I just turned 21 and I’m at one of my all time lowest points in my life. I sit here and think about the fact that I’ve had an ed account on here since i was 14. Seven years of my life. And nothing has changed. My life has been so stagnant that it doesn’t even feel like any time has passed since then.
I sit, day in and day out, doing the same things, feeling the same way. Nothing changes, and nothing gets better for me, and I’m left to wonder why i’m even still trying, when everything feels so meaningless and i get joy out of absolutely nothing.
And I have no escape, i know I can’t ever kill myself, because i feel a personal responsibility for the emotional wellbeing of my family, especially since almost all of my close relatives have expressed to me in some capacity that they rely on me for their emotional stability and I’m their only source of emotional support.
I have to play therapist to everyone, and take everyone elses mental breakdowns in stride, but no one even cares enough to talk to me about anything i like or have an interest in, much less any problems i have, to the point of being actively ignored in some cases. And if I have an off day? If I’m not happy and catering to everyone else’s emotions?? Unforgivable when it comes to me.
And now i don’t have any secrets, my sh is constantly used against me, with half the people making jokes out of it and the other half throwing it in my face every chance they get, rubbing in how lll never be normal, and the physical evidence will always be there to remind me. I have no coping mechanisms left that don’t just bring up more pain
Except for this. Ik thats why my ed is rlly coming back again. I can control nothing about my life whatsoever, but i can control what i eat, how i look. And its appealing to think about how if i cant be normal in any capacity, at least i can be thin and play at being normal. At least i can leave the house and be given the base level kindness that I’m not afforded now because i’m not skinny. At least I’ll have this single one thing going for me, even if I have nothing else.
in the nicest and most non-confrontational way possible. i feel like some of you think that anything that isn't directly openly spelled out for you within a story is "missed potential" or "unexplored." like. sometimes there are implied narratives. sometimes the point is that you as the reader are supposed to think and draw your own conclusions and participate in the story. the writers not directly spelling every little detail out for you doesn't mean that the story is poorly written or missed its own plot details somehow. PLEASE.
interesting lore moment with the francophone yesterday (as in, it personally gave me brainworms) ft. qétoiles’ horrible, no good, stupid (lack of) self-preservation . subs in English, transcript below the cut
All spoken in French — translated into English subtitles
[Video transcript:
Etoiles: And, actually, I have a theory. Basically what happened is that I’ve just returned from a mission from Cucurucho.
Antoine: And what was the mission?
Etoiles: To do a dungeon, and to recover something from the dungeon.
Antoine: And what was this “something”?
Etoiles: And the “something” was a book that sorta says that I’m a test subject.
Antoine: A test subject?!
Baghera: What’s up with your arm? You’ve got a coded arm.
Etoiles: Uh, it’s from holding the shield, basically.
Baghera: Ahhh
(Pause)
Antoine: Watch out that it doesn’t contaminate you, or else you’ll turn into a code, man.
Etoiles: That’s impossible, man, I can’t be a code.
Antoine: That’s what the old codes said before becoming codes, you know.
Etoiles: No— well, we’ve never spoken.
Baghera: Maybe you shouldn’t be using the shield as much then, no?
Etoiles: Well, as it stands, I’ve been using it for a really long time, and my mind is still healthy, honestly. And the proof is—
Baghera: Well, half of his face took the brunt of it instead.
Etoiles: Yeah, but it’s not all there is, you know.
(Pause)
Baghera: Let me worry, Etoiles, right now.
Etoiles: You’re right. You’re right! But everything’s going well, I’m doing very, very well—
Antoine: It’s true that you look a bit sick.
Etoiles: Uh, yeah, for the past seven years, it’s a chronic illness, it happened—
Antoine: No, but not this one, the other— you seem even sicker, still.
Etoiles: Yeah, okay. Yeah but no, I’m fine. No, no, it’s fine, honestly.
The start of the Loop segment of the Siffrin & friends twitter QNA, and the message that flipped Loop's answers from silly to dodgy and blatantly upset.
What happens when your coworker kills your other coworker but both of you are in a relationship (kind of) with the same ethereal woman who had an admiration for said dead coworker.
+bonus Evandrey because it’s funny to me (I’m sorry Eva.)
I like feyre, even though sjm kinda killed her character i stand with my girl for the most part. emphasis on the most part because i will never recover from her manipulating tamlin to lash out in acomaf/acowar (sorry they all bleed together)🧍🏻
And people will say she was justified in what she did and that its tamlins fault that he lashed out. like it wasnt great on his part but it is a type of emotional manipulation from feyre to get him to do that. she had to push him to get that reaction, it wasnt a natural reaction and man. Sjm accidentally wrote 90% of my childhood experiences with shitty boys LIKE how did she do that ⁉️
Dick or no dick confirmation Pickles was always going to be trans to me anyways; if he's swingin' somethin that's phallo babes, if he's not then his t-dick fat. What's not to get.
I had to split this into two parts because … it’s 16 pages and I did NOT want to swamp anyone with a wall of text. I’m finishing up the last bit later today possibly after work or tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy!
If there was anything that Heaven knew how to do, it was to throw a party.
In the most boring way possible to Willow.
The entertainment for tonight’s banquet of Heavenly Delight were four great white mares, set to dancing. The great beasts were dressed in robes so long they brushed the courtyard ground beyond their feathered hooves. Purple and gold, saffron and yellow silk was tied to their manes as they sashayed and side stepped in perfect tandem to the soft orchestra led by Gold Chimes Softly. The drums beat a second heart to the horses hooves. Everything was ever perfect and in time. Not a swish of a tail or a twitch of an ear. Willow heard the bells on the great hooves beat in perfect harmony. Other women from their seats applauded as the mares danced softly from side to side. To everyone who awaited the main course and delighted in the dancing, it was the most marvelous entertainment.
To Willow, she was bored to her wits end.
Not a single spark of spontaneous will, Willow thought as her hands settled in her lap. It was another feast her father had requested by letter for her to attend. Well her and Wukong who-even now after almost hundreds of years!- the celestial busy bodies still whispered that she, Earth Reaching Willow, must be under some sort of cursed spell, some beguilement to be married to him.
Sometimes the pasty nobles and smooth beautiful faces of the lady’s behind their fans and sleeves earned the deepest scorn from Willow.
She looked up to the sky. They were seated in the courtyard of sorts, where the pavilions were open to the air and backdropped by the perfectly cut ivy crawling it’s way up the trellis. The warm air and the music was welcome but also stifling in a sense. Incense burned not too far away, cloying with the scent of cooking food in the worst possible way. Willow saw that every star was in its perfect place, the constellations playing at perfection to please their Emperor. Another laugh from nearby caught her ear over the dancing horses. She turned and saw a few attendants huddled in a whisper, pointedly looking between other guests at the banquet. Seems their is rumor scheming going about. How dull.
I bet none of them have witnessed the beauty of a star shower from earth.
She hid it well however, her scorn. Willow couldn’t understand how anyone would choose Heaven over the ever changing earth below. None of these thoughts made themselves visible on her face however. Schooled and taught, bred to peaceful serenity, Willow let nothing ripple the calm of her outward appearance. As cool as a northern star, as serene as a flower in a vase.
Captive peace was hardly true peace. It was stagnation. It was the loss of what made the peace worthwhile. Willow had experienced that feeling: of tumbling in the grass, the heat of the fire as a lightning strike burned a forest down, of the sea and its salty spray in a storm. Willow had felt the movement of a world and it had caught her and held her constantly in its motion.
She took a sip of wine to hide her mouth as it began to slip into a frown. The wine may be of the best quality, brewed by the greatest hands and purified in the finest crystal, but it would never compare to the joy of the toasts her earthen family held in their patch of paradise. Of how when Ba got into his cups he would challenge his sister Ma to a duel of jokes and japes. The music made by Sweet, a kind little monkey, was a better tune and full of more life then Gold Chimes Softly well placed and organized orchestra. Sweet could play a jaunty tune upon their flute, while the rest of his little musician group followed along. They could whip the troupe into a frenzy of dancing and table jumping. Willow had danced before, controlled and reserved like the Mares in their bells and ribbons. But dancing within her husband's court had been an experience she never would have imagined missing. The dancing wildness and stamping feet, the spinning from partner to small partner, the joy that filled the air and the laughter. It had been better than star wine - it had been an intoxication that had left her heart drumming and face smiling wide.
The horses finished their beautiful dance and the court clapped. Willow clapped too. The mares did wonderfully. It was not their fault that the dance felt too restrained, too controlled.
Her father was happy to have her home. Willow could tell by the very evident glances down to his daughters from his seat at the head of the table. He had all of his family arrayed about him, basking. Willow made polite conversation that only scraped surface level with her sisters and the passing women who came to visit her seat. Willow complemented the lady’s jewels and colored gowns. To the men she disarmed a hundred pointed comments that were trying to dig beneath and get to the root of what would be tender and delectable tea to spill in court.
That great sage- he drinks with a gusto! Is it always this way?
Translation - is he a drunk ?
My what clothes. Such a unique style it must have been picked up in his travels!
Translation: He dresses like a Savage. Is He a Savage to you?
Willow had almost slapped another adviser who had pointedly remarked on the lack of children they had and questioned Wukongs ability to perform.
Her sisters, oh her clever sisters, had rallied to her defense in the most courtly way they could: they turned him into a piece of gossip to throw back to court.
“Did you hear?” Wind Over Sea stage whispered to Autumn Leaves Falling.
“Oh do tell!” Autumn Leaves Falling flashed her most wonderous smile, catching the Advisor in her trap.
“Seems that Moon Shadowed Clouds husband has been kicked out of their bedroom!” Wind replied, making direct eye contact with the Advisor.
“How terribly pitiful!” Weaves the Clouds remarked from her cushion beside the other sisters. The Jade Emperor watched from above, keeping himself out of the gossip.
“Wasn’t he caught drinking down in one of the mortal brothels ?” Autumn added, her eyes slashing toward the advisor.
“I heard it was on his Wife’s birthday to boot!” Winter Frosted Grace sniffed, setting her cup of tea down.
Her sisters turned in unison to stare down the Advisor with such cat like intensity.
“For shame!” Little Weaver Girl, the youngest of the brood of women, said loud enough for the court to hear. Little could get away with being louder than the rest- she was adored by their father and was the master weaver of heaven. Her creations had been sought after by all the courts when their father had worn one of her robes that Little had made. “Trying to twist your bad fortune onto my sister.”
The advisor, of course, made a swift exit with red ears and wounded pride.
Willow was thankful for her sisters. They alone understood that Willow, for whatever reason, had found comfort with Wukong and was truly happy. They didn’t see why she wished to remain down among the earthly mortals. Her happiness was what they valued and, like a streak of tigers, would defend with witty claws and well disguised barbs any that fancied a go at making court gossip from the Emperors family.
Willow wished for the upteenth time that she could bring the lot of them to their mountain. To see what she saw. She knew deep down that none of them would really understand. Except for Little. Her youngest sister often snuck from the court to watch the common people live their lives and to see the other mortal weavers of the world. Little would love their mountain. She began to think of Flower Fruit Mountain as theirs - her and Wukongs. It Held so many memories- so many joys and sorrows.
Where was Wukong?
Willow was surprised he had been absent so long. Wukong was still a bit unaccustomed to the Celestial workings of the court and it’s people. Even after attaining buddhahood and becoming an enlightened master, Willow knew that the gossip surrounding them would never die out. It was tiresome to interact with people who still brought things up from almost centuries ago.
She cast her gaze about for him and saw a flash of his red fur—
And his teeth.
Willows stomach fell, like a falcon folding her wings for a dive. Straight to the bottom of her soul
Wukong was surrounded by a swath of richly dressed courtiers, lords and men of the Palace. They kept a respectful courtly distance but Willow knew it was too close. Her dear friend was giving all the warnings she had learned over the centuries together to read. His eyebrows had been raised at the beginning of her watching but now they lowered, the teeth on full display. A smile of aggression. A smile that said ‘I take offense’. He felt accosted and would soon act upon it. For all the calm that had been taught, her husband could not forget that he was a creature that had to fight for so long.
Oh these utter fools, Willow thought. They still don’t know when to leave him well enough alone.
It would be their fault for not understanding Wukongs simple and very obvious attempts to walk past and around them. But another man would join, asking to hear of his teachings from the Buddha himself, and his eyes would make direct contact with theirs and the teeth would shine all the sharper. That wasn’t a smile. That was a promise of violence.
Willow knew if Wukong reacted it would only cement the court's opinion of Wild Beast they saw. Willow had to act fast before the feast turned from one of peace to one of violence. So Willow, setting her goblet down whispered to her nearest sister, Winter.
“Catch me.”
“Beg pardon?”
And then Willow, with the grace of all her years of acting and tricking the witless fools of Heaven, swooned and fainted. Winter caught her, crying out in more surprise than worry.
Willow made sure she brought her hand up dramatically to her face, the sleeve covering her mouth. Her elbow she had knock into the tray that held food and Willow was rewarded with the loudest clatter of porcelain cracking onto the floor beneath them. The goblet she had placed was sent flying to spill into the rug beneath their cushioned seats.
Sorry father. I know you wanted a peaceful night with us all.
Her dramatics had the desired effect: the court all took in a sudden breath and some gasped. She heard her father call to her and the worry in his voice made Willow's heart beat with a bit of guilt.
“Sister?” She felt hands shake her shoulders in worry and looked up beneath lashes into Winters frosty face.
“Play along, so that way the court doesn’t catch on.” Willow whispered and her hand subtly pointed to where Wukong had been- and where he was running up to her.
“Willow!” He sounded so worried it made her heart give another guilty squeeze. His hands had grown in size, meaning he had made himself larger than regular. “Are you alright my love?”
Willow looked just beneath her arm as she brought it up higher in a mock groan. But he was close enough to hear her now.
“Let’s go home.” Willow could see the stress lines on his face, the anger that had been there cooling like coals in a fire.
“Seems my sister fainted.” Bless her, Little was close enough to see that a game was afoot. And she always approved of games. “It’s been so long since she was at the Palace after all. The scents may have overwhelmed her.”
Wukong looked down just long enough to see Willow give a wink. Some of the tension leaked from him and she could feel it leave his hands. His fast mind seized onto this statement (now that he was given a signal that this was a ruse) and elaborated upon the story.
“My wife was worried about tonight. The winds over our mountain have been so clean and clear while Heavens incense must have overwhelmed her delicate nose.” Wukongs arms took her up, face close to hers.
“How did you know?” He mumbled into her hair. He didn’t ask her if she knew what. Wukong understood that she was doing this for him in some way. It was the intuition of being with each other for so long.
“Saw those courtiers - the fools.” She barely moved her lips to speak and was glad to have her sleeve covering her face. She couldn’t help the smile as he blew air into her ear, tickling her.
“You are a Heaven send.” He said to her then addressed the court.
“Seems my wife needs to clear her head. We will head home on the leave of my Father-in-Law the Jade Emperor.”
“You may go, Sun Wukong. Let me - let me know how she fares will you?” The worry that made the end of his voice tremble at the end had Willow feel just a bit more guilt.
Sorry Father.
Willow felt Wukong bow his head and then they were away, faster than a falling star on a path back to earth. Once past the Celestial guards Wukong tapped her shoulder with a claw and Willow dropped her act and sighed.
“Thank small mercies.” She sighed, gazing out at the fast approaching world below.
“Mercies exist but they are not small.” Wukong said. “I’m holding one in my arms.”
“You flatterer.” She laughed at the sappy look he gave her and she pressed his nose with a delicate finger. “Come, tell me true- what we’re those vipers cornering you about?”
“Seems they were beginning to question my … ability to … well …” Wukong was looking everywhere but her, the wind blowing across his fur. It couldn’t hide the blush turning his face and ears into a tomato.
It only took a second for Willow to understand- and she turned in his arms to glare back into the sky. “I will flay that Advisor!”
“Advisor?”
“Yes. The little shrew of a man must have set the rumour to running before he approached me himself.” The coward. She was glad her sisters had known enough gossip to spin his dilemma into a full show for the court. Willow touched Wukongs cheek, worried. “Tell me what happened.”
“They started asking about my ascension in Buddhism and asked about my teachings. Then they started … well. In on the questions of you and me and our… intimacies.” He was so uncomfortable that he was rubbing at his forehead, claws leaving little red marks on his exposed skin. “It started making me uncomfortable and I couldn’t see or get a clear path to return to you.” Wukong sighed. “I’m sorry Willow.”
“Sorry? You have nothing to apologize for! That man had come up to me and my sisters to dig at us for information as well.” Willow chuckled, remembering how Little, Winter, Cloud and Autumn had perfectly embarrassed the man. “Of course you know the sort my sisters are- even if they don’t quite approve of me living on earth they won’t stand for such pointed questions.”
“You were asked about children as well?”
“Yes and I was about to slap him.” This made Wukong laugh. They sped past a cloud front, promising heavy rain. The mountain was coming into sight now within a sea of jet black turned silver by the moon.
“I would have paid good money to see it. The second slap heard in all of Heaven!” Wukong chortled. Then he sobered. “I’m sorry again.”
“Stop Wukong.” Willow caught his face and pressed a kiss to his temple. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
And then her stomach gave a tremendous growl, like the traitor it was. It took the wind from her words and flamed Wukongs look of timid regret.
“I pulled you away from the feast before you could even get a bite in.”
“We have all the food back at home.” Willow countered. Cursed stomach. As the Mountain got closer and the silence stretched a bit longer Willow looked back at her friend. His face was concentrated in thought that was slowly beginning to brighten to delight.
“Wukong, I know that face. What are you thinking ?”
He was silent, trying to make his face neutral again. And failing miserably. Once they had stepped down and onto solid ground, Wukong set Willow down and returned to his original size.
“Wukong…” Willow tried again, but was interrupted as the two sentries that night, Ma and Ba, came bounding forward, weapons drawn. When they saw it was Wukong and Willow they relaxed and called greetings.
“My King? You Return so soon!” Ma said.
“Was the feast good?” Ba asked, his broken tail giving an agitated flick.
Wukongs face was fully alight with a genuine smile as he looked at Willow then back at his family.
“The feast was a drab thing of mediocre blathering. We will outdo them here!” The Monkey King walked forward, taking Willows hand gently. She followed, knowing that she was about to get her answer to what Wukong was about to do
“Ma! Ba! Call the troupe- fire up the ovens. Set Water Curtain Cave in its best ! We will have our own feast that will rival Heavens!”
“Yes my king!” The two answered in unison then sped off, whooping and calling and waking all of the mountain for a feast. Ma grabbed at her brothers ear and yanked, getting ahead of him. Ba snarled in mock aggression, swinging his leg to knock Mas out from under her. The two had turned it into a race and it didn’t seem that either would make it out without a few bruises along the way.
“They seem eager for it.” Wukong laughed. He led Willow into their home as the lanterns were turned from their sleepy glow to a bright blaze.
“Wukong …”
“What?”
“Why a feast? I don’t need a feast — I would be satisfied with a simple fruit tart and some water.” Willow felt a bit guilty as she saw sleeping mothers poke their heads from the stone homes and peer out at the ever growing and excited crowd calling for feasting. She saw the kitchen fires light up like a twinkling row of stars coming to life.
“Nonsense!” Wukong assured, pulling her along. “ Why should Heaven have fun and we not have any? Besides I have to find a way to thank you for saving my pride while you lost a bit of your own.”
Was that what this was about ?!
“Oh Wukong it’s fine! Women are expected to faint and fall over themselves with the silliest things.” Her sisters had fainted countless times. Mostly to attract the eye of a gentleman or women they thought was beautiful or fancied. Willow had seen Autumn take the most spectacular swoon, right into the arms of one of the generals! Maybe theatrics ran in the family. Wukong simply shook his head. The idea had him now, the excitment of competing with Heaven growing brighter in his eyes.
“I won’t hear of it.” Wukong declared. Willow forgot how competitive her friend could be. But he also was hiding something else he wanted to do. She could read it like a book.
“You are planning something else are you not? Don’t lie, I can see it on your face plain as day!” She teased him, his mirth infectious. The whole cavern was now alive with the news- droves of the family were coming out now gathering in the banquet hall with foodstuffs to share and enjoy in. Wine was being brought up from the deeper colder caves and already the air smelled intoxicating as the cooks set to work.
It was Wukongs turn to wink at Willow now as he left her at her room door, smiling softly. “You will see~”