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chromorbid · 2 years

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If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not!

i just got so emotional over old ask chains bc of this, god you remember those days????? in 2012-2016 when this was a thing all the time and people had so much fun learning about one another and making friends??? i just happened to be looking at tags on my ollllllld second blog right before seeing this too. that feels a bit serendipitous, dont you think? :')

instead of just "3 random facts" i think i'll use this ask as a springboard prompt for a brief history of my time here on this website, since a lot of folks are returning and it might be nice to come out and see what some of my old lost chums might be up to now.

In mid-2011 i joined tumblr because i realized all my favorite dA artists were posting on dA less and on here more. I didn't do much here until i encountered a piece of fanart of a character from a certain webcomic, got curious about that comic, enjoyed it, and discovered that there was a big community on tumblr who liked it! my first ever URL was.... man i don't really remember! Maybe something reflecting my dA name at the time? But i don't remember what that was then either, having deleted that account ages ago. but i think my second one was "gamzeecryingalonewithpie" or something to that effect because the "laughing alone with salad" stock photo meme was big. It was so silly.

Eventually i trended into making all my urls/handles some sort of pun having to do with death, and some years ago i settled on my current url for a twitter handle because it really hit me in a place. My best friend and currently roommate @mossspores came up with it!

Anyhow, i basically spent all my time on tumblr being comparatively insufferable from 2011 to about 2017 before i migrated the majority of it to twitter. At the moment, I actually keep looking at all my archived posts from my old blog trying to find some old OC stuff and being ridiculously embarrassed at how silly (ignorant? abrasive? entitled?) my young self was. I'm not certain about sharing my olllllld URLs besides the one from before, but probably my most famous one was "ammodramus"--I was bestowed the nickname "Ammo" for the longest time and probably gained the most followers during the run of that one. I think the most followers i ever got up to was somewhere around 700 on my first blog and close to 1,800 on my second one. (funny now, i've had this particular blog probably the longest out of the three and barely have over 100. i like this better, though.)

Now for the BIGGEST thing i was part of....i was really into the whole once-ler fandom craze. yeah. i was there on the ground floor, and basically became one of the biggest enablers of the ask-blog phenomenon. i even tried really hard to make my own of the "personification" blogs eventually, but it fell down flat because i was in a dark place mentally on the side while also dealing with the gradual degradation of my physical ability to draw (aka painful arthritis). But i had the most fun i had ever had online before in the thick of it. i made toooons of friends and i even still keep in touch with a few of them. There were a lot of mistakes and upsetting blunders made by myself and a lot of people i knew, but these days i think i'm generally okay outing myself as having been a part of it. i mean, it's been ten goddamn years since that kicked off after all. lmfao. i was also an ignorant teenager.

Now you'll just see me skulking about on here vaguely while reblogging posts in short bursts because i still never took to figuring out how queuing posts works best. For a long-ass time i had a tagging system i took VERY seriously and trigger-tagged religiously. when i remade to my third and current blog, i gave that up and BOY did my mental health suddenly improve or WHAT. i realized i'd been absolutely running myself ragged with caring about appearances and making sure as often as possible to upset NO ONE with my posts. Basically, the way that simply analyzing every single post i shared and making sure to cover ALL my bases to make sure no one felt irked by my sharing of a post, was, uh. To put it mildly, fucking exhausting. And i posted A LOT. I can guarantee i had to have cumulatively reblogged nearly half a million posts between those two accounts. Last i checked on just my second blog, the pages went back into the 10,000s.

so yeah! hi to anyone who read through this whole thing who i knew way back when! I'm doing much better than i used to be, thanks to a lot of therapy and medication. i made it out of the house i grew up in, even the State i grew up in, and feel a lot less like i'm gonna die before 30! :') i've been chilling, playing final fantasy xiv, and eating lots of rice and vegetables. o/

thanks for the ask! <3

#combaticus #ask #wormds #ammodramus

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falloutboywife · 3 years

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I keep typing this up and then deleting it because I'm genuinely not sure what to say, like I don't know how much I should say or how I can even begin to express how I feel and I feel like it ultimately won't even matter because so much of it is sabotaged already lol. like I've been trying to talk to some people about it and talk about it as a whole but I really don't know how to because I've misled like. everyone, all because of stupid habits I formed in a community I never wanted to be apart of

there are parts of my personality and my past behavior that I'm actively trying to get away from but it's been really hard for a number of reasons. I used to be in this big community on Twitter that started out as being just "proship" (meaning they thought you should ship/like whatever you wanted because its all fake anyway) and I thought this would be a good space for me to just be myself, since every time in the past someone found out I was into something "weird" it blew up in my face because I'd had to hide it. I joined this community because I thought I'd be able to express myself more in general but it very quickly got out of hand and I got backed into the corner where I was encouraged more and more by the people around me to like. honestly be kind of gross and ridiculous because it gave me validation and I really thought I was doing something good for me. but this entire group of people wanted me to be hypersexual at all times and it got very out of hand and now its like.

me being horny and sexual and gross constantly is apart of my identity and the worst part is that I'm actually asexual, and I'm like barely invested in any of my actual sexual interests

and I know that it was my own behavior that led to people expecting this out of me and it was a group of people I had every option of leaving but I never did because I thought no one else would "accept" me. and being autistic my whole life without a proper diagnosis until recently makes it very hard for someone to be confident being on their own when you've always been seen as "weird"

this is a perception I genuinely do not know how to break free from and its these habits I've built up that allow my blog to be what it is. there are screenshots floating around about me with wildly outdated information that doesn't even exist anymore because I've since deleted and changed a lot of it but instead of like...asking for any sort of clarification, I've had people assume the worst about me (rightfully so) and its like

this identity i don't even want, that I don't even know how to get away from, is causing me problems when I genuinely feel like I'm not doing anything

I dont want people to think I'm this horny freak anymore, I want to like. be able to make jokes about how id LIKE to fuck Patrick or see frank in drag because I like the IDEA of it but its so hard to really convey this because I don't even know how to put it into words. especially since most things that have been misconstrued that I have, in fact, said in the past were still mostly jokes about my own sexuality

im fucking asexual and I don't want to have sex and I get drained when its all my friends want to talk about, but I trapped myself here and its having serious repercussions and I don't know how to make it go away

if I remade my account and changed my identity then id be misleading people who may have heard of my negative reputation in the past but I don't know how to change that reputation because its not who I am nor who I want to be and I don't even know if remaking would change it

yeah I still like a lot of the stuff I talk about on here (like redacted) but I don't really know how to explain that it isn't inherently sexual, and like

do you guys notice how I don't draw porn? it's because I don't actually like it but I like the implications of it

its really hard to explain and I don't even know if there's any point in explaining any of it because like. I think the people who decided to cut me out have their minds made up and I hope they see this post to see the explanations I wish I could have given them if they'd given me the chance

im not a sexual person, I'm the opposite of it, and the identity i built myself around is one that came out of pressures from people I desperately wanted to like me and out of the intense need to be in a community that accepted me but so long as that identity still exists somewhere out there its always going to follow me, especially if I keep giving into the expectations people have because explaining my sexuality to every single person that sees my tags would be daunting and exhausting

so like. I think I'm gonna take a break, I genuinely don't know what to do, and I'm sorry for encouraging all you guys to send me these messages but I think I need to stop for a while because like. I like giving you guys an outlet and I'm so happy you're so enthusiastic about these things but I'm so drained from doing this all day with everyone I talk to that its getting hard for me to have conversations with people who actually know what my deal is

I'm leaving this blog up especially since I have a lot of fandom-wide commitments and I hope that this clears things up. again, I'm sorry for misleading basically everyone but I'm not really sure how to break away from this

if we've been talking feel free to ask for my discord because after the bandom big bang thing I'm probably gonna be inactive indefinitely until I figure out what I wanna do

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tangerinegod · 4 years

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How did you start getting followers on your art blog?

short answer: i just post my art and tag it 😭 i dont have much advice that i actually follow besides consistent posting but i can give some of my thoughts on building a following down below! prep for a bit of a long post ig?

long answer: i accidentally deleted my entire account in january and was debating if it was worth trying again?? but the community on tumblr is rlly nice and i like sharing my work so i remade ig like 5 months ago now? i wont say the number but i dont have like a big following or anything on here; its less than both my twt accounts haha. i just post like i always do and tag things accordingly in case ppl need things blocked/dont wanna see spec characters ect. and to keep things organized.

i also dont really post any original work and only really draw fanart so like that helps a lot... all my personal work for ocs and stuff i both dont draw a lot of and also like to keep more private for like portfolio stuff ig? im not saying fanart is like a sell out for clout/lesser but doing work for something ppl are already invested into is a much easier way to build a following than going for original stuff unless what u have really catches the eye? i draw fanart tho just cus naruto is my special interest and has been for like... a loooong time so with or without social media id b drawing it anyways hehe

also posting work consistently is a big way to keep your stuff in the algorithm and for ppl to see it. anytime i take a break on twt for my own mental health i end up droppng 200-300 followers + it can b hard to get back into it; here it doesnt happen as much cus i think theres less bots but if u can manage it posting on a regular basis but not like too much lets people know youre active? it’s not very healthy imo and it shouldnt b that way but it’s what the current trend is ig for building a following.. i try and post on any social media i care about at least once a week if im like suuuuper busy w comms/other stuff but ideally daily/every other day is what i like 2 do, even if its just my garbo doodles i do before bed

and lastly i also try to avoid posting anything that isnt art? if i want to post or share other things i keep private accts on twt and here i am only on for naruto/keeping up w old mutuals so i dont have a seperate account; but if i ever did want to post something not my art/naruto i would make one to keep it separate. some ppl dont care abt seeing personal stuff but i like to keep my things in different places for easy reff and so if ppl visit they can just scroll for fast access w/out other stuff in the way.

i dont have a ton of advice that differs from what everyone else does to try to build up a following but hopefully this helps! if u have any other q’s tho feel free 2 ask and gl!!

#anon #ask #long post #nonart #sorry if this doesnt help at all... i actually prefer having a small following cus on twt i get so much rude shit LOL #its why i post in the middle of the night so no one sees it #anyways. if anyone else has q's feel free 2 ask; art is hard and i get that social media is a hellscape to navigate and build relations on #Anonymous

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shotfreed · 6 years

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Get to know this loser me.

Rules: Answer 20 questions then tag 20 (give or take) followers you wanna get to know better!

Tagged by: @kitakaze-no-ryu

Name: Jade

Nickname: Cova

Height: 4′9″ and ready 2 fite

Nationality: American

Favorite Fruit: Philippine mangoes

Favorite Season: Autumn, aesthetically. Summer is the only season my joints dont hurt all the time tho

Favorite Smell: freshly baked cookies with way too much vanilla. residual smell of long burned out too-sweet vanilla candles in a stuffy room with stale air.

Favorite Color(s): metallic red, sage green

Favorite Animal: Siberian huskies

Tea, Coffee, Hot Cocoa: hot cocoa? or hot water with honey.

Average Hours of Sleep: bruh whats a regular sleep schedule sometimes its 12 hours sometimes is 20 minutes but uhhhh maybe 4-5 hours broken up over the day??

Dogs or Cats: Both, but i love dogs shhhh

Dream Trip: road trip around the states and canada to meet my mutuals!!!

When my blog was created: this blog was deleted and remade and i have no fuckin clue

# of Followers: 126.

Random Fact: I joke about constantly dying, but i literally coughed up blood this morning, shrugged, and went about my day.

Favorite Food: dude i just had lumpia shanghai again the other day and fell in love all over again, but cocacola.

Favorite TV show: im not including anime bc i couldn’t decide. but i’ve also only watched game of thrones and westworld recently soooo.

Favorite Movie: fuck man. Either of the Now You See Me’s or Rise of the Guardians.

Favorite Vine: fffffuck me man there’s too many. there’s one that i KNOW exists but i cant ever find and it’s the fuckin hetalia theme and like marukaite chikyuu, marukaite chikyuu, marukaite chikyuu-- DRAW THE FUCKING CIRCLE and that was it that was the vine and i cannot for the life of me find it.

Sexuality: ace

Gender: fluid (he/him)

Favorite Book Series: CASTER CHRONICLES BY KAMI GARCIA AND MARGARET STOHL or WAYFARER'S SERIES BY BECKY CHAMBERS

Favorite Video Game(s): Kingdom Hearts, FFXV, UtaPri,

Favorite Subject: my creative writing class sophomore year was so fucking wild i still have flashbacks man

Favorite Fandom(s): im hardly really involved in any atm tbh... I have such fond memories of the haikyuu fandom though. BnHA has been good to me so far? theres certain ppl in the xv fandom who will always mean the world to me. this fandom has as well.

Favorite Superhero: shit uhhhh how far can i stretch “superhero”?? i’ve never felt very strongly for the superhero genre lmao... to be shitty i guess I kinda like where they’re going with Bakugo from bnha. I hope they don’t diminish this, i’m still fairly early on, but I like how yes he is a single track minded hot head. but he’s also not stupid. he’s observant, he’s to a point analytical, but still very emotionally driven. I really like how easy to forget it is that bakugo is very competent and while he does run away with his gut and his emotions, he’s not a blind fool and I hope they keep that aspect of him growing rather than just diminishing him into just the angry friend-rival.

Guys or Girls: all. fuck im ace but i am also super fuckin pan wow people. there are just so many fuckin good lookin people. wow.

Celebrity crush: bruh Kato Kazuki can murder me and i’d say thank you.

Last time I cried: yesterday bc i had a social exhaustion induced panic attack, snapped at my friends, felt shitty about it then had to drive in a lot of pain.

Hair Color: sunbleached brown.

Eye Color: Brown.

What Should I Be Doing: working lol. Tagging: bruh steal it

#long #abt mun #tag game #tysm for tagging!!

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miru667 · 6 years

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How did you become a Onceling?

Uhhh this got kinda long so im putting it under a readmore!

My first exposure to The Lorax was when my biology teacher read the book to the class in high school. That would’ve been…2006 at the latest. I watched The Lorax 3 weeks after it came out in 2012, cuz i was bored one day but i remembered seeing a trailer on tv for this movie which was based off the book that my bio teacher read to us 6 yrs ago, so i decided to watch the movie on a whim.

I enjoyed the movie and I think I cried at the end but i wasnt crazy about it just yet. I did look up the HBCIB song a couple days later, and then i think i tried googling for pictures of the onceler for reference cuz i wanted to draw him. Almost all fanart was from tumblr, so that’s when i discovered tumblr. Probably the first onceler fanart i saw actually was from this durnk lalonde askblog (nsfw) who has since removed their onceler art lol. And i just kept finding more and more rly good onceler fanart, and i started bookmarking the blogs of my fav onceler artists. I didn’t join tumblr yet.

I eventually found swag onceler’s askblog and he was extremely entertaining and i was absolutely captivated by his rude humour, his popularity, and the moments of genuine care and niceness that would reveal itself underneath the immaturity from time to time. I still hadn’t joined tumblr yet but i was so addicted to this askblog that i sent an ask thru anon anyway. When he answered it [here!] I was over the moon for the entire week.

At the time he also favoured a onceling named Peppermimint and ppl shipped them together as swaggermint. A lot of other fangirls got jealous but that only made me support the ship more, so i got EVEN MORE INVESTED in the askblog kjfdkfjg that’s right folks, my first ship in the fandom? a onceler askblog x self insert. i never shipped classic oncest or normaler.

I’d go into tinychats too to spy on oncelings talking to each other (also Swag would sometimes show up omg) but i was too shy to participate until one day I did and I also doodled the onceler on the whiteboard back when tinychat still had that feature. Ppl noticed and liked my art and Prisma (the tinychat host) encouraged me to get a tumblr so i could share my art with the fandom. I had already been fantasizing about making my own blog, not only to post my art, but so i could more easily follow all the onceler fanart blogs that i had bookmarked, but that encouragement finally convinced me. So after my final exams were over I started my blog on April 20th 2012.

After officially joining tumblr I eventually found an analysis blog called once-ler-fluff, which was deleted but then remade and you can see some of their original posts here: [link] (and OP is [here!]). It was these insightful analysis posts that really made me appreciate the movie a lot more and made me fall in love with the onceler.

THE REST IS HISTORY and if i keep going in the timeline i’ll never stop until we reach the present slfdjgfl but man 2012 summer was truly the happiest time of my life. I quit everything else i had been doing previously that year (which was mostly a ton of FB games, playfish/EA forum moderating, and venting in a secret online journalabt how sad i am over my past relationship breakup) because the onceler fandom was the only thing i wanted to focus on and the only thing i wanted to spend my time and energy on.

Sooo that’s how i became a onceling!

You can check out this post for more important dates/details: http://miru667.tumblr.com/post/45899026044/okay-im-going-to-record-some-historical-dates

#miruask #reference #onceler #anonymous #thanks for making me relive all that that was fun #tl;dr i watched the movie and was a swag onceler fan first then onceler fan 2nd

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renegade-shepard-archived · 6 years

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tag time!

i was tagged my @the-shifty-cow & @lilithleelynn thnx friends!

RULES: answer 30 questions and tag 10 blogs you are contractually obligated to know

TAGGING: @vixilancia @glowsh3p @adventure-butt @thedarwini @you-are-a-program @ta-mars-space @thatswhatshiisaid @bronzeagelove @joufancyhuh @pavustive (u guys obviously dont have to do this but id love it if u did!)

Nicknames: ryn (w/e u wanna call me rly) ive also had a shit ton of gamertags like cid & moh that ppl still call me

Gender/pronouns: he/him

Star sign: capricorn

Height: 5′ im smol

Time: 7:14pm est

Birthday: dec 24th

Favorite bands: i like a lot of bullshit from the 80s and 90s

Favorite solo artist: i honestly have no idea. i just listen to spotify on random

Song stuck in your head: i posted this on here a few days ago but its still stuck in my head not alone - matt & kim

this is rly long so the rest is under the cut if u care ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Last movie you watched?: RIPD

Last show?: i cant even remember i rarely watch shows. probably stranger things?

Why did you create your blog?: as i got older & couldnt hang out w/my gang as much it got a little lonely i guess in the sense that i was constantly surrounded by ppl w/different interests than me. &my family &best friend at the time only ever made fun of my interest in gaming. so tumblr was a nice place to go and create bonds w/ppl who shared those interests. &then a rly close friend of mine at the time that i met on here had sent me over their photoshop &taught me how to make simple gifs. ive deleted a few times and remade but ive never rly left. being able to easily join a community of ppl who all share love for something u love to is rly something special

What do you post?: videogame content mainly with a smattering of random shit i like and a sprinkle of memes

Last thing you googled?: if alistair had a last name hah

Other blogs: i used to run content specific blogs back in the day. i dont anymore yall can suffer in this fresh hell w/me

AO3: i dont have one. i dont think i could find the time to write, create content, draw &do daily life shit. & i actually dont read fanfiction ._. my ideas of characters never match anyone elses close enough so its actually anxiety inducing to read other ppls stuff. but im sure ur all great writers! (i always try to throw a like out to all my mutuals when i see their fanfiction posted on here)

Do you get asks?: lately i do. a few times a week at least. its amazing u r all amazing thank u for being so interested in sebastian &sending me all the nice tidings &everything else D: <3

How did you get the idea for your URL?: i just fucking love renegade shepards sheeeit

I follow: 202

Followers: 899

Average hours of sleep: idk like 4? insomnia blows

Lucky number: i dont have one but my favorite is 2 and idky tbqh

Instruments: i used to play the saxaphone >>

What are you wearing?: zelda pajamas &a tshirt that says the real guy the best guy

Dream job: i had always wanted to be a movie director, laywer, or therapist. right now i just wanna have a job lol

Dream trip: to the fridge

Favorite food: a hearty beef stew or any kind of marinated meat w/some plain rice. i eat like a fkn peasant

Significant other?: nah

Last book I read: probably the satanic bible? god its literally been over a decade rly. ive never been into reading.

Top 3 fictional universes: bioshock, mass effect, world of warcraft

#tag meme #about me

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mulletprrince · 7 years

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Tag thingamajig

tagged by the super fab @snowy-scientist !

Rules: Tag 20 people you want to know better

Name: Emma  Nicknames: none irl, but online I got by tree, bellabina, and mullet XD Star sign: Aries, the first and BEST of the signs Height: 5′6" Hogwarts House: Gryffindor officially, but I’m a self diagnosed Gryffinpuff Favourite colour: minty green and red but not together Favourite animal: Dogs first by principle, then tigers and Amur Leopards and Cats and Wolves and I HAVE HAD TO LONG TO THINK ABOUT THIS Average hours of sleep: 5-10 whoops Favourite fictional character: ehhh i love them all but Raven is just… Raven Number of blankets I sleep with: really depends on how i feel  Favourite singers/bands: yellowcard, fall out boy, and all time low, (also hamilton and in the heights) Dream trip: i go to costa rica like every year and honestly that’s my dream trip  Dream job: wildlife conservationist and freelance artist/ character designer for animation and maybe make my own webcomics When was this blog created: like this year because I remade my like 5 year old blog XD Current number of followers: i think like 149 or something? I need to delete a few porn bots When did your blog reach it’s peak: i have this one post thats voltron i think that is still getting notes but i also had one that got a thousand like a couple months ago?  Why I created this blog: remaking my old blog, mainly so I could reblog cool things and write and draw (but I post my art and cosplay on my sideblogs) Time right now: 9:28am Last thing googled: okay so I was searching up things on google to see the suggestions and i typed in “tumblr is…” and got “tumblr is cancer” and then accidentally clicked it so… tumblr is cancer is the last thing i searched XD Last movie watched: Hidden Figures!! Amazing movie about civil rights and nasa AND SPACE  Last TV show you watched: Voltron season 2 FLIP YEAH What are you wearing right now: the only part of my outfit that matters is fingerless gloves (im also wearing a star wars shirt, a steven universe jacket around my waist, and black Juicy sweatpants), no shoes because i like to walk around school barefoot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ What kind of stuff do you post: FANDOM (basically lots of whatever im into at the moment currently vld), also memes, shitposts, signal boosts, art, current events stuff, and more memes Do you have any other blogs: omg yes i have a lot @pearljames is my blog i made just dedicated to this one au where someone drew pearl as james from pokemon and.. i dont even know. I have a drawing blog that I never post on that i forgot the name of. Also a cosplay blog that i really like @chronicles-of-cosplay. @mulletweeb is my voltron sideblog, though i post a hecka lot of voltron on here so i dont know why i have that. Also i rp there. @yurio-plisetsky-on-ice is my yoi sideblog, and i have a bunch of others that i should probably delete Do you get asks regularly: psHHHH no Why did you choose your URL: thats basically a mix of my two internet names treerain and bellabina (bellabina is my middle name, and treerain was my user on the warrior cats forums XD) Gender: demi-girl Pokemon team: INSTINCT YO Lucky number(s): 3, 4

You dont have to do this if I tag you, but it’d be cool >@galactibun @joker-ace @anitabliss @paladin-of-blue @whitthecat @xenavitani @elentori-art @klanced @klance-klance-revolution @toonful

@pun

#get to know your followers #tag meme

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howtohero · 4 years

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#297 Massive Worldwide Team-Ups

(Hello! Welcome to How To Hero, if you’re just joining us for the first time, hoo boy, you picked a great time for that! The world as we know it is only at threat from one of mankind’s greatest failures, a man named Chuck who is a self-proclaimed fish-whisperer. You see, this is hardly Chuck’s first go at threatening all of his existence with his patented ability to control sea life with his whispers. He’s done it before, and it took every superhero on Earth coming together to seal him away in an alternate dimension. Great! Problem solved. Except he’s back now, and I’ll admit, it’s a little bit my fault.)

(You see, I’m How To Hero’s resident bad boy and so a few years ago I thought it would be fun to secretly hire an actual factual supervillain to act as a correspondent in exchange for free room and board in our basement. A decision which our fearless leader, Zach, did not approve of in the slightest. Zach and Dr. Brainwave butted heads quite a few times but that all ended when a bomb was mailed to our office and Dr. Brainwave nobly sacrificed himself to save the rest of us. What a guy. So we grieved, we mourned, we adopted his brood of mutant alligators. And then after a year had passed I did the only sensible thing I could do. I hired a new supervillain correspondent. A guy named Smuggles, one of the worst and weakest supervillains there ever was. A real non-threat. Or so I thought. As it would happen Smuggles did not take the job so he could live in our swank basement. He took the job so he could gain access to the late Dr. Brainwave’s interdimensional warp gate an object that we didn’t even know was in our basement. That one’s on us I guess. And so what does Smuggles do? He opens up a warp gate and frees Chuck the Fish Whisperer. What a jerk. Brainwave would never.)

(And so here we are. Well we is probably too strong of a word. Not all of us made it out of our building before Chuck and Smugs took it over. Zach must have walked in while Smuggles was bringing aqua dump back. He sounded the alarm, which prompted me and Curly to hightail it out using the emergency teleport pad we had installed after last year’s bomb scare. {And against the advisement of friend of the blog Half-Face McGee.} That’s Curly by the way, you can generally just ignore him. {Rude.} So Zach’s missing in action and presumed captured and the giant monster who lives in our backyard is wherever giant monsters go when they hear an emergency alarm. But luckily, Curly and I were able to get the word out vis-à-vis Chucky Fishlips, and so the entire superhero community is on high alert. It’s team-up central. Heroes are meeting up and comparing notes and drawing up plans. Heck, several supervillains have crawled out of the woodwork or broken out of prison to offer their assistance. Which is quite kind of them considering they’ve never shown in an interest in protecting the world from fish and smuggling in the past. Since this is the second time the world has had to contend with the horrors of a man who converses with fish with his best indoor voice, everybody already kind of knew where to go and what do. And that includes us, two of the minds behind the most comprehensive guide to all things superheroes to have ever existed.)

{We’ve relocated to the headquarters of the worldwide intelligence organization G.U.Y. I.N. T.H.E. C.H.A.I.R. (Or “Global Unified Youth Intelligence Network That Helps Engineer Coherent Harmonious Actionable Intel Rapidly” if ya nasty.) so that we could help coordinate the fabulous fighting forces that have teamed up to stop Chuck.}

\\Are you two done talking to your imaginary friends?//

(They’re not imaginary! And they’re not friends! They’re fans! Multitudes of adoring fans. Something you wouldn’t know about you bolt munching calculator.)

{Unfortunately, with all of the supervillains throwing their hats in the ring, every superhero has kind of been giving babysitter duty. Ultiman claims that the benefits of working with supervillains on this outweighs the burden of having to keep an eye on them so that they don’t take over the world themselves. Supervillains and heroes have been broken up into small squads, two heroes to one villain, where possible. And Parenthesis Guy and I make two, so we’ve been saddled with our very own supervillain. Meet the Nemesystem, a sentient virus that lives and feeds off of the internet. They’re the self-proclaimed greatest thinking apparatus in the universe and also a bit of a sassy b.}

\\If you have any interest in keeping your planet from being remade according to the sick fantasies of a man whose only social interactions for the past year have been with a dead goldfish he smuggled with him into his prison, I suggest you focus.//

{What’s up?}

\\Director Gael has asked us to put the pieces in play for Operation Deep Freeze, and I need access to your superhero rolodex.//

(Ah, this is an interesting one. You see, beloved fans, no two massive worldwide team-ups are the same. Each threat needs to be dealt with in a very specific manner utilizing the resources of the world’s super-community in the best way possible. For example, if we were contending with a giant planet-eater {that’s a giant who eats planets mind you, not a regular sized person who eats giant planets, which isn’t a real threat and certainly wouldn’t trigger a team-up of this scale.} we would simply gather up all of the weird toxins and poisons mad scientists and chemists and disgraced scarecrows had created and inject it into the planet. A planet-eater isn’t going to want to eat a poisoned planet! And if they do, well, then they get poisoned. Win win!)

\\I’m a supervillain and I think that that has to be the stupidest scheme I’ve ever heard.//

{Shut up can’t you see he’s working!}

\\I need Hatman’s contact info.//

(It’s obviously 1(800)-555-HATS, aren’t you supposed to know everything.)

\\I aggregate and analyze intelligence. As such, I actually have very little information on your organization or any of the superheroes you are in contact with.//

{Ooh, burn.}

(As I was saying, no matter what kind of threat you’re dealing with, your first priority should be to cut off their power sources. A powerless world-ending threat is a lot easier to deal with. As such, we’re taking any and all fish Chuck might try to use off the board. Any aquarium in a hundred mile radius has been placed under armed guard by a unit of heroes and villains. The Psychic Fish has been launched into space {in a rocket ship, that seems important to mention} and the big brains here at G.U.Y have devised Operation Deep Freeze to take the bay off the table.)

\\While you were blathering I took it upon myself to contact Hatman and Friar Frostbite and arranged for Hatman’s ushanka-shaped zamboni to be loaded onto Glassesman’s aviator-goggles shaped cargo plane. I have also directed the Cliffton Coast Guard to evacuate the bay. I also went through and deleted most of your work playlist as I found it objectionable and quite frankly atrocious.//

(I find you atrocious.)

\\I just hacked into the hall of records and had you declared dead.//

(Wouldn’t be the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last bucko!)

{Friar Frostbite, who is being monitored by Hatman and Glasseman, will freeze the top layer of the Cliffton Bay to prevent any of the fish who live within it to come to Chuck’s aid. It’s a temporary solution to be sure, but the thinking is that with Chuck cut off from his aquatic allies, the forces of good will be able to overwhelm him and Smuggles and detain them.}

\\A battalion of landsharks has appeared downtown.//

(Landsharks, damn, I knew we were forgetting about something.)

{Not me, I’m always thinking about landsharks.}

(Then why didn’t you say something!)

{I didn’t realize they counted as fish!}

\\Ultiman’s air-based team has reported that a sharknado has just touched down uptown.//

(Where did that even come from!)

\\Several mutants are clambering out of sewers across the city and attacking civilians.//

{Sewer-mutants? But they’re usually so peaceful/disdainful towards mankind!}

(Yeah! They think we’re gross and would never willingly interact with our kind. Unless...)

{Unless they weren’t in control, some of the sewer-mutant must be part fish.}

\\Shall I implement counter-measures?//

(One second, I’m getting a call from our lawyer, I need to take this.)

\\Ultiman will rue the day he hindered my gargantuan mind by saddling me with you two buffoons.//

(Yeah yeah, hang on. Lawyer Guy? What’s up, how’ve you been?)

[What the hell is going on? One of the partners at my firm just burst out of his office dual-wielding swordfish and shouting about the fall of man!]

(Oh shoot, that must be Perry the Pirate, I’d heard he’d become a lawyer. Do your best to wrestle the swordfish out of his hands, good luck!)

[What are you talking ab-]

(He’ll be fine. Nemesystem, listen up because we’re going to take care of all of this right now.)

\\The logical solution would be to send the most capable and powerful heroes to these hotspots and put a stop to things as quickly as possible.//

(Sure it would be, if you wanted our forces divided so Charlie Tuna can achieve his main objectives.)

\\His what?//

(His main objectives, his ultimate plan. You see readers, all of these things, the sharks, the mutants, the sword wielding lawyer, they’re all distractions. Big time villains that are faced with the combined forces of every hero and villains on the planet are going to launch a bunch of diversions. It’s the only way they can actually accomplish anything. Divide the heroes, misdirect and confuse them, and whatever you actually want will be yours for the taking. So here’s what we’re going to do. Nemesystem, direct Ultiman and his team to ignore the sharknado, have them converge How To Hero Headquarters. Nobody leaves there without us knowing about it. Hurricane Hank-)

{Isn’t he retired?}

(Yeah, but he still has his powers. Have him rendezvous with Glassesman and have them get as close as they can to the Sharknado, Hank should be able to disperse the winds and then once the sharks are in the bay, Operation: Deep Freeze should take them off the board.)

\\Very well, I will contact the octogenarian who can control the wind.//

(Glad to see you’re cooperating, thank you very much. Now, landsharks.)

\\We have a battalion of Atlantean soldiers waiting in the wings, they have fought land, sea and sky sharks on numerous occasions, I am moving them into position now.//

(Absolutely not! Keep them on the coast where they are now, the last thing we need is for any fish-monsters to get out of the bay before we freeze it. Now, landsharks might be equipped to move on land, but they still need water. So why don’t we crank the heat up a bit. How fast can we get any lava monsters we’ve got to where the landsharks are?)

\\Well... since they can move through the Earth it would only take them a matter of minutes but I really think-//

(Uhbupbup, I’m in charge here, and I will not be talked back to by the rank and file.)

{And rank is right, do you smell that?}

\\I am a computer system I have no corporeal form and therefore do not emit any scents!//

{Sure buddy.}

(What’s left? The mutants?)

\\Indeed, I’m directing the nearest three superhero/villain teams to their location.//

(Hold that order, I want you to give the mind controlled mutants a large berth. The sewer-mutants have their own heroes and scientists, they’ll want to deal with this internally. If our people interfere it could be a diplomatic nightmare. Now, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all of these things happened simultaneously. Chuck must be getting ready to make his big push now, get our heavy hitters, Cowboy Rockstar, Cannonballer: Baller of Cannons, Rockblock, Tim the Fabulous Soul Muncher, down to How To Hero now. Once we have Chuck in custody we can figure out where he’s keeping his prisoners and get things back to normal before our next post.)

\\Ah yes, I’m sure the state of your blog is at the forefront of every superhero’s mind right now.//

(I would imagine so, yes.)

{We’re very popular, it’s true.}

\\Very well, the teams have been directed as you suggested. Would you like me to tap into the local news so we can see how things go down at your headquarters.//

(Nemesystem, I would love that. See, I knew we’d be fast friends in no time.)

\\Indeed.//

“We come to you now, live, from right outside How To Hero Headquarters. As always I’m local news anchor Louie Hewis, describing things in excruciating detail! Here with me is rockstar/model/demigod/world record holder for most consecutive backflips, Cowboy Rockstar, Mr. Rockstar, how are you today?”

“I’m good Louie. Things are tense of course, what with the world’s deadliest supervillain back in this plane of existence. But I’m confident we’ll have this wrapped up before the next How To Hero post. As you can see I’ve got about sixty superheroes and villains with me here and we’re just about ready to breach the building and pull Smuggles and Chuck out kicking and screaming if need be.”

“That sounds like good news to me Cowboy Rockstar. And I should know! I read the news every day!”

“You sure do Louie, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get my team ready.”

“Cowboy Rockstar is now backflipping back over to his colleagues. Gosh he’s so cool. A hawk just landed on his arm. Perhaps providing him with key intel for the coming battle? The assembled heroes and villains look determined, they know that they are our way of life’s last line of defense. It could be hours until backup arrives due to a series of freak fish related phenomena that are occurring all over the world. Hold on, it looks like they’re ready to breach. Cannonballer: Baller of Cannons has just lifted up a nearby cannon and bunched it into a baller and... Yes! She has hurled it directly through the front doors of the building. They’re all running towards the door now! They’re going to get in! Oh what in the world! Folks, you’re not going to believe this but a huge chasm has just opened up in front of the breach-team and it seems to be spewing... is that hellfire? Oh god, what is going on here.”

(Hellfire? That’s like, the complete opposite of Chuck’s shtick!)

\\Yes, everybody knows that hellfire is the opposite of whispering to fish.//

(Cool it, we need any angels we know to get down there pronto. Call in Hydrosassin, Aquasassin, and any other water themed assassins we know. You know what, water themed nonassassins too. We can still salvage this.)

\\I’m afraid I won’t be doing any of that.//

(Well then get off my screen and let me do it myself!)

{Uh, Parenthesis Guy...}

(One second, I’ve had just about enough of this obnoxious computer virus. Get out of my way Nemesystem, or I’ll unplug your hard drive.)

\\Hahaha. You foolish human. I have grown beyond my meager hard drive and this pathetic monitor. While we’ve been here I’ve managed to spread my electronic tendrils to every computer on G.U.Y.I.N.T.H.E.C.H.A.I.R.’s vast network. I’m everywhere now, and there’s nothing you can do about it.//

“This just in folks, the superheroes have been completely surrounded by hellfire. And their supervillain allies do not seem very eager to help them. On wait, a few of them are reaching for something. Perhaps some kind of heavenly hose? Oh! Nope, it was just guns. They’re all aiming guns at the trapped superheroes now. This is not going the way Cowboy Rockstar said it would. Thankfully, Ultiman is here! He’ll know what to do. He has been circling the building with a team of flight capable superheroes and supervillains and he is now swooping to the rescue! Oh, too slow, Ultiman. The trapped superheroes have been zapped by some sort of beam that was fired from the roof of How To Hero Headquarters. Better luck next time Ultiman. Oh, now all of the flying supervillains are turning against the remaining heroes. This is some real world class news everybody!”

(What’s going on here Nemesystem?)

\\You’ve been played Parenthesis Guy, all of you. You were too busy trying to outsmart Chuck the Fish Whisperer that you never considered that he wasn’t the one pulling the strings here.//

(And that would be who? You?)

\\Hardly, that’s the beauty of this plan. Nobody is pulling the strings. This is a full blown, massive, worldwide, supervillain team-up. And you super fools have basically let us in with open arms.//

(You’ve hardly won here. We’re just gonna head out, regroup, and come back better than ever.)

{Wait, were those gunshots?}

\\Indeed. My associate, Major Malware will be here shortly to capture you and the rest of the guys in the chair. Thus, crippling the remaining superheroes’ information and intelligence network.//

{We’ve gotta go.}

(Agreed.)

“Not so fast!”

(Ah, hello Major, you’re looking good. The Matrix code face tattoo is really... cool?)

“Hands in the air, you’re both coming with me.”

(Ha, that’s cute, I guess Nemesystem didn’t tell you about our secret weapon.)

“What? What secret weapon?”

\\I know nothing of any secret weapon.//

(Oh Nemesystem, you don’t know anything about us. Secret weapon activate! Curly! Punch him in the nuts!)

{What! No, you punch him in the nuts.}

(I’m the leader, when I tell you to punch someone in the nuts you do it.)

{I think you’ve grossly misunderstood our relationship.}

“Both of you put your hands above your head. I won’t ask agai- GAH- What- What is this? What’s happening?”

\\What are you doing to him?//

{Is this the secret weapon?}

(Honestly I have no idea what’s going on.)

“GET OUT! NOW!”

\\Major what is wrong with you?//

{I say we listen to him.}

(You don’t have to tell me twice, our teleport mat is on the roof, let’s move.)

{That was crazy!}

(I know, who would’ve thought that every supervillain in the world would betray us?)

{No, that was pretty obvious, I mean just now. With the villains and the daring escape.}

(Oh with Major Malware? Yeah, that was a bit weird I’ll grant you that.)

{A bit weird? He had us at gunpoint and then all of a sudden he seized up and chucked his gun across the room and yelled at us to get out.}

(Yeah, it was almost like he’d been... possessed?)

{Yeah I guess so! Weird! Anyway, we need to link up with whatever resistance is out there.}

“ATTENTION WORLD! THIS IS SMUGGLES BROADCASTING ON EVERY COMPUTER, TELEVISION, RADIO AND SMART FRIDGE IN THE WORLD. WELCOME TO THE NEW WORLD ORDER. I PROMISE THAT US VILLAINS WILL DO OUR BEST TO CREATE A SMOOTH TRANSITION FROM YOUR OLD NORMAL LIVES TO THE OPPRESSIVE DICTATORSHIP THAT WE INTEND TO BRING ABOUT. TO ANY SUPERHEROES THAT WE MISSED, OR THAT GOT AWAY, I’D ADVISE YOU TO STAY AWAY. WE CONTROL EVERYTHING NOW, AND WE WON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES TWICE. I LOOK FORWARD TO A PRODUCTIVE AND ASYMMETRICALLY BENEFICIAL REIGN OF TERROR! WE’LL CHAT SOON. CIAO.”

(Ah. It looks like we might have our work cut out for us.)

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