Bigger Than Me Live from Milan

I live liive streams

Hello world how are you doing today I'm thinking about going to do a live stream on tumblr.com but I got off with someone to help me out cuz I have a disability oh Wonder other people to do the live streams help me out and yes it'll be colder going to come to do another live stream with somebody else than doing it by yourself that's why I'm waiting to do a live stream on tumblr.com well if you don't know what tumblr.com is tumblr.com is a micro frog where you can block but they added live stream doing something you can do live videos they make fans for your blog and yes I love the one live videos sometimes but I want somebody on here to help me out cuz when you have somebody with it's fun that's more fun they have someone to collaborate with the daughter live video on your own and yes it's something that you don't understand in this blog post write me dead I will do a video on it and yes I will make myself happy but I'm already happy but I want to talk about my disability to other people on this platform that's why I'm talking about my disability and that's why I don't want to do a live video on this platform so I could talk about my disability what I've been through yes my life is hard my life is joyful have a good life there's only one thing is missing from my life is someone special I'm always been looking for that special sandwich in my life it doesn't matter who you are if you are walking or in a wheelchair like me you can still date somebody and that's why I'm writing this post and yes I love to have more fans liking the paragraph cuz I like the making fans everywhere I go I like making people laugh I like the making people do silly s I like the big silly and make people laugh if I don't make people laugh I'm not doing my job as in someone in the wheelchair yes it's hard it's frustrating it's it's so freaking hard to be frustrated and not able to use your legs like you want to and it's awesome people like God did on you and it's the best feeling and they accepted me until where I am with my disability and that makes me so happy that they did something for who I am and not the way I am new paragraph Yes I love making new friends period I like making people laugh if you have in the bad day you always could come to me on a bad day I'm always on  new paragraph. New line yes it's it's different having a disability is different but I like to make people laugh cry and that's what I think I'm the one with this blog post I hope you enjoy it.

Yes I wish I could work but I'd say and I can't work but having some people like my new friends like Cedar Queen and the rest of my new friends what I've made on here so far and it's so cool to see people go live and you can react to that person and yes I want to react to my fans like the react to their fans so I'm going to close this blog post out and saying have a nice day can I talk to you soon

WOW!!! Warning: there are some SERIOUSLY AWFUL HATERS out here on Tumblr!!! \(°o°)/

Okay, I don’t exactly know how to put this, but I’m gonna try anyway.

What I’m gonna talk about, happened yesterday, but I was kind of in a SHOCK because of it, so I totally didn’t know what to say... But I DO know that I’m INCREDIBLY DISAPPOINTED and also VERY MAD! Someone TOTALLY insulted me PERSONALLY and even told lies about me as well! It's completely unjustified. That much I know for sure. This person is so hateful, that even though I’m no hater, it’s kinda contagious and I feel like hating that person back. Especially after what all that already happened before the person did what he/she did. What a filthy TRAITOR!

So this person makes fan art and I was a great fan of it. I even had drawings of that person on my laptop lock screen and background. I knew they all were on his/her Tumblr page, but I had no account yet, so I couldn’t like the posts or something else. Eventually, after seeing more interesting stuff on Tumblr, I decided to create an account for myself. One of the first things I did, was following this person, liking a lot of his/her fan art and I wrote many kind comments in which I let him/her know how much I loved the art. I also sent some private messages to this person to tell him/her these things personally (and it were long messages, not just some short sentence like “I like your art”) and that I’d love to see more of the characters he/she drew. He/she replied with a “thank you” and said he/she would indeed make more and I said that I couldn’t wait.

Then (and this was yesterday) I looked at the list of the ones I follow and noticed there was one less. I went to our chat and from there I tried to go to his/her page, but I couldn’t manage to do that (which was because the person blocked me, apparently). I just looked up the page in the search bar and there I saw the message... IT WAS AWFUL. Not only the message itself, but also (and especially) the TAGS. This person was literally talking about ME and didn’t care a thing about letting me know that. It was absolutely disgusting to read it all and I was all like: “WHAAAAAAAAAAT?????!!!!!!!!!!” This person HATES and SCOLDS me, because (he/she said) I don’t support the lgbt+ community. Because I’m homophobic. The person said I’m not being oppressed for being straight... Like, WOT?!

Let me start off by saying this: YES, I don’t support the lgbt+ community, because that’s MY choice and MY opinion. I’m thinking for myself and nobody’s gonna tell me what I must think of anything! Exactly THAT is what annoys me the most! They all want to impose their opinions to me, with violence if it has to. They can’t even respect my opinion, but they expect me to agree with and support THEIRS??? Besides, almost the entire world is already supporting it all. Gay pride here, trans pride there. Those flags are everywhere! They’ve even got a WHOLE MONTH of lgbt+ pride now! Countless people praise and glorify - if not, worship - them and they’re gonna talk about oppression??? Come on, man! If it was all to have the same rights as straight people, to be equally treated as them, it would’ve been lgbt+ NORMAL, not PRIDE.

But that’s another story. What I’m REALLY ANGRY about, is THIS:

I LITERALLY have written on my page that I’m NOT homophobic or something alike. LITERALLY! And I’m not! In fact, I know quite a few gay people and I never got into a fight with them because of it. I may not agree with you on several things, but if you wanna be gay, go ahead! That’s not my problem. You do what you do, but let me do what I wanna do as well. And don’t go bothering me, telling me I have to find this normal and that normal... However, now even THAT isn’t enough anymore! I must support it or some people will hate me, apparently! Anyway, does this person really think I’m BLIND or something? Or PLAIN STUPID maybe??? Well, guess what... I’M NOT. I already had SEEN posts of this person about lgbt+ pride. Did I scold him/her? No. Did I talked bad words about him/her behind his/her back? No. Did I sent private messages to him/her in which I expressed my hateful feelings??? NO!!! But what I DID do, was following this person, liking his/her content and saying many nice things about his/her art. And then you go talking about me like THAT? I 100% don’t get it. Like, seriously, WHAT THE???!!!

Of course, after reading the (very personal) message, I immediately changed my laptop’s lock screen and background. How I wish I could delete this person’s page from my internet...

I thought it would perhaps happen in the future. The far future. But it seems it’s already reality today: you can’t say you’re straight anymore! Because that’s THE ONLY THING I did. My username: not-gae-cuz-i-like-straight-wae. Do I say I hate homos? (Yes, here we go again.) No! My profile picture/the name I use for my drawings: straight weh/straight wayzzz. Do I say I hate homos? Again, no! The title: this blog is not geh. Do I say I hate homos? Once again... No! The banner: hetero pride. Do I say I hate homos??? NOOOOO!

I SAID HETERO PRIDE AND IT APPEARS THAT BECAME AN ILLEGAL THING TO SAY. WELL, I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN: I FIND IT QUITE NORMAL TO BE HETERO, BUT I’M HAPPY TO BE NORMAL.

You know, I actually COULD feel oppressed for being straight now, because this person basically discriminated me for merely saying it! (By the way, there was someone else like that and he/she started to spam long texts and pictures in our private chat, saying he/she was streaming it to Discord. I’m pretty sure that isn’t even allowed! Eventually, I had to block that fool.) I’ve seen so many usernames that included “gay”, “lesbian”, “bi”, “trans”, etcetera, but when I include “straight” in my username, I’ve committed a terrible sin, according to some people! These things are seriously happening, but I still can’t believe it...

Someone choosing to be gay may be none of my business, but I also never said a hard word about it. Just that I DON’T support it unlike almost everyone else these days. And why would you give a darn crap about what I think, huh??? There are MILLIONS of people to back you up!!! Often, I only need to turn my head to see another lgbt+ supporter. I can’t even watch TV anymore without flags turning up on the sides of the soccer field or sometimes even in the stands! So what the FRICK are you whining about??? (Maybe I’m talking to you specifically, maybe I’m not, but I’m pretty sure you’ll know if I do.)

At first, I was shocked by the message and I gotta be honest, I was really SAD too. It came so unexpected and definitely not on the right day (my birthday, I’ll have you know... no joke, I couldn’t even celebrate it due to my school tests, but then I was taking a break after some studying and I do had to see THAT message). I suppose it hurt me more than it should have. But well, the longer I think about it, the more happy I am you showed your true self. The HORRIBLE and RUDE person you are. The truth is one of the most important things in life and I’m glad to have found it out once again. The last thing I want to say, is that I’m not hateful towards those you claim I am hateful to, but now, I DO despise YOU.

In Stitches

While I wait for kink-asks I guess I'll share.

Last night I was working on a project--making some cosplay stuff for a friend. Basically, I was sewing again (anyone that remembers the sewing a skirt post I have on here?). Welp, I did it again.

I started sewing around 4PM. Around 8PM my stomach was cramping up, demanding food (I hadn't eaten since about 7AM?). I thought "oh, right...I'm hungry--I should make food...hmm...after I sew this part, I guess."

4 hours later it's midnight, my eyes are drooping 'cuz I'm tired and I gotta be at work in less than 9 hours. I'm sitting in my sewing area with the completed thing for a friend. I'm so exhausted that I'm actually contemplating just sleeping on the carpeted floor of my sewing space right there and I actually curled up and was starting to drift off.

My stomach definitely didn't like that. It grumbled really loudly. I was lying on my front on the carpet too so it shouldn't have been able to get that loud (usually, if I'm lying on my stomach it doesn't growl quite as loudly compared to when I'm on my back or side). I sat up...and then I realized that the slightly annoying sensations I'd been ignoring all night were actually hunger pangs. I ended up curled up for a while because I no longer had the project to distract me (since it was done) and my stomach *really* hurt. My stomach let out some pathetic-sounding growls. They were small and quiet, almost cute if it didn't hurt so much each time one of those noises escaped the tight hunger cramps.

I was tired, starving...and I couldn't move to make myself food even though I wanted to because the hunger cramps were so intense that it actually felt like my stomach was trying to turn itself into a trash compactor or something...pushing in everywhere and turning itself into a tight, dense ball of pain. Pretty sure I cried 'cuz it hurt so much.

If I didn't have to go into work early I would have totally foregone food and indulged in kink, but I ended up boiling some pasta and heating up some left-over stew from the fridge to dump over the pasta.

That was a mistake. I was tired and I guess my body was already shutting down for sleep. It was either that or the fact that the stew had been in the fridge for about 4 days and might not have been good to eat anymore. Whatever it was, my stomach still found something to complain about after I ate. At that point I was exhausted and managed to drag myself to my room. I was debating brushing my teeth 'cuz I was so tired. A couple of deep gurgles were all the warning I had as I felt my midnight-dinner passing through my stomach and sleucing through my intestines. It hadn't even been 10 minutes since I finished my meal.

I spent almost four hours nursing a really upset tummy that was tearing itself apart trying to rid itself of my dinner. I felt like my guts had turned into a funnel--lots of stuff sitting in my tummy trying to force itself out. On the bright side, since I had to be awake for the massive-exodus from my guts, I decided to use that time to brush my teeth. Eventually I stumbled to my bed and flopped onto it. I was hungry again. My stomach was giving off short, quiet grumbles--trying to be cute after the hours of horror it gave me, how rude--the low-key hunger-pangs I had blocked from my mind for the whole day were back. Sucks for my stomach 'cuz I was too exhausted to move anymore and I didn't want to risk having something else treat my gastro-intestinal organs like some race-track. No matter what I bet on, the result was the same: I lose. I ended up trying to fall asleep in a hurry 'cuz I didn't want to be awake if my stomach decided to cramp-up as intensely as it had when it demanded I eat dinner...and at that point I had resigned myself to the fact that I'd be tired at work 'cuz there was no way in heck the remaining hours on the clock were going to be enough. I vowed to make myself coffee to get me through my shift...but before all that I wanted to sleep.

I woke up about 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I wondered what woke me...my phone wasn't in the room (forgot it in my sewing space) so it couldn't have been the vibrations of an incoming text. A couple of moderate and intense growls from my stomach answered my question for me. Hunger pangs and growls--that's what woke me. I was pissed off, so rather than getting up 30 minutes early to tend to my hunger I decided to punish my stomach for all of the literal pain and suffering and hours of sleep it had cost me. Not gonna tell you guys what I did to it. I'm kind of curious what the phrase 'punish my stomach' means to you. What do you think I did? Feel free to answer with an ask.

Survey #327

starting to run outta steam... haha.

What design is on your shower curtain? It doesn't have one. Did you get in trouble for cussing on accident when you were a kid? Ha ha yeah, for yelling "HOLY SHIT!" once, lmao. Ever made a snow angel? Yeah. Do you laugh at racial jokes? Absolutley not. What’s the highest you can count in a different language? 999, in German. How’s your flirting skills? I wouldn't know, ask those I've flirted with. Have you ever cried over a breakup? For a whole year and then some. I still have episodes. What does your dream life look like? Living isolated in the woods by a river and waterfall with a fantastic spouse, me being a very successful photographer and at least somewhat above *just* financially "stable," maybe having at least one poem published, lots of pets (mostly snakes), plenty of travel opportunities (mostly for photography), being free of my social anxiety and actually being reasonably confident, back in great physical shape... I'm really daydreaming now. What’s something you wish would happen, but know won’t? bleh Where did you meet your current or last significant other? YouTube, back when it was a much more social platform. Do you enjoy wine? No, it's way too bitter. What did you last ask your parents permission for? I asked Mom if I could snack on some chocolate chips she was saving for fudge (since Christmastime...). She was fine with it. Periods are fun. Do you get annoyed when you hear babies crying? I shouldn't, but I do. Me and babies just don't mix. Why were you in a waiting room the last time? I was at a doctor's appointment. What’s your lawyer’s name? I don’t have one. Do you own a lot of scarves? I don't think I own any... Would you ever get a face tattoo? I doubt it, but maybe something very small and subtle. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? Nature. The woods. Would you rather have a house exterior made from wood, brick, or stucco? Aesthetically, wood, but I don't support the continuation of wood housing in a society where we have many other options that don't harm the environment as much. So, realistically, brick. What is your favorite breakfast? Cinnamon rolls. Do you own a diamond ring? No. Have you ever stripped? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? IT with Girt. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. Yes or no: foreplay? Lmao who the fuck does it w/o foreplay first. Would you ever record you having sex? No fucking way. Something nobody’d ever guess about you? I used to be in great shape. Would you like to be a journalist? I actually wouldn't mind it. It was almost my minor the last time I was in college, actually, but the required courses were a no-no for me. Last year for school, we had an assignment where we had to choose a popular song to write a story based on. What song would you’ve picked? I don't know popular songs, so I'm picking any song. Off the top of my head, given my love for dark and morbid shit, maybe "Voyeur" by Otep. That song is messed up as fuck. No, it's actually not about sex, 'cuz I ain't interested in writing about that. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did. Do you have a long driveway? No, it's actually very short. Have you ever begged someone to stay with you? Oh yes. Are you friends with anyone missing one of their five senses? Not to my knowledge. Are you good at Pac Man? I'm no better than anyone else. Do you have an embarrassing period story? If so, what is it? No. Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication? No. Do you prefer tampons or pads? Tampons. Pads are mega uncomf. How old were you when your parents talked to you about puberty? I don't know, actually. What stereotype do you fit the most? Geek, maybe? Emo? Idk. If you’re a worshipper, how do you worship? I don't worship anything. What’s your favorite pain reliever? Advil. Do you have a lot of people blocked on Facebook? Not a lot, no. Does your father have facial hair? Yes. Have you ever had a hamster? Yeah, we went through a few. All of 'em were evil. Grape or strawberry jelly? Absolutely grape. What language would you most like to know fluently? German. Do you remember the last song you slow danced to? "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. Do you plan on having alcohol at your wedding? I don't know. Do you have an idea of who you might kiss next? I know who I WANT to kiss next, but that doesn't mean it'll happen. I hate psychic questions. Who’s the most controlling person you know? She's not in my life anymore. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A centipede, to name one. I've gotten more into the idea of owning invertebrates, and centipedes are in that hobby, but they creep me the fuck out. They're cool to watch, but I don't want one in my house. Do you have a picture of you throwing up the peace sign? Yeah, it's actually one of my favorite pictures of me without makeup. Has a very "me" vibe. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? Ha, yeah. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish and an Irish accent? Nope. Can you read music? Probably not anymore. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? Finding Dory takes the cake. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)? If you compliment my Markiplier tattoo because you get it, we are immediately family. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? Ozzkat. I use it essentially everywhere. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? HA, way more than once. Hyperfixation is a friend of mine. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? C U T E ! ! ! What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses? ALSO C U T E ! ! ! Have you ever died in one of your dreams? Yes. What appliance in your kitchen do you use the most often? The microwave. Do you use Skype to talk to your friends? Sara, yes. And Sam once in a blue moon if we're playing WoW together. Are you allergic to any animals? No. Have you ever had to go to the police department? No. Have you ever been called bipolar? Well yes, because I am. Have you ever made fun of a handicapped person? Hell no, and fuck you if you ever have. If a necklace/ring gives you green marks, do you still wear it? No. Have you ever had food poisoning? I don't think so, no. Favorite emoticon? Probably c: Do any emoticons annoy you? No, but an excessive amount of them I find disruptive to whatever I'm reading. Do you think there will be a WWIII? Yup, someday. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah, back in high school. The most interesting thing that’s ever happened to you at a grocery store? I dunno. Probably running into someone unexpected. Do you have any good book ideas? Having written RP since I was 10 years old... I could by now write a dozen dictionary-sized novels encompassing what I think are the greatest storylines. I genuinely do believe there's some fantastic stuff we've got, but there's just too many horribly dark and twisted parts in the evil mobs that I am not comfortable publishing. Are you gonna see Cars 2? Well, this is old. I never even saw the first one. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yep. *points at Weed from GDW* Have you ever posted a video onto YouTube? Yeah, mostly "meerkat music videos," I guess you could say. Some tributes to certain MM characters, others just music with meerkat clips. How often do you compliment other people? I try to any time I have a sincere one. I am very much for complimenting people openly and often. The Legend of Zelda series: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm not a fan of the franchise, honestly. Never got the hype. Do you even game at all? Most certainly, but not nearly as much as I used to... You can only replay old games but so many times before you just can't anymore. And the "newest" console I have is the original Wii, so... I definitely don't have the modern equipment. Would you give Zumba dance lessons a try if presented the opportunity? Probably not. Definitely not while my legs are in such bad shape; the dancing is pretty intense and would seriously hurt. I could easily imagine myself fainting. Do you own a rosary? No, but I did in my Catholic-raised childhood. Do you like Adult Swim? No. Sorry excuses for humor everywhere. What’s the first thing you do when you get on the computer? Do a quick check on KM just to ensure everything's in order. What’s one thing that you just wish you could do all of your life? Not have to pay bills, haha. If someone asks for your honest opinion, do you give it? Yes, if they emphasize they really want honesty. When was the last time you felt uninformed or out of the loop? Apparently some politician (I think) died recently and people practically rejoiced on Facebook. I knew zip about him. When in a car, where do you like to sit? Passenger seat/shotgun. Have you ever fought with a good friend over something completely stupid? Oh, absolutely. There have been plenty of RP-related arguments with multiple people... In the big picture, it's laughable to fight over a game, but when you're so invested in your own creations, in the moment, it can seem like a big issue. Those drama days are long behind me now. Would you ever visit a third-world country? I don't think so, no. It would shatter my heart, especially seeing children in poverty. Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? No. You overhear two people gossiping about you; what do you do? Probably call over something like, "I'm not deaf, you know." I highly doubt I'd sit there with my mouth shut. Have you ever felt manipulated? Yes. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I was truly, entirely homeless, quite honestly, I'm almost positive I'd kill myself. Have you ever done something just to fit in? Yeah. When was the last time you tried to impress someone, for whatever reason? I'm not sure, but I've certainly done it at one point or another. Do you think that the world could function in a state of anarchy? Definitely not. How well do you know your U.S. [or your country’s] history? I mean, I know the bare bones of it, but I'm far from well-versed in history. It was one of my weak subjects in school. Would you ever wish to move to another country? I'm not kidding when I say if it weren't for family, I would probably move to Canada. What is something that you do that others might consider “nerdy”? The way I write, particularly for academic purposes. I'm very descriptive and have an exceptionally large vocabulary. Have you ever had anything expensive stolen from you? Not from me specifically, but our basketball hoop was stolen from my childhood home. I doubt it was very cheap. Do you understand/notice when someone’s using sarcasm? Usually, anyway. When was the last time you were fooled? HAHA there was this drama video suggested to me on YouTube that involved Mark in the title, and I was mega confused and inevitably clicked. Now it's basically a YouTube meme just how "perfect" Mark is, so there was no real drama; apparently some newer fans are just upset at him for playing the sequel to HuniePop, a very sexual puzzle/dating game that's honestly entertaining and can be really funny. Like... he's played the original and despite the discomfort of some scenes (which are censored, mind you), he still had fun, and it was a big hit on his channel. So him playing the sequel isn't surprising, but apparently some people got shit to say. What first Impression do you hope you make with other people? Something along the lines of "wow, she's very nice." Have you ever thought about how you make other people feel/think? Well of course. I think everyone should take time to consider this. What is your stance on getting revenge? A petty waste of time. Any wise/truthful/witty quotes that you live by? Ha, another Mark answer. He once gave the casual innuendo of, "Life's hard; shouldn't you be, too?" (this might have actually been in a HuniePop video!), but when you take the... uh... sexual theme out of it, it's a good way to look at life???? Have tough skin, unmoving willpower, y'know, that stuff. Who was the last person you sat beside at a restaurant? My sister Ashley. Spongebob or Patrick? Patrick is a whole-ass mood. Would you rather watch little kid’s cartoons, older kid’s cartoons, or adult cartoons? Hm. Probably little kid's, given my love for Pokemon. How about watching regular cartoons or anime? Anime. Who is the last person you spent money on? Myself. Do you own a copy of Roller Coaster Tycoon? No; I had SeaWold Tycoon instead. I loved that game. Do you have any birth marks in embarrassing places? No. Have you used Limewire before? Of course. Free music for the low price of a catastrophic virus. :^) When was the last time you required a band-aid? I think when I cut one of my toenails way too short. Are you afraid of snakes? Oh no! I adore them so, so very much. Not saying I'm gonna go scoop up the first copperhead I find herping or something, but I love and respect them so very much. They are such fascinating animals. If you believe in reincarnation, what animal would you want to become? I don't think I believe in reincarnation, but hypothetically, maybe a lioness. Who do you tell everything to? Pretty much whoever reads these surveys, haha. Did you have candles on your birthday cake? Not my most recent one. Exactly, how old are you? I just turned 25 years and one month old. Have you ever been bitten by anything? Besides bugs, I don't think so. I've had cats and dogs playfight with me, but none have ever seriously bitten me with actual effort. Do you wear hats? No. What was the last song you sang along to? "Lunchbox" by Marilyn Manson. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years time? I'd like to be, but idk if it's realistic.

4, 5, and 20 mun views

Mun Views 

4. On your fandom. 

Which one lmao....um, well X-Men? Cool, a lot of the fandom to some degree is drawn cuz they can relate be they part of some type of minority group. Don’t see too many assholes, I think most of the jerks that were on here fell off during nippocalypse. There is a divide with the comic elitists vs xmcu and it’s dumb. I used to be an xmcu blog cuz I WANTED to read the comics but I was a broke ass college student who had literally no access to that, but I’d seen Wolverine and the X-Men, plus the movies that were out at the time. If I’d let those asses run me off, well, wouldn’t have continued to build my comic book collection (I’d already read Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, I’m talking specifically X-Men comics).

Arrowverse? I don’t follow many of the blogs, I have a select few I follow. My fandom experience is pretty much my friends with fairly similar views so I can’t speak on the fandom outside of the fact there’s a loooot of veiled hating on women of color under the guise of griping with the crappy writing. I try to avoid it. I don’t hold with Iris and Cecile hate, they’re good characters subjected to the writing of white men, what do you want.

Star Wars? NOPE. Hell naw. No thank you. Bye. I have no interest. I make it very clear this is a “the prequels are the shit, TCW is a fucking joke and trashes the characters, not!Star Wars mouse sequels are non-existent, the og EU is not legends it’s the only recognized canon” blog, and I’m this unapologetically. I have extremely strong opinions, I’ve literally been in the fandom since I was 6, I’ve spent hours reading EU content, visual dictionaries and encyclopedias, concept art of the movies books, comics, novelizations, etc. If you’re a stan of the other...stuff, I’ll probably say shit that will offend you and it’s probably for the best you don’t follow me cuz I’m not censoring these opinions, ever, at all. And for the love of all things holy, if you want to call R*ylo okay, or Anidala toxic, we meeting up behind Denny’s, yo.

Supernatural? Kinda sorta, considering I don’t link Nil and Farrar to any of the show canon besides using some of the monster lore. Like we don’t do the appropriation of native spirituality on this blog, so there’s no use of W*nd*g* cuz you’re not supposed to write or say that, like no. I have major problems with the show, that’s a mile and a half long, past season 5 it went downhill, they really should have left Swan Song as the finale. The queer baiting and bury the gays, the trash trash trash finale, the way any poc and female characters are handled, there’s so much oof. I stay away from it. Honestly kind of nice to see the SPN crowd was mostly quiet, it was RAMPANT when I first got on here, and there was a looot of drama. The way the extreme crowd of the fandom conducts themselves with the actors and stuff tells you a lot. Another nope. I prefer to stick to fandomless urban fantasy.

5. On exclusivity. 

If that’s someone’s jam, that’s cool. Doesn’t bother me. At one point I was exclusive to a few versions of characters. Not anymore, but I can understand how sometimes someone just clicks for you to the extent it rubs you wrong seeing a different version. It doesn’t stop me from writing with other people so I literally give no fucks and don’t see why anyone else should either.

20. On 'popular' blogs. 

Here’s where I piss a lot of people off, and I don’t really fucking care, as having at one point been an even more actively sought out blog back when the MCU was taking off in 2012-2014 and having tons of asks and thread requests, I can more than speak on what it’s like being a popular blog.Technically still am, you don’t have to take my word for it, just look in my thread tracker, and that’s not even all the threads cuz some are in drafts cuz they’re starters and I can’t add yet.

There’s nothing wrong with people enjoying your writing and following you. Awesome, good for you. It often proves to be a lot for people and I don’t like when I see people biting off more than they can chew but still pushing for more followers and asks and threads. Frankly, it’s really, really rude. I get wanting to make people happy, or wanting to try new threads and stuff, but you should also be reasonable with how much you can manage. If I see someone complaining about having too many drafts and asks and then not being able to write because of the pressure, but then daily pushing their promo or their wire or memes...and nothings coming of it...and they’re admitting they can’t get their muse to reply...then STOP. “You don’t owe anyone anything” means you don’t owe anyone respect and obligations that aren’t due.

When you decide to join a collaborative writing hobby, you’re still committing to your partners to write to some degree. Now if that means you’re going to be slow, and super minimal with which followers you actually interact with THAT IS FINE...as long as you have that communicated and make it very clear to the people who follow you they’re probably just following to be lurkers. But I can’t get with constantly pulling for interaction then within the same day the whole inbox is being dumped, drafts are being dumped, the same three people are the only ones ever getting a reply for the past three months, etc.

There’s been times I’ve said I can’t plot right now, there’s been weeks I bump all the memes in my queue further down so that they don’t post so I can catch up. I’m so secure with partners I don’t follow back unless I get my rules code sent in (newsflash: 9/10 I never see it). I never post a promo. I really don’t need to, if I see someone I really want to interact with on my dash, I’ll follow first, but I can’t in good conscious promote myself when I’m at a decent spot keeping up with a LOT. Sometimes I’m really glad I’m a multi with OCS and mostly female muses, it helps avoid ever reaching the point where I’m just getting too many followers to keep up with, but giving yourself a cut-off isn’t a bad thing people. Trying to do too much is.

There, I have successfully pissed off a ton of people, but I’m not taking it back. There’s way too much immaturity on this matter on here, and it’s really a litmus test of the people who HAVE been in group hobbies that are interdependent of cooperation of all members offline, and those who haven’t. “It’s my hobby” isn’t this get of of jail free card you get to wave everywhere when you want to ignore people. You can’t pull that in most hobbies that involve more than one person, whatever it may be, if it’s a DND group, rec sports, chess, whatever. This is my hobby too. I just probably take hobbies and commitment to other people to a more...respectful level. If I have real life, or physical issues, of course that takes priority, but here’s a little secret...we ALL, like 99% of the community, have some degree of mental health, nuerodivergence, jobs, home life, chronic physical issues. I want you to single me out the mun that doesn’t have any of that impacting their writing capabilities to some degree. Please, find them for me. You having those things doesn’t make you special and if you can’t communicate that it’s too much, you need the “flood of follows” from your promo circulating but can’t ever write...I’m just sighing over here.

If any of these opinions rub you wrong, I don’t mind you just unfollowing,that’s fine. No one is forcing you to remain. I strongly believe the people that don’t want to remotely take it seriously, and the people that do take it more seriously, should just keep to themselves, that way no one is getting offended by the other for how they choose to enjoy their hobby. You should enjoy it, goddamnit!!! But NOT at the expense of stringing other people along. Communication is kind of essential here, as much as people want to go “I’m too shy, BLOCK”, but y’all I have ADHD, RSD, social anxiety (I used to live in an anxiety attack it was so bad), and I still do my best to communicate with people even on uncomfortable topics. If I can manage, so can you. And if you CAN’T be mature...and communicate...then mayhaps stick to fanfic until you learn how.

so i saw the star war

spoilers ahoy

i guess this is just gonna be random bullet points

* i actually feel pretty chill about it. yay for being spoiled. also like.... if you ignore the ridiculous stuff there’s actually a lot to have fun with in this one. i don’t know how i’ll feel about it once i’ve processed it more. i just know i had fun while watching it, which i know isn’t true for everybody. i totally understand the negativity - it all makes sense to me. i’m just glad i sort of.... FORCED myself to have enough distance to just go in like ‘i’M PrepArED fOr wHAtEveR’

*i did like all the jumping around between locations in the first half and how ben would show up everywhere rey was. what a ‘you’re everywhere i go’ pairing. /chef’s kiss/. also having the different locations gives a sense of spaciousness (even if it’s all happening over a short period of time) which i missed in tlj.

*one of the things that gave me the most joy as the hux thing ??? X’’’D it was EXACTLY like that ‘the farce awakens’ ep where hux LITERALLY JOINS THE RESISTANCE cuz he can’t stand kylo. like what kind of fanfic...... how do the hux fans out there feel? (i really love the hux fans they’re a great bunch XD). shame that he was gone right after though.

* i actually enjoyed the trio dynamic? like i get the desire to move away from ‘trio mentality’ but the rey/poe tension with finn as mediator was fun. and finn and poe as joint generals? adorable. shame that the whole finn/poe thing got a bit clouded by.... stormpilot baiting and rose erasure and all the things... Also i’m not anti any character - i like zorii - but.... let poe stay a gay icon? i guess he can still be a queer icon it’s all good i’m down for whatever.

*speaking of finn.... loved seeing more of his humour back. didn’t love that there was no unpacking of how he feels taking out stormtroopers. but loved the found family of jannah and the other ex-stormtroopers. i feel like that gave SOME resolution/depth to finn’s origins. and finn being a non force user but seemingly super attuned to the force and its ways? i can roll with that.

*more speaking of finn... i wonder what they were doing with the ‘thing he wants to tell rey that he never gets to tell rey’. seems like an obvious ‘i love you’ thing. but at the same time we got reylo (/basks in that for a second/). it feels to me like throwing a bone to the finnrey people? like they didn’t get it in this movie but it could be a thing in the future? regaurdless, i did like how finn and rey were very connected and back to that loving friendship they had in tfa. we never quite got the ‘you have a force bond with the supreme leader?!!’ conversation but we got.... SOME conversation.

* speaking of the supreme leader... kinda love that we got renperor AND ben solo TM. i prefer to view ben more holistically (he is both ‘ben’ and ‘kylo’) but i get that making them two distinct identities was a helpful shortcut of sorts. he could ‘kill’ kylo and switch to being ben in a single scene. i always prefer Soft Boi Ben but if we were gonna get Bad Boy Kylo i’m glad they established it right out the gate. it was like ok, this is what to expect; this is where we’re at with this character. 

*ben with his costume change at the end....... omg. gave me BIG smuggler!Ben vibes. urgh, give me all the AUs. ben deserves more.

*the amount of swagger when he was fighting the KOR

*idk i feel like i’m not even touching on the big stuff. this was just a ‘get all my side thoughts out of my system’ post.

*adam’s smile after the kiss though......... ...  /the most beautiful thing in this world/

*truly iconic that people were right about the strategic, covert introduction of force healing via baby yoda like one month before tros.

*oh yeah it was wILD that so much of the imagery from the trailers/tv spots etc was in like the first five mintues of the movie ??? i totally assumed the ‘i have been every voice you’ve ever heard inside your head’ moment would be climactic rather than right up front

*oh yeah the vader mask.... that didn’t really mean anything in the end then did it?

* re: ben’s death. maybe it’s because i was braced for it but in some ways it’s the best way he could have gone. he was definitely happy and reunited with the light - both through love of rey and of his family. hIGHKey could have done with ben’s force ghost also appearing at the end? the only good thing about not seeing it is.... LF deciding to retcon his death ? ??XD obs they’re not gonna but if you want a crackpot silver lining there it is.

*what exactly does rey’s future look like, may i ask?

* oh yeah, Passing The Saber Through The Force. maybe my favourite moment. the force bond as a bare concept is so romantic to me i would watch a whole trilogy just exploring the magic system of that - it’s limitations and possibilities. 

* i do like that jj developed the visual style of the bond. we got to see them occupying the same space, the way each of them would be seeing the other (’can you see my surroundings, i can’t see yours, just you’)

*i miss that rian johnson sound editing on the bond though..... god, the iNTIMACY of the tlj bond scenes....

*’i DID want to take your hand’

*also just the word choice of ‘take your hand’/ ‘i offered you my hand’. it’s extremely marriage.

*there was also a moment in the hanger when ben was like ‘we’re one’ basically? he was saying it in the context of rey’s lineage but still...............the validation. one soul. 

*palps was like ‘you live and die together’ which made me REALLY think of skytalkers podcast. obviously assumed they would both have to LIVE together but.... /deep sigh/

*blah this could go on forever i’ll add more later

edit #1:

* OH YEAH! reverse anidala was such a thing! why did it have to be SO reverse anidala though? X’D instead of taking her life, he gives her his own. (i know it’s not clear anakin totally killed padme etc etc but ya feel me)

* ok i hate that ben died obvs obvs but, taking that for what it is, it was very romeo and juliet. i kinda love just the imagery of it. like... the physical blocking/choreography of adam getting daisy into his arms, holding her, then he falls and it’s her holding him. the way she catches his neck. really reminded me of the smoothness of the bridal carry. and rey’s flexed foot in that moment of shock. love the body language. back to that kind of ‘’staccato’’ rey of tfa days.

edit #2:

*lololol @ LF trying to establish how ‘bad’ kylo is by having him kill a bunch of people in the beginning. it was just.... Hot.

edit #3:

* rose deserves better. obviously. she looked so good though. i like that she had some moments with connix too. 

* ben called han ‘dad’......

*ben standing there, overlooking the waves, with his leG EXTENDED BEFORE HIM. wanderer above a sea of fog. wanderer above a sea of foggg.

* rey having compassion for the snake thing. we been knew. kinda nice to have it in there. obviously good set up for ~later force healing shenanigans~

* OH YEAH OH YEAH. i kept thinking about atla. i know people have been making comparisons to it from the start and i’ve been DEEPLY INTO those comparisons. but it was truly a blessing for me to remember.... there is a version of this out there that you love and that is Good Content TM. legit i can just go watch atla again to heal from this. omg yeah cuz REY HEALING HIS WOUND ALSO HEALED HIS SCAR. very crystal cave.......... nah but nah but - the ‘you are every jedi’ was EXTREMELY avatar-esk..... like, engage avatar state. i don’t like how it ended up being the same old conflict between jedi and sith - ‘good’ and ‘bad’ - OBVIOUSLY THE POINT IS TO INTEGRATE THE CONFLICTING PARTS OF SELF; THE SHADOW SIDE; TO TRANSCEND OLD DICHOTOMIES - but i did love hearing all the voices from past jedi. that’s some good ‘the ancestors are with you’ shit.

edit #4:

* i think the first thing we hear rey say is ‘be with me’? ngl i was like ‘pls be invoking the force bond’ X’D i am a clown. that was a beautiful shot though. and love that a version of the bond kicked in like two seconds after that. 

edit #5:

*there’s that bit where reylo are fighting on the death star ruins and he’s winning and rey kinda falls to her knees panting and lowkey defeated and, not to be a shallow bitch but..... it was Hot.

*also dark rey......... was HOT. SHE WAS SO KIRA, WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS, AND I WAS INTO IT LIKE HNGGGG

*obvs i wanted rey to be truly no one. but casting jodie comer as rey’s mum ? ????? urgh, pefection, i love it.

*palps was so random i stg..... his plan was.... convoluted to say the least. 

*also who was under all those hoods?

*the KOR just kinda... being around again was hilarious. no explaination required. the boys are back in town. ben facing them without a mask and essentially wearing his pjs? loved it. 

edit #6:

*seriously though ben’s redemption outfit.............. /heart eyes emoji into the sunset/.......... you can see his collar bone.............. /cares about the important things/.................

edit #7:

*one thing i loved about the reylo was how Space Wizards TM they both were in this movie. it so highlights their connection by making it clear that they are each other’s only peer. i thought it would be a thing of ‘why is the supreme leader constantly interacting with/going after this girl?’ but it’s not because it’s so clear that they are the only two people on each others’ level. no one would dare question the fact that they’re constantly circling each other in a lustful murderous rage.

New Apartment and the same anxious energy with a while lotta guilt and regret :) (A short story by me)

I love that when I’m too lazy and sad to pull out a journal I can come on here cuz no one looks at this shit. Why do I event still have a tumblr?

The last two nights have been rough for me, as I think new happy events trigger my brain into being sad and hating myself? Of course it’s nights where I’ve had to open the bar at 9 AM the next morning. I suppose that’s the first reason I hadn’t been able to sleep. I hate my job low-key. I once loved Alamo Drafthouse. Adored it even. Then moved to this shit hole in Norrh Richland Hills which is the furthest from the Alamo way, and I’m not valued. I feel like a fuck up everyday. In a lot of ways I am. I’m functioning with severe anxiety and most people don’t know or understand. I do stupid things when I’m having a panic attack, and these managers judge me hard. But here’s the thing I know in my heart, even when I hate myself, I’m a good worker, I’m kind, and will do anything for my coworkers and will eventually get really good at this job.im dedicated to say the least. I think that’s what matters most but for now they just see me as a fuck up, slow learner. I work my ass off though and they don’t see it. If I could work every second of everyday. Ifthis shit hole wasn’t trying to cut everyone’s hours cuz they’re not making any money, i’d work myself into physical exhaustion, like I’m so good at doing. Thats the only thing I can feel. It’s my only escape and I hate being there. This is a little dramatic. My life has been improving, and yes I know I need therapy. We been knew. My ass was anxious at 5 years old. Anxiety is truly hell, I wish I’d just force myself to hurry up and get help, and I wish I wasn’t poor. I wish my mom had saw how fucked I was and made me get help as a kid, but she did the best she could. Could blame the bitch but like, she has a hard enough time accepting and coping with her own mental illness. She hardly acknowledges it. That must be hard to lie to yourself everyday, and say that you just have to choose happiness.

The reason the last two nights have been shit is cuz I stayed up dreading going to work and being there all day and I hate the fuck out of mornings and waking up before noon. Which is why I like closing and usually have night shifts. Since the fucks cut my hours I gotta take what I can get though. I need a constant distraction at night cuz my brain is literally scary as fuck. I can’t even tell anyone about 95% of it. It’s so terrifying. So I usually distract myself with my phone. But I was like “hey, brain I know we’re anxious af and sad, but can we go to sleep?” To which my brain replied : “Remember this event from two years ago? Haha you’re a terrible person.” Then my body physically stiffend, I felt physically ill and my head ached and all I could do was think about past mistakes and everything that makes me a failure and bad person. Typical manageable anxiety for me at this fucking point, I’m just not gonna be able to sleep and I know it. Then I remember an old friend, I used to work with at Chili’s. Javi. Literally one of the very slim parts of the things that I don’t block out and cringe hard about when it comes to chili’s, are our times together. I block that shit hard. I mean just thinking about me in this time frame is enough to make me believe I’m terrible. I wasn’t right. I regret literally everything about chili’s. That place is a nightmare and probably what hell is going to look like when I arrive. anyways god damn. Javi is this sweet kind angel. We were all struggling at this mother fucking chili’s let me tell you. My dumb ass had just come back from vid con (2017) How did I afford that? I spent my rent money. Also I couldn’t afford to eat for like a week. But YouTube was and still is the only thing in this world that makes my brain feel calm. It’s a safe place for me. And I was dumb as shit. Anyway my dumb ass was already starving before Vidcon and could barely afford rent. :) cuz chili’s doesn’t pay well. So I was real fucked when rent came up and literally considered myself lucky when I found a packet of cheezits lying around, cuz that was a good meal to me at the time. I guess I’m telling my coworkers this and busting my ass all night bussing peoples tables and helping out as a hostess which of course paid jack shit. And I know I’m about to go home fucked another night, and Javi, pulls out the $165 dollars he made that night, and hands it to me. The boy had bills, and worked all night too. Who would ever be so kind-hearted to do such a thing. I of course refused, cuz what the fuck. He insisted. I said I was going to cry and he said “aw don’t cry Sheyenne, or I’ll cry too.” And hugged me. I was also super numb and depressed and wanted to be with Hannah so much, and honestly I don’t feel like I was my best self. I look at that person and I don’t feel like it was me. But I used it to pay rent. Still wasn’t eating and he even bought me food one day. Literal angel. I don’t know or remember if I expressed enough gratefulness. I don’t know if I was capable of expressing it. A couple months later he’s about to move to Idaho, and we have a goodbye dinner, and I figure this is a good time to repay him. I give him $100 which is all I could really do at the time, and try to tell him I think he’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. He leaves, and I think we only ever talked one time after that, and I offered to buy him pizZa but never did for some reason? We never really talked again. I alwyas momentarily remember him, but I really have chili’s and the person I was in 2017 so far blocked that I really can’t remember that shit. It’s so hazy. There isn’t a full day I can remember. Just tiny bits and pieces. For some reason two nights ago I remembered him vividly. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt panic and guilty as fuck. Paralyizying guilt. I felt like I should never deserve to enjoy anything ever again in my entire life. I felt terrible. I felt like if he ever struggled to make it or eat, then I should’ve been there for him. I stalked his fb, cuz I needed to know he was okay.

He doesn’t use social media too much. His mom however posts about him a lot. Which confused me because I know they have a strained relationship, and he could have a lot of help from his mom, but I think he resented the help, because they didn’t always get along? I don’t know how fucked she was to him though. What fb told me was she paid for him to come every few months. He has a new girlfriend that he seems very happy with, he seems happy in general. He’s smiling in pics. But that’s social media. At best pictures his moms posting. I felt like I needed to know or I was going to have a breakdown. I don’t have his phone number for some reason, so I snapped him a long message. Usually I’d feel crazy to reach out especially when we Weren’t that close but I just needed to. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t sleep. Then opened at work. The shake machine of course was fucked and I had to put it back together correctly only after shake mix poured everywhere. That’s just my life. Me doing something out of panic, and then having to redo it after looking like a dumb bitch. I truly learn from fucking up. I’m wired so fucking wrong. He finally responds once I’m off work. I read it. It’s not what I need to hear but it’s decent, and proves he doesn’t hate me. He tells me he’s good, but working at Taco Bell, and I know he’s still struggling which makes me sad, but I guess I’ve been struggling to, so I shouldn’t hold myself accountable for not reaching out. I’ve been so poor, and me and Hannah are just now catching up, and taking a breather after 2 years of struggling. I let my mind rest though because he’s alive and he’s eating and has a girlfriend and family who are looking out for him. Until the next night when I should be exhausted from no sleep. The guilt starts eating away at me again. I feel like I shoukdve sent him more money,but after a while I stopped thinking about it because of all that I was going through and that made me feel selfish. I felt that I owed him for my entire life. Maybe I blocked out how much he and his kinda gesture meant to me because anything regarding chili’s, is so far removed, and maybe that super vivid memory, is what I needed to remind me. I’ve also been struggling heavily with my mental health and off and on numb most of the time, so it is possible that I wasn’t as grateful as I could’ve been or at least didn’t properly show gratefulness. So I once again reached out and also sent $20. I really went for it this time. I said I literally need to know you’re okay and happy, and for you to know how special you are and sorry if this sounds crazy dog. Like I must’ve seemed fucking insane but I needed him to know. I don’t know why it was physically paining me so much. Maybe because of all the roommates and so called friends who disappeared without paying rent and left me fucked with no second thought of how I’d eat tomorrow. I just couldn’t bare to think that, He was out there roughing it, maybe Skiping a meal, (like Hannah and I’ve had to so so many times thanks to people who literally could give a fuck less.) After he was there when I needed help. He ended up telling me he didn’t need money, and that he did what he did because he was my fiend, and he even apologized that I didn’t have any friends at the time that would’ve helped me the way he did. He apologized. He told me that I deserved it. That really calmed me. I guess I forgot the good that I did because I just remember the bad. I guess I didn’t think about the positive effects I had on him. That I must’ve done something right for someone to care so deeply that they just handed me that kind of money, after a long shift. He saw that, and maybe he felt he owed me in a weird way. I still feel like I owe him. I wish I’d talked to him sooner. Genuinely good people are hard to find. Who tf would do what he did? Seriously. I am so glad I reached out though.

It worries me though. How small past events can trigger me so hard. It’s a snowball effect. Anxious about work, life, who I am, past mistakes, and it’s paralyzing and hurts my entire body and keeps me from sleep and makes me feel undeserving of a good life or any enjoyment. I really need to get help because it’s getting to an unmanageable point, like it was after I graduated 3 years ago. It scares me that so many past memories are blocked expect for bad ones and bits and pieces. It scares me that, there has never been a completely care free 100% happy period of my life, that lasted longer than a couple days, and now as an adult it’s an even shorter amount of time. Genuine happiness is rare and make men feel pointless. I’m empty most of the time and want things and have the capacity to work hard and achieve them but also feel that I don’t deserve them. I am capable of happiness and some days, I do feel genuinely happy even if it doesn’t last the whole day. My family and Hannah still have a lasting impact on me and even when I’m an unfeeling zombie, I still know love, and numbness makes it hard to feel but somehow not entirely impossible. Little bits of light get through the cracks, and in some ways I’ve gotten better at managing my brain, and I truly don’t want to die or think I deserve to like I once did. The guilt attacks and fears of being bad, and some how accidentally hurting someone emotionally or physically, still fuck my head up because I could never hurt anyone intentionally and feel guilt for any small pains caused alwyas. I wish I could take back many wrong words and hurtful actions done and said to loved ones, but I can’t but it’s okay because they forgive me, so I can forgive myself too. I have to let go of the past.

This really creeped in again because I started to feel excited about a fresh start and our apartment. My brain tries to tell me I don’t deserve it. I deserve to decorate with Hannah, and to allow myself happiness so that I can be happy and enjoy life and be a better girlfriend. I also need to get a new job that doesn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth.

A part from that all I’m feeling a lot better. I’m off tomorrow. I watched Phil’s new video and it made me feel hopeful, proud and nostalgic. YouTube and the youtubers that have been the stand ins for the lack of friends, have comforted me, inspired me, and put my brain to rest, and assured me I’m not as weird and alone as I think I am. That’s why I want to do YouTube. It’s a tough though. Editing takes a lot of time and I want to make things I’m proud of. I want to make music even though I’m bit a musician, I want to keep writing and actually read again like free 12 year old me did. I read and wrote so much then. I want to be that me again. I want to reach other people and help them feel less alone, I want to make a difference and I want to not feel like a failure. I just need to get past all of this guilt and I really think this is the start of that, and my journey to creating.

January 17, 2019 - sh!t/personal post

Yesterday was, like, the longest day. A drive to the city from where I live SHOULD only be about an hour, but with rush hour traffic (morning or night), it turns into 1 hour and a half or 1 hour and 45 minutes. So the drive to the city was a while, but my co-worker drove us (I paid for parking) and chatted the whole time. Which was funny cuz I like to sleep in cars lol. And then the meeting we had to attend yesterday for our whole team, as predicted, had 99% NOTHING to do with us so it was basically a waste of a day for us 2. We did get a great burger and fries for lunch that the company paid for but my fat ass had to walk 3 blocks in the cold and on my recently fractured ankle, wasn’t the most fun. I also love that everywhere there are “Caution: FALLING ICE” signs??? Of all the dumb things to have to worry about when going to the city, I never even considered that one til yesterday. 

I was so dang tired that when I got home a little before 7pm, I went straight to bed, no dinner or anything. Since I had LITERALLY yawned every 5 minutes during the drive home, I assumed I’d drop RIGHT OFF, but haha. Never. I ended up having to take meds, as I usually do, and I still didn’t get a great night of sleep. 

We had a lot to catch up on this morning but we managed to do so ok and unlike a lot of our recent days, the load of work kept us busy for almost the entire day. I leave in an hour and a half and it’s already slowed back down to a crawl. 

If you’ve ever tagged me in some kind of post that requires my participation, please be advised that it IS in my drafts lol. I have more than one from @valkyrieofsmut and @invincible-selfxmade-punk right now just waiting for me to commit to them lol. And I just got one from @sovietghoststories as well so please don’t think I DON’T want to be tagged, I’m just so dang scattered all the time that I have a hard time sitting around and getting them done. Shouldn’t be so hard if all I have to do is reveal facts about myself or find GIFs of my favorite things, and yet, I procrastinate. I’m the worst and I’m sorry. But thank you to anyone who has ever tagged me in a post wanting to know more about me cuz I’m the most boring person ever and it makes me feel important and wanted for a second and I appreciate it :) 

I got my first ever Slutbox today and living with family it was an awesome conversation to have since it is hot pink and says SLUTBOX on it in white. It is curated by Amber Rose; found out about it on Instagram. I've been wanting to try a CBD product for a while now because of my hives and just the fact I can't ever turn my brain out. And I know that she had sent out a product in a past box so I HOPED SO HARD I'd get one and I did! It's a 30 day supply of Not Pot gummies and the company pays bail for a person in need every month. I'm excited but nervous to try them because it says they are more like vitamins so you have to wait to really see/feel if they make you feel different. I got some other really cute products and some other products I will unfortunately never use but the gummies alone are a 39.99 value so what I paid for the box was already a great deal. Plus the message behind and mission of the project is extremely worthwhile as well as the try to give women, people of color, trans/non-binary and other marginalized groups a space to be seen, heard and respected; "We stand for feminism, empowerment, and body-positivity - and we look pretty damn fly while we’re doin’ it." Highly recommend if you have extra money and want to treat yourself that you try it out then cancel at anytime (use code PENGUIN for an extra amazing surprise): https://myslutbox.com/

I did a 1 month subscription and it was very worthwhile!

Gordon Ramsay cannot honestly believe that the weird wigs and makeup he's wearing on his new show hides his identity lol. Like, no sir, we still spot you a mile away.

I got home today and my mood nose dived so fast. I got in bed and all I wanted to do was cry and be held. It's a rotten feeling. How can I fix it when I don't know why I feel like this? Sigh. I hope everyone else is having a much better week ❤

[ @kyuuzuchiha ] [ x ]

     As much as his mother and father have talked about the past, its implications, and the possibilities of the future...Fugaku has never truly understood the worry in the crease of his father’s brow, or the latent fear in his mother’s eyes. The faraway looks in his uncles’ gazes when they think he isn’t looking. The tension that seemed to follow them everywhere.

     Not until today.

     There’s a growing curve to his mother’s middle as they make their way through the thoroughfare. Come Autumn, she tells them, they’ll have a new little sibling. Something little Fugaku looks forward to with barely-restrained eagerness. Even at this age, he realizes how few they are. How important it is that their family keeps growing.

     That it stays safe.

     And finally, Mikoto won’t be able to hound on him about how he’s the baby of the family.

     His sister keeps a disdainful grip on Ryū’s right hand, clearly unhappy at being dragged about like a kid. Her left occupied with a short list, Fu must instead grip the hem of her shirt, not wanting to get separated. It’s so crowded today, he can barely see where they’re going.

     It must be the crowds that embolden them to strike.

     In a single moment, time seems to slow to a painful crawl. A gap in the throngs opens before them, and at the head of it - almost like they appeared from thin air - is a figure, masked and cloaked. It takes a fraction of a second for them to crouch, knees bending and beginning to move forward.

     Eyes lifting from her list, Ryū stares as they widen. Mid-step, she shifts her feet to a wider stance. The paper flutters as it’s dropped without a thought, hands both pushing her children behind her. In the same breath, she summons a barrier along her palms that blooms between Fugaku and his sister, and the enemy.

     All the while, her eyes remain fixated on the approaching assailant, pupils shrinking as a desperate necessity flares her chakra. The rush is so fast, responding to a mother’s instinct, that it whips about her person like an unnatural wind.

     Staring in both fear and awe, Fugaku watches as his mother suddenly changes. The warm, soft, nurturing woman who’s never raised her voice, never struck out, who loves her family more than life itself...shifts into a feral beast with only one intention:

     Destroy the threat. Protect her offspring.

     Her brow furrows to create a deep crevice along the bridge of her nose, lip lifted in a snarl that bares gleaming teeth. Knees bend in preparation for conflict, arms raised and cloaked in ethereal, chakra-born limbs. The enemy swings a kunai, blocked with a gong-like toll against one palm. But the hand keeps reaching, clearly not expected as she pounds them against the road. Clawed fingers tear into the stone, pinning them beneath the phantom limb that’s far more solid than it looks.

     It takes no more than handful of seconds from start to finish. And by then, onlooking shinobi begin to react. Shouting breaks out amidst the shocked shrieks of civilians. Ryū heaves several growl-like breaths, staring at her enemy as allies tentatively try to help.

     “...k...kāchan...?”

     Fugaku’s voice is tiny, a whisper among the sea of screams. But it tenses his mother’s spine like a shock. With a gust of sound, the chakra dissipates, the wild waves of her hair no longer billowing in its wake. For a moment she stands in place before turning, looking to them both with an expression of fathomless fear.

     A look he mirrors.

     In a moment, her facade shatters into relieved tears, and she scrambles back to them. The barrier fades at her urging, and Ryū crashes to her knees, taking them both to her chest, a face in each crook of her neck. Fingers bury in both black and white locks, shaking and clinging to them for dear life.

     “...I’m so sorry...are you all right?” Sitting back, she looks them both over, palms moving to cup their cheeks. And still that fear pervades her face, desperate to ensure not a single hair is out of place. “Oh, my darlings...” Her voice descends into senseless, allayed mumblings, hugging them close again.

     Behind them, now properly restrained, the assailant strains against their bonds. “You’ll get yours, Uchiha whore...!” They grunt behind the cracked remains of their mask as a Hyūga officer begins blocking tenketsu. “The Uchiha will get what’s coming to them! You can’t evade the shadows forever! You’ll all pay for what you did! The remnants will join the masses - THE NEW ROOTS WILL CHOKE OUT THE DISEASE-RIDDEN BOUGHS UNTIL THEY SLOUGH BACK TO -!”

     They then go blissfully silent as Sasuke enters and jabs an elbow to their temple, Sharingan burning with fury. “Don’t fling that filth at my sister, you gutless piece of shit...! Take them in! I’ll see to their interrogation myself...”

     By now, more than half a dozen other UHPF officers linger tensely, Hyūga and Uchiha alike. Shisui stares with equal disgust and wariness, glancing to the trio as Itachi gently kneels at Ryū’s front. Hands take her shoulders, and she flinches, looking up with a gasp. Both twins turn in her grip to look to their father.

     “...Itachi...!” The name is whispered breathlessly before words tumble from her mouth. “They came out of nowhere, I barely had time to sense them - I just...reacted! There were civilians, and I put the children behind a barrier, but I almost -”

     “Let’s not have this discussion here,” her husband murmurs, tone steady and yet edged with steel. He gives each of his offspring a careful glance. “...you’re safe. We should get you home. I’m going to go with Sasuke and see what we can learn. Shisui will escort you, and anyone else they can find to help watch the house.”

     Jaw shaking, Ryū manages a jerking nod. “...find out who did this.”

     Itachi stands, and Fugaku sees the mask of a cold shinobi slip over his father’s features. Suddenly, he is more weapon than man. “...we will.”

     “C’mere, kiddo,” Shisui offers, scooping Mikoto to his hip. A moment later, Ryū does the same with her son. He can feel her fingers dig into his skin, desperate to keep ahold of him as they begin to move.

     “Any spare officers, we’ll rally to the house. No one’s getting anywhere near you three.”

     “What about -?”

     “She’s in the Hyūga compound - they had a clan meeting his afternoon. Don’t worry.”

     “You make it sound like I have any choice.”

     “Kāchan...who was that person...?”

     “...I don’t know, darling. But they can’t get near you again.” Ryū gives her son a careful squeeze. “...you know I’d never let anything hurt you. Anything.”

     Fugaku remembers the look of pure maternal fury on his mother’s face. And he believes her.

     But he is still afraid.

     [ OKAY SO this is what I mentioned in the tags of the linked post - this is something plotted in ALAS that I never actually got to write (I stopped at about the twins’ first birthday before finally burning out xD This is when they’re newly six-ish (they’re born May 1, Reika is Sep 6th)). Basically, this was New Root’s first major strike directly against any Uchiha. Ryū, as the only non-shinobi of the group (and the two kids) was singled out first as their biggest weakness. Hence sending only one officer.

     But she’s tougher than she looks :3c

     BUT YEAH, this is where Fu first learns to be afraid of...a lot of things. Of New Root, shinobi, and FOR his family. By the time he’s an adult, he’s over all that, and uh...VEHEMENTLY protective of his clan. It’s basically his “button” - push that, and he’ll go full apesh*t on you.

    BUT as a small bean, he’s very meek. This starts it (in addition to Ryū’s coddling), and it worsens as Mikoto’s treatment of his does. I haven’t firmly decided yet, but I kinda want this to be when he wakes the Sharingan (but didn’t write it here cuz I’m still undecided about it). Which then leads to Mikoto’s jealousy that eventually simmers into full-blown hate =‘D

     BUT THAT’S WAY DOWN THE LINE.

     THIS was just meant as a lil expansion of what I mentioned that reply that...got a lil out of control. But you know me: I ramble. Especially about these babbs/this verse. It was my baby for like five straight years, and honestly I need to pick it back up again. Writing this reallllly makes me want to.

     But here ya go: a lil snippet of the “epilogue” arc, aka from a few months after 699 until the twins are about...20? I think is where it was planned to stop? (So about a 20 year chunk with some timeskippage) And at that one year twins mark, I had 300,000 words. Which have sat dormant for...A WHILE.

     And I’m seriously rambling but this kicked me in the feels, forgive me uwu So Fu eventually learns what Hashi told Sasuke: a shinobi is one who makes sacrifices to protect what they love. And Fu loves his clan, so...he puts aside his distaste for violence to protect them from the lingering hatred against them (mostly by New Root but also a few randos that don’t think they deserve forgiveness). He’s a lot like his dad in that regard, just...more so in the distaste part. That’s supposed to come from his mama. Aaand I’m still going. I’ll stop now xD ]

i was tagged by @jkcafe​ ♡ tysm ily !!

rules: answer 20 questions and tag 20 people

1. nickname: i have a lot of weird ones but vannie is the only one i like and go by!

2. gender: female

3. zodiac sign: sagittarius

4. height: 152ish cm

5. time: 2:59 pm

6. birthday: november 23

7. favorite groups/bands: bts nct loona shinee... i like a lot some more casually than others

8. favorite solo singers: heize, taeyeon, jhene aiko, kehlani

9. songs stuck in your head: i’m your girl by khan 

10. last movie you watched: avengers infinity war

11. last tv show: age of youth

12. why did you create this blog: old blog got too chaotic and starting over was easier than sorting thru 6 years worth of posts to mass delete

13. what do you post: stuff i like

14. last thing you googled: hidradenitis suppurativa... i was doing something for school (DON’T google it.. especially images it’s gross!!!!)

15. other blogs: i have a password protected one where i vent to myself

16. why the url: i think it’s a cute word

17. i follow: 200

18. follows me: after all the porn blogs i block on a daily basis, like -2

19. lucky number: idk if it’s lucky necessarily but i love 23 cuz it’s my bday day and i somehow always see it everywhere

20. instruments: piano but i haven’t played in a really long time so not sure if my fingers even remember anything

i tag: @shae-min @jmluvbot @jksballad @taurusven @vantaejeon @yooniecafe @jungwooskookie

Supernatural!Changbin

First supernatural!au for 2018! 

BTW this one is written in Changbin’s POV cuz it fit better and I’m trying something new.

BEWARE: This is unedited AND posted at 1am. 

“Changbin! Changbin! Changbin!” I heard an annoying, screechy voice whisper behind me during the history lecture. “Pst! Changbin!” I felt a crumpled piece of paper hit my head, making my blood boil. Being a vampire, I wasn’t good at holding in my true feelings.

“y/n? Do you have something to say to the class?” Yes, saved by Professor Bae. I sighed when I heard the girl giggle. Fucking giggle.

“Haha, nope Professor Bae! Just to Changbin.” I wanted to sink down into my chair or just fling y/n across the room, even though I don’t promote hurting woman, I know the half vamp, half witch could handle herself. 

Prof Bae just sighed, and the class did the same.

“Please Miss y/n, we’ve discussed this. Do I need to move you?” Yes, yes, please. 

“Hm, even if you did, I’d still bother him. So please don’t waste your time.” I clenched my jaw, irritated at the annoying girl who I had to deal with my whole life. I’ve known her since we were in diapers, we were neighbors. Her mom was a vampire while her did a warlock. I knew them well, and both were pretty quiet and reserved, I don’t know how they made y/n. 

“Just y/n, please stop talking.” The girl zipped her lips, and thankfully, I didn’t hear any more from her. As soon as the bell rang, I darted out of the class. Unfortunately, I had 5th period with her, so I had to see her in about 3 hours. 

“Changbin! Bin! Binnie!” I heard her yell. Fuck, can’t I catch a break? I used my vampire speed to escape from the girl, but unfortunately she was just as fast as me. Thankfully, she needed to go to class. 

“Hey, looks like your girlfriend is looking for you.” My friend, Chan, teased. He slung an arm around my shoulders, which I immediately threw off.

“First, don’t touch me. Second, she’s not my girlfriend.” I grumbled. Y/n is probably the most annoying girl on the planet, but the thing that annoys me the most is that people actually think I’m in a relationship with this girl, and that I like her? Like that appalls me, I have an image to uphold. 

“Yeah, ok, but she totally likes you.” He teased. I shook my head. 

“Even if she did, I wouldn’t bat an eye at that girl. I like strong girls, not annoying little girls like her.” Chan laughed loudly, making the hallways echo. I really don’t know how I became friends with the most talkative guy in school while I’m the most untalkative.

“Whatever you say, Binnie.” 

Fifth period swung around, and I found myself growing anxious knowing that y/n is in the class. Oddly, I couldn’t tell if it was anxiety or anticipation, which baffled me. Just some weird feelings, it’s ok. 

I walked in the class and saw we were sparring today. I grew excited, sparring was my favorite thing to do. I loved the thrill and the absolute skill it took. Being a bit on the shorter side, everyone underestimated me, but jokes on them.

“Oooh, sparring, your favorite Binnie. You excited?” Before I even looked at the girl’s face, I knew by the voice. I clenched my fists, but I kept the anger in for sparring.

“Actually, I am.” I tried to hide my surprise how she knew my favorite activity, yet I knew this girl knew everything about me, even things I didn’t know.

“Well-” Before she could drone on about something, usually her day, her lunch, and some random event I really don’t care about, the teacher spoke.

“Today, as you all can see, we spar.” Professor Kim’s voice echoed through the large fighting arena. I grinned once I saw the weapons lined up. “Today’s rules are a bit special, but not unheard of. We’ll be fighting with weapons today and I’ll be allowing you to use every ability you have.” I heard murmurs of excitement flow throughout the classroom, and even I let out a grin. 

“Ok settle down, save the excitement for the field. Ok I’ll have a one on one battle, like we usually do so you arrogant kids can show off your abilities.” We chuckled, knowing he was true. 

“He’s talking about you.” I ignored y/n and focused on his words. 

“Any volunteers?” His voice carried, evoking fear into the students. 

“Me!” I almost flinched at the volume of the girl’s voice. Another reason why I was unattracted to her. The professor immediately smiled. 

“Ah, y/n. Of course, anyone want to be her partner?” No one volunteered for a moment. I knew I wouldn’t. I suddenly herd small laughter and patting on the back.

“I will!” I saw a strong, werewolf step up to the plate. I knew the guy, most people did. He was one of the older weres and highly regarded for his strength, power, but worst of all, his cruelty. Though I didn’t like the girl, I grew worried for her. 

“Ah, Midam. Also a worthy opponent.” I saw Midam smirk while looking at y/n. I looked at the girl, hoping she didn’t look too scared, but when I looked, she did the opposite of what I expected. She just grinned childishly and held out her hand.

“y/n, I hope you fight well.” Her words made an impression on him, a bad one though. He growled.

“You’re dead, bloodsucker.” He snarled. 

“Hey hey hey, none of that prejudice in my gym.” Yet, the teacher, a werewolf, hid a smile. Y/n didn’t look fazed. 

“Ok, get in position kids.” Midam scooted back, I assumed he was going to turn into a wolf. I gulped, my stomach bubbling from anxiety.

“You worried for your girl?” Chan asked. I shook my head.

“Nope. She brought it upon herself.” I answered lamely.

“You will start on three! No sooner or later! The winner will have to make the loser stay on the ground for 5 seconds, ok? No touching once down. Ready fighters?” They both nodded. Everyone stared in anticipation at the battle. 

“One! Two!” I saw Midam almost flinch.

“Three!” Midam swiftly morphed into a wolf and charged at y/n. She didn’t move as he was charging but I saw her mouth move. Once he got in a few inches of her, he flew back due to the protective wall she made. She smirked. 

Midam quickly got back up, leaping at her again making sure she had no time to chant a spell. Then, the battle intensified. Y/n lashed at Midam with her speed and jumped on his back. Her fangs came out and she threw him down on the mat before he could throw her off. Due to the pain, he morphed back to human form. 

Then, while Midam was distracted by turning to kick her, she ducked and countered by punching him hard enough to fly back. 

Her eyes flashed green as she chanted a spell and then a cage trapped him to the floor as he was down. The cage pressed him down, leaving no room for escape.

“One, two, three..” For some reason, I was anticipating her win. 

“Four, five! Y/n wins!” The class clapped awkwardly, not expecting this turn of events, though I knew that y/n was an experienced fighter, and a strong one at that. Midam got up and started to leap towards y/n. 

“Hey! You broke the rules! I was down, she couldn’t keep me down when I was down, it was in the rules! She’s a fucking cheater!” He tried to grab her arm, but y/n was quick enough to block. She grabbed his arm.

“Silly wolf, he said no touching when you’re down. I didn’t tough you.” She laughed and walked off the stage. And the weirdest thing was she winked at me after the fight. And the weirder thing is I kind liked it. 

“Dude, did you see the way y/n beat up Midam like he was nothing? She was fucking amazing!” Chan exclaimed to me while we were in a secluded sitting area, our place to hang out along with our other friends Woojin, a were, and Jisung, a shapeshifter. 

“Yeah he was so mad when he lost and he couldn’t believe he got beat by a girl, made my year.” Jisung added. Jisung and Woojin weren’t in our class, but rumors of the fight circled all around school. 

“Isn’t she your girlfriend, Changbin?” Woojin’s innocent question made Chan and Jisung burst out into laughter, but it made my blood boil. 

“Yeah, Binnie, how does it feel to have a girlfriend stronger than you?” I knew they were teasing, but it still got me upset. Vampires are known to have short tempers and be impulsive. 

“Jesus Christ, she is NOT my girlfriend! And she never will be either! She’s some annoying brat I had to stick with since we were babies and I wish every day that I never met her! I wish she would just leave me alone so I can hook up with other girls, like seriously, everyone thinks I’m taken by her and it’s so upsetting! ” I exclaimed, losing my temper. I felt anger wash over me and I wanted to just throw something. 

“Ugh Changbin-” 

“And seriously, she follows me everywhere! And whenever I ask a girl out, she always says no ‘cause she ‘only sees me as a friend’ ‘cause of y/n! It’s so frustrating! I wish she would just leave me alone!” I buried my face in my hands, letting me ride out my anger. I noticed the boys went silent and I was confused. 

“Guys-” 

“Wow, if you really thought I was just an annoying cockblock for you and your girl toys, I’ll fucking leave you alone. I wish I never met you either!” I quickly whipped my head towards the broken voice and met eyes with y/n. Her eyes were tearing up in a way I’ve never seen them before, but before I could even get a word out, she disappeared. 

“Hey!” I yelled, speeding up, but it was too late, she was gone. I turned back around and met eyes with my sheepish looking friends. 

“We tried to tell you but-” I didn’t wait around to hear them, I was mad at them for not telling me. But I was angrier at myself for even saying those words. 

The next day, I sat history class, feeling an uneasiness I’ve never felt before. Then, my heart stopped as y/n walked into the room. But the saddest thing is she didn’t talk to me, she didn’t yell at me, she didn’t even acknowledge me; she stayed silent and ignored me. 

This continued for a few weeks and I realized that I sorta missed her..? Like she irritated the shit out of me, she made me blood boil, but also, embarrassingly, I missed how she knew everything about me and knew how to make me laugh, of course, never in front of her but I would daydream about her. 

I spilled my feelings to the boys and they stared at me with stupid grins. 

“What?” I snarled. They laughed. 

“You don’t know?” Chan asked with a stupid grin. I raised a brow.

“Dude, you’re in love with her. Just man up and confess you idiot.”

And that’s how I ended up in front of y/n’s dorm room with a bouquet of peonies, which I knew were her favorite, somehow. I didn’t realize how much I knew about before she stopped talking to me. I gathered all my courage and knocked on the door. 

My heart was racing super fast and then someone opened the door. It wasn’t y/n. 

“Hello?” Her roommate Sohee asked, another vampire. 

“Hey, is y/n here?” I asked politely. She glared at me. 

“Yes she is, but listen up asshole. Y/n usually annoys the bejeezees out of me and she hasn’t cracked a lame joke in weeks so you’re going to get in there and beg for her heart back. ok?!” She yelled. I nodded, a bit afraid. She left the room, leaving me to walk in by myself. 

“Y/n?” I called out, slowly walking into the room. And that’s when I saw her, looking all soft in her fuzzy pink pj pants and black tank top which almost made me drool. She glared at me. 

“Yeah I heard you Changbin, vampire hearing remember?” She added sarcastically. I gulped. This was harder than I thought. She then glanced to my flowers. She squinted her eyes at me and raised a brow. “What are those?” She questioned, almost testing my intentions. I took a deep breath.

“Ok y/n, I know it’s going to be hard to forgive me, I can barely forgive myself, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry. And I know that means nothing but I truly am. Once you stopped talking to me, I felt my world crashing, even worse than what I felt the day you walked away. And I’m not making excuses because you had every right to. But..” I took a breath. 

“I really really like you. Out of everyone in the universe, I know you the best. I know your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, which you barely have, and I know your little habits. And I just wanna love you and be soft for you and stop being this scary vampire boy. So please... forgive me?” I saw her eyes almost debating what to do. 

“And even if you do reject me, know that you’re not the girl I’ll stop fighting for because you’re that worth it. And-” Before I could finish my speech, she launched herself into my arms. I quickly reacted and hugged her back, patting her hair and all. I took in her scent of strawberry shampoo and I knew strawberry was my favorite fruit ever. 

But I felt empty once she stepped back.

“But, you said those other girls were better...” She trailed off, I wiped the tears that fell from her eyes. I shook my head.

“No, at first I did, but I realized I would’ve hated them not being you. I don’t think anyone else is tough enough to put up with me.” I joked. She smiled. And of course I smiled. 

“Ok but if you break my heart again, you know I can destroy you.” She crossed her arms. I laughed at her words and took her into my arms again.

“I know, I know. Don’t worry, I know when to pick my battles.” She hugged me tightly and in that moment, I knew the only girl I ever wanted was her.

Wow, so like I’m really soft for Changbin?? He wasn’t really my favorite in the beginning, but suddenly during that Matryoshka performance, he snatched me up. And he’s been my bias wrecker since then. What a babe. I really have no bias in Stray Kids though

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

Fuck it all or An absolutely insane fucking week is the reason I’m awake at 1 AM for the 3rd night in a row.

No one’s awake and I’m about to have a panic attack so I’m posting on Tumblr as one does. Cuz I only know like 3 people on here.

I live in nowhere IL, in a good suburban town, with a high paying solid job. And 2 days ago, a guy opened fire on my car as we were driving to dinner - hitting us with two bullets, one that got deflected by the door handle and the other entering thru the door and into the drivers seat. This all happened about a block from my apartment.

No one was hurt by some actual miracle and type A me immediately went into “get shit done” mode. And everyone everywhere has said “you’re dealing with this so well - you’re amazing/fierce/so strong” - but this is night 3 of less than 4 hours of sleep, and I’ve run of things that can get done RIGHT NOW, and so my skin is crawling and my chest is tight and my jaw aches and all those other fun panic feelings that I know so well cuz yay Genera Anxiety Disorder (thank fucking god I’m so good at meta gaming my brain at this point and I know the signs).

And now I’m having that type A arguement of “you’re actually panicking. You need to do some therapy, some breathing, some refocusing, all that self care shit so you can go back to sleep and not work yourself into a complete breakdown” and “nope, get up, get out your notebook and read everything you can about mortgages, calculate all your debt to income ratios (for the 3rd time in 24 hours mind you cuz Anxiety), and pick thru those 10 house listing AGAIN with a fine tooth comb. Maybe you missed something the first 6 times you did that, even tho you have detailed notes on each and questions to ask each realtor and have showings scheduled this week” (yes we are breaking our lease and getting the fuck out of that neighborhood)

And all of this happens the same week as literally the biggest promotion I’ve ever gotten that changes absolutely everything for me. And I’m just - fucked up.

This is all fucked up.

Also holy shit did I get lucky enough to get the promotion that would give me the freedom to remove myself from the situation and buy a house. But also I might be the only person ever to be like “yes, this incredibly stressful process of finding, financing, and actually buying a house is a giant fucking relief.”

But I’m not going to be homeless, I’m not going to be hungry, I don’t have to stay in the neighborhood where I almost died, and my dog won’t have to make any sacrifices by moving into another apartment, less ideal for him because I don’t have the time to find it or means to afford it. (I don’t live in a very dog friendly rental area)

3. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 15 30 31 32 33 48 50

You killed me with this! 3. Least favorite part of writing.Keeping track of my characters. “what are you doing? Are you sitting, or standing.. Maybe you're pacing? I don't know what to do with you… Sit down and have a coffee!!” and then a short while later. “are you still sitting there? WTF dude? that's just weird!! You should do something.. Huff and walk away…! Damnit!! Take your fucking cup with you!”7. Favorite author? I can't choose..! I love J.K Rowling and Tolkien because they took me on such great adventures while growing up!! So I'm gonna stick with them! 8. Favorite trope to write.Friends to more than friends! It holds much potential for both fluff and angst! 9. Least favorite trope to write.I don't know! Haven't come across one I didn't like to write yet! 10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.One? No! @thorne93 because we basically finish each others sentences by this point! @hanny-writes-spn and @melonshino because we work really well together and have so much fun collaborating! 11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.Well. It starts with a vague idea, “wouldn't it be cool if this and that happened?”, and then I start writing down some ideas to see if I can turn it into a fic, or maybe a series. Sometimes I bounce ideas off of my beta or I write up a little piece of the fic and send it her way so she can tell me what she thinks, and then (once I have everything planned out) I start writing for real! I used to write everything by hand before typing it up, but I don't do that anymore because it takes too much time. After the Fic is done, my beta looks at it, corrects my grammar, asks questions if something is unclear, and then I go back and make some more adjustments before I post it! Then I sit quietly in the corner, rocking back and forth and biting my nails as I wait for feedback :D12. How do you deal with self-doubts?I'm very fortunate to have people around me that encourages me whenever I doubt myself! I also keep a folder of screenshots of comments that I've received on previous fics which I read through whenever the self-doubt takes over! 13. How do you deal with writers block?Sometimes I ask for drabble requests. Sometimes I try and write something else for a while. But most of the time I just have to step away from my computer for a couple of days until I get my inspiration back! 15. Where does your inspiration come from?Everywhere! It can be a song, a movie, a quote, a dream, a book, a picture… pretty much anywhere! 30. Favorite line you’ve ever written.Dude…! I've tried to find one, but I really can't!! All of my choices comes from ‘with you by my side’ though. Can I choose a paragraph? I'm gonna choose a paragraph! “Of dying?” you asked, Jensen nodding his head. “I don't really know. I know that might sound stupid, but it's hard to understand that I'm dying when I don't feel like I'm sick at all. Does that make sense?” You sat up in the bed, folding your legs under you as you looked down on the man that you loved so dearly. “I am scared of the things I'll miss out on though. The experiences I will never have.” “What do you mean?” Jensen propped himself up on his elbows, taking your hand in his when he saw the tear that fell from your eye. “Getting married, having kids, those things,” you told him through a shaky voice. “I had this image in my head. It was me and my two kids, a boy and a girl, sitting out in the yard and watching the sunset, telling them stories of their grandparents. I imagined running around out there looking for easter eggs, putting cookies out for Santa at christmas, bringing our sleeping bags out to sleep under a clear, starry sky in the summer. Knowing that I will never have that hurts more than anything else.”  31. Hardest character to write.I have trouble writing Castiel. I don't know why! 32. Easiest character to write.I don't know..! Probably Dean, cuz I write him a lot.. 33. Do you listen to music when you’re writing?Sometimes I do. Sometimes I need quiet though. Really depends on my mood! 48. Favorite genre to write in.Love stories! Filled with heartbreaking angst, with just a smidge of fluff here and there! 50. Weirdest story idea you’ve ever had.I should probably not say this.. So I will! I once had a dream about having a threesome with Castiel and Misha in the kitchen of a Bigersons diner. That would make an awesomely weird fic, if I was remotely capable of writing such things!

faith restored: the trip of a lifetime

(was originally from the last post but felt it deserved it’s own so here we go)

i’m really glad i went to visit though because not going to lie, i was super worried about my first visit back there. i went for the first time 10 years ago when i was like 17 and absolutely fell head over heels in love with the city (and that was even before i could drink and couldn’t experience it to it’s full potential) but haven’t been back since. i was so worried that it wouldn’t live up to the hype that i’ve built up in my head for so long and i’d get all ready to move and then get there and be like super let down. i mean it has been a decade and i’m a completely different person than i was at 17 (thank god) so it was a really big weight on my shoulders. even the few months leading up to the trip and even being in the airport on the way there, i like wouldn’t “let” myself get excited for it because i was sub consciously so nervous/worried about how i felt about it now and it not living up to the hype. like how crazy is that? i think it’s also because of the whole “i don’t want to get excited about something to be let down and hurt so i’m not going to get my hopes up so i won’t be let down” kinda thing. because i’m not going to lie, if it didn’t live up to the hype, it would have been absolutely devastating for me. like i’m not suicidal or anything by any  means, but i think i would’ve just shut down as a person and just quit life. i would’ve probably had to go into like inpatient therapy for my depression because i would have nothing to like look forward to in my life so i would probably start smoking hardcore again to numb all the feelings even deeper and like i said just quit life.

it was everything i wanted and so much more on so many levels. like even just flying over i started to feel at home as crazy as it sounds. the whole drive even from the airport i was beaming and couldn’t stop smiling despite having the most turbulent flight of my life and my anxiety being through the roof because of it. but like the second i got out of the airport and got in the uber and started looking around, that just went away. then when we got to downtown after checking into our surprisingly nice hotel like 10 mins away, i felt more at home than i ever have in my 27 years of living in the northeast and i haven’t felt that truly just genuinely happy since i was a kid who had no worries in the world. it felt like all the tension i’ve been carrying in my body/brain just instantly went away and all that worry about it being what i wanted it to be just disappeared the first time i stepped on the main drag of downtown. i don’t even have the words to explain how i felt in that moment but i had to hold back tears i was so happy and for someone who has cried like maybe 3 times this entire last year because she numbed herself to every emotion possible, that’s a big fucking deal.

then we had easily the best weekend of my entire life (so far) eating and drinking our way through town with some shopping, photoshoots at cool murals, and other fun touristy things along the way. we rang in the new year at my favorite person’s bar with a couple of her friends who are now my friends that i’m like obsessed with, got the perfect amount of drunk, made other new random friends everywhere we went, found the world’s best nachos and ate way too many of them, i bought non gym clothes, danced the night away to live country music at each bar we stopped at, and so much more. like i couldn’t have asked for anything more from this trip at all since it blew all of my expectations out of the water. the hardest part was having to leave and come home. and no, not just cuz we thought that an 11 am flight on new years day after being out until like 3 am was a good idea and i was the most hungover i’ve been since i was like 18, but because i was leaving the one place where i was genuinely happy and felt 100% free to be 100% me and not worry about what other people thought of me or any of that shit that consumes me here.

plus everyone was so nice there that it was so refreshing. like random people (male and female) would stop us in the streets or just anywhere and say “i hope this isn’t too forward but you two are just beautiful” and there wasn’t an ounce of creepiness or malintent or anything like that. like men would say that with their wives right there and they wouldn’t be mad or anything, but would AGREE with them and then they’d move on. it was the most surreal thing i’ve seen. like even the hostess at a restaurant was like “we have like an hour wait for brunch... but you two look so nice that let me tell you what. take the elevator up to the 4th floor and i’ll call up and let them know to make a spot for y’all. enjoy!” and we both just stood there in shock for a second before we were like “okay, thank you so much!” and just looked at each other when we got in the elevator like wtf just happened lol.

one of the best things about it was that no matter what time of day or where we were, i never once felt afraid or that i should be looking over my shoulder or on guard or anything. there were a good amount of homeless people on the streets and one definitely on some shit guy that normally i’d be a little on edge around as someone who grew up near NYC, but even the guy that was on some shit was just happy and non threatening and just walked past us. now i know that just because one crazy guy wasn’t threatening means that the entire city is completely safe or anything because it is a city and shit happens but like even the block of a walk i do from my place to walgreens on a well lit busy road even in the daytime had me more on edge than walking all over downtown at any time of day combined the entire 4 days we were there.

(i’ll come back and add more later but i gotta get up and be a human now. rude i know. stupid responsibilities...)

god i just love it there so much. can i move like now k thanks?