Well Ben stopped by briefly during stream and distracted Tim from game, but it did create a good bit of silliness including: a starter argument, kirkland jesus, worship!, draw back the curtain, shots fired at everest, Gavin From Autoglass saga, whats replAcE in FrENcH, toot toot, Ben gives Tim Directions, jump (not jump off), L it!, well done!, boiler suits but no gloves, MA NA NA, hanging brain, na NA NA, LBJ and monster dong, DA NA NA, Ben describes Gritty, BLOBBYBLOBBYBLOBBY, Ben Leaves (screenshots included), leaky basement, less milk and fewer ladders, Tim likes knob, called it!, sir this is a wendys, physics?, gifts for Tim?. NA NA NAAA, monksportation system, nailed it!, jesus stuck in the middle with you, and i love you! huggies!

art by erebusodora, screenshots by me

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

Page 6 of my Miraculous Mentor AU comic A Matter of Trust! I previewed this unfinished page back in 2022 when I started this project, and now it's here - love at first shriek!!! 🐞❤️😾

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i think the most bizarre reaction to seeing fanart (other than going "i thought this was [totally unrelated thing that it doesnt even look like]') is to go 'this isn't canon'. like.... yeah it's not supposed to be?

people have headcanons! there are also different interpretations of unclear or hard-to-quantify-exact-meaning canon!

but it doesn't even have to be a headcanon. art is an exploration of thoughts and concepts. it's an expression of creativity. sometimes it's just a fun exercise. for fun. any time i see someone go 'thats not what really happened' i dont think 'aw shit i got it so wrong', i think: wheres your joie de vivre. your whimsy. embrace things that arent real

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)

As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)

He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.

(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)

It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.

(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)

They noted this on her chart: 8:38 A.M. After which, according to their records, Annie lapsed back into her impenetrable isolation and did not utter another word. The doctor on call noted this on her chart:

“May have been responding to auditory hallucination.”

Jiang Cheng is fashionable and rich and handsome and politically powerful and strong and skilled and smart and funny and he is still somehow a deeply cringefail sopping wet Pomeranian of a man. Now THAT’S talent.

the shyest creature on earth dreams of art streaming

happy fiddleford friday (thoughts in tags)

My physical therapist asked me about bnha today??? and was discussing the symbolism and w me???? and asked abt my favorite characters??????? He’s healing me inside and out bro

"What's cookin', good lookin'?"

AKA I love how unhinged both Alfred and Bunet are and I want to study their brains.

Every time I make a timber post on twitter I get hate because apparently I am a “misogynist fujoshi that sexualizes male gay relationships for my deranged enjoyment”… I should stop posting over there

Rin, identity issues, and the complications of being an isolated, alienated teenager

It feels sort of weird to say but I generally don’t head canon characters as having particular sexualities. Whatever people go for in fics is usually fine with me - gay, lesbian, bi, pan, something more general like queer. As long as it makes sense for the story they’ve built and the character they’ve shaped to fit it, I’m good. Unless you’re ignoring a canon LGBTQ+ sexuality, in which case, yeah, I’ll take issue with that.

But anyway. Rin.

I’ve got my personal ship for him (BonRin my beloved), but regardless of the pairing I see him as bisexual. He’s so open with his infatuation with Shiemi, and okay, sure, fandom likes to ignore the love interest in shounen for the most part because we’ve got gay ships to peddle. But I don’t see the point in that unless it really reads like it’s a front, or a result of a character suppressing themselves for one reason or another. And with Rin, I think it’s pretty clear his affection for Shiemi is sincere. You technically have the in-universe evidence of the demon that brought out his true desires to back that up, but even without it, Rin likes her. It’s complicated because of Yukio and Shiemi’s own inexperience with romance, and yet I never once doubt he really likes her.

That being said… he’s very appreciative of the guys in his life, too. (Peddling my gay ship here) Bon in particular, considering he’s often admiring how cool he thinks Bon is, that his haircut suits him whether it’s the blonde rooster look or the undercut. If you don’t want to see it as romantic interest, that’s your prerogative, but to me Rin comes across as seeing cool and cute as different traits he finds attractive (in Bon and Shiemi respectively).

I also think his bisexuality would fit neatly into his narrative struggles to “pass” throughout the early parts of the series. Rin has grown up as the neighborhood problem child, ostracized for being violent, and eventually he decides he’s fine with just his brother and his father — and the rest of the monastery, presumably — for company. (Except that’s absolutely not true and clearly he’s starved for friendship and support.) People looked at him and saw a monster, even before his demonic heritage made an appearance; why would he bother giving them even more ammunition when it comes to reasons to hate him? So no matter when he figured out his attraction to guys, he’s not going to lean into it, because he also likes girls, right? (Ignoring for a moment that bisexuality is a lot more nuanced than that.)

Rin likes girls, Rin is human — that’s what’s going to get people to like him, or at the very least tolerate him. That he likes guys, that he’s half demon, he can shove that shit down and pretend it doesn’t exist. Lock up any stray thoughts and keep the sword sheathed around anyone who doesn’t already know.

(Excuse me for being amused by Rin wielding his humanity and supposed heterosexuality as a sword and shield.)

The problem, of course, is that he can’t keep up the facade forever. The narrative won’t let him. Rin has to embrace his demonic side, because it’s the only way to move forward and to continue to help his loved ones. And once he’s moved past the issue of his friends being upset over the deception, when they understand he’s still Rin despite what he’d hidden from them, Rin is finally allowed to be himself. He uses his flames, he lets his tail move freely in the open around the Cram School kids. Rin still doesn’t like this side of himself — it’s inextricably tied to every moment of pain and isolation he’s dealt with his entire life, including the death of Father Fujimoto (and, y’know, his mom). But he is moving forward, he’s trying to adapt.

And isn’t that some great fucking subtext for his bisexuality, too?

...I must confront Apollo with his wrongs. To force a girl Against her will and and afterward betray! To leave a child to die which has been born In secret! No! Do not act thus. But since You have the power, seek the virtuous path. All evil men are punished by the gods. How then can it be just for you to stand Accused of breaking laws you have yourselves Laid down for men? But if--here I suppose What could not be--you gave account on earth For wrongs which you have done to women, you, Apollo and Poseidon and Zeus who rules In heaven, payment of your penalties Would see your temples empty, since you are Unjust to others in pursuing pleasure Without forethought. And justice now demands That we should not speak ill of men if they But imitate what the gods approve, but those Who teach men their examples.

Ion (from Ion by Euripides, translated by R. F. Willetts)

Been thinking about Shinji and Momo and specifically abt them in relations to the system or the ideal of the system that kind of screwed them over. With Shinji being unjustly thrown out and no one rlly fully unpacking how much of an HR concern was Aizen’s weird boundaries with Momo. You once mentioned in one of ur posts abt Shinji that the Vizards for sure do not come back with full trust in the soul society again and have their own agendas. This makes me wonder how Shinji and Momo navigate that system together now that both of them have made the decision to continue to serve under it? Momo, herself does come across as duty bound but has shown instances of acting against it when she feels the need to for the sake of the greater good (like disobeying orders to save hisagi, or admitting that not all laws are good laws even if she’s technically quoting Aizen) Sorry for the rambling! These two just fascinate me cuz I feel like aside from the whole Aizen thing, they’re like two diff flavors of being back on the job after being screwed over. The somewhat jaded mentor and the eager beaver who got the rug thrown under her.

We joke about Gotei HR all the time, but honestly in the context of their own world and worldviews would Aizen and Hinamori come across to anyone as having weird boundaries? I’m not saying it didn’t get weird but I kind of feel like part of the nature of the thing is that it’d be hard for anyone in Soul Society to point to anything Aizen did that was notably weirder than anything else everyone else does. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be an HR violation somewhere (I just completed my state-mandated sexual harassment training three days ago, so it’s all nice and fresh, LOL) but even if the Gotei had HR I doubt it would have helped in Aizen and Hinamori’s case.

I know there are people who get very deep into canonicity debates about whether Aizen and Hinamori ever slept with each other, but I’m not personally all that interested in the genre as a whole—like, the nailing down of what is or isn’t canon. In fanfic, I figure anything goes if you can make it work for you in your story. For my part, I think Aizen would take pride in not having to have sex with Hinamori in order to make his plans work. Like an *everyone* does sexual manipulation but he doesn’t even *have* to and that’s the *beauty* of the game kind of deal.

But to the question itself!

My take on Shinji is that he is, of course, very well aware of the ways the Gotei fucked him and the rest of the Vizard, and has no illusions about that. But he’s not someone who simmers in that in the same way that Hiyori does.

Honestly, maybe a good comparison might be that Shinji treats the Gotei the way he treated Aizen as a vice-captain. According to Aizen, that was a mistake, but Shinji knows the Gotei better than he ever knew Aizen. Arguably, the Gotei is more knowable than Aizen. Shinji has a certain savvy about him with respect to the Gotei as an institution, and if you now how it works, then there are degrees to which it can be managed, and perhaps even made to work for you. And if you want that to happen, the only place you can do that work is inside it, as one of its Captains. Shinji’s known that since even before TBTP, probably since before he was even himself a Captain the first time around.

But I think another key element here is that Shinji is very, very good at separating the work from the institution from the people. He can engage his octopus brain and hold the meaning of what shinigami effect in the world separate from the ethical and bureaucratic conundrums posed by the Gotei, separate from the personalities that make it up (which are the problem and the best part about the Gotei in turns). He reminds me of this guy who’s been in my toxic-ass profession for AGES but still has a ton of energy and capacity for wonder and enthusiasm and being smart in ways that make everyone smarter, and he manages this by being absolutely ruthless about not getting all sopped up by departmental drama or overly precious about ~the profession~ and making very intentional decisions about what matters and what absolutely doesn’t. I think having that as a model was incredibly useful for Hinamori, as someone with a propensity to care deeply for and about everything.

I mentioned in the tags of another post that I envisioned Hinamori as having a healing justice orientation to the world, part of which is about locating “evil” outside of individuals. It is not inherent, but made. While this does not absolve Aizen of his actions or their supporting worldviews, a path to forgiveness is at least partly about recognizing the bigger picture that produced the conditions for the fomenting of these views/plans. (And that’s before the many ways the system failed them in ways that didn’t come directly through Aizen.) Which means that moving past Aizen is also about moving past the Gotei/Soul Society, while also continuing to work for it—in a major, responsible way.

Like, Hinamori is not clocking in to sweep the floors and then leave to her wife and kids. She’s leading the thing. So what’s the journey there? We see her reclaim her role as 5th Division Vice-Captain in the Winter War (as distinct from being Aizen’s Vice-Captain—ymmv on this, like Matsumoto’s does). In that role, Hinamori has not seemed to have much of a problem with challenging authority when she felt it just to do so, even in moments of more even temper (shouting at Byakuya over Renji’s unconscious body lol). Which I feel like lends credence to the idea that Aizen’s betrayal was probably not her introduction to the world being often an unjust and deeply painful place, or even to the Gotei being these things. Like, I think she understood that. Maybe Aizen even talked to her about that, and part of why she liked him so much was the opportunity to have these long, intellectual conversations about philosophy and governance. And what do you do at the end of these conversations? You can be bitter and angry about it; you can be angry and want to burn it down; you can drink the Kool-Aid and become complicit in it; you can naively deny it and either become complicit in it or get destroyed by it; or you can—

Do what Shinji and Hinamori do about it together, which is to resolve to be the energy they wish to see in the world, which in their interpretation also requires some complicity—being officers in Gotei—and, having made that choice, periodically needing to process that. I mean, I think that’s part and parcel of being involved in any kind of institution (I know I think about it allllll the fucking time), but I imagine the experience is further magnified by the particular histories Shinji and Hinamori have with the Gotei.

I imagine sometimes—a rough week at the office, or in the aftermath of a Blood War they wonder if they aren’t being too complicit. Or, conversely, if they aren’t echoing Aizen too much, in their resolution to craft a world of their own devising. But they were different people, both from each other and very much from Aizen; their devices and visions are different, too. And so the fear falls away.

It will come back. It will probably never leave. But sometimes it’s better to be haunted than not, and ghosts can be welcome reminders.

Love me, love my raccoon [Part 3/3]:

—Meeko's new favorite human <3