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An authority figure who is super annoyed with somebody who has a bad cold. Think... conductor in an orchestra, sports coach... Somebody mean.
They go "What the fuck is wrong with you, [last name]?"
The person's voice is all thick and hoarse. "I have a cold, sir."
"A cold?" Cue the disgusted look.
Everyone feels so, so bad for this person, but they would never speak up. Too scary.
"Swear to god, if you don't stop sniffling right now, I'll stop being so polite."
A while later this authority figure is chewing the sickie out (again) for making some kind of mistake, yelling at them close to their face. They stop abruptly when a weird expression takes hold of sickie's face. There's confusion initially, then the cause becomes evident.
Sickie gets a withering look. "[Last name.] Don't you DARE -"
"heh'CHieWw!"
After that... the most intense eye contact ever. Sickie will either get... his throat ripped out or the most disgruntled "bless you" ever uttered.
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i come bearing gifts in the form of two phrases:
"we need to go inside, i'm getting sneezy"
"ugh i think this is a culmination of allergies and whatever fucking disgusting illness i have"
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The product of imaginings with @sicklymadscientist <3
Right before this, Angel narrowly avoided sneezing the thermometer out of his mouth
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little irl "obs" about my husband under the cut bc I know not everyone like the irl stuff!!
gnawing at the bars of my enclosure bc I called my husband about a work thing and he sneezed FOUR times in the two minute conversation & then stuffily said "you're welcome" after. sir, im about to come out of my fucking skin do not do this to me rn
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Okay so basically every time you post something new I go "this is my new favorite" but I really think *Then and Now* is my actual new favorite like it's literally so well written and when there's so much hurt (and also Greyson's character going deeper I LOVED), the sliver of comfort at the end really rounds it out with a bow and everything. So ty for your amazing works 💕
omg this is so nice!!! thank you so much 💗 hurt is my comfort zone lmao so I'm glad you enjoyed!! I loved writing it, there will definitely be more reed and grey in the future!
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Then & Now (M, cold)
Hiii, hope you like A LOT of hurt followed by 2-3 sentences of comfort lmao. This is Greyson fic - Grey is sick on a day he and Reed are supposed to have a date, and he's sure Reed is going to be angry with him because Trauma(TM). It's told in a flashback sort of format which I really enjoyed because I love writing blurbs of colds at different times in life lol. I hope you guys like it, please let me know what ya think, good, bad, or otherwise :)
CW: Male snz, cold, pneumonia mention, coughing, contagion mention, lots and lots of whump lmao. A little over 4K words under the cut.
Then & Now
Now
“Morning, Chef.”
“Huh-! HhITSZHH-ue!”
Elijah turned towards Greyson, who was doubled over into his hoodie sleeve, and gave him a sympathetic grimace. “Cooks finally pulled you under, hmm?”
“Ugh, like way fuckin’ under,” Greyson muttered, rubbing his eye and sucking in through his nose. “I feel like ass.”
“Sorry, dude,” Elijah said, tossing his counterpart a box of tissues. “Sucks.”
Greyson caught the box and pulled out a few just in time. “HITSZHZH-uhh!” This one, he managed to catch in the handful of tissues. He wiped his nose and shrugged. “Yeah,” he said, tossing the used tissues. “Mbostly because I was supposed to have a date tonight.”
Elijah smirked at his friend, who was pushing past the GM into their shared office. The two of them sat in unison. “Do you guys still call them dates? You’ve been official for, like, six months.”
“It’s our six-month anniversary,” Greyson said, his voice flattened by congestion. “We were going to do EMP.”
“Awww, now I’m depressed,” Elijah said. “Also, why didn’t you tell me earlier you were going to Eleven Madison? I still know people there.”
“So does Reed,” Greyson said, massaging his temple. “That’s why we were goigg. Fuck, mby fuckin’ head is pounding. Do we have any -?”
Elijah placed the ibuprofen in front of the chef before he could ask, along with a bottle of cough syrup and a decongestant. “You know we have it all,” he said, pushing an old cup of water across the desk for Greyson to swallow his arsenal of pills. “And fair enough. Well that fuckin’ sucks, dude, I’m sorry. Hey, at least you can leave early, right? Matt’s closing?”
“Yeah,” Greyson said, unwrapping a cough drop and popping it in his mouth. “I’ll head out once the rush is over. I still have to text Reee – hh...hhNTSHH-ue! HGTSHH-uhh!” Greyson doubled over, sneezed into his arm, and groaned. “I’mb gonna kill the guys when they get in,” he said, mostly to himself.
“Don’t do that,” Elijah said, placing a hand on Greyson’s shoulder on his way out of the office. “Then you’ll have to stay all night.”
Greyson huffed out a laugh and pulled out his phone. He clicked on his conversation with Reed, sighing. He did not want to have this conversation.
Greyson
9:31AM
hey babe. gonna have to cancel tonight, the cooks infected me w their plague :( im rly sorry.
The chef set his phone on the desk, prepared to either be ghosted or gaslit – two of Collin’s favorite pastimes whenever Greyson had had to cancel their plans during their relationship – and was shocked when the phone buzzed with a text almost immediately. He was almost afraid to look at his boyfriend’s response.
Reed
9:32AM
Oh, baby don’t be sorry!! what time are you off? I’ll pick you up and take you home :) we can do a sick day little date night instead!
Greyson stared at the phone, stunned. He couldn’t help it; he read the message again, then out loud said, “What the fuck?”
Then – Ten Years Ago
“Chef?”
The Executive Chef looked up from his paperwork at Greyson and sighed. “What is it, Abbott?”
“I, um – hh! HTSHH-uh! HGXTSH-ue! Snf. Umb, I just wanted to see if it was okay if I… left a little early today?” Greyson asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His chef raised his eyebrows and put his clipboard down. Oh, no, Greyson thought.
“Leave...early? And leave your clean up and prep to whom, exactly? Me?” The Executive Chef huffed out a laugh. “That’s rich, Abbott. Why the fuck would you need to leave early?”
“I…” Greyson started, but his voice gave out on the single syllable. He attempted to clear his throat. “I just… I really feel like shit? I was hoping I could, like… sleep it off, I guess. I mbean, I wouldn’t want to get anyone else sigck.” Greyson felt a cough bubbling to the surface; he tried to quell it, to no avail. The younger man collapsed into a coughing fit that felt like it lasted a lifetime.
The Chef remained unmoved. “My guys,” he said, placing a hand on his chest as Greyson attempted to compose himself, “don’t get sick, Abbott. And if they do, I don’t fucking hear about it. Understand? Because I really don’t give a shit. If you’re here, you’re here. If you decide to leave early,” he shrugged, uncaring, “then you leave for good. And Abbott, if you try to get a job after walking out of my kitchen, I promise you I will make it impossible. I know you’ve only been here a couple months, but here’s what you need to learn: put your head down and do your fucking job, and you can work anywhere in the world after this. Be a whiny piece of shit who tries to walk out on his shift, and you’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of you life. Got it?”
Greyson, too shocked to rebut, just bobbed his head up and down.
“Let me hear you say it,” the Chef said. Greyson cleared his throat.
“Yes, Chef,” he said. The Chef nodded.
“Now get the fuck out of my office.”
Now
“Elijah. Look at this text.”
The GM looked up slowly from the iPad where he was going over reservations for the evening. “...Why?” he asked, taking the phone from Greyson’s hand.
“Just look. Tell mbe that’s ndot weird,” Greyson said, crossing his arms over his chest. Elijah looked down, confused, and read the text. He pinched his eyebrows together just a little, and read it again. “See? Isn’t that weird?”
“Greyson…” Elijah said, handing the phone back. “That’s not weird.”
“Seriously?” Greyson asked, reading the text yet again. “It’s bizarre. He’s ndot even a little mad? C’mon. That’s weird.”
“He’s being sweet,” Elijah explained, slowly, as though he were talking to a toddler. “Did you want him to be mad? Because that’s bizarre.”
“Ndo I don’t want him to be mad. I jus – HTSZHH-ue! HRRSHH!” Greyson wrenched to the side to sneeze, which sent him into a fit of hacking coughs. “I just figured he’d want to, like, yell at mbe or something. For canceling,” Greyson finished, his voice strained against another cough. Elijah didn’t respond, not at first, and instead pressed a hand onto the chef’s forehead.
“I think you’re sicker than we thought, because you’re acting fucking delusional,” he said as Greyson slapped his hand away. “Greyson, normal people don’t yell at each other for getting sick, or having to cancel a plan. That’s, like, really twisted.”
Greyson rolled his eyes. “It’s ndot twisted, Lij you fuckin’ drama queen,” he said, then held up a finger. “Onesec – hh! Hh...hnn.” Greyson sniffled, a let out a little irritated cough. “Lost it.”
“Go back to the kitchen,” Elijah said, pointing towards the swinging doors. “Sit down. Rest. Let your medicine kick in. I don’t want people seeing this -” he gestured to Greyson, as if to allude to his entire being – “when they walk past the restaurant. Alright? Text your boyfriend something nice. Not something unhinged.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Greyson muttered, turning toward the kitchen, his phone still open to the conversation with Reed. He turned towards Elijah again before pushing through the kitchen doors. “I still say that this is the unhinged thing.”
“Go to therapy, Greyson,” Elijah said, not looking up from the iPad. Greyson rolled his eyes, pushed into the kitchen, and regarded his phone once again.
Greyson
10:07AM
thanks, babe. it’s ok, I can take care of myself. it wont be a long day, ill just grab some nyquil omw home and sleep it off. ill reschedule our rezo too, don’t worry about that. im really sorry again for canceling. if I could taste the food id still go lol.
Figuring that sounded at least relatively normal, Greyson hit send. He sat down at his desk once again and placed his head in his hands. No way he’s not pissed, Greyson thought, and he really believed it. In all his years of dating, he’d never met anyone who would respond that way; they’d at least have a snippy remark about the last-minute nature of the cancellation.
Greyson’s phone pinged once again, and he couldn’t help but grab it right away to assess the damage.
Reed
10:08AM
honey, please don’t apologize, seriously. youre sick, it happens, its no biggie :) I already moved the reservation to next week but if we need to ill move it again. james at emp said to tell you feel better btw.
Greyson blinked, dumbstruck. He started typing without thinking.
Greyson
10:10AM
you REALLY arent mad? seriously?
Reed
10:10AM
im really not mad. who gets mad at someone for being sick…? is someone at work mad at you? am I supposed to be mad..? lol
Greyson
10:11AM
I mean its a last minute cancellation. id understand if u were mad.
Reed
10:11AM
welllll….im not. is that ok? haha
Reed
10:15AM
grey…? you believe me, right?
Reed
10:21AM
greyson..?
Then – Seven Years Ago
He was moving through molasses.
Greyson placed a sluggish hand to his own forehead – you can’t check yourself for a fever, dumbass – and blinked painfully. He’d made it to work, he’d made it through the day, and he’d made it back home, against all odds. Now, he was stuck on his couch, unable to even crawl to the bathroom for a thermometer.
It had all compounded on him, was his guess. The endless fourteen hour days for the better part of two years at his thankless sous chef job. The shitty Chicago-suburbs apartment with no heat, where he froze for the few hours a week he slept. The near-constant drinking. Sure, he was only twenty-five, but what was it they said about this industry? It ages you in dog years. Yeah, that was it.
“Hh-! Hh...ITSZHH-ue! HTSHHH-ue!” Greyson sneezed helplessly into the blanket he’d wrapped around himself, and groaned. This was not what he’d imagined when he moved here from Minnesota. He’d thought it would be glamorous, working as a sous chef at a high-end hotel in a big city. He thought he’d have friends, or a girlfriend, or something. Instead, he was trapped on his couch, benched by a sinus infection and seasonal depression that seemed to last the whole year round. Fuck this, Greyson thought. He couldn’t get off the couch, but he could reach his phone; Greyson pulled up Indeed and changed his search parameters.
Actively searching for work. Location: Any.
Now
“Um… Chef? What’s, uh… what’s going on?”
Greyson paused for a moment, a crate of spoiled food held on his shoulder. He turned towards Matt, keen to answer, but instead held the crate tighter and wrenched to the side. “HRTTSHH-uh!”
“Bless you,” Matt said, an automatic reaction. Greyson nodded, turned towards the dumpster, and dumped the food in before beginning the cycle anew: pick up crate. Turn to sneeze. Dump old food. Matt wasn’t sure if he should help his boss, or go inside for backup.
He chose the former, picking a crate filled to the brim with rotten tomatoes off the ground and hoisting it into the trash. “You gonna tell me what’s up?” he asked as the two of them continued gathering and tossing.
Greyson sighed, pulled a hand down his face, and shook his head. “I thingk Reed and I are over,” he said, voice soft and throaty. Matt’s eyebrows shot up.
“What? Seriously? What did you do?” Matt asked, prompting a stuffy laugh from his boss.
“I just don’t thingk it’s going to work,” Greyson said, shrugging. “I… I don’t want to, like, play gambes. I can’t do that again, ndot after Collin.”
“Chef,” Matt said as he gathered and tossed the last milk crate, “what are you talking about? Reed is, like, the most straight-shooting guy I’ve ever met. How is he playing games?”
Greyson, left without anything to occupy his hands, just shrugged and pulled out his phone. He handed it to Matt without explanation, and the sous quickly read through the text conversation Greyson and Reed had going. Matt furrowed his brow.
“I don’t get it,” he said, handing the phone back. “He wants to take care of you, what’s the problem with that?”
“He doesn’t want to take care of me, he wants to have the upper hand,” Greyson explained, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and sitting on the step just outside the back door. “Want one?”
“Sure,” Matt said, sitting beside his boss. “I mean, you shouldn’t be smoking if you’re -”
“HTSHH! Hh-! ITZSHH-ue!” Greyson turned into his elbow, taking a long moment to gather himself before handing Matt his cigarette.
“-sick,” Matt finished. The older man shrugged, and Matt plucked the lighter out of Greyson’s hand to light both of them up, not daring to push his boss any closer to the edge. For a moment, they smoked in silence, only Greyson’s sniffles and coughs interrupting the quiet.
“Boss,” Matt said, finally, “I think you need to talk to Reed.”
“I did,” Greyson said, stubbing out his cigarette. “You saw.”
“No, I mean actually talk to him,” Matt said. The two of them stood, looking at each other – a face-off without the malice. Matt continued. “Not ignore his texts and clean out the walk-in.”
Greyson scoffed. “Matt, just because you have sombe fairy-tale love story doesn’t mbean everyone else does, too. Okay? If it’s over between me and Reed, it’s fine. I’mb better off alone, anywaa – hh! Hh… Hhhii-!” Greyson stood with his elbow poised at his face, stuck in pre-sneeze agony for what seemed like an eternity. While he was incapacitated, Matt took his phone and typed out a message that his boss couldn’t see. Finally, Greyson lowered his arm and sucked in, fruitlessly, through his nose. “The fugck are you doigg?” he asked, snatching his phone back from his sous.
“If you’re not going to talk to Reed,” Matt shrugged, unapologetic, “I will.”
Greyson looked down at his phone, which buzzed twice in his hand. Reed’s face popped up on the screen. Call from: reed <3
Then – Three Years Ago
“HTSHH! Huh! ETZSHH-ue! HRTTSHH-ue!”
“Bless, bless, bless you. Allergies?” Collin asked, not looking up from his phone. Greyson sniffled in vain, and coughed painfully.
“Ndot exactly,” he croaked from the doorway to Collin’s living room. “Baby, do you thingk you could drive mbe to urdent care, actually?”
Collin looked up and slowly raised an eyebrow. “For what?” he asked, obviously annoyed. Greyson swallowed as best he could and placed a hand on his throat.
“I thingk… I mbight have strep. Or bronchitis, or sombething. I, uh… I’ve had a fever for like. A week.” Greyson had to stop to close his eyes and grab onto the door frame, a sordid attempt to keep from hitting the floor like a rotten sack of potatoes. Collin rolled his eyes.
“You’re such a drama queen. You seemed fine when you came over last night.”
“You were asleep whend I came over,” Greyson said, his eyes still closed. “Did you ndot notice that I haven’t been over in like five days?”
Collin shrugged. “I mean, yeah, but I figured you were busy with work. You’re always busy with work,” he said, the venom in his voice making clear that he wanted to fight.
Greyson, physically incapable of fighting at that moment, just slid slowly to the ground and nodded. “Yeah. You’re right,” he said. “Ndow I’m paying the price. Please, baby. Can you please just take me? I… I really don’t feel well.”
It was pathetic. He knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself; he was fairly sure he was moments from passing out. Collin turned and made himself comfier on the couch.
“I’ll call you an uber,” he said, pressing some buttons on his phone. “You barely make time for me, and now you’re asking me to be your chauffeur? Please, Greyson.” He showed his ailing boyfriend the phone. “He’ll be out front in five minutes. Better make your way down.”
“Okay,” Greyson said, pulling himself slowly to his feet. “Thangk you.”
Collin didn’t say a word as Greyson let himself out of the apartment. He made it downstairs, and into the uber, and into the waiting room at urgent care. He made it out by himself, too, with a laundry list of prognoses – strep, sinus infection, walking pneumonia – and a handful of prescriptions. When he texted Collin later to fill him in, his boyfriend didn’t text back.
Greyson fell asleep on his shower floor and awoke to freezing water pounding on him, and a courier pounding on his door. When he toweled off and answered it, chicken soup from the local bodega and a note that read feel better -c sat at his feet. Greyson breathed a sigh of relief; at least he had been forgiven.
Now
Reed had dated plenty of men is his thirty-five years of life, and had found that there were two general categories when it came to sick men: there was the Baby, and there was the Don’t Look at Me.
Greyson though, an enigma since the moment they met, seemed to fall into a third category, a category that was, to Reed, yet undiscovered: the You Hate Me.
Reed was good with the first two categories; the Don’t Look at Me, you left medicine outside their room and texted them funny memes. The Baby, you laid in bed with them and spoon-fed them soup. Easy. Understandable. Truthfully, this was one of his favorite things about men: they were easy to crack. He figured Greyson would likely fall into the Baby category, which was fine by him – there was nothing he’d like more than to look after an ailing Greyson, to be honest. This third category he seemed to embody, though, was not something Reed knew what to do with.
“He didn’t answer when I called him,” Reed said into the phone receiver. “I just want to know what’s going on, I mean, did I say something wrong?”
On the other end of the line, Elijah sighed. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is just… it’s just Greyson being Greyson.”
Reed wasn’t about to take this lying down. “Hey, are you guys super busy tonight? I mean, I don’t want to be that boyfriend, but, like, can I come get him? We really need to talk, and if what Matt said is true he probably shouldn’t be, like, working anyway, right?”
While Elijah paused, Reed pulled the phone away from his ear and once again re-read the text Matt had sent from Greyson’s phone: hey reed, it’s matt. grey is sick as hell, so DO NOT take any of the crazy weird shit he says seriously, k? his temperature needs to lower by like 5 degrees before you do this, but u guys need to actually talk. he’s being stupid.
“Please,” Reed heard Elijah’s tinny voice on the other end and put the phone back to his ear. “Please, come and collect him. I’m begging.”
Reed stood from the couch and grabbed his keys. “Give me twenty minutes. I’m on my way.”
Then – Two Years Ago
“Heyyy, baby, cand I buy you a dringk?”
The girl leaned back, her face marked by disgust. “No, thanks. Save your money and get yourself some NyQuil,” she said, disappearing into the crowd. Greyson huffed out a sigh and coughed into his hand – a long, crackling sound that made the other bar patrons inch their chairs away.
“She’s right, you know,” the bartender – Skip, Greyson had learned his name was a few weeks back when he had started coming in every night – said, filling Greyson’s shot glass yet again. “You need to go home.”
“And yet you pour mbe another drink,” Greyson said, knocking back the shot. “The duality of mban. NGTXSH! HTSHH! Huh-! HRRSHH-ue!” Greyson covered his mouth lazily with one hand, wiped it on his pants, hand held the glass up to indicate ‘another’.
“Bless you,” Skip said, not pouring the shot. “Greyson, seriously: go home. You sound fucking awful.”
“Are you cutting mbe off?” Greyson asked, his rheumy eyes meeting Skip’s over the bartop. “Because unless you are, I’mb staying.” He coughed again, into his elbow; the cough was quickly becoming a problem. He’d had a cold two weeks ago; the symptoms had been mild, but the cough had hung around. When he caught whatever-the-fuck this was two days ago, the cough had turned from an annoyance to a pressing issue; he should go home. He should go to the doctor, he should take a day off, he should, he should, he should.
But he wouldn’t. He would stay, and he would drink until he was kicked out, then he’d pass out on the train and not make it home to sleep. He’d go to work at seven AM and stay until midnight and do it all again.
“I’m not kicking you out,” Skip sighed. “I’m just saying… you should take care of yourself.”
Greyson blinked slowly. He could feel his lungs, heavy with fluid, gearing up to cough again; his head, pounding in spite or because of the alcohol; his heart crushed into a million, Collin-sized pieces. Take care of yourself. It felt impossible, when you’d never been shown how.
“This is mbe taking care of myself,” he said, clearing his throat. “I’ll have another.”
Now
Greyson rested his head on a case of lettuce in the corner of the walk-in. He knew he should be continuing his madness of cleaning, but he’d accidentally sat down on his fifth trip into the refrigerator, and now he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get up again.
Fucking Reed, Greyson thought as he allowed the cold salad box to sate the fever he had burning in his brain. Why can’t he just be up front with me? If you’re mad just say it, don’t fucking torture me.
Perhaps deep down, he knew he was being ridiculous; Matt and Elijah were most likely correct. The simplest answer – that Reed truly was just a good guy – was probably the right one. But he just couldn’t get out of his mind all the times he’d reached out, needed help and asked for it, and been shot down. He certainly couldn’t allow himself to believe that the person he was dating was truly good; he knew he’d never deserve that.
“Greyson?”
Speaking of Reed, that sounded a lot like him – was Greyson hearing things? Had he, in his fever-addled state, conjured a hallucination of his boyfriend to have a fight with? Bizarre, Grey, he thought to himself. That’s really fucking bizarre.
“Grey? Elijah said you were in here but I don’t – oh!”
Either this was a really crazy hallucination, or that really was Reed standing over him, in the walk-in. Greyson blinked hard, then blinked again, and suddenly Reed was on the ground next to him.
“Babe...it’s really cold in here. Do you think we can, um, leave?”
Greyson furrowed his eyebrows together. “Leave… and go where?” he asked, his voice cracking. “I have to… work. What are you doigg heeee...HRTSHH-ue! Huh -! HTSHH! NTSHH! IGXTSH!” Greyson attempted to stifle over and over, until Reed gently took his hand and pulled it away from his face.
“That has to hurt,” Reed said, his voice quiet and calm. “You can just… sneeze, you know. Like, regular.”
“Tryigg ndot to get you,” Greyson croaked, his eyes glazing over once again. “Youbettermov – HRRETSZCHH-ue! ITSZZHH-ue! Fuck – NGTSHHZ-ue!” Greyson sneezed into his lap, then coughed until his lungs felt sore. Reed didn’t move; he came closer and rubbed Greyson’s back.
“Bless you, baby,” Reed said, eventually.
“Thangks. Sorry,” Greyson murmured, pushing his hair out of his face and turning to look at Reed. “Why are you here?” he asked, levity out the window.
Reed let out a little laugh. “Umm, why do you think?” he asked. “You’ve been ignoring me since this morning. I got worried, since Matt said you were super sick – no lie detected, by the way, you sound truly awful –”
“Sorry,” Greyson said again, wiping under his nose. “I kndow, it’s gross.”
“Please, Grey,” Reed said, taking both sides of his boyfriend’s face in his hands and looking him in the eye. “Please. Stop apologizing. It’s okay to be sick. I don’t understand why you think I’m angry at you. I’m not.”
Greyson swallowed, painfully, and gave a little nod. “Okay,” he said, finally.
“Okay,” Reed repeated. “Anyway. I called Elijah. He said to come and collect you.”
At this, Greyson couldn’t help but cough out a laugh. “Collect mbe?” he asked. Reed smiled a little.
“Yeah,” he said. “His words, not mine.”
They both laughed, softly at first, then ramping up to near-hysteria. They only stopped when Greyson started coughing again and couldn’t seem to stop.
“Let’s go get you some water,” Reed said, helping his boyfriend to his shaky feet. Greyson allowed himself to be pulled out of the walk-in, and given a bottle of water that was sitting on his prep station. Greyson drank until the fit subsided, then regarded Reed once again.
“So… you really aren’t mbad?” he asked, rubbing his goosebumped arms up and down. Reed shook his head and shrugged off his windbreaker. He draped it over Greyson’s shoulders.
“I’m really not mad,” he insisted. Greyson nodded, seemingly satiated. Reed sighed through his nose and slipped his arms around the chef.
“Life’s done a number on you, huh?” he asked, quietly enough that it could’ve just been to himself. Greyson huffed out a sad little laugh.
“Like you wouldn’t believe, baby,” he murmured, pressing his hot head into Reed’s hair. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”
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Then & Now (M, cold)
Hiii, hope you like A LOT of hurt followed by 2-3 sentences of comfort lmao. This is Greyson fic - Grey is sick on a day he and Reed are supposed to have a date, and he's sure Reed is going to be angry with him because Trauma(TM). It's told in a flashback sort of format which I really enjoyed because I love writing blurbs of colds at different times in life lol. I hope you guys like it, please let me know what ya think, good, bad, or otherwise :)
CW: Male snz, cold, pneumonia mention, coughing, contagion mention, lots and lots of whump lmao. A little over 4K words under the cut.
Then & Now
Now
“Morning, Chef.”
“Huh-! HhITSZHH-ue!”
Elijah turned towards Greyson, who was doubled over into his hoodie sleeve, and gave him a sympathetic grimace. “Cooks finally pulled you under, hmm?”
“Ugh, like way fuckin’ under,” Greyson muttered, rubbing his eye and sucking in through his nose. “I feel like ass.”
“Sorry, dude,” Elijah said, tossing his counterpart a box of tissues. “Sucks.”
Greyson caught the box and pulled out a few just in time. “HITSZHZH-uhh!” This one, he managed to catch in the handful of tissues. He wiped his nose and shrugged. “Yeah,” he said, tossing the used tissues. “Mbostly because I was supposed to have a date tonight.”
Elijah smirked at his friend, who was pushing past the GM into their shared office. The two of them sat in unison. “Do you guys still call them dates? You’ve been official for, like, six months.”
“It’s our six-month anniversary,” Greyson said, his voice flattened by congestion. “We were going to do EMP.”
“Awww, now I’m depressed,” Elijah said. “Also, why didn’t you tell me earlier you were going to Eleven Madison? I still know people there.”
“So does Reed,” Greyson said, massaging his temple. “That’s why we were goigg. Fuck, mby fuckin’ head is pounding. Do we have any -?”
Elijah placed the ibuprofen in front of the chef before he could ask, along with a bottle of cough syrup and a decongestant. “You know we have it all,” he said, pushing an old cup of water across the desk for Greyson to swallow his arsenal of pills. “And fair enough. Well that fuckin’ sucks, dude, I’m sorry. Hey, at least you can leave early, right? Matt’s closing?”
“Yeah,” Greyson said, unwrapping a cough drop and popping it in his mouth. “I’ll head out once the rush is over. I still have to text Reee – hh...hhNTSHH-ue! HGTSHH-uhh!” Greyson doubled over, sneezed into his arm, and groaned. “I’mb gonna kill the guys when they get in,” he said, mostly to himself.
“Don’t do that,” Elijah said, placing a hand on Greyson’s shoulder on his way out of the office. “Then you’ll have to stay all night.”
Greyson huffed out a laugh and pulled out his phone. He clicked on his conversation with Reed, sighing. He did not want to have this conversation.
Greyson
9:31AM
hey babe. gonna have to cancel tonight, the cooks infected me w their plague :( im rly sorry.
The chef set his phone on the desk, prepared to either be ghosted or gaslit – two of Collin’s favorite pastimes whenever Greyson had had to cancel their plans during their relationship – and was shocked when the phone buzzed with a text almost immediately. He was almost afraid to look at his boyfriend’s response.
Reed
9:32AM
Oh, baby don’t be sorry!! what time are you off? I’ll pick you up and take you home :) we can do a sick day little date night instead!
Greyson stared at the phone, stunned. He couldn’t help it; he read the message again, then out loud said, “What the fuck?”
Then – Ten Years Ago
“Chef?”
The Executive Chef looked up from his paperwork at Greyson and sighed. “What is it, Abbott?”
“I, um – hh! HTSHH-uh! HGXTSH-ue! Snf. Umb, I just wanted to see if it was okay if I… left a little early today?” Greyson asked, his voice barely above a whisper. His chef raised his eyebrows and put his clipboard down. Oh, no, Greyson thought.
“Leave...early? And leave your clean up and prep to whom, exactly? Me?” The Executive Chef huffed out a laugh. “That’s rich, Abbott. Why the fuck would you need to leave early?”
“I…” Greyson started, but his voice gave out on the single syllable. He attempted to clear his throat. “I just… I really feel like shit? I was hoping I could, like… sleep it off, I guess. I mbean, I wouldn’t want to get anyone else sigck.” Greyson felt a cough bubbling to the surface; he tried to quell it, to no avail. The younger man collapsed into a coughing fit that felt like it lasted a lifetime.
The Chef remained unmoved. “My guys,” he said, placing a hand on his chest as Greyson attempted to compose himself, “don’t get sick, Abbott. And if they do, I don’t fucking hear about it. Understand? Because I really don’t give a shit. If you’re here, you’re here. If you decide to leave early,” he shrugged, uncaring, “then you leave for good. And Abbott, if you try to get a job after walking out of my kitchen, I promise you I will make it impossible. I know you’ve only been here a couple months, but here’s what you need to learn: put your head down and do your fucking job, and you can work anywhere in the world after this. Be a whiny piece of shit who tries to walk out on his shift, and you’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of you life. Got it?”
Greyson, too shocked to rebut, just bobbed his head up and down.
“Let me hear you say it,” the Chef said. Greyson cleared his throat.
“Yes, Chef,” he said. The Chef nodded.
“Now get the fuck out of my office.”
Now
“Elijah. Look at this text.”
The GM looked up slowly from the iPad where he was going over reservations for the evening. “...Why?” he asked, taking the phone from Greyson’s hand.
“Just look. Tell mbe that’s ndot weird,” Greyson said, crossing his arms over his chest. Elijah looked down, confused, and read the text. He pinched his eyebrows together just a little, and read it again. “See? Isn’t that weird?”
“Greyson…” Elijah said, handing the phone back. “That’s not weird.”
“Seriously?” Greyson asked, reading the text yet again. “It’s bizarre. He’s ndot even a little mad? C’mon. That’s weird.”
“He’s being sweet,” Elijah explained, slowly, as though he were talking to a toddler. “Did you want him to be mad? Because that’s bizarre.”
“Ndo I don’t want him to be mad. I jus – HTSZHH-ue! HRRSHH!” Greyson wrenched to the side to sneeze, which sent him into a fit of hacking coughs. “I just figured he’d want to, like, yell at mbe or something. For canceling,” Greyson finished, his voice strained against another cough. Elijah didn’t respond, not at first, and instead pressed a hand onto the chef’s forehead.
“I think you’re sicker than we thought, because you’re acting fucking delusional,” he said as Greyson slapped his hand away. “Greyson, normal people don’t yell at each other for getting sick, or having to cancel a plan. That’s, like, really twisted.”
Greyson rolled his eyes. “It’s ndot twisted, Lij you fuckin’ drama queen,” he said, then held up a finger. “Onesec – hh! Hh...hnn.” Greyson sniffled, a let out a little irritated cough. “Lost it.”
“Go back to the kitchen,” Elijah said, pointing towards the swinging doors. “Sit down. Rest. Let your medicine kick in. I don’t want people seeing this -” he gestured to Greyson, as if to allude to his entire being – “when they walk past the restaurant. Alright? Text your boyfriend something nice. Not something unhinged.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Greyson muttered, turning toward the kitchen, his phone still open to the conversation with Reed. He turned towards Elijah again before pushing through the kitchen doors. “I still say that this is the unhinged thing.”
“Go to therapy, Greyson,” Elijah said, not looking up from the iPad. Greyson rolled his eyes, pushed into the kitchen, and regarded his phone once again.
Greyson
10:07AM
thanks, babe. it’s ok, I can take care of myself. it wont be a long day, ill just grab some nyquil omw home and sleep it off. ill reschedule our rezo too, don’t worry about that. im really sorry again for canceling. if I could taste the food id still go lol.
Figuring that sounded at least relatively normal, Greyson hit send. He sat down at his desk once again and placed his head in his hands. No way he’s not pissed, Greyson thought, and he really believed it. In all his years of dating, he’d never met anyone who would respond that way; they’d at least have a snippy remark about the last-minute nature of the cancellation.
Greyson’s phone pinged once again, and he couldn’t help but grab it right away to assess the damage.
Reed
10:08AM
honey, please don’t apologize, seriously. youre sick, it happens, its no biggie :) I already moved the reservation to next week but if we need to ill move it again. james at emp said to tell you feel better btw.
Greyson blinked, dumbstruck. He started typing without thinking.
Greyson
10:10AM
you REALLY arent mad? seriously?
Reed
10:10AM
im really not mad. who gets mad at someone for being sick…? is someone at work mad at you? am I supposed to be mad..? lol
Greyson
10:11AM
I mean its a last minute cancellation. id understand if u were mad.
Reed
10:11AM
welllll….im not. is that ok? haha
Reed
10:15AM
grey…? you believe me, right?
Reed
10:21AM
greyson..?
Then – Seven Years Ago
He was moving through molasses.
Greyson placed a sluggish hand to his own forehead – you can’t check yourself for a fever, dumbass – and blinked painfully. He’d made it to work, he’d made it through the day, and he’d made it back home, against all odds. Now, he was stuck on his couch, unable to even crawl to the bathroom for a thermometer.
It had all compounded on him, was his guess. The endless fourteen hour days for the better part of two years at his thankless sous chef job. The shitty Chicago-suburbs apartment with no heat, where he froze for the few hours a week he slept. The near-constant drinking. Sure, he was only twenty-five, but what was it they said about this industry? It ages you in dog years. Yeah, that was it.
“Hh-! Hh...ITSZHH-ue! HTSHHH-ue!” Greyson sneezed helplessly into the blanket he’d wrapped around himself, and groaned. This was not what he’d imagined when he moved here from Minnesota. He’d thought it would be glamorous, working as a sous chef at a high-end hotel in a big city. He thought he’d have friends, or a girlfriend, or something. Instead, he was trapped on his couch, benched by a sinus infection and seasonal depression that seemed to last the whole year round. Fuck this, Greyson thought. He couldn’t get off the couch, but he could reach his phone; Greyson pulled up Indeed and changed his search parameters.
Actively searching for work. Location: Any.
Now
“Um… Chef? What’s, uh… what’s going on?”
Greyson paused for a moment, a crate of spoiled food held on his shoulder. He turned towards Matt, keen to answer, but instead held the crate tighter and wrenched to the side. “HRTTSHH-uh!”
“Bless you,” Matt said, an automatic reaction. Greyson nodded, turned towards the dumpster, and dumped the food in before beginning the cycle anew: pick up crate. Turn to sneeze. Dump old food. Matt wasn’t sure if he should help his boss, or go inside for backup.
He chose the former, picking a crate filled to the brim with rotten tomatoes off the ground and hoisting it into the trash. “You gonna tell me what’s up?” he asked as the two of them continued gathering and tossing.
Greyson sighed, pulled a hand down his face, and shook his head. “I thingk Reed and I are over,” he said, voice soft and throaty. Matt’s eyebrows shot up.
“What? Seriously? What did you do?” Matt asked, prompting a stuffy laugh from his boss.
“I just don’t thingk it’s going to work,” Greyson said, shrugging. “I… I don’t want to, like, play gambes. I can’t do that again, ndot after Collin.”
“Chef,” Matt said as he gathered and tossed the last milk crate, “what are you talking about? Reed is, like, the most straight-shooting guy I’ve ever met. How is he playing games?”
Greyson, left without anything to occupy his hands, just shrugged and pulled out his phone. He handed it to Matt without explanation, and the sous quickly read through the text conversation Greyson and Reed had going. Matt furrowed his brow.
“I don’t get it,” he said, handing the phone back. “He wants to take care of you, what’s the problem with that?”
“He doesn’t want to take care of me, he wants to have the upper hand,” Greyson explained, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and sitting on the step just outside the back door. “Want one?”
“Sure,” Matt said, sitting beside his boss. “I mean, you shouldn’t be smoking if you’re -”
“HTSHH! Hh-! ITZSHH-ue!” Greyson turned into his elbow, taking a long moment to gather himself before handing Matt his cigarette.
“-sick,” Matt finished. The older man shrugged, and Matt plucked the lighter out of Greyson’s hand to light both of them up, not daring to push his boss any closer to the edge. For a moment, they smoked in silence, only Greyson’s sniffles and coughs interrupting the quiet.
“Boss,” Matt said, finally, “I think you need to talk to Reed.”
“I did,” Greyson said, stubbing out his cigarette. “You saw.”
“No, I mean actually talk to him,” Matt said. The two of them stood, looking at each other – a face-off without the malice. Matt continued. “Not ignore his texts and clean out the walk-in.”
Greyson scoffed. “Matt, just because you have sombe fairy-tale love story doesn’t mbean everyone else does, too. Okay? If it’s over between me and Reed, it’s fine. I’mb better off alone, anywaa – hh! Hh… Hhhii-!” Greyson stood with his elbow poised at his face, stuck in pre-sneeze agony for what seemed like an eternity. While he was incapacitated, Matt took his phone and typed out a message that his boss couldn’t see. Finally, Greyson lowered his arm and sucked in, fruitlessly, through his nose. “The fugck are you doigg?” he asked, snatching his phone back from his sous.
“If you’re not going to talk to Reed,” Matt shrugged, unapologetic, “I will.”
Greyson looked down at his phone, which buzzed twice in his hand. Reed’s face popped up on the screen. Call from: reed <3
Then – Three Years Ago
“HTSHH! Huh! ETZSHH-ue! HRTTSHH-ue!”
“Bless, bless, bless you. Allergies?” Collin asked, not looking up from his phone. Greyson sniffled in vain, and coughed painfully.
“Ndot exactly,” he croaked from the doorway to Collin’s living room. “Baby, do you thingk you could drive mbe to urdent care, actually?”
Collin looked up and slowly raised an eyebrow. “For what?” he asked, obviously annoyed. Greyson swallowed as best he could and placed a hand on his throat.
“I thingk… I mbight have strep. Or bronchitis, or sombething. I, uh… I’ve had a fever for like. A week.” Greyson had to stop to close his eyes and grab onto the door frame, a sordid attempt to keep from hitting the floor like a rotten sack of potatoes. Collin rolled his eyes.
“You’re such a drama queen. You seemed fine when you came over last night.”
“You were asleep whend I came over,” Greyson said, his eyes still closed. “Did you ndot notice that I haven’t been over in like five days?”
Collin shrugged. “I mean, yeah, but I figured you were busy with work. You’re always busy with work,” he said, the venom in his voice making clear that he wanted to fight.
Greyson, physically incapable of fighting at that moment, just slid slowly to the ground and nodded. “Yeah. You’re right,” he said. “Ndow I’m paying the price. Please, baby. Can you please just take me? I… I really don’t feel well.”
It was pathetic. He knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself; he was fairly sure he was moments from passing out. Collin turned and made himself comfier on the couch.
“I’ll call you an uber,” he said, pressing some buttons on his phone. “You barely make time for me, and now you’re asking me to be your chauffeur? Please, Greyson.” He showed his ailing boyfriend the phone. “He’ll be out front in five minutes. Better make your way down.”
“Okay,” Greyson said, pulling himself slowly to his feet. “Thangk you.”
Collin didn’t say a word as Greyson let himself out of the apartment. He made it downstairs, and into the uber, and into the waiting room at urgent care. He made it out by himself, too, with a laundry list of prognoses – strep, sinus infection, walking pneumonia – and a handful of prescriptions. When he texted Collin later to fill him in, his boyfriend didn’t text back.
Greyson fell asleep on his shower floor and awoke to freezing water pounding on him, and a courier pounding on his door. When he toweled off and answered it, chicken soup from the local bodega and a note that read feel better -c sat at his feet. Greyson breathed a sigh of relief; at least he had been forgiven.
Now
Reed had dated plenty of men is his thirty-five years of life, and had found that there were two general categories when it came to sick men: there was the Baby, and there was the Don’t Look at Me.
Greyson though, an enigma since the moment they met, seemed to fall into a third category, a category that was, to Reed, yet undiscovered: the You Hate Me.
Reed was good with the first two categories; the Don’t Look at Me, you left medicine outside their room and texted them funny memes. The Baby, you laid in bed with them and spoon-fed them soup. Easy. Understandable. Truthfully, this was one of his favorite things about men: they were easy to crack. He figured Greyson would likely fall into the Baby category, which was fine by him – there was nothing he’d like more than to look after an ailing Greyson, to be honest. This third category he seemed to embody, though, was not something Reed knew what to do with.
“He didn’t answer when I called him,” Reed said into the phone receiver. “I just want to know what’s going on, I mean, did I say something wrong?”
On the other end of the line, Elijah sighed. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. This is just… it’s just Greyson being Greyson.”
Reed wasn’t about to take this lying down. “Hey, are you guys super busy tonight? I mean, I don’t want to be that boyfriend, but, like, can I come get him? We really need to talk, and if what Matt said is true he probably shouldn’t be, like, working anyway, right?”
While Elijah paused, Reed pulled the phone away from his ear and once again re-read the text Matt had sent from Greyson’s phone: hey reed, it’s matt. grey is sick as hell, so DO NOT take any of the crazy weird shit he says seriously, k? his temperature needs to lower by like 5 degrees before you do this, but u guys need to actually talk. he’s being stupid.
“Please,” Reed heard Elijah’s tinny voice on the other end and put the phone back to his ear. “Please, come and collect him. I’m begging.”
Reed stood from the couch and grabbed his keys. “Give me twenty minutes. I’m on my way.”
Then – Two Years Ago
“Heyyy, baby, cand I buy you a dringk?”
The girl leaned back, her face marked by disgust. “No, thanks. Save your money and get yourself some NyQuil,” she said, disappearing into the crowd. Greyson huffed out a sigh and coughed into his hand – a long, crackling sound that made the other bar patrons inch their chairs away.
“She’s right, you know,” the bartender – Skip, Greyson had learned his name was a few weeks back when he had started coming in every night – said, filling Greyson’s shot glass yet again. “You need to go home.”
“And yet you pour mbe another drink,” Greyson said, knocking back the shot. “The duality of mban. NGTXSH! HTSHH! Huh-! HRRSHH-ue!” Greyson covered his mouth lazily with one hand, wiped it on his pants, hand held the glass up to indicate ‘another’.
“Bless you,” Skip said, not pouring the shot. “Greyson, seriously: go home. You sound fucking awful.”
“Are you cutting mbe off?” Greyson asked, his rheumy eyes meeting Skip’s over the bartop. “Because unless you are, I’mb staying.” He coughed again, into his elbow; the cough was quickly becoming a problem. He’d had a cold two weeks ago; the symptoms had been mild, but the cough had hung around. When he caught whatever-the-fuck this was two days ago, the cough had turned from an annoyance to a pressing issue; he should go home. He should go to the doctor, he should take a day off, he should, he should, he should.
But he wouldn’t. He would stay, and he would drink until he was kicked out, then he’d pass out on the train and not make it home to sleep. He’d go to work at seven AM and stay until midnight and do it all again.
“I’m not kicking you out,” Skip sighed. “I’m just saying… you should take care of yourself.”
Greyson blinked slowly. He could feel his lungs, heavy with fluid, gearing up to cough again; his head, pounding in spite or because of the alcohol; his heart crushed into a million, Collin-sized pieces. Take care of yourself. It felt impossible, when you’d never been shown how.
“This is mbe taking care of myself,” he said, clearing his throat. “I’ll have another.”
Now
Greyson rested his head on a case of lettuce in the corner of the walk-in. He knew he should be continuing his madness of cleaning, but he’d accidentally sat down on his fifth trip into the refrigerator, and now he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get up again.
Fucking Reed, Greyson thought as he allowed the cold salad box to sate the fever he had burning in his brain. Why can’t he just be up front with me? If you’re mad just say it, don’t fucking torture me.
Perhaps deep down, he knew he was being ridiculous; Matt and Elijah were most likely correct. The simplest answer – that Reed truly was just a good guy – was probably the right one. But he just couldn’t get out of his mind all the times he’d reached out, needed help and asked for it, and been shot down. He certainly couldn’t allow himself to believe that the person he was dating was truly good; he knew he’d never deserve that.
“Greyson?”
Speaking of Reed, that sounded a lot like him – was Greyson hearing things? Had he, in his fever-addled state, conjured a hallucination of his boyfriend to have a fight with? Bizarre, Grey, he thought to himself. That’s really fucking bizarre.
“Grey? Elijah said you were in here but I don’t – oh!”
Either this was a really crazy hallucination, or that really was Reed standing over him, in the walk-in. Greyson blinked hard, then blinked again, and suddenly Reed was on the ground next to him.
“Babe...it’s really cold in here. Do you think we can, um, leave?”
Greyson furrowed his eyebrows together. “Leave… and go where?” he asked, his voice cracking. “I have to… work. What are you doigg heeee...HRTSHH-ue! Huh -! HTSHH! NTSHH! IGXTSH!” Greyson attempted to stifle over and over, until Reed gently took his hand and pulled it away from his face.
“That has to hurt,” Reed said, his voice quiet and calm. “You can just… sneeze, you know. Like, regular.”
“Tryigg ndot to get you,” Greyson croaked, his eyes glazing over once again. “Youbettermov – HRRETSZCHH-ue! ITSZZHH-ue! Fuck – NGTSHHZ-ue!” Greyson sneezed into his lap, then coughed until his lungs felt sore. Reed didn’t move; he came closer and rubbed Greyson’s back.
“Bless you, baby,” Reed said, eventually.
“Thangks. Sorry,” Greyson murmured, pushing his hair out of his face and turning to look at Reed. “Why are you here?” he asked, levity out the window.
Reed let out a little laugh. “Umm, why do you think?” he asked. “You’ve been ignoring me since this morning. I got worried, since Matt said you were super sick – no lie detected, by the way, you sound truly awful –”
“Sorry,” Greyson said again, wiping under his nose. “I kndow, it’s gross.”
“Please, Grey,” Reed said, taking both sides of his boyfriend’s face in his hands and looking him in the eye. “Please. Stop apologizing. It’s okay to be sick. I don’t understand why you think I’m angry at you. I’m not.”
Greyson swallowed, painfully, and gave a little nod. “Okay,” he said, finally.
“Okay,” Reed repeated. “Anyway. I called Elijah. He said to come and collect you.”
At this, Greyson couldn’t help but cough out a laugh. “Collect mbe?” he asked. Reed smiled a little.
“Yeah,” he said. “His words, not mine.”
They both laughed, softly at first, then ramping up to near-hysteria. They only stopped when Greyson started coughing again and couldn’t seem to stop.
“Let’s go get you some water,” Reed said, helping his boyfriend to his shaky feet. Greyson allowed himself to be pulled out of the walk-in, and given a bottle of water that was sitting on his prep station. Greyson drank until the fit subsided, then regarded Reed once again.
“So… you really aren’t mbad?” he asked, rubbing his goosebumped arms up and down. Reed shook his head and shrugged off his windbreaker. He draped it over Greyson’s shoulders.
“I’m really not mad,” he insisted. Greyson nodded, seemingly satiated. Reed sighed through his nose and slipped his arms around the chef.
“Life’s done a number on you, huh?” he asked, quietly enough that it could’ve just been to himself. Greyson huffed out a sad little laugh.
“Like you wouldn’t believe, baby,” he murmured, pressing his hot head into Reed’s hair. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”
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whyyyy is writing 'hurt' SO easy and writing 'comfort' SO SO SO IMPOSSIBLY HARDDDDDD someone who likes writing comfort come give me a masterclass lmao
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“you sound like you’re getting a cold” voiced in the form of an outstretched glass of emergen-c and a reply of assent in the form of accepting it & taking a long sip
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feeling especially feral the past couple days and my husband woke up this morning and said 'i'm definitely coming down with something' GOD FUCKIN BLESS
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Folie Induite | H/azbin Hotel
Word count: 7.5K Content tags: snz with feelings, post-s1, possessive!Vox, rivals to sort-of-rivals, insults, casual cannibalism, voodoo, and wendigo imagery, fluff but they're both assholes about it Summary: Vox misses another opportunity to gloat. Though this time, it is voluntary.
༺𓆩☠︎︎𓆪༻
Vox rarely partakes in something so plebeian as mingling in the streets, but a promise is a promise and he’d promised the populi an upgrade to VoxTech’s anti-angel software. A red-market item, as it is, due to its consecrated volatility, and one that has Vox sneaking around the Sulphur District, collar upturned against the putrid, curdling stench of a breeze that smells like the armpits of a sumo wrestler. 
But hey. In his unsolicited opinion, a dollar bill is a dollar bill and enough dollar bills is well worth traipsing around the Bermuda Triangle of the Pride Ring for. Even if said neighborhood smells like the pits. 
…All this to say Vox finds himself rounding a corner and nearly walking into none other than his purported rival in the flesh. 
Ah. He had wondered why the streets had been so quiet and peaceful. The Radio Demon strolling along the edge of a curb like he owns the fucking place is enough to send anyone scurrying away, Vox presumes. He snorts to himself. Cowards, the lot of ‘em.
So, an encounter with his favorite luddite: not what Vox is expecting in the least, but undoubtedly a promise of either something epic or something humiliating (contingent on both what side of quixotic the Radio Demon is waxing at the moment and how much of Val’s soporific saliva is currently wending through Vox’s system).
Well, now. Vox daresay he deserves a boon for trekking out into the boondocks. He might as well have a little fun.
“Alastor!” he exclaims loudly, cheerily. The few smarter denizens on the streets make themselves scarce. If Alastor is surprised to see a guy like him in a place like this, he doesn’t show it. In fact, if it is any consolation to the rising temperature of Vox’s core processors, Alastor looks just as irked to see him as Vox is the Radio Demon. One hand wraps around his speaker staff, while the other clutches a bag of something dripping and tied with a bow that looks eerily like skin. Perhaps it is. Vox is…well acquainted with Alastor’s, ah, unique culinary preferences. You could say he’s well acquainted with a great deal of Alastor’s preferences.
“That is my name,” Alastor agrees, happily. It doesn’t reach his eyes. It never does. “Elected to join the masses today? How quaint.” 
“Well, duty calls,” Vox replies. “Can’t say I’m too surprised to see you here, though.” He regards a brackish stain on the sidewalk with thinly veiled disgust. “Seems like the kind a’ place you’d feel right at home.”
“Well, this is my district,” Alastor says, his smile a lit match to the pile of dry straw that is Vox’s ego. Same as ever. Vox doesn’t know why he’s expecting anything different now, after decades. Perhaps it is the, well. Recent events.
It had been all over the Triple Six, Vox News; even printed in the Legion: news that Alastor had crawled back to that blasted Hotel a week following the aborted Extermination. Simply because the fuckfaced flop had failed to be flensed by Adam. Like that was something to be rewarded for.
Screw that shit. “Glad you’re deigning to make an appearance after getting so completely fucked,” Vox says, grinning with a feral sort of satisfaction at the memory.  
Alastor’s only retaliation is a bored slant of his eyebrow. “Ah, articulate as ever, I see,” he murmurs, but offers nothing more. 
This causes the first twinges of abnormality to start nibbling at Vox’s metaphorical cables. During the rare instances they encounter each other in person, it usually goes like this: campy banter, snappy insults, increasingly violent insults, before it all goes tits up in Vox's face because let's face it, his fuse is considerably shorter than Alastor's (only his fuse, though).
Perhaps Alastor needs a reminder of their little dance.
“It certainly has been a while,” Vox exclaims. Makes a crude gesture to all of Alastor, whose other eyebrow quirks up in response. “Lately you’ve been as useless as the Pope's testicles! Finally realized your channel is no longer relevant?”
“Well, I do have a life outside of my broadcasts," Alastor replies, with a humored smile. It widens as he shrugs at Vox. "But I wasn't aware you missed me so!"
"Please," scoffs Vox. "I savor every moment not spent in your company like a fine wine."
Alastor's grin only stretches further and he angles forward. "Really? You'd think such a little mind would get so lonely in that big head of yours,” he laments. 
Vox recoils. "At least I don't look like something that eats its young."
He means it to be an insult, honest to...to Satan. Yet he must be out of practice because somehow it ends up sounding like a fucking compliment. And fine, granted, Alastor still carries that lean, predatory air to him that acts like his second skin, but there's a taut, almost pulled aspect to his delivery that has Vox running diagnostics in the background, trying to figure out what’s off about it.
"This has been," Alastor's lip curls, "nice, but I'm afraid I have better things to do than engage in this mawkish repartee today." The bag in his hand gives a moist crinkle as he jostles it for emphasis. Now, Alastor is a Voynich Manuscript of fucking enigmas on a good day. On a day like this one, when those electrical charges and forces of attraction are more confusing than enticing and the miasma of sulfur sticks to the fabric of his suit, Vox hasn't a hope of picking apart the rotten flotsam that suffices for Alastor's sanity.
So, he does what he does best.
“Well, have fun with your other hand,” Vox salutes, eye pinwheeling. His smile contorts and a molar bites into his lower lip. “…Unless it's wrapped around your Highness's little coochie, that is.”
Hm. Vox wouldn't say that hits a nerve, exactly, but the tufts on Alastor's ears give a twitch, the fur bristling and serrated for a split second before smoothing back down. Each flicker of his ears has Vox's internal sensors practically bathing in the likes of Lake Natron with how scalding they feel against the cool glass of his monitor. 
Alastor doesn't do twitchy. Never has.
“Why Vox! You say that like it's a bad thing,” he declares, drawing out the word. He beams. He beams, but his eyelids are batting. Vox controls the brightness of his screen with effort. Something is very, very wrong here. And he doesn't have a goddamned clue what. Could be Alastor's just fucking with him. Yanking his chain, as it were (though Vox wouldn't be caught double-dead using that expression because he would never, not in a million years). This isn't his style, though. So Vox decides to poke the bear a little more.
“Considering what a messed up little cockalorum you are, that tracks about as much as a wet sponge,” he grumbles, fully expecting to be met with something saucy at minimum. But Alastor merely wrinkles his nose and shows a couple more eyeteeth in lieu of a reply. The disquiet surges in Vox like a reboot, like the whip of dry, crackling deadgrass at his heels because it’s the wrong face, loquacious levels are too low, and his sensors aren't picking up anything glaringly obvious but all the same something here isn't right.
Another moment of silence–and not the fun, funeral kind–passes between them before curiosity finally wins the better of him and Vox blurts out, “What’s wrong with you?”
Alastor pauses. Posturing and twaddle is fine, but even he knows better than to bullshit Vox (at least on certain matters). This isn’t some lowly plaything bound by transactional fetters and obligation; this is the Eye of the Media. Anything less than the truth and Alastor’s signed himself up for a showdown. Pun absofuckinglutely intended.
“Mmmm, nothing I can’t handle,” he replies. The admission curls at the corners of his mouth curling like paper in flames. “And, if I recall, nothing that is even remotely your business!”
Vox snorts. A few sparks fly from his speakers, which Alastor eyes with distaste. And yeah, there is definitely something there, in the way Alastor carries himself, that’s setting Vox on edge (more than usual). He's about to make some sort of snarky comeback, likely involving Alastor's congress with various farm animals, when the Radio Demon goes completely rigid.
On edge turns into high alert. His antennae pop out with a little shick and his gaze darts around. Did someone catch wind of his business here? Vox tries to remember if he'd told anyone other than his assistant about this tr–
“EH’zchzt!”
…and promptly forgets all about it. The fuck. Did–did Alastor just–
“Was that a–”
Vox continues to gape as Alastor quickly and deftly whips out a silk handkerchief and unfolds it with his free hand.
It couldn’t be. But it was.
Holy shit.
With a temperament comparable to liquid acetone when it comes to all things Alastor, it is a wonder Vox doesn’t short-circuit on the spot at the display that is Alastor, the stuff monsters have nightmares about, swiping a delicate cloth beneath his nose in a see-sawing motion.
Although Vox cannot recall Alastor doing anything like this in all the decades he’s been around, him sneezing is nothing world-shattering. Shouldn’t be. They all do it on occasion.
The biology of the Afterlife, Vox has discovered, is more mystery than fact. Case in point being he has a fucking television for a head (and hadn’t that dysphoria taken a good couple of years post-mortem to manage, ladies and gents), but he is not unique in this regard. For Hell’s residents, the concept of physics is all that it is now–a concept, the real thing having died along with their humanity long ago.
But some laws remain. Granted they do still have bodies, albeit grotesque simulacrums of the things that were once called mortal. And even bodies such as theirs tend to do…well, body things. 
And, now that Vox has recovered from the initial shock of it, the whole thing is starting to be pretty damn funny. A real side-splitter. He allows himself a chuckle. To think, he had gotten all worked up over the fact that the Radio Demon'd simply had to sneeze. 
“Bless you.” Vox takes great care in drawing out the word, rolling it between his teeth and tongue and savoring its sweet taste because maybe this day isn’t shaping up to be a total clusterfuck after all.
Alastor’s face twists in a grimace. “Excuse me,” he says, dabbing at his nose once more with his handkerchief. 
And Vox, well, he’s still riding the high of seeing his rival taken down a peg yet again, so it is a minute before the implications of Alastor succumbing to a clearly undesired reflex come crashing down with more noise than Valentino throwing a dildo out the window. Namely, the fact that Alastor– the Radio Demon and near-strongest Overlord this side of Hell–was unable to suppress something so simple, while certainly amusing, cannot mean anything good.
“Nh!”
…and he’s about to do it again. Or not do it, Vox supposes.
That small, swallowed sound of indignation is all it takes for Vox to lose his train of thought. He cannot help but stare, transfixed, as Alastor’s sharp features waver and lose their satanic integrity.
The sneeze is slow to arrive, either due to a lack of urgency or Alastor’s formidable resistance to the process. Vox watches Alastor struggle against it. Lips, already grimacing, peel away from blackened gums as that small, upturned nose of his erupts into tiny little quivers. Alastor’s eyelids do not so much flutter as grow heavy and lidded as he squints in defiance against the mounting sensation.
All in all he puts up a good fight, but Vox knows better than most how difficult it is to stop sneezing once you’ve properly begun.
“҉EHkg’H̴z̴̴c̴̴h̴̴z̴zt!”
Ouch. Vox ignores the zap of feedback that accompanies the sneeze, sharp and crackling like cordite through his circuits and citrine in his wires. A nasty grin wends its way across his monitor. “Have you succumbed to the plague?” he inquires. He cocks his screen to the side. "How jejune. No! How…mortal."
“Hardly,” Alastor replies. The jibe is not enough to break him, and they both know it. He waves a dismissive hand. “The air simply does not agree with me.”
Well, that is something they can both agree on. Or, Alastor and Vox’s fans, anyway. They whirr, generating a hum that on any other occasion would be soothing. But Vox isn’t sneezing, as he is wont to do when cleaning out an influx of irritants from his processors, and now that he’s tuned in (hah) he recalls the weight Alastor’d put on the word hardly. The pieces begin to shift into place.
While Vox is computing, Alastor's snub nose gives a spasm, trying to rid itself of a tickle. Unsuccessfully, if the way he whips to the side with another sneeze not moments later is any indication. This one is louder, and catches on those fuzzed-out vocal chords of his. The action causes him to clear his throat in the aftermath before offering another reluctant pardon.
“Y–” The manual part of Vox’s brain that has been grappling for some sort of witty riposte freezes when it finally catches up to him; when he at last puts its virtual finger on what’s been so off-kilter about this whole undertaking. Because Alastor's also rubbing his chest with an irritated flick of his ears.
His chest. Fucking-A.
It’s almost as if…
Vox zeros in on the center of Alastor’s torso.
… there.
“Oh,” he breathes. Alastor’s eyelid tics when he realizes the conclusion Vox has come to. “Is that–no way. Are you telling me–”
“Not a word, Vox.” Alastor is still smiling behind his handkerchief even as the warning drips from him more caustic than battery acid. The disconnect is disturbing, to say the least. Especially with the veil of static piled thick and high over his normal mellifluous tones like a comfort blanket of sandpaper.
Vox narrows his eyes. He may not be the most intuitive demon out there, but he had just been balls deep in researching exorcist safeguards so he would have been a fool not to spot it. It is unmistakable, now that Vox is looking properly. That aura.
God, Adam. Well, not in the literal sense, but good lord. It barely takes a fleeting recollection of that fracas to get Vox hard. Again. A glimpse of the testosterone, the hubris, the raw power–and the cherry on top of Alastor on his knees–
“Welllll now,” he drawls, mainly to calm himself. And hey, boys and girls, let’s rub some salt in that cut because one, carpe fucking diem, and two, Alastor the A-hole deserves this. 
Vox guffaws, loud and showy. Leans into the normalcy of it amidst the abnormal. “Adam leave you a little parting something, huh?” he taunts.
Bad move.
Immediately, Vox feels the horrible sensation of crawling. Unseen tendrils snake their way under his skin, past his firewalls, corrupting his sensors. Outwardly, Alastor’s demeanor has not changed. He’s still tilting his head to the side at an unnatural angle, but his salient Cheshire grin is impossibly strained as he watches Vox struggle against the sickening twists of his insides coiling. Vox grits his teeth as everything he is is divulsed into writhing shadows and wire and fascia, unclear where he ends and Alastor begins.
(And oh-ho, despite the discomfort it has been a good long while since Vox has managed to hit a sore spot on that slippery, oily thing the other demon calls an ego. So yeah, worth it.)
Vox’s bionic eyes roll upwards to meet Alastor’s gaze and he waits for what feels like the first second of eternity to go by (neither one of them possess the biological need to blink, so staring contests tend to become quite lengthy). He waits, because the times he’s seen Alastor genuinely pissed off are…well, Vox can count them on one of his hands. A lesser demon would have been terrified. As it is Vox can taste the desiccated, windless air as it passes his lips and the beating of his heart turns to clicks of a dial. The Radio Demon is known for being a dichotomy when it comes to all things physical: quick to invade personal space, yet builds bastions against any contact not initiated himself. Vox cannot say he was expecting the breach of privacy, and certainly not in such a violating fashion, but he knows Alastor will not be able to maintain it for long, with how he's faring. 
He loves being right. Eventually Alastor is the first to break, retracting his neck and antlers, ichor seeping from his sclera like drops of food coloring in clear water. He smooths down his Saint Peter’s cross tie, subsequently giving his chest another rub. Vox takes a clean breath of air as his monitor resaturates to a normal glow.
“Sorry to disappoint, but this will pass,” Alastor declares. He refolds one end of his doggy bag comfortably, but Vox does not miss the way his right nostril tics every few seconds. Testy. Bothered. Vox cannot say he dislikes the new look. But he is preoccupied with giving his ports a quick sweep to eradicate any vestigial corruption, so he almost misses another one of those sneezes from Alastor. The sound is short–half-choked back and nowhere near relieving, if the way Alastor’s face crumbles anew says anything.
“I’ve heard holy light injuries are a special brand of suck,” Vox points out. Slightly less smug than before, but hey. You win some, you lose some. He holds up a palm. “Hearsay, of course. Never been fucked up that badly before.” The hand lowers to rest on his hip. “What’s it like?”
“Itchy,” Alastor hums, though his features are anything but musical. His teeth are bared in an unhappy grin, and his nose creases like the word is a harbinger of the thing itself. 
Vox tisks. “And right over your lungs, too. That’s gotta be a biiiiitch.”
“Quite,” Alastor breathes. The crease along the center of his nose has deepened. Vox takes a preparatory step backwards–not because he thinks Alastor is petty enough to sneeze on him, but because he doesn’t think Alastor has much control at all over this display.
How delicious.
Vox drinks it all in: the small bob of Alastor’s throat beneath his bow tie, the ripple of his shoulders, the almost silent gasps as Alastor’s own body accomplishes more damage than Vox could ever inflict.
“Hah, you look so fuckin’ pathetic right now!" he sniggers. “I can’t even!” 
Unable to offer any verbal response, Alastor resorts to flipping him the bird as he hitches toward a sneeze. And just like that, Vox’s maniacal grin wilts by a few molars.
Because even for Alastor, the finger gesture is crude and weak and enough out of character that Vox’s enjoyment is soured by the uncomfortable prickling that comes with the natural balance of things being thrown out of whack.
“EH’zchzt! Ugh. Ce qui la b…b-baise–EH’zchzt!”
Something deep within Vox’s programming squirms. With what, exactly, it's hard to pinpoint. He waves a hand at Alastor’s face. “Hey. Stop doing that.”
As if to spite him, a third sneeze bursts forth, breaking the pattern. And then, to Vox’s horror, Alastor just keeps going.
Awkward is never a word Vox would associate with either of them, but he finds he needs to cross his arms while he waits for Alastor’s sensitive nose to conclude its rebellion. This time, it does not seem appeased with simply one or two, and Alastor continues to hitch, gasp, and direct consecutive sneezes into the wilting folds of his handkerchief.
After about six slow, wrenching things that bend and twist Alastor’s frame forward into improbable angles he catches a break, turning away from Vox to blow his nose. Properly, this time, judging by how wet it sounds. When he surfaces at last the skin around his nostrils, cheekbones, and eyes has become flushed and irritated-looking.
Vox smirks as Alastor knuckles and pinches his nose through the cloth, raising an eyebrow. “You finished?”
“For–” a cough that grates on Vox’s internal speakers. “Excuse me. For now, it seems.” Alastor gives his head a little shake as he pockets the ‘kerchief, monocle chain rattling softly with the motion. Vox feels his smirk curdle. He had fully anticipated that weakness to fuel his delight, light the fire in his pants and all that, but somehow, it has the opposite effect. Which is bizarre, because Vox should be rolling–no, fucking bathing in Schadenfreude. Seeing Alastor miserable is what Vox lives for, after all.
(He hasn’t always.)
The handkerchief is suddenly whipped out with a speed and deftness Vox hadn’t thought possible, as Alastor gives a wavering gasp, and–
“EH’̴z̴̴c̴̴h̴̴z̴̴t̴!”
There is a pop and a fizzing crackle from some nearby electronic too weak to handle the frequency. Alastor, likewise, looks like someone just pissed in his Rice Krispies as he snarls in annoyance.
Vox should leave him. Or better yet, film it. Have people assume he did this. Oh, but the ratings would be subpar at best, Vox concludes, with a disgruntled pinwheel of his hypnotic eye. Something so subtly weakening is not befitting his grandiose style one bit. No siree. 
He is contemplating the best course of action when Alastor stumbles forward.
Well, not exactly. It is more of a sidestep; a shifting weight that gives the illusion of perfect balance as Alastor rights himself without a second’s notice. And promptly sucks in a gasp of air.
Vox watches this display with an incredulous snort. “Seriously? Again?”
Now Alastor is the one scowling, though it warps and writhes on his face in tandem with his flaring nostrils. He takes a final breath before snapping forward with an itchy “H’zchzt! Snf! It is n-nahhEHg’҉H҉҉z҉chzzt! Ah, fuck.”
Like Alastor cannot seem to help the sneeze, Vox cannot help the hiss of secondhand embarrassment that escapes him through pursed lips as Alastor does not get the handkerchief up in time for that second one. 
“Eyysh, good gods, Alastor.”
Over the folds of the cloth Alastor gives Vox a watery look that, on anyone else, Vox might have called apologetic.
Then Vox reminds himself of who this is they are talking about. Gumption is a lost thing on the Atelier of Screams. No; Alastor would not feel sorry for something he cannot help. Just as Vox would not feel sympathy for something he is supposed to savor.
Alastor gives one side of his nose (turning a permanent pink, Vox observes) a swift rub and says, “Beezer’s working hard to expel irritants, it seems.” He taps his chin with a plum-gloved finger. “Though I cannot tell who is winning.”
You sure got that right, Vox thinks. Guy’s really not looking too good. If he so wished, Vox could tap into Alastor’s demonic energy on a higher frequency, as easy as sliding a knife through warm butter. Now that he knows what’s up he is supremely glad he didn’t do so before. With that holy light, it would have been like sticking his hand into a toaster.
“EH’zchzt!” A soft groan. That was what, sneeze number eight, now? Jesus.
“Well, in the words of Vonnegut,” Vox informs him, smile definitely not forced in any way, “they say if you die horribly on television, you will have provided us with adequate entertainment.”
Fuck, even their scathing repartee is suffering from this. Resorting to quotes? What sort of monster has he become? Unlike Val, who has difficulty ad-libbing farts after a baked bean dinner, comebacks come smooth as cream to Vox. Alastor too, though the latter tends to spout stale, dated junk like a Pez dispenser (shit, maybe Vox is a little hungry).
“Speaking of,” Alastor notes, cutting into Vox’s food for thought, “why aren't you filming?”
The right answer, the correct answer is there’s little point in gloating over something Vox can’t take the credit for. No way he’s ever gonna admit he wants Alastor all to himself when he’s like this. Everyone knows Vox and his dick are drawn to power, but he also goes nuts for the exertion of power over others in a base, Darwinian way that those with crasser vocabularies would deign to call “lizard brain.” That’s giving lizards too much credit, in Vox’s opinion.
 So, the truth? Vox is a possessive piece shit and his desire to see a little more of this subdued, weakened Alastor is climbing through the fucking roof right now.
Vox’s dry throat clicks as he swallows. Also. The idea of anyone else feasting their unworthy eyes on Alastor when he’s like this–
Unacceptable. The Radio Demon’s humiliation right now belongs to Vox and Vox alone, and fuck sideways anyone who claims otherwise.
In the end Vox settles for, “Not worth my channel,” and grins when Alastor’s ears give an annoyed twitch to the side.
“Now, now,” Alastor chides, waggling a finger at him, “that’s nothing new. You couldn’t afford me then, and you can’t afford me now!”
“Okay, fine! I’m on top-secret business, fuck you,” is the answer Vox serves up. “Notttt exactly legal.” Technically, it’s even true. Alastor opens his maw to retort but instead barks out another two of those awful coughs that sound like a cassette tape being puréed in a NutriBullet. 
Vox’s antennae give a pernicious blip. He doesn’t do concerned. It’s not in his code. He’s a sinner, sycophant supreme, top-notch blasphemer and fucking proud of it, thank you very much. 
“Eh…”
Alastor is struggling grimly with the urge to sneeze now. Vox waits, but after a minute the Radio Demon emerges from the folds of his handkerchief victorious, thumbing the pointed tip of his nose and exhaling with a little, “Whoo.”
Vox’s top lip curls in revulsion as his rival lets out a wet, clogged sniffle. The bastard is intentionally making this more difficult for him. He is sure of it. Another sniff and massaging of sternum, and for the love of–
“H’zchzt! Snf! Ng. HehhhEH’kzgt!”
Jesus's balls.
Vox hears himself asking, “‘The fuck you come out like this?”
Alastor gives a mildly surprised blink. After a moment of deliberation (and more sniffling) he shrugs and holds up the goddamn skin-bow bag. “Man’s gotta eat,” he says.
No, Vox doesn’t do concerned, but this isn’t turning out as fun as he had anticipated. Kicking a dead horse–or deer, as it were–sounded like a gas, but in practice Vox can think of better ways to get his jollies. 
As if hearing this wavelength, Alastor tilts his head. Just his head. His neck stays in place. “Penny for your thoughts,” he drawls. The filter does a poor job of masking how wrecked his voice is. 
Now, the sensible thing to do here is to loudly inform Alastor just where he can shove his penny, along with the whole fucking piggy bank because that is the Natural Order of Things. And the Natural Order of Things is bitter. Bitter and sharp. Not mushy. 
Not like his heart is a beating thing rather than the binary code he pretends it is.
Oh, Vox is going to regret this bigtime.
“Listen up, fucknuts,” he snaps. Alastor raises an eyebrow at the lame insult, but lifts his hands in an amused, placating gesture when Vox growls at him. And maybe Vox does it just to see the Radio Demon’s glib return, despite it pushing all of his buttons.
Because the alternative is just too fucking weird.
“I need a damn drink,” Vox informs Alastor, jabbing a finger at him. “And you’re coming with me.”
The smile pulls taut. Alastor squints at Vox like his television has grown wings, or some shit. “Funny, I don’t recall a rendezvous on my schedule.”
“Yeah, funny,” Vox grouses. Because isn’t it just? He gnashes his teeth, hoping it distracts Alastor from the noise of his fans whirring. He scans his databases for nearby cafés that won’t put him in a coma and locates one not far from them. He informs Alastor of such, and for good measure tacks on a, “And you’re gonna get something hot in you so you can get back to your shitty-ass broadcasts because I haven't had anything to insult all week 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚋𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐.” This last bit is squeezed out with some extra station static on his end; an admission carefully enunciated so it's clear Vox isn't talking out of his ass. Or any other orifice in question.
“And just why would I do that?” inquires Alastor. “Don’t tell me you wish to be my friend again, Vox!” He grins. “People who try that generally tend to disappear.”
“And resurface in your plumbing system,” Vox adds, with a roll of his eyes. Then continues before Alastor can protest. “Look, dickface. This isn’t a deal, or anything. Hohh, no. I’m not into that Faustian fuckery.”
“No? And yet you bind yourself to others for success. That does seem a bit contradictory there, doesn’t it?”
Vox pulls a face. “I’m not binding my–you–” he gives an exasperated sigh. “You know, you’re so unwilling to try anything new it’s fucking sad. And before you say some shit like–” he raises his voice and warbles out a piss-poor imitation of Alastor’s trill–” ‘newer isn’t always better, hyuck, hyuck,’ just remember that there is strength in numbers.”
Alastor looks unimpressed. “If this is you trying to proposition me, you’re doing an extremely bad job of it,” he declares.
“See, this is why it never would have worked,” grumbles Vox. 
“Exactly! We are rivals, after all.” Alastor leans forward on his microphone, eyes mydriatic and just a touch too rheumy to be healthy. “Or was all that bluffing?”
Vox shows a bit of his own teeth. “We’re trucing, you dolt.”
Alastor, to his credit, jut blinks. “Last I checked, that is not a verb.”
“Whatever it is, shut up before I change my mind.”
Alastor tries another tactic: annoying Vox into reconsidering. “Why, a change of mind, you say?” he asks, grinning. “And what makes you think this one will be an improvement?”
Asshole. “Uh, breaking news–have you seen yourself?” Vox scoffs. 
“Breaking news? Docusoap, more likely,” Alastor mutters, though quieter and so layered with static Vox almost doesn’t hear it. He’s begun to wriggle and twitch his nose around, almost like a rabbit would.
The sight makes Vox cackle. “Oh my god, you’re so off your game this isn’t even fun anymore,” he crows. He twirls in contradictory glee. “What would the press say?”
Alastor starts with a, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…” before he crunches in with a sound Vox did not think possible for demonic vocal chords to make. Vox assumes that was a sneeze, or a cough, or some weird hybrid of the two mixed in with a little radio feedback for shits and giggles. Well, minus the shits and giggles part. Alastor straightens up, looking less than pleased with the whole affair.
“This is too pathetic,” Vox tells him, snickering. “I can’t afford to be seen with you–that’s how fucked up you are right now.” 
“No one’s forcing you to remain here, my good man.” And there are too many nasal consonants in that taunt to sound even remotely offensive.
“Good point,” Vox says. “Let’s split. The menu’s a fucking Ripley Scroll so I’m sure you’ll find something that, ah, suits you.”
Alastor eyes him suspiciously. Whatever mind Vox has substituted for his own, it seems he’s made it up.
“Very well,” he sighs, with a shrug. Vox doesn’t miss the way all of this is done with his eyes, like he is avoiding any extraneous movements.
Alastor manages not to embarrass them en route to the café–mainly because there is literally no one around to bear witness to a pair of Overlords strutting the streets. Alastor probably has something to do with that, if the low-hertz buzz Vox detects around them says anything.
The café, to Vox’s relief, is similarly deserted, save for a barista with far too many hands and legs for comfort. Alastor hangs back in an umbra of skeined shadows, but eventually pokes around to observe the menu in more detail. After some deliberation he hums and points to the most expensive drink on the menu–a fancy thing the color of hysteria with heather leaves. Naturally.
“To go,” Alastor corrects. And just because he can, adds a bit of glittering vèvè against the walls of the parlor, casting it into weird angles and glows. Vox recognizes Ayizan among the cosmograms, but cannot decipher the others.
The barista may not know Vodou, but nevertheless is practically shitting themselves. Good, Vox thinks. Can’t have anyone thinking they’re all chummy, or some equally detestable happy-crappy.
The drinks arrive with unnatural swiftness: Vox’s a dark and gristly coffee with half-soured cream and Alastor’s, well. Vox doesn’t even wanna know. It smells vile, mingling with the odors of meat and rotten eggs and thank Hell Vox’s fans can filter most of that dreck out.
The register beeps, and Vox nearly spit-takes when he glimpses the total. Nearly–he does have some manners, after all. “Uh, my treat,” he says, in a small voice filled with regrets for his afterlife choices.
“Why Vox! I do exclaim,” says Alastor, looking comically miffed, “go Dutch, or go home and stop wasting my time.”
Vox’s monitor glitches. “Are you shitting me right now?”
“I can assure you, there is no shit ihhn…snf! Involved.”
You know what, fuck manners. Vox is going to kill him. He has to visibly stop himself from becoming unhinged, because then that really would attract the cameras. 
“Actually, I have a better idea,” he says, turning towards the barista. His left eye lights up the room.
“𝚆𝚎’𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚙𝚊𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙸𝚗 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚝, 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛𝚎 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚊𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜.”
And okay, he may have laid it on a bit thick because the poor soul simply stares off into space afterwards, slab of drool depending like a yo-yo closer and closer to the countertop. Sue him; he needed to let off the steam.
There is a secluded bench out back, just as the Hellp reviews stated. Alastor lets his Vaudevillian veneer wilt a bit as he sags onto a high-backed stool. He rests the side of his head against the seat and closes his eyes. It is, Vox realizes, a frankly shocking display of submissiveness from his arch-rival.
Alastor's drink bubbles. Vox can see the heather floating atop the thing like slimy bruises. Ugh. If the tea looks like that, he shudders to imagine the main course. So he kicks his foot in the direction of Alastor’s doggie bag with a disgruntled blip to gain Alastor’s attention.
Alastor’s eyes slide open and follow where Vox is looking. “Peckish?” he jokes. “You could have just said.”
“Ugh, as if,” Vox groans. “Just. Please don’t eat that here. I don’t think this place has a ‘bring your own…viscera’ policy. Heh, probably can’t handle, uh, whatever it is. Whoever it is.”
“Sounds like this place isn’t the only thing,” Alastor remarks. He gives an obscene little wink. “Just an inkling.”
Gods, Vox doesn’t need a coffee; he needs a motherfucking Head Cleaner when he gets back to the Tower for the severe emotional trauma this outing will cause. Something must display on his screen, because Alastor’s face brightens.  
“Oh, don’t worry your pretty little plasma off,” he chuckles. Despite the abstruse humor it sounds washed-out and tired. At least to Vox. “Besides. I don’t partake in gourmet delicacies within such…establishments.” 
“Oh? But you’ll keep doing that?” Vox asks, as Alastor gives his nose a light blow. Alastor simply hurms, electing to take a sip of his drink.
Big mistake, as it turns out. Vox almost rushes to get the proverbial popcorn as Alastor’s nose wrinkles violently at the condensation and he lets out a rapid, furious “HGshht!” that has Vox nearly snorting coffee through his screen.
A gateway sneeze, as it turns out, paving the way for others brought on by the drink’s flavored steam. Alastor teeters hopelessly on the cusp of another, his face an itchy mire of helplessness and desperation before he slams down his mug and veers away from the table with–
“EH’zchzt! EH’zchgzt! HG–”
In a rare lack of grace (hah) Alastor crushes his nose between the sides of his thumb and index finger in an attempt to satisfy that deep-seated itch. However, the act only succeeds in trapping the tickle thoroughly in his nose and making things so much worse.
Ah, holy light: the gift that keeps on giving. Vox finds a sliver of mirth returning.
The stifles…aren’t working out so great for Alastor. With no relief to be found his body attempts the same thing over and over, resulting in a paroxysm of sneezes unlike Vox has seen in anyone before.
Vox grins around his coffee. “By all means, keep going,” he exclaims. He has to raise his voice to be heard over the sound of repeated stifling. “I do love watching you making an ass of yourself. Shit’s better than one of Val’s telenovelas.”
“Ngzxkt! Hh! Ngzxkt! HNgzx̵k̷t! Ngz̶͖̣̜͆x̵̥͕̂̓̀k̴͓̰̉̀́t̴̛̟̦͋!̶̲̕ ̵̹̑ Fuhhckȼħħƶǥŧ!”
Perhaps it is the pink tears squeezing out from between Alastor’s closed eyelids. Perhaps it is the sheer ludicrousy of watching the Radio Demon felled by a case of angelic sniffles. Perhaps it is the mounting static in the air. Or. Perhaps it is something Vox himself cannot put into words. In the moment, he is unable to say why he does it.
“Ngzxkt! Hk'Ngzxkt! Nk'G҉z̶͖̣̜͆x̵̥͕̂̓̀k̴͓̰̉̀́t̴̛̟̦͋!̶̲̕ ̵̹̑! Hg’Ngz҉z̶͖̣̜͆x̵̥͕̂̓̀k̴͓̰̉̀́t̴̛̟̦͋!̶̲̕ ̵̹̑! Nch–!”
Grabs Alastor’s hand, that is–the one clamped in a deathlock around his nose. The skin is cold and buzzes unpleasantly under Vox’s own as he tugs Alastor’s hand away from his face. 
“̴!̸?̵”̶
Alastor’s eyes fly open in unbridled surprise. Between one sneeze and the next all he can manage is a strangled yelp, and if Vox weren’t so peeved by the whole thing he would have found it hilarious.
As it is, that feedback under his skin is starting to get on his literal nerves, so he scowls. “Don’t, you ass,” he bites out. 
“Wha, hahh–”
“Squelch them like that.” 
Confused as he is Alastor tries his best to respond, or at least to retain some semblance of courtesy ‘till the very end but alas, the sensation proves too much for him. His teeth are clenched in a prickly snarl, nose crinkled and spasming, tears flowing from his bleary vermillion eyes. 
Fuck. Forget seeing Alastor on his knees and bleeding. This is, is–
Most of them here are intimately familiar with the tools of the trade. And by that Vox means torture. The Judas Chair. The Rack. Scold’s Bridal (to hold your tongue). The Heretic’s Fork. Even the Spider. 
But holy sneezing? Huh. Who woulda thunk this better than all of them?
“V-Vahh, ahhx, ̷h̷̷h̷!!”
Right, Alastor. The demon is a fucking wreck, so thoroughly overtaken by gasps and hitches and itch that it’s doing something to Vox, goddamn it. Vox almost forgets to release Alastor’s bony wrist in time. 
Alastor takes a shaky step back, hiding his face. Vox can still see his slitted eyes, open mouth, blown nostrils trembling well past the point of no return. The sneeze balks, recalcitrant now that it’s been given its desired freedom. As it crests the world seems to still, waiting. 
But the dam soon breaks.
“Ah, hah, hohdear–EhhHG’Ⱨ̸̢̮͈͊̌̑̌͋Ⱬ̴͇̮̽͋͆̏̇ͅͅ₵̷̠̕Ⱨ̴̬̏̃̈́Ⱬ̵̝̩̔̕Ⱬ̷̞͗₮̶̂̈̚ͅ!̴͖͂̾̉̕͝”̷̞̙̺̳̩̑͐̑”
Every bulb in the back patio of the café shatters. Vox curses and pivots away from the shower of glass. His suit is Benson and Clegg, dammit, not Bits-o'-broken Bulb and Clegg.
“Hah, Ⱨ₲’ⱧⱫ₵ⱧⱫⱫ₮!”
The air spits ozone and Vox forgets about his sartorial worries. He can feel the surge of interference, of Makaya and bone-bending pins-and-needles Loa burbling forth like Pompeii. The wind around them picks up without warning and their drinks shake on the flimsy, ramshackle table. By some force, they do not spill, even when Alastor’s body shifts, becoming merely a window for Something Else, something Beyond. A manthing, nitid and twirling between this Plane of existence and the Next with such brightness that Vox has to tear his gaze away lest he go blind from atropine.
And Alastor still has one left in him.
“Hhg’T̙̥̻̰̻̀͡T̩̙̰̬͙͖̮͓̗̮̹͕ͅͅZ̵̵̶͔̞̥͙̜͕͇͓̱͉̳̠͢C̴̢̩͍̳̱̥̺̤̠̲̟̳͘͠H̴͖̠͓̥̺̤̠̲̟̳͘͜ͅH͖̠͓̥̻̲̭̜̠̭̳͚́͜ͅź̸̩̲̥̻̲̭̜̠̭̳͚ͅz̸̵̩̲͈̤̩̝̣ͅṱ͓̬̕͟c̟̪̝̙̲̰͚̗͓͝h̢̨̟̲̣͕͉̫̜͠ͅI̴̞̦̦̗̥҉̶̡͕͓̪͚͕̩͈͔̩E̱̭̘̫̮̗͈̳̙̕ͅŲ̵̼̳̱͙͎̲̘̩!”
The final sneeze is hoarse, guttural. Void of anything Vox can call a soul. And just for a fleeting, near-imperceptible second he swears he can hear the rattle of chains.
(It is reminiscent of the night Vox witnessed the Goetia in action, some twenty years ago atop the Brocken. That same cobweb tarantella of pants-creaming fireworks and infernal fractals–only cold and coated in the rime ice of the damned.) 
Alastor shifts back into the confines of his own body again, leaving Vox almost disappointed with want. What a display of power. If unintentional. 
Vox shivers. “Fucking bless,” he breathes, impressed despite himself.
Alastor remains hunched over with his hands covering his face for a moment longer before straightening up with a sharp (but finally clear) sniff. “Goodness,” he exclaims, brushing an errant fringe from his brow. “My deepest apologies for the display.”
Vox rolls his eyes as Alastor makes quick work of his handkerchief. Back to his prim and proper self. Read, fucking pussy. 
“We could have been so powerful,” Vox laments aloud, unable to stop himself. “Had full control of the media.” He clenches his fist and looks to the claret afternoon sky. “Ruled over this cesspool like there was no tomorrow.”
“Oh, but there is a tomorrow,” argues Alastor. He too is gazing at a point somewhere beyond the horizon. “There always is.”
Vox surveys him out of the warped corner of his screen, lips curling around a drop of coffee cream. “Uh, your point?”
“It’s not aaalllways about power! Despite how, ah, attractive it may be to some with flatter notions of the Spheres.” Alastor sniffs and gives Vox a shit-eating grin.
Honestly, it’s one of the straighter answers Vox has gotten today. Even so, he flips him the bird. “Oh fuck you, Alastor. You and the goddamn horse you rode in on.”
“You should really think of the bigger picture, Vox,” Alastor chirps. Cheerful again on a dime. “It’s why I said no!”
This time Vox really does do a spit-take. “Sa–you didn’t–” he splutters around a half-swallowed mouthful of coffee–”you didn’t say no, Alastor. You left! For seven fucking years!”
Alastor shrugs with a small, noncommittal sound. “My problem.”
“Hah! So you admit it’s a pro–”
“I’m not admitting a̴̴n̴̴y̴̴t̴̴h̴̴i̴̴n̴̴g̴,”Alastor says, his voice dropping a full octave and gaining several eldritch overtones. Prevarication reincarnated. 
And maybe that is the problem. Broadcasts, breaking news–they are all about establishing those ley lines of communication. Kind of doesn’t work with without connection. The transmissions lose their way in the ether. 
Maybe Alastor needs it that way, right now. And maybe–
Maybe Vox is not meant to understand. Not yet, anyway. Not in this lifetime. But perhaps another. When they might cross the Acheron together, as Damballah and Ayida Wèdo, instead of running sabotage and interference around all the strings attached that they never speak of. 
So with Alastor staring at him red-nosed, wan, and puffy-eyed, Vox does what is least expected. 
He begins to sing.
“For a second there it felt like old times,  Before the shit hit my fans. Before you refused, Made three of four And soiled our beastly plans. Overlords foiled with a grin!  We're just something to be used, Could have been something great,  Now just a Hazbin, A piece of eight. Do you remember?  How you used to greet and dismember, Then eat the meat, raw and tender. What a contender, that Dream Team Ender! Now I’m happy to steer clear Of that tailored veneer, My dear, blackmailer Bambi– Or should I say, Rudolph? 'Cause I glean it, you really are getting soft! But I won’t even stream it–yeah, I mean it! Why? You said it, This wasn’t done by my hand, so I cannot reap the credit,  Your big band’s been outdone by Divine hand! Keep the glory, it’s not mine, So I’ll let this story slide, Be it on my own hide.  Yeah, here’s the thing, I suppose,  What I propose–hold on, you’re gonna sneeze– –Geez louise you fawn, blow your fucking nose! Now, ding-ding-ding, Yahtzee! A word of advice From your favorite Vee. Heck, I’ll even offer it for free–how swell! Oh shut it, I ain’t being nice. Stop your teasing! It’s just this freezing fire and ice I’m unable to quell. Cause despite your sneezing, you always inspire. Call me a liar, but something’s not right, real wrong,  I can tell. You never tire, never fail to steal someone's song. So get to it! Fuck grace, face your shit or shit will get real. Even though you’re dressed to the nines, I see the signs. Made me call a truce, choose to loosen the noose– How grotesque! But now I’m done with this goddamn burlesque. Let me be clear,  And inquire without fear, if I may be so bold. 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚍? So many fell, see, to blood of gold. Maybe one day you’ll tell me the untold,  Or remain a liar through and through. Do you dream of fire too, Alastor?  Because you’re so, so cold.”
End.
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Ask Game for the illness&injury/snz/whump/sphere 🥰 (I tried to word these as broadly as possible to apply to the most people heehee)
Put an emoji (or several) in the ask box of the person you reblogged this from and the person who reblogs it from you!
🌟 - What illness symptom/torture tactic/snz trigger do you have the most fun portraying or reading?
👤 - Describe your current favorite character (including OCs)
🖋 - What is your favorite media that you have made? (Illustrations, writing of any kind, WAVs, manips, etc).
💓 - What is your favorite thing about this community?
🤩 - Is there any symptom/torture tactic/snz trigger that you haven't portrayed or seen yet that you'd like to try?
📖 - Recommend some media that has a good i&i/whump/snz scene
🌡 - Giving your character a fever: yea or nay
🐑 - What scenario are you currently thinking about before bed?
👃🏼 - What would you like to do with your blorbo's nose? (Break it? Tickle it with a feather? Wipe it with tissues? The possibilities are endless!)
🖥 - What is the first website where you started engaging with i&i/whump/snz? (Or was it irl? A webring? Zines?)
🤧 - Do you prefer stoic characters or characters who complain?
🆎️ - Have you ever made a scenario post that uses "A" and "B" as stand-ins for character names? Would you?
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💢 PLEASE DO NOT REBLOG TO NON-KINK BLOGS 💢
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Reed and Greyson are so cuteeeee please I need more
I'm glad you like them together!! The Greyson Reed fic definitely won out in that poll so I'm gonna work on it this week😈
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hi I'm hyper fixated on that post that's like someone sick and being cared for by a significant other flashing back and thinking about all the times they weren't cared for while sick... my question is, would y'all want to see another Greyson centric fic where his new maybe-boyfriend takes care of him while he thinks back on times he's suffered alone even though I JUST did a Greyson fic, or would you rather see something different? just trying to gauge what I attempt to write this week!!
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God, I love sickfics that cut between a Whumpee’s current illness, and illnesses they’ve had in the past. Before, being sick was traumatic and lonely. Maybe they were neglected or even ostracized for their illness. In the present day, they don’t know how to handle being loved.
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do most people have the forum/s —> tumblr experience or is snzblr also lots of people’s first/only online space for the fetish
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