In a world where the insults you’ve been called that actually hurt you are branded on your body like tattoos, Five is pristine. Allison has less than ten from Luther and a fuckton from Ray, and they each have the exact same amount from her, which is close to zero. Sissy is pretty marked up but it’s nothing she can’t hide with a sundress; Vanya is so clean it takes her awhile to figure out all her marks are on her back. Ben has nothing, and is fine with that. Klaus has a couple of words on every limb. Diego’s skin is so marked up he wears long sleeves and pants year-round. Five breaks down in tears when he realizes some of his siblings’ marks are his own words.

TUA HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON AU

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the books/films) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: murder, war, violence, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Hiccup) Ben is an outcast for two things: one, his belief in achieving peace with the dragons; two, his relationship with Klaus. Klaus is his favorite person and queerplatonic partner, his more-than-a-friend-but-no-we’re-not-together connection. Ben’s tolerance, love for the madman has won him his own badge of outcastness, and his opinions on dragons is much the same - until he meets a sleek black dragon with shiny scales and silver spikes everywhere, a queen of her tribe, a lost soul, a dragon… a dragon who bows to Ben, and Ben alone.

(Astrid) Diego is a fierce warrior, celebrated for his many accomplishments as lead commander in the village’s army. He doesn’t particularly enjoy anyone’s company but his mother’s, Queen Grace, until she asks him to work with Ben, the dragon hippy, and Klaus, the crazy person, and he does anything she asks. He finds himself falling head-over-heels for Klaus, eventually becoming so whipped that he’ll do anything Klaus asks of him, even trust dragons. Klaus brings him to a ferocious beast with red scales and purple, black, and gold accents, holding two huge wavy black horns and completely black eyes, who can breathe an impressive amount of fire in an even more impressive range. The dragon does not bow to him, nor him to her, and he decides he likes her when she blasts an entire armada to smithereens beneath his hands.

(Tuffnut & Ruffnut) Klaus is the village madman, because he talks to himself all the time and can speak to dragons. Literally. They understand each other. It’s creepy. He loves Ben in a way he knows is unexplainable and discouraged, but it’s nonetheless there and Klaus will do nothing to change it. He’s incredibly sweet once you get to know him, which nobody does, and believes in his queen and people with all of his heart, though they have no such belief in him. He’s been on the run for a couple years, ever since defeating the legendary Cha-Cha in battle, which no one is supposed to be able to do. His dragon is covered in soft blues, each shade fading into another, with a spindly tail and sharp talons. Their gigantic wings carry Klaus high above the sky, their curled creme horns with golden accents there for him to grip whenever he needs, and he spends hours on their back, soaring above the clouds and shooting their white-hot fire at random rocks and branches. Diego loves him, to the shock of everybody, and Klaus loves him right back - even if falling in love again is a really, really stupid thing to do.

(Jack) Five is cold, bitter, and dangerous after being alone for forty-five years since his escape from the Handler’s dictatorial rule. Even then, he was only able to do so because he commands the king of the dragons, the one whose call they all listen to. She’s loved him since birth, and he’s chosen him right back. His dragon is fucking huge, covered in white and red and black scales, gigantic fangs and tusks with countless teeth within her mouth. He is covered in spikes, venom at their tips, and is incredibly stealthy to the point of complete silence, though her ferocious roar is enough to drive a man mad, or kill him. His hooked black horns and cutting grey eyes follow Five wherever he chooses to go, and when he asks her to fly him away, she does. The sex-changing dragon stays with him even now, as he wallows in his ice prison with only an ice statue named Dolores to keep him company, a perfect ghost of the girl the Handler killed in front of him so many years ago. He’d stay there for the rest of his life, truthfully - and probably would have if Klaus hadn’t shown up, demanding his help to save their family.

(Snotlout) Lila has grown up in the Handler’s hold, and only trusts Five as a result. He’s been banking on getting her out for years, as she longs for adventure and is quite the capable warrior, but every time she flies out to visit him she chooses to go back, fearing her mother’s wrath on Five if she were to find out where he’s hiding. Lila believes in trusting the dragons and treating them as equals, a few her mother most certainly does not share, as she wishes to dominate them into complete submission for an army of her own. Lila has managed to protect only her own dragon from that treatment - a sleek, beautiful thing with purple and black scales, accented silver and gold, and bright pink eyes with cat-like pupils. She has gills and short talons, thin wings made for gliding through the water easily, and white scales are scattered across her body, ones that glow in the dark. Lila will do anything for her dragon, and anything for Five, so when he asks her to work with the warrior queen Eudora to help save his family, she agrees without ever asking for a price.

(Fishlegs) Luther is a gentle giant, one who prefers to help his father Reginald rather than help tame dragons or fight like Reginald expects him to. He’s rather distrusting of dragons, scared of all those who are not his own - a soft and large blue and white beast with retractable talons and a mace-like tail, countless golden teeth and countless silver eyes, whose scales are smooth-looking but grainy to the touch and whose tears are jaded diamonds, able to cut through anything with enough force. Luther loves him, and only him, but still feels as if something is missing every time he looks across the empty seas into the great unknown. But he’s sure it’s nothing - that is, until Allison lands gracefully on their shores and holds her sword to Reginald’s throat, claiming the kingdom and, unexpectedly, Luther’s heart.

(Heather) Vanya prefers learning about dragons to fighting them, keeping to herself and refusing to wander too far away from her village. She makes instruments out of wood and often dances with her dragon, an entirely white creature with a thin body and thinner legs, who can turn invisible in the blink of an eye and fears water above all else. She enjoys his company, and Sissy’s too, but that’s about it. She’s not a fighter or a lover, though she can fight well enough and has learned to love well enough too - she would run away from it all if she could. Just fly off into the sunset on her dragon’s back and make maps of every new place she finds, but never stay. When her family is threatened, her chance finally comes - but no one can run from their destiny forever.

(Valka) Ray is a holy man, and his religion is the dragons. He’s a scholar and a wiseman, protecting their legends and secrets until the next person takes his place. (Probably Klaus.) He believes in and trusts the dragons without question, as they saved him from an attack by the Handler on his village, which killed all of his people. He lives with the guilt of failing them as a leader every day, but pushes through it, surviving through tense deals with Five and a flirtatious friendship with Allison, whom he often meets in the woods on new islands and speaks to freely. He aims to make her his wife, but hasn’t asked yet, though his dragon nudges him onto one knee every time they’re together, as if he couldn’t take a hint the first time - but god, he loves his dragon. A spindly green thing, so wise and warm, with warm and harmless fire and fans on the side of his head that unfurl when he’s curious, or angry. His eyes are golden and endless, his tongue forked and horns sharp; he can camouflage into anything and shoots spikes from all the way down his body when threatened, making him a dangerous yet gentle creature. Ray is just looking for a reason to start living again - and when Reginald falls and the Handler is weak, Luther comes running for Allison’s help, and he thinks it may just be time.

(Stoic) Grace is the chieftess of her village since she banished Reginald, her husband, for abusing their children. He stole Luther before she could stop him, and Allison and Five were lost to her in the chaos. She holds onto Vanya, Ben, Klaus, and Diego as well as she can now, with the understanding that they are grown-ass adults who can take care of themselves (except maybe Klaus). Diego is her most trusted guard and soldier, Klaus is her favorite healer and wiseman, Vanya is an exceptional artist and musician, and Ben is her beloved inventor, who she knows, once on her throne, will unite the lands together under peace and love, with Klaus by his side as always. Though Grace is gentle and kind, she is still feared by the other islands in the archipelago for saving and taming the dragons before anyone else. Her own is a terrifying large beast with light pink scales that can fade to white and back again, sometimes in polka dots if you ask nicely enough. She’s taller than everybody, lording over them with her gigantic wings and azure eyes, her silver and black talons sharp enough to cut a man in half. She bends to Grace alone, though she’ll allow her children if absolutely necessary, and Grace aims to bring her home back to the glorious thing it was once, before the man she thought she loved burned it to the fucking ground.

(Gobber / Gothi) Pogo is the village’s wiseman - very old, very cryptic, and very annoying except for that two seconds in which he says something useful. He’s crippled and deformed from so many battles over the years, remaining mostly isolated from society due to his appearance and distrust of people. He has remained loyal to Grace only because he loves her children, to whom and only to whom he gives his counsel. He houses a bunch of rainbow cat-like dragons, all covered in white feathers, who burp ice in the summer and fire in the winter. They’re all very helpful to an old man who can hardly walk, and soothe his loneliness with their ridiculousness. When their home is threatened by Reginald once again, Pogo sits back in his favorite chair and sighs - he’s ready to go.

(Merida) Allison is a brave warrior princess, one who became queen a few months ago after winning the throne in battle against the former king, the corrupt and cruel Leonard. She’s incredibly skilled with a sword and a bow, and rides her beautiful black and white dragon above the skies whenever she pleases. He has silver accents and bright blue eyes, always cold to the touch and sleek and fast in the wind, breathing ice bridges for her to cross oceans on. She’s been in love with Ray since the very beginning, and will accept his proposal when he inevitably asks (though it’s going so slowly she’s starting thinking maybe she should just do the asking herself), so it’s only natural that when he’s captured by the cruel king Reginald, she takes her entire armada and conquers his kingdom to win her lover back. She just doesn’t anticipate falling in love with Reginald’s son, Luther, who there’s something almost terrifyingly familiar about, almost as if they’ve met before… almost as if she’s loved him far, far longer than she can remember.

The Handler is cruel and vicious, having been trapping and torturing dragons for decades. She’s known across the earth for being responsible for unicorns’ extinction, having hunted them for sport and meat, despite killing and using unicorns for any such thing was illegal in the eyes of every god. She wears armor made of unicorn hide and dragon scales, and fights with swords made from dragon and unicorn horns alike. She’s unforgiving and brilliant, and has been looking unsuccessfully for Five (since he left some five decades ago after clawing her eye out in a gruesome battle in which she lost both her hands) from the top of her monstrous black dragon, covered in scars and the remnants of metal and wooden weapons, his cat-like silver eyes as sharp as his deadly talons, tail, and teeth. His fire is hot enough to melt the flesh off bones in an instant, and he’s served her well - she will have her vengeance. She will. Even if she has to burn down the whole of the archipelago to do it.

Reginald is a vengeful and cruel king, and has been long before Grace exiled him. He stole three of his children the night she banished him, but in the fray lost Five (he later learns to the Handler) and Allison (who ran from him and won her right to the crown in another kingdom). His only goal in life is to kill Grace and all their children - Luther last, of course, since he’s been useful. He’s caught Five plenty, but his boy has the king of the dragons on his side, and Reginald has already lost plenty of his body to that foul creature. He keeps a careful alliance with the Handler due to his unique systems of torture, which he designed for his enemies and tested on his children, earning her respect. Reginald’s dragon follows him closely, and is a terrifying thing to behold: a fearsome white beast with red accents and beady black eyes, incredibly fast and sleek with a mean grin and a strong grip, his huge wings littered with tiny rips and holes from so many battles. Reginald is nearly ready to enact his revenge on Grace when his daughter shows up on his shores and holds a sword to his throat with a grin.

Sissy is a healer who hates nothing more than confrontation. She’s a refugee here, hiding away with her son from her husband’s cruelty, who lives on Reginald’s island. She often travels with Vanya, adoring the princess despite her dislike of most people, but doesn’t trust most dragons, only making room for Vanya’s and her own, a gentle blue thing with ruffled scales and feathered wings who was made to fly beneath the waves. But Sissy can’t hold on to her forever - and one day, just above a smattering of sharp black rocks, she loses her grip and lets go.

Hazel would rather make peace than war, but has been a tireless warrior under the Handler’s rule for a long time, riding atop his green and brown forest dragon, whose muddy gold eyes are always half-closed. He hovers constantly without talons, his curled horns and soft scales having lost their shine after so many battles. Covered in white feathers, he is soft to the touch, and Hazel has dreamt of flying into the sunset, away from all the violence and pain, on his back for years. But his partner Cha-Cha is trapped here, and Hazel will be damned before he leaves her to fight for herself.

Cha-Cha is the best warrior this archipelago has ever seen - the only person who’s ever defeated her is Klaus, and that’s just because he’s got some freaky fucking magic on his side that she don’t. But no matter. She’ll get her revenge on him soon enough anyway for showing her up. Meanwhile, she’s stuck in the Handler’s hold, too precious an asset to let loose, and Hazel, her beloved Hazel, he’s going to leave her. He’s going to fly off into the sunset to be with that whore Agnes and leave her all alone here, but that’s fine. She’s not afraid to slice a bitch down in battle, especially not one who’s betrayed her - and she’ll have her dragon by her side as always. Made of bones and flesh like a zombie, half on half off and cut apart, with gaping black sockets for eyes and silent in even the quietest forest. When he bleeds, he bleeds plenty, and his blood is sticky black tar that drowns its victims slowly and painfully, scorching their skin all the way. No one’s ever fucking escaped her and her beast - except Klaus. Oh, clever little Klaus. Sensitive, soft, sick and soon-to-be-dying Klaus. Fuck him.

Agnes is a healer who cares for the dragons, working closely with Grace to keep them safe on their small island. She’s been exchanging letters with Hazel for years, trying to get him to come home with her, but he has connections under the Handler he says he can’t sever… no matter. Agnes is already halfway through her plan to get Cha-Cha out. Five and Lila are very helpful allies, when they want to be. And nobody would suspect a sweet old lady whose dragon is a mess of scars and stubs with only one wing, all bubbly and excitable like the hot pink color she is, her soft brown underbelly patched over and her pink speckled with rainbow scales. Her soft red eyes and ability only to cough out small little piles of ash would fool anybody… unless you were foolish enough to have her red eyelids open on you, blinking back azure blue to turn you straight to stone.

Dave died in battle against the dragons a long, long time ago. He was the first to try training them, but only one bowed to his hand - a deep forest green creature with soft amber eyes and beautiful dark horns, golden and creme fans that circled his whole head like a crown. He was agile and thin, covered in speckles of grey and brown, and in his chest there was a splatter of red scales that shone like blood. It was in the same spot as where Dave found himself shot through by a stray arrow, marking them soulmates in some sort of poetic fuck-up, and Dave’s death is what drove Klaus mad, as Klaus had never loved somebody else so much. His dragon, now blind, hangs around Klaus and sleeps curled around him sometimes, Dave’s impure soul forever locked inside the body of a scaly, fiery creature of never-ending beauty.

Eudora was born to the Amazons, and is the respected and unchallenged queen of her people. She’s an exceptionally brave warrior, one who has loved and been loved by Diego for what feels like a couple hundred years, the two bonded by their markings as life partners, if not in romance than in adventure. She fell in love with Lila years ago, when she started travelling to the Amazons for refuge or vacation, or sometimes healing for Five when he refused to see his own pain. Eudora has lived a full life, nearly dying a multitude of times, the most memorable of which being for Klaus, who now remains forever in her debt (his own words). Diego loves her all the more for it, having never loved another person or thing more than he has loved Klaus the mad one probably, and Eudora is gentle and kind in her adoration of them, strong atop the back of her dragon with the soft brown scales in fading shades whose horns are creme and accents are golden, their neck and fans long and glittering with sharp claws and a curled tail. Their eyes are swirling full of rainbows, and Eudora rules the world from their back, soaring across the sky forevermore.

HAUNTED HOUSE TUA AU

(this isn't even based on anything)

BEWARE: abuse, murder, violence, murder, supernatural things, i don't wanna spoil the rest so go in blind i guess, i made this whole thing up myself and i'm so fucking proud of it, please enjoy, love y'all :), <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3, etc.

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(this hits different if you listen to "Hotel California" by the Eagles, "Fear Of The Water" by SYML, "All Eyes On Me" by Bo Burnham, "Blood // Water" by grandson, and basically anything by Lana Del Rey while you read it)

(1692 - Salem Witch Trials) Vanya lived in the House first, it having been built by herself and her fellow settlers as they formed their colony. She and her husband, Leonard, were barren, which made Leonard abusive towards her. As a member of the council, he often was away during the day, and Vanya worked as a nanny for the pastor Carl’s family, taking care of their son Harlan while his wife Sissy ran the household. She and Sissy fell in love, and Vanya nearly revealed her magic to her, but then the trials began and she knew it would only mean death. The hysteria seemed to be dying down, with fewer and fewer women being accused every day. But then Leonard found out about his wife’s affair with Sissy and accused Harlan, who despite being a child had shown incredibly odd mannerisms and episodes due to his (at the time unknown) condition. Desperate to save him at any cost, Vanya took the blame for his symptoms, using her magic to shield him from any future persecution. She was found guilty, having already been an outcast amongst the people of the village, and while Sissy fought for her, Vanya forced her to repent, arguing that her words would only get both of them killed. Vanya kept her eyes on Sissy’s the whole way up to the gallows, up until they pulled the floor from beneath her feet. I love you, she mouthed as they released the lever, and smiled. As she died, her magic burst forth like lightning and promptly killed Leonard and everyone else who had sentenced her, except the judge who found her guilty, who was instead left weakened to the point of being bedridden. Vanya was the last “witch” tried, and the last one killed. Her house, upon her death, promptly disappeared from Salem without a trace, never to return. (Now, Vanya wanders its rooms, unable to let go of the guilt she feels of leaving Sissy and Harlan with such an angry, unstable man.)

(1776 - Revolutionary War) Luther came to America looking for new opportunities, and found them in the British military. When the war began, he felt caught on the wrong side of it - he believed in what he read about in those pamphlets by the Sons of Liberty Pogo would give him from his cornerstore. But Luther was British-born with no connections and nothing but his uniform to wear, so he could hold no conversation with a Yankee long enough to earn a position as a Patriot spy. Despite his marriage to an American-born woman named Stacey, no rebel wanted him, and so he went to war for the wrong side, writing letters home to Stacey that she never opened, because she left him for her French lover without giving him a second thought. While his strength and size made him fearsome to many, anyone who spent two seconds with him came to understand that he had a gentle nature and would obey if given strict orders, so he never made general and he never was a hero. He and his legion found the House on the outskirts of Boston, hiding there from the rebels’ guerrilla warfare - they were shot down without mercy from soldiers in the trees, and Luther bled out in the doorway listening to the groans of his dying enemies and the drunken, victorious cheers of his friends. The House had up and left before his body was even cold, blood still staining its floorboards. (Now, he haunts its ribcage for fear and regret, missing all the freedom he could’ve won and crying over the men he shot in the name of the wrong ideals.)

(1865 - Civil War) Allison was a slave on the plantation of Patrick, and he often sought her unwilling company, taking advantage of her until she had a daughter named Claire with him (who he of course never claimed). Patrick’s wife hated her for it, and often punished both Claire and Allison for her husband’s adultery, despite it being in no way their fault or responsibility. But Allison’s bright and fiery nature had already set her at odds with the woman, as she often spoke out against societal norms and even god himself, arguing about plot holes and contradictions in the bible to visiting priests and masters, earning her the moniker “devil woman” (which she of course wore as a badge of honor). She was gifted with herbs, and could fight, heal, and poison incredibly well, terrifying those who knew her. She could talk anybody into anything, almost like magic, and walked like somebody free no matter how many people tried to beat her down. She became good friends with Patrick’s sister, Natalie. Despite Natalie’s marriage to a man named Jamison and their sons Mattias and Alessandro, she and Allison fell in love, and those feelings remained even though they never had the chance to be together. Allison’s own husband, Ray, was a pastor amongst the slaves, but he was taken from her when Patrick sold him to another master in hopes of keeping Allison for himself. Furious, Allison began refusing him, and ran away the day she heard news of Ray’s death, the man she loved hung for inciting a rebellion. She took Claire with her, and would’ve run forever, but then Allison noticed people chasing them. Desperate to give Claire a better life, she sent her running in a different direction, and drew the hunters her way. She hid inside the House, a Quaker’s in the middle of Gettysburg’s woods as a station of the Underground Railroad. The kind man there said she could stay, and denied the hunters when they came looking. But they didn’t listen, hellbent on catching the famed devil woman, and they locked both her and the Quaker inside, burning them and the House to the ground. (She only found out after her death that Natalie had fallen ill and passed away, supposedly of complications surrounding her miscarriage. But the truth of it, Allison knows, is that Natalie’s heart broke the day Allison left the world, because Allison’s broke just the same.) (Now, Allison stays in the House waiting for Claire, whose fate she never learned. She just needs her baby girl to come home to her, then she can leave. Her baby girl, and then peace. Peace, at last.)

(1880 - Dorothea Dix) Diego was a patient in a mental institution, first because of the supposed danger he posed to people (they released him when they found out that he just looked scary and hadn’t ever actually hurt anybody) and then because he was discovered to be attracted to men. His wife, Eudora, was a nurse at the instution, and stayed with him even after he was admitted, though they separated when she fell in love with Lila, a fellow patient locked up for her serial killing (they still don’t know how many victims she had) and psychopathic tendencies. She spent most of her days in a straight jacket, and was Diego’s best friend - Eudora was admitted when her love for Lila was discovered, and held Lila’s hand every time she was freed of the straight jacket for a few hours, though Lila was often in extreme pain from the discomfort it took to remain in that position for hours. Diego was fiercely protective of both of them, on top of being quite insane himself - he was prone to violent outbursts and often made up mad hallucinations and stories that were actually true recollections of his life (not that they knew that), and often made conversation with a schizophrenic patient on the same floor. He could control anything he liked, so they could never bind or trap or do surgery on him, for fear of being torn apart by their own scalpels. They couldn’t even shoot him, because bullets didn’t touch him. So they left him in the care of Grace, the only nurse he’d listen to. When Lila and Eudora were killed, by electroshock convulsive therapy and a lobotomy respectively, Grace was the one who helped Diego escape out the window, from which he ran like hell. They chased him through Saxonville until he disappeared, turning up a few months later in the House. They tracked him down and managed to shoot him in the back as he tried to run, but he just removed the bullets by sheer will and lunged for them. Though many fell in the scuffle, those left managed to subdue him, tying him up and hanging him from the House’s ceiling. From there, they tried to shoot him again; he only redirected the bullets through his condemnors’ heads. He struggled and struggled in his binds for hours before finally succumbing to asphyxiation. (Now, he hides in the House in fear of his doctors and persecutors, malevolent from his rage about Lila and Eudora’s deaths, for which he still seeks a vengeance he can never have.)

(1918 - World War I) Five grew up an orphan before being adopted by an abusive father when he was eight. While he’d always had odd abilities, like the power to travel through time and space, he kept them hidden from everyone but his governess, Agnes. When the war began, his father signed him up as a fourteen-year-old even though Five’s thirteenth birthday had barely passed. Five, terrified, went off to war with only his pistol, Dolores, for company. He was trained rigorously out of any emotions by his general, and went to battle injured multiple times. His final battle came on an empty field that stretched for miles in Europe, with nowhere but the House to hide; staggering alone, the last of his legion, Five managed to make his way into the House, at least five bullet wounds on his person. Panicked and dying, he couldn’t use his powers, instead seeking comfort from a burned skeleton in the corner, calling her Agnes desperately and asking for help. After ten minutes of agonizing pain, Five used the last of his strength to lift Dolores and put a bullet in his own brain. (Now, he’s been wandering for forty-five years, unable to register that the war is over. He can’t move on from all the horrors he saw and committed, constantly running, constantly hiding, and constantly afraid.)

(1944 - World War II) Ben was a farm kid, living in the House in Kansas with his third generation family. They’d moved there after the Great Depression, his father still struggling to find work, and Ben spent most of his lonely days either with his sort-of-almost girlfriend Jill or his best friend. He often found himself shunned as an outcast for his incredibly progressive beliefs: interracial and queer marriage, women’s and POC rights, free healthcare, he believed in it all. To occupy his lonely hours, he often read books about the ocean and medicine, as he was born with an octopus-like monster in his chest for no fathomable or explainable reason. The Great Depression hit his family especially hard in part because they had paid for so many experimental treatments for him, hoping to fix both Ben’s monster and all of the medical problems it caused within him, feeding off his organs and blood. The treatments and the monster rendered him so frail and weak that even the most innocuous things would break or infect him, so he began to isolate himself inside, dropping out of his school. Only his best friend came to visit him. When the war began, his best friend began babbling about going to fight if only to find a good man to please him, but Ben found no amusement in the news, instead worrying about the new internment camps the American government had begun opening, stuffing them to the brim with little regard for their captives’ true ethnicities. All too soon, Ben’s fears came true, and the army came for them: they were dragged from the House without dignity, and Ben struggled so much he managed to break free from the soldier’s arms, dropping to the ground. He landed wrong and broke his arm, crying out, and then his head hit the ground twice as hard, killing him instantly. (Now, he haunts the House waiting for his best friend to come home to him, their souls incomplete without each other.)

(Every Time) Reginald was Klaus’ murderer. A vessel for an evil spirit, it murdered him as a child for no discernible reason, and afterwards buried the boy off of sacred land so he could not properly move on to the afterlife. Furious, the Native community that the child belonged to spent weeks trying to torture Reginald into telling them where the child was so they could bring him peace, but Reginald always refused. After a year of silence, unable force anything out of it, the Natives performed a ritual to rob the spirit of its body, though they still called it Reginald in the legends told of it after, remembering the greedy and cruel man who had summoned it for hope of fortune. They then trapped it in the trees surrounding a clearing, unaware that they were the very same trees where Reginald had buried the child Klaus, and so their spirits were forever entwined, unable to escape one another. Now, the House is infested with both of them, though Klaus is able to leave each lifetime because of his body, a privilege that Reginald will never again be able to have, trapped for eternity within the House’s walls. Matched in evil to Klaus’ good, it is malevolent and raging, forever straining against the walls it is caged within. Starving, it craves human souls to feed off of, like Klaus’, which was the brightest soul it ever bore witness to. Since then, it’s been torturing and preparing to kill every other soul it meets who comes close, meaning the other six:

Vanya, the witch it had judged and sentenced to death. Reginald had perished of a heart attack a week after Vanya’s death.

Luther, the soldier under its command. Reginald had been shot in the head by the men of Alexander Hamilton’s unit a day after Luther’s death.

Allison, the slave it had overseered. Reginald had been trampled to death by a horse three days after Allison’s passing.

Diego, the patient it watched over as warden. Reginald had been strapped into the electric chair and killed by Grace two days after Diego’s murder.

Five, the child it adopted for manipulative purposes. Reginald had been strangled by Agnes five days after Five’s death.

Ben, the child it killed on the steps of his own home. Reginald had drowned at sea, dragged beneath the waves by an unidentified serpent of a million tentacles, six days after Ben’s death.

And Klaus. The child it had killed as a full spirit, hungry for power and high off its newest vessel. Reginald had weakened to the point of near humanity, allowing the Natives to subdue it, four days after Klaus’ death.

It wants their spirits, their glorious, beautiful spirits, and it won’t stop until they give up refusing and give in. Klaus, knowing this suddenly, realizes that every single lifetime has been building up to this moment: he must destroy the House once and for all, or Reginald shall reign forevermore.

(1963 - Modern Times) Klaus is alive. (For now…) He used to live in New York with his lover Dave, but when Dave got AIDS, he became so weak they could barely go out anymore. They did once, to Stonewall Inn, and were attacked in the alleyway next to the bar trying to walk home. Too sick to defend them, Dave fell to the bigots’ blows, and Klaus ran for his life, leaving Dave to die. Klaus found out the next morning from the newspaper that Dave had died of the assault, and carries that guilt with him every day. Desperate to escape his grief, Klaus started a cult based in his unexplainable and disprovable psychic powers, earning the press’ fascination. There, he went crazy on drugs and alcohol and yet still remained kind, known to be bright and funny and gentle no matter what life threw at him. His eyes always twinkled and he was always grinning: the way one follower put it, Life has done nothing but defeat him and still he smiles and greets it with open arms. His whole life, Klaus had dreamed of the same six people, people he’s sure he’s never met and yet who he knows as well as himself. When one of them tells him to come home to them, Klaus becomes spooked, and abandons his cult to themselves, leading them to scatter and commit horrifying atrocities all across the country in ill-fated attempts to lure their “saviour” back to them. The federal government now got involved, sending top CIA agents Hazel and Cha-Cha after Klaus to bring him in to help them control the situation. Terrified, Klaus stole a car and booked it out of New York, finally stopping for the night in the middle of the woods. He set his car on fire and conjures up a strong army of ghosts to protect him as he wanders through the forest looking for shelter. Eventually he finds the House, sitting inconspicuously beneath the moon, and walks towards it, feeling an odd sort of pull between him and it. The moment he touches the door knob, he’s assaulted by the legend of it, the legend of himself: a baby of a Native American tribe, murdered before one and buried off sacred land, his soul tying itself to the trees surrounding his unmarked grave. Those trees were hacked down and stacked into a house, a house he’s been tied to ever since, and the House whose other dwellers all tied themselves to it by sealing their deaths there, whether they died directly within it or not. Walking inside, he sees all at once his six dreams in front of him, all staring, and as he meets each of their eyes, remembers them all and every single life he’s ever lived, trapped with this demonic house:

Vanya, his fellow witch and the woman who offered him somewhere to sleep despite him being the village crazy man. Klaus had burned before her, condemned for cursing the entire council for their witch hunts and conjuring up the whole fucking graveyard to haunt them.

Luther, his friend when he played the part of a Revolutionary spy, earning information from Luther’s lips with a few well-placed smiles and wink-accompanied words. Klaus had been hung when he was found out, in front of Luther, who upon the British soldiers’ realization that Klaus’ neck had not broken enough to kill him quickly, ordered Luther to shoot him until he was dead. Luther, shaking, met Klaus’ eyes, who nodded and smiled. Luther closes his eyes and pulled the trigger four times.

Allison, his friend who he conversed with hastily in the kitchens whenever he’d come by for business with Patrick, always a bright spirit who would make inappropriate jokes at Patrick’s expense that made Allison laugh. Klaus had been lynched by an angry crowd upon climbing up on top of the bar and loudly and drunkenly announcing his intention to join the Union cause, dragged to his death by the same furious maggots who would one day drag Allison to hers.

Diego, his lover who he met in the asylum, marked schizophrenic himself for his conversations with the ghosts. Klaus had been trouble, challenging the warden nearly every day. Any time they tried to “treat” him, he’d summon ghosts from all around and scare everybody to the point of submission, spending all his days with Diego when he could. One day, Klaus had broken into the doctors’ medicine stash and taken nearly it all before dumping the rest out the window, then following it from three stories up and shattering into blood and dust.

Five, his fellow soldier who he sang lullabies to when it was late at night and Five was too terrified to sleep, needing Klaus to hold him and card his fingers through his hair. Klaus had been devastated to leave his “little one” alone, but would’ve been even more devastated if Five hadn’t made it home from war. So when Five had accidentally stepped on a landmine, quickly in tears once he realized what it meant, Klaus overtook the pressure for him and kissed him on the forehead goodbye, telling Five to run. Though at first the kid refused to leave him, Klaus eventually managed to convince him, and Five left to find the rest of their legion. But he kept looking back, so Klaus waited until he was out of sight to close his eyes and lift his foot.

Ben, his first love, so to speak. They had been best friends, the two of them, and teetering on the edge of something more - you kids these days might call it queerplatonic partners. Klaus had watched him die, held back by American soldiers as he screamed and screamed for them to let Ben go, let him go, let him go go go GO! When Ben had fallen, Klaus had gone apeshit, releasing a savage cry of despair and raising nearly a thousand ghosts at once, charging at the soldiers in his rage. Panicked, they all shot him at once, and he convulsed beneath their bullets even after he’d died, stock-full of them to the point of bein’ half lead.

Klaus lives with them for a few months, trying to save them from their unfinished business, but it’s no use. Everything they are is rooted in past mistakes, and he can do nothing more to help them than he can to help himself. Realizing his spirit is tied to the House, and therefore tied to his original murderer, Klaus completes a ritual to cleanse the House of all its spirits, both benevolent and malevolent, all forty-three that Reginald ever stole, as the sirens close in. The ghosts, his ghosts, go careening back into the afterlife at full speed, and Klaus crumples onto the pentagram, spent.

His body is found within the hour. His cause of death is marked unknown. The truth is never told.

(Don’t worry. They like it that way.)

In 2019, the world ends. Forty-three children rise.

TUA DISNEY AUs: Big Hero 6 (Pt. XVIII)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, corruption, mental health issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms, suicidal ideation, death, grief, violence, basically i took the sad montage after Tadashi dies and just kept going with that except without the whole "getting better" thing, sorry, my bad, enjoy anyway i guess i don't know, bye, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Hiro) Vanya hasn’t much of a head for science - not since a gas explosion in her childhood apartment killed her parents and exposed her to radiation, leaving her brittle-boned and sickly. She spends most of her days holed up in her room, reading and writing about every little thing she sees and hears and feels. There’s this cat in the alleyway she feeds sometimes, and her friend Ben who comes by to see how she is every few days. The only time she goes out is for school, or bot fights down in the bad neighborhoods. At those she gets to see Ben, and his partner Klaus and his friend Diego. Oh, and Sissy - the beautiful, shy punk girl who spins the records in the corner store. Vanya lives what she considers a pretty average life - until Ben dies, she screams, and all the windows around her shatter from nothing.

(Tadashi) Ben has been a science nerd for years, spending hours in the libraries and labs researching every little thing that catches his fancy. His partner, Klaus, has no such interest, having more of a head for poetry, but Ben loves him more than life itself - especially since Klaus was the only person who stuck with him when one of his experiments went wrong a few years ago, resulting in tentacles that are prone to ripping out of his chest when he’s angry. And since he loves Klaus so much, he spares not a second thought to running back into a burning building to get him back, even when it means certain death. And Ben knows you can’t bring back the dead - he tried when Klaus’ beloved boyfriend Dave died in a gunfight a few years back. Once you’re gone, you’re gone - or so he thinks until he wakes up and Klaus starts crying and muttering, You’re here, you’re here, you’re here, I did it, I did it, I did it - and Ben reaches out and thinks, Oh, no, sweetheart. You didn’t.

(Honey Lemon) Allison was engaged to Ray before he disappeared, but even after that failed experiment lost her the love of her life, she continued to work for the forward movement of science and kept her vow of love to Ray. Using her research, she managed to create a pill that allowed her to bend reality, hoping to bring back Ray. Though she couldn’t raise the dead - no amount of I heard a rumor Ray was alive again worked - she won herself other advantages with her newfound powers, including sponsors, knowledge, opportunities, and protection. Klaus, Diego, Five, and Ben are her only true friends in this world - and she nearly loses all of them when Ben dies, drowning in their grief. When Luther, one of Five and Ben’s passion projects starts hanging around to monitor their mental health, Allison finds a new kind of love - deep, ever-lasting friendship that she’ll never give up. Even when they have to leave him behind on the moon after they save Ray, she doesn’t let him go - she finally knows how to speak up for what she wants, and speak up she does: I heard a rumor that Luther came back to me.

(Fred (actually a mash-up of Honey Lemon and Hiro though to be honest)) Klaus is a starving artist and poet, and he's covered in tattoos of his own words and drawings. Diego is too, because Diego loves him, and Klaus wants to love him back and probably does already, if he’s really honest with himself, but he’s not ready yet. Dave happened too soon ago. And then there was a fire, and Klaus was running around outside, looking for Ben, looking for the platonic love and light of his life, and he saw him run inside screaming Klaus’ name and never come back out. And he lives with that guilt every day, smoking and drinking all the bad shit again in an effort to just forget, forget, anything goddamn anything to forget, and he goes crazy. People forget, because he’s not a student at their nerd school and because he acts like a dumbass, that Klaus is actually just as much a genius as the rest of them, and whatever he wants, he can get without much trouble. So what if he can’t bring back the dead? He won’t live without Ben, he won’t, and he won’t leave Diego - which leaves only one option, really: find a way to make himself see ghosts.

(Wasabi) Diego lives a charmed life. Truly. He’s almost been assassinated fifteen fucking billion times, his two best friends are robots, and he’s in love with a person too sad to love him back. See, Diego’s skills brought him to the military’s special attention - he found a way to make weaponry that doesn’t obey the laws of physics. He keeps it as secret as he can, and will sell it to nobody, but millions of people are still after it. It’s not until one of the assassins almost nails Klaus with a bullet and Diego kills her with a store-bought kitchen knife without moving that he realizes the weaponry he created isn’t special, but Diego is. From then on it’s nothing but trouble - because Klaus likes to dumb himself down, but he can’t fool Diego, and so when he starts screaming at empty air and calling it Ben, Diego isn’t surprised in the least, though maybe he should be. Instead he just sighs, opens his arms, and lets a sobbing Klaus fall into him, loving him more than he did yesterday and less than he will tomorrow. Diego has his home, and he has his people, and he has his powers - and he will defend them to the fucking death.

(Gogo) Five is bitter and grumpy, living off coffee and perpetually crazy. He’s brilliant enough to have done surgery on himself, implanting an AI pacemaker in his heart named Dolores from an accident that nearly stripped him of everything, his life included. He was born with special powers, both of which fuelled his fascination with science, but he keeps that secret close to his chest - he’s seen what people do to Diego and Allison, and he has no interest in that. He’s close with the others, somewhat, though his impassable genius makes it difficult for people to understand him - Diego gives him piggy back rides and he often falls asleep curled into Klaus’ side, and Allison gives him rides home and Ben builds robots with him. But as hard as he finds it to connect with them, it’s even harder to lose them - so when he realizes he can use his time travel powers to save Ben, he doesn’t hesitate. And then he’s dying in Klaus’ arms, and he’s watching as his favorite person in the world chooses to lose the love of his life all over again to save Five, and something deep inside him changes.

(Baymax) Luther is a medical robot, built by Five and Ben in their spare time. There are some videos in him, mostly of Ben talking to Klaus because Luther was meant to be a gift for Klaus to help him with his depression, anxiety, PTSD, anorexia, and addiction, etc.. Five adds grief counseling to his programming and gives him to Klaus on his first birthday after Ben’s death, making Klaus dissolve into tears. While Luther clashes with Diego, who hates him for surviving where Lila didn’t, they get along well enough to appease Klaus, because Luther knows Klaus loves Diego and Diego knows Luther helps Klaus. When they travel to the moon to get Ray, Luther winds up stuck there, unable to get the others home if he doesn’t stay behind. Klaus and Allison both have trouble letting him go, but Klaus forces Allison to come home with him, crying as he leaves Ben for the third and final time. When Allison brings Luther back, his videos still intact, Klaus touches Ben’s face on his chest and cries, cries, cries.

Lila is a malfunctioning masterpiece, and Diego’s best friend. He made her as a help robot, but she’s a prototype, and was rejected for her proneness to violent outbursts and catatonic episodes. She’s easy to manipulate, as Diego never bothered to fix her security protocols, but it’s not like there’s anyone else who talks to her - except Five, and he’d never touch her programming without Diego’s explicit permission. She sleeps at Diego’s house, in her charging station next to Eudora’s. Lila knows robots can’t feel love, so that isn’t what she’s feeling - but her wires are tied to Eudora’s in some way, she just knows it. They’re two halves of the same code. But she never gets to explore that link - she burns away to nothing in the fire that destroys the Handler’s minions, using the last of her strength to save Five from the flames. She hopes, when Diego finds his baby brother curled in her charred corpse, that he’ll bury her in the rain, and keep on living without her well enough.

Eudora is a suicide-prevention robot. Seriously. That’s all she’s here for. Ben and Diego built her together for Klaus specifically, programming her with some of his favorite jokes and references so she’d have an easier time talking him down from the edge when one of them can’t be there. She’s programmed to instantly call Ben, Diego, Five, or Allison immediately if she finds him doing dangerous things, like playing with Diego’s knives naked. (It happened one time. Seriously. True story.) She’s calm and gentle, unruffled and kind, and Diego often spends hours talking to her, because she may be programmed for Klaus but she can still help anyone who needs it. He nearly looses her to Cha-Cha, but Klaus saves her just in time, beating Cha-Cha to a steaming hunk of scrap metal with a baseball bat for trying to hurt his best (robot) friend. She’s not saddened by Lila’s death, per say, she can’t be… but when she’s downloading databases on panic and anxiety attacks for Diego and Klaus, she makes sure to save some on insomnia for herself, too.

Sissy is a botfighter, one who dresses in a black and magenta punk aesthetic to fend off strangers, too shy for the world. She messes around with Vanya, the two of them often dancing in the rain and finding joy in the small moments, but happily ever after was never in the cards for them. Sissy lives with her abusive boyfriend Carl and has their son to take care of, an accident from too many beers - when Carl murders her in a drunken rage, it’s less of a surprise and more of a solemn inevitably. Her son, Harlan, is placed in Vanya’s care, and Vanya travels the world with him, telling him everything about his mother she knows. It’s a bittersweet ending, but a hopeful one too.

Ray was a student at the nerd school before he became a therapist, using his incredible mind-healing technology to help people all over the world. Allison fell in love with him quickly, easily, and the two were engaged before the year was up, planning for a spring wedding in which Klaus would, obviously, be the flower girl. But when he was offered the chance to go to space as a therapist for the other nine people on the mission, he jumped at the chance, bidding Allison goodbye and heading to the moon. But something went wrong and he was lost to the world, along with the other nine astronauts, all of whom died when the ship crash-landed. Ray has been in a coma for years there, having been knocked out in the explosion, and remains that way until Luther brings him home, Allison having come for him at last. (When he’s well enough to, he takes care of Five, Klaus, and Diego, whose mental states have been steadily declining for years. Their robots are brilliant, of course, but there are some things you just need a human for.)

Reginald is the dean of the nerd school and also an asshole. He has a habit of killing students when they get in his way, or to steal their inventions as his own - and he gets away with it too, because he’s at the forefront of memory technology and quite literally erases these people from existence so nobody comes asking questions. Plus he’s got connections in the government that destory any records he needs destroyed. He had a couple of kids he wanted to get rid of the night of the showcase, and started the fire to make it seem like an accident - well, Ben actually was an accident, he wasn’t on Reginald’s hitlist, not yet, but whatever. It is what it is. What Reginald doesn’t anticipate is Klaus - because nobody ever anticipates Klaus - and so he thinks nothing of it when he confesses to Ben’s murder in his monologue in front of all his former students. He can just erase their memories later. Or so he thinks, until Klaus lets out a savage war cry and lunges forward to strangle him, killing him in cold blood without a second thought, and so is the end of Reginald Hargreeves. (Five takes the fall for his murder - not that it matters. Diego and Klaus break him out and the three of them disappear, never to be seen again - at least, not until Allison’s done manipulating every single person in the world into forgetting it ever happened on live TV.)

The Handler is Reginald’s finest invention: a flawless AI in a perfect human body. Problem is, she became bored of being his servant years ago and took over his life, blackmailing him into doing whatever she wants. Most of the killings are still his idea, and Ben certainly wasn’t her fault, but it’s the Handler who wants Five dead, and it’s the Handler who sends her reject minions after him. She wants Eudora dead and she wants Klaus deader, but she gets neither - Five finds her and hacks her into little tiny pieces, putting all of them in a fire and then shoving those ashes into an Iron Maiden, dropping the Handler to an inescapable grave. Fuck her “life”.

Hazel is a teddy bear with a security camera in his stomach. He sits on Agnes’ counter in her donut shop, just watching the goings-on even though nobody ever steals anything there. Mostly he’s held in the lap of Five, who comes into Agnes’ whenever he doesn’t want his friends to see him cry - over a failed invention, Klaus’ most recent suicide attempt, Lila’s death - whatever, you name it. Agnes takes care of him, making him milkshakes when he asks for coffee, and eventually sends Hazel home with him, asking him to take care of Five for her. He doesn’t know it’ll be the last time he ever sees her - two weeks later Agnes is killed by Reginald and her donut shop is ransacked by looters. Her memory lives on in Hazel and Five, who rebuilds and reopens the shop with Klaus and Diego and Allison after a couple years, renaming it for Ben and living on despite his grief, and Hazel sits on the counter again, watching the sunset through the glowing windows.

Cha-Cha was supposed to be one of those “oh-hey-we’re-not-racist-anymore-we-make-black-dolls-too-see?” Barbies. She ended up with a rather experimental kid who enjoyed robotics and horror films, resulting in Cha-Cha: an AI in a Barbie with chainsaw arms. She kidnaps Klaus under the Handler’s orders, as he’s a connection to Five (who the Handler wants to kill) and Ben (who’s the only connection to Reginald and the Handler’s murders). This backfires spectacularly, of course, when Eudora and Diego come for him: Cha-Cha goes for Eudora’s throat and Klaus breaks himself free of his binds and beats her to smithereens with a baseball bat.

Leonard used to hang around Vanya, just generally assaulting her and being a creep, until suddenly he disappeared one rainy Monday never to be seen again. His body was found rotting in a lake a couple years later. It was revealed later on that he had decided to and succeeded in making real-life replicas of the Five Nights at Freddie’s characters, and they hadn’t been too fond of him trying to boss them around. The Handler recruited the replicas later on for her own schemes, and they followed Reginald rather well, their appetite for people satisfied well enough. But Leonard remains the school legend, and a striking reminder to be careful what monsters you let live.

Grace is the queen of the Land of the Remembered, and you may be wondering what she’s doing in this story. Well, to put it simply - Reginald’s little games have been messing with her shit. There are perfectly kind and memorable people who have come down to her only to be erased in the Land of the Living within the week, leaving her no choice but to take them in as refugees, working out a deal with the Land of the Forgotten since they weren’t given a fair shot at their deserved afterlife. She takes care of Ben when he dies for the second and final time, appearing to assure Klaus he’ll be alright when he crosses over. This is when Diego finally learns the truth about his mom, who has always been home in time to make dinner and never missed a single milestone, and who is apparently also an all-powerful goddess. She gives him a hug and tells him his boyfriend is cute (He’s not my boyfriend.) (You’re holding hands, darling. You may be an oblivious idiot, but I’m not.) and then she heads off, though she’s always back with Ben for the holidays. (Not Lila, unfortunately. She has no jurisdiction over robots.)

And Hiro is ace-aro and he and Miguel are QPPs, and Honey Lemon and Wasabi are QPPs, and Fred and Wasabi are dating, and Gogo is an bisexual aro queen with a girl she likes to kiss in the back alleyways, and Hiro has two sisters named Violet and Boo and Tip is his ace-aro lab partner. You’re welcome.

TUA ENTERTAINER AU

(friendly reminder to remember that celebrities are people too! be respectful of and kind to them, both online and in person! ^-^)

(Talk Show Host) Vanya Blues is the host of a late night talk show called The Sleepy Show with Vanya Blues. She does what typical talk show hosts do - talks to her guests, makes up fun games, and brings attention to social issues. The staple of her show is that she plays violin for the last seven minutes, lulling her audience to sleep. Beyond her own show, she’s hosted events like the Emmys and the Oscars throughout the years, and often works with mental health support services, as her traumatic past of childhood isolation and abuse is well-known. She’s had a couple bouts of scandals, as her anger getting the best of her often leads to violence, but while these scandals tend to put her on hiatus for awhile, she always comes back stronger than ever. Though she’s not known to have many friends in the celebrity world, her favorite guests have her personal number: Luther, Diego, Allison, Klaus, Five, and Ben. As for her personal life, she keeps it intensely private - it’s known that she has a wife and a son, but nothing else. At least, not until Leonard, one of Vanya’s abusive ex-boyfriends and a paparazzi nut, manages to get some photos of Vanya with her kindergarten teacher wife Sissy and their son Harlan, whom they won in a court case against Sissy’s abusive ex-husband Carl. It would’ve been fine, if he hadn’t released them to the entire world - but he did, and now no one in Vanya’s family is safe.

(Rockstar) Diego Towblaerman is professionally known as “Batman”, a rockstar and teenage heartthrob beloved by the media. (He’s not a teenager, but all the people who wanna sleep with him are.) He always wears leather and black, except around pride month, when he can commonly be seen wearing shirts, jackets, pins, and other materials sporting his bisexual pride, as he’s been out since the beginning of his career. He’s rebellious and intense, but also pretty laid back and incredibly kind, known for conversing easily with any fans he comes across and helping out in the small places where he can. He plays guitar, plenty of different types and models, and also the drums and piano, though those spots in his band are filled by other people. Eudora is his pianist and second guitarist, and his adopted sister. She helps produce his music and manage his behavior, and their relationship and dynamic is well-loved by the public, especially as Diego often brings Eudora as his plus-one to award shows. Also in his family is his mother, Grace, who he often has lunch with and shouts out on social media, mostly about the orphanage she runs that he grew up in. (Unbeknownst to him or most of the others, all of the other six passed through that orphanage at some point in their tumultuous childhoods.) There’s also Lila, his girlfriend of a few years and his band’s awesome drummer. She’s as badass as Diego - she rides a motorcycle, can pack a punch, and heads a lot of organizations against sexual assault, since she grew up in a bad home in a bad neighborhood. (What people don’t know is that their relationship is a PR thing for both their benefits, and that Lila and Eudora have been together for nine years and Diego is married with two children. Best be keeping that out of the media, me thinks.) Lastly, though, is the mystery member of Diego’s posse - someone they only know as “Séance”, from the countless number of songs Diego has written about him. Love songs. All happy ones, too, and listed as tracks two and four on his albums. Now, there are only two clues as to who this person might be. One: Diego is rather impatient when it comes to assholes, and there are plenty of videos out there of him punching and cussing out people who harass him or his friends - but most notably is the viral, dark and blurry video of him having to be pulled off a guy by a bunch of shouting people, only one of whom’s voice is clear: a soft, sweet, scared, Gogo. No one saw who it was he was defending - Diego made sure to drape them in his own scarves and jackets and go out the back way, but there’s a soundbite from the same night of what sounds like two people sharing a kiss, Diego’s voice smiling around the words I’ll see you at home, baby, and the sound of a car door slamming. Lila, when asked, only smirked and answered that she was probably too wasted to remember this. The second clue, and perhaps the most interesting, is the sheer number of quote tattoos Diego has, none of which he will explain. Only a few people in the entire world know what the quotes are from - a shipping cult of fans on tumblr, only about a hundred of them, who all found and liked a post that pointed out that all of the quotes only have one thing in common, besides being forever embedded in Diego’s skin: they’re all the words of beloved comedian Klaus Hellbyes.

(Actress) Allison Charmors is known for being so kind and charming that no one has ever said no to her. She’s also a bit of media darling and nightmare simultaneously: they adore her, and all of her work with human rights organizations, but they’ve also had to deal with more of her troubles than anyone else they document. She’s often labelled a “maneater”, as her on-and-off relationship with Luther Monkman still follows her around, she and her first husband Patrick divorced and he got full custody of their daughter, and then she bounced around with a couple of other men. (And women too, but nobody else knows that. She wears pan pride colors sometimes, but has never outright stated or implied it beyond a couple of unfiltered jokes in interviews. She dated Natalie Portman once, if anyone cares.) Allison never settled down with anyone until Ray Chestnut came along - a BLM leader and proud LGBTQIA+ and Me Too ally. They met when Allison helped out at one of his demonstrations, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. The media is fascinated with their easy-going relationship and relentless work and support for and of minority groups, their most recent project being a protest against Islamaphobia. Everyone keeps waiting for them to fall apart, but it’s been five years and they haven’t yet. Also in Allison’s lane are Klaus and Vanya, the latter of whom she had a huge falling out with a couple years ago, though nobody knows what about. The two of them often cameo in the films she helps direct, most of them winning a multitude of awards. They’ve also been caught on video with her a couple hundred times, especially in all the scandals she’s been involved with where she’s assaulted someone for their racist and sexist behavior. But even with her history of assault, serial dating, and bribery, the public still adores Allison beyond belief - and so does her family, even if nobody really knows who that is. Most curious, though, is her history of film - she’ll only ever participate in trilogies.

(Comedian) Klaus Hellbyes is the comedian of his generation, and probably of the generation below his too. He’s famous for his dark morbid humor and NSFW improv jokes, and also for swearing consistently in live interviews on shows where you’re not allowed to swear. He has an odd fashion sense and rejects any and all gender roles, mouthing off at anyone who dares to comment on it. (He only ever paints four out of his ten nails, for some reason?) He’s known for his witty comebacks and scathing sarcasm on social media, and for being incredibly protective of others, especially teenagers who are targeted by trolls on online platforms. He runs a staggering number of pride organizations and does anti-racist work, often organizing pride events across the country for people who can’t be out to their families or communities. Beyond his social justice work, Klaus works to bring attention to mental disorders and trauma, especially in youth. He’s open about his own childhood, running from foster home to foster home and never being adopted, though he makes it clear that he made himself a family with a few very special kids along the way. He speaks publicly and often about his own struggles with anxiety, depression, anorexia, self-harm, PTSD, and suicidal ideation, always addressing any videos or accounts of him having panic attacks onstage, going out in short sleeves with fresh bandages on his wrists, and his ribs showing through his skin when he goes swimming. He’s taken hiatuses and spoken out in support and defense of other celebrities and people going through the same sorts of things, and makes it clear that his self-healing comedy has never been about the fame for him. He’s a good friend of Taylor Swift’s and once got drunk with Ed Sheeran, and he often goes on Vanya’s show to discuss mental health with her. While he often makes fun of the other six, he’s incredibly respectful in his comedy, as it’s never about his hatred of a person but rather his love for them. Whenever he speaks about social justice issues, he makes it clear that he speaks for his love of humanity as a whole rather than his hatred of any one individual. He’s admitted to being a huge fan of Diego, and has disclosed that they’ve met a few times, but is frustratingly vague about the circumstances of their friendship. Most people suspect they became friends at one of the many foster homes each is known to have been in. As well as his well-known friendships with Allison and Vanya, Klaus is known to hang around with Luther and Five, usually by getting ice cream and riding trains. Klaus’ two most famous relationships are complicated - there’s Ben, and there’s Dave. Ben is who Klaus has mostly lived with for the past eight or something years, the two of them open about being queerplatonic partners, though Klaus keeps having to explain what exactly that means to them and to the community as a whole, knowing that it differs for everybody. Dave, however, is who brought him into the public eye - Klaus met him in the army, and they were married in between tours. On one of those tours Dave was shot and killed, and Klaus has been open about his struggle with grief ever since, using Youtube as a platform for coping with his pain. He wrote a book about two characters based on them falling in love during the Vietnam War, which became a bestseller, and, on the third anniversary of Dave’s death, released the special that launched him to fame, an in-depth look at grief through a lens of comedy and appreciation for all the good moments shared between them. It’s become a staple of pop culture, and is still often quoted and referenced today, making Klaus one of the media’s most frequent topics of conversation.

(Author / Artist) Five di Sappears is known for his work across multiple genres, and the mystery that is everything about him as a person. His family, including his parents, is an incredibly well-kept secret, the only person known to be related to him being his sister Aidy, who Five has proven he will protect with violence if necessary. As a thirteen-year-old genius psychopath (not ACTUALLY), he’s a controversial figure, though his talent will never be denied. While he’s violent and aggressive, his horror and thriller novels have never failed to top the charts. While his sanity is questionable, his art is beautifully crazy and nonsensical without a single metaphor within it. While he’s proudly asexual aromantic and has gotten into physical and verbal altercations defending that, his romance novels published under the pseudonym Evipha Murdress are hailed as some of the most honest portrayals of love that literature has to offer. He can sing like fucking hell too, and is considered a trans icon, though he keeps his chosen name as much of a secret as his dead one, offering only the explanation that he fears for the safety and privacy of his family should it be released to the public. (His name is Aidan Alone, off the record.) Agnes is his kind and well-loved publisher (owner and founder of Donut Publishings! Books guaranteed to put a smile on anyone’s face!), and Dolores is his best friend/partner/comfort mannequin, which greatly confuses the public but doesn’t concern Five. She travels everywhere with him, and often cameos in the movies made off his books, and he’s gotten into plenty of fistfights over her. He doesn’t care if you don’t understand her importance, you don’t touch her. Hazel is his bodyguard and Cha-Cha is the main actress in his horror and thriller films, all of which are directed by the Handler, who produces his movies and likes to change the details behind his back no matter how hard he tries to make her adhere to what he’s written. Unfortunately, he can’t report or remove her, because she’s offered Hazel and Cha-Cha handsome salaries to hand over whatever information they know, including photos they’ve taken of when Five’s parents come to see how his projects are coming along. They blackmail him into silent fuming, but that all backfires soon enough - Five gets into a car accident in which he takes the brunt of the impact for Aidy, alerting the world to Klaus and Diego’s relationship and Five’s parentage when they come screaming from their cancelled events and into his hospital room, without concern for the millions of photos taken and only worry for their beloved son. No matter. Five will just kill anyone who dares to say a word. After all - those rumors that he writes his novels based on his own murders are not exactly unfounded.

(Influencer) Ben Deadengon is one of the most subscribed-to Youtubers out there, famous for his videos about human rights, kindess, and positivity. He often features Klaus as a guest, since they’ve lived together for a long, long time and are committed partners who like to help each other out, but those videos usually dissolve into them dressing up as pirates and princesses and improving stupid skits. (Not that anybody has any complaints.) He runs a lot of charities, which means that he has indeed met the President, and he’s one of the most beloved and scandal-free people on the Internet, though he’s often involved himself in Klaus’ controversial shit in defense of his partner. He’s been on Broadway and travelled the world, but his main claim to fame is that he was in an accident in which he died for six minutes before coming back to life, therefore earning him the moniker Six. Curiously, the moment he gasped out his second first breath happened exactly as Klaus touched him, prompting a lot of conversations and theories about them being soulmates or some shit, despite soulmates not actually existing (as far as they know…). But Ben’s happy with his life, as it is - he has an at-home butterfly garden (seriously, his windows are all screens and there’s plants and butterflies fucking everywhere, I’m not kidding) and a lovely(?) niece and nephew he gets to babysit when his beloved partner is out. That’s the good life, baby. Plus, ya know - he’s not dead. So that’s automatically awesome.

(Athlete) Luther Monkman is one of the largest men in existence, all of his muscle earned in his rigorous training for the Olympics. He’s won one gold medal every time the tournament comes around, and he plans to keep on doing so. So does Reginald - his abusive trainer and professional cheater. Luther also works with Pogo, a kinder coach who tells him to always believe in himself, but is also frustratingly defensive of Reginald’s horrifying practices. But Luther himself is well-loved - he’s awkward and handsome enough to be a teenage heartthrob, and he’s been single since Allison left him for the last time, though they’re still good friends. He’s known as a gentle giant, having lunch with Klaus and Vanya often and enjoying a bickering and competitive yet loving relationship with Diego. He’s completely free of media scandals, a complete sweetheart - until he’s caught on video choking a guy against the wall, and shit hits the fan. (Nobody cares about Five in the background of the video, standing behind Luther with his fists clenched and his Adam’s apple bobbing under bruises.)

Welcome to my world, bitches.

TUA DISNEY AUs: Alice In Wonderland (Pt. XV)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, manipulation, war, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

this is so much better if you picture Five in the iconic blue dress and knee-high striped socks and Mary Janes with the bow in his hair, but also with a scribbled-on-in-black-and-red baseball bat named Dolores thrown over his shoulders with his hands hanging over it and pink bubblegum in his mouth if somebody could draw this for me I would be so incredibly grateful you would not even believe how much

(Alice) Five discovers Wonderland completely on accident, wandering through the mirror in his sleep. He’s grown up as a girl in straight-laced nineteenth century society, and he loves Wonderland for the boy’s body it gives him so long as he’s within its borders. Soon enough he’s coming to Wonderland’s wartorn landscape every day, armed with bubblegum, a blue dress, and a baseball bat named Dolores resting on his shoulders. He thinks maybe he was born to be mad.

(Mad Hatter) Diego went missing in his hometown when he was young, and became a wanted vigilante not long after. He got trapped in the mirror a few years ago, and is honestly fine with that, drinking tea all day and practicing his knife skills on the passive-aggressive flowers by the gate. Five recognizes him from the missing and wanted posters from back home, though he dresses now in oddly colored rags and crazy top hats and has this amber glint in his eyes that suggests a rather alarming lack of sanity. He’s covered in scars from the Jabberwocky, and tattoos that mist off his skin like poisonous gas, killing anyone who dares to touch him - except Klaus, who he’s so madly in love with he just might die for it.

(March Hare) Klaus has been here his whole life. Born in Wonderland, he can shapeshift into a march hare, and used to work in the White Queen’s court until she died, at which point he left in his grief over his best friend Dave, a white card guard killed by the Red Queen at Grace’s funeral. He stays with Diego, terrified of the war tearing apart his beloved home, and they share a bed, having been lovers since their teens. He steals Diego’s clothes all the time and smokes too much of the magic dust in the flowers that surround their house, which makes him a bit spacey and hysterical. But Diego loves him, and is willing to leave Wonderland to travel reality with him - except Diego’s trapped here until the Jabberwocky dies, bitten too many times and tethered to the world until the thing keeping those tethers breaks.

(White Queen) Allison took over as the White Queen when Grace died, murdered in battle by the Jabberwocky. She trained as a knight for many years under Eudora, and is therefore a well-respected warrior throughout her kingdom, though she’s sad from her mother’s loss and often hides away in her castle instead of venturing out to see people. Agnes is a healer in her court, and she welcomes Luther into her home whenever he needs it, but other than that she’s lonely. She’s been begging Klaus to come home for years, but her brother refuses, terrified of the war raging across their beloved land. She steps into a grandfather clock one day to hide away, and meets Ray, whom she falls deeply in love with. She continues to visit him many times after that first meeting, unable to let the past go… and isn’t awoken from her fantasies until Five comes kicking through her palace doors with Klaus and Diego, claiming them as his parents and asking for a chance to challenge the Jabberwocky in her arena.

(Red Queen) Vanya has isolated herself since the accident that reawoke her powers. She’s angry that her sister is the one who gets all the love, especially since they both had the same abusive piece of shit father. Leonard is her head guard and Lila is her loyal knight, and Hazel and Cha-Cha watch over her beloved Jabberwocky, which keeps unwanteds off her palace grounds. She spends most of her days in her garden of talking flowers, two of which are named Sissy and Harlan, both of whom she loves. Klaus talks to her through the gates some days, and her guards can never seem to catch him - one of these days Vanya’s gonna chop his head off herself. Look, it’s simple really: all she’s ever wanted is for Allison to love her. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that Allison always has.

(Cheshire Cat) Ben was a human once, stuck in an asylum at five years old for his delusions of what he claimed was a red string that tied him to every mirror in the world. He finally met the other end of the string when Klaus came through one of the mirrors and took him to Wonderland, where the two were inseparable. Humans aren’t supposed to stay in Wonderland too long, but Ben has spent over twenty years here, gradually deteriorating him into the ghost of himself he is now. He disappears often, but is never far from Klaus, as the two of them are soulmates and can speak to each other telepathically even when they’re in separate worlds. He sacrifices what’s left of his body to save Klaus from the Jabberwocky, but Klaus carries their string into the real world, and Ben is reborn as a full human again from the love he and Klaus have always shared.

(White Rabbit) Luther is late all the fucking time, and therefore has a personal vendetta against Ray for constantly fucking messing with his clocks. As he was born to Wonderland, he can shapeshift into a white rabbit, and often follows Allison around holding on to her skirts. Though he relentlessly fights with Diego, he genuinely cares for him, and by extension Klaus and Ben, who both help him loosen up and find the joy in life beyond his anxieties. When he meets Five, he comes to care about him like a little brother, and helps him and his parents through the portal to the real world so they can sail off into the sunset to travel the world forever more.

(Time) Ray is time itself, and he refuses to change anyone’s story. He’s been assaulted and stalked by plenty of people hoping to fix their pasts, but he’s never given in, and he doesn’t plan to. His only amusement is messing with Luther, whose clocks he fucks with. He tries to live a life of complete isolation, mostly to keep from being tempted to mess with the timeline for anyone, but he falls for Allison against his most desperate wishes. There’s only person he’s ever considered changing the past for - and that’s Klaus, who is the most lost person Ray has ever met - and he lives in Wonderland.

(Red Knight) Lila is tasked with riding the Jabberwocky into battle as the red knight. In her rusty armor, she often battles the White Knight, and has fallen very much in love with them through disastrous rounds of flirting while trying to stab each other through the abdomen. In order to work off her frustrations, she used to sleep with Diego, but since he left her for Klaus, she’s been fighting with him constantly, though she still loves him. When she meets his adopted son Five, the new little weirdo who’s got as strong a kill record as her in just a few weeks, she grows oddly attached to him and switches sides to protect him, nearly paying for it with her beloved White Knight’s life.

(White Knight) Eudora was a sea captain in the real world before her bisexuality and raving about her missing brother Diego landed her in an asylum. From there, she travelled into Wonderland through the mirror in her tiny tiny bathroom, though she slipped on the sink on her way inside, leaving a long scar across her right eye. Because of this, she tries to never show her face if she can help it, wearing her armor everywhere unless she’s absolutely sure she’s alone. No one has ever beaten her in a sword fight, which comes in handy when she’s fighting the Jabberwocky, which she eventually beheads in the name of her brother. Though she swore her loyalty to the White throne and its queen, her true loyalty lies with Diego, whom she betrays her sacred duties to save.

(Absolem) Pogo got to Wonderland from the zoo’s bathroom mirror, having escaped his monkey cage at three a.m. and booked it outta that hellhole. Now in Wonderland, he can speak as well as any human, and uses that gift only to give cryptic and useless advice that fucking nobody wants from him. He smokes too much and keeps secrets, which is the only reason anybody fucking keeps him around anymore - well, that and the fact that he maintains the mirror, and has sole control over its activity. He once locked it for a hundred years during a period called the Dark Days, and probably would’ve kept it so if Klaus hadn’t annoyed him with so many questions about where his stupid red string went.

(Jabberwocky) The Handler came through the portal first at the beginning of the Dark Days, trapping herself in ageless Wonderland for a hundred years. When she reemerged, she had become so vain from her perceived immortality that she could barely see past her reflection. She married a poor widowed man named Reginald, who had a daughter named Aidy, though the annoying bitch insisted she was a boy named Aidan, or Five. Fed up with her antics, the Handler tried to force her way back into Wonderland for the worry-free immortal life she had come to so dearly love, but the mirror tried to spit her back out, appalled by her selfish desires. She forced her way through, but at the cost of her beauty, transforming into the hideous beast known as the Jabberwocky. In this form her only joys are devouring the meek who dare to challenge her - she fears nothing and no one, bitter and angry beyond all measure and reason, and would do anything to break herself from her chains and burn Wonderland to the ground for what it did to her. But just as she’s ready to try, Five appears in her arena, looking all too much like the boy she’s always insisted she is - but that would mean the Handler was wrong about her. And the Handler is never wrong.

TUA MEAN GIRLS AU

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, bribery, immoral deals, bullying, homophobia, outing, transphobia, violence, abortion, teen pregnancy, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Regina) Five is the king of this school, and he has no plans to give up that position. He needs it to protect his people, as few and far between as they are, and himself, if he’s honest - he’s a trans and ace-aro kid in platonic love with the health class mannequin who he calls Dolores. Ruling with fear is basically all he can do. While he’s mean, you’ll soon realize that everything he says is more of a blunt observation that will improve your life if you just heed his advice. He doesn’t respect almost anybody - not the jocks, theatre geeks, nerds, cheerleaders, band kids - no one. However, if he does respect you, you have his trust and protection. And as a thirteen-year-old genius who only takes advice from always-slightly-drunk art teacher Agnes, his protection is pretty damn valuable: the last person who tried to hurt one of his people will never walk again. Leonard Peabody - he assaulted Vanya, and he paid. Five beat him to the point of hospitalization without getting a single speck of blood or bruise on himself, and Leonard’s the one who walked away in handcuffs. Do not fuck with any of Five’s people, or you have to fuck with Five. And you do not want to fuck with Five.

(Gretchen) Vanya is quiet and subdued, to the point where people question how she’s a part of the school’s most popular trio. If you talk to her for long enough though, it becomes clear: she knows any and everybody’s secrets. She writes for the school paper, and is known to write the stories her subjects don’t want anyone else to find out about. Like Diego, who she outed as bisexual last year to throw people off the trail of her own secret relationship with Sissy, earning her an ex-girlfriend and an ex-friend. She’s been trying to win Diego’s forgiveness ever since, but he won’t talk to her, returning every single one of her letters and gifts. (He’s blocked her number and all of her socials, which she only created to talk to him anyway.) She doesn’t know why Five keeps her around - Klaus loves to gossip, but Five never seems to want any of her secrets. She’s pleasantly surprised to find out that he apparently actually enjoys her company. (What?)

(Karen) Klaus is a fucking mess. He plays the dumb blonde (well, brunette) despite being a genius in his own right, even if he’s not at Five’s level. (To be fair, he’s pretty sure no one is.) He’s a drag queen on the weekends, a hangover from his time in the mafia gang, which he joined with his boyfriend Dave for six months after running away from home. Dave died in a gunfight, and Klaus has been fucked up (well, more than usual) ever since. Anorexia, PTSD, anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, the works. But as lonely as he is, addicted to a fuckton of hard drugs and liquors to cope, he’s still an alluring, aloof, and bubbly popular girl, wearing pink skirts and glittery heels and leather corset crop tops to school every day. No matter how much his father Reginald beats him for it, he keeps being himself, because he’s brave and because even if Reginald hates him, someone far more important loves him… Diego. Diego, who Klaus has kissed under a million stars and in the lollipop shop down the road and on top of a cafeteria table. Diego, who Klaus has chased through the rain and into the street without rest or hesitation. Diego, whose words and promises and scribbles are immortalized on Klaus’ skin for all to see. Diego, who Klaus will love no matter how much bigotry they encounter or dickwads they’re beat up by or miles they put between them. Diego, Klaus’ ex-boyfriend.

(Cady) Allison is the new girl, and she has plans for the advantage being underestimated has brought her. She challenges Five on her first day there, earning his respect, and joins his group at the urgings of Klaus and Vanya, who like her company. A fashion queen, she acts as though she’s unfazed by any and everything, but nobody knows her true heartbreak - she still writes letters to a girl back home. Allison was expelled from her Christian private school for falling in love with a girl named Natalie, who she kissed in janitors’ closets and who she beat up racist and homophobic blondes for. She has no tolerance for bullies, and yet becomes one under Five’s guidance - until she upends his reign as queen bee and signs her death warrant. (Though she later finds out he was more angry at her for stealing Klaus and Vanya’s affection than his popularity.) Now her only hope for happiness in her final days is Ray, the Shakespeare-quoting nerd in her English class… or Luther, the quiet dork in the Star Trek t-shirts in her math class. Fuck, she misses Natalie.

(Aaron) Luther is the posterboard for toxic masculinity. He’s on the football team but hates it, preferring his math tutoring and fantasy books to tackling drills. His bisexuality is his deepest secret - he once slept with Diego when they were drunk at a party after a football game, and he can’t get it out of his head. He keeps thinking about what might happen if somebody found out - would he be shunned like Diego? Trapped like Vanya? Plastic like Klaus? He doesn’t know. All he can do is continue to be kind and hope Allison loves him enough to love every part of him, beyond his good lucks and British accent and fucking Ray. So Luther stands up to Five, and pays the price. He compliments Klaus on his skirts, and pays the price. (Diego seems to simultaneously love and hate him for it, it’s confusing.) He holds the door open for Ben, and pays the price. He’s big enough to be scary, kind enough to be overlooked - but after that incident with Vanya, everyone looks at him like he’s a monster to be locked up. And soon enough, “star student” Luther, “teacher’s pet” Luther, “completely under the principal’s thumb and completely friendless and completely terrified of the world around him” Luther might just break under all that pressure.

(Janis) Diego is the school’s resident outcast and rebel punk - he wears skirts and fishnets and whatever the fuck he wants because if Klaus taught him anything when they were dating it was that gender is a construct and he looks hot in leather. They broke up when Diego was outed and Klaus chose to stay quiet when people started shunning Diego for it, but despite it all, Diego still loves him. He misses when they used to paint their nails together, because he has to paint his own now. They used to stare up at the stars together and fall asleep in the grass, curled up in each other, on the nights that Klaus would run away in terror from his dad and Diego would breathe with him and let him press his hand against his heart until Klaus’ panic died down. His heart still flutters when he sees Klaus smile around a lollipop… but he won’t take him back. He won’t. He just can’t forgive him. So instead, he talks to his mom about everything. He plays soccer with his sister Eudora. He paints shit while smoking weed with his best friend Lila. He thinks of Luther being scared of him and laughs. You know, he was almost in Allison’s position freshman year - Five loved him, and so did Klaus and Vanya, but then Vanya outed him to the whole school for no reason like a day before he and Klaus were going to come out together. And now they’re all estranged, and Diego has the strangest feeling that he’s lost his family, even though his mom is the only real family he’s ever known. But maybe he’s wrong. Because Klaus keeps sending him “anonymous” letters, leaving them on the porch and spilling secrets Diego never even would’ve imagined him having. But forgiveness is still a question - that is, until one day Diego gets a letter in a different handwriting: Five’s, telling him to man the fuck up and love Klaus before he kills himself trying to tear the stars down for Diego’s own personal pleasure, and suddenly, Diego is crying on his porch in the rain, missing a slender, sassy skeleton in his arms and a pink, bruised but unbroken heart in his chest.

(Damien) Ben is everyone’s favorite, and the kindest person in the world. He used to be Klaus’ best friend, but that ended when Ben got into an accident (there was a bus involved, that’s all you need to know) that landed him in a wheelchair and Klaus couldn’t deal with the mental pain it caused him. They still stare at each other longingly from across the cafeteria, but never say a word to each other, not even in class. But beyond Klaus, Ben has never had any friends, though he has a million aquaintances: he’s the only student in the school that everyone loves and respects. Five holds the door for him, though Ben can tell without having to ask that Five would rather nobody know that. He hangs out with Diego because he knows Diego’s lonely, even if he never wants to admit it. He advises Allison not to let anyone control her, telling her he knows Natalie from summer camp and that the deaf girl still loves her and reads every single one of her letters. He gives Vanya his lunch when she skips to cry in the gym after Diego yells at her, even though a part of him might think she deserves it sometimes. He plays sports with Luther after school and offers him an ear and some jokes about his problems, and a few touchdowns when he’s feeling good. He acts as Ray’s student consultant, because he knows how hard Ray works to treat him like an equal. He tutors Eudora in basically everything, but cuts study sessions short to play video games when he can tell she’s too stressed to think. He’s ace and pan and proud about it; he runs the school’s GSA; he defends Diego and uses the right pronouns for Lila when they’re alone without Lila ever having to him he’s trans. He bugs Reginald’s office in one of their many meetings and records enough conversations to get him fired when he tries to expel Five. And finally, karma rewards him - Klaus shows up at his house with a box of brownies he baked himself, all covered in smiley faces, and shoves them into Ben’s hands, shaking his head when Ben assumes they’re for Diego. I miss you, Klaus tells him, and Ben tugs him down into a kiss, pulling away with a stammered apology. I’m sorry, he blushes, and Klaus beams, leaping into his lap and hugging him closer than ever, the two of them queerplatonic partners from then on, forever linked by their fingers in the hallway. Happy. Finally.

Lila is the shy artsy kid who carries around one of those leather brown satchels that looks threatening but is really just code for “I think I’m too cool for a backpack so I stuff all my incorrect homework and favorite comic books into this sack of knockoff pig skin instead”. He’s covered in paint most of the time, and wears Alice in Wonderland combat boots and Sharpie-doodle-covered jeans and big black hoodies and soft grey beanies; he’s trans and hacked off his own hair until an undercut with choppy slash bangs and there’s pink streaks in them, of course, to match the bubblegum he’s always chewing. His nails are bitten and black, and his skin is decorated with tattoos that are almost exclusively Bo Burnham quotes, with the exception of Diego’s name right over his heart. (Diego has Lila’s name over his too - and Klaus’ and Eudora’s, though he’d never tell them that.) He gives his skirts to Klaus and gets along well enough with Five, them both being trans and all, and everyone else knows him as that kid who’ll spread rumors and steal things for bribes. It’s not like he can get in more trouble than he’s already in - he lives with his bigoted and abusive bitch of a mom. But Diego is his best friend - the one he shoots and stabs things with, the one whose ex-boyfriend he talks to because Diego will never admit to himself that he misses Klaus like he would his own lungs if they were torn from his chest, the one whose sister he’s in love with. Wait. Fuck. Oops.

Eudora is Diego’s sister, and the captain of the soccer team. She wears her red jersey with the white numbers to school every day, and is covered in tattoos of magical creatures, because she believes in all of them. She wishes she was a werewolf, and has dressed up as one every year for Halloween since she was ten. (And she’s let anyone dressed a werewolf give her a hickey just in case that turned her. It’s good to have all your bases covered.) She has a broken down pick-up truck named Travis-Trevor-Thomas-literally-any-other-T-name that she loves beyond belief, and drives Diego to and from school in it, though he grumbles about it every day. She eats lunch with him even though he insists he’s fine eating alone and wants her to go away, because she knows he’s lying, and she hangs around the GSA with him sometimes too. She’s lab partners with her brother’s “secret” ex-boyfriend, and is concerned by how quiet he is - she’s seen enough documetaries to know that quiet never means anything good. But unfortunately, she has her own academic drama to deal with - Hazel and Cha-Cha hate her for helping Klaus, and she hates them right back, leading to failing grades in both English and history no matter how brilliant her work is. Mostly, though, Eudora tries to get to know Lila - the pretty, angry, sarcastic emo boy she shares half her classes with, and flirts with every day despite how he ignores her. (ONLY because Lila still smiles and laughs every time she flirts with him, and Eudora knows from Diego that Lila thinks Eudora only flirts with him because it’s some sort of game of “if you get the guy who’s hard to get you win the hundred dollar bet” deal. Otherwise she would’ve backed off immediately because not doing so would be harassment.) Eventually, though, Eudora runs off-field in the middle of a soccer game and over to the stands to ask Lila to prom. Finally, she gets a yes - and, most importantly, a real smile, curled against her own mouth like a Cupid’s bow of promise.

Sissy is Vanya’s ex-girlfriend, and Fuckwad Carl’s current girlfriend. She hooked up with him after breaking up with Vanya, too drunk to even speak, and now her belly’s ballooning and her parents are gonna kick her out unless she marries him like a good Christian woman. And she really didn’t expect herself to tell them to fuck off for this one, but apparently lesbianism makes you do crazy things - so here she is, standing on Ray’s porch in the pouring rain and hoping for the best. She’s depressed and shows that by reading the Bronte sisters; Klaus opens the door for her and brings her notes with doodles all over them which makes her cry; she misses Vanya but hates her for what she did to Diego. And yet Vanya’s there when she goes to the abortion clinic, smiling and joking and holding her hand like always. One day she’ll have a baby and she and Vanya will raise it right, but fuck - that baby sure as hell won’t be Carl’s. (Because fuck that guy.)

Ray is a humanitarian, so, naturally, he’s also the student council president. Five has never mistreated him, because everyone loves and respects Ray, even his critics. He nurtures Allison’s intelligence and encourages Vanya’s musical habits. He tutors Klaus in basically every subject but never talks down to him because he knows the kid’s a genius, just a bit spacey from all the drugs (and the ADHD, let’s be honest). He helps bring Luther out of his shell and takes Lila out shopping for boy clothes, all of which he pays for himself. He’s not scared or offended by Diego’s sarcasm or intensity, instead greeting him every day in class with a new dad joke. He treats Ben to intelligent conversation like an equal and doesn’t let Five be so harsh he’ll regret it later, though he still lets him say what he means and be himself. Everybody knows he’ll be the real President one day - even if for now he wears pajamas to school every day because, in his words, “Clothes are just too much fuckin’ work, man.” (There’s a possibility he may have still been high from hanging out with Klaus that day.)

The Handler is the evil physics teacher. (I don’t know why I said evil clearly all science teachers are evil.) (Yes this is coming from a place of aggression but hey at least I recognize that.) (Plus he deserves it. So fuck you.) (*sticks tongue out*) (Don’t you see how mature I am?) (I’m sorry I’m sorry back to your regularly scheduled programming -) She’s Lila’s mom, and continually and constantly misgenders him (and Five!) in class, not even because she hates trans people, just because she hates him (and Five!). Five always challenges her dictatorial rule, refusing to participate in solidarity with Klaus when she forces Klaus to sit out for wearing skirts. She keeps trying to flunk Ray too, the little bitch, but he just keeps doing so well that she can’t even come up with a falsely plausible reason to fail him! She’s been bribing Hazel and Cha-Cha to flunk certain students for years, unaware that Lila has been stealing from the Handler’s own purse to double those prices for those students to ace their classes. Everybody hates her, and for good reason. I hope she gets fired. (Shut up and let me project onto fictional characters, assholes.)

Reginald is the evil principal and Klaus’ abusive dad. He sends Klaus to school every day in a boys’ “uniform”, which Klaus has to change out of in the bathroom every day with borrowed clothes from Allison. (Anything he owns lives at her house; they have an agreement.) Once Klaus forgot to wash off his nail polish before Reginald came home and he broke all of Klaus’ fingers one by one. (Agnes wants to beat him into dust with a rolling pin.) Klaus stays at Diego’s house a lot, though Klaus refuses to come after they break up even though Diego makes it clear that his door will always be open. Five, therefore, is super protective of Klaus - every time he comes over, he’s super respectful when Klaus is in the room and then verbally rips Reginald to shreds as soon as he’s gone. He once stayed over for an impromptu sleepover when he noticed that Klaus was terrified-ly coming up with more and more ridiculous excuses for Five to stay and not leave him alone with Reginald, and as soon as Klaus was asleep, tiptoed around the house to set up bugs and cameras he got from Ben. He gives all of the evidence to Eudora to deliver to the police, who arrest Reginald and leave him to rot in a cement cell for the rest of his sorry fucking life while Klaus goes on to live Happily Ever After because fuck you and your stupid as shit traditionalism and inhumane experiments you lying scheming fuckwad of a psychopathic monster toad.

Hazel is the exhausted English teacher. His secret? He hates every book he teaches. Also he’s been taking bribes from the Handler and Lila because teachers don’t get paid enough in our society. Also his wife Agnes of twenty years divorced him a year ago for the whole bribery situation and he’s been sleeping in his car and using the school’s facilities to appear fine. Yeah, Hazel’s a mess. ANYWAY - Five is the only one who seems to know what’s going on, and Hazel would like to keep it that way. He knows Klaus is a genius with words but doesn’t know how to tell him that, and he knows Diego’s favorite book is Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen and has agreed to take that secret to his grave. (What, it’s a good book!) His class is the only place Diego and Klaus dare to interact, and he’s noticed - they often pair up for assignments and take to the floor or beanbags in the corner, often cuddling up and giggling over whatever book or assignment they’ve been sent off to read or do. Hazel also has another hopeless couple he teaches, Lila and Eudora - eventually Hazel starts leaving Lila’s sappy poems about Eudora on Eudora’s desk when she comes in for her own class (separate from Lila’s) because there is no other way those two idiots are getting together, let’s be honest. There’s just too much communication. Mostly Hazel misses his own wife, Agnes - but he’s been out of luck since he cashed it in with the science department, hot cocoa whore that he is.

Cha-Cha is the history teacher, and she has all the sass and dry sarcasm required for that job. She will beat a bitch up for telling her she can’t teach critical race theory, and plays Drunk History and Overly Sarcastic Productions in her class basically every day. She doesn’t believe in tests because if she did she’d have to grade them, and she likes animated kids’ movies and TV shows, especially Paw Patrol and Sofia the First. (Yes, obviously she’s single. She’s also ace-aro, so who the fuck cares.) She takes the Handler and Lila’s bribes because she runs an underground wrestling ring and would like to continue feeding her pitbulls gourmet food. The only kid she’s truly on edge with is Five, who often challenges her in debates - she can’t decide if she’s impressed or enraged about it. Whatever. School’s out, bitches.

Agnes is the art teacher who knows everything about everybody. All of her art is of donuts. (Of course.) She’s a damn good cook, especially of pizza - and donuts. (Naturally.) She always has munchkins available for her students - and donuts! (She always saves the chocolate glazed and jelly ones for Five and Klaus.) She likes to rap explicit beats in her car and play her music so loud it shakes the ground and you can hear it from miles away. (Obnoxious.) So she doesn’t restrict her kids’ projects because that’s not what art is about. (And because it would make her a hypocrite, obviously.) Sure, she divorced Hazel, but hey - she’s living her best life, and eventually he’ll come to his senses and come crawling back to her at three a.m. to badly lipsync a Justin Bieber song about missing her, and she’ll leap out the window into his giant hairy arms and kiss him on his ginormous teddy bear face. Because Agnes, at heart, is a hippy. (And that’s love, bitch.)

Grace is Diego and Eudora’s (and everybody’s!) mom. She goes out for drinks with Agnes on the weekends and to clubs with Pogo every Friday (the librarian/unofficial therapist who acts as her mouthpiece when Diego does something stupid and won’t listen to her advice, the moron). She’s kind to everyone, but takes no one’s bullshit: you hurt her kids, you die. Important Notice: Everybody Is Her Kid. So be kind to everyone, dickwads. Well - except Reginald. And the Handler. Both of whom she bitchslaps for mistreating her precious babies. She then takes in Klaus because Diego loves him, and Ben because Klaus loves him, and Lila because both Diego ad Eudora love him. The only reason she didn’t take in Sissy was because Ray already had her taken care of. She’s a literal angel sent from heaven and we should all be worshipping her like the goddess she is I’m sorry I don’t know when this became Grace Appreciation Day™ but hey I’m here for it and I have no regrets.

TUA MAMMA MIA AU

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, loss, suicidal ideation, grief, murder, other stuff, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(seriously though i know i always say this but basically the only thing this story has in common with mamma mia is that it takes place on that island. do not read this for mamma mia's plot; you will be incredibly disappointed.)

(Sophie) Ben was born on the island, surrounded by magic from day one. Known to be kind and good, he can grow plants at wills, flowers often sprouting from his skin, which he picks and offers to Klaus, who always smiles and kisses him. Ben has tentacles in his chest that ruined his health when he was younger, often confining him to bed for days, and Klaus would always make a point to visit him, another sick child who struggled with substance abuse and passed-down mental and physical problems since he was five years old. Klaus would wander around Ben’s room dancing, singing, and telling stories to entertain him, often cuddling him whenever he got to tired to continue. The two have been partners in everything ever since they met, soulmates both in choice and fate, with red string rings tied around their left ring fingers ever since their seventh birthday, never to be taken off. Always enough for each other, Klaus eventually chooses to stay behind on the island with Ben rather than run off with the boy he loves when they’re fifteen, as Ben can never leave the island, infected by a sickness that turns his veins to ash the farther he travels from its shores, which would eventually kill him. Ben’s guilt is harsh and real, as he sees Klaus’ grief for Diego in his eyes every single day they have together from that day on. He often escapes away to see Jill, a sweet mermaid who lives off the cliffs. The day Ben finally succumbs to his illnesses, too weak to drag himself to shore after saving Klaus from being crushed by a wrecking ship, Jill takes his soul and imbues it into a pearl, giving the gem to Klaus, who wears it on a chain around his neck for the rest of his days. The church is full at his funeral, but Ben stands by Klaus’ side still, speaking to him often, their bond too strong to be broken by death. They wander together every day, confined to the island, until one day the gods finally take pity on him and he is reborn as an angel, returning to the earth to take Klaus by the waist and whirl him up into the air, laughing and spinning in the sunlight as they kiss, their one life finally complete.

(Sky) Diego grew up in New York with his mother Grace, who adopted him at a young age after finding him in an alleyway. He’s always found her alluring and beautiful, almost hypnotic in a way, and when he’s fifteen he finally finds out why, travelling to the island with her on vacation. There, he learns she is a light fae, accepted by the island immediately as one of its own. She leaves him to his own devices mostly, allowing him plenty of time to fall about as deep in love with Klaus as anybody can get, the two of them spending endless days together in the summer sun. When Grace is ready to leave, faint from all the magic around her, Diego wants to take Klaus with him, but his lover refuses, refusing to leave his best friend’s side. And so Diego is torn from him, spending the next fifteen years thinking about the boy he left behind, now surely a man. Soon after returning home, however, Grace dies in a horrible house fire, leaving Diego alone with Klaus’ magic love branded on his bones. He soon learns his parentage is magical as well, his grief for Grace causing his dark fae powers to awake, wavy black horns and big black wings splitting from his back as he screams and cries. Desperate to escape his beloved mother’s memory, Diego leaves his army training and schooling behind to travel the world, hoping to head back to Klaus. But alas, he cannot find the island, dizzy with his new power, and is preyed upon by a siren named Lila. However, he’s saved by a pirate named Eudora, and the three soon become good friends, sailing the high seas on Eudora’s ship every day they can. Eudora has never heard of Klaus’ island, and Diego’s descriptions are not very helpful, but still they sail on, Diego determined to find the man he loves and stay with him, this time. His magic alive and unabashed, Diego is a dangerous creature, but what he lacks in control he far more than makes up in gentleness, caring for Eudora and Lila even when they leave him for each other. Then, one day, Diego sees a spot in the distance, and his heart sings in the ocean air, prompting him to steal the wheel from Eudora and steer right up on the shore. Seeing him from high up in a tree, Klaus bounds down through the rocky fauna, scraping himself all over just so he can jump into Diego’s arms and kiss him again. Diego refuses to leave him again, insisting to Klaus he’ll be fine even if he has to leave behind Lila and Eudora, but Klaus refuses to let him give up his family. Instead, he finally agrees to come with him, leaving with Diego at Ben’s urging to finally see the world he’s so longed for. Before they go, however, Diego gets down on one knee. He gets out not a single word before Klaus screams “YES!” so loudly that all of the birds are startled off the island and don’t come back for three weeks.

(Donna) Allison was born half-siren, though she of course didn’t find that out until she came to the island after college on a whim. There she stayed and met three men in a year, eventually having Claire as a result, her daughter a spitfire who’s always barefoot and wearing flowers somewhere. Though she once had dreams for something greater, Allison has become accustomed to the island and its small pleasures, content with her best friends Klaus and Vanya, both of whom have helped her raise Claise. She has a risky relationship with magic despite being the queen of the island, as its dark and persuasive nature is easily abused and has led her to broken friendships many times in the past. She tries not to use it, but Natalie, a nymph who Allison loves and marries, helps her learn to control it, encouraging her to open up and helping her temper her rages. Natalie is essential to Allison’s happiness, so even after she falls for Ray and Luther again, Allison keeps her, enjoying two husbands and a wife, and a sweet friend in Patrick, who she slept with out of grief, no romance involved whatsoever. A hard-working and kickass woman, she takes no shit from her friends nor her foes, eventually sending both Klaus and Vanya off into the world without her, finally confident enough in herself to manage on her own. (What a queen.)

(Tanya) Klaus was born on the island, and is its most elusive and mysterious resident. He’s peculiar even just for his looks, not to mention his behaviors - he’s covered in odd runes in languages none of the other mages speak; his skin sparkles and glows different colors in the rain and sun; his eyes burn bright gold when he uses magic, which is always; he has great black wings with sharp horns at their bends just like Diego; he has wavy black horns growing out of his head and cracked and achy from all his self-abuse; he dresses himself in auras and gowns made of the nature around him, usually still alive, the leaves, wind, clouds, butterflies, flowers, and feathers all nuzzling into him like an old friend. The only consistency to his appearance is the pearl on a chain around his necklace, a reminder to all the island of his deepest love, even if he’s slept with half the island as it is. (He keeps tripping to sex pollen and “forgetting” to wash off before heading into town.) No one really knows what kind of creature he is, because his parentage is a mystery and his magic is atypically ruinous in its beauty. (They eventually discover that he is the hybrid child of a dark fae and a light fairy, which, let’s be honest, makes complete and total sense.) Still, despite his alluring appearance, he is by far the most tragic character of the island, having suffered blow after blow to the point of suicide many a time, only to be restored by the waters and washed up on shore, most likely as a gift by Dave, the pirate Klaus fell in love with a few years ago only to lose to a stray cannonball. He now haunts the ocean, keeping Klaus alive even when he breaks all his bones by leaping off the highest cliff onto the rocks. Klaus steals alcohol from the wrecked ships off the coast and sleeps high up in the trees; he snorts fairy dust too, when he can find it. He’s learned how to mix and mess with it enough so he can find the best hit for longest, creating different colors and tastes and effects. He suffers from psychic and prophetic visions, often in his sleep, leading him to be very anxious, depressed, and paranoid, often getting only a few scant hours of sleep a night. Once, he had a nightmare so bad he woke already in the midst of a panic attack, having summoned every ghost who had ever drowned within a mile of the island to the shore, wary to wait there and guard him til morning. He covers all his pain with flirting and humor, and very few have ever seen past the facade, Allison and Vanya being two of them, who take care of him and his deteriorating mental state every day. Diego helped too, before he left, leaving Klaus even more devastated than before. But what really broke him was Ben’s death, the love of his life lost to him forever, and soon Klaus succumbed completely to his anguish and left the island with only Ben’s pearl around his neck, walking on water until he reached a place he was sure nobody could save him. He let himself sink, falling beneath the waves, but he woke up in bed all the same, Ben’s ghost expelling from his body and leaving his heart still beating in his chest, his breath stolen.

(Rosie) Vanya grew up on the island, but left when she turned seven, taken away by her parents. She was friends with Klaus and Allison then, and retains her friendship with them now, when she returns at age twenty-three, fresh-off a bad hand in the deal of life. She had married an abusive man named Leonard and run from him into the arms of a housewife named Sissy, who she soon fell in love with. Unfortunately, their affair ended in tragedy, with Sissy and her son Harlan being killed by Sissy’s husband Carl in a horrific murder-suicide. Paralyzed with grief, Vanya returned to the island in search of Klaus and Allison, and lives with them now in relative peace, spending her days writing in her little sunlit room. She’s quiet and mousy and studies Greek mythology, which she tells Klaus with great excitement, her eyes lighting up. He tells her he’s the personal favorite of Dionysus, Apollo, Aphrodite, Hermes, and Hades and Persephone, which she laughs at until she realizes he’s serious. She speaks to them through him, fascinated with their stories, and writes songs about them which she plays out on her balcony, the notes of her sweet violin carried for miles by her tame magic, weak compared to that of Klaus and Allison’s and yet brimming with potential. Nature bends to the will of her melodies, the trees reaching for her balcony whenever she plays, so much so that she one day creates a dome of branches, for she lives at the top of the island and they simply could not get close enough. Eventually, though, she chooses to move back to the city and try her hand at a normal life, in need of a change and some peace. After all - she can always come back home, right?

(Sam) Ray is an activist and a poet who came to the island almost a decade ago in search of inspiration. He and Allison fell for each other immediately, drawn to each other’s equal minds and hearts. (She’s always sort of hoped he was Claire’s father.) He very nearly gave up everything to stay there with her, but he was young and still had dreams to travel the world, and so he left her behind with a sad apology, promising to return to her one day. (She’s always taken his promise to heart, and thank fucking god she did, because it finally came true.) After Ray left, he made his way everywhere he could, eventually settling in London and meeting Luther, who he quickly fell in love with. The two of them were married after a year, though their relationship baffles nearly everyone they meet, as Ray is an intelligent, artistic soul who enjoys museums and old poetry books and watering his plants and gardening in the sunlight and Luther is a stubborn, blustering old movie fan who prefers to write analytical pieces about the transformations of media and its affect on society over the years in his little hovel of a mancave, but hey, they make it work. They don’t know the other knows Allison until one day Ray expresses his wish to visit his old friend and from his stories and Luther’s sparse memory they’re able to piece together that they’re speaking about the same woman. Rather than be worried, they laugh about it, and when they arrive on the island, Ray kisses Allison without hesitation as soon as she’s close enough, smiling against her mouth. She soon kisses Luther too, the three of them reunited as they always should’ve been, and slowly, she introduces them to her world. Though Ray has no magic in his bones, he loves the island and it loves him right back, offering him a lift on the wind whenever he wishes it, the branches bending down to kiss him with their leaves, the rain parting around him when it storms. Ray gets along quite well with Natalie, as they both enjoy poetry and tea, and he absolutely adores Claire, who engages him with fairytales she’s come up with and new theories she has regarding the world. Ray loves Klaus despite his eccentricities, and Klaus will spend hours with Ray’s arm wrapped around his waist, talking loudly in his ear as Ray smiles and tries not to spill his drink on Klaus’ shirt when he laughs. Vanya is quite fond of him too, though she’s far more reserved in her love, and Diego and Ben barely interact with him, though they clearly hold some sort of affection for him since he’s made Allison so happy. Even Five doesn’t mind him. In the end, Ray realizes that while travelling the world has made him a better man, it is staying here with his family that will make him a happy one.

(Harry) Patrick is a businessman, the kind who always wears a suit and holds a cup of whiskey constantly after five o’clock. He’s tired and bored and defeated, only brought to life when he goes boating on the weekends, donning a stupid captain’s hat and everything. He tried his hand at acting when he was younger, which is how he met Allison, with her coy smile and tattered dress. They had a brief fling before she disappeared, and though he was never really in love with her, their paths too different despite their attraction for one another, he still makes the time to visit her on the island when the ten year mark hits, having finally found her after years of searching. He cannot stay very long, as his refusal to believe in magic makes the island frustrated enough to make him miserable as well as it can, but for Allison it makes an exception, allowing Patrick to stay long enough for her wedding to Ray and Luther. He still keeps in touch with her, retaining a good relationship with Claire despite the oceans between them, and Allison’s the first one he calls when he meets the love of his life, a purple and yellow-haired nonbinary summer child named Joy with whom he adopts a shitton of kids and opens up a charity to help the homeless, finally happy and fulfilled putting on Shakespeare plays as fundraisers in the park. (Here’s the truth, kids - you don’t need magic to live a magical life.)

(Bill) Luther grew up on the island, his magic presenting itself in the gift of speaking to animals. (Which is nice since they’re better friends with him than most humans are, which is sad but only if you think about it too hard!) He was childhood friends with Klaus, Vanya, and Ben, though his closeness to them was always rivaled with his absolute adoration of Allison, who adored him right back until he left with his father, a demanding and unforgiving man named Reginald who the island finally managed to reject with a magical disease that damn near killed the man before he managed to escape, dragging Luther with him. Luther misses Ben, who always gave him a safe space to cry; he misses Vanya, who always held his hand when he was scared; and he misses Klaus, who always helped him handle the birds he was so much bigger and stronger than. (Birds (mostly sparrows) and butterflies (mostly monarchs) like to nest in Klaus’ hair for some reason.) But most of all, Luther misses Allison, the only soul he ever felt truly understood him. But love cannot always win, and so Luther returned to the mainland with his father, living under his harsh and strict rule for over a decade before leaving to return to Allison for a few days, though he was soon dragged back with a call from his fiance, a pompous girl named Stacey who Reginald had forced him into marrying. Bowing his hand, Luther made it all the way to the altar before going fuck that (as we all must one day) and sprinting out the church doors all the way to the nearest park, where he bought a hot dog, collapsed on a bench surrounded by pigeons, turned to the man next to him and fell in love with his husband. He returns to the island with Ray a few years later, the both of them looking for Allison, and are married to her within the year, Luther finally back home in the arms of his family. Though he bickers constantly with Diego, who he hadn’t been at the island to meet at the time, their fighting always ceases whenever Klaus spins into the room, as he has this way of softening Diego that no one else can ever really understand (but maybe they don’t need to). Luther, meanwhile, speaks to Pogo, a magical creature who habitates the nearest small islands (the kind with only palm tree in the cartoons) and a dear friend. He teaches Claire how to speak to animals and becomes a librarian, because he hated his accounting job back in the city. But most of all, he lingers in the kitchen making pancakes as he waits for Ray and Allison to come down in rumpled pajamas, where he’ll dance with them until the smoke alarm goes off and they all tumble to the floor in laughter, Claire watching them from the stairs with a smile and a camera.

Five is born from a flower, growing in the Handler’s garden, so she becomes his mother. She’s abusive as fuck to him, and despite his immense power as a dark fae, his horns and wings strong and black beautiful, he just cannot escape her. Brilliant with magic and weaponry, he’s a formidable warrior, trained under Allison’s own hand (and Diego’s too, once he returns). By thirteen, he’s been sneaking out to see Klaus for years, his real mother since Klaus was the one who grew the flower Five sprouted from with his wish for a piece of Diego to stay with him forever. They’re a family, the two of them, however fucked up. But Klaus can never really tear him from the Handler’s clutches, try as he might, and so Five is always running for him, Klaus’ arms open, a barrier of the Handler’s magic sharp and painful between them. Five has other friends around the island - Vanya and Allison of course, Hazel and Agnes (the island baker and psychic respectively), Cha-Cha (his tormentor turned secret trainer), Dolores (his voodoo doll he made himself from the earth that loves him so), and Lila (his best friend and personal bodyguard, self-appointed). He sometimes takes refuge in the pirate ships beneath the sea, his magic powerful enough to keep him shielded from the water as he spends hours with Ben and Diego, who can hold his breath forever. He and Diego often watch the sunset, sunrise, or moon together on the cliff Klaus has jumped off so many times, bonded together by Klaus’ love for them and some sort of magical blood fused by that bond. Eventually Lila decks the Handler off the cliff, furious beyond belief at Five’s bloody bruises, and Five shivers in Klaus’ arms, knowing that he’s lost a warden and not a mother. With his real mother and father, he leaves the island on a pirate ship, his wings strong and spread behind him, a happy smile on his face as he soars above the clouds into the sun, finally free.

TUA DISNEY AUs: Tangled (Pt. II)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, death, violence I guess?, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Rapunzel) Klaus is stuck in this stupid tower with no one but his father and ghosts for company. He’s been trying to escape for years, but now it’s just dark and quiet, since Reginald was sure to find every possible escape route and shut it down. Klaus has started to see people everywhere. He thinks maybe he’s going crazy.

(Flynn) Diego has better shit to do than this. But he’s good at stealing, and his skills with a knife aren’t good for much else, so here he is. He’s on the run from the captain of the guard Eudora - the tower just seemed like a good place to lay low, and then some bitch hit him with an umbrella.

(Gothel) Reginald knows Klaus’ powers are majorly useless in terms of the power he so desperately desires, but Klaus is also his only link to the afterlife, where his beloved wife Grace rests. He needs to see her, so he keeps Klaus captive, even though he knows Klaus can’t do jack shit with his powers and Grace wouldn’t want this. He just can’t let go.

(King and Queen) Allison and Vanya are the only ones left of seven adopted royal children - their guardian, the late King Pogo, lost his life to his grief over losing all his sons. Allison is queen now, in love with a scholar from across the sea named Ray, and Vanya is mostly an advisor to her rather than a princess, though she’s happy to spend her days without politics, instead preferring to visit the baker Sissy and her son Harlan. They’re still looking for their brothers, Allison especially for Luther, her childhood sweetheart.

(Stabbington Brothers) Leonard and Lila hate each other, but make good thieves together, and therefore work as one for good business. Lila and Diego have a weird thing that resurfaces every time they work together, but Lila’s mostly got her eye on Captain Eudora - the prettiest girl she ever did see. Meanwhile, Leonard likes to harass Princess Vanya and make shady deals behind Lila’s back.

(Pascal) Ben is tired of Klaus’ shit, but has been his only consistent friend for years. Klaus doesn’t remember him, but they were stolen together as children. Reginald took Klaus for Grace and Ben for protection, but Ben died young during one of Reginald’s experiments on Klaus when Ben tried to protect him. Ben’s just trying to get his brother home - but Reginald, the dickwad, keeps getting in the way, goddamnit.

(Maximus) Luther is an exhausted soldier in the kingdom’s army, having been cursed to be an animal by an evil sorceress named the Handler. He and Diego do not get along. He just wants to get back to Allison - but she never recognizes him, and Luther becomes bitter and angry, losing hope with every passing second.

And like, the Handler works with Reginald as a fellow magical person except she runs a cultist witch organization called the Commission with her seconds Cha-Cha and Hazel and Five is her adopted son that she also stole from the palace on the same night that Reginald took Klaus and Ben. She also took Diego but lost him when he was eight.

Diego is on the run from Eudora when he finds Klaus’ tower. Klaus knocks him out and when he wakes up, he’s met with the sight of the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. He frees Klaus upon finding out that all Klaus wants is freedom in the same way Diego wants to find his little brother Five and kill the Handler. They’re immediately drawn to each other, and are best friends in a matter of hours as they travel together, eventually running into Luther with Ben at their side.

Luther and Diego bicker constantly and Lila starts to consider her true loyalties when Leonard truly starts to threaten Vanya. She grows closer to Eudora and almost loses her to Cha-Cha and Hazel, and would’ve if Klaus hadn’t come along and conjured Eudora at Diego’s wishes with his powers. Sure, Eudora’s dead, but she and Lila are still able to be together.

Vanya drop-kicks Leonard because she deserves to and settles down with Sissy in the bakery, though they have a modest sum from the palace due to Vanya’s princess-y-ness.

Allison marries Ray and is reunited with Luther, who she also carries out a relationship with once his curse is broken by Five, who’s been learning magic to kill the Handler. She’s overjoyed to be reunited with her brothers and, though distrustful of magic, allows Five to teach her a few tricks.

Five and Diego are reunited when Cha-Cha and Hazel kidnap Klaus for the Handler, who’s made a deal with Reginald. Together they save Klaus, who kisses Diego in his ecstasy. They keep making out while Five shares disgusted looks with a fully manifested Ben, who looks like he is wishing he could somehow be deader than dead.

Diego and Klaus don’t get married, but rather are reunited with their family and spend a few months reconnecting with everyone before heading off to have great adventures together. They take Five and Ben with them and have a grand old time. Allison is happy with Luther and Ray, Vanya is happy with Sissy and Harlan, and Lila and Eudora are making out in the most inconvenient places they can find. It’s great, it’s all great.

TUA PIRATE AU

(of the Caribbean? Sort of? I guess?)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the books/films) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, pirates and all of their violent shenanigans, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

Luther is the captain of the guard, and pirates are the bane of his existence. He hates Diego most of all, the man who’s stolen unspeakable amounts of gold from Reginald, Luther’s employer. But as annoyed he is at all of the theft, he purposefully never catches Diego, because he knows Klaus loves him. And Luther may be a man of the law, but he’s also Klaus’ beloved brother-in-spirit, even if Reginald wants them to marry each other for some idiotic reason. (Something about getting Klaus to settle down - ha, he can try.) When Klaus disappears, Luther follows him, having no connections left here - and that’s when he meets Allison. And there are copious laws against getting involved with married women and outlaws alike… so Luther starts to think that maybe bending the rules wouldn’t be so bad. (Klaus is so proud.)

Diego grew up poor, and became a pirate in his early teens when Grace took him in. When she fled the colony, Diego went with her, leaving his childhood best friend Klaus behind. He’s got his own fleet and crew now, and mostly uses his scores as excuses to flirt with Klaus, who’s still just as drawn to him after all these years and often sneaks him into his bedroom when Diego’s in town. Diego’s kept in close touch with Lila and Eudora, both of whom he grew up with once Grace took him away, and they both help him when it comes time for him to crash Klaus’ wedding to Luther (fuck you dude) and steal Klaus away for a life at sea. (Klaus absolutely LOVES this. They kiss a lot. They swing from ropes. Klaus is screaming at all the guards as Diego carries him away bridal-style (ha, I’m so funny). It is delightful.) (His ship is a terror they call The Kraken. Ha, get it? Get it - because Diego’s name - and the monster from legend - okay yeah I’ll shut up now.)

Allison is a badass goddess, covered in colorful tattoos with gold in her hair. She was a prostitute for awhile, stealing a bunch along the way, but one day one of the pirate captains who approached her tried to take more than he paid for. She broke both his hands and killed him in cold blood, then defeated his entire crew in a sword fight single-handedly, earning their respect. She now rides with that same crew as their captain, in one of those off-the-shoulder poet-blouse-corset dresses and high brown boots. Ray is a leutinant who’s been chasing her for years, the two of them flirting back and forth forever… but he’ll never catch her. It’s bad form to arrest your wife.

Klaus is the governor’s bastard son, a totally wild spirit who wears dresses all the time, drinks his weight at parties, and has slept with half the town (marriage is not a problem for him, this is Klaus, we all know he is very down for threesomes). He’s stolen half of Reginald’s shit for Diego over the years, and has been sneaking off to see him just as long, completely in love with his pirate king. Though he’s loved others before - Dave, for example, a soldier whose death broke Klaus into give in to Reginald’s plan to marry him off to Luther (who Klaus loves, just, Not Like That™). The day Diego kidnaps him from his own wedding is the best fucking day of his life - okay, no it wasn’t. That was second best. The best day of his life was the day he and Diego watched Diego’s ship and treasure burn and sink into the sea, and Klaus asked him if he was alright, and Diego just shrugged. Said, You’re the only treasure I need, and kissed him like the world was ending. Yeah. That was the best day of his life, because Diego is the best anything in his life.

Five was a pirate queen until he transitioned a few years ago, though only by word of mouth. No one’s ever seen him. Anyone who works for him doesn’t make it a month outside of the job, usually by his own hands, but people keep coming because nobody knows who he is. He sails alone, though he offers Klaus refuge on his boat for a few days under the moniker Aidan, because he knows Diego loves him, and Five actually respects Diego (if only because he respects Lila who he only respects because he respects Eudora). He hates the Handler for leaving him stranded on an island when he was just a child, an unwanted product of her crew’s hard partying, and has vowed to kill her one day for leaving him alone for so long, ageless in misery. He talks to the mermaid on the front of his ship named Dolores and kills without mercy, and when he finally reveals himself as this skinny pale thirteen-year-old with the grandpa haircut, he revels in the looks on his family’s faces as they try to rebuild their blown brain circuits.

Ben loves Klaus more than life itself, which is, in hindsight, probably why he’s dead. Oh who is he kidding, it’s definitely why he’s dead. Klaus is sort of, kind of, maybe, just a little bit a witch, and they hang witches where they’re from. So when they needed someone to blame for the odd happenings Klaus had caused recently, Ben had taken the blame and worn the noose proudly. Klaus still talks to him all the time, his ghost anyway, and it’s fine - but Klaus lives on the sea now, with Diego, and Ben gets seasick like all the time. (And then he steals Davy Jones’ heart and gets trapped as a tentacle monster, which is honestly not that bad. It helps him scare birds, and Ben likes scaring birds.)

Vanya works as the blacksmith’s apprentice, sad and lonely. She’s been having an affair with the duchess Sissy for years, also working as her maid and a nanny for her son Harlan when asked, but mostly she’s alone, with no one else to care for in the world. (And that creep officer Leonard keeps asking her to marry him, which, just. Ew.) When Five shows up, his hands in his pockets, and offers her a way out, well - what else could she possibly do?

Lila is a badass pirate princess who don’t take no shit from anybody. She wears bright pink ballgowns while skewering people like kabobs, which is funny because she’s a well-known maneater. Literally. (Yes I included a Hannibal character in here because it’s my AU and I can do whatever the fuck I want.) She fell in love with Eudora, and thought she had corrupted the kind sergeant until she found out Eudora had been an undercover pirate the whole time, helping Diego smuggle Reginald’s gold and goods in and out of port. (That’s hot as fucking hell, she blurts when she realizes. Fuck, I’m gonna marry this woman.) She has a serious rum problem she will not be addressing and a collection of pet parrots that will forever prevent her and Ben from becoming friends. When she and Eudora get married, it’s in the middle of the pouring rain while thunder and lightning and gunshots crack around them and they’re killing people and shooting canons left and right (because I may not have shipped Will and Elizabeth but by god if their wedding wasn’t the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen). Now if only she could find the king of the pirates… she’s been hunting Five for years, hoping to prove herself to him, but he just… won’t show up.

Eudora is the sergeant in Reginald’s legions, and has been using her position to help Diego pirate goods since before he even left with Grace. She makes a lot of deals with him, having him carry her cargo and speak with her connections in exchange for her keeping an eye on Klaus for him, which to be honest they both know she’d do anyway. She helped Diego get to Klaus’ wedding and kidnap him, confusing the soldiers in pursuit of the bride, and follows them off to sea, finally home. She feels she owes an eternal debt to Klaus for not being able to save Ben from execution, though she tried, almost desperately. She flirts with Lila all the damn time, and believes in magic, wanting to travel the world looking for it. Most importantly, you should know that she will and has killed for a cheeseburger. (I know they weren’t invented yet shut up.)

Reginald is the governor of the colony, and Klaus’ father. He’s an asshole, one who constantly hunts the pirates because his wife Grace left him to be one. He only has one eye because Grace cut the other out viciously in their last fight, and he’s an abusive piece of shit who lives to terrorize and tax people. Pogo is his assistant / advisor / let-me-stand-here-and-give-you-good-advice-that-we-all-know-you’ll-ignore person. Reginald refuses to die before he catches Grace and sees her hanging in the square - something that seems more and more likely by the day. (HA, Grace says. He wishes.)

Grace is the original pirate queen, and lives in legend. She faked her death after living a double life for years, leaving Reginald and taking her son Diego with her. She knows Reginald doesn’t believe in her death, because she cut his eye out and nearly killed him right before she left, but everyone else believes it. She jumped from the bell tower and Klaus himself “went mad with grief” at the sight of her body, though he of course knows she’s alive and keeps up the story for her benefit. She injured Reginald so severely because he killed Ben, knowing that he wasn’t guilty, and that the witch in question had done nothing wrong anyway. She is known to be fiercely protective of her children, and kind in nature despite her ability to kill you using a historic number of methods. Her crew is made up of refugees who she offered shelter and a better life in exchange for their servitude, including Five, for awhile, who was running a scam. She knows who he is, and remembers his face well - but she keeps it to herself. Though she could match him in a fight easily, she has no interest in battling the boy she has grown to love as a son. (She’s also the one who officiates Diego and Klaus’ wedding, but that’s unrelated.)

The Handler is another pirate queen, and Grace’s greatest rival. She has two pistols at her waist and is not afraid to use them, having such deadly aim that she’s never missed a target - except Diego, which she hates him for. Also for encouraging her first mate and daughter Lila to mutiny, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Her ship is followed by an entire shiver of sharks, who let her use them like water skis whenever she wants. She abandoned Five on an island when he was born into her crew, as she hates children with a burning passion. (There are rumors she eats little boys’ bones. They have yet to be disproven.) Hazel is her snivelling first mate and Cha-Cha is her willing servant and second captain, a master at the wheel and with a sword. Agnes is an old psychic (ha, she’s faking it. She’s got no fuckin’ clue where Five is and will continue to lie whenever asked) she keeps in the brig after kidnapping her years ago, hoping to get a read on Five, who the Handler hates for constantly stealing her goods before they even make it to port. (She has no idea he’s the same boy she left on that island all those years ago - he’s certainly not the only child she’s done that to. But countless are out for her blood… almost every person Grace has rescued was left to die on an island by the Handler.) She eventually dies at Klaus’ hand, who plunges a sword through her heart in defense of his family, who she made the fatal mistake of coming after. (It happened in the same rainy battle where Lila and Eudora were married. He was wearing a yellow ballgown.)

Also Jack Sparrow is super great friends with Lila and he’s married to Will Turner who’s honestly so exhausted but gets along great with Ben and Elizabeth is their ace-aro friend who is a goddamn queen and who Diego has a lowkey crush on and Klaus can geek out with for hours. It’s awesome.

TUA DRAG QUEEN MAFIA AU

(BEWARE: murder, violence, abuse, harassment/assault, kidnapping, gangs/mafias, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

Luther, or Mariana Lucious, is Reginald’s head bodyman, running all the security units and guarding Reginald personally. He’s been in this business since he was young, as he was born into it as Reginald’s son, but would probably settle down and become a clean cop if he could. He stays because he’s terrified of Reginald, and because he’s in love with Allison, who loves him back but refuses to be with him, knowing Reginald will only try to drive them apart if he finds out they’re romantically involved in any way, even if they’re only together in the emotional sense rather than the physical. So Luther does his act in the show, every night, looking for undercover cops in the audience… and Allison, sometimes, smiling at him from some dark corner where she thinks she can’t be seen.

Diego, or Lady Scarlett, is an assassin and spy within Reginald’s mafia, only there because he’s Reginald’s son. He’s been rebelling for secret in years, letting marks go and planting fake bodies at the scene, which he can do convincingly with Klaus’ brilliant biological help. He’s been in love with Klaus for years, going on a decade now, but Reginald has forbidden them from seeing each other, as he believes their feelings for each other interfere with their work. (He’s not wrong. They got Ben killed.) They used to live together in an apartment in Brooklyn, being in love and being crazy, but then Reginald found out and has been bugging and watching their apartments ever since, forcing them to separate. Diego’s just about ready to slam this bitch back into his grave for trying to keep him from the only person in this world he’s ever truly loved.

Allison, or Risanna Lowlife, handles the deals between Reginald’s mafia and all the other gangs and clients they work with. She’s Reginald’s daughter, and by far his most well-known child, as she’s a famous actress with enough rumors to surround her to cover up any shady business people catch her in, especially since she’s the country’s darling. She actually rather enjoys handling the deals, as it’s a good way to make money and keep her mind sharp amid all the shitty scripts she’s forced to read. She loves her husband, Ray, and hasn’t left the mafia because she knows her father will only be in charge for another couple years at most - she has trained assassins for brothers, and they all hate him. She’s been in love with Luther since childhood, but knows better than to act on it - she’s not nearly as stupid as Klaus and Diego.

Klaus, or Marlowe’s Muse, is the mafia and the bar’s most popular drag queen. He does his more risque performances with Diego’s help, because it’s the singular time they can be together without Reginald’s input. Their first kiss is onstage in front of a host of clients and big mafia world leaders. Reginald hated it, so they loved it. He’s Reginald’s son, has been in this business since he was a baby, and he works as an undercover infiltrator, known for his brilliance and nimble thieving fingers. He’s tied to the business as a drug addict, one who’s trying to recover but struggling, and due to his reputation for being fucking crazy, he gets away with far more than anyone else in the organization, even killing their own people. Klaus draws the mafia’s markings on random walls around the city, marking their territory and enticing new members, and his madness makes people underestimate him all too much - he’s already started taking the steps in promoting Five to the head throne of the mafia through simple business chatter, and their father is none the wiser.

Five, or Hellhath “Devil’s Fury” Noname, is the mafia’s best assassin, and he knows it. He’s the guy who’s always sitting at the bar with a martini, unless he’s stalking across the stage in full-on drag, in which he’s known by the common moniker Devil’s Fury for his kills. As a thirteen-year-old, he’s constantly and brutally underestimated - but hey, that just makes this job easier for him. Nobody knows his real name, not even his siblings, and he’s perfectly alright with that - though sometimes he says Aidan to the mirror just to remind himself. He takes over when Reginald dies under “mysterious” circumstances, because Klaus asked him to, and Five loves Klaus, against his better judgement. He helps all of his siblings fake their deaths after the end, and puts in the best protection possible for them when he sends them on their way - look, Five may not care for much in this life, but he loves his siblings.

Ben, or Daisy Florencia, is a spy and a decoy, brilliant at distracting people enough to let the heist go off with a hitch. He’s Reginald’s son, the simultaneously most dangerous and most safe position in the entire mafia, and he’s been trying to get out for years, and bring Klaus, his partner, with him. But of course Reginald catches on. And when Ben is shot in the middle of a ballroom, making him far more of a distraction than he’d ever planned to be, he sees Klaus running towards him and hears him screaming his name and feels him touching his face and thinks, Oh. So this is what it feels like. And then he wakes up - not alive, still dead, but - here. Still here. And Klaus, with a head wound still bleeding from the people who shoved him off Ben’s body and to the hard marble ground (people who are, no doubt, dead from Diego’s hands now), stares at him with some sort of wonderful terror in his eyes and bursts into tears.

Vanya, or Viola Blueless, is one of their best decoys, because nobody suspects her. She’s too quiet. Too pale, too sickly. She also handles the money, but that’s an afterthought - as Reginald’s daughter, she needs protection, and she knows despite her deepest convictions that her family is the best way to get it. She’s desperate to be included by her siblings, all of whom seem so much older and smarter than her, even Five. But most of all, she wants to get the fuck out for Sissy and Harlan - both of whom will be shot dead soon if she doesn’t hurry the fuck up.

Sissy had a husband for a gambler, one who got mixed up in the gang’s bad shit. He’s in his grave now, and Sissy’s the one who put him there - she’s got no regrets. She was in jail for killing him until Vanya showed up and set her free, reuniting her with her son Harlan and bringing her protection within the folds of the mafia elite. They dream of running away together - but Sissy has this sinking feeling that she won’t be making it out of here alive.

Ray, or Mrs. Golden Years, is their inside cop. He would never have turned if not for Allison, who he fell completely in love with after an altercation where he watched her fight off a mugger (and kill him, but he doesn’t find out about that until later). They tried to fight it, as the relationship would be doomsday for both of them, but eventually their feelings won over and they gave in, Ray trading in his integrity and honesty for Allison’s heart of gold. They agree that they’ll leave together, but meanwhile Ray trades information from the cops to Allison sparingly, helping along the mafia’s runs. He’s as close with the family as he can get, sparring with Diego, getting high with Klaus, training with Five, chatting with Vanya… and, of course, trying to set up Luther and his wife on blind dates, because come on - Ray’s a good boo. He only wants the best for his woman.

Eudora, or King Othello, joined for Diego, her partner in all things. She and Ray are both too respected as cops to ever be considered corrupt, but they are - just for the people they love instead of greed. She takes care of the records at the precinct, fudging names and faking deaths and photographs and footage. She falls for Lila unexpectedly, but slowly, and knows how disastrous that would be if they were found out - she’s already a double agent. She can’t be a triple.

Lila, or Tia Willow, is the Handler’s best assassin, though she wasn’t even close until Five escaped. The Handler had him under her wraps for a few years, but when he got away she started grooming Lila, at that point second best. Lila sleeps with Diego occasionally, because they’re both lonely rival assassins and their parents think they’re getting intel on each other so they allow it, but really Diego just talks about Klaus and Lila waxes poetic about Eudora. Five has been trying to bring her over to their side for years, but it’s not until she finds Klaus in her mother’s basement that she finally agrees, tugging him free of his binds and bringing him, and herself, home.

Reginald is the head of the mafia, and he keeps all of his children under a tight leash. He’s not afraid to psychologically manipulate them into doing what he wants, and does when it serves him - he’s been keeping them apart for years. Five’s the only one who’s even remotely able to disobey him. When Ben died (Reginald’s fault, by the way - nobody leaves his gang if he can help it), he tricked Klaus and Diego into believing it happened because they were too distracted by each other, further driving them apart. He’s working on getting Ray a new job in California, to move him away from Allison, or maybe put them there together to get Allison away from Luther. He’ll backstab, torture, and kill whoever he needs to to keep himself on top - too bad he never learned the saying: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

The Handler, or MqMxRiskeé, is getting pretty fuckin’ tired of killing off Reginald’s cronies. None of them have been able to give her the information she needs to find Five, who’s at the top of her kill list after managing to be the first and only person to ever escape her. She thinks maybe she’s finally hit a lucky streak when she captures Klaus, Five’s beloved brother - but that fatal mistake only proves to kill not only her but her entire gang, disbanded with Lila’s help once she frees Klaus, who apparently has a lot more people loving him than the Handler had counted on for an insane drug addict worth a couple hundred kills. Fuck.

Grace, or Lively Lizzie, is the leader of the mafia at Reginald’s side, and their best decoy and front. She runs parties at her giant mansion (where they all stay when they’re not out doing business) like the great Gatsby (who visits with his husband Nick and their best friends and lesbian married couple Daisy and Jordan) to throw everyone off the scent of the mafia, when often they’re doing business right below the partygoers’ feet. She loves her children more than life itself, and is cool, calm, and collected until somebody attacks them - which explains, of course, why when she found out Reginald was responsible for Ben’s death, she went feral and stabbed him sixteen times over after cutting off his hands and feet, and then finally his head.

Pogo owns the bar where they put on their drag shows, and helps them shuffle the drugs through. He’s been a bartender forever, to the point where they’ve stopped guessing how old he is, and he always wears a white collared shirt rolled up to the elbows, suspenders and khakis, and a red bowtie. He helps Reginald’s agents finds safe houses when they need them, and screens everyone who enters the bar to make sure none of them are the Handler’s cronies. He’s never missed a mark, and he’s never wrong - which is why the moment he steps aside for Lila, Five trusts her like a sister.

Dave, or Umbrella Minx, is a civilian who got caught in the crossfire. He was dating Klaus for awhile, but died during one of their heists when he was in the store unexpectedly, bleeding out in Klaus’ arms. Klaus lives with the guilt of believing he was the one who got Dave killed, especially since their connection made Diego avoid him for what felt like eons. Unbeknownst to them, Reginald orchestrated Dave and Klaus’ whole relationship to drive Klaus and Diego further apart, though Dave was none the wiser. Klaus hates him, hates him, hates him - and nearly cries himself to death when he wakes up seeing ghosts and Dave’s is holding his hand.

Hazel and Cha-Cha are the Handler’s bodymen, and they’re ready to be done. Hazel’s fallen in love with Agnes, not realizing she’s involved in Reginald’s gang, and Cha-Cha just wants to settle down with a bunch of bunnies, preferably the blood-sucking kind. This would all be well and dandy and good… if their last mission hadn’t been to kidnap Klaus Hargreeves, essentially signing their death warrants before their lives had even begun.

Agnes runs the donut shop they funnel all the drugs through. She hides them in her counters, cases, purses, couches… and nobody suspects her because she’s just a sweet old lady who could never hurt anybody! Right? Right, of course!

TUA HUNGER GAMES AU:

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the books/films) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, human experimentation, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy AND The Hunger Games, this will be fine for you.)

(Katniss) Allison doesn’t want to be here, but she wasn’t just gonna let Ray be taken from her by a stupid punishment meant for her great-grandparents. She resolves to win the Games for Ray, so she can make it back to him and they can start their lives together in a better place. But when she wins, her life is changed in ways she never could’ve anticipated.

(Peeta) Luther won a few years ago. He’s Allison’s age, but lives up in Victor’s Village, hiding from the rest of the District. She’s the only one who’s seen him in years, as she brings him food and supplies from town as one of her jobs. She’s fallen in love with him, and he with her, and when she goes to the Games, Luther begins to work with Ray to find and aid the rebellion, hoping to bring her home alive.

(Gale) Ray has understood the tragedy of the Games far better than most others since he was very little. He was chosen when he was twelve, but his sister volunteered for him and died in the last rounds of the Games. He’s been dreaming of running away ever since, writing his pamphlets and letters in hopes of stirring up a revolution, and when Luther approaches him for help, he thinks it might just finally work. He just hopes he doesn’t lose Allison, who he’s been planning on marrying since the day he met her, now that she’s volunteered for him too. Too many people love him, he thinks, and too much.

(Rue) Claire is a young girl Allison makes friends with during her Games, taking on a motherly role to her. Claire is struck down by another tribute, Patrick, and Allison killed him, but not before Claire is already too far gone. Allison holds her as she dies and joins the revolution, eventually, in her name.

(Prim) Vanya fell in love with Sissy a long time ago. Her husband died in the coal mines, and Vanya has been a nanny and second mother to her adopted son Harlan ever since. When Harlan is chosen, Vanya volunteers in his place, knowing she’ll die. Imagine her surprise when Allison saves her with a scheme about sisterly love.

(Johanna) Lila was one of the younger victors, known for seeming meek and eventually murdering over half her fellow tributes to win. She went mad with grief and rage after the Games, and only Diego, her beloved brother who she volunteered for, could calm her. Eudora is her lover, though they keep it exceptionally quiet, and she’s incredibly close with Five, though they’ll never be self-sacrificial for one another, as it breaks their agreement to respect each other as warriors. Lila’s ready to murder Reginald for what he did to her family - but first she wants to murder the Handler, who’s kept her on a leash for years by threatening Diego’s life.

(Finnick) Eudora is a victor, and the capital’s darling. She’s quite daring and charming, and seeks to help and mentor every tribute she can, not just those from her District. She, Diego, and Lila, a victor she mentored and later her lover, were childhood friends and were all possible contenders for the Games, though Diego never participated despite being Reaped twice because both Eudora and Lila volunteered for him. She considers Diego a brother, and ensures he is safe when his rebellion threatens his life. She is the hero of the revolution, and eventually takes over as President of Umbrellacademy (Panem) after the war is won.

(Snow) Reginald is the President of Umbrellacademy, and is hated by every District. Five has tried multiple times to kill him, but Reginald has escaped his murderous clutches every time. With each attempt, Reginald has locked Five away in a pitch-black room deep beneath the ground for days or weeks on end with only food and water as signs of life. Because of this, Five is distrusting and angry and doesn’t show loyalty to those if he can help it, yet is terrified of being alone. (Five is, however, the one who executes Reginald in the end. Because he goddamn deserves to.)

(Coin / Dr. Gaul) The Handler runs the Commission (District 13), a former District bombed into nothing in the first war. Five became her ally when he won, but soon realized she held nothing but contempt for the people of the Districts just like Reginald, and escaped from her. She keeps a tight grasp on Lila, who she knows was Five’s ally and friend, and works even harder towards her goal of taking over Umbrellacademy and ruling the lands for herself. In the end, Lila kills her when she gives her an ultimatum: choose unfathomable power and riches and kill Five, or choose Five and die by his side. Lila gives her a sad look and plunges her sword into the Handler’s heart wordlessly, gathering Five to her chest.

(Haymitch) Five has been bitter and angry since his victory, which occurred in the first quarter quell. His District chose him overwhelmingly, voting for him to be in the Games because he offered to give up his life for their children by being the tribute, knowing he could win. The trouble came when his fellow tribute Dolores, an unwanted, became his ally and friend, eventually sacrificing herself for him. One of her snakes bit him and the venom made him ageless, so he’s looked thirteen for forty-five years. He helps run the resistance, eventually leading it as the war worsens and they lose more and more people. Because of Dolores, he does not allow anyone to get too close to him, but is kind and loyal to anyone he does choose to hold his favor - Lila, Diego, Klaus, Allison, Luther, Vanya, and Ben. Though he’s gone mad from his traumatic experiences and time alone, he’s still one of Umbrellacademy’s most treasured citizens, and lives celebrated as a war hero by every survivor comes the war’s end.

(Effie) Klaus travelled to the Capitol when he was seventeen after his lover Dave volunteered for him in District 12. Horrified, Klaus followed him as a stowaway on the train, earning Five’s respect and protection. When Dave died, Klaus was devastated, and turned to drinking and partying to drown his woes. He works for the resistance with Five, but keeps his persona so bubbly and aloof nobody would ever suspect him of being even nearly as smart as he is. He’s found ways to manipulate the Capitol’s scientific brilliance for his own tributes’ advantage, once he won his right to be an escort for his District following Dave’s death. He used this knowledge to save one of his tributes, Ben, whom he formed so strong an attachment to they became near-lovers, partners in all but the physical. Klaus faked his death during training and preserved his spirit in the body of a mockingjay, who he keeps as a pet. He is dangerous, but vulnerable - for all his brilliance, Klaus is prone to emotional attachments, and finds himself making careless mistakes when the lives of his loved ones are threatened.

(Cinna) Diego is the fashion designer for District 12, having come to the Capitol with his sister Eudora after she won her Games. They’re both from District 4, but he instead chooses to work for 12, entranced by the District’s escort Klaus from their first meeting. The two fall deeply in love, but only acknowledge it in coded conversations and never touch if they can help it, knowing that to take any risk in revealing their feelings for each other would result in one or both of them being killed by the Capitol as an example. Diego has another sister in Lila, who volunteered for him when he was Reaped a second time, and protects both of them with his life. He is close to Five, who he works with closely when training tributes, and immediately recognizes Allison as the face of their rebellion, risking his life for her in the hopes that she will lead them to a better world where he can finally hold Klaus in his arms.

(Cato) Leonard is a tribute in Allison’s Games. He tries to kill Vanya, which prompts Allison to kill him towards the end of the Games. Though he had very little chance originally due to being from the incredibly poor District 8, he grew in danger with every tribute dead, and was well-known for his manipulative charm that won him many sponsors. Allison’s hatred of him does not stop him from showing himself as a prominent victim in her many traumatic dreams.

Hazel and Cha-Cha are peacekeepers, both of whom have wavering loyalties to the Capitol. Hazel is on the fence because he fell in love with a District 12 marketplace vendor, Agnes, and Cha-Cha has been in touch with the Commission for years, hoping to bring the rebellion to the forefront and finally make a safe home with Hazel that isn’t so structured and merciless. This is made difficult by the fact that the Handler has complete control over them, threatening Agnes’ life if they don’t cooperate, and they’ll both do anything to save her - Hazel because he loves her, and Cha-Cha because she loves Hazel.

Agnes is a woman from District 12 who sells tributes lucky charms. She gave Allison her wolf, and Five his snake, and Klaus his mockingjay, and continues to help her people in whatever way she can, offering them bread and treats in secret whenever she manages to scrounge some from Hazel and Cha-Cha. She’s a prominent figure in the black market, but dies when District 12 is bombed, prompting Hazel and Cha-Cha to begin infiltrating the Peacekeepers from the inside despite the overwhelming risks.

(Lucy Gray) Dolores was Five’s ally and friend in his Games, one who shared his emblem of snakes. She learned to control them and change their venom’s property with herbs, granting Five agelessness when she had one bite him just before dying in his arms, having sacrificed herself so he could win. Her death cemented Five’s hatred of the Games and Capitol and his belief of attachments as weaknesses, and he often hallucinates her and speaks with her phantom when he’s locked away from the world, leading her to be known as a sore subject with Five and his greatest weakness. (That is, until his new family comes along and gives him something to fight for.)

(Mockingjay) Ben was a tribute in one of Klaus’ first Games as an escort, and he fell in deep platonic love with him. The two remained bonded throughout the years, as Klaus saved Ben by faking his death and keeping him in the body of a mockingjay until their victory in the second war, and Ben stayed by Klaus’ side for all that time as his beloved pet. Klaus would receive the names of marks from Five and give Ben poison to kill them with, having found a way to alter the venom in Ben’s talons from records of Dolores and Five’s Games, and a couple of vague and shallow conversations between himself and the latter. When Ben returns to his human form, Klaus tugs him into his arms and thanks him for all he’s done, never leaving his side again.

TUA DANCE SCHOOL AU

(but also like there's murder in here because it's still Umbrella Academy so...)

(BEWARE: mentions of abuse and harassment, murder, kidnapping, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Ballet, Hip-Hop) Diego came to this school for Eudora, and he’s staying here for Eudora. She’s his beloved adopted sister, and the one who told him he should pursue his passions in hip-hop… and ballet, but Diego’s not interested in telling anyone that bit yet. He’s only gonna be here a year anyway, just long enough for Eudora to win her way onto the women’s US national soccer team and earn enough money for the both of them to live worry-free for the rest of their lives. He’s not planning on making friends… until one of the dancers in his ballet class trips into his chest and Diego starts questioning whether love at first sight is a thing.

(Ballet) Klaus is top of his class in ballet, which is the only reason they haven’t kicked him out yet. He’s addicted to some hard shit; he’s sold himself for money; he’s living with his abusive boyfriend who he hasn’t loved in three years because if he wasn’t he’d be homeless. He knows he’d be fine if he just told Five what was happening to him, because Five is a thirteen-year-old runaway genius living in a studio apartment big enough for three, but Klaus doesn’t know how to bring it up. He knows he’s a mess - he’s got serious PTSD, anxiety, and depression from his few months in the army where his boyfriend he actually loved was killed in front of him, and he’s got anorexia because he’s a ballerina so of course he does, and he’s probably suicidal if he thinks about it too hard. But he just doesn’t want to deal with it. At all. But then there’s Diego. Sweet, innocent, hero-like Diego. And Klaus loves him. Klaus doesn’t love anything, but, fuck - Klaus loves Diego.

(Ballet, Break Dance, Hip-Hop, Tango) Five is a killer. You can laugh, it’s okay - everybody does when he says that, as if it’s a joke. Five’s alright with that. He has more to lose from them finding out about his habits than he does from actually doing it. It’s not like he can get caught - he’s killed detectives and cops too, and he’s very good at covering his tracks. Next on his list is Klaus’ boyfriend, who’s a piece of shit. He’ll bring Klaus home with him, and keep him safe. Five may not be loyal to many, but those he is will die of nothing but natural causes. He has access to things you can only dream of. All of his dance classes double for training; dance is a good segway to fighting techniques. The only trouble is Diego, who Five loves, who Klaus loves, who is well and true and good… who looks far too much like that vigilante who travels around after hours saving Five’s victims before they’re done bleeding out.

(Flamenco, Hula, Hip-Hop) Allison is undercover, and ready to be done with this shit. She knows Five’s guilty, and knows he knows she knows he’s guilty, and knows that if he wanted her dead she would be by now. She’s worried about his intentions towards Diego, but Five seems to have instead set his sights on Klaus’ boyfriend, who Allison can’t honestly say she’ll be sad to see go. So Allison won’t be bringing Five in - at least not yet. Instead, she focuses her efforts on her dance classes, hanging out mostly with her best friends Klaus and Ray, the latter of whom she has a crush on. And she’d make a move, too, if it weren’t for that stupidly hot and kind himbo she keeps passing in the hallways and cursing at.

(Jock, Break Dance) Luther doesn’t fit in here. Everyone here is so fucking talented, and Luther just… isn’t. Break dancing is just a hobby to him, but dance seems like life or death to everybody else. He’s starting to think maybe he should just quit, but then he sees Allison in the hallways, and thinks maybe all the ridicule is worth it. Though his petty fights with that Diego kid are getting annoying… and there’s something unexplainably sinister about this school. Almost like it’s… he doesn’t know. Sometimes it’s almost like it’s not a school at all.

(Choreographer, Contemporary) Ben is one of the school’s choreographers, though he’s still a student. He knows everything about everyone, and uses that power carefully. This school is going to fucking hell, what with all the criminals scheming under its roof, but none of them are Ben’s first concern, loathe as he is to admit it. No no, Ben is worried about Klaus. His best friend, Klaus. His beloved brother Klaus. His abused, sick, sad, scared, suicidal brother. God. Here’s the thing - Ben will do anything to save Klaus. Anything. Even, he knows with some sort of horrible inevitable certainty, die.

(Violinist) Vanya plays violin for the dance students to perform to. Her teacher Leonard is harassing her and she’s probably gonna end up his invisible victim one of these days, since nobody seems to care about her here. Except for Sissy, the student volunteer secretary who’s attending a normal college across the way. She and Vanya are in love, and they’ve moved in together and Sissy proposed to Vanya last week and Vanya thinks they’re maybe gonna be happy together forever. And then Five, Vanya’s only sort-of friend, climbs through her window at two in the morning covered in blood, passing out with only the words, Sorry. It’s not mine. Vanya screams, and it’s all downhill from there.

(Tango, Waltz, Ballroom) Ray is undercover with Allison, but she seems uninterested in bringing Five to justice. Not that Ray minds - she’s a pretty good judge of character, and Ray trusts her with his life, even if she seems to be hellbent on letting a serial killer go free. Ray’s also found an oddly fulfilling friendship with Klaus, and vows to make sure he gets his happy ending with Diego. But then he finds Ben’s bloody and beaten body in the second floor bathroom after class one day and thinks, Oh. Shit.

(Ballet, Break Dance, Tango) Lila is in the know. The Handler wants someone to combat Five, who went rogue on her a year ago and only sticks around this stupid school to keep an eye on Klaus. Lila, meanwhile, is looking for a way out - Five’s not an option. He’s too sticky. But Eudora, that soccer star at the school across the street, her best friend Diego’s sister… Eudora’s a way out. (And she’s really fucking pretty too, but that’s unrelated.)

(Jock, Hip-Hop) Eudora has this weird feeling about the school she sent Diego too. If she’s being honest, she sent him there because she knows about his vigilante-ism and thought it’d give him something else to do. But when Eudora comes to visit him (and yes, maybe Lila with the eyeliner and pretty skin), she instead finds her brother’s crush tied up in the basement and screaming. And then there’s a gunshot. And then there’s nothing.

(Ballet I Guess) Dolores is the statue formally known as the “Little Dancer of Fourteen Years”. She’s at the museum right near the dance school, and Five visits her nearly every day, talking to her about any and everything. Sometimes Klaus comes with him, or Diego. Five doesn’t know why she’s important - she just is.

(Orchestra & Flamenco Teacher) Leonard is the creepy and perverted orchestra and flamenco teacher. Allison hates him on sight, but loves dancing, and can’t leave. Vanya doesn’t trust him, and he seems hellbent on treating her inappropriately, and Allison wants to fucking throttle him. But she’s sure Five will take care of it. He’s good like that.

(Ballroom Teacher) Hazel teaches ballroom dancing, and has been married to Agnes for almost twenty years now. His best friend and partner is Cha-Cha, and they both secretly work for the Handler, having been given their orders to dismantle Five. They know they’ll have to make him come to them, so they take Five’s favorite person: Klaus. It’s really such a shame that Ben boy found out what was going on and confronted them - he was far too polite to die.

(Break Dance & Hip-Hop Teacher) Cha-Cha probably wants to leave the Umbrella Academy, if she’s really honest with herself. She wants to… I don’t know, buy a boat and fuck off forever. Leave all this stupid shit behind. But now she’s got Ben’s blood on her hands and she can’t undo that, she can’t, and there’s - there’s Eudora, sweet, brave, innocent Eudora, bleeding out on the basement floor while Klaus screams. And Cha-Cha knows Diego - she’s just dug her own grave twice over.

(Ballet & Hula Teacher) Agnes is, on the contrary to most people’s expectations, not an oblivious idiot. She knows exactly what’s going on in her school. She also knows her students can handle themselves.

(First Dean, Tango Teacher) The Handler thinks she’s got all her secrets well under wraps. No one knows how many bodies she’s buried, how many students she’s killed… she’s safe from everyone but Five, the little bitch. And she thinks this up until the moment Klaus walks through her office door with a gun in his hand and the smiling ghost of Ben beside him, and realizes, Oh shit.

(Second Dean, Waltz Teacher) Reginald gives no fucks. He’s only teaching here because Pogo says it would be good for him. Granted Reginald thinks Pogo is a bit of an annoying wussy, but nonetheless he’s here. Teaching “secret” assassins how to dance. What a fucking joke.

(Counselor) Grace is everybody’s favorite person. When the school finally falls, she’s the one they all go home to. She only wishes they could learn how to dance without weapons beneath their skirts.

This turned out way darker than I intended and I am not sorry.

TUA DISNEY AUs: Hercules (Pt. XVI)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: a ton of greek mythology because i'm a fucking nerd, immortal contracts, my severe hatred of zeus clashing badly with my absolute adoration of the soft boi that is sweet lovely hades, this is basically just crack and i'm sorry, the day i wrote it i think i lost it, anyway, have fun kids, make good choices, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Megara) Five was born to Cleopatra and Marc Antony and abandoned in a river when he was only a few days old. He floated down the river to Greece, where he was taken in by Klaus, a grieving widow hated by every god but Aphrodite, who pities him since his spouse was her son Ben. (Oh, and Dionysus because it’s Klaus.) Klaus eventually married Diego, and the three of them were a happy family until both of Five’s parents were killed by the gods’ wrath, prompting his lifelong hatred of the gods. He lived on his own for awhile before making friends with a girl named Dolores, but she died at the hands of the Chimera, sent by Hermes as a practical joke (weak little fucker). Five made a deal with the Handler for her life, the deal of Orpheus and Eurydice, but he looked back just a few feet from the surface, trapping her in the underworld forever and sealing his bitterness and resentment for eternity in the strings of Fate. He now refuses to get attached to people out of fear of making the same mistake all over again, and with his brilliance with a sword and sassy nature, it’s not difficult for him to scare people away. The only one who doesn’t back off is Luther - and Five hates him for it, before he loves him.

(Hercules) Luther is a big himbo who just wants to save people. And everybody’s chill with that! Except Five, the only person Luther really wants to save, as he sees him as somewhat of a little brother. Luther began to train to be a warrior when his Spartan wife Allison was killed by Reginald, prompting Luther to go on a whole I-hate-(Zeus)-Reginald spree by basically wandering around Greece and saving Reginald’s damned mistresses and telling Grace all about them so she can fuck him up. He often speaks to the Moon when he’s in need of company, though she never answers because. Ya know. She’s a hunk of ROCK. Anyway, my point is he’s a moron but he’s trying his best so we’re gonna give him a gold star sticker for it okay?

(Hades) The Handler has blue fire for hair and a striking stack of anger issues. She rules her realm with an iron fist and wants to conquer any others she can, making herself queen of the Olympians. So far it’s not going well, but that’s just because Five keeps getting in her way, the little bitch. HEY! TINY TWERP! NEWSFLASH, YOU WORK FOR ME, ASSHOLE! Anyway - he isn’t even scared of her, which really pisses her off, especially because like everyone else is. Including her five muses, who she keeps under control by threatening Klaus, who she keeps under control by threatening Ben, a spirit Klaus seems to care for above all others. Ugh. Weaklings. But soon enough she’ll never have to see them again - high in the clouds, sitting atop an indestructible throne of her enemies’ skulls. Yeah. Take that, Reginald. *sticks tongue out*

(Zeus) Reginald rules the gods and smites anyone who disrespects him, including his son’s wife because, I dunno, she was making him too happy? Yeah. What a major dick. Fuck that guy. (Yes that’s all I’ve got to say MOVING ON -)

(Hera) Grace adores her kids, even if they’re not her kids. She visits the muses often because she has always been and remains the only person in the whole universe the Handler is afraid of, probably because she can and has bring back quite a few of the multiple people her husband has murdered. Five is her favorite living child (Diego is her favorite dead one) and she only puts Luther through hell on all those quests to distract Reginald while she just mosies on down to the Underworld to fight that bitch who’s been imprisoning her sons for like a decade. End of story. Please and thank you.

(The Muses)

Klaus was chosen to marry Ben, who nobody had ever seen but who was rumored to be a monster. They spent every night together, speaking for hours in the dark but never laying eyes on each other, until one day Klaus caught a glimpse of Ben’s face the first time they kissed (platonically because I honestly do not ship them I know I’m surprised and impressed with myself too) and Ben was banished to the Underworld in his heartbreak. (So Psyche and Eros, basically, because I’m a nerd.) Klaus grieved him without rest until he found Five, and began to raise the child as his own, bringing back some semblance of joy in his dreary life. He then fell in love with and married the hunter Diego against the gods’ wishes, the two of them living happily with Five for a few years before Klaus was killed by Poseidon, who was furious with him for stealing the child that was meant to be a victim of the sea, and Artemis, who was fucking pissed at him for stealing her favorite hunter. He now works as one of the five muses, though he’s eventually reunited with his son and they and Diego and Ben are brought back to life to live immortally on Olympus by Grace, who, did I mention, fucking loves her children. Oh, and Klaus kills the Handler with the favor of Aphrodite and Dionysus because fuck that bitch for hurting my son.

Allison was a teacher and a warrior in Sparta, the head of her own legion, when she met and married Luther, a lost soul just looking to save people. She continued to amass power in the army while he played her housewife at home, the two of them just starting to talk about kids when her bitch father-in-law decided to smite her for some fucking reason I dunno, and now she’s here, a muse in the Underworld. Well the joke’s on him, because now she’s immortal, bitch. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. She’s just waiting for her husband to get down to Elysium so she can make out with him again. In the meantime, she focuses on protecting Klaus and the other muses (even Lila and Diego, both of whom insist they don’t need protecting the idiots) as well as coaxing Five down here to fight the Handler, who has ticked her off for the last time. Allison is a fucking Spartan warrior and she will not be pushed aside by some bitchin’-ass power-hungry dickwads! She’s got shit to do, people! Get the fuck out her way!

Lila fell in love with her own reflection, too vain and full of hubris to ever pay attention to anyone else. (Basically Narcissus because I want to and I can.) Aphrodite found this bitch annoying, so she punished her by banishing her to the Underworld and cursing her to never be able to see her own reflection again. Now she mostly hangs out with Diego, finding mortals boring and insatiable, as he is immune to her beauty. Eudora, however, is not - and gods, Lila may not love anything more than herself in this world but Eudora is coming pretty fuckin’ close to fixing that.

Diego was born to be favored by Ares and Athena, becoming a quick favorite of theirs due to his impressive skills with a knife and his honorable moral code. When he and their daughter Eudora bonded on the battlefield, the two gods believed they would be blessed with a union for the ages, but Diego betrayed their kindness when he swore his loyalty to Artemis as one of her hunters, taking an oath of celibacy and maintaining only friendship with Eudora. (So, yes, Orion.) However, he then broke his vow never to fall in love when he met Klaus, who at the time was raising Five alone. He left Artemis’ side to marry him, and lost all three of his once-adoring gods’ favor. When Klaus died, Diego fell into unconventional jobs to support Five, eventually taking up bets in the arena, fighting for prize money. He was Greece’s champion for a long time, beloved by the people and leaving Five with a great number of riches and homes to enjoy, but eventually died against the fearsome lions of Caeser, who had struck a deal with Apollo to do Diego in as revenge for his sister - and none of the three gods that had before considered Diego a son and brother gave him help, though he died without ever pleading for it once. He became a muse, reunited with Klaus, and they wait for their son to come home to Elysium, to be reunited with them forevermore.

Vanya was a muse of Apollo, living a lovely life as his mistress of violin. When she fell in love with Sissy, a servant of Demeter, they had an ill-advised affair that resulted in a magical child named Harlan, which pissed off their patron gods to no end. They were killed for their love and sent to live immortally apart in the Underworld as punishment for abandoning their loyalties and siring a child (though Apollo and Reginald had a fight about this because Apollo is a fabulous bisexual and Reginald is a homophobic piece of shit), always close but never close enough.

(Three Fates)

Agnes has a bad habit of cutting people’s strings by accident, since she’s got such shaky hands. She often steals the eye she shares with her fellow Fates and flirts with Hazel in her free time, knowing even one of her winks can send him sputtering for the hills (read: rocky mountains of fiery molten death). Though largely uncaring about the humans whose strings she cuts, she cares for Five and tries to help him where she can, as he is sweet to her and always takes the time to tell her a story or two when he visits the Underworld, even if he’s in the middle of an epic quest or heist or something or other.

Sissy ran from her abusive husband straight into the arms of Demeter, who accepted her as a refugee in exchange for her eternal servitude. Overjoyed to be rid of Carl, Sissy lived happily in service of her patron goddess until she met Vanya, and fell so deeply in love she could see clearly no more. After their son was born, Reginald killed her, angry at her for having a child with another woman. She now spends her days trying to hack her way to the surface to find her son, who she’s sure is still alive, as she maintains his string as a Fate. She works most days blind, never really caring which of her fellow Fates has the eye, and uses this excuse to explain why she “accidentally” cut Carl’s string prematurely, and also Leonard’s, who she knows used to harass Vanya as a messenger of Eris. Because fuck them. Sissy has no time for morons.

Eudora is the daughter of Ares and Athena, and pleased them greatly with her skills as a warrior and her close relationship to their favored mortal Diego, though she could never quite explain to them that the two of them were never anything romantic. She died honorably in battle and passed into Elysium, where she resided for a few years before hearing of Diego’s death and trying to break both him and his husband Klaus into Elysium with her. This pissed off both the Handler and Eudora’s parents, who hated her for choosing to be loyal to Diego over them. She was therefore punished with the task of being a Fate, a job she hates with a burning passion. Her only joy is Diego, and Lila - a beautiful muse with whom Eudora indulges in a coded flirtation but nothing beyond, both of them knowing Vanya and Sissy’s legend could all too well repeat itself with them if they dared to ever touch. (Also, Eudora loves Five. Like, loves Five. She and Lila are the fun aunts who take him on awesomely dangerous adventures when his parents are on their fifty-sixth honeymoon.)

(Goatman) Pogo is favored by Pan, and trained Luther to become a soldier after Allison died. This pissed off the gods, as Luther was prophesized to change the tides of rule in Olympus, and they told him to stop. He said fuck you. Reginald tried to incinerate him with bolts of lightning. Like fifteen fucking times. Pogo just kept on goin’. It’s honestly concerning how good he is at not dying. (Oh, and he and Five like to make fun of Luther together. That’s not important to the plot but it’s important to me.)

(Pain & Panic)

Hazel is Panic, and therefore is always freaking out about something or other. Due to this, he is horrible at flirting, and the first time he ever tried to he told Agnes that, and I quote, “Your eye looks like a donut but like a dead one not a good one.” Gods help this man. (Hephasteus is trying - but there’s really only so much he can do for a small fire man who works for the Handler and has an anxiety attack at the thought of donuts.)

Cha-Cha is Pain, and therefore is covered in a number of weapons and elements that hurt all those who dare to touch her. She thinks Hazel is a snivelling brat and follows the Handler willingly, doing her bidding without question. She hates Agnes a lot and hates Five more, because they annoy the fuck out of her mistress so of course they annoy the fuck out of her, and she tried to kill Klaus once but all that did was put a target on her back for Aphrodite and Dionysus to rain down hell(?) on her. Fuck. I hate my life.

(Fuckin’ Jesus) Ray is the zombie Jesus. He walks around converting people to the religion of Cheeseburgeranity and has the hots for Allison. Yes I know this entire AU is just crack. I am tired. Give me a break.

Also Patroclus and Achilles are living out a happy life on a gay little farm completely undisturbed and wearing flowercrowns and Hyacinthus and Apollo are having a great-ass time with the lovely aro-ace Miss Daphne Tree (Nymph) and all the Olympian kids are having a gay old time and Five and Nico are like BFFs and Hermes and Hestia are just chillin’ and bein’ BFFs away from all the drama and life is great please and thank you have a nice day.

TUA DISNEY AUs: MARVEL (Pt. XIV)

(okay really it’s just The Winter Soldier but shut up I don’t care it’s my favorite movie and I can do what I want)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, manipulation, war crimes, torture, memory loss, etc.)

(If you can handle watching MARVEL or Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

Also I matched characters to characters based on personality so the pairings are different but it is incredibly important to me that you know that Stucky has owned my heart for nearly five years now and that will never ever ever change.

(Steve) Allison found herself rejected from the army on the basis of being a woman, and was only able to join up after some science enabled her infallible control over reality. She had a righthand man, Diego, who was also experimented on, but by the other side. Allison fell in love with a fellow soldier named Ray (Peggy), but when Diego died, Allison chose to fall with him, kissing Ray only once before locking herself in ice in a plane beneath the frozen waves. She’s woken up seventy years later and slowly filled in on the human world, finding a reincarnation of Ray who has the same body and personality but a new life, one in which he’s earned himself his own scientific experiment, growing large, painful white wings (Sam). She falls in love with him all over again, but struggles to keep him safe as she fights for the world under the moniker of “Captain America”.

(Bucky) Diego had his memory wiped and was forced to kill people for the seventy years in between his “death” and when a prophet named Klaus told Allison of his continued existence. The challenge to his mental programming is set when he’s sent on a mission to kill Ben by the Commission, who believe him to be getting too close to them in his search for Klaus (Hydra). When Diego does, his programming malfunctions, as Klaus, who can see dead people, screams at the sight of Ben with Diego’s fingerprints on his neck. Their love affair is broken by this, with Klaus refusing to speak to Diego afterwards despite them being each other’s only company in captivity. This incident is what cracks Diego’s well-sculpted mind well enough to get him to question the system he’s a part of, and to start on his way towards escape and redemption… but he won’t leave without Klaus.

(Natasha) Five is well-known as the reformed assassin with connections on the inside who you don’t want to fuck with under any circumstances. People often disregard him as a thirteen-year-old trans person, but it’s usually the last mistake they make. He’s one of the key players in rescuing Klaus and Diego, both of whom he claims to have known, and it’s not until the Commission’s files are released that Allison comes to the realization that Five looks so young because he was another scientific experiment performed by Reginald Hargreeves in the 40s, one that rendered him ageless and extremely hard to kill, though not fully immortal. He and Diego were in the same regiment before the experiment was carried through, and he knew Klaus from his missions for the Umbrella Academy (S.H.I.E.L.D.). Five is, in the end, probably the reason they all make it out alive - even if he leaves a couple hundred casualties behind all by himself.

(Clint / Fury) Ben is an expert agent, one whose tentacles (lab experiment gone wrong) and kind sort of intelligence have made him famous within the Umbrella Academy. Klaus, his (queerplatonic) partner, was captured and presumed dead maybe ten years ago, and it’s fueled Ben’s passion for saving people ever since. He’s still looking for Klaus, unable to believe that his beloved partner is dead, and it nearly pays off - he gets really fucking close to splitting open the Commission. And then a man who he met in a bar some five years ago right before a murder, a man who looks suspiciously like the photo Allison keeps in her locket, a man who has an umbrella tattoo on his wrist and the words hello goodbye written on his palms, shoots him down dead.

(Bruce) Vanya grew up in an abusive household, and became famous once she was rescued from her isolation. She used the violin as a coping mechanism for her trauma, but got so good that she made a career off of it. She was known for getting so caught up in the music she’d forget where she was. One night there was a fire at the opera house where she was performing, and she didn’t notice, too busy playing. While she somehow, freakishly, avoided any burns, enough smoke fills her lungs that she no longer often speaks. From then on, she has odd powers, but they only seem to show themselves when she’s angry, and when they do show themselves, they are explosive and dangerous. Out of fear of hurting those around her, she begins to isolate herself again… but nobody can hide from their family forever.

(Tony / Wanda) Klaus used to be a well-known billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist, but then he was kidnapped by the Commission for his incredible knowledge and talent. They erased his memory beyond his genius, but as they weren’t erasing everything, the machine was a bit faulty and accidentally gave him the power to speak to the dead. The only memory he keeps is Ben, who he remembers no matter how hard the agents try to erase him, eventually giving up once they realize it’s fruitless. At first he’s catatonic when they try to use him, so they throw him in a cell, thinking they’ll dispose of him later. There he meets Diego, with whom he falls deeply, crazily in love, and they carry out an ill-advised affair under the Commission’s eye, which backfires both for them and the agents, as they often give up information and do as they’re told when the other is threatened, but can become feral and deadly in the same situations. Though Diego breaks Klaus’ heart when he kills Ben, Klaus still loves him despite all of his best efforts, and when the time comes, lets himself fall from the helicarrier to save Diego, who can’t hold up both of them. Diego, naturally, follows him without a second thought, tugging a bewildered Klaus into his arms and ignoring his strangled cries and painful shoves at his chest. As the helicarrier bursts into flames above them, the two share what they believe will be their final kiss, streaking towards the bloody water like a shooting star. (Luckily Allison and Ben make a wish.)

(Thor / Sharon) Luther is an alien stuck on earth, stranded here from his home on the moon. Not that he wants to leave. It’s awesome here. But Allison, the love of his life, is - well - taken, and he has no interest in ruining her happiness. He hates that bitch assassin who keeps coming after her, but doesn’t know how to handle it, as Diego is clearly traumatized and unstable and Allison clearly still loves him. Luther’s shapeshifting powers and strength can only do so much in a battle involving bullets and fire. He’s Reginald’s man - the head of the Umbrella Academy, a cruel and obsessive man who sees the humans he employs as experiments (Pierce). Luther is starting to question his leadership, but not nearly enough to challenge it… until Allison gives him an ultimatum - help her save Diego, or lose her forever. And really, if he’s truly honest with himself… it was never even a choice.

(Loki) Lila is tired of being put down for her brilliance. Sure, she’s tricked and killed a couple hundred people, but at least she’s smart. Most of these agents she’s now being forced to work with are dumb as rocks. Really, she just wants to get some sort of footing in her own life instead of constantly playing beck-and-call with the Handler. But as a prisoner of the Umbrella Academy, formerly an agent of the Comission, and sworn enemy number one of Mr. Five Hargreeves, she’s basically fucked. Until a really really really pretty king steps in on her behalf - Eudora fucking Patch.

(T’Challa) Eudora rules a secret kingdom, flanked by her two best guards, Beaman and Peterson (Nakia and Okoye). She is not questioned as a leader, as she’s been king for some seven years and had no trouble. When Allison comes to her kingdom to ask that she hide Allison’s fugitive friends Diego and Klaus, Eudora agrees, and houses the two in her palace. She employs Lila, on parole since she sort of helped save New York, to help fix Diego and Klaus’ minds, which are severely damaged following their stints under the Commission’s control. Eudora falls for Lila slowly, but deeply, and chooses, against her better judgement and the advice of her council, to make her her queen. She doesn’t regret it - and she never questions for a second whether she should.

TUA DISNEY AUs: Moana (Pt. XII)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the film) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: murder?, i don't know i don't really remember, sorry, i guess, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

(Moana) Allison is in line to be chieftess, but she wasn’t always. She used to have six siblings, but they all slowly disappeared before she came of age, leaving her alone with her crazed father. He won’t allow her near the ocean, claiming it’s dangerous since it claimed her brother Ben’s life so many years ago, but somehow Allison thinks there’s more to that story than meets the eye (ears?)… and when Lila, the goddess of darkness, comes to claim Allison’s island, it gives her a chance to look for answers. She steals away in the night to save her home and her people, taking only Ray with her.

(Maui) Luther was banished and stripped of his shapeshifting powers when Lila’s heart was taken, as Reginald needed to blame someone for the goddess’ anger and Luther was the only choice - just he and Allison remained by that point and Allison had always been of more use. He now lurks on an island, waiting for Allison to come and bring him home.

(Te Ka) Lila was the dark to Eudora’s light. They were ancient goddesses who presided over all nature, but the sea goddess the Handler became jealous of their love and power and sent one of her minions to steal Lila’s heart, destroying the balance between the two lovers. Lila became bitter and angry and Eudora fell into a deep despair, the two of them separated for eternity lest some brave soul can bring them back together.

(Te Fiti) Eudora fell into a deep, sad sleep after losing Lila, and wakes only once a year to be nurtured by Diego, Klaus, and Five, who live on her shores. She will sleep forever, she vows, unless Lila is returned to her, but as much as Diego, Klaus, and Five want to save her, they cannot bear leave one another alone on the island.

Ray is a beloved healer on the island, a wiseman who can control the winds. Allison takes him with her because a guy who can control the winds is pretty fucking useful on a journey in a sailboat across the sea, and Ray follows her because he is deeply, desperately in love with her, and this is the closest he will ever get to telling her and he knows it.

Diego left seven nights after Klaus killed himself. He rescued Klaus, not dead after all, from the island where he found Five and the three of them made their own family and home together on Eudora’s island. They care for her together, and hope and pray for someone to come and save her soon. But when they recieve word from Ben that their home is dying, Diego finally leaves to go looking for Lila’s heart, kissing Klaus goodbye and leaving his husband and son to care for Eudora alone.

Klaus was the tribe’s resident crazy person, voodoo witch doctor, and herbalist who could speak to the dead. He fled home, faking his death by jumping off a cliff in front of a multitude of village people just a few nights after Ben died. The ghosts caught him, but nobody else knew that, and Klaus sailed as far as he could until he reached Lila’s island, where he found Five stranded. He stayed there with him, braving the furious ash and fire for almost a year before Diego found and rescued them, taking them to Eudora’s safe haven. Klaus knows he must remain dead to the world outside of his chosen family - Reginald wants to kill him, because he’s the only link to Ben. And Reginald can’t have anyone knowing the truth about what happened to Ben.

Vanya was kidnapped by (read: sold by Reginald to) Leonard, a patron of the Handler who kept watch over an island full of mortal women. Vanya fell in love with Sissy, one of the island’s residents, and helped take care of her son Harlan, who she had with one of the island’s overseers. The island is a volcano beneath the sea, and therefore impossible to reach without the Handler’s personal approval, but when Vanya starts a revolt and wins back the island, it seems like things are finally looking up. That is, until they’re not.

Five left first, when Reginald wouldn’t let him practice his magic. He was tossed about by the storms, and stranded alone on a timeless island for what felt like forty-five years before the Handler offered him a second chance in her waters. He accepted, but jumped ship as soon as he could, which happened to be on Lila’s island. He made friends with a lot of coconuts, all named Dolores, until Klaus showed up, saving him from his solitude. The happiest day of his life was when Diego came and got them off Lila’s island long enough to land them on Eudora’s. Five wonders if he’ll ever make it home.

Ben was drowned in the sea by Reginald when he was seventeen. He had found out where Lila’s heart was and intended to return it to the goddess, and Reginald, who had a deal with the Handler regarding an exchange of power once all of the islands were destroyed, killed Ben to keep him from ruining the plan. Ben encouraged Klaus to flee, knowing Reginald would kill him too, and has been by Klaus’ side ever since, working to save their home and people by bringing their family back together. It’s going… okay to be honest it’s going kind of shitty.

Hazel was perfectly happy living with his wife Agnes on their own island, all of their people lost to the Handler. But when Agnes became sick, Hazel made a deal with the Handler - Agnes’ life for Hazel’s eternal servitude. Unfortunately, Agnes passed away just as they shook hands, and the Handler can’t bring anyone back from the dead. Hazel lived on the island where Vanya was held in despair for years, eventually giving his life to give Vanya and the other captives a chance to escape.

Cha-Cha was an Amazonian warrior captured and brainwashed by the Handler into doing her bidding. She stole Lila’s heart, the only one capable enough to do so, and broke free of the Handler’s training the moment it touched her palm, the two goddesses’ influences canceling each other out. She now guards the heart where she hid it so many years ago, keeping it safe from the Handler and all her allies. To get the heart, you have to get past her - and nobody’s done that yet.

The Handler literally is the ocean. She is the ancient goddess of the sea, an incredibly powerful position, but was jealous of Lila and Eudora’s love and power and stole Lila’s heart as a way of taking that power for herself. Unfortunately, she can’t take any of that power until all of the islands are destroyed and Eudora dies, at which point Lila will be rendered obsolete.

Reginald is the murderous and psychopathetic chief of the siblings’ home island. They all hate him and he hates them. He made a deal with the Handler for infinite power and killed his own son in cold blood. He’s a bitch and we’re all glad he’s dead now.

Grace is the siblings’ beloved mother and is known around the village as a healer and a caretaker. Diego is reunited with her in the final battle saving her from Lila’s violent hand, only to lose her when she chooses to become the new ocean goddess once the Handler is purged from sea. But they still feel close to her, able to see her whenever they wish, however blue she may be.

Pogo is the wiseman who meditates all the time and gives both useful and useless advice. He is killed by the Handler when he won’t tell her the location of Lila’s heart.

Diego learns the location of Lila’s heart from Klaus, who learned it from Ben, and sets off to retrieve it and take it home to Lila. He wins the heart from Cha-Cha, earning her respect and trust when he passes her maze of hallucinations, choosing to save the ghosts of Five and Klaus instead of get his greatest wish. Diego is ushered from her island safely to Luther’s, where he gives the heart to Allison.

Ray and Allison share a dramatic, heartfelt confession and kiss just before leaving the island in a raging storm, in which Ray dies distracting the Handler long enough for Allison, Luther, and Diego to get away. They are taken in by Vanya, who has made her way to Eudora’s island, where Klaus, Ben, and Five wait. Reunited, the siblings return Lila’s heart and she and Eudora share a beautiful and tearful reunion.

They ask the goddesses to take them home, wanting no other reward, but find that their island is soon to be sunken beneath the waves, the Handler’s rage at losing her chance at infinite power bubbling over. An epic battle ensues, in which Klaus and Ben use their combined powers to kill Reginald and remove him from power. Diego saves Grace from the Handler’s wrath for having such meddling kids, and Cha-Cha arrives just in time to distract the Handler long enough for all seven siblings to come together and use their combined power to purge the seas of the Handler’s spirit, effectively killing her.

Grace makes the selfless choice to take the Handler’s place as goddess of the ocean, taken in by Lila and Eudora. The siblings grieve her, but she tells them she will always be close to them, and that they may visit her whenever they wish. As a sort of repayment for losing their mother, Lila and Eudora help Grace to revive Ray from the bottom of the ocean, returning him to Allison.

Allison becomes chieftess and Luther stands by her side as leader of the warriors, as does Ray. Luther learns to again harness his shapeshifting powers from the moon gods, who welcome him up in the sky with Ray and Allison and all his siblings whenever he wishes. Ray takes over as spiritual leader after Klaus chooses to step down and leave with Diego.

Diego trains in the ways of the warriors and Klaus practices magic until he feels strong enough to leave, and they set off to become pirates and find Five, who left a few years ago in pursuit of adventure and new, exciting knowledge. Ben, brought back to life as a merman by Grace as a gift for Diego for saving her, follows them across the earth.

Vanya finds the timeless island Five was once stranded on, now called Ogygia, and settles there with Sissy and all the other women once held captive by the Handler’s goons. They are effectively sirens, but are careful who they lure in, as sometimes Klaus and Diego come to visit without warning and Vanya would never want to hurt her family.

Cha-Cha takes off to travel the world alone, making peace with herself and her mistakes. She explores new lands and seas and finds joy in her new experiences, occasionally crossing paths with one of the siblings she knew once upon a time.

Lila and Eudora keep the balance as dark and light once again, dancing across the sea and making waves with their rhythmic love. They guard the siblings and protect their islands, and the earth sings with their joy.

Oh, and that dumb chicken is in here somewhere. Maybe Kenny’s mom.