you’re in my DMs.  I’m being ignored by accessibility while five different people in the past month have suggested i talk to accessibility (each suggesting it for a different reason) 

we are not the same. 

medical update and stuff. trigger warnings in tags I’m extremely frustrated. it’s been 15 months of frustration lol so so so sick of doctors, so sick of living through this. I am tired and getting no relief you might remember, but I was given a ‘possible’ IIH diagnosis in October. we’ve been treating it like it is IIH, which means everything has always been real etc etc and the treatment is weight loss. started my ‘better eating habits’ on nov 1st. then I immediately had the thing with my chemo pill packing on a ton of excess fluid, worsening my head to the point of ER and calling my neurosurgeon, getting taken off my chemo pill, and it wasn’t until mid-december that I actually started to see any fucking weight loss cause of that my pcp told me 5lbs a month. so I’ve been right on track with that despite wishing I could lose 10 a month but that’d be starving myself so lol I’ve lost 15lbs but now something exciting is happening again!! I am retaining fluid and I have NO idea why. which means my head is now as bad as it was last summer when everything was at its worse. constant all day long, pills barely doing anything for me, vision issues, pain issues. it feels like something broke in the base of my skull/neck because I get the scariest sensations there. it’s horrible. no human being should have to live this way and I do it every single day, numerous times a day anyway I had to go to the ER last thursday A G A I N because a doctor sent me. my pupils were noticeably two different sizes. I’d noticed three days beforehand and convinced myself I was imagining it cause it wasn’t a huge difference. finally took a picture and no, def not the same size and my eye looked like it was going inward? anyway, called my pcp, they had me come in that day, he saw it from a foot and a half away, sat back, and said I need you to go to the ER, you need your brain looked at. so again, I’ve been seeing this for three days while my head has been 10/10 extreme due to pressure in it. I get there and have to wait a while but less than two hours later when they finally looked at me? gone. pupils back to normal. doctor talking down to me like I was just an anxious mess and not that another dr sent me cause he saw what I did lol and his notes were in my chart. so, wasted visit and they put a covid patient 15ft from me and intubated them, so get to remember what that sounds like forever and ever (covid patients are supposed to be separated from other ER patients). now I’m doing a 10 day quarantine while I am so severely disabled I cannot bend over to take care of my cats food/litter/etc and it’s why my mom half lives with me but she can’t right now :) getting a covid test in three hours and it’s been eight days with nothing but head issues + fluid retention so hoping it’s negative the fluid retention I had before was a side effect of my chemo pill. I don’t know why this is happening. I should be 17lbs down now and I’ve actually gained weight despite being on the same diet that lost me the 15. I’m back to 13lbs down. this makes me feel like I might be carrying 4lbs of water weight. let me break this down because yesterday a PA told me my symptoms were too ‘ambiguous’ to say if fluid retention is happening or not - fluid retention from the chemo pill was ALL felt in my stomach. it was distended and bloated like I’d eaten at a buffet every single day - head got massively worse, enough to go to the er, doc and I agreed the fluid retention causing me to fluctuate between 15lbs was making the IIH worse - not urinating often despite drinking a normal amount - got on a diuretic, seven days later the weight was gone, head was better, started losing weight this is what I’m experiencing now - fluid retention that is causing my stomach to feel very bloated and look/feel distended - head has gotten massively worse, enough to send me to the ER - should be losing weight, have actually gained weight on a low fat, low calorie diet - the only difference this time is that I am dehydrating myself (yes I know, bad, but it is literally saving my life) because I experimented one day with half my water intake and my head was miles better. still experiencing a terrible head episode once or twice a day but it’s not 10/10 constantly - and the second difference is despite not drinking enough water, I am actually urinating more often and it’s a lot more clear than it should be, the color I expect when I’m hydrating well I consider this ^^^^^ to be a good case of why I think I have fluid retention but being told my symptoms were ‘ambiguous’ and throwing me to my neurosurgeon instead is HNNNNG (esp because diuretics are known to help IIH symptoms FOR THIS EXACT REASON) I have VERY recently had my sugars checked a few times, glucose is normal. VERY recently had an abdominal CT, also normal. it’s not diabetes, it’s not something happening in my abdomen. they hear abdomen vs legs swelling and think it’s GI because doctors never fucking listen and actively put their patients in danger but o h w e l l, I guess anyway as it’s been for 15 months, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I go this way and experience agony, I go that way and experience agony I need extra hydration for weight loss, leukemia, being obese. I need less hydration because it worsens IIH to the point of 10/10 I want to die (which makes me heavily and actively suicidal. doctors see I take anti-depressants and assume idk I’m being dramatic but no, it’s really this fucking bad. I would rather die that moment than keep feeling what’s happening in my head) there’s like no middle ground and my body and these doctors are making it impossible to figure this shit out. my mom had to come over at 1:45 AM last night (hasn’t had to rush here since april 2020 cause that’s just how bad it is) because I lost my balance twice and was lucky I had something to catch onto or I would’ve been on the ground (neuro symptoms which could be IIH, could be chiari, could be stroke) and my speech got SUPER bad almost immediately. scared the hell out of me, I have never in my life lost balance that badly before things are going downhill and I would’ve thought losing weight they’d start improving but when has my body ever made this easy lol meeting a new neurologist on monday who works in the same building with my neurosurgeon. I’ve been avoiding them cause every single one of them told me I was just anxious despite specific physical movements causing an episode lmao but hopefully this guy is better and he has access to all of my neurosurgeon’s notes and stuff. I can’t keep dehydrating myself but at the same time I can’t let my head get so bad I make a farewell note for my mom, you know? it’s just been really bad and I don’t know how to get people to listen to me. I have a 99% diagnosis and they still don’t take me as seriously as they should. this has ruined my quality of life and they would have you believe that doctors take that seriously but they do not neurosurgeon wants me to see an ophthalmologist again cause of my vision issues and to check for specific things that relate to IIH. he wants another MRI done in early may cause it’s been a year since my last one by then (actually a month later, my last one was in april, but I’m curious if the neurologist will order one sooner) to check to see if anything has worsened so yeah living in absolute hell again and don’t know if I can just get a simple one week diuretic to get this fluid out of my body. what the FUCK else can it be when I’ve experienced this exact thing twice!! before. it happened to a much, much lesser degree the first time I got on the chemo pill. but the same shit :) hanging on by the thinnest thread guys and 15 months of feeling like I’m going to die almost every single day through that has destroyed my psyche. destroyed me as a person. I don’t know what to do anymore sorry this is all a lot of Bad™ but it’s been a lot of bad for 15 months. if I can keep going, I hope one day to be able to give an update of improvement love you all

Supernova 16

Bad news, I didn’t get any writing done!

Good news, I’m halfway through 16! Let the good times keep rolling... until I run out. Then I’m in trouble.

Anyway, life sucks. I am a bad caregiver and an even worse student of the arts. All I want to do is sleep, but there are pants that need washing and cans that need cleaning. Please let me sleep...

Good news though, I finished editing my other novel. Now it’s time to let my readers read it to tell me what I did wrong and the countless things that need fixing. Can’t you tell I’m thrilled?

...

Right. Anyway, next chapter goes up February 6. I’m going to go sit down until I have to get dinner ready. Then I gotta get laundry ready... and then I can do my homework. This is why I don’t want kids.

Thanks for reading, see you in two weeks!

“I already told you, you're not getting my damn helmet off.”

“But you might have-”

“If a psychic doesn't know their own brain, we got bigger problems. It’s staying on.”

It was bad enough that they'd made him take his damn clothes off.  Angel had done his best, but cracked ribs were cracked ribs that needed x-rays. Among other things, that had meant shrugging out of his binder. It had been made easier by the fact the damn thing ripped in two when he tried to shuffle it off.

Guess he'd need another one... good thing he had all that overtime from working with Andy.

“I'll come in with the form stating you turned down an MRI.” there was a chill to the tech’s – nurse? Fuck if he knew right then – voice as they turned to leave the room. “Don't try to move, we still need to suture your wounds.”

Yeah, he had a lovely case of road rash that was going to need some serious antibiotic lotion, and his back was kind of fucked up. He had seen it in the mirror – looked kind of burned to him. No doubt it was going to leave some kind of nasty scar when it finished healing. Oh well, it was where nobody would see it.

Unlike his old facial ones. Pro-tip for young heroes: wear a mask before learning to fly. Birds are nasty.

“God, it's good to hear you snark at somebody.”

A comfortingly annoying voice buzzed in his ear. Scanner's link was open still, had been when the nurse had come in with the crazy idea of getting his helmet off. They had been going over the footage while waiting to hear about Ember and PT. From the sounds of things, everyone was going to make a full recovery. That was the important part, though if it took too long they might need outside help.

God, he hoped it wasn’t going to come to that. The Toledo Union was asshole city, and don't even get him started on Pittsburgh... he may not have liked football, but tossing them a 'go birds' just to make them froth at the mouth was worth it.

“Good to be able to do it.” He adjusted his helmet. “So, what's the damage?”

Keys clicked in his ear. “PT's got a nasty concussion, but that's nothing new for her. Don't know if she'll make it to the synagogue this weekend, but I think her rabbi will understand. Ember's completely lucid, so whatever Blasto did to her wore off. They're still doing a brain scan anyway, though. Apparently, they can do those with disguises on now.”

There was a note of teasing to the tech's voice that made Angel roll his eyes as he leaned back in the hospital bed, waiting for someone to tell him when he could go the fuck home. No doubt the attack was all over the news now, even at the late hour. How could it not, when one of their own had turned on them and nearly gotten half the city killed?

Maybe that was why he hadn't pulled his punches with that rock. Asshole.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. A cloth one's a little different from my setup.” He sighed in relief at the report. “Well, that means we'll only be down two. I'm no HR expert, but I think Richter's fired.”

He should've been on fire, but that was a different matter entirely. Oh well, once Ember and PT were better, they could handle that. He hadn't been around much anyway, so him going to jail for being an asshole – and you know, threatening to kill a bunch of people and almost getting away with it – didn't cramp their style too badly.

At least the overtime would pay for his GRE scores. He really needed to get his math percentile up if he wanted a shot at grad school.

“That's putting it mildly.” Scanner's tone shifted. Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, but they sounded softer the next time they spoke. “By the way, I appreciated the jerk ex comment but let's keep it on the DL around Andy. She doesn't need to know.”

Angel nodded – oww, big mistake. He might not have a concussion, but the overuse of his powers had given him one hell of a headache.  That was enough to make him close his eyes as he bumped the back of his dirty helmet against the bed frame.

“Mum's the word, Scan.” He frowned. “Where is she anyway?”

There was a pause in the typing. Scanner didn't say anything for a good couple minutes, causing Angel's blood to run cold. Despite his pounding headache and the sudden urge to throw up, he sat straight up in his temporary bed.

“Scanner, where is Andy?”

“Paladin's got her in one of those rooms they use to tell people their grandma didn't make it. The FBI's en route now to pick her up.”

His feet hit the floor – oww. “Damn it, Scan, give me a location. We can't let them get her!”

Images flashed through his mind, stolen from the psychic he had thrown down with days prior. His imagination ran wild with it, showing off steel tables and knives sharp enough to cut through rocky surfaces. It made his stomach churn as his battered brain tried to come up with a way out.

“I'm two blocks from the hospital now. Paladin asked me to bring the book.”

Angel stopped moving. Time stopped too. The only thing that convinced him that the universe was still spinning was that his heart was beating. He was alive, but right then the only thing he could focus on was the thought of the book.

“You're serious?”

“Sounds like it's our only option. She's on the third floor and we need a witness so get there ASAP.”

ASAP was a little hard when he was under observation, but Angel didn't care. He made a grab for his pants, head spinning as he pulled them on over his hospital gown. At least he wasn't attached to an IV as he booked it out of the room, a nurse yelling in the background.

If Scanner was bringing the Book, it was as serious as he thought.

---

Though it was her first time in the hospital, Andy already knew she didn't like them very much.

“You've caused quite a stir on Twitter. People already like you.”

Uncle Leo was in the chair next to her, absent-mindedly scrolling his phone. The case was covered in pictures of his family – a present for his last birthday. With his brain he didn't need it, but it wasn't like they had ever really covered how much they knew about his pre-cancer days. It had never really been her business to question what they knew about him anyway.

Normally, Andy would have been dying to get a glance at the internet, especially if nobody was going to be monitoring her. But she stayed there in her chair, flexing her fists back and forth. She could still feel the power radiating from her core, making the air shimmer. At least she wasn't giving off heat, though – that might've made the old man uncomfortable.

She had done it.

“Mom's not coming, is she?”

Honestly, the alien wasn't sure why she was even asking. Once her mother made up her mind, she didn't change it. Their final words had probably been just that, especially after Twitter had gotten a hold of it. If the internet knew about her, that probably broke just about every rule they had set for her from the time she had first emerged.

Leo's eyebrows knitted as he put his phone aside. His warm hand found hers, squeezing gently more so he didn't break anything. For humans, that was probably a comforting gesture. Thanks to the lack of skin, it didn't really do much for her, but it was the thought that counted in the end.

“I tried to call her... she hung up on me.” He frowned. “I'm sorry, but I think she meant it.”

How was she supposed to feel during a moment like this?

“Andy?”

She supposed she should have been upset really. After all, her mother had finally broken and abandoned her like she had always threatened to when things got difficult. In a way, it was amazing she had stuck it out for almost 21 years. Had she had money to put on it, Andy would've bet after the divorce for sure. In a way, she was surprised she had lasted so long.  Could you congratulate a parent for not giving up on you until you were over 20?

So… maybe she wasn’t all that upset when it came to her case. Really, she was worried about the ones she had left behind. After all, Amanda was going to take it out on someone eventually. Her oldest sister was the prime target for sure, but Jen was still just a few doors down. That thought made her core bubble up as she sat there, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It wasn’t that either, though…

Despite everything... Andy had to admit her biggest feeling was that of relief. Threats of turning her over to the lab – or worse – for bad behavior no longer hung over her head. If Amanda was washing her hands of her, then in a way she was free. Of course, that kind of made her property of the federal government... but that wasn't the first time either. Now that she was bigger, maybe she could go toe to toe with them if they tried anything funny.

Or hell, they might just turn her over to Sakamoto. She could handle her.

“Are you alright?”

Uncle Leo's words brought Andy back down to earth. She wasn't sure how long she had been out, but the man looked concerned. She shook her head, more for his benefit than her own, and shrugged her spiky shoulders in the universal sign of 'beats the hell out of me' before sitting back.

“I mean... everyone's ok, right?” She shrugged again, as if it would tease more emotions out of her molten core. “And I managed to get two shots off. I guess I can be happy about that?”

The psychic nodded. “But you're worried. I can't say I blame you. You did the right thing... though the FBI might disagree.”

Had she been human, this was where Andy would have snorted. “That's putting it mildly. I bet they’re on their way to get the custody pissing match started.”

With her... she supposed ex-mother? Out of the way, that left the feds and the lab. Talk about ugly – she would've winced at the thought if she was capable of doing it. While they whipped it out and measured, she was left in limbo. Luckily for her, that was nothing new either. Being an alien made her all kinds of flexible.

Bear Paw or... wherever the FBI wanted to keep her. She had so many lovely options.

“About that...” There was a light in the man's eyes. “You know, you did a good job out there. A little rough, but... you have promise. And we're down a man now that Richter is going to be doing hard time.”

Andy's head picked up. “Wait... you're not serious, are you?”

Leo smiled, and for a brief moment she saw someone who had long since retired to old newsreels and still pictures archived in the annals of history. It made her sit up a little straighter in her seat as her core began to bubble with what could only have been anticipation.

“We both know it was going to come down to this eventually, Andromeda.” Another smile. He never used her full name. “You're too much like Cassiopeia, including hating when I use your entire name.”

Her core bubbled again. “Can you even do that? I mean... I'm not human. Isn’t that the basic requirement of joining up?”

“It wasn't when we had Nova. Besides, who’s going to know if we don’t tell them?”

Right... she forgot sometimes about that sometimes. If Nova had hidden it… maybe she could too.

Before Andy could answer, someone knocked on the door. Leo stood to cross the room and opened it without a sound. On the other side stood Scanner, breathing hard as if they had wheeled at top speeds to get there. In their lap was a large book, bound in dark leather that gave it the feel of an ancient tome. This they handed off to her quasi uncle as they wheeled to the side, finally putting on the breaks.

“We better hurry, I blocked the elevator on some assholes in suits as I got up here.” They looked towards the window. “Is that SR?”

The psychic appeared as well, still wearing a hospital gown and motorcycle helmet. He slid in behind Scanner – at least he was wearing pants under his gown. At least he nodded to the room as he made no excuses for his weird attire.

“I'm with Scan, they're gonna be on my ass for breaking out soon.”

Leo shook his head, but he was smiling. “Not exactly what I expected for the two witnesses, but you're right. Time is of the essence. Even Scanner cannot stop an elevator forever.”

Andy felt the air in the room shift as the attention turned to her. This was probably where humans would have swallowed past anxiety or felt their hearts pound in anticipation. All she had was the bubbling of her core as she stood, dwarfing the room.

Her uncle was wrong, of course. She had never expected this day to come, not even in her wildest dreams or in the faded time before she was truly conscious of her situation. Yet the fact it was actually there still pressed down heavily as the man approached her, book in hand.

She had seen it once when she was a small child, though she forgot the circumstances of the visit that had caused it. It was a heavy looking book, bound with the Union's logo. Normally, it was kept at the base, given what was written inside.

After all... you kinda needed to keep the record of secret identities, well, a secret. It was probably the only book she could think of that didn’t have a digital copy. Sometimes, it was good to be analog.

And now it was her time to join them.

“Andromeda Nobel.” The old man’s voice had more energy in it than she had heard since his diagnosis. He held out the book and walked to an empty space in the room. She met him halfway, placing her hand on the cover like she had seen others do on TV. Maybe if they hadn't been rushing to beat the FBI, they would've done it too. Oh well, she had started this at 3 AM so maybe it was apt. “Do you swear to protect the people of Bear Paw?”

“I do.”

Outside, she could hear the elevator dinging. The agents were coming – they had a lock on the room. The door rattled violently, but Sky Rider's visor glowed as he held it firm. Someone was pounding on the wood now.

Leo remained unflapped. “Do you swear to use your powers for good and never evil?”

The words came from her mouth without thinking. “I do.”

“And no matter what, do you promise to uphold the ideals of heroism, bravery, and service both in and out of your secret identity?”

Andy didn't even need to think of this one. She nodded, almost knocking her chin to her chest. “I do.”

The rattling was getting stronger now. Sweat was starting to drip from under Sky Rider's helmet as he held the lock as hard as he could. Even Scanner was gearing up now, a glowing drone appearing to reinforce the fragile joints that kept the door to the wall. Both of them were giving it their all, even though one of them was still technically a patient.

Clearly, doing dumb shit was a point of pride here. If that wasn’t a sign she’d fit in, Andy didn’t know what was.

Leo's voice was stronger now. “Then, given the current leader is going through a medical workup, I use my power as the retired head of the Bear Paw Union to officially swear you in. You will now take up the mask and title to protect the city...”

His voice faltered. “We can add the superhero name later, unless you figured one out on the way over.”

Got one? Of course she had one. Andy had held it ever since she had first felt the power in her hands. Maybe it was a little cliché, but it felt right to her as she nodded towards the old man. She removed her hand, clenching her fist as she did.

“Call me Supernova.”

After all, she was Nova's kid in a roundabout way. If anyone got to mess with the title, she had the right.

“Supernova, eh? Never expected you to be one for a succession title, but I can't say it doesn't fit.” He smiled, and there was something wistful there as he nodded. “Then, welcome to the Union, Supernova. Serve it well.”

The door slammed open and Sky Rider was knocked on his ass as two agents in dark suits appeared in the room. As the psychic on the floor groaned at his bruised ass and ego combo, they entered, gunning for her.

Well… apparently it was time to test if the Union’s rule about active duty kept her from getting taken in. Talk about having one hell of a proving ground.

---

Want to support my snack pile so I get through art class alive? I have a Ko-Fi!

Devil’s Backbone - Epilogue

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x S.H.I.E.L.D. agent!Reader

Summary: With your team dead and your mission failed, you’ve been taken by the assassin to an unknown location and are at the mercy of your cruel tormentors. (This fic is explicit, 18+ only, dubcon in earlier chapters)

Word Count: 2k

AO3

Steve Rogers was alive. There was still no sign of Bucky.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Wilson scoured the riverbank and found Rogers first, half-drowned but alive. And when you arrived a few minutes later, he’d pointed out a set of boot prints in the mud. They were uneven, the left print deeper than the right, as if the owner had an uneven gait.

Or, more specifically, that his left side was heavier due to a solid metal arm.

“Might wanna cover those up before the cavalry gets here,” Wilson said quietly as he kneeled next to an unconscious Steve Rogers. He didn’t have to tell you twice; you muddled the boot prints with your own, following the trail along the riverbank in a desperate bid to find Bucky at the end. Your luck didn’t hold. You lost track of him within the underbrush and trees, the muddy riverbank becoming soft, leaf-strewn grass.

The rest of the day sped by in a chaotic blur, leaving you little time to reflect. The doctors at the hospital ran a full batch of tests, including MRIs and CAT scans to make sure HYDRA’s torture wouldn’t have any lasting effects. After giving you an intravenous round of saline and antibiotics, they discharged you from the hospital. Instead of going back to your apartment, you waited in the ICU with Wilson for Rogers to wake up.

When he did, he didn’t waste any time in telling you that he knew Bucky was alive. He remembered Bucky reaching down to him and pulling out from the water.

There Steve Rogers was, lying in a hospital bed, and he was more concerned about his friend than himself. You should have never doubted him, never let Rumlow get inside your head even for a moment, but he had. You knew the shame would linger, his betrayal haunting your thoughts, staining your sense of peace for a long time.

But for now, you reached across the bed and clasped Roger’s hand. He looked up at you, surprise in his blue eyes. And then he smiled.

S.H.I.E.L.D. was gone. Your team was gone. Rumlow was, to your great regret, still alive but at least in critical condition and under heavy guard in the hospital burn unit.

Your entire life had fallen to pieces just as surely as those Helicarriers had, but you had to hope that Bucky was still alive. There was no alternative you would accept.

It hurt, though, the knowledge that he didn’t come to you for help. You thought you had gotten through to him, earned his trust. Maybe you had and he simply stayed away in a misguided attempt to keep you safe. That sounded like him, but did you really know Bucky Barnes? Did he even know himself?

You didn’t have a satisfying answer, but you still held out hope that he would appear on your doorstep one day, wishing to see those blue eyes and the way they softened when they met yours.

Your doorstep remained conspicuously absent of his presence.

The days after the Battle at the Triskelion—as it was now being dubbed by the media during the flurry of news stories that followed for weeks—were both easier and harder. Harder, because you had to start over. Easier, because it came with a sense of freedom.

Fury (just Fury, now, no longer Director Fury) hadn’t been killed but it had been a close call. He had allowed HYDRA to believe he was dead so he could help Rogers unhindered, and really, you shouldn’t have expected anything less from the former Director. Either way, you told him you were glad he was alive, and with a rare look of amusement he said he had “too much to do to die just yet.”

He even asked you to go to Europe with him to help root out the last vestiges of HYDRA. It was a tempting offer, but you declined, as did Rogers. Fury glanced between the two of you with a twitch of his lips, as if he knew exactly why the two of you were staying. Hell, he probably did know why.

When Tony Stark asked you to come work for him (“I don’t know how you convinced the Winter Soldier to switch sides, but someone who can piss off HYDRA that badly needs to be on my payroll. Free room and board, fastest Wi-Fi in the world—Say, you don’t mind polygraphs, do you?”), you accepted his offer. Rogers had warned you ahead of time that Iron Man himself was going to scoop you up after S.H.I.E.L.D.’s inevitable dissolution. You found the idea of leaving D.C. not as hard as you thought. There was nothing to leave behind but tainted memories.

Being around Rogers, Romanoff, and even Agent Hill made it feel as if you weren’t leaving everything behind. When Wilson said you were a great fit for the team, very loudly, over celebratory drinks, you felt terrified. You felt hope.

Team. Group. Friends. The words were a goddamn minefield after everything that had happened over the past few days, but you swallowed down the fear and anxiety because you had to. The Avengers had the resources you needed if you were ever going to find Bucky again.

And you would find him, you decided. No matter what the results were.

You waited on the closed seat of your toilet, trying not to bounce your leg up and down. Had it been five minutes yet? You checked your phone, brand new because your old one had never been recovered.

One minute to go.

You were a bundle of frazzled nerves, a strange mixture of anxiety and anticipation. You just wanted to know, one way or another, before you gave yourself an ulcer over possible what-if scenarios. You hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since your period hadn’t arrived on time. Sure, an irregular cycle coming off of birth control pills was normal, but there was the chance it was due to something else entirely.

At the time, with the impending crisis of the launch, HYDRA revealing itself to the world, and Rumlow’s hideous betrayal, you had had bigger things to worry about.

For the past twenty-four hours, all you had done was worry.

The phone timer chimed next to your head, causing you to jump. You quickly shut it off and rose to your feet. You leaned against the bathroom counter, closed your eyes, and took a deep breath. And then you opened them.

One red line. Not pregnant.

The air went out of your lungs and you held yourself up on the edge of the sink. You didn’t know what you were feeling exactly, but there was a lot of it.

Relief? Sure, there was a big helping of that. It was to be expected, but there was also a tiny kernel of disappointment in your chest. Now that was a surprise.

With a troubled frown, you took the test stick and threw it in the trash. It was better this way. You didn’t know Bucky. Not really.

You rubbed the back of your neck, irritated and angry at yourself. It was stupid and desperate and pathetic to be even a little disappointed, wasn’t it? Becoming a single parent was the last thing you needed. Did you even like kids? No idea, since you’d never even thought about having them before.

Yeah, definitely better this way. Now you could focus on your new job, not to mention your covert side mission with Rogers.

As if on cue, your phone dinged. There was only insomniac who would be messaging you at three in the morning, and you wondered how many sandbags he had broken before picking up his phone. Already you were learning the patterns of your teammates.

You lifted your phone and looked at the message on the lock screen.

S. Rogers: Williams, message me back when you get this.

You unlocked your phone and quickly typed out your response.

What’s up?

The phone buzzed half a minute later, letting you know you had an incoming call. You answered it quickly.

“Hi. I didn’t wake you, did I?” Steve’s voice drifted into your ear. It was still strange to think of Captain America as Steve, but you’d have to get used to it at some point.

He sounded alert, untouched by sleep, just as you’d known he would be. What took you by surprise was the background noise drifting over the line. It sounded like he was in a car.

“Nope,” you responded as you walked into the kitchen. You picked up the pregnancy test carton on the counter and stared at the cover. Glared at it, really, as if the cartoon mother and baby on the cover had done you personal injury. “Wide awake.”

“You all packed yet?”

You glanced around the room and sighed at the half-filled cardboard boxes.

“That good, huh?”

“It’s a work in progress,” you said vaguely. You chewed on the inside of your cheek, knowing Steve wasn’t calling you for an update on how far along you were on packing up for the move to Stark Tower. “Are you driving?”

He hesitated long enough to pique your curiosity.

“Yeah, I am. I was hoping I could pull you away for a bit. What’s your schedule like tomorrow?”

You were beginning to suspect what the call was about, but you didn’t want to get your hopes up. Regardless, you made sure your tone was even. One never knew who was listening on unsecured lines. “Probably more packing. Why?”

“Thought maybe you could use a break and come up to New York early. Just for a couple days. Maybe see an old friend. Interested?”

Your heart picked up speed at the phrase ‘old friend.’

“Sure,” you answered with a casualness you didn’t feel. “You can take me on a tour of your old stomping grounds.”

“Great.” His normally stern voice loosened and there was genuine warmth there.

“What time?”

“Uh…” He sounded chagrined. “In about thirty seconds? I just turned down your street.”

You hoped he could hear the sigh you gave through the line. Looked like you were pulling an all-nighter, but there was no way you were going to say no to his offer. Not if it meant what you suspected it did.

“Well, in that case, I get to nap in the car,” you answered with false cheer. “And you’re helping me pack when we get back.”

“I suppose that’s only fair,” he chuckled genuinely. “See you in a minute.”

You hung up but remained in that position, still staring at the empty carton as you reflected on Steve’s call. Someone matching Bucky’s description must have been spotted in New York. Only Romanoff and Wilson knew you and Steve were actively searching for him; not even your new boss was aware of your extracurricular project. With any luck, you would catch up to Bucky before someone else did. HYDRA may be officially gone, but there were plenty of other governmental agencies, both federal and international, who wanted the former Winter Soldier in their custody.

You glanced at the carton one last time and tossed it into the trash, your thoughts already turned toward the future and New York.

Next Chapter

The Cold Ones (Doctor Strange fanfic)

This is a story I've been working on for a while, but haven't really come close to finishing yet. This fic is my side piece, basically.

It's the sequel to Spark and Fade (and also Children of the Old Moon, but not as much) so it might help to read SnF first. I thought I would start posting bits to Tumblr as I finished, mostly because I hate having WIPs on AO3, but I have a lot of unfinished things and I get restless, so... I'll post this to AO3 when I finish it, which will be in approximately three years.

Anyway, most people following me are Dr. Strange fans, so why the F not? Here's the first bit. I'm not doing a summary.

Also, I apparently can't do 'read more' line breaks anymore on this hellsite, so y'all just gonna have to scroll past this shit if you don't want to read it.

The Cold Ones, ch 1

Fandom: Doctor Strange, MCU

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Stephen Strange/Karl Mordo

Genre: magical mystery, angst, smut, action/adventure

Characters: Stephen Strange, Wong, Karl Mordo, Everett Ross, Original Characters

Warnings: nah

***

He swore he’d rather spend an eternity in a tentacle-infested swamp dimension than ever come back here, but here he is.

Stephen looks around at the blank white walls, the sealed door. He scratches at an electrode that's pulling irritatingly on the hair on his chest. There's only one window. He can see Everett Ross and his assorted techs and minions sitting behind the glass, staring at him. He stares back. "Don't you know any other magic people you can torment?" he calls.

Ross's cheerful voice comes through the intercom. "None half as charming as you, Strange."

He snorts, he can't help it. Ross is a bastard, but at least he's an amusing bastard. Occasionally.

There’s not much to do in here except walk in circles. Stephen steps carefully around the only other thing in the room with him—a plexiglass box, about one foot square, sitting in the center of the room. The hinged lid is locked and there are small holes in the sides, almost as if it might contain something alive. It doesn't, though, he can tell. Still, he keeps a wary eye on the box, says, “You guys don't have the budget to give me a chair?”

“Any unnecessary objects in the room might interfere with the test.” Dr. Thompson’s voice this time. She strikes Stephen as one of those people who excelled in medical school only to discover she was just slightly too much of a sociopath to ever be a good doctor. Experimenting on people is probably a better career choice for her.

He finishes another circuit of the room, lets the silence stretch on until he can't take the growing restlessness anymore. And, still, nothing happens. “What exactly am I supposed to be doing in here?”

“Relax, Strange.” Ross again, and then Dr. Thompson, “We’re just finishing up some final calibrations.”

He sighs and nods. The fact that he’s trapped in here is entirely his fault; he asked for this.

Just two weeks ago, he was sitting at a booth in his favorite coffee shop, waiting for Ross, and trying hard not to fidget.

He'd always liked this place—the coffee was good and the servers were quick and efficient. The place was never crowded. He could sit and think without worrying about being bothered. And the alley out back was always empty and didn't stink too badly, so opening a portal there was never much of a risk.

He lifted his mug of coffee with both hands—too sore on that damp, cold day to fold his stiff fingers around the handle—and took a sip, watched the people hurrying past the window in the rainy street outside.

He didn't have to wait long. The bells over the door jingled and then Everett Ross was sliding into the booth across from him, dressed in his usual gray suit—always expensive, but understated—shaking out and then fastening his umbrella closed with quick efficient movements. His hair was slicked back, not a strand out of place. Stephen wondered if the suit was meant to match the hair, or if it was just a coincidence that they were the exact same color.

Once settled, Ross folded his hands on the table and smiled his smug smile, all self-assured confidence. “Strange,” he said, and nodded. Stephen scowled back, but tipped his head fractionally.

The waitress materialized beside them and Ross ordered a coffee with cream. He watched her walk away, then turned back to Stephen. "So," he said. "You called me. And here I am."

“Yes.” Stephen cleared his throat and tried to resist the urge to tap his foot on the floor. "I called you,” he said slowly, still not quite sure if this was a good idea and stalling for just a little more time. “I... want to make a deal with you."

"Oh?" Ross feigned innocence, but that smug smile crept back onto his face. He knew exactly why Stephen had called him. Ross fiddled with the cream for a moment, before looking back up. "And what sort of deal do you think I'd be interested in?"

"Mary Jacobsen," Stephen said. "She wants to go to college. I need the police and your people to back off and leave her alone. You know she had nothing to do with the murder of her parents. She's just a kid. She has no interest in ever working for you or your agency.”

Ross made a scoffing sound. “I'm a great boss, actually. Everyone loves working for me.”

Stephen chose to ignore Ross’s joke. “And... she'll need a new identity, too, so she can't be found. There are still people out there who might be looking for her. Dangerous people."

Ross gave him a shrewd look. “People like your friend, Karl Mordo?”

Stephen didn't like the way Ross emphasized the word friend like that. He wished he could enjoy the distraction of a sip of coffee right now. But picking up the mug in front of Ross would just reveal more weakness. “Maybe.” He settled for a shrug, instead. “That's not your concern.”

Ross stared back at him for a long moment. "You're asking for a lot,” he mused, sliding his coffee mug against the napkin. They both knew he wasn't, not for someone with Ross’s connections, but in the end it didn't matter—Stephen needed what Ross had and there was no good way around it.

Ross abandoned his mug and started tapping his finger against the table. He still hadn’t taken a sip. “And what will you offer me in return?"

Stephen tightened his jaw before answering. "Name your price."

Ross's finger tapped a little faster against the table, the only sign of his interest. He narrowed his eyes at Stephen. "Okay. You already know we're interested in magic. How it works. How to… counter it, if it ever came to that. My team has some tests lined up that require subjects with abilities. They've been hard to find and recruit, for obvious reasons.”

Ross reached out and picked up the mug, finally took a sip. “So, I’d like you to come work for me. On a temporary basis. Help me out with our tests. I think that would be a fair trade to start with. And if, down the line, you need more of my help… then we can renegotiate.”

Stephen knew this was what Ross would ask for, of course. He'd already discussed the possibility with Wong and the other Masters. They'd agreed that it could be useful to see exactly what Ross’s group was interested in, what understanding of the Mystic Arts they already had, if any. Ross was a tricky bastard, but Stephen had dealt with him before. And the man did have integrity. Stephen knew he could be trusted to keep his word. The other Sorcerers had set some conditions, though, on what he could offer Ross. Stephen agreed with them.

"I'll agree to your tests as long as you can assure me they're safe. And I'm not doing more than one a week. If you want more than that you'll have to pay me for my time.”

Ross nodded, eyes eager. Money, apparently, was not an issue.

“But I'm not teaching anyone magic. And I'm not revealing the names of any other Sorcerers or the location of Kamar-Taj. If any of your people want to learn, they can seek us out and ask to be accepted just like everyone else."

Ross took another sip of coffee and pretended to think it over. "Deal,” he said.

They shook on it that day, over the table, Stephen extending his hand reluctantly to seal his fate. And now here he was, standing in a white room, staring at a plexiglass box on the ground, waiting for something to happen.

Ross had kept his word, at least, as Stephen knew he would. Mary’s got a new last name, some very convincing documents, and a spot at Molloy College for the upcoming fall semester. And the tests so far haven't been terrible, just tedious. Like performing magic in an MRI machine, which was awkward, but not difficult.

Stephen’s never been in this particular room before, though. He glances over his shoulder, but Ross and his lackeys are now engrossed in the monitors in front of them.

There's a sound, then—a faint, high-pitched hum, growing steadily louder. Stephen tilts his head curiously. It sounds almost organic, rising and falling like the call of some insect. And it seems to be coming from the box on the floor. He still can’t sense anything alive inside.

“Can you actually hear that?” Dr. Thompson asks through the intercom. She sounds surprised.

“Yeah, it’s—” He’s about to say incredibly irritating, when a blast of icy air hits him. “What the hell is that?” he mutters. There aren’t any vents it could be coming from. “Don’t tell me you’re going to give me hypothermia,” he calls.

“Are you feeling cold?” Dr. Thompson asks.

That’s odd. “Yes, I—” But the sound suddenly reaches a screech that’s almost unbearable, accompanied by a stabbing pain right above his eyes. His skull is literally vibrating. The fucking room is vibrating. Stephen grabs at his head. “Can you shut that noise off? I—”

And then the world suddenly drops away from under his feet.

Major Crimes-Santuary City Pt. 4

So, I loved this episode. I’ve never watched  an MC episode more than I have this one—except I just skip over the case stuff. And I’ve probably watched the bedroom scene over fifty times.

Am I happy that Sharon ended up having a physical ailment as I’d thought? No. I think there were a lot more interesting storylines that could have showcased Mary’s talent. But I am glad that it is something that could clear up on its own. I’d be feeling a lot better about it if it weren’t for the “setback” in a future episode. I really, really hope it isn’t something serious. I don’t want to spend the whole last season worrying about Sharon’s health. That said, I am happy that we finally had something that was entirely focused on Sharon and Sharon and Andy’s relationship. Sharon even told Andy BEFORE Rusty and they had a full conversation about what it meant to each of them and about their relationship and the wedding, without anything diverting them away and without Rusty popping in and interrupting. I LOVED that. More please.

Before I move into the serious stuff, I just wanted to comment on how beautiful Andy and Sharon looked in this episode. I mean they always look gorgeous, but in this episode…Mmm… Andy in the hospital with his tie undone and the suspenders. In the condo casual in his light purple sweater from last season. The bedroom scene-So sexy and so much better in the pajama pants and t-shirt compared to season 4 in the full pajama’s that I just couldn’t see Andy wearing to bed. Sharon, looking so beautiful only 24 hours after her collapse. In the bedroom in the lovely, very feminine silk nightgown and cashmere bathrobe, and the red polka dot blouse and perfect hair. Also, loved the matching Shandy in purple, lots of purple, because after all, it’s their “love” color and there was a lot of love in this episode

Everything was damn near perfect.

For those interested in the case, you might not want to bother continuing as the case barely registered for me. I like the idea of the three and five part story arcs, but this storyline just isn’t strong enough to play out over five episodes. It needs to be more exciting—going after a serial killer or a terrorist or something. This one could have been a 3- parter. But I didn’t really care, because I was only in it for the personal stuff anyway.

So, here we go…You might want to grab a drink and sit back because this is a LONG one.

“Sharon, Sharon can you hear me? Sharon you fainted. Are you okay?”

I was shocked, in a good way, to see that this episode began right where the previous one ended. I had not expected that because we’ve never been given that before. (Think Andy’s heart attack)

The sound of a heartbeat as the episode began was rather ominous and should have been a clue that we were dealing with a heart issue here. Just never saw that coming, Sharon’s symptoms all had to do with vision.

Interesting that when we saw Sharon collapse she was falling back into a shocked Provenza’s arms, but when the episode begins, it is Mike who is holding her head and Provenza is hovering behind Andy’s shoulder clearly freaked out by seeing Sharon down. Later we hear that Sharon hit her head when she fell. Did a shocked Provenza drop her? Not surprised that Mike jumped in to stabilize her head and neck. I wondered how Andy would handle this, but he’s a cop, he knows he has to keep the injured or sick person calm and that is exactly what he’s doing. This is especially important when Sharon wakes up. She’s scared and confused and can’t even speak so for him to be freaking out would not help her. He needed to be reassuring, and he was. The one thing that surprised me was that he wasn’t touching her, stroking her hand or her shoulder. Sharon was all over him when he collapsed. I also think that Andy was pretty convinced that she fainted because of complications from the flu--not anything serious. I’m somewhat surprised the Paramedics didn’t assess her more for a stroke or heart attack.

“Hurry, hurry, dammit, hurry.”

Andy may not be freaked out, but everyone else is and I LOVE it. Sykes is barely holding it together, her voice shaking as she tells the paramedics where Sharon is and as soon as Provenza sees them he starts barking at them to get moving. Everyone else is just kind of standing around in shock.

“What’s her name?” “Commander…Sharon, her name is Sharon.”

I think this simple statement was significant for the following reasons: 1.     Mason is so shaken he doesn’t realize they are asking about her personally not professionally. 2.    Mason is still an outsider amongst this family. To him, she is Commander, but to most of the others standing around, she is Sharon. She is family. 3.    This episode is going to be about “Sharon” not about the Commander. She is referred to continually throughout the episode as Sharon. It’s about damn time.

“Get in your car and lead this ambulance. Three sets of sirens are better than one. I’m leaving with her.”

Okay, now Andy is getting a little worked up, willing to use whatever means he has at his disposal to get his lady the help that she needs. No one questions him. Andy is a man of action. When Sharon went down, he felt helpless and unsure what to do, but now that there is action involved to get her to the hospital, he comes to life and takes charge. This is the Andy we know and love, from tender to tough in a matter of minutes.

“Then get the hell out of our murder room. Oh, do you need a hand? Let me help.”

Provenza throwing the FBI’s box on the floor is about as out of control as I have ever seen him in 13 years. He’s really upset about Sharon and those agents are bearing the brunt of it because he is convinced that Sharon collapsed because of them.

“Chief Mason, I want these bastards out of our murder room, right now.” “Lieutenant, come on.”

So sweet that it is Amy who goes to him to lead him away. She can see that Provenza is really upset and not in control of himself and moves to get him to step away and calm down.

“If the lieutenant wants you lying sons of bitches out of here, that’s what will happen.”

I love how they all come together here as a family, circling the wagons and taking care of each other. I’ve always felt that Provenza was a fatherly figure for Sharon, even if he’s only 10-15 years older than she is. He’s upset that his daughter has collapsed and his other children--Amy and Julio-- are right there to help him calm down and deal with it. Mason, the new in law is watching all this family drama and isn’t quite sure how to handle it.

“Special Agents Vega, Fay, my office please.”

Oh, the way Provenza looks at the floor where Sharon collapsed, then up at Mason. You can almost hear him saying, “Look what those bastards did, you better deal with them.” It’s that look that finally snaps Mason into action to try to regain a little control.

“Okay, so what do we do now?”

I love how the whole room just turned into a mass of chaos and drama the minute their leader went down. If it had been anyone else that had gone done, Sharon immediately would have taken control and calmed everyone, but without her there everything kind of falls apart. And now they are all just standing around morosely unsure what to do now.

“We hope that Sharon is just dehydrated or exhausted.”

This is one of the few times that Provenza uses Sharon’s name rather than her rank, especially at work. In this moment she is far more to him than the “Commander” she is Sharon, a person for whom he now cares very deeply. As many have said, they have sure come a long way.

“Sir, I know this is hard, but please wait out here while we help her.” “I’m her husband.” “Okay, sorry but we don’t allow family…” “Also, I have one of these.”

Oh how I loved this moment. It was SO fanfic. There was no way Andy was letting Sharon go into that emergency room alone and if that meant pushing his badge in someone’s face, so be it. I’d love to see what would have happened if someone had tried to physically restrain him. Wasn’t happening.

“It was outrageous and unprofessional and probably contributed to the collapse of Sharon Raydor.”

Again, not “Commander Raydor” Sharon Raydor. Provenza is definitely still upset about Sharon and pissed as hell with the FBI and he doesn’t care who Mason is, he’s letting him have it. Provenza doesn’t do well with change at all, he gave Brenda a hard time when she took over, then he gave Sharon a hard time, he was tough on Fritz and now he’s been tough on Mason even before Sharon collapsed.

“They already did an EKG or an EEG or maybe both and an MRI” “All of that for the flu? “ “The doctor said it was standard.”

Oh, the fear on Rusty’s face. He already sounds shaken but when Provenza says that it really throws him and makes him start to worry that Sharon’s problem is more serious than it is. Provenza sees it too and immediately starts backpedaling making wisecracks about them taking advantage of Sharon’s good insurance, because that’s what good granddads do.

“Lieutenant you didn’t need to come all the way down here.” “Oh Commander you certainly seem to be better than the last time I saw you.”

Aww…Provenza’s little wave when he comes in and his obvious relief at seeing Sharon sitting up and looking…well I was going to say well …but she looked freaking gorgeous.

And how about Andy. This is supposed to be 24 hours later and he’s wearing the same clothes. Aww…the guy stayed with her all night. Now that is love.

“No, we’re waiting for the doctor. “To tell us what we already know. She had the flu, she works too much and she needed some rest.”

Oh, Andy sweetheart. He really NEEDS that to be true because he can’t even contemplate the idea that there is something really wrong with his ladylove. Also, that response was taken right out of the Bill Adama book of denial.

“Well, maybe I can get back before you talk to them.” “Oh my God, Mom.” “Sharon you’ll need physician to sign off on whether you can go back to work or not because, them’s the rules.” “The rules, Mom, THE RULES.”

Dad and son ganging up on mom and using her own words against her. And the little sneer Sharon gives them. What a great comedic moment amongst all the drama. Andy must have particularly enjoyed that moment because between his blood clot and the heart attack and given his drive to get back to work I’m sure she was constantly reminding him of that.

“I’m her son.” “I’m her husband…almost.”

Oh, the melting look Sharon gives him when he says this. She loves that sweet goofball and is not having second thoughts about marrying him.

“And I’m her esteemed colleague.”

Of course Provenza had to add the “esteemed.”

“Colleagues are definitely leaving, children are leaving and unmarried partners are also leaving.”

Andy pulling out his badge again with the “yeah yeah yeah, I’m not going anywhere look” only to be asked, “You want me to hold that for you while you wait outside?”

Andy took it better this time and didn’t push it, but I loved the sweet little squeeze he gave Sharon’s foot before he left the room. One thing that surprised me with this scene is the doctor arbitrarily making everyone leave. He was about to deliver some scary news to Sharon, you’d think he would have asked her if she wanted Andy to remain with her. A lot of times when doctor’s have to give a diagnosis like this they actually want to have family members present, for emotional support and also as an advocate, because the patient is obviously going to be pretty emotional about what they are being told and may not even remember half of what the doctor said. Or may focus on the negative etc. I’m not going to quibble about this though, because Sharon is so private I think she would have asked to be alone anyway and it did make for an amazing scene between her and Andy later.

“What I’m going to tell you is initially going to sound upsetting.”

Oh man, here comes the freaking ax, was exactly what was going through my mind when the doctor said this.

“But we have ways of dealing with this problem and we’ve caught it so soon that I think no matter what, you’ll end up in a good place.”

Okay, so I can breathe again. Whatever she has is survivable. And it sounds like no matter what happens things will end well for her. No diloxin…oops chemo, no losing her hair…I can handle that. But what I couldn’t handle was the look on Sharon’s face. She’s so scared and there are tears in her eyes. Oh honey, Andy should be there at your side holding your hand.

Next came some interviews with the boys which really for me ended up being just a bunch of “blah blah blah” who cares, get me back to Sharon in that hospital. I NEED to know what is wrong with her! Honestly, it was more annoying than anything, because it was just an interruption for what I really wanted to be watching.

“Sharon, the doctor wanted you to rest.” “I’m home, I’m sitting.”

Oh Sharon, your Andy is showing.

How sweet that Buzz came over to brief her.

Andy is in the light purple sweater again!

Andy the watchdog, looking from Sharon to his watch frustrated that she isn’t wrapping things up when she is supposed to be resting and the exasperated looks between Andy and Rusty. They have their hands full with Sharon. Funny that Sharon “Andy you’re supposed to be resting” Raydor clearly does not take her own advice. And now Andy knows what it feels like to be on the other side of this little scenario.

The  fist bump between Buzz and Andy as Buzz leaves, I feel like Buzz was trying to buck Andy up.

The condo looks beautiful with all Sharon’s hospital flowers everywhere.

“And then can you tell me what the doctor said about everything.” “Yes, everything.”

She smiles at him but when she looks down at the computer her smile fades and we can see the tension. This is not a conversation she wants to have. And Andy, oh my heart, the way he looks at her and his little sigh. He’s scared as hell now--because if it had just been the flu, Sharon would have said so. Something is wrong.

Andy has learned a lot in his relationship with Sharon. He really knows who she is. He knows that he can’t push her or invade her space. That she needs to have the time to wrap her mind around things before she can express herself. She’s not impulsive like he is. And this has to be hard for him because it goes against who he is. Andy is not a patient man, he’s the kind of guy that wants to push himself into situations, but he doesn’t do that with Sharon and he hasn‘t done that with her throughout their relationship. He allows her the space that she needs to come to terms with things and when he does push her it is a gentle nudge. One of the things I love so much about Andy is that he can be such a tough hard ass, but with Sharon, he is so sweet, gentle, and patient.

When we first saw Sharon and Andy in the condo in this scene my first thought was that the doctor told her what was wrong with her, she told Andy, and we weren’t going to get to see any of that. Because that’s the way this show usually goes. All the important things take place off screen. BUT NOT THIS TIME!

When we come back, an emotional Sharon is staring at herself in the mirror without her glasses on. This scene was pretty shocking and did not at all feel like “Major Crimes” (that is NOT a bad thing) because we’ve never gotten the opportunity to see anything so personal with Sharon. In fact, with the pale robe on when the camera pans out, for a moment I thought she was standing there naked. From the look on her face and the tears in her eyes, despite the doctor’s optimistic prognosis, we can see that whatever she has, it is serious.

What was she thinking? I think she is afraid. She’s emotional about her diagnosis and how Andy is going to handle it. And she’s afraid of losing him. What if it’s too much for him? Also, by telling someone it makes it real.

“Are you done, cause I’m getting more stressed by the second?”

Poor Andy, he’s sitting in the bedroom on pins and needles and finally calls out to her expressing his worry. That gets Sharon’s attention. The last thing she wants is for Andy’s blood pressure to go through the roof and she knows that it’s time. He’s been very patient and it really hasn’t been fair for her to take so long to let him know what is happening. As she makes her way to him, she puts her glasses back on. I think she is using them as a way of keeping control of her emotions, sort of like a shield.

“I have something called cardiomyopathy.” “Well, that’s kind of a broad term. I mean it could be nothing, right?”

Oh Andy, your Bill Adama is really showing again. He desperately does not want to believe that there is anything wrong with Sharon.

“Well, it’s not nothing.”

And there is Sharon’s Laura Roslin, trying to bring some reality into the situation.

“If things get worse there are other steps. There’s surgery, um transplant.”” “Transplant!”

Okay, so now she has thoroughly freaked Andy out. Why did she bring up the transplant? If the following looks familiar to any of you, it’s because it was in my response to @themagicm and her very insightful pod cast. If you haven’t listened to it, you should really check it out. Anyway, this is my take on it.

Sharon is a very honest person and she is trying to lay everything out on the table. She doesn’t want to hide anything from him even if it freaks him out. I also think the idea of a transplant scares the hell out of her so by listing it up there as one of the many options, it takes away the scare value. It’s just another option. But Andy is hearing it for the first time and is reacting probably the way Sharon did when the doctor talked to her.

Also, I think it ties in to her past and Jack, and Andy’s personality. Sharon has been alone for a long time, dealing with things on her own with no one to share her burdens. She has finally begun to trust that she has that someone in Andy and then this happens and she starts to wonder if he’s really going to be up to sticking it out with her if it gets bad, or will he cut and run which was Jack’s modus operandi. She’d rather know now, rather than have it happen after they get married when it will only break her heart even more. Also, she knows Andy. He is already in a bit of denial, trying to brush it off saying it could be nothing and she needs him to know that it isn’t nothing and that it could get very bad and she wants to be completely upfront about that and make sure he truly understands what might happen before he makes any promises or vows.

“Until I know more, I think we should postpone the wedding.  It’s not fair to you.” “Absolutely not. You think I’d let anything get in the way of becoming your husband.”

Oh wow, the way their voices break and then Andy’s quick and firm response.

From the moment Duff said that Sharon was going to try to call off the wedding, I knew it wasn’t going to be because she got cold feet or changed her mind or anything. I always felt the only thing that would cause her to do this would be an illness and that she would be doing it because she didn’t want to be some kind of burden to Andy. Then with this case and her issues with the church, I started to wonder if her wanting to call it off had to do with her possibly no longer wanting to marry in the church, but I never thought it would be about her changing her mind. It took Sharon a long time to admit that she and Andy were more than friends, she had to think about dating him, about sleeping with him, about moving in with him, but by the time he asked her to marry him, she didn’t have to think about it anymore. She knew exactly what she wanted and if she’d had any reservations she would have had no qualms telling Andy she had to think about it, but instead she said yes right away.

I also believe her when she says she wants to postpone the wedding, remember she never said cancel, just postpone, because she feels it isn’t fair to Andy to get married without knowing exactly where she is with this illness. She wants him to know exactly what he is signing on for and to be able to have time to process all this and make sure she is still the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with given what could happen. I think it will take a long time for the specter of Jack and his disappearances to work their way out of Sharon’s psyche.

“I want you to think about this, just for a second.” “I don’t need a second.”

Sharon knows her honey well. She knows Andy is impulsive and he doesn’t always think things through. She wants him to really think about this and see if being with her is still what he wants. But Andy doesn’t need a second because it simply doesn’t matter. Whatever happens to her in the future he is already 100% committed to her. The ceremony and the marriage certificate are just formalities, the icing on the cake. As he said earlier in the episode, “I’m her husband.”

“I never told you this. But when I was sick and you helped me through it. No one’s ever treated me that well.”

That statement right there and the way he said it,  just broke my heart. What kind of people have been in his life that he was never treated as well as Sharon treated him when he was recovering.  I’ve gone into this quite in depth in another post but this is something I’d love, love, love to have explored. Here we are 13 seasons into the character of Andy Flynn and we still know so precious little about him. I’d love to have more on this, but given that it’s the last season, I’m sure this is the last we’ll hear of it. But really, this could have been an interesting storyline to run during that time of his recovery while he was staying with Sharon. Something that would have been personal to THEM as a couple and something to give us more insight into Andy’s past. So, so, many missed opportunities. There are times I’d like to just wring Duff’s neck.

“I don’t know if I deserve it and I don’t know why you care about me but it’s all I can do right now to wait until the ceremony…to call you my wife and to be your husband. And if we’re not gonna let my heart get in the way of that, then we’re not gonna let yours stop us either.”

This is exactly what Sharon needed to hear. Andy isn’t saying he still wants to marry her because it’s the right thing to do or out of some sense of obligation. No, he lets her know that he is so eager to marry her he feels like he can’t wait for the ceremony to happen so he can start calling her his wife and so he will be her husband. Also, he reminds her that he has some issues with his ticker too and she could have had second thoughts about that, but she didn’t and he doesn’t.

So after all this time, Andy still doesn’t know if he deserves Sharon or why she cares about him so much and Sharon doesn’t know if Andy will still want to marry her knowing where her condition might lead them. For two people as confident as they are at work, they have personal pasts that make them rather insecure in the relationship department.

I really like the idea of them marrying before Sharon has a full diagnosis because that is really a leap of faith--which is what this part of the season is supposed to be about. Faith. Faith that Sharon will be okay, faith that Andy won‘t walk away if the going gets tough, faith that if things aren’t okay they can handle it together.

“The only change we’re gonna make is no honeymoon. We don’t go to Ireland until we know exactly what you’re up against.”

Love that an O’Dwyer and a Flynn had chosen to follow their roots back to Ireland. While personality wise Sharon and Andy are very different people, they do share certain roots. They are both Irish, both Catholic and they’ve both chosen to enforce justice as a profession.

I’d wondered if Sharon and Andy having a honeymoon was just going to be ignored, if they would say they were just going away for a few days, or if they would have to cancel a honeymoon because of the case, because I was damn sure we weren’t going to get to see the honeymoon. I’m glad they were planning a big honeymoon, just as I am glad they are doing the big church wedding with bridesmaids and groomsmen, and Sharon in a long formal gown. Just because it’s a second marriage doesn’t mean that it means less and that you shouldn’t make it as meaningful or as much of a celebration as a first wedding, especially considering how long Sharon and Andy have been alone.

Last, the look on Sharon’s face when he says this. She understands that it has to happen, but she looks very disappointed. I love that she was looking forward to the honeymoon. It was always harder to read Sharon in this relationship, compared to Andy whom we know was in love with her for a very long time. So it’s nice to see how much all this means to her.

“Unless y…you changed your mind about us? Have you changed your mind about us?”

Oh Andy, you are continuing to break my heart. It goes back to that, “I don’t know if I deserve you” He’s so worried and unsure. It’s as if he still can’t believe that Sharon really wants to marry him.

And then the best moment ever.

“No…Andy…No.”

Oh, Sharon’s starting to cry. Her voice is so broken up she doesn’t even get a full “Andy” out. Not marrying Andy is the last thing she wants. She was only offering him an out and I think was probably very scared he would accept it. Pragmatically she would have understood, but I think it would have broken her heart.

“I love you so….SO much”

Not only did we FINALLY get an I love you, we got a heartfelt, emotional, broken, I love you so SO much. In a way, it seemed almost strange to hear her say this because we’ve never gotten a real heartfelt emotional scene between them. We’ve never heard them talking about personal things or about their relationship and certainly not about how much they love one another, so to hear Sharon say it this way, coming from the depths of her heart was really quite something. And I’m glad that Sharon was the one to say it. Andy’s actions have spoken of his love for her for several years; it was harder to know where Sharon stood. We needed to hear it and hear it that emotionally from her.

Also, in another BSG parallel, Sharon’s I love you was very much like Laura’s choked up I love you to Adama. The only difference was that when Laura did it, it didn’t feel as strange as Sharon’s (strange but amazing). We had gotten so many more intimate scenes with Laura and Bill than we have had with Sharon and Andy, even though Sharon and Andy are just about to be married. How strange is that?

“As long as you understand what I am dealing with here.” “What we’re dealing with, okay? “Okay.”

There were so many things I loved in this scene but Andy stressing the WE’RE dealing with, and the way Sharon sniffs and smiles “Okay” was one of my favorites. You can already see that Sharon is feeling better at Andy’s strong and adamant response. Imagine if she had to go through this alone, or just with Rusty. She would always have to be the strong one, reassuring Rusty, as happens later. With Andy, she can express her fears and be vulnerable. She can allow HIM to help her be strong and to help carry her burden. With Andy, she is not alone.

And then Andy, being Andy, he makes her laugh through her tears by reminding her of the doctor kicking him out of her room before he tells her he wants her to try to remember word for word what the doctor said so he can know exactly what they are up against. Sharon’s never had someone at her side helping her through things, and it made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside and I think it really warmed Sharon too. You could just see the relief on her face. Andy isn’t going anywhere, Andy is going to make her laugh and feel better about things, and he is going to stand by her side and help her through this.

Last, I just wanted to comment on the vulnerability of this whole scene. Andy opening up about never having been treated as well as Sharon treats him and Sharon, oh my goodness, Sharon. We’ve seen Andy vulnerable before but we’ve never seen Sharon vulnerable and it was a beautiful thing to witness. People often equate weakness with vulnerability but that just isn’t the case. There was strength in Sharon’s vulnerability and openness that I’ve never seen in her before. And Mary played it beautifully. That last moment when the camera focuses on her face her eyes are filled with that aching vulnerability,  and it brought me to renewed tears.

The only thing missing was some kind of physical contact, a hug, or Andy pulling her over to sit beside him on the bed and taking her in his arms, or even him just cupping a hand over her cheek and wiping away a tear. Anything. I loved the scene but I just think it called for something physical.

“I’m worried that with the Commander out sick there isn’t a real plan here.” “I find that offensive, Hobbs. I’ve been a detective for over forty years and I know exactly what I’m doing. Besides, it’s the Commander’s plan.”

So Hobbs really trusts Sharon and isn’t so sure about things when she isn’t around. I love that.  I also loved the looks Mike and Julio share when Provenza says he finds that offensive, like oh whoa here we go, this ought to be good. And yet, as offended as he is, Provenza does throw out the fact that he is following the Commander’s plan, knowing that will get Hobbs off his back.

“I’m getting tired of this silent movie.”

Me too Provenza. All I was thinking watching this interview was “Who cares? Go back to Sharon and Andy please.”

“Where is everyone? I’m sure they’re not listening in, that would be so against the rules.”

There goes Andy bringing up those rules again. I’m betting that in going back to work so soon, Sharon may be pushing a few of those rules. And doesn’t she have to meet with Mason and inform him of her condition and any restrictions she’s under? Andy had to do that with her. So, Andy followed the rules better than Sharon did?

“He said it was because of the way I am. The things I did.”

Those are the exact words Sharon Beck used on Rusty. Both parents excused their abusive behavior by blaming it on their child’s homosexuality. How sick is that.

“Detective Paige, thank you for your boundless enthusiasm.”

This coupled with Wes shaking his head at her and Provenza’s dirty look finally seemed to get through to Cami. Although it obviously wasn’t easy, she kept her mouth shut.

“So it’s cardio…Cardio, what?” “Cardiomyopathy.”

Rusty immediately googling this condition was perfect. I’m sure the die- hard fans were all doing the same thing the minute Sharon told Andy what her heart condition was. Then as he starts to get upset with what he is reading she takes his phone away from him and tells him the disease varies from person to person and not to believe everything he reads on the internet. Anyone, like me, who has ever looked up a physical ailment online, knows that what pops up is usually a worst-case scenario.

“Dr. Jacobs is a very experienced cardiologist and he told me that most people die with this disease, not from it.”

Well, that’s comforting; it would be even more comforting if we didn’t have this “setback” looming in the future.

“Well, what can I do to help?”

So, Rusty has actually matured. He didn’t freak out the way I thought he would and he didn’t make it all about him.

“Accept the full undercover security detail that the LAPD is recommending. It would take a lot of stress off my heart, I’m sure.

Oh Sharon, you do have a sneaky devious side LOL. Catholic mother guilt at its best.

“Wow, I know it’s your job to make people feel guilty enough to take a deal, but wow.”

Love that Rusty is actually amused by this and that Sharon gives him that “Oh well, I’ll do what I have to do and I’m not apologizing” shrug. It was adorable.

“Thank you for agreeing to this. It means a lot to me.”

I had been surprised that in the last three episodes Sharon hasn’t seemed overly concerned with Stroh’s return or Rusty not accepting the security detail. But obviously, it has been weighing heavily on her mind.

“Well, he ordered the salmon.”

Andy’s answer when Rusty asks him if he thinks Gus will come to the wedding.  Andy is such a GUY. He doesn’t get into the angsty will he or won’t he emotions, he’s just matter of fact about it. He ordered food so I guess he’s coming. But what I was really thinking was “Oh, salmon is one of the dishes that will be offered at the reception” Because I’m all about the Shandy wedding details.

Again, Andy and Sharon are stunning together. Love Andy’s red polka dot tie matching Sharon’s red polka dot blouse.

“Dr. Garza is there something we should know.”

How nice is it to see Andy interviewing again. This episode seemed SO much more a Major Crimes episode with the focus on Sharon and Andy and Provenza and even the rest of the team, with Cami and Wes and Mason more in the background, where they should be.

“Right this way, your somewhat holiness.”

Yep, Andy is really back. I complained last week that Andy was not his brash wise cracking self and that they were giving all his lines to Wes, but Andy is back completely this week and that makes me feel oh so much better.

Mary and Tony and all the cast were phenomenal in this episode.

Next weeks promo-Not surprised they didn’t even mention that the wedding was happening. It’s only the biggest thing to happen on this show, the day fans have been waiting for for four years, but hey the last thing they want to do is increase the ratings.

So, now onto the wedding. I simply can’t wait and sincerely hope it is not just one minute at the end of the episode. I want to see that wedding!

Unfinished Medical Procedures Fic

In which Lin takes Alex to see a neurologist and has a series of brain tests done (EEG and MRI) to make sure nothing more serious is wrong. I wrote this last January while I was snowed in and highly productive. This was before I knew what in the verse to write and was doing a little of everything. I stopped working on it when “Where You Started” took over and demanded all my attention. At this point it’s been so long that I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to it, but it has some really nice moments that deserve to see the light of day, so here it is. 

They are at first neurologist appointment, discussing tests he wants to run before prescribing medication to prevent migraines.

 “It’s not at all scary, not like the MRI,” the doctor reassures them after expressing the need for an EEG. “All that happens is we attach electrodes, which look a bit like watch batteries, to different parts of your head with washable glue. Each one is attached to a wire that records the brain signals. You’ll just lie on a bed for an hour and your parents can stay with you.”

It’s starting to become a thing that every doctor they see refers to them as Alex’s “parents”, “Dad” or “Mom”. They’ve given up on correcting it.

“Now one part of an EEG that is challenging is that we intentionally put the brain under a lot of stress to increase the likelihood of catching unusual activity.”

Lin’s eyes widen at this and he gives Alex’s knee a squeeze. As if he doesn’t have enough stress on his brain already.

“What exactly does that mean? Can it be done without that?”

“It would just be a waste of time and money to be honest. The biggest aspect of this is sleep deprivation. For teens this means staying up for at least 24 hours beforehand.”

Alex full on rolls his eyes at this. Even Lin has to crack a smile. Alex would consider being allowed to stay up all night a special treat.

“I saw that look. It’s noted on his health history he has insomnia. Is staying up like that typical for Alexander?”

“Very. If we aren’t policing him Alex will go a full week with only a couple of hours of sleep.”

“That does not sound at all healthy and increases my worries about unusual brain activity. I’d be interested to see what’s going on in his head when that’s happening.” Wouldn’t we all. “If we’re going to do this, it’s best to do it right. Do you think Alexander could tolerate going 48 hours?”

“Alexander’s right here, you know!”

Lin grins. He loves Alex’s sassy side.

“What do you think Alex?”

“Please. That’s cake. I can go longer if you want.”

“No!” Lin and Vanessa say at the same time.

 Alex is confident in his ability (and likely ecstatic to be allowed to stay up that long), but Lin can’t help but be nervous that this might not end well.

 There’s a catch. Of course, there’s a catch. When Lin finally reads through the info packet on the test the night before Alex starts the sleep purge one detail jumps out at him: absolutely no caffeine.

Alex’s entire existence is powered by mass quantities of caffeine, which is one of the many things they have in common. Him and Vanessa have figured out that even when Alex is home sick or recovering from a bad migraine he still needs coffee, or else caffeine withdrawal symptoms get added to his illness. With all his anxiety cutting back on Alex’s consumption has been on the “things with Alexander that need to be addressed” list for a while now, but they haven’t gotten to it yet. Partially because that would mean Lin going through coffee detox with him to avoid looking like a huge hypocrite and partially because then they would lose their most powerful Alex negotiation tool. Need to convince him to do something he doesn’t want to? Bribe with extra coffee. Need to get Alex to stop an unhealthy behavior like refusing to go to bed? Threaten to take away his coffee. In their defense they are very new to this whole parenting thing.

 He does try to convince Alex to back out of this and just do the twenty-four hours, but once Alex gets something in his head as a personal challenge there is no backing out.

 The pamphlet recommended having an adult stay up with him to make sure he doesn’t sleep, but they all know that with Alex on the first night it’s not at all necessary. They’ll save that for the second night, if for nothing else then to keep him company and show solidarity.

The next morning over breakfast all Lin has to do is take one look at Alex to know this is proving more difficult than they had anticipated, taking in how pale he is and the already increased size of the bags under his eyes.

“Alex, you’re not going to school today.”

“What? No, I’m fine.”

“Even so, I’d really prefer if you didn’t, mijo.” He wants Alex near him just in case something goes wrong.

Lin’s concerned that if he leaves Alex home alone he might accidently fall asleep, which would normally please him, but that would just mean having to start this whole thing all over again. However, since Alex isn’t actually sick, Lin can’t quite justify taking the day off with him (given how many times he’s done that already), so he quickly comes to the decision to have Alex tag along with him all day. Besides it would probably be better if Alex was up and about doing things all day.

 [Insert fluff of spending day together and finally meeting the cast for real. I’ll get to it!]

-         Spoiler from nearly a year later, nope never did, oops.

 Later on in the day at the Public Theater backstage, Lin finally convinces Alex to formally meet a few people.  Knocks on Daveed and Oaks door. 

“Hey Daveed, there’s someone I’d like you to meet. This is my…this is Alex.”

A man with one of the largest afro’s Alex has ever seen pops his head out. He looks familiar though.

“Alex. Good to finally meet you officially.”

“Hi.” Alex resists the urge to hide behind Lin. Not cool Alex. Not cool at all! You’re fifteen, not five.

“I’m glad to see you looking better. You really worried me a couple weeks ago.”

That’s it. He recognizes the voice now. This was the guy who called him “baby Lin” and had so frantically called Lin claiming he needed an ambulance. Alex could just about melt into the floorboards in embarrassment. What the heck is he supposed to say after meeting someone like that?

“Wait until you hear Daveed rap tonight Alex. The man’s a beast!” Lin gushes, completely oblivious to Alex’s humiliation. Or is it because of?

“Are you seeing the show tonight?”

Alex nods. Why is talking so hard?

“You’re in for a real treat! You’ve got a certified genius for a foster dad. Seriously, if anyone else had pitched this idea to me, I would have laughed at them, but because it’s Lin... Okay, I still laughed at him. Listen, I want to apologize for our last encounter Alex. We’ve been hearing Lin talk about you for so long, we were a little too eager, but shouldn’t have burst in like that. I’m sorry for the additional pain we caused you.”

Alex gapes at him. Nope—no idea how to respond to that either. He must look like such an idiot.

“Are you kidding?” cuts in Lin. “Daveed, you get that if you, Oak and Ramos hadn’t disregarded my orders to leave my kid alone, it probably would have been another hour before I checked on him? I don’t even want to think about what state he might have been in then. I am so incredibly grateful for your interference.”

Did Lin just call him his kid? What the hell is he supposed to think of that? This is his tweets referring to him as his ‘son’ all over again. Everyone had assumed he had meant Sebastian with that one, but sheesh. It flashes him back to the conversation he overhead Lin and Vanessa have about it while he was still recovering in bed.

“Oh come on, give me a break here! There are only 150 characters allowed. I don’t have room to put foster in front of it. Besides, the public doesn’t need to know about him.”

“You didn’t have to tweet about it at all.”

“People thought I was dying. I didn’t even give a goodnight tweet. I had to give some explanation.”

“And those fault is that? Lin, you have a twitter problem.”

  Lin is very aware that Alex has never seen him preform outside of ‘In The Heights’ youtube clips he caught him watching, so he decides to still go on as Hamilton as planned. Instead they get a sitter for Sebastian so Vanessa can sit in the audience with Alex.

 Alex is dazzled by the first act. Lin sees him from the stage go from drooping in his chair looking close to falling asleep to wide awake and hanging on every word by the second song. It makes for one of his best performances. Having Alex there and earning his approval matters so much more to him than any celebrity in the audience. What’s truly adorable is that when Vanessa brings him backstage during intermission Alex is acting shy and tongue tied around him, as if he’s suddenly star struck by his own foster dad. Lin’s not worried though, he knows it will pass the next time he annoys him.

“Did you really write that?” he asks shyly right before they leave to take their seats in the audience.

“I did.”

“How?!”

“It did take me seven years. If you like we can add a discussion of the writing process to our nights planned activities.”

“I’d like that.”

 It takes him a while to notice since his back is turned to the audience for the second half of “The World Was Wide Enough”, but as soon as Lin comes forward his eyes zero in right on Alex. He’s bawling his eyes out and Vanessa is starting to look worried. Lin’s distracted enough by this that he misses his cue and grabs Pippa’s hand at the wrong time. At least he doesn’t have to sing anymore. Lin doesn’t know how he could do it when his Alexander is in the front row crying like that. During the bows he makes eye contact with Vanessa who shoots him a panicked look. She holds up her phone to indicate that she sent him a text, which he nods at in confirmation. Once they’ve gone through the motions, he all but sprints off stage to get to his phone.

“Bit of a situation here. Alex *freaked out* when you got shot. Flashback maybe?”

“Stay put for now. Don’t try to navigate the crowds. I’ll meet you there once it clears out a bit. See if I can get security to move things along.”

“Did you hear him scream when Burr shot you?”

That was Alex? Shit! On most nights at least one person shouts out when that happens so it was barely registered. In retrospect, it did sound a little more anguished than normal.

 “You didn’t say you were going to die!” Alex wails, clinging tightly to Lin in a death grip.

“I’m sorry. It’s common knowledge that he dies in a duel. I thought you knew. Leslie even says he shoots me in the first song.”

“Shoots! Not kills!”

 Would give him a sedative if it wouldn’t make staying up any longer impossible.

 “Alex honey, you’re exhausted. Your emotions are all out of sorts right now. It was stupid of me to think seeing the show tonight would be a good idea.”

“No, I’m glad I saw it. It’s a masterpiece. You just need to change the ending.”

“Mijo, this isn’t just something I made up. You can’t rewrite the endings on a real person’s life and make it happy.”

“Then you need to play a different part where you don’t get shot.”

“It’s not real.”

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want you getting shot at every night.”

 Too exhausted to hold back emotions that night Alex ends up telling him about the cousin who took him in and moved them to New York after the hurricane and shot himself in the head soon after. That’s how Alex ended up in the American foster care system and why he’s not at all a fan of guns.

 Alex is not satisfied until he gets to examine the prop gun and confirm that it can’t hold bullets that someone who dislikes Lin might sneak in. Even so, they have to get the props department to remove the trigger to reassure Alex he’s not really being shot at and make it so that if someone replaced a prop gun with a real one it would be obvious. Even after all that, it’s clear Alex doesn’t trust Leslie.

   It’s past midnight and Alex and Lin are holed up in a café getting desert.

“Alexander, I know you don’t like talking about these things, but do you think you could fill me in a little on what happened tonight? That was a pretty big reaction.”

“I don’t like guns,” Alex mutters, taking a sip of his herbal tea. Even though it doesn’t provide the caffeine fix he takes comfort from the ritual of drinking a hot beverage. It gives him courage.

“Can you tell me more?”

“My cousin Peter shot himself in the head while I was in the next room. There was a loud bang, I ran in and he was on the ground. There was so much blood.”

This is a huge breakthrough. Alex has never shared anything about his past with them. All they know is the bare facts: his father’s not in the picture, his mother died quite suddenly of “natural causes”, cousin who was given guardianship of him committed suicide and he’d suffered unimaginable abuse at the hands of his most recent foster family. The exact details of these occurrences are foggy and until now Alexander hasn’t been willing to share.

“Do you think tonight was a flashback to that?” Lin tries to keep his tone mild and calm.

“Yeah…probably…” he looks so defeated. “When I hear a gunshot it’s like I’m back in that room again. Usually, like when Lee and Phillip were shot, I can talk myself out of it, remind myself it’s not real and I’m being stupid. But…when there was a gunshot and then you were keeled over... It looked like there was blood everywhere. I don’t think there was though. There was nothing to clean up after.”

“No Alex, there was no blood on stage.”

“All in my head,” he breathes heavily. The absolute exhaustion just oozes out of him. It’s clear all his defenses are down and Alex doesn’t have the energy to resist questioning. Lin will have to tread lightly.

“Do you think you could tell me more about Peter, mijo? Did he treat you okay?” Lin asks gently.

“I liked Peter. He was kind to me.” Alex stares down at his plate, not making any eye contact, but he talks. “After my mother died the probate court ordered all her possessions be auctioned off and the funds given to my half-brother, her legitimate son. Peter went to the auction and bought back all her books to give to me. He didn’t have to do that, I never asked him to and he never had much money, but he did anyway.”

“He sounds like a good guy,” Lin comments, encouraging him to go on.

“Peter was never stable though. His emotions were all over the place. He’d get really down sometimes and be too depressed to get out of bed for weeks. I ended up having to lie about my age and get a job so we could afford food and rent because he never went to work and couldn’t keep a job. When he got like that I’d have to bring him food or he wouldn’t eat at all. I used to worry all the time that he was going to die in bed like Mom. Sometimes he wouldn’t eat what I gave him, so I would force him and he’d yell at me to leave him alone to die.”

“How old were you when this happened, Alexander?”

“Twelve. I was twelve when I moved in with Peter.”

Over a year then. Over a year with that horribly depressing home life.

“It wasn’t always like that though. Sometimes Peter was full of energy. He was a lot of fun. He never slept much when he was like that and would take me out on wild late night adventures, sort of like we are now.” Alex smiles fondly. It’s clear that despite everything, he cared a great deal for the man. “Peter would get all these wild moneymaking schemes that he’d obsess over, but usually he’d get sad again before anything came of it. Except with moving to New York, that was the one plan he actually did and his mood didn’t change until a week after we moved.” Alex’s breath hitches in his throat. Lin can already see where this is going. “I don’t know where he got the gun…I should have kept a closer eye on him. I should have known the crash was coming.” Alex blinks rapidly, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“Mijo, it wasn’t your fault. Not even a little. It sounds like Peter had severe bipolar disorder that was untreated. Do you know what that is?”

“I’ve heard of it,” Alex sniffs.

“You never should have been put in a situation to have to care for him like you did.  He shouldn’t have been made responsible for a child in that state. It wasn’t fair to you.”

“I loved him.” At this the tears start running freely that Alex tries to rub away, though it makes no difference. Lin can’t hold back anymore and gets up from his seat across from him to pull Alex into a hug.

“I know honey, and that makes it so much worse.”

“I must not have mattered that much to him if he could kill himself and not care what happened to me.”

“He had a mental illness Alex. His brain was sick and not functioning properly. I don’t think he was capable of thinking of anything but his own misery at that moment. But it sounds like he did care about you a good deal.”

“He bought me back the books.”

“That’s right mijo, he bought you back your mother’s books. That sounds like a man who cared. Who loved you as much as he was able.”

Lin wishes so badly that this was the end of his trauma. That Alex was brought to live with them right after his cousin’s suicide, because surely all of that had been enough horror to last a lifetime. It’s not the end though. It’s not even close. After all of that Alexander’s story gets so much worse.

One year later.

Well, hasn't this been just a fine and dandy year! One year ago yesterday, Aug 25th I was able to come home from RJH in Victoria.

I just reread my posts from last year, and I have to say, it is a good thing I wrote things down because I do not remember half of it. I was very surprised to read about how sick I was. I remember being in the hospital, but not much more than that. Amazing how your brain protects you from evil painful things sometimes.

The last year has been nothing but better! My first few weeks at home were rough. I was admitted to NRGH for a week in Sept and again in October for dehydration and malnutrition. Before being released in October, it was determined that I could finally have some food/drink by mouth. This helped tremendously in the healing process. It was not long after that I was able to be off all pain meds. Pony was convinced that I went through a tough withdrawl from the fentanyl, but again, I don't remember.

Things just keep getting better since then. Eating and drinking came slowly. Getting enough calories/ nutrition was a huge struggle.  I spent a lot of time with my speech therapist, learning new strategies and exercises to help with the swallowing process. There were a lot of disappointments and frustrations. I was determined to get back to golf by Sept. Didn't happen. I was determined to have a Thanksgiving dinner, didn't happen. Thought I would have a dinner out for my birthday in Nov, didn't happen . Planned on a great Christmas dinner, didn't happen.

Some very joyful time too. Our first grandchild , Everett, arrived in November. Both the boys were here for Christmas Day. My very dear friend Bev came for a three week visit in Jan/Feb. We were able to go visit the kids in California in Feb. And the icing on the cake! I was determined to be eating solid food, before Everett and I made it!! So out of all the goals I set for myself at least I was able to meet one of them.

I was not able to have my feeding tube removed until June 13th.!! So much for my thought that I would only have to have it for one month! Even with the tube, I had a hard time getting enough in me to gain or maintain my weight. They wouldn't take it out until I went at least two weeks without using the tube and not losing any weight. I was doing well for a bit, then ended up with a throat infection that set me back two weeks.

My weight  dropped a total of 68 lbs. Of which I have regained 2 lbs. Some of the weight loss was needed, but it was a hell of a way to do it.  Not sure I need to put any of it back on, but it is still a struggle to not lose anymore. 

Food is still an issue. Meat especially is a challenge. Good steak, prawns, scallop and mussels are easy. Nothing but the best expensive stuff for me! Burger, chicken, rice and any sort of spice are totally off the menu, for now. Makes meals a chore but I try not to let it get me down. To compensate, I am eating some foods that are on my allergy list. So far, it hasn't been too bad, but I am being really careful.

I had a follow up PET scan in November, that came back NED ( no evidence of disease) and my check ups have been extended now to alternating  ENT and Oncologist visits every four months. They both do a camera scope when I see them. The protocol does not call for another PET or CT or MRI unless they see something unusual or I am having issues. I feel great, maybe not as energetic as before, but that, apparently is normal.  So it's the old no news is good news!

I suppose I have rambled on enough. I needed to put closure to this wild ride I was on. I have learnt so much in this past year, information that I hope none of you ever need to know, but I am here if you need. I am putting this last years troubles behind me, the good times in a special memory bank, and moving forward.  Thanks for supporting me on this incredible eye opening journey.

Deb