is something wrong with their bond. There isn't. It is what it is. It's just not what their shoppers make it out to be. They are looking for depth where there is none. The fact of the matter is Tae Kook lacks depth to their dynamics. We know it, JK knows it, BigHit knows it. No amount of bullying Jimin or Jokers will add that missing depth back to their relationship. Sorry.

'He is still salty,' honey he was never salty about anything to begin with. They tried it! Making it sound like JK wants Tae to change in order to relate with him again. He don't.

Why would JK be salty about Tae's growth? Why would he object to Tae's growth?

Because that's what it is. This whole Tae Kook tensions is not about them fighting, it's about them growing apart. Tae grew the fuck up and JK can't relate with him or treat him the way he used to when they were young.

And if these self absorbed, legally blind shoppers looked beyond Tae Kook for a second, they will know it's not just JK complaining about Tae changing and becoming different as he grew up.

Tae used to be the easiest hyung to talk to and bully because they were closer in age and Tae allowed for such familiarity between them. Similar to how, Jin and Jimin allows for a certain degree of familiarity and informality between them and Jk.

While Tae allowed and was open to this level of closeness and informality between them, JK apparently held on to the gates, only scraping the surface of it and inhibiting the depth that could have been to their dynamics.

Was Tae content with that dynamic? No. Did he communicate that to JK? May be he did but JK wouldn't let his guards down. Tae failed to breach JK's emotional boundaries and years later he would express this sentiment openly to JK in their conversation in Soop.

Whereas, JK admitted to Jimin's successful breach of his emotional walls when he recounted the story of their rainy day fight- let me not hear any one compare Jikook to any of JK's ship in BTS, I whoop your ass. D!

This is the intimacy that is missing in Tae Kook. When you are close to someone, you not only feel at ease with them enough to express your thoughts freely with them, you are comfortable enough with them to be yourself, be different, to antagonize them without the fear that your differences and outbursts will sever your bond or lead to irreparable damage to your bond.

Fact is, in as much as JK felt close to Tae in the early days, he harbored a fear that being fully himself enough to be 'opinionated' and fully honest in his self expressions towards him, would break their bond.

He clearly didn't trust their bond was strong enough to handle all of that. That's the intimacy you find in Jikook. The trust. They are both unapologetically themselves with eachother because they trust in their bond.

Which means they share a lot but are also very opinionated with eachother, clash and assert themselves with eachother. And I know the kumbaya fake woke Jokers hate to hear it, but Jikook are strong not because they don't fight but because their bond withstands the test of a fight as Tae explained in his conversation with JK in Soop.

He was able to get closer with Jimin and Jin by being openly assertive with them- going against Jimin in the dumpling incident and all the times they fought, directly confrontational with Jin over their dance choreo but with JK he had always been scared to open himself in that way with him for whatever reason- I won't bother speculating on. It's their ship, they should do the maths.

May be he learned his lesson. He's learned not to fear conflict, to be assertive without fearing he would be punished for it, to be less passive aggressive as he was before and express himself and his feelings more openly over the years.

But it took him closing himself off to get there. Always looking in photos as if Yeontan ate the last brisket. Exuding melancholic vibes.

Young Jk equally didn't have a positive view on conflict and conflict resolution and I think he knew his place as the youngest and did not want to be as opinionated or assertive against them and so, as he explained to Tae in Soop, he opted to keep a safe distance emotionally from everyone- not just Tae.

When JK talks about we used to have a special bond, all he means is they used to be mischievous, get in trouble together, be brats, chat shit under their breaths behind their hyungs- partners in crime and as I like to call them, be the evil power duo of BTS.

They literally shared one brain cell lol, and conspired a lot. Their bond was unique only in that Tae was a rebel at heart and a bit innocent or immature as RM and the others would say.

Ship wise, Tae used to be on his side. He was protective of him and and looked out for him when they were young- that's of course before he started passive aggressively exposing JK's relationship with Jimin on VLives, incessantly shipping Jimin with Suga, dragging JK's ass away from JM's car so he could ride with him and all of those harmless moments that to anyone with little understanding of Tae's character would assume Tae didn't support JK's relationship.

And even after Soop, he put JK on the spot when he tried eye fucking Jimin through the view finder during their dynamite MV- he knew what JK was going to do. He's seen him do that a countless times to Jimin- HE KNOWS.

There is a reason JK gave him that look in the Dynamite shoot interview when he thought Tae was intentionally trying to expose him holding hands with Jimin behind Suga.

As much as these little things may be irritating to Kook, I don't think Tae gotta kiss his ass too. Jk can be messy sometimes with his Jikook agenda.

Of course they dynamic would change if Tae changed too- which is what Jimin and everyone says of Taehyung. He is very reserved and mature now. He is not the same childish, immature, reckless teen JK or Tuktukkers used to know.

He grew faster than either JK or JM had hoped and they both miss that part of him. Tae said he wished he could get a time machine and show Army the 'Chimchar' he was back in the day. The only way Taekook can be real is if we all hop into a time machine and go back in time to change the trajectory of events.

Tuktukkers need to let go of their old ship, that ship is dead and embrace the new ship brewing in its stead.

Jimin have said occasionally, that side of Tae pops out but he is very different from who he used to be when they were young. Which explains these outbursts of moments and interactions reminiscent of their past bond but that's all that is.

Why do these people insist on infantilizing Tae and holding him to his past?

That comment at GDA wasn't shade. But it was an inside Joke I feel. Like I said, when JK talks about their past history and bond, to me it's reference to a time period where Tae was on his side and was mischievous. To me it's code for 'I miss when you were less uptight and strict.'

He brought up when Tae gave them leeway and was lenient with their schedule during the making of Be- a sentiment all the members expressed in the Be behind video when they praised Tae for giving them much room in their schedules.

It was the same thing he said during his speech to Tae at GDA after bringing up the whole past bond thingy. He wanted to express appreciation to Tae perhaps because the loose schedule Tae had created had given him much time to go home and give his man a blowjob or go house shopping with him- who knows.

The way he kept looking at Jimin while saying that... yea. I'm going with that. Lol.

That loose schedule definitely put Tae in JK and JM's good graces.

My take away from that moment though, is- JK's agenda to give Tuktukkers hernia🤣

Lord I'm dying. I laughed so hard my ribs hurt. Pray for me. Lmho.

Chilee JK.

Dude is on a mission to run the entire Taekook gay, Taekook married propaganda campaign into the ground. What guts me is, he knows what Tae Kook is. I bet he went online after that Tae Kook Vlive to watch Tae Kook compilations. He's been on a mission to obliterate that ship since. Lol.

I mean I won't put it past him. Probably looked up Yoonmin while he was at it and showed Jimin analysis videos of him moaning in Suga's bedroom🤣🤣🤣🤣

Would explain why he was laughing when he saw Yoonmin in the comments during the VLive and why Jimin looked like he wanted to eat us alive. Lmho.

Oh Tae touched my peepee? You bloody moaned in Suga's bedroom how about we call it even?

ROTFL.

I joke but I mean, this is the same dude who took an online personality test after Tae read his results to him in Soop- he definitely watched those Tae Kook compilation-Y'all laugh else I'll shoot you. Lmho. I can't be the only one who finds this funny!

He knows what shipping is, he knows how statements like that would be construed by the fans- and the fact Jimin had spent an entire interview and behind scenes openly disavowing his glorified friendship connections... I smell a renewal of commitment somewhere.

Don't mind me. I play too much sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with Tae Kook's friendship. If anything, it seems JK feels very appreciative of Tae in recent times which is usually a good sign between them because for Vminkook to thrive they all need to make space for eachother and for the pairings amongst them to thrive- Vmin, Taekook and Jikook.

I hope this helps?

Signed,

GOLDY

my take on yueki's personalities

yue 

notes / personality

cocky (but also like understated confidence - r e g a l af) 

kind of a nerd

maybe a little entitled, and a little bratty and suki loves to indulge her or to rile her up depending on her mood

books

seems soft but made of steel

strong sense of duty

socially intelligent - can be manipulative and suki (the dork) thinks it is so hot 

aloof queen bee typa beat

supportive, both in ur day to day and in going after your big moral life goals 

deep water - steady and powerful, often underestimated

untold depths, private yet surprisingly nurturing - master of deflecting away from herself

political nerd - well read, and when she has someone she trusts not to take advantage of her, she goes OFF 

distrusting of most people, has been used and ignored and underestimated her whole life

patient - homegirl knows how to play the long game

excellent at pai sho / chess 

she and suki have epic battles of wits - dif types of strategy but both are really into it and get a little too competitive (multiple board games have had to be replaced over the years)

loves travel bc wasn’t allowed to much, esp when she was sick 

was super repressed growing up - never let her be herself or really have any sort of independence

used to sneak out and wander around in rebellion and casually sabotage plans and decisions she didn’t agree with 

introverted, many opinions but keeps them to herself, discreet but well spoken

weaponizes secrets and information - doesn’t often use it but...she could

definitlyyyyy worries and overthinks and re-evaluates - worries ab social politics a lot

obsessive about picking things - wants it to be perfect

shes growing into her confidence as a leader

prefers quite intimate places

incredibly romantic

classic lit

planner for the future - visionary

kind / sweet / gentle - yes, but that’s also her “front” to a degree (seriously, i feel like she gets painted as so sweet and submissive and one dimensional by the fandom a lot of times and it freakin kills me)

INFJ-T (The Advocate) ((yes this is from 16p which i know is not super accurate but u can still catch her overall vibes from it ya know)

Creative/insightful/principled/compassionate/altruistic

sensitive/reluctant to open up/perfectionist/prone to burnout/not a fan of the ordinary

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - puppy love crushes, laugh ab it now, get into deep late night talks about responsibilities and leading, water tribe culture, prank wars (no one believes sokka when he says yue is a mean prank master (expect suki comes to see it in action lol))

katara - <> badass women friendship, totally would go to matches and protests together, tough girl shit, waterbending practice/duels - start of cautious, but then get rough in a good way bc they trust each other, they do water tribe food adventures together

toph - indulges her chaos, bonding over stupid royal upbringings, odd yet weirdly endearing pair

zuko - both sort of standoffish gay royals, but once they come to see that they are friends - take up similar spaces though, so only hang out in a group or rarely by themselves, they do hang out at like political parties and stuff when they get more comfortable together

aang - <> he has an impressive world view, yue is super studied and well read, so she and aang nerd out over past cultures together, and also their peace keeping nature, they have tea together often - usually after she and katara wipe the floor w/ each other

clothing / aesthetic:

blues and pale colors

classy and understated wealth

like those cute feminine button down shirts

dresses

like cold weather classy

complicated braids

sort of soft girl aesthetic?

pleated skirts !!!

i feel like she would wear ethically sourced fur (i don’t wear fur but idk how to get it in an ethical way - maybe it’s just fake??)

knit sweaters and skinny jeans and heeled ankle boots

light academia !!!

hella funky earrings - to mark her native pride and also cuz gay

from my readings, tattoos have a lot of cultural significance for Inuit women, and so i feel like yue would totally have some (when she comes of age ofc) 

suki

notes / personality 

extroverted 

also very strategic 

more spontaneous tho - will totally calculate the odds in a spilt second in her head and then just go for it

like still a careful planner, but willing to say fuck it, yolo if it seems right 

reflects on her mistakes, but more in like a healthy way - unless it was a leadership mistake, then it eats her up inside - worries more ab keeping her girls safe and making the right call

likes lively places

total bashful romantic

manages the present and the short term - realist

loves to do lists 

a little punch happy - loves to make violent threats, but also does it out of excitement and she’s just a really physical person tbh

steady, can come off as stubborn and abrasive but she really just wants what’s best for everyone she loves

harsh on herself and worries about her girls a lot 

always ends up in the oddest situations 

totally would kick someone’s ass for being racist/sexist/homophobic/etc 

dedicated to her training and her regime 

not a great cook, but she can manage 

would drink monsters 

has a weird relationship with femininity - took her awhile to reconcile strength and toughness and being assertive and aggressive with also wanting to feel pretty and feminine and embracing being a girl and how those things can coincide and amplify each other

abandonment issues - parents absent/dead 

was imprisoned - obvi she had several almost successful escape attempts, but she got really close to breaking 

was incredibly independent really early, grew up really fast and tries to make up for that now by sometimes being reckless 

tough/assertive/woman of action 

dry sense of humor/sarcastic - not good at nickname/pun humor tho

practical/dedicated/strong-willed/direct/honest/reliable/loyal/patient

stubborn/judgmental/difficult to relax/difficulty expressing emotions/too selfless 

friendships / relationships

(<> indicates that they’re one of her best friends)

sokka - <>  man they’re like platonic soulmates - she beat him up, and now they spar all the time, totally funny and crack jokes all the time, go skating together, they do shitty art together, and then show their lovers after zuko and yue come back from their high society mixers, broke her out of prison, m/f friendship !!! 

katara - also sparring buddies (suki will throw down at any literally moment (and tbh so will katara)), not close but will hang in a group - go to each other for advice 

toph - <> listen these two wreak havoc together, they help each other out a lot, i feel like they’re shopping buddies (similar enough style to frequent the same shops) toph knows suki won’t judge her for wanting to feel pretty and suki knows toph will be honest, they are both blunt sarcastic assholes and get along like a house on fire 

zuko - <> shows zuko how to like,,,enjoy things (and how to let go of some of that pressure to be always right and the adult and in charge bc they were raised with so much responsibility on their shoulders even tho they were just kids)? she is also super protective of him (once she trusts him), one of the only ppl who can match suki fully in hand to hand combat, both do the Disappointed Parent Look when the group falls into chaos, but by themselves, the two of them end up in hijinks

aang- suki enjoys his optimism and they’re just chill bros, they love exploring abandoned placed together 

clothing / aesthetic

sporty and skater mixed 

ripped jeans, crewnecks, vans 

green and yellow and dark red 

gym clothes/athleisure - lifting style gym clothes - cut off t-shirts and bike shorts

skirts too, likes to play into femininity

she’s a gold jewelry kinda girl - but stuff that won’t hinder her movements 

necklaces that end in the hollow of her throat & occasionally rings

definitely cuffs all of her jeans (it’s just bisexual culture ya know)

so many crop tops - some came like that, some were more of a diy project

yueki’s relationship!!!

nerd/jock solidarity 

feel the burden of responsibility and the weight on their shoulders 

they create a safe space between them, full of trust and warmth and vulnerability 

yue will read suki sappy passages from poetry books while suki polishes her fans 

they slow dance in the kitchen a lot 

they get good at ordering takeout - and they have some weird decision making process that only they understand - bc neither of them are great cooks 

yue would feel jealous of suki and sokka, if it weren’t for how stupid in love sokka was with zuko and yue can see that suki really only has eyes for her 

yue is taller than suki and it amuses her to no end to pick suki up and carry her away from a fight (we all know suki could get away if she wanted to, but when ur hot tall sexy gf throws u over her shoulder,,,,,,u don’t complain)

joke they’ve adopted kataang and zukka, bc they’re all dummies, but in reality every last one of them is stupid LMAO 

they love to do each other’s hair and it’s like super intimate and really cute 

sometimes it’s these epic elaborate hairstyles and then at other times, they try to see how many ponytails they can fit on suki’s head and how many little braid yue can do 

they travel EVERYWHERE 

since yue is royalty and suki is her body guard,,,, well i mean, they totally have to see these kingdoms they are doing trade deals with in person 

it helps that they're friends with a lot of them 

they stay over in everything from camping so they can stargaze to ritzy hotels with hot tubs in the bathroom 

yue gives suki rocks she finds on all their travels and suki lines them up on their mantle around the pictures of them in increasingly weird locations 

suki loves guarding yue’s meetings bc she gets to watch her absolutely rip a new one into misogynistic old men and it never fails to bring her joy 

While yue doesn’t love getting attacked, the ruthless efficiency suki defends her with is like,,,,,stupid attractive 

Employee Benefits - Starker

Written for my lovely Crush Anon who requested trans!Peter as a go go dancer at a gay nightclub, feat. “daddy kink, praise kink, humiliation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, the good stuff !!!” 

Note: this fic uses the terms pussy and cunt to describe Peter’s junk as a trans man. I chose to use those terms because that’s what he was comfortable with as it plays into the humiliation kink, but it might not be for everyone and that’s okay. As a (mostly) cis writer, I tried really fucking hard to be as respectful as I could be about the trans experience, and make the humiliation more about Peter being desperate for Tony to fuck him than about his trans-ness.

-----------------------------------------------------

Peter was nervous about tonight.

It was his first shift at his new job, and anybody would be nervous on their first day, he reminded himself. It was normal, totally and completely normal.

Except for the fact that this wasn’t a normal job. Not in the least bit. He knew what he was getting himself into when he’d applied. But now that he was actually here, all dressed up and ready to go, he suddenly wondered if this was a bad life decision.

Go go dancer at a gay bar. What the hell was he thinking?

Sure, he and MJ had spent so many late nights practicing his moves, and Ned had lent him the money for his outfit, or at least what little clothing it comprised of. And they’d both lied their asses off to get Aunt May to believe he was safe with them, at an overnight astronomy club field trip. He was 18, so he was perfectly within his right to get a job dancing at this bar, but May would’ve thrown a fit and grounded him, so this was the best option he’d had. 

He shifted awkwardly in his outfit, a red leather chest harness that distracted from the binder he wore under it. At least he hoped it did. Ned had spent all his savings to help Peter order it online, and while Peter had insisted he’d pay him back by Christmas, they both knew there was no way he could afford to. 

He had tight blue shorts on as well, into which he’d securely tucked his packer, another gift from Ned with MJ’s help for his birthday last year. Peter glanced at himself in the mirror one last time before deciding there was nothing else he could do to get ready and would have to just go out and do the fucking job. This is what he’d willingly signed up for, after all. 

He took a deep breath and left the dressing room.

But now, as he stood there at the back of the stage, trembling, he wondered yet again what the fuck he was doing here. But something within him kept pushing him forward, made his legs keep moving until he came into the pulsing neon lights that lit up the club, the bass pounding and thrumming through his body, and with shaking hands he climbed into the cage that would be his work space for the next hour.

“We like to start the new guys out slow, so you’ll just be dancing for an hour at a time, with 30 minute breaks. We’ll see how that goes and then go from there,” the manager of the club had told him when offering him the job. An hour suddenly seemed like a lifetime now.

He let out a haltering breath, clicked the cage closed around him, and closed his eyes, feeling the music beat deep in his chest, connecting with it, letting his hips follow. 

This was the easy part, the part that made him want this so bad. It made him feel high, or drunk or something like that, he honestly didn’t know what either sensation was like, so he had to guess this was similar. Regardless, it felt so fucking good. Like his brain disconnected just enough from his body to be okay. He wasn’t Penis Parker when he danced, he wasn’t the kid at school that everyone gawked and laughed at, he wasn’t any of the shit they put him through. He was just Peter, vibing with the beat and letting his body talk for him. And he didn’t hate his body in those moments. He felt like himself, and that also felt so fucking good.

He opened his eyes, surveying the dark and crowded dance floor, and smiled. People were watching him, entranced by the way he moved, some were even copying him, trying to look cool. Some were significantly more successful than others.

One song blurred into another, faster and more erratic, and he began to let loose a little more, taking up more space in the small cage, grinding against the bars and feeling warm, sweaty hands grope him, desperate to touch him. And fuck, that felt good too. It made him dizzy, being so wanted and desired by these men. They saw him and couldn’t help themselves. And he wanted it just as much as them.

The hour passed in a flash, Peter lost in the music and the groping touch and the high of it all. He saw the light flash that signaled shift change and he begrudgingly let himself out, stopping to wink at a few of the more handsy clubbers on his way out and went back onto the main stage 

‘God, what a fucking trip’, he thought to himself. ‘I could get used to this.’

He stumbled backstage, suddenly so much more tired than he had realized, eager to sit down and take off his shoes. They hadn’t been hurting when he was dancing, but now he was so uncomfortably aware of the way they pinched his right pinkie toe and was desperate for reprieve.

The break went by quickly, shoes off, making sure to drink water and adjust himself in the bathroom, and then being whisked back on stage by the manager because he’d been such a hit that they wanted him back as soon as they could. 

This time, he stepped in with confidence, eyes locking on a gorgeous man with dark rumpled hair, olive skin, and a tight black tank shirt. His skin glistened, tight muscles in full display as he stared back at Peter.

Hungry. That was the look the man was giving him. 

Hunger. 

It made him shiver with need, and god, he wanted to be pressed up tight against this man’s hard sweaty chest, grinding and kissing and nipping at his neck. He kept staring, never letting himself lose sight of the man, dancing just for him this time.

Other hands ghosted across his skin, streaking him with glitter, but he didn’t pay them any mind. He had his sights set on one conquest, and he’d be damned if he lost tonight.

Peter didn’t really have experience with sex, but he didn’t intend to let that stop him. He knew what he liked, knew all the fucked up, degenerate things he craved, and he would be damned if his inexperience was going to hold him back tonight.

He danced out the rest of his second set, eyes locked on the man, daring him silently to come closer, but the man was playing his own wordless game. He never came close enough to touch, never seemed to pay mind to the hordes of man grasping for any skin contact they could get with Peter’s soft, creamy skin. 

He seemed almost… amused now. Like there was a joke only he was in on, and that only made Peter want him more. He wasn’t begging for Peter’s attention like these other men, he knew in no uncertain terms that he deserved it, and was going to get what he wanted. 

It made Peter need him all the more.

His second set finally ended, and as he was climbing out of the cage, pushing away clingy hands of strangers, he lost sight of the man. He’d turned his back for a minute and suddenly the man was gone.

Fuck. 

So much for that…

It was the end of his trial shift and he’d been hoping to sneak onto the dance floor to get up close and personal with the stranger, but try as he might, Peter couldn’t spot him anywhere.

He sighed and hurried back to the dressing room to peel off his sticky clothes and clean up. Tonight had been good, great even, but he was sad about the missed opportunity.

He walked into the dingy backstage room and blinked at the bright light, confused.

The man, the one he’d the past hour eye-fucking while he grinded mostly naked against metal cage bars was sitting there, looking calm and expectant. 

Peter blinked again, confused and speechless. The man smiled a half-cocked grin and extended a hand as if to shake. “I’m Tony. And you are?”

Peter just kept blinking. ‘Jesus’, he thought, ‘Say something!’

He stuttered out his name and felt a blush rising hot and fast to his cheeks. Why was this guy back here? No one but staff was supposed to be back here.

“Bucky didn’t tell me he’d hired a new kid, and I’m gonna have to give him extra hell for not telling me just how incredible you look up there.”

Peter cleared his throat, working up the courage to say, “It’s my first night.. I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Tony. I thought we just went over this?” he said, grinning again and leaning back in the dressing room chair Peter had used earlier.

“No, I know your name’s Tony, but why are you back here? Only staff is allowed, and I don’t want to get in trouble with the manager. He looks like he could kick my ass,” Peter said, finding the courage to square his shoulders and face this man head on.

“Calm down, geez. Bucky isn’t telling anyone shit apparently. I’m Tony, the owner of this bar. Bucky works for me, he’s the bar manager, and he oversees the scheduling and hiring when I’m away for business trips, but this is my bar, I can do whatever I want. And to be quite honest,” he said, looking Peter up and down slowly. “What I want to do right now is you.”

Peter felt like his brain had short circuited just a bit.

This gorgeous man wanted him. And not just in an across a crowded room way. He’d come back to proposition Peter. 

And fuck, did Peter want him. His body was aching and sore, but he wanted to do whatever this man asked of him, his need for this stranger overpowered any need for rest after hours of dancing on display.

Tony quirked his head to the side and added, ”Of course, if you’re not interested that’s perfectly fine, no harm no foul, welcome to the Iron Man team, we’re glad to have you and it’ll be strictly professional from here on out. But I get the sense that’s not what you want, is it?”

Peter shook his head no, maybe a little too eagerly, if Tony’s bark of a laugh was any indication.

Tony gestured to him to come closer, and Peter did, getting close enough to touch, but he refrained.

“I want you to kneel for me.”

And Peter did, falling to the ground wordlessly, entranced by the sheer power this man held over him with a look and a few simple words. He would do just about anything to feel Tony's touch, but that wasn’t the game they were playing, and he was more than happy to play this one out.

Tony stroked his cheek, gently, warm and sweet and never broke eye contact. Peter felt himself practically panting, needy and desperate for more.

“I’m probably twice your age, you know?” tony whispered

“I don’t care.”

“I’m old enough to be your father.”

“Well, I never knew my dad, so what does that matter?”

Tony grinned devilishly at that. “Daddy issues huh? I can most certainly work with that.” He unzipped his pants, pulling out his cock, and letting Peter stare doe-eyed at it in excitement. It was just as gorgeous as him, long and thick and just slightly curved up, cut and defined and glistening at the head with pre-cum. 

A wet dream come to life.

Peter’s mouth watered, he needed so badly to get his tongue on Tony's cock. Needed to taste and feel and suck and swallow. Needed to fuck him and let Tony have his way with him. Needed to be used.

Tony nodded, ever so slightly, and Peter took that as a sign to start, licking up the length of him gently, ever so gently, and smiled as Tony let out a deep groan. He’d never done this before, but he’d watched enough porn to know the basics. 

He knew it wasn’t the best head of Tony's life, but he didn’t care. He was sucking off a stranger on a dirty floor of a gay bar where he was now a gainfully employed go go dancer. Peter wasn’t going to waste a second worrying, he was too lost in the silky texture of Tony’s cock sliding in and out of his mouth, the way his hips thrust to meet Peter’s lips, the panting breaths Tony let out, the little moans of pleasure that encouraged him to keep going, let him know he was doing good.

“Ah, that’s it, such a dirty slut, on your knees for a man you just met. God, you’re gorgeous, lips wrapped around my cock. I wanna wreck you with it, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Tony asked.

Peter eagerly nodded, still too focused on licking the head of Tony's cock to properly reply, and Tony grabbed his chin sharply, pulling his face up to look up into his eyes.

“Such a cockslut. You can’t even focus enough to tell me that’s what you want. Bet I could lift you up and fuck you on this table right now and you’d be begging me to fill you. Is that what you want? Me to fuck you till you can’t take any more? Of course, I wouldn’t stop until I was done. I’d keep fucking your tight little hole, make you scream and cry. Do you want me to make you cry Peter?”

And Peter let out a moan ripped from somewhere deep in his chest. He’d never wanted anything more. He could feel himself dripping wet, his shorts were probably soaked through already. 

He needed Tony to pound into him until he came, screaming and crying and begging for more. He needed to be tony’s fuck toy, humiliated and used. His whole body ached with the need to be wrecked by Tony's huge cock. 

Tony saw the desperation in his eyes, the way his lip trembled, and suddenly lifted him up off the floor and onto the cluttered table top. Items clattered to the ground to make room for Peter’s slim body, but they didn’t pay attention to them, too caught up in kissing frantically, biting and sucking, Tony working his mouth down Peter’s neck, hard enough to leave bruises. It hurt so bad, but the minute he lifted his mouth from each spot, a wave of endorphins crashed through his body, like a high he’d never imagined before. He wanted tony to hurt him, keep hurting him enough to make him cry out, anything to keep feeling this fucking good.

Tony unceremoniously pulled down his shorts, packer and all, and stared in wide eyed hunger at Peter’s uncovered skin. 

He suddenly felt so shy, so self conscious. Humiliated. A searing flash of heat worked its way under his skin. No one had seen him like this. Peter didn’t even like to look at this part of himself, but the way Tony looked at him, like an animal ready to pounce, starving and greedy. He pushed those feelings aside. He needed tony to fuck him, needed tony to know how much he wanted him, how wet he got for him.

And Tony did touch him, rubbing his swollen wet clit, gentle circles at first, getting a feel for Peter's body, and then faster, harder, brutal and wonderful all at once. As soon as Tony knew Peter could take a little, he would go full force, overwhelming him with sensation. It made him shake with need. He needed Tony to stuff his cock into him.

Peter let out a whine, grinding hard against his hand, and Tony grasped onto his chin again, holding him  tight with the hand that wasn’t pumping away. 

“Daddy doesn’t like greedy boys, you understand? You'll take what you're given and be grateful for it. Cum sluts don’t get to set the pace. You’re mine right now, and I say when you can come, understand?”

Peter looked away, embarrassed to respond, and Tony clinched harder onto his chin, grip tight enough to bruise. At the same time, his fingers slipped into Peter, two, maybe three? Peter wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Tony filling his pussy up was the best goddamn feeling in the world, and he needed more.

He nodded feverishly, letting out a breathy “ Yes daddy,” and was rewarded with Tony's fingers curling up inside him, hitting a spot that made his vision blur a bit.

“Good boy, such an obedient little thing when you want to be. Daddy’s gonna train you so well. I’ll have you coming all over my hand on command soon enough. You’ll be begging to drink my cum after I'm through with you.”

And as he said that, he took out his fingers, held them up for Peter to see his own pre-cum dripping and glistening in strands between his fingers, and then he was thrusting himself deep into Peter's cunt, the head of his cock hitting deep inside him. He was going to be so sore tomorrow, and the thought of feeling a reminder of tony’s cock deep inside him tomorrow made  him shiver with excitement.

Tony pounded into him, a brutal pace that left him breathless. All the while, he bit and sucked bruises up Peter’s exposed collarbone, the waves of adrenaline hitting even harder with Tony buried deep inside him. He could feel it building, like waves of heat crashing over him. 

“Fuck, Tony, I’m gonna… I think I'm gonna…” 

“That’s it baby boy, come for daddy, want you to come all over my cock, wanna feel you tighten around me, you can do it, come for your daddy.”

And he did, clenching and wet and screaming out Tony's name. He hoped the pounding music from the dance floor was enough to drown out his yells as he came.

And then Tony was yelling along with him, spurting deep inside him, coating him with sticky wet cum, marking him, claiming him. 

They lay there for a minute, Tony's heavy body pressing him down hard against the top of the table, sweaty and panting and grinning at each other like fools. Tony leaned down to kiss him. Gently, ever so gently. A tender kiss that made Peter fall in love that much more.

As Tony pulled out, Peter could feel his cum squelching inside him, oozing out of his gaping hole, cooling as it trickled down, a messy reminder of what they’d just done.

Tony helped Peter up, helped him clean himself up as best as he could, and gave him another kiss, turning Peter’s bruised chin up to stare into his eyes.

“Tomorrow night I want you here an hour early for your shift. We’ve got some extra hands on training to do… understand?” Tony asked, and Peter early agreed.

He collected his stuff, only just now starting to wonder how the hell he was going to hide these bruises from aunt may. He’d just have to tell her he was staying the night at Ned’s tomorrow, and ask MJ to help him conceal them with makeup.

He was about to leave, still floaty and out of it on how good it felt to be fucked like that, when Tony called out, “Make sure to tell Buck thanks from me on the way out, will you?”

Peter stared back, confused.

“He’s been trying to find me a new boy for a while now, he must’ve taken one look at you and known how badly I’d want you.”

Peter flushed, pride and shame swirling into each other. 

“Don’t forget, an hour early tomorrow, and be ready to make daddy happy, understand?” he added, with a wink that made Peter wet all over again.

‘Not too bad for a first night on the job,’ he thought. He could certainly get used to these benefits.

The Music of What Happens Book Review

The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg Book Review 

I don’t think I like this book. 

I know that’s a strong statement right off the bat, but it’s mostly true. However, there was also something about it that I didn’t quite hate and, as usual, I will try my very best to put forth both the positives and the negatives of this read into some sort of subjective semblance of rationality. 

Now, firstly I’d like to thank @chapterhappy98​ for the recommendation. I love getting book recommendations (just not when people actually buy me books-see previous reviews) and this one seemed totally up my alley. 

For a novel I’d never heard of before it had a lot of components that excited me. An LGBTQ+ romance? I’m here for it. One of the main characters being half-Mexican and half-white? Love the representation. A cute plot centered around summer and food trucks? Yes, please. 

All the ingredients were there for a good book, but the way the book was written, the perspective of the characters, and the characters themselves made this a slog for me. On paper, this should have been lauded as a cute fluffy novel with some very deep feels, but instead I found it tedious, aggravating, and thankful that it was at least short. 

The positives are everything I mentioned above. The plot itself is cute. Food truck summer romance is not a plot I’ve read before, but it's original enough to be intriguing and cute enough to be endearing. High quality fanfiction fodder right here. 

Although the representation could have been better, it was sufficient. I enjoyed the fact that Max’s mother was Mexican while his father was a whiter-than-toast comedian from Indiana. Both Max and Jordan have friends who are white and friends who are not and I enjoyed that Konigsberg portrayed the distinct friend groups as such and that moments of race do come up. 

For example, like when Jordan suggests they steal prickly pears from people’s yards and Max shuts it down before the idea can even coalesce because a white boy stealing pears from yards is a hooligan move, a Mexican kid stealing pears from yards is a crime. 

Small introspective moments like this were very interesting and added a layer of reality to the novel that I appreciated. On this same route, both Max and Jordan, our two main characters with revolving perspectives, are going through some deep trauma and while it wasn’t amazingly handled, I did appreciate moments towards the end where Konigsberg actually has the characters face what they are going through and take appropriate routes to fix them or start the healing process (acceptance, counseling, etc). 

By no means did I think the book handled sensitive topics such as rape, addiction, bullying, and self-esteem issues well, but at the very least, most of the issues were adequately addressed and on the right path towards healing and rehabilitation which is more than I can say for some other novels. 

Now, for the negatives. Buckle up, people. 

First off, the writing. 

I found it abhorrent. I don't know if this is just Konigsberg’s style of writing, but it did not vibe with me at all. I found his writing and dialogue superfluous, cheesy, and gag-inducing. 

To me, this is not how real people talk, think, or interact, but instead a grown ass man’s idea of how teenagers think, talk, and interact. It made me truly wonder if Konigsberg has actually ever met a teenager in his life. 

As a high school teacher, I interact with teenagers on a daily basis. I know how they talk and interact, and through their journals and papers, I can generally grasp at least a preview into how they think. 

It’s like Konigsberg took every adolescent stereotype that exists and stuffed it onto his pages with mediocre words and subpar humor. The Music of What Happens is a pantomime of the teenage experience and I found it extremely irritating. 

Secondly, the perspectives of both Jordan and Max are maddening and irksome, although Jordan more so I have to admit. Both of these characters suffer from what I call “Woe is Me” syndrome. This is the idea that making a character have a sad or tragic backstory or circumstances also makes them deep and complex. 

This is so far from the truth it hurts. 

Trauma and tragedies are not simply fodder to build a cheap and easy way for a character or a plot to build depth. It should be handled with care, with consequences, and with other characteristics built in that are reasonable and befitting of the whole character. Both Max and Jordan were almost laughably tragic. 

Max’s parents split up, and while his mom Rosa is the MVP of the book, his dad is nothing more than a useless caricature of the absentee father, so much so that when Max admits to his sexual assault his dad does nothing, but makes a joke and talks about a stand-up routine he has coming up. 

Jordan is much, much worse. This boy is the most self-deprecating, pitying thing I have ever read.

 (Spoilers ahead for the novel and Jordan’s circumstances). 

His friends who he calls his “wives” (cue eye roll) bully him, his mother is a gambling addict with bipolar disorder, he believes he killed his father by giving him a heart attack on his sick bed, and he’s about to be homeless unless he can make money from his dad’s old food truck and save his mortgage. 

It’s absolutely ridiculous. 

I’m not trying to make light of these issues, but the way Konigsberg handled these characters went like this: “Hmmmm how can I make interesting teenagers? I know! Let’s make everything in their life miserable. Yes, that will make readers care!”

In case you were wondering, no, it didn’t work. 

Just because Jordan and Max are tragic characters did not mean I cared for them or even liked them. If the idea was to build complexity and sympathy that absolutely failed. If anything, I felt frustrated by the circumstances, vexed by the way both boys handled their issues, and galled at how the surrounding world allowed it to happen. 

In addition, going back to the idea that Konigsberg has never met a single teenager in his life, both Max and Jordan fell into such archetypal teenage tropes that I felt my teeth rotting. 

They fell in love after hanging out twice, their reasons for liking each other were abysmal and perfunctory, and if anything, the only reason I actually saw these two working in any way was simply because they were both the only other gay person they knew, which is not even an adequate component. 

The romance felt strained and uncomfortable and the “dates” they went on made me laugh with absurdity. Picking up stuffed animals at midnight to put them at the front of the zoo? Who does that? I didn’t find it charming, I didn’t find it unique, and I didn’t find it cute. 

I found it odd and unrealistic. 

Which, at the end of the day, is what irked me about this book the most: it was unrealistic. 

You might say: “Typedwriter! That’s unfair! You read about vampires and fairies and all sorts of fantasy creatures and worlds!”

You’re right, I do. But fantasy and unrealism are not synonyms. Fantasy I love. Even within fantasy worlds there needs to be rules and order. There are still expectations and realistic behaviors and laws that govern fictional creatures and lands. 

For a novel that is supposed to depict real life and real teenagers The Music of What Happens edges on the side of surreal for me. Surreal is also fine if that is the targeted result. 

In Konigsberg’s case, however, I don’t believe that was the intention. I got the feeling that Konigsberg wanted this to be a real and deep portrayal of love and adolescence and instead I found it ludicrous and nonsensical. 

Everything about this book bordered on nonsensical. Two boys running a food truck without any knowledge or prior experience and ending up making thousands of dollars? Okayyyyy, sure. Jordan’s mother’s behavior, gambling addiction, and speech? Preposterous. The way Max and Jordan talked to each other and their friends? Almost like a robot’s depiction of how they think humans communicate. 

At the end of the day, this book’s unrealistic look at life, love, relationships, trauma, and consequences ruined it for me. It’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve ever read, but most of this book was just a mindless jumble of words that didn’t form a proper connection to me as a reader. 

As listed above, not everything was horrible and I’m not trying to make it out like it was, but for the most part, I didn’t enjoy this book as I stated from the beginning. 

As always, this is just my opinion. I still love that it was recommended and I mean no harm to anyone who does love this book. Perhaps if I was a young teenager I would have connected more with the self-deprecating monologues and pity parties. Perhaps if I wasn't so skeptical I could actually believe two sixteen-year olds could pull off a food truck success, but alas I’m not and I couldn’t. 

If this book brought out tender feelings and emotions for you, however, I am glad because isn’t that why we read? 

Unfortunately, this was not the case for me for The Music of What Happens. 

Recommendation: Unrealistic everything made this book toiling drudgery for me. Take the idea of a cute summer romance on a food truck, apply it to your favorite fandom and OTP for a Valentine's Day prompt, and then happily move on with your life without having the need to pick up The Music of What Happens. 

Score: 3/10

Survey #436

from a couple days ago again; still don’t feel like rewriting any answers.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower? A hell of a lot; I love doing that. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yup. But I don't like hard alcohol and only really drink light fruity stuff, and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I got to the point I just really didn't want to drink anymore. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I have felt very, very hopeless with photography lately that sometimes I'm tempted. I don't think I will, but... it's hard. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a favorite quote? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No, but I have thought about it. I just really don't have nearly enough popularity among the local photographers to feel like I really need to design one. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? YES. I loved it. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? ... no lmao Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I actually have more than once. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? I think a turkey? Are you good at coming up with jokes? God no. Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? When I used to ride home with Jason from school, we always sat way in the back. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No. I did when I was younger, though. I went through a loooong phase of sleeping with my iPod. If your parents... or anybody else... found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in your inbox/outbox? No. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? That's very rude. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Anti-vaccination bullshit from my stepmother. :^) Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? No. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We never did. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. What food disgusts you the most? Things like sashimi and caviar. I also think rare meat like steak, especially when it's still bloody, is absolutely disgusting. I could go on and on about this, 'cuz I think a lot of food is really gross. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? The jungle. Yikes. So many dangerous creatures, so claustrophobic, and with the canopy, I'd assume it'd be EXTREMELY dark. And it rains so much in the jungle, so it'd be hard to hear danger approaching. One thing that always creeps you out? Perhaps #1 is seeing an unborn baby move from outside their mother's stomach. I will fucking scream and want to puke. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? SARA!!!!!!!!! Omfg I'd LOVE to have her as my roommate. We've actually talked about the possibility, but that's nowhere near set in stone. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? In light of recent events, a high contender is shit like "vaccines cause autism." Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? I'd strongly prefer to be cremated. What is your favorite food around the holidays? Spiral honey ham, for one. I love Christmas treats like chocolate-covered peanuts, fudge, cookies, etc. etc... Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled? I don't pull pranks. If you could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast? Maybe enchanting the human population to not be such violent and hateful fucks??? Have you ever gotten a flu vaccination? Only for Covid. Double dates: a do or don’t? They are SO fun, but I do feel like it's good to have individual ones, too. Do you know any guitarists? Yes. My old friend Tommy actually plays the electric guitar in a band, and Juan was really good at it, too. How do you feel about full-length beards? They look good on some people. It varies with everyone. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? Not currently. My half-sister stopped talking to me many years ago when I was a homophobic fuck, and I don't blame her. We're perfectly cool now! Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? omg no Does/did your high school have pop machines? Yes. Have you ever gambled? Nah. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I am NEVER working retail again. I can't handle it. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. :') Have you ever stringed green beans before? Yes, actually, with Colleen's in-laws. They had a big garden that I helped tend to sometimes. I absolutely hated it with how sweaty I got even then, it was WAY too hot, and my body was also weak back then to where bending down was extremely painful. I just never wanted to say no. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? It really depends on what I feel like doing, but I think playing World of Warcraft tempts me most often when I'm unbearably bored. What did you watch today? I've just been rewatching Mortem3r play Monster Hunter World. That game looks soooo fun, I wanna try it. ;-; True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever? No. I adore dinosaurs and dinosaur media, so I could name a lot if I thought long enough. Who is the last person you spent money on? My niece. I still feel awful I didn't buy Ryder a gift by myself; I just could NOT decide what to get him. I'm very thankful that Mom let me use one she got him as "mine." They were bright, light-up golf balls, and he loooooved them. What is your relationship like with various members of your family? I have a biiig extended family, man, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, like there is no way I'd be alive without her, and her support for me seems endless somehow. I love my dad very much too, but I don't see him nearly as much as I wish I did. He tries to support me however he's capable, and he always lets me know that he's there if I need him for anything. I love, am very proud of, and look up to my two sisters, but I'm also very envious of them and how they are successful adults with direction and big accomplishments. We are very different, so we have difficulty with really bonding and talking about things regularly, and it really makes me feel like a terrible sister. My nieces and nephew are absolute diamonds to me, and I'm especially close to Ash's oldest daughter Aubree. She and I are very similar in a lot of areas, so I really relate to her, even in her young age. Ryder really seems to like me, and I love that little rascal, too. :') My youngest niece Emerson is still only a baby, so she can't really communicate in words yet, but she is still a beautiful darling that I'd protect with my life in not even a blink. That covers who I consider my "immediate" family, really, at least that I see regularly. What’s something you disagree with about the way you were raised? I am very firmly against spanking, but my parents did it. I think since Ash's kids were born though, Mom's opinion changed on it. It was around that time, I know. She won't lay a hand on them. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I have no clue, actually. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? *shrug* The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Never tried. What countries have you been to? I've never left the U.S. Honestly, is that car insured? I don't have my own car. What do you think about gay marriage? I vigorously support it. Do you like Carrie Underwood? I actually do. She has a beautiful voice. How far away do you live from your parents? I live with my mom. Idk how far I am from Dad, really... but not THAT far. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, and I don't want to. It is absolute vandalism. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Chicago blew me away, but I think it's just because it was SO foreign to me. I actually don't like cities very much, but for a brief visit, I thought it was very cool. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No. I took anti-depressants for I think most of my life, and they did nothing for me. Come to learn from the doctor who actually set my meds straight that anti-depressants for people with bipolarity do nothing but aggravate the symptoms of bipolarity, and I was living evidence. I take mood stabilizers for said disorder instead. I don't take sleeping pills; none seem to work for me. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Maybe Skippy? Idk, I'm not very picky with pb. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos one. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. Do you like Bob Marley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't stand his voice. Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Yeah, but I'm not a fan. Buffets gross me out. Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family? We very rarely sit at the table. Have you been working hard to achieve something lately? If not, what was the last thing you worked hard to achieve? Losing weight, yes. I am honestly trying so hard at the gym, like to the point I've almost fallen many times as well as been overtaken by incredible nausea a lot. I don't feel like I'm over-working, necessarily, just working my ass off. Do you use ice cubes in your fountain drinks? No, because it waters the drink down and I hate it. Would you ever want your very own library, or do you not read enough for it to be worth it? No. I don't read nearly enough, and besides, can you imagine all the dust? What site did you originally start doing surveys on? I actually don't know... Have you ever used something other than water to make ice cubes? What did you do with them? I've actually never thought to do that. Would you ever willingly experience life temporarily without sight, hearing, or any of your other senses, simply to know what it is like? Fuck no. I would go insane. In what ways are you very judgmental? I'll judge the fuck out of rapists, child molesters, pedophiles, people like that with no goddamn shame. But your average person, I try not to judge very much. What is your main problem in life right now? It's hard to determine my main problem, honestly. There are a lot of issues going on in my life that've just piled up into one big tangled mess. Do your “favourites” change often? Definitely not. I've had the same favorites in so many topics for forever. Have you ever read a biography on someone? I've read Ozzy's autobiography, and I also read the Some Kind of Monster Metallica book, which was written by I want to say St. Anger's musical director? This was a very long time ago, and honestly, I thought it was pretty boring, so my memory is faint. You learned quite a bit about the band in his time with them, but damn, I don't care about the musical director al;skdfal;we. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Not to my knowledge. I have an acquaintance who's had minor acting roles, but I don't believe she's ever been in a film. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? I want to say around two years ago (probably less) when we got my cat neutered. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No.