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whumpering-heights · 3 years

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Villain and Sidekick (2)

A/N: this part is set somewhere between the end of part two and the end of part 3. It’s pretty short, but I really like writing Sidekick being a very, very reluctant caretaker.

Masterlist

Sidekick had gone down the stairs three times already, but always changed his mind right before the door. He was wasting time. Hero wouldn’t stay gone forever, and if he ever wanted to see Villain, it had to be now. He had already stalled so long, the apple he had sliced was turning brown-ish. Sidekick thought Villain must be pretty hungry. Maybe, if he offered him food, he would tell him the truth. The real truth, where he was the one who killed his parents. Maybe then, Sidekick could sleep again. He descended the stairs another time, walked through the hall and stopped before the door. Why was he so scared? Villain wasn’t a danger anymore. Hero would never know about this. So his hands had no reason to shake like that. He was just being a stupid coward. He could almost hear Hero scolding him, telling him to ‘be a man and grow a pair.’ One deep breath, and he opened the door before he could change his mind. His eyes widened. There he was. Villain, strapped to his chair in the middle of the room, his arm connected to an IV drip. He looked awful.

He was wearing a blindfold, so he couldn’t see him. Sidekick could hear the static noise from the headphones all the way by the door, so he couldn’t hear him either. Sidekick stared in horror at his willowy arms. He thought, if he grabbed his arm, his fingers would have touched. His skin seemed vaccum-sucked to his bones, what little muscle he had before nearly all wasting away.

He was crying. It was barely audible, pitchy shaky breaths and his shaking shoulders the only giveaway. Sidekick opened the door more and stepped into the room. Maybe Villain felt the draft, or maybe he just sensed there was someone there. Whatever the case, he stopped, choking on his sobs.

“Wh-who..? Hero? Hero, did you come back?” He looked around as though he could see beyond the blindfold. Sidekick had the weird impulse to hide. Villain leaned forward, as much as his restraints would allow. He spoke frantically, barely stopping to take a breath.

“L-look, I’ll try again, okay? I can try, I’ll make it believable this time, I’ll- Please, Sir, let me try, because I mean it!” He stopped. When he spoke again, it was softly. It sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “Hero? Sir? Can, can you please touch me if you’re there? Slap me or something, I-I feel like I’m-I’m losing my mind.” Sidekick didn’t want to see this. It made him uncomfortable, like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Villain slumped back in the chair and didn’t speak again. He probably thought he’d imagined there was someone there. Sidekick realised he was still holding the apple. His gaze drifted to the IV drip. Hero never brought any food down when he went to the basement, did he? How long must it have been since Villain had anything solid? A small hiccup caught his ear. The man had started crying again. That did it. He walked toward the man and lightly touched his shoulder. Villain jerked up.

“Hero? Can I try again?” Sidekick should have removed the blindfold. But he somehow felt as though, making Villain see him would make it too real. He would talk to him, probably ask him things, and he didn’t want that. No, best to just leave him in the dark. He grabbed a slice of apple and held it to Villains lips. He flinched away.

“Wh-what’s that? What was that?” Sidekick didn’t know how to tell him without revealing himself, so he just left the apple hovering under Villain’s nose. He sniffed.

“Is that... Fruit?” He leaned forward, brushing the slice with his lip.

“Apple? Is that... Can I?” Sidekick just held it there. Villain slowly opened his mouth and took a bite. He didn’t chew at first, holding it in his mouth, waiting for... approval, he guessed? Sidekick felt sick. After what felt like an eternity, Villain started chewing and ate the apple.

“Th-thank you, Sir.” He whispered. “Please, can I have-” Sidekick already shoved the next slice in his face. He really wished he would stop sounding so pathetic. A grown man wasn’t supposed to talk like that. At least he shut up when he ate. Sidekick tried to cut off any thanks as quickly as possible by continuing to give the apple slices. After a while, his bowl was empty.

“Thank you, thank you Sir.” God, was he crying? He was. He was crying over being given some brown pieces of apple. “C-could I have some more, please?” Sidekick hesitated for a moment. He didn’t want the man thinking Hero was upset at him and becoming more pathetic, but he also didn’t want Hero to notice fruit had gone missing. After pausing for a moment, he held out his hand and petted Villains hair. It was unwashed and tangled. He petted him like one would a horse.

“It, uhm. It’s okay.” He said, even though he knew Villain couldn’t hear him. “Er, there, there?” Villain flinched away from the gesture at first, but then calmed down. It seemed like he understood.

“Okay. Thank you, Hero, Sir. C-can my blindfold come off now, please?” Sidekick pulled back his hand, wiped it off his shirt, and made for the exit. He tried to get out as quickly as possible, before Villain realised he was alone again and would get all sad. He felt gross. He felt like he had done something wrong. Well, he had, but it wasn’t going against Hero’s orders that felt wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on what did. At night, he felt antsy and anxious. As he twisted and turned in bed, he groaned. Looked like his sleep wasn’t going to improve anytime soon.

#whump #whump writing #villain whump #hero and villain #reluctant caretaker #torture #sensory deprivation #starvation #begging #drugs #my writing #my stuff #captivity #behind the masks

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aximili · 3 years

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drafted this from @dominocity ages ago and forgot abt it until i was procrastinating just now :0

check in tag game ✅

1. why did you choose your url?

went by axx for a very long time (incredibly this actually had nothing to do with aximili-esgarrouth-isthill even tho i did grow up loving animorphs. i had an OC who used the online handle axolotl.... something... i cant remember.... and i thought it sounded cool so i started using it. wow i had actually forgotten this info until just now! lore!) anyway someone on tumlr reminded me how much i loved animorphs and i wanted a new url at the time. someone just had it saved and wasnt using it so i was like fuck it, why not ask. politely messaged the blog and they were like oh ya i forgot abt this and freed it up

2. any side blogs? if you have them name and them and why you have them.

i have like 6 but i no longer use any of them & havent for years lmaoooo

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

i think its a decade this year. and ive never changed blogs once. im like a fungal infection here they cant get rid of me

4. do you have a queue tag?

i have never queued and i never will. you get my posts when you get em.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

a lot of my friends on deviantart (yes dear god) were becoming more active here and i started checking some humour blogs daily until i was eventually like why not just make an account

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Him. (from the cover of #8 the alien, the first ax pov book, which i found in a 2nd hand bookshop as a kid and was soooo excited bc i could normally only read animorphs at the library, they were never in shops. still a treasured possession.)

7. why did you choose your header?

it just really describes my emotional state at any given time

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

unfortunately i believe it's this, which is not even my original content nor even the OP's original content, as it turned out. but "online job application form" dnd joke is probably second

9. how many mutuals do you have?

who the got damn hell is keeping track of this?

10. how many followers do you have?

1439. its been around this number for like 2 years i really just stagnated at a certain point but idm

11. how many people do you follow?

968. to paraphrase lydia, i suppose i should follow 1 more. (im sure that at least half of those are inactive. i have been here for a decade.)

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

by no means. none of my posts are shit

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

uhhhhhhhh i probably open it and glance at activity/briefly glance at my dash llike 5 times a day? a lot less now that i use locked twitter for socialisation

14. did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? who won?

god no i am incredibly nonconfrontational. a couple times in my younger and more vulnerable years id post some stupid uninformed take and someone would rightfully disagree, and occasionally vice versa, but i honestly can't recall a "fight"

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

it's good to only follow adults the dashboard becomes a peaceful place

16. do you like tag games?

yes i like talking about myself 😊 but i never tag anyone bc im lazy oops.

17. do you like ask games?

i rarely do them bc i would usually not get any lmao, but they can be fun

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

alma my friend alma seems to get a lot of nonsense in their inbox even tho they only post abt yugioh. eliza was definitely my most famous mutual but she freed herself from this place to become a real author, godspeed. and logan really blew up with "your dad looks gnc af" most recently

i think i have some more well known mutuals (again. been here 10 years.) but i cant think of them rn lmao sorry if ur a famo and i excluded u.

generally people think i have a lot more followers than i actually have? it's hard to gauge whether that's a compliment or not, but i take it as one.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

i have crushes on like everyone i meet it's called being bisexual </3

20. tags?

i tag...... YOU yes you. if u want!

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ohblackdiamond · 4 years

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liner notes/unused joke summaries for kiss fics (part iv)

Despite what my general dislike of the shift key and my tendency to mock all that I love might imply, I actually overthink everything I write to a great extent. I make no claims to these explanations being in any way enjoyable, but if you wanted to know what I was thinking while writing KISS fic… now you do. Part one can be found here. Part two is here. Part three is here.

little t&a --If Paul had boobs, they would be big and Gene would want to grab them.

>>Title from a Rolling Stones song of the same name; most of the chapter titles are from another Stones song, “The Spider and the Fly.” I started it during quarantine as a means to occupy myself and destress, and didn’t initially plan on posting it at all. Once I’d written five chapters without having posted it or mentioned it to anyone, I figured, well, I guess this might as well go somewhere, so I put it up. I had the hope that it’d give me something to strive for during the stress of lockdown, and I’d assumed that I wouldn’t ever have that much time to devote to a story again.

There were a couple of things that really inspired me. I’ve always enjoyed sexswaps as a bit of a guilty pleasure, but wanted to do a different take on them-- there’s this tendency for sexswaps to either be wacky hijinks or an excuse to write particularly brutal noncon. There’s also a tendency for the sexswapped character to almost automatically start adopting stereotypically feminine traits he didn’t have prior, with no real reason for it. I wanted to try and avoid all that as much as possible.

... There’s also another tendency for the sexswapped character never getting back to normal, and I wanted to avoid that, too. I mean, c’mon, KISS is supposed to start the Love Gun tour a month after the fic. Paul can’t exactly pull the trigger of a love taco. (Maybe gently brush it a bit...)

I had Paul already cursed for five days at the start of the fic because I thought it would make things easier and allow the plot to advance more quickly. I also felt like it would give him more autonomy-- prior to Gene showing up, he has tried (albeit in small ways) to get a handle on what’s happened to him, and while he’s hermited it up, he hasn’t given up. Autonomy in general was pretty important for me re: Paul. (Incidentally, probably one of my favorite things about this fic is that Paul’s made that poor twelve-year-old kid on his bike buy him sanitary napkins.)

I wanted to explore a couple of other things, too, mostly rock and roll’s (and KISS’ in particular) pretty heinous treatment of women. Gene and Paul argue in the eighties that groupies know the score from the beginning, and even postulates that those relationships are more “honest” than just taking a girl out to dinner. They’re not alone in this (and, of course, as married men, these days they try not to discuss those times at all); almost every band/artist from around that time period will give you the same answer. “The girls know what they’re doing.” I think many of them did know. I also think many of them came into those hotel rooms expecting a lot more than they ever received, and I think plenty of girls ended up at the very least disappointed by their encounters, if not humiliated or worse.

I don’t know if this was successful, but I also wanted to at least try to poke a few holes in celebrity/idol worship as well. Carol’s scathing comments to Paul-- “they [fans] think there’s something you’ve got that they can get at, but there’s not” pretty heavily exemplify behavior I’ve seen at conventions, fan meet-ups, etc. At the end of the day, well, there’s no point in putting them on much of a pedestal. I dunno. I’ve seen some weird crap in the name of fan worship, in and outside of RPS. Keith Richards talks about it in his book-- girls urinating on themselves out of sheer nerves/excitement just at seeing the band, etc., which, while disturbing, had to have given them a sense of being something beyond ordinary (and act accordingly, of course).

I don’t know. I like them a lot, but I can’t hero-worship these guys; they don’t live in the real world. They’re not, ultimately, relatable or accessible despite the billions of photos, the twitter posts, the meet and greets-- any more than they were 40-odd years ago. I think there can be a real danger in thinking they are. I wanted to show that, too, but again, I don’t know if it came across properly.

One of the aspects I really struggled with was getting a good handle on Paul’s innately slippery sense of identity without it overtaking the story entirely. Gene’s very stable identity was a good foil, and it helped that most of “t&a” is from his point of view, rather than Paul’s.

Another place I faltered with was Paul’s outing alone at CBGB. The first draft had the guy in the club slip quaaludes into his drink, but I really didn’t like that at all and felt it took too much control away from Paul/punished him for going out on his own. I thought it’d be more interesting if Paul deliberately took what he knew was a dangerous combination (alcohol + quaaludes) in the hopes that would make him feel better about sleeping with someone he didn’t care about.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, having him do that (and the way the scene with the guy at the club ends) also meant that I couldn’t have him hop right into bed with Gene that night, either, so that accounts for some of the delaying. I was also really wanting to make sure in general that when Gene and Paul finally did go all the way, there wasn’t any feeling of being coerced or pressured. Not that Gene would do either of those things, but I didn’t want him or Paul to be doing it out of any feeling of obligation or hurry; I wanted it to be as natural as possible, under the circumstances. And I wanted, again, Paul’s dubious sense of self and Gene’s ambiguous feelings about Paul(’s boobs) to come into play-- yes, Paul, now you, too, can take Gene on the amazing technicolor dreamdate you’ve been fantasizing about for the last seven years! Or, you know, not. Overall, there are some pacing issues and the story slows down considerably after Gene takes Paul home from CBGB, but I like to hope that most of the scenes add something.

There were a couple of secondary plotlines that got scrapped because I couldn’t get them to fit well enough with the narrative. One of them was Paul’s very troubled relationship with his sister, Julia. There’s a fair amount of references to her scattered throughout, and Paul brings her up on several occasions, generally without much provocation, and generally at mildly odd moments (at Central Park and immediately after getting drawn by Gene being the standouts). There was an initial draft of the chapter in which Ace calls Paul, where Julia’s the one calling Paul instead (after having gotten his number from their parents). I wanted to at least get the start of a reconciliation going between them. Ultimately I scrapped it because I couldn’t get it to flow with the main plot and never felt like I’d ever explored it thoroughly enough for it to be worth a detour.

The comparison between Paul and Carol is pretty blatantly obvious, even in the narrative. Paul and Gene both recognize it (Gene, initially, when he notes that Carol doesn’t seem to belong at 54 any more than Paul does), and it makes them highly uncomfortable. (Mary-Anne, Carol’s friend, also notices it-- “she [Paul] reminds me of Carol. Just pitiful.”) They’re both very shy, insecure people that have thrust themselves into a world they’re not naturally suited for (show business) in order to achieve their own ends. They’ve both put great stock in a single person who helped them (inadvertently or not) during a dark time, and are driven by those feelings, despite knowing that person is out of reach.

Physically, they’re intentionally mostly opposite (Carol’s short, with a slight build, lighter hair, blue eyes, vs. Paul being, well, Paul-- tall, fuller build, black hair, brown eyes). But narratively speaking, neither of them are described as beautiful; “cute” and “kind of pretty,” sure, but nothing past that (except when Gene says it towards the end). That was important, too, for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to further the comparison between them; two, I wanted to at least try and dispel the idea that all groupies were glamorous; many of them were rather ordinary-looking.

Paul not being “playboy material as a girl” was very deliberate. I feel like a lot of sexswaps tend to make the guy in question end up a ridiculously hot babe, which didn’t quite jive with what I was going for (not that I wanted Paul to end up awful-looking, but...). ... He’s probably hotter than he thinks he is though; at least, Gene didn’t mind at all, and Pete thought he was pretty. I wanted him to be recognizable if one knew where to look (face, body language). I didn’t want him to end up a tiny, frail-looking waif-- given what he looks like as a dude, that didn’t make sense to me. So this meant the less perfect attributes had to stay and carry over to a female body. He ended up with big boobs because... well, honestly because if he wasn’t going to end up with a great figure overall, he might as well have great boobs. And I mean, really, his chest’s already pretty all right as-is.

I didn’t want there to be a love triangle, but I did want it obvious, at least in an offhand way, that Peter and Paul had had sex (Ace mentions it in the car with Peter, with his “how long did it take you”). I wanted to incorporate Ace and Peter to as great an extent as possible in general.

Marbas is an actual demon from The Lesser Key of Solomon, although other than the few sentences Paul reads off from that grimoire, there’s not much more information on him to be found.

#kiss fanfiction #liner notes #gene simmons x paul stanley

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nicolewrites · 4 years

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We Stand, Fate-Tested: Final Thoughts

You thought you’d seen the last of that title? Never! I may have been distracted by Sylvgrid Week for a while, but I finally got this cleaned up enough to post.

So, to those of you who haven’t read We Stand, Fate-Tested, this post is going to spoil practically the entire fic, so do yourself a favour and read the fic HERE. This post is also very, very long, so I apologize if you read the whole thing aha.

Anyways, continuing on, I wrote over 70 000 words for this story and this was after two solid weeks of story editing to get the fic not to come across as incredibly clunky. I want to use this post to discuss my favourite and least favourite things about writing the story and to talk about some of the things I had planned that never made it into the final draft or things that were changed to fit the flow of the story better.

Let’s start with my favourite and least favourite things!

Favourite Chapter: VII - What’s A Little Fear (I loved this chapter. It was a blast to write, creating the duality of the attacks as well as finally tapping into the mystery genre I stubbornly tagged this fic with. It’s also one of my favourites to reread). Favourite Present Scene: Either Byleth/Claude in the coffeeshop (Chapter III), the car crash scene (Chapter VII) or the Byleth/Claude scene in the bathroom (Chapter VIII) Favourite Past Scene: Either Byleth/Dimitri’s first reunion (Chapter II), the Sreng fight scene (Chapter IX), or Dimitri’s death scene (Chapter X) Favourite Character to write: Past!Dimitri, Present!Edelgard, Present!Claude (probably no surprises there haha) Favourite Plot Detail: Byleth having a flashback in the tomb and then going to the lab and having that scene play out later, in Chapter XI, in the past.

Least Favourite Chapter: XI - No Rest For the Weary (Don’t get me wrong, I like how it turned out. I just had so many things that were scrapped for this part and something about it still doesn’t sit with me as well as I wanted it to. It was hard to write a past section without the anchor for the past: Dimitri) Least Favourite Present Scene: Probably the lab scene with Byleth (Chapter I) where she looks up Claude because it was written so early and it still feels a bit info-dump-esque to me. Least Favourite Past Scene: Hands down Byleth’s final scene (Chapter XI). I do feel like it came out alright, but I really struggled with this scene. It was tricky to highlight everything I needed to in that scene without removing all the development Byleth had gone through. Least Favourite Character to write: Many of the undergraduates in the present. It’s not that I didn’t like them, I was just frustrated because the future was focused so heavily on a few key characters that none of the background characters had the voices I wanted to give them. Least Favourite Plot Detail: The Scorch and the Riots. I specifically crafted them so that there would be a plausible excuse for the physical records to have been destroyed and yet I feel like I relied too much on them in some cases.

Now let me talk about plot details that almost appeared!

Starting with some general facts:

The Golden Deer were supposed to be MUCH bigger characters in the present. I had programs, relationships, interactions and plot points hinged on their interactions with Byleth and Claude, but I ended up scrapping a lot of it when I moved forward with the undergrad dig team plot and decided to bring in Edelgard and Dimitri more.

They were supposed to go to Shambhala. Instead of at Garreg Mach, the final attack was actually supposed to take place while at a dig site in Shambhala. After research into archaeology more as a whole, I realized this didn’t fit, so I removed it.

I considered having Jeralt be alive in the present.

I was going to write more dreams for Byleth and actually have them as independent scenes.

Byleth was supposed to make two separate trips to Almyra in the past.

The fic was originally only 10 chapters and would have ended abruptly in the past.

Rhea was supposed to make an appearance in the present.

Chapter Specifics:

Chapter I

Ironically, the only real trick with this is I considered renaming the university, but ended up leaving it.

This chapter was actually mostly written before much of the plot was hammered out so it can read a tiny bit inconsistently to me now, but there’s not much I left out of it.

Chapter II

Initially, I had all three of the reincarnated lords in Byleth’s tutorial, but then I remember that that never happens in university courses so I fixed it. I hadn’t planned on introducing the Guardian’s Sword here, but I did accidentally and then just rolled with it.

Byleth and Dimitri’s Chapter IV argument was originally in this chapter. They were also originally married in between Chapters I and II, something which changed to between III and IV once I changed this chapter.

Chapter III

Dimitri was supposed to tell Byleth that he was having odd dreams before he found out about the dig project in the present. This chapter also would have had a vivid dream scene before Claude and Byleth’s tea conversation lasted 3000 words.

Claude was supposed to be a cause of strife in Byleth and Dimitri’s relationship in the past, but then I decided that was stupid and changed him to play the voice of reason. Additionally, this chapter changed a lot as a result of the moving of the wedding.

Chapter IV

This chapter was, again, supposed to feature a Byleth-brand dream, but I changed it to the scene in her office with Claude to set up the Almyra trip. This was the moment in the story where I had decided to make Claude the Almyran Prince. Before this, he was just an ambassador’s son.

Claude in the past was supposed to give a wedding gift to Byleth and Dimitri, but this was changed when I had him attend the wedding. Byleth and Dimitri were supposed to argue about Byleth and Claude’s friendship, but as I already said, I didn’t want Claude to be a source of jealousy.

Chapter V

This chapter actually stuck fairly close to the points of the outline I made. The only point I struggled with was having the tapestries be mostly ruined or preserved and I eventually landed on preserved.

The council meeting was an addendum to the chapter written after the heavier scene at the end. I added it to give a bit more background to Byleth being in Fhirdiad and the way that her relationship with Seteth and their friends would become a bit more strained in the future.

Chapter VI

This chapter was supposed to highlight the argument alluded to in the chapter between Dimitri, Edelgard, and Claude. There was supposed to be a little bit about how the tomb seemed to be dragging up animosity that didn’t previously exist. I removed it because I wanted more space to discuss the dream and the scene with the TV.

The past section was supposed to feature more political drama. There was supposed to be a cabinet meeting that showed the progress of divorcing church and state and siphoning the power away from the nobility, but I came up with the idea for the Rhea scene which I ended up liking a lot more, so I rewrote the chapter, almost completely removing the politics.

Chapter VII

This chapter actually almost exactly follows its outline. The four go to Fhirdiad and deal with their pursuers and end in a car crash.

The only change in the past was that it originally ended with the infirmary scene from chapter 8, but I changed it to create a stronger parallel between the past and the present by ending both on relative cliffhangers.

Chapter VIII

The present section of this chapter was actually one of the first scenes I ever outlined for this fic. Naturally, there wasn’t much that was left out. I scrapped a few interactions with people including Dorothea, Sylvain, and Mercedes in order to give Byleth and Claude more time to chat in the bathroom. Basically, the point of the party was to really highlight the fact that while reincarnation had occurred, everyone had ended up in different situations with different people.

Originally, Byleth was supposed to have recovered well from the assassination attempt and it was supposed to be Dimitri who took longer to heal. Because I was already leaning into the dying-goddess idea though, I swapped them to make it more impactful when Byleth still tries to go against all of her advisors to get Claude to take her to the Slithers.

Chapter IX

Byleth, here, was only supposed to begin to suspect Flayn. I considered having her not even speak to Seteth and Flayn, but I changed that because I think I wanted her to know at this point. However, it was only when I began writing the chapter that I realized that Seteth would know the Archbishop’s full name, so that tidbit was actually the very last thing added to this chapter.

I wrote the past section of this chapter first. It was fairly cut and copy from the outline so not much was left out here, just one small scene where Byleth and Dimitri saw Claude off when they were still mad at each other and they would have been awkward.

Chapter X

Originally, Leonie was going to be the one to find Claude and Byleth in the alley, but I liked Edelgard and Hubert for it better. This is where Rhea would have appeared in the Modern section. She would have come looking for Seteth before the send-off party started and would have had a crypt conversation with Byleth, but instead, I changed her simply to be the mysterious benefactor that funded the original expedition and removed her physical appearance for flow purposes.

The only big change seen in the past section here, was that Claude and Byleth were supposed to bring Dimitri outside of Shambhala before he died and he would have died seeing the rising or setting sun. When I wrote the cave-in this was changed to match that.

Chapter XI

Since Byleth was originally supposed to have had a different conversation with Seteth in chapter 9, when the four of them were running for the gunman, they would have revealed their ancestry and connections to the past lords which would have been the point that Byleth actually connected all the dots.

Byleth and Claude were supposed to be en route to Almyra after dissolving the monarchy when she started to die, causing him to take her back. I changed this because it didn’t fit with the futility of so many of the actions that Byleth had taken after Dimitri’s passing. I also just really wanted her to have the ‘I never intended to return to the Monastery’ and the ‘I hadn’t planned on living this long’ lines.

Chapter XII

Claude was supposed to be with Dimitri and Edelgard when they said goodbye. There was supposed to be strange tension between them, but it didn’t fit with their interactions inside the tomb, so I just sent him back to Almyra to coordinate his abdication instead. Originally, there would have been a shootout in the tomb as well, resulting in Byleth actually killing the gunman, but instead I used their escape to give Seteth and Flayn a reason to disappear. This is one of the points I was most tentative about changing and is one of my least favourite things that I changed in the whole story.

The past section was originally just supposed to have been Claude admiring his commissioned tapestries, but I couldn’t resist adding a Hilda in because I love her.

That’s pretty much it for all the plot details and changes. And that’s pretty much everything I have to say about the story. This fic was a labour of absolute love and it has given me an incredible appreciation for the writers in fandoms who can continue stories into the tens of chapters because I found my plot tied up in a neat little bow at 12 chapters.

If you have any more questions, please shoot them to me on Tumblr, in the AO3 comments, or even on Twitter (@nicolewrites37) and I’ll be happy to answer them.

Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented, and left kudos on the fic because knowing that there were people waiting to see more was the reason I was able to continue writing and finish the fic. I hope you enjoyed the story overall and that you might find something else you like amidst my other Three Houses works.

- Nicole

#the writing section #we stand fate tested #fic: we stand fate-tested #fe3h #fire emblem three houses #author's thoughts #claudeleth #dimileth #tumblr #ao3 #long fic

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idk-my-aesthetic · 5 years

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“Heroes” of our story- family day rewrite

aka the mostly edited d1 fic that's been sitting in my drafts for way too long where mal yells at the “heroes” of auradon

****TW for implied/referenced child abuse and really really brief mention/reference to s*xual ass*ult

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

“Because of your mother my daughter was raised by fairies. Her first words, first steps, I missed it all.” Queen Leah gasped out, barely holding herself together. The Isle part of Mal laughed, she wouldn't have lasted an hour back home. But, Auradon had softened her, so she moved in closer, going to comfort the old woman.

“I’m so sor-”

Suddenly, Chad was there, blocking her from the woman and pushing her back. “Stay away from her!” He said, angry, like Mal was going to hurt some defenseless old woman.

She scowled at him, opening her mouth to defend herself, but before she could say anything Ben jumped forward, putting himself between her and the other boy.

“Don’t do this Chad.” Ben pleaded, acting as a wall between the larger boy and the VKs. Mal felt adrenaline spike in her veins, clenching her fists as she took in the situation around her. People from all across the lawn had stopped to gather and watch, and the other three, her crew, moved in behind her, ready to fight. We were supposed to be safe here. Why can’t we just be safe?

Chad scoffed at Ben, like what he asked was so ridiculous. “They were raised by their parents, Ben. What do you think villains teach their kids? Huh? Kindness? Fair play? No way, okay?”

Mal’s ears began to ring. Her instincts screamed out to her.

Take him down before he takes you down.

Run or fight run or fight do something before someone gets hurt.

Do whatever you need to, (maim, stab, kill, hurt) to survive.

But louder than the rest they called out to protect them.

Chad was a threat. They were surrounded by threats, backed into a corner by sheer numbers. She needed to do something, gain some sort of power, some sort of leverage, some sort of escape.

So, she laughed. Loud and calculated and cold and evil. And all the hero’s gazes turn to her, fear in their eyes.

(Though they don’t see the fear in her eyes. Or hear the fear in her laugh, see the fear in the way she held herself, fear in the knives she carried, fear that oozed out of her in a noxious cloud that they were only blind to by choice. Fear that rolled of Jay and Evie and Carlos and every other child on that godforsaken island, visible no matter how hard they tried to keep it in.)

The crowd stared at her, silenced by her outburst. Some glared with full hostility, some shrank away in fear. Ben turned to her, worried confusion broadcasted on his face.

She stepped forward, smiling, pushing him to the side. Not quite behind her, but out of the line of fire. Safe. Like the other three were, as long as she kept attention on herself. Like they would be if she could give them an opportunity to escape.

A gasp rang out at her movement, as if she’d hit him, not given a light push. She ignored it, everything put into her instinct to defend, zeroing in on the boy in front of her.

“You’re right, villains don’t teach love and kindness. They teach cruelty and hatred and revenge.“ She leaned in close, her smile manic. This wasn’t the Mal that came out in Aradon, the closest to the real her. It was the one that would face off against someone on the Isle, the almost feral version ready to do anything to survive and protect those she loved.

She tilted her head, eyes locked with Chad’s as the boy glared back. “And let me tell you, they are very hands on teachers.”

“What are you talking about?” Chad practically snarled at her, moving into her space. She smiled, a giggle passing her lips, mocking him.

“Everyone says you’re not the clearest glass slipper in the shoebox, but I always thought you were at least a bit smarter than that. Smart enough to try and manipulate Evie into doing your homework, but ya know, you’re a good guy, so cheating and manipulation is fine.” She laughed again as he jerked forward, held back by Audrey’s hand grabbing his arm. The girl gave Mal a wide eyed look over Chad’s shoulder, confusion broadcasted on her face. Mal couldn't meet her eyes.

“Well, since I guess I have to spell it out for you.” She taunted, voice too light, smile too wide, eyes too green. “Please tell me what you think happens when you put hundreds of angry bitter people who hurt others for fun on an island together, and then trap them there with no clean water, no fresh food, and only the literal trash from the people who stuck them there to sustain themselves. Do you think they’d be a little bit angry?”

“You can’t act like they didn’t deserve it-” A voice called out. Mal met their eyes, her gaze boring into thier’s, silencing them. She noticed idly that she was staring down was the Sultana of Agrabah, a special hatred in her heart for the woman. Jasmine opened her mouth to talk again, but Mal cut her off. She kept the queen’s gaze as she continued, still smiling.

“How do you think these people will get out their anger, hmm? Do you think they’ll suddenly take up coloring, or do you think they'll keep hurting people because it's all they’ve ever done? And who do you think they're going to hurt, exactly? The heroes are all gone, yes? And, well, they can try to attack the other villains, but that won’t work out all that well, since the other villains are grown adults just as violent and powerful as they are.” Jasmine’s face began to go slack, transitioning from anger to horrified understanding. Mal couldn't help the malicious spike of pleasure at her discomfort.

“So who are they going to hurt? There's no one weak enough, besides maybe some minions and others who didn’t really deserve to be on the isle, but there's not enough to go around, so the villains mostly stew in their anger and let it build up.” She shrugged, the forced grin growing on her face.

“Then, all of a sudden, there’s children running around!” Mal swept her gaze around, seeing more and more people are starting to understand, eyes going wide and faces falling. “Since, you know, the only medical shipments are held under a monopoly by Judge Claude Frollo's gang, and contraceptives are rarely sent anyway as they are seen as a ‘luxury’.” Even Chad had backed down at this point, staring at her in slack jawed horror. But she wasn't saying this to just him anymore, she was now speaking to everyone, every privileged prince and princess who left children to die.

“So, there’s kids running around, practically defenseless little creatures, as pure and innocent as the ones here despite our evil blood. And hey, free fucking target practice.” She finally let her false smile fall, settling into a defiant sneer. A quiet gasp ran through the crowd, horror at conformation of what she’d obviously been implying.

“If it’s your kid or just some rando on the street who was too stupid to walk around without a knife, then bam! Free punching bag. Or, ya know, perfect way to get rid of your other urges if your disgusting enough, which plenty of the adults on the Isle are.” She scowled, looking around at the crowd of ‘heros’ with cold eyes. They seemed shocked, horrified, some crying. A few look back at her with anger, likely in disbelief or offense at her ‘rudeness’. She made sure to hold those people's gaze a moment longer than others, forcing them to back down first.

At last, Mal zeros in on Audry’s grandmother's face, seeing the old woman pale and open mouthed with horror.

“So, I’m sorry if my mother's actions caused you pain. But I have no sympathy for any of you. Because missing your child’s first steps, or not seeing your mother for 16 years, god I wish my childhood was that easy. And I can tell you about a pretty good amount of other kids who agree with me.” She spun on her heel, using the unrest of the crowd, the power she now had over them, to escape. The others followed close behind her, harsh looks given as they left.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

a/n: not my best writing but ive wanted to post this for a little while lol.... i usually post on my ao3 but i may or may not use this as a scene in my d1 rewrite that's gonna be part of my keep them close series so i didn’t wanna post it there....

ty for reading please comment and rb!! please im desperate for validation and comments make me post more.... also check out my other descendants stuff maybe? please? i currently have a jay centric fic about his magic in the works, and a few things that i think are pretty ok posted lol......

#descendants #mal descendants #mal daughter of maleficent #jay descendants #jay son of jafar #evie daughter of the evil queen #evie descendants #carlos de vil #carlos descendants #ben descendants #ben son of belle and beast #mal x carlos x jay x evie #mal x carlos x jay x evie x ben #core four #core 4 #core five #core 5

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fmdtaeyongarchive · 4 years

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↬ my reality is a cruel fall without you.

date: august 2020.

location: ash’s living room / ash’s therapist’s office / ash’s apartment studio.

word count: 1,822 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: -

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification.

ash has been through this exact writing process three times prior and he’s picked up some tricks. defining the seasons in the context of love had become easier for him as he finished their respective songs one by one.

winter had been the cold of the world driving two people together.

spring had been the honeymoon phase.

summer had been the oppressive weight of a long-term relationship taking its toll.

now, it’s time for him to write fall.

ii.

it’s been a year.

ash can’t remember anything in his life ever feeling quite as heavy as that promise ring had the night he’d slipped it off the chain around his neck and passed it out of his grasp for the last time, a mere six months after he’d put it on his finger and thought he’d had everything figured out.

“i love you so much, but we both know this isn’t working.”

(i love you, but not in the way i thought i’d been looking for my whole life any more.)

if he’d looked at himself from the outside, he would have felt silly for feeling his entire core splitting in half as the silver ring clattered onto the table, his resolve too weak to thrust it directly into the other man’s hand, but there’d always been the unspoken understanding that the ring was more than a silly promise.

a public declaration of forever in a relationship as an active idol is, by most accounts, socially impossible. making that forever official in the form of government documents as a same-sex couple in south korea is, by all accounts, legally impossible.

forever had been a big thought to a barely twenty-three year-old, and it’d only grown more massive the longer it hung over ash’s head blissfully unacknowledged for the sake of his own happiness, for the sake of the idea of finally getting his own happy ending. he’d get there one day. then, it wouldn’t feel so all-encompassing, so terrifying, but months had passed and he’d felt like he was only getting farther away from that one day.

it hadn’t gone unnoticed to ash that, without fail, he’d been the one to deflect from the topic of forever when talk between them became too real. with time, it started to weigh him down. one day, he looked up and found he wasn’t on that cloud high above everything anymore.

he was in a different world and he couldn’t see a way he’d ever be able to climb back up to be on even ground.

so, it had ended at ash’s hand.

ash had once heard a person needs half the time they were in a relationship to get over it, so looking at the calendar and seeing august come around once again, that hill should officially be behind him now.

so why does he still think about it with sorrow at times like these?

how are you? how are you doing without me?

he has no intentions of writing a song about him for his fall single at first. he only wants to distract himself on the anniversary of the last ending he’d faced. the last one he’d ever face if he’d learned anything worthwhile.

but when does he ever learn?

his piano is an old friend at times like these. if the wood had any consciousness within it beyond what he projects into it in his most desperate times of need, it would surely judge him for how he goes back to it like clockwork in his times of emotional distress, but the rest of the world will judge him less for it than it will for turning to the bottles in his kitchen or the exes in his phone.

there’s a pattern to it now. sit down, straighten his back (the weight of the world on his shoulders is no excuse for poor playing posture), rest his phone on the bench next to him with an application recording every note he plays, and lay a blank notebook of music staves next to it in case he decides to be formal about anything workable that comes out of his idling.

nothing noteworthy comes to him at first, but the more he plays, the more fresh ideas begin swirling in a twister in his mind against his initial intentions of merely distracting himself. he messes around with chords, keys, arpeggios. he’s been forcing it a lot lately, and it hasn’t turned out in his favor. letting it slowly seep its way out of his pores might be the better course of action now instead.

his mind is frantic but the music is slow and inspiration piles up inside of him until he decides to sit and think through a chord progression, then a top line melody, then he fleshes it out. the first step in the process is never perfect, but he isn’t stumped with where to go with it yet, and that’s a good sign. more and more, he’s felt defeated with his songwriting after idea after idea gets rejected by the only people whose opinions really matter if he ever wants his songs to make it out in the world. he could think a song is the best piece he’s ever crafted, but if it doesn’t appease the bc entertainment gods, it will never see the light of day.

he tries not to think about that while he works on this song. that’s the roadblock he’s run into too many times before trying to pluck out something he can be proud of on the strings of a guitar or on the black and white keys of a piano.

the end product is something jazzy but moody, laden with his unspoken emotions but in a way that lends itself to simplicity, but he ponders for days the right way to put words to it.

he can feel what he wants the lyrics to say. it’s when he attempts to put them into words with a rhyme scheme and an appropriate meter that he struggles. ash has become a master at packaging his emotions into a pretty song with structure and a story, but this time, it’s evading him. the feeling is emptiness, but it’s also missing something he doesn’t really want back. it’s wanting something he can’t have now and wanting to tear himself apart for wanting it. it’s looking down the dark path to his future and seeing only less and less light as it stretches out in front of him. it’s fear of the inevitable pitch black darkness at the very end of the path and how quickly it’s approaching.

iii.

it’s after his second therapy session with his new therapist that something occurs to ash that stays with him beyond the time he’d paid for.

it’s not something he brings up during the session itself, or says out loud to anyone. ash doesn’t talk about his romantic life in detail with any therapist he’s ever had, even though he’s well-aware refusing to bring it up is ignoring a festering wound that needs attention if it’s ever going to heal. he’s heard too many horror stories about professionals that were supposed to know better discovering the money for the gossip being better than adherence to the oath of confidentiality they’d made for him to find comfort in disclosing the intricacies of his private life.

there’s a part of him he’s still holding back, but he only finds comfort in not opening up completely even to the person he’s paying to allow him to do just that without too much outward judgment.

opening himself fully or not, the lyrics to the song come easier to him after that. putting what he’s feeling into words is no easy task, but he’s made progress on it already. possibilities don’t come flooding out like a broken dam, but they do trickle down through his brain steadily enough for him not to lose hope. the slow drops only come when he pries them out, but they come nonetheless.

iv.

the mood of the song evolves in a way ash hadn’t anticipated at first. it becomes sadder in tone, more wistful. that had been a given from the moment the lyrics began to flesh out, but playing around in cubase ends with him deciding the song works its best as a simple piano composition, stripped bare like his emotions.

the piano remains prominent even as he adds more percussion and the main instrumental piano track gets jazzed up more than the initial draft recording had been. in a world where his music reflects solely his gut instinct, the song would be even more bare bones than it becomes. he imagines he would have taken a direction similar to “the unknown guest” on his last album, purposefully under-produced and made to sound like something that isn’t radio friendly, but it’s still simple enough to sound stripped-down to an untrained ear. the more he works on the song, the more he understands he does want it to be played on the radio. then, maybe, he’ll be able to tell himself the right person had heard it and convince himself of the closure he needs.

there’s a feeling in his chest as he listens to the final draft version, with layers of his vocals put down and a thoroughness that only comes with a song that has found its final form, that feels a little like he’s at the top of a mountain. he can’t put a name to it other than thinness of air. it’s not disappointment or regret, and as much as he decides he does really like how it turned out, it isn’t pride either.

the song is different than he would have thought it would be when he began it — after all, at some point visions of his ex-boyfriend had begun to mix with visions of the current flame he held — but different in a way that he hopes does service to the song instead of taking away from it.

at first, it’d been about his past relationship, a love that had been suffocated by his own choice.

now?

in a way, the song is about that relationship, but, in ways, it’s about the one that had come before that. and the one before that. and then, at the end, it becomes about the next one. the one he’s not supposed to have, but the one he’s confessed to yearning for in secret in the lyrics.

i want to fall in love.

unlike so many other songs he’s written, he’s not really begging for love to return to him or cursing himself for wanting such a thing. it’s about something else.

then it hits him: it’s not any of his relationships, long passed or current or future, that he’s holding on to. it’s a lament pried out of him by the lover he’s taken up in the time since, one entirely separate, but also entirely connected that creeps in the corner of every room he enters: loneliness.

#fmdverification #&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #&& queued

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itslaurenmae · 4 years

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@iowastubborn asked: “I am curious, what alongside CitWs has caught your interest and ignited your passions lately?”

Tylor, you are the best for sending me these asks. I'm sorry my inbox ate your ask and I accidentally deleted my draft and that it's taken me like, two weeks to respond to this.

The short answer is Shakespeare and other early 2010s-Whedon projects.

First things first: Shakespeare.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine about how I was missing dancing and performing. She told me about a Facebook group that a few people from different theater companies in Fresno had made - doing readings of all of Shakespeare’s plays on Zoom: one comedy (Monday nights), one tragedy (Wednesday nights), and one history (Friday nights) each week. I lurked for a few days before putting my name in to read the Chorus in Romeo and Juliet - I've always loved those opening monologues.

Backing up a bit - it had been years and years since I’d actually read anything by Shakespeare. I majored in English in college. I watched the first series of The Hollow Crown (with Ben Wishaw as Richard II, Jeremy Irons as King Henry IV and Tom Hiddleston as Prince Hal/Henry V) back in 2014 or 2015 - the first time I felt like I enjoyed watching any of the histories.

I've always loved Baz Luhrmann's 1996 Romeo + Juliet. You know the one, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. It's in my top 5 favorite movies of all time (the rest are - as of now - The Cabin in the Woods, Pride and Prejudice {2005}, Lars and the Real Girl, and Lord of the Rings {which I know is totally cheating, since that's a trilogy}).

I participated in that first reading of Romeo and Juliet and it just felt so good - to be reading Shakespeare again, to be listening to Shakespeare again, to be enjoying Shakespeare with other people again.

I had the pleasure of participating in two readings this past week - Troilus & Cressida and Henry V (which might be my new favorite history play). I also got to read Horatio in Hamlet, which was honestly a dream role. This week, I get to participate in Richard III, reading Queen Elizabeth.

As a supplement to these informal readings, I've been consuming a lot of Shakespeare-related media, which ties nicely into my second source of inspiration, early 2010s Whedon projects.

To be completely frank, since rewatching Cabin in the Woods, my latent crush on Fran Kranz has returned with full vengeance, so that's definitely informed a lot of the things I've been consuming. My copious stalking led me to discover he's currently in post-production on his directorial debut, a drama titled Mass, that will feature Jason Isaacs and Martha Plimpton.

I rewatched Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing, which is still my favorite comedy. It absolutely holds up on rewatch. Fran plays Claudio in that one - he also plays Bottom in a 2018 adaptation of A Midsummer Night's Dream that totally feels like the absolute fever dream that play really is - definitely worth a watch.

I've also rewatched/finished watching Dollhouse for the first time. I think I'd started that one back in 2014 or 2015, saw the first season, and then gotten distracted and never finished it/watched the Epitaphs or any of the second season.

It's not a perfect show, but it's so damn good and frankly, criminally underrated. Episode One of Season Two: Vows, features one of the best scenes I've ever seen on a television show. It's between Fran's character, Topher Brink, and Amy Acker's character - and it is Shakespeare-levels of poetic, so good and painful.

My HEART. I’m in agony and I’m not mad about it.

So, I've been consuming a lot of content. And! I've actually been creating stuff again, which feels so good.

I made a playlist.

I wrote a fic rec post.

May also make a podcast rec post, since I’ve been listening to a lot Shakespeare podcasts to supplement my participation in these readings.

I found a couple of Reylo one-shots I wrote back in 2018 and never posted, so I'm checking those for grammar today and will post them.

It's like my creativity goes underground for long periods, resurfaces occasionally, and then goes fallow again. I wish it was something I could rely on more, but I think I'm not able to because of the demands my life and life choices put daily on my time and my energy, but that's perhaps a post for another day.

It feels good to be in a consume/curate/create cycle right now, so for now, I suppose that’s enough.

Please feel free to keep dropping stuff into my inbox. It really is nice to be asked these kinds of things.

#answered #ask #iowastubborn #lauren writes #lauren talks #idk what tags i'm even using anymore #my writing #shakespeare #much ado about nothing #a midsummer night's dream #romeo + juliet #dollhouse #amy acker #fran kranz #joss whedon

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wonpilang · 5 years

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Names V

Genre: angst? fluff???

Pairing: Chanyeol x reader

Part I Part ii Part iii Part iv

Note: I KNOW ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I POSTED BUT I GOT SO BUSY WITH COLLEGE AND I GOT WRITERS BLOCK BUT IM BACK I SWEAR (this is not the best but its been in my drafts for so long and I decided its time)

Unedited.

You ran out of the building so fast Chanyeol was wheezing as you both stopped right outside of the parking lot. You were still crying but it felt good to finally say what you had to say to Jongdae. Chanyeol gripped your hand and smiled at you when you looked up at him.

“I’m proud of you, you know?” you smiled whipping your face and blushed. Chanyeol stared down at you with admiration almost and you could not believe how dumb you were to not notice how handsome and kind he was all this time.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry if I have been so confusing and hard to deal with but just know that I am glad to have you by my side.” you told him holding his hand tightly. Why does his lips look so kissable? you asked yourself. Before you could do or say anything Yura came outside with a trailing Jongdae behind.

“Yn, Chanyeol I am so sorry for Jongdae’s behavior” she exclaimed as she walked up to you two.

“Well it is not okay, look Jongdae how about you stop being an ass-” you cut Chanyeol off before he can say anything more.

“It’s okay Chanyeol, I don’t care anymore.”

“Huh?” Chanyeol looked at you surprised. Jongdae also looked at you wide eyed, you and Jongdae made eye contact and laughed.

“I love you Jongdae, just not in the way you think I do. You were my best friend, my brother. You and Yura is what I aspire to become with Chanyeol, my real soulmate.” You told him. You lift up your sleeve to reveal Chanyeol’s name replacing Jongdae’s. Yura squealed in happiness as you looked up to Chanyeol shyly.

“Yn..when did you?” Chanyeol gasped as he softly held your wrist in his hands tracing the name on your arm.

“I noticed it at the library earlier today when I went to the restroom, I was going to tell you but I just did not know how” you explained to him. Chanyeol looked like he was about to cry and held your hand tightly. You looked at Jongdae who had been silent the entire time. He opened his mouth to say something and just shook his head walking away from both you and Chanyeol.

“Jongdae wait- crap I have to go, congratulations you guys keep me updated!” Yura smiled as she ran after Jongdae. You laughed at her as she ran after your former best friend and couldn’t help but think how lucky Jongdae was to have found such a sweet soulmate.

“Yn?” you heard your name come out of Chanyeols mouth, you turned around humming a soft yes when you felt his lips touch yours. Your eyes widen in shock, this is the first time you and Chanyeol kissed and god did you love it. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he pulled you closer to him. You felt complete in this moment, you could feel your mark tinginly. He truly was your one and only soulmate. You felt sadden by the fact that Chanyeol knew you were his all along but kept it to himself because you were blindly pinning over someone who was supposed to be your soulmate, when it was just a mistake a glitch all along.

“Get a room!” you heard someone shout. You and Chanyeol pulled away laughing while you buried your head into his chest embarrassedly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night day you and Chanyeol made if official and you have never been so happy. The only thing that you were missing however was your former best friend Jongdae. He may not be your soulmate, but you did love him truly and you missed his goofiness. You both grew up together so it just felt so weird avoiding him and avoiding your families questions. It’s been three days since the hamburger incident and Jongdae is continuing to ignore you. You have come to terms that you and Jongdae would probably never be friends ever again and that hurt. The only thing that kept you happy was knowing that you had Chanyeol by your side. He made you strong and you were just so happy yo have him in your life. You were broken out of thought when you heard a knock from your door. Knowing that Chanyeol was currently at work and your parents on vacation you walked up to your door confused. You opened the door to a nervous Jongdae.

“Jongdae? Um can I help you?” you asked standing close to the door. He sigh and rubbed his neck.

“Can I come in? I want to talk to you” he told you serious. You folded your arms and shook your head.

“What ever you need to say could be said right here” you told him. He smiled soft at you and nodded his head.

“Yeah I probably deserve that attitude of yours, I have been a dick-”

“Yeah no shit” you cut him off.

“I came here to apologize Yn” He told you. You scoffed at him and rolled your eyes.

“No Yn I do truly apologize, fuck I never meant to be a complete dickhead okay I’m just so sorry I am the worse guy in the universe and I understand if you never want to speak to me again but I just need my best friend back” he cried sofly as he spoke to you. You looked at Jongdae in shock as tears fell down his face.

“Yn I did all those things because I did not want you to become attached to me when I had found my soulmate, I thought that the only way for you to move on and find someone better for you, a second soulmate was to make you hate me, despise me but all I did was hurt you and I am so sorry” he apologized as you wrinkled your face in confusion.

“Wait what do you mean a second soulmate?” you asked him.

“I- The day you told me you had my name I was so confused at first but I remember reading about this, when someone has the wrong name, a glitch like you did. This happens when one became too attached to a close friend or person in general and error will happen like in your case. The only way to break this error, to make things right was to detach that person from their lives and hopefully hope they found their true soulmate, which you did. But I did it the wrong way, I hurt you I made you hate me and I lost my best friend.” he told you as he cried. Your hands flew to your mouth in shock as tears also started to roll down your cheek. This whole time all Jongdae was doing was protecting you? This whole time Jongdae purposely made you hate him so you could find happiness? You cried softly and hugged Jongdae tighly.

“You idiot” was all you said.

#park chanyeol #kim jondgae #chen #chanyeol #exo soulmate au #names #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol angst #chanyeol au #jongdae scenario #jongdae angst #jongdae au #exo scenario #exo au #exo angst #this took forever but here it is

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ruinedthatfriendship · 5 years

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Start Again

A/N: Okayyyyy so I was talked into posting this, and yes I am aware it is the most trashy fanfiction trope I have ever written, and I was mildly disgusted when I found this in my drafts. 2014 me was a dumbass. This was also evidently supposed to have more chapters that were never completed. I’m actually not sorry about abandoning this one, though...

I’m sorry this exists?

It took too long. Everything just took too long. It took an ambulance too long to navigate traffic, too much time to get her out of the wrecked car. Too much time to clean up her battered face before anyone even recognized her, too long before she got a bed in the ER. Too long before one of the doctors finally realized what was really going on, shoving a couple residents out of the way with a burr hole kit.

By the time they got the pressure down in her brain, and sent her up to surgery, she’d already had one seizure from the bleeding inside her skull, and she’d crashed in the elevator, arriving to the surgical suite with a nurse still riding on the gurney doing CPR.

By the time anyone found her emergency contacts, she’d been in surgery for two hours, without any word. By the time they got to the lobby, the driver of the car that hit her had been pronounced dead.

Simon hadn’t even known she’d set his information as an emergency contact. And apparently, it wasn’t just him she hadn’t told. Like every other detail of that horrible day, he would never forget facing Dianna and Eddie in the waiting room and spreading his hands helplessly, letting them shout at him while the only thing he had to offer was that he didn’t even know. And they were wasting time splitting hairs, couldn’t they see that? It didn’t matter anymore who Demi had been spending her time with or if he was too much older or her boss or anything else, not when they didn’t know if she was going to wake up. They didn’t have time to argue in the lobby of the emergency department, he just wanted to be able to see her.

A nurse had been anxiously watching the face off, clearly trying to remain professional even though this was probably the most gossip-worthy day of her career. “Mr. Cowell, sir, uh, Miss Lovato does have an advance directive in place and--”

“She made it after she got out of treatment,” Dianna cut in tearfully. “She said it was just in case,”

The nurse gave her a polite nod to acknowledge her, and then turned back to Simon. “We need to speak with you--”

“No!” Dianna protested, squeezing her husband’s hand. “That’s my daughter, he doesn’t get a say, I’m her mother, you can say whatever you have to say in front of me.”

The nurse--her nametag read ‘Angelica’--looked at Simon, waiting. “Sir?”

“It’s fine,” he said heavily, hardly believing that any of this was real. “And it’s just Simon, please.”

Angelica nodded, glanced down briefly at the chart in her hands. “Miss Lovato named you as her medical proxy, which means that you have the power--”

“I know what a medical proxy is.” Simon interrupted, feeling shock numb his body while his heart rate increased. Demi, baby, what did you do? “It shouldn’t be me. Give it to her parents, I can’t--”

“We don’t have that power.” Angelica said apologetically. “It’s a legal document that Miss Lovato signed willingly. We can take you back to wait, she should be out of surgery soon.”

“I’m coming,” Dianna insisted. Angelica just nodded at her; she was immediate family too, they wouldn’t refuse her.

A tense elevator ride later had them sitting in hard plastic chairs in a waiting area outside of neurosurgery, the sign itself almost giving Simon a heart attack. Brain surgery, because someone crossed the median while she was driving. And she’d gone to the trouble, sometime so long ago, to put her fate into his hands.

If what Dianna had said was true, that she’d written these things just after getting out of treatment, then it would have been before they were ever together. It would have been while the extent of their relationship was annoying one another at the judges’ desk, back at the very beginning. When the most he’d ever done was hug her and pinch her nose and call her a brat, she’d looked at him and imagined a day like this and signed her life into his hands.

“It shouldn’t be me.” he mumbled again, staring at his hands in his lap. “I don’t know what she was thinking.”

“You’re right, it shouldn’t! I don’t know what you ever thought you were doing with my daughter, she’s my baby and you can’t just take advantage--”

“Dianna,” Eddie murmured, squeezing her hand. His eyes were angry too, he looked ready to strangle Simon, but they were making too much noise in the waiting room.

Demi’s surgery took six endless hours. And when the surgeon finally came out, Simon already knew. The set of his jaw and the look in his eyes wasn’t good news, he could only hope it wasn’t a death sentence.

“Is she alive?” he spat out in a low voice, fists clenched and not sure if he was ready for the answer.

The surgeon nodded shortly, sending a rush of relief through Simon that was quickly tempered by the rest of his words. “She’s still unconscious, and not anywhere close to out of danger. We’re keeping her heavily sedated for now, and you can see her, but I want to warn you, she does have a lot of tubes right now, she won’t...look like you expect.”

“I don’t care.”

“Her vitals are good, but she did sustain severe trauma to her brain. I trust I don’t need to tell you how serious that is, Mr. Cowell. She’s alive and stable, but I can’t make any promises about her recovery until she wakes up.”

“What are you saying?”

“She may have cognitive deficits. We just have to wait and see. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I can take you to see her now.”

“What does that mean?” Eddie asked quietly, holding tightly to his wife’s hand. “What...what can we expect?”

The doctor shot him an apologetic look. “We have no way of knowing, right now. Injuries like Demi’s have had a variety of outcomes, from full cognitive function to brain death. Obviously, given that her responses to stimuli are intact, she’s in as good a place as we can hope for right now. If we were to see any negative effects when she wakes up, it would likely be fairly mild.”

Eddie seemed to relax just infinitesimally at those words, and he was first into the room after the doctor, Dianna on his heels. Simon, exhausted in every possible way, didn’t bother fighting them and followed slowly, trying to brace himself before laying eyes on her.

Nothing could have prepared him, really. She looked peacefully asleep, if not for the washed-out paleness of her skin and the unceremoniously shaved side of her head, a line of stitches crossing her scalp.

Her lips were cracked and parted around a tube in her throat, cuts and bruises and butterfly bandages littering every visible inch of her skin as she lay there, looking tiny and helpless in that hospital bed.

Dianna sobbed and lurched forward, reaching for her daughter’s hand. Demi had a grey plastic clip on one finger, and an IV running into the back of her hand, and hers stayed limp while Dianna held on.

Eddie moved to stand beside her bed as well, one gentle hand tracing her hairline and sweeping the long side of her unplanned undercut off of her forehead.

Simon just swallowed hard, temporarily frozen. Demi belonged on the stage, larger than life with her incredible voice, she belonged laughing and stumbling in high heels and bodily attacking him with the promise of getting him sick. She belonged barefoot in the kitchen with her nose wrinkled up in concentration as she tried to cook, on the floor playing with his dogs, on the couch in a heated debate about Netflix. She belonged with fire in her eyes and love and laughter on her lips, she was not meant to lie here, so fragile and broken.

He found himself moving to the other side of her bed, ignoring the glares of her parents, and tracing the word on her wrist as he reached to grab her hand. “She’s strong,”

The doctor awkwardly returned just then, telling them that Demi was technically only allowed one visitor at a time, and Dianna stayed at her bedside while Simon and Eddie went back out to the hard plastic chairs.

***

It marked the beginning of the worst week of Simon’s life. He cleared his schedule and spent it almost entirely in the hospital, as did Demi’s parents. And if she’d been awake, she’d have scolded all three of them and set the record straight. Without her, and unwilling to alienate her family while she lay unconscious, Simon just endured their anger, pushing back only when they tried to keep him away from her. But he still couldn’t really blame them.

He’d had to give his permission for them to pull her off sedation and remove her machines after the third day. Tonight would be the eighth since the accident, and Demi still hadn’t woken. Her doctors were at a loss, explaining only that sometimes the body needed more time. That she wasn’t quite in a coma, yet. Simon knew what they weren’t saying, though. Her chances of recovery went down with every day she remained in an unconscious state.

For the moment, it was his turn at her bedside, while Eddie had finally convinced Dianna to let him take her home and take a breather. Simon was sitting on the edge of her bed and looking down at her face, which only looked more sleep-like and tranquil as her bruises began to fade. He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand, swallowing hard. “Come on, Dem,” he murmured. “If you can hear me, baby, I need you to wake up. Please,” he added in a whisper, fear threatening to choke him.

He’d lived over half his life without her, and she’d come in and rearranged everything so completely in such a short time. And now he was facing down the possibility of her leaving as suddenly as she’d come, permanently, and leaving him to live the rest of it without her. It was a bleak existence he didn’t particularly want to contemplate. One that might require some tattoos of his own to get through it. But it wasn’t going to be like that. She was going to make it through this.

Simon leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead gently, wishing he could hold her properly. She was cold and still so fragile and she smelled like the hospital and faintly like the burning metal of her accident, and he wanted nothing more than to take her home and deposit her in a warm bath, wrap her up between his sheets and hold her and never let her leave again.

But for that, she’d have to wake up.

“You’re such a brat,” he whispered, trying for humor. “Making us sit here waiting on you.”

Demi did nothing but breathe, her heart monitor beeping rhythmically in the silent room. Simon sighed, and squeezed her hand again. “Come on, Demi. You can do this. I love you, brat, just open your eyes.”

He collapsed back into the chair at her bedside, still without letting go of her hand, and bent his head over their laced fingers like he was at prayer. And he hadn’t given himself permission to cry--he didn’t cry--but there were tears falling onto her cold fingertips anyway, and when Eddie roused him later with a firm hand on his shoulder, it was with a bleak expression and red eyes.

Her father said nothing, and Simon just sighed and stood, feeling his back pop in retaliation for sleeping in that damn chair. And he was just about to let go of her hand when he felt the clip on her finger shift. It was a fool’s hope, he’d probably just bumped it with his own hand, but it was enough to glance back at her one final time.

And it was weak and uncoordinated, but her fingers moved, tightening around his hand as best they could, in a gesture no one could mistake. Simon’s heart jumped in his chest, and he turned to Eddie without ever letting go of her. “She squeezed my hand,”

And then Eddie was smiling over his shoulder with tears in his eyes, and Simon glanced down again to find her brown eyes looking up at him with such a quintessentially Demi bemused expression that he almost broke down crying again in relief.

“Hey, love,” he said softly. “You scared the hell out of me.”

Demi coughed, making a face, and looked straight past him. “Dad?”

“I’m right here, Demi.” Eddie assured her.

“Dad, my head hurts.” Demi whimpered, scrunching up her face. Simon reached over to press the call button at her bedside, earning a tentatively grateful nod from her father for it.

Demi dropped his hand quite suddenly, reaching toward Eddie, and Simon tried not to feel hurt. She was here, she was alive, she was awake. She was talking and aware, her brain wasn’t damaged, she was here. He’d take what he could get.

“I don’t understand,” she was saying weakly, looking between Eddie and Simon as quickly as she could without moving her head. “What--I…”

Her doctor and a nurse interrupted her, Dianna hot on their heels. “Baby!”

Demi’s face initially brightened, but then crumpled again in confusion. “Not you,” she was murmuring, almost to herself. She’d let go of Eddie’s hand now, too, and stared down at her own fingers, turning them over in examination almost as if she wasn’t quite sure she was real.

“How are you feeling, Demi?” the nurse was asking, an expression on his face that said he was entirely over the number of people crowding his patient.

“I’m...did I overdose?” Demi asked in a small voice, still not looking at anyone.

“No,” Simon rushed to reassure her, wishing he could be closer than where he’d ended up, almost in the doorway. “It was a car accident, darling.”

Instead of relief, Demi’s face only registered further alarm. “A car accident? Why...why was I driving? I’m sorry, Mama!” she burst out, panic in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to, I don’t know what I did, I--”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Dianna reassured her. “You’re okay, baby. The other driver was on the wrong side of the road. Not you.”

“I wasn’t supposed to leave,” Demi whispered, sounding terribly ashamed.

“Baby, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dianna was almost crying again. “You’re okay, Demi. It’s okay!”

“Demi, is it okay if I ask you some questions now?” her doctor cut in, smiling politely. Demi nodded weakly, and Dianna reluctantly took a step back.

“Okay, can you go ahead and tell me your full name, hun?”

“Demetria Devonne Lovato,” Demi returned, still looking down at her hands like she didn’t quite know what to do with them.

“How are you feeling right now, Demi?”

Demi shrugged. “My head hurts. Everything...kind of hurts.” she tried to play it off, but Simon could see the pain in her eyes. “I guess it makes sense if I was in an accident,” she mumbled.

The doctor nodded swiftly. “We can start you on some painkillers. Something non addictive, don’t worry. Do you remember your accident at all?”

Demi shook her head, looking agitated again.

“Okay, what’s the last thing you do remember?”

She hesitated. “Um, therapy. My session in the morning. I’m guessing it’s not today anymore, though?”

“Demi,” Simon started, ignoring all of the looks suddenly shot his way. “You didn’t have therapy that morning, darling.”

Demi made a familiar irritated face, starting to wave him off in her usual fashion, before she paused, her eyes flicking over his form rapidly. “Wait a second.” she said slowly. “I know you.”

Simon’s entire body went numb at her words. “Demi?” he said hoarsely.

She snapped her fingers impatiently. “You’re...I sang for you, you didn’t stand up. American Idol. You’re the judge guy, the rude one...Sa--Si--Simon. Simon Cowell.” She looked momentarily pleased with herself, and then made a face that would have been comical in any other situation. “Why the hell are you here?”

#i refuse to tag and publicize this #please accept my apologies #I swear I can write better than this #don't worry #better fic will be posted after this

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 5 years

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Caramel Skin Under a Vanilla Sky prt 39 full draft

Lance wasn't doing ok. Physically he was getting better, but as the infection in his chest cleared around the two and a half movements mark since the crash and now surgery loomed around the corner. The procedure wouldn't be performed on the Atlas, but instead on New Altea. Lance didn't want to leave so many things unanswered. He didn't want to be pushed aside and disregarded, which was exactly what felt like was happening. Keith was his main line with the outside world. Shiro dropped by from time to time, sometimes Curtis was with him and sometimes he was. Hunk had come by twice but was acting distant, unable to meet his eyes despite the fact he'd nearly crushed him in a hug as he cried his eyes out over being so worried about him. Shay had shyly come to enquire about his health and wish him well. Krolia had thanked him for his service and thanked him for getting Keith back home in one piece. Even Zak had ventured up to tell him he was an "idiot", but "an idiot that had done a good job". He knew Acxa and Keith's team had come by when he'd been napping, catching the tail end of the four of them talking outside the door... So he didn't know why he felt so hollow inside. Actually. He did. His fight with Veronica. His sister angered that he'd taken such measures without thinking of their family, and without consulting her about it. He couldn't admit the truth of what happened with Klearo to her. He couldn't admit that he'd fucked up from the very beginning then was tricked by someone who he looked up to. Veronica had basically insinuated that he was a burden, who didn't know what he was doing and should have stayed on Earth. She didn't get it. She didn't get to him that being a "burden" was his greatest fear. She didn't get that his drug and alcohol abuse had steadily grown worse, or understand the way he wrecked their family with his mere presence. Keith tried his hardest to help him through his moods and panic attacks, but he felt like he was shackling Keith down with his depression. Keith who still treated him like he was the most treasured person in existence. Keith who said they'd work things out... then left things in the air. It wasn't like he wanted to talk to the ship's councillor... but when they didn't come by his room, he had to wonder if Keith wasn't secretly enjoying him being so messed. The disgusting thought left him unable to look his boyfriend's way for vargas, ultimately serving to hurt Keith when he hadn't done anything wrong. Which he wasn't. Shiro's actions had told him that. No. It wasn't fair to blame Shiro. Keith had desperately needed the healing pod, and Lance couldn't be more relieved that his boyfriend had been healed. He just... felt... insignificant. No matter how he sat or laid, some part of his body hurt. He missed eating real food, being stuck on a liquid diet until after the surgery. He missed being able to move around, and shower unaided. Keith had been granted permission to help him shower. Each of the sticky sensor pads had left bruised behind after pealed off his tender skin. He was losing weight again, and losing his drive. He wasn't ok, and was only getting worse as he was kept waiting, unable to feel like he was being punished for getting Keith in harms way, by not being healed. He got that the Atlas couldn't leave it's orbit over the Altean ship while the investigation was on going, but didn't get why Shiro didn't open a wormhole to New Altea so that he could be put in a pod. Being comatose for a phoeb or three sounded ideal when compared to sitting in a very uncomfortable hospital bed, or trapped in his nightmares all night long thanks to the sedatives Daehra had prescribed to help him sleep through his nightly coughing fits. Lance didn't want to take more drugs. The more he craved them, the more he tried to push them away. He knew it was dangerous to fall back into his bad habits, but these new ones were working for him. They weren't filling up that hole in his heart from being unwanted, or easing the guilt he felt from relying on Keith. Quintant after quintant he was left laying there as it blurred together. To him it was like being left that cell all over again. He was constantly waiting to wake up and find himself being dragged out to Klearo's bed. Or to wake up and find himself still in the outpost, with Keith having been stolen away and cut to pieces. He wasn't stupid. He knew there had to be a network of connections when it came to Kre'el. She was just one woman... A woman he wanted answers from. A woman who'd lied to him so seamlessly and easily that the thought of her made him feel physically ill. None of these symptoms were going to clear before he was forced off the Atlas. Shiro probably didn't want him to ever return. He probably didn't want him anywhere near his team, and it didn't matter how illogical the arguments were for why that was so, his anxieties had him wrapped around their little finger. Shiro wouldn't haven't jumped in to help him, had it been him alone. He knew it. Like really knew it. The voice in his head whispered it over and over, never a kind word directed his way. He was his own worst enemy. With each quintant that passed, he was sure he was moving that much closer to insanity... Sure he was slipping away from the most wonderful boyfriend a guy could ask for. He didn't want to tie Keith down with his mental health issues. He didn't want to keep having panic attacks out of nowhere, and dreams he couldn't wake from. He wanted to be strong for Keith, but had no idea where to begin. * With his arms loaded up with bedding from the Telula and a treat from Hunk, Keith was running late. Daehra was on "Lance Duty" for the morning, his panic attacks so bad that Keith didn't want him left alone. He honestly feared for Lance hurting himself without realising he'd done it, or even worse, being caught up in a flashback and lashing out against someone he loved. Neither of them were really happy about Lance being transferred off the Atlas and out to New Altean, without answers. Lance was going through so much and taking him away without giving him answers was cruel as hell. His boyfriend wasn't reacting well to the news, hence why he'd dropped down to the kitchen to see if Hunk had something chocolaty to lift his spirits, then it was down to the Telula to get Lance a nicer blanket than the one on his hospital bed, back up to the kitchen to collect two chocolate milkshakes that looked like everything Lance wasn't supposed to be having. Lance's was packed with extra vitamins and minerals, but Keith had forgotten which one was which. His mind too busy. With Daehra and Lucteal, who was acting like Lance's personal bodyguard and limiting access to Lance's room, he knew he had the time to rustle up his surprise after a quick check up to make sure his ankle was healed properly... only for Shiro to corner him just short of his end goal. The expression his brother wore could only mean trouble... Opening the door to the room beside him, Shiro had planned to ambush him. The conveniently empty room said as much. Taking the milkshakes out of his hands, Shiro placed them down on the desk by the door, before crossing his arms and giving him his best "dad" look "Something you want to tell me?" "Uh? I was grabbing a blanket for Lance..." "Not about that. Well, about Lance, but something a little more pressing" "Not that I can think of..." Keith was confused. Shiro had that calm anger thing going on, like he was ready to snap, or turn on that disappointed tone. Personally Keith would prefer the violence, but knew Shiro would opt for disappointment because it hurt more. Reaching into his pocket, Shiro pulled out a small vial of shimmering red liquid. Keith's shock was written all over his face as he stared at the vial. Daehra wasn't stupid enough to just leave one laying around... and he had no idea how he was about to talk his way out of this. Opening his mouth, he made a weird kind of squeak before getting the words out "How did you get that?" "When Lance kept refusing painkillers, I watched over the camera footage from his room, and what do I see? I see Daehra injecting this into Lance's IV daily. I've had it analysed Keith" This wasn't his secret to be telling... Shiro had no right putting him in this position "Do you want me to tell you what I found? Or should I have you tell me what I found?" "I... ugh..." "You what Keith? Do you know how dangerous this is! You've known about this for phoebs, haven't you!?" Keith wasn't sure how Shiro pulled off apocalyptic rage that sounded do disappointed. Shaking, he nearly dropped the blankets "What were you thinking?" "Lance..." "Lance what? Didn't want me to know? You should have known better. I told you how dangerous this stuff is. If he has a drug problem, you should have told me immediately. Do you know how dangerous this is? How addictive this is? Do you understand what kind of a situation you've put me in?" Tears rolled down Keith's face and dripped onto the blankets, unable to meet Shiro's eyes "Well, do you?" "Sh-Shiro... it's not what you think" "What I think is that Lance has a drug problem you've neglected to inform me of. Do you have any idea what kind of complications that this could have caused during his surgery?" "You don't understand..." "Then tell me!" It'd been years since Keith had felt the fear that had his heart racing and his stomach flipping. The fear that came from parents or parental figures... dropping to squat, he buried his face in Lance's blanket, breathing in his scent as he tried to calm down "Then I'll go ask him..." "No!" "Then start talking. Does Coran know? Is this the secret you've all been hiding from me?" Keith shook his head. Yes, it was a secret, but not that one "You don't understand... what he's been through" "What's that supposed to mean?" "I can't... Shiro... it's not my secret to tell" "I'm sick of hearing that. This stuff could kill him. Is that what you want? Lance dead?" Falling back onto his arse, Keith shook his head "He could have died on the operating table" "Shut up!" "Keith, tell me what's going on!" "They got him addicted to it! They kept him drugged up while they tortured him! We... he... we left him alone... he was doing everything he could to forget... we've been... working on... bringing him off of the drugs. He's been making progress... then this happened. He doesn't want to be dependant on them. He doesn't want to..." Breaking down into sobs, Keith felt awful. Another precious secret gone up in flames because of him. Gulping for air, Keith hugged the blanket tighter as he rocked "We were working on this... he was getting better... you had no right..." "Keith..." "No! Don't you dare! Don't you dare... He's my husband, of course I knew about it. Of course I was helping him with. Of course he was trying to get past it... You have no idea how bad Earth was for him. He feels like he broke his whole fucking family... They kept him on this stuff... and... he doesn't want to be... he doesn't want to take them... that's why he wouldn't take more medication. He knows he has a problem, but you can't even trust him! You couldn't trust that Daehra understood. She didn't know how bad those injections were... not until... until after... I came. He couldn't cope, Shiro. He felt like none of us wanted him... he still doesn't feel wanted. This was his case and you're sending him away with no answers. He was working hard out here... only to be betrayed" Angered, Keith didn't realise the slip of his tongue calling Lance his "husband". He couldn't stop crying "I don't want him to die... I don't want him to die... he's my whole fucking world... Coran... we... would have talked to him... not where you could find out. All he's wanted is your respect. He... can't see how amazing he is... because he feels so inferior to everyone..." Keith hiccuped "He's falling apart because of this... you don't know what it's been like for him..." "Lance could have reached out for help at any time" "No..." "Yes. He knows we would be there" "No he didn't!" "Keith, you need to calm down for me" "How can I do that!? You just accused me of wanting him dead!" "I..." Keith knew Shiro pushed because he worried for the pair of them, but that didn't mean anything. He'd well and truly crossed a line "I'm sorry. But you can understand how much of a shock this has been" "It wouldn't have been a shock if you could just trust people..." "He has a drug problem" "And we were dealing with it" "What if something had happened?" "Like what?" "Like he hurt someone when he was high" "It doesn't work like that. Lance doesn't get violent without a good reason" "Are you saying that as his partner or as his friend?" "Both. He's in so much pain all the time... we've been working so hard to get though things" "And that fight you had, where he left, was that to do with this?" Keith shook his head "That's between Lance and Krolia. As far as I know, she and he have talked" "You've still left me in a tough position" "It doesn't have to be. You're sending him away anyway..." "I'm not sending him away. I'm transferring him so he could have surgery and finally go into a pod" "Something you couldn't have done sooner? You couldn't have shipped Kre'el off to Altea?" "No. You know that as well as I do" "It feels like according to you, I know nothing. It's not my first time around drugs, Shiro. You know what those homes were like. You know you can't do jack shit to help anyone who doesn't want help. He asked for help" Sighing, Shiro moved to squat down across him "You know I care about both of you. I'm just shocked that you didn't come to someone who was more experienced to get advice and help for him" "I talked to you. I talked to Coran. I talked to Krolia. I even talked to Lance's mum. But none of you could tell me what I needed to know. How could I betray his trust like that? He needs safety and stability. He needed to get his feet back under him" "I'm proud of you for trying to help him, but you're not trained in these kinds of things. Frankly I don't know if I can continue to let Daehra treat him when she's been giving him such a dangerous substance. I love you both, and all I want is the best for Lance, but you understand that these secrets aren't helping him, or helping me to figure out how to help him" "Shiro... please..." "We're both going to have a little talk with Lance about this" "You can't" Keith's heart was breaking. Lance was going to be torn apart by this. He was already depressed as it was. The conversations they did have were never about what happened, Lance steering away from the topic every time they nudged it. If they weren't talking, Lance wanted to cuddle... but his husband would stay silent for vargas at an end. He'd been so focused on getting Lance through the surgery and then into some kind of counselling and help like he'd asked for that he hadn't foreseen this kind of a speed bump. Carrying the two milkshakes with shaky hands, Shiro had plucked the blanket out his hold as the pair walked into Lance's room. Lucteal had practically glared at Shiro, acting like he didn't want to allow them access to Lance's room. And quiznak if Keith wished he hadn't. Sitting up in his bed, Lance's face brightened up at the sight of him, before falling as Shiro followed into the space "Babe... have you been crying?" Stupid Lance, seeing right through him even when he was trying to hold it all. Shaking harder, Keith barely made it to Lance's left side, placing the milkshakes down on a rather expensive looking machine that was off "It's ok, babe. I'm ok. Daehra, can you give the three of us a little space?" "She should..." "Shiro, trust me on this. Daehra, it's ok. We just need to talk to Lance about something" Daehra's eyes flicked to the IV bag, her empathic senses probably knowing what this was about "Lucteal and I will be right outside" Nodding, Lance seemed to retreat further into himself "Why don't you two go rest? I have a feeling this isn't going to be all that fun, so I'm already scheduling my after scowling nap. I've already had it all from Veronica, so we might as well get Shiro off the list too" "Alright, I understand. Keith, you know what to monitor for?" Avoiding Lance's gaze, Keith jumped at Daehra's question "Uh... yeah. Go ahead" "Please do not upset him further. He has been through quite a lot. A lot of which you would not understand" There was no settling the silent thing going on between Daehra, Lucteal and Shiro. He'd hoped for Lance's sake the would have patched up their differences over the past three movements, but that remained a big fat nope. Leaving the room, the three of them were left with a few very pregnant moments silence passing between them. Keith couldn't take knowing what was coming. He'd very nearly avoided a panic of his own under Shiro's words. Lance seemed to know whatever was going on wasn't something he wanted to talk about, and Shiro... had flicked out the blanket and was now laying it over Lance's bed. Which was supposed to be his job. He didn't want Shiro's stupid scent on his boyfriend's sheets "What is this about? Can you just spit it out already? Did you get data off the ship from the samples? Is that it?" Lance let out a dry laughed before continuing "So what are you here to laugh at me about? The drugs or what Allura did to my body? Or is it the torture? I had the feeling they filmed it... Maybe... How I fucked up and nearly got Keith killed? There's few things that make Keith cry, and with how guilty he looks, it's not something small" Keith wanted to tell Lance to shut up. His tone hurt to hear, as did him exposing all his secrets to Shiro... He hadn't thought about the fact their sample data may still exist with the outpost being destroyed, but it made sense to him that the data would have been sent on before the scene of their crimes were erased. From how Kre'el opened a wormhole, their had to be a secondary location she'd had in mind. Pulling the vial from his pocket again, Shiro held it up for Lance to see "You told him?" There was that disappointment again... this time from Lance "Keith didn't tell me. When you refused pain medication, I examined the video from this room. For privacy I had the sound turned off, but for security I left the cameras on given the prisoners we have onboard from the ship and from the mining moon the ship crashed on" Lance let out a small "oh" as he nodded "So you know I'm a drug addict?" "Keith told me how it happened. That they drugged you during torture?" "Yep. Can't just quit the stuff because it'll shut down my body if I do" Keith shifted, he didn't want Lance to hate him. He knew Shiro was only being so hard because he cared, but... he didn't know what to do or say in this moment "Lance... I'm sorry this happened to you, but why didn't you tell any of us? We could have gotten you help sooner. This could have seriously complicated your surgery. We nearly lost you... we all nearly lost you" Crossing his arms, Lance huffed "Geez Shiro, why would any want to brag that they were addicted to drugs. That I needed them to get through the fucking day. Let me just casually drop that into a group call. Hey guys, guess what? I'm a fucking druggy who's fucked in the head. Even got that touch of brain damage to prove it. Yeah. Because it's that fucking easy when you were enjoying your lives without me. Also, I heard you. I heard you yelling at Keith. I think the whole fucking floor heard you yelling at him. If you've got a problem with me, then you talk to me. You don't sneak around stealing things from my ship, and you especially don't take it out on Keith when he has been trying his hardest to get me off them. I know you worry for him, but he's the same damn age as when you went missing off Pluto. I don't want you fighting or yelling because of some waste of space like I am" "Lance, that's not what I think at all..." "Babe, no. No, you're not a waste of space" Their words overlapped. Keith could understand Lance lashing out. A tiny bit maybe even pleased that his boyfriend had scolded Shiro for yelling at him "Lance, when I saw you on that ship, cradled in Coran's arms I realised how close we'd come to losing you. I couldn't pull Keith out the healing pod... and I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do now. I'm honestly scared for you. Scared that this could lead to you dying. And I'm scared of Keith being dragged into a situation like he did in those foster homes. There's safer ways to come off of the drugs. I know you rely on Keith, but I'm worried about the strain it'll cause on both of you" "Shiro, I'm not a kid. Not anymore. I appreciate that you came at Keith's message, and I appreciate what you've done for both of us. But this, isn't your problem. That's why you're not listed as my next of kin and Keith is in charge of my medical decisions. You should forget you saw this. It's being handled" Shiro was trying. Keith knew he was trying. He still held that anger from being kept out of the loop on this, but he was trying in his own way to make Lance see that he wanted to be there for him. Raising his head, he swallowed hard at the expression on Lance's face. It was getting too much for him "I can't forget something like this Lance. And pushing it aside isn't going to help. I care about you. Please rely on me. Please let me help you. I want to help you" "I know! You weren't supposed to know! We were working on it... weren't we?" Red-rimmed eyes looked to Keith for comfort. A hand shyly moving to pat the space next to him. Forcing himself forward, Keith climbed up into the bed, Lance curling into him as he held him tightly, nuzzling into the soft curve of the Cuban's neck as pained scent poured from his love. Shaking, his emotions were bubbling up, the dam breaking as he cried softly "We were, baby. We are. You've done so good. I'm so sorry... I didn't want... I didn't want to tell another secret" "No... shhh, I understand. I'm sorry... I'm not strong enough to..." "You are strong. So strong..." Shifting Lance's legs up and between his, Keith positioned Lance so he was leaning against his chest. The angle better for Lance's lungs "I want to die... I'm so tired... of being disappointment" "When we get to Altean, we're going to get some help. I'm not going anywhere" "It's so busy in my head... I crave it so badly..." "I know" Because he did. Lance didn't need to spend vargas explaining himself. He got it. He wasn't oblivious to the physical pain... but Lance was working so hard at being clean of everything he could be clean of. Working so hard not to keep falling apart and to find a way to keep breathing... despite what he might think or how he might act "I thought you forget... no... no one came to... to talk to me" "You thought I forgot you need help? I thought it might be easier on New Altea. Away from here" "I don't want to leave with everything how it is" "I know" "I don't know how long I'll be the in pod... I hate them. I hate them so much... I don't want to wake up. I don't want to... miss more time" "Babe, I'm not going anywhere. We're accidental married remember. I can't let someone swoop in and whoo my husband out from under me" Lance gave him a wet laugh that sounded like music to Keith's ears "Never. Never... no one but you" They'd forgotten they had an audience. Both of them crying softly as they nuzzled, seeking comfort from the person they loved the most. "I... should be going then... Lance, I want to help you. So think about it, please. Anything I can do... I respect you. And I respect what you went through. I know Daehra doesn't like me, but your team... you've got a pretty amazing team. You're a good leader. I was wrong. It was wrong of me to think I understood things better than you did. Especially out in this area of space. The work you did here, it made a real difference. And you should be proud of that. I'm sorry for ambushing you over this. We nearly lost you and I didn't want to lose you to something like this... something that I could be there for..." Sniffling and hiccuping, Lance was the kindest soul he knew. Touches had been setting him off, as had certain smells, but reaching out his busted arm, he bit his lip at pain as he waved Shiro into a hug. Shiro hugging into Keith more than Lance, most probably out of respect. Sniffling as his eyes grew wet, Shiro was just as bad as the two of them "So, accidental husband's?" Lance let out a laugh "We... didn't know we were getting married at the time. There was this alien princess who stood had us stand in this gold ring and drink this horrible wine stuff..." Kissing Lance's cheek, Keith nodded "It was Daehra's little sister Annla. We got married on their planet before we came back for Hunk and Shay's engagement party. We're still working us out... but yeah, accidentally married the best guy in the universe" "You mean the only guy who could love your mullet" "It's not a mullet" "You could grow it down to your arse and it'll always be a mullet" "That's it. If I stay with the pair of you any longer, I'm going to catch your idiocy. Lance... please, even if it's Coran. Let him in?" "Coran... knows most of it... not... not all of it... but he knows most of it" What Coran did know, Keith didn't. They'd talked before Lance had developed the secondary infection and a little after, privately "That's a really good start. I'm sorry I came down so hard on both of you. You're both like brothers to me" "Thank you, Shiro. And can you keep the whole marriage thing a secret? Hunk would kill me. He already tried to kick me out when Lance was having a panic attack" Lance didn't respond. Shiro didn't seem to notice as he detached from the hug and passed over the two very melted milkshakes. Giving Keith's shoulder on last pat, his brother left them. When the door to his room closed, Lance let out a groan "Babe?" "I fucking hate this" "What?" "He apologised and I know I should feel better or some shit, but I don't know how to feel. I've been so fucking mad at him. He said it was for security but I feel like it was because I'm such a fuck up... I don't even know if he would have come and got me... and... Kre'el... why not transfer her? How's their investigation going? Have they been to Erathus? I feel like... like he can't trust me with any of it... I have... so many... I didn't want to burden you... I..." Lance's breathing was becoming uneven. Rubbing his back with his free hand, Keith sighed softly "No, babe. No. I don't know what Shiro is doing, or why he's running things like that, but there's so many things happening at the moment. I don't doubt he cares for you" "It's... hard to let anyone else in. I feel so weak" "I promise you, secret husband of mine, you're strong as hell" "I take it you're the one who let it slip?" "I'm sorry. Shiro... he brought up some feelings I haven't really dealt with properly. From my time in the system... you know, that disappointed tone that only parents can give" "I'm so sorry, babe. I heard him... and I didn't understand it all. How did he even get the vial?" "I don't know. He shouldn't have called us out like that. It's none of his business" "He's your brother. He's worried for you. Especially after what you went through in the system. God. I wish I could back in time and met you sooner. I wish I hadn't picked so many fights with you... I hate that you went through that" "I hate that you're still suffering" "You're suffering too. I don't like bringing all these memories back for you either. Do you maybe want to tell me?" No. Hell no. Lance was down on himself as it was. Hearing Keith's messed up childhood was the last thing he needed... So why wasn't that what came out? "Only if you want to listen" What. No. Lance didn't need to put up with him continuing to cry just because Shiro hit too close to home "Keith, I want to know everything about you... when you're ready. Not when Shiro has scared the quiznak out of you. I can smell your fear all over you. Don't push yourself" Keith let out a deep breath of relief, Lance smacking him playfully with his milkshake "It's not that I don't want to tell you" "You'll tell me when you're ready. Believe me, as the messed up one, I get it. Can we finish these then can you help me shower, Daehra won't let shower alone? It's not Shiro's fault but his scent is setting me off" "I... don't like his scent on you either. We could skip the milkshakes?" Lance shook his head, clipping Keith's chin as he did in his enthusiasm. Cringing back, Lance frowned at him "You promised bed and chocolate... and I might be trying to hard right now not to start crying because you're being too nice to me" "You most definitely deserve me being nice. I know you didn't tell Shiro yourself, but you didn't run away and that was brave" Rolling his eyes at him, Keith was glad to see the sass "Do you ever like... get sick of being so disturbingly nice?" "When it comes to you, not really" "You're killing me here. None of my lines are as smooth as you" Waiting until Lance had raised the straw of his milkshake, Keith let himself smirk internally. If his accidental husband wanted him smooth, he was getting smooth "Maybe when we get to Altea, I can take you on a date? We could watch the sunset, just you and me?" Lance choked hard on his milkshake, the cold liquid spilling into Keith's crotch. Flailing and trying to escape the freezing feeling against his junk, both their milkshakes went everywhere. Lance laughing as hard as he was coughing. Keith left standing by his boyfriend's bed with his sweat pants around his ankles. He'd been aiming for smooth, yet... this was so much nicer.

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doctormage · 5 years

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hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!!

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

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teanaoverton · 5 years

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still swimming.

i thought the first year of law school was suppose to be the toughest. that was not the case for me.

this past semester, the first of my 2L year was the most trying experience of my life. and sheesh, i have dealt with a lot of experiences.

before we go any further, i think its important to tell you a little about myself and warn you of some contents that this post will contain.

i am brutally honest. i dont believe in sugar coating the truth, and so i wont. this post may be triggering to anyone who has every experienced sexual assault and/or sexual harassment. this post is my truth. and if you havent noticed by now, i do not like capital letters or formal punctuation. and i also cant spell.

anyway, back to the story.

the beginning of the semester started off rocky. i worked for my school and assisted with many task including orientation for the first year students and the title ix policy updates (thanks betsy *eyeroll*).

unfortunately, i had to use that title ix policy.

at the end of july, my key card to get in and out of my school’s parking deck was not working properly. i expressed my concern to a security officer. instead of walking to the gate, he walked with me to the parking deck and followed me to my car. we were the only two in the parking deck.

while at my car, he asked me on a date. i was not interested in the slightest. but hey, im a girl all alone in the parking deck with a security guard. i had just heard about a woman getting killed for rejecting a man. and i sure tf have no lived enough to die. so i told him that school was starting soon and i did not have time. smooth escape i thought. and i also thought that would be it, i was wrong.

the next week, i left the second floor (where i worked) to go downstairs and get a snack from the vending machines. he saw me and ran to try and pay for my snack, thoughtful gesture, but i refused as i did not want to lead him on. he then followed me to the elevators and handed me a note with his number on it.

i had to cross paths with him to get to work, and he would make comments to me. once in particular troubled me.“you dont work on wednesdays, we could go out on a wednesday.” and that is when a red flag went off for me.

why do you know my work schedule? ive already said i wasnt interest, why are you still actively pursing me? so i told my friend/co-worker about the interactions and asked her to walk me to my car.

while working late one evening, he came to the suite and started talking and staring. it was after hours and he was no longer on the clock. the other security officer on duty was probably home with his feet kicked up by this hour. instead of doing the same... he came to “see what was going on.” being aware of the situation and that i was uncomfortable, my friend engaged in the conversation so i didnt have to. bless her.

during orientation, we had leftover food. my boss at the time asked me to take some to the security officers. my friend and i locked eyes knowing i sure tf was not about to lead this man on by any means. so, that is when i told my boss at the time that i was good off doing that. if you know who my boss was, you know she will get the truth out of you.

one thing lead to another and boom, the incidents were reported to HR. who i was required to meet with. during the first week of classes, i met both HR and my boss to reassure them that i was not looking to get a black man fired, i just wanted to be left alone.

time went by, nothing happened. i still was uncomfortable passing the security desk. i would have friends walk with me to the car so i wouldnt be alone bc guess who did rounds in the parking deck, yeah. you guessed it, him.

unfortunately, my request was not fulfilled. he did not leave me alone. i was required to do a tabling event for work. guess where that tabling event was? right across from the security desk. gr8!!! he looked at me and loudly started saying "i shouldn't have to come to work and be uncomfortable.” he said this several times, causing others in the area to look and see what was going on.

again, the tabling event was for work (different job btw). i was sitting next to my boss who was unaware of the previous interactions. she too asked “why is he screaming like that?”

i sat there in shock. in silence. and on the clock, so i couldnt leave.

why. should. he. have. to. come. to. work. and. feel. uncomfortable.

that was it, my breaking point. i felt unsafe. i expressed my concerns to the appropriate parties. eventually time went on and he was transferred.

shortly after, repressed memories of my childhood rape surfaced during a therapy session. along with many thoughts: was i over exaggerating? did i lead him on in anyway? could i have done more to let him know i wasnt interested before reporting the incidents? was this my fault?

guilt.

i lost track of what was happening in real life because i was so distracted by the thoughts in my head. but as soon as i gained back some control, real life hit me again. my legal writing assignment had been posted. and guess what the topic was? sexual harassment in the work place.

you mean to tell me, i have to do research, write a brief, and have an oral argument about sexual harassment? shit, someone call my therapist.

i wrote some shit on some paper. and that was that. what was happening in my classes? no clue. what was happening in my life? no clue. what was going on in the world? no clue.

i got lost again.

i just wanted to float and let the current carry me for awhile. i wanted to watch the clouds chase each other into different corners of the sky like freed kites who never worry about the meaning of away. i wanted to float. ive been swimming so long.

but my thoughts eventually had an off switch and i was good again. then guess what?

kavanaugh.

here we fucking go again.

the student body president signed an aba petition to conduct an impartial hearing on kav. and for some reason, some students were pissed. so they took it upon themselves to write a petition to have the sba president remove his name from the aba petition and issue an apology.

i need you to pay very close attention for this part.

i sat in class triggered. surrounded by people signing this petition while tears poured down my face. how fucking disgusting are you people.

now the only reason i know what the petition actual was is because i am in sba. otherwise, i would have no clue it ever existed. want to know why? because the students who wrote the petition never asked me to sign it. trust me, i am not offended. in fact, im honored that they knew better than to bring some bullshit like that to me. but what was upsetting, when another student asked what was going on (why everyone was gathered looking at the petition), the authors of it said “we’re just looking at some stuff about aba accreditation.”

baby, if you gonna talk about it. be about it. smh.

the petition surfaced. and the names on it, wow. people i looked up to. people i considered role models. women who are allegedly advocates for women. women in general. even a few self-proclaimed feminist.

wow. the names.

so many people who have reached out to me when i told my story about being raped as a child. so many people i believed would be there for me if i asked for help dealing with the recent sexual harassment. so many frauds.

their names, they were on it. big and bold.

i didnt want to float anymore. i wanted to drown.

i was suffering. isolating myself from everyone. i did the absolute bare minimum. i distanced myself from my family, my friends, from everyone around me.

i didnt read for any of my classes. i stopped caring. i had thoughts about dropping out of school. i still have the withdrawal email in my draft.

i want to give someone credit for helping me through this, but i cant. this ocean, its so big. but hell, i havent drowned yet.

meanwhile, im still swimming.

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miss-musings · 6 years

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Some wild or not-so-wild predictions about Episode IX (with some TLJ meta/analysis)

So, for the record, these crazy-ass wild predictions (or maybe not so wild???) are based on: 1) evidence of themes, motifs, character development and story arcs from TFA and TLJ; 2) overall story arcs and whatnot from both the Prequel Trilogy and the OrigTrig; 3) other media (TV shows) within the Star Wars universe; 4) other media outside of Star Wars that I feel like share some thematic/character parallels and that I know are very popular among modern audiences; and 5) fan metas that tie into all of this.

So, in no particular order and with plenty of art to break up the text…

And in case this isn’t going to be obvious… SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI!!!

PREDICTION ONE: The Title

Across the 8 Star Wars films we have three possibilities for the way titles are worded: A/The (Adjective) (Noun) ; (Noun) with a verb somewhere in the phrase; (Noun) of the (Noun). So far in this new trilogy, we’ve had the first two. But we haven’t had (Noun) of the (Noun) yet. This has been the case with the third installments of each trilogy: Revenge of the Sith (III) and Return of the Jedi (IV).

I imagine IX will fit this pattern; and, while I doubt it will have “Jedi” or “Sith” in it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had the word “Balance” in it. Like “Balance of the Force” or something, except that I imagine they might be kind of nervous about using “Force” again in a title so soon, considering they have The Force Awakens and another property The Forces of Destiny.

But, I’d bet money “Balance” is in the title. Maybe not a lot of money. Like $5 or something, but still. I’ll bet money on it. Maybe… “Power of the Balance.” Because Balance has very much been a recurring theme/motif in this trilogy, and I’m 100% certain we’re going there (which we’ll get into more below).

PREDICTION TWO: Character Dynamics

Okay, so for a more general observation of the Core Three Characters of each of our trilogies – Anakin/Obi-Wan/Padme ; Luke/Han/Leia – we had a romantic pairing between two of the three characters (Anakin/Padme ; Han/Leia), and a sibling or pseudo-sibling bond two of three characters (Anakin/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Leia). And the remaining connection of the triangle (Padme/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Han) was more of a friendship than anything else.

Now, looking at our main three characters of this NEW trilogy, I’ve seen a lot of people arguing that it’s Rey/Finn/Poe. No, it’s really not. As much as I like Poe, he’s really more of the Lando or Yoda or Mace Windu of this series. He has an important role, but initially he’s more of a side character (especially considering that he doesn’t really get any character development until TLJ). This is evident in the marketing for TFA and the fact that Poe was supposed to die in the crash on Jakku.

No, Rey, Finn and Kylo are the main three of our story. With that, the bonds between them become more evident: Rey and Kylo are the romantic pairing as we clearly see in TLJ; and Rey and Finn are going to be more of the pseudo-sibling pairing (Sorry, FinnRey, shippers. I enjoy their dynamic but I see it being more platonic.) That will presumably leave Finn and Kylo to one day become friends, although it probably won’t happen in the events of Episode IX.

It’s evident that Rey and Finn deeply care about one another, and while there were hints to a possible romantic pairing between them – like the “cute boyfriend” comment and the “stop holding my hand,” awhich might’ve been done as either comic relief or shipping fodder – I don’t see them getting together unless Kylo dies (which I HIGHLY doubt, and we’ll get into more below).

Finn is the first person who ever cared about Rey and treated her like a real person, like family. That’s partly why she’s so attached to him; that and he’s just generally a good guy. Likewise, Rey was the first person to believe in Finn, and it’s obvious that she means a lot to him. They’re the first real connection they made after they escaped their respective shitty lives (scavenging on Jakku and working for the FO). But Finn only ever calls her his friend, and he and Rey never exchange any dialogue in TLJ. He hasn’t really talked to her since Starkiller Base, before he fell into his coma; they’ve both seen and done a lot since then. They’re really not the same people that they were on Jakku, and while they will always care about each other, their lives are moving in different directions to a certain degree.

Anyway, sorry that was long way of saying: Rey and Finn aren’t getting together; Rey and Kylo are getting together. At least romantically. I imagine Rey and Finn will still be a big part of each other’s lives at the trilogy’s end.

PREDICTION THREE: Length of the Time Skip

I doubt it will be shorter than six months, but I don’t think it’ll be more than three years. We need enough time for the Resistance to have built up their forces again, but not so long that I think Hux will have overthrown Kylo Ren (because it was very obvious that he’s not at ALL pleased with Kylo as Supreme Leader).

A year or a year-and-a-half seems pretty reasonable. Any more than that, and I think you’re going to have to explain why the hell Hux hasn’t killed Kylo Ren or why either the Resistance or FO hasn’t found out about the Force Bond (because I definitely think that’ll be making an appearance).

PREDICTION FOUR: Basic Plot Outline

On that note, here’s how I think the movie might go. We’ll get into the specifics of some of these later.

Since taking over as Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren has been mostly brooding. He doesn’t give a lot of orders, but mostly kind of lets Hux run things. He’s so incredibly conflicted, given everything that happened in TLJ. He is not at all stable emotionally or spiritually. He shuts himself in his chambers and doesn’t do much but wait for the Force Bond to connect him with Rey. They don’t really say anything to each other, even though both of them want to but can never find the words. Or something like that.

(EDIT: I could’ve sworn I put this next prediction in my original draft, but I guess not. Oh, well. Adding it back in now.) Leia’s death will be shortly before the events of this movie. In fact, it’ll probably be mentioned in the opening Title Crawl. News of her death or the feeling of his mother being gone (as he might sense it through the Force) will cause Kylo to break routine and leave his quarters to go on a solo trip to some location that reminds him of his mom. Alderaan is gone, so maybe wherever Leia and Han raised him?? As long as it wasn’t one of those planets that Starkiller blew up. Wherever. It’ll be somewhere that reminds him of his mom.

(EDIT:) Side note: I’m not sure what will cause Leia’s death. She might’ve died in battle. That’d at least be badass. But losing her husband and twin brother within a week of each other might’ve taken a strain on her physically and emotionally, much like what happened to Carrie Fisher’s mom, Debbie Reynolds, IRL. But, I think death in battle would be more fitting. Although, if that’s the case, Kylo won’t have ordered it.

As Kylo is visiting this site connected to his mom, Rey will either be on Jakku or Tattooine – delving into her own origins (visiting her parents’ graves in the junker desert) or into Luke’s/Anakin’s and trying to learn more about the Force. She will have constructed a new lightsaber: either one that’s totally unique to her (maybe like a staff size?), or one that uses half of the kyber crystal from the Skywalker Lightsaber (and Ben will use the other half for his saber at the very end, after he’s redeemed).

While they are both alone and on their personal journeys, the Bond will activate and they will finally say something to each other for the first time since TLJ. It won’t be much, and there will still be some anger/resentment/hostility between them, but it will be poignant and emotional. Rey will probably say something about how his mom never gave up on him, etc.

At some point while Kylo/Ben is visiting this location that reminds him of his mom, he will probably hear some audio of his mother speaking to him through the Force (they might use an earlier clip of Carrie/Leia saying “Ben” or something, they way they used the Alec Guiness/Old Ben dialogue in Rey’s Forceback).

Luke will appear as a Force-ghost to either Kylo or Rey or both at some point during the film, but this point (when they’re both on their respective journeys of nostalgia) seems the most likely. He’ll probably spout off some exposition-heavy dialogue (possibly giving Rey her third official lesson, if they decide the TLJ deleted scenes aren’t canon), and then tell Rey she’ll have to face Kylo again.

In the meantime, the Resistance has been cooking up some big plan to take down the FO’s most recent base/big gun/whatever. Poe is now in charge of the Resistance since Leia’s death. Finn and Rose are potentially a couple now, and they’re also major Resistance leaders.

Either the Resistance will win some major victory or the FO will start to fracture as Hux takes more power from Kylo. Something will have to kick Kylo back into full Renperor mode. Something will threaten his position of power and he will feel as though he has to retaliate. But, Hux won’t be killed off, either in battle or by Kylo, until the third act of the movie.

There will be a gigantic space battle in either the second or third act. Poe will probably be the one to kill Hux, if Kylo doesn’t.

Finn will likely find out about the Force Bond, if Rey hasn’t told him during the Time Skip.

If there’s an element where the Resistance has to send one of their own to infiltrate the FO base, Rey will do it. Finn will initially volunteer at first, but Rey says she has to face Kylo and give the Resistance its best chance to win.

Somehow Rey and Kylo will face each other in the final act of the film, likely after she’s sought him out on a FO base. Or they find each other on the battlefield.

Since the end of TLJ, Rey has gotten considerably stronger in the Force, especially her combat abilities. She and Kylo will be a literal even match. They know each other so well and are both so strong that almost every attack is ineffective. I really HOPE (not predict, but hope) that this fight will either have some kind of a dance feel to it or go back to Episode IV, when it was an homage to old samurai films. Like when they’re both trying to do one-shot kill moves on each other, but keep blocking it.

Okay… now as to how the fight will end… I truly believe that it will end in a draw with both of them being hurt to the point where they can’t fight any more, probably with inverse/opposite/complementary/mirroring injuries. The injuries will be major, but not life-threatening.

While they’re laying there, not fighting any more and experiencing a shared/parallel pain, they’ll both vocalize their feelings for one another. And probably kiss. And while they kiss, they have Force visions on how to resolve this conflict: to balance the Force by becoming Gray Jedi (Force-wielders who use both the light and the dark sides, in balance) TOGETHER.

Kylo will proposition to Rey to join him as a Gray Jedi, which she will accept.

Once they realize this, the two will go back to their respective sides, and figure out some kind of compromise/system where neither the Resistance nor the FO exists, but some kind of balanced government system where everyone feels represented and no one is oppressed.

Everyone celebrates the creation of this new system, the destruction of the old system(s), and Rey and Kylo leave their friends to become tandem Gray Jedi Masters who will teach the next generation of Force users all about the full scope of the Force. They’ll also totally become a couple and maybe we’ll see a Force-vision of the future, where they have kids or something.

Together, Ben and Rey will have brought balance to the Force and the galaxy at large!

EXPLANATION TIME!!!

Kylo letting Hux run most things would be a good reason for Hux not having killed him yet. And Kylo brooding rather than being a bad dude makes a lot of sense if he’s going to be redeemed and live. And it’s clear from the effort that’s gone into Kylo Ren’s character that he WILL be redeemed, and because we’ve already done the Redeemed Hero Dies route (Vader), Kylo will get to live, albeit probably scarred/injured/handicapped or something. He can’t do TOO much more evil stuff or otherwise he’ll be considered TOO unredeemable for average audiences. Killing Han, killing a bunch of innocent people and Resistance combatants, and trying to kill Luke are all pretty unredeemable, but eh. He killed Snoke, and Rey, Luke and Leia all believe in his goodness. Seeing his conflict early on in Episode IX will clue the audience in on his being redeemed by the end of the movie.

I’m basing a lot of this on Zuko’s character arc from the Avatar: The Last Airbender series and Sasuke from the Naruto universe (which we’ll talk about more in a second).

Rey’s arc, much like Luke’s in Episode VI, will be somewhat overlapping with the main War plot, but will ultimately take place parallel to it. Luke was on a journey of discovering himself, the Force and helping Anakin Skywalker to redeem himself. Rey, likewise, is on a journey of discovering herself, the Force and helping Ben Solo to redeem himself. Her main story will intersect with Finn/Poe/Rose/the Resistance’s, as Luke’s did with Han/Leia/Chewie/the Rebellion’s, but it will ultimately take place mostly separated from them.

With Carrie gone, they are going to have to have some kind of carry-over from the OrigTrig, and Luke as a Force-Ghost makes the most sense. He’ll do the Ben Kenobi role of getting the main characters to fight each other and figure out whatever the Force is trying to tell them. Because, as a Force-Ghost, Luke’s consciousness is one with the Force, or whatever; so he knows exactly what needs to happen for Balance to be achieved.

There will have to be something plot-wise to make Kylo snap out of his vulnerable state and back into his Renperor self because we’re going to need tension that he might kill Rey in their final duel, or at least destroy the Resistance. That way their final battle will have higher stakes.

Rey’s Force powers have leaned more toward the Sensing/Emotive side. Her first “awakening” is the Force-back, but even before that, she’s first aware of being called by the Force (the Lightsaber). She then figures out how to turn Kylo’s Force-sensing interrogation technique back on him, and senses his greatest fear. She also figures out how to use the Jedi Mind Trick, which she will ABSOLUTELY use again in Episode IX, and it’s only later that we see her using more of the physical attributes of the Force (pulling stuff toward you, combat enhancement, etc.). Rey is more naturally drawn toward sensing things via the Force, like the Tree, the Island (in her dreams) and the Lightsaber, and when she senses the Force as whole and then the Dark Side (the cave) in TLJ. So, during the Time Skip, she will have trained in learning how to use the Force to enhance her combat abilities, because it always felt to me like those were earned from her harsh life on Jakku rather than something inherent she had because she was Force-sensitive. (I mean, she didn’t even realize she was Force-sensitive until the Lightsaber scene on Takodana; but she’d been fighting off assholes all her life.)

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Force Bond is exposed to either the FO, the Resistance or both. This might be why Hux tries to usurp Kylo; and I doubt the Resistance will take Rey’s connection to Kylo all too well, considering that he tortured Poe and almost killed Finn (EDIT: and they might blame him for Leia’s death). Rey might make up for this by excusing herself from the main action of the War and offering to take down Kylo alone.

Now, what’s all this about the Gray Jedi and bringing “balance to the Force”?

(EDIT: Linking to the Wookieepedia article on “Gray Jedi” here.)

So, this is what all the eight movies have been leading up to – the prophecy that Anakin was supposed to fulfill. At the end of VI, the Sith (Vader and Palpitine) die and only one Jedi (Luke) survives to pass on what he has learned. This is not balance. At the time, we didn’t know about the whole prophecy thing and the OrigTrig was just about the good guys winning and the bad guys losing. But, over time, Star Wars has evolved to show us that this world – like ours – is a lot more GRAY. That’s what the Clone Wars series was about; that’s what Rebels (as far as I know) has been about; and that’s what the PT was sort of hinting at. That’s what THIS new trilogy has been hinting at, especially with the Finn/Rose subplot in TLJ. (EDIT: Which I wrote a whole meta analyzing and defending the importance of that subplot. Read it here.)

That’s not to say the FO hasn’t committed atrocities and the Resistance isn’t made up of people who have suffered and want better lives. But, as we saw with Finn, there’s a possibility that Stormtroopers are good people who don’t like what they’re being told to do. And, as was hinted at in TLJ, there are plenty of people who don’t like the Resistance. Because, in a war, no side is all good or all bad.

The whole Star Wars franchise kicked off as WWII In Space! But, since WWII, we’ve entered several conflicts where we (the U.S.) weren’t always in the right and the enemy wasn’t always in the wrong. There’s a TON of gray area in our conflicts now.

Anyway, this is all a very long way of saying that the OT’s understanding of the Light Side and the Dark Side isn’t well managed. As we saw with Luke at the end of VI, he let his anger, hatred and rage against Vader flow, but he didn’t become evil. He stopped himself, and realized that Vader was much more like him than he previously wanted to admit.

But, then in the PT, we see that the Jedi’s belief system is very lop-sided. They can NEVER let their emotions get the better of them. They have to be stoic, mindful, “celibate” (more or less), and detached from the world around them. They are encouraged to be compassionate, but not to love or become attached to people. This is a philosophy that isn’t going to fly well among modern audiences.

(EDIT: There’s a really great video Pop Culture Detective did on this very topic today. Linking to it here.)

Like with the War side, the answer is that we (the audience) are something in between. We do sometimes let our emotions get the better of us, which CAN be a bad thing sometimes, but not always (as “Inside Out” taught us, it’s unhealthy to lock certain feelings away). But, at the same time, most people aren’t evil and hate people so much that they want to destroy them.

So, the answer for The Force side of Star Wars is a balance: a coexisting of the extremes and the meeting of the two halves (Kylo and Rey). In TLJ, Luke’s big thing is that the Light Side WILL exist without the Jedi; and that the Force is ALL ABOUT A BALANCE: life/death, light/dark, heat/cold, peace/violence, etc. The Jedi is a RELIGION that used the Force, but there are plenty of other Force-users in this universe who aren’t Jedi or Sith (like Ahsoka Tano or Chirrut from Rogue One). The Gray Jedi can be the religious practice (the way of life) of Kylo and Rey. They can use both sides of the Force without being overcome by one or the other, by keeping them in a balance. I don’t know exactly how this would work, as I haven’t read TOO extensively into this topic, but I know it’s possible as I believe there were some Gray Jedi in the Legends Universe. I suppose it might be a bit like the Guardians of the Galaxy (another popular Disney property) – Kylo and Rey wouldn’t be all bad (because then they’d be evil) or all good (because then they’d be boring), but a little bit of both or something in between.

The happy ending to this entire saga isn’t about the Light snuffing out the Dark, the good guys killing all the bad guys, because the whole idea is that the Force and the world needs to be brought into balance. As much as we want the heroes to win, we also want the ending to be reflective of our human nature – both how we succeed and how we fail. This Gray Jedi ending would be reflective of that and bring the whole saga to a nice end.

I mean they wouldn’t have put a fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL in the Meditation Pool on Ach-To if the idea behind the trilogy wasn’t about bringing the Force into balance. I wonder if it’s a good thing Rey took those ancient Jedi texts, because maybe they hint at if/how the Ancient Jedi (not the ones in the PT) were more in balance in the Force than our PT Jedi were.

We see this nicely encapsulated into Rey and Kylo as characters. Rey who embodies the Light, but has plenty of darker tendencies (like getting mad, charging at Snoke in a fit of rage and aggression); and Kylo who embodies the Dark, but has plenty of lighter tendencies (like telling Rey to detach herself from her past and let it go). They are a literal fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL as people, side by side. But combined and intertwined… if you put a Yin-Yang symbol in wet paint on paper, and then mixed it together, what would you get?

A gray circle.

Gray Jedi is the answer, people. No question about it. At least in my mind.

Now, about the fight. Why do I think Rey and Kylo will have to wound one another and kiss?

Well, the draw/wound thing is something I stole from the Naruto universe.

For those of you who are unfamiliar… the main character Naruto (on the left) is very much the “light side” of his universe. His rival Sasuke (on the right, and who has a redemption arc similar to what we’ve seen of Kylo’s so far) is very much the “dark side.” There’s a point where they get sun and moon symbols on their respective hands, and each holds half of the same power source, although they manifest it differently based on their respective abilities/personalities.

Now, the entire series is built-up to this final showdown between the two. Naruto is not trying to kill Sasuke, but needs to stop him, because Sasuke IS trying to kill Naruto and bring an end to things/people Naruto loves. And, it physically ends in a draw. The two lose their dominant arms: Naruto loses his right; Sasuke, his left. Their wounds are a literal mirror of each other (see below). And in that shared pain, they find an understanding, and Sasuke decides not to kill Naruto but to come back over to the “good” side (more or less), to stop being a murderous asshole, and to start atoning for his crimes. (So, in a way, Naruto wins the fight on an emotional level, as he brings Sasuke over to his side.)

That’s very much where I see this Rey/Kylo thing going. There are so many parallels between these four characters and their respective arcs, it’s ridiculous.

With Kylo and Rey, each of them will be trying to kill the other so their respective side will win the War. A draw (with a major non-fatal injury) is the only way I see this fight ending in a way that will bring them into balance with each other and the Force at large.

Also, we’ve never had a movie lightsaber fight end in a draw before, to my recollection: Darth Maul killed Qui-Gon; Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul; Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan and Anakin (I guess he ran away from Yoda, so you might count that); Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan in the rematch and then Anakin killed Count Dooku; Obi-Wan injured/beat Anakin; the Emperor forced Yoda to run away; Obi-Wan allowed Vader to kill him; Vader beat/injured Luke; Luke beat/injured Vader in their rematch; Rey injured/beat Kylo; and there wasn’t really an actual lightsaber fight in TLJ.

It would fit the whole “balance” motif for neither to win or lose the fight, but instead the two come to an understanding and compromise.

Now. The Kiss.

Why do these two little fuckers have to kiss, IMO?

Well, do you all remember the Disney Channel TV Show “That’s So Raven”? The main character (Raven) is a psychic; and there’s an episode where she meets a male psychic. And, while they have 0 romantic interest in each other, there’s a point where they continue escalating their physical proximity/touching, because it allows them to better use their powers. There’s a point where they have to kiss in order to find Raven’s BFF and some other people.

And, as we saw with Rey and Kylo in TLJ, these two are oozing with sexual chemistry and Force power. I mean if they see each other’s futures whenever they touch hands, what the hell are they going to see when they kiss? (Or if they ever had sexy times… but this is a family-friendly movie, so that’s not going to happen on screen; the kiss is the closest we’re going to get).

I mean, c’mon you guys… everything we saw in TLJ is building up to them kissing and the Force coming into balance as a result of their combined lives/knowledge/destinies or whatever.

Also, as others have pointed out, they’re not going to kill off Ben Solo. The Skywalker family is too much of a commodity, and there’s so much possibility in leaving him alive and with Rey. I mean think of all the spinoff movies and TV shows we could have of them and their kids??? (EDIT: Just like how the Legends Universe focused in part on the kids of Luke, Han and Leia.) Rey is too well-loved by the fans to kill her off, and Ben/Kylo has gotten too much character development to not get redeemed. His kids with Rey would sell toys and tickets and subscriptions like crazy.

So, why do I think Ben/Kylo will proposition Rey, instead of the other way around (which would seem more natural)?

Well, in TLJ, each saw the other turning over to their side in a vision of the future. Rey says that Kylo won’t bow before Snoke and will turn, and she’ll help him. Kylo says that when the time comes Rey will turn and join him.

Now, from a physical standpoint, these visions were true after the Praetorian Guard fight. Kylo physically turned against Snoke and killed him, but emotionally was still attached to the Dark Side. Rey did physically join Kylo by his side in fighting the Guards but was still emotionally attached to the Light Side, or really, the Resistance. Neither ACTUALLY came over to the other’s side. Kylo didn’t want to join Rey politically, and she didn’t want to join him spiritually.

But now, they’re going to find that compromise where they meet in the middle both politically and spiritually. Kylo was right in TLJ: the old THINGS (political organizations, religious ways) should die, but Rey was right in that the PEOPLE should be saved. The only way to achieve both goals is to end the War, the FO, the Resistance, the Sith and the Jedi… and create something new. A compromise that works for everyone and brings the much-needed balance to the Force and the galaxy.

Each of them WILL join the other. Rey’s vision will have to be right that Kylo will turn from the Dark Side, and Kylo’s vision of her turning from the Light and joining him will have to be true as well.

So, like any proper proposal of marriage/political alliance/spiritual alignment, I think Ben should be the one to suggest it. That way, we the audience can see the fruition of his redemption arc, etc. (Also, we have to come full-circle on the Space!Mr.Darcy thing.)

Anyway, I’ve now rambled on about this for QUITE long enough. Just wanted to throw out some ideas and see what you guys think and if you have predictions of your own. (EDIT:) And, to quote Preston Jacobs, “I’m probably wrong about half of this.” There’s plenty of hints of where the franchise is going, but I’m sure there are some details I will have gotten wrong. Which is fine. This can be my headcanon for the next two years.

I guess there’s nothing else to say other than, “May the Force be with you, always.” Cheers, guys! And thanks for reading!

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