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beanghostprincess · 8 months

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reiju being the only vinsmoke child that has feelings and can empathize is pretty much obviously referencing the whole "unlike boys, girls are emotional" thing that has always been said to disregard women's positions of power and strengths, assuming that empathy is not a strength itself.

from men's pov, girls are: emotional, weak, sensitive, empathetic... they're the ones doing the "simple" house tasks like cooking, cleaning, taking care of things instead of destroying them.

that sounds, kind of, exactly to what sanji is. sanji's "failures, weaknesses, malfunctions..." are literally what is expected to see in women.

they tell him to man up. to be stronger. to stop crying because boys don't cry. how could he cry?! how could he dream?! how could he cook and be nice to others and feel? how could he be a good person when he's a man and men are expected to be bigger than anyone else. he should take up space, not give it to the ones who need it. he should scream at the top of his lungs, deeply and loudly, not gently. he should take and take and take and he should not give because men are meant to own, not to offer. he shouldn't be clever, he should act. he shouldn't be sad or in pain because men are supposed to take it and swallow and bear with it. he shouldn't be hungry. hunger is for the people who lack food and if you lack food you're weak and if you're weak you're not a man. and lack means wanting, but why's he craving something when he should just take it and take it and take it? so he shouldn't eat because eating is meant to be for pleasure only, if you're a man, and if you need it you're weak because he shouldn't need. he should want and take and never need.

he cries when they kick him and he begs when they take someone away from him. because he's weak. because he loses and loses and loses and never wins only because he isn't man enough to cheat. he goes through life asking first, acting second. he doesn't play dirty, like a man should, but lives in a clean state of pureness and delicacy. he has to be clean to cook, of course. clean to be good. but men don't cook and they are allowed to be as bad as they want. but he isn't, is he? because he feels. and feels and feels until it's too much. so much that it explodes and it breaks and his soul shatters. soul that he shouldn't have in the first place because men are a fortress with enough strength to ignore what's inside. and he is weak. he is small. he is hungry.

god, he's so hungry. but not for power or money or women- well, he is hungry for women. for their soothing voices and soft touches and angry glances that are always a bit too much for his poor heart to handle. he never asks much, just a bit of them. crumbs to feed his starving heart. he finds comfort in women the same way a man destined to death would consume his last meal. he's on the verge of falling but he can't, because men do not fall, they are the ones to push. so he's hungry, but he doesn't eat because if he did, that would mean he needs it and then he wouldn't be a man.

men should fight and not defend, but he's always protecting and never fighting. he fights to protect, never himself, always others. he fights to defend his weak self, but it can't be called fighting when the only thing he does is taking. and he learns to take it without a single word or prayer escaping his lips because a man should not do that.

he's different. a failure. a mistake. a good for nothing. not a man. not powerful like a vinsmoke should be. not godly and royal like his family is. machines built to kill and destroy and take and take instead of living. but sanji likes living. he likes breathing and eating and smiling and feeling and giving and giving and giving until he doesn't have anything to offer. he likes being alive and feeling.

so he has to be human, if not only a malfunction in their mom's womb.

human, but not quite, because being human means being like the rest. the definition for human is "not a vinsmoke", in his perception, so he has to be. he is. he is human. he wishes to be, at least, part of the mankind.

man. man. a man. that's what he should be. that's what he is. vinsmoke men are not just men. they're men. and being only a man should be different, but it isn't. it will never be.

he is human, but not really. he's not a vinsmoke, that's for sure. but he's not human, either, he's still different.

because when he gets out of there, the fire of the stove still burns his hands. and he can cook. yes. he realizes he can cook and he can enjoy and live and give and give and it's liberating to know he can and will live. but he can't dream because dreaming of impossible things —like blue, deep, magic seas— isn't meant for rational men. he's following the recipe wrong, all over again, and he doesn't know what the hell is going on if all the ingredients are right.

then he is hungry again. hungry for life. and food, too. and he has never felt weaker and less of a vinsmoke, but more of a human. he bleeds and cries and begs and starves like any human would and yet... he isn't a man. he isn't a real person. and maybe it's still in his blood, despite having ran away, the malfunction in his veins. there is something deeply wrong with him. down to his core.

and he can't figure out what, but he can starve. so that means he's human. but he's not a man. because men don't starve. they take what life gives them and don't need to eat if they can't. zeff is strong and wide and the manliest man he has ever met. and yet he's hungry, but he doesn't eat. he doesn't eat because he gives. he gives food to a kid who doesn't even deserve to eat. he gives food to a kid, not a man, because if he was a man he wouldn't need to eat.

so he just needs to grow up and become a man, he thinks. that's it. time. time. that's what he lacks and what he should take. years.

but he doesn't become a man.

he grows fond of women as years pass by. they're gorgeous. pieces of art. delicate, emotional, calculative, strategic, pretty, soothing, and perfect in every way. they're everything a vinsmoke shouldn't be. they're everything sanji is- wants to be. he isn't like them. he is a man.

he likes watching them and giving them the pleasures he's refused of, because at least he gets to taste the other end of the stick when dreaming about impossible things turns out to be something too emotional for him to handle as the man he has become.

skirts. dresses. high heels. make up.

it must be hard to fight in those. that's why men don't wear them. because men are meant to fight. girls are meant to just exist. they give peace and love to a world full of destruction just by breathing, they don't need to do anything in order to give.

nami's ruthless. like a storm. and pretty, obviously, like a faint, calm rain. gorgeous and bright, like the sun. and she's feminine in such a strong way that it makes sanji shiver and get on his knees quicker than any woman has ever done. because she's different, too. she's a girl but she's not a girl. and she's not a man but she's more of a man than sanji could ever be in a million years, he realizes, because she's not afraid. and men shouldn't be afraid.

sanji always is. he just doesn't show. showing emotions is a cry for help and boys don't- men don't cry.

she's a girl without being like any other girls. so that means sanji can be a man without being exactly like the rest.

and yet, he's still not a man.

because dresses aren't meant or men, and still he can easily run wearing high heels without any problem. and they feel good, too, not because they fit in but because they fit him. they match the dress and the lip gloss. the world used to be black and white but now it's fucking pink and it makes him feel good and brave and strong and he's not afraid.

then the world shatters again. pops like those bubbles again. and again. like the day he lost himself to the pleasurable feeling of comfort he's been fighting his whole life. because he's a man and comfort means not being able to handle pain. and he fought pain that day until he gave in to his desires. but desiring something is only a thing men can afford, and he didn't actually desire it. he needed it. needs it to breathe and to laugh and to live. needs it because he can't handle pain and if he can't handle pain he's not a man.

so he goes back to hiding and wanting and giving and giving but without needing. and he doesn't take, because he's not a vinsmoke, but he is a man, because he only eats the crumbs women throw at him.

it's raining when he hears it, and he can't help thinking about nami. ruthless, strong, gorgeous and feminine nami.

pudding wouldn't. nami wouldn't.

he wouldn't marry himself either, if asked.

and there's gotta be something wrong with him. something that doesn't work. because he's not a vinsmoke but he's not a man and he's not human and he's not even a failure. he isn't a failure because his mom said so. and if someone as honest and good and kind and feminine as her said that, it has to be true.

and yet he's not a man. he looks at himself from far away. he's always seen himself like that. like a soul flying around an empty body. a shell.

and then it breaks.

it's still raining.

luffy is beautiful. and he is a man. but just like nami isn't a girl, luffy isn't a man.

because he dreams, bigger than anybody else. he shines, brighter than the sun. he feels, louder than any woman. he fights, with his whole heart and fists and punches way harder than any vinsmoke. and he's hungry. luffy's hungry due to a promise. a promise lead by loyalty and love and passion and everything sanji wishes he could let himself feel.

the thing is, luffy can feel all of those and still be a man.

if sanji feels, he won't be a man. nor a vinsmoke.

niji called him girl once. because he cried. and the punches hurt, but for some reason the thought of being allowed to feel if he were to be a woman made the wound heal faster.

luffy sees him cry.

and dream and wish and ask and beg and break.

and he's trying to give, but luffy is asking him to take and be selfish. he wonders if taking something for himself will turn him into a man, finally.

but he cries again.

"i want to go back to sunny."

and he's not a vinsmoke. nor a man.

he isn't sure exactly what he is.

and then luffy says: "that's just how you are!" about him being too kind for his own good and too empathetic for him to be considered a man.

luffy smiles when he says it, as if it was the most brilliant quality of the cook.

he's not a vinsmoke. he's not a man.

sanji lets himself dream about what he could be. lets himself feel what he truly is.

he has never liked feeling weak because that's just what women are supposed to be. delicate and soft and meant to be rescued by the prince he should be.

luffy looks at him like he's the most beautiful thing to ever be under the rain. dirty and messy and crying and shattered. but still beautiful. and clean. and pure. and soothing. and everything a woman is and everything he wants to be and everything he could be.

and it's a very complex recipe and perhaps he still lacks some ingredients and maybe he could use less of others and let it cook for a bit longer.

but it tastes good. to dream. to feel. to exist. not like a mistake but as a human.

as herself.

#what is thissss #it's 4 am and i'm still awake writing this bc i had a sanji kinnie breakdown #this was supposed to be a 'reiju has feelings bc she's a girl and so that's like a metaphor for transfem sanji'#but as you can see i got a bit carried away #i'm not reading all of this again if you find any typos just ignore them #i love transfem sanji wholeheartedly #she's so important to me #genderfluid any pronouns sanji my beloved #one piece #sanji #black leg sanji #monkey d luffy #lusan #lusan?? kind of??? the last things are very lusan and i did it thinking about them romantically #whole cake island

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