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#technically vday special

ro4dlj · 2 months

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LXL 25TH!

No i did not almost forget to post this per usual /j

It’s been 2 years since my ocxoc ship was created… wow, one heck of a ride isn’t it? To think they were created over some silly fruit horror game

“Rendering” style is inspired by Jes btw:3 (artist who works on pm & lgts)

Stay fresh!

#art #digital art #ibispaintx #andys apple farm #ocs #oc x oc ship #oc x oc art #oc x oc #andys apple farm oc #SunsetLover #technically vday special #happy late vdays #LXL 25TH #LxL

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pascals-doll · 3 months

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candy

ellie williams x reader

🫧 happy valentines day to all my beautiful followers | enjoy this vday special 🩷 am i uploading this ar midnight because a bitch had classes and work yes but its valentines (was technically) IM GGONNA WRITE AN ELLIE FIC 🧘‍♀️

🫧 inspired by the song candy by doja cat | bed of roses PT2

🫧 description: fluffy, cute surprises, reader knows how to know paint a bit, just fluff, cute fluff,ellie sings to you (i took the scene from the game because i cherish it sm) smut, SLUT SMUT💋, power dynamic, dom!ellie, sub!reader, you and ellie live together, reader is PUSSYHUNGRY (mmm im so- i would do anything for that tsunami), reader eats out ellie on stairs (you’re welcome), fingering, praises, no use of y/n, use of petnames like doll, mama, and good girl, very little degradation, hair pulling, clit sucking, face grinding, cum eating, just ellie getting eaten so good! enjoy

She's just like candy, she's so sweet

but you know that it ain't real cherry

know that it ain't real cherry

🫧

it was valetines day today which meant ellie got to spoil you rotten; it is very well- deserved.

you would always be very thoughtful with your gifts.

this valentines day, you sneakily woke up around 1 AM and worked until dawn on customizing a wooden workstation that you got her for her artwork.

you knew you had work in the morning but you would do anything for the woman who’s protected you, provided for you, and pleased you.

you painted the workstation very carefully a dark earth-green. you let each coat of paint dry before beginning to carefully paint details on it.

you were going to paint symbols for each of her favorite memories onto it. you took references from her own beautiful drawings.

one of the details you painted were the beginning of Joel’s; now her guitar, painting even the moth.

one of the guitar strings then ran around the whole work-station, dragging the brush till the end.

you began to draw small moths and different flowers with herbs carefully placing them along the string line.

lastly, finishing it up by drawing a silhouette of the both of your bodies intertwined, then painting an outline of ellie’s knife and joel’s gun side by side on the side of her workbench.

once you were done, you carved both of your initials into the side of the workbench.

you transfered all of her essentials from the small broken down drawers; that could barely hold up to her made with so much love customized workstation.

you made your way back into your shared warm bed, careful not to wake up ellie.

sunrise made its way into the sky, ellie waking up now as you now slept.

ellie noticed you got up in the middle of the night, searching for your warmth but she shrugged it off before knocking into slumber again.

ellie got up very quietly, planting a kiss on your head before heading into her work room to get her guitar.

she walked into her art room, stepping as she scans the room. she immediately stopped in her steps, her eyes falling onto your beautiful workstation.

ellie’s heart pounds outside of her chest, tears wanting to form in her hazel eyes as a rush of emotions take over her.

she walks around the small wooden dark-green station, her handing brushing it softly as she takes in your designs.

she couldnt help but think about although you had work sadly on valetines day, you still did this for her.

this was bigger than the world to ellie.

you were the most perfect girl and if one thing was for certain, ellie would be spending an eternity of valetine’s day with you.

🫧

I can be your sugar when you're fiendin' for that sweet spot

Put me in your mouth, baby, and eat it 'til your teeth rot

I can be your cherry, apple, pecan,

or your key lime

Baby, I got everything and so much more than she's got

you were now currently at work, you hated how you got called in today.

you asked ellie if she was going to be good with you going to work today, in which she responded by pulling down your panties.

lets just say, you had a very pleasant morning before going into work.

while you were away at work, ellie got to work on her surprise because eating your cum for breakfast wasn’t enough.

she went to almost all the floral shops she could, selling them out of their pink and red roses.

ellie covered the entryway with petals, even the staircase that leads upstairs, and leading all the way up into your room.

the living room, she had a fairy lights hung along with pink lit candles on the ground.

ellie had a huge case of flowers waiting for you, wrapped in the arrangement of your inital.

that was only the downstairs, your room was filled with more surprises.

your shared bed was covered in rose petals, a couple small gifts waiting for you while your surprise gift was tucked away by ellie.

ellie finished up any last miniute preparations before you came home from work.

she changed from her pj shirt and boyshorts from this morning to a flannel with a black-tee and some baggy shorts that exposed her Calvin Klein lining.

She's just like candy, she's so sweet

But you know that it ain't real cherry, know that it ain't real cherry

She's just like candy, she's so sweet (She's so sweet)

But you know that it ain't real, know that it ain't real

🫧

you came home a bit exhausted but excited because you picked up a teddy bear that held a heart with the writing “i love u” on it from a street vendor, leaving your job.

once you made it home, beginning to turn the keys to step through your front door.

you open the door to see your beautiful auburn-hair girlfriend.

she was sitting there on your shared loveseat, her beautiful fingers strumming her guitar.

the melodious tone from the strums of her guitar strumming the song your love for each other shares.

she began to sing softly “talking away” your hand cant help but go ovee your mouth as you felt tears begin to form.

the sound of her silky voice singing through your ears, making your heart pound and face hot.

“today’s another day to find you”

you could listen to ellie sing for the rest of your life, tears were already streaming down your face. ellie couldn’t look you in the eyes while she sang because if she did, she wouldn’t be able to finish.

you made her heart go a million miles per minute like a schoolgirl crush.

you made her stomach flutter like she was born with a butterfly nest inside her.

you made her soul shine like the sun after never-ending rain.

ellie finished serenating you, putting her guitar down

she finally looked up at you, clutching a teddy bear with tears streaming down your face.

before ellie could say anything, you ran into her arms; immediately taking you in to her embrace.

this was a feeling words couldn’t express, but only actions.

your heart felt like it was going to pop out of your chest with the clash of ellie’s lips onto yours.

you weren’t alone with ellie barely being able to catch her breath but so desperate for you.

the way your lips moved with such hasty movement but yet still passionately and amorously.

you began to walk towards the staircase, lips not leaving a moment. your eyes slightly opening time to time to make sure you were guiding you and ellie correctly.

“all i wanted-“ you began but were interrupted by her lips again.

“all day was to” ellie pulled away momentarily to let you continue.

“come home to this” you whined out against her lips, your tongue slightly licking over them.

🫧

Sugar coated, lies unfolded, you still lick the wrapper

It's addictive, you know this, but you still lick the wrapper

Sugar coated, lies unfolded, you still lick the wrapper

It's addictive, you know this, but you still lick the wrapper

you were fillied with arousal and need to please as you dropped to your knees…on the staircase. you could careless at this given moment.

your hands ran through her back, feeling each crevess of each toned muscle, then coming back around to her arms.

you gave her strong-toned arms a soft squeeze before having them go up to her chest. you needed to have her.

“doll i got a surprise in the room, lets-” ellie begins but you didn’t care.

“no” you said, looking her in the eyes as you unzip and unbutton her shorts “right here, right now” you whine out, pulling down ellie shorts completely.

ellie would be lying if she said you dying to eat her out on each other’s staircase wasn’t the hottest thing, especially on fucking valentine’s day.

it was you, how could she deny you.

“that desperate, mama?” she teases you as you peck her toned abdomen. you gave her a slight whimper as you nod.

she brings herself down to sit on the stairs, grabbing you by your jaw to pull you in for a kiss.

your lips meet again, your hand traveling down into her boxers immediately feeling seeping slick cunt “you drive me insane” you moan out, your mind was so drunk by her.

she had you high on her scent, taste, look, and touch. anything ellie did could have you on your knees, just like this.

your fingers begin to rub her clit in circular motion causing her breathing to hitch and soft moans of content escape her mouth as your lips travel down to her neck.

you begin to suck on the skin as your fingers massaged her clit, slightly putting pressure here and there causing ellie to let out gentle-yet-loud groan.

ellie’s hips began to rise to meet your hand “my beautiful doll-s’good f’me” she mumbled under her breathy moans.

you were sure you left her a purpletrail from her neck leading into her shoulder before going down a couple more steps.

you waste no time in pulling off her boxers, meeting with her wet pussy “s’pretty els, i love you.” you were just completely dazed by ellie at this point, wanting to please her and have her taste on you for days.

“you gonna drool or eat up, doll?” ellie smirks, she knew the effect she had on you and it made you fiend to please her even more.

your hands go to spread her thighs open a bit more before diving your head in between her legs. you met face to face with her juiced pussy, her slick coating your tongue as you lick a stripe.

“ah fuck, doll!” ellie moans out, her hips slightly bucking against your face as her hand had a grip on your hair.

the way you were on your knees on these steps buried into ellie’s pussy, your tongue collects her juices as you begin to swirl your tongue around her clit sucking softly.

she tasted just like candy, you grab her one of her thighs, hooking it up to balance on your shoulder.

the wider angle made her throw her head back “s’fuck doll! just like that. eat it just like that.” her vile voice praising the way you took the way she slopped her pussy against your tongue.

ellie began to work herself towards her orgasm on your tongue, her hand following the movement of your head.

you ate her out like this was your last meal, not wanting to let a single drop “god fuck-y-you’re insane!” she whined out as you worked you fucked her with yout tongue.

ellies stomach stomach flexes, her toned abdomen becoming more prominent as her breathy moans turn into pants and loud gutteral moans as you took your free hand; licking her asshole all the way up to her clit.

“fuck fuck fuck, doll! s’such a good girl” ellie’s hand swore she could’ve pulled your hair our by now but you could careless, the only thing on your mind was making this woman cum.

she deserved the way you ate her with delight, completely letting her use your face for her orgasm.

your nails dig into her thigh as you feel yourself slowly loosing your breath; but you were not leaving till she had came all over your face.

“s’close god! youre such a fuckin’ slut f’me.” her orgasm finally riding out.

“atta girl, lick it all up again.” she praises, pulling you back up from her pussy to her lips, tasting herself momentarily before her hand finds the back of your head guiding you to the white cum-beed that seaped out of her now fucked-out hole.

you licked her from asshole up, completely picking up her cum onto the tip on tongue causing you moan out as your lips were wrapped around her.

once you pulled away meeting her eyes, her cum covering your lips causing your face to glisten lightly.

“you’re a demon” ellie brings you into her embrace on the stairs.

“its not my fault you’re my favorite candy”

🫧

She's just like candy, she's so sweet

But you know that it ain't real cherry, know that it ain't real cherry

She's just like candy, she's so sweet

a/n > part 2 ??? 😇

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detective-giggles · 1 year

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WIP Game

Thank you to @welcometololaland for the tag! I blame my beloveds @noxsoulmate, @chaotictarlos, and @tailoredshirt for all of these. I’m certain at least one of them encouraged everything that’s *gestures vaguely*

Also- please don’t judge me for what’s going to happen below. It’s been a long time since I’ve played, but I have actually finished a few fics and started new ones so why not. (I’m stalling, trying to figure out how to organize this and I realize that like my google docs, there is no organization to be had.) 90% of these are bingo fills.

And if you don’t want to ask about a fic, you’re welcome in my inbox to say hi anyway!

[Rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! And then tag as many people as you have wips.]

1. VDay 2. AU Weekend 3. Untitled Document 1: Just a little hurt/comfort that takes place vaguely between 1x05 and 1x08 4. Untitled Document 2: The beginning of the fill for the “Nurse TK” square on my 911 bingo. Featuring Tia Lucy. 5. Don’t Leave me 6. Ice Skating Enemies to Lovers 7. Whatever (again we’re not judging) 8. :) 9. Untitled Document 3: Technically the start to a square on my Kinky Things Happen Bingo. 10. Yeah yeah 11. Untitled Document 4: (i’m kind of excited to continue this). Fills the Trapped in an Elevator square on my 911 bingo. With extra-special guest: Lou the Lizard! 12. Food Truck AU 13. Witness Protection AU 14. Date Night Cooking 15. :):):( (Yes, that’s the actual doc name) 16. Carlos brings TK lunch 17. Soulmate Goose 18. Tumblr request(not tarlos) 19. Dancing with the Stars AU 20. More random shit 21. Private Chef Carlos 22. Meet cute-ish 23. Comfortember 5 24. Outnumbered in a fight 25. Another Comfortember (november isn’t over yet right? right) 26. Tumblr Date request: 27. Mistaken Identity 28. Breathplay 29. Sexytime hc 30. BTHB I’m fine 31. surprise party 32. TK Cemetery 33. Soulmate AU 34. Chicken Pox 35. Untitled Tarlos Angst (hahaha. I mean, considering so many of these other fics are titled?!?!!) Ohhh my god.

#WIP game #ask me stuffs?#This isn't even all of them #but #now i will panic over my unfinished fics instead of you know #finishing a fic #be a writer they said it’ll be fun they said

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hushhushplzzz · 8 months

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I loved your analysis of Terri Porter as a character and her relationship with Gina and potential relationship with Ricky. Just wanted to ask if you had any idea about the Valentine's Day chocolates. Because even if Terri and Ricky have not officially met before, the implication seems to be that they have had a conversation centred around Gina before 4×07. At a period of time that Terri now knows Gina was not very happy during because of this very boy. Do you think that interaction could have accounted for the obvious tension between them in Gina's bedroom? Apart from everything else.

Asking the hard questions I see haha 😅

the implication seems to be that they have had a conversation centred around Gina before 4x07

So the only info we have regarding Ricky and Terri’s possible connection in the chocolates ordeal is:

The way I kinda see it? If we’re being technically technical, there isn’t actually explicit implication that she’s had a conversation with Ricky before, much less about getting Gina chocolates. All she mentions is what’s in the above screenshot text message, and though you could potentially connect the two given the timeline of events (and I know I and many others did back in the day), it’s still not confirmed. Could still be anything that allowed her to find a way to send it last minute. We have the screenshot of the old script idea which did confirm it, but the thing is, like the hoco car scene no-one-saw-it-coming smooch that got scrapped and Jennzara talking in the middle of LYF and I’m sure countless other early scripts, this Ricky confession was scrapped too. So for all intents and purposes, Ricky never canonically interacted with Gina’s mom until the Halloween party in s4.

If they’d ever had any kind of communication prior to s4 encounters, we wouldn’t have gotten this brutal ass scene:

Gina introduces him for the first time, and the name drop doesn’t spark any recognition on Terri’s face at all. Plus, Ricky nods after Gina says “I don’t think you two have ever met”. So I don’t think they’ve interacted at all before.

Do you think that interaction could have accounted for the obvious tension between them in Gina’s bedroom?

(As in… like most moms wouldn’t be, Terri wasn’t pleased that Ricky’s girlfriend having ass got her daughter chocolates on VDay the way a boyfriend would lmao?)

I have 3 overall thoughts:

1) I personally don’t think it was a factor. When Gina tells her mom about the last several months and what went down, at the time, she herself still doesn’t even know Ricky gave her the chocolates so Terri wouldn’t know that Ricky was involved. Ricky doesn’t show up with the new box until later that evening, so could she have learned that later? Sure, but I don’t think so. My general view is that this potential Ricky/Terri collab is a plot hole Tim just wants us to forget about and move on from lol, evidenced by Ricky just dropping the box of chocolates on the ground and it never being addressed directly. Seems like one of those things that were scrapped or changed in scripts, but previous occurrences/dialogue etc was not accounted for to corroborate this adjustment. (For example, Kourtney saying Ricky and Nini met in the 7th grade, a dialogue point that is then later confused by them being revealed as childhood friends from a young age at the end of the season).

2) They could still have collab’ed. In which case, the argument now becomes how to prove that she did recognise Ricky’s name which is a little harder. But in that case, if the collab is canon, I would choose as possible evidence the fact that Terri kind of goes from recoiling when Ricky taps her arm to addressing him with a "warm" smile (warm for Terri). That maybe she does remember the dear friend who got her daughter chocolates and so he gets “special treatment” with direct interaction instead of the borderline dismissive way she generally acts towards the theatre group. Because in this whole scene, she doesn't look at anyone else in the room at all until right before she leaves and even then it's just a quick glance and smile. But she looks at Ricky straight on lmao, hence "special treatment".

So in that case, yeah, the chocolates might be a factor in her disdain in e7, barring other issues she has with him. Knowing he did the nice gesture for her daughter could also explain why she seems kind of fond of him in that confrontation in Gina’s room despite having barely talked. A 'he may not meet her standards as a boyfriend for her daughter, but he exceeds every expectation for her daughter as a friend and she still is grateful for that' type of thing.

And 3) I headcanon with my sis that Terri actually did send Gina some fancy chocolate package or gift outside of Ricky through some delivery service, but her gift got delivered to the wrong address. It would explain why Terri texted so late at night: she'd checked tracking and seen the package was delivered, but didn't receive a confirmation text from Gina all day and evening that she’d gotten the gift that likely had a card attached. If it had been delivered to the right place, Gina would have gotten two chocolate gifts that night. And with this headcanon, it removes Ricky being involved with Terri’s plan in any capacity, it explains Terri’s last minute gift of chocolates to Gina, keeps Ricky as the sole giver of the box we did see, and keeps the chocolates drama from s2 (Gina thinking it was from her mom and Ricky’s stupid joking about something he really did do), and thus, solves the plot hole lol.

All this to say, that after s4, I do see some part of Terri’s reluctance to accept Ricky as overprotectiveness because he’s hurt Gina in the past, however unintentional, but I don’t think the chocolates play a role. The way everything went down, I don’t personally think we’re supposed to connect Ricky and Terri in the chocolate narrative point anymore, but I could obviously be wrong! Nothing was confirmed so sky’s the limit on whatever we want to imagine.

Thanks for the ask and for reading that meta! :3

#ricky x gina #asks #yes she does speak sometimes

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sunb0rn · 1 year

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normal ba na di ko trip mag celeb ng vday na tipong date sa labas, exchanging gifts, with a boyfriend if i have one? just the thought of it hindi sold sa akin.

may post ako ft. B about this last year. parehas kasi kami.

dont get me wrong, natutuwa ako makakita ng vday celebs ng couples especially if they spent it maybe in a unique way or may extra special na nangyare sa kanila. pati pag makakita ng girls na may flowers, chocolates at teddy bear on thay day feels nice kahit never ko yun naexperience.

pero yon never ko naimagine sarili ko really planning or looking forward na maexperience yon.

pinaka idea ko na ng vday celeb with a boyfriend would be watching romcoms na parehas namin pipiliin. technically, celeb pa din yon pero few years ago ko nalang naisip yon. siguro ayaw ko lang talaga lumabas on that day?? pero pag girl na friends and fam goods lang saken. idk.

ang arte ko ba??

eto kasi, may plan kami mag museum nila Rochelle at Padua sa 14. mag aabsent pa nga ako kasi si Pads may gusto kalimutan na memory on that day. gusto ko talaga pag bigyan si Pads, pambawi na din sa pag susungit ko sa knya minsan at siempre pasasalamat sa pagdamay especially 2021 kaso biglang baka hindi daw pwede si Rochelle.

ayun, sabi ko wag nalang muna if di talaga siya pwede. sa akin goods lang na kami lang mag gala or "date" ni Pads basta hindi valentines. HAHAHAHA

#thoughts #convo

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zodiyack · 4 years

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Fanged Kisses (Vday Special)

Pairing: Michael Emerson x reader

Warnings: Small swearing, vampires, technical mention of murder, fluff

Taglist:

Masterlist

Mikey slung his arm over Y/n as they walked down the boardwalk. “What do you want to eat?”

“I don’t really know... I mean, Michael. You’re a,” She lowered her voice to a whisper, “vampire.”

“Yes. And?”

“What do you want to eat?”

He itched the back of his neck and took his sunglasses off. “I...I don’t really know. I’m craving odd things.” They stopped and Y/n grabbed Michael’s hand, leading him to Star and the rest.

“Alright. If you can’t pick, what do you boys want? I’m buying.” Paul opened his mouth to speak, but Y/n held up a finger, not even turning to look at him. “And before you ask, no I will not pay more than $10 for each person.”

“We’re fine Y/n, thank you for asking. Although, if Laddie and Star want anything?...” His head turned to said pair, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

The two remained silent, but Laddie silently walked over to Y/n and held his arms up. She picked him up into her arms and rested him onto her hip. Y/n wasn’t stupid. She knew that the boys rarely ate something that wasn’t the life of a human being. Laddie hadn’t officially had his first kill, so he and Star, who was the same, preferred human food like Y/n.

“What about you bubba?” she bounced him on her hip. “What would you like to eat. You can whisper it if you want, so that these stinky boys don’t know.” Laddie’s giggles filled her right ear as the scoffs from the boys, including Michael, sounded in her left. “Oh shut up, like you boys don’t know how disgusting you are.”

“You’ve got a point.” Marko agreed.

Laddie whispered some food ideas into her ear before she nodded and kissed his cheek. “Well. Laddie and I have thought about it and we’ve made our decision. We... want Star to pick.”

The girl’s eye widened and she looked around for any sign that it was a joke. Sadly, no signs came. “Uh-”

“Relax Star. We’re kidding. You can help us though. We’re stuck on that one place that has the good y/f/f or the other place near Max’s store.”

“The first option” Star was quick to speak. It was known fact that the pair, as well as Y/n and a few of the boys weren’t too fond of Max. Sure, he took them in, but it didn’t mean he completely earned their favor. With someone like Max, who knew how long it’d take.

“Good idea.” Y/n set Laddie down and let him walk back to Star. The brunette wrapped her arms around the younger boy and moved them up and down, the motion supposedly warming him from the nip of the night’s cold embrace. Now that Y/n thought about it, she also was getting cold. “Michael...” she dragged out the L. “I’m c-cold.”

“Here,” Michael took off his leather jacket and handed it to Y/n, resting it on her shoulders and leaving a kiss against her hairline. She groaned as a response, and he knew exactly why, moving and placing a kiss on her lips. A smile replaced the pout and she leaned into him.

“So. We leaving or are you two gonna continue?” Michael glared at David and hugged Y/n closer to him. Her face was red and hot, but she got the hint and wrapped her arms around Michael.

“We’ll go. Come on Y/n.” She followed him and hopped on the back of his bike, moving her arms around his waist and resting her head on his back.

“Mikey?”

“Yes?”

She looked away for a second. They hadn’t even left yet, so the rest of the group turned to her to hear what she had to say. “It’ll be cold...do you want your jacket back?”

He chuckled sweetly and shook his head. After a small kiss and wink, the jacket was secured onto Y/n’s body and they took off. The wind was blowing, Michael’s curls greeting the wind back. Of course, with Y/n’s face hidden in his mid back, she was avoiding having too much wind whack her in the face.

Soon enough, they arrived and sat down. The waitress gave small looks to the boys and cooed over Laddie. It made them all pretty damn uncomfortable. Michael held Y/n’s hand on the table, attempting to find comfort and to make it obvious he was spoken for. A few seconds after the food had been served, Y/n rested her head on Michael’s shoulder and sighed.

“You okay babe?”

“Yeah... can I have a bite of your food?”

“Y/n- You have some y/f/f though-”

“As your girlfriend, it is my duty to steal your food.” He chuckled and shrugged, moving his arm to let her dig in with her fork. “Than you cutie. I love you.”

“I love you too dork. Happy Valentines day.” He kissed her softly and held it there for a bit. They separated after the waitress came back and coughed loudly. The other four boys broke into laughter and the rest of the night was spent with much hand holding, hugs and kisses between Michael and Y/n.

And you can guess what happened to that waitress. What? David and his brothers had to eat too!

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gay-decepticon · 4 years

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So near as I can tell in idw2:

Everyone is a cop because all of the other jobs have been eliminated. You can’t be a builder (see galaxies, they all get exiled), the food reclamation seems to be managed by just Wheeljack — so no more jobs there, entertainment industries seem to be cut (vday special, main comic 15), there’s a lot of jobs that obviously won’t exist in current conditions (food jobs or retail both rely on people being trusted to buy things for themselves).

So everyone is left with the option of becoming a politician, becoming a cop, or being unemployed in some way. Everyone is bored shitless because everything interesting to do is illegal by and large, leading to more people either becoming cops because they need a hobby or taking up a technically illegal pastime (because everything interesting to do is illegal — a lot of these “criminal acts” are bs like eating a bigger meal)

What I’m curious about: why are they seemingly unconcerned with the unemployed people? One would think in a society this paranoid that they would have some kind of basic activity people were at least in theory supposed to be doing....? To avoid the kind of civil unrest they’re facing in current canon....

#idw2 #maccadam #transformers

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lilacflamesss · 6 years

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Shattered (Chapter 8)

Smutty Ayahina College AU

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (9.8k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters. As of this moment, this fic also contains hints of infidelity.

A/N: I really need to go so I’ll make this short. I meant to post this 2 hours ago but I have some technical difficulties and tumblr sucks basically. Anyway, thank you everyone for all your patience and thank you for supporting this fic! We’re reaching the end soon. Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Preview:

Hinami almost laughs. It’s just that ridiculous. “Big brother?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re… kidding, right?”

She doesn’t think she’s seen Touka with an expression like this before. It almost makes her blood run cold. Touka’s eyes burn into her and Hinami feels a chill run down her spine. What kind of an atmosphere is this; what kind of a sudden change is this? She wants to turn back time and to take back the wish that she had made for Kaneki to come up in the conversation. This isn’t what she had been expecting to hear at all.

“You think I’m joking?” Touka says. So cold. She sounds so cold. “You think I’d make up stories about how my husband almost killed my baby brother? How a stupid argument and a simple push was all it took to take my father from me?”

“I… I didn’t mean--”

“No one should ever have to feel that way,” Touka cuts in, not letting Hinami apologize for what she felt had been her insensitivity. Touka glanced down at her food with a sigh. “I’ll never forget that day-- the expression on Ken’s face when he watched the truck ram into Ayato; the scream Ayato let out when he’s tossed a couple of metres away; the way his body felt when I held him in my arms, weak, sticky and wet from his broken bones and spilt blood; the way my father sounded on the phone as I told him everything; the way Dad’s eyes looked as he saw Ayato’s body, right before he too collapsed. It was a terrible day…”

“Touka, I--”

“Dad’s last word… The last thing he said was Ayato’s name… He died thinking his son was dying, or that his son was probably dead… When Ayato woke up, I was so happy my brother is alive, but I was also so sad that Dad died before he could see it. I broke down immediately. I can’t help but think if Dad knew Ayato was going to live, maybe he’d have lived. You know, if I hadn’t told him that Ayato got into an accident, maybe it would have worked out fine. Ayato sometimes left home and stayed over at his friends’ place whenever he was pissed off with Dad. It was just one month anyway; if I had just pretended it was that instead of an accident, Dad would still be alive now. He’d have been angry when he found out the truth but… he’d still be alive…”

This sounds familiar-- not the words, but the sentiments behind it. I killed him. It was the same thing Ayato had said the other day when cried. Ayato probably never knew that Touka blames herself for it and Hinami wonders if Touka knew that Ayato blames himself for it as well. Had they ever talked about it? She doubts they had since it’s only been a month since they reconciled.

“It isn’t… your fault,” Hinami says.

Touka stays silent for a moment, staring at her food blankly. Hinami doesn’t think that either of them has any appetite left. How is anyone going to be able to eat anything after that conversation? It takes a while for Touka to look up and meet Hinami’s eyes. Touka still seems somewhat hostile, very different from the girl Hinami had gotten to know the past few times they met. But really, what does she know about this woman? The woman she knew and had interacted with was someone who had tried her best to keep everything buried as she moved on from her past tragedies. Hinami doesn’t know Touka at all.

Just like she barely knew Ayato apparently.

“You’re telling me… it’s not my fault?” Touka sniggers, before she bursts into soft, dry laughter. “How many times do you think I’ve heard that from Ken? Whose fault do you think it is then, huh? Not Ken, clearly. Do you blame Ayato?”

He tries his best. He knows he needs to forget. It’s why they ended things, why he started visiting his sister more and why right now, there’s a head of black hair beside him in bed instead of the brown he had gotten so used to seeing. Ayato sighs and turns to face the other side, pulling his hands away from her. It feels weird. He knows it’s been only a month and jumping headfirst into a relationship isn’t the best idea, but he simply got caught up in the flow. A couple of days after he ended things with Hinami, he bumped into one of the girls he had brought home from the strip club the other night. It had been awkward initially and she had been pretty annoyed that he brought her back despite having a girlfriend already but somehow, they decided to have lunch together and he told her what happened between Hinami and him. He left out many details so all she knew was that they shared a physical relationship, but it hadn’t worked out and they’ve ended things.

Her name is Oohashi and she is a graduate student at his university. She’s older than him, but he decided that he didn’t mind it too much. When she knew Hinami and him weren’t together anymore, she jumped at the chance-- it seemed she was actually pretty interested in him.

He doesn’t know what made him say yes. After lunch, he brought her back home and fucked her a couple of times. A week after, they started dating. He kept it a secret, of course, even from Touka. Oohashi might have told her friends about it but that doesn’t concern him. He doesn’t think anyone needs to know anything about it right now.

Especially not when he himself feels so disgusted by it. After they do it-- every fucking time-- it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He feels bad, but he doesn’t want to think too much about it. He knows why and he knows how he can deal with it, but he just doesn’t want to. He knows he doesn’t love her; she might not love him yet, but she might one day. She’s attracted to him but he can’t return the sentiment. He’s too busy thinking about how it’ll be nicer if her hair is shorter, if she dyes it brown, if her voice is a little bit higher, or if her dressing is more conservative. He knows he’s still clinging on to her, that he’s only with Oohashi simply to ease the emptiness he feels now that he can’t have her anymore.

He feels like shit.

He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to go back to sleep. Careful not to wake the girl beside him, he gets up. He might as well take a shower and get ready for work. He also needs to prepare for class since he didn’t get anything done the previous night.

He heads to the bathroom and gets into the shower. Hinami’s things are still there-- her shampoo, lotion and other products she had named before but he can’t remember anymore. He had told Oohashi that she could use them, but he doesn’t recall her ever doing so. She doesn’t smell like Hinami at all. It’s a pity since he likes Hinami’s smell the most.

He shakes his head. He’s doing it again— he’s thinking about her and comparing them again. She’s in his head again. It’s always like that. He can’t get over her even though it’s him who ended things. He can’t forget her and god, he can’t stop loving her even in his wildest dreams.

He picks up the bottle of her shampoo and pours some onto his palm. It smells just the way he had remembered her hair did-- like flowers, a mixture of them. Hinami had always liked flowers anyway. They suited her as well— gentle, soft, beautiful and bringing joy to the people around her. He supposes she has hurt him before, but now that they’re apart, he can’t really recall the bad that much. He only remembers the good-- the fun times, the moment he fell in love, the times they laughed, the teasings, the jokes, the special times and the comfort she had given him.

He’s standing in the same shower that she had promised to make things different, where she had told him that she wanted to move on and to try to fall in love with him. Back then, he had been happy to hear it. He found hope again, like he truly had a chance. He doesn’t know if anything truly changed in her. He felt like it did but yet he felt like it didn’t as well. He will never know the answer to that question, but he supposes it’s a good memory too-- that she tried, at least. Perhaps her promise was a simple empty response to his outburst as he had fucked her against the very wall he’s staring at, but he likes to imagine that it was more.

It had felt good when they did it in the shower. It’s a pity they never did it again with both of them naked. His wet clothes had been a bother then. He wonders how it would have felt if they actually had done it. It doesn’t require much imagination for him to form the image of it. He knows how she looks and feels in the shower; he just has to pretend she’s there-- pulling him, holding him, touching him and kissing him.

His hand has a mind of its own, moving down to his dick as he starts to stroke it. There’s still her shampoo on his palms and it does help with the lubrication-- not that he needs any since he’s already unbearably hard and he’s under the shower. But the coolness of the shampoo, contrasted with the heat of the water, makes him shudder a little from his movements. He brings the other hand to his mouth. He wants to stay silent, he doesn’t want to wake Oohashi up, especially not from jacking off at the thought of his ex.

No, she’s not an ex. He has to keep telling himself that. They never had anything. They were never dating. He didn’t break up with her. Hinami isn’t his ex at all.

He continues moving his hands, remember what it felt like to be inside Hinami, as he conjures up the fantasy of her holding him tightly in the shower, running her hands down his wet back, raking her nails down it in that very way he loved so much. It doesn’t take him long before he comes. He hadn’t come so fast in a long time and he knows it’s not because he hadn’t been having sex-- he had been doing it almost every night.

But he supposes he is starved. He’s starved for her touch. He might be able to find any random person and bring them to bed but no one is going to give him the satisfaction he got from Hinami. Because try as he might, he can’t forget her and he’s still just as obsessed.

Oohashi might be his girlfriend now, but somehow, he just knows he will never fall for her, not when Hinami is still around, not when he still remembers everything that Hinami had done for him, not when he’s still so madly in love with Hinami.

He misses her so much.

Touka was right. It wasn’t healthy that he had let Hinami used him as a substitute for someone else. But before he realised it, he had started using someone else the same way.

Ayato does a good job at pretending she doesn’t exist for the next month. Hinami doesn’t know how to take it. It hurts her far more than she expected it to. Every time they lock eyes, he turns away immediately. She always walks into that one class they had together expecting him to sit in his usual seat, only for him to turn away from her to sit with Naki and his friends instead.

He hasn’t talked to her at all. He hasn’t asked her about the keys to his apartment, or her things that are probably still there. She wonders if he has changed the locks or if he has thrown away all her things. The thought makes her want to cry. She has some of her favourite outfits with him, but more so than that, the thought of her meaning nothing to him anymore, that he just discarded her just like that, makes her feel weak, used and unwanted.

She knows better than to cling to it, she has to move on. Yet it’s far too hard for her to do so, not when every little thing makes her think of him. It’s like life itself is rubbing him in her face. She normally doesn’t see him around in school as much as she does now. They only have one class together and that’s the only time she used to meet him, but now, in every corner she goes, he is there.

Maybe hanging out with his friends is his method of moving on and forgetting her. Unfortunately, Naki and his group lived in the college’s dorms, which means she runs into Ayato even when she’s going back to her own room. Miza’s room is right next to hers and whenever they choose to hang out in her place, Hinami can hear them through the thin walls. She hears him talking, laughing and having fun, showing no hints of remorse over their break up at all.

It’s like he had forgotten her completely and it makes no sense to Hinami, not when he had sworn to her countless times that his love for her is real, deep and true. It feels fickle now-- a laughing matter. She feels like a joke. Maybe it was all a joke. Maybe she was right at that time and this was really all about the sex. Just thinking about it feels like Ayato had ripped her heart out of her chest.

It actually hurts.

It hurts so much that as she listens to him with Miza, Naki and all their friends laughing and joking in the next room, all she can do is curl up in bed and cry.

I thought you cared about me. I thought I am important to you. I thought you wanted me.

I thought you love me.

Maybe it’s karma. She had hurt him and used him… but he had been willing, hadn’t he? It was all his idea after all-- use me to forget the pain. She wants to scream. She wants to slap him, to shove all the facts right before him. It was you. It was your idea. You started this. You said it will be okay. It was all you.

She wants to hate him so much. But she can’t, not when he is the person she wishes is beside her right now. She wants to cry and scream and she had never felt safer doing this in anywhere but his arms. She’s never trusted anyone but him with her sorrows.

For the first time in her life since she knew him, this month is probably the longest she had gone with barely thinking about Kaneki. All she knows is Ayato. Her emotions are all over the place and she has no control over them; one moment she’s wishing Ayato is better off without her and in the next, she’s cursing him to eternal despair. She knows he has all the rights to end things with her, but seeing him act as if nothing had happened hurts her to no ends.

It’s painful-- it’s so so so painful.

“Hinami. Hinami? Hinamiiiiii!”

Hinami blinks. Someone is waving a hand in front of her. Someone is calling her name from beside her. It sounds like the voice of a girl. Hinami turns her head and she sees Tomoe frowning at her.

“Oh, you’re alive now,” she scoffs, crossing her arms. “The lecture ended five minutes ago. How long are you going to sit there staring into space?”

Lecture… Five minutes ago… Hinami blinks at her and turns to look in front of her again. She is in a lecture theatre and the Professor is long gone. Oh. The Professor is gone. The lecture has ended. She glances down at her notes. She had only taken down what was probably the first fifteen minutes of a two-hour long lecture, out of which ten minutes had probably been the recap of the previous week.

“I’m dead,” she groans, slamming her notebook shut.

“Yeah, that’s like the third time this week. The eighth time this month,” Tomoe says. “Spit it out. What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Hinami sighs. She starts packing her things, trying her best to ignore the way her friend is glaring at her. “I’m tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Miza had a drinking party with everyone next door last night and it was too noisy to sleep.”

“Miza’s parties never bothered you much,” Tomoe says.

“They did.”

“Miza has parties ever since we were freshmen and you never bothered much about them back then. So why now?”

“Who knows?”

“Is it because A--”

“It’s not because Ayato’s there as well,” Hinami cuts in hurriedly, almost dropping her pen in the midst of her flustered response. “She was just… extra loud last night.”

Hinami gets up and starts walking out, with Tomoe following behind her and catching up to her side. They’re silent for a long moment. It’s only when they’re almost at the canteen that Tomoe speaks up again. “I didn’t say Ayato just now, you know.”

“You were going to say his name, I know--” Hinami pauses, her eyes going wide at the sight before her. Speak of the Devil… He’s there, standing a short distance away, talking to someone. He seems happy and really into whatever he was discussing with the other person. It takes Hinami a moment to recognize the other person as Rio, the vice-captain of their high school soccer team back when Ayato was the captain. Hinami continues watching them, not realising that she has come to a complete stop. Her hand grips the strap of her bag tightly. She can’t tear her eyes off them.

Ayato still looks so happy.

“Oh did you know the rumours from high school?” Tomoe asks casually. Hinami turns to her, confused, and she grins. “Oh, nothing, just that some people were very sure they were fucking.”

“What?” Her voice ends up louder than she means it to and she’s sure that those around her are giving her strange looks. She immediately looks back at Ayato. It doesn’t seem like he noticed. Thank god.

“What do you mean some people were very sure they were fucking?” Hinami hisses in a whispered voice, grabbing Tomoe by the arm and pulling her closer.

“I don’t know. It was just some rumour I heard. People were wondering why Ayato was single the whole time in high school and it was one of the stuff they came up with… probably.”

“He wasn’t single the whole time. He had girlfriends. He wasn’t serious about it but he had some. And they were girls. Not… not Rio.”

“Yeah, you’d know that, not me,” Tomoe sighs. “If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought you’re jealous of Rio--”

“I am not,” Hinami interrupts. “I can’t care any less about him.”

“Rio mentioned once when he was drunk that he’d take on the Kirishima name any day.”

“What?”

“So I guess that means Rio is competition now.”

“He is not.”

“Come on, Hinami. When are you going to be honest with me about it? What’s the deal between you and Ayato?” Tomoe sounds annoyed. She watches Hinami, sliding a hand into the pocket of her jeans as she waits for an answer.

“There is nothing between us,” Hinami says. They’ve had this conversation so many times and till now, she can’t find it in herself to be honest to Tomoe, or to anyone for that matter. Tomoe clearly doesn’t believe her but she shrugs and turns away.

“Well, whatever. I’m gonna go for kendo practice right now so I’d see you when I see you,” she says, throwing her words over her shoulders as she leaves. Hinami utters a brief farewell, before she turns her attention back at Ayato, only for their eyes to meet. It’s too brief for her to be sure of anything. She doesn’t know if he was watching her when she had been talking to Tomoe or if he had been looking around only to coincidentally make eye contact with her. Either way, he looked away immediately afterwards so it’s clear he plans to continue with his invisible Hinami act. The thought pisses her off and it only annoys her more when she realises that she needed to go past him to get to her favourite store. She’s not giving him the satisfaction of knowing that she’s walking past him with the full knowledge that he’s pretending not to see her. She turns around and walks off. Convenience store food would have to do.

It is ironic, however, that there’s nothing convenient about the convenience store nearest to her college. She has to walk quite a distance away to get to it. She wouldn’t have bothered much, but the fact that she has to walk past a certain familiar apartment complex has her nerves all on edge. She knows there’s a low chance of her bumping into Ayato on her way there. He was still talking to Rio when she left after all. But what would she do if she ran into him on the way back? What if he is with Rio when she bumps into him again? The image of them together makes her blood boil as Tomoe’s words resurface in her mind.

The risk is still worth it; it’s so much better than walking past Ayato in that canteen. This is the lesser of the two evils so she decides to take it. But when she reaches said apartment complex, she stops, staring at the empty driveway before her. The last time she had been there was on that stormy night when she ran around town almost naked trying to look for him. She remembers standing in the middle of the driveway, looking up to the rooftop, squinting her eyes desperately to see. She’s never been through anything as scary as that night, worrying if she might lose someone again, knowing that she had the power to stop it but might be too late. Nothing bad happened that night, not in that sense, and she had never been more relieved in her life than when she saw Ayato in his sister’s place again.

She wonders again why she did so much for him that night-- that day, even. That day had gone by so fast. So many things happened that it’s still so hard to wrap her head around the fact it all happened in one day. On that day, she found herself reaching so desperately for him and on that same day, he decided to pull away. It was a first-- a very painful first. Did she really do all that for him just for him to throw her away mere hours later?

“Hinami?”

Hinami blinks as she hears someone call her name. Tears fall out of her eyes as she does so and she quickly wipes them away with the back of her hand. She’s being an idiot, crying over the same thing again. She doesn’t want anyone to see her crying over Ayato out of all people.

“Hinami, is that you?” the same voice calls out. Oh no. She recognizes that voice. She really didn’t want to be caught, especially not at this point in time and by that person. Still, she can’t run away. She turns to the person and forces out a smile.

Kirishima Touka looks different from the last time they met. She looks more like how she did when Hinami first met her-- curly light blue hair, a little makeup and a gentle smile. Well, Touka must be pretty happy right now. Even if it’s not the best of times, things are getting better for her. She’s walking towards Ayato’s apartment complex so Hinami can only assume she must be going to meet him. It’s good to see the siblings on good terms at least.

“What are you doing here?” Touka asks. Her eyes narrow suspiciously and she glances behind Hinami, at the apartment complex. A vague memory surfaces-- it had been Touka who asked Ayato to break up with her, hadn’t it? Touka must still be looking out for her brother.

“Nothing much. I was just passing by,” Hinami says. “What are you doing here, Touka?”

“I’m here to visit my brother, of course.”

“He’s not at home though. I saw him hanging out with a friend in school when I left,” Hinami says. She doesn’t know why she chose to inform Touka. She should have just left it be. But Touka’s eyes widen a bit and she gives a sheepish smile.

“Well, I guess a surprise visit is a bad idea after all,” she laughs flatly.

“I’ll leave now. I want to grab some lunch.” Hinami gives a short bow to Touka before she starts walking off, only for Touka to call out to her again. “If it’s lunch you want, why not grab something together? We could use a little girl time. I’ve never had the chance to talk to you alone before.”

That is weird. Hinami had all along been sure Touka hates her or something. Why else would she ask Ayato to leave her anyway? It was her who put the idea into his head in the first place. The lunch offer comes as a surprise, but Hinami has no idea how she should turn it down. Without being able to say anything else, Hinami simply shrugs.

“Sure… it sounds… great.”

Touka’s taste is a lot like her brother. Hinami comes to the conclusion the moment they dropped by a small restaurant and Touka places her order. She avoided dishes with too much vegetables and stuck mostly to meat. It didn’t seem like eating healthily is a concern either of them had, though Hinami had to wonder how they keep so healthy nonetheless.

“What is it?” Touka asks. “You’ve been staring at me pretty weirdly.”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing.”

“That expression doesn’t look like nothing,” Touka admits.

“You just… remind me of Ayato from your order. He never orders healthy food as well,” Hinami muses. “He doesn’t take care of his diet at all.”

“Well he used to, back when he played soccer,” Touka says. “He was so serious about it that it was ridiculous. I’ve never seen him so dedicated to something. He really did enjoy himself. Our father didn’t really understand though.”

“Your father?” Hinami murmurs, picking up some of her noodles with her chopsticks. The food is still too hot to eat but Hinami doesn’t mind too much. She’s quite interested in what Touka has to say right now. Ayato barely talked about himself. This is a chance to get to know more about him. She wants to slap herself the moment the thought comes. They’ve already gone their separate ways, so what’s the use of knowing more about him? She should have asked him this way back in the beginning. Maybe if she showed a little more interest in him, he might not have left.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have mattered a lot since she probably was discardable to him.

“My father wanted Ayato to do well in his studies and make it into a good university. Well, Ayato made it to Dad’s first choice, but Dad wasn’t there to see it anymore. What happened when he was in high school… The shock of it was too much for his heart apparently,” Touka sighs.

“What happened…? If you don’t mind me asking.” Hinami watches as Touka’s expression morphs to a more serious one. She stares at Hinami for a moment before she places her fork and spoon onto the table, clasping her hands together.

For a moment, Hinami wonders if she should change the topic and not delve into this. She doesn’t need to know more about this. Ayato is a past chapter of her life. Knowing more about him isn’t going to help her in any way. Yet, her curiosity got the better of her. Ever since she found out that something big had happened, she had always wanted to know what had gone on between them.

Besides, it’s not like it’s just Ayato’s story. It concerns Kaneki too. Yes, Kaneki. The man she’s in love with. She wants to know his past. That’s it.

“Ayato said he never told you about everything that happened. Are you sure you want to know about it?” Touka asks.

“I… think so.”

“Ayato got into an accident and he got knocked into a coma for a while back when you guys were in high school. I’m sure you know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When my father found out about it, he had a heart attack. He was already sick to begin with. He was very weak. He couldn’t take it,” Touka sighs. She picks up her drink, mixing it about with her straw before she sips.

“I’m… so sorry…” Hinami says. Touka smiles weakly in response, nodding a little but she still remains silent. “What happened to Ayato? The accident… how did it happen?”

Ah, the topic went back to Ayato again. One step at a time, she supposes. Kaneki would come up eventually. That is what she’s really into.

Touka’s smile widens a little, though it looks grimmer than before. “He was pushed in front of an oncoming truck.”

Hinami’s eyes doubles. “Pushed? By who?” She had thought it was an accident all along. But he was pushed-- someone tried to kill him. Who would even do something like that? Ayato can be difficult to deal with at times but she doubts that he has enemies.

“Ayato doesn’t want you knowing about this,” Touka says. Strangely, her expression seems to have a degree of amusement in it. It felt almost malicious to Hinami. Even if Ayato doesn’t want Hinami to know about it, Hinami’s sure Touka wants it.

“Who is it?” Hinami asks softly.

“You’ll regret it.”

“Just tell me.”

Touka’s smile fades to a slightly weak one, her eyes falling to her food before her. She’s silent for a moment before she sighs and looks up at Hinami again. “It’s Ken.”

Hinami almost laughs. It’s just that ridiculous. “Big brother?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re… kidding, right?”

“I… I didn’t mean--”

“Touka, I--”

“It isn’t… your fault,” Hinami says.

Just like she barely knew Ayato apparently.

“No! It isn’t your fault and it isn’t Ayato’s either,” Hinami says. “I know Ayato blames himself as well but… these things happen and you can’t do anything about it. You just have to--”

“What do you know about all this?” Touka cuts in. She’s almost snarling and although she’s simply glaring daggers at her, Hinami feels like she’s dealing with something more ferocious and threatening. All the pent-up emotions and anger are seeping out. Hinami sees Touka’s facade breaking right before her eyes. Touka gets to her feet, dropping the cutlery on the table. They’re making a scene. Hinami can feel everyone watching them. Yet, Touka doesn’t seem bothered. Her lips are quivering. Her eyes are watery, stray tears falling out, messing up her makeup in the process.

“What do you even know about the things we went through? What do you even know about the pain I felt, losing my father, almost losing my brother? I tried to stay strong then, to be there for Ayato as his world came crashing down, desperately trying to ignore as mine fell apart as well, but he just… left!” she screams out. She slams her fist onto the table. “Dammit. Fucking… dammit.”

“Touka.”

“I’m leaving,” she says, taking up her purse and slamming a couple of notes onto the table. “Keep the change.” She walks out hurriedly, slamming the door to the restaurant behind her and leaving Hinami behind.

There aren’t many people around so not too much attention is fixed on her right now. She does see the waiters hesitating over approaching her. Hinami gets up as well and follows after Touka, ignoring the barely touched food. She doesn’t know what she should do right now, but her instincts scream at her to go after Touka, to find her and console her. Hinami feels like she’s stepped on a landmine. This wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t probed Touka about Ayato’s past. She was simply curious, but it seems she had only made things worse.

She doesn’t see Touka when she steps out of the place and it looks like Touka had already walked off somewhere. But Hinami’s determined not to give up. Ayato will probably hate her more if he found out that she made his sister cry. He seems to be weirdly protective of her, though ironically, he probably is the person who had made her cry the most. She continues to walk down the road before she starts to spot a recognisable figure in the distance. Hinami quickens her pace. A short distance away, at an empty children’s playground, she sees a familiar head of wavy light blue hair. Touka is seated on one of the swings, body bent over slightly as her hands desperately try to rub the tears out of her eyes. Hinami stops by the swings, watching her for a short while before she reaches over and lightly places her hand on Touka’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Touka says immediately, though she doesn’t look up. “I didn’t mean to snap at you… I just… lost it.”

“It’s okay, Touka.”

“No. No, it’s not okay,” she insists. She looks up at Hinami, her eyes red and puffy. Her makeup is running, black tear streaks marring her face. “I can’t believe I said those things to you. I was insensitive. You would know. Of course, you know how it feels like… I’m so… sorry. I just blew up. It’s rude--”

“No, it’s not,” Hinami says. “It’s okay, you can let out what’s inside. It’s fine. It’s better than keeping it in.”

Touka smiles slightly, before she takes Hinami’s hand, holding it tightly in her hands. “No matter how true that is, I said things I shouldn’t have said. I… realised it after I sat here and went through our conversation in my head again. I can’t believe I said those things to you. I should be thankful. At least, my brother is alive. At least, I still have part of my family.”

It hadn’t been personally bothering Hinami. She had been too worried about Touka-- seeing her in that state was scary. She was too focused on that to realise what Touka was saying then and what the words meant to her personally.

“I”m sorry too, I spoke insensitively at some points too,” Hinami admits. “I… just found it hard to believe that Big Brother was the one who hurt Ayato…”

“You mean, given the fact I’m still married to him?” Touka laughs lightly. “You’re right. It is weird. I was really fucking pissed off initially. But after what happened with Dad, Ken was there all the time, you know. He stuck with me even when I was cursing at him and hurling mean words at him every time I saw his face. He was apologetic about it and honestly, it was an accident. And it was Ayato who started the fight, Ken merely responded. It took me about two to three weeks to get over my anger and accept him back. Ken had no one else anyway. He lost his family. He has friends but aside from Hide, no one really close. You and him had lost touch too. Ayato and I were his only family… I mean, we weren’t married at that point, but it sure felt like it already. I couldn’t throw him away; he is family to me too.”

“They all mean a lot to you, don’t they?” Hinami muses. She tightens her grip on Touka’s hands. “Have you talked to Ayato about this?”

“Not really.”

“I think you should because I think Ayato blames himself for what happened to your father as well.”

Touka’s eyes widen. “He does?”

“He never said it outrightly, but I do think so. That’s why I think you should talk to him so that the both of you would realise it’s neither of your faults.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Touka sighs.

“It’s not… and I know that better than anyone else. I used to keep thinking too, if I had done something, maybe things would be different. If I hadn’t delayed them at home that day, maybe my parents’ car wouldn’t have been at the spot it was when the truck crashed into them. They had gone to buy dinner because I wanted to eat pizzas. Maybe I should have agreed with Mom’s suggestion and eat home-cooked food instead, or maybe I should have asked for ramen instead. There were so many things I could have done differently and if I had, they might still be alive.

“At one point, I too thought it was my fault, for being a selfish girl and wanting pizzas on that day, but you know, it sounds ridiculous now. It’s not like I knew what was about to happen. It took me years to accept that and even now, sometimes these thoughts still surface and it makes me sad thinking about it. But all we can do is just move on from what happened and not let it weigh us down, right?”

She didn’t mean to give one long speech to Touka, but the words simply came out against her will. She doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on her face right now-- she feels the stretch in her lips but also the tears at the edges of her eyes. Touka is blinking at her in surprise before her face slowly morphs to a genuine smile.

“Look at me, being lectured by a younger girl,” she laughs. “You’re right. I get what you’re getting at. I’m trying to rationalise with myself too-- it’s not fair if I had kept Ayato’s accident a secret from Dad anyway and I don’t think it would be possible. He’d have found out eventually. But it’s not easy believing that.”

“It’s fine. You should take your time, especially now that everyone is together again,” Hinami says.

“You’re a really nice person, you know,” Touka sighs. She wipes the final traces of tears away from her face and looks up to Hinami with a brighter smile. “You’re a really good person.”

“I thought you hated me,” Hinami says. Much to her surprise, Touka actually looks taken aback at this. Her eyes go wide for a moment before she narrows them and furrows her brow.

“I’d thought you were a sweet girl from the time we met, Hinami. I liked you from the beginning.” Touka admits. “Why would you think that way?”

“You told Ayato to end things with me, didn’t you?”

Touka’s eyes cloud over for a moment before she nods, looking away from Hinami and staring straight ahead. “That relationship you two have… it’s not good.”

“But to tell him to just cut me off like that… don’t you think it’s cruel?”

“I didn’t mean for that… I just wanted the sleeping together thing to stop,” Touka says. “You both know it’s not a good thing. I don’t know what kind of arrangement the two of you had, but I’m his sister and for now, all I see is a physical relationship that has been wearing my brother down. When the two of you started it, Ayato might have agreed not knowing what he was getting into, you know.”

It was his idea, she wants to scream, but decides against it. It doesn’t really matter whose idea it was, both of them at that point decided it was a good idea.

“I don’t think either of us knew what we were getting into,” Hinami admits. “I… hated it as well, honestly. In the beginning, after a while, I’d feel terrible after sleeping with him and I’d leave immediately after. But Ayato is someone who’s so familiar and reliable for me that I couldn’t stop myself from going back to him. Ayato too… he tried to turn me away but always ended up giving in… or well… that is what I thought happened.”

Touka chuckles softly and she turns to look at Hinami. “My brother really loves you, you know.”

Hinami can’t help but laugh-- sardonically, that is. “I highly doubt it. He seems fine without me right now.”

Touka seems more amused than anything right now. She shakes her head and jumps to her feet, patting her skirt and easing the creases in it. “You’re wrong there. He’s not taking it well at all.”

“I see him in school everyday and he’s fine. I… can’t stop thinking about him. It feels weird not talking to him, not texting him and not seeing him at all. I feel so empty. But he’s fine. He’s okay. And he’s supposed to be the one in love.”

“He loves you,” Touka says.

“He just wanted to have sex.”

“Even if that is true, it seems to bother you more than it should. What’s the matter? You want him back?”

“That’s not it at all. It’s just… I trusted him.”

“And he broke your trust by acting okay while everything is falling apart for you,” Touka chuckles. When Touka puts it that way, it sounds dumb. But Hinami doesn’t care if it’s dumb. It hurts and she hates the way it makes her feel.

“I thought he would be… more sad about it.”

“He is, trust me.” Touka looks at her for a moment, narrowing her eyes as she crosses her arms. She doesn’t speak for a while. She just watches, and Hinami stares at her in response, wondering over the sudden silence and the scrutinising look. And then, “You’re not in love with my brother, are you?”

There’s something that stops her from denying it immediately-- something that makes her pause, her heart almost stop and her breath catch in her throat. The possibility had surfaced in her mind the night they were in Touka’s house but she hadn’t been able to arrive at an answer. In fact, she hasn’t even thought about it after that night; she has been too busy being upset and annoyed with Ayato to even consider why that is the case.

“I’m not…” she replies slowly, but she’s sure she could have been a little more confident about it.

Touka doesn’t seem to believe her but she gives her a smile nonetheless. “Well, then you’ll get over this easy.”

It’s been a month, yet nothing had been easy.

“You’re right… I will…” She forces the lump down the throat as she says this.

Touka is still grinning playfully. She starts to walk and Hinami simply stares at her, watching as she heads towards the entrance of the park. She stops, turns to Hinami and raises her eyebrow. “Come on. We haven’t actually eaten our lunch yet.”

She’s right; they had run out of the previous place after barely eating anything.

“Ah, I’m coming!” she says, running over to Touka.

“We’re going to have to go somewhere cheap though. I slammed most of my money on the table just now. Maybe the roadside ramen store down the street,” Touka suggests with a laugh. “This is so fun. It’s like I have a little sister now. We can talk and hang out.”

That thought isn’t a bad one at all. Hinami can’t help the smile on her face as well.

“Then I’ll call you Big Sister,” Hinami says. “Since you’re the woman married to my Big Brother anyway.”

“That makes me very happy,” Touka says, with another breath of laughter. She looks over at Hinami, a small cheeky glint in her eyes. “Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll be sisters for real.”

She could, but at that very moment, she decides not to worry about the implications of those words.

The time she spent with Touka and the conversation they had doesn’t really bother her much until she’s lying in bed that night, staring sleeplessly at the ceiling as her mind starts to go over everything that had happened and all that she had learnt. She had known nothing about it at all, despite the fact that she has all along thought of herself as the person Ayato is the closest to. He had never confided in her about all that happened; he had never even told her the reason he supposedly fell for her-- maybe he never did. The thought makes her choke again, but Touka had been adamant that he’s just pretending to be fine. Maybe she’ll trust Touka. It’ll ease some of her worries.

But she still wonders if anyone else knew about what happened. Did he tell Naki and Miza about everything? Did he tell Rio? Rio had been his vice-captain in high school. If the accident had really been the reason he couldn’t play soccer anymore, Rio would know about it. He would probably be the one who knew all that happened. Hinami barely knows Rio so going up to him to ask him about it would be the most awkward thing ever. Maybe she should get Tomoe to do it, but Hinami will have to tell her why she wanted all these information and that will be awkward as well. As she had all along known, it’s best to keep anything regarding her relationship with Ayato to herself.

She tries to sleep, but she can’t, not when Touka’s words keep going on and on in her mind. It was Kaneki who pushed Ayato. It was Kaneki who caused Ayato’s dreams to shatter. All that time, Ayato had been sleeping with a girl who was in love with the very person who did all that to him. She doesn’t understand-- just how was he okay with this?

She’s confused. Nothing seems to make sense. What seemed simple and sensible to her is now just a whole complicated mess of secrets and lies. She wishes he had been honest with her all those days they were together. She wishes he had told her everything. It would have been so much easier to hear it all from him, to know what he thinks and feels about it all. Touka can only guess. She can’t tell Hinami what went on in Ayato’s mind when he decided he’s fine with their arrangement.

She supposes she can see Touka’s side on things better now. It’s clearer now that Hinami is lying in bed and properly processing everything. Touka is just protecting her brother from being hurt. In Touka’s place, Hinami would have done the same thing. But Hinami isn’t in Touka’s place right now; she’s in Hinami’s. Right now, she’s the one who’s confused and upset. Maybe talking to Ayato might help but he’s still pretending she doesn’t exist. Texting him won’t work either. She had tried in the first few days and all of her messages and calls had been ignored. She knows that he saw her messages. He simply did not reply.

She doesn’t get much sleep that night. She spends most of it lying in bed and thinking. She’s at least thankful Miza isn’t having a party over in her room next door. She doesn’t know how she’d take having to listen to Ayato having the time of his life while she’s in this state. Eventually, she does fall asleep but she has no idea how late into the night it is. When she wakes up, she realises she’s late for class.

Maybe it’s not too bad; every cloud has a silver lining she supposes. She has lessons with Ayato today anyway and maybe now isn’t the best time to see him. She can always ask Tomoe about what she missed anyway.

She doesn’t get out of bed much afterwards. She leaves her dorm a little before the lunch crowd, grabs some takeaway and gets back to her room. She considers watching a movie but she’s not in the mood to search something up. After finishing her food, which too took almost forever because she found herself spacing out far too much, she pulls out a random Takatsuki Sen book, got comfortable and started reading.

Books always give her a break from reality and despite her having already read this book more than three times, it still captivates her from the very beginning. Takatsuki Sen just has a way with her words, which is able to fully connect with Hinami and her own experiences. For the few hours which she spent reading the tales of a One-Eyed King leading a revolution of his kind, she’s able to forget what had been bothering her. Ayato finally gets pushed to the back of her mind as her imagination conjures up images of a war-wrought society, with humans and monsters fighting constantly.

Hinami wonders what it’ll be like to live in a world like that. Her world is normal. But even then, she has lost a lot and she knows people who had lost more. She wonders if her parents would still be around if they lived in the world Takatsuki Sen had created. What would it be like if she was born a monster like the protagonists’ kind? A truck clearly won’t be enough to kill her parents then. Maybe they really would have been alive and with her. She might not have gone to school, she might not have met Ayato, Touka and Kaneki and she might not feel the kind of pain she’s feeling right now. Maybe she’ll find people to be with like the King does in the story— a group of people who’d support her, be with her and always have her back. Maybe things would be better.

Or maybe it would be worse. Maybe she’ll be in the crowd of lost lives, just another nobody that fell victim to the curse of that world. After all, for a girl who was once her mother’s little clover, she strangely never has any luck.

She closes the book and places it aside, before throwing herself onto her bed. It’s late. It’s past dinner time. She should get food, but she doesn’t feel hungry. She doesn’t even want to get out of bed again. Now done with her book, she’s alone with her thoughts again. She can’t stop her mind from wandering back to her memories, thinking of her conversation with Touka and also to Ayato breaking it off with her.

That one day had been eventful; so many things had happened-- so many changes. Hinami sighs as she recalls his expression right before he left her. It was… terrifying. It’s so hard to believe that merely a couple of hours before that, she had him under her complete control, cheeks flushed, body trembling as he obeyed her every whim and fancy. That was fun. She’d never done something like that before. She’d never taken control away from him before. It was a new experience and she knew that the both of them liked it. She wishes she had another chance to experiment more.

Hinami closes her eyes. Her body feels uncomfortable. She hasn’t given in to her desires much this month, but when she does, it comes as a huge wave of desperation. Yes, she wants him by her side again, supporting her and comforting her, but she also wants to touch him again, to push him down and to pin him beneath her. She wants to do it again. She wants to fuck him again.

If they do what they’re not supposed to do, they should be punished.

She grins a little as she remembers that from the forum the other day. She is annoyed, upset and somewhat turned on right now. She wonders if she’ll ever get the chance for a sequel to that night. Maybe a little of this would convey her current emotions to Ayato. If she could have him right now, she’ll make him apologise over and over again for it.

She has nothing else to do and her mind is already in such a place. Without really thinking much about it, she spreads her legs, lifting her skirt and letting her hand move down. She slides her hand under her panties, touching herself directly. She’s already a little wet, but it doesn’t take long for her arousal to heighten from her own touch. She lets out a sigh, opening her eyes slightly as she lets the pleasure wash over her. She’s never been the kind of girl to engage so willingly in such an act. She had done it before, but it had always made her embarrassed. Things must have changed in the past two years. When you’re so used to having sex, masturbation doesn’t seem like a big thing anymore.

She gives in to the building sensation, letting her eyelids fall shut again as her fantasies run wild. She can’t stop the images that are being formed in her mind and she’s almost surprised. It’s not Kaneki she sees; it’s Ayato. Maybe that makes sense. She was just thinking about him after all.

He moans her name the way he always used to when they have sex. His expression is an exact replica of the one from her memories. She pictures him on the bed, eyes closed tightly, cheeks dusted pink, mouth parted slightly as he writhed about beneath her. Ah, it’s like that day again. Her fantasy’s Ayato is begging for more, asking her to let him come, opening his eyes slightly just so he can look at her with that one adorable, pleading look. Her hand reaches for him, lightly stroking his face as she leans forward.

Hinami…

It feels so real. His voice sounds so real; it’s like he’s really there.

She kisses him and she feels his body stiffen from it. He jerks his hip against hers, his dick hitting against that one spot deep inside her-- the spot she’s desperately trying to find with her fingers right now. She wants him to touch her but she remembers commanding him not to and he had surprised her by actually listening.

Hinami!

His voice is more urgent this time as if he’s been calling out for her for ages. She’ll give him what he wants, she supposes, moving her hips faster and rocking against his dick-- her fingers-- harder. She can imagine his pants right by her ear, calling her name again and again, begging for release. She needs this so much. She wants it so badly. She wants to feel it again-- to have the control in her hands, to have him at her mercy and to look at her with those eyes her fantasy is looking at her with right now.

She wants to dominate him again.

It doesn’t take long till she’s at her climax, coating her fingers with her own juices. She lies on the bed with her eyes closed for a short moment, before she opens them and raises her hand, staring at the wetness on the two fingers. Even though she came, she feels far from satisfied. Maybe it was a bad idea to touch herself after all. She wonders what she should do now.

A loud knock on the door makes her jump. Whoever it is raps on her poor wooden door five times, with a force that makes her worry that the door might snap into two. They sound annoyed. She hopes they’re just impatient and it’s not her who had been so caught up in her dreams that she had not noticed them at the door. She gets up, absentmindedly wiping her fingers on her dress, and starts to walk to the door.

“Hey Hinami, are you alive in there?”

She freezes, eyes widening at the voice. Is this just her imagination or is it the real deal?

“A...ya--”

Another knock, and then, “Hinami!”

She jumps, shrieking softly at the sound of his voice. He’s there. He’s outside her door. She blinks, almost in disbelief, wondering if she’s going to wake up and find out it’s only just a dream. Maybe she’s still on the bed. Maybe she dozed off after touching herself and is actually sleeping right now.

“Hinami, open the door!”

If she takes too long, he might just leave. The thought makes her hurry to the door, only to hesitate right as she grabs the knob. Why? Why should she open the door for him right now? He had ignored her for a full month. She doesn’t know what suddenly brought him to her room. He’s never dropped by before, not even when they were together. Why is he suddenly-- angrily-- asking her to answer the door?

She doesn’t have to open it.

“I can see your shadow, you know,” he says.

He knows she’s there. This is the best chance she has to give him a taste of his own medicine. If she walks away right now, he’ll know she’s ignoring him-- just like she knows he has been ignoring her. There’s a childish part of her that really wants to hit him with all she’s got. Two can play that game, not just him.

“Are you angry with me?” Ayato asks, sighing softly. His voice is gentler now. He almost sounds regretful. God, if he’s here to ask her to pretend everything didn’t happen if he’s here to ask her to get back together, she’d… Even she doesn’t know what she’d do.

“Hinami, I promise this is nothing like what you think it is… Mado gave me some of your assignments and asked me to pass them to you as soon as possible,” he admits. “It’s just that. I’ll leave immediately so open the door.”

She could just ask him to slide them under the door. She doesn’t have to open the door to look at him. Yet, she can’t bring herself to let go of the knob. Instead, she’s turning it. He’s been ignoring her the entire time, pretending she doesn’t exist and he doesn’t see her, ignoring her calls and messages and acting as if they never had a thing between them. It had hurt so much and it still continues to gnaw at her as she starts to open the door. Even then, she can’t turn away from him, not when he’s finally calling her name again. She hates feeling so weak and giving in so easily, but she can’t help it.

She misses him so much.

Even if it’s for a mere few seconds, she wants to see him again.

A/N: Shattered is coming to an end so thank you so much for all the support. For now, I have 2 confirmed chapters more. But I’m still unsure about what tone of an ending I should give so I did a poll here and I’d appreciate if you guys dropped by to leave your preference as well. Chapter 9 is the same for both. The bittersweet ending will end at Chapter 10 (a nice number??????). The happy ending has an additional Chapter 11 + a very very very happy, what comes after, god knows how many years later kind of epilogue!!

Also, after this fic, I might be taking a writing hiatus? Maybe, though because I want to write out the prompts I have in my inbox at least and also maybe finish up Another. So we’ll see how that goes. Thank you everyone for your sweet comments about this fic. I get really happen whenever someone asks for an update.

Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

#tg #tokyo ghoul #ayahina #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #kirishima touka #far writes stuff #my fic: shattered #ughhh im too tired to tag anything else

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littlemessyjessi · 5 years

Text

VALENTINE REQUESTS: ATTENTION SMOOCHIES!

Hello, Smoochies!

It’s that time of year again! Well, actually it’s end of December and almost New Years with quite some time before Valentine’s day, lol.

However, part of making content great for you in the year of 2019 requires planning!

So I’ve got something special planned for you all this year in the month of February!

Smoochentines!!!!

February 1rst through February 14th there will be a post every single day related to VDAY!

Yay!

Now I still have some slots available so if you want to claim something you’ll need to send it through the ask box!

Below is my working list for Smoochentines!

If it has the scenario listed and TAKEN written beside it then it has already been claimed BUT if the name below had nothing listed beside it then it’s up for grabs!

All you gotta do is tell me the name of the Smoochentine you want and give me a scenario!

Ginny Weasley - Broomstick Ride to Madame Puddifoot’s- TAKEN

Percy Jackson

Rosalie Hale- Spa Day and Vday Movie Night- TAKEN

Pre Serum Steve Rogers: Romantic Homemade Dinner: TAKEN

Dean Winchester : Valentine Dean Style : TAKEN

Wonder Woman : Attending a Cupid’s Tea (Vday Tea Party): TAKEN

Sirius Black

Thranduil

Hermione: Secret Admirer : TAKEN

Aslaug

Cap Hatfield

Deadpool: Baking Vday sweet treats: TAKEN

Queen of Hearts: Headcanons: TAKEN

Avengers: Valentine’s Day : TAKEN

So as you can see, it’s filling up quickly but there are a couple of slots left!

It’s first come, first serve so if you want a slot, be sure to send it fast!

I’m just so excited, guys and I hope we all have a blast together!

I realize it’s still technically December, please bare with me, lol! All this is supposed to be fun and I’m hoping by planning in advance we can have a great time!

Btw, all of my readers for this will be Plus Size Reader because that is my JAM! I am a smol bean but I do love a juicy babe!

Please remember to submit through my ask box so I can begin a list for my February Smoochentines special this year!

I’m super excited about content this year and I just can’t wait to share it all with you!

Love and kisses, Mama Kennysaurus

@frankie2902

@pleasantdreamqueen @becrazy–beyou –beyou

@becrazy-beweird

@littledeadrottinghood @blackirisposts

@therealmrshale @woodworthti666

@jimmys-afterlife-love-deactivat @the-great-irene @fanfictionandjunk

@angelus320

@alanlizzingtonshore @buriednurbckyrd @disneymarina@@tubbypeachwriting

@sullybot @georgiagrl1990 @whenallsaidanddone

@mischiefnevermanaged94 @inumorph

@congurl

@centerhabit

@bubblymusiclover13

@meetcally

@qtmeryr

@thisismysecrethappyplace

@tnupsweetpie

@alisoncdariel

@hannahloveslife

@wormyboi

@blackirisposts

@maggyme13

@amethyst09

@lostdarksoul6

@fanfics1717

@coffeebooksandfandom

Love, Kenny

#updates #tumblr plans #littlemessyjessi #valentines #valentine requests #smoochentines #february #send them in #kennysaurus #mama kennysaurus #kenny updates #littlemessyupdates

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babsaros · 5 years

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GFKLGDFM i sent them from the wrong ask meme HERE UHhh,,, 🍰 🍨 💕 🍓

🍰 what’s your favorite dessert to eat? do you have a favorite to make?

brownies!! i esp love skillet brownies that come with ice cream and special sauce and walnuts mm so good

🍨 describe your ideal first date, what about it makes it perfect?

for dates i always love the classic “dinner and a movie” it’s v cliche and cute and afterwards u can talk about your fav part of the movie and also it works long distance too!!

💕 vague about your crush or partner?

hdfkjhk she’s so cute and stubborn and passionate and soft i wanna hold her,,,,

🍓 what are you doing for valentine’s day? do you have any self care plans?

technically yesterday was vday for me, but i just slept and went to work so today i’m going to the mall to reap all those sweet vday discounts and pick up some things to send her and then i want to do smth but idk what yet, or options are kinda limited but we’ll have fun anyway! i also want to draw smth for her and i have an idea i just need time

#charlie watch venom with me tonite valentines day 2k19 #thanks for askin!!#have a good day!!!! <3 #nozirev-deedlee

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majestic-jade · 5 years

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he-who-must-not-be-named

it was exactly a year ago when i realized i had a tiny-tinnie crush with an acquaintance (he was actually close friends with my close friends but yea we weren't just as close yet and i had a gf during those times so i didn't really pursue the feels i felt hahahaha i just found him really mysterious and charming). it was valentine's day and my birthday just passed, he was giving away sunflowers for his friends and i was just there helping him out arrange the flowers and everything — i had no plans during that day even though i had a gf well technically because i am just not fond of celebrating vday, it was too cliché and mundane for me like if you have a special someone you could just make him/her feel special at any day lol — basically vday for me is just some petty pagan shit. ok so going back, when i was about to leave he gave me a sunflower because he knew that it was my birthday the other day — no guy has ever given me a flower well from what i remember hahaha and knowing me being a shallow kind of person, i never forgot that gesture from him and always remembered him as a very sweet person. when i would see him around school it was pretty normal — we would exchange hi's and hello's like normal friends would do.

one day, one of my best friend came over to visit me in school and she told me the news that the guy i kinda liked attempted to court her but rejected him at the same time, i was shocked well because one of his close friend was also into my best friend but was also rejected because my best friend was bisexual but mostly into girls. i didn't feel hurt or anything though, well probably because i had a gf too so i wasn't really affected hahaha but my best friend knew ever since that i kinda liked the guy even when i had a gf that time so yea yolo.

a lot has changed over the months, i was openly bisexual before but suddenly i just don't feel like being into girls anymore though i still get attracted to some (physically only haha like 'oh fck she's pretty and hot ughh') but other than that i think i can refer to myself as straight now hahaha.

then fast forward to last week of january 2019, i decided to join our college's pep squad. at the same time, the guy i kinda had a crush on way back 2018 was going to our trainings even though he wasn't part of the college and the team any longer, it was his way of supporting us and i must say he was really a great help during trainings. he would talk to me in fbc every now and then without me noticing that it has been going on for quite some time already and most of the times we would talk until midnight and i wouldn't really notice the time and it would always go to the point wherein in just a few hours i would have to wake up and prepare for class just because i've been on my phone talking to him for hours (good memories though hehe)

we went out for a couple of times either with friends or only the two of us.. most probably my feelings was developed by those moments.

one night, we were having a normal conversation, i remember i was at my chinese family side dinner and from time to time i would excuse myself to go to the comfort room just to be able to reply to him hahaha (obviously yo girl got feels for the boy already lol). he opened up that us talking was already kind of getting weird — only to find out that it was because he already knew that i like him. i remember him feeling super awkward to the extent that he blocked and unfriended me on facebook but eventually unblocked me a few minutes after lol idek what to feel during those times it was mixed of being scared and shocked. i end up just answering questions he had because that is what i thought he deserves anyway and so i just answered him as truthfully and honestly as possible.

days went by and we just continued the usual things we do — talk, go out if there's time and pep training.

compet day came and he just became the official team photographer that day hahahha by the evening we decided to drink as a team (we didn't win also but it was okay lol) so there, everyone was drinking that night except for the guy since he was the bartender and was going to be the one to take care of us (well that's what he said idk hahhaha) next thing i know i am drunk and i was just at the couch listening to paramore songs and just kept singing ahahha then suddenly one of my team mate asked me to drink water but i kept refusing so i was brought to the room to sleep in the bed and the guy was there and some people then the next thing i know we were alone together. i remember crying to him a lot because there was no stars and i wanted to see and have my own stars, also wanted to swim and just disappear yea ahahhaha oh and i also cried because i will never be enough ??? (still true though ahahhaha people in my life would always just come and go lol) anyways next thing i remember the guy and i were already kissing. i asked him why is that? and he just told me because it was a natural and normal chemistry between a girl and a boy (and of course yo girl being drunk and horny af i didn't give a damn zz) then the rest was history because tmi already lol.

the following days were shitty, he started being cold and seemed off (of course even if we were just friends i would definitely feel if anything was wrong with the way we converse or what and it definitely felt weird and different already).

i decided to just stop talking already since i could really sense that my feelings for him was already getting deeper (but of course i really can't not talk to him because yo girl became attached af saaaad) but the next day, he then decided to cut off the ties with me completely (like no more talking and everything) — heartbreaking lol.

of course i am affected as hell and it fckin hurts as hell too (even if it was a short while kind of encounterment it was the first time i risked the friendship and really fell hard for a guy woops)

he is definitely the cold winter and i am the hot summer but when we're together i just feel calm, in control, safe and at ease — but now he's gone, like the rest.

without noticing i fell for a guy who would never love me back.

and i'm pretty sure it's gonna take some time to heal and get over him, now i'm the one whose walls are high and closed.

just the thought of not seeing him around and not being able to talk to him like the usual makes my heart sink in pain. whenever i hear or come across his name it makes me want to cry. the idea of the need to avoid him along hallways and corridors makes me look like a criminal running away from an authority. i don't know how long i'll be able to avoid him — obviously not forever.

i just wish for this pain and sadness to go away but at the same time i just want to be able to go and talk to him but obviously that isn't what's going to be happening since the world is always against me plus happy endings only happens in movies (bitterly said but true enough woops)

#personal

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wickedninaryback · 7 years

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[Wrapped gift left on his bed with a cheesy Star Wars VDay card attached]

So, I know that it’s not quite the big day of love that everyone celebrates, but I’m antsy and nervous, and really wanted you to have this early! Um, I don’t think I’ve told you that I like to draw. And most have rarely seen me doing it because Air was supposed to be my focus, not drawing, but now that I can do it without fear of lecture I wanted to do something special for you. I made you a comic. This is the first issue of The Adventures of H2-Isaac. There are 20 pages drawn by me, and formatted into a comic book, just for you. This superhero has a bit of an origin story, and because he always goes above and beyond to fight for what’s right he walks right into trouble. Of course he has a love interest that is always willing to support him, no matter what, and even kick his ass when he’s not believing in himself.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Sweetie!

Love,

Nina

P.S. - I’m a nervous wreck and couldn’t give this to you in person because i didn’t know what you’d think, or if you’d like it so I chickened out. I’ve never gotten anyone anything for Vday and technically since it’s before, that means pressure’s off, right? Right! Text me? Let me know what you think and if you like it?

@mr-isaac-hale

#c:isaac #//sorry this is such a long post #mio vday 2017

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