#still working on not feeling guilty
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it's okay to unfollow
I just want to put this out there for anyone who might be feeling like I have been.
I've been noticing recently that scrolling tumblr was making me unhappy. Not all the time, but often enough that it was something that I actually noticed. So I started paying attention to when I felt unhappy and then why. For me, it was when I saw statements related to killing or harming oneself or others. For you, it might be seeing a ship you don't like or other content that makes you uncomfortable.
I know that a lot of the posts I saw were hyperbolic in nature, but that didn't make them less shocking or distressing for me when I encountered them. So I did an experiment. For a period of about a week, every time I saw one, I closed the app.
Let me tell you, I've never used tumblr less in my life.
That told me that I was spending a lot of time seeing content that was actively upsetting me. No wonder I wasn't happy. So what do I do? Stop using tumblr? I seriously considered it. But tumblr makes me happy a lot of the time too, so instead I needed to do something harder: I had to start unfollowing people.
Some of these are people I've followed for years. All of them are people I like. I feel guilty doing it, but at the same time I know that it's either keep following them and be exposed to things that upset me on a regular basis or unfollow them and spend more of my free time in an enjoyable way.
I'll miss them, of course. It's not like this is all they ever post! They put lots of great stuff on my dash. But they also share things that make me feel bad, and I need to draw that boundary for myself. I don't want to follow people who share posts that upset me, and that's okay.
It's also totally okay that they post and share the things that they like, no matter what my opinion of that stuff is. It's their blog! They should put whatever they want on it.
The way to control what I do and don't see on my dash is to control who I follow and who I don't. Unfollowing (and even blocking, if that's what you need) isn't a moral condemnation. It's an acknowledgement that our tastes differ.
If you find yourself unhappy while you're scrolling whatever social media you choose, take the time to figure out what it is that's making you unhappy and do what you can to reduce it. The world is hard enough already.
#thinky thoughts#still working on not feeling guilty#this is in NO WAY a call out post#please continue to do you#my issues shouldn't dictate your posting habits
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For the Laicion nation (aka, me and three other people)
I had this illustration commissioned (a big thank you to @lunehowls) for my werewolf AU Laicion fic (still a WIP).
The general pitch is as follows :
AU in which Laios never got to meet his sister again, putting his life on a whole other path, a more desperate one. A military deserter with barely a coin to his name, Laios hitches a ride on a boat to one of the elven continents, where he learns about magical tattoos that binds one’s soul to a wolf’s, effectively making them artificial werewolves. Illegal magic be damned, this feels like the answer to… everything.
In the process, he learns about the existence of an illegal fighting ring in one of the elven cities, where beastmen gladiators gather. Freshly tattooed and without anywhere else to go to, Laios decides to head there, where he meets Lycion, an elf and artificial werewolf gladiator. If they first bond over a simple shared meal, by spending time together (sharing the same room in the barracks, maybe the same bed? gasp) they find that they have a lot in common, notably a shared distaste for the body they were born in, a dysphoria partially remedied by becoming a werewolf.
They bond :)
#dungeon meshi#laios touden#lycion#laicion#I'm heads deep in research regarding Ancient Rome gladiators... and loving it. Really fascinating stuff.#I bemoan the fact that most papers are locked behind a paywall (though I found one that gives a free pdf access)#(and no. Sci-hub is not an option. It's blocked in my country)#I'm also re-reading DunMeshi and taking notes to get a better grasp of Laios and Lycion as characters. Character studies if you will#and I still need to fully outline the fic#I know where I'm starting (struggling to choose a POV for that first chapter LOL) and where I'm ending so there's that#and a bunch of disconnected scenes (as we all do ahaha)#anyway. Doing all of this while studying for veterinary school. It's hard. I feel guilty whenever I'm not studying...#let's just say I don't expect the prep work for the fic to be ready before this summer (+ I need to finish the Kuro cosplay for Japan Expo)#hopefully; once it's done; I'll be able to set a schedule and write smoothly#werewolf#werewolf laios#rarepair#Fy posts
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i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.
so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.
never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?
nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.
i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.
my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.
#im going to fking throw up this is the last time i will ever say this#do not come begging to be for another apology i am done#i will never address this issue again okay#i need to say this because no matter what when i see people supporting me now i feel guilty#i recognize it is just because i hate myself#it is because i havent accepted i made mistakes#but i cant accept it because people cant accept it#i cant accept it and i cant move on#and that is why i think its best to leave art#i cant make work i am proud of anymore#i dont want to list names of artists#but i will say that when king chris reposted my work without credit i viewed it the same as when i referenced other artists work#but there was no callout no request even from the comments for credit#and he has millions of followers#i felt like i could not stand up for myself because i have this history#because of this history i can never properly defend myself i feel i must always kneel to it#even though i have changed and realized i was wrong i still have to acknowledge it always
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Finally, after months of work, I have completed it: the collection of all* character appearances in Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood!
edit: if you want a more detailed spreadsheet on the homunculi in particular, @vuullets has a collection of all homunculi appearances in the manga! you can find it here
Some notes on this spreadsheet:
there are spoilers. obviously. proceed with caution
timestamps indicate when a character first appears in a scene, not every time they appear. if the scene changes to one without that character, and then we return to that character in another scene, that's another timestamp for a new appearance
all timestamps are approximate, give or take a few seconds based on how quickly I could pause the show
only unique flashbacks count as an appearance. if the flashback is to something we've seen in a previous episode, that is not counted as a unique appearance, but if it provides something new that we haven't seen before, it counts!
I didn't include background easter egg appearances, like when you can see Mei in the background at a train station before she's introduced
I didn't actually do all characters. there are a lot of characters, and I am just one person. sorry if you're a big fan of minor members of the military, i just couldn't do it
since Greed is kind of a special case, he deserves a specific explanation: OG Greed and Greedling are not counted as separate characters, they're both just Greed. when Greed is in control of Ling's body, that counts as an appearance for Greed, and it's not an appearance for Ling unless he's in control. if they're both in a scene together (talking in the mindscape, for example, or switching control back and forth) they each get a timestamp for when they first appear/speak in a scene
feel free to use this as a reference! I made this as a useful tool for myself, and because I'm a nerd about data. if you are also a nerd about data, I tallied up some stats, which I'll put under the cut:
only six characters broke 30 episodes. the characters with the most appearances are Edward (60), Alphonse (58), Mustang (45), Hawkeye (42), Scar (40), and Winry (31).
next highest on the list are Alex Armstrong and Mei (tied for 29), King Bradley (28), Hohenheim (26), and Ling (25).
the homunculus in the most episodes is Wrath (28), and the one in the least is Lust (11)
as previously mentioned, Alex Armstrong and Mei are in the same number of episodes (29), as are Olivier Armstrong and Marcoh (24), and Buccaneer and Ross (18)
Hughes is in only 10 episodes, the same number as Grumman and Fu
Yoki is in a whopping 23 episodes. what the fuck
the chimera in the most episodes is Zampano (21), closely followed by Darius and Jerso (20), with Heinkel falling behind at 16. The Devil's Nest chimeras are only in 2 episodes, with the exception of Bido, who is in 3
#fma#fmab#fullmetal alchemist#I feel like I should make a specific tag for when I do. stuff like this.#I love. spreadsheets. I love data collection#anyway please enjoy! I've been working on this for six months!#sol collects data#<- I've decided that will be my tag#tallying up appearances made me mad. which is not a surprise to me#scar is in 40 episodes and yet the fandom bias completely sidelines him. I'm not mad. I feel normal about this. <- seething#I guess I'm also guilty of paying more attention to characters in fewer episodes considering greed is in only 18 episodes#BUT STILL. justice for my guy scar. he's an extremely prominent character and should be treated as such
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Sweet Heart Bakery and Clothing store
#rune factory 5#rune factory#rf5 beatrice#rf5 randolph#rf5 yuki#aashi doodles#i put bea in the bakery cuz she's learning the art of making sweet pastries for her event#plus randolph promised she would always be safe under his supervision which is why rei doesn't hang around while she's there#he TRIED#but randolph kicked him out cuz he was in the way#also randolph is pro go live your life when ur young he doesnt like rei being on duty nonstop#so rei has time to go on these monster hunts#which is still work so he feels less guilty having extra income to provide bea#but these monster hunts are with ares so they're deffo doing a bunch of goofing around and being dorks while they're out too#gotta love all this exposition im doing in the tags instead of actually making the skit ;)))
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⭐🖤
#gorillaz#2d#stuart pot#murdoc niccals#my art#i've been actually putting myself on a schedule for mental health and productivity reasons#and now im able to get a lot more work done and then have time left over to actually draw whatever i want without feeling guilty about it#still have a bunch i need to catch up on but im feeling a lot less stressed <3#anyways#them#♥#also#murdoc in that outfit.... god he looks so fucking dumb askdjfh#hate the hat lol#the description for this one on twitter was The great leader and his chosen one#i couldnt choose between that and The chosen one and his great leader lol#they both give me different feelings lol#anyways if you're reading this far hi ily
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youtube
▲ Subway to Stardew - Ingo 8-Heart Event ▲
This plays after getting at least 8 hearts with Ingo and entering the library. Ingo sends a letter for this too...
#submas#pokemon#stardew valley#sdv mods#Ingo#Nobori#subway to stardew#subway to stardew terminal station#events#I do want to make a full-platonic route for Ingo eventually but... I can't quite figure out how the development for that will go#So for now he has a love at first sight that consumes him and he feels so terribly guilty about#He sends you a 6 page love letter like one heart in LOL#Still working on the letters and I only have one done... also might move some lines to other ones so I can't show them yet#Emmet can vent to Ingo but Ingo can't vent to Emmet about having a crush because Emmet is a menace
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Do any other self shippers feel guilty when they start focusing on a new f/o?
#okay so I feel kinda bad rn because scratch been my main for awhile now and still is#like my self ship with him is a comfort ship for me#but bill kinda took over and I feel a bit guilty because one) I’m not focusing a lot on scratch like I use too#two) I feel like people who probably followed me for my ship with him are going to get disappointed because I keep focusing on bill#like I make jokes about scratch always pulling me back everytime I get a new crush but I wasn’t expecting to fall so hard for bill#don’t get me wrong scratch is still my 1st main and I’m still going to draw my ship with him and work on that comic#but rn I’m just really focused on bill#like I know I have a habit of jumping f/o(s) at times but this feels different#and I been feeling kinda sad about it#so I don’t know if others in the community have felt this or worry about disappointing other who followed them for something else#and I know it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want but I still stress about it#💬 chy chatter 💬
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Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.
#it’s not like i put the books together myself or anything all my ass did was submit my work#like this was from a really popular and well known artist as well like#their art has always been so gorgeous to me too I was like ‘I’m literally a nobody is this person really being shady or…’#rambling#I guess it’s nice being in a zine with ppl I don’t know or care to get to know at least now 😭… just submitting my art and running#referring to the jjk zine 😭 I need t start working on it uhh#zines make me feel so anxious man#it really did make me feel bad and almost guilty? I was like this is kind of awkward…#another zine I was in which was run by a mutual… well… I never even got my zine in the mail#and I even sent them $20 for some merch that they were making since I wanted to support and never got that either…#they deleted their blog but I see that they remade and draw a lot of DM and have a lot of popular posts here so it’s kind of awkward seeing#their art shared on the dash sometimes skeks#we’re still mutuals on Twitter but I don’t rly want to ask about my zine again or the $20 bucks#it’s okay like I owe other ppl stuff too I’m a late bird man but still loskekk#they were the mod for the zine too#I might hit them up again I guess I still love their art and they were always fun to talk to#there was another zine that I participated in where we had to purchase our own copy bro#i remember being so annoyed by that but went ahead and bought it anyway#I was invited to this zine so it made me even more annoyed#I#Guess it didn’t make its money back#or something like that but I remember being broke at the time and was pissed that I had to pay for my own book#I didn’t buy any of the merch because why when it was supposed to be free#if you’re participating in a zine the book and merch should be free
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having thoughts about double life desert duo and bigb
scar knows grian has been seeing BigB in secret. he knows the secret soulmate thing. he knows that he is being cheated on.
but he also knows how emotionally constipated grian is, and how guilty he is about the cactus ring. he knows grian has apologized a thousand times, has received a thousand "I forgive you"'s, but still feels terrible about it. he knows how avoidant grian can be.
he starts bringing it up in gentle ways. he offers grian cookies, offers them for his secret soulmate as well. grian doesn't understand the lightheartedness behind it, not yet, but that will come with time
he starts speaking with BigB, mostly about Grian, but sometimes about other things. he learns how far back the two of them go, and the pieces start to click together. and with time...he understands.
scar isn't one to judge a man's tastes, and he knows plenty well that you can fall in love with many people in many different ways. he knows grian loves him. he also knows that grian loves bigb. they both make him smile. they both make him laugh. they both care deeply about him.
so their soulmate duo becomes a trio. and while scar mostly put up with BigB in the beginning, over time, maybe they fall in love too.
so yeah I have seen one poly fic with these three, and that is criminal. nominating scarabigrian as their trio name. or not-so-secret soulmates
#gladumf rambles#my writing#<- this kind of dipped into prose mb#trafficblr#double life#grian#gtws#bigbst4tz2#also this doesn't excuse grian cheating#he still has a lot of work to do on himself#I imagine he feels guilty about that too#luckily for him scar doesn't mind that much
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Good Godfather Vlad AU - Part 3
Link to Part 1 , Part 2
@kaitouhime @krzys2000 @moobloomrights @spooky-fm
Brunch
The brunch meeting ended up being a huge scene, but not overly embarrassing. A table is knocked over when Jack and Maddie rush over to Vlad. Luckily it did not have anyone eating at it yet. The children trailing behind them stopped to right the table. Vlad is unfortunately too slow to offer the fudge before Jack sweeps him up into a crushing bear hug.
“We have been terrible friends. How could you ever forgive us!” Jack cries as he lifts Vlad off his feet in a hug.
“We should have questioned why you never responded after all these years.” Maddie says hovering beside them.
“Dad, put him down!” Jasmine shouts.
“Yeah, I don’t think he can breathe with you crushing him like that.” Danny adds in.
If he did not have to breath all the time this would be very uncomfortable. Jack pulls him into an impossibly closer hug before gently putting him back on the ground and releasing him. A glare from Maddie at the gawking people has them hastily avert their gaze. His clothes are now rumpled a little from the bear hug. Vlad straightens a little before stepping closer to the pair.
“It is not all your burden to bear. Despite how close we had been, I never reached out either after the accident.” Vlad says a little apprehensive.
His hands nervously clutch at the box of fudge as he makes eye contact with Jack and Maddie. This was the hardest thing he had done in a very long time. He was still coming to terms and processing everything that had happened. In just a few short days he had a fundamental part of his past cast into new light. His lack of responsibility in trying to maintain his part of their friendship was a new glaring issue he had ignored for far too long.
Maddie’s eyes crinkle as she sweeps forwards with arms outstretched. Unlike Jack she waits for the moment for him to step closer.
“I can’t express how much I regret not tracking you down the first day out of the hospital.” Vlad chokes out as Maddie pulls him into a hug.
“I told myself so many things about why you might not want to see us anymore.” her voice catches a bit as she speaks.
“We never were very good about confrontation when it was about emotions. Always ready to jump into a discussion about science and engineering and tear into that” Jack added.
“It might take some time and it won’t be the same but I would like to be in your lives again.” Vlad says.
“You are always welcome.” Maddie says softly.
“You are practically family!” Jack happily shouts.
The tension drops a little as Vlad really sees his friends ready to welcome him back into their life. Without the haze of hate from before clouding his judgment. He sees the laughter lines in Maddie’s face and the gray in Jack's hair. They are not college students working towards getting a doctorate. Life has gone on and his friends have changed just like he has.
“Now I hope this does not spoil the meal, but I have something for you.” Vlad says, offering up the fudge box.
“Oh, is that what I think it is?” Jack crows in delight.
He bounds forwards and takes the box from Vlad. Maddie lets out a fond smile and begins to usher the group back to their table.
“I had some help but I believe this is a very nice fudge.” Vlad says with a wink at Danny.
“Ohh! I have heard of Miss Martha’s Marviolours Fudge.” Jack excitedly says.
Vlad starts to walk to the table the family had been seated at. There is already an extra setting at the table. His step falters for a moment before he catches a supportive look from Jasmine. She gestures with her hands forming a cube shape. Danny gives her a confused look as he pulls his father along. Stealing a breath he keeps walking to the place set for him.
“It has been a long time but I hope you still enjoy them.” Vlad says. Pulling the rubix cube out.
“Vlad I can’t believe you remembered that!” Maddie exclaims in delight.
She takes the cube and immediately begins to twist and turn it to solve the cube in a matter of moments. Then resets it and begins to form a classic trick pattern.
“Whoa. How do you do that so fast, I thought they were supposed to be hard to solve?” Danny asks his mother.
The rest of the brunch manages to pass with little fanfare after that. Maddie shows her son how to solve it and explains the mechanics behind it. Jack scrawls on a napkin the attributes of the fudge and hashes out the new top ten. Laughter and joy is had as ten years worth of catching up happens over the course of the meal. They manage to only break one glass. It might just be the nicest morning Vlad has had in years.
Now with a Part 4.
#Danny Phantom AU#Good Vlad#Good Vlad AU#Good Godfather Vlad AU#Danny Phantom#So I am trying to decide on which which plot point I want to come next as I have a few nuggets I am working on#Danny is about to have had enough sleep to realize that his ghost sense is going off#Vlad is still clueless as he has not been primed to react to it going off#unlike Danny who at this point is like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs#people still use that saying right?#Jack after all this time really is happy his best friend is back in his life#Maddie is still feeling really guilty and knows how private Vlad is with affection and ready to snap a camera in half if needed#Jasmine is swinging wildly between proud of the emotional and communication going on and utterly embarrassed#Vlad is really close to an emotional collapse after all this and will need a break to just recollect#He has had a lot happen in a few days and just holding together#He is one bad thing away from emotional overwhelment
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As much as I love Prince John, I don’t think I can understate just how badly he needs to apologise to Sir Hiss.
Like, a PROPER apology. For what could have been YEARS of mistreatment.
We only see a little snippet of it in the film, and even then, almost every scene the two share includes some sort of abuse towards Hiss by John’s hand. All the rude nicknames, the hitting, the throttling, the near constant calling him an idiot. The only remotely nice thing he ever says to Hiss is that he’d make a good court jester, and even then, it‘s so backhanded and Hiss seems to take offence to it.
He still stays, and still apparently cares for the prince, probably out of the goodness of his heart, but he deserves to be repaid for what he’s been through. I like to imagine John showering him with little trinkets and gifts and materials for his practice in a feeble attempt to make it up to him after he’s been released from prison.
After all, what would he be without Sir Hiss?? Hiss is his brains, his eyes. If Hiss up and left, he’d have nothing.
#this was on my mind so I thought I’d type it out#I need to write more guilty!John#I like to imagine he feels remorse#is that giving him too much credit? maybe#but I’m still gonna think it cos he’s pathetic and Hiss deserves more#it works out in the end guys I swear#prince john#sir hiss#disney robin hood#just chatting
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On writing and liking
So there's about a million ways I could start my thoughts in this post, and all of them feel...whiny. I hate feeling whiny. I don't want to be someone who thinks about writing as "content." I feel rewarded by the act of writing, by trying new things, by pushing myself to improve, by sharing with friends who know me and know my style and my characters. But I would be lying if I said that that's all of it, right? I post because I want to share my writing, and I want people to interact with it.
It takes the wind out of my sails, a little, when I have followers (or non-followers!) who like my writing posts, repeatedly, and never go beyond that. Or, on the same token, reblog with no tags. I never want to feel entitled to the attention of strangers, but it's the halfway of things like this that starts to irk me. I understand that there are a million reasons why someone may not interact at a certain point and time - I get it! We're busy people with responsibilities. But when it's a consistent thing, I start to wonder why they're bothering at all, if they don't ever seem to actually see it. I don't even need to get in the reblogs vs. likes debate - I love a reply! I love asks! I would not be here if I didn't.
And it's not just writing - I understand that I don't have my longfic up yet! But I want to know that that's ok, that people follow me not just because of what I reblog. Along for the ride means bugging me from the backseat, not staying silent until we're at the destination.
#shoshi.txt#ngl i am not a fan of the wheelspinny guilty feelings i have been having as of late#and honestly. the [redacted drama] is still messing with my brain a little!#unsure why i keep redacting things considering this person has (re?)blocked but w/e#the unrelated to this post drama i might add#i wonder if this weekend i might work on some short prompts in my inbox and then entertain some jo + mota prompts#by which i mean jo/egan#taking off the pressure for more involved things#my friends have been especially inspiring to me in this area lately 🩷#anyway. wanted to say this
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realising one of ur mutals blocked u is one of the worst feelings ever
#ᨳ rua’s gossip ౨ৎ⋆˚｡⋆#Why did they block me aaaahhh#*sobs*#i wonder what I did wrong#agh#pls im gonna overthink again#I feel so guilty#Maybe I bothered them too much y’know? :(#Idk if they even liked me#But I really did like their works#*sigh*#Oh well#I still uh#I STILL HAVE U GUYS SO ITS PKAY >:)#Let’s stay positive !#hehe <3
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Taking a brief hiatus from writing dpxdc fic. I'll still be in the fandom, but I've just been itching to write for other fandoms. It felt weird to do while knowing I still had fics that need updating but...I realized how silly that is and that the first person I need to write for is me.
#pc:r has been killing me the past year. The chapter just isn't going the way i want to but the need to try and finish it also left me#feeling guilty of working on other fics or even branching out to other fandoms since i got the most interaction with dpxdc#still wanna finish that draft and finish pc:r but i dont wanna hold myself back from other project bc of it
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I will never understand why people hate Cisco because of that one time he got mad at Barry for indirectly causing his brother's death. First of all, that was a very short period of time, he forgave him VERY quickly, and that doesn't define his entire character or his entire relationship with Barry. And second, HIS BROTHER FUCKING DIED. Like, that's kind of a big deal. Does no one in this fandom have siblings??
#The Flash#Cisco Ramon#Barry Allen#Barrisco#and like I was annoyed with BOTH of them during that storyline!#still on both of their sides though!#I cannot honestly say that if I lost my parents and I had the ability to time travel that I wouldn't try to bring them back#or that I wouldn't be pissed as hell if I lost a sibling and my best friend who could time travel refused to bring them back#PLUS kind of got them killed in the first place#their friendship survived only because Cisco had enough compassion to put himself in Barry's shoes and see the issue from his perspective#Barry was too busy feeling guilty and trying to give Cisco space to bother trying to explain his side of the story#Cisco had to do the hard work of trying to understand Barry's side and then choosing to forgive him and let him be his friend again#that says SO MUCH MORE about who he is than a little grief induced passive aggressiveness does
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