#this weekend was like … the best of times and the worst of times LMAO i’m glad it’s over ngl
Note
Hi Bee🐝 I hope you’re having a nice weekend❣️
I had a Joel fic idea I wanted to send you in case you are looking for inspo? If not just ignore this lmao.
I thought it would be kind of cute to have a fic where r likes to read even after the world went to hell and whenever she goes with Joel somewhere and he luckily finds a book he knows she hasn’t read he picks it up for her as a gift😭 and r reads out loud for them when they’re camping, oblivious to Joel’s feelings until one day he gives r a book she mentioned she loved when she was younger and she’s like oh, you feel the same way 😭
AN | I love this, this is so soft and I love this concept! I hope you like it too 🥰
Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader
Warnings | None
Word Count | 3k
Masterlist | Joel, Main
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"Always buried in a book," his tease was accompanied by a warm chuckle as you looked up and found Joel strolling into the makeshift library. Your smile was beaming as you marked your page and set the book down to give him your full attention, "what are you readin' now?"
"Nothing terribly exciting," you confessed with a huff, nodding in the direction of your latest selection, "the Hobbit. I think I've read it a dozen times by now. As a matter of fact I think I've read all of these books at least twice."
"Hard to expand a library when people aren't writing anymore," Joel rubbed at his beard thoughtfully as you nodded sadly, "its a shame."
"I never thought I'd see the day when I couldn't go to the bookstore or library for a new book," you looked away, blinking back your tears. It wasn't just the book thing - it was everything, "but here we are. I like to write my own stories sometimes but it's not the same. I already know the beginning, middle, and end and all the plot twists when it's all in my head."
He hummed in understanding as you felt him study you intently. Your face warmed up under his intense gaze as tugged at a loose thread on the sleeve of your sweater, “is there a reason you read the same thing multiple times?”
“I’ve always read a lot,” you tucked your legs up and under yourself on the overstuffed chair. You focused on the fire that was crackling away merrily, knowing that you had his undivided attention, “it was always a good form of escapism when I was younger and turns out it also works these days with all of…this. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, I always had a hard time fitting in. When things got bad, there was always a book to turn to.”
“Did you have a favorite?” you huffed in amusement as you turned to him with a no duh expression. The look on your face made him laugh as well, and he reached over to give your shoulder a gentle squeeze, “what was it?”
“You’re going to laugh…”
“I promise I won’t,” he insisted, accompanied by a silent shake of his shoulders which led you to raise your eyebrows at him, “I’ll do my best not to.”
“A true man of honor,” you rested your chin in your hand as you looked over at him, “prideandprejudice.”
“Come again?” he was teasing you, the question filled with tender affection, “didn’t quite catch that, sweetheart.”
“You’re the worst,” you groaned softly, hiding your face in your hands, “you heard me loud and clear - Pride and Prejudice. I know it’s silly but I’ve just always loved it.”
“I don’t think that’s silly at all,” he promised as you relaxed slightly. It wasn’t that you needed his approval or hoped he felt the same way, but there was something about his response and how tenderly he watched you that it made your tummy explode with butterflies, “it’s nice to have something familiar to hang onto - it’s nice to have a friend.”
“I agree,” oh. He really had to stop looking at you like that before you melted into a puddle on the floor, “I haven’t read it in forever.”
“Haven’t found a copy or just haven’t had the desire to read it?”
“Haven’t found it,” you sighed dramatically, before smiling back at him, “maybe one day I will, and if I do, I’m going to make you read it as well - I’ll even read it out loud for you.”
“Is that a promise or a threat?”
“Umm…I dunno,” you mused as he shook his head fondly, “both? Which one is worse?”
“I don’t think I’d ever feel threatened by you,” he began as you gave him a mock-hurt little expression, “you’re very tough, but I’m sorry sweetheart, you’re too soft. Which isn’t a bad thing. So, tell you what, you ever get your hands on a copy of Pride and Prejudice, I’d love to have you read it out loud for me.”
“Yeah?” you looked at him with soft doe eyes that made his heart constrict.
“Promise.”
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Joel liked your smile; it was pretty, even if you shied away from it at times. It always worked to make his heart constrict with emotion, and he’d long formed his own little plan to make you smile as often as he could. You weren’t privy to that just yet, but that was okay. As long as you were happy that was all that mattered.
His favorite way, as he’d found after that afternoon in the library, was surprising you with a new book. Realistically, it wasn’t much, but it was the meaning behind the gesture, and the fact that even though he was out in the big, bad outside, he was thinking about you.
Book after book he found for you, some almost new, perfectly preserved in time, and some already aged and loved before everything fell apart. But it never mattered, it was all about the face that he did just for you. The old, rickety bookcase in your small apartment was soon filled with new titles, some you’d already and others you’d never even heard of, all lovingly placed and organized. One of the many reasons you didn’t mind these small tokens of affection from Joel was the fact that it gave you more reasons to spend time with him.
As the months passed, you got to know Joel more and more, learning about his life from before the Outbreak to present. You shared just as much with him and in a way it felt like the two of you had always been friends, like two wandering souls that had found their way back to each other. You never would have thought that someone like him would ever even want to spend time with you, but you fit together like perfect puzzle pieces.
On this particular evening you found yourself in his backyard, along with Ellie and a few other friends that you’d made in Jackson. Some moonshine had been passed around, and lots of exciting stories had been exchanged. You were listening to everyone, mostly staying more on the quiet side when you realized you didn’t have much to contribute to the current conversation at hand.
“What about you?” Joel was sitting on your side and leaned into your space, gently nudging your leg with his. You blinked a few times, tearing your attention away from the fire and turning it to him with a confused look on your face, “what’s your best camping story?”
“Oh,” you grinned sheepishly as you looked around the circle and found nothing but friendly faces looking back at you. Your cheeks warmed up as you shrugged innocently, “I’ve never actually been camping. So I wouldn’t know….unfortunately.”
“What?” Joel seemed surprised but quickly caught himself and slipped into the soft tone that he often adopted for you, “I knew there had to be something wrong with you - there had to be a flaw somewhere.”
“And never having been camping is my flaw?” you teased right back, unaware of the knowing smiles that were being exchanged all around.
“That’s right,” he insisted, leaning in even closer, causing your heart to skip a few beats, “but don’t worry, there will still be time to fix that.”
“What a gentleman,” you down the rest of your drink, shaking your head in amusement.
“Would you look at the time…” Ellie almost jumped out of her seat, pointedly looking around the circle and motioning with her head that it was time to leave, “it’s late and we’re all tired, so we’re gonna…go.”
“All of you at once?” Joel raised an eyebrow as he looked at the girl, knowing better than anything by this point. She nodded with narrowed eyes as everyone said their goodbyes, leaving just the two of you. Joel let out a long sigh as he leaned back in his chair and smiled at you, “very subtle.”
Your mind started to reel with possibilities as to what he meant. You knew what you wanted him to mean, but you also weren’t about to flatter yourself like that. Joel wouldn’t ever like you as more than a friend, right? Right.
The way you looked at him with such wide, gentle eyes made him want to pull you into his lap and kiss you until there was no mistaking what he was saying. The two of you stared at each other for a few moments before you cleared your throat softly.
"I guess I should get going too," you whispered, still unmoving, "it's late."
As soon as you stood up but before you could go, you felt his fingers wrap around your wrist as he gently held you back.
You turned around to face him, neither of you speaking, just studying each other. He had lovely eyes, soft despite all the years of hardness, his lips pulled into a soft smile.
Before you could stop yourself with too much logic, you leaned in and kissed him. You wondered if it was all a huge mistake, but to your surprise, he kissed you right back. His hands found purchase on your waist and yours on his shoulders as you let him kiss you
Until you came to your senses and realized what you were doing. You gasped in surprise and pulled back, looking at him worriedly as Joel dropped his hands from your waist. You blinked back the tears that had immediately threatened to well up, panicking that you had crossed any remaining boundaries that either of you had remaining.
"I-I am so sorry," you whispered, touching your lips without thinking about it, "I have to go. I'm sorry."
You were gone before Joel could even process what had just happened.
When he did, he hung his head and sighed heavily. He hoped he hadn't just fucked everything up.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
In the following week, you weren’t actively trying to avoid Joel…but you were definitely making sure you weren’t around whenever he was. You just had no idea how to broach the subject or if it even needed to be discussed. The idea of going up to him and saying anything made you want to curl up and wither away - it might have been dramatic but you were willing to allow yourself a little bit of theatrics.
But…you realized later on, Joel hadn’t fought off your advances. He’d actively kissed you back, and taken control. Maybe he’d wanted it just as much as you had. Or, or, you’d taken advantage of him, because you’d both been drinking. That made it all worse, and made your stomach churn.
Either way, your plan was to avoid him - if not forever - for as long as you could.
Unfortunately, Joel was a stubborn man and wasn’t about to let you go without any explanations. And you weren’t exactly particularly sneaky; he found you in your usual spot, perched on the window seat with a book open in your lap as you stared out the window.
“Hey,” you startled at the sound of his voice, but turned to him with a shy smile. He approached you slowly, almost as if he was afraid that he was going to scare you off like some sort of wild animal, “figured you’d be here.”
“Well,” you waved your hands around dismally before tucked your book away, “I’m not exactly hard to find if you know me. I’m a creature of habit.”
“Ain’t nothing wrong with that,” he came over and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his broad chest, “I have a surprise for you.”
“O-oh, Joel,” you swallowed thickly and wondered what on earth he could possibly be referring to, “I-I don’t need anything…seriously.”
“I didn’t get you anything technically,” ah. Joel and his little technicalities, “more of a ‘we’re doing this,’ type of thing.”
“And what is it that we’re doing?”
“Camping,” he stated with a grin as you just blinked at him in shock.
“Pardon?”
“We - you, Ellie, and I - are going camping,” he stated again as if that would clear everything up, “just a little something I’ve been planning since you’ve been avoiding me.”
“I-I have not been avoiding you,” a lie. You both knew that much, “just…busy.”
“Whatever the reason,” he insisted, “we’re goin’ camping. We’re leaving bright and early in the morning so make sure your things are packed.”
“Joel-”
“We’ll be ‘round at eight,” he gave your leg a gentle pat before heading out, not letting you get a word in edgewise. This man.
You watched him go, feeling so alive and nervous at the same time, but more importantly, you were excited to go.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
As it turned out, camping was a lot more fun than you thought it would be. You were pretty sure a lot of it had to do with your present company. Ellie and Joel were always fun to be around and this was no exception.
Joel had scouted out a remote but safe location near a river where you made camp. There was something rewarding about putting up your own tent and making a fire to cook your dinner on. It was definitely a welcome change; it almost made it seem like the world had never fallen apart.
One particular evening, Ellie had crashed early and was already in the tent sleeping. That felt you and Joel outside sitting next to the fire. When the conversation hit a natural lull, Joel stood up and walked over to his backpack. You watched him curiously, a smile dancing on your face.
"Close your eyes," he called back to you. You playfully closed your eyes and put your hands over him. He chuckled as he pulled something out of the pack before zipping it closed.
He made his way back over to you, gently placing something in your lap. You made a small sound of surprise but didn't dare to open your eyes. Instead, you waited for him to give you the go ahead.
He sat back down next to you, groaning slightly at his stiff bones. You felt him pull your hands away from your eyes, "alright, you can go ahead and open your eyes."
"Joel, you really didn't need to get me anything!" You gasped as you looked at the object in your lap, trying to hide back a squeal of delight, "Joel. This is amazing."
"You like it?" He asked, nervous as he watched you inspect the small object.
"Pride and Prejudice," you opened the cover and flicked through some of the gold leafed pages. It was still in impeccable condition, "oh my god, I can't believe you found this - you remembered."
“‘course I did,” any nerves he had remaining quickly dissipated when he saw the look of pure joy on your face, “I remember a lot of things.”
“I mentioned it like one time,” you flipped through some of the pages, touching your fingers over the worn but love pages, “I can’t…this is wonderful, a-and so kind. Thank you so much, Joel.”
“You mentioned how much you used to like it,” oh no. He felt like he could melt into a puddle at how sweet you were, “and I wanted you to have it again. So I’ve been keeping my eye out for it.”
“You’ve been looking for it?” alright, you were about ready to cry at that point. He nodded, trying to make it seem like less of a big deal than it actually was, “you’re amazing. I can’t…this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.”
“It’s not that big of a thing-”
“It’s everything,” you clutched the book to your chest, “this means everything to me.”
“You mean everything to me,” his voice was gentle. You gasp inwardly at the revelation, “I thought it was only fitting.”
You moved closer to him on the log, shifting your body so you could face him. Your eyes locked onto his; he could see the hesitation on your face and in your body language. He decided to answer your silent question by putting his hand on your face, brushing his thumb over your cheek.
Joel leaned in and kissed you, so quickly and delicately that you were almost convinced you might have imagined it. Judging from the expression on his face, you knew that it had definitely happened. You hadn’t just dreamed it last time - he wanted this too. You leaned into him and pressed a few more kisses to his lips, the two of you lingered but neither of you pushing.
“There’s something I have to ask you,” he tucked a few stray locks of hair behind your hair as you felt your face grow warm again. The effect he had on you was palpable.
“Anything.”
“Will you read to me?” the way the smile on your face was intoxicating and Joel was hooked, “I’ve never read Pride and Prejudice.”
“Shocker,” you teased softly, “are you sure though?”
“Positive,” he promised as he took your hand and led you over to the nest of warm blankets that were near the fire, “nothing would make me happier.”
“Okay,” you made yourself comfortable and pulled out the book, “get comfy and let’s get started.”
“Okay.”
#joel miller#joel miller x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller x fem!reader#joel miller one shot#joel miller imagine#pedro pascal#tlou#tlou hbo
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dear devoted delicate {xavier thorpe}
xavier thorpe x reader
requested: by my beloved julie @websterss <3
words: 2.2k
a/n: the reader is an outcast of an unknown type, but not a werewolf. i love werewolves, but because of some of the setup, it's gotta be a non-werewolf reader. also i went a little off-prompt but it's still the same in essence, and all the important bits are included, just shuffled up a little. oh and yes the title is a line from the song older, but i used it mostly because dear is a sweet petname, and butterflies have delicate wings. i think i'm clever. oh and if you're new here, i hate writing dialogue and it shows in this
also if you want to see some really cool drawings of poisonous plants, send me an ask (please) because one of my favourite things ever are vintage botanical drawings (this will make sense in a minute dw)
warnings: n/a. just some sweetness. there is swearing though so idk if that counts as a warning
pronouns: she/her (maybe she/they? i can't remember if i threw in a 'they' lmao)
Once a month - sometimes twice if you were incredibly unlucky - you were kicked out of your room for two days while your roommate had a handful of her younger cousins over.
Before Nevermore, you loved the full moon. Now you had a love-hate relationship. You still loved the moon itself, but you never enjoyed showing up at your friend’s dorm, backpack over your shoulder and sleeping bag tucked under your arm, sheepishly asking if you could once again sleep on their floor. You could, in theory, go back to your room to sleep as your roommate and cousins wouldn’t be there, instead transformed into wolves and galavanting around the woods. But in your second month at Nevermore, you did that, and woke up to a room full of the less-than-dressed human werewolves, some of whom had chosen your bed to curl up on, with you still in it. Never again.
Full moons on the weekend were the worst. With no classes to occupy your time, you often found yourself moving from place to place around campus to find somewhere you could hide out before getting bored and moving on.
Xavier watched as you jogged past the archery field, headphones in and running shoes muddied. It wasn’t unusual to see you go past during club practice, though you tended to avoid it after a downpour. He’d asked you about it once, after seeing you in the library one rainy Saturday afternoon.
“My room already smells like wet dog at the best of times, I’m not going to add to that.” Your voice was light with humour; you adored Sofi and she always made sure to not bring in any smells with her. But the comment stuck with Xavier and the next time you were sat next to each other in Torture through History, he sketched out a wolf before moving his hand to bring it out of the page. You giggled quietly as the ashen wolf shook itself, small flecks mimicking water coming off, then curled up next to your hand. You had smiled down at it fondly as it fell asleep before dissolving into charcoal dust, leaving a light smudge on your hand. Xavier watched you and pretended not to notice the warmth that came to his face as you looked up at him, the fond look still in your eyes.
“Xavier, are you going to take your shot? Or you just going to keep staring at ‘em?” He shot up a middle finger over his shoulder before turning to follow its movement to see his club mates smirking over at him.
After ducking into Ash’s room to change into more comfortable clothes, you make your way down to the library. Ash was generally the most reliable for having space on their floor for you to crash, the thin roll-out mattress a permanent feature in the beanbag corner of the dorm.
On your way, you detour to your room to kick your muddy runners under your bed, though not before making an ‘I’m watching you’ motion toward a curled-up Sofi with a smile.
It wasn’t uncommon for couples to be hidden away in the library, especially not on an overcast weekend. But the Grimmstone library was the only library on campus that held an original copy of an 1800s toxic botany encyclopaedia.
After a few false turns with quick apologies to the interrupted couples, you finally found the right - and luckily empty - aisle. With your forefinger running gently along the worn spines, you made your way down the rows of books, glancing at the names of authors until you found the one you were looking for.
After carefully sliding the hardcover book off the shelf - nearly dropping it as the loose plastic dust cover slipped - you sat down at one of the desks lining the centre of the room and began flicking through. You flicked the book to the back, finger running down the yellowed page until you reached the name you were looking for: aconitum.
----
“Big scary werewolf and you’re afraid of a little butterfly?” You laughed as you wandered into Plant Toxicology with Sofi.
“It flew right into my face!” She waved her free hand in front of her, mimicking the butterfly’s movements.
“And you squealed!” As you laughed, Sofi gently hip-checked you, nudging you toward your usual desk, before laughing with a shake of her head and walking toward her own. You nodded hello to Yoko as you sat beside her.
“Alight, class. Group paper time.” The sounds of groans and heads hitting tables bounced around the room. “I know, I know. Now, rows one and three, turn around and give a little wave to your partner.”
----
You were hours early to meet your study buddy, but it was a non-issue. The time alone allowed you to make meticulous notes on the plant before worrying about formatting them into a presentable paper.
The notes you made were messy, quick dot points from the encyclopaedia that could make into a decent assessment. The paper was only short anyway, the first report of the semester that was more of a benchmark than a large percentage of your grade.
Headphones in, it wasn’t long until you found yourself with your feet up on the seat and book resting open on your thighs, reaching around your bent knees to occasionally take notes.
You were in the middle of triple-checking the spelling of a latin nomenclature when a flit of grey out the corner of your eye caught your attention. But as you turned your head to see what it was, all you could see was another couple darting down an aisle, whispering to each other. You shook your head with an amused exhale before turning back to your note-taking.
Just as you leaned forward to take a note, you saw the grey again. But this time, instead of a moment at the side of your vision, the grey moved in front of you just long enough to make out the shape of a butterfly before it landed on the tip of your nose.
Cross-eyed to stare at the charcoal insect, you pulled out the headphones slowly, trying not to disturb it. You knew it wasn’t real, recognising the trademark sketch lines of Xavier’s art.
Another pair of butterflies began to flutter in front of you, bouncing off of each other with tiny plumes of dust. You let out a small giggle and the bug on your nose darted away, flying right into the other two where all three of them exploded into a shower of dark powder onto the desk. Once the last of the dust landed, you turned quickly to look over your shoulders, dropping your feet to the floor, trying to find the artist.
You met Xavier’s eye as he folded his sketchbook closed in his right hand. His head was tilted with a smile as he made his way toward you, backpack slung over his shoulder.
“Howdy, howdy partner.” You wriggled your fingers to wave as he pulled out the chair beside you, dropping down and letting his bag fall to the floor. As he did, you noticed that Xavier’s pulled-back hair was a messy damp, the kind that comes with being caught in the rain.
“Started the fun without me.” He gestured lazily to your notebook and the two thick library books in front of you (at some point during your research you wandered back to the shelf and found a second book with information on the deadly plant).
“Wanted to make you jealous, of course.” You shot him a wink with a small giggle, turning back to your book just in time to miss the tips of Xavier’s ears go pink. “The butterflies were definitely a welcome distraction though,” you thanked, turning in your chair to face him fully, “I felt like I was going cross-eyed staring at these pages.”
“I’m happy to distract.” Xavier sent you a dopey smile and raised one hand to flatten down flyaways, and you bit the inside of your lip while ignoring the warmth that grew on your face. In your attempt to break eye-contact and hopefully get rid of the blush, your gaze flicked down to his mouth and caught him licking his lips.
Almost in sync, you and Xavier looked away from each other and as you looked over at the textbook, you heard him clear his throat.
“Okay, so,” Xavier broke the silence after a moment, “what have you got so far?”
You quickly delved into giving him a rundown of the notes you had made so far, explaining ideas you had come up with for it. However, you made a point of not looking up at him. It was a little awkward at times, where you would catch yourself beginning to look at him but quickly found a drawing of the purple flower far too important to not look over at.
Neither of you noticed that the sun had set until the howls of classmates made their way from this distance, the sound causing both of you to turn and look out the window.
“Shit, I didn’t realise how late it had gotten.” During the week, there was an 8pm curfew, but over the weekend library hours were extended and they were a little more lenient with the time you had to be back at your dorm giving you until midnight to be back. There was just one downside to being in the library late.
“Oh my god we missed dinner.” Xavier sounded devastated at the realisation, and you looked over to see him with the back of his hand pressed dramatically to his forehead.
“You hungry?” It wasn’t long past dinnertime, but because of the routine that came with living at Nevermore, you knew the answer would be yes. “I may or may not have some snacks hidden in my dorm.” He perked up, and though he would never tell, he was more than a little excited to be spending more time alone with you.
---
Xavier sat awkwardly on your bed as you kicked off your shoes and began to pull a box out from under your bed. Pushing some heavy clothing out of the way, you pulled out a bag of chips and a couple of packets of sweets.
“It’s not really a dinner, but it’s food.” You showed him the food you had stashed, offering it weakly. Xavier scooched himself onto the floor, patting the space beside him and you sat yourself down cross-legged.
As Xavier pulled open the chip bag, you sent Ash a message saying you might be over late, but would try to be as quiet as possible. They sent back a thumbs up, and you shoved away your phone just in time for the chips to be held out in front of you.
Between the sweets and bag of chips, you and Xavier managed to talk about anything that came to mind as time quickly moved by. During your time, both of you got more relaxed, losing any vague semblance of good posture and leaned against the side of your bed. And maybe closer to each other, but only maybe.
Xavier pulled his sketchbook out of his backpack and leaned forward, listening to you talk as he drew. He hid his sketchbook from you as you tried leaning over him, giggling into his ear as you did.
You let your body flop onto the ground beside him, staring up leaning on your hand as he readjusted how he was sitting to keep hiding what he was drawing from you. Then he tucked his pencil behind his ear and held his hand above the page.
Lifting up with a rain of dust, a dozen small butterflies began to flit around your room. They bounced off each other, spinning in circles as they danced.
Much like the interruption of howls earlier in the evening, you are brought back into reality by the buzzing of your phone against the hardwood floor.
“I don’t mean to stop you from whatever you’re doing,” Ash skipped the greeting as you answer the call, “but if you’re sleeping here tonight you might want to think about showing up soon.”
“Hello to you too.” Sitting up properly, you watched Xavier as he turned on his phone screen and showed you the time, and you widened your eyes. “Oh fuck. Okay, thanks, Ash. Be there soon.” Xavier stood first, offering you a hand to pull you up which you happily took pretending not to notice the way he squeezed your hand shortly when you stood.
“I can walk you over if you want.” You were already shaking your head at the offer, knowing that you would be cutting it thin getting to Ash’s dorm and Xavier’s dorm house was in the opposite direction.
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want to be the reason you get in trouble.” He held the door open for you, leaning on the outer frame. As he pulled it shut his arm brushed your side.
There was a beat of silence as neither of you wanted to move. Although you had spent the night hanging out, the softness in that moment was different and not something you wanted to break.
Steeling yourself for a moment, you darted forward and kissed Xavier on the cheek, turning and beginning to walk away before you could see how he reacted.
Xavier watched as you moved quickly away, his cheeks and ears pink, He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times trying to figure out how to react. Once you disappeared around the corner, he let out a breath and sheepishly smiled to himself.
comments and reblogs are appreciated! as are asks about the fic!
rambles, feel free to ignore: this fic isn't… okay so i hold myself to very high standards which is a problem with my brain and things, and i need to stop doing that because i end up giving up on things that aren't perfect instead of appreciating that i have made something and it's mine and from my brain. again, a problem i need to sort out. but all this being said!! by my self-imposed standards this isn't amazing, and really i'm posting it as a "here! it's done! take it before i take it back and destroy it!" and that's only happening because it was a request from a mutual.
tl;dr: these rambles are more to say that i like this fic, and i'm happy enough with it, but my standards are so high that i don't think it's good enough. which is a common thing with creatives and just know that what you make is good because it's yours and you made it, and that's all that matters!
#char rambles#char writes#xavier thorpe x reader#xavier thorpe x you#xavier thorpe x y/n#reader insert fic#xavier thorpe fanfic#xavier thorpe oneshot#xavier thorpe blurb#char's mutuals#˚:✧｡• julie#xavier thorpe reader insert
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Downfall (pt 2/2)
See? I didn’t lie, part 2 is here and it’s only...11:00PM Sunday night lol. Wow guys, this part got long (like 3.5k words long. Oops.) and *sappy*. But, you know what I love about snz fic? We always give the people what they want. You see a smoking gun in act 1 you best believe it’s going off in act 3. Lmao. Also, I’m sorry if there’s continuity/grammar/spelling errors, I’ll read it through again in the morning and fix them I just can’t do it tonight haha.
Anyway! Hope you guys like the second part.
cw: Male, colds, contagion, mess, there is a passing-out moment in here as well. Shit gets wild lol. This part is heavily inspired by 3 prompts in my inbox, so if you sent a prompt it’s probably featured here!
Downfall - Pt 2
When Elijah opened his eyes Friday morning, he nearly cried in relief; after three full days of feeling like death, he finally, finally felt like he was on the other side of this shit.
The past two days had been a nightmare. After Greyson had called him Tuesday night and told him that not one but two other managers had gone down, Elijah had to mentally prepare himself for a full week of work with one of the worst colds he’d ever endured. He’d walked into the kitchen Wednesday morning stuffed to the gills with dayquil, cough syrup, and ibuprofen; a combination he was sure was actively taking years off of his life. Greyson was already hard at work, despite the fact that Elijah knew he’d been at the restaurant until well after midnight the night before.
“He lives!” Greyson said, throwing his arms up as though Elijah had just scored the winning goal for their nonexistent soccer team. “You look god-awful, and I’m so glad you’re here!”
Elijah coughed out a laugh, and Greyson lead them both into the office. “So, here’s the deal,” Greyson said as they both sat. “I told both Matt and Mark to stay home til Saturday – just to make sure they don’t infect anyone else. I closed the books at 50 covers tonight and tomorrow – and I know, it’s barely enough to cover labor, but we’re in survival mode here, so don’t give me that look. I got in at six, most of my prep for the evening is done, so I figured when we open I can throw on a button down and help on the floor while you expo back here during the rush. Does that all work for you?”
The GM blinked, blindsided. He knew Greyson was good in a shit situation, but damn; the kid should’ve been a fighter pilot or an ER doctor. “Yeah,” Elijah said, “sounds great, Grey.”
So that’s what they’d done. Both Wednesday and Thursday. Elijah had holed up in the office until the servers needed him for preshift, and Greyson had prepared his cooks for two weird nights of Elijah expoing. Service had been moderately slow both evenings, which would’ve been great, if it hadn’t allowed Elijah to hyper-focus on his lingering symptoms and Greyson to flit and fret over him every time he stepped into the kitchen.
“Do you need anything, Lij? Water? Tea? Meds?” The constant stream of mother-henning had eventually worn on everyone, and even Greyson’s cooks had finally said, “Chef, he’s fine.”
But they had gotten through it. Elijah had sneezed and coughed and cursed his way through garnishing dishes, and Greyson had awkwardly talked to tables until finally the week was nearly over. And now it was Friday, one day til the big wedding, and Elijah was finally, finally feeling better.
Elijah walked in at 9AM to a thankfully-empty kitchen; he’d told Greyson the night before to sleep in, prepare himself for the weekend, take some Emergen-C and be absolutely sure he wasn’t going to succumb to the rot Elijah had brought in, but he was surprised that the chef had actually listened to him. The GM placed his things down in their empty office and took a breath; it was going to be okay. Mark and Matt would be back for the wedding, they would be relatively slow tonight, and Saturday would be perfect. Manifest it, Lij, he said to himself, sitting at the desk and turning the computer on. Manifest it.
After an hour or so of paperwork, Elijah heard the back doors open as Greyson let himself in. The GM pushed away from the computer and cracked his neck, anticipating the usual barrage of word vomit Greyson was wont to spew out the moment he walked into the restaurant. “Morning, Chef,” he called out before even seeing Greyson, marveling at how much clearer his voice was today. Fuck that fucking cold.
Greyson stepped into the office and silently saluted his boss, a Starbucks cup adorning each of his hands. “Hey, boss,” he said, placing one in front of Elijah and one next to his own computer. The chef didn’t sit down; instead, he took off his hoodie, grabbed a clean coat from the back of his chair, and buttoned it up before snagging his drink and heading into the kitchen. Elijah swung himself around in his chair, dumbstruck.
“That’s it?” he asked, watching Greyson unpack his knives a few feet away. “‘Hey, boss’? No big gameplan? No huddle to discuss the week’s insanity? No bombardment of questions regarding my health?” Greyson huffed out a laugh, but Elijah wasn’t having it. “You didn’t even tell me what you got me to drink,” he said, holding up the mystery cup.
Greyson raised an eyebrow at his boss and bit back a smile. “It’s a chai,” he said, bemused. Elijah threw his hands up, flustered.
“The amount that that doesn’t address 90% of my questions is truly amazing,” he said, taking a long sip of his drink, which – certainly wasn’t a chai. The hell was that?
“I don’t know what second-rate Starbucks you stopped at, Chef, but this is definitely not a chai,” Elijah said, pushing the cup towards the door. “What is that? It’s like...something lemon.”
Greyson colored a bit and picked up his own cup to look at the sticker. “Ah, fuck,” he mumbled, striding back into the office and switching their cups. “Sorry ’bout that. I switched the cups.”
“What is it?” Elijah asked, his face seemingly stuck in a mask of disgust. “So that I can remember to never order it.”
Greyson rolled his eyes. “Have you ever ordered something from Starbucks that wasn’t a chai?” he asked, sipping his drink. Elijah shrugged and turned towards that computer again.
“Fair enough,” he said, waking the screen by shaking the mouse. He turned to Greyson again when the floorplan popped up on his screen. “Can we take a quick look at tonight together? Since Matt and Mark are still out? Do you think we should cut the covers off now, or go to 75?” Elijah squinted, his face nearly touching the screen in concentration. After a few moments of silence, he peeled himself away from the monitor to glance at the chef, who was – the fuck was he doing?
“The fuck are you doing?” Elijah asked, snapping Greyson out of his trance. The chef had been turned almost all the way around, facing the kitchen. Clearly he hadn’t heard a word Elijah said.
“Huh? Shit, sorry boss. Lost in thought,” Greyson said, turning back toward the GM. “Uhh… 75. Yeah, that looks good,” he finished, lamely. Elijah raised his eyebrows.
“What’s your problem today?” he asked, though not with malice. Greyson chuckled.
“Just got a lot on my mind, boss,” he said. “Big weekend. Week’s been long. I need to get back to prep, if that’s okay.” Elijah gave Greyson another look, but nodded after a moment and shooed him out. Greyson smiled at his boss, held his cup out in a false ‘cheers’. “I’ll be prepping in the back kitchen if you need me,” he said, and disappeared past the line into the back.
It wasn’t Elijah’s fault, he reasoned with himself later, that he hadn’t seen through the ruse. He’d just barely gotten over a monster of a cold; he was himself busy and stressed; it was early and he hadn’t had enough caffeine. He couldn’t be expected to decode what was wrong with Greyson every time the kid acted weird. However, he couldn’t help but kick himself when he finally realized – thirty minutes before service – what the weird-tasting drink the chef had gotten himself was. Aptly named, of course, and something Elijah himself had only had once before, courtesy of Greyson himself.
A medicine ball. Greyson had gotten himself a medicine ball.
***
He wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to keep this up, but it certainly wasn’t going to be through tomorrow’s wedding.
Greyson sat down, fully clothed, on the toilet and put his head in his hands for the third time that day. The fact that Elijah hadn’t noticed at this point was a mix of pure dumb luck and more sudafed than a human person should ever in their life consume. He assumed the former would begin to run out soon, as the latter had hours ago.
“Huhh...HNGSTH! NTSH! ITZSH! Fuck – HNGTSZHUE! Goddamn it.”
Greyson pulled a length of toilet paper from the roll and blew his nose until it made him cough. He checked his watch as he threw the toilet paper into the trashcan next to him – 9:15PM. When he’d stepped into this bathroom, dodging Elijah as he locked the door, all but one of the tables had left. He’d go back to the line, he’d tell Leo, his grill cook who’d been there nearly as long as he had, to check that everyone had cleaned thoroughly, and he’d sneak out the back before Elijah could question him.
And then what? Greyson asked himself as he stood and washed his hands. You somehow make a miraculous recovery between now and tomorrow morning? Have you seen how this shit took down Elijah, Mark, and Matt?
Greyson ignored the voice in his head and dried his hands. He assumed Elijah hadn’t noticed because they were both wildly busy before service, and once service had started, they were both worn thin being the only managers in their departments for the third day in a row. Greyson had managed to keep the congestion out of his voice with the aforementioned sudafed, and he had taken his happy ass to the bathroom or out back to ‘smoke’ when he really needed to sneeze or cough all night. Elijah had definitely given him some looks through the evening, but nothing Greyson couldn’t brush off by pulling a ticket distractedly and not making eye contact.
Tomorrow, though? When Matt and Mark were both going to be back, and they were all going to be prepping their asses off for the wedding? He genuinely had no idea what he was going to do to keep them from noticing.
Greyson exited the bathroom, stealthily managing to avoid his boss as he slipped into the kitchen. He gathered his things, put Leo in charge, and was nearly out the door, nearly safe, when -
“Chef!” Elijah called behind him, making him freeze in his tracks just outside the back door. Fuck.
“Yeah, boss?” Greyson asked, turning to face Elijah and hoping he didn’t look like the garbage fire he felt. Elijah crossed his arms over his chest in the cold of the alleyway and motioned to Greyson’s entire being.
“You leaving?” he asked tapping his foot. Greyson managed a smile and lifted his backpack and knife bag a little for inspection.
“Is it obvious?” he asked, quietly clearing his throat to mask the gravel of his voice. Elijah didn’t say anything for a few moments.
“Leo shutting down the line?” he asked. Greyson nodded, swallowing around a throat on fire.
“Yeah,” he said. “Did you uh…ndeed something from mbe?” Fuck.
Elijah gave Greyson a pointed look. “Grey,” he said, voice low. “If you’re sick, you need to tell me. Now.”
Greyson felt his cheeks redden, but he immediately shook his head. “I’mb good,” he said, cursing once again the congestion that had sneaked into his voice. “Promise. I gotta go, I’mb gonna mbiss mby train.” Without missing a beat, the chef turned around and headed towards the street, hoping his boss couldn’t see him stifle nearly ten sneezes into his fist as he walked.
This was not going to end well.
***
It was worse than Elijah could have even imagined.
When Elijah walked into the restaurant that morning, the first thing he did was text Greyson.
9:01AM
Hey. I’m here, is there anything you want me to pull out/start on before you get in?
9:01AM
Also, how are you feeling?
Normally, he’d get a response in moments; when Greyson wasn’t at work, the man was glued to his phone, playing some stupid game or messaging one of his fifty Bumble suitors he kept on the line at all times. I get bored, he often said to Elijah. One starts annoying me, BOOM! Onto the next.
Today, though, nearly twenty minutes passed before Elijah’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out immediately and couldn’t help but wince at the text the chef sent.
9:18AM
great. no. ill be there in 20.
Anyone who texted with Greyson more than once in their life knew that if he wasn’t being his multi-exclamation-point, constant-joke-and-lol self over text, he was probably close to death. Elijah typed out an ‘ok’ to the chef, before making a thread with Matt and Mark.
9:31AM
Elijah
Hey, guys. Just making sure you’re both on your way in. Greyson’s gonna be down bad. Need all hands on deck asap.
9:32AM
Mark
???? is he ok??? down bad in what way?
9:33AM
Matt
ya, coming now. figured chef would’ve gone down by now. should I bring anything?
9:34AM
Elijah
Just your stamina. Gonna be a long day. Thx.
9:34AM
Mark
no one answered my ?
im so confused
oh
OH
shit, I knew I got greyson sick. fuuuuuuuuck. sorry, boss :(
9:35AM
Elijah
All good. Inevitable. Let’s just get this day done.
Elijah clicked his phone off and sighed. He could go for a whiskey, or even just a long, drawn out scream about now, but a cigarette and a prayer would have to do him. Twelve hours until the wedding was over.
***
How Greyson managed to make it to work was anyone’s guess, him included.
The chef pushed through the back doors and before he could even get past the prep kitchen he was doubled over, sneezing into the sleeve of his hoodie.
“HhhIGSTZH-ue! HuhESHHH-ue! HRRTSCHZUE! NGTSHZUE! Christ, fuck,” Greyson muttered, wiping his nose on his sleeve for what he could only wish he could say was the first time that morning. He cleared his throat, which was for naught since he could barely speak, and continued his trudge into the main kitchen.
When Greyson had made it home last night, he told himself he’d be able to continue to hide his burgeoning illness. He thought maybe more medicine, some Vick’s, and a good night’s sleep would give him the upper hand against it. He’d told himself he was stronger than his coworkers, that his immune system wouldn’t fail him on one of the most important days of his career.
Oh, how the mighty will fall.
“HhNGTSHHZUE! ITSZH-uhh! Fuuuuck,” Greyson moaned, stumbling into the thankfully-empty office and yanking a handful of tissues from the box on the desk. He wiped his nose, unwilling to unleash the volley of sneezes he knew would be behind a nose blow, and pressed his palms into his eyes to try and relieve some of the pressure. Who the fuck gets a cold this fucking bad, Elijah, he wondered silently.
As if conjured, Greyson felt his phone buzz with a text from his boss.
10:07AM
Bless. That sounds fucking awful.
Could a guy not get a moment’s peace in this fucking place?
10:08AM
i should call the cdc’s biohazard unit on u for unleashing this shit onto us.
An admission, but what else was he supposed to do? Elijah could hear him in the dining room. The game was over. Greyson put his head back into his hands until he heard his boss’s footsteps click into the kitchen.
“...chef?” Elijah asked, and Greyson wearily lifted his head.
“Mornding,” Greyson croaked, before turning to the side to cough, crackly and painful-sounding, into his sleeve. He felt something get placed on the desk next to him, and when he finally was able to compose himself he saw it was a Starbucks cup. Greyson smiled, weary.
“Chai?” he asked, picking up the cup. Elijah huffed out a laugh.
“Something like that,” he said, moving to sit next to Greyson. “Now, hear me out. I think I have a gameplan.”
***
At five o’clock, Elijah finally went to rouse the man of the hour with a knock on the office door.
“Chef,” he said, trying to wake Greyson as gently as possible. “Grey. We need you for plate-up.” Greyson nodded blearily and, with the help of both Matt and Elijah, managed to get to his feet.
It had been an interesting day for sure. Elijah’s plan had been for Greyson to try and help with some of the more intricate parts of prep in the morning, and then lay down from noon until it was go time, but that had proved nearly impossible.
Greyson had managed to prep for about three minutes at a time before dissolving into nasty coughing fits that lasted minutes at a time, or absolutely relentless bouts of -
“HTSHH-ue! HRSHH-ue! Hhuhh…NGTSHZUE! ITSZHUE! Huhh-ETSHZCH-oo!”
“Christ, boss,” Matt said, attempting a laugh after a particularly intense fit of sneezes, “When you go down you really go – oh, fuck.” In teasing his boss, Matt nearly missed Greyson’s eyes rolling back into his head and his knees buckling as he lost consciousness for a moment. “ELIJAH!” Matt called, catching his boss and lowering him to the ground as gracefully as possible.
Once they’d managed to get Greyson back to a standing position, Elijah had decided it was too risky to let him continue to be...vertical. Greyson had laid out for Matt exactly what he needed him to do to finish preparing the food, and retreated to the blanket fort they had all heavily utilized this week for a sleep that more closely resembled a coma than anything restorative.
Matt, Elijah, and even Mark had managed to finish the prep Greyson had worked so hard on that week by four PM. Once they felt ready, the three of them gathered in front of the office to stare at the racked-out chef.
“Should we… ask him if everything looks okay?” Mark had asked, ringing his hands. Matt and Elijah exchanged a look before Elijah shook his head.
“I think… I think he’ll be okay with just about anything at this point,” Elijah said. The other two nodded, unwilling to take this precious moment of sleep away from the chef.
When the guests were all seated and ready for first courses, it was, of course, Elijah’s job to wake the sleeping bear. Greyson, ever the trooper, took his place at the pass and regarded the three of them with all the pride he could muster.
“Thangk you guys. Really,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “Ndow. Let’s get this shit over w – HGSTHH-ue! Snrf. Guhh,” Greyson held tight to the granite counter top and pulled himself back to his full height.
“Let’s get this done,” he said, pulling out his tweezers. “And whend it’s over, I’mb ndot answering mby phone for a fuckigg week.”
They all managed a laugh. They all assumed their positions for plating and running food. This certainly wasn’t the glamorous job it was portrayed in the movies, but they did have something all that media never seemed to truly capture; they had each other, and this place that all of them thought of as not a second, but a true home.
Greyson cleared his throat as the first of the servers came through the doors, bearing labeled sheets with seat numbers. “Order in!” he called, and they all put their heads down and began their work.
#whiskeyswriting#snz#snz fet#snez#snzfic#sniction#sickfic#coldfic#male cold#original charater#m cold#oc sickfic#snzblr#aight im going to bed lol i feel like a teenager again up late writing snz fic christ ive regressed lmaoooo
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~incorrect quotes cuz idk what I’m doing with my life lmao~
=======================================================================
Mass: I hate you with every inch of my body.
NY: Pfft- that’s not a lot of inches.
=======================================================================
NY: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute f*ckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges
============================================
Florida: My ultimate goal is to punch God in the eye, just to spite him one last time.
============================================
Georgia: Oh, fiddlesticks.
Texas: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the f*cking language.
============================================
Texas: Truth or dare?
Loui: Truth.
Texas: How many hours have you slept this week?
Loui:
Loui: Dare.
Texas: Go to sleep.
Loui: I don't like this game.
============================================
Gov: You remind me of the ocean.
NY: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
Gov: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.
============================================
Gov: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?
Loui: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Gov:
Loui: You literally bought me. I don’t know how you keep forgetting this-
============================================
Mass: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
============================================
NY: *playing Stray*
~a lil while later~
B-12: *is f*ckin’ dead*
~a lil while later*~
Cat: *does the slow blink before leaving the place where B-12 died*
NY: *jaw drops slightly as tears run down his face* What the f*ck man?! I-is this h-how it ends?!
*credits pop up*
NY: NOOOO!!-
============================================
Loui: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.
============================================
Delaware: Why do you fuss over them like they’re three year olds?
Connecticut, exasperated: WHY?!?
Connecticut points at Mass: HE TRIED TO HYJACK A CAR!
Connecticut points at NY: HE NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK!
Connecticut points at NJ: AND HE ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND!
Connecticut , turning back to Delaware: AND YOU ASK ME WHY???? YOU LITERALLY GREW UP WITH THEM- YOU’RE ONE JERSEY’S BEST FRIENDS YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS SH*T!
Delaware: Ok ok calm down I was just asking-
============================================
California: Hey, can you do me a favor?
NY: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.
California: You don’t even have a legitimate reason?
NY: Oh, no, I do.
California: Well, what is it?
NY: You see, I simply don’t give a f*ck.
============================================
Florida: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo?
Mass: ICARUS?!
============================================
Loui: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-
Gov: A doll.
NY: A cinnamon roll.
Florida: A sweetheart.
Loui:
Loui: *blushing like an anime girl* ...stop it-
============================================
(HUGE cuss warning ⚠️)
Mass: Hey, Yorkie?
NY, playing a video game with the squad: What?
Mass: Can I share something with you from earlier today?
NY: Wh- what is it, Mass?
Mass: Well, I sent you a text early in the morning.
NY: Mhm.
Mass: Because I have to go out of town for a weekend this month. And, so I was like- I won't give specific dates, but I was like, I don’t need this kid panicking again cuz he has no idea where tf I went.
NY: Yeah?
Mass: Your response.
NY: *trying not to crack up*
Mass: At 9:30 in the morning.
Mass: "motherf**king Jesse Eisenberg jesus Christ motherf**king Facebook movie jesus can you believe this sh*t"
NY: *laughing*
Mass: No- no- no punctuation. Random capitalization.
NY: You just made me dieeee hehehehehe...
Mass: So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now."
Mass: 45 minutes pass. I get a text from you.
Mass: "goddamn created Facebook and frickin’ lawyers and sh*t right f**king winklevoss twins goddamn rowing the boat f**k yo sh*t i cant even f**king believe this sh*t have you seen this sh*t f**k I just watched this sh*t f**k Jesse eisenberg man"
NY: *wheezing with laughter*
Mass: I respond "York, you're scaring me." An hour passes-
Mass: You respond, "motherf**king spiderman Spiderman you put in the time f**k put in the time motherf**king built stuff with his bare hands friggin’ best friend sh*t jesse eisenberg"
Mass: "im very tired"
NY: *struggling to breathe*
Mass: And- and I'm just like, "No- no worries, kid, I'll- I'll do most of the talking at the meeting today-"
Mass: IMMEDIATE, like, response, like I'm talking 5 seconds later,
Mass: "no man ill just talk all day crap man you have to be so interested in the sh*t I have to say about the Facebook movie f**k dude I just watched it a year and a half ago f**k Jesse Eisenberg man he f**ked over Spider-man crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent Resin or did the soundtrack f**k this guy who invented Facebook I don't like dying I can't think of who the heck invented Facebook All I can think is who played the guy who invented Facebook who the hell invented Facebook"
Mass: And then, in all capital letters, two hours later,
NY: *falling over with laughter*
Mass: "MARK ZUCKERBERG."
NY: *is a squeaky giggly wreck on the ground now*
Mass: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT BRO-
============================================
Mass: Why do you hang out with me?
Loui: You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
Mass: …
Mass: I feel a bit sorry for you.
============================================
NY: What’s up? I’m back.
California: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead. You got shot three times and stabbed 5 times.
NY: Death is a social construct.
============================================
Georgia: Can we go to a haunted house?
Loui: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Georgia: Wh-what?
Loui: Goodnight, Father.
============================================
Loui, holding a knife: You know you’re talking a lot of sh*t for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the blackmarket.
Alabama: *I’ve never heard silence quite this loud*
Loui: *smirk* That’s what I thought. *gets up and walks away twirling the knife like the bada$$ b*tch he is*
Alabama: *gulp*
Texas: Woooo buddy- I know your life just flashed before your eyes huh?
Alabama: Y-yea….
============================================
Gov: What did you two do?
Loui:
Florida:
Gov: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.
============================================
Loui: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’
Loui: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though.
============================================
NY, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
Kentucky, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
Loui, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
Georgia, appalled: Call the exorcist.
============================================
NY: Mass is off at an appointment, so while he’s gone, I’m going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
NJ: Why?
NY: He’s like 90% of my impulse control.
============================================
#welcome to the table#welcome to the statehouse#ben brainard#wttt#wttt new york#wttt louisiana#wttt texas#wttt massachusetts#wttt gov#wttt florida#wttt new jersey#wttt georgia#wttt kentucky#wttt connecticut
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acos prologue-chapter 19: i read the whole first half of the book during a trip this weekend so i’m sure i’ve forgotten a bunch of stuff i wanted to note, but i did go back and skim through to jog my memory and i think i have all the most important things
giant ass wheel of time prologues my detested. i want to see RAND! pedron niall’s assassination was pretty wild tho, did not see that coming! might be starting to see why the show gave valda such a prominent intro? up to now i’d been wondering about that since he hasn’t seemed too important. overall the book whitecloaks feel like more of a nuisance and waste of page-time than an actual threat, so i think the show did a much better job making them feel like real antagonists.
it’s also interesting bc coming to the books as a show-first person, what with the way whitecloaks were presented to me initially, so far galad becoming a whitecloak feels WAY worse than anything gawyn (who we also see in the prologue) has done yet. i’m committed to keeping gawyn as my problematic fav now, hope he doesn’t do something truly heinous that’ll make me have to admit i was wrong jkdfg i can forgive his choices at the tower coup and dumai’s wells and his hatred of rand bc he’s doing the best he can with the extremely limited and mostly incorrect information that’s available to him (the difficulties and unreliability of info-spreading in a pre-modern-technology (or technically post-) society is becoming a growing issue which is fascinating at times and infuriating at others, but always an incredibly realistic worldbuilding detail that i don’t recall seeing many other similarly low-tech fantasy books including) anyway, i’m weeping over gawyn’s looking glass having an inscription from his mom. also over him reflecting on how quickly real war ripped away the ideals he was always taught about fighting honorably.
“[perrin] would have expected the other aes sedai to comfort [the ones who were stilled in the battle], care for them somehow, but most ignored the three entirely” agreed perrin! i remember being really struck by how cold all the aes sedai were to siuan and leane when they were stilled and then how warm again suddenly after nynaeve healed them. not a surprising attitude for aes sedai, but shitty nonetheless.
“rand could [channel], of course, but he was rand, and the dragon reborn besides. [the asha’man] made perrin’s hackles rise” aww perrin lowkey admitted he’s not afraid of rand :’) what a sad state of things that i’m touched by that lmao
and perrin counting “they had kidnapped rand, mistreated him” as a reason why he doesn’t like aes sedai :’)
“the dragon reborn, who made the world tremble, sitting on the ground, alone in the dark, his arms wrapped around himself, rocking back and forth” almost started crying on the bus there, thanks for that
“[rand] had on a coat rooted out of the wagons...it was the only garment in the camp to fit him. truth, you would have thought he insisted on silk and fine embroidery, the way he had had those wagons searched top to bottom, yesterday and this morning” gee perrin i wonder why rand was so desperate to change out of the clothes he was kidnapped and tortured in for weeks? rand is literally so traumatized and literally no one even THINKS to think that he might be!
more problems await rand in cairhien. is it too much to ask that he be given enough time for a bath and a nap after everything he’s been through? goddamn
again perrin smells jealousy and hurt from faile when berelain comes up, and again understands the jealousy but not the hurt. he really just keeps going “why does the thought of me being interested in someone else make my wife feel hurt? what does it mean?” perrin has to take the crown of Worst With Women out of the 3 boys, which is ironic since he’s the only one in a long-term relationship with one. dumbassery by perrin, but more dumbassery by faile to not see how obviously uninterested and flat-out UNCOMFORTABLE perrin is with berelain and to not believe perrin when he keeps telling her he loves no one but her. jealousy is probably my #1 most hated romantic conflict in fiction (and probably also my #1 biggest turnoff in a hypothetical real-life partner) so i can tell i’m not going to have a good time with this plotline.
rand includes mat in the very short list of people he can trust. thinking about “friend” (in the context of lews therin being his only friend in the box) triggers some hallucinatory (?) flickers of color and motion that make him think of mat (and perrin). cauthor crumbs!
“no. he was not in the chest anymore. his fingers ached, clenched around scepter and hilt. only memories remained, and memories had no force. he was not-” rand!!! is so!!! traumatized!!!! and no one notices!!!!!!!
“when sulin stepped around in front of rand, she took one look at his face, and her breath caught. ‘they did this to you,’ she said softly, and reached for her heavy-bladed belt knife.” when rand gets panicky just from the darkness when he pulls his hood up, “sulin’s hand moved. it took him a moment to realize she was stroking his arm.” okay SULIN notices, thank god!! if nobody’s got rand i know sulin’s got him
“‘what woman could i hate enough to marry her to the dragon reborn?’ rand said coldly. that caused a silence solid enough to touch.” first of all, heartbreaking, second of all, i did laugh a little at bael and bashere and their wives all joking around about marriage and rand just drops the biggest debbie downer line in the world on them and kills, nay, MURDERS the mood
rand thinks, in quick succession, that he needs elayne, that he “doesn’t” (does) need aviendha, and that he needs mat. #PutMatInThePolycule
fat little man angreal my beloved is missing! no!! rand better get that little guy back or else! i don’t even care about him needing it for channeling, i just think it’s neat. fat little man angreal is my friend.
rand thinking of all his problems as juggling. “thom merrilin had taught him to juggle a little, but he had never been very good.” sounds like rand needs the pro juggler, mat cauthon, by his side to help him deal with everything.
“it was not of sammael or illian that he thought. bring elayne quickly, mat. it ran wild in his head.” matrandlayne crumbs!
“one hour, and [egwene] could straighten everything out. underneath, he was still rand.” aww egwene ❤️ it’s nice to see that all the emond’s fielders do still, to some extent, see rand and not just the dragon reborn. now if only they would make that clear to him to help him feel less isolated.............
“‘he doesn’t think he needs anyone.’ rand would go on thinking he could handle anything by himself right up until one of those anythings crushed him.” 1) pot and kettle, egwene 2) it hurts so much to see rand in his pov constantly thinking “i have to do this by myself because i’m the only one who can/because i don’t want other people to get hurt by having to do it/because i’m too traumatized to trust anyone but myself” but then from exterior povs it comes off as him refusing to ask for help because he’s overconfident and too proud and stubborn. aaaaaahhhh!!!
loving the parallels with rand and egwene in this book. both finding themselves with a million problems to juggle that (they think) no one but they can solve, both overwhelmed and lonely and scared and not sure who they can trust, but pushing through to try and do it all on their own because they must. “there was no rest in it, but it must be done. she would do what must be done.” like that could’ve come straight from a rand pov chapter!
theodrin is DEFINITELY mesaana. same tic of tapping her lips while thinking.
“mat had a reputation as a soldier?...[egwene] had believed he commanded only because of rand” jdkfjg EVERYONE thinks mat is just rand’s trophy husband. this + “of course you’re dragonsworn, you do whatever rand tells you” in the last book, egwene 100% thinks they’re fucking
egwene knows in her head that bonding a warder without his consent is bad, but thinks she and nynaeve might do the same to gawyn and lan if they were to turn them down?? girl???? what the fuck???????
awwww moiraine wanted myrelle to pass lan’s bond on to nynaeve ❤️❤️
halima is definitely giving egwene these headaches on purpose and then offering the cure as a way to worm her way into egwene’s trust. sometimes i wish there was a bit less of “revealing to the audience that a character is evil, but not to the other characters” i love a bit of dramatic irony but at this point it’s starting to become stressful and frustrating how many people i KNOW are evil that none of the other characters have unmasked yet (and i honestly can’t even keep track of which whitecloak was it who’s the darkfriend, which aes sedai, etc. lmao it would be easier on me in all respects if i was kept in the dark as long as the characters were)
our first aviendha pov (aside from like 4 paragraphs in the last book) yes!!!! i am so excited!!!! i’ve been hoping to unlock aviendha pov for ages! i love seeing how her aiel mind thinks about things in such different ways than the wetlander povs, like water and boats and propriety and clothing and relationships and honor and shame. aviendha vs. boats is so CUTE
“in a way, however important their search, that was like putting something before clan or society, yet aviendha felt pride. elayne’s view of honor was peculiar at times...but she followed it admirably” proud girlfriend! ❤️❤️
ooh interesting to finally see why aiel always call everyone by first and last name - aviendha thinks that only calling someone by half their name feels too intimate, “like using a honey-name.” if we don’t get a version of the godtier “character a who never calls character b by their first name does so for the first time in an emotional moment after character b almost dies” trope for aviendha and rand, i will fucking riot
“aviendha did not approve [of elayne’s dress]. the upper half of the dress, the bodice, fitted as snugly as that necklace, and a missing narrow oval of cloth revealed the inner slopes of her breasts” aviendha is shook by The Titties
no but while i like the clothing descriptions, i’m tired of how EVERY SINGLE woman’s outfit is ALWAYS described in terms of how revealing it is or isn’t. either describe women’s clothes without that aspect or, better yet, describe men’s clothes WITH it. if you’re gonna tell me how elayne’s boobs look in tight dresses, i also want to know how mat’s ass looks in tight pants. THAT is true equality!
“she and elayne had not reached the point of adopting each other as first-sisters yet, but she was sure they would, now. already they brushed each other’s hair, and every night in the dark shared another secret never told to anyone else.” LADIES................ 1) i specifically remember that earlier a maiden suggested that rand offer to brush aviendha’s hair as a way of getting her interest romantically, so the fact that aviendha and elayne are brushing each other’s hair 👀 2) what secrets never told to anyone else are they sharing every night, in the dark, alone, when it is dark, at night? 👀👀 3) much as i love this, when last we left aviendha she was saying she and elayne weren’t ready to become first-sisters yet, but now suddenly she thinks they’re almost there. “relationship development happening offscreen between books” is one of rj’s favorite tricks and i don’t like it one bit. 4) imagine a Put Mat In The Polycule version of this where mat is hanging out with aviendha and elayne brushing each other’s hair and fucking sharing secrets and talking about rand (as elayne mentions later) 🥺🥰
aviendha thinking about how ready she is to be elayne’s first-sister (and by extent sister-wife) and then thinking “this min woman, though............” (and min’s similar thought later about sharing rand with elayne and “this aviendha woman she had yet to meet”) just drives home how much min does not fit naturally into the polycule. min was close with elayne in book 2 (and most of that was relationship development that happened offscreen before the book) but they’ve only had a couple scenes since then, and she’s never met aviendha at all. meanwhile elayne/aviendha are as connected with each other as they are with rand, and while we’re at it, mat is connected with all 3 of them more strongly than min is. he’s a better and more natural fourth goddammit!!!!
aviendha is the first to advocate for asking mat to help them find the bowl rather than avoiding him 🥰 and when nynaeve insults him elayne says “oh do be quiet nynaeve” 🥰
“‘maybe,’ birgitte murmured, ‘you had mat the scoundrel set so hard in your mind, you couldn’t see he had any use.’ elayne gave her a cool stare, chin raised, then abruptly grimaced, and nodded reluctantly. she did not accept criticism easily.” awww elayne acknowledging she’s judged mat unfairly 🥰 also i really feel like nynaeve and egwene have influenced elayne’s opinion of mat HARD, like they’re her bffs and they spend so much time talking about what an irresponsible scoundrel he is that of course elayne comes to believe the same thing. it often feels like she’s mostly just parroting what they say about mat, esp since i feel like mat hasn’t done anything THAT scoundrel-y in front of elayne so far.
“he needs to be made fit for decent company” is elayne planning to My Fair Lady mat? ........that would be a hilarious fic actually, someone please write that
awwww elayne is being so sweet about aviendha’s fear of boats and water, giving her advice for dealing with it while phrasing it like she’s talking about herself so as not to embarrass aviendha 🥺🥰
“[aviendha] complained to amys and bair that she must be ill because she felt as though rand al’thor was carrying some part of her around with him” BABY 🥺🥺😭😭
“most would have thought [elayne] quite calm, but aviendha knew the signs” aviendha knows her girlfriend!
proud dad mat betting all his money on olver in the horse race! anxious dad mat being worried about olver getting hurt in the race!
“not that [the women] had spoken twenty words to [mat] since arriving in the bloody city!” mat is so desperate for his besties’ attention bless him
“as far as [mat] was concerned, [aviendha] could knife whoever she wanted so long as it was not elayne” supportive brother-husband of aviendha and protective husband of elayne 😌
mat having a flashback to the cauthor roadtrip 😭😭😭😭 and not just any part of it, but the part when rand was sick and mat took care of him (tho the flashback is only focused on the darkfriend lady), which might just be my #1 favorite part!
dagger-influenced mat in the flashback “he wondered why he had ever trusted. it never paid. never.” and lews-therin-influenced rand earlier in the book “to trust was to be betrayed; trust was pain” they need each other so bad!! goddammit!!
mat going “nynaeve needs to be taken down a peg but i’m not gonna let anyone else talk shit about her!” they’re besties your honor!!!
i feel like mat is suddenly being 20x hornier and more women-objectifying-y than he ever was in previous books, and i feel like this is being done so that The Thing That Happens To Him Later In This Book can be framed as comeuppance, which is absolute bs!!!!
speaking of That Thing, this chapter has mat’s first meeting with tylin and it’s horrible! he spends the whole time uncomfortable and stressed out and feeling trapped and having his personal space invaded. “the writing table behind his back rattled against the wall as he tried to back away. the only way out was to push her aside or climb over her skirts...she smiled, a faint curl of her lips that did not lessen the predatory glint in her eyes. the hair on his head tried to stand up.” i hate it!!!!! elayne please make a gateway and send mat back to caemlyn stat!!!
mat feels like a rabbit being chased by an eagle. i feel as though we’re supposed to think “ha, how the turn tables from when mat was the eagle chasing all those women” except it was clearly established MULTIPLE times in previous books that mat only chases women who enjoy it as much as he does. and actually, his only previous significant relationship (melindhra) was also him as the rabbit to her eagle, not just bc she was a darkfriend and tried to kill him, but even before that he was often uncomfortable around her and wishing he could figure out a way to end the relationship without her forcing him to stay or getting mad at him or hurting him. mat deserves better yet from spoilers i know he’s only going to receive worse 😤
the dice have been rolling for a couple chapters now and i am so scared to see when they’ll stop
random thought but i LOVE taraboner syntax and speech patterns
rand is also suddenly being hornier and more women-objectifying-y than usual (“he enjoyed looking at [berelain] too much” literally since when????) but at least it seems like this might be a symptom of lews therin being horny in his head and not actually rand’s own thoughts
if cadsuane is so important and legendary among aes sedai, why have we never heard one mention of her in a previous book? at least that i can recall. she’s funny so far but it just feels like she came out of absolutely nowhere, usually a character who’s allegedly THIS important would’ve at least been hinted at before being abruptly dropped into the story
rand is starting to question whether lews therin is real or just madness, interesting. i would also like the answer to that!
“mad or not, alone or not, there was no one else to do what had to be done. not even this small duty. heavier than a mountain.” 😭😭😭😭
our first few sentences of min pov this book are her thinking about how she hates high-heeled boots but is wearing them because she thinks rand likes them 🙄 day 89475 of waiting for min to find the dignity and self-respect she had at the beginning of the series
“she had long since reconciled herself to being hopelessly in love [with rand]. nothing else mattered, not that he was an unsophisticated countryman, younger than she, not who or what he was, not that he was doomed to go mad and die if he was not killed first.” min spends so much time thinking about all the reasons why she shouldn’t love rand and none about the reasons why she does. day 9348958 of waiting for min to give one (1) reason why she loves rand, besides that he’s handsome and that fate said she had to. and on rand’s part, the only reason he’s really given so far is that he feels safe with min, which is sweet, but not really enough to convince me of strong romantic love. it feels more like a sense of platonic comfort and friendship than of attraction or romantic feelings. plus, it almost feels like he’s just latching onto min bc he’s so desperately lonely and affection-starved and she is literally the only friend he has nearby atm, aside from perrin who we’ve seen is kinda wary of him now
min is unhappy with sharing rand with elayne and aviendha but has accepted she has no choice. i’ve said it before but have to repeat, i just hate so much the way this whole thing was done! it feels like poor min and elayne are both miserable with the arrangement, while aviendha is ok with sharing with elayne but not with min. i would love to see avilayne date in the show (and we’re all thinking they probably will) and possibly one or both date min as well, but honestly i would be completely fine with them keeping “rand has 3 gfs and they each only have him” if they just made it so that all 4 of them are actually HAPPY with the arrangement and do it because they want to, not because min said fate said they had to. like, the aiel are already there to introduce the concept of polyamory to rand/elayne/min, they don’t also need Fate Said So motivating them to do this. i feel like the books made it so that the concept of polyamory is so completely alien and distasteful to min and elayne that Fate Said So was the only way to force them into it, which sucks and is yet another symptom of the main characters’ extreme sexual repression (which the show has thankfully done away with, and nynaeve in s1 was surprised by polyamory but had no problem with it, so i’m hoping the randwich formation will benefit from this change in attitude)
min and rand have now officially fucked, but my opinion of the ship still hasn’t changed. also, what is WITH the non-consensual undertones of rand’s 2 sex scenes? with aviendha i remember him thinking something like “he couldn’t have stopped her even if he’d wanted to” and now min’s is so much worse: “[while rand is protesting that he can’t do this with her] seizing two handfuls of his hair, she pulled his mouth back down, and after a little while, he stopped fighting...if he even tried to stop now, she was going to fetch one of riallin’s spears, all of them, and stab him.” is that supposed to feel sexy? is that supposed to feel romantic? bc it doesn’t!! especially given that this is happening while rand is in a really emotionally vulnerable state after cadsuane’s visit and the news of fel’s and colavaere’s deaths which he views as his fault. A Crown of Swords more like A Crown of Consent Issues
i haven’t yet returned to rand’s pov, will be interested to see his thoughts on this development
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I haven’t posted about my situation in awhile…so from December 28th through the first week of January I was hospitalized. I made some great friends there it was great tbh I was actually happy now not so much cuz I’m back home but oh well…so that guy with the girlfriend that I post about saved my life…he helped me get to the hospital …not literally but just by calling someone cuz he knew I was in pain…anyway when I got back this fucking BITCH (not his girlfriend she’s amazing I love her she helped me through this too) told me he doesn’t want me around anymore that I make him feel unsafe that I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore or I’m not welcome in the store anymore…. And bitch knew I was hospitalized…anyway both him and his girlfriend made it clear none of this was true…how much he loves and cares about me…now that fucking bitch who I just locked eyes with (vomit) is acting all nice and walking around like it never happened…I’ve gotten to talk to him without consequence but she literally made me so paranoid that he hates me which is already a fear of mine with literally everyone that I feel so sick when he’s around now which was never the case before even though both him and his girlfriend convinced me that it isn’t true I literally had the worst panic attack on Monday where I couldn’t breathe and this happened in front of him and he called an ambulance that took me to the hospital and the paramedic actually remembered me from the end of December LMAO like seriously???? But he stayed with me until they got there and I know he loves me and cares about me but now I’m paranoid cuz last weekend me and his girlfriend went out to dinner and hung out and we had such a fun time like literally the most fun I’ve had in a long time and she constantly tells me she loves and cares for me too but after finding out I have BPD she conveniently said she doesn’t have time to hang out anymore cuz she has to work. It’s not that i don’t believe her but she told me I need professional support (duh) and that she can’t be there for me all the time (I never expected her to) and like we had been supposed to watch the Taylor swift movie together last week but then after hearing more of my story I feel like that needing to work just became a convenient excuse. She did send me a bunch of links for support groups and told me she loves me and isn’t abandoning me but I still feel like I ruined everything. She is one of the best friends I ever had and I know she isn’t out of my life completely but I miss her already 😭
Maybe it’s for the best though because I’m still in love with her boyfriend LmAo but like…
Anyway I hate that bitch who actually did this once before with someone else too (I always referred to this guy as my abuser in my posts because I felt like he was emotionally abusing me but it turns out she was controlling him the whole time and now she tried to do it to my friend too but I’m so glad he’s better than that!!!) the guy I thought was abusing me has actually been consistently genuine and kind to me like he was when we first met and he even gave me a hug last week. Anyway that’s a sufficient update I think!!!!!!
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TW: suicide mention
So I’m in this like, program, for suicide prevention. It’s a step down from hospitalization where either you go into it after your hospitalization for an attempt, or you’re referred into it if you’re struggling with ideation (me).
It’s group therapy but like, instead of kumbahyah bullshit all the time you just like, talk about your ideation and experiences candidly. Like you’re allowed to say like “yeah I attempted last night, it sucked”
And what has happened is like, everyone is worried about everyone else. Will they come back tomorrow? Will they be okay? Should I talk to them? And when you come in the next day it’s like a party— people run up and hug each other because they made it another day. I’m talking mid 20s-40 yr olds. I met 2 friends 5 days ago— one is dealing with leaving an extremely abusive relationship, the other is dealing with extreme social isolation since his job became remote. We RUN across the room tackling each other to hug them. We celebrate us being there. We text each other how proud we are for them making progress. We bitch about how hard it is. When we leave for the day we tell each other we love them. It’s like we’ve been best friends for years because we’re pulling each other out of the worst mental health crises of our lives man, idk. They are SO protective of me, they’re like my mom and dad LMAO
Another guy didn’t come in yesterday but he came in today and I was like BROOOOO YOU MADE IT!!!! I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU ALL DAY!!!! And he’s like this, monotone deadpan depressed guy and he fuckin like, lit up?? And was like “aw man, I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna worry you!” And I was like “naw man i’m just glad you’re here!!!” And when I said goodbye and that I hoped to see him tomorrow he grabbed my sleeve and said “Don’t do anything stupid, Ellerie. We need you here.” And I was like aye you too Greg.
we all look for each other. We text each other. None of this is part of the program!! We’re just strangers grappling on for dear life to each other.
I think that’s like, the part I least expected out of group therapy was the camaraderie. We take “ride or die” to a whole fuckin other level LMFAO
I had a crisis Tuesday and these guys are like, walking me to my car making sure I get home safe, texting each other on the weekends to make sure everyone is all right.
You trauma dump day ONE. The program makes you sit down and tell everyone why you’re there and you don’t leave out the juicy details about SI or SH or ED. You give it all. And then they give back— you find out everyone in that group went through it too and they have your back and will get in the fucking ring for you.
I didn’t know this was an option until my therapist was like “girl I think you might kys :( go Here”. I wish I knew about it before I was in this bad of a crisis. But I’m fixin my shit. Everyone is fixin their shit. And every day we rejoice.
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2,3,5,17,21,27,37,38
2: Talk about your first kiss.
For a long time I didn’t count it, but it was with my friend Jayden when I was 15 or 16 I think? We were in my back yard hanging out on night and we literally were joking like what if we kissed jk unless and then we did but I started laughing just before our lips connected and he ended up kissing my teeth and it was so awkward and embarrassing but we both ended up laughing and staying friends!
3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.
Oof that I’m not 100% sure—I feel like there were a few people I had intense feelings for but it was based on more of my own romanticized idea/perception of who I thought they were vs who they actually were, if that makes sense? Also it was when I was younger and didn’t really know much about love and relationships and myself even so everything just felt so intense haha!
5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.
Probably my 20th birthday—my best friend and I just went out around town and had my favorite foods and then watched our favorite movies! It was the year after the worst birthday I ever had, and I just remember feeling happier than I’d been in a long time.
17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.
I want to be friends with some of my coworkers outside of work bc they’re genuinely cool people but also I respect the fact that we work together for 40 hours every week and they probably already see me more than they want to already lol!
21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.
Someone asked me out while I was working and I was so taken aback and uncomfortable I couldn’t think of anything else to say but “that’s not allowed” 😅
27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.
Depends on the person! I’m usually drawn to facial features first like eyes and lips, but also love hands too!
37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.
Almost every person I had a crush on in high school, I thought I was in love with lmao! Since I’ve grown up a bit, I can’t say I’ve felt that for anyone yet.
38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.
I feel like usually the songs remind me of times or events in my life more than certain people. Like pilot with a fear of heights by felicity makes me think of my sister’s bachelorette weekend a few years ago. For some reason Telephone by Lady Gaga was stuck in my head during my chemistry final in high school so every time I hear it, I’m back in chemistry class lol!
Thank you for asking!!💜
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ITS THE RETURN OF *checks notes* PAPILLON (🦋) ANON
I just wanted to thank you for being such a huge comfort blog during covid your posts got me through a really rough time :’) this community was so fun to be a part of and I’m glad there are still some familiar faces around
I, ON THE OTHER HAND, COMPLETELY REINVENTED MYSELF!!! I chopped all my hair off bc I decided that having sexy hair was not worth the sensory issues and also because I love the way a pixie looks on me (my head isn’t a weird shape like I thought it was) and once I started going to school in-person again I met a bunch of new people and recovered from isolating myself for an entire year and I’m WAY MORE CONFIDENT NOW
I actually took quite a large break from playing Genshin around my second semester last year and I only now started playing because Cyno came out👁 (I have been waiting for him since the trailer I LOVE HIM A NORMAL AMOUNT)
I actually joke pulled on Tighnaris banner because I wanted to get collei and umm I got collei,,, but I also got fox boy,, and then keqing so I had a guaranteed Cyno. I think this was Genshins way of bribing me to start playing again😭 it worked. I finished a bunch of quests I’d been putting off and I’m getting closer to starting the Sumeru archon quest ! !
Anyways today felt like a fitting day to come back from the dead because I literally had the most perfect day and it made me realize how far I’d come since my days as an anon in ur blog :’)
I hope everything is going good on your end as well and I’m glad your posting again (btw how’s that psychology major coming along?)
- Papillon 🦋
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT PAPILLON ANON, THE GODS HAVE BLESSED US TODAY FR
aaaaaa you're so sweet as ever, thank you too for keeping me company during the covid era, honestly it still feels like the pandemic is still rampant here but that's just me stuck inside at this point. but ah!! im so happy you're alive and better than ever! Oh look at you all, really growing up and finding your identities, even if it's been just what - almost two years i just feel so proud of you all for making it through the worst parts of our era and turning out for the best *wipes tears* Ah motherly tears
That makes you, me, and some others who also came back for Cyno! It's like the second coming or some shit lmao we love our boyo eventhoughiendeduppullingfornilouandsimpingforherhard
Oh please get that archon quest going, make sure to pace yourself by the way cuz that shit takes HOURS but it is SO WORTH
Again again, so happy you found your way back, I missed you just the same! And that ahah I graduated back in July! I'm now getting ready to take my board exam to have my professional license, four hours+ every saturday and sunday for 6 months hence why im quiet during the weekends but it's going well!
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1541
two in one just because i feel like this first one is too short
Is there anything you dislike about your house?
The ventilation is not the best. You always need to have the electric fan on; and many times it’s not even enough so you’ll have to open the windows to not feel like you’re being baked in an oven.
Would you permanently remove your pubic hair or would you be cautious in case pubic hair comes back “in” fashion?
I would, yeah. I’m all for free the nipples and free all the body hair, but not having pubic hair has always been my preference.
What do you like to put on bagels?
I never eat bagels. But I don’t dislike them, I’ve just always preferred other kinds of food.
To what extent would you consider yourself to be an online “stalker”?
If I had to rate it over 100, I’d give myself a sad 25. I largely don’t care what other people are up to anymore and only ever hunt down updates if I feel like someone I know is going through, like, a major life update lol like if they got pregnant or broke up with somebody.
Hypothetically, if you were still a virgin at the age of 40, do you think you’d just go out and have sex with anyone or would you still want to wait for someone special?
Wait. 40 year old asexual me wouldn’t care.
What TV show would you recommend other survey-takers to start watching?
I’m the worst person to ask this because I’m terrible at watching series lmao. But maybe The Crown?? I haven’t seen much of Season 3 and all of Season 4 but I mean I loved what I’ve watched so far. If anyone wants to get into K-drama I’d recommend Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo – easy, fun, light watch.
What do you think of restaurants with topless waiters? Do you think this is inappropriate/unhygienic?
I don’t think there’s a place here that has that gimmick, but I feel like I’d go in there at least once just for the shits and giggles and then never go back. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’d be grossed out by it unless I see extreme practices being exhibited, like if the restaurant itself is really unmaintained or if the dudes handled my food with their bare hands.
What’s your opinion on eating your own placenta after giving birth? Do you think you would?
Do whatever you want, I just know I wouldn’t eat mine.
Have you ever found mice or rats in your house?
Thank fuck I never have, at least in this house. There were a number of rats in our old duplex, though.
What do you think of “teacup” or miniature pigs?
I don’t know enough about them to have an opinion.
Have you ever seen your parents drunk? What was your reaction?
Both of them don’t really drink. I wish I could see them tipsy at least once though, hahaha.
What’s your biggest body worry when you wear a bikini? (Being too pale, cellulite etc.)
I don’t really have any, but I always worry about wardrobe malfunctions lol. I’ve got no boobs so I always have to look out for the upper part of the bikini and make sure it doesn’t hike up.
Do you cringe when people call sex “making love”?
No.
--
1 - What are some of your favourite scents/smells?
I love it in coffee shops - it’s the smells of coffee and pastries all in one. I also like sea-themed scents; they always help make me feel relaxed.
2 - Do you enjoy watching murder mystery/crime programmes? Do you prefer fictional shows or ones based on real-life cases?
I do but they’re limited to documentaries or mini-series on real-life cases, case in point Buzzfeed Unsolved which I’ve actually been recently rewatching a lot. Fictional crime I find boring for the most part.
3 - What was the last parcel you received in the mail? Was it something you ordered yourself or was it a gift?
It was my Proof set which finally arrived a couple of weekends ago. It was a gift to myself, of course and as always hahaha. The packaging is gorgeous.
4 - Is there anyone you send e-mails to on a regular basis?
It’s always just my clients.
5 - What's your favourite colour combination? Are any rooms in your house decorated in that particular scheme?
I don’t really have a particular pairing but I find neutral or pastry colors pretty when combined. And no, not really; our house is largely black and white with some splashes of brown here and there.
6 - Do you prefer white, milk or dark chocolate? What about flavoured chocolate?
White, for the most part. I have to be in the mood for milk chocolate, like if my tooth is feeling sweeter than usual. As for dark chocolate, I don’t like it on its own and prefer for it to be incorporated in other desserts - like cookies with dark chocolate chips. Then for flavored chocolate, I largely avoid them haha. Not a fan unless they were the only choice available.
7 - What was the last reason for you leaving the room you're currently in?
I played with and fed Cooper and Agi.
8 - How many surveys have you taken so far today? Do you have any plans to take more after this one?
Just the one above this one. Yep, I’m in a bit of a survey-taking mood tonight.
9 - If you eat it, what type of meat is your favourite? If you're vegetarian/vegan, do you like meat substitutes like quorn or tofu?
Ooh this is hard I love them all lol. I’d say chicken is probably my favorite only because I like it in most forms? unlike pork and beef wherein there are dishes involving either of them that I’m not a fan of, like giniling and bistek. I rarely get to try meat substitutes but I do love tofu.
10 - What was the last thing you looked up on Google?
I’ve been on a royal family research black hole because of recent events, so my last search was something about them.
11 - What's the next major holiday coming up for you? Do you have any interesting plans?
Last major one is probably already the All Saints’/All Souls’ Day holiday. Looking forward to my long weekend by then -- I imagine my family may be out of town since my dad will be in the country by then. If not, we’ll probably just spend the rest of our time at home.
12 - Do you live in an area where masks are compulsory in order to enter shops?
Well they’ve recently passed a law making masks voluntary now, but I feel like stores and most other public spaces will continue making it mandatory. Understandable - the risks are still too high; but anyway, to answer the question, yes.
13 - Did you wear any kind of uniform to school? If so, describe it. If not, did you at least have some kind of dress code to follow?
I had to wear a uniform in my old school - the one I attended kinder, grade school, and high school in. The top was a white collared shirt with a plaid necktie that had to be like 4-5 inches long; then we had a plaid skirt that went past our knees and used the same material as the necktie. We also had to wear ankle socks and black leather shoes; and hair ties could only be red, black, or white.
Any sort of dress code concept was thrown out the window when I was in college, though. People could be as covered or as revealing as they wish. It was obviously a culture shock and I spent the first few months wearing boring t-shirts and jeans that covered my whole legs haha; but once I got used to it then sleeveless tops and shorts became normal to me.
14 - Is there anything unusual or out of the ordinary in the room you're currently in?
I have three copies of Twilight lying somewhere.
15 - Who was the last person you spoke to via Messenger, if you have it?
My mom. She was just saying she’s getting Wendy’s drive-thru for us and I was telling her it’s a good thing the car queue isn’t too long this time.
16 - Have you ever been badly sunburned? What did you do in order to make it less painful afterwards?
I used to always get sunburns as a kid, but I never really did anything other than wait for the discomfort to go away. Fortunately I stopped getting them as I got older.
17 - When was the last time you went swimming in the sea? Do you prefer swimming in the sea or in a pool?
Continued the following day – my remark about being in a survey-taking mood was a complete lie haha. That would be in April, during my birthday weekend. For the longest time, I preferred swimming in pools simply because they were all I ever swam in. Then I went on my first beach trip when I was 11 - but I didn’t like it at first. It took a while, but I finally started liking (and ultimately preferring) the beach/sea in my late teens/early 20s.
18 - What's something you need to buy in the near future? Are you waiting until you get paid to buy it?
I need to get shelves for my merch because I’m quickly running out of space!!! and I’ve still got a handful of packages arriving so at this point where I’ll house them is now up in the air. Technically I am waiting to get paid to get them yeah, but I am waiting for my 13th month (not my next paycheck) to get new furniture. I plan on making it a Christmas gift for myself.
19 - What have you eaten so far today? Do you have plans to eat anything else before you go to bed?
I had a vegan burrito that was served at the event I just came from; right now I’m having a chocolate chip pretzel from Auntie Anne’s and a cup of coffee. Yeah, I plan on having dinner because I haven’t eaten nearly enough today.
20 - Do you parents still buy you Easter eggs even though you're fully grown?
That was never a practice of theirs, which I’ve never minded because I don’t practice Easter. My extended family also rarely held Easter egg hunts for me and my siblings and cousins.
21 - The last time you were in a car, where were you going and what were you doing there?
Technically the last time I was in a car was me driving home this afternoon; but I came from this indoor gym/obstacle course establishment called Pretty Huge, for a work event. Thankfully I wasn’t required to be active and join in the workouts hahaha so I was there largely to cheer on the people who were, and to also socialize and mingle with our attendees.
22 - Do your parents have any opinions that you consider to be old-fashioned or odd?
My mom has a whole bible of traditional opinions, not really surprising to me at this point considering that she's both 1) super devoutly Christian and 2) Filipino. It’s stuff like being anti-abortion, alert bells ringing in her head when she sees me wearing something revealing, expecting her kids to get married and give her grandchildren, etc. My dad is actually quite liberal so it’ll sometimes make me wonder how my mom saw him and thought “OK.”
23 - What time did you get out of bed this morning? Is that normal for you?
I woke up at 6 AM for the aforementioned event, which is not normal for me especially on the weekends since I like sleeping in these days.
24 - What normal things do you miss the most since COVID hit?
I feel like things are mostly back to normal now actually - mask-wearing has been made voluntary; I’ve been going to more parties that don’t put a limit on guest count; events have been doing away with rapid test kits, etc... if anything, I miss the relationships that have faded because of the pandemic. Distance was such a great factor in this that by the time COVID was managed, people have found new friends, new interests; some of my friends permanently went back to their home province, never to return to Manila, etc. It completely slims down the chances of ever reuniting with them or of ever reuniting my friend group, which I find a bummer.
25 - What style of jeans/trousers are your favourite?
High-waisted denim jeans because they’re cute and I look cute in ‘em.
26 - Does it bother you when you recognise an actor but can't remember what else you've seen them in?
It does but an easy workaround for this is to just look up the actor’s filmography hahaha.
27 - Are you generally more introverted or extroverted? Does this have a negative impact on you in any way?
I’m extroverted but my social battery drains depending on the situation. If I’m in a group with people I 100% know and joke with, my battery is pretty much infinite hahaha. The more unfamiliar I am with people, the faster I lose interest; Bea occasionally calls me an ‘introverted extrovert’ because of this, haha. And not really, I don’t see any negative impact. Shifting from being an introvert to an extrovert in the last two years has been nothing but beneficial to me.
28 - If you were on Mastermind (a UK quiz show where you need in-depth knowledge of a certain subject), what would your preferred topic be?
My brain has racked up so much unnecessary trivia on the Twilight Saga and I’d absolutely crush that category.
29 - What's your favourite flavour of cookie? Have you ever tried those cookies that are stuffed with things like brownies or cheesecake?
Chocolate chip cookies! And yes I’ve tried stuffed ones and love them, especially cheesecake cookies. Cookies are one of my favorite desserts so I’m not very picky about them.
30 - When was the last time you tried out a new recipe? Did it work out as well as you hoped?
I don’t cook.
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oh! i was gonna ask about your packing and moving. i hope it all goes smoothly for you 🥰 i'm doing okay, kinda just relaxed yesterday to recoup after kcon haha also mood i'm still gonna be less active but i honestly missed the chris content i get to see on the regular for the last weekend 😭
oop forgot to add that i'm also getting ready for school too. i have to make a counseler appt. and it's not bad but hhh just my people nerves keep making me procrastinate 😭😭 i'm still online for school so it wouldn't be an in person meeting but still ;v; gonna do my best this sem. oh! and my mom said hi back btw!! <33
omg no i totally get that i hate even having to talk to ppl on the phone to make an appt even though those usually take like a minute lmao i always procrastinate making drs appts a cause i’m like we i’ll have to talk to someone and then go see someone?! but in the end we gotta eventually do it anyway. being adult is the worst, i need someone to do all of that for me so i can spend my time on important things like dramatically weeping over chris😮💨 but i hope it all works out smoothly i know school is like the most annoying with scheduling things at least you’re doing it online which is better then running around campus like a crazy person. and pls i love that me and ur mom have this pseudo friendship it’s so cute 💝💘💗💞
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hi baby! how are you?
i’m also super glad and thankful that my professor was super nice about it. it really felt good to get that off my chest too and i hope that made her understand that im committed to the program and everything despite my ✨anxiety✨. and your professor was so nice too☹️ i love when professors are actually understanding and don’t use the power dynamic card! thank you bb ily🫶🏻
mofongo is really freaking awesome! i love it so much it’s one of my faves. i hope someday you can eat some authentically good mofongo (our first date??🫡)
ateez prices are INSANE. i didn’t think they’d come so soon either, so imma skip this comeback😪 vip tickets are insane too. this’ll be you:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6ONKEEJZdP/?igsh=MXdjemhndTllNXV6Yw==
btww, in similar terms to vip, have you ever done it before? or had like fancalls with idols? bc im so curious about how it all works (i could never do one tho bc im terrified of human interaction).
im actually getting two small ones 👀 im so excited! i just saw your tattoos in a reply and they’re so cute😭 i love the BB lily of the valley!! i really want a flower tattoo next✨ i absolutely love flowers but most of them are so toxic to cats that im super scared of having any in my house.
frfr tho, dreaming about idols or celeb crushes is the worst!! i always feel so empty. it’s been a while since ive had any good skz dreams. i miss my bb minho </3
not allowed felix fic is super cute!! it’s not my fav from you (lost in translation ftw). but i thought it was such a nice breath of fresh air, f2l felix would be a super cute (and kinda realistic imo) trope.
on a happier note! my kitties are both injury free! we took them to get rechecked today and they said no more rechecks! (yay! great! we love that!)
ily bb!! i hope you have the best weekend. i drank another frozen coffee today, i can’t stop!! take care🫶🏻
-🐈⬛
HIIIII BABYYYY I am so good how are you!!!!!
We love supportive professors who actually WANT you to pass the class and acknowledge when you make a simple mistake instead of practically pushing you to fail or not care about the course 🫶💓 I hope the rest of the course goes smoothly for you and I’m always here if you need to vent about anything course related!! ILYYYYY
Also adding mofongo to our date checklist ASAPPPPP 📝📝📝
PLEASE…… why are the Ateez tickets like 4x the price 😭 I knew they were getting big but DAMN,,…..,,.💔 tickets go on sale next week and my sister and I are either trying for Oakland & LA or just VIP for Oakland if we can even get tickets LMAO 😭 ALSO THE HONGJOONG REEL PLEEASSEMRMCKCMDKD
I’ve never done VIP before!! Closest I’ve ever gotten was silver floor soundcheck tickets for BTS in Vegas but I’ve never done anything where you’re so close to an idol (although Jungkook & Namjoon stood right in front of us at some point and good LORDDDDD THEY ARE SO FINE…….) so crossing my fingers Ateez will be my first time !! I’ve never done a fancall either but I will be trying for next skz comeback bc I need to talk to Jisung so badly guys 😔 I have so much I need to say 😔 please 😔 I’ll keep you guys posted if I ever try for a fancall and what happens w Ateez!!!!!! I’m preemptively so nervous for Ateez if I don’t get tickets I will simply die 💔💔💔💔
AHHHH IM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOUR TATTOOS I AM SCREAMINGGGGG also thank youuuu I desperately need more tattoos!!! I too LOVE flowers but we never have any in the household bc momo chews everything and I know it’d get her in trouble lol
I haven’t had any skz dreams in a hot minute 😔 someone put Jisung in my dreams permanently please and thank u
PLEASE lost in translation Minho will likely remain everybody’s favorite and I am fully okay with that I love him so much. I’m so partial to WTRS Minho but Minho in general is so much fun to write for 💔
IM SO GLAD YOUR KITTIES ARE HEALTHY AHHHHH THAT’S THE BESTTTT NEWS 🫶🫶🫶🫶 I hope you have the best weekend my love!!!!! I brought out Jilix and got some cheesecake in your honor 🫶💘💖💕💗💓💞 ily bby !!!!
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feel free to read beneath the cut if you’re a queer woman ish person who’s had sex with a cishet man before and wants to give me some advice lol
i’ve decided im going to have sex with a cis man to see what it’s like, figure out some gender stuff, and first hand research on how penises work for writing reasons.
on bumble, i found the one in ~50 who doesn’t repulse me! i messaged him:
Hi [Name] - so I’m looking for something really specific haha. I’m trying to figure out some gender stuff, and I’m interested in having sex with a man with a penis. The way this would work for me is we’d meet up somewhere for coffee/lunch, then based on vibes etc, we’d determine if we want to see each other again for that :) Is that something you’re open to?
he said: That’s pretty interesting hahahaha. I might be down for that
we made some small talk (he has a couple of cats and an aussie named darby, he asked me if i like music games books, etc). we both live with our parents but he said “I’ve got a pretty big back seat I guess LMAO”. generally he has been extremely polite and not creepy at all despite the clear implication that i am a “virgin” to men with penises, and he seems friendly too.
it is his birthday this weekend so he is busy (also i’m going on a first date with someone who i’m actually interested in a relationship with on saturday), but he said he will let me know if he’s available for coffee on monday between 4 and 6.
his profile says his main hobby is video games. he’s two counties northwest of me aka lives in hick country and looks a little bit like it but in a very non intimidating way. he doesn’t show off muscles in any photo like so many of these men do, so i’m hoping he’s got a ‘dad bod’ or whatever. (i hope that doesn’t come off as me emasculating fat men; i just like fat ppl generally regardless of gender.)
i am optimistic! worst case scenario he actually does repulse me and i don’t have sex with him. best case scenario maybe i get him off in the back seat of his car (although i presume its a truck lol) and it sparks some realizations about everything i want it to slash helps me get some answers on those things! also im really really excited to see what a functioning penis is actually like
i don’t know what to do safety wise. my only irl friend is a 2 hour drive away for the next few months and i obviously cannot tell my catholic mother that her lesbian child is meeting up with a man i met on a dating app. she has my phone location at all times though, and ill share my location with my irl friend too so they know what’s going on. im not overly worried about safety??? however if i get in his car for sex stuff that’s theoretically the riskiest part. idk though i’ve never really considered safety on first dates??? like i don’t have a contingency plan for saturday other than having a phone on me, but i feel like bc this guy is a man i need to be more cognizant of safety. so if anyone has any advice on that, that’d be cool
also generally if anyone has been in a similar situation, lmk if you have advice or even just tell me what it was like for you bc im nosy lol. anons are open etc. also sorry if you read all this lol
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i’ve never gone through so many emotions within a 48 hr period 😩
i had such a huge meltdown thurs morning when i checked twitter and saw jq might not make it to philly. had to get through half a day of work and then went to the church where we had my grandma and aunt’s funeral bc i needed to ask them and god and the universe and the moon and ANYONE who would listen to send some magic to get jq to philly this weekend.
when i looked up at the church sign, the address was his birthday 😭
after they announced he’d be at the con on sun, i sped to the rental car place with 5 mins left until they cut off rentals for the day. 😅 finally got on the road to philly and there was a rainbow in front of me for the first 20 mins of the ride and the sky was so pretty tonight 🌈✨i think whoever was granting my wishes was saying sorry for the slip up bestie but i gotchu don’t worry
made it to the hotel and i can’t really get excited about quinnie boy being here until he’s here so. three days ago was when i finally admitted i was excited and that it was actually happening and then… BUT can’t wait to meet so many new friends tomorrow at the con and hopefully buy some cool stuff from artists~ gonna throw friendship bracelets at all the quinnies i see 🤠
after my trip to nyc last summer to try and see joe on fallon for the first time (before i even knew if he was gonna be in nyc), waiting outside of 30 rock at 2am, bonding with everyone there, being in the group of 10 that they took through security and up to the room right before letting ppl on to fallon and then they let ONLY ONE OF US GO THROUGH BC THEY SUPER OVERBOOKED HIS SHOW- and breaking down on the bathroom floor of the hotel room after and walking through time square just sobbing at midnight… i’m so glad that was the worst day of 2022 for me but to experience that emotion all again…i’m so exhausted lmao all bc of the most wonderful british dude and i would do it all again and it’s been such a long year but it feels like i’ll finally get to meet him and thank him from bringing eddie to life and bringing so much happiness into my life
i hope everything goes SO well for him on sunday and i’m so glad he’s just the best dude and i hope he gets overloaded with THE MOST AMOUNT OF LOVE EVER BC HE DESERVES NOTHING LESS
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hello hi greetings!
I am absolutely deceased after teaching my three back-to-back classes (gotta love my friday schedule lmao), but I just wanted to pop in and say fall out boy omgggggggg
I just gave the album the first listen-through, and I know it'll take a few more for me to form coherent opinions but atm I really like "what a time to be alive"!!!!
okay I literally cannot form any other comprehensible thoughts rn bc I am so flippin tired but I just wanted join in on the fob celebration!
hope you're having the best time basking in the new music!!
-🐍 🔪
Oh dear, I feel your pain!! Especially classes on a friday is the worst because you’re already yearning for the weekend and to REST 😩
AAAAAAAAH FELLOW FOB BESTIE!! YES!! Ok but once you listen to it again and absorb it better I’m gonna wanna know all about what you thought! I woke up like Kronk las night and went ‘THE NEW FOB ALBUM’ and didn’t sleep so I could listen to it and it was a whole experience. They went so hard, all the lyrics went straight for my soul! And then we listen to it with my students today during class, so it’s been a day 😅
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