as I reread the Market of Monsters series I need to thank Rebecca Schaeffer again for giving us a set of main characters who openly discuss being on the aroace spectrum and have a QPR without it ever being seen as lesser than a romantic/sexual relationship, and having it be a core part of their relationship as characters without being used as a diversity play.

Smokey brand Reviews: True North

The Golden Compass sucks. i saw that wet fart when i was younger, on a whim, and was thoroughly disappointed. Sh*t didn’t make a lick of sense to me. That film was my first introduction to the His Dark Materials and it soured me on the entire franchise. Like most of the movie-going crowd because it flopped like a fat man into a public pool. The thing abut that movie is that it felt like another entry into the Narnia Chronicles, and abhor that franchise. I’ve hated them since i was forced to read them when i was in the third grade. They were terrible, and that was before i become aggressively areligious. Afterward? Bro. Suffice it to say, when the BBC adaption was announced, it was hard pass for me. And then my mom got HBOMax.

I was seeing a ton of ads for season two, a strong focus on Lyra and John Parry. Th more i saw of those Youtube ads, i don’t watch television anymore, the more i became intrigued. Eventually, i bit the bullet and did some research on he show, itself. Yo, i was SO glad i opted to give this thing a chance. The cast was amazing. the principal characters, all some of my favorite actors but, more than that, the plot was mad intriguing. It was so clever and unique and so far removed from Narnia wank, it could be considered anti-Narnia almost. How the f*ck did that movie get so much wrong? Suffice it to say, i gorged on that first season like a fat kid gorges chocolate cake. I finished it last night and these are my impressions.

The Outstanding

First and foremost, i absolutely have to praise Dafne Keen in this, man. She is Lyra Silvertongue, heroine and main character of the entire Dark Materials series. This success of this show rests on the shoulders of the then fourteen year old and she carries that sh*t like a champ. There is a wit and wisdom that Lyra carries which belies her age and Keen taps into that effortlessly. She played Laura Kinney in Logan a few years back, keeping pace with Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, so i knew she was skilled in her craft but i never imagined she’s be able to carry such demanding fair, so early in her career. I’d say she was the best thing about this show but that’s not really true. The level of quality in this thing is just that profound.

Ruth Wilson plays Marisa Coulter, Lyra’s mother, and, holy sh*t, is she incredible in the roll. Look, i love Wilson, even when she is in less than quality productions like The Affair. That show was bogus. What wasn’t bogus was her stint as Alice Morgan on Luther. I absolutely fell in love with her on that show and Ms. Coulter gives me all of the Alice vibes, just far more cruel. If Alice was calculating and aloof, the Coulter is deceitfully cruel and i love every second of it. You can tell there is a sadistic streak, straight up wrath, just below the surface and Wilson captures that skin deep veneer in a gently terrifying manner.

James McAvoy comes through and delivers yet again with his detached and insidious Lord Asriel Belacqua. It’s always a pleasure seeing this man do his job and, admittedly, he’s not in this first season much but the time that he is, McAvoy dominates. This is a desperate, desperate, man who knows he is right and will do anything to accomplish his goal. This single-minded drive reminds me so much of Sosuke Aizen from BLEACH and, like Aizen, Lord Asriel literally threw away everything to achieve that goal. It’s wild seeing Professor X go full Magneto and love it!

Line-Manuel Miranda is in this as the snarky Lee Scoresby, Texan Aeronaut, extraordinaire. Look, Manuel is a brilliant artist, i can’t take that away from him. He’s exceptional in Hamilton and on the stage but that’s a completely different skill set. There is a way you have to perform, to project, on stage that doesn’t translate to film and Manuel is still trying to get a handle on that. He’s not terrible in this role, mind you, but he’s just serviceable. However, the chemistry he has with Keen is something special. You can tell they get along strongly and that genuine interactions shines through in their performances together.

The rest of the cast is just as strong, specifically Kit Connor and Joe Tandberg as Pantalaimon and Lorek Brynison, respectively. Ariyon Bakare, Clarke Peters, Anne-Marie Duff, Lucian Msmati, Amir Wilson, Ruta Gedmintas, Will Keen, and Lewin Lloyd all turn in incredibly strong performances, for what they were given. A lot of these characters deserved a bit more screen time, a bit more fleshing out, but i am okay with what we did receive. This ain’t their story, it’s Lyra’s.

I just need to take some time and praise this show for how properly gorgeous it is. I mean, the level of production on this thing is rather profound, you knew that in the opening scene during the flood, but moreso as the world begins to expand. I know a lot of this stuff is filmed on sets and what not but, my goodness, are they elaborate and detailed. That whole arctic run was brilliant. It’s particularly intriguing when you understand how well the CG effects were used in regards to budget. The whole “show don’t tell’ adage definitely comes into effect for this serial and it’s all the better for it.

I am absolutely in love with the narrative, man. Never mind the actual plot in the books, the adaption presented is one of the best I've seen in a long a while. My goodness, the world being built is so enthralling, so captivating, i hate that i slept on this show, this series, for so long. I understand that this is one interpretation of the novel events but I'm still infatuated with every second of it.

The writing in this show is on point, for sure. It feels organic, it feels real. I know this is a series of books, decades old, but that goes a long way to proving the pedigree of this adaption. This doesn’t feel out of place or trite or try hard. It works beautifully, except for when Manuel is delivering dialogue outside of his scenes with Keen, and that is a real joy to watch.

There is a distinct focus on diversity displayed throughout this show so far and i love it. This is a reflection of the world in real time and more, big budget, shows need to show this reality. The difference between this and, say, Disney Star Wars or current Doctor Who, is the fact none of the representation in Materials feels forced. It feels organic, intrinsic to a story about entire worlds. You need this level of diversity for this story to be taken even remotely seriously in the modern day and i commend the production for handling this so well.

The Okay

I’ve never read the books so i can only judge this thing on what i glean from the wiki and what i see in the show. While i am completely smitten with what has been resented, the show feels like an abridged version of what we get in the books. I know for all adaptions that’s true but this feels like a legit highlight real of the greatest hits. I can’t say for sure but the adapted screenplay feels like it’s trying to load up on plot as much as possible, in as short a time as possible. Makes for an interesting view but, as a cat who understands storytelling, it feels like a patchwork of content.

This thing has some pretty brisk pacing. Again, i don’t know from where this first series is adapted but it definitely feels like they were in kind of a hurry to get. I mean, it really doesn’t but once sh*t gets started, it never looks back at all. It feels like that, at certain times, we should have definitely sent more time on an interaction or with a relationship. Lyra’s time in the Magisterial and Bolivar, particularly, seems rushed to me.

It’s uncomfortable how many times they make Dafne get naked. Obviously, they don’t show anything and it’s all inferred but, like, gross.

The Verdict

I loved this show, man. Absolutely adored every second of it. The BBC, when it really wants to, can produce some brilliant film. Luther, Sherlock, War of the Worlds, are all favorites and now His Dark Materials can be confidently added to that list. This show is gorgeous to watch, the production values on full display. Sweeping cinematic vistas both real and composite, permeate this rather cleverly effect heavy adaption. The performances, alone are enough to keep you coming back for more but this is, genuinely, one of the most gorgeous shows I've ever seen. Speaking of performances, everyone is excellent but the anchor is definitely Dafne Keen. Her Lyra Silvertongue is the linchpin of this entire show and she bares that weight brilliantly. I forget sometimes that she’s only fifteen, especially considering the talent she with whom she shares the screen. Ruth Wilson, James McAvoy, and Lin-Manuel Miranda all have capitol roles in this first season and they relish their time on camera, especially Wilson. I’ve been a fan of hers since that brilliant run on Luther as Alice Morgan so seeing her, here, has been giving me the best type of deja vu. His Dark Materials is f*cking outstanding, man. I can gush about this thing ad nauseam but this essay would definitely turn into a novel and no one wants that. If you have HBOMax, definitely give this a go. It’s one of the best shows out, has a full eight hours to binge in season one, and another four, so far, in season two. Sh*t is dope and i highly recommend a proper watch.

The Fates Divide Book Review

by Veronica Roth

4/5 stars | Goodreads

~ hey everyone! i just wanted to add a note that i tried something new while reading which was taking notes of what i liked each time i read. why? so i could give a more in-depth book review. i normally forget what i want to say about a book because it has been a few days since the beginning of the book or because i forget to write a review until later. this way, i remember everything i want to say and i can take my time when writing them. hope you enjoy this ~

**spoilers, second book in a series, read at your own risk**

The Fates Divide picks up right where the first novel ends: Cyra, Akos, Teka, Isae, Cisi, Sifa, Eijeh, and Ryzek on a spaceship fleeing from Voa. Political tensions are heating up and our main characters are in the middle of it. Do they choose sides in the inevitable war that will happen between Thuvhe and Shotet? What side do they choose? They handle politics, family woes, life-changing oracle readings, love, and plan to murder those in power.

Immediately, I noticed how much Veronica Roth’s writing developed from the first book to the second, making me give it the book an even higher rating. Everything was so much more developed. Since characters carry stories for me, I immediately noticed how much more rounded they were. Overall, diversity was handled really well. Often characters of a marginalized community are made so odd because they are just insensitive stereotypes. It didn’t feel like that in this novel. Gay couples are just couples. It’s not a “big deal” in this world that couples like this exist––not even for characters in higher positions. There’s even hints of a mirror on the racism and xenophobia in our own world and how we ostracize people, even on their own land like having certain amount of drops of blood determine who you are, or the Shotet attack being viewed as immoral compared to the Thuvhe attack, and more. There’s even nonbinary rep! It all made me so happy to see done so casually without making it unimportant.

Staying on characterization, the POVs really help set each character and the storylines apart. We were able to see Akos’s mental health deteriorate through his actions and thoughts. The same goes for his change in grit and willpower as he became more quick-witted and began back talked a lot. Eijeh’s POV was probably the most interesting because he has this double-sided mind that I’ve never seen in fiction because we’re able to see so much more than just his mind. For Cyra, we got to see more of her pain which got lost in the first novel. The little reminders helped me understand what chronic means, especially when she was so distraught over them coming back in the end. It’s also brilliant to see Cyra’s interest in knowledge instead of just being told. Her tangents and random questions hit the nail in the head. The opposite happens though with Cisi. Cisi was kind of underdeveloped since her POV was to focus on Isae. The reader is treated as if we can’t remember that her currentgift holds her back from speaking truthfully. We’re told over and over again that she can’t say what she wants instead of just having her throat close up. All of this interiority allowed me to feel the weight of the actions that took place making me genuinely stressed out and tuned into the plot.

Lastly on characters, they were so humanly and their relationship arcs were strong. Veronica Roth included simple things like forgetting someone’s name and burping from a stomach ache. That never happens in novels! But it’s something people do everyday! I felt like I was actually along an everyday journey with them rather than missing the slightly mundane pieces. On relationships, they didn’t feel forced at all. The rift that happens between Cyra and Akos was very necessary. Without it, there would have been many questions hanging in the air that would have made this shallow. Cyra grew because of it since she didn’t rely on Akos, and I loved that. Controlling her temper and thinking before firing off was *chef’s kiss*. The rift also showed us just how much they love each other. I ached when they both realized why or what made them love the other person––it was much more angsty than other romance novels that aim to be. There’s even something to be said about familial relationships and what really makes someone your family since that is important to the plot. There’s even a cute female friendship between Teka and Cyra that is honest and not simple but also not too important.

Admittedly, the first fifty pages made a few things predictable, BUT, since they were apart of the beginning novel arc, I wrote it off as acceptable. They served a larger purpose and weren’t surface level. They actually added to the added weight of the stakes at hand.

At first, I was unsure how I felt about the ending. I loved that feelings from the previous 200 pages weren’t ignored just because everyone survived. It makes sense that Cyra and Akos couldn’t immediately forgive each other––but it also makes sense that their hard feelings weren’t stable because of how much they love each other. The same goes with the state of the galaxy. Just because Voa was saved, doesn’t mean that the war ends or that political beliefs magically change. Just because Akos killed Lazmet doesn’t mean that Thuvhe and the Shotet make up or that the Hessan people forgive him for betraying the temple. The ending was comfortable. It wasn’t as chaotic as I expected but I felt calm during the falling action. As a side note, it made me so giddy with happiness that Ogra accepted the Shotet onto their planet because the people who had fought to be seen finally were given the respect they deserve!

Lastly, as a personal wish: I would love to see a spin-off novel/series/novella of this set further in the future because I want to see how everything works out! We’re told the Assembly becomes more active in fighting against some planets and I’d like to see the aftermath through an eighteen year old’s eyes, fifty years later, who lives on Zold. The world in this series is so complex and interesting and the science intrigues me rather than pushing me away. I want to learn more about currentgifts and even see more of the other planets.

Scarlet Carnation - Chapter 3 (F!Byleth x Edelgard)

Collaboration with @datsexykiwi

A/N: Not much to add here other than this took me a while. Hope you enjoy it! Chapter 4 should be up soon with Kate’s part. 

>> Previous Chapter 

---

How long has this been going on for?

This… back and forth exchange between the two worlds... It has been going on for some time. Whenever she closes her eyes, when she falls into a state of unconsciousness, she would be bolted awake to another world.

One with an older Edelgard.

One with a younger Edelgard.

They were the same person, but also not the same.

They were perfectly identical, but drastically differed.

‘ Edelgard… ’

It would be incorrect to surmise that Byleth has gotten used to it. Nearly a whole month crawled by on the calendar, yet her comprehension defined the situation as a trippy episode. A long, trippy episode that continuously looped.

‘ When will this ever end? ‘

Byleth pressed the palm of her hand against her forehead as she stood inside the greenhouse. Slight fatigue, occasional headaches, and sporadic dizzy spells seem to have plagued the poor woman after the first week.

She narrowed her hues as the muscles from her left eye continuously twitch. Discussion with Sothis back in her world theoretically explained that her physical features may be unaffected, but the same treatment does not apply to her mentality. It was unnoticeable at first. Waking up between the realms was as natural as transferring from vehicle to vehicle. One week… two weeks… three… Then, a month. As today marked the end of the first month, Byleth was assaulted with the creeping nuisances. Her hand slid down till it vertically concealed half of her facial features.

‘ It feels like I’m awake 24/7… ’

There seems to be no cure for it either. Hark, it must have been a blessing that from the time she “returned” back to this dimension, she participated in nothing more than minor skirmishes! Battles hardly lasted an hour, the other side raised their white flags or were brutally eliminated in the process. Had she partaken in anything longer… Another small thud clunk against her skull. Almost as if on cue, the professor stumbled to the side as her entire vision tilted. If it weren’t for her outreached hand, she would have crashed right into a patch of flowers.

“...”

She kneeled down, lowered her head, closed her eyes, and slowed her breathing. Swirls of blackness rippled throughout the dark surroundings. Drums beat in the background, her blanketed vision pulsed in-sync with her pounding heart. She roughly scraped her nails among the ledge’s surface.

Fascination for everlasting peace and quiet found only in sleep was strong. Alas, reality was cruel and unfortunate to the teacher. Even a nap would toss her back to her own world, lest they occur at randomized parts of the day. (Comically, she had “woken” up when she was in the midst of taking a dip in the sauna!) The fact that blurred imagery inserted itself into the equation amplified her exhaustion. Flickering flames tickled her exposed skin, gentle breeze of the seawater reminds her of the great ocean, shadowed figures present with short white noise blurbs… Ambiguity is an understatement.

Byleth pursed her lips. She can’t even determine the source of the visions she’s forced to experience. Not even Sothis has the answer to it yet! Perhaps her savior would be found in death alone after all.

‘ I don’t have much of a choice, do I. ’

That alternative option sent a chill down her spine. Her fingers coincidentally brushed upon the scarlet carnation. She instinctively retracted her applied hand, cracked open her eyelids, and wearily gazed at the plant.

A flower that she had planted alongside with Edelgard... A flower that she still could not remember having planted alongside with Edelgard. Despite the blank card that Byleth keeps on pulling, it did not deter her from singing praises for the object of interest. The high sun’s rays made its petals glimmer with striking beauty. Conducting a basic observation had alleviated the foreign adverse effects in a matter of seconds. An exhale trembled past her partially parted lips as she grazed upon its thin petals once more.

‘ Scarlet carnation… ’

Byleth resisted the temptation to snap the flower’s stem. Instead, she mindlessly glossed her thumb and index finger over it.

It was a majestic piece of art. She recalled the much older lord speaking about it; a cheery disposition prominent with the subject. Every single time she returned to this realm, the white-haired would drag her professor into the greenhouse. Regardless of her teacher’s state, they would always walk into the organized greenery. No skips and no excuses. They would always arrive without fail.

‘ She really wants me to see the flowers with her. I wonder why? ’

Asking questions about this intriguing matter is a useless feat. First of all, despite her lack of social etiquettes, Byleth knew that a negative connotation would be implied. No matter how careful she chooses her words, they will slug Edelgard across the face. Second, it seems as though there is this odd fixation with the flowers. The ex-mercenary was not sure why, but the vermillion emperor made it a necessary part of her life to see the botanical object. She would touch the scarlet carnation, lean down, reminisce about their past, straighten her posture, turn to Byleth, and engage in a banter. Each day followed this protocol to a T.

Not even the others knew. Not even Dorothea, who was one of the few closest friends to Edelgard.

“Edie has been visiting the flowers ever since you’ve disappeared five years ago, Professor,” Dorothea remarked, a weary sigh followed. “I had originally thought she was watching over the carnations you’ve both planted. It turns out that she still visits them.”

“Is there a particular reason as to why Edelgard is so hung up on these flowers?”

When presented with this question, Dorothea shrugged her shoulders.

“I do not know the answer, Professor. All I know is that she always wanted to be alone with the carnations when you were gone.” A faint smile blossomed on the songstress, genuine like a lone sunflower in the midst of cruelty. “Perhaps it is a blessing that you came back. Now she doesn’t have to see them by herself.”

Byleth retracted her fingers from the plant.

‘ Too bad I’m here alone. ’

Unfortunately, Edelgard had to take her leave early. Ferdinand, Petra, and Dorothea called the emperor over for a strategic meeting. Although Byleth normally oversees and guide these alumni, Hanneman suggested that she take a break.

“You always seem so tired, Professor. I think you should relax for today.”

She remembered touching the skin beneath her eye while he strongly advised her. The ex-mercenary would normally object to such bewildering claim. Tired? Please, her physical condition is in tip-top shape. If they were to go into battle within the next minute, Byleth would be the first one in the frontline. She would have more than enough energy to slay those that stand in their way.

At least, that would be what she would do if she did not possess these obnoxious side effects. Besides, the older male seems to act as if it were in her best interest to heed his words; his firm and steady look made it impossible to counter and object.

“If only Manuela were here… She would have you checked up in no time.”

His attentive features of a wise scholar drooped. Hanneman’s vision began to metaphorically cloud as his thoughts crawled back to the other professor. Why, oh why, did Manuela side with the Kingdom of Faerghus? Out of all the quantifiable and qualitative problems he’s encountered, none of them were like this. Not a single research article or book could elaborate on the finer details of this intricate ordeal.

Did she betray him? Or did he betray her?

He shook his head. The contagious twinkle that shone behind his monocular dulled despite forming a small smile.

“Farewell, Professor. I will see you soon.”

Those were his last words before walking away and leaving Byleth all alone in the monastery’s garden. Silence followed afterward, save it for the two gardeners tending to the plants. Though the professor could have parted from the premise, she decided to stick around. Furthermore, the sun’s rays basked her figure; the temperature within her environment was at an ideal condition. (If she were to become an animal in the next life, she would not hesitate to choose a cat.) Mere minutes of serenity ticked by until it led to the present time.

“...”

She sat on the ledge opposite of the grandiose double doors. Fingers intertwined, she gazed past the open barriers. Students’ chatters and laughter had all been replaced with imperturbable guards and prideful soldiers. There were members of mercenaries outside of Jeralt’s group even present too! Byleth firmed her lips, the tip of her thumbs unconsciously tapping each other. She eventually closed her eyes as a warm breeze ruffled her large overcoat and bangs.

How ironic for a diverse population with little to no similarities band together under times of war.

‘ Edelgard really is something, isn’t she… ’

“Professor, is that really you?”

The ex-mercenary snapped open her lids. She found herself staring at three students; all of whom were from the Blue Lions House. Aside from Sylvain, Ingrid Brandl Galatea and Mercedes von Martrtiz were present.

Byleth widens her eyes as her thumbs stilled. She remembered them… Back in her world, she had taken the time to get to know everyone. As the days crawled by, Ingrid and Mercedes explicitly hinted their interest in joining Byleth’s class. Their brilliant auras radiated whenever they spot the professor. Small talks were engaged. An occasional visit with Felix, Sylvain, and Dimitri wiggled their way into their conversations. Livelihood was an understatement once they came together. Unfortunately, it never went beyond that point. The two remained under Hanneman’s teaching; lamentations mushed in their intonation.

“Maybe one day we can join your class, Professor.”

She slowly got up from her seat, her gaze fixated on the two newcomers.

‘ It seems in this realm, they were recruited. ’

Then, a smile broke from Byleth. Although she had lost her father, Hubert, Caspar, Bernadetta, Linhardt, and the majority of colleagues from the Church of Seiros in this world, the fact that Ingrid and Mercedes were a part of her allies swelled a bubble deep within her chest. She placed a hand on it; a short burst of air coming from her mouth.

“You both…”

Without warning, Ingrid launched herself at the teacher.

“Professor–!”

Had it not been for the large, overgrown leaves, the warrior would have tumbled backward into the soil! Many question marks flew out of her head as Ingrid tightly hugged the professor; a torrent of tears burst through the dam in addition. This nearly gave Byleth a heart attack. Someone who is more of a knight than every knight that existed in this era has crumpled into a shriveled ball. How out of character for Ingrid!

The tactician quickly recomposed herself and closed her arms around the sobbing blonde. This caused a stronger reaction to arise from the young woman. Byleth partly opened her mouth as she began to pat her back. As Ingrid buried her face into Byleth’s chest like that of a mourning child, Mercedes clasped her hands together in the background.

“It’s a miracle that you’ve returned to us, Professor,” she softly smiled. “Although Lady Edelgard would not approve of my belief, I say that the Goddess has answered our prayers.”

“You think so, Mercedes?” Sylvain ran his fingers through his hair with a forced grin. “Frankly, I think it’s just a stroke of luck that the Professor is here.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that she was here sooner?” Ingrid parted from Byleth’s bosom. She glanced over her shoulder and shot dagger-like glares. “I would’ve hurried from the battlefield!”

“I hope you understand that it took several weeks for the messenger to deliver the news to you.”

She blinked. Soon enough, the knight released her hold on the seated ex-mercenary and approached the red-hair. Byleth merely blinked as Mercedes clasped her hands once more for another prayer. The white magus began to whisper under her breath the instant Ingrid jabbed her finger on Sylvain’s chest plate.

“Several weeks? Um, it should’ve been several days, Sylvain. You expect me to believe that?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You were so busy flirting with her, weren’t you?”

“I wasn’t flirting with her! That was a guy, FYI.”

“Huh… Didn’t know you swing both directions… Can’t say that I’m surprised.”

“Ingrid!”

Their arguments escalated to a degree, but it appears that they swerved off course. Both ex-Blue Lion House members hands flailed as their banter continues. To summarize the extent of their on-going quarrel, it was like watching chipmunks go at it.

Byleth had to stifle a chuffed chuckle as she got up on her two feet. Physically, they have changed. The two females had chopped off their hair. One became a sturdy warrior. One became a combat medic. Yet mentally and spiritually, they remain true to their core. It was like a snapshot of the golden days from the Officers Academy. Someone had simply aged up the students by five years.

The professor’s chest ached, and she shifted her weight.

‘ I have to remember Sothis’s words. ’

This was not her world. She has no right to meddle in it. No matter how many times she had been dragged over to this realm, she must not be attached to any of these students. These students are not her students. Still… She looked over at the holy maiden. Mercedes, who had completed her small chants, felt a sharp gaze bear upon her fragile figure. The student, who was and is older than Byleth by one year, reciprocated the attention with a giggle.

Byleth curled her fingers inward, nails digging into the palm of her hand. How could she distance herself from them? They were not figments of her imagination. Everyone around her was so human. They were her students, yet they were not. They were just like Edelgard.

“Professor? How are you feeling?” She recognized the timbre of a mother in Mercedes’s voice. The magus closed their proximity until they were standing side-by-side. Although their hues occasionally swipe to the comical interactions between the two close childhood friends, their words paid utmost care to each other’s responses and well-beings. “You seem tired.”

“That isn’t the first I’ve heard from today.”

“I see…” After a period of silence, Mercedes continued. “It’s important to watch over yourself. It would be worrisome if you were to collapse.”

“I’ll try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough.”

“Okay, I will.”

The older female puffed her cheeks. However, she pushed the topic no further. Hopefully, the professor would adhere to her advice. As for the teacher, she decided to talk about another matter.

“Ingrid mentioned that you were both out on the battlefield.”

“Ah, yes. We had to scout in the Leicester Alliance for information during the past few months.”

“That explains why I didn’t see you and Ingrid when I first arrived.”

“I wish we could’ve come sooner… Though it was fortunate that we didn’t run into any enemies on the way back.”

“I see.” She briefly paused. “Mercedes, what happened these past five years?”

“Didn’t Lady Edelgard tell you everything?”

“Yes, but I wish to hear from you all,” Byleth reached out to grab the female’s hands. “I can’t imagine how much stress you’re all undergoing.”

“Professor…”

Mercedes’s exhaled, albeit with a slight tremble.

Despite the blank characteristics that adorn the ex-mercenary, Byleth has always taken steps for her students. For the maiden, it was a little odd as she is older than the woman. Hark, she even scolds Byleth! She should be the one to take initiative as a guardian to those younger than her. Yet that never occurred when it came to Byleth. Mercedes would wither into a fetal position at the comfort of the young woman’s presence. Not even Annette, her best friend, could put her at ease… No, it wasn’t that. It was because the only person she finds solace in is the person she was willing to betray her entire nation and friends... That included Annette.

She moistened her lower lip and dryly swallowed.

Where would she even begin? Being stressed is a euphemism. Another exhale. Edelgard wasn’t the only one suffering in this conflict… A gentle squeeze brought her back to the present. Banters and bickers steadily thumped upon her eardrums as she blinked rapidly. Mercedes slanted her now-sunken eyes and forced the corner of her lips to tug upward.

Ever since the Church of Seiros was overthrown at the monastery, Mercedes, Ingrid, Sylvain, Leonie, and Lysithea regrouped with Edelgard and the remainders of the Black Eagle Strike Squad. Betrayal of their house leaders and nations resonated deeply to their cores. Ferocious resentment and outrage blew up on their ends; Dimitri threatened to eliminate the traitors, Claude simply accepted his fate of losing the two girls. Both house leaders were disappointed in their decisions. The reaction they received wounded them deeper than any battle injuries.

Yet they continued onward valiantly. Mutual trust spurred as the five continued to march forward hand-in-hand. They had each other. They were the only one who truly understood the anguish of betraying those they love for their beliefs.

Frankly, they do not have much in common with the new emperor’s beliefs. Sylvain and Lysithea strongly believed in the permanent removal of the Crests. They were the closest to Edelgard. Leonie promised to protect Byleth at all cost after a promise with Jeralt. She wished to become a protector for Byleth. Ingrid and Mercedes were mostly aligned with Byleth. They trusted in Byleth more so than Edelgard. Overall, what they all possess was a slimmer of hope for the one star they followed under: Byleth.

“After we were told you died, I wasn’t sure how to react.”

Grief and regret gnawed at their very soul. The star they had tailed after disappeared without a trace. Questions began to bubble deep within their chest. Unlike the Black Eagles, the five were outsiders. The only connection they’ve ever had with the Adrestian Empire’s warriors was from the tactician. Otherwise, they would never spare a glance at them. Their hands were becoming clammy as they fretted and tiptoed around their irreversible decision.

“Was it right for us to remain by Lady Edelgard’s side? We’ve thought long and hard about it together.” Mercedes began to loosen her grip on Byleth’s hands. “In the end, we decided to stay here.”

“Why?”

Strength trickled back into her fingers as she tightened her hold.

“We believed you would return to us.”

Byleth nearly bit her own tongue. Though she may lack many crucial social etiquettes, the professor is no fool… even if silence isn’t the correct answer either.

Turns out, the five’s patience paid off. The professor they’ve come to love and respect has made her comeback!

Hallelujah! It was time to rejoice!

But the time before her arrival? It was complete Hell; dark red and black discolored their flimsy visual lens.

Though Lysithea recovered from her grief and picked herself up in a matter of days, the others were not so quick. Ingrid had holed herself in the bedroom for almost a full month. Quiet sobs echoed throughout the silent nights. Sylvain began to waver between Edelgard’s mission and Dimitri’s purpose for the war. Without the teacher, his sight muddled. Leonie constantly visited Jeralt’s grave and begged for forgiveness. How could she live up to his expectations if she couldn’t even protect his child? Mercedes frequented the chapel. Day and night, she offered prayers for the eventual return of the ex-mercenary. Oh, may the goddess please grant her blessings to the unfortunate lost soul that is called their professor!

Time marched forward without pause; time and tide wait for no man. One year clocked in… two years… three… four… then five years. The glimmer of hope the five scoured desperately for was beginning to dim. Alas, the five years did not crawl by with complete inaction; Edelgard and Hubert put them to work for the empire.

Leonie, Sylvain, and Lysithea were in charge of maintaining order here at the disheveled academy. The three would stand guard, switch shifts with patrol officers, and investigate any abnormalities or suspicious activities. Many eyes were required to uphold the recently seized area. Losing it would spell a great disaster for the Adrestian Empire’s future operations.

As for Mercedes and Ingrid, they were in charge of scouting the Leicester Alliance. Although there were plans to tackle small parts of the Kingdom of Faerghus, the political climate made it impossible to execute them. The best course of action was to sniff out plots from the divided domain. Edelgard and Hubert had also decided that their skills were best suited for gathering intel. Ingrid and her pegasus could travel high above the ground and cover great lengths; Mercedes is a priest who could heal and provide necessary therapies for the battalions.

Besides, it could be seen from a mile away that Ingrid needed some time away from the monastery.

“I knew Lady Edelgard took it hard when she lost you, but the same could be said for Ingrid.”

“?”

“She took it the hardest right after Lady Edelgard. Unlike the emperor, she became mute and refuse to speak to anyone other than to us four.”

“...”

A glance was shot at the knight. Ingrid was still up and at it with Sylvain. She had pulled on his cheeks as the red-hair tried to escape from her iron clutch. Tears flowed down his cheeks in an exaggerated fashion with every stretch of his skin. Their childish nature nearly cast trickery to distract most bystanders into a pleasant illusion of a peaceful today.

Is there a reason as to why Ingrid would feel so crushed? Byleth opened her mouth, only to be cut off by Mercedes.

“Perhaps it is best that Ingrid had Sylvain with her. If it weren’t for him, I’m sure she would have starved to death in the room… Not saying that you aren’t a part of her recovery. We’re thankful that you came back.”

“What about you?” Byleth shifted attention to the priestess. “How are you feeling?”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“...”

Now it was Mercedes turn to become speechless. She parted her lips… but felt inaudible, airy words pass through her trachea. She tried again. The words were now caught in her throat. In turn, she clamped her mouth shut.

How kind of Byleth… The holy maiden was always so busy caring for others, she had forgotten about herself. Mercedes demeanor made it near impossible to determine how she truly felt. No one came to her aid. Not even Lysithea, Leonie, Sylvain, and Ingrid. If they ever attempted, like Sylvain, they incorrectly concluded about her inner turmoil. This pushed her raging, emotional storm further to the backburner.

No one would understand her. Why should she try to make them understand her?

Her internal strife intensified after the following events. The loss of Byleth was one matter. She could vividly recall the goosebumps that spread throughout her exposed skin. Mercedes felt the wind knocked out of her system by an invisible punch from the tragic news. Betraying her nation was also another matter. Dimitri must be so furious by now. He had always valued loyalty and goodness in people. The fact that Mercedes must turn her back towards him and their nation created a ripple to her adopted homeland. What weighed the heaviest was the fact she turned her back towards Annette.

Annette… Annie… Her Annie.

She would have to face her soon.

Does… it mean that she has to kill Annie?

Can’t she avoid it?

No, war is not as kind as she would expect.

Can she still pray for a miracle though?

Her knuckles became as white as a sheet.

“...I’m okay.”

The tiny whisper was so quiet, Byleth nearly missed it.

“Are you sure?”

Mercedes nodded. Was she truly okay? Not really. She wished to pound her fists on the pillow and scream into it. The wailing of Annette’s name swelled within her chest too. Each passing second enhanced its effect. It would be better if she could hop on a pegasus or horse and escape into the wilderness. Somewhere far away from conflict… Just like Marianne when she disappeared with her horse since the siege of Garreg Mach, only to never return.

However, the fact that her professor, in which she had not seen in five years, took the time to worry about her well-being tampered the tempting raw offer. How selfish of Mercedes! As someone older by one year, she has a job of looking over her juniors! She even promised herself to take care of Byleth!

Still, there’s nothing wrong with falling into her teacher’s outreach arms, right...? She yearns to have someone take care of her… and it turns out that this teal-haired female fits the role perfectly.

“Thank you for coming back to us, Professor.” Their physical connection broke apart. Mercedes genuinely smiled as she slanted her eyes. “You mean so much for all of us.”

Was she really that important to their lives? Byleth’s cheeks shone a tinge of pink. Despite her disconnection with this realm, the fact that she was held up with great esteem was difficult to brush aside. These students needed her… Without the shepherd, they were nothing more than lost lambs, awaiting for their demise by the wolves’ fangs and claws.

In turn, she smiled at them. It was rare for Byleth to smile. This caused the heated debate between Sylvain and Ingrid to die down once they peeked at her direction. Whenever she smiled, it only meant positive news were to follow. Three of the Blue Lion’s House members gave their undivided attention to the professor as she motioned to them.

“I’m happy to be here for you all.”

Sylvain, Ingrid, and Mercedes simultaneously placed a hand on their chest, their eyes nearly boggled out the sockets. Those honest words nearly ceased the three’s heart functions! A light discoloration tickled Sylvain and Mercede’s cheeks. As for Ingrid, a deep shade of crimson washed over the entirety of her face. This feature did not escape their eyes, especially from someone like Sylvain. He smirked and tapped his elbow to Mercedes.

“Looks like someone’s got the hots for the teacher…”

“@#*%$!”

Incoherent sounds spouted out of Ingrid’s mouth without warning. Still as red as a beet, the short-haired tried to slug him on the shoulder. Not that it stopped him from the teasing. He simply guarded his precious man-shoulders and heartfully laughed. Both Mercedes and him eventually ushered Ingrid to have a private moment with Byleth.

“Don’t do anything naughty, okay?”

“SYLVAIN!”

“I’m sure the goddess would forgive you if such sins were to be committed.”

“MERCEDES, NOT YOU TOO!”

Ludicrously, the knight regained control of her shaky limbs and shooed them out of the greenhouse. Watching the three act immature brought another wave of nostalgia. No… nostalgia didn’t fit the bill. Her true world possess all of her students when they were young; their personalities were retained. This world simply hit the fast-forward button, yet she was not present during the time-skip. In spite of that, Byleth stared in awe at their energetic selves.

It was as if the war never occurred.

It was as if they were back to their ordinary lives.

It was a crafty illusion that clouded their senses like a quick high.

Sylvain and Mercedes understood that their banters should come to closure for now. (They could always catch up with Ingrid later… and probably catch up on the juicy gossip.) The professor waved farewell to the duo as the knight puffed fumed. Byleth and Ingrid were left to their own device soon afterward.

“...”

Utter silence hung in the air. It did not help that there was a thick atmosphere that weighed down on their shoulders, undeterred by the group’s earlier optimism. When Byleth extended her hand out, Ingrid immediately took ahold of it. She enveloped them in her grip and placed them onto her own rosy cheek. Heat seeped into the female’s face as Byleth tilted her head from the development.

“I really miss you so much, Professor,” the blonde nestled into the tactician’s rough palm. “I thought I would never see you ever again.”

“Ingrid…”

“I know staying depressed won’t help me. Actually, it would only make matters worse. That’s what happened with my fiance’s death… But ever since Lady Edelgard reported on your death, I could not find myself to roll out of bed. It was as if I’m reliving it all over again.”

She inched closer till the tip of their nose bumped each other. Afterward, Ingrid promptly landed on the side of her face into Byleth’s shoulder. The plop nearly startled the professor, her shoulders instinctively hitched. Nevertheless, Byleth recomposed. Arms that were wide open encircled the knight in due time.

Not a single word was exchanged between the two. Just two women embracing each other into a hug. It was a tender reunion that might even rival Edelgard’s! Ingrid exhales tickled Byleth’s exposed neck.

“Professor?”

“Hm?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

Ingrid deeply breathed. She parted from the teal-haired’s comfort. Lower lip moistened, the pegasus rider gulped.

“I…”

“...”

“I… Wow, this is… harder than I thought.”

“Ingrid,” Byleth captured the rider’s hands and smoothed the back of it with her thumbs. “Do not be afraid. I will always be here for you.”

“R-Right…”

She began a small breathing exercise. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in… breathe out. Ingrid moistened the bottom pink flesh once more.

“I…”

“My teacher, I have returned.”

Unfortunately, the private time they shared came to an abrupt closure as Edelgard arrived on premise. Their heads whipped towards the approaching emperor. Had the meeting been adjourned already? Or did the reunion spent more time than they had anticipated? Whatever it may be, lilac hues flickered over to the holding females. The vermillion royal raised an eyebrow at the peculiar sight. In addition, to Byleth’s confusion, her features had slightly darkened.

“Have I interrupted you both?”

“Ingrid was going to tell me something.”

“Oh, really?” Edelgard looked at the ex-Faerghus warrior. She sent a rather strong nod towards the blonde’s direction. “You may continue.”

“...I just wanted to say that I’m grateful for the Professor’s return.”

Elaboration was impossible at this point. The hand-holding connection severed by a gentle tug. Ingrid proceeded to place her hand on her metallic chest plate, face Edelgard, bowed to her highness, and promptly left the premise. This all occurred in less than ten seconds, and this entire process left Byleth baffled.

“Guess it’s just us two,” the professor pronounced. “I didn’t even have a chance to say anything to Ingrid.”

Edelgard placed a hand on her hip. The darken features had eroded from her physical traits as she faintly smiled.

“Perhaps next time. Today may be too late, but tomorrow has yet to come.”

Edelgard is correct. There was always tomorrow. However, when taken into consideration of the raging war, the probability of surviving the next day drastically varies. Conflict naturally brings about pain and anguish. The victor solely winning from raw strength, tactical intelligence, and a sprinkle of luck. Anything could turn the tide of a single battle. The future is simply unpredictable.

‘ My students will be okay. I am here for them. ‘

Could this be false hope? She shook her head. Perhaps. Nevertheless, there was no use to possessing a pessimistic perspective. They were not only fighting for a cause under Edelgard von Hresvelg’s flag, but they were also fighting to survive. It’s that simple.

“!”

Byleth lurched forward.

“Professor!”

Had it not been for the petite axe-wielder, the ex-mercenary would have smacked her face flat on the pavement. The whole world was spinning round and round as if someone accelerated the planet. Byleth squinted her eyes, her fingers digging into Edelgard’s armored arms. Another dizzy spell had struck the unfortunate teacher. Although the abrupt effect rapidly diminished, the teal-haired struggled to right her posture with the introduction of a dull headache.

This is becoming more of a nuisance, and this is the first time her symptoms became evident to someone other than Sothis. What better way than to succumb before the ruler? The timing was impeccable!

Edelgard adjusted her hold, her eyes locked onto Byleth. “Do I need to bring you to the infirmary?”

“I’m fine, Edelgard,” the teacher loosened her strong grip. Navy hues rose to meet with the alumni’s lilac irises. “I’m just a little dizzy.”

“Are you sure? You don’t seem fine.”

“I’m sure.”

“Professor, I would rather you not push yourself too hard.”

“I said I’m fine.”

It was stern. Accompanied by a glare, no room was left for any counterbacks with her response. Though her smiles may be rare, her irritation is all the more rare. This caused the white-haired to open her eyes wide. When Byleth saw the wound she unintentionally inflicted upon Edelgard, the hunched professor hastily pulled the graduated student into a strong hug without hesitation. Whatever symptoms that had possessed her were shoved far back into the dusty parts of her skull.

“I’m sorry, Edelgard. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

Yes, the young lady was taken aback by the rough treatment. She had witnessed Byleth’s disapproval to other students and staff. Some battalion members were frozen on the spot when the female’s eyes narrowed to slits. The nickname “Ashen Demon” finally made perfect sense to the emperor. However, she had never been on the receiving end until now. What a surprise! But Edelgard is no fool. The female simply responded by briefly resting her face upon the woman’s shoulder. She understood where Byleth was coming from.

“That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it. Though this wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“?”

When they separated, the emperor crossed her arms and studied Byleth with a level gaze.

“I… I just didn’t expect you to exhibit these strange symptoms.”

It almost sounds as if Edelgard knew what had plagued Byleth. This train of thought slashed through her mind as if it were melted butter. The seed of doubt had finally planted into the soil. Sothis words echoed in the back of her mind as a reminder of this particular Edelgard.

“Keep an eye on her. I felt like she is hiding something from us. She knows something and she’s not telling everything.”

Unlike the youngster who has much to learn about the battlefield, this older version had seen plenty in the past five years. What made it even more uncertain was the gap between the apparent takeover of Garreg Mach Monastery and last month. Suspicion began to clear bits of the enigmatic fog. Could she have known something about Byleth that she doesn’t?

As if the vermillion woman had read her mind, she shook her head.

“Unfortunately, I do not know what caused them. If only Linhardt were here, I would ask him… Perhaps Professor Hanneman might help instead.”

“I see.”

Looks like the small doubt she had on the older Edelgard vanished in a blink of an eye, the fog making its return. Byleth cursed herself for thinking of the emperor in that fashion. The presumed death status that had been bestowed to the teal-haired was by none other than Edelgard. Despite the proclamation, this ex-Black Eagle’s house leader, who had grieved for five long arduous years, impatiently waits for Byleth’s return.

The older woman chewed her lip. Edelgard had been waiting for an event that might have never came. How could Byleth see her that way?! It was almost as if the first whiplash wasn’t enough!

‘ Perhaps my symptoms are getting the best of me… ’

An awkward silence hung in the air. Though the two are close, there is a sense of distance between the two partners. Beads of sweat few out of their heads as they attempt to remedy the oddity. Their jaw would lower, but clamp shut. Rinse and repeat... It was all for naught. None of them would dare break the growing tension. The taller woman shifted her gaze to the royal figure.

‘ She also came back from the meeting… ’ Her fingers became agitated. Byleth had barely stomped on the desire to slap her own forehead. ‘ I really messed up. ’

Edelgard might have been tired. The fact that the ex-mercenary reacted negatively might have applied another layer of stress to the poor girl. Byleth pinched the bridge of her nose.

‘ Think, Byleth, think! ’

“...”

Another examination was conducted upon the royal figure. She had just returned from a tactical meeting with the other Black Eagle Strike Squad members… Knowing Hanneman, he would have rambled enough to put them to sleep had it not been for the fierce warfare. Then, a light bulb went off.

“Come, Edelgard,” Byleth extended her hand out. “I think it’s time you relax for a bit.”

The statement threw Edelgard into a loop. She blinked. Thereafter, the white-haired shook her head.

“I think I’ve relaxed plenty enough with you, Professor.”

That is true to an extent. Many tea party sessions were hosted, many shared meals for lunch, and there was even the occasional walk around the monastery as they chatted about unimportant topics. Fresh breath of air, it seems! Edelgard cannot call to mind if she had ever experienced these events after her instructor had vanished. Not that it mattered anyway. She has Byleth here and now, even if she is a little different. So long as Byleth was by her side, her heart could be put to rest.

Not bothering to argue with the lord, the teal-haired took ahold of Edelgard’s armored hand. The vermillion noble widens her eyes as Byleth faintly smiled.

“Nothing wrong with taking another evening off, don’t you think? The war may still go on, but that doesn’t mean you should overwork yourself.”

Right on the nail. As someone who had just preached to her professor about overworking, it appears that she has much to learn about the valuable trait. Edelgard felt the temperature rise from her head as she dragged her sight elsewhere.

“Should we have another tea time then?”

Byleth shook her head.

“I think a hot bath would be better.”

“Must we?”

“Yes.”

Edelgard didn’t even have a chance to reciprocate with a reaction. The sword-wielder easily pulled her out of the greenhouse. If anything, this might also ease the adverse effects on her mental state… and Byleth is willing to do just about anything to get rid of it.

Before long, they found themselves inside of the famous bath and sauna structure. It might have been a bit early for a dip in the hot water. The sun was still high up in the sky, barely any clouds shielding the alumni and professor from its harsh rays. However, everyone in the monastery has to thank the architect for constructing a building dedicated to the sauna and baths.

Located on the second story of the open monastery, soldiers and alumni happily splurged in the bath. Not only are there two open baths for both sex, there are also private sauna rooms for those wishing to sweat their stress away. It was the perfect short-term getaway. Nothing beats cleansing one's regrets and sins too, even if it is a temporary alleviation. Fortunately for the two, the only person present was Shamir.

“Hm? Isn’t it too early for a bath?”

The dark-haired archer questioned as she prepped for a sauna session. Towel over her shoulders, the naked woman bearing various scars sharply stared at the two warriors. (Though her presence seems intimidating, the effect seems to have diminished since the time she betrayed the Knights of Seiros.) Edelgard was busy stripping her armor and clothes in the background as the still-clothed Byleth responded.

“It’s good for relaxing.”

“Don’t stay there too long then. I don’t want to be picking up after your mess.”

Shamir motioned a hand in the air before entering into one of the eight empty sauna rooms. Now that the Dagda woman disappeared from their sight, this prompted the two to quickly enter the female’s open bath.

Regardless of the numerous times they’ve visited this place, they were always in awe of the spacious room. Buckets, soap bars, and shampoo dispensers were neatly organized and placed as if they were living in royalty. (The staff in charge of tidying did an excellent job!) Steam lazily floated in their surroundings. Humidity didn’t hold its punches as it began to tickle their nose. At least sensory adaptation came to their rescue before a sneezing fit becomes reality.

When they dipped their body in the warm water, they both collectively sighed at the same time. Byleth sunk her figure until the surface leveled to her lower neck. She briefly closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

“I needed this.” This cleared up her headaches and could easily prevent her dizziness for the next couple hours or so. She could get used to this. A drowsy episode began to roll its tape as the teal-haired stifled a yawn. “This is making me sleepy though.”

“You must be tired, my teacher.”

The sunken woman turned towards Edelgard. Edelgard had barely leaned against the short ledge, barely sinking into the shallow water. Her eyes were gazing into the distant aimlessly. As she mindlessly rifted through the liquid, the emperor muttered,

“It would do you no good to fall asleep here.”

Byleth chuckled. “Perhaps you can keep me entertained until we finish up here.”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m always serious.”

Edelgard finally whipped her head around. When she spotted that cheeky grin on the instructor, the alumni felt a pulse throb from the corner of her head. This Byleth… Was she always this sly? It has been far too long since she can recount her personality. Five years is too big of a gap. Under normal circumstances, the white-haired might be able to retain it. War, especially that in a stalemate with three nations, did a number on her memories. She crossed her arms and pursed her lips.

“Sometimes, I can’t even tell if you are being serious or not.”

What a jab! The ex-mercenary could not help but flash another smile at her direction.

“I like to think I am.”

“Professor!”

Another jab! This time, it was in the form of a splash! Warm water dripped from her disheveled teal hair ends. The instructor wiped her wet face with a single motion of her hand. A smirk followed afterward. She raised her hand.

“I think a retaliation is in order.”

Splashes after splashes came about. Soft giggles and chuckles emitted from the two Crest users. Although stoic on the outside, Byleth is known to have a little fun with her students; the nickname “Ashen Demon” would eventually be erased in due time.

Alas, playtime must come to an end. There was another reason as to why they visited the bathhouse; they had to wash up and scrub any unwanted materials from their skin. The two eventually volunteered to wash each other’s back. Teasing remarks and stories of their endeavors were exchanged during the wash. After tenderly caring and pampering the older woman, it was Edelgard’s turn to be treated like a queen.

“Those scars…”

Unlike the jagged lines that were strewn on the older woman’s body, there were lumps representing the successful healing of deep lacerations. Sides, back, and small parts of her arms… These hardly looked to be from battle. If anything, the epidermis had recovered its fibrous tissue a little too well. Byleth’s brows furrowed as she fleetingly brushed her fingertips over the sensitive bumps. Edelgard shuddered; her wet clumps of her white locks slowly slipped onto her professor’s moving hand. Without looking back, she answered,

“Hm? Oh, yes, they were from the time I was young… Though I have spoken to you about this, haven’t I?”

‘ She did? ’

Byleth can’t seem to recall. Once again, just like the battle against Rhea, Catherine, and other members from the Church of Seiros, she was back to drawing blank cards. How many times must this happen? A faint palpitation pulsed from behind her eyes, forcing the female to shut down further thoughts on the matter. If anything, she could always discuss it with Sothis once she crosses over.

“...I must’ve forgotten.”

“I see…”

A tinge of disappointment tainted her words. Nevertheless, Edelgard began to recall the times of her childhood. Traumatic past that no person, let alone a child, should be a part of were spoken. Details far too fine for a sane person’s eardrums were uttered. Inconceivable death tolls and experimentations for the sake of a Crest boiled Byleth’s blood. By the time her tale came to an end, a strong embrace entailed. Edelgard’s pupils stammered in place as she tried to look over her shoulder.

“P-Professor?”

“...”

Byleth had to hug her. She didn’t know the reason behind it, but hearing the history of Edelgard von Hresvelg made her chest ache. It was a potent ache that threatens to split apart her bony plate. The teacher buried her face into the moist shoulder blade.

“...I’m sorry.”

It was an unnatural articulation. Byleth’s words rarely wavered when it comes to delivery. She remains firm and full of conviction with each spoken dialogue. Today, at this moment, the older woman faintly croaked her apology.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?”

“For your past life.” So much had been explained regarding the two Edelgards. It was no wonder why they refused to opt for a casual summer wear out in public. Even if an unbearable heat threatens to bestow a heat stroke, the females rejected the proposal for a simple attire. She tightened her hold on the girl, almost as if she would disappear any second now. “I would do anything to trade places with you.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but perhaps it is for the best that you did not endure what I have gone through,” Edelgard raised her scarred arm and placed a hand on top of Byleth’s head from behind. It looks as though the role has been reversed, the young female soothing the older. “The last thing I would want is to see my teacher suffer.”

Misery was her middle name, and she wouldn’t dare transfer it over to anyone, especially to her Byleth.

The tender, still moment had stretched for some time before Edelgard began to complain about the heat. This immediately prompted the professor to remove herself from her alumni.

Bath time was finally over. Still, the day was not over. By the time they dried their hair and body, were dressed in their attire, engaged in more banters, spoken to the staff in charge of the building, and reentered the outside world, the sun had settled to sunset. (Shamir had been long gone, which says something.)

Normally, Edelgard would have returned to her duty. As an emperor, spare time was scarce. Byleth wouldn’t allow that. This was a forced day-off from her professor, and the young axe-wielder understood her professor’s intention. Opposing Byleth would be equivalent to opposing an unbreakable wall. She’s certain that everyone, especially Ferdinand, must understand if they were to interrogate of her sudden absence. Besides, there was always room for Edelgard’s favorite activity: tea. She would never miss this when it came to the tactician.

They hosted the private party inside of Edelgard’s chamber in the second-floor dormitory. Tactical concepts and talk about the future often pops up in their conversation. Though Byleth knew that this was not her world, she could not help but be drawn in by the chosen topics. If she were to stay here with Lady Edelgard… the Edelgard that became an emperor, what would their future look like?

“I hope we can stay by each other’s side just like old times, my teacher.”

Like old times… Byleth could not help but slowly nod in response. As the moon eventually traded spot with the sun, so does the sleepy nature trade place with Byleth’s awakened status.

“I think it’s time I go.”

Byleth stretched her arms high up in the air. She now stood by the opened doorway, her yawns becoming a regular customer to her body. Though not much rest might be gained, the least she could do is hop back to her real world. Plenty of discussions must be held with the green-haired too; there was so much ground to cover.

Arms lowered back down to her sides, the professor’s eyes crinkled. She turned her back towards the vermillion royalty.

“Good-night, Edelgard. I will see you tomorrow—”

She felt a tug on her sleeve. One could easily mistaken that to be a child’s action. Unfortunately, it appears that the “child” in question is none other than Edelgard von Hresvelg. Those white gloves she casually wears pinched the dark overcoat and pulled her back. When Byleth glanced over her shoulder, she felt her brows rise. The young lady had a tiny bit of pink tinge fallen upon her cheeks. Head lowered, the white-haired mumbled,

“Could you… stay with me for tonight?”

“Is there something I need to do?”

“No, I… um… I sort of… have these nightmares…”

Nightmares… That’s right. Even back in her world, the younger Edelgard suffered from nightmares. Byleth’s thumbnail began to draw faint lines on her index tip. Unfortunately, the teacher was unable to eliminate the dreams that haunt the poor child. So, how could she say no to that request? It was also rare for a student to ask for a sleepover. The last time she had any, it was with Lysithea back in her world. That hardly counted as a stay as Byleth slept on the creaking chair, overwatching the sickly young girl.

Lilac eyes that yearn for comfort gripped her heart.

Byleth puffed carbon dioxide. She turned around and silently nodded. As if a script was played out, the older female soon found herself on the same mattress as the emperor.

She was not one to be undressed completely, but Edelgard finds comfort in sleeping without her clothes on. A blanket was draped over their bodies; a blessing that the professor did not have to unintentionally ogle at those peaks! She swallowed as her back rest on the cushion. Byleth made sure her navy hues were fixated on the decorated ceiling. Any distraction would be beneficial in this case, especially with regard to the abnormal temperature level flaring her cheeks.

Byleth could feel the heat radiating from her body warming her up underneath the covers. Despite the awkwardness with the emperor sleeping naked next to her, in which she never thought such a day like this would even occur, she finds Edelgard’s body heat rather comforting in a mysterious way. She expected that she would feel more awkward than this.

Edelgard shifted underneath the cover. From the corner of Byleth’s eyes, she spotted a dark piece of clothing peeks out from under the cover. Her curiosity was stroked. She turned to watch the white-haired student.

“You’re hugging a shirt?”

“...you could say that.”

The older female glanced over at the chair opposite of the closest wall. Her overcoat hung over the wooden furniture. Then, she reverted her attention to the ex-house leader. The Adrestian Empire’s noble brought the black piece of clothing close to her chest. (Again, Byleth is thankful for it hiding her fine breasts.) She looks like a small girl despite her age. A small, fragile girl twisted by the cruelty of fate… and right now, Edelgard looks as though she’s giddy about an upcoming field trip. The candlelights from the chandeliers barely shone those pink discolorations on the noble’s cheeks; the shadows flickered in time with the flames.

‘ Cute. ’

She wasn’t sure what took over her. It was as if Byleth’s body moved according to her instincts. She quietly turned over to face towards Edelgard. The emperor slowly looked up and made that peaceful eye contact with Byleth’s teal hues before looking away with reddened cheeks.

“Am I being too close?”

“...No, I… I prefer it like this, actually.”

She was being honest to Byleth, at least. The professor brought up her hand to tuck her bangs behind her ears before gently caressing her smooth cheeks.

This Edelgard before her... something about her was drawing Byleth towards her. She truly reminded Byleth of her radiant youthful Edelgard. Byleth wondered if she pushing too much and being too intimate with the emperor. She could imagine that Sothis would give her an earful lecture later. But she could face the consequences later. Right now, she gave Edelgard her full, undivided attention.

“I’ll chase all of those nightmares away.”

“You promise?”

“I will be here for you. Think of me in your dreams.”

“It sounds like you’re promoting yourself as a good luck charm.”

“I might be.”

Then, the emperor smiled.

That radiant glow from Edelgard…

That big grin from Edelgard…

Those words dripping with nectar from Edelgard…

She snuggled in closer towards Byleth’s chest and the professor’s hand unconsciously rubbed her arm to comfort the sleeping emperor, chasing away the nightmares. She fell asleep before Byleth could be as the professor was too busy evaluating the situation. The smile of the emperor engraved right into her very mind - that was the same radiant glow young Edelgard has. However, something was certainly off about it… something about that smile disturbed her.

‘ She’s smiling… but I feel like she’s smiling at someone else. ’

Hiyaaa!! Can you answer questions 11 and 25 please ? I’m curious haha !! 🥰

Hi love! I’m so sorry it took me so long to get to this, but this is proving a good distraction at a time like this, so here I go. :)11. How do you structure your plot?I’m really big on relationship building, so I tend to structure my plot around parts of a relationship I want formed or highlighted. I like showing people pivotal moments where characters connect, and so my plot points are based on those kinds of Moments ™. :)My scenes are always titled like ‘Introduction of H/L’, ‘Introduction of Harry and Niall Friendship’, ‘Development of Liam and Zayn’, ‘Decline of Harry and Louis’ so I remember what the end goal of each scene is. :)25. What authors and books have inspired you to write your work?I genuinely have not read an entire book since I discovered fic (that’s going on four years now), so instead I’ll name just a handful of fic authors that inspire me. :)I began to write fic when I read Zarah and Dolce_piccante’s works. I was so enthralled by the characters they created than I couldn’t help but want to do that myself.Then I dived head first into fic and found:@a-writerwrites - her brilliant description, characterization, fleshing out of plot and storytelling was just so overwhelmingly good I literally could not hold myself together, I attacked her with love;@freetheankles - has such a unique take on storytelling. Her plots are intricate, her characters are full, she puts her entire soul into each of her fics. She was the first person who taught me to take my time because people will wait with bated breath for awesome writing (because they have, for her);@metal-eye - their perspective is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, they can rip your heart out and leave you bleeding and begging for more in 500 words flat, their prose is magnificent;@briannamarguerite - could and will bang out a masterpiece with her eyes closed, end of story. She makes writing seem effortless, I cannot keep up;@helloamhere - what. a. mind. Seriously. Amazing, amazing, amazing imagination and world building and and even more brilliant execution and just… Jesus. I’ve actually written 2 WIPs inspired by her work, I am floored by her;@haloeverlasting - one of the most diverse writers I’ve ever met. Want to meet someone who can execute every single trope, it’s Brit. Fluff, Angst, Comedy, you name it, she can do it, and she can do it well;@iamasphodelknox - Queen of Romance. I have never loved Harry and Louis together more than when she writes them. Every single fic she writes might as well be a soulmate AU because she writes their connection like it’s the only thing that makes sense;@suddenclarityharry - you fall in love with every version of her characters, each of them quirky, perfectly funny, and absolutely irresistible (much like Tabby herself);@theficwritersblock - she can write a feel good fic like no one’s business, her fics leave me in stitches and just have such a sweet twist to them at the end you’re basically hearteyes-ing all over the floor. I also love her humor, she gets me 1 million percent;@always-aqua - the pain. Jesus. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. Her scenes are always packed to the brim with emotions in the best way, my heart is like perpetually in my throat when I read her stuff;@mediawhorefics - I mean… how shall I describe thy brilliance? Let me count the ways. Whenever I read their work, I’m instantly transported – three words and I’m at a lighthouse on the farthest coast of a Scottish town. This is the writer I dream of being;There are so many many many more, but also, one of my greatest inspirations to write is @twopoppies. I don’t know where to begin. Her art is so beautiful I could write a million fics (and nearly have) from a single image alone. Like, she gifted me with a drawing for Marcel fic that I literally look at every time I need to be inspired. Her art makes my prose better because I aim to write how she would see it, would draw it, and so every detail has to be perfect because I want to make her to want to make art for me. Everything she’s drawn for me is tucked away and kind of the life force of my fics. It sounds exaggerated, but it’s not. So, there you go! Sorry for this novella, love, but I hope you enjoy reading my answers anyway. :)WIP writing ask - it’s really helping right now.

Kingdom of Ash Review/Discussion

It only took me a solid month, but it’s here. II was so all over the place with everything that anything earlier than that would have been completely incoherent. I finally managed to get all of my thoughts down in writing. Spoilers for the whole entire book ahead, you have been warned!

I guess I should start this review off by stating just how much this series means to me. I debated even putting anything like this in here because I feel like it’s almost obligatory and super cliche and basic. Regardless, it really is true. Without boring you all and going into too much detail, I found this series at a time when I was really struggling to find courage over a big hurdle I was trying to take in my life. At the time, only the first three were out. I fell in love with Throne of Glass and Crown of Midnight sent me to the depths of emotional roller coaster hell and ripped my heart out before stomping it into a million pieces. Heir of Fire was a turning point for me, a reading experience I will never forget because of how special it was. I remember struggling to get through that book like I haven’t with any other. Everything was misery and darkness, and I actually debated looking up spoilers to see if it was worth continuing (which I never NEVER do). The pay off for actually finishing it though, was rewarding like no other had been. Heir of Fire seems to be really special for the entire fandom, so I’m sure I really don’t need to explain. The journey Aelin goes through, the person she comes out as at the end, her courage and light and optimism were awe-inspiring to say the least, and spoke to me at time when I needed it. That book made me take a look at the way I reacted to things in my own life and make the deliberate choice to face them in a new way. It made the whole world seem better and brighter and I still think of it to this day and remember that feeling of reading it for the first time.

Fast forward to the release of this book. In a strange twist of fate, I find myself once again struggling with very similar feelings over something different. The odds this time seemed insurmountable, like I wouldn't be able to overcome it, no matter what. And in the midst of all of this, this series comes back into my life. I do not think it was coincidence that this last book was released when it was. When I was faced with these two giant obstacles in my life, these books were brought into it to help me overcome them. Other than reading the others in the series when they were released, I had not truly delved back into this world since my initial read of the series. I made the decision to start with The Assassin’s Blade and re-read the entire series (including Tower of Dawn, because I still hadn’t read it yet) leading up to Kingdom of Ash’s release. I do not think it was coincidence that that this series was brought back into my life when I was going through something so similar. I’m still dealing with things on a day-to-day basis but the message and the characters from this story have helped me tremendously. They mean so much to me and I will always be grateful that they were brought into my life. They will always be books that have an extremely special place in my heart.

Now, some of you reading this might be slightly confused, because just because all of this up there ^^^ is true, that does not mean I have not had my issues and complaints about this series up to this point! It feels so funny to wax poetic about these books and then talk about the things I didn’t like about them. They are not perfect and not without flaws, but that still doesn’t erase what they meant to me and how they helped me.

Some of the issues I had with the series were ones that others probably had and some were not. I never cared about the “all white/all cis” things. I am ALL for diversity in books, but I am also all for letting authors write what they want to write. If someone has a story in their mind, they should be able to tell it the way they envision it. Encouraging someone to think beyond what their normal horizon was and think critically about things like this is PERFECTLY fine. But a lot of what I saw is, “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are white”. “Sarah’s a horrible author because all her characters are straight”. I don’t agree with that and don’t think it’s fair. I’m sure a lot of people probably have counterarguments to that but I just think we should let authors write what they want to write. There are plenty of authors out there that write about things I don’t like--so I simply choose not to read them. I don’t rage and demand that this author change their ways to meet my needs. I just find someone who does! Basically, trying to force authors into a mold takes away the genuineness of their work, in my opinion, no matter what you’re trying to force them in TO.

The issues I had stemmed from the fact that Sarah couldn’t seem to make up her mind on what story she wanted to tell. Did she want to tell the story of an assassin that fell in love with a prince that she inspired to stand up to his father? An assassin who fell in love with a closed off and reserved captain of the guard who finally took a stance for her? A fae prince? Every time I thought I had the direction the story was going figured out, she’d flip everything on it’s head and it was frustrating to me. I didn’t enjoy it in the way most people like plot twists and stories that aren’t predictable and keep them guessing. I also didn’t like the way certain characters could be held on a pedestal in one book and basically Aelin (and Feyre, but that’s a rant for another time)’s favorite person and then in the next one, once we had moved on to something else, all these personality flaws that had never been an issue in the past were put front and center, making them pale in comparison to whoever she was on to now. I’m sure you’ve heard this argument before too--that Sarah tries to force us into liking the new love interest. There’s no way I can say I don’t think this happens with her books. I’ve got too much evidence built up against it. I’ve made my peace with it now, however, and given the way everything turned out in this book, I can confidently say that everything was for the best. I’ll never really like this about SJM’s work, but it’s not anything Earth shattering anymore. . .at least I know to expect it! ;)

God, to even try and think about reviewing this whole book is overwhelming and exhausting. It is so MASSIVE that I feel like I can’t possibly remember every single thing that happened. When I got it for the first time and saw it’s size, I thought the publishing companies must have heard our cries about how much we hate the Bible-thin pages, and finally printed on regular ones. But then, upon closer examination, I realized it actually DID have those Bible pages, but STILL was the size it was.

I very foolishly and naively thought I could finish this thing in a few days, by the weekend after the day it came out. LOL @ ME. This book was so long it took me about a week and a half to get through it, even reading at full steam for most of the days. In some ways I liked this and in some I didn’t. I liked that I got to spend more time with it and not devour the entire thing and be done with it in just a few days. On the other hand, though. . .SO much happened that as time went on, I started to almost feel disconnected with the things I had read the first couple days. I’m so used to plowing through a book in a day or two that it was weird to think of things I had read a week ago--it felt like an entire lifetime ago. However, in hindsight, maybe that was a good thing. The emotions that were packed into this book. . .I’m speechless, man. This was, by far, one of the most emotional books I have ever read in my entire life. The emotions of all the character LEAPT off the page, and made you feel them right along with them. Sarah upped her game in this one. She is such a brilliant writer that she was able to make you feel all the pain, fear, sadness, hope, and joy that all of these people were feeling. You really really felt the scope of what we were going through--the struggle felt extremely real and everything was so emotionally poignant it left me reeling. It was an INTENSE experience.

I guess the only way I can even begin to tackle this is to take it character by character--or I guess I should really say storyline by storyline (which also kind of translates into couple by couple, amirite?!)

I’m gonna kick this off with Aedion and Lysandra, and their whole defending Terrasen storyline. First of all, HOLY $%*&. Those Terrasen battle scenes were STRESSFUL AF. I have no idea how they all hung on as long as they did. Every single chapter of theirs, I would be like “This is it. This has to be it. They have sunk as low as they can go, have exhausted every single resource, they are only holding on by the barest little scrap of luck. THEY CAN NOT DO THIS ANY LONGER”. And every flipping time, they did. Even with all those allies from Wendlyn, Ansel, the Silent Assassins, and Rolfe and his pirates. . .things just kept going from bad to worse. It was not fun to read about. Another thing that made it not fun to read about was because I was basically mad as hell at Aedion the whole time.

When we left them in Empire of Storms, he had said some pretty awful things to Lysandra. Now. . .I’m not saying that where his feelings were coming from were wrong. I get it, I do. His entire life has been about defending Terrasen for Aelin, finding Aelin, restoring Aelin to her throne. He wants that Blood Oath like he wants nothing else. She is his only family left (or so he thought) and is extremely important to him. He feels guilt over all that she went through and wants to keep her from suffering any further. So when something seriously bad happens to her, he goes a little berserk. I also understand that in moments of shock, grief, and pain, people say things that they don’t mean. Aedion was CLEARLY in shock, and experiencing some grief and pain. I could most likely forgive him pretty easily for his remarks at the end of EoS. . .calling Lysandra a lying bitch. Not nice, and he owes her a big apology, but like I said. . .he was in shock and deserves a little grace.

I expected stoney, tense, cold-shoulder silence between the two of them in here. I figured he’d regret what he said almost immediately but still be too upset and confused to do anything about it, and there would be more awkwardness than anything else. What I did NOT expect was for what he said to her in EoS to seem like mild name-calling in comparison to the things he said in here.

“He wants us to move the army back to him, and then to Orynth,” Aedion said, making to continue to Kyllian’s tent. “Immediately.”

She stepped in his path. “I can go, tell him this army needs to rest.”

“Is this some attempt to reenter my good graces?”

Her emerald eyes went as cold as the winter night around them. “I don’t give a damn about your good graces. I care about this army being worn down with unnecessary movements”.

She shrewdly looked him over. As if weighing the man within. “It was real, Aedion,” she said. “All of it. I don’t care if you believe me or not. But it was real for me.”

He couldn’t bare to hear it. “I have a meeting,” he lied, and stepped around her. “Go slither off somewhere else.”

Lysandra opened her eyes, peering up at him. At the rage on his face, the hatred.

She managed to stand, her body bleating in pain. Managed to look him in the eye, even as Aedion said again with quiet cold, “Get out.”

Barefoot in the snow, naked beneath her cloak. Aedion glanced at her bare legs, as if realizing it. As if not caring.

So Lysandra nodded, clutching Ansel’s cloak tighter, and strode into the frigid night.

Like yo Aedion, do you have a fucking Valg in you?????????? Seriously, what the fuck dude!!!! In what universe is saying or doing ANY of this okay??? Like I said, people say things they don’t mean when they’re shocked and in pain. Yeah, I understand he’s still going through a lot (and I do mean A LOT) but that is absolutely no excuse for the way he acted towards her. His continued treatment of her like garbage is terrible and it made me feel not so friendly towards him. It blew my mind that he was so upset over Aelin that he couldn’t see the selflessness in Lysandra’s decision. This girl has already been through SO MUCH (like honestly, this entire series is just full of characters who have the most traumatic backstories ever, I s2g), has been horrifically used and abused her entire life. She finally finds meaning and purpose in her life, finds freedom and the chance to make her own decisions. And she is willing to essentially give ALL of this up, sacrifice her freedom and control over her life that means EVERYTHING to her, for her friend. The first real friend she’s probably ever had in her life. Lysandra preparing to “be” Aelin for the rest of her life means she’ll have a huge target on her back from countless different people. She’ll be expected to give so much, when she has never been prepared for this sort of life at all. She’ll be expected to inspire, to lead, to rule, when all she wants is to have her own life. She’ll never be able to have her own children, never be able to follow her own dreams. She essentially signed her life away as much as Aelin did. She did all this FOR Aelin, FOR Terrasen, FOR the people, so they might not lose hope, and see their queen take her throne. And all Aedion sees is that she lied to him and was a compliance in Aelin being taken off to be tortured.

Aedion, you think Lysandra doesn’t love Aelin too??? You think it wasn’t just as hard for her to hear what Aelin planned to do, and to go along with it in order to try and help her friend in the best way she could???? And now she has to deal with your salty bitter ass, flinging insults and treating her like she’s worthless. She is giving SO MUCH to this war, she’s exhausting herself fighting on the front lines, using so much of her shape-shifting power, when it would be so easy for her to just walk away from all of this. And you threw her out, NAKED, into the snow. GOD DAMN, SON.

(The one thing I WILL give him is that their plan definitely wasn’t fullproof. I also found myself wondering what would happen if/when “Aelin” needed to display her powers or use them to help people. Someone would notice eventually that she doesn’t have any magic. If she was thinking long term enough for Lysandra to have “Aelin’s” children, how could they not have thought of this? They would have had to stage some story/lie about how she lost her powers eventually.)

Sorry, I just really needed to get that off my chest. I have wanted to chew Aedion out over that for a long time. Not that Lysandra didn’t get her own chance.

When she knew they were losing that battle because their morale was so low. . .and she took on Aelin’s form, and put herself at the front line. And took on those ilken, KNOWING that she was essentially powerless against them, but was going to be brave and go down fighting anyway. . .

She went down, shield rising to cover herself.

He took it back.

He took back everything he had said to her, every moment of anger in his heart.

Aedion shoved through his own men, unable to breathe, to think.

He took it back; he hadn’t meant a word of it, not really.

As horrifying and awful as this scene was, part of me was so cruelly satisfied by it. YEAH AEDION, NOW YOU SEE WHAT HER DECISION MEANS. Oh, you “take it back”, do you???? IT’S TOO LATE, YOU BAG OF DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fortunately, Lysandra and I proved to be pretty much of the same mind about this.

“I have been degraded and humiliated in so many ways, for so many years,” she said, voice shaking. “But I have never felt as humiliated as I did when you threw me into the snow. When you called me a lying bitch in front of our friends and allies. Never. I was once forced to crawl before men. And gods above, I nearly crawled for you these months. And yet it takes me nearly dying for you to realize that you’ve been an ass? It takes me nearly dying for you to see me as human again?”

Suffice it to say, I suppose he was sufficiently punished after this. Lysandra cut him like a razor and then he was stripped of his title, which literally meant everything to him. I still expected some groveling, which we got. But at the same time. . .nothing he did was ever really addressed?? I get that war and life-or-death situations bring people together (Lorcan and Elide, I’m comin’ for ya!!!) and I’m all for that, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he said and did some really fucked up things to her and they never really talked about it. I guess, in the grand scheme of ALL that was going on in this world, it was kind of inconsequential, and any more love and light we can get in the world is a good thing, especially after all the darkness they had just endured. Lysandra’s a very good person for forgiving him, because I know plenty that would have kicked him to the curb and never looked back. In the end, I’m extremely happy they’re getting married and they’re so happy. The two of them were my main contenders for people who were going to die in this book and I’m very glad I was wrong about this. I cried actual tears when Aedion took the blood oath at the end. I love that Lysandra is recognized as the Lady of Cavarre and their children will inherit it. I love that her and Falkan found each other!!!! Can he provide any description at all of what her parents look like, and would that help jog her memory at all of her own features? Even though at this point, everyone knows her as the face she wears, but I’m sure she’d still like to know. Even better: what if her and Aedion’s children are born with HER features, rather than the Ashryver ones they were banking on them getting when she was pretending to be Aelin?? My heart can’t handle it. Also, will their children inherit the shapeshifting gift? Can you imagine little baby ghost leopards and their ghost leopard mama??? My heart REALLY can’t handle it. I once read this really badass headcanon somewhere here on Tumblr that their daughter became Terrasen’s spymaster with that gift. . .that sounds pretty epic to me. The first time Evangeline appeared on the page, I literally teared up. Please don’t let anything happen to this precious little baby, I pleaded. Thank God someone was listening. Although with as big of a dick Darrow was being this entire time, all the time they spent together was making me really nervous. I didn’t trust him for SO long!! It all turned out alright, though. . .she really is so pure and precious that she melted even his crusty old heart. Like a high fantasy Cindy Lou Who and the Grinch.

Right up until this book’s release, I still had not read Tower of Dawn. Anyone who knows me at all knows I was no great fan of Chaol. If you’ve ever watched Christine Riccio’s videos, my stance on him was pretty much exactly the same as hers. I was FIRMLY Team Dorian and Chaol did pretty much nothing for me. Even after Rowan came into the picture and poor Chaol got put in the SJM Past Relationship Garbage Can, he was never someone I loved. As little as I felt towards him, I felt even less about Nesryn. I felt no strong desire whatsoever to read Tower of Dawn for a long time. I started hearing really great things about it, so my expectations were slowly building. By the time I did read it. . .WOW. It changed everything for me. I thought it was SO SO good and MAN, did it change my opinion on Chaol!!! Congrats, Sarah, you won me over with him completely. Mission accomplished, okay??!?!?! I LOVE CHAOL NOW!! I shipped him and Yrene so hard. I should also take his moment to talk about my love for Yrene. She is too good for this world and all I aspire to be in life. I’ve always kind of loved her ever since The Assassin’s Blade but I was a total goner when she shared that she wanted to go back to Erilea to help in the war, even though she was being offered everything in that southern continent. They are so well suited for each other it’s painful. I still don’t care AS much for Nesryn, she’ll never be my favorite character, but I do acknowledge that she’s a total badass and think it’s pretty epic that she’s going to be an EMPRESS now. That’s pretty hardcore. (Sartaq is also a total sweetie and I, too, would probably follow him into battle).

So I was TOTALLY thrilled to see all of them in here again!! Nesryn and Sartaq were significantly badass the entire time, they’re going to make an amazing khagan and empress. . .what a fucking power couple. They got off pretty much scot free, nothing even happened to their ruks, which I kind of thought would happen. Those god damn ruks I feel like did more work than anyone in this entire book. There were so many times where I’m like “those poor ruks must be fucking exhausted!!!”

Chaol and Yrene slayed me from page one (or whatever page they came in on). The thought that their lives were bound together, knowing what we were going into was honestly scary to think about. You know what else absolutely slayed and gutted me?? Finding out she was PREGNANT.

THAT’S JUST WHAT WE NEED RIGHT NOW. A VULNERABLE UNBORN BABY. BEING CARRIED BY A HEALER WHO’S SKILLS ARE UNPARALLELED, GOING INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING WAR OF ALL TIME. GOOD. GREAT. AWESOME. FANTASTIC. 

The way poor Chaol found out was just awful!!!! His father really is a PEACH. Hated him back in Crown of Midnight, hated him now. Watching everybody lay into him was really great. He can go off and be miserable somewhere and I hope we never see him again. I am SO happy that Chaol reconnected with his mother and that she’s going to be a part of their lives. 

The Chaol/Yrene/Aelin reunion was beautiful and perfect and absolutely everything I ever wanted it to be. I was so hyped for this moment since finishing Tower of Dawn, I was about a second away from exploding from sheer excitement. When Aelin saw him walking and started crying, and they HUGGED, I immediately burst into tears. Even though I was not a Chaolaena shipper, I hated the way their relationship ended and was handled in Queen of Shadows. Even though it wasn’t who I wanted her to be with, it was a truly beautiful relationship that was built on some very real things and I thought they both deserved better than the bitterness, anger, and lack of trust we were left with the last time we saw him. Tower of Dawn and this moment healed this, as effectively as if Yrene had done it herself. Anything that brought reference back to the earlier books had me emotional as hell, and this moment really opened the floodgates. Aelin and Yrene WOW omg kill me. I LOVE that Aelin remembered her immediately and that Yrene got to tell her everything she had done with her life and how grateful she was. I loved that Aelin got to see how one small act of kindness had dramatically changed so many people’s lives. UGH it was just the best. 

When Aelin and Chaol lead the charge from Anielle together. . .oh man, it hit me hard.

“To Lord Chaol! To the queen!”

How far they both were from Rifthold. From the assassin and the captain.

Like I said, I didn’t even LIKE the Chaolaena relationship when it was happening, but this completely gave me all the feels. I was a mess.

I was worried af for Yrene this whole time. Aelin gets a lot of credit for being the magic powerhouse in this series, but idk man. . .I think Yrene’s really where it’s at. The whole time, I was waiting for her to basically just collapse in exhaustion. She’s working as a magical healer in what’s probably the bloodiest war their world has ever experienced, getting hardly any rest, is stressed and worried as hell for her husband who’s fighting in the war, and is walking around puking in buckets in between healings because she’s fucking PREGNANT. When Aelin and Co. started getting all excited because they found out she could heal the Valg out of people and were asking for a demonstration and they found out she had already done TEN that day I was like

YRENE NEEDS TO REST, OKAY EVERYONE?!?!?!? SHE’S GONNA BURN HERSELF OUT!!!

But no!!!! She never does!!! We know she’s tired but she never shows signs of like a major burn out that even Aelin has?? She just gets back up and keeps going?? Like where is the end to her power?? I swear, this woman is incredible. I knew that theoretically she could “heal” Erawan away but somehow even knowing this I never really thought she’d do it. I still always thought it would be Aelin (but let’s be real, this girl had far too much on her plate at this point). But no???? Yrene just steps right up and is like

She SMILES and calls him pathetic!!!! Doesn’t even flinch!!!! Baby’s fine, she’s fine!!! Erawan is GONE!!! WHERE WERE YOU THIS ENTIRE SERIES, YRENE!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I honestly feel like she’ll be just as much of a legend in their world now as Aelin will be. Remember in Heir of Fire, when Aelin’s fighting the ilken and she has that vision (or something) of the future where she comes back for her people and they’re all chanting her name, thanking her for banishing the darkness??? NOPE, YRENE. (And DORIAN, but we’ll get to that later)

I absolutely love the idea of her opening a Torre in Erilea. Her and Chaol are going to be so so happy. My one regret is that we didn’t get to see that baby. I really really wanted to. I thought maybe it would be in an epilogue or something. That’s another thing. . .I kept waiting for her to lose that baby. That would have brought things to a level of tragic I’m not really sure I could handle, so thank you Sarah for being kind to me that way. I’m probably going to hold out hope of seeing until I actually see it, so anytime you wanna get on that Sarah would be great.

Moving on to my NEW FAVES, LORCAN AND ELIDE!!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t really know what I felt about them for a long time. I remember starting Empire of Storms and honest to God not even remembering who Lorcan was. I seriously had almost no recollection of him from Queen of Shadows. I was pretty meh on their storyline through Empire of Storms the first time I read it. It wasn’t until my re-read before Kingdom of Ash where I was like ??????? How have I not noticed these two more???? I literally love them with all my heart???? I ship them with the intensity of a thousand suns????

They gave me ALL the feels and it made Lorcan’s “betrayal” at the end of EoS even worse. I, like Elide, was pretty disgusted by him crawling after Maeve. I could honestly forgive everything else pretty easily. He had good intentions, he really did. But it’s like people expecting Manon to all the sudden be all warm and fuzzy in the blink of an eye. He’s trying to care for and protect the person he cares about but he literally does not know how. He’s going to make some mistakes. His just happened to be mildly catastrophic. *wince*

But yeah, all of that pretty much got pushed to the side when I saw him groveling and crawling through the sand after her. I was completely with Elide on this one. Like Are you for real, dude??? All of that just happened, and you STILL want to go back with her?? Go crawl off and be miserable somewhere.

But THEN when you find out the REAL reason he was acting like that. . .not trying to crawl for Maeve but for AELIN, it’s like. . .oh. Okay. Okay then. OKAY OKAY OKAY. I’M SORRY, LORCAN, OKAY???? COME ON, ELIDE, GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE!!!!!

It was impossible for me to stay mad at him after that. He is so so SO painfully whipped for Elide it’s hysterical. I just kept waiting for her to crack. I have never wanted to hug anyone more than I wanted to hug him when she was still mad at him. It was like watching a kicked puppy. She was cold as ice for so long that eventually I was like ELIDE, THIS MAN IS SUFFERING!!!!! PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

The things she said to him before that battle were SO mean. I felt so awful for him. But then as soon as he got hurt, I knew something epic was going to happen. I could FEEL it.

That whole sequence where she realizes he’s missing, and takes that horse, and charges out to find him, knowing that the flood is coming, but not caring because she has to find him and tell him she loves him. . .that scene CHANGED. MY. LIFE.

I was shaking and crying like a lunatic through the entire thing. The whole thing was so well-written, you could feel the intensity, you could feel her desperation, you could feel the sense of time ticking by and running out. It was as if all the sudden, before my eyes, the intensity and depth of their relationship was revealed to me, so much greater than I ever thought it was before, and I was as desperate for her to find him as she was. There was a minute where I genuinely thought they were both goners. I thought this was some dramatic painful way Sarah was going to write their deaths. I was riding on the edge of my seat the entire god damn time.

I also thought this was going to be a dramatic reveal of magic for Elide. The question was raised in Queen of Shadows AND Empire of Storms why Vernon wanted her so badly. Apparently she has witch blood from her mom’s side (this was never really explained and I’m still curious?) and then the Lochan bloodline has a history of powerful magic. Vernon was like hinting that she specifically, or her bloodline, was destined for some greatness and would make for extremely powerful demon Valg babies. I thought maybe in this moment, she would do what Aelin ends up doing. . .that it would take this moment, her and Lorcan and everyone else’s lives being in danger, for her magic to burst out and stop the flood. I still think that would have been cool. But in a way, I kind of like that she has no real magic, but she completely holds her own among all these extremely powerful people that do--and not just holds her own, but often one ups them all and shows everyone up. She’s incredible on her own, just as she is.

(I also thought we’d get to see Yrene heal her leg. I’m satisfied knowing it’s coming, though!)

After that, everything between them slayed me a million times over. Seeing the way Lorcan was with her seriously brought tears to my eyes. I want a whole book of just fluff between them. Seriously, Lorcan is the sweetest god damn teddy bear ever and I can’t stand it.

“Perranth will be rebuilt,” was all he said. “We’ll see that it is.”

“Have you ever done it? Rebuilt a city?”

“No,” he admitted, coaxing the pain from her aching bones. “I have only destroyed them.” His eyes lifted to hers, searching and open. “But I should like to try. With you.”

But then. . .of all the smutty, kinky, X-Rated level of sex scenes we get in Sarah’s work. . .you chose to cut off Lorcan and Elide’s into a fade-to-black. Like I’m sorry. . .what do you think this is, a PG-13 YA????!?!? You held out on the goods, Sarah. I’m disappointed.

Elide’s uncle met a very satisfying and poetically just ending. He deserved everything he got. When he was begging for mercy, to keep from being locked up and left. . .give me a break, give me a fucking break. You had no problem doing it to a helpless child for ten years. . .have a taste of your own medicine, bitch.

Vernon’s face went the color of spoiled milk. “You mean to leave me in their hands, utterly defenseless?”

“I was defenseless when you let my leg remain unhealed,” she said, a steady sort of calm settling over her. “I was a child then, and I survived. You’re a grown man. We’ll see if you do too.”

Something that was a whole big issue for these two for a good part of the book was the fact that Lorcan was immortal and Elide was not. I never really got why they were so worried about it. I don’t remember how I knew this, but I knew that fae had the ability to give up their immortality. So the whole time, I just expected that he would do this. Whenever he had an internal breakdown over the fact that she would grow old and die and he would be left behind to endure it, I was like. . . . . .give up your immortality??? If she means that much to you, which it clearly sounds like she does. I know that’s a thing that can be done, so why are we wasting so much angst on it?? Oh well, I’m glad he figured it out in the end. Elide and I were both very moved by it. (Although small side note: I hate when some characters in books are immortal and others are not. I still have PTSD about this from Clockwork Princess. Yes, the problem is rectified between the two of them, but it does not change the fact that Aelin and Rowan are immortal and are going to have to watch them wither and die one day. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I only like immortality if we’re ALL immortal!!!)

And of course, “Lord Lorcan Lochan” is utterly hilarious and perfect in every way. I love love LOVED their ending “Ask me to marry you” scene. Please give me more of them Sarah, I’m begging you.

And now, the time has come. . .the time to discuss my literal top two favorite characters in this entire series, the two that have rocked my world and turned it upside down the past couple years. MAKE WAY FOR MANON AND DORIAN, EVERYONE.

I guess I should preface this by saying that my preference for the Manorian ship went through a drastic and complete overhaul in the days following Empire of Storms. For those of you that don’t know, I was a MASSIVE die-hard Doraelin shipper back in the day. I held on all the way through Crown of Midnight and Heir of Fire. I REALLY thought this was where we were going in the end. I was completely convinced that we were going to come back in Queen of Shadows and discover that Dorian was Aelin’s mate, because even though he was Evil Valg Dorian, she wouldn't be able to hurt him. I thought the parallels in their stories were leading to an endgame romance. . .both had endured the traumatic deaths of their significant others, both had insanely powerful magic, and both were royalty, worthy of each other. Celaena belonged with Chaol, but I thought AELIN belonged with Dorian. I was CONVINCED this was where we were going, people. I didn’t even consider Rowan a potential love interest. 

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

It became apparent pretty quickly that the Doraelin ship was tanking. I fought it for a while. It sucked. But I refused to abandon ship!!

Then things started get even more complicated, when Queen of Shadows was released, and there were hints of a Manorian ship. I didn’t take any of it seriously. It was honestly like a crack ship to me. I didn’t think anything would ever really come of it.

LITTLE DID I KNOW.

Then Empire of Storms came out and all the sudden it was like. . .Wait, this is real???

Initially. . .I fucking HATED this ship. I cursed it to the fiery pits of hell and waited for it to sink to oblivion. Any time Manon spoke, thought, or interacted with Dorian I was like 

I was so protective of Dorian and so wound up in the Doraelin ship, that I could not accept anything to do with Manorian. I didn’t see how anything involving it would ever possibly work out. However, upon finishing Empire of Storms, things slowly started to change. Rowan was confirmed as Aelin’s mate, so there was no point in hanging on to anything there. My feelings toward Manon also changed dramatically in that book. I enjoyed her since the end of Heir of Fire, and genuinely liked her in Queen of Shadows, but Empire of Storms brought her up in my Top 3 Favorite Characters. Seeing where her story was going changed my whole viewpoint on this dramatically. I went back and read the Manorian parts with an open mind. About a week later, I was total Manorian trash.

I went into this book EXTREMELY excited for all the Manorian. Like I said, they are in my Top 3 Favorite Characters (the other being Aelin) separately. I think what I began to realize after Empire of Storms, that when I was obsessed with the idea of Doraelin, I think what I was really obsessed with was Dorian. I loved him so much that he was what I was hung up on. When I found Manorian, I was way WAY more into it than I EVER was with Doraelin. I don’t really have a super eloquent reason why I love him so much. It was pretty much love at first sight, I loved him ever since he strolled onto the page in Throne of Glass. I just latched onto him immediately. I loved the light heartedness he brought to the series back then. I loved that he loved to read, that he gave her a puppy (omg I will never be over that scene), that when he felt, he felt so deeply. (Plus I have a weakness for black hair and blue eyes, ok????). I sensed that there was so much more to him and I was right. When we found out that he had raw magic. . .*SWOON*.

He went through some dark shit in the past couple books, particularly this one. I have to say, I was shocked to see how “normal” he was thinking and behaving in Empire of Storms, after the ordeal he went through. He seemed shockingly unaffected. I don’t know if it was supposed to be delayed PTSD or what, because all the sudden it seemed like everything started surfacing in this book. Sorscha was brought up a LOT. Not that he doesn’t have a reason to be thinking about her, I just was surprised, because I barely remember her getting mentioned in EoS. He was so clearly mentally damaged here, it was legit painful for me to read. I can not tell you how much it hurt me every time he talked about going off and sacrificing himself to seal the Lock because no one would really care. 

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD CARE, DORIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG BABY PLS DON’T SAY THIS!!!!!

His powers. . .I cannot even believe them. I swear to God, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK AELIN IS THE MOST POWERFUL?!?!? Her power is more outwardly catastrophic, but all she can work with is fire (and that tiny bit of water). Dorian’s got, and I quote, “Raw magic that could grant him any gifts: ice, flame, healing, heightened senses and strength. Perhaps shape shifting if he tried.” So you’re basically telling me that Dorian is Aelin, Rowan, Yrene, Aedion, AND Lysandra all wrapped up into one, PLUS God knows what else!!!!! YOUR FAVE COULD NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet. . .no one ever takes him seriously in this whole fucking series!!!!!!! It’s not that people are insulting or dismissing of him, necessarily, it’s just that no one seems to understand what a fucking powerhouse he really is. Everyone’s so concerned about Aelin and her magic and no one seems to even consider him. I’m over here like “Uhhhh guys??? Look at the power this guy wields. THIS seems like the guy I’d be fighting to recruit for my side!!” I think this is very likely why I liked Manorian so much. . .she seemed to immediately realize the depth of his power and respect it.

The fact that he mastered SHAPESHIFTING is just fucking INSANE!!!! Everyone makes such a big deal about Lysandra and it’s like. . .Dorian can do this too, plus also a million other things?? Like no big deal???? He’s so good and pure and just wants to be a better king than his father??? Plus he loves books and dogs??? Ugh, here’s my heart, just take it. I love him so much.

The whole time he was in Morath was honestly one of the most stressful times of the entire book. I just kept waiting and waiting for something terrible to happen. I didn’t know how I would handle it. When Maeve finally called him out and trapped him. . .

I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was preparing for the worst. But then, things started to get a little complicated. It was (mercifully) brief but there was really a time in my life when I ACTUALLY thought Dorian was going to marry Maeve. I really honestly thought he was going to go through with it for a hot minute and I honestly wanted to die. (More on my thoughts specifically about Maeve later). I had horrible flashbacks to Kai marrying Queen Levana in The Lunar Chronicles. I know he kind of said it was all a ruse, but he was so convincing and it went on for so long, that the lines started to blur for me and I was actually afraid we were going to go through with this.

“You want a kingdom? Then join mine. Ally with me, work with me to get what we need from Erawan, and I shall make you queen. Of a far bigger territory, with a people who will not rise up against you. A new start, I suppose.”

“The woman I love is dead. My kingdom is in pieces. What do I have to lose?”

“You came to Morath for a key and will leave with a bride.”

BUT THEN.

“It was as simple as an incision. To sever the link between their minds--and to sever another part of her.

To tie off the gift that allowed her to jump between places. To open those portals.

World-walker no longer, he said, as his raw magic shifted her own. Changed it’s very essence. I suggest you invest in a good pair of shoes.

And when he looked behind him, at the mountain and valley that reeked of death, at the place where so many terrible things had begun, Doran smiled and brought Morath’s towers crashing down.

I should have known to have better faith in him. He was just so amazing in this part and I was in total awe. I have a lot more feelings on him and what his future has in store, but I’ll save that for a little later.

I need to talk about Manon for a little bit.

Right now, my feelings on her are a complicated mix of

and

So, like I was kind of saying earlier. . .like a lot people, my opinion on Manon changed a lot throughout the series. I went from pretty much hating her, to loving her almost more than anyone else. It’s crazy how your opinion on someone can change so drastically after just one book. Empire of Storms made me see Manon in a whole new light. We already knew the direction her story was heading, of her finding her humanity and learning to love, but when we learned all the heartbreaking details about her parents, her half-sister, and the true depth of the evil her grandmother was capable of, it elevated things to another level for me. Her story now meant so much more and everything about her made me so emotional. I went back and re-read the entire Throne of Glass series before this came out and was absolutely blown away by how much I adored reading each of her parts. Her story with Abraxos. . .like omg I can’t. I get emotional and teary just thinking about it. And the Thirteen. . .The Thirteen. You know how sometimes when you read a book, you find yourself just latching on to certain characters, even if they’re not a central part of the story? You get irrationally excited reading about them and they take up a really special place in your heart? That’s how the Thirteen were for me. I absolutely loved them and thought they were so fucking awesome. Out of all them, I loved Asterin the most. I loved Asterin so much. Her story was, I think, one of the worst that anyone in that whole series experienced. To this day, I can’t read or think about it too closely because I can’t comprehend how awful it was. The fact that she went through all of that and was still so brave and good. . .it moves me to tears. And her loyalty to Manon. . .please don’t even get me started. The fact that she (and all of them, really, but especially her) was able to see the potential Manon had, far before Manon ever saw it in herself, and were so confident in it that she would follow her anywhere. . .kill me now. Their relationship really got me. Please don’t ever speak to me again about how it was being faced with having to kill Asterin that finally made Manon turn on her grandmother after an entire century. They were the ultimate Ride or Die duo and one of my favorite fictional friendships ever. 

I pretty much expected one or some of the Thirteen to die in this book. Given the way Sarah handled A Court of Wing and Ruin, I didn’t think any of our main players would die. Yes, this was a very high stakes book, but I was pretty confident that all of those guys were getting a happy ending. Killing of some of the Thirteen would be tragic enough to where we would feel it, but it wouldn't be a total devastation to the story. 

We should probably first start off by talking about the horrific beyond belief moment when Abraxos gets attacked. I swear to God, when that happened, I actually think I blacked out for a second. I REALLY honestly 100% thought he was going to die right there at that part. I remembered Sarah saying that the only guaranteed survivor of the series would be Fleetfoot, Aelin’s pet, but we didn’t hear anything about Manon’s. I’d said before this book that if anything happened to Abraxos, I’d probably go even more apeshit than Manon and just wouldn't be able to handle it. I briefly lost my absolute mind when this happened, and couldn’t function or even really read the words on the page until I knew he was going to be okay. It scared the living shit out of me.

When she told him she loved him. . .

I was still fucking reeling from THAT, when it happened. I was so shaken up and emotional at that point, that I didn’t even really realize what was happening at first. I seriously didn’t even understand. Then I started to get a horrible feeling but was still like No no no no no no, Sarah wouldn't really do this. It’s a trick. Then she started listing names and I realized what was happening. I was in denial all the way up until Asterin. At that point, I completely lost it. I had to put the book down and sob dramatically into my hands. I sat and cried on my bed for a good five minutes and couldn’t keep reading because I was so shocked and devastated.

(Side note: I had to stop reading then because it was getting so late and I didn’t really have the mental energy to continue anyway. I was basically a total and complete emotional mess at work the next day. I shouldn’t have been allowed around people.)

I couldn’t believe it. I still really can’t. I’m still a pretty big mess about it. I might even go so far as to say that this is the most upset I’ve been about a fictional death. . .ever? I know that’s a bold statement and I’m still raw to everything, but I really honestly think it might be. I’ve been mourning them like people I actually knew ever since I finished.

Most of these intense emotions come from my feelings on Manon. The way I view her is so completely different now. I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through from this. It’s overwhelming. Other than Abraxos, the Thirteen were all she had. She had no one else. Losing them is essentially the same as someone losing their entire family AND friends all at the same time and having to watch. All when you’re just coming to terms with things like emotion, friendship, and love, and possibly gaining hope for a better future for the first time in your life. Aelin went through a lot, and I know that, but I really don’t think there’s anyone in this series that is was more damaged than Manon was over the course of her life. I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about how they like that she’s so fierce and independent and don’t want to see her change who she is for the sake of a ship or whatever other reason. I have no doubt that Manon is fierce and independent and many other wonderful things. But there is a big difference between fierceness and independence and the way she was living her life before this series. She was abused and brainwashed into being a heartless killer with suppressed emotions, point blank. She was repeatedly told by her only (or so she thought) family member that she didn’t have a heart or a soul and the only things that mattered in life were discipline and brutality. This is not normal or healthy in any way. Not everyone has to be a super cuddly fuzzy person, but this kind of extreme lifestyle is destructive and harmful. I was never interested in seeing Manon lose her entire identity and become a domestic little wifey to someone DORIAN but learning to love and care for others? Taking all that she’s capable of and putting it towards fighting for good? Absolutely. To me, that’s not Manon’s character being ruined. It’s her character being improved.

So when you stop and think about who she was when we met her and how, really, she could have lived her life as a completely normal person, the damage that was plainly done to her is astounding. I think she’s slowly starting to come to terms with this, which is very hard for her, because I’m sure she has never thought of herself as a victim even once in her life. Adding this into the mix is so painful I can barely even think about it. When she went down onto the field after it was all over, knelt on the spot where the Yielding happened, and wept for them. . .that hurt. It hurt a LOT. Seeing Manon cry was harder than seeing any other character in that entire series cry.

Oh, and let’s also not forget that Abraxos lost his mate. Like. . .actually kill me now.

Like I said, the way I think of her is so completely different now. The grief she has to be going through is staggering. You do not suffer that kind of loss and then continue to be the same person. I know she was growing closer with her Crochan relatives, but who does she REALLY have?? Is she okay?? Can she talk to someone? I know she’s strong and I know she’s tough as nails, but she was so clearly destroyed by this that I just worry for her so much.

This is also made even more sad by the fact that before this I was riding SUCH a high with her part of the story!!! I knew that winning over the Crochans was NOT going to be an easy task and I was so curious to see how she would handle it. They definitely had a rocky start but it was all made right for me in the end.

“All my life,” Manon said, her voice wavering only slightly, “I have been fed a lie. A lie about who we are, what we are. That we are monsters, and proud to be.” She ran a finger over the scrap of red fabric binding her braid. “But we were made into them. Made,” she repeated, “When we might be so much more.”

“The choice of how our people’s future shall be shaped is yours,” Manon told each of the witches assembled, all the Blackbeaks who might fly to war and never return. “But I will tell you this.” Her hands shook, and she fisted them on her thighs. “There is a better world out there. And I have seen it.”

“I have seen witch and human and Fae dwell together in peace. And it is not a weakness to do so, but a strength. I have met kings and queens whose love for their kingdoms, their people, is so great that the self is secondary. Whose love for their people is so strong that even in the face of unthinkable odds, they do the impossible.”

Manon lifted her chin. “You are my people. Whether my grandmother decrees it so or not, you are my people, and always will be. But I will fly against you, if need be, to ensure that there is a future for those who can not fight for it themselves. Too long have we prayed on the weak, relished doing so. It is time that we became better than our foremothers. There is a better world out there,” she said again. “And I will fight for it. Will you?”

YES MANON!!!!!!! Go back and read her first few chapters in Heir of Fire, and then come look at this. She has changed so much over the series. Her character growth is honestly profound.

And then the scene where she takes on all of the Matrons. . .

She knew no one would be there if she looked. Knew no one else could see them, sense them, standing with her. Standing with their daughter against the witch who had destroyed them.

Her grandmother spat on the ground, barring her rusted teeth.

This death, though. . .

It was not her death to claim.

It did not belong to the parents whose spirit’s lingered at her side, who might have been there all along, leading her towards this. Who had not left her, even with death separating them.

No, it did not belong to them, either.

She looked behind her. Toward the Second waiting beside Dorian.

Tears slid down Asterin’s face. Of pride--pride and relief.

Manon beckoned to Asterin with an iron-tipped hand.

SHE WAS GOING TO LET ASTERIN KILL HER. I CAN’T HANDLE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah. . .to see the epic place her character was going and then have that happen. . .it’s not fair, it’s so completely not fair. I wanted them all to see the Wastes together. I wanted Asterin to find happiness again--even though a good friend of mine made the point that her happiness was getting Manon where she needed to be and destroying the Matron. She did what she always wanted to do and now she’s at peace. This is 100% true and makes sense, but it still hurts. It hurts thinking about the REAL friendship her and Manon could have had from this point on. Ugh, now I’m sad again. I just really really want Manon to be okay.Now, as far as the actual Manorian goes. . .some things were a lot like how I expected and other things were NOT like what I expected. I didn’t really expect Dorian to be so emo in this book but I did fully expect them to have a “You do care--you care so much it scares you and you’re running away because you’re terrified” conversation. I’ve seen some people saying that their relationship doesn’t really seem to have much basis or foundation and they’re just using each other for sex to avoid talking about their feelings. As big of a Manorian shipper as I am, I can kind of see some accuracy in this. I think that’s kind of the point, though. The relationship started out this way and over time, they slowly begin to grow attached and see each other as more than a physical distraction. They are both good people at their core who are going through a lot. I think watching the other one overcome their struggles plays a big part in where this attachment comes from. The two of them have always been able to see each other so clearly, even when no one else could. There is an undeniable connection in that regard, for whatever reason. Dorian’s experience with Sorscha and the Valg prince and Manon’s experience in, well, basically this entire series, changed them significantly. I think both of their character arcs actually have a lot of similarities, some of which are even discussed in this book (coming to terms with hating the person who raised them). I think both of them are just beginning the process of figuring out who they want to be in life, which makes me really firmly believe we haven’t seen the last of them.

We’re not done with them yet. We can’t be. Sarah HAS to have some kind of project with them up her sleeve. This story is just begging to be written and I really can’t imagine that it wouldn't be. Kingdom of Ash ended with both of them physically safe, with positive seeming futures, but neither one are really even close to being whole and happy in any sense of the words. Dorian knows he wants to be a better king than his father but he very clearly has no self worth and is struggling a lot as far as what his place in the world is. Manon’s problems are self explanatory. She’s dealing with the horrific aftermath of losing every person she had in the world. Both of them are about to head off to kingdoms that are basically in shambles and try to do right by them, even though they are both internally suffering. Both Aelin and Chaol had books that were pretty much solely dedicated to their mental wellbeing--finding their self worth, their place in the world, and walking back that path to the light. They were both intensely powerful and emotional books. I just can’t imagine she would leave Manon and Dorian the way she did and not plan to give them something like this as well. Because they both really deserve it.

And, okay, I deserve it too!!!! My babies are suffering, therefore I’M suffering!!!!!!

Another thing that really makes me think this might happen is that I feel Sarah also has more she wants to do with Ansel. She offered to share the Wastes with Manon at the end of this book, so they’d be in the same place anyway. Ansel’s probably also not in a very good place at this point, after going through the death of all of her men (weren’t their heads being, like, catapulted or something? Gross). She lost all (or at least many) or her loyal followers, and so did Manon.

There were also those weird implications that something’s going on between her and Rolfe and Illias I think?? I’m very confident that Sarah has more to tell with that story as well. So basically, I’m just going to be sitting here waiting until this story is told. 

Moving on to the Cadre. When we first met most of them in Empire of Storms, I was kind of meh. I couldn’t keep all the names straight and remember who’s tragic backstory was who’s. But my re-read did make me connect with them a lot more. Lorcan, I’ve already discussed. Gavriel. . .I always basically just felt sorry for him. Basically, I thought Aedion was an overly dramatic little bitch (as per usual with him) towards him in Empire of Storms. Look, dude. I get it. You never knew your father and lived your whole life living in resentment of him because you assumed he impregnated your mother and took off, leaving her to raise you alone. Yes, that IS what happened, but then we find out that Gavriel didn’t even know that Aedion existed. When he finds out he has a son, he is FLOORED, emotional, and wants to meet him. He did not know that Aedion’s mother was pregnant. Not responsible, I’ll definitely give you that. But it’s like, Aedion. . .how many people have YOU had casual sex with??? Every man (I’m sorry. . . “male”) in this series is described as some incredible sex god, whose bedroom prowess is legendary and has no equal. That’s gotta come from somewhere. Aedion was no virgin when we met him and neither was ANY other guy we met. I don’t see a ring on his finger so clearly he’s had relations with someone and then discontinued the relationship. Aedion’s mother purposefully worked so hard to keep the knowledge of Aedion’s existence from anyone in Wendlyn, including Gavriel, because she was so afraid of Maeve. This is not Gavriel’s fault. To me, this is like people getting mad that people in the ACOTAR universe treat Rhys like a bad guy, when Rhys acted like a bad guy and WANTED people to think he was a bad guy for fifty years. It’s not fair that Aedion had to grow up without a father, but he was not brought up this way because Gavriel is some flaky dirtbag who abandoned his child and didn’t give a crap about him. Aedion’s attitude towards him in Empire of Storms was, I thought, extremely harsh. Gavriel is so good, so honorable, and all he wants is to know his son. He worries so much about being “worthy” of his son, and I’m over here kind of like. . . “Ugh, dude, he’s the one not worthy of YOU”. 

Despite my steadfast defense of him just now, I wasn’t too torn up over his death. I think probably what happened was just that I was so fucked up from the death of the Thirteen already that there really wasn’t much left in me to feel anything towards this. I was so shaken by that that I don’t know what it would have taken to get my thoughts off of it. If Gavriel’s death had come first, I think it would have been much more sad for me. It was also exactly the kind of death I expected. . .sad, meaningful, but not too devastating, where we’re losing anyone major. It was sad to see Aedion sad over him, though. That could have been a really beautiful relationship. I’m not unfeeling towards it, it was just no where NEAR the things I felt about the Thirteen. So it kind of got overshadowed.

NEW FAVORITE CHARACTER OF ALL TIME AWARD GOES TO FENRYS.

My feelings for him hit me like a mega bus and I was not prepared for it. Like I said, I was very meh on the Cadre before this but man, this guy won me over in this book. The fact that he was forced to witness Aelin’s torture. . .ugh, I can’t. I feel like that would be enough to make me lose my mind in about a day. I don’t know how he managed to keep any kind of sanity throughout that. I think the bond that they formed, even without the Blood Oath, is something incredibly deep and unbreakable. I can’t imagine how much it must have. . .helped? I don’t know if I can even use that word because there was nothing positive about that situation whatsoever, but I think having Fenrys there was probably what kept Aelin from going off some deep end that she could never come back from. Just knowing that there was one person there who was good, and cared about you, and knew the extent of your suffering. . .in a situation as horrific as she was in, this one little kernel of goodness most likely made an astronomical difference. The form of communication they formed through the blinking. . .I am here, I am with you. 

I bawled like a freaking little baby when he finally broke through Maeve’s Blood Oath to come to her defense and then she gave him her Blood Oath to keep him from dying. Their relationship really gave me all the feels and I just love him so much now. I’m super interested in where his story is going. There was something mentioned at some point about him going off on some mission? Somewhere? For something? I can’t remember, but I know there was something. I’m betting my own paycheck he gets his own book.

I also wanted to touch briefly on Connall, and the way things ended with him. I’ve seen a lot of people cursing his name, saying good riddance, and that Fenrys deserves way better, which is shocking to me, because of the way I interpreted what Connall did. I could be completely wrong on this, but when I read this I assumed he was under Maeve’s control when he said it. Like she was making him say those things. What he said was definitely awful and uncalled for. It just didn’t make sense to me because him and Fenrys obviously have a really close bond because Fenrys was willing to bind himself to Maeve and basically be her sex slave to protect him. If Maeve could make him stab himself to death, I bet she could make him say those things. I read it kind of like the visions she was giving Rowan and Lorcan at the end, where Lyria and Elide were saying all that awful shit to them that they would obviously never say in real life. . .basically taking their own insecurities and inner demons and projecting them. Like I said, I could be totally wrong. And him and Maeve are both dead so I don’t know how we’d ever find out one way or another. Maeve was just so evil in this book that I viewed that whole scene as just one more torture device. I really can’t believe he just died that early on in the book! I fully expected a dramatic twin rescue/coming together storyline. Poor Fenrys :(

And honestly who the eff even is Vaughn????? Every time he was brought up, I was like. . .????? Who???! I feel like there has to be some purpose to him for him to even be created, and I’m still waiting!! (Another thing that gives me hope for more books in this world!)

Also, literally LOLing at the fact that Aedion was so upset in Queen of Shadows that Rowan took “THE” Blood Oath and not him and now Aelin literally has like 500 people Blood Oathed to her. Seriously, every member of the Cadre! See Aedion? It all worked out.

I thought all of the villains met their endings in very poetic and satisfying ways. Manon’s grandmother’s death, even though it absolutely killed me, was 100000% perfect and no other way would have been as satisfying. We knew Asterin had to do it (I just didn’t expect it to be a kamikaze mission!!!!!!). I lost track of the body Erawan was in. I know for a while he was Duke Perrington but I thought I remembered somewhere along the way reading that he wasn’t anymore. Wasn’t he in Dorian’s cousin, that guy Roland? The hot young blonde guy?? Was that who he was in this? I honestly don’t know. Either way, he was as evil as ever. Morath just seemed like one giant hellhole and anything to do with him grossed me out. One of the worst parts of the whole thing for me was finding out that he actually desired Manon and wanted her as his queen and for breeding.

The fact that he got melted away into nothing and totally obliterated by Yrene (AND DORIAN, PLEASE DON’T FORGET HIM!!!!!!!!) really is pathetic. That’s the best word Yrene could have picked to use then. The whole idea of her being the one to end him and not Aelin was a little jarring for me at first, just because it’s so normal for the main protagonist to take down the main villain, but I like this end for him way way better than him just being banished to another world. 1) I don’t trust those gods at all (more on that later) and 2) If he found his way in once, he could find his way in again. This way he’s gone and gone for good. Good riddance!! 

Maeve. . .I was confused af over Maeve the entire time. She’s vile, horrible, morbid, and evil as hell, but once we found out her motive in Tower of Dawn, I really didn’t understand why she wasn’t siding with Aelin. She’s basically devoted her entire existence into keeping herself hidden from the Valg kings so she doesn’t have to go home to their awful dimension or whatever. The Valg kings tried to come here specifically so they could find her and hunt her down. Aelin is actively and openly trying to destroy Erawan and permanently banish him from this world. ?????? Sounds like a no-brainer to me?? If you were that concerned about him finding you and being there, I don’t know why she wouldn't at least make a temporary alliance with Aelin, then turn on her once he was gone (basically like she ended up trying to do with Dorian). I know she really wanted the Blood Oath from Aelin because she wanted to use her as a weapon, but I feel like given the present circumstances, all of that could have waited until Erawan was destroyed. Then go after her hard core for the Blood Oath. It got to a certain point though, where I didn’t even care about this anymore. What she had done to Aelin was so astronomically horrific that there was no coming back from it. All I wanted was for her to die. . .painfully. Once she started talking with Dorian, I got really REALLY nervous that this alliance was actually going to happen, and like I said, by that point I didn’t want it, no matter how much sense it made. I was so emotionally exhausted that I was having a hard time figuring out who was manipulating who in that situation. Thank God it never ended up happening. I kind of wanted Aelin to be the one to end her, but really, all of the Cadre suffered under her thumb so much that really any one of them would have been justified. Fenrys was definitely within his rights. I am not a supporter of violence, but Aelin’s beheading of her after that brought me so much satisfaction.

And now I guess there’s really only one thing to talk about left. The Fire Breathing Bitch Queen herself, the Faerie Queen of the West, Aelin of the Wildfire, and all her many other titles. And Rowan. . .can’t forget about him, can we?

I’ll admit, my feelings on them as a couple have not been generous since Queen of Shadows. I loved their relationship in Heir of Fire. It was one of my favorite things about the entire book. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed reading a completely platonic male/female friendship that went so deep they would die for each other until I read one--there are so few out there that it wasn’t something I had much experience with. I am NOT complaining about romance--romance is my favorite thing in any story and I will never complain about it’s presence in literature. But this was really kind of refreshing and felt so special. The fact that it played such a big part in Aelin’s emotional recovery and, essentially her rebirth, made it feel even more special. Whenever I heard someone mention themselves being “Team Rowan”, I was genuinely shocked. I never even considered that as a legit ship prior to QoS (sort of like how I was with Manorian. . .LOL@me). So when Queen of Shadows started and suddenly things were very NOT platonic, I was extremely taken aback. It was just not at all what I was expecting, and everything about their relationship, which I loved so much before, felt completely different. All the sudden we were talking about having self control with nightgowns, tormenting each other about not wearing underwear to assassination missions, thinking of licking each other, and oh yes, I actually really felt this way about you ALL ALONG!!! I just never said it! I didn’t buy it. Going back and re-reading the series from start to finish again helped, because there wasn’t a 2 year gap in between Heir of Fire and Queen of Shadows. It made the transition a little more smooth and it did seem more believable this time around. The first time though. . . I didn’t see a scrap of evidence to suggest that this was feasible and was convinced that somewhere in the gap between HoF and QoS, Sarah got the hots for Rowan and decided that Aelin did too. To this day, I’m still not a big fan of the way the two of them treated other people in Queen of Shadows. It bothered me how once Rowan showed up, no one seemed to matter to Aelin. That might not be entirely fair, and I’m sure someone could present a counter argument to this, but I still got vibes of this even upon my recent re-read. This is partially a personal problem I have with Sarah’s writing. . .that once the main love interest is in the picture, suddenly everything becomes a comparison with absolutely everyone and everything. NO ONE can compare to the utter perfection of The Main Love Interest in any way, shape, or form. The Main Love Interest’s actions and words seem like they are done purely to showcase what utter failures everyone else is with their actions and words. . .even if Main Character had no problem with them in previous books. They are feminists, action-takers, sensitive, intuitive sex gods, and how ever did the Main Character not see what she was putting up with before him?????? It’s over the top and I start to find it obnoxious. I get the feelings like this Main Love Interest is being shoved down my throat, like I’m being given no choice but to love and adore him, because he is such Utter Perfection that it makes no logical sense not to. This is RAMPANT in ACOTAR (don’t even get me started) and I most definitely think it started to show itself here. Not nearly as extreme (seriously, I could rant about it forever), but there were definitely moments. I’m telling you, it’s not a coincidence. Aelin comes back from Wendlyn and suddenly Chaol is utter dirt. Even though one book prior to that, she was calling him her “home” and being moved to tears by him because he made her see the world the way it should be. Chaol was willing to give up his position and follow her anywhere, he wanted to marry her, but then Wait a second, she has magic?? Sorry, I take it back, she’s an unpredictable monster and I want nothing to do with her.

I could go through more examples but I won’t bore you with them. But seriously. . .I didn’t even like the Chaolena ship but the way it went down (before Tower of Dawn) was so cringey. I was put off by how Rowan showed up in Queen of Shadows and starts stomping all over Aedion, even though Aedion is her family and has lived literally his entire life dedicated to her (I felt really sorry for Aedion in QoS ok??) Basically, the vibe I was getting was that no one was of any real importance except for Rowan anymore and it made their romantic relationship just be too much for me to handle (it didn’t help that my salty ass was still holding out hardcore for a Doraelin end game but we won’t talk about that). The re-read I just did helped a LOT with this. Normally once I’m given time to accept something in a series (and two years is a nice long time to accept it) I can come to terms with things nicely and end up enjoying it, or at least take it for what it is. It’s just that if something doesn’t happen the way I expect it to, there’s a bit of a rough adjustment period. This adjustment has definitely happened. This time, I read Heir of Fire looking for hints at a romantic pairing and I found them. I still don’t entirely have completely positive feelings for the way the two of them behave as a couple through the later two books (particularly QoS) and I don’t think that will ever really go away, but like I said, this is just a pet peeve of mine with Sarah’s writing in general. It’s not enough to make me seriously dislike them. And I have to say. . .I felt that this little issue was cleared up entirely in Kingdom of Ash.

Aelin had been through so much by that point that she just really needed one solid person to be 100% there for her, in any way that she needed. That was what I felt Rowan’s role was in Kingdom of Ash. For all the talk of him being “the most powerful purebred Fae male in all the history of the world blah blah blah whatever”, I felt that his role as Aelin’s supporter far outshone any kind of magical ability or battle skill he brought to the table. Sure, he fought in battles and used his magic, and shape-shifted and it was really impressive, but the scenes that were standout for me were the scenes were he was comforting Aelin, or calming Aelin, or reassuring her, or anything like that. In all the turmoil that she was facing in so many directions, Rowan was a constant and steady rock throughout all of it. Sometimes I even started feeling like he was MY link to sanity. The problems they were facing would start to seem so overwhelming and hopeless and Rowan would be there to lean on in whatever way we needed. He acknowledged that he knew she was tired and that what she had gone through and what was being asked of her wasn’t fair. But at the same time, he constantly drew on the strength of her heart, her heart of wildfire that he knew would never fail her (which was pretty much exactly what it ended up coming down to. . .look at Rowan, making me emotional!!!). He always seemed to know exactly what to do or say and never stifled her. She was always making her own decisions, even ones that would seriously affect the outcome of a lot of really important things, but were still hers to make on her own. I remember one thing that comforted me immensely was when she reminded him that they still had her sacrifice to face at the end of all of this, and he told her that when that time came, they would face it together, as one soul in two bodies. Normally I am SO not about this literal “I die when you die” (looking at you, Feysand) but I’ll admit. . .in this instance, I was like Yes, thank you, her and I both needed to hear that. The thought of her facing that alone was so overwhelming, depressing, and scary. He had already been alive for so long and he didn’t have any real commitments like children or a kingdom or whatever. I know it sounds really really morbid to be thinking this way and I acknowledge that this is kind of fucked up, but I loved that he just viewed it as, “It’s nothing to be afraid of because if it does come down to that, I’ll go and go with you. We won’t be separated no matter what”. Like I said, she had gone through so much at that point that I was like. . .yes, give her this.

Basically, I just want to give it up to Rowan for being such a solid calming presence and force throughout this entire book. So much was being thrown at them, but he never balked even once. I never felt like he was part of some obnoxious comparison, like his actions were being showcased to display how shitty someone else was being. Whatever came at them, he would always take it, no matter how overwhelming, for Aelin. He was exactly what she needed throughout this entire experience. Round of applause for you, Rowan.

(The only thing that mildly disappointed me about Rowan was the whole “I actually never loved Lyria as much as I said I did, I really wanted it to be YOU who was my mate the whole time.” Like. 1) I don’t buy that. He loved Lyria and the death of her and their child destroyed him. And 2) If you want to think that, go ahead and think that, but saying it out loud like that is not fair to that poor girl. She was literally set up to be a pawn in Maeve’s shitty little morbid games with you and Aelin. The least you can do is give her and her memory the respect she deserves. But it’s Sarah. I have to expect that SOME things like this are going to happen. Overall it still didn’t affect the way I felt about him).

Aelin herself. . .I can’t even fully begin to describe my feelings on Aelin in this book, and in this entire series. Like I said, I had some gripes on the way some of her ships were dealt with, but overall, she is, and still remains, one of the characters that means the most to me out of every series I’ve read. I honestly draw so much courage and strength from her, as corny as that may sound. I went into this book not really knowing what to expect with her. We knew she was in a really bad situation, but. . .I was not prepared for just how bad it was going to be.

Reading Aelin’s torture scenes were honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever read in my entire life. I had to start skimming some of the worst parts because I was getting nauseous. I am not a person with a high tolerance for pain. . .I am the classic “stub my toe and cry” kind of girl. So reading those scenes with Cairn. . .my little brain could not comprehend what she was going through. I was in hysterics with pretty much every one. I kept thinking “this is the worst one, it can’t get any worse than this”, and then it inevitably would. (Although I still kind of think the winner for that goes to the scene with the glass. . .I seriously can’t even picture that, I start to crawl out of my skin). Aelin is a character who is so strong and tough, that when she breaks down and cries, it kills me (kind of like Manon). The scene where she’s crying in the box after some horrific torture scene, and she has that vision of her mother, who tells her, “You’ve been very brave, for so very long. . .But you must be brave a little while longer, my Fireheart.”

That scene just absolutely killed me. I think about myself, when I’ve had a long day at work, and just feel so beaten down and put-upon by the world, when nothing seems to be going right and even though I’m well into my twenties, all I want is my mom. I want her there to listen, to let me lean on her a little, in the way good moms do. Having Evalin appear to Aelin in that moment, when she’s going through all of that really really got me. And then of course, it leads to that surge of power that Rowan and the others feel, that points them to her.

It filled him with sound, with fire and light. As if it screamed, again and again, I am alive, I am alive, I am alive.

The dumbest thing that Maeve could have done was to move her. As soon as she said she was doing that, I knew she was making a fatal mistake. The level of cruel irony though, in the fact that Aelin heard about the Valg mask Maeve was supposedly going to get and tried to provoke Cairn into going too far and killing her, when the Crew had concocted this story to draw Maeve away was almost too much for me to handle.

I have slightly mixed feelings about her rescue scene. I do kind of like that she played a big part in saving herself, because she is nothing if not strong and capable. However. . .Aelin was so convinced that no one was coming for her and had given so much for so long that I kind of wanted to see everyone prove her wrong. The dramatic side of me wanted a dramatic rescue scene. Also, if Maeve didn’t want her to have any chance of escaping, she shouldn’t have had the healers stop her muscles from atrophying. I know she wanted her strong to be her weapon, but that just seems like too much of a risk while she’s in captivity. If the healers can do that creepy shit with her skin where all her scars are gone, I’m sure they could have fixed her muscles in the exact moment Maeve needed them to.

I don’t know who was more hysterical in the “Take it off” scene. . .Aelin or me.

I felt the loss of her scars deeply!!! I was kind of surprised at how much. I don’t think that’s really weird because I think she did too. Yes, most of them signified horrible things that she went through, but they were a part of her. They showed that she was a survivor. The whole thing with the tattoos Rowan put on her over her whipping scars, and the promise thing on her hand to Nehemia. . .there was so much emotion and a story behind so many of them. It was extremely strange to think of her without them. The PTSD aside, I don’t blame her for not feeling like herself for a while.

Ultimately, I feel like in this book, Aelin became the perfect balance of herself. Watching her come back into herself, and become this wise, powerful, humble, strong queen was incredible. She’s learned to rely more on others and has both softened and hardened around the edges. She’s always been amazing and strong, but in this book I really felt like I was reading about a rightful and deserving queen of an entire nation. She’ll always have self-sacrificing tendencies, because that’s just who she is (I think it’s like a cardinal rule that main protagonists have to have this problem), but I really enjoyed seeing her express how grateful she was for everyone who played a part in their journey.

Going into this, I didn’t even begin to try and guess how the whole “The Queen Who Was Promised” thing would be resolved. The only thing I was 10000000000% confident on was the fact that Aelin was not going to actually die in this book. I had no fear regarding that. Now, that doesn’t mean I didn’t think a lot of awful and heartbreaking shit was going to go down before we got there (And boy, did it). I had no better solution to offer to fix the problem of Brannon/Mala’s descendent having to offer their life. I didn’t think it would be some dumb loophole like Dorian’s brother (wtf happened to him anyway??), but I couldn’t think of anything else. I know Aelin kind of took it upon herself to be her problem (which she tends to do) but I really agreed with Dorian whenever he pointed out that it was just as much his burden as it was hers. . .at least by the point they were at. I obviously love Dorian, so I didn’t WANT it to be, but you couldn’t really argue his logic. When they came up with the idea of both of them going to forge the Lock, so probably/maybe/hopefully it would only need to take half of each of them, I was like. . .It’s too easy. Something else has to go wrong.

What I can tell you I NEVER would have guessed is the freaking King of Adarlan popping up out of nowhere. 

LOL when he was like “Let me do this. Let me finish this.” I was like YEP, SURE, TAKE IT, BYE. COME ON GUYS, LET’S GO. But of course Aelin has to question it. If it were me I’d be like Sounds awesome, see ya!!!!!!!!!!

And then he’s all “Nameless is my price. . .EXACTLY kids, what’s my name???” and I’m like

Wasn’t this. . .a fandom joke??? This is really what’s happening??? I mean sure, okay, I’m glad it’s not one of them but I seriously can not believe this is where we’re going with this. I always thought the fact that he didn’t have a name made him ten times creepier. I didn’t think it actually meant anything, I just thought it was for dramatic effect. . .the King of Hybern in ACOTAR doesn’t have one either.

But okay, here’s the problem I have with this. While this is all fine and dandy that he’s actually a decent caring person who’s just been possessed this whole time and wants to help them. . .he’s already dead. How does this count?? I thought this whole thing was that someone had to sacrifice their life. He just pops up as a dead spirit and volunteers for it to be him. Like dude, I appreciate the gesture, but why would this be considered the same thing as Aelin or Dorian or even freaking Hollin doing it?? I swear, I’ve wracked my brains over this forever and still can’t make sense of it.

The one thing I was honestly bummed about with this scene was the fact that Aelin never got to see any of her beloved dead. I thought when this Lock forging business was going on, we were going to get a scene like in Deathly Hallows, where Aelin somehow gets to see the people she loves who have died. I thought she was going to see her parents and Nehemia and Sam and they’d tell her they loved her but she had to go back because her life wasn’t over yet. It’s probably good that that didn’t happen. The little message the King gave her was bad enough. This probably would have been too much for me to handle.

Ok, now first of all fuck all of these gods. Good riddance to all of them. I know what Elena did was a giant mistake, but her intentions were good and completely obliterating her like that so her loved ones would never see her in the Afterlife is really harsh. Although I found it kind of hilarious that after ALL THAT STRIFE to get to the damn point where we were at, which had the end goal ALL ALONG of getting Erawan banished, Aelin decided to bargain for Elena’s soul instead, I still thought Elena deserved some forgiveness and a reprieve. So when the gods went all

evaporated her anyway AND left without taking Erawan I was like 

GOOD RIDDANCE TO ALL OF THEM. And man, poor Elena. Poor Gavin. They really got a raw deal for their ending.

After this, she gets saved last minute by Mala because of what she tried to do for Elena. Awesome. But part of me is like. . .if there was a way for this to be possible all along, why didn’t we just do this in the first place, Mala??? You think this girl who has already suffered so much deserved to die for this?? You couldn’t have thrown her a bone a little earlier?? It all worked out, so whatever, I guess. And I loved how there was that emphasis placed on her heart leading her back home, how it connected to her mom saying her heart would always be the strongest part of her, no matter what. That one got me right in the emotions.

And then Aelin gets sent hurtling on her little inner-dimension joyride and WHO DOES SHE COME ACROSS???????!!!?? RHYS AND FEYRE ARE IN THRONE OF GLASS NOW, ARE THEY SARAH!?!!!?! HEAVILY PREGNANT FEYRE IS IN THRONE OF GLASS, IS SHE?!?!??!!?!

I had a mild aneurysm reading this scene. I know most of you did too.

(Have to take a second and remark over the fact that even as Aelin is in high distress, being thrown through multiple worlds and dimensions, she pauses and remarks over how Rhys is “beautiful beyond reason”. . .classic Sarah. She literally can’t even help herself).

I think it was fitting that what Aelin ended up sacrificing and losing was her Firebringer gift. That was honestly just too much power for one person to handle and I feel like it would have continued to cause more problems that it solved, especially with her being immortal. Look how far Maeve went to gain control over her and use her as a weapon. I’m sure many others would attempt the same thing over the course of her immortal life.

And as far as her losing the human side of her goes. . .to me, that was more of a symbolic loss than one that physically hurt and we felt the absence of. When was the last time she even assumed her human form? I already thought of her as pretty much completely fae at this point, so it wasn’t something I felt a gaping loss over. I get the symbolism behind it though, and understand that Aelin probably feels it way more than I do.

I loved the happy ending that Aelin got. I loved seeing her charge into Orynth on the Lord of the North. I loved that she faced Erawan and Maeve without her Firebringer gift and still came out on top (it was so reminiscent of Book 1 Aelin, who I fell in love with). I loved that she gained the support of the lords because they’re softies for Evangeline like everyone else in the world is. I loved seeing her finally be crowned Queen of Terrasen. I sobbed throughout her entire coronation. You know what else I absolutely wept through?????

She felt as if she had been crying without end for minutes now.

Yet this parting, this final farewell. . .

Aelin looked at Chaol and Dorian and sobbed. Opened her arms to them, and wept as they held each other.

“I love you both,” she whispered. “And no matter what may happen, no matter how far we may be, that will never change.”

“We’ll see you again,” Chaol said, but even his voice was thick with tears.

“Together,” Dorian breathed, shaking. “We’ll rebuild this world together.”

She couldn’t stand it, this ache in her chest. But she made herself pull away and smile at their tear-streaked faces, a hand on her heart. “Thank you for all you have done for me.”

If there’s one thing that gets me in a series, it’s nostalgia for earlier books. Seeing the three of them standing here like this, after all the pain all of them went through, looking at where they are now and how much they all love each other. . .I could not handle my emotions.

I guess there’s really not much else to talk about. I know there will be little things that I think of here and there, probably for a long long time. . .like I said, there was SO MUCH in this book that consuming it all was overwhelming. As much as there was, like always with the end of a series, somehow it wasn’t enough. I still want to read about Aelin’s long-awaited rule over Terrasen, how Dorian and Manon heal from their losses, find inner peace, and take their place as leaders. I want to know about Fenrys and what his future holds, how Evangeline grows up and becomes a force to be reckoned with, about Chaol and Yrene’s baby, and Lorcan and Elide, and every wonderful person I’ve come to know in this series. This characters have come to mean so much to me and will always hold an extremely special place in my heart. I’m so grateful to have gotten to meet them through these books and am so proud of the people they have all become. They lit up my darkness in a time that I needed it.

So I’ll dry my tears. And I’ll be grateful.

Until we meet again xx.

Christmas Rivals.

Authors Note: Character: Y/N and Character: Harry, sworn enemies, are chosen to prepare the company Christmas Party.

Rated M for mature audiences.

Warning: minor smut & swearing.

Prompt found HERE.

Harry Styles, the company's most valued asset, most popular, and best looking, if you challenge everyone who works in the company. If you ask me, he is the most vexatious, obnoxious, man I have come across. I will give him credit though— he is fucking hot. But, putting aside his incredibly good appearances, the grey eyes, and that cocky grin that can bring any woman to their knees, he has this thing about him that I can not stand. The feeling is mutual between us, he doesn't have the most righteous view on me, and he doesn't attempt to deny or suppress things at this point.

My day started off treacherous, we could say. If the freezing weather and compilation of snow weren't enough to put me in a god-awful mood, my lack of coffee was sure to do it. Of course, though, Harry was as felicitous as anything, very chirper and giggly this morning with his bright-eyed smile, perfectly adjusted suit and tie, not to mention his hair.

Oh god, the hair.

It's when he swaggers into in my office with a grim expression that I am caught off guard. He never steps foot in my office and I never step foot in his, it is unknown territory for the both of us.

"Did you get lost?" I snarkily question as I extract my eyes away from the laptop screen, my fingers immediately springing to pat against my desk.

He rolls his eyes, unamused as he strides closer to my desk while his gimlet eyes take note of my office, not that it is at all entertaining. "I only wish," he sighs heavily, "I am assuming you have yet to be informed?" He questions as his eyes stare into me deeply, cutting me at my edge as I feel a sudden hum in my veins.

I clear my throat and disregard the piercing grey eyes, "Yet to be informed of what?" I challenge with an unamused expression. I have not been informed of anything today besides the fact I am presumed to buy yet another fashionable dress to wear to the Christmas Gala that my boss hosts to advertise his ego. I, for one, can not stand the business gatherings, they are forced and fake. Nobody really appreciates them, the boss has a shocking taste with setups and decorations, not to mention the appetizers and desserts he supplies are nevermore delightful.

Harry's forehead puckers and I raise a brow, waiting for him to acquaint me with what it is he is standing in front of me for. Not that I am mourning too much, he is moderately intriguing to observe. "The boss has designated two people to organize his ludicrous excuse of a Christmas business party."

Thank the heavens, finally, maybe this year it won't be so damn boring.

I give him a lacklustre smile, "Yeah, don't grin too much, we are the designated individuals." The moment the words leave his lush lips and comprehend through my mind, my smile congealed and melts to horror.

I stare at Harry, the man I am meant to cooperate with to help with a Christmas party. "You have to be fooling me," my lips screw into irritation. There is no way Harry and I, will manage to survive working together. We can't be left together for more than five minutes without one of us making it known we can't stand each other... His five minutes is about up in my office.

"Do you think I would come in here just to joke? I am not that bored, quite know you can't take a joke," he comments and I roll my eyes at him, "It is tomorrow so we will have to work on it tonight."

"What if I say no?" I cross my arms over my chest as my mind wonders on the many different excuses I can come up with to wiggle my way out of this.

Harry huffs and glances up at the ceiling for a moment, "Well, you can cock your brow and cross your arms over your chest as much as you want, but you have no choice." Harry's voice is austere and full of annoyance, time ticking very thinly as his eyes beam into me.

"I am not working with you," I shake my head, "You're an inconsiderate ass. No."

"Take it up with the boss, trust me, I don't want to work with you anymore you want to work with me. But, there is a Christmas bonus of an extra 4,000 pounds."

"4,000 pounds?" I gasp and he nods, "Fine, but only because I need the money," I mutter to my own distaste.

"Mhm.. I will come back at eight. Try down some coffee by then, you're a grouch without coffee."

"Get fucked,"

He gives me a cocky wink, "Maybe later, love." I roll my eyes at him as I gesture for him to use the door and leave.

*** ***

I smile to myself as my fingers wrap around a glass of champagne, clients, and coworkers around me delighted by everything that Harry and I managed to place together. Despite our bickering at certain times, we did a genuine job on the place. I can't say that we see eye to eye on a lot of things because quite frankly, we are polar opposites with diverse tastes, but I do have to admit that we did pull it all off. It was much simpler once we both got over our pride and resentment towards each other. We managed to get through it all with minimum banter and remarks.

I glance around in an attempt to discover who I want to talk to, most of the time I stay by the bar and let people come to me, mainly because these events tend to be a bust when my boss organises them, but tonight everyone is legitimately relishing themselves and the scene.

My eyes land on him the arrogant yet somewhat charming man I haven't managed to get a break from in the last two days.

Ever notice that some guys just own the room the second that they stride in with such poise? There’s a certain energy that some men draw to a room that has everyone lift their heads and stare. That is Harry, he saunters into a room and immediately the spirits always seem to emanate, the smiles widen, the eyes gleam to him. Harry just dominates the region, his presence can periodically be sensed. At least, Harry's presence can evermore be sensed by myself.

I perceive the energy in the room rise at a high peak, the room feeling brilliant and full of more spirit the moment he enters. If I didn't know better, I would say he was the charming one everyone loves, but he isn't that charming, it is more of a forged impression, a  brightest full-face smile that has everyone locked into him. He works his ways, he works for the crowd, to say the least. He knows what he is doing and he is good at it, probably one of the reasons why he works at the firm and is considered successful.

I make my rounds around, making small talk with colleagues, meeting their significant others and constantly smiling politely and shaking my head when they interrogate me about my not so existent love life. It is somewhat amusing to observe their faces drop when I announce that I am single and have been for a while.

My last relationship was definitely one for the books, my ex really closed me off to the dating world in a sense. He showed me that even when you think you know someone, you really don't. Although he shattered my heart into more pieces than I thought was ever imaginable— he did teach me one thing— how to put up a substantial barricade to shield myself from others. He made me fall in love with him in such a cruel way, slowly, but surely. When he had me wrapped around his finger in what I thought was love, he showed me what it was like to trust someone with your heart, to have them hold it in their hands and compress it to its breaking point. The night he proposed to me was the same night I found out about his mistresses, yes mistresses. He didn't have just one, he had two on the side. While I thought he was in love with me and away on business, he was flying with extra benefits. Since then, I haven't dated or even thought much about dating.

I politely smile while in a small group of colleagues who are overly enthusiastic about the Christmas spirit and holidays, I think they might start singing Christmas Carol's pretty soon. Lord help me if they do.

I don't care about their bright spirit or the fact they admire the effort that I put into the decorations, mainly because it was all Harry who did the effort with the Christmas decorations. I was absolutely fine with throwing tinsel around in random places and calling it day, but he, on the other hand, preferred to make it resemble Christmas fucking galore in here— which is fine— but not for conversation.

My eyes dance around and greet Harry's, a sudden humming in my blood forcing me to glance away from his gaze as his lips touch the rim of his drink. I try my best to not allow my eyes to wander towards him, but for some reason, they stubbornly keep scouring and finding him. He cocks his lips into a small grin as he raises a brow and begins to saunter over here with those hips rolling and undulating.

Fuck.

Of course, at the sight of his appearance and him taking my side, the entire group of colleagues welcomes him enthusiastically like he is a worshipped Greek God of some sort. He clears his throat and his voice sends my nerves into a radiating mayhem as I hear him speak. He sounds so, attractive... Maybe it is the champagne thinking and deluding what my sober self would think.

"Do you mind if I steal this one for a moment, it seems we have an issue with the bartender she hired." The colleagues hold onto every word as they descend from his lips and they all nod simultaneously like compelled humans hailing their leader. I don't know what he does or how he does it, but damn, he can work his way with anyone and do it in a nice manner.

He tenderly draws me away and leads me to the bar, "Jack and Coke on the rocks and whatever the lady would like," Harry orders as he rests one arm on the edge of the bar while cocking his head to me,

"I'll have the same," I respond, catching Harry off guard as he raises a brow, "Is there a problem?"

"No," he shakes his head.

I arch a sly brow, "You brought me over here for a drink?"

"I thought I'd save you from the prying eyes of those mates of yours, you seemed bored and in desperate need," Harry informs me, surprising me that he actually caught a note of my expression.

"Oh, wow. You actually regard me."

He gives me a cocky wink and confident smile, charming me for a split second. I disregard his charm the moment he opens his mouth to speak."Don't be flattered, you're not special."

"But you are a dick with an ego who charms everyone."

He tilts his head to one side while listening. "Everyone, including you." Harry proudly comments, seeming cocky and confident.

I shake my head, "it takes a lot more than that to impress me," I respond as I press my fingers to curl around my class and take a drink.

"You're remarkably entertaining to communicate to but you certainly have to do more than just stand there attractively to impress me. I need to be wowed!" Harry responds after finishing his drink and pressing his glass to the counter.

I tilt my head back with laughter, "No ... You have it wrong. You need to wow me." I shake my head as Harry turns to face me and I cock my head up to gaze at him, taking note of how impressive his eyes sincerely resemble, despite his personality, he is fucking hot, notably in a suit and tie.

'Oh, the things I would like to do with that tie.'

"We're too similar. We'd never get along. So, I can't 'wow' you."

"Why?" I curiously challenge, just wanting to see where the conversation can lead. I don't really care much if we can get along or not, I am just relishing the quality of his voice and his excellent appearances right now. Definitely, the alcohol playing a toll on me.

Harry shrugs, narrowing his eyes onto me, "Because we'd never have anything significant to argue about. So we'd have to make up petty little things to argue about... And I'd always win." Harry's cocky demeanour aggravates me and turns me on at the same time.

He is just so poised with always being correct.

I shake my head, there is no way he would eternally triumph, "No you wouldn't."

"Yes, I would."

"No."

He hums, "You see, we're arguing right now... And you commenced it."

"No, I didn't. You did."

He rolls his shoulders back into a shrug, "Hey, but at least we'd have ideal make-up sex."

I tenderly swat his arm at his remark, "Bold, Styles. Very bold," My words come off as a mutter more than anything.

"Charming, some would say," Harry cockily winks and flashes me that fearless grin, again.

"Don't flatter yourself, you're not special," I respond, using his own words against him as I press my elbow on the bar top and rest my cheek in the palm of my hand.

He lets out a small humph before he leans closer, "Oh, but I am, and you know it." His breath hits the tip of my bare skin and transfers shivers down my back.

‘Oh, boy, do I fucking no it.’

I clear my throat and offer him my sweet smile, I step a little closer caressing my lips to the edge of his ear, well aware of what I’m doing, “don’t get overly confident.” I whisper before I step away.

I clasp my drink with my hands before I nonchalantly wander away from him. I glance over my shoulder and smirk as I observe him staring with a devilish grin painted across his face.

I find myself entangling myself with many different conversations, purposely dancing around Harry and his prying eyes, it’s like they’re always watching and undressing me as he lingers around. I’m not saying I don’t like it because I do.

While Harry watches me intently as he attempts to converse in conversation with some of the richer folks invited tonight, I manage to shift a few strands of her behind my ear and laugh a little louder to purposely grasp his attention and indeed, I do. Nobody can blame me for luring him into my corner— look at him— he’s a sight for sore eyes, a work of art, you could say. If only his personality wasn’t so damn irritating.

Harry makes his way over to my small group, yet again, and benevolently caresses his hand to my arm, “okay, look, we have to go,” he whispers in a tone that makes me weak at my knees, I give him a tender smile and compose my thoughts.

“No,” I bluntly respond, shooting him down. I know what he’s thinking, I can see it in the eye. Fuck, it’s plastered all throughout my eyes too, but I can’t give in. Not that easily. “I’m busy,” I whisper, gently nudging him back towards his friends or clients, whatever the hell they are. My eyes watch him and he glances over at me, licking his lips before I roll my eyes and go back to my conversation.

I’ve never quite understood how people can be so cheery and entertained by the festivities of Christmas, maybe my spirit burned out quicker than it should have.

When Harry first beamed and advocated for all these ornaments, I put up a bit of a fight against them, mainly because I can only handle so much Holiday disposition before I feel like it’s an overload. He persisted and wasn’t going to give up on the decorations and the festivities, for what reason, I do not know. He seemed like a literal kid at Christmas who just craved to observe the light shine in everyone’s eyes at the feel of Christmas spirit being spread across everyone.

I cock my head to the side and come to terms with just how much effort the cocky guy put into all this, just to see everyone’s eyes kindle for the night, quite frankly, it intrigues me.

My eyes dance around the room and cast themselves on the only man that appears to seize my attention in the room, in a sea of business-attired men, he by far, is the most desirable. I can’t help it anymore, there’s a verve burning in me and it’s not dwindling anytime soon.

I excuse myself from my modest assembly and execute my way towards Harry surrounded by men. The gentlemen all glance at me, eying me up and down, not being discreet in the slightest. I disregard them and clasp my hand to Harry’s arm in the same way he did mine. He clears his throat as my heart hammers in my chest, my nerves pulsating rapidly as I abruptly feel lost for words, “sorry to interrupt,” I mutter, “but I need you for a minute, gentlemen, do you mind?” I politely ask, not really wanting their approval but more so just trying not to sound like a bitch.

Harry and I step away and he gazes at me with his lip between his teeth, “can we go?” I softly challenge and he raises a brow.

“Ah, so you like to play hard to get?”

“Did you want me to make it harder?” I respond, my eyes focused on his pink lips and that tie around his neck that is driving me insane.

“Depends on what you’re making harder,” he winks and my eyes grow wide at his remark. Shameless, literally shameless. “C’mon, let’s go.” He gestures towards the comprehensive entries across the room before we find ourselves slithering in and out of people and doing our best to reach the doors without drawing too much attention to ourselves.

The moment we reach the Golden Arches I feel a sigh of relief escape my lips, it felt like we were constantly stuck in a sea of prying associates.

“And where are you two going?” A familiar voice catches me off guard and we both stop and turn around to view our boss. He stares at the two of us and adjusts his tie while awaiting our answer.

Trust him to be the one to be a cock block.

My mind scrambles with one hundred different circumstances to respond, but before I can even think of one, Harry’s voice sounds beside me.

“Y/N isn’t feeling too well, I was just taking her home, sir,” Harry answers the question, of course using that charm of his that undoubtedly is overused.

Our boss frowns for a moment, “you two don’t even like each other.” He’s expeditious to point out our rivalry and banter that seems to travel through the firm. Our boss is swift to remember Harry and me despising each other, but not so quick to remember he still owes me overtime from my last pay.

“Just at work, we don’t get along.” I intervene, wanting to get out of here as promptly as possible. “I’m really not feeling too well, do you mind if we leave?” I bat my eyes to the best of my ability to play the innocent, unwell, woman of the night.

He gives us a nod, “good luck with the roads, it’s terrible out there with the snow, be careful… feel better soon.” He dismisses the two of us and sends us on our way.

The moment Harry and I step outside I feel the intense cold of the typical London weather at this time of year. “Christ, it’s bloody freezing. Where the fuck is your coat?” Harry asks as he instantly takes off his jacket and places it on my shoulders to shield my bare shoulders from the frigid cold.

Sometimes a bulky coat doesn’t go with my dresses, plus I didn’t need one when getting out of the cab and hurrying inside the venue. That’s all I have to say on the matter.

“Didn’t go with my dress,”

“You’re a character, I swear.” Harry murmurs, “my car is right up here, watch your bloody step,” he grasps me with his hands, “for Christ sake, why don’t you just wander straight over Ice?”

“Quit distracting me or I just might.” I mumble, “but thank you,” I softly appreciate him being observant enough to see what I wasn’t paying attention to.

“You’re welcome, kinda want you in one piece,” Harry gingerly wraps an arm around me as we walk, tension building silently and subtly between us. “Here, Love.” Harry stops me in front of a Range Rover that seems like it’s brand new, not one dent or scratch to be seen. These things aren’t cheap, that’s for sure.

He unlocks his car and opens the door for me and making sure I step inside with ease.

The drive from the venue to a hotel wasn’t as grave as I thought, turns out, Harry and I desire the same sort of music and that kept us talking the entire drive to the hotel. Neither of us wanted him driving in this atrocious weather.

Harry gives me a small smile as we walk the lengthy hallway of the hotel, both of our eyes in search for the one particular number, 112. “Ah, here it is, love.” He stops in his tracks and slides the room key to unlock the door, he pushes the door open and gestures his arm forward, “after you.” Wow, he’s hot and a gentlemen. I’m intrigued, even though I really shouldn’t be. Then again, I shouldn’t be in a hotel room with him and yet, here I am. Oh well. I step into the warm hotel room, subtly taking a look around as the door closes behind me and I hear the room key press against the table. Before I can turn around, I feel Harry’s hands gently sliding his jacket away from my shoulders, his small move already sending a sweet shiver down my back. I turn around to face him and my eyes observing the beautiful grin that is painted on the delicate lips I desperately want to kiss. He leans closer and brushed his plump lips against mine in a teasing manner, “May I?” His voice whispers delicately, almost sending me into a crazy frenzy. Just fucking kiss me. I give him a hummed response, granting him permission to kiss me. Then he does. He kisses me. It’s a slow and steady pace as we learn how our tongues work with each other, the two of us tasting the walls and taking advantage of the slowness. His hands gently press to the small of my back and I caress my hands to rest in the crook of his neck. Our body heat begins to rise and I feel an aching tension intensifying between us. A bold caress of his tongue sends me wanting to fall at my knees. Damn, he’s good and he hasn’t done anything but taste the walls of my mouth. My hands move from his neck and begin to feel the thin material of his button up, his body protruding through the material, giving me a sneak peek to what my brazen hands can expect when the material is waddled up on the bedroom floor. My finger tips stumble their way to his tie and for a minute, I feel my heart skip a beat and a small moan escape his breathless lips. He parts our lips and resorts to pressing sweet kisses on my neck. I unravel the tie and allow it to fall from the tips of my fingers to the floor before my brazen hands begin to unbutton his shirt, slowly and teasingly. The touch of his lips on my skin is like no other, they’re delicate and sweet with just enough emotion in them to keep me wanting more. The second the buttons are undone, I push the shirt down his shoulders and expose his beautiful body to my lustful eyes. He really is a masterpiece under the shirt, fuck. I gulp and take a breath, pulling me back to reality as I step out of my heels, his hands becoming antsy as they finally leave their position in the small of my back and take a grab at my behind. He connects the two of us with his lips, again, and with another squeeze of my ass that has been craving his attention, like the rest of me, he hoists me up and my legs wrap around his torso. He escorts us towards the bed as I envelop my arms around his neck and take advantage of the slower paced kissing that pulls our bodies closer and rises our body heat with every passing moment. He sits on the edge of the bed and I find myself straddling him, his hard length bulging against me through his pants.

The tips of my fingers fail to resist themselves and travel around his body of perfect plains and abs, my hands feeling every single inch of his torso.

I know I shouldn’t want to take part in what’s happening between us, but every inch of me wants to feel every inch of him. The fact that we are work rivals makes it even hotter and frowned upon, but I can’t help myself… staring at him with lustful eyes is like waking up on Christmas morning to find the tree with piles of presents— exhilarating and fulfilling.

(I’m not too good with writing actual smut so I’m leaving it to the reader to imagine how they see the night ending). Xx

Smokey brand Reviews: True North

The Golden Compass sucks. i saw that wet fart when i was younger, on a whim, and was thoroughly disappointed. Sh*t didn’t make a lick of sense to me. That film was my first introduction to the His Dark Materials and it soured me on the entire franchise. Like most of the movie-going crowd because it flopped like a fat man into a public pool. The thing abut that movie is that it felt like another entry into the Narnia Chronicles, and abhor that franchise. I’ve hated them since i was forced to read them when i was in the third grade. They were terrible, and that was before i become aggressively areligious. Afterward? Bro. Suffice it to say, when the BBC adaption was announced, it was hard pass for me. And then my mom got HBOMax.

I was seeing a ton of ads for season two, a strong focus on Lyra and John Parry. Th more i saw of those Youtube ads, i don’t watch television anymore, the more i became intrigued. Eventually, i bit the bullet and did some research on he show, itself. Yo, i was SO glad i opted to give this thing a chance. The cast was amazing. the principal characters, all some of my favorite actors but, more than that, the plot was mad intriguing. It was so clever and unique and so far removed from Narnia wank, it could be considered anti-Narnia almost. How the f*ck did that movie get so much wrong? Suffice it to say, i gorged on that first season like a fat kid gorges chocolate cake. I finished it last night and these are my impressions.

The Outstanding

First and foremost, i absolutely have to praise Dafne Keen in this, man. She is Lyra Silvertongue, heroine and main character of the entire Dark Materials series. This success of this show rests on the shoulders of the then fourteen year old and she carries that sh*t like a champ. There is a wit and wisdom that Lyra carries which belies her age and Keen taps into that effortlessly. She played Laura Kinney in Logan a few years back, keeping pace with Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, so i knew she was skilled in her craft but i never imagined she’s be able to carry such demanding fair, so early in her career. I’d say she was the best thing about this show but that’s not really true. The level of quality in this thing is just that profound.

Ruth Wilson plays Marisa Coulter, Lyra’s mother, and, holy sh*t, is she incredible in the roll. Look, i love Wilson, even when she is in less than quality productions like The Affair. That show was bogus. What wasn’t bogus was her stint as Alice Morgan on Luther. I absolutely fell in love with her on that show and Ms. Coulter gives me all of the Alice vibes, just far more cruel. If Alice was calculating and aloof, the Coulter is deceitfully cruel and i love every second of it. You can tell there is a sadistic streak, straight up wrath, just below the surface and Wilson captures that skin deep veneer in a gently terrifying manner.

James McAvoy comes through and delivers yet again with his detached and insidious Lord Asriel Belacqua. It’s always a pleasure seeing this man do his job and, admittedly, he’s not in this first season much but the time that he is, McAvoy dominates. This is a desperate, desperate, man who knows he is right and will do anything to accomplish his goal. This single-minded drive reminds me so much of Sosuke Aizen from BLEACH and, like Aizen, Lord Asriel literally threw away everything to achieve that goal. It’s wild seeing Professor X go full Magneto and love it!

Line-Manuel Miranda is in this as the snarky Lee Scoresby, Texan Aeronaut, extraordinaire. Look, Manuel is a brilliant artist, i can’t take that away from him. He’s exceptional in Hamilton and on the stage but that’s a completely different skill set. There is a way you have to perform, to project, on stage that doesn’t translate to film and Manuel is still trying to get a handle on that. He’s not terrible in this role, mind you, but he’s just serviceable. However, the chemistry he has with Keen is something special. You can tell they get along strongly and that genuine interactions shines through in their performances together.

The rest of the cast is just as strong, specifically Kit Connor and Joe Tandberg as Pantalaimon and Lorek Brynison, respectively. Ariyon Bakare, Clarke Peters, Anne-Marie Duff, Lucian Msmati, Amir Wilson, Ruta Gedmintas, Will Keen, and Lewin Lloyd all turn in incredibly strong performances, for what they were given. A lot of these characters deserved a bit more screen time, a bit more fleshing out, but i am okay with what we did receive. This ain’t their story, it’s Lyra’s.

I just need to take some time and praise this show for how properly gorgeous it is. I mean, the level of production on this thing is rather profound, you knew that in the opening scene during the flood, but moreso as the world begins to expand. I know a lot of this stuff is filmed on sets and what not but, my goodness, are they elaborate and detailed. That whole arctic run was brilliant. It’s particularly intriguing when you understand how well the CG effects were used in regards to budget. The whole “show don’t tell’ adage definitely comes into effect for this serial and it’s all the better for it.

I am absolutely in love with the narrative, man. Never mind the actual plot in the books, the adaption presented is one of the best I've seen in a long a while. My goodness, the world being built is so enthralling, so captivating, i hate that i slept on this show, this series, for so long. I understand that this is one interpretation of the novel events but I'm still infatuated with every second of it.

The writing in this show is on point, for sure. It feels organic, it feels real. I know this is a series of books, decades old, but that goes a long way to proving the pedigree of this adaption. This doesn’t feel out of place or trite or try hard. It works beautifully, except for when Manuel is delivering dialogue outside of his scenes with Keen, and that is a real joy to watch.

There is a distinct focus on diversity displayed throughout this show so far and i love it. This is a reflection of the world in real time and more, big budget, shows need to show this reality. The difference between this and, say, Disney Star Wars or current Doctor Who, is the fact none of the representation in Materials feels forced. It feels organic, intrinsic to a story about entire worlds. You need this level of diversity for this story to be taken even remotely seriously in the modern day and i commend the production for handling this so well.

The Okay

I’ve never read the books so i can only judge this thing on what i glean from the wiki and what i see in the show. While i am completely smitten with what has been resented, the show feels like an abridged version of what we get in the books. I know for all adaptions that’s true but this feels like a legit highlight real of the greatest hits. I can’t say for sure but the adapted screenplay feels like it’s trying to load up on plot as much as possible, in as short a time as possible. Makes for an interesting view but, as a cat who understands storytelling, it feels like a patchwork of content.

This thing has some pretty brisk pacing. Again, i don’t know from where this first series is adapted but it definitely feels like they were in kind of a hurry to get. I mean, it really doesn’t but once sh*t gets started, it never looks back at all. It feels like that, at certain times, we should have definitely sent more time on an interaction or with a relationship. Lyra’s time in the Magisterial and Bolivar, particularly, seems rushed to me.

It’s uncomfortable how many times they make Dafne get naked. Obviously, they don’t show anything and it’s all inferred but, like, gross.

The Verdict

I loved this show, man. Absolutely adored every second of it. The BBC, when it really wants to, can produce some brilliant film. Luther, Sherlock, War of the Worlds, are all favorites and now His Dark Materials can be confidently added to that list. This show is gorgeous to watch, the production values on full display. Sweeping cinematic vistas both real and composite, permeate this rather cleverly effect heavy adaption. The performances, alone are enough to keep you coming back for more but this is, genuinely, one of the most gorgeous shows I've ever seen. Speaking of performances, everyone is excellent but the anchor is definitely Dafne Keen. Her Lyra Silvertongue is the linchpin of this entire show and she bares that weight brilliantly. I forget sometimes that she’s only fifteen, especially considering the talent she with whom she shares the screen. Ruth Wilson, James McAvoy, and Lin-Manuel Miranda all have capitol roles in this first season and they relish their time on camera, especially Wilson. I’ve been a fan of hers since that brilliant run on Luther as Alice Morgan so seeing her, here, has been giving me the best type of deja vu. His Dark Materials is f*cking outstanding, man. I can gush about this thing ad nauseam but this essay would definitely turn into a novel and no one wants that. If you have HBOMax, definitely give this a go. It’s one of the best shows out, has a full eight hours to binge in season one, and another four, so far, in season two. Sh*t is dope and i highly recommend a proper watch.

December is for Star Wars.

At least that's what I decided at the end of 2015 after watching The Force Awakens, a movie that re-kindled a love and passion that had been dormant since my teenage years. I went back to the theater three more times. I left each showing feeling like a kid, in the best of ways. I was, at almost thirty years old, Star Wars trash once again -- a label that I happily and readily accepted. I began to consume more SW-related pop culture. I started watching Star Wars Rebels, which in time I came to realize captures the spirit of the original trilogy better than almost anything else. I started reading some of the comics being put out by Marvel at the time, chiefly Kieron Gillen's Darth Vader run, a brilliant piece of storytelling on its own. Then I started to explore some of the books set in the Star Wars universe. 

The trash of the thing.

The first SW book I ever read was Claudia Gray's Lost Stars. My expectations were low: Star Wars is such a visually rich setting, after all, and I had doubts as to how well it would translate to the written word. If anything, I only expected a fun romp through the Star Wars universe. I certainly didn't expect it to be an arresting and heart-wrenching piece of fiction. But it turned out to be both. I loved it enough that it was the first book I picked as a favorite read for last year. And I loved Gray's writing enough that I would eagerly pick up whatever she wrote for the expanded universe next. The fact that this happened to be a story that focused on Leia increased my interested only by a hell of a lot.

Bloodline features and older, wiser, slightly weary Leia, still serving in her function as a Senator for the New Republic. At the beginning of the story, tired of all the ceremony and hypocrisy of politics, she's determined to retire from it all, but not before engaging in one last diplomatic mission which she hopes will do some actual, genuine good for the galaxy -- not to mention serve as one final adventure. That this adventure should prove to uncover a vast and deep conspiracy that threatens not only her personal safety and reputation but the fate of the entire galaxy should really come as no big surprise -- this is a Star Wars story, after all.

Gray's portrayal of Leia is beautifully nuanced, and balances the political and personal aspects of the character with grace and aplomb. This is a Leia that is a brilliant and savvy politician, as well as a bad-ass who knows how to handle a blaster and is ready to throw down at a moment’s notice.

Leia lifted her blaster, losing her sights on Rinnrivin’s guard — and targeting the central strut of the tunnel support directly overhead. One bolt held the entire thing together. That bolt was no larger than a child’s fist. At this range, in semi-darkness, perhaps one shot in a thousand might be capable of destroying that bolt. But Leia made the shot.

In short, the very same Leia that we all know and love. The same Leia that the late, great Carrie Fisher brought to life. Gray's capable prose does her more than enough justice.

The story is made all the more interesting by the fact that it deals heavily with politics, something that the prequels tried to do with very mixed and muddy results. It’s one of the more fascinating aspects in Bloodline however, and the intrigue and West Wing-like drama of it all carries the story through. That the political landscape of the novel happens to look very much like our own just adds a more surreal and slightly ominous layer to it all. 

Gray has gone on record to say that Bloodline wasn’t written as commentary, but it's pretty hard, especially after the events of last November, not to view the story as a reflection of our current reality. Part of the reason that Leia wants to retire has to do with the Senate devolving into a two-party system -- parties that are themselves fragmented into conflicting fractions. She laments how "every debate on the Senate floor turns into an endless argument over ‘tone’ or ‘form’ and never about issues of substance." And try to read this bit of dialogue and tell me it doesn't sound like something you’d find on a recent think piece.

“Surely you won’t deny the New Republic is committing mistakes of its own.”

“Not the evils of tyranny and control.”

“No. The evils of absence and neglect.”

And, of course, there’s the now viral quote at the close of the book that has gained new relevance in light of yesterday's marches:

“The sun is setting on the New Republic," Leia said. "It's time for the Resistance to rise.”

Indeed. 

Bloodline is both a brilliant character portrait and relevant social commentary. Claudia Gray can write Star Wars like no other and I will read anything she writes in this universe.

After dealing with the heady but heavy themes of Bloodline however, I figured I was due some for some warmth and comfort. At which point I usually turn to a Rainbow Rowell book.

I love Rainbow Rowell. I love her quirky and clever and passionate writing (if there was a book equivalent to Gilmore Girls, it would be a Rowell book). I love her amazing and uncanny ability to make you fall for a character in almost no time at all.

This same talent is brilliantly showcased in Kindred Spirits, a slim novella that, over the course of sixty-two pages, manages to have more character development than most sprawling, brick-sized novels.

It's an unfair gift, really.

This is a story about three Star Wars geeks camping out in desolate line in front of an Omaha theater for the premiere of The Force Awakens. It is lovely, and it is charming, and it is so wonderful. I finished the story in one sitting, desperately wishing there was a full-length novel featuring these characters that I could immediately pick up. Heartwarming and beautiful.

And so December rolled around once more, and with it another Star Wars film, because Disney will never be stopped.

But of course I loved almost everything about Rogue One: I loved its beautiful and beautifully diverse cast, I loved its relentless and brutal pace, I even dug its CGI missteps. It's a dark, dark film, to be sure, but it also seems very apt and timely. Rebellions are built on hope, etc.

I picked up the Rogue One: A Star Wars Story novelization by Alexander Freed because I kept coming across good reviews. I was skeptical -- I had tried to read Alan Dean Foster's adaptation of The Force Awakens and found the writing style so tedious that I couldn't get past the first chapter. Thankfully though Freed doesn't seem to suffer from this: his writing style is relatively spartan and straightforward, which serves this kind of story well. Even so I was still very much surprised at how much I enjoyed reading this, and even more surprised at how much more depth it managed to add to the story. 

One of the main criticisms about the film is that we don't spend enough individual time with the characters too feel much of anything when they meet their ultimate fate. Which is fair: movie's are all about the external after all, whereas in books and comics you can delve more into the character's feelings and motivations -- literally get inside their heads. This is what Freed does in the novelization, and to great effect. We get so many details regarding each character's background, personality, and motivation.

Cassian stashed his paranoia in the back of his brain -- out of the way but within easy reach.

Jyn knew the sounds of occupation well. They were the sounds of home.

Baze did not limit his targets to those who might spot the blind man, but he kept Chirrut under observation nonetheless; where the Force would fail Chirrut, Baze would not.

And it does affect how you feel about the characters as the plot happens to them. This is made most evident in K-2SO's final scene, an already heartbreaking moment in the film, but here Freed adds one last final touch that makes is all the more tragic and all the more beautiful. Totally evil stuff, but good nonetheless.

This device isn't limited to the characters either: for the more technical aspects of the plot we get things like communiques and log entries interspersed throughout the story, and they are also used to great effect. In a particularly brilliant entry, we get to find out just how Galen Erso, with the help of sheer bureaucratic nonsense, ensures the flaw he engineered in the Death Star reactor remains in place. A detail that is both morbidly hilarious and also incredibly realistic.

I do think that one of the things that makes the movie such a visceral experience gets totally lost in the translation, however, and that is much of the action. Freed does a serviceable job, but the action still very much slows down and lack urgency and tension. Darth Vader’s big scene is an absolute show-stopper in the movie, for example, whereas here it reads as very much anticlimactic. 

But that is admittedly a minor criticism that applies mostly to the third act, and I do think that the material and information that was added to the story more than makes up for it.

Highly recommend reading this before you watch Rogue One for the eight time.

It was raining. It didn’t rain in L.A. It was raining in L.A. and I was Princess Leia. I had never been Princess Leia before and now I would be her forever. I would never not be Princess Leia.

And then there's Carrie. Oh Carrie.

December was a particularly tough month in a particularly tough year. Too many artists I admired passed away, and then halfway through December I went a personal loss that left me dazed and numb. Then Carrie Fisher died, and it all struck me as once, and I was just sad for a long while.

I had downloaded The Princess Diarist shortly after finishing the Rogue One novelization. It seemed like an appropriate follow up, and I've been meaning to read Fisher's stuff for years anyway. It stayed unread on my tablet for a bit (the aforementioned personal loss took any desire I had to read much), but I picked it up immediately after learning of Carrie's death. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

The Princess Diarist is about Fisher looking back on diary entries she had penned in the late seventies, during the filming of Star Wars. It's a meditation on fame and growing up in Hollywood and being young and growing old. It's a wonderful read. Raunchy and hilarious and clever; whimsical and melancholy. Brutally honest and full of life truths. I highlighted a great many passages:

The crew was mostly men. That’s how it was and that’s pretty much how it still is. It’s a man’s world and show business is a man’s meal, with women generously sprinkled through it like overqualified spice.

I looked at her aghast, with much like the expression I used when shown the sketches of the metal bikini. The one I wore to kill Jabba (my favorite moment in my own personal film history), which I highly recommend your doing: find an equivalent of killing a giant space slug in your head and celebrate that.

Back then I was always looking ahead to who I wanted to be versus who I didn’t realize I already was, and the wished-for me was most likely based on who other people seemed to be and the desire to have the same effect on others that they had had on me.

I don’t just want you to like me, I want to be one of the most joy-inducing human beings that you’ve ever encountered. I want to explode on your night sky like fireworks at midnight on New Year’s Eve in Hong Kong.

Because what can you do with people that like you, except, of course, inevitably disappoint them?

I wish that I could leave myself alone. I wish that I could finally feel that I punished myself enough. That I deserved time off for all my bad behavior. Let myself off the hook, drag myself off the rack where I am both torturer and torturee.

I was sitting by myself the other night doing the usual things one does when spending time alone with yourselves. You know, making mountains out of molehills, hiking up to the top of the mountains, having a Hostess Twinkie and then throwing myself off the mountain. Stuff like that.

Trying relentlessly to make you love me, but I don’t want the love -- I quite prefer the quest for it. The challenge. I am always disappointed with someone who loves me -- how perfect can he be if he can’t see through me?

I call people sometimes hoping not only that they’ll verify the fact that I’m alive but that they’ll also, however indirectly, convince me that being alive is an appropriate state for me to be in.

I had feelings for him (at least five, but sometimes as many as seven).

Time shifts and your pity enables you to turn what was once, decades ago, an ordinary sort of pain or hurt, complicated by embarrassing self-pity, into what is now only a humiliating tale that you can share with others because, after almost four decades, it’s all in the past and who gives a shit?

This is a joy of a book, but it still made me sad. Sad that I never got to read and appreciate her written work while she was alive. Sad because the beautiful gem of a person who wrote these true beautiful things was now gone, drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra, and we'll never, ever see her like again.

“Carrie?” he asked. I knew my name. So I let him know I knew it. “Yeah,” I said in a voice very like mine.

Good night, Space Momma. Thank you for you voice. Thank you for being so unabashedly you.                                                                                           

There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Victory Face

New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/there-were-zero-things-better-this-week-than-alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-victory-face/

There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Victory Face

Welcome to Good Shit, HuffPost’s weekly recommendation series devoted to the least bad things on and off the internet. 

This is obvious, but the best thing I saw this week was NY1’s video of 28-year-old Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez realizing she had beaten out Joe Crowley in the Democratic primary for the 14th Congressional District of New York. The results all but assured that she will soon become the youngest woman ever elected to Congress, and they set off a predictably nauseating period of 24/7 news coverage.

Challenger @Ocasio2018 toppled one of the top Democrats in Congress, @repjoecrowley, Tuesday night in their primary in the 14th District. The victory stunned even her, live on our channel. #NY1Politics https://t.co/fnK1O0bacz pic.twitter.com/RjuqHJpn1p

— Spectrum News NY1 (@NY1) June 27, 2018

But the particulars of that moment were mesmerizing: the way she convulsed just for one second when she saw the results; her widened eyes and covered mouth, first with two hands, then with just one; when she shook her head exactly once and replied “Nope” after an interviewer asked Ocasio-Cortez to put what she was feeling into words; and then when she composed herself and told the world that the victory belonged not just to her but to everyone who was with her. It was something wholly foreign to 21st century American politics: pure, uncorrupted joy, and we were right there with her in the bar to witness it. What a shocking delight. ― Maxwell Strachan 

Gucci Mane In Iceland

If you love yourself, watch this video of Gucci Mane in Iceland. Then you should mention BET, VH1, HGTV and the Travel Channel on Twitter, and petition for him to have his own show in which he travels the world and talks about how it makes him feel. Fuck, I love Gucci so much it hurts. ― Julia Craven

World Cup Tequila Shots

Re: Korea defeating Germany, thus allowing Mexico to progress to the next round–this video of Mexican fans bumrushing the Korean embassy in Mexico City to thank the ambassador personally, and forcing him to down tequila shots is so beautiful and perfect 😂 #KORGER pic.twitter.com/E1GeZCRrlK

— Very Stable Genius (@Rantaramic) June 27, 2018

Mexico got thrashed by Sweden in its final World Cup group stage game on Wednesday, but South Korea’s improbable win over Germany allowed Mexico to advance to the next round anyway. So, after the game, Mexico fans swarmed the South Korean embassy in Mexico City, mobbed the ambassador and other consular officials, and all but forced them to do shots of tequila with them. Then they chanted, “Korean, brother, you’re Mexican now!” The videos brought me genuine joy, even though the week was otherwise mostly awful. Mexico, which has had a pretty fun ride through this World Cup so far, plays Brazil in the first round of the knockout stages on Monday morning. It’ll be worth a watch. ― Travis Waldron

New Books!

Amazon

If you want to deftly thread the needle of unplugging from the horrifying news cycle while still thinking deeply about all the political, social and economic factors that have combined to make it so horrifying, allow me to humbly suggest two electrifying debut novels that were published this month.

Confessions of the Fox by Jordy Rosenberg takes the hoary tale of an 18th century folk hero ― the infamous English pickpocket and jailbreak Jack Sheppard ― and transmogrifies it into a wildly entertaining epic featuring a trans hero and a London underworld as diverse in race and gender identity as the real 18th century London was. 

Set in Oakland, California, There There by Tommy Orange weaves together the stories of urban-dwelling Native people grappling with the consequences of white colonization that has disconnected them from their heritage. All the while, the plot builds inexorably toward a shocking conclusion. ― Claire Fallon

“Salvage Dawgs”

For anyone who wants to escape the madness of the news cycle, turn off the worrisomely relevant “Handmaid’s Tale” and flip to the DIY Network ― where you can peacefully watch Robert, Mike and the rest of their Black Dog Salvage team carefully extract architectural elements from private homes, historical properties and crumbling mills across the eastern U.S. states. I first caught on to “Salvage Dawgs” four years ago (as an HGTV fanatic), and with a new season currently airing on Sundays at 9 p.m., I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it again. ― Leigh Blickley

“Demolition Man” Nacho Fries

Taco Bell

Is it a coincidence that in “Demolition Man” ― a movie depicting a world of peace, love and Wesley Snipes with bleach-blond hair ― every restaurant is a Taco Bell? I think not. Now, in honor of the 25th anniversary of this cinematic masterpiece, in which Sylvester Stallone says “Heads up” before literally kicking Snipes’ head off his body and people clean their butts with seashells, Taco Bell is bringing “Demolition Man” nacho fries to San Diego Comic-Con. And as if this partnership could get any more perfect, the fries are supposedly free.

So even if you’re not into “Demolition Man” (but, really, who even are you?), it’s still enough to make you say, “Aw, bell yeah.” Anything else happening in your life is nacho problem. But just remember: This is still Taco Bell we’re talking about, so keep those seashells ready. ― Bill Bradley

Some Hedonistic Art

Irena Jurek

“Strawberries Wild,” 2018, acrylic, graphite, colored pencil, glitter and collage on paper.

Fuck self-care, “Alive With Pleasure!” ― a new group show at Asya Geisberg Gallery in Manhattan ― seems to suggest. These dire times require unabashed hedonism, stripped of nutrition, intention or good sense. Curated by Irena Jurek, the exhibition takes its name from the playfully seductive Newport cigarette ads from the ’70s and ’80s. The works on view ― by artists including Caroline Chandler Wells, Raúl de Nieves and Melissa Brown ― are united by an excessive energy that oozes from their materials, style, palette and subject matter. Strawberry orgies, sprinting nipples, smoking birthday cakes and rainbow horses with serious BDE populate the gallery space, manifestations of self-indulgence far more strange and satisfying than bubble baths and goat yoga. ― Priscilla Frank

Kieran Culkin In “Succession”

Listen, I do not know how I feel about “Succession” on the whole. It is a longish HBO show filled with rich white men whose business dick swagger is very sad emoji, pretty frightening and a little funny. But I do know how I feel about Kieran Culkin in “Succession,” and that is that Kieran Culkin in “Succession” is very hot. He is the media conglomerate sex idiot I never knew I needed. He is the entitled son of a Rupert Murdoch avatar that I would otherwise hate if he weren’t so good at sick sibling burns and fast talking. He is Igby Slocumb, if Igby had just gone ahead and Jeff Goldblum-ed himself. That scene where Kieran Culkin in “Succession” is wiping his own semen off the window of his high-rise office window is exactly how I imagine Wall Street Men behave, so maybe this is a documentary. I don’t know. Watch it for Kieran. ― Katherine Brooks

Music For Your Ears

It’s always been difficult to get a handle on Deerhoof’s noise pop. It’s both artful and art-damaged, heavy metal and wistfully melodic. On a recent episode of the great podcast “Essential Tremors,” drummer Greg Saunier explains at length how the band’s sound is rooted in an unlikely source: Burt Bacharach’s orchestral pop. Saunier is a captivating storyteller, unwinding his tale much like his band’s twisty songs bouncing from a nostalgic remembrance of his mom’s love of soft rock to dissecting the essential genius of the 1968 hit “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” to karaoke singing. “People have rarely agreed with me on this, but I pretty much think of Deerhoof as being a soft-rock band,” Saunier said. ― Jason Cherkis

Freaky people, clap your hands! You’ll hear that command on “The Now Now,” the latest LP from sprightly synth cartoon band Gorillaz. We could use a freaky handclap or two right now, especially if it’s filtered through baroque bops like “Humility” (a summer jam if there ever was one) and “Magic City.” This album? It’s sunshine in a bag. ― Matthew Jacobs

A Movie About Aliens

This week I’m all over “How to Talk to Girls at Parties.” Don’t be fooled by the “Dude, Where’s My Car?”-esque name, this is an entirely precious, entirely new, entirely weird movie about growing into love in the most outlandish of circumstances. Enn is a punk boy in the ’70s who likes nothing more than scaring old ladies on his beat-up old bike and eating tomatoes that grow in the sewer, but his life gets shaken up when he meets Zan, an alien girl from a clan of introverted extraterrestrials touring Earth. I loved the subversion of expectation, like when he leans in to kiss her and she vomits on him. Somehow this is still cute. Elle Fanning is a great alien, and Nicole Kidman makes an appearance as an aged punk, which is worth it just to see her done up in the requisite 3 inches of eyeliner. The special effects are really campy and kind of jarring, but fun if you just go with it. And Mitski (!) even makes an appearance on the soundtrack to round it all out. Upon watching it, my mother said, “What in God’s name did you just show me?” Great fun. ― Anna Krakowsky

Maeve On “Westworld”

The best thing for me this week was, hands down, the subtle power of Thandie Newtown’s performance as Maeve on the Season 2 finale of “Westworld.” There’s this one, glorious shot of her toward the end of the episode, defiantly using her powers to hold off a horde of crazed hosts in order to protect her daughter. It’s brilliant on many levels, foremost because it’s the instant where the show fully crystalizes something that, all season, it had only been half-committed to acknowledging: Maeve is basically every black woman who has had to save herself (and everyone else) because no one else would. In light of the dumpster fire that has been this week and quite frankly this entire year, there’s something cathartic in seeing that visual metaphor on screen. ― Zeba Blay

The Passionate Experts On “Ologies”

My evergreen podcast recommendation this summer has been “Ologies,” a delightful science series. Each episode features a different expert, or -ologist, who can expound on all the cool shit to do with topics including death, birds, fear, squids, even postcards (!!!). Host Alie Ward is a true delight and basically asks all the weird questions I’d want to ask. It’s educational without feeling too heavy. Listening to people who are passionate about things is kind of the best thing? I’ve yet to come across a dud episode, and there are nearly 40 in the back catalog to work through on your journeys this summer — or simply your journey ~through life~. ― Jillian Capewell

And Finally, This Photo

received a very promising tip today pic.twitter.com/UaAJGwoVWz

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) June 28, 2018

This photograph was DMed to me by a stranger with absolutely no words or explanation. It is beautiful and makes me want to die, which is all you can really hope for with art. ― Ashley Feinberg

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The father of virtual reality sounds off on the changing culture of Silicon Valley, the impending #MeToo backlash, and why he left Google for Microsoft BI Getty Images Widely recognized as the father of virtual reality, Jaron Lanier has been hugely influential in shaping the technology of today. Lanier's work is considered foundational to the field of VR; he's spurred developments in immersive avatars, VR headsets and accessories, and was involved in early advancements in medical imaging and surgical simulator techniques. He's also credited with coining the phrase "virtual reality." In addition to his work as a programmer and inventor, Lanier is a prolific author and celebrated tech critic. His most recent book, 'Dawn of the New Everything,' explores his upbringing in New Mexico, his years pioneering virtual reality in Silicon Valley in the 1980s, and his experiences working with pre-eminent scholars, critics, scientists, and developers. Lanier sat down with Business Insider's Zoë Bernard and Steven Tweedie to chat about his latest book, the current debate over the impacts of social media, his decision to join Microsoft after working at Google, and whether or not artificial intelligence will eventually wreak havoc on humanity. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. Steven Tweedie : In the last year, we've seen an adjustment to expectations when it comes to the consumer market for virtual reality and the hype around VR in general. What would you say to those skeptical of whether or not it will take off? Wikimedia/Evan Amos Jaron Lanier : Let’s break this down just a little bit. First of all, there’s one side of VR which is the industrial side, not the consumer side, that’s been a total success. I’ll give you a very personal story from my life that’s an example of it. In the book, you’ll read about the surgical simulator, which dates back to the ‘80s. I did that with a few people, Dr. Joe Rosen, for example, who is a Stanford Med guy. In the last couple of years, my wife has been battling cancer and she had a bunch of operations. She’s post-cancer now, but one of her surgeons for the most difficult operation was a student of a student of Joe Rosen’s, and he used a procedure that was designed in the surgical simulator that evolved from the original one and trained in one. Since I’ve worked more on that side of things than the consumer end, I don’t have any doubts about whether or not VR is going to happen. For me, it’s been great. I think this is an established technology. I’m really proud of what we’ve done. But I’ve also played around with the consumer side a lot, starting with the Power Glove which a lot of people still have a bit of fondness for, which charms me. Business Insider By the way, I was supposed to be interviewed by Leonard Lopate on WNYC in the morning, and I just got this email that he’s been fired for sexual misconduct, 'so we’re finding another host to interview you.' The same thing happened to my interview with Charlie Rose last week. It’s hard to promote a book right now because all of the people who are supposed to interview me keep getting outed for sexual misconduct. Tweedie : Yep, it's been non-stop — our Entertainment team has been quite busy for the past month or two. So on the consumer side of the VR market, Sony's PlayStation VR headset is leading the pack when it comes to sales, and there seems to be genuine interest in the gaming side of VR and augmented reality (AR) — what are your thoughts on how those markets will evolve? Lanier : Sony has found some success with headsets, there has been some pretty good adoption of the phone and holder for things like news clips — The New York Times has been a pioneer in that. And Pokémon Go needs to be mentioned. Pokémon Go was super crude, barely over the line of usability, and yet there it was and it engaged a lot of people and that gave us a taste of mixed reality in a wide area. People like it, it makes sense. I feel like we’re doing fine, actually. For me, this is what a new market looks like. I don’t know what people are expecting. Do you know what it is? Everybody is still in this weird post-Steve Jobs period where they want that big thrill of the iPhone intro, and those things just don’t happen a lot. Tweedie: You've been involved with Microsoft's HoloLens headset, so I have to ask you about one of its competitors, Magic Leap, which one investor compared to the first time he experienced multi-touch technology, a key selling point of the iPhone. What's your opinion on Magic Leap? Lanier : I want nothing more than for Magic Leap to ship and thrive. I think it would be really good for everybody, and I really hope they do, I think it’d be great. I don’t know if they will, but I hope they do. You can’t just have a single vendor in something. You can have a most innovative vendor, you can have a vendor who's ahead, but you can’t just have a single vendor. That’s not a market. Getty Tweedie : You've been at Microsoft for around a decade, is that right? How'd that come about? Lanier : Well, it depends on how you count it. Never in a million years would have expected that I would have worked at Microsoft Labs, but it’s been a brilliant, amazing thing which I wouldn’t really have expected. I was a critic of Microsoft in the ‘90s, and I’ve always a bit of a radical purist, and Microsoft was the punching bag for people like me for a long time. Business Insider How I ended up at Microsoft is really simple. Sergey [Brin] told me, “We don’t want people writing all of these controversial essays,” because I’ve been writing tech criticism for a long time. I’ve been worried about tech turning us into evil zombies for a long time, and Sergey said, “Well, Google people can’t be doing that.” And I was like, really? And then I was talking to Bill Gates and he said, “You can’t possibly say anything else bad about us that you haven’t said. We don’t care. Why don’t you come look at our labs? They’re really cool.” And I thought, well that sounds great. So I went and looked, and I was like, yeah, this is actually really great. Zoe Bernard : I wanted to ask you about Silicon Valley. You’re living very close to there, in Berkeley. What is your perception of how the culture has changed? Lanier : Well, the tech world has such incredible stories of quick money, quick power, and quick status, that I think it’s made people a little drunk and crazy, and also a little shallow, and that makes me a little sad . The amazing thing about the old days was that you could have some people in a room from early Silicon Valley, and one of them might be a billionaire, one of them might be living out of a car, and what it was all about was how much you could do. We respected technical ability over money, and I think that was a really healthy and interesting culture . And now it’s gone. Sure, broadly speaking, in the whole world, hacker culture still exists, but Silicon Valley and San Francisco have both become so intense. For one thing, you can’t afford to live there unless you’re doing really well, so a lot of people have been priced out. And I’m not down on anybody, I mean, I live there. But if you’re asking me how it’s changed, that’s how. There’s this thing that happened which is that the re’s more diversity of ethnicity and background perhaps, but less diversity of cognitive style. If you have a certain kind of nerdy, quantitative problem-solving oriented cognitive style, that will get you more friends, and that will get you along better than if you have a more contemplative, aesthetic center. Bernard : You mentioned the lack of cognitive diversity in Silicon Valley. Do you think that this lack of cognitive diversity plays an influence in the technologies being created there? Lanier : Sometimes I do. A lot of the tools we have tend to be more usable by people who are similar to the engineers who made the tools. It’s not always true, but in general it’s a principle that seems to take hold. E ngineers are designing things that work better for people who are similar to the engineers, and that turns into a social effect that favors and disfavors certain classes of people. Tweedie : It seems like that would just lead to more isolated communities and some people thinking they're smarter than others. Business Insider Lanier : This is an ongoing conversation and argument that goes back for years. If I’m in an environment with a bunch of technical men, and I say, you know, we’re doing this thing that excludes people, they’ll say, “What are you complaining about? At least you’re on the good side of it.” And my response is, “Actually, from a purely selfish point of view, it does hurt me because I’m in this weird echo chamber where I’m being told ‘you're a hacker, you’re a technical man, you’re a white man’” and it becomes this ongoing reinforcement where you’re that thing — but the thing is this total artificial bullshit classification that just happens to rise from the resonance of this stupid tool. So while I’m on the beneficial side of it, in some ways, it forces me into this box. I think this kind of thinking hurts everyone, even the people who appear to be the beneficiaries of it. They’re forced into a place where they can’t reach their full potential. Bernard : In your first book, 'You Are Not a Gadget,' you wrote about how technology is doing us a disservice, and that computers are not yet worthy to represent people. You wrote that almost ten years ago — have your views changed at all? Lanier : I like to think that my views are always changing. I’m always interested in re-examining my stuff and seeing if I can find some way to make it better. But that general principle — that we’re not treating people well enough with digital systems — still bothers me. I do still think that is very true. Bernard : What do you think about programmers using consciously addicting techniques to keep people hooked to their products? Lanier : This was an open secret for a long time. Maureen Dowd published an interview with me in The New York Times that talked a little bit about it, and then the next day, Sean Parker, who I used to know, admitted to it and said, “Yeah, we did that.” There’s a long and interesting history that goes back to the 19th century, with the science of Behaviorism that arose to study living things as though they were machines . Behaviorists had this feeling that I think might be a little like this godlike feeling that overcomes some hackers these days, where they feel totally godlike as though they have the keys to everything and can control people. So if you zoom ahead to the 1950s or so, Norbert Wiener, one of the founders of computer science after Alan Turing and Jon van Neumann, wrote a book called 'The Human Use of Human Beings,' and in that book he points out that a computer (which at that time was a very new and exotic device that only existed in a few laboratories) could take the role of the human researcher in one of these experiments. So, if you had a computer that was reading information about what a person did and then providing stimulus, you could condition that person and change their behavior in a predictable way. He was saying that computers could turn out to have incredible social consequences. There’s an astonishing passage at the end of 'The Human Use of Human Beings' in which he says, “The thing about this book is that this hypothetical might seem scary, but in order for it to happen, there’d have to be some sort of global computing capacity with wireless links to every single person on earth who keeps some kind of device on their person all the time and obviously this is impossible.” Getty Images The behaviorists got pretty far in understanding the kinds of algorithms that can change people. They found that noisy feedback works better than consistent feedback. That means that if you’re pressing the button to get your treat, and once in a while it doesn’t work, it actually engages your mind even more — it makes you more obsessive, whether you’re a rat, or a dog, or a person. And the reason why is that the brain wants to understand the world and if there’s this thing that isn't quite working, your brain just keeps on trying to get it and wants to figure out how to build a better model. So you can really grab the brain that way. The results from the behaviorists’ research transformed the gambling industry and made it what it is today — an algorithmic, person-manipulation industry. People are driven by emotions and some emotions are cheaper, more efficient ways to engage us. Negative emotions get you first. Fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, insecurity, grab you, and it’s easier to renew them and keep you grabbed than positive things like nurturing, adoration, appreciation of beauty. Those emotions are softer. They’re easier to kill and harder to nurture in an audience. There’s an unfortunate imbalance. So, according to Sean Parker, these types of programming were put in intentionally [in Facebook’s design]. I wasn’t in the middle of Facebook, but my memory of those days — how people were talking and what was going on — is a little different. I don’t think that it’s so much that people were evil geniuses saying, “Let’s take the worst of behaviorism and manipulate the entire world.” I think what they were doing was: let’s maximize the efficiencies of our algorithms for a purpose. Tweedie: That purpose being engagement? Lanier : Well, this is maybe the greatest tragedy in the history of computing, and it goes like this: there was a well-intentioned, sweet movement in the ‘80s to try to make everything online free. And it started with free software and then it was free music, free news, and other free services. But, at the same time, it's not like people were clamoring for the government to do it or some sort of socialist solution. If you say, well, we want to have entrepreneurship and capitalism, but we also want it to be free, those two things are somewhat in conflict, and there’s only one way to bridge that gap, and it’s through the advertising model. And advertising became the model of online information, which is kind of crazy. But here’s the problem: if you start out with advertising, if you start out by saying what I’m going to do is place an ad for a car or whatever, gradually, not because of any evil plan — just because they’re trying to make their algorithms work as well as possible and maximize their shareholders value and because computers are getting faster and faster and more effective algorithms — what starts out as advertising morphs into behavior modification. It morphs into the very thing Weiner was warning about. Getty Images A second issue is that people who participate in a system of this time, since everything is free since it’s all being monetized, what reward can you get? Ultimately, this system creates assholes, because if being an asshole gets you attention, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Because there’s a bias for negative emotions to work better in engagement, because the attention economy brings out the asshole in a lot of other people, the people who want to disrupt and destroy get a lot more efficiency for their spend than the people who might be trying to build up and preserve and improve. T here used to be this sense of an arc in history in which, if there was something that seemed like an injustice in society and people worked to improve it, there might be some backlash, but gradually it would improve. Now, what happens is that the backlash is greater than the original thing, and in some ways worse. For instance, the Arab Spring, driven by social media, turned into networks of terrorists. A few women trying to improve their place in the gaming world turned into Gamergate, which, in turn, became a prototype for the alt-right. Black Lives Matter is followed by a rise of white supremacy and neo-fascism which would have been inconceivable until recently. Now, I’m just waiting to see what happens with the #MeToo movement, because the same thing always happens with these moments that are social media-centric. That good energy becomes fuel for a system that is routed to annoy another group of people who are introduced to each other, and then get riled up and that becomes even more powerful, because the system inherently supports the negative people more than the positive people. My prediction, which I hate and which I’m sorry for, is that the #MeToo backlash will be far more powerful than the #MeToo movement. And that’s because the backlash from all these other movements was more powerful than the original. And I’d say that social media driven by the so-called advertising media is fundamentally incapable of doing anything positive for society as it stands. Bernard : What do you think that #MeToo backlash would look like? Lanier : It’s unpredictable. It will be algorithmic. As long as it’s really annoyed and mean-spirited, that’s the thing that will count, because that would be the most engaging thing. We can’t predict what it will be, but it will be mean, and it might take on a surprising character, but it will happen. People don’t understand that #MeToo will inevitably lead to a negative outcome because of the way that things are figured structurally right now. I find that it takes about a year for it to cycle through the system, for the good stuff to turn into the bad stuff. Business Insider I try to draw a certain line, and it’s a difficult line to draw. I don’t want to become a judgmental, middle-aged person. If we can identify a particular process that’s doing damage and draw a circle around it and say, “This is it,” then I think we have to talk about it. I don’t think it’s possible for us to do better unless we change the incentive structure. Right now, of the big five tech companies, three of them don’t rely on that [advertising] model. Whatever you think of Apple, Amazon, and Microsoft, they’re selling goods and services primarily. In terms of big companies, it’s really Google and Facebook. It’s not even the whole tech industry, it’s really kind of narrow. I’ m totally convinced if companies like Google and Facebook can shift to a more monetized economy, then things will get better, simply because people participating will have some incentive to add to the attention economy, where they at least have something else to do, rather than just be assholes. Bernard : So the model you’re presenting is that you would like to see users get paid for the data they contribute rather than have Facebook and Google give that money to advertisers? Lanier . Yeah. The way I imagine it is that you’d pay a small fee to use Facebook. We pay for all kinds of things we like, so don’t freak out. Netflix proves that this can work. Look at what happens when people pay their Netflix bills, we suddenly have peak TV. People say “I’ll pay for this,” and suddenly better stuff is there. I really reject this zero-sum idea where we should volunteer because there’s no way we can be better anyway. So Facebook would charge a fee. I’m sympathetic to a lot of people who say that young people or people in poverty couldn't afford it. And sure, make some accommodation for that. But i n general, people will pay a small fee, but then they’d also have a chance to earn money. I f someone is a super-contributor to a social network, if they’re really adding a lot of content, they should get paid for it. Like, what Google is doing now is communist central control. They’re saying that certain YouTube personalities should be paid because they like them, but not others. That’s ridiculous. It should be a market. It should be a gradual curve, it shouldn’t be some arbitrary rule where everything is free except for this designated group. It should be universal . I think it will make things better because it will give people a different game to play in addition to seeking attention. Sometimes people come to me and say, “You don’t make any sense,” because on the one hand I’m a tech critic and I say that tech is turning us into zombies and destroying the world. But, on the other hand, I love virtual reality and I'm promoting it. But there’s no contradiction — it’s all true at once. There’s zero contradiction. We can afford to be honest. If we’re going to look at the good side of tech, it's good enough that it’s not going to kill us to also look at the bad side and be fearful of it. I don’t think there is any inconsistency in looking at the whole spectrum. Business Insider Bernard : You have an eleven-year-old daughter. Do you monitor her interactions with technology? Lanier : I’ve had extraordinary good fortune in that I was the one that made my daughter get a smartphone. I’m in this wonderful position where the problem took care of itself. I don’t have a problem with her being too into technology. Sometimes you get lucky. There does seem to be a correlation, though. The more a parent is involved in the technology industry, the more cautious they seem to be about their kids’ interactions with it. A lot of parents in Silicon Valley purposefully seek out anti-tech environments for their kids, like Waldorf Schools. I hope we won’t have to go there. Bernard : I’m interested in what you think the future of technology looks like. From reading your new book, I got the sense that you’re slightly anxious, but that you also have a sense of optimism about the future. What do you think is in store? Lanier : I’m optimistic for many reasons, one reason is that it’s dysfunctional not to be. If you look at history, people have been through horrible things in the past, including very confusing things. The world has seen horrifying mass phenomenon. Somehow, we seem to be able to find our way through, and I do believe in an arc of history. I believe that as technology improves, it gives us more opportunities to learn to be decent. I think in the big picture, I am optimistic. Bernard : Do you think that there’s a problem with people becoming progressively addicted to technology or growing too reliant on it? Lanier : It’s all in the details. Using a technology a lot is not necessarily a bad thing, people use books a lot too. The mere use of it is not bad. When we talk about addiction, we should make it specific, and in the case of behavioral addiction, it’s really a noisy feedback loop. I do believe that these noisy feedback loops are dysfunctional, and they should not exist. Bernard: There’s also been so many differing perspectives regarding artificial intelligence (AI). Some people, like Elon Musk, think that we should be more skeptical because it could end up controlling us, while others, like Mark Zuckerberg, seem to think it’s less insidious. Where do you fall in the spectrum of that debate? Lanier : I have a position that is both unusual and yet entirely correct. From my perspective, there isn’t any AI. AI is just computer engineering that we do. If you take any number of different algorithms and say, “Oh, this isn’t just some program that I’m engineering to do something, this is a person, it’s a separate entity,” it’s a story you’re telling. That fantasy really attracts a lot of people. And then you call it AI. As soon as you do that, it changes the story, it’s like you’re creating life. It’s like you’re God or something. I think it makes you a worse engineer, because if you’re saying that you’re creating this being, you have to defer to that being. You have to respect it, instead of treating it as a tool that you want to make as good as possible on your terms. The actual work of AI, the math and the actuators and sensors in robots, that stuff fascinates me, and I’ve contributed to it. I’m really interested in that stuff. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the mythology that’s creepy. Tweedie : In your book, you describe AI as a wrapping paper that we apply to the things we build. Lanier : Yeah, you could say that. AI is a fantasy that you apply to things. The issue with AI is that we’re giving these artifacts we build so much respect that we’re not taking responsibility for them and designing them as well as possible. Business Insider The origin of this idea is with Alan Turing, and understanding Turing’s life is important to understanding that idea about AI because he came up with this notion of AI and the Turing test in the final weeks of his life, just before he killed himself while he was undergoing torture for his sexual identity. I don’t want to presume to know what was going on in Turing’s head, but it seems to me that if there’s this person who is being forced by the state to take these hormones that are essentially a form of torture, he’s probably already contemplating suicide or knows that he’ll commit suicide. And then he publishes this thing about how maybe computers and people are the same and puts it in the form of this Victorian parlor game. You look at it, and it's a psycho-sexual drama, it's a statement, a plea for help, a form of escape or a dream of a world where sexuality doesn’t matter so much, where you can just be . There are many ways to interpret it, but it’s clearly not just a straightforward, technical statement. For Turing, my sense is that his theory was a form of anguish. For other people, maybe it’s more like religion. If you change the words, you have the Catholic church again. The singularity is the rapture, you’re supposed to be a true believer, and if you’re not, you’re going to miss the boat and so on. I think our responsibility as engineers is to engineer as well as possible, and to engineer as well as possible, you have to treat the thing you’re engineering as a product. You can’t respect it in a deified way. It goes in the reverse. We’ve been talking about the behaviorist approach to people, and manipulating people with addictive loops as we currently do with online systems. In this case, you’re treating people as objects. It’s the flipside of treating machines as people, as AI does. They go together. Both of them are mistakes. Jaron Lanier's latest book, "Dawn of the New Everything," is on sale now. NOW WATCH: France's $21 billion nuclear fusion reactor is now halfway complete December 16, 2017 at 02:18PM

The father of virtual reality sounds off on the changing culture of Silicon Valley, the impending #MeToo backlash, and why he left Google for Microsoft

Widely recognized as the father of virtual reality, Jaron Lanier has been hugely influential in shaping the technology of today. Lanier's work is considered foundational to the field of VR; he's spurred developments in immersive avatars, VR headsets and accessories, and was involved in early advancements in medical imaging and surgical simulator techniques. He's also credited with coining the phrase "virtual reality."

In addition to his work as a programmer and inventor, Lanier is a prolific author and celebrated tech critic. His most recent book, 'Dawn of the New Everything,' explores his upbringing in New Mexico, his years pioneering virtual reality in Silicon Valley in the 1980s, and his experiences working with pre-eminent scholars, critics, scientists, and developers.

Lanier sat down with Business Insider's Zoë Bernard and Steven Tweedie to chat about his latest book, the current debate over the impacts of social media, his decision to join Microsoft after working at Google, and whether or not artificial intelligence will eventually wreak havoc on humanity.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Steven Tweedie: In the last year, we've seen an adjustment to expectations when it comes to the consumer market for virtual reality and the hype around VR in general. What would you say to those skeptical of whether or not it will take off?

Jaron Lanier: Let’s break this down just a little bit. First of all, there’s one side of VR which is the industrial side, not the consumer side, that’s been a total success.

I’ll give you a very personal story from my life that’s an example of  it. In the book, you’ll read about the surgical simulator, which dates back to the ‘80s. I did that with a few people, Dr. Joe Rosen, for example, who is a Stanford Med guy. In the last couple of years, my wife has been battling cancer and she had a bunch of operations. She’s post-cancer now, but one of her surgeons for the most difficult operation was a student of a student of Joe Rosen’s, and he used a procedure that was designed in the surgical simulator that evolved from the original one and trained in one. Since I’ve worked more on that side of things than the consumer end, I don’t have any doubts about whether or not VR is going to happen. For me, it’s been great. I think this is an established technology. I’m really proud of what we’ve done. But I’ve also played around with the consumer side a lot, starting with the Power Glove which a lot of people still have a bit of fondness for, which charms me.

By the way, I was supposed to be interviewed by Leonard Lopate on WNYC in the morning, and I just got this email that he’s been fired for sexual misconduct, 'so we’re finding another host to interview you.' The same thing happened to my interview with Charlie Rose last week. It’s hard to promote a book right now because all of the people who are supposed to interview me keep getting outed for sexual misconduct.

Tweedie: Yep, it's been non-stop — our Entertainment team has been quite busy for the past month or two. So on the consumer side of the VR market, Sony's PlayStation VR headset is leading the pack when it comes to sales, and there seems to be genuine interest in the gaming side of VR and augmented reality (AR) — what are your thoughts on how those markets will evolve? 

Lanier: Sony has found some success with headsets, there has been some pretty good adoption of the phone and holder for things like news clips — The New York Times has been a pioneer in that. And Pokémon Go needs to be mentioned. Pokémon Go was super crude, barely over the line of usability, and yet there it was and it engaged a lot of people and that gave us a taste of mixed reality in a wide area. People like it, it makes sense. I feel like we’re doing fine, actually. For me, this is what a new market looks like. I don’t know what people are expecting. Do you know what it is? Everybody is still in this weird post-Steve Jobs period where they want that big thrill of the iPhone intro, and those things just don’t happen a lot.

Tweedie: You've been involved with Microsoft's HoloLens headset, so I have to ask you about one of its competitors, Magic Leap, which one investor compared to the first time he experienced multi-touch technology, a key selling point of the iPhone. What's your opinion on Magic Leap?

Lanier: I want nothing more than for Magic Leap to ship and thrive. I think it would be really good for everybody, and I really hope they do, I think it’d be great. I don’t know if they will, but I hope they do. You can’t just have a single vendor in something. You can have a most innovative vendor, you can have a vendor who's ahead, but you can’t just have a single vendor. That’s not a market.

Tweedie: You've been at Microsoft for around a decade, is that right? How'd that come about?

Lanier: Well, it depends on how you count it. Never in a million years would have expected that I would have worked at Microsoft Labs, but it’s been a brilliant, amazing thing which I wouldn’t really have expected. I was a critic of Microsoft in the ‘90s, and I’ve always a bit of a radical purist, and Microsoft was the punching bag for people like me for a long time.

How I ended up at Microsoft is really simple. Sergey [Brin] told me, “We don’t want people writing all of these controversial essays,” because I’ve been writing tech criticism for a long time. I’ve been worried about tech turning us into evil zombies for a long time, and Sergey said, “Well, Google people can’t be doing that.” And I was like, really? And then I was talking to Bill Gates and he said, “You can’t possibly say anything else bad about us that you haven’t said. We don’t care. Why don’t you come look at our labs? They’re really cool.” And I thought, well that sounds great. So I went and looked, and I was like, yeah, this is actually really great.

Zoe Bernard: I wanted to ask you about Silicon Valley. You’re living very close to there, in Berkeley. What is your perception of how the culture has changed?

Lanier: Well, the tech world has such incredible stories of quick money, quick power, and quick status, that I think it’s made people a little drunk and crazy, and also a little shallow, and that makes me a little sad. The amazing thing about the old days was that you could have some people in a room from early Silicon Valley, and one of them might be a billionaire, one of them might be living out of a car, and what it was all about was how much you could do. We respected technical ability over money, and I think that was a really healthy and interesting culture. And now it’s gone. Sure, broadly speaking, in the whole world, hacker culture still exists, but Silicon Valley and San Francisco have both become so intense. For one thing, you can’t afford to live there unless you’re doing really well, so a lot of people have been priced out. And I’m not down on anybody, I mean, I live there. But if you’re asking me how it’s changed, that’s how. There’s this thing that happened which is that there’s more diversity of ethnicity and background perhaps, but less diversity of cognitive style. If you have a certain kind of nerdy, quantitative problem-solving oriented cognitive style, that will get you more friends, and that will get you along better than if you have a more contemplative, aesthetic center. 

Bernard: You mentioned the lack of cognitive diversity in Silicon Valley. Do you think that this lack of cognitive diversity plays an influence in the technologies being created there?

Lanier: Sometimes I do. A lot of the tools we have tend to be more usable by people who are similar to the engineers who made the tools. It’s not always true, but in general it’s a principle that seems to take hold. Engineers are designing things that work better for people who are similar to the engineers, and that turns into a social effect that favors and disfavors certain classes of people.

Tweedie: It seems like that would just lead to more isolated communities and some people thinking they're smarter than others.

Lanier: This is an ongoing conversation and argument that goes back for years. If I’m in an environment with a bunch of technical men, and I say, you know, we’re doing this thing that excludes people, they’ll say, “What are you complaining about? At least you’re on the good side of it.” And my response is, “Actually, from a purely selfish point of view, it does hurt me because I’m in this weird echo chamber where I’m being told ‘you're a hacker, you’re a technical man, you’re a white man’” and it becomes this ongoing reinforcement where you’re that thing — but the thing is this total artificial bullshit classification that just happens to rise from the resonance of this stupid tool. So while I’m on the beneficial side of it, in some ways, it forces me into this box. I think this kind of thinking hurts everyone, even the people who appear to be the beneficiaries of it. They’re forced into a place where they can’t reach their full potential.

Bernard: In your first book, 'You Are Not a Gadget,' you wrote about how technology is doing us a disservice, and that computers are not yet worthy to represent people. You wrote that almost ten years ago — have your views changed at all?

Lanier: I like to think that my views are always changing. I’m always interested in re-examining my stuff and seeing if I can find some way to make it better. But that general principle — that we’re not treating people well enough with digital systems — still bothers me. I do still think that is very true.

Bernard: What do you think about programmers using consciously addicting techniques to keep people hooked to their products?

Lanier: This was an open secret for a long time. Maureen Dowd published an interview with me in The New York Times that talked a little bit about it, and then the next day, Sean Parker, who I used to know, admitted to it and said, “Yeah, we did that.”

There’s a long and interesting history that goes back to the 19th century, with the science of Behaviorism that arose to study living things as though they were machines. Behaviorists had this feeling that I think might be a little like this godlike feeling that overcomes some hackers these days, where they feel totally godlike as though they have the keys to everything and can control people.

So if you zoom ahead to the 1950s or so, Norbert Wiener, one of the founders of computer science after Alan Turing and Jon van Neumann, wrote a book called 'The Human Use of Human Beings,' and in that book he points out that a computer (which at that time was a very new and exotic device that only existed in a few laboratories) could take the role of the human researcher in one of these experiments. So, if you had a computer that was reading information about what a person did and then providing stimulus, you could condition that person and change their behavior in a predictable way. He was saying that computers could turn out to have incredible social consequences. There’s an astonishing passage at the end of 'The Human Use of Human Beings' in which he says, “The thing about this book is that this hypothetical might seem scary, but in order for it to happen, there’d have to be some sort of global computing capacity with wireless links to every single person on earth who keeps some kind of device on their person all the time and obviously this is impossible.”

The behaviorists got pretty far in understanding the kinds of algorithms that can change people. They found that noisy feedback works better than consistent feedback. That means that if you’re pressing the button to get your treat, and once in a while it doesn’t work, it actually engages your mind even more —  it makes you more obsessive, whether you’re a rat, or a dog, or a person. And the reason why is that the brain wants to understand the world and if there’s this thing that isn't quite working, your brain just keeps on trying to get it and wants to figure out how to build a better model. So you can really grab the brain that way.

The results from the behaviorists’ research transformed the gambling industry and made it what it is today — an algorithmic, person-manipulation industry. People are driven by emotions and some emotions are cheaper, more efficient ways to engage us. Negative emotions get you first. Fear, anger, resentment, jealousy, insecurity, grab you, and it’s easier to renew them and keep you grabbed than positive things like nurturing, adoration, appreciation of beauty. Those emotions are softer. They’re easier to kill and harder to nurture in an audience. There’s an unfortunate imbalance. So, according to Sean Parker, these types of programming were put in intentionally [in Facebook’s design]. I wasn’t in the middle of Facebook, but my memory of those days — how people were talking and what was going on — is a little different. I don’t think that it’s so much that people were evil geniuses saying, “Let’s take the worst of behaviorism and manipulate the entire world.” I think what they were doing was: let’s maximize the efficiencies of our algorithms for a purpose.

Tweedie: That purpose being engagement?

Lanier: Well, this is maybe the greatest tragedy in the history of computing, and it goes like this: there was a well-intentioned, sweet movement in the ‘80s to try to make everything online free. And it started with free software and then it was free music, free news, and other free services. But, at the same time, it's not like people were clamoring for the government to do it or some sort of socialist solution. If you say, well, we want to have entrepreneurship and capitalism, but we also want it to be free, those two things are somewhat in conflict, and there’s only one way to bridge that gap, and it’s through the advertising model. And advertising became the model of online information, which is kind of crazy. But here’s the problem: if you start out with advertising, if you start out by saying what I’m going to do is place an ad for a car or whatever, gradually, not because of any evil plan — just because they’re trying to make their algorithms work as well as possible and maximize their shareholders value and because computers are getting faster and faster and more effective algorithms — what starts out as advertising morphs into behavior modification. It morphs into the very thing Weiner was warning about.

A second issue is that people who participate in a system of this time, since everything is free since it’s all being monetized, what reward can you get? Ultimately, this system creates assholes, because if being an asshole gets you attention, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Because there’s a bias for negative emotions to work better in engagement, because the attention economy brings out the asshole in a lot of other people, the people who want to disrupt and destroy get a lot more efficiency for their spend than the people who might be trying to build up and preserve and improve.

There used to be this sense of an arc in history in which, if there was something that seemed like an injustice in society and people worked to improve it, there might be some backlash, but gradually it would improve. Now, what happens is that the backlash is greater than the original thing, and in some ways worse. For instance, the Arab Spring, driven by social media, turned into networks of terrorists. A few women trying to improve their place in the gaming world turned into Gamergate, which, in turn, became a prototype for the alt-right. Black Lives Matter is followed by a rise of white supremacy and neo-fascism which would have been inconceivable until recently.

Now, I’m just waiting to see what happens with the #MeToo movement, because the same thing always happens with these moments that are social media-centric. That good energy becomes fuel for a system that is routed to annoy another group of people who are introduced to each other, and then get riled up and that becomes even more powerful, because the system inherently supports the negative people more than the positive people.

My prediction, which I hate and which I’m sorry for, is that the #MeToo backlash will be far more powerful than the #MeToo movement. And that’s because the backlash from all these other movements was more powerful than the original. And I’d say that social media driven by the so-called advertising media is fundamentally incapable of doing anything positive for society as it stands.

Bernard: What do you think that #MeToo backlash would look like?

Lanier: It’s unpredictable. It will be algorithmic. As long as it’s really annoyed and mean-spirited, that’s the thing that will count, because that would be the most engaging thing. We can’t predict what it will be, but it will be mean, and it might take on a surprising character, but it will happen. People don’t understand that #MeToo will inevitably lead to a negative outcome because of the way that things are figured structurally right now. I find that it takes about a year for it to cycle through the system, for the good stuff to turn into the bad stuff.

I try to draw a certain line, and it’s a difficult line to draw. I don’t want to become a judgmental, middle-aged person. If we can identify a particular process that’s doing damage and draw a circle around it and say, “This is it,” then I think we have to talk about it. I don’t think it’s possible for us to do better unless we change the incentive structure. Right now, of the big five tech companies, three of them don’t rely on that [advertising] model. Whatever you think of Apple, Amazon, and Microsoft, they’re selling goods and services primarily. In terms of big companies, it’s really Google and Facebook. It’s not even the whole tech industry, it’s really kind of narrow. I’m totally convinced if companies like Google and Facebook can shift to a more monetized economy, then things will get better, simply because people participating will have some incentive to add to the attention economy, where they at least have something else to do, rather than just be assholes.

Bernard: So the model you’re presenting is that you would like to see users get paid for the data they contribute rather than have Facebook and Google give that money to advertisers?

Lanier. Yeah. The way I imagine it is that you’d pay a small fee to use Facebook. We pay for all kinds of things we like, so don’t freak out. Netflix proves that this can work. Look at what happens when people pay their Netflix bills, we suddenly have peak TV. People say “I’ll pay for this,” and suddenly better stuff is there. I really reject this zero-sum idea where we should volunteer because there’s no way we can be better anyway. So Facebook would charge a fee. I’m sympathetic to a lot of people who say that young people or people in poverty couldn't afford it. And sure, make some accommodation for that. But in general, people will pay a small fee, but then they’d also have a chance to earn money. If someone is a super-contributor to a social network, if they’re really adding a lot of content, they should get paid for it. Like, what Google is doing now is communist central control. They’re saying that certain YouTube personalities should be paid because they like them, but not others. That’s ridiculous. It should be a market. It should be a gradual curve, it shouldn’t be some arbitrary rule where everything is free except for this designated group. It should be universal. I think it will make things better because it will give people a different game to play in addition to seeking attention.

Sometimes people come to me and say, “You don’t make any sense,” because on the one hand I’m a tech critic and I say that tech is turning us into zombies and destroying the world. But, on the other hand, I love virtual reality and I'm promoting it. But there’s no contradiction — it’s all true at once. There’s zero contradiction. We can afford to be honest. If we’re going to look at the good side of tech, it's good enough that it’s not going to kill us to also look at the bad side and be fearful of it. I don’t think there is any inconsistency in looking at the whole spectrum.

Bernard: You have an eleven-year-old daughter. Do you monitor her interactions with technology?

Lanier: I’ve had extraordinary good fortune in that I was the one that made my daughter get a smartphone. I’m in this wonderful position where the problem took care of itself. I don’t have a problem with her being too into technology. Sometimes you get lucky. There does seem to be a correlation, though. The more a parent is involved in the technology industry, the more cautious they seem to be about their kids’ interactions with it. A lot of parents in Silicon Valley purposefully seek out anti-tech environments for their kids, like Waldorf Schools. I hope we won’t have to go there.

Bernard: I’m interested in what you think the future of technology looks like. From reading your new book, I got the sense that you’re slightly anxious, but that you also have a sense of optimism about the future. What do you think is in store?

Lanier: I’m optimistic for many reasons, one reason is that it’s dysfunctional not to be. If you look at history, people have been through horrible things in the past, including very confusing things. The world has seen horrifying mass phenomenon. Somehow, we seem to be able to find our way through, and I do believe in an arc of history. I believe that as technology improves, it gives us more opportunities to learn to be decent. I think in the big picture, I am optimistic.

Bernard: Do you think that there’s a problem with people becoming progressively addicted to technology or growing too reliant on it?

Lanier: It’s all in the details. Using a technology a lot is not necessarily a bad thing, people use books a lot too. The mere use of it is not bad. When we talk about addiction, we should make it specific, and in the case of behavioral addiction, it’s really a noisy feedback loop. I do believe that these noisy feedback loops are dysfunctional, and they should not exist.

Bernard: There’s also been so many differing perspectives regarding artificial intelligence (AI). Some people, like Elon Musk, think that we should be more skeptical because it could end up controlling us, while others, like Mark Zuckerberg, seem to think it’s less insidious. Where do you fall in the spectrum of that debate?

Lanier: I have a position that is both unusual and yet entirely correct. From my perspective, there isn’t any AI. AI is just computer engineering that we do. If you take any number of different algorithms and say, “Oh, this isn’t just some program that I’m engineering to do something, this is a person, it’s a separate entity,” it’s a story you’re telling. That fantasy really attracts a lot of people. And then you call it AI. As soon as you do that, it changes the story, it’s like you’re creating life. It’s like you’re God or something. I think it makes you a worse engineer, because if you’re saying that you’re creating this being, you have to defer to that being. You have to respect it, instead of treating it as a tool that you want to make as good as possible on your terms. The actual work of AI, the math and the actuators and sensors in robots, that stuff fascinates me, and I’ve contributed to it. I’m really interested in that stuff. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s the mythology that’s creepy.

Tweedie: In your book, you describe AI as a wrapping paper that we apply to the things we build.

Lanier: Yeah, you could say that. AI is a fantasy that you apply to things. The issue with AI is that we’re giving these artifacts we build so much respect that we’re not taking responsibility for them and designing them as well as possible.

The origin of this idea is with Alan Turing, and understanding Turing’s life is important to understanding that idea about AI because he came up with this notion of AI and the Turing test in the final weeks of his life, just before he killed himself while he was undergoing torture for his sexual identity. I don’t want to presume to know what was going on in Turing’s head, but it seems to me that if there’s this person who is being forced by the state to take these hormones that are essentially a form of torture, he’s probably already contemplating suicide or knows that he’ll commit suicide. And then he publishes this thing about how maybe computers and people are the same and puts it in the form of this Victorian parlor game. You look at it, and it's a psycho-sexual drama, it's a statement, a plea for help, a form of escape or a dream of a world where sexuality doesn’t matter so much, where you can just be.

There are many ways to interpret it, but it’s clearly not just a straightforward, technical statement. For Turing, my sense is that his theory was a form of anguish. For other people, maybe it’s more like religion. If you change the words, you have the Catholic church again. The singularity is the rapture, you’re supposed to be a true believer, and if you’re not, you’re going to miss the boat and so on.

I think our responsibility as engineers is to engineer as well as possible, and to engineer as well as possible, you have to treat the thing you’re engineering as a product. You can’t respect it in a deified way. It goes in the reverse. We’ve been talking about the behaviorist approach to people, and manipulating people with addictive loops as we currently do with online systems. In this case, you’re treating people as objects. It’s the flipside of treating machines as people, as AI does. They go together. Both of them are mistakes.

Jaron Lanier's latest book, "Dawn of the New Everything," is on sale now.

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Five Reasons To… Read And Love You’re Welcome, Universe

I recently read an absolutely fantastic book. I bought it by mistake (sometimes you add stuff to your basket and click buy when you intended to just save it until later) but I had no regrets in buying it. Once I began I knew I would love it. The style of writing and the characters themselves and then the fantastic story all added up to hook me right in. I couldn’t figure out the words to explain my love for this book and then I remembered I like to rave about books and the perfect way to do it was give you all five reasons to read it.

You’re Welcome, Universe – Whitney Gardner Published: 7th March 2017 Source: Bought Genre: Contemporary, Young Adult My Rating:

A vibrant, edgy, fresh new YA voice for fans of More Happy Than Not and Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, packed with interior graffiti.

When Julia finds a slur about her best friend scrawled across the back of the Kingston School for the Deaf, she covers it up with a beautiful (albeit illegal) graffiti mural.

Her supposed best friend snitches, the principal expels her, and her two mothers set Julia up with a one-way ticket to a “mainstream” school in the suburbs, where she’s treated like an outcast as the only deaf student. The last thing she has left is her art, and not even Banksy himself could convince her to give that up.

Out in the ’burbs, Julia paints anywhere she can, eager to claim some turf of her own. But Julia soon learns that she might not be the only vandal in town. Someone is adding to her tags, making them better, showing off—and showing Julia up in the process. She expected her art might get painted over by cops. But she never imagined getting dragged into a full-blown graffiti war.

Told with wit and grit by debut author Whitney Gardner, who also provides gorgeous interior illustrations of Julia’s graffiti tags, You’re Welcome, Universe introduces audiences to a one-of-a-kind protagonist who is unabashedly herself no matter what life throws in her way.

Diversity Out The Wazoo

Seriously, I loved the fact that this book wasn’t trying to tick the diversity box. It didn’t force it but instead simply was. The main character was deaf, and she was proud of being part of the Deaf community. She didn’t see why she had to change herself to fit the ‘hearies’ instead she questioned why she had to adapt to their world. She was also an Indian MC with two moms and that wasn’t a big deal. She was accepted by those around her and she accepted herself and that was awesome. I know one of the biggest complaints about the publishing world is the lack of representation as people fail to see characters who are like them. This book definitely succeeds in showing that it isn’t difficult to include diversity as this one does it without it being a problem.

The thing I really loved about this book was the fact that there were multiple characters who were deaf and the fact that they were all part of the Deaf community and it was just awesome. I especially loved her moms. That’s a whole other point, though.

Present Parents

Now, having lesbian parents in a book is not ground-breaking. I loved it but the actual reason I loved Julia’s parents is actually because they were so present and involved in her life. One of my biggest pet peeves in YA books is when parents are just utterly absent. I mean, I get parents being the enemy in YA, they so often feel that way as a teenager. I get bored of seeing bad parents in books, though. I know they feel like the enemy but most parents aren’t bad ones and I do find the whole bad parent trope boring. To see Julia’s two moms suspicious of her, checking up on her and inspecting her bag was great because that’s what parents do. When you get expelled from a school you don’t get complete trust from your parents and I liked that. I liked seeing Julia sitting with her parents over a meal and chatting about her day and getting annoyed with them when it feels like they’re spying. I liked seeing genuine family life with one parent who feels a little guilty and gives small gifts, like cool new boots, even if they aren’t necessarily deserved. I want that kind of parent in YA because that is the kind I know and recognise. I want more awesome parents and strong family bonds.

The Integration of Art Into The Story

Art, graffiti more specifically, plays a major part in this story and so the fact the book features artwork throughout to demonstrate art from the story was fantastic. I am not always the best at visualising things in a book so I really enjoy seeing things to support the story. The only thing which would have made it better was if the artwork was in colour (I would buy a special edition if they did that). It felt like the colour of the artwork would have added something a bit extra as a lot of thought went into the colour choices. That may just be me, though.

The Friendship

I love when a book features friendship of any kind and this one is all about friendship. This is most definitely a book where our MC Julia learns no man is an island. She forms this fantastic friendship with YP without intending to and it was awesome. She connects with her purely on accident and then the friendship she develops is brilliant not only for her but YP as they both accept each other just as they are, something they haven’t had much of previously.

There is also an element of toxic friendship and often who we view as friends can take advantage. Often toxic friends aren’t acknowledged but this time it is and Julia goes kind of an extreme way of showing she is better friend (and some might question if what she does makes her a worse person) but it was satisfying to see the contrast between good friendship and bad and even when a good friend betrays you it is very different to just having a bad friend. Just everything about friendship in this book is right.

The Story Felt Real

Okay, we can’t all relate to graffiti artist dreams and I got confused about some of the slang used (it made me feel old and out of touch) but Julia felt like a very real character. She was a teenager who acted selfishly and impulsively and didn’t think about others all of the time but she felt like a real teenage girl. She could be selfish but then she would go out of her way for YP even when she didn't truly consider her a friend at that point. She could do something to prove a point and act like a crazy self-destructive psycho but also be really sweet. it was insane and I love that because that is how you act as a teenager. Consequences come later and I loved the path she took to apologise. I just really enjoyed it.

Bonus:

Learning Deaf Culture

I cannot say for certain, I know no one who is deaf, but I felt like a lot of work went into making the representation of the Deaf community accurate. Like the alarm clock where it seemed like an earthquake and the way, there are short names for people which get chosen for you. The way that too often when you have an interpreter with you people will speak and look at the interpreter rather than looking at who is doing the talking. It was small, it was the little things like people muttering about Julia’s use of her phone to type communication as the youth of today and the embarrassment of learning she’s deaf. And her quick dismissal of having an implant to hear when she feels she’s not missing anything by not hearing. And her outrage at the ESL class and how much she didn’t enjoy English with all the grammar rules. Just every part of Deaf culture and the difference between being deaf and being Deaf was amazing.

As you can see I loved this book and I think you will too. It is a fantastic read which is real and interesting and included characters which felt real. Have you read this, what did you think? And can you recommend books which will make me just as excited to read?

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