#so i guess ill always see flaws in my art no matter how hard i try to get better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bosskie · 14 days

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Molluck Pixel Thing 2

Man, drawing this was yet another ride... I just felt like that I really gotta learn to draw in a more realistic way (= photorealism) in order to make my art look better. So, I wanted to try out drawing a realistic pixel portrait about Molluck. I had to adjust and edit this so many times that it almost triggered a mental breakdown... Just started to feel like I should quit art, hating myself for loving Molluck, just felt like hating my own creations, that I shouldn't even be a part of this community... That feeling made me cry, just felt so awful... Once, my mind made me unable to think about Molluck for a day, made him leave my mind... I just don't wish my mind to take him away from me, it would make me feel so empty...

I feel unsure about this but this has less flaws than the previous pixel Molluck thing, so I guess that it's time to change avatar too, even I feel like this doesn't look good as an avatar... I just keep feeling like there is always something wrong in my art but I'm not skilled enough to fix those flaws... Man, why must Molluck be so hard to draw... Been drawing for almost 3 years only this Gluk and still feel like I don't know how to draw him... Frankly, it depresses me but I'm trying not to give up even it comes to my mind almost every day. It felt like the only thing that made me stop me hating myself for loving Molluck was how much I do love him and how it would make him feel bad... Sometimes, I just think that why he would even love me or more like how he would start loving me since love needs no reasons... I haven't said this clearly but yes, I self-ship myself with Molluck and I wanna keep that stuff to myself, just like my NSFW Molluck stuff. I do have my own story for my self-ship, though I'm not totally sure about it, mostly just because I'm not sure how Molluck would have started to love me... It's just so difficult to see myself as someone to love, just anything lovable in me... But despite of this, thru him I'm able to have some self-love, tell myself that all the awful things I think about myself ain't true, that I shouldn't end this all...

I know that I should say that I'm sorry for having severe mental health issues but I still feel sorry... I just don't wanna pretend and Molluck just relates so closely to my mental health... It feels like I don't really feel like doing anything with my life but creating all this Molluck stuff is a pleasant way to waste/spend my time. I don't want any pity, just hope that my existence here doesn't ruin things, that I'm open about this long ass hell I'm going thru inside my head every single day... I'm just so tired... Feel like caring about things less and less...

I don't know how to end this post... This Gluk is just so important to me... It's interesting that our brains don't seem to care about if the one we love is 'real' or fictional. It's just not easy to find words for my thoughts but it just feels like my life would lost the last sense it makes to me if my mind took Molluck away from me... Also, sometimes, I just feel like everyone could draw Molluck better than me, just every single person in this world... I know, my ill mind can make me feel like irrational things are the truth, even I know that it's not the truth, but those lies still feel so real... But this feeling is just one of those reasons why I feel like quiting doing art, feeling like I could be easily replaced, nothing I draw is special, there is just no reasons to continue doing bad 'art' since I cannot draw in reality... I don't even really feel like calling myself an artist but a creator... But despite of these feelings, I still continue creating stuff since I just wanna create stuff, no matter how bad my stuff looks. I also just need more Molluck content... Frankly, I can admit that I'm kinda addicted to some of my Molluck content... Um, I guess that I can admit that all animations I have done about Molluck, both in 2D and in 3D (minus my Molluck game sprites), are NSFW content... I have been thinking about doing animations that I can also show but well, at least I have learned to get better in 3D animations, like I just found out camera stuff in Blender! I recently also felt like hating myself for spending so much effort on those animations... I just cannot help myself that all I want is that Gluk, my ill mind must just accept it.

I know that this can be odd but I cannot help this... This is my situation, this is what I love.

#molluck #oddworld molluck #molluck the glukkon #oddworld #art like a bosskie

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agent-cupcake · 3 years

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Can I ask your opinion? So, I feel like everyone into 3H is in love with Dimitri, but I can't connect with him. I don't dislike him, but I feel like there isn't much to his personality without all his various mental health issues. It's hard to get a feel on what he's really like, so I end up just seeing him as a walking ball of trauma and not a three-dimensional character. Do you have any thoughts on Dimitri himself and how to separate him as a person from his psychological issues? Thanks!

Hmm, I guess my first thought is that everyone resonates with characters differently and so if you don’t particularly feel connected to him, that’s not wrong. Fictional parasocial relationships are very similar to real-life relationships, so it follows that nobody is going to like every character. I can’t say that a portion of my love for his character doesn’t come from his mental issues because that’s something I personally relate to and feel drawn to in others. That’s just who I am and how I build relationships. There is also something to be said for the unavoidable way mental illness informs a person’s behavior and character, it’s as much an aspect of them as being born with blond hair or losing an eye.

That said, I will do my best to explain why I think Dimitri is wonderful. Not in spite of his mental illness, but because I don’t think that’s all he is.

So, Dimitri is, as he says, a very clumsy person. This unfortunately extends to his social skills. He has a lot of very socially awkward tendencies and a general lack of self-awareness. This contrasts with his innate desire to please people, or at least avoid upsetting anyone. The thing is, Dimitri doesn’t always completely understand what upsets people or how exactly they might feel. His childhood isolation left him rather emotionally unaware and desperate for the acceptance and approval of others. That’s not to say he doesn’t try to understand other people’s feelings, but it’s not an intuitive process. He has a habit of saying kind of dumb or uncomfortable things out of nowhere, which is most likely his real feelings coming out in rather inept ways. He means well, but he’s just so dang clumsy.

The desperation to be included and validated I mentioned, I think, can be seen in the way he tries so hard to make the other Blue Lions see him as a peer and equal all the while keeping himself rather closed off from them. Dimitri approaches conversations as a means of focusing on the other person, trying to make an appeal to them rather than as an interaction where both parties could be seen as vulnerable. Of course, just like most other socially awkward introverts, he opens up when he feels closer to the person, but that takes a while. Gotta unlock the supports, you know? Although it’s not necessarily obvious, his incredibly stiff behavior (especially pre-timeskip) and the way he switches between overly formal and awkwardly friendly in his interactions with people as he tries to figure out how to socially and emotionally navigate relationships really gives me the impression of someone trying desperately to fit in without even the faintest clue of how to actually manage that. He also does his best to avoid social situations, which, mood. Basically, Dimitri’s a big dumb massive introvert trying to act like he’s not.

FURTHERMORE, he is a dork. An absolute goof of a person. Dimitri canonically thinks so-bad-its-good puns and jokes are hilarious. His own style of telling jokes is saying things that may or may not have contextual humor in a normal voice and then claiming after the fact that he intended it as such. Now, his supports with Alois are absolute factual proof of the so-bad-its-good humor, but might I also direct your attention to the scene before the battle against Miklan in Conand Tower (the event name is “Tower in a Storm (Blue Lions)”). Basically, Gilbert is explaining the history behind Conand Tower and Dimitri says, in an incredibly earnest voice, “You’re very well informed, Gilbert. Please, tell us more.” This is a joke. Supposed to be, at least. The delivery is somewhat emphasized, but not in a recognizably sarcastic way. Gilbert, who knew Dimitri very well when he was young, realizes it’s a joke after a second. But there are other things Dimitri says that I believe are his bad “jokes” and since nobody knows him well enough to tell, they don’t call him on it. There’s no proof, but his line in the Lord’s intro where he says, “And here I thought you were acting as a decoy for the sake of us all.” to Claude has to be an attempt at sarcasm. Dimitri is oblivious, but not stupid. In his Goddess Tower conversation with Byleth, when discussing the topic of wishes, he says, “Perhaps it would make more sense for me to wish that we’ll be together forever. What do you think?” In a completely normal voice. Following are two speech bubbles of “...” before he laughs and proclaims that it’s just a joke and that he’s getting better at telling them. Now, this is a two-parter because I see this as both his horribly awkward tendency to say things he feels without thinking too hard beforehand as well as his silly deadpan style of “jokes”. Granted, he does apologize. Dimitri’s got socially awkward zoomer humor. It’s endearing.

Here is a video of Dimitri hitting on Byleth pre-timeskip. I’m not sure how far it goes to endear someone to him, but the mostly awkward and occasionally smooth attempts of Dimitri’s flirtations are absolutely a highlight of his character.

Now, this isn’t quite as cute as all that, but I think character arc and change do a lot for making a character feel more three-dimensional. Dimitri is hypocritically selfish. Although those are both negative terms, I don’t necessarily mean them as such, at least not in their totality. Both are things to overcome, which he does. And that’s why I feel like they’re a valid point of discussion when trying to explain the allure of his character.

The hypocritical part comes from the way he easily allows and forgives the flaws of others while constantly castigating himself for the same reasons. He says things that show an absurd amount of a lack of self-awareness. For example, he tells Edelgard, “Hm. You will prove a lacking ruler yourself if you look for deceit behind every word and fail to trust those whom you rely on.” All the while straight-up lying to and emotionally avoiding his friends. Dimitri also tells Marianne, when she is punishing herself for putting other people at risk, “What matters is that they came back safely in the end. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that.” Really, his C and B with Marianne is an exercise in hypocrisy. The standards Dimitri has for himself are incredibly, unattainably high. He’s setting himself up for failure in that way and, to an extent, knows what he’s doing because he knows that those same standards are too much for his friends and allies to meet. He wishes to take on everything himself. But, what I find so beautiful about this, is that Dimitri eventually realizes that he can’t do that. He is not strong enough to take on the weight of the world on himself, he comes to understand that it’s something he must allow himself to share with the people who care about him. He comes to realize that, as difficult as it is to accept, he is a weak person. Despite all of his introversion and inability to emotionally open up, he figures out that having a support system and allowing yourself to rely on people who love you is a necessity. Personally, I think this message is incredibly important in real life. Watching Dimitri come to that conclusion and argue it’s importance really rounded out his arc and journey as a person. Now, the relatability of this conclusion will differ, but I don’t think it has to do with his mental illness as much as it is a fundamental aspect of growth.

The selfishness is basically outlined above. Dimitri is selfish about his pain and secrets, purposefully and selfishly driving people away because he wants to keep the burden to himself. His vice is guilt and he indulges in the pain of it like an addiction. Hatred, too, is a drug. He thinks he needs it to keep going, even though all it does is bring agony to himself and others around him. Learning to accept and let go of these feelings is, again, something I think is important and a character arc that I really love, especially when you see him suffer as much as he does. Now, the execution of this is lacking, I admit. But that’s an issue for another time I think.

I am not quite sure if I did much to change your opinion, but this is all I can think of for now. There is probably a lot more than I’ve left out because I think about Dimitri far too much to be healthy. So, I’ll leave you off with some honorable mention aspects of his character that I think are super fun:

Pre-timeskip Dimitri has his hair tucked behind his ear. He can lift a wagon by himself. In the DLC, when faced with an impossible-to-open gate, it was not muscle man Balthus who said he couldn’t open it, but twinkish teen Dimitri. He’s not really smooth with one-liners. Like, at all. Notably, when attacking Manuela post-timeskip, he says, “Perhaps I should have appeared before you holding a bouquet of flowers, rather than the weapon that will end your life.” Adding to this, at one point, Dimitri fucked up a pick-up line so badly the girl came after him. Areadbhar has a mitten on it in the Azure Moon final picture. He breaks everything. His Crest activation ability even supports this, using twice the durability of any given Combat Art. One of his post-timeskip counselor messages is, “I lived in the slums for a long time, and I saw how the people there suffered from poverty and the ravages of war. There must be something I can do to save them." His room in the academy is right next to Sylvain’s, meaning that for almost an entire year Dimitri was a single wall away from hearing whatever nonsense Sylvain was getting up to. Dimitri is the only Lord that takes the throne and doesn’t abandon his people in some form or another.

And, finally, he is pretty sexy. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #fe dimitri #dimitri #fire emblem three houses #FE3H #Anonymous

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moonwaif · 3 years

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So I've been thinking about some CQL crossover ships for Xie Wang, and one of them is XieWang/Lan Xichen. Long post with headcanons under the cut.

Also, like. I guess all of these take place within a xianxia/cultivation universe? More high fantasy than the universe of SHL. And none of this is based on novel universe for either fandom--both are strictly SHL and CQL universes.

Xie Wang/Lan Xichen (aka Zewu-jun can have a murder boyfriend, as a treat.)

The Dynamic.

First off . . . there’s no age gap. Both of them are adults. I’m not sure how old either of them are exactly in their respective canons, but. I just want to make that clear.

Both have been deceived/manipulated by people they care about. Interpret it how you want to interpret it, but they gravely misunderstood one of the most important people in their lives and paid the price for it.

The, "No matter what you've done, I can't kill you" one is dating the "But I can!" one.

Also, like? Pipa and xiao jam sessions? Matching outfits? Sign me tf up.

The early stages.

I’m not sure how they would meet. Perhaps Xie Wang is on an undercover mission in Gusu. Meanwhile, Lan Xichen has finally left seclusion so that his brother can go on a honeymoon with the Yiling Laozu.

When Lan Xichen and Xie Wang meet, I think it would be nice for there to be instant attraction. This can be on a physical level, but also on an intellectual level. They both have silver tongues, are intuitive, and are excellent communicators. I think these two kings would recognize that in one another just after one interaction.

However, they don’t trust each other. Xie Wang is probably operating under some kind of alias. Lan Xichen is more guarded now. I’m sure he still wants to believe the best of people, but life has scarred him. He feels like Xie Wang may be hiding something. Xie Wang, meanwhile, thinks Lan Xichen is just “too good to be true.” Someone with such a peerless reputation must be corrupt on the inside. I mean, just look at the Venerated Triad and how they ended up. Could the only surviving sworn brother really be THAT good?

But as time goes on, they see more sides of each other. It gets harder and harder to believe the worst about the other person. Xie Wang probably falls first, and falls hard. He likes Lan Xichen’s balanced outlook on life, his willingness to overlook rumor and reputation and make his own judgments on a person’s character. In an unguarded moment, Lan Xichen might imply that this has been one of his flaws or weaknesses in the past. Xie Wang just smiles at him and says it’s a strength. (Lan Xichen’s heart flutters, but so what? He doesn’t feel like he can trust his heart yet.)

Anyway, back to Xie Wang. He is impressed by Lan Xichen’s acceptance of Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian--particularly considering Wei Wuxian’s less than pristine background. I think there is a lot of good material here for some intimate conversations in which Xie Wang asks Lan Xichen about his opinion of Wei Wuxian, but he’s not actually talking abou Wei Wuxian--he’s really asking about himself.

The ordeal of being Known.

Nevertheless, Xie Wang doesn’t completely trust Lan Xichen yet, and he’s terrified of what will happen when Lan Xichen finds out who he is, but . . . Xie Wang still cares about him. He enjoys Lan Xichen’s company. He craves Lan Xichen’s praise and attention, and resents anyone who tries to steal it away. He wants their time together to last as long as possible. And inevitably, he wants to do whatever he can to help Lan Xichen succeed in his goals. Which, to Xie Wang’s surprise, have less to do with personal gain and more to do with making a positive impact on the cultivation world. As more time passes, it gets harder and harder for Xie Wang to play it cool and hold his cards to his chest.

Lan Xichen is touched by Xie Wang’s earnesty, enthusiasm and loyalty. It softens his heart. He finds himself growing fond of Xie Wang’s company, looking forward to his visits, indulging in conversations about music and art and calligraphy and politics. At the same time, he witnesses instances of violence and cruelty from Xie Wang that disturb him. It reminds him of Jin Guanyao--the red flags that in the past Lan Xichen either rationalized or ignored. It puts Lan Xichen in this awkward position of growing closer to Xie Wang, opening up to him, only to pull back suddenly. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Xie Wang, of course, doesn’t really know what’s going on in Lan Xichen’s head. Fortunately, he’s perceptive. As he does more digging into Lan Xichen’s past, he probably puts two and two together and realizes that Lan Xichen is trying to protect his own heart. However, he’ll also wonder if Lan Xichen knows more than he’s letting on--if he is perhaps aware of Xie Wang’s true identity, and that’s why he won’t open up to him. Or perhaps it’s just Xie Wang’s personal flaws. He’s always been too impulsive, too selfish, too distracting. Someone of Lan Xichen’s calibre may find these characteristics distasteful.

I actually think Lan Xichen may put the pieces together and begin to suspect Xie Wang’s true identity. If Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are around, they would probably do the same and accelerate this realization. However, I am not sure that Lan Xichen would act immediately on it. He may instead try to give Xie Wang opportunities to come forward with the truth on his own.

Xie Wang will dodge all of these opportunities like “lol nope.”

Cat’s out of the bag.

Anyway, after lots of like. Cute moments, and moments of camaraderie, and moments of yearning and angst, things finally come to a head. Perhaps Lan Xichen finds himself caught up in a scheme that involves the Scorpion and a rival group. Xie Wang ends up having to take Lan Xichen captive in order to protect him. In this moment, Lan Xichen is able to see another side of Xie Wang--one that he’s only caught glimpses of before. Xie Wang is cold, domineering, calculating, and cruel. It’s sexy but also terrifying. Lan Xichen hardens his own expression and is quite distant to Xie Wang, which of course just breaks Xie Wang’s heart. But Xie Wang can’t show it just yet, not while they are still surrounded by onlookers. It wouldn’t be wise to reveal any weaknesses to those who are constantly at the ready to take advantage of any vulnerable bits.

As soon as Xie Wang can find a moment to be alone with Lan Xichen (truly alone, with no spies or eavesdroppers), he would sit down and speak honestly with him. He tells Lan Xichen that he harbors no ill intentions towards him or the Lan sect (or perhaps he does, at least with concern to the latter--it’s up to how complicated you imagine this kind of AU). And against his better judgment, the more Lan Xichen hears . . . the more he finds himself believing Xie Wang. In fact, he’s relieved that they can finally reach this point of honesty with each other.

Lan Xichen is terrified he’s making a mistake, but . . . he wants to believe Xie Wang. He wants to believe him so, so badly. After some difficult conversations and lots of promises exchanged between them, Lan Xichen relents.

Xie Wang is just absolutely delighted to the point of tears. All of his softness and sweetness comes back.

From this point on, I think we can see a power couple at work. Both of them are intuitive, intelligent and nuanced. They can work together to solve whatever scheme is happening. Collaborating brings them closer, honestly.

Xie Wang is reluctant to let Lan Xichen go, but does so. (He’s mostly worried about Lan Xichen’s safety.)

(If you want to make things really painful, you could have Lan Xichen temporarily reject Xie Wang. This would probably be motivated by Lan Xichen’s past experiences, when he continued to support and defend Jin Guangyao despite all evidence to the contrary. Terrified of making the same mistake--of letting people he cares about become hurt because of a temporary lack of judgment--might actually lead him to betray Xie Wang and reveal his true identity to the Lan clan. This would lead to a temporary and very angsty “break up” arc. The irony could be that Lan Xichen actually regrets NOT trusting Xie Wang or supporting him down the road. I would like to see something like this culminate in Xie Wang being injured/narrowly escaping a dangerous confrontation with an enemy, and Lan Xichen rescuing him, holding him close, and whispering, “I’m sorry.” GOD Xie Wang would just fall apart. The hurt/comfort potential. My word.)

Hurt/comfort potential.

At some point, Xie Wang might be injured or suffer some kind of loss. Perhaps he went after someone who was a threat to Lan Xichen in some way, and got himself in a pickle. He makes it out, but is the worse for wear. Lan Xichen, who is normally so polite and intentional with his words, finds himself losing his temper. How could Xie Wang make such a rash decision? Isn’t he supposed to be the Scorpion King for a reason?

These words push Xie Wang over the edge. He snaps back that yes, he knows he’s reckless--that he’s too impulsive--too demanding--that he’s always letting his emotions get the best of him, again and again. But he was scared for Lan Xichen. What was he supposed to do, just sit back and bear it?

Lan Xichen’s anger dissipates. He consoles Xie Wang, tells him that he’s not any of those things. Xie Wang is shocked speechless. He’s even more shocked when Lan Xichen admits he was wrong for speaking harshly and asks for Xie Wang’s forgiveness. “It was only that seeing you in this state unnerved me. I would not want any harm to come to you on my account. I’m sorry.”

Xie Wang melts.

Xie Wang drinks vinegar.

Being together means that Xie Wang and Lan Xichen are more intimate. They are moving physically closer, becoming more familiar with one another’s spaces. Xie Wang is very greedy for this closeness, and probably starts to become a little possessive about the things in Lan Xichen’s room. Keeping things tidy, adding decorations, sorting through things, etc.

Anyway, one day he comes across Jin Guangya’s hat by accident.

“Gege :+) who’s hat is this? :+)”

He begins to engage in a recurring fantasy where he slices the hat to pieces.

It’s just that, well. Xie Wang is intensely jealous of Jin Guangyao’s hat. He is intensely jealous of Jin Guangyao’s memory. Just hearing his name is enough to make Xie Wang lose it a little on the inside, like, “Not this b**** again.” But on the outside he is very calm.

Most of the time.

Look. It’s already hard enough knowing that someone like Xie Wang, the leader of a shady group of assassins, will probably never be accepted as a suitable partner for Lan Xichen. And this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He’s been used before by Zhao Jing, the person who was supposed to be his yifu, the person who kept Xie Wang in the dark and only brought him into the light when it was useful. So Xie Wang can’t help but feel nervous that Lan Xichen will just want to keep him in the dark, too. Like logically, he knows Lan Xichen wouldn’t do that. Lan Xichen is a better person than that, he wouldn’t take advantage of anyone in that way, especially not Xie Wang! Lan Xichen cares about Xie Wang! But Xie Wang also knows he’s miscalculated in the past. He can’t help the nugget of uncertainty that weasels its way in.

You can play this up as angsty if you want, or you can play it for comedy. Maybe Lan Xichen receives a gift from a potential suitor. Xie Wang sees it and asks who it’s from. On his best day, he smiles calmly and says something like, “How elegant and thoughtful. I know just the place to put this.” (That place is the trash.) On his worst day, he wines and says, “How tacky! Gege, why do you continue to even meet with that old cow?”

Lan Xichen is exceptionally understanding and patient, although he does need to set some firm boundaries from time to time.

Jin Guangyao causes drama from beyond the grave.

Eventually Xie Wang is going to have a very off-day. And on this off-day, he talks about a topic that he should definitely have avoided, which is Jin Guangyao.

Basically, Xie Wang is not going to understand why Lan Xichen feels guilty for what happened to Jin Guangyao. Or rather, he does not believe that Lan Xichen SHOULD feel guilty. And he tells Lan Xichen this, very insistently. Lan Xichen, who has been coping through the good ole Lan technique of Repress And Don’t Express, becomes frustrated. His frustration builds when Xie Wang basically says that no matter what Jin Guangyao may have suffered, he shouldn’t have betrayed Lan Xichen--that Jin Guangyao even deserves what happened to him (and perhaps Xie Wang believes this last part, or perhaps he’s just being petty--it’s up to you). Lan Xichen almost loses his temper--almost. But then he just. Shuts down, completely. Like very coldly and calmly says something to the effect of, “I expected you of all people to understand me. I see I was mistaken. Excuse me.” And just. Leaves.

Xie Wang is a MESS. Honestly he would have preferred being yelled at. This calm reaction is disconcerting and makes him worry that he’s lost Lan Xichen for good. He’s also shocked at himself for being so purposefully wilful and obstinate. He was trying to be good!!

Making up.

Instead of pulling away, Xie Wang waits an appropriate amount of time for things to settle (lmao like 12 hours), then shows right back up acting like nothing ever happened. He’s very talkative and sweet, chatting peacefully about unrelated topics. He probably flits about the room, straightening this and that, then perches beside Lan Xichen. His heart sinks when he sees Lan Xichen’s expression.

Xie Wangs cautiously begins speaking. “About yesterday . . . I shouldn’t have contradicted you. I was being difficult and impetuous. Gege, please forgive me.”

And like, what is Lan Xichen supposed to do with that? Say “no”? Lmao.

Fortunately, Lan Xichen has taken some time to self-reflect. He’s a bit dismayed that he continues to act out of character with Xie Wang. Normally, he is so good at maintaining his composure. With Xie Wang, however, he continues to get caught up in his own feelings until he fumbles.

Anyway, Lan Xichen actually takes this opportunity to reflect and open up to Xie Wang about his friendship with Jin Guangyao. He tells him about what happened between him and his sworn brothers, where he believes he made mistakes, how he wishes things would have worked out differently. He also says that he sees it as a weakness of his own that even now, he isn’t able to completely blame Jin Guangyao. It’s not like this is Xie Wang’s first time hearing about any of this, but it IS his first time hearing the information directly from Lan Xichen.

Xie Wang takes his hand and says that kind of loyalty and kindness is what makes Lan Xichen dear to him, and is its own type of wisdom. Lan Xichen doesn’t completely agree with this assessment, but he doesn’t argue against it, either. He merely asks Xie Wang if there is anything else he’d like to know.

Xie Wang is a bit hesitant. Without meeting Lan Xichen’s gaze, he observes that Jin Guangyao and Lan Xichen were very close. He wants to know what place Jin Guangyao still occupies in Lan Xichen’s heart.

To be continued . . .

(Lol I ran out of steam for a minute)

#xie wang #lan xichen #the untamed #word of honor #shl #woh #cql #shan he ling #chen qing ling #xie'er #implied past xiyao #sort of?

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gumdrop-holiday · 3 years

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about to start ✨college✨

and honestly, i know for a fact im about to find out how Not Smart i am.

how meaningless the gifted classes and high praise when i was eleven matters. how my college reading level at eight doesn’t matter because in college everyone has a college reading level.

and guess what?

im kinda really f r e a k i n g excited !!!

it is so GOOD to Not Be Good At Things!!!

culture has raised us that if you can’t profit off doing something, it is not worth doing. that if you are not The Best, you are not worth the talent.

personally, im not good at not being good at things. i get discouraged, i get anxious, i get self conscious bc i concern myself with other people seeing me put -ew- effort into something.

But that is the opposite of the way it should be!!! No one really knows what they’re doing!! There will *always* be someone who is better than you, and you will *always* be better than someone else. Challenging hobbies are usually the ones you learn the most from pursuing, and pure contentment and satisfaction follow. Your passion for the talent or skill or hobby should derive from how it makes you feel.

do you feel like you’ve expressed your exact emotions w that drawing/painting? have you articulated exactly the idea you were attempting to get across in what you’ve written? not for other people, but for you, do you look at your art and feel a warm glow of pride and accomplishment and just plain happiness knowing you did that. you did that and you liked it, maybe loved doing that, and it made you feel safe and seen and heard, and of course it has flaws but so does quite literally everything else, it’s the flaws of the world we live in, you can’t escape them, we must learn to thrive in them.

we have to learn.

we have to learn how to be bad at things.

i have mixed feelings about kickball bc im so bad at it. so bad. doesn’t matter how good of a coach you are, i can barely manage to make contact w the ball, much less aim it to the area of the field you want me to make it go towards. idrk when to run bc sometimes i go to second and they say go back to first and other times my team is screaming RUN !

anyways.

im v bad.

but i usually enjoy playing! i play w my friends and at camps and in pe at school and, yeah, im the worst, but that is just a fact of the matter? a point of intrigue? im still smiling and laughing at myself through the game, and my teammates are snickering and shaking their heads thinking im so naive i can’t see how embarrassed i should be when really What’s There To Be Embarrassed About???

the point of sports is to stay active in a fun way, to bring people together, and teach hard work and the value of various talents coming together towards a singular goal. and competition is fine, and yeah, obvi, if you want to be good at your hobby, go for it, you’re gonna rock, but my whole point to this long drawn out soapbox speech is that it is O K to be bad at things and still enjoy them, participate in them, talk about them, learn about them, and be open about them in front of others.

when i start my first semester of college in a week im hoping to encourage my fellow freshmen to not be afraid to not know things. bc ya know, it’d be a pretty big waste to pay for classes if you already knew the material! this is a hundred percent a message to myself.

im trying to not put my worth in my grades, in my classroom performance, in my intelligence. bc there will always be someone smarter and ill always be smarter than someone. that’s how life works.

i just wanna like who i am, i just don’t wanna hate myself and feel lost in my own mind.

you are not just Allowed to be bad at things, you are beautiful when you’re bad at things, you are the proof and encouragement of life when you’re bad at things, and always always always you are more worthy of existing than you’ll ever know, especially when you’re bad at things.

#college #college freshman #selfworth #sports #art #writings #just don’t wanna hate myself #i just woke up and this was on my mind #spent my whole life being told i was #smart #now i think that’s all i am #and if im not im a failure #but seriously #how screwed up is that #no #you are worthy #be bad at things #embrace and enjoy being bad at things

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lorei-writes · 3 years

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Match-Up #19

@cheese-ception, your time has come! *insert eternal flame*

Hmm... Well then, given how their public personas seem rather contradictory of each other, I would guess it would be something alike to hiding behind a mask of jokes and confidence and perhaps having interests alike to those of Yoshimoto? Regardless, both of them do share the tendency to self-sacrifice. They also think that they may die at any moment and so, must live to the fullest in the moment (whether it would mean indulging in art or simply choosing not to have regrets). I presume that it could perhaps indicate that a calm partner with a soothing presence would be a good idea? Somebody level enough to bring logic into play when feelings take control?

Mitsuhide (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Shingen (+1)

Only one? Hmm... But which? Eh, leaving me with such a hard task and making me choose, cruel, I say, cruel... Well then, you’re very smart in regards to humans, as in, understanding why they may act a certain way. It may not make it any easier to apply to yourself, though. I would also like to note that in case of a partner being in need of support, I wouldn’t be surprised if you hid your needs for the time being - or to have decided to take care of them completely on your own, had the suitor been in constant need of emotional support.

Nobunaga (-1) Mitsuhide (-1) Hideyoshi (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Ieyasu (+1) Kenshin (-1) Shingen (+1)

Loyalty is truly a treasured quality, indeed. I presume it would be particularly appreciated by those who had to always stay vigilant or lack stability in their lives.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (+1) Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Oh, being determined to reach your goals? That’s awesome... However, as you’ve pointed out - it’s equally important to know when to give up. As such, I’d perhaps go forward with suitors who would be able to stop your drive a little. If that was impossible, I’d at least advise against those who’d think similarly, as not to amplify it.

Nobunaga (-1) Hideyoshi (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Masamune (-1) Kenshin (+1) Yukimura (-1)

Secrets? Hm... I can see how being able to keep those could be treasured by suitors who fear showing any weakness. I presume that those who need to gather information and employ the art of espionage could appreciate it too.

Mitsuhide (+1) Ieyasu (+1) Masamune (+1) Shingen (+1)

Ahh, cooking! Well, I suppose it can be either a shared interest of... A way of forcing others to take care of themsleves?

Mitsuhide (+1) Mitsunari (+1) Masamune (+1)

I am surprised negative self-image did not make it on the list... But, I am not adding anything to it, no-no-no. :3 Deal with having technically used only 4/5 points, sweets. *evil laughter*

I presume that suitors who are at least somewhat fluent in emotion could be a good idea to counter both anxiety and depression. It may not make matters any better, but at least the chances of them worsening it are lower. Then, to target anxiety in particular, I would perhaps look towards very honest and genuine characters. However, I would also like to point out that they perhaps should not be too spontaneous - it may not be a necessarily bad thing, but being presented with stability from the very beginning may be soothing. Lastly, I suppose that understanding suitors may be a good choice.

Nobunaga (-2) Hideyoshi (+3) Mitsunari (+4) Kenshin (-2) Shingen (+2) Yukimura (+2) Kennyo (+2)

Chronic illness is hard to deal with, indeed. I presume that a lifestyle that isn’t too intense may be preferable. I suppose that a reliable partner would be necessary too. Now, I don’t think they’d necessarily have to know how to do everything... But then, they should be creative enough to solve the issue without relying on their significant other. Another thing to note: I suppose that it may be best if the other person did not experience severe health problems.

Nobunaga (+1) Mitsuhide (-2) Hideyoshi (+2) Mitsunari (+2) Ieyasu (+2) Kenshin (-1) Kennyo (+2) Now, since it happened for the second time: if a character does not appear in a list, but meets criteria for it? It’s because they scored equal number of positive and negative points, hence ending with a zero. They were not omitted.

To counter the third listed point (being better at taking care of yourself when somebody reminds you to and shows effort towards it at first), I presume we could just... List the characters who do that.

Hideyoshi (+1) Masamune (+1) Yukimura (+1)

As for the last point... Since it happened only two times in 34 years of your life, I suppose it may be negligeable. Even though I have an odd feeling that Nobunaga could trigger that. Hm.

1st Summary:

Mitsunari (+10) Hideyoshi (+9) Shingen (+5) Ieyasu (+4) Kennyo (+4) Masamune (+3) Yukimura (+2) Nobunaga (-2) Kenshin (-3)

I’m afraid I’m not a favourite of any of the warlords, so I cannot distribute any points for the last mentioned thing, haha. As for the remaining ones:

Mitsuhide (+2) - treating people as equals, lifting others up Hideyoshi (+1) - lifting others up, treating people as equals, but also: telling others what to do Mitsunari (+2) - treating people as equals, lifting others up Masamune (+2) - as above^ Shingen (+3) - as above ^ + he could like candied ginger - and he definitely would share the sweets.

Points distributed for dislikes:

Nobunaga (-1) - causing situations that could have been avoided (and were not, partially because of his ego) Ieyasu (-3) - at first he judges MC based on assumptions, some situations could have been avoided if it were not for his stubbornness, he tries to change MC at first Masamune (-2) - he may at times go into risky situations that could otherwise be avoided (whether it makes sense depends on perspective, I suppose), he at first tires to change MC

All suitors would be delivered positive points for standing in opposition of disrespecting people based on arbitrarty criteria, such as status - and as such, no points were given out based on this dislike

2nd Summary:

Mitsunari (+12) Hideyoshi (+10) Shingen (+8) Kennyo (+4) Masamune (+3) Mitsuhide (+2) Yukimura (+2) Ieyasu (+1) Nobunaga (-3) Kenshin (-3)

Only characters with positive value by their names will be considered in the last stages of the match-up.

Yukimura (+2) - may seem too juvenile Shingen (+8) - I presume that his way of trying to get close to MC borders coercion (he presents their chats an an opportunity to gain data, but truly, it’s a sneaky tactic to get her attention and time)

It seems none of the remaining warlords would meet any of the listed pet peeves.

It does not help at all, but you get sparkle points for being cute, yes.

Sparkle points: +100

It seems they’ve shown themselves out by now, haha.

Final Ranking

Mitsunari (+12) Hideyoshi (+10) Kennyo (+4)

Mitsunari

Confessed first: You - and only then did he realise that the emotion he was experiencing was just that, love.

Makes tea in the morning: You.

Hogs blankets at night: You.

Is the little spoon: You, most of the time.

Possible points for conflict: Mitsunari has a strong tendency to overwork himself. As much as he’s trying to counter it, he still may forget about sleep and eating if situation demanded it... And he may be a bit hypocritical in that regard, as he’d surely get worried if you did the same. In other words: the infinite loop of “you must take better care of yourself”.

Free time ideas: Mitsunari reading you books aloud, simply lounging and taking a moment to breathe while petting Kitty, going out to eat, cooking together - with Mitsunari trying to be truly helpful and not just an obstacle in the way

Favourite date spot: The garden opposite of archives.

A secret you share: Mitsunari is aware of your health conditions, but he would never tell anybody about them without your consent. He oftentimes goes a bit out of his way to accomodate for them, which sometimes rises confusion among the other warlords - he just brushes it off as his own new quirk.

His favourite thing about you: How knowledgeable and truly smart you are. It would suffice to say that you’ve broadened his horizons a lot.

His message to you: “Thanks for loving me despite all of my flaws. I will do my best as to work on them, prince... My love.”

#match-up #ikesen match-up #ikemen sengoku match-up #ikesen #ikemen sengoku

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pip-n-flinx · 3 years

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Among Us

So this is going to get long, this is going to get personal, this is going to be about prejudice and race and self-serving bad-faith arguments and flawed rhetoric. And for all of these reasons I’m going to leave the rest of this under the cut.

As a few of my friends will know, earlier this week I was delivered an ultimatum from my landlord/roommate. He disguised it well, telling me he was ‘concerned for my mental health’ that my ‘negativity was dragging the whole house down’ and that I was simply too filthy to live with. I won’t pretend I’m a neat freak, and I can honestly say that I have taken some pains to clean more since, to his surprise and delight, though its particularly hard to take coming from him.

“You’re always so down. It’s making you lazy and thin skinned” You know its funny you should say that, now specifically, because I’ve actually been on the up and up this last week and you didn’t mention this at all in January when I was actually at my worst, or February when I was afraid I was going to have to quit my job, or back during the holiday season when retail work was breaking my back... Only now do you think to check in on me?

“You left a pair of gloves, a letter, and a small wooden trinket on the table!” Indeed I have, as you have left your pair of gloves, well over 21 letters, and regularly set your packages on this same table, including today two packages to be returned to amazon. I didn’t realize I didn’t get to use the table the same way you do.

“You don’t do dishes! except that you did this week, which is cool I guess but still!” You do realize that I actually hand-wash every dish I use within 24 hours of using it, right? And that often the dishes you come to me bitching that I never cleaned are in fact your fiances, yes? Ok good, next question.

“You’re always complaining about work. I don’t mind that you vent, but its all you talk about anymore!” I have either lost or walked away from 4 jobs in this last year, and that has not been easy, or fun. I have worked essential retail jobs the entire pandemic thus far. Additionally, in the months leading up to you storming out of your 75k a year salaried sales job, I had told you to leave it because I could see that it was killing you. You got so fed up with the job that for 4-5 months before you left your grandma-paid-off-my-second-mortgage capitalism-knows-best-pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps-ass spent more time playing valorant and league of legends on the clock than doing actual work. Need I remind you that every time I stepped into your office, or simply stepped upstairs to get ready for work, you would complain about how awful your managers were, or how shitty someone had been to you over the phone? DID I EVER BELITTLE YOU FOR ANY OF THESE THINGS????

The real kicker was that the spark, the moment that started this (at least for him) was me trying to explain why racism and ‘cultural supremecy’ was bad. I had brought to him something I thought we could both agree on, that we could both laugh at. I brought him a series of tweets about how problematic Van Gogh was for studying and imitating traditional japanese painting techniques. He took this, and immediately turned into a piece of the culture wars. Now, I agree, this is an egregious example of trying to ‘cancel’ someone. How cancelling a long dead artist who couldn’t sell his art while he was alive is important is beyond my comprehension, its not as though the market value of these comes up very often, and almost no-one will ever have a chance to buy or reject a Van Gogh. But to him this was emblematic of ‘liberals’ cancelling Seuss and Rowling.

He even went so far as to say that Van Gogh probably ‘did it better’ than the artists he was studying/imitating. Now, this is a huge red-flag to me because this is straight out of the Nazi playbook. This is William Shenker, proposing a theory of music to proof ‘German cultural superiority.’ This, if you will pardon my language, is the real culture war: trying to supplant other cultures art and history with western figures and events.

Now, for those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, this man is sexist. He doesn’t believe women are equal, complains about women’s sports, and rejects a woman’s right to choose. This man is a transphobe, questioning the logic of ‘safe-spaces’ and allowing people to change their pronouns. This man is a Trump supporter, and voted for him twice. And all of these things I found out years after we became friends. I have in the past contemplated what it would take to cut him out of my life wholesale. Despite our wealth of shared experience and our shared interests, we’ve been drifting apart as he drifts further and further to the right. And he has been drifting. He’s parroted more bad-faith arguments from Ben Shapiro and Tucker Carlson in the last 6 months then he ever did when I first moved in with him.

I have been trying to push back, especially when he says the quiet parts out loud. I try to let him know that it is not acceptable to say he would rather an unarmed black man die that risk that a police officer might be injured. When he compares the people in control of Seuss’ intellectual property and works choose to stop printing less than 6% of his published works to the book burnings in Mao’s china. When he says that its more important to protect teacher from students trolling them by changing their pronouns than it is to protect trans or NB kids. When he espouses his belief that trans and NB kids are ‘just mentally ill.’ Whenever he says any of this shit, I have pushed back. I have tried to halt, or at least slow, his descent towards eugenics and white supremacy and fascism.

It has been to no avail.

And to be honest its exhausting. I wanted to believe that he would trust me, not just to be a moral and thoughtful person, but to be educated and informed on these issues. We went to school together, spent countless hours solving homework and trying to crack games together. If I don’t know the answer to his questions immediately, he often jokes ‘C’mon, you’re supposed to know everything!” and has frequently told me that I’m selling myself short.

But apparently all that trust and all that respect goes out the window when I challenge him. Suddenly I’m ‘overly negative’ or ‘too sensitive’ or he’ll ‘need to look into that, but...’

And the thing is, he is capable of great acts of kindness. He offered to rent me a room in his completely paid-off house, no mortgage at all, simply because he could see living at home was killing my mental health. He offered me 50-75% off of market rate. He buys gifts all the time, has landed tenants job interviews, set people back on their feet, and refused to press charges for several major financial loses he’s taken on the determination that it would do more harm to the defendant than he could ever recoup from it.

But he does not extend this kindness, this generous soul, to everyone. And lately, his circle grows smaller, and his kindess has waned, and it’s been so devastating to see him slip further and further towards his own worst impulses.

I know there will be people who think I should have cut him out of my life years ago, who can’t believe we never talked enough to know that he voted for Trump in 2016. I think back then he was genuinely ashamed, or at least guilty, about that vote. Now? It’s almost a matter of pride for him. I can’t tell you the number of times in the last 4 months that he’s told me that Biden “couldn’t possibly” be as “great” a President as Trump.

And he hides behind this “praise them when they do good, cuff them when they do bad” line and I used to take comfort in it but now... Now it’s clear that it was just a front or excuse for liking these abhorrent people.

I’ve had a couple of hard conversations with some of our mutual friends about what this means for me, and how I interract with the whole group of friends as a whole, in the last 3 days. None of our mutual friends seem to take any of these things as seriously as I do, with my oldest friend even telling me that he ‘can’t imagine’ breaking a friendship off over politics.... I know I know, the caucasity of it all, yes ha ha. And it does make me genuinely worried that I’ll wind up losing the 5-6 close friends that I actually rely on these days over this horrible sonuvabitch. But all this personal venting aside, there’s something bigger here I want to address:

I sat down this evening to watch Last Week Tonight and I was struck by this piece about Tucker Carlson, because while I knew some of what was said on his show, he is remarkably confident for a man who spouts the quiet parts of racism/sexism/homophobia on TV. I have a hard time imaging a more blatantly racist thing to do then declare that a woman who suggested ‘dismantling systems of oppression wherever they are found’ wants to dismantle the American system...

And I have to say, we should go back to punching Nazis. I want these fuckers afraid. I want them to crawl back to the furthest reaches of the internet, relegated to be laughed at for their bigotry by pundits of every political ideology. I want their vile vitriol hidden away where it doesn’t embolden others. I want them to know that they are out of line, out of touch, out of time. I want them to feel ashamed, like the relics of a bygone and worse era that they are, and for them to quietly fade to an ignominious death. I’m tired of seeing them on National News. I’m tired of Pewdiepie’s channel and influence refusing to die despite all the horrible things he’s said and done. I’m tired of Ben Shapiro spouting off about a woman’s place and rights, as if he has any fucking authority on the matter. I just want these people to lose their platforms and their followers. And for me the fact that they haven’t yet is so incredibly discouraging.

I know I didn’t offer any answers here I’m just tired of being alone with this defeated attitude and I guess I needed to get this off my chest as I try to disentangle myself from the losing battle of trying to save a friend from alt-right radicalization.

#tw/ white supremecy #tw/ sexism #tw/ racism #tw/ transphobia #wooow this got longer than I expected #meta: alt right radicalization #and how they're reaching people my age #plus a lot of personal venting

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lehvu-moved · 6 years

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A CRUEL GOD REIGNS IN HEAVEN by Moto Hagio

REVIEW + WHY YOU SHOULD READ IT

hey! so, i’m not usually one to do reviews- if i do, it’s usual hours and hours of rants with my friends,- but i finished reading this manga a few days ago and trust me when i say, there’s no getting over it anytime soon.

given that it’s such a wonderful story with an even more beautiful art, if possible, i wanted to share this as a way to introduce more people to it, and perhaps have a few more people join this little fandom.

i tried keeping the spoilers to myself, but i can’t guarantee a completely transparent review! i hope this is helpful, and that will somehow draw your interest towards this very, very underrated manga.

A CRUEL GOD REIGNS IN HEAVEN, also known as AFTER US, SAVAGE GOD or with the original name ZANKOKU NA KAMI GA SHIHAI SURU ( 残酷な神が支配する ), is a story written and illustrated by the wonderful Moto Hagio, and published on the weekly magazine Petite Flower from 1993 to 2000.

many try to pinpoint a genre that’s fitting for this type of story- some say romance, others say drama, others say it’s a yaoi. but my honest opinion is that if you jump into reading this story looking for a yaoi, or a typical shojo-romance, or even a drama the way we know it as- you’ll be disappointed. so very.

but if you ever felt evil. if you ever felt like you were a bad, bad person. if you ever dissociated to the point you talk about ‘yesterday’ and a week has passed. if everyone around you suddenly becomes a stranger, and you want to disappear; if you were ever told you’re destroying yourself, if you ever had those nights where your thoughts were so intrusive and cruel you couldn’t sleep- if any of these are real for you, A CRUEL GOD REIGNS is about you, too.

to get started, ACGR is a story about abuse -sexual and phsychological-, and about mental illnesses and disorders that come from it, but not only.

it’s a story about that one friend that talked so much about suicide making it seem like a joke, but attempted and no one saw it coming.

it’s about that one friend that had a lover no one else liked, that acts like they got over it, but is still losing sleep over ‘what ifs’.

it’s about denying the world you love, the one you’re safe in can have flaws, ignoring the cracks, turning a blind eye- but you know it’ll catch up with you. there’s no way out, and you know it. yet all you do is wait.

A CRUEL GOD REIGNS follows boston native jeremy butler, aged fifteen at the very beginning of the story, and the distorted reality that is built around him when his mother, sandra, remarries to the wealthy english businessman greg. left behind a quiet, but happy life in his hometown, jeremy moves to london with his new family, and meets his two stepbrothers: julian, nicknamed ian throughout the manga, and matt, the youngest. after all the promises his new life seemed built on get broken one by one, jeremy is alone in his fight against the devil, and is willing to do anything to get rid of the monster that sneaks in his bedroom every night. his journey towards recovery and going back to being the person he used to be- the person he used to know, is the main focus of this story.

the plot is a dark, heavy kind of story- it wraps around touchy topics that most people don’t want to talk about, it’s a risky journey. many points are purposefully left unanswered, the characters don’t do what you want them to, what you’re screaming them to, they don’t always do the right thing.

because that’s life. that’s how life is. some things, you can never get to the bottom of them, no matter how much you try. humans are constantly changing, mutating, we are ruled by our moods, beit at our highs or lows, moved by solely our hearts and concerned about the sanity of our minds.

you won’t agree with them sometimes. you’ll be so furious at them you’ll throw your phone in a pillow and stay mad for days at that one panel. but sometimes you’ll feel so heavy in your chest reading, because you would’ve said the same thing. you would’ve thought the same thing, even if it’s not right.

and you’ll see yourself in someone for sure, because that’s just how talented Hagio is. she created a delicate universe filled with people you’ll love, god if you’ll love them! and you’ll feel part of their little groups, you’ll be with them as you walk the snowy streets of london, as they wait for the school bell to ring, as they try to fall asleep at night but can’t. you’ll cry their same tears because they face thoughts and feelings so universal, to don’t feel a part of them is almost unthinkable.

even with a story so emotional and human, what really stays with you about A CRUEL GOD REIGNS are the characters. a cast to well put together, made of people you know so little about, but at the same time feel like you’ve known forever.

jeremy and his big eyes, the thousand tears he’s cried, the way he tries to keep others from suffering despite being in so much pain himself. ian, a complex mind, always second guessing himself, always lost in his ugly coats with his long hands in front of his mouth. sandra, who’s much more than a motherly figure- a character you might not understand, a character that hauntingly lives under your skin- greg, sickeningly cruel, whose colors are so dark the human eye can’t see.

and valentine, valentine and eric, unable to grasp their own identities. marjorie’s doll face, the one that never cries, but a heart that bleeds more than her eyes can show. cass and how life was cruel to him, but he’s getting back on his feet. nadia, the older sister, the one no one understands, the one who’s numbing herself out because she’s so tired of loving the most. and vivi, matt, natasha, william, savage, pansy - everyone. they’ll live on much longer than their story, and live again in people you’ll meet, love, hate.

you should read A CRUEL GOD REIGNS if you want closure. if everyone’s words about ‘you’ll get better’ seem to slip away from you, if you’re out of touch and feel like a lost cause. please, read it.

i finished it in a week, but give yourself time. i tend to devour things i’m interested in surprisingly fast, and this was no exception. when i read the last page, i felt like i could really breathe since the moment i started it. it’s over, but it’s not. it goes on in your everyday, you’ll see it everywhere.

valentine in your herbal tea, ian in every extravagant foreigner you’ll come across, jeremy in the sad eyes you cross on the metro, marjorie in the glue tears vintage dolls cry in shop windows. A CRUEL GOD REIGNS is a wonderful, cruel, powerful story that you’ll think back about and feel a mixture of nostalgia, malincholia and relief for.

everything about this story is darkly unique, from the stunning artworks to the poetic narrative. and trust me, it’s hard finding works as complex and fleshed out as Hagio’s mangas- this one in particular. you can read it here, translated by fans in english since the original japanese was never officially released in other languages.

i hope this review helped! thanks for reading! feel free to message me if you have any questions!

#star talks #a cruel god reigns #zankoku na kami ga shihai suru #wOW! AN ACTUAL REVIEW #manga recommendation #review #hey uhh... read it pls #there r like!! triggers listed as major plot points so stay safe y'all!! ilu

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dindadeel · 6 years

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Character / Storyline / Whatever-you-called-it Analysis: Mystic Messenger

I really want to credit the artist, but unfortunately I, too, stumbled across this image on the web. If any of you know the owner of this picture, please let me know. Oh, and if the artist does not allow me to repost this picture, please let me know to as I’d be more than willing to take this image down if the owner does not allow me.

Oh my darling,

If only I dare to publish my (twitter) second account here, (will not happen, since I want to say things under privacy, too) you guys would’ve known my obsession over this Korean game called Mystic Messenger.

It is a female-oriented otome (dating) game. You’ll play as this Main Character (MC), so far Cheritz (the developer) has released 6 routes, which you can play depending on which character you want to choose.

So after playing each route and finishing the secret ending, here’s my thought overall.

(lol I actually already wrote a review on my 2nd account, but I’ll write a repetitive thing here lol don’t mind me).

This is a long ass post btw, if you’re not up to that, then you’re free to browse anything else. But if you do want to stick around, feel free to grab some ice tea (I’m recently into honey lemons) and some pockys.

When starting Mystic Messenger, there’s 3 options to choose; Casual Route (free), Deep Route (80 Hourglasses), Another Story (300 Hourglasses). Hourglasses is basically like coins that you can exchange to unlock features throughout the game. You can still proceed with the game without it, but you’ll definitely get more benefits with these hourglasses (e.g.; unlocking new routes like Deep Route, making phone calls, participate in chats that you missed, etc).

You can find more about Mystic Messenger here if you’re a beginner to the game.

Now on to the analysis!

(WARNING: SPOILER ALERT)

If you’re hoping for your-typical-shoujo-storyline-i-met-a-prince-of-my-dream, well you’re wrong because Mystic Messenger is here to fuck you up and make you emotionally attached to fucking fictional characters.

I’d like to think each and every route is a different universe every time I chose a new route (believe me, you’ll have hard time restarting your day after the 11th day). But I cannot help to feel that every route is actually linked to one another and the final ending is Seven’s route. (Yes you can fight me but thats the fact because Seven’s always have this additional thing in his route and he even owns the secret ending, technically).

However, another story (aka V route) is another different universe, because the storyline is a little bit distorted than the original 5 stories (well, it is an additional story).

The reason why I wrote a Tumblr post is because I got a bunch of bullcrap I need to write after finishing V route and Secret Ending.

First of all,

What the actual fuck?

Okay, everything was all good and jolly when you start playing Casual Route. I guess they called it Casual Route because it literally give you the tiniest bit of the secret of RFA. It literally means nothing if you compare it to Deep Route, Another Story, and Secret Endings. In actual fact, even in Jumin’s route, it don’t give as much information.

On casual route, it is very fitting to the name; very casual. It just gives you all these simkung moments with your character of selection. Sure, every route all-in-all asking the MC to ‘help’ the character from their wounds.

(list is based on my recommendations on taking which route first)

Jaehee - To choose her dreams or live on social prejudice

Yoosung - Dealing with his depressions and confusion after Rika’s passing

Zen - Overcoming his insecurities and his past

Jumin - Expressing his emotions when the world seems like tangled threads

Seven - Making sure he is belonged in this world and to be a place where he can call it home

V - Letting him know that he should love and put himself first

Tbh after finishing all routes, I cannot help to think that this whole mysme universe is started as a couple quarrel. But it is a twisted and complex couple quarrel. Basically it all turned murky when — turned out both the couple did not realized that they’re in a toxic relationship.

I’m gonna talk not only about any specific route, but the universe as a whole. Mainly towards Secret Endings in which branched from Seven’s, but the inputs came from every route regardless.

Rika had an illness to begin with. She struggles with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and (paranoia induced) delusions. Now this woman (haha please note on how I address her because I put my whole feeling on it) tried to hide it (and she succeeded) from the rest of the member, except V, who’s her fiancee and the one she trusted wholeheartedly. I guess her intentions are good, because she don’t want the rest of the member to worry about her. All she ever wanted to do was to create RFA in hope she could help people with her charity parties and where people with different background and social status could mingle. But again, she’s dealing with a mental illness and I guess she needs someone to know her as a whole, which is V.

This is where everything went wrong, I guess.

Rika does not represent people with mental illness. Cheritz just need a character as an antagonist, or there won’t be any storyline, hahaha.

Don’t get me wrong. V is a loving man. His intentions are also come from a good heart. V loves Rika wholeheartedly. He loves Rika with her flaws, too.

But their actions were like a ripple in a calm water. A single drop could disturb the whole surface.

V comes from a wealthy family, alongside Jumin. He was brought up to act like one. His father brought him up so that he could continue the family business, like Jumin. However, V’s mother was a musician. In fact, his family business related a lot in art & creative industry. So he have this ‘artist blood / tendency’ within him. I think his father opposed him on being an actual artist, so instead he became a photographer. This is where he encountered Rika.

Rika, on the other hand, did not came from a good childhood memory. She was adopted. However, turned out the adoptive parents regretted adopting Rika (that’s a fucked up parents to begin with. I mean, you HAD a choice to PICK your child for God’s sake. You’re not stuck with whatever-God-gave-you on your womb but you GET to choose, either the gender nationality race whatever suits you best and you STILL regret it?). She always felt that she does not belong anywhere and don’t have any place to harbor. She always feel empty.

Now when Rika met V, it felt like a faith to both of them. Rika was the empty canvas. She never knew how it felt to be loved. V, on the other hand, does not know how to give love, as he was always brought up in prince-like manner, and his mother was not able to be there to teach him how to love. So when he encountered Rika, I guess in his artistic mind, his love was like this massive artwork, ready to be painted on Rika’s blank canvas.

Both of them thought that their love was like the sun in the sky.

Why the sun?

Well, the sun is the source of living being. No matter where you are, it will shine. Even when the clouds are there to cover it, the sun is still there, giving you all the warmth. But the thing with the sun, in my opinion, yes it is warm, but there are times where you can get burn to crisp if you stand too long below it. You can get blind if you stare too much. Why, you can even get skin cancer if you’re not well protected.

Both of them could not express their love... as a couple. One wants to accept everything and one is willing to give everything. But the thing is... everything has its own limit. Sure, it feels like they’re meant for each other, however I think it is a toxic relationship as no one in that relationship know how to say no and to stop. V being too philosophical attracted to Rika’s innocence. Back to my canvas-paint theory, it is like Rika is the blank canvas, and V is willing to paint every single space within Rika. So much it turned into obsession. So much that Rika’s actually suffocated from it. Rika’s running out of space.

Sally’s death was the trigger. Rika was in the verge of breaking down. She said it was her fault. Said nobody would love her if they know how dark she is. She is actually ashamed of her illness and struggles, and she wants people to see her as a savior instead. V, who love her so dearly, instead of stopping her, said;

“Even if you strangle my neck, blind my eyes and break my limbs... I will still love you.”

THAT IS FUCKED UP OKAY. Now, if you have a loved one that’s struggling with these conditions, you do not add fuel to the fire. Don’t encourage them to hurt people! What V did was to turn the switch in Rika. In her innocent thought (at first I could not believe Rika was this stupid, but then again, she had her condition), it is okay to be abusive, as V said, he will still love him regardless. THIS. WAS. THE. FUCKING. TRIGGER.

Rika hurt V on purpose due to him trying to stop Rika on creating this cult where she force happiness onto people, drug them so that they would not know any pain. I know V had a good intention trying to stop Rika but I cannot stop thinking that he’s the one who made Rika to had this thought. It was the seed he planted on Rika. He was expecting a beautiful flower to bloom from it, but a monster sprouted instead because of the way he tended the seed.

Due to that, Rika left V for three main reason;

V opposed her idea on creating this everlasting paradise

She thought that V did not love her anymore because she thought V is disgusted with her monster side and the last thing she wanted was for V to leave her side

She knows what she did was wrong. She might be distorted, but she is good by nature. So when she realized she injured V severly, she is actually scared of herself. What if she hurt V even more in future?

And this is where everything went from what the fuck to what in the actual motherfucking fuck?

So instead of spilling the truth, V, being a chivalrous man he is, decided to keep it as a secret. He stated that the reason he kept it as a secret because he did not wish to put Rika under a dark impression. He wants Rika to be seen in her glorious days, as a brilliant young lady which everybody love and adore.

He decided to make Rika’s departure from RFA as her passing. He made up this story that Rika decided to take her own life. Jumped out the cliff, he said, so none of her remains were to be found.

I know RFA trusted this man 100%. But there’s a reason why Yoosung always doubt him, because I will certainly do, too.

First, do you think it is fair for the rest of RFA to be treated that way? To live their life in lies? I mean, come on, she’s basically everyone’s center. If someone that was that close to me, suddenly her fiancee come to us and said she took her own life but her body was never to be found, I would use every measure to fins her (I believe Jumin was loaded enough to do so).

That aside, does V never consider the rest of RFA’s feeling in the first place? Does he think it was okay for him to lie to them? If only they did not discover the truth in Seven’s route, he will even keep it to himself. I could not help to feel that V is selfish, in a way he wants to keep Rika to herself. He is the one who Rika trust as a whole, and he’d like to keep it that way.

In Casual route, there’s no sign that Rika’s still alive. At the end of each casual route, V is always nowhere to be found. He is either not attending the party, announcing that he’s about to be blind, or just ‘let’s not discuss it now” / “I cannot tell you now”.

IMAGINE how betrayed everyone was when they found out that Rika was still alive and V decided to keep it as a secret. To make things worse, Rika even created this illegal cult. If they truly cared for Rika, I bet they would even love her and help her from her darkness. Hell, Rika was their savior in some way. I just don’t get the logic behind V keeping it from the rest.

For Zen and Jaehee, it might not be a significant lost, just a sense of disappointment. They’re not directly involved in Rika, emotion wise. Jaehee was merely Jumin’s assistant and she respected Rika. Zen was a bit closer to her, as Rika was his fan and the who ‘discovered’ Zen and help him with his career. But other than that, they did not share any emotion bond with Rika.

Yoosung though, he saw Rika as his own big sister. He saw her as his role model. He looked up to Rika a lot. So it is understandable that he was struggling after Rika’s passing, in the most unreasonable reason ever. Especially when Rika only showed her good personality. Who could accept that reason?

Sometimes, people said ignorance is a bliss and that is exactly what happened to each of their routes. They NEVER know. But that is the sad thing. They WILL never know. But if they WERE know the thing that happened behind their back, imagine how hurt they will be? Especially in Yoosung case, where he even get depressed over Rika.

Anyway, it gets even more disappointing for me for the deep route guys. If I were to talk in detail, it will take another dedicated post because it is a deep route hahaha I guess I was deeply attached to them (lol).

By know I guess everyone can grasp on how hurt Seven would feel. His brother was taken by someone that he trusted could take care of him. HIS FUCKING FAMILY. The only person in this universe that he share his blood with and his very existence is the most precious thing. Due to this stupid lover quarrel, Rika just fucking took him and drugged him so that he could work for her and made him hate his own brother.

WHAT THE FUCK. This is a one sick lady. But whats even sicker is the fact that even knowing this, V did not give Seven any information. He just stick with “I can do this myself, so that none of the member will get hurt”. ITS HIS FUCKING TWIN BROTHER FOR ALL THE GOD’S SAKE. How stupid you could be?! He is more than entitled to know anything about Saeran. Even if love my s/o to death, if he done anything as outrageous as this, I would definitely call for help. This even involved other person’s closest relative!

Another thing to point out is why can’t Seven left any note to Saeran? I know it took awhile for Rika to take Saeran out of Seven and Saeran’s mother. But afterwards, when Saeran was under Rika and V’s care, he could leave a note to him. A simple post-it will do, if he was that scared to be traced. Let Saeran know that the reason he left first is to protect him. Why can’t he do this? I mean, its not like Seven never met V, if in this sense we put Rika under bad light.

Why does V think he is entitled to keep this as a secret? I could see why Seven was in rage when he found out about the whole truth when he about to rescue MC at Rika’s apartment. His reunion with his long lost brother was suppose to be sweet, but no, he was brainwashed and hate him to the core. And even when Seven asking for the truth, V still dare to lie.

But what is even more saddening is Jumin position. Surprised? Well, I guess it is unexpected as he is not a part of Secret Endings. He is constantly suppressing his emotions too. But that is even worse.

The fact that Jumin is V’s closest friend. In his route, Jumin even told MC that the only people that he could trust was V and Rika. I get that couple only share some things among themselves, but imagine how Jumin would feel when he knows two people he trusted the most turned out hiding such big secret?

He trust V decision, always. When everybody seems to doubt V, he will be that very last person to agree with V. He will never hide anything from V, and even when V hides something from him, he will always said that “V’s always like that. I will trust his decision nevertheless”. The only thing that he didn’t tell V was probably he had feelings for Rika, too (fuck this thing. Jumin’s my man don’t you lay your hand on her Rika (lol)).

Speaking of that, Jumin was in fact treasure Rika, too. He claimed that Rika was that very few people that was able to make him open up and let him expressing his emotion.

He had feelings for Rika, but knowing that Rika never saw him that way and only love V, he suppressed his feelings and decided to just watch from far.

He even treasures Elizabeth the 3rd. Elizabeth the 3rd was so dear to him because it was from Rika, and V named her. The Jumin that we know now is head-over-heel over cat, but in his conversation with Rika on his route, he was not particularly interested in cats to begin with. Jumin’s fucking loaded, if he really likes cat, he could’ve bought the rarest breed of all and enjoy its beauty. But everything changed after Rika gave him Elizabeth the 3rd. He treasured every fragments Rika left him with. He didn’t even finish the book that Rika gave him.

So imagine, imagine it, my dear friend, how unfair his situation is. He already decided to be a bigger man and root for his best friend’s relationship. But turned out his most treasured people are keeping this huge secret. Imagine how disappointed he would feel when he knows Rika was brainwashing Saeran. Imagine how he would’ve felt when V decided to quit RFA on Seven’s route. Imagine how confused he would feel when V is always out of reach on everyone’s after ending. Imagine how painful it is for him to see Rika was beyond repair on V route, the two people he wished for happiness, turned out to be destroying each other?

Imagine how broken he would’ve felt when he attended V’s funeral at Secret End, knowing that his best friend’s own fiancee was the one who lead him to death, and the fact that he has to stay composed in this situation?

There’s a reason why I like Jumin so much. Not only his capability on stay logical (though sometimes can be interpreted as emotionless), but the fact that he never beats around the bush. He never sugar-coat his words (except during his route when he acts like a stupid love bird—no complain about this tho).

Yes, he is not perfect, even on his route he could be irrational sometimes with his obsessiveness. But knowing his upbringing and his background, its understandable he’s acting this way. But in the end he even tried to overcome it and when V came, he believed in V almost immediately. Even when MC’s life was somewhat along the line.

That is how much he trusted V and how deeply he cared for him.

V, on the other hand, was so drowned on his own ideology of protecting everyone to even notice this. Do you think its fair? Does he thinks its right for him to keep the truth from everyone, when Jumin’s always there for him?

Jumin is even willing to go extra mile for V. I guess sadly V doesn’t see Jumin in the same light.

I know this post somewhat treating V as the main villain. I swear, on V route I tried to save him like everyone else. Rika was truly a sick woman on his route. I really loathe her. As Seven said, she was beyond repair. But again, I couldn’t help to feel sick over the fact that both Rika and V are still hiding Saeran/Ray’s existence, even when Saeran blow himself, ON SEVEN’S AWARENESS.

Even under this fiasco, V never tell anything to anyone. He didn’t even tell MC as far as I know.

Ray... he was the main victim. He was tossed here and there without him able to control his own consciousness due to the drug.

I don’t want to blame V. I really want to hate Rika because Cheritz created this character for us to hate to begin with. But then again, I can’t help to think that the root of this problem is both of them. Both of them acted like they want to save people, how they don’t want to bring pain to innocent souls, but in the end, with their lies and their acting like a goody two shoes,

how many souls did they hurt?

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kitsutoshi · 6 years

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When you know better...do better.

With the new year about to start, I’m thinking about resolutions. Things to change. To quote Maya Angelou “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

But I’m having trouble with that. A lot of the time I don’t do better.

Of course I want to “be the change I want to see in the world.” But I also don’t want to introduce myself with my pronouns, because it feels weird, and the phrase “I am too old for this” plays in my head. I understand that there’s some kind of thing about plastic straws being awful, but I’ve not read the articles and haven’t turned down a straw yet. I’m still struggling to understand cultural appropriation (at least grayer aspects of it) and while I’m not buying any “Hot Buddhist Monk” Halloween costumes, I find myself thinking “how much does this really matter?” when YES it matters. I think most people would agree it’s worse to knowingly do bad things than to accidentally or unknowingly do them. I like to think I’m a good person…but this is some bullshit.

And not just me, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who knows better but screws up anyway. If that wasn’t true then there would be no Doritos.

Right now we’re watching the long-overdue tipping point with sexual harassment, thanks largely to the #MeToo movement. We’re tossing flawed men out of positions of responsibility as if it’s going out of style. And we’re vilifying them. In some cases, for mistakes made back when those actions were the norm. In other cases it’s dick pics. Men fighting the tide of history. Men who knew better, or had no excuse not to, but who propositioned those teenaged girls, those women at work. Men who knew better, but grabbed women’s butts anyway.

And when I look at history, it’s filled with people who seriously had to know better (slavery? really?) but who just kept doing wrong. Even people “on the wrong side of history” who definitely knew better.

I think we can all relate to knowing better but doing worse. So how do we weigh that? How do we handle all of this?

I’ve engaged in discussions this year about how to honor historical heroes who were also deeply flawed people “by modern standards.” If we judge historical people by what we now generally agree is wrong (slave owners are a great example) then we lose the good with the bad. Thomas Jefferson, American hero…and terrible person who surely knew it was wrong to own people.

We’re also losing the good they’ve done (anyone feel like binging the Cosby Show?). We have to figure out what to do with the artistic works, awards, philanthropy, invention…everything.

So should we toss the baby with the bathwater? And how do we think about those folks, past and present? How do we think about ourselves? What wrongs are enough to write a person off completely?

So here we are, headed inexorably into the next New Year. I’m considering resolutions, I want to “do better.” I have a list of things I now know (or maybe haver for a long while) and I want to behave better. But what if I don’t? This issue is personal. I can’t think “yeah, that Thomas Jefferson guy…” or “Dammit Al Franken!” without also thinking “and you.” I’m no different than any people who didn’t “do better.”

We know that some social ills will only be fixed by waiting for a generation or two to die. Young people who are “woke” waiting for older racist/sexist/homophobe/etc bigots to just die off and take their crufty views and behaviors with them. Because change is hard. People know better all day long, and don’t do better.

So it’s hard. But is that an excuse? (spoiler: no, no it isn’t).

So what are some of the things people debate “overlooking?” because of “the times they lived in?” Owning slaves. Harassing behavior that might have been the norm but was never ok. There’s this idea that if something was common that we should just understand and give people a bye. I’m not so sure.

When I use a microscope, what I can see is a whole lot of people who knew clearly, long before the Civil War, that slavery was wrong. Otherwise the Underground Railroad would have been to nowhere. I see a lot of HR seminars on harassment and hostile work environment, laughed off by guys who didn’t want to change.

When recycling became a thing, young people were all over it. There are plenty of Baby Boomers who throw away water bottles every day. There are young people who would carry an empty plastic bottle across the earth to recycle it. And there are people in between, who recycle if it’s convenient. Do we give a pass to the individual boomers who can’t find a blue bin with both hands and a map, because it’s a “function of the times?”

Where am I going with this?

My dearest hope is that humanity will continue to advance. That the future will bring more social evolution. More cooperation, less competition. More selfless behavior, less profiteering. More live-and-let-live and less authoritarianism. I’d like to think that humanity will eventually produce the Federation of Planets.

The best example I can think of where a sea-change is coming but we’re not yet at a tipping point is eating meat. It seems likely that in the future, people won’t eat meat from real animals anymore. Lab-grown real meat may be a thing, or good sense will have prevailed and folks will eat vegan, or just flat-out overpopulation will make meat a thing of the past. I eat meat. I know better. I have the means to eat well without meat, and I don’t. I try to source my meat from local farms with high ethical standards. But not always. But someday there will be whole generations of people who wouldn’t even contemplate killing an animal to make a meal. How will they look at us?

If you speak to any not-deranged human being and say “is torturing an animal ok?” The answer is unequivocally no. Absolutely no. But we rationalize. We do it for medical science. We definitely do it for food. We wear leather but not fur. We eat pigs but not dogs. Ugly animals don’t count.

But those people will look back at us in bafflement and disgust. If we did awesome things, maybe won a Nobel Prize, or twelve Olympic medals…they will still look at us as “meat eaters.”

What I’m looking for is a litmus test. I’m no pinnacle of human perfection, there’s a lot going on that needs fixing here. And our ancestors were the same. People who knew damned well and good that women should be able to vote, but who went along with the social order of abuse and oppression. Nazis. Slave owners. War profiteers. Pussy grabbers. Casting-couch sleaze.

But many of those people (not the Nazis) did great things. Art, literature, war heroism, writing Constitutions. We want to know those things right?

What would I want for future folk to think of me? Not that I’m likely to be remembered in a hundred years, but if some future schoolchild does look back at my life, what do I want for them to think? What would Thomas Jefferson want for me (and us) to think of him?

These are some answers I would give (TJ will have to speak for himself):

1. If I’m making mistakes (and history suggests that we all do that) then I’d like to be forgiven those. If I really think I’m doing a good thing, but later hindsight says “nope,” future people please give me a pass. I offer the same to people in my rear-view mirror.

2. When I already know better…How would I like to be viewed for that? When I refuse a major change with measurable benefit to the world, in favor of personal convenience or preference. I’m the modern equivalent of the “nice” slave owner who knows it’s wrong so he makes sure that his slaves have good housing and food. I’m a “product of my time” where most people who can afford to will eat meat every day. So even though vegans exist and ethics matter, I eat meat. When I look forward and think of those future great-great-great-great grandchildren looking back at me, I can’t meet their eyes. If they need to dismiss whatever good I’ve done out of disgust for the things I do knowingly wrongly, I can’t blame them for that. I know better, but I don’t do better. My hope is that the problem (be it meat or something else) solved itself when a few generations died off, maybe including me and mine.

3. But what if I didn’t know, but I reallllly should have? What if I’d never watched any PETA videos, never read Temple Grandin’s book. What if I grew up without knowing how food comes to fork? Some forms of Christianity differentiate between a sin committed knowingly, and one committed without knowledge. Purgatory was invented because it wasn’t fair to think of all of those non-Christian souls burning in hell just because they never even had the opportunity to be forgiven. Modern criminal law differentiates some types of offenses based on intent. But I don’t know how I feel about those historical people who thought they were “protecting” women by treating them as voteless property. I know that I’ve been confronted with ideas that I just haven’t had time or inclination or energy to deal with. For example, the concept of “implicit bias” didn’t really land in my consciousness until this year, even though I had heard of it years ago. It didn’t hit me with enough impact to motivate any effort on my part until recently. But I could have learned it at any time. The information was available to me. I guess I’m not that forgiving. Willful ignorance isn’t an excuse to me. Your mileage may differ. I hold myself accountable for things I chose not to know, at least things it would have been easy to know. There’s a scale. I’m ok with future people thinking “she used STRAWS?! But didn’t she see those headlines on Facebook?” I hope they’ll cut a little slack for a primitive progenitor if the information wasn’t readily available, but if it was looking me in the face, that’s on me.

I don’t know how Thomas Jefferson would feel about this. Or Winston Churchill. My best guess is that they would feel as I do. A Golden Rule situation. If I would want for my progeny to forgive me for something, maybe I should forgive the same things.

Applying those rules of thumb: Sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace. It’s never been ok. Women have taken men to HR or court over this crap since women have worked. No one younger than 90 should be able to plead ignorance that work isn’t the place to get handsy or to talk about sex or to try to get a date with your subordinate. But men who knew better sure haven’t done better. Many have, but many have not. No one is getting a pass.

We fought a war in this country in which slavery was the primary or a collateral issue (depends on who you ask). Plenty of people knew perfectly well that it was wrong…but many people who knew better did worse. I vote no passes.

There are a lot of vegetarians and vegans around. And people still make fun of them. I think most of us know that’s really right-action and that our meat-eating isn’t. I’ve also seen a lot of humor to the effect that vegans and vegetarians are on a high horse (riding, not eating) and shouldn’t look down at the rest of us. But I see two things there:

When you’ve seen better and done better, maybe it’s ok to express that there’s something others should wake up to. Why would we NOT want that? Lots of people go to church specifically to be reminded to do better.

Maybe when you’ve walked a lot of miles being made fun of for ethical uprightness, reminders come out less like “hey, there’s something to consider” and more like “wtf is wrong with you?”

We should want that reminder. We should want to wake up to what we’re doing wrong. But when you’re around someone who you know is doing better, it feels like being judged. Which all of us hate. We think of ourselves as good people, but we know we’re doing bad things, and people doing better just remind us of that. We judge ourselves. Then we thrash, to avoid those feelings.

It’s galling, isn’t it. When you know you’re choosing worse, and someone else has chosen better? We want to keep doing the thing we do, but we don’t like to think of ourselves as bad. So we weasel and manage our cognitive dissonance. From inventing religions that give us “absolution” so we can keep on sinning, to making fun of vegans to avoid the idea that they’re right. We compound our wrongs with more wrongs.

Right now we have a society where people who do better are actively mocked by people who do worse. “Social justice warrior” is somehow an insult (!!?). It sounds like something that should be the highest possible praise. Its as if the bullies all won, and decent people are getting shoved into lockers. Only we’re all the bullies too, on one subject or another.

So “know better…do better” right? There’s no pass for failure. Of course it’s easier to do things when everyone else is doing them too. But sometimes we’re the first generation to know better. We still have to do it. We may someday figure out how to handle the artistic, scientific, philosophical, and other goods created by slave-owners, harassers, abusers, profiteers, and others. I hope we do. I’m going to use the “what would future progeny think?” litmus test. And if “they’d think I was scum of the earth,” that seems fair. If I knowingly do something wrong, just because everyone else is doing it too, I shouldn’t get a pass.

Here’s the main step I plan to take this year. I’d like to confront my irritation. My blind spots. Find my cognitive dissonance. I may not manage to do better in some respects (burgers) but I’m going to face that head one. No pats on the back. Conscience turned up to 11. No passes given to myself if that future society wouldn’t give me one. When I know better, I will own it when I don’t do better. The world needs that.

#knowbetterdobetter #progress #blindspot #resolutions

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theloudmute-deadaccountwheee · 6 years

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100 OC Questions

list created (I think?) by @the-moon-dust-writings I’m using Anti and Dark...but...my versions. Is that okay? Like, I’m not doing the canon ones so I’m not stepping on any toes, right? ...fuck I’mma do it anyway. I need some OCs.

1. How do they present themselves to others? Anti: With caution, but only out of shyness, then opens up very easily after a while Dark: *bursts through the door* “Sup, fucknuts?” 2. Do they like animals? Anti: Domestic ones Dark: “Eh, they’re alright. Even better when they’re on my dinner plate :3″

3. How do they dress? Anti: Business casual Dark: Whatever’s on top of the laundry basket

4. How many languages do they know? Anti: Only english, but would love to learn more Dark: “I’m kinda good at spanish.” Anti: “Wow, really? That’s neat!” Dark: “ El español es el idioma más romántico, bebé.” Anti: “What?” Dark: “Never mind.” 5. How big is their family? Anti: “I consider Dark, Sean, and Singe family.” Dark: “Idk, I hate all of you except for Anti so. Anti.” 6. What is their purpose in the story? Anti: I always considered him to be a metaphor for my mental illness Dark: He is Anti’s protector. They need each other. 7. Do they know how to fight? Oh hell yeah both of ‘em do 8. What is their back story? Oh gracious me, if you’re that curious just find my old fan fics lol 9. Why is their name, their name? Anti: While in Jack/Sean’s head, he considered himself the opposite of Jack for a long time Dark: Dark didn’t have a name for MONTHS after his creation. Mark named him that as a joke because of his fan created character and it just stuck 10. Do they have any nick names? Anti: “Dark has tons for me. ‘Green bean’, ‘greenie’, ‘shorty’. Dark: “Some anons on this hellsite call me Darkipoo for some reason.” 11. Do they have a romantic interest? They both love each other very much!!! 12. How do they cope with struggles? Anti: “...” He doesn’t like to talk about it, but, mostly when conflict arises, he goes berserk. Dark: If he can punch it to death then problem probably solved. Or moaping/ignoring it if it can’t be punched 13. Do they have anyone they can lean on? Each other!

14. How do they react to someone dying? Anti: Silence and becoming dead to the world Dark: Bottling everything inside

15. Can you name 5 personality traits they have? Anti: Kind, timid, rash, easy going, welcoming Dark: Rash, wild, crude, humorous, dangerous 16. How did they become a character? Well... my versions, I guess? Anti came to be because all that stuff on Jack’s channel last year had me so hyped I was like “I have to write a horror story about this” and so I did. Then I was like, “I don’t want to stop. Let’s throw Dark into the mix.” 17. Do they get along with others? Anti: More than likey, yes. He’s always wanted friends. Dark: “...eh.” 18. What flaws do they have? Anti: Going berserk, trusts people way too easily, jumps to conclusions, makes rash decisions Dark: Crude, snarky, also makes rash decisions, solves problems with his fists 19. How do they influence the story? Anti: I hope he serves as a beacon of hope. That no matter what problems we face, there’s good things comin’. Dark: He’s there for humor, he’s there to protect Anti, he’s a reminder to get what you want you gotta work hard at it 20. What do they look like? Anti: Bright green, mid long hair, black sceleras and green iris’, big ol’ puppy dog eyes, thin nose bridge but wide nostrils, LONG pointed ears, pale skin, tall waist Dark: Short red hair, short pointed ears, can change his eyes at any time but mostly looks like Anti’s bed with red iris’, wide nose 21. What are their hobbies? Anti: Cooking, painting, enjoying nature Dark: Fighting, fire magic, pestering people 22. What are their ticks? Anti: It’s hard to find anything that really bothers Anti. Well, bigotry and homophobia. Dark: “All these fuckin’ questions; there’s what, seventy more of these god damn things?” 23. Do they like children? Anti: Hasn’t had many interactions with kids Dark: “No.” 24. How do they react to being around wild animals? Anti: With caution Dark: “Can I eat it? I’mma kill it.” 25. If they were given the task to prank someone, who would it be, what would they do, and would the prank work? Anti: “Okay, don’t tell Dark but I want to cover all the doorways and the toilet seats with clear wrap *snickers*. Would that be the funnest thing?!” Dark: “Kill a guy. What, that’s not a prank?” 26. Do they have any survival skills? Anti: If he weren’t a demon, he probably wouldn’t last long out in the wilderness on his own. Dark: “Bitch I don’t need survival skills; you can’t kill me.” 27. Are they more book smart or street smart? Anti: “Well...okay, I guess I’m a bit of both? I’ve not read many books but I know all that Sean knows so...” Dark: “STREET SMARTS I’LL CUT YA BITCH” 28. How do they get out of a difficult situation? Anti: Faces it head on, though hesitantly Dark: “SEE ABOVE I’LL CUT YA” 29. Do they use their body, mind, personality or force to get what they want? Anti: “I’d say my personality is pretty persuasive.” Dark: “*laying on a bed, naked, rose in his mouth* Hey.” 30. What music do they enjoy? Anti: “I like all sorts of music! Modest Mouse, Mumford and Sons, Caravan Palace; chill stuff.” Dark: “Heavy metal and rock baby. And uh...don’t tell anyone but uh...some blue grass.”

31. How do they overcome obstacles? Anti: “I believe we were asked this already.” Dark: “I’LL CUT YA.” Anti: “Yeah, I think we’ve been asked variants of these.” 32. When faced with a difficult decision do they get stronger or break? They both get stronger. They’re like any good relationship; can be hurt, but never broken 33. Do they have any special powers? Anti: Going berserk, control over most technology, teleportation Dark: Fire magic and control over fire, teleportation, immortality, flightless wings made of fire 34. How do they change throughout the story? Anti: Learns to...well, be himself. He’s changed a lot over the course of this madness. Dark: Learns to be less harsh...well, mostly towards Anti. 35. Do they have any friends? If so, are they close knit? Anti: “Sean and Signe! And Bea and Sukino, C-A, C-B, Marzia...a lot of people in the CDO, really!” Dark: “No.” Anti: “Come on, you have friends!” Dark: “My two best friends are Ben and Jerry.” *holds up two pints of icecream* Anti: “I don’t get it.” 36. How is their family life? Anti: “Considering I’ve already listed my family members, pretty good!” Dark: “Same, I guess.” 37. Are they likable? You tell me! 38. Are they the hero, or anti-hero? Honestly, I think Dark is more of an anti-hero than Anti. 39. Do they make questionable choices? YES. Very rash decisions. They don’t think much before they act. 40. How do they become who they are? Time, love, and a lot of bloodshed. 41. How was their childhood? Anti’s childhood was miserable, considering he was trapped in Sean’s mind. Dark’s childhood was when he was created, about six years ago. Other than Mark trying to literally exercise him out of his house with a priest and everything, things were pretty okay. 42. Are they close with anyone who is going to screw them over? ...I WANT TO SPOIL SO MANY THINGS 43.How do they adapt to different situations? Do they adapt at all? Anti adapts and evolves very easily. I wanted that to mirror how technology advances and whatnot. Dark is kinda like an old man, stuck in his ways. 44. How do they speak? Examples - Are they soft spoken, hot heated, vulgar Anti: Calmly Dark: Quickly, hot heated, and vulgar 45. Are they opposed to violence? Anti: “I mean, no? It just kind of happens.” Dark: “AW HELL NO I’MMA CUT--” Anti: “WOuld you stop?!” 46. When is their birthday? Anti: “Halloween!” Dark: “August? Was I born in August? I don’t think it was summer, it was kind of chilly.”

47. Are they quick to judge? Anti: “I try not to be.” Dark: “Fuck yes.” 48. Do they have anything they are trying to hide from others? Anti: “...the whole...berserk thing.” Dark: “We’re trying to hide the fact I’m alive from the CDO. ...and my love of bluegrass.” 49. Do they act different around different people? Anti: “I try not to.” Dark: “I think I have a total mood shift when I’m around Anti.” 50.Do they enjoy the arts? Anti: “Of course!” Dark: “Cinema, plays, broadway, yeah but not like...painting and sculptures and shit.” 51. Do they like science? Anti: “Computers fascinate me.” Dark: “No but you should hear Mark talk about space holy shit.” 52. Are they more emotional or logical? Anti: “I try to be logical but emotions get in the way.” Dark: “...same.” 53. How do they deal with their emotions? Anti: “Let them out. You gotta let ‘em out.” Dark: Bottles everything up inside. 54. How do they cope with sadness? Anti: See “dealing with death” Dark: Same 55. What is something they care about? Anti: “The safety of my loved ones.” Dark: “Flaming hot cheetos.” Anti: “...” Dark: “What? OH, you too. Love you.” 56. Would they die for anyone/anything? They would most certainly die for each other. 57. What do they do when they are happy? Anti: Quietly soaks in the moment Dark: You will certainly know when Dark is happy. 58. How would they come across to other characters? Examples- messy, lazy, childish, caring ect Anti: Shy, means well Dark: A douchebag 59. Do they have a phrase they use over and over? Anti: Nah not really Dark: “WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB! RIKKI TIKKI TAFFI BIIIIITCH!!!!” Anti: “Just say no.” 60. In a crowed room are they in the corners, sides, or in the middle? Anti: more to the side, not hiding in a corner but not at the fore front either Dark: in the middle and probably trying to take up as much room as possible 61. Are they comfortable being in a crowed room? Anti: Yeah, nothing to be afraid of. Just a room full of people. Dark: Same 62. How do they relax? Anti: Thinkin’ tub Dark: Liquor and a cigarette 63. Have they ever harmed anyone and regretted it? Verbally or physically? Anti: “...” Dark: “...” 64. Do they like to dance? Anti: “Around the house, yeah, a little.” Dark: *is dancing right now* 65. How do they get around their environment? Examples - horses, bike, vehicle They both walk around town or teleport 66. What is their pet peeve(s)? Anti: can’t think of any Dark: EVERYTHING 67. Do they have a disability? No 68. How do they react to getting flowers? Anti: “How sweet! Thank you!” Dark: “*blushing* Aw, uh...thanks.” 69. Would they ever wear a flower crown? Anti: “I’d love to!” Dark: “Hell yeah, I’d rock it, too.” 70. Do they like themselves? Anti: “...” Dark: “Fuck yeah, I love me.” 71. Who do they dislike? Anti: “I can’t think of anyone I’ve met that I don’t like yet.” Dark: “Mostly everyone.”

72. What is their motto? Anti: “Never give up.” Dark: “GRAAAAAAAASS tastes bad. AIDS!” Anti: “Stop quoting Rick and Morty.”

73. Do they have any markings on their body? Anti: None Dark: Scars from Anti 74. Have they ever been abused? No 75. What is their biggest fear? Anti: Being trapped in Jack’s mind again Dark: Loosing Anti 76. What are their goals? Anti: Overcome his powers Dark: To die 77. How do they go about achieving their goals? Anti: Spars with Dark Dark: Hasn’t figured it out yet 78. Do they have a fight or flight response? Both of them have a fight response 79. Is there someone in their life that they care about more than themselves? Each other 80. How would they fair in zombie apocalypse? They would do JUST fine. 81. Do they have any tattoos? If so, are they significant? Anti: “I’d love to get a tattoo one day!” Dark: “Me too. Right on my ass.” 82. Are they good at mental math? Anti: “I’m not good at...any math.” Dark: “Fuck math.” 83. Do they get along with others? Anti: Very well! Dark: No 84 Are they lazy? Anti: No, he does most everything around the house Dark: Very lazy 85. Are they self motivated? Anti: Yes Dark: Needs a push 86. How do they cope with anger? Anti: If he’s angry, he kinda hulks out Dark: Punches his way through life and his problems 87. Have they ever been in a situation where they were helpless? Both of them have. Very emotional. 88. Are they organized or messy? Anti: Organized. Dark: Messy. 89. Can they remember a lot of information at once? Anti: Anti probably can Dark: “lol no” 90. What is their occupation? Anti was a stock boy at a grocery store and Dark was forced to be a CDO knight 91. Do other characters respect your OC, if so, is it out of fear? Or do they respect your OC because they like them? No one really fears Dark, so yeah, they respect Dark to an extent. No one has admitted they’re afraid of Anti, they don’t want to hurt his feelings. 92. If they were given minutes to live, what would they do? Who would they want to see and say? Anti: “Dark and only Dark. I’d want...I’d NEED him to hold me. I can’t tell him enough how much I love him.” Dark: “I. Can’t. Die.” 93. How do they deal with stress? I mean, how they handle other emotions, really. 94. Do they have a more submissive or dominate personality type? Anti: Submissive Dark: Dominate 95. Do they have a pet? Anti: “I want a dog SO BAD!” Dark: “...maybe I should surprise Anti with a dog one day...” 96. Do they have a stash of weapons? Anti: No Dark: “Bitch, I AM a weapon.”

97. Where do they live? Who do they live with? In brighton with each other! 98. How do they calm themselves down? Dark sings Anti to sleep. Dark never calms down. 99. Are they co-dependent? They need each other. 100. Are they a day, or night person? Anti: Night person Dark: “I don’t sleep, either, so I’m like...an all the time person.”

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc.

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all.

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #depression #social anxiety #perfectionism #self-motivation #self-encouragement #thoughts #feelings #family #Let's try our best! :3 #baby steps #believe in yourself #onwards to victory!

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anxiously-articulated-art · 4 years

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It’s been awhile...

I float between jotting my thoughts down in a journal and clicking key strokes here on this digital blog/journal I’ve created. Honestly depends on my mood. Today was a doozy. I woke up happy, smiling at the day with it smiling right back at me. So many beautiful people surrounded me with love and positivity. And then I decided to ruin all of that by looking. And when I looked at the profile, I saw my photo. Headline and center. My artwork is almost like a gateway into knowing how I view an individual. And my god is my work of her absolutely stunning. Probably the best work I’ve ever done. But I can’t look at it without a deep thundering ache that resonates in my soul. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since. I don’t understand. She wanted a new life, a different life. One without me in it. And she made that very clear. Yet my name and my beautiful art is plastered everywhere on her social media. She has barely posted any photos of her new life, yet continues to post the photos from the memories we created together. She even reached out regarding my message to be cautious concerning past events only because I didn’t want anything legal to come of it. Still radio silence on my end. I can’t bring myself to have a conversation with her because I fear that I am still angry inside. Still broken. And with this distance. This silence. It is what is holding me together. I’ve been alone with my haunting thoughts. No one to distract me mentally or physically. No one too divulge into. No one to saturate myself with. I’ve had to face this deep aching pain by myself. And learn to keep a level head. And learn to forgive and let go. Some of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I still struggle with those same tasks, I know I could never trust her again. At least that’s what my brain and heart are telling me. But I know I still have love for her in my heart that she doesn’t deserve. My friend pulled me aside at the beach one day and told me that it is okay to love someone till the day you die even if they aren’t good for you. Even if they hurt you. And that with that love existing, you are allowed to love others beyond measure. It’s okay to love myself enough to take that broken love and gently place it in a box at the back of my mind where it cannot be disturbed or release. The dreams are constant about her. I think apart of me hopes she realized she made a mistake. Realizes that our love was infinite. Difficult because of our need for growth, but infinite nonetheless. That achy love part of my heart just wants to hold her and Lincoln in my arms again, holding them tight as if it were the last time I’d get to hold my little family again. Then the other part of me, the broken side- angry and distant. Emotionally closed off, wants her to come crawling back just so I can say no and see the pain in her eyes, the same pain she caused me. That’s the angry irrational side of me. But truth be told, I don’t know what I would say or do if I saw her and was put in a position where I had no choice but to speak with her and acknowledge her presence. I guess my response would entirely depend on her intentions. Would she be speaking with me just to find a way to keep a toe in my life. So she could keep tabs on me and try to side burner me again when her hot flames die down. Or would she be apologetic- just wanting to clean up the mess we created. Or apologetic enough to ask for a “Do Over”. Or better yet, to just be angry with me and continue telling me how worthless I am:

”Logan, you would be nothing without me.”

“I’m a lesbian I’m not sure if I could date someone who is transgender.”

“I never even wanted to be with you! I never even wanted to go down on you.”

Now I know it takes 2 to tango in a relationship. And I’ll admit, I was not the perfect boyfriend. But god dammit, I was trying so hard to be perfect for her. Everything she needed. I tried to take care of the daily things, the adult errands to ease her work load. Since her and I both suffer from significant mental illnesses. And I took on employment that I didn’t know if my head space was ready for. I was dealing with being newly sober from drugs, without professional help. And no one really understands why addiction is such a difficult thing to deal with. The drugs are always at the forefront of your brain.

Do you need to get high?

Can you handle this without getting high?

Is there anything close by I can sneak a high from?

If I just curb it this one time, I won’t totally relapse.

And then the relapse hits and I will use whatever money or belongings of value around me just to get the next hit. It doesn't matter who I hurt at that point. As long as I got my fix. It becomes a cataclysmic downward spiral. And I didn’t want to be that man again. She is the reason I was able to break that cycle in the first place. She is the reason for the first time in my life I wanted to get clean. Because I never wanted her to question her place in my life. That she would always be #1 right next to Lincoln.

So there was that at the forefront of my brain, day in and day out. And with the pressure of NEEDING to make at LEAST 80k from my first year at this job, unearthed years of anxiety that i didn’t know existed. Anxiety was very new to me and I had no contingency plan in place to handle that unearthing. I wasn’t even sure I totally recognized it let alone what triggers it or how to deal with it. Any time I saw prices or dollar signs, my mind would just lose it and go into a perpetual spiral of “you will never be able to afford to date her. You will never be able to financially afford to marry her. Or raise kids with her. just give up now.”And with the insurmountable amount of love I have for her, those thoughts tormented me to suicidal tendencies that she never knew I had, and probably to this day has no clue I had them/sometimes still do. The amount of times I almost didn’t come home from work because I would rather slam my car into a median at 80+mph with no seatbelt, in hopes I would be ejected from the vehicle and end up impaled on steel pole where i die upon impact....I had the plan down perfectly every time. But what stopped me from doing it, are the texts she sent me telling me how much she was struggling and needed me. And my god I love her so much that I needed to be home to take care of her. I needed to make sure she was okay.

But my love didn’t fill her the same way her love filled me. She still needed something more. Something that I couldn’t give. I could say it was because I was transgender or it was because of the money, but the truth is- I will never know.

If I could go back and do things differently, what would I change? I’m not sure that there is any specific moment or action I could have changed that would have prevented the demise of our relationship. I do know I would have advocated for myself more. Made more time for therapy so I could genuinely work on my flaws with depth and dedication. I didn’t want any of my anger to transpire into that relationship. I didn’t want any of my short comings or failures to infect the precious love I have for her. Maybe I would have held her in my arms more. Not that it would have saved our relationship but just so I had a more permanent feeling of her embrace to remember. I would have asked her to sing more because her voice did nothing but calm my chaotic soul. I would have tried to make her laugh more because Jesus Christ her laugh was the best sound in this world. I would have focused on myself more, making myself more of a rock; sturdy and strong for her to hold on too while she figured out life. I would have wanted to get my issues sorted out so she wouldn't have to battle those with me.

Take the cheating away. Take the horrible things she said away. And honestly I would have never walked away. I would have continued to fight for her and love her. I didn’t care about the things that consumed her mind and soul. Borderline Personality disorder? Alright baby we got this. Let’s do this. It would have never changed my love for her, in fact I would have loved her harder. And I think that’s why I still love her. She could gain 200lbs and be batshit fucking crazy and I still would have gone to the ends of the earth for her. I would have figured out a way to give her that life she was looking for. But I needed more than just a year. I needed more time. And most of all I really needed her support. I really needed her to believe in me. Because fuck I believed in her. I still do. But here I am, over 1000 miles away from my “would have been family”. Thinking about them. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I want nothing more than the last year to not have existed. Because then her and I would be right back to when things were good. When we would just gaze at each other with the cheesiest grins and heartfelt giggles. When the kisses were soft, loving and passionate. When all I wanted to do was take pictures of her. Look into her eyes. Hold her hand, kiss her forehead and hear her heart beat. I would give anything to get those moments back.

But here now in the future, things were said and things were done that incinerated bridges. That I’m not sure that even purest of apologies or forgiveness could fix. But god if they could be fixed I would catapult myself across that broken bridge just to hold her and love her again. And the kicker to all of this is, I haven’t a single clue if she ever really loved me. The same love that still makes my heart ache today- months later, miles away. I have no clue what I truly and honestly meant to her. I know I need to let go and I promise I will. I already have let go quite a bit. It’s been radio silence on my end. She would have to physically show up here on my door step to get an answer from me.

I just need to learn how to lock this part of my life away. Because at least for right now, what I am feeling in this very moment. I’m always going to love her with every fiber of my being and soul. And it will probably be like that for a very, very long time. And I need to remind myself that it’s okay to still love and mourn the loss of my “would be family”. So I can allow myself to make room for new more fulfilling love. And this is where I need to love myself enough to know that right now in this life time, her and I were never meant to be regardless of how hard the universe tried pulling us together. She made that clear,

RIP:

L+D+L+R+H

The would be Bakers

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windup-warrior · 5 years

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Prompt 18: Marked (Makeup)

The Mark of the Fury

“It was as though committing murders had purged him of lesser rudeness. Or perhaps, Starling thought, it excited him to see her marked in this particular way. She couldn't tell. The sparks in his eyes flew into his darkness like fireflies down a cave.”

― Thomas Harris, The Silence of the Lambs

From a young age, my father decided that my influence in his life warranted Rhalgr as my guardian deity. Throughout my life, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I thought it was a suiting choice. Some take their guardian solely based on their birth date but no, not my father. By birth alone, my guardian would have been Llymlaen, the Navigator. See, not very suiting. I guess I do not really blame him for deeming Rhalgr more suitable. As I come into my adult life, I think I have decided that while his motivations for doing so were not necessarily kind, he was not incorrect.

But destruction is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a natural part of the life and death process and ultimately paves the way for greater, newer things to be built. It culls weakness and clears a foundation for the next cycle of all things. This is true for people or animals or nature or even civilization as a whole. The Breaker of Worlds was not gloom and doom as others so claim. After all, he too was a father. His son, Byregot, is the purveyor of architecture and industry and a god of the arts. His daughter, Halone, is the mover of glaciers and is a goddess of war. She also happens to be the patron deity of Ishgard and my father’s birth guardian.

Ironic, is it not?

The Fury was brought into this world by The Destroyer, the irony of which is not lost on me when it comes to my father and I. If I were the type to sit and psychoanalyze myself, I might even say that perhaps my father and I were backwards. He is the destroyer, the architect of our family’s ruination, and I am the rage left in his wake. I am the fire and ice all wrapped into one, made solely for the sake of raining this fury down upon others.

“Look what you did.” Those had been his dying words, his head set upon my knee as I held him in hopes of guarding him against the flames that roared around us while our home burned to the ground. Though I had been but twelve at the time, he had no qualms about putting an insurmountable burden upon my shoulders that I would end up carrying for the rest of my life. He blamed me, a child, for all the ill omens in his life. If he got sick, it was my fault. If a hunt went poorly, it was my fault. If we did not eat for a week because he was too drunk to provide for us, it was most definitely my fault.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

By the grace of the Fury, I bore this weight alone. Thank the Twelve that he never sired any other children, at least none that he knew about. That he might visit this rage and anger upon another child makes me ill to think about. By that right alone, I would gladly bear that weight upon my own shoulders until it broke my back if I had to.

Look what you did. At the time they had been a condemnation, one last admonishment from a man who had never loved me. Only through some diluted sense of honor did he make a half assed attempt at caring for me in a physical sense. He put food on the table (sometimes), kept a roof over our head (usually), and kept us warm (on occasion). But it was always begrudgingly, as if he wanted to be rid of me but knew that even if he was, his shame would keep him from returning to the life he had left behind in Ishgard. On numerous occasions did he have a chance to rid himself of my burden and on those occasions, he did little to stop the tide that sought to overtake us, as if passive allowance of my demise would save him the shame of killing me himself.

Look what you did. I survived. I survived when he would have liked anything but. When the fire raged and consumed the entirety of my material life and the mortal life of my father, I survived. Not only did I survive but I was tempered by the flame, strengthened against the cold of a world that cared not if I lived or died. I fought the hand I was dealt and I came out on top. Sure, it had been a gamble and seldom was it without struggle. But here I am, pushing twenty-three and thriving. For the first time in what has been such a very long life, I am thriving.

Look what you did. If he could see me now, would it make him proud to see how far I have come or would he rage at the thought that I could be successful without him? I have made my mark upon this world and though my light will one day be overtaken by darkness once more, I can say that I made Eorzea better. Not just Eorzea, but everywhere my adventures have taken me. Each and every one of them, I have endeavored to buck the labels that he so easily thrust upon me when I was but a child, to prove not only to him but to myself that I could be more than the sum of my trauma and tragedy. So often, it is easy to place blame upon our cards, as if they are solely to blame for what we get in life. But I think that is a piss poor excuse, a reason for apathy, enabling a trend of victimization that allows people to wallow in their sorrow for far longer than could be conceivably reasonable. Not me. I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I refuse to be the child they whispered about in hushed tones and spoke of the evil I would bring upon this world. I adamantly refuse to subscribe to the notion that I will bring nothing but hell to those whose lives I touch.

I refuse.

Twelve be damned, I refuse!

In a life where so much hinges upon balance, I walk the thin line between here and there, between the seen world and the void. Between the light and the dark. Between life and death. Between seen and unseen. Between good and evil. I will walk that damned line like the best of them, if only to prove them all wrong. I am more than they ever thought I would be and that knowledge alone will be my revenge. My I told you so. My big middle finger in the face of everyone who ever doubted me.

Look what you did. I rose above, Papa. I climbed out of the pit of despair that you dug for us both and at last the light of the sun warms my skin against the cold you would have otherwise filled my life with. For all that you let them fashion me into a monster, I have become anything but. I am not proud of everything I have done along the way but you know what they say… the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I would say that the road to heaven is paved with hard decisions and difficult deeds. I spent so long believing him, believing that I was never meant to be anything more than a savage if left to my own devices and you know… I was for awhile. And now I am more. More, more, so much more.

With that in mind, back to the subject at hand. In my time, I have come to embrace Rhalgr as my guardian but for all that he may be my guardian, he has as much influence over me as my own father ever did. He is there, a presence that I seek to prove wrong whenever I can, to show him that destruction is not the end but rather the beginning. We fall apart to rebuild ourselves into something bigger, better, stronger. Like kintsugi pottery, molded into something beautiful and shiny not by masking our flaws but rather by accentuating them, treating our breakage and subsequent repair as a piece of our history rather than something to be hidden away and not talked about. This truth I will continue to believe and as such, I will continue to rage against those that seek to silence my destruction, to cover it up and pretend it does not happen, pretend that I do not matter or exist.

Rhalgr is my guardian but I bear the mark of the Fury upon my soul. Halone guides my hand and blesses my blade, marked by Rhalgr as it may be, and though Ishgard will likely never claim me as their own, I fight with the knowledge that once upon a time, I fought for Ishgard too. Exhibitionary as the skirmish may have been, I still got the opportunity to don the colors of House Fortemps and to fight beneath the banner of the Holy See. It is quite likely something I will never get the chance to do again but for the short time that I did, it was a taste of what I could have given to them had things been… different. That said, I will not allow myself to get caught up on What Ifs. Those things can easily be the death of the most solid of souls. What Ifs can haunt you like the scariest of specters and I refuse to let them shade my life. My venture into fighting for the Holy See of Ishgard was just that, a venture, not meant to prove permanent station. Instead, my calling is to Eorzea and Hydaelyn as a whole. The Alliance will always need me in some way and as time goes on, I am certain that others will find need for my strength and talents, so much so that even if Ishgard came calling, I do not know if I could, in good conscience, say yes to them.

The Fury would have to forgive me for that at the very least. Until then, I remain stalwart in my bid to continue proving them wrong, with a hand of destruction and a heart of fury.

#FFxivWrite2018 #writing prompt #prompt 18 #marked #makeup #rhalgr #halone #ishgard #karma rambles

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lorei-writes · 4 years

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Warlords & apathetic/depressed MC

Featuring: Masamune, Nobunaga, Ieyasu (in that order)

Notes: I chose “apathetic/depressed MC” for the title, as I think it varies between my hc for each character (in Masamune’s headcanons MC is rather just apathetic, while in Nobunaga’s she seems to be depressed).

Masamune:

It started slowly, with less and less things filling his lover’s eyes with joy.

Initially, he thought she was just tired - after all, she was always pushing herself to work more. Yet, he changed his mind after her state didn’t improve in a couple of days.

Firstly, he tried to engage her in some rather exciting activities - he’d ride with her through the fields and show her the nearby villages and towns.

He suspected his lover might just miss her friends from Azuchi, yet when he asked her about that, she denied.

Finally, Masamune gave up on guessing games and decided to simply ask her during dinner, for which he prepared their favorite meals.

“ Lass, I need to know - what is wrong? You haven’t been acting like yourself recently. Is something bothering you?” “ No, everything is fine,” she answered, a blank smile on her face. “ Just tell me,” Masamune insisted eagerly. “ How do I... ,” she sighed. “ It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t know. I don’t even know when it started. I just... Everything seems pointless. No matter what I do, all I see are flaws. My sewing and my art seem joyless and empty. And those places you took me? They were beautiful and the food was tasty, but in the end, all I felt was numbness. I just want to sleep... Masamune, I don’t know how to fix that.” He moved closer to her and hugged her. “ This feels nice, though,” she admitted. “ We’ll figure it out together, kitten,” he promised.

Masamune would encourage her to keep trying. Although he couldn’t solve her problem by himself, he’d try to do his best - he’d remind her of how meaningful her art is, how people appreciate her sewing; he’d try to introduce some (more) novelty into their lives; he’d take her to the places they had felt most alive.

Masamune would definitely encourage to build a support network for herself - he’d encourage her to meet new people, to make friends and to maintain friendships.

Slowly, but surely, his lover would get better.

Nobunaga:

He started being concerned about his lover once she claimed she wasn’t hungry the third day in a row.

He would want to talk with her in private as soon as it was possible, as something was clearly bothering her.

Nobunaga would prioritize his fireball over the workload, or at the very least he’d try - he couldn’t find her anywhere.

His dissatisfaction was only worsened by urgent reports - a small army was gathering near the borders of his territory. Most likely, it was just local rebellion, yet he had to plan for his troops to be sent out.

As soon as he wrapped his work up, he’d rush to look for his lover.

This time, he’d find her in her room.

“I demand you tell me what is wrong,” Nobunaga said, sitting next to her. “ Nothing, really. I just feel a bit odd.” “ Are you ill?” “ No, it’s all in my head, I suppose”, she answered, playing with her fingers. “ Then tell me. Now.” “ You see, I just... I can’t find the motivation. I’ve been forcing through the days for some time now and... And it’s hard,” she answered hesitantly, carefully looking for words to describe her state. “ It almost feels as if I should just give up and sleep all day.” Nobunaga would take her hands into his. “ Your life belongs to me. If you can’t find any other reason to keep living, live for me.”

He wouldn’t know how to help her, but he’d try. He’d remind her to take care of herself. He’d drag her out of bed. He’d make sure she ate properly. He’d try to entertain her and show her her worth and just how important she is for him.

Ieyasu:

He would know right when she stopped trying altogether.

She wasn’t even trying to disprove him. Whenever he told her she wasn’t doing something right, she just seemed... To believe him?

It didn’t sit right with him. Ieyasu knew he was bad - really bad - with words. Yet, never before she had actually given up when he told her to.

He’d observe her carefully, in hopes of figuring it out. He noticed how apologetic she became, how she didn’t even attempt to stick up for herself.

Ieyasu tried being more encouraging of her, but then she started putting herself down on her own.

Finally, he’d gather himself and initiate a conversation about his concerns.

It would be at the end of the day, when they were lying in the futon, ready to fall asleep.

“Hey. What is going on?”, he started, averting his gaze from her. “I think I don’t understand the question.” “You do. Why are you so apologetic? Why have you started to give up?” After a few minutes, she spoke: “ I’m sorry I worried you. It’s really nothing.” Ieyasu bit his tongue, looking frantically for words to articulate himself. He looked her in the eyes. “Just tell me already,” he uttered. “ I... I think it’s better if I give up. I can’t do a single thing right. I can’t focus on anything, but I also can’t rest. Ieyasu, I... I feel worthless. I feel guilty.” He wasn’t sure how to respond, so he hugged her tightly. “ You are not. You are none of those things,” he mustered.

Ieyasu would definitely watch his language since that talk. He would try to praise her, he would encourage her to challenge herself and to express the “ugly feelings” that clouded her mind. He’d probably also recommend her to be open about the matter with her other friends too.

#ikesen masamune #masamune date #ikesen nobunaga #nobunaga oda #ikesen ieyasu #ieyasu tokugawa #ikesen hc

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