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daydream-believin · 3 years

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Never-Ending Roadtrip (Autumn in New York, pt 1)

Summary: (ch 1) (ch 10) Reader joins Douxie in the quest for Nari’s safety. He’ll need company won’t he? - chapter 9) new york tourism and some relaxation for a stressed-out emo wizard

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol mention, implied nudity (just a bath)

Word Count: 3542

A/n: Go listen to ‘autumn in new york’ by ella fitzgerald and louis armstrong to set the mood for this chapter and the next lol. i do like lovecore i promise. also this was going to be it but ive split it up. enjoy

Douxie was very careful to take inventory. One head, two head, dragon head, his own head. All accounted for. Four heads, no more no less. Not even a pesky stowaway gnome. His family was together. Up in the air, on the ship, winding blowing through their hair. Douxie could see sky scrapers on the horizon.

The trolls had been cordial in their goodbyes, but made no effort in giving the impression that they wanted the wizard family to stay any longer than they had. In fact, it was discouraged if not outright. The trolls almost gave off an aura of relief when they faded from view of the settlement. But that was understandable. Douxie’s family had caused a bit of trouble during their stay.

Bagdwella was certain that Archie was a bad omen for her shop and would freak out whenever he tried to enter. Y/n had been a bit confused and tried to explain to her that black cats were in fact supposed to bring wealth, not financial ruin, but apparently Bagdwella had been thinking of an old trollish superstition about dragons instead. Y/n had no counter to that.

Nari had no real knowledge of how money worked, and was determined to make that Douxie’s problem. And the problem of all the trolls in the shops of the town. There was a bit of a problem with her “dining and dashing” in the pub, the one troll eatery in the still developing town. Poor thing had no idea food costs money. Someone had always been around to feed her. Douxie and Y/n almost couldn’t keep up with the demand of sweaty socks they had to produce in order to pay the annoyed barman. Turns out it was somewhat hard to make sweaty socks when you’re actually trying to. It was like their feet realized what was happening and couldn’t pass up an attempt to make their owner’s lives harder.

As much as dear Y/n prided herself on being tolerant, she and Dictatious were going round and round. It was easier to ignore the guy when she didn’t have to live in close quarters with him but that luxury was lost on this stay in Trollmarket. Y/n and Dic argued every time they were in close proximity. She couldn’t help it. The old troll had opinions, and those opinions were wrong. And don’t even get Y/n started on how sad and then angry he made Blinky feel with the whole dead, wait not dead just an evil traitor, wait now he’s okay somewhat, thing. And his personality was shit. Peace was never an option.

Needless to say the trolls were in fact happy to send off the wizards. Douxie was happy to no longer suddenly hear a clatter and then instantly get a headache knowing it was probably one of his problems. They had only been in Trollmarket a few days. Okay so a week, they had stayed there a week. It was only seven days. Eight actually. So to say, they hadn’t been there long enough to cause any real problems. And now they were headed to New York. New York New York.

Douxie was ready to get some quality romance in with his wife. Autumn in New York was perfect for that. The city streets glowed with life. A nice stroll down the sidewalks painted in golden light, arm in arm, carrying the warmth in their hearts and bodies with them, was just what they needed. There were lots of sights to see, and Y/n loved to see them. And it was heavily populated, which would make it safer. Safe was something greatly needed.

For some reason, ever since that one night in the forest, Doux had felt like watching his back. It was tiresome, always being on edge. Of course, he had been this whole trip. But recently it had been amplified. Douxie didn’t know if he was sensing the Order’s presence or if being wed had turned up his protective instincts up to an eleven, but it really would be fantastic to be in a safer environment. He was crossing his fingers New York was one.

Just outside of city limits, the boat was shrunken into a little toy and placed back inside of it’s bottle. The little bottle fit neatly in the backpack that Y/n was wearing. Everything fit neatly into the backpack that Y/n was wearing. It was charmed. Doux would rather it be in hers than his, just as a peace of mind. A quick getaway for her lest they ever be separated. He wasn’t too worried about himself. Nari clung to her side, so it would also be best to keep it with her in order to protect Nari. Yeah, that was totally the reason.

They hailed a cabbie and took it into the bustling city. Douxie had pulled a couple strings with his old buddies, and managed to get them an apartment to stay in. The owner wouldn’t be back for a few weeks, and was happy to have someone to house sit for her. Douxie was happy to have a roof over his family’s head he didn’t have to pay for. It was a win-win.

Y/n never stopped looking out the window the entire cab ride. Douxie thought her excitement was adorable. She had her arm stretched over Nari in the middle to be able to hold his hand. The veggie lady didn’t mind. She was also focused on the view out the windows, fascinated by the sheer number of cars and the heights of the tall buildings. Douxie could feel Y/n’s wedding ring as she squeezed his hand. It helped calm him.

This apartment was owned by a starlet. It was huge, for New York standards. It was really high up, which made Douxie a wee bit nervous. Eleventh floor. It was eccentrically decorated, with bright colors. There was a wall in the living space that was a floor-to-ceiling window, covered by pale pink curtains and strings of heart-shaped beads. The other walls had a wallpaper that was white with red rose motifs. The couch was bright cherry red, furry, and oddly shaped. The kitchen cabinets were painted hot pink, with frosted glass doors that bore a rose pattern. The refrigerator was also cherry red, with white and pink heart-shaped stickers stuck onto it. Everything was fucking red, white, or pink. It looked like Saint Valentine himself threw up. Douxie was afraid to see what the bedroom looked like.

Douxie checked the fridge. Yeah, it was empty, apart from the box of takeaway from who knows when and the three bottles of wine. To be expected, of a single young up-and-comer, one supposes. They would have to go get groceries. Archie was making biscuits on the fluffy surface of the couch. It was probably very soft, Douxie had yet to touch it himself. He was kind of afraid of it, to be honest. Nari seemed to also like it, and was spread out on the top, limbs hanging over the back of the couch. Y/n opened the curtains a bit and was staring out the window. Doux headed for the bedroom, to go see what they were working with.

The bedroom was not in any way tamer than the open living space, but at least it wasn’t as bad as Douxie was expecting with the ah, love theme this place had going. It could have been worse. It was fluffy, pink, and glittery, but at least it was rated PG. Apart from the heart-shaped bed, it looked like it could have been a dressing room. There was a vanity with lights ringing the mirror and one of those dressing screens in the corner with several feather boas hanging over it like some kind of cliché movie set. Douxie was setting his backpack down, as he sat on the side of the bed turned away from the door, when he heard someone go into the en suite. And then he heard various noises of,, happy surprise? Sounded like Y/n.

“DEWDROP! THERES A HEART-SHAPED TUB. A FUCKING HEART-SHAPED TUB. COME LOOK.”

Bleeding balroths. Douxie rolled his eyes as he stood up from the comfy feather mattress to go see what she was shouting at him about. The tiles that covered the bathroom were annoyingly pink. The air smelled like something he could only describe as pink. Sure enough, there was a heart-shaped tub like someone’s cheesy honeymoon suite, and his wife was already in it, despite it not having any water. She wore an all too familiar cheshire cat grin on her face. He had one word for this.

“No.”

“Whatever.” Y/n stuck her tongue out childishly. “You’ll change your mind tonight. You will join me in the incredibly fragrant heart-shaped bubble bath, Dewdrop. Mark my words.”

~ ~ ~ As a first stop on the itinerary, they decided on Central park. Some greenery for Nari. And for Y/n too. Trees were good for the soul and one should never spend too much time on concrete. Gave Archie something to scratch that was not the couch that they did not own. It was fine when he did it in Arcadia, their sofa was old and tattered anyways, but not here in the apartment they were housesitting.

Y/n claimed the walk through nature was necessary to restore the energy lost on the trip into the city. The walkways were paved, and Douxie had to really keep an eye on both Nari and Y/n, who should know better, from wandering off the path. Maybe he should get two baby leashes when they were to shop later. Occasionally they would pass by a café. Douxie was glad he was not working in one of those. This trip was a much-needed vacation, as stressful as it was.

A little ways in and they came across a pond, with a cute little bridge that the walkway went under. Douxie rubbed his hand over the stones as they walked through. It was worn, as many hands had also done so over the decades. This bridge, as old as the park itself, was still younger than him. And it had met so many more people than he could even fathom. Doux himself had met so many people over the years. He had been touched by many too, like this little bridge. And just like the people who touched this bridge, none of them quite knew the impact they would be leaving. What they were wearing down. He heard a happy squeal as Y/n and Nari made a sudden sprint ahead of him. Apparently, there were ducks in this pond.

The Met was just a few minutes’ walk from where they exited the park. Douxie was happy with the idea of a quiet art museum trip, that sounded peaceful and relaxing. He needed all the peaceful and relaxing he could get right now. Y/n was actually really excited about this one despite it being not that exciting of an activity. She was trying to psych up Nari. “It’ll be fun, we can pretend we’re a gang of art thieves and we’re doing recon for a heist.” The veggie lady had no idea what any of those words meant.

There were lots of paintings in the Met gallery. It contained multitudes. One painting, they passed as they walked down the corridors, Y/n stopped, transfixed, stared at the painting for a few minutes, and then carried on like nothing happened. She didn’t look particularly sad, or happy, just confused, like she was processing something. Douxie made a mental note to ask her about it later.

Next stop was a walk down Fifth Avenue. It’s not like they could afford to shop, but it was a must-do in NYC so they must-did. They walked holding hands with Nari in the middle like their child. She liked looking in all the window displays. Every so often she would stop to stare and they would tug her along. The trees lining the sidewalks presented their autumn colors. The oranges and golds gave the streets a cheery vibe.

They passed a few food trucks. The trucks were filling the air with various delicious aromas. Douxie’s stomach growled loudly. Y/n giggled and suggested they pick a truck for lunch. Douxie had his eye on a fish and chips truck. It didn’t make ‘em quite like you could get in London but it was trying. A for effort. Y/n thought it was fantastic. Douxie was just spoiled.

They made their way over to the Rockefeller Center, just around the corner. A short walk and Y/n had spotted a coffee shop. So now they were going to a coffee shop. Douxie couldn’t help it, she looked at him with such big eyes. What was he supposed to do, say no?

The coffee shop was warm, and much appreciated relief from the autumn chill that had taken over. And a nice warm drink was sorely needed. Y/n found a nice couch in the back of the shop. Douxie sunk in, deeper than he expected to be able to sink in, but it was an old couch sunk into by many people. It was cozy. The love of thousands made it the sofa the way that it was. Love had made it squishy, love had made it comfy. Speaking of love and squishy and comfy, Doux pulled his dear wife Y/n to his side in an embrace. Low-key cuddling on the coffee shop couch was the best part of Douxie’s day. Nice, relaxing, he needed this. He pressed a kiss to the top of Y/n’s hair.

The Top of the Rock is an observatory deck in Rockefeller Center. Very high up in the air, one can see a great view of the city skyline and get a peek at that famous empire state building. Archie didn’t really care about it, he could get aerial sights any time he wanted, so he took this time to take a nap. Y/n leaned close to the glass, amazed and getting slightly wooed by the city. Douxie slung his arm around her, and, under the guise of affection, pulled her a few steps back. She really was hell-bent on stopping his fragile heart. And then Nari just straight up put her hands, paws, on the glass and put her body weight on the window. Nope. Douxie made sure to ask her to step away from the glass nicely, lest he frighten her, but still tried to convey that what she was doing was something he saw as dangerous and it worried him. Doux was very happy when they were back on the ground.

Douxie liked people watching. So did Y/n. It was one of the things the used to do on weekends in Arcadia, strangely enough. It wasn’t weird. All those people, they all had lives of their own. They all had stories they were living, and it was interesting to glimpse just a small insignificant piece of it. Or sometimes even significant. It was always hard to tell as an outsider, whether or not an ordinary moment was really the turning point of someone’s life. NYC’s famous Times Square was perfect for people watching.

There was something odd about it. The square itself felt wrong. A hundred neon advertisements all at one time. Not an inch of surface didn’t bare the name of a brand. There was something profoundly sad about it. One might even go as far as say disgusting. And there were many, many signs and people. Douxie tried not to attempt to take it all in at once, lest he risk sensory overload. The sun had already set, the brightly lit signs were brighter than ever. There were so many people around them. There were some buskers, some even playing at the same time, so the music clashed. Perhaps there was too much life here. It was loud, and Doux liked loud, but he liked harmonious loud, like music and excitement, not the chaotic loud that surrounded him. He made sure he could see Nari, that she was close to them. Douxie squeezed Y/n’s hand. He thought maybe he should just pay attention to her, tune out everything else. The lights made a brilliant halo around her gorgeous face as she turned to him. The beautiful goddess he called his wife’s eyes searched his, and she noticed he was not so comfy.

“C’mon, let’s go get some dinner.”

They walked away from the square for a few minutes, putting some distance between them and it’s light, before coming across a pizza place for dinner. It was good. The classic, New York slice. And it was pizza. Y/n would admit, it wasn’t special. She actually liked the pizza from the local pizza place in Arcadia Oaks way better. Douxie and Archie agreed with her. But don’t tell any New Yorker’s that. The main thing is that they got a nice dinner, and it helped Douxie calm down. There were only a few other people in the restaurant. The booth they were in was off to the side, away from everything. Y/n stroked Douxie’s palm with her thumb. Archie sat in his lap and purred. He appreciated them.

They’d had a long day. It was best to get home. Once opening up the cherry red door the valentine’s day décor assaulted their eyes once again. This would be okay for the time being but Douxie had no idea how someone could dwell here full time. As he plopped down on the furry couch, he noticed for the first time the numerous little cherub figurines that littered every available surface. It might be interesting to meet this starlet one day. She seemed to have a cupid schtick going. She probably looked the part too.

As soon as they crossed the threshold, Y/n had made a sneaky beeline for the bathroom and that honeymoon suite style tub. Douxie rolled his eyes fondly and scoffed from his place on the sofa when he heard the water turn on. Of course. He supposed he could use some extra relaxing. But she’d feel like she won. Y/n was gonna make a big deal out of this, he could feel it.

Miss starlet had an unhealthy amount of soap bottles filling the storage space in the bathroom. A dragon hoard of fancy scented soaps. As fun as pouring some various vividly colored, strong and flowery goops into the tub and pretending it was a potion would be, and it would be, Y/n opted to find some more calming aromas for poor Doux. Lavender, lemongrass, and jasmine, were what she was on the hunt for. She managed to find both lavender and jasmine soaps, and a lavender candle. No lemongrass. But Y/n wouldn’t have held her breath on that one. It wasn’t exactly glamorous or glittery.

With the water hot, bubbles high, candles lit, Y/n had crafted a very romantic and relaxing evening. She stood back to admire her work for a moment before going to go get Douxie. He was laying across the couch, using his crossed arms as a pillow, with Archie snoozing on his chest, when she found him.

“Sorry Arch. Find a different pillow for the night?” The dragon-cat understood. That didn’t stop him from throwing a look at the two as he settled back down into the couch’s fluff.

Ignoring Archie, Y/n took Douxie by the hand as she led him back into the room she had set up. The air smelled very strongly of lavender. The pink of the tiles was muted in the dim light, which Douxie was thankful for. Then he noticed the giant fucking mountain of bubbles Y/n had turned the bath into. He supposed she wanted him to get in that. Somehow. They’d have to be careful not to accidentally choke on any bubbles.

Douxie let out a little groan as he slid into the bath. The hot water felt great on his tense muscles, he had to admit. He was feeling better, and more relaxed. He certainly wasn’t anywhere near as stressed as he was in time square anymore, but the tension of this strange combination vacation/flee-for-their-lives-trip was taking its toll on the master wizard. He wouldn’t put it past his hair to start greying soon. A wizard was only ever as old as they felt, after all. And boy, did Douxie’s bones feel old. He laid his head back and closed his eyes. No worries right now. He was safe, Nari was safe, Archie was safe, Y/n was safe. Y/n was right beside him, so extra safe too.

“So, how’s it going.” Y/n laughed at Douxie getting a little lost in the hot water sauce.

“Nuclear.” Douxie opened his eyes to take in his wife’s pretty face he just knew was smiling, he could hear it in her voice. Doux pulled Y/n into his embrace and against his chest. She rested her head on his shoulder. “Thanks. I- I guess I sort of maybe needed this.”

Y/n snickered. “Of course you did. Remember, I’ll always be here to take care of you.” She brought his hand up and kissed his knuckles. “Always, Mr. Casperan.”

“And that goes the same for you, I’ll always take care of you, Mrs. Casperan.”

#douxie x reader #hisirdoux casperan x reader #douxie casperan x reader #douxie imagine #hisirdoux casperan imagine #hisirdoux x reader #hisirdoux casperan #douxie #tales of arcadia x reader #tales of arcadia imagine #my writing #nert

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psychedellic-phase · 4 years

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Fifteen (Part 12)

A/N: I altered the timeline & updated the last chapter w the correct weeks!! sorry for any confusion that causes. I need to be accurate or it’d bother me lol

ALSO: end the stigma surrounding miscarriage/infertility. your feelings and experiences are valid.

Tw: miscarriage, cursing, slight spoilers for the episode “200”

word count: 4.4 k

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“It was a Thursday, no I guess technically it was a Friday since it was 3 am. You woke me up, poking my shoulder gently until I stirred.

“This is going to sound weird but did you...?”

I was groggy and sore and cranky. It was 3 am, and you woke me up. Of course I was annoyed. My back was killing me, “Spence, what?”

“Did you pee yourself?” You whispered, and I laughed.

“What? No?”

That’s when I shifted to roll over and face you. That’s when I felt it. It was like a freight train hitting me. I was dizzy and nauseous and could suddenly feel every part of my body aching.

“Then, t-then what’s this?”

You threw the covers off of us. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you so scared.

I just stared at it. Our gray sheets darkened. I had no emotions. No instincts. No movement. You’d think I’d have an intuition of what I needed to do. My maternal instinct would’ve kicked in, or I guess it wouldn’t have because I was no longer a mother.

I don’t know how I didn’t wake up earlier. I keep wracking my brain for a reason why I didn’t wake up. Why did you have to wake me up? Why didn’t I just know? I should’ve just known. I should’ve had a feeling, but I didn’t have any feelings. Because that’s what shock is. It’s nothing. It’s staring at everything and feeling absolute nothingness.

It’s weird to think that that night we went to bed, laughing and chatting and snuggling close to each other. It’s weird to think that we had no idea what was coming. We were living in ignorant bliss. It’s sad that that was our last night we spent together as a whole family unit. I wish I knew about lasts before they happened, that way I could savor the moment. Soak it all up. Bask in the warmth of you.

We fell asleep as we usually do did, you spooning me from behind, one hand on my belly the other on my back. You whispering that you loved me, you hoped I slept well; me telling you that the papaya sized thing in my uterus would make sure that I did not sleep well. You’d laugh, your breath would tickle my neck, then I’d laugh, and we’d finally calm down and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

That’s the last time we fell asleep like that. I wish I knew. I would have appreciated the little things. I would’ve appreciated the way you rubbed little shapes on my skin, the way you dealt with me needing no comforter because I was always hot and sweaty, even though you run cold. I wish I could go back and appreciate every one of our lasts, just so I could hold onto those memories a little while longer. But I guess I’ve held onto them long enough if I’m giving them all back to you.

Speaking of, what is your item for this letter? Go ahead. Go look. It isn’t going to be what you expect.”

He was much calmer than he was before. The numbness had returned. He felt kind of okay actually. He felt like that was the last bit of emotion he had left. But then again, he felt that way in letter four. He felt that way in letter seven. He knew it wouldn’t last, but he was determined to savor it, grind through the last few letters while he was still numb, then hopefully decide what to do while his head was clear.

He reached in, surprised at what you had chosen.

“Yes, this is definitely not what you expected. I’m sure you expected another baby memento, or maybe an ultrasound picture. But like I said, all the baby stuff is gone. And I’m keeping the ultrasounds. I’ll mail you copies, I promise. And unlike you, I don’t make a habit of breaking my promises.

Now to anyone who doesn’t know PG, this little stuffed unicorn looks like it was for the baby. But when you know her as well as we do, you know it was for me. Penelope decorates her desk with trinkets and light-up frogs and flower pens because they help her see the bad. They make it easier. By giving me this, she was giving me something to protect me from the horror I would have to face. And for a little while, it actually worked. I hope it’ll do the same for you.”

He laughed, an honest, genuine, laugh. He held the stuffed thing in his hands, leaning back onto the bed. It was white with rainbow hair and a glittery purple horn. He remembered when Penelope brought it in the room, delicately placing it on your bedside table.

“She’ll need this, and so will you,” She said. Spencer just nodded and watched her disappear.

“I will spare you the grisly details, Spence; you were there. I will just mention the main ideas.

As I sat there, staring at the mess that had formed in front of me, you got up. You were visibly shaking as you turned on the lights and called an ambulance. Your face was gray. I’ve never seen it that color. I couldn’t focus on anything except you and the pain. God, the pain. It radiated from my abdomen, up into my heart and festered there. It was a different kind of pain, unlike any I’d ever experienced before. Then came the adrenaline, pumping through my body at an insane rate. Then I felt foggy, like I was watching what was happening to me on a tv screen. It was the closest thing to an out-of-body experience I’ve ever had.

You knelt down next to me, holding my torso. We didn’t speak. We didn’t cry. We were both in shock.

I don’t even know what you said to the people on the phone. I assume you told them what you had already diagnosed. You told them the truth: I was miscarrying.

It still hurts to say. I still have a hard time saying the word out loud. “Pregnancy loss,” “Spontaneous abortion,” “Miscarriage,” none of the words feel right. None of them feel like they accurately describe what happened to us that night.

They put me on a stretcher, and that’s when it became real. I was crying, holding your hand so tight I thought I’d cut off blood supply. My other hand was on my torso, and I was begging whatever Gods are above to feel a kick. Just one little kick, or shift, or movement.

I didn’t.

You stayed strong for me. You always were so good under pressure. You told the EMT every detail of my health history, while I was a blubbering mess. You called Hotch. You called Emily. You called my dad. You kept it together. You did everything right. God, Spencer, even from that very first day when I paid you to do my paperwork, you always did everything right. You’re the good one. You put nothing but good karma out into the world, so why do you keep getting bad karma back?

It’s ridiculous really, because we did do everything right. I took my prenatals and only drank water and green smoothies and I ate sweet potatoes and legumes and kale chips. I resisted the urge to eat nothing but Baja Blasts and Big Macs. I’m honestly angry. I’m angry because you and I, two good people, don’t get to have a baby, but some of these unsubs we encountered do? What kind of logic is that? What kind of world allows that to happen? What kind of God? A really shitty one, that’s who.

Eventually they literally peeled you off of me in the ER. They had to make sure I wasn’t getting an infection, and that I had—God I can’t say it. They had to see if they needed to help me through it, if you know what I mean. They did. I had to get a d&c.

I spent most of the time sobbing at the nurses. They all just held my hands and smoothed my hair. I begged for you, but they said no. I argued with them. I said I needed you there next to me. I didn’t want them to hold my hands and smooth my hair, I wanted you. But they insisted that the room had to stay clean. Eventually I was all cried out and they put me under.

When I woke up this unicorn was next to me, staring me in the face and letting me know our friends were there. They knew. They had my back. This stuffed thing would help me face the bad that was coming. It would protect me.

It was about eight. You pulled your chair up next to me, your hand in mine, head on my bed. I felt like shit. That’s the only way to put it. Anesthesia makes me nauseous as is, couple that with the night I had? I felt awful, and I felt it everywhere.

When I woke up, you stirred too. Your eye bags were deep and dark, you still had on pajamas with some unknown fluids on them, and your hair was a wreck.

I ran my hands through it, a force of habit, “Hi.”

“Hey,” you croaked.

Our eyes met, and we both just fell apart. Tears spilled over so easily. We were two broken hearts in one hospital room.

You crawled into the bed with me, making sure to be gentle and not hurt me, “Is this real life?”

“Yeah, Love. I’m afraid it is,” you whispered into my hair.

“I-It doesn’t feel like real life.”

You sighed, and shifted so we were both sitting upright, your arm around my shoulder, “I know. I wish it wasn’t.”

“W-What happened? What did I do? I th-thought I did everything right?”

You kissed my tears on my cheeks, “You did. You couldn’t have done anything to stop this. It was a chromosomal abnormality, trisomy sixteen.”

“What does that m-mean?”

“It means she had three copies of chromosome sixteen, which makes proteins in the body. She never would’ve—“

“Stop,” I said, not harshly or mean, just a sad moan, “I don’t want to know.” I took three shaky, deep breaths, trying to calm myself down, “I-I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, there’s nothing we could’ve done. We’ll get through this, together, I promise.”

“I promise,” I said, and you kissed my temple, arms wrapped around me tightly, as if you could physically hold me together as I fell apart. You held me like that for a while, before we both fell asleep again in that teeny tiny hospital bed.

The unicorn wasn’t the one who protected me that night, it was you. You protected me more than I ever gave you credit for. I wish I could’ve stayed strong for you, the way you stayed strong for me. Thank you for that, Spencer. I mean it.”

Spencer got up from bed and felt lightheaded. Realizing he hadn’t eaten yet, he grabbed a mess of junk from the fridge and sat on the kitchen floor up against the dishwasher. The metal of the appliance was cold against his back, the ground below him was hard. It just felt right.

He did keep his calm the whole time. He never cracked, not until the end when he cried with you. He spoke calmly and quietly when the team showed up. Garcia cried more than he did. Emily said she was on the next flight, ready and willing. Your dad didn’t say more than a few awkward and sad words. Morgan looked terrified. Hotch had his eyebrows knit together, as if with enough thinking, he could make the situation away. JJ stood silently, knowing the feeling, but not mentioning it. The only time he wavered was when Alex held him; the tears reached the surface but never spilled over. Everyone just circled around him, trying to protect him from the scariness that he’d face outside of their bubble.

The nurse came up to him, telling him you were out and okay. It was a chromosomal abnormality, nothing could’ve prevented it. With some rest, you’d be okay physically, but mentally it would be a long road, for both of you. He nodded. The world felt like it was spinning. He couldn’t think straight. The walls seemed to move in around him, even as he stood still.

“Reid, it’s mandatory. Four weeks. Minimum,” Hotch said, Spencer not hearing a word of it.

“O-Okay. Fine, whatever. I just, I need to see her.”

Derek reached out to stop him, “You know she isn’t going to be the same, kid.”

Spencer shook him off, “I know.”

But he didn’t know to what extent. He didn’t know that you’d still look pregnant, because your belly doesn’t automatically deflate. He didn’t know that your grieving process would be different from the way it was after Emily’s fake death. How naive of him to not realize that he’d grieve differently this time too. He thought he’d want to cry and talk and eat blueberry pancakes, just like last time. He didn’t realize that when a piece of you just suddenly stops being a piece of you, it’s jarring. It's the five stages of grief all at once and in the wrong order. It’s crying at a Pampers commercial and being angry when you see new moms. It’s people giving you soft looks of pity everyday. It’s lonely. It’s sad. It’s the worst heartbreak one can imagine. In short—it really fucking sucks.

Spencer had no idea just how much it really fucking sucked.

He saw you there, your skin drained of its warm color and tired, and stopped in his tracks. What would he say? What would he do? How would he approach you? How would he tell you that half of his heart just left his body?

Rossi was the one who saw him stop at the threshold of your door. He saw Spencer pace back and forth, still in bloody pajamas. He saw Spencer stare at you, hands balled into fists like he was ready to fight the powers that be.

He came up behind him, placing a kind hand on his shoulder, “Spencer, listen to me.”

Spencer didn’t react, he just kept staring at you, “I had a son, with Caroline. He died the same day he was born. I know what this feels like, Kid. I do. Trust me, it’ll get easier. I promise, but only if the two of you lean on each other.”

Spencer nodded dumbly, still not really processing anything around him, but with a nudge from Rossi he entered your room. He found his way to the bedside chair.

“Hey, Y/N, I know you can’t hear me. The anesthesia hasn’t worn off yet. I just want to—no need to tell you that I love you. I’m not mad at you. I’m heartbroken, but here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Remember how fast that narrative changed, Spence?

We got home from the hospital that night and I grabbed a tub of ice cream. I figured losing the baby counted as ‘one of those days’. I thought we would eat in silence and it would make it all okay, like every other day.

When I pulled it out, you scratched your head, “Not tonight. I’m tired.”

I nodded, feeling heavy and sore and weak, “Okay, see you upstairs?”

You nodded again, and I put the tub away. I figured you were going to talk to the moon for a while, and I was going to let you.

I fell asleep almost immediately, you never joining me.

I got up and you were on the couch, making some lame excuse of how you were reading and must have fallen asleep there by accident.

“You okay today?” I asked you.

You shrugged, “We won’t be okay for a lot of days.”

I knew you were right. It was a stupid question to even ask. I nodded.

“How do you feel?”

“Sore, weak, empty. Like I need to sleep more.”

You tucked my hair behind my ear, and kissed my cheek.

“I love you,” I said, and you responded with, “Love you too, I need to shower.”

Now there is a distinct difference between ‘love you’ and ‘I love you.’ Losing the ‘I’ loses the intimacy. It removes yourself from the statement. You removed yourself from that statement, and from me.

That first day we talked a little. We mostly cried and you watched me sleep. But then suddenly it was like you didn’t want to talk about it. You didn’t want to share a bed. You didn’t even want to look at me. You didn’t want to be in that place. I don’t blame you, Spencer, I don’t. I didn’t want to be there either.

I understand why you blamed me. We needed to blame someone, because no way could life be that cruel to a person. I blamed myself for the loss for a while too. No matter how many times people said “it’s not your fault” it still felt like my fault. I still feel like it’s my fault, like maybe I could’ve done something to prevent this. It doesn’t matter how many support groups or therapists tell me I can’t blame anyone. How can I believe that when the person who means the most to me in this world feels like it I’m the only person to blame?”

He sighed. He never wanted to blame you, but some part of him did anyway. It was easier that way. If he blamed you, he wouldn’t have to blame himself like he always did. But, sometimes there is no one to blame but life itself.

“Emily showed up that next day. She came in, in all her black bangs glory and held me. She had ice cream with me. She let me cry on her shoulders until I couldn’t anymore. She watched cheesy tv with me and distracted me with stories of her varied lovers in London. She supported me the way only a best friend could, the way I wish you did. Then she had to leave; London calls. And Derek took her place. He would come by when he could, usually with takeout that I couldn’t stomach. If he couldn’t come by, he’d always text or call. He always checked in, which I appreciated, but every moment with them was a moment spent wishing I was with you.

You. For the first week or so, I saw you everyday. We even went to the beach, but when we came home? I tried to talk but we usually didn’t. More accurately, I spoke, and you stared at me. Then you started coming less and less and returning fewer and fewer of my calls. At the end, I think I saw you maybe once every other day, just for you to come and grab clean clothes or paperwork. God, everyone did your job except for you because you were too busy doing your real job. The job Hotch told you to take a few weeks off from. The job that I actually did take a few weeks off from, because my body was in disrepair.

It’s not fair to sit here and tell you that you didn’t cater to my every grieving need correctly. It’s not fair for me to tell you how to grieve either. I respect what you did, Spence. I respect that you poured yourself into work. I know it isn’t fair that I wish you spent half that energy on us. But you know what actually isn’t fair? The way I’d tell people “we lost her,” but you’d say “Y/N lost her.” You know what wasn’t fair? The fact that you ran away from me and hid away in your apartment, doing God knows what with God knows who, after we promised to lean on each other, to heal together. You refused to do it. I wanted to. I tried to. I reached out. I called. I texted.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself now. You still have three letters to go.”

Spencer glanced over at the box. It was nearly empty, just three stray items and three stray envelopes staring at him. He remembered the minute he set foot in that place, he felt the same way he did before he entered your hospital room. Frozen. Fear. Trepidation.

Everything looked foreign. The walls that were once a saturated blue color looked grayer. The mug on the counter didn’t look like it was his. The pictures on the walls were of foreign people from a foreign land. The bed didn’t look like his bed. He felt like he was living on a movie set, where everything was a prop and everyone was a fake.

He tried to stay. He went into that first night with the intentions of laying next to you in bed, watching tv, rubbing your back, and giving you water to make up for the amount of tears you shed. He really, honestly, tried, but the first thing he saw when he opened the front door was that picture of the two of you from Rossi’s house, holding up the onesie. Then he made his way into the kitchen, where the ultrasounds were pinned to the fridge with smiley face magnets. Then he went upstairs and passed the nursery.

It had barely been started; all you’d done was paint it a soft, sage green.

“This color is called ‘Soothing Sage’,” You said, handing Spencer a roller, “I sure hope this soothes her, because if she’s as active outside as she is inside, we have a problem.”

“It will soothe her. That’s why I love green,” He said, grabbing the roller and starting to paint, as you sat on the floor trying to untangle Garcia’s homemade jungle animal mobile.

“I thought you liked purple.”

He smiled, “ I do, but green brings balance and harmony. From a color psychology perspective, it is the great balancer of the heart and the emotions, creating equilibrium in the body. And from a color symbolism perspective, green is the color of growth, spring, renewal and rebirth.”

You laughed, “My favorite color is teal. What’s the color psychology for that?”

“Teal is a blend of blue and green, so naturally it combines both blue's tranquility and stability with green's balance and harmony.”

“I like it, I like it, how about orange? What does that mean?”

“Orange? Well, it’s bright and brings feelings of excitement, enthusiasm, and warmth—“ He cut himself off, turning from his almost done wall to find you eating more chips, “Stop distracting me!”

You put your hands up in surrender, “You’re too easy to distract Reid.”

He smiled, paint already all over him, as you spent the rest of the afternoon talking about what rocker you should buy and where the other painting Garcia made should hang.

When he passed the room, the walls a pretty green, mobile in the corner over a few stray Ikea boxes, he couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t act like everything in that place didn’t make him want to scream into an abyss. He couldn’t play the dutiful boyfriend. He couldn’t walk around and not feel haunted. He was being haunted, not by the past, but by a future that should’ve been.

He tried to explain it to you, but you two were on different pages. Hell, you were reading two different books that were in completely different languages. Communicating became impossible, and if he’s being honest with himself, he was kind of happy that it did. It made it easier in the moment, but worse in the long run.

“I miss us. I miss you. I miss her. I know we never met her but I could feel her. She was strong, definitely a soccer player. Maybe she would’ve had our recessive athletic genes. She was part of me, and I loved her from the first time I threw up. I could tell she loved you. She moved whenever you spoke to me. She loved to rustle and shift when you laid on my lap and whispered to her. She was a daddy’s girl. That’s what you deserved. I’m sorry my body couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry that I couldn’t even do that right. I’m sorry couldn’t be what you wanted or what you needed, especially when you were all I ever wanted or needed. I don’t know how many more ways to show you that I’m sorry.

You left me the day we lost her Spence, I know you did. I lost you and her in one fell swoop. How do I cope with that?”

Spencer put the letter down, cradling the unicorn in his hands. He didn’t need you to apologize anymore. You’d done enough of that, so did he. He stopped being angry and bitter and spiteful the second you told him to go. You yelled at him to finish packing his bags and get out, since that’s clearly what he wanted.

That wasn’t what he wanted. He was just lost. He was confused. He felt like nothing had a purpose anymore. He understood what Gideon said in the letter he left him all those years ago. He questioned everything he thought he ever knew. He wanted to view it as a lesson, something he could learn from, but the hole in his heart wouldn’t let him.

He had every intention of coming back to you when he was ready, but when he finally was, you shut the door. He lost himself the moment he lost her, and that made him lose you too. How’s he supposed to cope with that?

Part 13!

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Taglist: @l0ve-0f-my-life @aperrywilliams @helloniallslovelies @random-ravings @ajwantsapancake @andiebeaword @boiled-onionrings @frnks-stuff @icantevenanymore1 @mellifluouswildbluebells @rottenearly @sammypotato67 @blushingwueen @peaxhyjaes @justanotherfangurlz @juniorgman187 @mbowles23-blog @blameitonthenight21 @goldentournesol @rainsong01 @thelifeofadumbbitch @swimmingfishwobblersludge @youre-a-wallflower-charlie

#spencer reid #spencer x you #spencer #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fic #dr spencer reid #reid #reid x you #cm #cm fic #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #matthew gray gubler #mgg fanfiction #mgg smut #mgg

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story-monster · 6 years

Text

Mawwage

I’M BACK

Dun dun duuuuuuun

I took a few weeks’ break to enjoy the married life, that dweam wifin a dweam.

Being married is AWESOME. I totally recommend it. Definitely worth taking a break for. But it does mean I’ve got a lot of catching up to do! There’s all these great stories about married life, the honeymoon (a Caribbean cruise…it was fabulous), moving houses, everything…things have been crazy. In fact, I shouldn’t be blogging at all. I should be cleaning or writing thank-you notes. (Er…what is the etiquette for those, anyway? I hope it’s not like within a month after the wedding or I am in big trouble. They are coming, I swear!)

This post today is about THE WEDDING.

There is SO MUCH to say about the wedding. This is going to be a BIG blog post. Brace yourselves.

We didn’t have much time to plan the wedding. It was a 2-month engagement. We are old and don’t mess around. Thankfully, I had The World’s Most Beautiful Wedding Dress™ already hanging in my closet, so I didn’t need to worry about that!*

*pictures below

I also put together style guides for all the vendors and bridesmaids and everyone involved. A style guide is basically a library of pictures and direction for what the project will look like. (Being an animation director teaches you things).

(The decorators looked at me like I was crazy when I handed this to them haha.)

The colors were white, ivory, and rose gold. I wanted to channel a very classy, vintage feel (with a touch of Mary Poppins.) I ended up loving these colors even more than I expected. They are just glamorous.

My cousin Melisa, a pastry chef, worked the cake, and Jen’s Bowdacious Bows worked on the floral and Waffle Love got reserved for catering and gosh everything just came together like a dream!

There were a few hiccups.

Like, I had no idea how much food to order. Mormon weddings are more of an open house, so you’re not quite sure how many people will show up. I stressed a bit over that.

300 less than what I ordered, it turns out.

The decorators were really frustrating to work with. (They were pretty unorganized.) I tried hard to not be a bridezilla…

But I was.

I ended up making the centerpieces.

Actually my friend Susan Arnita put the centerpieces together.

Look at how beautiful they turned out!

WOW

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

FIRST: PICTURES!!

We got bridals/groomals done a couple of weeks before the wedding, on March 9th. This turned out to be a really good idea, because the weather was beautiful. Here are a few of my favorites:

(That DRESS, AMIRIGHT??)

^^Check out that leap. The Handsome used to be a BYU folk dancer and he has some grasshopper in his blood, I think.

Love the movement in that one

It was cloudy, but the sun came out at just the right time.

^^The picture is my favorite of them all.

GUH he’s SO dreamy <3 <3 <3

^^LOVE that bouquet. I wanted something that was glittery and pearly but soft and loose, not tight and ball-y like a lot of brooch bouquets and by golly, Jen delivered. She even made black leaves for it, it turned out sooo pretty. I have it in a vase on my kitchen table now.

I also let some of my goofy side show.

#constancehatchaway

The Handsome thought it was HILARIOUS. Our photographer, Patti Deru, was like: “I don’t understand it, but I like it!”

…but my poor mom was horrified. She didn’t want me to share these on social media.

Sorry mom.

The Handsome let some of his goofy side show, too.

Lol ^_^

Those were the bridals. (BTW, is bridals/groomals just a Utah thing? I had a couple of people asking if that was normal here. I’m actually not sure…I thought everyone did bridals, but I kind of live under a rock. Maybe someone can tell me in the comments.)

The wedding day came fast and not fast enough. A week before, the forecast looked like this:

Which was comforting.

I woke up around 5:30 AM and went to my hair person, Cindy Peterson, and she did my hair gorgeous.

I don’t have a close up pic of that but it was beautiful.

Then I headless chickened while getting ready, making sure I had my temple recommend, clothes, makeup, shoes, everything, before we headed to Salt Lake to get married here:

WOW

Didn’t take pictures inside (of course), but it was a really nice ceremony. I loved going into the sealing room and seeing the smiling faces of all my family. It made me all teary-eyed.

I nearly said “Yes” at the wrong time, and I was blushing crimson for the rest of the ceremony.

But it was still amazing.

We were released into the wild :)

The kids were so excited to see us. They welcomed Uncle Brent into the family.

Haha I have like a million nieces and nephews.

I inherited a new niece and nephew, too!

Ava, who’s 5, gave me a big hug.

I met Ava over Christmas, and she is so sweet. When she found out that I lived all alone in my townhouse, she was heartbroken.

And I was like:

And Ava was like

Hey, yeah! I could marry a homeless guy! Hahaha!

(Brent didn’t like that idea.)

Lololol. Kids are the best.

Magically, the weather held up. No rain or snow, but a storm blew up and made the pictures more interesting.

Me with my bridesmaids (and maid & matron of honor.) They were my sisters :) :)

I’m pretty sure Katie was there, too.

I had Jr. Bridesmaids too (my nieces.) They were fantastic!

It was so great to have all the family there.

After lunch at the Old Spaghetti Factory, it was RECEPTION TIME.

The church was really dolled up.

The cake, & waffles

I loved seeing all our friends and neighbors come through <3

Hahaha a big group of “Entwined” fans even came!

Awesome ^_^

My sis Emily played the piano.

She played all the best songs, everything from Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Slipper and the Rose, it was a Sherman Brothers Spectacle. She knows just what I love #^_^#

The sign on the piano, it says: “All the Single Ladies – Please Take a Rose in Lieu of a Bouquet Throw.”

I didn’t want a bouquet throw at my wedding. I’ve never liked them–it’s just so sad that only one person gets the bouquet. I wanted everyone to have one. So, all the single ladies got roses.

They loved it :)

The cake cutting

Mmmm lemon raspberry.

(No face-smashing. My hands were shaking so bad it’s lucky I even got it into his mouth, lol.)

The Handsome surprised me with “Some Enchanted Evening.”

It was lovely and romantic. What a voice! (I’ll upload this recording to my youtube channel.)

And then, it was time for The Dance.

A few weeks before the wedding, I told The Handsome how much I wanted to dance the Cinderella Waltz at my wedding.

He was ON IT. (Seriously, what a dream boy!)

We spent a lot of hours getting it down.

I was sooo nervous…but it turned out great :)

youtube

A big thanks to all the people who sent me their recordings so I could cut it together.

End of the night. We made an exit.

That was magical too :)

AAAAH and the bridesmaids had decorated the car like a BOSS.

It was exactly the way a car ought to be decorated. It was gorgeous.

It had been a magical day.

Here’s to a lifetime of many more <3 <3 <3

(I really hope they’re less expensive, though.)

Thank you so much to everyone who came! I really loved seeing you all. There’s nothing better than to have the best people celebrate with you on the best day.

(Side note: some of the gifts didn’t have cards or we lost them. I’d love to send a thank you! Can you contact me if any of the gifts below are from you? (They really are lovely!))

And now…time to write those thank you notes.

Mawwage was originally published on Story Monster

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dumbgaybitch · 6 years

Text

have yourself a merry little christmas (thor x loki)

Well I promised @thorkicraving a fluffy Christmas Thorki fanfic, so here it is! It’s my first fanfic ever, so I’m not sure it’s going to be worth anything, but oh well. Comments and constructive criticism are more than welcome.

I’m not really feeling up for smut just yet… sorry? I might try it out sometime later, though.

Hope you guys like it, and merry (early) Christmas ♥

NB: Egil is a is a masculine given name derived from Old Norse, meaning “to inspire fright; the edge or point, a sting”. (Yes, I did my research, even for a cat’s name. Don’t judge.)

(I have no idea if I did this right lol sorry)

Characters: Thor, Loki

Pairings: Thor x Loki, Grandmaster x Loki (mentioned)

Universe: Human AU

Words: 1,881

Trigger warning: incest? But like, not really?

Summary: Thor surprises Loki with a huge Christmas tree that they set to decorating on a backdrop of Mariah Carey songs and Christmas carols, nostalgic memories and ugly sweaters, and not-so-brotherly feelings. Sprinkle some holiday cheer on top, and you get the perfect recipe for a cozy afternoon.

Read it on AO3

Loki was sitting in the window seat, a book in one hand and soft jazz music playing in the background. With his free hand, he was absentmindedly petting the small, purring kitten Thor had so petulantly decided to adopt a few weeks before. Loki had rolled his eyes, but said nothing because, as always, Thor would eventually have ended the discussion by saying he was the eldest, the smartest, the strongest, and -probably the most valid argument in Loki’s eyes- that he owned the apartment they lived in. So, they had gotten a kitten. Not that Loki really minded.

The front door opened, and he didn’t even have to look up to know who had just stomped in. “Brother!” Loki could positively hear the joy in his brother’s voice. Whatever was putting him in this good a mood, he didn’t want to know. “I see you’ve grown quite fond of Egil here.” Loki scoffed, not lifting his eyes from the pages, not stopping his fingers from stroking the cat’s pelt. “Don’t get your hopes up brother, I still call him Garbage.” Thor huffed, which immediately ignited a smirk on the younger man’s face. He took immense pleasure in calling the cat horribly offending names -well, offending to Thor, at least. The kitten probably didn’t care at all what name he was given, as long as he was being fed and pet.

“Stop saying nonsense and come help me.”

“Help you with what?”

“If you’d look up from that goddamned book, you’d know!”

Loki looked up, slightly alarmed by the angry tone Thor was using. He didn’t want to get bashed over the head with his book. His eyes went from his brother to what he was holding, and his mouth fell open, a childish gleam lighting itself deep in his eyes. “A Christmas tree!” He bounded up to it, his book falling forgotten on the floor and Egil scrambling to stop from hitting the ground face-first. The tree almost touched the ceiling, its big branches all but hiding Thor’s imposing bulk. A full-blown grin illuminated Loki’s face as he tilted his head to the side. “I call dibs on the star!” Thor shook his head and laughed. “Okay, fine, but I call dibs on helping you reach the top.” Loki could already imagine his warm hands around his waist, his strong body behind him, lifting him high up to help him put the golden star on the highest branch. He gulped and turned his head to the side, feeling a blush creep up his neck, his ears, his cheeks. I shouldn’t be feeling this. It’s not allowed. “Yeah, sure… brother.”

Thor didn’t seem to hear the change of tone in his brother’s voice, or at least he didn’t show it, choosing instead to set the big tree down in a corner of the living room and head to the kitchen for a well-deserved glass of water. As soon as he disappeared around the corner, Loki ran his slender fingers along his face, exhaling a long sigh. When he opened his eyes, he saw Egil sitting at his feet, big caramel-colored orbs trained on him. “What?” The cat didn’t answer, tilting its head to the side to watch him more intently. Loki scowled and pushed past it to fetch the holiday decorations. He wouldn’t let something as stupid as unwanted flutters in the stomach get in the way of Christmas.

When he got back to the living room, stacks of cardboard boxes in his arms, his jazz music had been replaced by a Christmas playlist, Mariah Carey singing her heart out at top volume. Thor was sitting on the couch, his Christmas sweater sporting an exceedingly ridiculous Rudolph, a photo album open in his lap. Loki set the boxes down and sat cross-legged next to his brother, peeking at the pictures he was looking at. They were memories of when they were kids, outdoor picnics and birthday parties and family reunions, camping nights and barbecue dinners and bonfire evenings, northern lights and snow, fishing at the lake in summer. The raw beauty of Norway, pure and whole in those precious moments filled with happiness. “Do you miss it? Norway, I mean? The life we had?”, Loki asked, voice soft. He could see the nostalgia flooding his brother’s eyes, and even though he thought himself selfish, he hated seeing him that way. Thor was his big brother, the strongest of the two, the one who was supposed to protect him, keep him safe, watch out for him, and be there for him, through thick and thin. Seeing him sad or feeling down just didn’t sit well with Loki. It just wasn’t Thor.

“Nah, I don’t… miss it, not to that extent. I just… Sometimes, I just wish we could go back to how things were back then”, he answered, fingers delicately stroking a picture where he and his dad were laughing like mad. Back when I had a family, back when I trusted you, back when we knew how to feel around each other, back when everything was simple. He didn’t say it, but Loki knew him well enough to be able to read his sky-blue eyes. Loki frowned. “It’s ok to miss your family, you know.”

“It’s your family, too.”

“Sure.” Loki turned his gaze to his lap and started picking threads in the couch. He had always felt like an outsider, a stranger to this family, even when he hadn’t known he’d been adopted. “I just don’t miss them the same, I guess. I don’t know. Oh, enough with that already! Let’s get that Christmas tree all glammed up!”, he exclaimed, jumping up and slamming the album closed, setting it aside, not even bothering with Thor’s weirded out glance. He started picking out glittery tinsels and shining baubles, scowling at Egil who was desperately trying to catch the hanging end of a decoration. Thor shook his head, laughing, and got up to help him. “Did you get your taste in sparkly decorations from En?” Thor teased. Loki blushed, his scowl deepening. He hated the mention of his ex and their disastrous excuse for a relationship, but he hated it even more when he saw how gleeful it made Thor to tease him about it. He grumbled something under his breath. His brother came closer, leaning towards him, his head tilted to the side in the most ridiculous impersonation of innocence Loki had ever seen. “I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t hear you.” The blonde man’s grin became so obnoxious that Loki got the irresistible urge to wipe it off his face, and the only solution that somehow came to his mind was to kiss him.

Right there.

Right then.

And it was unexpected, and it was violent, and it was blissfully sweet and terribly lustful. It was something they both craved from the deepest pits of their beings, something their very cores vibrated to, something their hearts sang to. Thor’s arms wrapped around the younger’s waist, pulling him closer. Loki’s fingers slithered up his brother’s neck, latching onto the short blonde hair, nails digging into the soft skin of his scalp as he deepened the kiss. They were eager, hungry animals that hadn’t been fed for years.

Loki broke the contact, gasping for air, eyes wide and heart thrumming in its bone cage. What had he been thinking? What had he done? He tried pushing away, panic clear in his blue-green eyes, but Thor was too quick. He slammed him into the wall, hands coming under Loki’s thighs to lift him up and set him on his hips, pinning him between the wall and his own, strong body. “You’re not going anywhere,” he growled, his hot breath fanning his younger brother’s face.

“But -”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Loki. Isn’t this what you wanted? Isn’t this what you were aiming for?” The truth was, he hadn’t calculated his move. For once, he had acted solely on impulse, obeying his needs, his desires, his wants, even though he had made sure they were hidden deep inside. Even though he thought he had made sure they would never take the pace on his conscious behavior. “Is this what you want, too?”

“It’s what I’ve been craving, for years,” Thor said, voice rough and deep and filled with longing. Loki shivered and felt his veins ignite with the fire of desire, driving him mad with want despite the fear twisting his stomach. His brother bent down and traced his neck with kisses, coaxing a soft moan out of Loki’s throat. Thor’s voice rumbled through his rib cage, strong, clear, commanding. “My room.”

Breathless, Loki nodded. “Yeah sure, let’s do that.”

Christmas morning

Waking up next to Thor was probably the best gift Loki could have asked for. Cold winter sunlight was streaming through the curtains, outlining the golden crown of hair on his head, the defined muscles of his arms, the white sheets carelessly wrapped around his lower half. Loki stretched out a hand and softly caressed his cheek. He almost jumped out of his skin when Thor grabbed his wrist and kept his hand close to his face, not seeming to want to let go anytime soon. Without opening his eyes, he asked: “Awake already, princess?” Loki rolled his eyes, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I know you rolled your eyes.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious. But I mean, princess, really? What am I, the god of sparkles?”

“You could be,” Thor replied, stretching, and then reaching for his brother, spooning him, engulfing him in his warm embrace. Loki had never felt so good.

“Right, because everyone knows I embody the rainbow-and-glitter spirit of unicorns.”

“Make that ‘sarcastic princess’ then.”

“God, you’re insufferable.”

“I know.” He could feel him grinning.

“Get back home safe, Peter. Tony, please watch out for him. Thanks. Merry Christmas everyone!” The last member of their friend-become-family group left the apartment, and Thor let the door fall closed with a sigh. Leaning on the wood, he directed a grin towards his brother. “Finally. Some alone time.”

Loki rolled his eyes, a small smile playing on the edges of his lips. “As if we didn’t already spend enough time together, huh?” Thor shrugged, a bashful smile on his face. “I guess all this is so new… I want to make the most of it.” He stepped closer and wrapped the younger in his arms. “Oh, would you look at that?”, he said, pointing upwards, above their heads, lips stretching into a grin. His blue eyes were twinkling with mirth, not leaving his brother’s face for even a second. Loki raised his gaze to the ceiling, lowering it back to Thor to better raise his right eyebrow at him. “A mistletoe, brother? Really? I didn’t take you for the sentimental type.” The blonde man scoffed. “Oh please. I know you love it.” Loki wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like romantic sappy shit, no.”

Thor rolled his eyes and swooped down to steal a kiss from his brother’s lips. “Course not.” A grin inched up his mouth, mirroring Loki’s smirk. The younger one shook his head and gripped Thor’s neck, coming up for a long, sweet kiss.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?

32 notes · View notes

sunnysidewrites · 7 years

Text

The Dove and the Peacock | Joshua vs Junhui

Genre: fluff/angst, meta (abstract concept), a little bit of everything its just a wild ride

Pairing: Reader x Joshua vs Junhui

Word count: 8.4k (this is the longest fully written scenario I’ve ever written omg)

Synopsis: All she had to do was choose between the dove or the peacock. Easy enough, right?

A/N: This was originally written for the same friend I did ZA!Hwiyoung for!! This is written in a completely different writing style than what I usually do (I wanted to try something new), but it still has “me” elements, if that makes sense LOL. This concept is a little abstract and difficult to understand, but I hope you still enjoy reading and pls give me feedback! THIS IS SO LONG I CANT BELIEVE ITS FREAKING 8.4K HOLY CRAP SLKFFL IT SUCKS IM SORRY BUT HAPPY READING FROM YOUR FAV MOM!!!!

Just choose one.

Blank, empty walls surrounded her body, if one would even call it that. She floated around mindlessly, a soul having left her body. She didn’t feel tied down as she did earlier, a weight having lifted off of her. Her limbs freely moved as much as her thoughts wildly ran. Her eyes glazed over the sight in front of her with serenity that would expectedly send one into hysteria.

A hundred – that’s how many birds occupied the empty space, particularly doves and peacocks.

“There’s far too many,” she whispered. She took in every corner of the room, every feather, every color. Where would she even start?

As if reading her mind, the voice cried out again.

You’ll know.

“I’m not so sure about this,” your voice was laced with concern and anxiety. “Relax, Y/N!” your friend countered with her optimism. “What better way to dress up this nice than tonight? You have gorgeous clothes, and it’s time to finally put them to use!”

Your university held its annual ball at the end of the year to celebrate completing finals, and of course it just had to be masquerade-themed. Your fingers fiddled with the hem of your white lace dress that hit mid-thigh with a neckline that would be way too low if it were to plunge an inch or two more. The silver necklace stood out on your chest in contrast to your dark waves cascading down your back pinned back into a half updo with a cream bow. Your other hand grasped the matching glittery black half face mask with a design intricately highlighting your eyes, bolding your eyeliner and mascara, courtesy of your friend’s talent. “I look ridiculous.”

You saw your friend’s hands land on your shoulders through the mirror with her face almost align to yours. “You look amazing, and you’ll do more than just turn heads,” she cheekily winked before giggling. She gestured to her oppositely colored outfit coordination, “We both look hot! You need to let loose after hitting those books for months. You just finished your last final a few days ago and haven’t been doing anything fun,” she emphasized her last word. “Our graduation is just around the corner, Y/N, and this is the first and last time you will be able to attend this ball.”

You sighed, “You already know I’m not a party person.” You shook your head. “But since you were so nice asking me to go, I’ll do it for you,” you jokingly rolled your eyes as your friend tugged on your arm from delight. She looked at the clock you shared in the apartment and gasped. “We’re going to be late! Let’s go now,” she pushed you out the door and grabbed her bag before securely locking the door behind her.

Upbeat melodies and pumping beats filled every inch of your body once you entered the venue. The dance was already in full-swing despite only having the doors opened fifteen minutes ago. “So much for not going to prom,” you muttered under your breath as you took in the dimly lit room that was quickly tightening due to the amount of attendees arriving. Neutrally colored balloons decorated the ceiling, and some were taped to the inner balconies that upheld couples and their intense makeout sessions. You tore your eyes away and focused on finding the one thing you really came for: the food.

Making a beeline to the mini buffet, you steadily stacked your plate and headed towards to an empty table. You lost your friend long ago when some of her peers stopped her to squeal about how fabulous they both looked on the dance floor, but that wasn’t on your mind as you pleasantly stuffed your mouth with the delicacies. You were midway through finishing your plate when someone’s voice rang out above the music and the chattering.

“Y/N?”

You froze, half of the dessert you were chowing down remaining in your mouth. You’re kidding me, you mentally slapped yourself and tried gulping down the food as a familiar face hidden behind a similar mask appeared from behind you. “It is you! Didn’t think I’d find you here out of all places,” he laughed. You weakly smiled, hurriedly wiping your mouth with a napkin and reaching for your glass. “I could say the same for you, Mr. I-Prefer-Video-Games.”

His sweet laugh sent blood rushing up to your cheeks. “Alright, point taken. Peer pressure?” he asked, casually stuffing his hands in his slacks.

“Peer pressure,” you confirmed with a nod, your lips spreading into a smile with him returning the gesture. “Mind if I join?” Your heart started beating erratically, and you attempted to imperceptibly wipe your sweaty palms on your dress. “S-sure.”

To both of your surprises, a conversation filled with lame jokes and belly laughs occupied the rest of your night. You both revisited the food table countless times, your overstacked empty plates evidently on the table. Your newest dishes were long finished and your conversation had hit a dull end but was replaced with the inevitable slow ballads. You broke your gaze from him and looked at the mountain of plates seemingly about to fall. He awkwardly cleared his throat and uttered words you wouldn’t have imagined hearing in a million years:

“Would you like to dance?”

You abruptly whipped your head back up to meet his hopeful gaze, his hand slightly outstretched. When you didn’t give an immediate response and in return intently stared at his hand, he slowly withdrew it. “I-I’m sorry, I thought you were comfor–”

You quickly grabbed his hand, his mouth slightly agape and eyes widened. “N-no! I… would like to dance with you,” you stammered out, scanning the ground to avoid his gaze (and hide your flushed face). He broke out into a toothy grin, his eyes crinkling into crescents. He swiftly stood up, angling his arm for you to take. “Shall we?” You tried to hold back a smile as your hand slowly touched the crook of his elbow.

“We shall.” You slowly made your way through the dance floor.

“Then what happened?!” your friend practically shouted in your ear despite being on the opposite bed. You covered both sides of your head and winced, “Easy, Y/F/N! I’m getting there!” She let out an exasperated sigh and frustratingly ran her fingers through her hair. “This is what happens when you leave me the second we stepped foot in the dance,” you teased. She huffed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “They practically dragged me! And I probably would have been a third wheel anyways.”

You laughed. “I kid, I kid,” you shifted on the bed, pulling your pillow closer to your body. “My arms were around his neck, and his were around my waist. We just… danced,” you dreamily sighed, reminiscing the past events. The way your head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck, the light sensation of his breath on your cheek, the smoothness of your steps, the –

Your friend edged you on, “And?!” You snapped out of last night’s memories and hid the bottom half of your face behind your pillow. “That’s – that’s it,” you shyly mumbled from behind your pillow. Your friend groaned, “That’s it? Girl, you were left alone with the Joshua Hong, adored by essentially every female on campus, and that’s… it?” She straightened her back. “We’re scoring you on a date.”

Your jaw went slack. “A date? This joke is almost as good as convincing me Mingyu and Wonwoo were a thing.”

“Well, doesn’t it seem like it?” She shrugged, “and oh, please! He’s totally into you!” She leaned over. “Joshua Hong whose nose is constantly buried in books when he’s studying and immersed in video games when he’s not, was dancing. With you. You can’t tell me otherwise, Y/N,” she crossed her arms and smirked. You rolled your eyes, “We only bonded because some,” you gestured to your friend, “people pressured us into going. That’s it,” you concluded, letting out a small sigh almost inaudible that your friend might have heard if only she was focused. You tried to ignore the disappointment and dull throb in your chest. That was only the reason why, right?

She already threw open your closet doors and started rummaging for an appropriate outfit. “Oh, hush. My friend is having a small outing this weekend, and guess who’s coming along?” You stared incredulously at her hunched back. “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying, right?”

“I was told I could bring a friend if I want.” She stopped midway and turned around to face you. “You in?”

You sighed, closing your eyes and leaning your head back on the wall. There was just no way of talking her out of this. “Get the skirt out.”

Saturday came rolling around; it was already a full week after that fated night. You and your friend were technically already running late, but since a big number was involved, you still ended up waiting for a few more to show up. Your eyes casually scanned the enlarging group.

“Try to hide your disappointment,” your friend laughed from beside you. You flushed and glared at her. “Don’t give me away!” you angrily whispered. Her teasing gaze soon melted as her eyes went past you. “One o’clock,” she subtly jutted out her jaw.

You turned around and reflexively adjusted your hair and outfit. He was with his own group of friends but his aura stood out the most with his center placement. The light breeze gently pushed back his light brown bangs, revealing more of his flawless skin and nicely shaped eyebrows that shaped his catlike chocolate eyes you could still recall from the dance. He was only wearing a simple white and light blue striped button-up paired with blue skinny jeans and sneakers, but he always managed to make everything look like it was created for him.

“Wow,” you breathed, starstruck and oblivious to your friend’s knowing look. She nudged your shoulder. “You’re boring a hole through him. Take it easy,” she playfully grinned. “Hey guys,” one of Joshua’s friends waved once they joined the group. “Great, everyone’s here! Let’s start heading to the amusement park,” your friend’s friend announced, who you assumed was the one who organized the get-together.

You along with at least fourteen other people began walking to the bus stop, having ten minutes to spare. You were in the middle of conversing with your friend when you felt a figure sidle up next to you. Someone lightly tapped you on your shoulder.

“Hey,” you met Joshua’s smile once you turned your head to the left. Don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t –

You felt a nudge on your right. “H-hi!” He chuckled, taking in the sight of the subtle pink tint on your cheeks. “I haven’t seen you since last week.”

I wonder why. You cleared your throat and looked up at him, “Yeah, funny how we meet again here.” You heard a small snicker on your right and side-eyed your friend who was covering her mouth with her hand.

“Yeah, what a coincidence!” He laughed unknowingly. “Do you like going to amusement parks?” You nodded, deep in thought. “I’m such a homebody,” you gave a small laugh, “but when I’m in the mood to go out, I like going to fun places.” He raised an eyebrow. “Fun? What’s your definition of fun?”

You leaned against the bus stop construction. “Well, for starters,” you began. You and Joshua had once again launched into a lighthearted conversation even after you had arrived at the amusement park. While getting off, you tried to ignore your friend throwing you cheeky looks as her eyes constantly went back and forth between the both of you standing together. Your bodies were closely confined on the packed bus, so much that you couldn’t help but duck your head in embarrassment if having made eye contact with him for more than three full seconds. Your faces were close enough you could see every long lash each time he blinked or gave you his side profile. You gulped and glanced back at your friend who was too immersed in texting someone. Once Joshua found a new topic to bring up, you silently cursed at your friend and turned back to him and relaxed your facial features.

Now, as the group waited in line for tickets, you stood with Joshua, your friend not too far ahead. Once you made your purchase, you started making your way to her, assuming that he would do the same. You walked a few steps only to have a hand on your arm stop you. You found a slightly bashful Joshua, his other free hand awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. “Do you… wanna go on the rides together?” his voice slightly wavered.

Wide-eyed, you gaped at him, hastily throwing your head back to look for your friend. Her mouth was open but quickly closed it and gave you a thumbs-up while nodding frantically. You looked at the ground before slowly turning back to him. “I’d love that,” you smiled. He beamed, slowly letting go of your arm. With arms brushing, you both made your way to the park with smiles on your faces.

Joshua made every wait in line bearable and every ride enjoyable. For the first time in forever, you couldn’t stop talking about – well, anything. The topics ranged from what your plans after college were to a joke your professor made the other day. The sun rays weren’t the only things making you feel warm; you felt it in your chest every time you and Joshua shared a good laugh, and you tried to soak in every detail about him, from the little crinkles of his eyes to the way he excitedly pointed out more thrilling rides for you to go on. When it would get too crowded and you would be occasionally pushed by strangers, you stumbled back into Joshua who was always readily to catch you by the shoulders. “Easy there,” he would always say with a light chuckle, “You okay?” Your faces would be too close for comfort, resulting in you withdrawing from him and glancing at the ground. “I’m fine,” you would always mumble.

In between all the rides, you would grab some food and eventually sat down for a proper lunch at some point. Due to the ridiculous overpriced food and beverages, you shared a fish and chips but each got a separate water bottle. Whenever you stumbled upon a game Joshua found interesting, he would drag you to one and declare he would win a prize for you. In all the games you went to, he was only able to win at a basketball shooting game and gifted you with an adorable white baby seal. You couldn’t help but to break out into a wide grin the rest of the day every time you looked down at the stuffed animal in your hands. You were too captivated by the cuteness of the seal and the memories behind that you failed to catch Joshua’s soft smile and endearing gaze.

Once the group had gotten off at the bus stop, it was already sunset. Most of the group had already dispersed with everyone going in their own direction – all but you, your friend, Joshua, and his friends. You and Joshua reluctantly turned to each other and bid each other goodbye. Before you could turn away to walk back to your friend, he quickly embraced you. You froze in shock for a second before wrapping your arms around him. He pulled away and you both gave each other a smile before turning the opposite way.

The moment he was out of earshot, your friend wiggled her eyebrows, “Ooooh, I saw your little touchy interaction.” You laughed to cover your burning cheeks, “Stop that! It was just a friendly hug.” “Don’t lie to me! I saw the both of you whispering. What did he say?” she bounced on her toes.

You smiled. “Oh, nothing. He just said today was fun.” Your friend pouted. “Whatever. Let’s head home – my feet are killing me. You’re gonna have to catch me up on everything, missy.”

I can’t wait to do this again, his voice still rang in your ears, I keep missing you.

Then come and find me.

“And here we have the Temple of Emerald Buddha!” Your tour guide gestured to the scenery. A burst of “oohs” and “ahhs” filled the hall with a series of shutters and snaps from flashing cameras.

You joined the camera snapping and soon drifted your camera focus to the tour guide. He was practically a work of art himself; a jawline like that wasn’t given to just anyone. You subtly snapped a photo and dropped your camera clinging on to your neck. There was no need to embarrass you further in a foreign country, not to mention in an arm’s length of a cute boy.

The tour continued with frequent meal and restroom breaks accompanied by the relentless clicking of camera shutters and bright flashes. You (and all the other females concentrated on the tour bus) quickly caught on to the tour guide’s all-too-natural flirtiness, i.e., greasy lines that were always similar to “this monument is timelessly beautiful but not comparable to the ladies here, right?” followed by a wink and a chorus of dreamlike “ahhs.” He even tried directly sending you one but you wouldn’t even bat an eyelash; after all, he gets paid to be appealing to the crowd, and who knows how many girls he’s had?

The tour bus soon slowed down in front of the morning location of the check-in near your hotel. There was only a matter of time before the sun would completely disappear below the horizon, and the only thing on your mind was hitting the shower and deep, deep sleep. You and the passengers were filing out and heading back to their respective rooms when someone abruptly tugged on your arm.

I swear, can’t I just get some peace? Irritated, you huffed and turned to tell the person off when you were met with a cheery smile. “What is it?” You snapped, “I need to get ready for tomorrow.” His smile wavered but he still managed to keep it upright. “I think you might have left this on the bus, right?” he inquired with a chuckle, holding out a camera. Your eyes widened and you considered bolting. The first words you uttered to this extremely attractive boy had almost scared him off when he was only trying to help. You reluctantly reached out for his outstretched hand. “…Thanks,” you muttered, avoiding eye contact and hurried off to the hotel. He watched as you go with a slight smirk. What an odd girl.

“Okay, everyone!” The same enthusiastic voice cheered after breakfast was served. “You’re probably sick of being around these same people by now,” he said, earning a round of laughter. “You’ll be encountering more mammals today – many, many,” he breathed out, “many elephants,” another round of laughter, “at Thailand’s Khao Yai National Park! But not just elephants – there are plenty of other exotic species waiting for you to explore. Let’s start filing on the bus,” he gestured.

As you were waiting for the long queue to shorten, you waited to get him alone and hesitantly approached him. He was in the midst of checking for any passengers left behind and was nothing short of surprised to see you beside him. “Hey,” you started shyly, still feeling the leftover embarrassment, “I’m sorry about last night. I was a little cranky from fatigue and all that,” you genuinely admitted and looked in his eyes. “I really do appreciate you returning my camera back though.” His mouth slightly opened before he broke out into a grin, “Ahh, that? Don’t worry about it!” He waved his hand. “It happens to the best of us. I hope you don’t mind I went through your photos to confirm you were the owner.” He suddenly bent down to whisper in your ear, “There was a lot of nice scenery on it. But you know, if you wanted models, no need to be shy with me.” You could practically hear his infamous smirk lodged in his words. Your face furiously flushed red, knowing too well he was referring to that one picture. “I-I was just checking to see if my camera worked!” You defensively crossed your arms. “The button sometimes acts up,” you huffed and turned around to scatter up the stairs but nearly tripped over your feet. You failed to catch the grin he did to himself as he watched you disappear up the stairs.

This will be interesting, you both thought.

Disappointingly enough, the week long tour was drawing to an end, and there was an air of bitter-sweetness among the passengers. The tour guide sadly smiled, “I hope you enjoyed your time at Thailand, everyone. It was a great pleasure serving you,” he deeply bowed while the passengers clapped. “I hope you enjoyed your stay at Thailand. Please do not hesitate to return!” He squeezed in his final words before the bus slowed down to a stop and opened the doors. You felt a tug in your chest, but all you could do was focus on the back of someone’s head as you made your way down the stairs. Your hotel building now seemed to be looming over your head. Dejected, you sighed and threw away all your short-lived regrets in the foreign country.

You arrived in front of the two heavy doors. Once you entered, you knew whatever hopes and romanticized dreams would not travel with you back home.

There was no choice but to choose the –

“Wait!” Your ears twitched. Your head swiveled around, but you didn’t see anyone. Great, you thought. I’m becoming more delusional the longer I stay here. You raised your right arm, hovering over the door handles when you heard it again, this time much clearer and apparent than the last. “Wait, don’t go yet!” You fully turned your body in the direction of the voice.

“The tour guide?” You whispered in disbelief as the distance between you two rapidly closed. His hands rested on his knees, his head bent down, his chest heaving. Needless to say, he was a hot mess.

“I,” he started between gasps, “I was wondering if you were free later today or tomorrow?” He glanced up, his face contorted from the unexpected exercise. You stared at him. Today? The sun had long set. Tomorrow? You were only hours away from departing from the country. There was simply no time, and as much as you wanted to hit yourself for turning down your one shot at romance, you knew there was no way it would have worked out to begin with. As if he was sensing your concerns, he asked, “When do you go back?”

You hesitated before admitting, “Ten.”

“We have plenty of time! We could go to–”

“In the morning.”

“…”

“Oh. Well, that’s no time at all.”

He pulled out his phone and squinted at the screen. “Well, it’s nine now so… we would only have thirteen hours before your flight.” His eyes twinkled as the seemingly permanent smirk returned. “How about we hit a night market in the capital?”

UH, HELLO, YES, LET’S GO Y/N, your heart was pounding.

Girl, you have to be insane to be going out this late at night. You need rest; it’s a long trip back, your brain countered.

You’re about to go on a once-in-a-lifetime date with the hottest guy here. You deserve to live a little!

You need to call it a night already! You’re about to leave this guy and this place in just a bit over half a day.

“You… still there?” He waved his hand in front of your face. You snapped back and mentally facepalmed yourself. You lost count of how many times you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of him. “D-don’t you have a job to get back to?” He shrugged, “I was booked this entire week exclusively for this tour. As far as my schedule shows, I’m not needed until mid-afternoon tomorrow.” He looked down at you with a playful grin. “Any more excuses I need to battle?”

“Shouldn’t you be going over your future tours?”

“Orientation,” he air quoted with his fingers, “isn’t until an hour or so beforehand, which isn’t until 1 PM at the earliest, doll.”

“Don’t you need to check in with your boss?”

“What’s there to check in with? I’m still technically booked with your tour as of right now, and as long as I show up to my next orientation to my appointment, I’m still doing my job.”

“Don’t you–”

“Babe, please, enough with these questions,” he laughed, your face burning at the mention of the pet name he casually threw out. “Are you in?” He held out his palm.

How deja vu. Your eyes flickered between his relaxed features and his hand.

“I… don’t even know your name.”

His eyes softened with his smile. “Junhui. Wen Junhui.”

Well… how often do you get to go on a date with a cute foreign boy?

You took a deep breath and squared your shoulders. “Well, what are we waiting for then? Let’s start heading there now,” you smiled and grasped his hand.

One hectic taxi ride later, you and Junhui were jumping stall to stall, exploring all of Thailand’s unique and different foods. You and Junhui also got closer, both physically and emotionally. The crowded streets left no room for you have a personal bubble. Meanwhile, Junhui used up the excuse of the crowd as much as he could to justify his proximity to you, his hand tugging on your waist. You would be lying if you said you minded the close contact; his scent was too intoxicating. Between all of the stall-hopping, you had managed to snag countless dishes to bring back home all while trying to inhale the food Junhui was feeding you and vice versa. His arm consistently took turns around your shoulders and waist (and him still claiming it was because he didn’t want to lose you in the crowd). You couldn’t even remember the last time you went on a date, but anything you couldn’t recall was what Junhui so proudly reminded you about (and the fact that he kept taking selfies with you so you wouldn’t forget anything). The light feeling in your chest whenever you both shared a laugh and how your hands would tightly intertwine when he would get tired of holding up his arm suddenly carried a heavier weight when the night drew closer to an end. You knew you would have to resume your normal life once you returned to your room, and even moreso once you entered the gates.

Junhui looked down at you worriedly, noticing you had gone quiet. He lightly squeezed your hand. “Something on your mind?” You shook your head, smiling sadly. “Are you sure?” You raised your head to meet his anxious eyes. “No, just… I had a good time today. Thanks for that getaway,” you squeezed his hand back. Sensing the underlying reason of your forlornness, he slowed down in his tracks and stepped in front of you. You quizzically tilted your head while he sighed and for the first time that night, dropped his gaze to the floor.

“There are probably – no, there are many things that we don’t know about each other,” he stated. You held your breath; he looked utterly serious and conflicted yet determined from the look of his eyebrows narrowing. “And I know what kind of image you had of me before tonight.” You opened up your mouth to protest but he snapped his head back up to you to silence whatever words that were now caught in your throat. “I know you thought of me as just a playboy, someone who doesn’t know how to commit.” You anxiously wrung your hands as he continued.

“I’ve never kissed anyone.” You almost took a step back from the shock. “What?”

He laughed dryly. “I never even held hands before – well,” he held up your intertwined fingers. “I never dated, I never asked anyone out, I never even called anyone ‘babe’ or ‘baby,’” he shyly rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks dangerously warming. There was still something you were unsure about. “So why?” Your eyebrows furrowed together. “Why what?” “Why do all of this tonight on me… a girl you’re probably never meeting again?”

He gaped at you before chuckling and merely doing his light hearted shrug. “Life is short, right? I knew from the moment I took on this job that I wouldn’t have the time to have a girlfriend. No matter how many winks I send, it’s all just for show, part of the charismatic tour guide I’m expected to be.” You nodded understandingly. You were curious as to why he chose this particular path, but before you got to ask, he commented, “And why would I pass up getting to know a beautiful girl like you?” You winced and hit him on the shoulder laughing. “Okay, easy on the grease, Mr. Smooth Talker. Well, you’re right about life being too short. I would know that better than anyone else,” you gazed at the glowing city. Completely oblivious to Junhui’s stare, you murmured, “Let’s head back to the hotel. It’s nearly midnight.” You tugged on his arm and started taking a few steps but you were suddenly pulled back and landed straight in a warm embrace.

A million thoughts buzzed in your head. What was he doing? Why was he hugging you? Do you hug back? Do you do nothing? He stroked your hair comfortingly, as if he somehow knew the unspoken secrets that escaped into the night. You didn’t know why, but tears prickled the back of your eyes, and you found yourself wrapping your arms around his torso. No words were exchanged, but you seemed to already know everything about him, and he about you. The walk back was only in comfortable silence with your arms lazily swinging.

You checked out of your hotel the next morning and began heading to the airport with your carry-on in one hand. You stopped and turned back to face the building one last time. The building where so little yet so much had happened – you were about to leave. You chuckled to yourself in astonishment and shook your head, thinking how this one-week trip had just so badly affected you. You smiled bitterly at the hotel and headed to your destination again for good.

You were waiting in line for security check, and once you were through, you would have to force yourself to part with this beautiful country. You still had a decent amount of people before you, but you were critically nearing the front of the line.

“Y/N!”

You froze. Did he seriously…

You turned your head in the opposite direction, and your eyes widened. Junhui was racing down the airport from practically the other end. He’s out of his mind. You began moving up the line as the proximity between you and him decreased. “Junhui! What are you doing here?” He only grasped your forearm and maintained eye contact stronger than ever. “Are we really just leaving things off like this?”

You were only a person away now. “Junhui, please, we both knew this wasn’t really going to work out!” You pleaded with your eyes. “Y/N, you and I both know you’re lying,” his voice cracked. “Next in line,” the security guard called. “I need to go,” you grabbed your carry-on and made your way down to the metal detector. “I’m going to the States soon! Where can I catch you?” Junhui desperately moved down to follow your figure.

He caught one last glimpse of you, a defeated smile hanging on your lips. “San Diego,” you uttered before disappearing.

The moment you stepped foot on familiar ground, you were already getting bombarded with text messages and messages on social media. You sighed and put away your phone, a reminder of how much time had passed. You were greeted by your family and friends and launched into a narrative of just how crazy things were (excluding a certain brown-haired boy).

Despite having only been gone for a week, you found it more difficult to adjust back than you would like to admit. A day had passed, then a month, and it now has been over two months since your enchanting experience. You were in the middle of completing your education program to get your teacher credentials and had happily stumbled upon Joshua along the way. You both were planning on becoming kindergarten teachers and made an additional goal to even co-teach someday. You couldn’t deny the lingering feelings you harbored for him for years, but your mind always lingered back to the foreign boy at the end of the day. You shook your head to erase such thoughts so often to the point where Joshua thought you were feeling a little under the weather.

Your friends from college were also slowly transitioning into their new careers, a crucial stepping stone in their professional lives. If it weren’t for Joshua’s company, you wouldn’t be much social, if at all. You and Joshua had gotten significantly closer, and it seemed like every hangout was more than what the name let on.

You two were at your regular weekly cafe “hangout” to help destress in a change of pace from life. You visited the shop so often the staff knew you two by names (and indirectly as a couple). From the way your latte art was always some form of a heart or how you and Joshua coincidentally seemed to have similar fashion tastes, there was always something to tease the both of you about. You secretly just wanted to stop denying it, but the way Joshua coolly deflected the cooing and playful banter made you feel just a little hopeless. For now, you only settled on being coworkers.

“Mingyu was back at it again,” you shared, shaking your head as you blew on your drink. “For a giant, he’s so clumsy.” Joshua’s eyes crinkled as he laughed, making your heart skip a beat. “He’s got the biggest heart out of all of us, that’s for sure.” Conversations like this with Joshua were always a part of your coffee talks, ranging from what you saw Mingyu knocking something over to later weekend plans. It was a nice time to relax and take a breather, and Joshua was more than enough to provide that for you. After spending approximately an hour chatting your troubles away, you and Joshua got up and discarded your plastic cups.

“It’s getting a little late,” Joshua glanced at the setting sun. “I can walk you home.” You furiously blushed, hoping you would play it off as just irritation from the wind. “I’m alright; I’m only a block away the opposite direction from you!”

“No no, it’s ok, I want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Joshua, it’s literally a five-minute walk.”

“Y/N, I insist.”

“Joshua, no.”

“Joshua, yes.”

“Joshua! I’ll be fine,” you shook your head and laughed, hitting his shoulder playfully. “Okay, okay!” He smiled, rubbing his arm. You exchanged a hug that you wished could last longer and turned to be on your way when he suddenly grabbed your arm. You looked back to see him hesitantly clearing his throat. “Do… do you wanna go for another hangout?”

You stared at him. “Well, we just did, didn’t we?” He shook his head. “No, I mean, not just for coffee. Do you,” he slowly chose his words, “want to make this into dates?”

You could only gape at him. Your crush for who knows how long had just asked you out. You expected to be overwhelmingly ecstatic, but all you felt was conflicted and confused. “Joshua, I–”

“Y/N!”

Both of your heads turned to the source of the familiar voice. You did a double take; were you seeing what you thought you were seeing?

Standing in a ten-feet radius from you was the same foreign boy you were so certain you had left along with your heart. A white tee peeked out from underneath his open blue and green plaid button up with interlaced specks of yellow. The rough light blue denim hugged his legs a little too well. Junhui was a walking image of a model constantly on the runway in contrast to Joshua’s more reserved lighter tones in exchange. Joshua’s baby pink sweater and white jeans reflected his calming demeanor. Perhaps the only thing they had in common were how they opted for sneakers to finish off their unique styles of casual, and well…

They were both vying for your attention at the same place and time.

“J-Junhui?” You stuttered as he advanced towards the two of you. He offered you a smile and curiously sized up the opposing male. “Who is this?”

Joshua looked baffled to say the least, but nonetheless he released your arm and politely introduced himself. “Well, I suppose I should be asking you that, but I’m Joshua. And you are?”

“Junhui.” They stiffly shook hands. Your eyes flickered between the two men, a strange heavy air replacing the once light atmosphere. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be–” Junhui cut you off, “I said I was going to catch you, didn’t I?” He flashed his signature smirk. Joshua, who was witnessing this strange ordeal unfold, awkwardly cleared his throat. “Sorry… Junhui, but I need to speak to her alone.”

Junhui’s eyes never left yours. “It took me some time to get settled down here, but well, here I am.” Your head started to throb, and to make matters worse (or better?), Joshua’s hand landed on your arm once more. “Y/N, you don’t look so good. Here, I’ll walk you home.” He started to guide you to your apartment, but Junhui grabbed a hold of your other elbow. “I just saw her for the first time after being away for two months. Can you give us some alone time?”

Joshua narrowed his eyes. “Can’t you see she’s not feeling well? She’s as pale as ice! She needs to rest right now.” He tugged on your arm. Junhui tugged back. “I don’t think you have the right to be saying what Y/N needs and doesn’t need.” He turned to you. “Y/N, who do you want to talk to?” “Yeah, who?”

You could only gape, dumbfounded at the strange outcome. “I… I just need to go home.” Joshua reached out a hand to you. “Alone.” Before they could grab a hold of you and say “wait,” you were already briskly crossing the street.

“No. Way!”

“I can’t believe it either!” You groaned in your pillow. “How did this even happen? And in one day?”

“Honey, you’re a total babe magnet!” Your friend sat on the other side of the bed facing you. “The Joshua Hong and a cute foreign boy both want you! I thought this only happens in the movies.” You threw your pillow at her. “Now is not the time! I don’t want this to happen at all! I thought it was absolutely final once I returned here that I would cast away everything that happened in that country. I was finally able to progress further with my relationship with Joshua, and now…”

“You can’t get over someone who never left,” she pointed out. “I know you, Y/N. He’s been on your mind since day one.” You sighed, not wanting to admit she was right. “I don’t know what to do.”

She leaned back on the headboard. “Look, maybe you just need to take a break and think about it. Who really has been there for you? Who makes you feel more… you? Those are the real questions here. You obviously like both of them, so now take a step back and really reflect on who truly is the one.” You placed your head on her shoulder and heaved a sigh again. Comparing Joshua and Junhui was nothing different to comparing apples and oranges; they were just too different.

“I’ll just sleep on it. I’m turning off the lights,” you mumbled. Several minutes had passed after and you heard a soft whisper.

“Hey, Y/N?

“Yes?”

“You’re an amazing girl. And if they fail to see that, then neither of them are worth your time.”

You smiled. “Goodnight, Y/F/N.”

“Sweet dreams.”

A week had passed, and you managed to avoid both Junhui and Joshua, the latter being more difficult since you saw him practically every day. You knew you had to face the music someday, but you still had feelings to sort out. You always timed yourself to leave a lot earlier than Joshua who was miraculously held back to do other errands at times. It had worked fine — until today.

“Y/N, wait up!” You only quickened your pace but he was quick to catch up to you. “We need to talk.” “Joshua, what is there to even talk about?” You gazed intently at the concrete. “Things have been crazy, and I’m just not ready.” “Y/N, look at me.” Nothing. “Y/N.”

He gently but firmly held your chin and turned your head to face him. “I don’t know what happened with you and that guy, but I do know that I want to be with you. I always have ever since college. I was a fool to wait this long to ask you, but now that I have, I can’t just back down now.” You opened your mouth to say something, but you heard a voice that wasn’t your own.

“Y/N.”

Why do we keep meeting like this? You shook your head and heard footsteps nearing you from behind. “Joshua.” “Junhui.”

“Guys, I just need more time. You can’t expect me to give a straight response after dumping this on me.” You pulled yourself out of Joshua’s grasp and started backing away. “Y/N, I don’t mean to rush you, I really don’t, but I don’t have much time here left.” Junhui stepped closer to you. “What do you mean?” He sighed. “I’m returning to Thailand tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!”

He held up his hands. “I know, I know! It’s sudden, but so was this visit,” he sheepishly admitted. “My boss let me go for this week, but no more than that. I’m leaving tomorrow night.” Joshua piped up, “Don’t just force her to be quick with this. These things take time!” Junhui coldly shot back, “Stay out of this, Jello Boy. You act so soft around her, but we all know your motives.” Joshua’s jaw hardened. “At least I don’t show up spontaneously and suddenly expect her to willingly follow me around!” “Listen, Pretty Boy, I actually knew her longer–”

“Stop! Both of you!” You raised your voice, ceasing their argument. “If you both truly liked me, you would respect my decision and just stop with this pettiness. I’m not your toy you can keep tugging on and not expecting it to fall apart.” Your vision started to blur. From what, you had no idea. Was it your tears? Were you about to faint?

You took too long.

“Y/N. Y/N!” Their voices became more distant. Your body felt heavy yet light. Was this how death was? You could only see darkness invading your vision and let it consume you as your eyelids drooped.

“Y/N. Y/N, can you hear me?”

You slowly started to regain your senses and felt immobile. Your chest felt as heavy as a weight, your throat was in desperate need of a drink, and your head was throbbing. Your eyes fluttered open to see your friend.

“Thank god you’re alright!” She buried your head in her chest. “I was so worried!” You lazily looked around the room, careful to not strain your neck. “What happened? Where is this?” She withdrew from the hug. “We’re in the local hospital. You fainted from fatigue and stress. The doctor told me to have you take it easy for the next several days in order for you to regain your strength. Don’t worry; it’s nothing major. A proper diet and rest should be just the trick.”

Your thoughts fumbled over. There was something you were forgetting, but you couldn’t recall. You could only shrug it off and felt your eyelids closing again.

You were finally discharged and plopped yourself on your welcoming sofa. “I’m never leaving here again.” Your friend giggled, “That may be a good idea. You need to take care of yourself better, Y/N. I know finals have been a little hectic lately, but–”

Finals. You saw flashbacks of a black dress and mask. Your friend stopped mid-sentence when she saw your alarmed expression. “What’s wrong?”

“I know this sounds a little weird, but do I happen to own a mask?” She stared at you. “Honey, I think you need to go back to that hospital.” “Y/F/N, I’m serious. Do I?” She tilted her head, chin in her hand. “You would think I would see you own one. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. I passed by a shop and thought it looked nice.” She got up and shook her head. “You probably need more rest. I’ll prepare some soup for you. Need me to get anything from the market?” You shook your head. “You have cash on you?” She jokingly stretched out her palm.

You got another flashback, but this time it was at a dark crowded area. Someone fed you, hugged you, and carried your bag. And they were all the same person.

She put down her hand. “I was just joking, dude. You really need to get more rest; you’re not looking too hot.” She was in the middle of putting on her shoes before you called out, “Wait! I’ll just go. I need some fresh air.” She gave you a look. “I’m not sure if I trust you being out in this state of mind. You seem to be pretty out of it.” “I’m fine! I need to clear up my mind. I might as well run some errands along the way.” She sighed before moving out of the way. “If you don’t come back in an hour and a half, I’m calling the cops.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you shouted over your shoulder as you shut the door.

You passed by the local cafe, but your feet naturally slowed down. What am I doing here? Hm, I suppose it looks nice. I’ll check it out another day. You were about to head further down the street when you abruptly collided into someone.

“Sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

You looked up to see familiar cat eyes. “Oh, it’s…. Fine. I wasn’t – I was just–” Why did he look so familiar?

He laughed at your words. “You weren’t either, I’m guessing?” You blushed. “Yes, that.” He briefly nodded, a grin ghosting his lips. “Well, sorry about that again. I’ll be on my way.” He resumed walking when you grabbed his arm on impulse. He glanced at your arm, bewildered, your action surprising the both of you. “Sorry, but… Have I seen you around before?”

He sweetly laughed before teasingly said, “Is that a pick-up line?” Your cheeks flamed, making him laugh even more. “I’m joking. I don’t think we’ve ever met. I would remember a face like yours. Let’s say your pick-up line worked though.” He mysteriously smiled and scribbled something on his napkin before handing it to you and stalking off.

You shook your head. You were clearly not in the right state of mind today. Everything seemed to be in a constant loop of major deja vu. You turned to resume your supermarket trip but you couldn’t help but to notice a figure leaning on the side of a building. The way his leg was casually rested on the wall as he sipped his coffee cup screamed “model.”

His eyes landed on yours and you felt a tug in your chest. Why am I acting like this? I don’t even know these people… He smirked, and with that came a stronger tug. “Babe, if you’re staring me down like that, you might as well ask me what you came here for,” he chuckled. You reeled back in confusion. Babe?

“Well, if you’re not gonna ask, then I probably should. Do you wanna hit the open market?” You hesitated. “I don’t even know your name.”

His smile softened. “Junhui. Wen Junhui.”

You held up a hand. “I have to let my friend know first.” You quickly sent her a message and tucked your phone back in.

“You still live with her?” You froze. How does he…

“I was in your Chemistry class. I always heard the two of you talking. I was also in the same high school as you, surprise surprise.” He peeked at your face to find any signs of you remembering.

You racked your brain, looking for a face like his in your memories. However, he cut your train of thought. “Are you in?” You took a hold of his hand. “Let’s go.”

He unlocked his phone to check the time. What you didn’t catch was the familiar scene of two people at a night market on his lockscreen.

All the doves and peacocks soon started to disappear. Before she knew it, only one dove and one peacock stood in front of her. She took in each bird carefully.

The dove. Elegant and calm, very predictable. She felt a sense of serenity wash over her. She felt safe and stable.

The peacock. The flashy colors drew her attention, as well as the puff in its chest. Wild, charismatic. She felt a rush of adrenaline, something to always keep on her on her toes. “They’re both lovely.”

Choose before it’s too late.

A looming clock started its countdown. 20… 19… 18…

With every predictable thing, there’s always a tiny possibility of the unexpected.

10… 9… 8…

With every wild and confident thing, there’s always a tiny possibility of tameness and insecurity.

Make your decision now.

She reached her hand out slowly, using up every bit of her last seconds. She was just about to touch the bird when the room flashed a brilliant white. Her time was up.

A single blue, green, and yellow feather floated down.

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