#sorry but there’s no redemption in my eyes and although there are a few exceptions it isn’t enough to change my mind | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

undiscovered-horizon · 2 years

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Imagine reuniting with your high school sweetheart, Shaun, in a very unexpected way: fighting each other in an underground ring in Macau. - Part 2

(Part 1)

The locker room was as usual: not empty but its temporary occupants had no care for others around them. The smell was an odd mix of sweat and mold, although such fragrance wasn't out of place. Just very suffocating.

When Shang-Chi and Katy entered the locker room, you tossed a fresh towel to the man and asked whether he was alright. True, you did "play-fight" but in the spur of the moment, he could've gotten hurt.

"You're a total badass, (Y/N), I'm a fan," Katy began. "But I'm kinda wondering how you ended up in Macau from Europe."

"Yeah, about that..." you scratched your neck awkwardly. "It wasn't a complete lie," you said. "But I do realize that doesn't fix much."

Shang-Chi and Katy were standing in front of you, clearly awaiting not just an explanation but a full story, step-by-step on what happened. You could tell by their faces they were hurt and, honestly, had every right to be. With each second of silence, you felt worse: the person they had been friends with, and Shang-Chi used to date, was completely fabricated. Neither of them really knew you. You sighed and decided to take that leap of faith: faith that they conclude you're eligible for redemption.

"My parents deal illegal firearms," you stated, watching their faces. Both of them seemed surprised and shocked. Partially because it's not something you hear every day and partially because the daughter of international criminals probably taking Interpol's #1 spot didn't quite fit you, both appearance- and character-wise. "Some bad blood wouldn't dry up and they decided to move. I was in Europe for a few months before I took off on my own. Truthfully, it kinda had to do with you," you pointed in Shang-Chi's general direction. "We lived in Norway when your father came over to our house, trying to make a deal with my parents. He said he has a son around my age who lived in San Francisco. When it all clicked, I left Europe to find out more. Of course, I could have gone back to America and talked to you but after lying to your face, which I still can't forgive myself for, I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye and pretend as if nothing had happened."

A silence fell between the three of you. Feeling ashamed and guilty, you lowered your gaze, unable to look them in the eye. After a while, you could hear Shang-Chi and Katy quietly discussing something, which was followed by the woman speaking up:

"I'll leave you two to it. I'll be at the bar if you need something."

When Katy left, you realized the locker room was completely empty except for you and Shang-Chi. While you were sitting on a bench, he stood a few meters away from you, his eyes drilling into your silhouette. Your best guess was that he was about to lecture you, spill all the bad emotions that had been boiling inside him since you left. The silence between the two of you was getting more tense with each passing second. Both of you had so much to say but did not dare to throw the first stone as it was quite obvious that even the smallest pebble was bound to trigger an avalanche.

"I'm sorry, Shang-Chi," you said quietly, still not looking him in the eye.

"You could have told me."

"I know," you answered. "But I was afraid. It felt like I was walking on a tightrope, really. I was terrified that if I told you the truth, you would leave. I mean, we were kids, Shang-Chi. Kids don't befriend children of criminals," you said before adding quietly: "Kids don't date descendants of Interpol's podium."

"This kid would have," he said.

You lifted your head, looking at the man in surprise. Honestly, his reaction was what you hoped for but did not necessarily expect. Shang-Chi walked towards you, the used towel was thrown over his shoulder. His rough hand reached for yours. Although years had gone by, it felt so natural, for the two of you to hold each other's hands. Even though it felt quite different than when you were in high school: you were grown adults.

"Be honest with me," you began, unknowingly holding his hand tighter. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"I already did," he reassured you. "I'm happy to see you."

You let out a soft chuckle which earned a smile from Shang-Chi. The two of you might have grown up but still, deep down inside, you were still the same teenagers that made the stupidest bets when going to the arcade and exchange comic books that you would read in science class. Among the chaotic life that the two of you lived at the time, it felt good to have something stable, to have someone stable.

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lostinwildflowers · 3 years

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Ushijima Wakatoshi x Reader

Summary: Prince Ushijima can have anything he wants; the finest foods and drinks, butlers at every call, and beautiful princesses in a heartbeat. But somehow all he wants is you.

Word Count: 1.6K

Warnings: FLUFF<3

A/N: Hey y'all! Here is yet ANOTHER submission for The Royal Rodeo collab!! I hope my Ushiwaka simps out there appreciate this one :) -Birch<3

A prince can have whatever they want. They have wealth, servants, plentiful food, and many women at their disposal. This is true for Prince Ushijima Wakatoshi, the smart, well-loved, and quiet ruler of Shiratorizawa.

He was much nicer than his father had been, who had passed away only a few years ago, leaving his mother, the queen, to rule on her own. The brown-haired prince did his best to pick up the slack around the palace, and that’s one of the reasons why everyone loved him so much.

You were no different from everyone else, drawn in by his quiet humor and kind demeanor. You were one of his maids, who was efficient, patient, and always ready to help out wherever needed.

You knew that you were a good worker, you tried to be honest and precise in everything you did, but it was still a bit of a surprise to be assigned to Prince Ushijima to be his personal maid.

The thing with Prince Ushijima was that he never seemed to like any of the butlers he’d ever had. That was all except for his close friend, Tendou, but Ushijima preferred a maid, and that’s why you were to begin working under his watch.

Ushijima loved the way you worked silently, never forcing him to talk or even acting fake in front of him. You would clean his laundry, make his bed, and even tidy up his desk without a sigh or hum, you were just content to be working so close to someone who was so well-loved.

Although you did many menial and tedious cleaning tasks, you also did many other simple chores like grabbing him a glass of water before going into a meeting or warming up a cup of milk before bed.

Your favorite thing about working with Ushijima was the fact that he always thanked you after everything you did for him. He would thank you for straightening his tie, handing him a folder, and even wishing him well in an important meeting.

Ushijima was kind to you for a specific reason though, and he wanted to make sure that you had everything you needed to be under his service. He thought you could’ve been doing a lot better of things rather than serving him in the palace, so he liked to keep an eye on you.

Over the shared months of soft and kind gestures, Ushijima begins to open up to you with small conversations. It was when you were grabbing him his suit for the day, or he would ask you small things like what your favorite flavor of coffee is whenever you brought him his cup in the morning.

These small and sweet conversations escalated, and Ushijima found himself craving your presence like a sweet candy. He wanted nothing more than to hear you gush on about your favorite arts or the small bed of flowers you saw outside the castle that day.

That’s why he offers for you to accompany him on casual strolls throughout the palace. To everyone else, you were simply there to run off and grab something the second he asked for it, but for him, he enjoyed your talks and company, so no one suspected anything.

These casual strolls go on for a few months as summer drifts into winter, and the kingdom ices over. The two of you have both grown fond of each other in the quiet moments you steal away from everyone else, even though it was harder to get away with it being so frigid outside.

On this day in particular, the two of you managed to sneak away for a walk through the palace, down on the lower floors near the basement where you wouldn’t be bothered as much.

Your (colored) eyes scan the corridor in front of you as you walk slowly next to the crowned prince of Shiratorizawa. The two of you were quiet, the only sounds ringing out in the long hallway was that of footsteps and the rustling of your skirts with every step you took.

Hands pushing on your waist and the wall slamming into your back causes the air to get knocked out of your lungs in an instant, and your eyes struggle to focus on the face of Ushijima. His green eyes stare down at you with an unspoken intensity, but he breaks contact to glance over his shoulder.

Ushijima had pushed you into a small nook carved into the walls, a space that usually would store small things that would later be moved. He resumes looking at you and his features soften a little as he murmurs, “I’m sorry for being so rough with you, I didn’t mean to be.”

Your hands are splayed out against the marbled wall behind you and your mouth is slightly parted open as you try to catch your breath. Your brain can barely register Ushijima’s proximity, let alone the feeling of his hands on your sides.

You end up just giving him a simple nod, and when you go to ask him what he was doing, he beats you to it. “I like you, my dear Y/n. I am very eager for our walks and am always wishing for time to move faster so I can be with you. I was wondering if you felt the same way.”

Wide (colored) eyes blink up at him, and your mouth gapes open and closed a few times before you clear your throat and whisper, “Yes.”

You shake your head at your simple response and stutter out, “W-what I mean to say is that I’ve liked you for a while now too, I just didn’t think you would ever feel the same way about me.”

Ushijima hums at your confirmation, and he leans closer to you, his green eyes had grown dark from being in the small nook in the wall. His hips press flush up against your own, pinning you down with his superior body weight.

Your breath hitches in your throat as his nose brushes against your own and he whispers against your lips, “I suppose you won’t mind if I do this then?”

At that, Ushijima leans down to close the gap between the two of you, tenderly pressing his lips to your own before allowing his mouth to move against yours. Your hands move away from the wall to slide up and onto his chest, allowing them to rest on his shoulders as he kisses you.

Ushijima moves his hands from your waist, letting one push up against the wall behind you to brace his body, and then the other gently guides your chin upwards, repeatedly allowing himself to kiss you as much as he likes.

Footsteps sound out from down the hallway, but Ushijima doesn’t pull away from you. In fact, he pushes you deeper into the nook with two large steps, completely caging you in. He continues to kiss you though, his hand moving from your chin the whole way down to your waist.

As greedy as his kiss is, Ushijima is nothing but respectful in the way he holds you. His grip is firm but warm, and you can’t help but melt in his touch as sparks seem to fly around you.

Ushijima’s hands grow slightly rougher when you gasp into his mouth, and the footsteps are right outside of the nook at this point. You take the hint at needing to be quieter, so you link your arms around his neck, and hold yourself closer to him while playing with the hair at the base of his neck.

The footsteps fade away after a minute or two, and Ushijima slowly pulls away from you. Both of your chests are heaving as he rests his forehead against your own, his eyes half-lidded as he looks down at you.

Your eyes are dopey and hazed over, a faraway look residing in them while your lips are bruised and pink from the vigor of his kiss. Ushijima moves his hand from the wall to brush a strand of hair out of your eyes with a kind smile.

He lets his hand linger on the side of your head before he murmurs lowly, “I would like to court you, my dear. In private, of course. I would never want to subject you to the monstrosity that is the royal family.”

Your eyes flutter closed for a second as you regain your breath but then you sigh out quietly, “I’m no princess, Ushijima. I’m not suitable for someone of your status, we shouldn’t even be here right-” “I want you.”

His words are blunt, and when you regain eye contact with him, you can’t see any hints of a lie or any sliver of dishonesty in him. Ushijima shuffles on his feet for a second before continuing, “You’re the one that I want. You make me feel like no one else ever has. You give me butterflies, you make me nervous, you made me fall in love with you.”

Ushijima glances down toward his feet and mutters, “Look, I know this is a peculiar situation, but I want nothing more than to be with you.” At the end of his words, he resumes eye contact with you, and you can see a soft blush painting his cheeks at the honesty of his confession.

You feel your heart swell at his words and you just nod in response before rushing out, “Okay, but-” You are quite rudely interrupted as Ushijima pushes you into another kiss, as your affirmation was enough for him.

No one questioned it when the two of you both appeared later that evening, slightly disheveled as you moved your separate ways. You might not have been a princess, but you were suitable enough for him.

Tag list: @xxdragonwriterxx @tejxswini @mysterystarz @mortedeveles @vs-redemption @kal0psi-a @gin-no-g @starstruckkittensweets @kitacharm @babieweeb @shirari @animated-moon @mitzwinchester @kitsune-in-a-flowercrown @elitparadox @yumeyooa

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firelxdykatara · 3 years

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hm, while im still here and thinking about it

i’ve seen a lot of posts comparing rayaari to catradora, mostly positively but some also using the similarities to call rayaari an abusive/toxic ship, and i feel like a lot of people are missing key differences. and for me, as someone who was not completely satisfied with s5 of spop and never liked or shipped catradora for a lot of reasons, but who deeply enjoys and ships rayaari, there’s something very key that raya does right which i believe spop did wrong with respect to rayaari and catradora.

and it has everything to do with their history.

before adora left the horde, she had a history of physical and emotional abuse--primarily by shadow weaver, yes, but also by catra. we get a lot of memories from their past, and their relationship involved a very toxic codependency with a heavy dose of abuse--adora trying to protect catra but, when she failed, catra lashing out at her, verbally and physically (that scene where young!catra slashed across young!adora’s face w her claws left my stomache in knots for hours). they were set against each other by shadow weaver in a very classic scapegoat vs the golden child dichotomy, but that doesn’t erase the harm catra did long before adora left the horde.

(in many ways, their relationship was very like zuko and azula’s, although their roles in their primary caretaker’s eyes are reversed, with adora being most like zuko if zuko had been the golden child, and catra being similar to azula if she’d been the scapegoat instead. adora being the ‘preferred child’ in shadow weaver’s eyes doesn’t make her any less SW’s victim, and it didn’t do anything to protect her from catra when she lashed out as a result of SW’s abuse. in fact, i’d argue that it made her even more vulnerable, and we see in the show that she winds up blaming herself for not being able to save catra when they were children--even though that very much was not her job--and this is never properly addressed by the narrative. at least, not to my satisfaction. obviously, mileage on that particular score may vary.)

when you combine their history along with every awful thing catra did in the show proper, adora coming to realize she was in love with catra the whole time and not requiring (nevermind receiving) any kind of actual apology for that abuse or for, yknow, trying to destroy the world multiple times, it winds up leaving a very sour taste in my mouth. it doesn’t help that catra kept digging herself deeper and deeper for the entirety of the first four seasons, despite multiple chances to change and begin to make amends for her behavior (and lord knows i’m not trying to say a redemption arc should be linear, but you have to make progress in order to regress, and catra never got that far), which left the entirety of her redemption arc to fight for space in the final season with an entire galactic war.

except that it didn’t even really do that. catra saved glimmer at the eleventh hour (and that was a sacrifice, i won’t deny it) and then got brainwashed, and... that was it. she was ‘accepted’ by the group almost immediately, and all she had to do was stop being grouchy at them for saving her life.

did she ever actually apologize for anything she needed to apologize for, by the way? i genuinely can’t remember. i know she said she was ‘working on’ her anger and apologized for that but like, babe, there’s four seasons worth of shit and eighteen years before that which you really need to unpack before you should be telling adora you’re in love with her and starting a relationship. i’m just saying.

and all of this is without talking about the fact that, especially in regards to relationship development and plot pace, you will tend to expect more out of a television show compared with a movie. i’m a lot more ok with namaari’s redemption being a little rushed and coming down to a few of her own choices and the other characters choosing to forgive her in a less than 2 hour movie than i am with a television show that takes place over 5 seasons with 4 sets of 12 episodes. even cartoon length (roughly 22 minutes an episode when you exclude the credits). that’s a few hours shy of 20 hours worth of material. they had a lot to do, sure, but they also had a lot of room to do it in, and it was a deliberate choice not to start catra’s redemption even a season earlier--which, again given what it had to compete with in the last season, was ultimately to the show’s detriment imo.

so...........that was a very long tangent, and i’m sorry, i just have a lot of residual feelings of dissatisfaction about spop and catradora which i still needed to let out and this was a convenient post for it. but my ultimate point is, by comparison, rayaari is a much less toxic dynamic.

namaari betrays raya’s trust in the beginning, sure, and there are hints that they probably had a lot of run-ins during the six year timeskip given their familiarity, but in all that time they were enemies. that’s why enemies-to-lovers usually doesn’t involve outright abuse, unless there’s another facet to the relationship (ie catradora’s relationship pre-series)--because two people on opposite sides of a violent conflict being violent towards one another does not equal abuse.

and yeah, namaari betrays raya’s attempt at trust again--or seems to, resulting in the cliffside scuffle leading into the movie’s climax--but she also comes back of her own volition. she returns with her shard of the dragon gem, helping raya and her friends fend off the druun, when she could have run and attempted to save herself. that, i believe, is what ultimately prompts raya to trust her one last time. i believe that namaari believes she was about to put down her crossbow and never intended to actually shoot sisu--the horror on her face when the dragon falls to her death is proof enough of that, as is her final desire to just... give up and let raya take her revenge--and she proved that to raya by coming back and risking her life to help them in that final battle.

of course they probably have a lot to talk about and namaari has a lot to apologize for, but i can forgive a two hour movie for leaving that to the viewer’s imagination (especially when there is no expectation of a romantic relationship between the characters in canon--it’s catradora being canon which makes all the rest of it land so poorly for me) than i can an 18 hour television series.

again, opinions may differ on this score, and that’s fine. i just wanted to share my own thoughts.

#raya and the last dragon #rayaari #raya #namaari #disney raya #spop #catradora salt #only sort of but just in case

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walker-journal · 3 years

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Seeking Sanctuary (Bex + Adam)

Participants: Bexley Ochsenstein (Spellcaster by Envy), Adam Walker (Hunter by Tapir)

Context: Two very unlike people encounter each other at the temple, and voice mutual doubts in a discussion about the nature of faith and identity.

Content Warnings: Religious Idealization, Discussions of Sexism and Transphobia (civil discussion), Mentions of post-traumatic stress and military conflict

Faith for Adam was a complicated subject. You’d think that knowing for certain that demons, life after death, magic, and souls existing would make faith easy. Adam technically knew the answers to alot of questions your average believer struggled with. There was no dread mystique to supernatural evil when your parents had taught you which tentaclely organs the laser beams came from. But that was exactly the problem.

Adam had grown up with Hell and all your worst nightmares simply being objective fact, an everyday reality that needed to be fought with tactics, technology, and sacrifice.

But although Adam was well acquainted with the forces of darkness, the supposed other side of the equation was very noticeably absent. Where was the Light in all of this?

Being a practical dude, Adam would’ve normally just dismissed tangential stuff that didn’t help you in the trenches, as Dad had...except...Adam had also warded off plenty of spooks with sacred symbols and watched with his own eyes as holy water burned undead killing machines to sterile dust.

What was the creator smoking? Fuck if Adam knew.

Adam turned his gaze from absently contemplating The Ark whose displayed scriptural scrolls dominated the front of the synagogue. There weren’t alot of people here today, but Adam found a familiar face in the pews nonetheless.

“How goes it Odelia?”

Prayer was something Bexley had never really gotten the hang of. She knew all the prayers to recite during Yom Kippur and Passover. She had memorized the passages for her bat mitzvah, and she had memorized enough to get through Temple. But when it came to personal prayer, when it came to sitting in Temple alone and staring up at the alter and around the pews, Bexley had no idea what to do. She hadn’t figured it out in her twenty years of life, the disconnect from her faith a struggle. It was something her parents had noticed, but never pointed out, because Bexley tried-- oh did she try-- to connect with the world the way she knew they wanted her to. And it wasn’t that she didn’t want to or couldn’t, but, rather, that she felt so outside of it.

She was not born in the right body. Though the Torah made no mentions of people like her, the bittersweetness of it still tunneled her vision of it. How was she supposed to connect with something that wanted to pretend she didn’t exist?

But she wasn’t here today about that part of her. She was here today about the part of her that kept exploding things. Breaking them. Nell’s pot still sat heavy on her mind. It was a ridiculous thing to be kneeling in a pew about, but here she was. She wanted whatever it was to stop. She wanted to have some sort of control over it. She was practically begging for the help when a voice cut through her mind.

“Adam?” She turned to look over at him, startled slightly. “I-- sorry. What’re you doing here? N-not that you can’t be here! I just...you don’t really seem the type to just...come to temple... “

Adam was generally inclined to agree with that assessment. Between dating a woman who had a Beanie Baby collection of demons and committing more degrees of murder than existed in any legal code, the Hunter was pretty sure Bex was being overgenerous with his being allowed in here.

“Last night’s DIE party was the kind you need to get sanctified after,” Adam asserted as he plopped down unceremoniously in the pew in front of Bex. “You should come sometime.” he wheedled playfully. “Make sure you have plenty to repent for on Saturday.”

But after a moment Adam paused, the mischief of flirting with a lawyer-dude’s girlfriend fading. Dark brown eyes looked over Bex again, this time without lewdness or jest.

“How’re you holding up Bex,” Adam asked quietly with more intentionality than the previous address.

As Bex looked at Adam, she tried to pinpoint exactly what it was that Nell saw in him. Maybe it was something she couldn’t see, because all she saw was a rather lewd frat boy, who sometimes had that far away sad look in his eyes. Maybe that was really just the persona he wanted others to see-- Bex could relate to that. The happy, chipper girl she pretended to be in public for her parents wasn’t who she was at all, and her being here right now sort of proved that. She had to look away from him, furrowing her brow and smoothing her palms down the front of her dress. She always tried to look nice when coming to Temple.

“I don’t think those kinds of parties are really my style,” she answered quietly. Took a moment to look around to make sure there wasn’t anyone too familiar in here with them. But it was relatively empty today, with only a few people milling about and the Rabbi making rounds before disappearing back into his office. Her eyes settled back on Adam and he had that sad look again. He even used her right name.

“I’m fine,” she said curtly, “just...getting used to being back in White Crest. Kind of a whole different world out there than it is here, you know?” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “What’s the real reason you’re here, Adam? Repentance also doesn’t seem up your alley.”

While Adam had been trained to deceive and achieve invisibility by fulfilling others assumptions, he wasn’t so far gone that Bex’s directness couldn’t still get a rise from him. Adam blinked and his face became briefly uncertain, as if the Hunter had flubbed a line in a script and broken character in front of an audience of one. “I’ve gotten in over my head,” the murderer admitted after a time.

“I’ve been trying to just tough it out,” the Hunter continued, referring to the abuse and torments of a demonic cult in the tone someone else might’ve used for minor health difficulties. “But I’ve running on fumes for so long now that like...eventually you’ve got nothing left. No more second winds, no just pushing on through,” the athlete explained.

“I’ve never like been close to really hitting that wall one other time before,” admitted Adam in memory of when his power and faith had shattered on Lyssa’s peak. “I’m uh, not liking my chances here.”

Adam encompassed the synagogue’s interior with a vague sweeping gesture that implied that perhaps the soldier wasn’t so much seeking redemption as reaching anything to keep from plummeting off a cliff.

“Do you prefer the world out there Bex?”

Bex looked at Adam and listened to his words. Whatever he was going through, it seemed rough on him, like it was wearing him down. Sands blasting down his walls and carving them away, smoothing them away. Eventually, they would become nothing. Just like hers. She felt a pull at her heart and she had to look away to not totally give up her shiny exterior. Cleared her throat and rubbed her eyes.

“Don’t you have like, people to help you?” she asked. “You know you don’t have to go it alone. That’s sorta the point of community.” She gestured to the area around them. There were so many other people he could’ve gone to bother, why did he have to choose her? Still, a sense of curiosity pulled at her. And empathy. She knew what it felt like to be at the end of your rope. Her hands wrung together.

“What, um-- what happened? If you don’t mind me asking. Are you okay?” Was he dying? Did Nell know? She paused at his question. “I...prefer the world that I know I can interact with. It’s easy to...pretend to be something there.”

“There is someone helping me”, Adam admitted, “and I’m thankful I’ve got her help on this, but uh... “ The Hunter ran a hand across the back of his neck. “That’s kinna the problem y’know? Worried I’m just going to drag her down with me.”

Bex seemed to genuinely inquire about his welfare, which was kinna touching. As always, Adam had to weigh the difference between the necessary lies and giving the other people enough of the truth as he could. “There is a group in town that I think are into some really dangerous stuff,” was definitely a criminal level of understatement. “But I need evidence and to catch them in the act to make a citizen’s arrest,” Adam concluded. It was technically a lie, but as closest to the spirit of the truth as he could manage without going straight into Twilight Zone territory.

It was dangerous to say out loud. But as much as Adam hated to admit it, against an adversary like Ma’al these hallowed walls were probably studier than any military bunker.

“Why do you wanna pretend Bex? What makes this place hard to interact with,” Adam asked slowly, kinna intuiting what she might mean in his gut, but not wanting to jump to conclusions here.

“Is it Nell?” Bex asked, blurting the words before she could stop them. She paused, recoiled and bit the inside of her cheek. “Sorry. Not to sound weird, but I met Nell on campus and then we got talking and she sort of told me about you guys.” She burned to ask Adam if he knew that his girlfriend claimed to be a witch, and wondered what his faith-- their faith-- would have to say about that. She wondered a lot of things about Adam, actually, and Nell was one of those things.

“I think...if she didn’t want to be helping, she would say so. I think worrying about that is pointless.” Not that Bex knew Nell super well, but from what she’d seen of her, Nell didn’t seem the sort to do something out of obligation. She shifted, and leaned back.

“Whatever you’re up to, it sounds illegal and dangerous, and I’m studying law, so maybe don’t tell me what you’re doing,” she pointed out quietly, giving another wary glance around. She scratched her knees awkwardly.

“That’s...complicated, I guess,” she mumbled, furrowing her brows. “I want to pretend because...maybe one day I can’t stop pretending and it’ll be real. I know this might seem strange, Adam, but the world isn’t kind to people like me. Out there, in here--” she gestured around them, “it’s all kind of the same.”

“Oh,” Adam mouthed, feeling like a dumbass. Adam was typically immune to embarrassment or society anxiety, one of those side benefits of being conditioned to ignore fear and pain that might trouble therapists. Normally Adam would only grin and make lewd implications at the prospect of women talking in private about him. It’d never bothered him before, but for some reason the thought of Nell specifically doing so brought on a precarious uncertainty. “Yeah you’re right, I know you're right,” Adam repeated, “but still…” Knowing something doesn’t mean it can’t fuck you head anyway.

“Don’t you think we need to do illegal and dangerous stuff sometimes?” pointed out the vigilante.

Adam watched Bex’s face as she explained, his expression softened by a touch of awkward compassion but not comprehension. “Look I uh...can’t pretend to know what it's like,” he admitted. “This world is pretty dickish to women and I’m definitely not innocent of that, but there’s gotta be somewhere, or somebody, that can feel like a safe place y’know?”

“But still...what?” Bex prodded. She didn’t mean to pry, but she was curious by nature. And she began to develop a sort of friendship with Nell, so concern wrought itself through her face as she watched Adam. He always seemed so typical, but for some reason, up close like this with him, he seemed somewhat...different. There was something mysterious about him, about the way he talked. The things he hinted at. The casualness of his attitude, and the ruffling of his brow at the mention of Nell. Bex looked back down.

“No, I don’t,” Bex said, repeating the mantra in her head that her parents always told her. Be good, be polite, be strong. She tried her best to follow those, but she didn’t get them all the time. “My family is pretty strict about that stuff.”

She couldn’t help but chuckle hollowly. “I was kinda hoping that’s what I’d find here,” she admitted quietly, “but no one ever answers me.”

Adam let out a long exhale between his lips as he tried to scrape together some words to describe a gut feeling. Visceral stuff didn’t tend to lend itself to explanation very well, but here goes: “I’ve mostly ever done casual relationships,” Adam began. “I can’t do halfway stuff like...I’m not wired that way,” admitted the young fanatic. “Either it’s just a fuck.” Adam put a hand on one side of the pew’s back. “Or you care enough about them to give up everything,” Adam’s hand shifted to the other side of pew, perhaps indicating that the Hunter’s conception of intimacy was either a roll in the sheets or devotion to the point of self-sacrifice.

“Nell and I are trying something new for both of us,” Adam posited,”I care about her, but also don’t want to go so all in we can’t find a way out,” the Hunter said, perhaps talking about two things at once. “But as I said, not so great at halfway.”

Bex’s desolate mirth at divine silence gave Adam pause. His dark brown eyes flicked up to the synagogue's arched ceiling, as if checking to see if any angels happened to be fluttering about the eves.

“When I was on tour in Saudi Arabia,” the young soldier began after a while, eyes still contemplating the interlacing triangle mosaics. “One of my squaddies was this dude named Hasan. I was a dumass...ok dumbasser.. teenager and didn’t know shit about Islam and my Arabic was terrible,” Adam continued. “But like, we were on patrol together alot so we talked about stuff. One day we were looking at this camp full of bodies all ripped apart and shit,” the Hunter continued with conversational casualness, neglecting to mention that he and Hasan were not patrolling the wastelands against their fellow men.

“Hasan prayed over them before we bared what was left and I asked him later how he could possibly feel close to God out here, with all the blood and fucking torn up meat all over the sand. I was kinna messed up and lost my cool,” the Hunter confessed numbly, as if assuming that Bex would rightly judge him for this unacceptable lapse of composure on the battlefield. “Hasan just said that even here, even in this, Allah is not absent, We are no farther from his presence, evil is just distracting us from it.”

Adam’s lips creased into a rueful smile, “we talked more after that, he told me about this sage Rabia who was like this zero-wave feminist who went into the desert to chill with God and do survivalism.” The Hunter’s tone indicated that he himself might have considered going full wilderness anarchist on multiple occasions. “She was super smart and kind to the people who went out there to learn from her, unless they were offering marriage in which case she told them to fuck off,”

Scholars might’ve contested this summary, but Adam had learned about Sufi mysticism from Hasan in between filling hordes of Alghouls full of silver buckshot, so perhaps parsimony was forgivable.

“Anyway, Rabia’s whole deal I guess was that she found that like..mosques, patriarchy, the state and all that shit pulled her farther away from God,” Adam continued in the manner of someone who’d emotionally connected with what his brother in arms had described, even if neither of the young warriors really had a handle on the deeper theology. “Love was where she felt God. Love for herself, love even for the sand and all the scorpions, the joy of just being alive.”

Adam’s eyes finally left the ceiling and found Bex’s face. The young man scratched his temple in a sudden fit of bashfulness in the wake of reminiscence. “Ok uh, I dunno where I was going with that but...I’m shit at this...but I guess uh.. like ...maybe a temple is wherever you feel closer to God, even if that's a desert or even just a state of mind.”

“I’m still trying to find my temple,” the fallen Hunter admitted.

As Adam talked, Bex listened. Really listened. She’d had no idea he was a soldier, or that he’d been on tour. She’d gone to Jerusalem once with her parents, and her mother had looked down at her and told her to be on her best behavior, because she was already wrong for being in the temple of their God. She remembered the harsh look her father had given her as they’d entered and she was wearing a dress and her favorite shoes and he’d scoffed. Maybe that was where her disconnect had spawned from.

Adam’s story broke her heart a little.

Bex couldn’t even imagine the pain of seeing so much carnage. Her sheltered life had let her grow up in relative peace. Death was not a part of her life. Shame was, though. Shame and guilt. She could relate to him on those things, even if it pained her to admit that.

“I’m sorry, Adam,” she finally said quietly, “that you went through all that.” She’d judged him preemptively, but he was perhaps suffering more than most anyone else in this Temple. “You know, for a frat guy, you’re pretty wise,” seh tacked on quietly with a tease. Perhaps now she could see why Nell liked him so much.

“I don’t know Nell that well yet, but it sounds like you really care about her. I definitely can’t give relationship advice, I’ve never even been in a real one--” she gave pause, stuttering over her words. Frank, her current “boyfriend” was a cover, and she’d just given that up, “--until now! But...what I’m trying to say is, I think it’s okay to not know. I think figuring it out together is kinda like...the point, you know? Of being with someone like that. Of trying new things.” Things she only wished she could try, could have. He was looking at her with those bashful, knowing eyes and she had to look away.

“This place scares me,” she admitted quietly, “White Crest.” She rubbed her arm, pulling into herself. “My parents always kept me so locked away, even when I lived here. And now I’ve been back for almost two months and already I feel like this place is trying to change me, take me away from the person I’m supposed to be.” She looked up at the ceiling, mirroring his movements from moments ago. “I guess I just wanted answers.” The ceiling told her nothing, and she looked down to meet his eyes again.

“You and me both, then,” she answered his last statement, the same sort of broken admittance ringing in her voice, “Guess we’ll just have to keep searching, huh?” Because there had to be something better than this, for both of them.

Adam stared at Bex for a moment at her condolence, stunned, as if genuinely not understanding why a story of battlefield carnage had elicited that reaction.

“Well uh,” a red blush crept up Adam’s neck as if Bex’s compassion had unmanned him more then any debauchery or public streaking ever had. “It’s not ...I didn’t mean it like..” the Hunter insisted as if associating the long war with suffering was something unthinkable. Perhaps it was even literally unthinkable, an emotional descent Adam didn’t think he could survive.

“It’s an honor to serve,” Adam insisted quietly. Even disgraced, powerless, and at the edge breaking, the Hunter couldn’t abandon what was killing him.

“You’re pretty understanding for a church girl,” Adam answered back to the praise he didn’t deserve, the crease at the edge of his soft smile hinting at a deeper more serious compliment underneath the playful plaudit.

If Adam intuited something off about how abruptly and awkwardly Frank entered and left the conversation, he kept his peace.

There were things Adam wished he could tell Bex about White Crest, about why her fears were valid and his gut feeling that this city was in a liminal space between Earth and the fathomless unknown. But preserving supernatural secrecy was one of the sacred charges his ancestors had passed down, and Adam couldn’t bring himself to break it even when it seemed they’d abandoned him.

Besides, Bex seemed worried about White Crest killing her spiritually, while Adam had his hands full trying to prevent much more literal death in vamp infested graveyards.

“Yeah guess so…” Adam stood as if he were about to go, but paused, mulling over Bex’s words again. Locked up? Take her away from who she was meant to be? Aw shit. Uneasy vibes compelled Adam to speak even when his brain warned he should stay the hell outta this. “Hey Bex, like if its ever too much,” he began slowly, “I know people you stay with. On the other side of the country, or the Holy Land even.” Mom never turned away guests in need...well, human ones.

“Sorry if that’s pushy,” Adam ameliorated, “and you can tell me to fuck off. But like...offer open.”

His embarrassment was almost immediate and Bex couldn’t help but roll her eyes a little. He might’ve had a seeming heart of gold, but he still tried to apply certain standards of masculinity to himself. She supposed some things would never really change. Still, it didn’t discredit anything else he’d said, or that he’d done. “Well I did,” she answered, “mean it like that.”

At that, Bex snorted. “Church girl?” she chuckled, shaking her head. “Seriously? That’s what you think of me? Geez, I kinda hate that. Maybe I was right before, pretending I could solve my problems myself instead of coming here.” She was mostly teasing, but there was some truth to it. She hadn’t entirely found her purpose or sense of self within her faith yet, even as hard as she’d tried to. She had books about Jewish spiritualism-- Kabbalah as it were-- but after her parents had found the first one, their anger had made her never want to open one again, despite her curiosity for them. Despite what little she had read about it giving her a connection she’d never felt before.

His offer, however, was sudden and abrupt and not at all what she’d expected him to say. She blinked, confused, before softening her expression and shaking her head. “That’s real sweet of you to offer, Adam, but I could never take you up on that.” Her parents would never allow it. They’d brought her back here specifically to keep her close, and she had a feeling she wasn’t going to be let out of their grasp for a long time now.

Her expression fell again, as he stood and started to make his way out. “You know, Adam,” she said, a bit quieter now, “you’re a good guy. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think maybe letting people see this side of you more often might be nice.” She gave a gentle smile. “I’ll see you around. Tell Nell hi for me.”

#seeking sanctury #para #ptsd tw #sexism tw #transphobia tw

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stina-is-a-punk-rocker · 3 years

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‘always and forever, lara jean’: a bungled mess of my thoughts while watching the movie

Alright, cards on the table: I never finished reading the book. I got bored a couple of pages in, so I just read up the summary on Wikipedia and called it a day.

Not gonna lie, I expected better from the movies. I loved the first movie; it was cute, it was fun, it hit all the right places. The second movie was… eh. Jordan Fisher is cute, so that’s a plus.

And then we got the third movie; the final in the To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before trilogy.

And it was somehow even worse.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Despite its shortcomings in the plot and character development-related departments (the fact that Lara Jean wrote addresses for letters she never meant to send is something that will bother me on my deathbed), the movies have their merits. They’re cutesy and charming and enjoyable, overall; movie-LJ is sweet and unashamedly a girly-girl, which is a refreshing change from the #NotLikeOtherGirls, pick-me girls and bruh girls we had in loads of other YA movies growing up. Peter’s pretty cute, too; he’s not a possessive freak like so many other love interests (The Kissing Booth, After, Anna and the French Kiss), and his and Lara Jean’s dynamic is cute, too. Not to mention- we finally have an Asian lead whose Asian-ness isn’t the whole focus of the story!

Again, maybe I’m being extra with all this. The series is, at its core, solely for entertainment purposes. Not every piece of media has to have an underlying message and you shouldn’t need to read between every goddamn line to find something worthy of enjoying. They’re certainly helpful for whiling away a couple of hours; perfect for bingeing with a pint of ice cream in hand, and all of this is in good fun.

Also, it goes without saying, but: spoilers ahead.

The film beings with Lara Jean scribbling a postcard to Peter while she’s in Korea with her family. The inclusion of that little snapshot of Asian culture made me so happy- seriously, fuck everyone who says diversity in media doesn’t matter. I’m not even Korean, and I was overjoyed at seeing a couple of scenes just from the same continent I’m on. The K-pop music in the background was a fun touch, too (although all Korean music isn’t K-pop, but that’s a rant for another day).

(Also: Blackpink has so many more suitable songs than Pretty Savage that go with the theme of the movies. Kill This Love in the second movie while Lara Jean is getting ready to go to her boyfriend’s match is bad enough- they’re supposed to be in love in that scene, goddammit.)

One thing that bothered me throughout the movies is how obviously non-Korean Lara Jean and Margot look. It’s like whoever chose the cast went for any random Asian- Lana’s Vietnamese and Janel Parrish is half-Chinese, and it’s so obvious. You seriously couldn’t find two Korean-Americans who even vaguely resembled each other so they could pass for sisters? The actresses do a stunning job and I don’t want to shit on them, but I just wish they didn’t go with the ‘all Asians look the same, what’s the difference?’ mindset.

Also, a nitpicky thing I’ve noticed in movies with characters who read a lot: no one holds their books up while they’re reading. Your arms start to cramp, which is why you keep your book in your lap while you’re reading, or you rest on your belly and hold the book in front of you. My spine and shoulders didn’t suffer years of torture as a chronic reader for you to include characters who hold their books up while reading.

A major gripe I have with Always and Forever, Lara Jean is how the characters are almost jarringly out of character- not from the books, but from the two previous movies, too. Lara Jean didn’t have much of a character to begin with, so I can’t say much about her (she dissed Oasis at one point; it’s okay for me to be mean to her), but the rest of them are either caricatures of themselves or just totally different people.

Movie Peter >>> Book Peter. He’s almost too perfect (except for the fact that he unironically loves The Fast and the Furious, which… ew), almost too much of the ideal boyfriend. Not that my perpetually single arse would know. How do boyfriends even work? I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with one; how often should you feed it? Do you need to take it on walks?

(In the notes I’ve written towards the end of the film, I’ve complained about Peter being immature and making Lara Jean feel bad about following her dream to go to NYU. He confuses me.)

Not to mention how distractingly adorable Noah Centineo is from some angles and under certain lighting conditions (other times, he reminds me of the human version of Shrek and that bothered me). King of weird Tweets and Instagram captions though he may be, he’s got a really nice smile, and his gravelly voice is both parts sexy and disturbing.

But I digress.

I’ll never forgive the directors for what they did to Kitty and Chris- two of my favorite characters, from both the books and the movies. Kitty’s annoying to the point of being borderline unlikeable- gone is the occasionally snarky comic relief we all came to love; in her place is an annoying brat whose every line comes out forced. Also, making soap is fun; fuck you, Kitty.

Chris is essentially Dixie D’Amelio’s character from that TikToker Grey’s Anatomy ripoff; the main character in One Direction fanfiction from 2012 who doesn’t want to go to the concert but her best friend gets a ticket for her so she can’t bail but Harry Styles sees her in the crowd and falls in love at first sight and 50k of mutual pining and misunderstandings late, they get together. She’s cynical and snarky and hates capitalism and consumerism and prom (because of course she does), but secretly, she’s into it (because of course she is). My guess is that she’s there to appease all the arseholes (including myself) who accused the characters of being too one-dimensional, but it seems too out of place in a movie that doesn’t have much plot to begin with.

I really, really hate how Lucas was done dirty- throughout every single movie. Of course, it’s Lara Jean’s story so not every side character has to be fully fleshed out- but you’d think three. entire. movies. would be enough to give Lucas a bigger role than the GBF and the token black guy for the diversity brownie points. Every single time Lucas shows up, it’s to push Lara Jean and Peter’s story forward. I would’ve liked to see a romance for him pushed forward instead one for Chris- especially because he says, at one point in a previous movie, that it’s hard to find other gay boys, so it would’ve been sweet to see him find love- and Chris’s character arc could’ve been focused on reconciling with Genevieve. Instead, we see the OG Reggie from Riverdale be the one to show Chris the bright side of monogamy, and Lucas gets a date to prom as an afterthought (another darkskin black dude, so no one thinks the film is racist).

Genevieve’s character in this movie gives me whiplash. Look, I’m all for girls supporting girls- healthy female relationships are something way too many YA movies lack- but she goes from bitch queen extraordinaire to friendly the moment the next scene calls for it. Her character isn’t consistent. A redemption arc should be executed cleanly and believably; you can’t have a character be a total prick one moment and then suddenly be, “Hey, if you get into NYU, let me know,” the next.

And Genevieve’s still an arsehole to Chris; at one point, in NYC, while they’re at the NYU campus grounds (I knew that Lara Jean was going to go to NYU the moment she saw all the banners; I fucking called it), Genevieve tells Chris, “University is for people who actually have a future,” and I recoiled. I’m not the nicest of people and yet that was going too far. Chris doesn’t hesitate to shoot back a, “You peaked in high school,”, but still. Y i k e s. You can’t convince me someone’s turned over a new leaf when they say something like that.

Lara Jean’s dad (forgot his name; gonna call him Dr. Covey) is as unremarkable as ever, and his new wife (forgot her name, too… Trisha? Trina? Eh, something like that) is… unsettling. I mean, I get that they’re all loved up and twitterpatted, but there’s something about all the smiling they’ve got going on that chills me to the bone.

Also, Trisha/Trina kinda looks like TikTok’s ThatVeganTeacher and it bothers me.

Another huge problem with this movie even being made is that the series never had enough plot to continue onto a trilogy. Lara Jean’s letters are what the plots of the first and second movies revolve around; the third only mentions them in passing. The final love letter from Peter was a cute callback, but there’s a massive continuity issue with the first two movies and this last one- both character and plot-wise.

Maybe I’m not articulating this clearly enough, so I’ll use an example: take Harry Potter, for example. Harry’s main goal throughout the series is defeating Voldemort. And it takes all seven books for him to get there, to finally achieve this.

Lara Jean’s goal in the first movie changes midway; from keeping up the façade with Peter so she can avoid the crap with the rest of the letters getting out, to making her fake relationship real. It forms a bridge with the second movie; the letter that went out to John Ambrose, and her dithering between Peter and perfection (I’m not sorry). But what does the third movie have to do with any of this?

There were way too many music montages. You couldn’t go five minutes without a random pop song playing in the background, and it was annoying as hell. Don’t Look Back in Anger was w a s t e d on this stupid film. The artsy scenery shots were even worse- no, I don’t give a fuck about the New York skyline or a bird’s eye view of whatever vehicle Lara Jean is in. A few shots of Seoul would’ve sufficed; the rest was overkill. This movie is way too damn long already (almost 2 entire hours!!!); cut out a couple of those. No one cares.

I thought they’d pull the whole Aladdin trope with character-A-keeps-trying-to-tell-character-B-the-truth-about-a-lie-B-believes-in-about-A-but-B-keeps-interrupting, but Lara Jean (typing her name out is annoying, why couldn’t she have a single name, like both of her sisters?) comes clean earlier than I expected. Peter’s reaction about LJ not getting into Stanford is… uncharacteristically mature? No “Why did you lie to me?”, no accusations, not an ounce of betrayal. Which I did not expect from a guy who’s a little bitch for the greater part of book one (I really don’t like Book Peter, in case you couldn’t tell). I know fuck-all about book three’s Peter, so I can’t tell if he really did adopt this mature, well-adjusted persona, or the movie did it to make Peter seem like less of a dick (like they did it with the sextape-that-wasn’t-a-sextape in the first installment).

On a sidenote, how do these main characters in YA books get into really good colleges with zero to no visible effort? These arseholes fuck around for the entirety of the story and have way too much going on to actually do schoolwork, but they waltz into Ivy Leagues at the end. And apparently, I’m not the only one bothered by this.

There’s something to be said about how the movies don’t really sexualize minors (characters who are minors, to be fair. None of the MCs look anything like teenagers), though. It’s almost weird to see them not getting drunk and partying and having sex all the time. Maybe that’s why Lara Jean trying to get her hand on Peter’s dick felt so stilted and awkward (I cringed so hard when she kept trying to touch him and he kept pushing her hand away, holy shit).

And the kissing. It’s to be expected from a romance film, but there was so. Much. Kissing.

The amount of product placements (… actually, I could count only two: Apple and a pair of Beats headphones Lara Jean puts on at one point, but the movie shoved so many iPhones in my face that I’m obligated to exaggerate) would’ve made anti-capitalist Chris mad.

I’m guessing this all takes place in a parallel universe, sans the coronavirus. Still, being in quarantine this past year and being socially awkward for every other one, it was agonizing seeing everyone so close together in NYC. When Peter kissed the ball (lol) (I have the sense of humor of a straight boy in middle school, don’t judge me) when him and Lara Jean go bowling, I had a visceral reaction. And what are the odds of Peter meeting his estranged dad at the very same bowling alley?

Speaking of Peter’s daddy issues (I’ve written “Hardin but diluted” in my notes; I watched this movie at, like, 1 AM; I’m not entirely sure what was going through my head at that point)- I hated how they guilt-tripped Peter into giving his father another chance. In the wise words of Hannah Montana, everybody makes mistakes- but leaving your wife and two kids for another woman is pretty far from a little oopsie on Mr. Kavinsky’s part. I don’t blame Peter for hating him, and I’m not in a place to judge whether Mr. Kavinsky (does he get a first name?) should be forgiven or not, but I feel like they let him off too easy and made Peter seem like a misunderstood teenager with anger issues for not accepting Mr. Kavinsky’s (crappy) apology at once.

And it adds nothing to the story at all; Mr. Kavinsky peaces out after having one (01) coffee with his firstborn, and he’s never seen again. If you’re going to introduce a subplot, make it tie into the main storyline- the very least you could do is make it an important enough part of the story to have more than 10 minutes of the run time. It makes no sense as to why they’d bring up Peter’s dad in this last film, when he’s already gone through two perfectly fine. I guess it was a ‘tying everything up’ part… even though no one cared.

Lara Jean’s handwriting is surprisingly ugly for someone who’s written that many love letters. And her styling took a definite nosedive; her outfits in the first movie were so effing cute, but now they’re just… meh.

There are so many conversations and lines that the writers must’ve thought sounded good enough for someone to type out the quote in curly font and slap it on a screenshot from the movie to post on Instagram, but when it comes to the actual delivery, they just sounded… weird.

Peter says one time near the beginning of the film, “You know what I’m looking forward to the most in college? Never having to say goodnight,” because he expects him and Lara Jean to get into the same college.

But I guess the word they should’ve used was ‘good-bye’, because this just makes him sound stupid.

At one point, Lara Jean asks Kitty how much Kitty’s gonna miss her when she goes off to college, and Kitty says, “A four.” Later on, she confesses, “I’m gonna miss you a twelve, Lara Jean,” and all I could think was, “But we’re endgame, Archie!”

(In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t let people know I’ve watched Riverdale; it lessons my credibility.)

Still, there remains some good to be found: all the baked goods looked very delicious and made me crave chocolate chip cookies. Peter wearing the socks Lara Jean gifted him at the beginning of the movie was a cute gesture, and Lara Jean giving Peter her teal hatbox? The one she kept her love letters in? Was so? Cute? Help?

And hey, it’s a cliché that’s been done to death, but I’m always a sucker for that part in movies where the girl walks down the stairs in a pretty dress with her hand on the banister and the boy turns around and his mouth falls open and all he can say is, “Wow,”- and this film did not disappoint! Not to mention how cute both Lara Jean’s and Chris’s prom dresses were.

Dr. Covey and Trisha/Trina’s wedding was cute, too- I struggled to decide whether Kitty wearing a necklace that says ‘feminist’ and a tux is a bit too on-the-nose, but I’ve decided that it’s nothing to get my knickers all in a twist about (for clarification: it’s not the necklace or the crossdressing that made me debate this; I just wish they didn’t make a big deal out of it- I wish they didn’t have Kitty and Lara Jean get into an argument about her not wearing a dress, if that makes sense?).

And the final letter- the one from Peter to Lara Jean- I ate that shit up; it was so, so, so cute.

In conclusion (why is it so easy for me to crank out 3k about my thoughts on a Netflix movie and yet when it comes to English Lit. at school, I’d stare at a blank sheet of foolscap for ages?), did I enjoy the movie? Not really. There were parts of it that I liked, but it was overall too boring and I kept wishing I’d watched the new SKZ Code episode instead every few minutes.

But that doesn’t mean that it was bad. I kinda feel a little sad, actually, now that Lara Jean and Peter’s story has come to a close; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, the first movie, is one of my favorites, and bitch though I might about them, the kinda grew on me… like an innocent plant, at first, but then like a fungus. Not a parasitic fungus, just not mutualistic, either… kind of like a commensal.

Maybe I should stop with the biology similes.

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exclipssesss · 4 years

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You're perfect, no matter what he says about you. [x reader]

Headcanons of all my current fav characters from different fandoms. This was supposed to be something just to emotionally heal me. So this does kinda based off real life experience, except the part where the bois comfort me, man why can't i buy these guys in ebay as my legal husbands?

Characters involved: Alastor [Hazbin Hotel], Lafayette [Hamilton The Musical].

Would probabpy make part two with other characters uwu

Warnings: Cursing, Physical abuse, Parental abuse, The mention of Anxiety.

Summary: S/o never had a great relationship with their dad, and after another fight (which ended horribly wrong) someone decided to comfort them.

Alastor.

Hazbin Hotel.

You were in the Hotel, coolio. Basically you were chilling on the couch when suddenly you fell asleep, and after a few hours passed you woke up to find yourself in your room with blankets covering you, you were confused on how you get there.

You then get out of bed and noticed charlie calling you, probably a new demon that wanna check into the hotel.

You saw a demon that is kind of similar to you but wAy more big and looked kind of scary, he was holding a cigarette. At first you shrugged it off since having the same form of a demon can both mean you guys have made the same sin, or you are related.

You didn't really mind it at first until you asked him to sign in to the hotel, and he looked at you as if you're stupid. He laughed that everyone draws their attention to the both of you, you laughed with him to avoid being awkward.

"You do realize that i am nowhere wanting to go to this stupid ass hotel right? Pathetic, demons wanting to do some redemption just to go to heaven? They can't even take their own consequences of being a dick. Yeah no bitch, i ain't going to this hotel, especially if it filled with pussies"

You stumbled back, he was similar to you but is nothing like you. Yes you swore, a lot, but not this harsh. He basically scowls at you and you just gave him a light glare back. He didn't seem to notice it tho.

Then, it snapped inside your head. No wonder his voice was so familiar. You looked at him and took the chance to find out, if it is true, then you're probably double dead. But you convince yourself that even if he tries to hurt you, you were at the hotel, someone is bound to help you.

"Um, oh, i forgot to introduce myself.. I'm [Y/n] [L/n], nice to meet you.. Sir.."

And you were right. His eyes was wide for a second before it was replaced with disgust, he yanked your hand and you almost lost your balance.

"Of-fucking-course you are. Now wonder your voice reminds me of some bitch. No surprise seeing you here in hell tho, you were always nothing but a disappointment. Even god thinks so."

You basically trembled as eyes were sticking on both you and your "father". He then let's go of you harshly and you stumbled back before falling, demons around weren't helping either. Although some of them gave you pitiful looks, so you decided that maybe they just too scared to interfere. I mean, you would too.

"See? Pathetic. Even as a demon you're trash, and now you're trying to do this whole hotel thing? HahaA--"

Something pulled your dad back, and he was met by a pair of a sickeningly dark pair of eyes that you've known too well.

"Excuse me sir, but I'm pretty sure that that kind of behaviour is not allowed here."

Your "father" was surprised to see Hell's one of the most powerful demons defending you, he almost gives out a somewhat proud smirk, only for it to turn into a scoff. Thankfully, he was decent enough not to mess with Alastor, as he immediately got out the doors and hopefully not coming back.

"My dearest, are you alright?" oh and he comforts you throughout the day too, he almost swears to kill your dad (if that's even possible) but you immediately told him not to.

Either way, he is precious and would do anything for you. Would recommend getting yourself an Alastor, 10/10.

Marquis de Lafayette.

Hamilton: an American musical.

Hamiltime.

(I'm changing the writing style just becuz I'm in the mood)

You just got back from a long day hanging out with the Schuyler Sisters, and also the boys of course. Funnily enough, you and Peggy get along really well, and for the boys? Lafayette's definitely your favorite. Actually he's more than just your 'favorite', you're not even sure yourself, you just felt safe and nice inside when you're around him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

A familiar deep voice that you've been scared for so long spoke up, you stopped dead on your tracks, trying to look calm. You then turned around to be met with a pair of deadly sharp and dark eyes piercing through you, in which you quietly gulped in response.

"I'm sorry i came back late, dad. I was with the Schuyler Sisters and-"

"You really think I'll believe that lying mouth of yours?"

Those words caught you off guard since you are, for a fact, not lying. You really were with Angelica and the others, and so you gave him your 'what are you talking about?' face, and he did not like that. He approached you, and you slowly but surely walked backwards, in hopes of getting away from him. When he was only a few inches from you, he spoke up again.

"Don't you fucking lie to me, who was that man with you? Who the fuck was he?" His voice low with growl as he fixed his sight to yours. You took another gulp of your own spit as he was starting to push you into a corner.

"I wasn't lying! I really was with The Sisters, that boy is just one of ou-"

Slapped

You could feel the hot print on your left cheek as it was burning with pain from the sudden hit, you hold it with your arm. This time you had enough, it was enough living in a world where girls don't have any rights, and you were absolutely not gonna let this man use that against you. Even if he is your blood.

"I'll ask you again, and this time i want an answer, not a rambling about some nonsense you pulled out of your ass."

You looked at him dead in the eye before finally giving an answer.

"Marquis de Lafayette. There, you have it. May i go now?" You said with disgust and anger lacing in every word. This made your so called dad shut up, before forcefully yanked you away. You ran to your room and find yourself falling asleep while crying, at this point all you wanna do was die. With all the smell of cigarettes and alcohol, you basically almost puked, and you still can't believe your mom left you with him. When you woke up, you checked the time. 11:36. At this rate, you could barely sleep again, and you didn't want to be in a house with that jerk anyways, so a brilliant-yet-kinda-dumb idea came to mind. You got out of the house quietly, you didn't want to even try spending the night there anymore, and to be honest, you didn't know where to go.

You could visit the Schuyler Sisters, yes, but going to the Schuyler Mansion at this time of night? Maybe not. You couldn't go to one of the boys' house either, that's just weird. And you didn't want to look like slut. So your thoughts just came to that one place, the place you and the rest of the gang met. The place where you and Lafayette met. The bar. Plus it's open twenty/four hours so it's not like you'll be trespassing.

And so you did what you thought you did. You go there, at first you thought that you would probably be alone in the bar considering how late it is, and that's a good thing considering the red burning mark on your cheek haven't left yet. But nope. The bar was actually kinda noisy, you looked inside to see Alex and his friends there getting drunk, and so you tried to avoid eye contact and go back outside. Well that was your plan until a certain drunk frenchman called you out.

"Mon amie, (Y/n)! Why are you here at this time of night? A beautiful mademoiselle like you shouldn't do that~" Lafayette slurred almost every word as he is drunk. You stopped dead on your tracks and turned around to smile at them, using your hair to cover the bruises left on your cheek. As you looked closely, you could see that Alexander is probably the only sober one out of the group, and not actually drunk.

"Yeah (Y/n), why are you here? Oh, you can come join us if you want to." Alex, the only stable one at the moment continued.

"That's a great idea Al! Come, mon amie! I'll buy you a drink."

Lord tell me how to say no to this-- But seriously, you wanted to go so badly but you barely even could walk out the moment you saw that smile. And so you just had to walk back, which all the boys cheered on.

"What's wrong, (Y/n)? You're awfully quiet,"

"Yeah, most of the time you're basically the one who can't shut up."

"Yo, talk if you want a free booze."

And yet you kept silent, although a silent chuckle can be heard only by yourself did rang through your ears. The boys were starting to get worried, especially with your new hairdo that covered half of your face.

"Huh, someone's actually denying free booze, something is wrong" Hercules said as he rubbed his nonexistent beard, Laurens just tried to swipe your hair away but you quickly slapped his hands away as soon as it was near your face.

"Sheesh, no touching your new hair, i get it. No need to slap me for it." He said with almost looks like a pout, this time the frenchman was asking you questions, and you didn't want to answer. But in the same time, you don't have the heart to ignore him.

"(Y/n), please, tell me what's wrong.. Why are you covering your face?" and now, you also wanted to die. That face, that damned face, god why can't you just ignore it like anyone else's? You let out a sigh as you finally lets all those emotions loose. Tears were pouring down your face almost as fast as Hercules chugging down a beer, and you could barely took any control of them. You buried your face in Laff's shoulder, him petting your head as you realease all your burdens and tears at the same time. The others were stunned, but is confused on what to do, so they just wait for you to stop crying before saying anything that could make you more emotional, if that's even possible.

You wiped your tears, and when you go to wipe the remaining liquid on your left eyes, you unconsciously exposed the big red mark on your left cheek. Boy, little did you know that they'll immediately turn into interrogators in less than a minute.

"(Y/n). What is this?" Hercules' voice rang first with what seems like anger, second came Alex, with his voice that sounded way more than just 'worried'.

"Who the fuck did this?" He said as he tried to put your hair behind your ear, you avoided his touch and just sinks more into Lafayette's embrace, who's weirdly being quiet through this, although his gaze didn't seem to left you at all.

"(Y/n), Let us take a look. I can't believe someone actually did that to you." It's true, you never told anyone about your 'daddy issues', you didn't want to gain any pitty. Time went on and it's almost One AM now, Laff's gaze didn't seem to have left you, in fact, they were stern, it didn't helped the fact that he haven't said anything in the past hour.

You ended up getting cornered and so you told them, about everything that was happened last night. They. Were. Furious. It didn't surprise you though, if your friend were going through the same thing, you'd probably ready to murder someone too.

"(Y/n), does zis 'ave something to do with me?" You immediately flinched. The reason you were slapped was because you didn't want to tell your dad about Lafayette, and he basically could see it through you. He immediately cursed himself, blaming everything that he thought he did wrong. With a little explanation and help from Alex and the others, you got him to calm down and kissed him in his cheek. In which he responds with a blush acrossed his face.

In the end, Lafayette asked you to stay with him for a while and said it was "the least he could do." Basically you were treated like a princess, nothing major happened other than cuddles and venting, he would pat your head and hold you close when you started crying. Sometimes he would kiss your forehead and says sweet nothings to you. He insisted to sleep on the couch while you took the bed, and ever since, the guys would act like your brothers, especially Laurens and Mulligan, they would actually shower you with new dresses and act proud whenever you and Lafayette had "a step forward". (They became your personal wingmans too.)

Not long after, The schuylers took you in, or more like - dragged you in. Philip Schuyler had left the Mansion to his daughters, and so which give them the opportunity to make you their roommates. You four would just chill at night and trash talk your dad when wanted to. (courtesy of big sis Angie™).

Alex on the other hand, was determined to make your dad looked like a fool, even though you told him countless times that he didn't need to do that. He would write about your dad with headlines like "Man Treats Daughter Worse Than Slave" or something like that. In which you laughed about, somehow you still feel bad about the amount of hate your dad gives, but you also feel as if he deserves it for hitting you all those years.

The last but not least, Lafayette. The man asked you out after you moved with the Schuylers, he said he's lonely now that you're not with him and he missed you, he also said that was the time he realized he had feelings for you. You immediately said yes and have been courting with him ever since. Honestly he's just the embodiment of love and cuddles, and you love him for every support he gave you.

#Lafayette x reader #Hamilton x reader #Hamilton fics #Lafayette scenarios #Alastor x reader #Alastor imagines #Hazbin hotel x reader #Hazbin hotel imagines #The radio demon #Vivziepop #Lin-Manuel Miranda #Fics #X readers #Angst #Angsty x reader #Self insert

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katieskarlette · 4 years

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Regarding Arthas’ Hypothetical Return

I see discourse is heating up about the possibility of Arthas having a role in Shadowlands, with many imagining the worst. Considering how much time I’ve spent on my “AU Arthas Adventures” screenshot series in the past few months, I obviously have thoughts on the subject.

First, let me assure everyone that the last thing I want is for Arthas to be whitewashed and exalted in Shadowlands. If they brought him back and suddenly all the characters are groveling at his feet, praising him and begging forgiveness for ever judging him, that would be utter and complete bullshit. If, as I’ve seen some dudebros suggest, he was the one to kill Sylvanas, that would also be utter and complete bullshit. Although the issue gets a bit murky when you try to figure out what it means to have your soul sucked out and trapped in Frostmourne, there’s still no question that Arthas did awful things that should not be handwaved away. Even before picking up the cursed blade he was arrogant, stubborn, egotistical, greedy, impatient and hotheaded.

No, if he’s coming back I want him to be penitent, ashamed, self-loathing, unable to look anyone in the eye, fully owning up to the harm he did. He should acknowledge that he tortured Sylvanas’ soul without even daring to expect a glimmer of forgiveness in return for his apology. I don’t want the narrative to trivialize the horrors she endured; I want it to reinforce how they were among Arthas’ worst deeds (and that’s a long list with some stiff competition.)

But that doesn’t mean he can’t have an interesting role in the story, and be working to atone for his past evil deeds. Maybe his time as Lich King gives him insight into how the Shadowlands work and that’s ultimately the key to solving the “all undead go to the Maw no matter how good they were in life” problem. That would be poetic and appropriate, that he would be instrumental in saving the souls he damned in the first place. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but there are ways they can bring Arthas into the story while respecting Sylvanas and the hell she’s endured.

We don’t know where Kael’thas’ Shadowlands arc is headed, so ignoring that for the moment, we’ve never had a real, honest-to-goodness redemption arc in WoW. Some looked at Legion as Illidan’s redemption, but it was no such thing. He showed no remorse for the harm he did in the past (except maybe obliquely in his parting letters to Malfurion and Tyrande), and did not modify his behavior in response. He kept doing the same reckless shit he had always done, but this time it ended up working. The whole “I am my scars!” cinematic cemented that he was unapologetic and had no interest in changing his ways.

I would love to see a major character arc in which someone is truly sorry for what they’ve done, takes responsibility, works to atone for and ameliorate the harm they caused, and becomes a better person. But I don’t want it at the expense of other characters, especially those who suffered the most at the hands of the one seeking redemption.

Can Blizzard pull off such a balancing act? I don’t know. But after the respectful, nuanced way they handled Jaina’s inner turmoil in BFA I’m willing to give them a chance. If they mess it up, there’s always fanfiction and silly screenshot series.

#rambling about wow #shadowlands spoilers #maybe #more like speculation #no drama please #just my opinions #I've lost four followers in three days #so I might as well post a potentially #unpopular opinion #and make it worse lol #arthas

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swanqueeneverafter · 4 years

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The Once & Future Queen Pt.36

The Crystal Cave. (The group continue their journey. Upon entering the cave, Morgana conjures two torches and hands one each to Xena and Gabrielle. Seeing this, Regina conjures a fireball to light her way while Emma simply pulls a small flashlight from her pocket. As everyone continues on through the cave, Zelena produces her own green fireball and walks alongside Morgana.) Zelena: "So we can't use magic to get here, but it's fine once we're inside?" Morgana: "Apparently so. I didn't make the rules." Zelena: "Hm. You've been here before then?" Morgana: "No, but my sister visited from time to time. It was here where she used to watch me through the crystals." Zelena: "Well I'd call that creepy, if I didn't do something similar with Regina." Morgana: (Smiles:) "Seems we're a lot alike." Zelena: (Stares at Morgana a moment, then gruffly:) "Maybe we can paint each other's toenails and share stories after we rescue my niece?" (Zelena picks up her pace, leaving Morgana to trail behind.) Morgana: (Calling after her:) "I had nothing to do with Mordred kidnapping the child!" Zelena: "Do you mean this time or does that include the time before as well?" Morgana: "Both. Whatever dark deeds I may have done in my past, none of them included harming innocent children." Zelena: (Sighs and allows Morgana to catch up to her:) "Her name is Maria." Morgana: (Nods:) "I know." (Listening to their conversation, Xena's memories return her to the time of her own redemption.)

Many, Many Years Ago. (Xena walks through the wreckage of a village to see everything destroyed.) Xena: (Marching up to her second in command:) “What have you done?!” Darphus: “A message, to those who defy us.” Xena: “You killed women and children?” Darphus: “If this doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of the northern villages, nothing will.” Xena: “You’re a butcher. Your disobedience will not go unpunished!” Darphus: “I expected as much.” (A few feet away, a baby starts crying. Xena walks over and picks up the child.) Cretus: (To Darphus:) “I thought I killed them both.” Darphus: “Kill it!” (Cretus draws his sword and approaches.) Xena: “Stop! (Points at Cretus with menace:) You kill this baby, you die next. (Stares at Darphus:) Contrary to what some might think, I still lead this army.” The Crystal Cave. Present. (Gabrielle, like the true bard she is, continues the story while the group walks along through the darkness.) Gabrielle: “The child should have meant nothing. But it was the beginning for Xena. The past is a harsh and unwilling mistress to change and so her own men put her through a gauntlet of death.” (Images of Xena being brutally beaten by members of her own army flash through Xena’s mind’s eye. Left for dead, the soldiers begin to disperse but Xena’s indomitable spirit pushes her to get to her feet and walk away.)

Gabrielle: “But now that good had taken root, the will to survive was too great. Her destiny now was to fight for the innocent. And that is what she’s done. And with that, Xena became good.” (Morgana smiles as Gabrielle finishes her story, realising perhaps for the first time that she’s surrounded by others who have dark pasts.) Morgana: “And you’ve never been tempted back to the darkness since?” Xena: “Oh, there have always been temptations, but somehow I just seem to resist them.” (Xena smirks at Gabrielle.) Gabrielle: (Rubbing Xena’s back:) “Yes, I don’t know how she does it sometimes.” Zelena: (Rolls her eyes:) “Oh please. While these two may need each other to keep on the straight and narrow, there are those of us who have no problem doing it by themselves.” Regina: (Joining them:) “What are you talking about? Zelena, you have spent most of your life looking for acceptance from others. The whole point of your obsession with going back in time was so you could have people around you to love and support you.” Zelena: “Yeah, and you certainly put a stop to that, didn’t you?” Storybrooke. Past. Barn. (Zelena turns her magic on Regina. Lifting her up, Zelena begins strangling her sister.) Zelena: (Pleased:) “Only light magic can harm me. And you’re as dark as they come. It was your destiny to be this way. And it’ll also be your undoing.” Regina: (With a strained voice:) “Don’t tell me what I can be.” Zelena: (Chuckles:) “I tried to be good once, but it wasn’t in the cards. This is who I am and it’s who you are.” Regina: “You’re wrong, Sis.” (Now, white light emerges from her hands.) Zelena: “What are you doing?” Regina: (Smiles:) “Changing.” (With a sudden burst of strength, Regina forcefully pushes her sister back.) Zelena: (Angry:) “How?” Regina: “I make my own destiny.” Zelena: “So, now you’re a hero?” Regina: (Smiles:) “Today I am.”

The Crystal Cave. Present. (Zelena glares at her sister, then turns at the sound of laughter coming from Morgana.) Morgana: "I'm sorry, but the Wicked Witch was defeated by the Evil Queen's use of light magic. That's hilarious." Zelena: "Oh, well thanks very much. And I thought you and I were just starting to get along. (Morgana continues to chuckle:) Need I remind you that Morgause didn't find my time travel spell a laughing matter? Or that out of the six of us, I am the only one who has defeated Mordred not once, but twice?" Mordred: (Unseen:) “There will not be a third time. (Xena and Gabrielle’s torches extinguish and everyone draws their weapons trying to find Mordred:) Over here.” (Zelena conjures another fireball, walking forward.) Zelena: “Show yourself, Mordred.” Mordred: “How has it come to this? Betrayed by my truest ally.” Morgana: (Speaking up:) “I have not betrayed you, Mordred. (She listens for a response:) Please, face me.” (Mordred’s voice sounds as if it’s coming from different directions. The group keep turning, trying to pinpoint where he is.) Mordred: “Who would of thought it, the great and powerful Morgana joining forces with those who would have seen her dead mere days ago.” Morgana: “Face me.” Mordred: “But you cannot stop me now. You cannot even help yourself.” Zelena: (Having heard enough:) “Why are you hiding? You still afraid of me?” (She turns back to face the way they came. Mordred comes through the passageway behind them.) Mordred: “I fear no one. Least of all you. (Mordred swings the sword towards Zelena but it is blocked by Xena who points her sword at his throat. Mordred laughs at her:) You have defied me for the last time, Xena.” Xena: “Oh no, you and I are just warming up.” (When Xena starts to back him up, Mordred walks back through the passageway and utters a spell, causing rocks to fall and block the way forward.) Mordred: “Stanas ahreosath!” (As the dust settles, the group has been cut in half. Gabrielle, Regina and Emma stand on one side of the rock fall while Xena, Zelena and Morgana's conditions are unknown.)

Gabrielle: "Xena! (She hurls herself at the rock wall, attempting to move a large rock but it is stuck fast. Gabrielle reaches higher up and pulls some small rocks away. She tries frantically to pull the rocks down but nothing happens. She slides to the ground, and turns to the others:) A little help?!” Regina: “But we don’t know-” Emma: (Steps forward:) “I’ve got this.” Regina: “Emma, wait!” (Emma takes aim at the wall and blasts it with a pulse of magic, blowing a sizeable hole in the rocks before more begin to fall on top of them. On the other side of the rockfall we see Zelena flying through the air, having been knocked backwards by the force of the blast. Gabrielle covers her head with her arms until the rocks cease falling.) Gabrielle: (Looking up at Emma:) “Thanks anyway!” (Gabrielle returns to digging by hand while Regina pulls Emma aside.) Regina: “I was going to say that we can’t just blast our way through because we don’t know who’s on the other side of that wall.” Emma: “Our daughter’s on the other side! Mordred has her and unless we do something about it real soon-” Regina: (Cutting her off:) “I know, Emma. Trust me, I know.” (Regina walks over and joins Gabrielle.) Emma: (Incredulous:) “We can’t just sit here clearing rocks while Mordred’s getting away from us!” Regina: “Well unless you want to kill us all with another rock slide, we don’t have another option.” (With her heart racing and her frustration mounting, Emma has no choice but to put her feelings aside and aid with the excavation effort.)

(Meanwhile on the other side of the wall, Xena, having recovered from the initial rockfall, dusts herself off and continues further into the cave. Elsewhere, Zelena looks all around her. With her path blocked at every turn except for one, Zelena takes a deep breath and walks along the passageway and out of sight.) Centre of the Cave. Alcove. (Although not having seen a single crystal so far, Morgana is first to find Mordred’s hideout within the cave. Following the illuminated pathway, Morgana enters an alcove where a child’s cradle rests upon a makeshift altar. Walking towards it, Morgana’s attention is caught by Mordred, who steps out of the shadows.) Mordred: “Welcome, My Lady.” (Morgana glances at the cradle containing Maria and then back to Mordred as slowly, she gives him a warm smile.)

#sq #swanqueen #swan queen

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alexannah · 4 years

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MLB: Character Theory

***season three spoilers***

I’m no psychologist, but I’ve had some thoughts about Chloé Bourgeois that have made me look at her in an entirely new light …

First of all, let me say that this is entirely speculation. I’m not saying this is definitely canonical. But it’s a thought that occurred to me when I started exploring a plot idea last night, and it’s certainly an interesting way to consider Chloé’s character. (But the more I think about it, the more I believe it.) (Also after writing all of this, it occurred to me to do a Tumblr search to see if someone had got there before me. Although some of this has definitely been touched on, I haven’t found anything which puts it all together.)

Chloé became added to my list of favourite characters very recently (a couple of weeks ago), despite what happened in Miracle Queen. Actually if it hadn’t been for that episode, she might not have done; which sounds weird, but although I warmed up to her a lot in season 2 and loved the development of her character we saw in that, I wouldn’t have called her one of my favourites until the urge to write her a redemption arc struck. (And I am. Several. But, not the point of this post …)

Anyway, so this theory is about why she is the way she is. And I know we already have plenty of canonical evidence for that, but I’m going to dig a bit deeper …

To recap the obvious:

André Bourgeois. He’s spoiled Chloé rotten by giving her anything she wants, and has no backbone whatsoever, so the few times he’s not sure about giving into her demands, he usually does anyway. The only time I can think of when he does say ‘no’ is when she demands he close down the school, and then right afterwards when she and Audrey decide to move to New York. Giving your child whatever they want is terrible parenting enough on its own, but since he’s the mayor, she ends up getting whatever she wants from other people as well just by threatening to call “my daddy”. Case in point: Despair Bear, when everyone’s punished except her, the actual culprit. He abuses his own power for her, as evidenced in Rogercop; and yet I headcanon that the reason he said no in Malediktator was because he knew that closing a school down just because his daughter told him to would cause an uproar, and he was too afraid of losing his position. Also why he didn’t want to go to New York, because he loves his power too much.

Now Audrey Bourgeois. She comes on the scene not long after the first sign of Chloé character development we get, which I bet is no accident. She’s also a power abuser, firing people without a second thought for minor or even non-existent crimes, including people she has no actual power to fire. She has a huge ego, demands the best, and basically is a total bitch. If it wasn’t obvious enough from all of that that Chloé mimics her, the fact that they have the same catchphrase basically seals it.

(Now I’ve added that picture, and look: she is literally mimicking her mother.)

So on one hand we have a parent who panders to Chloé’s every whim, and on the other we have one who sets a terrible example of how to treat other people.

But I’m beginning to think there is more to Chloé’s bad behaviour than that.

We know that, at some point before the show began, Audrey took off for New York. We don’t know when exactly that was, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess it was several years ago. Chloé herself says that she “felt so sad”, which is completely understandable, even if they didn’t have the most loving relationship. (Which they obviously didn’t.) We can only guess whether or not they had any contact while Audrey was away, but if they did, I doubt it was very much. Even when Audrey comes back, at least at first, she’s dismissive of Chloé, ‘firing’ her for something as trivial as her choice of gift wrap, getting her name wrong repeatedly (which I’ll come back to in a moment), and she clearly struggles to say the words “I love you”.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that’s pretty neglectful behaviour. And Chloé’s response is pretty heartbreaking. Despite her mother having left her and ignored her for goodness knows how long, she still gets her a gift (this being a girl who doesn’t even get gifts for Adrien herself—it’s possible she had Sabrina get this one too, but I don’t think so), and tries to impress her. When Audrey eventually does accept her, it’s only because she realises Chloé is “just like” her. That’s not unconditional love.

(On a side note, I think it was pretty sweet of Marinette to do that, though in the end I don’t think it was particularly good for Chloé’s character development. But that’s not the point of this post.)

It makes sense for a child who’s been abandoned by a parent to have some abandonment issues, and this is where I finally get to the point! See, I think there’s more to Chloé’s bad treatment of other people than simply mimicking her mother, or because she holds herself above them, or just doesn’t think of other people’s feelings. I think those things are all true, but I also think there is another reason, and that is a fear of getting close to people. A subconscious one, most likely, but one that results in her intentionally keeping people at an emotional distance.

There is one particular reason I think this, and that is Butler Jean. One of his lines from Despair Bear: “I’m sure mademoiselle can remember when she was a little girl; when Mr Cuddly was always nice to mademoiselle when she was sad.”

I draw two things from that. One, that Jean has been in that job at least since Chloé was little, if not before. And two, that when she was little, he used to make Mr Cuddly ‘be nice to her’, showing that Jean used to comfort her when she was upset. He’s one of the very few characters who show Chloé genuine affection, so you would think that Chloé would appreciate that. Yet she treats him as badly as she treats everyone else, going as far to call him the wrong name, a different wrong name, every time she addresses him.

Audrey does the exact same thing with Chloé; calling her a different wrong name; though in Audrey’s case she does actually correct herself, at least when we see her do it in Queen’s Battle. Whether Audrey does it on purpose or is really that forgetful of her own daughter’s name, I don’t know. But in Chloé’s case, I think she must know Jean’s real name. If he’s been waiting on her for most of her life, paying her more sincere affection than either of her parents, I just do not buy her really not knowing it at all. Either she pretends not to know it, or she’s repressed it. But if she actually tried, I’m sure she could recall it.

Now to the three people other than Audrey that Chloé does not treat like dirt:

First, Miss Bustier. Chloé is more respectful to her than she is to other adults, and clearly likes her (as evidenced in Zombiezou when she wanted to give her a present); but I think the fact that she’s her teacher and therefore is expected to keep a certain professional distance is enough to keep her from wanting to push her away, if that makes sense.

Next, Adrien. We know that the two of them have been friends since they were toddlers. We also know that Adrien had a lonely, isolated childhood. And that, I think, is the crucial reason why Chloé is never mean to him. Nowadays, I’m sure her crush on him comes into it, especially since he has other friends now. But when they were younger, she knew he was as reliant on her friendship as she was on his. And therefore he was the one person she could be certain would never leave her.

Now to Ladybug. As we all know, prior to season three, Ladybug was Chloé’s idol. The reasons for this are never explicitly stated, but I reckon it’s because Ladybug is universally adored and admired, and Chloé knows full well that she’s hated: “I have no reason to be here. Nobody likes me; I have no friends; I’m useless.” She clearly didn’t want to become a superhero in order to do the right thing, or otherwise she wouldn’t have deliberately jeopardised the Metro train; instead she craves the admiration, and we know she became Queen Bee in response to Audrey dismissing her and offering Marinette the chance of a lifetime. (Only now noticed she actually has tears in her eyes in this moment; see the picture below.) The fact she wanted to be Queen Bee for the wrong reasons is greatly criticised by the people who don’t like her, but it just makes me feel more sorry for her.

(With regard to the ‘I have no friends’ thing, I always thought of that as an odd thing for her to say, because of Adrien and Sabrina. I’m still not one hundred percent certain on why she says this, but I don’t think it’s because she’s trying to get Ladybug to feel sorry for her. At least in that moment, she clearly believes it.)

Becoming a superhero was a dream come true for her, so when she started to realise that Ladybug was neglecting her in favour of other superheroes, it’s no wonder she was hurt. As usual with Chloé, it showed itself in anger. When Ladybug actually explains to her that she can’t give her the bee Miraculous back, and why, I now think Chloé reacted the way she did because she felt like, once again, she was being abandoned. This time by her idol.

I’m not saying this excuses her eventually accepting Hawk Moth’s offer, but I do think it explains it better than Chloé just having a tantrum over not being a superhero anymore. When Hawk Moth (very manipulatively) says “You’re Ladybug’s biggest fan. You’ve helped her. You’ve trusted her. And what has she done for you in return?” Chloé responds, “Nothing! She couldn’t care less about me!” Which is not true, and Chloé should have known this, because Ladybug specifically told her that not giving the Miraculous back was “for your own safety”. But Chloé’s response says, to me, that she felt betrayed. Feelings of abandonment are not necessarily rational. Back in Miraculer, when she said “I understand,” I think she was trying really hard to accept Ladybug’s explanation. I do. But she clearly was hurt, as evidenced by ripping up the photo of her and Ladybug and saying she didn’t want to pretend to be her anymore when playing with Sabrina. Then time went on, and then Ladybug chose Ryuko when it was Chloé’s own parents that had been akumatized, and that was just the last straw. She forgot what Ladybug had said, and she forgot all the times before that when Ladybug had helped her, out of feeling personally rejected.

When I’d written all of this out and went back to the episodes to check the accuracy of my quotes, I was much closer to crying than I had ever been watching those moments.

If this is canon, then it gives me hope, because I don’t see how the writers can not give her the redemption she needs. If her abandonment issues are addressed/dealt with, if she finds people who accept and care about her no matter what she’s done (I’m looking at Jean and Miss Bustier here—possibly Adrien, but I think it might take him a while to forgive her considering he and Ladybug were personally hurt by her actions), I think she could actually change for the better on a more permanent basis.

As I’ve written this post, I’ve come to believe more and more in my conclusion. Really, now I think about Chloé in this light, I don’t blame the writers for what they did. As destructive to Chloé’s development as it seems, it was a logical and in-character plot direction. Hawk Moth had already taken advantage of knowing Queen Bee’s identity to distract her during Heroes’ Day; there was no way he would pass up on using it against her again. He knows Chloé personally and was able to press all the right buttons to tap into her unresolved issues. What happened wasn’t just foreshadowed in Miraculer; it was probably inevitable. But that doesn’t mean Chloé can’t come back from it.

I’ve also said before and I’ll say it again; Chloé was fated to be Queen Bee, and I don’t believe that was because her destiny was to betray Ladybug and Cat Noir. I’m starting to think that she’ll be the key to the heroes’ eventual victory. Perhaps because Hawk Moth now sees her as an ally (or at the very least a pawn he can manipulate), she’ll be able to use that against him in the end. So Miracle Queen had to happen in order for them to win.

I hope this proves hopeful to everyone else who felt let down by the season three finale.

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inspired-by-the-music · 4 years

Text

For You: 4 O’Clock

Taglist: @jineunwootrash

If you would like to be added to any of this blog’s taglists, please ask!

Note: prepare for the most melodramatic narration you have ever read in your life.

Chapter 8: Supportive

Kai’s POV

I could probably count on one hand how many times I lost my temper in a professional setting. I could probably count on one hand how many times I felt as nauseatingly guilty as I did when that rude interviewer disrespected Lei with those stupid questions. On the surface, I felt the same concern for Lei as the other members. On a deeper level, I was disgusted with myself because in that man, I saw traces of my reflection.

Had I not treated Lei the same way before we went camping, when I thought of her as an inconvenience? Had I not failed to respect her as a person and an artist? Granted, I had made strides toward appreciating her worth in the group. While defending her was an impulse— the words fell out of my mouth without much consideration— in the aftermath, I hoped that maybe it could be my act of redemption.

Although I apologized on the pier, although I already tried to make amends by asking her to call me by my name, throughout the day I was compelled to apologize again and again. All that kept me biting my tongue was the fear of worsening her day by bringing up old transgressions.

Yet, when we returned to the hotel and I saw that Lei looked so upset, I decided that I would apologize anyway. I was walking toward her despite Baekhyun’s advice to give her space when Taemin brushed past me to follow her into the elevator.

It shouldn’t have annoyed me— that lovesick look in Taemin’s eyes as he held Lei in his arms before the elevator doors closed— but I rolled my eyes.

“Come on, Lucas.” I grabbed his arms and tugged him toward the elevators, saying, “We need to change into our bathing suits. Manager will never forgive us if we jump into the pool wearing our clothes.”

I don’t know if Lucas expected me to ask, “What’s going on with Lei and Taemin?” as soon as I closed the door to our room.

He didn’t seem too surprised. Digging through his suitcase, Lucas laughed. “Is this all our friendship is now, Kai— you whisking me off to our room to ask about Lei’s love life?”

Growing a little red in the face, I shook my head and pulled my swim trunks out of my bag. “I just think it’s a little ridiculous that after throwing a tantrum about people shipping her with the members, she runs off to her hotel room with Taemin.”

It wasn’t shocking that Lucas would defend his friend, but I didn’t really expect him to be so loud about it. I had never known Lucas to lose his temper, but his face flushed an unnatural scarlet when he said, “First of all, she has every right to deny those rumors. She had every right to be angry when she’s denied herself relationships with every guy in the industry— except me and Super Junior— before Taemin.”

I blinked at him, and he continued, “Obviously, whatever is going on with her and Taemin is so special that she can’t tell me, and Taemin can’t tell you, so just—”

Lucas pounded his fist on his bed as he struggled with words.

“— lay off, Kai. Try to be a supportive friend. And remember that Taemin followed her into the elevator. Taemin asked her for her ribbon. That doesn’t make her a hypocrite.”

I stood there, stunned by his scolding, unsure of how I would have responded if he hadn’t stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Try to be supportive.

It never occurred to me that I hadn’t been. My idea of supporting Taemin was to remain rational despite his ramblings about soulmates and ribbons and the moon. But maybe— maybe Lucas’s definition of support was better than mine.

Was I just another person Taemin had to bite his tongue around? Had he been guarding his relationship with Lei as a secret even from me because I discouraged him?

I never meant to interfere with Taemin’s happiness. I only wanted him to be careful with his heart. I only wanted to warn him against the dangers of confusing convenient attraction with destined love. Of course, I was concerned about how his career— and Lei’s— might have been affected by their fling, but I was more concerned that Taemin was throwing all of his love at somebody who was incapable of appreciating it.

Maybe I was too harsh on Lei, but I had witnessed over the past few years how easily she could discard Sehun’s heart. I had seen her roll her eyes and run whenever guys who weren’t Lucas got too close. I just didn’t want Taemin to be another guy she could reject to feel higher and mightier.

Until I saw how she looked at Taemin when they walked down to the pool— when she thought nobody was looking— it never occurred to me that maybe she didn’t derive some power from breaking guys’ hearts. Maybe the issue was that nobody had ever liked her as genuinely as Taemin did; maybe the issue was that she really hadn’t liked any of those other guys.

Maybe— no, definitely— I misunderstood her.

How long would I look at her, who likely never deserved my criticism, and feel this sorry? When would I be able to join in her laughter and feel like the wall I built between us was demolished?

I didn’t know, but I hoped that time would arrive soon after Lucas told me, smiling at his phone, “Lei told me something very interesting.”

I hoped that time would arrive soon after Taemin texted me, probably smiling more broadly than Lucas, to say that Lei loved him.

Of course, I guess I already knew that Taemin loved her; I was just sorry I didn’t believe him sooner.

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thebluelemontree · 4 years

Note

Hey, sorry to be a bother but do you know any metas about Driftwood and the mythological significance of have Stranger called such? If not, could you please help me find any metas about the importance of Stranger (the horse and the god) to Sandor's future? Thank you!!

It’s no bother at all. I love talking about this stuff. I don’t recall any other metas specifically on that topic, but I do go into the meaning of Driftwood/Stranger in Part VI of my Winds prediction essay for Sandor. I’m staying narrowly focused on your question here, but mythological significance branches out much farther and features heavily throughout each section of that essay if you have any further interest.

And the seventh face … the Stranger was neither male nor female, yet both, ever the outcast, the wanderer from far places, less and more than human, unknown and unknowable. Here the face was a black oval, a shadow with stars for eyes. It made Catelyn uneasy. – Catelyn IV, ACOK.

Of the Seven, the Stranger is the one most regarded with fear for his/her association with death and the unknown. He/she’s either depicted as a shrouded half-human, half-animal, or with a blacked-out void for a face. Sandor has that thematic aesthetic going on with his hound’s head helm, which gives him the appearance of being both a man and a beast. That is a reflection of the duality of his identity between Sandor and the Hound. He frequently enters a scene by stepping out from the shadows, so he also fits with the shadowy figure version. Sandor also isn’t one to allow others to know his true self, at least until Sansa, Arya, and the Elder Brother. Rarely does any worshipper pray to the Stranger as few are eager to invite death itself in, of course. It’s no wonder that the outcasts of society might identify with that lonely aspect of being an unwelcome presence and having nowhere to belong.

For Sandor to give his horse such a blasphemous name, it’s because he views himself as someone who is feared and misunderstood, and as an outsider who stands on the outside looking in at the world. This is especially true as he is immersed in the culture of knighthood but emphatically rebels against it. There is much of ordinary life that is closed off to Sandor, and it’s not all due to his trauma response and poor coping skills alienating him from other people. A lot of it is just unfair. His perceived ugliness in a society that overwhelmingly favors physically beautiful people and despises disability or disfigurement has hindered his ability to create meaningful connections with others. That resentment has only built up throughout his life. He’s a second son who is forced to make his own way in the world since Gregor is the sole beneficiary of the Clegane lands and incomes. It’s Gregor that got the home and wife (three to be exact), which is the domestic life that would normally ground a man, giving him a sense of purpose and satisfying his emotional needs. Gregor doesn’t care for any of that, but there is a hint that Sandor feels this is something that has been denied him. Since many people fail to distinguish Sandor as different from his brother, Gregor’s infamy and the rumors surrounding the deaths of his wives and family members really don’t help either. After the BotBW, Sandor is really cut adrift from society by his desertion. He’s unfairly marked as a craven, and then in a tragic case of mistaken identity is wanted for the rape and massacre of the Saltpans. That’s about as hated and reviled as one can get.

Like other instances of named horses being a reflection of their riders, Stranger’s nature says a lot about Sandor’s. He’s proficient in battle, brave, disciplined, but extremely ill-tempered, and dangerous; however, with gentle handling from a master that has earned his trust, he’s able to respond in kind.

The horse was a heavy courser, almost as big as a destrier but much faster. Stranger, the Hound called him. Arya had tried to steal him once, when Clegane was taking a piss against a tree, thinking she could ride off before he could catch her. Stranger had almost bitten her face off. He was gentle as an old gelding with his master, but otherwise he had a temper as black as he was. She had never known a horse so quick to bite or kick.

There’s a bond there. The horse isn’t just a tool or weapon to be used. Sandor cares for this big, scary boy that no one else can get close to. After rescuing Sansa from the riot, his next thought is to go back to find his horse in the chaos and fire. Because Sandor gave him the name, it shows that he has the self-awareness of how his issues and anti-social behavior have only served to increase his sense of isolation and cement other people’s negative opinions. The only reason an animal would so readily bite or kick indiscriminately is that it’s in constant fear of being hurt by people (*sob*). It’s possible Sandor recognized a warhorse that was trained with brutal methods, not unlike his own childhood and adolescence. One can imagine how much patience, kindness, and courage it took to bring such an ornery beast to the point where he can trust and reciprocate.

People are more complicated than animals, of course; however, this is definitely meant to mirror his relationship with Sansa and her gentleness, compassion, and courage in the face of his anger issues. Though not many are not keen on giving attention to the Stranger in their prayers, Sansa does pray for Sandor’s safety and well-being. The Stranger is the last deity people turn to for comfort, and yet Sansa views Sandor as her protector and ally. She wishes for his presence at times, even after seeing him at his worst. And I love, love, love this line from Cersei about Sansa, who is deep into the unkiss rabbit hole at this point:

“… but before I am done with her, I promise you, she will be singing to the Stranger, begging for his kiss.“ – Cersei IV, AFFC.

So that brings us to Stranger’s renaming to Driftwood, but first, we need to ask what exactly is the Quiet Isle? Quoting from Part IV of my essay:

“The Quiet Isle is also a place to cross over into the afterlife in more than one way. Sometimes the dead and dying wash up on the shores, as did the Elder Brother. Sometimes they are brought there like the Hound or the people of the Saltpans after the massacre to die or be healed. The metaphoric and most common way is for penitents to abandon their old lives to be reborn in a new monastic life. In a sense, the brothers on the isle are dead to the outside world. They don’t speak with few exceptions. Many cover their faces as well, obscuring their past identity. Their brown robes and cowls are like the dead driftwood that washes up there, but even driftwood gets reborn as beautiful polished furniture and cups. If you want to come on the Quiet Isle, you need Elder Brother’s or one of his proctor’s permission. There’s a ferry to the isle which is evocative of Charon. So that makes Elder Brother, like Garth Greenhand, a psychopomp. He’s a gatekeeper between life and death, literal and metaphoric, and can also return people to the world of the living. The imagery is evocative of the Elysian Fields and especially Avalon, where King Arthur was taken to recover from wounds sustained against Mordred at the Battle of Camlann and is destined to return from. ”

Driftwood was dead and washed up, but then it is collected, reshaped and polished into something beautiful with a new purpose in its second life. Driftwood in this context is a metaphor for healing and redemption.

“The furnishings were strange but simple; a long table, a settle, a chest, several tall cases full of books, and chairs. All were made from driftwood, oddly shaped pieces cunningly joined together and polished till they shone a deep gold in the candlelight.” – Brienne VI, AFFC.

Amazing Grace, How sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like meI once was lost, but now am foundT'was blind but now I see

I zero doubts that Sandor’s character is undergoing a radical and profound transformation on the Quiet Isle. He was broken down enough to be open to it when the Elder Brother picked him up from the shore of the Trident. Also kinda miraculous that Stranger must have allowed himself to be led by another person while Sandor was incapacitated; however, it’s obvious Stranger is never going to spend the rest of his days as a plowhorse.

Brother Narbert sighed. “The Seven send us blessings, and the Seven send us trials. Handsome he may be, but Driftwood was surely whelped in hell. When we sought to harness him to a plow he kicked Brother Rawney and broke his shinbone in two places. We had hoped gelding might improve the beast’s ill temper, but … Brother Gillam, will you show them?”

Brother Gillam lowered his cowl. Underneath he had a mop of blond hair, a tonsured scalp, and a bloodstained bandage where he should have had an ear. – Brienne VI, AFFC.

This makes me laugh because although I believe Sandor has learned to have a healthier mindset through humble service and meaningful penance, he probably has been a veritable pill through the process. As Stranger kicks and rebels, we should definitely conclude that Sandor’s time with the holy brothers is not permanent. Especially considering that the horse adamantly refuses to be gelded, Sandor will not be submitting to the celibate life of a monk. The new name likely won’t stick, because Sandor didn’t so much need a whole new identity, but to restore his original one. The Hound is dead, but Sandor Clegane lives, polished and remade with a new purpose to his life.

#valyrian scrolls #sandor clegane #sandor clegane meta #asoiaf meta #twow spec #twow theories #stranger #driftwood #the quiet isle #elder brother #mythological references #mythology in asoiaf #symbolism in asoiaf #sansan meta #asoiaf characterization #my meta

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ibijau · 4 years

Note

Oh, if you are still looking for prompts (sorry you're bored at work, though!) could you write a fic where Huaisang finds out somehow (at or before Cloud Recesses, I think) that Meng Yao is the one who would kill NMJ? I love the intensity of NHS' love for NMJ in 'I am what I am...' but that one's so tragic. I'd love to see NHS scheming to actually save him!

so. Uh. You’re like ‘oh that was tragic’ and then I did this and. I think. It’s worse???

So yeah. Here’s an AU for ‘I am what I am’ where I things went more along my original plan (and story canon), with LXC still struggling to believe jgy really could have killed nmj, and thus being very shocked when nhs pushes him to stab jgy, leading to lxc going to seclusion in Cloud Recesses. And then... welp, just read I guess. It’s not happy for nhs but I’m mildly tempted to add to it in the future ahah orz

warning for mentions of suicide except not... exactly? and mentions of animal death

Huaisang had found the book among the belongings of Mo Xuanyu. Something he had stolen from Carp Tower before leaving, and which in turn his cousin had stolen from him. Huaisang had only wanted to make sure Mo Xuanyu had left nothing that would compromise him, nothing that Wei Wuxian could use to prove his implication, should the mood strike him.

That book contained a number of dangerous rituals from ages past, curses, and all manners of demonic cultivation of the worst sort. Not something that interested Huaisang, but too dangerous to be left where anyone might find it. He’d brought it back to the Unclean Realm, and forgotten it for a few months. He’d been busy. Without Lan Xichen to help him, running his sect had become a much harder task. But his husband was in Cloud Recesses, hiding in seclusion to atone for his role in Jin Guangyao’s death and… Huaisang held no illusions. He knew Lan Xichen would not come back to him.

That was fine. He’d had years to get used to the idea. What they had shared for a while had been pleasant, yes, but… Huaisang knew what sort of a man he was. He did not deserve happiness, no more than Jin Guangyao had.

He did not miss Lan Xichen, because he had no right to miss him. Not after making him a murderer. Not after destroying the only truly good person he’d ever met.

It was boredom that led him back to Mo Xuanyu’s book, as well as some degree of curiosity. He’d never held much interest in cultivation, let alone in that of the unlawful sort but… it was winter. Things were slow in the Unclean Realm, and everywhere he looked, he saw reminders of what he should never have had in the first place. Compared to the loneliness of a cold bed, a book of curses felt almost pleasant.

That was how he found one particular ritual. One that promised to give a chance to correct mistakes of the past, if one was willing to make the necessary sacrifices. The requirements were rather gory, several animals needed to die and so would the caster but the promised reward was enticing: to send one’s consciousness back in time and inhabit once more the body of their youth.

Ridiculous.

And yet, night after night, Huaisang found himself coming back to the book, to that page. The things that ritual demanded would make him a full monster, one beyond redemption… although perhaps he’d crossed that line already. But if it worked, if it were real, it could save Mingjue. If he could prevent his brother from taking Meng Yao as his second… or perhaps not that, since that line of event had helped toward a shorter war. Then, at least, if he could stop Meng Yao from provoking that Qi deviation… then Mingjue could live.

A fanciful notion, and one that amused Huaisang for a while.

Until one day, it hit him that it wouldn’t be only Mingjue’s fate he would change.

If he were to do this, he would alter Lan Xichen’s life too. His husband wouldn’t go through heartbreak, he would get to marry the man he loved, he would get to be happy.

There were few things Huaisang wouldn’t have done for his brother.

Those things, he realised with mild horror, he would gladly do just to see Xichen smile again, even if it would never be at him.

Huaisang did not want to think about what that said about him, about the way he felt for the man who had stood at his side for a decade. He had lost Xichen in this life and, as he gathered the required elements for the ritual, he knew he was preparing to lose him in another one too.

It was fine, he reminded himself as his blade cut through his skin in complicated patterns, letting his blood join that of a number of animals. Lan Xichen had never been his to have.

He collapsed soon after, unsure what might happen.

It was a surprise when he opened his eyes and found himself in a room both foreign and familiar, bathed in the pale light of early morning as a bell rang in the distance. Cloud Recesses. The ritual had worked.

Huaisang smirked to himself.

So he’d really been given a second chance. He’d make it count.

Mingjue and Xichen would be happy, no matter what it cost him.

#xisang #nie huaisang #mo dao zu shi #fanfic #mdzs #nhs baby I'm sorry but also I guess you kinda deserve what you're getting ahah orz #nillegible #jau answers #bad timeline

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the-awkward-outlaw · 4 years

Text

A New Adventure

Warnings: None

Word count: ~2300

**Author’s note - This takes place in Utah (for my own reasons). This one shot is to set up my modern reader x Arthur Morgan head cannons. I am open to requests and ideas! If you like what you read, leave a comment!**

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You’re walking in the park by your home. It’s something you like to do every day with your dog, not only to give her exercise but so you can get some too. After all, working in an office at a desk doesn’t allow you to walk around much.

The park is pretty and you’re lucky to be living just down the street from it. It sits at the foot of a mountain range in your home valley. Right now, there’s some snow on the ground from a big storm that came through a few days ago, but it’s already melting. Perks of living in the west. Sure, winters are cold and long and the snow sucks worse, but at least it only sticks around for a few days. You love living out here though. The mountains are beautiful, you wouldn’t trade them for hardly anything.

You walk along the west side of the park right at the base of the mountain. There’s a small cave there, it only goes back about twenty feet and the local kids like to go play in there, and sometimes the older kids go in there to smoke or drink. Luckily because you live in a small neighborhood that isn’t close enough to the big city, kids smoking is about the worst that happens out here. You’ve been inside the cave once. There’s a weird drawing on the back wall, but several people have left their artists marks behind in it, so you’ve never thought anything of it.

As you begin approaching, Sage, your Bernese mountain dog, begins barking at it. Strange. She rarely barks and she’s been past this cave pretty much every day since you’ve had her. Maybe there’s a racoon or a skunk in there tonight.

You tell Sage to shush and continue walking towards the cave. She settles down but still growls. You begin thinking of other things and forgetting about her behavior when a man steps out of the cave. You recognize him, not by his face, but his outfit. He’s dressed as Arthur Morgan from your favorite video game Red Dead Redemption 2. You smile at him. Cosplayers are a pretty big deal in your state, thanks to the rise of your local comic book convention. However, he’s dressed up for the wrong time for the con, it’s not until September. It’s only February. And why the hell would this cosplayer be in the cave dressed up? Weird.

You keep walking. Sage wags her tail at him but continues on with you, no longer growling. She probably could smell him and not see him, explaining the barking. She’s an overly friendly dog so you’re not worried about her.

The man looks around as though he’s no idea where he is. Maybe he’s on something. As you get closer, you think he’s an exceptional Arthur Morgan. He looks just like him. Not only are his clothes exactly like the character’s, even worn and dirty in the right spots, his face is exactly like him. Broad shoulders, tanned skin, light stubble on his jawline and unkempt hair under his iconic hat. You can even see the bald spot on his chin where Arthur has a scar.

He continues looking around, confused, and then he spots you. You’re too close to just ignore him so you smile.

“Nice cosplay!” you say.

“Excuse me?” he says. Man, he even sounds like Arthur!

“I said, nice cosplay! You going to a costume party or something.”

“A what? Lady, I ain’t got no clue what you’re saying.”

You’ve stopped by this point to look at him, giving him a confused smile. “Man, you’re really in character too! I gotta admire that. I’m a cosplayer too but I can never stay in character. Kudos to you though!”

You’re tempted to ask for a picture, but it seems perhaps a little inappropriate. He’s looking at you like you’re a freak, as if he wasn’t the one who just popped out of a cave.

“Well, have a good night,” you say, walking on.

“Uh, sure I guess. Hey, ma’am?” he jogs up to you and stops a few feet from you. He’s beginning to weird you out. Just because you live in a small neighborhood doesn’t mean you don’t know how dangerous people can be, particularly men. Besides, if he’s on something, he could be even more of a threat. You keep a tight leash on Sage. She’s not likely to attack him, but you don’t want him to know how much of a pushover pooch she is.

“Sorry, ma’am, guess I’m just a little lost. Um, maybe ya can help me?”

“Sure, I guess. What you wanna know?”

“Well, where the hell am I, for starters.”

You tell him the name of your town, keeping a hard eye on him.

“Where is that exactly? Are we in New Hanover? Or West Elizabeth maybe?”

“Oh boy, you really are selling this cosplay, ain’t you? Well, okay. I’ll play along. Mr. Morgan, you are in Utah.”

“Utah?” he says. He looks away and mouths the word. You know that Utah wasn’t a state until 1896, three years before Red Dead 2 takes place. Boy, this guy is really selling this.

“Yeah. Come on, dude, quit playing. Your cosplay is on point, in fact everything about you is on point. But… come on, man what’s your name?”

“Well, seems you already know my last name, miss. Name’s Arthur. Arthur Morgan.”

“Still playing, huh?” you say with a sigh. “Fine, have it your way.” You wonder if he’s one of those people with an illness that makes him believe he’s someone else. Like Teddy from Arsenic and Old Lace, who firmly believed he was Theodore Rosevelt. “Well, come on,” you say, wondering if you need to call the police or have him checked into a hospital.

“Ma’am, I promise you I ain’t crazy and I ain’t playin’ whatever you think I’m playin’. Tell me, is it still 1899?’”

“What? Dude, come on. It’s 2020.”

“2020!” he cuts you off. “What the hell?” He looks around again and towards the east side of the park where the rec center and playground is, and beyond that the main road, busy with cars heading home for the night. His look of confusion and even fear is so genuine that you wonder what’s really going on.

“Look, mister. What was the last thing you were doing before coming here?”

He looks at you for a moment before answering. “I was in Big Valley collectin’ orchids for some crazy feller. I walked into this cave and saw a dinosaur bone. Some lady, don’t remember what she called herself, said she’d pay me for locations of bones. I went over to mark it and I saw this weird symbol on the wall. I touched it and the mouth of the cave got wickedly bright, it got hot, and when the light went away, I stepped out here.”

He looks around again. “You seen a horse anywhere?”

You look at him sadly. This poor, deluded man. Truly believes he’s Arthur Morgan, picking flowers for that collector in Saint Denis and finding bones for the paleontologist lady. You wonder who this man identified with before Red Dead 2 came out in 2018.

“Mister, only rich people own horses. There’s some about a mile north, but they don’t belong to you I don’t think.”

He looks at you, confused again.

“Come on, mister,” you say, beckoning him to follow. “Let me, um… I think you need to see someone.”

You begin walking again but he calls to you.

“Still don’t believe me, do ya miss?”

“Listen to yourself!” you say. “Arthur Morgan is from a video game. A video game! He’s not real, but you are. Please sir, I think you need help.”

“Lady, I don’t know what the hell a video game is, but I can prove I am real and I am Arthur Morgan!”

He reaches into his satchel and pulls out a slightly ruffled looking orchid. The kind you know from playing the game grows in Big Valley in West Elizabeth, in the forest where the pigs and cougars spawn. He then pulls out a newspaper and hands it to you.

The newspaper’s called “Saint Denis Times” and it’s dated June 18, 1899. The top headline is reporting the bloody massacre of the Grey family in Rhodes. You’ve read the newspapers in the game once before and you remember the article. It’s exactly the same as the one from the game. He then pulls out his pocketwatch. It’s worn and dirty just like the one from the game.

He continues pulling out more objects, even some dried meat. As he shows you more things, you inspect the guns in his holsters. They look real. In his holster on his right hip, you see the double-action revolver with its gold barrel and white handle. You see the engraving of a stag’s head on it.

The more he shows you, the more you find it hard to believe he’s not the real Arthur Morgan. But how in the hell is this possible? It can’t be and yet here he is. He even pulls out his journal. He doesn’t open it, you’re not surprised. You’ve played the game enough to know he’d never show you what’s inside (even though you’ve already seen it). Everything he’s shown you seems so genuine, so real. Something inside you says he’s not making it up, but how in the hell can it be real? There’s no logic to it!

You tell him to put his things away as you try to think how this could have happened. Arthur, or whatever his real name is, asks to show you the drawing he touched in the cave. You say okay, but keep a firm grip on the pepper spray in your pocket (you never go anywhere without it). The man leads you to the cave and you pull out your phone and turn on the flashlight.

“What is that?” he asks to the slim device in your hand, trying to stare into the light, flabbergasted by it.

“It’s a phone,” you say, continuing on in the cave. Sage sniffs along the ground happily, but as you approach the back, she starts barking. The same way she was before the man came out of the cave.

“That’s it,” he says, pointing to it. The drawing looks like some strange symbol. Although you’ve studied some anthropology and symbolism, you’ve never been able to place the culture or meaning of the symbol and just assumed some kid did it. However, getting closer to it, you see it’s been carved into the rock and looks like it’s been there for a long time.

Arthur grabs your shoulder. “Don’t get closer to it, miss. I ain’t too sure what it is, but… well, it ain’t good I think. It’s what I touched and that’s how I ended up here.”

You heed his warning and take a few steps back. You take a picture of it so you can do some research. You aren’t too sure what to do at this point. Something tells you that you can’t take this man to the hospital, and calling the cops wouldn’t do any good. However, the sun’s setting and you have to work in the morning. All your logic says he can’t stay with you, this isn’t a Disney movie after all. He might be playing an elaborate hoax or something.

“You still don’t believe me, do you?” he asks.

“How can I?” you demand. “I mean, listen to yourself! You can’t be Arthur Morgan! He’s from a video game!”

The man sighs and walks over to the wall, placing his hand on the symbol. Sage begins barking like crazy and the opening of the cave becomes too bright to look at and the cave fills with hot air. After a few seconds, the light dims and it cools.

You step outside the cave and find yourself standing in Big Valley. You’re in awe. Somehow, you’ve been transported to 1899 into the game of Red Dead. A pig somewhere nearby squeals and you see, maybe 50 feet away, a huge Ardennes warhorse. She snorts at Arthur.

“You believe me now, miss?” he asks.

You nod, still unable to speak.

“Good. I… I have to admit, I wasn’t sure that’d work.”

You finally look at him understandingly. “I’m sorry, Arthur. I didn’t think it was possible.”

“I can understand why, miss. I wouldn’t believe it myself if it hadn’t happened to me.” He looks around and then begins to cough.

“Shit, Arthur. You okay?”

“Yeah,” he says, spitting into the grass and wiping his mouth. You see the small line of blood left away.

“Arthur, you have TB, don’t you?”

He looks at you, shocked. “How… how do you know that? I only saw a doctor for it two days ago.”

Where to begin with this, you wonder. “Um… it’ll take some explaining, but come on. Let’s see if we can go back and I can get you some medicine for it.”

“You mean… there’s a cure for it where you come from?”

“Well, sort of. We don’t have a cure, per say, but we do have antibiotics. They’ll kick your ass just about as much as the bacteria, but at least you’re more likely to live.”

He looks at you and you see a glimmer of hope. “Okay. I’ll go with you, miss.”

You head back into the cave and touch the symbol. It surprisingly works again and you’re taken back to your time and your park. You’ll take Arthur to a doctor, but you have to drop Sage off at your house and get a car. You have to smile to yourself as you tell Arthur to walk with you. What an adventure this is going to be.

#red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #red dead fanfic #rdr2 fanfic #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur x female reader #arthur morgan x female reader #arthur morgan x female #R* Games #rockstar games #I'm awkward #Van Der Linde Gang #a new adventure

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hecohansen31 · 5 years

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Micheal had noticed you a while ago. You were interesting, and beautiful in his eyes, but you seemed to think differently, your mind was always so loud, angry thoughts of no self-worth and worthlessness were a constant thing when he saw you. When you and him finally have an interview, the question "how do you feel about yourself?" comes up. And after a few failed attempts at lying. Everything comes pouring out, about how you hated yourself, and it was caused by a past abusive relationship.

(A/N): Hello lovely!

Thank you for sending this in!

I am honestly extremely sorry for taking this long with it my writing and everything, I actually am on vacation and it is a bit of a social life everyday (Please life stop I need my mental relax…). But I swear I didn’t forgot about it!

Also, HUGE DISCLAIMER: I haven’t been in an abusive relationship or witnessed one, so most fo what i wrote is based on others’ experience, most fo which fictional.

If there is even something that makes you uncomfortable or offended, lovely please let me know, and I will delete it and rewrite it.

Thank you, again!

WARNINGS: Mentions of Violence, Abusive Relationship and Abusive Behaviors (graphic description!).

Something that Michael had first understood, when he had met her was that she was a survivor.

Not a martyr like the other residents of the Outpost 3: lazy and greedy beings, not worthy of a shot of the redemption they were magically hoping for, since his arrival.

They were expecting to be picked for the Sanctuary, the miraculous place they would finally be all happy, after the Apocalypse destroyed their beloved planet.

Their new chance to live a happy and fulfilling life.

But still… they did nothing to earn it.

Nothing to make Michael feel pitiful towards their state.

Only disgust came to his mind when he thought about the people, who lived in the little shelter, thinking they were only useful for the slaughter.

Except her, the one who tried to make the Outpost feel more like a home.

She listened to Coco’s mindless ideas, meanwhile she tried to make the spoiled heiress feel like she might be more grateful towards the poor Greys she treated as slaves.

She avoided full-blown fights between Gallant and Evie, shushing the latter and trying to make the former feel better about himself.

She helped in her own way the romance between Timothy and Emily, hiding them from Venable or just standing at guard in the room the duo was talking, to make sure that nobody thought about a possible relationship, between the two.

She even let Dinah talk her entire bullshit at her, giving her any kind of TV show advice, meanwhile she just nodded and kept her head stuck in a book, probably to hide her giggle and boredom.

She was a good person, the type that Michael didn’t think would be still alive, and the fact that she was quite a beauty didn’t help, in the slightest…

He soon developed an infatuation towards her, finding way after way to spend time with her, sitting beside her during the meals, and trying to find her in the library alone.

But not only she was extremely squeamish when this happened, but her thoughts betrayed a darker truths: self-loathing thoughts flew in her mind and she was constantly putting herself down, insulting herself for any mistake and when there weren’t… she just shot insults on her physique or mind.

He had never wanted to introduce himself in her thoughts, but they were just so so loud and he couldn’t help but hear them, angry and red, screaming out from her head, till they eventually lost their voices or he would just run away, taken by the interviews or some conversation with Venable.

But in reality, some of part of him, his so-called-humanity, rooted for her and just wanted to gently lay her down next to him, caress her hair and listen to what she had to say about herself, fighting away all those horrible insecurities.

He had left her in the last rounds of interviews, hoping to know more about her in a less threatening way, but not only she refused to share more than he saw, but also she seemed a true afraid animal whenever they were even for a minute alone, and those angry thoughts covered her quiet ones.

So, when her interview came around, she stood on the chair as if there were burning coals under it, nervous and at unease, even more when he locked the door, and she uttered shyly an:

“Is it necessary?” her lashed hid her eyes, but her voice was teary and soft enough to smell of pure fear “… can’t we leave it open?”.

“It is better to close it” he replied, trying his best to appear calm and open, to ease a bit of calmness into her “… we wouldn’t want anybody to listen on your business, Mrs (L/N), would we?”.

She simply nodded, her eyes immediately lowering to her polished shoes: not a single thing in her appearance was out of place or recognizable.

It was almost as if she shrank in herself, to appear trivial and ordinary, just another human.

Whereas they both knew she wasn’t a simple human.

It took more than a simple human to get the Antichrist sleepless because he couldn’t fathom why somebody might hate herself like that.

-Mrs (L/N), how are you finding yourself at this humble house? – he asked, meanwhile he sat down in front of her, looking at the elegant desk where he had set down a little piece of paper and a pen, as if he intended to take notes, but with his side-eye he looked at her scrunched face, worried and a bit scared, but she soon found the voice to reply.

-… it is quite nice…- she raised a bit her head, and as if he had seen a ghost take over he face, she morphed into a smiling girl -… as nice as a post-apocalyptic shelter can be-.

Although he had to keep up his stern behavior, he let out mentally a laugh, and was surprised of that side of the girl, which quickly went back to the submissive tone she had started the interview with.

-… it is always nice to keep a positive note in places like this- he replied, sternly but he tried to let a bit of warmth linger in his tone -… and I saw that you are constantly helping your fellow survivors, whereas they aren’t so nice towards you…-.

He didn’t need to word the question, because she understood and, watching the rim of the desk, she answered:

-As you said there is need of nice people in places like that…- she mumbled, meanwhile twirling her finger around, sadly he also saw that there were some scratches on them, almost scars of self-harm, which he could link to her nails -… I don’t honestly understand why I was saved, just some men grabbing me because my genetical exam passed some tests-.

He had read in her files, something about her being indeed special in that department, alongside a long array of fractured bones and accidental cuts: he hadn’t been dumb enough not to realize that she was either extremely clumsy or there was something behind.

-… what about your family? – her family had also perished, according to her files, he already knew it, but he wanted to realize if anything in that department triggered something, but she just shook her head, revealing that she didn’t know what had happened to them, and only melancholic sadness shone in her eyes, but nothing which might show the aftermaths of an abuse -… what did you do before you were brought into the Outpost?-.

-I did actually different jobs- she scratched her hair, gently, as if she was trying to remember it all -… but my last employment was as a teacher for children with special need, and I was actually unemployed for three months after that-.

-Did you get fired or was it willingly…? – he had immediately seen the little shine in her eyes at the mention of her job, clearly she had liked her job and he could see by the way she hid in herself that he had hit a sore spot.

-I had a medical emergency and a familiar problem which made me quit- she said it in a way that asked to respect her and to avoid ask further questions.

But wasn’t the devil the one who gifted humankind curiousness?

-Care to explain more? -.

She had basically shrank in herself even more, her feet being on the chair, meanwhile her arms circled herself, as if she was ready to protect herself, her head ready to duck into her arms, in order to be protected by any kind of hitting her invisible assaulter might decide to do.

And there Michael had not the survivor anymore, just a scared little girl.

He had thought he would have somehow eradicated his sudden attraction for the girl with that image, but there was a softness in her and in him a will to protect her, to make her feel protected and to avenge her, that he thought that maybe soulmates existed.

-It was a car incident- she tried to lie, but her voice was shaky, exactly as her hands.

-… I would prefer that you didn’t lie to me, Mrs (L/N)- he remembered her, although he tried to word it as carefully as he could, with softness in his tone but also strength in his resistance and search of the truth -… I appreciate the truth as much as what comes with it-.

-I don’t think…- her voice broke halfway, and when it came back her eyes had finally raised to meet his -… I can’t-.

Tears now were flowing onto her cheeks and it pained him, in its deepest core.

-… you are safe, Mrs (L/N)- he comforted her, holding an hand out, not touching her, knowing it might trigger something in her, and she was thankful for it, shyly moving her hand towards it, but still not grabbing it -… I swear it-.

-… it was my ex-boyfriend- she finally let out, almost as a deep breath -… it is such a stupid thing to say, because I didn’t expect to be “that” girl… but it happened-.

And then she explained softly how she had met Christian, he had been sweet and nice with her, the perfect guy, but slowly he had shown the typical abuser signs, but she had been too blindly in love with him to react, and he had at first taken away her self-esteem.

“That skirt is too short, and even if you wanted to wear it, your legs look ugly in it. I don’t say this to be mean, but I want you to be better”.

Then it had been her friend.

“They said something bad about me, how can you stand that?! I thought you loved me” and slowly she broke away from her childhood friend, the college ones and the simple acquaintances of her work, but worst of all her family.

“They won’t support us… well… then we don’t need them! Those pompous assholes”.

And not only he had used manipulation but he had also gaslighted her into believing everything he said and each of his fault… was on her!

He had lost his job.

“It’s all your fault, you pathetic bitch, you wanted us to spend more time together and this happened!”.

He had once came back from a fight in a bar and meanwhile she had tried to clean his wound, he had grabbed her hand and twisted it, not hard enough for him to break her arm, but she had ugly bruises on the following day and although she brushed it off as any other insult he had thrown on his way, because “he would never hurt her”, she couldn’t help but be a bit scared.

He had come back with flowers and expensive wine (with her money, but she hadn’t been able to mention it) and had proclaimed that he had found a job.

She had thought it was only just a stupid and horrible period, and everything would be fine.

But it kept happening, whether or not Christian was employed, whether or not she did something to anger him, whether or not she cried and begged for mercy.

It never came.

Instead one time the ambulance had to bring her out of her home and for the first time in two years she met again with her mother.

The poor woman hadn’t slept after she had been called I the middle of the night about her daughter basically being an inch from death and being under a brain surgery since somebody had basically smashed her head against a wall.

Her mother had been extremely scared by the doctors who had adverted her that her daughter might not only wake up with no memory of her, but also no ability to speak hear or see.

“Brain injuries are very horrible and till the patient isn’t awake we can’t know, but she was lucky enough to arrive her and be alive, so let’s all pray that whoever rules our destiny that she will be fine” had mumbled a doctor to her mother who had religiously sit by her bed the entire time, and when she had woken up, she had her memories and faculty to speak and see, but a terrible headache.

Her mother had almost laughed when she had told her this, before starting crying and in that horrible moment she had realized she couldn’t go on, not because she cared about herself particularly but because she honestly couldn’t let the people who loved her be hurt.

Not when she knew they still cared about her, even because of this.

She hadn’t been able to confront Christian one last time, but she had indeed signed a restraint order towards him and she had moved with her parents again, finally hearing their laughs again, the teasing voice of your sister and the softness of nights spent in peace.

But sometimes things triggered her past memories, a noise too loud made her cower in herself, as if she had heard a scream or the simple crackling of bones remembered her of her own bones breaking and soon that apparent peace became another trap.

She started falling into a deep depression, feeling guilty both for what she was imposing onto her parents and both because she had been just so so stupid…

Nothing would have happened, had she been…

But the truth was that she couldn’t have done much more and could only focus on the fact that she had managed to escape him.

In those three months before the Apocalypse hit her, she had been falling down the rabbit hole, living also in fear of Christian coming back, and she knew that the Apocalypse should have just pushed her further, but secluded in that horrible shelter she had found herself again.

The voices in her head still screamed, but in that calm atmosphere, the nightmares quieted somehow…

… till Michael Langdon’s appearance shadowed hers.

He seemed so interested in her and she, an hurt animal, couldn’t help but run away and put herself down in front of him, scared that what happened with Christian might happen again with him, alongside her constant thoughts of being spoiled and rotten.

Damaged goods, as Christian called her.

-… I feel so sorry…- she couldn’t help but finish her entire story with those words -…I am sorry to have burdened you with these stupid things-.

And she moved to grab his hand, gently squeezing in, before ducking her head to the ground, ashamed by her sudden emotional outburst, but Michael gently squeezed her hand back, gaining her attention and a raise of her head.

-Mrs (L/N) or if you may, (Y/N), you are not a burden, in the slightest and I am actually the one who is sorry for bringing this all up, it wasn’t what I intended…-.

He couldn’t help but be heartbroken by her confession, it was the truest he had ever heard, a true human with a pure tormented soul: had he finally found someone who was worth the Sanctuary.

-How else would you know our darkest secrets? – she tried to lighten up the room, as she did so many times, alongside changing the subject, but he didn’t let her.

-… it was still… not my purpose to reduce you to tears- he gently brought out a handkerchief, offering it to her with the hand she wasn’t holding.

-Well… at least we now know that I won’t be heartbroken when I don’t make it in the Sanctuary- and it was too dark to brighten the affirmation or to laugh it up, but it also got to Michael’s head and before he knew it he had immediately jumped up from his chair.

-Why would you think that you won’t make it in Sanctuary- he could see the fear in her eyes, her head had indeed been ducked into her arms, but he had an hunch on why she might say something like that -… (Y/N)… you are the only one who has shown me a some truth, and for this you are the only interesting being in this Outpost-.

-I am spoiled goods, Mr Langdon- tears blurred her words, but Michael knew them and ach one hurt him.

-You aren’t in the slightest- his voice lowered an octave, in an attempt to seem calm, meanwhile he circled the desk in order to be closer to her, although he kept himself at a reasonable distance, crouching on the ground, at her feet -… you are a survivor, (Y/N), the brave and sweet woman I couldn’t help but admire, from the start of my staying at the Outpost. You are the only one I would think of bringing at the Sanctuary, a true pure soul, with a tormented past-.

-After Christian… I don’t know if I can…- she was scared he was demanding for more, which he wouldn’t.

So many people had taken too much from her and he wouldn’t ask her to give anything else, if not freely.

He would just wait till she would give anything to him.

For now, he just could live on the sweet smile that appeared on her face.

And the knowledge that Christian had perished horribly in one of his previous visits to the other Outposts…

-Now let’s talk about more merry themes, my lovely (Y/N)- he sweetened his tone and she giggled, a heavenly sound truly -What is your favorite dessert? -.

#michael langdon #michael langdon drabble #michael langdon blurb #michael langdon reader #michael langdon x reader #michael langdon fem reader #michael langdon x fem! reader #michael langdon story #michael langdon writing #michael langdon moodboard #tw abusive relationship #michael langdon one shot #michael langdon oneshot #duncan shepherd #duncan shepherd imagine #AHS #ahs apocalypse

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girlobsessed21 · 5 years

Text

The 100 6x12 discussion: Screw protocol and kill them all

My fingers hovered over the keyboard with nerves and you will see my prudence shine through in the post. Look, this is my favorite show, probably of all time, and this entire season has been an absolute doozy to experience. Then, I get to the penultimate episode and I suddenly feel off my game. Not sure if it’s the abundance of storylines happening at once, the few plot holes, Sheidheda or inconsistency, nonetheless, here’s my experience.

You can go back and read all my discussions from the trailer to 6x11 and I never wavered in my stance that Russel may have morals but he is a well-rounded baddie and the main villain of the season. Sure, we had Josephine and whether it’s Eliza and Sarah’s remarkable acting or the sociopath's substance, I’d love a spinoff series about her. It sure is a fruit salad when you add the monstrous commander to the mix, though I don’t expect that storyline to be resolved by next episode. Clarke never found the notebook and Raven seem to be struggling with his disengagement.

In line with the rest of the season, this is filled with the good, the bad and the beautiful. Russel vs Gabriel, Abby vs Simone, Emori vs Murphy, the devout vs nonbelievers and ultimately kill the few to save the many vs taking no lives at all.

Before all the gory details, I just have to say Eliza Taylor is out-and-out iconic. I cannot sing her praises enough with the shrewd way in which she fits into each character’s skin. The lucid distinction between Clarke and Josephine with her emotions surfacing in her ruse as the latter is exceptional.

In peace, you left this shore, Abby

If you follow my weekly posts, you’ll know my opinion on Abby is quite brutal. I’ve never liked her, perhaps a little in season one but she still caused her own husband’s death. Season after season, episode after episode my fury towards her grew exponentially and I was more than ready to say goodbye - until now.

Looking into your daughter’s eyes, knowing it’s not her must be soul-crushing. I felt it with Abby, Clarke and Delilah’s parents, which is why I completely understood her threatening Russel. A little tear escaped my own eyes when she cried for the loss of Clarke while Raven tried to comfort her.

Keeping her promise to her daughter, Abby turned herself into a nightblood to save Madi. This has to be one of her most heroic moments ever. I’m not sure if Kane’s final words or this instance bears the turning point in which her past mistakes catch up to her, either way, it’s appreciated. Albeit a strong callback to the Finn and Pike’s deaths.

She did not get a redemption arc but at least her sendoff included a final forgiving chapter.

Ugh, I wanted to punch the smugness from Russel’s face when he realized Abby will be the perfect candidate for his wife. But it came as no surprise, I suspected it.

Her moment with Jackson and the apology to Raven was delivered with such intimacy and poignancy that it provokes a chilling heartbreak when Russel plunges the needle into her neck. Not to mention the way her life flashed before her eyes as she fell to the ground. Paige Turco truly is an amazing actress and I’m curious to see her portrayal of the prime queen even if it’s just for one episode.

At least she had a beautiful, although short, reunion with Clarke.

One last thing I need to add, Raven’s humbleness this episode was more than welcome. I needed to hear that she acknowledges her judgmentalism as a flaw which requires resolve. A lot can be said on the topic, as I’ve done many times before, though I hope it holds up. Seeing such a strong and smart character in constant high-horse mentality is infuriating, to say the least.

To the glory and grace of the primes

Props to Emori, she has really grown into quite the benevolent character. I’ve always liked her, but throughout the entire series, she has only improved. From a scavenger to becoming Raven’s skilled apprentice and a loyal member of the Spacekru family. And if 6x08 wasn’t enough to lionize her, she refuses to play house with people who deems a threat to her and her friends.

All while, Murphy’s plan was to show Russel that they’re useful and on-board with being false gods. I thought he would try to find a way to save Echo but clearly being immortal is his first priority. Apart from asking nicely, he did nothing to protect his friends. Did he justify the decision in his mind? Where is the John Murphy I’ve come to love? Raven’s look at Murphy mirrored all of my own feelings on the matter.

I just have to add that both of them looked stunning when they emerged hand-in-hand as brother and sister. Emori’s dress, damn baby, she hot as hell.

Clarke, on the other hand, is more than resourceful by using Ryker as a bargaining chip. No pun intended. As a mother herself, she knows it’s the quintessential key to Priya’s compliance. And Echo’s attempt at stopping them - top-notch. But can someone please explain when they became friends because if my memory serves correctly, the last time they were together, Echo tried to kill her? Even if she defended her in 6x01, I wasn’t aware they are on hugging terms.

Raven’s perception of the primes as serial killers in royal robes couldn’t be more fitting.

Like I said last week, Gabriel reminds me so much of Monty. Perhaps Mr. Green was slightly stronger; he did kill his own mother when it was necessary. Though, it doesn’t compensate for the lack of Jordan, where is he? Being such an innocent yet brave member of the ensemble, I cannot help but take his absence personally. It’s slightly ridiculous in my opinion.

Anyway, the prince of peace is hellbent on putting a stop to namings day and instinctively changes the plan. Even if I enjoyed his “there is nothing more powerful than the truth” speech, facing a king singlehandedly is foolish. Unfortunately, his presence alerts Russel that the red sun trigger is a fluke. And I suppose unlike all the other heroes of this show, he’s never killed anyone with a gun before. Then again, would pulling that trigger have made any difference with Simone being alive?

Why did Russel not kill Gabriel though? Was it because Dr. Santiago brought his daughter back and gave them the privilege of immortality? Sorry, that part confused me.

Abby!Simone sure is a vision in white, wow but what a total self-centered biatch!!! At least Abby’s death blew the morality right back into Murphy. The two of them have always had a strong bond since he kept Clarke’s heart beating.

Poor Clarke though, seeing Madi bound and realizing her mother’s dead must have shattered her soul. That, right after seeing Bellamy and Echo in each other’s arms. My heart goes out to her still playing the role of Josephine with enough conviction to fool her parents. Our female lead is one strong woman, blaming the tears on her mother’s return and Gabriel’s betrayal.

Now, Madi being alive and well is a bit of a conundrum. Sheidheda said he’ll kill the girl if Raven continues. So, my guess is that he let her live since Raven’s tied up and he needs to wake the Wonkru army and they’re playing right into his hand.

Finally, that standoff ending between the primes threatening Madi and Gaia against Indra, Niyalah and the rest of the crew was supercharged. I’m still yelling, “No, this can’t be it!”

The calvary protocol adjusted

There’s nothing more fun to watch as the Blake’s on good terms. Man, I love it. Octavia being the supportive sibling even more so. And It seems like Bellamy is becoming quite the clown this season. If I’m not mistaken, “I told you she’d get it done,” was like his third joke. He’s always been my favorite, can’t help but smile when he graces my screen.

Fun stuff aside, death to primes.

Bellamy and Echo reunite. Clearly, he’s delighted to find her safe and sound after learning him she’s in trouble. I believe him to be more than guilt-ridden about abandoning her to save Clarke, even if it ultimately was the right choice. I hate to sound like a typical Bellarke shipper but if their relationship continues with no addressing the last three episodes, it would trigger grave blemishes in the storyline.

It’s degrading for Echo to idly accept her boyfriend’s dedication to another woman. And Bellamy has to face those conflicting feelings inside and make a choice; right now he has his cake and takes little nibbles when the hunger strikes badly.

Of course there’s no time right now. It doesn’t have to happen right away or even in this season, yet it can’t simply be ignored. The looks on both Clake and Octavia’s faces suggest they're less than pleased with the intimate embrace.

Moving on, his inspirational declaration of the truth took me right back to season one. The man sure has a way of influencing the masses. Sadly, Russel’s had a bomb of his own which causes one hell of an outbreak for those without anti-toxin and Priya’s death by the hand of Delilah’s mom.

Convenient how there just happened to be a lockable storage unit nearby which Echo knew about. Was it one of her hideouts? And won’t they have to kill all the believers anyway once they break down those doors? Guess we’ll find out next week.

I can’t believe there’s only one episode left, I’m already dreading the hiatus. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts! May we meet again next week.

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