#this means something to me
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Traintober Day 10: Happiest
But Rheneas was happiest of all in his own place that night, next to his friend Skarloey. "This helps a little engine to feel," he said, "that at last he has really come home."
- Gallant Old Engine
#this means something to me#aaaugh I've been doing my traintobers when I'm so tired#I get no rest I get no rest#ttte skarloey#ttte rheneas#traintober 2023#my doodles#my post
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Thinking about how one of the last moments theyre ever together in life is on the bridge you have to assume is above sweetwater river they’re suspended above where the inciting incident takes place
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I left my house an hour early today. I don’t know why I chose to do it. I suppose I didn’t want the motivation to leave me.
I stood inside my local coffee shop. It was uncomfortably hot. It always is. I let someone in front of me in line. They were in a rush. I didn’t know them. I don’t think I ever will. I ordered a flat white and a breakfast sandwich.
I took off my coat as I sat down to eat, and set my bag down on my right. I always do. I ate my sandwich first. I always do. It was dry. It always is.
I wasn’t in a rush today. I could drink my coffee here. I took off the lid and took a sip. I burnt my lip a little. I always do. I blew on the coffee once, then put the lid back on. My body kept telling me to stand up and leave. It was time to go. I wasn’t in a rush. I had over forty minutes left before I had to leave.
I don’t usually sit down and drink my coffee. I drink it on the walk to my destination, then throw it in the bin in front of the building. The bin is always empty in the morning. Sometimes my cup is the first thing in there. The bin here is full. Many people sit down and drink their coffee here.
I wonder if the bin outside my building will wonder where I am. I know it can’t care. I listen to the sound of the banter of the baristas. I don’t listen to the words, just the idle drone of too many voices in too small a space. I don’t usually get to hear them speak. I’m usually in a rush.
I left early this morning. Is this a type of poem? I haven’t touched my coffee since I burnt my lip on it. I’ve been too busy writing this. I want to let it wait. I’ll probably drink it on my way over to my next destination. I’ll probably put it in the bin out front.
It’ll be cold by then
#This means something to me#I can’t articulate what I’m trying to convey#I suppose I’m writing to myself
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youtube
Currently my favorite rock song
#If I could physically hug this song I would.#Scream warning#Loud warning#Metal warning#Metal#Music#Christian#Love#Not promoting the band as a whole yet but#This means something to me#No ordinary love#Youtube#Beautiful lyrics#Beautiful#Lyrics
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no offence but the reason tumblr is “dying” is, well, yes, of course the cursed like/reblog ratio and the change in user behaviour (because of people being used to how instagram and tiktok work) BUT also the lack of weekly shows. i say it with my whole chest, they don't produce captivating and engaging stupid weekly tv shows anymore because streaming killed that so you have spikes of activity here when Something happens in general fandom or up to three days after a new season of whatever drops and then it's a wasteland. this is obviously an old woman yelling at a cloud missing supernatural and the vampire diaries and pretty little liars and all these other shows type of post but honestly give me back weekly tv shows where i have something to watch for 40 minutes almost every day of the week after work so then i can read and reblog it on tumblr give it back for the sake of my sanity
#we used to be a proper country#or something#this post is brought to you by me coming back from work and being like okay what now 🧍🏻♂️#i mean obviously i have stuff to do but these are just chores and what i need what i have been programmed to need is a 40 minute long#episode of stupid cw show with a gay ship that's never gonna go canon... :(((#tumblr#fandom
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i think we should remind musicians they can absolutely make up little stories for their songs btw. it doesn’t have to be about them at all. you can invent a guy and put him in situations to music. time honoured tradition in fact.
#i love reading your examples! however next person to be like um actually this exists?? it’s on sight#i know it exists. i think it’s fun. that’s why i think more people should do it.#sometimes i think the confessional style loses impact because everything has to be excavated from the depths of the soul#and somehow. confessional writing seems to be going with the most disaffected bland sound possible. odd.#i love deeply personal songs! i love when songs sound like they mean something to the artist!#something something wider issue of mining trauma and being performatively vulnerable for quote unquote content#idk i don’t have the actual knowledge to write about this well there’s just something not landing for me recently#mine
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Vampire Spawn 🩸🦇
#Astarion#baldurs gate 3#bg3#vampire#baldur's gate 3#poster#pic#Astarion my beloved#his story means a lot to me so wanted to do something more detailed with him..
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pjo tv show episode 5 alignment:
#percy and annabeth mighttttt be switched but grover as gaslight is undeniable#grover lying through his teeth captivated me I was like sweetie WHAT are you doing#annabeth said either help me or leave to a GOD amongst other things which is why she deserves girlboss#percy gatekeeps everyone (but himself) from sacrificing themselves which is as always true to character#pjo tv show#pjo#pjo tv spoilers#pjo tv#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#annabeth chase#grover underwood#character alignment#a god buys us cheeseburgers#like no one has posted content yet so I’m making something and going to bed#mine#gaslight gatekeep girlboss#humor#no one bully me on the image sizes I’m on my phone at midnight using photoshop without an account#which means I can only layer one photo at a time so each time I have to make it a new photo#I’m bullying myself don’t worry
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dear ed, I love everything about you.
#THE TEASER#I AM NOT OKAY#AHHHH#I was so nervous today that I had to draw something to calm my nerves#THEY'RE COMING BACK TO ME!!#i do not know why ed is wearing buttons shirt in that oen promo pic but i liek the vibe#ofmd#ofmd 2#our flag means death#our flag emans death season 2#ofmd fanart#ofmd s2 fanart#our flag means death fanart#stede bonnet#ed teach#gentlebeard#gentlebeard fanart#my art#digital art
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God I hope you don’t mind me dumping that here but your story about you having a crush on kid Buggy when you were at the approximate age just hits me so hard and I don’t have anyone to talk about this with so here goes:
Way back when the anime first got translated in my neck of the world and I was a wee pre-teen, my friends quickly latched onto either Zoro or Sanji as their anime guy crushes. I used to pretend they were both not my type and that I didn’t crush on anyone in the series but that was a lie. A coverup to a truth I felt I couldn’t admit to my 12-13 year old gal pals. I had the most massive fucking kid crush on Usopp. He hit all of my buttons, he was fun, he was a bit of a coward but not to the point he was unlikeable, the episode that show him and Kaya meeting for the first time had him sitting on a tree branch in front of her window like he’s a goddamn Aladin type Disney prince. Just goddamn he did a number on me. But again, back then he felt like the weirdest option to get a crush on so I kept my mouth shut because teen me couldn’t take the teasing.
Some time passes and I haven’t watched OP for a long time, didn’t really care about it that much. I hear about the live action show and apperantly… it’s … good? Interest peaked. Watching it and having a great time. Getting back into the fandom. Find out there are a lot more people like me who not only have Usopp as their favorite but also think he’s super cute. Jacob Romero Gibson playing him helped a lot but, there are also a bunch of posts about people loving his animated form and appreciating him and many of them stating they had wee little babby crushes on him as well, even before timeskip buffed him up too.
And it’s like… it’s mildly emberassing to think back on baby’s first Blorbo ™️, but it’s also just so satisfying to be like “Uh-huh, yeah. This character is great. I know. I Love him!” And People wholeheartedly agreeing. And now I’m slowly making my way trough the series again and it’s just… so good. I am sorry for dumping this all on you on anon but it’s just my way of toasting to you in a very “To us! Us weird adults that used to be weird little kids with even weirder little crushes. We always had the best taste.” Way.
I am so happy you feel good about it now! I loved reading about your experience so don't apologise! It's all good! I like it when people interact with me over fandom. And I feel pretty special rn that you'd tell me this, Anon. I bet it is so recognisable for a lot of us. I can totally understand you keeping that under wraps as a baby, especially surrounded by Sanji and Zoro fanbabies. I apparently told everyone who wanted to hear and plenty who didn't. And, honestly, I still do that, haha. The live action being good had me so shook as well, because live actions have been doing so terribly poorly. But I am down with Ward as Buggy.
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big big big fan of found family relationships with shithead sibling dynamics
sure, yeah, they had no one in the world until they found each other, and they will fight tooth and nail for each other's safety, but they will also eat the last of the other's cereal and put the box back in the cabinet or tell the other's significant other every embarrassing story about them or greet each other by means of full body tackle and chokehold
#ragsycon exclusive#mark and pip have this dynamic and it gives me so much joy#she gives him so much shit for being awkward and painfully uncool but she will not hesitate to stab someone for being mean to him#he's focusing on something & doesn't hear her come in the room and she slaps him on the shoulder which startles him so badly he alert barks#which he is instantly mortified by the fact that he just literally actually barked and goes 'please don't tell anyone that happened'#to which pip responds by showing him her phone screen where she has just texted literally everyone that this just happened#......#hall of fame
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so one of the things that's so horrifying about birth control is that you have to, like, navigate this incredibly personal choice about your body and yet also face the epitome of misogyny. like, someone in the comments will say it wasn't that bad for me, and you'll be utterly silenced. like, everyone treats birth control like something that's super dirty. like, you have no fucking information or control over this thing because certain powerful people find it icky.
first it was the oral contraceptives. you went on those young, mostly for reasons unrelated to birth control - even your dermatologist suggested them to control your acne. the list of side effects was longer than your arm, and you just stared at it, horrified.
it made you so mentally ill, but you just heard that this was adulthood. that, yes, there are of course side effects, what did you expect. one day you looked up yasmin makes me depressed because surely this was far too intense, and you discovered that over 12,000 lawsuits had been successfully filed against the brand. it remains commonly prescribed on the open market. you switched brands a few times before oral contraceptives stopped being in any way effective. your doctor just, like, shrugged and said you could try a different brand again.
and the thing is that you're a feminist. you know from your own experience that birth control can be lifesaving, and that even when used for birth control - it is necessary healthcare. you have seen it save so many people from such bad situations, yourself included. it is critical that any person has access to birth control, and you would never suggest that we just get rid of all of it.
you were a little skeeved out by the implant (heard too many bad stories about it) and figured - okay, iud. it was some of the worst pain you've ever fucking experienced, and you did it with a small number of tylenol in your system (3), like you were getting your bikini line waxed instead of something practically sewn into your body.
and what's wild is that because sometimes it isn't a painful insertion process, it is vanishingly rare to find a doctor that will actually numb the area. while your doctor was talking to you about which brand to choose, you were thinking about the other ways you've been injured in your life. you thought about how you had a suspicious mole frozen off - something so small and easy - and how they'd numbed a huge area. you thought about when you broke your wrist and didn't actually notice, because you'd thought it was a sprain.
your understanding of pain is that how the human body responds to injury doesn't always relate to the actual pain tolerance of the person - it's more about how lucky that person is physically. maybe they broke it in a perfect way. maybe they happened to get hurt in a place without a lot of nerve endings. some people can handle a broken femur but crumble under a sore tooth. there's no true way to predict how "much" something actually hurts.
in no other situation would it be appropriate for doctors to ignore pain. just because someone can break their wrist and not feel it doesn't mean no one should receive pain meds for a broken wrist. it just means that particular person was lucky about it. it should not define treatment.
in the comments of videos about IUDs, literally thousands of people report agony. blinding, nauseating, soul-crushing agony. they say things like i had 2 kids and this was the worst thing i ever experienced or i literally have a tattoo on my ribs and it felt like a tickle. this thing almost killed me or would rather run into traffic than ever feel that again.
so it's either true that every single person who reports severe pain is exaggerating. or it's true that it's far more likely you will experience pain, rather than "just a pinch." and yet - there's nothing fucking been done about it. it kind of feels like a shrug is layered on top of everything - since technically it's elective, isn't it kind of your fault for agreeing to select it? stop being fearmongering. stop being defensive.
you fucking needed yours. you are almost weirdly protective of it. yours was so important for your physical and mental health. it helped you off hormonal birth control and even started helping some of your symptoms. it still fucking hurt for no fucking reason.
once while recovering from surgery, they offered you like 15 days of vicodin. you only took 2 of them. you've been offered oxy for tonsillitis. you turned down opioids while recovering from your wisdom tooth extraction. everything else has the option. you fucking drove yourself home after it, shocked and quietly weeping, feeling like something very bad had just happened. the nurse that held your hand during the experience looked down at you, tears in her eyes, and said - i know. this is cruelty in action.
and it's fucked up because the conversation is never just "hey, so the way we are doing this is fucking barbaric and doctors should be required to offer serious pain meds" - it's usually something around the lines of "well, it didn't kill you, did it?"
you just found out that removing that little bitch will hurt just as bad. a little pinch like how oral contraceptives have "some" serious symptoms. like your life and pain are expendable or not really important. like maybe we are all hysterical about it?
hysteria comes from the latin word for uterus, which is great!
you stand here at a crossroads. like - this thing is so important. did they really have to make it so fucking dangerous. and why is it that if you make a complaint, you're told - i didn't even want you to have this in the first place. we're told be careful what you wish for. we're told that it's our fault for wanting something so illict; we could simply choose not to need medication. that maybe if we don't like the scraps, we should get ready to starve.
we have been saying for so long - "i'm not asking you to remove the option, i'm asking you to reconsider the risk." this entire time we hear: well, this is what you wanted, isn't it?
#where's the word woman in this u might wonder if u suck#good news i am nonbinary and have a uterus so that is something that can happen#im also gender fluid tho which means im immune to certain psychic damage bc if u call me a woman i'll be like <3 okay <3#writeblr#the tightrope of ''ppl need access to this''#and like also#''what the fuck is going on over there'' is like. so difficult as an activist#i was <3 punctured <3 during mine#and almost bled out on the table :) they didn't have anyone standing by bc it's ''just a little insertion''#so i started crashing and i vaguely remember apologizing for the fuss as i heard my heart rate monitor start going <3 tachycardic <3#she wasn't even a bad doctor tbh#ps btw the reason i even HAD a heart monitor is that i have a genuine heart condition and they knew GOING IN that there was a chance#i'd crash on the table#like my heart just likes to do fun little tricks and <3 stop working <3 (i do not want to discuss the specifics ty i am okay im ontop of it#and they were like 'oh u will be fine' and then she did do a puncture thru my uterus . pop!#and im sitting there dizzy and feeling my heartrate start to drop bc it feels almost. beautiful. like. the whole ground just#woosh! out from under you. and shit is like grey's anatomy. i'm looking up at her grey eyes#she's old she wears this nice shawl she's like got Cool Lesbian vibes and people are sprinting into the room#from other parts of the clinic unrelated to me. while the monitor is like a little aria singing#and shes like hey youre okay stay awake stay with me something went wrong we have to keep trying#and i remember thinking - i was trying to think of nice things. i have so many beautiful places that now overlap#with this terrible memory#i became dimly aware that there was too much on her wrists and hands. like#that was too many liters#and then when they had finished all this. i packed up and drove myself home#i have had (bad thing) happen to me. and the same feeling happened after#that numb almost lamblike bleating. you cry without noise. like. ur body is so shocked and ur mind so empty#you just stare at the road and everything everything is happening behind glass and static and you are standing so far away from it#while you hold ur hands at 10 and 2. and something in ur brain is SCREAMING at you - IT WAS BAD AND IT SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED#and ur just watching the alarms in your body going off and youre thinking. a little pinch! ha. i think i just lost something important.
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rage.
#welcome to today's episode of “me trying to draw 76 different emotions at once”#rage+grief???sorrow??? anguish?????#hmmmmmmm#definitely pain#and a hint of fear#no but like he's angry but there's sadness underneath you get what i'm saying#the kind of rage caused by something that left you traumatized and you just can't stop thinking about how unfair it was#like “i didn't deserve this nobody deserves this” kind of rage#well anyway#i don't even care about anatomy at this point#just let me see how much i can distort the face and still have it somewhat resemble the character#didn't mean to draw him crying again but my hand slipped oops#astarion#bg3#baldur's gate 3#bg3 astarion#baldurs gate 3#astarion fanart
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if you ask me. being a good storyteller and love are inherently entwined. you cannot tell a good story without loving the people in it and loving those you tell it to. because to tell a good story is to understand it and its impact. to love is to understand how something moves through others and how to deliver it the way it would be best received. and how to breath life into something that did not exist before. storytelling is an act of creation sure but i do believe in all creation, there is love too. that there must be
#this is also sort of how i see/think about god#that if god isnt real. well then thats fine#god is the meaning we give to life. because as human beings we give things meaning. simply because we are humans and thats what we've alway#done. that could be god to me#but the other thing that could be 'god' is the idea that everything here is made with intention#not with the intent to control the outcome of the universe or the people within it but#with the intention to make something. and i do think that creation intention and love are inherently intertwined#txt#scratchpost
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quick draw and trigonometry
#SMILES grins#this took me forever to draw.... i mean i started it yesterday but anyway#puts a protractor up to my screen where am i#wanted to do an engie-centric drawing for once#doodles#tf2#tf2 engineer#tf2 spy#anyone that knows what inspired this gets a kiss on the mouth btw. or something
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