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karahalloway · 8 months

Text

Sex Bomb

Fandom: TRR

Paining: Leo Rys x Adelaide Amaranth

Series: None (this is a one-shot and can be read independently of the rest of my fics)

Word count: 4,000

Warnings: swearing, alcoholic tendencies, smut, outrage, crack ship (you have been warned)

Theme song:

A/N1: This is my long-awaited (and very much demanded) follow-up to the part I wrote for One Night in Cordinia; however, you should be able to read the current fic as a standalone.

A/N2: Since I love killing two birds with one stone, this is also my submission for this year's Smutember event hosted by @choicesprompts. The prompts that this fits into is 'Caught in the act' and 'We shouldn't be doing this...'

A/N3: Certain parts of this fic were somewhat inspired by the scene between Finch and Stiffler's Mom from American Pie. The clip, for anyone who hasn't seen the movie, is below the cut.

youtube

Sex Bomb

"Bloody hell..."

Leo dropped the edge of the heavy brocade curtain he was holding, letting it fall back into place behind the dais to conceal his presence once again.

The ballroom was heaving. And the evening had barely even kicked off. Lord knew how many more people were still battling the traffic to get a coveted front-row seat for the royal event of the century.

The Coronation.

...or, as Leo liked to call it, the Royal Nail in the Coffin.

Because in his mind, that's what it was. The final, inescapable blow that would seal his fate for good, and maroon him forever on the desolate island that was kingship... shackled in life-long matrimony to Madeleine Amaranth.

Leo shuddered at the thought. Especially when he recalled his fiancée's naked form getting skewered loudly by that Justin What's-His-Face PR pansy on the steps of Beaumont House mere days ago.

Not because of the fact that she'd had sex with someone else. Hell, he'd tapped more ass than he could count! So, he couldn't exactly begrudge his soon-to-be wife's promiscuity. Especially when she couldn't remember any of it...

No, it was the fact that here he was, on the eve of his engagement to his future Queen, and all he could think about was her mother.

That sexy vixen of a woman, Adelaide. The Duchess That Had Got Away.

Very literally.

Because in the chaos of the Shagging Smog-infused assassination-attempt-gone-wrong — aka the Beaumont Bash — Leo had lost his one chance to notch that coveted mark on his bedpost... especially considering that she would've actually been game for it, given the mind-altering effects of the aerosol-based dispersant.

Talk about fucking irony...

Leo heaved a breath.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe there was a reason why—

"Quite the crowd out there, huh, son?"

Leo clenched his eyes shut. "Yes, Father."

Constantine clapped a hand onto his eldest son's shoulder. "It's going to be quite the night!"

"Yes, Father," Leo intoned, forcing himself to swallow down the bile that suddenly threatened to bubble up his gullet.

The King's fingers tightened on his jacket. "All eyes will be on you, lad. Do not cock this up."

Leo felt himself gag. "'Scuse me...!"

Slapping a hand over his mouth in an attempt to keep the scotch-laden contents of his stomach under wraps, he lurched past his father.

Stumbling across the ante-room, he barely made it to the nearest ficus plant before the 20-year old single malt regurgitated itself into the perfectly hydrated potting mix in front of him.

"Christ, you are a royal disgrace..." muttered Constantine as he marched past him. "If God would've had any sense, he would've made Liam my heir instead of you. But here I am, stuck with your worthless hide instead..."

The slam of the mahogany door reverberated around the room.

"The feeling's mutual, old man," muttered Leo, shooting a wad of spittle into the planter to cleanse his mouth.

Lifting his head, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

A drink. He needed a drink.

Mostly because he'd just thrown up the five fingers worth of Dutch courage he'd consumed less than an hour ago, and there was no way he was subjecting himself to the shitshow on the other side of that curtain even remotely sober.

And if Constantine had an epileptic fit...? Well, he deserved it.

The old tosser had given Leo enough hell during his 30-odd years on Earth, trying to mould him into something that the wayward prince wasn't, and never would be.

Making his way to the other side of the room, Leo located the hidden door that led to the service corridors and slipped inside.

A few twists and well-worn turns through the rabbit warren, and he emerged out into the smoking room, a plushly decorated space filled with heavy brocade curtains, velvet armchairs, a billiards table, and — most importantly — a well-stocked liquor cabinet.

Making a straight line towards the blessed promise of inebriation, he grabbed the nearest decanter of scotch, and pulled the heavy crystal stopper out.

He was about to pour himself a healthy serving when he heard the rustle of heavy taffeta behind him.

Glancing around, he nearly dropped the priceless Swarovski crystal on the floor.

"Pinching a cheeky tipple?" asked Adelaide Amaranth, surveying him over the rim of her own glass.

"Shit, Maddy's mum...!" Leo quickly composed himself. "Erm... Thought I'd get a head start on the party."

"Mmm..." purred the Duchess of Krona, perching herself on the edge of the billiards table. "Man after my own heart..."

Leo swallowed loudly as the skirt of her dress slid apart to reveal the length of her toned legs.

After the unmitigated disaster that had been the Bash, she'd appeared to him again, luscious and alone — like a siren rising from the dark depths of his previous failure — tempting him with a second chance...

...or goading him with the unattainability of his crusade.

Either way, Leo felt his guts tighten at her unexpected presence.

"So..." Her voice interrupted his thoughts. "Are you all set? To become King and all?" she asked, swirling the remnants of her drink around in the crystal tumbler.

"Furthest thing from," Leo admitted, sloshing himself a drink with shaky hands.

Whether it was nerves or anticipation, he wasn't sure. Either way, he was now doubly, triply in need of the hard stuff... in part because he could feel some other stuff becoming hard as well.

"Hence why you're looking for something to take the edge off," she mused, running her aqua-coloured gaze over him. "Smart thinking."

"Tell that to my father..." scoffed Leo, dropping the decanter back on the cabinet top, trying to maintain his cool in the face of her intoxicating closeness.

"Or my daughter," agreed Adelaide with a roll of her eyes. "If anyone needs a bevvy, it's her! Speaking of... have you see her? She's quite disappeared on me..."

"Nope. Can't say I have," admitted Leo, throwing the scotch back greedily.

Adelaide surveyed him for a long moment before shrugging. "Probably for the best, really. She can't stand me on the best of days. She's under some misguided impression that I'll say or do something that will embarrass her..."

"Welcome to my world," muttered Leo, reaching for the decanter again. "I am the living embodiment of my father's resentment. You know, he even told me tonight that I am — quote-unquote — a 'royal disgrace' and Liam should've been his heir instead."

"Hmm..." murmured Adelaide, sliding off the billiards table yo shimmy up to him. "I don't know about any of that... I think you'll look fantastic in a crown..."

Leo snorted. "That is hardly a qualification for kingship..."

"Isn't it?" pressed Adelaide, leaning her empty glass against her cheek as she cocked her head at him.

"I have it on rather good authority that there's a bit more to it than that..." murmured Leo ruefully, unable to stop his gaze from sliding down her neck to the bare skin of her cleavage that sat exposed between the lines of her dress.

"Don't listen to them," chided Adelaide, reaching up to run a finger through his thick, blonde hair. "A king needs only three things — a royal bloodline and an iconic profile. Everything else will be taken care of for you."

Leo felt an uncharacteristic shudder course through him as her fingertip brushed over the sensitive skin of his temple. "Apart from the actual ruling..."

"You'd be surprised..." she smiled. "I haven't set foot in Krona in months! The equerries take care of all the pesky details."

"Running a kingdom's a tad more involved than running a duchy..."

"Pfft!" she scoffed. "Duchy? Kingdom? What's the difference? You sign the odd piece of paper, and throw the occasional ball. That's it!"

"And lead Council meetings, host foreign dignitaries, review petitions, attend—"

"Leo, darling, you are terribly overthinking this!" chided Adelaide with a laugh, reaching for the decanter to pour herself another glass. "You think the kings and queens of old bored themselves with all the minutiae? No! They delegated, so they could have fun fighting battles and posing for portraits."

"Not sure fighting battles was exactly fun..."

"My Prince," she said, leaning in, as if imparting a secret. "All I'm saying is you have nothing to worry about. You could conquer nations with that jaw-line..."

Leo's heart stopped in it's tracks as he swore he felt the tip of her tongue flick over his skin.

"...your sense of duty is just a bonus."

"And... and the third thing?" he stammered.

"The Crown Jewels," she declared, pulling back to fix him with a knowing look.

Leo frowned. "You mean the Apple and th—"

"I mean these jewels," she corrected, grabbing the front of his trousers without warning.

Leo nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt her manicured nails close emphatically around his meat and two veg.

"Holy f—!"

"Mmm," purred Adelaide, tightening her hold on him. "Seems to be present and accounted for..."

Leo merely squeaked in response. He had no idea what was happening, or how he'd even gotten to having Adelaide's hands wrapped around his sex pistol in the first place, but he sure as bloody hell wasn't going to tell her to stop!

"...but one cannot be sure without a proper inspection."

Leo froze. "Inspection?"

Adelaide lifted her gaze to met his square on. "Darling, you are marrying my daughter. I cannot — in good conscience — let you bed her without ensuring that all the royal parts are in working order... and capable of producing grandchildren."

"Trust me..." wheezed Leo as he felt Adelaide's hands reach for his belt. "The lads have never let me down."

"Oh, yes," smiled Adelaide, undoing his buckle and letting the ornate belt drop the floor. "I am well aware of your many... conquests. But I also know the papers like to exaggerate. So, surely you cannot begrudge a mother for wanting to obtain independent confirmation."

"How 'bout a live demonstration?" blurted Leo, grasping at the edge of the drinks cabinet for support as Adelaide wrestled with the buttons of his trousers.

Hell, if this was happening, then he was gonna make damned sure that it was happening!

"Don't jump the gun, darling," Adelaide tutted, ripping the fronts of his pants open. "You need to pass muster first."

Leo gasped audibly as his sexcalibur sprang — finally, blessedly! — free of its confines.

"Not one for briefs, I see..." she observed, running her fingers critically over him.

"I threw them all out years ago," he panted in response to the feel of her silken touch on his heated gherkin.

"Another thing we have in common," she smirked, reaching for his hand to guide it over the back of her dress.

A desperate groan escaped him as his palm skated over the smooth, unencumbered expanse of her backside as she continued to fondle him. "So, what's the verdict?"

"A package worthy of a king," Adelaide assured him, rolling his plums together in her palm.

Leo felt his eyes tip back into his head at the overwhelming sensation...

...before it stopped just as quickly as it had started.

Creaking his eyes open, he saw Adelaide throw him a cheeky smirk over her shoulder as she glided sinuously towards the billiards table.

"Aren't you coming, darling?" she whispered back at him.

Leo nearly tripped over his own trousers in his haste to get to her. He was going to get the chance to live out his dirtiest, most depraved fantasy, after all! He was not wasting one more second!

"Lord, you have no idea how long I've waited for this..." he gasped, stumbling across the room towards her.

"Oh, I know very well," she assured him, leaning back to spread her arms out over the polished walnut. "I've seen you looking at me, Leo."

He faltered. "You have?"

"Of course, my darling," she assured him, cocking her leg seductively. "You were hardly subtle in your attentions. A woman notices these things..."

"You know this is highly improper..." he pointed out as he finally made it to her.

"Oh, sweet boy!" she laughed. "This would be the scandal of the century!"

"Then we better give them something to talk about," he grinned, grabbing her by her toned derrière to lift her onto the edge of the billiards table.

"Mmm... I can think of a few things..." she breathed, planting her hands on his shoulders to push him down towards her nether region.

"I'm sure you can, m'lady," he grinned, shifting his hands to the back of her knees to yank her towards him, the sudden momentum sending the top half of her body falling back onto the felt. "But allow me to put even your wildest dreams to shame."

"Bold words..." purred Adelaide with a coy smile as he lifted her legs up to anchor her Valentino Gavarani-clad feet on his shoulders, causing the skirt of her dress to cascade down towards her hips.

"I've yet to receive anything other than a stellar review," he winked at her, grabbing her waist to invert her almost fully as he lifted her sacred centre up to his face.

"That may be so, darling, but unlike some ladies, I have high standards..." murmured Adelaide, lifting her arms above her head in anticipation. "I don't dish out gold stars to just anybody..."

"I don't intend to disappoint," Leo assured her with a cocky smirk as he bent his head towards her.

"...why must I do everything myself!" seethed Madeleine, stomping down the otherwise empty corridor in her Valentino sling-backs.

She'd known Leo was an immature and unreliable cad who was more interested in finding the next skirt to lift than paying any semblance of attention to actual matters of state.

And while she would've definitely preferred a more dedicated and biddable prospect — such as his younger brother — to share the rigours of governance with, she ultimately wasn't marrying the Playboy Prince because she liked him.

In all honesty, the man could've had warts and halitosis and she still would've gone through with the union!

Because this was a political match, pure and simple. The House of Rys allying itself with the House of Amaranth, the richest and most influential noble family in Cordonia in order to keep Queen Kenna's line alive...

...with the added benefit of elevating Madeleine's own status to that of Queen. A role that she'd been training for since before she could even walk, given her father's unrelenting pursuit of power by any and all means — an endeavour that she very much shared, much to her mother's disgruntlement.

But she couldn't exactly get engaged if her intended was missing! Tonight, of all nights!

Who, in their right mind, disappears on their own coronation?!

Of course, she was well aware of Leo's infamous tendency to pull vanishing acts, but what the blasted hell was the man thinking? To leave an entire country in the lurch?

Certainly not on her watch!

She'd already dispatched Bastien and all available members of the King's Guard to search high and low for the errant prince. But the Palace and its grounds were massive, and given the sheer number of people that had descended on the Rys stronghold for tonight's event, trying to find anyone was an exercise akin to weeding a needle out of a haystack.

So, she'd been forced to join the search herself. Even though it was insulting beyond measure and much below her station.

But, desperate times called for desperate measures, and she'd rather sweat into her ballgown running up and down the corridors now, than stand like a hapless bimbo in front of all the dignitaries and news crews trying to explain why her future king and fiancé had skipped out on an entire nation on one of the most important nights of its recent history.

No. She most certainly did not need those headlines running in the morning... or ever.

Best that she focused her efforts on helping locate the wayward heir, and hope that he wasn't halfway out of the country already... because by God, she'd send the Cordonian Secret Service after him if she had to!

Arriving at the next set of doors on her mental task-list, she wasted no time in pushing the handle down...

"Leopold?" she called, stepping into the room.

...only to freeze in shock at the sight in front of her.

There he was — the next in line to the Cordinian throne — head thrown back, trousers around his ankles, thrusting like an animal into—

"MOTHER?!"

Adelaide raised her disheveled head from the billiards table at the sound of her daughter's distraught shriek. "Oh, sweet pea! There you are!"

Leo raised his hand in a wave. "Hi, Mads!"

Madeleine's rouged lips jerked soundlessly, trying to formulate some kind of response, but nothing was forthcoming.

Never — in all her life! — had she imagined that she'd ever witness such sordid... brazen... obscenity!

She was literally lost for words. Her! The person who has been giving televised interviews since the age of four!

"Darling," soothed Adelaide, propping herself up onto her elbows to reveal the tautness of her age-defying, silicone-enhanced breasts, "I know this looks frightfully ghastly, but I can assure that—"

"Shut up..." she finally managed to croak.

Adelaide frowned. "Darling, are you—?"

"I SAID, SHUT UP!" Madeleine screeched.

Both Leo and her mother's eyes widened in the face of the uncharacteristically deranged outburst... but they nevertheless managed to refrain from commenting.

"I don't know how this..." She gestured derisively in the couple's general direction. "...colossal cock-up happened. Nor do I care. But what I do know — and most certainly care about — is that the coronation ceremony is starting. And I will not let you, Leopold—"

Leo groaned at the sound of his full, Christian name. "Jesus, Mads! I told you I—"

"Do not interrupt me!" snapped Madeleine. Sucking in a breath to collect herself, she continued, "I will not let you fuck this up for me, or the kingdom. So, if you want to keep your royal bratwurst, then I suggest that you pull it out of my mother and get your fatuous arse to the ballroom before I have the Guard drag you there."

Leo glanced down at Adelaide. "You sure she wasn't adopted or—?"

"NOW!!!" thundered Madeleine.

"Okay, okay, sheesh!" huffed Leo, grabbing for his trousers, given that he was already very much deflated, his fiancée having managed to suck the literal joy out of his joystick with her mere appearance .

"And you, Mother..." hissed Madeleine, turning her attention to her disheveled parent. "You have undermined me for the last time."

Adelaide scoffed. "Darling, all I have ever done is—"

"Which is why my first act as Queen will be to banish you to Krona," finished Madeleine with a haughty air of finality.

Adelaide's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare!"

Her daughter's demeanour was icy. "You're lucky I'm not banishing you to Siberia. But if you test me—"

"Siberia at least has decent vodka..." chimed in Leo, sauntering past her out the room.

Adelaide tipped her head contemplatively. “He's got a point, you know…”

"Argh!!" screamed Madeleine, slamming the door behind her with such vehemence that it rattled the bottles in the liquor cabinet.

Vile cretins! The whole bloody lot of them!

Grabbing her intended by the arm, she hauled him all the way back to the ball, ignoring the profanity-filled protests.

Stopping in front of the pair of footmen that were manning the ballroom doors, she snapped, "Inform the King that Prince Leopold is ready for his coronation."

"Actu— Ow!!"

She brutally silenced the forthcoming objection with a heel to Leo’s foot.

As the servants rushed away to do her bidding, she manhandled Leo back into the same ante-chamber that he'd disappeared from earlier.

"Mads, stop!" he pleaded as she pulled him across the Persian carpet like a stubborn mule. "Can you please just—?"

"No," she declared, shoved him through the velvet curtains and onto the gilded dais without ceremony. "You will do your duty, even if it kills you, you ungrateful oaf!"

The hubbub of the crowd instantly ceased as Leo stumbled to a stop.

"There you are!" snap Constantine into his ear. "You have some nerve—"

"Just get on with it..." sighed Leo, the weight of finality crashing down on him as he caught his brother's the eye from across the room. Liam always hated it when his brother and father argued, and Leo didn't want to subject him to a public spectacle.

Constantine looked like he wanted to say more, but quickly decided against it. Turning to the congregation, he spread his arms and launched into his pre-prepared speech.

"Good evening, one and all! It is a great honour to have so many of you come out tonight to show your support not only for—"

"Pay attention!"

Glancing down, Leo caught Madeleine's disproving glower from the foot of the dais.

He suppressed a groan.

How they were going to sire royal babies, he had no idea...

...probably with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol...and possibly even a paper bag.

Because he already knew that there was no way that he wouldn't be able to not think about Adelaide while doing it with her daughter.

As even now, in the midst of his own coronation, his mind kept drifting back to the passionate coitus they'd shared on that billiards table before it had gotten oh, so rudely interrupted.

The way she'd moved... The sounds she'd made... That thing with her tongue... It sent shivers down his spine all over again.

And suddenly he had a stark realisation.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't go through with the coronation.

Not if it meant never being able to see her again.

"...and, now..." his father was saying, holding upon the ancient Rys signet ring, "with the bestowal of this ring, I—"

"I abdicate!"

A collective gasp of disbelief rose from the room.

Glancing up, Leo found his father and step-mother staring at him with open mouths, all semblance of propriety forgotten in the face of the shocking announcement.

But he was not perturbed. He'd made his decision. "I, Leopold Maximilian Fernando Constantine Rys, hereby officially and irrevocably renounce my royal titles as Crown Prince of Cordonia and Duke of Applewood." Turning to Constantine, he added with an apologetic shrug, "Sorry, Dad. Just wasn't feeling it."

The heavy gold band clattered to the floor as the cameras exploded into a frenzy of flashing.

"What the devil are you doing?!" demanded Madeleine, appearing in front of him as he hopped off the stage. "Get back up there and—"

"Better luck next time, Mads!" he shouted over the growing dim as he quickly skirted around the edge of the ballroom.

Reaching the closest set of French doors, he threw them open and — with the practiced ease of a man who'd done this exact manoeuvre a hundred times before — vaulted over the edge of the balcony.

Landing on the gravel, he caught sight of the lone pair of headlights idling in front of the Palace steps, and the figure that was in the process of getting behind the wheel.

A knowing smile spread over his face.

Loping across the drive, he managed to intercept the Aston Martin Vantage convertible before it had a chance to drive off.

The driver raised a brow at him as he approached. "Aren't you supposed to be getting crowned?"

"Realised I had somewhere more important to be," he admitted, coming to a stop by the side of the car. "Room for one more?"

Adelaide's lips curved into a smile. "Always, darling."

"Excellent!" exclaimed Leo, hopping into the passenger seat.

She cast him a sidelong glance. "You know this is never going to work out..."

"And?" he grinned, kicking his feet up onto the dash.

Throwing her head back with a laugh, Adelaide pressed the pedal down, kicking the tail of the Aston as they left the ball to dust.

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#sex bomb #leo rys #adelaide amaranth #crack ship #choicesprompts #smutember 2023 #Spotify

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annikin-annotates · 2 years

Note

THE HELLFIRE CLUB TEACHING YOU HOW TO PLAY DND PLS

20 Sided Fist Fight

A/N: I don’t know a whole lot about DM-ing mechanics, but I did some research to make this as accurate as possible! tried my hardest to do it justice, as well as keep it as in character as possible. I hope you like it!

Request: Hellfire teaching you how to play D&D.

Content: Unknowing reader trying to play D&D, Eddie helps build a character, fluff ensues.

WC: 1.3K

Both Eddie and you had been sitting on the couch in your lounge room when the urge to ask him the worlds out of pocket question arose. Shifting your body to sit beside him with one leg tucked under you, the other hanging lazily off the arm of the couch. His eyebrows rose at your sudden movement, “yes baby?” he asked, already knowing you were getting ready to ask a question. Letting out a slow breath before asking “teach me how you play D&D, please?” you stated, the words coming out more like a suggestion rather than a demand.

The light that burst in his eyes was only comparable to that of a collapsing star, full of beauty and excitement “are you being serious?” He asked shifting to face you. You nodded vigorously “of course I am! I’ve been wanting to play for ages, but I know Hellfire is super strict on players knowing how to play. Their DM is a real stiffler for rules” you said with a grin, putting emphasis on the last part. Eddie smiled “and that he is, doesn’t mean he isn’t a big softy for his partner” he shot back, you laughed “so you’ll teach me?” you questioned, raising an eyebrow in a stern fashion. He nodded, “Of course I will, my love. In fact, I’m going to get the whole club involved.” He hummed, pulling you closer to his chest.

There were a few beats of silence before Eddie broke it again “do you want to make your character?” he asked, resting his head on yours. You looked up at him “Right now?” you asked, his eyes gazed into yours before shifting away, he gave a half-hearted shrug “I was thinking about maybe next month, but if you want to do that right now that’s cool” he laughed, poking fun at you.

“Okay smarty pants, how do I create a character? You’re the DM here!” you laughed, clutching your heart in mock offence that Eddie Munson, the king of sarcasm; was being sarcastic. He jumped up from the couch and disappeared out to his van, coming back in with a heavy looking book and a large black binder covered in stickers and doodles, he set his things down on the kitchen table with a hearty Thud.

You stared at him and the binder incredulously, “I would ask you if you really carry that stuff everywhere but it is you we are talking about here” you retorted. He gave you a half-pointed look “you wouldn’t have me any other way, now come and sit” he shot back, pointing at a chair. Getting up from the comfortable reprieve that was your couch you obliged him, pulling up a chair across from him at the table.

Eddie flipped open the binder and pulled out a character sheet, a pencil, a few dice, and opened the handbook placing it between the both of you. He sensed your confusion as you tilted your head slightly, unsure of what he was doing. He smiled softly, he loved being able to teach you things; he was ecstatic to finally teach you about Dungeons and Dragons. “What we will do first is pick your race and class, then we can move on to filling out the actual character sheet. So just have a look through the book and see what you like” he smiled, pushing the sturdy book your way.

There was a silence that fell between both you and Eddie, not an awkward one, one that was comfortable there wasn’t any pressure to fill the silence, you liked that about Eddie. The pages made a little fwip sound as you perused the book, your ears perked at a race called ‘Tieflings’. They were the outcome of demonic ancestry, and they looked bad ass. Another few beats of silence passed until you picked a class, you wanted to be a Bard and nobody was going to stop you.

“I want to be a Tiefling Bard” you grinned watching Eddie’s eyebrows raise once more “Strong choice for a first timer, are you sure you can handle that?” He purred, leaning forward. You rolled your eyes “Yeah, yeah, I know me playing D&D makes you horny. Now show me how you make my totally badass character so I can cause chaos” you laughed. Eddie sighed and flipped his hair back over his shoulder, before sliding the sheet of paper over and placing the pencil on top of it.

“I’m going to give you six predetermined numbers that you are going to pop into these little boxes along the side here. There aren’t any right or wrong answers, just put them where you think they would be helpful” he looked at you, awaiting your response. You picked up the pencil and pulled the sheet towards yourself, waiting for him to give you the numbers “15…14…13…12…10…8”. you pencilled the numbers into the boxes you saw fit and pushed it back to Eddie to check over.

You spent the rest of the day going back and forth creating this character with Eddie, him giving you hints on where points and modifiers are best used for your class type. By the end of it you were both surrounded by snack wrappers and dice, you laid your head on your hands, elbows resting on the table and stared at him. “Do you think I’m ready to be part of this infamous Hellfire Club?” you asked, word muffled by your hands. He smiled back at you before nodding “You’re going to knock them dead. Literally”, he laughed getting up from the table to get another drink.

Before you knew it, it was time to go to Hellfire you had gotten off work early for this very special occasion. You pulled into the parking lot of Hawkins High, it felt so strange to be there as an outsider and not a student. Your boots thudding as they made contact with the linoleum flooring that always felt slightly sticky underfoot. Turning a corner and continuing down a long hall, passing door after door before you reached one that said ‘Hellfire’ on the outside in old lettering.

You could hear the muffled chattering and the booming voice that belonged to Eddie, taking a deep breath you opened the door. “Gentlemen, I would like to present to you all our new Tiefling Bard” Eddie grinned, walking over to you, and sitting you in a chair to the left of him. You were greeted with various versions of hello as you sat down, you gave an awkward wave and a small “Hi”, feeling way out of your depth already. As if Eddie sensed your worry, he tapped the table in front of you

“Hey, don’t worry. You’re going to do great. I got these for you to celebrate your first game with the club” he handed you a small pouch. You took it gingerly, the contents of the pouch rattling you opened it up to see a set of deep purple dice with flecks of gold in them, with the numbers being a matching gold. Tears brimmed at your eyes, but you forced them down “Thank you, Eddie. I love them” you smiled “I’m glad, Sweetheart” he smiled back.

The game was full of twists and turns, a few bumps in the road with trying to do math on the fly but nothing the group didn’t help with. They all had a hand in helping you through this first game, it was definitely very sweet of them to do so. Their behaviour didn’t have anything to do with the twenty-minute lecture Eddie gave them about being nice to you before you got there. As it all came to a close and you were helping Eddie clean up the club space an infectious grin crossed his face “What are you grinning at?” you asked. He only shook his head “Nothing, nothing at all”.

You went to bed that night with an unfaltering smile, nobody could rain on your parade.

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guyswithpiercings · 5 months

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Wendell Stiffler

#2010s #stretchings #ear stretchings #piercings #nostril piercing

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a30somethingslookatpopculture · 8 months

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Top 10 Movies that *Feel* Like Summer

(I only included films that I have seen or personally feel capture that summer feeling).

Stand By Me

The boys spend their summer day going on an adventure. Along the way, they connect on a deeper level. Sure, they’re on the hunt for a body, but it’s the perfect encapsulation of childhood and those summer memories with your friends. The Oregon backdrop really creates the mood; with beautiful mountain scapes, lots of sunshine, woodland areas and swamps, etc. It’s also a beautifully written (and even more beautifully acted) film. When I think of summer as a young teen, I think of this film.

2. Friday The 13th / Sleepaway Camp (You could also put Fear Street Part 2 here as well)

I’m putting these two together since they are virtually the same thing. Both films take place at a summer camp. And of course, involve good, wholesome Slasher fun! They have beautiful lakeside views, summer camp activities, the whole shebang! We’ve all (or most of us) been to summer camp. So I think there’s something to relate to in these films, and admire. So what if a few teenagers get their comeuppance in the process.

3. American Pie 2

The central plot of this film is a huge blowout party by the beach. The gang orchestrates a big bash to close out summer. It’s Stiffler and the gang, so of course chaos ensues. This one’s a lot of laughs!

4. The Sandlot

I really see this one and Stand By Me as sort of the same kind of thing. Both even share a scene where the kids have to escape a guard dog. But at their core, both are the epitome of hanging with your friends and getting into all sorts of fun during summer break. This one is just set in the summer of 1962, and with a baseball backdrop.

5. Jaws

This one literally happens around the 4th of July weekend. It’s at the beach and is filled with holiday festivities. It’s about as summer a movie as it can get! Oh, and it has sharks, so that’s cool!

6. Grease

“Summer lovin had me a blast”. It’s right there in the song. Danny and Sandy meet on the beach and fall in love. Neither realize that they’ll end up at the same school. The movie comes full circle when it ends at the end of the school year and it’s summer again. To cap things off, there’s a big carnival with all the summer vibes!

7. The Parent Trap

Another summer camp movie. Gosh, there’s so many. But this is a nice family-friendly one. Twins Hallie and Annie are both sent to the same summer camp, where they discover that they were separated at birth. Of course, there's the usual summer camp stuff in this one. But there’s also some great scenes later on where the whole family goes on a camping trip, and the twins totally torture their soon to be stepmom with pranks. It’s hilarious and worth the watch for that alone!

8. National Lampoon’s Vacation

This one is a bit of nostalgia from the days of going on family vacations during the summer. The Griswold’s take a cross-country road trip to Walley World, a California amusement park. In true Griswold family fashion, they run into a lot of mishaps along the way. These are so entertaining! This film is complete with stopping at a campground for the night, skinny dipping, a visit to the Grand Canyon, and eventually making it to the amusement park. Which is quite the misadventure in and of itself.

9. Dirty Dancing

It’s the summer of 1963, and Baby is vacationing at an upscale resort with her family. She falls in love with dance instructor Johnny Castle. Throughout the film we see the two of them grow closer together as he teaches her a routine for the upcoming end of summer shindig. This one isn't as summer filled as some of the others on this list, but it definitely takes place during that time and has great lakeside views as well,

10. I Know What You Did Last Summer

Summer is literally in the name. This is another one that takes place on (and around) July 4th. On July 4, 1996, Julie James and her friends take a drive to the beach. They hit someone on the drive and dump the body to cover it up. Fast forward a year later, Julie is back from college for the summer when she and her friends begin receiving letters saying, "I know what you did last summer!" From there, someone in a rain slicker and a hook for a hand starts stalking and killing the characters off one by one. An integral part of this film is the 4th of July celebrations in the town. A Parade. A pageant. The seaside scapes! This (and Jaws) are July 4th MUST WATCHES for me every year!

#Summer #Summer Movies #Stand By Me #Dirty Dancing #The Sandlot #Grease #The Parent Trap #Friday The 13th #Sleepaway Camp #I Know What You Did Last Summer #National Lampoons Vacation #Jaws

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stupid-sloot-headcanons · 2 years

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You ever think about how Stiffler's mom in American Pie likely set off an entire generation of MILF fetishists in the 1990s

Like MILFs have been a thing for longer than that. But Jennifer Coolidge shot up in terms of her career and becoming a sex symbol practically overnight, and I can't help but wonder if MILFs became way more prominent as a thing after the first American Pie released

#also iirc she said in an interview that she was constantly getting dick from younger guys from her role as Stifflers mom #like...an an estimate of 200+ guys/ex boyfriends calling her back out of the blue #.sillyshit

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kallista-dragonsoul · 2 months

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Good evening, Wanderers! Tonight, I am proud to present to you artwork of myself and my beloved cat, Merlin! Credit for the art goes to the ever amazing Stiffler, of Chaos Life! You can find more of their works here: https://chaoslife.findchaos.com/

#pngtuber #pngtubing #livestreaming #vtuber #the warlock's ramblings

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final-destination-headcanons · 1 year

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Ah yes, I love the post-Scream supernatural horror Final Destination. We have characters like:

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why~

Off-brand Clarisse from Fahrenheit 451

Steve Stiffler, what are you doing here?

Holy shit is that Olivia Hussey??

Just hang in there!

And that’s how Regina George died

The Literal Worst TM

#final destination #can y’all guess who is who based off of my very shitty description of each character?

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nysocboy · 7 months

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What does Tony Cavalero like about Seann William Scott? His face, physique, or homophobia

On his Instagram page, Tony Cavalero characterizes himself as "Da Baby of Farley and Stiffler, Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, Ozzie Osbourne in The Dirt." I figured that Farley and Stiffler must be an animated comedy, with Tony playing a baby. But according to the IMDB, there is no tv show with that name, nor any character named Da Baby. He must mean that he is like the son of these two people.

Further research reveals that Farley (Seann William Scott) is the protagonist of Mr. Woodcock (2007), attempting to keep his mother from marrying his sadistic former gym teacher. Never saw it.

Stiffler (Seann William Scott) is a main character of the American Pie franchise (1999-2012).I 've never seen any of them (although I know what they do to the pie). I found a list of his disgusting antics on the fan wiki. Most involve homoerotic acts, like kissing a dude!

Scott also kisses a guy, Ashton Kucher, in Dude, Where's My Car (2000). Both actors were interviewed about how the managed to do something so disgusting. Plus there's homophobic jokes, gay panic jokes, and lesbian jokes, covering all the bases.

In Role Models (2008), Scott plays an energy-drink salesman assigned to be a role model to a foul-mouthed young boy. Homophobic jokes and gay slurs abound, but at least we get a shot of his butt.

In Balls Out (2009), Scott plays a high school janitor who coaches a tennis team. I can't find any references to homophobic jokes, but I imagine there are some. At least he shows us his bulge (in a jockstrap).

So why does Tony stylize himself as the child of two Seann William Scotts? Since he's currently playing a gay character, it probably isn't his history of homophobia. Is it his face, his physique, or his dick?;

The NSFW version of this post contains a lot of Seann William Scott bulge and butt pics.

#Tony Cavalero #Keefe Chambers #American Pie #Seann William Scott #homophobia #rear nudity #Mr. Woodcock #Balls Out

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adamwatchesmovies · 7 months

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Tomcats (2001)

Tomcats is a sex comedy so aggressively misogynist, so unfunny, and so inept it will make you want to chemically castrate yourself with molten lava. It’s an extreme statement but your hatred towards this film will be extreme. Anything you can do to dissociate yourself from this wretched excuse for entertainment isn’t enough.

As another member of the gang gets married, the remaining bachelors make a pact to stay single forever. To make their pledge more interesting, everyone in attendance agrees to throw money in a fund every year, with the last “tomcat” taking the whole thing. Years later, when Michael (Jerry O’Connell) becomes indepted to pit boss Carlos (Bill Maher, who adds another reason to hate him by appearing in this film), he desperately needs cash. He makes it his mission to get Kyle (Jake Busey) to fall in love with the one woman he came closest to caring for, Natalie (Shannon Elizabeth).

At least writer/director Gregory Poirier lays his cards on the table right away. This is American Pie if ALL of the characters were Stiffler after spending a decade inside the world of Porky’s and then 10 times less funny. To the men in this film, women are not potential partners or lovers and friendship is out of the question. If you have a pair of breasts and you’re attractive, you’re another target. If you’re old or overweight, you’re garbage. Nothing could be worse than telling a woman “I love you” or spending the rest of your life in a monogamous relationship.

Assuming you can get past the rampant hatred for women that stinks up the entire running time, you’re in for a ridiculous and convoluted premise. In a bid to impress a woman who “only pays attention to high rollers”, Michael blows over $50,000 dollars on the casino floor in one night. I say if he’s that stupid, let him get dumped in the ocean with cement shoes. He’s too dumb to live. Instead, he’s given one chance to save his life by setting up his “friend” in a fake marriage to a woman who hates him. Granted, said friend took Natalie's virginity and threw her away like a proposition to allow women the right to vote, so you don't feel bad for him. Turns out Natalie is a vengeful undercover police officer and she’s more than willing to use the precinct’s ressources to spy on a civilian. Plus, she'll get paid, so that's great but uh oh! The more time she and Michael spend together, the more they realize they have things in common… What could happen next?

The plot is as predictable as it gets and since there is no character development or relationships to be fleshed out, the running time is padded with gags so lame they’ll make you beg for death. When Natalie hints to Michael that she may be falling for Kyle, he becomes furious. In retaliation, he decides he’ll sleep with the next woman he sees (it’s that easy, don’t you know?). First one’s a fatty so he meant the first HOT woman he sees. It’s a demure librarian. I’ll give you three guesses what happens when she brings him home. It’s awful, but not as awful as the gag in which Michael has to chase down a runaway testicle in the hospital (really) or the running joke in which Michael and Kyle’s mutual friend, Steve (Horatio Sanz) thinks his beautiful wife, Tricia (Jaime Pressly) is cheating on him with another woman. She is and he would be mad about it but when he gets invited to join the in the bedroom, all of his anger and anxieties go away.

The performances from the leads aren’t the worst you’ve seen. Or maybe they just seem decent compared to Jaime Pressly, who is so awful you swear they sculpted her out of pine and dragged her on set. Your jaw drops but you pick it up quickly out of fear that some bodily fluid will fly out of the screen and into your mouth. This is the one area where the film kind of shows restraint. Aside from a fake-look lactating breast shown during a horrifying fantasy sequence, there isn’t any nudity in this movie… until the end credits when we see a bunch of outtakes, none of which are any funnier than the actual movie.

If all of these flaws weren’t enough, the direction is aw-ful. Gregory Poirier transitions from scene to scene like an amateur. You know those transitions you find in Microsoft Powerpoint? The one where the screen spins on itself, the checkerboard cross, the zig-zag cross, and the circle wipe? all are used without a dash of irony. The budding “romance” between Natalie and Michael isn’t the least bit convincing because a) the actors have no chemistry whatsoever and b) their dialogue is never romantic or realistic. Constantly, your eyes will dart towards the clock on your player. Has it really only been an hour? We’ve got how many more minutes to go?

I haven’t hated a movie as much as I hated Tomcats in a while. It’s hard to imagine ANYONE watching the film and having a good time unless they were one of those “bros before hoes” idiots… and even then, they wouldn’t be able to relate to this film’s ending so that’s a no-go for those chowderheads either. I can’t wait to forget I ever saw this abomination. (On VHS, May 9, 2021)

#tomcats #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #gregory poirier #jerry o'connell #shannon elizabeth #jake busey #horatio sanz #jaime pressly #2001 movies #2001 films

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