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wychive · 4 years

Text

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph) sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:)

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me..

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you.

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people.

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them.

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog.

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine.

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were.

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar.

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio , @neo-shitty

reply to be in my gen taglist!

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dopposhusband · 4 years

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I know I say it all the time, but I wanted to tell you directly for once: I think the stuff you write is genuinely great! Whether it be a few headcanons, a fic or a description of one of your AUs, I really love them! They're well written and always interesting to read, so thank you for posting your stuff! I'll always be looking forward to more! Once again, I have another question about your boys! Do you have some friendship HCs? Either between them or in general? ^^

@yokairu Youre the absolute sweetest!! It means the world to read that, I owe you so much, thank you! I wrote a whole thing about Doppo having friends once at three in the morning and its been sitting in my drafts for a few weeks so I thought the ideas I had there would be interesting here! I also put a lil hc what I think being friends with them would be like too!

Doppo doesn’t really have any friends outside of Jakurai and Hifumi which is a huge shame because I think he could get along with everyone! He really deserves more people to care about him!

💼 Dice inviting Doppo to try a more adventurist life for a night, have the two go gambling and drinking together. I just want Doppo to be able to loosen up and have some fun and I also want Dice to understand just how much of Doppos apology loops come from such an abusive work life. They’re complete opposites and they could learn something from each other!!!

💼 Doppo being a big brother figure for Ichiro, Doppo is literally the walking definition of exhaustion and having to take care of two baby brothers must’ve been tough on Ichiro. So Doppo can understand having to hide more negative emotions from his years hiding them from co-workers, managers, customers, and maybe even his own younger brother. Doppo might not be able to help carry the burden Ichiro has but let him give him like a nice lil head pat, tell him hes doing a great job!!!

💼 Also speaking of buster bros, Jiro and Saburo??? Like imagine Doppo teaching Saburo how to use Microsoft Excel!! Jiro catching Doppo on his lunch break and begging him to buy him lunch too, then Doppo complaining about how much his job sucks and Jiro giving him some of the worst career advice ever.

💼 Rio teaching him how to make all kinds of drinks and foods he can eat to relieve his stress and tension. Just Doppo out in the woods to clear his mind from the bustle of the city, taking in fresh air and just relaxing. Having someone like Rio who isn’t too talkative but is always willing to let him vent then after hes let it all out he can just lie back and look at the stars!!

💼 Even though Ramuda and Matenrou are on very tense terms but having him make clothes for Doppo. It could just be something small like a nicely designed tie but it’d be enough because itd liven him up knowing that this is something no one else in the world has!! And just having him model for Ramuda at all, it would be such a good boost to his self esteem and hed get to wear all kinds of pretty outfits!!

💼 DOPPO BOOK CLUB!!! DOPPO BOOK CLUB!!! On Doppos days off he host a book club with Gentaro and Rosho! They all talk about books they’ve read, Doppo usually only talks about chapters rather than full books because he rarely has time to read. Gentaro constantly lying about the ending of a book to goof on Rosho and Doppo but always feeling a little bad when Doppo takes it seriously and gets all bummed that it was taking him too long to finish.

💼 Sasara the funny clown man trying his damnedest to make Doppo laugh at one of his jokes!! The salaryman is sad too much he deserves a good laugh too and sometimes Sasaras funny so its perfect!!

👔 Being friends with Doppo changes the longer you know him, at first he’ll be very nervous and overly considerate, but after a long while he’ll eventually relax. He worries a lot about being a burden or about you thinking being friends with him is an obligation so you’ll have to be the one to initiate conversation with him at the beginning. Once he feels confidant that you really care about him then comes the second hurdle of him feeling terrible about never having any time. Time is an issue for Doppo but he tries his hardest to always answer whatever texts you send him and he always extends an invitation to you whenever he can! Slowly, he’ll also be more open about his emotions, not like he isn’t already but he’ll be less worried about expressing them. He’ll be less indecisive on vocalizing his annoyance if you do something that bothers him or if you’re doing something stupid alongside Hifumi. He’ll still be apologetic but less so when it comes to him keeping his ground because you guys are close enough for him not to worry about bending over backwards. Its all a long process but if you do make it to the end you have a very loving friend who is just glad to have you around!

Ichiro needs more people to hang out with, people he can de-stress with when he’s away from his brothers. MC BIG BRO DESERVES A BREAK!

🎧 I know I ship with IchiDice but the two would make great boyfriends and regular friends! Ichiro tends to avoid things that he’s too young so he can’t go gambling instead he gets Dice addicted to a gatcha games. Dice isnt huge on the anime stuff but he sure loves hitting those SSRs! The two are always talking about their pulls, bragging about the good and complaining about the bad almost 24/7. On the other side though when a day gets too stressful Dice is more than okay to listen to Ichiro vent a little, although it is rare and its not like Dice gives good advice but its nice to have an outlet. In return Ichiro always lets Dice crash at his place whenever he hits a massive losing streak.

🎧 Ramuda constantly complains about Ichiro and his brothers clothes so he has an excuse to make them new ones. He also loves texting Ichiro just to chat, always using stickers and litters his texts with emoticons. 。.:☆*:･'(*⌒―⌒*))) °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) ヽ(￣ω￣(。。 )ゝ

🎧 Okay, now hear me out, Rio and Ichiro. It’s the strangest combination but Rio is just such a sweetheart, after the DRB he came over to the Yamada household to check up on them and bring them food. After a little while of gaining his trust Ichiro would slowly warm up to him, I mean he helped with chores and cooked for them. (Even tho the food is a little suspicious being made literally anything) It must be hard to take care of two kids when you’re still a kid too so Rio wants to try and help a little.

🎧 I think there isn’t enough of a focus on him being on good terms with Jakurai and the two being friends. Like Rio, Jakurai worries about Ichiro and how much of his childhood was taken away from him so whenever the two are together he tries to take up the responsibility of paying or driving so he can relax. He takes him and his brothers out fishing occasionally, how much they catch depends on how much Jiro and Saburo argue though.

🔴 Ichiro is an absolutely amazing friend to have! Although his brotherly instincts can make him a little overbearing sometimes, always inviting you over for dinner or reprimanding you if you do something a bit more reckless. He loves involving people in his interests so if you even hint about anime or hip hop he’s on you in a second to drop everything he knows about the subjects, he has whole list of series, artists, and light novels he can’t wait to share! Of course he loves to hear about whatever you’re interested in at the time too and tries to get into it too! Day offs or slow days are anime days so be prepared to get hit with a spam of messages from Ichiro to watch that anime he kept talking about!

Dice travels literally all over the place, he deserves to know pretty much everyone, honestly.

🎲 Jiro and him are some rowdy boys, they get into all kinds of trouble! Whenever Jiro goes tagging sometimes Dice will tag along if he’s too broke to be gambling. If Jiro has any extra cash on him he’ll take Dice to get something cheap to eat since he can’t have him starving himself. Honestly, Dice is like having another older brother except he’s more embarrassing than Ichiro could ever dream to be.

🎲 He usually ends up seeing Samatoki at some of the casinos around Yokohama and like the true idiot he immediately begs for money, not the smartest thing to do to a yakuza but this is Dice. After being yelled a firm no, he’ll usually bum a smoke off him and the two will chat for a little. Sometimes if Samatoki is feeling friendly he’ll tell Dice about any gambling rings happening and if hes being even friendlier he’ll warn him about the dangers too.

🎲 Jyuto and him have run into each other a couple times although it was mainly him having to be escorted off private property. Every time Jyuto gets a call about about someone trespassing he gets so exhausted the moment he shows up and its just Dice again. After being pretend arrested Dice always ends up begging Jyuto to drive him to Rios camp.

🎲 Hifumi has found Dice in the alleyways he takes to the train station, the two usually chat on the way back to his apartment because Dice can’t say no to Hifumi’s cooking. After eating everything Hifumi would make him he’d usually either beg for gambling money or just enough to get back home. Although, on winning days he’ll visit the club, request Hifumi and a champagne call as thanks for feeding him with an extra bonus of downing a whole bottle of champagne.

🎰 Congratulations you have gotten your very own stray cat! Dice is constantly coming and going so don’t be surprised to wake up and find him sleeping on your doorstep or couch if you gave him a key. He’ll be looking to you for food and the occasional pity 10,000 bills because he swears THE NEXT ONE IS THE WIN PLEASE. You never have to worry about telling him no though, his ability to go from groveling to standing on his feet to just chat is at a record speed. He usually spends his time gambling but if you can’t then he’s more than fine just talking a walk through the town pointing out places where he won or places he lost everything and had to hide while he waited for Gentaro. Past all the begging he’s a funky boy here for a good time and when he hits that 777 you are definitely one of the first people he goes to when its time to celebrate!

#🌺🌸#Honestly there is just so many kinds of combinations in Hypmic that aren't expanded enough on #Even in fanfics #LIKE WHERES MY SASARA DOPPO FRIENDSHIP #Sasara tries so hard to make people laugh and seeing Doppo would be like a challenge to him #Honestly just give Doppo more friends thats all that matters #Sorry theres no Jakurai and very lil Hifumi #Hifumi would totes teach Ichiro more recipes for his bros #Jakurai has def had to take care of Dice when he gets into fights or to feed him when he sees him starving #DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON RIO AND JAKURAI BEING FRIENDS #Rosho being a fan of Gentaros work??? idk but i love it #I hope this reads fine!! My brain has been dumb with writing lately!#Sorry its pretty lopsided and only the three #Also happy birthday to Ichiro!

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rosapeachhogwartsmystery · 6 years

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Spending time with Bowtruckles to relax (Hogwarts Mystery Imagine - (fem!)reader x Barnaby Lee)

Masterlist (To view my Masterlist, visit my Tumblr page)

A/N: I kind of began writing it as a gender neutral fiction, but the ending isn’t really gender neutral anymore. So, I’ve written a warning so you will know where things aren’t gender neutral anymore. I’m sorry for those who want more gender neutral fictions with Barnaby. I’ll try to make the next fiction more gender neutral for you.

Words: 2.4k

_________________________________________________

"There you are Barnaby Jr." You said when you were on the grounds where Care of Magical Creatures is given. You knelt down and gently let the Bowtruckle jump on your hand.

The Bowtruckle seemed happy to see you there, like it had been waiting for you to return. You weren't really allowed to bring the Bowtruckle along with you, because it was not on the list of pets you could keep. Besides, Bowtruckles could be dangerous if they were threatened. You would probably be punished if you brought the Bowtruckle along with you. You were glad Professor Kettleburn allowed you to take care of this Bowtruckle on this ground. You got attached to the Bowtruckle and you liked to take care of it.

You smiled when the Bowtruckle went up to your shoulder. "You sure like climbing up, don't you?" You said amused. It was almost like Barnaby Jr. shrugged when you asked. Taking care of Bowtruckles was relaxing to you. It kind of helped you whenever you felt stressed out by your exams or the Cursed Vaults. Taking care of Magical Creatures just kept your mind from anything that could worry you. No one knew about you more spending time with Magical Creatures. You didn't mind them not not knowing about it, because you did prefer to keep them ignorant about the fact you were dealing with stress. How could they trust you with the Cursed Vaults if you were stressed? No, you wouldn't tell them about it, that was final. You didn't want them to worry about you, after all it was just a little stress, nothing more.

You had been lying down on the grass when the Bowtruckle seemed to enjoy itself, climbing on top of you. "You seem to have a good a good time, Barnaby." You mumbled. "How did you know I was here?" You sat up and blinked when you saw the real Barnaby. You blushed a little and then you grinned awkwardly. "Oh, I.. eh... I was talking to the Bowtruckle." You mumbled. He seemed to be confused. "You called a Bowtruckle Barnaby?" "Well, Barnaby Jr. is its full name, but that is a long story." Just thinking about giving the Bowtruckle that name made you blush. "Anyways, what are you doing here." You decided to change the subject, not wanting to tell him why you called the Bowtruckle after Barnaby. "Oh, I thought Professor Kettleburn could let me help him with some Magical Creatures, just for some extra experience and stuff. It could help me become a Magizoolist in the future." He said honestly.

"What about you?" Barnaby asked. "Oh, just taking care of this Bowtruckle during my free time." You said. "And sometimes I help Professor Kettleburn with other Magical Creatures." "Oh, I didn't know how much you were into Magical Creatures lately, Y/N. Do you also want to become a Magizoolist in the future?" He asked. "I'm not sure yet, but I sure do like Magical Creatures, especially Bowtruckles." "Awesome." He said with a smile before he walked closer to you and sat down. You were looking at the Bowtruckle, who seemed to be curious about the new person that sat down next to you. "So, Kettleburn allowed you to take care of Barnaby Jr.?" He asked.

You nodded and smiled lightly. "Yeah, I got to meet the Bowtruckle during our fourth year. I got attached to it after Kettleburn told me to take care of it for a little while, so I came here once in a while to spend time with it."

"I see, but I suppose you come here more often nowadays." Barnaby said. You blinked and looked at him. "Why do you think so?" You asked, raising an eyebrow. "People have been wondering where you are lately, especially Rowan." He said. "Of course, I was curious myself, but I thought it would be better to leave you alone. You were probably just busy." You rolled your eyes slightly with a grin.

"Well, thank you for being so considerate." You said softly. "I guess I should have expected people to find out I have been gone a lot more than I used to." "You shouldn't worry too much about it. I mean, if you want to have some time alone or anything they should respect that. I mean, they all have their own things as well." "I suppose you are right." You said before you lied down on the ground again.

"You are doing all right, aren't you?" Barnaby decided to ask. You sighed. "I could be doing better." "Oh..." He said, wondering if he could ask what was up or not. "If you want you can tell me, but that is up to you." You were unsure whether you wanted to tell him or not. After all, you didn't want to worry your friends because you were stressed. However, Barnaby seemed to be open minded, so he might not be too worried about it. You sighed and then you looked at him. "I'm just a little more stressed lately. Looking for the Cursed Vaults and studying for my N.E.W.T.s is harder than I thought. So, I come here mostly to relax and keep my mind from thinking about everything I am worried about." "If this helps you with stress, it is a good way to cope with things. I mean, I heard taking breaks like these are important to keep going." He knew it was good to have breaks whenever you were studying hard. "It's a pretty hard year and I sure have quite some subjects to keep up with to pass this year." He said, rubbing the back of his head.

"I think you have improved a lot these past years." You told Barnaby honestly. He blinked. "You think so?" "Yeah, you used to struggle a lot more during our third year." "Well, you guys have helped me out a lot." He said with a grin. "That is what friends are for, right? Or do you still call me your partner?" You smirked lightly when you remembered him calling you a partner at the beginning. Barnaby chuckled, blushing slightly as well. "Well, you and Tulip used a Dungbomb on Ismelda and me." He said. "I wasn't sure if I could really trust you." "And you do trust me now?" You asked amused. "Most of the time, yes." He said with a grin. "Good, that means you have learnt from spending time with me." You said with a wink.

"Well, being friends with you can be more difficult than being friends with Ismelda and Merula sometimes." He joked.

"So much more difficult, after all, I don't order you around or insult you." You said and then you rolled your eyes.

"No, you convince me to come along." He said amused.

"Well, you can't just force people, can you? I don't think I would be strong enough to force you." You said.

"I don't know what you are thinking, but you seem strong enough to me." Barnaby said honestly. "You must be mistaken, I'm not that strong." You told him. "Well, you are strategic, so your intelligence is your strength. Also, you are not that easy to pull out of the way. I would say you have trained a little." He said with a grin. "Besides duelling and flying class, I don't train that much." "You are also physically active during Care of Magical Creatures." He pointed out. You shrugged and glanced away. Barnaby frowned and kept his eyes on you. "Are you doubting yourself?" He asked. "Sometimes." "Why?" He asked, not seeing why you should doubt yourself. "Because I don't want things to go wrong. I mean, my brother got in serious trouble during his search. I suppose the older I get the more worried I get about looking for the Cursed Vaults." You explained. "I don't want to end up the same way Jacob did." "You don't want your wand to be snapped." He said.

"Besides that, I have no clue what I want to do with my life after Hogwarts. I want to have good grades so I'm able to make choices, but so far I have no real directions. There are just so many things I would like to do, but eventually I would need to make a choice." You said. "And here I am, venting to you. Sorry about that." You mumbled, sighing softly afterwards.

"It is fine. You don't have to apologize." He said. "It seems like you really needed to, Y/N." "Still, I didn't mean to do such a thing." "It doesn't matter, you needed it. I think it is important you can vent yourself somewhere. You don't want to bottle your feelings up until you can’t handle it anymore, do you?” You knew Barnaby had a point. Bottling your feelings up could cause you to break down eventually. “I suppose you have a point.” You said honestly and then your ran a hand through your hair.

“You know, you can always talk to me if you want to, I mean, if that helps you out.” He said honestly. “I mean, it’s the least I can do, right?”

Here you were, venting to Barnaby about how you were feeling. You honestly were surprised how easy he handled it. He didn’t seem to mind it, actually encouraging to be talk about how you are feeling.

“You don’t have to, I mean, I might not be the best person to talk to.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I do understand you would prefer someone else to talk to, someone who understands things better.”

“So far, you have understood me completely.” You told him honestly. “I think I have never talked about this to anyone else before… At least not like this.”

“So, you think I do understand what you have been talking about?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, you seemed to know what I meant.”

“I’m glad. I mean, it’s something I doubt sometimes.” He said with a chuckle.

“Let me guess, because people have called you stupid?”

“Exactly. People often think I won’t understand what they are talking about.” He said. “Well, perhaps if we are talking about Arithmancy, Potions and History of Magic, I won’t understand.”

“Well, I’m not good at every subject either, but that definitely doesn’t mean you are stupid.”

Things got a little quiet between you two again before you decided to speak up again. “Everyone has something to deal with… Sometimes, it feels stupid to talk about your own problems when everyone has problems. I don’t want to bother you all, especially because I dragged you all in to this mess.”

Barnaby sighed softly. “You know, we all agreed to help you out, right? It isn’t like we are being forced to help you.”

“I just don’t get it. Why would you guys risking to help me? You all know it could get you in some serious trouble, right?”

“Of course, but you are also our friend and we won’t abandon you just because it is dangerous.” He said honestly. “Besides, people think it is dangerous to befriend me because of my parents.” He shrugged.

“Your parents don’t define you, Barnaby. Just like Jacob doesn’t define me either. We are just ourselves, nothing else.” You said with a smile. “You know? I actually feeling a lot better now. I guess I kind of forgot how nice it is to talk to someone about these kind of things.”

“I’m glad you are feeling better.”

“Maybe we can be each other’s venting buddies.” You chuckled. “So, you can complain and vent to me about your problems and you can listen to mine.” You joked.

“Sounds interesting. Does that also include spending time with Bowtruckles?”

“Of course! I’m sure Kettleburn doesn’t mind it if you are also taking care of Barnaby Jr.” You said with a sweet smile.

fem!Reader ending

“Y/N!”

You turned around to see Penny and Rowan running towards you.

“Oh, hey guys.” You greeted with a sweet smile.

“Y/N, don’t tell me the rumour is real….” Rowan basically begged.

You raised an eyebrow. “What rumour?”

“About you and Barnaby.” Penny said. “We just want to know the truth.”

“You still haven’t told me about the rumour.” You said honestly, wondering what was so important. It was rumour, nothing more. There was no way it would have actually happened.

“They talked about a Barnaby Jr., Y/N.”

“Oh… Barnaby Jr.” You said, wondering what this rumour was about.

“So Barnaby Jr. does exist?” Penny asked with wide eyes. She couldn’t believe you said it so causally.

“Of course he does exist.” You said simply. “I didn’t know why you would make such a big deal out of it. I mean, Kettleburn allows me to take care of him. Barnaby didn’t even know about it before we spent some time together.”

“Wait, Kettleburn knows you are pregnant!?” Rowan nearly yelled.

“Woah!” You said, holding your hands up. “Pregnant? I’m not pregnant! Bloody hell, How could I be pregnant?” You said seriously.

“But who is Barnaby Jr. then?” Penny asked.

“Barnaby Jr. is the Bowtruckle I’m taking care of. Seriously, you guys I thought I was pregnant?” You frowned.

Rowan and Penny stared blankly at you before they both understood was what was going on. “Oooooh….”

“Yes, really ‘oooh’. I can’t believe you guys thought it was about a baby…” You mumbled softly. “Besides, I might fancy Barnaby Lee, but I don’t recall having a fun night under the sheets with him if you know what I mean.”

“Wait, you fancy me?”

You honestly thought you were going to die when you heard Barnaby’s voice behind you. Why did he have to be there? Why couldn’t he be somewhere else when you basically told him out loud you fancied him.

Rowan and Penny grinned awkwardly at you, giving you an apologetic look.

You took a deep breath and then you turned around to face Barnaby. “Yes, I do fancy you.” You said softly before you basically walked away from the scene.

This was definitely not what you had in mind. No, you were going straight to Care of Magical Creatures, so you would be able to calm yourself down again with Barnaby Jr..

“What just happened?” Barnaby asked, looking very confused. He knew he would need to talk to you later, but he couldn’t help it but to be very confused about this.

(A/N: Once again I’m sorry for the ending not being gender neutral because of the ‘MC is pregnant’ rumour I decided to add. I thought it would be funny if people believed the MC was pregnant because people kept hearing the name Barnaby Jr. >__>’)

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tumblunni · 6 years

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Random thought: the title My Medium for a story with a nonbinary protagonist?

I dunno, just cos I saw this random rpgmaker game called “Mix O/re” and my heart jumped into my throat for a second cos it vaguely sounded like one of those creepy dudebro slang terms for trans people, like “tr/ap” or any million combinations of crude terms for genetalia smashed together that I really don’t want to write here but am eternally sad that I had to witness.

THANKFULLY it was absolutely not that, and it just meant “mixed boy” as in “you have one of three selectable backstories for your main character”. Phewwwwwww! Tho it also sadly ended up being something I’m not really interested in, instead of a dating sim its a misdirect horror game playing with dating sim tropes. I really dont have the stomach for stories about abusive relationships and stuff, so No Thanks, Sorry!

But anyway it just got me thinking about if its possible to make a title for a story that subtly lets you know it’s about trans or NB people without being any form of offensive? Cos like seriously almost every damn euphemism for us has already been appropriated as bigots and used more often than the actual word trans...

Oh, and another random story of this thing! There used to be a game called The R/oyal Tr/ap, and that title came off as a sort of negative statement of intent about the author’s feelings when it turns out the big twist is that one of the characetrs is a trans woman. But it actually turns out that the author just legit didn’t know this was a popular internet insult against trans women, and it was a big ol stupid coincidence! So I kinda admire hearing about how she struggled with Steam’s administration to get the title changed to Confines Of The Crown instead. Apparantly its quite difficult after something’s already been released, so it had the new name as a subtitle on the artwork and title screen for a while before the Steam database got updated.

Though honestly the game still isn’t a great trans reputation anyway, its kind of a weird mess where its left way too ambiguous whether this is indeed a trans girl or a cis boy who was abusively mutilated by the parents who ‘wanted a girl’. And like seriously ‘forced to be trans because they wanted a girl’ is a stupidly common trope in dating sims so yeah. Its just.. not usually complete with descriptions of genital surgery. I mean the game talks about assassination and political drama and stuff but even if it’s quite tamely described and never visually shown, i think CHILD GENITAL MUTILATION should have warranted a higher rating! Also her ‘happy ending’ is kinda weird cos its like ‘i read in picture books that vaginas arent meant to look like this, i guess i’m a freak’ and then she meets a boyfriend who has self image issues because he went prematurely bald in his 20s and its like ‘i love you because i’m ugly too’???? Also his design makes it kinda unclear whether he’s still in his 20s or older, and I think the trans princess is only meant to be 17? And with how it describes her as so damn sheltered that she DOESNT KNOW WHAT SEX IS AND HAS TO READ A PICTURE BOOK, it gives off bad vibes of a power imbalance even if it isnt an outright pedophiliac one. Also seriously that’s what casts aspersions on the game claiming that the trans princess totally transitioned willingly, cos seriously she DOESNT KNOW that she’s trans until she sees pictures of cis genetalia! Just a big mess of very strange writing decisions that ruined the game for me cos i couldnt tell if it was trying to be pro trans or anti trans. And even though now its confirmed the writer wanted it to be progressive and listened to her trans fans pointing out one mistake, there’s kinda still..a loooot more mistakes.. So yeah *shrug* just wanted to vent about a bad game i guess. I should replay it tho to see if its really as bad as i remember, or if they rewrote it along with the name change?

THIS HAS BEEN A RANDOM BUNNI POST ABOUT UNRELATED TRANS THOUGHTS

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dual-a · 6 years

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The only thing you gotta know from this is I’m coming back and I wanna do stuff with this blog if you want just scroll down if you dont wanna see my breakdown

so I know this is abusing my following on this acc to vent and speak about this but I have to plus this is my main blog so yeah if you wanna know more about me venting and what this blog is going to change into, continue my fellow cowboys, sorry for the wrong spellings this was typed out so fast

so ive finally begun to feel better. like, i guess i wasn’t in the best state for a while and thats just not fun. but when i announced my official hiatus (because i havent really gotten into a rp in such a long time because im the worst being ever) and i just felt numb. like i would sit there every second, especially at night, just letting my anxiety eat me up and not let me do anything. my grandfather’s stroke is partly why this is happening i believe because my family wanted to protect me by leaving me completely in the dark and “prayers will work!! dont worry your abuelo will be good as new.” while i really believe in the science and shit like that but im not going into my complex relationship with religion right now. so the other night, my aunt, who has been there with my grandfather every day, finally told me not everything that was going on but enough for me to know the gist and a lot of details. it was finally the time where i really got to just sit there at one in the morning and just sob. i dont know why im going to share this but i feel good typing it out and my other half of the family has built themselves up for the longest time in the industry and have just gotten so much money. we live an entirely different life style from them and yeah. my great tío came in town last week and made so many calls and is now paying an incredible health care and family advocate to come in help us since none of us are doctors. the woman is already proved herself to be one of the best and it is just going to be so much better, i believe. my grandfather also has been receiving medicine to decrease the likely hood of another seizure happening and it isnt what he needs. we’ve refused those medicines (after thorough hours of research) and he is already more alert, happy, and not in a state where its almost like he’s in a coma. hes already in rehab and im just so hopeful now. i just want him to come back to us. He bought me and him tickets to see Cinderella live as a play as a stupid thing for us to spend time together. He bought those tickets back in January. The thing was yesterday. It was so beautiful and my aunt took me to see it in his absence. to be honest, the only reason i wasn’t sobbing the entire time is because my mascara wasn’t waterproof (a powermove) i don’t even care for something as cinderella but just seeing it with him is all i wanted.

So if you actually read the rant, I’m so thankful. I really don’t deserve you and thank you for putting up with me it means the world just to read about me while i cry typing that bullshit. So you wanna know what this blog is gonna be now? Well, I wanna develop these characters so much more. I want asks telling me how i should do better and how their designs could be tweaked to make it so they aren’t mary sues or whatever. I do kinda wish to move Marcio ( @galramari ) to this blog, but I’m not sure. I want to add characters that are little side characters to Aami and Ani’s stories that I haven’t talked about much. I wanna know what youy guys think and I’m gonna come back after I’ve produced more art and stuff and more information. I’m honestly so blessed to have a following on this blog when I don’t deserve it and all the muns I’ve grown closer too and while they have been there for me when I really don’t deserve anything. (Gosh, I keep saying that.) I also want people telling me how i should write aami in a better way. I honest to god love her and she is one of my favorite ocs tbh. I just despise how i write her. Just tell me what you think and sorry for the long post if you clicked this I guess.

#coming back #vent #please tell me what you guys think in asks i really need it to help my self esteem

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asakurahaos · 6 years

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ive been trying to keep it to myself but i cant take it anymore i have to vent sorry guys. negativity ahead.

so this monday mom and i have had a session w my psychologist, and we continued talking abt things we did last time, which is my problems w studying and how it affected me and my family

the thing is ive always had problems w studying, but my parents helped me a lot during elementary and middle school and i was always at the top of my class. then in highschool, we had a deal that i would study and do everything on my own.

only that worked out horribly and, no matter how hard i tried and told myself i could do it, i still had as much problems studying as i had before. my grades dropped and i was amongst the worst students in class and almost failed a few subjects.

my mom... didnt take that very well. we always argued, even before, because both of us are easily riled up, but it reached new levels. we would shout at each other and it was horrible. she would tell me i was lazy, i wasnt trying hard enough, i was wasting my potential, compared me to my classmates and friends from elementary/middle school, and it. really angered me and hurt me. because i knew i was trying, and i knew that i was different from them.

but what hurt me the most was that. i told her my problems multiple times, and i felt like she put fingers in her ears and didnt listen to me at all, only to say the things she said to me anyways.

she kept telling me those were all the usual teenage problems and that everyone else was dealing with the same things, and that they all just sucked it up and got over it.

and that ended up in me thinking i was stupid. because obviously thats what i was? i couldnt learn one lesson in weeks and some people did it in hours? and because obviously they had a hard time focusing too because thats completely normal, they just werent lazy or complaining like i was.

and the fact that i was feeling worse and worse every day until i started planning out ways i could commit suicide was also normal. because its just a part of teen angst, and everyone else felt like that. everyone else felt relieved when they scratched things like 'stupid' 'bitch' and 'i hate you/myself' on their arms and thighs. because everyone had passed through a phase when the only things they could feel were sadness or anger, and everyone else fought tears in the bus on their return home from school.

everyone else had to remind themselves they were happy and not depressed because they cant be depressed if they have a home and a family and were safe

i convinced myself that all of this was completely normal. its just how life worked, and i was a stupid, spoiled, lazy brat who just liked complaining and doing things i enjoy.

and tbh i still feel like this. like none of my feelings are valid, bc im just too sensitive and this is all perfectly normal.

anyways, we were talking abt my feelings and the entire situation this monday in much more depth and i cried and idk when was the last time i felt that upset and i had no idea it still hurt just as much as it did then. and it hurts because this is the first time my mom completely believed in all ive been telling her, over and over, all those years. but i also feel guilty for ever mentioning any of this

because mom finally believed me and i can see how upset she is that she didnt believe me and how she handled it all. and the worst part is, because im not someone who cant lie easily, when my psychologist asked me whether or not there was something she could do to make me feel better about it now, i immediately said no. because there isnt. and i saw how it broke her, and on one hand i cant lie and i dont want to lie, because this is important to me, to get it all out, but its hurting her and i dont want to see her hurt

she, my dad and grandma are my everything and i hate the thought of anything hurting them, and now im being the one hurting mom and thats fucking me up so bad

shes been rly quiet and every conversation weve had since has been awkward i hate it so much i wanna go back and make these sessions unhappen

and i guess digging up that stuff made me dig up other stuff id like to forget from back then and i feel like its all piling up on me at once and like its pulling me back to that mindset from back then and i really dont want to go back to that

#this is a mess and im sorry if you read this but im on mobile andcouldnt put it under a read more #but i had to say this somewhere #personal

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kamalkizehr · 7 years

Conversation

Thoughts i wanted to unload xp

I understand the view points of many of those in america at the moment republicans and liberal alike but how is having trump any way helpful and is an actual ban on people from different countries or a wall between one neighbour actually that helpful i mean illegal immigrants arent good but a fucking ban a wall loud public statements That are controversial questionable can be taken offensively (dude come on if shoe was on the other foot a lot of republicans would have been offended and go on a gaint Facebook comment section war

Again )

But another question why has the rise of triggerers risen like

There are more republicans who would post or say something offensive just to plain see people react and act like a troll rather than defend their stance on the politcal matters

Which in my opinion the clashes wouldn't have happened if more people (democrats ) went forward with ideas and stances after making sure everyone was on the same page though because frankly if they did i think not everyone would be having so many disagreements

Sure its not offensive, illegal or bad for a guy to wear make up many men have been employed in cosmetics for years eventually they we're gonna wanna show off the skills on themselves for once instead of models or maybe a lot of people are coming out have every right to and but why not try and keep it pg or at least understand not every parent wants their children exposed to something thats hard to explain for a certain amount of time and later when the child is mature or adult enough to understand the topic give more info and allow that freedom so he or she can decide for them selves but at the appropriate age because frankly does anyone else not find 12 year old bisexuals weird

Dude come on this stuff needs a limit everything needs a limit and more education thats key but get on the same page and teach kids math and let them graduate at least before he or she decides to become a weed addicted demi sexual pan romantic traveling artist in Nebraska i mean like

YOU DONT NEED THAT SHIT TO BE SPECIAL

NOR TO BE AN ARTIST

OR ANOTHER SEXUALITY

AND IT DOENST MAKE YOU SUPERIOR OVER ANYONE NOR DOES TRYING TO BECOME A MINORITY

THE MINORITIES WILL ALWAYS NEED TO BE IMPORTANT SO THAT THINGS REMAIN FAIR

BUT MENTAL, PHYSICAL DEASES NEW SEXUALITIES AND GENDER IDENTITIES GIANT ARGUMENTS OVER WHOS WORSE WHOS BETTER AND WHY PEOPLE OF A RELIGION OR A RACE OR CAST SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN A COUNTRY

for one sorry i was shouting but like

I am gonna bring up the stupid over used facts all Americans are immigrants and that not all of them had great lives back in europe which is why they moved isn't there hypocrisy in saying middle eastern people don't get to do that

But again some should stay but why not give elderly, parents and children a pass sure europe has many other options aswell but is it so awful some people choose America fine if its a ban And no dont we dont want more immigrants

Fine just be nice to the ones you have than frankly is that so hard

And dont start Ohhh but feminism is just bitchs wanting to be better

It isnt like that man i mean like moms should get maternal leave

And dads should have time off too to help out

If a woman hits a man or falsely accuses him of abuse or rape should get punished obviously but for God's sake if there weren't so many perverted idiots and guys who think its ok to just go invading a woman's personal space isn't cool and the fear of it is something that is a main reason that's basically help create the giant following

Is it unfair and used extremistly at times ofcourse everything and anything will be misused this is humanity we're talking about not saints or prophets those A**holes left a while ago

(Getting to religion)

But is it so bad to be a feminist really man

Come on for gods sake it isnt its just wrong when it turns biased and in the favour of the other gender which is basically just sexism not feminism

(Can we please agree on the fact there might be a fucking difference!)

And true western countries dont need it as much as middle eastern or south Asian African or south American even might need it but feminism isnt a bad thing (PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT NEVER STARTED AS A BAD THING IT WAS FAIR THEN AND THOSE WOMEN STARTED IT OUT OF JUSTIFIED REASONS AND IT DID BENEFIT BOTH GENDERS LOOK IT UP DO SOME RESEARCH MALE RAPE CASES WERE FINALLY OPEN BY THE FBI THANKS TO THE MOVEMENT IN THE 60'S ITS A THING THAT CAN BE BOTH GOOD AND BAD JUST LIKE REPUBLICAN IDEALS OR LIBERAL AND NEITHER STARTED AS BAD THINGS! )

As well for religion why must everyone use the term not all Muslims are terrorist but all terrorists are Muslims like the liberals have points for that thatsoffensive man seriously AND THAT IS SO NOT HELPFUL AT ALL MAN LIKE

I swear the amount of adults ive seen and met who think their religion is being destroyed and their customs as well because their children have become internet addicted assholes (like myself inculded ) who want to disrespect them their Morals and values and become foreigners and American ofcourse because theyre so cool blah blah blah

(Personally fuck it i kinda like being Pakistani but i do enjoy the internet ) which for some reason has become a the main reason why I get lectured more than i think i really need man i mean my language can turn vulgar and i can be socially a little awkward if uncomfortable but like why is me liking rock music and youtube and having a accent a reason to assume i would rather be American i do love my home and where i am from i am proud of my family and where we come from but why enjoy every thing else in the world aswell and not be considered a traitor or something

(Ok too personal )

Alright maybe what i am trying to get is how come no one can just elect a decent a leader or agree to disagree about things but still respect each other stay open minded but have your morals close by and principles uncompromised biasness is human but why no agree to disagree and leave it at that

The insecurity increasing and old facade of wanting to be rich and famous and not work for it has come back

Help me on patrion, like my video post photo blah blah blah dude just get a job why is it so necessary to work in entertainment for hells sake

I mean its valid you wanna sure go ahead maybe you are worthy but like stolen content and fake stories and new sexualities for gods sake please

(No longer about politics i suppose )

Here's my mind on it i guess

LGBTQA community has every right a straight white male or female would have no more no less but gender and sexuality identification maybe kept a simple (memorable and easier to define on fine paper and print during adoptions divorce marriage leavint the country or not etc ) and that being hetreo, homo, bi, A and pan because that makes sense

Its simple

And works

And as well for gender identification

On fine paper

if you are Male to female m to f

Female to male f to m

Something less explainable just keep it trans

Because frankly leave it at that why not just like why not?

Its simple makes sense justified fair and but isnt over done for some petty individuals looking for attention to take advantage of (ofcourse no guarantees but why not just keep some faith ? )

And no one gets to chose all on paper until after 18 because thats fucking fair

(Come on its not like its illegal to come out say it in public )

And yes none of that would be applied in most countries especially not mine but it would be a good start in my opinion

Any way i think i am done venting my thoughts anyone who is annoyed can ignore (why did you read this much of it and not justgo three lines and decide nah boring lets bail )

Anyone who has an opinion or would just like to talk is welcomed BUT CAN WE PLEASE KEEP THIS CIVIL I MEAN NO DISRESPECT TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING BY THESE STATEMENTS

i was just venting some thoughts

And not trying to force them on anyone or anything but i just wanted this out of my head and see if others agree or not (no not for the purpose to be right or wrong ) but because i can't be the only one who thinks all the political maddness right now was all avoidable and that people are becoming

Weirder

Not in a good sense

Not because of religion race or anything like that just like

Mind sets

I feel like its like the key to harmony and at least balance or peace is right there no one wants to take it

I am probably going to regret posting this but i am gonna anyway not like people actual read my blog or anything

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humanlyimprobable · 5 years

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ok so im watching shane dawson’s video about eugenia cooney and i guess its helped me realize some things about my own weight? and mental health around it? im gonna put it under a read more so as not to accidentally trigger anyone hopefully, just know that nothings too severe, this is just some stuff i didn’t notice that i wanna get better with.

ok so, for most of my life i’ve always been an incredibly skinny, small person. to the point where it’s the main comment i’ve recieved through out my entire life. “you’re so skinny!” “you’re skin and bone!” “you need to eat!” “you’re tiny!” and the like. my weight’s always been really down there, for most of my childhood i was in the 50s pound wise. when i was at camp as a kid two counsellors discovered they could play catch with me thats how small i was. and this stuff has been 99% of my entire life. the only time it wasnt this way was when i was a literal toddler and still had a lot of baby fat to the point that my sister would call me santa claus cus my belly stuck out, which i didn’t mind, in fact i actively enjoyed it because santa claus is the best hes just a sweet generous old guy who give magical presents on christmas whats not to love?

anyways, im 18 and im in the 90s weight wise today. the most i have ever weighed in my entire life was just barely over 100 pounds. i still receive lots of comments about how tiny i am, to the point that most people dont take me seriously when i say things like “im gaining weight” or “my hips and thighs are bigger then the rest of me”.

idk. moving on to the food related stuff i guess, ‘m a super picky eater, there are a lot of foods that i just straight up cant eat cus theyre so gross it can be physically painful sometimes? other then that though i do genuinely love food. food is amazing and wonderful and if i had the energy and not germaphobia i would be cooking all the time because i just love food so much, and i love to experiment some times, i like trying new recipes, i love adding new things to recipes and seeing how it turns out. but uh, growing up my dad was very strict about food. if it was on your plate you had to eat all of it. no matter what it was. and this was awful for me, especially as an undiagnosed autistic person. i hated a lot of foods that ended up on my plate, and i had so many meltdowns at the dinner table. i still panic today at the thought of wasting anything, even when im genuinely full or have no use for something or hate something. i still panic because of how guilty he made me feel. and its made me scared to try completely new things.

but then there are other issues. germaphobia, general pickiness, lack of energy, so on that makes eating really hard for me sometimes. for those who dont know, my mom is a building manager, she is on call 24/7 pretty much, and she’s out most of the day. i feel bad admitting this but my mom is the main way i get food because my executive dysfunction, germaphobia, and fatigue issues make it so that the only things i can really feed myself are normally things like pizza pockets, rice cups, and cup noodles or ready made snacks like scones. i used to eat microwave meals for almost every meal of the day but i don’t want to live like that i want to eat real food, so i tried to cut down on it. everybody always talked about how bad they were for me so i tried to stop but its kind of left me in a worse off position considering the things i mainly eat nowadays (cup noodles are way worse for you then frozen spaghetti) but im scared to go back to the meals i ate before because im scared of being judged again. i wake up and maybe have a small snack if im able to tide me over till mom gets home and i can have something like a burger.

but thats the problem. mom is out most of the day. from the time i wake up to the time mom is able to take the time to help me get actual food is at least around 5 hours or so, and thats a long time to go. not to mention that after work shes so tired and exhausted that i feel bad just asking for her help to get food. by the time her work is done all she wants and what she needs is to go to bed but if she does that before helping me then i might go without supper.

then there are other issues. i mentioned before how 99% of my life i’ve always been a very skinny tiny person, and thats kind of something that i was known for for multiple times in my life. im always the tiniest weighs the least of my friend groups. and im kind f scared of gaining weight because of that. that time that i mentioned earlier where i was above 100lbs? it was scary. it was getting harder to recognize my body. i’ve almost always been able to see my ribs, but it was getting harder and harder to see them. my pants started getting too tight. and i was scared. i’ve lost other important parts of my identity before and it hurts. it hurts to go through that kind of identity crisis. and im scared of having another one.

ive always been told that i should be proud of how i look, because im conventially attractive in a lot of ways. but im not. this might sound stupid but its hard. i want to gain weight i want to loook different, be different! but. im scared. im scared of being seen as gross in any way. even f its not true at all. im scared of people seeing me differently. i’ve worked so hard to be who i am today, and i want to work even harder to be who i really want to be. i was trained into a lot of things that people know me as. and some of it is purely automatic at this point. to the extent that there are some things that i physically am almost completely unable to break out of. i want to change those. i really really do. i want to change so much. but im scared. ik i’ve said that a lot but i am. who will i be? who would people see me as? how would i function? i dont know. i really dont.

it actually makes me really uncomfortable when people talk about how skinny i am. i dont care as much about my height, though itd be nice to reach some higher selves i actually really like that part of myself. the weight is different though. its such a complex relationship that even this crazy long vent isnt an accurate way to sum everything up. im proud of it in a way, its something im known for, it makes me feel unique, and it is something unique about me right now. but in another way, i hate it. it makes other people see me as weak, defenseless, so on. it makes me a target of creepy men. its a product of abuse and disabillity in part. it contributes to my dysphoria. it contributes towards people not taking me seriously. its dominated part of my sense of identity in a way that i hate.

and thats what the eugenia video helped me realize. i might not’ve caught any of this if it wasnt for that video. it helped me see that unhealthy feelings about this stuff doesnt need to be/start as this crazy severe thing. there have been times when i legitamately have thought “maybe its good i haven’t been eating much lately” and i didn’t catch just how potentially dangerous those thoughts were until now. and i cannot express how thankful i am to shane and eugenia for helping me recognize that. i want to work on eating more. as best as im able. i want to work on gaining weight. i want to be better. and im gonna try to be.

#vent #weight issues #ask to tag #long post #like crazy long seriously #dont worry about me. i've recognized my issues and im gonna try my best to work towards getting better.#im ok currently and im gonna be ok.#this was incredibly important for me to recognize and think about.#its ok

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diaenerys · 6 years

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stupid personal venting post

ok im just venting cause i have nobody to talk to about this and all you porn blogs have always been real supportive. anyway

theres this guy i used to like (for like a lot of time) but we werent close and im a coward and ive never told anyone or tried to do anything. i dont see him anymore cause hes still in school and im not and like i said we werent close. i thought i got over it but it kinda comes and goes even though hes literally barely in my life just cause its always felt like this “one that got away” situation. idk like its not that deep but my crushes usually dont last that long and i always thought we would have been good together. i feel really stupid for still thinking about this because it really has no chance of happening (but im an optimistic daydreamer so you can be sure its very hard for me to let it go).

anyway my best friend has been talking to him for a long time now but she made it clear to everyone (including him) that it was completely platonic. she even panicked a while back cause she thought he wanted to be more. they kinda stopped talking for a while after that cause he denied it and it was awkward (i think he was lying though). to be fair she kind of had a boyfriend at the time and they dated for a while but it was casual and she broke up with him pretty recently (so it didnt really affect her much). she started talking to him again around that time, again completely platonically. recently though she started saying that she might want to be with him. shes the kind of person that shares everything, so she would have told me if she was thinking about it before.

for some reason im really bothered by this. i really shouldnt care but the thing is. i dont think she actually wants to do it, i just think shes bored and she wants some boy drama. shes known him for a really long time and not only did she never mention anything about liking him romantically, she always opposed to it. like if anyone said he qas cute or something shed disagree and like stuff like that that just made it obvious she doesnt see him that way. i know she likes him a lot as a person but this really did come out of the blue and shes not even sure about it.

i dont know if im jealous. i guess you could call it that. i just dont exactly know of what. i mean this sort of happened with another boyfriend of hers. i had a crush on him for a really long time before they started dating and then i forced myself to get over it. she didnt know obviously and we werent even friends really. besides that, shes really gorgeous and personality wise were similar in a lot of ways so i guess i always felt like she was the better version of me. or that that is at least how it looks like at first to other people cause when you really know us were quite different.

maybe its also cause ive ever had a boyfriend and boys dont really like me that much and for her it just comes so easily. its probably also the fact that if she does get with i really will have no chance at all cause it would be weird. i think thats whats really bothering me. i dont even still like him. i mean its this situation where i probably would if he was actually in my life but he isnt and so i dont really think about him that much, but my optimistic self just cant take the thought of that door closing completely.

also, she does know that i used to have a crush on him. i mean to be fair i mentioned it very casually and never really told her anything beyond that. like it was a while ago and i told her it was a long time ago and i didnt say it was serious. i mean it wasnt that serious. ok maybe it was. idk. idk if she even remembers that. but still i mean if i was in her place i would definitely be bothered by that. i cant talk to her about it cause its stupid and selfish although i did tell her that i thought i would be stupid. because i genuinely believe that, not because im jealous. i swear, i would never do that. i still try to be supportive like i didnt outright tell her (but i might actually be trying not to sound jealous). also i think he might like her and i dont think she truly likes him that way and i think its kind of mean to him. like it feels like shed be using him just cause he’s available. i told her that but shes the kind of person to not actually listen to advice and just end up doing what she wants. the thing is im not even that bothered by the thought of him liking her. its just all those other things i wrote about but im actually upset about it and i hate that. whatever. i need to get a new crush.

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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thoughts on ice skating

supposed to be under read more, sorry if mobile is weird!

i mean ive missed multiple weeks and alll in all the society/ practice is quite weird like the beginners teacher dude keeps rambling off about like olympics skating or how higher levels have this and this move and look ive taught that advanced kid over there and heres how they do that technique rather than concretely helping us develop those basic skills that were apparently flawed at. like how do i do that correction youre just showing me bc clearly im about to fall over bc idk how to do it. and i tried being all professional and interested and make the most of it for myself, but cant help the frustration when it goes out of the easy shit into the stupid spins because apparently i just cant do it. be it my skates are too thin or too sharp blades or my ankle is not strong enough or enough support thats why its going bad? idk even but i cant spin. cant do it. idk i kinda know multiple things that are fucking up and its frustrating and annoying and its just not gonna work yknow i can kinda turn 180. no i cant do the multiple spin spin spin that seems so easy. is it my skates or is it my inadequacy? im not getting new skates tho, im only here because i have my own skates a while back, im clearly so shit that im not even gonna be a milkly good figure skater im not gonna get in on that. i might as well do fuckin ballet rather than this. im actually looking into that kinda now id love to try.

ice skating is dumb in the way that ive done it since im a child but never as a hobby, like ive done it with most the time my own owned skates since like 3-4 yrs old like young. but school only ever teaches forwards and basic backwards (apparently its cheating backwards) and basic stop and turns and idk things you learn somewhat naturally and my coolest tricks always been sausages (or bubbles as they call them here) and those are apparently baby level beginner stuff and im just :| yeah i can do those tho. and now ic an do them backwards which is kinda cool, and im more confident one foor skating/gliding. but like never as a hobby so i guess none of that matters, i did try to do intermediate and could keep up to an extent but i guess my basics are so shoddy i wasnt doing well enough for my own standards, and even now looking over tho the teacher is better and more encouraging, everyone seems to be doing crazy tricks and jumps and spins and one leg up fancy shit and im just... ya. guess i cant be over there. cant do it. lemme just stand with mr blabber mouth. it is frustrating bc yeah maybe i wanna be that intermediate level, maybe i wanna go skate with my family/old friends and show off bc look i can do like 3 4 cool things im almost a real skater. but fuck i guess my skates are limiting me and i should try use the rental skates? that are dull af but have better support? idk, ive got blisters from them the last i used them and i dont particularly wanna use shitty skates. but i dunno even what to do, i dont particularly wanna drop on some fancy skates just to find smths wrong again and im shit and cant do it. maybe id suddenly improve and feel a lot better about myself and take it as a proper hobby but realistically nah. im actually kinda frustrated i dont even know if i wanna continue. yes i have a friend that goes, yes i have skates and you only get better by spending time on ice and id like to be better bc only recently ive realised how shit i am, (trust me its confidence boosting to have skated with bambis on ice who are afraid of moving at all and then i can at least go kinda fast if i want) but i cant even turn properly, cant stop properly neither. its just ugh, i dont think im getting as much out of it as i should be, i dont know if its the teachers fault, my skates fault, or my own personality/inability.

no im not doing the dumb kinda competition theyre organising in a few weeks. the criteria for intermediate (that i havent participated in enough anyway recently) is fuckin hops and drags (my skates do not drag! to sharp? idk) and spins and fancy shit i havent even ever tried to. yeah sure i could for the fucks of it do the beginners bc its uh, bubbles forward and backwards that i can do, and i can kind of do the chassee thing kind of. but i cant do a god damn spin for the life of me apparently so i might as well save my 5 pound and ‘pride’. ugh. besides the fun part was that he was talking abt the higher levels leg up glide thing, and had us do it against the wall bc ‘afraid well just face plant’ and i guess i can bring my leg up decently high when supported by the wall which is fun, and otherwise im not the worst of the 5 beginners that showed up. but yeah im just frustrated with it over all. dunno how long the clubs even gonna continue for, theres only one friend there that i would continue for which isnt great considering means i dont consider the others easy to make friends with or ones i could be fond of enough to over look the struggle of the hobby.

i think my plan was to call my dad not only to ask if they had a preference for when my friend would fly down to visit so she could buy her tickets, but i guess also i was going to say about the skate apparently being too soft and too thin/too sharp and express this frustration that i still cant do shit, that maybe even using unsharpened (and uncomfortable) rental skates could be better for skating and just wonder what im even doing abt this all. clearly not competing but idk even if we could just come to observe/skate for fun during the competition etc or if i should just skip to catch up/pack and clean idk. also im kinda annoyed at myself otherwise bc i just tuesday saw with J and shes off for a few weeks and i made such a good verbal plan saying id do an email and a summary im weeeeeks behind on on tuesday evening and prep for class today (didnt prep but it went okay anyway) and today i would have gone to class and to skating with a healthy meal (check check check) and come home to sign up and send the other email thats been bugging me, and then do my report due midnight i havent even started on. said id work after midnight if it was taking so long so id have it done..... i had a nap instead. not even a god damn shower i was planning to have tuesday and now its 3 am on thursday. ayy. sure i could skip classes tomorrow to shower and clean my room and maybe complete a task before i drag myself to an archery arrow lesson and badminton after (no thatll be fun, but ill be back rly late) but ive skipped so many classes and i wana see and be with my friends i might as well go, and if i get abandoned work on work somewhere in between classes and maybe actually get something done? gasp. shock. and still get home and do smth like clean and do dishes to be productive while anticipating fun thing, do it and come home and actually sleep bc im fuckin that over eh. but fuck. its not just that i have 1 overdue summary from two weeks ago, i have another summary due thursday night. maybe, in between classes i could do both, miraculous i guess yes but would be cool. do two summaries, send off both and an apology email for the other, take the spare chance to book myself another experiment if theyre still running and if not send an apology email bc i missed one in class one and ask what now. and then maybe even since the calendar is out get my 3 planned viewings booked so that i can see them b4 going back home and dont get fucked. maybe even add the corrections i got yesterday to my other report. wow wouldnt that be great. i could do them now but i should get to sleep right now heres hoping ill remember the corrections then. and then id need to look at the video for the assignment that was due yesterday and bring up the files and find the debrief and begin filling it in and maybe email researcher if i need to, and do the easy part. so that maybe logical me in a clean room will fill in the ethics part between classes on friday or after class or gasp on saturday bc im not going to st andrews after all... its a lot.. i hate that two days are wasted already. ugh. uGH. well get by. lets just try stay positive, now im going to sleep and wake up to go to my 11 class prepared to do some easy work between classes. yes yes. its probably weird that who ever has read this far has read all this shit and maybe i should just keep my shit personal and not post on my main blog bc surprisingly its open to anyone who just slightly would wanna see it,and though you likely dont know me in person its a bit weird huh idk. maybe this is here so my cousin can read it if she happens to , maybe its so that you can read it and be like ya i do that and i think like that too pretty cool im not alone, maybe its for me to read back and not have to be exposed to my worst ugly vents on my plain vent blog and can remain positive thomaybe not. its under read more anyway. lets try bury it guys.

#and other things #really dont need to read this #though im aware and sorry i guess read more doesnt work on mobile and you might just read this in curiosity and i dont necessarily want #these are just my own thoughts and theyre here to clarify my head. ok

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mystery-snail · 7 years

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hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done.

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.

#maybe dont read #its kind of personal #its really just me complaining #but if you feel you have solid advice on coping let me know

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tumblunni · 7 years

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okay.. well.. I may as well actually talk about this

I got the intial news like almost a month ago now, but its only now that I have more details and I’m actually going to the first meeting tomorrow. Also i was just so nervous I didnt know how to talk about it until now. So umm.. yeah! The long version under the cut, but in summary: I may be going somewhere soon, and for potentially 4-6 months. I may or may not have much access to the internet. But this is hopefully gonna help my mental health, I hope. And I have this money in my savings now I wanna keep it as a ‘reward’ of sorts after I finish this, and I’m really hoping to be able to take a holiday to america and visit at least one of my friends, depending on how many states I’m able to cross on this budget. And hopefully I might actually be more prepared for such a big journey, and if its my reward then I’ll be able to not give up!! No matter what!! So yeah more under the cut, umm:

I may be going to an intensive therapy location. Its a communal housing area with therapy support workers and a course that I have to go through. i’ve been repeatedly reassured that it isn’t as bad as some terrifying places I’ve heard of on the internet, its a confirmed NHS-funded health facility and its supposed to be more of a communal house than like.. a prison with electroshock ‘therapy’. I dont really have any info on it yet though, but thats what I’m doing tomorrow- im finally actually having a meeting with them and getting to see the house before I move there, and ask questions and stuff. And my support worker says that if I say no I don’t have to go. But I really want to go if it really is what it says it is! OF COURSE I want to go to a therapy activity camp course that can hopefully help me conquer my anxiety faster! its just that well.. because i have ANXIETY, i cant help but frantically research on the internet and come to the worst conclusions and assume thats what’s gonna happen, and its all a scary scam... Anyway, at the moment all I know is that I won’t be locked up in there with no freedoms, and there will be other patients too and hopefully I can make friends maybe, but also im terrified I’ll make a bad impression and i’ll be the worst person there while everyone else progresses and I don’t.. gah...

But even if this place is wonderful and amazing and has zero scary asylum stuff, its still quite likely that I won’t have internet while I’m there, so i wont be able to keep in touch with you all. I can access limited internet on my phone but the browser cant even handle running youtube so im not gonna be as active. Also I cant afford a huge amount of mobile data and all. But I just hope I can indeed keep phone internet enough to be able to message my friends if I’m having a bad day and stuff. i dunno if any of you would even remember me if I vanished for half a year, lol... But like.. if you do still wanna be friends after not seeing me for ages, I really do wanna try and visit america and meet some of you guys! (and if I could afford it, I’d wanna visit other countries too, I’m just picking america first cos I speak the language and I know the most friends who live there) Oh and umm.. if I’m gonna be gone for a long time I probably will need stuff to help me keep calm and keep going and stuff. I save all the fanarts I get from my best friends, they really fill me with love! But I’d love if also maybe when I leave I might ask you guys if you could leave me a message maybe. like, if I can find some way i can get all the messages without reading them. And then if I’m ever having a big panic attack, i can read them then and hopefully it’ll help me feel better! (tho lol if i opened that up to anybody then that weird recurring anon hater might troll me, so I’d like to just reserve it to close friends maybe) Oh, or maybe I could ask you guys to leave me drawing requests or writing requests or memes and stuff that I can work on while I’m gone? I suck at knowing what to draw, after all. And I also suck at being super slow to finish drawing, so this way it all works out!

But umm yeah basically, I’ll know more tomorrow when i go to meet them and have a tour. And I;m really anxious but also kinda excited, I hope it really helps me! But I’m still anxious and.. aaa... I just had to vent a bit to try and stay calm so I make a good first impression. i bought some new clothes to wear and I’m making sure my hair dye is even, cos I didnt have enough time to un-dye it back to a presentable colour :P

Oh and umm... its VERY UNLIKELY, so please dont worry! I don’t want to spread my worry to my friends! But umm.. just in case of the worst case scenario. I was told this would just be a first meeting, its not an intervention, I wont be taken there immediately. And I will be allowed to choose if I go, and all. BUT UMM If I don’t message anyone by this time tomorrow, I guess I didnt come back. I REALLY think I’m just being paranoid and I’m not gonna be locked up in some terrible illegal false therapy place! BUT IF I AM THEN YEAH JUST IN CASE If I am not dead, I will post tomorrow! Even if I’m too stressed and anxious to talk about what happened, I’ll make a short post just to tell you all I’m okay. if I don’t, then things went wrong. BUT THEY WONT! BUT I’M STILL ANXIOUS ABOUT IT! God I’m such an idiot...

also, of course, like usual, I’m still WAY MORE ANXIOUS about being a social failure than I am about dying or being electroshocked in an asylum XD I’m so terrified I’m gonna mess up and make them hate me aaaa I hope it goes well and I get accepted! And I hope the place isnt scary and the course looks like its actually gonna help me, and stuff. I’m way more scared of it being a social gauntlet than the electroshocks ITS NOT GONNA BE THE ELECTROSHOCKS, STUPID BUNNI but aaaa I’d rather have those than have to meet so many strangers, fuckkkk I’ve vented it out so i feel less scared I ate a big fruit smoothie full of powerful energy so I will be strong enough, and I will make another smaller one tomorrow morninG! Or.. umm.. I might be too scared to sleep and just keep going on this one, lol! and I’ve been stewing on it for a month now so a lot of the stress is out and I wrote down a big long list of questions I wanna ask, and I’m gonna have a notebook to write down anything they say and I’m gonna try on my new clothes tonight and get prepared but AAAA I dont have any formal clothes, and I dont know if i should even try and look formal or if i should look like how im gonna look when I’m there the whole time and i dont know if i should try and look as much like a girl as I can for the next six months, or if I should be honest about being trans, or if thats gonna hurt my chances of being accepted or anything... I dont know if my support worker told them when she was filling out the forms... and I keep washing my face trying to make the acne go away aaaaa why am i cursed with eternity acne, why am i the pimply faced teen even into adulthood why am i such a terrible brain broken adult who needs intensive therapy to begin with how on earth can i make myself look presentable when they already know i’m so trash gahHHHHHHHH

#bunnervous #i keep forgetting to tag my negative posts #sorry...

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mariahsparkle206 · 7 years

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Just a huge fucking vent post before I go back to my happy place.

Ugh were do i even begin? Well first of all, do not ever play that fucking “ive missed you, we should hang out” card if you’re not going to follow through. I understand that life gets in the way. Life is busy. And people change, therefore friends and relationships change (wow, weird concept right???). Anyway, im fine with loosing friends. I understand its life. but dont fucking bother me about we need to hang out and then completely act like IM supposed to drop everything to hang out with you. I gave this person my whole fucking schedule and said if you have free time and i dont have stuff planned, call me. They completely ignored my schedule and acted like i was being the dick. so i moved crap around for them, and they never showed cause they rather fuck their boyfriend. and lied about it. Fine. But i wasnt going to change my schedule again. And lets rant about this stupid ass schedule. I told my family, look i have a lot i need to do for my courses so dont plan a lot. what do they do. every damn day i have something i gotta do on top of running to the store on a daily basis cause they wont just let me do a big shopping trip ??? which i dont understand at all. i now personally know two of the checkout people. very well. Dont get me wrong, im happy to help out but then they wont even let me throw out expired food to make room in the fridge for the new crap. and im constantly cleaning just to have to do it all again tomorrow cause they wont throw their crap away or even put it in the sink. Im just so tired of trying to understand people when its so obviously apparent i never will. i always feel like im thinking completely different than others and on top of that i must also be speaking a different language cause the few times i do talk, no one listens. then lets start with my father. he literally said on my birthday at 5 in the fucking morning that he’s happy he was a shitty father to me. ????? what the hell was he thinking. then i stopped by on my brothers birthday and accidently stayed too long and he acts like he actually missed me and blah blah blah all because his bitch of a new girlfriend was there. but shes obviously messed up on drugs and i dont want her around any of my brothers or sister. then they both left super quickly. like weirdly quick. idk. my siblings deserve so much better. and im so tired of people using me. like now all of a sudden when its convient for others thats when they act like they care. ??? just stay away from me if you dont give a shit. im tired of being polite and playing along. then my mother. shes so ungrateful for everything. shes always complaining and complaining. then she wonders why im always mad. wow cause i never do anything right. no one can. youre never happy. and shes constantly telling me about these people i dont care about and all their problems and expect me to get all pissed about something that isnt my buisness. if they wanna screw up their money and life, let them. not my buisness so i dont care. then my grandma really wants to talk to me but she asks the same exact questions over and over and then doesnt even bother to listen to my anwsers. then my grandpa treats me like im an infant and have no clue about anything. then the people i went to the concert with (paid for the tickets months ago so had to go) kept asking me what others ones im going to and blah blah. they dont have money to go out to a concert every week like they are doing. they should be paying off their debts and bills, but thats not my buisness. but they kept getting pissy with me when i said look i dont have money right now, maybe this summer i’ll go to another concert with you. ?? what am i supposed to do? pull money out of my ass?? then this one friend. i love her but damn. she has all this money and a pretty easy life but she doesnt care because shes too boy obsessed to pull her head outta her ass. im tired of hearing about it. im just tired. people are tiring. i need a month alone in a cabin somewhere far away. im not a happy or people person. im a depressed piece of shit introvert.

#ugh #ugh ughhhh #ughhhhhhh #about the blogger #rant #vent #ignore me

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tumblunni · 7 years

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa tfw u have another game idea AGAIN i think my brain hollowed itself out for more idea space at the expense of everything else like ability to actually create my ideas or ability to remember to eat :P

this kinda isnt a NEW idea, its just something floating around in my brain that ive now got more of a concrete idea for, i guess? playing Oxygen Not Included reminded me of it and made me feel maybe people would actually be interested in it, yknow? and its probably not something i could ACTUALLY make, cos it’d require like.. a lot of my own programming. not really easy to just make in a helpful gamemaker enginey thing like rpgmaker. tho it is an rpg... kinda...?? ehhhh im not feeling very good today, sorry my writing is... bad

ANYWAY WHAT WAS I SAYING

Well the idea I has was for kind of a roguelike tower climbing rpg, like Azure Dreams or Persona 3 The premise would be that there’s a mysterious underground civilization, trapped for generations with no memory of the surface world. Between them and sunlight is this potentially-infinate magical labyrinth that nobody has managed to make it through. (At least as far as anyone knows. Everyone wants to believe that friends who dissappeared in the labyrinth actually made it to the other side, rather than.. well.. the other side.) So the game would be about tackling this labyrinth in multiple short sessions. My favourite genre: roguelikes that actually have some form of progression in them! Even though you’re dying a lot, you retain a small amount of what you gathered each time in the form of townbuilding progressyness and ~friendship routes~ and ~ETCETERA~!

But then after playing Oxygen Not Included I kinda have a burning desire to see a game that has the good bits of that and not the... Frustration. To say its a roguelike without progression is understating it, gahhhhhhhhhh! Roguelike sim game of 8 hour game sessions that get destroyed cos of one stupid mistake and you have to be all perfect and lucky and YOURE ALWAYS STARVING and gahhhhhhhhh THIS IS MEANT TO BE MY GAME IDEA NOT VENTING ABOUT THAT GAME Anyway I was thinking how it’d be really cool if a game like that actually DID have a sense of progression. And an actual end goal. Like.. if you were actually digging towards the surface! With periodic savepoints and characters that dont die so easily and have more personality to them and you get all attatched! I already got all attatched to my dumb sim characters and then just got really upset how they kept dying and the game seemed to not give a shit :P

But yeah its not like I can just completely copy that game, lol. Even if I wanted to, I dunno how to program a simulation type engine thing from scratch! So i was thinking like.. a regular roguelike randomized dungeon generator actually IS possible in Rpgmaker, so I dunno.. I could find a way to make that work with some kind of ‘you are actually creating the dungeon’ type thing. i really like the idea of being able to dig your own path through the thing and have it permenantly etched there forever. I was thinking it could be an awesome idea if in the postgame you could come back to the now-empty labyrinth after everyone’s escaped to the surface, and be able to walk through it and have a big ol nostalgia trip. One that’d be unique to every player! And like.. maybe even be able to see changes, like it being reclaimed by nature and flowers? And you could upload a dungeon seed for your own personal dungeon, so that other players could play it, and that could be the postgame replay value~!

game name ideas i guess Catacomb Crawl Boundless Down

and I was thinking the protagonists could be two kids and be a grumpy older sibling who’s a jerk to their well-meaning-but-immature lil sib, but loves them deep down, and has to learn a lesson about becoming a more responsible sib, and etc like.. yeah.. basically inspired by over the garden wall i didnt really like that show, and i felt bad about it cos everyone was telling me it was a masterpiece. alas! :P aaanyhoo they’re not very developed yet, except older sib being a bit of a comical greedy coward type of person and lil sib actually being quite wise but always underestimated. Like, they have more common sense than their big sib even though they are a lil naive sometimes cos theyre so optimistic. Both sibs get each other into trouble pretty often, but they balance out perfectly to save each other each time! And lil sib is kind of a pushover who just obeys big sib unquestionably and can never stick up for themself when big sib is being all ‘ugh ur so immature im totally better'. They’re just like... the sort of person who’s so scared of their friends leaving them that they let anyone hurt them as much as they want as long as they stay. Very relateable to Bunni! Also they sorta try and pretend to be the dumb sidekick and class clown. Cos again theyre worried if they disagree or try and stand out too much then their sibling will hate them. Quite often their ‘dumb mistakes’ are actually the older sib’s fault, and they’re stuck like ‘AAAA I CANT TELL THEM TO STOP COS ITD BE OUT OF CHARACTER. I NEED TO BE THE CUTE BABY.’ And its all super complicated cos older sib acts like they resent them for never growing up too, its like.. cant ever win. This whole thing has kinda turned them into an anxious mess deep down. part of big sib’s whole redemption arc would involve them having to realise that their actions arent harmless, and treating such a young child this way actually has a permenant effect. And like... big sib doesnt know how to take care of little sib on their own because they’re immature themself! Being able to admit that instead of trying so hard to be all fake ultra mature and infallible, thats another big character arc. As well as aknowledging that lil sib is indeed growing up and becoming someone intelligent and independant. And realizing that the reason they keep putting them down is so they can try and deny that, and the reason they’re denying it because theyre JEALOUS! Jealous that little sib might have their emotions more alltogether than them, scared that their emotionless facade of perfect big sibness will be broken, and scared that without that they’ll have nothing left. Need to become more comfortable with trusting and relying on your lil sib, need to actually talk to them about this stuff, yo! Ideally I’m gonna try and write it in a way that doesnt make big sib seem like a completely hateable villain. Their backstory is gonna involve being from not exactly the nicest family, and both struggling to escape what they’ve been shaped into. And trying to learn how to take care of each other as a real family, when they have no real frame of reference for what real love looks like. And also climbing a bigass tower to save humanity from being entombed underground, but that’s comparatively easy, lol! But yeah the idea is that big sib kinda absorbed more of their bad parents’s ideals, and like... they love their sibling so utterly and deeply because they just did not know what family love felt like until they came along. And it really REALLY hurts them whenever they realise they’ve been subconciously being neglectful or hateful towards the lil fella, but theyre so distracted by like.. the greed of being free now. And doing anything and everything, drunk on that freedom! And not really being capable yet of caring about other people when they havent even learned how to care about themself. They keep being all decadent and delinquent and it seems like theyre egotistical but still deep down they HATE themself and this is all just like a ‘fake it til you make it’. And its so easy to get caught up and go too far to try and put on this facade, and they feel they cant really vent their real feelings to anyone. Cos they’re super cynical dont trust anyone except sibling loyalty like. Only way to survive! And like... cant talk about it with the sib either, because little kid wouldnt understand, and if they do then that means theyre not little anymore. They dont wanna ruin lil sib’s childish innocence cos like.. that innocence is their only reason to live. Innocent stupid bastion of family love, came into their life and gave them the courage to deal with those shitty parents gahhh! And part of them ‘knows’ that the only way to love anyone is to be deluded and innocent. You have to be too stupid to realise that the world is awful and everyone sucks and loving people just gets you hurt! And big sib is toooootally smart cos they know that life is meaningless. But they’re entertained by seeing a stupid person stupidly believe in optimism. Totally. Thats the only reason they wanna protect that innocence. Totally. sooooo basically imagine a very mentally ill mess of a preteen that’s curled up in the corner crying perpetually within their own mind, while on the outside they’re all HA HA I’M AMAZING, BITCHES And also imagine that bunni is able to write good enough to explain these damn characters aaaa im very tired im sorry

anyway summary: protagonist is a jerk, Character Development: The Game, you will cry for little sib whom is basically like penny from inspector gadget also I was thinking maybe this could be the one and only time I do the Amnesiac Protagonist Cliche Setup. eeeexcept not really?? well i mean I think it’d work cool if these characters were new to this setting, but I wouldnt actually do 100% amnesia thing I was thinking more like... they are the only two people who came from the outside world. And they just can’t remember how they got here, they wake up trapped in this place and everyone thinks theyre crazy for talking about being from somewhere aboveground. So you have an even more desperate motivation to escape compared to everyone else! I mean of course everyone wants to return to the surface, but its been so long that no-one remembers what it’s like, and so many attempts have failed that they’ve all given up. So you can act like a beacon of hope and lead the people even though you’re just a child. Like, this is about a morally bankrupt trash protagonist being dragged kicking and screaming into heroism, lol And of course we can have some good ‘ol mystery amnesia reveal type plot thingies! But without having to have a protagonist who’s COMPLETELY clueless, and a game beginning with no direction whatsoever. Its more like a ‘trapped in another world’ story except its the same world just a few thousand miles underground, lol. And revealing how exactly they got there and what they’ve forgotten is gonna be a plot, yes, but also there’s the bigger mystery of what on earth this doom labyrinth is and what caused these poor people to be trapped in it! And what they’ll even find when they finally reach the surface again, will it really be the sort of paradise they’re all hoping for? also many tears for sad dysfunctional tiny family of awkward childrens, ye also (hopefully) fun dungeon gameplays

so yeah bunni is tired and delirious and rambling Thoughts at you dunno if anyone was interested in any of this, but there you go!

#labyrinth sibs game

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Oh that’s cute! The title screen has a random chance of switching between the two different ‘masks’ of the characters each time you boot it up!

Okay I’m gonna start a bloggin’ my comments as I play this game! Woo!

Wow, a quick travel menu between checkpoints in the story is incredibly useful for multiple ending visual novels! I’m surprised I’ve never seen one do it before! Tho its a lil silly the game shows it the first time you boot it up.

Also, randomly, just gotta say that I really like the protagonist’s human form design! The colourscheme is a nice unusual one that just caught my eye immediately, and I like the little dot pattern accessories. Feels very vintage shoujo even if the art style isnt.

I... dont really like her catgirl form as much though. It just feels like the most generic catgirl ever and she even loses her colourscheme, she’s just this more muted version and doesnt have blue hair anymore even?? Like wow, human = non human hair, catgirl = actually plausable albino??? Also its weird that she de-ages when her ears pop out, wtf. I am neeeeeevr gonna be a fan of the stupid ‘looks like a child but she isnt a child so its somehow okay’ anime cliche. Thats what made me worry this was gonna be ecchi when i first saw the screenshots on steam, this design choice is kinda disproportionately used in That Kind Of Dating Game. And catgirls already have a bit of a bad reputation in that sense too :P Also from what little I know about this via the steam description and reviews, it seems somehow her personality changes when she transforms, so she even ACTS more like an actual child.. man why so weird yo... I just hope that none of these red flags come true and I’m just worrying for nothing!

OH. YEAH. WHAT THE GAME IS ABOUT. If I’m gonna do more detailed posts of my Game Excitements, then I may as well give some context first! According to the store description, the protagonist is a seemingly-human girl who suddenly discovers she has latent catgirl powers on her 18th birthday or something? And her love interest has a secret identity too, there’s something about him being a royal guard but acting less serious and more goofy when he’s around her. And that sounds pretty cute actually. And you have multiple routes about embracing your new beast-person powers or trying to become human for real, which is a nice sort of plot that you wouldnt expect. I just hope it lives up to my expectations!

.... every time a catgirl actually says “nya”, it lowers my expectations. Please game, I believe in you, please dont be awful!

Shoutout to my BFF’s pet cat, yo!

Expectations.. plummetting... oh god... the voiceacting how do i turn it off oh god if its gonna be like THAT the whole time i cant stand Generic Anime Voice #5 screeching NYAAAA at the end of each line, holy fuck...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjY3eM7Ta7A Okay, the intro actually is quite cute, even though its just clipart bouncing around. But umm.. the starting text lowers my expectations a bit more, urp... Like.. uhh.. geez... I really do not like the odd trope of ‘but I thought you were just like a brother to me and then we fell in love’. Or rather I dont like how its weirdly common that this is the ONLY way childhood romances are presented in anime, and how like.. its so.. frequent that plots have ‘but its LIKE incest even though it isnt’ as something that just has to be mentioned.. often..?? I dont get it yo. Obviously this isnt actually incest, but it just weirds me out how a game would want to mention incest when it isnt?? As if it would somehow add appeal or something?? Am I overreacting? I mean.. like.. the only other explanation I can think of for why childhood romances in anime are ALWAYS ‘but we were just like siblings’ is that like.. the writers have zero experience with the concept of men and women being friends. Which I could kinda assume already from how this weird angst always has to happen whenever friends fall in love in anime, geez. It always has to be BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS NOW WE ARE DATING AND MY FEELINGS WERE ALWAYS LOVE AND NEVER FRIENDSHIP OF COURSE, BLABLABLA. And how if the love isnt recipricated then they almost never get to stay friends afterwards?? And just like.. really.. how EVERY male-female childhood friendship is always ‘we were like siblings’ as an excuse to not really write them being friends?? Its like thats the only excuse they can think of for why a man wouldnt wanna fuck a woman, and EVEN THEN they have to be wrong about their feelings and fuck in the end anyway. This kind of attitude is probably what leads to the sexualization of actual sibling relationships even, and the attitude that rape is inevitable if an attractive woman just EXISTS, and how rape cant happen to men because its just natural any man would want to fuck any woman at any time.... ANYWAY This isnt a criticism of this game (yet), since I havent even played far enough to find out if it does any of this stuff. This is just a vent about how I’ve seen this bullshit happen in a lot of other anime and anime-styled dating sims, and why now I get wary whenever I see a hint of it.

SO YEAH not very high expectations yet, alas which is a shame cos I was pretty excited when i booted it up and now im like BRACE FOR ANIME CLICHES AHOY pretty much describes my first playthrough of FE Awakening too, and I ended up liking that overall even though I had complaints. so I’ll hope for a repeat performance!

ANYWAY now is time to actually get into playing the game, and come back when I have some stuff to say~! I just figured making a post of my initial reactions and speculations and stuff would be fun! Also I didnt expect to be reminded of a rant about anime cliches and waste so much text space on that, lol

BONUS: i like to pronounce the acronym as ‘huhtuhtuhtoym’

#bunni plays httoym

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