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absolutepokemontrash · 2 years

Note

Yesss!!! My time has come, I would like to request a fic where Himiko is made queen for a day, I want all the shenanigans please, mammon cycling between hounding Himiko to make him king and trying to steal the Crown Jewels, Lucifer trying to keep up while making sure the entire kingdom doesn’t go up in flames, diavolo and barbatos absolutely losing it in the background watching this play out, Himiko going gaga over the closets full of expensive fashion (and shoes)

Queen For a Day

Masterlist

Genre: Fluff/crack

Warnings: None

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“I hereby decree, Himiko Nanami will be queen of the Devildom for the next twenty-four hours.” Diavolo said reverently as he placed his crown on the human’s head. Barbatos chuckled in the background, his eyes flashed with amusement as Himiko shot him a conspiracy laden smirk.

“Yes, yes, thank you,” Himiko said, barely able to contain her smile as she sat on the throne (which was much too big for her). “I promise I’ll be incredibly benevolent. No going mad with power for me .”

Diavolo laughed and patted Himiko on the shoulder. “I trust that you won’t.”

“What the hell is going on here?” Lucifer stepped into the throne room, and Himiko swore she could see his eyes bulge out of his skull when he saw the crown on her head. “Himiko! Take that off!”

“That’s no way to address the queen of the Devildom, Lucifer.” Diavolo said with a cheeky grin. “Now that Himiko has been made queen for a day, we can go on our date!”

“Wait what?!” Lucifer stared at Diavolo in shock as the crown prince looped his arm around his waist and began pulling him out the door. “All your work-”

“Isn’t my problem anymore!” Diavolo turned and threw a wave at Barbatos and Himiko. “See you both tomorrow! Take care of Himiko, Barbatos.”

“I’ll be sure to watch over her, Young Master.” Barbatos nodded politely at both Diavolo and Himiko.

“Himiko, if you do anything stupid…”

“I won’t, Lucifer. I won’t. Now my first decree as queen is go on your date.”

•••••••••••

“My second decree as queen,” Himiko thoughtfully tapped her lips as she sat in Diavolo’s seat in the assembly hall, her feet were up on the table in front of her and she couldn’t wipe the grin off her face. “Come on boys, give me some suggestions~.”

“Make your great Mammon the demon king!” Mammon rested his elbows on his hands and put on his best puppy dog eyed expression.

“Mmmmm, I’ll think about it. NEXT!”

Asmo excitedly raised his hand. “Ooo! I’ve been wanting go to school wearing this cute redesign of RAD’s uniform I thought up! Can I wear it?”

“Done!” Himiko smacked her palm down on the arm of her chair like she was a judge with a gavel. “Asmo can wear what he wants!”

“Yay! Long live the queen!” Asmo clapped his hands and swung his feet back and forth.

“I have a suggestion for another decree, my lady,” Satan said with a smirk, exchanging a glance with Belphie, then inclining his head at Lucifer’s empty seat. “May Belphegor and I be preemptively pardoned for any prank related mishaps that happen today?”

Himiko made a show of being in deep thought, before hitting her palm on the chair again. “Done! On the condition that you don’t do anything too mean to our favourite older brother.”

Belphie puffed out his cheek and pouted. “Better than nothing…”

“Can I have access to all the all you can eats I was banned from?” Beel asked, tilting his head slightly. “I want to eat with you guys again.”

“Awwwww…” Himiko put her hand over her heart and slapped her palm against her chair. “Petition accepted!”

“You know,” Barbatos leaned over and whispered into Himiko’s ear. “You don’t need to hit your hand every time you make a decree.”

“Noted, but disregarded. It’s fun!” Himiko whispered back. “Hm, instead of just letting Asmo modify the uniform, how about we change it entirely? It’s kind of… odd, to say the least.”

“OH PLEASE-“

“Dear Devil, change it, we beg of you-“

“That would be amazing-“

“Make the uniform pretty!”

“You‘ll need to sign some things before doing that.” Barbatos interrupted the pleas from the brothers.

“Yeah yeah,” Himiko said, basking in her newfound power. “I’ll do that later.”

••••••••••••••

“Now my lady,” Barbatos pushed open the door to one of the royal closets. Himiko’s eyes flashed as all the shining metals and gems sparkled in front of her. “You asked to see some of the Crown Jewels.”

“Oh my…” Himiko said, nearly completely breathless. “They’re beautiful…”

Almost like she was floating on air, Himiko wandered towards the glass casings protecting tiaras, necklaces, and intricate gold and silver earrings. Most of the jewelry was studded with brilliant red gems, hell, there were gems bigger than Himiko’s fist. In hindsight, that wasn’t too impressive, Himiko had very small hands.

Barbatos then said the magic words: “Would you like to try something on?”

“Oh Barbatos… can I..?”

Himiko reached out towards a gold and red crown with brass thorns sticking out the side. Barbatos caught her hand right before she could touch it. His face was frozen and… ever so slightly panicked.

“Perhaps not that one, my lady. It’s cursed.”

“Uh,” Himiko quirked an eyebrow and looked up at Barbatos. “How many things in here are cursed?”

“Quite a few, I’ll tell you what you can safely try on.”

Himiko pointed out bracelets, gorgeous hanging earrings, and a silver tiara. Wiry metal like the feathers of a bird decorated the front of the headpiece, surrounding a massive onyx gem that was placed right in the centre.

Barbatos gently placed the tiara on Himiko’s head, replacing her pink plastic devil horn headband, and stepped back to let her marvel at her reflection in the floor length mirror.

“Wow…” Himiko softly gasped, she looked amazing…

“PAPA WHY?!”

A massive crash and the sound of frantic running through the halls snapped Himiko and Barbatos back into focus. Oh god… Himiko recognized that running pattern….

Mammon ran straight into the room, ducking behind the door and watching as the Little D’s, led by No. 2, ran past like a bunch of lemmings. Breathing a sigh of relief and spinning on his heel to get a look at the room around him, his eyes landed on Himiko and Barbatos.

“Mammon, what a pleasure. I’m sure you weren’t sneaking into the treasury again.” Barbatos said with a tight lipped smile. From the slightest tension in his forehead, Himiko could tell Barbatos was about half a hair’s worth of self control away from smacking Mammon into next week. Ah, she knew him so well…

“B-Barbatos! N-nice to see ya again! Nah, I’d never do somethin’ like that-'' Mammon finally seemed to notice Himiko, who had her arms crossed and an eyebrow raised expectantly.His eyes went as wide as saucers as he fumbled a greeting. “Ha…hey Mimi…”

Ah, right, Himiko decked out in jewellery worth enough to buy a three bedroom apartment in downtown New York was always enough to get Mammon all hot and bothered. Allowing a smirk to settle on her face, Himiko tilted her head.

“Oh Mammon… how sweet of you to visit me…” Himiko sweetly drawled. “Come to see if I’ve decided to make you king for the next…” Himiko quickly checked her phone. “Sixteen hours?”

“Uh… y-yeah… definitely…” Mammon said, his cheeks completely flushed.

“THERE HE IS!” The Little D’s appeared in the doorway, in a flash, all of them lunged at Mammon. No.2 clung to his leg and looked up at him with teary eyes.

“Papa… how could you try and steal from Mama..?”

“Theft?” Barbatos put a hand over his heart and put on an expression of mock dismay. “My my, Mammon, I see you’re up to your old habits.”

“I’m nobody’s papa! Now get offa me!” Mammon tried kicking Little D no. 2 off his leg, only for No. 4 and 7 to latch onto his other leg.

“Mama, can we get a raise?” No. 2 asked Himiko, who wrinkled her nose at being called ‘mama’.

“Uh…” Himiko’s eyes flicked from Mammon to the Little D’s. “You know what? Sure. Throw Mammon into the gardens for this…”

Himiko turned ever so slightly away and sniffled. “Horrendous betrayal…”

“Himikoooooooo!” Mammon pleaded as he was dragged out of the room and down the hall. “Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiit!”

“Now!” Himiko clapped her hands. “I’m starved, what’s for lunch?”

••••••••••••••••

“I have to give it to you, Barbatos,” Himiko began, she took another bite of her chicken katsu. “You make damn good human world food.”

Barbatos chuckled and shrugged as he refilled Himiko’s glass of iced tea. “Well, human world food is quite simple, really. There are no dangerous exploding fruit to find, no monsters to fight off to get the ingredients, no risks of the food coming to life…”

“Not unless… you know who is at the helm.”

At the mere mention of “He Who is Banned from the Kitchen”, Barbatos shuddered, nearly fumbling in his idle organization of the unused place settings.

“Ah, you may be correct, my lady.”

“My ears are burning~.”

Himiko whirled around and nearly spat out her iced tea when she saw who was swaggering into her temporary castle. Solomon, the shifty, shady, most bastard-y wizard who ever lived.

“You’re as vain as Asmo if you think we’re talking about you.” Himiko said, straightening her posture and lying through her teeth. “Now, what are you doing here?”

“Is that any way to talk to your teacher, Himiko?” Solomon put on a fake pout, then held up a covered Tupperware. “I even brought gifts… I guess you don’t want it…”

“Did Simeon make it..?” Himiko hesitantly asked, exchanging a nervous glance with Barbatos.

“I… did not.” Simeon walked into the dining room, Luke trailing behind him. “But I’m sure it’s… delicious…”

“See! You all should try it! It's baked ziti! I’ve sampled it and man is it amazing! Hang on, I’ll go grab some bread to go with it.” Solomon rushed towards the kitchen, and the moment he was out of sight, Himiko opened the Tupperware and dumped its contents into the flower vase in the centre of the table. The orchids inside withered immediately.

“I feel kinda bad…” Luke mumbled, sitting down next to Himiko. “He worked hard…”

“Yes, yes he did.” Simeon said with a sigh as he sat on Himiko’s other side. “But we also work hard to avoid dying at the hands of our dear friend’s awful cooking.”

“I’m back with- oh, you all finished it already?” Solomon appeared with a thankfully untampered looking baguette. Solomon eyed the dead orchids, then looked over at Barbatos. “Barbatos, I don’t mean any offence, but you should really take better care of the flowers in the palace. They seem to die every time I come over.”

“What a coincidence!” Luke nervously giggled. “A uh… weird coincidence!”

“I’ll be sure to monitor the flowers more closely.” Barbatos gently picked up the vase and removed it from the room, throwing a wink in Himiko’s direction.

“So… what brings all of you here?” Himiko stiffly steepled her hands in front of her and shook some hair out of her face.

“We wanted to ask something of you, since you’re queen for the day and all.” Luke began, happily swinging his legs back and forth.

Simeon nodded. “We wanted to know if-”

“Hang on, hang on,” Himiko fished through her purse, only to look up and see Barbatos holding the notebook and pen she was looking for out to her. She took it with a nod and opened it up to a blank page. “I can’t create new laws, that shit’s gotta get through a million layers of bureaucracy before I can even think of passing it.”

“All for the good of the Devildom.” Barbatos added. Himiko rolled her eyes and absentmindedly clicked her pen.

“Not good for my fun today.”

“Oh, would changes in school rules be as difficult to pass?” Simeon asked. Himiko looked to Barbatos, who shook his head.

“The school’s rules do not fall under the same jurisdiction as Devildom law, so Himiko is free to change them as she wishes as of today.”

“From one exchange student to another, Mimi-“

“Don’t call me that.”

“From one exchange student to another, Himiko,” Solomon corrected himself. “Some of the rules that apply to demons are quite… difficult for us to follow while remaining safe.”

Luke nodded glumly. “Yeah… I almost got detention for running in the halls the other day while I was being chased…”

Ah, Himiko knew that problem well…

“Fine then!” Himiko clapped her hands and then began to scribble things down in her spiral notebook. “New rule! If the exchange students deem it necessary to their safety to run in the halls, they are exempt from punishment.”

“We knew you’d understand, Himiko!” Solomon said with a wide smile. “Now just a few more suggestions,”

•••••••••••

“What a day…” Himiko yawned as she and Barbatos walked through the halls of the castle. “I’m beat.”

“Well, you did wonderfully for your first, and only paperwork free day as queen of the Devildom.” Barbatos mused. “Though I have to say, I’m happy you didn’t become a despot and force us to depose you.”

“I would never.” Himiko absentmindedly waved her hand, then yawned. “Mmm, maybe after a few months. So, do I have to head back to the HOL or-”

“No, my lady, right this way.” Barbatos gently motioned for Himiko to follow him. The human wrinkled her eyebrows and sluggishly followed after him. Once the butler got to the desired location, he threw open the door, revealing a room about three times the size of Himiko’s room back at the HOL. Scratch that, the bed was about three times the size of Himiko’s room.

The massive four poster bed had plush red sheets, a veritable mountain of pillows, on the end table was a nice big bottle of water and a little vase of hydrangeas.

“Pyjamas are in the closet, ring if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” Himiko paused to yawn. “Barbatos… I appreciate it…”

“Sleep well, Himiko.”

As Barbatos clicked the door shut, Himiko began to wonder…

Am I forgetting something..? I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Eh, must be nothing. Himiko rushed into the walk-in closet and nearly shrieked with delight when she saw her PJs. Such nice, soft material… Himiko felt all her tension melt away the moment she slipped the shirt on.

“Ahhhh…” Himiko sighed in relief.

The sound of a palm slapping against one of the windows broke the veneer of silence. Himiko whirled around to look out the window, grabbing a hairbrush off the vanity to defend herself.

“AAAAAAAAA-” Himiko’s window slid open and a familiar white haired demon tumbled into Himiko’s room.

“Oi! Shhh! Stop screamin’! S’just me!” Mammon vaulted back onto his feet and clamped a hand over Himiko’s mouth. “Quiet quiet quiet!”

Himiko stopped trying to scream, thought for a moment, then licked Mammon’s palm. He let out a shriek and snatched his hand back.

“Gross, human!”

“Mammon, what the hell are you doing here?!”

“Well, I chilled in the garden, nearly got eaten, then uh…” Mammon paused and furrowed his brows at the hairbrush Himiko was brandishing. “There are so many weapons in this room, and you grab a hairbrush?”

Himiko felt her cheeks redden as she looked around the room. An ornate bow and quiver of arrows hung on the far wall, three swords were mounted above the fireplace, and a mace was leaning against one of the dressers…

“Sh-shut up…” Himiko hissed, hastily placing the brush back on the vanity without so much of a glance up at Mammon. The Avatar of Greed snickered and put his hands in the pockets of his jeans and began to wander around the room. He let out a low whistle as he took everything in.

“Oh Himi…” He said, throwing her a toothy smile. “You were gonna keep this all to yourself? Not invite your first man over?”

“What can I say? I’m greedy.” Himiko snapped back, folding her arms across her chest. She raised an eyebrow. “Decided to come in and try and steal again?”

“N…no…”

An idea slowly creeped its way into Himiko’s brain as a sly little smirk slid across her face. “Well… it seems the queen has caught an awful criminal sneaking into her castle…”

Himiko tugged Mammon down to her level by the collar of his shirt, the demon’s face went bright red and he began to sputter. The human gently traced a finger down his jawline, feeling his skin heat up with each delicate touch.

“What on earth is she to do..?”

Mammon practically melted into her touch as she gently caressed his cheekbones with her thumb, she giggled and pressed the ghost of a kiss to his lips.

“Mammon…” she whispered.

“Himi…”

“Jump on the bed with me!”

“Eh?!” Mammon jumped back, nearly falling flat on his ass while Himiko began to laugh.

“Jump on the bed with me, Mam.” Himiko giggled, bouncing back and forth on the balls of her feet, all her previous tiredness forgotten.

“Wha- why?!”

“I’m your queen, and you’re a trespasser.” Himiko crossed her arms and climbed up onto her temporary bed. “You will obey me, whelp!”

Mammon stared up at Himiko, almost sizing her up, then began to snicker as he climbed up and began to jump. “You’re a weird one, human.”

“That’s your majesty, to you!” Himiko joined him in jumping. The two playfully shoved each other, giggling like mischievous schoolchildren without a care in the world.

•••••••••••••

“Himi… you win… stop jumpin’…” Mammon mumbled, he was splayed out on the massive mattress as Himiko continued to happily bounce around him.

“Sh, losers shouldn’t talk~.” Himiko chirped. Her merriment was interrupted as she felt two hands firmly grip her waist, and pull her downwards. She hit the mattress with a soft, muffled thump. “Mam…”

“Mmph… Sh…” Mammon purred as he nuzzled his face into the crook of Himiko’s neck, planting featherlight kisses across her collarbone.

“You’re not even in your pyjamas…” Himiko let out a breathy laugh as Mammon pulled her closer.

“I said shush… didn’t I..?” Mammon mumbled as his eyes flickered shut.

“Fine, fine…” Himiko yawned, the day finally catching up with her. “Goodnight, Mammon.”

“Night… Mimi…”

Hm… Himiko had a final fleeting thought before falling asleep. She didn’t forget to do anything, did she?

••••••••••••••••••••••

“Ah! Good morning, Himiko and Mammon.”

“EH?!” Himiko vaulted upwards and nearly slammed her forehead directly into the bridge of Diavolo’s nose. “WHAT IS IT?! WHAT TIME IS IT?!”

“Ten in the morning.” Diavolo chirped, completely unperturbed. “How’d you enjoy your day as Queen?”

“I’d’ve enjoyed it more if I hadn’t gotten chucked into the garden…” Mammon mumbled, rolling over and mushing his face into his pillow.

“Oh it was great,” Himiko said, grinding her palms against her eyelids. “Made some improvements, yadda yadda…”

When Himiko’s eyes finally adjusted to the morning light pouring through the windows, she noticed Diavolo’s bright red RAD uniform.

“Did I… fuck.” Himiko dragged a hand down her face. “I FORGOT TO CHANGE THE UNIFORM!”

••••••••••••••••••

Author’s note

Thanks Nonny! This was really fun!!

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(Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in the future!)

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milenadaniels · 3 years

Text

Before the Night Fades, 8.6k - POV Outsider on Buck/Eddie double date shenanigans (AO3)

“I have a bottle of champagne, four champagne flutes, one engagement ring to go into one of those champagne flutes, and a note to deliver it all to table 34 with dessert,” Tomas explains, wide-eyed, throwing his hand back to the prep station where said champagne is waiting on ice next to four flutes and a small ring box.

“Okay?”

“Okay so there’s two men and two women and I have no idea who’s getting proposed to. I’m not even 100% on who came with who."

---

Or, EddieAna and BuckTaylor double date and it ruins everyone's night.

The nearly-post-COVID return to normal rush is going exactly as well as management at the Tilted Cactus expected it would, which is to say it’s going as miserably as the waitstaff at the Tilted Cactus expected it would.

The owners lost a lot of money to lockdowns, diminished capacity and the general (extremely warranted) paranoia of co-mingling in public during an international plague for the sake of overpriced appetizers. And despite accurately predicting the business would boom once the doors re-opened, management didn’t feel the need to account for more staff to serve said business.

So despite owing $34k on her student loans (that’s after a generous gift from both her parents and her maternal grandmother), barely being able to afford rent in LA, and the utter lack of career prospects, Mere is taking a break in the backroom, next to the dirty mop bucket, mentally running through her finances before she officially gives her notice.

She can’t quit, she knows that.

Turns out leaving New Zealand for LA with nothing but a dream and the idea that if Taika could do it so could she was not the most future-proof plan she could have come up with. The starving artist thing was so 2010.

But Mere’s made up her mind. She’s not made for this abuse. This is bullshit. She’s going to pack up, go home, and you know, do...something else. She’ll figure it out.

Mere pulls herself up from her indelicate crouch on some empty crates and goes in search of a piece of paper — or a fucking napkin, who cares — on which to write up her official resignation.

“No, in section 3A,” she hears Tomas fake-whisper. He’s one of the few new hires to grace these hallowed halls and still thinks it’s disrespectful to talk shit about customers even in the backroom. Umida, a five year veteran of this distinguished profession, has been trying to disabuse him of this particular nonsense.

“Where the fuck is section 3A, Tommy? We have sections 1 to 9, we don’t have any letters.”

“The new sidewalk sections have letters, to distinguish them from inside.”

“You mean sections 10 and 11?”

“...Mr. Peters said they’re using letters.”

“Mr. Peters can swallow my entire ass. The sidewalk sections are literally right outside the door from 9, why would they not be called 10 and 11?”

“Or ‘Hell On Earth’ and ‘Kill Me Please’, as we call them colloquially,” Mere offers, startling Tomas as she pushes through the swinging door she’d been hiding behind. Patio dining is highly encouraged and an excellent way to dine if one has patios. The Tilted Cactus does not have patios. It has a temporary license to put tables on the dirty sidewalk outside their restaurant, where waitstaff get to weave around pedestrians, dogs, and carts like they’re completing an obstacle course.

“Yeah, those work,” Umida agrees, emphasizing her point with a dispirited index finger in Mere’s direction.

“Okay, whatever,” Tomas says with a pained eye roll. “Can you please just check it out and let me know?”

“What’s happening?” Mere asks. She’s leaving this popsicle stand (ideally, on fire as she walks away slowly into the night) but she’s also starved of both human attention and the inherent drama of the culinary world so she’ll be damned if she misses out on one final showdown.

Tomas takes a breath to steel himself. “I have a bottle of champagne, four champagne flutes, one engagement ring to go into one of those champagne flutes, and a note to deliver it all to table 34 with dessert,” Tomas explains, wide-eyed, throwing his hand back to the prep station where said champagne is waiting on ice next to four flutes and a small ring box.

“Okay?”

“Okay so there’s two men and two women and I have no idea who’s getting proposed to. I’m not even 100% on who came with who.”

“You don’t have gaydar where you come from?” Umida asks in perfect deadpan.

Tomas glares harder, crosses his arms and juts one hip out. “I come from San Francisco. We invented gaydar. I’m saying I’m pretty sure the guys are together, but I’m also pretty sure they’re each with the women they’re sitting next to. So figure that out.”

“Like a double thruple?” Mere asks, now actually becoming curious.

“Like a ‘I don’t know what y’all are smoking this far north but I don’t understand your weird relationship dynamics and I’m still on probation and I can’t lose this job because I can’t move back in with my brother because I will murder him and I can’t be an only child with aging parents in this economy so can you please just go out there and tell me what the fuck is happening so I can throw this ring at the right person and punch out sometime before I ‘accidentally’ fall on the meat clever downstairs?’ kind of situation.”

Umida and Mere share a glance.

“Okay, well, don’t despair, new guy,” Mere says with a pat on his arm. “Save the meat cleaving for the capitalist elite. We got you. Let the pros handle this.”

“What did the note say?” Umida asks. “One ‘e’ or two? We can at least eliminate half of our options.”

Tomas does not check the note to spot whether the note-taker had written ‘fiancé’ or ‘fiancée’. He stares them down and fips the note in his fingers so the text faces them.

“It says ‘finance’.”

“Ah.”

“We’re going to need a more hands-on investigation, then,” Mere announces.

—————————-

Mere goes first, only because Umida was on her way to swap a side dressing for her table when Tomas intercepted her.

Mere carries a jug of water and makes the rounds of the outdoor tables, trying to hold in her visible distaste for the pseudo-patio vibe the owners tried to make happen out here. There’s a bike stand and a taxi stand two feet from where people are trying to have a romantic dinner. Every now and again, the LA traffic gets rowdy and noisy, completely butchering the atmosphere. There’s a shitty speaker funneling in some Frank Sinatra but it really does nothing to help.

But after this mystery is solved, none of this will be her problem anymore.

Like Tomas said, there are two men and two women sitting like cardinal points around a round table. The women are on the north and east ends, the men on the south and west ones. Two of them are brunets, one a redhead, and one a blond. They’re all disgustingly gorgeous.

And that’s all she’s got.

“The ravioli sounds so good,” the brunette woman says, casting a look at the brunet man to her side.

“Yeah, it does,” he says.

“Mm,” the blond man disagrees. “It’s got feta.”

“What’s wrong with feta?” Asks the redheaded woman.

“Absolutely nothing is wrong with feta,” he responds with a superior smile directed at the man next to him who’s preemptively adopting the look of someone ready to hear some bullshit. “Unless you have an underdeveloped palate and are simply overwhelmed by such strong delicacies as a moderately salty cheese.”

“Okay, don’t talk to me about an underdeveloped palate, Pennsylvania,” the other man responds, posturing despite the softness of his eyes.

“Hey, I said nothing to besmirch the great state of Texas. Texas is a wonder of culinary delight. I’m saying you’re...a simple man.”

“Feta’s disgusting and that’s a hill I’m willing to die on,” the brunet says with smug finality, holding the other man’s eyes until they’re both smirking and looking back at their menus.

Well then.

Mere’s a little bummed as she fills the water at table 36. She’d been hoping the mystery would run longer than 2 whole minutes, but these guys are definitely together. So the mystery will only come down to who’s getting eng—

“Thankfully Chris inherited a more refined palate,” the blond man — Pennsylvania — chirps as the last word.

“He did,” the brunette woman chimes in with a playful smile. “He loves my cooking. You both loved that greek salad I made last week, didn’t you? That had feta in it.”

“It did!” the brunet man replies, slipping his hand overtop hers. “And I loved it. So clearly context is a factor.”

Mere almost spills the rest of the water all over the lady at table 38 as she takes in the man and woman mooning at each other. Though if it’s any consolation, the redheaded woman looks as unimpressed as Mere feels.

“Yeah, I have no idea,” Mere reports back to Tomas.

“The redheads are playing footsie under the table now. That’s one couple at least right?” Tomas asks. The two of them are parked behind the bar where they can see through the window outside but the exterior tint prevents anyone outside from seeing them. The bar is still used for pouring drinks but the stools are gone — can’t maintain 6 feet between them — so the staff pretty much have the run of this corner of the restaurant.

“He’s not a redhead,” Mere mutters, looking out the window to catch the action. “It’s like a dark blond. And I don’t know, I’m pretty sure the two brunets are together, but then blond guy’s foot is way into the other guy’s space.” For a moment she’s distracted by just how damn long his legs are. “That’s certainly...familiar.”

“They’re lesbians,” Umida declares when she returns from dropping off plates at table 32.

“They’re lesbians?” Tomas parrots skeptically. “I did not get that vibe.”

“I could see lesbian for the redhead, I think,” Mere says. “Don’t know about the brunette.”

“Lesbians come in all flavours,” Umida informs them haughtily. It’s the start of Pride month and her hijab is held together by an “Ally” pin. “You can’t tell someone’s orientation just by looking at them.”

“But you’ve declared them lesbians,” Mere points out.

“Because lesbians are approaching their table and only lesbians know other lesbians.”

“That’s definitely not true,” Tomas reproaches.

“No, she’s right, lesbians coming up!” Mere watches as two more unfairly gorgeous women approach with two young boys in tow. Honestly, screw LA and their beauty standards. The parties look surprised to see each other, but they clearly know each other well. One of the boys stays with the women, but the other one breaks off to join the table.

“No, I mean you can know lesbians without being a lesbian.”

Umida and Mere ignore him.

“Okay, that’s one of their kids, right?” Umida asks. “Lesbians babysitting for date night?”

“He’s got Pennsylvania’s curls,” Mere agrees. "That's the blond guy, by the way, I think he’s from there. Brunet guy is Texas for the time being."

The boy reaches the table and is pulled into a strong hug by Texas, who then directs him to a hug with the brunette.

“Oh, unexpected.” Mere would have sworn he was a dead ringer for Pennsylvania. “But okay, that confirms the hand-holding I saw. We have a set of parents. And unless this is a super modern table, I don’t see the parents being here on dates with other people.”

“Mm, I don’t know.” Umida dithers. “That’s like an auntie hug, not a parent hug. Like if she is the mom, the kid is not happy with her.”

“Wait,” Tomas says.

The boy is wiggling out of Brunette’s grasp and rounding the table to Pennsylvania who’s waiting with a wide smile and open arms, and instead of letting go after, the boy finagles his way onto Pennsylvania’s lap to steal a breadstick. Pennsylvania reaches into the basket for another breadstick to pass to the little boy still waiting with his moms and Mere’s heart tugs a little.

Texas watches on from across the table with unrestrained fondness. His leg shifts to press against Pennsylvania’s who looks up with a smile.

“Boom, gay dads!” Tomas crows.

“And lesbians,” Umida adds.

“Redhead definitely has no part of this,” Mere notes. The woman is smiling but it’s polite and practised, not warm or welcoming. “I guess the brunets could be siblings maybe? Really close siblings?”

Finally, the babysitters make to leave so Pennsylvania kisses the boy’s temple and guides him back to his feet. Texas presses his own kiss to the boy’s curls as he passes, saying something they can’t make out from behind the glass. Brunette gets only a wave as he leaves.

“Gays and lesbians,” Umida concludes smugly.

“Okay, good,” Tomas sighs with relief. “So we know who the couples are, now who’s gettin—”

“Um,” Mere interrupts, pointing at the table.

Redhead’s foot is making its way up Pennsylvania’s leg and he shoots her a grin.

“For fuck’s sake,” Tomas spits as he walks away.

“Did you even take their order yet?” Mere calls after him. He doesn’t answer.

———-

Mere gets pulled away because now that she’s not quitting in outrage until this table 34 drama is over, she figures she should actually get back to work. Happily, having not seen her for the last 20 minutes, Mikael figured she had left or died and had taken over her section. She agrees to split half the tips with him and lets herself be pulled back into the tide of madness.

“Got it figured yet, Tim-Tam?” she asks when she passes him near the bathrooms.

“The guys are sharing their orders,” he says despondently.

“That’s not that incriminating. I split my orders with people. I’m not about to pay full price to discover if I like something.”

“No,” Tomas glares before gesturing to the window with disgust. “They’re sharing their orders.”

Tomas stalks away to hopefully take an herbal break to calm down and Mere goes back to the window just in time to catch the insanity. Mere feels Umida come up behind her and tries to suppress her shiver when her “what in all that is holy” skates across her bare shoulder.

Pennsylvania has just finished piling some of his spaghetti on Texas’ plate, which is exceedingly normal. But now Pennsylvania is reaching for Texas' burger.

“He didn’t cut that,” Umida notes.

“No, he did not.”

They have pretty messy burgers at Tilted Cactus, ones that are hard to share because if you cut them down the middle they tend to lose structural integrity. Of course, this isn’t a big concern if you’re sharing already-bitten-into burgers. Which these absolute freaks are doing.

“Gays and lesbians,” Umida declares again, the earlier smugness replaced with an air of disgust.

But when Umida walks away, Mere watches Brunette wipe something off Texas’ cheek and frowns. One throuple and redheaded side piece? Maybe?

————

“I’m struggling with lesbians as a theory,” Mere tells Umida the next chance she gets at the pickup counter. “I want to believe, but…”

“Yeah, I’m doubting now too. They’re almost exclusively talking to each other. But then I realized it was more getting-to-know-you conversation and this would be a hell of a weird first date.”

“Huh, so heteros all around?”

“Well, I also caught on that they’re spending all this time talking to each other because the guys are like in their own world. Finishing each others’ —”

“Sandwiches?”

“Exactly,” Umida grins, unexpectedly delighted by the reference. “So I don’t know. I really don’t envy Tommy.”

“Me either.”

“Hey Manish,” Umida yells out to the other side of the pickup window, “I’m picking up for Lenore but she’s got a two-seater, why do I have four dishes here?”

“Because Lenore can’t write for shit,” Mere says, picking up the order slip and squinting at the scrawl. “These are for table 24, not 29. It’s a four-seater.”

“Alright, well I guess you’re helping me, then,” Umida says with a wink.

Umida is fully capable of carrying four dishes on her own but she’s asking Mere to come with her so Mere’s already reaching for the plates, hoping the blush on her cheek can be written off as heat from the kitchen.

————-

During a slow stretch, Mere takes it upon herself to refill water and wine glasses in section 10.

From table 32 she can hear them talking about elementary school workloads.

“Oh, ah, I meant to let you know,” Pennsylvania says to Redhead, sitting up in his seat. “I can’t make it to the movies next Friday, can we move it to the next week? I should know my schedule by Wednesday.”

“Sure,” Redhead says with a hint of bite to her pleasant smile. “But I thought you had Friday off.”

“I do,” Pennsylvania says, his lips curving into a small, excited smile, “but Christopher won his class’ public speaking competition and they’re doing a kind of show of all the winners for the parents, and it’s on Friday.”

Mere moves around table 34 and heads for table 36 next, but catches the looks of discomfort on every face aside from Pennsylvania’s. He doesn’t realize he’s said something wrong, but the rest of them have.

“Isn’t that just during school hours?” Brunette woman asks.

Texas hesitates before saying, “yeah, but we’re taking him to Universal after to celebrate.”

Out of pity, Mere doubles back to table 34 and reaches for his water glass to fill. People tend to keep their drama buckled while the waitstaff is there. And sure enough, Redhead glances up and paints a tense smile on her face.

“Yeah, not a problem. That sounds exciting.”

There’s a bite to her words, and by the way his shoulders tense and his fingers curl more tightly around his fork, Texas seems to have picked up on it.

————-

By the end of the entrees, most of the staff have caught onto Tomas’ predicament and one by one everyone from the table-bussers to the cooks have gone out for a smokeless smoke break to try to be the one to divine what the hell is happening at table 34.

None are successful.

“This isn’t even like a romantic date,” Mani laments. “Like none of them are that dressed up and they’re talking about like natural disasters and shit. I don’t get a proposal vibe from like any of them.”

“Who even goes on a double date to propose? Who does that? It’s so tacky!” Gabby says from behind the bar where she’s helping herself to a quick nip before she heads home.

“Who still thinks the ring in the champagne bit is a good idea, is my question. It’s a choking hazard!” Mere says. “How romantic to start off your engagement with a trip to the ER.”

Tomas ignores them all. He looks about 10 minutes away from saying to hell with his probationary status and drinking the next hour away straight out of the vodka bottle at his elbow. “I know it’s Pride and I should be representing but I could really do with a little heteronormativity right now.”

—————-

Tomas is stalling.

Table 34 asked for dessert, of course, and when he vaguely floated the idea of champagne, Texas had readily agreed, so this is happening. The champagne flutes are lined up on a tray, the champagne in them is warming with every minute that passes, and he is no closer to figuring out what to do.

“What if I put all the glasses in the middle and they have to pick which one they want?”

“Okay but the person getting proposed to tonight likely doesn’t know?” Mikael says.

“What if you pretend you didn’t see the instructions?” Shania pitches. “As if we can ever write stuff down correctly anyway. Just say it said to bring out the champagne but nothing about the ring being in a flute! Just hand it back to the proposer and let them get it done.”

“You think we don’t know who the proposee is but we know who the proposer is?” Tomas bites. “If I knew that, Shania, I could have just called them away with a phone call or something and asked them who to give the flute to.”

“Geez,” Shania exclaims, hopping off the bar counter to walk away. “You try to help…”

“And then there were three,” Mario announces as he comes back from another completely unnecessary round of filling water glasses outside.

Tomas’ head snaps up from where he’d been staring into the countertops. “What?”

They all rush to the window and sure enough: Redhead is gone.

“I didn’t see her come in,” Mere says, almost breathlessly. If she’d come in to use the restroom, they would have seen her.

“No, she’s gone-gone,” Mario supplies. “Said she had to get back to work but I’m pretty sure she just wanted out. That’s the chick from the news, you know?”

“People still watch the news?” Mere wondered aloud.

Tomas tsks. “Redhead was the least probable suspect!”

“Well we can rule out Brunette and Pennsylvania as a couple, right?” Umida asks, waiting briefly for the gathered crowd to nod. “Okay, so we’re down to the brunets together, or Pennsylvania and Texas.”

“Or polyamorous,” Mikael sniffs. Mikael is trying polyamory. He doesn’t know there’s a bet going on how long he’ll last. It’s a fine relationship style to get into but one he and his jealousy and insecurity issues are deeply unsuited for.

“Apologies, Mikael, or polyamorous. So you have...yeah, 3 of 3 options left for that ring,” Umida grimaces.

“Wait!” So-Hee cries. She’s supposed to be hosting at the entrance but COVID-19 protocols mean people don’t show up earlier than 5 minutes before their reservation so the podium isn’t very backed up. “What does the ring look like? That could be a clue, right?”

They look to Tomas, whose face is blank.

“You didn’t look?” Mere accuses him, though to be fair it never occurred to her either.

So-Hee pounces on the deep purple velvet box without waiting for Tomas to answer.

“Please god,” Tomas mumbles, grabbing the box out of her hands and prying it open with almost reckless enthusiasm.

All six members of staff currently on duty at the window crowd around, many heads bumping together to catch a glimpse. The ring nestled in the box has a slim, dainty band with a solitaire diamond jutting out proudly, with filigree details on either side.

“Oh thank sweet baby Jesus, that is a woman’s ring!” Tomas nearly yells.

“It could be a man’s ring,” Umida protests weakly, almost sad to see the drama come to an end.

Mere’s a little put out too if she’s being honest. But even if they couldn’t tell from the design, the sizing is way too small to fit on either of table 34’s men’s fingers, as So-Hee demonstrates by plucking the ring up and sliding it onto her own tiny finger.

“Yeah, get it stuck on your sweaty fingers, So-Hee,” Tomas protests almost hysterically, feeling his win come into danger. He wrestles it back off her finger and shoves it back in the box before taking a deep cleansing breath.

“Okay, I’ve got a dessert course to deliver,” he says, the picture of calm professionalism as if he hasn’t spent the last hour losing his entire shit.

———-

They should disperse then, but like brothers in arms after battle, all of them feel the need to stand guard as Tomas prepares to deliver the goods.

Some of them, like So-Hee, stand because they’ve foolishly become emotionally invested in the upcoming nuptial bliss.

Some of them, like Umida, stand because they fell in love with their version of events and they feel the need to properly mourn for what might have been.

“They’re co-parenting that boy,” Umida grumbles. “We all saw that! They can’t deny that!”

And some of them, like Mere, stand because they really can’t be bothered to get back to work.

But stand together they do as Tomas plops the ring in one flute and carries the tray out.

“Excuse me,” comes a voice off to the side of their group.

So-Hee, ever the consummate people-pleaser, actually turns to take care of the customer. The rest of them stay fixed at the window. “Yes, sir, can I help you?”

“Maybe? I couldn’t help but notice that young man taking some champagne out.”

“Yes, would you like to order a bottle as well?” So-Hee pokes Mikael. “We’d be happy to bring some out to you.”

“Ah, no,” the man says. “Well, yes. But I’ve already ordered some. I called earlier, when I reserved my table.”

Mere stiffens, her sixth sense borne of years of customer service piquing. Beside her, Umida takes note as well.

“I asked that champagne be brought to the table with dessert, and I left a box...one that looks a lot like the one on your counter there. And I’m sure it’s just a coincidence but I couldn’t help but want to make sure it’s not my ring that just went out to that other table.”

Mere’s wide eyes spring to Umida’s.

“Oh my fuck,” Umida whispers.

Then they’re both racing for the door.

“Wrong table, wrong table, wrong table,” Mere mutters under her breath as she dodges a stroller and a dog walker trying to reach Tomas —

“Oh, Edmundo!” Brunette exclaims brightly.

Umida’s hand braces Mere like a soccer mom in a car.

It’s too late now.

There’s nothing they can do but watch this trainwreck happen.

Happily, Redhead vacated the seat nearest to them so they have an unobstructed view of Brunette’s eyes filling with tears, of Texas’ wide eyes, and of Pennsylvania’s face losing all colour.

From context, Texas is the Edmundo Brunette is so pleased with.

But Edmundo is shaking his head, his brow furrowed. “I...wha— ”

Pennsylvania comes back to himself first, though the smile he paints on his face is strained and frail. “Ah, con — congratulations.”

“Wha— Buck, no.”

Pennsylvania — Buck — stands up from the table like a colt learning to walk, his eyes darting across the table without landing anywhere. “I — ah — I should let you guys celebrate.”

“Buck, no, I—” Edmundo’s voice is firmer now, his hand darting out to reach for Buck, and Brunette starts to catch on that nobody’s getting down on one knee with a flowery speech.

“Edmundo?” she calls, her bright smile dimming.

Edmundo looks torn and trapped in equal measure, and Mere wonders for a heartbreaking moment if maybe he’s as confused about his relationships as the Tilted Cactus employees have been tonight.

With a sigh, and a reminder that she’s out of this place like Cinderella at midnight, Mere falls on the proverbial meat cleaver. Stepping around Umida’s still outstretched arm, Mere weaves herself in front of Tomas just in case there’s any physical fallout, and pitches her voice low so the neighbouring tables will have to strain to listen in.

“Excuse me, my name is Mere, I’m the assistant manager. I am so sorry to inform you there’s been a terrible mistake. We’ve delivered a ring to your table that was destined to another this evening. We apologize deeply for any confusion this has caused and we will of course be comping your meals.”

“It—Oh.” Brunette’s eyes land on the ring on her finger, and her remaining excitement implodes into embarrassment so quickly and resoundly that Mere’s surprised it doesn’t produce an audible sound. The fingers of her opposite hand grip the ring and pause for a moment before slipping it off. There’s no box to slip it into so Mere holds out her hand, the other tucked neatly behind her back.

“Thank you,” Mere says quietly. “Please forgive us for the mistake. We will be investigating what happened so it never happens again.”

“Of course,” Brunette says lightly, forcing some life back into her voice. “I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm by it.”

Her eyes lift then and take in the scene across from her. Edmundo and Buck still standing, Edmundo’s hand wrapped round Buck’s wrist to keep him from leaving, and her eyes shutter once more.

“If you’ll excuse me, I need to freshen up,” she says politely, rising from her seat and escaping into the restaurant.

Edmundo watches her go but says nothing, frozen still, holding onto the man beside him.

With all eyes more or less off them now, Mere gathers Tomas and Umida and hauls ass back into the restaurant.

————-

The ring is cleaned and inspected by Gareth, its actual owner, who is amiable enough to not escalate the situation further. His fiancée-to-be is none the wiser on any of these happenings — luckily their table, 29, is indoors — so his proposal is still on for the next course. But, just in case it doesn’t go the way Gareth hopes and he turns on them, Mere preemptively comps their meal too and congratulates him before he’s reseated.

On her way back to the kitchen, she grabs Lenore and uses the last hour of her completely fake authority to formally bar her from ever answering the phone again, or taking notes from the phone, or writing anything anywhere ever again. Lenore, having heard about the drama at table 34 and having seen the crying woman rush to the bathroom just now, accepts with little resistance.

And Mere, heart heavy with the weight of what they’ve done to this poor woman, mentally shakes her fist at her own curiosity and need for schadenfreude. If she’d bailed on this place an hour ago, she wouldn’t be leaving with this heartache by proxy.

As if beckoned by her thoughts, Brunette emerges from the bathroom just as Mere is crossing in front of it. She looks better, her tears packed away, and her cheeks only slightly reddened. Mere is about to offer her something — a glass of water? wine? a whole bottle? — when Edmundo steps into view. Mere doesn’t break stride until she’s behind the protection of the pay terminal privacy partition where she can see them but not be seen.

“Hey,” he says softly, his frame pretty loose and relaxed for a man who looked so troubled moments ago.

“Hey,” she returns with a forced smile.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t know—”

Brunette cuts him off with a hand. “It’s not your fault. They made a mistake. It happens.”

Edmundo nods.

“But…” Brunette continues, fidgeting with the strap of her purse. “For a moment, it didn’t seem far-fetched that it...might be real, you know? I know we’ve been taking things slow, but we have been seeing each other for nearly a year now. And I thought… I don’t know what I thought, but it...it didn’t seem so far-fetched.”

Edmundo’s shoulders have grown tense, and it doesn’t escape Brunette’s notice. She smiles sadly.

“But then I looked up and you weren’t even looking at me. You were looking at Buck. You were so scared he would leave and that — that just doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, even if the...the ring was a big misunderstanding, wouldn’t it have been better that he leave so we could talk about it privately? But you were scared, because he was upset… And if he was...I don’t know...upset that you hadn’t told him about this, you could have caught up later and discussed it, cleared it up.”

Edmundo says nothing, but he hangs his head and gnaws on his lower lip.

“But you were scared. Scared of him leaving in that moment. Scared...that he’d leave with the wrong idea? That he’d leave thinking you were — we were... ” Brunette sighs sharply. “I think I’ve been a fool.”

“You haven’t—” Edmundo tries to say.

“No, I have. It’s felt so many times like there’s been a third wheel in this relationship, and I genuinely didn’t realize until now that it was me. And maybe I’m naive but I’d like to think you didn’t realize it until today either. That you’re just as big a fool as I am. And maybe Buck is too.”

Edmundo opens his mouth twice to say something but nothing comes out. In the end, he settles on, “Ana, I’m sorry. I...didn’t realize. I don’t even know if I understand what I realize. But I...I know you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and you didn’t deserve this.”

Brunette — Ana — smiles again sadly, and if a touch bitterly, she’s entitled to it.

“Thank you,” she says softly, before fidgeting with her purse strap again. “I’m going to go. You’ll...say goodbye to Buck for me?” Edmundo nods.

“Goodbye, Edmundo.”

“Take care, Ana,” he responds.

Ana takes a few steps before stopping and turning. “Good luck. I think…” she shakes her head before repeating, “good luck,” and leaving out the side doors.

Mere unglues herself from the privacy wall and slinks sadly back to the bar where she finds Tomas and Umida already halfway through a glass of red each. There’s a third, untouched glass waiting for her.

“We’re horrible people,” Mere decides. “Brunette and Texas just broke up.”

“We didn’t do this,” Umida protests half-heartedly. “Technically, Tomas did.”

“Ugh, you ass,” Tomas sputters. “The note said table 34, you all saw it. It’s Lenore’s fault.”

“It is Lenore’s fault,” Mere agrees before downing half her glass like a shot. Out the window, she can see Pennsyl — Buck — slumped in his chair, staring at the tablecloth. There’s a fresh bottle of wine on the table, two empty glasses at his and Edmundo’s places. Mere raises a glass at Tomas for the gesture.

“If they don’t end up drinking it, I’m taking it home,” Tomas says, “I already wrote it off.”

That’s fair.

Unfortunately for him, when Edmundo gets back to the table, he immediately pours them both a very full glass.

Buck straightens out in his chair, looking concerned and looking around for Ana, who doesn’t materialize. Edmundo says something that has Buck relaxing but looking guilty. Then Edmundo shuffles closer and puts a hand back on Buck’s wrist.

“Okay, back to work,” Mere orders. “We’ve intruded on this drama way too much already.”

When she finds her way back to the bar some twenty minutes later for a totally appropriate reason, table 34 is empty.

————————

A year later, Mere finds herself sitting on the Tilted Cactus bar counter on a Friday night, legs swinging and popping olives like they’re mints. She ended up not quitting her job the night she intended to. Between the excitement, the drama, and the on-duty alcohol, she was feeling pretty chill about sticking it out at the Tilted Cactus a while longer.

But she ended up quitting two days later when the owner found out about how she impersonated an assistant manager and gave her hell for it. She could have stayed, he wasn’t really going to reprimand her. But listening to him talk down at her while her stomach filled with dread at the idea of having to apologize and walk back into that hell hole…nah. Fuck the Tilted Cactus, fuck the owner, and fuck two weeks’ notice. They weren’t getting a minute out of her ever again.

She took the gamble of taking out more student loans and was wrapping up her EMT certification. She’d be in an ambulance soon enough, actually helping people. Not the dream that got her to America, but one that would suffice for now. Make up enough karma to get her feet back under her.

“The lesbians are back,” Umida announces excitedly in a whisper as she fits herself between Mere’s legs against the bar.

“Which lesbians?”

“THEE lesbians,” Umida returns, pointing out the window.

“Those are two guys, babe. Three if you count the kid.”

“They’re lesbians,” Umida insists, waving her hand to dismiss the kid from her labels. “They have strong lesbian energy.”

“You’re claiming them for your people?” Mere grins fondly. It’s the start of Pride again and Umida’s Ally pin has been traded in for a lesbian-flag coloured hijab secured with the updated BIPOC Pride flag pin. She’s very pretty in pink, right down to the lipstick Mere isn’t allowed to kiss off of her until her shift is up.

“I am, they’re mine. I claim them.”

“Wait,” Mere squints, trying to pin down the familiar feeling she’s getting, “are those…”

“The guys! Eddie and Buck. I told you they were semi-regulars now. And we were right, that’s totally their kid. I don’t know how, especially since we know they weren’t together before that night, but he’s their kid. My money’s on one of them being trans because he’s literally their spitting image combined.”

Mere sighs happily and hugs Umida to her. “Well, I’m glad some good came out of that night.”

“Umida?” a young voice asks from across the bar. In the year since the reopening, a slew of new hires have joined the ranks to replace all the veterans leaving and Mere barely recognizes anyone anymore. She saw Mikael (unsurprisingly single again) a couple of weeks ago but he’s clearly on his way out too. Tomas lasted until his probation was over before quitting. Umida, in no small part because she was the longest lasting employee, was rightfully promoted to the role of assistant manager. Mere still hopes she’ll leave this hell hole soon but in the meantime, at least she’s getting paid. And authority looks really good on her.

“What up, Jerome?”

Jerome pushes his dark blue fringe back and holds up a sheet of paper. “I have a note here to deliver a ring to a table with dessert but it doesn’t say who’s supposed to get it.”

“Oh my god, no, no way,” Mere laughs and tries to push Umida away. “Let me out of here.”

Umida’s arms close around her hips, preventing her escape.

“Calm down. I created a form so that night doesn’t happen again. Jerome, did you use the form?”

“Um, yeah.” He shakes the sheet of paper in his hands. “I mean whoever took the call did. They checked off the table number, and it’s a ‘fiancé’ not a ‘fiancée’, but it’s a table with two guys so…”

“Okay, but there’s a field for the name, did they fill it out?”

“How am I supposed to know who they are from a name though?”

“Oh my god, kid, you schmooze,” Umida says. “You roll up to their table, you lay on the customer service thick and introduce yourself and ask their names. People are idiots, they’ll tell you, just like that.”

Jerome cocks his head in contemplation. “Yeah okay, but no, there’s no name. It’s blank.”

“But you made a form,” Mere mock whispers.

Umida turns on her, her eyeshadow catching the bar lights as she narrows her eyes. “This is not the form’s fault, don’t you blame this on the form! The form has a field for a name! The form provides!”

“The form is flawless,” Mere agrees quickly, running her hand down Umida’s arm soothingly. “You can’t account for user error.”

Umida glares harder before looking up to the ceiling in supplication.

Mere, who has never in her life been able to resist picking at a scab, asks, “what table is it?”

Jerome checks the paper. “34.”

“The cursed table. The cursed lesbians!” Mere gasps, squirming out of the way when Umida tries to pinch her side.

“Well it’s not like the kid is a contender, so it’s 50/50,” Umida points out. “Much better odds than last time.”

“And to be fair, if the wrong guy gets the flute, he can just improvise and propose with the ring in hand,” Mere continues. “Overall, much less exciting drama than last time. 3/10 for me.”

“Thank god. Yeah, let’s do that.” Jerome walks away with his marching orders and Umida turns to Mere. “I have to actually go work. You gonna hang out here?” She’s off in a half hour and they have tickets to the back row of the latest Marvel nonsense.

“I got booze, olives, and an unobstructed view of my favourite drama. I’m all set.” In lieu of a proper kiss, Mere lifts Umida’s hand and kisses her wrist, delighting in watching her girlfriend’s eyes soften. She blows Mere a kiss and flits away to put out fires.

Mere is usually on her phone while she waits for Umida but tonight she watches table 34. The guys — Eddie and Buck, Umida reminded her — are across the table from each other, Eddie is relaxed in his chair but Buck is leaning forward, elbows on the table as he tells their son a story that has him cackling in his seat. They’re not holding hands, but anyone looking can see they’re together. They have ridiculous heart eyes for each other, and from her vantage point she can see those long legs intermingling again, one knee occasionally jostling into the other. Little tangible reminders that they’re there and together.

She saw hints of this that night, and to see it have taken hold and blossomed...suddenly she’s really invested in them having a great night. One of them planned this night out, wanted to surprise the other, and she doesn’t want that going to waste because of a blank field on a form.

Mere’s wearing a dark long-sleeve blouse, not too far off the dress code, so slips off the counter, snags the backup apron they always leave behind the bar and ties it around her waist. One of the newbies whose name she doesn’t know watches her from the host pedestal and Mere raises a fierce eyebrow at them until they go back to minding their own business.

She rinses out a jug and fills it with water and ice and slips back into her customer service posture to make the rounds of the tables in section 10.

“Well now, I recognize you handsome folk, don’t I?” she schmoozes when she gets to table 34, picking up Eddie’s glass first to fill.

Eddie doesn’t place her and she doesn’t blame him, he was under a lot of stress that night. It takes Buck a second but he gets it.

“Oh hey, yeah! Weren’t you — “ Buck cuts himself off awkwardly and casts an eye to Eddie and the kid. “You, ah, gave us our meals for free! Because of the, um, mix-up.”

That’s enough for Eddie to place her, and where Buck relaxes back into his chair as she fills his glass, Eddie goes stock still.

Bingo.

“What mix-up?” the kid asks.

“Ah, they put something in our drink by accident,” Buck lies without lying. “Real choking hazard! So they gave us our meals for free.”

“That’s dangerous,” the kid says.

“It was dangerous,” Mere agrees, filling his glass. “Choking hazard was right. Could have turned a really great night all wrong with a trip to the hospital.”

Eddie’s brow furrows slightly and Mere struggles to keep a neutral face.

“It’s never a good idea to hide things in food. I don’t know why people keep trying instead of just calling us for advice. We have tons of ways to help people with surprises.”

“I completely agree,” Buck says. “We’re actually firefighters and you wouldn’t believe how many accidental choking calls we get.”

Eddie swallows, his eyes looking mildly panicked.

“Firefighters!” Mere schmoozes harder, smiling at the kid as he gets excited again. “Well I certainly feel safer then.”

“Ah, you probably shouldn’t. I was actually one of those calls once,” Buck says halfway through a smile and grimace, pointing to his throat where there’s a faint scar. “Emergency tracheotomy on the floor of a restaurant. But that wasn’t a surprise, just, ah, too enthusiastic about the breadsticks.”

Eddie’s looking decidedly gray now, eyes laser focused on the scar.

“Okay, well I’ll just go ahead and clear these,” Mere says, jokingly reaching for the bread basket until Buck laughs back.

“I’m better now, promise! Small bites, chewed thoroughly!”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” she dithers dramatically, nodding to the kid. “If I leave those here, can I trust you to keep an eye on your dad?”

“Yeah!” the kid agrees with a toothy grin.

Buck’s cheeks redden quickly but he’s still smiling, his head ducked shyly in a way Mere doubts is due to her teasing. Eddie, meanwhile, is still looking poleaxed though fondness is fighting its way back in.

“Well, I was just subbing into this section so this will be goodbye for us but it was great to see you guys! Enjoy your evening!”

“Thanks, you too!” Buck says with an easy smile. Eddie manages a “thank you” and Mere has to restrain herself from patting his shoulder as she walks away.

She’s only just returned the apron to the bar when she sees Eddie walk in and head straight for the host before being led to the back.

“Ready to go?” Umida asks, back in her unsensible heels and cross-chest messenger bag.

Mere takes the hand she extends but tugs her closer instead of following her out, before saying the worst thing she’s ever said in her life, “Actually, do you mind if we stick around a little longer?”

“Something good about to happen?” she asks, peeking out the window.

Mere tugs her in closer and leans her chin on her shoulder. “I think so.”

Twenty minutes later, when Jerome passes by with a tray of assorted chocolate treats and two overturned coffee cups, Mere and Umida find themselves bracketed by half the front and back staff. Gossip still spreads like wildfire it seems.

Buck’s overturned coffee cup and plate is the last thing Jerome puts on the table, and as soon as it’s down, he excuses himself. He keeps a professional pace until he’s past the exterior doors and then he’s racing to take a front seat at the bar.

Eddie turns over his cup but doesn’t reach for the carafe, he wipes his hands on his jeans instead.

“Oh my god, he’s so nervous,” Jerome whispers.

“The kid is so in on it,” the host whose name Mere never caught says, and they’re right. Where Eddie’s tensed up, the kid is bouncing in his seat like he knows something’s coming.

“Come on, guy,” a bus boy mutters, checking his watch. His break is almost over.

Mere’s heart is beating hard in sympathy with Eddie’s as they all watch Buck ignore his coffee cup in favor of serving their kid from the tray. Then he signals to Eddie’s plate, who can’t not lift it for the offered chocolate tortes. Finally, there’s chocolate on everyone’s plates and Buck sits back to try a piece of brownie and Eddie can’t take it anymore.

He motions to the carafe and Buck perks up, finally reaching for his cup. But just as his fingers close around it, some idiot’s dog barks on the sideway, calling his attention away. His fingers flip the cup without ever looking at it, or the plate underneath it.

“Oh come on,” Umida moans.

The dog passes with its dumbass owner and Buck puts his cup back down, or tries to, but finds something in the way. He tries again, pushing the intrusion away with the bottom of the cup.

“Oh my god,” is whined in Mere’s left ear and when she turns her head she’s surprised to find not another Tilted Cactus employee but a customer dressed to the nines, pearls and all.

“Ma’am, did you —”

“Shh,” the woman returns, her eyes never moving from the window. Mere turns back too.

Finally, Buck has managed to push the offending items off the plate and settle his cup down and it’s a nail-biting few seconds where it actually looks like he’s going to reach for the carafe and go about his business.

But like a true wingman, the little kid points directly at it, prompting Buck to push the napkin aside and pick up — the ring.

Buck freezes, holding the ring between his thumb and index. His cheeks flush and a smile begins to break over his face before he looks startled and the smile falls abruptly away.

It’s about this time Eddie realizes that proposing by recreating the night they got together was never going to be the best idea when the impetus to their relationship was an engagement ring accidentally sent to the wrong person.

Eddie vaults out of his seat and into the empty one next to Buck, wrapping his hand around the one holding the ring, and bringing his other hand to his cheek to gently turn his head until Buck is looking at him. They can’t tell what he says, but they can watch Buck’s eyes fill with tears, watch as Eddie gestures to their son who’s smiling wide and reaching out for a hand, which Buck instantly provides. His attention comes back to Eddie then, who’s saying something that gets them both looking a little fragile and it’s hard to say if he actually popped the question yet but Buck is surging forward to kiss him hard and fast. Eddie gives as good as he’s getting for a moment before he slows them with small, gentle kisses. And when they finally break apart, Eddie plucks the ring from Buck’s fingers and slides it onto his ring finger as Buck watches, his eyes wide and half incredulous.

Outside, the nearby tables break out into applause, startling the trio and reminding the two men that they are indeed out in public. Eddie acknowledges the applause with an embarrassed hand and waits until they have a modicum of privacy again before taking Buck’s hand and kissing right near the where the ring now sits. He then reluctantly shuffles back into his seat.

Inside, Mere is hugging Umida to her with a strength buoyed by love. Around them, the staff are starting to disperse, some wiping their eyes, some with goofy grins on their faces.

“Young man,” the lady in the pearls says to Jerome, holding out her credit card, “I want you to charge that family’s meal to my card.”

“Yes, ma’am. That’s very generous of you.”

The woman sniffs delicately and leaves without another word. Hopefully Jerome knows where she was sitting…

“I’m glad she did that,” Mere says into Umida’s shoulder, “I was going to, otherwise, and I’m a broke-ass student.”

“I would have pitched in,” Umida says, her voice soft and pensive. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Mere agrees, sliding off the bar counter for the last time. “Oh, hold on.”

She gets closer to the window and turns the flash off of her camera before taking a pic.

“I think that’s bordering on creepy now,” Umida says without judgement.

“It’s not for me.” Mere sends the pic off with a note and three ring emojis.

They don’t make it out of the restaurant before her phone dings.

“What does Tomas have to say?” Umida asks with a smirk.

Mere pulls up the text and reads, “Gays and lesbians. Both, at the same time. Never doubting Umida’s gaydar again.”

Umida laughs victoriously, which shouldn’t be as sexy as it is, and Mere lets her drag her by the hand down the street, letting the nostalgia from tonight settle in her chest.

If there’s anything she misses from working the restaurant scene, it’s getting this glimpse into people’s lives.

Yeah, most of the work was gross, obnoxious, or mind-numbing. But every now and again, she got to be a part of strangers’ stories. Got to be there for the happiest days like graduations, or bridal showers. And even the sadder stories could be beautiful sometimes, like when she got to be extra kind to the elderly woman coming into the restaurant alone for the first time in ten years, or watch a family have their last supper together before their kid moves away for school. It’s just all so human and some kind of wonderful.

She hopes her career as a paramedic will have just a little bit of that kind of magic.

#911fic #buddie fics #buddie #my fics #okay this is fic 2 of 2 for pov outsider for me!#completely opposite tone of the last one this is just fun and dumb :P #hope y'all like it!#my posts

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theabominableblogger · 5 years

Text

Rewatching “Gotham” S5E4

Not in chronological order, yaaaayyyy...

Also the other reaction posts for Episodes 8-10 are still a work in progress so hang on!

My sister watched it with me (as well as another episode in S5 and we both plan on watching the series finale together) so my comments will be in bold, and hers will be in regular font. Author’s notes courtesy of me will be bolded and italicized.

AN: I managed to record our reactions to this episode and hopefully I can transcribe what I said into this post.

This is going to be fun.

“Shut up and die [Oswald].” *starts singing “Waking Up in Vegas” by Katy Perry*

You are really going to hell.

I am. It’s a curse.

*Recap shows Haven blowing up* Welp.

Ahhhh that freaking shot [of the burning teddy bear]

Hell of a shot to open with

MMMMM....

Also that one [of the people getting out]. That one’s good.

This whole opening just leaves you so numb.

Right? Holy shit.

And I do like that the other villains are so shocked and horrified at this.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, like you have Penguin and Ed and the other people are like “Oh my God...”

Yeah...

Oh you better not-

*Barbara points her gun at an unsuspecting Oswald* Oh come on, his back is turned!

Not right nooowww!

That’s bullshit!

*both look uncomfortable when we hear a baby crying in the background*

Everyone’s just kinda grabbing each other!

*grabs my sister and shakes her by the shoulders* It’s like “Jim!” “Harvey!” “Oswald!”

*one more time* “Bruce!” No, I’m kidding.

*laughs* Christ!

Yeah, whenever they use orange lighting in this show, it’s like “Ah yes, give me more!”

Except you know it means shit’s about to go down.

I know.

Or some shit has already gone down.

*Jim looks at the ruins of Haven* Shiiit...

*Harvey hands back the badge Jim gave to Will* Nooooooo....

*sighs*

Nooooo... come on. God dang it.

*Opening titles roll* So yeah, how’s that for an opening?

Noooo...

“As of now, death toll stands at 311.” Jesus!

“49 injured, more than 2 dozen left unaccounted for.” *very softly* Oh my God.

I swear to God she’s [Secretary Walker] an al Ghul somewhere.

AN: This was actually recorded a few weeks ago. Little did I know...

“But whoever destroyed that building can't destroy the hope we've built.” That’s not gonna do shit!

Yeah, that one lady in the crowd’s like “Oh my God...” SAAAME!

That’s not gonna do shit, Jim!

“How are you [Jim] gonna stop it from happening again?!?” Good question! Honestly right now, Jim, you’re not lookin’ so hot.

I know!

Luciusss!!

“Nothing makes sense anymore.” Someone say “It’s Gotham.” Please God!

“SELINA!” They just leave his [Bruce’s] ass there...

God... poor Bruce.

That’s gonna be nightmare inducing.

Yeahhh-

*Some of Ecco’s goons come in* OH NOOO COME ON!

Ohhh the Ecco goons!

Can I preemptively say “[expletive] that noise?”

*chuckles*

Also, I love this bit right here:

*laughs when Bruce tries throwing a wrench at a goon and missing him by a long shot* Worth the shot, buddy!

Ugghh, so close!

*Alfred comes to the rescue* AL-FRED!

YES!!

LET’S GO!

YESSS!

“I was afraid you didn’t get my signal. Lucius said the range was only a couple of miles.” Where’d he get that?!?

*at same time* What is that?!?

We already get that he’s Batman: he’s pulling solutions out of his ass.

It’s Lucius.

I guess.

“How did that happen?” “I [Bruce] let my guard down.” *aside* You do that a lot, buddy! You’ll do it more in the future!

“She’s [Selina] gone after Jeremiah, alone.” *silently hurrahs*

OK, why is she [Barbara] wearing like a dominatrix outfit?

I mean, her last outfit was covered in filth so... also she has Penguin’s hair.

Yeah but- the leather corset? Really? C’mon...

“We heard people talking about a shady guy working around Haven before it blew.” “This is Gotham. You’re [Barbara] gonna have to do better than ‘shady guy.’“ *both giggle*

“How about a location? A building in the northeast corner of Harlow Park. He says the guy's holed up there.” Also, they really need to release an official map for this because I have no idea where everything is.

They really need to.

Like I know that they use the actual No Man’s Land map

Right... but this continuity strays so much from regular DC continuity that not all of that might apply.

Yeah. It’s like “Oh the Soothsayers are in the Granton district in the Dark Zone” and I’m like “Well where is that?!?”

Yeah.

Amusement Mile?!? I know Ace Chemicals is in the Dark Zone.

Of course it is!

It’s near Crime Alley.

‘Course it damn well is!

But Crime Alley’s in Firefly’s zone. I think, yeah.

Que interesante...

Ohhh that lightinggg!

*Penguin and Co. wait for Jim in the precinct* Ohh c’mon... c’mon dude.

Digging the eyepatch on that guy [henchman] though

*mouths along with Oswald saying “woefully apparent”*

“…you [Jim] are outmanned, outgunned, and out of options.” *sings* OUTNUMBERED, OUTPLANNED!

Hey yo, I’m gonna need a right hand man!

*groans* I’m already dreading this.

“Take all you can carry.” Arm yourselves to the teeth. You’re gonna need it.

Also, they did not kill the dog.

Oh thank God.

Just to let you know!

“WE’RE NOT GONNA KILL THE DOG!”

TZE CHUN, THANK YOU!

“What do you [Jim] say, partner?” Don’t ever say that again.

Yee-haw.

You’ve yee-d your last haw.

*laughs*

*Ed wakes up* Nooo, who gives a shit about Ed? Who gives a shit? I don’t give a shit!

*aside* It’s gonna become a lot more important.

I like this music here [when Ed investigates the suitcase] actually

*both end up scatting it*

Just sounds like they’re banging a bunch of coconuts together.

*both sing* BIG ONES, SMALL ONES, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!

*imitates Ed saying “I’ve been on a trip!” hand gesture included*

*both tilt our heads in unison to read the message on Ed’s hand*

“KNOWS WHAT?!?” Me.

Oh my God...

That’s the campaign poster [of Oswald] in S3!

Also I like how the cop cars have the grills and bars on the front and on the windshield.

Yeah... smart move!

“To hell with Penguin. Haven wasn't your fault.” “I [Jim] told the people it was safe. I made them into a target.” You know Penguin’s right there! He can hear you.

*One of the cop cars drive past Jim* Don’t park in the puddle! Noooo that’s what they diddd-

No they didn’t. Nevermind.

*giggles when Oswald pulls out a megaphone*

“There goes the element of surprise.” *both laugh*

Oh my God, he freaking winked at Jim! Oswald, you-

Oh noooo...

*Another shot at the group* Yep.

“We’re sitting ducks out here.” “And one Penguin. Hey Oswald, why don’t you crawl out there, grab that bullhorn, tell him to come out here quietly?” *both laugh*

*both imitate Oswald’s insulted “Yooouu…”*

“Pretty cozy up here. Thanks guys.” C’mon buddy! C’mon!

*claps hands* Give us him!

Give us the goods!

Give us!

“Zsasz?!?” Yassss....

“Oh hey guys, what’s up?” *both laugh*

Oh my God, I’ve missed him!

*Victor blows Oswald a kiss* YAASSSS!!

ZSAAAAAAAAAASZZZ...

ZSAAAAAAASZZZZ....

ZSAAAASSSZZZZ HONEY!

ZSAAAASSZZZZ!

*giggles* Yaaasss....

Oh my God what. Is that Selina?!?

No, that’s Ed.

Freakin- what is it with him and the bad disguises?!?

But like he got through the entire precinct like that!

Everyone wasn’t paying attention! If they were paying attention, they would’ve just ripped it [the blanket] off of him!

I know!

“I can still see your face.” “Not when I do this, you can’t.”

*laughs*

It’s literally that!

It is.

*Ed runs into Lucius* Ohhh yess! I really like these two interacting.

Lucius!

“I am given and I am taken. I was there from your first breath and I will follow you until your death.” Oh screw off!

Your name.

“Call it a personal matter.” I love that!

His little poses!

Yes yes!

“Well I'm [Ed] guessing you [Lucius] don't want money, because, uh, it's worthless. I don't tend to carry snacks on me. And if I had any bullets, I would just shoot you and take the folder.” I really want somebody to be like “I’ll give you a load of bullets for a box of Cheez-Its.” “DONE!”

*laughs* Would you like the other half of this cosmic brownie?

My God, THIS MAN GOES FREE!

You know who Chris Chalk kinda reminds me of? The ally guy from “Conquest of the Planet of the Apes?”

Yeah, it does...

Hari Rhodes! That’s the actor!

*giggles insanely when Ed tries to take the file from Lucius and utterly fails*

What the frick?

“I [Victor] did not make that building go boom, Jim.” *both laugh*

What a way to say that.

“You gave up any shred of honor long ago! Why should we believe a snake like you?!?” “Because I would never take credit for somebody’s else’s work?” *raises pen in air in agreement*

Well duh!”

“Is this about Sofia Falcone? You should really move past that. It’s not healthy.” *both giggle*

This man...

This man! He was probably raised in the South. He would probably go “Hey y’all! You’ve yee-d your last haw...”

Noooo noooo... he feels more like a California guy.

Yeah... *starts singing the theme song for “The OC”*

*Everyone starts firing at Zsasz* Zsasz is just like “Nope!’

“Nope!”

That’s the most casual duck. Just rolls out of the way!

Come on, Jim!

I’m kinda wondering why they never got “Um guys, there’s a freaking concrete wall between windows. He could just hide behind that!”

Or they could just like aim at an angle.

Yeah...

Get in the room!

This isn’t rocket science.

*both crack up when Zsasz goes for a drink break*

*still laughing* What an asshole!

*Jim body slams Zsasz to the ground* WHAA-

LET’S GO!

Right through the snack table!

And they destroyed his bowl of chips.

“[Victor] Glad to see you’re still with us.” This man has never given a shit in his entire life.

“Thank you, thank you. You were great. Glad there are no hard feelings.” I’ll be here all week. Try the veal!

*laughs* That was priceless.

“Allow me [Oswald] to deal with him [Victor].” No!

No!

“If he did this, I need to know if it was a part of something larger.” Jim, you’re always a part of something larger! READ THE SCENE!

Oh my God, they got Zsasz sitting in the back. Zsasz is probably gonna like try to strike up a conversation.

“So, how was life?” “Oh my God, shut up....”

It’s that bit in “Civil War:” “So you like cats.”

“Sam.”

This is Tony Stank!

*Selina follows Ecco and the new followers into the work site* Oh here we go, here we go. Here we go!

Oh Jesus... the belly of the beast.

Also, that place must smell like just terrible.

Right?!??! If this place doesn’t smell like an armpit, then...

*Sykes dies* ...oh God.

“Well, not with that attitude you’re not.” *leans far and away from screen*

Bitch.

“Everyone, let’s reach inside and dig a little deeper, shall we?” You prick.

*turns towards me* Don’t you dare [sing]

*leans away when Jeremiah licks blood off his knife* HI THANKS NO BYE!

*both groan in disgust*

YOU NASTY! YOU TWO [Jeremiah and Ecco] DESERVE EACH OTHER, ya- mmmmmm!

Honestly though, I am kink-shaming. I am kink-shaming so hard.

*chuckles* They’re carrying his [Sykes] body out in a wheelbarrow.

OK, but like the Tim Curry voice- that’s an affectation! He’s just putting that on to sound impressive.

*laughs when Jeremiah stops talking to himself and awkwardly clears his throat when Ecco walks in*

He’s like “Mm-mm! Sorry! Helloooo!”

*Jeremiah grabs Ecco by the neck to inspect her scar* Noooooo...

He’s lookin’ right at the bullet...

Eeuughh...

“Bruce Wayne, and his sidekick Curls? Or is he the sidekick?” That’s still such a great line.

“And Curls can walk. Really well. Especially… for a paraplegic.” *done*

*softly laughs in shock* Oh my God...

*Jeremiah purrs appreciatively at Ecco* How have these two not eaten each other alive at this point-

*sinks down in chair when Jeremiah dismisses Ecco* Oh my God, that was a ghost kiss! I HATE YOU!

“OK recruits, let’s do like my daddy did before my sixth birthday and move out!” *both laugh*

That is a hell of a line!

*Selina follows Ecco and her group* Yeah, you see him [Jeremiah] in the background just whip around!

Yeaahhh!

That was like a horror movie thing, where the monster just whips around. You can imagine a little scare chord in the background.

Right?!?

Also, I like how they establish that relationship in like under a minute.

Yeah...

Like yes, that is how you do it.

That was good.

Eat that, “Suicide Squad!”

“Evidence of deflagration would suggest something with a slower burn rate, like gunpowder or nitroglycerin.” “But for this level of destruction, that would require a bomb that's 20 cubic feet of explosive material.” Or a baZOOKA!

People just really love their RPGs in this show.

People just really love bazookas. Bane uses one in the Bane Red Trailer

“Man walks into a room, alone, and is later found murdered. There are no windows, and one door, which is locked from the inside.” *whispers* Toxic gas. No I’m kidding.

“The bomb was the building.” *imitates the way Ed says “the bomb”*

I love that.

*Ed and Lucius figure out how the building blew up* This makes the forensics class part of me just so happy.

“Ow! That’s a really nice table.” *both chuckle*

“We got a dozen witnesses that saw you [Victor] walk out of that building before it went kabooey.” *in unison* Kabooey.

“Hey, do you guys have any canned peaches? Man, I'd trade an arm and a leg for that right now. Not mine, somebody else's.” *both laugh*

Man, I missed him!

I know! I’m gonna miss him so much!

“And, guys, those were warning shots. I mean, if I really wanted to kill you you'd be dead.” If you guys could aim in this show.

Right?

I mean it’s not like the *pretends to shoot around something*

“If I blew up a building full of people, I would have covered every inch of my body in sweet, sweet scars.” Can we see them?

*gives me a weird look*

His scars! We only see them once [way back in S1].

I’d [Victor] let Alvarez do it. He’s handsome.” *both chuckle*

OK, but if the Gotham fandom isn’t already shipping them, I’m gonna be very disappointed.

*tries not to say anything without laughing*

Your stunned silence is very reassuring.

“Looks like you need a new suspect.” *in Southern drawl* Looks like it wasn’t Zsasz!

*Oswald arrives at the precinct* Go to hell!

I love that shot of him.

“I know the wheels of justice turn slowly, so I'm here to provide - a modicum of grease.” A what of what?

He said “grace” like “grease.”

What of what? I don’t know. I don’t know diction anymore.

“Oh, I did not expect you to go soft, Jim... Actually, I did, which is why I didn’t come alone.” OH COME ON!

*nods*

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?

“Torturing- torturing Zsasz into confessing won't give the people justice.” And it’s not a very effective way of getting answers either! Because they’re gonna say anything to make it stop.

Also, take a shot every time Oswald refers to Jim as “old friend.”

You’d be dead.

“There will be a trial!” I still really wanted an episode like the “Trial” episode from the animated series. That would have been so cool!

*waves at screen when Zsasz gets escorted out* Bye Zsasz... you’re gonna be high as a kite the next time we see you.

We see him more in this episode.

OK.

The last episode he’s in, he’s just like “Whaauggh!”

*laughs* What a way to go out though.

Harvey just tackles you?

I mean, if I’m gonna go out, I’m gonna go out high as a paper kite too.

*gives her the strangest look*

*laughs* You’re judging me so hard!

*shakes head* I can’t believe you.

I say that like I know what the hell getting high even feels like.

I love that this lazy ass [Haven bomber] just like leaves all the stuff there. He’s like “Oh, we gotta scatter it! Kick!”

“I truly hope you find whoever did this and make them pay.” So he [Ed] didn’t do it.

*shakes my head like the liar I am*

OK...

“I appreciate your help, Ed. Couldn’t have done it without you. If you tell anyone I said that, I will deny it.” *chuckles*

[Ed] You have one friend. Kind of.

He so badly wants to say “No, god dammit!” but he can’t!

Censorship!

This show isn’t rated high enough. Let Edward say [expletive]

*wheezes* He’s not that kind of person who would say that.

Oswald would!

He would. I made that meme thing!

Yeah that’s true.

Ed would catch himself and go “Oh... fart.”

“PENN, WHERE THE F-”

*both laugh*

Oh, that was brilliant*

*The crowd at the trial becomes unruly* Fight, fight, fight!

Oh God...

“Look at them, Harvey.” Not another speech!

Now see, that [mural behind the staircase in Oswald’s place] is like Bioshock! That big- isn’t there a big mural in the-

Yeahhh, in the church, yeah!

For the workforce?

I dunno, this is more like OG Bioshock instead of Bioshock Infinite.

Yeah.

Because we’re past the religious stuff.

Ohh the purple lighting behind him [Oswald].

“So, will I [Victor] be appointed a lawyer? I feel like my rights are being violated.” I mean, technically they are.

Wait, they actually have somewhere there like transcribing the whole thing [trial]!

I also like that he’s [Oswald] wearing the sash that the choir members wore.

Yep...

He [Oswald] paid off the witnesses though! This is-

No! Yeah, they said money is useless, so why would Oswald pay them off?

True... but this is obviously just a sham trial.

It is! It’s a kangaroo court. I love “The Dark Knight Rises.”

Also I like that goon in the background that looks like Neo from “The Matrix.” With the long coat- no, that’s Morpheus. Nevermind.

“It was a bomb.” *chuckles* It was a big one.

“For months now, you've been hearing me [Jim] say help is coming.” IT AIN’T!

“This is not justice.” This is where I pull out that quote from the first “Dark Phoenix” trailer and just insert it in here.

“I’ll [Oswald] consider that your [Jim’s] closing argument.” That was like his opening and closing argument!

Though it did put me in mind of a much better speech from “Camelot”: “They have forgotten justice, they want revenge, revenge the most worthless of causes.”

*Crowd calls Zsasz guilty* What the hell were you [Jim] expecting?

Welp.

And Zsasz is like “Great...” Good job, Jim!

Thanks for that, Jim!

Great job!

There is a guillotineeee!

Oh come onnn!

They probably got it from like the natural history museum.

Sheesh...

Also, why would they have a guillotine in the natural history museum of Gotham?

Because this place is [expletive] up all the way up to the ears.

“Any last words?” [Oswald] YOU PUT TAPE ON HIS MOUTH, YOU ASSHOLE!

*laughs when Victor gives his muffled last words* He’s just stalling, I love it!

“Well said.” *laughs*

*Victor gets rescued at the last minute* Ohhh ho ho ho!

Shit, that was close!

*imitates Oswald yelling “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?”

I actually really hope we see Zsasz in the time jump.

I hope so.

I will be so happy.

*Jim shoves Oswald to the ground* MOM, HE PUSHED ME!

You self-serving asshole!

“What choice do I [Jim] have? Either I let him [Victor] go, or he's dead for something he didn't do.” Either that or it’s like the final scene from “Se7en.”

*very softly* Eesh...

WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!? No. Zsasz is not up for that.

No.

I think he begrudgingly gets along with Barbara so he wouldn’t do that.

“This city will never be what you it to be, Jim. It’s always gonna belong to the bad guys… like me.” Yes.

“What?” “Yeah, what?” *scoffs in hilarity*

“Give him your gun.” OK, I hate this because Jim wants him [Victor] to shoot him.

Come on...

He wants a shootout!

“Maybe I'm just tired of listening to you, Victor.” Jim, come on!

*groans in frustration*

I like that shot though [of Victor being offered Harvey’s gun]. It’s like one of the westerns, with the blurry background.

“Do it.” No...

Jim, what are you, stupid?

*sits back in relief when Victor turns him down* Oh thank God...

“So [Victor] get the hell out of my face.” So why did he [Jim] want a shoot out? He just wanted an excuse to arrest him again?

It’s guess it’s just kind of the built up anger. Plus the fact that everything Jim has tried to do has utterly failed.

Yeah...

So he’s at the end of his rope and given up everything.

That’s true, yeah.

Ooohh that’s [the lighting for that shot of the tunnel workers walking down the hall] cool.

Yeah, where the hell is this?

I don’t know... it looks like an old parking garage.

It does!

*All the tunnel workers get knocked out* Oh dear.

*claps when Bruce emerges from the shadows and catches up to Alfred* LET’S GOOOOO! Yess!

Alfred being a badass!

*laughs when Jeremiah starts fanning himself with his hat*

*done*

*mouths along with Jeremiah’s line about the river, with eyebrows and all*

“So what do we do when we feel like giving up?” “Dig a little deeper.” *has to sit forward in an attempt not to laugh/sing*

*still done*

*eyes widen when Selina walks up to Jeremiah and stabs him*

“Deep enough?” Let’s go.

Damn.

“Well Selina, I must say-“ Yeah, the Tim Curry voice is an affectation.

Yeah.

Stab number two. Stab number three.

*in unison* Four. Five! Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

God...

Ho-ly shit!

*Jeremiah drops to the ground* And he’s alive after that.

*shakes head*

*Selina gets hit in the head with a tool* Ohhhhhh! That oughta hurttt!

Yeah.... Jesus.

Also, you noticed like that he [Jeremiah] immediately calmed down like “Oh, it’s not Ecco, oh thank God- oh it’s just Selina.”

*laughs*

*Last shot of Jeremiah in the episode* He looks dead.

Yeah. Like how the hell did you survive getting stabbed in the stomach nine times?

Plus, in the next episode, there’s a doctor there. I think it’s some sort of surgeon.

Still though... damn...

*Ed is exhausted after climbing stairs* Mood, Ed.

“I hate stairs.” *laughs*

What a mood!

*sings* What a mood, what a mood, what a mighty big mood!

[1215] Oh Jesus...

Oh my gosh, the amount of times I’ve seen a ceramic rooster thing, ugh... that brings me back.

This poor old lady!

“You were on the roof and you had some kind of a rocket.” *softly* Oh my God...

*The old woman hits Ed over the head* HA!

*Ed starts to remember* Oh my God! He did it after all! Oh, you- eat shit, Ed!

*points at screen* Yeah that’s [the long hair and bowler hat] not a look!

*Ed blow up Haven in a flashback* Why would he even do it though?

Also, I like these Windows screensaver effects. *laughs*

Also, I wanna know how he [Ed] got the room number.

“I promise, I won't tell anybody.” “I know you won't.” Oh, c’mon, Ed!

No, c’mon! Ed, no! No no no!

*Ed shoves the witness out the window to her death* Eat shit and dieeeee...

*tries not to laugh* That’s from “Batman Forever!” Because he pushes the guy out the window in the wheelchair!

Ohhhh, eat shit and dieee-

OK, OK, here’s the thing. You’re gonna hate this ending because I hate this ending-

Oh God...

Because Jim and Barbara and it’s like-

What...

Yeah...

*yowls in frustration*

*can’t help but laugh* Same.

“[Barbara] Your tip didn't pan out.” “Well, I've got another one.” Nooo.

Jim does not need this right now.

He does not need this right now.

You’ve made a lot of shitty decisions this episode, Jim.

Yeah, everyone has. And these two have [throughout the show].

“No one knows what it’s like to be him.” *to the tune of the opening of 2001* Shuuuutttt upppp! SHUT UP!

Is this really the time for freakin’ anger sex?

I know!

“I told you to leave.” No.

*shakes head*

*both say varying degrees of “No” when Barbara gets super close to Jim*

Jim, no. No.

No.

*Jim grabs Barbara’s arm to stop her* Jim, no.

MMMMMMM!!!

*bolts out of seat when Jim and Barbara start to make out*

JIIM, COME ONNN!!!

*in the background* I’m goin’ out the window, bye!

Jim...

*comes back to seat when end titles appear* AND THAT IS THE end of the episode!

Nooooo!! Jiimmm, come on! COME ON!

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