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millimim · 6 years

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Hello! As most of you know, recently there have been posts regarding a translator profiting off eastern artists’ works through patreon and ko-fi. Although she was never attacked, harassed, or explicitly mentioned by the original post, user @seairu-kun (tumblr) / @seairu_ (twitter) spoke up and admitted that it was her doing. Her most recent posts showed that instead of a proper apology to the artists, she responded with a post that named several translators who were completely unrelated to the incident, for actions she believes justify her own but are not the same.

This is a direct response to @seairu-kun for her allegations against the named individuals translating Katsudeku fanart from eastern artists and to explain why her methods are harmful towards these artists.

Before I respond to Seairu’s post, people will say “you should’ve messaged her personally” and I did (screenshots of this convo below).

the original ask message to Seairu: "Posting your translations privately is a good way to respect the artists' work, but posting them so only that people who pay you can read it is the opposite of respecting it... please create a private blog or something instead of using kofi and patreon to release privately, the artists get no revenue from what you're doing and exposure isn't a payment. having a kofi for tips or donations is perfectly fine, but translating a work doesn't make it yours, this money shouldn't be going to you."

1) “I didn’t realize providing my translations in private was a bad thing”

It isn’t, if it was a 1 unique translation to 1 unique commissioner for personal uses type of situation. She has been repeatedly charging people $3 on ko-fi for the same translated page. This means that she’s profited off the same translated page multiple times, which is different than charging 1 unique commissioner for 1 unique translation. In addition, Seairu asks for “donations” through ko-fi, but they are only donations in name. By withholding a product before a sum of money is given and charging “donors” (clients) for a “donation” (purchase), it becomes a TRANSACTION.

Translators such as shousanki, whom Seairu pointed out, minimize the damage done to artists by charging a unique commissioner once to cover the hours spent translating one unique doujinshi/comic and can scarcely be classified as a profit. This is more ethical than what Seairu has been doing, which is profiting off the same artist over the same artwork multiple times.

2) “...maybe have a talk with the other popular bakudeku translators in this fandom who post doujinshi on public sites like myreadingmanga while promoting their kofi links and zines?”

Shiku/shousanki (tumblr): “I don't know how Patreon works exactly, nor can I speak for other translators who use it, so I will only be clarifying how my own process goes. Generally when I take commissions it's for full-length doujinshi and inclusive of typesetting, cleaning, and editing services. Additionally, a large number of my commissions are private in that one client pays money for the completed product, along with exclusive rights to it, which means I won't redistribute it to anyone else. More commissions tend to be for original manga rather than doujinshi as well. In the case of public doujinshi translation, again, only one client-to-translator transaction occurs. I'd consider donations and commissions to be in entirely different leagues, too. Even if nobody donates money to my ko-fi, or nobody donates requesting a particular translation, whatever translations I have planned to post for free ends up posted eventually.”

Kat and Vivie/Revenge of the Dicku (MRM): “Hello, we’re very confused as to why we were brought up in the first place. We’ve never really interacted with seairu before; we’re not sure why she specifically named us when her argument seems to be pointing at any and all translators and we’re pretty new in the field. Not to mention, our situation is clearly very different because we give out all translations for free and never profit off of the original artist. As for our ko-fi, like most translators, we put up our link at the end of each doujin as a suggestion; it is meant to be on a purely donation-basis, aka we will NEVER withhold translations until someone gives us money. We produce translations, and if people wanna donate, it’s their choice. Moreover, these donations have and will be solely channelled to the production costs of the zine that we’re helming, so we essentially take no money out of this at all. Also, we’re not sure why our zine (AKOGARE) is implicated in this at all either. Either way, we do this so we can share with our friends so if people do not like what we do, then we will simply take everything down, it’s no loss for us. Thanks for listening.”

3) “I don’t understand how the fandom normalizes this and goes on reading scanlations of the BNHA manga every week, but turns around acting holier-than-thou while trying to ruin someone’s life in the process”

Scanlators (namely Fallen Angels and Mangastream) for BNHA offer their translations for free (you can choose to donate if you want), and do not charge readers $3 per translated page. The issue isn’t about reading things for free - the issue is about making (a lot of) money off somebody else’s hard work.

Asking for donations is completely fine as long as it’s optional. It is not okay to demand that people pay you for something that doesn’t belong to you. Yes, translation work is hard, and it is a service (many translators agree), but in the end, it is not the translator’s content. The hours they spend translating someone else’s words into another language are dwarfed in comparison to the hours of work the artist spends coming up with a plot, composing dialogue, lining, drawing and shading for a doujin; therefore, translators do not have the right to demand money from others for something that is not theirs. Translators may be approached for a commission and offered a one-time payment to compensate them for their time, but this situation is different since Seairu has been reselling the same set of translations to make a lot of money.

Below are pictures of Seairu’s ko-fi, Patreon, and posts about how she is offering to translate doujins and comics only if people become her patron or donate a ko-fi .

Note that it says “donate to [Seairu’s] patreon” but again, it CANNOT be called a donation because the doujins and comics are behind a paywall and money is demanded first. Most doujin artists charge 400-1200 YEN ($4-12) per doujin to primarily cover production costs IN ADDITION TO little comics they post for FREE on twitter and pixiv. Seairu has been charging people much more than the ORIGINAL CONTENT CREATORS and profiting off of that.

(In case people are unaware, Patreon works like a subscription sort of platform - you pledge a certain amount of money that corresponds to a tier, and you get content according to the tier you paid for. Effectively, you get multiple people paying for the same translation done by Seairu.)

4) “... but I’ve already taken down everything I could at the moment, and I sincerely apologize for my ignorance”

Ignorance seems unlikely since people have reached out to Seairu regarding this problem. They reached out to her in DMs to ask her politely to take them down, and she refused to acknowledge her wrongdoings, instead choosing to point fingers at other unrelated translators.

If this still doesn’t seem like a problem, below are screenshots of artists that Seairu’s profited off saying they’re not okay with their works being used for profit:

Hibarihiro: Original and Translated Conversation

Evidence of Seairu reselling the same translation multiple times through her ko-fi account.

Seairu has since deleted her translation posts for these artists’ works, but -

Shibaya:

Silverstar and Yutah:

Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a response from silverstar, but their bio says no reposts are allowed, and it’s even in English.

Yutah believed that people were just giving gifticons to Seairu as thanks for her translations; Yutah did not know that Seairu actually opened a Patreon to profit off of her works.

5) “... to support my translation work since [it’s] a hard job that takes up many hours of my day…”

Yes, translation does take a long time, so it really doesn’t make sense to implicate other translators who are doing this for fun or to get by. As stated in Seairu’s patreon, she hoped to make this a “full time job,” profiting off of the works of artists who are unhappy with her doing so.

Many of these artists are against reposting at all, and some allow it with permission but ONLY IF the reposters do not profit from them. Artists who don’t want people to repost their art, much less demand money for it, WILL NOT HESITATE to lock or delete their accounts, their art, and start mass blocking English speaking fans. It’s happened before. Some artists have already done this and will continue to do so. They will NOT hesitate to stop sharing their beautiful art and ideas with us because some people just can’t respect their wishes. There’s a reason why the western fandom has such a bad reputation amongst eastern artists and what Seairu is doing is just aggravating the situation. Not only that, but upon being faced with upset artists and facts, she decided to point fingers at unrelated translators, people who do such for a one time commission and later make it available for free, as well as translators who do it for free and have ko-fis as SUGGESTIONS only. Her “donations” are TRANSACTIONS for something that is not hers, and this is illegal.

Below is a link that talks deeper about translated commissions versus a paywall: http://dmmegsie.tumblr.com/post/171857295019/clarifying-commissionspaywalls-versus-donations

Overall commissioned translation for one person privately is fine. But when you create a paywall for multiple people to pay that's when damage is being done.

If possible, Seairu should refund the money or share profits with the artists. She has responded to messages on tumblr saying that she has apologized to the artists in question and it would be well received for her to post screenshots of these conversations.

None of the original posters used Seairu’s name, but many knew of these illegal actions. This is not a “witch hunt”, but note that no other translators were mentioned until Seairu herself brought them up with her own post (which is titled as an apology, but does not feel like one since she doesn’t post her apology to the artists). She continued to reblog posts mentioning the other translators while none of them have reblogged the post that contains Seairu’s name.

Please do not support these kinds of actions, whether that be illegally mass profiting off of other’s work or attempting to shift the blame onto others.

#katsudeku #seairu #translations

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working-on-becoming-a-better-me · 3 years

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Day 253—Mar. 23, 2021

Okay, so the numbers for my previous consecutive posts were off by a day (like a day ahead) and February 7′s math was way off, but I googled this! so from here on out, we will be accurate! let’s go bois!

BIG UPDATE BOIS! Essentially? I’VE GOTTEN BETTER! Mental health is better, habits are better, outlook on life is better, productivity... isn’t as high as it was when I first started the blog, but it’s doing MUCH better than November and even January.

coping with minecraft:

So, I’m still addicted to the dream smp minecraft fandom. my friend got me a dream hoodie, bucket hat, and a georgenotfound hoodie for my birthday. but! I’m coping better. I’m behind on streams, and am now catching up during Spring Break. For a while, I was pushing back school work to watch and catch up on streams. I promised myself that during free periods I would work since I was catching up on streams at home, and then... yeah. ANYWAY! I’ve gotten a lot better at that recently by noticing that even fanart accounts (accounts dedicated to mcyt-ers) were talking about how they didn’t watch a phasmaphobia stream because they weren’t interested in it, or talking about how they were behind on streams... it really helped me accept the fact that I can be a real fan and not watch every single stream.

cultural convention:

My international school does events with other international schools but because of covid, we can’t travel. I act and made varsity drama (we call it a different name, but yeah!) and we had virtual conferences. I was incredibly friendly and loud and there were tons of zoom calls. Our schools kinda known for being... uh, stuck up? and kinda elitist. Not like I was being fake, but I was making an effort to talk during calls and be active on group chats made. I joke-flirt a lot and focused my attention on one person. A whole thing ensued, but some of the other actors in my school (there were only 11 of us) were joking abut sending me to “horny jail” and one girl kept apologizing for me. During “lounge sessions” I would interject with what I thought were funny comments and she’d say “again, I’d like to apologize for her behavior” and... uh... I cried at school. Cuz I’ve heard way too many times from too many different people about how I’m embarrassing... BUT.

What really helped was the fact that there were late night zoom calls and I was one of only three kids from my school the first night on a call with around 25 people. Other people said I helped give them a really good first impression of our school, especially considering all the things they’d heard previously. The guy I joke-flirted with (I previously dmed him asking if he was okay with it and he said he was) said on a call that I was one of the funniest people he’d met in a while. It was a huge confidence booster in knowing that the efforts I was making were paying off :)

confidence:

Since starting this blog, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. I’ve been practicing more positive self speak and have recently realized the difference between the way I speak about and to myself and how some other people do. Being nicer to myself out loud has helped a lot in feeling better and more comfortable.

I wanted to try wearing black masks, but my mom bought the wrong kind. They had patterns and I was really nervous because I didn’t really want to stand out. I used to not care, but... I dunno. Teenagehood and whatnot. We wear uniforms too, so the only differences are in accessories, hair, etc. I’m not sure why, but I was really nervous to wear the new mask patterns to school. But I told myself it was an experiment, to force me to be more confident. I actually forgot I was wearing it until I saw myself. And since I’d posted on my private story saying I was doing this to try and be more comfortable, some of my friends came up to me and told me it was actually cute. Shows that I really had nothing to stress for. Not that it was really self-expression, but for me, and anyone else who needs to hear this, no one cares. Maybe they even wish they had the courage to wear different things as well.

mcyt mantra:

I have a mantra now! adapted from something drunk Wilbur Soot said during Quackity’s livestream, I think. I repeat it when I’m happy and when I’m nervous or scared and I guess... I dunno, I’m like classically conditioning myself? Except not really since I’m doing it out of order. But yeah! get yourself a mantra!!!

character day:

more with confidence! spirit week is just an excuse for kids to not wear their uniforms, but I put a lot of effort into an Ace Ventura outfit I put together. I only saw around two or three other people actually dressed up as characters, but I had so much fun and thought I looked amazing. I was proud that I wasn’t a normie ;]

Also... it’s so humid in this country and the rubber bottoms of my boots actually stuck to the pavement and fell off. I spent the day without the bottoms of my shoes and it was so funny. Even my mom laughed after (she laughed for so long, it was adorable) and she said only I could pull it off and that the friend I walk to school with everyday is lucky to have me as a friend. My mom was telling me about how she never had a friend like me growing up, just so weird and goofy. And it made me happy to think that I can bring so much... zaniness to people’s lives

ao3:

been writing a lot more recently! haven’t been posting on my writing blog since it’s all fanfiction, but it’s helping me write! I update one of my stories every two weeks. When I feel like I’m not doing enough, it’s a nice reminder that I actually can be consistent. I may be getting better... who knows :)

nehs:

been editing lots of papers even though I don’t need to anymore since I made vp of my school’s nehs chapter. but it’s helping me learn too! I’m very instinctual when writing, but obviously when I’m editing I can’t just ask them to change something because “it doesn’t sound right”. So I google explanations and then tell the people who’s papers I’m editing. It helps both them and me!

ipad/drawing:

got a new ipad for my birthday. been messing around with procreate. been doodling in class (only dream team characters so far lol). might be getting better... hopefully I am!

also have a sticky notes app on my ipad and been creating to-do lists! yay!

teaching:

been teaching students in cambodia! last year I had a teaching partner who guided lessons mostly. this year I’m the leading teacher. It’s helping with my fear of leadership and responsibility.

social:

still not the most social, but more active on snapchat now with keeping in contact with some of the cultural convention kids. covids made it harder to keep in contact, and I’ve been trying to reach out more to my closest friend who I’ve not hung out with in a while. not that we don’t see each other at lunch every other day, but I walk to school with, share a class and after school study hall with another friend. so comparably, I’ve spent less time with my closest friend.

recently had a spa day with my small neighborhood gang! my friend painted my other guy friend’s nails! yes! we used face masks as well :)

general update:

- went to the pool the other day and now I’m hecka burnt

- yesterday I wrote letters for honor society points, caught up on math hw, wrote a reflection and plan for a class, reviewed chinese with my mom, met up with my “mentor” for a class

- have been helping a lot of people! am currently a part of two people’s pieces for their theater class and I have a rehearsal later today!

- was doing a lot of work as an officer of thespian honor society—I’m likely going to be on the officer team again next year and, until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t felt like I’d been doing much and was feeling unworthy. but then I was proactive about something and updated our sponser (school’s drama director) on what we as officers decided. felt... prettyyy goooodddd :)

- !!! yesterday I went on a walk and brought money and my student ID, ready to buy bubble tea, but then... I mustered up what little willpower I had and then didn’t buy it. Instead, I bought surprise lilies for my mom (and some groceries she asked me to get) - been trying to cut out unnecessary sugars and foods. if I’m not hungry, I shouldn’t eat, but also... I listen to my body and if I’m feeling really snacky, I’ll indulge - recently been craving ice cream, but not the flavors in my fridge so instead I’m just not eating ice cream at all and ate an apple once as a substitute :D

- not sure if I’ve been sleeping more, but it kinda feels like I have been?

- started taking pictures of the world when I think it’s pretty one sunny afternoon when I was laughing lots with a friend... especially right after cul con, I was taking a lot more pictures...

- just been more active (not physically... though occasionally, when bored, I’ll stretch some... but I should try and get more active (I mean... the walk yesterday?))... creatively speaking (ao3, with art), socially online (cul con kids), in person (making plans over spring break!)...

- I just feel like I’ve been putting more effort into life

of course, there are the down bits, like for one project based class where the end product is due in May-ish and it focuses on the “process”... I’m just... not... process-ing. I chose a writing project (why). I’m focusing a lot on my side projects, but not my class writing one :/ as well as that, when assignments pick up, I do too, but when I get down time I feel like I deserve it (which I do!) but I don’t work ahead. I’ve been really busy though. Teaching got cancelled because the school in Cambodia shut down unfortunately due to covid. But before spring break, I was teaching, editing papers, writing my own for lang, doing cul con and then catching up on work I missed because of cul con, studying for tests, attending rehearsals... there’s a lot going on and I need to recognize that I am doing so well, especially compared with a few months prior when I was in a much darker place.

mostly stress has been my plague, but yeah! also in the span of one week, two classes bumped up a grade (or half a grade... we have letters and + system (no -)) so my previously low gpa became slightly less low! It gave me confidence that I can end the semester strong!

procrastination: another plague. I keep delaying setting up college counseling meetings and have delayed this update for a while now... and the project-class...

also have babysitting jobs again so we gon get some monnaayyyyy! (job is not from people we met at the pool, but we did meet people at the pool and their kids liked me so much they asked me mom to get me to babysit them... another boost to confidence! yay :) I’m a likeable person :] )

thanks for sticking around! I’m glad I’m getting this update in because I’m doing... really well :D hope you guys are also doing well or that it gets better!

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btsorpheus · 4 years

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THE HI-TOUCH

I like to joke that on February 14, 2020, I met the love of my life.

I didn’t, of course. But for a second, I fumbled my way through a half-high-five-half-handhold with the K-pop boy group Monsta X and absolutely did not cry, no matter what Rolling Stone attempted to imply. (Yes, that’s me in the foreground of the final photograph.)

The hi-touch is an extremely weird event, to say the least.

Anxious because this was the first time I’d ever attended a fan event, I’d managed to show up four hours early. About three of these hours were spent nervously reading Orfeo by Richard Powers at the Coffee Bean down the street, occasionally looking over trying to figure out when people queue up.

The final hour was actually spent in the line. I tried to make small-talk with the fan in front of me, but soon gave that up when she grimaced in disapproval after finding out I’d been a fan for “only a month” then literally took me by the shoulders and shook me while insisting, “MAKE SURE YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM! MAKE EYE CONTACT OR YOU’LL REGRET IT!”

It was while I was worriedly scrolling through my phone that Monsta X rolled in in sports cars.

Just as I began to recover from the absolutely mind-boggling spectacles I’d already been forced to face, I was ushered into the venue--which housed six enormous cut-outs of the members’ faces. Which, frankly, was terrifying.

(Photo: Michelle Kim. Two of the “six enormous cut-outs,” featuring Hyungwon and Joohoney, set-up at Tower Records for Monsta X’s meet-and-greet on Feb. 14, 2020.)

I’d probably been waiting in there for around 15 minutes when the employees desperately trying to hype up the room (mostly full of nervous young girls) introduced Monsta X, who suddenly burst through the curtains on the opposite side of the room and rushed up to the table before hurriedly taking their seats (Kihyun, their main vocalist, barely had time to shrug off his jacket) and sticking out their hands.

After that, it’s just a blur.

Writing this approximately a month after the event, all I can remember is the first member possibly smirking at me, the second holding my hand more firmly than I’d expected, the third smiling broadly, and the last two seeming tired.

And then I stumbled out of the venue and called an Uber and was back home, largely unchanged.

(Photo: Michelle Kim. Paul McCarthy, Dead H Drawings, 1968-69; graphite and ink on paper. Paul McCarthy, Dead H Crooked Leg, 1979 and Dead H Crooked Leg Maze, 1979; graphite and ink on paper. On display at the Hammer Museum in Los Angeles, CA. Photo taken Feb. 22, 2020.)

The Gaze

When recalling the original myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, the first thing that usually comes to my mind is Orpheus turning around to look at Eurydice and to lose her. It’s the climax of the story. And though that Orphic gaze is translated differently in different iterations of the myth, it always seems to be a focal point.

Gazing at something implies a strange binary--it reveals that there is that which you can see and that which you cannot. Paul McCarthy captures this in his Dead H Drawings, a series of sketches of said letter with the space in the center horizontal line highlighted. If you were to look through the legs, you would never be able to see the inside of that portion; you could only see out the other end of the leg like a tunnel. Hence, it’s a dead space.

Even when just looking at a specific object, it becomes clear that you can only focus on one thing at a time. Everything in your peripheral is less easily accessed--forget whatever’s happening behind you.

In Orpheus’s case, the gaze is about confirming Eurydice’s presence yet also losing her. It’s both a moment of relief and of grief, of catharsis and of catastrophe. The nature of his tragedy is that he can’t have the first without the second; if he did, he will have succeeded.

For Scottie, the protagonist of Hitchcock’s Vertigo, it’s exactly this sense of conflicted intangibility that attracts him to Judy/Madeleine, the Eurydice-figure. Even when he believes she’s just Madeleine, there’s an element of fantastical unreachability to her--the fact that she is supposedly possessed by Carlotta. And then when Judy falls back into the Madeleine role, Scottie continues to push her to the edge until she dies a true and final death.

Perhaps this is what makes celebrities such easy objects of affection and what motivates paparazzi. Celebrity sightings, celebrity photos, and two-minute interviews--they’re all small glimpses of a desirable person that we wouldn’t otherwise be able to access.

(Screenshots of replies from Twitter on a tweet regarding how the original poster believes BTS loves ARMY more than ARMY could ever love them, taken on March 11, 2020. Twitter handles and personal information have been blurred for the users’ privacy.)

A persistent phenomenon in BTS’s fanbase is ARMY seeming to think that BTS’s members genuinely love all of their fans.

K-pop is particularly adept when it comes to commodifying celebrities. It’s why they’re referred to as “idols” and not just as normal performers. Their jobs are to record songs and dance at concerts, but they’re also expected to vlog, feature on variety and reality shows, film practice videos, take and post selfies, consistently interact with fans on Fancafe (a blog platform for K-pop idols), be gracious and friendly in public--and on top of all this pressure, maintain their appearances and memorize choreography and lyrics.

Because there’s hundreds of hours of content featuring them available, it’s easy for fans to believe that they truly, personally understand their favorite idols. But idols are first and foremost entertainers. Everything they do is in the interest of gaining more fans, who turn into consumers and therefore income. When taking into account their motivation, does that still make idols genuine?

In Sarah Ruhl’s play Eurydice, Eurydice loses her memory upon death. She must relearn who she was when she was alive through her father, also dead, as he reteaches her how to read, her favorite past-time when alive.

By the time Orpheus arrives to guide her out of the Underworld, it’s unclear if Eurydice has regained her previous sense of self. And if she has, it’s been filtered through her father.

Similarly, the return of “Madeleine” in Hitchcock’s Vertigo is a hazy recollection of the original woman.

(Vertigo (1958) dir. Alfred Hitchcock.)

Though Judy is dressed as Madeleine, talks like Madeleine, and walks like Madeleine, she’s only playing the Madeleine that Scottie wants to see. She’s putting on an artificial performance of what he expects in an effort to appease him. The Madeleine that he wants is a cool, refined, and feminine lady. Though not playing hard-to-get, she’s always out of reach as a woman both disconnected from reality and married, therefore unavailable.

Judy can’t always be that. In the car, when Scottie drives her to the bell tower where the true Madeline died, Judy slips through her Madeleine veneer as she acts just a shade too coy.

Eurydice can’t always be what Orpheus expects her to be. The Backwards Look that ultimately causes him to lose her is an act of attempted confirmation, to be sure that he has her: the “loan” that Hades had promised him.

This Backwards Look manifests in many ways among BTS fans.

First, there are the sasaengs and fansites. They’re in some ways comparable to paparazzi--fansites especially, who consider it their (unpaid and unasked for) jobs to photograph idols at their every public appearance, even if they’re just going to catch a flight, then to share their professional-grade photographs online. Sasaengs take this a step further; they’re essentially stalkers who will buy an idol’s personal information to, for example, share a flight and book a neighboring hotel room to be as physically close to them as possible.

Though less extreme, there are also fan artists and fanfiction writers. Both attempt to capture the BTS members’ personalities and internal lives and manifest them in portraits, comics, and elaborate stories (often novel-length or longer). Artists and writers have to assume something about BTS when creating such content. There’s no way anyone could fully understand what’s happening in another person’s head. And when BTS is constantly presenting stage personas while acting like reality shows, filmed by dozens of cameras and producers, represent who they truly are, it’s difficult to say who the artists and writers are trying to capture.

Even a fan’s desire to stream music and videos and look at photos of BTS is a form of the Backwards Look. They’re constantly revisiting a moment and trying to recapture that first instance of experiencing it. This is the Eurydice moment--the experience of falling in love with a piece of art in a brief glance, and losing that feeling as soon as the moment is over.

These experiences are by no means limited to just BTS. Many fandoms, especially other K-pop groups’ fandoms, all experience this overwhelming amount of content consumption. But because BTS is the current Orpheus--dominating their music genre--they have the most fans, the most fanart and fanfiction, and the most streams. They are constantly under the pressure of the Backwards Gaze.

And they are constantly beyond it at the same time. In Ovid’s telling, Eurydice disappears as soon as Orpheus looks back (“she was gone, in a moment”). In Ruhl’s, the lovers “turn away from each other, matter-of-fact, compelled” as soon Orpheus sees Eurydice. When Scottie finally sees the Madeleine he wants, she dies in the next scene.

Eurydice is always beyond reach. And for every minute of content BTS releases, there’s still hours where they’re beyond the camera’s gaze. Are they the same in front of it as they are apart from it? Would they still profess how much they love ARMY if no one was there to record them? Would RM be as well-spoken? Would Jin’s laugh be the same?

It’s only been a month or so, but it’s difficult for me to recall what exactly happened when I gave Shownu, the leader of Monsta X, a horrifically awkward half-high-five-half-handshake. I tried to record what happened right after the event, but I was so shocked that all I could write for him was “funny little smile,” which doesn’t help much when I’m trying to piece together the memory.

Even in the moment, it was difficult to parse exactly what that “funny little smile” meant. There’s only so much time to think when you’re given just a split-second glance. Had Shownu been teasing, playing the flirt that loves all his fans as idols are expected to? Had he been genuinely excited to be there? Had he been embarrassed? (I know I was.) Maybe the smile hadn’t been funny, or little, or even a smile at all--maybe I’d read the moment all wrong.

Funnily enough, Shownu features on a song called, “Don’t Look Back.”

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