oh im pissed off

AITA for being gay (rant) okay imma bffr rn. I started watching bsd when I was 8-9 and immediately thought chuuya was hot as fuck, but i'm not gay he was just good looking, i love women women are so much better than men. but then i watched the 15 arc... and 15 chuuya made child me realize things. made me realize that I was VERY bisexual like INSANELY bisexual. I hid that shit so hard cause like ew gay people but now im 15 bisexual as shit, and have never had a crush on someone who wasnt ginger. anyways my dads yelling at me to clean up my music sheets!! (I think i need therapy.)

ive had this here since yesterday night.... who are you...

im so glad to see youre Also handling the finale well!!!!!!!!!!! <- coping

YEAH WE R SO FUCKED . IM FUCKED IN THEHEAD

ok official thoughts under cut- spoilers, obviously

im not a big fan of shitting on shows like oh it woudlve been better if it was Like This Instead like. thats kind of dick behavior to me so prefacing with i DID like the finale it was good :3 i liked how most of it was executed ! and overall it was satisfying ! its really uncool to approach a story with hate in your heart and not even give it a chance. HOWEVER. i have devoted the past 2 weeks of my life to going fucking BONKERS about simon/(gol)betty so i do unfortunately have opinions on how they handled thaaat. like . i literally made a post abt this yesterday- moving on just isnt a good solution to their arc !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i get where it comes from and the message its trying to get across but its just . why ! whats with this therapy-ization of modern characters ! Every Slightly Unhealthy Couple MUST Break Up And Theres No Such Thing As Improving Relationships And Talking About Problems Or Rebuilding Together. AFTER EVERYTHING SHE DOES FOR HIM, JUST WHEN THEYRE BOTH FINALLY SANE AND TOGETHER AGAIN AFTER CENTURIES SHE JUST . GIVES UP . SIMON HAS MATURED, AND IS CLEARLY IN A PLACE TO LISTEN TO HER AND REMEDY HIS MISTAKES. BECAUSE HE ACKNOWLEDGES THE ISSUES ! THAT THEY HAD ! HE LITERALLY SEES THE PROBLEM AND IS LIKE OH MAN THAT WAS REALLY FUCKED UP OF ME . BUT THE SHOW DOESNT EVEN GIVE THEM A *CHANCE* TO TRY AND MAKE IT WORK AGAIN . I FULLY BELIEVE THAT THEY DID LOVE EACH OTHER! A LOT! SIMON JUST WASNT PERCEPTIVE THAT SHE WAS DOING SO MUCH FOR HIM AND IT LEAD TO BOTH THEIR DOWNFALLS- THAT IS LITERALLY FIXABLE. im just saying it wouldve taken one conversation MAX to fix this issue, AND GOLBETTY WAS CLEARLY READY TO TALK TO HIM?? LIKE HE ALREADY LEARNED HIS LESSON TOO . SO WHY . AUGH. "THE GOLBETTY BUS IS ABOUT HOW SHES MOVING ON TO A PLACE HE CANT FOLLOW" BITCH SHE IS A GOD OF CHAOS WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE MOVING ON TOO. LIKE HE IS LITERALLY ALL SHE HAS CONNECTING HER TO REALITY. SHES GONNA GO TO CHAOS GOD THERAPY? BITCH? IM NOT SAYING LIKE "IN A REGULAR RELATIONSHIP YOU *CAN* FIX HIM DONT GIVE UP KEEP SACRIFICING GIRL!" BUT NOT ONLY IS THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT BUT SHES NOT SACRIFICING ANYTHING ANY MORE . HES JUST FINALLY READY TO LISTEN. AND *THATS* WHEN SHE LEAVES. FUCK. OFF. AUGH. so overall umm i really liked all the golbetty scenes and . i thought they were really cool episodes :) i liked how a the rest of it was handled actually! and i will be wiping the conclusion of their arc from my mind :3

i will be posting gifsets/hq screencaps of my sexy big nonverbal wife on my sideblog @huge-wife later so keep . an eye out for that!!

I'll Look After You - Part 5 - Bucky x Y/N

The next few minutes after their first kiss was filled with many more. Nose kisses, cheek kisses, forehead kisses, just about every inch of Y/Ns face had been kissed. She giggled, his mustache tickling her. 'I have to go now, I have to work remember?' she said between giggles. Bucky thought it was just about the sweetest sound he had ever heard,he never wanted her to stop, and he certainly did not want her to leave. He spoke to her between kisses. 'No (kiss) dont (kiss) leave me (kiss) yet (kiss) I'm not (kiss) done.' Y/N had never had someone treat her so adoringly before. She could get used to this. But for now she had to obtain some sense of decorum. She gently pushed him away by his shoulders until he was lying back on the bed. The look he gave her was absolutely sinful, until she backed away from him. Then suddenly he looked like a five year old who just had his lolly-pop stolen. 'I'm sorry. But I have to go get ready for work. I'll see you soon.' With a smile she blew him a kiss, smart enough not to get too close to him again incase he grabbed her and stopped her leaving again. She walked away as he smiled back at her 'I look forward to it.'

A few hours later, Bucky was bored. He had waited as patiently as he could, but Y/N still had not come back to his cublice. He knew she was near. He could hear her lovely voice as she spoke to other nurses and patients. He's certain he heard her walking with another soldier, helping him with his physical therapy. 'That's fantastic Lieutinant, you're doing a lot better since yesterday.' 'Thanks Nurse Y/N.' 'Lets try with me just holding one hand, you can do it.' He could imagine her sweet smile as she held the young Lieutinants hand, encouraging him to take more and more steps. Bucky again felt that little flame of jealousy. He knew she wasnt interested in the young soldier, but he was jealous that he got to hold her hand and see her smile while Bucky just lied there in his bed bored. When's my physical therapy. I need a lot of physical therapy. He thought to himself.

Another hour went by and still no Y/N. Bucky was giving up hope when his curtain was pulled back and there she was. She wasnt alone though, Dr. Andrews was with her. 'Good afternoon Major Egan.' the doctor reached to shake Bucky's hand. 'Afternoon Doc.' He looked to Y/N, she smiled while walking towards him. She stayed quiet as she checked his vitals while the doctor read Bucky's chart. Finally Y/N spoke 'Everything looks good Dr. Andrews.' 'Fantastic. How are you feeling Major?' the doctor asked still never looking up from the chart in his hands. 'I'm okay, ribs still hurtin' though' Bucky said. 'Well that will take some time. Usually 6-8 weeks until full recovery. But I'm happy with your progress. I see no reason to keep you here any longer.' The doctor finally looked up at Bucky with a smile. Before, this would have been great news to Bucky. But that was before her. Now the thought of being discharged was worse than crash-landing in occupied France. 'What? Really? I thought I'd still be here -' 'I'm not saying you can get back in a plane, but your typical Air Exec duties should be manageable. We will have you back in two weeks for a check up. Nurse, you'll get the discharge papers ready please?' 'Yes Dr. Andrews.' With that the doctor left.

Y/N was suprised. She thought Bucky would be delighted to get out of here. She was delighted for him. Sure she'd miss seeing him every day, but it was better for him and his mind to be away from the infirmary and the sick, injured and possibly dying. But the look on Bucky's face was not excitement. If anything, it was sadness. 'Isn't this good news? I thought you would be delighted. Yes its a shame you cant fly yet, but the weeks wont be long going by.' She figured that was what was bothering him, being at a desk. She tried to get him to look on the bright side. 'You can still work just take it easy.' 'It's not that I dont want to go back to work,' he said eyes boring into his hands. 'I just don't want to leave here.' 'Why on earth would you want to stay- oh.' she realised then. As he looked up at her with his baby blues, she realised he didn't want to leave her. He would willingly stay in this hellscape of an infirmary, just to spend more time with her. Nobody had ever liked her that much before.

He felt awfully vulnerable. He didn't like showing people he cared. 'I dont even feel it' being his frequent go to catchphrase. But he did feel it. He felt it for her. He needed her to know that he cared about her and didn't want to leave here. For fear of not seeing her enough, for fear that she would forget about him when he was no longer her patient, he wasnt sure. He just wanted to be near her. She made him happy, and happiness was in shrt supply these days. She walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. She placed her hand on his cheek and he leaned into the touch. 'It's a pity you want to stay in here, with you out of the infirmary and no longer my patient, I thought maybe you'd want to go out sometime. But if you dont want t-' 'Yes!' he almost screamed, making Y/N jump in suprise. He quickly composed himself. 'I suppose that would be nice, I could take you on a real date, not like that terrible excuse of a date you had with Croz.' Y/N lightly hit his shoulder. 'Be nice! And besides it wasnt really a date, not like he picked me up or brought flowers or anything. We were just two people at the same place at the same time having a drink together. Besides I'm almost certain he's married.' 'Well I'll still show you a better time than he ever could, no doubt about that doll.' With a teasing glint in her eye she smirked, kissed his cheek and got up and walked away. 'We'll see.'

When Bucky was discharged around an hour later, he wanted to come find Y/N again to discuss their date. Their date. Bucky still couldn't believe it. He was going to go on a date with Y/N. He found her at the nurses station. 'Hello there gorgeous.' he leaned against the desk. Another nurse standing near by heard him and started giggling. 'Hello Bucky, finally ready to get out of here?' she smiled while giving daggers to the giggling nurse. 'Not quite. We have to discuss our date first.' 'What date?' What date? Had he dreamed it all? Was he sicker than the doctors thought and his mind was running away from him? 'Didn't we say when I leave here we-' 'You never actually asked me out. You just said you could take me out. And said it would be better than a date with Harry. But you never actually asked.' She was teasing him. Making him work for it. He admired her for it, and he liked playing this cat and mouse with her. 'Well, I'm sure I could find the time in my schedule to take the lovely nurse who helped my recovery out to dinner.' he smiled his most seductive of smiles, making butterflies appear in her stomach. But she had to play it cool. 'I'm sure you're awfully busy Major, don't worry about me.' 'Well I do have some extra time on my hands now that I'm unable to fly.' 'Well I would have to check my schedule, and I'm often booked up far in advance.I work long hours and of course there is all the special attention I like to give to my patients.' Her smile was sinful. The way she looked up at him from her desk, pencil between her teeth, it was sending Bucky wild. 'Ah yes, your special assets are very important to the patients here I'm sure of it. Perhaps they would survive without you for one night though? Maybe Friday?' It was then her expression faltered to one of geniune dissapointment. 'I'm working the night shift on Friday.' 'I'll swap with you!' It was Nurse Giggles, had she been listening the whole time? 'I'll work your Friday night if you work my Saturday night? There was actually somewhere I was hoping to go on Saturday night so you would be doing me a favour.' Nurse Giggles was suddenly in Bucky's top five list of favourite people. 'Are you sure?' Y/N said. 'Absolutely!' Y/N turned to Bucky, seductive smirk back firmly on her face. 'It looks like my schedule is now clear Major. What did you have in mind?' 'You leave that to me doll. I'll pick you up at 1900.' With that he winked at her and walked out the door. He was going on a date. A date with Y/N. All he had to do was plan the date. He had to plan the most wonderful date in the history of dates. Bucky's hear sank to his behind and his stomach did several backflips. Oh shit.

so basically theres this guy in my class that ive been crushing on this semester and i asked him out on thursday and he said yes! and we got dinner and it was great and he asked to kiss me after and we ended up making out for like an hour. we made plans to study together next day at my cafe and while we're there we're being all cute n like touching each others' thighs, holding hands, occasionally a peck on the lips etc etc and then he leaves for therapy and i get a call from him two hrs after he leaves and he starts talking abt how he can't give me the intimacy "i want" and how it felt like a relationship & how he was "testing the waters n it was too deep". and he set boundaries of like asking if i can touch or kiss him and i'm like ofc but also it felt like he was telling me i had already crossed boundaries before he set them. and hes like straight bi and he was talking abt how his experiences w men (lol) have been v fast and a lot but im also like you initiated so much of our intimacy!! and it wasn't an outright rejection but yesterday i asked if he wanted to get dinner this week and he said he couldn't bc he was meeting up w this girl that he met up w before OUR date and other plans which im like thats np! would you want to meet up sometime soon? and he hasn't responded but we saw each other. so much today and he hasn't said anything to me and it's sooo fucking awkward dude like? just say no it's so infuriating and i feel crazy like i couldn't even enjoy a good fucking date w someone i've been crushing on and i had the courage to ask out bc i never do that for 24 hours like It Wasnt Even A Day. AM I CRAZY

Hmm... One more thing and then I shut up

So yeah the other day I said the bestie told me to go back to therapy, and I knew that was probably the best option, but it just clicked me....

A while ago I said something when I was in one of those down down moments and when I came out of it I erased it. I was projecting and technically wasnt too much but yeah... I've been thinking about that, about how in those moments I say stuff I probably otherwise wouldn't say, or not in that way. And a little bit ago as I was chilling another one of those thoughts came to me...

It kinda clicked that I'm not okay, and it's true I've been feeling like this for too long now, when I'm okay I don't achieve "good", it's just "okay" .... There are happy moments of course, but talking about the general picture

How stressful....

Anyways today I feel I failed. I feel like I failed a lot today. So... I guess tomorrow I'll try again.

Hmm... It's a bit worrying, it was worse than yesterday... If I let it keep going I'm gonna hit bottom again, and last time I hit bottom was too recently... Ugh... The problem is, now that I am aware... How do I fix it.... Ugh...

Alright.... First let's drink more water, second let's not skip foods and actually eat them at a reasonable time. Third... Let's get shit done, let's do that and that and organize your desk. Fourth let's check the new earbuds mic and see how it's quality is. Fifth... Hmm... Well, let's leave it there for now. Let's try to start tomorrow.... Maybe waking up a bit earlier and going out for a walk could also be good for you, as much as you hate it... Ugh.... We will try...

birthday yesterday was good. had therapy and then i got my favorite sandwich for free and a free starbucks drink that wasnt that good. then we went to a thrift store and it was really big so i thought i wouldnt find anything but i got a lot of dresses and skirts. then we went to a bar lounge place that has drinks and dessert downtown and we were like the youngest ppl there but i got a strawberry rhubarb drink and a blueberry creme brulee that i shared w my bf and it was a good amt of food ajd drink and then we went home and i opened my bfs gifts and then i played overwatch 👍and fortnite

I’m writing in today because a male creator in this community is making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I need other women to know he is not as cool and calm as he makes himself out to be. I started talking to @thischarmingbaby at 18, He was in his late twenties possibly 30 years old. Danny (thischarmingbaby) would impose his sexual fantasies on to an unknowing 18-year-old me. I want to make it a point that he said he felt “uncomfortable talking to me because i was so young” but kept roleplaying with me anyway. He would play it off in a cute babyish manner or assume the role of “big mean brother” So I often wouldn’t catch on to him dragging me into these kinds of conversations, since he wasnt overtly sexual. Abdl wasn’t as sexual for me at the time so I didn’t know he and other men were getting off to what seemed like a normal conversation we were having about diapers or what sexting looked like. I also really liked Danny at the time, and like any young girl with trauma trying to keep up with an older man, I’d do anything to keep his attention. Anytime Danny wasn’t pleased with my ask about his personal life, he would ghost me for months. At the time, I hadn’t realize how severe my abandonment issues were or why I felt so low when he left, all I knew was I wanted him to stay. When he would ghost me I would contact him on Fetlife and apologize, only to watch him be active and ignore my messages. He’d only contact me when he was ready to talk again and the conversation always always led to soft-sexting. This went on from ages 18 to 23 before I started therapy and realized I had abandonedment issues and anxiety disorder. I realized this reflected in my messages to Danny. I was later then informed by a kink professional that the kind of talk Danny and i were having, was the kind of talk you charge people for. I cut Danny off immediately after realizing he’d been using me for free sexts. Danny made attempts to contact me in this time and I would deny his request to follow me. Everytime. I even had to block his accounts eventually. It was obvious no one was scratching that itch for him anymore. This is when i realized i was basically being stalked online. I knew at this point he was looking for my posts or dirty questions i’d answered to get off, so i stopped posting all together. The idea of knowing him or other men in my past were stalking me and sexualizing my photos for free without my permission was enough to make me delete all my post and disappear. When i finally worked through the trauma and realized men are going to sexualize everything i do anyway,i decided to post again last spring. Guess who contacts me? :) Danny! AGAIN. This time he is attempting to rekindle our “friendship”, he says “you were one of the first friends i made in this community and our friendship is special to me”. This seemed sincere and i thought surely this time he had good intentions. That all he wanted was fresh start and to rekindle our friendship. I accepted his request online and started messaging again. Well, the friendship talk lasted a couple days until he started sexting again. So I mention us meeting up and said we should perform all the fantasies we’d discussed over the years. Thinking maybe “I’d just broken up with my abdl boyfriend what’s the harm in us playing and exploring”. Thinking this is what he wanted anyway. He said he looked at me “like a sister” and he couldn’t do that… and then (I kid you not) sent a message saying “but you have great tits though” and goes on to explain how he masturbates in a dirty diaper right after. Beyond words. All I could think is “wow this guy has always creep” and after being disrespected for the last time I told him I no longer wish to talk. He says “fine, I was just trying to rekindle our friendship” and I blocked him. Yesterday I wake up to a notification saying he’s followed me on my new blog, and I take a scroll through his new tumblr to see he’s reblogged an old photo of me from a deactivated account where I am using my diaper. I feel incredibly disgusted!

I can’t imagine why you’d reblog my content if I said I didn’t want to talk anymore! I don’t know if he’s still fantasizing about me or just sexualizing the content, but i sent him a message explaining him how wildly uncomfortable this all makes me feel and i ask him to delete the reblog and block him.

This is 3/20/23 at 8pm. He has since saw the message and reblogging more pictures and is obviously ignoring my request to delete it. And why? Who knows, but I can’t imagine he’s keeping the post up with good intentions. I know I have no control over photos I have posted, but I am completely valid for not wanting a creepy guy to reblog pictures of me, ESPECIALLY in a time where he was manipulating me as a young girl. I am tired of dealing with this. If you’re his friend please ask him to delete the reblog and leave me alone!

i dont go to therapy anymore so heres my therapyposting at 1230 on a thursday: i was thinking abt this post kat made, about her hamartia being the desire for things to last forever. and when i was a kid, i was so so so terrified of death (i thought about it like, all the time), and of impermanence. i went to this thing once, where these buddhist monks made a beautiful mandala out of sand, and then at the end blew it away. and it really really distressed me, it felt so viscerally WRONG.

and ive had a lot of different ways of dealing with that over the years, dealing with impernanence. so for a while i was suicidally depressed, which simplified things, it was okay that i was going to die, it was good even, i wanted it. and then i wasnt suicidally depressed, and i had to go back to dealing with it.

for years in high school i had this quasi-religion i called "the path". imagine for a moment that quantum stuff isnt true, its just billiard balls. so every moment can be determined perfectly from every other moment. time is just this massive crystal, one solid thing. everything is "happening" all at once, now is yesterday is tomorrow. and your life isnt a bunch of nows, its like a path in space. and then when facing misfortune i would (and still sometimes do) say "such is the nature of the path". like, yknow, this misfortune is literally logically equivalent with every fortune. theyre not different things, theyre two parts of the same thing.

ANYWAY i gradually lost my faith in the path. my comfort mostly came from the idea that the path was optimal. which is silly of course. the path is clearly suboptimal. but i told myself it was, and this calmed me down a lot. like yknow, best of all possible worlds. which i mean. maybe it is, when you zoom out far enough, altho we have no reason to think so. and i still have this attachment to optimality, when things are clearly suboptimal i get this little...itch, or like...almost a headache? like a pressure in my head. havent solved that one yet. had it for ages.

anyway so since i lost the path ive come up with other coping methods. and the latest stuff has to do with hedonism and probaility. basically, were trying to maximize the expected value for all sorts of quantities. but there are two problems: one, our data is shit, we dont have enough of it and the uncertainty bars are huge and those uncertainty bars are subject to unquantifiable knightian uncertainty. and 2) were not running a big statistical trial, youre one person. you can make choices that maximize your expected value and still end up with a shit life cuz of bad luck or bad data. so like, how do you deal with that. well, one thing is that our uncertainty gets much smaller in the short term. so okay, what if we value things that are only summed at the moment. well, sure, great. lets, value the integral of hedons. which was sort of always my tendency, but now its more endorsed i guess. i want to maximize my (and others, but thats even harder to influence) hedons, but anything past the very near term is like 80% shooting in the dark. so i follow some rough best-behavior heuristics, get what i need to get done done, and otherwise just try to enjoy myself in the immediate. and try to be skeptical of yknow, stuff that doesnt look like doing that. well see if it works out. and then we'll wonder whether i was foolish or just unlucky

i hate how therapists are so quick to give you paperwork to make you figure yourself out instead of trying to let an organic method happen like I cannot tell you how much of a trigger doing paperwork to try and box myself in this little cube of answers is.

putting my emotions on a schedule and methodically writing down the times when i had breakdowns and why doesnt help me. it makes me feel worse i wasnt keeping track. guilting me, even. makes my emotions FEEL LIKE tasks and chores to categorize.

its like you have me do paper work to get a therapist in the first place. which stressed me out as is... and now u want me to do more paperwork and treat this like my feelings are being graded ? hoping i get a good grade on 'writing out why i cried over a little bug yesterday'?

like thats so awful to me. cbt therapy is like torture tbh.

asking me 'what do you wanna accomplish at the end of this' is the most loaded thing u can ask someone who has issues w that and u just found that out not even ten minutes prior.

absolutely ridiculous stuff to expect out of somebody out of the gate.

It's good to hear you're doing better on T cause that means there's hope for me who just started t like. Yesterday. I still need to get therapy ofc, the doctor at the clinic even suggested it, but I'm glad that there's mental changes too. Should be obvious looking back, but for me it wasnt

Yeah no for real man. We literally went to T because we had reached our ropes end with it cause we were originally hesitant due to having DID and being nonbinary and not having the 100% clearest view of what our gender presentation goals were at the time, but the decision was made easy by the fact me and Ray DIE with dysphoria and that it was either spiral and die or try *something*

I also just kinda had a sit down real talk with some of the more hesitant parts in the system and had to straight up call out their egg-ish denial since I know while its less for parts like Riku, at the time they were heavily pushing it down out of fear of the complications it would have for us and our relationship which honestly, there were little to none

Honestly we have had zero complaints about starting T other than a surge of acne which is already going back down with medication and now that we are passing by the theoretical peak of it.

I'm not too sure if our brain *needed* testosterone to work right or if the passive lessening of subconscious dysphoria and sense of actually being on a path to fix shit in that realm just lowered the overall tension I chronically had, but its literally been life saving.

To be honest it also rapidly let us figure out what our gender was overall. Cause as we got changes following starting T, we rapidly found out what things were issues and what weren't and like, at this point we don't really have chest dysphoria much at all anymore because we realized that it honestly heavily balances our our other more masculine presentation.

But honestly good on you for getting the help you need. To be honest for our system it should have been obvious looking back, but figuring out and making those decisions can be hard shit so don't beat yourself up for not realizing it sooner. You got a while ahead of yourself still and tbh its never too late to transition to whatever it is your preferred gender presentation is.

-XIV

Goodmorning or afternoon, evening or g'night.

In this week's bulletin of "What the actual FUCK", we will discuss;

FUCK MORNINGS

'Photoshop? Nope, but I'mma teach u anyway'

Laughing at drama queens is 🤡bad🤡

Feminism vs Opinions

I ain't yo ma'

FYCK MORNING CLASSES- COMMUTING ISNT AS PAINFUL AS WAKING UP 3 HOURS B4 CLASS AND REALISING HOW ILL BE WASTING TIME IN CLASS BC THE WOMAN DOesn'T KNOW SHIT SINCE SHE SPECIALISES IN PRINT. But you know what- you can't say anything bc respect your lecturers and also set THE STACKS OF MONEY U HAVE TO PAY FOR TUITION FEE ON FIRE.

This OWMAN. OH MY GOD THIS WOMAN. SHE IS PISSY AND DEFENSIVE FOR THE SLIGHTEST OF THINGS. GIRL- YA DONT KNOW HOW TO USE PHOTOSHOP OR ANY OTHER ADOBE SOFTWARE-

🤡QUIT.THE.COURSE 🤡

But noooooOoOOo WE MEET HER 6 TIMES A WEEK AND EVERY CLASS IS FUCKING CHAOS- BRUH. And These little devils think distracting her is fun- like EXCUSE ME HAHAHAHAHAHAH- THE FUCK WILL U WRITE IN YOUR EXAMS@??????????????? SOME OF US ACTUALLY WANT THIS DEGREE SO WE CAN WORK , NOT RELY ON A MAN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

OH OH AND THEN- while the chaos is at full blast this girl is just; 'LeT heR sPeaK atleast LISTEN TO MISS FIRST'

And

This hoe- had been distracting and barfing out useless comments since the class started- says 'So *snifFs* we CanT evEn aSk questioNs *forces a fake sob* 🤡🥲

SO WHY WOULD U NOT LAUGH? AND I WAS JUST: PFFT and

the lecturer is just: WHY ARE U LAUGHING AT HER

Like bruh...she is lying. I am laughing at her AUDACITY OF DERAILING THE CLASS AND PRETENDING TO ACT LIKE SHE CARES AND YOUR STUPIDITY. But kay I guess ....

So TURNS OUT IN THIS CENTURY AND DAY-

Someone comes up to me and asks "Are you a feminist?"

And your boi was literally looking for her STUDENT ID SHE LOST AGAIN, n i was like "Why."

"because you're so confident and strong headed- im glad to see young women who are opinionated enough to take a stand even if they are in the wrong."

Mind you, if my hand wasn't in my bag it would've been down that bitch's throat. AND she is younger than me too and HAD NEVER CONVERSED WITH ME BEFORE, EVER. EVEN IF IM WRONG? THE DEBATE WASNT EVEN A DEBATE I WAS ASKED ABOUT MY OPINION N I GAVE IT TO THE LECTURER WHO AGREED EITH ME AND IT HIT ME-

To this day, a WOMAN'S OPINION- only shows she's a FEMINIST- bc an opinion is something ONLY A MAN CAN HOLD. Since, you know...FEMALES aren't humans .....

Finally, we planned on complaining about the lecturer's LACK OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT OUR DEGREE YET HER AUDACITY TO TEACH. SO- I was like, I ain't complaining cause ya'll gonna back out.

HIGHKEY- TRU BC THE COMPLAINT LINGERED ON FOR 2 WEEKS N MOST OF tHESE HOES DIPPED.

And yesterday, as I walked out of The cafeteria after discovering INFLATION IS A BITCH- this random girl comes to me and is just:

🤡- Hey bestie what happened for the complaint?

🫥: Idk

🤡- GoD yOu're so Usless you Have ONE JOB, AREN'T yOu lIke onE of ThoSe smaRt Kids?

🫥: smart I am, your mother, I am not.

If i could, i would've socked her in the face too, but their were too many witnesses.😏🧐

💗❣️So, that concludes our second week's therapy session.❣️💗

BUT PLEASE TELL ME, HOW YOU DOIN? HOW WAS UR WEEK? GOT ANY NEWS ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING - I'LL TAKE IT.❣️💗

(i had to put readmore so ppl wouldnt have to scroll endlessly)

MISS GURL - WHAT IN THE FRIENDS’ NAME IS YOUR circus COLLEGE DOIN?

6 TIMES A DAMN WEEK? I WOULDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO STAND TWO- LIKE AM I MISSIN SOME SHIT HERE OR???

nah cuz that stanky ass bitch asked u “WhY aRe YoU lAuGhIng” i wouldve sent a chair flying in her face bc girl nobody paid your dumbass to be here, it aint nobody’s fault but yours that you got stuck teachin shit you dont even know about like nobody did that for you but yourself

ALSO - WHOS THE HOE THAT SAID YOU’RE USELESS FOR NOT DOIN THE JOB SHE KEPT COMPLAININ ABOUT? also legitimately what the actual fuck was that person thinking when asking if you’re a feminist…….. why.

perhaps the kugelblitz or general apocalypse would have been a good idea here. some people just make this world a terrible place, as IF WE DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH ALREADY FOR FUCKS SAKE YKNOW??? TOTALLY NOT MHMMM

And thank you for stopping by and checking up bestie, i am also having a rather horrific start of my last year of this bullshit jungle circus school.

first of all; EVERYONE IS ATTACKING US FROM EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DIRECTION ABOUT TESTS, STUDYING AND CHOOSING WHICH HIGH SCHOOL TO GO TO (as if last year wasnt fuckin plenty enough of stress), TEN TIMES WORSE BECAUSE ITS OUR LAST YEAR AND “we’re mature, we’re older, we should be smarter and wiser”………. RIGHT.

second of all - we miraculously have a new student in our shitty class (GIRLIE YOU COULDVE PICKED ANY OTHER FUCKIN CLASS, WHY THIS ONE FILLED WITH IDIOTS???) which is weird, not in a rude way but like…… transferring last year to another school seems more stressful than trying to find a needle in a haystack within one hour, considering 1. you dont know anyone or anything here now 2. you barely have friends and 3. the grading system is entirely diff and fucked way more than your past school so idk how this girl is going to make it but im gonna try look out for her from the shadows and help when i can.

third of all - WE DONT HAVE A SINGLE BREAK EXCEPT FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A RELIGION RELATED HOLIDAY (i have one in october - A SINGLE DAY) AND A SINGLE LITTLE SAD FUCKIN FRIDAY UNTIL THE 30TH OF DECEMBER. WHO MAKES IT OUT ALIVE UNTIL THEN IS A FUCKIN PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE I SURE AINT, WHO TF IS MENTALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO BE COMFORTABLE FOR THIS SHIT AINT NO FUCKIN WAY THATS ME

fourth of all, the teachers are twats- worse than ever before. they’re harassing us from every direction because its our last year, we have to behave, we have to study, keep in line - BUT LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, IM NOT DOING THAT. THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE DARES SPEAK TO ME IN A WAY I DONT LIKE IM SOCKING THEM IN THE FACE, DRAGGING THEM OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL BY THEIR WIG AND BANGING THEIR HEAD AGAINST THE RAILS UNTIL THEY GET A. CONCUSSION. IM NOT HAVING IT.

fifth of all - i was extremely close to getting into a fight and beating the shit out of a girl (lets call her B for Bitch) from my class. im gonna make one thing clear - i hate liars, despise them to the core. i hung out with B and a couple other two girls at lunch and she began literally speedwalking when one of those two girls told me that B asked her why im hanging out with them randomly. i immediately yelled at her dumbass to stop running from her problems and turn around cuz im not a kindergarten teacher, she stopped in her tracks and i told her if she was so bothered by me she should tell me instead of being a coward and talking shit behind my back. she got extremely uncomfortable and didnt dare even look me in the eye for the rest of the day and tbh she should be glad she didnt.

as expected, im definitely not gonna be anything like allison or klaus this year - i’ll be going on a yelling and beating spree from how annoyed people already get me here. my class absolutely didnt change for the better, when they all grow up im betting my left eye they’ll be living a sad life in this country fr.

anyway, ur homegirl will be alone at lunch in the bathroom listening to tua music and probably scrolling thru media bc whats better than learning tua footloose dance in the school bathrooms 💀💀💀

overall you and i both are gonna have a tough year it seems, i’ll always be here for therapy sessions tho dearest 😭😭🖤🖤🖤

first time for everything

I have decided I need a good healthy medium, or any really, to put the thoughts in my head into the world. I can't always say them or cant always find an ear to listen. Which isnt actually true. I have several people that will listen to me, I just cant get the shit out. I'm fucked up a little bit. I tried therapy and no called no showed to both appointments ( shitty ). This page is solely meant to vent, cry, type angrily, question etc. if it brings you entertainment well then win win.

Just for some background: I am a 25, soon to be 26, year old single mother with a six year old daughter. I work at a bank Monday-Friday. I read, take care of my plants, watch anime, and mom in my free time. I have 6 sisters and 2 brothers. And all with the same mom, sheesh. I am currently going through a messy, angry, confusing breakup with my daughters father. We have been together since 2014. I havent cried yet. All I feel is anger and yearning for him. We are still living together because he cant keep/get a job and I cant afford to move out on my own. I wish this bitch of a housing market would crash already so a mf can live. So I'm pretty much stressed in every aspect of my life. Arent we all? Hopefully someone (HA) out there can relate and maybe this vent will help. Or not, either way. Stay tuned. Idk where to start tbh. The childhood? The current? There is so much shit I could be here all day. I will just start with something that upset me recently. Today was a good day, or mundane I should say.

My dad, hes maybe 53? 54?, drove 3 hours away yesterday morning to go to a rehab for his crack addiction. I dont feel sad by this, I feel completely indifferent. I am no stranger to family going to rehab. That's the thing, no one cried, broke down sad blah blah. It was another day for all us siblings. My sister as even taking snapchats of the teepee outside of the rehab. Which is fine, but not normal I think? He got pulled over a couple blocks from my dead grandmothers house he still lives in (my brother took over the mortgage) and they made him walk home. The best part is, it is his own nephew that is selling him the crack. When he is high he gets creepy. One time when i was in third grade, I came home from school and he was sitting in his room cracked out watching a porno with wide eyes and a slack mouth. I think I went to my cousins house after that until it was very late and I had to go back. I didnt tell my uncle or anyone. I was scared. He stared at me in my sleep and tried to touch me. When I woke up he would move back like he wasnt doing anything. He had a one bedroom, run down house so we shared a room. This happened several times throughout the night. I didnt get a lot of sleep obviously. I had to be 8 or 9 idk for sure.

I'll stop there for now. I hope this is beneficial to me.

Okay now I’ve sort of managed to calm down a bit

and to help me calm down more

All the Good Things ™️ from yesterday ^_^ (not necessarily in chronological order because we jumped the tracks of a dozen different conversations XD)

- getting to talk to people my own age from the same background as me

- childhood friends!

- cat mom talk 🥰

- UHM SO I HAD THE CHANCE TO REMINISCE THE SAME WAY TALKING ABOUT OUR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

“You were there for mine?”

“What no-“

“Underwear.” (I WASNT PLANNING TO SAY IT BUT XD IT WAS FUN AND I WAS COMFORTABLE)

*cue groans and CRIES of STAR IM SO SORRY THERE WAS SOMETHING GENUINELY WRONG WITH ME WHO DOES THAT*

(🤭 I’m lowkey like hey I got the Moment ™️, the bit where you all know without explaining the Drama from the Old Days 🥲)

- accountability - I think she was a bit too harsh on herself but like, talking about how we were when we were younger and acknowledging how she could have been nicer and more considerate to me, like that was really reassuring even though I’ve always thought quite well of her but it was nice to have someone acknowledge it. Like no one from the old days has ever actively sought out my friendship let alone talked honestly about how they treated me so it’s so so so heartwarming, ESPECIALLY WITH THE INCIDENT

- new perspectives! Like my friend telling me her perspective of the Incident and aunties being very protective of me WHICH I DIDNT KNOW and I was so embarrassed but it’s like, heartwarming to know how people care for me.

And perspectives outside of apparently the lad talk, which is in general “Star is a Good Girl” and I was very surprised but pleasantly so about that. Like their mums love me and would encourage them to hang out with me like oh Star’s so nice ^_^ and the way they’ve always talked about me, like even talking to me they were really admiring and kind and just 🥹

- learning about their lives and really getting to know them. Growing up together is quite passive as opposed to knowing them, and now I feel I know them a lot more and being trusted with their lives and wow we have a lot more in common now as grown ups

- shared passions, talking about art!! I feel like I’ve found people in my real life that I can talk art with!!!!! MAYBE ART SESSIONS TOGETHER? 🥺

- THEY BROUGHT UP NEURODIVERGENT CULTURE AND KNEW WHAT IT WAS IM ???!!!?!?!?! BONDING OVER SOCIAL ANXIETY AND BEING BIG TALK PEOPLE AND INFODUMPING AND UH WE MIGHT ALL BE NEURODIVERGENT THE FEELS I AM FEELING I felt very comfortable in casually going like yeah I might be autistic and they were like awesome!! And that really makes sense!! 🥹 I’m-

🥹

- bonding over shared trauma :D religious and otherwise

- Gen Z casual therapy sessions over coffee and dessert LESGO

- being mindful of breaking generational trauma

- KINDNESS AS A CHOICE MENTALITY THANK YOU FINALLY PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND I AM NOT A UNICORN OR I AM BUT I AM WITH OTHER UNICORNS other people who understand unconditional kindness 🥹 and also standing up for yourself. Just… the validation like no not just that but the *understanding* and the way we all look at our struggles the same way like yeah people may wrong you but it’s with Allah and we aren’t wrong for being kind

- When You Actively Choose Religion. Like yes any kid raised Muslim gets this but like they GOT it the same way I did the caring about it and practicing and struggles and similar struggles

- Laurie Drama and again, perspective like they heard about it and they were happy for me and then when talking they were like oh that’s your side (abridged) and being respectful and supportive! And like yeah our brothers LOVE the guy but clearly not right for you GOOD ON YOU FOR LISTENING TO YOUR INSTINCTS

- I must extend on this, the emphasis they had on being supportive without even knowing a fraction of the full story despite the fact they know the perfect image of the guy, knew him better growing up around him or the guy’s side only just no it wasn’t right and they immediately understood and didn’t need justification because it’s enough to listen to my opinion because 1. my choice 2. Star’s judgement LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT

- Talking about marriage stuff and when it’s Right you are comfortable, I will say these girls are a bit more perceptive in like nah I think you’re definitely a marriage person apparently my detached anti marriage vibes never stuck with them XD which like, fair maybe so surprisingly being honest like sure I’m up for it when I am sure and ready and most importantly trusting.

- Girls need to stop rushing into marriage (just cos we say we want to doesn’t mean ANYone and it doesn’t need to be right away and like THANK YOU SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE NORMAL ABOUT IT honestly all through this meet up I just kept feeling yes oh my gosh same page 🥹 girls who get it’s a friendship for life)

- critical over men AGAIN THANK YOU FOR BEING NORMAL IT AINT JUST ME lamenting over yeah those stupid rumours were probably just GUYS being guys “you know if you smile at a guy he thinks you want to marry him”

- defending me again like no completely not your fault people are silly

- critical of suitors the same way I am (IT IS NOT JUST ME THANK YOU IT’S COMMON SENSE i mean same with the rest of my friends but they’re not as aggressive as me these girls get it)

- friend’s cousin saying how her brother wants to marry me or her mum wants her brother to marry me and I was like nooo and she was like THANK YOU NO WAY WAS I HAVING THAT

- racism talks and the Coffee Cup Story XD nah cos like their FACES when they realised how FIERCE the good girl is “I’m too shy to run after like islamophobes” “I have a story for you”

“:O GO OFFFF”

💜💜💜💜 general warmth and comfort 🥰 it was unexpected and to be seen and understood is so rare and to find it in people who I grew up with it just feels special

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Insha’Allah I think we’ll probably get together more and I’m planning to share stuff with them about their fundraising and art I’m doing in Ramadhan Insha’Allah, they come from these families of really strong, awesome women who started a lot of support systems and organisations and charity work for Muslim women in loads of different ways, women’s help escaping abuse, mental health support, career support, nurseries for underprivileged kids and so much more and I’ve always had this great respect and admiration for their mums/grandmother and they really get it too I mean that’s WHY they get it on some level and why I felt comfortable to share my Unicorn Feelings so yeah it’s been a long time since I felt so… comforted by a friendship ^_^ and it’s really heartwarming

Today is weird. ive been anxious all the time for months on end i mean ive always been an anxious person but since october ive been really anxious my therapy program made me anxious maybe cuz all the exposure to suddenly having to reflect and think abt trauma and stuff was a lot and i felt bad for being there and i couldnt really progress w my ex holding me down figuratively and literally in life and then since December i haven't been sleeping well im trying to get more active hence the run/walk today so well see how that goes but my anxiety has just been wild lately and at pasadena i got prescribed hydroxyzine and it used to just make me pass out but one doesnt affect me like that anymore so maybe ill start taking it for anxiety see if it helps me i guess lol idk i just feel on edge all of the time i cant relax sometimes i feel frozen my brain feels scrambled im unfocused like. i wasnt this bad a few months ago but i have been really anxious october-december and then like idk july-october i was Ok but not rly i was extremely depressed but at least i was working but i was still very depressed. and yesterday. ifelt pretty good then my ex had to txt me so idk guess that set me back lesson learned. and i felt ok abt were i was in life but then i heard form my brother the concerns my mom has abt me and it made me doubt myself again bc i thought i was doing ok and then hearing other ppl not think that makes me doubt how i feel towards myself but then today. i started the day off not well bc i was very angry and the eye doctor stressed me out so i ran and i ate dinner and things were ok i felt better but im back to being anxious as fuck rn like i feel like i cant relax im just laying down anxious as fuck like a ball of energy but im exhausted from running so im just exhausted but also anxious. very fine rn

post therapy notes: 'how is it going' is just too much of a question. cause i take it very literally. and things going. never ideally. So why ASK ME? Things don't Go Good. GOOD THINGS HAPPEN. But things aren't ever Actively, Reliably or Consistently GOOD. Ask me if anything GOOD happened, please, KEY ME IN, or you're just going to hear the mile of neglected and mismanaged and anxiety inducing tasks and concerns and woes. If I am not MENTALLY KEYED IN I can only focus on what is most PERTINENT AND TAXING ON MY MENTAL BANDWIDTH: aka bad/stressful stuff and nothing but the bad/stressful stuff.

Gonna deeeep breaths and. MANDALAS.

Therapist says I was alSO likely having withdrawls from my ritalin and on my period at the same time a while ago and that wasn't fun. And with my limited mental bandwith for TIME, I basically only remember struggling not that long ago and that makes my whole nervous system just. Feel like the trauma was both recent (it was weeks ago), and unable to sense how LONG it lasted (even if I logcially know Exactly how long I was in this state), brain just assumes it was a LONG TRAUMATIC STINT THAT EXHAUSTED ME TO MY BONES (even if it wasnt,,, anything,,, it wasnt fucking shit,,, I was without meds and mentally exploding from stress so intensely i felt physically hurting my body but,,,, bruh).

yugh fucking key words: Delayed Processing (of emotions, of feelings, of thoughts); Emotional Dysregulation (emotions fuck me up); Lack of Meds (increasing symptoms); Time Blind (cannot sense no matter how much physical information I am given, the SENSATION OF TIME PASSING EITHER FORWARD OR BEHIND ME. So the past feels like yesterday (no matter what I remember) or RIGHT NOW ONLY (the future? barely? exists? except as a dread of 'everything is impermanent and eventually i will lose everything i have'). If any time matters, it's scheduled time, and a scheduled task feels like a Promise and if it's broken it feels like the end of the world); Executive Dysfunction (brain literally wired Against planning before acting & acting on plans); prior Lack of Meds; December (the fuckin end of the month of the YEAR, transitional period SUPREME, desgusteng).

My efforts mean somethin. I survive. Because I have no choice. Because I want to. Because I got things to say, or cause I'm worth it. Or cause my survival is resistance, or some sweet sentiment. I don't always have meltdowns. I'm not always in shutdown. I have. Hours. Days. At a time. Of feeling Fine or even kinda happy. And that's fucking Enough for now. Even if it Hurts, to imagine Only Being Fine or Worse forever because I cannot fathom betteerrrr beyond a LOTTERY LEVEL OF LUCK hrrgghhhh. yet even sensing, mulling over, thinking about how shitty that feels to me, I'm fuckin Coping. I have. A teddy bear. I have internet connection. Gratitude boi. Fucking. Grateful for what you have (but not in a way ur guilting urself for what others dont have. JUST. THE STUFF UR FUCKING GLAD U HAVE).