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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1013

surveys by -thoughtlessdork

Have you ever had the chicken pox? No. I’m constantly in a place of waiting for it to pass by, because everyone tells me all people are bound to have it at one point in their lives (idk how true that is, though). I am also told it gets a lot suckier as one gets older, so...not too thrilled about it at all.

how often do you do laundry? I don’t handle that chore myself, but it’s done 1–2 times a week in our house.

Have you ever been evicted? Nopes.

would you grow your own garden? I don’t see that happening. I’m a magnet for killing plants.

do you know anyone who snores? I do.

Trigger warning kinda, by the end.

what is your favorite font? Proxima Nova. It’s the default font that my org used for all documents and works-in-progress, and it ended up becoming my actual real-life favorite. I’ve always picked out that font even outside of org matters.

do you know what a wombat is? Sure.

would you make a good movie critic? Not at all. I don’t know enough about different filmmaking elements to make a reliable critic. I’ve criticized things like acting, plots, and dialogues in the past, of course; but there’s still so many things that go into films that aren’t overtly projected like lighting, symbolism, hidden meanings, etc. I don’t have a very good nose for those.

what goal are you aiming for this year? In the last 8 weeks of the year? Hmm...avoiding corona would be at the top of that list, lmao.

are you currently reading any books at the moment? No. I’ve stopped opening the book I used to constantly mention on here.

when i say foxy lady what comes to mind? Beyoncé’s character in the Austin Powers movie she was in lol; her name was Foxxy.

would you have liked to have lived during the Victorian times? Wasn’t this era like a golden age of sorts for the UK? I’d love to visit for that purpose; but given the still-horrible hygiene and living conditions for most people of the time, I wouldn’t choose to live there.

would you own a Siamese cat? No.

have you ever had an ultimate adrenaline rush? I don’t think so. I’ve had bursts of energy in the past, but I wouldn’t call any of them an ultimate adrenaline rush.

do you like deviled eggs? I’ve never had them; it’s not a common dish here. But they always look so good in the American shows I watch??? I really hope they taste as good as they look.

what tends to upset you? Hearing anything about animal abuse.

what's the farthest you've walked? I can’t give you a distance, but my parents opted for us to walk the whole time we were in Bali (except if we had a tour day which included transportation). Walking in an unfamiliar - and very humid - country and not knowing where anything is (this was before food and travel apps got as detailed as they are today) and ending up walking long stretches because you can’t locate any good local spots is a very easy way to run out of patience, apparently.

what is your favorite horror movie? Carrie was pretty fun.

what does your favorite shirt look like? It’s a twist on the Chicago flag, made black and red and with a raised fist in the middle. At the back it says “CM Punk: Best in the World.” Been my favorite and most overused shirt for the past 9 years. My friends tease me about it sometimes, but I don’t care lol, the shirt is very significant to me.

is your life like a daily routine? It is, but I prefer that it is. I like when things are in my control and, for the most part, predictable. I enjoy spontaneity in short bursts.

were you ever told as a child if you eat carrots you'll have pretty eyes? So many times.

what career are you most interested in? Communications and media, so it’s great that I’m headed there so far.

have you ever seen a rooster? Sure.

what time do you usually wake up? I wake up wake up by 7:30 or 8 AM, but I usually also wake up for a bit any time between 4–6 AM. Sometimes I choose to stay up from then, and sometimes I’d want to go back to sleep.

what do you think about religion? It’s good when people use it for good, or if it has helped save a person’s life. In my own personal experience, though, it’s beenhard to find Christians who aren’t hypocritical. So even though I see religion’s potential, I don’t have a lot of trust in believers themselves.

what made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Graduating college.

have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? I saw the super blue blood moon two years ago, which according to a quick Google search is a lunar eclipse! So yeah, I’ve seen one.

what are you allergic to? No allergies.

do you ever feel like people hold things you do or say against you? Only my mom does this.

what can't you afford but wish you could? Front-row Wrestlemania tickets. My childhood (and now adulthood) dream is to go to Mania 50 which is only 14 years from now, but at least I still have more than enough time to save up for it.

what is one word that sums up this year so far? Revelatory. ever felt like you were putting your life in danger? [trigger warning] Yes, it’s called suicidal tendencies. what do you like with your eggs? If scrambled, with cheese. If omelette...stuff that crap up with everything lol. Tomatoes, bell peppers, mushrooms, cheese, ham, bacon, and onions are all good in my book. what remedy do you partake when experiencing the common cold? The good ol’ wait-for-it-to-go-away life hack. would you ever spend a weekend in the mountains in a log cabin? That sounds amazing. I sure would. have you ever been called a psycho? No. have you ever taken martial arts? would you? No but I was always a little envious of my cousin who was taken to taekwondo class every weekend when we were kids. Sure, I’d take classes if I had the chance. who is someone you look up to? Nacho, but he’s gone now. is there something you're anxious about? I have work jitters for tomorrow, but they’re manageable for now. Otherwise I’m feeling pretty good. what is the longest you've gone without sleep? A little above 24. what is the longest you've been on the phone? This makes me cringe now, but it was like 8 hours long or something like that. It was still the ~honeymoon phase of that relationship and we were still clingy. We never did it again after that. do you care about calories? No. do you know someone with a really annoying laugh? Nah, can’t think of anyone. what band do you mostly always listen to no matter what mood? Paramore. have you ever been to Indianapolis? Nope.

what type of bread do you like to eat? I eat white bread all the time, but my favorite kind is brioche. do you have any great great grandparents still living? Two greats is a bit too much don’t you think? Lmao. Anyway, my last great-grandparent died in 2010. I never knew my dad’s grandparents, and my great-grandfather on my mom’s side had died all the way back in the 70s. what is one country that you really want to visit someday? India. who usually cooks or what do you usually crave the most? Those are two different questions haha. My parents take turn cooking; and as for my craving, I find myself seeking sushi most of the time. ever been associated in a program that was a complete waste of time? Yep, like that one time I had to attend this 5-hour mandatory program/seminar before my driver’s license could be issued to me; it taught me nothing I didn’t already know about driving, and it used driving tutorials that I’m pretty sure were recorded in the 90s. This seminar took place in 2016. do weird numbers call your phone? Not regularly. Occasionally an unknown number will come in, but I reject all those. where are you right now? Sitting up on my bed. do you tend to care about other people's feelings more than your own? Yes. I really shouldn’t. what type of lifestyle do you want to obtain? if you haven't obtained it [trigger warning] I haven’t even figured out yet if I love life enough to want to stay in it. A type of lifestyle isn’t much of a priority for now. what was something that use to frighten you as a child? Getting lost at the mall. have you ever been on a train? Just once. who's been in your life the longest? did you expect this person to still be around? Apart from family, Angela. Yes, she’s here for the long haul. how do you feel about anatomy? Fascinating. I’d take a class on it. Insert interesting fact here: Read this on Reddit a few days ago, so I’ll just copy-paste the whole thing: “When Jadwiga, the King of Poland (medieval Poland referred to every ruler as King regardless of gender), was considering a marriage proposal from the Grand Duke of Lithuania, a chief concern among her court was that said Duke was rumored to have massive genitals to the point that they would kill his wife on their wedding night. Two of her councilors volunteered to travel to Lithuania to try and discover the truth of these rumors, which naturally meant they would watch the Duke as he bathed. They returned and happily reported that not only weren’t the Duke’s genitals fatally large, they were in fact a tad smaller than average, so nothing to worry about. Thus Poland and Lithuania were united, and the rest is history.” Got a chuckle out of that one when I read it that I just had to scroll through the entire thread again just to be able to share it here lmao.

#survey #surveys

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runninveggie-blog · 4 years

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Perinatal mood and anxiety disorder

I want to start by stating that I am not a blogger. AT. ALL. In fact, I hate to write. When I was in school, I’d much rather take a test or do a project for a grade then write a paper. I can’t spell, my grammar is not great, I don’t always know how to punctuate properly...But I think it is important for me to be as open as possible about what I’m going through right now in my life. So ( large sigh) here goes. Please don’t judge me.

For the second time in my life, I am suffering from postpartum depression (PPD). It is classified as a perinatal mood and anxiety disorder (PMADs). According to the Mayo Clinic, PMADs are the number one complication of pregnancy and childbirth. Every 1 in 9 moms will suffer from some sort of PMAD during pregnancy or after childbirth. That’s a HUGE number! But for some reason, it still isn’t talked about ENOUGH. Yes, we as culture, talk about it more than we did 10 years ago, but for some reason for women, we feel like we’re not allowed to be sad. THAT MAKES THINGS WORSE! There have been many times that I’ve thought “I’d better smile and act like I’m happy so people don’t think I’m crazy and try to take my kids away from me.” I mean, how irrational is that?!?! Very....very irrational.

“I SHOULD BE HAPPY, I HAVE EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED” JESSIE BRUSH, 2019

Right after I had my son, Jack, who is now 3, I suffered from PPD and PPA (postpartum anxiety). I bonded with him when I was pregnant so intensely that I didn’t want anyone to hold him, or look at him, or touch him. I needed to be the sole caregiver of this child. Additionally, my labor and delivery were terrible with him. 25 hours of labor with 3 hours of pushing.... I truly didn’t think I could do it. I also had very high standards that he was going to be entirely breastfed (EFB). And for 3 weeks, he was....and for those three weeks, I was unsuccessful. And frankly, because I was such a failure, I wanted to die. It sounds harsh and extreme, but that is exactly how I felt. But death terrifies me, so I kept moving on. And I was miserable. Nothing brought me joy anymore. There are parts of his very young life that I don’t remember because it was too painful. I felt like I was failing and he didn’t need me since he could be fed with formula. I had hallucinations. I pictured myself driving off a VERY large bridge in my area, and one day I drove over to this bridge. Thank GOD I didn’t do anything because I would have missed out on so much joy and happiness. But at the time, I didn’t think I would ever be happy again. I finally talked to my doctor and she put me on some medications. I also went to a councilor (once... I couldn’t bring myself to talk about...well myself....). After a few months, I started to really get better and move past the sadness.

Fast forwards to pregnancy number 2. I suffered from depression almost my entire pregnancy, In my defense, I couldn’t eat. Like really....for a while there I was only able to drink water, and only if it had a REAL lemon in it, and strawberries 🍓 . Everything else made me throw up. I lost 20 pounds. I was mad about being so sick and I took it out on my unborn child. I didn’t feel like I loved them. And on top of that, we didn’t find out the gender, so I really didn’t feel like I could bond. Of course, I’m so happy now that we didn't’ find out the gender because hearing my husband tell me that we had a girl was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had in my life. My labor and delivery with Juliet was awesome. 8 hours of labor and 30 minutes of pushing. It was WONDERFUL! And on top of that, I got her to latch and breastfeed right away. Everything seemed to be smooth sailing. I knew that with Juliet, I wasn’t going to go back to work full time so I didn’t feel the pressure of that on my shoulders. Our breastfeeding journey hasn’t been easy though. I’ve gotten mastitis 3 times. Mastitis is terrible. It’s a painful, infected, clogged milk duct. It makes you feel like you’ve got the flu if the flu was in crack. But anyways....She latched well, but she wasn’t getting enough food to make her gain weight. My milk had come in, but she couldn’t empty the breast for some reason and she was so fussy. We thought she had acid reflux, which Jack had so I didn’t question it, but even after we put her on medication for that, nothing changed. I started to look stuff up and came across tongue and lip tie information and symptoms of that. She had every single one. I asked my lactation consultant to check her for it and sure enough, she had both. They were both reversed and we got back on track. She’s still tiny, but MUCH better.....but here I am...and I’m not.

At about 4 months postpartum, I realized that I wasn’t happy. And not like just blue every now and then, but deeply unhappy. I thought about it and I also realized that I had cried every single day that week. I pushed it out of my head thinking that it had just been a hard week and everything was fine. Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. I was driving my family to a wedding we were attending. Jacob was sleeping because he had worked the night before, Juliet was screaming (she was most likely hungry) and Jack was being Jack...I mean he’s 3 soooo he was being loud and not listening to me. A thought came to me, one that I don’t even want to repeat. But because I want to be fully honest with myself and others, I will “paraphrase” the thought. I thought about how my life would be so much easier with one child. And then I thought about how I would choose which child I’d keep. That’s really as far as I’m will to go with explaining that now, because right after and even right this very second, guilt washed over me. I thought “How can I call myself a mom if I’m having these horrific thoughts?” And at that moment, I wanted to die. Right then and there. I wanted my life to be over. I didn’t deserve these wonderful, amazing, beautiful children that I have been given to raise. I knew I couldn’t end my life right then because I wasn’t going to end my husband or children’s lives, but I knew I didn’t want to live anymore. So...heavy stuff...I may or may not be crying right now....ok so I am crying right now. Anyways, I had to pull myself together to attending this wedding and visit with family. I made it through that day without harming myself or my kids so I knew I could make it thought the rest of the weekend, which we were spending with my mom, dad, sister, and my sister’s girlfriend.

We got home and I called my doctor that day. And you can ask my husband, I’ll go like 3 weeks of being deathly sick without calling my doctor. I didn’t call her last time I was suffering from PPD, I just talked to her at my 6 weeks follow up appointment....anyways, I digress. Once I got home, I started to think about everything, I was trying to remember the last time I truly felt happy and I couldn’t think of it. I thought about at the outburst and RAGE I had, the constant crying (because it wasn’t just that week before the wedding, it was all the time), the anxiety, the fear. I knew then that it was a lot worse than I had thought. I texted my “ladies” chat, which consists of my mom, grandmother, and sister, to let them know what was going on. I didn’t go into much detail about it because I didn’t want to scare them, but my mom knew. She called me and asked me what was going on. I’m grateful for that. It got me talking. It got me really thinking and it got me set in the right direction to help it. I also talked to my husband. I told him that thought I had about our kids, and you know what...he didn’t leave. He didn’t take out kids and run. No, he laid beside me in our bed and let me cry. He never once made me feel like an unfit mother. I’m also grateful for that.

I’m trying HARD to find AT LEAST one positive thing to think about every day. It’s not easy when your brain is constantly telling you that you’re horrible and making you feel like total trash. And it's even more difficult on days like today when both kids are sick and you’re sleeping on the couch because your daughter can only sleep in the swing because she can’t lay flat....and let's be honest, I’m not sleeping....also a sign of PPD. But I still want to try and find the good in each day. I know there is some.

If you’re still reading now, thank you. I know it’s probably boring, but I do appreciate you stopping by. I hope to bring awarenesses to my issue, I hope that I can help someone who is also going through this. I hope to share some resources that I find to help those that need it too. I mean, I contacted the suicide lifeline the other night to get help. I wasn’t suicidal that night, but I knew I needed help and I didn’t know where to go. It was a great resource.

To end, I’ll leave you with this, actress Bryce Dallas Howard said “It is strange for me to recall what I was like at the time. I seemed to be suffering from emotional amnesia. I couldn’t genuinely cry or laugh, or be moved by anything. For the sake of those around me, including my son, I began showering again. In the second week, I let loose in the privacy of my bathroom, water flowing over me as I heaved uncontrollable sobs.” This is 100% how I feel. For me, it didn’t hit until a few weeks ago, but I can relate to this on a different level. Life for me is difficult right now. It's hard to get out of bed, but I’m hoping that if I’m open about it and I seek out the help I need, I’ll be able to live my life “normal” again. Also, please know that if you reach out to me and I don’t reply or I just say thank you, I’m not trying to be rude. I’m trying to heal. And one day I might text you to talk and that’s when I’m going to need you the most. I’ve come to realize that it’s ok to need help.

#Perinatal mood and anxiety disorder #Postpartumdepression #postpartum anxiety #PPD #PPA

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oneficonly · 5 years

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It’s Just a Name

Summary: When Max’s home life finally comes to Camp Campbell, with the excuse that they showed up for Parents Day. But that was many weeks ago. So why are they really here?

WC: 2,086 Rating: T (Swearing, Very Mild Referenced Child Abuse/Neglect) Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Chapter Nine: A Promise

By the time they got back to the campgrounds the rain had stopped, but the sky was still a light gray. Everyone in the small, four-person group and were soaked by the rain. They stopped at the tents to gather the rest of the campers. Layla-Rae saw her discarded clipboard on the ground, and her phone then picked both items up. Most of the papers on the clipboard were wet but they were all still readable. “Alrighty, Campers! We are back and we have Max!” said David loudly. Everyone came out of their respective tents. Nikki saw Max first and tackled him to the ground. “You’re safe!” she exclaimed. Neil came over and pulled Nikki off of him, “God Nikki, get off of him!” he said. Once Neil got Nikki off of Max, he put his hand out helping his friend off the ground. All the other campers came up to Max and they all started to ask questions. For most of the questions, Max just stuck his hands in his hoodie pocket and shrugged. Layla-Rae stood back and watched as Max was bombarded by his fellow camp members. David and Layla-Rae looked at each other and smiled before they looked back to the group. Gwen got everyone’s attention, “Everyone to the mess hall. We need to end this really fucking long day.” All the campers headed to the mess hall. Neil, Nikki, and Max were behind the larger group of campers, then Gwen, David, and Layla-Rae behind them.

As they got closer to the mess hall, they could see Mr. Walter loading up the horses back into the bus. Devi was tapping on her phone while Cameron Campbell was attempting to talk to her. Devi looked up from her phone to respond to something Campbell said when she saw the group of kids, councilors, and her assistant. The woman stomped over to the group. “Guys, maybe you all should head into the mess hall,” said Gwen. All the kids started to protest. “Now!” yelled Gwen. Everyone except for Max rushed into the mess hall. Nikki stopped and reached out to grab him to bring him with but Neil stopped her and said, “He’ll be in soon.” Nikki pouted but followed Neil. Before she walked into the mess hall she stopped and spun around, “I promise to save you a pudding Max! Maybe! Only if it’s not chocolate, or vanilla, or both!” She spun around and went into the building, the doors shut behind her.

Max looked over and saw Devi getting closer with Campbell right behind. He stepped to the side, hiding behind David. “Mr. Campbell,” said David, “Can you go in and make sure the campers are giving Quartermaster any trouble.” Campbell shook his head, “I’m sorry Davey. I work for Ms. Devi now.” Devi looked at him with confusion on her face, “Who are you?” she asked. Campbell’s shoulders slumped over. He sighed dejectedly and walked to the mess hall and grumbled all the way there. Once he was inside, Devi turned to the four people left. “You,” she said pointing to Layla-Rae. Layla-Rae handed the clipboard to Max, who took it and held it close to his chest. She took a few steps forward. “Your job is to help me! That is what I give you housing for and it's what I pay you for! So, if I ask you to help me load up the horses so we can leave, you help Mr. Walter load up the god damn horses! And you,” Devi hissed as she pointed to Max, “I think you've been around my assistant too much. If you’re going to continue living with me there need to be some massive changes! If either of you thinks, you are going to continue to live with me after how you treated me you can forget it! But I'm willing to forgive and forget. But I will be separating you two for a few months. That will be a good punishment. If I catch you two interacting at all in the new few months. You," she once again pointed to Layla-Rae, "will be gone. That boy has had too much freedom. And it's clear that you are the cause for his awful behavior! You did a shit job raising him. You're lucky I'm here!” Layla-Rae stepped forward again sizing her up, “First, Max has not had enough freedom! You've been restricting him for the last five years he's been living with you. Second, what did he do to you today? He was placed on one of those stupid horses, which he didn't even want to ride, then when the horse was spooked it ran off. You did nothing to help him! He has done nothing to you! At all! And third, I did not do a shit job raising him. I did an amazing job raising him. I managed to raise an amazing and smart young man, who acts way too much like an adult. I did it without your help. He is my son. And we don't need your help anymore, Mother." Devi scoffed and rolled her eyes, “Please. You still need your mother's help. You're a single mom who had a kid when you were barely out of high school. You're just as irresponsible now than you were when you were a teenager. What a disappointment you turned out to be. I should've dumped you off somewhere before you could figure out how to get back home." Layla-Rae was caught a little off guard by this and took a step backward. David stepped in front of Layla-Rae; Max went from hiding behind David to Layla-Rae. Gwen put a hand on the assistant’s should as if to comfort her. David cleared his throat, “I think you have stayed long enough. You need to leave.” Devi rolled her eyes, “You can’t tell me when to leave!” David took a deep breath, “Max and Layla are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They both work so hard and they clearly care about each other and, for some reason, they care about you,” he looked back at Gwen, Layla-Rae and Max the smiled, “and the fact that you treat them the way you do,” David looked back at the older woman, “Well, that just makes you a fucking bitch.” Gwen's eyes grew big and a little smile went across her face. Max had a huge smile on his face. Layla-Rae's eyes also grew big. Devi huffed in anger, "All of you are banned from my properties! If I see you or you," she pointed to Max and Layla-Rae, "Well, you just better wish I don’t see you again!” She then stomped onto the bus followed by her white horse. The door to the bus slams and the bodyguards and Mr. Walter got into their respective vehicles. The bus and the SUV sped out of the camp parking lot.

There were cheers from the mess hall. When the small group of four looked over they saw all of the campers watching from the windows. “Well,” started Gwen, “That could’ve gone better.” David spun around and looked at Layla-Rae, “I’m sorry if I made you lose your job, Layla. I normally am pretty level headed,” he started to scratch the back of his head. Max coughed and handed the clipboard back to Layla-Rae. “Yeah. You pretty much fucked that up, David,” said the child nodding. Layla-Rae laughed and took the item from him, “Max, language. Oh! Before I forget,” she started to dig through the papers on her clipboard and pulled out one sheet. “Here is Max’s camp registration paper. Fully filled out. I believe Gwen gave the paper to Devi earlier this morning. But she just handed me the piece of paper. And I felt like Max needed some type of purpose here.” She handed the piece of paper to David. Max rolled his eyes, “I don’t need a purpose. I’m satisfied with floating here until I go home. I mean that’s what we do through life before we die. Mind as well get used to it now.” Gwen and David sighed. Layla-Rae rolled her eyes. Mr. Walter whistled and hit the top of the beaten-up car, “You might not have a job to do,” he said, “But I still do.”

Layla-Rae let out a little laugh, “I guess that’s my cue.” Layla-Rae looked to Max and kneeled down and opened her arms. Max ran up to her and gave her a hug. He teared up a bit, “Thank you for coming, Mom,” said Max. Gwen and David gave each other a surprised look, “Mom?!” they said together. Layla-Rae nodded as she and Max separated from their hug, “It's a little bit of a long story but yes. This little guy is my son! I'm surprised you guys didn't ask anything right after Devi and I fought. I think I said something about Max being my son there. I kind of blacked-out during me yelling at her.” said Layla-Rae. Gwen shrugged and nodded. David also nodded, "I think I blacked out a little too," he said. Layla-Rae and Gwen laughed. “I'll tell you guys some more 'home life' stories one day. Homelife stories about Max and me.” Gwen’s eyes got really big, “Hearing stories about growing up with Devi? I can't imagine how awful that was!” said Gwen with a little laugh in her voice. Layla-Rae laughed, “I promise. I'll fill you guys in one of these days. But it will be nice to not live with Devi anymore. I will fully be a single parent!” Layla-Rae rolled back onto her heels, “Oh fuck I’m going to be a single parent.”

“To Max of all kids,” commented Gwen. David smiled, "Don't worry Layla. You've got this!" He rubbed the back of his head, “So, what are you going to do now?” Layla-Rae snapped out of her panicked thinking, “Well,” she started as she stood up, “I guess try to find a new job. Find a new place to live.” She looked at Max, “And hopefully, I can get everything set up so that you can just get settled right away. I don’t think we have had an actual home since you were little. Let’s see, we lived with your father and his family until you were five, then I tried to move in with Devi but when I went to work she had changed all the locks, then a year and a half later she finally let me back in- ” Max smiled as his mother continued to ramble. This has been the second time all summer that David and Gwen saw Max smile in a way that wasn’t mischievous. It was a genuine, happy smile. Mr. Walter held down the horn in the car and drove the car very, very slowly out of camp. “Alright. I really need to go or I will be here for the rest of the summer. Maxen,” Max and Layla-Rae gave each other one more hug, “I will send you a letter with my new address and some updates. I’ll see you after camp is over. I promise,” Layla-Rae let go of Max and step forward giving David a quick hug, “Thank you. Thank you to both of you.” she said before turning around and running to the slowly moving car. “Mr. Walter! Wait! I’m coming! Stop the fucking car!” yelled Layla-Rae as she pried open the car door and jumped into the car. Layla-Rae looked out the window and waved goodbye to her son. The car sped off leaving David, Gwen, and Max in front of the mess hall.

“What was that all about?” asked Max wondering why his mom gave his camp consoler a hug. Gwen covered her mouth trying not to laugh. David looked down at Max’s paperwork, “Well, you see- Um- Wait,” he said reading over the paper one more time. “Max. Is your first name Maxen?” Max jumped around and looked at David with wide eyes. Gwen busted out in a laughing fit. “Don’t you dare ever repeat my name!” he yelled pointing at David, “You hear me, David! My name is Max! I will end you if this gets back to the gang!” David smiled down at Max, “Alright, Max.” Max nodded and crossed his arms. He then looked at Gwen who was still laughing uncontrollably. “And why are you still laughing?” asked Max. Gwen pointed at David and said, “David fucked your mom.” Max slowly turned to David who was staring at Gwen with wide eyes. “You. Did. WHAT?!”

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#Camp Camp #campcamp #camp camp fanfiction #camp camp fanfic #campcampfanfic #rt fanfic #oneficonly

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sanderssidesstuff · 6 years

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Hecate's Fate - Chaper 4

Summary: Patton's Chapter! He gets his weapon and you get understand how his powers work. Plus actual plot!

Warnings: Food, weapons (tell me if I missed anything)

Words: 4,037 (I didn't even realize it was this long)

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Tags: @kitsuneprideleader @captainswan618 @freepaperie081 @migraine-marathon @lexboydfandompanda (can't tag you? Contact me) @what-even-is-thiss @bubblycricket @hamilspntrash

Notes: Uh so like I'm friends with a lot of optimistic people so Patton is like the easiest to write, also like side characters are great

Patton woke up the opposite of Logan. When he awoke, the entire cabin as up getting ready. Patton was in a set of grey silk pajamas that one of his new siblings gave him. His new glasses were on a little nook by his bed, the colors threatened to overwhelm him, before he put on the glasses. Patton stretched and got off his bed with a smile. Last night flashes through his mind, getting claimed was interesting, but the colors disappearing was amazing. He never thought of seeing the colors as a curse, but they did tend to overwhelm him sometimes. He silently thanked his mom for the gift and got out one of the Camp Half-Blood shirts and tan pants that he was given yesterday. He looked around for somewhere to change and saw nothing.

"Hey!" Someone above him shouted, "Patton, right? Are you looking for somewhere to change?" He nods and the person jumps down, "You can either change on your bunk or in the bathroom. We have two so take your pick. I’m going to look for our head councilor, bye." The person grabs a blue bracelet along with a white beanie and walks into the crowd of kids getting dressed.

Patton finds the bathroom empty and changes. His face still looked like it had on makeup and his hair was perfect despite the fact it almost always looked like a rats nest when he wakes up. He takes off his glasses and stares at the blurry shape that is him.

Without his glasses, Patton is legally blind, the main reason for that is the colors. The colors, or auras as they are more commonly called, had been in Patton's life as long as he could remember. No one else in his family had this power and no one but his mom knew that he could see the colors. After a few years, Patton figured out what the colors were and how to use them as an advantage.

The colors were what people felt, most people had red, blue and yellow on a daily basis. He saw pink sometimes with couples and black with people who had depression. Patton figured most of it out himself, but some colors still confused him, colors like gold, sliver, and periwinkle specifically. After that major revelation, he had quickly learned he could influence other people’s emotions. Patton didn’t do it often, he just made people happy, but the cost of changing their emotions was great. He’d get whatever he’d change, if he gave someone happiness, he’d get the sadness. He only changed emotions in moderation, and the emotions he changed were ones he could deal with. Staring at himself, Patton saw no colors, he knew that he couldn’t see his own emotions, but he still hoped he could, eventually.

Knock! Knock! Knock!, "Hey hurry up we’re heading to breakfast soon." Patton quickly put back on his glasses and changed his shirt. He walked back to his bunk and put the pajamas back in the chest he was given. Looking at the chiton in the chest, Patton thought about his new mom. Aphrodite didn’t have the best stories about her, she was often jealous and only really had relationships because of lust. Having two moms wasn’t a surprise to him, his mom is pan, but his mother falling in love with such a women like Aphrodite was new. His mom looked for kind women and looking at all the people around him, which totaled to about 15 kids, he didn’t think that it was the type of person he wanted to be related to.

"Hey Patton," someone says, snapping Patton out of his musings, "You good?"

His smile was back on when he answered, "Yes, of course. Did I send mixed signals? Do I need to change the channel?"

"Ok, most half-bloods have a hard time adjusting to having a nice bed and food all the time. I don’t know your living situation, so I had to ask. Oh I’m Gretchen by the way, CC said I could lead you around today. I’m using they/them right now, but that could change so just ask if you have any questions." Gretchen held out their hand and Patton shook it. "We have breakfast first, after we will get you a weapon. You have to have a weapon, before you say anything. Monster will find you and kill you if you don’t kill it first. Now let’s get to breakfast." Gretchen leads Patton to a table and leaves him with the rest of his siblings. Gretchen runs off to another table and kisses a person with glasses. Their aura turns pink and spreads to to other people, then some one pushes them over and says something to them that Patron can’t hear. Gretchen walks back over, still pink, and sits next to Patton.

"Who was that?" Patton questioned after they had sacrificed some of their food to the gods.

Gretchen glances in the direction of the person they kissed and blushed, "Oh yeah. That’s my boyfriend, Joseph. People have been shipping us for years before we got together, he just makes my life complete." Their pink aura grows pinker and Patton realized something. He could see the aura with his glasses on.

"Whoa, you’re pink! How cool!' Patton squeals, "Is it because you love him so much? Because that is sooo cute!"

Gretchen looks down at their hands, "Sorry, usually I can reign it in. Yeah, downside of our mom is that, when I experience extreme emotions, I glow. I can control it sometimes, but I guess Joseph distracted me today. Is that all you’re eating?"

"That’s usually what I say! Does it drive you bananas? Did I catch your grape?" Patton grabs an apple along with some eggs. With the two new things added to his plate, the oatmeal he’d been eating looked small.

"Good." Gretchen musied his hair, then sighed, "Forgot about Aphrodite's blessing. For the next two days up to a week, you won’t be able to mess any of that up. Mine lasted three days and it was terrible. I hate having my hair styled. How about you?"

"It was weird to not wake up with my hair in my face, but I look so pretty! I how the eye shadow makes my eyes pop! And the fact that mom mad my freckles glow! Did you see that yesterday? These new frames also match up perfectly with Logan's! This is all so cool!"

"Wow, I don’t think anyone has said that about their first day of camp. Most are still scared and really want to leave." Gretchen had finished eating by now and was messing with a knife that had appeared out of no where. All around people start to stand up and walk back over to the cabins.

"Is breakfast over?" Patton questions as Gretchen stands up.

"Yep." The p popping. "Now to get you a weapon, judging by your build and height. I think you’d be good with a small weapon, maybe a short sword or a dagger? You’ll know your weapon when you see it. Follow me." Gretchen leads Patron towards the cabins and behind a grey building to a small shack. They open the door to show weapons lining the walls. Bows were near the back now, swords were near the front. Looking at all of them, Patton attempted to grab a spear that glowed sliver. Gretchen stretched out their hand and stopped him.

"Not that one." Their eyes wetted a little, but no tears fell, "That belonged to a brave man and I can’t see anyone else, but him wielding it."

"Who?" Patton stared at Gretchen as a dark blue light started to radiate from them.

They wiped their face and the glow recedes, "No one that you need to worry about right now. Anyway let’s get you a weapon. How about this one?" They point at a sword that was shaped like a leaf. Patton shook his head no and kept looking. After a while of Gretchen pointing out different weapons and Patton saying no, he saw it. It was bronze with a leather hilt. On the side was some writing,

"Loloi" Patton read.

"It means there is always love. It’s fitting for you, as a son of Aphrodite, we always try and find love everywhere." Gretchen translates.

"I love it! This is my weapon. I’m sure of it." Patton looks over at Gretchen who’s face showed that they didn’t think it was the best idea.

"It is a nice dagger, but if you were to fight, you’d have to get in really close to your opponent. You’d have to be quick and agile. Are you sure you want it?"

"Yes." Gretchen sighs and gestures Patton to walk out the door. "

"Put that in the sheath that it came with and strap it to your pants, you got it? Ok, let’s go back and see what the rest of the cabin is doing. Only the Athena cabin really sticks to a schedule, the rest of the campers just go wherever.

Patton stares at everything as they walk over to the basketball courts. He sees some fields in the distance, a few kids making the strawberries grow and goat men playing what looked like a bunch of sticks tied together. Some campers were playing volleyball and Patton saw Roman with a sword, fighting a person with two swords. Roman was not doing well and fell. Patton winced as the sword Roman was holding, cut his arm slightly. The other person stopped automatically and gave Roman an arm to help him up. Gretchen was getting father away so Patton couldn’t see the rest of the exchange. Patton thought he saw Logan talking with Joan when they passed the building that Thomas said was the crafts hut. Gretchen waved at a little girl who was tending to a fire in the middle of the he cabins and led Patton over to Big House. Gretchen stopped suddenly and turned around.

"Oh right! Sorry I forgot I was taking you somewhere." Gretchen says nervously and touches rubs their wrist. "Uh, guess I’ll do my thing later. Let’s go find the rest of our siblings and stand next to me, I get a little scatter brained when I’m left with my thoughts."

"Are your thoughts that a-maze-ing?" Patton asks.

Gretchen snorts, "No it’s more along the lines of… uh. I don’t know what I was going to say, lost my train of thought."

"It fell off the tracks?" Patton giggles while Gretchen just sighs, smiling.

"Are you known for your puns? No don’t answer that, I love puns. I’m not very good at them though." More people pass by and Patton hears a sound, "Looks like it’s time to rotate." The person who checked Patton over yesterday walks by and Gretchen asks him a questions, "Hey! Will, do you know where the Aphrodite cabin is supposed to go?"

"Uh I think you are learning first aid today? Wait Patton, why aren’t you wearing the brace I gave you? Did Aphrodite make it vanish? Here wear this for the next few days," Will pulls out another brace out of nowhere, "if you don’t I will find you and force you to wear it." Patton nods and puts on the brace. "I think Austin will be teaching, with the new kid, other Roman. Unless he’s pouting, he’s really mad that he can’t use a sword. He wants to attack, but his build makes him a perfect archer."

"Ah, where are we going to be, you know the girls will want to sit outside." Gretchen replies helping Patton to make sure the brace is on properly.

"I know, that is why you are learning by the strawberry fields. Austin knows and is waiting. I just dropped off the supplies." Will looks directly at Gretchen and smirks, "You are learning how to treat burns."

"You are such a gorgon. Come on Patton, I’ll show you the strawberry fields." Gretchen walks briskly away from Will and Patton, after he waved goodbye, follows, practically running to catch up with them.

"Why are you so mad about burns? What did they ever do to you?" Patton questions once he catches up with Gretchen.

"They made me miss three weeks of practices and it still hasn’t healed. I walked with a limp for about 18 of those 21 days. I know how to treat burns and Will knows it." They mumble some words that Patton would never repeat. They give Patton an apologetic smile and start to speak, "Sorry, it’s just embarrassing to think about how I got my own burn." They lift up their leg and point at a part of their leg that was discolored. "We’re not going to discuss this ever unless I bring it up. Ok? Coolio, Let’s go!" Gretchen led Patton to where the rest of the Aphrodite cabin was next to the strawberry fields.

Patton focused some what on the lesson, but mostly he was focused on making sure he was smiling. He knew he had a problem with feelings, despite the fact he couldn’t see his own feelings, he would always bottle up the 'bad' feeling of sadness and anger and only feel the one he though were good. He didn’t do it in purpose, he just hid his feelings. When Virgil, Roman, and Logan found out, they had an intervention. They would help him learn to actually express his emotions, and he would tell them if he had a bad day. The only thing was now that he was at this new place, surrounded by all theses new people, he was sure if he could. Emotions were never his strong suit and, despite his wonderful mom helping him, he still wasn’t sure what he felt half the time. He was snapped out of his thoughts when someone tapped him on his shoulder. He looked up to see Gretchen telling him something.

"Whatcha say, Gretch?" Gretchen’s face darkens and they pause for a second.

They growl back, "Don't call me that. That is not my name and no one calls me that." Patton shrinks back and Gretchen realizes what they just say, "Sorry, that is not my name. If you want to call me by a nickname, Goober is a good choice. Anyway time for lunch come on."

"Okie Dokie, then! What are we having for lunch? I hope pizza! I’m a vegetarian, but I love cheese pizza! Are there going to be cookies? Also what are we doing after lunch, anything special?"

"We are going to sit and talk about our feelings for the next hour." Gretchen said with a straight face.

"Well, I’m gonna need a lot of cookies then." Patton started to mentally tally how many cookies it would be, however before he got to one he heard laughter.

"Sorry, dude. Wait are you cool if I call you dude, bro, brother, man, or anything stereotypically masculine." Gretchen looked concerned for a second.

Patton answers with a smile. "I’m ok with it, kiddo!"

"Ok, good, gotta ask. Anyway, do I need to work on my sarcasm again? I thought I was getting better at it. To actually answer your question, we have the crafts hut, lava wall and/or training then a break before dinner. We might not have cookies at lunch, but I know a guy who can get us some." They wink and hand Patton a cookie that they made appear.

"Amazing! You should always eat a cookie when you get stressed, and when your are super stressed," Patton whispers in their ear, "eat a second cookie."

"Whoa, slow down there getting a little excited. Let’s go and eat." They lead Patton to the dinning area and sit down. To Patton’s delight there was pizza and it was vegetarian! Patton at two slices before he got too full to eat.

After the lunch he ate, Patton was ready to sleep, however it was time to go to the craft huts and he was inspired to make some art. The entire Aphrodite cabin walked as a group, gossiping about who’s dating who and the newest fashion trends. Patton focused intensely on everything they say. Apparently, Thomas and Joan were really close friends, but most people thought they were dating, the thing is Talyn and Joan were also being shipped together, so some wars were happening (what boats had to do with people, Patton had no idea). Some kid named Connor, son of Hermes, had a crush on a girl named Katie, daughter of Demeter and Chiron was considering reinstating three-foot races. Patton tried to keep track of each name that was mentioned and decided to figure out what name went to each face. One of the boys, Micheal, kept pushing Lacy to ask out a girl she said she liked, but Lacy just wanted to go slow. Lacy pushed Micheal back and asked him why he wasn’t asking out Karolin, apparently the girl he was obsessed with. CC, the head-camper, put the two of them on opposite sides of the group (somehow they ended up right next to each other again and gossiped some more).

Eventually they made it to the crafts hut and everyone split up to do their own projects. Patton floated to and from each group to see what they were doing. Korbin was painting a portrait of his dad, a famous actor that Patton had never heard of, and Sam was making a clay sculpture of a dragon, she giggled the entire time she painted it (purple, white, grey, and black). Patton saw everyone working on their own projects, so he walked around staring at all the different types of materials that went into each masterpiece. Patton eventually walked over to a desk full of art supplies that no one was working on. He sat down and started to draw, he didn’t know exactly what he wanted but that didn’t matter, he’d find someone to give it to.

He heard a sound that was similar to the conch he heard last night. CC tapped him on his shoulder and directed him towards the exit. She stuck her left hand out, put out her index finger and rubbed it with a fist, her face scrunched up in a questioning expression. Patton gave her a confused look and looked around at everyone else, hoping for someone else to explain. CC sighed and grabbed the closest person to her. She pointed at Patton and moved her hand away from her face, her index finger hooked. Korbin nods, looks at Patton and starts the speak.

"Do you want to climb on the lava wall or do you want to train with your dagger? Sorry, we forget that not everyone knows sign language."

Patton nods energetically, "I’ll train! That’s so cool! Does everyone know sign language here? Or is it just this cabin?"

CC laughs and Korbin answers, "Everyone knows enough to talk to her, but all of us knows more than the rest of the camp so we can talk to her without her staring at out lips."

"Amazing!" Korbin directs Patton towards the arena where someone was stabbing a dummy with a sword that was glowing gold, "Who is going to teach me to use Loloi?"

Korbin pulls out a sliver dagger and slashes at a dummy that wasn't being used, "I am. We'll start with the basics and then go on from there. Let’s start with holding it, first you…" Patton focused on everything Korbin taught and quickly got down the basics.

By the time the conch sounded, Patton was tired and just wanted to sleep. He walked with Korbin back to the cabin and saw Gretchen was grabbing something off their bed.

When they saw Patton they put on a smile, "What’s up? Did you have a nice day? Sorry I had to disappear after we got to arts and crafts, I just needed to do something. He/Him by the way."

"It’s cool, kiddo! I made something really awesome in crafts, I can’t show you it yet, it’s a surprise." Patton’s voice had dropped when he said that last part. "What about you? Doing anything interesting?"

"Nah, just practicing." Gretchen faced Patton and stared before speaking, "You look dead on your feet. Sleep, someone will get you up when it is time for dinner." Gretchen pushed Patton on to his bed and tucked him in. He also took off Patton's glasses and put them on the nook by his bed.

He quickly fell asleep and dreamt about something weird. In his dream, a young lady stood over a cauldron whispering something in a langue that Patton couldn’t understand. A second lady, who looked to be pregnant, came over and put something in the cauldron and waved her hands around it, speaking in the same langue as the lady before her. An old lady came over and did the same as the one before her. The three ladies looked over at Patton and spoke in unison.

"Young one beware, your gift will be needed soon and you must be prepared."

The younger one spoke, "The path my son chose will not be easy, do not despair.

The old lady spoke next, "You and the others will play an important factor in the battle." The pregnant one disappeared and the other two looked worried, "The mother has gone missing and you must search for her." The old lady explained

The two spoke together, "Chiron will get the news in a fortnight and you must be a part of the quest. You will be given time to train, use it wisely. Now wake and warn my son, the son of Athena, and the son of Apollo. Wake up. Wake up! WAKE UP!" Patton snapped up and hit someone in the forehead.

"Ow!" The person exclaims, "Patton, man, you are so hard to wake up." Patton searches for his glasses, his eyes shut so he doesn’t overloads his brain. He put them on and opened his eyes to see how he hit.

"I am so sorry, Lacy! You surprised me! Is it time for dinner?" Patton asks stretching.

"Yes! I’ve been trying to wake you up for the past ten minutes, you kept whispering something about a missing lady. Are you ok?" Lacy looked genuinely concerned, but Patton pasted a smile on his face.

"I’m okie dokie! Let’s eat dinner!" Patton hoped out of bed, thanking Aphrodite for her blessing, making it easier to leave the cabin quickly.

"Ok? Dinner already started, but if we hurry, we can still get some good food." Lacy spoke, leading Patton to the mess hall. Patton keeps the smile on his face despite the inner turmoil. He guessed the lady was Hecate, he also knew that Vigil would freak out if he told him, Roman would want to rush off and do the quest, and Logan would want to analyze everything that Patton saw. He was conflicted, if he said something, he’d ruin any joy that the other three had found, but if he said nothing, he’d mess up any advantage that they would have. Gretchen must have noticed something on Patton face, because he sat next to Patton and stared.

After a few minutes of staring Gretchen spoke, "Patton, something is wrong. What is it?"

Patton mentally debated wether or not to tell him anything, "I had a dream and now I’m worried. I have no idea what to do and it’s stressing me out."

"Ok, what was the dream about? Most half-bloods have prophetic dreams, is the end of the world happening again? That would suck, we just finished a war like 6 months ago."

Patton's eyes widen, "Nope, not saying anything. Please stop asking." Gretchen looked at Patton surprised, but didn’t say anything. Patton stood up and walked to the cabin, determined not to tell anyone till he needed to. When everyone came back from dinner, he pretended to be asleep. Someone poked his shoulder, but he didn’t respond. Eventually the chatter died down and everyone went to sleep. Patton fell asleep and didn’t have any dreams like .

#patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #ocs #pjo au #angsty boi #i love my sons boi #smart boi #extra™ boi #food #joan writes

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save-the-cronch · 7 years

Text

Demigod AU

this actually sucks

I really hate it

and I’m sorry

Running had always been one of Connor’s favorite pass times. However, lately Connor realized that running from harm is much less exhilarating. Why was Connor running exactly? Well, recently Connor had found out why his dad had always seemed to resent him so much. It turns out that Connor’s dad, Larry was tricked by a Greek Goddess into thinking that she was his wife. Then, nine months later, Larry found Connor on his doorstep. Larry wanted to toss Connor, his new born baby, into an orphanage. Cynthia, however, begged to keep Connor. She knew that Connor wasn’t hers, but Larry had already told Cynthia what had happened. She wanted to raise Connor as her own, and she hates the thought of her husband just abandoning his child.

Connor still doesn’t know who his mother is. He’s not even sure he wants to know. All he knows about her is that she’s a Greek Goddess, and she can make herself look like his mom. Step mom? Connor isn’t sure anymore.

Currently, Connor was running from a serpent like animal. Thankfully, Connor wasn’t alone. He was with two other people, both students from his grade, both people he could tolerate. One of them was a boy named Evan Hansen, he seemed to be very anxious about a lot of things. Connor always saw him eating lunch under a big oak tree at their school. The other, was a girl named Alana Beck, she had gone to school with Connor and Evan since seventh grade, extremely smart. Alana had apparently been sent to watch over them during the school year. She told them that she was a daughter of Athena, no shock there, and was suppose to take them to some sort of camp if anything bad happened. Well, three days ago, a cyclops had stumbled upon their town, and nearly destroyed the mall, which Connor, Evan, and Alana all happened to be in. Connor was picking his sister up from a movie, Evan was working, and Alana was at the movie with Zoe, Connor’s sister. Alana instantly sprung into action, she had a dagger hidden in the soles of each shoe. Luckily the cyclops was a baby, and Alana was able to kill it with only getting a few scratches and a sprained wrist. Evan had been worried, but Alana stated that nectar and ambrosia would fix that. Connor had never heard of such medicine, and it turns out they weren’t medicine. Nectar was a drink, and ambrosia looked a lot like lemon bars.

“Gods! If we could just stop running, I could grab my daggers and kill the bitch!” Alana yells. Connor has also learned that Alana doesn’t swear, unless she’s angry or in combat mode. “Boys, cover for me, I need my fucking daggers.”

Evan and Connor both halt and stare at each other, watching as the serpent closes in on them. Evan seems to get an idea, as he closes his eyes, and screws up his face. Connor watches in awe as a nearby tree’s branches extend and wrap around the serpent. The animal thrashes and snaps at the branch. Alana then looks up, and is glad to see that one of the boys has a power, and a handy one at that. Alana believes she’s with a son of Demeter, but you can never be sure until you’re claimed.

Alana leaped forward and dug one dagger into the beast’s chest, and the other in the head. The serpent thrashes once more, then slumps. Two seconds later, Alana is covered in golden monster dust, and Connor is clapping. “Well done you two, glad to know I don’t have to run anymore, how much longer until we get to this camp place?”

“After three days of buses and walking, Camp Half-Blood is about a thirty minute hike from here. Once we’re there, we’re safe. Come on, just cause the serpent is gone, doesn’t mean we can’t still get attacked.” Alana places the daggers back into her shoes, and continues to walk.

“Y-you mean we, uh, we can st-still get attacked?” Evan stutters out, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. At the beginning of all this, Evan had had a cast. Alana had given him ambrosia and nectar, and then cut the cast clean off with her blades. Evan had said his arm had never felt better.

“When a demigod is not in Camp Half-Blood or Camp Jupiter, they’re never one hundred percent safe,” Alana informs the two boys that were walking behind her.

“What’s Camp Jupiter?” Connor asks.

“The Roman demigod camp, we’re going to the greek camp. We’ve found away to know if you’re Roman or Greek, and recently we found a way to know if your parent is from a different god.”

“Wait, there’s more than just the Greeks? Are you kidding?” Connor is shocked, but also a bit confused. So if there are multiple sea gods, do they like each live in a certain area, or do they switch out from time to time?

“Yes, there is Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse, and probably many more, but those are the ones that we know about.”

“We, a-as in C-camp Half-Bl-blood?”

Alana nods her head in clarification. “A couple years ago, a demigod named Percy Jackson got the Greek and Roman gods to promise that they will claim any of their kids when they walk into camp, and so, if none of the gods claim a kid, Hermes comes in and is able to recognize which set of gods the kids godly parent is from. Because of this, the Hermes cabin isn’t over populated anymore, which his children greatly appreciate.”

They walk along in silence after that, Alana leading the way, and Evan and Connor take in the new information.

Ten minutes later, they arrive next to a giant pine tree, with a golden fleece on a branch, and a dragon sleeping at the base. Once the trio is next to the tree, the dragon springs up, snorting at us. Once it sees Alana, the dragon smiles, or does the closest thing to a smile a dragon can do, and lays back down to sleep.

The three march forward, and at the top of the hill, Connor and Evan stop, staring down at the field below.

In the middle, there were a bunch of cabins, all seemed to be designed differently. One was blue, no windows except for the wall facing the lake, one was red with barbed wire everywhere. One of them was glowing in the sun. Two of them were pitch black, the main differences would be that one had what seemed to be a wheel above the door, and the other was surrounded by dead grass. Connor noticed that Evan kept staring at the green one with a garden on the roof.

There also seemed to be a rock wall with lava rocks falling from the top. There was a stable and two girls were grooming a horse with wings. There was an arena, where sounds of metal on metal could be heard. There was so much to look at, Connor wasn’t sure what he liked most.

“Come on, I gotta bring you to the Big House so I can then checkin with Annabeth. She’s my sister, and head councilor.” Alana begins to walk down the hill, waving for the two boys to follow. Alana leads them down the hill to a big blue building, where a man drinking a Pepsi is playing a game with another man in a wheel chair.

“Chiron, Mr. D, I have the two demigods I was sent to look after,” Alana informs the two men, as she walks up the steps to the building.

“Ah, Ainsley, well done,” The man with the Pepsi says. The other man in a wheel chair smiles kindly, and moves his hands on top of therm rests, and pushes himself. Connor and Evan watch in shock and amazement as the man’s lower body turns into that of a horses.

“Thank you, Alana,” The horse man says, “Will you please go and find Will Solace, he was assigned for the camp introduction for these two.”

Alana nods, and runs inside the blue building.

“I’m Chiron, and this is Mr. D, more commonly known as Dionysus, we are your camp directors.”

“W-wait, Chiron? And Di-dionysus? L-like the centaur trainer Ch-chiron, and the g-god of wi-wine Dionysus?” Evan asks, amazed. Connor is more amazed by the fact Evan knows this stuff.

Chiron smiles, “Yes, that would be us.”

Mr. D grumbles from his chair, sipping his Pepsi.

“Now, which one of you is Connor, and which one is Evan?” Chiron asks, placing his hands on his hips.

“I’m Connor, that’s Evan.” Connor jabs his finger towards Evan, and leans up against the Blue Building’s porch.

“Are these the new campers Chiron?” Another boy emerges from the Blue Building, Alana behind him. He has a mop of curly blond hair, and hundreds of freckles scattered across his face. He has a surfer’s tan, and bright blue eyes. He’s wearing an orange shirt that says ‘Camp Half-Blood’, khaki pants, and blue flip-flops, with a doctors coat over his clothes, and a stethoscope around his neck. His neck also holds a necklace with beads of different designs on it. “I’m Will Solace, head counselor for the Apollo Cabin, and head of the infirmary.”

“I’m Connor Murphy.” Connor ignores Will’s out stretched hand.

“I-I’m Evan Ha-hansen.” Evan shakes Will’s hand, not looking away from the ground.

“Alright, I’ll show you around camp, then I’ll show you the video. Where we are right now is the Big House, it’s where the counselors have meetings, where we put quest artifacts, where the infirmary is, and where Mr. D and Chiron live” Will continues to show them around everywhere, having done this a few times. While walking around camp, Will introduced Evan and Connor to a few people. The first person they saw was someone named Leo Valdez, he was carrying a lot of metal. Apparently he is a son of Hephaestus. Then they met Annabeth and Percy, Annabeth is a daughter of Athena, and her boyfriend, Percy, is the son of Poseidon. They then ran into Connor and Travis Stoll and Katie and Miranda Gardner. The Stolls are sons of Hermes, and the Gardeners are daughters of Demeter. Finally, they met Nico Di Angelo. He’s the son of Hades, and Will’s boyfriend. Nico accompanied them to the camp intro video.

After they were done with watching the video, Will takes them to the pavilion for dinner. Pretty much the whole camp is there already. Once we pass the front entrance, a the grass at the base of the steps spring up and wrap themselves around Evan’s legs. Then a glowing symbol appeared above his head, as if a glowing vine was growing from his head. Everyone looked up at Evan, and Katie Gardner from earlier, run up to the boys.

“Oh good, you defiantly seemed like a Demeter kid, come on you can sit with us.” With that, Katie grabbed a frightened Evan by his wrist and dragged him to his new siblings. Connor sighs, he was alone again. He continued on to the food line, and once he was about to dump some of my food into the fire as Alana just told him to, some sort of sacrifice for the Gods or whatever, a sudden warm feeling over came him, and he looks up to see a broken wheel glowing darkly above him.

“Awesome, welcome to the Nemesis cabin.” Those words were spoken by a kid with ear length dark brown hair, he was leaning on his table and staring at Connor. “well, come on, you’ve got some new siblings to mingle with.” The kid beckons Connor over. Once Connor is done at the fire, he waltz over to his new ‘siblings.’

Through out the entire meal, they try to talk to Connor, but he mainly ignores it. Instead he decides to stare at the Demeter table where Evan actually seems to be getting along with his siblings. Connor wishes he wasn’t so closed off. But hey, what is he gonna do?

For the rest of the summer, Connor, Evan, and Alana all stay at Camp Half Blood. Evan and Connor both adjusted rather quickly. Connor learns he’s happier without is dad around, and Evan figures out that his siblings are really calming and caring. They both learn that they defiantly love it at camp. Connor wants to stay year round, his father makes him come back for school. Evan doesn’t mind going back home for school, he misses his mom to much while he’s gone. But now, because of camp he has two new friends at school, and many new friends at camp.

For once in their lives, both boys are very happy.

Ugh, I’m a horrible writer and I wish this had a different ending.

#deh #connor murphy #evan hansen #larry murphy #cynthia murphy #heidi hansen #alana beck #pro crossover #dear evan hansen

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fandammit · 7 years

Text

With you by my side

[A/N: Written for the @slackru fluff challenge - Kabby from other people’s perspectives. Set during DNR from Nathan Miller’s POV. A healthy dose of Mackson because of course.]

On Ao3

As far Miller could tell, they were pretty fucked. "We're not fucked," Jackson said quietly next to him. He turned towards Jackson, blinking back his surprise. First, that Jackson even said the word fucked. It seemed weird and wrong (and, therefore, hot). Secondly-

"I didn't mean to say that out loud," he muttered, scraping his hand across his beard. Jackson glanced over at him and smiled - a small, shy thing that made Miller's heart leap awkwardly and annoyingly up to his throat. "You didn't," Jackson replied, bumping his shoulder into Miller’s. "I could just tell by the look on your face."

He raised his eyebrow, a smirk ghosting across his lips.

“Spend a lot of time staring at my face, Jackson?”

Jackson cleared his throat and huffed out a chuckle, turning to face Miller directly.

“It can’t be all that surprising,” Jackson said. His voice was low, shy in a way that seemed nearly purposefully coy. Miller peered closely at him, trying to catch his expression, before replying with an uncharacteristic level of hesitance.

“It actually kind of is.”

Jackson blinked a few times, a thoughtful look on his face as turned his eyes up to meet Miller’s.

Somehow, impossibly, Jackson’s eyes still shone bright in the darkness, warm and kind with an electric hint of mischief at the edges. In the fire-lit dimness of the jail cell, they looked almost gold.

Miller had never been much for describing things as beautiful - the word didn’t really have a place up in the coldness of the Ark and life on the ground had been too fucking brutal for it to warrant a use - but it was the only word that popped into his mind as he found himself momentarily unable to look away from Jackson’s gaze.

He sucked in a breath, letting it out slowly and shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.

A vain attempt, apparently, since in the next second his eyes dropped down to Jackson’s lips. It was only for the slightest moment but enough, he realized, for Jackson to catch him looking. He wanted to grimace at being caught, but instead felt a flare of want - close and heavy - when he saw his own desire reflected back at him, found that Jackson’s elegant mouth had curved up into a smile.

A loud, guttural sound of laughter from their Azgeda guards broke the moment, drawing their attention away from one another and towards the front of their jail cell.

Miller let out a long push of air, half disappointed, half relieved at the interruption. However much he wanted to kiss Jackson - and it was, admittedly, an absurdly overwhelming feeling of want - doing so in the middle of an Azgeda jail with their Chancellor and Chief Medical Officer and half a dozen Arkadia guards three steps away and their lives in the hands of a pissed off Azgeda king wasn’t exactly ideal.

Although, honestly, a part of him thought they that were definitely staring down the end of their lives and, barring that, were certainly staring down the end of the world. Given that, wasn’t any moment an ideal moment?

He scrubbed a hand across his beard again and, in an effort to keep himself from simply launching himself at Jackson, let his eyes wander around the jail cell instead.

His gaze landed on the Chancellor and Dr. Griffin huddled together on a narrow bench at the far end of the cell. The cell was made to hold at least twice the amount of its current half dozen, but the two were still pushed closely together as though any kind separation would be some kind of inconvenience. Her legs were draped over his lap, her head resting on his shoulder as his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Somehow they’d managed it so that both their hands were tangled together; Dr. Griffin was tracing the lines of Kane’s fingers as they rested on her knees, her other hand looped around her torso to join with his around her shoulders.

For two people who seemed so decidedly undemonstrative, it was a weird to see them so wrapped up in one another. Weirder still to realize how natural it seemed, as if they had spent their entire lives intertwined, when he in fact knew the exact opposite to be true. His father had been a guard long enough to have brought home enough stories of Councilor Kane and Dr. Griffin screaming at each other yet again over opposite ends of the Council table. Even in the weeks following Mount Weather - when personal space between the two disappeared completely, Kane spent half his time visibly fighting to keep himself from reaching out to touch Dr. Griffin, and the entire camp had stories of walking in on the two almost kissing - their relationship had been one of restraint, of holding back rather than giving in.

He heard Jackson shift next to him and glanced back at him, taking note of the expression on his face.

“Is that weird for you?” Miller asked, gesturing to Kane and Dr. Griffin in the corner.

Jackson hesitated briefly - so much so that someone who wasn’t paying attention probably wouldn’t notice.

So, of course, Miller noticed.

Because - and he was finally willing to admit this - he spent a lot of time noticing Jackson; spent time studying his face when he wasn’t looking - taking note of the tiniest inflections of emotion across his generally placid face, the variations of cadence in his tone.

Apparently the only thing he hadn’t noticed was how much Jackson had noticed him.

“Why would it be weird?” Jackson replied, his voice so devoid of identifying emotion it could only be practiced.

“You said you’ve basically spent most of your time with the Griffins since your mom died.” Jackson tilted his head, obviously surprised that he remembered so much. There was something profoundly lonely about the way Jackson was always so taken aback when someone other than Abby remembered him or understood him or even just saw him; it made Miller’s heart ache a little. On impulse, he reached out and rested his hand on Jackson’s knee. “That makes Dr. Griffin kind of like a mom to you, right? So it must be a little like seeing your mom get re-married.”

Jackson looked down at Miller hand on his knee so long that Miller wondered if he should move it away. Instead, Jackson moved his hand over Miller’s before tilting his head up, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smile.

“It’s so - uh - charming to me that you call her Dr. Griffin.”

Miller rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t his lips curling up as he did.

“Yes, I’m adorable.” He deadpanned, then grinned at Jackson. “And so are you,” he said, relishing way Jackson’s eyes lit up as he said it. “But you’re also changing the subject.”

Jackson’s smile turned rueful as he nodded slowly.

“It was weird. But not so much any more.”

He huffed a laugh at Miller’s skeptical eyebrow raise.

“It’s still a little weird.”

Jackson looked over back over at the couple. Miller studied the lightness in his expression as Dr. Griffin laughed at something Kane said, the sound carefree and relaxed in a way he hadn’t heard from her in weeks. Kane dipped his head to drop a kiss along Abby’s hairline, the adoration and devotion plainly written across his face, obvious even from where they were across the room. Jackson turned back towards him. “Abby - she just sees the best in everyone, you know? She’s just a good person, through and through.”

“So, you don’t think that Kane is good enough for her?”

Jackson considered his words, then shook his head.

“I’m not sure if I think anyone is good enough for her.”

Miller nodded, then glanced back over at Dr. Griffin and Kane. As cold as Kane used to be, his emotions were always clearly displayed on his face when it came to Dr. Griffin. In that hellish torture chamber under Mount Weather, it had been desperation and despair and panic wrapped into one, his hands straining against the cuffs in a futile attempt to free her - or else, switch places with her. In those long winter months after Mount Weather, it had been longing and desperation of a different kind, the despair of a man who sees something he wants and wonders if he’ll ever deserve it.

Even now, with Abby wrapped in his arms, her hands clasped around his own, there was still a glimmer of disbelief on his face, a lingering undertow of amazement that he no longer had to hold himself away from her.

He turned towards Jackson.

“You know, I think Kane would actually agree with you on that one.”

Jackson nodded.

“I’ve always known he was a smart man.”

They were quiet for a long moment, Jackson focused on their clasped hands, Miller studying Dr. Griffin and Kane.

“And anyway,” Jackson finally said, “it’s not really about deserving, is it? If it were, then we’d probably all end up alone.”

Miller stared at him for a moment before stretching his legs out in front of him, then turned his hand over to twine their fingers together and brought their hands up to his lap.

“People like Kane and I would.” He looked over at Jackson with unmasked affection. “But people like you and Abby wouldn’t.”

Jackson gave him a long, heady look before shuffling closer to him, their arms flush with one another, his head dropping down against Miller’s shoulder

They were turned towards Kane and Dr. Griffin, whose heads were now bowed low in furtive discussion. They’d shifted enough for Miller to see the complete tenderness between the two, for him to notice the way Dr. Griffin’s fingertips traced the emptiness around Kane’s ring finger, how Kane’s stare lingered on the place where her necklace used to be.

There was something achingly hopeful about it, about them. About the fact that two people could come back from bitterness between them and darkness within them, could find tenderness and light and love for the first time and again, despite war around them and sorrow within them.

“He really loves her,” Jackson said after a moment, his words mirroring Miller’s own thoughts. “He loves her the way she deserves to be loved.” He shifted up to look at Miller. “I think that’s enough to make someone worthy.”

Miller nodded, his cheek brushing against the soft strands of Jackson’s dark hair. Idly, he wondered what they might feel like tangled in his fingers.

He hoped there’d be enough time to find out.

“God, I really hope we’re not fucked.”

#mackson #kabby #kabby fic #mackson fic #eric jackson #nathan miller #abby griffin #marcus kane #my fic

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strongenoughfoundation-blog · 7 years

Text

Paper Planes (Lin-Manuel x Reader)

Summary: Soulmate AU where if you throw a paper plane out your window it always makes its way to your soulmate. You can’t write your full name, your location, or any contact info, anything else is fair game. It’s up to fate to bring you together.

Word Count: 1,775

Warnings: Zero proofreading. It’s strictly fluff though so you’re safe here.

A/N: This was such a cute idea and also reminded me of that one Disney short. You know the one. Also, I will jump at any opportunity I can to write sappy love notes and Lin’s messy handwriting. Please don’t ask me about logistics of this, I have no idea what happens if your window is shut and your soulmate throws a plane, I’m just here to write fluff. EPILOGUE ___________________________________

Your parents had told you the story all through your childhood. They would always weave you intricate tales at bedtime about how you might meet your soulmate. Your favorite stories always had a prince playing that role. As you got older the stories evolved from fictitious plots to questions and conversations.

You received your first letter from him at seven years old. It took you by surprise when the paper plane made of blue construction paper landed on the floor of your bedroom. You scrambled from you bed to scoop it up and inspect it. You unfolded it carefully, flipping it over.

‘ Hi! My name is Lin! ‘

You yelped as if the paper itself had spoken and ran into the living room where your mom was preoccupied with a book. She seemed to notice your panic because her eyes immediately left the pages to study your face.

“They wrote you, didn’t they?” she asked wryly with a twinkle in her eye. You squeaked out a yes, shoving the blue paper towards her. She unfolded it to see the note before chuckling. “Well, are you gonna write them back or not?”

You spent the entire night debating and when your mom came into your room to kiss you goodbye before she left for work she saw you sitting on the floor surrounded in papers.

“For them or from them?” she asked with an amused smile as she leaned against your doorway.

“For.”

By seventeen you were consistently launching paper planes. Your favorite hobby was to bring your notebook out onto the fire escape and draft letters before folding them just so and releasing them into the air. Lin had become quite the writer. Most days he out wrote you three letters to one. You loved to tease him about it, withholding the fact that you had tucked away every plane you’d ever received from him in a box for safe keeping. Some planes were well worn from the amount of times you had unfolded them to read.

‘ Some day you’ll be sitting with me as I brainstorm ideas for lyrics, until then you’ll have to survive without a melody. ‘

You smiled at the verses he had scrawled beneath the note, further convincing yourself that your soulmate was a genius.

You were twenty-one when you thought you had finally figured out a way around the stupid stipulations. He couldn’t tell you where he was but he could tell you all about his university. You circumvented enough you had narrowed it down to what you thought was his school. What you hoped. He couldn’t confirm though but the hints were enough.

‘ Named after John Wesley ‘

‘ Private college ‘

‘ Cardinals ‘

You could work with that. You were no Sherlock Holmes but you didn’t have to be to ask your own college’s councilors what school might fit that criteria. The question earned you a weird look at your specificity but it also got you a name. Wesleyan University. It was only two hours away from NYU - you had opted to stay in the city.

You should’ve known that fate would intervene. It clearly wasn’t your time yet. Maybe if you had paused in all your excitement and realized all the warning signs that you shouldn’t be trying this - losing your keys, your cell phone dying, getting lost while heading out of the city despite driving that same road at least a hundred times - you wouldn’t have had to spend hours waiting for a tow truck to pick up your car. It worked fine the minute they dropped it off at a mechanic back in the city. You had to draft Lin a letter that night and the paper absorbed your frustration in heavy pen strokes and angsty words -

‘ Can’t make it, fate intervened. I’m suddenly convinced our day will never come. ‘

Your twenty-eighth birthday you woke up to three planes waiting for you. Each piece of paper was filled to the brim with long-winded sentences, but your favorite part was that it was written on blue construction paper. Maybe it was a sign. It certainly was the reason you had some pep in your step as you carried on through your day.

The universe seemed to favor you today and you were elated. It was the perfect temperature out for you to slip on your favorite dress which drew you a sweet compliment from the doorman as you went out into the day. Your favorite coffee shop brewed your coffee just right and with just enough cinnamon, and to top it all off they gave it to you for free. Most importantly, your boss surprised you with a cute cupcake on your desk and insisted you only work half a day - unheard of in your office.

Now you strolled aimlessly down the sidewalk, humming happily to yourself as you enjoyed the rest of your free day. You were saving any birthday plans for the weekend. You murmured a few words under your breath of a song that you just couldn’t get out of your head, your eyes lazily surveying the buildings and people you passed before you screeched to a halt. You heard a huff from behind you as people dodged your abrupt stop but you were too busy staring at the marquee sign with your mouth hanging open.

In The Heights

You had read that name about a thousand times over the past couple years. This couldn’t be right though, you weren’t supposed to just randomly stumble across what you and your soulmate had spent years talking about. You weren’t expecting Lin to waltz into your life on a white horse but you also weren’t expecting to just happen across the theater he worked in after eating a snow cone.

Do you go inside? Do you come back another day? Were you dreaming this up? You didn’t have any answers, only a plethora of questions. So, you acted impulsively, marched right up to a ticket broker and bought a ticket for tonight’s show. You wished that confidence had stayed with you the rest of the day.

Lin’s show was even more wonderful than you had dreamed it to be. The moment he stepped on stage you knew that you were meant to be there. Your heart was probably beating as loudly as the music. When the show drew to an end you realized you had no plan whatsoever. You stupidly didn’t write Lin to let him know you were gonna be there - you didn’t even know if you could’ve to be fair. So when they took the final bow you just awkwardly stayed in your seat as people filed out.

“Ma’am, do you need any help?” an usher asked as he approached you. Oh boy did you.

“Y-yeah, I’m actually looking to meet Lin. Lin-Manuel? From the play? Like Usnavi.” you clamped your mouth shut realizing you were making a fool of yourself.

“Is he expecting you?” the usher asked, quirking a brow. You probably seemed crazy to him. You probably were crazy.

“He’s not but it’s really important. If you could catch him, he’d know who I am.” you promised and he seemed to debate. Every passing second set you more on edge, he could be leaving right now and you were so set on meeting him tonight.

“I’ll see if I can catch him, what’s your name?” the usher finally said and you breathed a sigh of relief.

“[Y/N].” you offered and he nodded.

“Stay here. I’ll see what I can do.” he left quickly and you glanced around awkwardly, unsure of what to do. You wrung your hands as you stood in front of your seat shifting your weight between your feet. You heard footsteps rushing back onto the stage and you looked up to see Lin still in his costume.

“[Y/N]?” he called breathlessly and you waved before wincing at your awkwardness. This wasn’t how it’s supposed to go, you were supposed to be charming.

“Hi,” you squeaked out in an attempt to make up for it but it was way worse than just the wave. You could feel yourself deflating but any over-analyzing you were doing came to an end when Lin leapt from the stage to the floor below and jogged over to you.

“You’re really here? How are you really here?” Lin asked, taking your hands in his. Despite meeting him for the first time his close proximity felt comfortable and the notion of that didn’t really seem strange to you. This was the person you told everything to after all, he was there for every broken bone, embarrassment, failed test, lost friend, everything.

“I,” you paused trying to figure it out for yourself first. “I just found the theater. I was walking around and I saw the sign for your show and I bought a ticket.”

“You just stumbled across my show?” Lin repeated incredulously and you nodded nervously. Maybe he had wanted a grand gesture. He let out a bark of a laugh before pulling you by your hands to crash into his embrace. “I can’t believe you’re here!”

You woke up the next morning with a huge grin on your face that you couldn’t wipe off even if you wanted to. You and Lin had spent hours together after his show at a nearby diner talking about everything. Despite all the years you had written each other, you still managed to come up with things to talk about. The conversation was so easy and interesting the next thing you knew it was 2am. He walked you back to your apartment and had given you a kiss on the cheek that had lingered until you fell asleep.

You swung your legs to the side of your bed to get out when you noticed a paper plane sitting on the floor of your bedroom.

‘ [Y/N],

It’s only been a couple of hours since I last saw you but I’m missing you already. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you but I must’ve done something right. Of all the amazing things I’ve been blessed with, you are at the top of the list.

I know you usually spend your Saturdays reading the books you don’t have time to during the week, but maybe I can convince you to meet up with me between shows for coffee? Plus, I’d like a redo of last night, I would’ve played a much better Usnavi if I knew you were there.

Siempre, Lin

P.S. I’m glad you were wrong, our someday did come.

EPILOGUE

Tagged: @overcaffeinated-and-underslept @gratitudejoyandsorrow

#headcannon that he keeps writing her letters the rest of their lives #and folding them into paper airplanes #i'd be willing to write a sequel to this ngl #anyways #i'm unconscious of any intentional error #<my tag for fics i don't proofread #i'll stop talking already #work #lin x reader #lin manuel x reader #lin manuel miranda x reader #lin manuel imagine #lin manuel fanfic #lmm x reader

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punkrockkenzie · 4 years

Text

Be The Author Of Your Own Story

I hope that through this, as well as anything I write, you are able to find yourself in it. To whoever needs this, you are strong, you are brave, and you are perfect in your imperfections.

When I was young, I tried really hard to be what was expected of me. I did what I was told, for the most part, and I held straight A's in school because it was what I was supposed to do. I was told all the time that I was smart, and that I would be wasting my life if I didn't grow to achieve what it seemed was predestined for me to achieve. I mean, in the first grade I wrote that when I grew up I wanted be a lawyer. Truth is, I didn't even know what I lawyer was but it was what was dictated to me so as most kids do, I trusted that it was correct.

As I grew, I found that the more I tried to be what I was supposed to be, the harder it was for me to make anyone truly happy, let alone myself. I wasn't thinking about what I wanted or what I needed because no one ever asked me. I didn't even know that was an option. I knew that I struggled with anxiety. I was painfully shy. I hated confrontation and yelling. I also knew that none of those things would be able to assist me in getting to where I was told I should be. If I cried, I was told to suck it up, don't be a baby, "you're too sensitive". If I was bothered I was told, oh well, things aren't made for you. If I was scared, I was told there was no reason for me to afraid, and I had to toughen up. What my mom didn't wan't to raise, was someone who was weak. There was not much room for human emotion, that was weakness. On top of that, when something went wrong, or veered from the plan, she was outright terrifying to younger me. There was yelling and physical punishments and anything I said in rebuttal was more reason for her to continue until she received total and utter submission.

When I was driven into the depths of a massive eating disorder, I wasn't met with concern and hugs. I was given cold hard faces and disappointment. I was given hurt and more failure. I had no outward power over myself, so the only way I could maintain something for myself was to believe she, or whoever for that matter could think what they wanted, but that didn't mean I had been broken. For a long while, I just played the game. I did what I was told. I reacted the way I was supposed to. I showed what she wanted to see. That was until I didn't. After my rape (See Too Drunk To Do The Devil's Tango), I felt there was nothing for me to hold onto anymore. In a sense, I felt the good in my soul was gone and I was a voided wasteland of problems. I had been told before, "I'm not the one with the problem, you are.." I didn't believe it then, but man did it stick in the long run. Basically, at this point, the ripe old age of 13 or so, I gave up. I thought that I had tried for so long to be what everyone else wanted. It had still gotten me hit, yelled at, cursed at, grounded; more so, it had still gotten me raped. I didn't care anymore, not at what people thought of me, not of what I thought about myself, not about if I was making good or bad choices, not about if I woke up in the morning or not; I was empty and numb and terribly alone. I drank, I partied, I smoked, I had sex, I snuck out....I became everything that those punishments had taught me I was; a problem. At least now there was a reason for me to take the crap. At least now I could rationalize what I had experienced. I was doing terribly in school. Not because I couldn't do it, but because I didn't want to do it. I was done with people telling me how and when and why. All I wanted was to be free. To be grown. To be my own damn person. I detested school.

By my freshman year of high school, a time when kids should be exploring themselves and their interests and goals and friends, I had more Saturday schools then there were Saturdays in the year. I asked my councilor if I could go to Independent Study instead. At least that showed some signs of freedom; some promise of light at the end of the tunnel. I was told that if I could bring my grades up by the end of the semester, they would let me transfer. That was all I needed to hear and so, within weeks I was more than just a "passing" student. I went to Independent Study from the end of my freshman year, to the middle of my sophomore year. I learned that I could take the CA Exit Exam as a possible early out. If I passed the English and the Math sections, I would finally be FREE. Grown. Out. Done. I took it, low and behold I passed it, and by the middle of my 10th grade year, I had my certificate of proficiency. I left with my high school diploma in hand, and never, ever looked back.And then came my daughter. Shortly thereafter I became pregnant with my oldest daughter. My mom told me to get an abortion. I told her no. She tried for a while. I still said no. Once it was realized that I wasn't going to budge in my feelings towards getting rid of the "issue", the concern then became that I wasn't married. How could I possibly have a child without being married!? I had to get him to marry me. Marriage. Huh. Well, I'd get to leave at least. Sure, why not.

At 16 years old, I was signed away and married. I left to my "wedding" in Vegas, and never returned back to the place I once laid my head. I was gone for 10 years. 10 years without a guiding hand. 10 crucial years of raising kids and trying to be a wife while still growing up myself. The issue was, I didn't know who I was supposed to grow into. All I had been told was to go to college, be a lawyer, be a proper "born again Christian", but none of this fit into who I felt myself to be or the life I was in. Sure I believed In God, I had been through too much to deny the existence of something much bigger than us, something good and grand and perfect; but I found no comfort in Religion. I couldn't understand it. I felt it was used to justify the horrible treatment of others and truthfully it went against everything I felt God to be. I didn't really want to be a lawyer. Matter of fact, I didn't know what I wanted to be. I knew if I could choose anything I would have been a singer or an actress or something amazing like that. I also knew that felt like a pipe dream. Be realistic, I'd hear. So, there went that. I knew I tried beauty school. I liked it, it was nice....but forever? Like, for eva eva? Hm. Not so sure that was me either. See, I never had the chance to explore who I truly was and who I wanted to become. I was mature in so many ways because of having to council myself for so long, but in the ways of life, I was very much stunted. I didn't know how to vulnerable, or be scared, or ask for help. All I knew was to deal with it. And there was so very much that I was simply "dealing with" for way too long.

Funny enough, the first time I ever really felt like me, the genuine me, was when I was in my early-mid 20s. I had my best friend, and great group of girls who had, like me, raised and developed ourselves. We had been on own for a long while, and had been denied the pleasures of being able to grow as we should have. I had a job that while I'm glad now didn't pan out the way it was at the time, gave me a sense of independence and adoration and the freedom I so desperately craved. I had my children who were happy and healthy and precious. I had a sense of pride in myself that I had never felt before. I even met someone who made me truly happy. Life, for the first time in forever, was becoming my own.....

Nothing lasts forever though right?

Right. The divorce happened. I got married out of necessity, because I was told it was the right the thing do. Instead of happily ever after though, it was more like, from the oven into the fire. I was married to someone who was very controlling. Someone who was manipulative and extremely cruel at times. Someone who didn't care to ask about my feelings, my wants, my needs or desires. Someone who felt all too familiar to how things had been in the years prior, and so, just as I always had I "dealt with it". I dealt with it until it was affecting my children more than I was able to protect them. I dealt with it until that person I had met and fallen for had shown me that people can be caring and kind and funny and sweet. I dealt with it, until I whole heartedly couldn't anymore. Until I didn't want to anymore.

As a final stab at control, my then husband had me and the kids kicked out of our home. He took everything we had. He turned off the internet. He took my job. He took any money that was available. He tried to take my kids. What he wanted, was for it to kill me, but I refused to die. See, if he had paid attention, he would've known that I had already lived through things that felt like death, and as hard as it all was, I was never going to give anyone the satisfaction of putting the nail in my coffin.

What it did do though, that final stab, was drop me to the ground for a while. A long while. After 10 years of being gone, after 16 years of being told who I was, after 7 years of self discovery and after 1 year of happiness, I had no choice but to return to where I once called home, to a place where I was never going to be my own self. In almost an instant, I was thrown back into the oven from which I once emerged and battered with who I should be and what I was. Beyond that, what I was becoming; was still not good enough. "So what are you going to do? You have to do something. Get a job. You need to pay us rent." I got a job. A 10.00 an hour, still taking my kids to school and picking them up and going back to work after, job. A work up to 11 hours or more job. A pay back the money for the divorce lawyer, job. I got a damn job. "You are gone too much. You work too much. I am not a babysitter. Take care of your own kids. Why are you sleeping? Be a better mother. Go to school."Well which is it? Work, or stay home with the kids? "You are so ungrateful. Unthankful. Ms. Know-it-all. Clean up more. You're a slob. So messy. No wonder Jason left you."

He didn't leave me. He was never truly with me. Were you there? Did you see the years of cheating? Of abuse? Of tears? Did you see that I was the only one to ever get up with the kids? How about being dropped to the ground so hard that I thought my head split. How about the multiple concussions or busted jaw? Is that why he left me? I filed for divorce remember?"You're a leach. A mooch. Be a lawyer."I don't want to be a lawyer."Then you get what you get for not listening."

The divorce took 3 1/2 years. I did most of it on my own. Drowning in paper work and court hearings and massive problematic crippling anxiety. No, I did not want to be a lawyer. Time though, kept passing. I was back out of the house with my kids, about a year after moving in and it took me around another 3 years just to be able to feel like some sort of normal. I looked at what was around me. Truly, for the first time in a long time, looked. I saw that my kids were growing, there is someone in my life who has never let me believe a bad thing about myself, I am fully divorced, and now, I'm damn old. I've made it to 30 and no where closer to that happiness I felt being all of myself, all of my true self in 2012-2013. I have once again let what I want, who I am, who I want to be, take a back seat in my own life's journey because I am scared to let those people who tell me who I should be, stand correct. I am scared to fail. I am scared to never be me. I am terrified to tell those people, that the woman writing this is the truth and the pleasantries are just a coping mechanism. I am scared to admit that while I know I am a grown woman, so much of me still feels like a girl. I am worried that they were right. That I should have been an effing lawyer.

Then, I think about what my life would be if that were the case. If my life followed the direction of others instead of my internal passions and callings. I might have my own house, and great credit. I might have vacations without worry and giant thousand dollar birthday parties. I might. Those things would be amazing. I know what I would have though. I'd have enough anxious energy to run a city block. I'd have regret. I'd have an inner ache for more. I'd have a sense of falsehood. I'd have less of a soul for selling myself short. Those things would be deathly.So, here I am. Typing away. Embracing the me I want to be. The me I am trying to once again find and grab and never let go of.

Old.(er) Stressed. Wondering. Questioning. Financially struggling.

True.Honest.Raw.Open.Healing.Almost Free.

It is hard, harder than it should be to be the person you want to be. There are so many people and things and places telling you where to go and what to amount to. I've tried following it. Even if it's easier sometimes, it's not better. Just like I am trusting that I have something to offer through my passions, you have to trust that you know what is best for you. Even if people have other plans for life. Take back the driver's seat. Find your own direction even if it takes getting lost once in a while. Take back the pen. Be the author of your own life. Even if you are staring at a lot of empty pages. Fill them with truths. Fill them with hopes. Fill them with triumphs and fill them with failures. Fill them, and then never let go of your pen. Much Love, Now And Always KBXO

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