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calumance · 4 years

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LA Devotee - Part XVI

Warnings: cussing, angst, lil bit of punching, fighting

Word Count: 4k

Summary: With Calum gone, Emily and Calum can’t seem to ever be on the same wave length, and then he shows up.

A/N: This is horribly angsty, but every good story needs a good angsty chapter. 💕💕 Happy reading!!!! Feedback and requests are always welcomed!!! (Want to know when I post new stuff? Let me know!)

Masterlist

It’s been three whole weeks since Calum has been gone. Three whole weeks of us Face Timing every night, texting throughout the day, and telling each other how much we miss each other. Today I woke up feeling extra tired, and extra annoyed that Calum still wasn’t here to wake up next to me. After a quick shower, I pulled my hair that still held it’s curl from the day before into a messy pony tail, and pulled on a black maxi dress, a jean jacket, and a pair of black sandals. It was supposed to be hot today, which made the dress practical, but it also felt nice to wear a dress every once in a while.

Work was the same as it was every day, the only thing that made up for it was Calum posting a picture of us from a few days before he left and captioned it with “Missing this one extra hard today.” A smile stretched across my lips as I used my pointer finger to double tap the image and then used my thumbs to type out a comment: “Missing you extra, extra hard.” For a second, I contemplated not putting a heart, but just before I hit send, I put a heart.

Just as Mikayla and I parted ways in the parking garage, my phone rang, the picture on my screen telling me it was Calum. I shut my car door and answered, the call being transferred to handsfree mode. “Hello, my darling.” I greeted Calum as I twisted awkwardly to start pulling out of my parking space.

He sighed, “Hey, love.” He sounded like he was frustrated. My stomach twisted, he never sounded like this when he talks to me.

My eyebrows furrowed, “Is everything okay?” The engine roared as I pulled out onto the main road. I readjusted my grip on the steering wheel, nervous that he was, for some reason, frustrated with me.

“Yeah, I just haven’t been sleeping well the past couple of nights. How was your day?” Luke was singing in the background and even through the phone, I could sense Calum’s irritation.

“It was okay. Why haven’t you been getting sleep?” My eyes focused on the road, but my mind focused on wishing I could be with him. I miss running my hands through his thick hair, I miss him wrapping his arms around me in the middle of the night to pull me closer. I miss the feeling of his lips on mine in the morning, apologizing that he hadn’t brushed his teeth yet. I miss laying by the pool, his head on my chest as the sun beat down on both of us. This was harder than I thought it would be.

Luke continued to sing behind him until suddenly a door slammed shut. “I’m just missing you really bad lately. I wish you could come visit me, did you ask about how much time you could take off?” There was a slight echo behind him, like he was standing in a bathroom.

I hadn’t gotten the chance to ask about my time off yet, we’ve been quite busy the past few days. Every chance I thought I had to get up and ask my boss, something else was slapped onto my desk. I rubbed my forehead in frustration and sighed, “I’m sorry, Calum. I haven’t had the chance to talk to my boss, it’s been so busy. I can ask her tomorrow, I promise.”

He sighed, this time it was obvious the irritation was towards me. My heart stopped and I looked at the radio to see if the call was still going. “Okay. I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.” I didn’t even get another word in before he hung up. The tears welled up in my eyes, if there was anyone who wanted me to visit him more than he did, it was me, but it’s not my fault that work sometimes has to come first. I slammed my hand on the steering wheel, a scream building in my chest.

As I pulled into the driveway, I wiped a few tears off my face. As I climbed out of my car, I reached into my bag to find the keys to the house. When I looked up, my bad day got one hundred times worse. Nathan was leaning against the front door, the stupid tooth pick he always had hanging out of his mouth. I stopped dead in my tracks, I absolutely did not need this today. “What the fuck are you doing here, Nathan? How did you even find out where I live?”

Nathan pushed himself off the door and took the steps towards me to close the space between us. “I have connections. So, this is your house? You bought this?”

I ran my hand over my hair and lowered my hand, slapping it against my thigh. “No, I didn’t buy this house. How the hell did you find this address?” There was no way I was going to leave the spot I was standing in until I knew he was gone. I knew that if I tried to get myself inside and lock the door, Nathan would push his way in, and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen. Nathan smirked and rolled the toothpick in his mouth as he got closer to me. After the day I had, the thought of punching him became a lot more prominent. “Listen, motherfucker, It’s been almost six months since our divorce was finalized and you have spent more time showing up in Los Angeles to see what’s going on in my life, than you’ve spent on your own life.” I chuckled a sarcastic chuckle, “If you’d spent this much attention on me when we were married, maybe it wouldn’t have ended.” I shrugged and crossed my arms, standing my ground.

Nathan’s stupid smirk wiped off his face. He didn’t have much to say back, but he looked around me. “So where’s your perfect boyfriend at, anyway?”

“He’s not home.” I spat back at him.

He took the toothpick out of his mouth and got uncomfortably close to me, “Well, since he’s not home, maybe we could go inside, and,” He looked me up and down, causing my skin to boil, “Try to make up, or something.”

I pushed him away from me as hard as I possibly could, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Get the fuck away from me, I will literally call the cops on you.” The tears started to well in my eyes from anger. My keys finding their ways between my fingers in defense. Not wanting Nathan to get the satisfaction of seeing me cry, I swallowed the tears and started to pull out my phone.

“Oh, you’re going to call the cops on me. I’m so scared.” He mocked me and it caused the anger and all of the shit that I’ve had to deal with today to boil over. In one swift motion, I balled my fist and connected to his face. He fell backwards and held his face.

I shook out my hand and readjusted the bag on my shoulder. “Get off this property, never fucking show your face in around me or anyone I know ever again, or I will call the cops and get a restraining order.” Nathan let go of his face and pushed himself off the ground. He got close to me but I stood my ground. With a shake of his head, he walked away. As soon as he rounded the corner, the tears started to resurface. My hands were shaking as I found the key to open the front door. As soon as I shut and locked the door behind me, I slid to the ground, placing my face in my hands and cried.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there crying for, but it was long enough that it was now dark outside. I pulled my phone out of my bag and saw a text message from Calum. My stomach turned and I dropped my phone before pushing myself up and making my way to the kitchen. After I finished eating dinner, I started to walk into the living room. My eye caught sight of my phone still laying on the ground by the front door. I ran my hand back over my hair and made my way over to my phone, picking it up and looking at the screen. There was a single missed call from Calum and the unread text message from a while ago. I unlocked my phone and read the message: “I’m sorry I acted like such a jerk. I’m going to go to bed early tonight. I’m sorry if I upset you, just remember that you mean the world to me. Xx Cal.” Knowing that the missed call was probably his goodnight call, I typed a message back to him: “It’s fine, you mean the world to me too. I hope you get some sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow. Xx”

After I fed Duke, I walked to the bedroom and changed into some pajamas and sat on the end of the bed. I ran my hands over my face then walked into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. By the time I was ready for bed, Duke had jumped onto the bed and made himself comfortable. Before I joined him, I walked around the house making sure all of the lights were off and all of the doors were locked. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I started crying again, crying myself to sleep.

I woke up before my alarm, and instead of going back to sleep, I just got up. Duke and I made our way into the kitchen and he immediately walked to the back door. After I let him outside, I grabbed some food and made a quick breakfast. Duke followed me into the bathroom and laid on the bathmat as I showered, he was missing Calum just as much as I was. I wore another dress to work, not really feeling like trying to put together an actual outfit. When I sat down at my desk, I dropped my head into my hands. “Is everything okay, Emily?”

“Nathan showed up at Calum’s last night. He said he got the address because he has ‘connections.’ I punched him, like I actually punched him. He tried to get me to have sex with him.” I dropped my hands, the tears beginning to well in my eyes. My eyes found their way to the ceiling to try to hold them back.

Mikayla’s eyes grew wide, “Jesus, have you told Calum?”

I laughed and let a few tears fall. “No, because I don’t want to worry him with that kind of stuff. I can handle it, I mean, I did handle it. He hasn’t been sleeping and I just don’t want to bother him.” I shrugged and turned to see if my boss was in her office yet. Before I got too busy I pushed myself out of my chair and walked towards her office, knocking lightly on the open door. She lifted her eyes from her computer, over the top of her glasses. “I’m sorry to bother you, but is there any way you could tell me how much vacation time I have? My boyfriend is going to be out of town for a while and I’d like to go visit him.” I interlaced my fingers in front of me, always being nervous to talk to her. She was nice and all, but I’ve seen what happens when people get on her bad side.

She leaned back and took her glasses off, “You’re the one who is with that musician boy, right?” I nodded, running my hand up and down my arm. “Someone had mentioned it, but I wasn’t sure who they were talking about. Let me look for you, you can take a seat while I look.” I thanked her and sat in the chair closest to the door. She typed and clicked her mouse a few times and then she hummed. “It looks like you have five days, but that’s all you’ll have until the beginning of the year. However, you have a couple of sick days you could use if you need more time.” She took her glasses off and smiled at me.

I stood and smoothed down my dress. “Thank you, I will let you know what we decide.” I dipped out of her office and sat at my desk. Every couple of minutes, I would check my phone to see if Calum had sent me a text, but I didn’t get one until lunch time. “We have a day off today, so I slept in and finally got some sleep. Please call me when you get home, I want to apologize for how I acted yesterday, Xx Cal.” As much as I wanted to respond to him, I didn’t. Everything has been just shit for a day and a half, and I just needed some time to breathe.

When I locked the door behind me, I tapped Calum’s name and pressed the speaker to my ear. The dial tone sounded as I walked toward the back door and opened it. Duke went running out and I followed behind him, sitting in a wicker chair by the pool. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wedged my free arm between my thighs and my stomach. Just as I was about to give up on the phone call, Calum answered. “Hey, sunshine. Sorry, I fell asleep with my phone on the bed and it fell and I couldn’t get to it. How was your day?”

“Better than yesterday. My boss says I have five vacation days and a couple of sick days until the end of the year. I told her I’d let her know what we decide.” I lowered my head, still upset about how we ended our conversation yesterday, and the fact that Nathan showed up.

“That’s great! I’ll look tomorrow when the best time for you to come visit will be and then we can get everything booked.” He paused, but then continued. “I can’t wait to see you, I miss you so much.” His voice sounded like he was smiling.

I lifted my arm and ran my fingers over my lips. “I miss you too, honey.” I sighed and ran my fingers over my brow ridge, “I need to tell you something.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about Nathan showing up here, but this is his house, he deserves to know. Also, Calum had told me that I could tell him anything. I closed my eyes and put my hand over my eyes. “Nathan showed up here yesterday. I don’t know how he found your address, all he said was he has connections. He tried to get me to have sex with him, so I punched him and threatened to call the cops. I think I should get a restraining order.” The other end of the line was silent. I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure the call didn’t drop. After the call screen showed it still counting the time we were talking, I placed the speaker back to my ear. “Are you still there?”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Emily?” He voice was low, like it had been yesterday when he hung up on me. My heart skipped a beat, the fear that this was the exact reaction he was going to have suddenly becoming reality.

The words got caught in my throat as the tears started to form. “I didn’t want to bother you with this. I handled it, what were you supposed to do from New York?” I didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did, but the words came out harsh.

“You didn’t want to bother me?” His voice got louder, and the tears started to fall. “Emily, when are you going to learn that I am a part of your life now? When are you going to learn that I will do anything to protect you and be there for you. I had the day off, I could’ve come home and made sure you were safe. My god, Emily, when are you going to learn to be less selfish?”

That struck a chord with me. Nathan always said shit to me like that, even when I spent hours upon hours doing things for him. I stood up out of the chair, the tears stinging as they rolled down my cheek. “Selfish? How was I being selfish when I was trying to keep my shit show of a life out of your career so you could rest? How was I being selfish when I was literally only thinking about you?” I was yelling now, my chest hurting from my heart beating so fast.

“Because your shit show of a life is now my shit show of a life, Emily, just like how my life is now your life.” He yelled back at me, which I deserved, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Fucking hell, Emily, when are you going to learn that I actually care about you and our relationship?” His lowered his voice to say that, but it still wasn’t in a good way. There was an underlying tone of annoyance and anger. I had nothing to say to him, I knew he cared about me, I knew he cared about our relationship, but I’m so damaged. “I can’t talk to you right now. Goodnight, Emily.” The phone beeped in my ear telling me the call had ended. My face burned as the tears continuously flowed down my cheeks. I held onto my phone as tightly as I could, resisting the urge to throw it across the yard or into the pool.

Duke was standing at the back door, and I slid it open to let him and myself inside. Duke ran to the couch and wagged his tail, but TV wasn’t how I was feeling. I locked the back door behind me and then walked to the front door to make sure it was locked. My phone was still grasped in my hand until I made it to the bedroom where I tossed it onto the bed before crawling under the covers and closing my eyes, hoping sleep would carry me to tomorrow.

The only reason I slept was because of the crying. If my body hadn’t been so tired from crying, I would’ve stared at the ceiling all night long. My body ached, my heart ached, everything just hurt. I sat up on the bed and ran my hands through my hair, the thought of calling in to work passing through my head. The thought quickly passed as I threw the comforter off my legs and made my way into the bathroom. Today was another leggings and oversized sweater day, and instead of making coffee, I stopped at Starbucks.

My desk chair squeaked as I sat in it and turned my computer on. Mikayla looked at me over her computer. We met eyes and I just shook my head, putting my headphones in. That’s how the whole day went. Every time Mikayla’s eyes would meet mine, I would shake my head. When it was time for lunch, I shook my head, and continued to work. Mikayla brought a salad back from the café for me, and as hungry as I was, I shook my head and left it where it sat. It must’ve been eating away at Mikayla because she abruptly stood up from her desk, walked over to mine and pulled my headphone out of my ear. “I have never seen you like this. What is going on?” Again, I just shook my head. “Emily, what is wrong? You look like you got ran over by a train.”

I raised my eyebrows and mumbled, “Feel like it too.”

“Are you going to talk to me about it?” I shook my head, still not taking my eyes off my work. “Okay, fine. Just, eat something. Don’t starve yourself.” She walked away from my desk, and sat at hers, obviously frustrated. I eyed the salad she had left on my desk and slowly popped the top off and poured the dressing over the top. As I worked, I slowly ate the salad, and slowly felt the hunger cloud disappear. Although that cloud had disappeared, the black cloud of hurt still lingered.

At the end of the day, I headed straight for my car. All I wanted to do was go home, and drink alone until I passed out. Just as I reached my car, Mikayla’s voice sounded behind me, “Emily, wait.” I turned around and looked at her without any expression. “Can we talk, before you go home? I’m really worried about you. We can talk in your car.” As much as I wanted to say no, the need of wanting this hurt to go away took over. So, I nodded and she climbed in the passenger side. I pressed the start/stop button so that only the radio turned on. Mikayla’s eyes burned a hole in the side of my head, and as I thought about what to say first, the tears sat on the brim of my eyes.

The first time I tried to speak, nothing came out. I placed my finger over my lips and lifted my elbow to the edge of the window, looking out the window and allowing the tears to fall. After a couple more breaths, it finally came out. “I told Calum about Nathan showing up. He asked me why I didn’t tell him, and I told him it was because I didn’t want to bother him. Calum proceeded to get incredibly angry because if he had known, he would’ve taken his day off to fly home and be with me. I told him that wasn’t necessary because I didn’t want him getting mixed up in my shit show life.” I dropped my arm from the window and looked at my hands, which were trembling. I cleared my throat and continued. “He told me that I was selfish because when we decided to be in a relationship, it meant that his life was my life, and my life was his life. After that he said he couldn’t talk to me, and I haven’t talked to him since.”

I hadn’t noticed until I was done talking that Mikayla had her hand wrapped around my arm. When I looked at her, her eyes were soft, her face felt the same pain I was feeling. “Emily, I’m so sorry. Can I tell you what I’m thinking?” I nodded. Everything she says to me always makes me feel better. Since the day we met, and she wedged her way into my life, moments like this she just knew what to say. “Calum’s right.” My eyes narrowed and my eyebrows furrowed. “Hold on, let me keep going before you get mad at me. He’s right that when you two decided to be in a relationship that his life became yours and your life became his. That’s actually how relationships work. However, I don’t think he handled it correctly. Instead of saying he couldn’t talk to you, he should’ve embraced you from a far. He’ll come back around. Just give him time, you said he wasn’t sleeping, maybe he just lashed out. Have you tried calling him or anything?” My eyes left her face and I shook my head, “Maybe you should. Want me to come over tonight?” I shook my head again and told her I’d be fine. “Okay, well, text me when you get home. Everything’s going to be fine, don’t over think it. Love you, mean it.” With that, she climbed out of car and I started the engine and drove home.

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Tag list: @notinthesameguey @thinkofmehlgh @another-lonely-heart @limer-encia @viiirg0 @itsmytimetoodream @babyoria

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zephyr-94 · 5 years

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barista!jaemin

inspired by the one and only, puff live!

a/n: this is my first ever fic omg pls spare me with my low writing skills cause ive literally never done this fjskdjdhjdks okay i just love na jaemin periodt. (after writing: ITS VERY JUMPY AND LENGTHY I DIDNT PLAN TO MAKE IT LIKE THIS DJSKJSJSS)

so like your aunt owns a cafe which is in the middle of the city

and you live a lil outside just cause you know, school n shit

you visit her so often cause its a small cafe and it calms you down whenyou need a short break from everything

its weird thats its in the middle of the city but its still calming right?

well okay so like you know those small streets down the neighbourhoods?

the ones you dont really go unless you are rlly feeling adventurous n shit, your aunt’s cafe is in one of those streets

okay longass context down

and at school, you are in a photography club,,, or technically you just learn photography from your teacher after school but its not a whole club extravaganza

just cause your school kinda demands an extra curricular after the first year

but it feels really suffocating to be forced to do smth as a group/with people you arent as familiar with,,,,

so you “signed up” for the smallest club: [photography theory]

it was about time you start doing your hobby-ish thing at school and the tutor was cool with you being practically the only student in the club lmao so everything was going well but

youve never rlly done anything big yourself and your school friends havent pushed you to do smth either

so you were kind of looking to at least take part in one out-of-class project initiated by students maybe

and theres this big school newspaper club/writers’ club,,,, and you find out that they are like !! photographers & stories wanted !!

and you ?? at first but apparently its a project where like students get to submit their fav pic & write a mini article about “your place of comfort”

cause the topic of the month is mental health/dealing with stress and the newspaper club wants a students’ view on it, instead of just “meditation” as a topic

then you just have that cafe in your mind like,,, how you would love to shoot the street light shining into the cafe from afar and how calm that place makes you feel,,,

basically you just love your auntie’s cafe lmao

so then you go on about maybe joining it,,, but then you be indecisive cause youve never actually taken a photo professionally you just have a prolonging passion for it,,,

and your teacher is like “y/n idk why you are contemplating no ones gonna judge you just try smth new, go take the chance if you are feeling like it”

we love a supportive johnny, oh yes your english teacher is your photography “club” tutor,,, self proclaimed club

actually there have been many opportunities in the past with taking photos for projects like this one but you just stayed away cause it didnt “motivate” you to take photos for it

so johnny’s words kinda pushed your back n you felt like this was the right thing :))

so then you visit your auntie on the weekends asking maybe if you can take pics & ask her a couple questions about this place

and shes like ofc!! wanna see how you capture this place :))

so then you do this whole process and you submit the article & photos,,,,,

which ends up getting a whole page???

and you are like wh a t

newspaper club: oh you submitted many such pretty pictures & your comment felt very genuine

and you :)) but damn a whole page,,,, you is a lil anxious djskdjdh now the entire schools now going to know you

johnny the hype man teacher: see i told you it was going to turn out nice

and then kaboom, your article lowkey blows up lmao

your auntie is calling you up like “y/n!! so many customers came today!! and a lot of them are wearing the same uniform as you, they must be the students from your school!!”

and shes so happy so you are happy af

but then you remember like,,,, shes never had a part timer,,,,,

and she continues to manage the place by herself after it gets popular among the students,,,,

?? auntie,,, you never take a break ??

shes like maybe ill think about hiring someone?? and you are like, that would be good for you :)) i will be less worried about your health!!

whoop guess who got hired

and after youve had that^ conv, you had constant classes n group projects n shit so you literally had no time,,,

two weeks later, kinda highkey stressed

you decide to go make a quick visit to auntie before going to the library to study

and you peek,,, to see not your auntie,,,,

but a boy??

just standing behind the counter,,, no auntie to be seen but a beautiful boy???

before the opening hours,,,, he?? must be the part timer,,,

and once he notices you by the door,

he just smiles at you,,, so brightly,,,,

wow youve never seen such a pretty face,,,

you actually like forget to open the door you are just staring from outside the cafe,,,,

and he just waves,,, and you snap back to reality like oh shit did i just stare at someone for a solid minute

welp that was embarrassing djkdjdfj

he opens the door for you and goes “hey you must be y/n :))”

“the only person who comes before 9am, thats you isnt it?”

and you just ?¿ confusion??¿

“auntie told me about it :)) hi, nice to meet you, im jaemin!!”

you are still confused but you just shake hands next to the counter,,,

and as you take a seat

jaemin just makes a smol run to the other side and hes like

“you came just in time, i want you to try my latte!!”

jaemin serves a cup of latte with a leaf art

this boy just served a latte first thing after shaking hands i-

you take a sip from the cup

and you are like,,, so auntie hired an experienced boy,,,,

“its really good,,,” it has the same comforting taste you always love

and jaemin just has the biggest smile :)))) you know his smile where the ends just curl in, yes that one

him beaming like that just makes you giggly inside,,,,

you ask him “so uh um im guessing you are the part timer??”

“yes!! i didnt introduce myself properly did i! i started working here two weeks ago :))

ive been coming here for quite a while now so im happy i got the chance!!”

and you ?¿ “ive never seen you here??” you are the most frequent customer youve gotta have seen him before fjsksj

hes like “oh um i always came at 9pm on a friday, after everyone leaves and the whole neighbourhood gets quiet”

you just :o

and come to think of it, you’ve never visited here on a friday night,, cause you know, friday evening is your im not doing anything tonight kinda me time lmao

inside you are kinda happy that someone who knows this place got hired like its a special place to you so

tbh you were kinda anxious even though you trust your aunt,,,,,

and jaemin hurriedly goes “oh and also auntie is taking a break today, shes out to the market so im gonna take over until she returns in the afternoon”

djskdj auntie why didnt she tell you lmao

“im sorry if you needed anything specific from her,,, you should stay for a while until she comes back maybe?”

and you are like,,, “oh that would be great,,, but unfortunately i have to go to the library,,,,”

jaemin: ): he pout

“im so glad you came today tho!! i wanted to see you :) auntie has told so many thing about you”

“wait,, what has she told you,, omg”

apparently shes told jaemin

a) reason why this cafe recently became a popular hideout cafe for students because you wrote a school article bout it

b) that you do photography

c) and that this cafe is your break time so you never study here and auntie loves listening to you talk about school n what not

and then you are like !!

“wait so then you dont go to our school ,,,um are you also a student?”

and you panic a little cause i mean you just met him but you literally know nothing and you mightve assumed things fjsksj

and jaemin tells you “ah yes i go to a hospitality school downtown” “ohh”

and from there he just starts talking about his school and what he studies

he asks you about school but jaemin is extra excited about his hospitality course hes all !! :))!!

and you are so hooked on jaemin talking about his school you forget an hour passes by,,,,

[time to open the cafe]

then the customers start coming in

and you are like “oh sorry ive just bothered you during the preparation time,,,,, it was nice meeting you!! gotta go now :))”

and you rush out cause all you planned to do was give your auntie a little visit

also you dont want to bother jaemin cause its hes gonna handle the place alone for a couple hours

you wave a smol see you soon and

jaemin just does a little chuckle,, and hes like waving so widely fjsksj does he know other people can see him

and thats how your first day with jaemin went

later that day you return home thinking like,,, did you just get so excited to converse with someone who you juSt met,,,

na jaemin’s power

and jaemin on the other hand, is thinking about how beautiful you looked today

just that short while but it made him so happy

hes thinking about you all week uwu

so next week you visit again, expecting to see your auntie

and maybe also that gleaming boy

peeking through before the opening hours

the moment jaemin realises you hes like “y/n!!” what a shining boy

and aunties like “oh y/n right you met him last week when i was out right”

that morning you just talk to auntie about what shes been missing on after you went on a busy week

mind that jaemin is literally just listening to you & auntie talk

and he enjoys it cause you talk so comfortably in front of her :))

you decide to stay the whole day to give yourself a break

which meant you moved to your usual spot by the window

and auntie serving you (free) vanilla latte

you take out your camera and just start adjusting the lenses, trying to find the right frame

customers come and go so you dont get to talk to jaemin a lot that day

but its not like you came here for him,,,, right?¿??¿??

while you were thinking all that

jaemin was asking about you all day like

“so y/n’s favourite is vanilla?”

“does y/n prefer a latte over cappuccino?”

“i want to serve y/n something,,,, what would be the best??”

auntie: how many times did he mention y/n today omg

and as auntie answers

jaemin is thinking like

i wanna see y/n smile

and the entire day your auntie is like !!he :)))))

lmao same auntie same

so when the peak hours finish she goes

“i can take care of everything now, go talk to y/n”

and jaemin just smiles brighter than ever

so when he comes around, you startle

but it puts a smile on your face

because hes brought your favourite cake and just a smiling jaemin in front of you uwu

you both get to know more about each other like

how theres this two boys named chenle & jisung in the preparatory course whom he adores to death

or like

theres this jeno boy whose jokes suck jeno i love you

with a bonus of

you talking about how johnny’s english class is nothing but a comedian’s lesson

so that day went great

and now that you are comfortable

you visit the cafe to talk with jaemin more

even when you have a chill no stress week

it just makes you feel lighter by coming to the cafe now

and your auntie is hella happy that you two are getting along so well

it continues for weeks

just you and jaemin talking from time to time when the peak hours are over or before the cafe opens

you became best pals basically

he encouraged you to join more school projects cause hes sure your photography is worth the chance

you giving him daily support when he feels like he isnt doing the best for his course

sometimes when your aunt had to leave for a couple hours near closing time

you two just stayed there talking for a couple hours giving comfort to each other

late night lattes and cakes

also one time you got so excited from the bestest grades you got you might have hugged him without thinking oops

and one day, jaemin’s friend renjun is there when you come after school

and hes like “hi uh dont mind me im just here a bit because jaemin has to go somewhere after this and i dont want him to be late”

so you just,,, chill as jaemin kinda rushes

and when he goes to the storage room, you just see renjun getting along with the auntie lmao

auntie: “so i got offered this contract with the new type of beans? and idk if i should take it because that would mean i have to go out of the city,,,,”

renjun: “for how long?”

auntie: “two weeks maybe”

renjun: “oh thats fine, dont worry about it. jaemin can take over that. next two weeks right? his mandatory work experience ends this week”

so thats how renjun signed jaemin up to work alone for auntie without his consent

and aunties like “y/n!! it would be so much for just jaemin, you should help him :) your break starts next week right?”

so you also got signed up to this thing

fast forward to first day of break

aka the first time you “work” there

you are nervous and jaemin can feel it

“dont worry y/n, ill do all the talking and coffee, you just have to serve & clean!!”

so you try to calm down a bit

not to mention that you are also nervous cause its only jaemin and you in the room

but then he sees you fumbling with tying the apron and

jaemin says “here, give it, ill do it for you” while smiling a little

and from the back he wraps the apron around your waist,,,

and hes so close to you,,, your heart is fluttering

okay heart stop beating so fast pls thank you

and little do you know,,, jaemin is flushing a bit behind your back,,,

you are both the cutest mess

and you break the silence with a smol

“thanks :))”

trying to contain yourself from screaming

adapting to the serving side & keeping youself busy

you dont realise jaemin is literally admiring you the entire time as you get used to the job,,,,

here and then you forget how close you might be standing next to jaemin,,,

you kinda also realise how rEALLY attractive he looks serving everyone with a huge smile 24/7

and the way some customers are obviously attracted to him,,,,

but what you dont know is he is literally taking this chance to highkey flirt with you lmao

waves (sometimes winks) across the room

causally hovers over you when you cant find/reach smth

beaming the biggest smile every minute he gets to himself

and at first you panicked like ?!????

cause was this jaemin boy holding back for a whole month

is this his nature yes

but it makes you so happy to see him smiling all the time beside you

so jaemin yes its working

you gotta admit tho his flirty-ish behaviour grew on you this entire week djskjssj

a week of giggly smiles uwu

but the week after was unexpectedly the busiest of the busiest

you two forgot national holidays collided with the weekends and for some, it was a week off,,,,,,

so the week rushes by so quickly compared to the last one

it kind saved you tho cause your heart cant take more of that flirty behaviour

and finally,

the peak days are over,,,

and you realise its been a while since the cafe was just you,,,, and well jaemin but just no customers

the silence with faint sounds of cups cluttering,,,, you missed it

so then you go sit on the high chair

just admiring jaemin organise the shelves

he starts to prepare a new cup of coffee then realises you smiling at him “were you in awe at how effortless i look right now??”

you chuckle at his remark,,,

(needless to say that your are chuckling to hide how your heart is melting at his smirky smile)

so you twirl a bit shyly,, and avert the gaze to the familiar wood of the counter

asking him “do you remember the day we first saw each other, me sitting here and you serving the latte?”

“ofc, its the day i met an angel”

oh so confidently na jaemin really just said that

you quickly look up at him like !!!?!???!

and thats how he earned a first kiss (or rather a peck) from you

leaning over the counter and pecking you, a whole blushy mess

then comes a clink by the door

you juMp,,,,,,,

oof the customer may or may not have seen you two

you both rush around flushed like a tomato lmao

spending the rest of the day like nothing happened oops

and after the day ends, you two close the cafe

as you starting walking you are caught off guard when

jaemin just takes your hand,,,

“look y/n!! the stars are so pretty!!”

and starts swinging your arm like a tall child,,,

your heart is skippingnsjsjsjs

then at the corner, jaemin turns around and goes

“this is actually the place i first saw you”

and you ??¿?¿¿

“i saw you taking the photo of this night light shining into the cafe”

still hand in hand, jaemin steps a little closer

and takes his free hand to cup your face, kissing you,,,,

you smile into him as he kisses so softly, thinking

maybe the day i took that photo was a friday night

and melting into the kiss, you really think you are dreaming,,,,,

under the lights you once wished capturing a sparkling moment with the cafe in the back

its now you and jaemin in the frame,,,,

the boy who had you forgetting to breathe a month ago

whos now serving your favourite latte with a bonus of pecks on the cheek,,,,, (maybe on the lips if theres no one watching)

anyways

jaemin brings light to your life and you have never been this happy until you met him uwu

and it goes both ways, jaemin cant live without you now,,,, you are the best thing thats ever happened to him

(thank the heavens & your auntie)

oh and also johnny for pushing you to submit that article lmao plus huang renjun for that involuntary sign up

193 notes · View notes

maximows · 5 years

Text

Against the Odds - Chapter VII

Love you, Wifey,

MASTERLIST (mobile) AO3

Warnings: pure smut (right at the end), lil’ ass play, fluff, alcohol, drinking, honestly the smut scene it like two pages long

After 3 hours in the make-up chair, I was 100% positive my hair was going to fall out within the next week. Since I was blonde now, I had agreed to have it dyed to Wanda’s hair colour instead of using a wig. We were filming mostly in Atlanta and it’s May, so I just didn’t want another layer of silicone on me. Instead, I had to go through hair-dying two times, because they didn’t get to colour right the first time.

Dodger was sleeping on the couch in the corner of my trailer with a fan running directly on him, like a true diva. Chris has been shooting since early in the morning and he was already gone when I woke up, so the dog spent pretty much all the time with me.

I haven’t been feeling very well for the last few days. It was my first shooting day, but I came here with Chris a couple of days ago, because he started shooting earlier and I had some screen tests. I’ve been having some mild headaches during the day, which could turn into nearly unbearable ones in the evening. I’ve also been experiencing some sickness and was barely able to keep anything down, unless it was something very light.

They didn’t want to blow-dry my hair, because it makes it fuzzy, so I got to have a lunch break. Dodger followed me out and we went to Downey’s trailer. Robert had invited me for lunch earlier and I couldn’t say no, because he always has the nicest food on set and it doesn’t make me sick as much.

“Oh, hello, my brown-haired beauty!” he exclaimed when I was nearing his village. “I thought you’d never come.”

I approached him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Rob. They messed up my hair and had to do it all over again.”

“It’s fine, nobody shows up on time anyway,” he said and laid out a water bowl for Dodger. Dodger is now the official set pet. “Help yourself, honey. We have everything you like.”

I grabbed a chicken salad and sat at the table with Robert. “Who’s coming today?” I asked, stuffing the delicious food into my mouth.

“Well, Mackie should be here soon, Evans and Scarlett when they finish their scenes, Emily, as in VanCamp,” he saw my face, when he mentioned the last person. “I know you don’t love her, but...”

“It’s not that I don’t love her, I just don’t like being around people who say that I stole their role, because I slept with someone.” I said and took a sip of my smoothie.

“You’ve gotten feistier since I last saw you.” Rob chucked. “Is everything alright?”

I scratched Dodger’s head and sighed. “You’re not only our main feeder, but also a therapist,” I smiled. “Chris and I are having a bit of a rough time, I think. We, um, we bought that house together, then went on the Age of Ultron press tour together, now we’re filming this and we also agreed to do another movie together... It just started to seem like we are just trapped together. Well, he says that.”

“How is that a problem? Evans can’t stop talking about you when you’re not around and suddenly he feels like he’s in a trap?” Rob asked. “Honestly, I’ve known the guy for a few years now and you’re his longest relationship, so maybe it’s just his odd way of getting used to commitment or something.”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I try not to think about it, to be honest. He was talking about engagement like 3 months ago, so I figured it’s not commitment he’s uncomfortable with. Anyway, he’s been taking care of me now that I’m sick.”

“Give him a break, love. He’s a Gemini.” Robert nodded and turned around to see Anthony walk in, still wearing his suit.

“I hate this city, I hate this city,” he kept repeating under his breath. “Do ya’ll have any ice I can eat?” He sat back on a chair and sighed loudly.

“Have any one of you had any scenes today?” he asked. “Because it’s fucking hot out in the sun and I wouldn’t let my worst enemy work in that heat.”

While Mackie was complaining, Emily joined us and sat on the other side of the table. Our relations have been very, very tense, since I found out what he has been talking about me. She was stupid enough to spread those things amongst people who knew me.

So. I oncereceived a text from Aaron. “I didn’t know you were already dating Chris at that party at his place in February”

It was just a casual text, he basically wanted to express his shock, when he found out we were appearently already a couple at that time.

“We weren’t. We met that night. Who told you that?” I replied.

“Emily VanCamp is working on a movie with Sam and she told her, and I quote ‘I actually almost got to work on a movie with your husband too, but Emilia Dawson started to magically date Chris Evans right when the auditions started and suddenly I lost the job.’”

What a fucking bitch, I thought. To be honest, I had no idea she auditioned for my role. I got an invitation to audition, but the process was incredibly fast and I figured they considered me to be the only candidate.

“Looks like she’s just mad I got “her" role. I hope she hasn’t been spreading those rumours around too much.”

That’s why we are not on speaking terms, but that’s alright, because her contract expires after Civil War. I’ve never been mean to anyone on set and, to be honest, I’m not mean towards her either, I just don’t speak to her. Chris was trying to talk me into solving this issue with her, but that’s not my thing to do. She should’ve just shut her mouth and thought this through.

I felt my headache kick in again, so I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “I really hate this city.” I mumbled.

“Hey, maybe you want me to get you to an air-conditioned room?” Anthony asked. “I mean, the heat must be just making it much worse.”

“No, I’m fine. I just didn’t have to time to adjust here It’s probably just a late jet lag. I’ve never reacted well to heat.” I explained. “I already filmed one scene with Scarlett and I only have a few more takes to do today.”

Both Anthony and Robert sighed. “You’re just too stubborn.”

Because of the temperature, my hair dried out quickly, so the make-up team notified Joe and Anthony that I’m ready to work. They put me into a jacket and leather pants, which didn’t help my condition. I left Dodger with Robert, even though he didn’t really want to stay there without me. Probably because he was getting bad vibes from Emily.

Chris was waiting for me on the set. He had been doing some shots with Mackie, who was supposed to join us soon.

“Hi,” Chris wrapped his arm around me and kissed my head. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright,” I lied. “I’ll probably get used to the temperature in a few days and I’ll be completely fine.” I explained, pulling away from him.

“Em, you got up in the middle of the night to throw up and were covered in cold sweat when I woke up today,” he whispered. “I’m not saying it’s something serious, but you’re obviously not comfortable…”

I rolled my eyes at him and watched Joe walk up to us for instructions. We were supposed to do a few simple sequences of Wanda and Steve fighting together against Crossbones. I mainly had to do gestures with my hands and fingers, so it wasn’t very tiring. Sometimes I had to do some running and that was all. Chris kept checking on me, making sure I’m not about to faint. I wasn’t. We had a few retakes, but I was as fine as I could possibly be.

At some point, I had to wait for my turn to show up at the end of Steve and Crossbones’ fight. At first, I had to contain energy from a made up explosion with Chris and Frank in the shot. Then they left and I had a few single takes. I had been practicing my choreography a lot and my headache was helping a lot with showing actual struggle on my face.

“Okay, cut!” Anthony yelled and I felt my legs turn into jelly. I started to feel a little bit dizzy and weak. I fell down and that was the last thing I remembered.

I regained my consciousness feeling very cold air around my body. I still had a knot in my stomach and felt I could throw up any minute, but at least my head wasn’t exploding anymore. I was laying on a bed with something under my legs to keep them up.

I felt someone’s hand on my bare calf, one finger brushing over my skin. I opened my eyes slowly to see Chris sitting right next to me, doing something on his phone. There were I’ve bags around my head and stomach and I was only wearing my underwear.

“Chris?” I mumbled and he reacted instantly and came to my side along with a paramedic.

“Dawson, I’m going to kill you for ignoring your health later.” He said and I could hear concern in his voice and saw it on his face.

“Ms. Dawson, we figured it’s be better for you to rest in our medical area rather than transfer you to the hospital right away. We have some tests to run and we’ll probably hook you up to IV, but I do need to ask some questions.” The paramedic said, taking out a form.

I tried to lift myself up on my elbows, but they stopped me. “I wouldn’t do that, you’re still very weak, Miss.” She said, trying to hold me down on the bed.

She asked me a few questions about my allergies, medical history and symptoms. “How long have you been feeling unwell?”

“About 3 or 4 days probably.” I answered. “But I get a few days of headaches every year when it starts to get hot, it’s normal for me.”

“She also has been throwing up.” Chris interrupted. The woman glared at him, because he probably wasn’t supposed to get involved.

“Is that true, Ms. Dawson?” she asked me.

“Yes,” I nodded. “It happens during the night or in the morning.”

She raised her eyebrow and moved her gaze from me to Chris and to me again. “Are you on any kind of birth control?”

“Yes, I’m on pills.” I said, looking at Chris who seemed to be looking at the wall above me, because of the topic we were stepping into.

She reached to her bag and took out a pregnancy test. Why does she even have those? How often do actresses find out they’re pregnant on set?

“I need to be sure you’re not pregnant, if I’m going to put you on IV or other medication,” she explained. “Drink some water now, wait 30 minutes and then take the test.”

She left the room, leaving Chris and I silently staring at the box. He finally moved and brought me a glass of water. “It’s not possible, is it?” he asked quietly. I knew it wasn’t possible. I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I took my pills every day, 11 o’clock on the dot.

“I barely eat or drink during the day, so when I have a snack in the evening…”

“You what?” he raised his voice. “Emilia, I carried you here and I realised that you lost weight, but I didn’t know you haven’t been eating. I assumed it was because you couldn’t keep anything down.”

“Well, I couldn’t keep anything down, so I only are maybe one meal a day,” I explained. “And I know it sounds fucking stupid, but…”

“No buts!” Chris snapped “I know we haven’t been talking much lately, but I can’t believe you had to lose consciousness for almost an hour to realise that you might need a doctor. I thought that, if you never said anything maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

I sat up slowly and reached out for Chris’ hand. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “We’ve been busy here and I genuinely thought it was just heat and some bad food combined.”

He looked down at me and pulled me against him. “Don’t ever do that again, alright?” he whispered against my head. “Em, I was so scared when you collapsed. This last hour…”

“I’m better now.” I said. “I’ll take the test and she’ll give me some meds. Tomorrow we start filming indoors, so I’ll be ok.”

Chris’ eyes wandered off to look at the test. “About the test…”

“Chris, I’m not pregnant.” I stated quickly, making sure he doesn’t get his hopes up.

He chuckled. “I know, I’m not going to bring up kids until you say you’re ready.” He clarified. “I just meant to ask if it was even possible, because the morning sicknesses checked out.”

We waited a little bit more and I went to the bathroom to take the test. I set it on the sink and went back to Chris, who was texting again. “I called your mom, by the way.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I sighed. “I’m surprised she hasn’t called me yet.”

“Well, your phone’s not here, so I’ll just text her that everything’s alright and you’ll call her later.” Chris said. “By the way, I was supposed to yell at you for ignoring your health issues.”

“I get it, I’m stupid.” I snuggled into his side. “Why haven’t you been talking to me, Chris?”

Chris sighed and, even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew his mouth was slightly open and he was thinking of things to say. “You know how we signed up for over a year of working together, right?” he started and I nodded. “Well, I always thought that people in a relationship should, you know, have their own things and I thought that we would get tired of each other while living and working together.”

Looking at the fact, that not so long ago he was talking about engagement, I was really surprised by what he was worried about. “Chris, how far have you gone with your previous girlfriends? Because, if moving in together is overwhelming for you, then I can’t imagine what a wedding would feel like.”

Luckily for Chris, the paramedic came back with a doctor and he didn’t have to respond right now. They checked the test, and because it came out negative, they put me on IV for a while. It turned out that I was dehydrated (not surprising) and suffered from a light heat stroke and had a food poisoning.

I got some meds to help tone down my symptoms and then I was released. Chris and I drove back to our rented house. He then left to walk Dodger out and I sat on the sofa and phoned my Mum.

“Chris told me that you’ve been unwell for some time and did nothing about it, Emilia.” She complained. “He’s such a good guy.”

My mum talking about how she feels when she can’t be with me in moments like that and how dad reacted when she told him. I was mad about that, because I didn’t see it as such a huge thing.

Chris came back and my mum heard that, because she was on speaker. “Hello, Christopher! Thank you so much for letting me know! I would’ve have to find out from the press, if it wasn’t for you.”

I rolled my eyes at her words as Chris approached me and sat on the edge of the sofa where I was lying. “It’s alright, Mrs. Dawson. I just wish Em would take care of herself more.” He said, which made my jaw drop.

“Says the guy who smells like an ashtray.” I mumbled. “Anyway, Mum, did dad also start swooning at the mention of Chris when you told him how he took care of me today?” I asked sarcastically, pushing Chris away from me.

“No, I think he still remembers that thing he said on the late night show,” Mum said and I started to laugh so hard my stomach started to hurt again. “I mean, you guys do your own thing, but I don’t think you had to say it on television, Chris.”

I couldn’t contain my laughter, especially because he didn’t know what Mum was talking about. “I love fucking girls in the butt.” I choked out and Chris suddenly became very embarrassed.

“I didn’t know he watched my appearances on the TV,” Chris said. “Had I known, I wouldn’t have drank alcohol before the recording.”

At some point my mum had to go and we were left alone with our unfinished conversation. “So… do you want tea?”

I rolled my eyes again. “Someone’s having commitment issues…” I sang. He wrapped his arms around me and laid us down together on the sofa.

“Alright, girlfriend,” he murmured. “I have never in my life proposed to anyone, if that’s what you want to know. I’ve only once officialy bought a place with a girlfriend, the rest were just sleeping at mine from time to time.”

I raised my eyebrow and reached under his shirt to pull on his dog tag. “So I don’t get it. First you demand commitment and now you're like ‘let's spend as much time apart as we can'.”

“Well,” he sighed. “In fairness, you’re the more mentally mature one and you shouldn’t listen to the shit I say. I’ve only ever worked with one of my girlfriends and we broke up before the movie premiered. That was my only long term relationship, so thought it’s just something i shouldn't do.”

“Age of Ultron has been out for some time and doing fine, so...” I shrugged and snuggled into his chest. “I think we do have our own things anyway, so you shouldn’t be worried about that. You’re the reason I sold my flat in NY and we moved in together, so suck it up Mister. Anyway, you’re the one who’s doing only one movie after Civil War. I’m also filming a TV series in September and another movie in March, so we’ll get our dose of alone time.”

Chris chuckled and kissed my forehead. “Alright, let’s just not get on each other's nerves and we're golden.”

“Now go make me a sandwich, I’m getting hungry.” I mumbled into his chest.

“You mean a grinder?” he corrected me, pronouncing it more as ‘grindah’.

“Not this again.”

I started to take my meds regularly for a few days and I got much better. To make sure the situation doesn’t happen again, the Russos decided to film all of my indoors scenes first, so could get on with work, but also avoid a similar situation.

Chris had started to treat me more like a baby than usual. He was present while I was filming all of my scenes, also the ones he wasn’t involved with. I was very uncomfortable with giving Paul Bettany romantic looks when my boyfriend was right next to me. I mean, I didn’t insist on being there when he shoot that uncalled for kiss between Steve and Sharon.

Around mid-June we got a week off from filming, so Chris and flew back to LA. It was the first time we were staying at the new house, since the renovating team had finished it while we were gone.

Dodger had no problems getting used to his new home. Chris also seemed to love it, even though it wasn’t his first choice. And I was utterly in love with this house. Every day, when I woke up, I had a sunrise in front of me, sneaking through the windows. I looked at Chris, who’s still asleep peacefully and snuggled into him. Even in his sleep, he pulls me closer to him and kisses my shoulder. It’s heaven.

On Friday the 12th, Chris’ friends visited him from Boston to celebrate his birthday. They had an all-boys night with snooker, beers, whisky, American football and stakes, so I let them be and left to run some errands and for a meeting with Jeremy. I had agreed to do an independent movie next year and after reading the script, I thought that the other lead role would be perfect for Jeremy, so I asked him for a meeting.

I walked around a few shops, not really knowing what I wanted to buy, but ended up buying a cute set of pyjamas, jeans and a pair of high heeled shoes.

“Hi, Jer!” I greeted him as he stood up from the table. “How are you?”

“You saw me a few days ago, not much has changed,” he smiled and pulled out the chair for me. “Anyway, you got me interested in that movie.”

I handed him my script. Taylor had asked me not to make any copies, so Jeremy had to read at least a part of it here. We ordered our food and discussed some parts of the movie. “Have they told you where you’d film this?” he asked.

“They’re thinking of Utah in spring,” I answered. “It’s about 5 weeks of filming, but I looked up the locations and they’re incredible, Jer.”

Jeremy seemed very interested in doing the movie. “I’m just a bit worried, you know. I barely got joint custody for my daughter, because my ex tried to prove I don’t have enough time to properly raise a child, so I was actually thinking of having some time off.”

“I mean, I’m not trying to persuade you or anything,” I clarified. “Taylor only mentioned that they still need a male lead, so I asked him for characteristics and thought of you. I’m gonna give you Taylor’s number so you can discuss some matters with him, if you have any other questions.”

Jeremy nodded, putting the script aside. “Anyway, where’s Evans?

“His birthday is tomorrow and his mates from Boston are visiting, so I have house full of Bostonians,” I said. “They’re spending the night, too.”

“You’re in for a loud night,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, but I actually have an invitation to a club for a few of my friends, so I might just do that.” I shrugged. “Seems a bit odd to leave Chris the night before his birthday, but I wouldn’t want to crash their evening either.”

“Good call, guys get super mad when their buddies girlfriends join,” Jeremy said. “How are you two? I gotta be honest, I was pretty sceptical about your relationship at first. Not that I didn’t like you, Em, everyone fucking adores you, but on set relationships have ruined a lot of fun on set.”

I took a bite out of my chicken and said, “We have our ups and downs, but it’s great. So, unless we have a fight, we won’t be ruining the atmosphere.”

“Evans is a great guy, but he’s still lucky to have you,” He grinned. “Honestly, when I met him, I just couldn’t imagine him in an actual, serious relationship and now he responds to the snap of your fingers.”

I laughed out loud, knowing exactly that it’s not true. “Well, that’s a bit of an overstatement.”

We joked a bit more about Chris and talked the Wanda and Hawkeye relationship in the comics, which is sort of a father-daughter thing. It was really fun, especially when be realised that he could, in fact, be my father.

“I’m sorry, I can’t stay longer, but I left Ava with a sitter.”

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “Anyway, I really hope we get to work together again soon, not only for Marvel.”

“And I’m waiting for a housewarming party invitation.”

Jeremy walked me back to my car and we said our goodbyes. I had already noticed a photographer while we were inside, so I was positive that there would be a story about me cheating on my boyfriend with Jer.

It was still early and I knew that Chris hasn’t even started the proper party yet, so I decided to actually go to the club. I got invited by some friends I made on the set of Tudors, who have now also moved to LA.

I didn’t drink, since I had my car with me, but we mainly sat at out table and talked. It’s been too long since we had previously spoken, so it was nice to catch up. At some point we started to dance and I lost track of time.

It’s been too long since I went clubbing and it felt so good to just to close my eyes and not think about anything. I need to take Chris out to a club sometime soon. We’d have a lot of fun.

I think it was around 2 am when I decided it was about time to go back home. I could barely stand on my feet from all this dancing and had to take my shoes off to drive normally.

When I arrived home, the lights were still on. I was hoping to get inside quietly and go to the bedroom, but as soon as I walked in, Dodger started to bark. I bet he wasn’t a fan of the noise.

“Shhh, buddy. Come on, don’t be like that.” I scratched him behind the ear.

Chris came downstairs to greet me at the door and I saw that it took a lot for him not to fall down the stairs. “Hey, babe,” he blurted out. He wasn’t overly drunk, but I would say that he should've stopped drinking about 3 shots ago. “Where ‘ave you been?” His Boston accent was back from spending half the day with his childhood friends. I was kind of loving it.

“I met up with Jeremy and then went out with some friends,” I said and kissed him quickly. “Happy birthday.”

“Oh, God, don’t mention it,” He mumbled and connected out lips in a kiss again. He tasted like alcohol and cigars, which is exactly how I imagine their party would look like. “I hate gettin' old.”

“Old or not, I love you, Evans.” I whispered and made him grin.

“You’re an angel, you know that?” I could see how much he had to focus to say those things out loud properly. “Come on, let me show ya off to the guys a little.”

I rolled my eyes and climbed the stairs with his arm wrapped around me, probably for balance. “Fellas, this is my girl, Emilia,” he said, presenting me almost like Will Smith did with Jada in that one photo. “Some of you have met her, some haven’t been blessed yet.”

“Hey,” I waved at them almost awkwardly. “Don’t worry, I’ll just get something to drink and I’m running upstairs.”

“Why? You should stay with us.” Adam pointed at a spot next to him. “You’re all Chris talks about, anyway.”

“Yeah, I may have never met you, but literally know everything about you,” said the guy that introduced himself as Sam. “Ain’t your fault though, he’s obsessed.”

“I’m sorry, I have no idea what’s gotten into him.” I shrugged. “Anyway, I’m getting myself some wine and I’m gone. Chris, try to change the subject, alright?”

Chris pouted and let me go. I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself a glass of wine and a small bowl of strawberries. I rushed upstairs, taking Dodger with me, grabbed my laptop from the study and set it all on the bedside table. I took a quick shower and changed into my newly bought pyjamas, which I knew Chris will love once he sees it.

I buried myself under the sheets and played a random episode of The Office. Dodger laid down next to my legs, setting his head on my lap for him to scratch. This is the thing he’s takes after his owner. “You’re such an attention seeker, buddy.” He just sighed, signalling that he couldn’t care less, he just wants his petting time.”

I downed my glass very fast and didn’t get a refill, even though I wanted to. At some point I feel asleep with the show still on, Dodger laying down high enough to reach my shoulders and half the bowl of strawberries set on the keyboard.

I woke up to the sound Chris stumbling on the floor. He took the laptop and the bowl off the bed and tried to climb on to the bed without waking me up, but failed.

“You’re such a clumsy drunk, love,” I mumbled against my pillow. “What time is it?”

“It’s, uh, half past 4.” He said, taking off his trousers.

I shifted on my elbows to look at him struggle with the famous red belt which obviously was too complicated to figure out now. “Here, let me help you, old man.” I laughed and sat up on the bed to help him undress.

He gave up and laid back on the bed, before noticing my clothes. “Are these NASA PJs?” He asked.

I smiled and nodded. “You forbid me from buying you any presents so I decided to buy one for myself.”

Suddenly, he wasn’t so helpless anymore and wrestled me down to lay under him. “You’re sadly mistaken, if you think that it’s only a gift for you, fool.”

I turned on the bed to give him a good view of the booty shorts covered with NASA logos. Chris hissed and bent down to leave a few kisses on my thigh and butt. “Fucking amazing.” He whispered to himself, before biting down on my soft flesh.

“Chris!” I squealed, because he wasn’t gentle. Dodger woke up and barked at us.

He sat back and looked at me. “Honestly, I’m so drunk, full and tired that even the sight of this sweet ass isn’t keeping me alive.” He said in such a sad voice that I felt kind of bad for him.

Chris just sighed and threw himself on the bed next to me and brought me as close to him as possible. “Goodnight, Angel.” He whispered and kissed my ear.

“Goodnight, love.” I chuckled and feel asleep.

I woke up a little bit over 5 hours later, again because of Chris, who started to snore unbearably. He was sprawled out on the bed, barely leaving space for me. And that was impressive, because our bedroom bed was huge. Dodger spent the night in his bed on the floor, because once Chris came back, he didn’t leave much space for his rommies.

I got up and went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and rushed downstairs with Dodger, who demanded a breakfast right away. I gave him his food and found some leftover pasta for myself. I ate it, made myself some lemon and lime water to go and took Dodger on a walk. First, we went up the hill so he could run around and have some fun. I threw him some sticks and tried to teach him how to fetch, but he was being too playful. I wanted to jog a little bit, but it was too hot and I didn’t want to tire myself out again.

We walked back home, but I let Dodger in to the car and we drove to the shops. I wanted to buy some ingredients for the breakfast I was planning. Chris’ friends were leaving today, late in the afternoon, so we still had to find some entertainment until 7pm.

Having used up a lot of his energy, Dodger was politely walking around by me, not caring around other people or dogs. I bought everything I needed, including more water and Coke and drove back home.

As I suspected, it was almost 11am and none of them have woken up. I went up to the kitchen and placed everything in the fridge, before preparing crust for my breakfast pizza.

“You’re always hungry, aren’t you?” I grinned at Dodger who wouldn’t let me out of his sight, hoping to get some of the smoked chicken I was slicing, which he loves so much he tries to nick it off the counter. At some point he got tired of standing, so he laid down and kept checking on me once in a while.

I made 8 doughs, chopped some meat and vegetables and made a sauce, so everything was ready for me to pop into the oven.

“Am I in hell?” I heard Chris’ low, hoarse voice on the stairs. He was only wearing black jogging pants and no shirt. He had just taken a shower and, I hope, brushed his teeth. “Because it fucking feels like it.”

I giggled at him, but also felt bad for the state he was in. “Do you want some water? It’s ice cold.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He mumbled and sat on the stool at the kitchen counter. I brought him the glass and kissed him on the head. “God, you're too good to me.”

I walked around the kitchen island and put one pizza in the oven. It shouldn’t be long until it’s done. “Do you want some painkillers?” I asked.

“Do we have any?” he lifted his head rapidly, too rapidly apparently. He groaned in pain. “Fucking alcohol.”

I found the pills and refilled his glass. “My poor baby,” I stoked his wet hair, pulling him in for a hug. “At least you had fun.”

He nodded and set his head on my shoulder. “I’m dying...” He whispered and I barely could hold my laughter. “I regret the fun.”

“I mean, you’re 34 today, so...” I chuckled.

“Fuck you,” he muttered. “God, I wish I had the strength to actually fuck you.”

I tilted my head to the side, smiling sweetly at him. “Take the pills. You go upstairs and I’ll wait for the pizza to be done, then I’ll come to the bedroom, feed you and then fuck you.”

Chris groaned and stood up. “Love you, wifey,” I raised my eyebrow at the nickname. “Too much?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I like it, it’s alright.”

Even though he was still a wreck, Chris smiled at me and went up the stairs. “We’re so fucking cheesy.”

I waited a few more minutes for the pizza to be done, sliced it and went upstairs. At this point, I was really hoping Chris' friends wouldn't wake up for at least another hour.

Chris was laying on the bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. I shut the door and he turned his gaze to me. “I got way too drunk to be treated this good today.” He said.

I climbed on to the bed and handed my boyfriend a glass of Coke. „Drink this,” I said, rubbing his bare chest. He didn’t have a shirtless scene in Civil War, so they didn’t make him wax his chest, and as much as I never like hairy chests, he had the right amount of hair. The only scene that allowed him to show the incredible shape he got into, was the helicopter scene, which as I told him “could literally replace our foreplay”.

“I really hope these will help, ‘cause I’m guessing you’re not into necrophilia.” He chuckled dryly, referring to the pills he took.

“I can’t believe it’s the first time I’m seeing you hangover.” I said.

“Well, I had to show you my better side, so you wouldn’t want to leave me in the beginning,” he answered. “What do you mean ‘you can’t believe it’s the first time’?”

“Brits and Bostonians have a lot in common,” I shrugged. “As in, both like to drink until we throw up. Did you throw up today?”

Chris looked at me and grinned. “None of your business,” He sat up on the bed, leaning on the headboard. “Now give me my food, woman.”

He ate his pizza while talking about what they did while I was away or asleep. I couldn’t understand how grown up men could entertain themselves in the exact same way I did with my friends 5 years ago, when I was first allowed to drink. “In all honesty, you’re all just a bunch of immature boys.”

“I know,” he shrugged, his mouth full. “Half of them uses Tinder for one-night stands and haven’t been in a serious relationship for a while.”

“Do they have a problem with that?”

“Not really, but they do have a weird look on serious relationships,” he answered, taking sip of Coke. “They thought that as soon as you come back, the party would be over.

I raised my eyebrow. “And as we can clearly see by the state of my boyfriend, the fun continued for a long time after I came back.”

Chris smiled sweetly and grabbed my hand. “Yeah, because your boyfriend’s more into long term relationships, I guess.”

“Oh, I know that, I’ve known that for a long time, “ I said. “That’s why it took me less than a month to know he was worthy of taking my virginity.”

Chris tilted his head to the side. “Less than a month? We did it after 5 weeks.”

“When I was already halfway through my first month of birth control,” I explained, moving my hand from his chest down to his abdomen. “Anyway, Cap might not we worthy of wielding Thor’s hammer, but he’s definitely worthy of hammering into me anytime he wishes.”

Chris choked on the food and started to laugh so loudly, I was sure he would take everyone up. “Holy, hell,” he choked out. “I want that on a shirt and I want you to wear it all the time.” That comment seemed to energize him a little bit, so I decided it was time. Also, I was super horny. I moved to sit on Chris’ thighs and removed my shirt to reveal a thin, white bra. “Oh, Cap’s gettin’ laid.”

I smirked and moved down to hover over his calves, so my head was right above his abdomen. “Let me suck you off, daddy.” I whispered, before lowering my lips to leave wet kisses on his lower stomach, my fingers toying with the strings at the waistband of his pants. It’s been a long time since I‘d gone down on Chris and I didn’t even have enough will power to make him wait. I pulled down his pants and boxers, revealing his half erect length. I looked deep into Chris’ eyes and felt my mouth start to water. I sat back for a second and tied my hair into a ponytail.

“Oh, it’s gonna be good.” Chris mumbled as he saw me do that. I smirked and sunk back down to attach my lips to the base of his cock and lick all the way up to the tip. I rested my hands on his hips and locked my lips around the tip, swirling my tongue around it, tasting his pre-cum. I released him and smiled at Chris who was watching me with his mouth open and eyes half-shut.

I wrapped my hand around him and sunk down to the base of his cock again, but this time moved lower to play with his balls. I’d suck on few spots and give it small licks, toying with his balls, as my hand was stroking up and down his shaft, tugging at it, its movements moisturized by the leaking pre-cum. I hear Chris’ light moans as my lips became more forceful in toying with his sensitive area. I moved away to take a breath and sank down to wrap my mouth around Chris’ throbbing cock. I hollowed my cheeks around him, reaching as far as I can go and covering the rest with my palm. Chris jerked his hips forward, making me take him even further. I moved my hands to fondle his balls, as my lips reached the base. I moaned as he hit the back of my throat and Chris immediately responded to the vibrations caused by it. “Fuck yes, babygirl,” He groaned and grabbed my ponytail and gently guided me to work my mouth up and down his shaft. “You’re so good to me.” he mumbled between heavy breaths.

I kept up the pace, feeling Chris’ dick twitch inside my mouth. My boyfriend was squirming a lot under me, as his orgasm approached. I sucked on the side of his shaft, moving up and down, along the visible veins. Seeing Chris throw his head back, I took his whole length into my mouth again, bobbing my head up and down and waiting for him to reach his orgasm. “Fuck, I’m going to come, baby,” he whined. “Stop, I don’t want to come yet.”

“I’ll get you hard again,” I breathed out, giving myself a very quick break to catch a breath. I sunk down again, trying to finish Chris off. He always lasts very long, but that’s really the opposite of a problem. As Chris groaned loudly, I felt him twitch inside my mouth as he released is load. I swallowed every last drop and licked his cock clean, looking him straight in his eyes.

Chris was panting heavily and shifted on his elbows. “Emily,” he sighed, barely able to say anything. “I could barely stop myself from proposing to you in the middle of a blowjob.”

He sat up leaning on the head board again. I smiled and straddled his thighs, gently tracing veins on his shaft, which was a bit softer now. “I know, I know,” I whispered. “I enjoyed that too.”

Chris moved his hands up and down my hips. He reached behind me to unhook my bra and pulled it off my chest. “Mm, yeah,” He placed his palms on my breasts and started to fondle them. “Come ‘ere.” he mumbled and pulled my chest against his face to attach his lips to my nipple. I gasped as he bit down lightly. I started to gently grind on his dick, rubbing my wet pussy against him. Without his mouth leaving my skin, he reached his hand to my butt and slapped it, before grabbing one cheek firmly. I put my hands on the back of his neck, supporting myself as I rubbed against his length, waiting for him to be hard again. “Babygirl, you’re so good to me.” He breathed on my wet nipple, giving me a tingly sensation. He grabbed both of my cheeks and started massaging them with the same pace I was rubbing against him.

I reached down with my hand and grabbed his semi-hard cock, guiding it against my entrance. I rubbed the tip against my folds, causing both of us to moan loudly. “We probably should be a little bit more quiet.” I breathed out.

“Fuck it, these losers should know you’re the best thing that even happened to me,” He mumbled as I sank down onto his cock. We kept the eye contact as I moved down until he was completely buried inside me. “We should stay like this all day.” Chris said quietly, taking a deep breath.

I started to move up and down, as he started thrusting up. I was already very turned on, after going down on Chris, so I was very close to my first orgasm. I was breathing heavily with my forehead against Chris’ and the know in my stomach tightened. “You feel so good inside me,.” I muttered. “Faster, daddy.”

I came for the first time, gripping Chris’ bicep tightly, trying not to wake up the whole house. It sped up my heart rate, I couldn’t stop letting out little moans, releasing tension from my body. Chris wrapped his arm around my waist to bring me closer to him and thrust faster into my pussy. His other hand was still roaming on my ass cheeks. I felt my walls tighten and a smirk appeared on Chris’ face. He was panting at the same rate as I was. “Since it’s my birthday,” he hummed against my lips. “can we try something new?”

A smile formed on my lips, because I knew what he was asking for. “I guess you weren’t joking about loving fucking girls in the butt.”

“I’m not gonna fuck you in the butt now,” He said, giving me a little, soft kiss on the lips. “I just wanna play a lil’.”

Chris brought his forefinger to my mouth. “Suck it, baby.” I wrapped my lips around his finger, twirling my tongue around it, using extra saliva. Chris slowed down the pace and I swayed my hips to the sides and around, trying to reach different spots. He moved his finger to my butthole, circling around it. I opened my mouth, experiencing something I never have. His finger started to enter my hole and it gave me a weird, but pleasurable sensation. He was very gentle and slow, trying not to cause me any pain.

“I’m so close,” I mumbled and connected our lips. I moved my tongue with his, twirling around it. I felt the knot again, everything in front of me became blurry and I couldn’t speak property. While Chris’ finger was fingering me, the other hand reached my clit to rub it and speed up my orgasm. I was barely able to control my muscles and not collapse onto Chris. I felt overstimulated and helpless.

“You like daddy fingering your tight little hole, huh?” Chris whispered. “Who’s doing that to you, huh?”

I wasn’t able to speak, because of the speed Chris was pounding into me at an incredibly fast speed. I came hard on his dick, as he removed his finger from my hole, stopped rubbing my clit and just brought my body tightly against his.

Chris came right after me, with a last, hard thrust, staying inside me and shooting his load into me. He turned us to lay on our sides, out bodies still intertwined. We were both panting heavily, unable to stabilize our breaths and heart rates. Chris took a few loose strands of hair from my wet forehead and tucked them behind my ear. He then kissed my nose.

“Let’s take a nap, princess,” he whispered. “You deserve it.”

@daybreak96 @coffeebooksandfandom @smilexcaptainx @betinalunardi @rollinsuh @lily2089@stella2445@hy-pocrite @l0rd-disick @beholdoritou @klaussstilinski@achishisha@givenchymercury @just-trying-to-survive-marvel @henry-cavill-gossip-girl @rock-titties @bombsandsparkles @marvel-fan23 @cap-just-said-language @blackaestheticislife @justsomemarvelspam @nerdchester17 @shyofaspark @cssrogersse@crispyearthquakezombie@ultragalaxy @bit-of-a-timelord @kingofallthingsz@morguleth@calicokitkat @areelphony@gemgemswift @donut-crazs@dontchawishyouknewhowtosalsa@kandomeresbitch @deafeningpsychicpandahands @severely-theoretic@chmedic @patzammit@winterssoliderss @metalarmlover @saturnki @coolkimchijoy16 @sammyjammy92@coolkimchijoy16 @peruvian-bae @avngersx

#chris evans #chris evans smut #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fic #chris evans x reader #chris evans blurb #chris evans imagine #fanfic

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julianmakesmydickhard · 5 years

Text

uncomfortably deep and personal questions

questions here

————

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

thankfully, me and my mom are super close.... we don’t talk about my dad tho

02: Who’s the last person you said “i love you” too?

man, i tell everyone that i love them. i truly love everyone that shows even the slightest bit of kindness towards me

03: Do you regret anything?

yes,

04: Are you insecure?

oh yea. part of it is my introverted, soft spoken personality, and part of it is just how negatively i see myself oop

05: What is your relationship status?

single, unfortunately lol

06: How do you want to die?

painlessly. the pain that comes with death is what scares me the most i think

07: When did you last eat?

lunch!! i had a bomb ass colombian dish,, man do my people know how cook good food

08: Played any sports?

does show choir count?? aggressive dancing with aggressive singing??

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope

10: When was your last physical fight?

i know i say that i want to slap people sometimes, but i’ve never actually done it

11: Do you like someone?

y’all, im always attracted to someone sksksk

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yup

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

yes, but we don’t talk about him

14: Do you miss someone?

oh god yes...

15: Have any pets?

yes!! i have one lil doggie

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m very tired lol. it’s like 11pm which is v late for me since i have 7am classes

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nope, bathrooms are gross

18: Are you scared of spiders?

yes, have you seen them??

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

yes, imagine all the things you could change or prevent

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

honestly, it’s been a while, i don’t really remember

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

i’m gonna go see a play that one of my friends is starring in on saturday and then i’m gonna celebrate my birthday with my doggo on sunday

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

ahh, this is such a difficult question. i want to give my kids the childhood that i never got. but what happens if by some circumstance, i give them the childhood i had, and negatively impact their life through it?

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i just have my ears pierced

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

english and art! math and science are my worst. i guess i function best when i’m able to use the creative and imaginative side of me whereas i fail when logic and reason come into play

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes yes yes and yes

26: What are you craving right now?

blueberries

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

no, never

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no. unless something changed in their heart and they, for some reason, felt bad for treating me so badly, and decided to weep, no

30: What’s irritating you right now?

so many things ahhh,, why do i have to be so introverted? why am i so deperate to find love, when it keeps biting me in the butt?.why can’t i make friends as easily as other people?

31: Does somebody love you?

honestly, i don’t think anyone does, maybe only my mother?

32: What is your favourite color?

auburn

33: Do you have trust issues?

oh god i wish i did. i wish i was able to keep people at a distance. i let people in and basically ask them to use my secrets, my insecurities, my whatever, to break me. and then the cycle goes on and on

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamt about me meeting billie eilish a couple of days ago. it was v nice

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i don’t know lol, there’s not a lot of people around to see me cry i guess

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

yea, it’s not good i know

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

no, but it’s definitely not the worst, and i’m thankful for that

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

i don’t remember, but i do know that i was v late to the game

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

god no

51: Favourite food?

colombian food, thai food, japanese food

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i want to believe this, but sometimes shitty things happen and i’m like wow, there’s literally no benefit or reason to why this happened except to make me feel like shit

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

kissed my doggo goodnight

54: Is cheating ever okay?

if you’re my friend, i’m just gonna say that even if you’ve cheated on someone before, i don’t see you as less of a person or a friend. people make mistakes, and it’s also part of who i am: someone who tried to look past the bad and see the good, ahhh i don’t know how to explain this the right way but i hope you understand my pov. anyways, i’ve been cheated on before and it sucked balls. so no, i don’t think it’s ever ok in a relationship. but i also don’t think that it’s something that should affect your friendship with someone. i think cheating is something that needs to be dealt with among the cheater and the cheated and shouldn’t bleed into your friendship with a random, uninvolved person. but you can totally disagree with me and that’s fine!! everyone is subject to their own opinion based on their own experiences and personalities etc.

55: Are you mean?

i don’t think so!! but then again, i can’t really be the judge of that lol. i try my hardest to be the friend that i’ve always wanted, if that makes sense. i try to be kind, and supportive, and positive, and there for them, etc.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

no one, ive never gotten into a physical fight

57: Do you believe in true love?

it’s not that i believe in true love, it’s that i hope and pray for it. i hope that one day i’ll find it

58: Favourite weather?

cold, cloudy, people walking around in big, fluffy jackets and scarves

59: Do you like the snow?

yes! i saw snow for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago!

60: Do you wanna get married?

ahhhh,, my parents set a really bad example for good marriage. my parents’ marriage taught me that men can change over time. and that once they’re safe in the bounds of marriage, theyll stop their act, get tired of you, and act like a totally new person. and that... scares me. i don’t want a husband like my dad and i’m so afraid that the same situation will happen to me

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

yes, names like baby, sweetheart, love, honey etc. make my heart weak

62: What makes you happy?

real friends, tight hugs, platonic cuddling, romantic cuddling, acts of service, uplifting words, hand holding, forehead kisses, soft intimacy, need i go on?

63: Would you change your name?

i wold ditch my last name.. can you guess why? i’d love if my middle name became my last name, legally

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

romantically? yea

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

nothing, cuz that kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

no. i try my hardest to only let my friends see the happy side of me. i don’t like burdening them with all the bad emotions i sometimes feel. my complete self would be if i shared ALL of my emotions, the bad as well as the good. but i think it’s better this way, they would most definitely get annoyed after a little bit of time

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

probably my friend tino

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i don’t remember,, it’s been a long time since i’ve actually talks about truly deep subjects with someone personally,,

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i want to believe it. i want to believe that i’ll one day find the person of my dreams. the person that fits so perfectly with me and is just so perfect ahhh

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i don’t know, i’m selfish when it comes to dying. death scares me

#sfw #why do i love oversharing sjsjsjs

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crystal-mocha · 3 years

Text

Rant 3

Okay I got the right font sorted out.

Im moving houses tomorrow. All of my futniture is at my new house except my mattress. So im stuck sleeping in this dark room, by myself on a mattress which is just on my floor.

I guess other people have it worse though. Im sat in the bath right now. I dont usually have baths but it just felt needed today. Im 17 and a straight white male having a bath at 1am. Most people think I have it good, and I do but my mental stability doesnt.

I lay here with the water 2 inches above my chest. I have lil peep playing on my phone thinking how I kind of relate to him? You'd argue that I dont but I think I might.

Oh and that TV show, bojack horseman. Everyone relates to at least one character but not usually Bojack himself. I do relate to Bojack though, well thats what I think. He's written to be unliked, is that how I am?

It would make sense.

She didnt text me today. Thats not her fault though. I texted her first the past couple of days but not today. She didnt text first. I didnt either. If she wanted to talk she wouldve said hi or something.

Why am I complaining? I did this to myself. Its my fault remember. I was toxic to her in the past, she had an abortion last Saturday and she broke up with her Ex of 8 months a little over 1 week ago.

Am I stupid. Of course she wouldnt want to talk with all of that on her mind. Oh god I live her still. Its hard.

The bath has gone cold. Hah relatable.

She added me to her private story of snapchat. She uploaded a cute short video of her smiling. Her looks have changed which I dont mind at all. Long silky black hair. Pale skin. Black lipstick and black eyeliner. Shes goth but I know that so I dont know why I said that.

Shes so pretty, so so fucking pretty then Im sat here feeling sorry for my 5'7-built-like-a-stick self. I dont even look attractive in the slightest.

I really do feel stupid writing this. Why am I doing this? Is it for attention? For people to feel sorry for me?

But like I said yesterday, I feel trapped. I cant talk to her, I cant talk to anyone so this stupid tumblr post is all ive got.

Im sorry for hurting you Charlotte.

Yesterday I said I would like you to find this but with how pathetic Im sounding right now I dont think I would want you to see.

I took art in college because I have a wonderful imagination, I will give me that. But all I can think about is how sweet the dark colour of red would look like in the bath if I slit my wrists and throat. Not a bad idea but Ive packed my razor away and Its at my new house.

I dont even have wifi, im using my data but at least it helps me cope.

Its been 15 minutes since I started this rant or whatever the fuck this is. Im still waiting for a text off her but I know she wont. She wont. She hates me so much and I feel so powerless. What do I do..

Suicide genuinely seems like an option. I need the pain to stop.

Im starting my second year of college in a week. These 6 weeks off have been utter shit. Ruined myself. And going back to school is going to get so much worse.

I want a hug. A shoulder to cry on. Some human affection but that feels so distant.

Why would she add me to her private story but not text me at all today? Im confused. Was I supposed to comment on her looks? Thats the first time Ive seen her in over a year. Was I supposed to say something? Was she making me jealous? I dont get it. I dont get much aha.

Truth is I know Im scared to get out of the bath. I know I'll break down again. I dont want to move, I dont want to live but I think ive stretched that enough and Im now getting annoying.

Asking all these questions, feeling sorry for myself, calling myself pathetic only makes me even more pathetic. Isnt that right Kayden? I dont have to answer that, I know im not overthinking either, Ive always been self aware.

If I could go back in time 3 years, 2018, what would I tell my younger self. Well Id be 14, 2 years into my depression or whatever this shit life is. Id tell myself to save myself all this pain and kill myself. Telling a child to kill themselves sounds horrible but its fine because that child is me. I should've done it.

My mum attempted to kill herself a year ago now. She survived after 3 days in hospital. She wouldve OD'd. We've all become aware of the signs after that but they only focus on her. Why cant they see I'm struggling? I cant kill myself now after seeing what my mum's attempt did to my Dad and my sister.

No way out. No way to escape. No way to just be happy. Im so alone.

The bath is cold. Ive said that havent I? Im so alone in this stupid bath. Im so sad.

Please at least say 'night' or something Charlotte.. something, anything to show that I've crossed your mind at least once today. Please.

Well I'll get out of the bath now. Ive been writing for 31 minutes. If I dont write tomorrow then I'm hopefully dead. Lol

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend�� i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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