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because-of-a-friend · 2 years

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A Little Bit of Care

MASTERLIST

Thanks for the request anon! I hope you don’t mind that I just did this as a bullet point fic (sometimes I feel like I write better in this format anyways lol) Hope everyone is doing well!

Warnings: Mentions food and eating, nothing else that I can think of! This is just a short, cute fic, if I failed to mention anything, pls let me know!

Remember gifs aren’t mine, if you like them, click through to give their OPs some love!!!

Practice can get brutal sometimes

There are just those days when everything builds up

They haven’t had a break in awhile

There’s a comeback coming up

The choreo is harder than ever

They can’t seem to get it together

And they’ve been going as hard as possible in the past few days to get the new moves down

They’re exhausted

No one has much motivation left

They need a break

Chan in particular can get stuck in a bit of a funk on days like this

His mind is a dark cloud

He knows he’s upset but can’t pinpoint why

Probably because it’s actually many things that are causing him distress

He’s been too busy recently

There’s so much on his plate he can’t even think properly anymore

He messed up once in practice but because so many others had messed up before him, the choreographer yelled at him

Mingyu had tried apologizing since he was the one that messed up the most and made their choreographer upset but for some reason it just made Chan more upset

It was just one of those days

You had been having an almost complete opposite experience to Chan that day, though

You felt confident in the outfit you had chosen

Your breakfast had tasted great

Work went smoothly and your boss had even let you off early

You took some time to go to your favorite places around town and then remembered there was a brand new recipe you had wanted to try

Cooking was one of your new favorite hobbies

Along with your days of high school and university, your days of settling for instant noodles and microwave meals were finally behind you

It was a relief to finally be making full meals and eating things that actually had effort put into them

You shoot Chan a text asking him how his schedule looked for the rest of the day and head to the grocery store

The trip to the store is just as pleasant as the rest of your day

It’s not too crowded, everything you need is easy to find, there’s no line at the checkout

When you get back home, Chan finally responds

“Hey babe, we’re probably going to go late today, won’t be home for dinner, sorry :/”

Your heart aches for him

You had gotten used to the times he wasn’t as available

You knew it was just part of his job

And when he wasn’t busy, he was the most attentive boyfriend of all time

He more than made up for his absent days with sweet dates and cute gifts and lots of quality time

Even when he was busy, he’d make sure to send you texts throughout the day or leave notes for you around the house reminding you how much he loves you

You were used to him being unavailable when his career demanded it

But you could never get used to how much stress it put on him

Chan couldn’t count how many times you had claimed that you were going to march up to the company and start yelling at people until the boys got a proper break

When you did this, he would just laugh and shake his head before kissing the top of yours

You looked over the recipe you were making and realized the meal would be easy to transport

You had plenty of time before they would take a break for dinner, so why not?

You put extra effort into making it as perfectly as possible

The meal is finished right in time for you to make it to the practice room for their dinner break

You hum happily to yourself as you make your way there

You’re so excited to be able to do something for your boyfriend

But your good feelings are somewhat dampened when you finally arrive

You can practically feel the negative energy coming from the practice room

There’s definitely yelling to be heard and grumpy comments being made

You wonder if this was a good idea at all

From Chan’s perspective, you honestly look like a real angel when you walk through the door

With your small smile, and your wave and the plate in your hand

When Coups sees you, he says it’s time for a meal break and they all scatter to eat

Chan is smiling for the first time that day

He feels so warm and bright seeing you with food for him to eat

But when you approach him he takes the plate and sets it aside and hugs you

His arms anchor themselves tightly around your middle and he buries his face in your neck

You reach up to pat his head

“Dont. I’m sweaty,” he groans but you ignore him

“You alright?” you ask quietly

He nods and pulls back enough to give you a quick peck as he grins

You direct him to sit down so he can eat before they get started again

You talk to him sweetly and pat his shoulder and head as he eats

Chan is beaming

He feels so happy

Time has started moving slower and it feels like he can actually breathe again

He can feel his muscles relaxing as he listens to your voice and feels your touch

The tension comes back when Seungkwan starts poking around by you two and tries to steal bites of the food you made Chan

You can’t help but laugh at Seungkwan’s antics and Chan is beaming all over again at the sound

“I’ll just have to make enough for all of you next time, then” you tell Seungkwan as you finally shoo him away from Chan’s meal

Chan’s heart skips a beat at the mention of a next time

When he’s finished eating and telling you how much he enjoyed your cooking, Chan feels refreshed and ready to go

“I can stay and wait for you,” you insist

Chan shakes his head, “You must be tired from work, go home and rest, I’ll be there soon”

He presses one more kiss to the top of your head and sends you on your way

He’s too happy to even react when the other boys cheer and tease him over his sweet goodbye to you

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slasherwife · 4 years

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🐻Oh, I stopped to think, how the Slashers would react to their S / O being a witch who reincarnated (doesn’t remember the past life, except how she died.), She does rituals (using some potions, animal bones and blood itself). to raise and control plants and a power related to his death (possibly fire) and have nightmares about his death that usually have phantom pain and vision (in the midst of flames and smoke for example.) kisses from Brazil 🐻

Slashers react to a witch s/o

How do the slashers react with you doing tarot, moon rituals, playing with energies, making potions and doing spells?

🌹🌛🌕🌜🌹how do they react to you controlling the elements and getting forewarning of his death?

Thomas Hewitt

Thomas is lowkey intrigued?

Doesn’t even know what this stuff is??

He’s pretty much clueless, but that doesn’t mean you can’t teach him

If you tell him you’re a witch I have a feeling he’ll be taken aback

“B-but the Bible says—“

“No no, the Bible was originally Aramaic, Tommy— and ‘witch’ in Aramaic meant poisoner, my love. I never poison anyone.” 💖💕💖💕

That should do it 😊

Anyway he will still be bewildered a lil bit, just peepin around the corner watching you doing a tarot reading like Ow0 wot

Will catch animals for you to use for rituals

Do you need human bones too? Cuz he’s got you covered 😊💕

But hearing of your past life death? Seeing you play with fire and plant energies? How the universe practically bows to you? He sees you completely different.

He was standing on the back porch, watching you walk towards him as the grass waved to you and the trees bent in your favor, and he never wanted to be apart from you 🌹😊

You are a starlit goddess, sent to him by mistake— and he thinks you belong to the stars above or in the clouds~~ anywhere but his dark, sad home 😓💖

If you have nightmares about his death, he will go under your wing —begrudgingly— under your constant protection

He doesn’t believe too much of your visions, but he hates seeing you upset and his dark goddess doesn’t deserve paranoia 🥀😓

Jason Vorhees

Whatever Jason thinks, he at least acknowledges at his zombie phase that he isn’t exactly considered natural either.

Tbh you guys would be a total power couple 🤗🥺💖

He would be probably more understanding of your occupation than Tommy, and would embrace you fully 😊

Like “I knew my y/n was special. I knew it!” 😊💕

He doesn’t like that you use animal bones though. “Why the poor animals y/n?? Use human bones instead— here.”

He thinks you have superpowers hah

He loves when you raise the plants to be alive again— it’s like you keep it spring all year and he loves it 🥺💖💕💖🌷

Will be happy that you have them so you can protect yourself if need be 😊

Once you tell him about your past life death and how you can manipulate elements and that you’re getting forewarnings dreams of his death... he won’t be too worried.

First off, any thought of you dying in general is caused him literal physical pain. So he didn’t like you talking about that 🥺💕

You controlling the elements, Fire? He will follow you anywhere hon’. 7’1 immortal zombie legend murderer and powerful sorcerer/ess/witch? Biggest power couple 💕🙌🙌

And then lastly, the only thing Jason will worry about from your dreams is how you will manage with out him. That’s literally it 😂🥺💕💖

He knows he will come back eventually, you can’t kill Jason forever— he physically can’t stay dead lol

He will sheepishly miss all the crazy sex you guys have been having, but you stop your worrying! Jason’s like “my poor bab don’t be so scared— I’ll always come back!” 💕💕💖💕

Michael Myers

Will 1000% pretend your powers don’t interest him.

But just know that he’s peeking around the corner when you absent mindedly play with the candle’s flame while mixing a clarity potion, literally on his toes 😂💕

He loves to be around you when you’re doing candle work, making a potion, practicing controlling the elements— because you exert this powerful and foreign energy aura that’s comforting to him 😊💖💕🥺

Another slasher that will go on a midnight trip of catching animals for you because “ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY GODDESS— 😫💖💕💖💕”

But you wouldn’t even ask for it, he would see you making spell charms or bags with animal bones in it—

And then next thing you know he drops a sack of birds and a goat next to you and walks away???🤭

Do I know where he got the goat?? No I fucking do not xD but it kinda stank so you had to drag it out the back door and get to work 😣

And then obviously he’ll give you human bones as well lel 💕

He likes hearing of your past life death, he thinks it’s cool lol 😊💖

Getting forewarnings of Michael’s death? K.

He wouldn’t be bothered really, but he obviously doesn’t want to die— he’s too stubborn for that 💕💖

This is the only time he will ever listen to you xD barely

Basically like “too bad—I’m going out tonight. But I’ll ‘be careful’ or whatever the fuck you said.”

Another huge power couple btw 🙌💖💕

Bubba Sawyer

He thinks you’re so cool 🥺

He’ll think your tarot readings are a game and he’ll pick up random ones and look at them

(He likes the pictures) 😖💖

He’ll be so curious, like snooping around when you’re doing a ritual, snuggling up against you when you’re saying an incantation—

He’s like a cat💖💕

Oh you like animal bones? What a surprise! His house is literally full of them. 😶🌷

Ya you have an endless supply of animal bones— you won’t ever run out 😂💖💕

You died in your past life? WHAT? Why? *crying*

He will snuggle you all night when you tell him that 🥺

Also thinks you’re a goddess that was sent to him and can NOT wrap his head around the fact that you two met by chance 🥺💖

Cherishes you every single day and will probably be super clingy because you’re just his strong woman who deserves everything for the queen she is— *INHALE* yeah. 😖😖💕💕💖💖

Wait. What? You dreamt of me dying? What abt you will you be okay my little blueberry muffin??

He won’t careeee but at the same time he wants to stay with youuuuu😖💖💕

Just so he can stay alive to be with you, he’ll do everything you say to stay safe and will follow every protocol much to Chop Tops annoyment. 🤷‍♀️😊💕

“No, sorry—Y/n says I can’t do that.”

I love you two together, it gives me the feels 🥺💕💖

Bo Sinclair

Ooooh niceeee

Lowkey interested but probably won’t show it 😆

Like u do u— don’t know don’t care as long as you keep making me pbjs

Prepare for bewildererd looks when he walks in on your using blood/bones for a particular ritual 😳

Like you’ll just be sitting on your bed with your eyes closed, holding a black candle trying to banish negative energy and he’ll walk in—

“Want me to leave...?”

“Shhhhhhh....”

He’ll probably come home one day with an animal skull or something like, “babe I found this owl beak... you want it?” 😂💖💕

He’ll probably tell Lester to catch something while he’s out and about, and then take it and tell you that he got it for you all by himself😂💕

Lowkey scared of you sometimes

He’s not scared of blood, but like y are u using it..??

Tried not to piss you off too much so you hex him or something xD 💖💕

You: *manipulating fire and wind out back*

Bo, walking in on it: bitch what the fu—

If you tell him you’re getting visions of his death, he’ll probably be super skeptical and give you it a smartass remark— probably ask if you’ve been smoking the mugwort too 😳😶

But if you persist on it— he’ll get frustrated but will listen to you because he doesn’t like seeing u upset 🥺🌷

Brahmsie

Bitch wtf u doin?

So confused— explain now

This little shit will go through all of your stuff and take what he thinks is cool and will probably piss off your deities (if u have deities) 😂

You’ll have to make him apologize and have him give it back~~which I wish you the best of luck w 😂💖💕

You’ll just be minding your own business when Brahmsie is looking at your things—

The he legit looks at you dead in the eyes and takes your dragon figurine and disappears into the walls, much to your panic 😓😶😶

But since you can do all this stuff, now 3x more scared of you even tho you’re a small bean in comparison to him— 😳💕🌷

You threatened to hex him if he didn’t start actin right and he started being nice real quick 😂🙌💕💕

Where did u get that blood? 😶😳

Using animal bones? Use the dead rats y/n! Duh!

Bonus for him if he manages to sack the grocery boy and take his bones too 😶💘

“ANYTHING FOR YOU MY QUEEN!” 🙌😭💖💖

If he finds you controlling the elements and sees u controlling fire.... he leaves immediately dont you know he’s terrified of fire??

Yeah uh he demands in a shaky voice that you stop doing that or else ☹️😶he doesn’t like fire at all

But that’s okay cuz you’re still the fuckin coolest person hes ever been w! 😆💘

Wait wut...? You’re saying I’m gonna die? UWU SAVE ME Y/N I DONT WANNA DIEEE

He will literally get so scared when you tell him you’re getting forewarnings of his death, and will go under your wing definitely the most willingly 😅💓💓

Whatever, more cuddles for him! And some other things 😏

I hope u liked ittt! Sorry I’ve not the time to post ANYTHING lately— it took me 5 days to finish this one because of how busy w school I am— but I hope you like it!! 💖💖

#slashers #thomas hewitt #i made a thing #jason vorhees #Michael Myers #bubba Sawyer #bubba sawyer headcanons #bo Sinclair #Brahms Heelshire #Thomas Hewitt headcanons #Jason Vorhees headcanons #Michael Myers headcanons #bo Sinclair headcanons #Brahms Heelshire headcanons

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years

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More Than Friends

(I was gonna say he looks so good in here but who am I kidding, he always looks so fucking good)

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst (but mainly fluff I can’t write angst to save my life)

Word Count: 5K

Summary: You and Mark have a very interesting relationship. The two of you are not exactly dating, but you’re not just friends either. Because of who he is, he isn’t able to take things further in your relationship no matter how badly he wants to. However, something causes him to feel the need to put a label on what exactly is going on between you both.

A/N: (It’s kind of repetitive lol idk how I feel about this story) This was requested by another one of my favorite followers on here @safetypineapples Thank you for all your love and support with my stories and I love reading all of yours! I hope you enjoy this one! Based on the song “At my weakest” by James Arthur.

It's a long night and a big crowd Under these lights looking 'round for you Yeah, I'm steppin' outside under moonlight To get my head right, lookin' out for you, yeah

Could it be your eyes Didn't know that I've been Waitin', waitin' for you When your by my side, everything's alright Crazy, I'm crazy for youOh, here I go, down that road Again and again the fool rushin' in But I can't help when I feel some kind of way Do you feel the same? 'Cause And I fall, I fall for you You caught me at my weakest And I fall for you

“Pick up—fuck—please pick up.”

Mark was pacing back and forth in the hallway; he must’ve looked like a crazy person to all the staff and security guards at the event, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t too sure why it was happening, especially because he was right about to go on stage, but he was currently going through a panic attack. Just a couple of minutes ago, he was sitting in the dressing room with Yugyeom and Jinyoung, waiting for the rest of the guys to finish getting their makeup and hair done. He was playing a couple of games on his phone when he decided to scroll on Instagram and Twitter for a little while when he stumbled across of a few negative posts that crawled under his skin.

Being a KPOP idol had its perks; he got to do what he loved, making music, writing songs, touring and traveling around the world, meeting new people and learning of their cultures and getting to perform on stage in front of thousands of their fans alongside his six best friends. Unfortunately, pros also came with cons. With the large amount of love he received all around the world, he also got a lot of unnecessary hate. He never understood what he did to be hated so much.

Mark was a very kind-hearted, soft-spoken, generous, humble and hardworking person. Sure, he might not have been the best rapper in KPOP, but he gave his all in each and every one of his performances, practices, recording sessions and even when it didn’t have to do with the music; whether it was modeling or being on a reality tv show, he made sure to try his best in order to please everyone he was around. That’s all Mark really wanted to do, but it just wasn’t enough for some people. To the people who weren’t fans of him, if he was too generous, they would consider it as him showing off his wealth and social status.

There were so many different organizations Mark would donate to and speak up for to show his support but so many antis would claim he was doing it just to look good to the public. However, once he went silent to stop all the loathing and hatred, people called him stingy and claimed he didn’t care about others. These days, it seemed as if Mark was the main target for hate within their group and that says a lot seeing as how Got7 were constantly hated on and ridiculed on a daily basis for no reason at all. Whenever something like this happened, his members would constantly tell him to stay away from social media and told him that all the negative people were just jealous of what an amazing person he was.

Normally he would do quite the good job with ignoring the hate, and the rumors that were made up about him that made no actual sense at all; but for some reason there was one comment about how Got7 would be much better off without Mark in the group because apparently “Mark doesn’t do anything to really help the groups success in any way.” Or so the comment read. He tried his best to ignore it and he wanted to find something to take his mind off of the comment, but he couldn’t.

Not even the funny video Yugyeom showed him could prevent him from overthinking and he really didn’t want to show that he was bothered to the other members. As much as he loved them like family, the last thing he wanted to hear was to ignore the hate which is what they always told him. One can only ignore something so much until it actually eats away at them to the point where they feel like screaming and since Mark wasn’t in a place where he could verbally or physically let out his frustrations, he excused himself from the room and walked throughout the arena looking for a quiet and empty place to call the only person he knew that could calm him down.

The only person whose been on his mind and clouding up his thoughts for the last two months since the tour started. Mark considered every single member of Got7 to be his best friend; from day one the seven of them have been through so much together. So many ups and downs, so many trials and tribulations that only made them stronger as individuals and a whole group. Each member had their own way of cheering Mark up; whether it was Jackson making silly jokes, Jinyoung reciting lines from a show he was acting in, Youngjae bringing coco over for Mark to play with her or BamBam buying him a bunch of luxurious items because in his words “a little Gucci never hurt nobody.”

However, the only person who could really get Mark out of the deepest funk was you. You, in more or less words were the only other best friend Mark had apart from his members. He told you every single secret, worry, doubt and insecurity he had because he trusted you with his entire being. On the fateful day the two of you met over a year and a half ago, Mark knew you were going to be someone special in his life and that was an understatement. If he was being honest, you were his entire life; Mark never believed in soulmates before meeting you.

The idea of two people out of the billions of people in the world being destined together was so cliche and he didn’t understand why so many people would claim they met their soulmate. As the days went by and he spent more and more time with you, Mark realized that he got more than he bargained for when he became friends with you and that’s when he knew he was in trouble. Your relationship with Mark was hard to explain; for the first few months, you found confidants in one another. He was your escape from reality just as much as you were his. When your education and work got too much for you to handle, Mark would do whatever he could in his power to get you to focus on better things. Further down the line of being friends, it then blossomed in to something more. Even when Mark was still getting to know you, he found himself developing a little crush on you, but it was inevitable.

You had a beauty that Mark couldn’t even put in to words to describe. He may have been surrounded with so many beautiful idols, actresses and models on a weekly basis, but there was just something; actually many things about you that stood out from everyone else. Mark was sure he’d be able to spot you in a crowded room because his eyes were always looking for you and because you just radiated such a positive and spirit lifting energy that was so contagious. He always wanted to be around you. Around four months in to your friendship, Mark confesses his feelings for you, but he knew he couldn’t act on them. Dating was taboo in the KPOP industry and most idols who were in relationships did their best in hiding it.

There was nothing Mark wanted more than to be the lucky guy you called yours, but it was selfish of him to want to take things further with you knowing that he’d be holding you back from so many things. And it wasn’t like the two of you could have a normal relationship. He wouldn’t get to take you on all these cute dates he was sure you wanted to go on, he wouldn’t get to post about you nor would you be allowed to post anything about him, he couldn’t hold hands, hug you, hold you and kiss you unless it was behind closed doors.

He wouldn’t be able to give you the love and attention you deserved and never failed to show him every single day and that’s what bothered him the most. You were so close, yet so far away and Mark was afraid that you’d get tired of being just friends with him and decide that you didn’t want to wait around for him. Especially since you requited his same feelings and made it aware that you were willing to do whatever it was that he asked of you. You were aware of how hectic his life was and you had a feeling a relationship would be something he wouldn’t be able to give you and you respected it completely.

As long as you had Mark in your life, it didn’t matter what he was to you. But you were only human. You were still so young and had a great head on your shoulders. You had so much going for you yet you were always at his beck and call whenever he needed you. To both his delight yet dismay, you were willing to drop anything and everything for him. While he was away, you’d wake up in the middle of the night to talk to him and stay up till the wee hours of the morning to listen to him talk about his day even if you had an early morning shift or class.

When he got sick, you’d pick up some medication and make some soup to help him feel better. If you were out with friends or colleagues and he asked to hang out, you’d give them some lame excuse and made your way over to him. Mark could never come up with the right words to say to show you and tell you just how much you meant to him and how afraid he was to lose you. All he could do, was show you through his actions; his gentle kisses on your cheeks, your forehead and your lips, how he would always need to be touching you whenever the two of you would spend time together, the way he would always check up on you to make sure you’ve eaten all your meals and that you were taking good care of yourself and doing all these little things for you like blowdrying your hair for you when you were too tired or helping you study for an exam even if he had no clue what he was reading.

He could only hope you understood his nonverbal signals of love. Being on tour was always so fun; it seemed as if more fans came out with every new tour and tonight in London, there were at least 40,000 people at the Wembley stadium waiting for Got7 to perform. Over the years, his nerves slowly calmed down and performing on stage was such an indescribable feeling that he was so grateful for being able to do. The only thing he hated about touring, was being away from you.

Mark made sure to FaceTime you whenever he got the chance, but it wasn’t the same as seeing your breathtaking smile and contagious laughter that he loved so much in person. He’s asked you to go along with them many times, but because you were a full time student with a full time job, and Mark’s company didn’t think it would look good for some random girl to join them on tour and follow them around the world, you stayed back in Korea. As the phone line kept ringing, anxiety built up in his chest the longer he waited. He checked his phone to see what time it was in Korea and he let out an exasperated sigh.

It was currently six in the morning and since Mark knew your schedule like the back of his hand, there was a chance you were either getting ready for school or for work and he tried his best not to be upset. Just like how his work was his main priority, you had every right to make your studies and your work ethic your main concern. However, you had a tendency to put Mark at the top of your priorities and sometimes he wished you didn’t think so highly of him. He wanted to give you the same amount of attention and praise you’ve shown him over the years and you were his second main focus right after his job.

He hated putting you second, he was sure you must’ve loathed having to be his second priority but you never complained nor would you make it known that it bothered you and Mark didn’t know what higher power it was that brought you two together nor did he know what he did to deserve someone so patient and understanding, but he would do it time and time again if it meant having you in his life for as long as he possibly could. With one more sigh, he began walking back towards the corridors where their waiting room was located when he felt his phone vibrate. He didn’t even miss a beat, once he saw your name on the screen he answered and he didn’t care how desperate he sounded. He was sure he didn’t have much time to talk to you, but it didn’t matter. All Mark needed was to hear your voice and he knew he’d feel so much better.

“Hey baby, I’m sorry I missed your call. I was washing my face and brushing my teeth. Aren’t you going on stage here soon? Is everything okay?”

Just hearing your soft little giggle through the speaker was enough to get him to forget of his problems and all he focus on was the sound of your gentle and extremely soothing voice. The term of endearment made him feel even more giddy and he was sure if the guys were to see the effect that you had on him, they wouldn’t let him live it down.

“Yeah I just—I just wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, I just really miss you. That’s all.”

By the hesitant tone of his voice, you could tell there was something more that he wasn’t telling you, but you weren’t going to pry at him. You never forced mark to go in to detail about what was worrying him and wanted him to confide in you at his pace. But you hated knowing that something was currently on his mind not knowing exactly what it was. Even if Mark was a couple of years older than you, you always felt the need to protect him from any evil. His happiness and well being was all you ever cared about and sometimes you’d put it before your own.

“I miss you too Mark and you’re never a bother, you know that. You know if something is wrong, you can tell me right?”

Although you couldn’t see him, you could tell he was nodding in agreement. The two of you had a mutual understanding; you’d wait for each other to find solace in one another but when you did, you’d let it all out. “I know, thanks y/n. I read something so shitty earlier, but hearing your voice makes it all the more better. Don’t worry about me babe, I’m okay. I’m sure the guys are probably looking for me. I’ll call you after the show, have a nice morning and don’t forget to eat a hearty breakfast. I’ll talk to you soon love.”

Once you both said your goodbyes, Mark felt energized and ready to go on stage. He didn’t think it was possible for someone to change him for the better but here you were, making his heart feel as if it was about to bust out of his chest and he never wanted that feeling to go away. As soon as he made his way back to the dressing room where all the guys were dressed up and waiting for him, they were all confused seeing the huge grin on his face after he left so abruptly as if something was wrong; but none of them were going to question it. They were all aware of who you were to Mark and all six of them approved of you.

They loved the effect you had on the eldest boy; they loved the way you made him laugh and smile on his darkest days. You were the light Mark needed and they knew you were put in his life to save him from himself. Once they all walked out onstage and heard the thousands of screams and chants echoing throughout the arena, anything that was bothering Mark no longer mattered to him. All he could think about was making the fans happy, putting all his energy in to each and every song they performed and getting to call you again later. The concert went off without a hitch and honestly it had to be one of the best concerts they’ve done since they started touring.

For the rest of the week, Got7 finished the Europe leg of the tour and as much as Mark loved exploring the many different cities, trying the different foods they had to offer and taking a well deserved rest from all his other work, he couldn’t wait for the two week break the guys were allowed back in Korea. He couldn’t find it in himself to sleep the night before, he was just so excited to have you in his arms again and he came up with the plan to surprise you about coming home earlier than expected. Everyone seemed to know of Mark’s plans because as soon as they landed, they hailed him a taxi and gave the driver your address which he was extremely grateful for. While he was away, he’d find himself overthinking your relationship.

He wanted—no, Mark needed to set things straight between the two of you. Even if you told him that you were willing to wait for him for as long as he needed you to, humans could only be patient for so long and he was afraid you’d find somebody while he was away. Somebody who could take care of you in ways Mark could only wish he’d be able to. Somebody who would love you freely; out in the open without having to worry about a rumor breaking out. Somebody worthy of all your love and admiration.

It was late when they arrived back and he could only hope you didn’t log on to social media and saw that Got7 were back in Korea. He quickly stopped by a cute little hole in the wall florist shop and purchased you a dozen of your favorite flowers. No matter how jet lagged he was from the ten hour flight and how much he wanted to go to sleep, the desire and urge to hold you in his arms was stronger than any exhaustion he felt. He knew he should’ve texted you to ask what you were doing in case you were out to dinner with your friends, but he was just too excited to finally see you that it slipped his mind that there was a chance you weren’t home.

As soon as he buzzed your doorbell, there was an odd feeling that crashed over him and he couldn’t put his finger on it. However, once you opened the door and he saw you dressed so prettily, the numbness he felt in his chest only grew more.

“Oh my God—Mark! What are you doing back so early?!”

You didn’t give him any time to answer before you practically jumped on him; wrapping your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist. You began leaving chaste kisses on the sides of his face and finally left a sloppy kiss on the corner of his mouth before jumping down.

“Hello to you too baby. I wanted to surprise you. God y/n, I’ve missed you so much.”

You looked up at him with an adoring look in your eyes before cupping his cheek. These last three months without him was just as hard and if not more difficult on you than it was for him. Mark had all his members, friends, staff, family and fans by his side but all you really had was him. Although he never failed to lean on you whenever he needed to, you didn’t want to bother him and handled most of your problems by yourself. Even if he told you to tell him when something wasn’t going your way; you just never wanted to burden him. Just getting a text of encouragement was enough to help ease your negative thoughts.

Seeing him, with his fluffy, brown hair down to his neck, his face more healthier and fuller than the last time you’ve seen each other and his biceps more prominent, it was an overwhelming feeling and you had a hard time believing he was actually back and at your apartment.

“Mmm, I missed you too handsome. Let’s get you settled in. Did you eat? Are you hungry? You look exhausted Mark.” You reached for his hand as he held the bouquet of flowers under his arm and dragged in his luggage with his free hand. Since you were ahead of him, you didn’t get to see the way his cheeks turned bright pink at your sudden movement. He was so whipped for you. Once you walked in to your living room, he was quick to notice the box of chocolates on your coffee table and the flowers in a vase sitting on your counter. There was that weird feeling again and he was soon growing curious with what exactly it was that seemed to be eating away at him. You had him take a seat on the couch as you hurriedly brought his luggage in to your room and made your way back to him.

“I uh—these are for you.” You gave him a toothy grin; excited at the idea of him thinking to stop by somewhere and get you flowers. The soft peck on his lips was your token of appreciation and you walked in to your kitchen to find another vase to put his flowers in. Although he felt as if he could practically knock out right there, he got up from the couch and walked over to you. He wrapped his arms around your waist and placed his chin on top of your shoulder. You’ve always adored the height difference between you and Mark. You weren’t the shortest person ever, but you weren’t blessed with height. You shivered at the feeling of him pressing a kiss against your neck and leaned back in to his chest to give him more access to your nape.

“Where’d you buy the flowers from?” When he felt you tense up at his question, he knew something was up and he had a gut feeling he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“I just came back from a double date—but it’s not what you think. One of my coworkers really likes this guy, but she didn’t want to go out with him on her own just yet so she asked me to tag along with her. Honestly she’s been trying to set me up with all these guys but I’ve told her I’m unavailable more times than I can count on my hands. I think she used that as an excuse for me to go out on a date, but I really wasn’t interested. He gave me these flowers and those chocolates, but I didn’t really give him any of my attention and if I’m being honest, the entire thing was so awkward and I gave an excuse to leave early. I’m glad I did though.”

You were facing him at his point and ran both your hands through his hair. So that’s why you were all dolled up; Mark knew he wasn’t overreacting for no reason. You just came back from a date. It didn’t matter that your friend set you up, for all he knew you could go on multiple dates and he couldn’t do anything about it. The two of you were untitled. He didn’t have the right to stop you from looking for a genuine relationship. All he could do was hope and pray that the feelings you harbored for him were enough to get you to stick around.

The way his brows furrowed made you nervous and you didn’t think he cared for you in that way to get bothered at the idea of you seeing someone else. You and Mark may have acted like a couple, but because he wasn’t able to be in a relationship nor did he make it verbally known that he wanted to be one with you, you didn’t think it was possible for him to grow jealous at the thought of you dating someone else.

“I see. Have you been on any other dates? Met anyone worth your while?”

“No. Just the one tonight. Why would I look for anyone else when I have you Mark? Or I mean—actually I don’t know what I mean. I’m not yours and you’re not mine yet I’m holding on to this tiny little thread and the little voice that’s telling me to not give up on us but I don’t know what you see me as; for all I know I could just be a friend you kiss every now and then just because you can’t have anything to serious. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me and that I’m fine with being stuck in this untitled relationship knowing that I want more, but all I care about is you. I know it’s hard for you to live a normal life and I just wanted to give you whatever it is that you need. I’m sorry, I talk too much—“

When you felt a teardrop fell on your cheek, you hesitantly looked up at the older boy and felt a pang to your chest at the sight of his lip quivering as tears were building up at his eyelids. Everyone and anyone who knew Mark was well aware of how sensitive he could be and it was a trait of his you genuinely appreciated. It showed that he had such a big heart. There were moments where he would cry watching a sad video or movie and you’d always smile softly to yourself at how adorable he was. But now, seeing him cry and having a feeling that you were the reason made your head spin. He brought his hands down to your waist and lifted you up on to the counter before connecting your lips together in a rough and extremely passionate kiss.

You and Mark might have shared quite a few kisses in the last year, but this was the first time his lips smashed and melded against yours perfectly. His lips were chapped and tasted salty from his tears, but it didn’t matter. He all but gently forced his tongue in to your mouth and down your throat and although the feeling was foreign, you could find yourself getting used to this. All too soon, he pulled his lips away and placed his forehead against yours, earning himself a soft whimper from the absence of warmth. He began gliding his thumb along your thigh while lifting your chin up so that you were making eye contact with him.

“I’m sorry y/n, I’m so fucking sorry for having to put you through all of that for the last year but I’m so grateful for each and every single sacrifice you’ve made for me. You’re way more than just a friend to me baby, I thought it was obvious with the way I have to constantly be kissing these pretty lips of yours and the way I always need you around. If you were just a friend, I wouldn’t be calling you and checking up on you every day. You wouldn’t be on my mind the first thing when I wake up and right before I go to bed and I know it’s my fault for not telling you how I feel but I’m telling you now, I’m crazy about you. I was always yours y/n, always. You mean everything to me y/n and you know what? I love you. I love you so much y/n and I plan on loving you for a very long time. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, I don’t care about the repercussions or what punishment I get for this, but please be my girlfriend. I’ll do anything to be yours completely.”

With the way he was looking at you, as if you were the one who set the entire universe in to the sky, you were putty in his hands. You never said it out loud, but this is what you’ve wanted from the time that Mark stumbled in to your life. Because you were afraid to come off too forward and selfish, you didn’t tell him that you’d daydream of the day he could finally be able to date you without having to worry about what people or say or do if and when they were to find out. You pulled him closer to your body and hid your face in the crook of his neck. Feeling his heartbeat against your chest made it harder for you to keep the growing smile on your face at bay. You really did love the beautiful boy in front of you.

“I love you too Mark. I’ve always had these feelings for you and I know they’re not going anywhere. You really are one of the best things that ever happened to me. I want nothing more than to take things further with you. It’s always been you too baby. I’m always going to be here for you.”

He stole a couple more kisses from the corner of your mouth before picking you up from off of the counter and throwing you over his shoulder. “Mark, what are you doing?!”

“You can’t look that amazing and not expect me to show you exactly what you do to me. I’m gonna make love to my beautiful baby.”

“Mark! At least take me to dinner first before getting in to my pants you ass.”

He playfully slapped your butt before making his way toward your room. “You know babe, our relationship was never normal to begin with so there’s no point in following the rules. I like living dangerously. Forget dinner y/n, I’m going straight for dessert.”

Oh, here I go down that road Again and again the fool rushin' in But I can't help when I feel some kind of way Do you feel the same? 'Cause And I fall, I fall for you You caught me at my weakest I fall, I fall for you You caught me at my weakest I fall for you

Love you gonna get hold on me Tell me what you gonna do to me Now you've gone and got your hands on me Tell me what you gonna doAnd here I go down that road Again and again the fool rushin' in But I can't help when I feel some kind of way Do you feel the same?'Cause I fall, I fall for you You caught me at my weakest Yeah, I fall, I fall for you You caught me at my weakest And I fall for you

#got7 imagines #got7 #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #mark tuan fluff

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write-it-good-imagines · 4 years

Note

hiii so long story: had a terrible teamwork experience where no one worked and i was still patient and talked nicely expecting something to change but they didn’t and now i feel frustrated and dumb bc my work was taken for granted. so may i request something like that with mark 🥺 i was so angry i cried lol

I got so angry reading this, not going to lie to you. It pains me because this happens way too often and it is really hard to face. People should be better to one another.

~1.2 k words, angst, frustration, comfort

“Can you actually believe those pieces of shit?!”

The air in your lungs evaded entirely, the words rushing out of your mouth relentlessly. It was clear the reality stretching before you was clouded by the boiling anger in your chest; you couldn’t see clearly. You couldn’t see Mark approaching you as you threw your arms in the air, moments after tossing your office jacket into his direction.

“I have tried everything! I tried to… to be polite, I tried to be patient. To explain my point of view and get those fuckers to raise a fucking finger to help me!”

You ran your fingers desperately through your hair, grabbing at it momentarily, and started pacing around the studio, almost knocking a couple of objects over. The distress was growing stronger by the second and Mark was picking up every tiny piece of it.

“I’ve had the last piece of it today. How can one just fucking go and assume another’s work just like that? How does one dare do something so fucking miserable?! They should just go and wipe their asses with that hypocrisy!”

You were tired, hurt, and overworked. It was an accurate statement to say you were oppressed by your so-called colleagues who were practically shoved down your throat for that particular project. You were a tolerant character, proof being your understanding demeanor and your strong desire for cooperation. However, everyone can only endure so much and that day’s meeting, developing as bad as it did, destroyed even the last piece of your determination.

You weren’t one to snap so violently as you had just done. You dropped to your knees in the corner of the room, your nails digging harshly into the palm of your hand in a helpless attempt to suppress the stinging tears pooling in your eyes.

“How can we, as human beings, be so fucking cruel and indifferent to one another? Do we have no conscience left?”

Mark was watching you silently. He had noticed the past days had hurt you but he chose to believe your assurances that you were fine and were just working hard as you usually were. No, he couldn’t find a proper response to your question because, frankly, no answer would have been able to soothe the disappointment you were feeling. But he knew he was getting mad himself.

No one deserved to go through such humiliation.

He crouched down to your level and brought his hands together, watching you with sympathetic eyes. As far as he remembered, rare were the occasions you fell apart. And you were cracking before his very own eyes. It was excruciating, seeing you like that.

“Let everything out, baby girl.”

You clicked your tongue and your teeth dug into your bottom lip; the caustic taste of blood reached your taste buds. Your frail hands grabbed at Mark’s shirt, the knuckles colored a pale yellow as you clenched your fingers into the material. Poor Mark had nothing to do with what you were going through and you knew in the depth of your soul what you were doing was unjust. You just couldn’t tame the fury any longer.

“Why am I the only one feeling dumb when I am the only one being played?!”

Your eyes widened abruptly as soon as your mouth released a yell that echoed in the air. Lips were parted in silent awe and blistering tears rolled down your cheeks. No sound was coming out; just shaky breaths and silent gasps symbolizing the weighty emotions you were unable to express through words.

Mark took your small hands in his and gave each a gentle squeeze before leading them to your sides. He then wrapped his arms around your middle and pulled you into his chest. Mark thought he heard the uneasiness battling violently inside of you. “It’s just me and you now. I won’t let those bastards torment you any longer.”

A small pause followed Mark’s actions and the last thing you heard was the hideous crack in the tone of your voice as you struggled to say something in response. You buried your head into Mark’s protective warmth and gave into the much-desired comfort.

You couldn’t comprehend what was happening around you any longer.

Your eyes were shut tight and your body numb and disregarded into Mark’s arms. All the pent-up frustration surfaced fiercely and you kept on crying until there were no more tears to cry. You didn’t register the exact moment Mark peeled you off the ground. The only thing you knew was that it was exceptionally hard to breathe into the small studio.

You felt boxed like a pitiful creature in a trap.

Mark sensed your desperate need of air in the turbulent sobs coming out of your chest. He knew he had to get you home, help you change out of the clothes and tug you into your shared bed. He had to get you out of the prison you found yourself into.

“You mind wrapping your arms around my neck, beautiful?” Mark spoke in a soft voice, placing a lingering kiss to your temple. He guided your legs around his middle and you mustered every ounce of energy you had left to follow his request.

“Good girl.”

You buried your face in the crook of his neck and mumbled against his silky skin. “Take me home, Mark.”

Mark effortlessly sustained your weight with a sole arm snaked under your thighs. He nodded lightly and grabbed the keys of his car with his free hand, then hastened your departure. He couldn’t do much, given the current situation. Moreover, he did not have any direct influence on your professional life, nor did he want to have. Not even in that dreadful situation, you fell prisoner to.

Nonetheless, Mark could rather help you with many things. He could get angry in your stead, he could absorb all of the negative things gnawing at you, just like a sponge. And he could take care of you. Mark trusted you with his life and he was convinced you would be given justice. You deserved better and if there wasn’t anything better, he would make something better. For you and for that blinding smile of yours he adored seeing on your beautiful face.

For the time being, until you recovered and steadily sprung back up on your feet, Mark would carry the burden for you.

“Everything will be fine, baby girl. “

And deep in your heart, you knew it would be. You learned that every time Mark said so, it undoubtedly became true. Besides, he was there for you. With him there, the world could pretty much end, and the two of you would still find a way to rebuild it from scratch. You trusted him with that.

#got7 #got7 imagine #got7 imagines #got7 scenario #asks #request #got7 request #got7 mark #mark tuan #angst #mark x reader #got7 angst #mark angst

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fantasyizlife · 5 years

Note

Ok so I'm always extreeeeeemely shy asking about prompts and stuff, but honest to God I'm having the worst day in a while and I really need an escape and a distraction of some kind. T_T So yeah, given that I always project my issues on my idols' lives (lol), I'll ask you for a Charles Leclerc angst fic in which he's having a very bad panic attack and another driver, Max or Lewis maybe, calms him down. Hope you'll like the prompt, if you don't please don't feel forced to write it. Hugs

Flight or fight

Come on Charles you got this!

It's a new race in Spa!

It won't be like Germany its a few drops of rain!

Fuck fuck FUCK, keep your shit together!

The fat droplets of rain confirmed the weather would be clear in a matter of minutes. The circuit would be dry well before qualifying due to the pleasant warm sun shining on Leclerc's face. But the negative energy now running rampant in Charles veins wouldn't shut up. He was suited up and trying to not pace the back of the garage but was failing at that even more so.

"I can't let everyone down again! Come on Charles!" He whispers to himself as his breathing gets away from him. He can feel his heart pounding in his temples now.

Charles closes his eyes and wipes his face, it's only 68 degrees today, he shouldn't be this damp. FUCK! Why does it feel like everyone is staring at him? Charles pulls on the neck of his collar as far as the fabric will go. It's not enough and the panic starts to rise in his throat. It's going to choke him to death!

He glances around the garage and sees everyone scurrying around at normal pace. Noone is looking at him but he's well aware that every camera in a hundred miles can be pointed on him every second he stands here. Charles pinches his nose hard before opening his eyes. His tingling fingers are wet with tears.

Fight or flight are what drivers like him are trained for. Charles has always been a fighter but this here was something of lately he couldn't control. In a split second Charles pushed the bile down and used the surge of energy to get his feet moving before he passed out, disappointing everyone again. He has to dig deeper for the flight aspect of his training.

He makes it clear across the back of Mercedes garage and uses sheer willpower to find the best way to hide himself from what was sure to become the Charles Leclerc shit show! The loss of peripheral vision left him blinded to Lewis Hamilton who now frightened him with an unexpected grip on his right arm. Charles tried to break his hold, tried to focus on Hamilton's lips as he spoke to him. Why the fuck did he sound so far away?

Lewis patted Charles on the back and pulled him close letting him rest his body weight against him. It was only then that Leclerc felt his knees weakening. Lewis practically carried him to a soft surface and let him go. Charles pulled his knees up to his chest and his hid his face as Lewis closed and locked the door.

His body was trembling and tears fell without warning. This was it, the end of the legacy before he ever got it started. He couldn't hold it in anymore, even if he wanted to. Mattia insisted he see the teams psychologist and he had worked hard to hide his issues, passing the tests with just enough to satisfy Ferrari. The long summer break hadn't done him any good either.

"I'm so sorry dad, please forgive me." Leclerc said as the soft surface dipped under the added weight of Hamilton.

"Hey Charles, sit up and take some deeper breaths." Lewis said soft slipping a box of tissue under his knees. Charles shook his head up and down and grabbed a fist full pressing the tissue tightly to his drowning vision. His chest so full of pressure he couldn't catch his breath. This was bad! The worst he ever felt since the passing of his father, before that breakdown was Jules. The very thought made him nauseous. If he could vomit surely he would welcome it, now he was dry heaving.

"Here mate swirl it around and spit it out, you got this." Lewis encouraged handing him his Mercedes bottle. Charles didn't fight it, he took the help. A few swishes and the heaving stopped. Lewis dabbed a wet cloth to the back of his neck and let it rest against his forehead.

Charles tried to keep his eyes open as the situation came into focus. He just lost his shit in front of F1s chosen one! He shook his head in denial but there was no denying it. He needed to thank him and get over to Binotto!

"Hamilton, thanks man..I need to uh go talk to the team." He tried to stand up and his body wouldn't allow it. He was now physically and mentally weak. Lewis unwrapped a pine nut and raisin bar before handing it to him.

"Look prince of Ferrari, take a minute. We have plenty before quali, promise or I wouldn't be here."

Charles took notice in the way Lewis genuinely smiled at him. He was relaxed and seemed to be offering him help so he simply nodded and took a bite. His mouth too dry to swallow just yet so he took his time chewing it. After a few bites and moments of silence Lewis spoke to him.

"You need to think about what you want before you throw in the towel and tell your team about this."

Charles raised his tired eyes to Lewis's and gave him his full attention.

"Its not lost to me mate. Your out here with heavier weight on your shoulders than any of us, I knew it way before Ferrari signed you."

"I just can't seem to escape my own shadow Ham...I want to be good enough..I want to make everyone proud of me."

"You see that's the problem, you want this for everyone but yourself Leclerc. I see you constantly compared to Jules, I see you always honoring him. Nothing wrong with any of that except when you forget that it's you who got you here, your hero to zero attitude only adds to that stress of you thinking your letting your own father down....kid, your breaking my heart and everyone else's by breaking yours. Your father will forever be proud of you. No amount of wins or losses will ever change that Charles."

Lewis stood and got him another cool cloth. Charles looked at the floor thankful he had all his vision back.

"Your team, the fans...they have plenty to love about you before you ever win your first race. It's why your "the prince of Ferrari"

Lewis smiled using air quotes to put the silliness on the phrase Charles has seen many times in front of his name. It felt great to be smiling at all this, he had been searching for the light in his darkness so long he had given up, so he thought.

"You deserve to be in that seat because of your good looks and even greater driving ability! Charles you have to trust in yourself to be that man. Believe in yourself to beat me, uh but could you wait until next year maybe?"

Charles chuckled as the sky over his head busted open and shined for him once again. He closed his eyes and tried to see if the dark clouds of comparison were still looming and to his relief they weren't. His smile got so big it hurt.

"You think you might be ready to give me a hell of a run today? I know I'm ready to race against F1s next champ!"

Lewis held out his arm and Charles gripped his hand as he pulled him into a hug that had such a powerful meaning behind it.

"Thank you Ham, I won't forget this. Ever."

"I'm counting on it, just remember it when your team gives you that plan C shit. Be the man with your own plan, fuck them!"

A big thank you to @iammany for allowing me to try my best at my first one shot that shows every human goes through these crippling situations. I seriously want to just hug our Charles right now!

#request #anxitey #Charles Leclerc #ferrari god #ferrari #Leclerc #formula ones finest #angst #leclerc angst #ferrari is not my friend #love them #Formula One #F1 #my fangirl heart #my fanfiction #send asks

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dr-gloom · 6 years

Text

Delayed Introductions

Summary: based on the Chance Encounters prompt “a storm is delaying our flight home and i’m afraid of thunder, please talk to me while we wait”

Fandom: Sanders’ Sides

Pairing: Analogical

Tangs/Warnings: astraphobia, Human AU, science, brief mentions of Patton and Roman

Words: 1,529

A/N: If you like my style and have a fic request, feel free to shoot me an ask! I’m open to any ship, fluff, angst, all that. I hope y’all enjoy! Fic is under the cut to save dash.

Read it on AO3

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Virgil felt himself jump as another clash of thunder sounded just beyond the glass doors. He’d hated thunder storms for as long as he could remember; they always ramped up his anxiety, despite him being 26 now and knowing that, rationally, he’s safe inside the airport he’s trapped in.

His flight had been delayed due to said storm, and he found himself regretting visiting Patton in the middle of winter. He knew how bad the weather got this time of year, and yet he just couldn’t deny those puppy dog eyes over his computer screen, begging him to visit for Thanksgiving. So now, here he was, in one of the smallest airports he’s ever seen, with heavy rain pelting the building and thunder practically shaking the glass every minute or so.

A flash of lightning lights up the windows across the hall from Virgil, and a moment later thunder claps cacophonously. Virgil can feel his body going tense, seemingly every muscle taut. He fiddles with his phone in the pocket of his hoodie, cursing himself for not charging it the night before, because it had died almost 2 hours ago when the rain had really started to pick up. So here he was, alone, no Tumblr or music to distract him. He just wanted this storm to be over already.

Logan had always found peace in the steady thrum of falling rain. Even the less rhythmic thunder and lightning soothed his mind as he was drawn into Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s world of mysteries and crime solving. Truth be told, he had been a little irked when his flight had been delayed due to the storm, but it would have been irrational to get upset over something as uncontrollable as the weather. Besides, it gave him more time to read his book before he had to be back home, back to the responsibilities of teaching and grading and just, life in general.

Thunder rattled the window behind his back as he turned the page, and he momentarily spared a thought to wonder if the window pane was loose before shrugging it off. Public buildings had to pass numerous inspections before being put to use, so he was sure the airport was structurally sound. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out, unlocking it to read the message from his brother Roman.

hey specs, you still at the airport?

Logan rolled his eyes at the nickname - one Roman had been using since they were children - and responded.

Yes, I am. In case you weren’t aware, the storm is still unleashing it’s torrent of rain and electricity, making it unsafe for flight.

A reply comes quickly; Roman’s television must not be working.

yeah yeah i get it bookworm you know big words. just lemme know when you finally take off, okay?

Logan hums and responds quickly before putting his phone away. Will do. And while your power is out, it might benefit you to crack open a book.

He’s just about to take his own advice and continue reading when he hears something of a yelp across the hall. Curious, he looks up to find the source of the noise. A man about his age, with purple hair, jacket, and shirt is sitting as rigid as a board. Even from this distance Logan can see the tension in his frame, and when another clap of thunder causes the purple man to stiffen more (if it were possible), Logan realizes what’s going on.

Usually, he isn’t one to meddle in other people’s business, or generally be overly empathetic to those he doesn’t know, but for some reason Logan finds himself putting his bookmark in his book and standing, grabbing his suitcase and making his way over to the other man.

Virgil’s heart was fluttering in his chest, beating too quickly and turning his breathing shallow. He needed to calm down soon or he was going to have a panic attack. In front of all these people.

His face heats up when he feels more than sees someone stop to stand right beside him, and he hesitantly looks up at the stranger to see what they want, but when he opens his mouth nothing comes out. The stranger seems to take pity on him and speaks first. “Hello there, my name is Logan. I realize you may not be the type to socialize with strangers, as I’m not of the sort either, but seeing as all flights are delayed until further notice, would you mind keeping me company?” Virgil stared at Logan, trying to gauge why the hell he chose him out of an entire terminal of people. When he couldn’t see any signs of malicious intent, he nodded, still feeling as though he had a cotton ball stuck in his throat.

Logan sits down beside the anxious man, carefully folding his hands in his lap. He doesn’t know much about anxiety, or how to help someone who has it, but... If you are afraid, seek knowledge. “Storms are quite fascinating. Do you know how they are formed?” He glances at the other - Virgil, if the name on his luggage is anything to go by. Virgil just shakes his head, picking at his cuticles. He gets that clouds get a lot of water, so they let go of it in rain, and that lightning has something to do with energy, but that’s about it. Logan nods and looks out the window.

“If we are to take it back to the very beginning - or, in essence, a storms ‘conception’ - the Earth’s surface is heated on warmer days, and through conduction the Earth heats up the air just above it. Warm air, which is less dense, rises and the cooler air above it that hasn’t been effected by this conduction sinks. This process is called convection. Through this process, the hot air is taking the heat from the surface and distributing it to the upper layers of the atmosphere.

“Now, there are three types of thunderstorms; Orographic Thunderstorms, which are caused by air that is forced up by a mountain or hillside, Air Mass Thunderstorms, which are the result of localized convection in an unstable air mass, and Frontal Thunderstorms, which occur along the boundaries of fronts, such as a cold front.” Logan glances at Virgil out of the corner of his eye to see that Virgil is now looking right at him, and his breathing seems to have evened out. Good; though he’s still tense. “Now, a supercell thunderstorm, which I believe we may be experiencing, occurs when very strong updrafts are balanced by downdrafts. This allows the storm to persist for hours. In a supercell, a moist, unstable body of warm air may be forced to rise by an approaching cold front. This results in a strong, persistent updraft of warm moist air, and the air cools as it rises. The water vapor produced by these cooling temperatures condenses and forms cumulus clouds. When condensation occurs, heat is released and helps the thunderstorm grow.

“Now, lightning is formed when frozen raindrops bump into each other as they move around in the air. These collisions create an electric charge. The positive charges - or protons - form at the top of the cloud and the negative charges - or electrons - form at the bottom of the cloud. Since opposite charges attract, that causes a positive charge to build up on the ground beneath the cloud. The ground’s electrical charge concentrates around anything particularly tall, such as mountains, people, or single trees.” He sees Virgil’s eyes widen and adds, “Although, the odds of a person being struck are significantly lower if they’re in an area surrounded by many larger structures. The charge coming up from these points eventually connects with a charge reaching down from the clouds, which creates the lightning we see. Thunder is the resulting ‘sonic boom’ from the force of that energy being released.”

Virgil nods and looks out the window, seeming much more relaxed now. “How do you know so much about this stuff?” Logan smiles slightly, noting that the lightning and thunder has stopped, though it’s still raining heavily. “I am a science teacher.” Virgil looks over at the other. “Seriously?...Well, I guess I can sort of see it. You dress like a stiff.” Logan raises an eyebrow. He’s well aware that his appearance - the glasses, tucked in shirt, belt, and tie - is very stereotypical of a STEM teacher, but no one has ever pointed it out so bluntly before. “We all have our comforts. Mine happen to include dressing formally, as I’m sure yours include the color purple and large jackets.” Virgil smirks slightly, messing with his sleeve. “Whatever you say, Specs.”

Logan sighs quietly. “It’s Logan. I believe I told you that.”

“I know, I just needed an excuse to tell you my name was Virgil without making it sound awkward and forced.”

Logan hums. “I don’t suppose you like tea?” He gestures at the Starbucks on the other end of the small airport.

“Only if you let me buy.” Virgil stands, grabbing his luggage and heading in the direction of the Starbucks, Logan close behind.

A/N: Man I’m really good at bad endings.

Mama taught me to always source my research (lol not really) so here:

https://eo.ucar.edu/kids/dangerwx/tstorm4.htm

http://www.weatherwizkids.com/weather-lightning.htm

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #ss ff #analogical #thunderstorms #sanders sides fanfic

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mihanada · 6 years

Text

Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

(back to masterpost)

This chapter was almost the end of me, ok. We have established that I need to get Wei Wuxian to turn me into a fierce corpse to survive the rest of the story.

Chapter 57: Poisons (Part 2)

“All of a sudden, Lan WangJi’s tear-streaked face, reflecting the firelight, flashed within his mind.”

;-;

that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

“We’ve got so many sects. Can’t we join together and…”

Just you wait! It’ll happen! Man, all this foreshadowing...A nice move, actually, because this would be foreshadowing if we had a linear narrative. Too much foreshadowing as you go along the story has a tendency to make the plot look too forced and everything contrived, but in this case it it’s not really foreshadowing since we have known the outcome for ages already.

“Shixiong!!! You’re alive now!!!”

“Wei WuXian, “What do you mean I’m alive now? I’ve never died to begin with!”

This reminds me of that one meme. That “Stop talking about me like I’m dead!” one.

ah, kids. it’s like ‘lol don’t go killing me off!’

The shooting kites day in and day out part gives off a ‘trapped in limbo’ feeling really well I have to say.

“If I went out, Madam Yu’s gonna whip a whole layer of skin off me.”

You’re too good at foreshadowing, Wei Wuxian. Too good.

On the other hand, we can totally see yet again that everyone in this world exaggerates corporeal punishment but you can never be too sure of when they’re actually serious!! how nice.

Ah, more martial problems...please get these two some marriage counseling. and family therapy for the whole group.

“What a shame that our swords don’t have that much spiritual energy yet. If they could sheath themselves, then nobody would be able to use them.”

“Jiang Cheng, “If you cultivate for another eighty years, then maybe it’d be possible.”

UH. THIS IS INTERESTING.

Suibian apparently does this after Wei Wuxian dies which is how Jin Guangyao outs him to everyone. According to Jiang Cheng, this shouldn’t be possible unless you cultivate to a very high level, so it must not be very common.

Wei Wuxian’s sword actually manages to do this though!

“Don’t let them hear anything we say that could be used to hold against us.”

Funny to hear these words coming from you, Wei Wuxian. See, he can be serious! When he was younger, he was especially more impulsive and carefree with his words.

“Wang LingJiao, “Of course. I didn’t have the time to come have a seat inside the last time I came to give out orders. Please.”

I kind of want to know what becomes of this woman. But I also want the satisfaction of reading her death for the first time, if the story tells us outright. Hey, at least we know who survives this conflict or not right?

I don’t know if I could survive a straight through narrative not knowing which of the secondary characters would live and which would die horrible deaths (and which villains made it out or not).

“last time I came to give out orders” though. like, damn. ultra level of disrespect.

“Sure, then, why don’t you go inside?”

I love Madam Yu’s responses. We may not have many ladies in this story, but at least we have badass ones like Madam Yu to make up for it!

“JinZhu and YinZhu stood behind her, both wearing light smirks on their faces.

YinZhu replied, “There is no tea. Get it yourself if you want any.”

And her maids! Awesome battle maids who apparently always wear armor.

I guess there really are no servants in the Jiang clan’s immediate household to serve tea lol. Jinzhu and Yinzhu sure as hell aren’t going to do it, and neither is Wei Wuxian xD that’s all they’ve got. (i’m sure they have others we don’t see. I wonder if this is a thing or they’re just saying this to spite Wang Lingjiao)

“As the person saying this, you’re a servant as well, aren’t you?”

I’m glad we get Wei Wuxian’s commentary still even though he isn’t running his mouth.

“Madam Yu, however, seemed to deeply understand the phrase ‘servants should be what servants ought to be’. Glancing at Wei WuXian, she happened to concur, responding loftily, “That’s right.”

She really does not like him. xD

“Shooting down such a kite is actually implying ‘shooting down the sun’! He wants to shoot down the sun!”

Youngest shidi, you will be immortalized and your sacrifice will not be forgotten!

remember! The war against the Wen sect is called the ‘campaign to shoot down the sun’ aka “Sunshot Campaign”. And the game that the kids in normal villages play is the same shooting down the kite game with the symbol of the sun on the kite, imitating the Sunshot Campaign.

on a more serious note, I know people who draw these wild, conspiracy-theory level conclusions from something very innocuous and it’s actually quite scary. They can’t be reasoned with, either. Just gotta roll with it unfortunately.

“Seeing that such a woman dared to make up stories of Jiang FengMian right in front of them, flames bursted from within Wei WuXian, “You…”

I actually don’t have many reactions to this part because I was just screaming silently at this part and it continues throughout to the end lol.

Ahhh, Wei Wuxian was going to defend him, but then he gets hit.

“Zidian had turned into its whip form, sizzling between her hands of cold jade.”

Remember how just using Zidian around Wei Wuxian’s leg caused a burn in the early chapters? Apparently this damn whip is nothing to scoff at and a really powerful weapon, and he gets hit so many times with it, too!

you understand why she’s doing it. At the same time, you can feel that she’s not 100% reluctant to do it either and it’s kinda scary.

then you also really feel the kids’ panic. Jiang Cheng who can’t do anything to stop it, but also of course really really wants his mom to stop whipping Wei Wuxian! and Wei Wuxian who urges him to get away and not get involved so nothing happens to him, too.

it’s just a really messed up scene and ARGH

“In the past, although Madam Yu had always come at him with harsh words, she had never truly been cruel to him. The most that he’d been through were two or three strikes and being grounded.”

This little bit is important!

But it also doesn’t give a clear answer, which really gives these characters some realism.

Madam Yu, for all her yelling at him, never hurt him badly (this is exactly where Jiang Cheng gets his parenting skills from I’m dead bye). But Wei Wuxian doesn’t have negative or resentful feelings towards her even though she has never accepted him for as long as he has been there, so he is an unreliable narrator.

Then we get this scene where it seems like she has no hesitation in whipping the skin off his back with a really powerful weapon ok. What you can’t tell (since this is from Wei Wuxian’s pov) is the degree to which she means it. She could be a good actress, at the same time she could have been lenient before because of Jiang Fengmian (who always came to let Wei Wuxian out of punishment early). Or she could have been like Jiang Cheng to Jin Ling later and scream about beating him without ever actually meaning it (lol though Jiang Cheng has never hit Jin Ling, still, can you not threaten to break his leg).

We do know that she isn’t cruel enough to enjoy it, though, and there is a limit to what she deems acceptable (cutting off hands is obviously not acceptable)

“Young Master Wen is kind. He wouldn’t do something as cruel as chop off both of his legs. If only his right hand is chopped off, then he wouldn’t ever care about this again.”

see, like, this is why I’m glad we already know the outcome of these events broadly. xD

if you think about it from the characters’ perspectives, this is really fucking scary!

What! Cut off his hand? And if you don’t...? they’ll probably try to wipe out the whole sect or burn it to the ground like the Cloud Recesses!

“Jiang Cheng fought out of the arms of JinZhu and YinZhu. He crashed to his knees, hovering over Wei WuXian, “Mom, Mom, please don’t…”

oh, Jiang Cheng...I have feelings about this guy omg. no wonder he gains an inferiority complex and then as sect leader becomes a ball of Extra and anger issues who won’t stop until he catches Wei Wuxian!

He’s always second best, feels like his father doesn’t love him because of Wei Wuxian yet it’s not like he hates Wei Wuxian either. Then, through neither of their faults, Wei Wuxian is the brave one and Jiang Cheng gets to do the leg work. And when things turn serious, there is nothing he can do at all to save Wei Wuxian who he does obviously care about. for all the ‘you’re going to be the next sect leader, act like one!’ stuff, when it comes down to it there wasn’t anything he could do.

“Fabricking? What’s fabricking? And he suddenly realized, It’s abricating!”

this was nice to lighten the mood a little. only a little though.

“JinZhu, YinZhu, quick, go close the doors. Don’t let the others see the blood.”

see what I mean by ‘you can’t tell if she really means it?’ and the glory of a limited third person narrative done right: based off the description of her actions, it’s difficult to tell.

If it means saving the sect, I think she would absolutely cut off his hand, but only with a greater threat hanging over their heads. Well, this is because she sees him as a servant, of course she would never so readily, no hesitation or lack of composure, do the same to her son.

“Wei WuXian felt fear arise, Don’t tell me that she really is gonna chop off one my my hands?”

One of the times he does show fear!

However, this is where his sacrificial side which is really damn worrying comes in.

“Let it be, then! If it’s in exchange for the peace of the sect… a hand is just a hand. Fuck, if worst comes to worst I’ll just practice the left-handed sword from now on!!!”

It’s probably part of his personality somewhat to be self-sacrificing, or at least be willing to put himself in harm’s way to do good or the right thing. But it’s also highly tied to his upbringing/view of himself. As he states in the last chapter, he doesn’t see himself as Jiang Cheng’s equal. On this, he agrees with Madam Yu: he sees himself as their servant. A servant who is very close to them, yes, and super casual borderline rude, but he doesn’t see himself as Jiang Cheng’s brother.

On a subconscious level, this can really mess with you. He values his life and wellbeing, of course, as most people do. But it also allows his sacrificial nature to rear its head and for him to rationalize that it’s okay to allow himself to get hurt but not others.

Of the things that seem to get Madam Yu to stop/snap, mentioning Jiang Fengmian is one (It was all fine until he had mentioned Jiang FengMian.)

The supervision office is another.

And this is the final straw: “But seeing how obediently you followed my orders and how your personality suits my taste, I’ve still decided to give this great honor to…”

Madam Yu is a lady with a lot of pride. She endured it up to this point, kept swallowing her words, but finally she just snaps. It’s an accumulation of all the stuff that happened, not one thing in particular.

“You look at its owner before you hit a dog! You barged into my sect, and you want to punish my person in front of my face?”

Here’s the last part reveals something more about her true feelings here.

So, here we see her pride, which extends to her servants and not just the two that have been with her since she was young. She doesn’t like Wei Wuxian, she always thinks he should be disciplined more (or at least she says she does), but in the end of the day he is her servant and what right do others (especially another servant) have to punish people of her sect?

“Then let me teach you what superiority and inferiority means! I am the superior, you are the inferior!”

but, man, at the end of the day 57 chapters was worth the wait to finally get such a strong female character like Madam Yu.

This damn chapter was such an emotional rollercoaster omg.

(quotes from ExR’s translations)

← back・onward →

#gdc aka the liveblog of TEARS

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somewhatsanders · 7 years

Text

Smile! (Sanders Sides Angsty Adventures)

Hihi this is my first fic; I write angst now apparently lol Enjoy some wholesome heartbreak, buddies!! Ya know, since I wrote this at 5am, I couldn’t sleep and I felt like all around garbagio.

Please tell me what you think, if there’s anything I should change or something you want me to tag it under!!

Tw: angst, panic attacks, negative self-talk

Pairing: None, but you can interpret it as romantic if that’s what gets you jazzed

Patton was always such a happy guy, his fellow sides have no clue as to how he managed to be so positive all the time. Come rain or sunshine, the Moral facet always wore a smile on his face.

Even on a day like today when everything was just wrongwrongwrong, Patton would be there in an instant, almost as if by instinct, with a big ole smile on his face for them to lean on. It wasn’t even a question if he would always be a support system to rely on and they couldn’t be more thankful to have such a pure ray of sunshine grace their lives.

Virgil’s entire being practically vibrated from the sobs that wracked his body; he was curled up on the floor in a dark corner of his room, breathing unevenly and stuck inside his own little world where everything was a swirling cesspool of negativity. Since he could just never manage to catch a break, even in his lowest moments. his subconscious had elected this to be an appropriate time in which to remind him of his place. Virgil knew what he really was, a disorder. A mistake that people pay good money to get rid of, and Virgil couldn’t blame them. He would get rid of himself too if the roles were reversed. But self-awareness couldn’t stop the ‘pain and oh god I can’t breathe-’ His dug nails deeper into his scalp, tugging harder on his hair, and bit harder into his lower lip in order to silence his pathetic whimpering, for once in his life just wishing he could do something right and keep quiet as to avoid bothering any of the other sides. Heaven knows he caused enough problems for everyone already and he couldn’t risk projecting onto Thomas. However, these efforts only were proven counterproductive as he continued the downwards spiral to self deprecation.

Through the storm clouding his mind, Virgil barely managed to register a presence which purposefully, yet gracefully, entered the room and made his way over to the Anxious trait without making any sudden or loud movements that could startle him, sitting criss-cross on the floor. A familiar voice spoke hushed words of love and encouragement, surrounding him like a warm blanket, “I am so proud of how strong you are for getting through this, kiddo-” Patton. Virgil breathed a sigh of relief as the Fatherly trait he admired and cared about so much not that he would ever admit that out loud guided him through some breathing exercises and grounding techniques that they had previously been working on together. ‘…in for four…’ The fog was gradually beginning to clear after some time and he was slowly coming back to himself. Once his breathing had evened out and his shaking had ceased, the anxious facet could feel himself being picked up off the ground, safely cradled inside a strong pair of arms, and then gently laid onto his bed, being tucked under the covers with as much care as one would when dealing with a porcelain doll. He was numb and a little groggy, but warm inside, something he wasn’t accustom to feeling post-panic attack. He usually would be forced to ride it out until he cried himself to sleep; cold and alone. But having Patton there always did make it easier. Not good, he was never good after an attack, but better. Definitely better. Loved.Patton really was a man too good for this world, but the younger of the two didn’t have enough energy to dwell on such thoughts. Instead, he briefly felt a kiss being pressed upon his brow as he began succumbing into a deep and much-needed slumber. The only thought left on his mind being, ‘How does he manage to keep smiling?’

Logan doesn’t even want to imagine a life without Patton. That ever-present smile brought with it an air of comfort and this swelling in his chest that he originally believed to be Pericarditis the first time it happened; acting as a reminder to him that maybe not all emotions were so bad after all. Yes, he was pure Logic. Yes, he may insist that he was void of emotion- but that was simply a defense mechanism he had fabricated because deep down, Logan worried that if the others knew he could feel, he would no longer be fit to serve his purpose for Thomas. His job was to be objective, the robot. To draw rational conclusions, memorize vocabulary, facts, and formulas- despite having graduated college years ago because indeed Roman, it is utterly critical for them to remember Pythagorean Theorem, how could you be certain we will never use it again? If he were to use feelings within his decision making process; would he even be Logic anymore? Logic and feelings were mortal enemies and polar opposites, the could never work in harmony without some form of motorization, that’s why he was there to begin with, that was the reasoning for his entire existence; at least, that what he told himself. Because even though he serves as a glorified storage facility for any knowledge that Thomas has accumulated over the span of his life, he knows logically that any of the other sides could overtake his position, meaning that he would no longer serve purpose; that is if he even did already. Patton had an astoundingly larger vocabulary than most would give him credit for. Virgil himself played a part in the functions of the Lateral Frontal Pole, a section of the Frontal Lobe dedicated to reasoning, planning and decision-making. Roman, contradictory to what Logan has said before, is smart; he knows Spanish and has the mind power to create anything from a minute paper clip to something as elaborate as the Mind Palace of a dog. Logan couldn’t do any of that, he could scarcely manage to perform the functions of which he was created to do. He was letting them all down. A choir of negativity sung a melody that spoke to his deeply buried insecurities and pulled them to the surface where they could remind him of his faults and cloud his vision.

But where there is darkness, there must also be light. In his case, that light just so happened to be wearing a turquoise polo and khakis. Patton was by his side exactly when he needed him most sporting that smile that he had come to adore. Patton had no qualms with reminding him that having feelings is indeed logical and necessary for him to achieve an optimum level of functionality. Logan remembers Pythagorean Theorem because he cares about his host and wants him to succeed in life. Logan still knows the Rain Forest Rap verbatim because he is passionate about environmental conservation. Logan learns because it makes him happy. Logan is logic. Logic is driven by feelings. He is functioning exactly as he should. That angelic smile never faltered from Patton’s face as he made sure to remind Logan of these facts as much as was necessary without any form of hesitation or a single hint of annoyance to be seen. With a warm embrace that Logan pretended to not enjoy and that his companion seemed to recognize he needed regardless, Logan could finally breathe without restriction because he was important, he was logic, he was allowed to feel, and he felt happy having Patton’s smiling face to melt his ice heart. Yet, he couldn’t help himself from wondering; 'How does he manage to always keep smiling?’

Roman was distraught. Crying was not a very Princely thing to do, but he just couldn’t help himself when all his efforts to do well by Thomas and the other traits, of whom he loved dearly, always seemed to fall short. He would try to produce dreams for Thomas to chase, but they were always unrealistic and unattainable. He only managed to make things worse and set Thomas up for heart break. It was his fault that Thomas and Patton suffered so much after their breakup, because he embodied fanciful thoughts which included their hosts romantic aspirations. Roman put his all into a boy who wasn’t happy with Thomas leading to heartbreak and followed by many months of learning how to put themselves back together after. Even now, long after the end of their relationship, he found himself still fantasizing what it would be like to rekindle their former flame which he was too stupid to let slip into Thomas’s conscious mind which made the healing recovery process begin all over again. Roman had failed them. He was no Prince and he scolded himself for ever trying to villainize Virgil; because he knew the truth. It was Roman himself who was the true villain all along. He merely displaced his own self-loathing onto whomever he possibly could in order to avoid facing a reality that he is now forced to endure. A reality where the truth was that it was he who was the source of everything bad within Thomas. Who was he trying to kid himself, he is the Ego for crying out loud, the source of Thomas’s self-confidence! How is he supposed to embody the self-confidence of a man who has none? He can’t! Everyone assumed that all of Thomas’s insecurities spawned from Virgil, which isn’t wrong but also not necessarily true. The aspects of which each individual side ruled over is much more of a grey area than most seem to realize. Virgil and Logan both embody the left hemisphere of Thomas’s brain, the core of his reasoning. Both provide their own rationale to problems in which they are presented with, some of which aren’t always accompanied the most sound of reasoning Virgil. But in the case of where Roman and said Anxious Angel overlap, they share confidence and self image, or a lack there of. One of the two most assumed to be a narcissistic air-head with an ego so large you would need to buy an extra plane ticket to make room for it in your seat, but that could not be farther from the truth. In fact, as the Creativity it was indeed he himself who had come up with the idea for their 'My Body Negativity’ video.

Roman couldn’t help his bottom lip from quaking or the tears that followed, sliding down his face as he looked in the mirror, hating what he saw in the reflection. That wasn’t a Prince looking back at him, it was a failure. But as he was ready to fall apart, a lovable smile he knew and recognized all too well was right there to put him back together again. Catching him as he collapsed to the ground in despair, Patton aided Roman sin making his way to sit down on the edge of his bed, reciting a list practically the length of 'Order of the Phoenix’ counting off every fantastically wonderful thing about Roman, inside and out, until he was blushing from head to toe and giggling like a child through his depleting tears. The Prince beamed at the praise and admiration showered upon him by the oldest of the Sides. Patton never failed to surprise him with how he could brighten a room, even in the deepest, darkest, depths of the ocean. He couldn’t help himself from asking the man he loved so dearly and thought the world of, “Patton, how do you manage to always keep smiling?” Morality winked back at the Prince and replied “I’ll never tell!”, before briskly exiting the room and giggling as he made his way out.

The closer he got to his room, the giggles had drawn out into heaving sobs that shook him to the very core of his being. Patton finally manage to collapse into his bed within the isolation of his room. A place where he could cry freely without having to burden any of the others, who already had so much weighing down on their shoulder, the poor dears. Their lives were hard enough without having to worry about his stupid feelings. His hands formed fists which tugged at his hair while he curled into a ball, rocking back and forth. Alone. For when you’re always supporting and looking out for others, then who is there to support you?

He was never good enough. He never had been and he never will be. Even when trying his best to do good by Thomas and the other embodiments of his personality, he could never sufficiently do his job to keep everyone happy. He was at the core of Thomas’s cheerful feelings, shouldn’t he be able to at least manage this without ruining everything for his companions?

Useless.

Unlovable.

Incompetent.

Childish.

Irresponsible.

How can you manage to always smile when you destroy everything you touch?

In between sobs and dry heaving from becoming so choked up, Patton contrived a faint whisper for no one else to hear; “That’s the secret… I don’t.”

But what the others don’t know can’t hurt them, right?

@lilbeanblr

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thekintsukuroikid · 7 years

Photo

November 12th 2017 4:11am

Tofino is never worrying about running out of battery life, or the gas tank. Or atm service charges.

It’s is an odd place. Living on the mainland you get hit with the same cold and rain and you learn pretty early on how to shelter yourself in the rat race, to keep busy until the clouds roll through. Tofino is this weird anomalous places where people travel here for the express reason of running headlong into the rainy cold. Duh, the waves are better for surfing and storm watching. It’s weird being this close to the ocean. You’re surrounded by it here, you can hear it from the dead middle of town. It’s dark, cold and can swallow you up, and yet here we are grabbing neon coloured boards and wearing goofy rubber suits and paddling away from shore. Standing up, riding it. There’s a metaphor there somewhere I think. A really lame one. Suffice to say Tofino is the setting where I’ve always been most comfortable with entertaining feelings of optimism, they linger in my mind a little bit longer here, there aren’t a lot of things here that can take them away. And yet standing here alone on this beach I still wonder what it would be like to walk into the water and let the water I love so much fill up my lungs. To finally feel the tension unclench and release.

A girl bought me a drink and told me how happy she was that everything about this place wasn’t like home.

I agreed.

this trip was really about running away.

The band getting to create beautiful music for people to enjoy on a Saturday night, Thats pretty amazing right?

I remember how hard learning 3 chords was and thinking how weird it must be to be able to do so much more but the peak of your musical ambition is playing for my drunk ass.

—

I met a girl at the merch table. She was kind and she was pretty and in our conversation about the logistics of fitting a surfboard on a motorcycle I noticed her biting her lip…and looking at mine…and exhibiting every universal sign I could think of to express a “shut the fuck up and let’s make out already” sentiment–

“All I could do was wonder how much she’d have to know about me, to hate me as much as I do.”

This isn’t me. I’m so tired of this

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical major depression.

atleast I think thats what its called, I kinda zoned out when I hear it.

I’ve known that somethings been wrong forever but I’ve never had it named by someone else before. I’ve never been in a position where I could go out and really do that. I’ve been getting help for months but this weekend was the first time I’ve been able to process it all. 2 doctor’s a therapist and a councillor. 4 different opinions. The same mdi-10 depression index score. How it works is, 20 is dysthemia or mild depression and 25+ is no bueno moderate depression. 30+ is major depression. I figured I’d be around 18-19 with my shiny psych degree and my practicing of mindfullness and understanding of CBT and readings of Dr. Marsha Linehan and Brené Brown.–-

I got a fucking 38.

Of all the fucking tests to ace I sure know how to pick em lol.

Talk therapy’s helped narrowed it down, where In reality I’ve likely been dealing with this for over a decade. I could have and likely should have gotten help when I was in early highschool/late middle school. The fact that I’ve never been on medication pretty deeply concerns my therapist. I still don’t know if I want the pills, I stare at the prescription sometimes and wonder what the sweet fuck I’m going to do. It’s hard to plan things in a pros and con’s type of scenario with brain altering chemicals, like its not like theres a frame of reference or anything. I’ve always been getting by with habits and discipline. Reading ahead, doing homework early in case I sleep through my classes again. Never letting anyone get close enough to be in a position to judge you. Never be vulnerable. You’re not cool enough to have baggage.

It’s not like I’m like this all of the time. I have good days, mostly when I’m around other people, even strangers. It’s when I’m by myself for too long that it starts to creep into my mind, a little voice getting progressively louder and more persuasive. I Have fun by remembering what it’s supposed to feel like and selling it to everyone who can see me. This isn’t the stereotypical 3am negative thoughts, I mean those happen too but its more like 3pm, in the middle of my group of friends laughing, just getting hit with this whole body feeling of dread and trying to crack a joke anyway. I then follow this with sullen, silent car rides home or 45 minutes sitting on the shower floor wondering if I’ll always feel this numb?

That’s the worst part…the numbness of it all. Losing hours in the day to this thing that I can’t even really describe. I never get mad or sad or happy just attenuated, dulled versions of these emotions. I’m scared of heights, like really fucking scared of heights but I learned to rock climb because fear hits me in such a meaningless way now. This is such a weirdly strong biological component. I feel like I can never move forward to create myself because I’m always looking back, trying to get back to how I used to feel. That’s the one thing I know is missing, that sense of self that guides my decision making. I’ve never been able to go with my gut, the kind of spontaneity and passion and creativity that comes with that, Instead Its always minimize the damage, lower the risk. I feel inadequate in every measurable and measurable way, to the point of it being physically crippling.

I’ve been really fucking good at hiding this. Its the thing I’m honestly the most proud of, which is a bit counterintuitive. It’s allowed me to flip something that feels so intrinsically selfish and allowed me to keep focus on the people that are important to me. It’s allowed me to learn some really important lessons about friendships and relationships, coping and empathy, all without the vulnerability of facing those things head on. Depression to me, at least the way that i’m doing it (which I know is the wrong way to think about it) is this selfishness I don’t want to indulge.

There is massive guilt with this. I have so much. I have taken so much time, love, energy, money from the people in my life and I feel like I am and I have so little to show for it. That I am a highlight in every worst way, of the differences between what is good and what is just nice. but the thing is I’m starting to realize that this thing, this depression thing it couldn’t give less of a shit about how you rationalize it, its taken better people than me, I’ve seen it first hand.

For me this thing hits two-fold. Its the physicality of these symptoms I can no longer ignore or fight through. Messed up eating schedules, sleeping too much or too little, missing classes, being late to events or appointments and just constantly feeling zoned out, in a daze.

On the mental side of it, its been management. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time and my diminishing ability for me to manage these mental health symptoms means that I feel increasingly less equipped to take on this complete feeling of stagnation. This shit takes work. It’s like im trying to carry a weight with broken arms and no cast. It’s a feeling that even if I had an opportunity, job or otherwise, I lack the tools and the self belief to actually be and do what I want. It is such a weird sensation to feel the slide from wondering how to make it by 30…to wondering about making it to 30.

I Try to work hard to be grateful and find the joy in things. I spend my days trying to bridge the gap between the humility of recognizing this reality, with the ego of thinking I deserve better. I mean maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe some people just spiral. I hope that isn’t me, I don’t want to see how far this rabbit hole goes, I don’t want to become what its trying to make me become, I think thats why I work so hard to keep being extraverted. I try to be around my friends, especially if I know that they have it a lot worse or are facing a difficulty. Being empathetic to what they’re dealing with makes you feel like a bit of a daft jerk for dwelling your own bullshit. That used to keep things quiet long enough. Then again you don’t win a fight by closing your eyes.

—

I went to the bar in Tofino where I bought my first legal drink and I thought about all the drinks I’ve had since then. I got hit with this really intense feeling of dread. Not that I had wasted all that time in those 5 years, Worse still, That I’ve never truly had the ability to truly appreciate all the amazing things that have happened since then.

Even if I couldn’t feel it I wanted to do the logical work towards getting out of this. I learned really early on to focus not on building a resume but on building a eulogy. To live a life well lived. To do things not for the spoils but for the man I’d become in the pursuit.

In the 5 year since I’ve been back to Tofino, I’ve hated that man. I still hate him. I am so much of what I told myself I’d never be: alone, weak, and of little consequence. I’ve tried everything to fix that man and I still can’t explain where that process went wrong. I’ve tried to surround myself with people who I love. But never letting them get close enough love me because of a combination of never feeling like I deserved it and never wanting to be burned or betrayed for being vulnerable.

I don’t know if I can really get better I don’t really know what better is. But trying has to be better than this. Thats the funniest bit about this, I don’t even think I can really imagine what better would be like, what the absence of all this would feel like.

I just know that there is more than this…that maybe I can be more than this.

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin,

I want to make all of this mean something. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I just know that I could set myself on fire to keep others warm. If I couldn’t feel wanted, or that I deserved to be wanted I could at least make people comfortable. I never knew there was a difference between happiness and the distraction from sadness. I would just connect to benevolence. I’d try volunteering, donating time and money partly because I enjoy those things, but deep down in a small way it was also an attempt to try reconciling the diminishing potential I felt. If I kept doing the right things, things would turn around, that I could out work this thing I was fighting. It was all just heading to nowhere, I realized I could get hit by a car tomorrow and nobody would know this truth about me, the uphill clawing. I think now I want to turn this pain into something tangible for myself and others.If this is rock bottom I want to look around, I want to carve my name in the rock beneath my feet and remember what this feels like. I never want to know it first hand again. Maybe this is that first step. Who the hell can see forever but maybe I can just win tomorrow.

— This is the most I’ve ever written about myself and it’s a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever wanted to. Hell it’s the most I’ve ever thought of myself and part of me feels like this sounds really self obsessed. But I think, at least I hope, it’s just a self awareness that comes from no longer seeing the contrasts in life.

If you are reading this it means that 1) you’ve found this randomly, and in which case… “sup?” or 2) you are one of the maybe 4 people I genuinely trust to tell this too without fear of being treated differently after doing it. If it is option 2…Surprise? I’ve worked extremely hard to make sure you couldn’t have seen this coming. It also means that you’ve shown me love implicitly in such a way that removes so much doubt, I hope you know how powerful and beautiful that is.

I don’t know man I think this is all really just about wanting to feel that oneness with myself again, to finally find peace one day. I don’t have to live, I get to, and I want too. The world is abhorrently beautiful man. daunting, ridiculous, backbreaking and gorgeous. I want to feel all of it, I want to find my place in it and I can’t do it alone. Not anymore.

Happy Birthday to me. ayeee.

#depression.#happy birthday #35mm #nikon #photography #photoessay #technicially #ironandwinereferences #lost in my mind

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datbidaria-blog · 7 years

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week 3 of classes

eeeeeeeeep ya girl is back to the journal lifestyle

so its been a minute. let’s see.... i came back to boston and started classes and today is the monday of the third week.

its been an interesting ride so far. i am proud at my increased emotional resiliency. and what i mean by that is, some situations have occurred that i know would have really hurt old sarah deep in her core. i’ve only cried a couple times since the semester has started and both those times it was a quick lil sob and i was back to bigger things. i’ve been thinking big lately. like purpose but not career-wise, like existence wise. like why was i created, i didn’t ask to be here. i was crying and walking back to my apartment after some fuck shit happened and subhanAllah, my place is in the direction of the sunset, so i was walking towards a purple and pink paradise looking sky and it put everything into perspective in that 1 second. walking towards the sunset in that moment was big for me because i felt like i was leaving behind/literally walking away from earthly troubles and chasing a pink and purple heaven in the sky.

that night i realized life is so short. the world is so big. these are really general statements, but the last 2 weeks have made me think about how crazy it is that we allow fear and anxiety to dictate our actions and limit our lives, when really we only have each moment once. so in each moment, why not be fully authentic and fully unapologetic? its easier said than done but i’m glad i have this reminder with me always. no matter how much something makes me sad or how much something makes me scared its all temporary. i’m going to die one day, relatively soon, and all i have right now is myself. i’m tryna figure out all the spiritual shit and all the relationship shit but for now i have myself and my best friends and my family and god.

another big moment for me was a conversation i had with antonio about life and god and religion. we were talking about an idea he has for a movie script he’s working on and it brought up a lot of questions about the existence of god and what the ‘right’ way to live is. we talked about religious communities and how counterproductive and hypocritical they are sometimes when they enforce shame on people who don’t practice the same way they do or the way they think is right. antonio made a point that the whole purpose of all of this religion shit and this god stuff is to love one another and spread kindness and understanding and all that mushy gushy core values stuff at the heart of every religion and that at the end of the day the whole thing is very personal and very between person X and their creator, whoever they interpret them to be. he also said that when people shame/judge/ostracize each other its going against the core value/principle of love that religions preach and pushes people away from the whole thing altogether. god’s light is countered by shame and judgement on this earth. in my opinion.

speaking of shame, another interesting and pivotal experience i had was watching avatar, the last airbender with some friends. the episode they chose was that one when ang goes to that special guru who helps him unblock his chakras so he can fully control switching between the avatar and normal state. that was an incredibly fitting episode to watch because afterwards i felt such a spiritual high. i felt really connected with what the guru was saying, i felt like i was watching a scripture/spiritual text in anime form. i loved it so much, the next day i watched the youtube video and took notes:

once you open your chakras, you will have complete control and awareness of all your actions.

1. earth chakra - base of the spine

survival, blocked by fear what are you most afraid of? let your fears become clear. you are concerned for your survival but you must surrender those fears. let your fears flow down the creek.

2. water chakra

pleasure, blocked by guilt what do you blame yourself for? accept the reality that these things happened but do not let them cloud and poison your energy. if you are to be a positive influence on the world you need to forgive yourself.

3. fire chakra - stomach

willpower, blocked by shame what are you ashamed of? what are your biggest disappointments in yourself? you will never find balance if you deny this part of your life. you are the avatar and therefore you are a fire bender.

4. love chakra - heart

love, blocked by grief lay all your grief out in front of you. you have indeed felt a great loss, but love is a form of energy and it swirls all around us. The Air Nomads’ (your ancestors’) love for you has not left this world, it is still inside of your heart and is reborn in the form of new love. Let the pain flow away.

5. sound chakra - throat

truth, blocked by lies the lies we tell ourselves. you cannot lie about your own nature, you must accept that you are the avatar.

6. light chakra - center of the forehead

insight, blocked by illusion the greatest illusion of this world is the illusion of separation. things you think are separate and different are actually one and the same. like the 4 nations, we are all one people but we live as if divided. we’re all connected, everything is connected. even the separation of the four elements is an illusion.

7. thought chakra - crown of the head

pure cosmic energy, blocked by earthly attachment mediate on what attached you to this world. now let all of those attachments go, let them flow down the river, forgotten. you must learn to let go.

living in this new place has been beautiful, its been a shit ton of work but its been so rewarding and has become such a home! i never want to leave anymore, i always want to be in my apartment lol

here’s a gem i just found in my notes from the last 3 weeks: “Most people assume that they suffer because of the negative aspects of themselves. But the real reason they suffer is because they avoid those negative aspects of themselves, not the fact they have them.”

last note: i am practicing unconditional love. i read a mark manson article about conditional relationships and how we only accept people if they benefit us in some way, so with my current relationships and friendships (everyone including family), i want to not base my love for them on anything other than that: love. love me, i’ll love you. even if you don’t love me, i’ll still love you, just from afar because i’m trying to protect my peace.

also, i have an appointment with a therapist after tomorrow!! i’m so excited, we’ll see how it goes.

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