#spent most of december with my family- they came all the way to see me and my fiancée for the holidays!! 🥹 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hischierswhore · 10 months

Text

back to december

pairing: Christian Pulisic x Reader

In honor of “Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)” being released, this is based on “Back to December” by Taylor Swift 💜

You sat in the nearly empty café at a small table for two, hidden in the back corner of the room. You anxiously waited for the little bell above the door to ring, signifying that someone had entered. As you waited, your leg started bouncing up & down and your hands became clammy. You hadn’t seen Christian in nearly a year.

Around 10 minutes passed when the bell rang. Your legs immediately stood up, in hopes that it would be him, and a small smile crept onto your face as you saw his beautifully freckled face walking towards your table.

“Hey” Christian spoke as he approached you. You stood up to give him a quick hug, but you decided against it at the last minute.

“Hey. I’m so glad you were able to make some time to see me” You responded as you gestured for him to sit, him simply whispering a “yeah” as he sat down.

“How’s life? How’s your family? I haven’t seen them in a while”

“I’ve been good, busier than ever. They’re doing good too. Avery’s getting so big” He let out a slight laugh, and it made you happy to hear it for the first time in months.

You both small talk for a bit, talking about work & the weather, but you can sense that he’s a bit tense. His guard is most certainly up, and you know exactly why.

The last time he saw you was still replaying in the back of his mind: you leaving him. He had brought you some roses, and you left them there to die after that night.

“I’m just going to get it out of the way already. I’m so incredibly sorry for that night. I’ve tried to hard to move on after all these months but I just find myself missing you”

Christian didn’t speak. He watched you intently as you spoke, watching you let everything that you’d been holding in for all this time out.

“I haven’t been able to sleep, Chris. For 9 months I’ve spent each night thinking about the night I left. I’ve thought about how I didn’t call you on your birthday two months ago”

“Sometimes I think about the summer and all the times I watched you laughing in the passenger side” Chris spoke suddenly.

“And then I realized I loved you in the fall” You said quietly.

“But then the winter came and you were gone. I gave you all of my love and you decided it was time to leave” He mumbled as he let his head fall, staring down at the empty table in-front of him. You felt a pang of guilt in your chest at his words. It was your fault.

“I miss the way you held me in your arms that September night-”

“-the first time I ever saw you cry” Christian finished your sentence for you, memories from that night coming back to him.

Silence filled the air between you both, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“Maybe this is wishful thinking, but if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right. But if you’re not ready to try again, I understand” You looked at him, hoping he would lift his gaze and look you in the eyes.

“I can’t, Y/n. I can’t put my heart on the line again for you, when you might just turn around and break it like you did before” He looked at you as he spoke, his eyes slightly glossed over. He looked as if he was fighting back tears.

“But-”

“But nothing. I accept your apology, but it’s time for both of us to move on. We were great while we lasted, but I just can’t go through that pain again. You didn’t call once to see how I was doing, to see if I was okay. I waited for your name to appear on my phone for weeks, only for it to never happen. You can’t break my heart, disappear for months and then come waltzing back in like nothing happened, like you didn’t happen” A tear trickled down Christian’s face as he spoke.

“I’m so sorry, Chris”

“I know you are, and I accept your apology. But this” He gestured between the pair of you “Won’t happen again” You simply nodded your head at his words, unable to find words to express how you felt.

It was silent once again until Christian decided it was time to go.

“Well, thanks for inviting me. I think it was good for both of us to get it off our chests” He went in for a hug and you nearly melted into it. You missed this feeling, and you would never have it again.

A few seconds passed and Chris let go, saying goodbye one last time for walking out of the café. This time it was you who watched him leave, and your heart shattered the same way his had when you had left him.

“I’d go back to December all the time”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

taglist

@ithinkimokeei @myheartgoesvroom @mounthings @tall-tanned-tattoo @itsnotgray @alwaysclassyeagle @charlewiss @mortirolo @chelseagirl98 @lovelynikol16 @username-envy @pulisicsgirl @lizzypotter14 @bracedes @thoseboysinblue @swimmingismywholelife @neverinadream @fernandezology

#✎ natalie writes #christian pulisic #christian pulisic imagine #christian pulisic fanfic #christian pulisic x reader #christian pulisic x y/n #christian pulisic x you #christian pulisic angst

131 notes · View notes

xflippinfrogx · 1 year

Text

Moony’s laugh

A/N~ Heyy lovely people!! Soo I may or may not have fallen back into my marauders obsession and I have quite a few fic ideas so stick around if you love these idiots as much as I do :) and also MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!❤️

FANDOM: Harry Potter (Marauders)

LEE: Remus

LER(S): James, Sirius and Peter

🛑WARNING🛑— This is a tickle fic so if you don’t like that kind of stuff then please scroll on :)

It’s the 23rd of December 1973 and the Christmas Holidays have fallen upon the students of Hogwarts. Most have left to celebrate with their families but four gryfindor boys remained in the castle along with a few others that didn’t return home this season.

Remus was sat happily on the windowsill above the common room sofa, watching the snowflakes dance in the wind when the door bursted open.

In came three very cold but satisfied boys. They had spent the entire morning playing in the snow. Their favourite game was to see who could shove the most snow down someone else’s shirt. Remus had decided to sit that one out because he wasn’t in the mood to have hypothermia for Christmas.

He slid off his spot on the windowsill to sit on the sofa bellow while the others stripped from their wet coats. They decided to change first and then come back to bother Remus.

“Hey Moony did you see me win against those two!? I was way better than them.” Sirius exclaimed as he sprawled out on top of his friend.

“Oh shut it Padfoot you didn’t even stand a chance against us!” James chuckled.

“Yeah mate you surrendered within the first five minutes!” Peter said amidst his own laughter.

Sirius gawped at them and began his usual dramatics, complaining to Remus about how unfair they were being to him. Remus only smiled.

A few moments later of bickering between them and Sirius finally gave up. He curled slightly into Remus. “Bloody hell Moons you’re so warm” He whined. “You’re like my personal heater.”

“Oi budge over Sirius we want heater Moony too!” James and Peter joined the two on the couch and soon Remus was trapped between them all.

“Seriously can’t a guy get some personal space around here?” He didn’t actually mind. He only pretended too and the others knew this.

“But Remus we’re colddd” Peter groaned and James nodded his head.

“Yeah Moony feel my hands.” Sirius said shoving them up Remus’ shirt.

“PAHaDfoot dohont!” The atmosphere shifted as the others take in his reaction. A look of realisation washes over their faces.

“Remus Lupin, was that a giggle?” James asked raising his eyebrows. Out of the three he seemed the most excited to test out this new information.

Remus couldn’t think of an excuse for what had happened. A deep blush rose from the base of his neck to the tips of his ears. He couldn’t even speak a single word. This wasn’t good, he was utterly screwed.

“Boys, I think our dear Remus has been hiding something from his best friends all this time.” Remus began to struggle, trying to find a way out of this situation. He was completely trapped.

“I think it’s time we fix that don’t you Rem?” Peter smirked. Remus braced himself for the oncoming attack.

Almost immediately James straddled his hips and Peter grabbed his arms. Sirius wasted no time vibrating his hands into his ribs.

Straight away he was thrown into fits of giggles. He shook his head from side to side as though that would help. He never thought anything could tickle so much that you physically can’t think. It was as if his thoughts had vanished all because of a few wiggling fingers.

Peter dug into his under arms while James spidered over his sides.

“PLeahEasehe nohoho! I hahate youhu all!!” His eyes blurry with tears he continued laughing his heart out. His friends couldn’t contain their smiles as they saw their usually serious friend in pieces beneath them.

“Aw Rem your laugh is so cute! You should really consider laughing more often.” Sirius teased only forcing Remus to blush even more than before.

“Shuhut uhup SihiriUHAHAHAHAHA JAHAHAHAMESS STOHOHOHOP.” He honest to god shrieked.

Peter and Sirius turned to James, curious to see what had made Remus react in such a hysterical way. James had began circling his thumbs in the dips of Remus’ hips. His smile widened as he made eye contact with Remus.

“I think I’ve found it Rem.. I’ve found your worst spot haven’t I??” He questions, the giddiness clear in his voice. Remus didn’t even bother fighting back at this point and weakly nodded his head, giggling in anticipation.

“Lupin you are so dead” Peter remarks.

Not even a second had passed and Remus had began to scream with laughter once more. The other two just sat back laughing at their friends reaction. James was delighted with his discovery.

“JAHAHAHAHAAAMEHES PLEHEHEHEAHSE I CAHANT TAHAHAKE IHIHIT. NOHOHO *snort* JAHAHAMES!!” He finally stopped the torture of his friends hips, only because he had began laughing himself.

“Remus was that a snort!?” Sirius bellowed through fits of laughter, Peter laughing twice as hard.

“Hohow have we been friends for three years and we’re only finding this ohout now mate? You’re insanely ticklish!!” James asks helping Remus sit up.

“Ihi guehess I’m just gohood at keheeping secrets?” Remus was beginning to catch his breath. The others all smiled at their giggly friend.

“You’ve got us all Christmas now and we are so doing this again mate!!” Peter exclaims high fiving James.

“I hahate you all.” He didn’t really, he loved his friends and their silly antics. He couldn’t wait to spend Christmas with them and though he’ll never admit it, he loved when they tickled him and he was forever grateful for Sirius and his freezing cold hands that afternoon.

Merry Christmas to him<3 ~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

#Marauders tickle #harry potter tickle #Merry Christmas #sfw tickling #Tickle fic

94 notes · View notes

dumbfloweralive · 9 months

Text

The salvation of humanity

Chapter 12: Hob Gaddling, you're stupid.

Morpheus x (f)reader

Warning: alcohol

Reminder of the last chapter:

“We’ll see.” he said, taking your sleeping form in his arms.

He should leave you, staying out of your life. That would be for the best. He would end up hurting you.

“Let’s get you home, my little human.” He said, holding you close while raising from the ground and leaving.

Was he even capable of such thing.

10 December 2029

Eleven days had passed since Dream had found back his ruby. After what happened, he had brought you back to England, in the house he knew you loved with the fireplace, the one you two stopped on your way to Oxford. Once you were awake, the two of you had spoken.

Dream explained to you what had happened to him exactly during the last century. You had learned about Jessamy, who died helping him on the hand of Alex Burgess. The things they expected from him. The entire seven years he had spent alone, with no soul around until you came.

Your presence had comforted him, letting him feel safe as he opened up to you.

Then, he had answered your question. Who he was, his family, the Endless. You had learned about the Creator, the one above all. Dream was more than a god, that’s what you had understood, and that was a lot to take in.

The two of you went different way since he needed to return to his realm, and you, home, packing everything you needed to move North again to meet Edgar in “The new inn”.

But since then, you haven’t seen him nor heard of him. You weren’t worried much, though, he probably had many things to do. Yet, still, you had that sting in your heart, fearing you might never see him again. After all, you were just human.

Why would he care?

Meanwhile, Dream had spent the last days working on his realm, fixing everything that needed to. Finding back the resident of the Dreaming. He did have noticed his missing creation. At some point, they should come back, or he will found them.

Yet, something remain missing. He was certain that, after he would have found all his tools, he will feel good again. Now, he was just disappointed, having no idea why he felt this way when he was stronger than ever.

So, there he was, sitting on a bench, feeding pigeons until his sister, Death, joined him. They had exchanged until she asked why he was so moody. And, Dream decided to share his thought with his sister. Sharing his desire of revenge remaining unfulfilled because Paul and Roderick Burgess were dead, the thought of the mutants out there, the way he felt, empty compared to the exciting journey he had to found his tools. The way he felt more powerful than ever. A new purpose he had, a quest he had loved every minute, in this changed world.

“I was so sure that, once i got everything back, i’d feel good. But in some way, i feel worse than when i started… I feel like… Nothing” Bored, he wanted to say. Empty, like something remain missing.

“There, you asked”

His sister looked at him, smiling gently, before putting her hand on his knee.

“You could have called me, you know.” Death said.

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“I don’t believe it” she sound bored, rolling her eyes and standing up.

“Let me tell you something Dream, and i’m only gonna say this once so, you better pay attention” She picked his bread out of his hand.

“You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centred, pathetic excuse for an anthropomorphic personification, on this, or, any other plane. Feeling sorry for yourself because your little game is over, and you haven’t got the balls to get out and find a new one. You're as bad as Desire, no, worse” She spit out, throwing the bread back in Dream chest.

Dream felt offended, especially by her last sentence. Worse than Desire? No way.

“Did it never occur to you that i would be worried about you.”

“I didn’t think…” He started, but was cut short by Death.

“Exactly, you didn’t think.”

The group of human next to them throw away the ball, which Death catches quickly, just like Dream a few minutes ago.

“Waou, you’re just as good as your friend” the man pointed out.

“He’s not my friend, he is my brother, and he’s an idiot.” She said, sending back the ball.

“I am just feeding the birds.” he answered back, looking at the ground will the human walked away.

“Is this about this human and her dog?” she finally asked.

“I don’t know who you're referring to.” Lies. How could she know about his dear human.

“Don’t play this game with me, Dream”

Dream looked at her, waiting for his big sister to kept going, knowing he didn’t have anything to say about you.

“You spend almost two weeks around her day and night after spending a century imprisoned. It’s normal that you miss adventures with her. Normal that you feel this way now that you are alone again.”

“I can’t, you know it. It’s for the best” he said, more bitter than he wanted.

He had walked out of your life for a reason, the best reason. He couldn’t miss you, the adventures with you, he mustn’t. You were just a mortal. Soon, you would be gone. Dream had learnt his lesson long ago.

But the more the days passed, the more he felt your absence pulling him down.

Death sighs, knowing he had closed himself about you. She won’t get anything out of him.

“Look, i can’t stay here all day, i’ve got work to do. You can come with me, or you can stay here and sulk.”

“I’ll come with you, i suppose”

Dream followed Death on her day. She mentioned Hob Gadling and Dream decided to pay him a visit later that day. Perhaps that’s what he would need. A friend.

Death brought him with her, taking the souls she could. Ever since the outbreak and the apocalypse happened, her job had been more difficult. No human died easily, usually, they came back as mutant. She was unable to save any of them. And, even though she had grown fund of her work, she despised this aspect of humanity. They weren’t dying any more, not in the way they should. The souls to get back were rare. The souls were trapped into their monster mind. A terrifying thought.

"Are they conscious of their state?" He asked, suddenly afraid of the answer.

"I hope not. But i can never get their souls. Only when they are killed."

Dream mentioned this mutant again, explaining how he tried to fight them with his power. Death felt sad for her little brother. He wasn’t aware of what had happened when it all started, all they had learned about these zombies.

“Dream, our power doesn’t work on them.”

Dream turned to her, confused. How could that even be possible.

“We are vulnerable to them, just like them.” she continued, referring to the human they had in front of them.

“How ?”

“We don’t know.” She said, sadly.

None of the Endless, none of the deities, knew how it happened nor why it happened. But once thing was certain for all of them.

Humanity was damned.

And for Dream, it felt like shockwave. He couldn’t believe it to be true.

During their walks, Death explained to him everything she had witnessed during his absence. Showing him faces of humanity he had never guessed possible. Saying that they were here for them and not otherwise. He learned of faces of humanity that reminded of you. It made him care about them, the same way he cared about you.

And he would try to be better for Humanity.

That’s how, Dream of the Endless found back is way to a new pub called “The New Inn”, near Oxford, in an old quarantine zone in search for Hob Gaddling, the immortal human.

The café was a warm and cosy place, people were walking around, exchanging with one another. In the back, staircase were leading to rooms, probably. Different from the white horse tavern yet delightful.

Here, it felt like nothing had happened outside. People were careless and happy.

And he caught sight of him. Hob Gaddling.

Dream walked closer to him. He could feel a familiar presence near him. But then, he was facing Hob, smiling. This one raised his eyes, catching Dream sight.

And he smiled back.

“You’re late” Hob said which caused Dream to laugh.

“It seems i owe you an apology, i’ve always heard it impolite to keep one’s friend waiting.”

Dream sat in front of him and the two friends started exchanging.

Time flew away as the two friends were catching the time missed. Dream explaining the reason of his absence and his sudden return. Hob listening to his story, heartbroken for his friend.

“If i had known, i would have found a way to help you, i am sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, you had no idea, especially giving the circumstances of our last meeting.”

And Hob nodded, remembering that famous night.

“And that woman, she just randomly helped you? And helped you find back the things you were looking for?” Hob asked, referring to the woman who had freed Dream.

“She did”

“In time like this, she must be quite of a woman.” Hob commented, laughing.

“Let me be honest with you. I’ve fought in the two World War and others war, but these things outside… They are creeping the shit out of me.” Hob continued, taking a sip of his café.

“The people able to fight them like these have guts.”

Dream observed around, still feeling this familiar presence but not recognizing it as Hob presence. Then a new one. He recognized Bérangère, who had walked in and was sitting at the bar.

“So, you wait for me here, every day?” he asked Hob.

“Yes, though i must admit i was waiting for one of the traders to go out. I need her help with something.”

“And who is she?”

“I admit i do not know. I have never met her, and she's probably going to reject my demand anyway. She had better thing to do than helping me retrieve my books.”

In the upstairs of The New Inn, you were trading with Edgar. He was asking once more for one of the usual run out in the worst part of Oxford and in one of the hospital. It will be winter soon, and they needed supplies here. The dog was sitting next to you, keeping his eyes on the armed men of Edgar.

“What do i get in exchange?” You asked, taking a sip of the whiskey in front of you.

“The munition you need, and you can keep a car.” he offered.

“Good. I want one more thing.” you continued, leaning forward.

“I need an echo graph machine and vitamin.”

“What for?”

“We are missing this machine in my place.”

Last week, you had finally found everything for pregnancy testing. Turned out, Elizabeth was indeed pregnant. She would need that along many other women.

Edger leaned on his chair, thinking before moving his hand to you.

“Deal?”

You grabbed his and shook his hand back.

“Deal”

“Great, when do you need the car to leave.”

“Tomorrow morning, the weather should be better”

He nodded as you rose from your chair.

“See you soon” he said as you leave the room, going downstairs.

“Ah, there she is.” Hob said, pointing out the girl with braided hair walking down the stairs.

Dream turned, and he felt his heart missed a beat as he recognized you and the dog.

He was right when he said everything was pushing him to you.

You had walked to Bérangère, sitting next to her at the bar.

“I know her.” Dream whispered, looking at you.

“You do?” Hob said, tapping Dream shoulder.

“She is the one who freed me.” Dream murmured to Hob.

“You must introduce me to her.” Hob said, all excited.

“No” Dream could hear you laughing with your friend.

“Why not?”

“Because” was the only answer Dream gave to Hob.

Hob felt his friend more than reluctant, though he had seen the way he looked at you. Dream cared a lot.

“She is your friend” he said, trying to convinced Dream.

“I decided to never see her again” Dream whispered to Hob.

“Why is that?”

“She is just human, mortal one.” Dream said, hiding the real reason.

And Hob could feel he was hiding it.

“I’ll do it myself then.” Hob said, standing up and walking in your direction.

Dream tried to hide the best he could until he felt something touching his legs. His eyes went to the floor and he saw the dog.

“Hello you” he said, patting his head. The dog put his paw on his knee, waiting for something.

Yes, everything was pushing him to you.

Dream heard his friend.

“Hello ladies.” he said to them.

“Hello stranger” you said, observing the man in front of you, your glass of whiskey in your hand.

“I believe you know my friend over here” he said, pointing out Dream who were trying to hide even more. Hob had sold him.

You followed the place he was showing and you saw him. Dream. Your heart skipped a beat.

“I believe i do.”

Dream decided to stood up and joined Hob. The dog following him close.

“Hey Dream, long time no see” you said, a soft smile taking your face. You felt Bérangère kicking your arm, a mischievous grin on her face.

Dream, again, you still called him Dream, he thought.

He would have love to felt nothing as he was standing here. But he didn’t. Actually, the emptiness he had felt for the past days had gone.

That couldn’t happen.

Just one last time, he heard himself think, hearing his heart begging. One last time and he would leave forever. Even when he would come back here, it would be in a hundred years to meet Hob, you would be dead and gone. And if he ever had to come to earth once more, it wouldn't be near you, it was unlikely. One last adventure.

“Good to see you” he said, locking his gaze on yours.

“So, your name his Dream?” Hob cut the moment, finally aware of Dream name.

“No, it’s Morpheus” corrected Bérangère and Hob stared at you confused.

“It’s a private joke” Dream said, remembering the exact word you had told to Graham. And he smiled at you, a wide genuine smiled which you returned to him.

The evening went fine. Hob, Bérangère, Dream and you were sat at a table speaking of everything yet nothing, cracking jokes and pun. Dream was silent most of the time, sitting in front of you, facing you, catching your gaze from time to time.

“Can we have others?” Hob shoot to the barman out loud, and you shush him, pushing his hand.

“For Christ’s sake, be polite” You laughed at the man before Bérangère stood up from your side.

“Where are you going?” you asked as she moved away.

“It’s work time” She said, clapping her hand together.

“Might i say, thank you for this evening, with all this fun, i might have forgotten we actually were in the middle of the apocalypse.” She continued, bowing dramatically.

“Yeah, like we could forget that.” You said, waving at her. The dog was sitting between your legs, shifting suddenly to stand by Dream side, his head asking for cuddle.

“Traitor” You whispered to him, taking a sip of your drink.

Hob talked to you about his old flat, full of books and belonging, asking for your help to find them back. It was on your way, and you were pretty sure the car you will get tomorrow morning could be used for this task too.

Dream was silently listening to the two of you when he knocked on his napkin. He bent under the table to take it back and, while he raised back, his head knocks on something soft. His eyes drifted to fall on your hand, covering the corner of the table, realizing he knocked his head on your hand, instead of the corner of the table.

His heartfelt heavy on your action, of you taking care of him, making sure he didn’t get hurt. Without noticing, his gaze had stayed locked on you, observing every feature of your face. You felt his eyes on you for a while before turning to him and smiling.

“Are you good?” You whispered to him, losing the thread of the conversation with Hob for a second.

“Yes” He nodded, offering you small smile.

He should have thanked you, why couldn’t he say that. And honestly, he waited for you to say something about it. But he looked at you as you just smiled at him, turning back to Hob, returning to your previous conversation. The dog licked his hand, growling slowly.

“Yes boy.” he murmured to him, petting his head.

A gesture that made you smile even more as you saw it from the corner of your eyes.

It was getting dark outside, more people were inside the bar, and the place felt crowded. Dream felt uncomfortable, overwhelmed. Something that didn’t escape you.

“Hob, don’t you have a place nearby? Somewhere less crowded?” You asked him.

“Yeah, we could go to my flat. Are you coming, Morpheus?” He turned to his friend, hoping he would say yes.

Dream nodded, as the two of you were, soon, following Hob to his place. You had arrived quickly, and, as soon as Hob opened the door to his flat, you were amazed by all the books he had, adorning the walls and some organized in pile on the floor.

“Are these all yours?” you asked.

“Yeah, i was a historian teacher before… All of this. I took what i could but, i am missing my masterpiece. "

Your hands roamed over the pile of books as Dream entered the place, scanning it.

“You can take one.” Hob said, cleaning his place, not expecting visitors.

“So cool. By the way, what you wanted to ask me?” Taking the books about World War I.

“It’s about books.”

“Oh, i am in.”

You landed on the couch, sitting roughly before moving again, letting some place for Dream. Hob sat in his armchair, taking a bottle from behind the table.

“I like you Hob Gaddling.” you whispered, making the man crack a smile.

Your eyes fell on the chessboard next to him.

“Do you play?” He asked.

“Yes, love it, i am a monster at this.”

Hob took the chessboard, smiling at Dream.

“I am glad Morpheus took the initiative to introduce us.” Hob said, teasing Dream.

“I am too.” you said, laughing at the situation.

The dog came to sit between your legs as Hob put the pawn on the chessboard, letting you through the book you had borrowed, Dream reading over your shoulder. The place was warmer than the café, and he felt more comfortable as he felt your presence, happy to be around you.

“I propose something.” Hob said.

You lean forward, brushing Dream leg with your arm in the way.

“We play, each time someone loses is pawn hat to take the drink.”

“Good for me.” You said, putting the book at your side, opening the party with a simple move.

Hob were sure to win, he had years and century of experience in the area. But you were good, too good, and he noticed how Dream leaned next to you every time you seemed to take too long.

“Stop giving advice, it isn’t fair.” He complained after you took his horse.

“Why?” he asked, a smile adorning his face.

“Because you’re…” He almost let the information slipped because of the alcohol, stopping in his track as he looked at you.

“It’s fine, she knows.” Dream said, leaning back in the couch.

“She does?”

“Yes, i do” And Hob sights.

“I am your friend for what, like the past 5 hundred years and i just learn who you are. She knows you like, what? A month?” Hob continued, putting his hand over his heart, acting hurt.

“You know what i called that?” You said, acting like you were thinking.

"Oh yeah, i called that favouritism.” You whispered to Dream, and he gave you a small smile in return taking his king.

“You would’ve loose anyway.” Dream commented, looking at the chessboard.

“Yeah, i am too good at this.” Which earned you a grimace from Hob who lean back in his chair.

“I don’t want to play any more.”

The evening passed, rather quickly. You and Hob get along very well, and he even had proposed to come along with you in the mission.

“Y/N, how old were you when it happens?” Hob asked at some point of the night.

“Sixteen. I was in school when it happened, my school got invaded.”

“That must have been horrific.”

“Yeah” You whispered, toying with the dog hairs.

Dream remembered that nightmare you had, one when you were in school, running from the mutant. Killing one.

“I am gonna go to bed, you are free to stay here, obviously.” Hob said, raising from the couch.

“Do you have a cigarette, something like that?” you asked.

He threw you a pack of them, saying to keep it, leaving just Dream and you together. You walked outside, the cold air of the night making you shivers. Dream joined you, looking as you light up the cigarette, putting it between your lips.

“Who was the girl.” He asked.

You didn’t need to look too far to understand what he meant. If he was the god of dreams and nightmare, maybe he had seen yours too.

“She was my best friend, she got bit.”

Dream nodded.

“I saw that nightmare.” he confessed.

“I know, guessed it”

The silence lingered as you remembered that day.

“It didn’t happen, what you saw in that dream.” You confessed to him.

Dream turned to you, waiting for you to open up, not invading your space.

“I didn’t kill her. I couldn’t.”

You turned to the dog, watching him asleep on the carpet, next to the fire place.

“If it weren’t for Oscar, i would’ve died that day. He saved me, getting me out and the others out of the fucking school. She is probably still running around because of me.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty, you were just a kid.” Dream tried to comfort you, his hands resting on your forearm.

“I know.”

If you had died that day, no one would have saved him.

Another sign of destiny, perhaps.

The morning came quickly, as you packed your stuff in the car, Hob joined you and, to your surprised, Dream too. It made you happy. The dog jumped in the car next to you as you pat his head before he crawled next to Dream.

“Let’s fight some zombies.”

Hello everyone, sorry i am very late to post this. I had a lot of issue in this beginning of 2023 but here i am back and i hope you will be glad to see the adventure, to keep following the story. Happy to return to you guys, hope you had a great reading time.

See you soon!

@angelicwolf98

@freedomsofdream

@octo-octopie

@boofy1998

@lexi-anastasia

@cupcake-de-abacaxi

@xicesam

@carrietrekkie

@darkfairy102190

@adishax

#morpheus imagine #morpheus x reader #morpheus imagines #dream of the endless x reader #dream x you #morpheus #morpheus x you #dream x reader #dream of the endless #lord morpheus

21 notes · View notes

1358456 · 4 months

Text

The Return? ... Again?

Hi, everyone. So. It’s been a while. Again. Today is January 1, 2024, and the last post, Last Post 2.0, was from October 6, 2022, so… over a year. Again. Déjà vu~ I’ve just been in this place before~ Gone in October and returning in January~

… In hindsight, I should have posted the Last Post 2.0 on October 22. That way, both times, I would have retired on October 22 (Last Post and Last Post 2.0). And if I had done that, I would’ve waited until January 6 to return, thus returning both times on January 6 over a year after going away. Oh well.

… Also apparently, this Tumblr has become 10 years old. Hm. I guess I did make this thing in December 2013, so… yeah. That happened. 10 years of this Tumblr, and I’ve been gone for 2 of them.

So, what happened this time?

Well, nothing. I just enjoyed a long rest. Retirement, if you will. Unlike last time, where I spent the time either dying, comatose, rehab, or playing Yakuza games, this time, I just… lived normally, I guess. Spending lots of time with friends and family, going on vacations, working away in the store, playing Yakuza Ishin, playing Yakuza 7 Gaiden, crying like a bitch because of Gaiden (…), crying because of Yakuza 8 trailers (…), and so on and so forth. I rather enjoyed my long time off.

So, why return this time?

… It’s… complicated. Let’s just say that I’m returning now to undo the reason why I went away not-so-forever twice now.

Let’s see if I can point out the key parts here.

There’s a reason why I abruptly retired and disconnected from everything back in 2020. The impending death certainly played a part, but I didn’t have to “disconnect” from everything. But instead, I used that as an excuse to disconnect from everything and vanish.

It’s the same reason as to why I didn’t immediately return when I could have and instead, hesitated until 2022. Yeah, the pile of Yakuza games (3, 4, 5, 6, 7, Judgment, Lost Judgment) certainly kept me busy, but it’s not like I was busy literally all day every day. I certainly could have squeezed in some time to return to Tumblr. And is the same reason as to why I wanted to disappear as soon as possible upon returning. Though… that took some time. It took… what, 9 months, instead of the planned 2? Hehe…

And finally, it’s the reason why I came back now in 2024. The fact that I even wrote this out… I wouldn’t say that I stopped caring exactly, but… hmm… I guess you could call it a proof of resolve. I made a difficult choice, so to speak.

… Hopefully all this is irrelevant and will not be brought up again. But if it does…

This is kind of rambling, and no one would have any idea what the hell I’m talking about, so I’ll stop there. Normally, I would never write this out, out of consideration. But… well, subtle hints probably won’t work. They didn’t work last time. No reason why it should this time. But I have this out here… just in case.

… Now back to things that people would actually understand, because hell if I fully understand what I wrote. Hehe…

So, will I return to writing this time?

Banter? Yes. Short Story? Most likely though rarely. Full stories on FF/Ao3? No. I didn’t touch those last time, I have no intention of doing so this time. I’m still retired, after all. It’s like when pro gamers retire from a game. They still play it, just not in any tournaments or that regularly.

Meaning, I probably won’t be active that much… once the “stockpile” of post ideas runs out. I’ll post stuff whenever I feel like it, and… I just won’t when I don’t. Unlike last time, I have no obligation of any sort this time around. No post count, no objectives, no nothing. Once the “stockpile” runs out, the activity is going to be very sporadic. But at least this Tumblr will be open so that if I wind up with more post ideas that won’t go away, I have an outlet.

So, what’s different from 2022 this time?

You probably noticed the different layout. I messed with a bunch of stuff over time. Including disabling of messages. At least I think it’s disabled.

I disabled messaging (not “Ask”, mind you) because of a specific reas… I mean, whenever someone messages me, I have to ponder for a while how I’m going to respond when I don’t have any meaningful responses, so my responses always feel too detached or too forced. … And I really don’t like doing that since it feels rude. So… best to disable that entirely, but keep the ask inbox open for one-off responses. So… sorry, to those who have messaged me repeatedly in the past. No more. Spare me the effort of staring at the messages for a while, thinking of a response out of courtesy, and sometimes putting it off until later, only to forget that entirely thus not responding for an excessive amount of time, at which point, responding is incredibly awkward.

All in all, it won’t be much different this time than in 2022. I’ll post random stuff from… random rambles to banters and short stories, and you’ll read ‘em for minor enjoyment.

So, will there be another Last Post this time?

Last Post 3.0? Third time’s the charm? Heh. No. Not this time. At least, I’m not planning on it. If the reason behind this return goes off as hoped, then I’ll stick around. If it goes disastrously, then… welp. Back to the void.

So… I’m here again. It wasn’t “for real, this time though”. I doubt many noticed that my profile image has been changed from the old Mew to a Dragoon’s portrait for a while now. In the Last Post 2.0 post, I said that Mew would stay in the grave and not return in a Dragoon or Immortal or a Purifier platform. … Well, it’s been stuffed in a Dragoon shell now.

I actually tried to draw/edit a Mew image to make it look like it’s in a Dragoon pod, but… that didn’t go so well (some things never change), so I’m just using the SC Remastered Dragoon portrait for now.

I guess this post has gone on long enough. All I can say now is…

… For real, this time though… right?

Oh, also, Happy New Year. 2024, 甲辰年, Year of the Blue Dragon.

Woo~

... So, how've you been, everyone?

#generic post

6 notes · View notes

maccas-strawbi-sundae · 4 months

Text

✨💗 December 💗✨

♥ I got accepted into my course! It starts late next month, three days a week so hopefully I can go back to working outside of study just to help out my partner in regards to income (so long as it isn't customer service). I've been so anxious, I attended an info session with my partner and it would seem my class is primarily on the younger side and as we have to work on one another for practice it made me even more stressed.

♥ I am slowly getting around to trying all of the Muscle Nation products! I have been really unwell physically so I have been doing the minimum honestly.

♥ I picked out my wedding dress which surprisingly wasn't too bad of an experience? I had always expected the worst being someone on the bigger side e.g: nothing will fit, nothing will look flattering on me, I'm going to never find anything I like etc. Well, I did find something I like and ironically, it is by the same designer of the dress I originally fell for but, could not have as nowhere in the state where I live had it. I'll include a photo below but, for anyone who is interested in the finer details, the dress is the 7177+ by Stella York and the dress I had fallen for was the 7322+ by Stella York. Both dresses have a similar flow in terms of applique and design aha (you can also partially see my sternum tattoo hence the pink being visible on my chest).

♥ I had to cancel my rescheduled tattoo appointments as they were not feasible in terms of time (they were booked for days in which I'd be studying as, at the time I hadn't heard back) or money as I had all these things come out of nowhere all at once but, my regular tattoo artist thankfully was understanding as always and is willing to hold onto the designs for me for when I am able to come in.

♥ One of the more tedious tasks this year has been cleaning. It is an every day task but, I've always struggled with cleaning (outside of just regular dump whatever in the bin kind of cleaning). I can organise things but the actual take the time to clean has always been difficult for me. I get these odd moods now and again where I will spend hours cleaning, even deep cleaning appliances. Thankfully I had that happen today, I'd been wanting to clean out the fridge properly before Christmas and today that happened, I got down, pulled out all the shelves and cleaned it all, got in all the grooves and hard to reach spots too. I then spent some time doing all the dishes that were by the sink, re-organised all the cupboards and finally worked on the bedroom. It honestly came at a much needed time. Tomorrow I aim to organise all my clothes as this time of year I do a cull on clothes to donate.

♥ Alongside the cleaning, I've been trying to sort out what can go into storage (I have a storage locker, it costs $250AUD a month in rent) as our bedroom has been piled up with boxes but also little knick-knacks for a while not to mention my limited edition Care Bear plushes (which I keep in the box). I am part way there, just need to see when it can all go out to storage as my partner chose to put majority of his presents for me out in the storage locker.

♥ I think everyone tends to experience some kind of stuff around with grocery shopping for Christmas, unfortunately I am encountering it this year. Due to financial constraints it has been picking and choosing when and where can we get X, Y and Z. There is still 14 or so items that are needed (most go hand in hand for certain dishes) on my end since I cook every Christmas. This year there will be less than what we had last year however, we are attending my family's Christmas lunch this year so all that I'll be cooking is the dinner aspect but of course, a trifle will also be done up.

♥ Wedding planning is on the minimal side at the moment but, I've been thinking of having a sunset theme for photos e.g: people wear colours of the sunset so that when we take photos everyone stands out with different colours of the sunset. I think it would look really pretty. Oranges, yellows, pinks, purples and blues too. I actually have to order in a dress for my younger sister to try which is a really pretty 'dusty' blue.

#mental health #weight loss #health & fitness #personal #life #life update #ASD #autistic adult #studies #me #wedding #wedding dress #picsart #green #aesthetic

2 notes · View notes

rahadaddy · 1 year

Text

We are either one session or one session and an epilogue away from finishing the campaign I've been DMing since December 2021. I've spent a lot of time eager for my next campaign and wanting to just be done with the current game.

And then last night, I did something I should have been doing all along. I took my anxiety meds before, not during, the game. There was laughter, sincerity, and mortal peril. Strahd and Patrina were eerily the calm before the storm, the PCs gave passionate speeches and came up with insane plans to fight, the resurrected Dusk Elves took a very wounded Rahadin as a willing hostage, and the party is now spending the night in the Amber Temple "under Patrina’s protection"... and at dawn, they will fight the Dark Powers with a few wrenches in the works. If they win, there will be a glorious ending and an opportunity for the PCs and for me to give an epilogue, maybe hint at a future, wider Ravenloft campaign.

But... what if they fail?

I worry that after a year and a half of the game, the final battle can and will be a struggle. It isn't unwinnable, but it is the most challenging thing I'll have thrown at them. I have faith in my players. I don't have faith that I balanced things right.

Even if they win (when they win), I worry it's finally going to hit me in full force that this is some kind of goodbye. I confessed that I had tried to kill Rahadin in the Amber Temple (and other times before) but also that I realized that killing him would be killing my players' evidence of the good they've done. They've healed this man and become a family. He's become better for them and for his and Scout's unborn children. He's made friends and has come to care about people in a way he thought he couldn't since Sergei's death. In turn, they have changed Strahd in such a way that I know if I do the final battle right, it will hurt. If they defeat the Dark Powers, there will be huge wins and some losses. It will be bittersweet and beautiful and it will let them reunite their families and create the homes they've made with the people they love.

But how do you say goodbye to those characters? I would love to embark on a pan-Shadowfell/Ravenloft campaign with these characters but I don't have the time or the plans in place. We are about to embark on another "Curse of Strahd" game with some other friends. My players will have new PCs. I will be playing the CoS cast again, which is somehow harder than I thought. I feel as if operating Rahadin without Scout will be taking away an arm, a leg, a lung, his heart from him. I feel that Strahd is getting such a makeover that she (the next one is a woman) will have a new lease on life. What of the others? I've embodied a hundred NPCs for a year and a half and to reinvent them, relearn them, feels sharp and scary. Who are they when we take them back to Ground Zero? It gives me a chance to do justice to characters I struggled with the first time, like Ismark, the baron, Anastrasya, and the Wachters. But what about the ones I got so right that I don't know who they'd be if they were any other way? What about my Victor Vallakoviches, my Father Lucians, my Ez D'Avenirs, and most especially my Rahadins?

I'm crying as I write this. Quietly. I'm trying not to wake my girlfriend, who has played an amazing cleric and an amazing paladin for this campaign. She held me last night when it first hit me how sad I am. I'm grateful.

I don't know why it's so different with this game ending than it has been when Kid Strahd ends at the end of a school year. (I do, I do. Kid Strahd is always meant to end, always meant to be a little ridiculous. This was such an earnest labor of love). I'm not ready. I have to be. I don't know that I can ever be as good a DM. I have to be better. I may never have the same intimacy of a three-person party again. It will be okay.

How do other DMs handle this moment when they see the end in sight and it no longer looks like a finish line, but a sudden drop into some kind of creative death? How do you pick up and run the same module with a twist without feeling the phantom of your past self following your every move?

#cos #curse of strahd #player: D #dming #personal #I really could use some words of comfort from more seasoned DMs

12 notes · View notes

camrynsthoughts · 10 months

Text

snippet: basically a whole lot of daddy issues.

If myself as a child knew the people who were no longer in her life anymore, she’d have a lot of questions. I came across a photo of me from a family vacation last night. It was dated December 24th, 2008. I was eight years old and I was surrounded by my family; My mom, dad, aunt, cousin, grandma and grandpa. I remember so vividly all of my family sitting in the living room area of the resort condo that Christmas Eve. We had that small Charlie Brown Christmas tree instead of a big, traditional tree that year. I was so excited to wake up the next morning, open presents, and be surrounded by those that I loved. If only eight year old Camryn knew..

If eight year old Camryn knew that majority of those people were strangers to her now, I don’t even want to know what she would think. I probably would’ve acted un-phased because, well, that’s what I ended up doing once each person left my life one by one. I acted like I could care less. But growing up, that was far from the truth.

If eight year old Camryn knew her whole life was going to flip upside down just a year after that vacation, she would be semi shocked. I mean, her dad has left before. So it wouldn’t be totally shocking. But he always ended up coming back home, eventually. If eight year old Camryn knew the last time he left he’d never be back, I wonder if she would’ve answered his calls. I can’t help but wonder if things would’ve went differently between my dad and I’s relationship. If eight year old Camryn knew that those following years when ten and eleven years old that she’d be dodging her dad’s phone calls to speak to her, she wouldn’t understand why. What she wouldn’t know is he was going to leave without saying a single word. And it remained that way for a whole year.

If eight year old Camryn knew she was going to go from being “daddy’s girl” to only having her mom in the picture as her caretaker, she’d probably feel weird... It’s sad because before the age of eight, I have no core memories with my mom. I really was conjoined at the hip with my dad. I could list several core childhood memories with my dad still to this day, but absolutely none with my mom. I hope that eight year old Camryn had core memories with her mom as well, and not just her dad. I hope growing up has just made me forget those core memories with her and that I only remember the ones with my dad because he isn’t here anymore..

If eight year old Camryn knew that the last time she saw her dad was that next year, right before Christmas, she wouldn’t understand what exactly changed in that year span. How could that happen when we were all together as a family, happily enjoying the holiday together? What I didn’t know is that behind the scenes, there were problems that I’d never understand until I was older. It wasn’t just, “Dad needed to go to Canada to deal with family issues,” it was, “Dad has a drug problem and spent all of our household money on his sick, life-destroying addiction.” Eight year old Camryn didn’t know what addiction was. And I’m happy she didn’t, just yet.

Years passed and eventually, he wasn’t a being anymore in Camryn’s child brain. Years without communication does that to a person, and the rest is history. At least I thought.

If nineteen year old Camryn knew she was going to get the most life shattering news of her life, I wonder if she would want to go back in time to make nine year old Camryn answer those phone calls. “I’m sorry to hear what happened by the way Camryn,” said my uncle to me after not seeing him for years and years. “What do you mean?” She was so confused. What could this man be even trying to reference? I mean, my uncle was around when my father left a decade ago. This wasn’t new information to him. He repeats again, “I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your dad.” There I was standing at the top of the staircase, staring down at him and my grandma side by side looking up at me. I was so lost. “What happened..?” I asked, confused as can be. “I’m sorry to hear that he passed away.” My heart dropped out of my body. I remember nineteen year old Camryn, standing at the top of that staircase, absolutely speechless trying to stutter out a word. My grandma realized I was stunned, fuck, my whole body probably went pale in that moment. “I'm sorry Cam I though you knew.. Didn’t you know?” she asked, looking up at me with this blank stare in her eyes, barely any sorrow or feelings showing on her face. I stormed into my room and absolutely lost it. I was shaking, sobbing, absolutely speechless. I finally got a hold of my mom since she was at work when this all went down. “Camryn, he didn’t die. If he did, I’d sure hope we’d know and at least have some money coming our way from that fucker.”

If ten year old Camryn knew that one day she’d be told her father passed away a decade later after still not speaking a single word to each other, I think she would’ve sucked it up and answered his phone calls. She would’ve opened her heart and realized, this man wasn’t a stranger. He might've been then, but he wasn't before. She would’ve given him a second chance. That news, which was fake, rocked nineteen year old Camryn to her core and ten year old Camryn would've done anything to resist situation that from ever happening.

Me, twenty two Camryn, still battles with these thoughts. She goes on with her life, pretending she never had a father because I mean fuck, it’s been fourteen years. At some point you just get so used to not having someone in your life that it’s better to continue without ever letting them back in. But sometimes she remembers that moment when she was nineteen, standing at the top at that staircase. She remembers how much of a mess she was, yet she can’t even put her finger on how exactly she felt still to this day. I mean, she was devastated but she still can’t figure out why exactly. You’re the one who didn’t let him back in. You’re the one that refused to speak to him when he called. You’re the one that’d ignore his letters and his messages over Facebook. So how dare you be upset when told he died? Wasn’t he already dead to you?

Was he already dead to me? Eighteen year old Camryn would’ve answered yes. Twenty two year Camryn wants to still answer yes, but I really don’t think that is true. How would I have felt if that news was true? How would this change my life going forward if it actually did happen and he wasn’t alive to this day? I’d feel regret. I know I would. And I think that’s the best way I can explain how I felt in that moment staring down and my uncle and grandma relaying this unexpected “news” to me.

I should’ve answered those calls. If I were to call him now, would he answer me? Or should I expect to be treated the way that I treated him and our now nonexistent relationship the last fourteen years? And more importantly, can I somehow find it in my heart to reach out first, before one day it may be too late? Eight year old Camryn would know this answer best, and I wish I had her help right now. She’d do a lot differently; If only she knew.

3 notes · View notes

the-city-kitty · 1 year

Text

Nobody Invited You- Chapter 2 snippet

So as life is wont to do, things are still crazy as hell, as a matter of fact I'm sick right now. So the full chapter is still gonna be delayed for a bit, but instead of having nothing I at least wanna post a little sneak peek at chapter 2. This will probably look different in the final version after it goes through a couple rounds of editing but for now this is a little bit of what I have so far of the chapter.

Leo leaned his head back as the carriage pulled away from the wreckage of their home. He kept his eyes on it for as long as he could until the muted colors of the underground sailed past his window in a blur. Father sat across from him, equally as tired as Leo. It was one of the rare occasions that he removed his helmet and armor. His curly hair was held back in a long, thick, braid.

Rather than sitting on Father's shoulders, Huginn and Munnin were by Leo. Munnin was curled up in Leo's lap like a cat while Huginn was cuddled up to Leo's side. Leo couldn't help petting and kneading his fingers into Munnin's downy fur. It was an old, childish habit he hadn't really broken yet. But after everything he was too tired to feel particularly embarassed about it right now.

The first half hour of the trip passed in silence. No one really had anything meaningful to say, least of all Leo. He more or less slipped into a light doze. It was more sleep than he'd gotten in the last few days.

But now he has time to think. Now that they aren't picking through the wreckage of their home and boxing up whatever was salvageable; now that he isn't cutting his hands on broken frames of family photos and now that they're not being pestered by nosy inquisitors, he has time to think about everything his father told him.

He has brothers. On an intellectual level, he has always known that. His father told him of the circumstances of his creation after all. It's just that he always assumed they were dead. Finding out they are alive this way... ice dripped down his spine.

"I'm just as surprised as you are," Father said. "They appeared so suddenly, with a human at their side, no less."

And isn't that just an insult to injury? A human in his home. And she took his sword. Who gave her the right-?

"They were determined to rescue the agent and stop any further experiments."

"But why? They've been gone all this time, what could they possibly have to do with any of this? To do with us?" Leo asked. Father was silent for a moment.

"My son... in all honesty, I don't think they truly understood the consequences of their actions."

"It's like December came early," Father says, suddenly breaking the silence. Leo takes a second to process that, he's still a bit sleepy.

"Pardon?" he asks.

"We always go to the old Manor in December anyway, so just think of it like December came early." Father shrugs. Oh. He's trying to cheer Leo up.

"Fath-" Leo sighs, "Dad, how can you be so flippant about this? You told me how hard it was to rebuild after the first fire."

"I was younger then, more inexperienced and easily overwhelmed when things didn't go my way. I've learned from my mistakes since then. Rebuilding will go much faster this time around. You'll see. We'll be back home in just a few months."

Leo took a few breaths until the building heat behind his eyes was thoroughly subdued.

"It won't be the same though, will it?" They had lost things. More than his father losing his test subjects and materials and data, those could be recovered with some hard work and dedication. But that was their home. More than just the building they spent most of the year in. More than just the building he grew up in.

It was in his home that he was actually his father's son, not an orphan that the Baron adopted and invested as his heir. It was in his home he could make stupid puns and jokes with Huginn and Munnin and not worry about being the most charming conversationalist in the room. In his home he could just be Leo, not The Honorable Leonardo. His home was the one place that was real. That was safe.

And now, without ever even laying eyes on each other, his so-called "brothers" had come along and burnt everything he's ever known to the ground without remorse. Even once his house was rebuilt, now that he knows that they're just out there and might just reappear out of thin air? How is he ever supposed to sleep in his own bed peacefully at night ever again?

#nobody invited you au #niy!leo #niy!draxum #regency inspired separated au #rottmnt fanfiction #rottmnt fanfic #fic snippet #fic sneak peek #katnip writes #katnip talks #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles

2 notes · View notes

mel-the-pirate-writeblr · 1 year

Text

The Night We Met (Isles of Ysamaldri)

This short is inspired by the song of the same name by Lord Huron.

Isles of Ysamaldri Masterlist

This is a piece of an original fantasy story that I’ve had kicking around for a good seven years now. Specifically, this short focuses on the relationship between two significant characters, Maple and Cedric (who I also wrote a bit about for one of the December whump events). I was listening to the song “The Night We Met,” both a female cover and the original, and I couldn’t get these two out of my head with how wistful it makes me feel, and how their lives (and relationship) had changed drastically, as they wish to go back to a Before.

This isn’t necessarily in any place in the story relative to the other short things I’ve posted here.

Story short (899 words) under the cut!

Cedric couldn't sleep – it was the full moon, and the thoughts of his past surfaced. Usually, these thoughts weren't pleasant, surrounding the few months he had spent as a test subject to improve the Queen's personal guard and royal warriors, in that lab. While his last memories of being a highly-ranked Shal'jí went sour rapidly, it didn't start out that way.

Like his time as one of the Mion Isle queen's most loyal warriors, his last few months knowing Maple – a fellow Shal'jí – hadn't been a pleasant time. But it didn't start out that way, did it? The night we met, we knew – we knew.

Like many others before and after him, Cedric had been given into the service of the Queen of Mion Isle, Queen Tahl’drí. Those given into the service of the queen as future royal warriors usually came at young ages, between their first or second year of life. This was due to a family hoping to improve their favor with the queen, or give the child a better life than they could give them themselves. It was an honorable role to have, and a vital part of their society.

Each child grew up and learned within Mion's palace, taken care of by other, older Shal'jí when they outgrew specialized caretakers. It created a community of siblings, a family. Everyone grew up with each other.

Everyone, except for Maple. She wasn't a normal Cí’mehia.

Like everyone else, Cedric had had a family, and a family name, and, like every other Shal'jí, he shed it once he got adopted into his new life.

Except for Maple, who never had either in the first place.

One fateful day, when Cedric was five years old, one of the Shal'jí brought a strange child to Cedric's year-group. They said she was a Cí’mehia, but anyone who saw her didn't see the familiar blonde/black hair, or the small cheetah ears, tail, nor the emerald green eyes that all Cí’mehia shared. This Cí’mehia resembled a domestic cat fitted onto a humanoid frame. She had pale ginger fur that covered her, in contrast to the mostly-human-passing Cí’mehia children, and pale green feline eyes. Her ears had the same proportions as a housecat, instead of the smaller ear proportions that the Cí’mehia children had.

The newcomer looked eager yet nervous at the same time, meeting the other children whose curiosity beckoned them forward toward her.

Cedric was one such child. And, that night, he met his best friend in all the Isles.

If only we could go back, and do it again, Cedric thought. I'd refuse Tahl’drí's request to be part of the Cerine tests.

But he knew that wouldn't help. He'd otherwise have been complicit in whoever became the first Cerine, and their imprisonment in the lab. And who knows what else since then. Who knows how they might have – or might not have – held up.

🙞 🙟 🙝 🙜

Maple only dreamed of her childhood once in a while, and even then, most of the dreams came from her time in the lab. I had spent so many years in the lab. But this memory wasn't from that cold place – this was the day she met her siblings. It was the day that she had finally had the family she was promised.

She hadn't expected them to all look... the same, though. None of them looked like her. They all looked the same as the scientists and lab technicians she had known all of her life.

The other children surrounded her, the curiosity burning in her eyes and in all of theirs. Clamouring voices pressed in, and so did their hands, but the older Shal'jí didn't let her retreat. They were a comforting presence behind her, as if to back her up.

Then she met Cedric, and Chetchri.

Maple had only just begun understanding that no one would ever look like her, and that mattered to a lot of the Shal'jí she shared a year-group with, and the ones younger, but of the couple who didn't, she held on to them with a vice-like grip. They didn't call her a lab-cat, or deny that she was a Cí’mehia, like them. They called her a friend.

As time passed, she and Cedric became closer, and Chetchri took an interest with working in the lab under the Mion Palace. Things changed for the busier, but largely stayed the same. Maple and Cedric often guarded the Queen together, and were regarded as some of her most skilled and trusted Shal'jí. And they trusted the Queen.

But not anymore.

Chetchri was part of Cedric's guard, when he was down in the labs. She brought Maple updates on him when she couldn't bare to go down there herself, which was most of the time. Maple had only gone down there a handful of times in the few months he had been down there, and one such time was as he escaped.

I wanted to go with you.

He ran, and she couldn't do anything – she couldn't raise the alarm, but she couldn't help him, either. He ran, oblivious to her presence, and she watched in the silence.

Part of me is happy for your escape from the Isle. Part of me pities you.

Part of me hates you for leaving me without a word.

#isles of ysamaldri #snippet #maple and cedric #maple oc #cedric oc #chetchri oc #the night we met #ioy #mel-the-pirate post #third person

2 notes · View notes

beyondxmeasure · 1 year

Text

2022: A Year In Review

Thanks for tagging me @larrysballetslippers @thinlinez @brightgolden @kingsofeverything and @larrieblr

I know this has been going around a lot and most people have done it already so I’m not going to tag anyone but if you see this and want to have a go at it please consider yourself tagged! Id love to see what goals you have for the year.

✨ Let Your Heart Be Light 59K WIP | Teen+ | Harry/Louis Louis Tomlinson, a self-proclaimed holiday-hater, loses his job two weeks before Christmas. Broke and desperate to see his family back home in England, he takes the only job left at the mall as one of Santa’s helpers. Harry is an unconventional mall Santa, the youngest one they’ve had in years, but with as much holiday spirit as any other seasoned Saint Nick. He’s determined to un-Grinch the new guy in Santa’s Village if it takes until Christmas, then he finds out the devastating reason Louis has lost his Christmas cheer. Will Harry be just the thing Louis needs to help him get his sparkle back?

Featuring Liam as the manager at Santa's Village, Niall as an easy-going Irish elf and Harry's best friend, grumpy Grinch Louis, his best friend Zayn and one matchmaking Mrs. Claus.

A 2022 Advent Fic

✨ Lazy Days and Pancakes For Two 4K | Teen+ | Harry/Louis They haven't seen each other in eighteen days. What better way to spend a much-needed tour break than having a lazy day watching shit TV and having breakfast in bed with your husband.

✨ I Gave Up Hope and Found You Instead 14K | Teen+ | Harry/Louis The entire village warned him not to go. It was an odd-numbered day, after all. Still, the peculiar boy from Eroda set sail and, without knowing it, headed straight into the OFMD universe. While being held captive aboard the pirate ship Revenge, the boy meets a fisherman named Louis.

Tasked by the captain to teach the reluctant boy to fish, Louis struggles to hide his frustration and hold his tongue. As difficult as it is to deal with this clumsy stranger, the skilled fisherman had worse assignments and more unpleasant partners, but none of them with a smile as bright as this peculiar boy had. A moment of unexpected distress catches them off guard, and both soon find out it’s much easier to catch feelings than fish.

OR: Where the Adore You music video ends and the Our Flag Means Death story begins.

✨ I Was Born Like This, Don't Even Gotta Try 2K | E | Harry/Louis Louis and Harry return home after a long day of promo events and cocktail parties. They’re both exhausted, but that doesn’t stop Louis from keeping a promise he made to Harry in the limo earlier that night.

A certain geometric Gucci suit might have played a part in helping Louis’ keep that promise.

Thank you to everyone who's read my writing, shared my fic posts, left kudos or comments. All of your interaction has meant so much! -xx 💙 Cy

2022: A Year In Review (My Annual Writing Self-Evaluation) ...below the cut...

Number of stories posted this year: 4

Word count posted this year: 78,815

Stories with the most… Kudos: I Was Born Like This, Don’t Even Gotta Try

Comment Threads: Let Your Heart Be Light

Bookmarks: Let Your Heart Be Light

Work you are most proud of (and why): Let Your Heart Be Light Because other than the time spent outlining, this fic was started and finished in two months (except for the last 3 chapters, still to come). That’s the fastest I’ve written/edited/posted anything. I’m proud of my ability to let go of my perfectionist tendencies, that usually keep me editing and polishing a fic long after it is written. Due to the nature of the posting schedule (advent fic- 1 chapter a day for December) I didn’t have that luxury. I am still just as proud, if not more so, of this writing in general without having the time to dote over it as much. I also dealt with some heavier topics and am so happy with how it came out. It’s sentimental and sad at times, while still being light and fun. I did exactly what I set out to do and am very proud of the result.

Work you are least proud of (and why): I Gave Up Hope Because I had so many ideas for how I wanted this to go, and in the end, I ran out of time to make it what I wanted it to be. While I love this fic and am still very proud of it for so many reasons… the crossover element, writing something out of my comfort zone (fantasy/pirate fic), to name a couple, I feel like I missed the mark of what I set out to do. But there’s always room to add to it.

A favorite excerpt of your writing: Taken from chapter four of Let Your Heart Be Light

Harry eases back into his chair and waits patiently for Ginny to start again. She goes to fetch a vintage-looking suitcase with a large red bow on it that sits beneath the tree they just decorated that afternoon. Harry had urged her to give it time, allowing her space to grieve, not wanting her to push herself too much. She insisted, saying that’s what he would’ve wanted, determined not to turn Paul’s favorite time of the year into a time for pity and sorrow. The twinkling lights and the smell of fresh pine throughout the parlor made it feel like he wasn’t that far away.

Ginny pushes the cards off to the side and places the weathered case in front of Harry.

“What’s this?” He wonders, running his hands over the distressed leather bindings and tarnished brass buckles.

“It’s for you, darling. Open it.” Ginny cups Harry’s cheek, caressing gently with her thumb, eyes shining with unshed tears as she nods, encouraging him with a tender smile. “Go ahead, dear.”

Ginny sits down cautiously, waiting with bated breath for Harry to flip the buckles open to reveal what’s inside. Harry takes a deep breath, hands shaky with anticipation. He has a pretty good idea of what's inside, and he’s not sure he can keep his composure if he’s right. Slowly, he unlatches first the left then the right side, flick… flick… The hinges creak as he opens it with care. Layers of deep red velvet trimmed with snow white fur lay neatly folded inside, all wrapped with a black leather belt and matching boots adorned with shiny gold buckles.

Harry feels his eyes flood with tears as he lets out a shaky breath. “Ginny, no. I can’t—You can’t give this away. Paul wouldn’t—”

It’s Ginny’s reassuring hand over Harry’s now. “I’m not giving it away, sweetheart. I’m passing it down. Paul asked me to. He wanted you to have it.”

“What?” Harry utters in disbelief. “Why me?”

“It’s your turn, now.”

“What? No! I couldn’t. I don’t even know how—”

“You have the heart for it, dear, and Christmas spirit in abundance. That’s all that really matters.”

“But it’s too soon. For you, I mean, like, we couldn’t—oh my god. Ginny? Do you mean? You want me to—”

She nods enthusiastically, tears falling from her eyes just as much as Harry. “I said yes to him, of course, right away, but buried the thought of it. Because, well, you know—I just couldn’t imagine even thinking of going through with it this year. But the more I think about it, I think the only way I could go through with it again, is if I do it with you. I can’t even think about playing Mrs. Claus to some complete stranger. It just wouldn’t feel right. But you. You, my dear, would be perfect.”

“Are you serious?”

“Absolutely!” Ginny holds out her arms, inviting Harry into her warm embrace. “I couldn’t imagine anyone else filling my Paul’s boots better than you.”

Harry turns the boots over to find the number ten embossed on the bottom of the arch. “They’re my size,” he declares with a smile and a dry laugh, wiping his eyes, still in shock as he looks over the contents of the suitcase in awe. “I guess maybe I could fill Paul’s boots, couldn’t I?”

“You sure can, my dear. Go, try it on!” A glint of delight flashes in her eyes and, with her approval, Harry is up in a flash, eager to get into the legendary red suit. “Oh, here, look at this.” Ginny lifts the jacket, pulling back the inside lapel to reveal a monogram with the letters PA hand sewn inside a red heart border. “See, now he’ll always be with you. Never forgotten.”

Share or describe a favorite review you received: @berzerkshires left the following comment on Let Your Heart Be Light

I have finally got a chance to catch up. And my heavens! The emotions of this story! So wonderfully capturing the ups and downs of the holiday season through all your characters. So heartbreaking and hopeful all at once. So intriguing and festive all together. You’ve got me hanging on the edge of my seat for the true Christmas spirit.

Such kind words… but I’ve also gotten so many other wonderful comments from people who’ve had similar experiences with grief and loss and how my fic helped get them through a difficult time. That, to me, is the ultimate compliment. To be the light in someone’s otherwise dark day is a lovely thing and exactly why I wrote this story.

A time when writing was really, really hard: Completing my Eroda Fic Fest fic was pretty tough. I had a lot of writer’s block and got stuck so many times I really thought I would not complete it on time. Also, the end of this year was tough. I let the year get away from me and while I had it completely outlined for months; I didn’t start writing my Advent fic until November. It became a scramble to complete it on time to be ready for December 1st, which didn’t happen. I could only get about half of the chapters written ahead, and the rest had to be written on the fly the day before or day-of posting. Adding to that, the emotional toll of my grandmother losing her battle with Alzheimer’s. All that being said, I am incredibly proud of myself for pushing through. While I still have the last three chapters to post, I wrote and posted 60K words in less than two months, and it’s some of my favorite work I’ve written thus far.

How did you grow as a writer this year?: While I didn’t post as much on Ao3 as in previous years or that I might have set out to do, I wrote quite a lot. I completed 4 fics but also made a lot of genuine progress with a few WIPs that were holdouts from last year. I also listened to myself a lot more—only writing when I really wanted to, not over-committing to too many fic fests or holding myself to unreachable expectations. I enjoyed writing a lot more without all the pressure I usually put on myself. I don't know if I'd call this growth, but I hit a pretty cool milestone... Twisted Fate reached 500 kudos! ❤️ That's a first for me. I'm still shocked at how popular that one is.

How do you hope to grow next year?: I'd like to step out of my comfort zone and try podficcing. I’ve been tossing around the idea to turn a fic or two of mine into one. So we shall see. Otherwise I have small goals… complete the WIPs I've been dragging my feet on, stay consistent with my writing and get better at interacting with my mutuals/responding to tags, etc...

Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year?: Yes! A lot of my real life made its way into Let Your Heart Be Light. A reimagining of a friend’s home break-in became a major plot point in the story. I also used my Nana as an inspiration for the characters of Ginny and Louis Nan. A few of my own memories from Christmases past made their way into the fic as well.

Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?: I don’t have much wisdom to impart but from my experience this past year of slowing down and just writing at my own pace more I would say forget about the pressure from outside sources, or even your own self-imposed pressures and just write… for the fun of it, for the escape, for the release… whatever. Just write. Don’t let anything hold you back. Whether you think you’re not good enough, experienced enough, fast enough, insert ___ enough. You improve the more you do it. Step out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself… but always write for yourself first, not for other readers, deadlines or anything else. If you’re writing something you enjoy, others will enjoy it too and if they don’t, then fuck ‘em.

Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year?: I’m dying to finish (fxckn finally!) the second part to my Arcades & Lemonade fic… follow up to I Know You Rider. It’s been in the works for far too long, was supposed to be my Big Bang fic last year, but it keeps getting pushed to the back burner for various reasons. Also, my bootcamp/fitness instructor Harry fic--- Also been a drawn out WIP for some time. A Twisted Fate epilogue and few others. I’ve also got my outline started for my 2023 advent fic, but first things first, I need to finish the last three chapters for this year’s advent fic. That should keep me busy enough, but I’m sure I will come up with some other new ideas that will derail me along the way, per usual! LOL. The rest of my goals for 2023 are here...

#2022 year in review #my year in writing #2022 writing evaluation #self evaluation #2022 recap #tag games #long post #cyantific writes

2 notes · View notes

pipermca · 1 year

Text

Writing Year in Review - 2022

On the one hand, I really like doing "year in review" posts and musings. It gives you a chance to look back on what you've accomplished, and lets you prepare yourself for what you want to do in the year head. On the other hand, if your accomplishments didn't measure up to whatever yardstick you're using, it can be a disappointing and demoralizing experience.

This year was, in my opinion, a rather lackluster year for writing for me. It's definitely not for a lack of ideas or interest – if anything, my WIP folder and ideas list are filled with all sorts of stories that I really want to finish. What has been lacking is the time, energy and motivation to apply butt to seat and get some writing done.

That's not the only thing I "failed" at – I came nowhere near my reading goal of 24 books. But there was a book I finished in the summer that had bogged me down for years and I was determined to finish it, which I did! And I'm working my way through The Expanse series by checking the books out of the library. (I'm about 75% done with the series!) I think I'll be scaling my reading goal back to 12 books again this year, so that I can feel pleased when I blow past it. 😅

However, I am trying to be kind to myself, as there were a lot of competing priorities and distractions. I struggled with anxiety of a whole variety of things. I buried myself in video games (specifically grabbing some titles recommended by others), and the new WoW expansion came out in November which has sucked up a lot of my time in December. And since the pandemic is over now (huge, massive /sarcasm tag on that) we spent time travelling: first heading west to see Spouse's family, and then driving east to visit my family.

This summer I got to hug my parents for the first time in three years.

Anyway, with all that happening, I am happy with what I did get done. December was a complete bust (see previous bit about WoW: Dragonflight coming out) in that I only wrote 735 words, but I also worked on the photocomic I posted in December.

In 2022 I posted 10 works to AO3, for a total of 47,609 words. A lot of that was either zine pieces that I could finally publish, or comic scripts. I also wrote 84,544 words. A chunk of that was for the IDW2 worldbuilding reviews (which I really have to get back to), and for a WIP that I haven't started posting yet.

Most months I didn't hit that 10,000 word threshold I have for myself, but that's ok. For the most part I was still writing consistently, even if the output wasn't quite as high as I would have liked. Looking at my writing tracker, you can also see the slow trend downwards in word count per week... Not great, but understandable.

When I did get some writing done, my words per hour were still rather consistent. Last year I averaged 500-600wph, while this year it's more like 600-800wph. Not bad! I just need to carve out more time to do that writing in my day. 💗

And speaking of making time to write, here's another graph where you can see the slow erosion of the time I spent writing. There was a big burst in September (as I think that's when my muse really wanted to work on that smutty story with Prowl) but otherwise I've been spending less and less time writing as the year went on.

As for the concrete goals I set for myself in 2022, I didn't do terribly. I originally posted these in order of priority.

Finish Must Like Cats Yes! Done!

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Haha no, but still working on it

Apply for two zines (if something catches my eye) Mmm, I applied for one*. So, 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice I wrote one, so again, 50%.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Nope.

Start By Fire and Flame (working title) Hahhaa no.

*No word on if this zine is getting off the ground, and I'm not holding my breath at this point.

In coming up with priorities for this year, I want to make sure they're obtainable, and focused on getting stuff done. (sigh) So here's this year's list:

Finish Sun and Moon (working title)

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!)

Write two comic scripts for practice

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter

Also, one of my "maintenance" goals is to repost the stories I pulled down. I have a couple of story compilations, and the fact that they're in compilations have caused me some issues (for example, it's difficult to link to a specific chapter in some cases, and I can't include a single chapter in a series.) So I'm going to be revising and reposting those stories in 2023.

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted, and the month it was posted in. I hope everyone has a lovely 2023.

January. Armed. We're in a medical bay. (This is a comic script; you can view the comic here.)

March. Must Like Cats. Sideswipe woke slowly, rising out of recharge one system at a time.

April. Private Parts. A heavy arm fell across Blast Off's shoulders.

May. An Interview with the Award-Winning Engraving Artist Sunstreaker of Kaon. At first glance, the studio looks empty, almost abandoned.

June. The Wild Hunt. Hot Rod couldn't remember when he'd first heard about the Wild Hunt.

July. Time Together. Emperor Starscream watched as Skywarp bounced on the tips of his pedes, his wings flicking with every bounce.

August. Quiet Now. Hound felt like the unluckiest bot in the galaxy.

October. How the Praxians Lost Their Wings. "Kup, tell Dinobots a story."

November. VIP. "In conclusion, this operation should result in an estimated 63% reduction in the Decepticons' offensive ability, and provide us with an additional two months in which we can work with our human allies to fortify our defenses."

December. Mission Creep. Jazz is driving in alt mode. (Another comic script; you can view the comic here.

#progress report #year in review #on writing

2 notes · View notes

callistawolf · 1 year

Text

Thoughts for a New Year

Personally, 2022 wasn’t that bad. Not that great, of course, but really... not that bad. I listened to a lot of Taylor Swift. A lot. I watched a lot of tv, a lot of movies. Not a lot of reality tv because I got tired of it. We went on a family vacation. We planned another for 2023. I went on a girl’s trip with my favorite ladies to Lake Tahoe and had the time of my life. So yeah. Pretty good.

I also spent a lot of time scrolling TikTok. I probably spend more time there than I do on any social media platform. But I don’t like to make videos because... well, I have issues with videos and photos of myself. It’s the same reason I’ve never spent a lot of time on Instagram.

I pulled away from Twitter little by little all year long but in November, I more or less pulled the plug. And yes, for the same reason everyone else who left did it. It wasn’t a big loss for me at the time though, so maybe that’s just a sign it was past time. I put my account on private and deleted the app on my phone. I will still pop in to check on DMs from time to time or to search up specific news but scrolling my timeline the way I used to? Nah. Nothing really there for me anymore.

No judgement to anyone who has stuck around there, of course. We all doing different things and that’s makes us all so diverse and interesting.

I have started spending more time here on Tumblr though. That’s been a lot like coming home. Tumblr has always felt a bit like a warm hug. My dash looks a lot different from how it was years ago but there’s a lot of things that are very familiar too. I love the change. I embrace it.

About 24 hours (more or less) separated the top picture and this one here. Shortly after the top picture it started raining and then it didn’t stop until about 9 am this morning when it turned to snow. And now it hasn’t stopped doing THAT since. So that’s on late December/early January in Northern Nevada.

This is as much snow as we’ve seen since we moved to this house. At our old house this would be downright normal but that was because we lived at the junction of all the weird and/or crappy weather in the area. Now? We live in a dell. Or at least that’s what we call it. A little fertile crescent tucked into the eastern side of the valley and protected from a lot of the more severe weather while collecting all the runoff and growing the best trees. It’s not a bad trade off.

Today, however. SNOW.

I’m not mad about it. Anyhow. Where was I? Ah yes. So 2022 is ending and 2023 is about to darken our doors. What will the new year bring? For starters, a new refrigerator. Which I’m unreasonably excited about. We’re also going to need to buy a new patio cover because the rickety old one that came with the house when we bought it COLLAPSED today under the weight of snow. I’d also like us to get a new fireplace because, shock of all shocks, we didn’t replace the old one when it busted early last spring and winter without a fireplace is a little less wonderful, I’m finding.

2023 is also going to bring me MORE Taylor Swift. Yes, I got Eras tickets. I’m going, y’all. And I can’t think about it too much or else I start getting really excited. I got some really good tickets. You’ll see. I’m over the MOON.

Most of all, what I want from 2023 is peace. I would love a largely quiet year where not much anything happens. Wouldn’t that be a nice change of pace? I think we deserve it after the last few years. Fingers crossed, right?

Happy New Year, everyone. Much love.

#it's me hi i wrote this post its me #2022 #2023 #Happy New Year

6 notes · View notes

blahandwhatever · 4 months

Text

Most of my time since Christmas has been split between work and sleep and chilling, glad to have the big hurdle behind me, enjoying my own cozy-at-home version of the holidays. Played my new game. Finished decorating my tree a little too late, but good enough to enjoy for at least a few weeks. Didn't have as much of a mess to deal with at home as I had the past two years, maybe because there wasn't as much of a focus on shopping - for gifts, outfits, and home stuff - to derail my regular chores (which, to be fair, I've also gotten a bit better at).

Did some fussing over money and expenses, tired of being strained there. Got my first paycheck from my new job, but it was very small. The next one will also be smaller than I hoped due to things slowing down over the holidays. With other jobs also slowing down this month - and studies too - there was barely any improvement.

I got some cash for Christmas, finally learned I could actually get that into my online bank account by doing a PayPal cash deposit at a store like Walgreens and then transferring that to my bank, did that, and used the money toward rent and groceries.

Got a belated gift card from a job and used it to stock up on a few cosmetics I'd run out of, leaving me with more of the 'oh, this decidedly does do something for my skin' experiences that it's easy to forget after doing the same routine for years. I've seen a fair amount of the 'skincare is a scam' sort of sentiment lately, and I'm sorry, but no (at least not all of it).

Tomorrow I have a phone call (with an agency?) about a higher-paying job (hopefully that actual job and not just their jobs in general?), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I've applied for jobs very, very little lately.

Once again, I failed to go to Chicago in December. I really wanted to but really didn't feel like it anytime in the past week and also really needed the $10-$15 I would've had to use for parking (not to mention gas). Oh well - I'll probably go in January, and it should still be good.

The Nielsen Neuro labs in Chicago have shut down, so that era is over.

This weekend I relaxed and cleared various things away - clothes piles, mail piles, post-it note piles, dead leaves/flowers on the balcony I should've swept in the fall - to start the new year on the right foot.

My mother called, asked if I had plans for today, said she had the day off. I'd never been interested in visiting again a week after the holidays, but at least she didn't suggest a sleepover this time, and, given how she can't spend the day with my father now, I agreed to go for dinner. It wasn't a particularly friendly invitation, and she spent most of the phone call complaining about my brother, who had had a surgical procedure and hadn't planned or communicated things as she thought he should have. I listened mostly patiently but felt tired of this.

Today I woke up very tired, though I thought I'd slept enough. Might have been recuperating from my period. Managed to get going and get there at a reasonable time. The forecast had predicted a sunny day, but it was just another gray one. Much as I sometimes bemoaned my inability to get out before dark in previous years, winter with neither sun nor snow isn't usually much of a sight to behold in the daylight.

We had dinner, which was okay for a while. My father was home and came down to exchange Happy-New-Years. I had sent him a text earlier, and he'd texted back. Had hoped not to see him. He asked if I'd heard from my brother, who was staying with friends. I said we'd exchanged Happy New Years. He said, somewhat petulantly, that my brother hadn't texted him. I clarified that I'd texted him first. He walked back upstairs bitching about my brother being a spoiled brat who didn't know he was supposed to text his parents. It was an attitude I'd dealt with myself too many times, spending most of my life tiptoeing around this man's ego, temper, and toxic family rule minefield. But in some ways, at least as a parent, he'd become better in recent years, so this was somewhat unexpected. I sat there still and silent for a while, too full to keep eating, thinking about how much I hated my father.

Soon enough, the conversation with my mother dried up, and she said, somewhat petulantly, that if I didn't have anything to talk to her about, she was going to go watch her TV show. Went upstairs and left me alone in the kitchen with my coffee and pie.

I felt a little guilty but also tired of being made to feel guilty all my life for not having enough to say. By someone who, for her part, cannot learn to ever enjoy a loved one's company in silence, and rarely takes me up on offers to do things besides just sitting and talking.

She returned after a while, and I questioned her attitude, and she once again acted like the victim. Said nobody cares about her or thinks about her feelings, among other things. Said she didn't like feeling like my spending time with her was forced. Said maybe we needed space from each other like I'd sometimes asked for myself. I just felt so tired and done.

I bothered responding only a little, and then I got going. I cried a little in the car. Back home, I texted my father about his earlier commentary on my brother. Reminded him, again, to stop taking out his childhood neglect and trauma on the wrong people. I hope he doesn't respond. Aside from Christmas, we haven't really talked since things between him and my mother were more dramatic.

Didn't manage to get anything else done that I was supposed to today - too tired and out of it. I'll do my real end-of-year reflections another day.

Whenever I see a 'What do you want to leave behind in [insert year]' type of thing, the #1 answer is always my family's bullshit. I know that will never completely end, and I'll never actually want to cut them off completely. But I am forever seeking an ever more lasting state of psychological immunity, of being above it all, along with occasional nips in the buds of some of the toxicity. History is the evolution of the consciousness of freedom (from your parents, in many cases).

0 notes

returntosaturn271995 · 4 months

Text

December 20th-25th: Holiday Roundup

This year is a definite improvement over last year. For one thing I'm not crying over a break-up and a lost job. Lately, things have just had a lot of potential, and thanks to a well-placed Botox needle and my commitment to sunscreen and hydration: I have aged backward (I'm sure).

Reading: Finally finished "Shrines of Gaiety" - very Peaky Blinders with a dash of Agatha Christie and at 450 pages, not a small feat. I love ambiguous endings, happy or unhappy. I will definitely read more Kate Atkinson. I'm in the middle of "You Are More than You Think You Are" (daily meditations, meant to be consumed slowly), "Sapiens" (600 pages on all of human history, casual), and was gifted two more Samantha Irby essay collections from Zach and Natalie for Christmas. In order to hit my 50 book goal next year, I've got to get 5 down in January.

Writing: Before I'm out of this year, I am transferring all the written quotes from my well-worn journal into three places. The jokes are going into my tight ten, the stories are all getting dumped into a narrative doc, maybe even a Google Drive for organization, and my daily inspirational quotes I'll crib for the next notebook. Maybe I'll even write some of them hear and rank how great of advice I think it is in hindsight/how I can improve upon it. Also I have very much enjoyed how good I've been about Journaling this year, starting in March it got really consistent and that's where the progress got better too. That's the thing about journals: they have the side effect of turning your life into a narrative (even if it's a boring one) and then you can start to find a way to root for the main character. God forbid, you could even learn to improve her behavior (except for all the dirty stuff because let's face it, that's fun).

Cooking: Ugh. This one is brutal. I'm trying to order less takeout and it's like taking a banana away from a gorilla. Except I'm the gorilla and the banana taker. My likely insane goal is to not order takeout for the rest of the year, but how about we (me and the voices in my head) allow me to order it on the 27th? One more time for the day I'm least likely to have groceries/the will to grocery shop.

But also really Erin? You can't make it 9 days without ordering food.

...

I don't know. We'll have to see.

For the family's '70s-themed Christmas party, I made Dad's green bean casserole with potato chips as breadcrumbs. This was actually an unnaturally impressive feat as our kitchen was filled with people, dishes, incorrect ingredients (used buckwheat flour in a pinch) and the burners and oven were temperamental at best.

Political Awareness: Donald Trump is just fully quoting Hitler now. Abortion rights and regulations are cruel (and bigger in texas).

Loving Relationships: Mom and I spent a day together shopping at Stanford for Dad's present (a space-themed lego set because he is a child at heart). Dad and I watched Love Actually with George (giant German shepherd, settled between us as a very unlikely lap dog). We spent Christmas Eve at Barb and Jack's who are basically the godparents I never had. Lauren and Eric came over with Rosie who is just now starting to walk and talk and IS in fact the love of my life. Ash and Zach braved a visit from their Dad and Zach, Natalie, and I shared a joint on the porch. Got a Schitt's Creek Monopoly game and Chanel Perfume from the White Elephant and Dad respectively. Lots of family love. Lots of Mess.

Saw Nathan (from the Southwest flight) in Palo Alto and we ended up driving back to SF together and making out all night. His new place is gorgeous and weird like most San Francisco apartments. There's even a little rabbit in a hutch outside.

Getting Outside: Stanford is beautiful, Half Moon Bay is gorgeous, and I love the look of the Redwood trees. My goal is to go on a hike before I leave...but I leave in 2 days so that goal may have to take a backseat to me sitting and watching old seasons of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Dressing with Style: I rocked the '70s theme with high tops, acid-wash jeans, and a loud Apres Ski-style sweatshirt. There was also a delightfully tacky tree headband that lit up. Lauren also gave me a ton of her old clothes because the woman has a shopping addiction. Not that I'm complaining- I'm currently organizing and tallying everything. I'm going to have to ship some of this stuff separately.

Cleaning/Organization: This place is a zoo, but I've managed to keep my private space as neat as possible. Even making my bed even though the bed keeps changing because it's chaotic here. I've also managed to get mass amounts of laundry done and a set of dishes in the kitchen. Also in January, I'm going to have cleaners come in for the kitchen and bathroom (and maybe my room while they're there.) Organized spaces = organized mental states.

Yoga: My yoga has been on and off, but stretching is key. Even if it's only 10-15 minutes at a time. Even if it's only 3 minutes. My mat isn't here with me but I can groan over my hamstrings on the carpet- I assume. Haven't actually done it since I got on the plane.

Cardio: I walked barefoot on the treadmill to Christmas music for a mile and it was weirdly life-affirming. Any walk is a walk. And I also downloaded an app called TreeCard that plants a tree for every 10,000 steps you take. I'm currently at two tress because mama loves a walk. Also got reunited with my running shoes I left here last month and plan to purchase another pair in the new year.

Meditation: Kept up with it 5/7 days this week which isn't as amazing as I have been doing, but it's always a great reminder to drop vertically in the moment instead of constantly reaching for a distraction as a form of release. Meditation is healing and important. It stretches time.

Comedy: While I haven't really written any new stuff, I've definitely enjoyed watching a ton of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and general funny shit. I need to find a different angle in to incorporating it in to my routine.

Sleep/Hydration: I'm actually so impressed with how my sleep sorted itself out naturally with the new job/and how much tea throughout the day helps me feel physically and emotionally lighter.

Job: Looks like I'm getting a raise mothahfuckahs!

Good shit is coming. I am so so so so lucky.

0 notes