#protect your work everyone!
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Bare skin, bare feelings.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#lan wangji#wei wuxian#blood#Imagine coming off as homophobic to your crush so bad he weaponizes a strip tease against you.#LWJ is just having a storm of bad emotions. His tummy hurt real bad and he was just trying to be brave about it!#WWX is just trying to be a good bro and heal his friendcrush. It worked but not for the reasons he thinks it did.#LWJ's shyness is also hilarious here considering they have bathed together before. Literally nothing there he hasn't seen before.#Granted it was a few years back and before he was left to stew in his feelings.#LWJ is more focused on his pride than being responsible and reasonable (getting is wounds treated).#His arc really is about accepting that he can't be perfect. That there is importance in being honest and vulnerable.#The tragedy is that he realizes this way too late.#Pride is the worst sin because it destroys your ability to protect anything other than the smallest crown in the world.#When everyone is gone and you are left alone - was it worth it to feel safe and protected from showing your flaws?#Control over oneself is in conflict with connection to others. You cannot pick both.#Hanguang-jun appears to us as a 'perfect guy' but the truth is that he is the version of LWJ who is done with *needing* that validation.#And this time - He can properly reach out to those he wants to be close with.
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Ringlord High King of Everything Elrond, inspired here
(@the-writing-goblin)
I imagine in this situation elrond would have been partially tempted by boromir's declaration, but instead of trying to fight sauron with it (because even in the weirdest crack au i can think of elrond is still too genre-aware to try that) he tried to use it to supercharge his use of vilya and protect everyone.
basically Ringlord!Elrond turned the entirety of Eriador into a mega-gondolin situation: massive walls (courtesy of numenorean/eregion tech) around the regions bordering the north or Mordor, fortresses along the mountain range and several layers of gates along every road in or out. Everybody goes in; nobody goes out; everyone is safe.
and he ended up claiming the kingship to give him more authority in the process - he's High King of the Noldor and Sindar and King of the Edain (given that there are like three half-vanyar in middle-earth, he's more or less king of all children of iluvatar) and so he can have command over the entirety of the West.
and with the help of the Ring, this actually works! but the corruption starts to show eventually
he uses his kinship to Gondor to forcefully drag them into his neo-gondolin-empire-creation so he can ensure none of his great-nephews will ever have to face sauron. he extends the walls to encompass Mirkwood, because he's the high king of the sindar and has a duty to protect thranduil's realm, and unleashes the full might of his melian-lite powers to purge Sauron's Shadow and the spawn of Ungoliant from the now-Greenwood.
Galadriel and Glorfindel very much see where this is going and are very very worried. galadriel won't let him build walls around lothlorien (because she lives next door to a balrog and knows exactly what happened to gondolin) but celeborn thinks it's a good idea, since after all Doriath wouldn't have fallen if Melian's girdle had still been up. glorfindel tries to talk him out of it but the ring has taken hold
the Ring's power also enhances all his natural weirdness and powers - he has his wings and maia markings permanently activated now, with or without finwean anger. he can fully shapeshift, and he goes from raising waves in the bruinen to raising tsunamis in the great sea.
except the finwean anger seems to be permanently activated now, too, and anyone who harms someone he's deemed under his protection finds themselves the target of a rather ironic vengeance quest. the shapeshifting is looking weird now - his teeth are always sharp now, and his eyes have gone fully inhuman. sometimes he has claws and his wings look more like bats than eagles. and his water powers are more like osse's- he can't calm the waters now (goldberry is the first to notice something's up) and can only stir them into massive ship-sinking storms and tsunamis.
this progresses until he's basically Evil Luthien ruling over a continent-wide Mega-Gondolin, slaughtering orc-hordes before they even reach the white walls and sinking any naval fleet Sauron tries to send around the coast. Everybody is brought in; nobody leaves; everyone is safe...?
he figures out that the dwarven legend of "Durin's Bane" has to be one of the few first age balrogs thats still unaccounted for. and well, it's living right on his border, and he can't risk another fall of gondolin, right? so he leads a small force in there to clear moria, and they shove the balrog off the edge, but it takes one of his captains (except glorfindel) with it (maybe erestor?) and he uses the ring and saves erestor, (and maybe floods the balrog for good measure), and glorfindel is sure he saw elrond's eyes go yellow for a moment.
and even fully corrupted, he knows he can't take the ring directly into mordor. but he can wipe out sauron's armies outside the walls, to protect his kingdom - because turgon's mistake was thinking he was safe even when there were balrogs and dragons and orcs outside, right?
somewhere along the way, arwen realizes what's happening and goes to live with galadriel. one of the twins goes with her; the other stays out of loyalty but eventually follows.
elrond's kingdom has become a cross between doriath and gondolin now, with all the surrounding lands warped by ring-magic to hide it, and layers of stone walls and iron gates preventing anyone from leaving. because everyone is here; nobody leaves; everyone is... safe?
#silm#silmarillion#lotr#elrond#lord of the rings#i hc goldberry is uinen and osses daughter#i feel like the ring works differently for everyone#hobbits are naturally sneaky and long-lived so hobbits get ring-invisibility and ring-immortality#while dwarves would be basically physically invincible and elves would get feanor-style super-fea#and peredhel get maiarin powers#honestly ringlord elrond is kind of terrifying#like ringlord galadriel or ringlord maglor would be pretty straightforward about conquering the world#like galadriels whole 'all shall love me and despair'#or maglor would be like 'yep conquering the world for the oath now hand over your land'#but elrond is more of the manipulative dark lord type#like the 'im doing this for you/i just want to protect you' villain#and hes already most of middle earths collective dad#they all trust him
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what happened to odette's body?
Ilma never intended the lake to be a permanent solution. She didn't even want it to be a long-term one. The magick wasn't built to shield her body from the passage of time.
#and eventually it just... gave way to it#odettes soul is still intact and protected but her body has been dead for a long time#so everyone who every theorized that the former guardian is dead at the bottom of the lake#technically#youre not wrong#ilma didnt want her child to spend the rest of her life guarding a lake#she was just desperately trying to keep her safe and buy herself enough time to try to fix things#and it just#didnt work out#swanatello asks#asks#anon
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First of all, Scotland, for passing the Scottish Hate Crime Act and trying to protect trans people, thank you. Thank you for treating us as humans, thank you for recognising our identities.
However....
fuck you JK Rowling. fuck your TERF rants that endanger our lives. fuck your Nazi attitudes.
fuck you Police Scotland for proving that you're fucks and will not take this law seriously, even when someone intentionally, repeatedly, maliciously and gleefully breaks this law in a very, very public forum.
fuck you Police Scotland for not only refusing to take action when someone is breaking this law intentionally, repeatedly, maliciously and gleefully, but also proving that
1) this new law will NOT be taken seriously by you
2) this tells every TERF and Tory out there that the law is NOT valid, and that the law does NOT include queer people, specifically in this case Trans people; and
3) this tells every queer/Trans/enby/multi-sex/hermaphrodite person that we are NOT actually protected as this new law promises, and you can and will continue abusing us and destroying our lives.
Fucking thanks. Cos it wasn't obvious enough that every day gets more and more dangerous for us trans/enby people, so thanks for just making it clear to the fucking world that even when someone mocks this law openly, you don't fucking care because we are not fucking people. Got it.
So fuck you Police Scotland, specifically, for doing NOTHING when someone blatantly flouts this law. Fuck every one of you ACAB fuckers.
fuck everyone who still works with you, Rowling and still even speaks to you after knowing what you are.
fuck everyone who still buys anything related to the Harry Potter franchise knowing the money is going into the pocket of someone like this. Because she sends that money back out to fucking Anti-Trans orgs that hurt us.
fuck you HP fans who plan to watch her new tv show. You cannot be a fan of a massive transphobe trying to destroy us, and an ally at the same time. so fuck you.
fuck harry potter fans who wear HP merchandise stuff knowing what she has said and done, yes I don't care if you bought it before she said it, fuck you because you know exactly what she represents. Not apologising. Yeah, I'm totally judging you if you're wearing HP merch, even if especially if you're queer. I don't care how much HP meant to you as a child. I don't care about fucking nostalgia. I care about the Trans lives that are in danger every day because of monsters like this fucking woman.
fuck you Rishi Sunak for backing and legitimising this horrible woman and her bigotry.
fuck you British politics, fuck you Tories. Fuck you all for destroying this country and making every day more dangerous for Queer people.
fuck you CEO David Zaslav. fuck you Warner Bros. for being willing and happy to work with this fucking woman for her fucking franchise so she can continue to fucking make millions and fucking fund anti-trans orgs.
fuck every single one of who who protects, excuses and funds this fucking behaviour. And fuck every one of you who doesn't give a fuck at everything that is happening.
fuck these fucking fucks. fuck you TERFs and transphobes and fuck every single one of you fucking fucks.
Thank you for trying, Scotland. Thank you.
But please explain to the fucking POLICE and the fucking evil POLITICIANS that this new law means we are legally recognised as protected under the Scottish Hate Crime Act, so they all need to stop fucking about and treat it seriously.
and the fucking PRIME FUCKING MINISTER fucking backing this fucking TERF. I'm not surprised, just angry.
This is on you. so, fuck you if you are supporting these fuckery fucking fucks.
As is EVERY SINGLE FUCKING INCIDENT a trans person has in this fucking country. Every time someone fucking deadnames us, every time someone intentionally misgenders us, every time someone threatens our safety, every time someone fucking assaults us? every single incident is on your fucking head, you fucking fucks.
#fuck you harry potter fans for still funding this yes i mean it#fuck jk rowling#fuck rishi sunak#fuck tories#fuck terfs#fuck transphobia#fuck warner brothers#fuck ceo david zaslav#fuck harry potter franchise#fuck everyone who has worked with her knowing what she is#fuck british politics#fuck the tories#fuck you terfs#fuck you HP fans who know what she is and still wear her merchandise knowing what she is#acab#fuck police scotland for immediately proving that we are NOT equals deserving respect despite a law being fucking passed saying we fucking#fuck you BBC#fuck you Warner Bros Discovery#fucking fuck it all#trans people deserve respect#trans children deserve respect#leave trans people alone you fucking fucks#this kind of shit gets people murdered and you are treating it like a fucking joke#jk rowling is a transphobe#protect queer people#protect trans people#thank you scotland for trying to do the right thing#but have a word with your fucking police because they don't seem to understand#i mean acab obviously but fucking explain it to them please#thanks for trying scotland
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One of the most irritating momentum-killing faux-concerns from people when it comes to conflict is the hand-wringing about “if we (you) ___ then people will be hurt/die/etc” as a reason to not engage in meaningful resistance use violence as a tool.
‘If there is a revolution people will die’, ‘if we riot people will get hurt,’ ‘if you resist you will get hurt’ ‘if you fight back, people will die.’
People are already dying, people are already being hurt. I understand the fear of injury in the face of chaos but I need you to understand the horror of brutality carried out calmly.
‘Everything Was Peaceful Until The Uprising’ is a wild disconnect from reality.
Evictions are violence. Arrests are violent. Cops brutalizing people is violence. Poverty is violence. Nazi speeches are violent. Apartheid is violence. Worker abuse is violence. Medical debt is violence.
Oppression is violence.
Little revolutionary acts are resistance too, but pitting pious symbolic gestures or communal aid as being opposite violent response to oppression is disingenuous.
Slave revolts were not the beginning of the violence, Stonewall was not the beginning of the violence, the Haitian Revolution was not the beginning of the violence. The Al-Aqsa Flood was not the beginning of the violence.
Acts of solidarity are survival. Acts of solidarity are coalition building. In some ways it can be liberating. But it is not total liberation.
I will help my immediate circle, I will expand my circle, I will build solidarity with those around me and those far from me, but without a fight, we do not see freedom.
“If you form a blockade so that paddywagon can’t leave, the cops will beat you.”
If I move, the cops will drive away.
There is always risk! If one person blocks a wagon it may be fruitless but symbolic. If a few block the wagon it may buy time for an escape from the back or just be a gesture of solidarity. If many people block the wagon, it can’t fucking leave.
If no one blocks it, business continues as usual, and “order” is restored, and the gears of incarceration grind on unhindered.
How peaceful.
#LJsm#there is undoubtedly a need for risk assessment#and harm reduction#but these convos ring so similarly to abuse situations#the fear ‘if you leave your husband he will kill you’#needs met with ‘so we need to work to get you to leave as safely as possible’#which will take time and require building safety nets#but it is ABSOLUTELY NOT NOT NOT#not ‘time to make peace with being here and just make my situation as nice as I can’#people who stay under abuse are not cowards#people trying to protect you who question your assesement of risk also aren’t cowards#but people on the sideline watching you make a move alerting everyone so they can publicly shame your attempt to escape sure are
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happy scriblings & playing games (VERY LIGHT new zelda spoilers btw i guess lol)
#witch hat tag#orufrey#me giving up shrines bc of severe joycon drift: this would rly suck if i was oru and qifrey was next to me and i was trying to impress him#qif is better suited to pkmn. having a gaggle of unruly & cute creatures around him feels natural.#he always has oru's starter (traded immediately every time ❤️) 4 adorable creatures to represent the girls#and an unfathomable being to represent a brushbug. the 4 are named after the girls but maybe they get to recommend which things.#like riche would want something really cool & strong & cute. agott something really technically good to help qifrey out..#but qifrey cant let his girls battle. so they're all weak. he sends out oru to protect everyone for him ❤️#oru just plays games to distract from the work grind so he plays them all normally.#they swapped the joycons of their black and white switches long ago too..normal regular tasselcore friendship things..#oru doesnt have the heart to tell qifrey...THAT YOUR JOYCON HAS DRIFT AND SUCKS!!!!!!! he'll accept it...evil joycon of love......#it's weird that im drawing happy sweet art when i feel kinda shitty atm ...
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Final Ghosts thoughts cause I really need to sleep but am still thinking about it--
Choice to end with Alison and Mike taking the hotel deal at the Ghosts' suggestion, and having them return regularly like visiting family: GREAT ❤️
Execution of this plotline in the episode/series itself: not so great.
The immensely rewatchable 5 series as a whole: SO great, very happy to continue loving this show for a long long time.
#bbc ghosts#bbc ghosts spoilers#also to everyone else also in their feelings about this:#reminding myself it's ok to need to work on emotionally regulating when something i like a lot doesnt live up to my hopes for it!#when i was a younger fan I often felt (and still sometimes have to work against the impulse to do this) i needed to#defend the perfection of something i loved#or pretend that i wasn't didappointed by something when I was#it can be really hard to teach yourself to be ok with and learn to process negative feelings#because it's like the big happy loving feelings are so good!!! but sometimes that means negativity can feel similarly huge#so any criticism of something you like-- even if it's your own criticism-- feels like an attack you have to protect against#so that you dont tip hard in the opposite direction and suddenly find you cant enjoy the thing anymore#but learning to find the middle ground is a practice just like anything else#and you can keep loving something even if there are parts of it that didnt work for you#or were imperfect etc#anyway now i really have to go to sleep
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I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)
And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.
And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.
During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.
My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.
And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.
I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.
And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.
I don’t want to be in pain again.
And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.
And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.
I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.
Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.
Pain is good, but not like this.
Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’
Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.
But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.
Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.
You shouldn’t have to be strong.
I’m sorry.
I just wanted to let you all know that.
#vomiting#cyclic vomiting syndrome#actually disabled#disability#chronic pain#recurrent pain#i hate how pain is such a beautiful thing#your body’s alert system and life’s way of making sure you stay alive#protecting you - teaching you - keeping you safe and helping you to heal#letting you know what you need to#and it just gets twisted into something horrible#becoming chronic and never leaving and breaking you down#being used intentionally by others for cruel devices#and i just. i don’t know.#it upsets me is all#i’m sorry to everyone who has to be strong#you shouldn’t have to be#i’m sorry#life’s hard and survival’s not easy#that’s not the way the world works#i get that and i accept that#but this is more than that#and it’s not fair#and i’m sorry for that#i get that life is a constant battle for survival#but you shouldn’t be having to fight with yourself
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Tumblr! Let me edit my own fucking reblog! I need to add more tags on that post!!!
#if youre wondering i hate slow burn with miscommunication most#wtf is hanahaki???#also why can i freely edit every post but that one#slow burn is... fine? i dont care for any ships that employ slow burn apart from bubbline and id NEVER read bubbline fic#miscommunication is never ever written well in fanfic#'but my story--' no fuck you your miscommunication plot is bad#it works well in stories where there are fundamental incompatibilities with what characters NEED#it works well in shera proper because catra needs the exact opposite of what adora needs#catra wants devotion but also agency and adora cannot be devoted because she has to protect EVERYONE#and that means stripping catra of her agency too#and catra sees that as adora thinking shes bettervthan her#it doesnt matter how much they talk about it - their core feelings about the world and lack of psychological skills further push the clash#same for glimmer who wants agency and friendship when adora and bow are pushing her in a protective little shell#she sees it as being stripped of her agency!!!#she sees it as proof people think shes useless... her greatest fear#but adora sees it as protecting her#and the more glimmer lashes out the more adora just becomes Shera because adorq herself feels no use to anyone
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Oh this explains exactly why I hated Mean Girls:
Because jesus christ NO!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT o_O;;;
My family moved around a lot so I transferred schools a lot lol, often in the middle of the school year too. Thanks to that I experienced a wide variety of social dynamics. In the worst, most hierarchic and 'kill or be killed' schools, I was a weirdo outsider, sometimes with literally no friends (which was fine; I knew that wouldn't last forever, bc we were probably going to move again in a couple years). In other schools where there was much less hierarchy and performance, and much more solidarity and camaraderie, I had a lot of friends and was part of many social groups.
Is your school, workplace, family etc. shit? Well, it's not like that everywhere!
You don't have to ruin your life, sell your soul or abandon all morals trying to 'fit in' when the system is shit.
YOU CAN RESIST THE SYSTEM.
#honestly#this kind of reasoning is just making up excuses for your horrible behaviour#'no but everyone else was doing it!!!!'#'we only did it to protect ourselves!!!!!^1'#'we did it because we desired to be accepted!!!!'#fuck off#that's what people holding up other fascist systems tell themselves too#lol#peer pressure is one of the most pathetic things in the world#and cause for so much stupid and horrible shit#oh and 'look!!! in this fictional story EVERYONE is mean! even the home schooled kid and the kids who really want to be kind!!!'#'so that's exactly how it works in real life too!! because the story wasn't made up or influenced at all by an author or anything!!!!'#(lol sorry for the rant ig but i've been mainlining dan and phil for the last few months)#(and dan talks a lot about his horrible school experiences which has made me think a lot about weird school experiences too :( )
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I miss when things actually meant things.. Back in the day, relationships actually meant relationships. Love actually meant love. But now.. it's just what people classify things as things that are Ultimately useless and pointless. Getting to know people, actually meant getting to know people without any ulterior motives or at least not as much as now. Now everything's a game, of how to play people, who can manipulate better.. like what the fuvk? What is the fucking point anymore? Why even bother? It's all a waste of time.
#there is no point anymore. no one cares and no one tries. no one tries to actually be themselves. no on tries in putting in effort.#if someone does the bare minimum its groundbreaking. and thats fucking sad. things were supposed to evolve but it just disintegrated.#im not meant to be in this generation.#everyone is so close minded and brainwashed into thinking stupidity. no one thinks for themselves anymore.#everything is failing.#and i have to exist and watch it happen because its everywhere and you cant get away from it.#i wish i had an endless supply of drugs to ignore it.. but whats the point of that? because at the end of the day nothing changes.#and then once the drugs wear off.. it all hits me twenty times harder..#and its only way to not want to kill myself.. but theres no reason to be here and endure this shit.#my mother shouldve drowned me harder 😔#everything is curated to what you want to see. to what you want to believe. its all just fake.#i despise the promiscuous posts ive put out when i feel the complete opposite.. and yet im deluded enough to think why shit doesnt#doesnt work out for me? I think.. im so accustomed to not being believed and never taken seriously and felt as if i did that#its like my way of saying “youre right” but now im doing it and really making it a reality that can no longer be taken back.#whats done is done. whats happened has happened. and now i cant seem to care about much of anything anymore..#all because the people who were supposed to help.. didn't. the Teachers. the Principals. the Doctors. the Therapists. the Psychiatrists.#the Attorneys. the Judges. “Child Protective Services” and so many more. just didn't fucking care or try. until it was already too late#and the damage had been done.#im so fucking tired..
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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OPEN STARTER | Boo Yihwa
"New idea: you fuck off or I'll kill you. I hate the way you smell."
#;open starter#the witch;yihwa#the witch;open#NEW FC NEW FC NEW FC couldn't find more resources for the old one plus i generally just wanted a new one lmao here she is#SO she's around 90 yrs old so fresh immortal she/her all the way and she hates people~#her 'immortality' is just her lengthening her lifespan by 'consuming' souls of the deceased#spirits yknow because if they're strong enough to stick around as spirits then they have enough life energy left#to be added to hers IT WORKED it's weird mathematics but she made it work#she's less of a witch and more of a psychic of sorts?? she doesn't really do spells she just#makes it look like it's spells when it's just her having figured out how to trap souls lmao#she's so much NOT fun to be around it's thrilling~#;queue#gosh i have to change her about doc#but hoNESTLY what with her fc change i really wanna WRITE her now LIKE DAMN#she's so muCH FUN because she doesn't mince her words and she hates everyone#OH AND ALSO she's terrified of death she will nOT die that's NOT AN OPTION#but she's also only 91 it's so funny all the shit she knows from the past is stuff your grandparent could corroborate#you should become her lil apprentice actually?? she'd HATE that but then she'd really angrily accept you after a while#and she'd turn you into a supervillain ngl or she'd try to#but you can then go around and say 'i wouldn't mess with me' bc if she starts considering you an extension of herself#or GOD FORBID care about you her deranged methods of self-protection wILL be extended onto you
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you know what, fuck it, i'm still pissed about it.
Yesterday me and my mom were coming home from doing some errands and there was a guy walking his dog down the street.
the dog had a leash but he wasn't holding it.
and this was a big dog with docked ears. had the adorable square head of a Pitbull but the frame of a boxer if that makes sense.
my mom is TERRIFIED of dogs.
when we pull up to our house she starts telling me i have to hurry and get inside the house because the dog is coming. I'm annoyed because she projects her fear of dogs onto me all the time but i know how to handle dogs- dogs bigger than this one- BECAUSE she is scared of dogs and i've had to remove/chase away dogs so she could get inside the house.
the guy still doesn't pick up the lease and is in front of out house. my mom is so scared she refuses to leave the car and even locks the doors. I open the locks, get out, and the guy is waiting for his dog to poop or something because he is standing around, hands in his pockets, and the dog is sniffing one of the trees.
my mom is screaming that the dog is going to eat me and i need to get back in the car, so the guy looks up at me as i approach him.
i ask him if he can grab his dog's leash so my mom won't be scared to leave the car. I didn't ask him to leave, i didn't ask him to take his dog and get out of here, i just want him to hold the dog's leash.
he gets an attitude about how he trusts his dog and he doesn't have to hold the leash.
i point out my mom SCREAMING about the dog and ask, honestly a bit miffed at this point, to just hold the dog's leash.
he does, his dog being a good boy who sniffs my hand before i return to my mom who is calmer now because she can see the dog is being "held and controlled". she still refuses to get out of the car and i have to coax her out. the guy's dog tugs him forward and they start walking again and my mom gets out of the car and inside the house.
I don't give a FUCK how well trained your dog is, put your dog on a leash and hold the fucking leash.
"oh my dog is trained, he won't chase a bird or go into the street" i don't care.
"my dog is friendly, its fine! he won't hurt a fly!" i don't care.
infact if you read this and think the guy was in the right to not have to hold his' dogs leash Fuck You, I hope you vomit out of your nose.
the curse of knowledge is not an excuse for you to get uppity with someone because you decided the world revolves around you and your dog. the leash laws are in place to keep your dog and others safe, not so you can "technically" follow the law and just hope your dog is trained enough that it won't run in the street. and what if another dog, not trained, but also not leashed runs up on you and your dog? how are you going to keep your dog safe? how are you going to stop it from defending itself and you? give it a command that it will follow so the other dog can keep attacking it? NO! YOU GRAB THE FUCKING LEASH AND GET YOU AND YOUR DOG AWAY!
HOLD THE FUCKING LEASH
#vent#rant#ramble#i am still so mad about this#like my mom has problems she needs to get help for#but oh my god everyone in this area does this shit#they get big dogs and make them look intimidating#and then never put them on a leash or hold the leash#or they get cute friendly dogs and decide everyone wants a dog to#run up to them and give them kisses#there are so many things wrong with not leashing your dog and not holding the leash#its great you trust your dog and you worked hard to train them!#congrats!#THE REST OF THE WORLD HAS NO IDEA IF YOUR KUJO LOOKING DOG IS FRIENDLY OR NOT#AND THERE ARE SO MANY STEROTYPES ABOUT CERTAIN BREEDS.#YOU ARE JUST ASKING FOR SOMEONE TO CALL THE COPS ON YOUR DOG#STOP BEING FUCKING STUPID AND PROTECT YOUR DOG#i am STILL SO FUCKING MAD
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Im so pissed that supervisor that is a creep claimed that i was spreading rumors abt it and i got a stern talking to from my bosses abt it even tho im not the one who spread it, other ppl talked abt it a lot, im p sure one of the teens that i was trying to protect ratted me out and it just pisses me off so much and my bosses were telling me that everything was false when ive been noticing odd behaviors from this bitch and given her history i dont have a doubt in my mind that she’s a creep!! I hate how they were trying to accuse me of being the source of all this and trying to gaslight me hate it! I didn’t get in trouble or fired tho bc they know they need me i hate it when dumb ppl try to outsmart you it’s so lame whatever at least i still have a job
#thankfully my friends have my back#also p much everyone was talking abt thatwhen she got promoted so im not the source#and they were trying to get me to rat on other ppl but I didn’t bc im not a snitch#i p much had to act dumb to get outta that situation and then bolstered myself at the end when they asked if i had any questions#and i asked abt work questions abt like the stock and propped myself up as being a good employee#and they were like aw youre such a good employee 🥺#like yeah dumbass unlike that jerk you hired#and they were asking me why I didn’t go to them abt this immediately when they’ve protected creeps in the past so
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I feel strangely left out and jaded amongst my peers this semester, especially at work. I keep getting agitated and getting after people because in certain ways it's becoming a toxic environment, and being 25 with real world work experience amongst 18-20 year olds I keep seeing very poor leadership that leads to conflict. And I called out some of it not too long ago but... I get this vibe like it's not that deep and no one really cares that much and now I feel like I'm taking things entirely too seriously, and I feel like I'm getting a social cold shoulder a bit.
#but like also I've been in real work situations where you don't tell your coworkers or boss anything personal about yourself#i take that very seriously bc I'm autistic and queer and can't be found out kinda deal#and I've been places with very toxic supervisors#so like when the leadership at this job starts calling everyone “besties” and vagueing people in the group chat#i feel like its a major problem and i want yo protect other members#since I'm also in the leadership (tho not the highest positions)#sigh idk
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