I have my AP exam tomorrow at noon and I'm still having issues with my writing hand...

Send prayers/good luck/best wishes/etc or send help -

Loving you is not easy, my dear

Pairing: Steve Rogers x desi!reader

Summary: America thinks Steve Rogers can do better and maybe, they are right.

Warning: heavy racism(seriously, I'm not using this word lightly), angst, hurt/comfort, trolling, protective!Steve, reader gets her revenge on the racist bastards 😈

A/n: posting after so long. Already know traction is going to be shit but I'd really appreciate if you reblog this. I'll try to keep it short(I failed💀)

Tags: @sunshine-on-my-mind @slutty-daddy-pedro

This wasn't supposed to happen.

You weren't ready to get dragged through the mud just yet.

You and Steve have been dating for a year. You were a regular software engineer. Wandering around on the internet, to help fellow programmers with their problems. Little did you know, that none other than Tony Stark was there for help under the disguise of 'toiletdistroyer'; frankly, you should have known by this username, but oh well.

So, you caught the billionaires eye and he offered you a job on the spot. And of course, you took it, much to your parents dismay and happiness. With tears filled in your eyes and aachar, parathe stuffed in your tiffin. Of you went to America.

You didn't meet the captain for a good month and honestly, even if you had. You wouldn't have given two fucks about him since you were stressed to the brim with work and moving in.

You slowly met every avenger. Tony was the first, of course. Then it was Bruce Wayne Banner as you worked on the technical part of a bio-tech project he was developing. He was good but was shy and mostly kept to himself. Afterwards followed, Natasha, she was sassy and perfect. You liked talking to her about girl shit and somehow, she took a liking to your weird ass and you befriended black widow.

Next up, was his best friend. Bucky. He caught you wandering outside the stark building because you came too early and so he joined you and the birds chirping. He was cute and funny, but not your type. Thankfully, he wasn't interested and quickly friend zoned him.

Then you met him.

You whistled as you sauntered into the lobby. Clocking out early from your shift and cherry on top, it was Friday. You were going to have a fun weekend. Talking with your parents, watching kdrama and being gleefully single.

Your whistle was disturbed by something squashy yet hard coming underneath your foot. You retreated your foot and glanced down with furrowed brows. It was a brown leather wallet. With a sigh, you bent down and picked up the lost wallet.

You opened the wallet to see the identity of the abandoned wallet's owner and your eyebrows disappeared into you hairline as the stupidly handsome face of the captain appeared in front of you. He must have dropped it in a hurry.

Your eyes darted around as you bit your bottom lip. The sane thing to do would be to go to the reception, hand her the wallet and go your merry way. But he might still be around and also, the receptionist looked too bitchy for you to deal with. So you went for the less sane option, of course.

You took a deep breath and glanced up at the ceiling. "Hey, Friday. Is Captain Rogers still in the compound?"

"Yes, miss. Shona. Captain Rogers is in the parking lot." The robotic voice of Friday said from above.

"Thank you, Friday." You said and deeply sighed. Yes, you could do it. No need to be nervous. What if he's Captain America? You ain't a criminal. With that peep talk, you rushed to the parking lot.

You almost tripped while trying to find Steve in the parking lot but in the end, you found him. He was swinging his leg to climb on his bike when you shouted to get his attention.

"Captain Rogers! Captain Rogers!" The man stopped mid-way, setting his foot back on the ground as he turned around and you almost died at the sight of him. He was wearing blue jeans, white T-shirt and blue jacket, making his sapphire eyes pop as some blonde hair strands falling over his forehead. Oh, girl. Get a grip on yourself!

He was startled by your incessant shouting as he looked at you with his doe yet alert eyes. "Yes, miss. How can I help you?" He asked, ever the gentleman and you internally sighed in relief that he didn't call you ma'am.

You waved his wallet and said. "Your wallet. I think you dropped in the lobby."

His eyes widened as he patted his pockets and a sheepish look appeared on his face. "Ah, I think I really dropped it. Sorry." He said and walked up to you.

You gave him his wallet with a smile and bit your lip when your hands touched. Fuck, were you on your pms?

You peered at him through your lashes as he checked the insides of the wallet and promptly shoved it in his jeans back pocket.

He glanced at you and with a shy smile, said. "Thank you, miss."

"Oh, no problem. You can call me shona." You didn't know what divine energy of confidence came over you as you extended your hand for Steve to shake.

Steve looked at you funnily but shook your hand nonetheless. "That's not your real name, is it?" He asked timidly after the handshake, his touch lingering on your hand as you unwittingly savoured the feeling.

You beamed at him and shook your head. "Nope."

"Then, what is it?"

You told him your name and the smile on his dashing face faded away as he looked down. You could not blame him, most people had the same reaction and that was why you gave your nickname, not actual name.

"I'll probably butcher that." He muttered sadly as he scratched the back of his neck.

You chuckled and waved off his concerns. "It's alright. Most people can't say my name. Only few special people have made it into a special group who can pronounce it outside India." And it was true. Only few people were able to say your name without getting their tongue twisted, including Natasha.

Steve raised an eyebrow. He bent down, close to your face and whispered, in a husky voice. "And what are the requirements?"

You hummed as you pretend to think with your finger on your chin and said, dramatically. "A lot of dedication and practice."

Now it was his turned to be amused as he leaned even closer and asked. "And what will I get if I get into this special club?"

You were caught off guard as you spluttered out. "Um, what do you want?" And you also had kdramas to binge for fuck sake.

"A dinner sounds good." He said with a lopsided grin.

You gave him a thumbs up and said. "Perfect! Now I need to go. I have a weekend to enjoy, bye." You said and rushed out without a second thought or glance at Steve.

When you sat down in the metro was the time when your dumb mind actually processed his words and you froze In your seat. Wait! Did he just ask you on a date?

He did, in fact, ask you on a date.

After he learned to say your name. You two went on a date and you knew you were doomed. Those blue eyes had effectively captured your heart as you slowly fell for him.

And who won't? He was so soft, affectionate, caring, supportive. He was perfect. You didn't know what he saw in you. You were so... Regular.

But whenever you would say this to him. He would look at you all offended and ask why not? You were beautiful, intelligent and his sunshine. And you melted everytime he said that.

You told your parents and you had to make your mother take an oath that she won't say anything about your relationship to any of your relatives as she just couldn't stop giggling. Thankfully, she kept her oath.

You also officially got introduced to the avengers. Bucky and Natasha already knew about it and everyone was happy for you and Steve. Yeah, Tony did throw a tantrum about how he didn't figure out your budding romance and how Rogers whisked you away from under his nose. His words, not yours. And he also earned a slap to the chest by Pepper for that.

You both decided to keep your relationship private. Steve did not want to make a circus of his relationship in the media and you also wanted to lay low. You wanted to take the Katrina Kaif route, one day you're single and the next day, poof! You are married.

But the Cosmos had another plan.

You didn't know who it was, a reporter or a fan. But someone captured you and Steve in a not so platonic way. You were sitting on his bike, one hand occupied with an ice cream and the other, draped over his board shoulder. He was holding you by the waist as you both kissed. Ice cream long forgotten as you both were smiling into the kiss. But someone had posted it on social media and overnight your very private relationship was in front of the entire world to judge ans comment about.

You woke up to a cold bed and your phone exploded with texts and calls, ranging from judgmental relatives to your friends from India and America to the entire avengers team.

You furrowed your brows at the slew of messages and calls and decided to call Steve but instead his phone blared in your shared room, making you sigh. What the fuck was going on?

You scrolled through your contacts and paused when Natasha's name appeared. You hovered over her number hesitantly before calling her. Just after two rings, she answered.

"Hello, Natasha. What is going on and where is Steve?" You asked her in a sleepy voice and scratched your head.

On the other side of the line, Natasha sucked in a sharp breath and replied with unusual franticness. "Shona, somebody leaked a photo of you two and now the world knows that you both are in a relationship. Steve's in the living room, come here quickly and don't open your social media!" Natasha cautioned.

"Wha-" You didn't even get a chance to comprehend her words before she hang up the call. You glance at your phone incredulously. You sat up straight when your brain finally processed the given information. Your relationship was public. Your Katrina Kaif moment was ruined even before it materialised, ugh! So unfair.

And telling you not to open your social medias? It was like telling a child not to eat the candies from the jar. You bit your lip and opened the hellhole called twitter. And the number one trending hastag was:

#CaptainAmericaisdatingwho?

You tapped on the hastag and was instantly greeted by the picture of you and Steve. Your eyes widened as you took in the picture, whoever clicked it had good photography skills as you looked decent in it. You scrolled down and made a decision you would later come to regret, started reading the reactions of the people.

He is dating an Indian? Why? Did he not find any good girl in here? Insane.

If they have a child, what would be their skin color?

She probably put him under a spell or something.

Wait! She works for Stark, meaning this is a work-place relationship. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

Captain America is taken😭😭😭 why God! Now I need to find someone else to obsess over😭😭😭

Look how she's eating. Like, get some manners girl! 👇

You looked down to the image attached. You were eating rice with your hand and winking at the camera, granted it wasn't the neatest sight but eating food with hands made it taster(yeah, fight me on it!).

That was it, you could not take it anymore. You burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter as you giggled at the comments, doubling down in your bed.

Tears gathered in your eyes as you laughed your ass off on these racists misery. You knew damn well that you would face some form of racism whether you dated Steve or not and it was funny to see them whine like anyone gave a shit.

You scrolled some more laughing at the whiny racist and the memes people made along the way. However, one comment caught your attention as you halted to read it.

Why isn't Steve dating her?

You looked down at the photo and your heart dropped, all your happiness fading away. You stared at the woman's photo for what felt like ages as you observed her porcelain skin, her blonde hair and her perfect figure. She was the epitome of an American woman.

You looked at Sharon's perfect face and could not help but echo the poster's thought. Yeah, why wasn't he dating Sharon? Why was he dating you? A regular girl while he was captain fucking America! He could have anyone he wanted. A model, an actor anyone he wanted and he wanted you? Why?

Much to your detriment, you scroll past it and onto the next comment which said:

So, she's the ugly one in the relationship 🙈🙈🙈

The comment plunged into your soul like a rusted dagger as your breathing becomes a shallow pounding in your ears. You glanced forward, where the full length mirror was sitting and stared at your reflection with critical gaze.

You brought a hand to your face, it was so dull. Your eyes had dark circles and were puffy. Your lips weren't plump enough. Your eyes weren't big enough. Your body wasn't curvy enough. You only had brains. No, you didn't! You weren't special, anyone could do your job with enough practice. You were nothing out of the ordinary.

You were snapped out of your destructive thoughts as your phone was snatched out of your grip. You whipped your eyes to the perpetrator and a very furious Natasha glared back at you.

"What did I tell you about not checking your social media?" Natasha asked, enraged as she waved your phone in her hands.

You didn't want Natasha to be proven right so you scoffed and replied. "Telling someone not to do something will only make them do it more. Haven't you heard of reverse psychology, agent?" You snarked and Natasha shook her head in displeasure.

"You coming with me?" Natasha asked.

You paused to think and then shook your head. "Let me shower first. I feel dirty and sleepy."

Natasha nodded thoughtfully and said. "Okay, I'll stay here."

You whined in protest but quickly shut up after receiving a steely glare fron the black widow which would make even the toughest villians pee their pants. You showered, taking extra long as you got distracted by your thoughts yet again. And made your way to the living room with Natasha in toe.

And you heard it before you saw it. The annoying voice of one of the most famous conservative journalist as he said that Steve Rogers could do much better, that this relationship wasn't going to last and that he wished it won't last long.

The last part made your stomach churn in uncertainty.

The pattering of footsteps alerted the other avengers of your arrival. Tony and Steve were standing next to each other as they talked in hushed yet aggressive tone.

Tony looked annoyed than ever as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. While, Steve? Steve looked like just one poke and he would snap. His jaw was clenched, his eyes were ablaze as he stood taut.

Both of the man's gaze snapped towards you as Steve's face softened and he rushed towards you, blocking your view to the TV as Tony hastily turned it off.

"You finally done sleeping, sleepy head?" Steve asked affectionately as he caressed you cheek.

You hummed absentmindedly and forced a smile on your face. "Slept like a baby." You said and the air was so thick with tension that it was strangling you more than your own mind as no one dared to talk about the elephant in the room.

Eventually, Steve cleared his throat and said in a whisper. "You already know what happened but don't worry, I'm with you." And pulled you into his embrace. Yes, why are you with me, Steve? What do you like in having to deal with all this drama when you could date any white woman and keep the peace?

You tried to reciprocate his hug but it was a half hearted attempt as you were fixated onto something else.

"Yeah, don't do anything stupid." Sam said when you and Steve parted. His face was empathic and knowing and your heart broke at that. Still, you gave him a half smile.

"Hey! That's my line!" Bucky yelled in offence, making Sam scowl at him.

"You don't own a sentence, Buchanan." Sam countered.

"Don't call me that and I would copyright..." They kept bickering but you tuned them out as the seed of doubt started sprouting in your consciousness.

📷

But it only got worse. The hate just didn't stop and everyone was piling up on you. Indians did come to your defence, questioning the racism and the unrequited hate you were getting.

But some were also interrogating you. Why were you dating captain America? Why were you flying so high? That he may just be using you and would leave you for an American sooner or later. This sentiment was also shared by your relatives.

Your parents were on your side but you could sense that seeing you get attacked was upsetting them. You put up a brave face in front of the world but you were crumbling down from the depths of your being. You were falling down an abyss and no matter how hard you shouted for help, your mind didn't let up its torment.

You didn't tell the avengers or Steve because they was already so stressed out dealing with all this fiasco. He was so distraught that he didn't even notice you withdrawing from him. He didn't notice how you slept on the edge of the bed instead of in his arms. He didn't notice that you avoided mirror like a plague. He didn't notice how you were drowning in your minds stupid tricks.

That was until it boiled over.

It was a quiet evening. You were walking back to the compound after running some errands. Apparently, Indian species were hella expensive and hard to find in there so you shopped for them by yourself. And it was also because you liked these non-eventful and tranquil moments that you had reserved for yourself.

You were absentmindedly trudging forward as the compound just entered your peripheral when a shout jolted you out of your trance like state.

"Go back to your country!"

You whirled around, only to come face-to-face with a regular white man. Seriously, he didn't even look like a Kevin or intimidating, just run of the mil white guy, very easy to blend in the crowd.

You raised your eyebrows and exclaimed. "Excuse me?"

The man tutted and took a step forward, you taking a backward step. "Didn't you hear me? I said, go back to your country."

"This is getting old. Try something new." You said with a bored voice and crossed your arms on your chest.

"Seriously, first you take our jobs then resources and now our hero? Just because you don't have anything in your country, doesn't mean you should come running to us and mooch off of us." He ranted with a grunt.

"Why? You wanna date him?" You eyed him from head to toe. "To my knowledge, Steve is straight and even if he wasn't. I don't think he would date someone like you." You snided.

His jaw ticked as he took a step forward. "You don't deserve him!" He spat.

Yes, you don't deserve him. Your mind supplied as your grip around the shopping bag loosened.

"He deserves better." Yes, he deserved better.

"You are nothing." Yes, you were nothing.

You were so hypnotised by your minds scorching affirmations that you didn't see the approaching threat.

You yelped as your back hit an electric poll, grocery bag falling on the ground. The man lunging forward for an attack but before he could even lift his hand, a punch from his left side shoved him away and he landed on the ground with a pained grunt.

You let out a shuddery breath as you slowly glanced to your left, your whole body trembling with fear. Your eyes landed on Steve standing there, panting heavily as his knuckles were painted crimson, by whose blood? You didn't know. His eyes were ablaze and his face was murderous as he began charging towards the whimpering man on the pavement.

This snapped you from whatever demons were holding you as marched towards him and shrieked. "Steve, stop!"

You stopped in front of him and wrapped youur hands around his. He halted in his steps, his face instantly softening as he unclenched his fists and dropped his offensive stance. He cupped your right cheek and you spluttered out a sob.

You glanced down at his bloody knuckle and coked out. "Steve, let's go."

He glanced behind you at the whining man and then nodded. He tucked you in his embrace while your gaze never left his knuckles. This was all your fault. Because of you, he almost lost control of himself and if he would have done something then you would have also smeared his name. Maybe it was good to end things.

📷

The room was pin-drop silent, only the sniffling of you and Steve and the clinking of the first aid kit being shut closed reverberated through the walls. Steve had started to talk as soon as you left the man writhing on the cold sidewalk but one finger of yours on his lips and he shut up, accepting your silent plea of solace. But you couldn't push back the inevitable any longer.

You lifted up the first aid kit and set it inside one of the cabinets in the bathroom. When you came back, you sat down on the coffee table ahead of Steve and peered at him through your lashes, your heart breaking when your gaze landed at his pretty face. You would miss him.

It was Steve who spoke first. He intertwined his bandaged hand with yours and softly said. "I'm sorry, you are suffering so much because of me and I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you."

Swallowing, you looked down as tears beaded your eyelashes and muttered out. "I think we should break up, Steve. It's not working out." Saying those words was like stabbing yourself in the chest with a scorching knife.

Steve instantly stiffened and his grip on your hand grew tight as he refused to let you go. "Why?" He asked and before you could reply, his bitter laugh made your head snap upwards as he shook his head.

"Why am I asking this? This should be pretty obvious to me," He sniffled as few tears slid down his cheeks. He glanced at you and you had to bite your lip to hold back your own tears as his pained and misty eyes stared into yours. "Is there nothing I could do to change your mind? To make you give me a second chance? Do you not love me anymore?"

The last part was like a slap to your face as you furiously shook your head and yelled. "I love you with all my heart, body, mind and soul. I love you more than anything in this world, more than I could ever articulate."

"Then why are you leaving me?" He asked in a whisper.

And the flood burst gates open as you broke down. "BECAUSE I DON'T DESERVE YOU."

Steve immediately placed you in his lap as sons wrecked through your body. "Why would you say that? You deserve the world, doll."

"No Steve, no! You are Captain America and I'm nothing. You are gorgeous and I'm ugly. You are perfect and I'm not." You cried into his chest, selfishly seeking his warmth.

Steve jutted your chin upwards and gazed down at you with soft offense. "No, honey. I'm not perfect, I betrayed Tony, I have done so many things that I regret. I have cried in your arms multiple times and you have seen me vulnerable." He said through his own tears.

"But you are so pretty. You should be dating a model or an actress, not me."

"Who like me for being Captain America? No way and," He held your face in his palms and continued. "You are the most beautiful, most intelligent, most amazing woman I have ever met. I won't trade you for anyone."

"Then why I doesn't feel like it, Steve? You asked in a defeated whisper. "Why can't I see myself the way you see me?"

"I can help you look at yourself like I look at you. Please just, don't leave me. I can't live without you. We can survive this storm." He murmured softly kissed your sore eyes.

Your lips quivered as you brought your hands to Steve's face. "I want you, Steve. I want you so much but holding you feels like a sin."

"And holding you feels like a dream. A dream I thought I would never have," He said quietly and gently pressed his forehead with yours. "Just give me another chance. Give us another chance."

"Okay." You replied. Your sobs had ended and draped a heavy blanket of fatigue over you in their farewell as you melted into Steve's hold and Steve snuggled in you more. You didn't know when he placed you on your bed or when you fell asleep in his arms. You let yourself fall into his bliss as all the demons left you. Because in this moment , Steve was yours and you were his and that was all that mattered.

📷

You yawned as you got out of your slumber. The bed was cold again as Steve was nowhere to be found. Again.

Maybe he realised you were right and moved instead of kicking you out. You sniffed a little and turned around, so you were facing the front of your room. But your face instantly scrunched up in bewilderment as you took in the sight.

There were polaroid pictures hanging from the ceiling by a white thread, all facing away from you. You scratched your head as you tentatively got out of the bed. How the fuck did someone hang these and you didn't even stir? Was this from hydra?

The last thought made you gulp as you gingerly reached out for the first picture and pulled it close to read the text written on it with a marker.

Do you remember the time when you handled the toughest project alone?

-Tony

"Huh, what?" Now you were even more confused as you flipped the glossy paper and burst out into a fit of laughter.

It was a picture of you handing Tony a golden toilet trophy like you were handing an Oscar with a megavolt grin as he was rolling his eyes but still, he begrudgingly received the award.

You wiped off a tear from your eye and refocused back on his question. You hummed to yourself as you took a trip down the memory lane. It was a very important biotech project and there had come a point where the connection between the software and hardware had broken and no one could figure why because everything was normal and nothing seemed faculty. It turned out to be a software issue as the code had malfunctioned and needed to be rewritten in a more efficient manner.

You led the team who did that and boy were those days exhausting. Overtime, frustration, failure after failure and of course the moral of the team going down. But you managed to keep the team together and pulled through. Providing excellence.

You smiled a little at that memory. You weren't that useless.

Sighing, you stepped forward to the next picture and read the text on it.

Remember when you got hit on and Steve scowled?

-Natasha and Wanda

You turned the photo around, showing you, Wanda and Natasha. You and Wanda were eating a leftover cake while Natasha was drinking wine straight from the bottle.

You remembered that night. You were minding your own business and not touching alcohol since you didn't want to wake up with a pounding headache. when a guy suddenly materialised next to you and ordered a drink for you without even asking and began flirting.

You smoothly pulled yourself out of that situation and gave the drink to Natasha but Steve had witnessed the whole interaction and he looked like he wanted to sucker punch that poor dude. He was teased relentlessly about it for a month.

Now that you thought about it. You were hit on multiple times on multiple occasions. It was a game of sorts between you and Steve. Since your relationship was private, it was amusing to see people ask you or Steve on a date. You always relished in watching girls flirt with Steve because he would always get uncomfortable and nope out of there like his life depended on it. It was fun because no matter how much they flirted with him, you knew that the man was yours.

You chuckled and caught a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror. You weren't that bad looking.

You walked up to the next polaroid and snatched it closer.

Remember when you comforted me when everyone was sleeping?

-Bucky

Your eyes filled with tears as you flicked to see yours and Bucky's image, it was clicked during lockdown when everyone stressed a lot about cleaning everything. You were pretending to sing with a cleaner bottle in your hand as a microphone and Bucky was using a broom as his guitar.

With a reminiscent smile and you thought back to that one stormy night when Steve was out on a mission and everyone was sound asleep.

You being the insomniac that you were started trudging towards the kitchen for some late night snack but stopped mid-way when you heard whimpers coming from Bucky's room. You went inside without asking but saw him crying alone in his bed. He was so resistant to your comfort and even yelled at you for intruding on his privacy: but he was right about it. However, he caved in the end and cried his heart out while you held him. Then you both watched anime and ate chips. Sleep was nowhere to be found that night.

You bit your lips as you went to the last and final picture, that was dangling before the door.

Remember why I love you?

-Steve

You burst into tears as the realisation dawned on you that it was he, who did all of this. To make you see yourself through his eyes and everybody's eyes. And no, you didn't remember why he loved you because there were too many moments and reasons to remember all that once.

Warmth bloomed in your chest as you finally looked at the picture and it was just like your relationship. Sweet and simple. With you both in the bed, hair messy and lazy smiles on your faces. It was a morning selfie that you taken sporadically on his phone.

You loved him. You loved him so much and you wanted to be with him till the end of the line. Because even if you were just a regular jane, you loved him and he loved you and that was all that mattered.

In your whirlpool of emotions, you didn't register the the bedroom door clicking open and Steve walking inside. It was when his strong arms enveloped you, did you got out of your reverie and glanced at him, teary eyed.

You hugged him back and wept louder in his chest as he rubbed your head. "I love you. I'm sorry for telling everyone about what you were going through but I thought it would help, please stop crying."

You slapped a hand over his lips and cried out. "Shut up. You lovely little dork. I love you. You did nothing wrong in my eyes."

With hope twinkling in his eyes, he removed your palm and asked. "So, will you give us another chance?"

"Yes! This one incident won't make my problems go away in a snap but I want to be with you and learn to love myself like you love me." You said through a smile and leaned to kiss him when-

"What about the trolls?" Tony's voice made you shriek in surprise as Steve gave him an exasperated look.

"Really, Tony?" Steve said with displeasure.

"Yeah, really asshole?" Natasha said and slapped Tony on the head.

Tony scrunched up his face in indignation and said. "But I need to know. She's not used to the attention and hate. And she can't even deactivate her social media because she is one of our representatives from tech."

This made a bulb go off in your head as you held up your plam and said. "Don't worry, Tony. I'll have it handled. Plus, we didn't really publicly announced our relationship, did we?"

Steve narrowed his eyes at you but you just grinned at him devilishly. Time to troll the trolls.

📷

You softly closed the bathroom door as you stepped outside, your white saree grazing the floor. You looked ahead and your jaw went slack, Steve was his blue powder blue shirt and black pants and his blonde hair practically glowed in the golden light of the evening. He looked so gorgeous that you just couldn't tear your eyes away from him.

But then you realised his intense stare on you and you quickly looked down, heat raising to your cheeks. "Stop, staring, it's creepy."

Steve let out a throaty chuckle and said. "I can say the same thing about you."

You opened your mouth to reply but the Bucky's exasperated voice interjected with a grunt. "You both can do this later. Now, come on before the sunsets and the light is gone." And harshly thrusted his phone in the direction of the door.

You chuckled. "Alright, let's go." Steve held your hand as you both walked outside the compound and into the evening sun. After, finding a place where the background was greenery instead of a concrete jungle. You perched on his Harley. Your hand snaked around his neck as his came down to rest on your butt while he stood in the middle of your legs and both came forward to kiss each other.

Bucky clicked the picture but Steve didn't let you go until the need for oxygen became dire. You smiled bashfully and wiped your mouth as you finally got off his bike and went to the very unimpressed Bucky.

He shoved your phone into your hands and ran away before he had to endure any of your pda any further.

You shrugged it off and looked at the photo. Thankfully, it was good and you gave Steve a thumbs up before posting it with a caption:

I corrupted the golden boy and I'm not sorry 😈

Steve also posted the same picture but his caption was more modest:

My love ❤

And. It. Blew. Up, again.

The haters and racist started whining again. Sane people supported you both and laughed at the haters, going as far as making memes. You were trending again, many famous people also came out of the woodworks and congratulated you both which made you roll your eyes.

You didn't care about the public thought of you. You wanted to troll the haters and you successfully accompanied that.

However, it didn't end there. As your devil incarnate friends decided to add fuel to the fire by posting pictures of you and Steve being all over each other with a complimentary middle finger emoji. And apparently, everybody had one.

Either you two were pervs Or your friends were nosey as fuck. Natasha and Bucky agreed with the former assumption.

Bucky posted you both kissing on a picnic.

Natasha of you sitting in Steve's lap.

Sam posted a photo of your head resting in his lap.

Heck, even Peter posted a photo where Steve was kissing your temple.

There were many more but you that was enough for the day as you switched off your phone and tossed it on the bed side table.

"I just wish, no pray that my parents don't see any of these pictures or I will be having an interesting phone call with them. The relatives are still blasting my phone but I ignored them as always." You rambled to Steve as he slid under the covers.

Steve let out a raspy chuckle and said. "I don't think they haven't seen it yet as we're all over the, well everything."

You groaned and pouted at Steve because he didn't need to always tell the truth but as soon as you locked eyes with him you melted in his oceanic blue gaze. He pulled you into his comforting arms and you happily obliged.

"Steve, now that the whole mess is kinda resolved. What's next?" You asked as you gazed into his sapphire blue eyes.

He hummed and gazed back at you. "What's next? Good question, but I don't think you want to hear the answer to that. Would ruin the fun. " He whispered and leaned down to kiss you before you could question him further.

Skin - 2 weeks into the supplement protocol + 1 week without using medication

So my skin is still dry, red, inflamed, and bumpy. Occasionally itchy on some spots. But thankfully, it looks a bit better than it did last week and I don't feel the need to use my topical medication (which I used to use weekly when my skin felt pretty inflamed and itchy).

I've been taking my supplements daily and haven't skipped a day. Even with my busy work schedule, I still take them. It's easy to remember to do so because I take them before breakfast and lunch. I'm on the antimicrobial protocol for a month, so I'm around halfway there. I don't expect my skin to look flawless now, but at least there is less severity, inflammation and itchiness and I don't feel like I need my medication. So there's some improvement there.

My skin over the weekend was in good shape. Though after a while of not taking my meds and after washing my hands and showering, my skin will dry up and become itchy and inflamed and cracked. Also I had a busy Monday morning, which somewhat increased my attention, energy, and arousal, causing me to feel a bit itchy on my earlobes, hands, and neck. So these spots did get a bit itchy and inflamed, but not too bad (they've been worse in the past honestly).

I'm guilty of washing my hands under hot water. Constant exposure to hot water strips the moisture barrier off my skin, and the alkalinity of the soap and water increases the skin's pH, which allows staph bacteria to thrive. Healthy skin is naturally slightly acidic. People are obsessed with alkalinizing their bodies, but some body parts have to be acidic (stomach and skin). Staph is active under alkaline skin conditions. The hot water washing is a bad habit and I need to stop, but it's hard because it is so relieving (though temporarily). I'll limit my frequency and I'll wash my hands less often as well.

I also felt stressed last night because I had an appointment for PCOS testing. The idea of having to do an ultrasound/pelvic exam and having potentially another disease diagnosis made me stressed. Thankfully my doctor doesn't believe I have PCOS. So no need for testing and no need to worry about another health condition. I'll deal with my insulin resistance with exercise (exercise helped me a lot with blood glucose regulation in the past even with a poor diet, stress management. and sleep). I'll get to that once I successfully manage my skin and health gut. I need a clear state of mind to establish an exercise routine, and that mindset will help with stress relief and socializing. Once I get the skin/gut monkey off my back, it will be easier to focus on the health goals that require mindfulness and ease as opposed to following a supplement treatment plan (doesn't need that much mindfulness, just a good memory to remember to take them).

So 2 weeks in, I don't expect miracles. But I do expect some improvement and I'm seeing a tiny bit. Again my skin is inflamed here and there, but the severity has been reduced and I don't have to apply my prescription topicals. I still have my tacrolimus and steroid ointments and I'm not going to toss them out. But I'm waiting for the day where I no longer have to use them. My skin got inflamed yesterday and was a bit itchy today (got better in the afternoon/evening). I did take a shower, which wasn't too irritating on my skin thankfully. I just need to keep it up with the treatment plan, limit stress, and avoid washing my hands with hot water (and even washing my hands that often to begin with because I do wash them too much in general).

It will also help to look into a hand cream, ideally an acidic one. A lot of hand creams irritate my skin, so I'm stuck with using Vaseline because it's the only thing that doesn't bother it. Sometimes using nothing is way better than using something because I don't have to risk irritating my skin.

Regarding my supplements - I have a good supply for 2-3 months. The only thing I've repurchased was the liquid supplement. It's so expensive but it seems like it's really helpful. I'll find a cheaper version in the future or justify purchasing it for what it's worth.

I'll keep on updating each week. I'm hoping for even more improvements a week from now. I know I can and will heal!

@regs09

I hope this is okay! I tried to show her as helpful as possible but a little sparky too. They're not all the same length but I tried to use different scenarios too.

Kuroo

The first time he saw you, you were surrounded by 2nd years pestering you for your phone number and he truly felt sorry for those guys. You couldn’t have had a bigger ‘fuck off’ face even if you tried. As he walked over, he was getting ready to set them straight when he overheard you.

“If you don’t get away from me in the next 10 seconds, I will rearrange your face.”

He’d never seen boys run away apologising so fast in his life, his signature laugh being heard by everyone, even Kenma gave him a WTF look as they walked together down the corridor.

“Oya? You seemed to have put them right in their place.”

Still annoyed at the situation, you whirled around and glared at him, hands placed on your hips. You knew Kuroo Tetsuro, everyone knew Kuroo Tetsuro. Third year, Nekoma volleyball captain, signature smile and absolute flirt.

“You wanna go as well, pretty boy?” You huffed as he held his hands up in mock surrender, grin wide across his face.

“Woah there, sparky. I was coming over to help you.”

Hiking your bag up your shoulder, you purposely walked between him and Kenma. “I didn’t need your help.”

The second time he saw you, he was grabbing a book from the library and he saw you sat with one of the 1st year girls. Exam week was around the corner so the library was busier than usual, he could see some of his teammates in the back too, knowing full well if they failed exams they could be pulled from the upcoming games.

He could see the girl was stressed out from the way she was flailing her arms, her face red as she pointed at her books. He saw you smile as you leaned over, pointing to something before taking out a mini whiteboard and pen from you bag. You giggled as she held her arms up in the air, she must have got the answer right. He was momentarily stunned by your change in demeanor and he could feel himself smile as you clapped for your student.

When you were dating, Kuroo was more than aware of how people perceived you. He had the same issue to some extent, being perceived as a harsh captain with a scheming personality meant some students were often scared to approach him. But when you were alone, you would often curl up to him on the sofa and often acted cute in front of him especially when he came home after a game to help cheer him up. Packing bento boxes for his lunches with cute cut out fruit and animal shaped onigiri and leaving cute notes in his bags and books.

You would always come near the end of Nekoma practice matches with drinks or healthy snacks for his team, who loved you for this reason. Yamamoto more so than the rest, a huge flirt who tried to hug attack you every time only to get yelled at by your boyfriend and given clean up duties as punishment.

"Tetsu, he just wants a hug."

He mock pouted as he looked at you, his lip stuck out almost comically. "Those hugs are mine, he can't have any."

The manager and you got along well too, you would help them by sweeping up after the boys or tidying away the equipment. A few times you helped Lev out when he tore his uniform falling over or tripping on his long legs as he got used to playing volleyball. He would feel so bad too, looking at you like a lost puppy as you sewed up his hem or patched a hole he had in his shorts or t shirt. The one time he managed to rip the stitching of his t shirt up to his arm pit when he skidded across the floor trying to save the ball. Needless to say, it didn't end well and you were glad you had taken to carrying a sewing kit with you when you went to watch them practice.

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's fine, Lev. Don't worry about it."

Kuroo knew the saying: Don't judge a book by it's cover, but he didn't realise how true it was until he met you. He could have missed out on one of the best people in his life.

Bokuto

Bokuto was known for having a cheery outlook on life, yes he had his emo moments but it took a lot to get him down generally. But you always baffled him, whenever he saw you it seemed as though you were angry or annoyed. In class, no matter the task or who you worked with, you looked fed up. After school when you were walking home, you seemed frustrated. At lunchtime, you sat with friends but you seemed like you'd had enough. You were a conundrum to him.

After school one day, he was walking towards the local shop to grab some snacks and he saw you crouching on the ground, your face was a mixture of awe and sadness as you looked at a box on the ground. As he neared you, he could hear small whines and the scratching against the box and when he peered over your shoulder he could see some puppies in the box.

"Someone left them here alone?"

You jumped as you heard his voice, looking up to see him standing over you, he had his bag slung on his shoulder and was still dressed in his volleyball gear. You'd seen him around school, he sat on the opposite side of the classroom to you so you never worked together. You knew he was the captain of the school's volleyball team but didn't know much else about him.

"Yeah, it's so cruel. They're only babies too."

And that was how you two became started friends and eventually dating, bonding over your love for animals and disdain for the situation. He accompanied you to the local animal shelter where you dropped the puppies off, not being able to take them home. He was enthralled by your change in demeanor, you would always smile at him and act a lot more animated. You would help Akaashi get him out of his funk when he had a bad day or one of his moves didn't go to plan. He had taken to buying you the famous octopus plushie too and would use it to gauge your mood, you found it hilarious. If you were sad or angry, he would come bearing snacks or gifts and if you were happy, he knew he was able to hug attack you and smother you in kisses.

Attending every game, you would always dress in his team number and cheer the loudest for him. After school, you would help him unwind, either spending time giving him a massage or just cuddling on the sofa together. You would lay on him, arms and legs intertwined as you watched television or playing with hair as his head was in your lap. Even going as far to sometimes climb into the front of his hoodie so you would be skin to skin with him. You loved the feel of his heartbeat against your ears and his breathing would calm you. You spent more time in his lap, head buried in his neck than sat alone as you lived feeling his body heat against you. Thankfully, Koutaro didn't mind, he loved the attention and having you close to him.

Who knew such a angry little bean would become such a cute little sloth?

Osamu

Every weekend like clockwork at lunchtime, you would walk in and order 2 meals. One to eat at the time and one to pick up at the end of your meal and take away. You always sat in the corner by yourself, flicking through your phone. You weren't rude or anything, but you had an aura of 'leave me alone' or else which usually kept people away from you. As Osamu watched, he couldn't help but wonder about you and your background.

He tried talking to you first, but apart from polite conversation you didn't seem to want to talk to him. He tried broaching lots of subjects but you just gave minimal answers. He was quite frustrated to say the least, Atsumu didn't help with his idea either. They just seemed to be annoying or potentially harassing, neither a great choice.

It was the end of the day when he was packing away, you had just left the restaurant and Osamu was packing all the left over food in boxes to give to the homeless people around the restaurant. He didn't like wasting food, not being one to be ungrateful and decided early on to donate it to those who were less fortunate. Carrying the snack packs, he started his usual journey down the roads and handing his packages out to anyone who was in need.

As he rounded the corner, he saw you leaning down speaking to an elderly lady who had a small child. She looked tired, her cheeks red from exhaustion and cold, the child looking equally cold in this weather too. They had been selling fruit from what he could see and he stared in fascination as you not only bought their remaining stock but gave them the second meal you bought that day.

"No, no. You always do this. It's not fair, we'll exchange. You give me food for my fruit."

"Auntie, no. You know very well that I don't expect payment for this. Its a gift. Take the food, go home and eat. Use the money for your daughter."

Nearing to you, he bowed quickly before leaning down and handing the child some onigiri. She smiled up at him, all toothy and he felt his heart warm up seeing her munch away at the rice ball. Looking at you, he could see the broad smile on your face as you bantered with the woman, seeing you like this was such a contrast to your usual stoic attitude.

This routine continued for a few weeks, eventually you would help Osamu out with his packing. Carrying some of the lighter packages to hand out to everyone, your conversation becoming more and more in depth the more you spoke to one another. You had more in common than you thought, including your selflessness you both had similar taste in music and movies.

One thing led to another and soon you found yourself dating, Osamu didn't realise how cute you were in real life until you moved in together. He remembered how shocked he was when you bought matching Pikachu onesies to wear and would take lots of selfies with him. His phone was full of cute pictures that he got during the day with little messages and lovey dovey quotes. The apartment was full of couple things like matching slippers and the progression of your relationship through little mementos strewn across the wall.

You would spend any spare time you had at his shop helping him, or trying to as you seemed to get distracted by how pretty your boyfriend was. Or you would come behind him and attach yourself in a backhug, Osamu wouldn't be able to get much done with a limpet attached so you compromised on a only doing that when he had a break.

What started as a fascination ended up being one of the biggest surprises of his life and he couldn't imagine his life without you in it.

Haunted ~ Jughead Jones

Masterlists

Requests are OPEN

Notes - Hi so I’m seriously proud of this fic, and even though I feel like all of my Riverdale fics flop I’m super happy with this, so if you could reblog this and get it more reach that’s be amazing. (Also, on a note not related to this, I am working on the requests and I’m so sorry about the wait for them, but I was having trouble writing them so that’s why I wrote this fic. Sorry everyone they’re coming soon!)

Warnings - Pure angst and hurt. Be warned.

Word count - 5.6k.

Riverdale tag list - @idont-knowrn

If you’d like to be added to any tag list please just tell me!

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I'd live to see it break

~

Everything changed when Jughead moved to the South Side. Of course, she couldn't blame him for moving, she knew he had to. With his dad behind bars for a murder he didn't even commit and not being able to stay at the Andrews household any longer, he didn't have a choice in moving. Living in his dad's trailer was better than staying with a foster family whom he didn't know, though living on opposite sides of town and now attending different schools meant they saw less and less of each other. And to be completely honest, Y/N missed him so much. She missed having him stay over at her house before school since her house wasn't far from Archie's. She missed waking up with him in the mornings, being greeted with lazy kisses and warm hugs. She missed sitting with him in class, helping him in math and getting his help in English literature. She missed after school dates at Pop's; sharing each other's milkshakes and helping him write his novel.

But once he'd moved, the cracks in their relationship started to appear. At first it was just missed phone calls and being left on read, though soon it developed to frequent arguments, being stood up on dates for the Serpents, and just not seeing each other much anymore. It hurt her, because she missed her once perfect boyfriend, who was now so caught up with his new school and his imprisoned father's gang to give any sort of time or attention to her. Maybe it was selfish, but Y/N wanted him to focus on her, and not anybody else, even if just for one night. She could tell that their relationship was headed downhill, though she thought that it would be fixable. They had been through so much already, surely this wouldn't break them apart, right?

~

It's getting dark and it's all too quiet

And I can't trust anything now

And it's comin' over you like it's all a big mistake

~

Y/N frowned down at the Pop's menu sat on the table in front of her, scowling at the small printed words there. This was the third time he'd missed one of their dates, or just forgotten about it all together. She was guessing it was the latter, as Jughead had been too wrapped up in the Serpents and with Toni Topaz to think of anything else. She was certain that he was getting bored of her, or tired of her company. He was hanging around with a gang now, his people, so surely his plain old north-side girlfriend was getting tiresome? She took a glance out of the window beside her seat, seeing that the sky was darkening into evening - dark oranges and blues swirled together as the sun went down like an artist mixing paint on a canvas. When she'd gotten to Pop's it was still daylight, but he had taken so long to show that now it was getting dark.

Before she knew it, disappointed tears were brimming in her eyes, and a lump was forming in her throat. Why couldn't he just spare a few hours to go and see her? At first, she had given him the time he quite clearly needed, and the benefit of the doubt. He had just moved and he was adjusting, and she got that, but now it had been weeks and there was still no effort put in from his end. It wasn't like he was even a proper member of the Serpents, so she just didn't get it. 

After another few minutes she had paid for the one milkshake she had drank and the one that had been left sitting on the table untouched, that was meant for Jughead, and then left the diner. It was cold outside, the kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and gave you goosebumps. Though she already felt the cold disappointment that had been sticking with her for weeks, now. On the colder days before Jughead had moved, he would give her his denim jacket as they walked to Pop's after school, but just the thought of that now made her want to start crying. She couldn't remember the last time she had been wrapped in his jacket, or even his arms for that matter.

Before she knew what she was doing, Y/N had pulled her phone out and called him, anger washing over her and replacing the sadness she felt. He picked up after six rings. Usually it would only take one.

"Y/N?" He asked, no 'love' or 'baby'. "Can I call you back later? I'm with the Serpents."

"Couldn't you have spared one night from the Serpents to show up to our date?" She scoffed, lifting her free hand to wipe her eyes which were now streaming with tears. 

"What?" Jughead asked, sounding confused. "We didn't have a date today."

"Yes we did." Y/N sniffled, her lip quivering when realising he'd forgotten. "This is the third one you've missed for Christ's sake, Jug. I shouldn't trust anything you even say, anymore."

"I'm sorry I've been busy." He huffed, sounding more irritated than anything.

"Yeah, you're always busy now." She swallowed back the lump forming in her throat. "Too busy to come and see your girlfriend anymore."

"Y/N, come on-" 

Before he could say anymore she cut the call off, not ready to hear it. Once her phone was back in her pocket she covered her mouth with her hands as she started crying, her chest heaving with each choked sob that passed her lips. Soon it hurt, though nothing hurt as bad as the sadness consuming her from realising he didn't love her like he used to.

~

Holding my breath, won't lose you again

Something's made your eyes go cold

~

It was almost midnight when Y/N heard the rumble of a motorbike turning into her street corner, before she heard the noise cut off right outside her house. It wasn't unusual for Jughead to come and see her after a fight, though it was unusual for them to fight so often. The most they had ever argued before the move was when his father had first been arrested, but she understood that he was just so stressed with everything that he was lashing out at people. Though this was different.

Y/N hadn't moved from her bed since she had gotten home. She hadn't even changed out of her clothes, she had just gotten into her bed and cried. She was still crying by the time she heard her window being pushed open further and someone stepping into her room. Y/N had the covers over her head so she couldn't see him approaching, though she felt the bed dip when he sat down beside her, and felt his hand rubbing her back through the covers. She sat up just enough to turn and move her arms around him, pressing her face into his chest as she started crying again, holding onto him tightly.

"I'm sorry." She heard him whisper into her hair as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body, which only made her cry harder. Did he really mean that? She couldn't be sure.

"Do- do you still love me?" Y/N couldn't help but ask through the tears, needing to know. It felt like he didn't, or that he was loving her less and less every day.

"Of course I still love you." Jughead sighed, his hand lifting to gently run his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry I've been so distant lately, I've been busy sorting out stuff at South Side High and with the Serpents. I really didn't mean to forget about meeting up with you, okay?"

Y/N sniffled a little as she nodded, just holding onto him a little tighter. Whether she completely forgave him or not was a different question, though she was willing to give him another chance to prove that he really did mean what he said. 

"Hey." He said softly, moving his hand underneath her chin to tilt her head upwards. Her red-rimmed eyes locked with his and she watched his expression soften somewhat when he took in her features, though there was something about his eyes that made her stomach swirl with uneasiness. They were just so cold and unlike him. Maybe he didn't really mean what he had said.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

After that night, Jughead had promised to make it up to her and come and see her the following weekend at Pop's. And to be honest, she really needed it. Her week had gone absolutely horribly, with Betty suddenly becoming cold and distant towards her. Y/N couldn't fathom why Betty had become so cruel to her; she just knew that the last time herself and the Cooper girl had spoken, it had ended in a long string of insults from Betty then her walking off. So she could really do with her boyfriend's comfort, after her best friend clearly didn't want to be around her anymore.

Y/N sipped on her milkshake at Pop's as she waited for Jughead to show up, his drink sat untouched opposite her on the other side of the table. Once she had hit the ten minute mark she began to grow worried that he wasn't going to show, but thankfully she spotted him pulling into the parking lot of Pop's after she had heard the rumble of his motorcycle outside. A smile was painted over her lips as she waited for him to walk inside, though it quickly faded once she had caught sight of him.

His face was full of cuts and bruises, most of them looking extremely painful. At first she had been worried that he had been in a fight with somebody at his school, though her stomach sank when seeing the leather jacket he was wearing. The leather Serpents jacket.

He had clearly caught sight of her expression, as Jughead sighed as he slipped into the seat opposite her own. "Y/N, I meant to tell you-"

"That you'd joined the gang you told me you wouldn't?" She whispered, her eyebrows furrowed with disbelief. "Why would you do that? They're dangerous, Jug, they're a biker gang. Are you kidding me?"

"They aren't dangerous." He frowned. "They're like family."

"They're like family?" She scoffed. "Oh, and I'm not anymore?"

"Hey, I didn't say that." Jughead frowned a little more.

"Maybe you didn't say it, but you've been meaning it for weeks!" She practically exploded, sitting up in her seat as her waterline burned with the build up of tears again. "When was the last time we both properly hung out together, hm? Or ate dinner together? Or even spoke to each other without arguing?"

"I told you I've been busy, with-"

"With the Serpents, yeah I know." Y/N scoffed. "You never have time for me anymore, and that's all I'm asking for. I miss you, Jug. You could have at least told me that the reason you were too busy to spare a few hours for me is because you were joining a fucking gang."

"What is your issue with the Serpents?" He snapped defensively, making her flinch at the harshness of his voice.

"You said you wouldn't join them, you promised me, remember that?" She asked. "Oh, but maybe you don't, since you seem to be forgetting a lot recently." She huffed, lifting a hand to wipe away the tears that had started falling. "They are dangerous, Jughead, have you even looked in the mirror recently? If you had to do that to join then what else might you have to do now that you're involved?"

"Will you give it a rest?" Jughead snapped, causing her to flinch once more. "Like it or not, I'm a Serpent now, okay? And I'm sorry that since I have this thing called responsibilities now that I can't spend every minute of the day with you." 

"I didn't say that, Jug." She whispered, more tears falling. "I just miss you, we never see each other anymore and when we do it's... it's like you're a different person."

"Yeah? Well if I'm so different then why don't you just find yourself a new boyfriend, then. One that fits the criteria." Jughead scowled as he got out of his seat, shaking his head as he looked at her.

"Hey, wait." Y/N whispered, also getting out of her seat. "Don't go, Jug, I'm sorry." She whispered, reaching out to touch his arm.

Jughead was still frowning as he pulled away from her touch immediately, shaking his head as he just turned away and walked out of the diner, leaving her stood crying as she watched him leave.

~

Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

~

Despite everything Jughead had said, they didn't break up. A few days later Jughead had stopped by her house to apologise, and for once it looked like he meant it. He had been close to tears himself as he ranted to her about everything, but mostly about how sorry he was and how he couldn't stand to lose her. By the end of the conversation she was crying too, and she had agreed to give him another chance. Maybe by this point she should have noticed just how many chances she had given him recently, and saved herself from any future hurt by breaking up with him, though she couldn't do it. She physically couldn't be without him, it pained her to even think about it.

Everything was good for a while. Betty had given her an explanation as to why she had been acting so funny, and definitely one she hadn't been expecting at that - as she had been getting phone calls from the Black Hood - the infamous serial killer who had taken up occupation in Riverdale over the past however many weeks. Whilst it was a complete and utter shock, she had immediately forgiven Betty, as she understood that she had become distant from Y/N so that the Black Hood wouldn't kill her. And things with Jughead had gotten better. Whilst he was still different to the soft and loving boy she had known before the move, he was clearly making an effort, and that mattered a lot to her.

Jughead had been especially better once his father was out of jail. It was a huge relief for everybody to have FP out, and whilst his return meant Jughead having to step up as Serpent King, Y/N was making an effort to try and understand the Serpents more, so she had been helping Jughead plan FP's retirement party in the Whyte Worm.

Though she had also been meeting up with Toni Topaz there, who was helping her learn the Serpent dance for her own initiation. 

Whilst she still wasn't too fond of the Serpents, she wanted to be there for Jughead to make sure he didn't end up getting hurt or imprisoned like his father, so she had agreed to do the extremely sexist 'Serpent dance' and partially join the gang to keep an eye on her boyfriend.

Even though she wanted to keep him safe, on the night of the party she felt horrible. On her way to the bar she felt nauseated at even just the thought of stripping into lingerie and dancing in front of a whole bar of gang members, but once she was there she felt even worse. The smell of alcohol once she had walked into the building was sickening, and it only made her worse. She was almost convinced enough to leave altogether, though once she saw her boyfriend approaching she knew there was no way of getting out of it now.

"Hey." He smiled once he had reached her, planting his hands at her waist as he leaned down to give her a kiss - thankfully the action helped calm her a little. "You look amazing."

The compliment made her blush a little, as she was only wearing a peach skirt and white blouse, though she couldn't help but wonder what he would be thinking later once she had revealed what she was dressed in underneath the good-girl outfit.

Soon the party was in full swing, and somehow she had managed to lose Jughead in the crowd, though she had managed to find Toni sat at the bar instead. Whilst she wasn't extremely fond of the Topaz girl, she was grateful that she had wanted to help her out with the dance.

"Hey north-sider." Toni greeted once she had sat at the bar, stood on the other side of it. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I'm about to throw up or pass out." Y/N told her, scanning the room for a moment before looking back at the pink-haired girl. "Give me something." She tapped the bar, hoping a drink would help. She didn't even drink - but Y/N was hoping that some alcohol would help calm her nerves.

"Are you sure?" Toni asked as she started pouring a liquor into a shot glass for her. "You don't exactly look like you can hold your drink."

"Please, I need some confidence right now, and if that means drinking to get some then so be it." She sighed.

"Alright then." Toni placed the glass on the bar in front of her, looking a little concerned.

Y/N lifted the glass and eyed the liquid for a moment before lifting it to her lips and knocking back the whole drink in one. It burned it's way down her throat and made her start to cough at the horrible feeling, though despite that she put the glass back on the bar and tapped it, signalling that she wanted another.

"Another?" Toni asked. "Are you sure? Maybe that's not the best idea."

"Please, Toni. I won't be able to do this completely sober." She sighed.

Toni just nodded and started to pour her another one, though as she did Y/N's attention was soon locked on the stage a little away from the bar, seeing Veronica and Archie stood there with the Karaoke machine that Y/N had managed to hire for the party earlier in the week. Tearing her gaze away she took the second shot pretty quickly. It still burned horribly on the way down, though she didn't start coughing again. By the time she had taken her third shot, Veronica and Archie had ran off of the stage mid-song, and Y/N had left the bar to quickly move onto the stage, once Toni had said that it was now or never.

Once she was up on the stage she had managed to meet Jughead's confused eyes in the sea of people, and somehow she didn't tear her gaze as she started singing the rest of the song as she unbuttoned her blouse. Y/N tried her best to look seductive and confident as she stripped herself of her clothes and started dancing, and the alcohol did help a lot with that. She was able to focus solely on the dancing as she moved over to the pole on the middle of the stage and spun around it twice, before lowering herself down onto the floor in front of it. The mass amount of people watching her didn't even phase her as she had moved back to the microphone to sing the last few notes of the song, though once she met Jughead's eyes again she felt her stomach sink with nausea. He had that same cold look in his eye again, the one that looked like he had lost all of his love for her.

After the dance was over Y/N had left with her clothes to change in the bathroom of the Wyrm, missing the speech that FP had started as afterwards she went to stand outside by Jughead's motorbike to cool off. It wasn't long before she spotted Jughead walking out of the back entrance of the bar to come and join her, his expression one she couldn't even read. She could just see that he was not happy, not at all.

"Hey," She said softly as he approached, though was met with no reply once he was stood in front of her. "What's wrong? Was it the dance?"

"It's everything." His voice broke as he shook his head. "And yeah. Why would you do that?"

"I wanted to be a part of this." She told him. "The Serpents, your world."

"Why?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing as he frowned at her. The expression made her uneasy, as it was one she was all too familiar with recently. "Archie knew to cut bait. Now I'm dragging you down. I'm dragging my dad down."

"He's still figuring it out." She told him softly, trying to muster up a genuine sympathetic smile. "And it's gonna be okay, we'll figure out whatever we have to do together." Y/N reached out to place her hands on his chest, though frowned when he had immediately stepped backwards.

"No, Y/N. Mm-Mm." He shook his head. "Not together."

The words struck her like he had just slapped her around the face. Her head tilted a little as a sudden coldness rushed over her body, nausea swirling around her stomach once again. Was he really about to break up with her?

"Y/N, if you stay, I don't know if I can protect you anymore. You might get-" Jughead paused as he ran a hand over his mouth, before planting both of them on her shoulders. "You probably will get hurt. I can't let that happen to you."

Y/N felt her waterline burning with a build up of tears as she stared back at him, starting to shake her head. "That's not your decision to make." She practically whispered.

"Actually, yeah it is." He stepped backwards as he spoke, the painful cold gaze returning to his eyes. 

"How many times, Jug?" Y/N asked as the tears started falling down her cheeks, her voice becoming wobbly with emotion. "How many times are we going to push each other away?" She gave a light push to his chest as she spoke, taking in a light breath as she tried to stop the tears. 

"Until it sticks." The harshness in his voice just made more tears fall as her expression crumpled. "This was my dad's one chance at going straight, and I wrecked it. I'm not going to destroy you, too." He moved to turn and walk away, though Y/N started following instead.

"Just tell me what happened, Jug." Her voice broke as she moved to grab his jacket and turn him around, tears cascading down her face faster as she reached up to cup his face in her hands. "Tell me."

"Please," His voice was weak, and she could see that he was holding back tears, too. "Go home."

Jughead stared at her for another moment before pulling away from her hold, and turning away to walk back into the bar. Y/N couldn't stop the oncoming wave of sobs as she watched him walk away and head back into the bar, her heart aching as she covered her face with her hands. She felt like somebody had just ripped out her chest. He wasn't her's anymore, and she wasn't his.

~

He will try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead

~

The next day, Y/N had found out on the same night that Veronica had broken up with Archie too. She had been at Pop's trying to fight back a fresh wave of tears, when Archie had taken a seat beside her and started up a conversation with her. She eventually just broke into a fresh wave of tears as she tried explaining to Archie what had happened, and he had moved his arms around her to hug her, trying to comfort her in the best way he could. Though it felt wrong - his arms felt different to Jughead's, they were more muscular and harder. That fact alone just made her cry harder as she held onto Archie, as she wished it was Jughead sat with her instead. But she couldn't seem to let go of Archie - needing the reassuring contact even if it wasn't from the right person. So she just held onto him tightly as she cried, silently wishing it was Jughead instead.

~

Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

~

Y/N returned to Pop's the day after, hoping to catch Archie there again. Though as she had walked though the doors of the diner, instead of seeing her red-haired friend, she saw Toni sat at the table beside her usual one instead. She frowned as she looked at her, knowing she probably knew about what her gone down between herself and Jughead at FP’s retirement party. She had tried to walk part Toni without being noticed, though just sighed when she heard her call her name.

“Y/N?” She asked, causing the girl to force a smile as she turned to face her. “Listen, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Jug at the party.”

“It’s fine.” Y/N shook her head. It wasn’t fine, far from it, but she wasn’t about to stand and talk to Toni Topaz about her feelings, of all people. “It’s probably been a long-time coming.” She sighed.

“Listen, I-“

“Y/N?” Another voice came from behind her, an all too familiar voice, causing Y/N to frown as she turned around and saw Jughead stood there. She hadn’t seen him since the night he’d broken up with her, and hadn’t planned on seeing him for a long while, knowing she wouldn’t be able to handle it. Though instead of tears of sadness filling her eyes like she thought would happen, angry tears filled them together as she put two and two together. She glanced between him and Toni, and just shook her head as the tears started falling. He was meeting up with her, not even three days after they had broken up.

“Nice.” She whispered. “Rub salt in the wound, why don’t you?”

“What?” Jughead asked, before his eyes widened as he looked at Toni before back at her. “Y/N-“

“I don’t want to hear it, Jughead.” Y/N shook her head as the tears fell faster, quickly stepping past him and towards the exit of the diner to head outside. Her vision quickly became blurred with tears as she walked, breathing becoming a difficult task as she pushed back any verbal cries trying to escape.

“Y/N wait!” Jughead called after her. “It’s not what you think, please.”

Y/N turned around to face him as she started full-on crying, despite trying not to. “No, Jughead, I don’t care!” She shouted through her tears, her whole body starting to shake. “Just leave me alone, okay? I can’t be around you right now.”

Whilst Jughead stumbled over his words trying to say something, Y/N just turned around and walked away as she started sobbing freely.

~

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted

Come on, come on don't leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can't breathe whenever you're gone

Can't turn back, now I'm haunted

~

By the time Y/N had gotten home, she was a mess. Her chest hurt with each rough cry that passed her lips but she couldn’t stop. Weeks of emotional torture she’d endured, watching Jughead fall out of love with her, and just as things had started to seem okay he’d broken up with her. He had said it was to protect her, because he couldn’t let her get hurt, but was that really the reason? Or was he really just not in love with her? And wanted to be with Toni instead?

Once she had managed to get to her room she just slammed the door and fell to her floor, her hands covering her face as she hunched over. Everywhere hurt; her chest, her throat, her eyes, her heart. She felt like screaming, screaming for hours until her throat was raw and she couldn’t make anymore noise. Though she couldn’t physically stop the sobs long enough to even try to scream.

Her hands were shaking once she’d moved them from her face to plant them on her bedroom floor to stable herself, the shakes travelling up her arms and through her body until her entire frame was quivering with the agonising pain she felt. The tears couldn’t seem to stop, either. It felt like she had been crying ever since the break up, and for the most part she had.

“You’re not gone.“ She sobbed, hitting the floor with her palms before hunching over again as she continued crying. “You can’t be gone!“ The words mixed in with her crying to the point where she sounded like a wounded animal, begging for death. And in a way, she felt like it. Y/N didn’t think she could survive without Jughead by her side.

~

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

Never ever thought I'd see it break

Never thought I'd see it

~

Another week passed before she saw Jughead again. The first time she had seen him after the break up it had been an accident, though this time he had asked to meet up with her, and for some reason said yes. Y/N tried telling herself that she had agreed to go simply because she was curious about what he had to say, though the real reason was because she was hoping he wanted to meet up with her to get back together.

For once, Jughead was there before her, though the scene looked so odd. For a start, he wasn’t even wearing his signature beanie - just the Serpent jacket that looked so foreign to her. And there was nothing on the table. Usually when they met up, whoever got there first would get each other’s favourite milkshakes. Though the only thing there was an untouched Pop’s menu.

“Hey.” Jughead said softly once she had sat in the seat opposite him, not beside him as usual. “I’m glad you came. I wouldn’t have put it past you if you didn’t.”

“What did you want to talk about?” She asked, just wanting to get it over and done with. Whilst she wasn’t crying herself to sleep every night anymore or tearing up at the mention of his name, she still didn’t trust herself to be with him for too long, in fear of setting off her uncontrollable flow of emotions.

“I just...” Jughead sighed. “I wanted to say I was sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about it. I probably could have done it all in a nicer way to make it easier for the both of us. And, I just wanted to say that I wasn’t meeting up with Toni last week in the way that you thought. Really, Y/N, she just wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Y/N scoffed quietly as she shook her head, a sad smile making it’s way to her face. “And I was thinking you wanted to get back together.” She whispered, though he heard her.

Seeing his eyebrows furrow and the shake of his head was enough to make her eyes brim with tears again as a lump formed in her throat.

“Y/N, I can’t do that.” He whispered, reaching across the table to take her hands in his. “You’re in too much danger with me, I can’t let anything happen to you.”

“I can handle it, Jug.” She tried telling him, though her throat was clogged up with tears and it made talking an extremely difficult task. “I can handle it, please can we just try.” Tears starter falling as her voice broke, her hands tearing from his as they flew to cover her face. After a moment she felt the seat dip beside her as he sat down, his arms winding around her and pulling her into him as she started crying.

“Please don’t leave me.” She started crying, the sound of her heart breaking almost louder than her cries. Almost. “Please, Jug, this can’t be over, I never thought I’d see this break, please.”

Jughead was stiff as he rubbed her arm gently, letting his lips linger on her forehead as a way of trying to comfort her. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, his own voice thick. “I have to. Y/N.”

At that she just started crying harder as she held onto him, trying to soak up his hold, his touch, everything, as she knew once he left she wouldn’t ever get it again. She turned to be completely pressed into him as she sobbed into the cold uncomfortable leather of his jacket, trying to hold onto him for as long as possible. Though she knew everything was over, and she couldn’t even take the thought. She couldn’t stand to live without Jughead in her life, she just didn’t want to.

She was haunted.

I wish I didn't have ADHD. Sometimes it just makes things so terrible. Today at work they forced me to train on a position I'm not comfortable doing. Fine. Whatever. It's not my job's fault I'm like this. So the day starts off with one dude basically giving me the business about how I'm gonna have to work this position whether I like it or not, rudely and angrily. He didn't politely inform me. He didn't tell me it was because they have 4 positions empty that still need to be filled. Or that one person just didn't show up today. Or that I was literally the only extra person they had to work it.

I don't handle being yelled at well at all. Thankfully my supervisor is really nice and wasn't happy about how he treated me. But it still doesn't help that I started the day off sobbing like a fucking baby in front of all my coworkers and supervisor. I know it's stupid. I didn't want to embarrass myself but I literally cannot stop it from happening. I stress-cry a lot.

Things were going okay until I was passed off to train with the same supervisor's son who works there. He's nice(i think?) but kept asking questions I flet were more than just small talk. But I think I messed up when I had an emotional comeapart in front of him close to the end of the shift. Half angry half sad. Angry because I wasn't going to clock out on time. Usually not an issue but a friend I invited over under the pretense my day was going to be normal was literally at my house and here I am still at work. Also angry because the other lady who is supposed to be working the position with the guy training me just goes home, leaving a mountain of work left for him(if I hadn't been there) to do. I stayed because I wasn't about to abandon the job I was supposed to finish. Been there done that at two other jobs. It also isn't right to leave coworkers high and dry when you still have a job to finish. Unless there extenuating circumstances other than "I just don't wanna stay. You got this, right? No? Oh well. Bye!" Which I, unfortunately, overshared my thoughts about to him. I couldn't even keep it together for one friggin day.

I'm afaid I've irreversably messed up at this new job since new situations and stress easily overwhelm me. I'm afraid that guy is going to go talk shit about me to his mom/my supervisor and she'll think less of me than she probably already does. I'm afraid my poor memory will make me look even worse when I'm left to do this position alone over the weekend. I hate that working around people, especally cranky sick people makes me anxious. I hate that the medication only helps so much. I hate being so emotionally unstable. I hate that I'll never be able to handle things the way I want to.

I realize that you all probably don't care to read about my first world problems but I really need to vent about this somewhere.

Jude & Jac

Jude: [post rave] Jude: you can stop your 1 woman campaign now, freshers looks fun, I admit it Jac: That's why they give out free shit and throw these things Jac: convince people like you, good to know you've fallen for it 🎣😏 Jude: I'm convinced enough to crash Trinity's 😜✌ Jude: here on out Jac: good luck, jailbait Jac: the two years you've got left in school show 👶 Jac: you can't even grow unconvincing facial hair like the boys in my year Jude: nah they don't, why ma & da get so stressed every time I leave the house 💋👗👠 Jac: Predators enjoying the fact you think so is another issue entirely Jude: 🙄😏 Jude: can never just have a nice chat with you Jac: What do you need to chat about? Jude: what do YOU need to chat about? Jac: That was an...attempt, I'll give you that Jude: alright, here's the nudge, her name starts with S & last time she was ranked she was at like a 4 Jude: but I'm willing to bump her up in light of recent events Jac: You've reconnected and + 1 up, have you? Jac: That's nice Jude: taking a decent 📷 is good for a few points Jude: probs should lose 'em again when it's dad 👍 but whatever Jac: Very generous Jac: do appreciate you keeping your 👍 to yourself Jac: what do you wanna ask then? Jude: ikr I'm in a generous mood Jude: I'm not forcing you into a q & a Jude: I just think it's good you're mates again Jude: be a bit weird having her there & not Jude: some girl isn't gonna be there 📷 to turn her into a headless 👻 whenever shit gets awkward Jac: That your professional opinion, captain obvious? Jac: well, cheers for your blessing, like Jude: I could tell you were waiting for it so Jac: Clearly Jac: the little you think about has always been my GREATEST concern 😏 Jac: and she'll be up and over the 🌙 at her new score, of course Jude: all I REALLY wanna know is if she has a 🌾🐄 accent now, like? be honest Jude: it's still silver 🥄 yeah? Jac: Err, come on, it was NEVER Southside Jac: and even if it was, that'd count for NOTHING here Jac: so posh some of 'em it's a speech impediment Jude: so you're saying she don't fit right in with the 👸🤴 & qualifies as a bit of rough instead Jude: gutted for her Jude: her ma'd be even more 💔 wonder how she is Jac: That isn't funny, Jude Jude: not about her mum, that was well sad Jude: posh boys not thinking Sav is, is a bit though Jac: Have you ever tried engaging your brain before you speak Jac: not being completely insensitive should not be this hard for you Jude: ?? Jac: Don't ?? at me Jac: you say it's 'well sad' but you're the one that cracked a joke in the first place Jude: I didn't Jude: not about that Jac: I'm not pulling it from nowhere, it's still on my screen Jac: I don't think you realize how badly you come across half the time Jude: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across like a massive dickhead Jude: I think Sav's alright, I'm not trying to take the piss out of her Jac: Well it's alright this time 'cos you only said it in front of me Jude: be going a bit far to check in with her Jude: not weird at all Jac: you're saying I SHOULD put it past you? Jac: you are weird Jude: I'm saying I'm not about to say it front of her as I don't talk to her, am I Jac: doesn't mean getting into the habit of saying every 'hilarious' thought that enters your head out loud is a plan Jude: yeah alright Jude: fair enough Jac: Anyway, Sav isn't interested in any boys that look like they came from 🐴s not 🐒s Jude: 🤣 Jude: you wanna be careful saying 👦🏽👦🏾👦🏿 look like 🐒 but I get you Jac: She hasn't got a boyfriend of any colour so I weren't saying that Jude: I didn't reckon so, not unless she got a lad to follow her to uni Jude: but who wants that? Jac: Her ex was holding her back hardcore but he's given that up, thankfully Jude: he sounds like a right laugh & not at all like a prick Jac: That's boys for you Jude: 😜 Jude: when do they grow up? 40s or what? Jac: Have you met our father? Jac: never Jude: oh great Jac: 🤷 Jude: it's alright for you, you can get all the 🤓 lads when you're done studying or whatever Jude: least they'll be smart Jac: smart boys are worse Jac: they want to explain everything to you Jude: really? Jude: fuck that then Jac: dumb but kind are the lofty heights you can shoot for Jude: like a 🐶 Jac: yep Jac: loyalty too, forgo the collar Jude: yeah you're right that is lofty heights Jude: maybe when I'm 40, I can find a lad that don't need one Jude: stop him going over the road & 💔 me Jac: shitting where you eat is gross but convenient, that's boys Jude: 👍 Jude: Jess is so lucky he can pick a lad or a girl Jac: Most people are undesirable Jac: gay lads will only touch him if they think he's straight and that's their type Jac: and girls are a whole different beast altogether Jude: that'll be why he's so 😒 Jac: as a rule or more than usual right now? Jude: we all know why he's 😒 right now Jude: you pissed off somewhere more fun without him Jac: I think he's just fine Jac: and he did it first, every weekend, like Jude: speaking of, his latest gig was not the one Jude: so he's probably 😒 about that Jac: like, he was shit, the crowd weren't the right one or the equipment weren't? Jude: he needs a better 🎸 but that ain't news Jude: seemed like he didn't wanna be there to me Jac: Hm, a fight with one of his girlfriend or boyfriends then Jac: meant to make him better so he's fucked up there Jude: relatable Jac: 🙄 Jac: alright Jude: don't be 🙄 @ me Jude: your dating history ain't spotless Jac: I've never dated anyone so it is Jac: 📑 definition Jude: your hook up history then, you know what I mean cos me either Jac: I don't fall in love with them like an idiot, it's entirely different Jude: I fell in love with the one, who I was dating for a bit Jude: I'm not going about falling for 'em all Jac: Still did, didn't you Jac: I can't even remember any of mine Jac: nothing came into play but proximity and timing Jude: 🏆🥇 if you want Jac: take it over your 💔 obviously Jude: yeah Jac: 🙄 I repeat Jude: whatever Jude: I was stupid, it was ages ago Jac: you brought it up Jude: it was my mistake, I can Jac: not a sounding board for your whining Jude: alright, my bad Jac: used to you Jude: you've got your own room now, get over it, like Jac: unfortunuately, that doesn't stop us sharing a family so I don't think I will, thanks Jac: unfortunuately, that doesn't stop us sharing a family so I don't think I will, thanks Jude: it's a part time one for you now, don't have to see this face til 🎄🎅☃️🎁 Jac: Unfortunately, can stay over Spring though, but there's no catering in the Xmas hol 💔 Jude: 👎 - 1 point to St Andy's Jude: is Sav going to her mum or dad for the hols? Jac: better than home, get all my meals and room cleaned for me every week so Jac: literally only just got here, who's thinking about leaving Jac: some other halls you can stay, so maybe she'll find someone there, so she only has to do actual Xmas day or whatever Jude: me now, maybe I should bother going to uni if they're gonna clean for me Jac: only if you get into a good one Jac: and pay extra, hence most people are self-cater, but what else do I need my grant, loan and scholarship for, may as well Jude: 🤔 I hear you, that's unlikely Jac: you have time Jac: two years can change everything Jude: not my 🧠 it can't Jude: my concentration ain't there unless I'm doing 🎨 Jac: you could try harder, and you know it Jude: at what? Jac: concentrating on enough subjects to get you into a decent Uni Jac: you don't need every one, just enough to boost your points Jude: sounds easy that 😤😏 Jude: if I'm only in it for the 🧹🧺 🧼🧽 & I ain't 🤓 enough for one of 'em, ain't much point Jac: It's not about being nerdy or naturally intelligent, it's about being smart with the system Jude: yeah but it's probably also about going cos you wanna learn stuff & be there not just cos you wanna leave home for a bit Jac: most people never use their degrees, so you tell me Jude: that's true Jude: what subjects then? Jac: Depends what you want to do, Art in some form, assumedly? Jac: Fuck Irish and Spanish and PE, duh, knuckle down with your rest to up your points as much as you can then absolutely ace Art Jude: Alright, I'm decent at PE anyway Jude: that'll be easy points Jac: Exactly, no need to purposely fuck them up, but focus harder on the rest, especially the ones you are less decent at without trying Jude: please tell me you've left your notes here Jac: Of course Jac: under my bed, if you haven't lit it on 🔥 Jude: it's only been a week, gimme chance Jac: well, don't reckon they'll let you get a double yet Jac: I still need a place to crash in the holidays and it certainly won't be beside you snoring your head off Jude: might do if I steer clear of lads for a bit Jude: not that I've done half as much with 'em as everyone reckons I have Jac: People find shit to chat regardless, not worth paying no mind to, no more mind to stupid lads either Jude: I don't care if people don't reckon I'm a virgin still even though I am Jude: it's not like it matters Jac: Yeah, those people will all be irrelevant before you know it Jude: loads of people are well jealous of your uni btw Jude: reckoned you'd wanna hear that Jac: Of course Jac: x2 Jude: 😏 Jac: It's more of a flex than Trinity even, and only a handful of people got in there Jude: when did you work out what you wanted? it feels like you've been going on about it forever Jude: but like actually Jac: 🤔 Jac: I can't remember a point where it wasn't my plan, honestly Jac: more abstract when I was little and didn't have the titles and disciplines to put to it but Jac: I always liked murder mysteries and shit, what makes us tick Jude: right Jude: you love a true crime podcast Jac: 😏 Jac: but I'd rather deal with the living murderers than the corpses of their victims so Jude: well yeah Jude: 🦴🦷 bit gross Jac: 🧠 are much better Jude: long as you're not cutting into it Jac: I won't be Jac: if I'd combined biology, and gone that route Jude: I won't be either, tah Jude: science is proper hard Jac: Psychology has a shit load of it involved anyway, but I can blag it Jude: you're SO excited, I can tell Jude: 🤓💕 Jac: Of course I am Jac: it's everything I've ever wanted Jude: it's weird you're so far away though, it don't feel like you are Jac: Glad my prescence and now abscence had/have such a huge impact on you Jac: we both know why though so Jude: yeah Jac: it's different now Jude: good Jac: alright then Jude: give my love to Savannah, I know she'll have missed me Jude: that's the impact I have Jac: 👌👌 Jude: 😝 Jac: Do you really have a problem with Savannah? Jude: course not, I told you I think she's alright, it's just bants Jude: why does she have a problem with me? Jac: yeah, it's a massive grudge she took all the way to Sligo and back Jac: 🙄 Jude: you know what I mean Jude: has she said that I come across as a massive dickhead too or something? Jude: I don't wanna upset her, like Jac: you haven't come up a load in conversation, like Jac: oddly enough Jac: it's that Jac: she's like my girlfriend alright so you can't be a dick about her anymore, alright Jude: alright then Jac: is that all you're gonna say Jude: I won't take the piss out of her no more, like I said, I didn't mean it anyways Jac: you can react, you know Jac: it's big news on multiple counts Jude: it makes sense Jude: I get it now, why you were like that after she left Jac: Good Jac: I want you to know that Jac: don't change how it was, but still Jude: you could've just told me you rated her 10/10 Jude: is that why she left? like her family always seemed a bit off but I didn't think they were that bad Jac: I couldn't, though Jac: no, her mum wasn't coping Jac: as we all know now, and then the Isabelle stuff went down, so their dad stepped in Jude: yeah, but I mean, that's not part of why she slit her wrists, is it? Cos Sav doesn't need that to carry Jac: it was because the dad left and then took them, to put it as bluntly and without nuance as possible Jac: but that's all on him, not the girls, her mum isn't like blaming them, their relationship is getting better Jude: at least she was alright with you too dating then, nobody needs that dark ages mentality shit Jude: she's got enough going on Jac: well, she doesn't know about that yet Jude: but you were together back then, yeah? Jac: no, it's a new development Jac: as in, like, the other night new, no one really knows, I barely do Jac: things were complicated before Jude: oh okay, soz for backtracking so hard, I just thought Jac: yeah, that was the problem Jac: shit was assumed or it wasn't Jude: what a headfuck Jude: you're okay now though, right? Like the other night went alright Jac: I guess for context, before she left, I did kiss her and it went horribly Jac: I loved her then but she didn't and then she was gone Jac: I see how it sounded like pining there but no Jac: it's good now though, things have changed, we both have Jude: I knew something happened that night when you came back early, you were like a 👻 or like you'd seen one Jac: Yeah, that was what it was Jude: it won't happen again if things are different so Jac: not as bad Jude: I'm glad Jude: that this is the ending you get, cos it's not one, it's more like a beginning or whatever Jude: you don't have to be just excited for uni Jac: I know Jac: not that there's anything wrong with just being excited for Uni, tah very much Jac: whatever happens, I think we'll be able to stay friends this time so Jude: or you'll just marry her & have all the kids she obviously wants Jac: let's not get carried away, shall we Jude: 1. you never said I couldn't have bants with you still Jude: 2. there's nowt I don't know about her life plan, she talks LOADS Jac: You only have a problem with that because you want to be the one talking Jude: course I do Jac: it cannot be overstated how much I'd rather listen to her, is the point ❤ Jude: it'd be a bit rude if you were already like nah tah 🤐 it, babe Jude: probably don't do that Jac: That's your top tip and people really think you're not a virgin? Jac: Interesting Jude: it don't work out well for the lads who TRY it with me 😏 Jude: people reckon I'm not cos I'm that 🥇 yeah Jude: & cos lads have loads to say for themselves, most of which is bollocks Jude: but you're not a sounding board for my whinging, I remember Jac: 'Bants', dear sister, 'bants' Jude: 👍 Jac: anyway, I've got to go Jac: there's this variety show that is apparently hilarious, either actually or in how bad it is so Jude: & I've got loads of 📝📚📖📏📐to do if I'm gonna have my own freshers Jude: top quality entertainment like that, literally how could I not? Jac: sure you'll want to be in it yourself 😏 Jude: you're correct Jude: 👋 then

Credulous

Ch. 2: Comfort

Genere: FallenGuardianAngel!Jimin, Supernatural

Members: Jimin

Pairings: Jimin x y/n

Synopsis: love is an uncontrollable feeling, even for those who were meant to protect, and only protect. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet somehow, there was always outliers.

Warnings: A slight traumatic incident

Word count: 4.4k

A/N: don’t forget to like and reblog if you enjoy!

Ch.1 | Ch.3

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“Tell me if it's too much, okay?” He says as he opens up the little square packet in between his fingers. I just nod slowly, trying to look away. The longer I was around him, the less overwhelmed I felt. It wasn't much, but it was something, and I'd take anything at this point. Fainting in front of a stranger just wasn't an option. My eyes squinted slightly once I realized he was about to start. “I'll be gentle.” He smiled, the warmest, most inviting smile I'd ever seen. The concern that laced his eyes was still very much there. I questioned why he was so concerned, I was a stranger to him. Was it normal for someone to be worried about a stranger the way he was about me?

My thoughts stopped as I felt the wet wipe touch my elbow. The sting of the alcohol caused me to involuntarily yelp, which got us a suspicious glare from the clerk. “I'm sorry. I'm not usually this whimsical, I'm just a little out of it.” He giggled lightly at my comment. I wanted to feel embarrassed but I was feeling too comfortable in his presence. You'd think I'd be filled with liquid courage right now, but I wasn't. The scrape on my elbow was burning and I wasn't able to control myself. I wasn't sure why I was so out of it. Maybe the fact that I was tipsy, a little post-panic still running inside me, and this overwhelming feeling, filling my senses. I guess my body just didn't know how to react? It was being extra sensitive.

My head wouldn't stop spinning with questions however. It was just so confusing why this feeling was suddenly so strong? I mean, I usually felt it when I was alone. Yes, when I had been in unpleasant situations, the feeling came back. But after the situation was over the feeling would fade away again. Ever since this blonde guy came around though, it was much more stronger and overwhelming, and it wasn't going away. Back there, when he had asked me to walk away, I felt it fade slightly, but the second he appeared again it all came crashing back.

It was worse than the first week, it was like someone let the chains loose and everything hit me full force. Making the first week seem like a walk in the park. Was I going crazy? Or was he causing this? I must be crazy, because how could he cause this?

My thoughts were pushed back once I felt him place a bandaid on the scrape. I breathed in relief. “One more to go.” He cheers slightly, opening another disinfectant wipe, to which my eyes open wide. “What? I thought we were done!” He can only chuckle at my exasperated reaction. “The first one is always the worst, trust me.” He reaches for my arm, getting ready, disinfectant wipe in the other hand. “How would you know? Are you an expert? You must be part of the nursing department, do we go to school together?” I ask him, causing him to have an amused look on his face. “All done.” My eyes go wide, once again.

“I didn't even feel that. How'd you?” I take a look at my arm. It's all patched up. “I told you.” He smiles as he throws the garbage away. My breath seems to stabilize, the panic I had felt subsides as well. “You really didn’t have to do all this, even back there. Thank you, for everything.” I grabbed my purse as I told him, getting myself ready to leave.

“It was nothing, really. I may have overheard what was going on. I needed to make sure you were fine.” He shrugs it off, whatever the reason may be, I was thankful things didn’t escalate any further because of him. “Well, either way I’m grateful… I guess I’ll get going now.” I wave goodbye at him. As soon as I step out of the shelter that the drug store provided, the cold nights breeze came crashing against my body. Causing chills all over, I could only rub my arms to try and keep warm.

“Here, take my sweater.” I turned around to see him taking it off, leaving him in a plain white tee. “Oh no, you’ve already done so much. I couldn’t.” I shook my hands, insisting that it wasn’t necessary, but he wouldn’t budge. “Please, I’ll be fine.” He stretches his arm to me, waiting for me to take it. I give in after a second. “You really didn’t have to, thank you.” I quickly pulled it over my head and poked my arms through, indulging in its warmth. The scent of warm vanilla mixed with roses and lavender filled my senses. “I can walk you home if you don’t mind, just to make sure you get home safe.” He asks, but the fact that he’s walking with me already clues me in. I just nod in response. Besides, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a bit worried that, that psycho from earlier would come back.

Just as we were closing up on my apartment complex, my phone rang. I really didn’t want to deal with anything now, everything that had happened had caused me a big enough headache, I didn’t need to add more. Didn’t even need to look at the caller id to know who it was. Contemplating whether I should answer it or not, my finger hovering over the answer button. “Maybe she’s worried about you.”

“Maybe, but knowing her, she probably just wants to know if I left the party with someone.” I rolled my eyes as I clicked the end button on Rae’s call, shoving my phone back in my purse. I’d call her, just not now. The rest of the short walk to my apartment was peaceful after that. There wasn’t any creeps lurking, no commotions of any sorts. Everything went smoothly, which put my wild thoughts to rest. The birds up in the trees chirping and the wind whistles helped a lot too, and as odd as I found it for a stranger to insist on making sure I was safe, I appreciated his concern. It's not like it wasn't nice for him to worry about me, or that a person shouldn't be concerned for another, for the simple fact that they're strangers. It was quite the opposite, I just never saw enough of that kindness. All the other times I got into altercations people just looked the other way, all I’m saying is I’m not use to such kindness. Maybe that’s why I found it so strange.

Finally, we made it to my apartment complex. I stopped in front of it to thank my rescuer one last time. “Well, this is me. I’m really thankful that you stepped in, I know you didn’t have to do all that. So, thank you, really.” I could only smile at him, as he shook his head at me. “Nonsense, I had to. What kind of person would I be if I just walked away.” He seemed like such a genuinely good guy, that, and the energy he radiated was so comforting. In contrast to that jerk from the party.

I was just about to turn around to leave when I remembered the sweater. I started to take it off but was stopped by him, “Keep it, it’ll keep you warm.” I wanted to protest that he’d need it more, he still had to walk home and I would be warm inside. However, he started to walk away from me and I figured it would be a waste of time. I just laughed it off, as I walked up to my apartment door. A few flights of stairs, and there I was, picking my lock. After a few tries it finally opened, letting me in to the warmth and familiarity of my apartment. “Oh, how I missed you!” I whispered to myself, in excitement as I locked my front door. As soon as I had I ran to my bedroom and jumped on my bed, indulging in its comfy embrace. It was good to be back.

The next morning started with the annoying vibration of my phone against my bed stand, causing me to shuffle around in my bed sheets. “Hello?” I answered it, voice semi groggy, causing me to clear my throat as I listened to the other end. “I know it’s your day off, but Sammy couldn’t make it to work. Is there anyway you can make it? I need you here at 8.” My boss’s voice came through too loud through the phone, causing a minor headache. Quickly, I checked the time on the screen, it was 7:20 now. I wished so desperately I could say no, but I needed this job. “I’ll be there soon.” I didn’t get a response from him, he’d hung up. A loud yell muffled by my pillow later and I was up.

I was supposed to have a stress free weekend, relax at home, eat yummy food. But no, instead I spent my Friday night getting forced into a party I didn’t want to be at, followed home by some creep. Thankfully rescued by the sweetest guy I’d ever come across, and now I’d have to work on my Saturday morning with half a hangover. Great.

Although, come to think of it, I never got that blonde guys name. Then again, he never asked for mine either. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see him again. His kindness had gotten me, so caring towards me even though we'd just met.

Not too long later, I had finished getting ready for work. I got my things ready and walked out. “Let’s do this.” I cheered myself on as I walked down the stairs. The cafe shop was relatively close, which was one of the benefits when I first got the job. I was thankful now more than ever, because I needed to be there soon. As close as it was though, the walk was longer than I had anticipated. Honestly, could he be mad at me? He called me on such short notice. Literally forty minutes before I had to be there. I managed though, arriving with five minutes to spare. “Oh, you're here, thank god. Ask Lauren to give you the list of the current orders.” My boss was quick to rush me into the kitchen. Being a barista was fun, occasionally. Not on days like today though, it was devastatingly busy. Too many people to count on my own hands and feet, even if I included my coworkers as well. “How'd we get so popular? You'd think the Starbucks across the street would be stealing all the customers.” I commented at Lauren, who laughed as she showed me the orders that were in place.

I started to make the drinks alongside her. We tried our best to finish quickly and efficiently. Which must have worked, because our tip jars were starting to fill twice as fast. “We make a great team, don't we y/n?” Lauren asked, giving me a high five as she walked by me, starting up a new drink. She wasn't wrong, we were doing great. It didn't take long for us to get the shop to slow down. Everyone had been helped and served. All but one. A young man, wearing a black leather jacket, that matched the pitch black shade of his hair, which fell perfectly over his forehead. As a matter of fact, his whole outfit was black. His eyes quickly glanced over our menu before he stood In front of the counter.

“What can I get for you today?” I kindly asked, smile spread on my face. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't felt an odd aura around him. I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to, it was something I never felt before. It was like there was a slight emptiness inside me, but somehow I was okay with that sudden vacancy. Like it could become addictive. “An iced Americano.” His words brought me out, but pushed me right back in once I saw his eyes. Intriguing, yes, but not in a pleasant way like I would have liked

“Yes, of course. It'll be three fifty.” I choked out, my mouth was starting to dry out. Making it hard for my words to come out. He handed me over the money, and I quickly placed his order. I ran back to the kitchen to make his drink, Lauren laughing at me, for a reason I didn't know yet. “What? Did I do something?” I ask her, completely oblivious to what was going on. That only made it funnier for her, causing a confused smile to spread across my face. “Haven't you seen a cute guy before? He got you all choked up and everything!” She started to laugh loudly again. I gave her a playful push, as I reached for a lid. “That's not what happened.” I glared at her, shaking my index at her, signaling a no. I walked over to the counter, calling out the drink.

The young man walked up and grabbed it. “Have a nice d-“ I was cut off by him placing something into the pocket of my apron, leaving me confused. “I’ll see you around.” He smiles at me before leaving, I watch his body disappear before turning back. Lauren is already holding back her laughter. “Are you okay? Did he tip you?” I can only shrug, it must have been what he placed in there, no? What else could it be? “It has to be, I don’t know what else he could have placed in there. Did he not see the tip jar? He didn’t have to do that.” I shake my head, he invaded my personal space, he was a customer. That wasn’t okay, besides his aura had me feeling odd.

I shrugged it off and got back to work. I figured he just wanted to make sure I’d be the one to keep the tip. Was my service that great? All I did was serve him an iced americano. He was probably just a generous tipper. The rest of the morning was busy, but not as busy as it was early on in the morning. I couldn’t help but wonder if Sammy was okay, or if he just wasn’t feeling work today, deciding not to come in. Either way, I envied him. These were supposed to be my days off, but here I was instead, covering for him. Which wouldn’t have been so bad, if it wasn’t as busy, but it was.

My eyes kept going back to the clock on the wall, counting the literal seconds until my shift was over. I couldn’t wait to go home and just relax. Finally, i was two mocha lattes and one caramel macchiato away from leaving. Smile on my lips, as I prepared the drinks. I couldn’t help the happiness I felt, knowing I was so close to being back home, buried in blankets. I finished the drinks and called them out, waiting for the customers to pick them up. Once they had, I walked back to clock out. “Thank the heavens, I’m going home!” I whispered to myself.

It was currently 4pm. The sun was still high up in the sky, as I walked out the back door, heading home. People were bustling around, probably because most of them had just gotten out of work, or picking up their children from school. I popped in my earphones, playing some music while I walked home. The cool breeze was relaxing as I shut off my thoughts and enjoyed the walk home. The sky was a light orange tint where the sun was, with elaborate shaped clouds that looked so soft. The green trees were a beautiful contrast against the sky. Aside from the noise of the cars, the atmosphere was peaceful.

I was so drowned in the setting, that I hadn't even noticed the loud car horn. By the time I heard it, the car was inches away from me, my heart stopping. The car was rushing towards me, from the corner of my eye, I noticed another car had crashed into its rear. I bid my goodbyes to this world in those last seconds, that moved in slow motion for me. I was ready to let go, not because I wanted to but because I knew I had to. My eyes shut close, not being able to bear seeing the end of my life. Or so I thought that's what would happen, but I felt someone else's body slam against mine, pushing me out of the way. The hit broke me out of my paralyzed state. I felt myself choke out a breath, breathing erratically. What had just happened?

I allowed my eyes to slowly open. Scared to see what the scene looked like. “Are you okay?” A familiar voice said from beside me. Just like last night, the feelings of warmth and comfort came crashing back. I tried my best to ignore it as I took in the totaled car that crashed against the cement wall that was being trapped by the truck behind it, equally as trashed. The drivers seemed to be badly injured. Disregarding the familiar voice asking if I was fine, I ran to the other side of the cars. The driver of the truck seemed to be gaining consciousness, but the woman in the car wasn’t moving. I quickly opened the door, pushing her body back by her shoulders, I was being careful not knowing how badly she was injured. “Hey? Can you hear me?” I asked her as I looked at her body, her shins were both bleeding, as the car had caved in on itself. Her forehead was bleeding as well. “Are you okay?” I asked again, reaching over to unbuckle her seat belt. I wasn’t sure what to do in this situation, but leaving her in the car didn’t seem like a good idea.

I gathered up all the strength in my body to carry her out, but I didn’t have to carry her for long. The familiar face from Friday night took her from me, placing her safely against the wall. Was he the one who pushed me out the way? He looked back at me after he made sure she was ok. “You never answered me, are you okay?” He asked me once again, coming closer. Were these feelings really attached to him? It couldn’t be, I felt these when I was alone too. So why was it so overwhelmingly prominent when he was around me? I couldn’t think straight because of all the different emotions going around inside me. “We, uh, should help him out too.” I gestured to the man in the truck.

I helped him bring the guy out, as soon as we had I called 911. I explained everything that had happened to them, to which they had said they’d send out help and I hung up. We waited for them to arrive after that, but the adrenaline that was in my body started to leave, and I started to feel a bit shaken up. “Hey, it’ll be alright. Don’t worry.” The blonde next to me reassured. He rubbed my back, comfortingly, and just like before, his presence had calmed me down. The rest of the time waiting was spent with me staring off into nothing, with my mind at a blank. It wasn’t long before the cops and ambulance arrived to the scene.

One cop pulled the two of us aside, asking us questions about the situation. The blonde guy was talking to the cop first, but I was so out of it that I didn’t hear a thing they said until the cop snapped his fingers at me. “Miss, are you alright?” He asks me, slowly I nodded at him. “She’s been like this for awhile now, I think she’s a bit shaken up.” He pats my back slowly, it’s as if he knows that his presence alone calms me down. “Yeah, I wouldn’t blame her, it’s quite a traumatic experience.” The cop is sympathetic with my current state. “Miss, I need to ask you some questions about the accident. Do you think you can do that?” I nod once again at him. I clear my throat, trying to get words out. The cop takes the cue and beckons another. “Do me a favor and get her some water.” He nods at him and rushes off. I take a look at the blonde beside me, he reassuringly smiles at me.

The cop started his inquiry, and I tried my best to answer him as accurately as possible. Awhile later, and the sun was starting to set, my watery eyes being dried out by the cool breeze. After the cop was done asking me questions, I was taking to the ambulance to get patched up. Shortly after I was allowed to leave.

“Would you like me to walk you home?” He asks me, as I start walking away from everything to go home. “Honestly, I would really appreciate that.” I nod, a small smile on my lips. I was just happy I didn’t have to go home alone.

“Thank you for saving me earlier, I really owe you my life. You’ve saved me twice now.” I’m telling him this as calmly as I can, but truth be told, I was still trembling. “Remember what I said before? I had to step in.” His words were laced with so much concern, and I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. On one hand I really appreciated it. He was so kind, and maybe that’s why he cared so much. “You know, I never got your name.” I took a second to look at him, how his hair was pushed back by the breeze, the way his eyes scanned the area in front on him. “I’m Jimin, and you?” He looked over at me too, his beautiful eyes staring back at mine. He had a kind of beauty I had never seen before. One that seemed like it didn’t belong to this world.

“I’m Y/n. It’s nice to officially meet you.” I was afraid that I’d run out of things to talk about, because I knew if I did I’d tear up, and this time I would cry. As if he sensed it, he started to make small talk with me. “Did you call your friend back. Rae, was it?” I’m surprised he’d remembered her name. I knew he’d read her name on my screen, I just didn’t think he’d care to remember. “Actually, I have not. I was so busy with work and now this, that I just haven’t had time.” He nodded, taking in the information.

“Well, just don’t keep her in the dark too long. She might worry, no?” He suggested, and I was sure Rae would worry if I ghosted her for the rest of the weekend. It would be a good idea to make time to call her. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” A sigh escaped my mouth, I was starting to feel tired. Thankfully the rest of the walk was peaceful, with him keeping me busy with his questions. I don’t think I could ever express how thankful I was towards him.

Finally, we arrived in front of my apartment complex. Just like the prior night, I stood in front of it, turning to face him. “Thank you for walking me home, and for saving me back there. I can’t tell you enough how much I am. I’m seriously in debt to you.” He shakes his head, he takes a step closer to me. “You don’t owe me anything, the fact that you’re still alive is enough.” He brushes back a strand of my hair. “Now go inside.” He turns me around and gives me a slight push. I shake my head, but continue walking. Every time I thanked him he brushed it off like it wasn’t anything big, as if it was his job to keep me safe. The rational side of me wanted to question it, but I just couldn’t find a reason to do so. No one had cared for me that way aside from Rae. Of course, my patents as well, but I was enjoying being cared about too much to question his motives. Rae had just recently come into my life. It wasn’t a feeling I was all that use to, and it was nice.

I ran up the stairs to my door, wanting to be in the comfort of my home. Desperately putting my key in and unlocking the door. I breathed relieved. My body leaned against the door once I had locked it again. I sighed loudly as I take my shoes off. As soon as I was away from Jimin I had felt the warmth leave too, making me feel the traumatic emotions of earlier again. Not knowing how I’d respond to the sudden feelings beginning to bubble up, I walked to my living room. A couple steps in and I collapsed on myself. Frantically breathing as I cried. Eyes shut closed, shaking hand over my mouth. Suddenly I felt myself inside the most inviting embrace. “It’ll be alright, you’re going to be okay.” Jimin’s voice spoke out to me.

I threw myself against him, holding onto him too desperately. “I thought I’d die! My life flashed before me, and I let myself accept death. I was ready for it…” I cried against his shoulder as he rubbed my back, soothing my pain.

“I’m here, I won’t let you get hurt. Ever.”

Am I Doing This Right?

It's been a little while since I blogged. I just didn't have the time, working on finishing my certification, kids, work, life. I felt a bit like I had a mental block or fog too. There was definitely a shift happening in my world. Couldn't really put a finger on it...but the fog started making sense recently. I am a mama to three girls. A young adult, a tween and a young child. My world is filled with their ups and downs, their transitions, their challenges...and right now, during these ages, it's a lot of transitions and growth. My oldest is about to graduate University, thinking about where they'll live, where she'll get hired as an RN. Where, benefits both of them, her and her fiance. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of places, I'm thinking of the move, how far away, the changes coming, picturing places they'll rent or maybe buy, imagining their future. A backyard maybe? All good positive, next steps of life thoughts....will we see them at Christmas? What kind of shifts will she have? All while also thinking of their wedding. Budgeting. Planning. Catering. Maybe that’s just my over excited thoughts? I am excited! My daughter is getting married and starting a career as a nurse. It makes the moments I felt like a complete failure as a mother, feel like an eternity ago, and so meaningless now.

So that's just one kiddo who's life is on my mind. My tween, well, she's only ten, but I'm starting to see a glimmer of a tweenager. I've really been paying close attention to her mood swings. Her frustrations, her attitude shifts. For awhile, I was so stressed about it, she was just easily irritated, easily frustrated, more emotional than normal, and the mother, Sherlock Holmes in me, was struggling to figure out what was going on. Well, I figured it out. It was her tablet. Now know this, I am not a person who judges, I don't care how much time other people's children spend on tablets, or what you use them for, these opinions are strictly my own, and behaviour I personally noticed in my own child.

She was on it for maybe an hour or so a day...sometimes not at all...I thought, meh, she's just watching craft videos, funny videos, but then we started noticing the attitude, the withdraw. I would notice her go from completely entranced by the screen, to pissed off at the world when she was told to put it away. Ok. I see what's happening here. So, we had a family meeting, and we eliminated tablets Monday to Friday. They're allowed to have them on Friday evenings, Saturdays on our hour long sport commute, and Sundays for an hour in the morning. I started looking at what they were watching. Kids doing stupid things. Kids lip syncing. 5 minute crafts was featuring how to turn your t shirt into a belly shirt. Or how to plump up your lips by sticking them in a plastic container??! Why are my children so interested in this. So I felt a bit like I wasn't doing my job as a parent, allowing them to watch these things. The headline 5 minute crafts. It just HAS to sneak in that useless garbage for our kids. Frustrating. I also took a look at myself. How much screen time I have. How I hear my kids say, "mom, you didn't hear me because you were on your phone", you’re right, and point taken.

We made changes. We’re back to seeing our kids actually make the crafts they watched now that the tablets are put away during the week. We’re usually on an adventure on the weekends so if there’s down time, they go on. They're back to being active and busy, and creative and the attitude has improved immensely. There's still days I'm pulling my hair out because I get "the tone" that puts us moms over the edge. Or stomping. Or fighting...I think for the most part, for having a four year age gap, they get along incredibly well. I remind myself, my middle daughter is entering some scary territory with hormones and puberty and boys, and mean girls, and body image....I remind myself that I have a really big job ahead, and it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be emotionally, physically, and mentally challenging. I've raised one teenage girl. Two more to go. We got this. And in the meantime we’ll continue to embrace the innocence ❤️

My girls are growing up in a different society. Even one that is different from when my oldest was a teen. And that wasn’t that long ago...5 years. One I'm still learning how to navigate. What is right. What is wrong. What age is right for this or that? It seems so much harder than simpler times when we were growing up. Although I'm sure mama's of the past would disagree. It was probably just as hard, just a different world. Different challenges. Different ways to deal, but parenting is universal. Teach, help, protect, guide, comfort, observe, learn, none of that has changed..

My littlest is learning to be more independent. She's letting go of me bit by bit, but still just as cautious as always. She still wants to be picked up for hugs, which thankfully, I can still pick up 44 pounds..mind you, being the last baby, I'll probably still pick her up at 74 pounds. She is very much my shadow, and places another challenge on me, making sure I'm giving the same amount of time and attention to my ten year old. AND my twenty two year old. I'm just hanging on tight as long as I can. They’re growing up so fast, and wanting less and less of me. I know. This is good. This means you're doing your job as a good mom and raising independent kids. Still doesn't take away the desire to spend every minute with them before they say "bye mom" *gulp*

The greatest joy for me is watching them through these stages and phases. Even though it's hard sometimes, it's draining, it's also rewarding, and makes me so proud. But it can be terrifying. Hoping I'm doing what's best for them. Always. Everyday. But then feeling guilty when I want space from them. Doesn't that suck! You’re at the point of exhaustion, ready to tear everyone's head off in the house, give yourself a break, and feel bad about it.

I shake my head.

No matter what though, self care is crucial.

So on top of my mind being fully occupied by my children's lives, I also need room in there for my work, for my marriage, for my friendships, most importantly for my health and well being.

To be a fly in the brain of a modern day woman. It would be incredibly fascinating! Like a room full of computers, buzzing madly, spitting out information every second of every day....and then re inputting it back into the computer to re analyze it, go over it, and spit it back out!

I have to remember to try and quiet my mind though. Stay on top of my mental health with breaks. Me time. Quiet. Running. Yoga. Coffee Dates. Massages. Facials. Reading. Uninterrupted conversations with my husband. Date nights. It's part of being a good mom, wife, friend, teacher, running on a full cup, not an empty cup. Sometimes we need a reminder though. "Hey, you know that life cup...it's about to spill" Don't you wish there was a little alarm in our brains that beeped when it was time to reboot. Instead, our reminders come in a form of illness, breakdowns, or our inner Cruella Deville's emerge.

I'm doing my best to stay on top of life’s balance. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I'm the healthiest, happiest human being, living my best life! I love my life. And I love being a writer, so I can feel like a normal mom, a normal woman, in a hurry up, noisy, busy world ❤️

Grace & Ava

Grace: ive been doing my best distracting for literally EVER, when are you gonna run off to meet your mystery married man??! Ava: Change of plan Ava: no need Grace: he had to cancel? ugh that's the WORST Ava: yeah Ava: to be expected Grace: thank god 🙏 you've got me here to cheer you up, yeah? 💜 Ava: deffo 💙 Grace: sooo what do you wanna do? literally anything obvs Ava: you can choose Grace: 👌👌🤔🤔🤔 Grace: SOMETHING on King's Road will definitely get you smiling again, babes I know it! Grace: retail therapy legit has therapy in the name, like that's not a coincidence, thank you Ava: Sounds perfect Grace: & it was a good party too like Grace: all things considered Ava: I don't throw any other kind Grace: well duh! but I was throwing the spotlight onto myself & all the cringe things I thankfully didn't do 🥂🤞 Ava: You were cool Ava: from what I recall Grace: idk but if that boy wants to hit me up again before I leave I'm not gonna be mad about it Ava: Teddy? Grace: as if that's his name though 🧸💖 how cute Ava: Yeah, he's pretty sweet Grace: don't even cos I didn't pack a gym look & I will have to 🏃 Ava: 😏🙄 Ava: make up your mind, like Grace: excuse me for not checking his nice boy credentials before we 💋 Grace: at the party he was more like 😈😈 Ava: You're crazy Ava: Fine, he's a bit of a prick, better? Grace: is he though?? Ava: He's just a typical lad, idk Ava: he's a mate but not like a best friend Grace: okay Ava: sorry Grace: ??! I'm the one who's being mental Ava: You're so fine Ava: I'm just hanging so hard Ava: gimme a sec to get myself together and sorted, yeah Grace: obvs Grace: did you hit him up last night? Ava: yeah we talked for a bit Grace: is that when he cancelled or did you get to wake up to that? Ava: no, he told me last night Grace: but you're gonna see him on Monday still, yeah? & that'll be so worth the wait Ava: Yeah, totally Ava: I didn't think we'd make the weekend anyway Grace: his 👰💍 is probs so in his face like !! nightmare Ava: exactly, who doesn't do family stuff at the weekend Ava: I'm not fussed Grace: you're so chill Grace: I totally need some of that vibe Ava: 🤷 Ava: There's no point stressing on things I can't change Grace: yeah but just cos you KNOW that doesn't mean you can just DO it Grace: I so can't anyway Ava: Shopping will help Grace: we gotta get you something so cute 😍😘😈 to wow your boyfriend Ava: He's not my boyfriend, first-off Ava: 🤵💍 remember Ava: but secondly, duh Grace: 😂 Grace: I hope that call was a facetime btw babes cos you looked AMAZING Grace: & I'm taking SO MUCH credit Ava: It was and yes 😘 Ava: drink definitely did not do me favours but it was not mortifyingly bad Grace: the awkward moment when your boyfriend is a sober dad Ava: ignoring you Grace: oh please Grace: you're so into him Ava: like you said, it's obviously not a longterm thing Grace: honey NEVER take dating advice from me! 😱😱😱 Ava: it wasn't advice, it was realistic Ava: like what, I'm gonna be his mistress? Ava: it's just fun Grace: 👌👌 like that's never happened, you could totally be his mistress Grace: he'd be so lucky tbh Ava: yeah, he would Ava: too much aggro though Grace: I feel that Grace: his wifey could try & 🔪🔪 you Ava: Right? Ava: I'm good Ava: she can lose him herself Grace: 👏👑 Ava: Saint was much less annoying when he couldn't talk as much Grace: IKR?! Grace: ugh boys they never know when to shh Ava: thank god that one can't talk yet Grace: 😂 she's sassy with it already though 🤷💅 Ava: yeah that's a word for it Grace: OMG how old is your man's 👶 cos you know that's OBVS the last time they hooked up Ava: I'm not sure Ava: about the same, maybe a bit younger? Grace: & did you ever find out if he was getting with any of the other girls when you did the uni thing? Ava: Nah he wasn't trying to get on anyone else Ava: not claiming I'm the first or anything ridiculous, he's cheated on her plenty but that week specifically Grace: why does he sound so PURE?! like 🥺💖 Ava: 😂 Grace, he's a serial cheater Grace: yeah but who isn't babes Ava: I've never Ava: 'til now, obviously Grace: you aren't even now there's no 💍 on your finger, girl Grace: & same but I'd need a boyfriend for that sooo Ava: I am 'cos I know he's in a relationship Ava: 💍 and all Ava: can't be pleading any fake ignorance Grace: but you also know she's a psychotic bitch & he's 💔 yeah? Ava: yeah Ava: but that's his excuse, reason, whatever Ava: what's mine Grace: he's hot but also adorable & you like him Grace: duh Ava: 'course Ava: I don't think that clears my good name though 😏 Ava: but idc Grace: join me over here with my bad rep Ava: 👌👌 Ava: draw the line at going out like this though Ava: I need a bath Grace: I won't stage a hoe intervention like I got but yeah true you don't need to be looking like you're doing a walk of shame Ava: I doubt you could be more convincing than I am, no offense Grace: rude! Ava: you've been so blatantly pro this entire situation it'd be disingenuous by default to change sides now, nothing personal Grace: can you NOT throw big words at me rn you're not the only one who partied too hard like Ava: 😘😘 okay truce Grace: 💜 Grace: I have to figure out which boy I want to be blowing my phone up, so excuse you Ava: Enjoy 💙 Grace: mhmm 🙄🙄 Grace: so not fml Ava: how do you cope Grace: idk babes idk Ava: 🥇 Grace: 👑

Ali & Ro

Ali: One of your kids is here??? Ro: Oh no! Ro: I double checked everyone was aware of the cancellations and everything Ali: You know what people are like, probably received but didn't actually read/listen to the message, like Ali: I'll quickly get in before ma can be her charming self any harder Ro: Thank you Ali: [allow time for that] Ali: Done Ali: Why'd you have to cancel anyway? Ro: Sadly I have yet to master being able to be in two places at once, especially when one of those places is so ridiculously far away Ro: What's more surprising though is that you've remained at home for long enough shepherd my pupil in and out for me without assumedly cursing Tess Ali: Ugh, I feel that Ali: until we're blessed with time-turners, we'll all have to muddle through Ali: and I've been there enough myself to guess where you are, so I won't pout about any potential adventures you could've been on Ali: everyone is DOA and MIA today, plus if I let her shout at me for long enough she might not ground me forever 🤞 Ro: Indeed Ro: Well, I can't deny that would be very much appreciated as I've been subjected to plenty of pouting already as things stand Ro: You can let her know that I'll be making my grand return soon enough which will at the very least give her another target should she desire one Ali: You can probably ignore him, he's just feeling the ill-effects of a 3-day bender, like Ali: some hydration and vitamin c and he'll be over it Ali: can't say the same of mother but my sins definitely outweigh yours Ali: though the offer is appreciated 💚 Ro: He's very much fine in that regard I'd been assured prior to my arrival and of course did my part to truly make it so by making him a late lunch or early dinner once I got there Ro: Regrettably, that offer was taken very much not in the manner it was intended Ro: The tally of my sins therefore apparently exceed the number of yours, in Drew's eyes at any rate Ali: Sounds like Drew Ali: you spoil him Ali: Caleb's mum made him work today, as he was too sick for school Ro: All I've spoilt is his afternoon seemingly Ro: Yet again, I'm a waste of time Ali: Hey Ali: don't take on his bad mood just 'cos he's mad he didn't get what he wanted Ali: you know it's bullshit Ro: None of his grievances are unfounded Ro: I shouldn't break promises Ro: Even if I did make them for less than ideal reasons Ali: No, but you know Ali: you have those reasons regardless Ro: And he has his own reasons to be upset Ali: Which you're clearly giving a fuck about Ali: so he owes you the same in return, yeah Ro: Of course, but his anger is fuelled by how much he does care, obviously Ro: It's because he likes me so much that he wants to take things further than they are Ali: Partly Ali: but I don't think anyone can say that that's all it is Ali: not to discredit how he feels in any way Ali: if anything, it takes into consideration all aspects Ro: He is the only one who can address that with any degree of clarity but its a conversation we're unlikely to have for a while Ali: I'm sure it won't be anything like that long Ro: That almost sounds as if you are in fact discrediting how he feels but I have no desire to get into a disagreement with you about the one I just had with him Ali: No, I'm saying he's nothing if not persistent Ali: trust me, he'll get over it if he has any sense Ro: It's less about the sense he possesses and more about the degree to which my own has abandoned me Ali: Do you regret the fact you didn't or regret the fact you were considering it? Ro: Both regrets somehow exist side by side and I have no idea how that can be Ro: Or which of the many internal voices vocalising my many mistakes I should begin to listen to Ali: Sounds about right Ali: are you in love with him? Ro: Yes Ali: Yeah Ali: it's Ali: the worst kind of headfuck Ali: amongst many other things Ro: What would you do in my place? Ali: About what Ali: specifically Ro: My next move Ro: He says I won't lose him but I know it's more likely than not Ro: Especially now that Carly has her own caravan to host in Ali: You shouldn't do it if that's the only reason why Ali: doing it because you're fearful of any outcome is just a bad idea Ali: it should always be primarily that you want to Ro: I do want to but I also don't want to Ro: It's complicated Ali: It is Ali: it might stop being complicated Ali: or you might do it before it does Ali: either of those is fine and valid Ro: What if it doesn't and I can't? Ali: You will Ali: if you want to, then you will Ali: I said it was the most important factor but definitely not the only, not even close Ali: it's complex but you know, like most things, stressing upon it will never make it less so Ro: I suppose Ali: It's like all this stuff isn't it Ali: thinking you'll never get your period and then it just happens Ali: we've all got our own pace for all of it Ro: And my pace is several steps behind always Ro: Maybe next time I should just go to the party Ali: Well his is coming up so Ali: you will be at that one Ro: Oh my god, don't remind me I haven't even begun brainstorming gifts yet Ali: 😂 Ali: you do have time Ali: but it might distract you from this worry so have at it Ro: You're so fortunate that Caleb's is ages away Ali: I know Ali: so much of me cannot hack that, I'd actually die Ro: After emerging from Carly's mostly unscathed, you could be forgiven for believing yourself immortal, I'm sure Ali: It was pretty hectic Ali: not sure if I'd say life-threateningly so but keep that between us Ali: could tell ma though Ali: keep her from hysteria Ro: I'll use that as my conversational opener when I come in if you'd like Ali: Subtle, cheers Ali: tell her there were no recreational drugs or pre-maritial relations too, whilst you're at it Ro: Carly would appreciate the lack of, I'm certain Ro: More so than Tess would my attempts at such a clearly crafted lie Ali: Can't win with her, like Ali: don't lead with that though Ali: even if that's a truth Ro: It's the kind of day I'm having Ro: I'll simply wish on everything possible that the losses extend to calories as well Ali: Don't waste the magic Ali: I know you skipped lunch Ro: You know because I told you I was busy running around after Drew Ali: Exactly Ro: Nonetheless, I've spent more time on this bus than anything else Ro: It's a pity I can't transfigure my bike here Ali: it seems like a good idea until it starts chucking it down halfway Ro: True, I'd be unlikely to garner any sympathy or permission for more time off from Tess even if I caught my death Ali: Seriously Ali: if she has to see any of us tomorrow at all, she might actually lose it completely Ali: what with Bea and Fraze being their delightful selves all weekend too Ali: the only ones not on the shit list rn are Tommy and Joe and that's only through absence Ro: Precisely Ro: Much like how the idea of finding birthday gifts for Drew is favorable after the nightmarish pursuit we all have to endure in order to provide something that Bea will undoubtedly dislike and return where possible Ali: 😂 s'why I kick it homemade Ali: good luck finding any takers for my sentimental tat, babe Ali: bless Ro: Alas the memory of my childish homemade cards finding their way to the recycling bin earlier than I feel necessary haunts me still Ro: Did Carly like what you made for her though? Ali: 😞 Ali: Yes, thankfully she's far more receptive and forthcoming with her thanks Ali: and the caravan looks amazing Ali: looked, I HOPE everyone kept out Ro: It would be difficult for her not to be, Bea, of course, is without competition in that regard Ro: I was impressed by the pictures despite being well aware of your artistic eye and resourcefulness in gathering materials Ro: Perhaps you should take and utilise all the magic yourself immediately Ro: Protection spells have been employed and succeeded for less Ali: True Ali: and a good idea to boot Ali: I better do it remotely Ali: aside from me leaving the house for anything but school and work rn being a deathwish, I'm not sure of the state I'd find the residents in, like Ro: Hm, yes arguably that is an even better idea Ali: Obviously, I do not plan to be her prisoner for long Ali: but for a great escape, I need even greater plans on the outside Ro: It would be my pleasure to extend such an offer, dear sister, but my own flight of fancy earlier did little else but backfire so it's best I stay under lock and key until I feel suitably chastised Ro: Either by Tess or myself Ali: Self-flagellation is next to godliness, of course Ali: I'll think of something Ro: I have no doubt that you will Ro: But whilst the subject of faltering has been raised, can I ask you something? Ali: of course Ali: scientia potentia est Ro: I was just wondering if you spent much time with Drew this weekend, that's all Ali: Not a huge amount Ali: but I saw him about, doing his thing Ali: if I saw anything like that I would've kicked his arse and told you Ali: in that exact order Ro: Okay Ro: Well, thank you Ali: Of course Ali: sisterhood before everything Ali: especially boys Ro: My favorite religion and the one to which I've been devoted to for the longest and most faithfully Ali: 💚 Ali: What's your ETA? Ro: 13 and a half minutes Ali: Ooh precise Ali: that'll please the jailer Ali: tell her 15 and you'll be back in the good books when you're arse is up the table without her even having to shout up the stairs Ali: 👍 Ro: I already told her 21 minutes so I have enough time to fix my face somewhere that isn't a very full bus Ro: She doesn't need to know that I've been crying Ali: 😕 Ali: Cold water fixes all Ali: we can talk about it properly after Ali: feels like forever Ro: It's not too late to pray for a summer storm Ro: Though it seems everyone misses me until they get the opportunity to spend time with me, so I might be wise to adjust my prayers accordingly actually Ali: Not everyone Ali: just him Ali: and just because he's mad Ali: we'll tea and talk, promise Ro: As long as you share too Ali: I gotcha Ali: you wanna hear all the fantastical and sordid exploits Ro: Fantastical yes, sordid not so much Ali: 😂 Ali: I'll do my best to spin the yarn into something comfortable and befitting Ali: don't worry Ro: Being guaranteed one less thing to overthink about will forever be appreciated Ali: That's my job Ali: one of Ali: labour of love, really Ro: tá mé i ngrá leat freisin Ali: 💚💚💚 Ali: right, I got a table to set Ali: not gonna know what's hit her Ali: Rock even agreed not to throw any spaghetti up the wall Ali: providing I buy him sweets for a week Ro: I'm in awe of your power whether or not she will be Ali: whether a six-year-old can stick to a deal is another thing Ali: did threaten him with a broken pinkie so 🤞 Ro: I'll likewise threaten him with the type of hex befitting a 6 year old promise breaker if needs be Ali: 💀🐸🐀🕯🥀💀 Ro: Our minds have always worked in similar ways, that's a truth which deserves to be universally acknowledged Ro: But for now, go Ro: There will be plenty of time for talking later