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someobscurereference · 3 years

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For one: whenever the concept of the Nohrians meeting the young trio comes up, my first thoughts are 1) Inigo being cripplingly shy and terrified of Xander 2) Severa being Extremely Unreasonable and Aggressive especially toward Camilla and 3) Owain gravitating toward Elise because she's reminiscent of his mother, because he's a mama's boy who probably lost his mom very recently and that's pretty fucked up!!

That being said, I'm screaming at the idea of Owain gravitating toward Elise because mother, Xander because cool sword, and Camilla because cool armor, and Not Trusting Leo because he's a Dark Mage and Dark Mage Means Plegia Means Grima Means Evil (almost always) and Leo being so upset about it. It turns the tables entirely, where Odin was originally the one who thought both Leo and Niles were so cool and they thought he was a weirdo idiot until he proved himself, now he thinks they're creepy and Evil and have to work for his trust. And I will always love the Nohrians realizing the trio were Fucked Up Kids and the idea of them watching the three of them take down a faceless with Brutal efficiency because of how much more dangerous Risen were...I'm so into this. AND!! The trio fucking hating each other!! They're so used to them being Best Friends and Inseparable and understanding each other on a whole different wavelength. And now? Sev and Inigo aren't very kind toward Owain's dramatics, Sev and Owain are Bothered by Inigo's flirtations, and Severa is just so harsh with both of them (and most people). Of all the people they could be stuck with, they would Not choose each other. I'm rambling but I'm so into it I'm so so into it. One of the previous asks you linked spoke a lot about Inigo, but if you could talk a bit more about Severa and Owain? Especially if their adult selves were involved with their lieges and partner retainers and how different the dynamic is now and the way they each react when realizing the trio went through something so clearly screwed up and beyond even what they've seen

(prev ask) Ayyy, glad you got a kick out of all of that, lol. And yes!! Leo Trio origins reversed!! With Niles and Leo being the ones who have to prove themselves to Owain instead of the other way around. And the Trio not getting along!! They're 100% there to save each other when they think they're in mortal danger, but as soon as they realize they're not in Plegia? Don't touch me, don't breath on me, don't look in my direction, any of you. Owain & Inigo can't be alone in a room together or else they'll scuffle, Severa stomps away whenever Inigo tries to compliment her, nobody wants to talk to Owain, etc.

Also sure! I spoke a lot about Inigo in that last ask because I wanted to be clear about what I meant with the shyness thing, but for Severa & Owain...

I don't know if they would have been in romance with their lieges before this! I obviously ship the royals & their retainers, but I don't ever see the appeal of that dynamic in deaging fics? I get the idea of like "oh, this is a new side of my partner I've never seen before," but the deaging part is such a huge part of the plot that I don't really see the benefit to that dynamic in these types of fics.

But just in general! The friendship/platonic shift!

I mentioned before about Camilla trying to dote on little Severa but struggling because Severa rejects her So Hard, lol. In general she'd want to dote on Severa because of her personality and how Severa is a tiny version of her beloved retainer, but the more it becomes clear that Severa has issues (especially re: family, which is a major reason Camilla feels the need to dote on Corrin), the more she wants to spend time with her and make some happy memories with her. Which makes Severa's rejection of this attention even stronger bc who the hell are you to presume you know her? And also you're not her big sister/mom/whoever.

Eventually, I almost feel like Camilla would?? I don't want to say "give up," but eventually you're going to get more flies with honey than vinegar. By which I mean the less Camilla tries to push the relationship, the more open Severa might be to spending time with her. But I'm not sure Camilla would get to this point within the timeframe of the Trio being deaged! I think this would take many days or perhaps even weeks to figure out. If the Trio return to normal before this, I think Camilla might feel different (Hard to say how... maybe guilty??) about the way her Selena dotes on her and wants her attention all the time vs little Severa rejecting her. But!! If the Trio stay deaged for a while and Camilla learns to stop pushing the relationship, Severa may slowly grow to approach Camilla on her own and may then be open to being doted upon once they understand each other more (bc she canonically wants all the foods and fun stuff Camilla is offering; she just wants it from someone she trusts. And primarily from her parents ((see: awakening supports w/ parents)), but they're not here).

tl;dr Camilla would have to go against her doting instincts if she wanted Severa to get comfortable with her. Otherwise Severa would avoid her/take advantage of the things Camilla is offering while not wanting to be near her very much.

Re: Beruka!

Unlike Camilla, who has a lot of sad and sympathetic feelings for Severa, Beruka really leaves feelings out of it. Which is probably to her benefit in this scenario, as she's approaching Severa's trauma's from a logical (perhaps even detachedly relatable) standpoint rather than sympathetic. She's more direct than Camilla, so Severa might be a little more comfortable with her, just because she knows what to expect.

Severa, for her part, may even seek Beruka out once she knows they're partners because (1) she wants to know what sort of person her future partner is and (2) she wants to prove that she's the better retainer than Beruka. Which of course she can't do because (a) Beruka would never compare them like that, nor Camilla and (b) Severa is younger, more hotheaded, and less skilled than her older self, so anything she tries to prove now, she'll probably fail at and will blame on her older self having more experience. This competetive spirit may start as an inferiority complex thing, but with Beruka never really fanning the flames, Severa may eventually calm down about it and just feel more driven to get better on her own/respect Beruka as her partner (sort of like her Cynthia Supports in Awakening, though a little different).

Leo & Owain, I already talked about. Owain will immediately take note of the fact that Leo & Niles are his future lord & partner, which he is very curious about, but once Xander, Camilla, & the other very cool people with melee weapons come into the picture, he's very drawn to them, which makes Leo jealous, lol. Leo dedicates himself to "solving" the deaging issue, using this as an excuse so he doesn't have to spend time around Owain and get compared to his "cooler" siblings. HOWEVER, joke's on him bc the fact he's avoiding Owain means Owain doesn't get the chance to quiz him even more and tell him about how cool Brynhilder is. When this finally happens, Leo feels incredibly foolish for trying to show off for Owain & avoid him in turns. Owain, meanwhile, may or may not have ever picked upon on the fact Leo was feeling weird about him at all (although he will admit he felt nervous around Leo at first bc Pelgian Mage Memories and had to take time to get over that).

Niles is a little hard to consider because I actually think?? He'd be good with young/immature folk when he's genuinely trying to be? (See: Niles's interactions with Elise & Nina). However, he can also be quite cruel to people who don't really deserve it (See: Mozu C & B supports) despite having a motto of only insulting "people who deserve it," (Peri Support). So!! I think Niles's interactions with Owain ultimately come down to how well he respects Odin/how good their relationship was. If they were besties when Odin gets deaged, then I don't think Niles will purposely try to make Owain feel bad, though a lot of what he says with metaphors & double meanings will probably go over Owain's head anyway. I also don't know if he'd purposely go digging for information or not?? Depending on how much he feels asking would be a betrayal to Odin's trust vs his own curiosity and all the hints Owain doesn't realize not to drop?? I think Owain would really determine what Niles does or doesn't learn about him. They have the potential to have a really good talk where Owain talks about his parents' deaths and the struggles he & the kids are going through and Niels talking about his own life on the streets. (BTW, despite Owain literally going through a war & both parent death, I think he might think Niles has the worse situation bc he's never known parental love at all, which baffles Niles).

Similar to Leo, I think Owain would be really cautious around Niles at first, both because he's an intimidating sort and because he takes cues from how everyone acts around Niles too. But!! Also just like Leo, if his future self trusted them, obviously that means something, right? So he'd approach Niles a bit more after a few days of settling in.

Niles & Owain's interactions are really hard to imagine because they depend on so many factors that I haven't decided upon! But hopefully the other ones make sense, lol

Thanks for asking!

#my text #asks #my fic #queue #fe14

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luvlyrv · 3 years

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The Fleeting Image of You | Wendy x Fem!Reader

Genre: angst and fluff

Summary: Your world was falling apart at the seams, until a mysterious girl fell into your life. Then, you began to fall for her.

Word Count: 3.5k

A/N: First time I’ve written something with the intention of making you cry. Please tell me if you cried, or if it at least made you sad. That’d be pretty epic. Is it mean of me to say that?

Also, I apologize for taking so long to upload something... I’ve been flooded with work lately and school is just getting way more stressful now :/ I have some stuff lined up for ‘Naughty’ and ‘Our Songs’ btw! Just have to finish.

Date: 2/2/21

You sigh as you sit down in your favorite corner of the library. You set your stuff down, making it known that you'd taken the seat, and stood back up to begin scouring for something new to read.

Spending your time in the quiet and tranquil local library had become a new favorite past-time of yours. It was strange, you thought, how lonely you felt recently. You couldn't help but find yourself disconnected from the majority of the world, a cloud of sadness following you everywhere. No matter how much you tried it felt like you couldn't bother to reach out. Yet, when it came to the library the loneliness exhibited here was not something awful, but rather something chased after. Something you can find comfort in.

You stop in front of a shelf as you reach out for a book with a maroon cover. It seemed to be on the older side. You gently grazed the spine of the book, enjoying the rougher texture it had. You pull it out of the shelf, only to be surprised that it had no writing on either side of the book. Perhaps the title and author would be written in the first page.

You open up the book to look inside. Instead of any text, the first page was a beautiful ink illustration. It seemed to be a design of a mirror. You trace the image and upon closer inspection, it didn't look printed on. It was as if someone drew it in the pages by their self. Maybe someone left their sketchbook here? Or perhaps this was just a strange, unlabeled picture book?

Intrigued by the illustration, you go back to your seat to sit down and flip through the other pages. After the mirror, there was an image of a girl, and after that an image of another girl. You smile a bit, finding the images cute. Especially the one of the second girl, who seemed to share the same hair length and style as you. While in the middle of admiring the art in front of you, you felt a presence. You turn your head up, only for the sight to make your breath hitch as a beautiful woman stood beside you. The stranger was also seemingly enchanted by the book in your hands.

"H-hi" You say softly, mesmerized by how soft her brown hair looked as it cascaded around her face. Her eyes that were scanning the book moved to look into yours. You felt your mouth dry up.

"Hey, I was just wondering if it was okay for me to sit at this table next to you?" The voice that left her mouth was laced with a friendly confidence. You quickly looked around the rest of the library, noticing the overwhelming amount of empty tables. You decide to not question it though, because why would you deny the company of someone like her?

"Sure." You nod as you answer, she flashes you a smile and sits across from you. She tugs at the bookbag she has around her body to open it, pulling out a thick book. You look back at your own book, but you can't seem to focus anymore. You flip the page to try and look busy, but you don't really pay attention to what's on the paper anymore. Your eyes glance back and forth from your book to the woman, who's now peacefully reading.

It takes time for the courage inside of you to build up, and you're afraid of disturbing her, but you felt like you had to say something.

"So… " You begin speaking. The stranger's head perks up as she gives you her attention. "What's your name?"

"Oh I'm sorry!" She laughs a little bit, the noise is akin to a sweet melodic bell. "I never introduced myself. You can call me Seungwan, and you?" You notice that Seungwan slips a bookmark into her book and gently closes her book. It seems like she's giving you her full attention, a feeling you haven't felt in a while. You smile before you talk.

"I'm Y/N, nice to meet you. What brings you here today?" You start playing with your hands underneath the table as the nerves begin to truly settle in.

And that's how it all started.

For the past couple of weeks your mood had been brightening significantly. Before, it was hard to get out of bed for the day to attend your classes. It was hard to even pick up your phone and reply to the very few messages you got. Most of them being from Yeri, the only person you'd consider a real-friend who occasionally checked in on you. Yet lately you found yourself hopping out of bed, excited with the prospect of wrapping up your day quickly to head to the library as soon as possible.

You now officially considered the library to be your second home. Instead of working at your desk you could work in the quiet library, surrounded by the smell of books and coffee and most importantly, Seungwan. As the two of you grew more familiar with each other Seungwan seemed to have a paradoxical effect on you.

The way her eyes stared into yours, all her little mannerisms, they would make you struggle to continue speaking coherently. At the same time though, her sitting across from you, quietly humming, made you feel at peace.

You wouldn't mind spending everyday like this, an evening filled with library-talk with Seungwan. It wouldn't hurt to switch it up a little though. So, when Seungwan finally came over to your little nook in the library, you excitedly jumped from your seat.

"Seungwan! How about we go do something fun?" You haven't even put your things down, expecting her to say yes. Instead she decided to tease you a bit first.

"Oh, is this not fun enough for you?" She plasters on an exaggeratedly hurt face and you punch her arm softly.

"You know I don't mean it like that. How about we go somewhere else for once?" You lean closer to her and tug on the sleeve of her cardigan to beg, and she quickly sighs in defeat.

"Let's go to a karaoke place then." She casually suggests. Meanwhile you start to panic, because god what if you embarrassed yourself in front of her?

"Well, uhm! I'm not too sure about that, how about we-"

"You're the one who's begging me to go out, so I'm picking where!" There's a playful tone in her voice as she immediately turns away from you, heading outside the library. You quickly follow her and decide not to worry too much about your singing skills.

When you arrive to the karaoke place and are ushered into your own room with Seungwan, you start to get nervous. She doesn't fail to notice the way your wiped your hands on your thighs as she hands you a microphone.

"Are you nervous?" She asks as she grabs a microphone for herself. She steps over towards you and sits down on the plush couch next to you.

"No. Maybe. Just a little." There's a pause before you admit your true feelings. "Yes, a lot." The both of you laugh at your comment before Seungwan gives you a friendly nudge.

"I won't judge! I promise you, just don't worry about it and we'll have fun tonight." She stands up and selects the first song for the evening.

If you didn't say that what you heard was angelic, you would be the world's biggest liar. You couldn't help but feel like the luckiest person in the world. It was as if an angel held a private concert just for you. Or perhaps, if sirens were real, this would be what they sounded like. Regardless of what you can compare it to, it was a special sound you wanted to treasure forever.

"I'm not sure how I could top that." You laugh after she finishes. She shakes her head before talking to you.

"Who said anything about being on top? Just have fun!" Then she drags you to go over and choose a song to sing.

You're nervous, you really are, but you decide to trust in Seungwan's words and give an honest performance. You pushed away your worries as you tried to enjoy yourself. By the end of the night, her promise came true. The many duets and solos you guys shared strained your throat, but it was a pain that was worth it.

Before the time in your room ran out Seungwan decided on singing one last song. You gave her some cheers as the song started playing, giving her some not needed (but hopefully appreciated) encouragement. After several seconds she finally started singing. Once again you found yourself feeling like you were on cloud nine solely from her voice.

It took a while for you to snap out in the trance-like state you entered, but once you did you truly appreciated the lyrics that your friend was singing.

"Do you think of me when you open your eyes in the morning? So you think of me when you see something nice? Do you laugh alone out of the blue like I do?"

It's a slow song, a soft song, a song filled with love and affection. It felt like her voice was built for something like this. As you listen to the lyrics heat begins to spread on your face. It felt like recently you've been asking the same questions to yourself about a certain person.

"Tell me is this the first time? Have you fallen for me as much as I have fallen for you?"

Maybe it was the intense desire in your heart that was playing tricks on your eyes, but it seemed like Seungwan's eyes kept looking between you and the screen more than usual. That there was a flicker of something within her welcoming brown eyes. Your heart is pounding too fast now. It threatened to beat out of your chest as your heartbeat filled your ears, becoming louder than the music itself.

"I want to know everything, if my heart has grown deeper than yours like a fool."

Certainly those lingering glances meant nothing. You ignore your feelings as you try to calm yourself down. When the song ended your time at the karaoke room was over. You complimented Seungwan before thanking her for her time. After promising each other to go out for karaoke another time, the two of you went your separate ways home satisfied with the fun night out.

When you got home, you pulled out a familiar maroon book before laying on your bed. You never properly checked it out. Mostly because it didn't even seem like a library book, judging by the fact that it had no stamps nor barcodes. You assumed that not many people were picking it up anyways, and so once you had your time with the book you'd carefully place it back where you found it.

It was odd that you wanted to keep the book so much, but that was due to how strangely comforting it was. Every once in a while you would pull it out again, only to admire it and its wordless contents. Besides the first few pages, every illustration had two girls together. Maybe those two girls were just friends, but in your mind you liked to imagine them as lovers. Your favorite illustration of it all was one towards the end. On the final pages there were illustrations of a night sky speckled with stars, the girls looking out to the sea.

You sigh before putting the book down and turning off the light. Closing your eyes you wonder, is that something you'd like to experience?

It's been a couple months now. You've spent a considerable amount of time hanging out with Seungwan, as well as a considerable amount of time gushing about her to Yeri. You never explicitly said you liked her, but you certainly didn't hold back on telling your friend every trait you admired about Seungwan.

These days, you and Seungwan would meet up in the library and sometimes stay there for a calm and quiet experience. Other times the two of you would be more inclined to have fun walking around downtown, going to karaoke, or enjoying the bustling energy of a café while drinking coffee.

Today was one of the days where Seungwan suggested to head over to get some coffee. Of course you agreed, as you decided long ago that anywhere Seungwan went you'd want to go too. Not surprised by your easy yes the two of you head out to your typical coffee place.

While in the middle of sipping on coffee Seungwan turns to the side. She rustles through her handbag to pull out two bracelets. She held onto the one with your name on it, while slightly bringing forward the one bearing her name. You stop drinking your beverage as you took a closer look at the bracelet resting in her hand.

It was a simple bracelet made with a dark string running through some beads. You appreciated the cute minimalism of it all. The beads were blue, and after spelling out her name there was a final bead that had a heart on it. You slowly reach out for the bracelet and wear it, admiring the way it felt and looked on your wrist.

You look at Seungwan's wrist as she also adorns the accessory. After your name was also a bead with a heart, and you can't help but to ask why she suddenly gave you such a gift anyways.

"Well… " She begins to look away, perhaps a bit nervously? When looking back at you she quickly looks back down. Unable to hold eye contact she explains herself anyways. "I thought it'd be a nice way to signify our connection. To keep us tied to each other." There's a moment of silence after she says this. You can't possibly control your heart, your mind, your feelings. Could this mean what you wanted it to mean?

"What kind of connection?"

"Whatever kind you want." The words come out a whisper as Seungwan finally looks back at you. Was this an opening? Did she mean what you thought she meant? You let your hand cautiously approach hers. She doesn't back away and let's you take it.

"Can I kiss you?" Your face is fire-hot as you ask, but now more than ever you wanted to. She leans in, and there was the first kiss you shared.

It was short, but it didn't need to be long. When your lips made contact it gave you a feeling of being weightless, yet at the same time it was enough to ground you into reality. This was it. It was really happening.

It had only been a few short weeks since you and Seungwan started dating. The two of you never said so aloud, but you both knew. She knew by the way you didn't shy to touch and be close with her more than before. You knew by the way she smiled and looked into your eyes. Sometimes when you like someone enough, you don't have to say it to understand.

Today when meeting up at the library Wendy took you out to eat at a nice restaurant. After enjoying dinner together she said she had something important to show you, curiously you followed her as the two of you eventually arrived at the boardwalk.

Since eating dinner took a while, it was now night. The bright white stars speckled the dark blue sky, while the inky black sea reflected the moon and the streetlights. Seungwan takes your hand, casually walking down the boardwalk with you while taking in the sights. You hum while enjoying the feeling of her hand in yours.

"Is this the important thing you wanted to show me?" You ask.

"I just wanted you to appreciate how beautiful the world can be sometimes, how beautiful living is." She says and looks at you. She gives you a smile. The kind of smile that told you that a person was content with life.

At one point Seungwan stops and leans over the railing, staring out to the sea. You lean over the railing right beside her. You spend some time admiring the sea, but you would rather turn and look at Seungwan. As you look at her she's still facing forward. Then she asks you a question you weren't expecting.

"Do I make you happy?" You would like to believe it's a rhetorical question, but she says it with a straight face.

"Of course you do, silly." You reply, scooting closer to her body to warm your own up. She smiles a bit at your answer before looking at you. There's a pause before she continues questioning you.

"Does anything else?"

"I don't know. Anything can be good as long as it's with you." You answer honestly, but Seungwan seems displeased. With a slight frown on her face and a glint of worry in her eyes she begins to hug you.

"I hope one day, Y/N, you realize you aren't alone." She says as she strokes your hair, tightening the embrace between the two of you.

"I won't be as long as I have you." You whisper into the crook of her neck. A moment of silence passes before she sighs and whispers.

"I wish you didn't rely on me so much."

"Why?"

She breaks the embrace and you begin to miss the warmth until she takes your face with her two hands. She looks at you with a longing you never saw before. Her eyes were watery as she gently confessed.

"Because I don't know how much longer we have together." You almost ask her to explain what she meant before she softly placed a kiss on your lips.

You wake up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily as you look around your room. Just a moment ago you were by the sea with Seungwan, and now you were back in your room. You flopped in your bed in frustration that you dreamed up a scenario with her. You calmed down though, knowing that you could visit her again later today.

After attending your classes for the day you excitedly made your way to the library. You walked towards the little corner of the library that you and Seungwan always shared, surprised to see that nobody was there. You sat down at the table anyways, opening up your bag and trying to immerse yourself in a book. Your foot tapped and tapped, the words your eyes saw across the page meaning nothing to you. It had only been 10 minutes, but it felt like forever.

Annoyed at her absence, you walked around searching for her, thinking maybe she was hiding and playing a trick on you. You whispered her name as you peeked your head around corners, going up and down in the aisles between selves. Fed up with searching, you went to a familiar librarian and asked if she'd seen Seungwan yet.

"I'm sorry Y/N, but who's Seungwan?" She said with a confused look on her face. You gave her a confused face back, shocked that a woman who had recommended books for the both of you to read, a woman who had watched your blossoming relationship with Seungwan progress, act like she didn't exist. You scoff and laugh it off.

"Sorry for asking." You say in a slightly sarcastic manner and go to pick up your bag. You reckon that Seungwan made her play along with her joke. You'd have to scold her for messing with you so bad later today.

You're bored and you don't know how to spend your time with Seungwan. As you walk down the familiar path, looking out to the sea, you grab your phone and decide to call Yeri.

"Yerim!" You call out as soon as you hear her answer the phone.

"Yeah, what's up Y/N?" She asks you.

"I'm bored and have some time to kill since Seungwan isn't here today. Do you wanna grab something to eat?" There's a silence on her end for a while.

"Sure, where do you wanna meet up?" She asks, but before you can answer she gives you another question. "Also, who's Seungwan? Is this a new friend you made? You should introduce me to them!" Your mouth feels dry all of a sudden and you don't know what to say. You stammer out a response for Yeri.

"Uh, just meet me at the boardwalk. I'll be waiting here." Before Yeri can say anything else you end the call. You bite your tongue in frustration. Did Seungwan make Yeri play in on this too? Despite all the reasoning you tried to do, a deep, unsettling feeling took over your entire body.

When Yeri arrived, you smiled and went about your day with her. Throughout the day Yeri noticed that something was off about you. You kept zoning out and were unable to really hold a conversation. As frustrated as she was with your lack of engagement, she figured you were working through things and didn't question you about it. Later that night she dropped you off at your place and you thanked her. You went back to your room, allowing yourself to putt all your weight on your bed as you stared at the ceiling.

The tears you had been holding all day finally broke through. The hot and salty tears streamed down your face uncontrollably. Had this all just been a cruel joke from your mind? Was it just a dream that lasted too long? Maybe, just maybe, the voice screaming in the back of your head was right the entire time. Seungwan was just too good to be true.

You decide to pull out a book from your nightstand, the book that you found within the bookshelves the day you met her. Thankfully the book was there. Perhaps your memory didn't fail you entirely. When you opened it to the first page though, you were shocked to see nothing. Frantically, you scanned through all the other pages only to see them in the same state. You wanted to question it, but considering what happened earlier today you just couldn't.

All you could do now was cry. Nothing made sense to you. What happened to the person you just kissed mere hours ago? The person who made living bearable again?

Afraid of getting the book wet, you quickly close it and put it away. You raise your hand up to your face as you sniffle. Wiping away the waterfall coming from your eyes, you feel the soft scratches of a string and bead. You pull away to see the bracelet you so distinctly remember putting on snuggly fitting on your wrist. Nothing made sense and you could only come to one conclusion.

She was gone, but not gone from your memory.

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sup-hoes-its-me · 4 years

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Pain II (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: part two of pain. okay, so this one is kinda sad, maybe i made Kakashi seem a little too harsh but thats the story. Hope you guys like. btw, check out my masterlist link I have many other fanfics for Naruto.

word count: 4500~

Part One/Part Two

Kakashi and I stood at the gates of the village after our mission. The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Tsunade had said to me. Kakashi and I were soulmates. After all this time, I finally knew who my soulmate was; a friend, a fellow shinobi, and most importantly, my long time hero.

I would be lying if I said I never felt something more than friendship for the man.

Even though we have been friends for long over 10 years, I felt almost awestruck on this mission, always watching him out of the corner of my eye, getting flustered when he would compliment me on my jutsu, feeling almost exposed underneath my fishnets and bandages.

I’ve always felt something special with Kakashi, but this was beyond my belief. I practically burst at the seams from being so excited and ecstatic.

But that feeling wouldn’t last for long.

He stopped just before the gates and sighed, turning to look at me. His hands were deep in his pants pockets as he stared deep in thought, seemingly exhausted, at me. I blinked. “Everything okay, Kakashi?” I asked tentatively, raising a brow.

“Y/N, you were acting erratic and strange the entire mission,” he said. “What’s up?”

I bit my lip and my eyes shifted to stare at the pebbles in the dirt. “I don’t know what you mean. I thought I did a good job…” He has complimented me many times, and I saved him more than once from an enemy in combat.

He exhaled, propping himself up on one leg. “It’s not that you didn’t do a good job. You just weren’t yourself. Is everything okay?” he asked, and for a moment, I actually believed he was concerned for me. My heart fluttered, and I found my breath getting shallower with every second.

Was this the right time? Really, was any time different from the rest? The words would be the same, the marks would always be the same.

“It’s just that Tsunade told me something right before we went on the mission. It’s been on my mind since then,” I told him, albeit very hesitant. I guess this was the moment that would make my life complete. I always fantasized about meeting my soulmate, but now it was real.

First I would tell him that I knew. We would check our marks to compare them, and realize they match. We then would confess we have both felt the connection for a long time, and hug each other and he would say he loves me and I love him and kiss and hug and go back to the village to tell everyone the good news.

That was the plan anyway.

“We are soulmates. When I was in the infirmary last week, she saw my mark and said it matches yours,” I smiled and told him, my cheeks no doubt turning red from all the heat, and my lips curling into the most excited smile.

Only Kakashi didn’t smile.

“I’ve known we were soulmates since our last mission together.”

“That was weeks ago…why-why didn’t you tell me? If you knew wouldn’t you be excited to-”

“No. There was obviously a reason why I didn’t tell you,” he told me, shifting once again on his feet. “Sometimes, soulmates aren’t meant to be Y/N.” He seemed almost pained as he said those words, closing his eyes and lowering his voice. My heart started to race, and suddenly I felt all the weight of my fear and hopelessness sink down onto me.

I was upset, crushed, hurt, and betrayed. My stomach was rolling, tightening in knots until I felt like I would throw up.

“How could you do this to me?”

“Y/N, there are other people in the world.” That was all he said. I could feel his gaze on me, his eye digging into my skin.

I clenched my fists by my sides, and sucked in all my pride for a moment. I felt absolutely pathetic. So angry with myself for getting caught up in a man as closed off as him. For letting myself get invested and then thrown into the dirt like garbage.

Tears threatened to spill over, and I felt that painful lump growing in my throat, taunting me. Stupid, bitch, just cry. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you anymore.

“If you knew that we were soulmates, why wouldn’t you say something?” I asked, tears in the corners of my eyes. I angrily wiped them away, refusing to look him in the eyes as I stared at the ground. “I wasted all this fucking time looking for my soulmate when I could have been free from wondering and questioning everything if I knew this is how you felt about me. I remained loyal to you, Kakashi. I put my all into the hopes of meeting you, the one person I’ve staked my life on, only to be rejected and ignored, to not be wanted?”

I sobbed into my palm, a scream building up in my throat. When he said nothing, maybe because he didn’t care, I couldn’t hold myself in any longer. I cried into the air, clutching tightly at my chest and squeezing my eyes shut.

“You disgust me, Kakashi Hatake,” I yelled at him. “You might be a great shinobi, but you lack humanity.”

“Listen, Y/N, I know what I did is wrong, but you don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what? That you are depriving me of my destiny? That you just single-handedly ruined my entire life?”

“If you would stop talking and let me speak, you would know,” he said firmly, staring directly at my weak figure. He didn’t seem to care about the tears running furiously down my cheeks and the way my hands and knees trembled. “I don’t love you. I never have, and unfortunately, I never will.”

To say my already damaged heart broke in that moment was an understatement. That confession was more painful than any fight I have ever been in. The color fled from my cheeks to the point where I felt cold and empty. I froze completely, unable to respond, unable to move. All I could do is watch him with wide eyes, tears still dripping hot down my face.

“I thought it would be easier for you to never know than be rejected,” he finally explained, his eyes hardening on my own. “I’m sorry, but I have to go. If you’d like me to tell Tsunade to cancel our missions together here on forth, I will.”

Out of rage, I grabbed the crystal that hung around my neck, yanking off of me with all the strength I could muster in my pathetic state. The snap stung the back of my neck, but it didn’t matter. Nothing hurt as badly as his cruel words.

“Take your shit necklace, and stay the fuck away from me.” I threw the crystal at his chest, and he caught it. His eyes fell, and for a moment, he almost looked regretful, saddened even. “Give it to someone you actually give a fuck about.”

He silently tucked the charm into his pocket.

It seemed that was it for us.

After looking into my eyes one more time, seeing how broken and the spirit I held had left my body, he sighed deeply. His hands clenched into fists by his sides multiple times, tensing over and over again. For an incredulous second, I wondered if he was going to hit me. But he never did.

He nodded, and with that, set off towards the village.

I waited for a while as I sank to my knees, just sitting on the ground crying into my palms. My stomach hurt so badly, and eventually, I emptied my stomach onto the ground beside me. I just cried harder, choking on my own saliva and the air that I was hurriedly breathing in.

It was so hard to remain strong in the face of capricious invasion of my heart.

My entire world just fell apart right in front of me. The man I was supposed to be with was only cruel and disgusted towards me, pushing me to the brink of tears and heartbreak and then abandoning me. I was so fucking stupid. How could I bring myself to trust someone like him? He seemed kind, but everyone has their rough moments, those they hide from others until the most bitter of times.

I stood up shakily off the ground when I didn’t feel like I was going to die anymore. I walked into the village, keeping my head down so no one would see my tears. People looked at me, and a few even asked where Kakashi was, since we were supposed to be coming home together from our mission. Those shinobi only made me walk faster, heading right to the training grounds.

Gai stood with his team as they trained a while away. I sniffled as I approached him, and he turned his head to find me, pitiful with blotchy eyes and cheeks and dirt all over me.

“Y/N! What has happened? You look injured!” He exclaimed, acting quick to hold my shoulders with his firm hands. I only sobbed at the sound of his voice and his concern for me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and walked me over to the bench a few feet away, sitting me down softly and taking a tentative seat beside me.

I worried he would be disgusted by how dirty and messy I was, or how my breath kind of smelled like vomit. But he didn’t care. He was a good man, and my best friend. He just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and leaned down to look at my face.

“What’s wrong, my little Y/N?”

I took a few seconds to catch my breath and pause my crying before saying anything. “Remember how I told you Kakashi and I are soulmates, and I-I said I would tell him soon?” I asked, and he nodded. “When I told him, he rejected me.”

“What do you mean? How could he-”

“He said that he never loved me and would never be able to,” I cried once again, tucking my face into my hands. “He said that he’s known for weeks and didn’t say anything. He said that he would make sure we never work together again, and then left me all alone by the gates and-and, Gai, he broke my heart.”

I placed a hand over my heart and winced. I never realized that heartbreak hurt this terribly.

“I-I, Y/N, I don’t know what to say. I’ve never heard of this happening before. Someone rejecting their soulmate, that’s awful. Your heart break must be unimaginable.” I wasn’t offended by his lack of words, in fact, I expected it. What is someone supposed to say? The only thing you can try to do is sympathize and comfort.

He hugged me tightly to his side.

“He’s your friend…Hasn’t he said anything to you before? Has he talked badly about me?”

“No, definitely not. Usually, he speaks so highly of you. He’s even requested you two have more missions together. I-I really don’t know why he did this.”

I hugged him too, wrapping my arms around his side and squeezing weakly. My tears dripped into his sleeve, not that he minded.

“It will be okay, Y/N. You have many friends to help you get through this,” he assured me, rubbing my back soothingly. “I will have Lee run your errands for you, and help you around town until you are feeling better, yes?”

I nodded.

We sat there for some amount of time, me just crying into his shoulder, and him continuing to reassure me that everything was okay, that my youth wasn’t wasted, and that I would work through this. His students rushed over after they were done their exercise, probably the moment they noticed their sensei wasn’t where they last saw him.

But I really didn’t want too many people knowing about this. It was embarrassing, and it was crazy that I even found it in myself to trust Gai, much less a bunch of teenagers.

“It is okay, my students! Y/N has had a rough day and because of this, Lee, I have a training task for you!” Gai told them in his usual, bold tone. I appreciated the effort he took to protect my secrecy as well as help me.

“Yes, sensei?” the boy replied obediently.

“Follow Y/N around today to make sure she is safe and help her with her errands. This mission is especially important to me, so do not fail me, my pupil!” Lee nodded firmly.

“Is everything okay, Y/N-sensei? You look like you’ve been crying,” Tenten asked me, but I only shook my head and Gai waved his hand dismissively.

“No questions. This is a matter between jounin, now back to training.”

There was nothing I could do now. Just sit here and cry, and the hopelessness of it all made me feel ten times worse. But life goes on

______________________________________

It was later in the day, around 6 when Gai knocked on the door to his dear rival’s apartment. After a minute, there was an answer, the copy-nin in his simple clothes and mask, tired from a long day of business and training with the team. He knew what was coming, it was all in his eyes which dulled under the guilt and shame.

“Gai, what’s up?”

“You and I both know what’s up, Kakashi.” The man leaned on his door frame heavily, letting out a deep sigh. He knew this was coming. “How could you do that to her? Kakashi, we’ve talked about this before; I just can’t understand what you’re trying to do.”

“You and I both know Y/N doesn’t need someone like me in her life,” Kakashi sighed, covering his eyes with his hand. “She’s a kind and sweet woman, and I’m a killer and definitely not a lover.”

“Do you really think Y/N cares? Ever since you saved her during the 3rd shinobi war, she never stops talking about you. She’s spent years trying to get to know you, and finally when she feels comfortable enough, you just throw all that effort away. She trained extremely hard to even be close to your level so you could be on missions together, she asks me almost every day for old stories about you and I as children because she is just so desperate to know you.”

“You think I don’t know that, Gai?! Fuck, I’ve tried to keep myself away from her but I can’t stop going back! This fucking soul mark makes me feel like I’m going crazy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I never want to leave her alone. It’s like I need to know everything about her. Hell, I don’t know what her favorite color is or her favorite song and it’s literally killing me. I never stop thinking about her when we aren’t together, and I’m going insane.”

Gai stared at his rival with wide eyes, mouth just agape. He never knew that. Sure, he knew his friend was close to the girl, and talked to her quite often, but he didn’t know it consumed him like this. How it must have felt for Y/N this whole time as well. “For how long?” he asked.

Kakashi groaned. “Since we are kids. Since the first time I ever saw her, I haven’t been able to think straight.”

“Why did you never tell her? She’s been waiting for you too, Kakashi,” Gai questioned. “You are wasting your youth, my friend. Spend the years you have left with the woman you are meant to be with.”

The masked man banged his fist on the door, frustration boiling off his skin. No one was listening to him. “She is not meant to be with me. Whoever put these marks, made a mistake. I told you, I’m not going to burden her like that.”

“You’re hurting her a lot more by distancing yourself.”

“Gai, you don’t get it. No one gets it. Everyone I have ever loved has died. I barely have anyone in my life, and the less people the better. I’m not going to pull her into my messy life. No one deserves that.”

Gai rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in the air dramatically. How could Kakashi be so stupid and selfish? Sure, his life sucked, it was pretty fucking miserable growing up. But now he has friends; he has Gai, Naruto, Sakura, and a ton of shinobi who care about him as much as their own people.

“Love is unconditional. If she is really your soulmate, she will help you through your problems, not feel burdened by them,” he explained. “Just give the girl a chance. She deserves happiness just as much as anyone else.”

“Gai-”

“No. You love her, and I’m not just gonna stand around while you ruin both your lives. You’re the one being selfish. You’re killing this girl, and you act like it’s completely okay.”

“Gai, I will deal with it, alright?” Gai raised a brow accusingly, and Kakashi groaned again, further irritated. “I’ll apologize to Y/N. Happy?” Again, another brow raise. ‘I’ll do it, now just leave. Go train or something.”

With that, he shut the door and Gai went on his way to do a few more laps around the village before settling down for a night’s rest. He felt bad for confronting his friend, but they both knew it had to be done. Honestly, Kakashi felt terrible for what he had done, but when hasn’t he felt like a complete screw-up? He felt responsible for so many lives, and to accept Y/N’s as one of his own, he would have to face that fact that she might die. That shinobi die in battle every single day, and just like everyone else, she could fall victim too.

He didn’t know how to do this.

_________________________________

Lee followed me around for the rest of the day, and even into the next day. I got groceries for my apartment since I was away for a week, and he carried my groceries. He walked me to the laundromat carrying my clothes. We organized my ninja tools. I got my wounds from the mission fixed up in the infirmary. Anything to get my mind off what happened. Not that it helped.

Nothing seemed to help. Even with my own personal assistant to do my bidding, I was broken up and felt so defenseless. I stayed in my house all alone for five days after that, just so I didn’t have to risk running into him.

I only decided to venture out to get some fresh air and calm myself down. Peace and quiet outside in the nice weather would surely cheer me up. The walk around the village was quiet and somber. I tried to focus on something else like the sound of my feet on the ground or the wind blowing past my ears, but really the only thing on my mind was Kakashi. His face, and the way he looked at me as he told me he never loved me, never cared about me. I walked about a block before I had to stop to catch my breath. My lungs were squeezing tightly in my chest as I thought about the man. I was reasonably upset, and once again felt like crying.

All I wanted to do was cry, but there was too much work to do. I would probably be assigned another mission soon, most definitely not with Kakashi, but instead some other shinobi I didn’t know. At least Kakashi was unique and I wouldn’t be reminded of him in any other ninja.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t even have a nice walk alone without being painfully interrupted.

“Y/N, what’s up?! Haven’t seen you in weeks!” Naruto… and he just happened to be with Sakura and the man I was trying to take my mind off. I waved to him very nervously, and he rushed up to me, his smile bright like the sun and his eyes filled with enthusiasm. It was actually a bit overwhelming, the contrast between us. “How are you doing?”

“Naruto, how about we keep going? We have work to-”

“Come on, Kakashi-sensei! I haven’t seen Y/N in like 3 weeks because you guys went on that long mission and then when you came back home, she was in the infirmary for a week, right?” Naruto whined. I was confused though. I wasn’t in the infirmary for a week, instead in my house for a while crying my eyes out. Kakashi must have told people who asked about me that to avoid embarrassment and prying eyes.

Kakashi sighed his eyes downcast so they didn’t have to reach mine. I couldn’t help but look at him, and it brought all my feelings back on. My chest tightened up and I rubbed my knuckles anxiously. After a week of crying, there was nothing left but pain and anxiety. I think the medical nin with them noticed this because Sakura quickly snatched up Naruto’s wrist to pull him away from me.

“Naruto, why don’t we hang out with Y/N another time? I’m really excited for our sparring match after all,” she chimed in, and no doubt she was pinching the boy on the arm to help him get the hint. He yelped, but nodded like a little puppy.

“Sorry for bothering you, Y/N! Maybe we can go get ramen sometime soon! We all miss you!” That cheered me up just a little bit, that the kids missed me. At this point I felt like some useless piece of shit. Gai only cared about me because he was too noble to leave me stranded. Kakashi, who I thought had a connection with me didn’t actually care at all.

Kakashi didn’t follow.

“Mind taking a walk with me?”

“After what you said to me, no fucking way,” I told him, but my heart told me to. I was away for him for too long, and it was making me go crazy. Just seeing his face made me have an intense emotional reaction.

“Y/N, we really should talk about this.”

Of course he wanted to talk. Probably to clear his own conscience. I bit my lip and thought for a long moment before mumbling, “Five minutes, and after that I’m never talking to you ever again, Kakashi.” I was weak, yes. If I could actually stand up for myself, I never would have gone on a walk with him, but again I felt so hopeless. I was at the mercy of this selfish man.

All my life, I thought I was stronger than love. That it could never touch me and ruin me. I would be a strong kunoichi until the day I died without any regrets. Yet, the older I got, the more I craved someone’s attention. I would get lost in my thoughts during meetings thinking about someone giving me attention, kisses, hugs, cuddles; touches in the dark under the sheets and sneaky glances in public, inside jokes we would always remember. I guess I wasn’t immune to desire.

Kakashi made me feel special, and I wanted him. He was calm and collected, but his mind and heart ran deeper than anyone could imagine. I wanted everything about him without fault.

I couldn’t help but follow him.

We walked in silence for a minute, and I thought about how he was wasting his five minutes. Really, even if he took longer than that to explain himself, I wouldn’t fight it.

Even though he broke his heart, I still needed to hear him speak and be near him. I was a fool, but so was he.

We stopped under the shade of an old tree, and his eyes rose to stare at the sky. My heart hung onto every second waiting for words to pass from his lips. I was desperate for some substance, a new chapter of the story.

“Please take back the necklace. It was a gift, and I don’t take those back.” He held out the crystal to me. I stared at it angrily, it acting a reminder of the good times we had together when I held a shred of hope that he actually did love me like I loved him.

“I don’t want it anymore.”

“Please, Y/N. You’ve never taken it off since I gave it to you, and it’s protected you up til this point.”

“It didn’t protect me from you crushing my heart into pieces, did it?”

“Just- god, just take it back,” he pleaded as he pushed the charm closer to me. I snatched it back out of his hand and put it into my pocket. I didn’t exactly want it anymore, but it was beautiful, and the memories were too good to forget.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you last week.”

“Kakashi, I can’t forgive you,” I confessed, my eyes stuck on my feet. “I know you’ve never seen it, but I’ve dedicated so much of my life to you, and you never cared.”

“Y/N, that’s what I needed to explain. I do care about you. You’re my soulmate; how can I not?” He paused, and I couldn’t help but scoff. He didn’t care that we were soulmates last week, in fact, he seemed to loathe it with a passion.

“How can I believe you? You already said what you wanted to say.”

He rubbed his face, sighing deeply into his hand. His energy felt broken, torn down and sad, and I could see the way he was guarding himself, and in turn an attempt at his feelings. He was a closed off man, a traumatized, conditioned soldier just like the rest of us. It’s hard to express your feelings sometimes, just wanting to tuck them away forever and maybe they will go away.

But I wanted for him to tell me everything he was feeling. The true and raw emotions behind the mask.

“Y/N, I’ve had a feeling we were soulmates for years, and I’ve tortured myself by never telling you. When I found out, I was amazed. I care about you so much, and it hurts me to even try and ignore you. To leave you all alone to cry in your room for a whole week because of something I said. When Gai told me how hurt you were, it felt like I’d just killed someone. The shame and guilt I felt was almost unbearable.”

“Then why did you say it? Why reject me?”

“Everyone I have ever had to love, anyone who has loved me…I don’t know, they just get hurt, they die, and it’s always my fault. I’ve cared about too many people only for them to leave me.” His words were strong but quiet, and I felt the real Kakashi falling into place. “If I loved you any more than I do now, you would get hurt too. I just can’t-I can’t bear to see you taken away from me too.”

“Oh.”

“If we never spoke again, I could at least be comforted in the fact that you are still alive,” he whispered finally.

I felt my heart start to race, and my hands start to sweat. With the courage to look up at him, I noticed that he never took his eyes off the sky. I touched his arm, and he fell into it. Before I could even say anything, he had wrapped me up in a hug, and set his chin upon my head.

“Y/N, I am so sorry.”

“Kakashi, it’s fine. I just want you to be okay.”

He pulled away for a moment, and finally I got to look into his eyes. He had pushed up his headband a while ago, so I could see the two different colored irises. He was truly handsome, the perfect one for me. Without thinking much, I reached up and pulled down his mask. I squeezed my eyes tightly closed and awkwardly pressed my lips to his.

His hands went to the sides of my face, pulling me closer into his lips. I’d never kissed anyone with this much passion before, so much love between the skin. I could feel how warm he was against me, how strong his hands were, and how powerful our connection truly was.

In his arms…That’s where I always belonged.

#naruto #naruto shippuuden #kakashi #kakashi hakate #kakashi x reader #naruto x reader #reader insert #x reader #kakashi hatake x reader #mine #part two #this is one is a fucking train wreck hope someone can enjoy this dumb ass shit #love kakashi but like i said his character is so fucking difficult #and fuck all the cliches make me want to die omg #kakashi soulmate au #soulmate au

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uncloseted · 4 years

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How Can I Care Less About My Image Like Effy? Less About Impressing Others And More About Just Doing What I Like Without Letting Them Influence Me?

Anonymous said:

So I have some problems with my confidence. I can be confident at times but it lasts for a very short time and I begin analysing every part of myself and find new insecurities. Sometimes it makes me feel really disgusting so any advice?? Thank you for this blog btw

Anonymous said:

Even though there are people who like me I feel like I'm not a likeable person because I'm insecure and this gets in the way of me socialising, having fun and having good relationships with people. How do I stop feeling this way?

Anonymous said:

last night i had the worst breakdown i’ve had in foreve about how ugly i was, every single detail about myself was so prominent and i’ve fallen so deep down this hole where i couldn’t hate myself more. i’m so unattractive andthat’s the only thing that people give a fuck about , relatives, friends, family, employers, it’s consumed my life. sometimes i’ll look in the mirror and like what i see &for that fleeting moment i’m so fucking happy you can’t imagine but then i go back to seeing the truth

Anonymous said:

I hate myself. How do I mask my insecurities and make people think I'm confident and make it look like don't care about what they think?

Anonymous said:

how can i appear more confident?

Anonymous said:

how do i deal with fear of being judged? I'm always so scared that people I've known for a long time will remember embarrassing things I've done and still laugh at me for it

Anonymous said:

I'm so insecure because I care so much what people think, its so bad that I don't even want to leave my house. When I go out with all my friends, almost all of them get complimented somehow and I never do, it might sound selfish or something but it really brings down my self esteem, I start feeling like I'm invisible or that people only hang out with me because they feel bad for me, and it makes me want to stop being social/getting out of the house, etc.

Anonymous said:

I sometimes hate my face so much and I feel so insecure and it's the worst feeling :( I hope I like the way I look one day but it seems so hard.

Anonymous said:

I can’t be confident with myself, I’m a huge ppl pleaser bc it feels like is the only way to keep them around, and I guess that’s ok but what frustrastes me the most is the fact that ppl don’t see me or my personality, it’s like I’m just there to help them out, to be their side kick... whenever I try to be confident I cringe at myself... How can I feel more secure with myself?

More than any other question, the thing I get asked most is how to build self-confidence, overcome insecurities, and deal with the fear of being judged. In this post, I’m going to put every tip and trick I know about becoming confident, no matter who you are and the situation you’re in.

The first thing to remember about confidence is that people aren’t drawn to people because they’re beautiful, or smart, or kind, or fun, or interesting. People are drawn to people who are confident. If you’re confident and weird, you’re not weird, you’re a visionary. If you’re confident and ugly, you’re not ugly, you’re “unconventionally beautiful” or a trendsetter. If you’re confident and overly serious, you’re not boring, you’re a leader. A lot of people think it’s the other way around- that only beautiful, smart, charming people who are well-liked can be confident- but it’s not true. To use a Skins example, Tony’s not a good person. He’s manipulative and cruel. But people like him (at least in the beginning) and go along with what he says because he’s confident. The same goes for Katie. You can argue about whether she’s objectively the most attractive girl in the group, but she acts confident in herself and in her appearance, and it works. Lots of guys are attracted to her. So that’s the first thing- don’t focus on changing yourself (physically or emotionally) in the hopes that you’ll be more confident. Instead, focus on changing your mindset to that of a confident person. It will make a huge difference.

Of course, that’s all easier said than done, and the process of building self confidence can take a while. In the meantime, while you’re on the journey of actually becoming confident, one thing that can help is “faking it until you make it”. When you’re going about your day, ask yourself, “how would a confident person who’s never experienced insecurity or anxiety handle this situation”? Then do what a confident person would do. If you have a really confident friend, it can help to imagine what they would do in a given situation and then do that. Pretend everyone you meet already loves you and thinks you’re great. Pretend like you think you’re great. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll start getting used to it and the “confident” responses to things will start feeling normal. One thing that can make this a little bit easier is to talk to yourself in the second person. By saying things like “you’ve got this”, your brain will (sort of) feel like you’re receiving advice from somebody else, which is more motivating than getting advice from ourselves.

There are also some exercises you can use to build your self confidence on your own. Some of you have heard this one before, so bare with me, but the first thing I suggest is: every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself. I know you probably feel like you can’t find any, but try. Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things. Write them down, either physically (on a sticky note on your mirror, maybe) or in your phone. Each day, try to add a new thing to the list. When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them. When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well. I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative. These don’t have to just be things that are physical. You should include things you like about your personality as well.

I mentioned this trick the other day, but I want to put it here as well. A lot of people who are insecure use deprecating humor to cope and as a bid to get other people to like them. But I think that can be really emotionally damaging. Like Hannah Gadsby said in Nanette, “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor, and I don’t want to do that anymore..do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.” Self-deprecation impacts our self-esteem, and it impacts the way people around us view us. The more times we say something, even as a joke, the more we start to believe it, and the more the people around us start to believe it. So instead, make fun of yourself by pretending you’re really, really cocky. If you trip and fall, instead of saying, “I’m such a disaster”, replace it with “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”. If you make a piece of art and you think it sucks, say, “Obviously I’m the next Di Vinci/Michelangelo/whatever.” If you say something dumb, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid,” say, “I’m clearly the next Einstein.” You still get to make a joke and diffuse any awkwardness the situation has, but you also get practice saying nice things about yourself. And eventually, you’ll get so used to saying nice things about yourself as a joke that it won’t feel so weird to say those things about yourself in a serious way, too.

For those people who feel insecure about things they did in their past, try and think of something embarrassing one of your friends has done. Can you think of anything? The vast majority of people remember their own embarrassing moments really vividly, but don’t remember things other people have done at all. Reminding yourself that you’re probably the only one who remembers or cares about the mistake you made can help you let go. The mistakes you’ve made in the past are learning experiences that you’ve grown from and changed from, and the fact that you’re embarrassed by them is a good thing. It means that you’re not that person anymore- that you’ve become someone better. I think that’s something to celebrate instead of something to cringe at. It can also help to talk to yourself as if you were a friend who’s remembering an embarrassing moment. Would you tell them how embarrassing that moment was and how much they suck? Probably not. You’d be nice to them and tell them things will be okay. Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

The fact that people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing doesn’t just apply to cringey things you did in your past. People are unlikely to remember that one time you tried a new hairstyle or wore an unusual piece of clothing. They’re unlikely to remember that one time you asked someone out and they rejected you. So many of the social pressures we feel can be remedied by remembering that most people are way too worried about what they’re doing and how they appear to the world to care about what you’re doing.

One more piece of advice- stop comparing yourself to other people. The old adage, “comparison is the thief of joy” is totally, scientifically proven to be true. Comparing ourselves to other people (or to TV shows, movies, characters in books, etc) makes us much less happy because we’re comparing everything we know about ourselves, good and bad, with a curated version of this person. We don’t see them when they wake up in the morning with crusty eyes and frizzy hair, or when they have the flu, or when they’re overwhelmed and anxious and lashing out at the people around them. But the truth is that everyone, even the people you think have perfect lives that you see on social media, are just people. They have bad habits and negative traits and days where they’re not at their best, just like the rest of us. If you really want to start being confident, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to mute or unfollow the people who make you feel insecure online, and replace them with people who inspire you- artists or activists or cute videos of animals, whatever works. You’ll never be able to feel good about yourself if you’re constantly tracking all the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up. But you will if you’re constantly seeing all the ways in which you do.

Last thing. Basic life care stuff, like good posture, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, meditating, and just generally practicing self-care and taking care of yourself can improve your confidence as well. If you’re not starting on a strong foundation, it’s hard to build anything that will last. But if your foundation is solid, all of the things you do to build your self-confidence on top of that will be, too.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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berkblockman · 5 years

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Keep going // Barry Berkman x reader x Sally Reed

Pairing: Barry Berkman x reader x Sally Reed Word count: 1901 Warnings: Smut, oral sex (female and male), unprotected sex, lenguage, open relationship Request: can you please, PLEASE write a fic where bill and the reader are doing the deed and maggie walks in and it get wEIrd, (i'm thinking some ladY cuCk shiT bAbeY) you're the mastermind and i'll let take that prompt and do whatever you want with it. love your work btw :) (a/n): This was really interesting to write, so thank you again for your request, anon! Hope it is like what you had in mind when you requested it 😄

Acting used to be more like a hobby to you when you started doing theatre in college. You though that, even though everyone was always complimenting the way you acted, you could never do it for a living. That was, of course, until you moved to LA. You didn't move there because you wanted to be a famous actress or become rich, you just wanted to have a normal life with a job and a place of your own. At least, that was your plan until you started to take Gene Coussineau's acting classes.

Seeing everyone in class being so excited and so sure that they could turn acting into their way to make a living, inspired you enough to try to become a professional actress yourself. And since you were one of the best of the class, you soon got some lead roles in the plays you made. It didn’t take long for you to play the main role in some sort of ‘romantic comedy’ set in the 2000's that Gene purposed to the class. You had always played classical plays, mainly Shakespeare and some Greco-Roman authors like Aristophanes or Plautus, so this seemed like a new challenge for you, playing something that hadn’t been written centuries ago. But what you actually found more challenging was working with the person who played your romantic interest in the play, Barry.

Working with him was difficult not because Barry was a bad actor or because he was unprofessional in any way, he had improved a lot since he first got to the class. But even if it sounded as a cliché, you couldn't help but to develop a crush on him as you worked together. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if it wasn't because he was already dating another girl from class, Sally, who also was casted as your best friend and confident in the play.

By the time the opening day arrived, you were even more nervous about what you were feeling for Barry than you actually were about the play. You tried to suck it all up and be professional, but still you couldn't help but feel those 'butterflies' in your stomach whenever you had to interact with him in and out of stage. But despite of everything the play went incredibly good, and after it was finished, an agent gave you his phone number so you could work with his agency.

After you got out of costume, you headed to the bar with the rest of the class and started to celebrate the success of the play. You tried to keep your mind clear as you talked with everyone and drank a beer or two, but you couldn’t help but to notice Barry’s presence at all times. You couldn’t lie to yourself, you were dying to make a move on him, but you were also fully aware of the fact that Sally was also there. The last thing you wanted was to create unnecessary drama in the class, so you went to the bathroom to try and clear your head. Looking at your reflection in the mirror, you decided that you were going to head back home before anything happened, but as you got out of the bathroom, you found Barry getting out of the toilet too.

“Hey.” You smiled at him, with the intention of saying your goodbyes and head out as soon as you could.

“Hey.” He greeted you back, and as you were about to make your way to the rest of the group so you could bid your farewells, he added. “You were amazing today.”

“Oh, thank you.” The smile on your face grew bigger. “But I was only able to do it because of you. I mean, I don’t think the play would have worked out so well if I had anyone else as my scene partner.” You could see the way that he blushed as he heard your words, making you think that he looked extremely cute.

“Really?” He asked, almost as if he wasn’t able to believe your words.

“Yeah, I was kind of nervous because I had never done something like that before, but working with you has been awesome.” As you talked, you could feel the way your heart was beating in your chest. “You have been the best love interest ever.”

You looked at Barry straight in the eye as your only thoughts were about how good he looked and, before he could even reply to you, you lent in to kiss him. As soon as you realized what you were doing, you mentally hit yourself. Now everything would be awkward between you and him, and if he told his girlfriend, you would probably need to find a new theatre group. But, surprisingly, Barry didn’t pull back or stopped you, he just kissed you back. And the feeling of his lips against yours after weeks of building sexual tension was all you needed to forget everything you had ever heard about morality and loyalty.

When you started to feel that familiar heat in between your legs, you grabbed Barry’s hand and guided him into the women’s bathroom to try and get some privacy. As soon as you both got in, Barry started kissing you again, his hands running all over your body. You could feel yourself already trembling with anticipation as he picked you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist, feeling his already growing erection against your belly as he sat you on the sink and started to kiss your neck, sending you goosebumps all over your body and getting you incredibly wet. But that was nothing compared to when his hand traveled from the back of your neck to your core and started rubbing his fingers against your clitoris. By that moment, you were already a moaning mess, so you had to bit your lower lip in order to keep yourself quiet, hoping no one would hear you outside.

You were unbuttoning his shirt when suddenly you heard how someone opened the door. You immediately pulled back and looked in their direction just to find Sally standing on the door. In that moment, you cursed yourself for doing exactly what you had promised yourself you wouldn’t do and fuck it all up. You stood there, nervous, waiting for Sally’s reaction. Honestly, you were expecting her to scream at you, to call you a whore, and it wouldn’t have surprised you if she walked to you and slapped you in the face. But you wouldn’t have expected that she closed the door behind her and stood there, looking at you.

“Don’t mind me.” She simply said. “Keep going.”

As if nothing had happened, Barry knelt in front of you and undid the zipper of your jeans, taking them off alongside your underwear. You couldn’t help but to feel Sally’s stare on you when Barry started to eat you out, forcing a moan out of you. His tongue was making circular motions around your clit, making your body shiver, but you were still looking at her, wondering what was going on. Was this some kind of a wet dream? It felt way too real. But if it was actually happening, why was Sally standing there without doing nothing?

Your breathing was getting heavier and heavier by moments, and when he entered a finger on you, you decided to stop holding back and start moving your hips slightly, feeling insanely aroused. Strangely, Sally watching the two of you made everything hotter, and you supposed she also felt that way when she slipped one hand under her clothes and started touching herself.

“Fuck, I’m cumming…” You managed to say between moanings, which made Barry fasten the pace of his movements, making you reach your first orgasm.

Trying to catch your breathe and with every inch of your body still shaking, you kissed Barry again when he stood up, your attention still focused on Sally. You slit a hand under his pants and started caressing his already hard cock, gaining a few silent moans from him as you got down from where you were sitting and on your knees. Licking the tip of his dick first, you started to blow him as you heard Sally groaning. You didn’t remember being as wet as you were in that moment, but you were definitely loving it. Barry pulled your hair back as he watched the way you took him in. He knew he wouldn’t last long if you kept playing with your tongue around him that way. You took him out of your mouth and looked at Sally, who seemed extremely close to her climax. Giving one last look at Barry, you grabbed his hand and the two of you walked to her.

Her eyes were on you as you got closer to her and kissed her. She could feel the taste of his boyfriend’s precum on your mouth and it turned her on even more. You got rid of her clothes as you placed your mouth on her core, sucking carefully on her clit. You tried to be careful, fearing that you would hurt her, knowing yourself how sensible that spot was. As your tongue moved around her folds, you suddenly felt Barry enter you, making you moan against Sally. He gave you a few seconds to adjust before pounding into you, causing you to feel the pleasure building up inside of you once more.

Just as Barry had done minutes earlier with you, you introduced two fingers inside of Sally, which made her bit her lip as she tried to hold back a moan. The sight of her about to cum added to the feeling of him thrusting hard and fast into you was all you needed to reach your orgasm again, followed by the immediate release of Sally. She lent in to kiss you as Barry finished thrusting into you. When he finally came, you lied on the floor for a few seconds, exhausted.

“Everyone must be wondering where we are.” Sally said, as she started to dress up again.

“We should come back then.” You replied when you finally caught your breathe again.

You put your clothes on again and, being as discrete as you possibly could, the three of you decided to return to where the rest of the class was. The first one to leave the room, by herself, was Sally, leaving you and Barry alone again. You stared at him as he finished buttoning his shirt.

“Well, that was fun.” You stated as you put on your jacket, you walked to him and gave him a final kiss.

“Sure, we should repeat it again some time.” A smirk formed on your lips as you heard his words.

Not wanting to be even more suspicious, you got out of the bathroom and walked back to where your classmates were. Sally was already there, drinking a beer and chatting with everyone. You gave her a knowing look as you sat by her side and told everyone that you were out having a smoke. You tried to play it cool, converse normally and act as if nothing had happened as you still felt your legs shaking under the table. When you saw Barry coming back, you couldn’t help but to smile again as you thought about his words. You definitely wouldn’t mind to repeat that again.

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finnicks · 3 years

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i can't put this shit anywhere bc twitter has a character limit and i've p much just left the social media platform i'd post this on anyway.

i usually use tumblr for fun shit and understand other people do, too. this is for myself bc sometimes you have to dump thoughts somewhere, and i don't want to handwrite this bc my handwriting is horrible atm.

navel-gazing personal shit.

i feel like being a navel-gazer rn bc who reads personal tumblr posts? i figured i'd share this here bc i've been reblogging a lot of self-care and positive self-talk quotes for a while now and doing my usual rambling spiel in the tags where i've also offered bits and pieces of where my own headspace is and referenced my own mental health journey. i do hope those posts and even me screeching in the tags helps someone on their journey.

anyway.

for the last two months, i have been putting my mental health front and centre. thanks to a good friend, i realised that no one will ever put my mental health first and the only way that i would ever feel better about myself and break out of this vindictive and awful cycle i found myself in (and have been in for years) was to take the bull by the horns and guide it myself.

so i have been. and it's been fucking great.

it's been hard. it was hard when i first started bc i was wondering if i was doing the right thing or if i was even doing it right. (yes, it is the right thing, and yes, i was doing it right bc i was doing it for myself.) it's been lonely, too, for many reasons, some including the worry of how friends will perceive me and judge me, and also the fact that not everyone i know is even on board the "let's get better and do it ourselves" express yet. if i don't feel a connection with someone about the topic at hand, i don't talk to them about it. it's reasonable; talking about this is opening up a vulnerable part of myself. so, i kept it to myself a lot.

i recognised a social media platform that really let me flog myself. i recognised that it encouraged me to compare myself to others and that i was constantly seeking out shit that hurt my feelings. it sounds nuts but i sought this shit out for the sole purpose of opening up a negative dialogue with myself where i was derisive to myself. ever since being off of it, i have felt really great about myself. that's important to me. not being on there is important to me; if someone can't accept that, that's actually not my problem.

over the last two months, the way i talk to myself has changed drastically. i would like to think that if any of my friends knew how i spoke to myself that they would be saddened and devastated by it bc it's cruel and unkind. how i spoke to myself fed my negative self-narrative and i believed that negative self-narrative was the reality and the truth. it's not.

i know it sounds kind of trite to say "be kind to yourself!" but, seriously, be kind to yourself. pull yourself up when you think horribly about yourself. be your own best friend. it sounds stupid and super cheesy, but it really does work. no one will cape harder for you than you. when i started having a negative thought, i'd say "stop", force myself to reframe, and try and not dwell on it. easier said than done, i know, but it's possible if you really persist.

i changed a lot of my inner dialogue and told my inner voice to go take a hike bc i deserved a lot better. it's gotten to the point where i feel a lot more confident in myself. i still have my insecure moments (of course, we're all people, and this is just the beginning of my journey, too), but these days, i'm able to identify if it's being brought on by me being tired or if it's bc i'm being overly emotional and personalising a situation that doesn't even reflect who i am. i'm kind to myself in these moments (it's important to be).

i'm negl... since doing this, i feel clearer. i feel like i can see shit now. i can see my bad behaviours and toxic habits, and i can see i have power over them. i also feel like bc i've cleared out some space, positive space and energy has come my way, too.

i used to have serious fomo when it came to things and friends. i think it makes sense to not want to miss out on your friends. i didn't want my friends to lose their interest in me and so i felt the need to remain "relevant" to them and i did things that i didn't want to do and took on things i never had any interest in. if you have to be consistently present and in someone's face in order to remain "relevant" (i.e. constantly at the forefront of their mind and someone they talk to), then they're not really worth your time. i did this a lot with a hobby i'm in. ever since i stopped doing that (it's hard to break a habit like this), i felt a lot more fulfilled and less resentful. people will talk to you bc they want to. your friends will remember you and think of you and speak to you and all that shit if they are good people and good friends. i didn't trust people. i am now starting to trust them. (some people do make stupid ass decisions and that also does affect my trust, but, you know, i'm actually open to trusting people to show that they care for me. the whole stupid ass decisions is another thing entirely.)

no one will ever change how you feel about yourself. someone can compliment you, but if someone says you're great, your inner dialogue can rip that apart and call it insincerity if you have a poor relationship with your inner voice. i know; i used to do this all the time and then wondered why i felt like people complimenting me was insincere. (i no longer feel this way. instead, i'm working on stopping my inner dialogue from saying "you don't deserve this" to "i deserve this and i am grateful X complimented me".) i do appreciate the people who are happy for me and celebrate my wins. i am grateful for them. i wasn't grateful for a long ass time bc i could never allow myself to celebrate my wins before. (btw, friends who do not celebrate you are not friends.)

i started complimenting myself. i picked up a gratitude journal again and i write down a minimum of five things i'm grateful/proud of from the day that's been. i do this every night, no matter what. i do it on good days and i do it on bad days. it's important to identify the good. i now look back on my journal and i see all the things that made me happy. sometimes it's as simple as "i'm grateful for my cats" and it can be as detailed as "i'm proud of myself for writing 1,000 words of X fic and posting it." i also make sure to include one person i'm grateful for, especially in the form of an interaction, bc i feel like it's important for myself to remember that, when i feel lonely, i'm actually not lonely at all.

a good friend shared with me that people often make decisions without me i mind. it's not meant to be cruel; it's just a fact. and since acknowledging and accepting this, i've felt a lot better. less vindictive, less hurt. i won't lie, i used to make decisions with people in mind and then grew resentful of them bc i made those decisions, usually out of some desire to "keep" them. the thing is, no one can be "kept". people choose to stay. the moment i began making decisions for myself, i felt better.

i still have a long way to go. i feel like since i started this journey, i've begun to correct really bad behaviours and thinking patterns. by doing that, i've uncovered other ones. people are like onions, and i've begun to unwrap all those gross layers that make my eyeballs water. what drove my insecurities and negative behaviour patterns isn't going to be solved in two months, but in those two months, i've made some great progress. i think that deserves to be celebrated.

the things i feel like i need to work on and feel like sharing include:

accepting compliments; yes, they are for me, and i should be proud of the work that gained that compliment.

accepting that people like me for me.

accepting that people want to be there for me even if i feel like i don't need anyone.

complimenting myself further.

removing myself from situations. this sounds very weird but by removing the "i" from someone's choice has given me so much freedom.

continuing to do what i want to do when i want to do it.

being kind to myself. i am a busy person (my work is a lot) and i need to start angling my self-love to be understanding of that.

stop comparing myself to others. i'm me; i'm great.

appreciating the fact that i am me, and there are some great things about me that are worth celebrating that i won't list here.

accept that i am good enough for me. full stop. (if i'm good enough for someone else, cool.)

sometimes i worry that by me putting myself first in this way and changing the dialogue i have with myself will lose me some friends. maybe it will. some people feel comfortable with who i was before i started this. i have always believed that some people are meant to be in your life for a pitstop or for some part of the ride, and some people are meant to be there with you until you reach your final destination and join you on your next journey. people who can't accept and even celebrate me for who i am and trying to become are not people i want in my life.

understanding (and celebrating) that i'm me and not someone else has been important and great. i used to try and make myself be like someone else, but i'm not. i'm not the person next to me and i'm not my friends. i realised that being me is good enough (it's starting to be). after all, no one is me.

i am enough.

#personal shit

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superqueerwritingfangirl-blog · 7 years

Text

Insecure

Fandom: Merlin

Character Ship: Merlin x Reader

Word Count: 1133

Request: “I wanted to write a message but I couldn't :c anyways I was wondering if you could write me a merlin x chubby reader (female) where the two are great friends and the reader has a crush on Merlin but doesn't really think she stands a chance cuz of her size but Gwen/Arthur etc help them get together or something. Make it fluffy and some angsty cuz I loveee to suffer lmao Thanks for reading btw c:” @assbuttbees

Warnings: Insecurities

Author’s note: Ok, sorry this sucks. For some reason I was having trouble with writing this, probably because I’m plus size and the same way.

Walking down the corridor with Queen Guinevere you laughed as the two of you joked about the upcoming banquet and the guests that were to be joining you for the evening.

Your father was a well respected night, and Uthers right hand, so you grew up with Arthur. When your father passed during the battle with Morgana Arthur promised that you’d always have a place to live. You lived in a nice house just outside of the castle, connected to it by a corridor. “I trust you’ll be joining us tonight?” Gwen asked, smiling at you as you entered her and Arthur's shared room.

“I don’t know, Gwen. You know I’m not keen on large groups; too much potential for a disaster.” You said, opening her wardrobe and searching for a dress for her to wear.

“But all the gorgeous knights from the other kingdoms! So many future suitors.” She said with a dreamy sigh.

“Perhaps I should tell Arthur about the gorgeous knight.” You joked. “Besides, they wouldn’t like someone my size.” You pulled out a new, blue dress that you knew Gwen would want to wear and held it up to Gwen’s form. “I have nothing to wear anyway.”

“Merlin’s going to be there.” The queen said in a sing-song tone.

“Yes, I know.” You sighed, you told Gwen about your feelings for the young man. “Even if I wanted to go, I’d be drowned out by your beauty, Gwen.”

“Nonsense, (Y/N).” The queen said, reaching into a chest in the corner of the room. She pulled out a long sleeve of purple fabric, with an ivory lace top. “I had this specially made for your birthday, but I think tonight warrants an emergency.”

Looking at the dress you nearly cried, gently you took it from her, mumbling a sincere ‘thank you’. You scurried behind her dressing screen and slipped on the dress. You were afraid the dress would not fit, almost giving up just because of your nerves. As you popped your head out of the neck hole you gasped, finding it fit every curve and roll.

The lace was fitting, hanging low on your shoulders, bits of sultry skin peeking through the lace. The sleeves went down to your wrists and the lace of your top stopped at your belly button, a loose, maroon skirt flowing down to the floor.

Stepping out from behind the screen Gwen squealed, pushing you in front of the mirror. “You look stunning.”

“I’m nothing compared to you, M’Lady.” You said with a smile.

“I know Merlin won’t think so,” Gwen said, just as there was a knock on the door. Gwen opened the door and just outside stood King Arthur and Merlin. You hid behind the dressing screen, afraid of looking stupid in front of Merlin.

The two men stepped inside, you could see their shadows. “(Y/N)’s just - uh - finished getting dressed. (Y/N),” she said, turning towards you, “are you ready?”

You sighed, weighing your options: stay behind this screen until they give up and leave or give in and just go to the banquet? Before you could make that decision Guinevere appeared in front of you. Grabbing your hand she pulled you out into the open. Your eyes lock onto the two men, their jaws hung open. “Hello, lads.” You greeted, sarcastically.

No words were spoken, Arthur took Gwen’s hand, leading her out of the room, allowing you to fully focus on Merlin. He stood, silently shocked, in the entryway of the room, wearing a maroon top and off white pants. You were magically matching. “You look amazing, (Y/N),” Merlin whispered, taking a step towards you. Instinctively you looked away, unable to take a compliment, but when he sighed you glanced back at him. With your eyes locked to his, he took your hand in his. “Shall we go to the banquet?” He asked, slightly bowing and extending his arm.

You almost reached out before you realized who you were. A girl with far too much squish and enough rolls to feed the whole kingdom. You glanced down at your belly that curved out into a gross roundness, almost unable to see your feet. Tears pricked at your eyes as you looked back at Merlin, Gwen probably forced him to do this.

So, with Merlin still bowed before you, you pushed past him and down the corridor and to your own small home. You busted through the door, leaning against the wood as you closed it, sighing deeply. Tears swam down your cheeks. Of course, Gwen would force Merlin to ask you to the banquet, no one would actually want to go with you. You did a favor for Merlin, you were sure of it. You stripped yourself of your new gown, putting it in your wardrobe and promptly falling asleep.

Waking you felt as though something was off, that someone was watching you. Opening your eyes you found that to be true: a very pissed Gwen sat inches away from your face. “You ran out!? Just took off?!” She yelled.

“With all due respect, M’Lady, it’s far too early for this.”

“He was devastated, (Y/N). He thinks you hate him; refuses to get out of bed.” The Queen said, sadly and with that you knew you had messed up.

“You and Arthur didn’t force him to go with me?”

“What?!” she yelled..again. “Of course not!” You stood up and ran from your quarters, still in your sleeping gown.

A big girl running through the streets of Camelot in her sleeping gown definitely gave you strange looks but for once you ignored them as you stumbled into Guias’ home. Thanking every god that the Physician wasn’t there you, quite literally, kicked the door to Merlin’s small room open. “MErlin!” You yelled.

“Yes, (Y/N)?” He asked, from behind you in the main room of the house. Turning to look at him he seemed sad and lacking sleep.

“I got the wrong idea about last night. I thought you were forced to go to the banquet and didn’t actually want to. I got so upset and didn’t want you to see me cry.”

“You cried because you thought I didn’t want to go with you? Why would you think such things?”

You scoffed, signaling to your body. “Have you seen me? I’m a cow.”

Merlin froze, trying to find the words, but none came. “I’ve never been good with words.” He mumbled just before pulling you into him.

He pressed his lips to yours, causing you to pause for a moment, but as you processed what was happening you melted into the fevered kiss. Finally

#merlin x reader #merlin x you #merlin fanfic

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