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lilacmingi · 3 months

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TRADING CARDS & CHOCOLATE FROGS

My works are 14+ ONLY. If you’re under 14 DO NOT interact with me or any of my works

Pairing: Ravenclaw!Yeosang x Ravenclaw!fem reader

Word count: 4,379

Note: Brief cameo from my pookie Dojoon from The Rose <3 Reminder that this is an imagine from my Wattpad from 2023 so there will not be extra parts or continuations

It was a relatively cool day at Hogwarts, the sun covered by the array of light gray clouds hanging in the sky. The weather was just right, a refreshing temperature that wasn't too hot or too cold. You and your good friend, and housemate, Yeosang were sat on the grass outside, taking a few minutes to rest before your next class.

"Check out what I got." You pulled out a couple chocolate frogs from your bag.

Yeosang let out a tiny gasp.

"Here." You handed one over to him. "I got an extra for you. I know how much you love them."

His soft brown eyes lit up as he took the sweet treat from you.

"Thank you so much." He beamed, opening up the packaging. "I wonder which Famous Witches and Wizards card I'll get this time. I haven't gotten Carlotta Pinkstone or Bertie Bott yet."

Yeosang loved collecting the cards inside chocolate frogs, it was one of his hobbies and he had been doing it for as long as you'd known him. There are 101 cards in total and he's almost obtained every single one. The ones he already collected had been put in a folio magi for safe keeping. That book was one of his most prized possessions.

You watched as he removed the candy and the card from the package, keeping his eyes closed.

"Y/n, you look first."

"I got it so you could look and see which card you got."

"I know, but I'm nervous." He whined.

"Alright fine. I'll take a peek."

Ever so slowly, you removed the card from the packaging, revealing a moving photo of Morgan le Fay.

"Can I look?" Yeosang asked.

"Yes you can look."

He nervously peeled open one eye, taking a peek at the card in your hand, a frown tugging at his lips.

"Morgan le Fay." He murmured disappointedly. "I've got three of her cards already."

"You'll collect them all one day, I'm sure of it." You encouraged, giving him a pat on his shoulder.

"I hope so." He commented, taking a bite of chocolate.

You started unwrapping your candy, removing the trading card inside and flipping it to reveal Devlin Whitehorn. You let out a disappointed murmur, catching Yeosang's attention. His eyes darted down to the card in your hand as he frowned—another one he already had.

"It would have been cool if I got one of the last two cards you need." You commented, turning to him.

"Yeah." He sighed.

A soft chuckle bubbled up in your throat as you caught sight of chocolate smudged on the corners of Yeosang's mouth, the sight almost too endearing to handle.

"What?"

"You're a messy eater. Did you know that?" You chortled, pulling out a small package of tissues.

Yeosang's eyes widened a bit in realization, but before he could clean his mouth you were doing it for him, gently holding his chin between your fingers as you wiped the tissue over his lips. He blinked a few times, his heart fluttering as he stared up at you in a daze, which you didn't seem to notice.

"There." You smiled softly, pulling away.

He almost grabbed your wrist and tugged you back to him, but pushed the urge aside for the sake of his dignity.

After moving back to your spot on the grass, you started eating your chocolate frog, hoping the sugar would give you enough energy to make it through your remaining classes.

"I hope I can collect all of the Famous Witches and Wizards cards. Only then will my life be complete."

You chuckled. "What will you do then? Find another hobby?"

He hummed thoughtfully. "Maybe."

A few minutes passed and you let out a sigh.

"We should probably start heading to transfiguration class. Don't wanna be late."

Yeosang's bottom lip stuck out in a pout. "That class is hard."

"Not if you get the pronunciation of the incantation and wand movements right it's not."

"I don't feel like it."

"Me neither, but we need our wizard education. Let's go." You stood up with a small grunt, grabbing Yeosang's hand and pulling him to his feet.

He decided to be silly and slumped over on you, his upper half going limp. You wrapped your arm around his slim waist in order to help keep him upright as you moved sluggishly across the quad.

"Yeosang." You chuckled. "This isn't the time."

He started fake crying, making overly-exaggerated sobbing sounds as you heaved him towards the school unable to hold back your laughter at his show of dramatics.

At some point, he decided to drop his act, getting off you and making his way to class.

"You make such a big deal about it but transfiguration class is fun. Being able to change the appearance of someone or something is so cool. I could turn you into a frog if I wanted to."

"Not before I turn you into one first!" He teased, poking your side as he made frog noises.

You flinched away from his attacks, laughing as you did so, telling him to stop even though you were enjoying every moment of it.

Your playful banter with him earned the both of you a hard glare from one of the teachers monitoring the halls, causing the two of you to cease your antics, muttering apologies only to hold back chuckles once you'd moved further on down the hall.

Once in class the both of you took your seats at a table on the right side of the room in the middle of the row. One thing you loved about Hogwarts was that most desks in the classrooms seated two people so you were able to sit with Yeosang in every class.

"Alright everyone. Today we'll be diving deeper into human transfiguration. You might remember me speaking briefly about it the last time we convened. However, you must be careful. Human transfiguration requires the utmost focus. It's all about precision and pronunciation."

Your teacher explained the importance of getting everything absolutely perfect and shared a story about a student who once had bunny ears for a week because he messed up the incantation.

"That's awful." Murmured Yeosang.

"I don't know." You hummed. "I think you'd look adorable with a pair of fluffy Maltese ears on your head."

"Maltese?" He scoffed. "More like Doberman."

"You wish." You chuckled.

"Even the smallest mistake can have a big effect." The teacher continued. "Any transfiguration takes focus but especially human transfiguration. It's incredibly difficult and if you want to master it you must concentrate. No goofing around."

You were excited to learn human transfiguration, it's something you've been looking forward to since you first started attending Hogwarts.

"You hear that, Y/n? No goofing around."

You rolled your eyes at Yeosang's playful jab, knowing he meant nothing by it, you were both well-behaved in class.

"You're one to talk." You shot back with a grin.

The weekend had rolled around and you decided to take another trip to Hogsmeade so you could stop by Honeydukes and get some sweets for you and Yeosang. Unfortunately, your friend and house prefect, Dojoon, wanted to tag along, so you were stuck with him for the day. He was older than you, but no one would ever guess based on his youthful personality.

"I can't believe you're a prefect." You chuckled at the thought of Dojoon of all people becoming someone who helps keep students in line.

"Why? You don't think I fit the part?"

"Not at all."

"Come on, Y/n."

"I saw you try and drink butter beer with your nose once."

He laughed at the memory. "Surprisingly it doesn't burn as bad as you think."

You rolled your eyes, suppressing a smile.

The both of you arrived at Honeydukes shortly, stepping into the sweets shop making a beeline for the chocolate frogs. Every time you stopped by the candy store you bought some for yourself as well as Yeosang, hoping that he would one day complete his collection of cards. You always enjoyed seeing the way his face lit up when he opened them and the way his eyes sparkled with anticipation. Sometimes he would even go on rambles about the witch or wizard on the card, telling you what they had done and why they were famous. You always listened, admiring his soothing voice and slight lisp. His reactions always made your heart swell with adoration, further fueling your crush on him.

Perusing the variety of sweets and other goodies, you grabbed some sugared butterfly wings, Drooble's best blowing gum, and chocoballs before making your way over to the chocolate frogs, grabbing six of them.

"Jeez, Y/n. You stocking up or something?" Dojoon asked from over your shoulder.

"No. I'm buying for a friend too."

"Ah. It wouldn't happen to be Kang Yeosang, would it?"

Your body tensed but you did your best to hide it, masking the shocked expression that almost broke out on your face.

"No."

"You can't hide anything from me, Y/n. It's my duty to watch over the students in our house and I see you and Yeosang spending lots of time together in the common room."

You chewed on your bottom lip as your facade slowly started to crumble.

"And if I am buying stuff for Yeosang?"

Dojoon suppressed a laugh. "That's cute. Do you like him?"

"I'm not answering that."

"You don't have to." He grinned knowingly.

Busted.

You merely sighed, moving over to another display looking over the sweets on the shelves. As expected, Dojoon was right behind you.

"So, when are you going to ask him out?"

Your head snapped towards him, surprised by his forward question.

"Never."

His mouth hung open as he let out a scoff, almost looking offended. "Why not?"

"Because I don't know if he feels that way about me."

Dojoon rolled his eyes. "That's so typical."

"Why do you act as if it's a bad thing? That's how most crushes go. They're either one-sided or the feeling is mutual but both people are oblivious to each other's feelings."

"You can still be unaware even if there's chemistry and obvious flirting, especially if both people are affectionate with each other."

"Well, not in my case."

"Really? You haven't noticed Yeosang getting all starry-eyed around you? Maybe you've seen him blush?"

"Not that I can recall. Then again, I'm not very good at noticing things like that."

"So you're the oblivious one." He noted.

You scoffed in response. "I am not."

"You definitely are."

"What if he's oblivious, hm?" You countered.

Dojoon raised a brow.

Wait. You hadn't thought about it before. What if he does like you and you're both blissfully unaware.

"I don't have time for this." You muttered, stepping away from him to finish browsing the candy store.

Afterwards, Dojoon wanted to stop and get some school supplies from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, mentioning something about needing ink and more parchment. You opted to sit outside on a bench and wait for him to get whatever he needed, assuming he would be in and out in no time.

You were wrong.

Dojoon was taking far too long in the writing supply shop and you were starving. He had been in there for at least 35 minutes and you wondered what kind of person looks at parchment and ink for 35 minutes. Your eyes peered into the bag from Honeydukes eyeing the many boxes of chocolate frogs inside, your foot tapping the ground in contemplation. Finally, you reached inside and pulled one out, opening the packaging without paying much attention, more focused on satiating your hunger as you began snacking on the sweet chocolate treat.

You let out a sigh, resting against the bench you currently occupied as your mind drifted towards food wondering what you were in the mood for.

Your gaze just so happened to move down to the empty chocolate frog box in your hands gasping when you saw the card sitting in the bottom.

Bertie Bott.

That was one of the two cards Yeosang needed to complete his collection.

About that time, Dojoon stepped out of the stationery shop with a large paper bag in his hand.

"I got it!" You exclaimed excitedly, jumping up and down as you waved the card. "Yeosang's gonna be so happy!"

"What's going on?" Dojoon asked watching you bounce around.

Originally you'd planned to scold him for taking so long and leaving you to starve, but that didn't matter anymore because you'd found one of the cards Yeosang needed which meant he was one step closer to completing his collection.

"I have to get it to him as soon as we get back."

"Ah." A knowing grin appeared on Dojoon's face as he pieced everything together. "That's why you were buying so many chocolate frogs. You wanna make sure your boyfriend completes his card collection."

"Wh— he's not my boyfriend." You argued feeling your cheeks get warm.

"You want him to be."

Your mouth opened to say something but closed immediately. You didn't know what to say to that because it was the truth, but before Dojoon could tease you about it you smacked his arm.

"You left me out here for 35 minutes! Who looks at parchment for that long?"

"Me." He responded, rubbing his arm. "I was trying to choose between beige and ochre."

"They're both brown!" You exploded.

"There's a difference, trust me."

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose.

"Look, I'll pay for lunch to make up for it. How's that?"

Your eyes lit up at the offer. "You will?”

"Why not?"

"Let's get going, then. I'm starving."

After a delicious (and free) meal, you and Dojoon headed back to Hogwarts where you both returned to the Ravenclaw dorms, spotting Yeosang lounging on the couch as soon as you stepped inside. He looked so cozy in a large sweater, his lengthly, black hair in its natural state and partially hanging in his face. Dojoon shot you a smirk before excusing himself and heading to the boys dorm.

"Y/n. You're back." Yeosang smiled. "Did you enjoy your trip to Hogsmeade?"

"I did and I have something for you."

You took a seat by him on the couch, trying your best to hold back the smile threatening to break out on your face.

"Should I close my eyes?" He asked, expecting you to give him a chocolate frog.

"Yes."

He did as he was told, holding his hands out, palms up as he waited. Reaching into your Honeydukes bag, you pulled out the card of Bertie Bott and placed it into Yeosang's open hands.

"Alright, you can look now."

As soon as his eyes opened he gasped, turning to you with a shocked expression.

"I know it's probably better when you're the one finding the card but—"

"How did you get this?" He asked quietly, his large eyes trained on the card.

"Luck, I guess."

"You didn't take any Liquid Luck by chance, did you?"

"No." You shook your head. "Dojoon was taking too long in Scrivenshaft's and we had just left Honeydukes so I had a chocolate frog as a snack and to my surprise, that card was sitting in the bottom of the box."

"This is... wow." He breathed out.

He only needed one more card now.

"I'm sorry if you wanted to find it yourself."

"No!" He cut in right as you finished your sentence. "This means a lot to me."

Yes it was a small gesture that may seem meaningless to anyone else, but to Yeosang it meant the world. You supporting his hobby and saving this card to give to him made his heart soar, his feelings for you only growing. Just when Yeosang thinks he can't fall for you any more than he already has, you prove him wrong.

"Thank you." He held the card to his chest.

You gave him a gentle smile. "You're welcome."

"Just one more." He murmured, looking at the moving image on the card.

"Just one more." You echoed with a hopeful grin.

You lounged under a tree just outside the school, using your robes as a makeshift blanket, gazing out at the lake below the towering castle. You and Yeosang were supposed to be in potions class, but someone in the previous group mixed the wrong thing and caused an accident, so class was cancelled.

Yeosang laid on your lap, his dark, lengthy locks splayed out around his head, the sun's rays seeping in through the foliage of the tree you sat under, its leaves casting shadows on his striking features. His eyes were closed, lashes resting delicately on his cheeks as his chest moved up and down with each serene breath he took. Your gaze moved along his face, landing on the birthmark that decorated his upper cheekbone. His head was turned to the side, giving you a perfect view of the unique mark, your fingers unconsciously moving up to touch it. He flinched slightly and turned to look up at you.

"Sorry." You murmured.

Normally you wouldn't be so bold, but something about that moment made you feel comfortable enough to speak your mind without worrying about his reaction.

"It's pretty."

Yeosang's eyes widened a bit as he gazed up at you, visibly swallowing as a light pink hue dusted his cheeks and the tops of his ears.

"You didn't cover it up today." You noted.

"I was running a bit late for class and didn't have time to do it."

"I think you should leave it uncovered."

"Really?"

"Mhm." You hummed. "It's beautiful and unique."

The pink on Yeosang's cheeks deepened at your sweet compliments, his eyes unable to stay locked with yours for too long.

You dug around in your bag, pulling out the box of chocoballs you purchased a few days prior, opening the packaging and popping one in your mouth before offering one to Yeosang.

"Chocoball?" You asked, holding over over his lips.

He was quick to open his mouth, allowing you to feed the sweet treat to him.

"I got lots of extra chocolate frogs at Honeydukes the other day. You wanna see if you get lucky?" You asked.

"Sure."

He sat up while you rummaged through your bag, pulling out all five boxes, laying them out for Yeosang.

"Take your pick."

His hand hovered over the blue boxes as he tried to make his choice, finally settling on the third one. He picked the box up and opened it before removing the chocolate and taking a peek inside, his shoulders drooping.

"Helga Hufflepuff." He murmured dully.

"That's alright. We still have four left." You assured him.

"You open the next one. You seem to be the lucky one."

"Alright." You shrugged, reaching forward and taking a box, opening it and taking the candy out, snacking on it while looking inside the packaging.

Daisy Dodderidge.

You showed it to Yeosang who sighed.

"I have three of her cards already."

"Try another one."

He grabbed one of the three remaining boxes and opened it.

Glanmore Peakes.

"Darn."

"Not Carlotta I'm guessing?"

"Nope." He sighed.

"My turn."

Yeosang munched on his second chocolate frog, looking discouraged as you reached for one of the last two boxes.

"You know, you could trade someone for the last card you need." You mentioned.

"No." Yeosang shook his head. "I want to complete the set just by collecting them from the boxes. No trading."

"Wow. That's commitment."

You almost didn't finish your sentence because of Yeosang, noticing smudges of chocolate at the corners of his mouth.

"Yeo, you made a mess again." You chuckled.

"Oh." He quickly shielded his mouth with his hand as he licked away the sweet substance, his ears turning pink.

"So cute." You murmured quietly under your breath assuming he didn't hear you.

He did.

You opened up the box and removed the candy so you could see the card in the bottom.

"Glover Hipworth." You read.

"Another duplicate." He deflated slightly only to sit upright afterward. "Oh! You know he invented the Pepperup Potion that cures the common cold."

"Really?"

Yeosang nodded happily.

You flipped the card over and read the information on the back, which was exactly as Yeosang said. You found his knowledge on the witches and wizards depicted on the cards to be very endearing. Not only was he a collector, but a person who enjoyed learning about the people whose cards he amassed.

"One more." You pointed out.

Yeosang let out a long breath. "Yep."

He opened up the last box and took out the chocolate, his eyes refusing to look inside. You watched anxiously from your spot on the grass beside him, waiting for him to peer into the package. Then slowly, his eyes moved down widening immediately.

He hurriedly reached inside to pull it out.

"Carlotta Pinkstone." He murmured in disbelief.

"No way."

"Yes way."

"No way!" You repeated, jumping to your feet.

"Yes." He nodded, getting up and proceeding to jump up and down. "Yes!"

His melodic laughter was like music to your ears, the bright smile on his face and the way his eyes shimmered made your heart melt.

"I finally did it!" He exclaimed with joyful chuckles.

You both embraced each other excitedly jumping in a circle in celebration.

"You did it! I can't believe it!"

It wasn't until the excitement wore off that you realized how close the both of you were and how you were pressed against Yeosang's firm chest, the closeness making your heart race. He seemed to realize it too as his eyes seemed to widen, but neither of you moved.

"You know, I wouldn't have gotten this card if you weren't nice enough to buy extra candy to share with me." He mentioned.

"You would have gotten it eventually I'm sure."

"Yeah, but who knows how long it would have been."

"Right."

You were responding to Yeosang, but your eyes kept drifting to his lips, entranced by them as your mind wandered.

Yeosang seemed to notice this as his cheeks began to get warm. Did you want to kiss him? He started going back and forth with himself, wondering if he was reading the situation correctly or if his feelings for you were making him not think clearly.

Before he could overanalyze any longer he decided to be bold and go for what he wanted, choosing to take a risk. And maybe it was the adrenaline from finally collecting his last Famous Witches and Wizards card, maybe not, but whatever it was pushed Yeosang to finally do what he always wanted to do.

He closed the space between your faces and pressed his lips against yours, you let out a small noise against his mouth out of surprise but was quick to melt into the kiss. Your arms wrapped tighter around Yeosang's shoulders as you leaned into him, one of your hands moving to cup the back of his neck to pull him closer, your fingers curling at the nape of his neck, running them through the long strands of hair, your seemingly small actions making him hum lowly against your lips.

He began lowering you to the ground lying you down gently in the grass, never parting from you and never slowing down. In fact, his kisses became more heated and almost desperate. Never would you have imagined you'd be doing this. Kissing Yeosang seemed like a unattainable dream—a fantasy, yet here you are lying under him on the grass as he practically devours you.

Your hands clutched onto his shoulders grabbing fistfuls of his school sweater vest. He kept making small noises against your mouth sending a wave of butterflies through your stomach.

To your dismay, Yeosang parted ways with you a few moments later, his lips pink and puffy from the intense kiss, his half-lidded eyes gazing down at you.

"I like you so much, Y/n." Yeosang breathed, lovingly stroking your cheek with his thumb.

His confession made your heart leap with joy. Yeosang liked you.

"I like you too."

As soon as the words passed your lips you realized Dojoon was right. You were the oblivious one. Yeosang liked you this whole time and you had no idea. Only now that he was looking down at you with eyes full of adoration did you realize he'd looked at you like that so many times before and you were none the wiser.

"So, does this make us a thing?" You asked.

Yeosang raised an amused brow. "What kind of thing?"

He knew what you were getting to, but he wanted you to say it.

"Boyfriend and girlfriend." You uttered sheepishly.

You could see that all too familiar tiny smile on Yeosang's face, the one where he's clearly trying to hold back a much bigger grin.

"I guess it's official, then." He said.

The smile on your own face quickly dropped.

"Wait." You paused, looking around. "Where's your card?"

Yeosang's eyes widened as he realized he didn't have it in his hand anymore, frantically searching the area, spotting the card just a couple feet away in the grass.

"Ah." He scrambled to grab Carlotta Pinkstone's card from the ground. He must have dropped it during your makeout session. "I'd better put this somewhere safe until I can put it in my folio magi." He huffed out a nervous laugh.

"Here, I'll put it in the side pocket of my bag until we get back to the dormitory."

"Good idea."

Once the card was in a safe place, you settled back in your spot at the base of the tree, Yeosang resting his head in your lap once again. Your hand cupped his cheek, gazing down fondly at him as your heart swelled with adoration. Finally you could call Yeosang yours. Not just your friend, but your boyfriend. He took your hand that rested on his cheek and brought it to his lips, pressing a long kiss to your knuckles.

"We're going to have to head back to the school in a few minutes for our next class." You reminded him.

"I know." He sighed, closing his eyes. "Let's just stay here like this for a little while longer."

Hongjoong ⟡ Seonghwa ⟡ Yunho ⟡ San ⟡ Mingi ⟡ Wooyoung ⟡ Jongho

Note 2.0: Fun fact, when I was originally writing this I searched a list of famous witches and wizards. While researching, I read that Glanmore Peakes was a famous slayer of the Sea Serpent of Cromer 👀 So of course I had to choose him as one of the cards Yeosang pulled haha

Masterlist ᝰ — enjoyed this imagine? reblogs & comments are very much appreciated!

DO NOT steal, plagiarize, copy, repost, alter, or translate my works in any way

🏷 @h3arteyes4mingi @weird-bookworm @poppy2007 @parkjennykim @evidive @mxlly143 @lizzymizzy-blogg @minhanbyeol @dinossaurz @laylasbunbunny

#yeosang x reader #yeosang x you #yeosang x y/n #kang yeosang x reader #kang yeosang x you #kang yeosang x y/n #ateez hogwarts au #ateez imagines #ateez oneshot #ateez scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop oneshots #kpop scenarios

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briar-rolfes-research-oubliette · 3 months

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ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it��s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

#how do I tag this. probs not in the official tag right #Murtagh: Don’t Read It!!!#DONT READ IT #I can’t believe how much money Christopher Paolini is worth… I also can’t believe he managed to father two children #man doesn’t know what women children OR sex are. how did he manage to solve that equation twice over

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