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clarkeryan17writing-blog · 6 years

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Lost and Confused

I think I am writing this as a way to remember what I am currently describing as a most painful journey, so I am looking at this as a little bit of cathartic reflectiveness. The newly qualified social worker in me recoils, as for the last four years we are taught the importance of reflective writing, yet I paid no head to it. Often working under pressure and hoping that my near accuracies of events that have transpired are in fact, fact, rather than mere conjecture. However this will be interpreted, I am doing this for me, because right now I am struggling to make sense of this life. Quite simply, I am confused and if I am completely honest, totally lost.

If I cast my mind back, the problems began back in May. Some of the family were in attendance at my baby cousin’s holy communion. My aunt had expressed that she had felt unwell when out celebrating for her younger daughter’s recent nuptials a couple of days prior to this event. They had been out for dinner and as a fan of food (like most of my family are) my aunt tried something new, however her night ended early as she felt unwell. My aunt blamed the food (as most of us do when we try something new) and put it down to experience, rather than something sordidly medical. I wonder, was it then it began? Was it the food? Or is this just something I am fixated on. Would it have made a difference if she had been checked then? Or was it already too late. Answers to these questions, I am destined to forever ponder over, without any answers. The joys of an over analytical mind and the curse of an anxiety led mess.

Anyways, I digress. Today my aunt was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and I feel so fucking angry that I could quite easily walk away from everything I have built in the last four years and not even blink an eye. The angel of death and I have danced together rhythmically over the years, with he or she systematically removing many of the people that I have loved and still love dearly to this day. I have seen death, I have been moved and forever altered by it. I have endured addiction and lost years as a result of loss, I have allowed it to consume every fibre of my being. I have been consciously, unconscious, feeling nothing, yet everything. I have shut myself down and shut others out to protect myself from feeling anything at all. However, becoming a social worker changed my perspective and allowed me to become a better human being, it allowed me to develop and understand my behaviours and look for resolution, rather than perpetual self-harm and self-loathing.

As much as that built up resilience has allowed me to endure and face hardship. Right now, I feel like a loose cannon, ready to go off. I am off tangent and eerily numb. I could easily lose myself in the past. Diagnosis, doesn’t always mean dying right? I look at my other aunt, who is coming through treatment, and she is doing okay. This, I don’t know why, it… it just feels different and I am at a loss to understand why. Why my aunts, why this one in particular. She is goodness personified, not saying that my other aunt isn’t just the same. But this aunt, God I love her. She is always there when I need her. She has picked me up more times than I have fallen and believe me when I say that is a whole lot, as I am somewhat accident prone. How do I help her? Will she let me? I just love her, like wow… l am not ashamed to admit this, but right now I am crying. The thought of this terrifying diagnosis being given to anyone. How do other families, partners and friends deal with this? Is it normal to want to drown in my own tears and lock out the world? How the hell will my aunt cope with this? FUCK! How is she feeling, do I text her? Do I call her? She lives like, right round the corner, do I go to her. Right now, I don’t know if I could face her without breaking down. I need to get my shit together and give myself a slap. She needs me! My mum needs me, she is already a tear ridden mess. I have to shut down a little bit. I have to try to be strong and gulp down this overwhelming feeling to run away from it all. Fight or Flight is a pain in my anxious ass.

I guess we need to start on the day it all came to fruition. The day that I was actually informed that there was something wrong. I knew I was going out with my mum and my aunt, to have lunch with my uncle, aunt and baby cousin. Family is massive to me. They are my world, I love them all so much, and I’d do anything for them. Anyways, I digress. I was picked up and another one of my aunts was there. I was not informed of this and thought it strange. There were a lot of looks and hushed talks, I tried to not read in to it, but I knew there was something off. I asked my aunt to stop for coffee, as she was the driver that day, the car resounded no, however my aunt, being my aunt took me anyways. She let me pay and then almost drove off without it, oh how we laughed. Even in my 30’s my mother would describe me as utterly spoiled and even in my 30’s, I am still considered the baby and as a result of that things are generally kept from me to “protect me”. Unbeknownst to me, everyone in that car knew my aunt was sick, apart from me.

That level of naivety caused me to make some very ill-fitting jokes that day, talk about foot in mouth. I was getting bored of following my mother and two aunts around the shops, so I decided to go and take a seat in the small sitting area in between all the shops to watch the world go by. My aunt came and sat down beside me. On reflection I should have seen it coming, I could tell she was nervous and was staring at me with great intent. I turned to her as I felt her eyes on me and the words “I need to tell you something” came out of her mouth. The world in that moment froze, all of the surrounding noise, became eerily silent and she spoke again. “You know how they found a lump in my chest, well whatever that is, it is also in my blood and in my liver”. I remember shaking my head and trying to control my emotions as I was in a very public place, but I couldn’t. So I started to cry. My aunt attempted to comfort me, but I couldn’t be around her in that moment, I didn’t want her to be hurt, so I said “I need to get some air”, this kind, loving woman wanted to come with me, however I told her I needed to be alone. The pained expression on her face, is one I will never forget. We talk about timing in life, how the timing has to be right. There would never be the right time to get that kind of news.

As I walked in to the crowd I found a seat looking out on to the water, I tried to get my emotions under control however, it just wasn’t happening. All I could do was cry, fear was consuming me. Was she going to die? I saw this couple in front of me attempting to take a selfie, to obtain the beautiful view in the background and there was me sobbing like an absolute mess. I offered to take their picture as they were struggling to get the angle right. After I took their picture, the man turned to me and said “I hope that whatever it is that has made you cry, you are okay”. I thanked him. That moment restored my faith in people and the kindness that a mere stranger can show you. Thank you, whoever you were. Out the corner of my eye, I spotted my baby cousin and my uncle. My little cousin ran up and hugged me, I held her a little tighter as I needed to be anchored to the ground in that moment. My uncle grabbed me and asked if I was okay, I think the look in my eyes said it all. My other aunt came over and took him away, whilst my sick aunt and mother came to me. I watched my aunt break my uncle’s heart with the news. The look on his face thereafter mirrored mines, saying it all.

Instead of going for lunch that day, we all sat at a table in a daze. I don’t think anyone, apart from my baby cousin, who was completely oblivious, ate. The journey home was a sombre one, with my aunt becoming extremely fatigued. There had been no formal diagnosis on this day, but something said to me that this would not end well. I had a bad feeling. I am thankful for my friends over the next week as they helped keep my head above the water. The fear of the unknown made me feel uneasy and unhinged, yet I just have to keep going.

A week later my aunt was rushed in to hospital for her very first visit, she felt like she couldn’t breathe… That trip to the hospital confirmed the family’s worst fears that we were indeed dealing with the big C. Yet again it had invited itself in to my family, affecting another one of my mother’s sisters. To hear that she had been taken in to hospital and then to get the news it was cancer and that it was pretty bad. I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was incredibly angry. So I went to my little cousin’s grave (that’s a whole other story) and sat there. I had switched off my phone, I needed to gather my strength, and I needed a minute to process this news before having to face my mother. When I finally got to her, she was utterly inconsolable, she was unable to formulate a sentence, her anxiety was in full melt down mode and all I could do was try to comfort her, which turned out to be an unrealistic task. This was her big sister, her best friend, her walking buddy… the list was endless. You see my family, my mother and I. We have endured loss and lots of it. I guess the thought of actually getting close to someone is always frightening, as I know just how painful it is to lose those who you love. But here we were again, facing the prospect of loss and not really knowing what to say or do. So we went a drive, it was the most unpleasant car ride of my life, my mum presumed that my aunt could die at any moment with all the feedback we were getting and the irrationality of it all was in full effect. Music is my greatest release and I don’t know why but Andra Day, Rise Up was totally over played today. “You’re broken down and tired, of livin’ life on a merry-go-round and you can’t find a fighter, but I see it in you, so we gon’ walk it out”. Outstanding opening lyrics, my aunt is a fighter. I know she can fight this. Please just give her a chance. Whatever the outcome of this situation, I know this song will forever move me to tears. My aunt did not die today on the 25th of June, 2017. I am thankful, as I am not ready to say goodbye just yet.

I doubt very much that I am going to sleep tonight, I am sitting here wondering how my cousins are, how my uncle is. Will my mum be okay, how will this affect my family? Will I survive this one? Please let her have more time, I need more time. I sent her a message just there; Hi, I don’t know if you’ll have your phone or not. I guess I am kind of hoping that you do. I just want you to know that I love you so, so much. You are and always will be my favourite. I’ll see you soon, with an obscene amount of kisses and emoji’s. My aunt never responded, however she read it at 02:07 hours. The joys of WhatsApp I wonder what is going through her head right now. I’ll be fucked if I could explain what is going through mines.

My aunt has to remain in the hospital to undergo tests, we are still awaiting the prognosis from her diagnosis. The wait is just infuriating, test after test. To determine, how long she has to live. Is it even accurate? Anyways, at this point she is stable. I will take that today.

It’s the 27/06/17 today, I am finally getting to see my aunt today. I am heading to the hospital with my mum to visit. I text her to see if she needed anything. Her response had me in tears; Hi C, think I have everything. Maybe pick up your uncle, because he won’t ask you. Paper hankies please. That’s all. I’ll probably cry. X. I wrote back about me being a snottery mess and that she shouldn’t worry about crying. I stated that I was writing a report that day for work and she was full of support as always. She is one of my greatest cheerleaders in life. I am thankful for the small gestures she makes, even whilst enduring what she is. It is the unknown that is the worst. She just wants to know, we all do. I still can’t believe that this is happening. I am afraid, but I am appearing to be strong.

So I am just home from visiting her. There were lots of tears tonight. My aunt was visibly in pain, however she refuses to engage in taking regular medication for the fear of becoming addicted. The strength that she is showing is absolutely incredible. I feel like I can’t breathe tonight, I doubt that I am going to sleep. There is a group family chat, where we are getting updates about my aunt’s condition now. I never thought I’d see the day that this would happen. We are such a big family, that it is understandable. It just doesn’t feel right.

I haven’t had the desire to write much the last few days, I have flung myself in to work. I feel like if I keep myself busy, my mind busy that I will be able to compartmentalise all of my feelings. The family are still receiving updates. I have been texting on and off with my aunt. I cooked meals for my uncle and got in trouble for it. Apparently I’m doing too much, I just want to help, anyway that I can. Because let’s be honest I feel completely and utterly useless right now. In this uselessness, I feel like I just want to block it all out. I just want to drink, or escape like I used to. I wonder is it that I am so used to hurting myself, that it feels like nothing, but when I think of hurting those around me again, I know I need to stick to reality right now. How to escape, without actually escaping. I am not sleeping again, I don’t think this is helping and when I do sleep, I have to have the light on. I stopped sleeping with the light on years ago, and now. Now I need it again, I can’t be alone in the dark with these feelings… you know what I mean? My phone is on loud and vibrate, every time it beeps, buzzes or makes a sound, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. What is wrong with me? She is still here, she’s in hospital, in the best place. My irrationality is in full swing. I feel like I need some help to sleep, or I need to just run, head first in to a brick wall. Sleep is not coming, pain is.

It’s the 29/07/17 today, my aunt has been getting some trouble with her eye. She went to the opticians and she was told that there was a lump behind her eye that was causing her sight problems. It transpires that the cancer is now behind her eye. Why is this happening? It feels like it all going at an exponential rate. She was fine a minute ago and now it is everywhere. I feel so fucking angry that this is happening to her. It is stripping everything away from her, she can’t even drive her car anymore. I wish I was smarter, I wish there was a way that I could cure her and all of the others who are suffering from this horrendous disease. It’s just so debilitating and to hear her so deflated is… it’s just so fucking heart-breaking. My heart goes out to all of those who are subject or touched by this disease, it really consumes and controls lives. I admire those who have fight, like my other aunt. My mum’s youngest sister. Who went through an invasive surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy!!! She is doing incredibly well, her fight is not yet over and she is making an amazing steps to, hopefully recovery? I guess that is just another waiting game. My other aunt, not so much. How can they both be at such differing ends of the spectrum? I guess you try to take away your own feelings as much as possible, but I am scared. I am scared for both of them and the future, the time that they have left.

Today is the 3rd of July, 2017. I am going up to my aunt’s house today. Have you ever spent your whole life around someone, yet never really noticed things about them. Is that what taking people for granted looks like? My aunt has the most incredible blue eyes, like wow. They are so beautiful. I blurted it out, like out of nowhere. Who does that? Clearly I do. My aunt and my mum just looked at me and laughed. I was taking pictures today and my aunt said that I had to calm down, she wasn’t dead yet. I just looked at her and apologised. I guess trying to commit everything to memory all at once, is never a good idea. Dick move 101 today. I did, however manage to get a cracking picture of my mum and my aunt today. I love it. My aunt gets her prognosis in 4 days. The 7th of July and I am away to a festival that weekend. I told my aunt that I wouldn’t go and she told me that under no circumstances would I be missing it. How can I just switch off from this for a full weekend and is it fair that I do go? My aunt would literally kick my arse if I don’t go… My head feels like it might burst. It feels strange to think that in four days’ time, my aunt will find out how long she has left on this earth… I cannot begin to imagine what is going through her head. She is strength personified and I know she is more worried about everyone else’s reaction, rather than dying herself. That beautiful spirit, that kind of person, you just don’t come by them that often in this lifetime. Four days and my family’s world will be forever altered.

I went to the festival, sure I seen a lot of bands, I drank a lot of alcohol, yet nothing took away the pain. The fear of the unknown. I sent my aunt some selfies as I had promised a picture a day and we exchanged some chat over the weekend. I wanted to ask her what the script was, but I daren’t. I am a coward. Right now I am sitting in my friend’s house, avoiding going home. Today is the 10/07/17, today is the day that I find out how long my aunt has to live. I don’t want to go home and burst this bubble I have right now, you know that little fantasy land that you live in and pretend that everything is okay. It is far from it. Please let it be years, because any less would be just ridiculous, a complete travesty to a life that has not yet fully lived. Wish me luck…

So I went straight home to my mums. The look on her face said it all to be honest. Her eyes were a clear indication that all was not well. It transpires that my aunt has 3-6 months to live, providing that the upcoming treatment she has works. (Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy). The news, that single moment has just taken the wind right out of me. I have to go and face her today, how can I face her… My mum stated that there had been a message sent out on the Friday (the first day of my festival) to all of our family apart from me, to say that she had 3-6 months to live. Part of that message referred to me not being told, until after my festival, as she wanted me to have a good time. This woman literally kills me. She knew I would just come home, I feel like I should have been at home. Was I If I selfish to try to have some fun? From my mums house you can see my aunt’s house, and as we were talking. The woman that has just been given a short time to live, has decided she is going out for a walk. I am currently watching her, alongside my uncle, walking together along the road, slowly but surely and I cannot stop the steady stream of tears as they run from my eyes. Such strength, such beauty, such courage. I know many of you who will read this, will say I am bias, well of course I am. She is amazing. I am proud to be her family.

Okay, so after receiving this news, I avoided some more and decided I would go and get some stuff to cook meals for them both. I also picked up some empire biscuits that I knew she and my uncle enjoyed. I am going round to see her now. I feel sick, I must try to keep it together. Needless to say that did not happen and there were tears, snotters and tantrums. For the first time in my life, I left my phone in my car and spent nearly three hours with my aunt and uncle. I left in the end, because my aunt is a stubborn woman and she wouldn’t take her morphine whilst I was there. She was in pain and she could no longer mask it. Fuck you cancer, honestly, fuck you. My aunt said this tonight and my heart is in one million pieces. “If I make it to Christmas, we will go out for dinner. Me, you, your mum and my uncle. We will make it really special”. I said well we better invite your kids along then, because then it will be extra special. (My cousins didn’t spend Christmas with their mum and step dad, they spent the 1st of January together that was their tradition). My aunt agreed and smiled. Please let her make Christmas. Please give her more time. Is that selfishness? Potentially inflicting more pain on someone, who is already suffering… wanting more time, when their body is in so much pain. I feel conflicted right now, I am so angry, I am sad, I am lost. Time is a funny one, you spend your life consumed by it, measuring your life by it. But when you need more of it, it just doesn’t seem to work in your favour. I am trying to not drown my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle right now, but Jack Daniels could honestly be a friend of mines. My coping mechanisms are truly fucked up. Because if I am honest, I am living on little sleep and 100% anxiety.

My mind is somewhere I don’t even want to go, and that is saying something. I really am going to lose her. She is going to die and I don’t think there is anything in this world that I wouldn’t trade right now to stop this from happening. Sleep won’t come tonight. It is 05:00 hours, and I am back at work today (11/07/17). All that keeps going on in my head is the same loop…How on earth will my cousins and uncle cope with this shit, if I can’t even get my head around it. My mum, well I know she has me and I will do everything in my power to help her. I know T, DJ and Bazza have each other, I know I have my family, the ones that I am close to, and I have them. But some of them are really shitty and have a fucked up interpretation of what that word actually means. I fear writing right now, as I know that I am not making sense, I understand this. I am just thinking out loud. My aunt seems to have accepted her fate, she is okay with the time she has left. My aunt has decided to pursue the treatment that could prolong her life from 3-6 months. What if this treatment isn’t successful, does that mean it will happen quicker? Will she die sooner? There are so many questions, yet no one seems to be able to provide my family with any solid answers. Is it because they don’t even know? I am a whole new level of fucked up today, time to put my game face on and do what I do best… WING IT.

It’s the 13/07/17 my aunt has been rushed back in to hospital, again. She is in a lot of pain. Damn this emotional rollercoaster, I literally had just been told that there had been some pain management, finally and then this. What sort of sick, twisted game does cancer play with its victims? I don’t know how much more she can take of this, she is strong, but she is tired. Please pray for my aunt. I just want to make her pain stop, I would just like to make all of their pain stop. I can’t do anything, I am powerless. In my job, I provide advice, support and guidance in the hope that I can help change someone’s life, and I can’t do anything for my own family, I have to watch on as cancer ravages my Aunt and eventually, well it is going to kill her, it’s not fucking fair. Work and personal life, the things you shouldn’t blur, yet I cannot stop comparing my roles. My poor aunt. She is exhausted with it all. I would very much like now to be sitting in Costa with her buying her a latte, or be in a shopping centre being dragged around every shop without her buying a single thing, than thinking about visiting her in a hospital. As the days go on, I am less convinced that she has long to go. How do I convey this to those who have faith, am I faithless or am I being realistic? I hope that my aunt is getting some proper pain relief tonight. I worry about her so much. She is a worries, I guess I got it from her.

I sent my aunt a text today 14/07/17 “Miss you Auntie Joan the Moan”. My mum’s nickname for her, I subsequently got in trouble as my mother is the only erson that is allowed to call her that. My aunt is pretty sick. She has to have a calcium infusion? Not sure what that is all about, you’d think with my extensive medical knowledge thanks to Grey’s Anatomy, I’d have this down. I don’t. I will find out more when I am allowed to visit.

In order to help my mum take her mind off of things I decided today on the 15/07/17 I’d take my mum out for some lunch. With my aunt being in hospital and her not wanting visitors at this time, my mum feels very anxious and worried. So I am doing my best to keep her anchored, whilst inside I am freaking out. I really should have taken up acting when I had the chance. I am playing a blinder of a performance in life right now. Frances McDormand eat your heart out. Whilst sitting at lunch, we received a text stating that my uncle had went up to the hospital to visit and then after that, we were asked to go up. We had just ordered lunch and my mum was frantic. I spoke to the lady in the Ettrick, where we have many family lunches and she was very understanding of our situation. So I paid for the drinks and we left to go to the hospital. Thank you to the staff at the Ettrick for being so understanding. I just had to get my mum to her sister. When we got there… well, let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. My aunt was standing with drains coming out of her, her legs shaking, her body exhausted and her breathing laboured. I just wanted to run out of that room. I had to turn around and get it together as my cousin and uncle were there. I don’t want them to see me sad. My mum ushered them out and stated that they should go, so that we could have some time. My aunt stated to us how much pain she was in and I could see my mum starting to get upset… this whole situation is just horrendous. I pleaded with her to sit or lie down, as her legs would cave in any minute with how exhausted she was. After much argument, as my aunt is a stubborn woman, my mum and I managed to sit her down and she struggled to get entirely comfortable, however she was sitting and her legs were getting a rest. I felt overwhelmed and decided to use my best tactics to get out of that room as quickly as possible. I suggested a coffee run. As per usual my mum and aunt argued about who would pay. My mum won. In my head I wanted to give my mum some alone time with her sister, but I also knew I needed to break down alone. Away from the prying eyes of my family.

I left the room and my head was spinning and before I knew it I was crying, out loud in the corridor. This lady appeared from nowhere and grabbed me. This woman was in a hospital gown, she had a bald head and was attached to a drip. She was fighting her own battle, yet she stopped to comfort me. The lady stated that my aunt seemed like she was a lovely woman, however sometimes with cancer, it just spreads so quickly that there is no way to stop it. I understood her words, I felt like she was telling me that my aunt didn’t have long left. I sobbed my heart out again to a perfect stranger, and I felt guilty for it. Thank you for taking the time to comfort me in my time of need. I hope that you’re still winning your battle and eventually that you become cancer free.

When I returned to the room, my aunt and mother were deep in conversation. We sat and spoke for a couple of hours. My aunt was getting tired and believe me she was not backwards at coming forward. She told us it was time to leave. My mum pleaded with her to take medication to help her sleep, my aunt said that she would… I knew that she would not. I told her that I would see her the next day, as I was driving my other aunt up to see her. She stated that this would be fine. I am losing her, I can’t believe I am losing her. Leaving her room tonight with my mum, I literally couldn’t stop the tears. This time it was a nurse that hugged me, she stated that it was all happening extremely quickly and that we should be prepared. My mum just looked at her and nodded. I took comfort in her embrace. Thank you to the nurse in ward 2A at the QEUH, Glasgow for taking the time to be there for me.

The drive home was full of questions from my mum, about what she meant and I couldn’t answer her. I guess right now, I don’t think that my aunt will go through the treatment. I don’t think she is strong enough to endure it. I don’t think we have much time with her left.

It’s the 16/07/17, I get to see my wonderful aunt again today. This makes me smile. I picked up my aunt and up we went. My aunt Maymay asked how my Auntie Mazza was doing, and well I stated that it was best that she seen for herself. I explained that it had been quite upsetting. When we got there, I heard my aunt speaking to someone, so I presumed that there would have been visitors. There wasn’t. I didn’t question my aunt on who she was speaking to, but it scared me. I am not going to lie. We were sitting talking for a while and my brave Auntie Mazza burst in to tears, so then my other aunt burst in to tears and I was scared and I didn’t know what to do… so I texted my mum. My mum called straight away and asked to be put on the phone to my Auntie. My Auntie was like to you text your mum, I was like I did. I was worried. She smiled and spoke with my mum. My aunt wasn’t afraid of dying, she was afraid of the impact it would have on her family, her dying. We all cried… I think the reality of the situation became very clear. I noticed that my Auntie had holy socks on, she was mortified and demanded that I change them for her, as well as this she told me to text her husband and give him in to trouble for her wearing said holy socks. His response was a belter “Well tell your aunt, if she didn’t put holy socks in the drawer, this would not have happened at all”. We eventually laughed. I asked if my Auntie needed anything from the shop, as I wanted to give her and my aunt May some time. I walked to the shop, taking my time. When I returned, they both appeared to be more settled. We got our marching orders about 2 hours later, my Auntie needed to rest. Cancer is taking its toll massively on her fragile body.

It’s the 17th of July 2017 and my aunt is undergoing more tests. She is being moved to the Beatson to be fitted for her Radiotherapy mask. I am not sure how I feel about the upcoming treatment now, her body is tired. She is going through so much. I text her to wish her luck. She thanked me. I then later that day text her to say; “Hope they are treating you well at the Casa del Gartnavel (Beatson). I love you so much Auntie Mazza, I know you know. But I just want to keep telling you because I do”. She responded “Aaaaaaaawh. Thanks.x … Bless this woman. She is just so loved. I don’t really know what to think right now… I don’t want to live in a world where she doesn’t exist. This world will be a darker place without her light in it. I can’t stop thinking that everything was fine a minute ago.

It’s the 19/07/17 my Aunt is getting put through yet another procedure. I text her to say that I hoped it wasn’t too sore. My Aunt informed me that she was now back in the QEUH, and well that whole situation of her being moved from one hospital to another has just left me utterly perplexed. I am too angry to even talk about it. Basically, the Beatson cannot do anything for her as she is still too unwell. The really should have known this before sending her anywhere else. I think hospitals need to do better at communicating. My aunt and all of those other patients who are undergoing treatment, should be treated with more dignity and respect. It is after all in their governing standards. I have a migraine tonight, I’ve just taken some medication. I feel sleepy, but I am afraid to sleep. I was texting my Auntie there she said “Oh no. Nothing worse. Just have an early night. Sleep well and don’t you worry about me… how I could possibly not… I need to sleep.

I sent a message to her today 20/07/17… STAY STRONG… I got some love hearts back. How can I possibly ask her to stay strong when she gets weaker and weaker every day. I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to be strong. I am just so angry. She won’t be receiving anymore treatment. It is likely that Palliative Care will now be implemented. I swear like yesterday, all was fine. How can this actually be happening? I don’t want to accept this. I cried in the toilet at work today. I had a moment of weakness. A client, whose mother is dying, told me that I didn’t know how she was feeling, that I couldn’t possibly understand. People seem to believe that social workers are just robots and that we do not feel. I can assure you that we do.

It’s the 21/07/17 and we are going up to the hospital to see my aunt today. My aunt is finally up to seeing people. My mum just really wants to see her sister. We walked in and well as you could probably imagine she was lying in her bed, weak, sleepy and has laboured breathing. There are so many things that I want to say, and I am running out of time. I wonder does she know how thankful I am for her. For the times that she ensured that I had a childhood, when my mother was unable to do so due to agoraphobia. Does she know that her support was unwavering and really appreciated throughout my life? She was more than just my Auntie. I wonder if she knows just how much I love her and how much I look up to her. I wonder if she knows that her relationship with my uncle, apart from Johnny and June Cash, is my favourite love story, and that I hope one day I meet a girl, who makes me feel like my uncle does for my aunt. So many things, so little time. I wrote her a letter. I just haven’t given it to her. I wonder if I should. I don’t want her to be sad. We cried when we left the hospital today. There are no words.

It is the 23/07/17 and I just really need to see my aunt. I just need to hug her. I got permission to go and see her. She is in and out of it tonight. When she was with us (my cousin and I), she was talking about my childhood and just how accident prone I was. She was making me laugh and we had a few moments together. I lay my head beside her at one point and just held her hand, as the tears silently rolled from my face. She said to me, I don’t want people to see me like this… I don’t want them to be staring at me. I told her I understood. We just lay there for another little while. My big cousin was in and out. I was thankful for that little moment I got with my aunt, just me and her. When it was time to leave, my aunt was taking her pill and began to choke, I ran to the toilet to get the sick bowl just in case. She was more worried about everyone else in the room and their reactions. She was like “I’m fine”. I looked in her eyes, those incredible blue eyes and left. I have a feeling this will be the last time I see my Auntie and it’s breaking my heart. Sleep will not come tonight, I can feel it already…

24/07/17…The palliative care team have been in contact and my Auntie will be moved to the hospice this week. I feel sick to my stomach. Currently, she is in and out of it, as she describes herself as permanently exhausted. I just want to be there for her, but she doesn’t want to see anyone. My mum is devastated by this…

My aunt celebrated her wedding anniversary today… she made it for that. She is a trooper. She still does not want any visitors. The more the days go on, the more I am aware that Sunday the 23/07/17 has to be the last time I’ll have got to see her alive. I am broken today, I don’t think I can take this pain anymore. I don’t have any words.

My mum text me today 28/07/17 to say that my aunt had perked up and she was asking for some diet coke (her favourite soft drink). My immediate thought was, oh wow this is excellent and then the feeling of dread has overcome me. This has to be the surge… The big come back before the finale. I did learn about this on Greys (Mark Sloan scene, just before he died. Shonda Rhymes gets me every time. All the feels). I told my mum and she told me I was being ridiculous… I then told her to google the symptoms. My mum now understands and has apologised to me… She knows this to be a true reflection of the situation and well she is just playing the waiting game now. We all are. I took her for her shopping tonight and left to go to a friend’s house… I feel so uneasy. My poor mum is so lost and I wish there was something more I could do for her. My mum isn’t just losing her big sister, she is losing her best friend.

We just all got a message there from my cousin to tell us that my aunt only has a few more hours in the land of the living. I was right it was the surge. I feel like someone has just shot me in the heart. I don’t know what to do with myself… I sat in my friends for a couple of hours before going to my mums. Every time the phone goes, we both expect the worst, however for the most part my aunt appears to be holding on… Such a stubborn, strong woman. My uncle is there playing her favourite music to her on his guitar (she gave him a wee clap of the hands after one of his performances, God I love that woman) and my cousins are with her, telling her how loved she is. I cannot imagine who they are feeling right now. I have been with people when they have died, it can be very intense and extremely taxing emotionally. I think people need to think of the impact it can have on them when they make a decision like that, to spend those final moments with someone. I speak from experience when I say it can be very damaging mentally, but not everyone is the same and my experiences are professionally as well as personally.

It is now the 29/07/17… still no news, it is 12:17 hours and I am not asleep… I keep thinking about her, I wonder if she is in pain. I don’t want her to be suffering anymore. I hope my cousins and my uncle are okay… I wish I could be there with them at this time, however I am respecting my Aunts wishes. She wouldn’t want me or anyone else to see her like that. When my little cousin died, I didn’t get to see him. I think if I did, I wouldn’t be here today. I understand my aunts need to protect people, and for them to remember her the way she was/is. Not really sure what tense is appropriate right now.

It’s now 09:00 hours, I have been up and down so many times that I am not sure if I have actually slept… My aunt is still hanging on in there. What a stubborn woman she is. She should let go now, its okay Auntie Mazza, I know you’re ready, we aren’t, and we never will be. I can’t even begin to imagine how my cousins and uncle are, they’ve been awake this entire time… I wish there was something I could do… Common theme of this writing “I wish”… My biggest wish is that none of this was happening.

It’s just after 11am, you died today. I can’t begin to tell you how much I miss you already. I hope that you are at peace now. I have been invited to a viewing tonight, but I can’t do it… I will seek solace in the bottom of an empty bottle, because feeling this at all once, is all too encompassing and I just can’t cope. I will attend the viewing tomorrow. I can’t face this right now, the reality of it all. I know who to go to, what friends to seek support from and who to avoid. That might sound harsh, however, I need to not be in control tonight, I need to let go. I don’t want to talk about it, I just want to pretend, just for one more day that this isn’t real, and that she isn’t gone. Because reality might just kill me right now. I don’t mean to disappoint you Auntie Mazza, but right now. I don’t want to feel anymore.

It’s the 30/07/17. I have woke up, and I cannot begin to tell you how stupid I was last night and how drunk I got. Alcohol is not a solution folks. Holy shit it is not. I am feeling all kinds of fear, amidst that of the overwhelming grief. I totally fucked it last night, lost yet another handbag and its contents. I came home and watched videos of my aunt, crying my eyes out. I cried myself to sleep last night, alone. I actually really need to get it together. I have to pick up my mother shortly and go and see my aunt for the very last time. I am all kinds of scared. I have seen death before, I have seen a dead body before, professionally and personally. It is hard. It is accepting that this person isn’t there anymore, that they aren’t just going to wake up and be like… surprise, fooled you all. Because this isn’t the movies and immortality, well it just doesn’t exist. I am so disgustingly hungover, I honestly couldn’t hate myself anymore. I cannot believe that I used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism… I was younger back then, so I guess my old ass can’t handle the sesh anymore. I am avoiding again. I am going to see my aunt now, for the very last time. How did this actually happen… I am crying again.

I just got back from seeing my Aunt… She looked incredibly peaceful and it was as if a smile was on her face. I am not sure if I am functioning or not. I don’t even know if I am hungover anymore. I am… numb, I guess. I walked in to the hospice and we were directed to where she was. My Uncles family were there to pay their respects, so we allowed them to go in first. My mum was agitated and I was just trying to not pass out. I saw my uncle’s daughter and granddaughter they were incredibly upset when they were coming out, I just bowed my head. I couldn’t look at them. I knew it would soon by my turn. The door opened and my mum walked in first, she burst in to tears and well, that was me. I started to have a panic attack and I was rooted to the ground, my body shaking and the tears, well they were streaming from my face. In that moment it all became real. My big cousins came out and held me, they said that we would do it together and that it was all going to be okay. Was I not the one that was supposed to be doing that for them? When the door opened my aunt was lying there on the bed, looking as beautiful as ever, looking like she was just asleep. I wanted nothing more in that moment for her to wake up and scold me for, well… anything really. But, she didn’t, otherwise I’d be writing about a zombie apocalypse or something.

I was guided to the seat by her bed and I watched as my mother kissed her sister and held her for the last time. It was the most beautiful and heart breaking thing to watch all at once. My eldest big cousin said to me that she was cold to the touch but not worry. Immediately my inner monologue was going wild. “Do I hold her hand or not” Panic set in… After a while I held my aunts hand and I cried. My big cousin held me. I know I am one of the youngest and I appreciate that they showed me support and love. I know my aunt would have expected that of them. We all shared stories and we laughed and we cried. My aunt was an extraordinary human being, with such poise and flare. She carried herself in such a way that it was hard to not love everything about her. I miss her voice, I miss the way she said my name. She and my little cousin, who died tragically at the age of 17 said my name in such a way that no one else could. It’s funny to think I will never hear that again. I digress… When it came time to leave, I didn’t think I would be able to leave her… I wasn’t sure I was ready, but my mum was adamant it was time to go. I took one last look at the body lying there on the bed, with the yellow flower in her hands and I said, I’ll never forget you for as long as I live. I kissed her on the cheek for the last time and I turned and walked out of the door.

I think I took the time to write this as an outlet, but also so that people could read about how much my aunt meant to me. She was like a second mother. I am so privileged to have had her in my life. To know her was to love her and to love her is to miss her. Cancer rips families apart, it forever alters those who survive it and it is something I hope that we find a cure to one day. To all those who have lost loved ones, my heart goes out to you, I hope that you find strength in the days that come and that you never lose faith. For those who are fighting it, keep fighting and stay strong. For those whose battle may be coming to an end, may your days be filled with no pain and your final wishes be granted. Life is a gift, every day I wake up and remind myself of that fact. I am blessed beyond measure, I get that. Unfortunately, my anxiety kind of doesn’t always let me get the job done, and I am continuously working on that. Not all things work for all people, find what keeps your mind busy and go from there. I am not sure if I will write anymore, as my head and heart are hurting too much right now. Marion Elizabeth Halley, I love you, no words could or can convey just how much. There is a massive void in my heart, memories of you I will forever treasure. May you be at peace now, wherever you are.

#cancer #standuptocancer #fuckyoucancer #cancergotlost #diaryofevents #myperspective #loss #grief #pain #mybeautifulaunt #cancerresearch #writing #reflectivewriting #copingmechanisms #family

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