#posting so i can forget it exists and no longer see it in drafts
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can i ask how youre able to make so many comics or if you have any tips for aspiring internet funny comic makers? your gag comics are always so creative and funny and well-executed, and your longer form stuff is just a delight to read, i would love to know if u have any advice/insight into yr process
I'm not good at advice so you will have to bear with me here. Also I'm putting it under a readmore cause images make it into a long post. The like first 3/4th of this I talk about specific comics I did, but if you scroll to the end I tried to give some general advice.
My stuff is unfortunately very inspiration-based as opposed to planning-based. So my process might not be helpful if you're looking for something structured... The first thing I should say is I write down basically anything that pops into my head ever. I have a bunch of nonsensical tumblr drafts,
I have stuff in my phones notes app,
I have pages and pages of papers and post-it notes littering my apartment (if you want to know the extent, my sister asked me how I could live with my apartment being so "messy". The only messy thing in it is my papers scattered about). I find the paper stuff the best, because I can draw instead of just writing down concepts.
This is the page I did for the comic about Stan "comforting" Dipper over his unrequited crush on Wendy. (The tumblr version being here)
You will notice aside from the order on the page being strange and some scratched out dialogue, there's not really evidence of a 'plan' here. That's because I was just drawing this as I was thinking it. You will also notice there are two random unrelated Ford drawings in the middle of the page. That's because I was drawing ANYTHING that I was thinking of.
And when I say write down anything, I do mean it. Write down something you did that week, something you remember from when you were 8, something you said out loud and laughed at, things you thought about in the shower, a fact you learned, what your friend had for dinner. See if you can apply it to something. I've mentioned before that this comic only exists because I ran out of toilet paper and went to buy a large bulk pack of it...
When I already have a base idea and just want to expand on it, I usually draw first ask questions later, and things seem to just snowball into being a story. As an example, for the comic I did about Dipper's swimsuit, the base idea was just "Dipper and Stan both wear fully covering swimwear - because they're trans and its what they're comfortable with." But when I went to look up what Dipper wore to the pool, i noticed mabel had a Star one piece suit
Dipper has a star hat in the first episode that he loses, right? SO why don't we give him a matching star one piece that he abandons.
Of course then that single drawing CREATES the story, because we have to explain how he eventually ends up in what he's wearing in the episode. And then I just draw and draw and draw until either the comic ends or I can't continue for whatever reason. The outline for the full thing usually forms while I'm drawing. If I'm worried about forgetting, I'll write down what comes next.
Some of this stuff I didn't stick to, or greatly expanded upon. It's good to be flexible with what you're doing. If something you originally intended only to be a throwaway bit inspires you, roll with it and keep going. (If it ends up being nothing, you can always discard it or turn it into something else later anyway)
I did the swimsuit one basically fully on my computer, but if you want to see another paper based one, a lot of the comic with the kid stans and crampelter I'm doing currently is down on paper.
If you can make out my writing, you can see it says "Crampelter has found out about Stan and Ford's boxing identities" at the top there, which was the general main idea of this part of the comic. This one was a lot more planned than the dipper swimsuit one. There's multiple pages of this sort of stuff, and I knew the idea I wanted was "If Ford and Stan are trans, why would they still be called those names as kids?" (So I guess the takeaway from this one is if you're wanting a structured comic, write down the main idea on the top of a page and brainstorm dialogue and drawings on it?)
There's a lot of sort of floating heads with dialogue, all that matters is I get the emotions or general idea drawn. They're important for me to draw out because being able to "see" the scene (even if I'm seeing it heavily unfinished) is what usually inspires the next bit of the comic.
And I know I talked like a lot already but some general other advice:
Draw, ask questions about what you've drawn, draw more to answer the questions, see if those new drawings ask any new questions, continue this process till you come to a satisfying resolution.
It's fine to not draw something immediately after you've thought of it. I have a lot of things I've just squirreled away for later. And in the same vein its okay to drag something old up that you've never used and try to work with it.
I almost always put on music while I'm trying to think of things. Something I feel fits the mood of what I'm doing tonally. And then I usually just put the same song on repeat, though some people im sure would feel like that is psychological torture. But its helpful to me.
This might sound silly if you're someone who leaves the house a societally normal amount, but I try to go out into the world and do things so I get new ideas and experiences I can build on. Sometimes those things are literally just "go to the park", but sometimes it's venturing out somewhere several hours away or doing an activity i'd never care to do normally... I try to take note of anything that stood out to me and write down thoughts or feelings I had during.
When it comes to trying to be "funny", you should try to make yourself laugh first. Not only because you want your comics to bring yourself joy, but also because its just hard to make stuff you don't care about (And harder to be consistent about it). Though if you think of something and you don't really think its funny, you don't have to throw it away! You might be surprised what other people end up liking. So don't kill yourself to write jokes you yourself don't really get, but if your brain spits out something on its own you dont care much for, it still may be gold to someone else.
It's okay to make comics about simple and relatable things. People love relating. And depending on what you're writing about, that relatability may be really needed!
Everyone has something of value to say. Even if you yourself don't feel like the things you're saying matter, or that they're too silly or un-serious to matter. They matter.
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I'm going to be obnoxious and presumptuous and tell everyone how to live their lives because I feel like the Cyberpunk 2077 fandom* has an endemic problem with this self-imposed expectation to post new ~*content*~ on a regular basis that is just not sustainable for like 95% of us. And as someone who has also, unfortunately, grappled with that anxiety even though I know it's silly, I feel compelled to tell everyone (myself included) to stop doing that to themselves and slow the fuck down.
(*Probably other fandoms, too--I have many, many Thoughts™ on how ~*content creator*~ culture has had detrimental effects on fandom on the whole, but that's a broader topic for another time.)
Participating in fandom is a hobby, not a grind. No one is going to be upset with you for letting your queue run out or missing a themed day. Nobody expects anyone to have multiple original posts on a daily basis. Your friends aren't going to forget you if you need to take a break. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty or stressed because a real-life obligation has to take priority over a hobby.
Recognize the ebb and flow of your creativity so you don't burn yourself out. Give yourself the time and space to work on long projects and learn new skills, even if that can't come with regular updates. Let yourself be in the moment while you create. Savor your art--Stop asking yourself "What do I post next?" immediately after you finish a project. Take pride and joy in the work you've already made without wondering how you can make your next post even better.
Understand your limitations and accept that others might not have the same limitations you have. Someone who is single and unemployed is going to have more time to dedicate to learning virtual photography than someone with a family and a full-time job. Someone with chronic fatigue is going to have a harder time churning out fic than someone without that condition. Don't compare your output to someone else's. We all have different creative processes, different backgrounds and skills, and different demands on our time and energy.
What works for me to break out of this mindset might not work for everyone, but these are the 3 main things I find helpful to keep me from succumbing to the darkness:
Intentionally break a streak
Have you been posting every single Thirsty Thursday for the past 6 months but are having a hard time keeping up currently and feeling stressed about breaking the streak? BREAK IT. Skip one. Even if you have a post, schedule it for the following week. It'll feel wrong at first, but on Friday you'll realize it didn't matter, your friends are still here, and you will no longer be beholden to this inconsequential posting requirement that exists only in your head.
Revisit old posts/drafts/WIPs/outtakes
Go through your old stuff! Let yourself enjoy what you made in the past. Reblog it so new friends and followers can see it. Remember what it was like to work on it and the sense of accomplishment when you finished it and what you learned from it. You might even get a bonus and find yourself inspired to revisit an idea or create a new take on it.
It's an obnoxious cliche at this point, but yes: touch grass
Online fandom spaces have been a cornerstone of my social and creative circles for over two decades, so I am not by any means suggesting that there is no value in spending a lot of time here. But you absolutely need to take breaks from your devices and reconnect with the physical world or you will go nuts. Go for a walk, spend a day outside with friends or your pets, pick up a tangible craft like coloring books or journaling--Just find something to get you away from your computer and phone.
tl;dr - Creating in fandom should be fun and enjoyable and a reprieve from all of this shit, not an extension of it. There's absolutely no reason to put this burden on yourself to be some superfan posting new work 37 times a week. If you're in the zone and you've got that flow, roll with it, of course, but don't feel like it always has to be like that because it won't be. And that is completely fine.
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I have debated the wisdom of posting these first draft things but I have since decided this is okay. Most of them will be altered dramatically before they are posted For Reals; some may never be part of the main story at all. Furthermore, I am going to do everything I can to finish Only Man's draft completely before I let it rest.
What is very, very cool about this hyperfixation is that, because it is so big in scope, and because each part is so dramatically different from the others, every time my interest flags in one section, all I have to do is run to a different one. I'm starting to wonder if I have found an artificial way to extend hyperfixation. If A Summer for Saya had a sister story, do you think I could have extended it in the same way, perhaps saving it and myself...?
See, one of my major problems is forgetfulness. When I'm not thinking of a story, it is completely gone. It might as well not exist at all. On the other hand, when I am aware of something, I'm fully aware of it, and it feels completely alive in an enormously complex way. It's like I'm an animistic god: I'm in everything and everything is in me. I'm the kid with that rug printed with images of a town and streets--the kind you run little Hot Wheels on--and I can see the whole thing, beginning to end and back again. Although I can only ever view one place at one time, I'm aware of most of the moving parts and have memorized where and when Character A will end up at Point X.
I am also constantly trying to comprehend it in all its fullness and complexity--all the characters bouncing around, all the events, the environment they occupy, and so on. I'll play it out fully in my head while on the bus, then back up and play it again, this time with minor differences, or I'll run one scene over and over and over, altering it dramatically, until Instance 1 is completely alien to Instance 235. It's not like I don't drop plot threads along the way--this is why I write everything down--but having a constant view of the big picture also makes it simple to pick those dropped threads back up.
Unfortunately, this is to the detriment of literally everything else. What's for supper? I don't know, but Character 5 just got shot in the face. Here's the kind of gun they were shot with and how it looked to all of the people in the crowd. Here's what the street looked like and what methods and materials they used to build it. Here's how far this street is from their house (by foot, by tram, by bike...). Here's what businesses were lining the street and there's Character 5's old flame, white-faced as they watch helplessly from the alley.
Boy I sure am hungry. Why am I so hungry------
Another downside is that if I ever leave this world, it's like it dies completely. When I return, my vision of it is completely different from the one I had before. That's partially because I'm a different person with different concerns and mostly because two hyperfixations cannot exist in the same place at the same time--one inevitably scrubs the other. I also have to relearn my passion for it, which takes the longest time of all.
I have been trying a multitude of different new methods to make sure that I don't forget what I was working on or aiming toward, as well as prompts that will hopefully get future me salivating. I do feel tired right now, and I keep thinking this hyperfixation will die, but every time I relax, it just blows up again. I may be able to keep this thing on longer than I think.
As long as it allows me to finish this draft... I'm golden.
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Through thick and thin
Pairing: Kim Junseo x reader.
Summary: Everything you needed was right infront of you but you were too blind to see.
Content warning: angst (a little sad but comforting moment), open ending(?)
Author note: This has been sitting in my drafts for a while now but I’m finally posting. I actually like how this came out and I hope you like it too!
Life wasn’t easy lately and even though you try your best to pull through every obstacle you can’t lie about how tiring and draining it is. It’s like every time things seem to get better they actually get worse and somehow you have to find strength to not crumble and let all your problems take over you.
In situations like this you tend to isolate yourself, wanting to deal with your hardships on your own. Which you believe it works for you most times but when it’s too much you want a shoulder to cry on, even if you don’t have the guts to ask for help. Luckly for you, you already found someone who knows you better than you know yourself. As soon as he realises your mood changes, either in person or by text, he always knows what to do. He knows you don’t like talking about it and that you don’t want him to carry your burdens, even though he wants to. He wants to help you more than anything in the world, be there for you in every moment, good or bad.
Best friends are a relief to have, but when feelings start to get complicated it becomes stressful. Junseo wants to be honest and let you know how he feels but he knows you have too much on your plate, so he always holds it in. He planned on confessing a few weeks back but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it. You were completly unaware such feelings existed since everything was blurry and you’ve been living in auto pilot pretty much. So unaware that you didn’t have time to process the fact that such feelings were mutual. The amount of times you call him a week is almost like you guys are already a thing, you rely on him for everything, studying, keeping you company, when something breaks, when you can’t sleep and most of all when you can’t hold the pain anymore.
Today was just another boring, dreadful day, both of you met at his house so you could study for your next exam. But none of you were actually focused on your work. He was wondering how you were doing since he’s been worried sick and you were in your head asking yourself if taking time to study was actually going to help you. A few minutes passed and both of you grew tired of such a suffocating environment making you close your notebooks at the same time.He spoke first.
Junseo: So how have you been doing? You haven’t called in a while I’m surprised ahah.
Y/N: Very funny ahah I’ve been doing fine I guess, I can’t really focus on anything but what’s new.
He knew this small talk wasn’t going to go anywhere so he decided to adress the elephant in the room, the timing wasn’t right but he couldn’t wait any longer.
Junseo: Can I tell you something?
Y/N: If you’re asking it has to be serious ahah go ahead.
Junseo: So you know that time I prepared a picnic for us in your backyard, or the time I bought us tickets to see your favourite artist or even a week ago when we pulled an all nighter cause you couldn’t sleep??
Y/N: Of course I do how could I forget it, you’re the bestest of friends.
Junseo: That’s what you think of me?
Y/N: What do you mean?
Junseo: I think of you as my best friend too but lately I can’t lie I feel more than that. Every time you call me even if it’s because you’re sad part of me is happy you chose me. When we part ways after a full day together it hurts that I can’t just kiss you like I truly desire. I know I’m probably being selfish by telling you this now since you have so much going on but I can’t hide it anymore.
After hearing such words you were in shock, how could you not register how you felt torwards him all this time, you’ve been so busy trying to prepare for the next bad thing, when you had someone that loved you more than you knew willing to ease every pain you had. He felt selfish for telling you this now but you felt selfish for not recognizing him and his efforts.
He was looking down to his hands waiting for some kind of reaction from you, he though he screwed up, that you were uncomfortable and wanted to leave. While his mind was racing yours was slowing down, the only thing that truly mattered in this moment was how patient, considerate, helpful and loving he’s been to you. You really don’t know what you would do without him.
After what felt like days to junseo, you decided to grab both his hands in a reassuring action before you explained how you felt.
Y/N: I don’t think you’re being selfish, you actually did more good than you know. You made me stop and listen to my heart for once, my brain has been so loud it drowned everything else. I’m so sorry I have been stressed every time i come to you lately you don’t have to carry my problems for me and the last thing I want is for you to worry about me.
He was staring straight into your eyes, listening carefully to everything that came out of your mouth. The look of expectance and hope he carried in his beautiful eyes almost made you trip on your words.
Y/N: I like you too I was just too busy about everything that was going on that I forgot to check on my feelings and my relationships in general. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel ignored or not loved I promise from now on I’ll repay you for everything you’ve done for me.
He sighed of relief after getting confirmation on how you felt, it made him much more at ease and his hands were no longer tense like when you grabbed them. It took him a few moments to say something since he was processing everything you said.
Junseo: I don’t want you to ever think you hurt me in some way because you didn’t, I held off on telling you this for so long because part of me was scared but it was my decision. And of course I’m going to worry about you, the all nighters we pull together are very easy because od the ones I pull on my own and I don’t want you to ever feel guilty about it. I like and I wouldn’t change it because as much as it ruins my sleep schedule, the knowing I’m here for you and that you feel calmer when you sit next to me on exam day, the seeing you smile when i bring you your favourite snack all of that makes up for not so good things.
At this point you were both teary eyed, not believing that this was all that needed to happen for you both to be able to relax for a long time now, no more weight on your shoulders or nervousness when meeting together. Things were falling in it’s place along with all the fears and wories you both carried.
You broke down faster than he did because even though he told you othing was your fault it still felt like it was to you, and it’s not like you blame him because you have been out of it for the past couple of weeks.
He got up to kneel on the side of your chair, finding your hands and pulling them in his direction intencionally making your entire body turn to face him. The silence wasn’t awkward, it was conforting almost like you were both bonding through it. You decided to kneel down as well infront of him, wanting to be at eye level with him. You noticed he had some tears streaming down his smooth cheeks, you put your now free hands on his face to clean the tears but also caress him and show him you’re here for him like all the times he was here for you.
#wei#Junseo wei#junseo#wei scenarios#wei imagines#wei oneshots#wei fanfic#wei fluff#junseo fluff#junseo oneshots#junseo imagines#junseo scenarios#kim junseo#chaeinedup#wei masterlist
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Can you tell us what others 2doc's dynamic ships come to your mind? Jsjsj
...I don't know if you want to open this door, anon, lmao. I think I used the wrong term when I said "ship." I'm going to share a non-exhaustive (I'm not going to get too spicy atm) list here, but I also want to clarify that I don't really ship any of these, and in some cases, idt some of this media has a fandom with active ships anyway. Instead, think of this as a list of potential 2Doc AUs that have likely never been done before (I've certainly given consideration to all of them lmao). In general, the 2Doc dynamic, or a version of the 2Doc dynamic, exists in a lot of media. If you watch any of these, and come out supporting a ship, then I support you! But you can think of these in a platonic sense as well. This post will also be long because I talk a lot, and I wanted to find Youtube clips.
Succession: I've talked ad nauseam on this blog about TomGreg (Tom = Murdoc, Greg = 2D), and while I don't want to repeat myself, I couldn't make this post in good conscious without including them. This is quintessential 2Doc if canon ever gave 2Doc the development it deserved. In fact, I have a half-completed draft still sitting around that highlights every parallel. Here is a longer post where I begin to talk about some similarities. I love Succession on its own, but it is also home to so many of my personal Murdoc hcs. I owe it my life.
While we're here, I'd also add an honorable mention to TomShiv (Tom = 2D, Shiv = Murdoc) with the way she hurts him over and over and he keeps coming back to her, and the way they hate each other by the end of the series, but also realize they can't live without one another. This is the abridged version, but I'm trying not to make this so ridiculously long. I can go into more detail if anyone wants me to. Anyhow, here is a TomGreg clip. There are literally so many compilations on Youtube, but this is one of the more iconic scenes, imo, and it should gets it's chance to shine.
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The Lighthouse: This comparison should be relatively familiar to 2Doc fans, I believe? I knew about this movie before it was cool, though, because I love Robert Eggers as a director. He managed to unintentionally write an amazing PB - two men, trapped on an island together slowly lose their minds. Fun for any ship, tbh! But PB and 2Doc similarities are undeniable. This portrayal will be more appealing to those who enjoy earlier 2Doc (P1-3), though Robert Pattinson's character has both flaws and a backbone, and I like to think of 2D this way as well. Willem Dafoe's character also gets his comeuppance. Tbh, this is my PB.
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Seven Days in Hell: 2Doc tennis AU? A strange combination to consider. I forget why I watched this years ago. I think I was still coming out of the GOT fandom and wanted to watch some of the casts' new project. Anyhow, this may be appealing to fans of the 2Doc as bitter rivals/enemies. Kit Harrington's character reminds me of 2D SO much lmao. And Andy Samberg's character is very Murdoc.Fair warning, I believe this has a bad ending, but I remember liking it. There are also probably some problematic elements I'm forgetting to mention, but we're also talking about 2Doc here. Indubitably.
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Whatever is going on with these guys aka The Climb: Okay, I'll be honest, I never actually watched this movie. The trailer played while I was at the theater to see a different movie. However, it stuck out to me for it's depiction of a "toxic friendship," enough that I posted about it on this blog years ago. That's actually the only way I remembered it. I was browsing through my video history looking for my Taylor Swift AMV and stumbled upon the original post. I thought, "wtf is that, and why did I post it?" And it was because of 2Doc. And idk, it doesn't look that bad! I enjoy little indie movies like this.
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Glee: Listen. Or don't. I'm going to attempt to outline the main points of my argument in a short paragraph. Rachel Berry is ruthless in pursuit of her ultimate goal of becoming a Broadway star and will happily sacrifice friendships, others' successes and safety (she once sent a student she viewed as competition to crack house to dissuade them from joining Glee Club so she could have less competition for solos) etc to achieve it. Finn is kind of dumb, tall but nonetheless popular. In the early season, Rachel fixates on him and it creeps him out. Visually, their heights are similar to 2D and Murdoc. While, as many know, the show starts to flop quality wise in season 2, the 2Doc dynamic is there, though obviously not nearly as unhealthy as Gorillaz 2Doc. But this was that fandom I came from prior to following Gorillaz! And I thought back to Finn's characterization quite a bit while writing 2D in The Answer.
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Okay, so that's six to start off. I'm happy to defend my choices so far kskalds. Or if you, or anyone else, has any ship platonic or otherwise that you want to add, feel free to do so!
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i read your wips intro/masterpost, they all look super cool (!!!) but the status sections look like they haven’t been updated in awhile—any updates?
first of all, THANK YOU!!! means a lot whenever anyone checks out my posts! i have a tendency to forget this blog exists, which i can only blame partially on my being in school; i'm part of a thriving community of writing discord servers, and so i've gotten into the habit of sharing more writing there than here. also, from the bottom of my heart, i never have any idea what to post. so thank you x2 for asking for an update, because i can certainly do that!
in the order of the intro post, shall we? (which i have now updated, because it was bothering me.)
The Mortal Realm & Quark: "starting second draft summer 2021," he said (about the first). so that was a fucking lie. summer 2021 i spent working at a children's summer camp, which, while i love kids, sapped my sickly-victorian-boy strength like tuberculosis. and then i went off to college! so quark didn't happen in the fall, either.
both of these are on indefinite hiatus for now, but not shelved! as my oldest long-running projects and the ones that saw me through some specific parts of my life, they're very important to me, and i think about the characters and plots frequently. that said, i've grown a lot since i began each one, so some of my old plans no longer align with the sort of things i like to write now... both are probably due for a rehaul, and as i'm focused on other projects atm, i'm not sure when that will be! but they idle in the back of my brain like screensavers.
A Modern Tragedy: the scripts for AMT are entirely finished! (barring the intermission episode i never wrote, i suppose.) i wrote the last words and immediately encountered some issues, namely: i know how to write, but not how to record and produce a podcast. plus, a podcast-enjoying friend of mine who read the scripts pointed out that honestly, AMT has too many characters to work as an audio drama; i have written a TV show in audio form. and speaking of things i know how to do less than producing a podcast--producing a TV show. so at present i sort of just... have this. sitting on my computer. i've half a mind to just post the scripts on this blog; if you're interested in seeing them... you can certainly shoot me a dm.
darkling: this behemoth is fully drafted, goddamn it, and i did do a round of beta readers over summer 2021. that said, this thing scares me. i am far better at drafting than i am at editing, and approaching a 200,000 word book (yes. i know. i know) to rip the seams out and kick that word count into shape intimidates me. i think perhaps we should all be very mean to me until i acquiesce to sniffing the draft through the bathroom door (??? <- will being mean to me work? unclear)
Valentine van Velt is Dead: oh now this is ridiculous; have i really not updated the intro post in over a year? i suppose not. valentine van velt is out! i posted the book in full in google doc, pdf, and epub forms; you can read it right now today!
love, h: finally something on the intro post is true. this is still in brainstorming mode, less because i haven't figured it out and more because i need to enter another intense hamlet phase to be able to write it properly. it'll happen.
godsong: ah, and we approach the reason the rest of these projects haven't gotten done. my silly little lesbian aeneid is eating my brain. in the past year and a half, i have 1. plotted an entire trilogy 2. written a book and a half 3. spiraled into related AUs for literally over a hundred words. the problem with writing a project that combines multiple hyperfixations is that it will crawl into your brainstem and never ever ever ever leave you alone. ever.
...which is to say that i've written a godsong! i've completed a first draft of the first book and i'm currently drafting the second; i've learned that editing scares me and bogs me down, so i'm riding this hyperfocus as far as it'll take me before i do a beta-reading round. this may come as a shock, because i've posted very little about godsong compared to my other projects, and again, this is because i have no idea what to post. every now and then i get frightened about posting real excerpts, in case it somehow fucks me up copyright-wise. this is a largely irrational fear that i have anyhow. i'm dicking around trying to make character moodboards for intro posts, but i keep running into the moral quandary of whether i can knowingly use unsourced pinterest images, like, morally. unrelated, yeah i do have OCD, how did you know?
thank you for asking after my projects, anon! ^_^ this was a very nice ask to receive and it reminds me i really ought to post here more often... if i ever scrounge up enough pictures from fucking unsplash, we'll see about those intros. if anyone has questions, opinions, or suggestions for future maxblog activities, feel free to shoot me an ask!
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Saw a post talking about how you're never too young for a disability or illness or to need a mobility aid and we wanted to talk about our experiences. (It got longer than I was planning. I have more I could say but I managed to fuck up my thumb typing this on my phone and I know if I save this as a draft I'll forget it exists).
We were 8ish the first time we fainted. Nothing was thought of it or done. We fainted twice more between then and when we were 14 and fainted at summer camp. I have a feeling that if it hadn't happened at camp in front of a bunch of adults (who are mandated reporters) that my parents still wouldn't have done anything about it.
Following that time at camp our parents brought us to a bunch of doctors and had tests done. I don't remember much of it, but what I do remember is the neurologist. He was the last doctor we saw and he basically said "nothing's wrong just drink more water and electrolytes". So our mother started buying Gatorade and coconut water for us, but it didn't help much. It stopped it from being terrible, but it didn't make it completely better. By this point I was walking around the house with my vision fully blacking out every time I stood up to go to a different room.
When I was 16 the exercise intolerance was so bad that I couldn't work out anymore. I quit the rowing team that I had loved. I am almost certain that if I had been involved in a different sport that I would have had to quit sooner. I learned just a few years ago that rowing is an exercise that is more tolerable for exercise intolerance, like a recumbent bike. I got "lucky" in a way.
When I was 19? 20? and living alone at college I took matters into my own hands and told the nurse on campus (an amazing woman) that I believe I have EDS and POTS and want to see a specialist. She didn't really know about either disorder but she looked them up with me and decided to refer me to a cardiologist and a neurologist. In the few years since then they've both run many tests and found "nothing wrong". I convinced my cardiologist to send me for a tilt table test and of course that came back inconclusive.
When I was 21 I started using a cane anytime I left the house. I don't actually use it for balance but to reduce pressure on my lower joints when they're in pain, and day-to-day to reduce fatigue. If I don't use my cane I won't make it through the work day without my fatigue and back pain becoming crippling to the point that I can't sit up anymore.
In the last 6months I found an amazing GP who heard my story and decided to get shit done. She sent me to a physical therapist (also an amazing woman), got bloodwork to prescribe me various meds that are actually helping, got me on a waiting list to see an EDS specialist, and sent me to a sleep expert. At my most recent appointment I asked if we could talk about her possibly prescribing a wheelchair and she immediately said yes and wrote the script. Between her, my PT, and Gary the wheelchair guy from NuMotion's help I'm now waiting to hear if insurance is going to cover it.
I'm in my early 20's and I can't cut or mix my own food. I get home from my teaching job and I take a nap then eat the dinner my (also disabled) partner made, and then go to sleep for the night. I don't have a social life. I don't have the energy to do more than one thing in a day. Saturdays we do laundry and Sundays we grocery shop. That's what my weekend is. Sometimes if I have extra energy on a Saturday I can shower too. People don't talk about it much but struggling with personal hygiene is a major issue I have due to my disabilities. I started taking "cat baths" when I was less than 12 (washing the important bits with a washcloth while sitting on the toilet/floor). My sensory issues due to being autistic also affect this and make it hard for me to shower even when I do have the physical energy.
When I started physical therapy, my physical therapist asked what my goals are, long term or short term. I said I want to be able to shred my portion of chicken and mix it into the rice myself when we have dinner. My secret goal is to be able to do it for my partner as well so they can rest after cooking. I said my long term goal is to be able to rock climb again, but I understand that that might never be possible for me again.
I'm not even 25 and I'm mourning the loss of every interest I've ever had other than reading, and even holding a big book open is too much for my hands sometimes. I cannot live independently. I'm lucky that I have a low impact job that pays well enough for me to support myself and my partner. They can't work but they're able to take care of the housework and cooking and moving groceries and other necessities that I can't do myself. I try not to think about the future because I don't know what a progression of my disabilities would mean for our ability to live away from our abusers parents.
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I guess it's that time of year, again, when I ask folks to send me prompts(text is link to my ask box) for the 800-2k word ficlets I send out with holiday cards. (For those new to this, ficlets will get publicly posted to AO3 in Feb/March of 2025. And I usually post the rough drafts to Patreon, if you really can't wait.)
Things to keep in mind about prompting:
I do not anticipate to write every prompt I get, and multiple people sending in the same or a very similar prompt will not make it more likely to get written. (This does not mean you shouldn't send in a prompt.)
I don't write in any of my existing AUs, because I don't want folks to have to be familiar with a longer fic or series to enjoy a little ficlet with their card.
I am not currently writing Harry Potter for personal reasons. Any prompts sent for this fandom will be deleted out of hand. (This does include crossovers.)
I will 100% write a ficlet for my own OCs. I am not comfortable writing a ficlet with another person's OCs unless their creator requests it themself, and are open to me pestering them for more information.
I will write both shippy and platonic ficlets. However, these do aim to be family-friendly, since I don't know who's opening anyone's mail, so we aim for a generalised Teen rating.
If you've never seen me write a ship, but you know I'm in the fandom, go ahead and prompt it. (If it's a ship that I have no intention to write, I'll just quietly delete it, not here to insult anyone's joys.)
Yes, anon is on. Please don't give me a reason to change that.
You can also send your prompts to either of my multi-fandom blogs (batsutousai and the back-up bats-batsutousai) or my twitter (LadyMarvolo).
You can also send them through my cohost (batsutousai) or bluesky (batsutousai), but I keep forgetting to check both of those places and don't know what sorts of notifications are turned on, whoops.
BATS' SHIP LIST (text is the link. This is not all-inclusive, just the ones I am 100% comfortable with and down with writing.
Yes, I know I said, last year, that I was going to try to put together a platonic 'ships' list. That clearly has not happened. I shall make an attempt again this year, but my promises are sand.)
PROMPTS (just gonna do links to some of the prompt lists I've reblogged previously, just please let me know which list you're pulling from?)
Bats' previously created holiday ficlets prompts list
Line of dialogue
Four word prompts
Numbered dialogue prompts
X Me prompts
I think there's one in my drafts that cuddling related? I'll see if I can't find that and post it some time this week.
And, no, you do not have to pick prompts off the lists. If you've got one you've been dying to send me, go for it. Just, please keep in mind that I'm only looking for short ficlet prompts at this time.
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Friday Update!
This week has been a very standard "week in the life" for me, which generally means a lot of progress was made on a single project which makes for a short update.
1: My primary project is Fated To The Wolf, it's book one in a length-undetermined series. This is an M/M Paranormal romance with (surprise) a wolf shifter. This novella is part of a contract to publish in an anthology with a bunch of other authors (also writing PNR wolves) in order to batch all our marketing together and reach a wider audience. Then, 6 months-ish later, the anthology is unpublished and we all can republish our books individually.
My plan is to take the 20k novella and expand it into a full novel after it's released from the anthology. But for now, I'm revising the novella version and taking notes about what I'd like to expand on it the future.
This week I got through chapter 6. There are 9 chapters total so I expect to wrap this up and submit to the anthology project next week. You can expect to see more posts about Fated as the preorder runs!
Oh, I don't want to forget: Fated takes place in a universe shared by a lot of other stories in active development. There is an alien dragon series (9 novels) and a vampire series (10 novellas) both in progress that are in the same world. So far, crossed characters are few as I establish the first book in each series, but there will be familiar faces in each one. Due to the expected length of these series I anticipate Wolves will be at least 5 novels when it wraps up, perhaps longer.
2: Coming in right behind is Rescued By The Dragon Assassin, which is an M/F dragon shifter PNR novella. Another 20k multi-author project. This one is already up for pre-order: https://www.tamiveldura.com/product/rescued-by-the-dragon-assassin/
This novella is going to release indie from the start and exists as one of 10+ novellas all written on the same tropes. Rescued by a villain type, all paranormal or scifi romances. You can find them all here: https://www.villainsdoitbetter.com/
This week I drafted the initial rough outline that sketches in my tropes and romance beats. I've started refining that outline with more detail, like blocking in actors on a stage. It's not descriptive, just simple movement of all the characters so I know what everyone is doing. There's only so much you can fit into 20k words. About 7 or 8 scenes, for my writing style, which means every scene has to lift some heavy loads to carry not just the plot but a believable character arc.
3: Admin work this week included putting out a newsletter to announce Rescued, publishing my next short story on preorder for September:
And, always important, backing up my entire website and both databases as a precaution. I've had bullshit hack into my website before and having a locally stored backup is one of the easiest ways to fix that in the future.
#indie author#update#wip Fated#wip Rescued#PNR#M/F#M/M#dragon shifter#wolf shifter#werewolf#bookblr#writeblr#romance#novella
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Overcoming Fear : On Writing “I Don’t Have It In Me To Forgive You” And “I Felt Nothing When You Died”
This is the first time I’ve written about these two events. I’ve told these stories to loved ones but it’s different when you have them written down and posted to the Internet, where they exist ad infinitum.
Even if no one reads these two pieces, I knew that writing them would be useful in tracking my progress as a human being. Although painful, certain experiences must be remembered and recorded for the purpose of self-improvement. And I fear that if I forget what I went through, I risk not understanding myself fully. And the last thing I want is to feel that I’m a stranger to myself.
I recall the memories as I’m writing, but as soon as I’m finished I discard them from my mind and turn my attention elsewhere. Creative people tend to be overthinkers, and I want to remain creative but at the same time prioritize my mental health. That’s why it’s important for me to set boundaries with how much time - and for what purpose - I spend thinking about a particular experience. Since I had developed more confidence in myself over the years, recalling these memories was not a painful undertaking. Time and growth both contributed to the strange feeling that these two incidents may not have happened at all. They felt so foreign because they took place a lifetime ago, buried in the past, which no longer exists except in my memories. I felt like I was writing about someone else’s life.
In both I Don’t Have It In Me To Forgive You and I Felt Nothing When You Died, all the events described are true. To say that these were “inspired” by real life experiences would be an understatement; they were taken directly from them. As much as I would like to tell you that I’m a creative, imaginative writer, neither of these pieces needed any of my creativity or imagination. I was recounting real events, real people, and real feelings. Hence, if there was any creativity or imagination to speak of, it was in how I decided to structure the stories, which themes I chose to highlight, and how I explored my own psyche as I processed self-acceptance, homophobia, forgiveness, and grief. The creativity is found solely in the writing style, lyricism of the prose, and what I chose to reveal about my rationale, and not at all in the “plot,” if you want to call it that. Because these stories are real, the emoting was natural - I took everything I was feeling and ran with it.
This resulted in completing these pieces over the course of two days. For each, I finished the rough draft in one sitting, and used another sitting to edit and finalize. I played Cha Soo Kyung’s “Can’t Forgive,” one of my favorite Korean songs, to allow for maximum emoting. I chuckle as I write this, but I’ve been told by family and close friends that I’m OA. It’s useful when writing, not so useful in real life. When I write, just like when I do perfumery, I make changes to my surroundings in order to produce the best work I can. And playing the right songs helps me to enter the desired emotional state. I had to channel both vulnerability and strength for these works.
While the two are related in subject matter, each shows a different approach to how I handled these situations. In I Don’t Have It In Me To Forgive You, there is an element of chance and there is no lengthy confrontation with the antagonist - I run into the homophobe on the sidewalk, acknowledge his presence drily, and move on. The story is resolved with my decision to literally, and figuratively, walk away. By contrast, in I Felt Nothing When You Died, my encounter with the girl was deliberate and we did see an explicit confrontation via the speech I had made. In the first story, I removed myself from the situation; in the second, I put myself dead center and rose to the occasion. I highlight this to say that depending on the circumstances that life presents to us and the people we are dealing with, our approach will be different.
I also believe that the punishment should match the crime. In the case of my friend’s cousin, the issue was between us as individuals, so any resolution would’ve involved just the two of us and nobody else. In the case of my classmate who outed me, the issue unfolded publicly, so I dealt with it publicly as well. In the first story, karma is served in my decision to never associate myself with this person again, to remove him from my life and remove any remaining method he had of accessing me. I blocked him on all my social media accounts and with time, outgrew the church and left for good. In the second story, karma is served in my decision to speak up for myself, which resulted in a peaceful rest of the school year, and a peaceful senior year - at which point all harassment had stopped. I would like to think that the people in that class told their friends about my speech and that the gossip spread throughout our grade. I never saw to what extent this news had travelled. But it seemed that it travelled quite far if everyone took the initiative to back off. This, coupled with my low profile, contributed to people finally leaving me alone, I imagine. I am quiet until you give me a reason not to be and then the gloves are off. And when I speak up for myself, I can promise you my words will land and they will cut - just like the knives I throw. To be clear, I don’t see it as karma that my classmate passed away. She served her karma when she was alive in having to bear the knowledge of the pain she had inflicted, and her death only gave me further closure. As I wrote in that story, “... since you’ve passed away, so have our issues.”
While on the topic of karma and death, I would like to discuss this quote: “Since I made the decision not to kill myself that weekend after you outed me, I believe that God took your soul in my place.” To be honest, I don’t actually believe this. I don’t actually believe that the fact I’m still alive is because she died, nor the reverse - that if I had killed myself, she would be living. I only mentioned this in the story because it offered a unique way of looking at the situation. This one sentence touches upon the themes of religion and karma, and the belief that if you were able to evade misfortune, then that misfortune would be passed onto somebody else. The same holds true for good luck. Perhaps this is more of an Eastern belief which has been ingrained into my psyche from having grown up in a culture which emphasizes fortune. When I was discussing creativity and imagination earlier, this sentence is an example of what I mean when I say that that the creativity and imagination in this story come from how I navigate and describe my psyche. While admittedly, I don’t believe that she died for the purpose of sparing my life, my decision to mention this is a step I took towards creative liberty.
I am a stronger individual after having overcome both of these incidents in my youth. I am even stronger for writing about them and sharing them on a public platform. I’ve been told by close friends that I possess an aura of unwavering confidence. While this is true for the most part, I am human at the end of the day so I do waver. I do feel uncertain at times. However, I don’t let my feelings of uncertainty interfere with my goals. Prior to sharing these works, I had a moment of doubt whether I should proceed. This doubt came from my trauma whenever I’ve discussed what it’s like to be gay and I’ve been ridiculed for it. But I knew that in order to be a more self-aware and authentic person, I would benefit greatly from sharing the challenges I went through - regardless of the reach, regardless if I’m the only one who will ever read these stories.
If I have any parting words for you, dear reader, it’s this: if there’s something you’ve been wanting to do and it scares you, but you have a feeling you’ll benefit from it, then just do it.
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I don't even know if I like visual novels...
The only reason I'm not writing this in a notebook is because I want to draw later and I don't want to hold a pen any longer than I need to. And the only reason I'm writing this at all is because it's my fourth day working from home and my boss hasn't given me any instructions. So, as Bjork's guttural utterances crawl through my tinny work-laptop speaker, let's put my idea where no one will see it; on my tumblr.
Followers of my private notebooks (of which there are exactly one and a half since my best friend hears all the synopses) will be familiar with a trio of OCs currently known as the Orchid Sisters. Coming up is my ten year anniversary of not knowing what to do with them. They, and I, are beginning to get restless. There have been too many disastrous attempts, within several formats.
My best friend, who I won't name since she's online and doesn't need her reputation soiled with my bullshit posts (let's call her Sammy), suggested that I choose a new medium (since I've tried and failed a few of them for this trio) which properly facilitates the tone and setting, and that I go back to the inspirations for this 'series.' I've just deleted a detailed synopsis of the myriad of inspirations which have mutated the non-existent story of these three characters, including "Twilight Eclipse, but just the soundtrack."
Let me jump to the idea because I'm getting bored of writing the history of my own ideas for literally zero audience. Actually, fuck it. It's easier if I just draft it. Enough throat clearing, here goes nothing. Cringe is dead.
Initializing...
Authenticating...
Greetings, Administrator. You have likely discovered this software installed on your machine with no memory of how it got there or what it is for, considering that this is your first time using it. You also likely put aside your knowledge of cyber safety and clicked on it because you saw a sticky note on your desktop with an arrow pointing toward the application shortcut, reading "Boot up if amnesia strikes -- Z." Since you know very well who Z is and you trust that she's quite well-versed with computers, you followed her advice.
MAIN MENU
[Help Menu] [Select User] [Settings] [Archive] [Quit]
HELP MENU
[Introduction] [What is this software?] [Who are you?] [How do I change the user's settings?] [Where are the files located?]
WHAT IS THIS SOFTWARE?
This is an application designed by Zelda M Green to manage her own amnesia and social anxiety. You are 84% likely to be Zelda Green, and you of course know if you are her, but I am accounting for the fact that the other two users can (but usually will not) access this help menu. Detailed descriptions of Zelda's reasoning behind creating this software can be found in [Archive]->[Development Log].
This application executes simulations of your social interactions from the recent past, and is updated automatically upon cybernetic upload conducted by my robotic avatar during your hours of sleep. As such, it allows you to extract your own memories and observe simulations of them in order to optimize future social interactions. Seeing as how the cybernetic upload feature is still under development, some user-submitted context clues and social responses will require your input during the social simulations. Completed simulations are available for re-viewing in [Archive]->[Memory List].
For Silence: Zaza-nee made a sim where she can see her memories of convos because sometimes she forgets or gets blushy about it. And you and Tata can use it too!
And so on.
#journal#writing idea#visual novel#vn#social simulation#maybe I'll actually make this a game maybe I won't#this idea will probably die just like all the others#orchid sisters#creative writing#marvomakesathing#marvo makes a thing#we have no friends
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Show Your Process Tag
Rules: When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag others. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!
Tagged by the ever intriguing @saedoeswriting
I hope npbpdy minds if I go a bit theoretical on this, I have this paranoia about sharing project information too early and hyping people up only to later realise I can't finish the project so I don't want to chat too much about stuff that's far away on the publish-o-meter, but it also feels weird to use a sequel for this, and the inspiration and preparation parts of Merry Arlan: Breaking The Curse were such a long time ago (that book took me 4 years to finish, not including the very first ever draft of it)
Inspiration
Usually inspiration comes from a brief blip of a thing. A "what if" on a story by someone else. A song that builds images in my head. A ride at Disneyland Paris on my honeymoon in 2018 followed by 3 days of my wife being snowed off site and us tellng each other stories wrapped up in blankets to pass the time(okay, that's pretty specific, it's my NTK Pirate Project).
Actually, a lot of my inspiration comes from my wife, she gives me a lot of "what ifs" to follow, encourages me when I start rambling about stories and potential stories. She's said before "Yes, take my ideas and turn them into stories because I don't want to write, I jus want to read them"
Preparation
The most prep I ever did was for my 2021 NaNoWriMo project (current title share is Untitled Space Opera, it's part of the Inter-Planetary Alliance Novels, coming ????), I printed off two different prep booklets and built characters, wrote down scene prompts, gave each character their own theme song. And then I used exactly none of that and just wrote what came to mind. (Have I mentioned lately that I'm a pantser?)
Most of the time "preparation" looks like "I can't write this full thing right now, let me just write this scene I have in my head" and "Do I have anything planned on Tuesday?"
Like, I have a plan to be finished with rewrites of the second Guardian Cadet Series book by 30th June and then spend at least the first week of July (possibly longer) just letting the whims take me where they will. That's prep, right?
Process
I write, majoritively, in order. Except in cases where I've written some kickass foreshadowing and I want to write what has been foreshadowed lest I forget that the foreshadowing exists.
I can write in any format, at any time of day, in almost any situation. If I have an idea, I'm writing it down, even if I'm trying to sleep, or trying to catch the bus, or in the middle of a conversation, or making dinner (am I hard to live with? Probably but I've asked my wife and she said she thinks its cute so that's fine, right?).
I will also write scenes that I don't have a location for yet, just because they come to mind. Draft 2 is for putting the puzzle pieces in order. Speaking of draft 2, I usually write 5-6 drafts before anyone else lays eyes on it, then it goes to my wife so she can translate it out of dyslexic-language and tell me that, while I am getting better with full stops, I still haven't quite mastered the art (semi-colons though, those I get).
Thoughts
Sometimes I wish I was more linear. I see people who outline smashing out books like they're frying tattie scones in a bright kitchen with all the proper utensils. Me, on the other hand, I have a fork because the spatula is broken, and the lights keep flickering off so I have to take great long pauses to stay safe and sane.
On the other hand, I know my process makes the books I want to make. (Poorly lit kitchen, fork instead of a spatula or not, those are some damn fine tattie scones.) Not to mention, I probably wouldn't be able to do it any other way (because I've tried).
I've always been impatient with myself and my output, I have so many ideas that I want to write, being able to write faster would be such a boon because it would mean I could get to them faster. But some things take more time. Spaghetti bolognase and Lasagne (okay, I can't spell, I'm sorry) are made up of mostly the same ingredients, but one takes a lot longer than the other. They're both tasty, they're both of the same value, they're both great. So slow-written books can be just as good as quick-written books too.
Tagging
I'm not sure who hasn't already been tagged in this one but if you happen across it and yu want to do it, tell them I tagged you
#showyourprocess#show your process#got a bit meta my apologies#also this is way long#anyway#tag games!
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hi how do you usually find fics to read???
ahh hi!! the short answer is i get them from quite a few different places, the long answer is:
tumblr: i find a lot of my shorter reads from @drarryspecificrecsdaily, which posts all of the complete drarry fics posted every day (which is so impressive!) and if one catches my eye ill dive in. i also keep up with quite a few reccers/rec blogs/fic finders: @thedrarrylibrarian, @lostdrarryfics, @drarryficrex, @sitp-recs (for old rec lists/newer single recs), @sweet-s0rr0w, @thebooktopus, @somegymnast, @the-starryknight, @drarry-fic-rambling, and more that im sure im forgetting. you can check out this drarry reccers masterlist for more! i also hoard fic posts that come across my dash like a dragon– i keep them in my drafts, and when im in the mood for something new i just pop into my drafts and see what looks good. generally once ive read all the fics that interest me on a rec list (or the single fic in single recs) ill then reblog the post to get it out of my drafts. the jury is still out on whether this is a good solution, seeing as i have nearly 300 drafts now ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
discord: im in multiple drarry discord servers with fic rec channels. i just save the ones that look interesting and work through them! i like these because writers can self rec, so i see fics i may have missed on tumblr. hit me up in dms if you’d like an invite to the drarry fans or drarry microfic discords
my friends: honestly at this point this is my biggest way of finding longer fics. my friends have a general sense of the kind of story i enjoy, and i trust them when they say a fic is too angsty for me or if itll be just right. im actually slowly working through a list of friend recs right now, ive been tagging the reccers in my softly reading lists!
fests: if there’s a fest i want to keep up with, i follow their tumblr and check the ao3 collection to catch any fics that sound interesting to me! i mostly hear about fests on discord :)
ao3 author pages: if i find a fic i really like from one of the above ways ill usually go to an author’s page and check out the rest of their stuff!! generally ill put their works on my mfl and read through them eventually rather than all at once
hopefully this is helpful? obviously this is just how i personally find fics, there are other ways to find great fics to read!! there are SO many drarry fics that exist and new ones are posted every day so i almost never go into the ao3 tag blind bc it’s overwhelming to me, but it might work for you! ao3’s tag filtered search is great if you’re looking for something specific. i hope this helps you find something new to read!
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𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞
“Buen provecho, mijo.”
pairing: leo valdez x gn reader
requested?: yes!
warnings: a little angsty, discussing the death of a parent
category: fluff, one-shot, a slice of life
a/n: this has been sitting in my drafts forever. i'm so excited to finally have it posted and i hope you guys like it!
Leo’s shivering body is engulfed in a soft duvet until the crown of his head. His brown curls sprawled on the stark white cloth are the only evidence of his presence, the sheets swallowing his body so well that it appears to be stacked messily and not holding a groggy Leo.
Despite your protests of wrapping himself up like this, he couldn’t help it. The chills that came with his fever were too much to ignore, which says a lot; Leo’s rarely cold. You’d be able to keep him warm, he considers, and there’s a deep urge to hold your frame against him. With a weak groan, he shifts in the tunnel of sheets.
Stupid Flu.
The last thing he’d want is to get you sick. Having your shared bed all to himself for the past few days as he persists through the discomfort of illness has been lonely. At first, it was a little fun. Getting a break from your occasional kicks and shifts that would wake him up throughout the night was nice, but he began to miss it after a while. Those pesky sleepy habits were worth it as they came with the comfort of your presence, the sweet scent of your body, and the softness of your skin. He ached at the absence of your company even though you were literally in the next room over.
He wondered what you could be doing having that this ache for you isn’t a new occurrence. Just a few minutes ago, he had called your name only to receive a “one second!”
So he waited, and well, it’s been much longer than a second.
As if he summoned you with his thoughts, the creaking of the door hinges catches his attention, drawing a soft hum from Leo’s lips. Feeling too weak to lift his head, he instead tugs down the duvet just enough to reveal his puppy brown eyes that sag with fatigue.
“Lee, I have a surprise for you.” The ringing sound of your sweet voice makes his mouth curl up in a smile. Leo furrows his eyebrows, eyes averting from your pretty face as he notices your hands are hiding behind your back.
“What is it, cariño?” He croaks, flinching at the dull soreness in his muscles as he pulls himself up to rest against the headboard.
“Close your eyes,” you demand with a giddy tone, and Leo complies with a short laugh. “Don’t peek!” A clinging of metal follows the sounds of pattering footsteps and a giggle of excitement before he receives the okay to open his eyes again.
Through thick eyelashes, he's met with stretched-out arms, presenting a deep blue bowl of soup on your palms. “It’s Caldo de Pollo!”
The nostalgic aroma hits his senses the moment you confess what it is. He leans in, getting a better view of chunks of potato, carrots, corn, and chicken that peek through an orange broth. The sight makes his mouth water, and to your surprise, his eyes too.
The dish reminded him so much of his mother. Suddenly, he was a kid again. His small eyes watch Esperanza place a bowl filled to the rim of the familiar dish on the table in front of him.
“Buen provecho, mijo.”
Leo grinned, revealing the gaps of teeth that haven’t grown in yet. "Gracias Mama," he chimed, swinging his stubby legs in his chair. For a second, there is a look of caution across his mother’s face as Leo picks up his spoon and shovels the soup into his mouth. But as it becomes clear that neither the hot liquid nor the sweltering heat of the day bothered him, she relaxes and settles in the chair across from him.
His mother’s eyes filled with adoration, a soft giggle comes from her lips as Leo, too hungry to care, has dampened his shirt in the midst of eating. In his memory, the image of her is hazy, but he can make out the rosy tint on her lips as she smiles at him, her long nose, her silky hair that's usually pulled up in a ponytail, cascading over her shoulders.
The memory is more vivid than any of his dreams. He could make out the glow of the setting sun from the curtains. Under his forearms, he could feel the stickiness of the plastic cover over the table cloth. Every detail of his childhood home was exactly where he remembered it.
One of Leo’s biggest fears is that one day he’d forget his mother’s face, her voice, the little memories he had of her. Already, day by day, the recalling of his mother’s comforting scent becomes weaker. Sometimes, he’d get a whiff of it when he’s on a quest or when he’s alone. He’d like to think that those moments meant that his mother was watching over him, that she truly wasn’t all gone.
Though this soup, the one you’ve presented in your arms, confirmed that the remaining pieces of her existence didn’t solely live in his memory but in everything. She lives in the stars that she was always so fond of. She lives in the Tejano music she used to sing along to when she worked or cleaned. She lived in the running engine of everything he’d ever created. She lives in this soup, the same soup she made him when he was sick or often, to his dismay, in the middle of the summer.
He never needed a moment to freeze in time to remember all that was his mother.
Leo’s eyes glisten with tears. The silence, the bleakness of his expression, made you look down at the soup yourself. You didn’t think your soup looked bad at all, especially not bad enough to bring Leo near tears. You even plated it nicely, garnishing the soup with cilantro and a lime wedge.
"Is it wrong? Bad? I had to look up the recipe, and I-"
"No, no. It's just- it reminds me of my mom." He smiles sadly at you, and you frown, taking a seat beside him on the bed. His expression softens, eyes studying your face. What did he do to get so lucky? "You made this for me?"
You nod. "I thought I should make you soup since you're feeling so sick today." You balance the bottom of the bowl in one hand as the other reaches over, pressing the backside against his forehead. A tsk leaves your lips; the heat radiating off of Leo's forehead was much warmer than usual. "I was looking at soup recipes, and I came across a recipe for Caldo de Pollo. Try it; I think you'll like it!"
Leo reaches over with weak hands, grasping the bowl of soup before bringing it to his chest. He leans in to take in the aromas.
“I didn’t poison it,” you joke. A watery laugh comes from Leo, the vibrations sending a few tears down his cheeks. Your stomach flutters at the sound, but your heart aches at the sight of his tears. You hated seeing him cry. Your thumbs gently wipe away the stray tears on his face as he admires you.
“I don’t know. I’ve seen you burn a lot of things in the past couple of years,” he teases. You cross your arms over your chest, not having enough times when you didn’t burn any food to defend yourself so you wave him off.
“Whatever,” you huff playfully. Leo chuckles as he brings the spoon full of broth up to his lips, and you shift in your place. You’re filled with anticipation, hoping that the recipe was authentic enough. “How is it?”
The flavors of the soup are almost the same as his mother’s, and he hums, a soft sigh of satisfaction leaves his lips.
“It’s amazing, mi amor.” The pet name you love rolls off his tongue slow and smooth. You sit up proudly at the praise, taking in Leo’s lovestruck expression. Before you know it, the other leans in for a kiss, and you scrunch your face. A scoff of playful offense leaves Leo’s lips.
“Why would you kiss me?” Leo whines with a cute pout. As much as you want to kiss him, you knew you shouldn't.
“You’re sick,” you remind him, and he dramatically sits back against the wall, playing with his spoon.
“Kiss me, and then we can be sick together.” Leo wiggles his eyebrows, trying to convince you with a smile that drops the moment you shake your head.
“No way. Keep your cooties to yourself.” To your surprise, Leo sticks his tongue out at you. The action makes you snort as you rise from the bed. “I won’t kiss you, but I’ll sit and eat with you.”
Leo shrugs, the solution is not as satisfying as a kiss, but he’ll settle with spending time with you. With a nod from him, he watches as you disappear past the doorway to get your bowl of soup.
In your absence, he takes a few more sips, the memory of his mother flickering in his mind. There’s a familiar gloominess that lingers at the fact that he will never be able to hug his mom or see her face again but being aware that her presence will always remain brings a sense of closure that Leo didn’t know he needed.
In his darkest hours, there was always a glimmer of hope that kept him moving forward. There was always a feeling that things would get better in time. This dull light, the voice that told him to pick himself back up, perhaps, it was his mother being true to her namesake all along.
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Modern!au Hange Zoë Relationship Headcannons
Hange Zoë x reader
a/n: hi!!! This is my first post for aot on this blog! Plspls tell me your thoughts and if you guys like this :) requests aren’t open quite yet but will he soon, I just need to finish some things up in my drafts first :) you can look at WIP page on my pinned post on my blog to see some other aot works I’m working on atm before I open requests :) pls enjoy !!! I luv them on god
gif not mine, credit to owner
Please tell them to go to bed, they have no self regard for their sleeping habits and WILL stay up for 2 days straight
It does not matter if they’re in bed with you either, they will lay with their back against the headboard and you cuddling into their side while they stroke your face until you fall asleep and then IMMEDIATELY start reading
The amount of times you’ve woken up to them still awake in the middle of the night looking at you like 👁👄👁😃 good morning sunshine~~ just go back to bed ~~ maybe you’re dreaming ~~ , cause they KNOW you’ll scold them and they’d like to avoid that at all costs
PLS they definitely wear one of those stupid little head light things so they can read while you sleep
AND IT JUST ADDS TO THE DISORIENTATION YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WAKE UP ABAJSKWJWNA
* 💡
* 👁👄👁
“good morning sleepy head”
I truly feel like they’re a pro at getting you to fall asleep though, not even so they can stay up they just are so good at soothing you
That one spot in between your shoulders thats always sore? They’re hands find it without you even having to mention
The way you have to cuddle laying on your right side and your left? They’re already adjusting themselves on the couch so that can happen
The way you like kisses on the top of your head but not your temple? Check ✅ they’re fingers are resting at your temple to remind them it’s always the top of your head -as if they’d forget-
Expanding on this, they’re just so good at remembering details about you in general???
And of course some of it is the basics like your favorite snack, your favorite candle, the current show your binging, the laundry detergent you always buy, etc.
But some of it you wouldn’t have even asked them to remember?? Like it gets more and more obscure the longer you’re together
Like how you wouldn’t like the leather seats in their car, which you mention once cause the skin on your legs were sticking to them in the summer
And then they’re in the market looking for a new car and this one doesn’t have leather seats, which to yourself you’re like oh cool :)
But then they just bring it up while you’re driving with them one day like
“Isn’t it nice that now when you wear shorts your legs don’t stick? I tried keeping that in mind for you, babe.”
And it’s just??? You’re almost questioning how they even KNOW that until they tell you about the one ☝🏼 time you mentioned it and it was at least a couple years ago and it’s just??? Thank you?!?
But yes, anything you do Hange WILL remember it for better or for worse cause they just see it as a part of getting to know you and love the person you are!
Okok emperor fidgety over here ‼️
WILL talk with their hands so intensely that they’ve knocked over countless drinks, vases, has even flung their fork once
Queue wide eyes and awkward laughing while they blush a little before they rush for a towel to clean up their mess
But will still continue to ramble while they clean, nothing stops their talking
Carpet cleaner is your best friend
Let’s just say when the two of you decided to move into a new place together, hunting for hardwood floors was a must
But BECAUSE this fools always making a mess and needs to just ~lower the chaos a teensy bit ~ they WILL grab onto your hands while they talk
They’d be getting particularly animated and loud and you’d just let out a giggle and nod your head, letting them know you’re listening and they don’t have to be so loud
And they’d just giggle and shush themselves and be like sorry sorry I know with some big stupid smile on their face
They’d reach their hands out and grab yours and clear their throat and raise their eyebrows a little,
“Ok, so, here’s the best part though. Get. This.”
And they’d just go back to ranting but this time they have so much more energy being focused into you rather than combusting out of them
Their eyes are locked onto yours so hard, no longer darting all over the room while they speak
Their hands moving yours only a little, swinging them up and down, squeezing them when they get particularly excited
Their voice is more hushed and deep, their words shooting sharply at you with an intensity vibrating off them making your cheeks burn
Now, when something would normally result in a flying fork, instead it’s a tug on your hands to bring you closer while their voice gets heavier and quiet - almost a whisper - sharing this moment with you and ending it with raised eyebrows and a squeal - sometimes even shaking your arms about if it’s especially exciting news
Speaking of ranting, when you rant you better expect Hange to get JUST as involved as you
You’re frustrated? Yeah Hange is getting heated too, riling you up in the process, it’s their problem now too
You’re happy? Hange is squealing and jumping up and down with you as if they got the promotion ajakskajaja
I feel like the only exception to this would be if you were stressed, upset, or sad
They’re immediately quiet and looking all over your face for any sign of distress with the most sincere eyes
Nodding and responding with little hums of understanding, ready to scoop you into their arms the moment you need them too
The RULER of taking care of their s/o when they’re down or sick
Not only cause they know everything there is to know about your existence lmao
But cause I think they’re smart enough to be able to not be over bearing when they’re taking care of you
They’ll check in a lot for sure, but never smothering you more than you’d like lmao
Their love language is definitely quality time in my opinion
Do you remember how excited they were when Eren agreed to listen to them talk and they talked literally ALL night?? -I miss them like this pls-
Please just spend time with them while they’re doing research at home or reading, they’ll never feel more loved and appreciated
Ok but like :
It’s late, it’s been dark outside for hours now. Your eyes became heavy hours ago but, you don’t have work tomorrow, and you’d hate leaving Hange in here by themselves, so you decided on cuddling up in the living chair in their office - that they definitely put in there for you - on your phone. You were scrolling mindlessly through apps trying to keep your mind stimulated enough when you heard their chair move from the spot they were in for the first time since you’ve been in their. You looked up to see them crack their neck and stretch their arms above their head, they’re shirt riding up just above their belly button.
They sighed deeply and slowly walked over to you, running their hands down the side of your face and cupping your cheeks to turn your head up to face them.
They leaned down at an agonizingly slow pace and pressed a deep kiss on your lips
“Let’s go to bed now, yeah?”
And while you were laying together drifting off to sleep, they’d just kiss your head one more time and tell you how much they love you
Pls you’d mean the world to them
HANGE IS A SEXY DRIVER HANGE IS A SEXY DRIVER HANGE IS A SEXY DRIVER
Like,,, WHEWWW
This isn’t even a relationship HC LMAO
I mean a little -
They’d LOVE to go on roadtrips with you, you can’t tell me otherwise
A fun stupid adventure to buy shitty souvenirs along the way? Meeting strange people and getting all these new stories together? Hange is at peace like this lmao
But more on them driving 👁👅👁
Definitely drives stick, and they’re a FAST driver
Always a little above the speed limit
So good at changing lanes, especially on the freeway
The way they check over their shoulder?? Lawd almighty
Sometimes they’ll check over their shoulder that’s facing you and flick their eyes to your’s for a moment, cause they can feel you staring at them in that brief moment, and they’ll just raise their eyebrows and shoot you a cocky little side smile
And then after they change lanes they reach a hand over and squeeze your thigh before they keep driving
Ok does have bad road rage though LMAO
Not in a dangerous way they just,, swear very loudly in the car and then roll their eyes and apologize that there’s idiots on the road LMAO
Anyways
All in all, Hange is a very attentive and loud partner, so I hope you’re ok with chaos and intensity
———————
a/n: thanks for reading yall!!! Feel free to check out my blog, more aot content coming soon! And I always love to hear from you guys :)
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Transcript of Kelly Marie Tran and Jenny Yang’s conversation for CAA Amplify’s Town Hall on Confronting Anti-Asian Racism on April 1, 2021. Watch the full video on CAA Amplify’s website at amplify.caa.com/library/ (linked in source).
Kelly and Jenny’s part starts at the 47 minute mark and is about 7 minutes long.
To know more about what was discussed at the town hall and the other speakers, read ‘CAA Amplify Town Hall Confronts Anti-Asian Racism; Asian Community Finds Power In No Longer Staying Silent – Commentary’ on Deadline.com.
Jenny Yang: [waves] Hi, Amplify!
Kelly Marie Tran: [laughs] Hi!
JY: Kelly! Hi!
KMT: Jenny! Oh my gosh!
JY: I just want you to appreciate the matchy-ness of my look today.
KMT: I’m loving the coordination. The shirt with that little pot in the back. You look like someone who’s got everything together. [laughs]
JY: You know, we’re trying to. We’re still in a pandemic. And now we’re gonna talk about being in Hollywood as an Asian American!
KMT: Great! [laughs]
JY: Let’s do it!
JY: With everything that’s been going on in the world, um, with… Frankly, feeling like Asian Americans, being an Asian woman in particular, with the shooting and murders in Atlanta… Like, feeling, like, under attack and super sad. How have you kind of come to understand who you are now as an Asian American in entertainment because of all of this?
KMT: There’s just so many emotions being felt at one time and I think… [sighs] For me, I wanted to dismantle, like, internalized racism, racism inside of me. It’s no secret that I left the Internet for very specific reasons. One thing that I think made a really big impact on me was recognizing just how deep seated the racism was. That was something that I don’t know that I knew the extent of it. And it made me really think about, okay, how do I figure out how I’m working within this system that has… perpetuated this thing.
JY: You unfortunately saw some of the worst, um, hate and ire that’s directed at.. women and particularly you as an Asian American woman, right? I mean, like, publicly. Just because, just because you exist! And this is what’s so, so, like, like, bonkers for me. And I think it’s really cool that, like, you’re admitting to having internalized some of this. Because I feel like that’s one of the first steps, right? It’s like… we need to educate ourselves and get right with ourselves as well as take action.
JY: When, uh, the pandemic first hit, we all had to stay at home. March, like, 11th, was my last day, 2020, of being out in public. About a week later, I was going out, just me and my, you know, blunt bangs, right? And my Asian ass eyes. In front of me stops a pickup truck of, sort of a middle aged white guy. He stopped right in front of me while I was at the corner when he had a green light and flipped me off. What was that for? Nothing had happened. And yet I’m getting accosted, assaulted, whatever. And then it hit me. And then I got hot in my face. And I was like, oh! This is because people think I am responsible for the pandemic. This is because our president and other people call it the China Virus, call it Kung Flu, make it a punchline. It’s telling someone driving down the street that I am a target for their, their hate. It was really upsetting that, okay, wow, this is the beginning of the pandemic, this is what’s to come. It is really important for me to think about what does it mean for us now as Asian Americans in Hollywood and honestly other people who are non-Asian in Hollywood to step up.
KMT: Like, what is helpful moving forward? You know, there’s so… so many instances of uh… you know, my friends and people that I’ve worked with who have, you know, done the social media posts and donated to foundations. They’re reading books about how to dismantle their own internalized racism. Like, what is that next step? And how do we actually, um… Help create change.
JY: You know, Andrew Yang, presidential then presidential candidate, put out a Washington Post op-ed that’s essentially said Asian Americans, if you want to fight anti-Asian racism, then you need to show that you’re more American so that we can be more liked. And, um, I wanted to test that premise in a video and I did that. And, um, you know, I went out with a sign that says, you know, honk if you, uh, if you won’t hate crime me. A middle aged white woman and her son drove around and stopped me and said, “I honked earlier and we just made two loops just so that we could talk to you.” And she just started to go into tears. She’s like, “I am so sorry what’s happening to you and your community. We are… I want you to know that we’re here for you.” That, I will never forget. Because that’s what we need. We need people who, um… are going to be there for us, not just as allies, ’cause we say that word so easily. We need people to be like adopted family! Who wanna join us, alright? Who are, uh, willing to be the intense aunties and uncles of our families who will stand up, whether you’re Asian or not, to actually risk something. ’Cause to me this is what, this is what it’s about.
KMT: During the pandemic, you had this comedy show called Comedy Crossing over Animal Crossing because we couldn’t do it in person and you raised over 30,000 dollars for Black Lives Matter. And that’s someone who is showing up. And that is someone who is risking something. When you’re talking about holding on to hope and you’re talking about a vision for a better world, like, that’s what you did. I’m getting emotional talking about it!
JY: I know! Why are you doing this, Kelly! [wipes eye]
KMT: Because it’s true! [laughs]
JY: Why are you doing this!
KMT: Because it’s true! [laughs]
JY: I mean, listen… There’s more we can always do, but we need to do what we can, you know? And I’m not perfect at all, and… I probably could risk more. I really admire, you know, in your journey, sort of your moment when you, when you, I feel like really took a step forward. And so— Oh, now I’m gonna tear up again. I remember reading the draft of it in that cafe before the pandemic and tearing up and being so happy and proud of you because I know for a fact that, like you were saying earlier, it was very challenging to all of a sudden be thrusted into the public spotlight and become… automatically representation as an Asian American woman, right? In pop culture. And I don’t think people are prepared for that! Honestly, every single person who works in entertainment who has any kind of platform, we all need like mandatory training or something. Asian American studies…
KMT: [laughs]
JY: Asian American history. So.
KMT: Um. I was just gonna say I’m really grateful for our friendship and the way in which… recognizing that no matter how hard an experience gets, it always gets a little easier if you’re not in isolation within that experience.
JY: The more we can stay connected with each other, right? And encourage each other and not feel alone, I think that’s the way we get through this.
KMT: I’m really grateful to have had this conversation. Just to hear more about your insights as someone who is a community organizer, someone who has been furthering, um, not just the movement in terms of, you know, combating anti-Asian hate, but also anti-Black hate. Um… And how do we continue to be productive as people who all obviously are now sort of pulled into wanting to help in ways that will further, um, hopefully these movements.
JY: Yeah. Thank you.
KMT: I love you so much, friend. It’s so good to virtually see you.
JY: I know! I love you too, Kelly Marie Tran.
KMT and JY: Bye!
#kelly marie tran#jenny yang#eastasiansonwesternscreen#stop aapi hate#stop asian hate#protect asian lives#anti asian racism#caa amplify#star wars#rose tico#cw shooting mention#haysianrose posts#person: kelly marie tran#person: jenny yang#media: videos#events#era: 2021
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