who is Widow, and what allegations?

widow von du, a drag queen who was on season 12 of drag race. she was first accused of violent assault against an (ex?) partner last year, and claimed that it was in self defense because he’d broken into her home and refused to leave. however, other sources said that he was sleeping at their home, widow came in drunk, and assaulted him. after the incident, widow was banned from a local bar, likely due to both the allegations and the fact that she had known substance abuse problems. she went on an instagram live to complain about being banned and brag about the attack. later she got arrested, and then was put on house arrest. two other people, both ex-partners of widows, came forward with allegations of domestic abuse as well. it’s worth noting that one of the victims was a black trans woman, and iirc the person who the story was originally about is a trans man (one original main narrative was that widow, a black man, was protecting herself against a white man). also notable is that one victim was 19 when widow was 26, and another was 16 when widow was 22. im not 100% sure what’s happened since the allegations came to light, but it feels like almost everyone has completely ignored them- i still see the average “reminder that widow von du is an incredible lipsyncer 😍” reddit post every now and again or that kind of thing and it’s just… strange to me how everyone’s forgotten this.

7/19/23

I’m gonna be a bit more vulnerable on here. I’ve noticed that I don’t say a lot about myself lol (other than my gf she’s my whole world so ofc ur gonna hear abt her).

Idk if I can bring myself to share my first name so middle name will have to do: I’m Monte :D nice to meet you! I’ve been struggling with an ed since I was 9 and I’m 21 now so you do the math lol.

The better half of my life has been me being miserable and literally being an incel with no social skills cos my issues were so debilitating.

I began having substance abuse problems when I entered middle school. Morphine was the first drug I tried and gradually I moved to heroin and meth. Drugs really helped with my social ineptitude and weight loss, but it also put me into debt that im still paying off lmfao. My family also has history of schizophrenia so the meth really fucked my brain up. Started talking to demons literally. So fucked lol xD. I still see shadow people to this day and im on a monthly abilify shot. Don’t do drugs kids. It WILL ruin your life.

I also was in my first real relationship during the height of my addiction, and unfortunately it was with a narcissist. Trigger warning for abuse but to give you an idea of what I was dealing with: when we were homeless and hotel hopping, they would book a room and go in beforehand to hide all the clocks and phones and would leave me alone for days with just enough dope to not have me withdrawing like a bitch by the time they came back. They would cheat constantly and not hide it and if I brought it up they would laugh in my face. They only bought food for themselves (which honestly was fine by me). The only good thing this person did was stop me from shooting up on one occasion. Anyways. Yeah.

Woah long rant about my ex. Sorry.

Anyways I don’t mean to trigger anyone, I just want to vent a little bit. I don’t have a therapist (I really should get one) and I don’t have friends so yeah.

I’ve been 2 years sober though! Will be three on my birthday! :) although it was hard giving up dope cos it helped me speed run to 90 lbs without trying, I have never felt GENUINELY happier than I do today as a sober Chad.

Here are some BAD things drugs did to me to scare you youngsters off from doing dumb shit: my skin was rotting. Yeah. Any cut or scrape I had would literally rot instead of heal. My fingernails started to fall off. My face (which was once clear) is now crater city — the scars from picking are still very visible on my face. My breath was horrible and no amount of brushing my teeth fixed it. I started losing control of my bowels and bladder. I once shat and pissed myself before passing out in my filth high off my ass and I didn’t care cos I was doped up.

If you take anything from this post, please let it be to never do drugs. And if you do drugs anyway, please never reuse needles. And always carry narcan, even if you’re sober — you can save a life. Anyways, have a good day!! New Monte lore just dropped!!!1!! :o

when the objectively traumatizing situation results in experiencing the aftereffects of trauma *surprised pikachu face*

yo.. I saw the request that you posted today? IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD WHAT THE HELL? and I looked for the prompt and ended up finding it , Can you do a part 2 where the news reporter lady gets akumatized again finds the video that she was looking for? where y/n's crazy mafia father threatens to kill her now abusive ex boyfriend because he cheated on her but she was so blindly loyal and didn't want anybody to find out? like because that would be embarrassing but instead y/n didn't know (1)

HELLO! so I didn’t really understand the request well but i wrote this out and i’m planning on making another part related to this! so here it is! thank you for this request im so happy that you liked the first one.  Speaking of which, if you haven’t read the first one here it is!  Part One

The other part will be posted soon ;)) 

Strawberries, sunshine and Adrien Agreste on a red picnic blanket.

Life is so serene, so perfect at this moment. Especially with the blond resting his head on your lap as you run your fingers through his soft blond locks. He hummed and smiled softly. You noticed his cheeks were tinted red because of the time he spent in the sunshine. He’s gorgeous.

You pick up a strawberry from the plate and pop it in your mouth, the sweet juice bursting and dripping from the corner of your lips. Before you could react you felt a hand move to your face and wipe the substance with the thumb. You look down and see Adrien looking at you, his green eyes glistening and full of life. You couldn’t help but move down and kiss him softly on the lips. It was a slow, tender kiss which you didn’t want to pull away from but you did in order to catch your breath.

“Ma Belle,” Adrien whispers, moving a lock of your hair behind your ear. “How do you feel about coming to a film festival with me tonight?” “Film festival? You need to elaborate on that babe.” You say quirking your eyebrow up. You’ve never been to a film festival before, you didn’t even know what happened there. Fuck, you’ve never even been to a movie theatre before because you basically have a whole private theatre in your house.

He furrows his eyebrows at you and chuckles. “Basically once a year the students organise a film festival on school campus. Students get to show their own short films and projects that they’ve done while we sit on the grass with snacks and drinks. It’s really fun.” He explains.

It really seemed like fun but you end up looking down. You knew that after last time’s event some people still thought of you as a bitch. People still whispered behind your back and they still judged you. Other than that reason, your father was coming home tonight from Madrid and you were going to ask Adrien to come with you to meet him for the first time.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you want you come?” He asks you and you look at him, a slight frown on his face. “Alya is going to present her film today and I told her we’d come..” He continues and looks to the side.

“No, no I do !” You say quickly and sigh, “My dad is coming tonight and I was going to ask you to meet him.” You say, averting your eyes to the side.

You feel him stiffen up. “Oh.” He says.

“But I can tell him that we can meet for brunch tomorrow instead.” You say and hold his hand. “I know you’re nervous about meeting him but I just want my two favorite boys to finally meet.” You say and give him a small smile.

 He softly chuckles and grabs your hand, kissing it. “Of course mon ange.”

You giggle and hug him. It made you happy that he was willing to come. He knew it would make you happy.

“What should I wear for the festival? I don’t want to be under-dressed.” You say suddenly pulling away, already thinking about the outfits you want to wear.

“I think I’d worry about you being over dressed instead.” He laughs a little bit and you playfully hit him on the shoulder.

  “Nadja, if you don’t get me any scoop on them by tonight you’re fired.”

“Fired?!” Najda exclaims getting out of her chair. She watches as her boss raises a questioning eyebrow at her and she clears her throat.

“But madam, I can’t-“

“By tonight Nadja.” Her boss urges sternly, causing the red-head to gulp.

She nods slowly and keeps her head down as she walks out of the office.

Rage started eating her up from the inside. She needed to do something. Anything.

  “Hey girl!” Alya closes you in a tight hug and hands you a red solo cup filled with juice which was already spiked with some type of liquor.

“Hey Alya.” You smile at her and give each other a friendly kiss on the cheek. “Are you nervous?” You ask her.

“No..” She scoffs and suddenly downs her drink, laughing nervously. “Okay maybe just a little bit.” She says quietly and it causes you to laugh.

“I’m sure that your film is amazing.” You reassure her.

“Thank you.” She says warmly. She looks you up and down. “You always love dressing up dont you?” She raises an eyebrow at you.

“I told her that it’s going to be causal.” Adrien sighs and you roll your eyes playfully.

“This is as casual as I can get.” You state and arrange the beret on your head, smiling proudly.

 The two laugh and you feel Adrien kiss your cheek and sliding his arm around your shoulder.

“Marinette and Nino saved you guys a place up front, I’ll be joining you guys a little later.” She explains and nods over to where Marinette and Nino were sitting. You see them waving at you guys.

“Okay we’ll see you later then.” Adrien says and you both start walking away from her.

There they were, the whispers, the eyes all on you as you walk past the people. Adrien felt it too, you knew he did, that’s why his grip on you was tighter but it was also somewhat comforting.

“Allô!” Marinette says and giggles while she hugs you both. You could tell that she’s already had a few too many to drink You all sit down and start talking about what’s going to happen tonight, what films are expected to show and what you thought Alyas film is going to consist of.

You sip your drink slowly. This shit was strong but you didn’t mind it.

“Alya’s film is going to be the best.” Nino says proudly and confidently. “She’s been working super hard on it non-stop.”

You smiled at him. The way he talked about her with his adoring eyes - you could just tell that what they had was real. It reminded you of You and Adrien. Maybe you two weren’t there yet but the way he looks at you was the same.

“Luka’s coming later because he got held up at his gig.” Marinette groans and sprawls herself out on the blanket, her phone resting on her chest.

“are you and Luka getting serious?” Adrien asks, grinning at her.

She hums and nods. “I really like him.”

“I’m happy for you Marinette, you guys look really cute together.” You say and she sits up quickly.

“You think?” She asks, batting her eyelashes at you. You nod, grinning. “yay!” She exclaims and hugs you unexpectedly.

“Okay I think that Mari has had enough of this.” Nino says and takes away her drink, chuckling.

The atmosphere was amazing. People drinking, laughing and chatting all around you guys.

  Everything died down when the screen in front of you turned on and everyone started cheering.

Alya quickly joined you guys and you all greeted her again quietly as you clapped for opening of the first film.

It was a love story between an alien and a human which formed because of their mutual love of French toast. Weird ass story-line but it was beautifully filmed for some reason. You could tell it was amateur but the shots and the beauty of the movie as the human and the alien shared their first bite of French toast really immersed you into it.

“those berries look so good im going to bust a nut.” You hear Nino whisper and Alya hushes him, earning a snicker from Adrien.

“I wish someone would eat me like that French toast.” Marinette blurts out and you clasp a hand over your mouth trying not to laugh.

As the film showed the ending credits the creator got up from where he was sitting and everyone cheered, whistled and clapped for him.

“Isn’t it Alyas turn now?” Adrien asks and Alya nodded taking a deep breath in.

Nino squeezed her hand and kissed her cheek. “Everyone’s going to love it babe.”

Everyone got quiet as it started.

Two people were sitting on the roof,

“It’s the end of the world isn’t it?” the character says and before the other person could respond, the screen went pitch black.

Everyone started whispering to each other in confusion and you looked over at Alya as she furrowed her eyebrows.

The screen turned on again but it was a different setting.

Two men were now sitting at a large table, one with a cigar between his lips and the other in front of him. Both of them were wearing a suit.

“Mother fucker.” The man says as he lights his cigar.

“What the fuck? This isn’t what I filmed.” You heard Alya whisper.

You were confused as to what was happening but you were too focused on the film in front of you. The man with the cigar came into view even more. He looked famillar.

“You can’t kill him.” The other man says.

“he cheated on her, Johnny!” the guy with the cigar shouts and hits his hand on the table.

Wait. Holy shit, that was your dad.

“He cheated on her and she still went back to him.” He blows out smoke and looks to the side. Disgust evident on his face. “I thought I raised her better than that, I guess she’s stupid just like her mother.”

A picture of you on his desk was shown in view.

You were visibly shaking, your mouth dry. You heard people around you ask you questions but you couldn’t hear anything. You couldn’t even react.

Your father pulls out a gun and clicks it. “I’m killing that bastard tonight, pay off a few people to make it seem like a car accident and we’re going to Paris. Just her and me. I’ve got too many problems with my junkie wife and I don’t want an ignorant daughter too.”

Tears stream down your face. It wasn’t a car accident. Your father killed him. That’s how Trevor died. Trevor cheated on you with one of your best friends back In New York but you never left him because you never wanted people to find out that someone cheated on you, you had too much pride for that.

You get up from where you were sitting and run away, ignoring the murmurs of people and gasps as the film continued. You felt like you were going to throw up, you felt like everything around you has been all a big fat lie. You heard Adrien call out your name but you kept running away until you froze when you heard a familiar evil laugh.

You turn around and see the villain from last time again. but this time it she was holding your father In her arms while he’s passed out.

“Finally! I got it!”

People started to scream and you simply fell down to your knees. Too weak to move. Too weak to do anything.

Your heart was shattered.

Flashbacks come back to you at Trevors funeral. You were sobbing as you watched them bringing out his casket. Little did you know that your own father was the reason for his death.

You were broken.

✗✗✗   you see [ kaleb yıldırım ] around lately? yeah i heard that the [ cis male ] is up to no good. [ he / him ] has been here for [ five years ] now but they’re still pretty [ abrasive ] which is fine because they’re also [ debonair ] so it balances out. the [ twenty-eight ] year old [ hitman for hire ] actually looks like a lot like [ alperen duymaz ], don’t you think? it’s best to watch out, though, because it’s been said that they’re really into [ strong cigarettes & even stronger whiskey ].

hey, hello, hi, bonjour! s’up buttercups? ‘tis i, your friendly neighbourhood loser chrissie ( a.k.a an irish doofus who is utter plot trash and the actual WORST at keeping track with discord messages, oops ) and i’m super duper excited to be here among you fab human beings! anywho, this is my first kiddo kaleb and he is … how do you say … morally grey. basically his morals are very questionable in every aspect. but! on the plus side, he’s very talented and good at his job even if he is ruthless and callous, oop. he is … the worst and also lowkey messed up inside tbh so pls excuse his blunt and sarcastic nature. plot-wise i’m open to literally anything and everything so come at me with any ideas ya got! i’m always diggity down to spit ball ideas and form some dope connections so pls feel free to invade my ims or hmu on le cord ( chrissie.#9606 ) and we can brainstorm until our heart’s content! if ya wanna, go ahead and light that lil grey heart up red and i’ll shimmy my butt your way for all of the good stuff. anywho, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

fundamentals.

KALEB EMER YILDIRIM     —     twenty-eight, hitman for hire,   +   one snarky son of a gun   /   troubled dude with daddy issues   /   all issues tbh ! 

aesthetics   ➤   dried blood caked into the grooves of cut knuckles, the lingering scent of smoke and gasoline, silver slivers of past scarring, five o’clock shadow peppering a blunt jawline, discolourations of blue and purple decorating battered hands, a subtle smirk etched upon a devious countenance, calloused fingertips riddled with small paper cuts, dark circles under almost-black eyes, the noise of screeching tires in the middle of the night, a tall stature adorned in all-black attire, ghosts of bruises staining calloused skin green, a scuffed zippo lighter in a pack of marlboros containing only one cigarette, white shirts with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, a sly grin under stormy dark eyes, a sniper on the roof of a deserted building, the roar of a car engine, & clenched, white-knuckled fists.

nicknames. kal.

date of birth. november third.

gender. cis male.

pronouns. he + him.

birthplace. manhattan, nyc.

orientation. bisexual + aromantic.

education. bachelor of music degree obtained from manhattan school of music.

spoken languages. can speak fluent english, turkish, spanish, & french.

negative traits. haughty, abrasive, enigmatic, cynical, temperamental, calculating, hedonistic, distant, sarcastic, & volatile.

positive traits. adept, diligent, charming, resilient, candid, adept, charming, audacious, determined, & resourceful.

strengths. efficient, energetic, self-confident, strong-willed, strategic thinker, charismatic, & inspiring.

weaknesses. stubborn, dominant, intolerant, impatient, arrogant, poor handling of emotions, cold, & ruthless.

talents. piano, retaining information, memory recall, lock-picking, carjacking, hand-to-hand combat, automobile knowledge, tracking people down, & excellent problem-solving abilities. 

physiology. dark brown eyes. dark brown hair. six feet, one inch tall. of a lean, broad stature with a straight posture and evident height. has a few silvery scars littered across his skin. has a few tattoos in a few less visible places. is ambidextrous.

psychology. scorpio zodiac. water element. slytherin house. entj-a. chaotic neutral. type eight enneagram. choleric temperament. interpersonal intelligence type. addicted to alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, cocaine, and cannabis. suffers from addiction and insomnia. his vices are lust, wrath and pride. his virtues are ... honestly, probably just diligence tbh.

background.

possible triggers   :   infidelity, divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse, cancer, death, car crash, funeral, blood, murder, suicide mention, gun mention, & various references to death and murder. 

a synopsis.   ah, here he is—my tol, troubled, grouchy son : ' ) don't u just adore ur resident trashy, snarky, but precious and sad fuckboi muse? bc i know I DO! anyways, before i digress, i'll cut to the chase. so, waaay before he blessed the universe with his presence, his mother ( who was originally from turkey ) moved to the states where she met one alexander hale. you can probably guess the rest: the pair married, they had children, everything seemed to be going swimmingly, yada yada. here’s a lil background: the hale family—a line of manhattan-born businessmen / lawyers / diplomats etc. they're dripping in wealth, not always as squeaky clean as they portray themselves as to be. kaleb’s dad was a douche, expected both of his sons to follow in his shadow and become lawyers, ran around behind his wife's back: the whole shoot and shebang of a classic a-hole. he always kind of ignored kaleb in favour of his eldest son joshua so kaleb kinda became hard-hearted and resentful due to the lack of his father's attention. skip a few years and he spied his dad cheating on his mother with his secretary though he refused to tell another soul for fear of any potential backlash. soon enough, his mother found this out for herself, their argument ruined his thirteenth birthday party then they divorced soon after. his mother fell off the wagon, became terminally ill—all while his father was remarrying and expecting a daughter with his secretary. it was a hella rough two years for kaleb. it got even worse. eventually, his mother passed away and his step-mother divorced his father to breeze off into the sunset with her new lover; leaving her daughter with her piss-poor excuse of a dad. at this point, kaleb was lonely and angry but adopted the role of his step-sister's protector, shielding her from their father's increasing substance abuse induced violence. just before his seventeenth birthday, his father died in a car crash. of course, he didn't entirely mourn the loss. almost immediately, he and his younger sister moved in with their elder brother who helped kaleb get into university. with dear ole dad out of the picture, he could finally pursue his interest and flair for music. after he graduated, he moved to santa ysabel with his brother and brother's family. in the beginning, things were going fine. yeah, sure, he was struggling for work and felt bad that his brother had to keep him afloat. normal stuff. then, one day, things quickly turned sour in his world. [ TRIGGER FOR GORE, BLOOD, SUICIDE MENTION, GUN MENTION, MURDER, DEATH ] he’d came home to find the locks on the doors busted, advancing into the house carefully only to find his brother’s lifeless corpse crumbled on the kitchen tiles: his throat and wrists slashed, posed as a suicide. of course, kaleb knew better. he knew his brother; knew he would never leave him or his family. upon further inspection of the house, he’d discovered the body of his wife upstairs: a bullet hole between her eyes. [ TRIGGER OVER ] the whole ordeal was enough to turn his stomach but once the sickness had subsided, all kaleb felt was a strong thirst for blood. sure, it was pretty damn stupid to try and seek revenge or whatnot ... but kaleb had always been one to let his heart guide his brain. anyways, time skip now to the moment he’d uncovered his brother’s entanglement with some dodgy loan shark, drug dealing criminals who were responsible for his murder. in the end, he’d hunted them down and eradicated them one by one, over a span of weeks. at first, he hated himself and what his desire for vengeance had turned him into but he kept going until he’d got them all: until he’d grown numb. truthfully, how he wound up taking lives for a living is beyond him. he woke up one day, found himself hired by some big-wig businessman who wanted rid of his business partner and et voilà, he was tangled up in the dark side of existence. i mean, was he blackmailed into doing his first paid hit? yes. but who can blame him? especially when they claimed to have intel regarding the sudden demise of a prominent figure in the criminal underbelly of the city, a.k.a his brother’s killer. it was a risk kaleb simply couldn’t take. he prefers to keep himself anonymous, hidden behind shadows, unsuspecting. death has become a job. nothing more. nothing less. it’s simply the algorithm of his existence: receive a dossier, take care of the target, get paid a hefty lump sum. and all just for enacting a stranger’s revenge in the blood of another. he moves like a deadly phantom, his footsteps light as a feather, whipping through the night like a bullet through a target’s skull. sartre claims that hell is other people. and if you were to stare into kaleb’s eyes—eyes eerily similar to having been cut from coal—you might just see hell and everyone in it staring right back at you. as nietzsche wrote: “ he who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. and if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee. ”

random extras.

he has a lot of small scars over his body, most of which he can’t account for or has forgotten about.

owns and drives a black 1969 boss 429 mustang which he loves arguably more than he loves himself.

speaking of, he actually is full of self-hatred so don’t let the haughtiness fool you.

trusts nobody but himself and is loyal to nobody but himself.

has a lot of anger issues so often ends up taking part in underground fights.

he rates around a solid three on the kinsey scale.

is a distant person; closed-off emotionally and prefers to keep himself to himself.

when it comes to whether or not he is morally decent or an extremely bad person, he is somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

he isn’t heartless but he isn’t exactly compassionate either.

kind of shady but knows how to pass himself as charming. 

has been thru sum shit n seen sum shit so he’s v messed up inside.

though he does have a soft spot for animals and children.

his marksmanship is impeccable.

he’s naturally gifted with firearms and his shot is always on point.

dark eyes and bruised knuckles are his ultimate aesthetic tbh.

actually really appreciates classical music, though he’ll never tell. blame it on his piano lessons from childhood.

speaking of piano, he’s low key gifted at playing although he rarely does these days.

has a very short fuse and can lose his temper quite easily.

he has a good heart and good intentions when it comes to those he actually cares about although he’ll never let this show.

favourite coping mechanism? isolation.

a bit of a lone wolf. he keeps people at arm’s length but acts in a way where people are under the illusion he’s their friend.

basically the tall, dark and handsome trope: ( most of the tall, dark and handsome men display aloof, cold and distant personality but they do have a gentle and caring side. )

is a little snarky and grumpy but if you manage to break this exterior, you’ll find he’s quite witty and easy going.

he got into fighting at a young age. it was the only way to try and learn how to defend himself against his father.

sleep?? he doesn’t know her.

tends to repress his emotions until he explodes.

healthy coping mechanisms?? he doesn’t know them either.

is prone to pushing the self destruct button.

you can find a pinterest board for him by clicking anywhere here.

unpopular opinion (long post)

This might be unpopular but its irking me a little bit, im actually completely OK with Lena punching Kara in the face. 

Its not so much that Kara kept her identity a secret, that on its own doesn't warrant a smack or a punch (if they had been dating then it absolutely would) because that’s beyond disturbing behaviors, 

No for me its, as i’ve mentioned before the way that Kara treated her as Supergirl, especially in season 3. 

Now yes Kara has been lovely to Lena as Supergirl, the same as Lena has to her. they have actively saved each others arses on more than on occasion. 

BUT season 3 and 4 gave us a look at what Kara can be like when she feels her authority is being questioned. Kara was instantly p**sed at Lena for daring to keep Reign a secret, no regard for WHY just accusations. Honestly why Kara was there while they interrogated Lena is beyond me, she doesn't actually have a DEO rank? But whatever. She instantly got p**sed that Lena had some leftover kryptonite (we know she made it) and immediately took it as threat, even though Lena IS her best friend. What irked me the most about season 3 was that Kara didn't really give a lot of thought to Sam, in her beef with Lena it was always Kara, Kara, Kara. The fact that Lena did all of this FOR SAM to protect her went completely over Kara’s head. 

Kara also got p**sed that Lena dared to have tech that she didnt know of or approve of. Lena literally told Kara that the force field on Reign’s cell prevented Kryptonian’s looking through it, so what was the first thing Kara does? Why she tries to look through it and gets p*ssed that it caused a bit of pain. She instantly rounded on Lena and saw something SHE personally could nosy through as a threat. I mean Lena could literally just have used this so she wouldn't be spied on in the shower by passing Kryptonian’s. Just because Kara does have X Ray vision doesn't mean shes entitled to be able to see everythong (*cough* Batgirl *cough*) This scene was basically like telling someone not to put their hand in the fire because it will burn, only for them to instantly do it and then get upset with you for built the fire in the first place. 

I was beyond happy that Lena brought Kara down a peg or two, ive said it before but Kara is rarely seriously questioned by anyone and it seems to have gone to her head. Kara’s authority is mostly what shes bestowed on herself, much like Superman. 

But anyway, Kara seems to have realized she’s been a colossal ass and jumped to conclusions, because she has a really awkward exchange with Lena and says she hopes it wont ruin their friendship. See my issue here is that Kara thinks she can attack Lena but because she has had a change of heart its still all good? yeah... no. Lena tells her what for again, poor love tells her she has friends that trust her, not knowing the very woman she is referring to is the same woman shes talking to. 

Kara then gets pissed that Lena gives Kara whats ‘left’ of the kryptonite.  I mean you were upset she had it and now you’re upset shes giving it to you? Once again the fact that this could help her fight Reign and save Sam when she and the others have spectacularly failed goes over her head and she attacks Lena again, who quite rightly tells Kara that lots of things in the world could hurt her but she goes on with life and doesn't whine about. Kara seems to think that NOTHING on Earth should ever be allowed to exist that could hurt her or any other Kryptonian completely forgetting  recent Kryptonian attacks, one of which she did herself oh and the current one. This is pretty God like behavior. She also doesnt have issues with DEO having weapons that  can hurt other aliens, as long as it isn't her.  Kara even pulls the ‘Luthor’ card on Lena. Note through all this its always Kara who has the issue with Lena, Lena has no issues with Supergirl until she attacks her. 

Kara thinks she has the authority to tell Lena she isnt coming to the dark valley to try and save her friend Sam, i mean why is Kara calling the shots here? She does redeem herself a bit when she tells Reign to take her instead of Lena, but honestly? Kara would have done that for literally anyone, this isn't because its Lena. 

Lena even returns to the DEO the moment Kara is in danger of dying. Lena has pre-made suit that even has the House of El crest on it! 

Remember also, that even after the interrogation, Alex asked Lena to just tell her why she didnt let on about Sam and Alex was absolutely OK with Lena’s explanation and didnt harp on about it, this is Alex Danvers whose life is dedicated to protecting Kara’s. 

Kara then did the ONE thing that i thought was so below the belt. She meddled in Lena's relationship and put it at risk. She quite literally went to Lena's boyfriend, a man who not long ago wasn't going to give her the time of day and wanted her in prison no matter what and Lena had to learn to trust, and Kara asked him of all people to betray Lena’s trust. Kara could have asked any DEO agent, but no, apparently James, the one person she SHOULDNT have asked to betray Lena was the only one who would do it? Im sorry Kara you dont do that under any circumstances. Kara is dumb anyway because she trusts James! He literally breaks into L Corp, then he lies to Kara and then drops her in it with Lena? There was NO reason for him to do that, he just wanted the best of both worlds. 

Kara gets pissed that Lena dared to make Harun El for anyone other than the mighty Kryptonian’s that have decreed that this substance they dont understand, arent even close to understanding and has the power to keep civilizations alive is NOT allowed to be used for the benefit of humans, but a human is allowed to  make it for the benefit of Kryptonians and only kryptonians, Yeah, Argo would be a floating city of dead people if it wasn't for Lena managing to figure something out in about a week that the entire race of advanced scientists o Argo weren't even close to doing. The fact is Kara jumps down her throat again, but this time its Alex that comes to Lena’s defence. 

The problem when it comes down to it, is that Kara is too quick to assume the worst in Lena, when she used to be the exact opposite. This is shoddy writing and OOC but unfortunately its what happened. Kara thinks she has authority over all things and the fact is she just doesnt. 

Getting James to betray Lena was the worst one for me, and the one that warrants a smack or in this case a punch in the face. If my best friend asked my significant other to betray my trust because she decided she couldn't trust me oh and then acted like she had nothing to do with it while i vented i would think about punching her and if it was the other way round she would probably think the same, and she would justified because that isnt friendship. 

Kara was Jekell and Hyde with Lena, she even looked her nose down at her in season 2 when she and Superman landed on L Corp’s balcony to talk to Lena and Lillian, the look Kara gave Lena has stuck with me because it was so superior, like because she was now standing with Superman she had more authority? Was she trying to measure up? 

Then there’s the fact that Kara has no issue letting Lena think her ass is in danger, or letting her think shes been blown up! 

Kara knows the amount of betrayals Lena has faced, but she just kept on going  and it was wrong. If she had no intention of telling Lena and letting her be the only one in her new found family that apparently wasn't trusted enough then she should never have gotten so involved with Lena in the first place. 

Kara ignored Lena after Mon El left, then only came to her when she needed her help, essentially her money and her influence. Then once shed asked for it she fobbed off Lena’s attempt to reach out to her. Lena actually does use her power and her own money to save Cat Co and Kara is just  like ‘oh ok, but i quit’. It was using Lena and it was harsh, even if Kara did say she would go back. Then you have Kara’s blatant disregard for Lena as a boss. 

The fact is Kara picks and chooses her attitude to Lena, she should pick ONE not have multiple personalities, choosing to support her on minute, ignore her the next or accuse her of misdeeds in another. 

Now think about what Lena is thinking? Kara lied about who she is, Lena is going to know a Super came to investigate her the moment she arrived in National City, this same super integrated herself into Lena's life and they got close, but Lena is probably wondering why that was now? If Lena had befriended Kara knowing she is Supergirl you know it would have been instantly treated as suspicious. Kara treated her like she was bad even after Lena helped save her and the world several times. Kara used the relationships Lena built against her. Kara acted like she had dull authority over her, she let her think her life was in danger or she was dead more than once. Yeah id be pretty p**sed to.Lena may even wonder why Kara pushed her to date James of all people, someone who wasnt a fan of hers, but then suddenly was? Oh was that so he could stay close to Lena and be used against her? To spy o  her? Lena ‘s feeling arent something Kara can just play with depending on how the mood hits her, actions have consequences and treating people like this isnt cool.

Its a lot for Lena to process, and its not like she can ask kara about it, even when Kara knows Lena knows she cant trust the explanations Kara may give her. 

If Oliver punched Barry the fans would just be like ‘ahh man! They’ll make it up’ 

Batman and Superman fight, ‘ahh man! They’ll make up’. 

But Lena punches Kara? ‘Oh my God abuse!!’ 

i dont think Lena is punching Kara because of the secret itself, shes probably punching her because of all the s**t that came along with it. 

(if you dont agree fine, but dont send hate) 

Hi! So Im gonna share some of what I’ve learnt the past few days!

Here you have a list of risk factors you should try to be aware of:

abrupt changes in someone (hairstyle, clothing, mood, behavior, group of friends, music taste)- SPECIALLY if you’ve seen someone in a really crappy mood and the next day they seem like they are “fixed” and “doing WAY better”

self harm of any kind (could take the form of cutting, scratching, puncing themselves, burning themselves or maybe engaging in risky behaviors, like texting and driving or crossing the streets without checking if there are any cars coming)

someone’s making funeral arrangements or suddenly getting all their paperwork and documents in order 

or giving valued posetions away (like their favorite book, a mug they really like or even that old teddy bear they’ve treasured their entire life)

they can even be writing thank you notes or letters or just saying “I love yous” and “thank yous” and “goodbies” in person, when they usually dont do so

engaging in substance abuse (alcohol or other drugs)

isolating, pushing significant others away, feeling alone even around people, or being excluded by others

talking about death (anything from “i want this to stop”, “it’d be easier if i just died” or “i want to kill myself”) or giving it too much thought (like drawing skulls or googling different methods to kill themselves)

someone who’s been through trauma (recent or past)

or has lost a sgnificant other recently

or is living in a house where there’s a lot of tension and dysfunctional dynamics (parents acting like friends, divorce, someone’s really sick, neglection, violence of any kind)

they could also present a mood disorders (such as BPD or depression) or anxiety disorders, has had any suicide attempts or self harming history in their (or family/friends’) past

or if you notice someone showing a sense of hopelessness (”there’s no point”, “this will never change”, “why bother”) or negative self talk (”you’d all be better if I wasnt in the picture”, “Im useless”, “I suck”)

“Okay, I noticed someone is showing 1+ of these, WHAT DO I DO NOW?!”

ALWAYS STOP AND ASK THEM, OPENLY: Have you ever considered taking your own life or hurting yourself? have you given any thought to how’d you do it? do you have any specific plan? if the answears are yes:  do they have access to the method they’ve chosen? // Side note: NO. by asking them about it you wont be “planting the seed” in their minds. if anything, you’ll be opening the door so they feel safe enough to share their truth. if they’ve never thought about it, they’d literally be like “the fuck, dude?? of course not!! you are batshit crazy”. 

LISTEN!!!! to whatever they have to say. I know this can be hard but breathe and let them speak. I can guarantee you: they need to be heard. try not to interrupt or come up with YOUR thoughts about their situation.

VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS: “I get it. Given the circumstances, I can see why you’re thinking about killing (or hurting) yourself”. // Side note: No, it does not mean you agree or justify their decision. you are just saying “hey, I hear you. its understandable you’re feeling this way. I’d probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes”.  Do NOT judge! (who are we to judge someone else’s suffering anyway? keep in mind they are going through a lot! plus, they are not being able to see other way out for the pain.)

TRY AND CLARIFY THE PROBLEM: a person that wants to commit suicide, is a person in crisis. what happened? what was the event that lead to this person wanting to hurt themself at this point? what has stopped the person from killing themself in the past?

TRY TO COME UP WITH ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS: what can we do other thank killing ourselves? what are other ways of dealing with this unbearable situation at this moment? these alternative solutions must come from both of you rather than your own personal experience or what you think would work best. find what will work best for this particular person in this particular situation given their own history.

REFER THEM to a general hospital, a mental health center or professional.

ASK THEM if it’d be okay with them if you called their parents or someone who could look after them for a while, make sure they are safe. if they are underage or showing a lot of agitation and refusing to get any help, you can call an adult or 911 or even the firefighters so they can take care of the situation, just explain to the person what are you going to do and why. do not do things behind their backs.

Creative Non-Fiction

Reflective Essay

               In my reflective essay is base on the orientation from the past few weeks about drugs and alcohol, include the purpose of  life on this world. They discuss the effect of the drugs and  alcohol, and how will going to solve it start with your self. And for the purpose they teach on how will you know your purpose on this world.  First is about drugs and alcohol ; first reflect to me is I realize that i must not take a judge easily  in people I encounter base on their appearance. Because, we don’t know if they are suffering or not; or they are just pretending that they are okay; but inside their selves or their emotions it really wreck them. That’s why they are using drugs, alcohol to forget their problems or to feel free if they take it; but they did not realize that it will damage them by mentally, physically, & emotionally from taking those drugs and alcohol. Additionally it will ruin they life and their is a possibility  that the cops catch them and going to jail.

            Moreover from the quote “ Don’t waste your life because your life matter”, in this quote I realize that i live once and my life is a gift of god; so I have no right to make a decision to my life that i want to die now or I will take those drugs & alcohol to forget my problems or to end my life.  because my life is just a gift from god he pay his life and sacrifice  to make me alive on this world; and additionally I have a family that love me and give sacrifice for raising me until i grow up.

           For the purpose, that  totally reflect to me is knowing god. Because in my life their is a lot of accident happen .First when i was 9 years old I was accident my motorcycle it hit my head and I stay in the hospital for 1 months but thankfully I recover with no injury. Second is when i was grade 8 I fell in the coconut tree and when woke up I feel like nothing happen. Third  is when i was grade 9 I get dengue  fever;  I lost hope because the doctor said that my platelets is go down and I was in stage 2 of dengue fever. But as the day goes by miracle happen that I fully recover from the dengue fever and get home. Furth is also in grade 9; I was accident by the motor I hit a dog and I crush on the rice field. But I feel nothing only a scratch in my body and my motor is very damage and the dog is dead but thankfully i’m okay from that accident. And I realize when I attend the orientation and they explain the purpose in life on this world is accept god as your creator and savior, and by that i know what is my purpose on this world and that why god giving me those opportunity to live in this world to know him better and accept in my life that he is my creature and savoir and my purpose is to praise him and accept him in my life.

     Reaction to a Personal Narrative

         My reaction on  Mr. Ian Cuevas  personal narrative. First is the message of his story; in my own understanding to his personal narrative he is very happy and thankful to meet his classmates/friends that he is able to share his problems. And additionally leave him a lot of happy memories. My  reaction on his personal narrative is the grammarly it is  not totally correct and the paragraph is not organize. Next is using the period and comma; it is not totally correct. He put the comma and period but not right and another is using capital letter. He use a comma but the next letter is cops lock. We only use capital letter next to the sentence if it is period. My opinion is it’s better that he analyze first before he put the text or sentence so that he may know the flow of his essay or story. Furthermore he must review his work before he finalize to put the right comma, period, and the organization of his paragraph so that the reader will clearly understand the text or the message of his story.

                  Facial Recognition

Her name is Lyca  Velarde, the most attractive to her is she’s

Eyes, Nose, face & smile. First that make her beautiful is her eyes.

Her eyes is like an china people that have an cute size of

eyes. If you see her eyes i guess you will be attract  because it is very cute. Second is her nose she got a very pointed nose that make her beautiful and make her attractive. Her nose is not like and ordinary Pilipino type of nose it is very pointed like an American people. Third is her face, very clear skin  no pimples and she got a nice chick that make her beautiful and attractive. If  you see her you will be get attract because even there is no make up she is still beautiful because there is no pimple and always blooming. Fourth is her smile she’s smile very simple and make her beautiful and cute. If you see her in personal  you will believe that their are filipino that like in other countries have pointed nose and nice eyes and face like korean people that use many gentel product to make there look nice unlike to her is natural beauty of filipino.

     Literary Journalism

              The   drug  addiction has become a worldwide problem now a days especially in teenagers. Many teenagers become a dependent on the different types of substance. There life of  being addicts are becomes spoiled in all aspects; as they lose contact with their family and live in a different world. They spending the lots of money on drugs, and then look for ways to earn money illegally, if we compare the health problems here are many dangerous effects of drugs. The physiological effects of being drug addiction can be difficult to endure and this is why the addict must be treated for their  different condition. With each passing hour, month and year, the population of individual drug users seems to grow. Perhaps the knowledge of the majority will have an impact not only on their bodies but on the people as a whole. "Plague" as we consider it, because it brings life to the cliffs of civilization.

             First, it damages the health of a person who may cause complications and if not preventable death. Second, it breaks down every member of the family. Family we consider to be a unit of a society. When a member enters the world of drugs, it puts his or her family at risk. Later this was the first source of abuse. Third, it can cause business problems. An employee's drug use can have a major impact on a business because it destroys the credibility and reputation of a product. Fourth, it is harmful to the environment. Chemical substances released by the manufacture of illicit drugs are not environmentally friendly. Fifth, crime is rampant. Because they are losing their sanity,

there are many things that a person with the influence of illicit drugs can do such as forgery, rape, theft, abuse and more.

              The primary effects of drug addiction take place in brain, which changes the brain functions and impacts the body .The most disturbing thing about drug addiction is that people in different countries of the world are becoming addicted to all kinds of drugs such us the  different types of street drugs such as.  Cocaine, marijuana, shabu, heroin etc. These are the most common kinds of drugs in the street that lead the teenager to buy and use it. And the only way to solve this problems about drugs is give death punishment of using it so that they will going to afraid of using drug , or every day and night have a police that always have a duty in the street or  anywhere that possibly where the prone area that the dealers possibly stay. So that it will reduce the drug addiction and have a better world of living.

            Testimony

             In my whole life this is the most memorable happen in my life. When  I was transfer here in cavite and meet my good classmates, that make my dreams come true  and have a good life living because of them. At first when I first time seen them honestly, I am not comfortable because the essence of the room is quite serious  and I feel that i am not belong to the room. I feel like i am the only one sitting on the chair, but as the time goes by all of them treat me like I am there brother. As the time goes by we have a lot of happy memories that happen and i never forget it. Because of them and having them as my second brothers and sisters ; it help my identity my weakness converting it into my strength; which lead me into the right way of my life, understand who really I am and what must I do before a take an action. The best guidance study materials & strategy provided by them  section “Emerald” was very good for me it help me fulfilling my dreams and goal in life. Even though  i’ve  done a lot more bad things that I they never expect that I can do it, i’ve done a lot of things that sometime broke there point of view to me that  I am a bad person showing my real me to them. I am not following there rule and regulation in our classroom; i am always saying bad words to them; I abuse there kindess but in the end they  always accept me who really i am. I owe my life and success to the blessings and guidance of my section, adviser and teachers that help me understand what is the meaning  between study and life and I want to say that im very proud and thankful of having them part of my life.

 Personal  Narrative

             Ten years ago September 10 my parents decided to make a birthday party for me. In  that birthday party I did not know that it was a surprise for me. I woke up by an oppressive fog. It obscured my vision and hindered my breathing. I couldn’t remember where I was or how i had gotten there. It was eerily quite. In that day I had very absolute best day in my life ever. I had been waiting for weeks to celebrate my birthday party now day has finally here.

              Before everyone arrive, I wait at the door to greet the visitor one by one. All of my closest and favorite person arrive at our house. I was very excited at that time to get the party started.

              First, my cousins, friends, and i played at the back of our house. We played all kinds of games at that time; until my mother yelled that it is time to eat. My father cook all of my favorite foods; and he make my favorite buko salad, until every one is done eating. After that to finish the party  we hit the Penata that was full of candy and each other got tons of candy. And when we finish picking up the candy we eat the ice cream.

              My birthday party was all that  I was hoping it would be; because in that time my family and cousins is complete unlike today was broken; in that time I felt so lucky to have such a great friends and family. I wish that someday we celebrate together again.

Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for  “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water.  After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong.  As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had  a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall (Lyrics)

Well, not really a better title for this sorta post... i personally have been making amends with my past and or present. This song indirectly says everything that i would like to say in this post to be honest. still i feel i should elaborate to some extent as to not leave people in the dark, i feel like that much is owed to the person who decides to read this post. so before we go further, just know im not a hardcore emo fan, just like this particular song since it speaks volumes to my current situation. Nothing against people who love this style, i see the appeal.

This is going to border on the lines of insanity but its really more of a spiritual issue. How shall i start this trip down my rabbit hole of weirdness. Lets go back 3 or so years ago. This is about the time i had my first breakdown, it was induced by weed but not the cause of it. I was already predisposed to this disorder from the get go, iv done some research on this already. Look up how marijuana does not cause symptoms of schizophrenia but that it can induce it depending upon the individual who uses the substance. just wanted to point these things out in case someone trys to label me a anti-pot advocate or something to that effect.

Im gonna lay this all out as clear as possible but without pointing fingers or making anyone feel bad. This was all my own doing, my mind took a break and decided to go on vacation. I was in this trance-like state for quite awhile after the initial break. I started to see hallucinations, visions, apparitions, hear voices and so on and so forth. Mental illness should never be taken lightly, neither do the spiritual elements to this world we currently live in. Sorry for leaving ya hang for a bit, i just feel these sorta things should be put up front so the reader has and idea of where im coming from. So, lets continue i promise not to go on too long of tangents, at least i hope not. 

Three years is a while to be dealing with stuff like this, it takes a major toll on you as a person. People tend to shrug off stuff like this as if can be as simple as just flipping a switch, let me tell ya, nothing could be further from the truth. While i was in the midst of this mental delusion or breakdown i was also dabbling with the occult to some extent, well i was trying to expose things in the world related to the occult. I listened to people like Alex Jones and other truthers out there on the interwebs. Perhaps i had the break for a reason, since opening your eyes to the world around you really does have a deep impact on you as a human. I guess some people arent ready to be awakened to the matrix, i feel like i fit the bill for that one. 

I was also deep into certain forms of entertainment, which may or may not be within the realm of the occult to some degree. I won't say they are, just that spiritually speaking, we are all exposed to this world, spiritual darkness/light does exist so we must come to terms with this idea right now. These forms of entertainment were that of heavy metal music, horror movies, video games etc. etc. So you could begin to see how this might play a role in someone's environment not being so healthy, not to mention genetic predispositions or trauma experienced during childhood.  So no blame is being put anywhere here, just need to lay it all out there so people can fully understand what could possibly make situations worse for people suffering from these illnesses. 

Again, i must apologize since i do babble, i am laying out the groundwork for how all of this happened and help others understand it better. So in this day we live in people believe in many ideologies. Too many to name right off but i will mention that i did try to do the New Age thing at one point during all this. Since the voices kept insisting this was some form of ascending or something to that effect. You hear terms like this often with New Age beliefs, ascended masters, 3rd eye-opening, gods/goddess, soulmates/twinflames. All sorts of interesting perspectives to the things that are actually happening. I say that since i come from a biblical background, i believe this is just a deception from the Devil, not some form of spiritual awakening (False Awakening). 

I mention the twin flame thing since that seemed to be something they wanted me to know about, they wanted to lead me in a direction that i was somehow spiritually connected to people i was never actually connected to. I fell into a trap in my mind, thinking it was real and that i was somehow connected to celebrities or public figures iv never even met. Just cause my mind was gone, and also since with this belief, people do actually think they are all connected to one another universally or something like that. Like some sort of cosmic beehive that we are all apart of, we can tap into that only if we go through the ranks and reach Christ consciousness. Again i don't believe these things, its just what i see out there. I would encourage you to investigate this for yourself. 

Everyone has the desire to know more about their existence, so thats what i was trying to do. To figure out where i came from or how everything came to be. The problem was my heart/mind was not in the right place. I was doing things for selfish reasons. I not only wanted to be apart of something more than myself, i also wanted to have things i could not have. So perhaps this was that outlet for me, to live out a fantasy of sorts but in a spiritual way since in reality, i knew something like this could not be. I wanted to believe i could connect with people on a conscious leavel, like a telephone call or something like that. With the new age, they say you can tap into that christ like consciousness and experience something along the lines of telepathy.

So, that's how i thought for a while, that the voices were like a telepathic line to some of these people. I fell in love with that idea until i found out it was a deception. Why wouldn't you want to believe you had some sort of ability to talk to people using only your mind. Since my heart was in the wrong place tho, i ended up abusing what i thought was power. I used it to try indirectly message people. Thinking i was actually talking to the people in my head, even though that was never the case. This is why i called it insanity in the beginning, you cant make this stuff up folks, i thought i was talking to people in my head in real life. Not only that but i also had lucid dreams involving those people. So in my reality, this was happening, no matter how you explained it to me. 

This is how the trap was laid out for me, i fell for it hook line and sinker. I also developed an obsession with some of the celebrities associated with the voices in my head. Thinking they knew about all of it too, just not really coming right out and saying it since they don't want to damage their image or make things public you know. I mean really, who would come out and make something like this public, they would look pretty insane just like i am right now. So, let me be clear, iv had psych help and meds help me to come back to reality since all of this happened. I no longer believe any of this, i just think i had a really wild fantasy that turned out to be a spiritual and psychological problem. 

As wild as it may appear, i think many out there do believe these sorta things. Look up youtube videos. People do believe they can have astral sex or spiritual sex with spirits or other people. So, im not that crazy for believing these things. Many people fall into these traps wanting to believe in something more, which isn't all bad, just misguided thats all. My main issue tho is that i was torn between two different women in my head, even more if i wanted to be completely honest with myself. I had talked myself into believing i was telepathically connected to women i would never have a chance with in real life. That they even wanted me at one point... yeah, pretty bizarre thinking pattern i know. So, kids dont do drugs or dabble in the occult cause you might get sucked into thinking you have godlike powers lol. 

I suppose my heart was just torn on the people i admired or had a crush on, perhaps at one point i even considered polyamory as an option. I was so selfish in thinking i could have these things and never really stopping to think, well what do they think about this, or i don't even deserve this at all. Just the gull in that line of thinking alone is enough to make me almost hate myself for even trying to make these fantasy women love me, all of them. I was basically being a player in the spiritual sense. So, yeah, you can guess how all of that played out. Many fights inside my head about beliefs and even with the women in my head. You wanna know what insanity is, try having imaginary voices of pissed off women in your head every day for 3 years. 

You may ask yourself, do i still hear them. Yes to some degree i do, but medications and therapy have helped me cope with all of this. Do i still love the people who are in my head, yes on a human level i still love them very much. Despite it all being just in my head, i just want them to be alright and know i was never trying to hurt them, just wanted to be loved by someone. Yes, it does appear to me that i needed to fix the wrong i had done, even if it was just in my head, the voices are still very real and do get mad when you act out or are a jerk, just like in real life. So i have used that as a tool to help me grow as a person, knowing we are all flawed and make mistakes. I needed to mend my mind and make peace with them. So this is also how im doing that, trying to make peace. 

In the end i was completely off the deep end in all this thinking, now i must live with the choices iv made. Even if iv never really hurt anyone in the real world, i still need to make this right, just on a personal level. Also even in Gods eyes, this could be something very real to him, doing things of that nature. Imagine, people do actually do things of that nature in the real world, play games with people and make them feel like they are the only one. When i reality they are cheating around every corner with some other person, either just because or for other unknown reasons. Maybe they just never see eye to eye or people just want to live that rock n roll style life and bed multiple partners just for the sake of saying they did. For me tho, i really want just one woman, just one who i know will be there for me and will stick with me no matter how hard it gets, Even with my mental illness she sees im a good man, trying to make it work. 

I know a woman like that still exists out there despite all the BS you hear from other men or even women for that matter. Perhaps i will find her in my faith, which is the thing Jehovah God would want, or maybe in the world. Some things are better left unknown. Just know that when the time is right, it will happen, not by force, but just because we are both ready to be in a committed relationship, not matter what gets in our way, we will have faith. Yes, this just turned into a post about me having women trouble, not entirely but yeah, i am pretty caught up in these things in my head so i must be honest with you. So now i guess you have a bit more insight into the way my mind works. Never again will i go into this much detail about my psych break. So consider yourself blessed or cursed with more knowledge of this random dude on the internet. 

Im about done here, so thanks for dropping by to go down this deep pit of my mind. I love you for doing that, just for caring enough to sit through this long and drawn out post about a guy having women problems in his head, its much more than just that but yeah. That's just the overly simplified version of this mess so that i don't get people too confused. Even though im betting you stil are, even i find myself still questioning these things from time to time. Well, that about does it, i have to get going, the voices are telling me i need to go play the new spiderman game that just came out, yes it is very awesome, i would definitely recommend you try it. 

I cant even read it (link below post), i get too upset over remembering such situations and relive the utter hopelessness of no escape. Switch in, switch off. Now i see you, now i dont. You may be fucking my body but you aint fucking me. You may be "worried about me" but you steal my autonomy entirely and push me into a crying out of desperation and a consequent switch off because you are prohibiting me to leave your apartment and i cant do anything about it but let it happen til you feel satisfied in whatever the fuck you think is the problem. Dont touch me.

I may be in the middle of having good sex and switch and im an upset little not knowing how to make it stop.

I cant speak up or defend myself against either parent because of the christian god given authority that you have to act like a threat of physical punishment and mockery and force submission from a child. I cant speak up even when you accuse me of lying because i have had triggering reactions to your behaviour in the context of visceral freezing and denial related to childhood sexual abuse and because i can barely say anything back in my defense you laugh at me. Growing up afraid because of an unstable mother that the child doesnt know how to exist in case shes going to get punished or abused out of getting her reactions wrong.

The reappearance of identities are always directly connected to a retraumatizing or triggering event. The host/s of the body has changed at least three times, but most likely more times than that.

We dont remember the same memory chains to our childhood, some of us cant recall anything without a struggle from young age and some of us have second hand memories from writing down and hearing and visually seeing co-consciously someone else's childhood memories. None of us that front or are close to front have memories of explicit childhood trauma aside parental negligence and verbal abuse, just snapshot memories and second hand knowledge from people we no longer have access to.

All i need to be diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder is amnesia pertaining to personal information such as trauma events or forgetting/not knowing how old i am already, or forgetting an entire second story of a house i lived in and what happened there mundanely or otherwise or having no memories of living with one of my brothers growing up, amnesia of some levels between alters, primary identity and at least one (1) other identity or state that takes control of the body or situation regularly (yet i have several alters named and unnamed of different ages, genders, sexual orientation and species, whether or not we can or need to identify ourselves reliably to other people and its daily), and that it doesnt occur because of a physical condition (such as epilepsia) or any chemical substance use. That is literally all the criteria needed for the diagnosis. And you cant even comprehend a description of co-consciousness of two alters. Wtf is that??

My alters exist to protect me and mine, to deal with situations and lack of things we needed in our childhood, to protect me and mine to this very day when our host cannot handle a situation. Even if we can protect ourselves only through breaking down and switching all emotions off and calm the fuck down after being pushed that far we cant bear it. Or getting viscerally angry out of nowhere. Or flipping the switch and self harm. Or having unbearable emotion or reaction such as panicking and forcing a switch by leaving home and forcing a social alter to step in once we are outside. Magic! Immediately no panic or difficult feelings, happy mood and clear head and a whole different person! Imagine that! Fuck you for suggesting to me im intentionally, yet apparently also according to you: without control over it (pray tell how is that intentional when there is no control over it) creating identities to deal with trauma as if by the way you wanna word it, it somehow becomes not a dissociative trauma response from childhood but some extensive and ellaborate child's game and is thus the child's fault and purely imaginative?

Ugh, im getting a headache.

PDF link describing what the structured stages of dissociation mean and entail in finnish.

why do people insist on following my rp blogs when our rules blatantly contradict each other

warning. long rant under the cut

I used to rp a homicidal maniac and most of my threats involved him ripping someone apart in graphic detail. People who’s rules state that they don’t like graphic gore, despite multiple warnings all over my blog follow me. one even had the audacity to complain when i said i won’t tag things because theres no point? why follow a gore blog if you cant handle gore?

now i have an increase in blogs that mainly rp smut, when my rules state smut makes me uncomfy. im tired of going to peoples blogs only to discover their threads are mainly smut and they make it very clear how big their muse’s privates are. even if its not smut, if i see details about your muse’s dick, no. fuck off and unfollow me

i’m starting to wonder if i need to put that i will not interact with blogs that have a heavy focus on smut in my description, because people are clearly not getting the hint when i say smut makes me uncomfortable. is their thought process that they dont just rp smut so i might give them a chance? mate i’ve given people like that chances and it has always led to them trying to pressure me into smut. hell. one person sent me a very unwanted, unprompted ask of their muse trying to grab mine’s balls then got pissy when mine retaliated by cutting his hand off. the fact they would try this on someone who enjoys dismembering people for fun is even more mind boggling

shit man i even recently had a blog that was like IF YOU RP QUESTIONABLE SUBJECTS WITHOUT YOUR MUSE HAVING REPERCUSSIONS THEN YOU SUPPORT IT. why the fuck are you following my blog that contains many many many mentions of abuse of the physical, emotional, and substance kind

hell it’s gotten to the point where i just block people on sight because i dont want problems, especially if these people are on the list of fandoms i wont rp with (every u.ndertale blog who follows me is just proving my reasons why i refuse to associate with them)

i dunno man

why dont people read rules anymore?

and I find the people who do it are also the people who demand that you read their rules and send in passwords

i’ve also noticed that if the mun feels the need to mention how nice they are in their rules, they usually aren’t nice people at all. they also tend to have rules written in the rudest way possible.

im just waiting for the inevitable of someone not knowing what mutuals only means

god if there was a better place to rp i’d just go there. my blogs at this point only exist out of necessity to rp with my small circle friends

Why we Need to Stop Saying, “I’m Sorry For Your Loss.”

Via Ed Preston on Apr 2, 2017

There were about 150 people at my father’s memorial service.

Standing in the receiving line afterward it seemed like every conversation, whether it was with an old friend or a total stranger, began with the exact same phrase, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Most conversations didn’t go far beyond that, partly because there’s not much to say in response except, “thank you.”

A few people managed to mix in another platitude like, “He’s in a better place now” or, “At least his suffering is over,” but it all started to sound like a broken record pretty quickly; one that I had heard many times before, seen played out in movies and even unknowingly participated in myself. Now it was being played for me at one of the most painful moments of my life, and the hollowness of that experience would literally change my course forever.

Why do so many of us struggle with what to say to someone who is grieving?

Perhaps it’s because of our cultural death phobia, and the way it pathologizes everything related to sadness. If we’re not better at dealing with grief, then it’s because we’ve never been taught better. Unfortunately, that leaves the majority of people with only one stock phrase in their repertoire, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Grieving Needs More than Clichés.

One problem is simply the overwhelming use of this one phrase, while simultaneously reserving it almost exclusively for the family. It seems as the close friends aren’t really grieving at all, while family members get the idea of loss hammered into them over and over.

Saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bit like the cashier saying, “Have a nice day,” at the convenience store. It betrays a lack of original thought and is so pervasive it has become irritating for many.

When responses are this programmed, how sincere is the sentiment? As more people start to become irritated by it, choosing this particular phrase because it feels “safe” isn’t really that safe anymore. Clarity Works. Euphemisms Don’t.

Using the language of loss as a euphemism for death is one of many ways in which our culture conceals the reality of death, perpetuates our phobias about it, and keeps us trapped. Spoken by a griever, “I lost my mother in 2015” is being used to avoid saying the word “died.” Spoken to a griever it expresses pity combined with distancing, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The problem is that it’s linguistically incorrect. The verb “to lose” is active, something we do. The reality of grief is that someone else died. You didn’t lose them in the same way you would lose your car keys or your wallet, and depending on your religious convictions you may not feel like you lost them at all.

For most of my life, I definitely thought of deceased loved ones as lost because I was well trained by the culture to do so. Visiting a Native American friend one day I said something about losing someone and my friend responded, “You don’t have to lose someone just because they died.”

That was the first time I was exposed to the idea that it’s possible to live in the presence of the dead, not as frightening ghosts, but as honored members of the clan.

These days I’ve become accustomed to drawing comfort from the idea that I’m living in the presence of departed loved ones. Actually, speaking to them in quiet moments when I’m alone is one of several key components—like meditation, being in nature or remembering special occasions—I use to process my grief whenever it shows up. Whether one wishes to think about that in terms of psychology or in terms of the spiritual language, it seems completely irrelevant. All I know is that I find it helpful. It’s the Wrong Mental Programming.

Experts in the field of grief care (Stephen Jenkinson, for example) are starting to recommend using the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead. The language of loss refutes the notion that there might be an upside to grief, a spiritual deepening that can result from being exposed to something that’s an inevitable consequence of being born and choosing to love each other. By shifting to the language of suffering, healing, and overcoming challenges instead, death and grieving can once again become the redemptive processes I’ve come to believe they were always meant to be.

After personally experiencing the old cliché and its real world application thousands of times over several decades, I remember quite vividly the first time someone said, “I’m sorry for your suffering. I’m here with you.”

How different those words felt!

I immediately knew the stranger sitting next to me on a park bench somehow understood something that had been missed by all the close friends and family who had been sorry for my loss, but not present with my suffering.

Firstly, she knew I was suffering, and her use of the word “sorry” came across as authentic compassion rather than pity. Second, there was no distancing or avoidance in the way she said it. She knew what I needed most: validation of my grief and someone willing to listen, even if that meant listening through some tears. Best of all there was no judgment. The Challenges Ahead.

Significant numbers of people are starting to open up about their dissatisfaction with this worn out cliché. Others seem almost determined to defend it as the ultimate expression of sympathy. What the defenders don’t seem to understand is that no one will ever be offended or hurt by not saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

For those wanting to improve their grief communication by eliminating clichés with more accurate, helpful, and authentic responses, but still aren’t sure what to say, here are a few other choices in no particular order. These are just a few of the many options available, and they can be combined in various ways to make them both personal and appropriate.

1. I’m sorry you’re suffering right now, but I’m here with you and willing to help any way I can. Is there anything you need right now?

2. I’m sorry for whatever challenges might lie ahead for you, but I’m here and willing to help. Would it be okay if I call next week just to check in with you?

3. Please accept my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now, but I know enough about grief to know that it can be very challenging. Don’t hesitate to call me if there’s anything I can do to help.

4. I’m so sorry to hear about _____. I’m sure you’re going to miss him/her terribly. How are you holding up?

5. I know there’s nothing I can say right now to make things better, but I also know that having someone to talk to at times like this is really important, so don’t hesitate to call me whenever you need to.

Follow any of those with what you loved most about the deceased or tell a story about a favorite memory of them, and I think most people will be pleased with the deep level of connection that’s instantly created. I’m absolutely certain the bereft will feel less isolated and better supported.

One reason is that the phrases above easily open into longer conversations, while “I’m sorry for your loss” tends to shut them down. In some cases, it’s even appropriate to simply remain silent and offer them a deeply heartfelt hug instead.

Most important of all is just being willing to listen and be present.

Author: Ed Preston

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/04/why-we-need-to-stop-saying-im-sorry-for-your-loss/

Ed Preston is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist and mindfulness meditation teacher with over 20 years of experience. He is the founder of Triad Grief Recovery & Support Services in Greensboro, NC. He also has a degree in cultural anthropology and lived in the Four Corners region for 35 years, where he was a professional guide and bridge to the Navajo and Hopi cultures. Connect with Ed on his website.

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Comments

Deborah Crane-Foote I disagree. I lost my only child the day after this past Christmas. The loss is to awful to contemplate, let alone know what to say. I prefer it to " he's waiting for you" " he's in a better place" or other drivel. Im sorry means, I have no idea what to say, but I care that you hurt. I'm a substance abuse counselor and deal with mite loss and trauma than humanity should have to endure. My clients have all expressed their appreciation that people say that to them. Intentions can be communicated with more than words. The look on people's faces, their body language and their follow up efforts show that "I'm sorry" is deeper than those simple words. Like · Reply · 24 · Apr 2, 2017 6:20pm

Sylvain Thibault · John Abbott College Hi Deborah. I understand and agree with your point of view. Seeing, feeling and knowing that someone is genuinely understanding and "sorry" is very comforting. However, please read the article again carefully. I think you'll see that it's really about how the "sorry for your loss" phrase is most often being used in a way that has become meaningless, insincere, and disingenuine. I feel that many of us say it simply because it's easier, requires less effort, allows us to remain detatched and save our energy, rather than commit or "give" of ourselves to another human being. I feel the reason this often seems laborious and demanding. is that we have this idea, this notion, that we MUST "be", "feel" and respond in a certain way towards the other person, rather than just being ourselves, however we may be feeling in the moment, and extending as much as we can afford to give to the person in that moment. We often think this will not be enough, not be good enough, and then unnecessarily demand more of ourselves. This is taxing and draining, and so a quick and/or "easy" way out of this heavy, burdensome demand we place on ourselves is to say something that is "socially acceptable" and has become "the norm", and even expected. ...Until we realize that simply saying how we truly feel, and only giving as much of ourselves as we can, no more and no less, would be more than enough and greatly appreciated and accepted by the other person. In the end what we actually say doesn't matter, whether it's one thing or another, so long as it's sincere and genuine. The other will feel that and most often show thier gratitude and appreciation for it. I think this is what the article is really about. Someone who is genuinely sorry and understands us, and is able to show this is what we need and appreciate most. Like · Reply · 6 · Apr 3, 2017 9:29am

MaryBeth Whiting Walz · Freelance Writer at Writing and blogging Sylvain Thibault - Well, in a perfect world, that would be great. But this world and every person in it are imperfect. And so they say something that "sounds" rote to you. But you have no idea if it is, or if it took every ounce of their being just to say that! Most people do not handle words well, especially when someone is eminating stress and grief. And if you've never been there, how could you possibly know?

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Rachel Fuerstenberg Stewart I also disagree. While insightful in theory, for me the most comfort was in this simple expression. I did lose my husband, his warmth and physical presence is gone. Though I feel him with me, to say I didn't lose him is disrespectful. I may be a spiritual being, but I am also a physical being, suffering a physical loss. While it may be cliche, that simple easy phrase allowed me to accept the comfort of an endless stream of well wishers without requiring a conversation of me - a blessed gift. Every time someone asked what I needed, I wanted to scream, "my husband!!"

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Legion -R

The good: At the beginning, they did such a magnificent job at portraying mental illness in a respectful way and it truly felt like we were sharing in David’s confusion and his pain. Adding ‘addict’ to his narrative really allowed me to explain his quick ascension into tyrannical demi-god and falling in “love” as a replacement for his substance abuse problem, where instead of drugs he uses power and “love” or “lust” to fill an empty void that still persists inside of himself. Lenny was someone who seemed so multi-faceted and certainly the antagonist all throughout but still likeable. As the negative influence in David’s entire life she did a marvelous job in portraying the manipulative ways in which she managed to convince David into believing he needed her and should only trust her because everyone else is lying. From someone who has not read the comics I truly did not see her becoming the main villain. She was portrayed similarly to Beetlejuice, Angelina Jolie in girl interrupted and yet a helpful companion all at once. Although she could have very well existed on her own you got the sense that she needed David and their relationship remained confusing until the end. She was wonderful at orchestrating her further descent into madness in a beautiful way, im so happy with how many ways she was allowed to act on this show. The bad: Syd. That sums it all up. There were so many problems with her character, from her unexplainable “love” to David, to her being overtly sexualized and infantilized at the same time to her acting, to her narrative and her sole reason for existing being David and her shitty powers which are not explained very well and seemingly have no real purpose except to kind of rape her mother and her mother’s boyfriend by inhabiting her body when she was 16 and making the boyfriend have sex with her only to be changed back to her actual self in the middle of it; which is about the only backstory we have for her. This character is used as a means to explain away where David gets the power to overcome literally every single one of his obstacles in an unimaginative “magical” way that really requires no thought. It is a tired old trope to have this woman be so devoid of personality that she comes across as a robot both in her manner of speech and I have equated her existence as being capable of being replaced by a life like mannequin. Syd is meant to be the driving force for David, both in his journey to recovery and in an attempt to lure him to the establishment with dr.bird. The only inkling I got in the entire 1st season that she might be capable of having non-David loving thoughts are when she gives a smirk at his losing control of his powers. Sadly throughout the rest of the show the talks about true love continued and at this point if she did have alterior motives not only would it not be surprising in the least but she also has not played the love card well either. Stereotypically, when Syd and David have sex for the first time, they are suddenly portrayed as evil or just consumed by lust by making them wear all black and Syd seemed to have a black eye for the rest of the season which nobody addressed. My immediate thought was that much like a virus and since Syd had inhabited David’s head multiple times now through her and his powers, perhaps they were susceptible to transmitting mind diseases since she began to see the angry hitler boy in her mind as well and that in her case it was overtaking her and making her body decay from the inside out. There were a lot of concepts introduced that served no purpose and it felt very frustrating to give the audience so many mysteries and in one episode they managed to boil them down to being all a manifestation of one main villain. The other mysteries like the father and his blurred out face was not a surprise to people who know the backstory of David to an extent and that was what they chose to end the season with, again, falling short of intrigue. The way they supposedly trapped Lenny a la kill bill style really did not make much sense and them being naive enough to believe he was gone was pretty foolish. Lenny had a mere few moments where I did not like what they did to her character, at the start of the show she was genderless and her sexuality was made to be of importance in some way. Once that initial “kiss” between David and Lenny happened, in an effort to sexualize Lenny they began to feminize her as well which I didn’t think was necessary and nobody explained what the relevance was of her having been Benny in real life and what the relevance was of her having different faces in general in his mind. I thought the angriest boy in the world was going to matter in some way but it ended up being a backstory for hitler boy which was unnecessary entirely. Part of me would want to give it another shot but considering their lack of portrayal in regards to POC characters and adequate female portrayal its not looking too bright. R. I didnt proof read so its from my heart.

stressed and have no one to vent to??? WHY NOT TUMBLR???

hhhhhhsorry. putting it under the cut. 

god squid just shut up already

.........so i lost both of my fps within the last six months (both of whom i was in a relationship with) and have since basically shut everyone in my life out of my life since then barring one friend (who is my depended so if i lose him...hOO BOY-) but thats not the point..(from this point on i will be referring to ex-fp as 'wolf')

i recently was able to reconnect with one of them (the other having blocked me and refuses to be anywhere near me without explaining why ahaaaa) and ive learned that, not only is he engaged to one of our mutual exes (who will be called 'giraffe'), 

he had also relapsed into drug use. so he had been going to rehab for a month or so before we started talking again. as i also have a background in substance abuse, and coping skills to combat them, ive become a big support for him. 

apparently the BIGGEST if what he says is true. 

and ive pretty much been keeping all of our mutual acquaintances in line with handling him. his fiance is...

...hes not good. 

not as in, hes not a good person. not good as in, not in the proper state of mind to handle the situation well.

ive known the fiance as well for a long time (as i said, i dated him as well...or...to be more apt...i had used 'giraffe' as a substitute for 'wolf' while we had been taking a break).

giraffe is...well, hes about as stable as 'wolf' and i. 

and arguably right now, IM the most stable out of all of us. 

the one with the bloody personality disorder.

giraffe has been very distant to wolf as of late and its really been making 'wolf' even more upset and stressed out. so he has been clinging onto me even MORE now.

this is where things get muddy for me because, as stated at the top, 'wolf' is my ex-fp, and i thought i wouldnt be having any more fp related problems where hes involved.

yet any time he, or anyone else even MENTIONS 'giraffe', i shut down and IMMEDIATELY begin to split.

since so many people are counting on me to be a voice of reason and the only level head in this situation 

(once again, LAUGHABLE)

 i just grit my teeth and bear it.

but...

even though 'giraffe' is my friend as well i just...i dont hate him i guess, but ...i just get so fucking FURIOUS. hes the one who should be supporting 'wolf MOST, *NOT* 'wolfs EX. 

he's not takng aything well, despite my efforts to help him since im VERY familiar with 'wolf's problems. but i just...want to RIP HIS DAMNED THROAT OUT for acting th way he is.

and whats worst of all, and what is the reason for prompting me to FINALLY actually try to get my feelings out (and thus word vomiting for all the internet to see) is that im actually beginning to worry if im trying to sabotage them?? 

i mean, giraffes already doing a pretty good job of that himself and their relationship is already strained as it is. 

and when i actually learned of just how bad it is i just...got so overwhelmed with glee???

just...grim, euphoric, schadenfreude-esque JOY.

and the kicker here is, i dont even think im ATTRACTED to 'wolf' anymore. and i was so certain that id been able to metaphorically 'dump' him from being my fp but after everything thats happened now i just...

dont..

know..

and its so tiring and frustrating and i ALWAYS have to be the bigger person, the one with all the answers, the cool headed one and im just...

so......

tired.......

so yeah.....sorry for all this rambling...if you made it this far, thanks for listening or whatever..