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j23r23 · 3 days

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Getaway Heart

Tangerine x Reader

angst & fluff

Warnings: blood & vomit

Word count: 3946

You’ve been a getaway driver since you got your license at 18, maneuvering through the streets with audacity and precision that caught the eye of all the right, and wrong, people. For the past ten years, you worked alone in the shadows, carving out a reputation as the go-to driver for high-stake jobs.

On a rainy evening, the twins handler, a no-nonsense woman with a penchant for dark sunglasses and cryptic instructions, invited you to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Madrid. The place smelled of oil and rubber. There she introduced you to the two men known only by their code names: Tangerine and Lemon. They were looking for a reliable driver, and their handler thought you fit the bill. You knew the Fruits were renowned in the industry for being very good at what they do but were slightly unhinged.

Tangerine was the first to step forward. He was tall and lean, with a sharp jawline and piercing blue eyes that seemed to dissect you with a single glance. Dressed in an impeccably tailored suit that contrasted starkly with the grime of the warehouse, he exuded an air of sophistication and control. His voice was smooth, almost velvety, “So, you’re the driver everyone’s talking about,” he said, his tone carrying a mix of skepticism and curiosity.

Lemon, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. Shorter and more muscular, he had a rugged look about him, with bleached hair and an an unpredictable glare. His attire was casual—jeans and a denim jacket—giving off a more approachable vibe. In his hand, he toyed with a small toy train, spinning it absentmindedly as he watched you.

The initial meeting didn’t go smoothly. Tangerine’s aloof demeanor and Lemon’s staring put you on edge. Tangerine scrutinized your every word and movement, as if searching for a weakness, while Lemon tested your patience with his relentless talk about trains.

“Look, love” Tangerine finally said, crossing his arms, “we don’t have time for screw-ups. We need someone who can handle the heat and think on their feet. Can you do that?”

You met his gaze, your jaw set in determination. “I’ve been doing this long enough to know that hesitation can get you killed. I can handle the heat. Question is, can you keep up? Oh and the names Orange, love.”

There was a moment of silence before Lemon burst into laughter. “I like this one,” he said, clapping you on the shoulder. “Got some fire in her.”

Tangerine’s lips curled into a faint smile, the first sign of approval. “Alright Orange,” he said. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The memory made you grin.

Right after meeting the twins you had your first job together and it was utter chaos—shit hit the fan, sirens blaring, guns a blazing and the scent of burnt rubber hanging heavy in the air. You were behind the wheel, the adrenaline coursing through your veins as you navigated the streets of Madrid with precision.

"Tangerine, we've got company!" Lemon's tone was annoyed.

Tangerine, cool and collected, leaned out of the window, firing off shots with deadly accuracy. "I can see that, Lemon! Im not blind!"

You couldn't help but roll your eyes, as the banter between the twins was getting on your nerves. "Would you two save the chatter for later? I'm trying to concentrate here!"

Lemon laughed. "Relax, Orange, we've got this under control."

You just rolled your eyes and literally put your foot down, pushing the pedal to the metal.

Tangerine, sitting in the seat behind you, clung to the door handle, as hes being pushed back by the force of the speeding car. "Bloody hell, Orange? " he shouted, his voice a mix of panic and irritation.

Lemon, in the backseat, looked even worse. His face was pale, and he was gripping the headrest in front of him for dear life. "For the love of all that's holy, slow down!”

You smirked, your eyes darting between the road and the rearview mirror. "Relax, boys. Let me do my job and i let you do yours" you said, narrowly missing a pedestrian who decided now was the perfect time to jaywalk.

"Relax? Relax?!" Tangerine's voice went up an octave. "We’ve got the entire Mafia of Madrid after us, how in hell am i supposed to work when you’re driving like a maniac!"

You took a sharp turn, the tires screeching in protest. The car tilted dangerously, but you managed to keep it from flipping. Lemon made a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a growl. "If we die, I’m haunting your ass!"

"Hold on to something!" you yelled, spotting a narrow alleyway ahead. Without hesitation, you swerved into it, the car barely fitting between the buildings. The side mirrors scraped against the brick walls, sending sparks flying.

Tangerine’s knuckles were white from gripping the door handle. "Jesus Christ, woman!"

You chuckled, adrenaline pumping through your veins. "I got hired for my driving skills, remember?"

Lemon let out a strangled laugh. "Skills? More like suicidal tendencies!"

As you burst out of the alley and back onto a busy street, a car tried to cut you off. With a quick flick of the wheel, you sideswiped it, sending it crashing into a parked truck. "One down, a few dozen to go," you quipped, glancing at your handiwork in the mirror.

"Just keep us in one piece!" Tangerine barked, looking both impressed and terrified.

You sped towards an upcoming construction site, an idea forming in your mind. "Hold tight," you warned, accelerating even more.

"Oh hell no!" Lemon groaned, clearly dreading your next move.

You aimed for a ramp leading up to a half-built overpass. As the car launched into the air, all three of you screamed—though in your case, it was more of a whoop of excitement. The car soared over the gap, landing with a bone-jarring thud on the other side. The cars that are chasing you weren’t so lucky; the first few smashed into the gap, creating a massive pileup.

Tangerine looked at you with wide eyes, his breath coming in short gasps. "You’re absolutely mad, you know that?"

Lemon, still clutching the headrest, nodded fervently. "Completely off your rocker."

You gave them a cheeky grin. "But i got rid of them, no?"

As the car sped away from the chaos behind, Tangerines eyes still held a hint of disbelief. "Yeah, and somehow we made it out alive."

Lemon slumped back in his seat, finally letting go of the headrest. "Next time, I’m driving."

You laughed, the thrill of the chase still coursing through you. "Sure."

After a few more sharp turns you finally pull into a secluded garage. You killed the engine, the sudden silence almost deafening after the chaos.

"You two okay back there?" you had asked, trying to suppress a smirk.

Lemon had groaned, his face pale as a sheet. "I think I'm gonna be sick," he had mumbled, clutching his stomach.

Tangerine had shot him a glare before leaning out of the window, retching onto the pavement. "You’re a bloody lunatic!” he had grumbled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

You turn in your seat looking at the boys smiling. Tangerine shook his head, laughing despite himself. “Remind me never to question your driving skills again.”

“Deal” you replied.

After that night, the three of you went through countless jobs together, facing danger with unwavering trust in one another. As time passed, your feelings toward Tangerine began to change. Working alongside him, it became increasingly difficult to ignore the way your heart fluttered whenever he flashed a rare smile or the way your pulse quickened at his touch.

The more jobs you pulled, the deeper your affection for him grew, and the harder it became to suppress your emotions.

And now, something feels off. As you sit in the driver's seat of your idling car, the engine's purr does little to calm your anxious nerves. The night is heavy with tension, the rearview mirror becoming your only solace. You glance back repeatedly, your mind racing through every possible outcome of tonight's job.

Tonight's mission was supposed to be a straightforward smash and grab. The target: a high-end jewelry store fronting as a money laundering operation for one of the city's major crime syndicates in London. Intelligence indicated minimal security—just a couple of guards, easily neutralized. Tangerine and Lemon were tasked with infiltrating, grabbing the goods, and getting out before anyone noticed. Simple, clean, efficient.

You were parked in the back alley of the building, engine running, ready for the signal. The minutes stretched on, each one feeling like an hour. Something gnawed at your gut, a premonition that things weren't going according to plan. You'd run through every escape route, every contingency, but no amount of planning could shake the unease that had settled over you.

The longer you waited, the more your thoughts drifted back to Tangerine. His smile, his confidence, the way he always seemed to know what to say to calm you down. You remember the first time he took a bullet for you, the fear in his eyes replaced by a grim determination. He had laughed it off, calling you a softie for worrying. That was Tangerine—fearless, almost reckless, but with a heart that beat fiercely for those he cared about.

You trusted them both with your life, but tonight, that trust felt more like a lifeline, taut and fraying with each passing second.

The rearview mirror offers no new insights, just the darkened street and the distant sounds of the city. You grip the steering wheel tighter. You can almost hear Tangerine’s voice, telling you to stay calm, to trust the plan. But the plan is starting to feel like a distant memory, overshadowed by a growing fear that this time, things won’t go as smoothly as they always have.

And then, like a thunderclap, the back door of the building bursts open.

Suddenly, Lemon bursts through the back door of the building, supporting a hunched over Tangerine. It's clear that this simple job has gone terribly wrong. As they stagger closer, you see the blood—Tangerine is losing a lot of it. You reverse the car and drive towards them. Lemon yanks open the back door, practically shoving Tangerine inside before he climbs in himself.

"Go, go, go!" Lemon shouts, urgency in his voice.

You change immediately into first and slam the gas pedal to the floor, the tires screeching as the car lurches forward. The doors are barely closed, but you don’t have time to worry about that. In the rearview mirror, you see Lemon struggling to put pressure on one of Tangerines wounds, while the latter squirms in pain.

"What the fuck happened?" you demand, weaving through traffic with precision.

"Tangerine underestimated the Job, didn't wear his west and got shot," Lemon replies, his voice strained. Tangerine just groans, clearly in too much pain to speak.

"You didn't wear your fucking west?" you scoff, your hands gripping the wheel tightly. "You always chastise us when we're not wearing one, what the fuck were you thinking!"

"Yeah, well," Tangerine mutters in pain, "we all make mistakes."

You maneuver through the city's maze-like streets, dodging late-night traffic and running red lights. The city's neon lights cast eerie reflections inside the car, illuminating the tense scene. The smell of blood fills the air, and you can hear Tangerine's labored breathing from the back seat.

"You better not die on me, Tangerine," you say, your voice tight with a mixture of fear and anger. "I’m not dealing with your expensive funeral."

Tangerine tries to laugh, but it turns into a pained groan. "Always… so considerate," he manages to say between gasps.

"Save your strength, mate," Lemon says, pressing another wad of cloth against Tangerine's bleeding abdomen. "We need you to stay awake."

The car roars down a narrow alleyway, the tires barely gripping the slick pavement as you take a sharp turn. You can feel the tension in the air, thick and suffocating. Every second counts, and the safehouse feels a million miles away.

"I swear, if we make it out of this alive, you're going to owe me one pristine car cleaning," you assert firmly, your voice tinged with worry.

"Deal," Tangerine replies, his eyes closing. Lemon looks at you through the rearview mirror "Just get us there in one piece."

You weave through the final stretch of city streets, your knuckles white on the steering wheel. The safehouse looms ahead, a nondescript building that has become your haven in times of crisis. You screech to a halt after driving into the garage, the car barely stopping before you pull the handbrake.

"Help me get him inside," Lemon says, rushing out and opening the back door. Together, you and Lemon half-carry, half-drag Tangerine towards the entrance, his blood leaving a grim trail behind you.

"Hang on, Tan," you whisper, your voice breaking despite your best efforts to stay calm. "We're almost there."

Inside the safehouse, the familiar surroundings offer little comfort. You clear the kitchen table with a sweep of your arm, sending everything crashing to the floor.

"Lay him down here," you instruct. "I need to see how bad it is."

Tangerine's eyes flutter open, and he looks up at you with a weak smile. "You always did know how to make things dramatic, love" he jokes, his voice barely a whisper.

"Shut up," you say, your throat tight. "Just let me fix you up."

As you rip open his shirt, revealing the extent of his injuries, the reality of the situation hits you like a punch to the gut. Four bullet wounds, two in his left shoulder one in his right arm and the worst is stuck in his right side. This isn't just another job gone wrong. This is a fight for survival. And in this moment, all you can think about is keeping Tangerine alive.

"You ruined my Burberry suit," Tangerine complains weakly, attempting a half-hearted smirk.

"I said, shut up," you snap, your voice tight with worry. Your hands move quickly, working to stop the bleeding. Tears blur your vision, but you force yourself to focus, ignoring the emotional storm brewing inside you.

Lemon stands by, trying to keep pressure on the wounds. He looks at you, concern etched on his face. "You alright?" he asks, noticing your tears.

You nod, the gravity of the situation weighing heavily on your shoulders. Each bullet you extract from Tangerine's flesh elicits a pained scream that reverberates through the room and it slices through you like a knife. But you steel yourself against the anguish, focusing solely on the task at hand. With each bullet removed, Tangerine's body relaxes a fraction, but his agony remains palpable.

Exhaustion settles over him like a heavy shroud, and he slumps back, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. You work quickly, stitching him up as best you can with trembling hands, the urgency of the situation lending you a sense of clarity.

Once Tangerine is bandaged and relatively stable, you turn your attention to the smaller cuts and abrasions littering his body. With gentle care, you clean away the blood, your movements deliberate and precise as you tend to his wounds.

When you finally finish, you look to Lemon, concern etched into your features. "You got any injuries?" you ask, your voice laced with worry.

He shakes his head, his gaze unwavering as he grabs a blanket and pillow, arranging them to make Tangerine's makeshift bed a little more comfortable.

You look at your blood covered hands and your mind starts to race,

The reality of the situation sinking in. Despite your years of experience you can't shake the feeling of helplessness that washes over you. You've faced danger countless times before, but this time feels different.

As you turn to wash the blood away in the sink, Lemon appears at your side. His eyes hold a depth of understanding that cuts through the turmoil in your soul.

"Not exactly the night we planned, huh?" Lemon tries to joke, but his voice wavers.

"Yeah…" you reply, forcing a smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes.

"You love him, don't you?" Lemon's voice breaks the silence, gentle but insistent.

You pause, the question hanging in the air. Tears spill over, and you nod, holding in a sob. "Yes," you whisper, your voice cracking. "I do."

Wordlessly, he reaches out, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. His touch is grounding.

With a steadying breath, you push aside the tumult of emotions threatening to overwhelm you.

You look back at your shaking hands seeing the sink run red as you rinse the rest of Tans blood away, the water swirling slowly like the tension in your chest. The room feels both too small and too vast, the weight of everything pressing down on you.

Lemon's eyes soften with understanding. "Does he know?" he asks gently.

You shake your head, tears now flowing freely. "No," you manage to choke out.

Lemon gives you a sad smile and pats your back. "It's gonna be okay. He's tough. He'll pull through. He's Tangerine, after all."

You look over at Tangerine, his face pale and his breathing shallow. The sight of him like this, so vulnerable, breaks something inside you. You sink to your knees beside the table, clutching his hand in yours, your tears falling onto his bloodstained shirt.

"I should have told him, “ You whisper, your voice breaking. "I should have told him every day."

Lemon kneels beside you, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears. "He knows," he says softly. "Somehow, he knows. And he’s fighting.”

The room is silent except for the faint, labored breathing of Tangerine. You press your forehead to Tangerine's hand, your sobs shaking your entire body.

"Please, don't leave me," you whisper, your voice raw with pain. "I can't do this without you."

"He's going to make it," Lemon murmurs, more to himself than to you. "He has to."

You cling to those words, praying that they're true. Because the thought of a world without Tangerine is too much to bear.

When the morning sun shines through the kitchen window, you stir, the warm light nudging you awake. You jolt up, immediately checking on Tangerine and relieved to find him still breathing, albeit slowly. His chest rises and falls steadily, and a wave of relief washes over you. Your body aches from the uncomfortable sleeping position, but you ignore it, stretching briefly before moving around the kitchen to make some coffee, the familiar routine grounding you.

Suddenly, you hear a faint sound. Turning around, you see Tangerine, though barely conscious, calling out for you, reaching out weakly.

"Hey, " he murmurs, his eyes fluttering closed but a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

You rush to his side, your heart heavy yet light with relief. “don't go too far" he whispers, his hand finding yours.

"Lemon!" you call out, your voice trembling with a mix of emotions. "Lemon, get in here!"

Lemon appears in the doorway, eyes widening as he takes in the scene. "What's going on? Is he—?"

"He's awake," you say, unable to contain the sob that escapes your lips. "He's going to be okay."

Lemon's face softens with a mixture of relief and joy. He steps forward, placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder. "I told you he's tough," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "Tan doesn't go down that easily."

You nod, unable to speak, the relief washing over you in waves. You stay by Tangerines side, his hand still clasped in yours, feeling the weight of the nights fear and uncertainty lift just a little.

Lemon places a gentle hand on your shoulder, his voice soft but firm. "You need to rest. Take a shower, change into some fresh clothes. I'll keep an eye on him."

You hesitate, glancing back at Tangerine "Are you sure?" you ask, your voice wavering with concern.

"I'm sure," Lemon reassures you, giving your shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "You look like shit."

"Thanks, Lem." you shake your head and make your way to the bathroom. The hot water cascading over you feels like a much-needed cleanse, washing away the grime and the fear of the night. You change into fresh clothes, feeling a bit more human, and take a moment to steady yourself before heading back to the kitchen.

When you return, you see Lemon leaning close to Tangerine, their voices low as Tangerine attempts to sit up, wincing with every movement. Lemon supports him, and you quickly move to their side, slipping an arm around Tangerine to help. Together, you guide him into one of the bedrooms, easing him onto the bed so he can rest more comfortably.

"Thanks," Tangerine murmurs, his face still pale but his eyes more focused.

"You need to rest," you say, brushing a damp strand of hair from his forehead. "We'll be right outside." As you and Lemon turn to leave, Tangerine's voice stops you.

"Wait." His hand reaches out, grabbing yours weakly. You look at Lemon, who gives you a knowing nod.

"I'll give you two some privacy," he says softly. "Call if you need anything."

You nod at Lemon before turning back to Tangerine. "You scared the living daylight out of me last night," you admit, your voice trembling slightly as you sit on the edge of the bed, Tangerine's hand still clasped in yours.

"I didn't mean to," he replies, a weak smile playing on his lips. "But I guess I did give that Burberry suit a run for its money."

You manage a small laugh, tears of relief filling your eyes. "I guess I owe you a new shirt," you say, your voice breaking with emotion as you remember ripping it off him to stop the bleeding.

"And i owe you a pristine car cleaning," he replies, squeezing your hand tightly, his smile widening.

Your laughter fades and you sit in silence for a moment, gathering your courage. You know that now is the time to speak your heart. “Tan I—” you begin, but Tangerine interrupts, his expression soft.

"Thank you." He looks down for a second, watching his hand play with yours. “Sorry, you were saying,” he looks back up into your eyes.

You blink in confusion, feeling your cheeks flush. "Oh, erm… you don’t have to thank me. It’s... it’s part of the job." you mumble.

Tangerine’s grip on your hand tightens, his eyes never leaving yours. "It’s more than just a job to you, isn’t it?"

You swallow hard, the truth pressing against your lips. "Yes," you whisper, barely able to hold back the tears. "It’s more. So much more."

He nods, a bittersweet smile on his face. "Lemon might have hinted at it before, but I’ve suspected for a while."

A mixture of relief and embaressement washes over you. "Lemon and his big mouth," you mutter, a weak laugh escaping your lips.

Tangerine chuckles, but winces in pain. You scold him lightly. "Don’t laugh, you idiot. You need to rest."

He grins despite the pain, bringing his hand to your cheek. "Will you stay?"

You lean into his hand, feeling his touch. "I'll stay." you whisper, tears falling freely now.

Tangerine’s eyes soften, and he reaches out to brush a tear from your cheek. "I’ve been feeling the same way you know. For a while actually."

Your heart races, and you struggle to find your voice. "What?" Tangerine’s eyes flick between your eyes and your lips before he closes the gap, kissing you softly. The kiss is tender, filled with all the unspoken emotions you’ve both been holding back.

Its a clusterfuck, but someone might like it...

#tangerine bullet train x reader #tangerine 🍊#tangerine fic #bullet train tangerine #bullet train #tangerine fanfiction #tangerine #tangerine bullet train #tangerine x reader #aaron taylor johnson fic #aaron taylor johnson #tangerine fanfic #tangerine and lemon

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dappersautismcreature · 9 hours

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Hey qblr,

You guys made my 2023 unfathomably better, it cant be calculated where id be if not for this place and this community. Not to get sad but a little over a year ago now, on January 17th, my friend and roommate in college got hit by a car and killed, along with their dog. it was sudden and horrible and i was very quickly super depressed. But soon, the qsmp came along, and you guys did too. Having a community that was consistent, fun, and kind, was exactly what i needed. I won’t go into detail about my mental health this year but lets just say it was bad, but again, having this community to wake up to made everything ok.

I’ve been in the greater mcyt community on tumblr since 2021 but qsmp was when i really started liveblogging and making friends.

Thank you all for actually enjoying my rambles about politics and media, and video essays and qbad and the federation etc etc. Shaking hands with my soulfire comrades, and my starhalo and maxhalo lovers.

Dont kill me if i forget people i swear i think about every single one of my mutuals every night before i go to sleep (/j)

@skullhalo i have to start with you lim, one of the first mutuals i ever talked to and you have been constantly kind to me, I’m so glad we’re mutuals. Also dude you need to draw more O__o ur art is amazing. See you on qblrsmp >:DD (which you helped create which is so so cool seriously)

@murky-tannin long time no see! I swear i havent been able to see your posts in a long time for some reason. But i miss talking shit with you and you are also one of my oldest mutuals. Thanks for getting me to watch madoka magica lmaoo

@disfrutalakia another one of my oldest mutuals in this fandom, i think you are so cool dude. Loved how you spearheaded the bus ride into purgatory and your constant ideas and creativity! We need to hang out on qblrsmp more

@starry-bugs dude i was so excited when you followed me back you’ve always had such cool posts and i love interacting with you! Based as hell, jaiden poster, 10/10

@constella have to include my oldest mcyt mutual, we’ve been following eachother since the eternalduo trenches lmaoo. i love your foolish posting and being a consistent guy on my dash. Also your art slaps, do more of that pleeease 🥺

@tubborucho and @terezicaptor thank you for being my tubbling informants and making me see how similar we are in terms of mains. You guys were consistently kind, funny, and amazing. I was rooting for your little guy and his egg and his boyfriend.

And , @daddyboyhalo, @flygonydoo, @belovedstilldear, @cheezy-posts, @steelstreqq,

@fitmc , @globiceps , @cellgatinbo

all of you are my family on the qblrsmp and i love love love hanging out with you all. its been a wild month already and you guys are so nice to me. im looking forward to when the server starts back up and where itll take me this summer. <3 rosas

and of course @kingshadows1001 and @rib0mbees and @sinning-moon and bixx, thanks for being my minecraft parents!!

#qsmp #qblr letter

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pbandcc · 1 day

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Im sorry

Pov: paige and you get into a fight

Warnings: angst swearing

Today has been quite literally one of the most exhausting days you’ve had in a while you were stressed out the max and your anxiety was at an all time high. All you wanted to do was go home and see your beautiful girlfriend.

My love

Hi baby

Hi paigey

I have some bad news

Coach scheduled a last

minute practice

Oh okay i’ll see you

when your done love

you

This was your breaking point you walked to your car and sat there trying not to cry for a good 10 minutes before you drove home. By the time you got home paige’s practice was just now starting so you knew you had 2 hours to decompress. You took a shower put on some clothes and started watching a movie but still you were still really emotional. You heard the door open and shut harshly then a huff of aggression the sound of shoes and a pair of keys being thrown around.

“Paige is that you?”

“Who else would it be?” she asked sourly.

“I don’t know i was just making sure” you mumbled “how was practice?”

“it was fine”

“what’s wrong”

“Damn why do you ask so many questions.” paige asked.

That shit you right up tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

“I’m s-“

“I swear to go if you say i’m sorry y/n you need to learn how to stick up for yourself”

Paige was just nitpicking at you since she got home. Your emotional state wasn’t making it any better. Tears were rolling down your face now, paige taking a notice of it.

“Why are you crying?” she’s asked rudely.

“Oh i don’t know maybe because my girlfriend has been nothing but a dick since she’s gotten home”

“oh really i’ve been a dick says the one who’s mad at me over something i can’t control!”

“What the hell are you talking about not once did i say i was mad at you?”

“You’re texts say otherwise “oh okay i’ll see you when you’re done love you” sounds super friendly and not like your mad at me at all!”

“Paige i have had a shit ass day okay and you yelling at me isn’t gonna make it better” you sigh “i’m sorry that you had a rough practice but don’t take it out on me.”

“Oh so you think i haven’t had a rough day”

“oh my god i never said that either” you huff “stop putting word in my mouth”

“wow looks like someone grew a backbone” she mumbles “finally i won’t have to stick up for your ass”

“Paige madison bueckers”

“What, what did i do this time you know i should have went to aubrey’s if i knew my girlfriend was gonna be a bitch.”

That was it paige calling you a bitch plus everything else added was your last straw you just broke down crying.

“god paige i can handle you being rude about me not being able to stick up for myself but that shit hurt” you sob

Paige didn’t notice the word that were coming out of here mouth until she said them.

“maybe we should take a break then”

“w-what”

“i’m gonna go stay at aubrey’s” she mumbles

“no paigey please don’t please don’t leave me” you hug yourself and sob as she packs a bag.

“i’m sorry” paige said as she left leaving you on the floor sobbing

Sorry if this is bad lmk if i should do a part 2

#paige buckets #paige bueckers #emily engstler #caitlin clark #azzi fudd #aubrey griffin #kk arnold #kate martin

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odairsangel · 1 day

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IMAGINATIONS (or reality) / r. cameron

warnings: smut, profanity, virgin, cream-pie daydream, feral sex daydream, degradation, praise, mentions of size kink but not really related to the story

a/n: didn't do a proofread.

——————

You and Rafe had been dating, he took things slow since you where a virgin but one day, he just couldn't help but want to fuck your little virgin-cunt, he would start moving when you thought you were done again, growling and panting into your neck, rutting into you like a damned animal.

Dragging your hips up so he could get a better angle to fuck into and maybe he snarls as he pounds into his cunt as he cums again, shuddering the whole way. by the time he's done with you your hole is dripping and im almost crying into the bed with how good it all feels while he cleans you up.

But that was just his imagination, what was yours? Is a question he always wanted to ask but never wanted to ask. He still was taking it slow, or maybe he was just going to push you today to see what you would do, maybe you two would get to fuck. Maybe.

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

“Hey, y/n can you come to my office?” Rafe’s voice reverberated off the walls as he shifts in his spinning chair. As his office door cracks open and he sees your face—it was like immediate sunshine, he smiled softly “Hi, baby.”

“Hi Rafey.” You stepped in the room smiling and in a love daze. “Your really beautiful in that suit.” Carefully, you walk to stand behind his chair, your fingertips massaging into Rafe’s scalp.

Rafe let out a low hum, almost a purr, "You look real pretty in my hoodie, baby."—it was true though, you where wearing one of his black 'Carhartt' hoodies, and to make it worse you where wearing a pair of shorts you were doing things to him, and you didn't even know.

You weren't completely innocent yourself, you loved comparing hand sizes, you loved how your body slotted perfectly into his arms, it was something that turned you on, you were just to shy to ask for help when it came to your needs. "Thank you, Ray." You whispered nuzzling your nose into his short buzzcut.

Without a warning you felt him pull you into his lap "I know we've been taking it slow and shit, but can you help me? It's alright if you say no." Rafe massaged you scalp, letting you melt in his arms.

You nodded lightly, maybe cock-whipped, but it was fine. "I wanna help you, Ray." You played with the hem of your shorts. Nervousness hit you fast as you crawled down on your knees, you where practically under his desk as he unzipped his work pants, slowly working his way to his Cavin Klein boxers.

Once his boxers hit the floor his cock nearly hit your face, letting making you let out a small whine. Rafe grips your hair into a makeshift ponytail, abusing his cock down your throat. “Good.. good girl.” He lets out a low groan. He keeps your head on his cock, bopping up and down.

“Mm.. ‘m so close baby.” Before you could muffle back a answer he released his load in your mouth “C’mon, swallow it.” He pulls your chin up, closing your mouth, forcing you to swallow his load.

The salty aftertaste filled your mouth, making you gag—you weren’t used to the taste, after all. “Mm. Can we go take a shower, Ray?” You whined out.

“Yeah of course, baby.” He took off his blazer, wearing his button-up long sleeved shirt, which of course as per usual he was fine as hell doing it. He stood up, hoisting you onto him. "Let's getcha all cleaned up." He walked to the bathroom, setting you down.

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

The shower let out a hiss as Rafe twisted the knob to make sure it wasn't to hot nor to cold, after all; he didn't want his precious baby to get burned or freeze, or any hypothetical that probably wouldn't happen. But precautions couldn't hurt any body, right? Yeah. "Alright, undress f'me." Rafe murmured, unbuttoning his shirt, then taking off his pants along with his boxers.

"Rafey, can you help me with my bra?" You giggled teasingly, you knew damn well how to take off your bra, you just felt like being a fucking tease. Then that grin he always gave you, that knowing grin. "Actually, Ray. Nevermind." "Nah baby" "Ray, please. Not here."

"Nah since you wanna be a fucking tease 'm gon' treat you like a slut 'cause you been fuckin' 'round to much and I ain't been punishing you f'ya teasing." He unclipped your bra, tugging at the waistbands of your shorts "No underwear? You fuckin' slut. I thought I bought you some." Rafe roughly shoves you into the sink, bending you over. He had gripped your hair in a tight grasp, forcing you to look at yourself in the mirror.

"Ray!" You whined out as you felt his length press into you. You rolled your head against his shoulder as he thrusted into you, for a second your head stayed on his shoulder, before her grabbed your hair, forcing your face down to make you look at yourself in the mirror.

"Stop fuckin' moving, and stop clenching. 'M gon cum in you without getting a good few 'ol thrusts in, yeah?" Rafe abused his way into you, your little once-virgin cunt throbbing at every thrust, his hand forcing your head down. "You like that, yeah?" You shake your head no, making Rafe stop "Baby, what's wrong, did it hurt?" "Mhm" "Want me to go slower?" "Mhm" And so he did. Sure he had a rough nature, but since you were a virgin and this was your first time, he didn't want you to have a bad experience.

"Tha.. thank you!" You mewled out as he thrusted into you "Ray!" You gripped the sinks edge. He thruste painfully slowly, part of it because it was your first time, part of it because he felt like it.

"Can I go a little faster baby?" Rafe whispered into your ear as he gripped your hair. Your head was pulsating with a headache, it felt like your brain had a heart. "Or do you needa cum, I'm not one to judge."

"You can go faster, 'm be alright, but 'm close." You grunted out as he sped up, the pain going away but your headache growing, your head was pounding furiously, a feel more thrusts and you released your load not shortly after Rafe did.

Your stained glassy face glimmered in Rafe's point of view, maybe what he wanted didn't come true, but he got pretty damn close "God baby, you so fuckin' fine." He ran his hand over your hair, untangling it with his hands. "'m gon go grab you some clothes, I'll be right back." He walks away to grab clothes

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

Curled up in yours and Rafe's bed, watching Rio, the first one, specifically because you'd been wanting to rewatch it anyway—no matter how childish it may have seemed to any once else, Rafe found it fucking adorable watching you curled up under his grip, watching the movie intensely.

"You like that movie baby girl?" Rafe whispered into your hair.

You nodded "Mhm. My favorite movie." You curled closer to Rafe, enjoying the moment until you drifted into a soft sleep, making Rafe let out a chuckle.

"Night, baby girl. See you in the morning." Rafe whispered into your ear, pecking a kiss on your forehead before turning off the movie, falling asleep with you.

#rafe obx #outer banks #rafe cameron #outerbanks rafe #rafe imagine #rafe outer banks #obx #rafe x reader #outer banks smut #rafe fic

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fictionalreads · 3 days

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9-1-1 Season 7 Episode 9

Bobby

Awe Bobby. You deserve it. Take the medal.

WHAT?! Bobby no. You can’t leave. I don’t allow it.

Oh God will I have to watch him tell Buck? I don’t think I can handle that.

I don’t like this goodbye without saying it montage.

Athena was just trying to help.

Oh wow we’re going there. I love ABC. Can they acquire Lone Star when Fox inevitably cancels it?

Oh he’s having a dead daddy dream.

No Bobby your book is not the reason your dad drunk so heavily.

Ah shit did Amir do this? (Yes I’m calling him Amir in this cause Theo would never)

That’s a lot of fire.

No. NO I REFUSE IT BOBBY GET UP

AND THEN IT ENDS!!

Buck

RAVI 😂

LMAO Nah they just wish he was dead.

Oh shit he finally meets Kim. Awkward.

Buck just spit it out.

Hen

Lady. Your son was drunk. He refused care. That’s not her fault.

LMAO Not Bobby saying she’s raising Eddie and Buck

It was that councilwoman! She’s a bitch.

Ortiz needs to disappear.

ORTIZ NEEDS HER ASS WHOOPED

Eddie

Eddie no. Why are we still doing this?

Damn he’s more romantic with his side chick than his actual girlfriend.

But damn does she see him “you have more to give than you think anyone can take”

Eddie your excuses are weak.

Oh wow he told Kim.

Oh Eddie. These are the things you discuss in therapy.

Is this a dream or is she trying to help him?

SOME FANFIC WEITER IS IN THE WRITERS ROOM CAUSE THAT LINE ABOUT “I RAN TOO BUT I CAME BACK?! Straight fanfic.

Oh shit Chris and Marisol.

Miscellaneous

Yesterday was a long day and I ended up going to bed early so I missed the premiere, BUT IM HERE NOW

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE why did they show Buck in the family snapshot after Tommy’s name but they showed Eddie in the one after Buck’s name was called 😏😏 Buddie here we come.

Ravi is a mood “I’m here for the free food”

Captain Gerard is still an ass.

Why is it that when Buck is going through some shit, everybody else is somewhat stable (like they might be dealing with something but nothing super heavy) but when Buck is stable, all hell is breaking loose for everybody else at the same time?

Oh wow. What an episode.

This might be one of my favorite episodes.

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bunnyreaper · 8 months

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johnny has noticed you've been growing distant, so he asks ghost to help him out.

(18+/mdni, dubcon/noncon, toxic behaviour, manipulation, infidelity)

johnny wasn't sure the first time he noticed it, but recently something had changed. where before you used to react to his smothering with clinginess of your own, lately, you've started to withdraw. you squirm free from his tight hugs, make excuses not to have sex, you don't tell him how you're feeling anymore.

he knows he's losing you, knows you're slipping right out of his grasp and he doesn't know what to do to stop it. at first he tried to hold on stronger--would make more excuses to be around you, but it never worked.

ghost is at his wits end watching johnny climb the walls--with his actions growing more reckless, his temper flaring up so easily. its ghost who offers his help, expecting johnny to invite him out for a pint and a chat.

what johnny asks floors him, what floors ghost more is that he accepts.

it was almost too easy, johnny knew all your usernames, knew the communities you liked to frequent. ghost just slipped into one like he'd been there the whole time, an anonymous face following you and sharing your interests. a few comments here, some likes there--and you were so nice, so willing to make friends. it was easy for ghost, or his fake persona, to work his way into your dms and your confidence.

late nights texting until the early hours, all while you slipped further and further away from johnny.

ghost coaxed so many things out of you, cute selfies, stories about your life, conversations about your boyfriend.

and that whole time, ghost was your shoulder to cry on, ever so slightly pushing your boundaries at johnny's request, while you desperately try to stay loyal. he was always there to listen when you and johnny had a fight over god knows what, and he was always so balanced, trying to get you to see your boyfriends side, trying to get you to concede how your boyfriend was doing these things because he just cared so much.

your new friend confused the fuck out of you. on one hand, they seemed interested in you, some comments that could be misinterpreted as flirting, and they always gave their undivided attention, and yet they always played at being johnny's advocate. maybe you wanted to read too much into it, maybe you wanted them to want you because you wanted them--the distance between you and johnny having become too much.

you tried to flirt back, tried to get to know the stranger more, and he always gave you just enough to keep you hooked, but not enough to make you cross any real lines. johnny seemed to have long given up on making things work, having withdrawn himself. when the guilt and the loneliness overcomes you, you wonder how you can rebuild things with him, how you can back to where you were, but it all seems so futile.

you missed the way you used to feel with him, how certain you felt of everything--but these days none of it made sense anymore.

the breakdown comes swiftly, you're gently and unknowingly coaxed to it by your online friend, while johnny waits to sweep in and pick up all the pieces. you find yourself crying and begging for your new friend to meet you, to give you just a bit of light in such a confusing time.

he gives you the name of a hotel, a time and date, and a glimmer of hope for the first time in a long time. you find yourself slipping into a nice dress, some makeup--putting in effort so your new friend doesn't think you're a mess. that's what you tell yourself.

you're a nervous wreck as you make your way to the room number he gave, the door ajar when you arrive, coaxing you to step inside. this is it, the moment of no return, where you step away from johnny and step toward him.

imagine your surprise when you step into the room to see ghost waiting there, sitting on the bed.

"fuck, simon?! don't tell johnny, please." you beg and plead, panic coursing through you.

ghost just smirks behind his mask, leans back casually.

"don't tell johnny what, bonnie?" you feel his sickening touch on your skin, the feeling of him slipping behind you, you smell his familiar cologne. "tell me that you were coming here to get fucked by somebody that isn't me?"

he snarls, hand wrapping around your neck as you try to explain yourself.

"well ghost, she came here to get fucked. what d'ya say we give my girl what she really wanted?"

#soap mactavish x reader #ghost x soap x reader #soap x reader #ghost x reader #ghoap x reader #johnny soap mactavish x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #this is shit and im going to hell but i needed to get it out #evil brain!!! stinky brain!!!#i feel like this is too inconcise and doesnt pack the punch i want but whatever #inspired by dearly beloved in the weirdest way 💛

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beeduoo · 27 days

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originnssssss who remembers origins i Loved origins

#origins smp #i heard theres been like three failed origins revivals WHAT EVEN HAPPENED i was only there for the first one😅#beeduo #otubbo #oranboo #beeduo fanart #i rewatched some origins streams a little while ago oh my god theyre SO FUNNY #DUDE DOES ANUONE REMMEBER THAT ONE STREAM I COUDLNT FIND RHIS ONE STREAM #IR WAS LIKE THE ONE WHERE TUBBO WAS SINGING SUGAR BY MAROON FIVE and they were being really Funny thay shit h #ad me CRYING in 2021 Please i swear this happened imnot crazy but also they might have been separate streams actuallu i dont rememebr its #been wayyyyyyy too long #BUT IT HAPPENED I PROMISE Sorry i've been gone for a while ive been very busy lots of Things going on went to Six flags then jad a surprise #bday party then i had to buy shoes for prom then Go to prom and also i do figure skating and am out like every day idknt have Time im sorry☹#had a crepe yesterday it was sooooo goood im like learning to drive too that shit is boring as hell my dad kept gettign 😑 bc i couldn't stop #yawning DRIVING IS SO BORING its not my fault😭😭😭😭#ok what else ohhhh. y god i locked in SO HARD for this physics essay u guys dont even knowim getting ONE HUNDRED on that trust i just really #wanted to share ok i love you bge #WAIT ACTUALLT SORRU IM LIKE REMMEBERJNG THE ORIGINS STREAMS K WAYCHED #RANBOO WAS SO FUCKING FUNNT IN THOSE STREAMS TOO LIKE I REMEMBER NIKI WANTED TO SEE THEIR BASE and tubbo was like ooh maybe we can put like #water down here for you niki we need a water system and ranwas like Do we though?I WAD WAYCHING THAT .LIKE DAMMMNNNNNN OM LIKE GIGGLING WRIT #ING THIS RIGHT NOW I CAN HEARTHE CLIP HE DID NOTTT WANT HER IJNTHEIR BASE😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I NEED TO FIDN THAT STREAM WHERE IRS LIKE TOMMY AND JACK A D FHEHRE LOKE TALKING ABOUT DUOS AND THEN JACK SAYS THE MOST OUT OF POCKET SHIT I #VE EVER HEARD LKKE I LITERALLU HAD TK PAUSE. H PHONE AND BURST OUR LAUHJIMG MY JAW WAS ON THE FLOORRRRR DO U GUYS R EME ER WTF IM TLAKING AB #OUT IDK HOW TO FIND THESE STREAMS Oh my god u really Had to be there early 2021 that was liye the funniest era of mt life i wlild be #Tearing up from lauhjimg every day I MISS WAYCHING STREAMS LIVE CHAT WAS SO FUNNY I wishe it was archivedI WISH MORE STREAMERS KEPT CHAT ON #SCREEN i defiently understand why most didn't like Wyd when chats annouing ad hell but also Me 3 years later is interested in what the pub #lic had to say.... ok Now bye

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steakout-05 · 10 days

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how i feel about TBYS causing a shockwave effect of everyone dogpiling on and harassing Illymation and spreading extremely easily disprovable and malicious misinformation about her and putting her in a lot of danger for literally no legitimate reason

#big rant in the tags incoming hold on to your hats:#i swear drama commentary youtubers are actually some of the most dense people on the fucking planet #like holy SHIT i have never seen a bigger display of collective stupidity than every drama commentary grifter harping on illy based on shit #-she didn't even say that they heard from a guy who sounds like budget ben shapiro. how are you that dense. like how. actually how.#it's just a big stupid game of idiot telephone with how much basic shit people are getting wrong because they heard it whispered from-#-another person. istg if i have to see ONE more person say that ''oh but she's encouraging obesity'' ''oh but she said [thing she literally #-didn't say]!!!'' im going to SCREAM. i am going to throw my phone against the wall if i see one more malicious misinterpretation of a-#-basic statement that even a fucking doorknob could understand with more grace and nuance than these idiots #i swear to god this is all so STUPID #drama commentary youtube is where basic reading comprehension and common sense go to die. it is the 10th circle of internet hell-#-just below 4chan.#anyway rant over glad i got that out of my system.#i hope illy is doing well and that she and her partner and her cats are safe <3 #sorry for being so angry. this whole situation literally makes my blood boil and i'm so upset that an innocent person got put in danger-#-because of some nerd emoji sounding wackass blatantly lying about her and being a dickhead #this is the first and last post i'll ever make about internet drama (unless something really REALLY funny happens) i just needed an outlet-#-to scream into for a few minutes #drama commentary youtubers delete their entire channels and leave the internet right now challenge #shitpost #youtube drama

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sluckythewizard · 13 days

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The Altered Beast[FULL SUITE] COULD be arthur bennett or adjacent to whatever hes got going on in tha finale. if ur brave enough. IF UR BRAVE ENOUGH [tldr its just about Things eating Things and becoming New Terrible Things. it also fucking jams]

youtube

#POSTED THIS ON TWITTY ALREADY BUT I NEED MORE SKULLS TO CRAWL INTO. LET ME IN UR HEAD LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN #I LOOOVE THE MURDER OF THE UNIVERSE ALBUM SO MUCH. YOU WILL LISTEN TO PSYCHEDELIC PROG ROCK. YOU WILL #YOU WILL GET HIGH AND SCARED. YOU WILL CRACK OPEN YOUR HEAD SO I MAY ACCESS THE GRAY MATTER WITHIN.#its good music but the STORY OF JUST THE ALTERED BEAST IS NEAT AS HELL #U TELLIN ME THIS PERSON WHO WAS ORIGINALLY SCARED OF A BEAST NOW WANTS TO ASSIMILATE INTO IT #TO OVERPOWER IT. TO BECOME IT. AND THEN IT CHANGES HIM IN WILD WAYS. AND NOW HE NEEDS MORE BEASTS #YOU TELLIN ME NOW ITS JUST A MONSTER GOING OUT AND CONSUMING MONSTERS TO BECOME A MORE POWERFUL MONSTER #THATS SO FUCKING NEAT AND COOL. THATS WHAT I WANNA BE WHEN I GROW UP. I REALLY WANT ARTHUR BENNETT TO GET WORSE #I LOVE IT WHEN CHARACTERS GET WORSE. I NEED SOME PHOSPHOPHOLITE TYPE SHIT TO HAPPEN TO HIM #I NEED HIM INCOMPREHENSIBLE. yknow what is this a safe space. i have a confession #IT WAS A FUCKING COP-OUT FOR THEM TO LET ARTHURS BODY STAY HOT WHEN HIS FACE WENT TO 0 APPEARANCE #HIS WHOLE BODY SHOULDVE DISTORTED AND ROTTED. I WANTED ROT. I HIDE HIS FACE WHEN I DRAW HIM BC FUNNY CARTOON TROPE #BUT THERE ARE THINGS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE DARK. BONES HAVE SHIFTED AND FLESH HAS WITHERED AND DISTORTED. INHUMAN. BEAST.#COME OONNNN AND NOOOOWWWWW NOW HES MORE HES SO MUCH MORE. WHO KNEW SOULS COULD BE SO FUN TO EAT.#WHO KNEW IT COULD BE SO FUN TO KILL SOMETHING SO POWERFUL. TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL #VAMPIRES ARE SO NEAT BC THEYRE STICKY. THE FLESH JUST DOESNT SEPARATE THE SAME AS HUMANS. THEY LAST LONGER #BODY HORROR IS SO MUCH MORE FUN W VAMPIRES..I COULD TAKE A LIMB AND SMEAR IT OUTWARD INTO A FINE PASTE AND THE COLD FLESH WOULD STILL WRITH #IN MY HEART ATLEAST. WEEEEE!! ITS SO FUN IN HERE. IN MY BEAUTIFUL AND KIND HEAR.TS #I THINK IM RUNNING OUT OF ROOM. ANOTHER FOUL CONTRACT BOUNDING MY HUBRIS WITHIN ITS BASTARD LIMITS. ANWYAY IF U GUYS EVER WANNA GO CRAZY WM #IM HERE. IM HERE. I MIGHT READ UR MSG N THEN FORGET RIGHT AWAY SO SPAM ME IF U WANNA. HAVE FUNNN WEEEEE

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skybristle · 4 months

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you think that an iterator could develop cancer like. The Normal Way [by it just being an off the cuff mutation] . Like. I imagine Generally speaking that they have inspectors / other organisms to clear out potentially harmful organisms so generally doesn't happen but like if an iterator completely stagnates for a long period of time .... hmmm....

#[im thinking abt bullying ash]#me when i wake up from one hell of a nap. everything has gone to shit. my ex is pissed out of her mind #get my brain blasted by a weird fucking scug and woops there goes my seniority #Finally go thru my structure since ugh guess im awake now and Uh Oh #sky rambles #just a thought i NEED to figure out something interesting to him and i like the ideas of the Conse Quencies of his actions like #actually fucking him over #Since what sparks does besides losing seniority is really temporary

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orcelito · 3 months

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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

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