an aspect of heteronormativity i don’t get is telling your friends they can’t date your ex

preface: no. don’t get with a person that was abusive towards anybody, friend or not. you’re not an exception to the rule because it will always creep up

that being said, if people don’t end on bad terms, why are you still holding ownership over that person -and quite frankly your friends?

now i can understand if the relationship was just fresh and your homie immediately jumping in dms and i honestly find it crazy that an ex would entertain it because it’s like you just got out of a relationship. give yourself a break (someone people have a fear of being alone and think they constantly need to be in a relaahionship)

but after some time you need to let people move on and you need to as well. whatever those people do does not concern you

you can’t keep memories tied up with a person. have them but don’t think they’re only unique to you. your ex was apart of the relationship to and they moving on

seeing someone you thought you’d end up with become intimate with your friend can be tough. but if things didn’t end tragically and this person is able to move on, is that not a sign that you may need to sit with why you can’t?

the more you dwell on them, having tunnel vision, the greater you are at missing out on your person

granted if you continue to be around, you shouldn’t be subject to jabs by the new couple and other friends every waking second about the relationship not working out. and honestly if your friend group is doing that, honey it’s time to cut them off

and also getting upset that they may be doing things for your friends that they never did for you can be bittersweet. i wouldn’t call that emotional abuse but rather a lack of commitment/passion which obviously made the relationship end. maybe not in the sweetest of terms but no break up is gonna feel good. nobody was at fault, you just weren’t compatible and that doesn’t make neither one of you bad people

i’ve never seen this amongst queer people -at least nonheteronormative ones and i’m sure it happens in ones that are, it’s just very rare. i actually have a tendency to want to date my friends. i want to get to know you then develop further

(hit dog will holler. if it don’t apply, let it fly for this next part)

cuz from my viewpoint, why would i be building that platonic relationship within our dating phase? that sounds like im just bumbling around with a stranger while learning everything about them as im kissing and holding their hand and possibly having sex with them

that’s scary to me. next thing i know, im married to a person and im learning the basics of who they are during our marriage. why didn’t i know you had all these complications before we became partners?

and of course you’re never really going to know how someone acts in a romantic relationship until you get with them, but you should at least know their basic disposition towards humanity. if they not a good friend -person overall- what makes you think they’ll be an even better partner?

i would def let my ex date my friend. cuz honestly im not “letting” them do anything. i can’t control them and i shouldn’t want to. is that really a friend?

and no i’m not exempt from having those bittersweet feeling but i do have the autonomy to dictate how i act around them. the same for them

if you can’t do that and you know you’re going to be combative and lingering on “what could have been” then maybe it’s time to leave them people behind

it’s okay for friendships to end

but i would hate to lose out over something like that. to sever those friendships. like you miss out on a wedding. baby announcements. friend trips. academic accomplishments

like yeah they can be built elsewhere but depending on how long you’ve known your friends thats gotta be hard

if your ex and friend aren’t causing you any harm (instigating emotional, mental or physically harm) then let them be happy with each other

your emotions are valid, but you must be accountable for your emotions/actions and know when you need to dip for your own happiness and theirs. (even if you can’t bring yourself to be happy for them, just do it for yourself)

cuz if we being honest some people sabotage or harm themselves by engaging with things that they know they can’t take. and they should seek therapy

note: i feel this way about divorced people too.

It all starts with an interest in art that led me to make a online presence but like I lack all and any form of self starting intuition, especially for projects that aren’t mandatory work or necessary like eating or going to work so I basically never learned how to start things on my own because everything was always done for me.

So I sidetracked super hard and got into a mmo and had a really good friendship but self sabotaged it because of insecurities I wasn’t really all too aware of and my feelings towards having something ripped from me least me depressed for years and like fucked me up for better or worse.

Then I had this relationship with the loveliest boy, just the most caring and loving boyfriend one can ever have and surprise!!

I do it again: self sabotage out of personal insecurities led me to torture this guy to the point of being pissed at me cause I thought that was love. Turns outs my parent’s marriage being the only real example that I saw , wasn’t good! Now they are divorced and I miss him so fucking much but that’s just the fantasy in my head. I dream of the person I knew before all the crappy things happened. He is still around but he treats me like a stranger or less than I feel and it hurts.

I’ve been hung over him and that warmth because that was the first and only example I got of actual love. Everyone always tells me: you’ll find someone else and better!!!

But I don’t want to go find people

I just want him so bad I can never express it and on how much of an asshole I was to this guy 

I don’t think I’ll be bothering to search

I really don’t think I’ll find something like that again and I give in and up.

So here we are 19.02.24

Back where we started like where I was back in 2014-2017, I don’t like it. That feeling of being alone, that void in your chest that’s been very well illustrated time, and time again.

So here we are 27 alone, yearning, but not as stupid and emotional but still with love with my ex. 10 years pass and now I’m a transgender furry queer who dresses in very covering clothing all the time with a pregnancy and minor pet play kinks all stemming from a very depressed and paranoid boy who was such a pain to be around due to the sad statements I made my first real friendship with a guy avoiding people who is just so charismatic. Love that man platonically. I was/am a scumbag he knows.

It’s all really just hitting me here

Like all that cause I couldn’t motivate myself to start projects on my own but now like I was

Alone in my room with the faded yellow lights that’s still kinda white. High off weed and just like wow. I really ended up back at square one. After all that, it’s still me staring in that mirror.

Well there’s literally nothing I can do now to mend the past that I cling onto oh so desperately too or even look back. No where else but forward.

I know now I am more then capable to start projects on my own.

Well I think I’ll go get some cake at home

That’ll be nice

Even for just the moment.

And to think I did that whole roundabout just because I wanted to do art but just didn’t know how.

Not looking forward to people arguing about who is "allowed" at Pride, or who is actually queer-"enough" like homophobes and transphobes actually give a shit for anything but starting bad faith arguments.

You aren't cis or straight? congrats, you're queer. And controversial opinion, if you don't experience your attraction in very specific ways and do the gender is very specific ways and do the sex in very specific ways chances are the world won't care too much if you're cis and straight. You'll get lumped in with us queers regardless, so welcome to the party.

The reaction to Harry Styles wearing a dress was nowhere near the level of vitriol and censorship Lil Nas X faced, but still, a wealthy straight cis white guy just wearing a dress was enough to cause people to freak. To harass. Transphobia is still going to hit anyone gnc, especially with the recent uptick of transphobes trying to enforce gender conformity. And even if you're a cis gender-conforming person, the way we enforce gender roles fucks up people hard.

Same with sexuality. The assumption of boy meets girl is certainly horrible for gay people, but it also fucks up heterosexual relationships as well, both romantic and platonic. And the way marriage is ingrained into our culture and institution screws over ace and aro people, but also people who maybe just don't want to marry.

Which is just a long way to say, gatekeeping is dumb and shitty. Even if there's a straight cis allo monogamous person standing beside me at Pride I don't care, bc god knows they're probably there for a reason and if they treat me with respect they're already leagues ahead of a lot of other people. Maybe they're friends with a lot of queer people. Maybe they've got a family member they're supporting. Maybe they're there for the sex-positivity and support of kink. Maybe they've got an open relationship and they're here to support their girlfriend's girlfriend. Maybe they enjoy the vibe. Stop using that theoretical straight cis person as a reason to get all gatekeepy exclusionists

☝️☝️☝️☝️

Bingqiu

HELL YEAH HELL YEAH

Downsides:

I’m not a... huge fan of the pov character being like ‘i’m not gay, tho! i’m not!’ even though I do think it gets resolved in a fairly timely way. And it fits with Shen Qingqiu’s oblivious personality, haha. But in this case, how do I put this. It played not-great with the book’s pacing (uneven, but I don’t really mind) and a central conceit that I like a lot, which is that our main character spends quite some time convinced that his love interest wants him dead.

I don’t necessarily need the book to linger, directly over relationship development for me to be into it, and I absolutely LOVE a dynamic where one person is like ‘hah, you want me dead’ and has to realize they have things very backwards. But in this case, by the time Shen Qingqiu is coming around to ‘oh, you don’t want me dead!’ he slides right into the ‘but i’m straight!’ side track, and by the time he becomes willing to consider that maybe he’s less straight than previously assumed, we’re practically at the fuck or die climax of the novel.

Which isn’t terrible, I honestly adore this relationship. And I do think that binghe’s breakdown over seeing that he fucked shen qingqiu hits much harder if he still feels 100% insecure that his shizun wants him around, period. But I do sometimes wish that we’d gotten a little more opportunity for them to be... platonically-close-with-background-slow-mo-queer-awakening, if you know what I mean.

Upsides:

Oh lord, it’s hard to know what to say here, because the accurate response is Everything. Let’s see. Well, to start with, I adore the emotional high of reading a relationship that starts on such unstable footing (maigu ridge) and works itself out in the end (that marriage extra tho). Reading about Binghe being so unhappy and lonely and insecure and then being loved will never stop doing it for me.

Usually, a teacher/student dynamic would be not my favorite, but something about the shizunfucker genre clicks well with me for some reason. Especially for a student like Luo Binghe, where we’re told about how much he suffered as a child, and how alone he was, and all the ways that original flavor Shen Qingqiu mistreated him, because then, it opens the door to such an intense adoration of a teacher that treats him well and takes care of him. I haven’t read a shixiong/shidi book that plays with quite same themes, but I don’t think it would hit me in quite the same way (yuwu goes there a little, but even though the ship is great, it's not THIS kind of adoration). There’s something about ships with this sort of intense codependence that really work for me, and this book absolutely nails that.

But also, the power dynamics in here are FASCINATING to me. Erha is the main point of shizunfucker comparison that I have, which really is too small of a sample size to judge from. But I don’t think I’d like either of these as much if the teacher was also the driving force behind the relationship. I don’t just mean that in a top/bottom way, but more pursuer vs pursuee. And to go with that, I do also like how hard Binghe has to pursue to get anywhere with Shen Qingqiu. I like... suffering XD As long as it ends happily. And this book really delivers. Tgcf is romantic and all, but I can’t personally conceptualize eight hundred years. I have trouble visualizing 13/16 years. But three years, then five years? I can picture that, and it hurts. The dream flashback where Binghe is telling Shen Qingqiu that he can’t go on....... that hit me right in the stomach.

Also too, not canon-based, because even if it’s a standard genre feature, I don’t have much patience for strict gong/shou roles, but... For a character as needy as Binghe, this is a situation where I absolutely have no trouble setting aside what the book says and substituting a different reality. And I do love me a pair of switches. And I also love me a boy who is very enthusiastic about sex, and very, very bad at it, which is canon, which delights me. The neediness in this relationship, and binghe’s CLEAR room for growth make me much more interested in exploring a post-canon relationship than I tend to be for the other relationships (caveat: i am still prodding at new depths of hua cheng’s issues, and am much more interested than i used to be, but binghe still fascinates me more)

And this may sound weird, but..... I love me a manipulative, needy love interest. It’s real easy for it to play badly, and it’s real easy for it to leave a bad taste in my mouth, but bingqiu works really well for me. It adds tasty tension before the relationship is established, and once the relationship is established and Shen Qingqiu is well aware that Binghe will cry at the drop of a hat, I still love love love to see him folding like a damp paper towel anyways. It’s a flaw, but it’s a flaw that adds depth and flavor to their relationship that I really, really adore.

Okay, I’m losing coherence here. But I just have to copy one excerpt, I just. I love them so, so much.

Shen Qingqiu said, “The way you called ‘shishu’ was too insincere. From now on, don’t call him that.”

Resentfully, Luo Binghe said, “When he calls me a little brute or a thankless wretch, he’s sincere enough.”

Shen Qingqiu couldn’t resist laughing at that. His folding fan was sitting beside the couch, and he picked it up to give Luo Binghe a few taps on the head. “Was he wrong? You dare lay your wolf claws on this teacher’s body? If you’re not a little brute, then what are you?”

The words came too smoothly, and he himself hadn’t realized that this was pushing the bounds of propriety. The tail end of his words lifted the corner of his mouth, in a way that was frivolous yet heavy, a bit coquettish, and extremely undignified.

Luo Binghe looked down at him from above. Watching Shen Qingqiu beneath him, he felt some sort of fire beginning to burn wildly in his heart and stomach. He subconsciously moved to place a leg between Shen Qingqiu’s knees, but suddenly afraid he’d be kicked off the bamboo couch, he quickly dropped his head down to let Shen Qingqiu swat him with his fan to his heart’s content. “Even if I am a little brute, then I’m only Shizun’s little brute. Other people can’t call me that.”

Hello! I'm glad to see you are also on the OT3 train when it comes to Mary, Alan, and Katarina ^^ the three get along so well and definitely will cause fun reactions from Geordo XD (It's my h/c that Mary and Geordo fight over spending time with them "you don't get my fiance and my brother Lady Mary!"). Only issue? Getting her feelings through to Alan is just as hard as getting them through to Katarina. Alan is almost as dense and clueless as Katarina, but Mary will work with what she has XD

Mary is moro-sexual #Confirmed

I will say that mostly I like them where Mary and Alan AREN'T in love romantically? They're just best friends. Maybe Queer Platonic is the right word? I mean, they're both queer! And their relationship is MORE than just standard friends? But yeah, best friends who are married for political reasons and are in love with the same person. And of course being in love with the same person means that they'll have a lot in common and be a solid foundation for a good relationship! Once Mary gets over her jealous urges....

In my head, they get married in later life, because they've been engaged since childhood with no reason to call it off, and they're nobility so love usually has very little to do with it. Catarina DOESN'T want to become a Princess, but if she's Mary's Ladies Maid that means the three of them can spend quality time together away from the political hustle and bustle! So what you have is Mary and Alan first forming an allyship around loving Catarina, and then a deep meaningful friendship which can go on to become romantic. Which is absolutely why I love arranged-marriage AUs 2bh ^^;;;;

Which now I think about it, I can totally see Mary just waking up one day and suddenly realising "OH. I'm in love with my Husband..." and then having to deal with the sudden realisation, what does it mean that she's also in love with Catarina, how does she DEAL with being in love with TWO people? Seeing her be totally relaxed and casual with Catarina because they've been in an established romantic relationship for years but she's being awkward and flustered around ALAN now?!

And then on the flip side there's Alan? Who took 7 years to realise that he was in love with Catarina, and so is going to take even longer to realise that he has romantic feelings for his wife! So Mary is having a panic about everything, not sure if she wants to say anything to Catarina because that wasn't in their original relationship agreement?

So Alan is continuing on as normal, feeling like he wants to be more physically affectionate with Mary and being a bit jealous of Catarina for some WEIRD reason he doesn't understand??? Until suddenly it hits him, and OH! He wants to be the one in the middle for a change, and hug Mary at night and kiss her awake in the morning...

Meanwhile Catarina has weirdly maybe picked up on all this, but is wiser now and doesn't know if it's TRUE, so it takes someone else to go "I think your wife is in love with your husband?" for everything to slot into place and suddenly she's trying to force them together like Sebastian The Crab.

All a fun comedy of errors!

Sometimes it really does show that my favourite Shakespeare plays are "Midsummer Night's Dream" and "Much Ado About Nothing" xD

Fakedadshipping, or Vetrix/Faker

Or: How I introduced you to a middle aged queer platonic dad couple! (Read this for Stolenshipping post for context!)

Because they all of them love their siblings very much, the siblings know each other and their brother's boyfriends. Dr. Faker is not completely sure when it happened, but Heartland Tower now has a few permanent not guestrooms. However, he is happy that Kite is happy and welcomes Shark and Yūma into their home. They are very chill with Dr. Faker, and Yūma may have adopted him as a second father already.

Faker's trying hard to readapt back to normal life after the Barian thing, so having more people around on a normal basis helps him socialize. He is invited over to the Tsukumo residence often because Yūma doesn't like letting him eat by himself while his sons are out with him. It's a win-win because Faker has a great time and Kite can leave him to take Hart back home so he stays over at Yūma's a bit longer. When Father's Day comes rolling around, Faker gets additional gifts, and he's crying, lmao. Everybody but Hart is freaking out.

Shark: I'm sorry, did you not want the gift? I'll burn it. 

Yūma: [panicking] 

Kite: Dad, are you pain? Do we need to get help?? 

Hart: No, he's okay, you guys. He's just emotional! 

Faker: QQQQAQQQQ

Vetrix is a bit upset about being left out as one of the dads of the series, so he decides that because V sees Kite and Hart as little brothers, by association, he gets to consider them as his sons so now he's co-parenting with Faker.

Kite, Hart, Faker: [chilling at Heartland Tower]

Vetrix: [bursts into through the door, floating]

Vetrix: Honey, I'm home!

V: [running right after] Dad, please!

IV: [laughing his ass off]

IV: [pauses]

IV: I'm not calling Faker Father by the way. 

IV: [goes back to laughing]

III: [hiding his face in embarrassment] Dad, oh my god. Just let me talk to Yūma! We can work something out!

Faker: Uhm . . . Welcome home?

Kite: Dad, no!

Kite: [to Vetrix] Get out of my house!

Vetrix: [still floating] Don't talk to your new dad like that, Kite. That's bad manners.

V: Kite, I'm so sorry.

Hart: . . . . . . . Can we at least let Chris stay?

Kite: [vein popping]

Kite: [speed dials] Yūma and Shark.

Like, ten minutes later:

Vetrix: I refuse to be left out of this threesome arrangement.

V: Dad, please, stop talking.

 Kite: Never say that again.

Shark: I'm going to kill him.

IV: [sets settings to dying]

Yūma: Vetrix, you can't just, uh, get married to Faker just like that! That's not how marriage works!

Vetrix: Well, it's either that or you starting dating III too. His clothes would like great in your closet.

III: [face explodes] Are you hitting on Yūma for me?! Dad! Chris, for the love of God, help me!

V: [sweat drops] There's only so much I can do when he's like this.

Shark: . . . Kite, babe, you're gonna have to take one for the team.

Kite: What?! Are you—

Shark: It's either Vetrix "marries" your dad, or III dates Yuma. He's not going to stop until he gets one of those things. So, I say again, Kite, babe, take one for the team.

And that is how Kite now has "two" dads and the Arclights are now regular guests at the Tsukumo residence. Faker and Vetrix don't actually get married (yet), but they become known as a power couple in Heartland. 

Faker: Kite, I'm getting married to Vetrix.  

Kite: [wakes up]

Kite: Oh, thank goodness. That was just a dream. [sighs]

Vetrix: Are you alright, son? You passed out.

Kite: THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. 

Faker: Kite, everything is going to be okay. It's co-parenting, not cohabitation.

Kite: You don't have to marry him??

Faker: That's true, but you know after all the times we caught up over tea, we found that we still have a lot in common, and you know it's hard for older people to meet new people.

Kite: WHAT??

It takes a few hours to get through the conversation because Kite keeps passing out because of shock. Everyone is concerned. The Arclight brothers and Hart are taking this pretty well though, and everyone is sending their congratulations. Yūma and Shark are doing their best to comfort Kite. 

Faker puts his foot down about living arrangements, so the Arclight-Tenjō union means one family but two homes, lmao. The man wants to socialize, but he knows it's going to be painful living with Vetrix 24/7. He doesn't know about the cartoons yet though. However, both dads come over and talk often to catch up and stuff. Who knew it only took them getting "married" to repairing their friendship again, lmao? 

(Kite starts changing his mind when he sees that Vetrix actually is nice and caring to his dad.)

hey everybody. i haven’t been Truly Active on tumblr in a hot minute -- here and there I’ve popped in with a reblog, but I haven’t really said anything, and frankly, I’m unsure if anybody who follows me is still active themselves.

If yall are interested in keeping up with me, you can find me on instagram @queer_bluejay. It’s public for the time being, but I might make it a private insta again if I get too many weird messages from cis men. Oh, the way cis men are -- !

Anyways, if anyone is here to hear it, I thought I would update yall on a few things.

Tw’s for mention of death and discussion of mental health.

In October 2020, I got married to my amazing and beautiful and kind and loving wife. We had a small ceremony in an Airbnb just outside of town with our quarantine pod. (My marriage, however, does not make me monogamous. I am still happily polyamorous. Our love for each other does not negate our love for other people, and vice versa.)

When I was 18, I was in an abusive relationship for about 6 months. I’ve talked about it some before on this blog. During that time, and in the immediate aftermath as I grappled with recovery, I couldn’t imagine that I would ever be in a loving romantic relationship, and frankly, even my platonic relationships were strained at best. Shortly after, my close friend, Chris, passed away. He had been sick for some time. It wasn’t a surprise, but grief has no rules in how it hits, and it hit me hard.

When I met my now wife, I was a wreck. I reached out to a handful of old close friends, but they weren’t in any better of a situation to support me. I vividly remember, in the first few months of our relationship, having dramatic breakdowns on her couch, some lasting all night long. I don’t have a lot of other clear memories of this time, but I do know that the unconditional love and support I received from her changed my life.

My wife is not and was not a miracle worker. She did not cure my mental instability. I am not cured -- but I have learned to live with myself, and my mental health, and the trauma and grief I have endured and continue to endure. I have learned that it is okay to depend on those who love you. I have accepted that there is no shame in seeking help when you need it. I have a whole chosen family now who is ready to be there for me, and who I am ready to be there for.

Earlier this month, my sister-in-law passed away from Covid-19. I can’t say the grief has been easy. I had feelings about Chris that I thought I had long moved past. I miss my sister-in-law. I am angry that my federal and local government neglected to care for its citizens. I am heartbroken that we have to wait until February 12th for her memorial, almost a month after her death, because mortuaries and cemeteries in our area are so overwhelmed with the dead.

However -- I have a chosen family that loves me, and has come together to care for my wife and I. Life will continue to have it’s ups and it’s downs, but I am going to be okay. And that is something that, growing up as a queer teenager in an abusive home, being in an abusive relationship, that I never would have believed -- but I believe it now. I am going to be okay.

I revisited an old secret sideblog of mine the other day, from when I was in high school, and that I continued as I struggled with trauma throughout my life. I can see a lost and sad and lonely kid in those posts of mine. He didn’t think he was going to be okay.

So I just want to tell the lost and sad and lonely queer teenagers and young adults out there that I love them, and that someday, they are going to be okay. Life will always have its ups and its downs, and some of those downs will feel the like the lowest they have ever been, but you’re going to be okay.

I was almost ready to comment on how this series is using single-word episode titles, just like "Smallville" did, but now we've got this mouthful playing on a book that was roughly contemporary with that show. It's pretty clunky, but whatever. 

It's nice that this episode gave us a break from the Luthor story, choosing instead to focus on Lois's investigation and some good character moments for the Kents and Lana's family. The mantra that "life is simpler in Smallville" gets an explicit repudiation, some fences are mended, and some new mysterious antagonists are introduced.

Spoilers ahoy! 

If not for the enormous amount of COVID-imposed lead time this series had, and the amount of time it takes to write and record and add special effects to a live-action TV show, this episode would feel like a course correction for a lot of the problems I've had with the last couple of installments. 

I'm writing this a little longer after watching the episode than I typically have, so I'm going to go plot-by-plot rather than chronologically through the episode. 

Painting the House: a cute scene, and a good way to remind us that, even with all the drama and the teen angst, the Kents are a loving family. 

Jonathan & Jordan: Jordan joining the football team is a neat plot point that goes in unexpected directions, given how that kind of thing has typically played out in Superman stories. I like the way that it sets up conflict with Jonathan in the beginning, but eventually he realizes that Jordan's not trying to take away the thing that makes him feel special. Jonathan being the one to convince Clark to let Jordan play—and making the case that Jordan's abilities just even the playing field with respect to his size—is a good moment of solidarity and understanding for him. 

And Jordan, for his part, really does seem like he's found what he needed. Being able to take out some aggression on the football field—and having Clark's support—ends up being the key to getting a handle on his anger and being able to solve some problems with kindness rather than sulking and violence. I also appreciate that at least one of our initial antagonists—Sean—has moved out of that role, at least for now.

Coach Clark: There have been lots of attempts over the years to saddle Superman with various character flaws, but I think the one that fits best is being overprotective. On the macro scale, you get "Must There Be a Superman" and "King of the World," and on a micro scale you get stuff like this, being a bit of a helicopter parent and nearly losing Lois early in their relationship by eavesdropping. It rings true in a way that other attempted flaws—being dull-witted or indecisive—haven't. So it's nice here to see him realize it and acknowledge his mistakes, and to realize that he doesn't have to make the same choices his father did in order to keep his kids safe. After all, Jonathan Kent I didn't have superpowers. It'll also be nice for Clark to have a place to be earnest, mild-mannered Clark Kent, since he's outside the Daily Planet environment.

Lana and Sarah: Somewhere in my drafts I have a post about poor Lana Lang, a character made to fill a niche—the Lois Lane analogue for Superboy—and has never had much of a life outside of that niche. Every time Lana is introduced into adult Clark's life, she has a different deal. She's a TV reporter with a British accent, she's married to Pete Ross, she's a successful engineer, but she's almost always the girl whose life fell to pieces in one way or another after Clark Kent left. It's not fair to either character—Clark's presence in a person's life should elevate them, not devastate them—and while I understand the reason for giving her a failing marriage and conflicts with her children, I do want to see Lana have a happy ending in some adaptation or incarnation. 

Anyway, I like Sarah as a character, and it's interesting to see how her story parallel's Jordan's, with her mother's overbearing overprotectiveness leading to conflict. It creates a contrast between how Clark and Lana are handling their respective teenage offspring, and gives them a nice bonding moment. It's easy to see how these bonding moments could turn into Lana trying to rekindle the old flame with Clark, and I really hope that doesn't happen, but platonic male-female friendships are rare enough on TV that I can imagine it's hard to set one up without everyone seeing a ship setting sail. 

Speaking of ships, I know that Jordan and Sarah are an obvious pairing, but I hope Jordan is smart enough not to try to be her rebound relationship (and ruin his reconciliation with Sean). But honestly, I kind of hope Jordan is gay or bi, giving a way to tie his feelings of being different and search for identity to the struggles queer kids commonly face in an explicit way rather than an allegorical one. 

Seriously though, let Clark and Lois have a strong marriage that doesn't need to be threatened by the Other Woman for unnecessary drama. Let the drama build out of normal family conflicts, not tropes that were sexist and outdated when they were common in the Silver Age. 

Lois's Story: "The news comes to Lois Lane" seems to be an ongoing theme, as the next lead in her story just walks through the door of the Smallville Gazette. Unsurprisingly for a story involving Lois Lane, this leads to a conspiracy involving disappearing workers and super-powered enforcers. Lois explicitly makes the point I said earlier, that the stories in small towns do matter, and too often get overlooked because there aren't enough reporters covering them. 

The action scene where Lois is attacked by someone with Kryptonian-level abilities is pretty good. I always like when Superman enters a confrontation by trying to de-escalate before fighting, and I always like when Lois enters a confrontation by trying to fight before calling in the big guns. The fight between Superman and the assailant (who I think is credited as Subjekt 11, but I assumed that character was going to carry forward and, uh, doesn't look like he is) showcases both a nice escalation as Superman learns what the guy's strength is, and some nice uses of powers. The CW effects teams have gotten pretty creative over the years. The one issue I have is that Superman slams the guy through a cinderblock wall right at the start of the fight, before he's tested those abilities, and I feel like that would have done some real damage if he'd guessed wrong and the guy was a baseline human. The No-Prize Answer would be that either he scanned the guy before hitting him and knew, at baseline, that he was a meta, or that he knew Lois wouldn't call him unless she was dealing with a metahuman threat. Still, it bugs me. 

I do hope we learn more about what Subjekt-11 was. Metahuman? Kryptonian? Some kind of experiment? I'm frankly more interested in the Morgan Edge stuff than alt-universe Luthor. 

The woman who takes out Subjekt-11—who I guess was also with Edge at the meeting last episode—seems to be named Leslie Larr, no doubt a reference to Lesla-Lar, the Silver Age Kandorian villain who happened to be an exact double for Supergirl, because every major character had a double living in Kandor. Whether that means she's Kryptonian or some other swerve is something, I guess, we'll learn later.

Other: I noticed an Easter Egg that I haven't seen reported anywhere else: The Whitty Banter Show! For those who don't remember, Whitty Banter was the host of a Metropolis talk show in the 80s and 90s; there's ads for it all over the Death of Superman Newstime issue. In trying to remind myself what Easter Egg I remembered catching, I also learned that Kryptonsite still exists! What a blast from the past. There was a time, many moons ago, where that was a daily visit for me, along with the Superman Homepage. 

And Blogger.com, for that matter. But those days are clearly far behind us.

All my thoughts surrounding the Evermore album so far

For the first time in forever, I went into an album refusing to write down any notes or whatever about how I felt upon the first listen and really just let it sink in. Even when ranking the songs, I did it by gut feeling and refused to elaborate. But being over 24 hours and a dozen listens in and basically having the same opinions and thoughts, I felt it was time to put out everything I feel so far.

Basically this post is going to go over not only my thoughts on and relationship to the songs of Evermore, but how I feel about it as an album and specifically a sister album to Folklore. So I hope you enjoy it.

What I think of Evermore as a whole/it’s relationship with Folklore:

Truth be told Evermore is currently quite low on my Taylor album rankings. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy it and definitely is not me saying I didn’t like any of the songs. But the environment of an album and ability to get something out of listening to the songs all together and in order that you could not otherwise get is important to me to the point it’s my favourite thing about listening to albums. And right now? Outside of Tis The Damn Season and Dorothea, it’s just not there for me. In many ways, that has made Evermore very similar to Speak Now and Lover vibe wise to me in that it feels like an array of great songs as opposed to a perfect album experience like RED, Reputation and even Fearless feels to me. So while I could absolutely see myself listening to most of the songs on this album for years to come, I’ve already found myself listening to the album itself out of order and focusing on my favourite tracks more.

I would also argue that the only reason Evermore is a ‘sister album’ to Folklore is because it’s by Taylor Swift. And that may sound weird, but hear me out. The fact of the matter is that the only ways in which this album and Folklore are more ‘sisterly’ towards each other than other albums is because they are similar production wise and both are at least partially based on the stories of others. I could name you an array of artists whose albums share these same qualities yet are not seen as sibling albums. And honestly, right now it feels like the only reason these two albums are being seen as sisters is because they have come from someone who has been expected to change sounds, vibes and everything else every ‘era’ because she has admitted in the past that she has a fear of people getting sick of her. In my honest opinion, Reputation and Lover feel more like sister albums to me than Folklore and Evermore. This is not to say that Evermore is a lesser album for not being a sister project to Folklore, it’s just not something a connection I’m feeling right now.

What I’m about to say next may sound like it contradicts with what I just said but as it is a personal connection and not objective, I feel like it doesn’t. For me personally, Folklore was predominately an album that opened up and described my trauma relating to losing my whole family while Evermore feels more like a recovery album. So on a personal level, they are other sides of the same coin and while that makes them sister albums to an extent, to me it was not the extent Taylor meant because obviously these songs were not written with me and my personal issues in mind.

With that in mind, if we’re going to compare Folklore and Evermore like many people have, I feel as if Folklore is the stronger album but Evermore has stronger songs. Basically as a full experience I prefer Folklore, but the songs I like off of Evermore I love more than the ones I like off of Folklore. At this point, I will also say I think I love the production of Evermore more than Folklore, but I can also see that being a mood based thing.

What I think of each individual song:

Willow: I’m going to be honest, I do not see the hype for this song. Like objectively it’s not a bad song, but there’s just not really anything drawing me back to it. While clever, the 90s line also threw me off a bit and feels kinda out of place with the rest of the song giving ancient/mythical vibes to be honest. It seems to be a hot take at the moment, but I also found myself bored with the music video and didn’t seem to love the fact that it is a continuation of Cardigan as much as everyone else. I did however appreciate the love interest being from an Asian background during a time when they are on the receiving end of racial villification. I will say I think the first chorus is the strongest part of the song.

Champagne Problems: I feel like this is going to be the song that is most consistently among my favourites for this album. While most of my other favourites are the deep cuts or bops that I need to be in the right mood for, Champagne Problems feels like a good mix that I can listen to any time. It’s also kinda been a blessing for me because the man I love told me upon listening to it that my fear of marriage and actions around that lately have made him worry that we’re going to end up like that which has really made me reflect today on the fact that my fear of not being good enough to keep him isn’t going to be fixed by holding him at arm’s length, it can only be fixed by working to be the better person I think he deserves. In terms of Taylor, I’ve heard some of you think that Tom proposed while they were together and that the ring in the LWYMMD video is actually reference to him and I’mma be real, if that’s the case, damn right she should have said no because they were together what, 2 or so months??? In saying that, as a general sister piece to Getaway Car in that they’re both about realising you don’t love the person you’re with as much as they love you, it’s a nice comparison and I could see it.

Gold Rush: Taylor girl, please go to therapy about not feeling good enough for your man and insecurities that he’s gonna leave you for someone else. You are absolutely good enough. Honestly, all up I feel like this song is the definition of good. It’s not something I’d seek out to listen to but it’s not something I’d skip if it came on. The production is definitely the highlight of the song for me.

Tis The Damn Season: This song really hits hard for someone still living in her childhood house in her hometown huh? I’ve seen a lot of people relate this song back to The 1, and to be honest, they both remind me of the same platonic relationship I once had and things I wish we had said to each other, so I can see that. Look in all honesty, this is just one of those songs where I cannot pinpoint what makes it so good because it’s everything. The production, the lyrics, the emotion; it all works together to make it an amazing song. When considering the album as a whole, I think Tis The Damn Season and Dorothea are the strongest sign of creating an environment and emotion given that they are songs about the same relationship.

Tolerate It: I get why this is track five, and much like Mirrorball off of Folklore, had it come out in 2018 or beforehand, it would have owned my soul and been my favourite song off of this album forever. But nearly everyone who has ever made me feel this way was purged out of my life no later than 2018 so I feel so far removed from it. While I understand the artistic choice for the second half of the song to be wordy and faster paced to the point of feeling offbeat because that’s how it comes off when you’re thinking of all the ways you can defend yourself and/or leave, I personally prefer the first half of the song far more than the second half due to its flow. Had I enjoyed the second half as much as the first, I think this would have been a tied favourite from the album. I’ve seen Swifties say this is a Tayvin and/or John/Taylor song and yeah to be honest, I feel that. I also love the intepretations surrounding it being a queer person and a queerphobic family member.

No Body No Crime: Upon first listen, this was an automatic tied favourite of mine. But, while I’ll still say it is, listening to it on repeat today made me feel like it’s something I need to listen to sparingly or it’ll get overplayed fast, much like Betty did on Folklore for me personally. This is another song I really don’t have much to say about because I love it all and it’s a bop. As a more general note, I will say that I agree with people that I wish Taylor’s vocal collaborations with women included them actually having a verse rather than feeling like backup singers for Taylor. But for what we got, I think Haim added a lot to this song with their ‘He did it’ sounding like Este’s ghost reassuring Taylor he killed her and Danielle’s ‘she was with me dude’ adding a lot of atmosphere to the song. In my mind, Este’s husband wasn’t planning to leave/kill her or move his mistress in but accidentally killed Este as she tried to leave him. Either way though, it’s a great song and I can definitely see why it’s a fan favourite.

Happiness: This was my other tied favourite upon my first listen. When thinking of Taylor, I tend to agree with people that this song is probably about Scott and recoving from leaving Big Machine. When considering what it means to me... well it’s complicated. Truly, I want to reach a point where this is what I think of my family. I hope someday I can get there. But for now, it is another self love song; as if I am talking to my pre and/or newly traumatised teenaged self at age 25. This probably sounds weird but I also love that it’s my favourite while being the longest track (so far, obviously we don’t know about bonus tracks) of the album because there’s something so special to me about Taylor’s longer tracks.

Dorothea: A cute song. That’s really all I can say. Again, I love it’s connection with Tis The Damn Season and it makes me smile thinking about that platonic relationship these songs remind me of. Really just in general this song makes me happy and is probably the one I could see myself randomly singing around the house the most.

Coney Island: Honestly I like the idea/message behind this song more than I like the song itself. Like the idea of not appreciating something until its too late reasonates with me and again, is something I wish the ex friend Dorothea reminds me of would tell me they feel, but obviously I cannot change that. I’ve seen posts about how the bridge of this song was inspired by John, Jake, Harry and Calvin, but to be honest, in general this song feels very purely Tayvin to me, but like from Calvin’s (or at least what Taylor hopes is his) point of view. All up, I think the production of this song is its strong point and the reason that while it’s still not one of my favourites, it’s somewhat grown on me.

Ivy: Another hot take? This is another song that I just haven’t been able to get into. Like I like the idea that it’s the ‘tough’ parts of Invisible String where you have to take the leaps not knowing where you’ll end up, but yeah, I don’t know, it just wasn’t something that has caught my attention yet.

Cowboy Like Me: This song is a vibe. Like it’s the type of song I could see myself putting on while just wanting to chill or do something else at the same time, but I don’t feel like it’s something I’m going to opt to listen to on its own that much. Basically it’s as middle of the road track for me as they come. I will say however that ‘Now you hang off my lips like the gardens of Babylon’ has lived in my mind rent free all day.

Long Story Short: This song is so fun. I love that barring Folklore, I could see it being on any of Taylor’s albums since Fearless. It also reminds me of another non-Taylor song, but I can’t think of what and that has been bugging me all day. I saw a lot of people saying that they’re over Taylor talking about 2016, and personally while it’s not my favourite topic either, she’s free to write about whatever she wants and honestly? I feel like her more upbeat, funner sounding songs like this one have boded better with me when she first releases them ever since Lover so I’m glad she released it. Anyway, like I said, it’s another cute fun song that I can see myself dancing to in my room for a while yet and that makes me so happy.

Majorie: I’m gonna be honest, I feel like this is a song you have to relate to to love, and I do not relate to it. Like I think had my family shit not gone down, I would have cried to this thinking of my recently deceased grandfather because I felt the closest to him out of any family member as a kid, but yeah, that’s not how things are now and so I don’t have the emotional attachment to this song. I can however see myself getting it when my mother dies to be honest. But for now, it’s a sweet song and I get why people love it.

Closure: Remember how I said Happiness is how I wish I felt about my family? Closure is how I actually feel about them. To be honest, the fact that everyone seems to have this as their least favourite song from the album shocks me because I think it’s one of the most relatable. I’m also surprised so many of you feel like this is about Karlie given the sounds at the beginning and end sound like (Big) Machines and the second verse and bridge scream Scott to me. All up, I genuinely really like this song and feel like it’s the one with the most experimentation that works for the track despite the lyrical simplicity to be honest.

Evermore: Lyrically, this is my favourite track from the album. Production wise? ... well Taylor’s part is amazing. This is another song where artistically I appreciate how jaggered Justin’s voice makes the song because it works contextually at that part, but it’s a bit much for me in terms of wanting to have the song on repeat. Though it wouldn’t have had the same jaggered hence artistic feel, I do wish Justin had used his lower register because I feel like it would have suited the replayability of the song more. Regardless, it is another self recovery/reflection song for me and definitely one of my favourite (and perhaps the most socially relevant given how 2020 was for most people) closers from Taylor... though she always knocks those out of the park.

Final Thoughts:

Though not being my favourite overall album from Taylor, Evermore is a solid album with amazing songs. It is also an album I can see being a grower and/or mood based album. So with two songs still coming, I’m not about to rule it out as being something I won’t love more in the future. This is especially the when I know that even if I don’t get the environment I usually love from it, Evermore has so many amazing songs I can see myself listening to for years to come.

a unicorn tale

Follows is an account of my triad as briefly as I could manage. My ex-girlfriend has betrayed and lied about us, and I have long needed to get my truth out there.

So I knew she was controlling, but I had sympathy for her. I saw her feeling trapped in a marriage that didn't quite suit her and had put too many responsibilities on her shoulders. I knew they were trouble and that I had become a battleground for this. I cried myself to sleep on their spare bed wondering if I had ruined them.

He and I had a hard time staying away from each other. I thought he was doing this because we were allowed. When I asked him about it I found out we were not. We continued to have a problem with this, and although she was angry at him, this was far more to my disadvantage.

I knew she thought I was too into him and it was off-putting for her, but I also knew she was jealous. Her jealousy over someone she seemed to feel trapped by was difficult for me to take. But not without reason, I hoped that she had a disordered attachment style. I saw her to pushing both him and I away so that we would fight to get her back.

I have struggled with what emotional abuses to describe and which to skip. Suffice it to say, it is impossible to please my ex-girlfriend. She has always been ruthless and manipulative. I have never in my life been more motivated than I was when I was trying to protect us from her reckless and selfish destruction. Despite it, I always saw her as a vulnerable person and hoped we could be harmonious if we worked to earn her trust. We shared an amazing conversation dynamic and many mutual interests and had so many great moments, even close to our end.

He was my emotional rock, as I'm sure he was also hers. He and I seemed to have a loneliness and a devoted nature in common. I worried about her attitude with him and when he said she was like that when I was not there, I trusted him. I thought he and I could give each other a firm at home bond with little ambivalence. I thought I could give her my time and attention and a safe amount of freedom from him. I thought I could help them, but I knew it would be hard.

I spent tons of time with her, as a triad and a couple. I considered her an essential relationship in my life. I kept trying to earn my place in hers; Her stated reason for breakups was often her lack of interest in me sexually. I tried to argue for a label such as nonsexual romantic or queer platonic, but she insisted that sexual connection was imperative, so I kept trying.

Throughout, I had been considering myself a one-sided primary partner to both. I knew that I was only a secondary partner to them. In our talks, I'd tell him I was concerned she didn't love me and was only using me to bench him. Each time he'd patiently have me turn around and I'd feel encouraged to try to win her over.

When she got a steady boyfriend, she stopped breaking us up. Our quad almost seemed it might work out. Yet she spent way less time with me as soon as she met her new boy, which is why I lost hope of meaning anything more to her.

They had always massively overspent, so I wanted to work to pay for his uncovered medical needs. Years later, I was devastated by my lack of savings. I was working 60+ hr weeks merely trying my hardest to relieve us from her financial abuse. I had to look back and say all my hard work and effort to give them space had only enabled her. She had only become more demanding, abusive, and contradictory and would attack if held accountable.

I got fed up with it and started getting ready to leave, but he needed me and begged me to stay. So I warned them about the conditions where I would not stay: She must lift veto. If her boyfriend left she would not return to her previous behavior of excluding me from sleeping in our bed. She agreed to and told me she loved me, and I was elated. Yet despite everything, her boyfriend left and she immediately wanted to exclude me from same bedroom where I had always been while we were a quad. So I left them.

The next day, I met him and we talked. I agreed to return if he could smooth it over with her and she could re-commit to the rules I set about where I can sleep. I asked for a mutual primary relationship with him equal to hers and for him to stand up for me if she wanted to exclude me or unilaterally break us up. He agreed and returned home to talk with her and I was planning to later join them if it went well.

Instead, that night she hurt him terribly and crossed a very clear line. He fled the house, I picked him up. I was shocked she took her abuse that far. His sullen comments toward me added to my developing fear he resented me for getting tired of her shit.

In the few days after, she kept calling us back to take care of our dogs or other things she needed because she wouldn't do it herself. When we arrived to help her she screamed and unfairly berated us. For reasons such as: I refused to deliver her food once. She accused me of leaving her to die. (She threatened to kill herself if she didn't get what she wanted quite a lot.) Once I returned for medication we all needed and she actually hit me, scattering it all over the floor. "That doesn't belong to you," she said, even though I bought it for us all to share, took a portion and left her more.

When he went back again get our belongings, her aggression and screaming was was horrifying. Her being recorded deterred her none. In the footage, she complained that their unicorn was supposed to be for her and expressed her rage that he was my favorite.

She stole everything I owned that he could not get. She also took much of technically their mutual property really rightfully his, such as his collectables. She seemed ready to keep their dog from him forever, so we took the dog which she left outside with no people at home. (we left her their other dog) We cut contact when she wanted to harass everyone we knew over the dog. She then lied to the police and tried to get him in trouble for things he did not do. She had left her job and could not afford to keep the lease on our home and her dream house, so she totally trashed the place for our return. In court, she throws tantrums and even takes out her rage physically toward people who are there with her to support her.

He and I did not last as a couple to no one's surprise but my own. With her gone, I was no use to him, and I spent some months exhausting myself making sure of this fact.

I feel like I have learned a lot from watching someone I love abuse myself and someone I love. I hope it's given me a unique perspective that some people have expressed interest in. On the chance you have not found this boring and would like to be a beta for further writing, please let me know.

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

“I Love You Anyway”

So I recently had a dear friend of mine say that god doesn’t approve of homosexuality and doesn’t permit religious same-sex marriages, but that God (and him) loves me anyway. He supports the legality of same-sex marriage, he will openly fight people who think it ought to be banned. Which made his belief on this hit me especially hard. I thought he supported same-sex marriage. Which he does ... kinda. He believes people have the legal right to marry whomever they want, regardless of god’s opinion on the matter, and that religion should be separate from the state. He also believes that god must have his reasons for banning same-sex marriage and that means that the world would probably be better off if queer folk everywhere elected not to marry same-sex partners. 

[Oh, and I’m bi, which I realize I hadn’t clarified yet].

I haven’t hashed out everything with my friend yet. I don’t know if I’m gonna still be his friend when all of this is said and done. (It’s currently looking like no, but that’s another story I’m not interested in telling here).

But there is something important I have to say. My friend says he still (always has, never stopped, never had cause to stop) loves me. And I believe him. 

But that’s not enough. 

My father was abusive. And he loved me. And I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that love was not enough. Safety comes before love. Equality, fairness, respect, sincerity, all of these things are more important than, come before, and are more necessary than love. Leaving my father was the best thing that ever happened to me because love makes up for precisely no amount of abuse. 

And that applies here too. My friend cares for me, would fight for me, and I for him. We love each other (platonically). 

And that’s not enough. 

Love doesn’t make this stuff stop hurting. It doesn’t quiet the pain, it doesn’t fix the feeling that I can’t trust him with this stuff. It won’t erase the disquiet I’d feel telling him about a crush I have on some cute boy, the knowledge that he thinks I’d be better off leaving the guy for some girl. 

Love is wonderful. It’s great. Platonic, familial, romantic, in whatever way you can love you should because love is good for you. 

But love is not enough. It doesn’t matter if you love someone, if they can’t feel secure confiding in you, if they have to worry about your judgement, if gods forbid they fear your reprisal, if they don’t feel like you see them as an equal ... love doesn’t make up for any of that. It can’t make any of that go away.

Love can be tainted. It can be abusive, ugly, fanatic, destructive, and it can be poisoned. Love alone is not enough, it needs to be healthy love. It needs to be love built on a foundation of security and trust and fairness and safety and equality or it will not be enough.

Christians. (Any religion which preaches this honestly, though Christians are whom I experience this from most frequently). Your religion may say that you can “love the sinner without approving of the sin”. It might not even define it as a sin, just as “not what god wants”. And you may think that you can love someone like me without believing god approves. 

You may be right. But it doesn’t matter. Your love is not enough.