just to make sure we are all on the same page in this corner of the internet, i want to be explicitly clear about my stance/feelings on some things:

if i come across "content"/fic in this niche that i absolutely do not like, do not vibe with, am not interested in, that icks me out completely and totally—i scroll past it as quickly as i can and i move on with my day.

in the case that it's "content"/fic that really bothers or triggers me in any way, i make sure that i have blacklisted/blocked certain tags and keywords so that in the future i may not come across those things again.

i also understand that there is a variety of tags used throughout the internet and that websites are not perfect/things slip through the cracks. people are also human, and mistakes are also made.

in the event i am exposed to something that i do not want to see, point blank, i would never and will never believe it is my right to harass and terrorize the person writing said thing/s, and if i witness this kind of behavior being celebrated among the people around me, whoever you are, i will be removing you from my space.

to be perfectly and abundantly clear: i will always be a supporter of dark content, and its right to be written. even if i don't understand it, even if it "disgusts" me, even if i never want to read it.

please understand that i do not say this with hostility, nor do i mean it as a threat or to be confrontational. you should protect the space that you are in; this is me doing that, this is me making sure that you do that, even if it's against me.

Today, an associate of mine from the Prairielands Freedom Fund informed me that a defendant they've been working with was, yesterday, unjustly sentenced to 5 years in prison. He should have received a deferred judgement. Brandon Jones is a black man and he has 3 children.

I don't normally make posts like this, but I want to share this here in the hopes that it will have further reach. Brandon Jones is a member of my community and he does not deserve to be ripped away from his family like this.

Here is a statement from my friends at Prairielands Freedom Fund:

Pictured above from left to right are Brandon Jones, his three children, and his partner, Lily Lindle, at Wilson's Orchard in Iowa City.

On March 25, 2024, "District Court judge sentenced PFF participant Brandon Jones, a Black father, to a five-year prison sentence. We posted bond for Brandon in January after he had pleaded guilty but couldn’t pay his bond. He spent two months in Johnson County Jail, a particularly cruel separation where he was apart from his newborn baby over the holidays.

Brandon’s case is emblematic of the cruel, racist punishments inflicted upon Black folks in our carceral system. Separating Brandon from his family inflicts a layer of violence upon their lives — and it does not do anything for public safety.

We’re committed to rallying behind Jones’ family and his partner Lily, and the best way we can support them right now is with financial support. Lily is now a sole provider — it’s crucial that she gets the economic support she needs.

In September 2023, Brandon’s 8-year old son was suspended and told to walk home, alone and in the cold, from an Iowa City School District elementary school. Brandon went to the school to speak with the principal about the situation. Accidentally bringing his legal firearm with him into the school, Brandon was arrested, charged, and held on a $30,000 cash-only bond.

School staff claim they were threatened by Brandon’s presence in the school, and prosecutors jumped at the chance to make an example out of Brandon. Prosecutors claim this case is about public safety — and yet, their target is a Black father who showed up to his son’s school to advocate for his family. This situation starts and ends with racism. We know our district suspends and expels Black children at higher rates. And the reaction from school staff cannot be extricated from Brandon’s existence as a Black man, advocating for his son, a Black student who was suspended.

Brandon took full accountability for his mistake, as evidenced by his guilty plea. His legal team asked the judge to simply give him probation, allowing him to continue caring for his young family. But today, Brandon was sentenced to five years behind bars.

Brandon’s situation so perfectly epitomizes why abolition matters. Abolitionist principles urge us to think expansively about what safety means. By separating Brandon from his family, they are all less safe — especially when considering economic and emotional safety.

[This] outcome was not what we wanted, but we remain committed to supporting this family, and creating a better system than the one they were victimized by today."

Lily Lindle has started a GoFundMe so that she can receive some assistance with raising and caring for the Jones kids: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-the-jones-family-in-iowa-city

Ryne and Gaia are like. Such good parallels and foils to each other it makes me just a little insane.

Like Ryne is sweet and caring and she always wants to help others and make them feel better even to the detriment of herself because she has seen and known suffering and doesn't want others to have to live like that too. If she can make someones life better, even if just a little bit, then she will. But she also puts everyone elses well-being and feelings so far above her own that she often ends up trying to help in a way that doesn't actually solve anything because it still ends up with someone hurt (such as trying to properly fuse with Minfilia knowing it might end up with herself disappearing). She's not a doormat, but she does have some people-pleasing tendencies.

Gaia, however, is the exact opposite. She's prickly and sarcastic and thinks of herself and her needs first and foremost, everyone else is secondary. It's not that she's cold or uncaring, she doesn't ignore people's problems, she just doesn't see them as her business most of the time (A product of being raised in Eulemore most likely). She doesn't consider the long-term outcome of what she does or says, she lives solely in the present and the future is a problem for when it happens.

These opposite traits also play into each other. Ryne inspires Gaia to care more about others and Gaia inspires Ryne to prioritize herself more. Gaia makes Ryne live more on the moment without thinking solely of what the future will bring, and Ryne makes Gaia think more on what her life will be going forward and to actually consider what she does and says and how that affects things. They feed into each others good traits (Ryne's caring nature and Gaia's sense of self) while also helping them deal with the bad traits (Ryne's people-pleasing and Gaia's aloofness).

Their pasts are good paralells too. Ryne was isolated and lonely until Thancred took her away but even then, he was distant and emotionally neglectful, so she ended up lonely in an entirely different way. Gaia had a family and caretakers that she wasn't particularly close to, but after the 'Fairy' started talking to her they got even further away until she couldn't even remember them, and the 'Fairy' was the closest thing she had to a friend even though it was what isolated her to begin with. Ryne had constant companionship but no support, and Gaia had 'support' but no companionship.

Even just. Regarding the whole identities thing they are just. Perfect. Ryne has lived with Minfilia's shadow on her shoulder her entire life and never got to learn who she actually is. She thought that she had to become Minfilia for her life to be worth anything, that it's the only way her existance is justified. The person closest to both her and Minfilia(Thancred) indicated(in her mind at least) that he wanted Minfilia to be here in Ryne's stead(which wasn't really the case but she didn't know that). The only way to get her out of that shadow was to remove her from the identity of Minfilia, hence why her new name is so important(as well as the hair and eyes being her natural colors instead of Minfilia's all too recognizable ones).

But Gaia didn't even know about Mitron or Loghrif until Eden. She had the 'Fairy', but to her it was just some voice in her head which was nice enough to her. To her, Loghrif is just some lady Mitron loved, she has no real connection to her. She has a connection to Mitron, both as the 'Fairy' and as remnant feelings from Loghrif, but none to Loghrif herself(aside from the obvious reincarnation stuff). Gaia has always been her name. It may have been Loghrif's originally, but she is so far removed from that identity that even for all of Mitron's effort to 'return' her to Loghrif, it'd never work. Loghrif is Gaia, but Gaia is not Loghrif. Simple as that.

Eden's story works so well because Ryne and Gaia are opposites in that specific way that compliments each other, rather than pits them against each other.

Thinking once again about the intersection of being aro / perpetually single and the Housing Issue. It is without a doubt the biggest issue I face as an aro person, particularly in fucking Canada.

In my province we have rent control on almost all rental units by default. Annual rent increases are capped at 2.5%, and though I have had landlords in the past try to break that law, they back down when you say "that's literally not legal lmao try again".

In my province we also have a type of lease called a group lease, where multiple people sign on as a group. This is the standard type of lease used in properties with more than one bedroom.

If one person wishes to remove themself from a group lease, that terminates the lease for all of the other tenants in the group. Therefore, in order to continue living in the unit they are already in and may have been in for years, the landlord can choose to force the remaining tenants to reapply, and upon signing a "new lease" they can increase the rent by however much they want. Forget 2.5%, they could double rent with no consequences and still get tenants because that's how desperate people are in Canada.

Seeing as that's fucking insane, I talked to multiple lawyers about it the last time this happened to me, and they all said yeah no, if someone wants to be removed from the lease then the landlord can choose to deny a takeover and force a new lease. You can prevent the issues that come with a new lease if everyone remains on the old lease even if they no longer live there, but that is rather precarious for everyone involved and also makes your landlord hate your guts.

Anytime a new lease is signed, landlords can increase by whatever they want, so renovictions are very common (I've been renovicted as well). With all these easy-to-access loopholes, "rent control" is a joke.

It is New Year's Day and I have received yet another email informing me that since one of my roommates decided to leave at the end of the lease period, our lease will be terminating and showings will begin next week. If any one of us wants to stay, we have to reapply at market rates with a replacement person already in the group ready to sign a new lease, or we have to all remain on the old lease.

I left my parents' home in 2016, and since then I have moved 15-17 times, depending what you count as a move, and lived in 12-13 different places. That's due to a bunch of forced circumstances, including co-op placements and illegal evictions, but many of those moves were because the roommates I was living with decided to move on with their lives, and I had no choice but to move as well.

When I tell people I've moved 15 times in 7 years, they are always shocked. I'm like, how have you NOT though? Having had this conversation many times, I start to ponder what makes me vulnerable to this type of exploitation, and what makes my friends able to avoid some of it.

#1. As a low-income disabled person, I am unable to afford "market rates". This means I'm always tryna get units that are below market rate, and those landlords are invariably very interested in removing their tenants to bring their busted-ass units up to market rate.

#2. I am SINGLE bro. No one is planning their life around living with me. Every time a roommate leaves, I get forced out too. I did have a long-term roommate for a couple years who bounced around 4 places with me, but eventually she moved city - as is her right - and I was forced out again.

Couples also have more options when it comes to affordable housing, particularly if they are willing to share a room. Sharing a room cuts your rent in half. It’s pretty rare to see just one person living in a 1bed because it’s just ludicrously expensive, but for couples it’s a decent option. During the searching stage as well, if you already have someone to live with it’s a lot easier to find places than if you also have to find new roommates (this part is especially brutal for me as a trans person). It is certainly still difficult for couples in the market, I know couples who have ended up homeless as well, but being alone makes you more vulnerable.

The housing crisis is a broad issue affecting literally everyone, but single people are one of the groups that is systematically disadvantaged, making it a significant issue for aros imo. It is the combination of being single and low-income that has made me so vulnerable to housing instability.

Edited with minor corrections

Mysterious Lotus Casebook, Ep. 1, 2, 30, & 40 // Autobiography of Red, Anne Carson

Alright, the jack in the box is wound, and the coherence is coming to me. Halsin and the dryad, I was talking about his response if the PC indicates that he is most comfortable after a supper large enough to induce hibernation:

"Mindless gorging...? No, that is not right. I did not realize you thought that of me."

And why this keeps catching in my mind is not necessarily what he says, but how he says it (so I am commending Dave Jones' voice acting here). The rest of Halsin's responses to incorrect answers are generally even toned and corrective; firm, usually, but not inherently overly emotional. Much like a teacher correcting a student. But this one...he sounds genuinely surprised and taken aback that the PC would even suggest that. The "no, that is not right" is even firmer on its heels. And the last part...the last part, his voice is smaller. Less forward. I would not go so far as to suggest hurt, but it is approaching that territory. It comes so fast after his firm no, that it almost sounds like something that slipped by accident. Like something that was meant to be muttered under the breath, but it slipped from him because the surprise was so organic.

Alone, it doesn't mean too much. It's a slight offense to an obviously nonfactual statement. And that's likely all it is. I'm about to read too deep into this, I am aware.

But combined with the other things spread throughout Halsin's dialogue, particularly the implication that he is otherwise used to people making commentary on his physical appearance or the physicality of his being, it suggests an extra layer of hurt. An extra layer of: "I did not expect this from you, of all people." Not quite a betrayal, but approaching one.

What makes it particularly catching, is that one of the things you are able to wrench (and I say wrench because getting Halsin to share mundane personal details about himself is a production - and it makes *sense* it's a production if a. We keep in mind that Halsin himself doesn't seem all too sure who he is beyond his preoccupation - which elves are prone to but Halsin also just has...a lot on his plate that have evidently stunted his identity formation - to the point where he even claims he was forgetting who he was, and b. If he is used to questions concerning himself and his experience leading into questions regarding his sex life or his physical activities, see: the companion banter with Wyll and Karlach, he likely...doesn't really keep ready details about himself personally on tap anymore. He's so unused to people being interested in Halsin, that he's taken aback when they are. It becomes the "In the moment, I forget everything and anything I like to do for fun" mentality - no one really cares about what I like to do anyway - if you will. He even goes so far as to joking that the PC may be a doppelganger because *why else would they want to know these things*) out of Halsin when you ask him about himself is that he has a sweet tooth. That he likes honey, and people find that amusing. He chuckles, but his face falls, evidently prepping for the PC to make a similar comment (and he attempts to beat you to the joke about that, though a PC can still call that "on the nose" to which he responds that there is little point in denying oneself if it doesn't hurt anybody - indulging isn't a bad thing). If the PC instead chooses that he should pay little attention to what others think, he gives that infamous: "sometimes I think people look at me and imagine my feelings can't be hurt" line. Which implies - regardless of whether he verbalizes it or not - things in this thread hurt his feelings. Comments or assumptions about his body and his person hurt his feelings. He won't say it, but they do. The PC is likely aware of this by this point in the relationship.

Halsin does not otherwise bring up eating or food to any level of significance or directness - the sweet tooth comment was the only time (you could assume outside of canon interactions that they've had other conversations between them and that perhaps this was brought up, but we are going to base this solely in what Halsin reveals in canon). He brings up hibernation, but specifically the sleeping part of it. Nothing else.

So, the PC then potentially goes ahead and makes an assumption of him during the dryad. How'd they arrive at this conclusion, as it obviously surprises Halsin that they did? It reads, very much, that the PC is making this assumption based on the comment about his sweet tooth, his comment on indulgence, and his physicality (note: the ha ha bear and hibernation thing almost seems like an afterthought - Halsin latches *very* quickly onto the "mindless gorging" part). All things that he has shown very evident discomfort (which is ironic because the question is when he feels most comfortable) or hesitance towards (he claims there is nothing wrong with indulgence, but never seems to indulge himself beyond sex, if that. Gee, what does that remind you of?)

Halsin entrusted this individual with this information, as frivolous as it was, potentially revealed that it hurts his feelings when people make assumptions of him, and this individual then went used that information and made the assuming connection: "So, this is a big man. He said he liked sugar, so he must like to eat and indulge. It must be his favourite thing to do because look at him." I am going to essentially ignore everything else I could have possibly heard, and make a bear hibernation joke that has nothing to do with sleeping being a comfort, but emphasize the eating part.

So, yeah, he's a little taken aback - incredulous, you might say. A little hurt. Resigned, almost. Because at that point, you can make a very logical assumption that Halsin came to a very quick snap realization that perhaps this person was not so different from the others as he thought. That it always eventually comes back to that. What else was he expecting? When has it ever been any different for him?

I think most people would agree that gift giving is Zhongli's highest love language (giving). After that, I think would be words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, then physical touch. As for his highest love language (receiving), it'd probably be quality time.

in conclusion the most poignant thing about ruina is its running theme of Imperfection. imperfection, focused not on its flaws, but on the miracle of it existing to begin with. imperfection not as a failing, but as a triumph. its cracked, broken, deeply in need of repair-- but it's real and its ours and it exists. despite everything it exists and that enough is a relief beyond words, beyond expression. to present a toppled structure not as a conclusion, but an opportunity.

its the choice-- and the joy-- of looking forward, unflinchingly, and facing it. one step at a time.

just remembered a wip i had which was jay at uni meeting normal people and desperately trying to act cool and normal whilst internally screaming about being in a whole new place with all new people and not having his gang with him

THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HAS ARRIVED!!!! AAAAAAAA YES YESYES YES YEESSS 💕✨\(//∇//)\

Richard,

I hope you don't mind, but I happened upon you deep in thought in the castle courtyard and...well, the sight took my breath away.

I used a Muggle contraption (I believe they call it a camera) to capture these still images. You look almost corporeal...

E 🖤

E, my dear,

I am most intrigued by this Muggle contraption, and even more so — by how well you were able to capture me and my heart with it. And what a coincidence! I must admit, I had no idea that anybody was there at the time as I was most likely preoccupied with matters regarding me... Well, you said it yourself, looking corporal. If you have the time, allow me to explain.

You see, for the past two weeks I have been experimenting with something known as ancient magic. I cannot really see it but I can feel it when I am somewhere near the source, and I can really feel it if I touch it. If I spend plenty of time doing just that and focusing on being corporal — I seem to become so! Well, whatever part of me is surrounded by magic anyway.

That photo you took — I believe it was the first time that I have attempted to fully step into the stream of magic a day or two ago. The reason I needed to conduct some experiments first is rather serious as well: when the magic starts sipping away (and it never holds for longer than one day) I... Well, I am yet to find a way to make the transition back to my ghostly form less painful. As much as I was craving to feel, I forgot that pain is an integral part of life as well.

Needless to say that as fun as being able to be me again was, by the time I walked all the way back to the castle in my human form (and I got lost so many times since I could not just fly above the land toward the castle, oops) I was so tired that I just fell asleep on a bench somewhere near that area your camera captured me. When I woke up — I was a ghost again. At the very least, whatever pain I might have gone through that night, I slept through it.

I do hope that you are doing well, my darling. The sight of me should not be taking your breath away but instead making your heart beat and your soul soar. I hope you continue working on those still images because I did not get a chance to look at myself in the mirror that night. You are my only witness and I am honoured to have you share that special moment with me.

Thinking of you, always,

Richard Jackdaw

P. S. May I hope that someday I would be granted permission to call you by your proper name, my lady E?

Thank you for posting all those gifs of Mobius being kind and supportive together. I've seen some takes about Mobius deserving it, but logically it doesn't make sense. He's already doing everything he can to save the timelines. He doesn't want to know his past, nor does he need to know to be motivated to save the timeliness, because he's already been doing since ep 1. Even if we make the argument he has no real free will until he sees his past, this argument is disingenuous because he's using his free will NOT to see it. From a narrative and character development standpoint, he will be forced to see it for the audience's entertainment, because he is a fictional character with no free will-- the screenwriters are the gods (Time Authors, if you will).

In-narrative, you could make a case he should see his timeline if he were actively trying to keep the TVA the way it was, but that's not the case with him. Sylvie's accusations this fall flat.

Mind, I'm not against Sylvie's proposition to start from scratch. Revolutions are important and serve that function. But the TVA is the only organization with people who know how the Loom and timespace work. It's not unreasonable for them to try to stabilize the situation, save the lives of as many timeliness as they can, and consider dismantling the TVA entirely and starting from scratch later.

Since we're dealing with time paradoxes, it's possible that the collapse of the Loom is what causes Loki to recruit Mobius, B-15, and Casey (I'm not sure what kind of entity OB is?) from their timelines. If they all accept, then Loki was the original creator of the Heart of the TVA. It's possible HWR took over at some point in the future and wiped everyone's memories then. The future influenced the past, thus closing the time loop. If this is the case, then Sylvie also contributed to the creation of the TVA, because killing HWR triggered the destruction of the Loom, which will force Loki to recruit, which will create the TVA, which will monitor the multiverse, which at some point will be taken over by HWR to create the Sacred Timeline, which become the multiverse one again after Sylvie kills him, which will destroy the Loom, which will cause Loki to recruit.

Of course!!! Always a delight to and on that note we're truly seeing eye to eye on every single point you raised so thank you for such an amazing ask! Exactly the conversation I was craving after making those gifs just to get some things off my chest about how Mobius gets treated since as you said, he's already been doing everything possible to protect the timelines while clearly under incomprehensible pressure yet has never hesitated to evaluate and change his worldview accordingly to better serve the whole.

Honestly confused by those insisting he HAS to see his past and is in the wrong for not having done so because isn't that up to him?? Doesn't matter what his reasons are, he's entitled to his choices and I can honestly say without hesitation if I were in his shoes my decision would be the same. He enjoys his job, he's incredibly good at the work (people seem to forget he's facilitated the progression of basically every plot point), and has recently built more connections he appreciates and wants to grow than in the entirety of his life combined so why is he not allowed to make a single decision in his own interest when neither his approach to changing the TVA nor any other person is being impacted? But you're exactly right about how regardless he'll be made to have the experience anyway and while I'd be perfectly happy with that never happening I accept the advancement of narrative as a given and can only hope whatever cards he's dealt are ones that only bring him peace of mind about the work he's done so far and in the future.

(adding a read more here because I've got a feeling this is gonna be a long one, lol)

Have also seen many people saying Sylvie blowing up at Mobius was necessary or that he needed to hear it but that logic is completely missed on me? For example Ravonna did the same but considering the amount of history between them her reaction is fully understandable even if I don't agree with the points she made about his compassion being a weakness. Mentioned this to a friend earlier but I truly wish it had been some random character besides Sylvie who yelled at him simply because she doesn't have the kind of personal connection to make judgements and because I don't want any ship war elements at play or anything when my take is solely based around wanting Mobius to be recognized as someone who has been good and kind from the start? Watching him be put down for that as if it's fact in basically every episode is getting exhausting 😔

To that point I also agree with the importance and necessity of revolution but not sure starting from scratch is necessary when the TVA does have a solid base and plenty of people willing to stay and help the cause? In reality there's no time for anyone there to stay currently focused on anything but stabilizing the situation when the alternative is the end of every timeline, burning things to the ground only really counts if there's any ground left to build on which is yet another reason Mobius and the others switched to preservation. For example, O.B's quip about Sylvie ruining his life by killing He Who Remains was complete fact and while I don't have any hate towards her character at all and certainly don't want any mirrored scene of someone yelling at her, etc, it's driving me crazy how she refuses to admit they've actively been saving lives and scrambling to accommodate these unexpected branches while she was at a MCDONALD'S.

My ep 5-6 theory matches yours regarding about the collapse of the Loom being the cause of Mobius, B-15, and Casey ending up at the TVA because their Nexus event technically isn't one, it's them choosing to leave with Loki of their own free will and the good of existence. I'm also not sure if O.B. was ever a variant so he could possibly be the key to figuring out where Loki can find everyone's original self? Psyched to learn more about him and how he ended up in such a vital position! Hundred percent think the series is ending with Loki as the founder and probable ruler of the TVA but can't quite figure out where the switch to He Who Remains entering the picture fits in, and your point about Sylvie also contributing to the creation of the TVA in an infinite loop is a fascinating one that's going to leave me thinking for a long while so thanks for that as well and of everything I have to admit the possibility of Loki and Mobius being their own ouroboros in creating just the right person to intrigue and change themselves into who they always wanted to be has been giving me life, them as timekeepers along with B-15 has been my hope since the first episode of season 2 and is probably the most incredible place I could imagine leaving everyone if we don't get another season.

Thanks to this post on Reddit, I realized when one (1) unreliable narrator Jason Peter Todd was born. Is it any surprise that it was when he died :)))))))))

Your whole life??? I can count on one hand the number of times you got angry. Right now you’re hoping Sheila will make it to Heaven after she got you killed,

And you still consider her your mom. You lived and died an angel.

You had no clue what was going to happen. You were a child who never should have been left alone by his parent.

You and me both, Boston.

Deadman: Dead Again issue #2

the thing is i very much understand the appeal of lupcretia narratively bc they are foils who betray each other and then forgive each other because the force of their grief and guilt brings them to an understanding and i also understand the appeal of blupcretia bc its a three person relationship who disagree on something major and split apart leaving one party feeling abandoned when the other two agree against her and what does that mean for the fact that the rest of their lives outside a horrible timeloop are supposed to start soon Because of that decision and disagreement like i get it narratively its interesting!! but here’s the thing: i just have an unshakeable belief that lup is straight

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

Rio! I have a random question about nesta as a girl who grew up overly pushed and forced into "feminine perfection" by her mom, how did she experience the realization that she couldnt fulfill those toxic expectations that her mom forced on her because of her own trauma and the what the cauldron did to her? Not me asking bc of my own mommy issues lmao sorry if you already talked abt this here! Also idk if i made any sense wiith this question in my head i did

euge my darling i could kiss you on the mouth. i've been sitting on this ask for like 2 weeks now because it's just so juicy and i've been wanting to do it (and nesta) justice in how i answer it with regards to my portrayal.

honestly? i don't think nesta HAS come to this realization. and i say this because i don’t think she is in a space mentally or emotionally to understand that those expectations ARE toxic. certainly not in a canon world LMAO but not really in my interpretation either. i think that the rotten roots that her mother dug into her at such a young age are so deep that it will likely take decades for nesta to really even understand just how badly she's been harmed. and the canon treatment she receives at the hands of the IC absolutely does not go far in mending the mindset she's been brainwashed into either.

i mean. people can talk about how prythian doesn't uphold the patriarchal ideals that the human world does because it's an entirely different culture and species but the fact of the matter is that that's just complete bogus. men rule prythian. and you can argue that amarantha was in charge and blah blah blah the human queens blah blah blah but the fact of the matter is, tamlin wasn't putting feyre down when he told her there weren't high ladies among the fae. he was simply stating a fact. viviane of winter court (arguably an incredible leader considering the winter court did not sway under amarantha's rule while kallias was under the mountain) was clearly slighted when rhysand made feyre the first high lady.

and don't even get me started on the treatment of illyrian women. the abuse that those young girls and women are subjected to by illyrian men (rhysand's people!) is very close to the treatment that nesta expects as someone who grew up knowing that her only fate, the only role she would fit into, was that of a submissive wife to ensure her family's care. that those women are being violated so horribly because it's "tradition" just further proves to her that safety is not an option. that freedom is not an option.

all that to say, nesta can't break out of those expectations because she doesn't have the tools or the knowledge to be able to do it. not even when she goes to live in the supposedly amazing world of the fae that her baby sister so dearly loves. she is forced into “fae ideals” which are not far off from what she’s already familiar with. she is “promised” (mated) to a man for the “good of her family” (the IC/rhys/feyre) whether she wants to be or not and “society” (the IC) expects her to stay quiet and accept it and do it beautifully and to stop being in pain so loudly. because that’s feminine perfection of course!

i think that. even if she DID realize this. she would be in deep denial. lune and i are giving nessian the story that they deserve, but trauma is trauma. and like i said it’s going to take a long time for nesta to uncover how badly she’s been hurt for so long. but even just uncovering it won’t “fix” or help her. there are so many layers to the way her mother’s expectations cut away at her (and continue and will continue to do so!).

i believe nesta knows her mother was cruel, but she wouldn’t believe she’s been harmed without reason. which is why, even realizing that the expectations foisted on her were terrible and she couldn’t meet them if she really tried, she would simply be devastated that she could fail so badly. because that’s all she does in her own eyes, you know? she failed her mother, she failed her sisters, she failed her father, she fails cassian, she fails herself. she wouldn't think, "gee i shouldn't have been treated like shit like that", she'd think, "wow i can't believe i became high fae and i still can't manage to take care of my fucking family". i think it would be a setback in her healing and she’d have to climb those stairs too.