New vid by our dear friends @dont-mind-if-i-doodle just dropped!

Mayhaps it’s worth sinking your teeth into 🧛‍♂️✝️

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010) // Dir. Vitaliy Versace

I thought this was going to be a campy spoof of Twilight or something. I don’t even know what I’m watching now.

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010)

There’s nothing like a knockoff to make you appreciate the real thing. We’ve seen many Twilight imitators over the years and The Last Vampire on Earth is easily the worst one. This film only has two modes: utter boredom and unintentional, all-consuming, laugh-so-hard-you’ve-got-tears-coming-out-of-your-eyes unintentional hilarity.

While rehearsing for a play adaptation of Dracula, college student Chloe Parish (McKenzie Grimmett) begins hanging out with and becoming closer to Aurelius (Michael Bole), a classmate playing the titular role. While studying the legends of the vampire, she begins wondering if the man she’s falling for could be one.

The word “knockoff” isn’t exactly appropriate. I think the correct term this time is “plagiarism”. Entire scenes are lifted word-for-word from Stephenie Myers’ book. Yes, I'm saying "book" rather than the "movie adaptation". This film is so poorly made the effort to pop the DVD into a player and manually type all of the dialogue to ensure the correct punctuation must have been too much for writer Mandie Abraham. I know the credits SAY this film is based on the 104-page novel of the same name (published in 2010) but come on; it’s Twilight.

Where to begin? How about with the cast? I can’t remember the last time I saw someone less qualified to be a leading man than Michael Bole. He doesn’t lack charisma, he has anti-charisma. Constantly mumbling his lines without a drop of enthusiasm, he is never convincing as a human being, much less a 2,000+ year-old vampire. He and McKenzie Grimmett have no chemistry, whatsoever. You don’t need to see the one very brief, icy kiss - the one she seems to recoil from in disgust - to believe these two would never EVER fall in love. To be fair, you can’t blame her. I once heard the film described as “'Twilight' if they replaced Robert Pattinson with an ogre”. It’s cruel… but also fitting. Don’t think I’m letting the female lead off the hook. She’s clearly either a big fan of Twilight who got suckered into this project, or an amateur with absolutely no future in Hollywood. Either way, it’s painful to watch.

The picture is poorly shot. The special effects are at the level of a middle-school project hurriedly churned out over a single afternoon. A weird filter applied to every single frame makes the film look like it was shot through a cardboard tube and the effect isn’t even centered most of the time. Then there are small details which pass by so quickly you might miss them (no thanks to the lack of subtitles). When Chloe learns Aurelius has been alive for two millennia, she asks him if he met Jesus. Of course, he says yes, Because no shitty movie about immortals is complete without the revelation that they were present for every single big event in human history. The pasty lunk replies that yeah he met Jesus, and that he was a pretty cool guy. So wait, it’s a vampire movie in which Jesus lived… and the vampire isn’t affected by crucifixes?

The writing is on a level so low even film enthusiasts who see everything are unlikely to have encountered anything like it before. It’s no secret that Twilight was heavily influenced by Stephenie Meyer’s Mormon faith. At first glance, this film’s not-Bella being a Jehovah’s witness doesn’t seem out of place. It even seems a little clever, as the Witnesses do not believe in blood transfusions. But then, you see the characters go to a church and it becomes clear this is simply window-dressing riddled with mistakes. What did you expect? The film can’t even manage to give its vampire pointed teeth. Doing something like basic research would be just way too hard.

Even within its own logic and mythology, The Last Vampire on Earth is packed thick with mistakes, illogical choices and actions which make no sense. There is nothing, NOTHING this film manages to get right, not even the DVD menu, which doesn’t even include an option to jump to a scene. Closing your eyes while The Last Vampire on Earth is playing is a sweet, sweet relief so there's a chance it may put you to sleep. To watch it, you’ll need to strain your ears so you can hear what the characters are saying. It’s shockingly bad but sprung unto an unsuspecting audience, it can be a riot. There are so many aspects of this picture to pick apart and the effort involved in the project so fruitless you can have a good time with what is undoubtedly one of the worst productions I’ve ever seen. (On DVD, November 30, 2018)

Another day to live through. Better get started.

The Last Man on Earth (1964) dir. Ubaldo Ragona & Sidney Salkow

Vincent Price - The Last Man On Earth (1964) dir. Sydney Salkow/Ubaldo Ragona

buffy season four will give you whiplash any time they cut from one romantic subplot to another. ¿anya and xander? autistic loser4loser in the best way possible. they’re cute as hell. ¿willow and tara? amazing, magnificent, spectacular, literally groundbreaking witches experimenting with magic and being gay 10/10 no notes. ¿buffy and riley? rancid. worst ship ever. what does a queen like her see in such a cardboard cutout of a man who doesn’t even like that she can fight better than him

So we all agree that didn't happen right. But, i support Unrelieable Narrator Armand getting slutty with it

finished s2 e1...i love pain

AMY POND + GENRE:

   GOTHIC

The Last Vampire on Earth (2010) // Dir. Vitaliy Versace

This is why we end up with defanged adaptations of everything like the Avatar live action with a non-sexist Sokka and an Unemotional Girlboss Katara

huge eric fan now for how he is about his weird little two-thousand-year-old enlightened teenage dad . like, oh, i'm huge and tall but i never want to seem like i'm looming over you so whenever we're face to face i'll kneel or sit below you and look up like you're some kind of jesus . when i met you i thought you were death and you said come walk with me through the dark and i said what's in it for me? and it's been a thousand years and i'm the age now that you were then and i haven't changed; i'm still a careless, blood-soaked opportunist and loving it, but you decided you were a pacifist somewhere in the past couple centuries and i SO SUPER don't get it but i love you so i hope you're happy and enjoying your linen smocks and ancient mien of peaceful remorse. and then i let you die because you think it will help and i hate to let you down. and i never get over you, ever

I’m trying to figure out how to draw the Boys and quite frankly I don’t think it’s going well

Oh my god that anon who noticed price’s skull mask has fangs…. Good lord. Vampire price? I might actually just pass away

Price would be sooooo good as a vampire! 🤩 Nearly apoplectic in his feral anger.

I don't think he'd be suave in his pursuit (like Bela Lugosi's enchanting Dracula) but very gruff, and dangerous, and very intense; the kind that would make you wary of the massive man looming in the distance, but still magnetic enough for you to wander closer despite the warnings in your head telling you to stay away.

Ahh, I just love the idea of vampires and immortality because it can go so many ways which are rarely explored (unless we're talking about WWDITS). So the idea of gradual apathy and nihilism that must seep in is so interesting to me. I think Price - an utilitarian man who is forced to live for aeons - feeling a disillusioned sense of life, edging on something misanthropic, can be so neat to fully dive into and explore.

And then, of course, the obligatory: meets someone that changes his mind and makes him see life with a different perspective.