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awanderingdeal · 3 years

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An unfair race

I finally finished this! This fic is kind of a follow on to Endless Nights. Note: That fic is rated M and contains some sexual content, but you do not need to read it for this to make sense. I wanted to combine Finn talking with Heather, and an aspect of the discussion after that fic, where we talked about athletes in particular using exercise as a coping mechanism, and how this can sometimes turn unhealthy.

Some content warnings for this one: over exercise (if you'd like to skip the explicit description of this, skip to after the first stars, although there are a couple of mentions throughout), food mentions, self-depreciation and mentions of coming out/being outed.

Rating: T

If you feel I missed any content warnings or need to change the rating, please drop me a message!

The characters in this fic are from the sweater weather universe and belong to @lumosinlove

Finn’s entire body ached as his feet pounded against the path once more. His form was sloppy now, shoulders too hunched over and his strides falling without any real control. He forced himself onwards, breaths coming in fast pants, the straining muscles of his quads screaming desperately for more oxygen. And yet, his brain still whirred, obnoxiously loud thoughts pushing their way back to the forefront each time Finn managed to grasp a few blissful quiet seconds. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d passed the statue of the girl and her ducks, the smile on her face that he normally found so comforting becoming more and more irritating with each meeting. As he came to the gates of the park, Finn contemplated going home, but even just the reduced speed had brought the taunting thoughts back with a vengeance. One more go.

***

"H, has her jacket on. Has everybody got their game faces ready, boys?" It had been at least 30 minutes since James had made the joke as they all tumbled from the locker room, yet the sound of bright laughter still rang in Finn's ears.

He watched as Heather tugged her suit jacket more tightly around her, their eyes meeting for the third time in short succession. Fuck. Finn pushed his tongue against his mouthguard, sinking his teeth into the hard plastic. Later, self-inflicted as the need would be, he would complain about the new one he’d have moulded, each guard always feeling slightly different. For now, the rhythmic clench of his jaw was soothing.

Finn forced a breath through his nose, trying not to react too visibly as Heather dipped her head once more to add another scribbled note to the small, black book she carried everywhere. He forced himself to look away, knowing his constant glances were giving away his unease. Whilst Heather didn’t come to every training session, not even most, it wasn’t that uncommon to see her hovering around the edges of the ice, and ordinarily, only the very newest of the team paid any attention to her beyond an initial greeting.

“Earth to O’Hara!”

Finn held up his hand in apology, shaking himself back to the training session. Kasey’s eyes bored into him. It wasn't his usual intense stare, but something more concerned and Finn waited for the inevitable question. After a long few seconds, Kasey's eyes dropped to the puck, passing it back to Finn to take another shot.

The numbers on the clock inched forwards, slow and heavy like the sweet sticky molasses Leo was so fond of. Still, when Coach finally dismissed them for the day, Finn found himself wanting to take another lap. If he could get his thighs to burn enough then his head would race a little less, and it wouldn’t be too suspicious; Finn’s record of being last on the ice was surpassed only by Sirius. Before Finn could really consider it, Leo was next to him, knocking their shoulders together.

“Hey,” Leo cocked his head slightly, hair ruffled from the mask he’d recently pulled off and his pale skin glistening with sweat. He looked as beautiful as ever. Illogical as it was, it somehow made the dull ache in Finn's chest worse. "Everything good?"

"Yeah," Finn tried for a smile. "Busy brain today, that's all." There was no point brushing the question off completely; Leo was scarily observant. He and Logan often joked that he had eyes in the back of his head. Finn had no doubt he had caught the many pucks he had missed over the last hour.

"That sucks," Leo said, scepticism leaking into his voice. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Finn followed his glance behind them to where Logan was tussling with Jackson, loud rumblings of French intertwined with their laughter. "Or Lo, perhaps?"

"I like it when he looks like that,” Finn sighed.

"Mmm, me too” Leo hummed, his features softening. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that change of subject though, Sir. You don’t have to talk to me about it, but please don’t bottle it all."

Finn slumped into his stall, smiling as Leo lifted his hand to press a kiss to the knuckles. “I’m dealing with it.”

“Baby,” Leo started, his next word morphing into a stunted exhalation of air. His eyes closed briefly, his shoulders squaring before he relaxed them. He opened his mouth again, the sentence uttered clearly not what he’d originally planned on saying. "I'm going to take my padding off and head to see Lars. I think Loops is sticking around so I can get a ride with him if you two want to go home?"

Finn thought back to the quiet look of concern on Logan's face after he'd got home from his run the previous evening, and to the creased lines of worry at the corners of Leo's eyes earlier. "I think I might go and see Heather," he shrugged.

"Thank God," Logan appeared, wrapping his arms around Finn's waist. "Your runs were getting ridiculous."

"You didn't say anything?" Finn turned in Logan's arms, to rest his chin on top of his head.

"We were going to give you one more day. Leo wanted to speak to you this evening, only I had faith.”

"Oh, fuck off," Leo laughed. "You were just avoiding the conversation."

“I’m offended that you would even suggest that,” Logan burrowed into Finn’s chest. The sweat soaked gear they wore didn’t smell great, but neither of them seemed to care.

Moody huffed as he veered around them, his arms filled with tape. “No canoodling in the locker room.”

***

“As lovely as this chat has been Finn, if you really did just come in to catch up then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve got a couple of sessions this afternoon, and a mound of paperwork to complete,” Heather shifted in the forest green bucket chair. They were new since Finn had last been in here, replacing an ugly leather thing that Heather had always complained was too stereotypical. She’d removed her jacket now that she was back in her heated office, the item hung on the back of the door where it rightfully belonged.

Finn, freshly showered and changed, sat cross legged in the chair opposite. He reached forward to grab more pretzel sticks from the bowl on the table between them, puckering his lips as his tongue protested another injection of salt. “You know there is something I could do with your opinion on.”

Despite the reaction being minute, Finn saw the tiny upwards quirk of Heather’s lips. “Go on,” she encouraged.

“It’s dumb,” Finn muttered, drumming his fingers against the arm of the chair.

“Thoughts don’t have moral value Finn, it’s what we do with that’s important.” Heather pulled a handful of tissues from a box on the table, holding them out. “Tap away, but please spare the upholstery.”

“Sorry,” Finn grimaced, cleaning his hands of the salty residue.

“No need to apologise, I’m just still a bit precious about the new furniture.” Heather smiled. “Why do you think your issue is dumb?”

“It’s -” Finn tugged at his sleeve. “I can just never be happy with what I’ve got can I? I spent 8 years saying that if Logan could just love me back then I’d never complain again. And now I’ve got Logan and Leo and I’m still not happy.”

“What’s making you unhappy?

Finn breathed in deeply, scrunching his eyes shut. He’d spent weeks stuffing the pain into the tiniest box he could in his brain, and now here Heather was asking him to just - talk about it?

“Finn, look at me?” Finn did as he was asked, lifting his head to find Heather’s kind eyes. “I’m going to reiterate something I’ve said before. You can say anything you want here. It doesn’t matter if it’s selfish or unkind or if you think it’s stupid. Unless I think you’re a danger to yourself or anybody else, then nobody is going to hear about it.”

Finn bit his lip, wiggling his toes beneath his legs. “I get jealous,” he rushed out. “I get jealous of Cap and Loops and Potts and Lily and all those other couples who just get to hug and kiss and tell the cameras how stupidly in love they are.” He paused, the panic of having told somebody matching the relief, but now the words had started tumbling out he couldn’t stop. “I get so angry about it. Sometimes, for the tiniest second, I hate them. All of them.” he whispered, barely able to admit it. “And then I just feel worse. Because I love them too and it’s not their fault. Cap and Loops didn’t even get a choice in the matter. How messed up is it to be jealous of somebody that got outed?”

“Emotions are complex. It is possible for you to have sympathy for Sirius and Remus, whilst still feeling jealous that they now can be more open about their relationship.”

'I don't like it," Finn huffed. The sentence had come out mimicking a toddler having a tantrum. Finn wanted to act like one too, to throw himself on the floor and scream.

“Have you spoken to Leo or Logan about it?”

“No,” Finn frowned. “It would just make them sad and I don’t want them to pressure them. I don’t want them to know I think such horrible things.”

“Okay,” Heather nodded. “Imagine one of them came to you and told you everything you’d just told me. What would you say to them?”

“Wait.” A distressed noise fell from Finn’s lips. “Do they talk to you about this too? Both of them make a comment here or there, but we talked about it not long ago and we agreed that we weren’t ready.”

“Finn, you know I can’t tell you about what I discuss with Leo or Logan.”

“It was worth a shot,” Finn shrugged.

“So, what would you say?”

“I’d say they are entitled to be jealous. I'd say it’s not fair we don’t get to do everything the others do just because the world is homophobic and close minded and can’t imagine the three of us could love each other exactly the same as every other more traditional couple. I’d say that I know they don’t hate Cap or Loops or Potts or Lily, they hate the situation and that’s completely understandable. It fucking sucks and they can be angry about it." Finn drew in a hulking breath, Heather's outline a little blurred through his wet eyes. Each word had sent an aching pain through his body, similar to when he ran, only now he felt like was chasing something cathartic rather than running away.

"Earlier you said what you had to tell me was dumb," Heather said. "Can you explain why you think that it's dumb for you to feel that way, horrible even, but if it were Leo or Logan their feelings are valid."

"Maybe it's not dumb," Finn looked down at his hands, tracing over the freckles there. "But that doesn't change the fact I don't like having those thoughts. Especially when I don't want to act on them. I’m okay with waiting to tell people about us, if we ever do. They're not ready. I'm not ready."

"That’s something we can work on. Helping you to reframe those thoughts, I mean.” Heather slipped her notebook from where it had been tucked beside her and made a note. Finn leaned his elbow on his leg, tucking his chin onto his fist, trying to make his attempts to see the page surreptitious. Capping her pen, she gave a small chuckle, “I’m just leaving myself a reminder of what we’ve discussed. You can always ask what I’m writing, I’m not trying to keep secrets from you.”

Finn sat back, the book no longer quite so interesting now that it wasn’t forbidden. “So? That’s it?”

Heather hummed. “For today. I think you’ve got a lot to think about already. I’ll schedule some more sessions with you over the next few days, okay? It’ll give me a chance to get some new pretzels.”

"Thanks," Finn laughed, then gestured at the empty bowl. "For the pretzels. And the talk."

“That’s what I’m here for,” Heather said. “I’m just going to ask one thing of you before I see you next. Please try to keep your evening runs to a reason-”

“Who snitched?”

“There was no snitching, as you call it. We’ve just known each other for a while now, Finn. And as an employee of the Lions whose job it is to make sure you’re at top playing ability, I don’t want you to injure yourself. As your psychologist, I want you to have healthy coping mechanisms and exercising to that extent is not healthy.”

“I know,” Finn unfolded his legs, stretching them out. They’d gone stiff after being sat on for so long, the sensation coming back with an uncomfortable tingle. “I’ll try to keep the runs in check, promise.” His gaze fell on the closed door, steeling himself to leave. He stood, sending Heather one last smile. It was safe in here, but his boys were out there.

“See you soon, Finn.”

Stepping out of the office, Finn closed his eyes, giving himself a second to compose himself. A rustle of movement to his left caught his attention, startling a little at the sight of Leo and Logan. They sat on the floor, Leo’s hand resting on Logan’s knee where they were hunched to his chest.

“Sorry,” Leo scrambled to his feet, his arm outstretched to let Logan pull himself upright too. “We didn’t want to wait too far away. In case, well, I don’t know, you needed us.”

Finn joined them, immediately finding Logan attached to his side, his familiar warmth exactly what he wanted right now. “I’m okay,” he assured. “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it with you guys just yet. I need a bit of time to process, but just you being here makes things better. I’m going to see Heather a bit more too.”

“Proud of you.” Leo flanked him on the other side, taking his hand. Finn didn’t get to be in the middle often, Logan usually claiming the spot, and he felt like he had a kind of shield. “We just want you to be happy. And safe.”

“Can we go home, please?”

“Ouais, home,” Logan agreed.

#finn o'hara #logan tremblay #leo knut #heather #sweater weather #coast to coast #lumosinlove #rating: t #cw: overexercising #cw: food #cw: self-depreciation #cw: coming out #cw:outing

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meanderingandrambling · 7 years

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super cool character headcanons meme - all four marauders and/or Dumbledore and McG

ALL OF THE ABOVE

Okay this is gonna be under the cut because this is gonna be a looooooooooong post.

Let’s start with the Marauders

Sirius Black

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Obviously he doesn’t use an iPod, but I’d like to imagine he’d be into the wizarding equivalent of punk. Now of course, he’s the right age to be around right at the beginning of the scene and while I imagine wizarding music would be somewhat separate from muggle music, Sirius would probably sneak out to a muggle club just because it would piss off his family.

In any case he would definitely be listening to the wizarding equivalent of Queen, the Sex Pistols, the Damned, and David Bowie. Well, he’s just be listening to David Bowie. David Bowie was a wizard and there is nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise. As for specific songs I’ll just throw out a couple muggle ones I can see him getting into:

London Calling-The ClashBlitzkrieg Bop-RamonesKiller Queen-QueenStarman-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Oh man, where is this kid not falling asleep? He can fall asleep anytime, anyplace, and under any conditions. Though I think he’d tend to doze off right in the middle of the hallway. He’s between classes and sleepy? Why bother heading back to Gryffindor tower when there’s hardly any traffic in the Charms corridor this time of day?

I think he’d also turn into a dog and sleep under James’, Remus’, and/or Peter’s bed if he thought he could get away with it.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Surprisingly I’d think he’d be really good at charades. He’s just so expressive.

the emoticon they’d use most often

Smiling poop

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Falling asleep everywhere, extremely out of it, and grumpy. He slumps down on his hands and will just flip off anyone who tries to talk to him.

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Firewhiskey

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

I suspect he’d like to be a dog. I actually headcannon that this is a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma from his abusive family, and that was how he originally realized it might be a good strategy in Azkaban. He becomes a dog and naps in the sun.

Otherwiese plays obnoxiously loud music and jumps about for a while.

what they wanted to be when they grew up

Not their parents

their favorite kind of weather

Storms

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Oh it’s…not the best. Stealing from your answer I think he sounds like he’s howling or barking. Still tried to get James, Remus, and Peter to form a band with him though.

how/what they like to draw or doodle

Goofy pictures or obscenities, especially when in his friends’ line of sight. He liked to try and get Remus to laugh during class with his doodles. It rarely worked. James however, was always cracking up. Also stealing from you again, he definitely doodles the smiling poop emoji.

James Potter

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Like Sirius I could see James being into punk, though not as much. He’d accompany Sirius on his excursions to underground shows, but more out of a quiet curiosity. He’s really more of a prog-rock. He’s definitely really into Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. He also listens to Bowie.

So for James:

Black Dog-Led ZeppelinDogs-Pink FloydBaba O’Riley-The WhoRebel Rebel-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Like Sirius, James is pretty good at falling asleep when and wherever he can, though he’s not just gonna pass out in a hallway. His favorite forbidden sleep spot is in the library when he’s meant to be studying. Especially if Remus is there to be annoyed.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Quidditch

the emoticon they’d use most often

Winking

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Just miserable. You have to drag him everywhere.

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Butterbeer

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Honestly? He’s likely to take out his frustrations on whatever poor sap’s nearest. Though he started to grow out of that in his later years at Hogwarts. He’s since found listening to music while he stares at the ceiling and noshes on chocolate frogs a much better coping mechanism. That and a good broomstick flight.

what they wanted to be when they grew up

Pro Quidditch player

their favorite kind of weather

Bright, blustery days

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Nothing special. He can carry a tune, but just barely

how/what they like to draw or doodle

Abstract shapes and repetitive patterns. He finds it soothing.

Remus Lupin

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Remus has fairly eclectic tastes and unlike James and Sirius he’d pretty much only listen to wizarding music. He’s more of a folk and folk-revival type of person. Well that and whatever the equivalent of Fleetwood Mac is in the wizarding world (though we all know Stevie Nicks is a witch).

Rhiannon-Fleetwood MacBattle of Evermore-Led ZeppelinWitch’s Promise-Jethro TullMoonage Daydream-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Aside from the train? Remus likes to doze off outside under the trees on lazy sunny days.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Trivial pursuit/any pub quiz ever

the emoticon they’d use most often

O_O

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Poor thing is just kinda a zombie. Wanders around in a daze, sometimes the other Marauders have to sort of guide him to class.

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Tea or hot cocoa

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Chocolate and a good book

what they wanted to be when they grew up

Honestly his childhood was sort of…strange what with being a werewolf and all. He rarely had a concrete image of his adulthood because he had trouble seeing past his condition. He did have fantasies of being an author for a while though.

their favorite kind of weather

Mild, soft sunlight interspersed with periods of light showers

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

I actually think Remus has quite a nice voice, though he rarely sings

how/what they like to draw or doodle

Oddly elaborate scrolling patterns. Primarily of plants and flowers.

Peter Pettigrew

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Like Remus Peter mostly listens to wizarding music, his tastes tend to be fairly eclectic in tone. Also for some reason I think he’d be pretty into the Rolling Stones? Yeah, I dunno either.

(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction-The Rolling StonesMy Generation-The WhoStairway to Heaven-Lep ZeppelinWord on a Wing-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

I actually think Peter would have a difficult time sleeping and is the least likely to just doze off where ever. On the rare occasions he does decide to let himself drift off he, like James, is likely to fall asleep in the library.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Poker

the emoticon they’d use most often

Simple smiley

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Suggestible and just kinda out of it. Like Remus he’s gonna just drift through the day.

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Butterbeer

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Very long naps under a heavy pile of blankets

what they wanted to be when they grew up

Though it certainly wouldn’t suit him young Peter dreamed of being an Auror

their favorite kind of weather

Warm, sunny days

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Nothing special, he has difficulty singing loudly

how/what they like to draw or doodle

Really elaborate doodles, more like illustrations. He’s quite good actually.

Albus Dumbledore

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Dude has been around for a very long time and has very eclectic tastes in music. Seriously, he’s all over the place.

Gotterdammerung, it’s always difficult to separate out operas but I have the third act in mind-Richard WagnerIt’s Always You-Frank SinatraEleanor Rigby-The BeatlesSpace Oddity-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

He’s pretty good at falling asleep wherever, but his most likely dozing place is his office (wherever it happens to be) or else out by the lake.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Risk

the emoticon they’d use most often

Unicorn

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Goofy, their propensity to silly jokes and puns goes through the roof

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Butterbeer

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

Organizing his sock collection while munching on some lemon drops

what they wanted to be when they grew up

Great

their favorite kind of weather

Partially cloudy and mild

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Very fine, soothing and soft

how/what they like to draw or doodle

He’s not the greatest artist but he likes drawing people

Minerva McGonagall

2-4 songs that are probably on their iPod

Though she mostly like wizarding music she actually would listen to a surprising amount of muggle stuff.

What a Little Moonlight Can Do-Billie HolidayPiece of My Heart-Janis JoplinThou Hast Left Me Every Jamie-Karine PolwartHeroes-David Bowie

the one place they sometimes end up falling asleep — where they’re not supposed to

Hahahahahaaaaa…oh man, I cannot imagine McGonagall falling asleep when she’s not supposed to, but perhaps a little catnap by her office window.

the game they’d destroy everyone else at

Most things really, but for some reason I see her as a pretty fierce bridge player

the emoticon they’d use most often

Not much for emoticons. Perhaps the thumbs up once when she wants to appear approachable. It backfires horribly.

what they act like when they haven’t had enough sleep

Shot, cranky, sharp

their preferred hot beverage on really cold nights. or mornings. or whenever.

Tea

how they like to comfort/care for themselves when they’re in a slump

A long walk through a hilly landscape

what they wanted to be when they grew up

their favorite kind of weather

Wild, windy, and cloudy

thoughts on their singing voice (decent? terrible? soprano? alto?)

Pretty good, warm and lilting. She rarely sings.

how/what they like to draw or doodle

Small surprisingly detailed landscapes or animals. Lots of crosshatching.

#ask memes #replies #essayofthoughts #this was really fun #especially researching the music #nonsense for which I am responsible #i regret nothing #(i regret everything)#the marauders #sirius black #james potter #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #albus dumbledore #minerva mcgonagall #harry potter #hp

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