Happy i Just recognized its May this is my season bc Im addicted to Sea Monster FL.

Imagine you're a marine Biologist or at least someone studying Marine biology. One of your buddies tries to mess with you by making you walk into the depth exhibit in an aquarium alone. It turns out theres a giant anglerfish-like beast who seems more curious, the depths exibit doesn't get many visitors as some claim its too scary even for most adults..yet you weren't scared

So you met a new friend! He responds to lots of names but he's overjoyed to see you.

Bonus: abyss octopus Kaeya and a monster Falcon called Diluc are also in this aquarium/sanctuary. You volunteer often and they only wanna see you now lol

YOU AND ME BOTH MY DEAR SEA MONSTER FOUL LEGACY IS AMAZING

ohohohoho i can only think about how lonely Foul Legacy is..... he's not trying to be scary, he's really not!!! but people always think he is and word spreads pretty fast, so no one ever visits his part of the aquarium </3

until one day he sees the door open, and you walk in!! you don't look scared at all, simply curious and determined as you explore the depths exhibit, and Childe wonders if you'd also be afraid of him. it's been so long since he met new people, and the way you examine every part of the exhibit intrigues him. he overhears you mumbling something in amazement about his particular species and has to keep himself from rumbling with pride!!

he's been watching and following you for a while when you suddenly turn to the glass. Childe is mostly hidden beneath your point of view, but you can still see the top of his head and his horns so you blink in surprise! you heard that the Abyssal mercreature wasn't particularly social. Childe's glowing patterns flare brighter when he realizes he's been seen, but instead of walking or even running out of the room, you step closer to the glass. he peeks over at you, letting out a low, curious trill as he watches you extend your hand to touch the glass. he reveals himself completely to meet you halfway, his much-larger claws on the opposite side of the window; he sees a smile grow on your wonderful, fearless face, and with that smile his heart grows with it.

you learn from a staff member that the Abyss-mer's name is Childe, and when you call him that the next day he chirps in delight, tail splashing in the water!!! but his favorite names are ones you give him, ones that are only between you and him, ones that he can sense are full of affection. it's his own little heaven, to have his head laying in your lap and dozing on and off as you pet his hair, calling him sweet nicknames and quips.

oh i LIKE this idea of a sanctuary/aquarium.... maybe when the staff saw how well you worked with Childe, they asked you to come look at some other lonely creatures!!! who all end up getting pretty attached and protective of you (especially Diluc towards Childe) to the point where if they can afford it, they refuse to be cared for by anyone but you <333

Alrighty! I’ve got both their profile pictures ready for when Art Fight fixes up whatever issues they’re having with their email provider, so here are the refs of both Piper and Alec.

Piper Pointe is a mercenary with an extremely small stature, coming in at only 2.5in tall. She has no idea how it happened, only that it is somehow vaguely connected to her previous line of work. At odds with the new world she finds herself in, she often comes off as extremely rude, vulgar, and aggressive to anyone she meets, but she wasn’t always like this. Back when she was part of a team, her leadership skills brought her and her squad through many a battle even as the pressure would have been too much for most to bear. Sometimes this part of Pointe shines through, though very rarely, especially now that everyone is a potential threat. A cornered animal without its pack has nothing to lose, so why not make a joke of it all?

When she isn’t being a little roach of a woman, she’s practical, realistic, and surprisingly understanding. She went into the military because she wanted to protect people, after all. It’s another reason why she feels so betrayed when Kyle and Grey treat her the way they did. Deep down, she wants to believe that Alec is different, but experience has proven time and again that every person she meets always ends up being the same no matter how much they deny it initially. The scars adorning her limbs, body and mind are proof enough that perhaps she was never meant to be part of a team..

! I will add more to this reference later to include her scars. For now, just know that she has two big scars on her right leg, one on her left arm (partially revealed in this ref), a few medium-sized, circular ones dotting her upper arms/shoulders, and a whole bunch of smaller ones on the rest of her body.

Alec Yrmec is an unremarkable 9th-grade chemistry teacher that does his due diligence and doesn’t have much to complain about. He loves his job, has a small but good group of friends, and works to keep as much drama out of his life as possible. His family makes this quite a task, as they somehow manage to make his life a live soap opera at every possible turn. His half-brother Grey is one of the few people from his family that he enjoys living by, even if they don’t talk terribly often.

Alec’s biology teacher friend Sarah discovers Piper on the floor of his study while both are up late grading papers one night. Alec nearly crushes Piper to death on accident during the ensuing struggle to capture her, and he still feels awful about it. He’s scared to admit it, but Alec has an awful lot of unresolved issues that result in a fear of abandonment, and a *lot* of aggression boiling just beneath his calm, introverted self. Without a means to properly vent and unwilling to burden his friends with his issues, they manifest in short bursts of clinginess and/or anger. Especially inconvenient for someone like Piper, who is too small to resist. He just wants to hold her and keep her safe.. can you really blame him?

Sooo yea! These two are currently living together under Alec’s roof. His chapters are still a ways away from being implemented in Breaking Point, but I’m so interested in developing his character and learning more about him as I write that he’s the captor I’ve drawn the most. More to come in the future!

As we can see from the above there is a wide spectrum of possible interpretations of Xiao Qi’s behaviour post-Hunt of Doom. I’ve gone through good three or four different ones myself, some of them more harsh than those sent in by my lovely Nonnies and yes, this is actually something I like to think about, sue me. And yet I stalled when faced with those particular asks; could it be that I had no answer at the ready? Actually, yes, this is exactly what I’m saying. Which is why I felt the need to re-examine some of the particularly juicy scenes related to the subject. If only to stop getting so bloody depressed about this purported change... or, alternatively, hurry up and become a veritable fountain of tears already, with all of this hemming and hawing done with once and for all.

I think we can all agree that something snapped in Xiao Qi after episode 50. Not completely, as during Hu Yao’s retelling it’s made pretty obvious there was still plenty left there to snap. And even then Xiao Qi never went full psycho, for all that he had every excuse to do so. Why, he was able to stop in his tracks and delay - or even partially abandon - his revenge when it became clear it could potentially play into the hands of some unknown, possibly hostile and probably self-serving faction. That’s more than one could reasonably expect; to be frank, when watching those last few episodes raw I got mightily confused. Because really, nobody would blame Xiao Qi for going after Zitan with actual killing intent; it may not have looked quite right even then, but it made actual sense for the character.

And oh dear, did he become ruthless! I don’t think that drama!Xiao Qi would have normally gone after witless Imperial Mooks with such utter ruthlessness when not threatened directly and certainly not because of an insult. Until he did in episode 55, that is. Without one word, like a bloody grim reaper. Not to say that he was ever loud or, gods forbid, hesitant about his killing. But neither was he this single-minded about it. There is still plenty of emotion there or rather there is plenty of emotion before - including an actual tear! - and none in the immediate aftermath of the killing.

Huh. Is it me or does this scene resemble nothing more than a burnt offering? It’s a ritual sacrifice, just look how it’s framed! Plenty of fire and smoke, sacrificial animals Mooks butchered and fired up right at the gravesite and Xiao Qi as the presiding priest entering into communion with the dead and making a solemn oath meant to ensure their peaceful rest. Well, isn’t this neat. But it’s not about the aesthetics. It’s about the way this oath is worded. Xiao Qi addresses his fallen brothers directly, which means this whole revenge business is not actually about him. It would be much, much easier if it was! The only way he enters into this equation personally at this stage is as an executioner... and as a debtor. He feels that he owes those fallen soldiers, that much is made clear. As if he wouldn’t have felt obliged to get justice for them either way! Let me tell you, they take bro code very, very seriously up there in Ningshuo.

And yet, with this oath weighing on his soul, what is Xiao Qi’s first destination? It’s not Ningshuo, where he might be able to clear up this whole supposed treason issue (and wouldn’t that be fun to see!), get resources to exact revenge or hell, even admit and undergo penance for his perceived failings, if that’s his jam. It’s not like he has any other options if he wants to get justice. Unless he’s planning to go full Dark and Toxic Avenger, which doesn’t suit him at all. And yet what is his first priority? To save his wife, of course! Which he could have done just as well with the full force of Ningshuo Army behind his back, which he could have had but for the asking. It’s not like he could have known Awu needed immediate rescuing, he’s not bloody prescient.

So, on that list of priorities Awu’s safety trumps revenge. Good to know. But it’s still before everything else, right? Yeah, no. See, there is a reason he didn’t go to Ningshuo until he had no other choice but to seek out safety for Awu and all those civilians, the Dou kids among them. It’s the same reason he doesn’t force a mutiny right at the very start and not even once he has his back pressed to the wall by a horde of wild Hulans. And why he leaves it to this men to make their own decision to follow him and even tries to talk them out of it, reminding them that officially he’s a dirty traitor and all that. So... Free choice and good reputation of living Ningshuo soldiers trump revenge, who knew. Xiao Qi, dearie, that’s not how you go on a rampage, what kind of a ruthless avenger are you? A very poor one, that’s what kind.

No, really, he’s so bad at this roaring rampage of revenge thing that I’m getting second-hand embarrassment. Because the next thing we know he’s not even framing it as revenge anymore! If you pay attention to that lovely post-coital (what, it really is!) conversation in episode 60, some things immediately jump out. Like the fact that Xiao Qi is clingy as fuck and not that eager to go anywhere outside his wife’s bed. Like the fact that he says that he needs to go as it is his duty to get to the truth. Truth! Not revenge. And it’s not like he’s framing it this way solely for Awu’s benefit as he talks to her of revenge just one episode later; truth is what is going to figure the most in his pursuit of the true culprit behind the Hunt of Doom. Truth and justice. Which is nothing like this hundredfold revenge stuff from episode 55, although revenge - normal, standard type - will still come up time to time. Could it be that this oath is Xiao Qi’s spiritus movens with truth and justice playing the role of a fig leaf preserving some resemblance of reason and legality? It’s certainly possible... if his actions supported it in any way. And they simply don’t.

Because you know what just got put onto that list of priorities above bloody revenge? Duty. Duty that all Ningshuo soldiers have towards Cheng. Zitan is sitting in his room, while his ministers run around like headless chickens. Chaos and rebellion rule supreme... so what does Xiao Qi do? He takes the scenic route to the capital, absolutely disregarding the fact that after six more months and with no advantage of surprise - hard to keep his return secret when he’s at the head of an army - the trail of this dastardly culprit could go completely cold.

So far the list of Xiao Qi priorities goes something like this:

Awu,

his living men, which includes their reputation and freedom of choice,

his duty to Cheng and its people,

truth and justice,

revenge. 

Which is pretty much what it would have looked like before episode 50, minus revenge that is. Ah, no, sorry, there is a change. There is an additional bullet point, Song Huaien. Who had gone well before truth and justice before the Hunt of Doom (remember that burnt receipt?) and now slots in right behind it. Still trumps revenge though! If he didn’t, Xiao Qi would have pressed harder during their little tete-a-tete at the end of episode 60. But no, he loses control only for the barest moment and even then it takes an implied insult to the honour of his fallen brothers in general and Best Bro in particular. Or, if that is not proof enough, he would have involved Song Huaien in his later investigation, putting pressure on him if necessary. And yet that quite noticeably doesn’t happen.

Okay, I think we’re pretty clear on this priorities thing, right? To recap, Xiao Qi’s post-episode 50 list of priorities looks like this:

Awu,

his living men, which includes their reputation and freedom of choice,

his duty to Cheng and its people,

truth and justice,

Song Huaien (currently an outsider) and his freedom of choice,

revenge.

Let’s change the subject. You are right on point, my lovely Nonnie #1, Xiao Qi hasn’t exactly changed. He just became more of himself, shedding - perhaps only temporarily - some parts, while embracing others whole-heartedly. Which hasn’t exactly gone unnoticed. And surprisingly enough I’m not talking about Awu; we shall speak of her fears in a moment. I’m speaking of Tang Jing and his strange way of reassuring Xiaohe that Dawang will be fine during their meeting with Song Huaien. DAWANG will be fine, says our faithful general, keeping a close and surprisingly wary eye on the proceedings. Why, it looks like he might be implying someone else might not be fine, that somebody being Song Huaien. Tang Jing is wrong on that count, but he had definitely noticed something off about Xiao Qi. Or maybe not off, but something that has him at the ready for possible violence, which would have been absurd before Dawang’s miraculous resurrection. Methinks someone is coming over as having no more fucks to give. Well, it’s not like Ningshuo guys disapprove! Just look at their determined little faces and upright postures (!) during the kneeling debacle in episode 61.

As for Awu... Personally I don’t think it at all strange that she questions whether Xiao Qi has changed. It would be much, much stranger if she didn’t. Her doubt is only natural as it comes right after she gets proof that Su Jin’er betrayed her in a most heinous way. And it’s not the first time she was taken by surprise like this: most of her loved ones changed in most unpleasant ways and some simply revealed their true colours. Daddy Wang, Daddy Emperor, Empress Dowager, Zitan, Potato (if one believes Helan Zhen), Xie Wanru, Zilu, Mi’er, Su Jin’er, they all turned out to be something else than she originally thought them to be and even her parents’ marriage turned out to be built on blood and penance. Turnip is not on that list as he start lying to her face only after she expresses her fear to Xiao Qi, although before she does so to Auntie Xu.

But let us look at our Dark and Toxic Avenger. He rolls up to the capital with his humongous army good six months late and does he get straight to business? Yeah, no. First he allows Awu to hold a sweet reunion with her brother, which could have damaged his cause if it ever hinged on empty posturing. It doesn’t, but still, Nonnie #1, what say you to this example of husbandly strictness? That he does not engage himself is not exactly out of character either; he does engage with those of Awu relatives he likes (so her Mom basically) and holds back with those he doesn’t (like the Screechers). He’s pretty ambivalent on Turnip, I think, especially now that he serves as Zitan’s mouthpiece.

Thank you, dear Nonnie #2 for making me pay attention to those two scenes in particular. That episode 61 conversation is something quite special and very, very telling. Let’s start from the beginning. It’s not Awu who raises the subject of Xiao Qi changing; he does it himself. She just muses on the subject in general and he immediately zeroes on it, volunteering such juicy ammo as the fact that other people think he had changed. Who are those other people, I wonder? Tang Jing? Other Ningshuo officers? Who the hell could have known Xiao Qi well enough and be close enough to have no problem with voicing such an inflammatory opinion? Must have been Tang Jing. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Xiao Qi is surprisingly conscious of his own behaviour. But I think it’s not exactly a new thing; I think his reluctance to take Awu with him in episode 60 was at least partially motivated by his fear that she’d see him at his worst. After all he didn’t actually confirm her theory about his probable reasoning. But back to episode 61! Xiao is also surprisingly insecure about his actions. At first I thought he was concerned solely about Awu’s perception of them, but now I’m not so sure. He’s a bit too touched and too grateful for her support - to the point of overselling her contribution, unless there were some cuts there, that is - for it to be just that.

As for that playfulness, merry Nonnie #3, there it is!

And strangely enough it’s Xiao Qi who initiates it. Awu’s comment about Princess Yuzhang needing to be brave doesn’t exactly feel like teasing. More like reassurance; I am your Princess Yuzhang hear me roar and you are not alone, you have a help-meet in me. He’s the one who turns to teasing her about her great bravery and being superior to Prince Yuzhang in this aspect. In the old days she might have been the one to put herself above him as a joke; this is weirdly reminiscent of that teasing but with Xiao Qi substituting for Awu. And even so their teasing doesn’t exactly last, they’re too clingy and scared for that. Well, Awu is scared, Xiao Qi is mainly conflicted. Although a lot less than before he got that sweet, sweet validation from his wife.

About that massacre talk... I just noticed that this talk of merciless revenge doesn’t exactly come of the blue. He says it in direct response to Awu voicing her fears. She’s afraid of even greater danger awaiting them in the future... so what does an excellent husband like Xiao Qi do? Why, he reassures his scaredy-cat wife that he already died once and this time it’s the culprit behind this whole bloody mess who’s going straight to hell, never to bother them again. Whoever he might be. I think... I think it’s Xiao Qi’s way of reassuring his wife that there is no need to be scared. “Darling, no, don’t worry about me, nothing bad is going to happen. Or rather yes, many bad things are going to happen, but to the guy who put this fear into your heart, whoever he might be”. It’s... surprisingly sweet. And not a complete miss; Awu is not exactly opposed, she just doesn’t want a bloodbath. True, he doesn’t respond to that; and how could he make such a promise when he doesn’t know if a bloodbath will be required. He doesn’t respond... but he does listen very attentively. And you know what?  There won’t be a bloodbath, not in the name of his revenge, even once there is opportunity and proof enough for it.

Also, in this particular conversation? It’s Xiao Qi looking Awu in the eye and actively seeking this contact. She’s the nervous one here, the one whose behaviour is more out of line with their pre-episode 50 baseline.

Episode 62, second oath over Hu Guanglie’s grave. This time there is no talk about any pain or humiliation paid back hundredfold; Hu Yao asks Xiao Qi to get to the truth and restore the good name of Ningshuo army. He’s visibly moved and does just that. Hu Yao as the only survivor among Xiao Qi’s subordinates present at the Hunt of Doom  holds a very unique position; she’s the living breathing representative of her fallen brethren, a conduit of their will. Truth and good name? Done. This moment may be, in fact, the reason why Xiao Qi doesn’t cut Zitan into pieces. It would exactly be all that conductive to restoring that good name. Zitan in exile after having publicly admitted his guilt is one thing, but Zitan brutally murderized in his own throne hall could potentially become a martyr. Sure, our Master of Mope is a regicide himself, but any canny politician would disregard that in order to hoist his bloody corpse as an undeniable proof that Xiao Qi needs to die as an uncontrollable beast. Add to that half a dozen wild tales of fiery jealousy over Awu, Xiao Qi’s rampant ambition, Zitan’s tragic martyrdom in name of the truth, whatever that truth might be... and lo and behold, Ningshuo guys are back to being public enemy number one. Well, not to the common people, they’re not, but to all those aristos who already break into hives at the very thought of filthy commoners deciding the fate of the Empire? Yeah.

Soon after that second oath Xiao Qi goes after Zitan... in a suspiciously bloodless, if psychologically earth-shattering way. Still leaving him an out and appealing to his conscience in a way. Which... is the worst possible approach to take with Zitan who has no conscience. That he lays into Zitan’s ministers with unprecedented ferocity is not exactly surprising. It’s not like they didn’t deserve it; even before everything there was a visible divide and even enmity between ‘them’ and ‘us’, it’s just that nobody dared to voice it in the throne room. The only thing that changed is that ‘they’ turned out to be even more useless than usual, allowing chaos and rebellion to run rampant; Xiao Qi has every right to be pissed and it’s not like he never baited the ministers with their own uselessness before. Although now that I think about it... Those two spears to the back might have done his verbal filter in.

The only thing Xiao Qi would have never done in the good old days when Hu Guanglie was still around (in corporeal form, ghosts don’t count)? He would have never threatened an Emperor with a public uprising. With Ningshuo army, however... Well, it wasn’t outright rebellion, but... No, actually. Exploding an imperial envoy absolutely was an act of open rebellion. It’s just that Xiao Qi still cared about forms enough to bow and make sure to give His Imperial Majesty the middle finger only in limited, discreet company. And even that could be attributed to the fact that he had at least some respect for both Daddy Emperor and Potato. Not much. But enough. For Zitan he has absolutely none. Had either of the previous incumbents fucked up to this extent, it could have gone pretty much the same. There must have been lots of dead and starving women and children on the way from Ningshuo to the capital.

Episode 63, family outing. They’re both optimistic enough, exactly as befits new parents. And then Xiao Qi recalls their old dream of living in peace; he does this with certain wistfulness, but the dream itself is something that kept coming up this whole time, so it’s nothing out of ordinary. And then Awu tries to get him to take a break. She doesn’t ask him to abandon his revenge. She wants to put all the current issues off and just... go. He quite understandably dismisses this idea. It’s not that he’s dismissive towards her concerns. It’s that she doesn’t actually voice any valid concerns here! I have no idea what this is even supposed to be. It’s not a demand nor a sensible request. It’s nothing he would be inclined to take on his merits. Is it mean to be a very clumsy attempt at emotional manipulation? After if fails, it becomes rather obvious that it was a long stretch to begin with, one that she felt obliged to make anyway with little to no actual hope of succeeding. And I even get why, but...

Come out and say what you mean, Awu. You can’t have you revenge for this, this and that reason, not without making things worse, just stop. She’s wishy-washy. Put off. Put off his investigation, leaving behind a potential enemy who thinks nothing of murdering people and has a hard-on for Awu? That’s not only stupid, that’s actively suicidal. Put off his all the current issues? Like keeping Cheng in one piece and not letting it slide back into civil war? Zitan isn’t magically going to get better at ruling, you know. None of the reasons for the initial chaos have been removed, well, maybe except a few rebellious heads. This plead, half-serious as it is, is insane. He’d have to be insane to agree to that. And he knows that she knows that. “Sure, honey. Once I deal with my enemies, we’ll go”. Is he humoring her? Perhaps, but I don’t think so. He takes a moment to think before answering. “We will do things your way once things are safe for us to do so“. Because you know what? Dealing with his enemies solves pretty much every other outstanding problem in one swoop. No, it really does. Including public discontent and world hunger. I’m not joking about the latter, by the way, remember that final voiceover?

I am sounding snappish, I think. It’s not that I’m judging Awu, even if it might seem so. I get where she’s coming from and I don’t dismiss her very real fears... but this is not the way to express those. She can do better. She has done better in the past. She’s traumatized as fuck, conflicted about her own role, afraid for their dream, fine. But it’s hard to blame Xiao Wi for reacting like a reasonable human being either, especially when her behaviour should be giving him pretty serious whiplash. One moment she stands with him and supports him in action, the next she offers him reassurance and voices her pretty reasonable condition... and the next she tries to half-heartedly propose something as totally bonkers as taking a break, leaving the realm in utter chaos. He’s not so stupid as not to know that something is up. So acting suspicious? It’s not actually unreasonable. And unlike most MLs would do, he doesn’t accuse her of supporting his enemies, not ever. He’s just concerned, if in a rather brusque way.

In fact, I’d say he’s surprisingly calm when Awu implies he’s raising their kid in a culture of hate in episode 64. He simply reminds the that Xiaohe has witnessed the massacre himself, so his reaction is genuine. And, as I personally think, not a half-bad way of dealing with trauma, very constructive. It’s not like the kid wants to go and shank Zitan himself; he’s talking about becoming a great general and then perhaps taking revenge. And, quite noticeably, Xiao Qi doesn’t say a word to this announcement. And yet the most he allows himself in response to Awu’s not very nice implication is a very matter-of-fact explanation with perhaps the slightest hint of defensiveness and no personal attacks. Now, this turning away from her is... concerning to say the least, so I understand your feelings on the subject, dear Nonnie #2. But.... is it all that bad? Let’s see.

He does turn away and responds only when she calls his name twice. And even then there is something nearly... insulting about his demeanour. He’s tired, that’s for sure. And perhaps dismissive. But notice that this deadpan tone lasts only as long as Awu keeps dancing around the subject, throwing up wild theories, even as they both pretty much know what the truth is. And even then he’s paying full close attention to her unusual behaviour, certainly enough to suss out something must have happened... and immediately offer his support. Which works! Or would have worked if not for bloody Auntie Xu. Or not bloody, at least not yet (please, Daddy Wang, hurry up!).

So let’s recap:

Awu implies that Xiao Qi is raising Xiao Qi in a culture of hate - to which he responds with facts and nothing but.

She uses this to gain momentum for another attempt at clumsy emotional manipulation (which she’s much better at usually) - he turns away very rudely as he finds this beneath both of their dignities and he’s not exactly wrong, is he?

She throws up a truly absurd candidature of Prime Minister Wen as the actual culprit, very blatantly playing up her wifely concern and fear - he dismisses it immediately, not even pretending he hadn’t seen through her ploy.

Then she tries to use her own brother to make him admit that there are limits to his revenge - and he gives her a warning glance.

After which he reiterates his stance and disengages. Which, fair. His previously supportive wife is playing stupid games and lying to him. He knows she’s smarter than that. If she had a theory about PM Wen or Turnip, that would be one thing. But she’s jumping. This is going somewhere. And it’s not exactly hard to guess where. Also, trying to hit the family button, even so subtly? After all they went through and after she already used it once during Screechergate, if in a much more brutal manner? And after she assured him that he was the most important person to her before they even left Ningshuo? Yeah, that’s not good.

And even then he doesn’t get offended enough for it to overcome his concern. Oh, he might have acted disinterested, but he’s been paying attention alright. And he starts the conversation again, asking her outright what is wrong. Because something obviously is. And she lies. Again. He calls her out on it very succinctly and without assigning any blame. “That’s not true”, he says and asks again what has happened. “Your heart is uneasy. Tell me. You don’t have to carry this burden alone”.

That’s more than reasonable. He gives her more that one chance of coming clean and puts her well-being above any possible offence or hurt of his own. “You don’t have to carry this burden alone”, dammit. That’s not exactly dismissive. All the same I do understand why this conversation might trip people up. It’s all about the tone. They’re not tender with each other - well, Awu tries for gentle concern, but she’s lying, even if that concern is real enough. He’s brusque enough for two. But you know what I think? I think this was the worst possible place to have this conversation. Bad, bad choice on Awu’s part. To one side they have a wall of maids including Auntie Xu the Blabber, even as the issue they’re discussing is of national importance and spies don’t sleep. To the other there are two kids. Little pitchers have big ears, you know. And besides, they’re talking about the true source of the kids’ trauma, something that Xiaohe is only starting to process. This is so awkward and so perfect at the same time! You see, there is something very telling about their voices. They’re quiet. So quiet that Auntie Xu, trying for a surreptitious whisper, speaks at pretty much the same volume.

Yeah, okay, Xiao Qi could have played it differently. They both could have. But his reactions are not really anything out of the norm, even if somewhat more human than usual. He’s so bloody tired and even their home - as you’ve pointed out so astutely, Nonnie #3 - is no sanctuary anymore.

After that they presumably go about their business and don’t really resolve anything until the evening. See, Awu really wants to say something when she sees Xiao Qi enter her rooms. An apology, perhaps? Perhaps not. He doesn’t let her either way, only offers to go with her. Okay. So they had that tense conversation and thanks to Auntie Xu the only chance of Awu coming clean went bust. He still comes to offer his support the moment he hears she’s in distress. That’s how very much he’s not holding a grudge. And he reaches for her first!

Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter more than your pain. It never will.

Ah, Mother’s Funeral 2.0 combined with Unpleasant Truth About A Wang Male 2.0, the latter offered after an even weaker token protest than last time. No change of behaviour there! And again, he lets her go and deal with her family on her own terms.

Then we get plotting scene, which was sadly hacked to pieces and we don’t even get to see Awu reveal the truth about Zitan. But from there on they act as one. No more of this emotional blackmail bullshit, no more dismissal, there’s a crisis and they’re a unit. And guess what, revenge just got shelved!

Or no, not shelved. Exchanged for truth and justice. Because even if Xiao Qi’s coup is fake as hell, he still reveals Zitan for the monster that he is. What I don’t understand is why does nobody really care about Zitan murdering Potato, but okay. Either Potato lives don’t matter or they need time to actually make a viable plan how to deal with this rotten kinder surprise. Or, and that’s probably accurate in any case, they need time to come out of shock. I feel you, guys, I would be pretty shocked too. The Yuzhang Acting Company can have this effect on unprepared viewers.

As for the Yuzhang Acting Company and Xiao Qi’s acting abilities... you pretty much know already what I think. And if you don’t, you can read about it here and here. Mark my words, Awu is the tougher cookie of the pair, while Xiao Qi is practically falling to pieces at particularly difficult moments. Then he comes back, actively seeks her support upon being confronted with the source of the greater part of his anguish (the throne, not Zitan) and they go live happily even after in Ningshuo with a whole horde of kids. The end.

Well, that exercise, as amusing as it might have been, proved only one thing. Either I’m blind or I had fallen victim to the Mandela Effect, because I swear Awu was the more clingy one of the two the last time I looked. And it is really not so. As to whether he changed... They both did? Hopefully it’s nothing that a few months of living in Ningshuo won’t cure; you will tear my headcanonny teasy-cheesy old married couple from my cold, dead hands! Even so, it’s not as drastic as all that; they are both fundamentally themselves, only stripped down to bare elements and at the same time burdened with unbearable trauma. Okay, that’s it, we’re done, bye.

Or not bye. Because what about that revenge? Well... I’m pretty sure that Hu Guanglie’s ghost will be pretty satisfied with truth, justice and a golden opportunity to torment Zitan to death in the ruins of the Imperial Mausoleum? Oh, and he also got a nation-wide mourning ceremony. Yeah, he’s happy enough.

Russia X Secretary: Fear of First time (1/2) (NSFW)

TW: Sexual Themes, and mentions of violence. (handsypandsy is my NSFW tag!)

A/N: This is going to be a short story made into two parts. Both of which are going to be kind of long. (Also if anyone can do a word count on this that would be nice, because I currently have no way of doing that...)

This was a conversation they have had but once. Russia and the secretary for the world meetings had already been together for more than a handful of months. The secretary had expressed previously that she was fully intending to wait for marriage to give away her virginity. Both for religious reasons, and due to some past events that made her subconscious about her body, making her insecure. Russia, dissapointed in her reaction toward his advances, had informed her marriage between a country and human was forbidden. None the less he respected her decision, and stayed by her side regardless.

This had put a small wedge in their relationship. He was frustrated over not being able to physically show her his affection, and grew angry over having another reason that made being a country painfully annoying. The secretary on the other hand was having a bit of a crisis. On one hand she wanted to keep her virginity, but on the other hand, she felt her own Sexual frustration rise. It took only a week for her mind to change on the subject.

They were watching a movie on her couch, but the tension between them made the air heavy, and focusing on the movie impossible. They had tried cuddling, but with every touch and shift Russia grew akward, and impatient. He wanted nothing more but to feel her, and show his ever growing desires. Never in his life had this kind of feeling bloomed before, let alone the fact he accepted someone's rejection of his actions. If they did he'd usually force them to do what he wants anyway. So natural he was going to bring the subject up again, eventually. But lucky for him the Secretary beat him to the question.

"Hey Russia... Can we talk about something?"

"Da? Is something the matter?"

The deep breath she took made him temporarily forget the sensations that had been flaring up and agitating him, and focus on her concern.

"I know that we can't get married... And it has me thinking it doesn't matter if I stay a virgin over it, and I think I need to explain another reason why I said no..."

At this point Russia had already turned towards her, pushing some of her short black hair out from her face as she continued.

"It's not just the religious thing. It's not even how I was treated when I was younger. I'm just scared. I didn't want to do it if we weren't married because I was worried you'd just take what you wanted and just... Leave me."

Russia had to take a second to realize what she had said. His heart partially shattered over the fact she would assume something like that.

"Sunflower, If I wanted to take from you, I could have easily done so already. I understand I am not always pure and sweet, but I do not take from you. You usually give me what I want anyway."

He tried smiling for her, but nothing was able to hide the tone in his voice showcasing his inner pain. The secretary had picked up on it, her body shrinking back, and her throat swelling up from her emotions.

"No, I didn't mean it like that it's just- I don't want to lose you. I didn't want to do it with you, and disappoint you. What if I'm not good enough, what if I'm too disgusting and you decide to leave me anyway..."

He had enough of her attitude towards the subject and got up from the couch, rubbing his face from the pent up emotions. This made the secretary choke on her sadness, and she did all she did to keep her tears from falling.

Turning around to face her, Russia could feel his heart shatter further seeing the glisten in her eyes. He understood, or took her feelings in consideration at the very least, but his inability to communicate his feelings properly left him with only one option. Giving her a slight scare, he had sweeper her up off the cushions bridal style.

"What are you doing?"

"We are going to be making the love. I will not allow you to be feeling like this, So I am proving your feelings wrong."

She felt a layer of blush immediately dust her cheeks, and buried her face into his shoulder. Giving a small whimper of protest, but ultimately giving in. Her heart racing.

"F-fine. But-"

"Nyet! No more denying my advances. No more rejecting me, da?"

"But why would you even bother?"

He had to kick the door open that lead to the downstairs guest room, and tossed her lightly on the bed. Immediately hovering over her.

"You are not this dense, but you currently are acting like you are. I do not understand, or care, why you think I'd care about your insecurities."

He had slightly cringed at the last statement, fully realizing how that translation came across after saying it. But this seemed to get the point across as the secretary had looked away, a small smirk on her face.

"You can't just say something like that you know."

"And you can't keep testing my patience by teasing me."

She tilted her head, not fully understanding what he meant. Prompting him to explain.

"You are very cute. I would be lying if I did not admit too... Erhm- Thinking about this?"

The secretary chuckled at him.

"Do you mean... You have fantasies of me?"

Russia nods almost shyly, lifting his scarf over his nose, looking away in hopes she didn't notice his flustered cheeks. Though his actions made it painfully obvious.

"D-da. The daydreaming started out all cute. But as of lately..."

She had to caress his cheek, forcing him to look back at him as she spoke up.

"I'm sorry... I really didn't know I hurt you when I said no the first time."

"I was not hurt! I did not like being told no because... Well... I can't... Marry you..."

This came to a major surprise to the secretary.

"Wait- You want to marry me? I thought you'd be against that because of Belarus? For a while I was concerned I was being too clingy..."

Russia gave her a small grunt.

"But you are not her! I don't mind the thought of marriage, but with my little sister who has little concern over my feelings... Are you laughing at me?"

She had to cover her mouth, but the small giggles still slipped through.

"Sorry! It's just, Kind of ironic hearing that from you..."

She gently booped his nose as soon as he scrunched his face up in annoyance. Russia fully knowing he can't disagree with her statement. The atmosphere finally turning lighthearted like it use to be.

This didn't distract Russia from being his mischievous self though. Gently he laid his weight on top of the secretary, kissing her, then pulling away as soon as their lips touched. He wasn't expecting the soft look in her eyes, lips still parted from the kiss. He didn't even miss the motion of her swallowing the excess saliva.

Giving a quirked eyebrow he decided to push a little further.

"Does this mean, you have decided to change your mind? I can make the love to you?"

The laugh that she gave him over his slight broken english seemed to rile him up more, especially with the rapid nods she gave him.

Feeling his breath hitch in his throat he dove in for a more passionate kiss. Memories of their first kiss and how sloppy it was flooded his mind, causing him to smile against her.

Soon enough the secretary found her hands in his hair, but had given grunts of disapproval as Russia pinned her hands above her. His tongue tracing her lips, wiggling its way into her mouth. The friction of bumpy tongue against her smoother muscle gained a soft moan from both parties.

Russia pulled back, shifting his weight back to hovering, and asked another question.

"So you really are still a virgin, da? I'm sorry if I get to rough with you. Even more so I am sorry if I go against your will to stop at any point. But the thought of having you squirm against me makes me want to... You know."

She blushed, giving a quick nod. She figured he wasn't going to be able to stop once they started. But the thought of him being rough excited her. She was always being told how cute, and small she was at work. How fragile a human was in a room of strong countries and it irked her. She had to get it off her chest.

"I can take it you know. I'm not a little kid, just because I'm a little childish-"

"I would hope not!"

"Let me finish! It drives me insane that everyone else gets to act like I'm a child! I hate it, it makes me feel guilty. Especially because I don't even feel like a woman half the time. I'm over weight, overwhelming, and according to my family I'm way to clingy... So I wouldn't be upset if you didn't want to do this..."

Russia was about five seconds away from taking her without permission. He didn't want to hurt her, or be forceful like that, but the more reasons she gave for "leaving", and the more excuses She gave that stalled the moment was quite Frankly, driving him insane. He was losing the remainder of his patience.

"You are very cute, and pretty. You're working on losing weight, so let me help. This is like excersize right? I do not think you're childish, you're just fun, and goofy! It is very nice to have someone fool around with me..."

Leaning in closer to the side of her head, he makes sure to whisper and breath directly in her ear. A small little trick he discovered that he knows drives her crazy.

"I think you are very womanly. You might have a chubby belly, but you still have curves. And you're... Breasts... are just the right size for me. You being so affectionate and honest makes it very easy to be with you. You don't do what some woman do and pretend to be fine. I don't just like it about you, I need it from you. If you were not like you, I'd be confused. We already discovered once what happens when you lie to me. I am unsure if choking is a thing you like, but I am very sure the last time my hands were around your neck, it was not a pleasant experience..."

The secretary couldn't hold back her remark.

"No. It did not give me the pleasure smile..."

Russia gave a short chortle, kissing her cheek and pressing their forheads together.

"Then do you want me as well? Can I... I can't be honest about my feelings verbally, not like you. So can I please, one of these times show you how you make me feel? Preferably now?"

Deciding to tease him, she pretended to think about it, laughing at his drawn out groan as he buried his head in the crook on her neck. Surprised by the kisses to her flesh, and the small line up of pleases he begged with. Any anwser was a good one for him.

"Da. We can... Have sex then. But just promise me you'll be by my side by morning..."

She felt him nod against her neck, his kisses turning into soft nibbles, and sucking. He didn't want to waste anymore time, but knew from all the movies he watched with her that the first time was important. And just because he was virgin as well, did not mean he didn't know what to do, or how it might hurt.

He started to chuckle into her chest, already leaving small red marks along her throat. His hands had wormed their way under her shirt. His cold fingertips mixed with the feathery touches made her squirm and shudder.

Her heart leaped into her throat as he reached around her torso, and successfully unclasped her bra. She was in shock at how gentle he was being. She was fighting between enjoying the moment, and flipping him over and try to move things along faster.

"You don't have to be so gently. I said I could take it..."

"Da, I know. But I refuse to hurt you."

"Hurt me? I trust you lovebug~ your my big old Russian teddy bear! You couldn't hurt me even if you tried-"

"Not what I was meaning."

Her face turned beat red as it dawned on her what he meant. Now she was morbidly courious if he was really that big, and her eyes unintentionally drifted to his crotch.

He gave her an unseen smirk, and sat himself on her hips. He carelessly pulled off his shirt, somehow leaving his scarf intact, earning an annoyed face from the secretary. Taking the obvious hint he slowly removed his scarf. The scaring on his neck made her eyes widen, and her heart weight heavy in her chest.

"Wh- Russia..."

He shook his head, not wanting to talk about it. All he could say was:

"You are not the only one uncomfortable with their body..."

He leaned back down, his taller body making it possible to stay seated over her hips, giving him easier access to her lips and face. Hands snagging the hem of her shirt, and doing away with the fabric. Her bra falling away with it as well.

She covered her chest, already red and wet from his earlier barrage of licking and kisses. Yet again he pinned her arms over her head.

"If you continue to hide from me Sunflower, I will tie you up..."

She looked away after his claims, but nodded in understanding anyway.

He gave her more kisses, this time they were soft, and ticklish. He made sure to run his lips over each spot she gave the most giggles too, indulging in her sounds. Soon enough he had the ability to tongue at her nipples, hearing her giggles go to restrained moans. For Russia, any further restraint from her was delt with punishment. He started testing her further as such.

He went from licking, to sucking. And when that bared no vocal fruit from her he bit down on them. Her attempts at arching her back Was held in place by his body. But he got what he wanted. She had given him a rather loud moan, even if it sounded pained she did nothing to protest against his actions.

Giving a courious peak he saw the contorted and scrunched up face she was giving. Her teeth digging into her lips. Another bite, and another painful groan. These pleasant sounds were rewarded with kisses, and sucks to her perked up breasts. Russia was seemingly successful in training her to stop resisting, causing her to finally relax and let go.

-End of Part one-

Bring Them Home  Ch 15 Smash

This fic is slow going with everything but going. Kept this baby as a draft until I wrote the next chapter :D

Alex, Michael, and Isobel bond and talk! Enjoy 💛

Read on AO3

Prev - Next

They get their 3 hours and a little bit more until Michael finally becomes the voice of reason.

"As much as I want to spend the rest of the day with you, I need to check in with Sanders and do my actual day job. Plus Izzy is nothing but greedy for all the attention on her."

Alex just gives him a look before dragging Michael back onto the bed and rolling to be on top.

"This is a once in a blue moon lazy day for me Michael. You give me another hour and then I'll be satisfied."

Their first hour was the nap after their call, Michael carrying a dozing Alex to his bed so they'd be more comfortable. The second was Michael thoroughly massaging Alex's full body after Alex does his at home PT routine. The third was them switching between kissing and talking.

Michael wouldn't mind the third hour becoming 2 straight hours of more talking and kissing. He also doesn't think he can move because Alex is pretty much the ideal weight for holding him down.

Then the small touches start. One hand moving to his neck as a thumb swipes up and down his throat slowly before it moves to sink into his curls. Fingers gently digging into his scalp as lips press randomly across his torso and above. Michael is in actual heaven as he loses time to Alex's devoting touches until his left hand cramps and he lets out a hiss from the pain.

Lifting up Alex gives him space to do whatever he needs, his face pinched in worry and flickers of guilt at seeing Michael cradle his hand.

"Do you need a heat compress or acetone for the pain?" Alex quietly asks but Michael shakes his head.

"It'll pass. Give it a minute."

Hesitantly Alex reaches for it and let's the tips of his fingertips rest ever so lightly on the ridges of the scarred skin that Michael barely feels as Alex traces it. Michael lifts his hand up to feel the pressure and warmth of Alex’s hand but Alex snatches it away.

“Doesn’t it-” Alex's voice was quiet and a bit hoarse. “I don’t want you to hurt. I was trying to-” He stops himself again with his words stuck as old guilt starts to consume him.

Sighing Michael sits up but keeps his hands to himself.

“You think we’re ready to talk about this?” He waves his left hand between them.

He gives Alex a good minute to breathe through what he’s feeling right now before slowly inching his right hand to the thigh resting next to his.

“I am but that’s cause I made peace with it a long time ago. If you’re not then we can put it on hold for another time but you didn’t do this to me, you’re not a monster or violent like him. I’m not gonna lie, it reminds me that there’s bad in the world, that it’s cruel and doesn’t care but,” His hand has traveled up and cups Alex’s cheek. “It also reminds me that there are kind people like you who somehow left me a medical kit even though I didn’t see you for a week because you were hurt too. That wanted me to get help and go to the hospital but found an alternative when I kept telling you no.”

Alex’s eyes fall closed as he leans into Michael’s hand.

“You’re lucky your antibodies are immune to human infection and diseases.” Is the only thing he can say.

“Pretty nice that my form of power boost is just 5 bucks a bottle too, though my personal brew is much better.” Michael raises his left and holds it in front of Alex. “You didn’t need to go and make us a matching set but of course you had to one-up me.”

All he gets is a soft noise from Alex who’s finally reached for his left hand, both of his cradling Michael’s like it’s precious as he brings it to his chest to lay right over his heart. The steady thump is a song he’s missed.

“You could’ve healed it but you didn’t want to. You wanted to remember the good and the bad.”

Michael snorts at that. “I mean Max only offered like once but it also would’ve become a thing if people found out. Even though I didn’t know how much your dad was actually watching us, I didn’t want to give him anymore reasons to start snooping around. Hey you think he knew before and that’s why he went psycho?"

He asks it like an actual question, one of pure curiosity because now with everything they know it might actually be true.

"Maybe but I knew regardless he'd do something to anyone I brought home. Sure it was like an open secret but I tamed it down around him, the eyeliner and punk was just the easiest way to be proud but on just the edge. It helped that he hated both."

Michael watches as Alex's face pinches again.

"Would you heal it now or like a partial one?"

Smiling Michael just rubs his thumb against Alex's chest.

"Don't know. Depends really."

He pulls Alex back down and holds him close, soaking up as much comfort and the feeling of safety, love, and peace.

Of course not 10 minutes later there's a honk and a mental nudge from Isobel.

"Nooooo." He groans and buries his face in Alex's hair.

Alex agrees and presses closer as their phones start ringing.

"How is she calling both of us!"

There's a knock at the door then the sound of intentionally loud footsteps that stop at the window of their room.

"I promised lunch."

"We could be having really kinky sex right now Iz."

"Oh that reminds me I need to find a new playmate. Alex we're going to a gay bar. I want to see if me going all obsessed over Rosa was a me thing or his and I need a wingman who gets me."

Michael makes a face and holds onto Alex tighter. He doesn’t want Alex going to any bar without him.

"In my professional opinion it might be too soon and you're technically still married but screw it let’s go have fun." Alex pauses and reconsiders his words. “Actually if anything Kyle might be more game then me. I may be out and proud but I kinda dislike people… and crowds now.”  

He gives Michael a deep but short kiss and starts to wiggle free. Michael makes a valiant attempt to keep him in bed which is funny because earlier he was trying to head out for work and be responsible. He flips them over and tries to distract Alex with more kisses and he can feel Alex starting to give in when Isobel knocks on the window.

"We still game to blow up stuff or was that just the land around the cabin? Also will someone please let me in!"

They both groan and finally scramble out of bed to put pants on. Michael turns to face where the front door is and glares at it until it opens.

“It’s open.”

“Lovely. I’ll bring my stuff in.”

Michael slips down to slide on the sleeve then prosthetic for Alex before waddling closer to wrap his arms around Alex’s waist so he can bury his face in a very warm stomach.

“No bar without me. Someone’ll snatch you up.”

The vibrations and sound of Alex’s quiet laugh is nice.

“I was being honest about not really liking bars Michael and I'm only a tiny bit better about people. Have no fear everyone will be flocking to your sister.”

Silently Michael stands before climbing into Alex’s lap and latches onto him like a koala.

“Jesus I forgot how clingy you are.” Alex teases as his hands settle on Michaels sides. “Not that I mind.” He adds.

Leaning back to face each other, Michael gives him a dramatic pout. “You’re hot stuff and people will absolutely flock to you. I can’t stop people from looking but I can at least stop them from touching.” He eyes Alex’s neck hungrily and starts to lean down but a hand in his hair stops him.

“Ah and the marking thing. You sure you’re not a vampire?”

“It won’t be like-”

The unamused look Alex is sporting just makes Michael grin smugly. “You made it go around my whole neck. You gave me an actual hickey necklace Michael and it lasted for a whole week. No hickey necklace.”

“What about like two where everyone can see?” Michael questions and his eyes stare at the perfect spot. “I’ll keep them small.”

They roll over with Alex keeping him pinned down.

“You and I have a very different idea of what small is. No hickeys or marks until we go on another date.” He kisses Michael’s cheek before rolling off and leaving to go see what Isobel’s up to.

Michael mopes and gets dressed slowly. If the hoodie he has on is unusual for him well it’s Alex’s fault for leaving it in the room. In the closet and folded up top but Michael found it so finders-keepers.

“Michael you're staying 20 minutes so you can praise me while I break stuff with my mind." Isobel eyes the sweater and frowns. "Are you having a mental breakdown? That's the only time we wear hoodies." She comments and takes a step closer, ready to bring Michael into a hug for comfort which kinda confuses him.

"Um no. I'm good Iz. Just claiming one of my rights to wear something of Alex's." Michael pauses before taking his own step forward in concern. "Are you good? I know I haven't fully been there for you with everything but if you-"

Isobel rolls her eyes at him.

"I'm a big girl. It's been…. A lot but Alex and the others have helped in their own way. I do know breaking all this stuff will feel good so come on teach me how you do it." She says as she pats his shoulder then heads to Alex's backyard, Michael quickly following her.

"You're sure?" He asks. "I know we all have a tendency to avoid actually talking about our shit so if there's anything you want to then I'm here."

The tight line of Isobel's lips hold for a few seconds before dropping as she sighs.

"I'm still mad and hurt. Also sad because I- this whole mess started with him and I was just a tool he used. I was finally starting to feel like I could be myself but even that's a lie. First it was thinking I was the one who killed everyone and that sucked but finding out the actual truth was worse." Her voice wobbles a bit before she takes a deep breath to steady it. "I know I'm not okay and we're all dealing with our own shit but for once I don't feel totally alone. I'm gonna try and be a better sister to you because you've always been there for me Michael, you carried what happened that night with you for a decade so I wouldn't have too. I've let myself follow whatever Max decided because we got to grow up together and I thought he was right, that he was protecting us and the normal life we had."

She swallows and her eyes dart away.

"And he was but that meant you were left out because you never got our type of normal. So I'm gonna work on being there for you too and making sure you're included. Now let's go break stuff."

Michael grabs onto her hand and squeezes it. Isobel squeezes back and both their eyes are a bit misty but the smiles they wear are bright.

They see Alex a couple yards out, placing items from the box Isobel brought around his open backyard.

“Whatever you break you also clean up so I would suggest a tarp or something.”

Michael swaggers over and latches onto his side, nuzzling into his neck.

"Of course gotta keep the place clean. I'll go grab one." He leans to take a sip from Alex's milkshakes but it's moved away.

"You hate mint."

Michael blinks at him and can't help how big his smile turns.

"I don't mind it when it's from you." His eyes land on Alex's lips in an obvious request.

Michael's curls slap him in the face.

"Ow Iz why!"

"What? I'm just practicing my power." Her sickly sweet voice and eyelashes fluttering says anything but.

Michael rolls his eyes and pecks Alex's check. "You get thirty minutes and then I have to head to Sanders."

A hand slides into the back pocket of his jeans and he's pulled closer to Alex's side.

"Whatever you don't break or wanna leave to burn will be our bonding time."

Isobel's eyes light up at the offer.

"You really weren't lying about getting to explode shit! Like actual explosives?" She grabs onto Alex slowly and starts tugging him back to the house so he can show her.

Michael doesn't let go and they all walk back inside relatively easy for the three of them latched onto each other.

"More like I have the basic materials needed to make bombs which you would be surprised on how easy they are to make." Alex comments as Michael gives an understanding nod.

"Though I do have some minor explosives that are probably closer to fireworks which are easier to clean up after and that can easily be stated as such."

Alex slips out of their arms and goes to the small closet hidden behind the bathroom, the three of them bring all the goods to the living room.

"Does this mean I can use you as an excuse to come here instead of my mother's Fourth of July barbeque? I'm always stuck talking about nothing and everyone keeps expecting me to be pregnant. Do I look like mother material to you?"

She's settled in Michael's lap as they hold each other comfortably. Michael rests his head on her shoulder as he chuckles.

"Hmmm you're more Aunt material. You'd spoil my future kids rotten but also make sure they know how to talk circles around people the second they learn how."

"Their first words will be aunt Izzy or some variation of that. I'm not picky."

Her tone is casual but her eyes don't leave Alex who's gone quiet.

"I'm not saying a hard no to possibly being a surrogate but in a few years ask me again. I'll be back, just need to use the bathroom." She glides off of Michael's lap and out the door.

Michael doesn't pay her any mind and flops back to lay back on the bed.

The thought of having kids have been an off and on thing for him. Sometimes he doesn't because he's not even human and not the stablest person, being in the system didn't do him any favors. There's so much entailed with it that if he ever did he's worried the poor kid will turn out worse than him, that Michael won't have or be able to provide what they'll need. Then there are days he'd love to be that parent for someone who needs it, to be who he needed as a kid. Save at least one kid from a bad situation. Have the type of family he's sometimes let himself dream and barely hope for.

Sometimes it's just him raising a kid alone but other times Alex is there too, both of them sharing the love they have with someone else who might need it. Alex would never be like his father and would give their kid everything they needed no matter what but also make sure they have boundaries and morals and good life lessons.

"Would you want kids Alex?"

Michael voices once he's brought back to the present.

Just because he wants kids doesn't mean he needs them. He knows better than anyone that you gotta be committed and ready for that type of responsibility.

There's always the future but for right now he just wants to get his mom and people free, to deal with Noah, and to be with Alex.

"In another life… yes but I'm not sure about this one." Alex gets this nervous look on his face before sighing. "I'd have to think about it."

That's pretty much on par what Michael knew he'd say.

"Do you- I mean obviously you do but I'm not-"

Michael uses his powers to tug Alex to him. He takes Alex's hands and gives a light squeeze.

"I do but not now or for a while. I want to get my mom out and deal with the insanity of our lives first then enjoy being with you. I would like them in the far far future but I don't need them. I'm not letting some punk take all your attention until I've gotten my fill."

Alex clings to him and nods.

"Okay."

"As of now I love you and my meddling sister. You can come back in Isobel."

She walks in stubbornly with her head held high.

"I didn't mean to bring up future kids. You did that all on your own Michael and I'm sure you'll both be amazing uncles when Max and Liz figure their shit out. Max will finally have a reason to quit the force and stay at home to write like he's always wanted while Liz works on saving the world and all that jazz."

She grabs all the explosives quickly and carefully to do something with her hands.

“I mean who wouldn’t want an adorable hybrid of me though right, the world would all but perish under our reign. I’m sure i’d be a good mom though… with time and everyone else’s kids as a trial but like you guys said, now is a horrible time.” Her voice lowers to something almost hushed. “I’m sure plenty of kids need a home once i’m ready so all we need to do now is learn and be as prepared as possible.”

Michael smiles fondly at her as he stands and wraps an arm around her waist, pressing his forehead to the side of her neck.

“There’d be nothing stopping you once you decide your ready Isobel.”

Alex leans into her other side and they all just take a moment to breathe together.

“When we’re ready.” Alex voices with hope and it brings a smile to all their faces. “Does that mean we’re ready to go blow stuff up now?”

That gets a laugh.

“Come on all this emotional talk is ruining the mood. I’m ready to see how much control I need to learn to beat Michael!”

The three proceed to smash, break, and explode the contents of Isobel's boxes while enjoying their lunch.

Isobel is a bit shocked and proud of how much control Michael has on his power. A bit jealous too but she’s only just started. She finds it sickeningly sweet how awed Alex looks when he looks at Michael but the kind one he gives her makes up for it.

“How did I not see it?” She asks them. Her tone is light with wonder. That she never saw how much love just poured from them. It’s been a decade and she’s only finding out now.

Both Alex and Michael sigh but there’s less of a haunted look in their eyes.

“Shit timing and even worse communication.” Michael voices and then he’s at Alex’s side. “It’s hard to have something when everything’s going against you.”

Alex nods with his face set in a hard look before it clears.

“We kept it to ourselves cause it was safer but now there’s less bullshit to fight against.”

Isobel hurts from even the idea of what they’ve been through, the flashes she’s gotten from Alex flickering before she lets it all go.

“Well you’ve got someone else on your side.” she stands tall again, stronger and more solid with this certain topic worked through. "I'd happily melt anyone who's brain keeps giving you guys trouble. I'm sure I can make it look like an aneurysm."

She’s trying to be reassuring but the pained and overwhelmed look on Michael's face makes her feel unsure, like she's miss stepped somewhere.

It's only when Michael launches at her and holds her in a crushing hug, that his mind is so loud it's screaming at her by being in contact, that she understands.

Michael's always been so strong and never truly had anyone who he felt he could rely on, to truly rely on. Alex probably now with everything known but not really anyone else and that hurts Isobel all over again.

They should've been united from the start. They should've been together, able to rely and trust each other without doubt.

She holds on tight to him and lets out a sigh when Michael’s mind quiets, Alex’s presence closer being the obvious reason why.

Isobel is going to have a talk with Max about Alex and about Michael. Alex is right that they need to all work together to figure this mess out.

It’s like this.

Crowley’s been in love since Eden. Utterly smitten. He took one long look at Aziraphale as he justified giving Adam and Eve his sword and he was done for, and he’s been done for ever since.

Aziraphale has known, on some level, since Rome. I haven’t written the fic I want to write about this yet but it comes down to this: before Rome it was always Crowley who sought out Aziraphale, and it usually happens that way after, but Aziraphale just happened to bump into him when he was looking very glum and had just changed his hairstyle and started covering his eyes? Just accidentally? Nope, don’t buy it, more happened there.

So Crowley’s loved Aziraphale since Eden, and Aziraphale’s known it since Rome, and I think he’s always been aware, distantly, that he could love Crowley back if he let himself.

But he doesn’t. He lets Crowley do little favors for him and he gets himself into trouble so Crowley will rescue him and he’ll have an excuse— to look at him so fondly, to spend time with him. And he’s so painfully aware that Crowley keeps coming back because he love him.

Because the other side of Crowley knowing, because he fell, because God cast him out and stopped loving him? The other side of Crowley knowing that even God’s love is conditional is that Aziraphale knows that, too. And what in the world, in the universe, has he done to earn the sort of devotion Crowley has towards him?

Aziraphale is a mediocre angel. He’s never been able to muster up the sort of easy, solid Belief angels like Gabriel and Michael and Uriel and Sandalphon have, that unquestioning acceptance. He wonders in Eden if he did the right thing, laughs in relief with Crowley at the prospect he didn’t before the ramifications catch up with him. He’s selfish and stubborn and he enjoys the world far more than other angels seem to think is Good for him. And Crowley, fallen Crowley, who Aziraphale has to know cannot possibly have the same sort of relationship with the idea of “unconditional love” as Heaven does, loves him. The idea terrifies him (not because it’s a reminder that he’ll never be as Good as he’s supposed to, I think everything and everyone Aziraphale encounters reminds him of that and he’s used to it) because there’s nothing he could ever give Crowley back that could even begin to repay him for it.

And Aziraphale thinks if he doesn’t he’s going to lose him, and he clings, oh man, we make Crowley pretty clingy in fanon but it’s Aziraphale who brings up how Hell will punish him, Aziraphale who thinks Hell will destroy Crowley if they find out about their association, Aziraphale who brings up suicide when Crowley asks him for holy water. I’ve been threatening a meta on how Aziraphale jumping to the conclusion that Crowley wants to kill himself is purely guilt on his part and a faulty assumption to boot for weeks and this is that meta, I guess. Crowley doesn’t ask for holy water because he’s suicidal. Crowley asks for holy water because he’s cautious, and he’s clever, and he plans ahead, and Aziraphale just assuming he wants to kill himself smacks to me of the fear of abandonment. “It would destroy you/hell would destroy you” he says, but what he means is don’t leave me here, don’t make me do this alone. It’s why he looks so hurt about Alpha Centauri, because he finally knows that Crowley never would and it’s too late now. Because Crowley loves Aziraphale and Aziraphale loves Crowley but he’s never claimed it, never let himself, and he knows he has no right to Crowley’s affection and regard if he won’t even admit to him that it’s important and that he feels the same.

And so we come to 1941, where Crowley saves Aziraphale’s books, anticipates that he’d be upset about them and saves them at the same time he saves both their lives, and I think something just. Clicks. Aziraphale expression there has never struck me as anything as simple as realizing he’s in love. He looks devastated, somehow, not upset devastated but dazed, overwhelmed, struck dumb, and the reason is that it’s finally hit him that Crowley loves him the same way he loves Crowley. Without expectation or consequence or desire for reward. Crowley saved Aziraphale’s books as a selfless act because he knows him and he likes making him happy, and I think in that moment Aziraphale realizes that’s all it really has ever been, that Crowley loves him and likes making him happy. That Crowley doesn’t think Aziraphale owes him anything. And I think that stuns him, because he’s been so very, very wrong about the most important person in his world, and I just. I’m hugely sappy about this. To draw on the “the show is fanfiction” analogy, it’s the show’s emotional equivalent of all those fics where Aziraphale realizes that he was wrong about “especially not to you” in the book. Where Aziraphale realizes Crowley is capable of the kind of love that you can feel like that, and that he’s always felt it. 

I dunno, I just. I cannot, I refuse to believe that Aziraphale didn’t know Crowley loved him. “You go too fast for me” are not the words of somebody who’s only realized in the last 26 years they’re in love. That only makes sense as a statement if it’s not about anything recent and is instead about Eden, and Mesopotamia, and Golgotha and Rome and Wessex and every time since then. Aziraphale and Crowley loved each other for a very, very long time, and I think it was partially a misjudgment of what that love meant to Crowley and partially his own insecurities about Heaven and his role as an angel that kept Aziraphale from acknowledging it to himself sooner. 

Can’t Sleep

Summary:

Despite the fact that Jihoon is by your side- your mind is running and you can’t sleep.

 -

“Dammit,” you mumbled. Jihoon’s fingers tightened around your waist, and he pulled your body tighter against him.

“No,” he protested, turning his head so that he could bury his nose into your neck, despite the fact that your words hadn’t really been for him. You squirmed just a little bit against him, trying to enforce what you knew he was already aware of.

“I can’t help it,” you murmured. “I have to.”

Jihoon whined- actually whined- but didn’t let go of you.

“You don’t,” he insisted.

“I’ll forget it!” You argued back. “I know I will. We both know I will.”

Jihoon’s lips pressed against your neck, in a small fleeting kiss. Then, he pressed another kiss to you, followed by another.

“But you’re so warm,” he stated between the kisses. You wiggled against him again until his grip on you was broken. You slid out from under the covers, shivering at the loss of his heat against your body. You wanted nothing more than to return to bed with him. After all, you spent all day most days just waiting for Jihoon to come back so that you could be near him.

You had never thought you would be so completely clingy in a relationship, yet you were always eager to just be close to Jihoon. Sitting as close to him as possible whenever you two were in the same room tended to be enough to soothe your ever-racing mind.

And yet, somedays, despite the fact that you hadn’t seen Jihoon in a week, and your sleep schedule couldn’t even be called that, your thoughts were practically never ending.

Most of the time, all it took to keep yourself at ease at times in which you would normally just want to sit down and write and write was Jihoon’s hand on yours. But you had been lying in bed with Jihoon for nearly an hour and just when you had been about to finally lose yourself to your own drowsiness and rest, you were struck with a single passing thought.

A passing thought, that had turned into an idea, which became a concept, and eventually evolved into a piece of a story that you just couldn’t ignore anymore. You had to write it down.

“Come back,” Jihoon called after you. You ignored him as you retrieved your laptop from the desk that you and Jihoon at times shared, making sure that you were careful to navigate around Jihoon’s things as well. You pulled the laptop open and sat down on the floor of the bed, your back against the wooden frame. Jihoon called your name once again to get your attention but you didn’t respond to him.

Instead you pulled up a new word document and began to type.

The glow of the computer screen cast over your keyboard, and your perfect muscle memory when it came to typing, meant that you had very little need for any additional light in the room. And considering the situation that was perfect.

As you wrote, you felt a hand land softly on your head. You made a hum of protest as Jihoon shifted on the bed above you, his fingers running through the strands of your hair.

“What is it this time?” He asked you, his voice a sharp contrast to the sound of the air conditioner humming in the background.

“Simple,” you replied. “What if Adaline and… Ara? Wait… Not Ara. Uh…”

It had been so long since you had thought about this story that you had been building. There were only four main characters, and yet still you could only remember two characters names. Adaline and Ara… But… Their relationship… Where they even the two that you were thinking of? “You mean Saturn… Right?” Jihoon offered.

You breathed out in relief. For a moment all that could be heard was the sound of your clattering keyboard keys.

“What if right before the final showdown, Adaline and Saturn got to talking, and Saturn realized that Adaline is really grounded about the whole situation. Like realizes that she thinks she might die?”

“Adaline thinks she might die?” Jihoon blurted. You shushed him, your fingers hesitating to type the next word. You were quick to regain your original line of thought.

“The story of the four begins with Adaline. Isn’t it fitting that it should end with her?” You asked. Jihoon didn’t respond to that. Instead he let you write for as long as you needed in silence. It wasn’t long before you had managed to write a good chunk of what had been on your mind.

“What if while they were talking Saturn proposed,” you continued.

“That would be-”

“Romantic right? Just as she’s alluding to her death, in… Who know’s how many pages, and he just proposes? I mean… We all know they’ew end game but-”

“It’s a confirmation,” Jihoon agreed, and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“Except, she can’t accept. Because she knows- Just like Elmond does. I think they’re too meta for their own good. From the moment they are introduced they know exactly what their fate is. That’s why it’s so important whenever they interact. It’s like… Seeing each other just seals their fate.”

“You can’t kill Adaline,” Jihoon murmured. “Get out of bed at three in the morning to write instead of sleep with me. Fine. But kill my favorite character you’ve ever come up with?” You read over that last line that you wrote and hummed.

That was a good word vomit. About a thousand words. You felt yourself slowing down… Your mind returning to it’s former… Almost numb state. You were so tired. You couldn’t remember the last time that you had slept well.

You closed your laptop and set it back on the floor. Jihoon shifted over in bed and before you knew it you were climbing back under the sheets yet.

“I’m not sure yet,” you admitted. “And I love Adaline but… I think she’d understand. Sometimes people just have to die.”

“But Adaline can’t,” Jihoon argued. Even though his words were strong, his touch was gentle against your body as he pulled you back against the curve of his chest. “Ara and Dawn… They need her. Saturn needs her.”

You were quiet for a second, just listening to him breath.

“You are a lot like Saturn in some ways,” you murmured. This time, it was him who had to pause in silent thought at your words.

“And you are a lot like Adaline,” he agreed. “And yet. You started writing this before we even met.”

You felt Jihoon softly press his lips to your neck once again, and it made you remember why you missed him so desperately whenever he wasn’t close all over again.

“I guess sometimes you know who your soulmate is going to be before you two even meet,” you whispered. You said it quietly, hoping he wouldn’t hear but… You knew he had. “But we lose people we need sometimes.”

You weren’t necessarily insecure at the moment, but it was hard to deny that sometimes you felt as if there was no room for yourself in Jihoon’s life. Day’s where you thought about leaving and never looking back for his good. Cause, maybe he was better off without you.

You knew that he knew that sometimes you felt like that. Feared that one day he would return to any empty apartment and a tear-stained note as a last good bye. Just like Adaline’s fate laid heavy in your heart, and uncertainly on your shoulders… You weren’t sure if you could ever give up Jihoon.

But you also recognized that even he must see the allegory hiding within the situation.

“Without you,” Jihoon started. He stopped himself. “Without Adaline, I don’t think Saturn would even be able to live anymore. His dreams of Astronomy? Days lifeguarding on the beaches of Lake Michigan would be tossed aside for one thing and one thing only. Remembering her. I think he’d become a botanist just for her.”

“Jihoon-”

Before you could finish what you were trying to say Jihoon had shifted his weight, slipping into the space above you. Even through you were partially blinded from looking at a bright screen in such a dark room you were able to look up into Jihoon’s eyes, seeing the sincerity that lie just beneath the surface.

“You’re my everything,” he mumbled. “And I love you. And I never want to be without you.”

You couldn’t really think about what that meant for you and Jihoon at the moment. So instead, you pretended you were someone else. A character in one of your stories. One of the one’s that Jihoon would tease you about after having caught a glimpse of what you were writing over your shoulder saying: “They’re a bit like you aren’t they?”

Every character that any writer wrote had a hint of themselves in it. And as such, every word that left a writer’s mouth had the potential to be a new truth- even if not really considered before.

It was hard to imagine that Jihoon would be the man that you stayed with for the rest of your life. Not because you didn’t love him. No… It was because you had never imagined that anyone would find it in them to love you this much, and that you would love them back just as hard. You hadn’t thought that in this world in which hardly a soul had looked your way, you would find… Your missing puzzle piece.

You had grown used to seeing people break up all around. Parents who had seemed so in love all seemed to divorce in the end. It was disheartening. You felt as if nothing could last forever and yet-

“Tell me that we can’t make it work forever,” you whispered. To anyone normal, such a statement might sound insane.

“Even with the whole world against us,” Jihoon replied. “We could make forever work.”

You leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to Jihoon’s lips.

“I think I know what should happen to Adaline now.”

Jihoon returned his body to the mattress, his arms once again wrapping around you.

“Is that so?”

You hummed.

“Nature is forever replenishing and even under pressure it has its own way of surviving even the most dangerous situations,” you stated. “Maybe Elmond and her can work it out. Maybe only Elmond has to die.”

You felt Jihoon’s eyes flutter to a shut against you.

“Don’t tell Mingyu, he loves Elmond.”

You laughed.

“Good night Jihoon.”

“Sleep,” was all that Jihoon said in response, and you let his words and the darkness lull you into doing just that.

tagged by: @late-stagechosen

tagging: the digifool reading this

name: Osamu Ichijouji ( 一乗寺　治)

aliases: various, ever changing online pseudonyms to avoid cultivating an established identity

gender: male

age: 14 or older

date of birth: June 8th, 1988 [date of death - October 11th, 1999]

place of birth: an alien planet, clearly, just look at that hair colour

hometown: Tamachi district, Minato; Tokyo

languages spoken: Japanese, English, Korean, German

sexual orientation: biromantic asexual

occupation: daycare nanny

eye colour: purple

hair colour: lavender

height: 150cm, got their tiny mom’s genes for that one.

scars: of the self harm variety

burns: here and there, from trying to cook for Kenny at age 4

overweight: yes. this is partially, again, their mother’s genes, but also due to the fact that he both stress eats and is not exactly in a position to burn off those calories easily

underweight: no

favourite colour: he wouldn’t tell you if he was asked, but it’s pink. this was ken’s favorite colour as a child, which he wore constantly. it reminds osamu of easier times, when all his brother needed from him was bubble mix

favourite hair colour: red, like that of Kurisu

favourite eye colour: blue, see above

favourite song: he doesn’t have one. like ken at age 11, he doesn’t really understand how music works and was never encouraged to because his parents wouldn’t want him to get attached to an artform, since artists are so poor. and it never really occurred to him in adult life to pick it up.

favourite movie: Oldboy. He likes Korean movies, for as long as his dad doesn’t catch him watching them.

favourite tv show: never has enough time on a regular basis to catch up with a show every week, and thusly only really watches movies in his spare time

favourite drink: Fake Denki-Bran

favourite book: similarly to his relationship with tv, never has the kind of time to read

passed university: no, never attended

had sex: yes, if this counts rape

had sex in public: no

gotten pregnant: he’s a cis man

kissed a boy: verse-dependant

kissed a girl: yes

gotten tattoos: nope

gotten piercings: see above

been in love: Ryou

had a broken heart: when Ryou left, and then later when Ken did the same

virgin: no

cuddler: definitely, though his means of doing so are awkward with his limited waist mobility. Osamu is an extremely clingy person with those close to him and this is very apparent in how often he wants them as close to him as is physically possible

kisser: indirectly, yes. he will take every opportunity he has to cover his little brother in kisses. not so much in romantic context. he’d do it if his partner liked it, since it doesn’t make him uncomfortable, but he wouldn’t seek it out a quarter as much as he would seek out cuddles

scared easily: by one, singular thing. the thought of losing ken, either to death, or to his brother growing fed up with his personality flaws and abandoning him. nothing else can scare him, not really, but Osamu has an intense and all-consuming fear of being abandoned. in his eyes, love is something eternally conditional, that can be taken away from him at a moment’s notice. he’ll do anything to placate an angered loved one.

jealous easily: very much so. due to his aforementioned fear of abandonment, Osamu has a tendency to be possessive to the point of his own detriment, afraid to be forgotten in favor of someone “better”. like kenny was ignored in his favor all those years ago.

trustworthy: as is probably self-evident by his canonical cause of death, Osamu would die in a heartbeat for those he loves. he would lie to them to protect them, but never would he intentionally hurt them, unless he thought he was choosing the lesser of two evils that his loved one might face.

submissive: though clingy and possessive he may be, Osamu is very quick to buckle under pressure from those he actively wants the affection of, as I mentioned before. he’s been all but trained to think that opposing those he loves will make them berate him and call him ungrateful for their affection until he gives up and does what they want. he’s aware of this pitfall of his, though, and this is essentially why he’s such a goddamn tsundere: he’s terrified of being that vulnerable to someone he doesn’t trust at least as much as Ken.

dominant: he picks up bad habits from his parents in how he treats Ken at an early age, but as soon as he develops the vaguest amount of critical thinking skills, he spends all his mental energy trying to subvert these teachings. as such, he’s quite the pushover with those close to him any older than 12.

in love: verse-dependant

single: yes

siblings: Ken

parents: Mama and Papa Ichijouji

kids: none atm

pets: none. likes snakes.

Can you write a Peter Kavinsky hot tub scene with Klaroline?

Hey! Thanks anon and Happy Holidays! I really loved this scene in the movie. I’ve changed it though and put a Klaroline/Christmas spin on it. The title and italicised lyrics are from the song playing during the hot tub scene in TATBILB, which I’m sure you already know. 

Lovers

25 December - Aspen, Colorado - 1:03am

I’m in the dark….

“All by yourself, huh?” Caroline murmured, making her presence known. She wasn’t quite sure how long she’d been standing inside at the window watching him from afar but Caroline was fairly certain it might constitute stalking to some. 

If anyone caught her she’d say it was all his fault.

And it was.

She was pretty sure anyway.

She’d been unable to sleep, his crimson lips taunting her every time she closed her eyes. As if it was bad enough he haunted her during the day she also had to contend with his unwanted presence at night. 

“You say that like you’re surprised or something, Forbes,” he replied stoically, his eyes focused on the small ripples forming on the surface of the hot tub. 

“Well…”

“You are unbelievable,” he growled, slicing his hands through the water and disturbing the ripples he’d apparently been so captivated by moments earlier. “Who else would I be with?”

“I don’t know,” she began. “The waitress at dinner could barely keep her eyes or hands off you.”

“Sounds like someone was also distracted,” he shot back, a slight grin tugging at his lips but it was gone before she could admire just how much it brought out those disarming dimples. 

“Well, it was a little hard not to notice,” she baulked. 

And it was.

Caroline could barely contain herself during dinner but decided to blame the foreign feelings on indigestion. Now she wasn’t so sure.   

“You realise you’re not my girlfriend, right? I don’t answer to you.” He asked, his blue eyes finally meeting hers. Although it was dark, the lights emanating from the hot tub couldn’t hide his frustration. 

“Trust me, I’m aware,” she huffed. “And for that I am grateful. It’s difficult enough having to pretend with such an egotistical, arrogant jerk.”

“Say what you really think,” he muttered. 

Caroline couldn’t miss the hurt registering on his face but only for a split second. Klaus Mikaelson could be so frustrating but there were moments. albeit brief, she would catch a quick glimpse into some hidden world where he wasn’t the arrogant jock he purported to be at college. 

October 31st - Stanford College, California - 9:59pm

She remembered the first time they met like it was yesterday. Two years her senior, Klaus was well-known around college, almost as much for his womanising ways, as head of fraternity Alpha Delta Phi. 

Caroline had pledged Beta Sigma Phi not knowing just how connected the two organisations were. It was Halloween and Caroline had found herself at their fraternity celebrations, mainly because her best friend Katherine had forced her to attend. 

She was actively trying to avoid Stefan Salvatore, a guy from her English class who’d taken a rather unhealthy likening towards her. He was part of Alpha Delta Phi and this was the last place she wanted to be. Tightening her white feathered mask, Caroline was happy to be at least partially disguised to avoid detection.   

Katherine had disappeared to get some punch but she’d been taking her sweet time returning, no doubt flirting with someone. Caroline found herself distracted by some artwork on the nearby wall. 

It was gorgeous. An array of abstract dark blues and greys. Upon first glance it seemed angst filled and dark but there were a few, brief white and silver touches that signified something completely different.

“Do you like it?” A voice asked behind her. It was low and gravelly over the loud music, his breath tickling the hairs on the back of her neck and making her shiver.

“It’s complex,” she murmured. “So many layers, so many emotions.” Caroline didn’t consider herself an art expert but she knew what she liked and this was it. 

“How so?”

“The artist,” she began, wondering briefly why she was conversing with a complete stranger she hadn’t even seen but found herself too lost in the painting to stop. “They’re drowning in fear and sadness, but these lighter colours show they aren’t completely lost. There is hope buried amongst all the despair.”

There was a long silence, Caroline almost worried she’d interpreted it wrong and the stranger was preparing to argue with her assessment. 

“Caroline, is that you?” Unlike the stranger, that was a voice she knew and dreaded at the same time. 

“Stefan,” she groaned, trying to sound like she cared but failing miserably. She could still feel the stranger behind her wondering what he was thinking right now. “You’re here.”

“Well, of course it is an Alpha Delta Phi party. I’m so glad you came, it feels like I haven’t seen you in ages.” If by ages he meant spying on her from behind a tree yesterday afternoon in the quad. 

“I’ve been busy,” she lied. “With homework and…”

“Me,” the stranger finally spoke again, now coming into view. Of course he was dressed as the devil to her angel. Rather than being weirded out she was actually relieved he’d stepped in, whoever Lucifer was.   

“Yes, we’ve been seeing quite a bit of each other actually,” Caroline babbled, wondering how her night had taken such a turn. “We even wore matching costumes for the occasion, isn’t it cute? He just loves that kind of thing.” 

By the way he stiffened against her, Caroline could tell matching costumes wasn’t really his thing. But he did start it.

“You and…” Stefan baulked, his surprise not lost on Caroline. 

“Yes,” she confirmed, wondering briefly why he was so shocked but not caring as she pulled him closer for a kiss. Might as well make this believable. 

She’d noticed those crimson lips under his mask but never imagined they’d feel so supple. The stranger was still at first letting her do all the work as her tongue ran along his upper lip. The least he could do was play along, she thought. 

But it didn’t take long before he opened his mouth slowly welcoming her tongue and intertwining it with his. He tasted like a combination of whiskey and mint and she only registered that he’d dipped her backwards when he finally pulled away. 

She could make out his blue eyes filled with something unrecognisable as he pulled her back up to full standing mode. Given the fact her legs felt like jelly she was glad his arms were still firmly fastened around her waist. But if Caroline was being honest holding her balance wasn’t the sole reason for that.

They held each other’s gaze before he let her go and lifted his mask. It took all her composure not to lose it. It was Klaus Mikaelson of all people and she’d just unwittingly thrown herself at the egotistical idiot like one of his many sycophants. 

“You’re welcome, love,” he smirked, those dimples making an untimely appearance. 

“Excuse me?” She insisted, deciding she had nothing to be grateful for, well except maybe for Stefan’s hurried exit.  

“It’s only a snowflake by the way,” he offered pointing to the artwork in question on the nearby wall. 

“Is your interpretation really that literal?”

“I suppose it is,” he murmured, a brief frown creasing his forehead before walking away, leaving Caroline open mouthed. 

“Roomie,” Katherine squealed excitedly as she approached. “You’ll never guess what happened to me.”

“It can’t be as crazy as what happened to me,” she mumbled taking the plastic cup from her friend’s outstretched hand and downing it in one go. “I’m going to need more drinks to get through this party.” 

13 hours later….Beta Sigma Phi House

“Go away,” Caroline groaned, trying to appease the excruciating headache the incessant knocking was causing. 

“I can’t do that,” Katherine shot back, throwing open the door and jumping onto her bed like an excitable child on Christmas. “He’s here to see you!”

“Katherine,” she whined, throwing the pillow over her head and trying to ignore the pain ripping through her cranium. “I don’t care.”

“You’ll care when you know who it is,” she chuckled. “The whole house is in a frenzy.”

“Great, let them greet this mystery guest that I have no interest in seeing in my current state.”

“Care,” Katherine chided, peeling away the pillow and throwing off the covers. “You must have made a real impression on Klaus Mikaelson for him to show up here.”

“Klaus Mikaelson?” She asked, suddenly somewhat conscious. “What does he want?”

“Well, how about you stop whining, change into something much more attractive than these ghastly, flannel pyjamas and get your ass downstairs,” she insisted. “He usually loses interest in a girl the moment after he’s kissed her but you must have made an impression.”

“Oh wow, my mission in life,” she growled. “To be of interest to the biggest, womaniser on campus.”

“Stop with all the compliments, love, you’re embarrassing me,” another voice offered from the doorway. She buried her head in the pillow as the previous night came back in all its weird glory. 

Caroline felt the mattress bounce, realising Katherine had left her with the smug idiot. She was going to have words with her supposed best friend later. She sat up, albeit reluctantly, noticing that her hair was sticking up in different directions and had taken on a bed-like appearance and not the sexy type. 

She took a moment to focus on the intruder, all sexy in dark jeans and a grey henley, no signs of a hangover in sight. Bastard. Meanwhile she was clothed in her most unattractive but equally warm she would argue, red tartan.  

“What do you want?” She asked, deciding that in her current state she needed to get to the point before a bathroom visit was necessary.

“Now, that’s not the way to talk to the person who saved you from your clingy, ex-boyfriend.”

“He’d have to have been my boyfriend for that ever to be true,” she grumbled. “And you didn’t save anyone, I’m more than capable of doing that on my own.”

“Fine,” he agreed. “I’ll accept your version of events, Forbes.”

“Says literal Mr Snowflake,” she shot back remembering his close minded interpretation of the painting. “What do you want, except ruining my sleep patterns?”

“I have a mutually beneficial proposal for you, love.”

Looking back Caroline realised it was the most stupid thing she’d ever agreed to given the fake endearment that accompanied it, but decided to blame it on the fact she was probably still drunk.   

Present Day

Show a little loving…

“Why am I here, Klaus?” She asked shyly, making her way towards the edge of the hot tub. “Really.” 

When they made their arrangement it was designed to deter Stefan and any unwanted girls that swarmed around him on a daily basis. 

Caroline had been surprised given she assumed he loved all the attention. But as soon as they shook on their deal the only person he seemed to want to swarm around him was her. And Caroline was struggling not to like being in his constant presence. 

It was as if they got each other but Klaus still remained a little distant. When he invited her home for Christmas at his families ski chalet in Aspen, Caroline was confused given the terms of the arrangement. However for some reason she’d said yes.

But meeting the Mikaelson family yesterday had been confronting to say the least. Mikael was a dictatorial, judgmental father who didn’t think anything Klaus did was good enough. Esther, while being kind for the most part, just let her husband behave that way. 

His siblings Elijah, Rebekah and Kol, she noted, were all similar to Klaus; cocky and apparently immune to their parent’s treatment. Although Caroline could see straight through them all. She was frustrated, wondering why Klaus didn’t bite back, why none of them did.

Dinner at the nearby restaurant last night had been the final straw, watching as the waitress shamelessly flirted with her supposed boyfriend. Caroline had told herself numerous times that she didn’t care but standing here in the darkness it was all too much to deny.

Klaus hesitated for a moment his glance now returning towards the water. For a guy who was usually so self-assured he was having a lot of trouble making eye contact. Caroline didn’t stop to think, just removed her coat and waded into the water in only her white nightie. 

She decided to address the fact that her nightie would be completely see through later. 

She could see him inhale sharply while his eyes traced every inch of her body as she submerged herself in the hot tub. There was no chance of him avoiding her gaze now and their connection was as intense as ever through the steam rising up from the water.

“I know you’re a stubborn ass but talk to me,” she insisted. “It’s just you and me.”

“I didn’t get to give you your Christmas present yet,” he murmured, reaching outside the tub and producing a brightly coloured, wrapped gift.

“You didn’t have to…”

“But I wanted to, Caroline,” he smiled. “It might also explain a few things.” Reaching for it and tearing away the paper, Caroline recognised it straight away. 

“You gave me a snowflake,” she asked, her eyebrows raised curiously. 

“It’s not a snowflake turns out,” he admitted sheepishly. 

“You don’t say,” she teased, taking in the painting she’d fallen in love with all those months ago at his frat house. 

“Everything you said that night it just hit me,” he explained. “You saw everything; every stroke and every emotion I poured onto the canvas. I was happy but also scared that you noticed and interpreted all my vulnerabilities. 

“The fear and sadness…”

“My father has never hidden the fact I’m a disappointment,” Klaus shared, his voice breaking slightly. “I’ve worked my ass off to be what he expects but apparently it will never be enough.”

“And the light?” Caroline asked purposefully changing the subject as she traced the silver and white streaks. He didn’t respond immediately. Caroline, meanwhile, placed the painting on the side of the hot tub then made her way towards him.

Shine a little light on me….

“I knew there was something on the other side but it wasn’t until I met you that night everything finally made sense,” he murmured, pulling her closer so that she was straddling him and snaked his arms around her waist. “You get me, Caroline Forbes. All of me.”

“Is that so?” She teased, running her hands along his toned shoulder blades and revelling in the feeling of his bare skin against her touch.

“That is so,” he grinned, nuzzling his nose against hers. 

“Hang on,” she replied, pulling away abruptly from his warm embrace. “You tricked me, Mikaelson?”

“Well…”

“You only made this deal because…”

“Because I am utterly and ridiculously in love with you, Forbes,” he smiled, pulling her closer. “Even before we kissed I was a goner.”

“Well, I do have a certain irresistible appeal,” she giggled. “But just so you know I sometimes speak without thinking. And now that you’re my boyfriend….”

“I am?”

“Don’t tease me,” she groaned, pulling him closer so their lips were within inches of each other. “I might feel the need to tell your father what an ass he is over Christmas lunch, just a warning.”

“Just another reason I love you,” he feathered kisses along her jawbone, Caroline losing herself in the sensations it was causing below.

“Oh and while I’m admitting things,” she began, pulling back again and gazing into his eyes. “My nightie is probably see through by now.”

“You’re killing me, Forbes,” he groaned, his hands moving lower and pulling her flush against his body.  And suddenly nothing or no one else mattered now they were finally in each other’s arms. 

In my Crossroads FF collection HERE

for the otp ask meme: ronan/peyrol and/or bres/sreng; 2, 9, 15

Thanks!

2. How do they wake up next to each other? 

For Lazare and Ronan, it depends on the night. In the very early days, Lazare very rarely stuck around long enough for Ronan to really wake up to him, being gone at least an hour or so before daybreak, when Ronan tends to gets up. As time went on and he realized that it was important to give Ronan attention/affection, he grew to like it, liked the stability of having Ronan THERE and knowing that he was. Sometimes, they’ll fall asleep with Ronan settling his head into Lazare’s neck and they wake up like that. (And then the first thing Lazare’s aware of is Ronan playing with his hair, which he is never willing to admit that he likes.) Sometimes, one of them has a nightmare (generally Lazare, but as time goes on, Ronan gets his demons as well, and more than his fair share of ghosts) and startles, generally needing a little bit of time to relax before they try to go to sleep again. Sometimes, Ronan spreads out, taking up most of the bed (and the blankets). Sometimes, they wake up facing one another, legs entangled so that there’s real way to tell the two apart, and there’s a moment or so when they can think “Oh my God, we actually made it.” 

Since Sreng is repeatedly referred to in-text as HUGE (The Fir Bolg’s description: ”For he is big and fierce, and bold to spy on hosts and interview strangers, and uncouth and terrifying to behold.” Bres’ description of him: “A big, powerful, fierce man…with vast, wonderful weapons, truculent and hardy withal, without fear of any man”) while Bres doesn’t get the same description, I tend to think that they have a height difference, so Bres just…..flops on top of him. Possibly slightly more dignified than that but still. Sreng makes a very nice, warm pillow and Bres has high standards for this kind of thing. And, barring anyone Bres flopping around, they probably wake up in a similar way, with Bres sometimes nuzzling against Sreng, especially post-Cath Maige Tuired when I think that Bres would become increasingly clingy. 

9. When their partner has a bad day, what is something the other picks up to try and make their day a little better? 

Ronan - Tends to get either coffee (Laz drinks STRICTLY black, in both the Modern and the Canon verse) and/or chocolate, depending on just how bad a day we’re talking about. (If Artois is anywhere in the vicinity, it’s a “both” kind of day.) @lehetsz-kiraly and I somehow decided a while ago that, like his Toho actor, Laz is a chocoholic. Albeit a very, very closeted one who tends to blame Ronan for the various and assorted chocolates that are stuffed around the house (Oka Kojiro is a delight to follow on Instagram but my GOD does the man love his sweets. And….every other type of food. Do NOT go on his account if you happen to have an empty stomach.) So, Ronan brings the chocolate and makes a BIG deal over not being able to finish it after 1-2 pieces and can’t just let it go stale, you know (because….subtlety….Ronan….they don’t match). 

Also has been known to bring Lazare lunches to his office, on the days when he gets so engrossed in his work he forgets to eat, and tends to try to find ways of distracting him, because he knows that Lazare has the tendency of brooding on this sort of thing and generally just needs a way of getting away from it for a little while. (For all that he rags on Lazare for mother-henning him, he can be JUST as bad, being the one most statistically likely to make a nuisance of himself before Lazare gives in and takes care of himself. Ronan might have a bit of a puppy dog personality, but he has a cat’s habit of sitting on Lazare’s lap, blocking the keyboard, etc. when SOMEONE doesn’t listen.) 

Laz - Lazare…tends to go casual, on the days when Ronan’s off. Not FULLY casual, because it’s still LAZ. We’re still not going to see him dead in, say, a pair of jeans, but he bends a little bit more. Fast food? He might cut his hamburger into tiny pieces and then poke at them like he’s a scientist working on a lab experiment, but he’ll do it. Lounging on the couch and watching Shape of Water with Ronan, despite claiming that he has no interest in this sort of thing? He’ll do it. And if seeing his boyfriend making that kind of effort for his sake doesn’t make Ronan cheer up at least a little, then seeing his awkward attempts at behaving like a Normal Functioning Human Being™ will. 

Sreng - For some reason, I see Sreng as being much less…big on getting THINGS so much as reassuring Bres and being outwardly affectionate. Sreng’s odd because on one hand, he was born the son of a king and he grew up the brother of a king, until Fodbgen was killed by Eochaid mac Eirc. And, even then, he’s STILL described as being (along with his brothers Semne and Sithbrug) the Fir Bolg King of “The province of Cú Roi” (Modern Munster) when the Tuatha dé arrive, so he’s STILL in the upper, upper ranks of the nobility. Despite the “uncouth and terrifying to behold” description, this is NOT someone who’s exactly having to scavenge in the forest for his next meal. In some ways, he’s actually BETTER BORN than Bres, at least if we’re talking about the context of Cath Maige Tuired, since he’s IN with the tribe in a way that Bres ISN’T with the Tuatha dé (or, really, even with the Fomorians). But then, with the Tuatha dé’s victory, the Fir Bolg become unsettled, in at least some stories being reduced to refugees or servitude (AGAIN) and he loses a lot of that prestige, so he can’t really…PROVIDE that to Bres on the same level (Which…honestly, has to sting Sreng’s pride at least a little). All he can really provide is himself, and so he does. Like, Bres gets home and then he’s got Sreng gently rubbing his shoulders. Or he falls asleep in the middle of planning a strike against the Tuatha dé, face down on a table somewhere, and the next thing he knows, he’s waking up in his own bed, Sreng beside him, rubbing his back. During the CMT era in particular, Bres NEEDS that reassurance and that affection; he’s got the material help from his father, but he doesn’t have any SUPPORT except for his mother and Sreng. (Alright, and the kids, but they’re…his KIDS. He’s not going to tell the full truth to them, even when they’re Adults™.)

Bres - Bres totally brings the punny cards, in keeping with my ongoing theme of Dad Joke Bres. Sreng rolls his eyes, but he keeps them all anyway, in a small wooden chest that he keeps his “Things that I’ll take if I’m forced to move suddenly” in and looks at them when Bres can’t be there for one reason or another. Lugh intercepts them at one point and tries to run them through every. Single. Cipher and way of deciphering secret messages that he can, thinking there’s some hidden wordplay in there. Ogma is the one who has to gently break it to him that, no, Bres is just Like That, there is not actually a secret message written in invisible ink on there. Though the jury’s still out on whether any one of the Tuatha dé…realize EXACTLY what they mean. “They swore a vow of friendship long ago, Lugh”

15. Things they do for one another because they know their partner hates it?

In any modern AU where he can’t fall back on servants, Peyrol takes care of anything when it comes to cleaning and cooking. Partially because he knows Ronan hates it and partially because he is TERRIFIED of the results otherwise. (Modern AU Ronan can make ramen and various and assorted microwave meals and that is pretty much it. And Lazare wants his place to still be standing.) 

Also in any AU where they stay together long enough to get pets, Lazare’s the one who tends to let them out, because even though he SAID that they were going to be Ronan’s primary responsibility, he couldn’t find it in himself to wake Ronan up the first time they started pawing at him to be let out. 

Ronan tends to help Lazare with getting dressed, given that he’s never trusted a valet enough for that duty and it’s difficult for one person to do and even if he did, Ronan REALLY doesn’t necessarily want someone in the room with him and Lazare, no thank you, he didn’t have much privacy growing up but he’s not going to have a STRANGER seeing him half-naked at best with his boyfriend. And Lazare doesn’t want a giant neon sign that says “I’m gay, please report me to law enforcement.” He grumbles about the different layers, on why the aristocracy makes everything so complicated just to show off how rich they are, but he also loves having that intimacy. 

Bres - This is cliche as fuck but do I care? No. No I do not. Bres tends to specialize in anything involving planning things; outfits, feasts, etc. He might HATE being social, but he likes the presentation of it. Whereas, as discussed below, Sreng’s better at the social aspect and less at the presentation. This did backfire on Sreng one Halloween when Bres had them go as Louis and Lestat. The 18th-19th century were BRES’ centuries, not Sreng’s. 

Also, Bres tends to do better when it comes to taking care of animals. Not in a “sweet summer child laying in a field with puppies” way, but anything from the equipment to making sure Babgiter doesn’t chew up Sreng’s cloak again. (He has given a very stern lecture to the pig about this before. Babgiter didn’t look overly convinced.) In general, when it comes to agriculture, Bres excels, whereas Sreng is more fundamentally a warrior and an aristocrat. (I swear that I didn’t INTENTIONALLY wind up with another farmer/aristocrat duo, it just…happened.) I don’t really see Bres as being actively involved like ANOTHER farmer would be, because he’s still…a nobleman…albeit a very….unorthodox one, and for a nobleman to take up manual labor DRASTICALLY lowered his honor price, especially a former king like Bres, but he takes a more active management role, whereas Sreng isn’t really interested in it more than he has to be in order for his people to eat for another year. And, if Bres wants to take control of that aspect of things, GREAT. It keeps his boyfriend occupied in something that he loves for a change and it gives Sreng one less headache. 

Sreng - Despite outwardly appearing like the less socially inclined of the pair, Sreng’s actually BETTER with dealing with people, in the long run. Bres…is a bit of a disaster when it comes to handling people according to their rank and sometimes lets his mouth run ahead of him, even after he becomes more mature and level headed following his expulsion from the throne, whereas Sreng….might not like them, but he also has a lifetime of experience as far as treating people as society says they need to be treated even if he collapses afterwards, so, any time the two of them are in a position where they have to deal with people, Sreng tends to field the most stress-inducing conversations. Though, when it comes to the family, Bres is on his own because Sreng does NOT want to deal with the Dagda or Bres’ terrifying aunts more than absolutely necessary. (Badb in particular tends to feel like she’s just waiting for the chance to tear him apart, black eyes never fully leaving him, and even though Bres assures him that that’s normal, Sreng’s oddly not convinced.)

Also, even though Bres loves his children FIERCELY and doesn’t hate spending time with them, there are times where he’s too exhausted to deal with six kids all clamoring for his attention, so Sreng’s been known to distract them. (AKA “How Indusa first learned how to handle a sword.”) 

||Something In The Way||

[REQUEST BY: Anon]

This got long but I really enjoyed writing this. I was listening to Jorja Smith - Something In The Way the WHOLE time while doing this. I hope you enjoy!

Summary: The two of you are in a relationship but it never really feels like you have all of Erik. It feels like something is holding him back from loving you completely it’s pushing you away.

Warning: 18+ and I didn’t proof read this, angst, smut

When you met Erik he looked broken and in need of some TLC, at least that’s what you though. At first he wasn’t having any of it but the two of you got together because he ultimately couldn���t stay away from you. After about 4 months of dating you partially moved your things in with him and spent most of your time at his crib. Needless to say, you fell into the whole “I can fix him” squad and at the end of the day you started to realize it was a mistake. You argued when you were together, but couldn’t stand to be apart from him. He would be away all of the time on countless missions for whoever the hell he worked for and when he was home, he was training. He either stayed at the gun range, gym, of a martial arts studio. Erik would barely call or text and when he did it was short and would hang up without saying he loved you too. You loved Erik’s athleticism and always appreciated when he took his shirt of, even if it wasn’t to have sex with you. When he got involved with Klaue, you were grateful that it wasn’t a real deal, but more like an undercover mission but the thought of him being so invested in something like this and watching this made your stomach turn. He was losing himself, being pulled down in this quicksand called ‘revenge’. When your girls asked about him you would cover and say that he’s working more hours and is just stressed out but you knew they could see the hurt in your eyes.

The two of you were together for 6 months but it seemed like you never really knew him. You didn’t know this man’s hobbies, his fears, aspirations, or even his favorite flavor of ice cream for christ sake, which by the way is a VERY big fuckin’ deal to you. He wouldn’t kiss you very often, only if you whined long enough but you never felt the love behind it, only a ‘if it makes you shut up’ type vibe. When you got dressed up in your sexiest attire, night time, day time, and club time, the only thing he did was walk right by you. The sex was rough and lacked passion and was only a race for a quick nut. You knew he had a lot on his mind but also you couldn’t help but feel like you were still alone. This has to stop. You knew you could be a little clingy at times, but the way he was acting was pure rejection and you wanted answers. You deserved better but you didn’t want to end things with Erik. It was the times you caught him looking at you, or the surprise kisses, and the times he would chuckle at your jokes or just you being yourself that sparked a glimmer of hope. That still reminded you that he’s still human and not some terminator robot. This was also another reason you wanted to talk, you wanted to fix things.

You had a glass of wine in your hands and was swishing it around looking out into nothing and thinking about a way to confess all of these feelings without starting a fight, but he seemed calm after a workout, which is why you were still up this late. Erik had a short fuse and would often be triggered by the wrong words, or you “being nosey” which scared you because if there was another woman in the picture, you swore to ALL that was Holy, it would be done. When you look down at your phone it reads 11:00PM. Your shoulders tensed when you heard the sound of Erik’s keys and the lock clicking. He steps in and drops his things by the door with a sigh. When his eyes spot you, he nods his head, “What’s up baby, ain’t you gotta go to work early?” He says letting down his dreads but you stay silent.

Erik walks right by you without even giving you a kiss and heads straight for the fridge for a muscle milk, “You ighi’t? What’s wrong?” he says lifting the bottle to his full lips. You take the wine glass to the head and take a deep breath.

“Baby… can you come sit with me?” You ask with a soft voice.

He finishes his bottle and walks around the kitchen counter to come sit by you on the couch, “What’s wrong?” you look down at your lap, the butterflies in your stomach fluttering like mad.

“You ain’t pregnant are you!?” He blurts out causing you to look at him like a damn fool, “No i ain’t pregnant nigga!” You say and he blows out and runs his finger through his dreads, pushing them out of his face.

“Then the fuck is it?” He says seeming a little irritated.

“Do you love me Erik,” You finally force out, you don’t look at him until he clears his throat. He was looking out of the window and nothing could be heard but the sounds of sirens and cars.

“Why am I still with you if I didn’t,” He says looking back at you. You weren’t satisfied with that answer and it set you off, you knew it was just a three word phrase, but you had to hear him say it. You couldn’t help but remember the first time you said it, and his reaction was not the one you expected. He just say there and kissed you goodbye. So was this another one of those times.

“Erik that ain’t enough,” You whisper

“Then the fuck you want me to do-- Y/n?” He says getting irritated now, the clock was ticking, you had to get everything out before he shut down.

“It’s just that-- when we are together it feels like we aren’t a couple sometimes. It feels like there is someone else is taking my place, I’M NOT SAYING THERE IS B-”

“Then what the fuck are you talkin’ ‘bout?” You see him tensing, you were running out of time and you had to say the right thing.

“All I’m sayin’ is… I don’t know if I want to do this anymore if you aren’t willing to put for SOME effort in this if you want us to work,” You finally push out and looks up at him. His brows furrowed and you were holding your breath. He stands up and just scoffs, “Get the fuck out of here with all this shit cause I ain’t got time,”

“So what does that mean Erik?” You slightly raise your voice standing up, “you treat me like a damn paperweight! Erik!” Now you’ve done it, let the games begin.

“I just said I wouldn’t be dealing with all the shit if I didn’t, like damn what more do you want?!” He growls shifting his weight to his other foot. He always got so angry with you when you asked for more, as if he was afraid of handing over his heart. Did he not trust you?

“Look I’m not finna put up with this shit,” He says turning his back to you and heading to his bedroom, “I’ll talk to yo ass tomorrow when you ain’t drunk off that wine,” You scoff and growl following him and grab his shirt. He looks over his shoulder only to glare at you, “If you ain’t happy then leave damn, I don’t know that the fuck you want me to do,”

“Treat me like I’m your girlfriend! I deserve so much more than what you are giving my. I crave the attention im not getting so when a random nigga out on the street says something I don’t even feel guilty when I smile! I’m giving you my all for nothing in return” You yell smacking his back a few times.

“So if you wanna talk to other niggas then you can ma, fareal! I really don’t give a fuck if that’s how you feel!” He spins around and is now face-to-face with you. Standing your ground you shove him in his chest, “First of all I ain’t one of yo funkass friends, so don’t you DARE buck to me like that!” You shout glaring  back up at him, “and TWO, that’s not the fuckin’ point!”

“I’m fuckin’ busy bruh and I have shit to do,” He scoffs, “like I said, if you don’t like it you can leave at any time!” He’s glaring at you again as if daring you to.

“You are SUCK a asshole dude I swear!” You say stepping back and storming to get your things.

“And you’re acting like a prissy ass bitch, tha’ fuck outta here with all that,” He huffs before turning around and disappearing into his bedroom. You hear his statement and that's when you lose all control when you pick up your backpack full of clothes.

“FUCK YOU ERIK! JUST FUCK YOU! All this fucking revenge shit is fucking stupid! You fucking pops would call you a dumb nigga! He don’t want this! ” You yell and you hear the door open back up. His heavy footsteps fill your ears and you are pressed against the wall, eyes filled with rage.

“You don’t fuckin’ know my pops! Don’t you ever say SHIT about him to me! You don’t know! So shut the fuck up and quit running your mouth about shit you don’t understand!” He says with his finger in your face. 

“I try to be there for you! I hear you crying at night! You won’t let me in to love you! Just let me in!” You cry to him.

“Get. Out!” He says one last time, “Just leave me alone!” 

You just look at him. The both of you are silent except his heavy breathing.

You swing your backpack over your shoulder and wipe your tears. You didn’t want to waste them on someone who didn’t love you. Erik didn’t bother to stop you when the door clicked. That night you went home with a empty feeling, you cried to your Uber and all the way to your bed. You had no idea if he really loved you like he said he did, or “said he did”. Why did he let this revenge consume him. You wanted to be there for him and support him but he wasn’t letting you. You cried in your bed once you got home, you didn’t bother to wrap your hair, or take off your shoes, you just cried until you fell asleep. Why did you let yourself fall so deep in love with someone who didn’t love you back?

------

Last night seemed like a horrible nightmare. Your throat was sore from crying and your hair was a mess. When you got out of bed you could still feel tears rolling down your puffy cheeks. You went to the bathroom to put your satin cap on and brush your teeth. The woman standing in front of you looked God awful. You cut off the light and walked back into your room, throwing yourself back down onto the bed. Did you and Erik break up last night? Was that the last straw? You flashed back to the things you said about him and his father and gasped at how unnecessary it was, you hid your face into your hands and cried silently into your lap. 

When you hear a knock on your door and you are so quick to get up and answer it. Erik stood there in the doorway, eyes buffy like yours and nose red. He didn’t look at you, just stood there, when you try to close the door, Erik pushes it open and lets himself in. “Get out,” You whisper, your voice hoarse and scratchy. Erik takes a step forward, you take a step back, you have made up your mind. You didn’t want him in your life anymore if this is all it was going to be. Erik takes another step and when you go to take a step back you bump the coffee table and almost fall. With his quick reflexes he reaches forward and wraps his arms around your waist. You are pulled into his chest and can’t help but cry. You hit his chest with your small fists and continue to cry. Erik’s hold on you tightens as he hides his face into your neck. You can hear his muffled sniffs and you look back at him.

“I know I ain’t been the best boyfriend to you, and you right, you deserve the world. I let some shit take over my life and I pushed you aside and made you feel like you ain’t matter. You mean the world to me y/n, please just, don’t leave me like this. You all I have left,” He says to you, “I can’t tell you I love you because I’m afraid of losing you, I’m scared that you just gone up and leave my ass. I ain’t ready to be hurt and left alone again, baby I’m not. But  I love you, Y/n I love you!” He pours out his heart out to you, he looked like a scared child. You’ve never seen Erik at his weakest like this and it made you feel so bad for what you said to him the more he rambled. Big tears roll down his cheeks and you finally pull him into a soft kiss and stay there for a moment. His lips were soft but also kinda crusty, but you didn’t mind, you didn’t exactly look all that hot either. 

Erik kisses back and sighs when he realizes you forgive him. He wraps his arms around your shoulders and he sways the two of you side to side. 

“I love you,” He whispers into your lips and the tears fall. Erik picks you up bridal style and carries you to your bedroom. He gently places your body on the mattress and crawls on top of you. He pulls away from your lips to remove his shirt and you pout. He smiles down at you in a way you’ve never seen before. It was like confessing his true feelings to you was like a weight being lifted off of his shoulders finally and you could feel his relief. Your fingers rake through his dreads when he reconnects both of your lips and you sigh through your nose. His mustache tickling the ball of your nose just a little. Erik never kissed you this way and feeling his passion sent butterflies to your stomach and a jolt of electricity down your spine. He pulls your shirt over your head and exposes your chocolate breasts and pebbled nipples. He brings his lips to the right and works your left breast with his fingers. His free hand roams up your thigh and you flinched at his touch. 

You could feel his tongue lick circles around your nipple before he switches to the other one. When you look down his eyes are watching you and full of lust. His fingertips grazing your womanhood before hooking his finger through and pulling them down your legs and discarding them somewhere around the room. Erik wanted to make this mean something to you and wanted you to feel everything that you wanted to feel. He wanted you to know that he loved you and was grateful for you. He proceeded to remove his pants and pressed your naked bodies together. His scared skin stimulating your nipples and making your breathing increase in speed. You let your fingertips travel over every single hill of his skin. Nothing could come between the two of you in this stage.

“Erik,” You sigh dropping your head back into the sheets. Erik enters a digit into your slick, you bite your bottom lip and arch into him. He watched and sloppily rounded his mouth onto your breasts once more. The feeling was pure bliss but you wanted more of him. 

“I love you baby doll,” He sighs into your skin, “I love you so much.” 

You moan when you feel another digit enter into you for another moment and you tangle your fingers into his dreads and give them a little tug. Your moans were like sweet melodies to Erik’s ears and he wanted more.

“Erik-- ah- please” You whine. 

Erik knew exactly what you wanted and removed his fingers from you. You look up at him behind heavy eyes and beautiful lashes. He brings his fingers up to your lips, you allow them to pass through your lips and you lick yourself clean from his fingers. He bares his teeth and lines himself up at your entrance. He slowly pushes into you and your lips part from his fingers to gasp. His hand moves to your neck, but he doesn’t tighten his grip at all. He slowly pumps into you taking in every ridge and squeeze your sweet cunt had to offer him as you adjusted around him and loving the feeling of his thick dick inside of you. You walls hugged around him not wanting to let him go. His thrusts increase to a comfortable rhythm and your hold onto his arm. Erik removes his hand from your neck and rests it above your head, he leans down to steal a kiss from you. He nips your lip and instantly suckles it. Your moans bounce from the walls as he pick up his tempo. Your sweet boyfriend watches your breasts bounce with each thrust and circles your swollen clit with his thumb earning a string of curses. 

He smirks at how much of a mess he’s making you into. You reach your heads above your head to grab onto the sheets or anything you could cling your fingers onto. 

“F-fuck Erik! Oh my goo-aaaah” You whimper when he applies pressure to your clit. He picks up speed, fucking into you now. You listen to the lewd sounds your dripping pussy was making, sucking your boyfriends cock deeper into her. Erik growls feeling his orgasm approaching, so you rock your hips into his. Your walls clench around him and he bites his bottom lip, “Shit! Come on baby doll, cum,” he moans to you. 

You’re a mess and the gurgles and whining let Erik know that you are so close. Erik pulls out of you leaving you angry and confused. Just when you are about to pout, he rolls you over and enters back into. You wait for him to move but he doesn’t. You look back at him and he’s got an evil grin on his face. 

“Move,” You whine, rolling your hips back against him earning a groan but he doesn’t. You take matters into your own hands and move your hips. He lets his head drop back as you continue to move. When you pick up speed Erik’s hands slap your ass and you gasp. He pounds into you soon throwing the both of you into the paradise you always wanted. Your eyes roll back as you feel Erik release his warm white into you and your walls squeezing every ounce of him. 

When he drops onto you, you can’t help but laugh and try to push him off but he wraps his arms around you. He pulls himself out of you and looks down to see his seed trickle out. He looks at you and kisses the corner of your lips, “I have to go train,” he whispers to you. Your smile slowly fades and you pout, “Can you skip for today,” you beg holding onto him. He kisses the top of your head and goes to move, but you grasp onto him even tighter your eyes shut as tight as they could to you could focus your strength. You knew he could easily get out of your hold but he resisted. You look up at him to see a smile on his face, he relaxes and just pulls you into his chest. 

This is exactly what you wanted.

if it's not too late then skwistok fluff pls

Not too late at all! I’m at my family thing for most of the rest of the day here, so these prompts are perfect; keep em coming you guys!! I’m sequestered in a spare room with my IPad lol. Decided to go extra cutesy and fluffy here, just because I can but also because I’m feeling all cuddly myself (but the person I want to cuddle with is many miles away sadly.) So, two birds with one stone here in prompt fulfillment for you guys, and wish fulfillment of a sort for me! Had to put a little bit of sad in it, but let’s be real here you guys know to expect the Angst from me lol. Toki and Skwisgaar’s Excellent Adventure (of bugging the shit out of everyone else) He should have been happy. She was gone—really, truly gone. She’d died out of his way, hadn’t even had it set up so anyone would call him back for the funeral. Servetta Skwigelf was gone, the stress and fear she’d brought him was gone, but there he was—tucked up in bed, tears rolling down his face. He felt utterly stupid. No one had come to check on him yet. He’d told Charles to tell everyone else, but he hadn’t wanted to see it. Partially because he didn’t want them judging his reaction to them hearing the news, but also because he was sure Murderface would start ‘mournsturbating’ (a thing he had made up himself for whenever someone he found hot died) right there at the breakfast table. And no one needed to see that. “I can leaves if you wants,” Toki’s voice, very soft, very quiet, sounding like he was just at the doorway to his room. How the hell he’d snuck in so quietly, Skwisgaar didn’t know. He had to think about it for a moment. Did he want him to leave? It wasn’t like he wanted anyone to see him being upset, but then again he was also owed some comforting by Toki (who had used him as a source of comfort during their last Disney movie binge; Bambi’s mother dying had done him in.) “Stays,” he heard himself mumble, his voice thick and gruff, unused all morning. “Okays,” Toki’s reply was only a murmur itself, as he climbed onto the bed beside Skwisgaar. Toki’s weight up against him wasn’t a foreign sensation; Skwisgaar found himself as the go-to person for Toki to lean against and fall all over most days, and on date nights Toki could be especially clingy. But in this context, with his eyes burning from the tears and one of Toki’s hands softly patting his shoulder, it was different. “You amn’ts happy about its?” Toki asked. He’d been dreading that question, but he knew it was coming. “I...I don’ts know. I thinks I ams, just...not yets.” “Maybes yous need to does somethings happy, then yous feels it,” Toki suggested. He didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t feel like doing much of anything, unless it involved staying in bed and just laying there. “Gets up. Wes goes and has fun,” Toki said, his patting hand now pulling at Skwisgaar’s arm. “Gots ideas for this, you ams goings to love them.” He sincerely doubted that he would. But no one else would come bother him if they saw him busy with Toki—no more chance of awkward well-meant platitudes, no Murderface asking for any of his mother’s old clothes or something fucked up like that, no Charles asking him if he wanted time off to go to Sweden and see her grave (he’d already asked him twice, but he knew he would ask again.) He let Toki pull him out of bed, and tried to get dressed as if he gave a shit, all the while Toki smiled and hopped about excitedly. Toki dragged him into the front yard from there. “Okays, here ams the first ideas. You sees Nathans?” He did. Nathan was asleep in a hammock set up on two of the few trees near Mordhaus, snoring as loud as fuck. Granted, he was only a few feet from the picnic tables and them, but he snored as loudly as he sang (really fucking loudly.) “Wes ams going to gives him a little wakes up calls,” Toki giggled, and pulled a bucket of firecrackers from under one of the picnic tables. “He will kills us, you ams knowing this?” Skwisgaar asked. It would be fun, but waking Nathan was like waking up a bear. Toki nodded. “Wes runs fast; he can’ts catch us then.” That much was true. Nathan could be fast when he wanted to be, but out of the whole band only Pickles could ever catch up to them if they took off. And that was probably more the cocaine than any actual physical ability. The first firecracker didn’t phase him too much. Toki had landed it right by his hip, but Nathan only half-woke up and swatted it away. The next one Skwisgaar tossed, right into his hair. Toki clutched at his arm, “Be readys to run.” It went off, and so did Nathan. His scream was animalistic, as he flipped out of the hammock onto the ground, a few smoking hunks of hair following him. He didn’t wait for Toki to tell him to go, he just went. Nathan’s boots pounded the dirt fast behind them, like a metronome tapping out the rhythm of how badly they’d fucked up. Toki ended up just ahead of him, at one of the big spruce trees at the edge of the yard. He scrambled up it, and Skwisgaar found himself following without even thinking about it (or how badly it would fuck up his hair as the branches caught on it.) “We mades it,” Toki said, his chest heaving from the run. Skwisgaar could only nod, it felt like his lungs were on fire. The tree shook just a bit as Nathan head butted it, still screaming incoherently and angrily. “I thinks wes ams stuck here for a whiles,” Toki said. Skwisgaar nodded again. It would be suicide to go down now, even as Nathan stomped away. They needed to give him time to cool down first. Not that he minded, actually. The branches were just big enough to sit comfortably on, and they’d gotten pretty high up—you could see for ages, and the breeze was nice. He let Toki prattle on for a bit about some model he was building, only half-listening as his brain threw him a bunch of memories about his mother. What she would have done if he’d done anything like that as a child and she’d caught him (nothing, which was even worse than something, because he knew it meant she didn’t care.) “Looks, it ams Murderface!” Toki chirped suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts. He peered down. Murderface was sat at the base of the tree, mumbling sadly about something (probably Servetta.) “Wants to makes him thinks he ams losing it?” Toki asked, pushing a pine cone into Skwisgaar’s hand. It was almost too easy. He dropped the pine cone, right onto Murderface’s head. “Hey, what the fuck?” Murderface turned to look up the tree, but Skwisgaar realized they must have been just covered enough by the branches to be hidden. “Agains,” Toki urged, reaching out to another branch for a new pine cone and pushing it towards him. This time he gave it a good toss, and Murderface shouted as it hit him. “Thisch is bullschit, just scho you know!” He screamed up into the tree. “I am in mourning, and the fucking universche can’t let me do that?!” Toki was giggling hard enough Skwisgaar had to keep a hand on him so he wouldn’t tumble off his branch. The one Toki threw was perfectly timed; it nailed Murderface right between the eyes as he yelled into the branches. “Oh, fuck thisch schit!” Murderface was tomato red as he flipped off the tree and walked away, grumbling under his breath. “It ams too easy with him,” Toki laughed. “He ams always so angry. And alls wes did was throw a few of thems!” Skwisgaar let himself laugh and nodded. It felt good. Besides, if he knew anything for sure it was that Murderface was probably thinking about his mother in some disgusting way; he deserved a few pine cones to the head for that. “We shoulds go down, find Pickle,” he suggested. Toki nodded, but they didn’t have to go down at all to find him. “Okay, I’m s’posed to—this is fucking stupid—tell you, Mr. Tree, stop hitting Murderface with pine cones. Now, I’m not a dumb fuck, so I know two certain people are in this tree being a bunch of motherfuckers. I ain’t gonna rat you out, but you gotta stop throwing ‘em, okay? He’s already super sad and just gross, don’t make it worse,” Pickles shouted into the branches. Toki looked at Skwisgaar, at the pine cone already in his hand, and let it go. “I said, fucking stop! I am not the enemy here; I’m keeping him and Nathan from coming back out here and cutting the damn tree down to get to you two,” Pickles shouted. Skwisgaar kicked at a pine cone on the branch nearest him and sent it flying. There was the clunk of it hitting a dread-locked head. “Okay, fuck you both. I’m done with this. If they come back out here, you’re on your own. I’m keeping Charles in my room, so you can’t even call him for help,” Pickles yelled. They looked at each other and shrugged. Pickles walked off again, only barely visible between some of the bigger branches. “Whats now?” Skwisgaar asked. This was turning out to be more fun than he’d expected, even if they were just pissing everyone else off. But what else could be more fun? “Wes could make a runs for it, in a little bits,” Toki said. “Makes sure Nathans and Murderface aren’t comings out here first.” “And goes where, exactlys?” Skwisgaar muttered. He didn’t want to ruin the fun, but the forest just out from the edge of the yard didn’t seem too welcoming a place to spend the night without a tent or anything. Toki smiled. “I has a place. Charles has it builts for me, I shares it with you but you can’ts tell anybody else abouts it.” This was intriguing. “Okays, it ams our secrets. Why you ams not tellings me abouts it before?” Toki shrugged. “You probablys will thinks it ams lame. But I really likes it, so...” Toki was right to think that way, but it still made his chest hurt a little bit to hear it out loud. “I nots makes fun of its. No matters what. I promise.” Toki grinned. “You means it?” Skwisgaar nodded. He really did. Not just because they were dating now, and it felt fucked up to be that mean to a partner (even if Toki was, well, Toki.) Besides, everything so far had been simple but fun—maybe this secret place was more of the same. Toki started down the tree, and Skwisgaar followed. From there he took them down a path into the forest, which was dark and foreboding in a strangely nice way. “Here,” he said finally, stopping in front of a huge oak tree. “I reads about these, when I first gots to America. I didn’ts knows what it was until I looked it up, but I wanted one as soon as I saws it.” It was a tree house, very high up the tree, and enormous for such a structure, extending out into the branches of the trees beside it. He’d never wanted such a thing himself, as a child or an adult, but this one was pretty fucking cool. Toki walked over to the base of the tree and pulled a very long rope ladder from where it was wrapped around a low-hanging branch. “Comes on. Wes pull up the ladders once we ams up there, and thens they can’ts get to us no matters what.” It was surprisingly fun, climbing up after Toki. He would be glad to help keep this place a secret, not just because it was useful to them now to have someplace to hide, but because the whole thing was fun—honest, childish, freeing fun. For a split second, he could hear his mother’s voice, yelling at him for getting dirty climbing up trees. He told it to go fuck off, and immediately felt better. The inside of the tree house was somehow, impossibly high tech (for a tree house, at least.) There was a TV with a DVD and a Blu-ray player, a few video game consoles, and a laptop set up on a small desk with a router by it. How the hell Charles had gotten WiFi and electricity out there, he didn’t know. But he wasn’t going to question a good thing. “Bathrooms ams there,” Toki said, pointing to a small door at one end of the round room. “It ams not great, but ams better than a bucket.” That explained what had looked like a pipe running down one side of the tree, Skwisgaar was suddenly very glad he hadn’t touched it. “Wes got snacks and beer and stuffs in here,” Toki continued, gesturing to a huge cooler up against one part of the wall. “Takes whatever you wants, Charles makes sure there ams always more.” “I can sees why you kepts this secrets,” Skwisgaar said. “It ams really nice up here.” Toki nodded. “I loves it. I nevers has anythings like this whens I was a kid, so I gets to have it now.” He moved to the giant pile of blankets and pillows on the floor, and motioned for Skwisgaar to follow. It was even better than it had looked, it felt like there was some sort of mattress beneath them. With the extra blankets and everything, it didn’t just feel extra comfortable—it felt safe. Toki fanned a few different DVDs out as choices, and looked to Skwisgaar. “Whatevers you wants. Even somethings extra scary.” He was surprised Toki even had any of those out there, but sure enough there was a whole selection of horror movies set by one of the consoles on the floor. Either he was getting braver, or he’d been planning to bring Skwisgaar out there at some point no matter what. He went with Cabin in the Woods—scaryish, but funny enough it might not keep Toki from sleeping. They reclined on whatever the thing on the floor was as the movie played, and he realized it had worked. All of Toki’s silly little ideas, simple and quick, had been fun, fun enough that he’d been able to banish his mother from his head. There was still a strangle tightness in his chest when he let himself think of her, but it didn’t make him want to curl up in a ball anymore. “Thanks you,” he murmured, half-hoping Toki wouldn’t hear and wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. “You ams welcome,” Toki replied, scooting himself over until he was tucked up against Skwisgaar. He let his arm fall around Toki, and relaxed. This was what it was then, how it felt. She was gone, which meant he never had to think about her again if he didn’t want to. She was gone, and she wouldn’t ever be able to bother them or try and ruin this good thing that he had. She was gone, and he finally felt happy about it.

Character Analysis: Keith

[ Shiro ] [ Lance ] [ Hunk ] [ Pidge ] [ Allura ] [ Coran ]

The last of the official paladins, and the last main character introduced on Earth. Some words on everyone’s favorite space changeling.

Official bios state that Keith was orphaned at a young age, but as of season 2, there are a lot of mysteries about his early life. What we do have, is that he was at least old enough to clearly remember his father when that individual left, and use of language in Keith’s dream in s2e9 would tell us that this person would seem to have disappeared, not that he died.

The rest of Keith’s history before the Garrison can be inferred from what is not mentioned, rather than what is- logically as a child without parents or guardians, Keith would be placed in the foster care system. However, he wouldn’t continue to be an orphan if he were simply adopted to a family and stayed there.

Family is something very meaningful to Keith. Seemingly, the closest thing to a familial presence he has right now is the team- mostly Shiro, who he’s had the most experience with. If there were other people at the Garrison that Keith connected with- it would seem that Commander Iverson thought very highly of him- he lost contact with them upon being expelled.

It’s very likely that Keith thus moved around the system fairly frequently. Possibly, moving around the US itself- while Keith’s father has a noticeable southern accent, this is not a trait Keith obviously shares- even though he presumably learned how to speak from his father. This might suggest he’s lived in many places, and over time the accent he might’ve inherited from his father would’ve faded away.

Connect and disconnect

The implications of Keith’s history and his living situation at the beginning of the series point heavily to someone for whom isolation has been a major piece of his life. Not being alone in the sense of bereft of people, but bereft of meaningful connections. And in fact, when Voltron is confronted by the idea of losing one of their number- Pidge threatening to leave the team- it is Keith who is outraged by the very idea, and- considering how he folds in afterwards- very hurt by it.

But not every disappearance is equal to Keith. There’s a very specific context Keith reacts to, and the trial of marmora unabashedly frames this as his greatest fear: 

Keith is afraid of people choosing to leave him. Of no longer wanting him around. And what’s especially noticeable about it is that as much as the idea terrifies him, and as diligent as Keith can otherwise be in the pursuit of his goals- when faced with rejection, Keith is often very resigned in response. He’s terrified of it, he’ll fight it if he thinks that he can- but if that doesn’t work or he doesn’t feel like he can fight the situation in the first place- an ordinarily very driven individual will often just sort of roll over and take it.

This doesn’t just tell us that Keith is afraid of losing people. It tells us that in his experience, he has often been completely helpless to stop people from walking out of his life- to the point that confronted with a novel situation, there’s something of a pall of futility over his responses. That Keith’s first obvious loss (his father) is stated to have happened when he was very young, and may have been preceded by losing his mother even younger, would tell us that this was a very formative context.

Especially because Keith’s memory of his father is an incredibly gentle person- seeming to genuinely care about Keith and want to keep him safe, to the point that during the dream, there is the implication that Keith’s father is trying to personally protect him from the oncoming juggernaut of the Empire. What Keith remembers of his father is soft and reassuring, which suggests that his disappearance was one keenly felt.

The fact that this has repeated throughout Keith’s life is a particular misfortune in that it seems the main explanation Keith believes about why people leave him is that it’s his fault. This is the main difference between when he responds with fury (towards Pidge) and passive surrender (towards Allura)- Pidge’s reason for leaving has nothing to do with Keith and everything to do with finding her family- which she prioritizes over Voltron. Allura’s reason for turning a cold shoulder- a much more subdued reaction- has to do with Keith, specifically, and Keith’s response is basically to fold up into a ball and refuse to engage the subject.

This is also rather painfully illustrated in Ark of Taujeer. While both Keith and Allura prepare to leave the team when they suspect they’re endangering everyone- Allura doesn’t pack her bags. Keith does. Clearly suggesting that unlike Allura, who wants to test if the fleet comes after her and is confident in her ability to escape if it’s true- Keith fully expected to leave the team permanently. He even suggests as much when they’re talking about what they’re going to do if the fleet does come: Keith asks if they could really go back knowing Zarkon is tracking them.

A very likely history of being shuffled from house to house, and losing the chance to have any kind of stable foundation- has left Keith with a deep held idea that if he is a burden on the team they will leave him. As seen in practice, comparing Keith’s vision of Shiro during the trial to how Shiro actually responds- this is not a fear built by the team. It’s a fear that predates them.

The survivalist’s instinct

Another thing that Keith’s unsteady relationship with stability has done is that it has allowed for the cultivation of one of his main virtues as the Red Paladin- the concept of “fly by feel”. Effectively, thrown into any situation, Keith shuts his horizons to a kind of tunnel vision- feet to the ground, goal in front of him- run for it. He is excellent at reacting quickly and staying focused- but, as can be observed by his interactions with Lance in the Balmera, complex strategy is not Keith’s forte in the heat of the moment.

Conversely, in a situation where there are only seconds to spare and you have to respond now or lose everything, Keith excels. This is why, for example, he’s the one to send in if you have to navigate a chaotic asteroid field with hair-trigger reflexes. When he sets his attention on chasing a single goal, he can be very effective at identifying what he needs and pulling it off very specifically, and when in a situation where he does have time to strategize, we can see that he’s actually on par with Lance (creating a diversion to distract the Garrison guards by rigging explosives and detonating them when Lance reached the same conclusion that a distraction was what they’d need to sneak in)

Another, noteworthy side of this is, since Keith has a very do-or-die attitude about how he makes decisions, his solutions tend to not be the most finessed. Or necessarily noble. “We’re facing a bunch of guns and there is no quick way out of this situation but we have a hostage.” He’s inclined to suggesting- and sometimes acting on- what’s the pragmatic approach over what’s the ideal approach. 

What we see from Keith in his shack is that even at his worst, he has what can be summarized as a stubborn determination to keep going, and has cultivated a lot of small skills in general categories (s2e2, Shiro and Keith are at a kind of roughly established campsite with a fire, and considering the extent of Shiro’s injuries at the time, it’s safe to say Keith did the vast majority of that). Living in a shed in the desert without running water was relatively easy for Keith- to the point that he reflects on it as a peaceful, comfortable time.

It tells us that in terms of surroundings, Keith is easy to please- but also that as much as isolation has colored his history, he’s used to being his own line of defense. It’s very easy to mistake Keith as the stereotypical hotshot “lancer” character in an ensemble piece who’s too cool for friendship and teamwork but gets by on natural talent- when in fact Keith welcomes the opportunity to work with people. He’s just overwhelmingly used to being alone- to not having other people he can rely on, and so his reflex is to respond to problems as best as he can on his own.

Effectively- Keith is out of practice with teamwork and having other people around him, and this has been an adjustment for him- though not a joyless one.

Oh god how do I people skills

The other other side to Keith’s personal history of isolation, and I think simply a degree of how Keith is, is that when Keith really opens up to someone, he’s very clumsy about it. Particularly with unexpected intimacy or warm sentiments from other people, he tends to freeze up or get a kind of deer-in-the-headlights look.

On the one hand, this is something he’s been yearning for basically his entire life. We can see that when he’s not caught off-guard by them, such gestures mean the world to him. On the other, when, say, suddenly swiped into a hug by Hunk, as much as Keith enjoys it, his initial response is to go stiff and sort of cautiously joke about it afterwards. 

I think that Keith is very aware that he’s not the best at socializing, and a little defensive about it. He is, sometimes, reluctant to engage for fear of how it will be received- we can see that if he isn’t sure how to proceed with a particularly uncomfortable conversation, as I mentioned before- he tends to fold inwards.

So it creates this very contradictory picture of Keith. At his most comfortable, Keith is sentimental, cares deeply about the people who’ve established to him- a little clingy, even, but someone who can even lighten up and be fun, crack jokes and carry a conversation.

Other times, he can come across very standoffish, partially out of awkwardness, but partially because he’s so used to being in his own space that much of his idea of how to be close to others is to hover in the general area- do whatever you’d do alone, but with other people there. There’s also the fact that Keith is fairly introverted- it’s easy for him to get sucked into and spend a long time caught up in his own thoughts.

(It’s telling that Shiro, who knows Keith the best at this point, has learned to identify Keith being unusually quiet as a sign that it’s time to check on him)

At the same time, Keith is smart. He’s not oblivious. He knows that it’s hard for him to get nuances of socialization- that he really hasn’t had a lot of friends in his time and it’s very obvious, and that despite having quite a sense of his own sarcasm he can miss others’ inflections, and that furthers, I think, a kind of defensive attitude. Rejection is a very sensitive topic to Keith and a bit like Pidge, he’s kind of shored up his defenses against the idea even when it isn’t exactly forthcoming.

Hidden sides

Both of the arm pilots arguably have a relationship with hiding. With Pidge, it’s a matter of deliberate obfuscation- she will use her own illusions, consciously and actively, to penetrate others. You can’t hide anything from her, but she can hide from you.

What’s interesting about Keith is that there’s a lot of hidden things for Keith- but these things are hidden from him about himself.

It’s made very clear in s1e1, and seems to be at play again in s1e10, that Keith is personally tuned into some kind of esoteric awareness that the rest of the team does not have. He was able to know Shiro was coming before the pod arrived, and during his year in the desert, he was “called” to the location of the Blue Lion. We also actively see him intuit the location of Red.

However... when Keith tries to explain what he’s found, what he knows, which has yielded a lot of accurate information, one of the first things he can say about something he’s clearly sunk a huge amount of effort into trying to understand is “I can’t explain it, really.”

Keith and Pidge both, to a degree, have a narrative about looking for family, and looking for answers. But unlike Pidge, who’s so certain of herself and her tools, Keith doesn’t really know what his tools are. He doesn’t even know what questions to ask. All he has is this powerful, insistent sense something is out there or going to happen.

And part of this is the other lasting effect of Keith’s separation from his own history- the part that doesn’t really have anything to do with isolation. It’s that Keith is missing huge pieces of context integral to understanding who he is.

Weapons in the series are used, heavily, to inform about the character. The bayard literally takes a shape tailored to the wielder. And the most tangible piece of Keith’s history that he has, besides himself- is a weapon that until very recently has been dormant, not in its true form- and even that dormant form has its main identifying mark hidden from view.

This is a reflection of Keith’s relationship with himself. On the one hand- his pragmatism has made him utilize everything he has with him, because nothing else will be forthcoming. He knows it’s there- it always has been. But he doesn’t understand it, and that context is holding him back from his potential. He can be more, and do more- but only with an understanding that he’s been cheated of.

And this, I think, reflects one of Keith’s struggles. Because the arm pilots are both the side of Voltron that engages with the world- the active, information-gathering. But Pidge’s tools are specific, external, and unbiased in every regard except what direction she points them in and how she sets her net.

Keith’s are all internal, nebulous, and incredibly undefined, to the point that Keith doesn’t realize they’re there or know to utilize them. If he could reliably tap into the same source that let him know Shiro was headed towards Earth, then team Voltron could find Shiro now. If he doesn’t need specific contact with that individual, he might even be able to help Pidge find the Holts. This is a tremendous potential resource.

But he’s held back, because no one has been there to explain this to him. Because Keith, arguably- is still in the state of the wrapped-up knife. He doesn’t know his true form and true potential. Hints of it maybe. 

Stability and loyalty

Another point of similarity between Keith and Pidge is that they are not driven by purely academic pursuits. For both of them, their real driving quest is comfort. Pidge’s family has been the center of her world, and she wants that back. Keith- arguably has never really had a stable center bigger than himself. Even Shiro, seemingly one of the most powerful stabilizing presences in Keith’s life since the loss of his father (since those are the two figures the trial picks to challenge him)- Shiro’s presence has been inconsistent by no fault of his own.

(thanks, Galra empire)

So at present- I think that Keith is very conflicted. On the one hand, part of him really wants to hope that Voltron is an enduring thing. That maybe he’s finally got somewhere to think of as home, something like a family. And on the other hand- that’s terrifying, because they’re in the middle of a war zone and an entire intergalactic space empire and the gaping unknowns in his own history seem to be actively trying to tear that away from him.

This incredibly conflicting sentiment can lead to some even more contradictory behavior out of Keith- how he’s the one who didn’t want to go after Allura, but also was the one who personally bull-rushed Zarkon to try and protect the rest of the team and repeatedly refused to listen to Coran telling him how outmatched he was.

I’ve talked before about Zarkon’s comment that Keith “fights like a galra”, especially considering s2e6 and Morvok’s men who resolutely set themselves to die for the cause and are executed by the imperfect Blazing Sword.

Zarkon isn’t praising Keith for being vicious, he’s praising the fact that to a degree- Keith is committing to being a sacrifice. It doesn’t matter if he’s safe, it doesn’t matter if he has no chance of beating Zarkon- what matters is that as long as they’re fighting Zarkon can’t get to the downed Black Lion.

Keith is also, as people have pointed out, the one person who insistently repeats that the Black Bayard is Shiro’s every time he brings it up. And that solo brawl between him and Zarkon is a much louder declaration of that- you have no business going anywhere near the Black Lion.

As rocky as it is for Keith to connect with people, once he does, he is nothing if not incredibly tenacious on that person’s behalf.

Prodigy or problem

Interestingly, despite how much Keith is talked up as the best pilot of the class, I’ve mentioned his prodigy status very little here. While I think it does affect him to some degree...

Mostly, he knows he’s smart, but at the same time is confronted with knowing that some things (such as socialization) that others consider “obvious” are completely in the dark to him, and he’s kind of defensive about that

...to a large degree I don’t know if Keith really registers himself as someone who is talented in the way that Shiro and Pidge do- with high expectations being a strong element of their background. Because again, with Keith’s history of being often shuffled around, it’s very likely that rather than “prodigy, full of potential” what he’s been most likely getting is “problem child, probably not going to amount to much”

Keith is not especially temperamental- but his desire to cut to a working solution as quickly as possible, combined with a general difficulty expressing himself, means that his frustrations are usually not answered. What basically boils down to a moderately short temper is exacerbated by a stormy internal landscape and a tendency to be stewing in one uncomfortable thought or another.

Basically, Keith seems super explosive, but overwhelmingly, this is an artificially induced state and is usually a testament to the fact that if something is bothering him, he will almost never speak up about it directly on his own. (Because he’s very scared of being “too needy” and alienating people). But it’s very likely, in a context where people have rarely been in touch with him for a long period of time, that Keith comes across as an emotional hurricane.

Effectively, Keith’s is a fire that tends to smolder in the underbrush a long time before it ever burns the forest down- and in the past, it seems like Shiro was the main person to actually check under the surface and see what’s burning in the depths.

But the image Keith has most likely internalized of himself is not the awesome pilot that Lance and Iverson both seem to look to him as- but the “discipline issue”. And that builds another level of frustration, because if he explodes, he’s just proving everyone right, and he seems to disappoint people a lot from his perspective. Even the awareness that he is talented, that he does have things to be good at- those high expectations that Pidge and Shiro have both matched most of their lives would seem very out of reach for Keith, much more so after he lost Shiro and then was expelled from the Garrison, probably the only people that have ever told him that.

Because when confronted with the idea that someone was jealous of him, Keith’s response is pretty much utter bafflement. And when Keith and Lance are actually interacting in close quarters- Keith picks up the rivalry in about as much earnestness as Lance does, which would suggest that Keith might well see Lance as someone to be jealous of just as much as Lance envies Keith.

And why wouldn’t he? People like Lance. Lance is the person who plants himself in the middle of social environments and makes five friends in the time Keith is still sort of hovering hopefully in someone’s general vicinity. Lance, who has a huge family and a really clear idea of home as a specific place and people to come back to.

This, I think, is a very significant angle to Keith realizing he has galra heritage that is often not explored- is the idea that this is not a transformation narrative, it’s a narrative of self-discovery. It’s Keith putting a name to a problem he’s already been dealing with, and this fits with what I said before- that when Allura was angry with him, Keith’s whole reaction suggested that he felt like he deserved it.

Because the revelation that Keith has alien heritage and history basically would just cement a lot of Keith’s fears all along. That maybe the reason why he’s never had a good lasting connection is because he doesn’t even belong here, because he’s fundamentally unlike the people around him- and that difference carries with it a very bad impression. As much as the series is showing us a more multifaceted view of the galra as a species, their first and strongest impression is Zarkon and his empire.

This is why Keith hasn’t immediately jumped on the chance for those answers Kolivan promised if he succeeded the trial- is so far, the first one that’s come forwards has offered him no reassurance or comfort. 

No Subterfuge At All

It’s worth mentioning, as much as I talked about how Keith and Pidge are similar, that in contrast to Pidge who was able to fabricate her own identity, Keith is a bad liar.

Keith is an awful liar.

Thematically this ties very much into the fact that Keith has an incredibly intuitive sense of truth. When his channels are open he can just know something is going to happen or that something is important. But this relationship is so visceral, and he has no real sense of knowing how people hide something- that basically the only way Keith can hide something is if he actively and entirely removes himself from a situation, or just manages to avoid anyone asking about it.

Because as soon as someone does... well, look at how fast Allura was able to unravel why he was around the pods in s2e6.

That scene in particular actually shows us entirely outside of not having a poker face, Keith is someone who if he is trying to bluff about something he will in fact progressively shoot himself in the foot the longer he’s still talking.

In summary

Having been isolated most of his life, Keith is deeply insecure of, but also needy about interpersonal relationships. He’s very introverted, which can make him self-sufficient, but it also can cause him to stew over time in worries or doubts until something sets that off. Unlike Shiro and Pidge, he likely does not see himself nearly so much as promising or a prodigy.

Much of Keith’s sense of self is on shaky ground or underdeveloped due to being bereft of huge pieces of information about himself and how he operates.

Why did you choose those specific zodiacs for the characters?:O

Sorry this took so long to respond to, but exams and finals have really been beating the literal shit out of me! I’m still glad you asked anon because I have lots of thoughts on this! Here’s the post anon is referring to in case anyone wants to see who is who.

Dallas: I don’t have too much to say since he’s already a Taurus, naturally I do see him more as a Pisces. Pisces tend to be the more gentle and compassionate of the signs and also tend to be more fearful in general as they are sensitive. They have a self sacrificing nature so that others will love them and not leave them and sometimes they become overly emotional when unable to cope with certain situations (i.e. Dallas being mad about Malek leaving to go to college even though he knows its irrational, but then not bringing it up because he’s self sacrificing his feelings to not make Malek upset).

Malek: If Malek isn’t a Gemini I don’t know who is. Like, this boy is a social butterfly which most Gemini’s naturally are and people are drawn to him. More often than not, people are attracted to his duality of a personality which enables him to be both intellectual (bitch wants to major in Bio-Chem and something else like double majoring and in such INTENSE fields???? He’s a fucking GENIUS) and creative/artistic (uhm??? he can sing and play three fucking instruments and even draws a little like??) which tends to be a trait of the twins. He’s well-spoken (boi speaks 3 languages and knows ASL come on now) and is funny/witty which is another trait people tend to like him for and is what makes Gemini’s more sociable. However, a downfall to the Gemini’s vast thinking is the persons indecisiveness. Malek can’t even decide at first if he really likes Dallas or is just pitying him and then when the feelings get stronger he can’t decide to tell him or how to act and it creates lots of conflict and doubt. Gemini’s don’t always have the easiest relationships because of their indecisiveness which leads to nervousness and I think is reflected a lot in Malek’s feelings for Dallas.

 Poppy: I know a lot of people kind of associate bad feelings with Scorpio’s, I actually think Poppy represents a lot of the good qualities neglected by other people that Scorpios have! Poppy is loyal to death and is very secretive in all the right ways (she literally is seeing both of her very close friends pinning over one another but shes too loyal to disclose the others secret even if something good could come out of it). She’s a strong and powerful force to be reckoned with which is why I think a majority of the baseball team respects her. However, sometimes her overwhelming passion and power are what can cause her to get confrontational (I know Poppy and Dallas have had a few hashing outs that were ugly and this makes sense for the two signs as Poppy can get jealous and resentful while Dallas can be sensitive and overemotional which can make the signs clash occasionally). At the end of the day though, Poppy really just has an overly protective and passionate heart and like most Scorpios, just really freaking wants some love. 

Parker: I thought Parker might be a Taurus, but after reading about all the signs I really found him to be a Libra. Libra’s are naturally the peace keepers of the group and have an affinity for beauty and harmony. Maybe Parker doesn’t actually go out of his way to make peace, but his common neutrality towards situations (literally one post I remember is he’s just like “I love both cats and dogs can we all get along” when discussing who was a cat or dog person I think? it really solidified this idea) and choosing to recognize both sides helps everyone feel balanced and maybe even wanna get along even if it’s just for his sake (not that they all fight or anything that frequently?). Parker’s absolute adoration for nature and hiking and the outside makes sense with the Libra sign as they have a thing for peace and beauty which can both be seen in nature through Parker’s eyes. Also, his general charming sweet nature can totally be seen by everyone (uhm let us not forget how Shook Tyler was when Parker gave him the honey lemony thing with ease bc Parker is a sweetheart and even though he’s shy, he can lowkey be a charmer without knowing it). His downfalls are seen in the Libra sign as he’s prone to being able to see both sides to any situation, but this can leave him feeling voiceless as sometimes people have a black and white way of thinking. He often retreats and gives up when conflict arises and lets others voice over him, rather than actually giving his peacemaking opinions. I believe he’s also got a strong empathetic nature which can be a downfall when it leads him to being manipulated or guilted into believing things very easily. 

Ben: Hmm Ben was harder as I don’t have too much information on my boi yet, but I found him to be like a Sagittarius because of his good humor and natural friendliness. Everyone likes him and everyones his friend because we’re all attracted to his humorous nature and positive outlook on most situations, however, I think maybe this is what can cause him to repress lots of his feelings. His willingness to be positive for others and neglect his personal needs can cause him to ignore his own feelings to make sure he isn’t bringing anyone down? I’m not sure, I’d have to know more and so this is my guess, but if this is it then he’s likely a Sagittarius as they often forget to tend to their own needs when trying to be sunshine for everyone else and never wanting to lose the positivity their friends/family bring them.

Blake: Aside from Malek’s, I think Blake’s was the easiest sign to critically evaluate and put out there because he’s so OBVIOUSLY a freaking Cancer. Those under the Cancer sign are absolute softies and are so freaking lovable, but sadly, you can only see this side of the sign if you get close enough to break through their hard, grumpy outer layer. More often than not, Cancer’s have a hard time expressing their real emotions and this can partially explain Blake’s “I hate everyone” personality because it’s so much easier to pretend he hates everyone else when really he just can’t talk about how much he hates himself. This can also help explain Blake having negative feelings towards Dallas because Dallas is more sensitive and isn’t quite on the same level of hiding emotions as Blake is and how Blake might see it as is, here is this kid who’s open (somewhat) about his feelings which is pathetic and is loved more than he is meanwhile Blake’s putting all his emotions and feelings in the closet to not burden those around him and he’s regarded as an asshole. Another downfall of the Cancer sign that Blake has is his clinginess because afterall, once he finds someone he can actually open up to, it’s hard for him to ever want to let go of the one person that brings that out of him. This can really make him look like a needy, grumpy jerk, but honestly this boi just wants some love and relief my guys. Just some more little things, Cancer signs are so imaginative and loving/protective and this can be seen in his love for theater and literature, and his way of treating those he’s especially close close to.

Tyler: Lmao lowkey made Tyler a Taurus because it’s got a very nice compatibility with the Cancer sign and I’m Gay™, but also not the only reason. The Taurus sign is a stubborn one, much like the Bull that represents it. This can be both good and bad as he’s stubborn when it comes to arguing and fighting, but this can be great when the person of the sign is on your side of things as they are fiercely loyal and willing to be patient with those willing to try and he’s very reliable. This is kinda shown in Tyler’s friendship (hhMMMM 👀) with Blake as he stubbornly cares about Blake despite his negative tendencies and stays loyally by his side. This somewhat leads to Tyler enabling Blake as once said in a post, but Tyler can’t help it under the Taurus sign because once he’s become attached he’ll do whatever he can to make his partner happy (even if it’s not always by the best means). This can lead to some self sacrificing which the Taurus sign will happily do (only if they want to though, never by force they are too stubborn for that) and kinda explains why Tyler enables Blake despite his better opinion and sacrifices being batter so that Blake can. Much like the Taurus sign he craves stability and some kind of routine, but also too much can be boring.

Phoebus: Okay don’t judge me for this but essentially, my first reasoning for making Phoebus an Aries was because I saw this pun about Aries signs that always “ram” through their problems LOL and it led me to just think this is how Phoebus battled through his osteosarcoma. Literally just slammed his head at test results in doctors offices until they changed to healthier ones. Aside from that idiotic note, Phoebus is witty and confident much like the Aries sign which is what causes him to clash with Malek when he acts all foolhardy and shit. If Malek and him could stop being so competitive, you’d actually find they’d be pretty compatible friends (or lovers???). He’s energetic and full of an adventurous attitude which will likely lead our poor mans in trouble. RIP

Dev: I don’t really know, in a lot of ways Dev just kinda reminds me of Malek and this leads me to connect them as Gemini bros. Dev is charismatic and a social butterfly and those are some high characteristics of the Gemini sign since they’re supposed to be the best communicators. 

Noah: I solely made Noah a Leo because Leo’s tend to have an almost pretentious nature around them as they tend to think highly of themselves (not all Leo’s, lmao not here to offend anyone!) and having the upbringing Noah does it only makes sense. He’s not afraid to speak his mind which is both beneficial (he helped our eggman the greg man when he stood up to his father) and negative (I wouldn’t say he probably hasn’t offended a ton of people in his time). A positive though is he’s clearly “creative” much like the Leo sign with his making movies and stuff.

Paulina: We really know nothing about Paulina yet, all we know is she is absolutely stunning and has the purest smile. I really just want her to be a sensitive Pisces because they can be the most caring and endearing sign of all and if I get to see that smile forever because she is constantly being a sweetheart than I will die accepting her as a Pisces taking it to the grave.

Charlie: We also don’t know a lot about Charlie, but since she is the team manager I put her as a Sagittarius under the assumption that she can at least be somewhat disciplined and is really good at organizing and being productive. I assume she is ambitious and maybe in my minds eye I like to imagine her as a sweet ol’ grouchy pants so pessimism is her Thing™

Sara: I’m all for loud and proud shameless lesbians so I was reading up on Virgo’s and the word comes from the word Virgin which by original definition meant ‘beholden to no man’ so my gay ass starts kicking and I am like, yes yes Sara is a Virgo die hard lesbian who will never bow down to the cis white man! But aside from that nonsense, Virgo’s tend to be independent creatures and this is a vibe I get from my girl Sara, she probably keeps lots of things unsaid about herself whether from shyness or past drama or both. However, she’s not so independent that she is uncaring or unloving and she likely tends to fret over the others wellbeing when they act foolish or put themselves at risk (i.e. my girl Sara will take a baseball to the face for Poppy 2k17 its time to ride or die bitch theres no going back)

Ari: Maybe I’m just biased towards Capricorns but I just see them as the grouchy “i love you now shut the fuck up” types and this is what I get from Ari. Much like other Capricorns, it’s difficult for Ari to express their feelings ESPECIALLY ones of affection (Ari “I’m allergic to loving expression pls don’t ever smile that fondly at me again I might vomit” Florenosos). Instead, due to the hiccup in miscommunication, they tend to relay their feelings using other likely troubling means (i.e. Ari bullying Phoebus to show affection lmao same). 

Wendy: Honestly Wendy’s feminist ride or die attitude is what led me to Aquarius because this sign tends to be the humanitarian of the signs and strive for equality in all aspects of life. She freaking defaced school property to prove a point my guys she’s a freaking Aquarius like only the Aquarius sign goes that hard and to such lengths to make sure their voice is heard.

Greg: Gregman the Eggman is a Virgo because he’s hella shy and independent. Boy can’t speak for himself for shit but often makes sure to look out for others (i.e. making sure Noah doesn’t do dumb shit and protecting the five foot weasel even though he can’t communicate the problematic things said weasel does). He’s practical and analytical and this often is what leads others to dismiss him as boring because he’s too shy to show any other side of himself or his interests. All in all, the eggman needs better friends and to erupt from his yolk filled shell.

Welp that’s pretty much all I got. I could literally be on the ball or so far from the truth that Bell is literally laughing their ass off at my poor attempt at analyzing these characters. NEVERTHELESS, I tried and here you go. Go read eerie crests here and thank/support the precious author and artist @littlestpersimmon for the content we get

journal day 61

it’s been the longest since my last journal, mostly because i’ve been putting it off and then staying up late and getting up early, so i’m tired at the end of the day.

there’s a lot of shit to go through though, so here we go.

matt: i spent the day with him last weekend and it helped with the confusion. mostly. there’s always gonna be the stupid doubts and what ifs and hypotheticals, i can’t help it, i just have to learn to deal with it and remind myself that the truth is, we could never be a thing, and i see him as one of my brother’s and he annoys me like one too. he’s a great friend too, and is ever so supportive, even though it may feel harsh sometimes truth hurts. though there is still a minor fear that he may just cut me out of his life one day because i’m too stubborn, but i guess we just enjoy what we have, enjoy our friendship for now. as much as i’m scared to continue trusting him because i’m high key worried that he’ll end things trust issues for days i have found that he is ever so easy to confide in and talk to.

i guess now i can go into the trust issues: i have lost so much each time my life has changed, and with all the change going on now, i can’t help but have trouble trusting people. like i know that i can trust the people in my life to stay in my life at least through college, and maybe after too? but all i can think of is that eventually i’m going to lose them and i get scared because all i’ve ever done is lost friends throughout my life. and for once, i think i actually want to lose a friendship, like with chloe, things are weird. they feel forced from my side, like i have to force myself to be happy for her and i don’t know why. i think it’s partially because i’m so used to not having friends “carry over” but at the same time, we have survived the colusa to woodland affair. it could be partially that, but so much more of it is because of the shit that happened last quarter. like yeah, sure, she apologized, but there’s so much more and i didn’t really tell her the full extent of my frustrations. and i don’t know how to. i have never really felt comfortable confronting people, but somehow, i feel more comfortable confronting matt or jon with my true honesty, matt a bit more than jon (but maybe that’s because i’ve literally trusted him with everything so it’s easier with him, but if we’re being totally honest, i’m getting to that point with jon too). 

there’s also the frustrations with the family being here now. my dad was a pain in my ass being super passive aggressive about anything and everything and then acting like he actually cared for me right before leaving and then both of them confronting me about how i need to be more religious and need to learn to love God or else and my mum throwing shade every five minutes and our relationship feeling forced sometimes and how my siblings drive me crazy when combined with bella and how damian is so against anyone being gay and how i could never come out as bi to them because they’d disown me so fast and how i wish damian would grow the fuck up and realise that there’s nothing wrong with being gay at all. i’ve never felt more uncomfortable around him, and i always thought that he was the easiest to deal with, but i guess now it’s annabelle because she’s not obviously against gays yet. it’s fun being the most progressive in your family. like explaining to your uncle about latinx vs. latino and how now in seminars and in college people ask for preferred pronouns but that i couldn’t really explain why because homophobic damian was there and would go nuts about nonbinary and trans, and i don’t want to explain it with any bias that could sway the girls either. it’s really frustrating and i don’t know how to deal with it at all.

and i cannot wait until i get to see my friends because i am literally dying inside being around only little children, and i can tell that even ceci is a bit bothered. they are so loud and clingy and just annoying sometimes. and i know they mean well, but i’ve been tired lately and putting up with them is so hard, especially since i haven’t had to for a long time. but of course, like during spring break, if i say anything, then my mum will be all they just miss you and you have to put up with it because they’re your siblings and you don’t see them and vise versa but the problem here is that i need some space and i can’t have these children constantly running around crazy around me.

oh and there was the thing were my mum was saying that ceci was kinda like the mum to bella when they were growing up and kinda still is and it took every ounce of me to keep from saying, well, yeah, same here, and i still am. like sure, not the same way, but there’s shit i’ve dealt with that you couldn’t do and i was only twelve years old. trust me, i’ve been the mom in the house for a long time too. they listen to me just about as much as they listen to you.

oh i cannot stand my dad and the shit he pulls. i thought he just was really frustrated with my brother and kinda brushed it off as situational, but this past year has really cemented into my head that he is the most childish and immature adult who has no ability to deal with feelings, and no wonder i’m so good at suppressing my feelings. there’s no way that i’ll be able to be comfortable at “home” much longer and i never want to live there anymore. it’s honestly a huge lie when i call it home, because uci is my home and so are the people there and i cannot go back north ever. i would hate to end up near there for med because that would be horrible because i’d end up living with them again and we all know i will literally die if that happens. i should get married before i ever end up going north because then i’d have a reason to not live with them, because i have a partner who can help to pay for a place to rent until we move for residency. 

i’ve needed this journal for so long because it’s been so long and i’m surprised that i didn’t cry while writing this because i’m so damn tired and this was a lot of emotions and shit that i’ve been holding in and hiding though i did talk with both matt and jon about some of this so it hasn’t been fully suppressed the whole time, just partially but i am tired, and even though i feel like there’s something that i’m forgetting to write about, i am going to end this for now. at least i got the chance to journal today, though who knows when i’ll next get the chance and remember and have the energy to journal again. 

until next time.