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#this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again...
cheekblush · 1 year
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not having any friends is truly heartbreaking
#i have no one to confide in or just simply hang out with#there's this concert i really wanted to attend but i have no one to go with and tickets are already sold out anyways#but the point is not having friends stops me from having fun experiences#sure you could argue that i could have fun experiences by myself but it's still not the same if you can't share it with someone#i went on a solo trip this summer and while it was liberating & enjoyable it was also incredibly lonely#i also went to a festival by myself & unfortunately it was horrible bc i got nauseous & it was scary being all alone#thankfully i got back to my hotel safely in the middle of the night but i definitely would've felt better & safer if i wasn't alone#i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of things bc i don't have friends & it's just so alienating bc i think smth is fundamentally wrong..#.. with me bc i don't have a single genuine friend while others have whole friend groups#this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again...#i feel like a beaten dog that always comes back around no matter how badly i was treated bc i just want some love 😔 💔#like i was the one who ended things with my ex best friend bc i was tired of being treated like a doormat & constantly having my..#.. boundaries disrespected but now i'd rather have that back then have no friends at all which is awful i know 😭#my ex best friend also isn't a bad person but she hurt me a lot & at the end when things got really bad i think we were both not good for..#each other.. but now i'm reminiscing about all the wonderful things we experienced together & i miss it so much :(#we had so many things in common we went to so many concerts together & had so much fun & now i'm all by myself all the time 😔#the thing is also she was always a social butterfly & has many friends so i doubt she even misses me#i still didn't delete her from my contacts & i recently saw she finally fulfilled her dream of going to america#i feel like she is living her best life & i'm just here being miserable & lonely nothing has really improved for me#i wouldn't even be surprised if she's going to that concert i wanted to attend bc it's one of her favorite artists as well#i just feel so unlovable and alone in this world... i wish i could restart my whole life or disappear altogether tbh#sorry for the negativity if anyone reads this i'm just really upset..#i should stop making myself even more depressed i'm supposed to be studying anyways..#and tonight i'm attending our company's christmas party i hope i'll at least have a little fun there..#☁️
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hyunsuks-beanie · 3 years
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It'll Always Be You
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Lee Felix × reader; angst, but with a fluffy ending; 2923 words; lovers to exes and back
A/N So Felix has me feeling all sorts of things today, bc of how good he looked during the performance. So here's a scenario for our Sunshine!
"Here's your order and have a nice day," you smile to the female customer in front of you, before handing a pack of cookies to her child. Once the leave, you let out a sigh and look at your best friend who's cleaning the counter next to you. "All done for today!," you exclaim, to which your friend looks up and smiles, before taking off and folding her apron. "So, what are your plans for tonight?," she asks, making you give her a knowing look. She to her eyes before saying, "How long are you gonna stay cooped up inside your house? The break up was two years ago for heaven's sake, you need to start living your life again." "Hey, I am living my life, it's just that, unlike you, I am not interested in going out and meeting new people every day. I meet enough strangers while working here, so there's no need to go clubbing daily," you shrug.
When all she does in reply is pout, you chuckle and say, "Okay, how about we go for a movie tomorrow? My treat." Her face lights up at that, and she gives you a tight hug before saying, "I really want to meet your ex once though, just so I can break his nose." You giggle "Oh he's dead and gone."
Oh, if only you knew.
Once you send your friend off, you start tidying up your little bakery up. This was the place that helped you get over your breakup, which had been messy to say the least. You had immersed yourself fully in your work, because you knew it was one thing that would never hurt you or break your trust.
You sigh lovingly at the memories of setting up and running your bakery, turning your back against the front door. And just as you are reminiscing you hear the door open, causing you to turn. The moment you do so, however, you regret it, because standing there, staring at you wide-eyed, is your ex, otherwise known as Stray Kids' Lee Felix. You both continue to stare at each other for a while, before he finally breaks the silence (and your trance) by whispering, "Y/N."
You clear your throat, and say, "I'm sorry, but we're closed for the day." He rushes to the and hurriedly replies, "Please, it's rather urgent. My friend Hyunjin is really craving some blueberry pie, and he refuses fo join practice before I bring him what he wants." "I told you, I'm sorry, but I can't help you today. You can come back tomorrow though," you say, not looking into his eyes. "Please Y/N, Chan hyung is getting really angry, he's gonna ground me along with Hyunjin," Felix reasons, and you find yourself giving in to his pleading eyes and pouty lips.
"Fine, wait a minute," you say, making him crack a smile. Boy have you missed that smile of his, you think, before mentally slapping yourself for still not being able to resist him, even though he broke your heart to pieces when he broke up with you over the phone two years ago, telling you that he could no longer do long distance with you being all the way in Australia. It wasn't the breakup that hurt you though, it was the fact that he had found someone better and closer to him, or so he said.
Little did you know, though, that the company had he had never really found anyone else, that he didn't want to find anyone else. The company had made him lie to you when they came to know he was secretly dating. He tried to put up a fight, but the company started threatening him about the group facing consequences. He knew you'd see right through him if he told you the truth, so he had to lie to you in order to make you hate him, just so you could move on in life. He meant well, but he never knew he hurt you so bad that you'd give up on dating and love altogether.
"Here you go," you say while handing him his parcel. He thanks you, while contemplating if he should make small talk. Mustering up the courage, he asks, "How have you been?", while looking down. "Fine," you reply, "Congrats on the comeback." His head snaps up at that, as he says, "I didn't know you knew I had a comeback," "It was all over the news, Felix. Stray Kids are really making it big," you swallow before adding, "Your partner must be really proud of you," complete with a fake smile plastered on your face.
Felix winces at your words, not knowing what to say. In the end, he settles with, "How long have you been running this bakery?" "Since about a month after we broke up." When he gives you a confused expression, you sigh and add, "I was kinda already about to move to Seoul when you told me that you had found someone else. I was gonna surprise you, but you ended up surprising me instead."
"Y/N, I-I never knew. I'm so sorry, I-," he says, but you cut him off. "I-I t-think you should leave," you say, with tears threatening to spill. "Let me explain, please. I swear I'll come clean, please, just give me a chance." "No Felix, I can't give you any chance, you blew it up when you hurt me so bad that it made scared of ever loving again. Please.....j-just go," you say, shutting your eyes close. Dejected, he turns around to leave, but not before saying, "I'm sorry," one more time. Once he leaves, you sink down to the floor, crying. "Why did you have to ruin me so bad?," You whisper.
You don't, however, notice that just outside the door, Felix too, is crying hysterically as he gets into his car.
Upon reaching the JYP building, Felix rushes to the washroom to try and dry his eyes and hide any signs that he's been crying. "I still love you. I never stopped, but gosh, why did I have to be such an idiot to let you go? And that too, in the worst way possible?," he says to his reflection in the mirror, thinking back to your broken expression. Slamming his fist against the sink, he curses at himself.
Once he's finally sobered up a little, Felix goes back to the practice room to give Hyunjin his pie. Though he has half a mind to just call in sick and go home and weep, he knows the group needs him. "Here you go, Hyun," he forces a smile onto his face when Hyunjin thanks him. Chan notices his slumped shoulders, but shrugs it off as tiredness. "Now that everyone is satisfied, can we get back to practice?," he asks. Once all the boys agree, rehearsals begin again, but Felix can't find it in himself to focus. He keeps making mistakes, which finally results in Chan stopping the music, grabbing his hand, and taking him out the practice room and to his studio.
"What is it, Lix? You've been distracted ever since you came back from the bakery. Come on, I know something is bothering you, it isn't like you to lose focus. Tell me what it is," Chan says, sternly but gently, his concern for the younger boy evident. "It's nothing, hyung. I'm just tired," Felix tries to evade the question, but Chan presses on. "I'm not buying that, and I'm not gonna have you distracted during performances or practices, either. I can't risk you injuring yourself or any of the boys, so I'm saying again. Spit. It. Out. Leader's orders."
Felix sighs, running a hand through his hair. After a pause, he finally says, "I saw Y/N today. The bakery, it is owned by them." Chan's eyes go wide at this, since he's the only one who knows the circumstances under which you both broke up, and is also the only one who knows about how much Felix regrets letting you go, in the worst possible way. "What happened? Were they....rude to you? Or did they do something?" "What? No hyung, they were nothing but nice to me. We made small talk, and they told me that they were planning to surprise me by moving to Seoul, when I broke up with them. I hurt them so bad that they are scared of ever loving again," Felix says, taking shaky breaths between sentences as tears welled up in his eyes again.
"I messed up so bad hyung, you know I still love them. They're the nicest, most perfect, most lovable person I've ever known, and I damaged them so badly, gosh I feel so guilty," he breaks down again, causing Chan to wrap his arms around him, giving him a shoulder to cry on. Once Felix calms down, Chan says, "You know what you have to do now, right?" "What do you mean?"
"You say you still love them. You say you're guilty. But instead of telling these things to me, you need to tell this to them. Apologize to them, tell them the whole story. Tell them there was never anyone else, and that it's always been them. You didn't fight for them back then, because you were worried for us. But you can fight for them now, because we got your back. Win them back, Lix. Make up for your mistake."
"B-but hyung, why would they ever want to take me back again? I've been nothing but a jerk to them." "Well, in that case, you can't blame them. But they deserve to at least know the truth. They deserve to know that your intentions were not wrong. If they choose to walk away after that, they will at least have had gotten closure. Who knows, it might help them muster the courage to go out and love again. You owe this to them, Lix."
Chan succeeded in knocking some sense into Felix, as the next day, the younger boy found himself in front of your bakery, preparing a long speech explaining why he did what he did to you. He's so engrossed in his thoughts that he doesn't notice your best friend walk out the bakery and stand next to him. "Uhm, are you okay?," she asks, surprising him. "O-oh, uh-uhm, yeah," says Felix, while noticing her uniform, that's identical to yours. "Do you work with Y/N?" "Yeah, we're friends and partners, and on most days, we work together. But they called in sick today, and told me they'd cover the evening shift. How do you know them though?"
To this, Felix finds himself at a loss for words, but he figures if he's gonna come clean to you, he needs an ally. And what better person than your best friend? So he takes down his mask slightly, making your friend gasp in response. "You Felix from Stray Kids! What are you doing here?" "I-I came here to meet Y/N. We broke up two years ago due to a mistake I made, but I need to explain things to them. They deserve to know the truth." He looks up to see your friend glaring at him, as she says, "That was you? You broke my best friend's heart? How could you? I'm not letting you anywhere near them, you jerk"
"Please, just give me 5 minutes, and I'll explain everything to you. Then you can decide if I deserve one more chance." When your friend doesn't say anything, Felix launches into his own version of things, explaining himself and his actions. Once he's done, your friend is still glaring at him, but he notices a smile tugging at her lips.
"You have been nothing but a complete and utter jerk to them. And honestly, you deserve to get your ass kicked by them. But I know that they still love you, and the way you are repenting what you did tells me that you love them too. So I give you my blessing. They'll be here in the evening at 6, be here before then." Felix hugs her super tight at that, with the biggest smile plastered on his face while thanking her. She adds, "But if you hurt them again, I swear I'm gonna murder you with my own two hands." "It won't come to that, I promise."
Felix arrives at the bakery at 10 minutes to six, and the moment he enters, your friend shoves him into the kitchen, asking him to stay there till you come. Once she leaves, he starts pacing up and down, raking his hand nervously through his hair. He tries to prepare what he is going to say, but gives up when he realizes that it would all go out the window when he sees you.
Meanwhile, the moment you step inside the bakery, your friend pretends to be busy setting stuff up on the counter, and asks you to bring in some things from the kitchen. Unassuming, you start walking towards the kitchen doors, when she notices your swollen eyes and exclaimed "Babe, have you been crying?" You muster up a fake smile and tell him that it's just you not feeling well, but unknown to you, Felix heard your friend, and guilt washes over him again. But he doesn't have time to wallow in it, as soon after, you step in.
The way your expression morphs into one of pure sadness breaks his heart into a million pieces, and when you say, "What more do you want from me?" while holding back tears, it takes everything in him to stop from falling to his knees and begging forgiveness. He tries to speak, but you hold up a finger, indicating you aren't finished. "Now that you've found me again, was it not enough for you to have me admit that what you did to me made me stop believing in love? Do you even want to rub it in my face by telling me how happy your are with your partner? If that is so, then please, just get lost, I'm begging you."
Tears are now streaming down your face, and Felix finds himself saying, "Just please. Let me explain. You deserve to know the truth and my feelings and intentions. If after that, you want me to leave, I swear, you will never have to see me again." You can't look at him, but when you don't reply, he says, "I promise that this is the real truth behind what I did. Please hear me out. I lied when I said I had found someone else. There is no 'someone else,' and there never will be one. The only person I've loved, the only person I still love, is you. It'll always be you."
"The company made me break up with you, and threatened me that the group will face consequences if I didn't do as they had asked. I that that if I outright told you the real reason, it would hurt you. And so, I decided to lie to you in order to make you hate me, even if it broke my heart. But never did I ever think that it would damage you so badly, and I know I've been stupid, but I can't help but ask for you to forgive me, and give me one last chance. I know I've been a total jerk to you, and even now, I'm being nothing but selfish, but I just want you to know that I still love you. I'll understand if you want nothing to do with me, and I'll walk away forever. But you deserved to get closure, and I hope that if you do choose to give up on me, you will now be able to love again, and trust again."
By the time he stops talking, the both of you are sobbing hard. You ask him, "Are you done?" When he nods, you say, "You say that you will walk away if I choose to give up on you. But do you really think I'll be able to give up on you? If I couldn't stop loving you even when you broke up with me in the cruelest way possible, what makes you think I'll stop loving you now that I know that you went through the same pain as me? You knew what the truth was, and you still had to hide it. I can only imagine how hurtful that must have been, Felix. I hate myself for believing your stupid lie, for ever doubting the love you had for me. I'm sorry, and I forgive you."
Felix looks up at you, surprised. It takes him some time to process your words, and when he does, he asks you, "What does that mean....for us?" To this, you shyly reply, "Well, I never stopped loving you, and if you didn't either, then should we give us another try?" Felix smiles the brightest he has in ages, as he slowly comes closer to you. Cupping your face, he wipes off your tears, as you proceed to do the same. "I promise I'll never let you go again," he says softly. You giggle and say, "You'd do well to keep that promise," before biting your lip.
"Is it okay if I kiss you?," he asks. You nod in response, causing him to gently place his lips on yours. And for the first time in a while, you feel like you're home.
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pure-kirarin · 3 years
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Slow & Steady [P3] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)
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A/N : Hi !! sorry for publishing this later than I expected, but I got a beta reader and we worked on this chapter for longer. Please do tell me if you like this more <3 We put a lot of effort into it. Now, enjoy !~ Genre : Romance - Smut - Bestfriends to lovers General warnings : Alcohol consumption - Dark themes - Swearing - S m u t - possessiveness - Mention of ex-relationships - jealousy
Synopsis : Isn’t love a matter of timing after all ?That’s what Sabo has always thought. It was about finding the right tempo, making the right moves and hitting the right spot. Patience is a virtue after all, and he had a lot of it. It all started when your ex cheated on you. You were heartbroken, you needed someone and he was there. Was he always that hot ? You didn’t know. But after that night you have never seen him in the same way. Also, please guys comment because this is the first work I put so much efforts in. If I feel like people don't like it, it just feels not worth it to me and discourages me :( I have 2 other multichapters planned but I am thinking of abandoning them because people don't seem to like it...Anyways, please do interact if you like it :)
Part I - Part II -
In the last chapter :
You looked at Sabo go away and you followed him shortly after. Meanwhile Ace was sitting on the couch and watching some movies. You went back home and was quite tormented. It wasn’t the right time to worry as you had your assignments and studies to deal with. On one hand, you didn’t even have the time to think of your ex boyfriend and his cheating but on the other, you felt like you were let down by Sabo.
But why ? He didn’t do anything.
He just found himself a new friend and a potential new girlfriend.He didn’t even talk about her, but why where you so upset by him meeting her ? After all, he had the right to date just like you always did.A few days have passed and you didn’t get the chance to talk to Sabo. Your exams were getting closer and closer and you didn’t feel ready.Usually, Sabo would help you with your assignments but you were too scared to ask. You realized how much you relied on him and how he has been always there for you.
Who were you exactly to him ?
Maybe you took him for granted.
As you were on your bed looking at the ceiling and trying to collect every drop of motivation in your system to study, you heard your phone ring. It was Sabo’s ringtone !
P III
“Hi (Y/N),how are you doing?”
“Oh, Sabo! I'm fine. Kinda busy studying. And you? Haven't heard from you since last time.”
“Sorry about that. My schedule has been extremely tight lately. But I am free now!”
“I was just thinking of you. I have to turn in my history assignment tonight and I might need your help...Pleaaaaaase~ I know you're so good at history, please come save me!”
You could hear him laugh on the other side of the line. His laugh sounded so bright, making your heart flutter. You really did miss him. In the end, you were best friends, right?
“Alright! I'll come rescue you. After all, I have to make up for disappearing.”
“Sabo, you're the best! Would you mind coming to my place?”
“I'll be there in twenty minutes. See you then.”
“See you!”
Hanging up, you thought to yourself: you’ve never been this happy to see Sabo. You rolled on your bed in excitement. Twenty minutes seemed enough to make your room and yourself look somewhat presentable, he has never seen your messy room before. Fifteen minutes later, Sabo was in your room, both of you sat on the bed and started studying. Sabo had always been a top student, he was passionate about history in particular. Helping with your assignments was never a big deal to him.
Now that you gave it some thought, maybe most of your good grades were thanks to his help. He had tutored you many times when you were both in high school and that stayed a constant in your life even now.. Once you finished and sent the file to your professor, it was already late afternoon and Sabo was putting on his coat to go back home.
You had almost forgotten about what happened last week because of all the studying. Things weren't awkward anymore. But you wanted to bring it up because you couldn't help but think about the words he said.
“Sabo ?”
He turned back and looked at you with a smile.
“Yes? Do you need something else?”
“Don't go, I want to...  I want to ask you a question.” You patted the place next to you on the bed.
“Are you alright? You look very pale.” He sat next to you and the proximity made you extremely nervous. Although he had been close to you so many times before, you wondered why this time his proximity was affecting you so. The built up tension was getting unbearable. You could feel the knot in your stomach tighten, but you had to do it, you had to relieve yourself from this situation, otherwise it will still preoccupy you. With a nervous toss of your hair, you asked him, your eyes fixated somewhere on his chest :
“Well...Did I say something weird to you last time?”
“Last time?” he repeats in apparent confusion..
“Well, you know, when I got drunk, did I say something weird?...when you took me back home…”
You didn't even dare look at his face.
“Oh...nothing worth mentioning. Don't worry.” A sweet smile.
Oh, really now? I asked you to fuck me and you're saying “nothing fucking worth mentioning”? Bullshit.
...Or did I make all of that up?
“Didn't I…” you stop, clearing your throat, “didn't I ask you..to...well, you know…” You looked away in exasperation, annoyed that you had to say this and that you could feel your face quickly heating up. You felt your helplessness more fully now as you were discreetly looking at him to guess his reaction. Your eyes were shy and avoiding, looking his way then looking away continuously, almost instinctively.
“Hm? What?” He was amused, the bastard.
“Well...Didn't I ask you to fuck me or something?”
He burst out laughing, looking at your flushed face and the way you said that so fast that he was tempted to tap his ear and tell you that he didn't hear you quite well, but he simply refrained. That would be too much teasing.
For now.
And it wasn't the right time
yet.
“Ha, that.” He marked a pause, “it's only worth mentioning if you want to.”
You bit your lower lip, so he did remember…”Well, about that…”
“Just ask me to and I'll forget.”
But what if I don't want you to forget? You fucking idiot. When did you turn out to be this hot? Did seeing his morning wood put me in such a mood? Do I have this little self-respect? Risking our friendship like this?
He leaned closer to you so that his face was only centimeters away.
His minty breath was ghosting over your cheek;
“But just so you know, there's no going back.”
Was this the same Sabo from a few minutes ago? Was he really tempted to have sex with you? You felt flattered. You thought about Nami's words. Was he really into you? You felt insecure.
You've never felt insecure before.
You contemplated the idea for a second. You had just broken up with your boyfriend and you were now yearning to get fucked by your best friend - a guy that you've never even seen in that way before.
But how many things did you truly know about Sabo? How many things were you not seeing and being unaware of when it came to this man? You were slowly coming to the realization that he had been keeping a lot of things private - his personal life and thoughts mostly held close to himself at all times.
It was always about you in this friendship. And he was patient, oh so patient. You wanted to see all these sides to him that you've never seen before. It was like discovering the hidden door of a secret Eden.
You closed your eyes. You knew that he wouldn't hurt your feelings. You trusted him. You wanted this. You wanted to break the spell that got you dreaming of what you were denied.
You nodded and his smile widened ; Here you were falling, finally.
“I didn't expect anything less from you. What a brave girl you are. I was waiting for you to bring this up. Took you quite a long time.”
He twirled a strand of your hair between his fingers, pressing his hot lips on your forehead. Your breath stopped for a second, eyes closed tightly. You weren't used to this tension, your heart was beating uncomfortably fast.
Where did the prude Sabo that you always imagined go? He was acting normal a few moments ago, and now this? This was definitely more, or at least different than whatever you would have expected.
Your cheeks warmed up at his praise, you were just like a little girl that was given a piece of candy. But you wanted way more.
“Now that I think of it… you haven’t been really good, have you? You said things that you shouldn't have. You’ve tested my patience quite a bit the other day, baby.”
It sounded so natural, the way he called you baby, as if he had always done it. It surprisingly took you not even two seconds to adjust to this new Sabo that you saw. In hindsight, you think you might’ve longed for this Sabo, one who is so open and expressive with you.
“Huh ? What are you on 'bout ? I still stand by my position…”
Saying this was a bad idea.
He raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, it's true, I've never seen you with a girl before. Wouldn't be surprised if you were a virgin. But it's okay, I don't mind… well… teaching you…”
You looked away. It felt a bit off, as if you were playing a role but you were very much into it. There had always been that bratty side to you that he loved so much. He smirked, rolling his eyes. Always with the tough talk huh? He thought.
Smiling knowingly, he reached out for your face. He gently gripped your chin between two fingers, brushing his thumb over your lower lip as he said,
“Looks like you need a good lesson.” He shoved two gloved fingers into your mouth, taking you by surprise and making you instantly back off a bit.
“Hmm. Let's put this dirty mouth of yours to better use.”
He took his fingers out of your mouth, leaving a leathery aftertaste on your tongue. His arm encircled your waist and he held you up effortlessly, securing you against his lap. As you were just wearing a dress, you could feel him getting hard through your panties and you couldn't help but tighten your thighs at this feeling, getting instantly turned on. When did you start wanting him this much?
The corner of his lips curled up as he saw you already getting eager from a simple touch. His arm held your hips in place so you didn’t move around.
He replaced his fingers with his lips, kissing you hungrily. It was nothing like that drunken kiss that you both shared the other night. His tongue got you feeling butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding so hard as you pressed your chest against his, seeking his warmth.
You were going have sex with your best friend and he had a huge dick and he was nothing close to the vanilla prude guy that you expected him to be. You were thrilled. Everything happened so fast. You never realized that you were so desperate for his touch.
You tangled your fingers into his blond locks, moaning into the kiss. You pulled away, cheeks ablaze, impressed by his skills.
“You're a good kisser…”
“Look at you getting all worked up by a kiss...Tell me, who's the virgin here, huh?”
You blushed at his remark and looked away. Cute, he thought to himself.
But it wasn't enough. Not yet. With a sense of urgency, you kissed him again as if it was your last chance to taste his lips. His pace was slower, he wanted to take his time to enjoy this moment while you wanted to rush it up and go to the next step. Breathless, you pull away, hesitant and curious.
“Sabo, do you… Do you like me?”
“I do.” He put his forehead against yours, making you  look deeply into his eyes. The look he was giving you seemed unfamiliar, making you feel intimidated. How did he hide his feelings so well and why did he say them now?If he said he liked me before, would it have been differentWhat changed within him, to make him act like this and most importantly, what changed within you to make you need him so badly? You dipped in for a kiss, trying to get a grasp on your feelings. It didn't feel weird, it felt good, as if you had wanted it for so long.
“Sabo,” you stuttered. He loved the way your voice cracked, how hesitant you were, how your cheekiness disappeared, leaving behind only your conflicted emotions. “I thought about what you said last time and...I...I think I want to. Now.” You emphasised on the last word, goading him into agreeing.
A victorious smile danced on his lips.
“You think?”
He smirked and lifted your chin up so you could look right into his eyes. You couldn't help but close the gap between the two of you, shamelessly rocking on his thighs to get some friction. You kept thinking about the words he had said when you were drunk, you really wanted him. Yes, maybe it was just lust. Maybe it was just a strong desire to sabotage the most precious thing that you had. But for now, you needed his warmth. He pulled back, making you groan in displeasure like a cat in heat. He smiled, his lips barely grazing yours and added,
“You're not ready yet, kitten.”
The look of disappointment on your face said it all. You couldn't believe he turned you down. Once again. You were so adorable, for a moment he thought that he would just snap and take you right there.
“What do you mean ‘I'm not ready yet’ ?! I just said I was. I want you too. That's what I said. I'm sober now, I'll recall how good you are.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
He smiles, and you would’ve given years off your life just to punch him. You could swear you still felt him hard against you and he was acting so composed. You didn't want to let him go.
You were scared that if you did, he would disappear into dust. You felt so desperate, so humiliated.Dying for his attention and heartbroken from past experiences.
“I have to go now.” He lifts you up with ease, placing you on the bed again. He then put his coat on. You looked at him leave with puppy eyes and for a second he hesitated. He was tempted to change his mind. But he had waited for so long and he couldn't afford to ruin everything now. Not when you were so close, so ready and eager to take him.
“Don't go.” You pleaded.
“And who will feed Ace?” He says with a smile.
“I don't care. Don't go…” You got up and hugged him from behind, tightly, letting your mask fall. His departure and abrupt ending of the tense situation he had placed you in, his act so nonchalant, had awakened some insecurity within you.It was driving you insane.
You were confused.
His heart melted at your sweetness. He remembered the reason behind his love for you. You were so fragile, so honest.
“I really have to go, princess.” How could he say such things so easily? “But I promise that I will make up for it next time.”
---
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bunysliper · 7 years
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Without Hesitation
 A Season 3 AU ficlet (Set in the weeks after Knockdown)
For my amaaaazing friend @rickcastlefromthailand, as a late birthday gift. I hope you like this, Rachel! <3
(Photo not mine - to reblog just the picture, reblog it here.)
She's already seated when he slips into the diner, his shoulder glancing off the metal bar between the doors as he dodges a stout man in a puffy coat and an oversized wool beanie. He offers the guy a hurried apology, turning a wry smile in his partner's direction to find that Beckett doesn't seem to have noticed the commotion.
 With her head bent over her clasped fingers, she almost looks peaceful, as if she's meditating or finding some sort of peace in the middle of the loud, bustling eatery. It's only the furrow of her brow and the downturn of her lips that ruins that illusion and solidifies what he'd known since his phone buzzed in his pocket less than an hour ago: something is up.
 First she asks him to meet her out of the blue, and now she's waiting for him like this, like the world has added another weight to her shoulders. Something is definitely going on with her, and he's going to find out what it is.
 "Hey," he says, careful to keep his voice low so he doesn't startle her out of her contemplation. She still jolts, pressing her hands to the tabletop and offering an almost embarrassed smile at being caught drifting.
 "Hi, Castle," she murmurs, meeting his eyes after a second's delay. "Thanks for coming all the way over here."
 Rick shakes his head, lowering onto the chair across from her. "Of course. It's not that far from my publisher's office, really, and I was there to–"
 He stops himself from explaining further after she squeezes her lips together and nods; she doesn't really care what he was doing before she called. Or maybe she does, but she's too distracted right now to show it. Either way, he doesn't need to talk about it.
 "What's wrong?" he asks instead, resting his forearms on the table. His fingers twitch, ready to reach for hers, but he refrains. They don't do that. They don't touch, save for times of serial killers and daring rescues, and he's hopeful that this isn't one of those moments.
 Beckett looks away, nodding to the woman behind the counter. "Coffee first."
Castle nods, studying her as silence settles between them. Her hair falls around her face, tousled, but not unkempt. More like she's been running her fingers through it over and over. Even her makeup has a soft, smudged look to it, barely concealing dark circles under her eyes. She's beautiful, of course she is, but she's tired and there's no disguising that.
 He hasn't seen her in a few days, but he's sure if he had, he would recognize her clothes from yesterday. But he waits to ask again until a waitress with a kind smile and a soft lilt to her voice has taken their order of coffee and a plate of waffles.
 "Beckett, what's going on?" he tries, asking this time for the story, not an announcement. "Unless you just missed me, in which case, I'm glad to be here." That earns him a tiny smile.
 "You flatter yourself, Castle," she drawls, sounding more like herself. She also doesn't deny it, he notices. She's stopped denying a lot of things in the past few months.
 Maybe she did just miss him. Maybe she's having a bad day and asking him to come to her somewhere neutral and new helps more than showing up at her apartment with takeout, or something.
 "Yes, well, I am pretty fantastic."
 Rick mentally pats himself on the back when her lips twitch again. Whatever is on her mind, he can help distract her, if nothing else.
 After a moment, she drops her eyes, worrying her lip between her teeth once again. It's maddening when she does that, when she draws his gaze to lips he's only had the privilege of tasting once, and today is no different, the gesture churning his guts, making him want her so damn badly.
 "You ever been here before?" he asks, forcing himself to focus on their surroundings, on the classic 50s decor, the rush of people in and out the doors, anything but the tantalizing, reddened bow of her mouth.
 Beckett shakes her head. "I was walking by a little while ago. Saw it and decided to come in."
 Castle nods, giving the room another look. "It's nice."
 One of her shoulders lifts. "It's not Remy's, but it came through in a pinch."
 Her wording is interesting, but he lets it go for the time being. Beckett talks in her own time, she always has. Whether it's about her mother, or a story from her childhood, she tells him when she wants to, and not a moment sooner.
 She seems steadier once their coffee arrives and she's able to curl her fingers around warm ceramic, but the troubled cloud hasn't left her eyes.
 "It's my dad," she blurts finally, as he's lifting a syrup and whipped cream covered bite of waffle to his lips. "He's – I left him sleeping at New York Presbyterian. I needed to get out of there."
 Rick's fork hits the plate, the bite forgotten. "What happened?"
 Beckett's lips purse, her fingers tightening around her coffee mug. His own fingers twitch, eager to reach for her, but he doesn't take her hands or otherwise disturb her.
 "We were having dinner," she says, her voice thick. "He'd been quiet all night, but he's not much of a talker in general, and with it being close to her birthday... I didn't think much about it, you know?"
 Castle nods. He has looked a Johanna Beckett's file enough times to know her birthday had been a few days ago. Even if he hadn't practically memorized the file, Beckett herself had been somber that day, giving him just enough context to figure it out for himself.
 "Yeah," she breathes. "I just thought he was… but when I got up to leave, he collapsed as he was walking me to the door."
 Kate looks toward the ceiling, giving herself time to gather her thoughts.
 "The doctor said it was a myocardial infarction, a heart attack. A pretty severe one, at that."
 Oh, God.
 "Beckett, I'm–"
 "He made it. He made it. The doctor said it was because I called a bus and it got to us so quickly. He was in ICU overnight, but he was conscious – just sleeping – when I left."
 "That's good," Rick says. "See? Abusing your power has its merits."
 Her laughter comes out strangled, but it loosens something in his own chest to hear it.  
 "Yeah," Kate agrees, glancing down at her hands. She sniffs, clenching her fingers around her mug again. "I swore to her that he was healthy. He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, he left his crazy, high-stress job years ago, but she thinks… she thinks because of his history, his heart was weaker, and everything just snowballed from there."
 This time, he does reach out for her, cupping his hands over hers on the mug. Her brave face falters, but doesn't fall, and it's all he can do to refrain from joining her on her side of the table and wrapping her in a hug.
 "But he made it," he says, watching her nod. "And he's stable now, otherwise you would've never left his side."
 "Yeah," she answers, swiping her thumb against his. "Dr. Paul said if he responds well to the medication, he won't need surgery. He'll be moved to a regular room and monitored like normal."
 His breath comes a little easier at that news. "That's really good. Did you ask Josh for a second opinion?"
 Beckett tilts her head, opening and closing her mouth a few times before she speaks again, "No. I didn't ask him. I'm not even sure if he's in the country or not."
 His fingers tighten around hers. From what he knows of their relationship, Josh is gone pretty often; but who leaves the country without at least letting their girlfriend know?
 "We broke up," she adds, putting an end to his musings. "Last week."
 They – oh, wow. That's not what he expected her to say.
 "Huh, a guy goes away for a couple of book signings, and things start happening."
 Beckett snorts. "Sorry the world didn't stop turning while you were gone, Castle."
 His fingertips brush her knuckles. "Yeah, I've never been very good at stopping time. If I were, Alexis would still be tiny."
 Kate smiles a little bit, shaking her head. He watches her hair fall into her face and lifts a hand, ignoring their usual set of boundaries to brush it back.
 "Why didn't you call me last night?" he asks, dropping his hand to cover hers again.
 "You'd just gotten back, and you'd mentioned you were going to dinner and a show with Alexis. I didn't want to–"
 His head whips back and forth, emphatic with what he's about to say. "I hope there's never a next time, but if there is? Next time, Beckett, don't hesitate. Don't ever hesitate."
 Her hand slips out from underneath his, landing on the table with a dull thud. His heart stammers against his ribs, and he expects her to get to her feet and declare their moment over before she leaves to go back to the hospital to be with her father. Instead, she turns her hand over, offering him her palm.
 Rick curls his fingers around hers, holding on with unapologetic strength. His partner nods, fitting her hand against his, returning his squeeze without a word.
 "Will you come back with me?" she asks after the silence has stretched on a little too long. "To the hospital? I don't know what you have going on today, if you need to get back to Alexis or–"
 "Of course. Kate, of course. For as long as you want."
 Beckett exhales, her body sagging as relief works its way down her spine. Her shoulders drop, and she sits up in her chair, locking soft eyes with his.
 "Thank you. I know it's probably not how you imagined spending your afternoon, but thank you."
 Castle shakes his head, tightening his grip on her hand. She could've called half a dozen other people – her best friend and her cardiac surgeon ex included – but she had called him. He's not turning her away.
 "Why don't we get some coffee to go and head back?" he suggests.
 "You didn't eat your waffle," Beckett protests.
 "That's okay. I don't want to keep you from your father for too long."
 His partner shakes her head. "At least take it with you? Or get a fresh one with the absurd amount of toppings on the side? There's an ICU waiting room at the hospital; you can eat there."
 "Only if you eat with me."
 "I'm not hungry," she says, repeating her earlier assertion. "I can barely handle the coffee, to be honest with you."
 "Some fruit, maybe?" he tries. No doubt she hasn't eaten since the night before; she needs to consume something far more than he needs a stupid waffle.
 "You're not going to give it up, are you?" Her voice is wry, but not annoyed, and he counts it as a victory.
 "Nope." He pops his lips for emphasis. "Regretting asking me to stay yet?"
 Beckett snorts, but shakes her head. "No."
 She sits back, easing her hand away from his with a soft caress of her fingers. He doesn't miss the tender glimmer in her eyes, even after she turns her attention to the counter to signal to their server.
 "Put your wallet away, Castle," she murmurs once the young woman has come and gone, leaving them alone again, "my treat."
 His fingers still at his pocket. How had she even seen him move? He'd been trying to sneak his card out. "Even though I annoyed you into getting the fruit?"
 Her lips twitch, not quite a smile, but more so than it would've been an hour ago. "Yeah, even though you did that. Still my treat."
 "Thanks."
 She waves him off, lifting her coffee to her lips to drain the last of it before their takeout order is ready. They don't speak again until the bill has been paid and she's sliding her credit card back into her wallet.
 Rick stands with her, reaching for the bag of food while she lifts their travel cups, flexing her fingers at the heat, despite the cardboard guard.
 "Shall we?" he asks.
 "Yes," she says, though it holds none of the confidence he's accustomed to hearing from Kate Beckett. Still she walks ahead of him, her stride careful, controlled, until they reach the sidewalk where they stand shoulder to shoulder for a moment.
 "Lead the way," Castle murmurs, looking both ways before letting his eyes settle on his partner. Exhaustion and worry still lingers on her face, but she doesn't wear it like a shroud any longer.
 Beckett nods, squaring her shoulders. "Okay."
 They walk together, bumping arms when the crowd becomes dense, never straying far from each other's space when it thins.
  Although he's never met the man and he has no baseline to compare it to, Castle's still surprised by Jim Beckett's appearance when Beckett stops in the doorway of his hospital room. Even asleep, Jim looks worn, the lines on his face more pronounced than they should be. His face is pale, his hair limp against his forehead, and Kate deflates as soon as she sees him.
 "His coloring is better," she murmurs, taking a careful step into her father's room.
 "That's probably why they moved him in here," Castle says, waiting only a beat before following her. She had asked him to come with her, hopefully that means she won't mind him being in the room with them. "He's doing better."
 Kate nods, settling their coffee cups on the tiny table beside an uncomfortable looking couch they've tucked under the window. "That's what the nurse said when I asked her: he had improved enough so they took the opportunity to move him when the room opened up."
 "That's good." He steps closer, curling his fingers over her shoulder in support. She hums, relaxing at the touch, fitting the ball of her shoulder into the warmth of his palm.
 "Yeah," she breathes, glancing up at him. He lets his lips lift in a soft smile, hoping to coax one out of her as well.
 She doesn't smile, but she does turn into him, wordlessly slipping her arms around his waist beneath his jacket, embracing him with tender desperation. Her palms land against his back, pressing closer, branding him with the residual warmth her skin holds from carrying the coffee. The bag with their food lands on the chair cushion in a haphazard heap as Castle bands his arms around her, touching his cheek to her temple, pulling her chest flush with his, close enough for him to feel her shuddering breath, the hot spill of tears as she surrenders to her emotions.
 He doesn't let go, doesn't even think of loosening his hold on her. When she gulps air back into her lungs and uses his shirt to wipe her eyes, he draws her closer, burying his mouth in her hair and whispering promises he doesn't have the power to make.
 His eyes dart to Jim Beckett's bed, watching the steady rise and fall of the man's chest.
 Screw helplessness; whatever it takes, whatever deals have to be made, whatever the price tag, he'll do it. Anything to spare Kate Beckett from further heartache.
 "Thank you, Castle," she whispers a few minutes later, her voice husky against his throat. Her hands slide along his spine, locking at the small of his back instead of retreating the way he expects. "For being here, for letting me get your shirt wet."
 Castle's lips brush her temple, his hands sweeping gentle circles over her back. "Wet patches on a nice shirt are no match for this man," he says, feeling her shoulders shake – with amusement this time, he's pleased to note – before he continues, "Always, Kate. Always."
 She nods, stealing his breath as her lips purse against his skin. It's not a kiss, but it's not not a kiss either. Just like her, it's a mystery.
 "Always," she echoes, squeezing him once more. "That extend to sharing your waffle with me?"
 He gasps, leaning back just far enough to find her looking up at him, her eyes red-rimmed from her tears but soft with affection. Her lips quirk, widening into a smile that sends his heart tripping in his chest.
 "For you?" he drawls, matching her smile with one of his own. "Of course."
 "Kay," she says, slipping out of his embrace to reach for the bag before he forgets it's there and sits on it. "Then let's eat."
 Later, once the food is gone, Kate's hand creeps across the space between them. Her fingers trip over his wrist, plucking his nearly empty coffee cup from his grip and replacing it with the warmth of her palm.
 Looking her way, Castle finds his partner facing ahead, watching her father sleep. Beckett shakes her head, her hair falling around her face, her chin dipping at his scrutiny.
 He wants to say so much, wants to thank her for allowing him to be the one at her side, but as their fingers lace, slotting together, connecting them, he's content with sitting in comfortable silence until Jim opens his eyes.
A/N: Happy late birthday, Rachel! <3 <3
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